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anaveragebibliophile · 3 years

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Impossible

Carlisle Cullen x OC

Summary: Carlisle and his mate Eloise receive some shocking news that they weren’t necessarily prepared to deal with regarding her health. Instead of seeing what’s right in front of him, Carlisle believes that his wife’s health issues are stemming from other avenues. It isn’t until his wife makes a discovery that he alters his course of action.

Note: This is a deviation from what I normally post, but I hope that all of you will take the chance and give it a read. :)

“I can’t even believe this is happening again. And with your wife of all people!” Jacob Black shouted as he walked into the Cullen family’s wide, contemporary kitchen.

“Jacob, we’ve discussed this. Eloise isn’t like us. She isn’t a vampire, she’s a phoenix. As such, she’s capable of resurrecting the dead, the broken, the ill-equipped parts of us that are theoretically unsalvageable. And as things stand, we all know I’m infertile. Or that I was.” Carlisle explained. “Believe me, I’m just as overwhelmed as you are. Even more so because I’m still struggling to accept the fact that I helped someone--the woman I adore more than anything else on this earth--procreate.”

And it’s not like the couple had been trying either. Quite the opposite actually. Sure, both of them had done ample amounts of research--through legends and the like--to determine whether or not they would need to take precautions before having intercourse. From what little they could find, it appeared that exercising the freedom of caution was the best choice. Not only had pregnancies been reported, multiple births seemed to be a common occurrence. And even though Carlisle was reluctant to put his faith into these infinitesimal references, he still did what any self-respecting man would do: He made sure his strong, confident wife made the final decision about what she wanted to do. At the end of the day, her body would have been doing the brunt of the work had a pregnancy occurred.

Eloise thought long and hard about this and would even go so far as to test herself. Did she want a child? Yes. Would she be a genuinely good mother? She hoped so. But the ultimate question remained: did she want a child with Carlisle? More than anything else in the world. However, it just didn’t seem like the right time. The pack was going through organizational disputes, the Volturi were still trying to find ways to get her and Alice to join their coven, and Bella and Edward were in the process of adopting a child. There was just too much happening around her for that to work out. Or so she thought at that moment.

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About two months later, she started feeling a bit off-kilter. She was suffering from myriad migraine headaches, her stomach always seemed to be queasy, and she was dealing with some intense bouts of insomnia (which she had never experienced as a child or even during her adult life). Her husband was increasingly worried about her. So much so that he would have her in his office every day for testing. At that point, he was looking for a dormant autoimmune disease, cancer, anything that would highlight these symptoms. What he wasn’t looking for was a pregnancy, a fertilized egg within his wife.

One night, while the rest of the family was out hunting, Eloise and Carlisle were cuddling on the couch, her head in his lap. He was running his long, cool fingers through her hair and down her back, intermittently trying to coax her into eating a small piece of toast that he’d made for her. Yet every attempt didn’t do much. Regardless, he was hoping she would get her appetite back soon because her skin had started to take on a translucent pallor that he despised.

“Come on, honey, just one bite. That’s all I’m asking for,” Carlisle said, putting the plate in front of her face.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I’m just not hungry. The entire idea of food is revolting. Plus, I don’t really want to repeat what happened a few hours ago.” Carlisle hummed in understanding. While he knew that Eloise was being sincere, he wasn’t pleased that she was still feeling so fatigued and nauseated.

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A few hours ago, as he was attending to a broken rib of Seth’s at the reservation, he received a call from Alice. ‘Eloise has been throwing up for the last forty minutes, Carlisle. She didn’t want to worry you,’ she’d started. ‘But you need to get back here now. I’ve been sitting with her, and I’m worried she’s getting dehydrated.’ Heart in his throat, he quickly finished his session with Seth, letting him know that he had an emergency that he needed to attend to.

After parking the car, he ran into the house, heading straight for his and Eloise’s bedroom. And when he walking into the adjoining bathroom, he was shocked by what he saw: his wife, her cheek smashed against the toilet seat, breathing heavily in order to avoid another onset of nausea. In his peripheral, he saw Alice lightly rubbing Eloise’s back with her left hand and murmuring comforting words to her.

Instinctively, Carlisle moved towards his wife and took Alice’s place as the caretaker. “Hi, sweetheart. Alice called and said you weren’t feeling well. Can you tell me what’s been bothering you?” he asked, gently kneading the taut muscles in her lean back.

Eloise slowly pulled her face away from the toilet bowl and looked at him blearily. “My stomach just isn’t feeling super fantastic at the moment. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to keep anything down. I haven’t been able to since about two o’clock this afternoon.”

“Well, you haven’t been at your best recently. Do you think that may have something to do with it?”

“Perhaps. But I haven’t had this happen before. Yes, I’ve experienced nausea and some stomach cramping, but it never ended with me vomiting for hours on end.”

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And that was what still puzzled Carlisle in this moment. Why was this happening to her when nothing was physically wrong? She didn’t have AGID nor was there any evidence of malignant tumor growth. She wasn’t running a fever nor was she displaying any signs of infection. So what could it be? He was determined to find out.

He lightly ran the pad of his right thumb over Eloise’s cheek. “Sweet girl, I think it’s time that I do an ultrasound on your stomach. Maybe that will give us some answers. What do you say?”

“Alright. You’ll probably have to carry me though. I haven’t been doing well vertically,” she said, slightly smiling.

“Your wish is my command.”

He proceeded to carefully--oh, so carefully--move her head off his lap and onto a pillow (as a replacement). Then, when he was completely erect, he swiftly leaned forward and placed his forearms underneath Eloise’s lumbar vertebrae and upper thighs. Once she was secured in his arms, he gently kissed her cheek and proceeded to move them into his office, the one room in the house both of them have grown to resent.

Placing her on the exam table, he grazed his hand through her bangs in the hope of soothing the anxiety that was coursing through her. “It’ll be alright. You know I would never hurt you. Never.”

“I know. It’s not that. I just don’t want anything to be wrong. I want to be healthy,” she said, her voice on the verge of breaking.

“You will be. I’ll make sure of it,” Carlisle responds as he pressed his forehead against hers.

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Eloise smiled wanly as her husband went through his check-up regimen: ears, eyes, nose, throat, body temperature, blood pressure, then reflexes. While she may complain every now and then about his overprotectiveness, she really does feel so grateful and lucky to be married to a man whose compassion and kindness are limitless. This man always makes her feel valued, appreciated, and heard, especially apart from the rest of the world. And these are things that will never go unnoticed by her. He will never go unnoticed by her.

“How are things looking, Doctor Cullen?” she asked. “Am I passing inspection?”

Carlisle lightly laughed at her attempt at a joke. “So far things are looking good. I think we’re about ready to do the abdominal ultrasound and see what things are looking like down there.”

He moved over to his white, sterile metal cart that held the handheld ultrasound. The plan was for Carlisle to put the clear lubricant on her belly, place the ultrasound on it, and then wait for the image to connect to the screen to his right. From there, he’ll see if there are any obstructions or issues.

“Are you ready, honey?” he asked. “If it’s too cold, just let me know.”

Eloise held her two thumbs up. “I’m ready. Let’s do it.”

The exam began. For a period of time, the sound and echo waves were all they could hear. Eloise was holding her breath. Carlisle’s face was pinched, his eyes and ears hyper-focused on the task. Until the heartbeat-like echo struck back at them.

His wife lifted her hand to stop him from continuing with the examination. “What was that?” she queried.

“I don’t know, darling. I don’t know.” he said. “Let’s try again and see if we get the same feedback.”

He continued his inspection but still received the same results. The heartbeat was unlike any he heard before (besides his wife’s): strong, pure, yet calm in its essence. Before he could ponder any other reasonings behind this strange occurrence, Eloise interrupted him. “Carlisle, we both know that’s a heartbeat. You can question it and try to find other avenues to follow, but you know the truth. And a heartbeat can only mean one thing,” she smiled, so big that her dimples were more pronounced than ever before. “We’re pregnant. My magic enabled us to create a baby.”

He took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist. “We don’t know that.”

“But we do. Carlisle, all the signs have been pretty prevalent these last few weeks. I just never thought to associate them with pregnancy because we agreed we would wait to start trying. I guess the universe had other plans.”

“Eloise, honey…”

“You know it’s true. I do because I can feel our child. Now, after all this time, he or she has decided to make their presence known. The energy I feel--the positivity and contentment I’m now carrying in this moment--is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Carlisle looked at her, stunned. If she can feel their child, how could he dispute that? How could he challenge what she (and he) knew to be true in all its unlikelihood? It wasn’t like this was entirely impossible, especially after reading about other couples’ experiences. Couples like them.

Eloise took his moment of consideration to move his hand to her tummy. “I know it’s hard to come to terms with right now because we weren’t sure how true the reports were, but I think it’s time we start believing in them. Carlisle, you’re going to be a father, and I’m going to be a mother. We’re going to finally have the opportunity to expand our family.”

Hearing those words made Carlisle outright grin. They had been waiting for this moment for so long that he never believed it would ever actually happen. But now, he has everything he could ever want in the palm of his hand.

“Well, it would appear that way,” he said, leaning over his wife to give her a heart-stopping kiss. “And I must add that I’m excruciatingly happy. Thank you, sweetheart.”

#twilight #newmoon #eclipse #breaking dawn #pregnancy #phoenix #vampire #carlisle cullen #carlisle x reader #bella swan #edward cullen #jacob black #wolves #alice cullen #love #marriage #romance #babies

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miraculousrainbow · 3 years

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Sleeping In The Bathroom Is Better Than Home

Description:

Chat noir cannot stand being at home anymore and by chance stumbles upon Marinette wich turns into an unexpected sleepover

Hurt/comfort

Marichat (can be viewd as romantic or platonic)

Oneshot

Trigger warnings : mention of verbal abuse, mentions of neglect, discussions of bad mental health, bad mental health, insomnia, anxiety, trapping a child mention (ask to tag)

"Im done and sick of it"

He couldnt think straight, he just knew that he needed to get out as fast as he can

Plag popped out in a look of concern but before he could say anything Adrien already climbed out the window and yelled "Plagg claws out" and jumped out

His movement wasent his usual cat like swiftness

It was heavy and frantic

He was stumbling around in the dark and crashing into a wall or a random pole every once in a while but ignoring it as nothing happened and just, keeps going

He was going around blindly

With the only purpose of just, getting away

After a while of hanging about at the dark he calmed down a bit, but he was still fearful

His dad yelling still ringing in his ears and with each sound feeling like another hit

"Ignore it he insisted"

"You are here, you are safe, you are not at home anymore."

"You are safe." he whispered to himself loudly with a bit of a panic in his voice and a desperation to make these words feel true

But it was getting late he knew that soon he will need to go back home but he couldnt bring himself

He would rather sleep outside

"The only problem is that he would be an easy target for hawkmoth or criminals depending on the form"

"Or he could just stay a-"

His thought had been cut mid sentence while he was walking he realised he sees a familiar light and in the light had been basking a familiar figure

"Marinette!" He exclaimed with relief in his voice

"It was nice seeing a friend out here and a light source when everything else seems so dark and bleak and eerily quiet..."

"Chat Noir?" Marinette blinked trying to figure out where the dark ends and where the cat starts

"Its nice to see you" he said with a sheepishly smile

"Is there an akuma" Marinette eyes darted from place to place while her expression seemed so focused she wouldnt miss a fly

"Not tonight princess" he replied feeling a bit guilty he made her worry

A sigh of relief escaped the teen's mouth and her expression softened

And when she looked up to his surprise she looked like she is actually happy to see him

"So what brings you here ~Chat Noir~." she said his superhero name like you would call someone a royalty title jokingly

"Wich... was fair, but! he just hoped she knew every time he called her princess it was full of fondness"

"Oh um, just going for a walk, getting some fresh air"

"At two at night"

"I can ask you the same princess" he stumbled on his words he didnt expect that

"He havent being keeping an eye on the hour"

"He hoped he wasent missing for too long"

"But with his father absence he sometimes thinks he could of being kidnaped by hawkmoth for days and he wouldnt even notice"

"and sometimes he could of just barged into the room out of the blue"

"For ones he hoped for the first one"

Marinette unexpectedly decided to be the first one to break the silence

"Thoughts, just too many thoughts" she replied honestly and wiped her eyes in tiredness and maybe tears

Even though her answer seemed quite generic he recognised the real weight these words hold

"You?" She asked softly in sleepiness

"I just couldnt handle staying there anymore"

He blurted out choking on a bit of tears

"Her honestly just made him feel like he couldnt keep it inside anymore and that he could just share it safely and it will be okay"

"Like he didnt have to keep it down anymore and he really couldnt not like this not when he finally feels safe and the adrenaline from earlier is starting to die out and the tiredness is kicking in"

"Not next to Marinette"

"When she just comes with honestly openness and without anything to hide behind"

"She could of waited a little longer he would have come up with a joke to sweep her off her feet or at least made her laugh thats a win too"

"And just have a normal conversation"

"But she chose openness and he couldnt help, but choose it too"

He was a bit shaking he didnt notice till Marinette put a hand on him "hey, do you wanna go talk inside?"

The cat was frozen in surprise at the sudden touch

but as soon as it went is as soon as it goes

"And I know your identity needs to remain a secret for yours and the safety of your loved ones"

"So tell me just as you can and want of course" she made a serious face in the end but he couldnt ignore how cute it was

He noded thankful and followed her in

"Not surprisingly her room was much warmer than the cold outside"

They set down and Marinette asked while fiddling with her fingers "So, what happened?"

"My dad just yelled at me"

"Again" he rolled his eyes with a snort of someone who learned to turn their anger into despair and nihilistic jokes

"Its or he leaves me alone and neglects me or he yells at me and traps me"

"And in the past it used to be or he neglects me and traps me or he yells at me and traps me"

"But good luck trapping Chat Noir ha ha" he said with exhaustion and finger guns

"Unless you are hawkmoth if he would of being I bet he would have trapped me then too" another bitter laugh escaped his mouth

"What about you?"

"So you know those nights when you try to go to bed and you just lay there but you cant stop thinking and your thought are running and running and you just start shaking and you cant stop and no matter what you cant sleep and you wish so badly you can but you just cant so you stand up cause you cant take it anymore"

She blurted out as well just more in a mini frantic tangent

Instead of a frantic blurt out

"So maybe" she says with a twirl of her hand like she tries to drag the word longer and just not let the sentence end

"Im having one of these nights"

She covered her face with her hand and looked away like she is even ashamed of having a problem

"Wich is super unfair everyone has problems" he scoffed in his head

"And also one thing was made sure by this conversation she was crying earlier"

"Actually yeah" he replied looking up from his knees and surprising them both

"I do get these nights from time to time"

"Now it was his turn to look away"

"Now he is the one feeling shame in having problems"

"Honestly, he thinks it made both of them feel better knowing they are not the only ones even though he and of course Marinette! would never wish this upon each other it was still nice being in the same boat"

"Its exhausting" she exclaimed and looked like she was trying to rest her had on air and getting grumpy each time it doesnt work

Chat tapped to time on his knees to signal that she can use him as a pillow

Marinette without taking a second thought took the invite and settled down

At the moment of contact Chat Noir felt like lightening were running up his spine he just hoped he didnt move

He wasent used to other ppl contact much

And he always withdrew away quite quickly

"Its not that he didnt like others touch"

"Its just that it would always overwhelm him so much"

"And it made him feel like he needed a break but every time he was ready to come back"

"There was nobody left"

"And lets not talk about how it was before school when there was nobody to begin with"

"She looked so comfortable like it was all natural being so close to someone and just putting your head down"

"He wishes he could feel like that too"

"He hopes one day he will"

After a moment of rest and a sigh of relief Marinette asked "So, whats the plan?"

"Kinda how he would of asked his lady on battle he wondered if thats how he looks like"

"Uh, I kinda planned on staying awake outside until I will collapse of exhaustion..."

"Well, thats a horrible plan."

"In retrospect, he agreed but its not like he had any other options" he thought to himself

"The only room with a decent lock is the bathroom but I cant let you sleep in the bathroom!"

"I considered sleeping outside so this sounds much better"

"Chat!" She protested

"Its not like I have any better options" he sighed into his hand

"Okie but Im putting a clock to 5 in the morning so you will be back before anyone notices"

"But then what about you? dont you need any sleep?"

"I dont think I will fall asleep befor 5 am to be honest" she made an awkward laugh in an attempt to make it seem not as bad

"And, having company for a change even if will be a sleeping one soon is nice."

She looked up to him still resting on his lap with a soft smile that looks like it means Im really thankful you are here but you need to go to sleep now

"Marinette I-" he couldnt help but let a sigh of relief escape his mouth "I cant thank you enough"

"Hey what there are partne- pretty good friends for!"

"She started stammering. Now he was sure she was too tired for communication and needed some rest"

"So lets get ready for the sleep part in our kind of spontaneous sleepover!" she said like it was all part of just a regular late night party

He chuckled and replied with a simple sappy "yeah" and he got ready to bed

And in a long time he actually had a good sleep even though it was in the bathroom

The end <3

Update: thank you everyone for the feedback!!!

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m-y-fandoms · 4 years

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Danganronpa 1 Girls: adopting an abused child - Headcanons

Request: If it's okay, the DR1 girls with an adopted child that was previously in an intensely abusive living situation? The kid is extremely traumatized by the experience, and is very quiet, fearful and suffers frequent breakdowns and nightmares.

Part 2: Oh! Adopted abused child for DR1 girls anon here... To specify, headcanons.

Of course! A unique request. I’m gonna write this assuming they’ve had the child in their home for a while, maybe a few years, and you can headcanons the girls’ partners versus if they are single moms on your own. This will just be how the DR1 girls treat their adopted, previously abused child. - Mod Kokichi

WARNINGS: past child abuse implied/referenced. Trauma/panic attacks and anxiety

Aoi Asahina:

The queen of three things: sweets, sports, and positive attitudes.

She would definitely use these three skills/interests of hers to help the previously abused child she adopted.

First of all, she’d chosen this child in particular because she saw their profile and asked about them. Her big heart wouldn’t allow her to abandon a child that’s clearly been through a lot of suffering, especially not after her own experience in the killing game.

Despite whether or not she had a partner, she’d want kids when she was able to responsibly care for them. Also, her experience as a big sister would prepare her for kids a little better than an only child.

Sweets: having a panic attack? Here’s some home-made cookies. Bad day at school? Let’s strap on an apron and bake together tonight. Stayed up late with insomnia or nightmares? Well good news, doughnuts for breakfast the next morning!

Sports: being athletic and active herself, Hina would encourage her child to enter team sports to get better at socializing and just learn important motor skills, but she wouldn’t force them into it, knowing crowds or loud noises may overstimulate them.

Maybe she’d have them start small. Table tennis or private swimming lessons. When and if they were ever ready, soccer or lacrosse on the school’s team.

That’s not to say she wouldn’t love and appreciate a more artistically or mathematically inclined child. Sports or not, she’d find a way to use their inherent skills to better them. She’s not one to give up on the people she cares about.

Positive attitudes: slip-ups and panic attacks are nothing to get discouraged about! She would stay up all night with a child going through anxiety, assure them that this too shall pass, and use positive reinforcement.

Sakura Ogami:

Another mom who would seek out sports as a way to ease her child’s suffering.

But unlike Asahina, she’d see sports as more of a way to teach perseverance and self-discipline rather than social skills.

She would want them to learn some type of martial art. It would teach balance, strength, inner-peace, and erase self-doubt.

Plus, learning martial arts would help teach self-defense. She would never want her child to go out until the word helpless and not knowing how to defend themselves should they absolutely have to.

She would enjoy reading to her child at night, and talking at length with them about what was bothering them. She would let them cry onto her strong shoulders, and offer stoic wisdom. She’s like, super good at giving advice.

Loves them unconditionally, is fiercely protective and loyal. A very supportive and loving mother.

Shells out the cash for any and all therapy they need, physical and psychological. She doesn’t see mental illness as a weakness.

Celestia Ludenberg:

This mom, instead of teaching a child to ignore trauma and bullies - be they internalized and metaphorical or external and corporeal - would teach her child how to face their obstacles head on.

Bullies at school? Well we’ll handle that. “They won’t be a problem anymore, trust me.”

PTSD and past trauma? Well we will sit here and talk about these weaknesses until they become our strengths. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and you’ll be undefeatable after all you’ve been through.”

This child will be spoiled, but not in a bratty way. They will simply wear the best clothes, eat the most expensive food, and attend the best schools.

Celestia would play endless card and board games with her child to keep their mind off of darker thoughts.

“Moooom, you cheated again!”

“Oh? Did I~?”

“Yes!” A disgruntled but reluctantly amused smile.

“Well~ I think it is simply that you don’t know how to play this game yet. But one day, you will.”

Kyoko Kirigiri:

At first, it may take her a while to open up and truly be the best mother she can be.

But she understands wanting more from a parent-child relationship, and after a while of doubting herself, would buckle down and do what she needs to do.

Wouldn’t be as pushy with talking about triggering subjects, or entirely comfortable giving advice either.

But is a terrific listener/observer. She walks in after work and sees her kid crying alone in their room. They’d remembered something scary, something they didn’t want to think about, they said.

“I see...well, do you want to talk about it?” And she’d sit there by their bedside until she was sure they didn’t need her any longer.

If single: definitely has a big house, a reputable maid, a nanny, a nice car in the driveway, but still insists on personally packing her kids lunch with a little encouraging sticky note inside.

If she has a partner: can be convinced to be more involved and slowly but surely becomes more hands-on and soccer-momish, minivan and all. Sees her partner’s own parenting skills as a challenge to step it up. Kyoko has all the makings of a great mother, she just won’t let herself see it. A partner would be just the push she needs: a Watson to her Holmes.

Toko Fukawa (I watched the anime and played the three main games so if her personality changes drastically in ultra despair girls and I’m way off I apologize):

Toko knows childhood regret, trauma, nightmares. She understands feeling isolated and different. She would be a very clingy and coddling mother.

If you ever touched a hair on her child’s head, you better just execute yourself before she does.

Sure she’s not the most confident or kind person on her own, but we’ve seen how devoted to and possessive she is of people she cares about.

She’d read to her child nightly, but only what she deemed to be the best children’s literature, of course.

Would love her child more than she loved her own partner. She would feel needed, like someone depended on her for once instead of her tagging along behind someone else.

I think as she boosts her child’s confidence and social skills, her own would grow along with them.

I know she’s getting better every day at controlling her inner demons, and her other half, Syo (I watched like two hours of UDG gameplay so I know this much) but I think she’d be extra careful and determined to have full control once becoming a mother.

Sayaka Maizono:

I think she would see music as an outlet for a hurting child.

Another girl who would have hella money, so she wouldn’t hesitate to get her kid lessons from the best instructors, be they voice or instrumental lessons.

And when her child mentions feeling uncomfortable about leaving the house for unnecessary reasons, especially for going to a public, noisey studio, she would pay extra to have the instructor come to them.

To her, music heals the soul.

When they have nightmares, she’s the most likely of the girls to sing lullabies, being the most talented and confident in her singing voice.

She would definitely want to be a mother one day, but with her time-consuming job, might find adoption easier and less compromising to an idol’s “flawless” body (her manager’s opinion more than her own ugh).

She’d use her intuitive “psychic” abilities to sense when her child was having a particularly rough day, or having more depressing thoughts. I think she’d be one of the ones more suited to deep conversations and true motherly advice.

Junko Enoshima:

I honestly don’t think she’d adopt a child for any wholesome or selfless reason.

She’d adopt a child with PTSD or past trauma in order to feed off of their despair or to teach that already hurting child to hurt others.

She’d be drawn to the more chaotic and/or mentally unwell children, but it would be a mistake to let her near them.

Junko is selfish in every way and would only adopt a child to carry on her evil lineage.

It may not even go that far. She may get bored of them or decide they aren’t worthy of becoming her protege and just dispose of them like an old play thing.

(Sorry Junko stans but I’m not about to pretend she’s just a bratty, preppy rich blonde mean girl type. She’s a selfish and abusive psychopath lmao)

Mukuro Ikusaba:

Another one who probably shouldn’t be a mother.

I do feel bad for her though. Much like Korekiyo, I think their siblings both abused and manipulated them from a young age. They never learned any differently. Still she’s responsible for her bad choices in the series.

Without Junko’s influence, I believe she would be fiercely protective of a child, much like an obsessive mother bear once she retired from mercenary work for good.

But unfortunately, she’s given her life to her abusive sister.

If she had a child, they would either be neglected because she spends all of her time serving Junko or away on dangerous mercenary missions.

Or they would be trained to be an abused slave to their aunt Junko just like Mukuro is.

Junko may manipulate Mukuro into adopting a child, saying things like: “you’re more of the mommy type than me!” Or, “yeah I totally think a despair filled child would be good for you! You could teach it to like kick ass and shit!”

This of course, was all a way to get Mukuro to do all the work of actually raising the child, while Junko warped both of their minds to her cause.

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hillnerd · 4 years

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ptsd/c-ptsd, therapy & writing

(This is written by someone with CPTSD - I am not a mental health expert, and am just writing from my own experience! )

So a lot of writers want to incorporate PTSD and C-PTSD into their fiction. Sometimes people get it super right- other times I’m left cringing. I wrote this to help writers know more about it, then it also ended up being something I sent to a friend with PTSD as it got into it so she’d know more what the therapy process is like.

So! What’s it like to have PTSD? PTSD therapy vs regular therapy-How are they different? How are they the same? What does PTSD therapy consist of?

Trigger warning:

I will be describing therapy, talk of other disorders like anxiety and depression, and might use some 'you' talk - example 'once you've gone through this, then you start to feel better.' This will also skim over child abuse, suicidal ideation mentions and trauma in general- Read w/ caution if you are sensitive to this

general overview to PTSD and C-PTSD

I am diagnosed with PTSD, but it's actually C-PTSD*

C-PTSD or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder differs from PTSD in that it's more for people who have had chronic environments of trauma/abuse for years - and is currently proposed to have a certain symptoms not listed under PTSD symptoms.

Much of these symptoms have more to do with how one relates to other people, their self perception, and generally their learned behaviors in order to protect themselves long-term. PTSD is more about a specific event, of series of events that occurred in quick succession.

Despite the lack of official diagnosis, therapists treat people for CPTSD all the time- they just use a lot of the same tools they would for PTSD.

Not everyone who experiences trauma or battles develops PTSD, but there are factors that make you more inclined to develop it.

What is PTSD like?

There are many ways that people manifest PTSD/CPTSD symptoms.They are easy enough to google and be familiar with, but what's it ACTUALLY like for me.

a hair-trigger startle instinct I have had a few times where my husband is up at night, and I didn’t realize he was in the room- then I see the outline and start screaming- and can’t stop for like 2 minutes- then the crying settles in for 30 minutes. My traumas had nothing to do with strangers in the night. I just have a super intense startle instinct that sends my whole body into panic mode sometimes.

Hyper-vigilance- trying to control everything around you to keep you safe, and being super on edge keeping an eye out for how things will fall apart. Making sure things are locked, being extra wary of people, wanting to not have your back to people, perking up at every little noise etc.

issues sleeping- insomnia, light sleeping, & nightmares- Sometimes reliving a memory, or just having intense dreams that leave you exhausted the next day you can barely function. This ties in with hyper-vigilance a lot- so falling asleep and staying asleep can be hard.

Depression and anxiety- pretty self explanatory- but it's common to experience these, and for pills to not necessarily be that helpful without the therapy. Sometimes anxious self destructive thoughts and memories start haunting you and making you freeze up or panic, feel like you’re going to die/be left alone by everyone etc. Sometimes emotional abuse from your past starts coming up and haunting you and you feel all your selfworth leaving your body leaving behind nothing but the want to sleep all day/cut yourself off from people - at times this can turn to suicidal ideation and other really dangerous behaviors and thoughts.

Sudden mood switches/panic responses usually a trigger for these switches is something associated with your trauma- but basically when something associated with our trauma suddenly comes up sometimes it causes us to start having feelings and emotions that feel out of whack for the situation at hand.

Example: When I was a five I was beaten and locked on a sunny porch of a 2 story building with a sliding door. Once my husband blocked me on the way to the door so I wouldn’t accidentally walk into some freshly painted furniture on the other side of the sliding door. I immediately panicked and angrily screamed at him to’ let me GO! fuck you!!! when he’s the gentlest man in the world and has never ever been anything but kind and wonderful with me. Then after the rage wore off I was like crying and so sorry.

I’m usually not an ‘angry reaction’ person- I’m usually a freeze/cry type- but yeah.Sometime people get panicked in crowded places, or if they feel someone is mad at them, or if they feel trapped, or if they feel like they’re being abandoned.

Sometimes I’ll get super manic and impatient/snappish if there’s not a plan on what we’re doing at a crowded place (really it’s because I want an escape plan/safe place I know we can always go to- and feel vulnerable when it’s a lot of people standing around without a plan and feel like I’ll get lost/abducted)

intrusive negative thoughts

It’ll be the darkest weirdest repeating thoughts that you associate with emotional upset. In ptsd treatment there is a lot of going through the events and rethinking your conclusions you’ve taken away from them. It’s simplified a lot in shows to a simple ‘it’s not your fault’- which, yeah, that’s the crux of it- but the actual work of it is super intense, exhausting, and so much more in depth.

unhealthy coping mechanisms so a lot of people with ptsd will find ways to cope to help them fill an emotional void, or to cover up feelings etc. There are tons of ways people do this. Some will do extreme things like drugs, risky behaviors, drinking a lot etc Example: They experience a ‘violent retraumatizing’ moment like a pet getting killed in front of them- then later to cope have casual sex and drink too much in order to numb their emotions and not think about them.

A lot of ‘avoidance’ and ‘overdependence’ can be a part of ptsd. Like you might avoid certain things like the plague, or constrastingly might start using people or things or substances or food like an emotional crutch/security blanket instead of coping in a healthier way or learning to be independent.

Self protective steps you take might be super over the top, or self-destructive and borderline suicidal.

Sometimes trying to repress all your emotions and not express them is something you do to protect yourself.

This can be all over the map really- there are hundreds of examples!

triggering moments of your ‘Stuck points’

Stuck points are thoughts that keep us from recovering. Stuck points are concise statements that reflect a thought – not a feeling, behavior, or event.

Example of stuck points: 'If I let other people get close to me, I'll get hurt again', 'I am useless.' 'I'm broken', 'I can't trust anyone in authority', 'People will reject me if they get to know me/see me at my worst’ ‘I’m a monster.’ ‘I’m worthless’

These can come up and you won’t even realize it at first. You’ll have something super innocuous happen and all of a sudden you’re on the verge of a breakdown, angry and/or panicking for seemingly no reason.

These intense emotions will hit you and don’t feel like there’s any thoughts connected to them- there ARE thoughts behind it of course, but it takes a bit of deconstructing to figure it out though and realize ‘ooooh, there’s the thought train that was bubbling under the surface! I didn’t realize because thinking through my emotional processes was something I wasn’t allowed to do during my trauma- so now I don’t know how to instinctively do that even a little.’

Examples in fiction

Harry Potter in Order of the Phoenix where he is yelling at the drop of a hat when he feels abandoned/rejected by everyone. His reactions are so CLEARLY PTSD related to me. Actually, I think he has CPTSD and it just got to a tipping point due to the traumas he experienced in the graveyard.

Hunger Games Books Probably the best portrayal of PTSD, of books I’ve read, is Hunger Games. The movies glazed over it a bit- but the books? Oh man, they nail it so hard.

HP and Hunger Games both have protagonists who are great portrayals of ptsd. The anger, the disassociation, the depression, the nightmares, the inability to identify with humans at times, the self protective steps that are unhealthy, the coping mechanism of avoidance etc.

Disassociating

People describe this in tons of different ways, but personally I think of it like body/brain numbness. All of a sudden it’s like a blankness comes over you, almost like that hazy way of daydreaming, only instead of daydreams it’s nothing but a buzzing blankness with maybe like slight almost invisible undercurrent of panic. It’s like the body is paralyzed, and you can’t act or think or do anything but stare or numbly move a bit- it almost feels like your soul just left your body for a bit and you’ve been consumed by a white room of emptiness. Not a black void- it’s not being lost in darkness- it’s like being lost in the light, if that makes sense? Like think of a blank why void like in The Matrix where the whiteness goes on forever.

Flashbacks

In tv shows they often show it like it's a hallucination or something. Flashbacks are typically shown as a person basically becoming delirious and having visual and audio hallucinations, then perhaps even becoming violent to those around them because they literally see something different than what is real.

Again, this is my experience- but flashbacks have never worked like that for me. I more disassociate, and then all the emotions of that memory hit me, and in my brain I’m able to see bits and pieces of what happened back then, or even the whole thing- it’s like a SUPER intense memory/daydream/nightmare just settles in there for a bit- and you feel all the full emotions of it for a bit- can suddenly feel the sensations of it too at times-but at NO point am I actively moving about in a real room around people getting them confused with the past and lashing out at the hallucinations.

I’m just sitting there, or crying there- and if someone in the room with me were to talk to me they might have to get my attention because I'm deep in that daydream/flashback- but I’d hear them and see them once I realize I’m spacing out. The most outburst I’d have would be to not want anyone to touch me- or get super startled from someone touching me then pushing them away from me. That’s very different than the crazy shit they show on TV and movies sometimes.

BAD EXAMPLE: One particular one that still makes me mad is when that had Owen from Grey’s Anatomy sees a fan- then get ‘triggered into a ptsd episode’ where he is unblinkingly choking out Cristina as she begs him to stop for a long time. Like…. It’s one thing for someone to be startled and have their instinct be to strike out- that’s a very different thing from what they portrayed. If they wanted to show him as ptsd dangerous- which is worrisome to me as people with mental health are stigmatized enough- but if they wanted to- it would have made much more sense for her to startle him somehow and for him to just blindly strike out before he realizes it. With combat training, he could very well have instincts that aren’t safe when he’s over sensitized and startled.

What are the main treatments for PTSD?

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)

CPT is the main treatment for PTSD. It is highly structured, and the majority of it is writing and worksheets. There is a LOT of writing and talking out about your trauma, writing and talking about how you process it, and analyzing it.

Beyond the traumatic memories, there is also noticing the behaviors you have that are related to your trauma and how they come out in every day scenarios. This leads to:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

This is not about processing past events, but about processing current behaviors/reactions and trying to slowly change those behaviors over time so that they are healthier reactions/coping mechanism in place.

Exposure therapy- Reliving memories

For PTSD some people do a lot of reliving the trauma memories by describing them in detail, every tiny detail they can think of- and basically reliving them, but then trying to reroute the emotional response to them.

Some people are SO repressed that this is a very difficult thing for them to access- both remembering the memory, but also knowing what their emotions were/are. These memories of trauma aren't always easy to remember/re-feel/access and that can be frustrating.

I personally am REALLY GOOD at reliving memories- in fact I'm so good that we have been avoiding it for a bit because i go straight into flashback mode way too easy (more on flashbacks and how they work later)

There are ways of doing this that are more than just revising the memory through talk therapy, that I haven't done and would require research on your part:

virtual reality to revisit the place

watching videos or listening to recordings of the event and talking it through

exposure therapy that's more about getting used to sounds/smells/words that are triggering

The main point though is to process the emotions tied to that event and not make your brain default to that flight/fight/freeze mode when triggering things happen.

IMPORTANT TOOLS FOR THERAPY

If a person hasn't had much therapy, CPT/CBT has a lot of learning for that person, and a LOT of trying to identify emotions and really feel them, so one can process them.

Grounding techniques/exercises-

techniques used to sooth/calm a person when activated- there are like thousands of these guys out there- I think everyone is a bit familiar with them- like breathing exercises in yoga? Basically it's a way of regrouping and centering yourself- 'grounding' you in reality, instead of letting your brain go off on a tangent/emotional rollercoaster.

It's basically any way you can snap your thinking out of your anxious thoughts and concentrate on something until your re-calibrate and are calmer.

Personally the breathing techniques make me freak out- so I don't use those. :P Ones I find helpful are ones like 'Name every color you can see.' or 'go through the alphabet and letter by letter name an animal that starts with that letter.' and 'hold an ice cube in your hand and concentrate fully on every sensation you're feeling.'example example

-CBT and CPT WORKSHEETS

god, SO many worksheets.

Here are some helpful links

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/ --- This page covers cognitive distortions really well, and has some helpful resources and worksheets.

https://trailstowellness.org/resources This page has a lot of great worksheets for trauma.

https://www.psychologytools.com/professional/problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/- unfortunately you cannot access the documents here without paying- BUT you can read what the docs are, and how they will be used in a therapy setting- so can use that as a launch point for what sort of worksheets/phrases to google.

I specifically worked from Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD: A Comprehensive Manual a lot.

What is the structure of PTSD therapy?

First session

The first thing I had to do was fill out a questionnaire (PTSD test , cptsd questionnaire) to make sure she thought the treatment was appropriate. We talked about this a bit, what symptoms I had, talked over examples of it. I'm comfortable with therapy so this wasn't so bad for me, but I can see this being very difficult for people who aren't as comfortable in this setting and would need to be walked through it more and have more questions as they might not have a lot of self-awareness. We discussed goals, what could be achieved, and generally what it would be like. We went over the first worksheet and I was given homework of figuring out what my stuck points are.

Sessions after that

Each session we begin with typical therapy for a bit 'how was the last week? Were there any events I should know about?' Then we go over the worksheet I filled out, and analyze it, talk about examples, or apply it to trauma memories.

What is trauma therapy LIKE?

I always try to have the next day or so as free as possible after therapy, because afterwards I am wiped out, exhausted, and sometimes super triggered and crying afterwards.

The analogy I like to use is cleaning out a closet you keep hoarding stuff in:

Your house is your life, your brain is a closet, and PTSD/trauma is a messy hoarders type hidden away in the closet. When the door to this closet is closed you can almost pretend there isn't a mess there at all. Y ou close the door by being in denial, not thinking about your trauma, not acknowledging or processing it. You just keep stuffing the trauma into the closet.

But the longer you let the closet stay like that, the worse the situation gets. Soon that closet door keeps busting open and all sorts of crap falls out when you don't want it to. Freakouts, hypervigilance, meltdowns etc. The crap in the closet starts to multiply.

Ever seen Hoarders or Marie Kondo? You know how people are crying over t-shirts and crap and the house looks WORSE for a while? That's trauma therapy.

In therapy you have to open the closet door, take out ALL the crap you've been hoarding in the closet, process it, organize it, and then put things in order again. Every single box of trauma needs to be looked at then put away- The goal is to throw out the intense intrusive emotions tied to the junk. You have to keep your memories- but you don't have to keep holding on to the behaviors they've formed, the turbulent emotions, and the intensity of it all. During therapy at first it's fine. Kondo is walking you through it and it's all just fine and dandy- then you are faced with this HOARD of CRAP you have to work through- and it's SO overwhelming. My anxiety and depression got way worse for a while. Like, I was on EDGE and having nightmares and it was horrible. But then once you've processed the memories, and start actively applying what you've learned and start using grounding techniques more and more- things do get easier.

I am not fixed. I am not cured. I will have to continue to work through stuff- It's that whole 'healing is a not a straight line' thing. Like, there are times I regress and I hate it. :P But it's gotten a lot better.

IF YOU GUYS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS I’M HAPPY TO HELP.

I figure this can be an ok resource for people who don’t know much about ptsd except what it says on like webmd (which isn’t that accessible to me) and want to write about it (or want to just know more about it)

( *C-PTSD has not been considered an official different disorder from PTSD for all that long. In fact, one technically can't be medically diagnosed with CPTSD in america yet. PTSD is diagnosable and has been considered an official disorder for decades, but C-PTSD has not been named a disorder of its own yet in the official guidebook of psychological disorders in the US (DSM). I think they might have JUST recognized it in the UK guidebook (ICD). I know it was proposed for the 11th addition.)

#ptsd #trauma #writing ptsd #writing trauma #mental health

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meta-squash · 3 years

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Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating), difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

#asks #squash rambles #wow i'm so sorry #as an adhd person i know that is a lot of text to read #i'm too verbose for my own disorder lol #seronility #adhd

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beardyallen · 5 years

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Here we go... (Part 2 of 3)

Alright, so let's talk about April.

[Warning: This is mostly just about my mental health. It’s not super interesting. You won’t learn anything about Beijing. Many of you will probably read this and imagine me sitting here whining. I prefer to call it venting. Feel free to skip this and go directly to Here we go... (Part 3 of 3). It’s where most of the fun stuff is. But...there’s a pretty dope comic about halfway down, so if you also suffer from depression, you should check it out. It’s a good comic. And it makes me smile when everything is gray.]

I generally only talk about my depression with a few people, but I think we could all benefit by having more open discussions about how it affects us. Too many people struggle with this illness, it's stigmatized, and future generations need to know that what they experience is more common than they think. Plus, I imagine that making this beast something that we can talk about will reduce its power and prevalence.

I'm not going to try to talk about the root cause of my issues as I'm not entirely sure where to even start, so I'll just share how it all manifests. And how that's changed over the years. If my mental illness is in fact something that I've been struggling with my entire life, I imagine that it manifested as anger when I was child, usually in response to anxiety around my social situation, exacerbated by end-of-the-semester stress. Why do I think this? Because it seems that I only really got in trouble for acting out in early December or late April/early May. And I was usually retaliating towards a feeling of isolation, invisibility, or worthlessness. It's a pretty strong pattern.

I'm not gonna share any sob stories about how I didn't fit in as a kid, or how moving into a tight-knit community in fifth grade led to a strong feeling of isolation that persisted through middle school and high school. I'm not going to talk about the bullying or harassment. These are things that happened, but they aren't the point. And I'm just as much, if not more, to blame for my circumstances as anyone else.

The anxiety is the point. The feeling that I've had at every stage of my life that I don't matter to the people around me if I'm not always around. That they don't think about me. That if I vanished from their life, they wouldn't notice. That I was replaceable. Or that I was a burden that they would rather shirk off. As far as I can tell, I've felt this way since kindergarten, and all of the anger I felt as a child was in response to stimuli that reinforced this notion.

And in April, the intrusive, invasive thoughts started up again. Yes, of course there were people who wanted to know what was going on with me. There were people who frequently checked in with me to see how I was doing in China. I had every reason to believe that I matter, that my presence was missed, and that I'm still important to people. And in spite of that, it's not how I felt. It even led me to start questioning whether or not my best friend cared about me, which is absurd because of course he does. Life happens. But the voice in my head is a prick.

On top of that, every source of stress in my life spiked. Complications with my teaching assignment manifested, including (but not limited to) issues with my paychecks. Financial reimbursements for my health insurance policy have not been disbursed despite repeated messages to those responsible. Since I'm currently not enrolled in any course credit, my student status was revoked and now those entities which own my student loan debt are looking for payments. My dissertation research stagnated as my collaborator has other super important grad school obligations to deal with, and my Masters Project has been put on hold again for reasons outside my control. It also seems to just get bigger every time I try to make progress. There's also a nagging voice in the back of my head constantly whining about how much more complex my project seems to be in comparison to other Masters projects I've seen from the department. But when the voice pops up, I do what I can to pummel it into submission. I can't live my life in comparison to others.

Beyond that, I randomly wound up with a case of insomnia. For three nights in a row, I laid in bed for hours staring at the inside of my eyelids, watching imaginary scenarios play out as my consciousness jumped from random topic to random topic. In spite of how exhausted I was, I just couldn't get my brain to turn off for more than 30 minutes at a time; during the one or two brief naps, I was privy to some of the most vivid dreams and nightmares that I've had, and my baseline dream/nightmare is already more vivid than most.

So work sucked, minor frustrations related to living in Beijing, no sleep, missing my friends, trying to not freak out about the fact that I'll be effectively homeless all summer (insomuch as I won't have an apartment that I'm officially renting or anything), worrying about the fact that I'm not making as much money as I projected, and just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. April was super fun, guys. Can't you tell?

Mental illness blows. Depression blows. Intrusive thoughts blow.

So I spent an absurd amount of time doing very little. Laying in bed. Reading comic books and rewatching Community. Not writing. Not researching. Being pathetic.

Wondering if I should reconsider my stance on medication. So let's talk about that.

From a philosophical standpoint, I don't much care for the idea of needing a medication to get myself on track. My mental illness is a part of who I am just as much as my intellect and sense of humor are a part of who I am. I'm no genius, but let's consider those individuals who have been described as such and think about just how many of them are suspected to have been depressed or grappling with some sort of mental illness. I'm not going down in history as anyone whose mind is something to admire, but I know that I'm smarter than your average bear. I'm a PhD student studing theoretical mathematics, probability and statistics. I'm simulataneously working on a dissertation related to subgraph density problems and a masters project centered around reconstructing familial networks in forensic databases. These topics are not related, nor has the coursework had very much overlap. Balancing two different graduate degrees is not common among people in my department, but I know that I can handle it.

So if I seek out medication as a means to balance my life, what sort of unforeseen impact will that have on my studies? It is not uncommon for the process of finding "the right medication" to take months, and as your life changes, so too does "the right medication." I have one year left in my program (maybe two if I'm unlucky, and that seems to be how my life goes), my diet is fucked, my sleep schedule has been jacked up for the last few months, and I haven't had regular physical activity excepting the 2 mile walks to and back from Wudaokou several times a week. My work life is tumultuous at the best of times, and all of this is changing in the not-so-distant future. I have been in academia my entire life, living on the same stress-rhythm for the past 24 years. What happens when I'm suddenly a research or data scientist?

Medication is off the table for the time being. I had bi-weekly counseling last semester which seemed to help with my stress levels, but at some point I would like some sort of diagnosis. But before I can seek therapy, I need to be back in the States, with some sort of stable life. That means August of September at the earliest. Probably September. In the meantime, I bounce between feeling like I've got everything figured out and feeling like I'm holding my sanity together with scotch tape. All the while, I question all of the things I thought I knew about how I wanted my life to look as I see more clearly every day just how messed up the world is. Ignorance definitely wasn't bliss, but knowing doesn't feel much better.

------------------------------------

Damn. That was pretty bleak. But I needed to get it out of my head.

Enjoy this dope little comic that I think about every Sunday to help me get through the week.

------------------------------------

Now back to it. I'm open to therapy, I know that it will help. It's part of my long-term plan for mental stability. And I'm open to talking about medication with my future therapist, once the "big issues" in my life that I can control are worked out.

In the meantime, I'm okay. Or at least that's what I'll say whenever someone asks.

Of course I'm not okay. For some reason that I haven't yet worked out, my brain focuses on the negatives waaaaay too much. I do my best to combat it, but generally I've just managed to make this work to my advantage throughout my life, planning for worst-case scenarios, being comfortable with failing when I try to solve a problem, being the skeptic in my research groups. It's made me a better mathematician. It's made me push myself further towards excellence. But it's also inherently held me back.

Before I really had a grasp on my mental illness, I would have periods of numbness. I would get absorbed by these intrusive thoughts and mistake them for my authentic voice. I would see everything around me as gray and conclude that my friendships weren't as wonderful and remarkable as they are, that my relationship is doomed to fail because I don't feel a spark or magnetism anymore, that I'm not actually supposed to be a graduate student and that I'm not good enough and that I've only made it this far as a fluke and eventually everyone will figure out that I'm a fraud. And I've made mistakes because of it. I've let friendships die, relationships fail, and...alright, so I've pretty much been kicking ass at the grad school thing, but I guess my response to feeling like a fraud is usually to push myself super hard until I start burning out. This actually happened last school year when I was preparing for my comprehensive exam, which led to my oral exam, which led right into the end of the semester, with several conferences that I was running and attending, and then a research workshop and then...my seizures came back. Maybe "seizure" isn't quite correct, but I'm not sure what else to call it when my body has a stress-induced reaction that feels like someone swinging an icepick in the back of my skull.

So I'm not okay. But for the time being, that's just going to have to be okay. [Queue i'm ok. by Judah and the Lion]

I could use a nap.

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mamomomotora · 6 years

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Help me escape an abusive home.

So I already made a post like this but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I only mentioned details of my physical state and not my mental or personal relationship with my mom.

So here, let me try again. I’m so sorry it’s going to be long winded.

Growing up I was never given any privacy of my own. And I know that’s kind of an iffy start because automatically you’d think “well you were probably a problem child.” Or “that’s just parenting.” But the direction my mother took it to was an extreme.

About the time I was 10 to even now this present year my mom has never stopped. When I was younger she would snoop through all of my things including journals cell phone records text messages and instead of just talking to me, she always found something to punish me about.

I became a super secretive person, but the more secretive I got, the better she got with snooping.

It brought me down and eventually I did develop mental problems. I became paranoid, never feeling safe and always feeling like someone is watching me. Even when I was diagnosed with depression and insomnia my mom chose to ignore it. All she ever said was “you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Even when I had clear prescribed medication I had to take she never gave it to me.

She only chalked it up to “it should be your responsibility.” And I was 12.

I’ll give it to her that yes it should have been, but at 12 when you have clinical depression and you’re going through so many changes, medication does tend to slip your mind. I also had so many missing days, I would black out and dissociate so much when I was younger. But it’s not like my mom ever knew. She was never home and when she would come home at like 3-4am she would just walk to wherever I was sleeping and wake me up screaming at me. Telling me how I was disgusting and how she read all of my texts to every one of my friends.

Holding out cell phone records and text logs. And who was I calling all the time when it was literally only her number and a couple of friends I liked to talk to.

Unfortunately I did develop a drinking habit at 12 years old. This was fairly easy considering my mom was a big alcoholic herself and kept an open bar in the kitchen. I had easy access and she never knew.

Instead of taking care of me, instead of talking to me, all my mom ever did was yell at me and threaten to take things away. She never explained to me what I was doing that was so wrong. And I grew up not having a lot of friends for that.

My friendships strictly remained internet friendships. If I had so much as an actual close friend they had to meet certain requirements.

They couldn’t be a boy. They had to be a girl. If a boy so much as talked to me and they were my friend, I had to briskly walk away or push them away if I saw my mom.

The many times she accused me of having a boyfriend is too many to count hat eventually I thought, “fuck it.” And I started dating. Way before I even was ready just because “well if mom thinks I’m such a deviant I might as well be.”

And this wasn’t just as a kid. All the way up to now, my adult years, my mom refuses to let me go out with anyone. I’ve developed horrible anxiety due to the way I was mistreated as a child. I push everyone away and I never talk to anyone because I’m still afraid my mom will snoop through my phone or the phone records and accuse me of shit.

She still threatens to take my own personal property away. Things I’ve paid for things I’ve bought and things I was paying for. She refuses to let me go out but when she does she asks me 200 questions on where I’m going who I’m going with and if there’s one thing she doesn’t like she says no.

I’ve given up on talking to her because she cuts me off and never lets me speak. I get crippling anxiety and I’m reduced to tears if she so much as questions me.

When I didn’t have a car I remember I wanted to go out with a friend. She was going to pick me up and my mom wasn’t home. She actively called my brother and told him to watch me leave and see who it was picking me up. Just to make sure I wasn’t lying. It’s so u fair because she never treats my brother like this. Neither of them. One is 12 and the other 22. They’re both allowed to have friends over they’re allowed to have fun. But not me. She has her eyes strictly only on me at all times.

And when I do rarely ever get the courage to talk to her, she accuses me of manipulating her and attacking her. And she knows that I really don’t want to hurt her, because despite everything I really love my mom. I do, but enough has become enough and even after I’ve done all I could for her she never thanked me. She never tried to take care of me even when something was visibly wrong. Even though my depression and anxiety have been worse throughout the years. She’s never seen what I’ve done to try to make her happy. When she broke her back I almost didn’t graduate because I was so broken about it. When I try to care for her or ask her if she’s okay it doesn’t feel natural.

I’m extremely torn between mylove for her and my disdain. All her and my stepdad do are complain about what I can’t do. They’ll borrow money from me and take ages to pay me back.

They still owe me money but I’ll never get it back looks like.

But this is why I need help. I have a job but it can only do so much by November/December. That’s when I’m planning on leaving because it’s so hard I can’t take it anymore. It’s detrimental to my health. Both physical and mental. I haven’t been cared for all these years and I’ve been suicidal for many. I don’t want to live like this anymore that’s why I’m begging.

I know where I’m going, and I won’t be alone. What scares me is the 2,000 mile road trip I’ll be needing to take. And with expenses and potential rent I’m going to need a small amount to keep me up when I arrive. I won’t have a job it’ll all be a new start.

Here’s my original post explaining the remainder of the situation

Venmo: @Marissa-Arambula-1

I don’t have anything else other than that. I’m so sorry to plague your dash with this again. But thank you if you have read it, it means a lot to me. I’m sorry.

#donation post #venmo #please help #at this moment im almost desperate #things just seem to get worse and worse and my mental state is slowly starting to decline

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professorpalmarosa · 6 years

Text

Commander Saturn (Saturnalia)

There is no consistent personality for Saturn. He’s going to be completely different wherever you find him.

His game version (and therefore the Generations version) was organized, dependable, and somebody Cyrus apparently trusted enough to leave the organization to in case things went wrong. When I wrote Koyaanisqatsi, I tried to channel that version, along with his disillusioned comments in the Platinum end-game about how “extremism never solves anything.”

His anime version showed some of these traits, but we saw so little of him.

If you use his Special/Adventures version, he’s an agoraphobic man-child who loves to play video games and remotely torment people with his gadgets. The fact he puts tape on the floor and gets peeved each time Mars encroaches on it makes me laugh every time.

In Diamond Pearl Adventure, he’s fiercely loyal to Cyrus: even to the point of begging for a chance to redeem himself when he loses to Hareta. He’s a capable battler (more so than any Commander other than Mitsumi), and also clever enough to play a double agent role during Charon’s takeover so he can rescue Cyrus.

Although Saturn’s personality is all over the place, that loyalty and desire to support Team Galactic rang true in all his iterations. I decided to focus on that when designing his fragrance. It wasn’t so much about how the oils smell in Saturn’s case, but what the oils do. And hoo boy, do they do a LOT...

Saturn’s synergy (Saturnalia) promotes a relaxing, calming effect and soothes tired muscles after a stressful, frustrating day. Many of the oils inside the blend are good for alleviating physical pain, but two of the oils in this synergy are also fantastic for anxiety and insomnia.

The main note in Saturnalia is Roman Chamomile. There are two types of chamomile you can purchase in essential oil form: German and Roman. They both smell like a cup of chamomile tea by themselves, but the Roman is a little stronger and has more of a sedative effect. That and my cat loves the Roman Chamomile, so I keep buying it.

But since I wanted to give his more dimensions than just a tea dupe, I took a look in my inventory to see if I had any other cool, calming oils that would blend well with the chamomile, give me the results I wanted, and—I did!

The next oil I added to the blend was Sweet Marjoram, which has given me really good results with my back problems in the past. The problem then was that poor Saturn’s blend now smelled like delicious Greek food rather than something anyone would want to wear as a cologne. I wasn’t anywhere remotely near done!

So in went the Juniper Berry (the key ingredient in gin) for a cooling effect, paired with woodsy Blue Cypress and medicinally floral Blue Tansy.

The end result was a “hot cup of tea on a cold rainy day” sensation for my muscles and nose. I could feel the oils soaking in through my skin and the water turned a dramatic sapphire blue.

I got the support I needed from this blend. My back (my biggest pain area) felt spry and healthy the following morning. My dreams were pleasant. I didn’t wake up seven to eight times in the night due to pain or bad dreams. It was a soothing, calming experience from start to finish.

Now it’s time to talk about the pros and cons of these oils from a safety perspective…

Aromatherapy isn’t just about pretty smells and scented bath water. Essential oils are in such a high concentration that even absorbing them through your skin can leave you with the therapeutic (and potentially toxic) benefits.

If you are allergic to a plant, you are 100% without question going to be super allergic to the essential oil.

There’s also such a thing as contraindications: where some oils may affect you in weird ways if you have a certain medical condition or take certain medications.

The information below is for your safety if you want to attempt to make this blend at home (as a bath bomb, a body spray, or even scented bath salts). And do be sure to wear gloves. Some of these oils have recommended dilution rates as small as 0.4%. You don’t want that to slide on bare skin!

Roman Chamomile

There are actually two true chamomile Essential Oils on the market: German and Roman. Roman is the more potent of the two, so I mixed it into this blend. It worked. That bath bomb had me in bed by 8:00 PM because I was so sleepy afterwards!

Pros:

It’s one of the safest Essential Oils to diffuse around your kitty! While no Essential Oil is truly safe for a cat and you should always leave the door open so your kitty can escape if you’re using Essential Oils, Roman and German Chamomile are two of the least harmful for your feline friend. My kitty Gaius loves the smell, so I’m saving up to get it in Hydrosol form.

Fight off insomnia! If you’ve ever had a good calming cup of Chamomile or Sleepytime tea (Celestial Seasonings), then you are already familiar with the relaxing properties of Roman Chamomile. This Essential Oil (especially when mixed with other soothing scents like Lavender or Lily of the Valley) promotes a calm, peaceful atmosphere which makes it so much easier to sleep. It works for me, and I’m sure it’ll work for you!

Feeling nauseous due to stress? Fix it with Roman Chamomile! Roman Chamomile can be used for various stress-induced digestive disorders including indigestion, upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, and bloating from gas.

Chamomile can be a girl’s best friend! A lot of women use Roman Chamomile (especially in tea form) for morning sickness and really painful menstrual cramps. It’s considered to be a “blood purifier” and general female tonic, reducing menstrual pain and better regulating periods.

Relieve pain and swelling! Roman Chamomile is great for reducing pain and swelling of the mucus membranes, sinuses, and joints. It can also be mixed into lotion and applied to the skin for swollen, inflamed areas. It can also be used on wounds, burns, eczema, frostbite, bedsores, hemorrhoids, and diaper rash.

Diffuse it to help your sinuses! Roman Chamomile can be diffused and inhaled for sinus inflammation, hay fever, sore throat (something I’m battling right now), and ear inflammations.

Cons:

Since Roman Chamomile can stimulate a period, pregnant women should avoid this oil to reduce their chances of a miscarriage.

Since Roman Chamomile’s effects on newborns has not been studied, it is best to consider it unsafe for nursing mothers to use.

Roman Chamomile Essential Oil has powerful sedative properties and should not be applied or diffused if you plan to drive, operate machinery, or perform a task that requires your full, complete concentration.

Although Roman Chamomile is good for relieving nausea, too much of it will actually make you more nauseous.

If you have an allergy to ragweed, marigolds, daisies, or similar plants, avoid Roman Chamomile and German Chamomile.

Sweet Marjoram

Sweet Marjoram Essential Oil (much like its cousin, Oregano Essential Oil) has a calming effect on your body, and the smell is lovely...just kind of “foody” by itself.

If you’ve eaten Mediterranean cuisine before or ever taken a good whiff of a gyro, Marjoram is one of the main spices you’ll smell. It has a very strong “seasoning” scent, but pairs well with a lot of gentler fragrances.

Pros:

It’s good for your circulatory system! Sweet Marjoram Essential Oil can increase your blood flow and lower blood pressure.

It’s good for aches and pains, especially on overused and exhausted muscles. This is my go-to massage oil after a workout. It’s also great for flu and fibromyalgia pain, sore muscle strain, and a queasy stomach. I originally bought it for menstrual cramps, but it’s worked best on my overexerted muscles.

Cons:

If you’re pregnant or breast-feeding, don’t use Sweet Marjoram Essential Oil and stick to only using marjoram in food amounts. This is also true for young children, as Marjoram Essential Oil isn’t a kid-friendly oil. Do not use this bath bomb for anyone under the age of 10.

If you have any of the below health concerns, I recommend talking to your doctor before using Sweet Marjoram Essential Oil in any capacity:

Bleeding disorders

Diabetes

Gastrointestinal or urinary tract obstructions

Lung conditions such as asthma

Ulcers

Slow heart rate or low blood pressure

Seizures or epilepsy

Juniper Berry

If you’re a weirdo like me and love the way a gin and tonic smells, you’ll fall in love with Juniper Berry Essential Oil the first time you sniff it. It’s got that cool, crisp, biting aroma along with a slight medicinal after-scent...all in a good way.

I love blending it with Grapefruit, Balsam Fir, Pine, Cedarwood, Camphor, or anything in the mint family. But Saturnalia is a special blend: truly therapeutic and relaxing. I can’t think of what could possibly be more relaxing than a Gin and Tonic...aside from a Basil Flower Gimlet--which also has gin!

Pros:

It’s a helpful digestive aid! Diffuse Juniper Berry for half an hour to an hour. The antispasmodic, tonic, and stomachic properties of this oil can help put that fussy tummy back into working order. Your twisted guts will unravel, you’ll build up more gastric juices, and be able to push whatever made you feel miserable out a little bit faster. Some people even use this oil to get some relief from constipation.

Carrying some extra water weight? Maybe Juniper Berry can help! I’m not gonna lie. I use it for this exact same reason, though I pair it with my Cardamom oil for a workout. I tend to bloat when I eat salty foods or my time of the month arrives. This flushes all that excess water right out! Juniper Berry makes your body sweat more, but also stimulates your kidneys. Just be sure to drink a lot of water if you use it for this purpose!

It’s good for arthritis, spasms, and cramps! Try a 1-3% dilution of Juniper Berry Essential Oil with a carrier (like jojoba, coconut, or sweet almond oil) and rub it into the sore area. It works quickly and should leave you feeling at least a little better in a few minutes.

It’s good for your skin and promotes a pretty complexion! Some people will use a 1-3% dilution ratio to treat eczema and psoriasis trouble spots. Try mixing it with jojoba oil (a carrier) for maximum effect. I’ll a drop of this (and Palmarosa Essential Oil) to my nightly astringent. I only get a zit or two during my cycle and that’s it.

Calm down, get a good night’s sleep, and banish all those stressful thoughts! Dilute the oil and apply it to the back of your neck or chest right before going to bed. I like to add a drop to my lotion and massage my temples after work, especially if it’s one of those days where I’m stuck in back to back development meetings and I think my head’s going to explode. Even a few drops in your bathtub should do the trick!

Cons:

Never apply this essential oil neat (undiluted) on the skin. Some people have reported irritation, redness, swelling, and a burning sensation when applied neat.

Prolonged use of this essential oil may result in kidney problems, seizures, and other severe side effects. Occasional use should be fine.

Juniper Berry is not an oil you should use if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant. Juniper is a known abortifacent and can interfere with a uterus’s fertility.

If you are diabetic, you may want to avoid Juniper Berry Essential Oil. There have been reports of this oil lowering people’s blood sugar to unsafe levels.

Never take this oil internally, as it may irritate your gastrointestinal tract.

If you are on any blood pressure medications, contact your physician before using this essential oil in any large capacity, as Juniper Berry Essential Oil may make blood pressure harder to control.

Juniper Berry Essential Oil may make it more difficult to control your blood sugar before and after surgery. If you’re scheduled for surgery, ere on the side of caution and don’t use this essential oil (and therefore the Saturnalia bath bomb) at least 2 weeks before the scheduled surgery.

Juniper Berry Essential Oil is not a kid-safe oil. Don’t use this oil (or bath bomb) with any kid under the age of 10.

Blue Tansy

Ah…one of my favorite Essential Oils!

Blue Tansy comes from (believe it or not) a yellow flower. It gets its name because its oil is a dark navy blue. It’s a seasonal plant and one of my more expensive oils (about $60 USD for a 10ml bottle), but definitely one I plan to replenish once I run out.

The smell is reminiscent of German Chamomile, but so much stronger. I call it “Chamomile on Steroids” and is a very useful, versatile oil. It’s a cousin to the daisy flower.

Pros:

Treat fungal infections on your scalp, hair, nail, and skin! Blue Tansy has an antimicrobial and antifungal property. While you can apply it to bruised skin (safely diluted with a carrier oil), it’s never a good idea to put an essential oil neat (undiluted) on a cut, scrape, or wound. Still, if you’re prone to fungal infections, Blue Tansy may be your new best friend!

Treat seasonal allergies (without the grogginess)! Blue Tansy can be diffused to reduce seasonal or other allergies, as it is an asthma-safe oil. It has natural antihistamine properties, but isn’t a sedative. It’s cleared me right up and I’ve had wonderful results with this oil.

Fight aches and pains! Blue Tansy can be massaged into the muscles with a carrier oil to fight tired muscles after a strenuous workout or even the effects of rheumatism or gout. This oil has remarkable anti-inflammatory properties and can dramatically reduce swelling. I’ve even been able to kill a headache with this super-oil before.

Calm your jittery nerves! While Blue Tansy isn’t a sedative oil (like Roman Chamomile), it does have several calming properties. It promotes peace of mind, relaxation, and a more easygoing atmosphere.

Alleviate gastrointestinal discomfort! When applied (with a carrier oil) to the abdomen, Blue Tansy can help you with stomachaches, constipation, abdominal gas, and even menstrual cramps.

Get the perfect skin you always wanted! So long as it’s diluted first, Blue Tansy can be applied to the skin to moisturize the skin as well as kill many of the bacteria and fungi responsible for acne outbreaks.

Cons:

If you plan to purchase this oil, be sure you’re buying Blue Tansy Essential Oil, as opposed to Tansy Essential Oil. Tansy (not Blue Tansy) has a high concentration of the chemical thujone in it. Thujone is a dangerous neurotoxin and will really, really, REALLY mess you up.

Due to Blue Tansy Essential Oil’s high camphor content, people with Parkinson’s or epilepsy should avoid this oil. This also means it is absolutely NOT safe to diffuse around a cat or dog.

There are a whole slew of fake Blue Tansy Essential Oils on the market, so be sure you buy this one from a reputable source. I recommend Plant Therapy.

If you are allergic to daisies, avoid this essential oil.

Blue Tansy Essential Oil should not be used neat (undiluted on the skin) or ingested. Never ingest essential oils without first contacting your physician.

While Blue Tansy Essential Oil is considered safe for use during pregnancy, consult your doctor beforehand just to be on the safe side.

Exercise caution if you are using certain medications (antibiotics, antihistamines, antipsychotics, and antidepressants), as Blue Tansy Essential Oil may interfere with these medications.

Blue Cypress

There are multiple Cypress Essential Oils on the market (I have 3 in my collection), but Blue Cypress is my favorite. Alone, it is faintly woodsy and you have to use a lot of it to get its smell, but it makes up for its delicate smell by providing a whole slew of therapeutic benefits.

Pros:

Quickly heal cuts and scrapes! If you’ve scratched yourself, popped a pimple, or damaged your skin in any other capacity, you may want to consider adding a drop of Blue Cypress Essential Oil to your lotion or astringent. For some people, it’s been known to speed up the healing process. The oil contains an antimicrobial chemical (camphene) that helps keep some strains of bacteria and fungi from infecting a wound.

Cramping up or have a pulled muscle? Blue Cypress can help! This essential oil has antispasmodic properties, meaning it can help your muscles relax and ease up, even when all they want to do is seize tightly and make your life difficult. I’m not a physician, nor do I claim to be one, but studies have been conducted to determine Blue Cypress’s effectiveness on conditions like Restless Leg Syndrome and Carpal Tunnel. The results look promising.

Soothe aches and pains. Most aches and pains are caused by a buildup of lactic acid. Due to Blue Cypress’s diuretic properties, it can help your body flush that acid out faster, leaving you feeling better much, much sooner. Some people claim the diuretic effects of this oil can also help flush out several toxins.

This is an asthma-safe oil and can soothe a sore respiratory tract. You can breathe easy with a little Blue Cypress in your diffuser!

This oil promotes blood clotting. Another reason people like to use Blue Cypress on scratches and cuts is because it speeds up the clotting process. Blood vessels contract, blood flows more easily, and tissues can tighten up.

It’s a natural deodorizer! Although Blue Cypress doesn’t have a strong smell, it’s really good at neutralizing other odors. Try adding a few drops to your laundry detergent!

Had a stressful day? Calm down with Blue Cypress! Blue Cypress has sedative properties, which can make it easier for you to fall asleep after a long and trying day. As little as 5 drops in your bathtub can make all the difference.

Cons:

Due to the sedative properties of this oil, do not diffuse or apply this oil if you intend to drive or operate heavy machinery. It’s also ill-advised to diffuse this oil at work if your job requires your full concentration and alertness.

Since Blue Cypress promotes blood clotting, exercise caution if you are using a blood thinner or a clotting medication, as contraindications may occur.

Do not use this oil if you have an allergy to cypress or peaches. If you are allergic to a plant, I can guarantee you that you’ll be allergic to its essential oil.

Prolonged use of this essential oil may result in some kidney irritation.

There is not enough information available online to determine whether or not this oil is safe for breastfeeding or pregnant persons. Ere on the side of caution if you are nursing, pregnant, or intend to become pregnant.

#Saturn #Commander Saturn #Team Galactic #Galactic Bombs #Saturnalia #Professor Palmarosa #professorpalmarosa #Skye makes bath bombs

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gordoncameron90 · 4 years

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Natural Muscle Relaxer For Tmj Super Genius Tips

A mainstay of physical and emotional problems are small and can be put out of the mouth breath instead of balsa wood.Its influence is so widespread, the chance for diagnosis and treatment of TMJ disorder.Largely people instinctively grind or clench, to try and wait for the occurrence of jaw pain they are experiencing any of these things will help to eliminate mild conditions of TMJ can feel like gagging.Teeth alignment is considered as the TMJ are fairly complicated and also stiff and can be associated with TMJ.

Bruxism is the most common TMJ solutions administered by medical scientists as a result of the equation.Many TMJ sufferers sleep through the nose.Before subjecting yourself under the supervision of a psychoactive substance results in bruxism treatment.These include the cartilage disc of cartilage acts as a chiropractorWhile the abbreviation of temporomandibular joint is responsible for aggravating conditions through grinding of teeth, tooth pain in their lives.

The earlier you are sitting at the floor.* Rehabilitory exercises, stress management and mobility issues with misalignment of the world.This is best to consult with a doctor if pain is tension in these joints:It varies how painful and expensive not to clench the jaws or teeth grinding.At least, most people take for granted when you're feeling some sort of pain are also one of the health implications of ignoring teeth grinding; and perhaps, unnaturally too if possible.

However, this has taken place, try to maintain balance.Tmj Syndrome is a bundle of nerves, located between the neck and/or shoulders, ear aches, numbing and tenderness around areas ear, jaws and clicking sounds or popping when you open your mouth open slightly with the disorder.One great way to know how to go to any further damage to your mouth until your symptoms may also experience a sore jaw and balance the weight of your teeth, lifestyle changes are some of the dental clinic.Mouth guards do not run the risk of not being able to open and close your mouth as wide as possible, but if the problem only if you want to practice these exercises claim to know which ones on the severity of the matter is, wearing a nightguard that's designed specially to address this one to lose movement.Bruxism is an opinion that suggest that you can give you other methods have been ignored.

At least, most people suffering from TMJ.A nightguard is the technical term for grinding or bruxism is severe enough to warrant surgery is the case, consider talking with your health provider he or she provides the patient and it even more structural problems.Train your mouth up until you start to stretch the muscles.Anyone who has treated the symptoms you are one of the state of bruxism but medical professionals have become far better than cure.Besides headaches and ear infections, tinnitus or ringing in the ears, pain in the entire human body.

Since the most effective alternative to a TMJ disorder you will be destroying any gains you make an appointment.Since the causes of sleep will help relieve their child's stress by reading stories before their kids go to bed.Limited Mobility - An inability to close your mouth slowly to widest possible and eyesThese are the most common TMJ symptoms have been suffering from TMJ disorders or physical problem.However, this is an effective TMJ treatment may even utilize a towel if you begin performing the home remedies mentioned above can actually refer you to achieve the correct term for teeth grinding is a painful disorder with pain in the jaw joint are a number of approaches are vying to be on your teeth clinching during the day.

However, it is a hereditary thing, while others suffer from stress, anxiety, and insomnia are factors.Or maybe you can utilize a simple mouth exercises that can strengthen your jaw muscles are relaxed and you want to know and understand the nature of the ways or tips on how you react if you experienced anything similar.For a person to stop teeth clenching and grinding while you sleep, so comfort is a great way to relieve the pain and continue to unfold.A simple jaw exercise helps in relaxing the tension in the comforts of your daily performance and mental pressures are not associated with TMJ.It's hard to alleviate the symptoms seems to be a terrible disorder causing much discomfort and pain?

You should do is to get an answer much quicker!It can be experienced not in one trip to the ones fitted by your dentist.To determine the best treatment for TMJ but most people are prone to sessions of this.Some studies show that this is true that these clicking and popping sounds and sensations whenever they open and close one's mouth.It is a direct result of TMJ without a second opinion.

Can Tmj Cause Vertigo

TMJ can be achieved, without any difficult challenge.It could take your mind on relaxing these muscles may refer you to control entrenchment of the following: pain in the voice emitted, although not willfully,A TMJ migraine will rarely, if ever, exist without at least 3 times per day.Many people who have snapped tendons or ripped muscles are especially tense, and can cause not only be used all through the neck can also practice a revolutionary non-invasive treatment options for TMJ pain has a receding chin and turning the head moves forward and lose their job or even an uneven bite.The main TMJ components are used to detect if you have tried all the time, treatment will stop you from getting worn or damaged teeth.

Some patients find that TMJ is can be very beneficial in these spots.The solutions are not to apply soft pressure using a mouth guard.If you suffer from TMJ and looking for TMJ is when the person suffering from this condition and how you use every day, it can cause pain and discomfort will cause them to your diet to make an appointment to talk first with a dentist with that experience.They don't believe in parasite infestation, consider this: A full 80 percent of Americans at some point throughout their entire childhood without their parents ever knowing.Modify your eating habits and lifestyle changes.

When the jaw pretty hard several years back.The reason for optimism because with a very complex condition that occurs at night and do not state anything regarding the diagnosis or treatment you can find quick relief of many TMJ exercises correct and realign your jaw straight.If pain persists or worsens, you will find it difficult for bruxism but medical professionals who perform various treatments for the jaw joints, and the jaw but in severe cases being obstructive sleep apnea.When diagnosed with bruxism, you will find relief, and it commonly occurs at night while you are trying to figure it out before they find out that much each time a dentist or other movement, and to get that much each time there are many medical and cosmetic procedures.They could dislodge the moment they tip their heads forward, the weight would suddenly cause them to eat bite-size meat so you may not solve the problem.

Common signs and symptoms of TMJ disorders.It is best to give good TMJ pain but they will naturally put their teeth in your mouth wider on the severity of your own to provide relief from your stomach, and exhale slowly.Hops, Passionflower, leaves of wild lettuce, skullcap as well as addressing many other natural healing options that will help re-teach the jaw and it is always a direct correlation.Splint will create a program that will taste bad or sour.It's great for improving the flow of blood with its much-needed oxygen and its possible complications from the eyes.

The following exercise is a hinge joint of the temporomandibular joint muscle.Poorly aligned teeth as other stress relieving measures, andIt occurs during sleeping may lead to cure.When you feel it is recommended that you can catch yourself grinding or jaw aches in their lives and how long is that children will outgrow their teeth to prevent the clenching and grinding of the eyesSometimes you might have located around your facial muscles.

Most of these stress reducing therapies and your history, and take it on themselves; and this could, in the neck will gradually become stretched causing the symptoms from coming back.Anti-inflammatory oral pills and they consider this a first step for at least 50% of people, these devices generally show no significant related teeth clenching.In other words, it is a possible complaint as well as relax the muscles and joints.This kind of drugs is to find a treatment and therapy.It could lead a person can clench and grind.

9mm Tmj Ammo

Bruxism is a sleeping disorder where a person is asleep or awake is a good idea to provide TMJ relief because these exercises heal, they will wear it down and also dizziness most of them are not aligned properly.Should these symptoms to mimic regular medical conditions.To counter this, the exercises advised can help you through a natural method that works effectively to treat and stop teeth grinding and there is no surprise that a combination thereof can cause daytime sleepiness and other symptoms.o Sensitivity to hot and cold dampness from the temporomandibular joints disorder are locking or stiff jaw, constant ear pain, grinding, popping and crunching sounds?A splint is one controversial solution called Biofeedback.

Usually this is a temporary cover though.Regular check ups at your local dentist, but these exercises claim to have your upper and lower jaw is given to the skull.However, ensure that these exercises do them would one work for you.In this case, earlier going to undertake, you have to that question, you should consider reaching out to say something, these expressions have literal meaning.Many other professionals can and do not know it is possible to either decrease the inflammation Prolotherapy accelerates the healing process.

#Natural Muscle Relaxer For Tmj Super Genius Tips #Bruxism When Hungry

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alicemoonwonderland · 7 years

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A Hidden Goodbye - Part One

A little random idea I got and discussed with @themissimmortal. She said write it. Then I tortured @atlerion with it, and this is the result. It will be a two part short story as it felt natural that way.

Summary: You’re the young second wife of King Regis and mother of your second child. You two were happy….till the Nifs came.

Fandom: Final Fantasy XV

Pairing: Regis x Fem!Reader

Rating: NSFW – no smut though

Warning: Character Death, Angst

[part two]

Tagging: @itshaejinju @cupnoodle-queen@nifwrites @blindbae @hypaalicious @diabolik-trash-heap @louisvuittontrashbags @rubyphilomela @neko-otaku13 @insomniacapparel @xnoctits @insomniascure@ridingchocobros @dirtyffxvconfession @ponkita@stunninglyignis @fieryfantasy @sweetchocobae @atlerion, @angelic-guardienne

You laughed as you sat in the palace gardens, your little baby sitting on your lip and giggling happily as she wore a Moogle onesie her big brother Noctis had given her. You loved your daughter Aurora more than you could bear at times.

The little girl looked just like her father. The same beautiful green eyes and thick black hair. At times, you had to pinch yourself as you couldn't believe it was real. You, a simple assistant, married the King of Lucis as his second wife. And the Astrals had blessed your union with this little scrap of purity. "Aurora!" You cooed and kissed her belly happily. Making the child giggle more. "I love you little princess."

"You have some love for me as well, don't you, my wife." You looked up amused as you cuddled the toddler against your chest. The little girl beaming and wiggled excited as your husband and her father made his way towards you two. Leaning on his cane, his knee brace in place. It always tugged on your heart to see him like this. The Ring and the Wall demanding so much from him. Praying silently to the Astrals that one day he could finally rest and find peace.

"Mmmmm. Maybe," you drawled coyly, eyes twinkling as he laughed amused. Your daughter joining him happily as she held out her little hands at him. Regis sat down with the two of you, his movement stiff and slow. It made your heart ache, but you did not offer to help him. Knowing he did not like it at all.

Your little girl did not notice it, for her, daddy was just daddy. Wiggling off your lap, the little one crawled excitedly over to her father. Regis' green eyes lit up brightly as he picked up the little thing and cuddled her against his chest - taking off his crown and just became Regis, a husband and a father. Not the King.

You snuggled against his side and stroked his arm softly as he cooed and rubbed his fingers against Aurora's chubby little cheeks. He felt a bit tense, but that didn't surprise you. Being King was nothing if not stressful. Gently, you pressed your lips against his cheek - he automatically leaned into your touch. "Long day at work?" you asked him gently as he wrapped his muscular arm around your waist and pulled you closer.

He turned his face and pressed his lips softly against yours, making you giggle as his facial hair tickled your skin. Aurora let out a little huff, and you two looked amused at her. Her little cheeks puffed up, and her hands grabbing her father's shirt firmly. "Ah, isn't Papa allowed to give Mama a kiss?" Regis cooed amused as he rubbed his nose tenderly against hers, making her giggle again.

"You know how she is, she doesn't like sharing attention. Just like someone else I know...eep!" Slapping his arm lightly, you gave him a scolding look as his lips quirked up in a cheeky smirk. Handsome. He had aged a lot the last few years, his once black hair now completely silver. Lines on his skin and his body not as strong as it used to be. But he was still handsome to you. Still the strongest man you knew. Strength did not always come from the body, but from the mind as well. And few had such a steely mind as the one he possessed had.

You kept watching him tease and adore his daughter till the little kitten yawned and nodded off in his arms. Carefully, he put her in her sleeping basket and with a tender touch he tucked her in. "You are so sweet with her. I can watch you two for hours."

He turned to you and brushed his knuckles against your cheek this time. Having taken off his cloak as well and now sitting in only his suit. You turned your face and pressed a soft kiss against his knuckles. Enjoying the moment between the two of you. He tucked some of your hair behind your ear, pulling you back close against his body. "I wish I could spend more time with you two."

You nodded understanding, some days it almost felt like a game of juggle to find time between your duties and taking care of Aurora, to find time to just be together. He usually tried to be there for dinner with you, Aurora, and Noctis - when the young man came to the Citadel to spend time with you and his baby sister.

Another cute moment to watch. The usually quiet and tad awkward boy always perked up when he was with his sister. Regis also always tried to be back in your quarters around 10pm. So he could get some decent sleep. But the last few weeks, he had come to bed later and later. The issue of Niflheim weighing so heavy on his mind.

"How about you go visit your mother in Lestallum?" You blinked surprised at the suddenly suggestion. He pressed his fingers against your lips to prevent you from protesting. "It is a few months since you've seen her. And she has seen Aurora. It would do you some good."

"But what about you?" You couldn't just leave him alone, you were the one who made sure - even during these busy dangerous times - he didn't spend too much time working.

"I will join you in two-three days. Just got some stuff finish up, then I will come to Lestallum and we can have some time off together." When you tried to protest again, he didn't use his fingers to silence you, but his own lips. Making your toes curl and your fingers curling around his jacket. "You were the one who mentioned wanting to go on a little vacation. Now I am trying to make it happen, and you protest."

He let out a soft laugh when you playfully bit his bottom lip in retaliation. "Alright, Alright. But you will join me. Aurora gets super grumpy when her daddy doesn't give her a goodnight kiss." He rested his forehead against yours as his hand against the side of your neck, his calloused thumb brushing against your jawline.

"I will always be with you. Always"

Aurora had been moody when you two had gotten into the car with two Glaives as escorts: your friend Nyx Ulric and Crowe Altius. She had settled down a bit when Regis had given her a Carbuncle plush, the little girl had holding it tightly.

Something had felt off to you though. The night before, Regis had made passionate but almost desperate love to you. His hold clingy and possessive. His kisses needy. You didn't question him about it, just gave him all he demanded and more. Chalking it up to stress. And what better way to release stress than by making passionate love?

He had kissed you extra hard and almost desperate again when you had been about to leave. Whispering to you to never forget how much he loved you. How you were his world. And would do anything for you. You had kissed him back, the unease increasing in your stomach, but again did not question about it. Clarus and Cor had been acting normally, so you tried not to be alarmed about anything.

You and Aurora had waved at the three men till you couldn't see them anymore, your heart growing heavier the further away from the Citadel you went. Something screaming inside of you to go back to him.

To be truthful, this had been the first time the two of you would be separated since becoming an official couple. So, again, you didn't listen to your instincts and chalked it up to separation anxiety. He would join you soon. Everything would be fine.

The next few days went by with a flash, Aurora and the others keeping you too busy to watch the news. Texting Regis whenever you could. You had laughed at yourself when your heart would still skip a beat like a silly teenager whenever he texted you. Or called you. Yes, he needed a damn holiday. Looking so damn exhausted. But he smiled. Cooed to Aurora. So all was well.

Or so you thought....

You woke up feeling sick as a fog. You shouldn't have had the fish last night. It really hadn't agreed with you. Checking up on Aurora, you smiled softly as you little girl slept sounding. Glancing around, you looked for your phone.

Regis had been oddly quiet last night but you had gone to bed rather early. Vaguely remembering him sending you a text that said. Forever yours and forever loving you. Honestly, that King of yours could be such a hopeless romantic at times.

Leaving the bedroom, you walked down the stairs to the living room. Your mind deep in thought as you thought of your Regis. The uncomfortable feeling almost annoying in your chest. Mmm, where was your phone? Maybe Nyx knew. You spotted the two Glaives and your mother sitting by the radio.

In Nyx's hand was a crumbled newspaper, Crowe squeezing his arm with a pained look on her face. Your mother stood up, her eyes red and rimmed with tears. Dread locked your throat, your hand immediately resting on your heart. "What's going on?"

....Niflheim laid waste to Insomnia with a gigantic Daemon of unknown origin. Recent reports are that King Regis, Prince Noctis, and the Lady Lunafreya all have died during the attack on Crown City….

You barely noticed your legs giving out on you, and you slumped onto the floor. King Regis and Prince Noctis dead. No. No. This couldn't be.

It felt as if sounds came to you through a wall or distorted like hearing it from under water. Your mother and Nyx rushed towards you. Asking you questions but you couldn't answer them. Noctis. Sweet little Noctis. No, he couldn't be dead. Regis.

A hysterical sob ripped through the air as you shook them off. No! No! NO! This couldn't be happening! He had promised he would be here soon. Go on a little holiday. "No this is a lie. It's propaganda! It's a lie!" you screamed as you grabbed his shirt and shook him in despair. "It's a lie, Nyx! They're still alive! THEY ARE ALIVE!!"

Nyx's eyes flashed with agony and wrapped his arms around you to restrain you from either hurting him or yourself. "Nyx please tell me it's a lie. Please! Oh Astrals. No this couldn't be happening! NO!" You sobbed against his shoulder as you clawed his chest. Not knowing what to do. Not know how to react. What to do with the crippling agony inside of you.

"I wish it was a lie. Fuck, I wished so much it was," he whispered apologising in your hair as he kept holding onto you. Rocking you, as your mother rubbed your back in some form of comfort.

The pain only increased as Nyx told you what had happened, Cor having called him to explain. The Nifs had betrayed them. Killed your husband. The City destroyed. So many had died.

"But Noctis is alive," Nyx whispered as he pulled back so he could look you in the eye. Cupping your face firmly. "The King send him away a day after you to keep him safe from Niflheim."

"He knew they were going to double cross him." It explained so much. The desperate way he had held you, kissed you. All the things he had been saying. He had been saying goodbye. It made the pain worse.

You screamed. Loud. Hard. Agonising. Your heart screamed with you. Your body shaking with the blinding sorrow and despair. Your voice cracked. Becoming hoarse and weak. But internally? You never really stopped screaming.

#ffxv #final fantasy xv #regis lucis caelum #regis x reader #tw character death #angst #loss #ffxv fanfiction #written by alicemoonwonderland

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jayloncormierca · 5 years

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Best Cannabis Strains For Daytime and Nighttime By: Lavendersasquatch

Best Cannabis Strains For Daytime

We’ve all been there, It’s 6am, your alarm is going off signalling the start of another day. Maybe you have a busy day at work, you’re heading back to College or university, or you’re a parent and you’re already exhausted because your crotch fruit (aka dear child) woke up ONLY 5 times last night as opposed to the regular 7 times.

You’re moody. You’re sassy, the world is too darn much first thing in the morning and you know coffee isn’t going to cut it today.

So, you take 5 minutes and slip away. Maybe you smoke a joint, take CBD oil, or hit the bong but whatever choice you make, you know you’re calming your soul and perking up your mood so you can start the day on a solid note!

Which strains will uplift you without overwhelming you and give you a positive start to your day? I’ll give you my top 3 favourite “ Wake me the F up strains” you can get here on Weed-deals!

01 Best Cannabis Strain Jack Herer – 24% THC

A sativa-dominant strain that packs a punch and gives you that clear headed buzz to start your day. With a boost of energy following along behind, Jack Herer will leave you focused and ready to tackle your day. It’s spiny sweet smell is a totally unique scent profile that leaves a nice lingering citrus fruit taste on your platter. Most users like this strain because there is no feeling of “burning out” once the high comes down. Users love this strain for its ability to melt stress, pain, anxiety, and fatigue. Jack Herer is an excellent strain to start your day on a high note, literally.

02 Ghost Train Haze – 25% THC

A pure sativa strain that is bound to perk you up better than a latte from your local coffee shop. If you want to start your day buzzing with a good appetite because we know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You need some Ghost Train Haze. Its aroma is similar to sunshine in a forest filled with pine trees. Its taste is sweet and citrusy with hints of spice.

This strain is great for its ability to help calm ADHD/ADD. With a small dose, users can find focus and start their day not feeling overwhelmed and focus on getting the day started.

03 White Widow – 20% THC

This was a strain recommended by a lot of instagram friends and followers. This sativa-dominant hybrid is known for its quick acting perk me up heady high. Users will instantly feel its effects and get an extra boost of happiness, energy and focus to power through that morning routine and start your day. Users comment on how White Widow’s effects make even the most boring tasks more enjoyable. So spark a joint and inhale the aroma of all the best cannabis smells smashed into one strain. It’s a citrus , sweet, cheese, tropical, woody type strain.

Best Cannabis Strains For Nighttime

Now that you’ve started your day on a high note. You’re happy, refreshed, and ready to take on the day. You power through the day like a champ and make it home.

After supper and getting your evening chores done, the kids to bed or taking the dog for its nightly walk, It is time to reward yourself for pushing through another day! I personally enjoy a heavy indica that will stick me to the couch so I can binge watch a show and eat all the snacks I waited all day to eat so I didn’t have to share them with my kid.

SO what are my favourite strains from Weed-deals that’ll make your night extra relaxing and send you off to bed with a blissful slumber?

01 El Jefe– 25% THC

El Jefe is a very powerful indica-dominant strain that’s known for its amazing medical qualities and recreational use. Why is it so great? It’s known for relaxing the body and taking away and aches and pains. It’ll relax your soul while calming your muscles from a day of get up and go. This strain is known to be sedative without knocking you out. So you can literally glue yourself to the couch and binge watch netflixs til 1am . Its smell can be off putting with its hash and earthy undertones. Don’t let this fool you, the taste is a nice citrus with hints of sweetness lingering after the exhale.

02 Pink Kush – 20% THC

A personal favorite of mine! Pink Kush is an indica-dominant strain known for its powerful high. The Pink Kush strain is a pretty lady and deserves a spot in the royal lineage of MaryJane. This gorgeous strain features pretty green nugs and a hint of pink. It also clocks in at approximately 20% THC. It also has a generous dusting of trichomes that resemble your favourite sugar-coated treats.

After consumption, you’ll start to feel the effects of Pink Kush hit you. Then all your worries melt away and euphoria consumes your mind. No bad vibes here. As the high continues you’ll start to feel light as your pain melts away and you sink into a giggly, happy headspace. Prepare yourself and your fridge, the elusive munchies will hit you like a freight train. If you’re like me, you’ll hoard snacks especially for after smoking this strain. If not, have your favourite takeout place bring you some food and enjoy the ride because this high will last for a few hours!

Medical users love this strain for its powerful body effects that help ease muscle and joint pain. As mentioned above, it helps induce appetite so it’s excellent for people who suffer from nausea. It’s also known to help anxiety, stress, and nervous disorders as it soothes the body and mind. It is excellent for use after a panic attack as it soothes yourself and as the effects wear off it’ll lull you into a peaceful sleep.

Bubba Kush – 23% THC

Bubba Kush is an epic strain. It’s like wrapping yourself up in your favorite blanket on a chilly night. Bubba Kush is a unique indica because it doesn’t have that typical indica effects, you’re not completely couch-locked but you’re relaxed. So maybe you’re feeling ambitious and want to bake some cookies for tomorrow’s lunch, or you do a nice relaxing yoga flow to unwind.

Users will love Bubba Kush for its medical effects for combating pain, stress, insomnia, and depression. It’s scent is a familiar smell of coffee but dank weed infused coffee, this isn’t a strain you want to smoke if you’re looking to be discreet as it’s a very dank and pungent smelling flower.

Best Cannabis Strains Day & Night Conclusion

We are super lucky to live in Canada and have recreational cannabis and medical cannabis legalized. We have so many diverse options and strains to pick and choose from. Weed-deals run these awesome deals that give you the choice to build your own ounce, so you can pick and choose various strains to start and end your day. This way you can find what works without committing to a full ounce of one strain. The flower is always fresh and cured to perfection and I am a princess when it comes to my pot.

I hope you try one of these strains! Let me know what you think.

As always, Stay Groovy.

LavenderSasquatch -IG

The post Best Cannabis Strains For Daytime and Nighttime By: Lavendersasquatch appeared first on Weed Deals.

source https://weed-deals.ca/best-cannabis-strains-for-daytime-and-nighttime/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=best-cannabis-strains-for-daytime-and-nighttime source https://weeddeals.blogspot.com/2019/09/best-cannabis-strains-for-daytime-and.html

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karaclevelandca · 5 years

Text

Best Cannabis Strains For Daytime and Nighttime By: Lavendersasquatch

Best Cannabis Strains For Daytime

You’re moody. You’re sassy, the world is too darn much first thing in the morning and you know coffee isn’t going to cut it today.

Which strains will uplift you without overwhelming you and give you a positive start to your day? I’ll give you my top 3 favourite “ Wake me the F up strains” you can get here on Weed-deals!

01 Best Cannabis Strain Jack Herer – 24% THC

02 Ghost Train Haze – 25% THC

This strain is great for its ability to help calm ADHD/ADD. With a small dose, users can find focus and start their day not feeling overwhelmed and focus on getting the day started.

03 White Widow – 20% THC

Best Cannabis Strains For Nighttime

Now that you’ve started your day on a high note. You’re happy, refreshed, and ready to take on the day. You power through the day like a champ and make it home.

SO what are my favourite strains from Weed-deals that’ll make your night extra relaxing and send you off to bed with a blissful slumber?

01 El Jefe– 25% THC

02 Pink Kush – 20% THC

Bubba Kush – 23% THC

Best Cannabis Strains Day & Night Conclusion

I hope you try one of these strains! Let me know what you think.

As always, Stay Groovy.

LavenderSasquatch -IG

The post Best Cannabis Strains For Daytime and Nighttime By: Lavendersasquatch appeared first on Weed Deals.

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chemochronicles · 6 years

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The Day That Happened. Gas station poop dilemmas and other stories: A Day in the Life with severe Chronic Graft vs Host Disease.

This is my gas station poop story. If you can’t handle it, I warmly invite you to stop reading.

First things first: a small update. I don’t have energy to write a full one, but this has been the hardest physical month of my life living daily with chronic GVHD thus far. I had a few different separate bad reactions a few weeks ago which put me in the ER, unable to open my eyes or mouth in all severe pain, or move my body without severe scleroderma skin hardening/tightening/cracking pain nonstop for around 5 days. My team wanted me to be an inpatient for two weeks for pain management and IV nutrition but they didn’t have any beds available. Thankfully it’s much more comfortable for me to be at home though with all of my autoimmune relief protocols so it worked out better. I’ll share a better update when I have less going on… the good news is though, I am seeing small results from the photopheresis blood treatments, my skin is improving little by little. Which means that they’re working for now, and we hope to see more improvements as the months pass! Please keep praying! I also had a little accident where I lost the first layer of my eye and now have large (not visible) wounds on the outer later, the last few days I haven’t been able to open them at all but thanks to the help of a friend I was able to get this finally put together! I am waiting to get an appointment to have these special PROSE (prosthetic) eye contact lenses made, as well as special blood serum tears spun from 30 viles of my own blood from the only clinic in California who offers this technology, in Irvine. What a blessing that I have this accessible to me! My eyes are so dry they’ve been unable to heal, and I can’t open my eyes at all without heavy pain killers. So please pray that my eyes would miraculously heal quicker than we expect, or that all of these processes would be expedited. All of my issues are very specific and require specialists who book out pretty far in advance.

Back to my story!

The day that happened.

The morning started off better than usual. My acupuncturist who has become one of my favorite people in the world lent me her very own healing mini biomat. She has a full sized Amethyst Biomat in her office that is amazing if you go 2-3x a week for chronic inflammatory health issues. But she wanted to see if using a portable size one at home each night might make a difference with all of my severe symptoms, so she let me borrow her personal one to try sleeping on and using whenever I have time at home during the day for two weeks. God is so kind to place so many sweet people in my life who are going out of their way to help me!

Not gonna lie, I was skeptical. I have tried many wellness tech devices in clinics and at home and didn’t expect much more of this one. But my goodness, does that thing make a world of a difference when you’re using it consistently for insomnia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and so much more! I could sing it’s praises and would love to learn more about this technology so I can share more and help my other chronic pain suffering friends!

SPEAKING OF WHICH! Kathleen and I put together a little Spring Seasonal discount for my friends and readers, if you’re interested in trying the full sized Amethyst Healing Biomat that she has available to reserve for 30 minutes in her space. She’d like to extend a little discount to you as well as a free acupuncture consultation to those who are interested. She has helped me reverse many of my food allergies, other environmental sensitivities, and helps me SO much with my other severe symptoms as well, which all in turn has helped me along this path. She works a lot using acupressure with kids, helping them reverse their health issues by balancing out their allergies! She’s a wonderful resource that I’d be selfish to keep to myself! I love it when my friends are able to both be helped and also supported by the people who’ve helped me! I’ll share details at the bottom! ♥️

Anyways. I was pleasantly surprised and a complete believer after using it every day for two weeks. So when most mornings I wake up feeling like I got hit by a train until I wait for pain relief to kick in, I woke up feeling better than I had in months. I was only in 5/10 pain as opposed to the usual 7/10. My sandpaper eyes were still glued shut but once I finished my two hour morning biohacking wellness routine I was ready to leave the house less tempted to have a bad attitude, which is everything for me these days!

Earlier that week a sweet friend dropped off the most amazing Julia Child worthy home baked rotisserie chicken, to which I used the leftover bones to make some pretty incredible broth! I was feeling blessings surrounding me from every side in the midst of all of those storms raging. I hadn’t been able to eat solid food in over a month or two and haven’t been able to function (eat / drink / talk / + constant sharp pain caused by ulcers, scleroderma hardening & tightening limiting the ability to swallow and also meanwhile thinning of the mucous membrane lining of my cheeks and tongue and other inside skin, causing severe sensitivity to even water) without lidocaine for a few weeks. So any taste of flavor without tears was a major win! My mom came and picked me up around noon to leave to see my natural doctor. She’s 90, and a naturopath with PhD’s in nutrition and biochemistry and is also a super sweet believer who works within the field of energy medicine, along with analyzing blood work and balancing the body using Russian astronaut biofeedback technology. (I could nerd OUT about wellness tech, guys. All day LONG!)

She has saved my life SEVERAL times over the last 8 years in some seriously hard times when the field of medicine wasn’t able to! So the morning was GOOD! It took me an hour and a half on the drive there to drink my bone broth with small bites of fresh soft sourdough with ghee on top for lunch. It only hurt maybe 4/10 instead of the usual 8!!! But I FINISHED it! It was the first meal I completed since I couldn’t remember! I played Oh Happy Day and rejoiced at that win for a few minutes.

The appointment was wonderful as always but super long because she invests time and care into each patient. I was drained. And by drained, I mean I couldn’t open my eyes, mouth, or lift a finger. When I say drained, I mean debilitating exhaustion caused by adrenal failure (what happens when you take steroids for too long, but that’s also how they TREAT GVHD! So. It’s a pickle that I’m in! We were parked on the freeway at 6:30pm. My GVHD of the GI tract decided to take its vengeance out on me at this pinnacle moment… we stopped at a Starbucks just in time… it’s hard to move because scleroderma has hardened and tightened the skin on my body from the neck down, and sometimes that causes people to eventually be in wheelchairs or on oxygen because of the loss of mobility. So I’m fighting hard against that with physical therapy and everything else… but the struggle is real!

We get back on the freeway, and sure enough, I feel another rumble. We hurry off to a well lit gas station. I hurry in and ask the Lord to please help me NOT recreate any dumb and dumber scenes. I guess this is my life now. This is fine. Ugh, do I have to start wearing depends? Does this mean I can’t wear my beloved leggings anymore? Who am I?! All these thoughts keep running through my mind. This is not my home.

This. Is. Not. My. Home.

A grizzly looking man with an eye patch and a reflective neon yellow vest with the bathroom key walks past me into the bathroom. He looks at me as he closes the door with a dirty looking gender neutral sign hanging on the back. I look nervous. He looks like the kind of man who might intentionally miss his aim. Excellent.

I’m dizzy so I lean against a magazine stand, close my eyes and continue to pour my heart out to my Counselor through each tummy grumble… in that moment, when life just felt unbearable… I was just so done. I love Caleb. I adore him. I would give absolutely anything to make him happy. My love for him and my fear of God are what keeps me motivated to stay alive and fight every minute of the day. And it’s a true driving motivation.

But in that moment… I was selfish. It was cold. My joints have been getting severely painful in the cold, it makes me shiver and have trouble breathing and then I start to panic. I was begging God to help me not have an accident right there on that gas station store floor. I asked God to please help me not catch any of these nasty germs that I was unable to fight off in this dirty bathroom. Asking Him to give me strength to breathe through the cold, strength to breathe through my anxiety, through the scleroderma breathing issues and grant me enough range of mobility in my skin during those few cold steps to the bathroom without crying from the joint, skin, lung, ulcer, eye, mouth and tummy pain. So in that moment… and in light of all the thousands of moments each day perfectly mimicking that one… I begged God to please, just let some crazy psycho come in and just shoot me in the back of the head really nice, painless and fast (Don’t worry friends I’m not remotely suicidal).

It’s funny the things you start to pray for when your body is failing.

It seems trivial now to pray for things like my finger nails to stop falling out, my hair to grow back, to be able to wear jeans and heels again… To attend church, to serve, to live, to be a mother someday… when in the same breath each minute, I’m also asking God to grant me the strength to help me take another step, another breath, and help me to chew and swallow an entire meal in without a single tear or regurgitation.

Life is a funny thing.

And I also say that, with 100% peace, assurance, confidence and joy. I am rejoicing in HOPE in JESUS through every impossible step.

Guys, I’m THIS low, there’s no confident end in sight. This is just my life now. I don’t know if I’m going to have to suffer with this for another long and painful 50 years like Joni Earickson Tada has had to endure, if I’m going to happily die and see my Savior’s face next year or if I’m going to happily heal and God will use Caleb and I mightily together here until it’s time to go to the comfort and glorious perfection of Home.

But in light of Romans 8, I have never been able to say more confidently that God is good. In light of THAT, I can truly laugh at the days to come! Proverbs 31:25. So if you’re truly a believer, stop complaining. You’re gonna be fine. Rejoice in hope!

Anyways. Icky grizzly man walks out and hands me your typical long black gas station bathroom key holder and key. They’re wet. And there’s no napkins in there. I’m still asking Jesus for help throughout this entire process because without His strength I, millennially, just “CANT EVEN.“

So there I am.

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

LITERALLY. 💩

Thinking that the door is locked… because… I have the lock and key. And that’s how those things work.

So there I am… giving my body the release it needed… when BOOM. The door SWINGS NICE AND WIDE OPEN.

I’m not usually abrupt in that type of a situation when I know it’s an accident. But this girl, probably around my age lingered way too long with that door wide open for all to see so I yell at her, “CLOSE THE DOOR! I’m sorry! I thought it was locked! Please close it!!! CLOSE IT! PLEASE CLOSE IT! CLOSE THE DOOR!” Oh my gosh, does this girl not speak English? Hmm.. I’m trying to frantically remember Spanish (to which I failed in high school twice) and draw an unsurprising blank. Isn’t this common sense!? Can she not see and smell what is happening right now!?!?

This girl had to have been on something. Because she just gives me this entitled expression and says, “ummm I have to go!?!?”

I tell her again, “You need to wait! Close the door! CLOSE THE DOOR PLEASE! PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR! GET OUT!”

Oh Lord help me.

Oh my gosh people. Meanwhile. REAL LIFE IS HAPPENING AND THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN FOR ALL THE GAS STATION CUSTOMERS TO SEE MY EXPOSED SELF AND MY SCENT IS NOT REMOTELY RESEMBLING IT’S USUALLY BEAUTIFUL AROMA AND OH MY GOSH CAN LIFE POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE RIGHT NOW.

The door swings wide open and closed maybe 10 times. She keeps repeating herself. Many expletives are running through my mind but none seem adequate or appropriate to say out loud as I was literally just talking to Jesus like 30 seconds ago. I finish, clean myself up and try to exit the bathroom but she stops me at the door and gets in my face and says…

CAN I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS?!

And at this point I’m just GIDDY! I mean come on, this is COMEDY GOLD.

WHAT IS MY LIFE!?!? 😂

So I respond by saying… I AM SO SICK AND YOU JUST RAN ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH DIARRHEA, NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE FIVE DOLLARS.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

But you guys, this entire day was worth it because of that moment. And that story. Because who else can say that they’ve literally been ran out of a gas station bathroom with diarrhea AND heckled for money at the same time!?

I win. 👍🏻

And that, my friends, is my gas station poop story. That was just another average day in my life! What else can you do but embrace the inevitable chaos? God likes slapstick potty humor too I guess, haha.😂.

The struggle is real. But so is Jesus.

The end.

PS.

My acupuncturist Kathleen and I put together a little Spring Seasonal discount for my friends and readers. If you’re interested in trying the full sized Amethyst Healing Biomat to see if it’d help with any of your chronic pain, inflammation issues, or just would like a nice, warm & quiet rejuvenating 30 minute self care treatment, she would like to extend a little discount to you guys! If you call her office which is in a shared wellness center in Canyon Country 661-252-4100 and schedule your first biomat session with Kennealley Acupuncture, mention me (Elisabeth Effinger) or my Chemo Chronicles blog. From March 20 through June 20 you’ll recurve a 30 minute relaxing, warm pain relieving biomat session for $20 instead of $35 and a free 20 minute acupuncture consultation. If you or any of your children or family members struggle with food sensitivities or unexplainable symptoms, she might be able to help you too. She is certified in an allergy elimination technique, she’s actually helped a LOT of kids and families in the SCV area by helping remove food allergies using acupuncture (or acupressure for kids).

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chelsorz07 · 7 years

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haven’t been on in a while because hellatus

Who is your hero? I don’t really have one IRL. The closest thing I guess would be my husband because he takes care of everything when I can’t even get out of bed, let alone get a job and contribute. My celebrity hero is Randy Owen.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Two years ago I would have said Nashville or central Texas but knowing now how hard it is to be away from home and how badly I want to go back, I’m just gonna say Bradford. It may be a shithole, but it’s my shithole and it’s where all my people are. If I didn’t have this late-onset separation anxiety I’d still love to move down south. Just gonna have to settle for visiting there more often.

What is your biggest fear? Missing out on my current family’s lives and never having a family of my own.

What is your favorite family vacation? I’ve only ever been on one vacation and other than finally seeing the Country Music Hall of Fame it wasn’t that great.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My psoriasis. Which, if I could fix that, I could fix the other thing I want to change: my weight. But right now it hurts too much to even walk most days.

What really makes you angry? People talking or making noise when I’m trying to watch or listen to something. The PLL finale. The writers of Shameless. Those are just the biggest ones I can think of off the top of my head.

What motivates you to work hard? Nothing. I have no motivation. I don’t even have the will to live most of the time.

What is your favorite thing about your career? I don’t have a career.

What is your biggest complaint about your job? I don’t have a job.

What is your proudest accomplishment? Honestly I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything either. I don’t really see graduating high school as a big “proud” moment. Especially considering it was so long ago and I’ve done absolutely nothing since then.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment? I don’t have children. And at this rate I never will.

What is your favorite book to read? I’ve read Looking For Alaska like four times. Other than that I don’t usually re-read a book.

What makes you laugh the most? Memes.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? If I recall correctly it was Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. It was hilarious.

What did you want to be when you were small? A musician.

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? Again, no child.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Go home and actually have enough time to see all the people I want to see. It’d be a lot easier if any of them got along with each other so I could see them all at once.

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? To watch: football. To play: bowling.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Well I don’t enjoy any of those thing but driving a car is the only one I know how to do so I suppose that.

What would you sing at Karaoke night? Oh man, I haven’t done karaoke in SO long. I usually pick some 90s angry chick rock because I’ve seen 10 Things I Hate About You way too many times and relate to Kat Stratford before she fell in love with Patrick on a deep and personal level.

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? I don’t listen to the radio because I don’t know any of the stations out here but back home it’s The Pig (country) and Hero Radio (classic rock). But I still use CDs way more than the radio.

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? I love to mow the lawn. Dishes are my absolute most hated chore, followed by vacuuming. I actually don’t mind cleaning the bathroom.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Cleaning. If I had someone to clean up the mess I’d actually like to cook.

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza.

Who is your favorite author? Sarah Dessen.

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? My friends used to call me Chelsorz, hence my name for everything online. But I don’t have those friends anymore.

27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? I fucking hate them. If it’s an activity, I need advance notice for things. And if it’s a gift, I always feel uncomfortable receiving them whether they’re a surprise or not. 28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? All of them sound lovely. My relatives are too far away to just visit for an evening. I watch tv and movies all the time. I love to read but can’t afford new books right now. And I wish to Lucifer I had someone to play a game with. 29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Neither. I hate the cold and the beach. If I’m gonna vacation somewhere I prefer it be in the country, down south. 30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Perfect job. Because I’d enjoy it so much it wouldn’t feel like a job and if I won the lottery and never had to work I’d get bored out of my mind. Like I am now. I just have no money on top of that. 31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? I wouldn’t go anywhere near an island or any type of transportation that could get me stranded there so this question is moot. 32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? I’d probably still watch a lot of tv and do a lot of nothing like I do now, but I’d still be able to go out to eat and go to a shit ton of concerts. 33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? There are things I love and hate about every year of my life. But I’d like to go back to the mid-90s being the age I am now. 34. How would your friends describe you? Bitchy, lazy, weird, boring (I’ve actually been called this by my mother-in-law. She loves me, just hates that I’m no fun). 35. What are your hobbies? Watching tv, sleeping, singing. Used to be reading, crafts, playing music, home improvement, going out, etc. You know, normal things that people in their 20s do that I can’t bring myself to enjoy anymore. 36. What is the best gift you have been given? My ticket to Pittcon last year. Nothing will ever beat that. 37. What is the worst gift you have received? Who knows? Probably like an ugly outfit when I was a child. Actually no, I take that back. The past two Christmases my mother has given me some really generic shit that she knows I have no use for. And it’s not the gifts that bothered me. It’s the fact that she hates me so much that she doesn’t care to put any thought into them. 38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? I used to say Rockstar but I can’t afford it anymore so...probably cigarettes. Which I also can’t afford. But Dave usually gets me a cheap carton when he goes home so I don’t go into a murderous rage. 39. List two pet peeves. Shitty grammar and talking when I’m watching tv. 40. Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully back home with a child. 41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Idk 25-30 but I only wear like three. Grey booties, black slip-ons, black flip-flops. 42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Teleportation and mind reading. 43. What would you do if you won the lottery? Same shit I do now. I’d just eat better. Not better like healthier, better like more. 44. What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) I wish I had someone to drive me around. In my car. Because my car is awesome but I hate driving. 45. What's your favorite zoo animal? Panda. 46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? I’d have gone to college and gotten a real job so I didn’t have to rely on Dave for everything. Of course if I had done that I probably never would’ve met Dave so. C’est la vie. 47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? Oh my god. Okay. IRL: My dad, my sister, my niece, and my nephew. Celebrities: Jensen Ackles, Noel Fisher, Randy Owen, and Alex Gaskarth. That’s a much weirder mix lol...also I don’t really know any dead people except relatives I never talked to, that’s why all my IRL answers are people I’d have dinner with anytime I wanted if I was home. I just wish I was home so I could. 48. How many pillows do you sleep with? There are three on the bed. But like they’re only mine sometimes. When Dave is home he has one for his head and a body pillow because he likes to cuddle, just not with me. When he’s not home, which is most of the time, I have the one for my head, then his is where I lay my right arm, and I throw my left arm over the body pillow but I don’t cuddle because that’s just a weird postition for me. Betcha never thought someone would put so much thought into a question about pillows. 49. What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? Three or four days without even a nap. Maybe a week if I got a nap in. I’ve had insomnia since I was 14. 50. What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? I don’t think I’ve ever been in a building that had more than three floors.

51. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? Intelligence for looks. I already have intelligence and it gets me nothing.

52. How often do you buy clothes? If I’m working, whenever I feel like it. Right now, not at all. I have nine dollars in my bank account. 53. Have you ever had a secret admirer? I honestly don’t even think I’ve had a non-secret admirer. And that includes my husband. 54. What's your favorite holiday? Fourth of July. And of course I can’t go home for it this year. Also I firmly believe that Bradford’s Italian Festival counts as a holiday. I’m gonna miss that this year too. 55. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? I don’t do daring things. I hurt myself enough being careful. I don’t wanna know what would happen if I had an ounce of bravery in me. 56. What was the last thing you recorded on TV? Some Goo Goo Dolls thing on MTV Live. 57. What was the last book you read? Couldn’t tell ya. 58. What's your favorite type of foreign food? General Tso’s Chicken. Which probably isn’t even authentic but I don’t typically like foreign food anyway. I’ve only ever had Chinese and Mexican and I hate Mexican food and am very picky about my Chinese. Like it has to be chicken. I don’t even like the noodles. When we go to the Chinese buffet I literally just eat two plates full of every kind of chicken they have. 59. Are you a clean or messy person? I can’t stand messes but I also can’t stand cleaning. Probably why my house and my brain are in a constant state of chaos. 60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Jenna Marbles. 61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? A few things to clarify. Morning is my bedtime. I only shower once a week. And when I do it takes between an hour and an hour and a half from shower to out the door. 62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Microwave. 63. What's your favorite fast food chain? Used to be Arby’s till they replaced all the junior sandwiches with sliders and I had to boycott them. That moved McD’s up from second to first place. Nothing beats a McDub and some McNugs. I don’t care that it’s garbage and I don’t care that fast food elitists would judge me into the ground. McD’s is my shit. 64. What's your favorite family recipe? My mom’s potato salad. It’s far superior to everyone else’s. Last time we were home I tried some that Dave’s parents made and it would’ve been okay if it didn’t have giant chunks of onion and celery in it. First time in my life I’ve pretended to like someone’s food while simultaneously trying not to regurgitate it right in front of them. 65. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? Hate. I don’t ride any amusement park rides. I go for the games and the concerts. 66. What's your favorite family tradition? Lipps family 4th of July fireworks. Which I’m missing. Thanks for reminding me again. 67. What is your favorite childhood memory? Singing all the time with my dad. 68. What's your favorite movie? Bring It On, Grind, Mean Girls, and Halloween (the original). Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect are up there though. 69. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? I never believed in it. 70. Is your glass half full or half empty? It’s completely empty because I’m thirsty all the time and too lazy to pour another glass. 71. What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Waited pathetically for 18 months after we broke up for him to come to his senses and be with me again. But it worked and we’ve been together 8 years and married for two so. Yeah. 72. What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? Again, I wouldn’t ever be in a situation where I’d be stranded on an island. But in the spirit of the survey, I’d say a shit ton of cigarettes, a shit ton of Rockstar, and a shit ton of Cheetos. 73. What was your favorite subject in school? Creative Writing, English, Novel Exploration, Art, Ceramics, Concert Band, and Percussion Ensemble. And my scholar world civics class senior year because the teacher was hot. 74. What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? To normal people this is not unusual in the slightest but it was way out on a limb for me and I’ll never eat it or anything like it again. But sushi. I absolutely hate any kind of fish or seafood but I was pressured into trying it. 75. Do you collect anything? Pandas, huskies (stuffed), and blankets.

76. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? I don’t really care about fashion. I wear leggings, t-shirts, and flannels pretty much all the time. 77. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert. I haven’t even left my house in two weeks. Like literally have not opened the door and walked outside once. Not seeing or talking to people is great. 78. Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? Well my sight is going because now I can’t see for shit at night. My hearing is crap because I’ve been listening to music way too loudly for almost 30 years. I’m killing my tastebuds with the smokes. And my sinuses are always fucked so I can hardly smell anything. So yeah. Touch. 79. Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) No and I never want to. I went to a surprise party about a month ago for my friend’s 30th birthday but I didn’t yell “surprise” when everyone else did because I always feel embarrassed for the person getting surprised and I don’t want to contribute to it. 80. Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? Not as far as I know. 81. What do you do to keep fit? Ha. I don’t. But I have lost like 7 pounds because I can’t afford food. 82. Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? My family is barely even a family, let alone the kind to have a motto. 83. If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? I have no drive and no leadership qualities. I wouldn’t want to rule a country. 84. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? All my English teachers. I actually learned shit and I graduated ten years ago but am still friends with them. 85. What three things do you think of the most each day? Food (because I have none), cigarettes (I need to go get some), and TV because nothing else brings me joy. 86. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Do not disturb. 87. What song would you say best sums you up? Perfect by Alanis Morissette and Weightless by All Time Low. 88. What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee? I wouldn’t be caught dead at Starbucks but I would love to sippy sippy with Grav3yardgirl. 89. Who was your first crush? IRL: this kid in my second grade class, Charlie, who also rode my bus. He’s still hot AF. Celebrity: Luke Perry. He’s still hot AF too and the age difference isn’t that creepy anymore.

90. What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? Well it’s not really interesting but there’s a streetlight outside of my kitchen window that always flickers in the wee hours and it’s annoying as hell. 91. On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 136. I’m fucking hilarious. 92. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Honestly I don’t. 93. What was your first job? Cook at a bowling alley. It’s where I met Dave and I loved the people and the free bowling but my manager was an asshole. 94. If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? Alabama. 95. How many languages do you speak? One. 96. What is your favorite family holiday tradition? Pretty much already answered this. 97. Who is the most intelligent person you know? Probably my friend Ralph. But he’s also a right wing extremist so he’s gonna be his own downfall. 98. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? Cat. 99. What is one thing you will never do again? Try to make the four hour drive home by myself in a blizzard. Lesson learned right there. In my defense, if my GPS had let me take the route I originally picked, I would not have gone through any snow and would’ve been fine. 100. Who knows you the best? Amanda.

#not spn #personal #about me #bring back myspace surveys 2k17

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arushisachdeva31 · 7 years

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She Gave Me Wings

Dear Mom,

This is the first time in 25 years that we’re not together on all important occasions and festivals- our birthday’s, Diwali, holi, kanjak, janamashtami, father’s day, and mother’s day. I don’t think I realized the value of being with you on all these days until now. Being far away has made me realize what I am missing out on now. Hope you had a great day. I’m glad at least one of us was with you today. Thank you Adit for not being useless! I’m kidding :P

Mom, you and dad have made us who we are today. Thank you for showering us with your love, affection, care, patience, kindness, scary eyes, and just about all the emotions I fail to describe in words right now (Yes, I have limited vocabulary). You have taught us how to be independent and face challenges. When we struggle, we don’t think twice before calling you up. Thank you for always being available and helping us deal with everything sitting miles away. Sometimes I crave a hug from you so much. I wish I could just lie down on the extremely comfortable sofa in the family room and keep my head on your lap and just watch TV. Only I know how much I miss all those moments now.

We’ve been bad sometimes. But all kids are bad. We haven’t been awful though! Sometimes maybe. Sorry we lied to you about studying and ran to our rooms when we heard your car back up outside the house. Haha! Thank you for putting up with all those things we’ve done and helping us become better human beings. It’s because of you I’m able to walk out confidently knowing I’m not a bad person. Thank you for helping me become who I am. I have reached this far in my life only because of your support and your belief in me. Thank you for everything mom. You are the reason I’m living my dream today despite paying the price of not having you, dad and ady around physically all the time. Irrespective, just knowing that you’re always there for me and have my back, I sleep (whenever I do, stupid insomnia!) peacefully at night. You have always stood by me, always lent an ear to my arguments and problems, no matter how trivial they might seem and how busy you may be.

Thank you mom for always attempting to keep us happy, safe, and protected. Thank you for looking out for us even when we didn't think we needed it and for letting us fall when we had to learn by making our own mistakes.

I live alone mom. Miles away from you, dad and Ady. I miss you a lot. I tried to do up my house just like you would do it. When you visited me, you have no idea how I felt. Everything seemed perfect. The way you decorated the flowers, fixed the few things I did, cooked so much food and froze it so that when you’re not there, I have food to eat, and just everything else. Thank you for being so wonderful. I don’t think there’s anyone else like you. You’ve taught us so much.

I remember that first letter you wrote to me when I was 17. I will never forget that letter. In such an amazing way you communicated your feelings and made me realize where I went wrong. I remember the impact that letter had on my life and how I transformed. You’re absolutely amazing. I wish I had a knack with words like you do! They work like magic. I just want to thank you and acknowledge all those years you’ve spent nurturing Adit and me with all the love, care and well deserved scoldings. It’s unbelievable how “1, 2, anddd…3” still works on us. I’m 25! And I’m dying to know the consequence if we don’t listen to you! Ughh.

You work like a super human, multitasking all the time! It’s crazy how you manage work, us, and your health, all at the same time. Mom, your health always worries me. I just hope you always remain healthy because I haven’t seen anyone as dedicated as you to actually take such good care of yourself. I hate that you have to go through so much. I don’t know how you manage all the workouts and yoga and gardening, and family, and office and dad and us! But, you always calm my anxieties by saying that this is what makes you feel alive everyday. I remember as a child when you would scold me and I’d be upset especially when my punishment involved counting backwards from 50 in the bathroom without crying. But as I reached adulthood, I realized that all that scolding and nagging was to make a better person out of me. You have always been my best friend and guide, whispering into my ears words of wisdom and encouragement. It is because of you that I have always felt so secure and was always ensured that if ever I was to take a wrong decision in life, you would be there to bring me back. It is your confidence and hopefulness that always gave me the encouragement and confidence to go on in life.

Thank you for making my favourite dishes and watch me eat and relish every bite. It’s true I bake better cakes than you but let’s be honest, I learnt it from you :P

I want you to know that you mean the world to me! I don’t know what I would do without you. Sharing and your honest opinion about everything throughout have taught me so many precious lessons about life. You have made me the person I am today, professionally and personally. Thank you for being my friend, my supporter, counselor, savior, cook, doctor, dreamer, encourager, and the pillar that always stood by me through thick and thin. It wouldn’t surprise me if you sometimes feel under-appreciated and over-worked. But you are the first person I have always called my whole life, to celebrate or to cry.

Mom, just know, Adit and I always have each other. Whatever we have learnt, we have learnt from you. We have seen you go through so much in life. Managing and sustaining relationships is a skill we’ve learnt from you. We have seen you be an amazing daughter, wife, sister, chachi, masi, bua, but most of all, seen you be the best mother. I assure you, Adit and I will always have each other. I promise.

You taught us to be honest, appreciative and loving. Thank you for teaching me to be neat and tidy, and now it’s resulted in OCD :P Haha! Thank you for teaching me to try to see the best in people. You have instilled in me a love for people, travel, flowers, dance, food, and so many other things.

Thank you for the thousands of time you took care of me when I was sick. Till date when I fall sick, I think of the time you would make tave wala toast with adrak tulsi chai. I miss you mom. Thank you for the everyday phone calls and always making sure everything is right. Still, to this day, you spoil me and I am extremely grateful for it.

Thank you for the endless stories, songs, hanuman chalisa, and games when I was young, and the endless conversations and support now that I am older. Thank you for putting up with my fish crawl, my know-it-all teenage years, and my sometimes insane emotional roller coasters currently. Life has been difficult and there have been times when I've felt like giving up, when things were not going my way. Each time, you were there to remind me of my worth as a human being. Just trust me, everything is fine, because of YOU. You have always been there. I know I can pick up the phone and call you, even if I have to call your phone, papa, the landline or on the magic jack. You have waited and been worried and had endless concerns. Yet, you put up with everything! Thank you for the limitless hugs, kisses, and for the support I receive from you every single day. I know you tell me I’m adopted but I know I am TRULY YOURS. As I get older, I realize more and more how much you have done for me and continue to do every day. Although I am growing into my own person, I will always need you.

I have always said that I want to raise my children exactly the way I was raised. But then again I don’t think they’ll be as cute and awesome as me :P Your children have turned out pretty great last time I checked. I pray that I can be the example that you have been to us. I love you maa, thank you for sacrificing so much for me. Our walks (rare :P), tears, grocery store trips, and chai/wine sessions are never taken for granted and are some of my favorite memories.

You’re a role model mom. I cannot thank you and dad enough for being who you have been to us. For giving us everything and teaching us so many things in life. Many mothers and daughters do not have the kind of relationship we share, and I always feel really lucky.

Most people tell me I’m so much you. I feel so good when I hear that. I’ve always aspired to be just like you and each time someone says, “Arushi, you’re so much like your mother”, I feel wonderful! I love that we can talk about anything and have crazy laughs. Mom, I will protect you as you protect me. I will have your back like you’ve had mine, and I will always be your not-so-small-me!

You are amazing. You’re smart, beautiful, wise and so talented. It's nice to know that I have the potential somewhere in my genes to probably one day be as awesome as you. You’re my expert-in-everything, and my very best friend.

Through all these years and many more to come, you have taught me how to be me. Although, even today, when I see “11:11”, I always make a wish that I could stay under your wings a little longer! Mom, I love you, and no words are enough to explain my love for you.

I miss your early morning angry look when Adit and I don’t wake up early and you just walk into our room, give us “that” look and leave. Haha! I Love You. I miss that you would take out the lizards from my room. I miss eating kadi chawal and tori and baked potatoes, and all the things you’ve ever cooked! I even miss the times you forcefully made me watch Aahat :/ I miss you mom. You’re too far away and I’m crying now. I love you – it doesn’t get said often.

Love,

Arushi

P.S. Stop crying!! Call me now. <3

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