#and my anxiety probably affected my skills

[msvorderofoperations]

New dream diary.

This one was kind of odd in its tone. At times deathly serious, and others incredibly superficial. I dreamed that I was in a far future kind of setting where this game had kind of taken over the world at large for good and for ill. It existed in many forms: a miniature based war game, a trading card game, and mixed reality massively multiplayer online video game. I say mixed reality, not just as something that incorporates real world objects into itself, but as something that directly affects reality as well. It also conferred great powers on high level players. But I will get back to this in a bit.

Another aspect of this dream was that I was in a polyamorous relationship in a sort of hub and spoke system. Myself and a few other people were romantically involved with this one woman, but weren't really involved with each other. And for whatever reason, the polycule all lived together, except for the woman we were all romantically tied to. Some of them I got along with great, and we were good friends, but this one guy I did not much like at all and we pointedly tried to spend as little time around each other as possible. This is borne out at one point by this guy talking up how much time they are going to spend together the next time she visits, and I take him at his word. But when she arrives, she specifically wants to be with me.

This is awkward for a number of reasons, not all of them interpersonal. I had been prepping for a day to myself, playing a single player version of the card game which was offline but could still record progress and would update my associated stats upon the next time I logged in. I also had not fully bathed, and this is where the dream took a very tonally strange tangent. Instead of bathing at home like would be the sane thing to do, I instead find out about a fully automated robotic bathhouse in India, and opt to use it instead. Doing so involves me fully teleporting myself to the complete other side of the world, which I do as a lark. But in doing so, I forget to bring my shampoo, so my hair is still a greasy mess. And again, instead of just doing it at home, I feel the need to make the trip once more.

Unsurprisingly, one of the things our shared romantic interest wanted to do together was have sex. But in thinking I was not going to be partaking today, I gratified myself shortly before she arrived. Which the dude who lied about her being with him today (sorry that I don't have names here, my dream did not provide any so I have to describe everyone in terms of my relationship to them) makes fun of me for doing. Which, in addition to being shitty by itself, he implies that by doing so I am unworthy to be in a relationship with her because of it. For her part, she does not seem to pay this any mind. She is actually quite interested in the details, because she finds the idea of me touching myself to the idea of her very hot. From here the narrative starts to pull away, as for whatever reason my dreams will often be sexually charged but they almost never actually feature any explicit sexual content.

The narrative then takes on a more limited-omniscient perspective, showcasing the shared goings-on of the other members of the polycule as I am away with our shared love. Specifically, it starts with one of the people I am friends with investigating a recent, and hugely influential moment that happened in the MMO part of this game. It was a group activity that involved trying to stop the latest attack from the antagonist faction, which went about as bad as it could have. All of us had different roles and skill sets, which we had tried to apply as best we could to minimize the impact of this event. I will spare the unimportant details, but the long and short of it is the my role was the intelligence gatherer, and I found out what the object of this enemy incursion was. Despite being about a large scale attack across many parts of the in-game space, the main objective for them was a bomb, planted in a playground at a school. I tried to warn people of this, saying "Its a bomb, in the mirror in the playground." But for whatever reason my messages were becoming garbled and what people heard was "In the mirror underground" and no one could make sense of it, so they took it as being spam.

While the thing with the bomb was happening, the guy who was determined to undermine me was dealing with his own problems. He had proper heard my warning and had been trying to make his way to the school to either disarm it or evacuate. Unfortunately, he had run afoul of the bunch of extremely dangerous high-level enemy monsters. They were the weird giant worm-like things that could move shockingly fast, and had minor reality warping powers. Specifically, they had the ability to redirect kinetic weapons fire elsewhere, which was a big problem because that was the main way this dude engaged in combat. The last time he had fought these things, they redirected his bullets into another member of the polycule, and killed them. Vowing to not let that happen again, he instead tries to escape, but it proves very difficult as he has become surrounded. The one merciful thing about these worm enemies is that while they have incredible hearing and absurd reaction speed, they are completely blind. So while he can't find his way free or fight out, as long as he stays calm he isn't in much danger himself.

Eventually though, the time to stop the attack passes and the bomb does end up going off. It is discovered in the aftermath that the reason the placement went undetected was because the explosive being used is a new, novel compound that does not read as an explosive. It is functionally an inert mud in basically all circumstances, but once the catalyst is introduce it becomes a hyper-powerful energetic explosive. To the point that all it took to blow up this whole school was something about the size of a tennis ball. And the very weird thing is, the catalyst is blood. Any kind will work.

Also in the ongoing investigation, there is a secondary site where no lives were lost but has fairly significant structural damage. In winding back the game state to see how bad it actually is, he sees that a player was present at the time of the event. It turns out to be the guy who was trapped by the worms. It seems in his frustration at having not been able to stop the explosion, in the ensuing chaos after he went on a destructive rampage in a place where there were no people present and then used the editing powers granted to high-level players to make it look like it was done by the opposing faction.

When my time alone with my paramour comes to an end, my friend quietly confronts me with the information that the other guys was responsible for the secondary destruction. We are keeping it on the down low not because we place any blame on him, but because we see that this event has enormously effected him and that we want to try and help him work through what he's going through. So we opt to try and organize a group activity for the whole polycule.

While that is happening, the subject of all our affection tries to make good with the dude who is clearly Going Through It and low-key making it everyone's problem. She tries assisting him with other aspects of the game like the TCG and the miniature, but at every juncture, he brushes her off and intimates that he is better off alone. Which obviously is very upsetting to her.

In the meantime however, we have finished our planning for the group excursion. We opt for something simple in just taking a walking tour of an area downtown and sampling the food and drink available at the best places there. As we are are out and about, an incident occurs. In a shared roadway, a dude in a pickup truck doesn't stop for us, and I end up doing pretty intense damage to it to stop it before it hits anyone. In trying to fix up his truck in the aftermath, I end up kind of ham-fistedly apply the high-level editing powers that I have only recently been given access to. I try to restore the surface of the hood of the truck back to what it was, but end up incorporating the surface of the road and the dirt beneath into it's appearance. While my friend shows me more direct ways of utilizing the powers to more useful ends, the troubled guy goes to check on the driver.

It's at this point that this take a turn for the worse. The driver is fully unconscious, which is odd because the truck had been moving very slowly at the time of the accident. In checking his face against records, it turns out that this guys is a known collaborator with the enemy faction and is wanted by the authorities. As this is happening we have opened the hood to see if there was any damage to the engine that we can repair. And we find...nothing. No engine, no battery, nothing that would allow this car to move under it's own power. Just ruptured containers and what looks for all the world like clay soil. We quickly realize that this car was being used to smuggle whatever this substance is, and by hiding it in the engine bay and impelling it through unseen means, cursory searches wouldn't find it. Some kid grabs a chunk of it, and before anyone can stop him, all hell breaks loose.

In handling it and tossing it to himself, it hits a mosquito and it becomes abundantly clear what this stuff is. it explodes with a incredible report, and the whole scene erupts in incredible carnage. Because of how crowded this place had been, the viscera keeps reigniting it, all while the shock of the explosions push the remaining amounts of the stuff all over the place. It has a terrible cascading effect where is seems that there is no safe place to be. Even those off street level in the buildings above are succumbing to secondary and tertiary explosions. I am able to survive the initial blast and try to corral people to stem the tide of violence, but nothing seems to be working. While all this mayhem is going on, I see my love trying to save someone who has broken off from the group. And I see in excruciating detail as a rogue piece of debris catches her in the head and immediately and soundlessly kills her.

At this point I wake up.

#subconscious conversation #long post #I really wish I had an idea why so many of my dreams take on this long-form narrative affect #it would probably be easier to parse as to what my brain was trying to recontextualize if stuff was in smaller more manageable chunks #Like I can get a lot of what my brain is relating to in most circumstances #but in trying to get the correct context I have to also extract a bunch of other ancillary shit or I might miss losing something important #But I can definitely see some aspects of my real life in this #The feeling of powerlessness in trying to fix problems #The inherent complications of trying to maintain an ethical polyamorous relationship #The misapplication of strength or skills that can serve to make problems far worse #and the inherent anxiety that comes with that #This dream was A LOT #not just in terms of violent content #but just in calling out a lot of stuff I've been not so quietly worrying about for a long while #and as is frequently the case recognizing all this shit does precisely fuck all in actually providing solutions

[p2iimon]

how do ppl who fail to be in relationships despite wanting to be. like. deal. this is going to kill me

#begging pleading my dad to let me take my meds so that i can go ask this dude out #i want physical affection so bad but i dont know how to ask for it from my freinds #nor do i want to set the precedent that it is okay to touch me LMAO #and even aside from anxiety i dont think i have. the social skills. for dating #and ofc im trans. so whoever is interested in me needs to probably be into women. bc i look like this #and should definitely be into men. bc i am one and ideally. i will look the part one day #which limits my options way further down #simons spouting

[autisticlassiedog]

I love how God granted me a break from debilitating anxiety today :)

Lately it's been bad. And today, New Year's Eve, would have been one of the worst days of the year to be dealing with extreme anxiety. God knows what He's doing y'all :D

#christianity #collie speaks #also it really does go to show how my anxiety is almost entirely physical #it's not a confidence issue #at least not in relation to having the job I do #I can do my job and when I'm not literally freaking ill I'm a fricken badass #I can handle multiple things thrown at me at once. #I can priortize important tasks even when people are calling for me in multiple directions #I am good with customers #I'm confident in these abilities #this is probably why I'm still able to keep working even during panic attacks #people can tell I don't feel good during those #but I am still able to function on enough of a level to get the job done #I mean #YOU try having amazing customer service skills during a panic attack #but I still manage even if the quality of my work perfomance is deinitely affected #but anyways #yeah #I'm a freakin badass and you can't tell me otherwise #it takes a lot to work during debilitating levels of anxiety #and 99 times out of 100 I manage #but I am so happy and thankful for the break God gave me today #I needed a reminder that without a freakin anxiety disorder I am even better at my job

[inbarfink]

The ‘Escapades‘ in TGAA1 are already such a top-tier idea. I mean, I really wish we could’ve had those in any of the other games somehow.... Overall they’re an incredibly delightful addition to the game, and taking them individually, the least good ones are still like ‘well, that was a fun little vignette for these characters, I’m just not sure if it 100% gels with the main events of the game’.

And I think my favorite one right now has to be the first one, ‘In the Defendant Antechamber’. It just does… so much great stuff to the Asoryuu dynamic, recontextualizes everything that comes after in a way that makes it even better and just feels like such an Essential Viewing for really understanding these two. 

It’s just… you can go through the entire game with Ryunosuke constantly calling Kazuma his ‘best friend’, the ‘person I trusts more than anyone else’ and you might just casually assume that these two go a long way back. Maybe not as much as Kazuma and Susato since Ryunosuke doesn’t have all the details about his childhood, but seeing how much they mean for each other, they must’ve known each other for a while, right?

NOPE

THEY MET IN COLLEGE

ABOUT A YEAR AGO

They’ve known each other for a year, just a pretty ordinary year of school, and they’re already got that Unbreakable Homoerotic Bond of Trust, and Ryunosuke is fully willing to lay down his life for the sake of Kazuma’s dream of going to London. And Kazuma is fully willing to abandon his literal Life Mission of clearing his dead father’s name and avenging him in the shame of failing to defend Ryunosuke. And he drags Ryunosuke with him to London because he knows that he’s the only one who can keep him from straying from his path. And then Ryunosuke decides to dedicate his entire life in the memory of Kazuma. His college buddy. 

But they’re not just college buddies. Because in that one year, they did forge such powerful emotional bonds that all of these actions make sense for them. Because they’re just that kind of Ridiculous Human Beings and I LOVE IT!!

And the story of how they met is just… perfection. Like, if you look at the pre-‘death’ Asoryuu dynamic, it’s very ‘Japan’s most amazing promising young lawyer-samurai is absolutely enamored with an Anxiety-Ridden Human Disaster’. Kazuma Asogi is the Proudest Moronsexual and Ryunosuke Naruhodo is dating way beyond his league.

But also….the thing that drew Kazuma to Ryunosuke in the first place is the fact that he bested him at something. Kazuma is this rising star at Yumei University, he’s got the brains and the brawn, it seems like he is poised for success and glory for the rest of his days - and then this anxious innocuous little goofball beats him… humiliates him even. Ryunosuke beat the star student of Yumei University without any ambition or ill-intention, he was just being himself, he is just this silly little linguistic dork who likes tongue-twisters. 

And Kazuma feels no real resentment or spite about this defeat. He was beaten at his own game by such a silly little guy and all he feels is respect and affection and appreciation. A desire for friendship. Maybe even love. 

And meanwhile, Ryunosuke has just kinda forgotten that this is how they met. I mean, it's not like he totally forgotten it, but... it doesn't seem to register as particularly Notable in his own memories. It's just not that important to him. That was probably a life-changing unforgettable event for Kazuma, but when Ryunosuke thinks about their friendship he just thinks about hanging out after class and eating Yakisoba together. Because that’s just the kinda guy Ryunosuke is, and I think Kazuma appreciates that just as much as his tongue-twister skills.

Also, it kinda connects to an idea I brought up in a previous post, that Kazuma Asogi is less of a direct counterpart to Miles Edgeworth and more of a… mirror image, an inversion.

Phoenix and Miles’ friendship started with Miles saving Phoenix…

A moment which was a world-changing story for Phoenix that literally defined his entire life, but Miles, although he always kept his memories of Phoenix close to his heart, can barely remember it. 

Ryunosuke and Kazuma’s friendship started with Ryunosuke beating Kazuma. A moment that is… certainly not the most important thing in Kazuma’s life, but one that has certainly made his mark on him, and one that he is not going to forget. But Ryunosuke just... doesn't really think about it unless it's directly brought up.

And it’s just… such a good piece of characterization for both of them on every thematic level, I just love it so much!!

#the great ace attorney #ryunosuke naruhodo #kazuma asogi #asoryuu #great ace attorney #tgaa #tgaac #ryuunosuke naruhodou #dai gyakuten saiban #dai gyatuken saiban #dgs #tgaa chronicles #gaac #naruhodou ryuunosuke #asogi kazuma #kazuma asougi #ace attorney #aa #pwaa #phoenix wright #pheonix wright #phoenix wright ace attorney #gyakuten saiban #aa posting #ace attorney posting #aa meta #ace attorney meta

[donquixotehomura]

Donquixote Doflamingo x Reader Relaxation

Master List

Pre-established relationship, fluff, Doffy being soft, reader is gender ambiguous, reader taking care of Doffy, reader is very ambiguous actually, I HC then as the same age and having been together since their twenties but this fic doesn't have anything alluding to any of that so you can think about it however you want.

In the heart of Dressrosa, the facade of joy and freedom shown to the Kingdom concealed the intricate planning and power orchestrated by Donquixote Doflamingo, amidst the schemes and planning, you stood by his side, not just as a normal family member but as a partner, as someone who understood the complexities of his heart.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, the two of you retreated to the privacy of your shared quarters. The air shifted, shedding the weight of the day's responsibilities. Doflamingo's stern demeanor softened, revealing a vulnerability reserved for you alone, the room became a haven, a sanctuary where the masks of the ruthless pirate and cunning ruler could be set aside.

You approached him, your hands skilled from countless nights of relieving his tension. The soft glow of candles illuminated the room as you worked your magic, massaging away the stresses that clung to his shoulders.

Doflamingo, normally stoic and unyielding, melted into the touch, his guard lowering with each knead of your fingers.

"You know," he murmured, his voice a low rumble, "you have a way of making me forget the chaos out there."

You smiled, understanding the weight of his words. The massages weren't just physical relief, they were a ritual of intimacy, a language spoken in the silent moments. As your hands continued their dance, the room echoed with a quiet symphony of shared affection.

When the massages concluded, you both settled into a comforting embrace. The boundaries between family/partners and lovers blurred in the soft glow of the candles. The armor of power and influence that surrounded Doflamingo crumbled, revealing the man who found solace in your arms.

Cuddling close, the world outside vanished, leaving only the two of you in a cocoon of shared warmth. As the night unfolded, your whispered conversations and tender touches became a testament to the love that transcended the intricacies of power and ambition.

In the stillness of the night, Doflamingo, once the puppet master of a grand design, found his sanctuary in the simplicity of your love. The silent retreat to your shared bedroom became a ritual of healing, a reminder that even in the tumultuous seas of the Pirate world and great ambition, there existed an anchor—each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He looks adorable in this gif (it isn't mine and I'm not sure where I got it from, probably from another Doffy fic here)

Tell me what you think, I know this is short but it's a beginning ig, I can't figure out a style for myself yet but I'll get there, apologies if this sucked haha

This is my beginning on the road of fanfics, I always get a ton of ideas and never write them cause I don't really know how to word them well and my anxiety is through the roof 🥲, anyways here we go I hope this is good, I'll try to keep my fangirl heart at bay but I can't with this horrible lovely adorable man (is this my daddy issues? Maybe)

Do I sound too philosophical? Should I go for more causal? Idk my brain is either this or can't even form a sentence (it's either ADHD thing or I'm just stupid haha)

#donquixote doflamingo #doflamingo #donquixote doflamingo x reader #donquixote family #Donquixote doflamingo fluff #doflamingo fluff #one piece #one piece x reader #one piece fluff

[borderlinereminders]

Radical Acceptance is basically about accepting our feelings, without pushing them down, even the negative ones.

It means accepting reality and feelings for what they are, though it doesn't mean you don't want to change them.

Here's an example (This is a "small" situation because I think this is best started with a more manageable circumstance first.):

Step 1 - Think of a situation that you have feelings about. (Note that I don't recommend trying this with traumatic events to start which is why I've used the example below.)

Example: Yesterday I embarrassed myself in front of the cashier at the store when she said "Here's your receipt" and I said "thanks, you too!" This has heightened my anxiety about future situations where I need to talk to a stranger.

Step 2 - What caused the event? Stick to facts and don't make judgements about something you've done.

Example: I was distracted by feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood what she was saying.

Step 3 - Accepting the feelings. What emotions do you feel when you think back on this event? Try and be open about this and note any physical changes you might feel like your heart beat increasing.

Example: I feel embarrassed when I think back on it and it makes my hands a little sweaty.

Step 4 - The plan. This is where you come up with a plan on how to handle the situation and/or its effects. If you are not significantly affected by the situation, the acceptance steps may be enough. The DBT skill "Wise Mind" might be a good skill to use when coming up with a plan

Example: I can use rational thoughts to help me navigate this. Realistically, she probably talks to dozens of people a day. She also unfortunately probably deals with a lot of rude people that are more likely to stay on her mind rather than my little mix up with words. If anything, maybe it was refreshing for her because I was polite and chipper with her and maybe she felt the positive effects of that mood I was trying to convey.

Here are some coping thoughts that may help:

I do not have control of the past, only this current moment.

Ignoring my emotions only allows them to fester and continue to bother me.

This is uncomfortable, but I am going to get through this.

#radical acceptance #dbt

[m2ok]

As Icarus loved the sun

König X M!reader

A/N: part two of Of Icarus in love :) enjoy the fluff y’all 🫶 PS: my bad if the pacing is weird, I kinda rushed the end because I was excited to get this posted.

One

You had avoided Ghost since you’d figured out what he and Johnny had. You couldn’t say it was easy, it most certainly wasn’t. It was hard to even ignore him considering you were on the same team, and it was hard to find a spot you could hangout with the others where he wasn’t.

You didn’t know if he noticed your absence, and you were trying not to care if he did. So what if you didn’t hangout with them as much anymore? It wasn’t really any of their business, you had your own secrets just as they had theirs.

To cope with the heartache and the guilt of disregarding most of your team, you threw yourself head first into work. While you waited for orders for a new mission you worked on whatever paper work you had, you worked on uncovering leads, you worked on tracking down targets, hell you even worked on getting the little offices more paper. Anything to get your mind off of your current social predicament.

You knew it couldn’t last long, but you wished you could’ve hidden out for two more days at least. Now you were sat around a little meeting room as Price ran through your current mission. You were zoned out, at least for most of it. You caught the important bits like what you were to be doing, and who you needed to capture. All of that was locked away in the sanctity on your mind, but everything else was gone with the wind. You were focusing too hard on not breaking down in front of your comrades, god you’d never let yourself live that down.

You only caught the last part, and even then it was just half of whatever Price had been saying

“-And you’ll be working with a new addition to the team this time” he said as he passed a file around

“He’ll be with us for a few missions, nothing long term. Just need his skills for a bit and then we’ll send him right on back” he assured, knowing most of the boys didn’t take too well to a new member of the team.

You remember it took months to even be friends with them, except Gaz. He was easy to befriend and you probably considered him your best friend as of late. That made you feel even worse, knowing he kept sending worried glances your way. You should talk to him, maybe later.

You looked at the file once it got passed down to you, flipping through the various papers. Insertion specialist, wanted to be a sniper, you looked at all the basics.

You stopped when you got to the personal information. 6’9, god damn he was a tall guy. You were used to tall men, being on the 141 team and all, but this guy would tower over you. Over all of you.

You closed the file and passed it on, your thoughts slowly shifting towards König. You wondered what he was like, how his social anxiety affected his performance on the battlefield. You assumed not much considering he was steadily rising in the ranks.

You were informed at the end of the meeting that König should be landing any minute, and that he would be unpacking in his room should anyone want to go say hello. You glanced around at the table, most of the boys seemed uninterested at the prospect and so you decided that you would be the new guys welcoming committee.

You knew how it felt to join a new team, and you wanted König to know that he had someone in his corner should he need it. You remembered how lonely the first couple of weeks were, and even if he wasn’t here permanently you still wanted him to be comfortable.

It was maybe an hour later when you heard a helicopter land and the mumbled introductions of a Captain and his new teammate. It was maybe forty five minutes later when you decided to go say hi, figuring that the man had been alone for long enough.

You knocked on the open door, letting him know you were there. The man jumped like you’d spooked him, something you couldn’t help but find funny considering the inches he had on you, before turning around. Masks weren’t anything new to you, so you paid almost no mind to it before you spoke

“Hey” you gave him a soft smile, his wide eyed staring at you as he held a shirt in his hands.

“I just came to welcome you. I doubt the other boys came to say their hellos so…here I am” you chuckled nervously as you rubbed the back of your neck.

“I’m Y/N by the way. Konig , right?” You questioned to which you saw his eyes crinkle slightly, almost like he was smiling.

“König, actually, but you were close” he hummed before he set the shirt down in its proper drawer.

“Right- König. Don’t worry I’ll remember that, I’m a fast learner” you grinned, you liked the new guy already. He seemed nice, agreeable. Perhaps soon you’d be able to add a new friend to your little list.

“Well, I’ll let you get back to it.” You said as you turned to leave, stopping once you were halfway out the door to face him again.

“The rest of the team isn’t that easy to talk too, nice guys, but closed off. So, if you ever need someone to talk to I’m right down the hall. Last door on your left can’t miss it” you gave the door frame two taps before heading out.

You heard a faint little “thank you” as you left, a small smile gracing your lips as you headed back to your own bunker.

You found it easy to talk to König after that. You’d save him a seat in the cafeteria, he’d sit with you. Most nights spent in the common room were now spent somewhere quieter, where you could talk to each other without the others around. And you worked well together on missions, honestly well was an understatement. You guys were basically a dream team.

You didn’t know what it was, but you and König just clicked. It was like you’d known each other for years despite it only being a couple of weeks at most. He understood the complicated emotions no one else seemed to, he could tell from just a glance at your face how you were feeling, you two were thick as thieves.

This new found friendship also helped to take your mind off a certain Britt and Scotsman, you hadn’t thought about them nearly as much as you used to. Sure, you had the occasional late night heartache where you relived the moment all over again, but you weren’t consumed with the thoughts. You felt free again. For the most part at least.

It was one of those nights where you couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was the post-mission adrenaline running around in your body, maybe you’d had one too many cups of coffee, you weren’t sure, but for whatever reason your mind just wouldn’t stop racing. It went all over, but it kept coming back to that day. You had been pining after Simon for years, and within a matter of seconds any hope you had of a relationship with the man was thrown down the drain. You didn’t blame either of them, it wasn’t their fault, but god did it sting.

You were tired of feeling this way, of feeling your heart tighten in your chest every other minute because your brain just wouldn’t leave you alone. Without much thinking you rose from your bed and quietly made your way out of your room and down the hall.

Before you could stop yourself you were knocking on Königs door. You only got two in before it was swinging open. It never took long for him to answer, you were really the only person that knocked so he always knew who it was.

“Hi…” you said quietly as you looked up at him. His mask was haphazardly thrown over his head as he looked down at you.

“I know it’s late, but I can’t sleep. Do you….think I could hangout here for a bit?” You asked. He only responded with a nod, clearly still sleepy as he let you in.

You felt slightly guilty for waking him, but that was soon gone as the familiarity of his room soothed your nerves. You sat down on his bed, the spot next to you dipping under his weight as he laid back down.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked quietly, reaching over to gently put his hand on top of yours. You guys had a thing for these little touches, shoulder pats here and there, his hand going to just graze yours when the room would get a little too frenzied with people. It was this silent understanding that you were that for each other, that you knew what the other needed.

With a deep sigh to flopped back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“You ever liked someone so much that it physically hurt?” You questioned, your gaze fixed on the ceiling.

He looked over at you, staring at your face for a few seconds. With a little forced smile, he nodded his head

“Yeah. I do-I have” he replied.

“I don’t know…” you mumbled “it’s not even that I like him anymore, it’s just that I spent so long thinking about him that I don’t know what to do with myself now. I guess..I guess I felt like he was my only option ya know?” You said with a dry little laugh.

“Hm. What’s that English saying? Theres plenty of fish in the sea, yeah? You’ll find someone” he reached down to hold your hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“But I don’t interact with really anybody outside the team, and I doubt I’ll meet some civie anytime soon. It feels like it’s a lost cause, besides who would want to be with someone who’s constantly away anyways? I mean-”

“Me” he cut you off.

It was like he replied without thinking, he said it so fast you weren’t even sure if you heard it. You could tell by his own reaction that he’d just blurted it out, too. You could see how his cheeks were flushed from the little bit of skin under his eyes. He was frozen in place, his hand letting go of yours as you stared at each other.

You certainly hadn’t expected his confession, and it made you realize a whole bunch of new feelings really quickly. You hadn’t taken much time to consider your relationship with König, you were too wrapped up in how blissful is was. You should’ve seen it earlier, it was probably clear as day to everyone else with the way you two clung to each other.

“Me?” You questioned as you pointed to yourself, almost like you didn’t believe him.

He gave you a slow nod “you” he replied as he sat up, gently pulling you up with him.

“I’m..sorry if I came on too quickly. It’s just we were talking and I couldn’t help myself- I was planning on telling you at some point, but I didn’t know how and I didn’t want to make our friendship weird. Plus I’ll be going back soon, so I don’t-“

Now it was your turn to cut him off. He was rambling, about to spiral himself into a panic and you were sure your words alone weren’t going to be able to break through.

So you kissed him. It was soft, your lips just barely touching his as the mask was lifted just above his mouth. You slowly pulled away to be met with wide eyes, his hand coming up to touch his lips.

Within seconds he was pulling you in for another, but this time it was a real kiss. It was still soft and gentle, but he was pouring all of his love into it. He carefully maneuvered you around so you were sitting in between his spread legs, your own resting on top of his thighs while he kept his hands on your waist.

When you pulled away again you both had goofy little smiles on your faces, like teenagers after kissing their crush for the first time.

“I..didn’t really think about it before, but I feel the same way. About you- I mean. I like you. We get along well…plus your kissing isn’t that bad” you teased.

“Good-good yes that’s good. Yours is good too- I liked it. I like kissing you” he was stumbling over his words, his nerves getting the better of him as his grip on your waist tightened ever so slightly.

“Yeah?” You chuckled, cupping his face as you leaned in to kiss him again “you’ll be getting a lot more of it now” you mumbled against his lips before pushing him to lay down on the bed.

You moved next to him, moving yourself so his head was resting on your chest with his arms still hugging your waist. You tangled your legs together, holding the man close to you as you pressed a little kiss to his covered forehead.

You supposed Ghost being unavailable wasnt all bad, perhaps a blessing in disguise really, because now you had your König. Your König who knew all of your little quirks, your König who kept you going through those sleepless nights. Your König who loved you back. Your king.

As always, requests are open

#cod modern warfare #cod x reader #cod fanfic #cod imagine #cod x male reader #male reader #könig x reader #könig #könig call of duty #könig x y/n #könig x you #könig x male reader #fanfic

[grapesodatozier]

okay but nancy’s reaction to robin at the library front desk makes so much sense for her character. karen is affectionate with her, and tries her best, but we saw in season 1 that she really struggled to communicate with nancy and only really got to openly communicating with her about her feelings by season 3. and karen and ted clearly haven’t been a very good example of communicating how you’re actually feeling and what you’re actually thinking. so nancy is really not good at communicating (we see this with mike too). nancy didn’t really open up about her feelings about all of the events of season 1 until she got blackout drunk a year later. and we can tell she’s still not super accustomed to heart-to-hearts in season 3 when she says “I don’t need a jonathan byers pep talk right now, I need to be on time,” which shows how much more used to having emotional conversations jonathan is, bc he’s always having them with joyce and will, whereas nancy rarely talks about her feelings with karen and pretty much never with mike.

so imagine being that unfamiliar with open emotional communication, being so used to passive aggression and keeping personal stuff to yourself, and then within the first ten minutes of meeting robin she just starts being like “hi I feel like you’re annoyed here are my insecurities and anxieties and where they come from and how my mother reinforces them” like nancy probably feels like she got hit by a bus in that moment, like she’s SO out of her depth. and it’s played for laughs but it’s kinda sad that robins like “here is plain open communication immediately” and nancy’s just like “what the fuck is that what is happening” like she is so bewildered by someone being clear and open so quickly bc she’s so personally closed off. and it is v painful a a viewer to watch her be rude to robin when robins trying her best to understand what’s happening, but even though it’s not the kind response I think its the in character response and it makes sense that nancy’s immediate response is a little passive aggressive bc there’s a lot of passive aggression in her house.

and like lbr robin probably did hurt nancy’s feelings a little by calling her idea a shot in the dark bc nancy’s intelligence is very important to her so she probably feels like robin was calling her dumb which probably hurt her and her response is to be a little bitchy bc that’s what she’s learned! (and mike does it too throughout the whole show, which also shows how it’s learned from the environment they both grew up in). so it’s so cool to see that scene bc yes it’s played for laughs but also it’s a really concise look into how nancy and robin each respond differently to their feelings being hurt. when nancy feels insulted she gets snippy and when robin feels like nancy’s being a little rude she’s like “let’s talk about why!” and nancy has no idea what to do with that. anyway I just appreciated that point of consistency in nancy’s character and think it’s really interesting how you can see how each character’s upbringing affects them (especially nancy and mike and how similar their communication skills—or lack thereof—are).

also makes it very sweet to see the slow progress. like nancy still being snippy even as she opens up to robin more: “so maybe I did flinch or wince or something!” but then she does eventually get soft and vulnerable too when she says “does that make us… friends? like, officially?” like she seems so hesitant and nervous to put that out there openly but robins been so open with her that she goes for it! and then when robin takes her hand she looks surprised but then eases into it and is able to be open and comfort her and responds well to robins vulnerability by the end of the season!! UGH their relationship is so important to me. okay sorry this was just supposed to be about nancy not ronance but here we are anyway lol okay have a good day thanks if you read all this lmao

#listen nancy is getting there okay lol #also: #would love to know more about robins upbringing and home life #nancy wheeler #ronance #alcohol cw #alcohol mention #angst cw #st4

[misciaspossessed]

How to Properly Self-Diagnose (Mental Illness)

Find the diagnostic criteria, don't look up symptoms (search eg. adhd diagnostic criteria).

a. Make sure you know what illness you mean before searching (eg. you may search for the bpd (borderline personality disorder) criteria when you meant bd (bipolar disorder), do some research of what they are first in case you have it wrong, I recommend Verywell's List Of Psychological Disorders to go over several examples at once with links to extended descriptions (not an exhaustive list, for others, use Mayo Clinic or simply look at the criteria of specific disorders)).

b. Be aware of names like SAD and ASD, both mean (1) seasonal affective disorder and social anxiety disorder, (2) autism spectrum disorder and acute stress disorder. (Tell me if I missed any others)

2. Pay attention to the diagnosis instructions (don't think you need to meet all points, or again, not enough points) (eg. must meet at least 5 of the following 9 symptoms).

3. If you're confused, want to take extra precaution measures, or have questions/I missed something (which I probably did) contact me on Instagram (I won't see my Tumblr messages) (not a professional, just educated myself very much and have good discretion and logic skills (for most)).

a. Though I don't have perfect knowledge either, I have the ability to know and admit that I don't know 100% what I'm talking about if so (which some don't) and can give you instructions on what to do instead or help you go over the data personally instead of trying to translate an article just giving information, I could look at your symptoms specifically and help decode them.

b. If you said f that, I advise against asking a professional or medically diagnosed person, honestly, because it's unbelievable how often doctors don't know what they're talking about, and I wouldn't immediately ask other self diagnosed people either because of how ridiculous it can get (plenty stray far from these instructions), it's best to use good reasoning and know how to research topics, do as much research as possible, use several different sources and try to get the best answer.

4. If you don't know what you have but think you do have something you can message me directly also and I can tell you what your symptoms sound like and anything it could be.

Formatting was kinda weird but it works, hope this helps, don't hesitate to ask further or correct me.

#diagnosis #neurodivergent #self diagnosis #self diagnosis is valid #mental illness #mental health #I'm an expert #✨💅 #take care of yourself #very familiar with many disorders #autism #adhd #ocd #arfid #anxiety disorders #depressive disorders #psychotic disorders #personality disorders #did #osdd #trauma disorders #brain damage #plus others

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 19

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC Smut & Language - Minors DNI New as of 8/31/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "Did we really just fuck in the hallway?"

Dieter and I were a little late getting out of bed that morning. After our post-sleep declarations, we indulged in our physical intimacy for a while longer, which led to a cold breakfast. Not that either of us minded. Given that we still couldn’t keep our hands off each other, it seemed that neither of us were satiated after the morning exploits. I probably could have skipped breakfast all together if it meant spending more time wrapped up in his naked embrace.     

Once we finished with breakfast, we got ready and spent the afternoon at a nearby winery which used the final product from the vineyard to make their wine. I learned more than I ever needed to know about wine making. I also tasted a lot more than I should have. As the visit went on, I found myself more focused on watching the way Dieter’s mouth moved when he spoke than listening to what he was saying. I was pretty buzzed by the time we left and only had one thing on my mind. I just wanted to get back to the house and have my way with him. Based on his darkened eyes and firm touches, he seemed to reciprocate that feeling.         

After we got back to the house, we couldn’t even behave ourselves long enough to make it to the bedroom. I pinned him against the wall in the upstairs hallway, kissing him urgently, while pulling at his belt buckle. The alcohol was clearly affecting my decision-making skills. He didn’t seem to mind as he backed me up against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway, lifting the long skirt I had worn for our outing. He was pleasantly surprised to find I had nothing underneath. I gave him a wry smile as he looked at me with wide eyes. 

“Have you been like this all day?” he asked, somewhat breathlessly. 

“I’m starting to find undergarments to be a hindrance when certain situations arise. The less I have in the way of fucking you the better.” 

He let out a low groan before he started kissing me again. I finally freed him from his briefs as he lifted one of my legs to hook around his waist. He rubbed his tip at my entrance, finding that I was ready for him. He wasted no time sinking into me, continuing with hard thrusts. We buried our faces in each other’s necks, trying to stifle the sounds that escaped. I knotted one of my hands in the front of his shirt, while the other pulled at his hair. He used one arm to brace himself against the wall to support both of us, while his other hand held my leg in place around his waist. The angle of his movements provided the most electrifying friction against my center, eliciting an intense release that radiated out to all parts of my body causing my head to fall back against the wall. I bit my lower lip, trying to hold back the sounds escaping from my mouth. He spilled into me moments later as he let out a strangled moan into my neck. 

We sat unmoving for some time, both of us panting heavily and covered in a light sheen of sweat. He dropped my leg and moved to kiss me. His hand grabbed at my hip tightly as our tongues danced with one another. He finally pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He let out a small laugh against my lips. 

“Did we really just fuck in the hallway?” I let out a chuckle in response.

“We did, and I would do it again with no reservations.”

He responded by giving me one last kiss before turning to button his pants. We finally made it to our room where we spent several minutes cleaning ourselves up. We were both flushed and had freshly fucked hair. We couldn’t look at each other without breaking into smiles. I was honestly shocked at how my body was responding to him. I had never felt this turned on by someone before. The more I indulged in him, the worse it got. I guessed it was payback for avoiding it for so long. It was coming back to bite me with gusto.  

Once we were both presentable, we headed toward the patio for dinner. Lucia was just finishing setting everything up as we walked out. She spent a few minutes chatting with us about our day. She had a genuine smile on her face the entire time and seemed happy to have Dieter there. He was clearly in a happier mood than he had been upon our arrival, and it was infectious.

Lucia eventually left us alone to eat. We were surprisingly quiet during our meal. Mostly just enjoying being in each other’s company. Afterwards, we walked over to a grassy area that was a short distance away from the house. Dieter was surprised when I laid down on the grass to look at the stars. 

“What are you doing?” he asked with a laugh. 

“Looking at the sky. You don’t get to see it like this in the city.”

He agreed as he laid down beside me. We were silent for a few minutes before I spoke up again.

“Can I ask you some questions? You don’t have to answer if it’s too much.” 

I felt his hand move to search out mine. My hand met with his and entwined our fingers together. He inhaled deeply before agreeing. 

“The woman in the pictures, is that your mom?”

I could hear the smile in his voice, “Yeah, that’s her. I can’t believe that’s one of the first things you went for when you walked into the house. Why did that get your attention?”

I felt a small wave of emotion wash over me as I continued to look at the sky, realizing what it was that drew me in. 

“Her eyes. They had the same look you have sometimes.”

I felt his hand tighten in mine. I didn’t elaborate on what I meant by that, but I think he knew. I wasn’t sure why, but it gave me an uneasy feeling.  

“Did you really bring me white roses the first time you came over because they’re a personal favorite or did it mean something to you?” 

He snorted and laughed as he rolled over onto his side to prop himself up on an elbow to look down at me. He slid his hand across my waist before asking, “What do you think?” 

I could faintly make out a hint of his flirty grin in the moonlight. 

“Sneaky, sneaky. I think Lauren was on to you.” 

“She definitely was. She’s already asked me about it, actually.” 

“And you said?” He laughed.

“She took my non-response as a response and let it go. You know how she is.” 

I laughed, “I do know. It’s impossible to keep anything from her.” 

He continued to smile as he pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. He held it there as he stared out into the darkness. 

“Lucia seems to really care about you. Is she family?” He knitted his brows together before responding. 

“She was my mom’s best friend. I stayed with her after…everything happened. I was with her for a long time because I didn’t want to be here. She didn’t live on the property then. Her and Mateo moved here after my dad passed to help run the place. Mateo had been working with my dad since the beginning, so he knew everything that needed to be done. I’ve never really had it in me to be involved with the day-to-day things.” 

He laid down on his arm facing me. Still holding my hand in his, near his chest. 

“Have you been to your mom’s grave at all?”

He seemed to stare off at nothing as he answered. 

“The only time I’ve been is when we buried my father… and even then…I pretended she wasn’t there. I haven’t been able to do it.”

“If you wanna go before we leave, I’ll go with you.” 

He didn’t answer, his thoughts had briefly led him somewhere else as he continued to stare without blinking.  

I turned on my side to face him, reaching with my other hand to rub at the side of his jaw. His eyes finally met mine.

“Thank you for being here for me,” he said quietly as tears pooled in his eyes. My eyes immediately filled up too. I pulled him toward me for a chaste kiss. I leaned my forehead against his. 

“You don’t have to thank me for that. I would do anything for you. I love you.” 

The tears finally slipped down his cheeks as we both realized it was the first time I had said those exact words aloud to him. He kissed me again as both of us smiled against each other's lips.

We were soon met with the sounds of dishes clinking as Lucia and Jose cleaned up on the patio. We took that as our cue to make our way back to the house. We wished them both goodnight before heading up to bed. 

Early the next morning, I woke to Dieter getting out of bed. He leaned down and kissed me before saying he would be back and to go back to sleep. I had just managed to doze off when the flash of light and a door closing pulled me out of sleep. I sat up, looking around the room. Dieter was gone.

I pulled the sheet around my naked body as I got out of bed. I walked over to the terrace doors and pulled the curtains back far enough to peek out. I could faintly make out Dieter’s form as he walked toward the wooded area, with freshly cut white roses in his hand. A sad smile formed on my face as I realized where he was going. I was proud of him and hoped he got what he needed out of the visit with his mother’s grave. I moved to lay down in the bed and instantly fell back to sleep. 

Sometime later, the room filled with light as Dieter opened the curtains. I felt him sit on the edge of the bed beside me. He gently pushed my hair back to wake me up. My eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze. I reached up to touch his face. His hand met mine as he held it against his cheek.

“You doing ok?” I asked him softly. He bit his bottom lip as he shook his head up and down. He seemed different, lighter maybe. I smiled up at him. 

“You ready to head back home?” he asked as he turned to kiss the palm of my hand. 

“Not particularly, but I guess we need to.” 

I drug myself out of bed and got dressed in some comfortable clothes for the long drive. We quickly packed up, then went out onto the terrace to have breakfast. As soon as we were finished, we started to load up the car. Lucia, Mateo, and Jose came out to see us off. Lucia gave Dieter a somewhat emotional goodbye. As she was hugging me, she asked that I make sure he comes back to see her soon.

Dieter seemed more relaxed and carefree on our drive back home. He happily chatted the entire way and sang along to random songs as he drove. He was clearly feeling much better after the trip. I silently hoped he would stay this way as I watched him from the passenger seat.

When we got closer to civilization, both of our phones began to go crazy as all the missed call alerts and text messages started to come in. His alerts were beyond ridiculous. He ended up turning the sound off as he quietly cursed at it. Most of my messages were work related. I quickly sent a few responses to let them know I would handle things when I got back in the office. They all knew I was unavailable, yet here we were. They were a needy bunch.                       

We spent that evening relaxing after the long drive. The following day was spent unpacking and catching up on everything we had missed. We had to prepare ourselves to enter back into the real world. I needed to go into the office for several meetings the following day and Dieter had several meetings he had to attend in order to prepare for his upcoming travel and filming. Neither of us were looking forward to it. 

When Wednesday finally rolled around, I was struggling to get back into my morning routine. It didn’t help that Dieter was there and decided to join me in the shower, further slowing the process down. 

Late Tuesday night, I had found out that we were getting a surprise visit from one of our important clients, so I was a little flustered and felt unprepared. I probably should have gotten my clothes ready the night before because everything was wrinkled. I finally settled on a black tailored three-piece suit. The pants had a straight leg fit and stopped at my ankles. The matching top was more like a bustier. It was on the sexy side, but I said ‘fuck it’ and went with it anyway. I figured I would be fine if I kept the blazer buttoned up. I added some black heels to complete the look. 

As I was quickly putting my hair up into a loose updo, Dieter came into the bathroom. He was momentarily distracted by the bustier top I had on without the blazer. 

“Damn, can I come to work with you?” he said as he slid his hands around the sliver of bare skin at my waist and kissed up the back of my neck. 

“You’re going to make me late if you keep it up,” I replied as I stuck the final pin in my hair to hold it in place.   

He huffed, “Who needs work anyway?”

I narrowed my eyes on him in the mirror. He laughed as he grabbed his toothbrush and wandered off into the bedroom. I shrugged my blazer on then rushed around to gather up my laptop and everything else I needed for the day. I stood at the kitchen table digging through my bag, feeling like I was forgetting something. Dieter walked over and handed me coffee in a travel mug and the charging cord for my laptop. I laughed before pulling him in for a lingering kiss. We both inhaled deeply as I pulled away. 

“You want me to drop you off at work? I’m heading in that direction. It’ll save you from looking for a parking spot.” 

“You picking me up too?” 

“No, I’m gonna leave your ass there,” he shot back with a sarcastic tone.

I tilted my head to the side and gave him an annoyed look as he started laughing.

“Alright, you ass, let’s go.” I gave him a playful slap on the chest as I turned to grab my bag off the table.    

Dieter got me to the office in record time. He pulled up out front of the building and gave me a quick kiss before I exited the vehicle. He handed me my forgotten coffee mug just as I was about to shut the door. I was a flustered mess as I walked in the front entrance to Kerrie, Aubrey, and Elizabeth staring at me. 

“Do you have a chauffeur now?” Kerrie asked with a smirk. 

“What? No. I was running late and…never mind. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Was that your friend from New York?” Aubrey asked with a smile forming on her face.

“Yes. It was.” My response was clipped as I eyed the three of them. Realizing where this was going. 

“So, what did you do while you were off?” Elizabeth asked a little too nonchalantly. 

“No. I’m not doing this. Don’t we have clients coming soon?” They all three continued to stare at me, with sly grins on their faces. 

“Stop it. I’m not telling you anything.” I gave them a serious look and squared my shoulders. I walked toward my office without another word. I heard the three of them start laughing as Kerrie yelled, “We’ll get it out of you eventually!”  

My morning continued to frustrate me. My neediest employee, Steve, appeared in my office thirty minutes before our clients were scheduled to arrive. He was having one issue after another. The guy was wearing me out. I couldn’t figure if trouble sought him out or if it was from his own making. I got him squared away just as I saw Kerrie leading our clients toward the conference room. I wasn’t sure if I was mentally prepared to deal with them. I knew what they were about to try to do, because it wasn’t the first time they had done this. 

Aubrey and I met just outside my office door. She told me to take the lead on it. She personally knew one of the clients and did not want to be the bad guy if she didn’t have to be. Figures.  

After forty-five minutes of contract negotiation discussions, I was ready to snap. They were not letting it go. I sat unblinking with an emotionless expression on my face as I listened to Mr. Brad Northrup lecture me about our prices. I finally sighed loudly, which got his attention, causing him to stop mid-sentence. 

“Is there a problem, Natalia?” Brad said with an irritated tone. 

Aubrey knew what was coming. I could see her grimace before I opened my mouth. 

“Actually, yes, there is. This is the third time we’ve had this conversation. I let it slide the first two times and gave in because of your friendship with Aubrey, but I’m not doing it again. Clearly, you’re having some financial issues, or else you wouldn’t keep asking for this. We have costs that we have to cover too, which you don’t know the first thing about. So, lecturing me about how much we charge is not going to get the response that you want from me, Brad.”  

The atmosphere in the room shifted. His team was no longer throwing figures and justifications at us. They sat in silence with wide eyes. 

“Look, I’ll give you two options. We can look at cutting costs which would include cutting some of the services that we currently offer to you. You’re not keeping the contract you currently have at a cheaper price. Or we can cancel your contract and you’re more than welcome to find a new firm to work with that meets your price point.” 

I sat back in my seat and tossed my pen on the table. I was done. Brad looked at Aubrey, “You’re really going to let that stand?”

“She's the lead on the account. I support whatever decision she comes to.” 

Brad looked like he was about to blow a gasket as he gathered his things to leave. He said they would talk to their partners and get back to us. I watched his team file out the door, noticing Dieter standing in the reception area with Kerrie. They both had amused expressions on their faces. The door was open, so I’m sure they heard my outburst. 

I walked out to meet him and asked why he was here so early. 

“Well, I was bored so I figured I’d come watch you hand that guy his own ass on a platter,” he said with a chuckle. He put one hand on my hip and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. His actions immediately got the attention of everyone in the office. 

“Oh, you heard that, huh?” I said through a laugh. 

“I did, and you know I loved every minute of it.” 

He gave me a flirty look and I returned it with a smirk before biting my bottom lip. I was well aware of how much he liked it when I “laid the law down”. I was also suddenly very aware of all the eyes on us. My coworkers were so fucking nosey. 

I cleared my throat, “Seriously, what’s up. Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I realized you didn’t bring lunch with you this morning and you don’t have your car. So, I brought you food.” 

He held up the small bag in his other hand that I hadn't noticed.

“Oh, I hadn’t even thought about lunch. Thank you.” 

I suddenly felt very self-conscious. 

“Let’s go eat in my office. Alone.” I emphasized the last word as I looked around so that the onlookers could hear it. They all diverted their eyes and pretended they weren’t listening. 

I closed the door behind us while he went to sit at the small table at the far end of my office. We spent a few minutes talking about our day. He seemed to be in good spirits and excited about filming, which was surprising. After a few minutes of silence, he changed the subject. 

“Do we have any plans tonight?”

“Not that I’m aware of, why?”

“Well, a good portion of the missed calls and messages that I had were from Anna. I forgot, today is her birthday. Everyone’s getting together at some fancy restaurant to celebrate. She wants us to come.” 

“Oh. What time?”

“Pretty much right after you get off work.” 

“If you want to go, I’ll go.” 

“You’re sure? I know you’ve had a long day.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Honestly, I wasn’t excited about it at all. I knew he wanted to try and keep his friendship with her. So, I was going to roll with it and try to have a good time. 

After we finished eating, I gathered our trash and walked over next to my desk to throw it away. When I turned, Dieter was there. I leaned against the edge of my desk as he unbuttoned my blazer. He moved in closer, straddling my legs and running his hands around my waist under my blazer to pull me in for a kiss. His hands were rubbing small circles on the bare skin of my lower back as I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I knotted my hands into the front of his shirt and deepened the kiss. I could feel him getting hard against me. I had just pulled away when Kerrie came through the door. She froze, unsure of how to respond to what she had walked in on. I had a smirk on my face as I raised my eyebrows at her. Neither Dieter nor I had moved from our embrace. I imagined he probably wasn’t in any state to turn around at the moment.

“Umm, your ugh, one o’clock is here.” Kerrie said, struggling to hide the smile she was fighting. 

“I’ll be out in a minute.” 

She nodded as she turned and shut the door behind her. I looked at Dieter, who had an embarrassed smile on his face. 

“I’m gonna hear about that later.” 

“Yep. My fault, sorry.” 

I walked him out to the lobby. He gave Aubrey and Kerrie a tight smile and small wave, with a slightly red face on his way out. They both gave me toothy grins after he was out the door. I responded with the middle finger as I walked around the corner to the waiting area to greet my next set of clients.  

The afternoon passed quickly. I spent part of it dodging questions and insinuations every time I was around Kerrie or Aubrey. They were relentless, but it was all in good fun. Before I knew it, it was time for Dieter to pick me up. I had him pull up out front to get me so he could avoid any further interactions with nosey coworkers. 

When we got to the restaurant, it was clear paparazzi were out everywhere. It was one of those places you went to be seen.

“Sorry, I’ve never been to this place. I didn’t know they would be here.” 

I inhaled deeply. Shaking my head as I tried to keep calm. 

“No biggie, it was bound to happen eventually. Right?” I gave him a worried look. 

“We can walk in separately if you want? They won’t bother if I’m not with you.”   

“No, it’s fine. Really. Maybe just no hand holding or anything. Don’t want to create a frenzy.”

He agreed, as he turned to pull up front to the valet parking area. As soon as he exited the vehicle, they were on him. I managed to get out and walk ahead without them noticing. They were too focused on shouting questions at Dieter. I waited for him on the steps. He eventually made his way over to me. He put his hand on my lower back as we started to walk through the door, which led to a flurry of flashes. 

“Geez, that’s insanity,” I said with an exasperated laugh once we were just inside the door. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing, It’s fine. I know what I’m getting into.”

I grabbed his hand as we made our way through the restaurant to find Anna’s table. It was one of those trendy type restaurants with dim lighting and high-end furnishings. I couldn’t say I was surprised she would want to come to a place like this.

We found her table in one of the back corners. There had to be at least fifteen people there already and she was seated in the middle of them. She called over to say she had saved us seats, right in front of her. Dieter greeted everyone and introduced me to anyone I hadn’t met yet. As I sat in the chair, I could feel Anna’s eyes looking me over.

“Geez Talia, I didn’t realize I was attending a board meeting.”

It took Dieter and I both a minute to register what she meant. She was referring to the suit that I was wearing. Dieter narrowed his eyes as he opened his mouth to speak. I grabbed his hand to stop him, before reaching to unbutton and remove my blazer. He glanced over and instantly knew what was coming based on my overly calm demeanor. He had a smirk on his face before a word left my mouth.

“I’m sorry Anna, but homeless bag-lady chic isn’t really appropriate for a professional office setting. Seeing as I came directly here from work, I guess you’ll just have to deal with my business attire. I’m sorry it doesn’t meet your dress code.”  

Anna briefly sat with her mouth agape before her eyes dropped down to the bustier, I had just uncovered. Her eyes widened with shock at my response. 

I gave her a sarcastic smile as Dieter burst out laughing. He didn’t even try to hold it back like the others sitting around us did. It was a great start to our evening. Anna finally recovered and laughed it off, but she was clearly seething over it. She wasn’t used to someone biting back at her snide remarks. 

The waiter came over soon after that to get our food and drink orders, which helped diffuse the tension. Anna avoided talking to us for some time. We were nearly done with our appetizer when she finally turned her attention back to Dieter.

“I literally tried for days to get hold of you about tonight. Where were you that didn’t have a cell signal?”

He had a guarded look on his face as he took a long drink of water from his glass. As he set it down, he put his free arm around my shoulders and pulled me in closer to his side. I could feel him tense before he spoke.

“Talia and I went to Sonoma for a few days.” 

She gave a sarcastic laugh as she drew her brows down together in confusion. 

“Like, to your parents' place?”  

He exhaled before narrowing his eyes at her, “Yeah, like to my parent’s place.” 

She laughed harder as she looked over at me.

“Did he tell you his big secret, Talia?” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“I told her everything,” Dieter replied, giving her a pointed look. He continued to calmly sip at his drink while we watched her anger bubble to the surface.

“So, you trust HER with that information over your best friend?” 

Dieter smiled as he set his glass down. He squeezed his hand into a fist as it rested on the table, then started repeatedly rubbing his fingertips down his palm. I could feel his leg bouncing beside mine under the table. I reached down and put my hand on his thigh to calm him.  

“Yes, I trust her with everything.” 

“So, what, are you two like together now? Is that it? You think she’s gonna save you from yourself?”   

Dieter’s eyes blackened as his face tensed. I sat up straighter in my seat causing Dieter to tighten his hold on my shoulder. He thought I was about to snap on her.  

“Honestly Anna, it’s none of your business what I think at this point. I’m finally happy. You should just accept that.”

“You really think this is gonna work out between you two? She’s not like us. She’s gonna get sick of your moody shit once she gets to know the real you. You know that right?” 

Dieter leaned forward, loudly slamming his fist down on the table. All eyes were on us now. A smile slid across Anna’s face as she casually leaned back in her seat. She stared at Dieter, unblinking. 

“There’s my angry boy,” she purred.

Her eyes shifted to look at me, “See Talia, he has a bit of a temper. You think you can handle that?”

“Fuck you, Anna. You don’t know me anymore,” Dieter shot back at her, rather loudly as he stood up. The sound of his chair scratching across the floor echoed in the now silent room.

I stood up beside him and tightly grabbed onto his arm. 

“Let’s go,” I said as I pushed him away from the table. He jerked his arm away from me, then leaned down over the table toward Anna. 

“I’m done with this,” he said as he pointed his finger between them. “I’m done with all of this,” he added, motioning to everyone else at the table. 

I chanced a glance around the room. People were starting to pull out their phones. I let out a quiet “fuck” as I roughly reached for his arm again and made him look at me. 

“Let’s go home. Now,” I said sternly.

He slowly shook his head up and down as we stared at each other, wide eyed. He turned to walk away, kicking the chair out of his way as he went.

I turned back to Anna, who was still smiling like the Cheshire cat while she watched him walk away. She glanced over at me, and her smile faded. I was beyond livid, so I knew she was getting a full dose of the “fucking scary” version of me in that moment. 

“You’re a selfish and pathetic bitch. You know that? Eventually, you’re gonna end up alone. You deserve to end up alone.”  

I could tell those words struck a nerve by the way she flinched away from them. I grabbed our things and turned to leave without another word. I walked over to where Dieter was waiting in the alcove near the bathrooms. 

He was leaning back against the wall with his hands rubbing at his face when I approached him. I grabbed his hands to pull them away, dropping them at his sides. His eyes were still black as they darted around looking at everything and nothing. He started clenching and unclenching his right hand. Occasionally stopping to run his thumb over his fingertips. He seemed like he was trying to control his breathing.

“Can you talk to me, please?”

He was slowly shaking his head from side to side as he closed his eyes.  I was having a hard time getting him to focus. I had never seen him like this before and wasn’t sure what to do. I reached up and grabbed the hair at the nape of his neck, somewhat tightly, forcing him to stop moving his head. His eyes popped open widely as he finally looked at me. 

“Don’t let her get to you. She’s not worth it.” 

I leaned my forehead against his as I felt his hands settle on my hips. 

“I can’t believe she said that to you. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I don’t give a damn about anything she has to say. She’s just trying to pull you back into her mess.”  

He pulled me in for a tight hug, burying his face into my neck. He took several deep breaths before he pulled away. He rested one of his hands on the back of my neck as he stared at me. His eyes looked better now. They were back to their normal chocolate brown color. 

“How about you take me home and get me out of this damn bustier?” 

That had the intended effect. He gave me a small smile and chuckled before pulling me in for a chaste kiss. We were both smiling as we turned to walk toward the exit. I took a brief glance in Anna’s direction. She had been watching us from the table. It gave me some pleasure knowing she had seen that whole exchange between Dieter and me. He was now smiling and that wasn’t the outcome she wanted.  

When we exited the restaurant, we were met with a flurry of flashes and shouted questions. We kept our distance as we walked toward the waiting car and got in. Dieter drove around for a little while and took the long way back to my house to make sure no one followed us. Luckily that didn’t seem to be the case. 

By the time we got home, he and I were both exhausted by the day's events. We peeled the clothes off each other and crawled into bed, wrapping up in each other's embrace under the blankets. We briefly spent some time exploring each other's bodies in silence. Happy to be in each other’s presence and feel the warmth and electricity that resulted from our loving caresses. I snuggled into his chest as he ran his fingers through my loose curls. His soft touches caused me to drift off to sleep. 

At some point in the middle of the night, I felt Dieter get up out of bed. I turned toward his dark figure as he was putting on a pair of shorts. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No mi estrella, I just can’t fall asleep. I’m gonna go in here so I don’t keep you awake. I’ll be back once my mind slows down.”

“Are you having the dreams again?”

“No, it’s not that. I’m just wide awake.”

He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room. I looked up at the clock. It was 4am. This was different, but he had said that he sometimes has episodes of insomnia. I wasn’t sure if it was cause for concern or not. Especially after the exchange he and Anna had earlier. Hopefully he wasn’t bothered by what she had said, because she didn’t know what she was talking about. 

I finally fell back to sleep at some point. I was awakened by my alarm a few hours later. Dieter still wasn’t in bed, but I could smell the coffee brewing in the kitchen. I had a staff meeting and a few conference calls that I needed to go into the office to deal with, so I got up to get ready. I kept things more casual today, opting for dark wash skinny jeans, a light purple silky top, and a blazer. It was definitely a flats day too. My feet were killing me after wearing heels the day before. I left my hair down with loose curls and went light on the makeup. 

Once I was ready, I walked toward the kitchen in search of Dieter. He had made breakfast and was just finishing up making me a plate as I walked around the corner. He seemed very wired for someone who didn’t get much sleep. 

“Wow. I wasn’t expecting to wake up to this.” I gave him a surprised laugh. 

“Well, I had to do something to occupy my time. I got tired of looking over scripts.”

He shrugged as he handed me a plate of food. I gave him a concerned look.

“Are you sure you’re ok? Last night was kind of a lot.”

“Yeah, that isn’t even on my mind. I’m over it. I just got to thinking about work and couldn’t fall asleep. I always do this before filming starts. I start obsessing and over preparing. I’m fine. I promise.”

He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss before shooing me toward the table to eat. 

“Do you have anything going on today?” I asked him in between bites. 

“I have a few calls, that’s about it.”

“I’ll probably be back around lunch time. We have a staff meeting and I have a few calls, then I’ll leave. I’ll work from home the rest of the afternoon.”

He bobbed his head up and down, “Cool, I’ll go grab us some lunch then.”

I gave him a smile, then quickly finished up so I could get going. As I was heading out the door, his phone started to go crazy with text messages, then rang. He rolled his eyes and gave me a quick kiss before going to answer it.

When I walked into the back employee entrance at the office, I could feel eyes on me. I sighed as I neared the reception area to see Aubrey and Kerrie both looking at their phones. They looked up at me with surprised expressions on their faces.  

I paused, giving them a confused look. 

“What?”

Their eyes shifted to each other, then back to me.

“What? Is something wrong?”

Aubrey was hesitant, but finally spoke up, “Have you not seen the gossip columns today?”

I suddenly had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes as I slowly exhaled. “Fuck. What is it? Let me see.”

Aubrey handed me her phone. TMZ had posted a ridiculously long article about forty-five minutes ago. It was about last night. There were pictures and video of Dieter and I leaving the restaurant. There were also grainy videos of our confrontation with Anna and of me trying to calm him down. The voices on the audio were too low to make out anything that had been said. The article made every effort to sensationalize the whole evening with little facts about what happened. They also referred to me as an unidentified female friend. Luckily my face was either covered with my hand or not very clear in all the images and video. I rolled my eyes and handed Aubrey her phone. 

“Care to share what that’s all about?” Aubrey asked. 

“Yes, I do care. It’s not as bad as they’re making it out to be. It’s not a big deal.” 

Kerrie gave me a sympathetic look as she spoke, “I’m sure the picture he posted on Instagram early this morning isn’t going to help the situation.”

“The what?” I didn’t know what she was talking about. Her eyes widened. 

“You didn’t know about that?” 

I shook my head as I pulled out my phone to look. Sure enough, he had posted a picture of us earlier this morning. I didn’t even know he had taken it. It was a picture of us laying down, his face pressed against my forehead with his fingers in my hair as I lay sleeping. It was cropped in a way that you couldn’t fully see my face. It was blurred slightly with a black and white filter and had text across the middle that said, “Just us.”       

It already had so many likes and comments. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the comments. I raised my head to look at Aubrey and Kerrie. I could feel the panic rising in my chest. 

“Well, I guess the cat is officially out of the bag.”

A/N: So, did anyone call it that both Dieter and Talia were going to let Anna have it? That was kind of satisfying, right? Look at Lauren picking up on things and not saying anything to Talia about it. Makes you wonder what else her and Dieter talk about when Talia isn't around...

How do you guys feel about the Instagram post? Good move? Bad move? How do we feel about Dieter's behavior? Do you feel like it's pretty on par with how he has been since the beginning?

The chapter song is below and just in case you missed the teaser, the Chapter 19 mood board is too.

Next Chapeter

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @cakipy-blog @pedrostories @titlee78 @poodlebae

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

#dieter bravo #pedro pascal #dieter x ofc #dieter bravo fic #Destiny & Deliverance Series #pedro pascal characters #dieter bravo x ofc #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #Pedro Pascal Fanfic #dieter bravo x oc #dieter bravo fluff #dieter bravo fanfiction #pedro pascal smut #the bubble #Spotify

[whatbigotspost]

On being real mean and then less mean

Long post incoming........I've been chipping away at writing this for like a month now and (unlike my usual self) I've stalled out a few times unsure of what all I want to say. But I think I've got it squared up the way I would like to. Unfortunately, I need a long context laying preamble. Sorry this will feel like an online recipe experience 😅

As the 5 of you who usually read my blocks of text will know well, I grew up in a very toxic, abusive, high-control environment. If you wanted to intentionally produce kids who would have anxiety, shame, self-loathing, aggression, be overly-competitive, angry, and equipped with little-to-no social skills, you should be parented like I was. In my nuclear family, we couldn't have had worse life lessons or role modeling when it comes to building healthy relationships, strong friendships, and harmonious existence with others. Violence was often normalized. Manipulation was encouraged. Specific conditions and rules were put on receiving love and/or affection. We weren't seen as independent humans who had their own lives and thoughts and ambitions--we were seen as extensions of my father, brought into the world to be his unquestioning cheerleaders and adoring team, to do our best to become his clones, to live out his unrealized dreams, and to combat his grievances w/ the world.

In short, it sucked.

Above all, I was taught in a very deep and real way to hate myself, not that this was explicitly acknowledged mind you, but it was the implication of everything. This self loathing was an extension of my father's own insecurities and full inability to grow the fuck up and build a life for himself that was emotionally mature, resilience, and self-caring. This mentality, if truly internalized, creates ugliness from the inside that radiates outward. I can see that so clearly now, but back then, I didn't understand it at all.

I was implicitly taught a thought process like, "the best way to 'own' someone is to shit talk them into crying" or "you can make yourself look stronger and distract from your own shortcomings by staying 1 step ahead of everyone through making THEM feel like shit about their shortcomings."

But you weren't just mean to someone to stay ahead of them, you were also mean as a way to ingratiate others to you. "Telling it like it is" even if what you said was unnecessarily cruel, was a virtue. Like, "what? I'm just saying what we're all thinking!" kind of stuff. I was taught that "teasing" is a way you show someone you love them, where "teasing" means saying all kinds of awful things that are quite hurtful. I was taught that being funny was one of the most important qualities and it didn't matter if those laughs came at the expense of others' feelings and if, over time, your comments began to destroy those around you.

It's "just teasing." It's "just joking." It was a lot of "oh come, on grow a thicker skin" over "maybe saying cruel shit for fun is bad?" It was "God, I can dish it and I can take it, why can't you?" over "maybe I want friends who support one another instead of digging at our insecurities."

Some recent nostalgia I've been wallowing in this summer reminded me of my grossest self who lived by these rules.

Those worst moments, where I was a bully and an asshole, all occurred for me at school, when I was probably around 11/12 and older. School was a very interesting place for me. When I try to paint an efficient picture of what my childhood home was like for others, I often say, my family existed in a weird liminal someplace between mainstream, mid western white suburban society and a survivalist/separatist/cult/fringe culture (like Tara Westover describes in Educated or as seen in Captain Fantastic if you're familiar w/ either of those.) We were a cult of 4 and there were many things We Did Not Do, all my dad's rules. (My grandparent's house was a safe harbor unlike my home, but that's a tangent for another time.) That said, accessing education was something my father DID trust the local government to do (as long as he could emphasize over and over how we can't trust everything they say, we could trust their lessons of math, music, English, etc.) He strategically chose a place to live where I could get the best "free" education possible in Central Indiana. My social life existed fully in a traditional school setting, where it took me all of 2 seconds to clock that other kids' lives weren't like mine, and that was compelling to me. I became a lifelong student of interpersonal relationship dynamics far before I realized I had become a lifelong student of relationships. I remember when I was in elementary school journaling about and thinking about and talking about all the friend groups and dynamics, etc. Writing stories about friend groups. Creating Barbie universes and dramas with 2 neighborhood friends. Trying to spend more and more time w/ peers instead of family.

Beyond that, I loved school because I would receive praise and love at home for A's and praise and love from my teachers for being "so good" (aka offering 100% deference to adult authority as I been told to do, even if I could question them inside.) This all means when I was very young, I did SO WELL at figuring out school...how to make friends...how to get an A+...how to get teachers to love me...how to be The Good Kid...how to reduce my value to my grades and what I produced, which is a mentality I've still only begun to unweave from within me, some 30 years later.

Anyway, point is, despite the hand I was dealt, I somehow never had trouble making friends and with a lot of my closest friends, I wasn't all that mean to in the way I describe above, at least initially. But when I did apply that behavior, god damn was it ugly. I get that now, but back then, I felt cool as fuck.

The more it (temporarily worked for me) the more I used meanness. By the time I was like 17, I literally was known as mean and wore it as a badge of honor. Lacking emotional intelligence and an overtly loving home environment, I thought it was normal? cool? idk...to "not be able to handle mushy emotional stuff." I would (LITERALLY) run if friends were telling me they loved me. It became more and more common for me to apply, "witty mean girl" quips to even my closest friends. Stuff was said about me like, "oh, if she makes fun of you, it means she really loves you." I was always saying shit to gain laughs from others that really hurt some people and I would act like that was a THEM thing like "god, they're so sensitive, poor widdle baby."

NOT GOOD. Nothing to be proud of. Signs of someone who deep down hates themselves and hopes you don't notice because of a big, bad exterior. In this era, I was someone who attracted and accepted other toxic people and was abusive toward and accepted abuse from friends who had these same issues. How I met and fell in love w/ my partner who is not at all like this during that period of time back when sometimes confounds me. His boundaries and feelings are why I started really looking inward. His patience and willingness to understand what was going on for me was immense (as I was similarly patient for things related to his baggage.) FOR YEARS we had a dynamic where I'd "make fun of" "tease" "just joke" about him too harshly in front of others and he would ask me over and over to stop. I'd get better for a while, then I'd backslide and make him feel like shit in a group setting again--but hey! everyone laughed at my ~*~*just oh so hilarious comment*~*~ and so that makes it fine right?? Obviously, not, and the older I got the more I started to FINALLY see "mean" as mean and not "telling it like it is" or being a core part of my humor.

How I REALLY know that this toxic coping mechanism I used to my benefit was a thinly veiled defense mechanism style behavior to cloud my deep deep deep self loathing is because when I'd be talking w/ my partner about his very reasonable and normal request that I not say unnecessarily cruel things about him for fun in front of others, I would be afraid of things like, "But that's part of who I am? It's my humor."

I really thought so lowly of myself that I believed that if I wasn't witty-mean, people wouldn't love me. That I wouldn't still be funny. That I wouldn't be ME unless I was being MEAN. It was so backwards and upside down because my meanness did make me harder to be around, and people were right there loving me anyway, not because of it, but despite it.

It's so sad to realize this! Looking back and describing this girl now feels in both parts foreign to me and also like looking in a mirror. I've been in 20 years of some form or another of "recovery" from this kind of childhood now, and I'm about 15 years into true healing and re-parenting myself. Almost 14 years ago, I made the biggest shift toward killing this old mentality...I moved away from my home town and the people I spent my days around to that point. I had an opportunity for a hard reset in my social life and behaviors, leaving behind old reputations that didn't serve me. And I’m still me. I’m spicy and I’m real and I’m blunt and I’m funny but I’m not cruel or mean anymore. The old me sometimes still rears her ugly head, especially when I'm tired, stress, or dysregulated. But it's less "how I am" now than ever in my life.

As I've been thinking about this whole topic for quite a few weeks now, and I tried to articulate what I did that really changed me and allowed me to shed that mean girl shell of armor I was wearing that I had so thoroughly needed to outgrow. If these things resonate with you, I do have some pieces of advice.

Speak from your personal values 100% of the time. That means defining your personal values first, not just accepting what you think is valuable you've been told by others. Once I grew the maturity to understand I needed my own life values, it was very simple to grasp that I was not in line with them. My top 5 personal life values are: love, equity, humor, loyalty, and open communication. Mean jokes don't check many of those boxes.

Become your own best friend first. My behaviors were driven by self-hatred I did not choose. When I choose how I want to feel about myself, I choose self-compassion, and I actively cultivate this mentality and practice all. the. time so that I don't backslide.

Stop "telling it like it is." This is not helpful. No one needs something obvious and cruel pointed out. This is basic "THINK" acronym stuff. It's a classic because it works. Is what you're about to say.... "true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind." Telling it like it is is only TRUE, it's rarely -HINK.

Never "just joke" about something someone could possibly be vulnerable about. If someone has a physical wound, you don't jab your finger into it for fun. When someone has an emotional tenderness, you similarly don't jab a mean comment into it. When in doubt, just don't joke about it.

Have actual hard conversations and "call outs" in the right times/spaces. Sometimes behavior that one friend may call "mean" is actually a very necessary hard conversation to the other person. So it's helpful to just remember that those kind of real-deal communications are rarely done effectively or productively with an audience or by using humor. Real shit deserves a real shit tone.

Push yourself to say the nicest stuff and just be fucking sincere and genuine. Tell your friends you love them. Tell your friends when you are obsessed with what they are achieving/doing/saying. Tell your friends WHAT you love about them. Make an effort for your most important relationships to have far, far more "positive bids" than negative.

Use "teasing" or "self deprecating" humor selectively and strategically. Sometimes, my partner and I DO tease each other by having open communication and actually knowing one another's boundaries, I now understand what's fine and what's not. So I can proceed w/o hurting him. But I don't know most people to that level, so I'm not going to try to tease someone else in front of others w/o that knowledge anymore. Self deprecating humor has also been a go-to for me in the past and one of the people I could be meanest to was myself. I realized I should use it sparingly with people who I don't know well, too, because I don't necessarily need to give them a cheat sheet to what my baggage is. And lastly, in general, I think that we should ALL be very very careful to spare strangers our sarcasm, deadpan comments, or whatever. Many folks are neurodiverse or otherwise don't get your sarcasm and your implications can be lost in translation. You never know what topics, with strangers, might be a hornet's nest you stumble into.

PFEW! Ok, I think that's plenty for now! If you've got similar tips or thoughts, LMK! Of course, I still fuck up my practice of not being mean all the time, but the best thing about having done this work and shared it with those around me is that my friends are much more like to say something like, "OW! Was that your dad talking for a sec?" and help me than to just go on assuming I'm an asshole. 😆

#healthy relationships #abuse #interpersonal relationships #toxic relationships #child abuse #self compassion #healing #reparenting #resources #advice

[rustybottlecap]

There is something about Goodbye Volcano High's gameplay that really fascinates me but I'm not seeing it being talked about a lot even in positive reviews, probably because it's not stated outright and may take more than one playthrough to notice it's happening.

One of my favorite things about indie games is when they take a game mechanic or habit on the part of the player that we take for granted and put a spin on it related to storytelling. For example, Undertale expecting the player to instinctively gain "exp" to increase their "Lv"; Omori with the status conditions during battles being emotions (or lack thereof) that carry several implications throughout the story; and Anodyne knowing full well that the player will want to find every secret hiding in the game to the point of providing them the means to do so on a silver platter and simply letting them wallow in their obsession.

Goodbye Volcano High is at its core a visual novel. In visual novels you usually follow the story along, making decisions by picking options out of a list, that lead to different scenes and endings. Often, these decisions involve what the playable character gets to speak aloud in-universe. This is not the case with Goodbye Volcano High. When the protagonist Fang is asked a question, and the player picks an option, what Fang speaks is usually not the same as what the option says, altough it's usually the same basic idea. Sometimes, even when the options are very different, the inmediate outcome and dialogue are the same, yet the symbol that indicates that a decision has been made still shows up. Sometimes the options suddendly change their wording or become unselectable or behave weirdly. Why all this?

Because in this game the options aren't a call to action, they represent what Fang is THINKING and FEELING. Internally. And not just the options, but the basic mechanic of selecting them itself too. When you select an option, you are choosing what thoughts and feelings Fang accepts and internalizes, regardless of wether they act on them or not. When you so much as hover over an option, you are still making Fang think and consider that option, wich may have an effect on the options. As in, the character ends up displaying stuff like doubt, anxiety and bargaining in the form of the options changing their wording or becoming unavailable. If Fang is overly exited or nervous, the options may change constantly. Sometimes the options require more effort to select. Or they look a certain way. All these things and more play into a core idea.

In theory, when it's not skill-based, choosing the "right" or "wrong" option in any game is not exactly hard. Sometimes it's very obvious what choices will lead to the good and bad endings, and choosing becomes a matter of preference or completionism, the player becomes an spectator. Goodbye Volcano High works around this by aiming to put the player inside Fang's mind and make the most of it, with choices that should be obvious becoming hard and confusing through Fang's personal filters (is an option the wrong one or only feels like it because it requires more effort and looks scary as seen above?), and little things that players may do out of instinct ending up translating into in-universe habits that may be unhealthy (hovering over different options equals overthinking and doubting and thus the options may change). That there is sometimes a timer also plays a factor. And all this pays off through the game's other big mechanic: the affinity chart.

It's nothing new to have the player's choices affecting the protagonist's relationship with other characters. But as mentioned, in this game the choices are internal on the protagonist's part, and may result in seemingly the same outcome. How, then, can the choices affect this chart that represents how close the protagonist is to the other charcters? Because much like the choices, this chart is also internal. It represents how the protagonist FEELS about the other characters, or at least how much they are willing to open up to them, regardless of what's happening on the outside. And depending on that is that Fang may be willing and capable of speaking sincerely with them during certain moments of truth.

I haven't confirmed it myself, but there is word that the game also takes note of how the choices affect Fang themselves. It's not hard to believe, seeing as how some choices don't involve other characters, but reflect purely on Fang's self-esteem and being nice or harsh on themselves. Being on good terms with others doesn't change the fact that you need to love yourself.

And all this factors in the end.

Visual novels tend to let you make choices to get different endings. Goodbye Volcano High is about teen dinosaurs coping with the threat of an asteroid that may destroy the planet. We know that an asteroid hit the planet during the age of dinosaurs. The asteroid may be unavoidable. The end may be unavoidable. But by being you through the gameplay, the game lets you choose how to face the end. You can make it bitter, bittersweet, and even sweet.

#goodbye volcano high #gvh #indie games #video games #undertale #omori #anodyne #visual novel #game mechanics #game design #fang

[thesovereignsring-if]

Hello, I wanted to ask...What if mc grows up as an introverted person with a gentle and quiet personality and becomes a person who does not know how to deal with social situations, gets depressed quickly, and cries a lot? I would love to know how ROs and the mc family deal with this type of personality...

I think I answered a ask similar to this when it comes to the family, but I can't find it D:

Oh i do want to preface this as I totally understand how serious and shitty depression is. But some of my characters react will badly in a way that doesn't help those who suffer from depression because they're very flawed and might not have the emotional intelligence or skills to help their partners who suffer from depression/anxiety. I do not approve of their methods, but that's just how some of them are going to react. Ok so-

RO(s):

Finny: He'll get really sad if his lover is sad ): so he'll try to make them happy and comfortable and feel discouraged when it's not as easy. I can see Finny really struggling and grow unhealthy/dependant tendencies/traits because of it. He'll never stop trying to make things right and will carry the burden of any social interaction that the MC is uncomfortable with, even if he's own health, both physical and mental health suffers from it.

Thea: She'll quietly comfort the MC and won't force them to attend any unneeded social situations. She's a quiet person, so she'll always be glad to be a soothing presence for the MC without being too forceful. She'll always make sure the her lover is open with how they are feeling so she knows how to deal with it properly.

Linnet: She has no problem being the more independent partner in situations that the MC is uncomfortable with. She'll also be very hands on with the MC's mental state, making sure they have an active and healthy environment with people they'll feel comfortable talking about, that doesn't include her. Linnet is more likely to be away from the MC compared to the other RO(s) so she often makes sure they'll be okay without her. Like her brother, she might end up neglecting herself to make sure her partner is okay.

Medea: She'd coddle and soothe an MC with depression and anxiety issues. She'll be very protective and aggressive to those might make the MC sad, and will probably get upset at herself when her efforts don't make a difference. She'll see it as failure on herself if the MC doesn't feel better and will most likely lashout. Afterwards she'll come back and apologize and go out of her way to prove her love.

Helios: Uhhh. Look, Helios isn't cold hearted or anything like that. They're pretty kind and selfless person, however they won't baby or coddle the MC. They can't. Helios isn't the type of person who can be with them all the time to soothe their tears or comfort them. They'll gladly do anything to make their lover feel safe and comforted and they'll make sure they have a good support group. But they'll always encourage and suggest ways for the MC to overcome their depression and anxiety. In social situations they'll try to make it as lighthearted as possible to make the MC more comfortable. They're good at doing that.

Eirik: Like Medea, Eirik will probably feel frustrated when the MC doesn't get better with all his efforts. He's the type to throw money at every problem in hopes it would be the solution then get upset when he's back at square one. He'll never abandon the MC and he'll be (for once be vocal about his affections), but he'll probably have to avoid them for a few days so he doesn't take out his temper on them because HE knows that's the last thing his partner needs. ):

Family:

The Empress and Alberich would never push the MC into situations they won't feel comfortable and will only encourage them to have little tea parties with close friends. It'll be something they'll look closely at and slowly ease the MC into being less scared and think with a more healthy mindset. Sieghardt would be very overprotective with the MC and will feel really bad about being so far away from home. He'd always ask about their condition from Alberich and send small gifts and trinkets for the MC to make them feel better.

#answered asks #tsr #ro(s) #eirik #alberich #medea #thea #finn #maeve #mc #sieghardt #linnet #helios

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 10

welcome the the tenth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. A Rain-Check on Redamancy by @youraveragemushroom

Burnout these days usually came from working long nights at the Garrison. If Lance from five years ago could see himself today—working part-time to rebuild Earth and full-time as an instructor at the very same institution that gave him his crippling anxieties—he would probably shit a brick. Hell, five years ago he hadn’t even known aliens existed (although he always knew deep down that humans weren’t alone in the universe), and now he’s best friends with multiple! One of which had apparently texted him an hour ago.

Forgoing proper texting procedure due to fatigue and general doneness, Lance tapped on the icon to call back.

“Hello?” a familiar deep rasp answered from the other line.

“Hey, mullet,” Lance replied, pushing aside the papers in front of him to lay his head down on the desk. “What’s cooking?”

In which Lance finds himself ignoring how late it is and indulges himself in pining after Keith. Which becomes slightly more difficult when said object of his affections shows up in the middle of the night to rescue him from paperwork, stress, and the melancholy that came from being away from him.

the ‘god i wish you were here’ ‘look behind you’ trope will get to me EVERY single time idc. always makes me all stimmy bc its THE epitome of romance. this whole thing was so so romantic and full of parallels to the first episode to show how deep their relationship has gotten...i love me some romantic parallels fr

2. sweetheart by @jilliancares

“Sorry, babe,” Keith says. He even smiles, no doubt proud of himself.

And Lance knows it’s his fault. He started it, after all, but at least the biting term of endearment made sense when he was the one doing it. Keith had been talking to him like they were some old married couple. The kind who’ve been married too long and don’t love each other anymore and gripe over meaningless shit, only managing to piss each other off even further.

That’s why Lance called him dear. Because it made sense in the situation. It was a calculated insult. A strategic jab.

Keith, on the other hand, is weaponizing the term of endearment without any rhyme or reason, simply to get back at Lance.

Or: Keith and Lance have gotten into the habit of using pet names as condescending insults. They're not really terms of endearment.

ooooooo god endearments going from sarcastic to desperately genuine and the inherent hopelessness in that....whew boy. its def a Concept that u indulge and then you have to clutch ur stomach. i remember reading this as i was getting ready and brushing my teeth and the cliff scene made me gasp out loud and stop just to i could pay Full Complete Attention

3. don’t speak the language by @goldengalaxies

“More importantly” Lance says. “I am currently having a breakdown in this lift because look at him- I am so incredibly gay.”

“Lance!” Hunk buries his face in his hands. “He could speak English you know, your skills of deduction are really not that good.”

Lance ignores his warning in favour of groaning dramatically. “Oh, Dios mio, Hunk, he’s so gorgeous. Look at those muscles. He could probably bench press me.” Lance fanned himself. “Oh my God, fencing is my new favourite sport, fuck swimming.”

(or the one where Lance thirsts after a random guy in the lift who he thinks can’t speak English. lance is very wrong and hunk is very much done with his shit.)

let me tell u about this fuckin FIC. it’s hilarious, but i first read it before i meticulously started storing and bookmarking my fave fics, so when i wanted to reread it i couldnt find it. but i KNEW it was hilarious so i spent fckn hours looking for it, and it took me hours too bc i coulnt figure out which tags to filter. but it was WORTH IT. the entire concept of this fic is hilarious and makes me laugh. amazing work.

4. Whose bright idea was this? by IronScript

When Lance is captured during a mission with the MFE pilots, he wakes up aboard Haggar's ship, though the witch herself isn't there, so he figures why waste an opportunity? Then he finds something that he definitely hadn't expected.

All the while, he has no idea that back at the Garrison, his team and a few select others are watching his every move.

bro the idea that the team is panicked for lance’s safety and they desperately organise a rescue mission for him terrified that hes getting tortured and losing hope but by the time they find him he’s already got one foot out the door and has rescued himself is ENDLESSLY funny to me. like he really said ‘damsel in distress who’ and i love him for that lmao

5. Garfle! Warfle! Snick! by IronScript

How the game show episode actually should have happened.

I'll admit to being a Lance stan, but even people who don't like him seem to agree that he was really fucked over in this episode. So here's my attempt at it. Is it more realistic than what actually happened? I like to think so.

another ironscript fic bc they nail bamf lance. this is how the gameshow WOULD have gone if vld gave a shit about their characters like actually. like yes of course the team is proud of each other and capable of acknowledging mistakes. of course keith knows lance’s worth. of course lance is a badass. of course the team knows wtf theyre doing. love to read this when i get mad about the game show

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

#have a lot of fics i Looked for today #vld #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #keith #keith kogane #bamf lance #team as family #klance #pining lance #soft klance #fic rec #fic rec friday #longpost

[archiveoftara]

Magic is not real

Hello locknation, I'm back with another series. The reader doesn't possess any talent, has anxiety and isn't fond of the agent life or the industry. Lockwood falls for her first. Hope you like it!!

Warning: mention of anxiety

Part 2

It's chaotic at 35 Portland Row. The agents were occupied preparing for their latest case. Lucy was checking the inventory. George was surrounded by papers, plans, notes and whatnot to gain more knowledge about the visitor they're supposed to encounter. Lockwood was brushing up his rapier skills in the basement.

Lucy plops on the chair beside George and takes a deep sigh. 

"I'm exhausted." said lucy.

"Nice to meet you exhausted, I'm George." George said. 

"Very funny." Lucy glared.

Lockwood entered the room sweating, said "I'm starving, George." 

"Have patience, kids. I've already called Arif's." George said while burying his face inside the books.

The bell rang and Lockwood rushed to the door to get it, only to be hit by the cupid's arrow.

Y/N's POV

The weather is nice in London today. I was at the back, baking some cakes when Arif asked me to deliver an order urgently as we're running short on staff. 

I quickly got changed and left to make the delivery. I looked at the slip to make sure I'm at the right address. I rang the bell and waited patiently. 

The door opened revealing a boy my age (probably), in white shirt and black trousers. Beautiful brown eyes, dishevelled hair, sweat dripping from his forehead. 

"Um.. your delivery, sir." I said while handing him the donuts. 

"Ah yes." He said while taking the package from me. The atmosphere turned awkward. 

"Sir?" 

"Yes?" He whispered. 

"That will be 15 pounds, sir." I said awkwardly, fixing my glasses. 

"Oh yes, sorry. I'm so sorry. Let me fetch my wallet real quick." He disappeared inside the house. 

I bid goodbye and left for my job. Little did I know my life was about to change.

It's been two months since the fellow agent met Arif's new Baker. He's been making his visit to Arif's more often than usual. Y/n couldn't help but notice the sudden change in the atmosphere. At first she paid no mind to it but Lockwood made it a tad bit obvious about his growing affection towards her. For instance, he would personally go to the shop to fetch the donuts, try to make small conversations and get to know her more, would order tea and have it there while waiting for his order. One day y/n had enough and asked Lockwood to meet her after the shift ended. 

"What are you doing Mr. Lockwood?" She asked. 

"Um.. having tea?" He replied.

"I want to make one thing clear to you. Our paths are different. We can't be together, Mr. Lockwood. I would really appreciate it if you just leave me alone and carry on with your life." With that, y/n left the shop. 

Y/n got off late. The streets were empty and she still had a couple of blocks left till she reached home. 

"There's no taxi. I have to reach home quickly." Y/n said while moving her feet faster. 

Couple minutes later she felt a cold breeze. A chill ran down her spine. She hoped it's a cat but she knew it's something else. A visitor. 

Y/n gulped and rummaged through her bag for a lavender or smoke bomb. She didn't wait and ran. She ran as fast as she could. She didn't care where she was going, she's looking for a place to hide. She suddenly stumbled upon a pavement which caused her glasses to fly away from her face. 

"Shit. I'm blind without my glasses." Y/n frantically looked for her glasses but it was too late. The visitor was near her. She froze. 

"Guess I'm gonna be joining you guys soon." She muttered to herself. Suddenly a rapier slashed through the air. 

"Y/n are you alright?" Lockwood asked. 

She was frozen. She was profusely sweating. She couldn't speak.

"The visitor will come again shortly. I can't hold him for too long. We have to leave. Y/n please, hold on." Lockwood picked her up on her feet. Lockwood safely took y/n to her flat.

Y/n invites Lockwood inside her tiny flat. She offered him tea as a token of gratitude. For some reason y/n couldn't meet his eyes. Maybe because of the nerves, maybe she's still shaken up by the previous incident. 

Lockwood cleared his throat and said "it's a nice flat." 

"Thank you. That's all I have." She said while looking around. 

"I'm sorry." Lockwood regrets making the previous statement. 

"No, it's fine. My parents, they were agents just like you, Mr. Lockwood. After their talent faded they started a small business. Everything was good till that night. They got ghost touched...You know how life in London is expensive, so I had to sell our shop. The rest is history." Y/n opened up her heart. 

Lockwood didn't know what to say.

"That's why I stay away from agents. Mr. Lockwood. I'm not the ideal person for you. You deserve someone... someone who's brave.. like you." Y/n said. 

"You think I'm brave?" Locked gave her his iconic smile. 

Y/n rolled her eyes playfully. 

"Ms. Y/l/n, I can understand what you're going through. I respect your decision but please, i request you to respect mine too." Lockwood said looking deep into her eyes. 

"Have you seen fireflies Mr. Lockwood?" Y/n asked. 

Lockwood raised his eyebrows. "Yes?" 

"When we see fireflies, we think it's magic but when we hold it in our palms; we realise there's nothing magical here. Magic is not real." Y/n tried to explain him. 

After a moment of silence, Lockwood said something which froze y/n. 

"I don't want to hold the firefly. I want to live in its light. I want to feel its warmth because it makes me feel alive." 

"Please, y/n. I've lost everything just like you but I can't afford to lose anymore. I want to be your friend. That's all I ask of you. Give me one chance." Lockwood pleaded. 

One chance? Every human deserves at least one chance right? 

Y/n couldn't help but ponder about the thought. 

"You can take as much time as you need. I'm always here for you, waiting." Lockwood left her flat leaving a conflicted y/n. 

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#lockwood x you #lockwood and co #fandom #anthony lockwood #fanfic #anthony lockwood x reader #lockwood x reader #save lockwood and co #locknation #anthony bloody lockwood

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Mini “Should I consider whether I may actually have ADHD?” masterpost:

“The lost girls: ‘Chaotic and curious, women with ADHD all have missed red flags that haunt us’ ” by Noelle Faulkner for The Guardian

“The Lost Girls of ADHD: Getting diagnosed as an adult hasn’t been the relief I thought it would be” by Kara Eva Schlegl for Human Thoughts

“ADHD Is Different for Women” by Maria Yagoda for The Atlantic

“Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story” by Jessica McCabe for TEDx

“Should You Be Assessed for ADHD?” by Dr Stephen Humphries for Harley Therapy

Bonus: “The Results of My Brain Scan” by Laura Clery

There are a growing number of similar articles and resources that you can easily look up now, but the above list, starting with the first article (shared by a woman of colour friend with ADHD), is how I dove headfirst into a rabbit hole in January 2021 that's become a years-long journey.

I grew out of my selective mutism and into an incredibly organised student as a teenager, but my productivity and focus quickly went downhill halfway through twelfth grade before I took my IALs.

The first time I considered having ADHD was in August 2019, during my freshman year in university. After a friend (who grew up with far more prominent mental health struggles, including depression and anxiety that affected her grades) shut me down saying I was probably just “demotivated” instead, I quickly dispelled the thought. I didn’t want to be yet another neurotypical person trying to use mental health issues as an excuse for my laziness. I grew up with crippling, alienating social anxiety, and it had gotten worse with my move to the US for university—I wondered if I might have autism; I had always been so different from other kids. But I didn’t get a high probability on the free quizzes on the internet, and that had been the end of that.

I didn’t know at the time what masking was, and how ADHD and autism symptoms can overlap—how the two are often mistaken for one another. I didn’t know that ADHD can present differently in women and people of colour because of the environment we grow up in, and because of how we have been excluded from medical research from the moment of its discovery.

In Bangladesh, we’re expected to grow out of our neurodivergence, which is euphemised as personality quirks. There is a great stigma around having children with disabilities, and around mental healthcare in general, so parents often live in denial about their neurodivergent children. There is a very stereotypical view of how a child or adult with autism is supposed to appear, and about the occasional “hyper little boys” that will usually grow up to become quiet, calm, mature and shy. Girls are raised in an extremely regulated, structured environment with high expectations. We begin developing masking skills from the moment we develop a sense of gender.

If you are struggling to understand yourself, look up your symptoms. Do a deep dive. Ask your friends—multiple friends. Trust your instincts. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. There is so much more dimension to mental health and neurodivergence that may not be well-known within your community. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

#adhd #actually adhd #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #autism #adhd in adults #adhd masking #woc #women of color #nd #mental health #learning disability #dyspraxia #dyslexia #selective mutism #dysgraphia #time blindness #dyscalculia #the lost girls #late stage diagnosis #late stage adhd diagnosis #the lost girls of adhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #add #attention deficit disorder #adult adhd #autism spectrum disorder #asd #social anxiety #executive dysfunction