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burnedbyshoto · 4 years

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bakugou katsuki alphabet hc’s

a/n: just a little something something for me being swamped with final preparations and my wip being nowhere near completed!!!

SFW

A = Affection (How affectionate are they with an s/o?)

Bakugou is not that affectionate, hate to tell you guys that. He’s a cat through and through. He’s someone who touches you when he wants to, not when you want it. Sometimes it varies, but most of the time it’s him giving you a look, after all, he will never outright tell you to touch him. But you can see it, the slight eyebrow lift, the curl of his lip because you’re not being affectionate with him. It happens both in private and public, but there are moments in private where he just is clingy, not in an overly clingy way, but a: let’s hold hands while being on our phones sorta way.

B = Breath (What could their s/o do to take their breath away?)

There is not much in this world that will take Bakugou’s breath away. He’s just that sort of guy that even when he’s caught off guard, you will never ever know it explicitly. That being said, there is one thing that does take his breath away. Arguing with him

Now, I'm not talking about crazy psycho bitch arguing where the both of you are going through some world war with each other. I’m talking about an argument where he comes in knowing he’s in the wrong but him not knowing what to do. Argue your side, explain why he’s doing things wrong, how it’s wrong, and how to improve. Taking his insecurities and his inability to do things correctly isn’t something he enjoys being attacked about, but when you take it in, absorb it, and help him it just steals his breath away because holy hell, you respect him, you love him, and he feels the exact same way.

C = Cuddling (Do they cuddle? If they do, how and when do they cuddle?)

Bakugou does cuddle, but oh boy does it take a long time for him to be able to allow this to happen.

Bakugou is a little spoon. now shut up and listen to why. When your relationship first begins, he is not open to showing his affections, and would turn onto his side before ever asking to hold you. So you have to take it up to yourself to snuggle into his back side, nose buried into his spine. With time, and with Bakugou finally opening up and expressing his feelings, and his ability to be as vulnerable as he can get, most nights it's with him laying his head on your chest, his body draped over yours. He likes this position because he feels like he’s protecting you. if anything happens at night, he’ll be the first to be hit, and that’s all that matters.

D = Dream (What do they dream of doing with their s/o?)

World domination, easy.

Bakugou isn’t someone who allows for intimate relationships like picking a penny from the penny jar. He is a tiny bit arrogant and thinks he deserves the best, so when he finally chooses you to date there’s a 99% chance it’s ending in marriage. He wants the both of you to succeed.

Whatever it is in life that you want to do, what you dream to do, it automatically becomes his dream too. He’s going to support you and help you get there or his name isn’t Bakugou Katsuki.

E = Effort (How much effort do they put into a relationship?)

All things considered, especially what people would most likely think, he puts in a lot of effort.

Again, you aren’t some casual relationship, if he’s dating you that means you’re endgame in his eyes, congrats!

He may be an angry tsundere the entire time, but he remembers everything. Every important date in your life you better remember, because this asshole will then ask you seven years into the relationship about how you remember the outfit you wore on your first kiss and if you say no he’s gonna both yell at you and hold it above your head for all eternity.

He puts in effort!!!!

Sure, sometimes you might not be priority number one, but you never fall off the top ten list and he always makes sure to make it up in some sort of way if you feel negligent because of this.

F = Fear (What do they do if their s/o is scared? How do they handle it?)

Bakugou is someone who talks you through it.

Why are you scared?

Is there something you can do about it?

How can I make it better?

He’s all about prevention, improving, helping. He wants you to feel better and he’s always been better with his words over his actions when it comes to aiding. It’s not to say that he won’t comfort you, because he will definitely touch your head and bring it to rest against his shoulder only after he’s done helping you out. He feels like he can help you through your fears and merely hugging and saying it’ll be better isn’t the way to help.

G = Gifts (What type of gifts do they give their s/o? Do they want a gift in return?)

Bakugou remembers everything about ya, he’s going to get you the gifts you really need.

Yes, need, not want.

Oh you want a whole new makeup collection? Uh no, what you need is a whole new ass vanity and make up organizer because he’s seen those same damn colors you want in your collection but you don’t have shit organized so you don’t know!

Oh you want a new video game? Uh no,,, okay fair, he wants it too, so you both need it for date nights.

Bakugou absolutely hates getting gifts in return, for some reason he thinks its atone to charity work or like guilty gifts. If you want to give him a present, he might allow it, but do not and I mean DO NOT give him a gift for what he gives you (outside of appropriate holidays of course).

H = Hugs (Do they hug their s/o? How often?)

Bakugou hugs you, that’s a given. But how he hugs is pretty dependent on mood and where the two of you are.

When it’s in public he’s a major fan of the one armed hug, the typical “we besties but not like that” hug. Never ever think it’s because he’s embarrassed of you, he’s just… emotionally constipated and he can’t fathom hugging you while everyone watches because he gets nervous. But there are times, in public, where something happens. Something that causes him to worry for you, and he’ll be on you in an instant, his arms slamming you in. One on the small of your back, the other between your shoulder blades. He loves you and only when he’s not in control does he forget his boundaries.

In private though, it’s another story. He’s the person who has their arms wrapped loosely around your waist, his hands holding onto your hips ever so softly. He buries his face into your neck and just breathes. Sometimes he likes to sway with you in his arms, other times he likes to carry you too.

I = Intimacy (How romantic are they? Do they have problems with intimacy?)

He’s definitely an… acquired taste of romance. Nothing he does is outside the spectrum of what is considered to be romantic! If he had done it with a sugary sweet ‘im so in love with you smile’ no one would say anything, but he does these things in a Bakugou way where people are like: “ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH THAT MAN?!” and then look over at you who’s crying because you think he’s the most romantic person in the world.

Oh he has hella problems, just because you’re it for him doesn’t mean he knows how to behave correctly. He goes through self reflection because of this! He needs to figure out what intimacy means for him, and how to express it to you while also keeping your ideas of intimacy in hand. It always works out though, he will always put together how to make it work.

J = Jealous (Do they get jealous? How do they act when jealous?)

Surprise, surprise, Bakugou Katsuki is a jealous man :)

The worst part of Bakugou’s jealousy is that he knows that he has no reason to be jealous. There are only a handful of people Bakugou feel inferior to, like truly and honestly inferior to. He knows he’s not always the best, no matter how hard he tries, but he knows where he lies in the world. So when he sees other people flirting with you he knows right away that there’s no reason to be jealous. But that doesn’t do anything to the instinctive monster in his mind that tells him to murder the random extra for even considering you to be on a level similiar to theirs.

He storms over, fury and murder in his eyes, parking himself right behind you, eyes glaring at the person who is flirting with you because on god he’s not going to say shit until he has to. If the person doesn’t understand that their presence isn’t welcomed, then Bakugou has no issue twirling you where you stand and shoving his tongue in your mouth. In fact most of your public kisses have stemmed from situations like these.

But the dangerous jealousy is the one where you invoke it. The eyes on him the entire time you’re flirting with him, fueling the fires of his jealousy and irateness. There’s nothing stopping him from going over there, but in this? This is a competition for him. Who’s breaking first? He’ll grab someone nearby, eyes on you while he flirts himself. Although it’s not really flirting he can’t understand anything the person he grabbed is saying, he just enjoys the anger in your own eyes until one of you -- most of the time him -- snaps and storms over.

K = Kiss (Are they a good kisser? Do they like to kiss? How often do they try to kiss you?)

Hohohoho, Bakugou Katsuki is initially the worst kisser in the entire WORLD.

His kiss is like slimey, too much saliva, sweat pouring from his face because he’s nervous. He won’t touch you because if he did he’d leave handprints on your clothes. He clumsily clashes his teeth against yours, and oh god is this the appropriate amount of tongue to use?

Just teach him

Bakugou is a lowkey sucker for kisses, he enjoys nights where you poke him in the face obviously wanting a kiss from him, but he can’t help but make it difficult for you. He’ll face poke after poke until he gets up, face trying to stay angry until you pull him into a kiss. He’s much better at this point, he likes holding your cheek with his right hand, his left hand either grasping your wrist or holding your hand. He’s into the slow and languid kisses, the ones that keep you shut up for moments to come because he enjoys blue balling you.

Bakugou will kiss you every day until the day he dies, even if he’s mad at you or something, no day is passed without a kiss in the morning and at night.

L = Love (When do they say they love you? How often do they say it? Do they prefer to say or show it?)

Bakugou Katsuki is a hard one for this.

On one hand, I can see him not being the first one to say it. Bakugou being the first to admit to something as deep, as soul revealing as being in love with you? It can happen at anytime during the relationship, but he will first murmur it when he swears you’re asleep, and then again when you ask him.

But on the other hand, I can see him saying it first. Bakugou isn’t an idiot, he knows you won’t say it in case he doesn’t return your feelings, but the thing is Bakugou has been in love for quite some time so he’ll say it out of the blue. Not in the middle of silence but during a conversation that you don’t register until he’s glaring at you for ignoring his statement.

After all, Bakugou doesn’t lose. ;p

M = Marriage (Do they want to get married? If so, what kind of ceremony?)

Bakugou isn’t dating you just so he can say he’s dating someone. Hell nah, if he’s dating you like hell he isn’t gonna have you take his last name so he can show you off to the world like some toy he had won. It’s not done in a bad way, just a smug ‘I married the best person in the world’ sorta way.

Bakugou is a small and intimate most likely modern sort of party. There is no free bar, like hell he’s going to let people get wasted through his money on his day. But it definitely becomes his favorite day in the entire year watching you come down the aisle and getting to dance with you.

N = Night out (What type of dates do they like to go on? How often do they like to go on them?)

Bakugou enjoys date nights at home.

He likes coming together with you to prepare dinner, chucking food at each other when someone messes up. Then the food is taken to the living room where he threatens not to mess anything up or feel his wrath. After the threat, you sit between his legs and the two of you go ham on video games or watch a movie.

Other than that he likes amusement parks, museums, hiking, and camping trips!!

O = Out of the Ordinary (What’s something they don’t normally do with/for their s/o?)

He will not lie to you to make you feel better. Don’t go to Bakugou expecting a cheerful pick up when you’re in the wrong because he will not allow you to believe that you’re in the moral high ground when you’re wrong. This also means you can’t give him half explained stories, don’t start something with him expecting him to support you when it’s questionable if you’re in the right.

P = Playful (Are they playful in a relationship? If so, how do they play around/mess with their s/o?)

Oh he definitely is.

Every day comes a new sort of competition, some sort of race where the both of you need to express how the other one is better. Sometimes it seems like a fight match between the two of you, but you both know that it's all fun and games. He respects you and thinks of you highly so will always give it his all. And if he learns how to manipulate your body to get where he wants to be, so be it.

Q = Questions (Do they ask their s/o their opinion on things? Do they share theirs?)

Bakugou 100% asks for your opinion on things. If he’s sharing his thoughts that means he fully expects your opinion on it and ten reasons as to why you believe it. Your opinion is valued to him and he’s not arrogant enough to forget that your voice matters as well.

And Bakugou will always share his opinion, even sometimes when you don’t ask for it. He’s open and honest and always willing to give you the feedback you need. He respects and loves you too much to let you get away with a lie from him.

R = Random (How spontaneous is their relationship? Do they do things on the spot or plan ahead?)

Bakugou isn’t a spontaneous person, but life is just so out of control for him that most things while originally planned, end up being on the spot.

Like oh, our date night at this restaurant we planned was ruined because I had a last second call into the office that I couldn’t say no to, there's this little hole in the wall three blocks away if you want to go there instead?

He likes having an agenda, okay?

S = Sleep (How do they sleep with their s/o?)

On his own, Bakugou is a sprawler in his sleep. He turns left and right, flipping under the covers and kicking them off. He warns you of this well before sleeping in the same bed together, but when you finally get the chance to do it, he calms completely. He lays on his stomach, his head pressed into your stomach, an arm securely wrapped around your waist while he remains still at night. He’s a bit of a holder, even if he won’t admit it.

T = Trust (How much do they trust their s/o?)

Bakugou would not even admit to liking you should he not trust you.

Trust is the most important thing to Bakugou, if he can’t trust you then there’s no reason for him to be dating you.

He would willingly let you choose the fate of his life if that was an option.

U = Unique (What makes them unique as an s/o?)

He’s a complete novice to everything when you date him. You have to teach him a lot of things because he never really grew up with it and well, his parents have a very unique style of love so he thought that you would be dominating in every aspect and he had major qualms about that.

He is also somehow willing to try out everything with you without needing to be asked. So those sexy ballroom tango classes you saw one day? He’ll bitch the entire time before the class but will be the first out of the door to go to these events.

V = Vulnerable (How long until they can be vulnerable around their s/o? What are they like in this state?)

It takes awhile. While Bakugou trusts you completely, being vulnerable just isn’t him. He doesn’t like being vulnerable, so it takes a lot for him to just… break down and split open showing everything about him to you.

In this state he’s emotional and somehow emotionless. Tears soak his cheeks, his lips red and raw, hoarse voice, thick words. He looks like a mess and you don’t know how to fix it, but you guide him through it. He might not acknowledge how he was in this state later on, but he will thank you quietly one night.

Remind him that it’s okay to be vulnerable, he needs to be reminded.

W = Wild Card (Get a random domestic headcanon of the character of your choice)

He enjoys it when you do any of the boyfriend challenges from tiktok. Oh yes, this boy is well updated with the trending challenges thanks to Kaminari and he just waits around daily to see when or if you’ll do it to him. If not he’ll ask you why you aren’t doing it to him yet, and you just kinda ‘:O you want me to do that?!’

He also is super into spa nights. He will paint your toe nails, massage your body (as long as its reciprocated), and lounging with you with big fluffy towels, eating cucumbers with lemon and chile, and face masks on!

X = X-Ray (What would they do if their s/o got injured?)

Bakugou is a scary nurse. He just screams at you the entire time as to how stupid you are for getting injured, but will take care of you perfectly. And don’t you dare smile at him while he fluffs your pillow and make sure you feel 100% okay because he is MAD at you and you can’t be happy because he was scared shitless earlier! Oh yeah and you’re an idiot, and he made the soup slightly warmer than needed because he was so angry so let it cool down before you eat it, unless you want to burn yourself, which wouldn’t surprise him!

Y = Yuck (Do they have any pet peeves about their s/o? Are there any habits that might bother their s/o?)

When you don’t speak up. He doesn’t like it when you hold your opinions to yourself, he finds it aggravating and annoying. Speak up if things bother you, don’t be spineless especially around him.

He hates uncleanliness and lack of personal hygiene. Brush your teeth every day, shower when you need to! CLEAN YOUR DAMN ROOM!

Z = Zeal (Are they passionate as an s/o? Do they want or like passion?)

Bakugou Katsuki is in fact a passionate boyfriend, he just has his unique ways of showing it. He never wants you to feel like he doesn’t love you, or doesn’t feel so deeply about this relationship because he would damn the entire world for you. And yeah, he likes and wants the passion, but give him some time to be comfortable and adjust to your ideals of it!

NSFW under cut:

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Bakugou cums for the final time and he’s a panting shaking mess for a few minutes afterwards. He lays there in the cum, sweat, and other fluids while looking you in the eyes, his eyes heavy with exhaustion and love. He’ll press a kiss to whatever’s nearest before pushing off the bed to grab towels. He cleans himself off, and depending on how you’re doing will either clean you off or make you clean yourself off. Sometimes he takes you to bathe and other times he says goodnight, wraps you in your typical sleeping position and knocks out.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Bakugou's favorite body part of his (outside his cock) is definitely his arms and his shoulders. He’s got powerful arms and shoulders, they’re wide, sturdy, and thick. They look good, they’ve always looked good. But they look so much better with your desperate hands clinging onto his shoulders like some lifeline, his skin permanently scarred from your raking fingers when you cry his name… oh yeah, its definitely that.

Bakugou is a cultured man who loves tits, ass, and thighs equally. He loves seeing your breasts squeezing around his cock as he’s strapped to the bed, your mouth in a sly smirk because you won’t suck him off. Your ass? He really fucking loves slapping your ass as you lay against his lap, counting the number of spanks he’s given you. He loves how soft and how much it bounces with every smack. And your thighs? He loves when you’re riding his face or the way they tighten so powerfully around his waist.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Bakugou’s cum is as good as cum gets, if you ignore the weird spicy aftertaste to them on the occasions he eats spicy food. He loves having it splattered against your face, the thick milky liquid just dripping from your face while you look up at him with shining eyes. He also admits to enjoying kissing you after oral sex, the taste of intermixing cum and spit overwhelming him.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Bakugou is a panty thief, well really, anything he can get his hands on (even when you’re dating). He enjoys seeing you wandering around the room without your matching panty or bra, desperately trying to find the other set. It’s most definitely in his pocket at the time you can’t seem to find it, the fabric running between his fingers while telling you to just wear a mismatched one because he’s the only one gonna be seeing it anyways. Who you trying to impress???

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU VIRGIN BAKUGOU

He does not know what he’s doing, but he’s a fast adapter. He’ll be a complete booty for the first round and you can laugh for ages about it, but afterwards he’ll know what works and what doesn’t -- though sometimes…. Lol nvm

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying.)

Anything that shows off his strength.

Against the wall, wheelbarrow, anything, anything, anything that can show he’s sooo much stronger.

He also likes missionary too, he’s just the type okay??? Plus perfect access to his shoulders.

Reverse cowgirl.

Doggy style.

Anything where you’re pressed chest to chest, it just brings up the level of intimacy for Bakugou.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

This is serious.

Bakugou isn’t a joking person to begin with, and he doesn’t magically evolve a humor boner while he’s slamming into you.

I mean sure, the two of you can breathlessly laugh at things, but it’s not because you’re exchanging jokes -- you tried once and he just sorta… glared at you. If he wanted to laugh during sex he would rather die, this is serious to him, so be serious too.

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

His pubes are darker than his hair, but they’re in the same blond family.

They are also very well-groomed. He thought it was appropriate to make sure he wasn’t a wild untame bush before fucking you because he wasn’t sure how you liked it. He also likes it well groomed because less chaffing in his costume.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Bakugou is someone who thinks highly of sex, so he is 100% focused in on it while fucking you. There’s nothing on his mind except getting you to cum a big scream of his name. At times he can be romantic, he’s done the flowers on the bed before and thought it was completely fucking stupid. You know he loves you so, and if he loves you dearly why does he have to change the way he behaves during sex?

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Bakugou is an angry masturbator.

It was a great way to find release before you, long days at work crumbling over the second he was in the shower. But when the two of you finally do start dating and having sex he believes that it’s best to masturbate when the two of you aren’t in contact.

He unashamedly will call you and tell you talk, jacking off to the sound of you telling him about your day, unaware of what he was doing.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Switch - Bakugou will sub or dub

Brat - when Bakugou is a sub, be ready to tame him at all costs. He’s not an easy sub to handle before being tamed, but once you have him, he’s easy.

Degradation - he enjoys it both ways, he likes hearing his natural language bleed into the bedroom and seeing how it finally gets to you in a way that benefits him. But he also enjoys hearing the curse words used against him, done in the same manner and tenor only someone who knew everything about him could do.

Spanking/hitting - Its a time he can use his quirk, he enjoys seeing your bruised skin burning in ways that have you panting for more.

Sensory deprivation - forcing you to succumb to him entire, trusting that he does whats best is a head rush to him.

Sounding - ...he’s a bit of a masochist.

Biting/marking - he likes making sure everyone knows you belong to someone

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Dining room table.

Hallways before the room.

The bed.

Midoriya’s bed.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Good god, just stroke this man's ego and his boner will be flying sky high.

Gently run your fingers against his shoulder, whisper into his left ear while talking about trivial things, whatever you do, don’t let it on that you’re horny. Scrape your fingers against the nape of his neck, lips brushing against his raising skin.

This man is head over heels for you, and when you are so comfortable you are your true self around him (including wearing any sort of lingerie in the colors black, orange, or geen ((bonus points if its inspired from his hero costume))) he’ll be ready to bounce.

Calling him your hero.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

Whining.

Do not whine.

Now I don’t mean in a ‘you whined for his cock while he pulled away from your shuddering hole, you wanted him more’ but more like a ‘Katsuki please fuck me!!! You haven’t fucked me in so long and I need you cockkkkk!’ sorta way.

Its pathetic, he fucks you enough, stop that.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Short kings like Bakugou have to be good at eating out, it’s the law, congratulations.

He grows to be good at it, and loves to have you writhing in his arms, or better yet, have your fingers yanking at his scalp while you ride his face.

He kinda gets overwhelmed when you suck him off, years of screaming suck my cock just sort of desensitized him to the power behind the words, especially when its your mouth around his aching leaking cock. He loves having you meet his eyes, the threat of what’s to come if you look away bubbling in his veins while he presses his fingers to your throat, to feel his cock stretching that out

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

You guessed it, he’s a middle kinda man.

He spans on both ends, most of the time leaning towards the fast and rough sex because that’s his personality, but there are more than enough times where its slow and sensual that you remember.

He enjoys having you crying out a lot, sure, but there's more than enough instances where he enjoys having you pressing gently into the bed, fingers grasping your waist, cock pushing into you just enough to create the friction that you crave. Your fluttering eyes, soundless gasps, and sweaty foreheads pressed against each other.

Yup, yup, he likes that so much better but won’t admit it.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Doesn’t enjoy quickies, he feels like they’re half-assed versions of sex, sure, its exhilarating to see how fast you can possibly make each other cum, but it’s not as fun. Not enough moaning, contact, or pleasure that presents itself in quickies as a proper sex session gives.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Bakugou doesn’t mind experimenting, he’s super big on the ‘try it once to see if you like it, go on from there’ sort of mentality so he’s tried it all. Something are a bit of a long term discussion, anything ass play took some time for him to consider, and then allow you to try out in bed. But he does try anything you’re up for as long as you give the same energy back about the things he wants to try.

Risks… depends on what you consider to be a risk.

Fucking in public? Hell no, Bakugou aint gonna fuck you in public, risking his reputation and yours, just so you can milk him of his seed.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Stamina for fucking days son.

One round is a warm up for him. He’s used to sweating, used to fighting with every ounce of energy in his body for up to thirty minutes and walking away without so much as a sore shoulder. Fucking you is like a typical patrol without villains for him. He can go plenty upon plenty of rounds. Although, he is pretty easy to make cum.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Toys were sort of a weird subject to bring in, only because Bakugou insisted that he could do everything that a toy could do and better. After a month of arguing that no, he could not do what a toy could do, you finally caved and went to a sex shop.

He was mistaken, he can’t do everythiing a toy can do, and good god do you guys own literally everything on the planet.

Toys are meant to be shared, even Bakugou isn’t that stingy to implement that!

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Bakugou hates hates hates being on the receiving end of teasing. Okay, ‘not like don’t ever do it’ hate it but in a ‘i hate what it does to me’ hate it. He hates feeling inferior, on his knees begging for you to do something more than just teasing while his cock throbs on his stomach.

But oh does he love teasing. His thumb pressing down on your bottom lip, watching while your eyes are hazy in need, babbling words pouring from your mouth while he teases the shit out of you until finally giving you what you need, what you want.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Bakugou is not quiet outside of the bed, and he is definitely not quiet in bed.

He’s definitely someone who makes the rougher noises in bed, the throaty growls, puffing breathes. He’ll moan in your ear, growl by your throat, hiss against your skin. He makes every noise in the world he isn’t afraid of shit. He feels good and the entire fucking world will know if he has to.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Bakugou is a bit of a masochist, like a slight, slight masochist.

He enjoys when you're sadistic with him, pulling his hair, and sounding. Tear at his skin, make him bleed, make him beg. He’s a hero because he can stand back up even after being hit, he must like it just the tiniest bit.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Six inches soft, seven inches hard. Thickiest fucking dick you’ve seen though, that shit be like |||| thiccc ya feel? Curves upwards, and lots of veins on dat bitch.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Definitely not as high as everyone wants it to be.

His sex drive is actually pretty average, not too high, not too low. He does get horny pretty quickly because you know how to work him, but he doesn’t walk around being half hard all the time.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Bakugou is most definitely asleep five minutes after climaxing. Most fuck sessions happen after dark so it works out just fine. In the rare times it happens in public, or in the morning he won’t fall asleep but he’s a bit spacey for about thirty minutes.

#bakugou x reader #bnha #bnha x reader

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ephemerlskies · 4 years

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constant craving 04 (final) | jjk

⇢ pairing: jungkook x reader

⇢ genre: “drabble” series, best friends to lovers au, slight angst, FLUFF, bestfriend!au, unrequited love, smarter idiots but still idiots all the same

⇢ word count: 6.8k

⇢ warnings: explicit language, mentions of alcohol, excessive drinking (drink responsibly), pining, jungkook is an overdramatic baby, a surplus of feelings (i am disgusted with myself), one (1) fire hazard

⇢ summary: with the Friendiversary approaching quickly, both you and Jungkook have an array of trials to navigate through. and, as Seokjin gets caught in the crossfires, you must finally make a decision that will define how the rest of your life will unfold.

♪ playlist: constant craving - k.d. lang, bad religion - frank ocean, misunderstood - lucky daye, neu roses - daniel caesar ♪

╰ series index: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 (final)

a/n: wow.... so bitches really call this a drabble series then write a 6 thousand word finale... its me im bitches... anywho, i really love the way this played out!! jungkook had to hit the bottom to start rising to the top and it shows. also, the ending is like....... hehe well ill just let you all see for yourselves. enjoy my lovely readers! this wrapped up such a heartfelt series that is so dear to my heart. thank you all for the support for this! and i might whip up a few drabbles simply because i think this relationship is really cute hehe ok... happy reading! <3

part four: i love you too

Carrying that music box in his pocket felt like a well-deserved and all too grim reminder of what went down a few days ago. Sitting drunk yet again, though one would best describe Jungkook’s posture as more of a sloven pile of flesh and bones withering away on a bar stool, he searched for the wallet which was in one of his four pockets.

He reached for the wrong one. Instead of the faux leather skimming his skin, it was a solid wood corner pricking the pad of his index finger. It stung more than it should have. Perhaps he'd gotten a splinter, or the top layer of his skin was simply too raw from all the wear and tear of your fight. Jungkook wasn’t one to jump at such negligible shocks, but it sank him back into that night. It wasn't the wooden corner at all.

You loved him. You still love him.

That's what you said. That's what nearly put him on the floor instead of in his chair, and what had been preying on his mind as if he were no different than a helpless animal drowning his regrets in whiskey. And he knew he should have said it back.

Jungkook theorized ways to defy the cruel restraints of time, and if the universe would be so kind as to allow him to travel back to that day in middle school when he happened upon a scared, flush-faced student running so fast and panicked that they bumped into each other, just to be the one who said 'I love you' first. Or those genies and shooting stars and blessed fountains that supposedly granted wishes; he would pay no hesitation to plead with whatever deity would listen and permit his most prioritized desire.

The retrospective bargaining remained a ghost haunting just about every waking moment of his life. Though, he had not been quite sure if said ghost was some cosmic sent presence or simply his own guilt. If regret took on physical ramifications, then Jungkook would have been convinced that was why he felt as if his legs wouldn't have been able to carry him even if he tried.

If I could just go back to that night with the knowledge I know now, I would have hauled my ass to your house instead of that club and told you that my choice was made for me the moment I met you. Every other person I ended up with these past twelve years was simply a buffer for loving you. I had to prepare myself, because loving you was something entirely too tremendous for a boy still grappling with his own faulty speech pattern to assume.

I wish you knew that. I wish I didn’t stand there like an idiot and let you leave, thinking me some hero for finally letting this new guy Seokjin take the place I had always imagined being in. I wish I had just said that I love you.

I love you.

I love you, ___.

Jungkook’s vision resembled that of a smudged lens. However, there were no fingerprints on his eyes. The world had turned blurry and colorless, the latter he knew was not due to the sixth order of whiskey he let soak into his heart’s open wound.

A life of color was one of the many things that left when you did.

He didn’t know it then, but Jungkook was being fervently dramatic since it had not been more than seventy-two hours the last time he spoke to you. Thought to him, it was akin to being just short of death and taking another breath would have been an expense he wasn’t sufficiently funded to pay.

Whatever happened in the interim of him paying his tab and walking out onto the sidewalk must have landed somewhere in the blacked out stretches of his inebriated memory, since he was now staring at your contact gleaming on his phone bearing the semblance of one guardian angel.

It was so ingrained into his routine. Opening the app with the phone icon, clicking the ‘recent’ tab, and finding your name no further than three contacts down the list because he called you as if he had important things to tell you, though normally it was just to hear your voice or to tell you about what he had for lunch. And it nestled into his muscle memory as natural as it was for him to breathe or blink. Even when alcohol debilitated his driving, walking, and thinking, his body was drawn to seek a haven such as yourself. And he nearly pressed ‘call’.

Before the comfort of your voice could ring through to his phone, reality descended upon that reflex. Right now, you were probably with Seokjin, attending some pretentious art gallery for one of his colleagues.

It was just Jungkook and the night sky and the moon that he hoped you were gazing at too; it would be the only connection to you as of now. The moon, a parcel for the most longing gazes.

There are stories where the two protagonists get it right. This was not that story. That reality stung more than the residual burn of whiskey clinging along his throat.

Both you and Jungkook made every wrong decision possible. From the moment you subjected yourself to exploiting the veneer of being a ‘good friend’ to disguise any true feelings that might have taken light, to the moment Jungkook was presented with all the excruciatingly obvious signs that you were in love with him, but was simply too inept to notice, to the both of you neglecting any urge threatening the bounds of platonic. Any path that would have steered to a destination where you two would get that happy ending was conveniently untaken.

And you had a long journey riddled with heartbreak after heartbreak to prove it.

He traded his phone with that wooden music box, scuffing the soles of his shoe as he walked back home, hoping he’d be able to give the gift to you on your Friendiversary.

-----

Your pain was still raw. In this way, you had not considered, or rather avoided the idea of tending to such delicate wounds. The days leading up to the infamous anniversary had been spent hoping you would organically heal enough to allow the presence of Jungkook while denying another reopening in your wound.

You had been juggling a not so thrilling number of conflicts the three days preceding that self-acclaimed national holiday.

One, Seokjin and his bottomless supply of invitations that you felt too obligated to refuse. He had such a life packed with plans which is more than you could have said for Jungkook. He, most likely, busied himself with promoting ranks in some obscenely violent video game. Two, a mutual friend of yours had told you Seokjin was fixing to make your relationship official this coming Friday, and you didn’t want to admit the lackluster reaction upon hearing the news was equivalent to receiving a C on a test. It wasn't the worst grade to receive, but you knew there would always be something better than adequacy. Not satisfying enough nor disappointing enough to be dealt with without bending a few expectations. And three, all you really wanted, the only agent of excitability (both good and bad) that diluted the festering numbness in your heart just a tad more, was thinking about seeing Jungkook on your Friendiversary.

But with that excitement, was its equally worrying constituent: whether or not you would be able see Jungkook that day without cracking under pressure.

Things weren’t exactly attuned between the two of you. Your emotional stature had never been more unsynchronized and offkey with Jungkook’s, so, forcing a celebratory movie or dinner would be no different than adding cornstarch to the already thick tension.

“___? Are you listening?” Everything Seokjin had just been droning on about filtered in and out without a single word being absorbed, and you could have pretended this wasn't the case but stress had apprehended caring enough to lie.

“Sorry… No, I wasn't. I’m just stressed is all.” Since that was only a half lie, self-admonition had not yet taken permanent residency whenever you would look at Seokjin’s eyes offering nothing but genuine tact.

“Oh, sorry to hear! Are you okay? Anything you wanna talk about?” That, and the soft press of his hand over yours had swallowed you into a perpetual, guilty cycle of comparing two incomparable people.

Seokjin was always like this. Serving a gentle smile and honest ears as a vessel of calmness during whatever calamity you were grappling. It was safe knowing if you fell, you’d have a comfortable cushion to soften the impact. He was mindful with his words and had the intelligence to articulate them with impressive eloquence. You were more likely to see pigs fly than to see him stutter. He had a diverse group of friends and walked a steady path to a financially secure life. And you started to wonder what else one would need in a partner? Any sensible person would do much more than you had to snag someone like Seokjin, as handsome as he was kind and respectful. He seemed to have everything Jungkook lacked, including mutual feelings for you.

It would have been entirely too easy to pick him, as if there was a ‘Seokjin’ button and a ‘Jungkook’ button and you could press Seokjin’s on a whim. If choosing him would have meant miraculous nullification of all your very real and very unremitting feelings for that idiot you called your best friend, then you would have done it in a heartbeat.

There wasn't a 'Seokjin' button or a 'Jungkook' button, nor was there a button that would wondrously redistribute your feelings towards Seokjin.

And then there was Jungkook. Always in the back of your mind when he wasn't tenanting the focus of it.

He was never predictable in the ways that mattered. It was just as difficult figuring out his next move as figuring out whether this trait was exciting or exhausting.

Though, this had not been to say you didn’t know him well; in fact, all his habits and preferences and pet peeves could be bound into a book, written by you, and it would be so accurate anyone who read it would think it was an autobiography. He knew you to the same caliber. Where Seokjin would ask what was wrong, Jungkook wouldn’t need to. He already learned your behavior to know to say something along the lines of ‘tell me what’s wrong when you're ready, we can watch your favorite movie or swing by that Chinese place with those great fried dumplings in the meantime’. And on more favorable occasions, he'd say nothing and simply wrap you in his arms and let his shirt become a delta for your tears.

To anyone else, that might sound entirely too frank and perhaps a bit dismissive to be comforting, but to you it was the exact cure for each affliction. To never need explanations that would validate your feelings because Jungkook saw to that right when he took notice; to never manufacture fake smiles through failed attempts at cheering you up since, of course, he knew exactly what to do to vegetate joy in your heart and earn a smile from years and years —and years— of practice. It had almost driven you mad, thinking about how he knew from a shift in your brow what you were feeling and yet, somehow, never realized how deeply in love you were.

All the while, the moment you were convinced you had been versed fluently in his every move, he would pawn another blindsight that would leave you breathless and amazed all the same. Jungkook always had concealed tricks up his sleeve, and life was anything but repetitive with him. You would more often than not find yourself struggling to relearn language and existing itself just to keep up with him. How exactly he managed to wield such diametric facets of being was an enigma beyond the reasoning of this universe.To feel like home, somewhere you belonged outside of your own body, and a daring voyage into a completely new world all at once must have meant he was some sort of Godsend. Only angels could have sculpted a soul so magnetizing, you assumed.

Seokjin was an umbrella, shielding you on some arcane journey under an unforgiving rainfall. Your shoes kept dry and your hair intact.

And if he was the umbrella, then Jungkook was the rain. Falling everywhere and all at once, so that you couldn't help but let yourself be saturated in his entire, vibrant being. And who’s to say letting such a water fall against your skin was a bad thing? Sometimes rain is cleaning, gentle even. They bear fruits as beautiful as rainbows that guide you to an unnamed treasure.

Your treasure, however, had a name.

Jungkook calling.

"___? Hello? You in there?" Seokjin waved his hand in front of your face mostly in a jesting manner, but part of him felt like your eyes were blinded by something held in your heart. If he hadn’t pulled you back into reality, you might have been lost forever.

“I'm just…” Your attention had abandoned this conversation the second his name gave light to your screen. “Sorry, um…”

“It's okay, you can take the call. I’ll be in the kitchen making us some coffee.”

If you were to thank him profusely, it would have been far too obvious how much you missed seeing his name among your notifications, and most likely expose how often you spent thinking of Jungkook while you were supposed to be enthralled with Seokjin. So, you just nodded and answered the phone.

Nodding and answering, as though that didn't feel like taking a breath of clean air after hours of swimming through muddied waters.

“Hello? ___?”

“Jungkook.” It took you longer than usual to form a response and what was assembled had been a half-baked utterance just to let him know you were on the other side of the phone, hearing his voice and feeling a surge of energy course through your veins like he was some delicious narcotic filling life into you after only a week without him.

“___.” Jungkook was in his own debt of words as well. The exchange halted for a few seconds, a jaded breathing cutting the cracked static.

“Look-”

“Hey so-”

Any hope that you had finally caught up to the same page as Jungkook was lost. Now, it seemed you two were reading entirely different books.

“You go.” You said after another dreadful pause. He was the one who called, so he should be the one carrying the burden of navigating through this deafening tension.

“Well, I- uh… I… Well, you see I was just, um, wondering…” Jungkook’s heart must have shut off. That would explain why even the most rudimentary of words felt closer to a foreign language. Or, why he was making conscious efforts to counteract the threat of his nearly dormant lisp.

His brain was drained dry of any blood, his inner mechanisms were shutting down. Even without the alcoholic filter catching words and common sense in its web, Jungkook felt himself fall into an overactive state of dumbfoundedness. Sobriety only a cataract for his emotional override.

“Our friendiversary?”

“I’m sorry, I did not understand literally anything you just said.”

“Me neither.”

The charming and familiar laugh that spilled through the speaker reminded you that Jungkook was in fact a real person. Not some figmented embodiment of every lost and unrequited and tortuous feeling you had been suppressing for twelve years. Jungkook was real, his laugh and everything else you loved about him were all so incredibly real. And more importantly, the pure joy you felt was real; a permanent serialization of his. Your smiles and his smiles had always surfaced in tandem.

Now, you both were laughing. Neither were warranted by his messy attempt at forming a coherent sentence. The weight of discomfort shedding from your shoulders had been partnered with a slew of relieved chuckles.

“Anyway, um. I- I still wanna see you on our Friendiversary. Or, at least give you your gift.” Admitting that was terrifying but the thought of breaking the consecutive streak of eleven years simply because he was too much of a coward to admit he wanted to see you dizzied him. However, the thought of spending your friendiversary alone terrified him beyond comprehension. So, he thought not about that as a possibility; he carved an opening to his heart in hope you wouldn’t send sharp thorns of rejection into it.

“Yeah, I, uh. I still wanna see you too. I mean, it is a national holiday. We gotta have holiday spirit, right?” You were forcing playful banter, it felt like lemon juice scouring cuts on your tongue, but you were so desperate to make things between you two feel normal.

“You’re right! So, um… You can come over tomorrow night. I’ll set up a surprise or whatever.” He seemed to have fallen back into stride with pre-confession Jungkook. Trying to keep up with him now would just exhaust you of all your means, so you chose to save the rest for tomorrow night. Even if that meant watching him walk away to some unforeseeable finish line; his back, the last part of him you’d see until you could finally collect your broken pieces and start walking as well.

“Sounds good! I’ll, um, see you then.”

“See you, ___.”

You had no idea, and how could you, that Jungkook was now wiping small clusters of wetness from the bed of his eyelids. Why he thought you, the one person that remained a constant in his life, would say no to him over one fight (of many) made for quite the spill of tears. But if you did know, you would have told him you felt like crying too.

"Hey! How did everything go?" You were so immersed in your virtual conversation with Jungkook you nearly forgot the person you were presently with. The train of guilt wouldn't stop for your pathetic attempts at disembarking.

"Oh! Thanks for the coffee." You sipped, and it had just been a stall to blink away the tears that were straying beyond your will of concealment. "It went good. We're still celebrating our Friendiversary."

"Friendiversary?" Seokjin's light chuckle veiled his tense concern.

"Yeah... Uh, it's just this thing we do to celebrate our friendship. The day we met."

"Oh... that's..." His eyes were scaling the rim of his mug.

"That's what, Seokjin?" You were stern, knowing well enough it was born of far more than platonic defensiveness. And you had no right to be the one prosecuting him since you clearly had more to hide than meets the eye.

"I mean, it's just interesting how dedicated you are to an anniversary with a friend." Seokjin wielded that soft-spoken voice which made it difficult to be anything but patient with him. And from the tone of it, he seemed to have no ill intentions with that statement, though it had not been an entirely innocent observation. To you, however, it felt like he might as well have set you on fire.

"Interesting? What is that supposed to even mean? I mean, we've been friends for twelve years. I- I don't know why people are always so judgmental." Your arms crossed over your chest, hoping he would take notice how much his comment slighted you. If asked, you would have insisted you would have been this worked up over any of your friends. Though you knew well enough this was untrue, and it made you feel even worse acting as though Seokjin was the one at fault here.

"I'm sorry. I'm not judging you, really. I just... I just have never heard of two friends doing something like that so religiously."

You sighed out all your anger, knowing the way you snapped at him was merely misdirected frustration. "No, I'm sorry. I know it's kinda weird."

"Look, I get it. You guys are close. But, ___, you talk about him so much that half, no, over half of your stories include him. We've been dating for, what, barely a week now, and I know more about this Jungkook guy than I know about you, and I haven't even met him."

Lips parted, ready to dispatch another slew of defenses to refute all the things he said. It was more disappointing than it was shocking to find nothing but a long sigh emerging. Because he was right. Jungkook has been interwoven so thoroughly in your last twelve years that if you only told the stories without him in it, then it would be the least accurate and nondescript retelling of your life. Fragments of an unfinished novel. It would miss the most crucial pieces, entire chapters, of your story.

You would have been presenting a shell of you, hollow and one dimensional. All the inner parts of you, the lungs and veins and tissue that gave you life and made you whole belonged solely with Jungkook.

That's why you sat there, blank faced, foolishly waiting for the words that wouldn't come to your aid because you had no place to contend with him.

"Seokjin... I'm with you..." It's all that would come up your throat, and it felt like acid. You were sure it burned his ears when he heard them more than it had your throat.

It hadn’t even been partially true. Physically you were with him, but in your head you were sitting on your couch with Jungkook, consuming a concerning amount of junk food while chatting through a movie used more as background noise than entertainment.

"Okay. Does that mean you don't have feelings for him?"

"Well..."

"Can you confidently say you could replace all the time you spend with him with time you would spend with me?" Seokjin must have noticed your returning tears because he loosened his verbal grip from your throat. To you, it sounded like he was pacifying you for some horrible sin, to anyone else it sounded as though he was simply trying to dredge up feelings that would disrupt the chance of a relationship between you and him. "___, I like you. I really do, but in all honesty, I'm looking for something serious. I think we would be great together, but only if you don't have any feelings left for him."

"Seokjin..." You regretted looking at him.

Sweetness was strewn in his eyes and gentle smile. Seokjin was softer than cotton, which made the real threat, the rough sandpaper wearing away skin and bones, you. It made it all the more painful to know you had been keeping everything you felt for Jungkook hidden from Seokjin. Though, if one would have presented an objective point of view, your feelings were far from secretive. And the most brutal honesty was that you knew feelings for Seokjin were never in your attainability. Not the way they always had been for Jungkook.

He was the wrong person who crossed paths with you at the right moment. A mere convenience. And you knew he deserved much more than what you had to offer.

"And maybe I'm being an idiot, but I like you too much to give you some ultimatum which would put you in such an unfair position. So, I'll let you think this over." His compassion felt more like a sharp blow to your chest. “No pressure.”

If he hadn’t smiled like he did, then you would have broken up with him right then and there. It was not possible to rip away such tender hope away from a smile so sweet.

"I'm sorry." You meant the remorse behind those words and it still hadn’t amounted to a proper consolation. "I'm sorry. I guess... I guess I'll go... Seokjin?”

“Yes?” He replied quickly, and you knew only a pace that rapid was one brought on by a sliver of faith that you might have made your decision right then.

“You’re a really great person. You deserve the world.”

Unfortunately, you couldn’t give him what he wanted. And as bitter and unkind as that might have felt at the moment, it was the only bit of truth and relent you could have offered him.

-----

In your bed, sleep became somewhat of an abstract desire. You knew your rest was deprived from you when the digital clock on your bedside told you it was six hours past the time you'd normally fall asleep. It was because you really did have a choice to make now.

To choose Seokjin, and know you'd collapse in the safety of his reciprocated affection, though haunted by how you would never feel the fullest extent of content. And you would live with that until resentment and distance wedged irreversible damage in your relationship.

Or, to choose Jungkook, which would catapult you into a depth so dark and tenuous that you would have no idea whether you'd meet gentle snow or hard, deadly concrete when you landed. And maybe you'd never land at all; maybe you would be caught in a state of falling down and down forever, until your beating heart eventually stilled.

Which one was worth it? Which were you willing to risk? These were the questions that kept you awake.

The hours leading to your undisclosed celebration events with Jungkook ceased being actual points of your existence and merely obstructions that you had to plow through in order to arrive at some conclusive moment. Something that might give you an answer to all your questions. Something that might have released you from devotedly checking your phone for a Jungkook patented text or call.

You were turning into a half-being. Someone who could only inhale a full breath, laugh an intentional laugh, and sleep a soundless sleep when their other half was there.

If you thought being in love with Jungkook for your entire friendship was pathetic, then you couldn’t fathom what you had become now.

Standing in front of his door, the same one you lugged him to that night he was too drunk to balance on his feet, when you willingly carried all the weight he couldn’t, when your lips became acquainted and comfortable with his within half a beat, you felt as if this chunk of wood was mocking you. A partition barricading you from Jungkook. Your Jungkook. The man you always felt you were on the outskirts of, with only a window to peer into his unreadable mind. And that was enough for you ―until now.

Now you were going to knock on that door with your hand, make him open it for you, and walk into his home. You would be the one to step foot inside of the very structure that only solicited closed doors and immovable walls and fogged windows. And you would leave behind your timidity, every feeling and urge that left you with disappointing compromises for the sake of maintaining this friendship.

You would be selfish, and he would finally feel a mere glimpse of what you have always felt for the best and worst of your life.

Even when he opened the door, arming a smile that actively disarmed you, this home of his was yours to conquer. This was your time to act for you alone, despite how many smiles he sent your way. You had not any weapons or shields or an infantry for a clutch. You just had your heart and all the love it carried.

“Hey! ___, you look… You look great.” There was no real incentive for him to censor how he truly thought you looked. Immeasurably beautiful. It was simply his own nerves impeding on the feelings that were too intense to express without it being followed by an entire soliloquy of I love you’s.

“Thanks... You too...” You could almost feel the words brimming in your and Jungkook’s mouth, carrying such raw emotions and longing intentions.

"I'm really glad that- Jungkook..." Walking into his house punctuated what you were about to say.

His living room was strewn with enough candles to steal the last of your words and to consider his house a fire hazard. That didn't negate this lovely sea of lights to be anything but romantic and thoughtful. A bit cluttered, and not at all perfect, but it must have taken Jungkook hours to set up every wax column. The thoughtfulness of this gesture would have astonished you had it not been for the consistency of Jungkook snatching your breath and words away whenever he tried. It was antithetical, the way you expected his surprises. Yet, always surprised all the same.

Unpredictable, completely surrounding you just like the rain.

"I had to turn off my fire detector but... Worth it." Jungkook considered the number of mishaps that could have dampened any chance of this being romantic.

A candle could tip over and set his entire place ablaze, the wax could leak onto his carpet and tabletops, damaging his furniture and savings for replacements, you and he could have suffocated from all the fumes steaming from the wick. But if that look on your face didn't feel like the only bit of revival to keep his heart's steady beating, if your eyes didn’t look as though it was the only set of eyes that shed beauty into this world then he wouldn't have used up exactly three lighters to pull this stunt. But it did, and he felt warmth and color return to every inch of his body.

He would have used hundreds of lighters to ignite thousands of candles if that meant an ounce of happiness from you. He wanted to say that, but he knew the candles said it for him.

The spectacle almost made you forget why you were here in the first place. It almost made you forget the resolve you managed to gather before entering. And then he said your name.

"___."

The letters flowing from his lips as if they could only be pronounced by his tongue. It sounded so good. So good, that if anyone else were to say it then it wouldn't have been your name at all. It would have sounded wrong, sullied. And it wasn't supplied by neat articulation, this new belonging of your name in his mouth. The need for him to sculpt your name into this world was more than that. "I will never forgive myself if I don't get this out while I still can."

"Jungkook, what is all this?" You didn't know why you felt a collection of tears brimming along your eyes, but you didn't care to figure it out. Perhaps you felt an influx of feelings, an abundance too heavy for your body to seal within the confines of your emotional seams, so they overflowed in the form of tears. This certainly had not been the first time you cried over Jungkook, but you had never cried over him like this.

"___, I love you!" Jungkook said loudly. It was just you and him who could hear, but it felt as though he wanted the entire world to know.

"What? I- You- What?" Your lack of verbal poise was indicative of your love for him once again taking the reins of your mind and heart. Words were a luxury you couldn't afford as of now. You just had to feel everything you were feeling until the rainstorm settled. The hope that he would spare you some remnants of fluency was far along, and you weren't too sure if what Jungkook was about to say would be gentle enough to leave you with any words at all.

"I love you. I don't know why I didn't know it sooner. Or maybe, I- Maybe I did know?" Jungkook sighed at his own ineloquence. "I'm stupid! That's it. That's my only excuse. I'm so stupid. The way I felt about you, the way I still feel about you, is something I thought all best friends had. I thought everyone felt like the moments they weren't spending with their best friends just felt like filler moments. Like, every day I spent without you was just a span of time I had to wait out until I see you again. Like every damn moment of my life is spent waiting for you. And if I don't end up with you then... then I'll never stop waiting."

"Jungkook, I-" He prevailed in surprising you, taking words and breath and thoughts all at once.

"And, I'm that stupid! I really thought all best friends had those moments when they stare at you, and- and-" Now, you weren't the only one with wet eyes and cheeks. "And I just feel like looking at you and being with you just makes me better. It makes me a better person, or something, and it makes me feel like... Like I'll never get hurt again. And even if I do get hurt, I know it's you I want to be there. I know that whenever something bad happens to you, or when you feel like crying or when you're happy or angry or anything that I want to be the one who gets to be by your side. When I look at you, all I want is to love you. To love all your pain away."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes! God, I love you." You didn't notice how it happened, but Jungkook's arms became a shield around you. Inside his arms you were indestructible. Your hands pressed against his cheeks, memorizing the plush, smooth skin. The world could hurl all the fire and ice it had, but it wouldn’t matter. "___, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I'm sorry that in that period, I hurt you. Please, forgive me. I love you, and I want to be with you."

"Of course, I forgive you. I... I can't believe this." Hearing everything you always wanted from him was drastically different when it was actually unfolding. It was a million times more than any hope or dream you used as a salve for your longing. It was everything.

"Maybe it took so long because I was afraid. Because the idea of loving you was something I wasn't ready for. Even though I did love you, God, who was I to take on something as fragile and crucial as loving you. I know I probably would have messed it up. And, fuck, maybe I'm messing it up right now. But I just needed it to be perfect. I needed loving you to be perfect because I don't want to give you anything less than that."

"You were always enough for me, Jungkook. More than enough. You were and are everything to me" His arms that pressed you further into him expressed how happy that made him.

"But I'm not perfect yet. I might mess up... A lot. No, I'll definitely mess up. I don't know if I can offer you perfect yet. But I do know that through everything I have never stopped loving you and I will never stop loving you."

"Jungkook... I don't know what to say." Your thumb grazed a falling tear from his face. Jungkook had not cried often in front of you; and you could tally up the amount of times he had on your fingers alone. But when he did, it was still as beautiful as when he was smiling or laughing or even scowling.

"You could say you love me back." You did. You loved him, his smile that was currently on a mission to melt your heart, his arms that carried both the good and bad parts of you, his wit that you always relished in. All the reasons to love him were an endless flowing river. If you were lucky enough, you would catch a glimpse of each beautiful current and be able to give name to the gravity that pulled you into him.

"I love you too, you idiot." The last word caught in your throat because your lips were being kissed instead.

His lips. Warm and exciting, allotting your being with an infinite devotion of his. And it was more than you could have ever hoped for.

It felt like fire. Like a grove of candles encapsulating the origin of heat. You and Jungkook, holding each other so close, you could have become one. Hot and all-consuming of anything in its path. If one stood too close, they would suffer scorching embers that stray from the orange pyres. Seokjin, Irene, and any other unassuming casualty that had the misfortune of stepping between the two of you, harboring the burn scars to remind them of what fumed from their interference.

Every element concocting between you and him was that of a bright flame, cremating pure metals and wet woods and thick forests alike.

You were in his home. His arms and lips and hands told you it was your home as well. All that time spent wondering why you could never slip inside before was never because he didn't want to let you in. And the thing is, you never thought to knock until now. You sat outside in a silenced hope that he would voluntarily open that door for you. But unknown to you, Jungkook seemed to be waiting as well. Waiting in a large room with empty spaces where you belonged and where he kept reserved for your residence alone.

He waited even when he wasn't quite sure of who he was waiting for, or if you would ever actually spill your warmth into his home. He waited until his fingers turned to ice and his eyes fell to exhaustion, for you to walk inside.

"So, you're like my boyfriend now?" Your voice brushed against his smiling lips.

"Yeah, your boyfriend, or whatever."

"You know this means you have to top next year's friendiversary. And I mean, all these candles? That's gonna be tough." It could have counted as sensory overload, the feeling of his palms flush against your back, the tip of his nose grazing yours, the bright array of candles illuminating the room. But you were so, incredibly cold without him that this felt like solace to you.

"When have I ever disappointed you?" Jungkook regretted what came out of his mouth too late to stop himself from saying it.

"Oh, I couldn't count the amount of times on my fingers alone! What about that time you forgot our chains for the tires on our trip to the mountains? We almost died." His eye roll only encouraged you to continue. Maybe, if you were lucky, he'd equip that cute pout whenever he wanted his way. "Or what about when you swore you brought water, but three miles in on our hike you had that look on your face. You know I reminded you to get water and you swore you did. Or what about-"

"Okay! I get it! I fuck up, jeez." He scrunched his nose, his eyes waning into crescents courtesy of that grin of his. You counted the number of wrinkles along the bridge of his nose as you always did, though you had acquired an expertise in the geography of his face. Each line and angle and ridge were now and eternally yours to restudy and marvel. "Hey, uh, almost forgot."

He reached into his front left pocket. "I, um, kept carrying it around thinking I'd see you somewhere. Kinda dumb right?"

"Not dumb." You opened the tiny box, wound the handle until the spring felt tight and you could see the throngs prick the textured wheel, and it was one of those moments where you didn't see a gift in your hand. You simply saw his thought and sentiment manifested as a box of wood that sung a tune.

All the things Jungkook wanted to give you, the sun and the moon and the entire universe were not his to give. So for now, he settled for this music box and there would be a day when he would collect each celestial being and place them right into your hands. Maybe then, he would feel less of a debt for possessing such a love like yours.

"This is... I love it. Thank you, Jungkook." You smiled, but it was motivated in the hopes he would smile back. You thought he deserved that much, at least. And he did.

"Sooooo... Can I tell Seokjin that you're actually in love with me and that he sucks ba-"

"Um, absolutely not!" As always, his crudeness and slight inability to remain mature for too long only wedged you deeper in love.

So, terribly in love. Your state of constant craving for Jeon Jungkook had been left barren. That desolate, solitary province was no longer yours to take residence in.

You had a home now. And you had no need to crave Jungkook anymore. He was right here, holding you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

a/n: okay, cry with me.... these two.... such hopeless saps for each other i'm here for it. final destination is simp city... also (spoiler) it is completely canon that irene and seokjin bond over their mutual heartbreaks and get to smitten hehehe. anyway, my loves i hope you enjoyed this finale as much as i enjoyed writing it!!! it was a short but heartfelt journey with these two and i will miss their idiocy sm. thank u for your endless support i love u all!!! <3

#bangtanarmynet #ficswithluv #btsgoldnet #bts fanfic #bts x reader #bts angst #bts fluff #bts writing #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook bestfriend!au #jungkook angst #bts series #jungkook bestfriendstolovers!au #jungkook series #constant craving #rubycoast

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maplecourtesy · 3 years

Text

TAZ:G NOTES, EPISODE 38

god okay. it’s finale time. this ones a long one im both very scared and very excited. the setup they did in the last episode was SO cool i’m very hyped for this

OKAY OKAY WE ARE STARTING.

and going STRAIGHT into a boss battle with CHAOS BUILD CHARACTERS this is so sick

[most of the content under the cut, because spoilers!!]

CAN I JUST SAY, THE USE OF THE WORD HERO IN THE EPISODE DESCRIPTION VS TRAVIS’ EXPOSITION BEFORE THE BATTLE. “we need some heroes.” vs “at some point in the past this might have been a job for a hero. but not now, not anymore.” i love that. so much. ive said it before and ill say it again one of the sexiest parts of grad is the way they redefined heroes and villains.

oh right holy shit chaos and order shouldn’t have been able to exist together,, chaos and order are at such ends now that theyve completely split,, chaos no longer relies on order thats so sexy

RELEASE THE KRAKEN VERY POGGERS ACTION NAME they r so cool and powerful i love them

IMAGINE taking 20 damage from fitzroy just being in ur VICINITY

oh i forgot about gray he and althea are there right

BIG SNIPPERS??!??!!?!? BIG SNIPPERS. MY BABY BOY I LOVE HIM.

im so tired of order can they do something cool instead of blinding the one pc who’s not even gotten a turn yet

FUCK SHIT UP ARGO awesome thats 66 damage good for him he is JUST like loki

hey this ethereal music kinda vibes

everyone is kittens. hm.

ENJOY THESE MEOW-TEORS meow

i am very happy about all the meowing but also i think its very funny that justin said hes gonna dislike any firbolg art he sees

FURBOLG

fitzroy kitty cat rage…. what are we even doing here whats going on

i wish that grays first epic move wasnt as a kitten but i can work with this

FITZROY GIVES GRAY HIS MAUL??? i think this is the peak of the sibling dynamic between them. bickering and complaining but cooperating when it really matters

GOD. how are we having every fucking cartoon trope in one battle. u guys know in cartoons when they like get put through some beam and u see into different universes or whatever and theyre cats and they have a body swap and maybe theres a sock puppets one. this is that.

GRIFFIN FIRBOLG IMPRESSION

maplekeeners stay winning

argo does a sexy graceful reverse dive but he also looks like fitzroy so thats fitzroy. good.

NOW THEYRE THE REAL GUYS. i hate this

cannot believe im listening to justin mcelroy roleplay justin mcelroy sending meteors at a horde of hellhounds

GRIFFIN MCELROY PUSHES GRAY THE DEMON PRINCE TO THE GROUND SAYS SOME COOL MOVIE LINE AND CASTS THE BIGGEST THUNDERWAVE EVER.

SNIPPERS KAIJU

THIS IS THE SOCK PUPPET AND THE DIFFERENT ANIMATION STYLE BIT OF THE CARTOON TROPES.

fuck off travis give me animated taz

i do like this music a lot its got video game vibes

DIFFERENT CLINT MCELROY??? disgraced dj clint mcelroy x janitor clint mcelroy fanfic /j please dont

AUDIENCE??? thats me im the ones cheering

THUNDERMAN LOVE LANGUAGE IS HANDS ON SHOULDERS. and now they are both clouds of gas

fuck that is so cool fitzroy is the coolest hes just shooting lightning out of his hands and its his cool lightning illuminating him. THATS a painting

AW WHAT. HEYYY WHAT ORDER STOP IT IT WAS GETTING GOOOOD.

chaos i like u so much. i’m a chaos sympathist and apologist now i adore them

mission imp-hospital <3

oh my god what the hell i just got chills i love this so much,, everyones a hero,,, this fucks .,, theyve destroyed capitalism and systemic injustice i love them very much

A BALANCE HAS SHIFTED.. THE WORLD HAS TURNED TO CHAOS.

i am so enamored with how travis described that this makes me so happy

order i hope u die powerless and fearful

THEYRE SINGING THE THUNDERMEN SONG. GOD I LOVE THEM…

it would be very sexy if they did just cut to black i wouldnt be mad.

CHAOS E N D ORDER. PLEASE. U DESERVE THIS CHAOS.

GO TO HELL. INCREDIBLE. FUCK THATS SO GOOD good firbolg lines today as always.

FIRBOLG IS GRAYS FAVORITE?!?!?

chaos i love u very much. i think they deserve to have whatever they want ever

FITZROY LETTING HIM KEEP HIS MAUL,,

obsessed with gray calling fitzroy his best friend right after saying the firbolg was his favorite and then ending their last conversation ever by telling argo he’s his son.

althea and barb r girlfriends <3

literally what happened to rainer btw where is she

leon and buckminster r boyfriends <3

OH RAINER HI THERE SHE IS

thunderman llc doesn’t have time for labels

OH THE MUSIC… THIS BRINGS ME BACK

i like it very much that during taz graduation, instead of graduating, they became anarcho-anticapitalists and took down the entire school system.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 5 YEARS. we’re doing a timeskip ending…

btw where did the fucking time travel fit into this i’m still confused about that.

okay but do they not sail away on a ship together. on argo’s new ship.

he’s just… fitzroy maplecourt now!!! wow…. that character arc is so near and dear to my heart. from forcing people to call him by his full name and his full title to relieving himself of the titles completely.. guys i love fitzroy

FITZROY BOYCLOAKS MAGAZINE COVER PAGE 8 ISSUES IN A ROW AND HES STARTED A WOODLAND CREATURE FASHION LINE AND HES RICH. he helps out his parents too that’s so sweet.. And he’s got a beard.

JUST PLAIN OLD FITZROY<3333333333 ouhgh,,, this is so cute… he’s getting closure. and he gets to give a cool speech…. about anarchism………. and going to fucking Law School. oh that’s very good..

does. the firbolg settle down. ill fucking lose it. DOES THE FIRBOLG FUCK THE TINY GARY. I CAN’T DO THIS I COULDN’T DO THIS. THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST PLEASE DON’T. does the firbolg BECOME a gary!?!?!?!?!? what the fuck is happening i’m so confused please stop. can we just go back to having the thundermen be friends so the firbolg isn’t lonely. please. i’m going fucking insane this can’t be how the firbolg ends i can’t fucking do this i can’t call him gary. his name can’t be gary. NotLikeThis.

IS THIS A GARY COMMERCIAL. I HATE THIS

OKAY ARGO TIME PLEASE HAVE A GOOD ONE ARGO PLEASE.

argo on the firboat!!! what will he do!!!

A CRUISE SHIP YES. FUCK YES OKAY I CAN WORK WITH THIS. what the fuck does he mean by the firbolg experience. why is there a theme song oh god oh no.

i’m in hell order’s gone to hell and taken me with them. how did he fucking come up with this. AND he ends with the thunderman llc. good.

OH THEY’RE ALL ON THE CRUISE SHIP… cute i like this

HE COMMANDEERS THE COMMODORES FLEET AND HAS TURNED THEM INTO A CRUISE SHIP LINE

oh,,, fitzroy suggesting they go for one last fight? ;; cute as well.

DON’T JOKE ABOUT GRAD2ATION I WILL CRY. ISN’T THE NEXT ARC SET ON THE SEAS. DON’T JOKE ABOUT THIS

oh ;;;;;w;;;;;;;;; fitzroy………<3 he has grown so much,, no more considering himself above his companions,, he is just fitzroy maplecourt and he loves and misses his pals. and because of this he will get a cruise ship based on him.

YEAHHHHHH FRONT FOR PIRACY. GOOD.

oh my god,, fitzroy becomes a robin hood of the seas.

they all miss each other ;;;; <3

ARE WE GONNA END WITH THE THEME SONG. CHRIST. OKAY.

no this fucking sucks actually. goodbye everyone. it’s been nice.

AWWW THE END MUSIC… wowowowowow they brought it full circle with the soundtrack and ended with laughing and a fun little fitzroy joke. i’m happy with that :]

i’ll miss the thundermen so very much,, i don’t know how excited i am for the next arc it kinda rests on the pcs,, i prefer griffin’s pcs over when he dms but let’s see!!! well pogchamp fun end to perhaps my favorite taz arc!!!!<3333333

#taz #taz graduation spoilers #taz grad #taz g #taz graduation #taz grad spoilers #the adventure zone #the adventure zone graduation #taz episode 38 #sir fitzroy maplecourt #fitzroy maplecourt #argonaut keene #argo keene #master firbolg #the firbolg #taz notes by krys #krys talks

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missdawnandherdusk · 4 years

Note

So I saw the post where you said send in requests and i havent seen anything negating that, so uh, do you think you could write something (when you have the time and motivation of course please dont feel obligated (unless you want to) ) where people start noticing the way Draco flinches whenever someone makes a sudden movement and then all of the sudden one day he comes back to the castle after holiday and its so much worse and people start kinda trying to help and make his days better?

okay, here we go. And no one can convince me that no one at Hogwarts noticed that Draco was a victim of abuse but since Harry has the attention span of a goldfish, it wasn’t added that and JKR is a terrible person.

Also warning: this does talk about physical emotional and mental abuse. I want you all to know that you NEVER deserve it and never believe that your abuse situation “isn’t that bad.” You are cherished and loved and worthy and valuable.

okay, so the first year wasn’t too bad not that it wasn’t bad but, well Draco was innocent to any other way so he thought it was normal for his father to do what he did

Then things start to dawn on him that maybe no... this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Yet, whenever he asks a question against his father... things don’t end well for him. “But why are muggle-born so bad?” “What’s wrong with the Weasleys?” “Why are you so mean to the house-elves?” It never ends well, so he stops asking but now boy does he have a lot of questions and internal conflict that grows.

back to the point so someone drops a book/cauldron/glass something and Draco jumps and begins to panic “is his father mad? What did he do? How can he do better?” because he’s convinced that his father is on another rampage, but Crabbe just nudges his arm and he’s brought back to the present and that he’s not in trouble or danger

Snape is the first to notice because he knows what to look for in a child that has been abused at home, from personal experience, so he scolds the student who dropped the thing harshly

Our darling Hufflepuffs take note very quickly. In fact, there’s a support group at Hogwarts for kids who come from not so safe homes. Magical abuse or not, it's a group to just come and feel safe and like you’re not alone lead by Sprout and McGonagall

In Herbology with Draco, the Hufflepuff tells Momma Sprout about what they think is going on and boy is Sprout a momma bear looking out for Draco at every turn and looking into any records she can get her hands on

These kids from the support group start to become very worried about Draco because they’ve seen it all before and they hate seeing anyone else go through what they went through

They start to send him anonymous letters so that he’ll get mail in the mornings, and sneak sweets/snacks into his bag when they notice he’s not eating, or volunteer to be his partner in class

Boy is Draco confused

Which means he snaps a lot more and is rude and scared because he doesn’t understand why they’re being so nice to him

Alone is what I have, alone is what protects me

When Buckbeak attacks him, of course, he breaks down into tears because it’s all too familiar and he’s terrified that if he blinks he might open his eyes and it’ll be his father coming at him, not Buckbeak

and maybe he keeps the bandages and brace on longer for more than he needs it because it was a reminder that someone cared for him and mended his wounds and he didn’t have to do it himself

You think he just like Potions? Oh no, he’s had to make his own healing Potions all his life for the sake of keeping up the family appearance.

Luna Lovegood, the precious child sees right through all of it. Easily. And is a lot more confrontational about it than the support group, who did things more on the down-low. She takes all of his ridicule and taunts and snaps and lets him yell at her because she knows he needs to vent to someone

When Hermione pulls her wand out to attack him, sure, he could be a drama queen with all bark and no bite but maybe again it's too familiar and whenever there’s a wand in his face like that it ends with him in pain

That night Luna finds Draco in the Astronomy tower alone and just sits next to him.

He scoffs but after a while asks how can she deal with living alone with her father. She tells him that her father is the kindest person she knows and it finally gets through to Draco that how he grew up was not normal.

Luna tells him about the Support Group and he gets notes here and there as invitations, and maybe he decides to go one night

He’s surprised to see a lot of kids he knows. Luna goes and sits by some of her friends, Neville is there, and quite a few older Slytherins, and the Hufflepuff from his Herbology class who smiles and waves at him.

He realizes that these are all the kids who have been nice to him

He doesn’t share at all during the meeting (it’s sort of like AA where kids just go through and talk about what happens to them, if they’ve grown or made progress, what scared them still. The older kids offer advice and comfort and tissues because everyone cries)

He doesn’t share for a few weeks of meetings that he attends, but he doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore

Maybe now he doesn’t snap so much and maybe he’s not as scared anymore to let people in because he’s not alone and he realizes that everyone has their own inner demons and struggles

Fifth-year is the worst for him. With No Nose back, his father is vicious and ruthless and takes his pain and anger out on Draco.

It’s after easter break that he finally shares. “My... my father...”

Before he can say another word there are arms wrapped around him and hands on his shoulders and soft encouragements and consoles.

“He... he used the cruatious curse on me... and said that if I didn’t do it on someone else that he’d...” And Draco just breaks down into tears because he feels wicked and broken and ashamed.

He cries harder when no one judges him or yells at him or treats him differently. He’s still just Draco to them. The same thing happens when he tells them about the Dark Mark,

When he starts to slip through the cracks, the group vividly helps him like they’ve helped kids before him for generations.

Ravenclaws helped him study and find motivation when he started to fail his classes, Hufflepuffs show him how to have fun and take breaks and self-care, Slytherins are there in the common room on sleepless nights with tea and blankets, Gryffindors are there as a defense squad against anyone who wants to get to Draco and boy do they rip on Harry

But maybe Draco sees in Harry what the others saw in him. A kid who’s very fast with reflexes and has the same sort of anger and defense mechanisms that he did

Draco defends Harry from a Slytherin and Harry is confused and the Slytherin is confused but they back down

Harry just glares and walks away and Draco rolls his eyes and sighs

He sends Harry invitations to the Support Group but the golden boy never shows

When the Death Eaters kidnap Luna, Draco about loses it because Luna was one of the first ones who helped him grow

So he goes down to the dungeon and they still have their own little support group. Luna sees first hand what it’s like to be Draco especially when his father makes Draco use the cruatious curse on her

He cries and begs for Luna’s forgiveness and of course, he has it, she knows he never wanted to hurt anyone

At Hogwarts seventh year, he and the Slytherins who were a part of the support group are now also apart of the rebellion and Draco is livid about the punishments that Snape allows because how dare he allow physical abuse as a punishment and he gets an earful from Draco about it

Snape explains that it’s to keep him safe and Voldemort from suspecting anything and Draco just “I don’t give a damn about me or you! Stop hurting these kids! They’ve done nothing to deserve it!” And he’s in tears

Snape pulls back on his regimen a bit

Of course, Draco lies to his father about not knowing who Harry is. Why would he let his father win when Draco held the cards?

When Draco’s father calls him back to the side of the Death Eaters, he’s about to go because he is still afraid of his father but Luna takes his hand and so does the Hufflepuff from Herbology, and soon there are hands on his shoulders and arms, reminding him that he’s not alone and that he’s not the scared little kid anymore and he stands with Hogwarts

He and Harry eventually have a talk about growing up and the abuse they both suffered and Harry and Draco both grow as people and stop being so childish and put away the grudge and hatred for another

He takes a Slytherin girl under his wing in eighth year who’s two years younger than him and jumping at her own shadow. He brings her into the Support Group and helps her find some courage and self-worth

That girl is Astoria Greengrass

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87@artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog @jillanaholland @shookyungsoo @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @chaotic-good-gemini @memalfoy-spidey @theres-a-dog-outside-omg @queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise @dietkiwi @katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things @tmnt-queen @mccloudchloe @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena @moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie @xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper @ninacotte @braelynn-j @jiggllyy @honeymarvel @darcypottah @atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss @lottie289 @boredashaeck @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread @atomicwonderlandmentality @okaydraco @the–queen-of-hell @langdonzvoid @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing @tulippings @thestressedprincess @sunflowerxsadnessw @caps-wilsonn @fattycooter @angelotakunerd08 @thisisahugemistake @fanficsigottaread @gweaslvy @okaydraco @strawberriesonsummer @ughjjloveme @honeymarvel @gaysludge @cleopatera @ray-of-sunrise @artist-bby @shadowsingeraxolotl @peters-legos @quillsareforwriting @ghostlytoadalmondhairdo @wollymalfoy @lilpieceoftoast @monimillion @howdycharlie @gnf847

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ughgclden · 3 years

Note

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

#asks <3 #anon asks!#star anon #long post

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currentfandomkick · 4 years

Text

Bio! Dad Strange part 3

Marinette, she had no idea how this happened, she swore, somehow got lost in gotham during an Arkham jailbreak. All she knew was one minute she was talking to Uncle Ed and then the next there was explosions and then she was... wherever she was.

Apparently Two-Face recognized her on the streets and grabbed her... only she didnt know him.

Her response was to flip him over her tiny shoulder and flee with a vengence. Guess which member of the batfam saw?

If you guessed Tim before he became a Robin because Dick was still Robin—albeit in charge of the Titans and not in Gotham at the time.

Tim did the reasonable thing and somehow convinced the freaked out french girl to go into a cafe while they called her parents.

Two-Face, convinced that tiny Tim kidnapped tiny Marinette and somehow his family would hurt tiny Marinette. Which given that she has how many Rogues around her little finger—Strange, Joker, Quinn, Ivy, Riddler, Penguin AND Zsasz. He did a coin flip to see if he should save her from being in the public eye and possibly expose her family. The coin was in favor of keeping Marinette from being on the news with pictures.

Two-Face decided it was safer to kidnap her from said public place and bring her to Ivy and Harley.

So he grabbed mutliple machine guns, raided the cafe and threw tiny Marinette over his shoulder and sent out shots at abyone that tried to get near them. He wasnt dying becuase of this kid, ok?

Of course said kid is super-powered, terrified, and did i mention its sunny out so her treatments are wearing out faster? No, well they are. This means everything is much scarier and louder and overwhelming that bwing thrown over a stranger that shot at people should be in any situation.

Tiny Tim is very scared for her. He finds Batman and alerts him to the tiny foreigner’s kidnapping—nearly getting killed by Mr. Freeze in the process to boot.

Batman is angry for many reasons, manages to take down Mr. Freeze and tells Gordon to be on alert for Two-Face who kidnapped a tiny french girl.

Only it gets worse.

Superman saw what was going on in Gotham and went to help out—his freind was dealing with a mass prison break of very dangerous criminals, why wouldnt he help?

And on hearing a tiny kid that freaked out in french was in danger? Well, what was he supposed to do Bruce? Ignore her?

He sent Conner after her while he helped out with a number of distrubed individuals, including a pyromaniac (firefly).

Conner manages to track down the pair on his own and almost loses it when he sees tiny Marinette kick Two-Face hard enough he falls down and the girl bolts a lot faster than a normal kid should. He comms in that the girl is a scared foriegn meta, and requests backup.

Kidflash is the one who answers, and takes care of Twoface while Conner tries to track down a terrifed tiny meta that screams in french.

Conner sees her running to a greenhouse and follows her in. Especially as the tiny girl jumped a lot higher than she should and it felt too familiar for comfort.

He manages to sneak in, followed by Kidflash, and they have an ‘oh shit’ moment when they see the scared girl run to a younger Poison Ivy with brown hair, crying. This teen holding a crying child is Rose.

Rose is visibly pissed. “Do you want me to kill him? J called dibs on his brother this time and Harley’s aiming for Tetch after last week.”

Tiny marinette shakes her head and delivers the best line for the young justice members, but worst for a baby Rogue.

“I dont want him to die, i just want him to stop hurting people.”

*remember, she is Jill in Gotham.

“Jilly bean, the world isnt nice. If it was, then batsy wouldnt have dropped me onto an ecoterrorist when i was a week old, and i would be allowed to leave the greenhouse. You wouldnt need to have nearly as many aliases as you do. You can try to make it nice in a lot of ways. I’m happy to handle extermination sicne thats the only thing i have shot at besides the rkc.”

Tiny marinette is frowning. “But then the world wins. I want to beat the world, not lose by being like it.”

Conner is (understandably) confused. Kidflash is processing that oh fuck. This is a meta raised by villians. And another meta raised by villians and goddamnit batman, why did you give a villian a baby? (He didnt. He gave ivy a ten year old. He thought she was her kid and she was raising her or something.)

Tiny Marinette is not happy with Rose’s conclusions.

“Can we call Ghoul and Frost? Maybe they can help with their dads?”

“And why not Puzzles?”

“He has asthma and he cant dodge.”

Rose considers for a moment before nodding. She grabs a plant and talks into it. “Ghoul, Frost, i need you at HQ. Someone has to reign in our dumbass parents. Bring the nuetralizers and tranqs.”

A voice came from another flower. “Should we have zsasz come with?”

“No! He’ll switch sides again!” Marinette yelled.

“Oh. Nets, what the hell are you doing at HQ?”

“Two-Face stole me. I ran.”

“Well, Fuck. Be there in five. Uh, how are your treatments holding?”

“She’s getting lighter. Might want to break out the rocks again.”

“Double fuck. Ill force Frost out of lab. Be there in a few—any crews to aviod or...”

“If they have a green arm band dont give them the fear toxin fixes, and Jerimah’s cult is back,” Marinette added.

“Fuck me up why dont you Gotham!” Ghoul cursed.

“Hey, she’s a kid!” Rose snapped

“Im older than you though!” Marientte chirped.

Conner had a lot to process with this information. Kidflash put together that they were applarently going to try to help the gothamites rather than the rogues, and decided they should leave and focus on helping the others.

Given that Marinette didnt catch the pair (she was still trying to focus on near things) she doesnt know that anyone but Batman and maybe Batgirl is fighting.

So she doesnt hide her abilities, flying at low levels to aviod Batman’s attention. But Kidflash and Batman see her and have a Moment of ‘which of us is telling Superman he might have another clone?’

Marinette, oblivious to this, is seen beside Jason Todd giving people Fear Toxin Antidote and Joker Gas Nuetralizer. Marinette is getting and distributing the antidotes. Jason Todd is making sure she doesnt die by wielding his baseball bat and riding his bike while she flies.

The day ends with most going back to Arkham and Marinette and Jason hiding from heroes for obvious reasons—including a teen and small child ignoring evacuation orders and avoiding GCPS.

Batman is aware of Marinette’s existence as “Jill” and “Nets” and that she helps a group of Rogue’s children that are content to undercut their parents crime. And now he knows Rose is either mcuh younger than he thought when he gave her (he thought brought her back home to) Poison Ivy. And is feeling guiltyTM

If you thought he was having a case of Serial Adopter Bruce Wayne, you are correct. He is now actively looking for these kids and where they are hiding since they moved post-breakout.

Zsasz is only slightly disappointed that Marinette didnt kill Two-Face. Jerome thinks its great and somehow convinces him to apoligize to her by offering to make up a number of contracts between rogues and the gotham underground in general to make things more organized so she and other rogue kids have a safe way of handling situations like that in the future.

Why dies JEROME of all people think this up and not Eddy or Riddler? The answer is he stole the idea from them, gave them no credit, and yes, is doing this as an attempt to score a few extra of marinette’s cookies. He has no shame in this, and riddler hates sweets so he isnt mad. Ed is too busy teaching Marinette Science to realize what happened until long after it did.

This puts Marinette and the RKC in a very odd position. Not only is The Batman trying to find them now, but they have to handle the Rogues trying to baby them. Ghoul and Frost are almost an adults, most people think Rose is almost an adult when irl she’s 5, and yes, Marinette is very much now Gotham Underground’s Princess as the Council is basically set up to ensure her safety.

Marinette knows none of this, as she is small child that just wants to cuddle her stuffed kitty Chaton and sleep on her Father (Strange) while he finishes up in his lab. She does this.

Mr. Freeze and Scarecrow got pictures. They use these to insert themselves in the Teach the Kids Science and Dangerous ThingsTM.

At one point marientte learns how to diassemble a bomb, reassemble one, and diffuse various bombs.

Riddler starts to use bombs more when she’s around to help her practice. Batman is confused as that is Not his usual M.O. Robin/ Dick gets called in and thigns get messy for the Batfam dynamics (he saw the research on the RKC and is pissed that He Was Right! Ivy Didnt Have Rose! and then saw plans for new batkids and reacted BadlyTM due to Teen AngstTM).

The summer ends with Batman having a bad fallout with Robin, Marinette thinking No One knows she’s kyptonian. When Conner suspects, Batman and Kidflash put two and two together, and no one has told Superman yet because um. Well.

They need the girl as proof and would rather not send Clark into another spiral about havig kids he wasnt aware of, ok? He just got decent with Conner. No need to rock the boat, right? (Wrong)

#maribat #maribat au #marinette strange dupain cheng #bio!dad strange #bio!dad au #marinette strange dupain cheng part 3 #my au #my idea #my ideas

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kob131 · 5 years

Note

What do you feel about the post about Vic mignogna by ultraericthered

https://ultraericthered.tumblr.com/post/183990672385/im-sick-of-the-rangers-spamming-vics-tag-with

Let’s break this down.

Vic is absolutely guilty of inappropriate behavior, misconduct, sexual harassment, and possibly (just possibly) sexual assault towards others. This has been established by his pattern of behavior for years. Monica and the others are being entirely honest in their stories and the allegations are very likely honest as well. How this is even in question, I have no idea, but it upsets and disturbs me that there are so many who are quick to jump to Vic’s defense while simultaneously vilifying his opponents and accusers (and possibly victims).

A, He hasn’t been proven guilty of exual harassment OR assault and inapporiate behavior means nothing.

And B. yeah, no. Monica has been lying via omission for months now, refusing to give ANY details on any incidents DESPITE the fact that those details are REQUIRED to convict him. And before you say she’s scared: she’s openly threatened vic supporters with legal action. Over asking her for info. That is not the behavior of an innocent person.

Oh and C. NOTHING came to light about Vic for MONTHS. The ProJared shit started and ended in the same month.

What gives credibility to the side of Monica Rial, Jamie Marchi, Jamie McGonnigal, Marzgurl, etc. is that not only do their words and allegations line up with accounts of Vic’s skeevy behavior towards fans and women that have been going around the internet for YEARS (It’s honestly astonishing just how far back some of this goes), but how many other VAs, people actually in the industry who might’ve worked alongside Vic and would be there to witness his actions, have come out in Vic’s defense? Can’t really think of much. Meanwhile, how many have been coming out in support of the alleged victims? Quite a handful, even J. Michael Tatum, himself a victim of sexual assault in the past. Apparently, Vic being a primadona and a skeevy womanizing creeper has been an open secret in the VA industry since forever.

And of these guys:

Monica has evaded legal action and refused to give details NECESSARY to convict him

Marzgurl has sactively ENOCURAGE VIOLENCE

And Jamie has been proven to bully people into dropping Vic from cons.

As for the ‘accounts”: they’re eitehr anonyomous accounts, too old to prove...or taken out of context of the people involed.

And by the way. how many famous people probably came out and said ‘that guy’s a commie’ back during the Red Scare? People coming out to help doesn’t MEAN anything without proof. People in the wrong can still come out in droves. And if that doesn’t convince: does that mean rape victims who don’t have public support while their rapists DO are the ones in the wrong then? Same logic of ‘One party has more public support than the other, therefore they’re right.’

What’s damning on Vic’s side of things? Well not only was a thorough investigation into the sexual harassment allegations conducted during the time of the Broly movie’s production prior to Funimation’s decision to lay Vic off (something his fans don’t even seem to realize happened) -

You mean the one where they didn’t give any info and was probably a ‘cut off the controversial figure for profit’ decision?

- but Vic’s response to the whole situation has…just not been how I think an absolutely innocent man getting his career and livelihood threatened by accusation of things he absolutely never did and would never do would respond. Vic’s been pretty sincere and professional throughout this and I give him props for that, but his “defenses” against the allegations have always been along the lines of “I remember things differently” or “I didn’t realize she felt that way - I thought that thing we had was consensual and mutual.” Of course he’s not going to recall those incidents as being ones where he committed sex offenses because he did not see his actions as being such when he committed them. He fails to recognize how and why his behavior is so wrong. He doesn’t knowingly think of himself as a sex fiend and harasser when he acts that way - he really thinks he’s being nice (backed up by the allegation where he repeatedly asked his victim to “let me be sweet to you.”). But those moments were not consensual. The girls and women he touched or romanced were not comfortable with it.-

And Monica has threatened legal action and Marzgurl thretaened PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

You wanna judge this based on public reaction? Show me where Vic threatens anyone who questions him.

What his intentions were at the time don’t matter when put next against how his victims internalized his actions and how they were made to feel -

No, intentions DO matter. That’s why ‘self defense’ and ‘murder’ are different concepts.

And on top of that, look at how Monica Rial worded her own account:

This, by contrast, is Vic’s wording of his side of things. He “got lazy.” He’s “a work in progress like everyone else.” And my personal favorite: “Voice actors are no different from you: we’re bozos. We’re all dumb humans just trying to do our best.” The emotions are sincere, but the words are unrefined and a bit try-hard in trying to paint a sympathetic image of himself.

And Monica, by your own standards, is trying to appeal to basic human empathy to trick people into believing her. Thing is, Vic is consistent in his actions. Monica has acted contradictory MANY times.

And what’s damning on the side of Vic’s fans and defenders? Well, I could not help but notice that they can be found all over Youtube, hive of the Far Right that it’s become-

Strike 1.

I also could not help but notice that whenever I clicked a video made for supporting Vic and tearing down his opposition and accusers (who, again, could very well be his victims), it was literally ALWAYS a dude speaking.

Strike 2.

It was always some man speaking in defense of this other man who he probably doesn’t even personally know in a situation he wasn’t there to experience and knows next to shit about, and demonizing “waamen” that he also doesn’t personally know. And in all of this, I have not once seen any valid reasoning for why Vic absolutely must be innocent of the allegations made against him other than “he’s a super popular, charming, beloved VA” and “he seems like such a nice guy”. It’s frankly quite terrifying that the immediate default for these people is to stand with the popular, prolific, powerful man (and I don’t want to be an SJW here, but that Vic is handsome, white, straight/cis, and Christian might be a huge part of it

Strike 3-

Not only is this gonna EMBOLDEN the assholes on Vic’s side-

But Monica’s defenders (like YOU) have focused on gender and bullshit instead of anything FACTUAL. You act like anyone whose accused of sexual assault is IMMEDIATELY guilty if the accuser is a woman and teh accused is a man. Never mind how most of these accusations come down to simple miscommunication between the parties and nevermind how if a guy tries coming to the police about being raped, it’s likely HE’LL be arrested. Let alone what happens if the woman gets pregnant and can sue for child support...even if she committed STATUTORY RAPE.

Oh, and Vic’s italian and that culture is very touchy feely. So guess what? You’re racist by your own logic.

and denounce the women who come forward to accuse him as being liars because this is exactly why women who are victimized by men of such power and popularity tend to NOT come forward with stories of their victimization immediately after it happens. Yes, anyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but that doesn’t mean the accusers should be denounced as liars and demonized for daring to mess with the man - they ought to be shown support and respect IF in the case what they say is true and they really were hurt by that man. If they’re proven liars beyond any doubt, THEN they can be given well deserved scorn. But brushing them off beforehand is Not OK. Especially if it’s with conspiracy theories about how this is some big coordinated feminist effort to tear down a great man and destroy his livelihood, or it’s a retaliation from yaoi fangirls who hate that Vic dares to be anti-yaoi and Conservative in regards to gay people.

And yet you condemn Vic before he is proven to be lying.

Sorry, either condemn yourself or be better.

These assclowns have also constantly resorted to the defense of “Oh, hugging other people and kissing them in places not on the lips totes isn’t sexual harassment”. Totally ignoring the little details of the girls getting the hugs typically being total strangers to Vic outside of being fans of his work who are thus underage girls being touched by a grown man who has absolutely no relation to them, that he might have done the same with female co-workers behind the scenes, and that he has done these things on a whim, without the recipient’s consent and without paying any mind to how it might make them feel.

Also ignoring if they give consent like that time someone tried portraying Vic touching a supposedly underage girl only to BACKFIRE as the womana spoke out in defense of the man.

This has been a consistent pattern of behavior with him,

Consistently unproven.

and allegedly, he’s justified it with saying “silence gives consent.” Like a girl or woman absolutely has to verbally say “no” or tell him outright that he’s making them feel uncomfortable for it to be considered wrong and unwarranted. Basically “a lack of a No makes it a Yes.” I can’t begin to describe how gross that is.

So Vic has to be a fucking MINDREADER or else.

Great to know, especially considering how my own condition would make this shit damn near impossible to see.

The worst part is how these IStandWithVic cultists demonize Monica Rial. A woman who, by her own admission, was a victim of rape as a teenager.

Says the man who demonizes Vic.

A woman who has shown nothing but emotional and intellectual honesty and kindness on social media, who has acknowledged that even Vic and his fans don’t deserve to be harassed and hurt, to the point of stating this:

https://twitter.com/Rialisms/status/1095156641543192576

Funny how she says this TWO DAYS LATER than your picture.

But she’s both painted as a vicious liar who’s out to destroy a good, innocent man’s life and career, and is ALWAYS being written off by these dudes as just “the VA for Bulma.” As though she’s had no other notable roles in her long career of voice acting aside from that one character (as opposed to the oh-so talented, versatile and legendary star that is Vic). As though that character has had only one English VA. As though Monica just plain doesn’t matter when put next to a fellow VA in the industry who happens to be a handsome white, straight/cis, Christian male.

Keep being a bigoted douchebag, I can hear the alt RIght cumming.

And as though Monica had any feasible reason to lie about her experiences with Vic and assassinate his character on social media.

*points at you and your blind defense of her*

the pro-Vic crowd seems to think she’s greedy or jealous or just resentful towards Vic as a person, and is out to get him so that she can get money or respect or more roles or petty revenge or whatever.

Literally change ‘vic’ to ‘monica and that’d describe you.

But if that were really the case, how does that account for the friends and family who support her claims? How does it account for the fellow VAs (Jamie Marchi, Jamie McGonnigal, J. Micahel Tatum, Josh Grelle, Justin Briner, Daman Mills) who’ve all supported her claims and have said “Yeah, Vic’s been like that forever.

‘Get social brownie points’

How does it account for the fans and congoers who have been sharing their stories of uncomfortable experiences and encounters they’ve had with Vic FOR YEARS?

‘Stories’ are not truth.

The deck is NOT stacked in Vic’s favor here, so “he’s successful, popular, funny, friendly, charming, talented and a classic VA who’s so well loved in the anime community” is NOT going to cut it as an assumption of his innocence or a defense for his character.

No, that’s the legal system that says ‘innocent until proven guilty.’

He needs to be held accountable for his misdemeanors against people who gave no consent to being touched, hugged, kissed, stalked, romanced, or squicked out by him.

And yet Monica threatening legal action and Marzgurl making THREATS OF VIOLENCE? A-Ok.

It’s a Michael Jackson type of situation - even if he’s NOT done the things he’s being accused of, that does NOT make his creepy behavior towards underage fangirls excusable or alright.

Funny thing about Micheal Jackson-

The accusations, when you actually pay attention, are complete bullshit. Events don’t line up, accounts vary wildly, facts contradict stories. And yet he STILL suffered until the day he died and BEYOND. So thanks for remindidng why, as much as I hate Yellow Flash, Hero Hei and Nick Riekta-

You idiots are the worse evil.

Tl;dr: I shall from now on be referring to this VA as “Vic Cosby Mignogna.” ‘Cause even if he’s not guilty of the heinous shit that Bill Cosby is guilty of, his case is still all too eerily similar.

#IStandWithMonica

So does that mean if I call Monica ‘Monikkka’- She’s a KKK member now?

Oh wait, you wouldn’t give two shits if the places were reversed would you? For your cry of ‘I’m not an SJW!’- You sure do sound like the fucking strawman it represents.

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isitoctober212015yet · 5 years

Text

So, no spoiler review of IT chapter 2: I liked it, it was well put together and i feel like it built on and expanded the first movie very well

some of my other thoughts chock full of spoilers are below the cut

– the opening scene with adrien mellon is easily the most brutal one i dig my nails into my skin when i get nervous and i was bleeding pretty bad by the end of those first 10 mins. its probably the worst and most visceral scare of the whole movie, everything after that’s manageable. I’m a little annoyed they included that one like...of all the parts of the book to stay faithful to thats the one you pick??? I was so annoyed when they announced they were makin that

– where was the scene from the trailer when pennydumbass jumped out of that hole that was in the wall like 10 feet up? Did I miss that or something i feel like it was absent

– I really loved the adult losers they were all so good. I really had no trouble beliving they were the grown versions of the kids from chapter 1

– however i feel they could have sassed back at pennywise more

– I appreciated that this one was darker more often than not but that there were still a couple moments of levity. Watching everyone run around screaming while Mike is smashing the table in the chinese restaurant after the scene with the blood (or perhaps that was just miscellaneous sewer ooze?) and screaming infant bugs was really funny to me. I’m also glad this movie didnt go the miniseries route and just put some live ass cockroaches on the table i hated that. The whole scene was very loud though. I feel like I’m too old but every scary scene i’m always just thinking “oh boy here comes some more noise...good :/”

– Mike was easily my favorite character this time around im glad he got more screentime because gotdamn was he robbed last time

– I love!! new kids content!!! I loved those kids so much so i was really glad that they came back

– goddamn the transitions between some of these scenes was fucking stunning i like said very loudly without realizing “Oh wow that transition” somebody nearby laughed at me

– I for no reason really want to draw a pomeranian with pennywise markings now

– How did nobody else ever figure out you can just beat It by pointing and laughing and calling it a sloppy bitch. it really took the people of derry five million years to workshop that one huh?

– I was so worried theyd try and force Bill and Bev together and they did not

– If you thought I was paying attention to anything other than that Michael J Fox poster in the background of the scenes in the fort. You would be INCORRECT I really need to finish that IT/BttF crossover huh?

– so???? one of the last things Richie does before leaving town is go to the lover's bridge and re-make the mark he made as a kid that said E + R (while Stan is saying “be proud of who you are” in a vo) are they saying hes gay??? also some kids call him gay and he doesnt like..adamantly deny it like he does other stuff, he just runs off. so??? kinda got gay vibes. it could just be me reading into it as a gay buuuuuuut idk Also Bill and Mike say “I love you” to each other and theyre like the only ones in either movie that even utter the words i love you that i recall, that and Bill wasn’t wearing a ring at the end???? Honestly was anyone else kinda feeling those 2 the whole movie? i was. is there any ship content for that? i feel like theres untapped potential there. gonna be bummed if theres nothing on AO3 tbh

– I can’t tell if I’m immune to horror or if this movie actually wasnt scary. It feels like Penboy only has one scare tactic and thats shake ur head real quick-like. And i do that when i mess up sentences to get my thoughts back on track u aint special bitch

– while nothing other than adrien mellon’s death really scared me I do think the scare scenes were a lot better this time around. better executed and all that. more thought was put into em

– I noticed a lot of really wonky edits esp in the antique shop scene and it kinda makes me wonder if they didnt get too many takes because stephen king didnt want to be there or what but like...every time they cut from Bill to that wide of stephen at the counter his coffee cup is moved and the book is at a different angle did y’all really only do like 1 fucking take of this shit???? I’d get a gotdamn F if I tried pulling something like that. I would get fuckin fired. And this movie with a billion dollar budget just let that slip on by???? I thought that this was gonna be a scene where oh no something spooky happens and the inconsistancies were supposed to be there to clue u in but no. its just bad editing.

– there was a lot of continuity errors in who was standing where or holding items in the deadlights pit where they did the ritual of chud. ignoring for a second that the losers pulled half their damn tokens out of nowhere when only a couple even had pockets on their person, that lampshade/demon container thing just kinda...appeared. Mike was not carrying that the whole time they were going through Neibolt and down. he also pulls a bag off his shoulder one second when hed never had one previously and then next shot theres no bag. my friend suggested that maybe this was like...to disorient you as the viewer and i think it was just like...somebody who fucked up real bad. It made it hard to track where anyone was in that space. but maybe im going to be the only person who notices that shit since im an editor so i have to always be looking for that, anyways this is why a script sup is so important

– also as a film student who once (and only once, i aint ever doing that shit again) was producer for a short film I was literally screaming at the scene on the movie set. Like???? thats not how movies work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theyre filming the ending that night!??!?!?! The ending they are still waiting for Bill to write?!??!?!? How did you build a set??? How did you cast for that??? If ur at into a physical location not in the studio how did u get location permits for that day????? WHO STARTS PRODUCTION OF A MOVIE BEFORE ITS WRITTEN WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

– When Bill punches Richie in that recap of their chapter 1 fight there was a random red filter on the shot for 2 seconds who allowed that?? there was also this godawful blue food dye ass filter over one shot of the losers walking down the street. that shot was clearly filmed midday idk who they thought they were foolin with that. Just wait until night man. Again, i would be killed if i did that shit in a student film. but the brothers warn just let this happen????? WHY

#It movie 2019 #it chapter 2

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zoemurph · 7 years

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to have a friend, chapter 1: $20

on ao3

hey so if you've ever been told you shouldn't have two multichapter fics going at once you should listen to that advice. i'm just...really impatient. please don't expect consistent updates from me, these are longer chapters and i'm a college student

thank you to my friend family for encouraging this and by that i mean my god stop encouraging me i have a problem!! but also thank you for putting up with me sending fake dating au prompts for like 3 hours.

this first chapter is very much a rewrite of the show from the computer lab scene until the end of the scene in the principal's office. (im sorry but i had to get through this part before anything even mildly original could happen) therefore, it deals with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and a suicide attempt. please proceed with caution! i put a summary in the end notes if that's helpful to anyone!!

i hope you enjoy!!

Dear Evan Hansen:

It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because, why would it be?

Oh I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did, maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered, to anyone. I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend—

Evan squeezes his eyes shut tightly.

It’s true that at the end of the day, all you’ve got left is yourself, so you should…like yourself. Or something. But calling himself his “best and most dearest friend” is…

Pathetic. It’s pathetic. It’s really sad and even if it is true, the fact still remains that his best friend hates him.

Evan rubs his temples. Thinking about this is just going to send him into a spiral of anxiety that will help exactly no one. Having a breakdown in the computer lab sounds like a horrible, yet fitting, way to finish his first day of senior year.

He signs off the letter with ‘me’, even though it makes his stomach twist, and sends it to the printer.

He just wants to be home and under a blanket and also maybe not existing.

“So…”

Evan freezes, eyes glued to the screen of his laptop. His heart is in his throat and he figures that there’s about an eighty percent chance that he dies right now. He risks a glance over his shoulder at Connor.

“What happened to your arm?” Connor asks, vaguely motioning in Evan’s direction.

Evan swallows and looks down at his cast. “Oh, I-I um…fell out of a tree. Actually.”

Connor scoffs. “You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” He snorts and shakes his head. “Oh my god.”

Evan forces a laugh as his stomach churn. It is sad. Really sad. Sadder than anyone will ever know. “I know,” he says weakly.

Connor clears his throat and motions to Evan’s cast again. “No one’s signed your cast yet.”

Evan takes a shallow breath. He hasn’t figured out what to tell his mom about that yet. Maybe he’ll lie and say he lost the Sharpie, even though then she’ll ask if no one else had one. Maybe he can say that they weren’t writing on the cast but then if she tests it— Evan shakes his head. “N-no, I know.”

“I’ll sign it.”

Evan looks up with a start. “Oh! Um…” His mouth goes dry and his hands are definitely getting sweaty and he has no idea what to do with this information. “Y-you don’t have to.”

Connor glares at him and Evan tries not to wilt too much under his gaze. “Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan stares at him for a second before he fumbles with his bag. It takes him a second to find it, and in that time, he’s pretty sure Connor has successfully taken a year off his life with that glare. He holds the Sharpie out.

Connor clenches his jaw before taking it. He grabs Evan’s arm and pulls it closer, making Evan wince in pain. “Ow,” he hisses. This is exactly what his mom meant when she said he should ask people to sign his cast.

“Oh. Sorry,” Connor mutters. He scrawls his name across Evan’s cast in large, capitalized letters and then lets go of Evan’s arm.

“Oh.” Evan tries not to sound as disappointed as he is about how it looks, but he’s pretty sure he fails miserably. “Great. Thanks.” There’s probably no way of hiding Connor’s name. Jared is going to have a field day.

Connor hands Evan the Sharpie back. Evan moves to put it back in his bag, but frowns when he feels something stuck under the clip the cap. He looks down to see a folded twenty dollar bill tucked under the clip. He frowns and glances over to at Connor. “W-what?”

“Pretend to be my friend.”

Evan blinks. “I— what?”

“Pretend to be my friend,” Connor repeats, more forcefully this time.

Evan pulls the twenty out from under the clip. “Y-you’re—”

“Paying you to be my fucking friend?” Connor interrupts. “Yeah. I am.”

“But…why?”

Connor scowls. “It gets my mom off my back, now will you do it or are you giving my money back?”

“Twenty dollars to-to pretend to be your friend,” Evan says in disbelief, unfolding the bill. “That’s—”

“Per week.”

Evan almost drops the money. “What?!”

“Twenty bucks a week. Just as long as I need you to do this.” Connor crosses his arms. “I am literally offering you money you to pretend to be my friend now will you do it.”

Evan smiles weakly. “That’s…the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “You’re hilarious. What’s your answer.”

Evan swallows. This could go very badly. But money… He knows his mom keeps lying about how they’re doing financially. Medicine and therapy is expensive. College is worse. Evan doesn’t have a job. There isn’t too much of a choice here.

Twenty dollars is a dinner or two when his mom isn’t home.

Pretend to be friends with Connor Murphy, who yells at people and skips class to smoke and pushes people and threw a printer in the second grade, for twenty dollars a week.

Evan closes his hand around the bill and then stuffs it into his pocket.

“I-I’ll do it.”

Connor holds out his hand and for a second, Evan thinks he’s going to take back the money and yell at him for being so pathetic that he’ll fake friendship for a measly twenty dollars, but then Connor says, “Give me the Sharpie.”

Evan hands him the Sharpie and Connor grabs his good arm. As Connor writes on his skin, the first thing Evan thinks is ‘ink poisoning’. Which is really just ridiculous, but he’s on edge.

“There,” Connor says, letting go of Evan’s arm and capping the Sharpie. “You have my number. And if you give it to anyone else, I’ll kill you.” The way he says it is so casual that Evan feels like he should be more scared by the threat than he is.

“G-got it,” Evan stutters. He glances over the numbers, hoping Connor will leave now. He needs time to process.

“Also—”

Life is never what Evan wants it to be.

“—Is this yours? I found it on the printer.” Evan feels his entire body go cold. “‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name, right?”

If Evan wasn’t absolutely panicking right now, there might’ve been something funny about the fact that Connor paid someone he didn’t even know the name of to be his friend.

But it’s not funny.

“Oh, t-that’s just a stupid— it’s a paper I had to write for a, um, assignment…” Evan tugs on his shirt, because if he doesn’t do something with his hands, he’s going to try and grab it from Connor and there’s no way that can end except bad.

“‘Because there’s Zoe’,” Connor reads. The world tilts drastically, and everything slides toward destruction. “Is this about my sister?”

“No! Not at all!” Evan says quickly. It’s like he’s desperately trying to fix a fatal wound with Hello Kitty bandages. He’s drowning in his own worst fears and his mind is working against him and he can’t get any more words out to explain this situation because there’s no way to make this any better.

“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it.”

“What?”

“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out, so that I would find that.”

Evan almost starts laughing out of panic and a feeling of ‘oh god that sounds like something I would think’, but he’s so overwhelmed with everything that he can only get out a strangled, “Why—”

“So I would—”

“—would I do that?”

“—read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister, and freak out, right?” Connor snaps. “And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?” he yells.

“No. Wait— I don’t even, what?”

“Fuck you,” Connor seethes. He stalks out of the room, the door to the computer lab slamming behind him.

He still has the letter.

“But I really, I need that back!” Evan shouts. “Please. Can you just— can you please give it back.” His voice goes quiet. There’s no way he’s getting that back.

He swallows hard as he turns back to his laptop. Looks like he’s printing out another copy, even though his mind is whirling all the ways this one could end in disaster too.

Evan makes his way over to the printer, legs shaking and knees wobbly as he waits for the page to print. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and locks his knees in an attempt to stop shaking and calm down even a fraction of a percent.

His fingers brush against the twenty dollar bill in his pocket.

It burns.

—«·»—

When Evan gets home, he scrubs his arm until his skin is red and irritated and Connor’s number has vanished.

Not that the numbers aren’t branded in his mind.

He writes them down on a sticky note and hides it deep within a book that he shoves to the back of his bookshelf. Doctor Sherman keeps telling him that if something is worrying him before bed, he should write it down so he doesn’t have to think about it as much. This is the first time Evan has tried.

He keeps thinking about Connor.

Connor isn’t in school the next day and Evan feels a strange sort of relief.

He isn’t in school the next day either. Evan tells himself that it’s probably a good thing. Maybe he can reach a point where this is all just a bad memory that he only remembers the vague feeling of.

He can’t convince himself.

Connor’s name is bold on his arm like a brand.

Evan tries to convince himself that it’s nothing when he gets called down to the principal’s office. No emergency of any kind. Maybe it’s something to do with paperwork. Maybe it’s actually a good thing, which seems a little far fetched, but it gets him through the hallways.

When he opens the door, the principal isn’t there. Just two people he doesn’t know, a man who turns to look at him with blank eyes and a woman who looks like she’s about to have a breakdown.

He swallows. “Good morning. Is Mr. Howard…?” he trails off as they give him confused looks. “I-I just— sorry, they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal’s office…”

“Mr. Howard is, uh, he stepped outside,” the man explains.

“Oh.” Well that’s fine, Evan can just go find him then. Leave these two to the breakdown that he can see coming from the woman in almost slow motion because he’s been there before and he doesn’t want to be present—

“We wanted to speak with you in private,” the man says. Evan stares at him. “If you’d like to maybe…” He gestures to a chair.

Evan hesitates before he sits down. He frantically searches his mind, desperate to find some sort of memory of these two, to know if they have any connection to him at all whatsoever, if they’re supposed to be people he knows and remembers.

“We’re, uh…we’re Connor’s parents.”

“Oh.” Evan is back in the computer lab as Connor reads the letter, anxiety building and crushing him into pieces. This can’t be about that, Connor wouldn’t have told his parents about it, his parents wouldn’t come to school and call him out of class because of it, it doesn’t make sense it doesn’t make sense it doesn’t make—

The woman pulls a folded piece of paper out of her purse, holding it carefully.

Evan stares at it. There’s no way…

“Why don’t you go ahead, honey, and…?”

“I’m going as fast as I can,” the woman says, her voice trembling. It sounds like she’s about to burst into tears.

Evan grips the arms of the chair.

“That’s not what I said, is it?” the man asks sharply.

The silence weighs down on Evan like an anchor. Or like his anxiety. Everything feels like anxiety, the air, the silence, the room…

Connor’s mother holds the paper out to Evan. “This is… Connor…he wants you to have this.” Her voice is shaking more now and Evan wants to be anywhere else.

Evan takes the paper. He wants to rip it up into shreds, set it on fire, and flush the ashes down the toilet.

“We didn’t,” the man starts, “we’d never heard your name before, Connor never…but then we saw… ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.”

Evan resists the urge to crumple the letter up in his hands. “He, um, he gave this to you?” he asks carefully. He still doesn’t understand. How could one pathetic letter bring the Murphys here?

“We didn’t know that you two were friends.”

Evan inhales sharply. “F-friends?”

“We didn’t think that Connor had any friends,” the man continues. “And then we see this note and it’s— this seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor are, or at least for Connor, he thinks of you as…” He points to the letter, struggling through his words. “I mean, it’s right there. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’. It’s addressed to you. He wrote it to you.”

Oh. Oh no. Oh no. “You think this is— you think that Connor wrote this to me.”

The woman nods. “These are the words he wanted to share with you.”

“He wanted them to be his last words,” the man adds.

Whatever Evan wanted to say vanishes from his mind. “I-I’m sorry. What do you mean, last words?”

Connor’s parents exchange a glance.

Evan doesn’t need them to say it outloud. He already knows.

“Connor, uh, Connor tried to take his own life,” the man says slowly. “He’s in the hospital right now.”

“He…what?” Evan knows. He knows he knows he knows he knows but the words aren’t processing and everything is turning to static.

“This is all we found with him. He had it folded up in his pocket.” Evan scrambles for words, for anything that will stop this. “You can see that he’s… He probably wanted to explain it, why he tried to…” Evan shakes his head, but Connor’s father keeps going and Evan feels sick. “‘I wish that everything was different. I wish that I were part of something. I wish that what I said mattered to anyone.’”

“Please stop it, Larry,” Connor’s mother interrupts.

Evan wipes his palms on his pants. This is bad this is so bad. “But, that’s, this isn’t—” Those are his words. His. Connor never would’ve wanted— ”I’m sorry. Connor, um, Connor d-didn’t write this.”

“What does that mean?” Cynthia asks, voice on the edge of hysterical.

“Connor didn’t— he didn’t write this,” Evan stutters. He doesn’t know how much clearer he can get, but Connor — their son — tried to commit suicide and here he is telling them that what they think isn’t true because really, it would be just like Evan to become the villain in a story he didn’t even realize he was a part of.

“What does he mean?” Cynthia repeats, louder as she grabs her husband’s hand.

“He’s obviously in shock,” Larry says in such a matter-of-fact way that part of Evan almost believes him.

“N-no,” Evan protests. “I just, he didn’t—”

“It’s right here!” Cynthia points at the letter aggressively.

Evan can’t do this. He can’t breathe. “I-I’m sorry, but I should probably just— can I please go now?”

“If this isn’t— if Connor didn’t write this, then—”

“Cynthia,” Larry says sharply. “Please. Calm down.”

Evan grabs for his backpack. “I should go now.”

“But did he say anything to you?” Cynthia asks desperately. “Did you see anything—?”

“I really should go,” Evan interrupts. Because she’s grasping at straws and trying to understand and she can’t and won’t and he doesn’t want to be here for that.

“Cynthia, honey this is not the time.”

“This is all we have!” she wails. “Conor won’t tell us, he’ll never tell us!”

“Honey. Listen to me. Please.” Larry puts a hand over Cynthia’s. She pulls away and buries her face in her hands, sobbing.

Evan needs to leave.

“Cynthia.”

Evan holds out the letter, hand shaking. “You should just— you should take it. Please.” He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he keeps it. He doesn’t want to be near it anymore.

Cynthia looks up at him, cheeks tearstained and eyes overflowing, and gasps. “Larry, look!” She points to Evan’s arm. “His cast.”

Connor’s name.

Evan glances down at his cast. He’d forgotten, somehow, amidst all of this, he had forgotten—

Twenty dollars.

For as long as Connor needed him to be his friend.

“His best and most dearest friend,” Cynthia recites.

The ground opens up and swallows Evan whole.

—«·»—

They try to get him to go to the hospital. Try to get him to visit Connor. He keeps shaking his head and tripping over his words.

He can’t.

He can’t be there and see Connor in a hospital bed and pretend. He can’t keep that up. He can’t keep this up.

He feels like he’s going to be sick.

Eventually Larry got it. “He’s processing,” he had said to Cynthia.

Cynthia grabbed Evan’s hand and said, “He should be out in a day or two. But you can visit him whenever you’re ready.” And she’d smiled.

And Evan had smiled back.

Because he’s a liar.

—«·»—

When Evan gets home, he tears apart his bookshelf until he finds the book he hid the sticky note in. He pulls it out of the book and stares at it, the numbers swimming before his eyes. He’s managed not to have a panic attack yet but—

He puts the sticky note on the his laptop and finds the twenty he had stuffed in a drawer.

It’s just a bill. There are millions like it. It’s just a twenty dollar bill.

Evan swallows back bile.

He feels gross. Bad. Anxious (that’s not new). Uncomfortable.

He scratches his cast. If only this were off his arm. If only he hadn’t let Connor sign it. If only he hadn’t fallen out of that tree. If only he had.

If only he’d been higher.

His phone rings loudly from where it’s sitting on his bed and snaps him out of his trance. He doesn’t know how long he just stood there, staring at a bill, but he feels weirdly out of place now that he realizes he hasn’t moved for what was probably a strangely long period of time. Now he’s too aware of himself and his body.

It’s just a text from Jared, asking about something for class. Jared doesn’t text unless it’s related to schoolwork.

Evan puts the money down on his desk.

How the hell does he do this?

Evan doesn’t know what standard protocol for these types of things is, but he doesn’t really know what to do with himself when he sees Connor in the halls eight days later.

His first thought is ‘he’s back?’

His second thought is ‘oh no he’s back.’

Evan has been avoiding Zoe for eight days. He takes alternate routes when he sees her in the hallways, he doesn’t pass her locker if he can help it. They made eye contact once and he felt his insides shrivel up. He doesn’t know if her parents told her about the letter, he doesn’t know if they questioned Connor about it, he doesn’t know anything. He just doesn’t want to be a piece in some game that they’re playing.

It’s a bad day.

He gets through a class and a half before he stumbles into the bathroom, hands shaking and breaths shallow.

Evan doesn’t like confrontation. It makes him feel nauseous and dizzy and there’s no way this can end without confrontation.

He doesn’t know if he’s going to make it through the rest of the day.

—«·»—

Evan makes it through the rest of the day. Barely. The ‘barely’ is important. He didn’t pay much attention and when he did, he didn’t retain much of the information, but he didn’t have a meltdown in class and for now that has to be good enough.

He goes to the computer lab to print his letter for the day because it’s normal and part of his schedule. And because he’s still pretending he can do this assignment. That he can pretend that everything is okay when nothing is okay at all. That he can find some optimism in a world that’s permanently gray.

Connor Murphy is sitting at one of the computers.

He has his feet kicked up on the table and his hood pulled down over his eyes.

Evan decides the best thing to do is leave. He can print the letter tomorrow. Change his schedule to do it before school. Be anywhere other than here.

Connor sits up as soon as he turns to leave.

“Evan, right?” Connor asks, tugging on his hoody.

“Y-yeah.” Evan grips the straps of his backpack. He needs to ground himself. Somehow.

Connor sighs. “Sorry about…” He gestures vaguely with a hand. “My parents. I heard they jumped you.”

“Not ex-exactly,” Evan mumbles. He’s trying to form an exit strategy but his mind isn’t working right.

“Yeah well Larry is a piece of shit and my mom hasn’t really stopped crying in days.” Connor pulls his legs down and stands up from the chair and oh god Evan forgot how tall he was. “Good job getting out of visiting. It was the fucking worst.”

Evan glances at the ground. He sees Connor’s name on his cast out of the corner of his eye. He tightens his grip on his backpack. “W-was it planned?”

Connor shrugs. “This is like the fourth time I’ve tried, why does it fucking matter anymore?”

Evan grits his teeth. “Was it planned?”

Connor scoffs. “Why do you care?”

Evan looks up at him. “B-because you paid me!” He lifts his cast toward Connor. “You signed this cast and made it look like we were—”

“Oh my god,” Connor murmurs.

“What was I supposed to do?!” Because that’s the question. What did Connor want from him?! Why him?

Connor tore at his hair. “Are you fucking serious—”

“What was I supposed to do if you died?” Evan interrupts. “What then? Y-your family already thinks we’re best friends—”

“I can’t believe I tried to kill myself and you—”

“— Was I just supposed to lie?! Lie about being best friends with the dead kid? Was that your plan, Connor?!”

“Oh fuck off!” Connor shouts.

Evan shakes his head. His mind is spinning and there are all these possibilities and he feels like he’s going to fall over. “Because it sure feels like you were using me and I know what it’s like to— I know what it feels like and I’ve been there but I never thought ‘oh man I should drag this other person down with me’, I just jumped out of a fucking tree!”

Evan breathes heavily as Connor stares at him, eyes wide.

“…you what?” Connor asks. There’s no anger in his voice, just—

Evan reruns his last words in his mind.

Oh no.

“N-no no I-I just meant—” Evan holds his hands out in front of him and shakes his head. “I di-didn’t—” He steps backward and stumbles over himself. “I-I need— I have to go.”

He twists around, tripping as he runs out of the computer lab, slamming his shoulder against the door to open it as he flees.

He thinks Connor might call after him.

He doesn’t care.

#dear evan hansen #deh fanfic #connor murphy #evan hansen #my fics #yeah im too lazy for this

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quack-and-yellow · 6 years

Text

Free Fall – Max Meyer One Shot

For Anna. Thanks for the plot! Tweaked it a bit – hope you don’t mind. :)

Also, my sister and my good friend Dana talked me into being “un-petty” when it comes to writing, and I love them too much to resist. So here’s a fic about the only Schalke player I can stand. :)))))

—

Ibiza was a bad idea. Anna knew it, yet she agreed to go with her best friends. If anything, it was a test for her heart – if she had already moved on from her breakup.

Too soon, Anna, she thought bitterly as she looked away from the couple who started making out on the beach deck chair in front of her. Too soon.

If she could have her say about breakups, it’s that the bawling and the sleepless nights aren’t the worst parts. The shittiest part is what comes after. How it taints just about anything – names, places, things and holidays. She ended up hating something she used to enjoy, simply because it reminded her of her ex.

In this case, the world’s party capital had his name written all over it – where he almost tripped when he was drunk, where they made out, where they watched the sunset… She used to love the beach and getting a tan, the nightlife and possibly everything about Ibiza. Now she hated it. It was hot and crowded and not at all breathtaking. Her ex ruined it for her.

“You are turning into somewhat of a killjoy,” Brenda huffed.

Anna glanced at Brenda and knew her friend was referring to her. She noticed Brenda’s tan lines for the first time, with her blonde hair pulled into a messy bun. On a normal day, she would have been envious. Brenda always gets the sexiest tan lines.

“It’s our second day here,” Carmen added, who was also tanned to perfection. Her sandy brown curls blew in the wind. “We haven’t gone to a single club because you sleep earlier than my grandmother.”

“My grandma is more fun than you,” Brenda chided.

Anna opened her mouth to argue, but thought better and quickly shut it. It’s true, she planned to spend her whole stay cooped up in their room, which wasn’t such a bad idea with a queen-sized comfy bed, Netflix and greasy hotel food. No wonder the harsh sun blinded her the moment her friends dragged her sorry ass out.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Carmen accused.

“Oh, get a grip. It’s been, what, two months?” Brenda said, frowning.

“A month and a half, I think,” Carmen corrected.

“Still a long time to be sitting around moping, if you ask me,” the blonde said with a smirk.

“Hello? You’re talking about me in front of me,” Anna snapped. “What kind of friends are you?” She snatched Brenda’s margarita and took a long sip.

“The kind who only wants the best for you,” Brenda said, snatching her drink back. “The kind who can be brutally honest with you because you need it.”

Anna threw her hands in defeat. “God, fine, what do you want to do?”

Shrieks and laughter suddenly pierced the monotonous crashing of waves on the beach. Anna looked at the direction of the noise.

“Oh wait,” she said, wriggling her eyebrows at them. “I know what I want to do.”

***

The cliff-diving spot was the only untainted spot in Ibiza that Anna could remember. She has always wanted to try it, but her ex wouldn’t let her and he never said anything about accompanying her. Maybe he was scared? What a loser.

“There are so many hot guys here,” Brenda said, giggling. “Hot, daring guys are a yes in my book. Good call, Anna.”

Carmen reprimanded her with a shake of the head then turned to her other friend. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Anna almost replied, yes, ever since my first day in Ibiza with him, but that would mean he’s still part of this spot. Anna wouldn’t allow it. This was her spot. She nodded. “Should I go first?”

“Wait!” Brenda hissed. “You should ask one of them to jump with you.”

“Do you ever quit?” Anna shot her a dirty look, but she couldn’t deny that her friend was right. An adventurous spirit sure is attractive.

“Come on, just for fun?” Brenda pressed eagerly.

“Yeah,” Carmen chimed in, eyeing a guy in red board shorts.

Anna rolled her eyes and surveyed the few ones who hadn’t jumped yet. “Okay, I choose that short guy.” She pointed at a blond in black board shorts who was horsing around with two of his friends. They were trying to push each other off the cliff.

“But that’s…” Carmen whispered. “That’s Max Meyer.”

“I know,” Anna said nonchalantly, flipping her long hair. “I mean, what do I have to lose? I got dumped, right?”

She also knew that a famous person like Max would refuse, and that was all she needed to get her friends off her back.

Anna strode confidently towards the guys, but she felt all poise dwindle when Max met her gaze. She quickly averted her eyes and, in the last minute, turned to his friend in pink shorts instead.

“Hi!” she greeted cheerfully, mustering her cutest smile. “I’m Anna.”

“Hi, Anna.” Pink Dude gave her a once-over, which made her freeze from self-consciousness. “What can I do for you?”

“It’s – it’s my first time to try this.” Anna gestured at a couple that just jumped, their shrieks fading into a splash below. “I was wondering if I could ask you to jump with me?” She fluttered her eyelashes for good measure, which made her cringe inside. What the hell, Anna?

“I can jump with you,” Max offered from behind Pink Dude.

Anna’s mouth dropped open and she glanced at her friends, panicking. He’s supposed to say no!

The Schalke midfielder’s expression was that of indifference but there’s also no denying the confidence, even in his voice. He might be the shortest but he looked like the badass boss – and with a tattoo sleeve to boot. The thought made Anna want to laugh and, to her mortification, an actual snort escaped her. Max raised an eyebrow at her.

“Oh! Oh, wow,” she exclaimed, laughing nervously. “Wow, that’s so kind of you. Thank you.”

The two taller guys stepped back to give them space on the edge. Anna peered down and gulped. The heads bobbing below looked so tiny. It was deeper than she thought.

“Don’t look down,” Max said. His tone almost sounded like an order.

She drew in a shuddered breath and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Do you want to run or just jump from here?” he asked.

“J-jump… here,” she stammered.

Max took her hand, and he didn’t say anything about how dead cold it was. Anna opened her eyes and looked into his blue ones and then at their hands clasped together. Her heart hammered in her chest and her knees buckled. She bounced on the balls of her feet so he wouldn’t notice.

“Ready?” he asked.

She took a deep breath and nodded. Max counted to three under his breath, squeezed her hand and then together they leaped through the air.

The water was surprisingly warm, and sinking into it was strangely calming. It blocked everything out. Anna wished she could open her eyes and see what it looked like underwater. It was only when she felt a tug at her hand that she realized Max was with her. She let herself be pulled back up to the surface.

Max was the first to break out of the water. He watched as she slowly blinked away the sting from the saltwater and felt around to check if her bikini was still intact. When he realized this, he looked away, his cheeks burning.

“Stay close to me,” he said in between gulps of air.

Anna squinted at him and slipped through his grasp, breaking into a freestyle stroke away from him, away from the noise.

“Hey!” he called, chasing after her.

She ducked under, grateful for the warmth and hush of the water. She stayed underneath until she felt her lungs burn. When she resurfaced, she was a good distance away from the people and the cliff itself.

“You’re not a first-timer,” Max said, swimming towards her.

Anna began treading water. She couldn’t help but laugh even as she panted.

“So you’re not? It’s just a bet or what?”

She couldn’t tell if he was pissed because he had the same indifferent look and tone. “In the first place, I asked Pink Dude to jump with me,” she argued.

He chuckled. “That’s Samy.”

They looked at the distant cliff and could barely hear the noise from the people. The crashing of waves was soothing to Anna’s ears.

“It’s my first time, I swear,” she said. “But I’ve always wanted to do it.”

“Why just now?”

She paused, trying her best not think of the real reason. “I’m trying to make new memories of this place.”

Max tilted his head sideways, smirking. “Cheesy. Got dumped here or something?”

Anna bit her lip, tasting the saltwater. His brash statement felt like a slap on the face, but she quickly dismissed it. She knew she couldn’t hold it against the football player, who was a stranger to her feelings.

When she didn’t respond, Max averted his gaze, realizing his rudeness. “It’s brave of you to try something new,” he mumbled, floating on his back.

“Thanks,” Anna said quietly. “Thanks for jumping with me too.”

Max closed his eyes and smirked again.

She floated on her back too and spread her arms sideways. She tilted her face to the sun and felt her skin starting to burn. Their fingers touched and soon the skin of their arms as they floated side by side. Anna smiled. For the first time in a long while, she felt at peace with her heart. With Ibiza. With the world.

“Hey.” Max’s voice broke into her thoughts, and a splash on her face startled her. “We should head back.”

She glared at him and splashed him back. They did it for a while, chasing each other on the surface.

“Race you to the shore?” he challenged.

Anna won, and she didn’t dare tease him about his height because, in truth, he was still taller than her. Max grumbled good-naturedly when he reached the shore. With both hands, he wiped the water from his face and rubbed his blond head. Anna couldn’t help but run her gaze appreciatively on his bare upper body. Droplets of water glistened on his skin and ran in rivulets down his toned chest and stomach. She blushed and guiltily lowered her gaze to the white sand.

She pondered on the fall earlier. There was no time to think about anything because it happened so fast, but she remembered feeling weightless. As if nothing mattered – just the pull of gravity. And it felt good. Someday, she would be ready to fall again.

“Anna,” Max said, and the sound of her name in his voice – in a friendly tone – made her stomach flip.

She looked up cautiously and found the corner of his lips turned upward in a smirk. She felt his expression growing on her.

“Want to try again?” He held out his hand to her.

Anna’s fingers tingled with excitement. She smiled and took his hand.

#max meyer #max meyer imagine #max meyer one shot #max meyer fanfic #football fanfiction #for a dortmund fan i enjoyed writing this #even if it took me 4382 years #im hopeless #and the worst #also meyer is like julian brandt's older brother #who is a bad boy hahaha

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bangtan-ruined-mylife-fam · 7 years

Text

The Seventh Sense: Part 2

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Genre: Supernatural!AU, Fanasty, Angst, Fluff, Smut

Chaewon picked you and Jimin up from your house, but she seemed odd so you decided to talk to her once you got to the party, but before you could catch up with her you seen him.

Your ex-boyfriend Im Jaebum with some random girl, it’s only 3 months after your break up, how could he throw away a 4 year relationship just like that? Your felt tears start to prick your eyes before you quickly blinked them away as soon as you saw Jimin intently staring at you “You know it’s rude to stare…” you say half jokingly, half serious “Sorry… But are you ok? We can leave if you want…” Jimin looked at you with worried eyes as his lips curved into a comforting smile “It’s fine…” you looked back at Jaebum and the mysterious girl and Jimin turned to see who you were looking at “Is he an ex-boyfriend of yours?” You looked at him wide eyed and then looked at the ground “Yeah…” he than rubbed your back comfortingly “Would you like to talk about it?- -It’s completely fine if you don’t want to…” you nodded your head “Yeah lets do that”

FIVE YEARS AGO:

“But Eomma! Why can’t you go give it to them! I have to unpack!” you whined “Oh stop your whining Y/N, you need to make some new friends and I heard there is a boy that lives there that’s around your age. Now go!” she turned to go back to unpacking “But Eom-” “-Go! And bring them some of those rice cakes before they get cold!”

You walked over to the Im house and knocked on the door, to be greeted by a handsome boy around your age. “H-hey I’m Y/N… I’m your new neighbor… I brought you rice cakes.” He looked at the box of rice cakes and then back at you “Thank you, my names Jaebum.” He took the box out of your hands “Would you like to come in?” “Oh no that’s fine I don’t want to intrude” he smiled at you “No come in, it’s burning out here.” you smiled and nodded “Ok just for a little bit.”

You ended staying till dinner Jaebum’s parents loved you and you found out that you had a lot in common with Jaebum. You two were inseparable after that, you spent every moment together and nobody could get in between you and him.

After the school bell rang to signal the end of class Jaebum walked you to your favorite coffee shop “Hey, can I ask you something” you looked at your best friend and smiled “Of course” “Well there is this girl and I really like her…” For some strange reason your heart sank “Oh” was all you could get out “I really want to ask her out, we are both really close…” your mind was racing with questions “So… Y/N would you like to go out with me” your stomach dropped and your mouth hung open “U-u-uh um… uh I- yes” he smiled and hugged you “I was scared you were going to say no for a second there.” You smiled even bigger and then broke the hug “How could I saw no to this face” you pinched his cheeks and he made a face “Lets get going I want to show you something.” You grabbed your stuff “Ok lets go.”

You went to a park and walked around while you watched the sunset “Wow” you said under your breath, Jaebum chuckled “Yeah, it’s pretty right?” you looked at him “It is, thank you for showing me this”

The two of you never had a dull moment, everyday was great with him and you truly loved him. You couldn’t see a future without Jaebum in it. It was always the same dream the two growing old together with children of your own.

TWO MONTHS AGO:

You had just got out of your last class for the day and was heading to the store to pick up some food. You were about to checkout that’s when you seen Jaebum kissing another girl. Your heart and stomach dropped at the sight, uncontrollable tears running down your cheeks as you heaved for air. You ran out of the store and jumped in the car and slammed the palm of your hand against the steering wheel and yelled “How could he? I thought I was the only one. Why me, what did I do to deserve this betrayal! I fucking give him my heart and this is what he fucking repays me with? Cheating!” You scoffed you had noticed him acting weird but you never paid much mind to it, you thought maybe it was because of your anniversary coming up. You internally screamed at yourself for being so naïve, You had noticed he was spending less time with you, never speaking to you, not walking back to your dorm after class was over, and never staying the night over like he used too. Your train of thought started to drift to the girl he was kissing, she had long brown hair and a perfect body from what you could see.

You cried for days, it was truly over and he broke up in the worse way ever. If it wasn’t for Chaewon being with you through this dark time yoou don’t have a clue what you would have done.

PRESENT DAY:

“So yeah… he was my first love, first kiss, my first everything. Nobody could replace him.” Jimin hugged you and rubbed your back “Well I’m sorry how poorly he treated you… But I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me that and also I think you could do so much better than the likes of him” he broke the hug and winked at you, you giggled “Yeah, sure whatever” he smiled “We should get back” you smiled back at him “Race ya!” you both took off, you pointed your foot out to trip Jimin, he fell to the ground and you were laughing until he pulled you down with him “Yah! Park Jimin” he smiled at you “What I couldn’t help myself!” he defended, you smacked his chest “I’ll get you back.” you threatened jokingly, Jimin helped you get up his hands rested on your waist before you noticed were his hands were you heard someone cough, you looked away from Jimin towards were the sound came from and your eyes landed on the one and only Im Jaebum. “Hey Y/N… Can we talk? Alone.” his eyes flickered between where Jimin’s hands rested at your waist and you. “Um” you looked at Jimin his eyes yelling at you not to go. “Jimin I will be back… If I’m not back in 10 call me.” you could see Jaebum smirk at Jimin “Jaebum you better make this quick. I have people I rather be with than you.” you spat Jaebum stopped looking at Jimin you then turned and walked away “Do you want to talk or not your down to 6 minutes” he then ran up beside you “So what do you want?” you questioned him “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, that breaking up with you was the worst decision of my life, I’m miserable without you. Y/N I love you and only you, I’m so so so sorry! I know I was a dick towards you, but do you think you could ever take me back?” you looked him in his eyes “No, I don’t love you and I never will again.” you turned around and walk back to where Jimin was waiting for you “Back so soon” you smiled “Lets get a drink” he nodded and you both walked to the kitchen where you could see Chaewon outside sitting by the pool “Hey, I’ll be right back” you looked at Jimin “Your leaving me again!” Jimin fake pouted “I’ll be back soon” you patted his head and walked over to Chaewon “Hey, Chae are you ok? I haven’t seen you all night. Is something going on?” you stopped asking questions when you noticed she was crying, you then hugged her “Hey, tell me what’s going on your scaring me? Did someone hurt you?” she shook her head “No I hurt myself… but you most of all I betrayed you. I’m so sorry Y/N! I’m a terrible friend!” you went to ask her what she was talking about but you got cut off by a gunshot and people screaming and running in all different directions. You then seen Jimin running towards you, he picked you up off the ground and started to run through the house to get back to the car “Y/N please don’t look cover your eyes please” his voice was shaky “Ok” was all you could get out but you seen what had happened already. Blood was everywhere, a gun laid on the floor next to his body which used to be full of life now cold and still.

Jimin threw you into the passengers seat and then drove off without looking back “J-jimin who did that to him?” He kept his gaze on the road “I’m not sure he got into a fight and this guy ended up having a gun.” Your eyes welled up with tears “Where are we going?” You had just noticed that you had passed the road to your house “We are going to my house.” You pulled up to a nice two story house, you opened the car door and walked up to the house “Where’s Chaewon?” You looked at JImin “She left with some other people.” Your mind was racing “Oh.” You muttered Jimin got the door open and lead you to his room “You have a beautiful home.” He looked back at you and smiled “Thank you.” You walked into his room and sat down on his bed “You can stay in here” Jimin turned to walk out, but you grabbed his wrist “Where are you going?” You looked at him he was clearly taken aback “I’m going to sleep on the couch.” He looked at you and where you held him “Can you please stay in here. I don’t want to be alone.” His eyes softened and he nodded “Of course, but I call dibs on the right side!” you laughed “Here let me go get you something else to wear” he left the room and returned with a white tee-shirt and basketball shorts, he pointed to his bathroom “You can change in there.” You took the clothes and walked over to the bathroom. Once you changed Jimin was in a black tank and sweats laying on the bed on his phone.

When he seen you in his clothes his heart started doing somersaults. Why was he feeling this way? “Well hello there.” He looked up at you “Hi.” you giggled, Jimin’s mind was running wild with unanswered questions “Would you like to go on an adventure with me tomorrow?” he watched your eyes light up with excitement “Sure, sounds fun!” you smiled and he couldn’t help but smile back at you. You yawned fatigue finally hitting you, Jimin chuckled “We should get to sleep, we have have a big day ahead of us.” you finally closed your eyes and drifted off.

A/N: Hey Guys, I’m so sorry for the wait!! I have school and practices to deal with through the week but spring break is finally here so now I was able to finish up chapter 2! So I hope you enjoy!! Feedback and tips highly welcomed! ~ Lexi

#bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtan x reader #bangtan x you #bangtanxarmy #bangtan jimin #bangtan chimchim #bangtan jiminie #bts #BTS jimin #bts scenarios #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts chimchim #bts supernatural #bts x reader #bts x you

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kathryncalls · 7 years

Text

springboarding out of the friend zone

Yes, terrible title I know, but theres something I need to type out, something I need to air. Now I write this, it’s so horrendously typical but I’m still typing so lets see whether I can answer my own questions by writing it out. I feel like everyone else on the internet writes stuff that no one ever reads and it helps, so now its my turn.

I am so confused but so happy but so worried about getting my hopes up. Earlier I said that I’m so excited that I’m almost scared, and I know it’s because it’s too good to be true! You’re you and I still don’t know what that means. But you’ve been this ideal thing that I’ve always pushed aside in my mind, wanted to text because I just love speaking to you but have forced myself not to because we’re too good friends. Never in my life have I suppressed feelings because I genuinely couldn’t lose someone. If this weekend would never have happened then I don’t think I would’ve ever said anything. I know I’ve said 100 times that I don’t like her, but at the end of the day, if she was making you happy then I’m ok with that. It made me happy to hear you say that you were cutting the strings with her, I feel like you really do want me, which is so cool, honestly, it’s so surreal, and it’s stupid to say it’s surreal because surely surreal is going into freaking space, I don’t know it feels stupid to call it that either way. You told me how attractive you found me last night, which was adorable, I like that side of you, and I want to see more of it, but I’m still finding it weird. I want you be with you so much, and its something that Ive known would make me happy for a long time but it’s truly something that I’ve suppressed for years which feels weird to say, but I think that’s why I’m finding it weird to call you something less personal and stuff like that, and also to tell you how attractive I find you and what exactly I love about you. Ok, another thing, this is weird because at this point, we should be finding out about each other and getting to know one another, not telling you what I love about you, but because I’ve classed you as my friend for at least 18 months, I feel like we’ve jumped ahead 3 months… Its weird, I want you to take me on a date, but I don’t because its you, its us, but our first date would be so funny, so much fun, you make me laugh, you bring out the worst in me and your bring out the best, you make me happy to be me which is quite something. With him I felt like I was being someone that I was telling myself I wanted to be a little bit. He didn’t treat me like I wanted to be, but I held on and Im not sure why to be honest. I like to be treated like a princess, lets not lie, but I don’t like to be pandered too, I like to be strong in myself, I don’t want to be a house wife (that wasn’t a proposal, hypothetically) but at the same time, I want to cook you a nice meal for when you finish work, or iron your uniform whilst youre in the shower so you don’t have too. Im not a chocolates and flowers girl, Im a leave a note somewhere kind of girl, send me something that reminds me of us. I like to be a real unit with whoever I dedicate myself too, and I really do, when I dedicate myself to someone, now I know that you don’t do clingy, and I might end up coming across that way, its linked to the whole, me sounding pessimistic thing. I’m really really not feeling negative about any of this. I just do not want to screw it up, I can’t, for so many reasons! I can’t lose you as a friend regardless of what happens romantically between so I need to be careful how I tread here because I’m not prepared to lose you. See as I write that and think about it, maybe this is a bad idea because youre not as worried about our friendship as I am, you don’t seem to have these worries which could be such a bad sign, but at the same time, maybe its because you know exactly what you want? Another thing, you’ve told me multiple times that you’ve cheated before, never anything too serious but still, I cant cope with anyone doing that to me, let alone you, how am I supposed to maintain a friendship post breakup if you do that to me, I almost don’t want to give you the chance too…

Another thing. Distance. Realistically, we’ve both done long distance, and you say that the reason you cheated on her was because she wasn’t right, but you didn’t know that to start with, but now youre so sure, which is amazing, and I love that you think I’m right and that this is right, I agree so much, but again, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. ah shit I hate this feeling. And I keep having this argument with myself about whether its perfect or awful timing so here, pros and cons.

Great timing: You’re about to come home from spending 18 months in Spain, you’re not gonna be living at home, you’re probably going to be in London, you’ve got a job, you’re basically set

Awful timing: youre about to start your career, I’m about to move away from London, I’m about to go back into training, you might be miles away from London, our timetables might not match up

If you haven’t already got the jist, I am not letting this end sourly.

ah shit.

Anyway, finally, why I think you’re great: very intelligent, mature but immature, sociable, lovable, loved by mother, confident, amazing sense of humour, understands my love for the arts, cheeky, emotional, genuine, incredible gentleman and so so sexy, I don’t care how cringe it is, no ones gonna read this

we’re apart for valentines day too, which is weird because thatd be a great first date for us.. so do I send a card as a cute little joke, a serious card, or do I not even mention it? You know how much I want you to make all the first moves, I want to be asked out on date, I wanted to be kissed first, I want to be told I’m loved first ( a long way down the line)

Basically I just want to be excited about this and not have a million reasons why we cant do this cross my mind

we can do this,

no one is stopping us

theres no one to look over our shoulders when its just us, we live in the same town so visiting family together and Christmas wouldn’t be an issue

ahh stop taking everything so seriously, I try and run before I can walk, I think that’s where all the making the first move thing comes from, I don’t know

right now the best thing I could think to be doing is just isolating ourselves, running off to a city somewhere and submerging ourselves, without people watching, like you said, without people wondering why we look so happy, why I laugh at everything you say, why we lock eyes and pause for a little too long, (that’s another thing, when we went for lunch that time at Christmas, we kept locking eyes for just a few seconds too long, and please, I put a fucking dress on for you, you wore a suit, could’ve been taken as signs but I genuinely think we both, well I know for me this is the case, but I reckon we’ve deeply suppressed stuff for so long)

Ok ok, you wanna know when it really hit me that I wanted you for real… when you told me about A. Honestly. You’ve always been the one I’ve thought about when I felt shit in a relationship or when I’m alone, I mean please, ask K, he was sick of hearing about you no doubt, but I did love being with K before things got really hard, but that night when you told me about A in the pub, you know me so well, that ive no idea how you didn’t literally hear my heart sink. but again, supressed to and opted for ‘tell me more’.

I wish I could talk to you about all this, but its been a week since we kissed, that’s all, and 2 weeks ago you wanted to be single for a few years and now you want to be with me, easy for you to say when youre alone in a room in spain, homesick, will you say that when you move in with the boys and meet all the air hostesses, why the fuck do I think I can trust you? do I really think I can change you? like really? I want to think that youll dedicate yourself to me but I CANT LOSE YOU, I hope you understand how much this is paining me

you really don’t know this side of me, ive kept it from you on purpose

if I lose you I have no one

look who I turned too when I split up with H, and again with J and with K. you.

Who do I turn to when its you I split up with? Also, a huge part of my just wants a nice house out of the city where we can live together, with a puppy just us, but that's in the future...

Just come home Ben

(if anyone is still reading this, please, do share your thoughts - a very confused 20yo)

#confused #friendzone #inorout #dilemma #overthinking

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