#and then proceeded to name it the mistake i love them so fucking much
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Relationship hc's
ʚїɞ Nakahara Chuuya x Gn!Reader
ʚїɞ Keep in mind English is not my first language, so you may find mistakes!
ʚїɞ Dazai's version
ʚїɞ word count: 1425
ʚїɞ Tw’s: None! Just pure fluff, pet names are used, reader’s gender is not specified in any way
ཐིཋྀ I love this man
ཐིཋྀ Anyway
ཐིཋྀ We all know he would be a gentleman to you <3
ཐིཋྀ Whether you live together or not, there's always a bouquet of your favorite flowers in a vase somewhere. Once they show even a small sign of dying he replaces them
ཐིཋྀ You still aren't sure how he knows about the flowers starting to wilt even when he's in another part of Japan or even another fucking country
ཐིཋྀ This man does both fancy and casual types of dates. Prefers fancy ones tho
ཐིཋྀ "Why have so much money and not use it to spoil the shit out of the love of my life?" <--- Chuuya wanting to spoil the fuck out of you all the time
ཐིཋྀ You probably live together after quite a short amount of time, like less than 8 months kind of short
ཐིཋྀ He's just so worried about your safety :(
ཐིཋྀ Both generally and because of his position as an executive
ཐིཋྀ You don't mind tho, don't lie to yourself
ཐིཋྀ Protective. Not overprotective but it's definitely up there on the scale. Kinda justified though
ཐིཋྀ Possessive mf
ཐིཋྀ Again, you don't mind as it's not to the point of being controlling and shit
ཐིཋྀ If you're in the PM, he still worries, just a little less since he knows you can take care of yourself
ཐིཋྀ If you're not an executive, you work under him for sure. Chuuya requested a change (if you weren't under him from the start) as soon as he realized this funny feeling he gets around you is love <3
ཐིཋྀ You know Dazai. No questions asked or doubt
ཐིཋྀ I saw around some time ago that someone wrote that Dazai breaks into wherever Chuuya lives. I’m sure it ain’t canon so just saying I very much hc him doing that
ཐིཋྀ You can see what I’m getting at, you probably met because of Dazai breaking into your guys' place😭
ཐིཋྀ Imagine you're cooking or something and hear someone in the house (Dazai doesn't try to hide he's there since he thinks Chuuya's home because of the light in the kitchen), thinking it's Chuuya you go to greet him before realizing it's not him but someone else-
ཐིཋྀ "Who are you and why are you here?"
ཐིཋྀ "Those should be my questions asshole!"
ཐིཋྀ "The fuck you mean?"
ཐིཋྀ "I live here? You literally broke into my house!"
ཐིཋྀ "You live here? But it's the slugs house isn't it? Did I break into the wrong place???" He knows he didn't
ཐིཋྀ "Wait 'slugs'-"
ཐིཋྀ You totally didn't realize who Dazai is because of that nickname, nope. Chuuya didn't complain about a mackerel at all no-
ཐིཋྀ That was literally yall's first convo
ཐིཋྀ Dazai standing like he should be there, and you standing there with a gun pointed at him (that you have from Chuuya because he has weapons all over the house just in case anyway. That one was in the kitchen)
ཐིཋྀ You guys proceeded to talk like you guys knew each other for years until the ginger came home and flipped the fuck out at the sight
ཐིཋྀ He thought you would have a peaceful life by not knowing the stack of bandages
ཐིཋྀ And to the gingers' chagrin, you and the brunette ended up being good friends
ཐིཋྀAs to who knows about yall depends on who you are
ཐིཋྀ If you're in the PM, most if not all will know at some point
ཐིཋྀ Mori would probably not do anything about it as long as it doesn't affect your guys' performance on missions
ཐིཋྀ If you're a civilian, the people who know about you are the people he's the closest to and Mori somehow finds out
ཐིཋྀ Kouyou adores you if you share at least some interests and you don't mind being friends with mafiosos (basically not judging them just because of their work)
ཐིཋྀ You guys drink tea together. Even if you don't like tea, she managed to find one that you like
ཐིཋྀ Even if you don't share interests, she will have nothing against you as long as you ain't hurting Chuuya
ཐིཋྀ Akutagawa siblings know for sure, you basically adopted them LMAO
ཐིཋྀ You and Gin go shopping together, sometimes tugging Ryu around against his will with yall
ཐིཋྀ I mentioned Mori, he at first didn't care if the relationship didn't change anything and Chuuya was as efficient as normally
ཐིཋྀ But Elise met you in the city by accident and decided she likes you and deemed you her friend, so Moto “asked” you to play with her from time to time
ཐིཋྀ Goodluck if you're a low-energy person
ཐིཋྀ If you're in the PM and Elise wants to Play with you, you are for sure a little bit safer around Mori
ཐིཋྀ He doesn't want to deal with her whining and throwing a tantrum if he doesn't have to, so if you not being killed will make Elise happy, he won't do it
ཐིཋྀ Going back to the topic
ཐིཋྀ Rides on his motorcycle with you holding him tightly from behind right?
ཐིཋྀ Mf rides faster than necessary just because he likes it when you squeeze his waist because you think you will fall off
ཐིཋྀ He won't let you but oh well
ཐིཋྀ Similar to Dazai, man has got a grip of steel, so good luck getting up from his lap, cuddling, or in the morning if he won't want you to. We all know he ain’t weak, not in the slightest
ཐིཋྀ Would teach you self-defense if you don't already know it. He for sure doesn’t complain at having to do that, the view he gets is quite pretty y’know? You can say the same about your view :)
ཐིཋྀ This is purely a hc of mine but he would teach you French if you will ask him!!!
ཐིཋྀ Yes I'm one of those who hc that Chuuya either generally knows French due to Kouyou teaching him and Dazai, or he has some French genetics and wanted to just learn it either way taught by Kouyou LMAO
ཐིཋྀ Hope you aren’t weak to French because he can and will flirt with you in it <3
ཐིཋྀ If you are tho, knees? Weak. Nonexistent. Goodbye.
ཐིཋྀ Mister here will use it to his advantage. He knows what he’s doing and he ain’t stopping
ཐིཋྀ If you know a language he doesn't, he will gladly learn it just to speak in it with you. Especially if you're a foreigner, he certainly will learn your native tongue at one point. But, if you know a language he doesn't just because you wanted to know it, he learns it anyway
ཐིཋྀ Another way to shit-talk people without their knowledge <33
“I'm so lucky to be dating your pretty ass”
“I don't understand, doll. Say it in a language I can understand.”
“No, I don't think so, pretty boy”
“Are you cussing me out or something?”
ཐིཋྀ ^You talking to Chuuya in your language before he knew it to confuse him
ཐིཋྀ He was indeed confused
ཐིཋྀ Speaking of hc’s, heterochromia Chuuya <3
ཐིཋྀ You love his eyes, one blue and one brown. You fluster him because of just staring at his eyes and at him generally
ཐིཋྀ He lets you play with his hair, style, and all
ཐིཋྀ It's so soft you considered stealing his hair stuff when you first run your hands through it
ཐིཋྀ He wouldn't mind, wouldn't even try to stop you. Would probably encourage it actually
ཐིཋྀ It's playing into his possessiveness
ཐིཋྀ This man has style, we know that. He also happens to have a big closet with his clothes :)
ཐིཋྀ Want a Chuuya-looking puddle on the floor? Wear. His. Clothes.
ཐིཋྀ The ginger will literally die if he comes home to you wearing his clothes. Anything. Wear anything and you will spot a wild Chuuya puddle in its natural habitat the floor
ཐིཋྀ AND IF YOU ASK HIM IF YOU CAN WEAR HIS STUFF WHILE EMBARRASSED???
ཐིཋྀ You make him want to sob :(
ཐིཋྀ Happily of course
ཐིཋྀ Use his shower stuff like shampoo and walk around in his clothes
ཐིཋྀ It does things to him
ཐིཋྀ Both fluffy and unholy thoughts are in this man's head if you’re just wearing his stuff
“Doll, you can’t do this to me.”
“Huh?”
ཐིཋྀ You’re either genuinely confused by his words or playing with him
ཐིཋྀ It ends the same anyways :)
ཐིཋྀ “Take my card and go crazy, love.”
ཐིཋྀ ^Chuuya on any occasion
ཐིཋྀ If he could he would spend his money on you, he would but you always stop him
ཐིཋྀ Therefore that’s Chuuya on any occasion because he has an excuse for it
ཐིཋྀ Price tag? What’s that?
ཐིཋྀ It doesn’t exist in his eyes, you are worth every single penny in his wallet <3
ཐིཋྀ You guys have spa days at home
ཐིཋྀ Share skin care routines if you can
Notes, comments, reblogs and anything else is greatly appreciated
#bsd x reader#bsd x gender neutral reader#bsd x y/n#bsd x you#x reader#chuuya x reader#chuuya nakahara x reader#port mafia x reader
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as promised, here it is: The Big Life Update Post (aka m where the hell have u been and what the hell is going on with this blog)
TLDR: went thru it, came out better for it, i love y'all. and we're getting back into this writing thing as i have the time and capacity 🥳
2023 has been a bit of a whirlwind, to put it very mildly. while the first three months started off relatively smoothly, my saturn return began in the middle of march. only a few short weeks after that... well, i'd basically say everything went off the fucking rails.
content warning: drama talk incoming ft. extremely brief mentions of racism and racist hate mail (no specific details shared).
i haven't spoken on this yet since everything happened, and i want to be explicitly clear that i won't be speaking on it further after this post. but i just want you to understand where i've been at since april.
i will own it entirely and say: i fucked up. i put content in a story that i shouldn't have, that i had no business speaking on, and i think people were well within their right to call me out on it, one hundred percent. however, after i went offline at the end of april, my friends ended up learning that the person who initially stirred up all of the "tea", and submitted the first several anonymous posts about me to a hate blog, was actually someone i knew well and considered a friend.
this was someone whose stories i gladly beta'd, someone i consoled through multiple hard moments in their life, someone i actually even met in person. yep. this was also someone who had read the chapter of my story that featured the problematic content when it was released, and proceeded to send me paragraphs upon paragraphs of how much they enjoyed it, and the story as a whole. this is not to say that people can't change their minds on content after sitting with it, not at all. but to think that i had been through so much with this person, done so much to be there for them, and that they never once gave me any reason to think we were anything other than close friends. yet ultimately, they didn't feel they could come directly to me... or find quite literally any other way of dealing with the issue?
instead, they chose to send multiple messages about me to a hate blog, as well as hateful anons to several of my friends, thinking that we wouldn't know it was them (we did). not only that, but their actions encouraged an actual torrent of racist hate mail to be sent to all of my non-white friends who publicly chose to support me. ultimately, they ended up admitting all of this, and still, they never once apologized or showed even a single iota of remorsefulness or responsibility for the onslaught of vitriol they incited. (even though, you know, this whole thing was supposedly about how racism is bad.)
and this user is still on the platform, operating under a new blog name and pseudonym. so. that's fun. 💀
i don't say this to beat a dead horse, or to drum up sympathy, because i promise i don't want it. it's been long enough, i understand the mistakes i made, and i've done my part to take accountability for my actions. but i needed to start this post here to have you all understand where i was at the end of april - just in time for yoongi's tour 🤪 - in many ways, i felt like i had no friends, at least none that i could really trust. i felt unsure who might have been acting one way to my face, perhaps even praising me, but talking different about me behind my back. and it was beyond fucking nervewracking to think that i would be meeting so many friends IRL for the first time, quite literally days after what essentially felt like a public execution.
i wasn't doing well, to say the least.
and then... the funniest thing happened.
y'all showed the fuck up for me. in droves. in a way that i have quite literally never experienced in my lifetime and doubt i ever will again. even recounting it now is lowkey giving me chills. i received, literally, yes i counted, hundreds of DMs from the most incredibly kind people- on tumblr, on twitter, on discord, in AO3 comments. the vast majority of you wrote paragraphs: about what my stories have meant to you, about how you found my blog to be a safe space in the noise of the world, about how much you'd enjoyed our time together here. so many of you said something along the lines of "even if you never come back here again, please keep writing". honestly, for like a week straight all i could do was read my DMs and cry and cry and cry.
i didn't receive a single hateful DM. not one.
as if that alone isn't more blessings than i deserve in an entire lifetime, i also, you know. saw five shows of agust d on tour. (my credit card is still recovering.) spent two of the best nights of my life in pit getting a water bottle baptism and screaming myself hoarse. and met dozens of incredible moots, who held me when i cried, scream-laughed with me, and of course, drank plenty of booze with me.
at a time where i wondered to myself if i even had a single true friend in this fandom (or, like, in the world), you all showed me that i had so much more. that we had so much more-- we had a community. and i believe we still do. and i am more than ready to block out all the shit that doesn't matter and get back to having some fun around here.
in short: thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. if you sent me a sweet word, i promise you, i read it (and probably cried lmao). i wouldn't be doing any of this without you. i will never ever deserve all the love that you have shown me. but for as long as you'll have me, i'd love to have a fun stupid horny time in this little corner of the internet. as a part of our community. what a fucking gift it is. 🫶
phew. okay, so- that was april and may. it's november. what the fuck happened?
i knew i wanted to properly take time to get my head on straight before i found my way back to writing. what i wasn't expecting was to 1. fall in love, 2. get a new job, and 3. move myself and my cat approximately 800 miles across the country... but yeah, since the end of may, those 3 things are exactly what i've been doing!
i won't talk too much about my partner here, because our relationship is important enough to me that i want to keep it largely private, but my god. he is the most incredible human. i can't tell you how much of what i wrote out as silly little daydreams in my fanfiction has somehow manifested itself into this very real human being (like, it's kinda crazy lmao 🙈). i'm grateful for him every single day. and what makes it even more special is that we met for the first time in person while i was traveling for yoongi's tour - yep! he saw me going through so much upheaval, and fell for me all the same. just another thing i will never fully believe i deserve. but goddamn do i feel luckyyyyy 🥰
and in addition to my amazing partner (and in part because of him but honestly i had plans to move before i had even met this man it just happened to work out okay 🙄) i have also finally managed to do what i've been planning for the last year and a half, which is move my ass out of the southern suburbs where i'd been for nearly a decade, and to a ✨walkable city that actually has public transit✨ - what a fucking dream. i may have only been here 8 days, and i may not have much more to my name than my cat, my TV, and my mattress, but i swear to god, i've never been this happy in my entire life.
so yeah. exhale. like i said, it's been quite the year.
now i do want to end this with a small caveat, which is to say, i can't make a promise as to how much i can *be* here (particularly not compared to how terminally online i used to be lmao). i spent a lot of time online because i was unhappy and feeling very stuck with where i was in life, and i needed escapism, bad. now, i've finally gotten to a place where i'm excited to go out of my house and do things, but i still want to make intentional time for tumblr as a form of connection and community, and writing as a form of creative expression. these things are really important to me!!! i just ask that you give me some grace if i'm a little slow on the uptake. i promise i'm still here 🥰
and writing is gonna happen!!! i can't say much more than that, because tbh i haven't so much as opened a google doc since april, but i've been itching to get back to it. maybe.... we might start off....... with some........... drabble requests??? 👀 we'll see we'll see we'll see hehe.
in any case, i think that's more than enough for now 🤪 oh how i've missed babbling to you all, the gay people in my phone. i hope you're well, and if ya feel so inclined, i'd love it if you'd send me a comment or a DM on what you've been up to in the many months it's been since we've spoke! what's new in your life? what are we manifesting??
talk so so soon, eeeeee~ i'm so happy to be back~ love you babes!!! 🤍
#mposting#quite literally the longest mpost of all time#if you read the whole thing i LOVE YOU#if you don't i understand lmao i too have adhd
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Wanna get drunk & nasty? Pt2 pt1
G!P Brienne x fem! Princess Reader
Warning: smut, sleep sex ,fingering ( r receiving) , oral ( r receiving ), choking if you squint, daddy kink, praise kink, creampie kink, nipple sucking, hickeys, aftercare kinda, plot, getting caught.
I apologize for any spelling mistakes and any mistakes in general, I did not get the time to proof read. Hope you enjoy ;)
♤□♤□♤□♤□♤□♤□♤□□♤□♤♤□♤□♤
You were peaceful sleeping in your enormous bedroom, your bed was just as big with lace curtains all around, mostly to protect you from mosquitoes.
You had a long day, you've been horse riding with your dad, women's day celebration with your mom around the village and other royal events. You were brutally exhausted.
During the day you caught a glimpse of brienne looking at you. She had this look of "need" and "desire" . You didn't know if your eyes deceived you but she looked like a kitten in heat.
After you came back from your long day you decided to take a nap, in just your lace baby pink underwear and a vest. You were in deep sleep, your mouth slightly open.
Brienne needed to talk to you about how she was feeling. She needed you.
She went up to your room and peeked through the door that was left slightly abashed. She saw you laying flat on your back with your legs slightly parted. To be honest it may have turned her on more.
She took off her armor and placed it aside, then she proceeded to take off her trousers and her armor vest that she wore underneath. She was then left in her underwear.
She crawled up onto the bed making sure not to wake you. She lifted your legs so that your knees were now bent. To this action only made you stirred in your sleep. You were truly in deep sleep.
Brienne lifted your hips and slowly pulled down your underwear, making sure to be gentle. After she threw it across the room. She laid down with her face in between your thighs and started leaving love bites all over.
You let out a soft whimper but you remained asleep. You started to get extremely wet and needy.....
Brienne slid her fingers down your slit to collect all your juices, she then placed her fingers into her mouth and almost moaned at your taste. You tasted better than anything she's ever eaten.
She then used two fingers to part your folds. to this you stirred again, letting out a breathy groan. You weren't aware of what was happening , to you this was just another sexy dream. But in reality it was another story.
Brienne started rubbing tight circles on your clit, the sensation made you jerk. This action caused you to be half awake now. Your eyes fluttered open but you immediately shut them back as ,you tried to reopen them so you can regain your vision.
You plopped yourself up onto your elbows and behold the person in between your thighs.
"Fuck brie, oh my god" you moaned as you felt your orgasm getting closer, you closed your eyes and laid back down. Brienne came up and kissed you. It was sloppy and intimate.
"What do you want baby, tell daddy what you want" she said pulling away leaving a trail of saliva behind.
"I need you please, need your fingers" you said bitting your lip. She smirk and began kissing your neck. Her teeth slightly grazed it making shivers run down your spine.
"Brie you can't leave hickeys, my parents will see" she stopped and looked at you smirking.
" then I'll have to find another way to own you" she whispered in a dominant tone of voice.
You crashed your lips onto her again this time deepening the kiss. Brienne took the chance to slip two fingers into you, it caught you off guard. You arched your back and moaned into her mouth. At this she chuckled.
She started to fuck you at a ruthless pace, making you squirm. You started to let out pornographic moans.
" as much as I'd like to hear you scream my name, you need to be quiet " she said kissing you. You let out all your moans into her mouth.
She knew you were close, the way you clenched around her digits made her smile. She curled her fingers and started going at a paste you didn't think was humanly possible.
She was making you feel so good but you wanted more. You needed more.
You started to grip onto the bed sheets for dear life. Never in your life has you felt so good. No even your own fingers made you feel so good.
You eyes started to roll to the back of your head as you felt a knot in your stomach.
" Oh fucckkk brie, yes fuck me like that, deeper deeper god please" you moaned out as you arched your back til it could practically snap in two.
"Does my dirty slut need to cum?" She asked you sucking your neck.
You nodded fast as your orgasm approached.
" cum for me little one" she whispered nibbling on your ear.
As soon as she said that sentence your orgasm came crashing down on you. You moaned in a silence scream, as your mouth fell open in an o shape.
Brienne kept fucking you through your orgasm and only pulled out when you were pushing her hand away because you were too sensitive.
You laid there, your chest falling up and down as you tried to steady your breathing.
You looked down to see brienne staring at you. You looked down to see the bulge she had. Your eyes immediately darted back up to her to see the look of desire on her face.
" are you gonna be a good girl and help out daddy babe?" She asked smirking.
You nodded your head and waited for her to undress. She slipped out of her underwear and her cock came springing out.
It was hard and thick it was huge to say the least with precum coming out of the tip.
She stroked it a few times and crawled onto the bed. You opened your legs as wide as you can so that she can get great access.
She saw the way you hesitated.
She used her her finger to rise your chin up for you to look at her.
" if you want me to stop ,my heir just say so ok" she said her tone filled with care and comfort. You nodded but when you realized she needed an answer you responded.
" Yes "
With that she began to slowly enter her dick inside of you. She was huge. You whined as she withdraw and tried again.
She was gonna be the death of you.
After her entire length was in you she waited a while so you can adjust. The way you were squeezing her was driving her insane.
She slowly started to move then after you were completely comfortable she found a breath taking rhythm.
She started fucking you deep and fast.
" Your taking daddy's cock so well baby girl, just like that for daddy" she spoke, choking on her words, you could tell she was close and so were you.
She started sucking harshly on your nipple, to muffle her moans. Honestly you found it quite hot.
Soon she pulled out and cumed on your cunt. You both started laughing. As much as you wanted her to cum in you ,you both know what happens if that happens.
You both laid there for a while and tried to steady your breathing.
After you were both ready to take on the world again you got up and showered together. You threw on your casual princess dress and brienne placed back her armor on.
" you wanna come watch me and your brother sword fight" she asked walking towards the door.
" sure" you responded as you finished spraying your perfume. Even after you showered the smell of sex still lingered on you.
As brienne opened the door she behold the sight infront of her.
Your mother was standing with a tray of food in her hand. She looked like she got hit with a bus.
" Your majesty" brienne said as she bowed and stood perfectly still. You were in the back standing with your mouth slightly open.
" Well y/n I see you can still walk perfectly fine after that um" she cleared her throat.
" round of passion" she said smirking.
" I'll leave you both now, do enjoy your sword fight with dinynear brienne" she said as she walked off.
Brienne turned to look at you and all you did was chuckle.
" Let your hair down, atleast she didn't react the way we thought she would" you said passing her to do down stairs.
" yeah but how long was she standing out there?!" She shouted running behind you.
You ignored her with a smirk on your face and went outside. In your mind all you were thinking about was when you would get the chance to do it again....
And since there were no consequences, you'll make sure she ruins you.....
#gwendoline christie#fypシ゚viral#fanfic#larissa weems x female reader#love#cute#wednesday#gwendolineuniverse#larissa weems#smut#brienne x reader#brienne of tarth#game of thrones#princess#Spotify
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On the Level
Carrying a name
Fall until my final days
Now who's there left to blame?
“Dad’s here” You peaked out the window and saw Jack’s black Mercedes AMG pull up into your drive way. A sigh escaped your lips. You knew the conversation that he would eventually want to have with you.
Two years without him as your husband and it didn’t get easier like everyone told you it would. In fact, divorce seemed to reign heavy on you and the kids.
You heard feet patter against the wooden floors. Your fists clenched and you pulled the curtain roughly back to its position. You turned around and greeted with the sight of your two babies. Mila with her pink Bratz backpack hung on her shoulders containing her clothes for the weekend. Her curls were slicked back into to pig tails and you could tell she had been sneaking some of the cookies the two of you had made earlier than day while Ezra napped. Ezra beside her, wide eyed and with chocolate chip smudges on his cheeks. His own smaller Spider-Man backpack in his shoulders.
“Did you get into the cookies with your sister?” You laughed and watched as he shook his head in denial. His thumb pushing into his mouth. Mila shook her head as well.
“No cookies!” Ezra lisped, and looking at his older sister for approval. As if she had trained him on what to say.
“Hmm if you say so” You ticked his stomach which earned a loud laugh from him. Then you proceeded to kiss the top of Mila’s head.
A heavy knock came on the door.
“Daddy!” They both yelled. Running to the door and waiting for you to come open it for them.
You took your sweet time walking to that door. Your nerves getting the best of you.
You opened it a soon as you managed to step to the front. Your clammy palms not making it any easier. The sight of your ex husband , you hated to admit the fact that his stupid face made you miss him. You hated to admit that after two years you were so willing to forget what he had done to you just so you could be with him one last time.
The equally stupid woman that fucked him knowing he had a family at home. She wasn’t entirely to blame although as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t. Your husband, a man who promised to love you until his last breath had betrayed your trust just as much. His mistake is the biggest one that had mattered.
Your eyes shifted away from him as he looked at you. Offering a soft smile and looking down at his kids. Who were already trying to climb him like a jungle gym.
“Daddy! daddy! daddy!” Mila shouted.
“Up!” Ezra demanded.
“Sheesh, you’re gonna give your old man a broken back” Jack huffed out as he lifted Ezra into his arms. The other one lifting Mila with ease as well. Two carbon copies of him nuzzled their faces into his neck. You knew they missed him terribly. He had been on his tour for a while and facetime calls just didn’t cut it when it came to their dad.
“You’re not old daddy!” You watched as Mila sassed him. A displeases look on her face, because how dare her dear father call himself old? You giggled and shook your head.
“Yeah yeahs, whatever you say. Why don’t you and Ezzie go put your stuff in the car? Uncle Urb is in there to help you, we’re going out for pizza”
“Pizza?” Mila lifted her head and gasped. Ezra clapped his hands a smile matching Jack’s staring back at you.
“Momma come too?” Ezra pipped up and reached for you. Jack passes him onto you. Tiny hands gripping your shirt. Ezra was a mommy’s boy to the bone, and leaving you even for the weekend was a little harder on him than Mila.
“No baby mommy’s staying home today”
Today
“Why?” His bottom lip stuck out and you moved some curls out of his face. Your lips pressing against his chubby cheeks. The two year old was very smart for his age. He knew he wasn’t seeing you for a couple of days.
“Because you’re spending the day with daddy! Isn’t that exciting?” You tried to comfort him. His head laid on your chest and you knew he was understanding. “I love you so much and I’ll see you in this many days okay?” You held up two fingers.
Jacks face sadly smiled at the interaction with you and his son. Seeing you as a mother was something he came to miss seeing so much more than he ever imagined. Especially now that you two barely saw eachother because of his busy schedule.
“Okay momma” Ezra nodded and let you out him down. “Love you!” He lisped and gave you a hug.
“Love you more Ezzie”
“Love you momma! I’ll bring back some pizza for you in this many days!” Mila smiled at you and held up the same two fingers as Ezra had. You laughed and nodded. Walking closer to her and kissing her forehead. You caught a smell of Jacks cologne and you swore if it weren’t for your kids standing there you’d probably jump on his bones.
“Thank you sweet girl, I love you too. Tell uncle Urb I said hi for me okay? And be good!” You pointed at her, a giggle escaping her and she nodded as Jack put her down.
“Come on Ezzie!” She grabbed her brother’s hand and they both ran to the car where Urban was waiting to buckle them in, as well as greet his two favorite kids.
You stepped back. Moving some of your hair out of the way. Biting your bottom lip as Jack eyed you.
“You look good, it’s been what? Three months since I saw you last?”
“Yeah, three months” You agreed. Your arms folding on your chest as you watched him look down at his feet.
A awkward silence filled the air.
“About that night, if that’s what this is about I promise you that I wasn’t expecting anything out of it” He began explaining to you. Looking back at you with very intense blue eyes. “I-It was just very emotional for the both of us and having sex was the best way for us to release that I guess” He shrugged and brought up his left hand to rub his temple.
“No! That’s not what I wanted to talk about, it’s not about that at all” You managed to say without stuttering. “That was three months ago Jack. I don’t regret it as much as I thought I would?” You asked in the form of a question because you weren’t really sure how you felt. Tucking the kids to bed and then having a few drinks with your ex husband, having sex with him after all of it wasn’t exactly part of the plan. But it happened and you did enjoy it more than you hated to admit.
You wanted to hate HIM. But you couldn’t and so you hated yourself.
“Okay? So if it’s not about that then what is it? I’m confused”
“Jack i-“
You sighed and tears pricked your eyes. Taking note Jack pulled you into his arms. Rubbing your arms gently. He knew how you got when you got emotional. It was always something along the lines of it being harder for you to speak when you were upset like this.
“What’s wrong baby?” Jack whispered to you. The pet name bringing back so many good memories. The pleasant ones fighting to come out but you wouldn’t let them, at least not right now. “Whatever is upsetting you we can talk about it, or not if that’s not what you want…” You felt so overwhelmed, you might as well go out and say it before you bite your tongue again just like you did all those few times after the kids had finished FaceTiming him and you talked to him a little bit.
“Jack, I’m pregnant again”
#jack harlow fic#jack harlow#jack harlow imagine#jack harlow x reader#jack harlow x y/n#jack harlow x you#jack harlow fanfic#jackman thomas harlow#jack harlow drabble
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Hi!
Could I please get some Yusuke Kitagawa x F!Reader smut? Perhaps where the reader has been trying to drop hints that she wants to fuck but bro is completely oblivious until she literally pins him down and says "I need you to fuck me, Yusuke!"
Feel free to ignore, but thanks for reading my ask! 💙
Ooh boy-
Letting you know that it has been an extremely long while since I've written smut. Hopefully you enjoy it!
Warnings: smut, loss of virginity (Yusuke), minor spoiler for 2nd palace, protection, Vaginal fingering, handjobs, making sure of consent
Pairing: Yusuke Kitagawa x Female!Reader
An edit: I only saw now that you asked to pin him down-Im so sorry I only noticed when this piece was finished. Hope you are still happy with the result though!
Fandom: Persona 5
_______
If there is one thing to describe Yusuke, it would be: not understanding stuff.
Like, really. He never understood that he can't follow people around to ask them to be a model, and a nude model for that matter. He also doesn't understand that his fellow Phantom Thief ally and girlfriend wants to have sex with him unless it is being said.
What was she supposed to do more? It was obvious, but also this is something Yusuke doesn't understand.
One time, she literally send him a text with: I want you. But the only thing he replied with was:
Yusuke: Want me to do what? You want to go to mementos? I can ask our leader if we can go today.
So yeah, that already didn't work. So, what did [Name] think next? She once stood naked in front of him while sitting on the bed.
"Oh, I didn't know you wanted me to paint you nude! I didn't know how to ask you as the last time I did that, it didn't go well", was what Yusuke had said.
Time for attempt number 3! She asked him what he thought about having sex with her. You would think he would finally get it right?
Wrong.
"I don't have any experience in the matter. I don't have an opinion on it. I have been locked away from the world most of the time, remember? Neither did I have any desire to do so. Why did you ask?"
Oh, so THAT is why he never picked up the hints. It makes [Name] even wonder if he ever got educated on the matter. He most likely did, but didn't think much of it. It's like he said, he barely talked to people thanks to Madarame, the bastard who only used him for his art.
"Because I really want to take our relationship to the next level", his girlfriend said. And once again, he still didn't understand where she was going.
"You mean like, moving in together? I must give you my apologies, but I think we are a little bit too young for that? I don't even think we legally-"
He didn't even got to finish his sentence before he was being kissed on the lips. He kissed her back of course, even if he was startled. They sometimes kiss like normal couples do, but never ever kissed with the tongue.
Well, he didn't. [Name] went for the first move as clearly wouldn't get what she would want.
That doesn't mean he didn't enjoy it, but he sure didn't really know what to do after.
"No, my lovely fool. I want to have sex with you, if that is okay with you. I have been dropping hints, but you didn't really understand them", she said while smiling softly at him.
He was confused a bit, still coming down from the surprise of tongue kissing. 5 seconds later is when he finally understood. He even grew red in the face a bit.
"O-Oh…I am sorry that I never noticed! How can I be a good partner for you if I do not know what my muse wants-"
"No, no, no. Don't be like that. You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know", she said while cupping his cheek in her hand. He is such a fool sometimes, but that is one of the things she likes about him.
He then proceeded to hold her own hand, being happy that she didn't mind such a mistake. Mistakes are made, it is fine.
"Then allow me to make it up to you by making love to you", he said, with full confidence. Well, still in that smooth voice of his but there was a confidence in that. Now it was [Name]'s turn to be caught of guard.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured by it purely because I asked you to and you didn't know… Are you sure you want this?", She said, looking him in the eyes.
Yusuke nodded, a hint of pink on his cheeks. It is adorable, really.
"But I'd like to request you helping me out, as I told you earlier, I have no idea of what to do and make it feel good for you", he said.
"Of course, I would love too"
_______
As of right now, they are in the bed, naked. All the necessary equipment is with them. They also have removed all their clothes, except for their underwear that is.
"Let's take it slow okay?", she said, to which he agreed too.
They started to kiss with the tongue for a while, until she went to kiss his neck. Yusuke was moaning softly, figuring out that he should do the same thing with her.
They both enjoyed it for sure, and did so for three minutes.
"Do I have permission to go lower?" , [Name] was clearly caught more off guard when Yusuke was the one that suggested it. She didn't think he would be so straightforward as this would be his first time.
That didn't stop her from answering though. "Yes, you have permission to go lower", she said while looking lovingly at him.
Once he was sure, she went to kiss her breasts, admiring everything about her. He never got to see it up close, only seeing it when she volunteered to do nude paintings.
She held his hair, encouraging him to go further. She had no desire in stopping him, and it would appear that he doesn't have the desire to stop either.
She could feel herself getting more wet every time he asked her for permission to go further and to touch and kiss her there. It made her even think if he really was a virgin.
The truth is, in the time they were preparing everything to do this, he was researching on how to make it feel good for the both of them. And he is happy that he did, now knowing what to expect of it.
"Would it be okay if I would pleasure your clitoris?", He asked her. In that deep voice of his, what can a girl do then only blush? She once again gave her consent to it, and he took her panties off, exposing her vagina.
He added some pressure on it, making her eyes flicker. He took that as a sign to go further, rubbing it gently.
He could feel himself getting hard when she did, and he had the urge to touch himself down there as well.
"Let me, let me return the favor", [Name] said as she pointed at his erection.
"If you want to", was the only thing he said before she took off his boxers and gently started to rub him, being careful. This was his first time after all.
Immediately, he moaned a little. He was aware that this would feel good, but not THIS good. If anything, he already felt like he was losing himself.
The room was filled with soft moans from the two, feeling pleasure from one another. And this went on for a few minutes at best.
"Should I finger you? It's part of intercourse, right?", Yusuke said. He clearly got needy and wanted to go to the next phase already. And who was she to deny it?
She nodded and took her panties off, which were completely drenched already. Yusuke knew this was natural and that it would be easier to access her.
She laid down and stopped rubbing him while spreading her legs, giving him easy access. She nodded, giving permission again.
Slowly but carefully, he put a finger in her. After he had to search for the right hole that is. It was a little funny.
Immediately she moaned and arched her back while gripping the sheets. It would look like she is enjoying herself a lot. He understood that and slowly thrusted his finger in and out of her.
If anything, he gets more turned on by the looks of it. He really should have noticed the signs sooner, he wanted to make her happy after all.
Seeing how good it felt for her, he decided to enter another finger, scissoring them to get her more stretched out. And at her reaction, it looks like she enjoys that a lot.
He kept pumping them in and out, while also paying attention to her clit. He could feel her tighten up a little, what he thinks means she is going to reach her climax soon.
"Wait, stop", she said, making him stop immediately and looking at her.
"Did I do something wrong? I'm so sorry if-"
She just reached up and kissed him while shaking her head.
"You didn't do anything wrong, trust me. I just wanna finish with you", she said while catching her breath.
He tried his best to understand it, and luckily he did.
"Bare with me, I don't have experience in this…", he said as she placed himself between her legs and grabbed a condom together with some lube.
She helped him with everything, as she is more experienced in the matter. She made that very obvious.
After putting the condom on and lubricating both of them, she guided him in her vagina.
He gripped the sheets himself, not used to this at all. "So t-tight..!", He hissed out. Yet he didn't complain about it. How pleasurable that it felt! Now he really wishes he saw her hints sooner.
[Name] herself was arching her back, feeling him pushing into her until he was all the way in. And they stayed like this for a while, having to get used to each other.
If anything, it looked like Yusuke was holding himself back not to thrust. It was obvious that he waited for her sign to move.
"It's okay, you can move now", she whispered, and moaned when he started to move a little. Most likely experimenting with what they both like.
"My muse..I wanna go faster…Please, can I?", He said, trying to hold himself back. If he knew that sex would be this good, he would have wondered about it much earlier.
"Go as fast as she can, I want to feel all of you!", She moaned, completely loving this feeling. She has been craving for this for so long, and now she finally has it.
He didn't had to be told twice as she practically pounded in her, totally forgetting how to make it feel good for her too and is just letting himself go. But she didn't complain, this is what she wanted after all.
"It feels so good..I'm so sorry that I didn't understand it, I wish we could have done this sooner!", he groaned out, losing himself in the pleasure.
If she wanted to say something, she wouldn't have been able to with the amount of pleasure she is getting. For someone who was a virgin 2 minutes ago, he is a natural at this. Hitting her in just the right places.
He knew it too that he was doing things right, especially as he could feel her tighten up. He knew that this meant she was close to her orgasm again.
He was close too, but he wanted to make her feel even more good. He rubbed her clit once more and and it did enough for her to cum on his dick. At the same time, he climaxed in the condom while breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath.
"I'm gonna pull out now..", he said as he then undid the condom and threw it in the garbage.
"I love you, don't forget that", she said as she grabbed his hand and pulled him in the bed, wanting to be close to him.
He chuckled and stroke her hair.
"I love you too"
#yusuke kitawaga#smut warning#yusuke kitagawa x reader#yusuke#yusuke x reader#female reader#readerinsert#persona 5#persona 5 smut#yusuke smut
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We ridin' (currently under editing)
This is the sound you hear when you ride with your enemies
▪︎Summary: Two young people fall in love despite the rivalry of their racing teams. The smallest mistakes you make will leave the biggest regrets.
▪︎Pairing: Lee Haechan x female reader
▪︎Genres: Street racing au, romance, angst
▪︎Word count: 11.2k
▪︎Warnings: minor character death and mentions of death, profanity, substance consumption (alcohol and drugs), toxic relationships, suggestive scenes/implied sex, graphic descriptions of a car accident, blood, guns, violence.
Listen to the playlist here. | Haechan's moodboard. | Johnny's moodboard.
A/N: Hey everyone :) I said it'll be out before August 15 and it's here :) I hope you all enjoy it. It's not proofread, though, so apologies for any mistakes. Also I hope you remember this is fiction and I do not romanticize or condone any of the characters' behaviors or ways of being in a relationship. Please read warnings before proceeding. If you enjoy the fic, don't be scared to leave some feedback! It's highly appreciated 💙
0. Subtle mistakes felt like life or death
Unlike every other Sunday morning, the Suhs' garage is closed. Traces of last night's big storm are reflected on the wet pavement and the drops still falling from the trees, hitting the sidewalk. Inside the house, at the back of the garage, everything is dark and messy; the small boxes of chinese take out from last night, now cold, remain untouched on the small table in the living room. The sound of the last drops of rain and the voice of the reporter coming out of the old television cut the air, disturbing the silence between so much implicit chaos.
'And now getting straight to the breaking news, a well-known young man from the illegal street racing community, dead in a car crash that took place last night at 127 Road.'
"Haechan, stop."
"Babe, I'm fucking tired. I gotta show them who they're messing with. Gotta make them respect me!"
"No one wants to mess with you, for fuck's sake. Not right now. It's dangerous!"
'How many more lives should have to be taken for these kids to finally stop their dangerous activities? They're a menace not only to themselves, but to other innocent civilians as well. It's truly heartbreaking.'
"Haechan, slow the fuck down!"
1. Candy paint with windows all black
It was your birthday the night you met Haechan. Ever since you were little, you have been interested in your older brother Johnny's work. But since the street racing scene has always been a bit dangerous, he promised that he would protect you until you came of age, not letting you attend any of the nightly events to which your brother dedicates his life. That came much faster than you expected, however, and that same night you found yourself attending your first competition ever. While you weren't planning on racing a car, the idea was to support one of Johnny's best friends and the team's number one racer, Taeyong, who would be driving to win a car—the winner of the race would take the loser's.
Haechan lost a car that night, that ended up parked in your brother's garage. However, he won your attention and admiration with a few words and an irresistible image in just a couple minutes. Although he was shocked to find out your last name and to see that you chatted with him with such interest and innocence, it didn't take long for his expression of astonishment to change into a flirty, cynical smile. You wouldn't understand such behavior until later, when you talked to your brother once the event ended and after driving Haechan's car—now your brother's team's car—to your new home. You were finally moving in with them too.
"I saw you talking to Haechan earlier", Johnny pointed out.
"Oh, yeah. Did you know he's an engineer? He knows a lot, and he's really funny, too! I think you would like him. He even invited me to next Friday's race and told me I can go with him–
"I don't really want you around him," your brother interrupted you.
"Johnny, I'm an adult now. You literally accepted me here because you said I'm old enough."
"Yeah but like, I didn't take you there to fall for Haechan. He's bad news."
"You don't even know him."
"I do, and I know all his mates," he said, getting out of the car at the same time Taeyong was arriving with his own vehicle—the winner of that night. "They're trouble," Johnny continued. "He's gonna sweet-talk you into doing things you've never done before."
You scoffed, not believing Johnny still wanted to control you even after he himself introduced you to his world, knowing its risks, but more importantly knowing you were doing it to escape from the controlling and toxic environment of your parent's house, the same one he had been lucky enough to get out of years before you. That you were also an adult capable of making your own decisions and facing their consequences was an understatement. "He's not gonna sweet-talk me into anything. I know very well what I want."
He let out an exasperated sigh before talking again. "Arrested twice by the police for drunk driving. Once caught selling drugs. A car accident with his ex-girlfriend a few months ago. And the Lees' garage is just a big mafia in disguise. Weapons and all, my sister," Johnny concluded after entering your house.
"As if you guys don't do all of that shit too," you answered with your head down and a pout on your lips. "I know some things, you know."
"Just promise me you won't fall for him," he asked with a much less demanding tone and a tired expression on his face.
You shook your head no and that was enough for Johnny, who came over to hug you and kiss your head goodnight before heading off to his room.
"He's just worried about you," you heard Taeyong's voice coming from the kitchen where he munched some cereal soaked in milk from a Bob SquarePants bowl.
"I know," you sighed while sitting on the island across from him. With slumped shoulders and undisguised disappointment, you decided to accompany Taeyong and drown your sorrow a little in cereal.
"But that doesn't mean you can't have fun. You just don't have to fall for him."
And Haechan wasn't intimidated by anything or anyone. Growing up watching his family race cars and do dirty business, the boy would get in and out of trouble like he had a master's degree. After seeing you for the first time, he started going to your brother's shop every day, with the excuse that he desperately needed some parts for his latest design, since his personal supplier wasn't doing his job and the Suhs' garage was "the only one with the pieces in the whole city".
However, Haechan wasn't stupid. The boy knew that your brother and especially his Japanese friend did not like him at all, so he avoided visiting the store when they were there. But when your best friend Mark or Taeyong were around, Haechan knew he had a free pass. The fact that the latter two were desperate to sell parts and get as much money as possible to be able to upgrade Taeyong's car helped him perfectly in his plan of seeing you every day he could.
The young boy was really charming. He not only had the good looks but, as your brother had warned you, he also had the smooth talk. It was hard to ignore him and even more so when he was flirting and making you laugh all the time. After a week of hearing the same phrase 'I forgot to buy something yesterday', Mark and Taeyong started ignoring him every time he walked into the store, directly leaving it up to you. They knew he was only there for you, anyway.
"But if he bothers you guys so much, I don't get why you still let him come around and buy things from here?" As soon as Haechan leaves, you ask your friend Mark, who's sitting at the computer behind the shop's counter.
"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven."
You patiently wait for Mark to finish reciting the words you too have memorized, after hearing him say them enough times since you two met years ago when he visited Johnny at your house.
"Matthew 5:44," he concludes, turning on his chair and looking at you through his glasses.
"You are such a loser, I can't believe I still consider you my friend," you sigh in response.
"Listen," he started, "I respect Johnny big time, but we really need the money."
You observe Mark's eyes get wider and wider as he opens up to you in a whisper, scared your brother could come back in any second.
"I love Johnny hyung," is all Taeyong adds, sitting at the other end of the counter, without taking his eyes off his Switch. Brief, but honest words.
"And how is this guy Haechan not broke yet?" You ask while checking some duplicates of the tickets that record all the purchases he has made in the week. More than thousands of dollars in just a few days sounding a little suspicious.
"Haechan's rich–"
"He sells drugs–"
Both of them are quick to answer. But either their telepathic abilities to agree have been wearing thin, or Taeyong is too focused on his game to notice that Mark has been trying to avoid the Haechan-talk for a good few minutes already. Mark's heavy sigh and Taeyong's shocked eyes, realizing he screwed up talking too much, are all the information you needed to find out what the truth is behind Haechan having so much money.
"I've always loved you for your honesty, Taeyong," you smile at him and tell him not to worry about it, but he still sends a pouty 'sorry' to your younger friend before getting back into his game. "Johnny actually told me about it, but I didn't believe it was that big of a deal?"
"Yeah, they've been selling for years now."
Mark now lets go an exasperated sigh, clearly annoyed at the subject of talk, but that doesn't stop you from taking advantage of Taeyong's moment of vulnerability. His little virtual animal farm, more important than anything else going on around him. "What do they sell?"
"Whatever shit you need."
Mark is already gone to the back the moment Taeyong answers, and you realize the latter truly has no idea of his annoyance at the moment he starts humming the theme song of Animal Crossing.
"We really are dumb, huh."
Taeyong looks up and waits for you to continue talking while his game loads.
"If we are so desperate for money, why don't we sell too?" You ask, and Taeyong's face lights up at the proposal, his eyes widening and his mouth dropping open in amazement like the thought would've never crossed his mind if it wasn't for you.
From the back of the store, however, you hear Mark's scream calling your name. "Don't put any stupid ideas into Taeyong's head!"
—
Outside the night smells like a mixture of burning tires, weed and car perfume. Friday nights are known to be reserved for making quick money, and weeks of hard work boil down to just a couple of minutes of adrenaline rush. Tonight, Taeyong will be racing Johnny's blue BMW 340 against a 2018 Audi s6. The Audi is a heavy car, so Taeyong could take that lead to win tonight if it wasn't for Johnny's car having a turbine failing. In any case, he will be subjecting it to all possible pressure so as not to lose power. Hopefully, your team's star racer will make it to the finish line without damaging the car even more.
Taeyong is one of the nicest people you've ever met. But to others, there isn't an in-between–people either love him, or don't like him at all. You guess it's because he portrays a serious image and almost doesn't smile in public. Yet, when you really know him, you find out he's a softie.
"I love you, Taeyong," you tell him as he squeezes you in his arms, and he moves out to hug the rest of the members before getting into the car.
Simply because anything could happen at any time, you swore you'd never want to regret not telling your friends how much you love them before any of them got in a car. That's how close you got to be over the years, and how much you mean to each other.
"If I die tonight you take my Switch!" Taeyong closes the door after pointing in your direction and you smile in response.
He revs the engine causing a strange blue fire to come out of the exhaust pipe; probably another change Yuta has been working on to impress the girls out there, and to impress Johnny. Beside him, a pink car envelops the crowd in a cloud of thick, suffocating smoke, from which a boy with honey-colored skin emerges. Something about 'stop burning my tires' can be heard through all the noise from the crowd. Him and the boy in the cotton candy car exchange a quick handshake and, as soon as the flagger gives the signal, both cars take off in pursuit of the night's grand cash prize, and the renown and recognition on the streets that comes with the victory.
There's your team and the Lee's racing against each other yet another week. And there's Haechan across the street, with a cigarette between his lips checking you up and down, while you pretend to ignore him, trying to focus on the trajectory of your friend driving the blue car. When your brother's too distracted talking to your friends, though, you take your own time to set your eyes on Haechan and dig into his appearance.
High waisted white jeans matched with a graphic t-shirt of the same color and a thick leather jacket hug his figure. His clavicles are shown very slightly, and his neck is adorned with some metallic chains and pearls, making his smooth skin under the moonlight look more inviting than usual. He's got his hair disheveled and darker than normal. You decide that it's when Haechan has long hair that you find him the most attractive. And you do your best not to stare, but he makes the task too difficult—especially when he deeply looks at you and smiles like he's trying to get you hypnotized.
It was too easy for Haechan to have you eating out of the palm of his hand. Him, a face too angelic to be, supposedly, such a dangerous person. Bad at being bad. You, on the other hand, a soul too pure to fool around with a demon like him. Too good at being good. That contradiction, however, is what must make it so appealing to you.
You blink one time and he's all you see shining under the moonlight. He finishes his cigarette and throws it to the ground, stepping with the toes of his leather boots to turn it off. You close and open your eyes once more, look up searching for his face, but he's already gone at the same time the pink car comes back and stops right in front of you, letting out the high-pitched screech of the brakes. That's when you realize the scene had turned quiet as your gaze met Haechan, then violent when you lost him.
Taeyong makes its comeback two seconds after, which makes your team lose about a thousand and five hundred dollars tonight. That's not the biggest loss, however, since you often win more from the side bets on the cars than from the actual races. From the winner's car comes out a tall, pink-haired boy whose name they shout celebrating–Lee Jeno. Victory doughnuts and music blasting from all the speakers follow right after the end of the race, but none of your friends is in the mood to join the celebration tonight and the usual after hang out. They're quick to get into their respective cars and turn them on, ready to leave. Johnny's pulling on your arm motioning you to go, before you tell him you will be joining him in a second.
Where did Haechan go? You know he doesn't go to your brother's garage on the weekend because he's the one opening it early in the morning, so you need to see him one last time before Monday arrives—but you won't know, anyway, if he's gonna be back until you actually see him cross the shop's doors next week. The bass is heavy against your ears, disorienting your senses a little. The dim street lights fade as you walk away from the crowd but, still, he finds you. His hands surprise you landing for the first time on your waist, trying to stabilize you after colliding with his figure. He's even more stunning up close, shining even where the street lights have completely faded out. It feels like time has stopped, lost in his brown eyes, and you're struggling not to give up right there in his arms. Just a small smile from his lips brings you back to the street, to hear the horns and the heavy bass and to feel the chill of the nocturnal wind on your skin. But how does he do that to you?
In some substances such as iron, cobalt, and nickel, most of the electrons spin in the same direction. This makes the atoms in these substances strongly magnetic. You learned these three types of metal in particular are around the Lee's garage very often through the long talks you have shared in the mornings. Even more in Haechan's hands, as he is one of the car designers and is always experimenting to take their motors to the next level. Nonetheless, that doesn't explain the reason why you have to become so magnetized by Lee Haechan everytime he is around. Maybe it's because the opposing forces of the universe attract. Or maybe, because there is something sacred in loving the enemy and a sinful satisfaction in trying the forbidden, coexisting at the same time.
"I wanted to talk to you," your voice comes out in a whisper, the air finding it hard to come out from your lungs.
"Yeah?" He asks, pressing his forehead to yours, eyes shamelessly lingering on your lips making your knees weaken.
You can only nod so far as his hands start barely caressing your sides, more gentle than the summer breeze. "Need to do some business with you."
Your hands travel from his arms to his neck, feeling the skin, and there you squeeze until you entangle your fingers in his long dark hair. A gasp comes out of him when you subtly pull, followed by a chuckle and a shrug until he finds his voice, "Sounds good to me."
Your eyes move rapidly across his face as if you were sleeping and it was a dream, trying to imprint his features perfectly in your memory before you wake up. And your lips are millimeters apart from each other, but you don't kiss since you know you won't be able to stop once he starts, and the both of you need to be back before someone comes and finds you like this. A delicate goodbye kiss on the back of your hand is all you get before Haechan disappears again, leaving you gasping for breath and with butterflies in your stomach.
The car ride back home with your brother is quiet. You try to think it's because he is upset they lost the race, and not because maybe he saw you acting too close with the enemy. Your mind wanders to those eyes pulling you like magnets and you still feel his touch on your skin; too hypersensitive, like he had put some type of drug in your system. All the members go to sleep as soon as they step into the house, and you only hear Johnny speak when he's greeting you goodnight.
But the night still feels too young, and you are far from ready to fall asleep. It doesn't take long after you get into bed, however, until a message from an account you don't follow shows up in your notification bar. It's hard to decipher who this is about at first, the username not helping the case, yet you don't hesitate to reply once you realize.
haechanahceah: hey, r we ridin???
haechanahceah: want me to pick u up?
you: yeah
you: i'll wait for u outside
—
The morning sun is big coming up from behind the horizon, and warming your skin with its intensity at six in the morning.
'All he's gonna do is gas you.'
The night was spent in between car slides, laughs, mundane talks and soft kisses pressed up against the finest leather seats. How did you end up in the backseat? All business talk was long forgotten as soon as you got to taste Haechan's sweet lips for the first time.
"My brother would kill us if he found us like this."
You feel his chest vibrate with his laugh against the side of your head, and his voice reaches your ears as if he's speaking right from his heart.
"That would be such a romantic story. It's like we are the modern Romeo and Juliette."
"Are you like this with every girl? You gonna scare them off." You joke, moving your head to make eye contact with him. A smile takes over your face when you notice he was already looking at you with the same loving eyes.
'He's crazy, my sister. He's like obsessed with danger.'
"I'm a die hard, too passionate." He acknowledges as you lay bare on his chest, his arms keeping you secured as if you could get to dissipate at any point. "I don't scare you, though."
And even after all the warnings from Johnny and disapproving looks from Mark, Haechan is right. He doesn't scare you. On the contrary, every minute you spend with him only makes you wish that you could have the rest of your days together. Maybe watch him wake up to the sun rays peeking from your bedroom window hitting his soft skin, and watch him fall asleep with his head on your lap and your fingers through his hair while trying to finish a rom-com in the living room. To have the sun all to yourself all the time.
His tired eyes still shine like stars even though it's already morning, and he still keeps some of your red lipstick on his lips. A sad cello plays through the stereo of his yellow car. Soon the clock will be hitting seven and you must have returned to the store to avoid suspicions. Still, you allow yourself to close your eyes and fall into him, to bask in his warm presence for a few more seconds before descending back into the real world. For one last moment, it will be just his soft breaths, that sad cello, a growing, forbidden love.
And a whisper in your ear:
"Fucking love you."
2. Bad luck to talk on these rides
The wind caresses Haechan's hair in slow motion while the sky is painted purple and reflected in a gray, neutralizing the yellow color of his car. The road remains empty and quiet and his right hand, when not on the gear stick, has already made its home on your leg since many dates ago. It's strange to think that one day you could get used to the familiarity and domesticity of his presence. To think, for example, that you would no longer have to secretly see each other all the time, or that you could drive around town with the windows rolled down. Perhaps, have dinner together in the living room of your house. However, having to forget about his caresses, his fingers intertwined with yours, his sun-colored eyes, sounds even stranger. At this moment, driving carelessly down to town, it feels like there isn't really a different future in your plans; living a normal young life with Haechan isn't an option, but letting go of each other isn't either.
When he drops you off blocks away from your house, you don't really need to say it. It's implicit everywhere. In the looks, in the smiles, in the ways he takes care of you, in the gentle touch of your fingertips on his skin before you untangle your hands and he lets go of you—momentarily, as he promises he would always come back to you.
You both know you do. And it's hard to forget when the sweet taste of him is still lingering on your lips. A smile plastered on your face like a silly teenager in love.
It's late into the night by the time you make it home and find Johnny in the living room, sitting in the dark all alone, with nothing but the TV lights shining on his face. Behind his back, the table holds the remains of dinner, a bunch of empty beer cans and the end of a couple of joints. In front of him, a VHS tape is being displayed.
Mark is the one recording—you could recognize it by his voice, even when it still was way more high pitched than now. A smile comes across your face as soon as you see Taeyong's round cheeks appearing on screen, and how he tries to hide his drunken state when Mark starts with his interrogation. 'This? This is just some apple juice.' 'That's beer, Taeyong.' Another boy comes into the screen. One you don't know, but Taeyong seems to do, as you can watch how quickly he gets lost in his features, with a lazy smile adorning him. And the other boy, with pretty cat eyes and a snub nose, can only radiate adoration while his eyes are on Taeyong.
You don't know him, but you know that look all too well. Enamored eyes. The same eyes with which you look at the boy from the other side of town, the one with the yellow car that steals your hours of sleep and your heart everyday.
The laughter coming from the young boys echoes in the room. You hear your brother laugh too, but he's not the same as the one sitting in front of the TV right now. He's lost, immersed in the memories while nostalgia floods the whole place.
You watch how your brother is about to jump off the pier when a boy runs up beside him and tries to push him away. They struggle playfully, and the little boy's laughter is so powerful that he stops that violent flood for a moment. The air in the room no longer feels so heavy as his laugh echoes off the walls. Mark turns the camera to the boy's face and you see that bright and characteristic slightly-sided, heart shaped smile. The nostalgia has dissipated for a second.
'Haechan, fuck off.'
'But hyung, you threw me before!'
Then realization hits, feeling as if the water reaches the ceiling of the room, and the pressure is impossible to withstand.
"You were all friends before?"
Johnny snaps his head back to you when he hears your voice and quickly pauses the video, yet he remains quiet, busying himself at a too obvious attempt of avoiding the subject while cleaning the table.
"How come I never knew of them before?" You insist.
"By the time you moved here, we weren't friends anymore. It's been years now since that." His answer is short and reflects a strange tiredness, the kind that bothers you right in the middle of your chest, that stirs up buried feelings and puts you in a bad mood.
But you also need to know.
"What happened to you?"
"They started to handle shit the wrong way."
"That explains nothing."
At that moment Johnny abruptly drops everything he was gathering, looking you in the eye for the first time since you arrived. You know better than to push your brother when he's moody and stoned, but you can't deny that it makes you feel sick on your stomach to know that they've been trying so hard to separate you from a person with whom, apparently, at some point they were close. Good friends, actually. In your head, it doesn't make sense, and it's just another selfish and overprotective act of your brother.
"And you don't care. I know you're seeing him anyway," his tone is too cold in contrast with the summer heat coming from outside, and the old fan does nothing to ease the added heavy atmosphere that has been created in the room. "Why does this matter to you?"
You're stuck in your place, fists clenched and mouth dry. There's an expression of disgust on his face while he looks at you, despite the lack of emotions of the words coming out of him.
"You don't care if I don't like them or if I want to protect you," he continues. "You're running after Haechan, sneaking out at night and coming late smelling like alcohol and cigarettes, acting like I'm too stupid to notice. I'm afraid soon he will be putting you in real danger."
"He wouldn't do that to me," you deny with your head, eyes filled with angry tears reflecting a very upset Johnny in front of you.
He only lets out a scoff before grabbing the last of a joint and putting it between his lips to light it up. The fact that he's doing this right in front of you while talking like that about Haechan just makes you angrier.
"You're so fucking silly," and maybe at this point, Johnny is as angry as you are that he doesn't think if he's being brutally honest or mean.
"I just–" you try taking the words out before the tears start to fall. "I wanted to make money for Taeyong. He told me Haechan is part of a good business–"
"Oh my God," he interrupts you, his tone drenched in disgust, "stop talking, you're just making it worse."
But the tears already started falling. "You don't even care about what I feel?"
Johnny exhales the smoke from his lungs and grabs the remote to turn off the television, leaving you in the dark with the intention of ending the argument for once.
"You know what," he stands at his room's door frame, door handle in hand ready to leave the room, "I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you. You wanna keep fucking around with him, then do. There really isn't much I can do."
The last sentence almost reaches your ears. The silence of the room suddenly interrupted by an overwhelming buzzing and the sound of your sobs. A door opens next to the one your brother just locked himself in. A slim, sleepy figure stands there, but with his arms extended your way and his shoulder ready for you to cry on for the rest of the night until you fall asleep. You know Taeyong is true to your brother and their friendship, yet tonight you are the most grateful to him for being the only one helping you overcome your sorrows.
3. This is the sound you hear when you ride with your enemies
Haechan's closed garage does its best to cancel out any sounds other than his kisses. His heart-shaped lips leave soft traces of affection on your cheeks and your jaw, caressing your neck before planting them again against yours. You know his friends are waiting for him outside, they wouldn't start the main event without him. You also know that, somewhere across the street, your brother is waiting for you too, but instead of asking where you've disappeared to for another night he could be connecting the dots by now. And there is also one last and most important thing you know, and that is that you shouldn't be here, sitting on the hood of your forced-to-be rival's car, with the same one standing between your legs and stealing the air out of your lungs. Still, you've been ignoring for three months now the fact that you shouldn't be seeing Haechan, and it feels too late to go back.
"Like you," he whispers to you, barely getting away from your lips. "Like you so much."
His hands are gently caressing your thighs. Yours keep tracing the soft skin of his face, his nape, until your fingers tangle through his hair and you pull him away. His smile is bright and warm as the sun. His eyes resemble nothing but pure adoration; if yours shine, it's only because the moon reflects the sunlight. He has become a source of thrill and love in your life. The nickname suits him too well.
You can't fall for Haechan. Your brother's words back in the days resonates in your head, arousing an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. I know he will try to get to us through you. Don't fall for any of the shit he could say.
"Why do you do this, though?" You ask the boy in front of you, while fixing his disheveled hair before he will have to go out.
He stares at you with a frown, the tilting of his head to the side indicating he didn't understand the question.
"Racing, I mean. Like, you don't need the money or the fame or anything that comes with this, you know."
Maybe, if Haechan didn't race anymore, there would be no such stupid rivalry between your family and Haechan and his team. Maybe that way you could be together publicly; you wouldn't have to wait for days and days to see him and, when you finally get the chance, always be at risk of being caught by your brother or his friends.
"'Cuz it's in my blood, baby," he answers with a subtle smirk. "Racing is what I am, this is what I'm supposed to do."
His tight grip on both your hands and his deep loving eyes staring into yours, you think are supposed to give you comfort. Yet, unfortunately, they're far from that.
"Hey," he's whispering against your lips once again. When he presses his forehead on yours and closes his eyes, you rush to protect his face in your hands and try to memorize each of the beauty marks that adorn it. "I know what you're thinking about. Don't look so sad."
The volume of his words is almost inaudible; the multiple voices and the music playing outside the garage suddenly disturbing your senses a little too much, and reminding you that you are not as alone as it feels like.
"I care for you. You know that I'd die for you."
"That's a little too much, don't you think?" You laugh it off this time. You know now how Haechan can get a little too passionate.
"No, I mean it. Like, if Johnny crossed that door right now, found me here wrapped in your arms and decided to beat the shit out of me, I'd still die as a happy man, you know, 'cause I got to be with you."
The mention of your brother only draws a resigned sigh from you, and Haechan stops supplying kisses to your cheeks as quickly as he notices your change in mood. "What's wrong?"
When you see him like this, with his rosy lips plumped by all the kissing, the disheveled hair and wearing his heart on his sleeve being so real with you, you try to think of a single thing why you should just listen to your brother and walk out that door, leaving Haechan behind. But you really can't find any. His eyes are heavily charged with worry before you as his hands move to cup your cheeks, leaving loving touches on your skin and giving you the time to talk.
"It's just that I fought with Johnny. I would actually like it to be the other way around," you look into his lovely eyes and can't help but slightly smile. "You beating the shit out of him for once."
Haechan laughs, rapidly agreeing to your idea and letting you know 'he will take care of it.' A roll of your eyes and a quick peck is all he gets, before you are shoving him from you at the sound of his name being called from outside. The backdoor of the Lee's garage is quickly opened to let enter the boy with the baby pink hair. His eyes are wide and quick traveling from your figure on the hood of Haechan's yellow car, to his hands now back on your legs, to the unbothered expression of the honeyed-skin boy still in front of you. The boy at the door is the first to break the silence.
"Donghyuck, the race is about to start. Come out."
"Will be out in a minute, Jeno."
"They've been waiting for you for a while now–"
Haechan barely acknowledges his words when he's already asking you if you want to ride with him tonight. "It's gonna put you in a good mood again. You're gonna love it, trust me." And there's no escape from his pleading, because Jeno is already gone and Haechan only repeats please, please, please, between kisses on your lips.
"Fine."
He smiles satisfied at your response and disconnects your lips to let you get off the hood. His hand gently grips your hip before motioning you to climb into the passenger seat. "That's my girl."
Once you're in the street, you can finally assign faces to all the loud voices you heard from inside the Lees' garage. There are too many people gathered this Saturday night, even though it's a fun-only race that you know no one is winning anything from. You can't see into the other cars because of their tinted windows, but the bright green paint of the Chevrolet lined up to your right tells you that Haechan will be racing your team tonight. It's a surprise, though, since you thought they wouldn't be risking their pride after last time's defeat of Taeyong. Yuta walks over to the green car to talk to the driver and the window rolls down revealing Mark behind the wheel, which only makes you more nervous. It's one thing to watch them run and quite another to literally run against them, something you've never done before. Not even Johnny has accelerated enough to exceed the speed limits when he's with you. Beyond Mark is a purple car that you don't recognize, but it lines up ready to race too.
On your left, Haechan awaits for the pretty girl with the flag to take position. His hands grip the steering wheel firmly and securely unlike yours, from which you must dry the cold sweat of your nerves on your jeans. His eyes seem lost on the horizon, but you know they are expecting the signal to start the race. Your eyes travel uneasily through his body to his tense jaw, finally setting on his lips. A smile adorns them the moment the girl raises her arms–it's about to start–. But you can't focus on Haechan anymore when your body's inertia pulls you back at the sudden change in speed. Haechan hits the gas quickly, taking the lead down a narrow one-lane street, but Mark is hot on his heels. As soon as the road opens up again, the green Chevrolet passes Haechan's car with its nose and you start to hear him whining and cursing.
Haechan liked control. He made sure to always know his surroundings, where he was racing and against who; to be aware of the potential, the abilities and the weaknesses of the competitor–that was his first rule. His second rule was looking at every single mirror at least every four to five seconds. He said you have to be able to visualize the whole world through your mirrors, and know what's happening behind you to understand what's gonna happen in front of you. He didn't like losing and he truly hated not being the number one. So when the purple car passes him and he tells you that it's fine, that it's just Yangyang's car–one of his mates–, but he still punches the steering wheel with anger, you are pretty sure it's not fine at all.
"I can still win this," you hear him talk to himself. The speedometer continues to increase after passing 100 kilometers per hour. 110, 120, 130... Haechan passes both cars and you swallow the lump in your throat trying to calm your nerves. He approaches the closed turn they'll all have to take to get back to the starting point, and you notice that he's not going to slow down in the slightest. Still, you can't afford to close your eyes and run away from the moment. You can't afford to be afraid of Haechan either. Even when everything seems to be going wrong, he has things under control and he would never put you at risk, would he?
"The problem about Haechan is that he thinks he's smarter than everyone else. So, like, I'm riding with him."
The image of Mark being lazy in your bed this morning comes to your mind. With a smoke between his lips is how you finally found out more about their old, ended friendship. "I'm on the passenger seat, man's driving, car's full of bitches and the car in front of us is like, clearly slowing down."
He stopped for a moment to let out a cloud of smoke from his lungs, trying to cope with the frustration those memories still caused him. "He won't even flinch," Mark told you, eyes widening and wearing a pout on his lips like every time he's at the verge, fighting with his thoughts, struggling to process emotions.
"The girls are screaming at him. I am telling him to slow the fuck down 'cause we're gonna crash! And I know he has it under control, we still got a couple meters to make it and he's gonna wait 'til the last second to press the break. But can't he fucking answer me?! It's like he ignores that he has other people in the car, you know what I'm saying?" He finished pretty much out of breath, the frustration making him collect a bunch of tears in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall.
"It was always like that with him. It makes me fucking mad how he's an asshole, yet he never really fucks up enough to like, settle down. Man's just out there being a body. That's all. Doesn't care about shit."
Haechan's right hand lifts the parking brake while his left hand turns and holds the steering wheel firmly to take the corner. The sound of the tires skidding across the pavement mixing with the beats coming out of the car's speakers deafens your ears, and you're sure it'll be hard for the other two drivers to get out of the corner clean after all the smoke Haechan has put up with his little show. The maneuver lasts a couple of seconds that feel eternal. When he releases the parking brake and manages to stabilize his yellow car by taking the lead, a smile returns to take over his face.
He gets first place despite having started the race poorly. There is no shortage of shouts and cheers for him when he gets out of the car. Mark's car is the second to arrive and, after a few seconds, arrives the purple car from which a smiling Yangyang gets out and hugs Haechan. After that, everything happens rather quickly. The boy you've been sneaking out with suddenly opens your door and tugs from your arm to get you out. Cheers get replaced with surprised gasps and smiles with gape mouths. And everybody's looking at you, but no one's doing it the way Johnny and Haechan are doing it. While one look is filled with strong indifference that hurts your chest, the other is soft and loving so you seek refuge in it. By the time you're done making out with Haechan in front of everyone and the screams have calmed down, your brother is nowhere to be seen; just a few of his friends remain on the streets with Mark.
Haechan wears a satisfied smirk looking at you before he gets closer to say only for your ears: "We gotta celebrate properly."
One last kiss on your cheek and he distances himself enough to shout, but with his grip still firm on your waist.
"After party is at ours!"
—
"Have you ever smoked before?"
You shake your head no in response.
"Alright, you better do it for the first time with someone you trust," Haechan continues without looking in your eyes, too focused on his hands almost done rolling the joint. "You trust me, right?"
You did not imagine that this would be how you appeared publicly for the first time at the Lee house. It had always been secretly, getting in late into the night when his friends weren't around, and leaving too early in the morning to not get caught. So as soon as you arrived and Haechan dragged you to the door at the end of the hall to get you both locked inside, it felt off. This was the moment you've been waiting for a while now: finally being able to be with the guy you like without having to hide. However, when you finally make it public, the first thing Haechan does is hide you.
His train of thought is hard to follow, even more to understand his actions most of the time.
He looks different tonight. While there is nothing wrong with his looks and his handsome features get accentuated in the yellow bathroom light, there is something odd about his mood. He looks agitated; he talks a lot and doesn't wait for anyone's answers. You might be worried if it wasn't for the fact that when he finishes wetting the silk paper with his tongue and sticking it down, securing the joint, he gives you one of those smiles you love. No teeth showing, only his lips pressed together in a line, slightly curved upwards at the corners, his cute dimples on display and his eyes transforming into two adorable half moons. You want to see adoration behind that smile, you want to see sincerity. You want him to tell you that everything is fine, and that you should just throw the intrusive thoughts out the window.
You just wanted a normal party night feeling like teenagers in love, only to end up locked in the bathroom with him and a bunch of drugs in his hands instead of your heart.
Yet you still like him too much to say no to him.
"Yeah," you find your voice after a moment. "I trust you, Haechan."
That only makes his little smile grow bigger, and he lights the joint.
Things get funnier. The lights get more annoying but you pay no mind to it. Alcohol tastes better than other times you've drank, so you keep drinking. And when you are with Haechan's friends the filled cups just keep going around the circle and you drink a little bit more. You believe you even see Taeyong at the party, pressed up against a corner talking too closely to the guy who Haechan presented to you as Ten—the same one you saw with Taeyong in Johnny's video—, one of the older guys of their group.
The music gets easier to dance to. Haechan's body has hardly been this close to you before in a place that's not his room or the backseat of his car. You don't even remember when you lit up the second joint, only realizing about it once you're exhaling the smoke into the air. When the living room filled with people gets too hot for Haechan to stand it, he leads you to the bathroom again.
"How would you react," he starts after locking the door, "if you saw me snorting something up my nose?"
The question leaves you speechless. Of course the idea is not pleasant. It's no fun not being in the same state as him, you already know that from other times he has come to get you super high after hanging out with friends. It's no fun being afraid that something bad might happen to the person you care about because you let them. It's no fun that you can't understand why Haechan seems to enjoy it so much. And it's no fun that you fear he might just take advantage of his influence over you—which you recognize he can have sometimes, but you don't get to decide yet if it's a good one, or a more on the bad side one.
His eyes sparkle with excitement asking you. He licks his lips over and over again waiting for your response, until his gaze drops to your lips to steal a long kiss from you.
"So? What you say?" He asks out of breath.
Your head feels dizzy when the oxygen reaches your blood once again, and you have quite a hard time focusing on his words after the kiss, his touch and his eyes always too distracting.
"It's fine. I'm just worried something might happen to you–"
"But it won't," Haechan is quick to interrupt you. "It won't, it won't. Not when I'm with you."
He pecks your lips yet another time but you decide to deepen it, pulling on his hair to bring him closer to you. It's heated and you hope it will make him forget about this other matter you don't get to like. You truly believe it has worked when you feel him struggling with his pants' front pocket, so you back off to see him smirking at you, wallet in hand and too excited for his next move.
Haechan opens his wallet and takes out a small bag with cocaine in it. He dumps some on the surface around the sink and next to where you're sitting, and brings his head closer; you only hear the sound of the thing going up his nose, his hair blocking your view. A few seconds go by while you just watch after Haechan straightens up his back and tries to fight his state, keeping his balance by holding on to the sink until his knuckles turn white. Then, he suddenly seems to recover and is once again smiling and leaving kisses on your mouth at a pace you find hard to follow. He gathers the leftover powder he couldn't inhale onto his index finger and points in your direction, offering it to you. When you shake your head no, motionless with your back to the mirror, he then brings his finger to his mouth to put the leftovers between the lips and the teeth.
"I'll wait for you in the room," Haechan whispers before gathering his things and heading off of the bathroom, leaving you alone.
You think that what just happened shouldn't have affected you so much. Shouldn't have made you worry about your safety. Shouldn't have made you question the kind of people you've been hanging with. It shouldn't have made you think of a hundred different scenarios where Haechan, you, or both come to a bad end, yet it did. But most importantly, you know you shouldn't focus on that right now that you've smoked, or you'll end up tripping in the wrong direction when, in fact, you only came here to have a good time with Haechan.
You get off the sink and out the bathroom after a while of thinking alone. Outside, the party is still going off strong. The night seems young even though you're sure more than a couple of hours have passed, and in another couple the sun will be coming out again.
"Yo," Mark enters your vision as soon as you start to head to the room where Haechan said he would be waiting for you. Your friend is locking your way and he's got this weird look; his eyes glassy and red, and you can't tell right now if it's because he's been drinking or he's been crying. "How are you? Where you going?"
"Uhhh… Haechan's room."
"I think… you gotta stop seeing Haechan."
You frown upon hearing his statement. "Give me one good reason to stop seeing him and I'll consider it. I'm serious."
"I– I'm–" Mark starts to stutter. "We're just worried about you, dude, that's it."
Deciding you won't waste any more energy on the matter after hearing that same speech over and over again, you opt to just walk past him and to Haechan's room. It's harder than you imagined, though, to dodge Mark and all the people around him to get to the door. The space seems to have been distorted a bit; the distances are longer and the amount of time that has passed between leaving the bathroom and trying to get to the bedroom is questionable. You hope Haechan doesn't think you don't want to be with him anymore.
You are about to turn the doorknob when a hand you know very well positions itself on top of yours to stop you.
"Are you two like, dating?"
"No," you tell the truth. "It's nothing serious," and that's a lie.
"So you don't love him or anything like that," Mark states.
You take his hand off yours and turn the doorknob, ready to enter the room and leave Mark behind.
"No. No, I don't."
—
The music fills your ears as you hear different people talking behind the door, in the hallway. It's hard trying to understand what they're saying, but you hear them loud and clear. Your brother Johnny asks for you and you hear Mark tell him you're not around. "That's Jeno's room, dude. Why would she be there?"
Yet you are, and Mark knows it's not Jeno's room but Haechan's, but for some reason he's decided to cover you tonight.
Time passes. You feel Haechan's touch on you, the contact leaving your skin ignited, and you're sure his fingertips could get printed on your waist. When his lips are on you, you only realize how warm he really is, burning hot making you want to rip all of your clothes off. Time stops when he's not kissing you anymore, so you have to check that all that happened just a moment ago wasn't a dream. But it's easier to get lost in his shiny, red eyes as you look for an implied answer, something that could indicate what is happening is real. A different song starts playing the moment he reconnects your lips for another kiss. Time is ticking once again and it's only him, him and him.
Why does it feel so unreal everytime you are connected? What is it about the universe that doesn't want you close together?
Haechan says he doesn't mind waiting for weeks, not if he's seeing you at the end of it. He doesn't mind the backseat of his car instead the comfort of a house, the remote locations, the late-night, last-minute calls that make him drop all his plans, not if he's getting to be with you for at least a couple hours. You still know both of you would want it to be different, a little bit easier.
When you finally connect like polar opposites, when you get together, skin to skin, there's no magnetic field more powerful than the one created by the two of you. Haechan's presence becomes massive like a black hole; it engulfs you. Time stops, you disintegrate in his arms, and you can't understand what kind of laws rule there no matter how hard you try. There is passion, and there is obsession. Donghyuck feels you deep, too deep—in his heart and in every trace of his skin you reach.
"You look for my madness, you have me crazy, baby."
You believe it's the euphoria and the pleasure that make him whisper these kinds of confessions in your ear.
And you're reaching a peak, a kind of high where you block out every noise except the ones produced by Haechan's movements and his incessant praise. His strength disarms and reassembles you over and over again. His passion is so powerful it makes it hard to breathe.
"If one day I die, you will be the one to bury me. You're too much for me."
Suddenly everything is quiet. He's still breathing heavily over you, but he doesn't move anymore. Time, however, is running again, and you make one last effort trying to convince yourself that the warmth blooming in your chest is proof that everything that took place just now, was actually real.
"I love you," you are the one to whisper in his ear this time, tightening your grip afraid you might fall apart if you let go of him. "I'll always love you."
4. Is it wickedness? Is it weakness? You decide
The windshield wipers move from left to right tirelessly to get rid of the raindrops that hit the car without stopping. Outside it's so rainy that Haechan's favorite floral shirt got all soaked up against his skin, just by moving from his front door to the inside of his car parked on the street a couple meters away from his house. Lightning pierce the air and hits your ears like bullets. You don't recap in which moment of the night it started raining. The only thing you know it's that the situation makes you pretty scared; it's dangerous to drive at night under such conditions, but it's even more dangerous to race on a rainy night. The storm and the countless drops of water, however, hadn't been enough to scare Haechan or wash the euphoria that gets over him every time he comes across an empty road and a contender.
'I don't even like driving anymore if I'm not racing' is what he said and worried you a while ago.
"What does he want?" Haechan asks in a low voice when he notices a car lining up to his right at high speed.
It takes you a moment to process the situation, still coming down from your high, yet you recognize your friend's green Chevrolet that Haechan was racing against earlier that night and your stomach hurts.
The night did not exactly end on good terms. After a while locked up in Haechan's room without hearing Mark or your brother's voices near it, you decided it was the right time to get out and re-join the party.
A fight between a pretty much drunk Taeyong and another guy they called Doyoung–that you learned was Haechan's older friend–was the last thing you wanted to presence. When things got pretty heated up, Mark only grabbed Taeyong and took him outside while the other struggled under the speech of 'I wasn't gonna punch him! I swear!' But Mark was, in reality, as drunk as Taeyong to barely handle the situation.
Tired of them behaving like silly kids who can't solve their problems and be in the same room without wanting to hit each other, you told Haechan to take you home. It was just convenient since Jeno and her girlfriend also wanted to leave and head to her house, but neither of them were in conditions to drive. Haechan was the designated driver for the night, but because he would never let anyone else drive his car.
"That's Mark's car," you speak. "They just probably heading home."
"I think he wants to race."
You can see Haechan speeding up and Mark also doing it to keep up. That reaction throws you off a little bit, since you know that even if your friend is drunk, he's the most prudent person behind the wheel. You know very well that Mark would never agree to a race on a wet road and with alcohol in his system.
"No, I know Mark, he doesn't want to race."
"I know Mark too, you know?" Haechan is quick to respond. "You know we used to be best friends–"
"Yes, I know. But we don't wanna race right now–"
"But this bitch's speedin' up!"
And he's indeed speeding up, what looks like he's trying to surpass Haechan's yellow car. So you unbuckle your seatbelt and roll down the passenger window to stick your head out, knowing you wouldn't be seen through the tinted windows. You yell, shake your hands no, scream there's no chance you'll both race right now but Mark seems to ignore you. The raindrops roll down your face, get into your eyes and mix with the falling tears of fear and desperation.
"Haechan, stop," you demand once you get your head back inside the car.
"Babe," he sighs without looking at you, eyes heavy on the road. "I'm fucking tired. I gotta show them who they're messing with. Gotta make them respect me!"
"No one wants to mess with you, for fuck's sake. Not right now. It's dangerous!"
The sound of lightning striking just a few meters in front of the car mixes with a startled scream from Jeno's girlfriend in the back. Everything turns chaotic real quick.
"Haechan, slow the fuck down!"
But what was probably the dumbest decision of the night hadn't happened until this very moment. Haechan slows down abruptly, but the car's tires don't offer enough friction for the wet road to keep him in his lane.
One meter slip to the right and you're colliding with Mark's car. Haechan keeps his foot on the brake and the car continues to skid to a stop a distance later.
The radio and the raindrops do a mediocre job of setting the scene to music. To your left, Haechan rests his head on the seat's headrest; a cut on his eyebrow that bleeds all the way to his cheek. Nobody makes a sound, but he's the first to break the ice with a laugh that sounds maniac in your ears.
All you can do is scream at him.
"What the fuck were you thinking?!"
The car ends up stopped in the middle of two lanes near the end of route 127. You were really so close to getting to your house, and this is when you remember about your friends in the other car.
Just a couple of yards behind, Mark's car is smashed against the Jersey barriers dividing the road. The green paint on the front has completely chipped and the impact has left it completely dented, shattered it to pieces. You struggle opening your door with shaky hands and a startled breath and you get out of your seat; heartbeat resonating in your ears and making your head dizzy.
Mark comes out of the passenger door running to you, but you can't hear what he's saying. He tries stopping you, yet you shove him off to walk straight to the driver's side and open the door.
There are five stages a person goes through in grief. Denial is the first one.
"Why isn't he coming out?"
You fight Mark who is still trying to get you away from the wrecked car.
"Why isn't he coming out?!"
Taeyong remains motionless, with his head painfully attached to the steering wheel, and his arms fall lifelessly to his sides. The rain coming through the open door drains all the red and drives it down the road.
"I– I called Johnny– an ambulance is coming."
Anger.
"You let him drive," you push Mark slapping his shoulders, suddenly taking your anger out on him. "Why did you let him?!" You scream at him but he doesn't defend himself or try to stop you, immersed in a state of shock without being able to take his eyes off the figure of your dead friend.
A cry of anguish escapes your chest as you stare back at the wrecked car. You clench your fists and pull your hair trying to fight all the rage that accumulates in your body, but the pain is too much to bear. It only makes it worse feeling like you're the only one in the scene who actually cares about your friend when Mark won't drop a single tear and the others won't even get out of Haechan's car.
A couple minutes feel like forever in the rain when you are waiting, until you can make out the colored lights and sirens in the distance. At the same time and on the other side of the road, Johnny gets out of his car and quickly jumps over the concrete fence to join the scene.
Negotiation.
"Get out of the fucking car." Johnny opens Haechan's door and violently takes him out until he's lying on the ground. Your brother's left hand grips the collar of his shirt tightly and his right fist makes contact with his jaw. From the sound of the hit, you're sure one of them has broken a bone.
"Johnny, stop."
Your brother reaches behind his back and holds out a gun to Haechan's head, who remains struggling from the beat up with his back against the wet pavement. Fear runs down your spine and suddenly you're too aware of the coldness the storm has brought tonight, leaving goosebumps all over your skin and making your body shake.
"You wanted a real reason for me to hate him?" He asks looking at you in the eye, still pointing at Haechan. "You fucking got it."
That only makes you cry even more.
"Leave before I end you," Johnny warns the younger boy. "I don't want to see you ever again."
Haechan stands up ready to get back in his car, but doesn't until he meets your gaze. Something in his eyes tells you he's still waiting for you to get back in the passenger seat and leave with him. He forever will be difficult to understand.
Sadness.
"Why did you do this?" You ask with a broken voice.
"I'm sorry, baby," Haechan says as your soaked up figure reflects in his eyes that fill with tears. But his lips form a thin line slightly raised at both ends–a wicked smile–. In your head, it doesn't make sense. "This is what I am."
5. 'Til it's time we die
You had read many years ago that on cloudy days one should be able to see their soul. Like the ghosts that keep you up at night and the song lyrics that remind you of all your mistakes, filling you with regret.
Acceptance is the fifth stage one must go through when dealing with grief. Even months after losing Taeyong, after dividing his dreams between you and your friends so you could continue living them for him, you still find it hard to accept that he is no longer with you. They said he was part of all of you now, so you longed to see him like your shadow when the Sun is out.
"Is that his t-shirt?"
You nod and turn to rest your eyes on the naked boy on the bed. The little light of the sunset that sneaks through the clouds enters through the motel window and illuminates his tanned skin making you want to stay there forever, tangled between his arms, his legs and the white sheets.
"It still smells like him."
"Do you really forgive me?" Haechan asks in a whisper and relaxes when he sees you nod 'yes' once more. "And when will you forgive yourself?"
Your brother still blames it all on Haechan. You were mad at Mark for a while for letting Taeyong drive that night, and then you recognized all of you were wrong for getting on the road when none were in the right condition. Mark, anyway, you believe is having the worst time dealing with it because he decided to leave the house shortly after the accident happened, so he's all alone for all you know.
You finish dressing up before getting to Haechan and planting a last kiss on his lips, ready to leave. Taeyong had a forbidden love too. You only found out about it talking to Haechan about him and Ten weeks after he was gone.
"You know I love you, right?"
You smile after hearing him and get up from the creaky bed. Whether it was about wickedness or weakness, it didn't matter anymore. You liked to believe you were living up to Taeyong's dream.
"I'll always love you."
Taglist: @tyongf-sunflower99 @rrnhyuck @sundamariis
#haechan fanfic#haechan#nct haechan#haechan x reader#haechan oneshot#nct fanfic#lee donghyuck x reader#nct-writers#ficscafe#neoturtles#k-radio!#zh-lele
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5:31 A.M. — rockstar!semi eita x fem!reader
I can make you mad.
You stormed out of your shared apartment, the strap of your bag being strangled in your death grip as the purse swung around from the aggressive and heavy swings of your arms. Your ankles hurting from your heels and the bending of them from your frantic speed walking but all of it, you could care less about. You were furious right now.
“Y/N!!” you heard your name being called from the porch of your apartment yet still kept making your way to your car.
You heard rushed steps coming closer behind you, huffing as you knew just what was about to happen, and from the annoyance of not having the energy and patience to escape the grip now on your wrist.
“Let go of me!!” you yelled, “Fuck off Eita!!” you continued as you used your remaining strength to yank your entire arm toward you. Your patience melted away not too long ago and this was only making it worse, draining your meter below 0.
“Y/N, please just- let’s talk, please!” he begged as he loosened his grip, he didn’t want to hurt you. However, you whipped your head the other way after yanking your wrist back and proceeded to storm off.
“Okay! Fuck you, Semi,” you gave a short and bitter smile before frowning again, “There! Nice talk!” you rose your brows as you faked a sweet and falsetto tone.
Semi groaned in frustration. He didn’t mean to piss you off, really, he just expected this to go a little better. But then again he was never good at this prediction and reaction stuff, especially when it came to you. He thought you’d support him in everything even if sometimes he did make mistakes and fucked up every now and then. Regardless, he didn’t think you’d care this much to actually argue.
“Y/N—” he tried again only to be cut short.
“Semi,” he heard your voice crack, making his breath stop short as well, he felt the same burn you did and the same painful twinge of heart ache at the sound of your broken voice, “Please,” you sniffled, “just leave me alone.”
And his heart felt the sharpest sting at your words, before he slowly and quietly made his way back into the apartment, as you made it to the car, drove off and sobbed in the drivers seat.
I can make you scream.
It had been a week since the incident and Semi was miserable to say the least. He thought you’d return by morning. The same morning. But much to his heart ache, you were at a motel for an entire week.
It wasn’t until he heard the door opening at the ungodly hour of 4 am that he sat up so quickly on the sofa, watching as you entered in the same clothes you left in.
You paused as you met eyes with him. Guilt and tension already settling in the room as you made your way over to the couch. Semi had scooted over slightly, assuming that you’d want larger space than usually between you two.
You inhaled a deep, sharp breath before speaking, “Semi,” you began as you would flicker your eyes from your lap to his own momentarily, “I’m—” he cut you off.
“No! Don’t apologize!” he sighed, a small smile adorning his lips, he loved you so, he just wanted this silly bickering to stop. But that wouldn’t be the case as he instantly noticed an offended look on your face.
“Apah-” you wheezed, a sarcastic and stunned laugh threatening to slip out. “Apah! Apologize for what? I have nothing to say sorry for!” you immediately rose your voice.
Semi was stunned to say the least. “Um maybe for leaving me for a week without notice? Maybe for storming out the other night? Jeez Y/N I don’t know!?” he began shouting right back.
You took a calm inhale, closing your eyes and moving your hands along with your breathing before staring Semi straight in the eyes. “SCREW YOU!” you screamed. “I DON’T NEED TO SAY SORRY FOR ANYTHING. EVERYTHING I DID WAS REASONABLE BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID. YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO ME IF ANYTHING!” your voice emphasized a couple words as you stood during your tangent.
Semi let out an airy laugh before placing his hands as on knees and getting up, “Alright.” he spoke with his tongue stabbing his cheek, “I’m sorry..” he mumbled, and you hummed to signal you were listening, “sorry that YOURE SO CHILDISH!” he shouted back in frustration.
You scoffed as you put your hand back up to imitate the “talk to the hand” motion as you rolled your eyes and looked the other way.
That night was spent as is. Screaming and toxic thoughts, immature behavior, and neighbors checking up on you two.
I can make you cry.
Two weeks this time. You two didn’t talk to each other, and with your power, Semi was the one who slept on the couch as you slept in the once shared bedroom.
And as if things could not get any worse between the two of you, a simple night where Semi was angry not with himself but with you, he finally had enough of this. So, he stormed upstairs—blankets and pillows in hand—with an angry expression plastered on his face and halted at the gut wrenching sound echoing through the upstairs hallway.
Whimpers and choked up coughs. You were crying.
Semi dropped all he was carrying as he quietly crept towards the bedroom door, only to peek in and find you with your knees to your chest, hugging them and your forehead resting on top of your knees.
Scratch before, you were sobbing.
He didn’t know how much this had hurt you. And now he felt really stupid for it. Maybe he’ll just let you cry for now, and fix everything up right tomorrow.
I can make you leave.
Semi tried. He really did. He apologized. He said he was sorry. What did he do wrong? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
….. okay maybe one thing.
“I CAN’T STAND YOU UGH! HOW CAN YOU BE SAYING ALL OF THAT LIKE NOTHING!!!” you were throwing every nearby object at him. Pillow, blankets, plushies, clothes….. lamps, platformed shoes, desk drawers, chargers, coasters.
“Y/N!!! STOP THAT STUFF HURTS!!” Semi whined.
“GOOD YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING BASTARD. HURT. CRY. DO IT.” you encouraged through rage, you were fuming so hard that your neck was red and you felt the physical temperature of your blood boiling up to your face.
“YOU KNOW IF IM SO GOOD FOR NOTHING THEN WHY NOT JUST LEAVE??!!” he screamed through your rampage. Suddenly, everything stopped.
You could only hear yours and his deep, labored breathing and the small shuffle of feet. “You wanna break up?” you rasped, your voice rough and dry from all the shouting.
No, I want to work this out. No, but if you want to. No, but I want what’s best for you. No, but you just made me feel really insecure..
“Yes.” he spoke back.
You dropped the last item in your hand by your feet, “I’ll be gone in three days.”
I can make you hate me for everything.
You kept your word. All your belongings were packed in two days but you kept the third to make sure all was packed and because of the moving truck. You were going to go back to your parents house not too far and go apartment hunting asap.
But the third day seemed long so you went ahead and pulled out your laptop, opening a website and scrolling through possible options.
You heard footsteps coming down from the stairs, “Just can’t wait to leave huh?” Semi’s bitter tone of voice rang through the emptier apartment. Most of the decor was yours, he had loved letting you style up his old apartment to something more appealing, made it feel more like home with you everywhere.
“You’re the one who suggested, and I’m not going to be some bum loser in my parents’ basement.” you spat back.
He let out another sour laugh, “whatever.”
And even if you thought that was the end, it most definitely wasn’t, “Trust me, living in your parents’ basement isn’t what’s making you a bum.” And as much as it stung Semi to say, he was still angry.
“Fuck you Eita.” you seethed.
“Can’t anymore sweetheart, and please, just call me Semi.” he grinned as he grabbed himself some coffee from the kitchen.
“No problem. I fucking hate you Semi.”
But I can’t make you come back to me.
Semi gripped his guitar, fidgeting with the red bass guitar keychain dangling from his jeans, he was remembering all you had done for him. You supported him through everything and he never returned your kind gestures, he was selfish and he would’ve been further consumed by his negative thoughts but he heard his bandmate shout from stage, “Sem! Come on! Shows about to start, we need our best out here!!”
I can make a world out of broken dreams.
He felt his voice have a slight crack at the memories flooding his mind, oh of what could have been. What if’s flashing all over as he scanned the crowd through blurry vision. Could he have spent his time on one knee right now asking for your hand? He could. But he decided to spend it on both knees, asking for forgiveness, picturing you, picturing the perfect you two could have had. Anything to make his heart feel a little less heavy.
I can make you say things you don’t mean.
All your insults and angry, furious, frustrated words flashing through his head. Those words were never heard of until those nights. That single month of non-stop fighting and yelling. Hell Month. A month he could’ve spent loving you last before he set off. But no, you both spewed venom at each other like you truly felt nothing. And it could’ve been avoided if he tried to be even the slightest bit considerate of how you ever felt.
I can unmake all we were made to be.
In his head, it was still you two. You physically separated from him but you were still frustratingly imprinted and tattooed into his heart and soul. He never loved anyone like he loved you. Hell he never even loved anyone, and then you struck him down to be head over heels with you. Love was stupid. It always made things hurt more, Semi strained as he put his raw emotion into his performance.
But i can’t make you come back to me.
So, if that was the case, why can Semi swear he’s seeing you appear backstage right now, flowers in hand and a large gift. He immediately halted all movements, almost dropping his guitar if there wasn’t a strap to it.
He wanted to ask so many questions, because it had been 2 years.
“I heard you were performing here..” your voice was weak, but you looked so beautiful. God, it hurt Semi so much to see you because all he wanted to do was touch you to prove this wasn’t a dream, to kiss you because if it was.. “And I missed you, Semi…”
he did not want it to end.
copyright © t4kalcvr 2023 all rights reserved
a/n: this is like my first “drabble” cuz i’m so obsessed with this song rn and idk i got semi vibez from it if his gf and him ever ended up like this because it’s semi although it could also qualify for suna maybe??? but the time which is the title is literally the exact time i got the idea and it took me an hour to write so i’m sorry if it sucks :’) ANYWAYS STREAM BACK TO MEEEEE!!! hope you enjoyed reading!
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#5:31am#semi eita#semi x reader#semi eita x reader#eita x reader#haikyuu semi#hq semi#hq#angsty#the rose#back to me#the rose band#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#Spotify#suna rintarō#hq suna#hq semi eita#fanfiction#anime#anime fanfic#anime fanfiction#haikyuu fluff#semi angst#suna x reader#haikyu x reader#suna rintaro haikyuu#oneshot#fanfic
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all my abominably self indulgent laurence headcanons in one post
i love this bitch more than anything. i’m definitely projecting on a lot of these but a lot of them are just good fun. that being said, content warnings for mental health topics as well as suicide, disordered eating, period-typical racist attitudes, and less than ideal family situations. and gay ppl if ur not into that ig 💀 pls don’t read further if any of these things are gonna upset you
this guy has autism and bpd. excellent at pretending he isn’t totally losing it on the inside
bisexual. no i won’t be elaborating
he’s also biracial, half chinese. was probably born out of some weird orientalist fetish shit idk. his mum’s the chinese one so take that as you will. i have it certain in my head that the marriage was not fully agreed to by both sides, nor was either party particularly happy once the union was made - it could have been because his mother was from an important family, so the taboo was suffered for the sake of social prestige? honestly this hc is not fully formed in my head, i'm really just projecting
dyes his hair blond, refuses to engage with his native language, and masquerades as white, mostly cos he’s ashamed of being half asian. the only person who knows is micolash
also has curly hair naturally but straightens it because it’s apparently “messy” (it’s not he looks beautiful)
came from an upper class family who were insistent on upholding the family image (they were especially ashamed bc they were an interracial marriage). got yelled at a lot as a kid for acting out of social norm so learned to mask really quickly and really well
visited cainhurst at the age of 15 and had to violently hold himself back from asking if people were inbred so that they could keep the blood magic in the family 💀
he also wanted to be a vileblood as a kid the same way kids want to be superheroes. by the time he was like, 12, that faded off but he is still REALLY fascinated by them (and often asks maria about it, much to her annoyance 😭)
liked romance novels growing up. still likes them 20 years later. reads them in his room at byrgenwerth when he thinks micolash isn’t looking but micolash is DEFINITELY looking he just doesnt care
personally identifies with mr darcy from pride and prejudice. actually has infodumped about p&p to micolash a total of one (1) time and proceeded to feel very stupid after (micolash was happy to listen 💀 laurence is just paranoid as fuck)
has a younger sister whose name is cecilia (why is she called that? idk i just like the name). cecilia shares a lot of laurence's insecurities about their race and also dyes her hair blonde and masquerades as white. he doesn't see her anymore though
amelia looks a bit like cecilia and laurence uses that similarity as a way for him to solve his overwhelming guilt over how he abandoned cecilia in a house that didn’t love her when he left home. he treats amelia really well, but never registers the fact that won’t undo his mistakes
unbearably jealous of his peers. compared grades with micolash all the time while they were studying, makes it a point to be bitchy to people who he perceives as better than him. probably fired a couple mfs from the choir cos he thought they were too perfect
stole a bunch of micolash’s pills and attempted suicide during his last year of study at byrgenwerth because he hated himself and felt like a directionless failure who wouldn’t be able to do anything in the world
started the healing church because he wanted to be universally respected, revered, and most of all, loved. ascension was never about godhood, it was about the worship that came with godhood. not sure how well that all turned out for him but you know
he also doesn’t pray AT ALL 💀 the only time this man has paid his respects to the great ones is at mass when everyone looks at him
has periods where he gets a little funny with food. not like, a full out issue with it or anything (not until micolash leaves and his beasthood progresses it), but he likes the control of it during stressful times, and he’d be lying if he didn’t want to change himself to be more attractive. he gets upset when micolash doesn’t eat, but thinks it’s ok when he doesn’t cos he means to??
this weird little aversion becomes a Big Problem later on when he’s fighting beasthood. he regards his “humanity” with food restriction behaviours leading to binge/restrict cycles where he freaks out over losing control and becoming beast
practices faces in the mirror for like two hours every evening so that he doesn't look weird in public. when i say this man is a god at masking i mean it
that being said he goes back to his rooms everyday and stares at a wall as part of the recharging process
oh and then he starts his 50 step beauty routine. this man knows every skincare fad under the sun and is willing to believe ALL of it
BUT back at byrgenwerth he was constantly going through identity crises and would impulse cut his hair into every style under the sun. if you think of a hairstyle this man has probably worn it. most, if not all of them looked terrible before he settled on growing it out long (he wears it in a braid that goes to like, his waist, in the healing church era). he had a cute little ponytail for a while
if you know me you’ve probably heard many, if not all, of these headcanons but yk. its fun to have all of these here. i have more but we'd be here all evening
#laurence the first vicar#bloodborne#micolash host of the nightmare#micolaurence#vicar amelia#tw suicide#tw ed#bloodborne headcanons#headcanons
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If it’s not fine it’s not the end
Chapter: 2/7; (previous chapter) (next chapter)
Pairing: Jakexfem!MC;
Warnings: Spoilers from episode 10, Angst, Morally grey prison debate (?);
Words: 7. k;
Author’s notes: This is a story that will follow what happens immediately after episode 10′s ending. Reminding you again that I’m not a native English speaker so any possible mistakes are due to that (feel free to correct me!). Thank you all for reading the first chapter and I sincerely hope you are gonna like this one and the next to come :)
Enjoy!
You knew that dreamland wouldn't have spared you after all that had happened.
Yet, you weren't prepared for how disturbing your nightmares could get.
You didn't know how those mines looked like except for those few pictures Jake had sent you, but your mind didn't seem to care and had proceeded to create the perfect nightmare's scenario.
Richy and Jake were burning, the scarlet flames engulfing them both; they were screaming ever so loudly your name. Richy was twisting the knife in the wound by saying what you absolutely didn't want to even think about.
"It's all your fault, MC! You forced me to act like this! I would have set Hannah free if you weren't so close to the truth! So nobody would have had to suffer anymore!" He yelled, gritting his teeth.
"What did you even gain from all of this, uh? Glory?! Fame?! Do you really want to exploit some strangers' trauma?!"
Of course not! You thought, but you cried nonetheless. You were so confused and scared that you might have actually believed that.
His voice was rough, as his vocal cords were also burning with him: he was looking at you, wide and bloodshot eyes, a bitter smile on his lips.
You were there with them, but at the same time you weren't.You had tried to touch them, hell, you had basically thrown yourself in the fire just so that you could drag them out of there, but an invisible wall was preventing you to do so.
You couldn't do anything to save them.
You were stuck.And they were angry.
Jake was crouching down, his hood covering his entire head. His voice was barely a whisper but you still heard him clearly, as if he was talking in your head.
"You're so cruel, MC. You're letting me die in your place." Jake lamented with his distorted, filtered voice.
"You never loved me, did you? Why didn't you come here. Why did you let me go?"
"I-I don't k-know..." You mumbled, falling into the rocky ground. "I'm s-so sorry Jake-you deserved b-better than me... Someone stronger...fuck!" you bit your tongue as you tried to choke your sobs. The taste of blood was a welcoming distraction in that moment, the sorrow you were feeling was simply too much for one person.
You never had experienced such a vivid dream in your life. Sure, you had your traumas, your bad memories, but this. This had to take the cake.
Knowing that two people you loved, died. Knowing that maybe you could have done something to avoid this fate, and yet chose not to.
Again, you had stayed still. You had selected the easy way out by remaining in the comfort of your house, naively hoping everything could get resolved by it's own.
Now everybody was grieving because of you: your "dear" group of friends had lost a member, and for Jake, well, you only had yourself to blame.
You watched helplessly your friend and lover die in front of you, the hot flames darkening their skin with a single, piercing thought in your mind.
You ruined everything.
You jolted awake from your nightmare, cold sweat covering you from head to toe.
You sighed heavily, as the sun rays hit annoyingly your eyes.
It was only a bad dream, but somehow that didn't soothe you as it should have had. Even though neither Richy nor Jake had ever blamed you for all that had happened, it still rang true to you. You knew that logically, rationally, that wasn't the case.
Richy had kidnapped Hannah way before the two of you had even met. He was still reprehensible by all means.
...You still thought that your presence had lead him even more astray.
It was torturing, picturing a reality where you didn't meet your friends, but you did so anyway.
Richy had told you that he just wanted Hannah and Amy to confess.
Sure, the way he went to convince them was weird at best, but his intentions came from a good place.
He longed for justice for the poor Jennifer, probably more than Hannah and Amy ever did.
During your last chat together, he admitted he went into panic mode and for this reason, accidentally kidnapped Hannah.
And if that was indeed the truth, then Hannah was always going to be liberated.
You couldn't know how he was going to do it originally, but you knew, for sure, that he had to change his plans once you started investigating.
Maybe he was scared he was going to get caught soon.
Not that you could ask him now...
You rubbed your eyes, still sore from crying so hard in your sleep, and took a long breath.
What he did to you and to your friends was unforgivable.
Nonetheless...maybe if you had ignored Thomas' text, everything would have turned out fine.
Well, kidnapping your friend is hardly something you can easily recover from, but recovering from what had actually happened...was harder.
You wondered if your friends had reached your same conclusion, and you wondered if they hated you now. If that was the case, you weren't so sure if you would have blamed them.
You outstretched your arm and took hold of your phone safely recharging on your nightstand, and immediately checked if Jake had texted you, but as you had imagined, he hadn't. It was still a disappointing sight and if you hadn’t scheduled a meet up with your friends, you wouldn't have hesitated staying in bed all day.
You jumped at the realization.
You were meeting your friends soon!
You got off the cranky old bed and sprinted to the bathroom, where a small shower box was waiting for you.
The water was cold but it wasn't too bad, especially considering it was summer. As you cleansed your hair, you thought about what you were going to wear.
You were having a hard time figuring it out an outfit for the occasion, probably because you were drifting to more serious topics.
It was disheartening, in a way: even the easiest everyday tasks were starting to get difficult.
You quickly and badly blew dried your hair and wore the first comfy things you had in your suitcase, admitting defeat in wearing something more coordinated or even pleasant to the eye.
You doubted the group would have cared.
You stared at your reflection in the mirror one last time before leaving your room and flinched when you realized how badly these past events were affecting you.
You looked like a walking corpse: your dead stare, the pronounced eye bags that even the concealer wasn't able to hide and the unkempt hair didn't really do any justice. You brushed your hair again, grabbed your backpack and finally left the room.
Lilly had briefly told you last night that you would have been able to see everybody the next day, during lunch time.
She had kindly explained that her and Jessy had volunteered to escort you safely from the Motel to the date place.
You doubted they feared for your physical safety and opted to think that they just didn't want you to stay alone for too much time. It was nice to think about.
Once you entered the Motel's hall and saw Mss. Walter behind the counter, a thought stroke you.
Jake had told you he was residing in a Motel.
When you had suggested that it could have been Duskwood's Motel, he hadn't even answered you.
You bit your thumb's nail.
If he really wasn't residing here, he would have simply denied it, no? Or at least, he could have quickly dismissed the idea by reminding you that he wasn't allowed to reveal his location to you.
But he hadn't.
From an outsider's perspective, it seemed like he was caught off guard by your remark....And to top it all, he had explicitly said that he was near enough Grimrock to go there himself.
It was just an hunch, but you followed it anyway.
You walked towards the counter where a smiling Miss Walter was greeting you.
"Ow, you must be Miss MC, am I right? Lilly told me about you. So wonderful having you here with us" her voice was shrill, but still somehow charming.
"Yep, that's me" you responded, trying your best to sound cheerful.
"Did you enjoy your stay here so far, dear?"
"Ah-yes! It was lovely." You lied, not that you could tell her about your nightmares.
"I'm really glad to hear that!" She exclaimed, squinting her eyes.
There was a short and awkward moment of silence before you spoke up again.
"I-uhm-I have a question?" You stuttered.
"Well that's what I'm here for, dear! What would you like to know?"
You speculated if her joyous nature was real or just a fake act put in display for her clients; not that it mattered to you, but you could have believed fairly easily that she was forced to play this role.
...Maybe you needed to stop judging other people's personas. The investigation was over, you reminded yourself.
"I wanted to know if, well- if a young man close to my age was residing at this Motel recently..." you noticed how hard it was to describe Jake since you didn't know much about him.
This was probably going to be a swing and miss, but you still wanted to try.
"He has black hair, and...mh...he probably didn't talk that much?"
The mature lady looked at you inquisitively, her hand gripping her chin.
"Dear, we have been having a lot of customers this month. You should know that not many days ago this big, annual festival was planned...Well, it was cancelled in the end due to unfortunate circumstances," at this point of the sentence, she looked more grim, her bright personality vanishing for a second,
"but the customers couldn't have known that, so we were still lucky in a way. Also, my dear, I fear I cannot disclose to you any private informations about my hosts. Hope you can understand that."
"I can, b-but he's not some stranger! He's..." you gulped, "he's my boyfriend..."
Miss Walter burst out laughing upon hearing this.
"Oh, gosh! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She giggled, toying with the computer's keyboard.
"I love a good old lovers' quarrel. What's his name, dear?" She asked you, putting her glasses on the tip of her nose.
"We didn't fight," you clarified, looking away in embarrassment.
"Well...uh..." you stumbled, knowing that Jake would have never used his real name to book a room. Or in general. You guessed this was a dead end, after all.
"MC, is that you?" You heard a familiar voice calling your name.
You turned around and saw Jessy and Lilly at the Motel's door entrance.
They looked tired, deadly so, but seeing you had lifted them up.
You were about to greet them properly when suddenly the redhead launched herself into your arms, leaving you no room to speak.
"Oof!" You gasped, surprised by her abrupt attack. Your arms soon enough returned the gesture, welcoming the dear friend.
"I'm so happy you are here, MC" Jessy muttered, barely audible. You were sure neither Lilly nor Mss. Walter had heard her, but you did.
You brought Jessy closer to you, dropping your head on her left shoulder, and exhaled all the tension built up in your body.
For a fleeting moment you felt at peace, the first time in a long time.
You were grateful for that and hoped you could have given her the same sentiment.
"Me too, Jessy" you tightened the embrace.
Jessy let you go, her gaze fixating on yours: her eyes looked alarmingly unalive, the spark that made you connect so quickly with her amiss.
You felt so incredibly sorry for her.
Everyone was affected by the current turn of events, because how couldn't they? However, in your opinion, Jessy was the one member of the group that was left scarred the most, and that, subsequently, had changed the most.
You still remembered how enthusiastic she was during your first conversations, her energy had guided you towards the right paths. Now she seemed so frail in front of you.
"How are you doing, girls?" You asked, already knowing the answer.
Jessy chuckled bitterly.
"We could all do better" Lilly responded, getting closer to you.
"Yeah..."
"The others can't wait to see you" Jessy commented, gripping your arm lightly.
"And I can't wait to see them" she smiled, and for the first time, sincerely so.
"Bye Mss. Walter!" Lilly yelled, opening the door for you and Jessy.
Mss. Walter waved all of you goodbye, promising you that once you got back she would have helped you finding your boyfriend. Lilly and Jessy looked a bit puzzled but they didn't ask questions.
You started walking towards the rendezvous point in complete silence. Jessy was holding your hand for comfort while Lilly spoke every now and then to indicate the right direction. It didn't feel awkward, and for that you were thankful.
The town was really nice during this year period, you noticed: it was summer, and yet there was this refreshing, calming breeze surrounding you; the sun shone on the streets highlighting their best features. Duskwood may have been just a small, forgettable town for the rest of the world-but you could see its charm.
Too bad everybody was so intent on staring at you.
It was odd, but maybe they were just surprised to see a stranger in their home. After all, like many times your friends had said in the chats, everyone knew each other. That could have been it.But soon enough you realized that these people weren't staring at you.
You intertwined Jessy's fingers with yours."Jessy, why are they...staring at you and Lilly" Jessy looked downwards, shamefully.
Lilly sighed heavily. "Because this frickin' town doesn't know how to mind its own business!" She retorted, loudly, so that the passer-byes could hear her.
"Lilly!" Jessy exclaimed, now lifting her head up to confront her.
"Listen Jessy, for me it's been like this ever since Hannah disappeared! You would think they would cut it out eventually, but no!"
For some reason you began to feel extremely guilty.
"If I had known that I wouldn't have wanted you to escort me" you replied, not wanting to look at any of them in the eye.
"What are you talking about, MC?" Lilly spouted, still annoyed.
"Lilly's right, MC. It's hard but we cannot let them dictate what we want to do."Jessy gripped your hand harder.
"We want to be with you, okay? That’s the least we can do after everything you have done for us."
Somehow that still didn't feel enough. But you didn't want to fight, so you dropped the conversation.
You soon arrived, to your surprise, to the Aurora bar.
"Wait- Was Phil released from prison?"
"Yes, he was released yesterday- didn't you read ours chats?" Jessy explained, pushing the door open.
"No- I was too tired" you half-lied, not wanting to express how much you were grieving for Richy's situation that you didn't even check what your friends were up to.
Sitting in a round table near a secluded area, there were your remaining friends. Well, almost all of them. Thomas wasn't sitting anywhere.
"Hey, where's Thomas?"
"In my country, we usually greet each other with a friendly 'hello'" Dan jokingly remarked, pretending to be offended.
He was still in a wheelchair, but at least he looked way better than some days ago. Physically, at least.
"Hi Dan, Hi Cleo" you bended over them both for a hug, while also rolling your eyes at Dan's comment.
"Hi MC, it's nice to finally meet you in person" Cleo said
"Tommyboy is with his princess at her parents' house. They wanted to stay away from the public's eye."
Considering how everybody had reacted to just Lilly and Jessy, you didn't want to imagine what kind of attetion Hannah could get.
Plus, she probably wanted to stay a bit alone with her boyfriend. It made sense. Although you were kinda disappointed you hadn't talked to her yet- there were some pressing matters to talk about.
You sat at the table near Jessy, suddendly the words lacking. A certain tension was starting to engulfing all of you, as none was taking the initiative. You were all so worn out. Luckily, the silence didn't last long.
"Maybe we should talk about the elephant in the room, uh?" Dan spoke first, pouring beer in his glass. He chugged all of it, you assumed to find some courage in the alchohol.
"Yes. We should." You sighed.
"Where do we start, then?" Cleo asked you.
"Well...I wasn't here when the police found Richy" Jessy immediately looked away to hide her upcoming tears.
Cleo nodded, ready to inform you. You appreciated that she was also trying to be stronger for everybody. As someone who had done the same, it was a nice quality to see in someone else.
"We only know what the police has told us, but yes, yesterday after securing the area they recovered Richy's body from the mine. His father recognized him...in the morgue..." She started to waver, too.
Your heart also sunk imagining what the poor Paul Rogers was going through these last hours. You were strictly watching Cleo talk, so you only heard Jessy's quite sobs; she was trying so hard to keep herself up. From beneath the table, you squeezed her hand.
"I see. Does the police know he's...the culprit?"
"That's their main suspect" Lilly commented, folding her arms to her chest.
"While I was at the hospital with Hannah I overheard them talking about it...they found the mask near the body and connected the dots. Especially considering Hannah's statement and Amy's mark on her door house."
"Mh," you hummed. "They are probably analyzing if there any fingerprints, just to be sure. I mean, i doubt the fire burned everything efficiently..."
It would be good to know if all the proof regarding Jennifer's death were all burned down, too. You could guess they were, as all the main evidence was made of paper.
"Does Hannah know now?"
"Yes, she does. We told her privately what has happened. She didn't believe it at first and...she's not doing all too good" Cleo replied, her voice betraying her fake composure.
"Shit, I don't believe it too" Dan chugged his beer, again.
"Why the fuck did he do it?"
"Well, he-""No, Miss detective, I know why he did it. I meant: why the hell he thought that was a good idea."
Jessy was shivering next to you.
"I... I don't know Dan. That's something beyond our comprehension." You explained, but you weren't too sure of yourself either.
"That just can't be it, Jesus Christ! How did it happen? When did he stop caring about us?"
"Dan-" Cleo tried to snuck into the conversation, but Dan wasn't having it.
"He threatened us! He made us think we could get killed in any moment! He kept lying to our faces!" He yelled.
"Dan, please-" you attempted to stop him too, but he was far too enraged too care.
"I could have killed him! I shot him, twice! I-"
"DAN!" Jessy screamed, having it enough. Her cheeks were wet by copious tears, and her hands were closed in tight fists. If you didn't know any better, you would have said that se was sad, but no. She was angry.
"Everyone. Is. Watching. Us." She spelled out, slowly. You turned around and saw all the customers staring at you, a worried expression on their faces.
"Wasn't it enough for you, testifying against my brother to the police?" Jessy stated, drying her face with a handkerchief Cleo had just given to her.
Dan didn't dare to answer back, now looking like a dog that had just been whipped by their master. He clenched his fist around the glass and kept his head down.
You didn't really know what to say after Dan's heated speech, as the mood returned heavy. Thankfully, someone came to your rescue.
"Guys, do you really want me to lose all my clients during the bar reopening's first day?"
Phil was looking at all your friends with an angry stare, rightfully so.
He didn't seem to like them that much and you could bet he liked them even less now, after everything that had ensued with Hannah.
Although he had been staying in prison for a while now, he didn't seem too much affected by it. It was probably a facade, though: you really couldn't imagine being mentally fine after being wrongfully incarcerated for kidnapping and murder.
His gaze suddenly fell on you and from a stern and exasperated expression, his facial features shifted from annoyance to delight.
"Hey, MC, right?" You immediately felt smaller.
"Eh, yeah. And you are Phil, right?"
He showed you a big smile.
"Seem like I made a good first impression if you remember me, MC." He winked. You weren't used to men this canonically handsome to flirt with you, and in a way, you felt extremely overwhelmed.
"Oh yeah, thanks for bailing me out of prison, sweetheart" he recalled, jokingly bowing a little.
"No worries! I didn't do that much in the end..."
"Aw, don't humble yourself, MC. You got me out of prison, that's not an every day’s job!" He laughed, and you just knew that there were many girls (and boys?) that would have killed to be the main attraction of a such good-looking man.
Yet, your mind could only wander to the man that had stolen your heart.
You remembered how jealous of him Jake was, and how silly that was for you; as if Phil could even compete with him.
As if you weren't already head over heels for Jake.
Watching Phil made you recall when you had confessed to Jake how much you wanted to kiss him, how you had wished he could have been there with you in Duskwood.
It had been such a magical moment: since he had reassured you he also wanted to kiss you, you had been replaying in your head the fantasy you had shared, hoping he was also doing the same.
You kept imagining what kind of fantasies he had, if he would have told you some of them if Phil hadn't ruined the mood by calling you.
Now these memories hurt you immensely.
Every damn time Jake was dominating your thoughts, a dreadful feeling always overcame you.
You kept checking your phone to see if he had answered you, and if your friends hadn't know what was going on, you were sure they would have been deadly worried.
You appeared frantic, almost paranoid, but you couldn't have done otherwise. You wanted to be online if he answered back. No, your forced yourself to think, when he'll answer back.
"Well, sweetheart, you are always welcomed here" Phil brought you back to reality.
"My pleasure" you quickly added, only now noticing how absent minded you must have looked like.
“Do you want something to drink? It's on the house for you" he winked again.
“No, but thank you for the hospitality…”
“Well, you know where to find me sweetheart" he chirped, pointing at the bar counter.
"Now," He said, turning his attention back to your friends,
"For the last time. I've been patient with you, far too patient. If one of you makes a mess I won't be so lenient. Got it?"
He retorted."Got it" All of you said, shamefully looking away. Phil grinned one last time and then left you all alone, again.
"Well, at least he didn't threaten to call the police this time..." Cleo joked.
"He probably doesn't want to see the police ever again." You mumbled, holding your cell phone tightly. Jake would have wanted to get to the bottom of things. You couldn't slack off now.
"Perhaps we should talk about what we are gonna do with the police. Did any of you talk with the cops yet?"
"No, aside from when I testified against Phil." Dan remarked.
"Okay, good. We need our statements to match" you reminded them with a serious tone.
"There are two main problems here: Jake's involvement with all of this and Hannah's...incident." Your friends were following you word by word.
"As for Jake, It would be best if you don't mention him. At all."
"I agree" Lilly nodded, giving her approval.
You knew Jessy and Cleo agreed too.
Dan was more of a problem.
He looked pissed, but he wasn't voicing his opinion.
"Dan? Do you promise me you won't say anything about him?"
He sighed.
"I don't know, MC. That guy is still pretty suspicious in my book. And dangerous, possibly."
You bit your tongue to prevent further words to spill out. It wasn't the time to get emotional, especially after Phil had reprimanded you.
"I know you don't like him. But I do. And I want him to not get involved, because...because it could get him in trouble."
Dan softened upon hearing your words.
"Fine, MC. But I'm doing this for you, not for him."
Your lips turned upwards.
"Thanks Dan. Really."
Dan didn't want to show it to you, but he was blushing a little. You knew he always had troubles showing his vulnerable side, so you believed he was sincere.
"I would also prefer if none of you handed over your phones. You have the right to refuse if you aren't considered suspects, I think. We'll only show them the legal stuff."
"Okay, that's reasonable." Jessy timidly affirmed. You smiled at her, hoping to give her some sense of security.
"It won't be so easy with my phone since I was a major suspect." You thought about all Jake's conversations and trembled in fear.
They were still there, meaning that Jake, counting he was alive, didn't have the time or the resources to delete them.
You didn't want to lose those moments, but you were willing to do so if it meant saving his life.
You weren't sure if it was enough for you to delete them in his place, but you figured Duskwood's police department must have had the means to retrieve them even if you deleted them.
In other words, you were stalling.
"I can only hope to convince Alan to not do so" you exhaled, "I'll see what I can do"
"And...what about Hannah?" Cleo asked, looking directly at you.
You swallowed.
"This is where it gets tricky. We don't know if she wants to turn herself in."
"I didn't even think about that" Jessy spoke, putting her hands on her forehead, while Lilly closed her eyes in pain.
"We should ask her about it before being questioned. I don't think it would be right nor wise if we confessed it in her stead."
"Then let's ask her" Dan proposed, putting his hands on the wheels, ready to go.
"Wait, Dan- we could call her?!" You reasoned with him, but to no avail: he was already at the door.
"Hannah's phone is off at the moment. She didn't want to receive any calls. And I think we should ask her in person, anyway. " Lilly put her hand on your shoulder, her expression off-putting. She was probably scared for her sister. How could you blame her?
Cleo and Lilly followed Dan not shortly after, leaving you and Jessy momentarily alone. You patted her back.
"We can do it, Jessy" She attempted to smile, and failed.
You were heartbroken. Her friend, whom she had worked and had fun with for years was now a dead, guilty man. You didn't know how she could move on from this, but you knew you would be staying by her side.
That's what friends are for, and you were determined to not lose any of them, Jessy in particular.
You grabbed Jessy's hand and left the Aurora.
Hannah's wasn't too far away from the town's center, so the car ride only lasted 15 minutes.
During this short amount of time you sensed your anxiety building up. Since you had joined the group, you hadn't had the chance to talk with Hannah, not even once.
There wasn't any reason to worry, you thought to yourself. Still, your nerves were acting up.
How was Hannah really like? Would she have liked you? Was she going to fess up?
Why did she send your number?
You had many questions you wanted to have an answer for, but this was the one that pressed you the most.
The real motive behind your entanglement in this story, the reason why you had started to investigate in the first place.
You really didn't know what to make of it. You had never seen Hannah before, and you had no idea why she thought it was a good idea to send your number to Thomas, and not call the police. You were just a normal girl. What could Hannah ever want from you?
Lilly unlocked the door and greeted the people inside.
"Hannah, Thomas, I'm home!" Lilly yelled,
"The whole gang is here!" She added, taking off her shoes.
From this distance, you managed to spot the two lovebirds curled up on the sofa. Hannah was pressing her head against Thomas' chest while he caressed lovingly her back.
They looked pretty cute together, you thought; your mind however was racing to a much more preferable scenario and instead of Thomas and Hannah, you were on that couch with Jake. How nice that would have been.
Once everybody said hi, the lover boy finally noticed you.
"Is that MC?" Thomas asked, getting up.
"It is," you coldly said.
At first you hadn't really processed how fucked up it was for Thomas to ask you to switch places with Hannah.
You clearly remembered how emotional you were, the tears were threatening to come out as he kept pressuring you to go to Duskwood.
At the time you didn't see anything wrong with his behavior: it almost seemed logical, far too logical to you, to exchange your life for two lives.
The others had always put their life on the line while you had the privilege to work on the backstage, protected and safe.
It was your turn.
In the end he retracted his request (or at least, Jessy and the group made him reason), but days had passed and you still were lacking a proper apology.
You understood why he had reacted that way, truly, you did; but after everything you had done for him, after the many times you had closed one eye, he still hadn't apologized to you.
You couldn't deny it: that bothered you.
No, worse: you were pissed.
You went for an handshake, discarding the hug he offered you. Hannah followed him behind like a shadow.
She was stunning, that you knew already, but she looked understandably tired and in pain for well, everything.
Still, she cracked a smile.
"MC. I'm so happy that I can finally meet you." She caught you off guard by hugging you tightly. You returned the gesture.
"Me too, Hannah. I've fought hard to have you here" she laughed slightly."I know, and I cannot express you how thankful I am for that. Thomas and the others told me everything... It's really wild how far a total stranger was going to help me" she said, her tone wavering a little.
You flinched at her answer, but decided to address your hunch later. "It was the right thing to do" you responded, letting her go.
"Hannah, there's something we all have to ask of you" Lilly interrupted the conversation, dropping her house keys to the table near her.You rolled your eyes jokingly.
She was always so straightforward.
In that sense, her and Jake were pretty similar.
Hannah and Thomas knitted their eyebrows, a worried expression on their faces.
"Maybe let's talk in private, okay? I wouldn't want Mom and Dad to return now..." Hannah proposed.
"Yeah, that's smart" you agreed.
Hannah and Lilly childhood's room was spacious for way more than two people, you soon realized, as all seven of you were standing comfortably in their room. You had promptly noticed how well off the Donfort family was: they clearly weren't too rich, otherwise they would have spent money into her research, but considering how big and nice looking their house was, you were sure they were doing fine. Great, even.
Hannah sat on her old bed and Thomas, like a loyal dog, lied next to her. She seemed nervous and sadly, you knew her mood wouldn't get better.She exhaled loudly before speaking up again.
"So...what do you want to tell me?"
Cleo talked first."As you may know, we still have to be questioned by the police for what has happened."
Hannah nodded, but you saw how her body tensed up.
"Like we have told you last time, while we were searching for you we also find out about Jennifer's...situation."
Hannah averted everybody's gaze by looking down. Thomas took her hand and stroke her palm, giving her all his support. It must have been hard knowing such a huge secret was out in the open, after years of hiding and pretending. What she did was wrong, no question asked, but she was so young.
So young.
Despite everything, you weren’t able to see Hannah as a bad person.
If what you had theorized was right, then she was definitely planning to reveal the truth before being kidnapped.
You clenched your fists. There was no way this story could have ended well.It was always meant to be a tragedy.
You had kept wondering, through out the days, if there was something good that came out of this journey.You were struggling to find it, just like Hannah was struggling to talk.
"I...I know that..." she mumbled, squeezing harder Thomas' hand. Cleo seeing her in this state decided to also sit near her on the bed.
"We would like to know what are your intentions." Cleo explained
"Wait Cleo, what do you mean?" Thomas asked, only now catching up what Cleo was implying.
"You know what she means kid." Dan delivered, a stern look on his face.
Thomas looked desperate upon hearing Dan's words. He watched in total disbelief your faces, searching for someone who would be on his side.
You looked elsewhere, letting him known he wouldn't have found an ally in you.
"Guys, are you serious?! She just got back!" He screamed, jumping up.
"We know it's hard Thomas, but-" Cleo also stood up, confronting him.
"My girlfriend disappeared for a whole month and you just expect me to give up on her again?!"
As you had predicted, Thomas was not taking well the news. You had never seen him so enraged, but you knew he was mostly scared to lose Hannah. You understood where he came from, but you consciously decided to focus on Hannah.
She looked miserable, as if this was her worst nightmare turned into reality.
She was gripping harshly a blanket and even though she wasn't crying, you could see the tears at the corners of her blue eyes.
In front of you there was someone who had to pretend her entire life she was doing fine, while, in truth, crumbling.
That facade was now visible to all of her friends and this notion was crushing her. You feared Thomas’ outburst was making her feel worse.
You just wanted Hannah to feel better, but you weren't sure how.
"Lilly, you really want your sister to go to prison?!" Thomas yelled, getting closer to her.
"Do you even have to ask me that?!" She retorted, furious.
"Then why are you all ganging up on her, uh?! Can't you just leave her in peace?!"
"No one here is-" Dan intervened, but it was useless.
"You are! Wasn't Richy enough? Do we have to lose Hannah, too?!"
Jessy hid behind you, not having the strength to answer.
She had kept quiet all this time but you knew that if she could, she would have been the first to reiterate, just like she did at the Aurora not so long ago.
But you couldn't rely on her.
You rapidly glanced over Hannah, who looked just like if not even more in panic than Jessy and decided that it was enough.
"THOMAS, STOP IT ALREADY! YOU ARE MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE!"
Thomas was taken back by your sudden scream, but he wasn't the only one.
In fact, everyone was surprised, as they had never heard you or seen you so heated. Jessy even stepped farther away from you in shock.
You took a deep, long breath.
"I want everyone but Hannah out of this room." You stated, your volume back to your usual one.
"B-but-" Thomas stammered, but you weren't going to let him finish that sentence.
"I won't repeat myself. It's the least you can do after everything you've done." You hoped he got the message.
The other surely did, however; one by one they stepped out of Hannah's and Lilly's old room. Thomas was the last one remaining, but after Lilly went back for him, he gave up and followed her. He peeked over one last time and then you and Hannah were left alone.
She was nervous, her hands fidgeting with the blanket she was gripping earlier. A solitary tear wetting her cheek.
You sighed.
Maybe, you thought, it would have been easier since you were a stranger.
You recalled how Hannah had kept her depression a secret, and well, obviously because she didn't want to reveal her darkest secret to anyone, but maybe she was also hiding it to protect her loved ones.
After all, knowing your friend had killed someone in the past and got away with it was meant be a huge weight for everyone.
But you weren't Hannah's friend.
Sure, you would have liked it to be, but at least you knew beforehand what she had committed. Your relationship couldn't be altered, as it didn't really exist. You approached her.
"I'm sorry for yelling, earlier. I didn't want to scare you" you apologized.
"I-t's fine" she dried her cheek messily.
"I want you to know that no matter what you decide, your friends and I will support you."
Hannah nodded, quietly.
"I know. My friends are great. And you are too."
You smiled. "We will help you, I can promise you that much."
She curled up on her bed, hiding her face from you.
"I don't know what do, MC. It seems like no matter what I do, everyone will be hurt because of me. I never meant this to happen..."
You felt even more sorry for her. You couldn't even fathom how scary this situation was for her.
"What would you do in my place, MC?" she asked you, now finally looking at you.
"I...I have no idea, Hannah. Maybe I would ask myself...what i want?"
She bitter laughed.
"As if I deserve to have what I want after that. I deserve to pay in some way or another."
You grasped her hand.
"Hannah, from that day forward you have been paying the price. I don't want to list everything you went through because of that, cause you know it better than anyone. You deserve to be happy."
"You don't even know me, MC" Hannah replied, her eyes watering again.
"More the reason to trust me, no? I'm not saying it because I care about you, but because I believe it’s right."
As Hannah reminded you one very key detail, the question that kept nagging you returned to the surface, stronger than ever.
“Hannah, why did you send my phone number to Thomas if you don’t even know who I am?”
She looked confused.
“I started investigating your disappearance because Thomas told me you sent him my phone number while you were kept captive. Is that true?” You asked her, a bit scared of her answer.
“Oh!” she exhaled, now getting my question right, “I didn’t send any phone number. I sent a receipt.”
You told her your phone number.
“Yeah, excatly!”
“Ah.” you commented, disappointed. Apparently, you weren’t an important puzzle piece in all of this. You just happened to share the same number with Hannah’s receipt.
You had risked your life, your mental health, your sanity only to find out at the end of it all that your presence was just a minor misunderstanding. You were hurt, incredibly so: knowing that it wasn’t anyone’s fault made it even harder. You tried to not show how wounded this revelation made you feel but you weren’t sure you were selling it.
“...And why did you send it?”
“It was my only concrete evidence that I was being stalked for real...No one was believing me,” she explained, “but I knew Thomas would have followed this lead.”
“I see” you simply added, not really knowing what to say.
You both stayed silent for a while, processing what you had said to each other. Then, Hannah talked again.
"So you think I shouldn't report it to the police?"
You retook your compusure.
"What I think is that I don't believe you would be really paying the price if you stayed for years in a prison cell. Ultimately, it would be just extra suffering for your loved ones and most of all for you." You explained, hoping the message was clear.
"I mean...I know that my family and Thomas would be crushed if I went to prison...my parents don't even know what really happened. But do I really deserve to live in the open?"
"You are not a dangerous criminal that needs to be rehabilitated, Hannah. And you already had to live with the consequences of your actions. What can prison offer to you now?"
She stayed quiet, once again.
"I...I have to think about it, MC. Can I give an answer later this day?"
You smiled warmly.
"Of course Hannah. I don't want to pressure you into making any decision."
She hugged you tightly, which you were glad for. You also needed that hug. Even if you wanted to be hugged by someone else.
That reminded you of something.
"I do have one request." Hannah looked at you, curious to know more.
"Jake was involved in our investigation, but since he's in a tight spot right now I would prefer if you didn't talk-"
Hannah suddenly gripped your arms, scaring you.
"Do you know Jake?!" She said, her big blue eyes wide open.
"Y-yeah, he worked with all of us"
"Then you might know!"
You were starting to worry. What was she saying all of the sudden? What were you supposed to know?
"Know what!?"
"Know if he's doing okay!" She pleaded.
You started to sweat cold. You didn't like where this was going. At all.
"Why would I-"
"MC, I saw him! I saw him outside of the mine!"
Your mind went blank.
"He was being chased by the FBI!"
#duskwood#duskwood fanfiction#duskwood everbyte#duskwood jake#duskwood jakexmc#duskwood cleo#duskwood hannah#duskwood richy#duskwood jessy#duskwood phil#duskwood dan#duskwood thomas#duskwood lilly#duskwood mwaf#duskwood mc
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To Be Saved
TW: Abuse, angst, blood, slight suggestive content (in a flashback), Dazai-typical suicide mentions
Ship: Shin Soukoku (one abusing the other)
Description: Atsushi was always one to suffer silently, something his boyfriend, Akutagawa, took advantage of. But the ADA is not about to let their friend suffer any more. (Akutagawa is OOC in this)
Word Count: 1.6k
Atsushi never meant for any of this to happen. Everything was going smoothly for once. He had dinner ready on the table as Akutagawa walked in, he had done all of his daily chores, and he had caught his boyfriend on a good day. Everything was shaping out for a good painless night.
So why did he have to bring up him?
It was honestly an accident, he didn't even realize who's name he had said. He only realized when he saw the eyes of the mafioso turn. These were not the eyes of the man he had fallen in love with, but it was becoming more frequent to see that horrible, terrifying, expression in the grey eyes he once called home. Dazai had always been a sore topic for the Atsushi and Akutagawa, being the abuser of the latter.
He had only wanted to tell his boyfriend a funny story from work, he had no desire to be backhanded by the man he called his lover. He didn't deserve this, did he? He must have, right? Akutagawa was a reasonable man, he wouldn't let his emotions affect him this much if the were-tiger didn't deserve it?
Right?
"Rashōmon!"
The anger emanating from Akutagawa had the smaller man curling in on himself. This protected him from most of the worst attacks, but some of the attacks still got through. Pain blossomed through his back, despite the attacks already having been ceased he could still feel Rashōmon cutting him up. Crimson red blood stained the white shirt, only stopping because the Tiger's healing ability had already closed up the cuts.
Akutagawa grabbed Atsushi's wrist, forcing them to make eye contact, "Tch, are you always going to be this weak, were-tiger? Honestly, if you keep being this weak I'm not going to keep you around for much longer." His voice contained ice shards, his words cutting into Atsushi's heart. He proceeded to walk away from the eighteen year old, coughing quietly. Paying no heed to the sobbing coming from the other room.
Atsushi stayed there, Ryūnosuke's words replaying in his head. He had to get stronger, he couldn't lose him. He knew he was nothing without his abuser boyfriend. He had been reminded of that so many times. The mafioso gave him a reason to live, he couldn't fuck this up. Not like everything else in his life, he had to keep this from slipping through his fingers. Wiping away his tears, he stood up, ignoring the pain that seemed to spread through his entire body. He knew where he had to go. He knew what was expected of him on nights like these.
He grabbed his phone, and a jacket. All his spare shirts were in their bedroom, where Akutugawa had left to. Atsushi didn't dare go in there, unconsciously rubbing the scars from the first time he made that mistake. That night, even thinking about it sent shivers down his spine, so the jacket would cover up the blood while he went to buy a spare shirt for work the next morning. He knew he wasn't going to have a chance to go back and get anything after Ryūnosuke left and still make it to work on time
I can't let the others get affected just because I'm too weak, they need me to not fall behind. So, like every night that he got hurt, he walked to the shop not too far near their apartment. He went to the same section, picked up the same shirt, and paid for it. Atsushi changed the same abandoned alleyway he always did. It was secluded, allowing him a minute to change with minimal risk of getting caught. And like most nights of this kind, he would take a stroll through his neighborhood until he felt tired enough. When that happened, he found the nearest alley and passed out, alarm set on his phone.
"Babe?" Akutagawa called out, concern slipping into his voice. Usually, when he got home Atsushi was there with his arms open. But that night Atsushi was hard at work making dinner for the two of them. He was so deep into his cooking he had not heard his lover come into their home. Arms wrapped around his waist, startling him.
"Ryuu? When did you come home?" He was genuinely confused, he hadn't been that deep into his thoughts had he?
"Just now, seems like my Were-tiger was out of it, are you ok?" He knew this was out of the ordinary for his love. Atsushi only tended to zone out when he was thinking of his past.
"Mhm! Let me just pour this into two bowls for us," he started before kissing the mafioso. "How hungry are you?"
"I'm pretty hungry, maybe not just for food if you get what I mean," Akutagawa teased, slightly smiling at the flustered man in front of him."
"W-what," the detective stammered, trying to regain his composure as he dished out the food. "Eat first, be horny later mister." They both knew they were just teasing each other, making conversation as they sat and ate. Laughter filled the house, a welcome sound to both of the men residing there.
Before Atsushi was able to get up, Akutagawa started to speak, "Wake up, Atsushi." His voice was foreign, familiar, but foreign. It did not sound like it came from the raven-haired man, he was certain of that. "Atsushi you have to wake up!"
Abruptly, the Were-tiger's opened, eyes frantically trying to take in everything around him. In front of him stood the eccentric brunette, who had his hands up, in view of the startled boy.
His name was Dazai Osamu, the sole-reason that Atsushi found work at the Armed Detective Agency. He was eccentric, always finding new ways to attempt suicide. Though he seemed to be a goofball, Atsushi could never put his finger on why exactly that wasn't the case. Furthermore, he didn't understand why he was here of all places.
Behind Dazai stood all of his coworkers at the Agency. They all shared a similar look on their face, concern and partly anger spread across all of their faces. Even on Kenji's face, despite him usually being the calmest of the bunch. In his dazed, and confused, state he could only figure they were mad at him. Atsushi's mind raced with reasons why they could possibly be mad at him.
They had to take time and find him, he was injured weak, he was only being a bother.
"Hey, Atsushi. Look at me, please." Dazai's voice had mostly stayed flat, but one who was really listening could hear a hint of begging in his voice. His eyes only saddened, watching Atsushi flinch at his voice before trying to look at him. "We need to know, what happened to you?"
"Nothing.. m' just being weak," Atsushi mumbled feebly. None of the others heard him, none except Dazai.k
"Atsushi, we need to know how you got here, and who hurt you." No response. Dazai looked behind him, they all nodded. "Was it Akutagawa?" Dazai had his suspicions for a while that the elder man had been hurting Atsushi, from the symptoms of malnutrition and the bruises that should've healed long ago. But he could never be too sure, not until now.
Atsushi had flinched, pulling away from the group as best he could. No, no, no, no! Shit, what am I going to do, they know. I'm going to be in so much trouble if they say anything." The world around him started to dissipate and his breathing grew shallow and fast. All Atsushi could imagine was the pain he would be in, would tonight be the night he died? Or even worse, the night he left because Atsushi was so weak he couldn't hide what was going on?
This time, it was Kunikida who had intervened. "Kid, you're going to be ok. You're not going to get hurt, we won't let him." He would deny it if ever asked, but he was already planning on how he was going to tear the Mafia's Rabid Dog to pieces for hurting the Agency's Atsushi.
"Kunikida, he can't find out you know! Please, I'm begging of you, of everyone, don't let him know!" It broke the Agency's heart to see him plead, even Fukuzawa let it show on his face.
"Atsushi," Dazai started, "We aren't letting you go back there. We don't want him to hurt you again." This had the opposite effect he was hoping for, only causing Atsushi to panic even more.
"He's good! I promise, he's a good man, you can't take me away from him because I'm weak. Dazai please, you don't understand I'm nothing without him! He loves me!"
"I'm sorry Atsushi, but this is for your own good. I need you to listen to me closely, he does not love you. This isn't love. This is abuse. You were somebody before, and you're still somebody now, with or without him." Dazai saw tears forming, and so desperately did he, along with everyone else, want to tear the man who did this to Atsushi. But for now they all stood, trying to comfort him. To everyone's surprise he hid his face into the closest chest he could find, which was Dazai's. Wrapping his arms around the younger detective, he comforted the boy silently. The rest of the Agency joined in on the hug.
"We'll protect you," Kyouka, who had been silent for the entire incident, whispered, knowing Atsushi would hear her.
"He won't get you," Came from Yosano, already mentally making a list of ways to hurt Akutagawa.
While most of the Agency members stayed silent, there was a mutual understanding that they were all here for him. And for the first time in a while,
He felt safe.
#bsd dazai#dazai osamu#angst#bungou stray dogs#shin soukoku#bsd atsushi#atsushi nakajima#bsd akutagawa#akutagawa ryuunosuke#abuse cw#hurt/comfort#angst with a happy ending#sskk#bsd fic#bsd sskk#armed detective agency
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MY DAMN SQUIRREL
TW: Swearing, Gender-neutral, OOC Kars like very ooc, crack, animal cruelty, & enemies to lovers kinda…………
It was the first of the month yes June 19, 2022 and you decided to wake up early to go to the park with your lovely pet Squirrel. “ Hey Chad, it’s such a good day for a walk am I right” you cheerfully asked your best friend, and pet squirrel………… yes his name was Chad, you had named him that after your dead dog whose name was Cat, but he was a mega Alpha Chad who loved you dearly and boy did you miss your furry friend. “ Chad did you know that today was your grandma’s birthday” you said as you stood still looking up at the sky until you were interrupted with a baseball knocking down your dear Chad. You quickly moved catching him as he was about to hit the ground.
“ NO NO NOOOOO…………… CHAD WAKE UP PLEASE WAKE UP ” you screamed as you were holding onto him looking for any life in his eyes as they were closing you saw it all go dark above you. “ Ah there’s my ball ” you heard a stranger say as they bent down to get it they accidentally touched your hand, but as soon as it happened it also ended with him pulling back quicker than a duck “ D-D-Did you just touch my hand ” the stranger said as they looked at you “ What the fuck are you talking about you damn idiotic sloth ” you sourly said as you gave the beautiful ultra beta male a deep and threatening glare, as he saw such a look on his face he shivered with fear. “ Just who the hell do you think you are Busters ” you said standing up looking him in the eyes “ You just………YOU JUST KILLED MY DAMN SQUIRREL ON ITS GRANDMAS BIRTHDAY ” you yelled out as you pocketed your dead squirrel “ Man you just don’t do that type off shit here….don’t you know who’s turf you’re in? ” you said looking him up and down “ And why the hell do you dress like that” you asked as you backed away looking ashamed of him.
“ I-I’m…..IM REALLY SORRY ” he yelped out bowing a little “ Let me introduce myself, my name is Kars and I am you’re future boyfriend ” he said as he gave you a seductive look and proceeding to give you the most chadest smirk of the whole universe “ Who the hell are you talking to idiot ” you said looking around confused out of your mind. As he saw you doing that he got mad and proceeded to unpocket your beautiful squirrel Chad and threw him to the ground only to stomp on him saying “ What a foul creature trying to deceive your beautiful/handsome owner ” Kars said glaring at the squirrel as he let out the ugliest laugh of his lifetime “ MY DAMN SQUIRREL ” you said as you kneel down trying to pick it up before you were stopped by Kars who grabbed both of your hands and said “ It’s okay! I’ll get you a new one!!! ” so joyfully almost like a kid getting the candy they made a tantrum over. “ R-Really would you do that for me mister Kars ” you sniffled out looking at him with teary eyes “ Of course dear I’ll do anything to make you happy ” he said taking his hands back and moving them up to hold your face with them both so dearly and carefully to not hurt you. “ Thank you so much” you said as you let your tears slip, moving closer to said male named Kars and giving him the most scrumptious and delicious kiss of his whole life. It caught Kars by such a huge surprise that his hand immediately turned into a small squirrel who looked exactly like your dear Chad “ A-ah is this for me you said as you backed away and grabbed said hand who turned to a squirrel, holding it close you looked up at him and smiled. You got up and said “ Thank you Kars-Senpai” as you kissed his cheek (which ones tho 🤨🤨🤨) and gave him a card that had your number and left running like a anime girl with your new replacement for Chad number 8.
- end
Look man Ik this was the best five you’ve ever read but you don’t have to tell me about it (plz do) also Ik there was a whole lot of mistakes and all that crap but idc bc I’m cool like that 😳😳😳
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Warrior Cats Chronological Liveblogging Masterpost
Hello, and welcome to my attempt to read through all of Erin Hunter's "Warrior's" (AKA "Warrior Cats") books, in the order shown here. I've previously read basically everything released before the third Dawn of the Clans book, so ~half of these wont be blind reactions, though it's been so long since I read these that I don't remember a lot of them well. Still, understand that this blog will often contain spoilers for books other than the one a post is about, as I reference future material!
Dawn of the clans:
The Sun Trail:
Prologue and chapter 1
...And that's all for now. Hit keep reading if you wanna hear why I'm doing any of this though.
Warrior cats means a lot to me.
Growing up, I had a strange relationship with reading. Until I turned about five and really tried to read a book for the first time, I was convinced that I hated reading. Then once I'd tried it, I loved it, but was convinced that I'd only be able to understand kids books or manga.
Of course, I was wrong. I was more capable than I thought. But bigger, more serious books... they were strangely intimidating to me.
So. One day, me and my sister are at swimming lessons, but there's enough of an age gap that we weren't in the same class. We'd both have to wait like half an hour for each other to be done.
I had made the mistake of not bringing anything to do. But my sister had.
Warriors books. But specifically, the manga.
Warriors having manga spinoffs is one of the weirdest marketing gimmicks ever, but it worked very well on me. A more traditional book might have scared me off.
With no other options, I picked up- if I remember correctly- Tigerstar Sasha book three.
For the record, this is an absolutely CURSED way to get into these books. It was so far disconnected from the main series that it was practically it's own thing. Not to mention it was the finale of this little spin-off.
Still, it was mildly entertaining.
And then a kitten fucking drowns.
That's fine. After all, there's no way they would really kill off a literal kitten. I continued reading.
But it never showed up again.
I reached the end of the book. Kitten still dead.
I leaned back on the uncomfortable poolside bench, mind fucking reeling. It was the most brutal thing I'd ever read. I felt a little sick to my stomach.
But, oh how I wanted more.
I proceeded to read every Warriors manga my sister had brought. Then every manga my library had.
This continued to be a cursed way to read this stuff. The clans are portrayed as distant, ambiguously villainous, and almost irrelevant. The characters the manga feature are fucking bizarre. They occasionally do weird things to the cannon.
But I loved it all. I wanted more.
But I didn't get more. I ran out.
There was no other option. If I wanted to read more Warriors, I'd have to read the books.
...I didn't start with the first one. But I got to it eventually. I got to them all.
I credit Warriors with making me truly love reading. It's a debt I cannot repay. The Erins are responsible for making me the person that I am today.
So it's a shame that. Uh. The books are...
....................not always very good.
In fact, Warriors kinda sucks sometimes. It's worldbuilding is nonsense, it's characters are idiots, and the books are so repetitive that there are tons of scenes you could take out of context, remove the names from, and then show me... And I'd have trouble telling you what arc they were from, much less what specific book.
I've tried to do this whole "read Warriors chronologically" like five times. I don't think I've ever gotten past sun trail.
The hope is that if I make this blog, maybe I'll be able to keep with it enough to get properly re-invested. Not to mention that one of my motivations for wanting to get back into the series is the distant idea that I'll write some fanfic- so, these posts can act as notes about things I found interesting, that I can possibly refer back to.
Also, I've heard some fucking crazy shit about the newer books I've not read. I so desperately want to know the details.
It's a long road I walk now.
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how i overcame my issues. a letter to my former FP: thanks for breaking me.
note: out of respect for her privacy i will not be referring to my FP by name.
i hate having suspicions about someone. because when i do, they usually turn out to be true.
i will never forget your deleted tweet that you posted while we were still dating saying "sorry that you are my new obsession now". i made you do a "loyalty test", asking "does your bf like serial experiments lain?" as a way of getting you to spill your guts about the certain individual you were subtweeting about. you said "he was just a friend" and not only that but you also said that it was just a joke. i believed you at first, but time eventually confirmed my suspicions.
when our relationship ended you told me you wouldn't date ever again because you didn't want to deal with the responsibilities that come with dating. i wanted to convince you otherwise, to make you see that not everything is black and white and that we can still be something. your rejection of my offer hurt me a lot. and it took a while but in the end, i ended up accepting my new status as a friend.
i had several breakdowns before embracing the sad reality, but every time i wanted to leave the internet for some time in favor of my own mental health you kept telling me that you cared about me, that you couldn't imagine being here without me, that you'd feel bad if you made someone leave and that you wanted me to stay. i wanted you to see that i needed time to focus on my mental health, but you kept telling me to stay. and so i did, which ended in one of my worst public mental breakdowns i've had in years, in which i ended up hurting my buddy Kass for trying to help me.
now i'll be honest, i was a bit of a baby in that scenario. i do admit crying out for attention and refusing people's help, and i won't try to justify that. that was a mistake, and i corrected it by apologizing to everyone when i had to. it's good to recognize your own flaws.
anyway, now you're dating someone you just met just because he was helping you feel better about scary old me's psychotic episodes and likes the same game you like (and have likely been doing so even while we were still dating) over someone who you've known for half a year if not a year and genuinely cares about you. all you tweet about is him. you never cared about me, you never loved me, you just wanted someone who could make you feel good about yourself and when i stopped being good enough you began to plan your escape.
you rejected your art hobby, the very thing that inspired me to move forward in the art community, in favor of attention from strangers who have no emotional connection to you like i do. you used to take free requests, that's how much you loved your hobby. you even drew some artwork for my now abandoned musical project either last year or the beginning of this year. you were someone special i looked up to, and the keyword is 'were', because the last time i talked to you, it felt like i was talking to a different person. seeing you reduced to yet another girl on twitter who feeds off the attention from guys hurts worse than a stab wound to the neck.
"I wish you'd stop being mysterious to try to scare me" and "Oh fuck off" were the things you said when i tried to make you see things from my perspective. and yes, maybe my wording wasn't the best, but you completely missed the point i was trying to make with my statements and proceeded to brag about how you're happy about your decisions on your now private twitter.
maybe you think you're doing the right thing by selling me out to fulfill your selfish desires, but i've done the same before, and it didn't end well. you won't realize the consequences of your actions until they bite back and leave wounds. and when that time comes i won't be the one to treat them.
and to the guy you're dating; i don't hate you, i never did. i blocked you for my own mental health. but know that when something seems too good to be true, it's because it's a trap. you'll be hurt in the long run.
maybe you really did love me. maybe i'm the asshole here. maybe it was my "cold" personality and lack of communication that made me seem uncaring and killed our relationship. but it's all over now, and my only option is to move on.
congrats on breaking me, and thank you for doing so. otherwise i would have spent my whole life blaming myself. but now, i see the bigger picture. having lived this experience will allow me to mature, grow up, and learn from my mistakes..
to other people who have been through similar things, please know that you're not alone. the world is big, we're small, but we're all human and we all go through similar experiences. if you need someone to vent to, i can't promise that i'll be of much help but please reach out to me and i'll listen.
life gets better.
btw here's a cringe song because it perfectly encapsulates how i feel regarding this whole fiasco:
youtube
#bpd vent#bpd#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#vent#bpd stuff#bpd fp#bpd favorite person#borderline#actually bpd#bpd awareness#mental health#mental disorder#cw vent
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Crochet shadow infodump under the cut I cannot promise that it will be coherent but I can attest to overenthusiasm, which is just as well I think
Sooo I’ve basically figured out how I want to finish off the head, and am currently working towards that- the base was super simple, just your average sphere. I think I increased up to 42 though I’m not entirely sure it very well could’ve been 36 and I very much should’ve written this down but hindsight etc. anyways from there I had to figure out how to do the nose. I’ve been working from his boom model because it’s a) 3D and b) I do like the designs for that show they’re nice and also easy to find and reference. I also googled shadow plush to see how other people interpreted him in plush form which is a super helpful trick by the way if you ever want to make your own amigurumi patterns.
Anyways, the nose/mouth area. This got a little difficult because I couldn’t figure out how far I wanted the nose to extend at first- an actual hedgehog nose goes out much farther, of course, but the models seemed to stick largely to a stylized version that effectively kept the actual length of the nose very close to the rest of the face. That said I wanted there to be SOME variation in the length at least- as in, while embroidering the nose directly onto a muzzle-type piece as I might for a dog or bear plush would WORK, it’s not exactly the look I was going for- so I did some screwing around with HDC DC TC DC HDC in sequence to sort of have it jut out a bit. It’s amigurumi, so small hook for relatively thicker yarn, which means I didn’t have to do any other rows to even it out. Now the most annoying thing is that I made the rest of that piece by chaining and then working circular around that, which means one side is slightly more rounded than the other to which I have to say: whoops.
The eyes good LORD the eyes. On the model they’re connected at the white part that I can’t remember the name of right now, and I wanted to keep that- one big, backing piece that I am just now realizing I forgot to do the eyelid-eyeshadow thing on before sewing it on. Fuck. Might try to do some surface SC to fix that, but I’ve done eyeshadow-type thing before and I usually work in the back loops of the eye piece. Regardless, where there’s a will etc. so moving on: from there I just made smaller circular pieces for the iris and embroidered on top of those, and I’ll sew em to the back eye piece when I get there. Nothing too exciting. I made the backing piece by making to ovalish pieces (crocheted around a chain again) and then using a tail to connect them with some of the worst shaping techniques the world has ever seen, the (many) mistakes of which I proceeded to cover up with the mouth/nose. This is a metaphor for American politics. Godspeed.
Bad jokes aside: the spikes. Flat triangular pieces done in one color, another flat triangular piece made slightly shorter and sewn to the back, and then the both of them joined to the head, the difference in length allowing them to slope. I haven’t quite figured out the ratio on these yet, and it might come at the cost of a spike or two but the process works and because of that I can screw with it a bit to get the results I want.
Anyways, I might do more once I make the body. Depends. As always, if you’re curious or have any questions PLEASE ask please I love talking about my work
#project: shadow#yes I KNEW that tagging system would come through for me one day#anyways realizing I forgot his eyeshadow. devestating.#tacit rambles
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i know its regularly said that the nein accidentally stole a ship. i even rather regularly joke about that being one of my favorite things they did
but now, rewatching it, holy shit they really, truly, did ACCIDENTALLY steal a fucking ship. it really is an accident on so many fronts
#it's so good i love them#and i am about to rewatch the entire scene / second half of the episode again after having just finished#what disasters i love them#critical role#c2e35#mighty nein#cr rewatch#enigma rambles#they really managed to ACCIDENTALLY steal the ship#and then proceeded to name it the mistake i love them so fucking much
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Older ; Rafe Cameron
masterlist
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader
Summary: Maybe falling in love with a Maybank wouldn’t be too bad.
Warnings: Mentions of sexual abuse!, alcohol, getting intoxicated, sexual harassment, swearing, sweet Rafe Cameron
A/N: I don’t think this is my best fic, but let me know if I should continue this mini series!! thank you so much for 500+ followers, ily <33
p.s; you know the drill.. send requests!
(Y/N) wondered if a boy like him would ever like a girl like her.
It’s the soft touches against her skin, you see, that got her all worked up at work. She had a bad day at school, getting in a fight with her brother over not washing the dishes piling up in the sink, and there he was;
In his blue plaid shirt, his hair messily parted and that beautiful smile of his. He laughed at something the girl in front of him had said, and (Y/N) felt a pang of hurt across her heart.
“Go. Table 7.”
“What? I’m on my break!” She huffed, picking up her half-eaten sandwich and motioning it to the manager. “I have 10 minutes left.”
“We’re short of staff today,” he grunted, trying to balance the tray and an iPad on both hands. “Please.”
“Do I get more pay this month?”
“I’ll think about it,” he grumbled, and handed her the tray as she wrapped the sandwich again. “Oh, can you tell your brother that he’s fired? He didn’t come for his shift again today.”
“Not my problem,” she mumbled, taking the tray into her hands before proceeding to the diners. Her eyes swept over the many tables, and stopped at the seventh table from the front.
Fuck.
She swallowed her saliva, trying to contain her nervousness as she walked towards the table. She hoped against hope he wouldn’t notice her and continue to talk to whoever she was in front of him, but she wasn’t that lucky.
“Hey,” Rafe said softly, looking up to her. (Y/N) smiled weakly, not wanting to pull any attention towards her and hurried up to serve them.
“Hey, um-” the girl before him stopped her, and (Y/N) turned to look at her with her usual server smile. She hates it. “The pasta’s cold, can I get a new one?”
“Come on, Dee, it’s not that big of a deal,” Rafe said, but (Y/N) tried her hardest to maintain the smile. She couldn’t care less about her pasta, and she wouldn’t even bat an eye if an animal had crawled into her meal.
“I’ll reheat it for you,” she smiled fakely, picking up the plate before walking back towards the kitchen. Her smile completely disappeared when she pushed through the door separating the dining area and the kitchen, and proceeded to the cook.
“Another bitch?”
“Another bitch,” she sighed, and watched as the cook laughed and placed the pasta in the microwave. “You know, John, I really wish I don’t have to work in a restaurant.”
“It gives money, so I ain’t complaining much,” he mumbled, fiddling with the buttons on the stove. “But you’re still so young, mija. Don’t stress yourself too much. Where’s the brother?”
“JJ? I don’t know. He didn’t even come to school today. I wish he’s a better brother.”
“He is,” he shrugged, watching the timer counted down to signal the end of the reheating process. “He’s just ain’t showing it. They’ll appear.”
“What’ll appear?”
“The love.”
(Y/N) laughed, flatting her tray against the metal surface to let the cook placed the reheated pasta. “There’s no such thing as love, John. It’s all made up for little girls to believe.”
“Are you not a little girl?”
(Y/N) smiled, muttered a ‘thank you’ before proceeding to table number 7. She took a deep breath and forced herself to form the most politest smile ever, and placed the pasta in front of the girl, or Dee, or whatever Rafe was calling her.
“Thanks,” she muttered, not looking at her, but (Y/N) couldn’t help but noticed the side glance Rafe had given her during their brief meeting, but she didn’t want to dwell so much on that thought, not when she needed to make an amount of money to help put food for her family.
“You’re back late.”
“Sorry dad, I was working,” she sighed, placing her house keys on the table. “Have you eaten?”
Luke swatted his hands, motioning that he’s content. (Y/N) sighed a breath of relief, not feeling like making him anything and was just asking out of politeness.
“Your pants are a little bit tight today.”
(Y/N) stopped in her tracks and closed her eyes, the sudden wave of fear engulfing her. She bit her lips before turning to her father, “It’s the only pair I have left. The others are still in the laundry bag.”
“Hmm,” Luke hummed, his eyes still intently glued on the television screen. (Y/N) heard the soaring of a football game, and prayed it was his team that had won the match so that he wouldn’t be as cross.
“I’m going to my room, okay?”
“Wait-”
Her chest was heaving heavily now, being so afraid of her own father that she could feel her tears starting to form. She forced a weak smile, “Yeah?”
She didn’t realise how he had gotten up from his previous seat in front of the television, being so caught up with the warnings inside her head. He leaned onto her, smelling her scent, and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“You’re not out with any boys, are you?”
“No,” she whispered, and she gripped onto the hem of her work top. “Dad, can I please go?”
“Why are you so scared?” He continued, his pointer grazing against her ear to her cheeks. “I’m your dad, remember?”
“Dad?”
Luke pulled away from her and walked towards the television again when a certain blonde boy appeared from the front door, his eyebrows furrowed. JJ’s eyes followed his father’s movement, and ended at the sight of his sister.
The tightness in his body softened as he took a step closer to her, “You’re okay?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled, wiping the hot tears away from her face and giving him a weak smile. “I’m just going to stay in my room, okay?”
“Okay,” JJ said, watching as she walked slowly towards the back of the house. He glanced at his father, silent as ever, and muttered something under his breath before making his way to his room as well.
JJ Maybank hates Luke Maybank more than anything else in the world, but he also loves him more than anything else in the world. He had wished for nothing else other than his father actually being a father figure for (Y/N), if not him. He could see how much she needed Luke to become some kind of a guardian.
Every time there was a PTA meeting, it had been John to come and see her teachers. John had joked a lot of times before, saying how he’s going to adopt her one day, and when JJ was just 14, he used to get so overprotective of his sister that he would pull a face and gesture some kind of a rude word at him.
But if that's what it takes for her to finally be safe, he’s willing to lose her.
“Hey,” JJ knocked on her door softly, and he waited quietly to hear her shuffle of movements. He waited a few more seconds, and when heard the lock unlocking, forced himself a smile.
“Do you want to go to the bonfire party tonight?” He asked, raising his eyebrows to motion how serious he was. JJ never liked bringing (Y/N) to see the other pogues, and he had tried to assure himself that it was because of how she’s a year younger, but he couldn’t deny the real truth;
(Y/N) knew about his huge crush towards Kie, and the last time she hang out with them resulted into him having to tackle her down before she could say anything to the girl.
“Is Kie not coming or something?” (Y/N) made a face, but JJ could see the happy glint in her eyes.
“Can you drop that topic already?” He sighed, “Are you coming or not?”
“Um-” she glanced at something behind her back, sighed, and nodded slowly. “Okay. I guess I could use some time off schoolwork.”
“Don’t stress too much about school,” JJ shrugged, “You’re still 17.”
(Y/N) rolled her eyes, “Can you go, now? And oh, you’re fired by the way.”
“They love me, they’ll hire me again,” JJ shrugged, and gave her another comforting smile before making his way back to his room. “You know you can always tal-”
“No, I don’t know,” she groaned playfully, closing the door against his face as JJ laughed. His heart soared, and he swore he would do anything in his will to protect his sister from their father, heartbreak, or whatever.
. . .
“I missed you!” Kie exclaimed, pulling her into a hug and giving her a kiss on her cheeks. “God, you’re taller than me now.”
(Y/N) glanced at her brother, to which he was motioning his thumb against his neck, trying to tell her that he would kill her if she says anything to the girl. (Y/N) laughed, “I missed you too, Kie.”
(Y/N) situated herself beside Pope, watching as he flicked through his Chemistry text book, and scribbled something a note on one of the pages.
“Isotopes has the same number of protons but different number of neutrons,” (Y/N) mumbled, pointing to false knowledge he’ve written. Pope looked at her, amazed, and let out the loudest laugh ever that JJ had to scream from the front for him to shut up.
“Shit, (Y/N),” he continued to laugh, erasing his mistake and jotting down the correct information. “And you’re younger. Do you hear that JJ?”
“What?” JJ yelled back, his eyes focusing on the road.
“Maybe you should be as clever as your sister,” Pope laughed, and Kie gave him a high-five from the front seat. He turned to look at her again, “Where’d you learn that?”
“JJ’s text book.”
Pope laughed, his head shaking at the thought of JJ sleeping while his sister sneaked into his room to steal his text book. He finally understood the reason why he was always in detention for not bringing his book.
“Stay close, and don’t wander away,” JJ warned, staring straight into her eyes. She laughed at his tone, but her smile disappeared when he pulled her again.
“I mean it, (Y/N).”
“Are you seriously turning into dad, now?”
“Don’t mention his name,” he sighed, fixing his hair and walking before him with his friends. “Just stay close, okay?”
(Y/N) rolled her eyes, already seeing how boring her night was going to be; trying to understand the inside jokes between JJ and his friends, not being allowed to drink any alcohol and is going to be constantly asked to fix her ribbed top so not much of her skin is exposed.
She sighed, following her brother, but as soon as they got further away she felt the need to just hang out, maybe searching for her friends and getting a drink for herself. She was never a fan of alcohol, so JJ really didn’t have to worry about her getting drunk.
“You’re (Y/N), right?”
(Y/N) looked up to a pair of gorgeous green eyes, and she felt her heart sink. She looked away, not expecting her best friend’s boyfriend, and sighed.
“What do you need, Carter? I’m looking for Emily too.”
“Oh, she’s not coming,” he shrugged, standing beside her. She felt the sudden warmth and scooted further, not wanting to allow any attention towards her. “Something about a stomach ache.”
“Why aren’t you resting with her?” She pulled a look, crossing her arms. She didn’t want to talk to him or even look at him, but he didn’t seem to get that note.
“And pass up this year’s bonfire party? Nah,” he sipped on his red cup, and leaned against her. She could feel his lips beside her ear now, “Wanna get a drink?”
“I don’t drink.”
“Come on,” he expressed, throwing his arms up into the air in fake exasperation. “It’s a party. You cannot enjoy a party without being drunk.”
“Hm,” she shrugged, still not interested. She thought about what else she could say to get him away from her. “Worth trying, I guess.”
“You are damn impossible to please, Maybank,” Carter laughed, showing his pearly white teeth. (Y/N) smiled at this, taking the statement into a compliment, and made to walk away. He grabbed her wrist before she could get away, and she sighed in annoyance.
“One drink,” he smiled. “And I’ll leave you alone.”
(Y/N) thought about this, long and hard, and the sudden thought of wanting to be free for once entered her mind. She gave him a small nod.
“One drink.”
“One drink,” he confirmed, and pulled her to the drinks section. (Y/N) waited for him to get her a drink, her eyes swarming over the sea of people dancing, some talking, some already kissing and some just standing. This was her third bonfire party in Obx, and the party didn’t get any boring.
“Here you go,” Carter appeared, placing the red cup into her hands. “Let’s chug it down together. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3!”
(Y/N) scrunched up her face at the strong taste of vodka, feeling her throat burning. It felt good though, especially when you are in need to forget some hesvy things in your mind.
“What do you say?” Carter smiled, “Want more?”
“I’ll try more,” she laughed, giving him the cup as he muttered ‘I told you so’ and came back with another cup. They counted together again, and (Y/N) never felt better after drinking an intoxicating drink.
She didn’t remember why she never liked alcohol, but at that moment, she felt like drinking her money and family issues away. She didn’t even realise when Carter had placed his arms around her, telling her humourless jokes that she laughed at anyways.
“Wanna go to my car?”
“Huh?” She looked at him, half-smiling and half-frowning. She was at her 7th cup now, but being a lightweight person, she felt like she was on her 30th cup. “What for?”
“Driving around town,” he smiled, standing up and offering his hand. “Wanna drive around with me?”
“Just you?” She mumbled, closing her eyes. She could feel his arms around her, trying to help her walk, but she didn’t have enough energy to push him away. If anything, she was glad he had brought her away from the loud music that made her dizzy.
“Where’s the car?” (Y/N) whined, feeling her arms hurting from the rough grip by Carter. She could hear the crunch of twigs under her feet, and when she finally had an ounce of power to see her surroundings, she saw the empty car park near the beach.
“Carter, I don’t feel so good,” she said, trying to push him away. The grip around her tightened, and she had never felt so panicked as she was at that time. She tried to calm down, still looking for anyone who can help her, but the parking lot was deserted.
“Carter, I can walk,” she tried again, but he didn’t let go. She understood the whole situation clearly now, and wished she had stayed with JJ and his friends instead of wandering around by herself.
“Hey, hey, hey.”
Carter stopped walking, cursing while he turned to look at the voice behind him. (Y/N) grunted, feeling her arms bruising, and she couldn’t even glance up to see who it was that saved her. She could feel her eyesight getting darker as she leaned on Carter for some type of balance.
“Where are you going?”
“None of your business,” Carter groaned, still holding her by his side. “Don’t you have anything to do? Like golf, or something.”
“Nah,” the voice replied, and (Y/N) perked up at the way his voice sounded. It was all so familiar to her. . .
“Look, Cameron, just go, okay? I’m not in your business, so stay out of mine,” Carter huffed, walking backwards slowly. “And she’s with me, right, (Y/N), you’re with me?”
“Let her go, man,” Rafe sighed, “I’m making it easy for you. Let her go.”
“Come on, I’m not letting you take her with you,” he shrugged, “Rafe. I swear. You don’t want to mess with me.”
“Aren’t you a little bit too old for her?” Rafe raised a brow, “Aren’t you my age, or something?”
“Fuck!” Carter yelled, and (Y/N) gasped from the sudden pain coursing through her veins at the jerk. “Go and fuck off.”
“You’re not leaving me a choice, man,” Rafe said, and before anyone could process, Carter was down to the ground, yelling at Rafe for him to stop as he kept throwing punches after punches, his forehead creasing and his knuckles ripping.
(Y/N) groaned from the ground, unable to get up, and she swore he had drugged her. She was never this weak, not even when she was sick, and she hated how she couldn’t even lift a finger.
“Don’t fucking touch her again!” Rafe yelled, spitting on the groaning boy as he grunted against the pain, his knuckles all bruised up and bloody.
“Hey, you’re okay?” Rafe asked, helping her to her feet. (Y/N) nodded, still so weak, and wrapped her hands around his arms as he watched her limped.
“You know what? Let me carry you,” he sighed, looking at the previous space where he had had a fight with Carter. He was nowhere to be seen now, and Rafe didn’t think he could fight him off for the second time, not when he’s tired.
“I can walk,” she mumbled, trying to push him off, but even a second after he let her go she tripped onto the road, and grunted at her burning knees. “My knees, oh my god, I’m in so much pain!”
“Let me carry you,” he sighed again, squatting to her level. She looked so sad, pouting her lips and her eyebrows all scrunched down. She shook her head when he tried to hold her, crossing her arms.
“(Y/N), let me carry you.”
“I don’t even know you!” She spat, her eyes glassy and her cheeks red. Rafe didn’t know she would be like this when she was drunk, but he couldn’t deny the amusement he was feeling.
“Of course you know me,” he tried again, slowly wrapping his fingers around her wrist. “It’s Rafe.”
“I don’t know any Rafe.”
“It’s Rafael Cameron,” Rafe rolled his eyes, cringing at the sound of his full name. He never liked the name, saying how it made him look like some type of a knight in 1823, but it was one of the only memories left of his real mother.
“I know a Rafael,” she nodded. “But he don’t look like you.”
“(Y/N), let’s just go before some creep decides to kidnap you,” he pulled her up, to which she obliged at the sound of ‘kidnapping’. “I’ll send you to your house, okay?”
“No!” She pulled him close, hugging him tightly that he was too stunned to react. His arms weren’t even touching her, stopping midway, and he only hugged her back when she cried.
“He’s gonna be mad at me,” she whimpered, tugging on his collar. “And he’s going to beat me up and-”
“Wait, wait, who?” He pulled her off, watching as she looked at him with those eyes again. Rafe furrowed his eyebrows, his chest heaving. “Does JJ do-”
“Not JJ,” she cried, and pulled him towards a random car. “Can I please just stay with you until the next morning? Please.”
“Are you sure?” Rafe looked around, and he thought about Dee who was waiting for him at the party. He shook his head at the thought, not wanting to put her first. “We can stay somewhere else?”
(Y/N) nodded frantically, and Rafe thought about the truth behind all of her words. She was never this miserable, looking all happy when he sees her at the restaurant, taking orders with that goddamn smile and laughing at the unfunny jokes old men would give her just for some tips.
Without him knowing, the restaurant by the bay became one of his top favourite restaurants, but it wasn’t because of the food. Rafe never really liked their steaks, always preferring the one closer to the country club, but he was willing to put aside his cravings for that one certain waitress.
“Okay,” he nodded, leading her to the jeep parked a few cars away. She looked so tired, her hair messily tucked behind her ears, her makeup smudged, and Rafe felt a sudden wave of relief for being there in the parking lot to grab his phone in the car.
The drive was silent, and Rafe even thought that she had gone to sleep. When he looked at her from the corners of his eyes, he was surprised to see her silently staring at the dark view outside, unmoving.
He parked outside of the hotel he usually goes to when he’s in need for some alone time, checking the time on his phone before helping her out. She didn’t say a word to him, keeping her head down, only inching closer when they were on their way up to their room.
(Y/N) never been to a fancy hotel like this, only staying in a small hotel in Spain with her aunt 4 summers ago, so she was quite bewildered when she looked around the room. She bit her lips, staring at the one queen bed, and turned to look at him.
“Are we sharing a bed?”
“Oh, no, we don’t have to,” Rafe quickly said, trying to calm her down. “I think you should sleep it off. I’ll stay on the sofa.”
“Okay, thanks.”
But she couldn’t close her eyes. Every time she tried to sleep it off, she would think about Luke with his hands around her face, forcing her to look up to his eyes and whispering sweet-nothings into her ear. JJ never knew about this, and (Y/N) never wanted to tell him out of fear and disappointment, so she had been keeping the secret for a really long time.
“Rafe?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks for bringing me here.”
“It’s nothing,” he huffed, and (Y/N) heard him shift. The sound of a pillow hitting the floor blared throughout the dark room, and (Y/N) felt bad about letting him sleep on the sofa, especially when he was the one who had brought her to the hotel.
“You can stay in the bed with me.”
“Really? I can’t do that.”
“Why?” She asked, because she really didn’t mind sharing a bed with Rafe Cameron. It wasn’t like she was going to attack him.
“Just because.”
“Is it because you don’t like me?” She asked, and she heard an amused laugh coming from the sofa.
“Trust me, you’re wrong on that one,” he replied simply, and (Y/N) had to think of what he said again.
Wrong?
“Is it because I’m a minor?”
“We’re only 2 years apart.”
“So what’s the problem?” She pressed, because she couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just sleep on the same bed as her. They didn’t have to be all pushed up to each other. . .
“Because,” he sighed, “I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of stuff.”
“Rafe, I don’t understand,” she closed her eyes, her mind woozy from the back and forth fight with the boy.
Rafe sighed again, licking his lips before standing up from the sofa. “Okay, but I’m not a creep, okay?”
“So it is because I’m a minor,” she nodded to herself, and she felt a sudden wave of disappointment. If only she was a year older.
“Whatever,” he breathed, trying to get the best position under the covers. He felt her fingers and quickly pulled his hand away, his heart beating.
“You’re weird.”
“I just said I’m scared,” he shrugged, and finally settled comfortably. He felt so much better now, not having to pull his legs together and crossed his arms just to fit on the sofa.
“What if I do want you to sleep with me on the bed?”
“Shut up,” he groaned.
“No, Rafe, what if I do want you-”
“Shut up before I make you.”
(Y/N)’s eyes went wide, and she thought of the many times she had repeated this exact line in a movie and how she had romanticised her own scenario to that line. She never thought of Rafe Cameron as the protagonist, only imagining Timotheé Chalamet and no one else.
“You’re still drunk, okay?” He suddenly said, and (Y/N) bit her lips at his exasperated tone. “I don’t want to take advantage of you. I’m not Carter.”
“Okay,” she said softly, “I didn’t ask for you to fuck me, though.”
“Really? You’re begging for it right now.”
“I just want you to get comfortable.”
“Hm.”
“You’re full of yourself.”
“Yeah? You should see the eyes you give me at the restaurant,” he replied simply, and he could feel himself thinking of her slightly narrowed eyes, looking straight at him.
He shifted his position, placing a pillow against his front.
“Why didn’t you act on it?”
“Oh god, we’re still on this?” He grunted, “Go to sleep.”
“Why wouldn’t you want to fuck me?”
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, and before she could think about anything else to say to him next, he had pulled her shoulders so that she could look at him.
She squinted against the darkness, using the moonlight as a source of light to stare into his beautiful blue orbs.
“I would fuck you, but I won’t do it when you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You are, because-” he grazed his thumb against her bottom lip, and she had to hold her breath. “You’re not this open to me when you’re sober.”
“Isn’t it more fun, though? To fuck when you’re drunk?”
“I’d only do that if you’re my girlfriend.”
“So can I be your girlfriend?”
“I’ll think about it tomorrow,” he smiled, and pushed her back to face the ceiling. “Now sleep.”
“What if I want to become your girlfriend now?”
“JJ will kill me.”
“Can you kill him back?”
“(Y/N),” Rafe sighed, being so tired of going back and worth with her on this. Of course he wanted to touch her, more than anything else in the world, but he couldn’t do it when she was in a state like this. “Go to sleep.”
“Okay.”
“Okay. Good girl.”
“Okay.”
He waited a few more minutes, ready to answer any remarks, but what came after was only her soft snores. He sighed in relief, leaning on his arms as he stared at her. He watched as her chest heaved peacefully, feeling all kinds of emotions at once, and he finally realised the truth;
This time he wasn’t playing; Rafe Cameron would never bring a girl to a fancy hotel for nothing other than sex, but here he was; refusing her teasings, and keeping her safe. It finally hit him; he would bring (Y/N) anywhere if that’s the only way to keep her smile.
He shut his eyes, making a mental note to make fun of her drunk state in the morning.
#Part 2
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