#anyway honestly a perfect cartoon like holy shit that was one of the best things I've ever seen | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

Tumblr has been banned in Indonesia for providing people with access to pornographic content.

#anyway honestly a perfect cartoon like holy shit that was one of the best things I've ever seen

chiliiscereal · 3 years

Text

Well my standards have really lowered when I comes to writing fanfiction a XD

First I didn’t want to write any at all, then I didn’t want to write for any cartoons, then I didn’t want to write for cartoon turtles... and here i am.

Here I am starting a x reader fanfiction... with the 2014/2016 version of Raph

Still a bit uncomfortable with this but I had an idea so here we go! If I like it then I’ll keep going :p

Lol what am I doing with my life XD

Too tall

Raph x tall! Fem! Reader

Summary: yes this is me self projecting. Reader is 6 foot 4 inches tall and literally every boy she meets is too insecure to date her when she’s that tall. After a while of being treated like she unbreakable and a giant she gets tired of it. Luckily there’s someone else out there who understands how she feels.

———-

You tapped the cafe table impatiently, trying not to watch your friend and her boyfriend across from you. You attempted to look at the door instead. Maybe if you stared at it long enough then your date would show up.

“It’s okay! I’m sure he’ll show up.” She tried to console you as her boyfriend held her tiny little hand.

Perfect.

Small.

You looked at your own clenched hands and wished that yours could fit so perfectly in someone else’s hands. But, sadly, big hands come with height.

No boy your age ever came close to you.

It’s not that you minded.

It’s that they did.

You didn’t care that practically every boy you met barely went up to your shoulder. You wanted companionship. You didn’t need them to be a hulking giant. You needed someone who loved you.

This wasn’t Tall Girl for goodness sake.

You weren’t waiting around for some tall man to show up.

Unfortunately no guy was willing to step up to the plate.

Why might you ask?

Insecurity of course.

The last three guys that turned you down all said they weren’t comfortable with being shorter than their girlfriend. Others said they weren’t looking for a girlfriend.

Funnily enough they all ended up with girlfriends maybe a week later.

The other girls were incredibly tiny. They barely even made it to the boys shoulders. If that.

But you thought maybe this boy would be different.

He seemed like he was.

He seemed interested at least.

He SEEMED like he was excited when you asked him on a double date with your best friend and her boyfriend.

But an hour passed already and he wasn’t there.

You sat up with a bit of a huff. “It’s fine. Let’s just... let’s just enjoy dinner.”

Your friend frowned at you but decided to let it drop. She knew you hated whenever anything like this was addressed so she bit her tongue and changed the subject.

You couldn’t enjoy dinner or pay attention to anything brought up.

Oh you tried.

You gave it the old college try.

But you found your mind wandering back to the lost date way to often.

After another thirty minutes you stood up. “You know what? I’m kind of tired and I still have some homework to finish up. You two enjoy your date!” You grabbed your bag and walked out before your friend could even call you back.

You just needed some time to yourself.

Time to think.

You walked down the sidewalk slowly, half heartedly wishing that the boy would call you and give an amazing reason as to why he was two hours late.

You stopped yourself from reaching for your phone to check for a text.

No it was his loss.

Not yours.

Surely there was someone out there for you... waiting for you to come along.

Someone that wouldn’t care if you were a little taller than them.

You huffed and zipped your bag shut. Whoever they were, they definitely weren’t that boy.

“Hey girl, who you all dressed up for?” Came a voice from the alley you were about to pass.

“No time to talk.” You answered quickly and continued walking.

You weren’t about to give them the time of day. There was a tub of ice cream and a sappy romance movie waiting for you back at your apartment.

“Come on, a girl like you with legs like that? Surely you’re dressed up for somebody.” The man stepped out of the alleyway and leaned against the brick wall. “I’m thinkin’ maybe it’s me.”

Oh you wanted to turn him around and hit him with your bag.

But it wasn’t worth the risk.

“Hell no.” You stated curtly and walked by him briskly.

He snatched your wrist, effectively making your skin crawl. “Look at me when I’m talking to ya.”

He pulled you into the alley before you could stop him.

“Maybe you didn’t hear me.” You growled and tried to rip yourself away. “HELL. NO.”

“Come on, baby! Give me a chance-!” He attempted you sweet talk before he was interrupted.

You caught his hand before he could grab you anywhere inappropriate. “I have had a REALLY terrible day. I am a MINOR and if you don’t get lost RIGHT NOW then you’re gonna have some serious problems.”

He was close enough that you could smell the bitter alcohol on his breath.

He was probably a head shorter than you and had no idea what he was getting into.

“I don’t care if you’re a minor-.” He started.

Your fist smashing into his nose stopped his words.

“Like I said!” You growled as you shook the pain out of your knuckles, “I have had a really really REALLY bad day. And YOU are some little gnat just buzzing in my FACE!”

He gripped his nose with a cry, blood dripping down it like a waterfall. “YOU BROKE MY NOSE!”

“YOU PULLED ME INTO AN ALLEY AND TRIED TO TOUCH ME!” You shouted back, hitting him with your purse before he could charge at you. “YOU MADE THIS CHOICE AFTER I WARNED YOU!”

It felt good to take your rage out on somebody. And it was justified to! It wasn’t like you were just beating this man. He wasn’t letting you leave! He kept grabbing you before you could go.

————-

Turtles pov

They crouched above the alleyway, watching the man pull you into the alleyway.

“We gotta get involved man.” The red masked one whispered. “This doesn’t look to good.”

“I told you, we only get involved if it gets really bad.” The blue one responded with an eye roll. “We can’t risk being seen!”

“It already looks really bad!”

“If she gets anymore hurt then we jump in!”

The orange masked turtle jumped into the conversation. “I don’t know, I think my money’s on the girl.”

“Mikey shut up!” The purple masked brother whispered. “This is serious!”

“So am I! Look at her! She isn’t even scared!”

“I think she at least looks a little scared.”

“Probably cause she’s trying to keep herself from beating the shit out of him!”

Raph rolled his eyes and shoved his younger brother. “It’s our job to do the protectin’ round here. Shut up and- HOLY SHIT!”

The all gasped as you reeled your hand back and knocked your fist into the creeps nose.

“Damn that looked like it hurt.” Leo observed. “Maybe she doesn’t need our help.”

“I say we stay here in case it goes south.” Raph argued, waiting for Leo to argue with him.

“Fine, but we leave when it looks like she’s safe.” Leo nodded and looked back to the fight.

Raph didn’t have time to feel proud that he’d been listened to. Mikey was inching closer to watch. “What the hell are ya doin’?” He reached forward to pull him back. “She’s gonna see ya!”

Mikey leaned over the edge anyway. “Look at her go! I told you he didn’t stand a chance!”

“Who knew using a purse was so effective?” Leo nodded. “Think she’s got it?”

“Looks like it to me!” Mikey laughed and watched with glee. “This is real entertainment.”

“Mikey you’re too close to the edge!” Raph tried to grab him but was shoved away. “You’re gonna fall-!”

————

With that you shoved the man into the wall. “Are you FINALLY done? Have you FINALLY learned your lesson?”

He spit out the blood from his mouth and nodded. “Fine! Please just leave me alone!”

“Good choice!” You shoved him away from you. “Go before I change my mind!”

He was gone before you could even blink.

“That’s right! Get out of here!” You shouted to him as he scurried away.

You lifted your chin triumphantly.

Maybe you hadn’t gotten that date but you sure did beat the crap out of a creep.

You dusted your hands off and snatched your purse off the ground.

“If I catch you harassing anyone else you’ll get it twice as bad!”

No answer of course.

He was long gone.

Still, it felt good to shout.

You could finally go home.

You turned back to the edge of the alleyway with a sigh of relief.

You took one step forward.

Then, the least expected thing happened.

“OH SHIT!”

Next thing you knew you were on the ground after something very large crashed into you.

“What the hell!” You sat up and rubbed your head. “Who just sits on a roof above an alleyway?!”

You grabbed your purse quickly and stood up, ready for another fight.

It wasn’t another creep.

And from the looks of it... it wasn’t even human.

Well, THEY weren’t even human.

You didn’t know what they were.

Green...

Huge...

And shells...

The finally looked at you.

Why were they wearing masks?

What even were they?

Why were they there!?

The one in orange immediately scurried behind the one in red. “Oh shit oh shit oh shit!”

The one in red looked at you and then looked at the guy behind him. “You dragged me into this! You fix it!”

He pulled him forward.

Honestly you had no idea what to think.

There were two GIANT turtles right in front of you! And they were talking!

You gripped your purse a little tighter, waiting to see what they would do.

The one directly in front of you tried to speak only to look back at the red masked one and then back up at where they had fallen.

You looked from him to where he was looking quickly. “Are there more of you?”

He gulped quickly and attempted to hide behind the bigger turtle. “Uh... yeah?”

You took a small step to the exit. “Are you... are you gonna try to take my purse or something?”

The red one glared at you. “No! We’re just.. just here to protect the city. We ain’t monsters!”

You noticed him getting defensive immediately and nodded. “...okay then. Well, if you’re not going to rob me then I’m going to pretend I saw nothing and go on my way.”

The red one frowned.

You were acting waaaaaaay too casual.

Surely there had to be some other motive.

“Hold on a minute... you ain’t goin’ anywhere yet.”

You glared at him and held out your purse. “Are you gonna stop me?”

Mikey took a step back and Raph rolled his eyes.

“I don’t think a purse is gonna do much against someone like me.” He stated.

“I don’t even know who you are.” You stepped back again and tightened your grip. “I didn’t even know people like you existed until now.”

You looked them up and down, taking them all in.

This couldn’t be real.

It couldn’t be.

“You say anything bout this and you’re dead, got it?” He pointed around you as if aggression could make you quiet.

“Can you at least let me go home and finish my ice cream before you decide to kill me?” You backed up again.

You were so close to running away.

So close to escape.

Before you could back up any further, two more creatures dropped from the sky behind you.

You jumped and scrambled away, nearly running into the red masked turtle.

“Listen, I’m sorry about the way my brother phrased everything.” The new turtle glared at his companion. “What he meant to say is that we protect the city. We were watching that man just in case he tried anything and these two,” he glared at the first two again, “fell off the roof.”

The one next to him pushed up his glasses. “I’m surprised you haven’t passed out from fear yet. The first person we met did just that!”

Your back hit the wall and you had no where else to go. “I’m not too sure if I won’t do that.” You glanced between the four of them. “What even are you guys?”

“Turtles!” The orange one spoke up before the red one could shush him.

“Mutants as well.” The purple one joined.

“And ninjas.”

“And teenagers.”

You couldn’t help but snort. “Mutant turtle teen ninjas? I think you need to rebrand that.”

Maybe you were insane.

Here you were cracking jokes with large turtles at dinner time.

But so far they were harmless, despite their stature. According to the blue one they protect New York.

“Ya got a problem with it?” The red one grew even more tense.

You shook your head quickly. “No. Just... surprised.”

“And scared?” He added. “Scared of monsters like us?”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I thought you just said you weren’t monsters.”

That seemed to stop him.

So you continued with a deep breath. “You’re all just... really huge. I thought I was tall but standing next to you...” you swallowed and tried not to let your nerves get to you. You turned to the blue one since he seemed to be the leader. “...can I go now? I won’t tell anyone you exist or... whatever it is you want.”

The blue one was skeptical but the purple one butted in.

“Do you have a way home? Like a friend you can call?”

You opened your purse. “Yeah I should be able to call an Uber with my...” you pulled out the broken device. “...my phone.”

Well crap.

You stuffed it back in quickly. “It’s okay I’ll just walk-!”

“I can fix it.” He offered. “Besides it’ll be an extra security measure for us if we have your contact information.” He gestured loosely to the hand you’d punched the creep with. “We could also bandage up those cuts.”

You brought up your hand and inspected the blood with surprise.

Well... when were you gonna get another opportunity like this? It’s not everyday a girl gets invited into the homes of local mutants.

Besides you really didn’t want to walk home with your phone destroyed.

The red one looked at the purple one angrily. “You wanna being ‘er back??”

“Our job is to help people, Raph.” He rolled his eyes.

“I’m with Donnie. It’s only fair since we broke her phone.” The blue one nodded.

“Well if it’s not too much trouble...”

—————

Next thing you know you were whisked away to none other than the sewers.

Well that kind of made sense.

No one would ever really want to go down there anyway.

The purple one, whose name you learned was Donnie, had your phone in his three fingers the moment you stepped foot in their home.

“I’ll do a little fixing up, maybe an upgrade, and Raph can take a look at your hands.” He muttered as he started to disappear into a lab like room.

Raph...

He was the red angry one wasn’t he.

The tallest and biggest out of them all.

He didn’t seem too happy about it either.

“Why me?” He protested. “What ‘bout Leo? Or-or Master Splinter? Heck, even Mikey!” He gestured to his orange masked brother as if to showcase how he’d be better at it.

You couldn’t help but silently agree with him.

Mikey seemed the most open on the way here. He’d talked your ear off the whole trip, asking questions about what it was like to be a human and bragging about all the people he’d saved. He’d even wanted you to play a video game with you when you got to their home. He’d been a bit overbearing but that was better than Mr. miffed muscle mountain.

“Hey you’ve broken the skin on your knuckles before. You’ve got experience in it. Just fix her hand and be done.” With that, Donnie was gone.

You shared an awkward moment of eye contact with Raph before he sighed.

“Well, I’m gonna go play my game.” Mikey dashed over to the tv. “Let me know when you two are done and we can play!” He grabbed Leo by the back of his shell and pulled him along.

You bit the inside of your cheek nervously.

It was just you two.

You and the giant turtle boy beside you.

“Aight well...” he cleared his throat. “I guess I’ll take you up to the work out room then?”

He stopped and you realized he was waiting for you to say something. You quickly tried to scrounge up a comprehensible sentence.

“Y-yeah, sounds good with me.” You followed after him quietly, holding your hand so the blood wouldn’t drip everywhere.

The room was smaller than you imagined but still... it was huge to you.

He began rummaging through a box on the table, fumbling with objects. “You can uh... you can sit down while I grab the-the stuff.” He told you quickly.

You didn’t know where to sit so you interpreted his words to mean that you should sit on the work out bench.

You watched patiently as he found the roll of gauze.

Clearly he was just as nervous as you.

You didn’t know why HE was nervous though. He was a giant turtle for goodness sake. He could snap you in half easily.

“Here lemme see that hand.” He shuffled over and reached out.

You gave your right one to him, trying to hold in your nervous shaking.

“Ain’t gonna bite ya.” He rolled his eyes.

“I know.” You commented, watching him start applying disinfectant. “Just never been in a situation like this before.”

He snorted and continued his work.

You couldn’t help but notice how small your hand looked compared to his. Ha. That was new. Usually it was you watching little pick me girls compare their hand size to their crushes. How strange it was for it to be you.

“And I thought I had big hands.” You couldn’t help but blurt out.

He kept his eyes on your hand, examining it a little more. “Ya call this big?”

“Yep.” You glanced around the room, taking in the ‘scenery’.

He snorted. “Damn tiny to me.” He pulled out the gauze and began wrapping your knuckles. “Look, I’m uh... I’m sorry ‘bout the way I handled earlier. My dumbnut brother got us exposed when ya clearly had the situation handled.”

You cringed, remembering that they’d seen you beating the creep. “Yeah I could have handled that better as well.”

He paused for a half second, as if considering his next words, and then continued. “Heard ya say you were havin’ a shit day as well.”

You weren’t exactly sure if you wanted this brought up in the middle of the weirdest experience ever but you were desperate for a smooth conversation. “Yeah, some jackass stood me up.”

He frowned and momentarily made confused eye contact with you. “Stood ya up?”

“You know, as in he said he was gonna go on a date with me and just didn’t show up.” You forced out a laugh. “But it’s fine I got ice cream at home.”

“Mmm.” He muttered. “Sounds like a douche bag.”

Well outta room! Part two will be up I had too much fun :)

#tmnt headcanons #tmnt raphael #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt #tmnt 2014 #raph x reader

185 notes · View notes

365days365movies · 3 years

Text

March 7, 2021: Wolfwalkers (Review)

Well, it’s not a 98%. Close enough, though...

Because this film is...fantastic. It’s amazing! Come on, it’s such a good movie, what else were you expecting? This one was a corker, it was just a good time. And I’m definitely watching this one again, I promise you that.

But here’s the real question: is it my favorite Cartoon Saloon film? Well...

Yeah, sorry, Song of the Sea still takes that role for me. And to be honest, The Breadwinner gives it a run for its money, too. Definitely better than The Secret of Kells, although...not that much better. I’ll elaborate, I promise. But this is still a great movie! ALL of Cartoon Saloon’s films are great movies, come on!

But, since it’s not a straight-up 100%, I’ll break it down, as well as my very unimportant issues with it. So, let’s get into it. Check out Part One and Part Two of the Recap for more, if you’d like!

Review

Cast and Acting: 10/10

Yeah, if this movie has one thing over the Ghibli films, it’s the voice acting. And yeah, I realize that I’m judging this English-language film vs. the dubbed Ghibli films, and that’s unfair. But even without the Ghibli films factored in...this movie’s got some fantastic voice acting. I can say quite honestly that there isn’t a weak performance in the bunch. Worst ones are probably the two farmers, and they’re completely fine. Climbing on up, we’ve first got Tommy Tiernan (as Sean, and he’s pretty great) and Simon McBurney (as Oliver Cromwell, and he does a fantastic job). Then, Sean Bean and Maria Doyle Kennedy as the concerned parents, and hot damn, they’re great. Kennedy barely gets time to shine, but is great when she does. And Bean? Holy shit, Sean Bean is fucking AMAZING in here!

But no...no, they’re all outright bad compared to the stars of the film, and some of the best young voice actors I’ve ever heard. Don’t know what it is about Cartoon Saloon, but they always get great kids for their films, and Honor Kneafsey and Eva Whittaker might be their best! These two are powerhouses of the film, and their voices inhabited those characters perfectly. I mean it when I say that these two were perfect. Bravo!

Plot and Writing: 8/10

Here’s where the film is a touch weaker than the other Cartoon Saloon films for me, because while this was a good story by Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart, with great writing by Will Collins, it wasn’t their most impactful for me. It’s also, to be honest, quite predictable. Which, no, isn’t a bad thing for a kids’ movie, but it was noticeable. Here’s the thing: Song of the Sea wasn’t super predictable. I was touched and surprised by the ending, and it’s still my favorite of the Saloon films. The Breadwinner...oof, yeah, I had no idea how that one would end. And Kells wasn’t as unpredictable, but it also had some major surprises in store that kept me on my toes. But Wolfwalkers? Didn’t feel it. Knew that Moll would be OK at the end, and that was the main crux of the tension of the story. Now, that said...there were still definitely things that surprised me, like Bill getting bitten, and the two retaining their status as Wolfwalkers in the end. That did surprise me, and it definitely isn’t like the story was bad, even a little bit. Just was basically what I expected.

...Except for Cromwell dying. WHAT THE FUCK. The Cartoon Saloon universe has a REALLY interesting alternate history, I tell you what! Goddamn, I hope they do one that takes place in the USA with some of our folklore and mythology. Like...OOH, I GOT ONE. Paul Bunyan story! Do something with Bunyan and the Ox. Or OOH, EVEN BETTER, Pecos Bill! Actually, maybe not Pecos Bill. John Henry? Eeeeeh, that might be complicated. I dunno, but there’s something there, Cartoon Saloon! There is something there.

Directing and Cinematography: 10/10

I mean...it’s Cartoon Saloon. It’s amazing. Tomm Moore is great again, joined this time by writing partner Ross Stewart. Looks like Nora Twomey is working on another film called My Father’s Dragon, and I am READY for that shit. But yeah, I mean...come on. It’s funny, because this movie’s production and release were heavily affected by COVID-19, and it doesn’t show. There is a single criticism that I can give to it, but it doesn’t belong in this section. Because the directing and cinematography are typically amazing. Goddamn beautiful. As for the one potential flaw...

Production and Art Design: 9/10

Understand: this is a nitpick. Bu if I had to pick on anything here, it’s simply the animation cells showing the sketches lying underneath. Now, Disney ended up doing this with an era of films in the 1960s and ‘70s (The Many Adventures of Winne-the-Pooh, Robin Hood, The Jungle Book, the Aristocats all did this), but it’s still a little distracting here. And that’s it. Character design is goddamn amazing, and actually made me want to start drawing a bit. The artistry of the backgrounds and set-pieces is stellar, and the stylized designs of Cartoon Saloon somehow never get old to me! It’s just...amazing. Like I said: the underlying sketch thing really is a nitpick, and I don’t even mind it, personally. It’s honestly good to see the work behind a 2-D animated movie, you know? So, yeah, just the one point.

Music and Editing: 10/10

Bruno Coulais and Kila knock this music out of the park all-around, and I have nothing negative to say about it. I’m not sure which track is going in my playlist, but one of them is. Maybe “Running with the Wolves”, and I’m only a little ashamed to admit that. OK, what about the editing by Richie Cody, Darren Holmes, and Darragh Byrne? I mean...yeah, it’s amazing, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Animated films rarely have poor visual editing (unless they’re REALLY bad), and the sound editing usually takes the hit. However, no such problem here. Again, sound editing is fantastic in this movie, from voice mixing to sound effects to overall balance. It’s all pretty goddamn great. No complaints here.

Yeah, 94%. I mean, of course, right?

Sure, it’s not Ghibli-levels of profound, but it is fantastic all the same. Who cares about profundity, anyway? It’s just a good goddamn movie! And like I said in the beginning, I’ll be watching this again very soon. Beautiful.

But I think it’s time to start wrapping up the animated portion of this month with something closer to home. Now, I’d love to do Disney, and I was actually going to see Raya and the Last Dragon in theaters this week (yeah, really, not kidding), but other stuff got in the way. And I’ve seen all Disney films other than that. So, what’s another fully American studio who’s produced a movie that I somehow haven’t seen? And, that movie has to be fantasy? Well...

March 7, 2021: Onward (2020)

#wolfwalkers #cartoon saloon #tomm moore #honor kneafsey #eva whittaker #Sean Bean #simon mcburney #tommy tiernan #maria doyle kennedy #fantasy march #user365 #365 movie challenge #365 movies 365 days #365 Days 365 Movies #365 movies a year #nyssalance

35 notes · View notes

bladekindeyewear · 3 years

Text

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding. (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship? Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right? We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk. I guess it’s overdue. :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not? So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah. Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well. Low-point. Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move. No Breath huh? What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help. XD She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap. And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh! No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back. He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess. (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh. Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep! Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor. Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME. What is that outfit and pose. Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling. JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD. Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry? Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars? Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something? (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task? And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch. Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was. (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous? I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~ get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit? Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no. Wait. What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!? Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES. God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN! And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise! If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!? And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they?? This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to. FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad. Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is. OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it???? For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing. And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely. :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories. Is it just the Hiveswap device or something? If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline. Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation? What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage! And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction. “ok.” Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility. Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John. ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No? So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck? Calliope SAW all this? Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there? And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already. Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep. Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline. It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck. You’re going to regulate non-canon? “Canonize” it? Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it. Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point. Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention! That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough. Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit. Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska. Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--? Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?! I don’t know. Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there. But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?! Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #spoiler #spoilers #Roxy Lalonde #John Egbert #Calliope

17 notes · View notes

subtlereferencetomyinterests · 4 years

Text

Complexities Unknowable Chapter 3

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23274334/chapters/57175900

Chapter Two link: https://tha-best-url-evar.tumblr.com/post/614327945408987136/complexities-unknowable-chapter-two

MasterPost

Relationships: Established Relationship Dukeceit, eventual intrualiceit, background analogince.

Warnings: Remus says some things (mentions of biblically accurate angels, gore art description), food mention, mild sleep deprivation, cursing. As always everyone is sympathetic. Roast me if I forgot something.

Word Count: 1,851

Remus was, once again, sitting on the counter in the light side kitchen. It was an ungodly early hour of morning, so the Commons were deserted. He was supposed to be waiting for Morality, according to the spiteful little plot Dee had offered him that he hadn’t listened to all that well, but he surmised it meant he was supposed to fuck with a light side, so… Duh. Of course he was in.

Truth be told, three out of four of the self-proclaimed ‘light sides’ hardly bothered him! They were stuffy prudes, sure, but their insults slid off his back like blood off of steel. As long as he was doing his own thing with Deceit alongside him, everything was fine (he was still pointedly ignoring the existence of another Creativity). But looks like what Deceit wanted to do was torment Patton into, like, repenting? Or something? Like he said, he wasn’t listening.

Anyway! Waiting and watching was what he was doing! And doodling, because sitting still was literally impossible in Remus’ experience. Thankfully, he soon saw the paternal trait springing down the stairs. Straightening his back, The Duke put on his best intimidating face (which he thought looked rather silly, but Deceit assured him was very unsettling). He set down his sketchbook and blurred his edges. It didn’t work very well up here, but it was a little trick that they’d all- Virgil included- learned years ago. Honestly, he just used it to get cheap scares every now and then.

Patton strolled into the kitchen, whistling some jaunty tune and holy shit , Remus had figured it was some shtick, but was he just a cartoon character all of the time ? That was- sure, very adorable- but mostly all the more entertaining to scare!

“What’s up, Dilf!?”

Patton shrieked, nearly dropping a mug. With wide, startled eyes, he found the source of the noise. Said source watched the emotional trait force his expression into something amicable, laughing loudly.

“Um- good morning, Remus! I, uh, didn’t see you there.”

“That was the point, MoMo,” Remus replied, dragging his claws screechingly down the side of a cabinet; Patton winced at the sound.

“Can I help you with anything?” Read: Why are you still here? Sometimes Remus wondered if he was too good at his job!

“Nope! Just enjoying the atmosphere, sketching, terrorizing…” He flipped onto his back, throwing his arm out and presenting his open notebook.

“You draw?” Patton seemed weirdly happy about that fact, managing a more natural smile. Seemed he thought he’d found something to work with, but that was likely to change.

“Of course I do, I am Creativity, after all! Here .” He handed over the sketchbook with a Cheshire smile. The creative trait had ensured it was flipped open to a detailed depiction of a being composed of several flaming rings, all of which absolutely covered with bloodshot eyes. It had an indiscernible amount of wings that could only be counted as ‘too many’. In the center of the rings was a swirling black void (a type of ink that took Remus weeks to conjure properly, thank you very much).

He watched carefully as Patton studied the image, looking bemused.

“It’s an angel!”

That seemed to only confuse the moral side more, making him tilt his head to a few different angles to look at the drawing. But he still didn’t seem upset by it, oddly enough.

“It certainly is an interesting interpretation,” He responded at last, “and all of these little lines must have taken you forever, that’s so impressive!”

Truth be told, they had taken a while, and Remus was very happy that the effort had been noticed- but that wasn’t the point!

“That’s nothing,” he took the sketchbook back from Patton and flipped through more pages. Aha! This would fuck him up, for sure! A full-color illustration of someone hung up on a meat hook, rib cage pried open like a spike trap to reveal very painstakingly rendered organs. He was actually quite proud of this one.

The only response that Patton gave, however, was a slight wrinkling of his nose when he first saw it, followed by more quiet observation.

“What do you think?” Remus prompted, watching as Patton set the drawing back down on the counter and began to assemble things for breakfast, seemingly unaffected.

“I wish I could draw that well, but I’m still not super good at it,” he said admiringly.

“I had to crack open my own ribs to make sure it was accurate, you know!”

Morality yelped at that one- score one for Remus! Finally!

“You wanna see my re-imaginings of my favorite Final Destination deaths? I’ve painted some with real- well, conjured- but real enough blood!”

But Patton didn’t even flinch this time; he looked more determined even!

“Art is a healthy outlet for expressing yourself,” he was almost certainly parroting Logan there, and he even seemed to believe the statement. Perhaps Remus would have to be a little more creative to get more reactions.

. “I agree! I didn’t expect you to have such an open-minded point of view. I’ll be sure you’re the first side to know when I make my next amateur taxidermy sculpture! Emphasis on the amateur!”

“Great!” Patton practically shouted, very stubbornly staring at the stove.

Before Remus had the chance to continue, the distinct sounds of Logan and Roman arguing their way downstairs met his ears, and he cut himself off. That was enough for one day, he decided. And anyhow, he looked forward to trying new ways to bother Patton next morning.

Deceit rose into the shadows of the Light Side commons with a smirk. It was an awful hour of the night, which was part of the plan. Not only was Patton the first awake in the morning, he was also often the last to sleep. Deceit supposed that Logan was looking after Roman and Virgil’s sleep schedules nowadays, which made it much easier to catch the artificial patriarch alone. That isn’t to imply that Dee had been tracking their schedules or anything, but the overwhelming lie that Morality surrounded himself with made him easy to track- especially in the night, when he had to pretend even harder that he was fine without the presence of his little family. Deceit entertained the idea that he should feel bad for the side, and maybe he did somewhere deep down. Deep, deep down. No, further than that.

Regardless of any such feelings, he was here to mess with Patton. Still unnoticed, he watched quietly as his target scrolled through Netflix, illuminated only by the dim glow of the television. The side looked so tired that he could’ve passed as a corpse, but gave a tiny smile after finally selecting whatever it was he was going to watch.

Wait. Wait. He was watching that ?

Deceit stared at the unmistakable green text that was the intro to The Good Place playing across the screen. If there was one thing he was expecting Patton to watch (Cartoons? Friends reruns? Slime videos?), it wasn't his own favorite show.

“Hm.” Deceit hummed.

In response, Patton shrieked and fell halfway off the couch. His head darted around until he finally spotted Deceit, who had slid down to sit on the sofa as well.

“Oh- um- good evening, Deceit! Wow, today is just full of surprises!”

“ Surely you won’t mind if I join you? This is one of my favorite shows, after all.”

Patton fixed his position so that he was no longer partially on the floor and looked the snake up and down. He paused the episode.

“ Really ?”

“Really,” and then, after some trepidation, “Honestly.”

Suddenly, Patton lit up dramatically, a happy smile stretching across his face. Fuck, wrong direction, Deceit wasn’t supposed to be cheering him up!

“I’m surprised that someone like you would like it,” Deceit continued hastily. Patton’s smile fell a little and he tipped his head in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean ,” He lounged back against the couch, “I didn’t think you’d approve of a show where all of the characters are such bad people .”

“What?! The whole point is that they aren’t bad!” Good, Back on track .

“Oh? Then what are they? Last I checked, the main character was very selfish .”

“I- okay, I see what you’re trying to do,” Patton turned to face Deceit entirely, “But they’re- they also-”

“Also what ?” Deceit was also sitting sideways on the couch now, his eyes glinting. He was certain that he’d talked the trait into a corner, which was why he was so utterly unprepared for Patton’s response.

“It’s, like, they all start off not great, but that’s because they were all set up for failure before the afterlife! They had it hard before dying, but when they were finally given the chance to actually get better, then they got better! They aren’t perfect , but they care about each other! And I think it really shows that sometimes, somebody can be wrong over and over and over again, but that doesn’t mean that they’re hopeless, or that they’re a bad friend, or…” He trailed off, looking down at his lap and blinking very quickly. “Or that they’re a bad person.”

Suddenly, Deceit wasn’t that sure that he wanted to see Patton upset anymore.

After a very uncomfortable silence that lasted far too long for his liking, the scaled side realized that he should probably be the one to say something.

“That’s… a very in depth analysis, Morality. I’m inclined to agree with you.”

“Thanks,” Patton replied. When he looked up, his eyes held an odd recognition. It was a look that no Light Side had ever given Deceit, but they gave it to each other plenty of times. The side in question wasn’t sure if he liked it, but he sure knew that he was uncomfortable.

“So… The show…” He prompted.

“Oh, right!”

Patton pressed play.

Deceit had planned on doing some more provoking of Patton as they watched, but he found himself rather caught up in the program. The conversation he did end up making with the other incidentally slipped into chatting about their shared views on the show. It was almost nice. Maybe. Whatever.

After a few episodes, Deceit elected to return home for the night. As he was sinking out, he heard a sleepy voice bidding him farewell.

“G’night, Kiddo.”

He popped up in his bedroom after that, eyes quickly landing on a half-asleep Remus half-watching Saw 4 . The lights were dimmed to a glow, and the TV’s volume was so low that it might have been inaudible to anyone other than the more animalistic sides.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me,” Deceit murmured warmly, sitting beside his fellow Dark side. The trait yawned and rubbed his eyes, instinctively leaning into him.

“Wanted to,” he responded, voice groggy, “How’d it go?”

Deceit snapped his fingers to change into sleep clothes, reaching across Remus to flick off the lamp. As he settled in to semi-watch the movie, fingers automatically moving to card through his partner’s hair, he carefully considered the question.

“Fucking. Weird.”

Chapter 4

Tags: @deceits-left-glove @princemesscharming

60 notes · View notes

obviouslyelementary · 4 years

Text

My dumb of ass thoughts about the new episode!

Oh boy here... here we go this is gonna be a journey because this is straight out of my little grabby arms and I am not proofreading this oh boy.

Okay first lets get it out of the way, Janus = perfection, best name, Roman god of starts and endings or whatever, amazing, keep it up. Second, SNEK BOY! HES A GOOD SNEK BOY!

Now seriousness because oh shit a lot to unpack.

First as a lover of video games myself I absolutely LOVED the way this episode was constructed. I thought I wasn’t going to like it too much since I was not a fan of cartoon or puppets episodes bUT I did love this one, which just goes to show that when the media is what you love, you just... love it. I was amazed at how they did all of that, the editing, the pixalated art, everything was adorable and so nice! The only issue was that I was not able to read Logan’s bubbles during the conversations because I wanted to pay attention to what they were saying, but nothing a rewatch won’t fix!

Now the characters and the story line, oh boy so much. So much.

First I was glad to see this new change of pace. Not having all the sides in the video was a big plus, specially having Virgil sit one out because ugh honestly? Sometimes he tires me. Having Patton and Roman have a close conversation without the others just interrupting was a nice change of pace, I really enjoy episodes focused on two or three sides, and of course I called Janus’ appearance mainly because of the episode’s theme buut I couldn’t not love how he defended Thomas against Roman and Frog Patton that was adorable.

Now about Patton, he confused me a lot in the episode. Not in a moral or emotional way, I was just very confused. I’m a very logical person myself so listening to Logan is usually how I get my bearings in episodes like this and having him sit this one out was intellectually hard for me, BUT I think that was what Thomas and Joan were going for so that’s all bueno! In the end the moral was obvious, nice and concise as usual and I was able to catch on the dillema.

And sure, I did think patton was a little bit too much. I was aware that he saw things black and white but I didn’t know how deep that could go, and fuck if I didn’t find myself disagreeing with him like 90% of the episode holy fuck. And I was just as confused as Roman, and our visions pretty much lined up always. But then came Janus and oh, he stole the whole stage oh boy.

Janus not only was shown as such an intelligent character, but we finally got to know a bit more of his perosnality. For long I had thought he was the one that took care of Thomas’ self care and I was not disappointed to find out I was correct! He is in fact the one that takes care of Thomas’ mental health, even if Thomas himself finds that to be ‘selfish’. Patton was clearly taking things too far and I don’t think anyone else would be able to settle him down.

But Roman, oh baby, he honestly didn’t have to go so hard. He is so upset and I feel bad for him, but Janus was right! The whole episode he acted like a ‘good remus’ and honestly, he didn’t have to laugh or act so rudely. Janus did the least wrong to him, even if that ended up being for the worst because he still sacrificed the callback, but that was his choice and not Janus’. And Janus was always by his side, even until the end of the episode when he complimented him, so Roman (despite not ever deserving to be sad because he is my baby) kinda deserved what he got from Janus.

Now Patton and Thomas could have tried to help but I mean, sometimes you need a little push.

Anyway I conclude that this episode was awesome and I’m gonna rewatch it time and time again after I’m done with college work. Toodles!

@thatsthat24 and his friends (because I don’t know Joan’s tumblr omg) thank you so much for this episode!

#sanders sides #sanders sides spoilers #cris rants

6 notes · View notes

thankskenpenders · 5 years

Text

So there’s this little cartoon you may have heard of...

As I’ve said on this blog before, I’d never watched all of SatAM. This might be shocking to hear from someone who runs a blog dedicated to Archie Sonic and one of the top twenty Bunnie Rabbot fangirls in the world. But it’s true.

SatAM was very difficult to track down compared to other Sonic cartoons when I was a kid, and I just never got around to watching it as an adult. So for the longest time, I had only ever seen the first episode, which I found uploaded in parts on YouTube in 2007. As the one cartoon featuring the characters I liked from the comics, it became sort of this holy grail of Sonic media for me as a kid, especially with people online always talking it up as the best thing ever and petitioning for a revival. Hell, to this day, a lot of people hold it up as this masterpiece and act like the Archie comics were a complete mockery of it

Anyway so I finally got around to watching the whole series with my boyfriend these past couple weeks, and it was pretty good. So instead of covering a comic today, here are some thoughts on the cartoon that started it all

General Thoughts

SatAM is a pretty good show. It isn’t the greatest piece of Sonic media ever, unlike what some older fans will tell you. It might not even be the best Sonic cartoon (you could easily make a case for the Japanese version of Sonic X, or Sonic Boom if you’re looking for something more comedic). It hasn’t aged the most gracefully, in some ways. The animation’s cheap, the stories sometimes bland. But for a DiC-produced video game cartoon from the early ‘90s, it’s really solid

I think that in many ways, SatAM is carried by the strength of its ideas over its actual execution. The darker, more serious tone is a really cool idea, even if at times it can get a little dull, and even if the show actually gets silly as hell pretty often. (This is a show where Snively literally tortures a captive Antoine by preparing French cuisine improperly.) That opening scene of Robotropolis in the first episode actually sets the mood really well and feels like it came straight out of some cyberpunk anime from the ‘80s or ‘90s. The concept of Robotnik turning people into robot slaves is really cool, even if surprisingly little was done with this aside from Uncle Chuck’s storyline. And I think the Freedom Fighters make a great supporting cast for Sonic, even if the writers didn’t use them to their full potential

Interestingly, I’d often heard from fans that season one was the stronger of the two, when I’d say that the opposite is true. Season one episodes were pretty samey, usually involving low stakes missions to Robotropolis with no real continuity, and Sally ended up being a damsel in distress more than I’d like--hell, so did Bunnie in a few episodes. It wasn’t bad, but it was highly repetitive, and I got a little bored at times. Season two had a few real stinkers (the Antoine episodes) and Dulcy was an unwelcome addition, but I thought the heavier focus on continuity gave the season some real momentum and more emotional weight, which made it way more enjoyable overall

Things I Liked

Sonic. I quite liked this version of Sonic, actually! Jaleel White is a great Sonic, and he was written pretty well. At times the extremely tubular ‘90s lingo was grating (I never wanna hear “Gotta juice!” again), but I was surprised to see that this version of Sonic had a lot of heart. He really cared about the well-being of his friends and Uncle Chuck, and they even let him cry a couple times. I thought they struck a good balance between snark and sincerity with him

Sally. I don’t think SatAM Sally was perfect, but I liked her. I’m still of the opinion that she should have been given more ways to defend herself physically (maybe some kind of power of her own) so that Sonic didn’t have to save her as much, but I liked the banter she and Sonic had. Unlike the early Archie comics, Sally doesn’t come off as the bossy girlfriend who ruins Sonic’s fun. Maybe it’s Jaleel White and Kath Soucie’s performances doing most of the work, but they had a fun back and forth dynamic, with Sally’s sarcasm keeping Sonic’s ego in check, but there still being clear chemistry between the two of them

I also liked the greatly reduced emphasis on her being a princess compared to much of Archie’s material. Like yeah, it’s there. Her dad’s the king, and left her some classified info via Nicole. But her status doesn’t really affect things much. They don’t talk about her having this grand destiny and being the next in line to rule. It’s clear that she’s in charge of the Freedom Fighters not because of her status, but because she’s smart, brave, and gets shit done. That’s the Sally I like.

Plus! In the finale, Sally insisted upon going with Sonic for the final confrontation, and was a crucial part of the climax. Her powering up with Sonic and matching his speed and strength ruled. Compare that to the climactic defeat of Robotnik in Archie, where she was fucking dead

Robotnik. I don’t think much needs to be said here. Jim Cummings rules as Robotnik, like everyone has always said. He’s just so evil and so much fun to watch

Snively??? I’ve never cared for Snively as a character, but Charlie Adler rules and his over-the-top performance made the character way funnier than he should’ve been. Just something about all the little noises he makes, and the way he almost shifts into the Red Guy voice at times

Nicole. It was fun to see Nicole start to get more of a personality in season two, having some banter with Sonic and also picking up some slang from him. It makes the later decision to turn Sally’s computer into a full character (which would have happened in season three, and obviously eventually became a big subplot in the comics) make a lot of sense

King Acorn. While he was only around briefly, I liked that he wasn’t a huge dick, unlike Archie’s King Max

Things I Didn’t Like

The misuse of the other Freedom Fighters. This is, by far, the show’s greatest crime.

I already write approximately 100k words a week on this blog about how I think Bunnie Rabbot is amazing and criminally underused, so I’ll keep this brief, but I was shocked to see how little she was used in this show. People tend to say Dulcy stole her screentime in season two, but she didn’t have much to do in the first season either! We somehow never got a single episode focusing on her. The one where she got temporarily deroboticized focused much more on Uncle Chuck. We never got to learn the story behind her roboticization, or delved into her feelings on the matter much. She mostly just served as a positive, lighthearted supporting member of the team who acts cute and gets some funny lines, but usually stays home

Antoine might have been even worse, honestly. Like, they used him so much! They had multiple episodes focusing entirely on him! And yet I’m not sure he ever really helped. Sonic and Sally kept taking him along, but every single time it felt like it would’ve been a wiser decision to bring Bunnie instead. The jokes about his broken English were just dumb, and god, the way he constantly hits on Sally and starts kissing her hand at the most inappropriate times is just SO fucking creepy. SatAM Antoine is just a horrible, one-dimensional stereotype. There’s a reason why readers of the Archie comics wanted him out of the series until later writers majorly rehabilitated him

Rotor also didn’t get much use, which was a shame, but it at least felt like he was used efficiently. I got the vibe that Rotor was much more bitter about the war with Robotnik than his friends, and it would’ve been interesting to see this explored more. At least we got that one fun episode where he went to space with Sonic

Dulcy. Oh my fucking god. I wanted to like Dulcy! I really did! But most of the time she was just a clutz used for comic relief, and they kept reusing the same joke where she crashed, bumped her head, got dizzy, and thought she was talking to her mom. This happened in almost every episode she was in.

The other miscellaneous Freedom Fighters. Like in the early Archie comics, none of the other miscellaneous Mobians they meet were as interesting as the core cast. They just always felt very bland and I was never as invested in them as the writers wanted me to be. Ari was boring, and that episode where they found the underground city and this other dude started hitting on Sally was a drag. Lupe’s cute though

Rings. This is a common problem in Sonic adaptations, but the fact that rings always serve as Sonic’s instant win button kind of sucks. Basically any time Sonic’s in a pinch, he pulls a ring out of his backpack, powers up, and wins. Not exactly a recipe for suspenseful action

Oh, also, I did kinda find it weird how much Sonic and Sally kissed? Like, all the time? Often while their friends just stand there and stare at them? Not something I’d expect from a Sonic cartoon

Things Archie Did Better

I’ll limit this to the first 50 issues or so, since I don’t think it would be fair to compare two short seasons of SatAM to the highlights of nearly 500 issues of comics

Tails. Tails is okay in SatAM, Archie just used him as Sonic’s sidekick way more. He was barely even in the show. Poor little guy only gets to play dirt hockey all day

Bunnie. Again, Bunnie was underutilized in both series, but the Archie comics did her better. They actually showed the story of how she got roboticized (even if it was a silly story), and they got to flesh her out a bit more. Gallagher showing that she was a carrot farmer before her roboticization and saying she wanted to be a hairdresser was at least something. And as I keep harping on, Rich Koslowski’s backup story in #37 where we find out Bunnie has recurring nightmares about her robot parts taking over and making her a threat to her friends? This single backup story did more to flesh her out than all 26 episodes of SatAM combined

Antoine. Not hard to do better than SatAM here, really. He was really bad early on, serving as little more than Sonic’s punching bag, but eventually they started to set up a romance between him and Bunnie and explored his past a bit, saying that Antoine’s father (his personal role model) was a member of the royal guard who was roboticized in the war. While he still had a long way to go, these were important first steps towards him being a decent character. Hell, these days, being Bunnie’s love interest is one of Antoine’s defining characteristics! And it doesn’t come from the cartoon at all

Roboticization in general. I was surprised how little this came up in the cartoon! In the comics, it’s such a central element. We see more of the heroes’ loved ones turned into robots, and we even got some fun stories where characters like Sonic and Sally were roboticized temporarily. The Freedom Fighters’ efforts to reverse the process was a major part of the plot for quite a while. Bunnie’s fear of losing control is a pretty important part of her character (even if it was only touched on briefly), and after they’re rescued, the rest of the Mobians fear that the “Robians” (including Sonic’s entire family) will turn evil again. It comes up a lot! There are interesting things to discuss here! But SatAM only really talks about Uncle Chuck. We never even see what happened to everyone else

Closing Thoughts

SatAM is not the best show in the world, but it is a solid and enjoyable one. It’s easy to see why people who grew up with it are fond of it, even if I think that it’s long past time certain fans quit acting like it’s the only valid take on the Sonic source material and petitioning for a third season. At the very least, the concepts and characters introduced here are strong ones, and it’s easy to see how they spawned over 20 years of comics exploring said ideas in greater detail. While I’m not sure I could recommend it to non-fans, I think it’s definitely worth checking out for Sonic fans who missed out on it (especially fans of the Archie comics)

Anyway I got to see Bunnie dropkick some Swatbots twice her height so I had fun

#tkp post #other media

186 notes · View notes

jungshookz · 6 years

Text

android!yoongi

→ pairing: min yoongi x reader

→ genre: android!au becauSe for some reason android aus are popping up everywhere, the usual heaping serving of fluff and comedy, N S F W like reALLY nsfw i poPPED OFF this time i don’t know even know what happened,,, forgive me god for i have sinned, a n g s t, i definitely teared up a little writing this because i was listening to kim bum soo’s i miss you and it made me 100x more emo

→ trigger warnings: this does get a little intense! beware!!

→ wordcount: 24k like that bruno mars song

→ note: um,,,,, this is literally 24k+ words i don’t even know what to say,,, how did i write so much without realising???? but ya a lot of android aus have been popping up on my dashboard and i’m seeing a lot of android!jungkook but i feLt like android!yoongi was more fitting?? aLso thank u so much for the love n support for ceo!yoongi i 100% was not expecting it to get as many likes and reblogs as it did so you guys are truly the best!!!!!!!! anyways i had a loT of fun writing this and i hope u guys like android!yoongi as much as i do :-)))

pst if u wanna talk to android yoongs u know what to do ;-)

(gif isn’t mine!) ((i had such a hard time choosing a gif because he looks so boyfriend-y in all of them but i ended up going with this one because at one point in the fic he feeds u with chopsticks))

(((and the read more function iS there but most of the time it doesn’t work on mobile :// i am sorry don’t attack me by sending passive-aggressive anon messages)))

“oh, absolutely fucking not.”

“y/n, please.”

“no.”

“pLEASE”

“namjoon, no!!!!” you slam your fork down on the table and clear your throat when you get a couple glances from other customers near you

“c’mon, why not???”

“i have a life!! i’m not going to babysit a robot-“

“it’s a humanoid android. actually the professional term for it is a human mind model adaptive super android.”

“right, i’m not going to babysit a roBOT for you because you wanna see if you can make a profit selling weird robot slaves.”

“they’re not weird! and i’ve been working on them for a long time - since the beginning of freshmen year! we finally have a prototype and i thought you’d be the perfect human for Y00NGI.”

“don’t give it a name, you’re humanising it. and what kind of a name is Y00NGI, anyways??”

“it’s supposed to be a take on you and i. get it??”

“that’s terrible and i hate that with my entire soul. i just don’t get why i have to take care of it. can’t you get jin to take care of it? he’s like 100x more responsible than i am.”

“y/n, the purpose of this robot is to be like… a helper. jin doesn’t need any help with anything. you on the other hand….. i know you hate it when i say this but you’ve kind of…. you’ve been a mess since your breakup with kihyun and i just thought it’d be good for you to have Y00NGI around to help out!! someone to pick up your takeaway boxes and someone to wake you up so you get to work on damn time for once and aLso someone to force you out of the house because of how socially awkward you-“

“i’m not socially awk- why didn’t you name it Y00NI instead? that’s more like you and i than Y00NGI.”

you’re like hiGHKEY offended that namjoon thinks you’re unable to take care of yourself and that you’re socially awkward like you can make a REALLY good grilled cheese sandwich and you’re like okay-ish at interacting with other people your age

sure one time you accidentally threw in a red sock into the whites and all your sheets turned pink but that doesn’t mean you can’t freaking take care of yourself

and pink sheets are totally trendy right now

okay about kihyun

first things first you’ve been a single lady for a couple months now

yes you admit that you kind of turned into a liTTle bit of a hot mess after kihyun broke up with you

to be fair he was the one who always cooked and cleaned and made you interact with his friends

but you always tried your best to make meals for him and you always had a smile on your face whenever the two of you hung out with hIS friends - he ended the relationship because he felt like you were holding him back

you don’t like to get into it

but you’re better now!!!!!!

you sort of know the basics of the washing machine and you can also make pretty good spaghetti so sUCK on that kihyun

plus you just liked staying home rather than going out to party but that didn’t make u socially awkward

“look, it was a creative decision on my part, alright? i don’t see what the big deal is.”

“you know how i feel about technology, joon. i got freaked out when you asked your alexa thing to tell you a joke and she not only told you a horrible joke but also had a very demon-y laugh.”

“you know... jungkook thinks Y00NGI is pretty cool.”

you perk up at the mere mention of jungkook

long story short you have the FATTEST crush on jungkook and you would honestly probably kill someone for him

after your nasty breakup with kihyun he always found ways to cheer you up

you work at the library at bangtan laboratories and jungkook always brought you lunch and snacks and came up to tell you stories and keep you company

so it wasn’t a huge surprise when one day you felt your heart flutter when he smiled at you in his adorable bunny way

namjoon’s the only one who knows considering he’s ur best friend but now he’s just using it against you

“so jungkook should take care of it.”

“he lives with jimin - he doesn’t need a helper. i’m sure he’d visit your place a LOT if you took Y00NGI in.” namjoon smirks to himself and takes a sip of his coffee when he notices your change in expression

okay well

taking care of an android-humanoid-thing wouldn’t be too bad

it’s only for a couple of months so that namjoon can see if his creation actually works

you won’t have to cook for yourself or clean for yourself

and jungkook might pop over more often as namjoon said

“well- fine. only because i’m… a good person and a good friend. that’s the only reason why i’m helping you out.”

namjoon’s like loL okay ya sure

the rest of lunch goes by and namjoon’s just excited that he’ll finally be able to see if his android will actually work

a week goes by and you get daily texts from namjoon telling you Y00NGI is almost ready for you and you hATE that because it sounds like he’s sending Y00NGI to assassinate you

like literally one of the texts you got was just

’soon.’

and you wanted to murder namjoon because it freaked you out so much

it’s sunday morning and you’re enjoying a nice bowl of cinnamon toast crunch while watching cartoons when you hear your doorbell

you wipe the sprinkles of sugar off your mouth as you rush to the door and

holy shit

“i’ve got a package here for miss y/l/n?”

you’re tempted to tell the mailman that miss y/l/n lives somewhere else because jeSUS this is a HUGE box

“that’s, uh, that’s me i guess”

he hands you a clipboard and you sign off on it and he wheels the damn thing into the middle of your living room and then is just like peace out

so now you’re standing in the middle of your living room with this big ass cardboard box

the first thing you do is call namjoon

“hello?” his voice is groggy which indicates he was still asleep

“why didn’t you tell me this box was so big!! how big is this thing!!!”

“he’s not a thing, don’t be rude. he’s a little taller than you and a little shorter than me. the box is big because i put like a bunch of packaging peanuts and styrofoam in so he wouldn’t be damaged when he arrived!!! he’s not cheap you know!!!!!!!”

“i thought he was made out of like metal”

“he’s not a tin man, y/n. his outer layer is made out of this synthetic silicon so he feels exacTLY like a human and i wanted to get him to you without a single scratch”

that is… sO FREAKY R U KIDDING ME

you don’t really want to open this package

what if it tries to kill you

“anyways you’ll have to charge him up for a little while because i didn’t recharge him before i packaged him up.”

“do i plug him in like a phone??? where do i even- omg do i plug the thing up his butt or somethi-“

“he’s in a charging pod right now. that’s another reason why the package is so big. you just have to plug the pod into the wall it’s not that hard.”

“namjoon i can’t moVE this thing alone-“

“omg you’re so whiney okay fine i’m coming over” namjoon hangs up on you and ur like the auDAcity of this man

while you wait for namjoon you get a box cutter and slice the sides of the box open

the sides of the box plop down onto the ground and your whole floor is littered in package peanuts and you see-

well it kinda looks like a fridge

but like a ~futuristic~ fridge

and on the front of the door you see Y 0 0 N G I

you see a little symbol blinking underneath his name

it’s an empty battery symbol and it’s bright red telling u that he’s out of juice

phEW

that means he won’t be able to murder you anytime soon

you kind of want to open the door and see what this Y00NGI thing looks like but you’re scared

god why did you agree to do this

so now instead of watching cartoons you’re shovelling cereal into your mouth and keeping an eye on the charging booth to make sure nothing suspicious happens

about 15 minutes go by and you’re so relieved when namjoon walks in and the other boys are trailing behind him and he’s like ur lucky i love u i would rather be asleep

and you’re like yOU’re lucky i love yOU otherwise i would never have agreed to this

namjoon: i’m also lucky you love jung-

you: ….juST help me move this stupid thing hHAAHhaa

you greet the other boys good morning

and you’re especially sweet to jungkook

he’s like :) hi y/n!!! i hope u slept well

he’s so cuTE you want to RIP OUT YOUR HEART and give it to him

ahem

namjoon wants to leave Y00NGI in your living room but there’s no way in hell you’re going to leave it here

what if you wanna get water in the middle of the night but then you have this pill-shaped fridge just blocking your path

“move it into the spare bedroom - if it freaks me out i’ll just lock it in.”

“it’s a HE y/n respect him!!!!” taehyung smacks your arm and nudges you aside so that he can help namjoon move the pod “jin-hyung and i spent a long time designing his face and his body so you better not do anything to fuck it up”

you kinda feel bad that you’re not helping the boys move the pod because it looks pretty heavy and all their faces are going red

but they think you’re a klutz and you’ll drop it on the way to the bedroom and chip something so they were all like nO you can’t help us please just sit down and don’t move

it takes the six of them ten minutes to move it into the guest bedroom down the hall and you’re sweating on their behalf and you’re like wOO that was tough good job guys while you’re just lounging on the couch and they’re all glaring at you lmao

“i plugged the pod into the wall for you - i’ll pay your electricity bills, so don’t worry about that. he takes up a lot of power.” namjoon mentions and gives you a sheepish smile when you’re like excuse mE whaT

“how long does he take to charge?”

“depends on how much battery he has. he’ll be ready by tonight since he’s completely outta battery” namjoon shrugs and plops down next to you

“i programmed him especially for you he knows like everYthing there is to know about you”

“…how much does he know”

“which hospital you were born at what your favourite food is what time you wake up what time you go to sleep what your favourite shampoo is what your mother’s maiden name is what your-“

“okAY i get it”

it’s safe to say that you are very much freaked out

as much as you like jungkook you’re not sure if this is even worth it anymore

this hunk of metal charging up in your room knows you better than you know yourself

it’s just eery because it…. well it’s a robot

you could peel its face back and you’d just see a freaky metal skeleton

you shudder to yourself but you’re like u know what we already went over the benefits of having this helper robot here so it’ll be fine

“you have to bring him to the lab every two weeks so i can check on his diagnostics and see if anything needs tweaking”

“…do i need to carry him and his pod there”

“nah the two of you can just walk over”

it’s still weird that they’re referring to the robot as if it was an actual human being rather than a machine but whatever you’ll get used to it

the lab is like a ten minute walk away from your place so it’s fine

you live in this pretty nice neighbourhood anD your apartment is pretty big anD you’re close to the lab so you can see why namjoon chose your place

“also you’ll have to wear this 24/7.” jungkook appears out of nowhere and takes your hand and you’re like omG his hands are so soft but then he’s clipping this bracelet around your wrist and you’re like wat

it looks like it’s made out of glass and you can see all the different coloured wires inside

and there’s a little Y00NGI etched on it

your eyes widen in surprise when the Y00NGI suddenly lights up and the bracelet gives you a little zap

“ah, there we go”

“ow! what the-“ you try to shake it off but you can’t

it’s like

attached to you somehow

it’s snug around your wrist

not snug enough to be considered uncomfortable but snug enough to make you aware of its presence

“it’s so Y00NGI can keep track of where you are and also if you’re ever sick he’ll be able to know your temperature and nurse you back to health”

“can i not take this thing off??”

“well… you can,,, with this key” he holds up a key and puts it back into his pocket “buT you lose things really easily and this bracelet is very very very expensive so nO you are not allowed to take this thing off”

“but-“

“it’s waterproof and sweatproof and everything in between so you’ll be fine!!” jungkook flashes you a sweet smile and you’re like okAy i’ll keep it on because u said so

“okay let me tell you a little bit about Y00NGI before we head off”

“aren’t you going to stay here until he wakes up??”

“that’ll take too long and we’re working on some more prototypes at the lab”

namjoon and the boys plop down on your couch and you sit opposite to them on your sofa chair

“as i mentioned before, Y00NGI is a human mind model adaptive super android”

“i know what each of those words mean but i don’t know what they mean when you put them all together like that”

“basically he’s programmed to learn things and grow smarter - so i don’t want you being a bad influence on- well, actually, he has more common sense than you do so i guess i don’t have to worry about that”

gasp

namjoon is so lucky you adore him otherwise he wouldn’t be getting away with all these snarky dIGS

“he knows the basic emotions like happy and sad and angry or whatever but the more time he spends with you the more emotions he’ll pick up-“

“i just hope he doesn’t become as dramatic as you”

“oh says yoU” you scowl at jin but now you’re wondering how the heck a robot can even feEL things in the first place

“so if i pinched him would he feel it?”

“of course he’d feel it”

“so he hurts too?”

“….why does this sound mildly threatening”

“nO i’m just curious i’m not going to hurt your robot friend”

namjoon wants to scream Y00NGI IS NOT JUST A ROBOT HE’S A HUMAN MIND MODEL-

“looK we’ve been working on Y00NGI for a long time and even though he’s built to withstand pretty much anything i still want you to be careful with him”

obviously you’ll be careful with him you’re not a monster

“you don’t have to feed him. of course he’s designed to ingest human food but like,, it won’t do anything for him lol he also doesn’t need to use the washroom either!!” while namjoon’s talking to you he unlocks your phone and plugs it into his laptop

“hey!!!!! what do you think you’re doing” you reach forward and namjoon smacks your hand away

“i’m installing Y00NGI’s app on your phone. i’m sorry it’s not available on the app store for you to download” he snorts and his fingers fly over the keyboard before he hits enter and you see a brand new app pop up on your home screen

“what’s the purpose of this app? it better not be like that app you downloaded on my phone last time that gave you full access to my texts-“

“i already told you i only did it because you were mad at me and i diDN’T know why and you weren’t talking to me so i really didn’t have a choice loOK the point is this isn’t another hacking app you’re fine”

“okay so tell me what it does”

“it monitors Y00NGI’s battery levels, Y00NGI can even send you a message on here if he wants!! also if there’s like a loose wire somewhere the app will show you where it is on his body and where you’re supposed to plug it back in”

namjoon spends a little more time telling you about Y00NGI and you’re still kind of freaked out but at the end of the day you’re proud of joon and the boys for inventing this human computer… android adaptor charger… robot.. man (is that what it’s called?? u already forgot)

“well we’ll be on our way now!! text me when Y00NGI wakes up” namjoon gives you a quick hug and the other boys are saying goodbye before you know it

you spend the rest of the day tidying up a little and doing some chores

for some reason you feel like you need to impress this hunk of metal that’s going to be living with you for the next eight months

you’re intimidated to go into his room and check if he’s fully charged so you can finally turn him on

so you promise yourself you’ll turn him on after dinner (which is pizza!!!!!!!)

you’re nibbling on your fourth slice of pizza and you pop the rest of the crust into your mouth and c r o n c h thoughtfully

and then your phone buzzes next to you

Notification: Y00NGI APP - BATTERY FULLY CHARGED.

ok cool

no need to be nervous

after all yoU are the one in control here

you are de captain of this ship

yoongi’s YOUR helper

you dust your hands off and stand up and head towards yoongi’s room

the door opens with a creak and you quickly turn the lights on

you end up staring at the yoongi refrigerator for like one whole minute but you shake your nerves off

it’s now or neVer

you don’t know why but you glance over your shoulder for some reason before you open up the pod door and

holy moly

taehyung and jin really put a lot of effort into designing Y00NGI’s face because he is literally the prettiest boy you think you’ve ever seen and you’re friends with jin and jimin and jungkook etc

a phrase to describe this face: boyfriend material

you’re kind of squatting down because his head is bent over since he’s standing upright and then your thighs start to burn from standing like this just staring up at Y00NGI so you cup his face and hold it up

you’re close enough to see each individual pore on his face

he has soft black tousled hair and it kind of shines in the light of the guest bedroom

his lashes cast a shadow over his cheeks

his lips are so cute

he even has a couple ear piercings

namjoon was right he does feel exactly like a human

you’re kind of having fun just squishing his face and washing his lips purse and unpurse because ??? he’s very VERY lifelike it’s almost concerning

they really went all out when they were designing Y00NGI

you can already tell that these BTS2500 androids are going to be popular when namjoon releases them if they’re as pretty as Y00NGI

“alright yoongi let’s see how to turn you on… oh yEs” you remember namjoon showing you where Y00NGI’s power button is

you wrap a hand around the back of his neck and blindly feel around for the button that should be on the nape of his-

you jump when Y00NGI powers up immediately as you hit the button

you take a step back and you see that he’s definitely awake but it looks like he’s still warming up a little because you can see his pupils dilating and constricting rapidly

and then he blinks once and his eyes settle on you

“Hello. I am Y00NGI. M1N Y00NGI.”

his eyes scan over your entire figure

“You are Y/N Y/L/N.”

“…ya that’s me” you’re still kind of shook because you don’t… really know what to DO “do you… do you wanna stay in your pod or should i…”

how do you even talk to a robot???

you gesture to the wire that’s plugged into the nape of his neck underneath his power button which you’re assuming is his charging cord

“you got enough juice in you?? my app tells me you’re at 99.9% but i can let you chill here until it-”

“I would like to inspect my surroundings.” you nod and reach forward and gently yank the cord out and you’re like :00000 when you see a flap of skin suddenly cover up the charging port and now it looks like a normal neck

yoongi steps out and then his pupils suddenly light up and there’s like a hologram of a blueprint that beams out of his eyes

“Scan complete. Location secure.” and then he’s walking out of the room and you’re not sure if you should turn the pod off to save battery or

“waiT yoongi where are you goi-“ you can’t even finish your question because he’s already going down your hallway to the living room

he’s standing there just staring at the TV so you move past him to sit on the couch

you don’t know where to go from here so you decide to continue eating your dinner

“Pizza is unhealthy.”

“but it’s good.”

you’re about to offer him a slice when he speaks up again

“One pepperoni pizza is approximately 2269 calories. Total fat: 83 grams. Total saturated fat: 38 grams. Cholesterol: 145 mg. Sodium: 5100.9 mg. Sugars: 31g.” yoongi starts naming off all the nutritional value facts of pizza while staring right at you and you’re like omg sTOP I GET IT

“Are you still hungry?”

“not really i mean i already had four slices so”

“Good.”

yoongi bends down and picks up the pizza box and proceeds to throw it into the bin

he looks over his shoulder at tilts his head slightly

“I am sensing that you are upset. Why are you upset?”

“you threw away my dinner!!!!!!”

even though you’re pretty full like you had four slices so you’re fine but stILL you liked eating cold leftover pizza for breakfast the next day

“Oh.” he looks down at the bin. “I suppose that is something you will have to deal with, then.”

and you’re like

excUSE ME

why is this android so,,,, sassy

namjoon did mention that jin was the one who programmed his personality so

like father like son

“You must sleep soon. The time now is 10:41PM.” he pauses and his eyes do that weird glitchy thing again “My database tells me that you have a very unhealthy sleeping schedule.”

you’re getting roasted by a damn hunk of metal and you don’t even have a witty comeback

“i’m an adult, yoongi. i’ll go to bed whenever i want.” you snort and snuggle back into the couch and you hit play on the- “oH MY GOD PUT ME DOWN” suddenly everything’s spinning and you realise yoongi just threw you over his shoulder and is marching you down the hallway

you’re still flailing over his shoulder as he enters the washroom and picks up your toothbrush and squeezes some toothpaste on it for you

finally he lets you down but before you can say anything he shoves the toothbrush into your mouth and turns you over so that you’re facing the mirror

“i wuz goinf to eat some icfe cream after the pizza, you know”

“What kind of ice cream?”

you’re pleasantly surprised that he seems curious about your ice cream

“strawberry cheesecake flavoured ice cream it’s my fAvourite and-“

“One cup of strawberry cheesecake flavoured ice cream contains approximately-“ you roll your eyes and drown him out by turning on the tap as you brush your teeth and rinse your mouth out

once you’re done he follows you to your bedroom and then he nudges you in and immediately shuts the door without saying a word

“oh so you’re nOT going to tuck me in????” you feel obligated to ask him that considering he’s been treating you like a child

yoongi opens the door and pokes his head in a little as you’re about to get into bed

“You are an adult. Tuck yourself in.” and then he shuts the lights off and slams the door again and oOH you are so tempted to just hit that power-off button on the back of his neck so you won’t have to deal with him anymore

damn

how did namjoon rope you into doing this

8 damn months

“Time to wake up.”

you’re still half asleep even when yoongi pulls the blanket off of you causing you to whine and kick and blindly reach for your blanket

“You have to be at the lab in one hour.”

“what time is it??”

“It is 7:00AM.”

you rub the sleep out of your eyes and wince at the early morning sunlight

yoongi already opened up your curtains and you hATE being woken up by blinding sunlight

“i only need like half an hour to get ready let me sleep for another fifteen minutes” you drop your head back onto your pillow and shut your eyes again and- “oH jESUS is this going to become a regular thing because i am noT a fan of this” yoongi has you over his shoulder again and when he plops you down you’re staring at your crusty morning face in the bathroom mirror

“You don’t have ingredients in your fridge required for a nutritional breakfast. However, I made a cup of coffee for you. Please come to the kitchen in 20 minutes.” yoongi shuts the washroom door and you see that he’s hung your work uniform up behind it

dang

usually you’re reaching into your hamper and digging through it for your wrinkly blouse and trousers but

you’ve never seen your uniform look so neat and crisp before

and that coffee stain on the sleeve is gone

“alright, robot. you win this time.” you mumble to yourself and then you’re washing up and getting ready for the day

“It is now 7:35. According to my maps, we are ten minutes away from Bangtan Laboratories. I suggest you leave within the next five minutes to avoid tardiness.”

“i’m usually five or ten minutes late and no sane person would want to come check out books at eight in the morning so i’m not in a rush” you plop down on the couch and turn on your cartoons and then you take a sip of the coffee that- “oH good god what the hell is this????” you look down at the sludge in your cup and wince before setting it down on the coffee table

so you definitely need to teach yoongi how to make a cup of coffee if he’s going to be making your coffee for the next 8 months

“Is something the matter?”

“how did you make my coffee??”

“I ground up coffee beans and mixed some water into it. According to my database, coffee is essentially a mixture of C. arabica and water.”

“C. arabi- what is C. ara- okay you know what i’ll teach you how to make coffee when i get back from work today” hopefully you can get jimin to give you a cup of coffee free of charge

you’re trying to enjoy your morning cartoons but it’s hard when yoongi’s kind of just standing there staring at you blankly

“…wanna watch some cartoons with me?” you scoot over a little and pat the seat next to you

“It is now 7:38. I recommend that you leave in two minutes to avoid-.”

“this episode is nearly done just come and sit” yoongi blinks twice but then he nods and comes and sits next to you

“Do not slouch. It is bad for your posture.”

you let out a sigh and roll your eyes and stand up

“you knoW what you’re right i should leave now thanks for the coffee yoongs” you offer him a smile while you’re lacing your shoes up “uh, i guess you can watch TV all day if you want?? there are a couple books in your room that you can read as well. namjoon picked them out for you so expect some classic literature and poetry and all that jazz”

“My name is Y00NGI. Not ‘Yoongs’.” yoongi blinks at you and you groan internally he’s just so ???????? he’s the complete opposite of you he’s so stiff and orderly and boring but of course you suck it up because you’re doing this for the boys and maybe you can ask jin to tweak his personality a little bit heeehee

“byE yOOnGS” you slam the door behind you before he can respond and you start your walk to work

yoongi stares at the door after you leave and then the corner of his lips twitch up in a small smile

he’s trying to replicate your bright smile but the most he can muster is a teeny little smile

“Yoongs.” he mutters to himself and then he returns his attention to the TV

when you come home that night you are surprised to see that your dinky apartment is,,, spotless

and now that it’s clean it makes it seem like your place is a loT bigger

and wow your coffee table is supposed to be thAt colour?? crazy

“uh, hello? i’m home…” you’re about to kick your shoes off and dump your jacket on the ground and yoongi suddenly appears in front of you and stops you before you can do so

“You have a coat rack for a reason. You also have a shoe rack. Please use them.” you sigh and place your shoes on the rack and hang your jacket up before turning to yoongi and going like r u happy now u neat freak android

“do you eat human food?”

“I don’t. I could. But I prefer not to, otherwise I’ll have to open up my stomach compartment and empty it. Which is not ideal.” you cringe and ur like yuck okay fair enough

“okay, well… i’m going to order dinner for myself, so i guess you can just sit here”

yoongi grabs your wrist before you can scurry off to the drawers where you usually stash all the takeout menus

“I threw out all of your takeout menus. You cannot live off Chinese food and pizza every day.”

“you whA-“ you press your lips together to keep yourself from screaming at yoongi but your preCIOUS MENUS ARE GONE

okay look

he cleaned your apartment for you which was actually pretty nice of him

but

piZZA!!!!!

“I ordered groceries while you were gone. Your fridge is now stocked with fruits, vegetables, almond milk - everything’s natural and organic, and most importantly - good for you.”

“almond milk- yOongi look that was really nice of you and stuff but i’m not- i don’t drink nUT milk i drink cow milk and also??? i hate fruits and i hate vegetables”

“I can see that, considering the state of your skin.” Yoongi hums and his eyes light up before he scans over your face slowly “Mild acne. Very common. The lack of pizza will hopefully clear up your skin soon. You’re looking a little swollen in the face, too. Must be all the sodium. Come - I’ve steamed some vegetables for you.”

yoongi disappears into the kitchen and you’re standing there like

eXCUSE YOU

you turn and look into the mirror hanging by the door and u know what he’s right you’re looking a lil more bloated than usual and your skin is kind of splotchy and woW that pimple wasn’t there this morning

your period’s coming!!! so that’s your excuse to pig out a little because you always need junk food for your cramps

you know what you’re going to give that robot a piece of your mind and show him who’s boss here because it certainly isn’t hiM

“okay, listen here-“ you swing open the kitchen door and storm over to yoongi who’s standing by the stove with your steamed vegetables “i know you’re supposed to be taking care of me and everything but i refuse to eat these damn vegetables because- mmph!”

yoongi shoves a floret of broccoli into your mouth and you automatically chew

this isn’t half bad

there’s some minced garlic in here

“Sit. Eat.” yoongi nudges you to sit down on the stool and sets the plate of veggies in front of you “Finish it all.”

your stomach grumbles and you frown a little

you were really craving some juicy fried chicken tonight

maybe some yam fries with that really good chipotle mayo

dang

as soon as you finish your dinner (which was a lot better than u thought it’d be) you dial namjoon’s number into your phone and look over your shoulder to make sure yoongi isn’t there

“hello?”

“your robot just made me eat a plate of vegetables”

“he did? wow! he’s better than i thought he’d be because you never eat vegetables”

“wha- namjoon, the point here is that he’s being a control freak!! i want pizza!!”

“it’s all part of the test, y/n. if there’s a flaw in his system we’ll fix it up when you bring him in at the end of the month.”

“oh, there are pLenty of flaws in his system. i’d like to take a pair of scissors and just snIP-“

“Ahem. Put your plate into the dishwasher when you’re done. And I’m cutting off your phone usage. According to my database, you’re on your phone most hours of the day.”

“you’re not my dad so-“ all of a sudden yoongi grabs your phone from you and shuts it off and then he’s pointing to the dishwasher

he’s literally acting like your dad and it’s infuriating

“give me my phone!” you ignore him and hold your hand out for your phone “who do you think you are??”

“Y00NGI. Who are you?”

“i-“ okay you should’ve seen that coming “just gimme my phone!!”

unsurprisingly

this little argument ends with you not getting your phone and you being sent into your room early

you feel like a child and it’s ridiculous

and you can’t even complain to namjoon about his stupid android because said android hAS your phone

“It is 7:00AM. You have work in an hour.”

it feels like deja vu when you wake up to the sound of that monotonous voice and the feeling of someone ripping a blanket off of you and also your blinds are up so the sun is bLINDING you

“it’s 7am you have work in an hour” you mock grumpily and yelp when yoongi smacks you with a pillow

and so

you and yoongi fall into this routine

he wakes you up

you grumble curses at him

you go to work

you come back home

yoongi’s there with your dinner

yoongi scolds you for watching cartoons

yoongi scolds you for sneaking some chips onto your dinner plate

yoongi catches you with a pint of ice cream in your grubby little hands

how??? did he not catch that??

maybe if he was more observant he would’ve noticed that one of your boobs was significantly bigger than the other

yoongi clicks the TV off and sends you to wash up

you go to bed

yoongi cleans up the living room and puts the ice cream away

yoongi heads to his charging pod for the night and powers off

two weeks go by and you have to admit that you’ve gotten pretty used to having yoongi there 24/7

finally the day comes where you have to bring yoongi into the lab so namjoon can see if everything’s running smoothly

“aren’t you excited?? this is your first time out!!”

“There are more productive things that I could be doing right now. You interrupted me while I was uploading the entire Oxford dictionary into my hard drive.” even though you have your fingers wrapped around yoongi’s wrist and you’re tugging pretty hard to get him to move faster he’s still moving as slow as a snail so that’s gr8 for u

“you can upload it to your brain when we head back to my place. namjoon needs to see you so it’s not really my fault” you push him into the lift and he turns around and scowls at you

“Why do you manhandle me like that? Just because I’m a robot doesn’t mean you can treat me like this. Didn’t you notice the ‘fragile’ sticker on my box?” you’re tempted to roll your eyes because you’ve come to realise that yoongi can be very dramatic sometimes but like

he makes a fair point

you haven’t really been the nicest person to him in the last two weeks

he just

gets on your nerves!!!!!!!

“fair enough. i’m sorry. i think i… i was just kind of offended that namjoon wanted you to take care of me because i’m like… a grown woman and it’s embarrassing.”

yoongi blinks at you and then turns to face the doors as the elevator goes up “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m just here to help you. Plus, you need someone to take care of you. You can’t just eat pizza every night for dinner. And you can’t just wash your face with water and hand soap every night.”

……he makes a fair point once again

“Y00NGI, if you could just lie down here that would be great” namjoon points to the silver bed and you’re like low-key scared because it looks like an operating table

yoongi lies down and makes himself comfortable and rests his hands on his stomach

“i’m just going to be performing a basic electroencephalogram on you. i’m putting you to sleep now.”

a basic electroelephant-what-gram

you want to ask namjoon what the hell an electroscopicphahalalagram is but he looks pretty focused right now

yoongi’s eyes flutter shut and hoseok and jin work to place the small metal discs on his scalp and they’re all hooked up to some machines

suddenly a bunch of what you’re assuming to be yoongi’s statistics appear on namjoon’s monitor screen

all the information on there would be normal for a human except for the B A T T E R Y : 8 7 % part

“what’s that? and that? and that?”

namjoon’s been friends with you for a loNg long time so he’s learned to just drown you out whenever you get…. annoying

“is that his heartbeat? it’s pretty slow. what’s his heart made of? does he even have a heart? also - i have a question” you raise your hand and look around at the other boys expecting them to ask you what your question is but they never do

“i have a qUES-“

“wHAT y/n what is your question??” namjoon spins around and glares at you and you smile at him sheepishly

“if i cut yoongi open would he bleed??”

that’s

slightly concerning

“i’m sorry what”

“what i’m asking is does yoongi have.. like… human.. bodily fluids too…”

“i mean, like, yes? and no? his pee isn’t actually pee like if you gave him water to drink then he would just pee out water and maybe some motor oil if he has a loose screw but ya that’s it”

“oH you know what though i actually, uh,” taehyung stifles a laugh “okAy look i wanted to make him more realistic so like i bought a bottle of… fake semen and so there’s a little tank of semen inside of yoongi”

namjoon groans and turns to look at the younger boy “i told you not to!!!”

“i’m sorry!!!! i couldn’t help myself!!!! i promise it’s the good stuff tho like you can swallow it and it wouldn’t even-”

“oH my god i’m not talking about this. y/n, yoongi bleeds and kind of pees. and apparently he can ejaculate now.”

“so if you ever wanna hop on that diCK feel free to-“

“sHUT UP what if he can hear you!!!!” you slap your hands over yoongi’s ears “and yoongi isn’t even my type so i would never hoP on that dick”

that’s a blatant lie if yoongi hit on you at a club u would immediately drop to your knees

“stop talking about my android’s dick!!!!! whY did we even give him a dick in the first place!!!!”

“i had sO much fun moulding his dick out like lemme tell ya it’s just 7 inches of puRe girth-“

“STOP”

eventually everyone gets back to work and you’re entertaining yourself by spinning yourself around and around on a stool and also jimin gave you a pair of stethoscopes to play with and jin gave you a lollipop to suck on

(ur a literal child)

namjoon nods to himself because everything’s going according to plan

in fact yoongi is picking things up much faster than he thought

“emotional development is good.. heY look at that he’s already learned a couple new emotions!!!”

and you’re like ! dang he’s a fast learner what did he learn

you wheel over so that you’re right next to yoongi

“one of his new emotions are... irritation”

…..

THIS BITCH

you reach over and smack his cheek gently and ur like >:-) because he’s sleeping and he can’t feel you poking and prodding at him you can do whatever you want to take your frustrations out

“Could you be so kind as to release my face?” you jump when yoongi powers up out of nowhere and you’re just sitting there squishing his cheeks together

“why is your new emotion irritation?”

“Because i’ve been feeling it a lot as of late.”

“why?”

“I just have.”

“why?”

“…Because of a particular individual.”

“who?”

yoongi’s eye twitches and namjoon’s like lol because he can see the negative emotion bar rising higher and higher on the screen

“aLright alright cut it out y/n” jin scowls and pulls you away from yoongi before you have the opportunity to pull all the metal discs off his scalp

yoongi finds you absolutely infuriating

out of ALL the humans in the world he could’ve been assigned to

why did you have to be HIS human

you’re messy

lazy

irresponsible (he’s pretty sure you only have your job because you’re good friends w namjoon)

loud

manipulative

when he feels his hard drive overheating he tells himself to calm down

only a couple more months to go and then he can actually go and do something worth his time

like helping out at a hospital

working at a bank

maybe become like a teacher’s assistant or something

somEthing that helps society

helping a twenty something year old pick up her animal crackers off the floor is not a way to help society

“yoongi have you seen my reading glasses” yoongi’s in the middle of drying off the dishes when you pop into the kitchen “because i swear i left them in here but they’re not in here so then i thought they were in my bedroom but they’re not in my bedroom sO theN-“

“They’re on your head.”

“oh!!! ur right teehee”

yoongi grips onto the dish so hard it cracks a little

seven and a half more months

seven and a half

a month goes by and guess what

it’s that time again folks

you have to be an Adult and actually Socialize with your Adult Friends

you’re heading out with a couple of gal friends from your school days tonight

you know what though you’re just glad that you get a couple of hours away from yoongi

you’re kind of in a like-hate relationship with him

like you appreciate that he’s always there for you and he does a great job taking care of you and making sure you don’t spend too much time with your face in front a screen or overdose on animal crackers

but like

he’s alwAys hovering over you

like just now you were getting ready to do your makeup and yoongi was kind of just hanging out in the hallway pretending to dust the floors but you know it’s just because he doesn’t want you to accidentally stab your eyeball with your mascara wand again

it was pretty nasty cleaning black ink out of your eyeball

also

side note

knowing that yoongi knows your exact location at any given moment is kind of creepy

and you kind of just wanna have a goOd time tonight okay

you look down at the bracelet around your wrist and watch the Y00NGI blink back at you

you consider smashing the damn thing to pieces because it is just made out of glass

you give it a test tap on the edge of the counter

clink

your eyes widen when you see a teeny weeny little crack

huh

you raise your arm about to literally smash your wrist into the counter when suddenly

“Make sure to stay hydrated. Drink water after you consume alcohol of any kind.” yoongi appears behind you in the mirror and you quickly pull your arm back down and pretend like you’re just stretching out your limbs

“i know, yoongs. i’ve gone out partying before.”

“Who are you going out with?”

“a couple of girls i went to school with - you don’t know them” you purse your lips and apply a layer of lip gloss and yoongi watches you in the mirror

“I don’t know them?”

“of course you don’t know them you’ve never met them” you scoff

yoongi’s eyes turn into a shade of blue and if you look close enough you can see digits whizzing around in there

and suddenly

“Emma, Lauren, Hailey, Anna, and… Faith.”

your eyebrows furrow and you turn to face him

“how the hell did you-“

“Hailey seems to be a fan of partying. Be careful. Out of all of these girls the only one that is acceptable is Faith. I trust her. I have faith in her.”

jin must’ve snuck some kind of dad joke implant into yoongi because that was awful

yoongi turns and leaves the washroom and you’re like ????? how?????wat???? how did?????

about twenty minutes later you’re all dolled up and ready to go and you see yoongi rifling through your purse as you enter the living room

“i’ll take that, thank u very much” you snatch your purse from him and swing it over your shoulder before going to get your heels

“I was just making sure you have everything you need.”

“what do i need?”

“Tissues. Chapstick. A bottle of water. Your wallet. Your identification card. Your house keys.” he pauses for a second and then looks back at the tv “A pack of that godawful fruity, sugary gum you like so much.”

your heart warms a little that he packed your things for you anD he’s actually letting you have your juicy fruit gum

maybe you shouldn’t smash your bracelet into pieces

also jungkook did say it was expensive so there’s that

you slip into your heels and check to make sure you don’t have any lip gloss in your teeth in the mirror

“What time should I expect your return?”

“when i come back” you respond simply and shut the door behind you and scurry over to the elevator as quickly as possible to avoid more of yoongi’s nagging

“Pushing the button aggressively like that will not make the elevator move any faster.” you groan quietly and turn around to see yoongi poking his head out of the front door at the end of the hall

the doors open and you shoot him a quick thumbs up before getting in

“Always carry your belongings with you. Do not accept drinks from strangers. Be aware of-“

when the doors close you’re like thANK god because your head could’ve exploded from yoongi’s irritating tips

he’s acting like you’ve never gone out a day in your life

sometimes you forget how rambunctious your girl-friends are

“i’m sorry you bought a whAt” you tilt your head in curiosity and hailey leans in a little more

you’ve been at the bar for like ten minutes and the conversation topic has already swerved into the ~sexual zone~

“i said i bouGHT A SEX BOT” everyone bursts into giggles and you’re like ohHH gotcha “i honestly don’t even need to hook up with anyone anymore because my bot totally does the job - thank god for technology. he’s better than all the boyfriends i’ve ever had - and he makes reALLY good pancakes in the morning”

“cheers for technology!!” emma raises her glass and everyone follows suit and clinks glasses

you didn’t even know sex bots were a thing

all the prostitutes in town must be fuming

“sex bot…” you trail off and now u can’t help but wonder if namjoon’s ever made a sex bot

…is yoongi supposed to be yOUR sex bot

“but like… u don’t think that’s kinda weird?? being in a relationship with a robot and all that” you purse your lips and everyone looks at you weirdly

“y/n - what’s wrong with you, girl? this is the 21st century! a robot-human relationship nowadays is totally normal” anna snorts and takes a sip of her drink

“ya but the relationship you’re talking about is purely a sexual relationship…. what about like,,, a real relationship” you purse your lips before reaching for the small bowl of peanuts in the middle

“i mean i don’t really see the problem with that tbh like date who you wanna date even if your significant other is made out of metal”

“hey, y/n! maybe if your little crush on jungkook doesn’t work out we can get a sex bot for you”

“i doN’t- i don’t want a sex bot, thanks” you laugh awkwardly and scratch the back of your neck

“why not!!!! it’s been like a trillion years since u got laid”

“i,,, i know but i’m not like actively seeKing to get laid i just… i been busy u know how it be”

it’s true!! you’ve been super busy

sex hasn’t really been a priority

plus one night stands really aren’t ur thing

you can’t see yourself having sex with a stranger

it’s just so

intimate

“you have to get yourself out there!!!! otherwise your pussy’s going to dry up and shrivel up into nothing” you wince at the crude language spilling out of emma’s mouth and ur like u know what i think my… i think my pee-pee is doing just fine

“seriously tho!!! c’mon you should live a little~! let’s find a cutie for you tonight to take home” lauren grins and looks over at the bar “how about the bartender?? he was totally checking out ur boobs when we were over there”

“you guys i- no, i’m really not…”

it’s pretty obvious you’re kind of uncomfortable by the way you’ve shrunken into yourself and started gnawing on your bottom lip

“hey hey hEy okay maybe not!” faith slaps lauren’s arm and she scowls in pain “let’s just have a girls night, hm? let’s just get wASted and not think about stupid boys for once!!! the guys here aren’t even thAT hot - second round of drinks are on me!” she waves a server over and hailey automatically orders a round of shots for the table

“thanks for that” you murmur quietly and nudge faith’s side after the conversation changes from you getting laid to lauren and hER desire for a sex bot too

“don’t mention it” she hums and reaches over to pinch your cheek

turns out these drinks are actually preTty strong and everyone’s tolerance for alcohol is preTty low

an hour later

everyone is a hot fuckign mess

“lizten listen listen n to me faithy honey taehyUng is totally into you but hshhshhhh dont’ tell him don’t tell him he’ll kill me if i tell you” you slur and slap a hand over faith’s mouth when you see her face light up with excitement

“omg reALLy because i’m super into him too he’s sO attractive” she squeals excitedly “but like did he teLL you that he was into me because it totally doesn’t count if it’s just a rumour”

“oh NO it’s like it’s like for sure real like i went into his office and he was fully jacking off to your instagram pictures” you hiccup and in the back of ur mind u know you’ve exposed a little too much but it’s too late now

and faith doesn’t exactly seem to mind learning that tidbit of information

“…..i’M GONNA SEND HIM A NUDE”

“nO” you snatch faith’s phone and put it on the other side of the table

“how do you make such hot friends?? i want hot boy-friends!!!!” nicole whines and downs the rest of her drink

“maybe weEEEE should all apply for jobs at bangtan laboratories”

“dibs on jin and his broad shoulders!!!!!”

“well if you take jin i’m taking jiMIN”

“i wANT JIMIN,, anD junGKOOK”

“i want jungkook’s kOOk”

“i wanna get all up in namjoon’s dimplez he’s so cute ”

“well i want namjoon to get all up in MY GUTS”

“i’m taking hoseok!!!!!!”

“i will FIGHT YOU FOR HIM”

“I WANT THEM ALL”

another hour goes by…

[jeopardy theme song plays in the background]

“lOOK look it’s like fused to me and jungkook is the only one with the key” you raise your wrist so everyone can see your Y00NGI bracelet

“so like…….. you got a robot helper at home”

“ya”

“and he knows where u are all the time and ur temperature and ur heart rate and all that”

“ya”

“yoU shouldn’t- youshoulnd’t let these MEN control you like thiz” faith hiccups and you nod quickly in agreement

she grabs your wrist and flails it around “this bracelet don’t even gO with any outfits it’s so stupid”

“i don’t even- i should just smash it into smithereens” you slur and rest your head on her shoulder

all of you exchange looks and then everyone’s looking at the glass bracelet on your wrist

there is that little crack in it from when you tried smashing it earlier

“smash it” anna whispers

and then it starts

the satanic chanting

“smash it, smash it, smash it, smASH IT SMASH IT SMACHI T SMASHCIT SMASCHITSMACIHT” everyone’s slamming their glasses down on the table rhythmically

with all the energy in the atmosphere and the mojitos coursing through your veins you find yourself raising your arm and suddenly

huLK smASH

you grin when you raise your wrist and shake off the shattered shards of glass and everyone whoops and clinks glasses again

wow

giRL POWER

meanwhile

yoongi perks up immediately and blinks twice

it feels like a wire short-circuited inside of him somewhere

it’s about 2:57 now

it’s very very late

now would be a good time to check up on you

he checked on you about an hour ago

you seemed fine but he could sense a loT of alcohol flowing through your veins

hopefully you’re hydrating yourself with water and not just mojitos

okay time to check up on u

…

nothing

okay

no need to panic

maybe the bracelet glitched or something

he can track you via your phone

…

there’s no signal

your phone must be out of fuckign battery agAIN

you never charge it!!!! why!!!!

okay great

what’s the plan

he jumps when his phone suddenly starts ringing and he notices it’s FaceTime call request from an unknown number

he lets out a sigh of relief when your pixelated face suddenly appears on the screen

“yoongi!!!!!!”

“Y/N? Whose phone are you-“

“my phone is outta battery and also i broke my bracelet because you mEN can’t control me”

he hears a lot of giggling in the background

“What? Control you? The purpose of your bracelet is so that I can check up on- Oh my god.” you raise your wrist in triumph to reveal a couple loose wires wrapped around it and yoongi’s like o…..o no “Namjoon is going to kill you.”

you hiccup and lean against anna’s shoulder

“i gotta pee”

“Are you on your way back now?”

“are you on your way back now?”

“I’m serious, Y/N. It’s almost 3 in the morning.”

“i’m seriouz y/n i’s almost threeeee in the morning”

yoongi lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose

you’re a mess and you’re in no state to come home by yourself so late into the night

“I’m coming to pick you up.”

“u don’t know where i AM”

“I always know where you are. Stay put. And go pee.”

yoongi fishes your car keys out of the side drawer and tucks his phone into his back pocket

…

DRIVING 101 MANUAL: DOWNLOAD COMPLETE

okay cool now he knows how to drive

“you’re right he IS cute” anna gasps after yoongi hangs up on you

“right??? if hE hit on me tonight i would totally go home with him” you grin and hand hailey back her phone

“his lips are real pretty”

“his hair looks so soft”

“and that voice??? sO sexy are you kidding me???”

“i wish someone would take care of me like yoongi takes care of y/n :’((”

“you guys stop talking about y/n’s manz like that!!!”

“he is not- he is most definitely noT my mans” you laugh and shake your head

okay well like

he kinda is your mans

but he’s not at the same time

you felt a twinge of jealousy after all ur friends started gushing about how cute yoongi is

ahem

“how about one last round of shOTs before yoongi the party pooper comes n gets me!!!!” you change the subject and everyone bursts into cheers

one last round of shots turn into three last rounds of shots so

everyone’s stumbling in their heels when you guys finally leave the bar

lauren has an arm wrapped around your waist keeping you stable because your alcohol tolerance is the lowest out of everyone’s

and then you see a familiar looking bot heading towards you

“yOONGs my prince in scarily realistic silicone skin!!!!!!!!” you practically throw yourself at yoongi when you see him and immediately press wet kisses to his cheek

he’s not surprised that you’re an affectionate drunk

“Alright, alright. Where’s your purse?” you’re like aLL over yoongi and his eyes are going crazy trying to keep track of you

“i dunNo i want a piggyback ride” thank god yoongi was programmed to have superhuman reflexes because if he didn’t then you definitely would have fallen flat on your butt

yoongi sighs before reaching back to clasp under your knees and he accidentally gropes your butt before his hands quickly slip back under your knees and you can’t help but giggle

“buy me dinner before u touch me there u naughty boy”

“Where’s your p-“

“y/n, don’t forget your- oh!!! oh!!! you must be yoOngi!!!!” yoongi’s suddenly overwhelmed when a group of tipsy girls approach him

he does a quick scan of each of their faces and recognises them as your friends

“Yes, I’m Y00NGI. M1N Y00NGI, Y/N’s personal human mind model adaptive super android.” he likes to keep it professional when meeting new people

“well, min yoongi. here’s y/n’s purse.” yoongi expects you to reach out and take it yourself under he realises you��ve fallen asleep and you’re definitely drooling on his shoulder “sorry about y/n - we let her get a little crazy tonight.”

“yoU’re just as hot as y/n said you were!!!!” yoongi blushes immediately and diverts his gaze before letting out a small chuckle

he’s definitely going to use that against you when you sober up tho lmao

he turns his head and his nose nudges into your cheek making you stir before you’re nuzzling your nose into his neck obviously seeking warmth

“Should I call you ladies a cab?”

“oh, and he’s a gentleman too. i need me one of these yoongi’s.”

“we’re fine, thank you. we already called for an uber. thank you for taking care of y/n for us. we were kind of worried about her after her breakup with kihyun, but it’s nice to see that she’s in good hands.” lauren smiles and places a hand on yoongi’s shoulder

yoongi nods and offers her a smile

“It was nice meeting all of you. Have a safe trip home.”

“Y/N, wake up…” yoongi gently grasps your arm and shakes you a little

you let out a soft sigh and your nose wrinkles and yoongi’s like o,,,,oh my….. how cute,,,… wait waT is wrong w mE omg

“C’mon, we gotta get you out of your dress and brush your teeth and all that.”

you whine and shake your head before settling even further into the front seat

yoongi sighs and shoves the car keys into his back pocket before bending down and scooping you up in his arms

you immediately melt against his chest as he wraps one of your arms around his neck

yoongi winces when he accidentally knocks your head against the frame of your bedroom door

“You better not have a random leg spasm otherwise you’ll take out one of my eyes.” yoongi mutters and takes your heels off before setting them aside

somehow he manages to change (peel) you out of your dress and he wipes your makeup off aND he brushes your teeth anD he puts on your moisturiser without you waking up

you truly are a deep sleeper

he tucks you into bed and he’s about to leave the room when suddenly you’re reaching out and gripping onto his wrist

“Out of all the moments to wake up, you wake up now?” yoongi teases and bends down next to you

“stay with me” you pout and tug on his wrist and yoongi feels his fake heart go boom boom

he brushes some of your hair out of your face and lets out a sigh “I have to charge up.”

“my app told me u were at 76% when i last checked” you pat the empty side of the bed “stay with me”

somehow yoongi finds himself settling into bed next to you and he kinda just lies there like a statue

“u have to get under the blankets fool” yoongi sighs and tucks himself under the blankets

and he’s 110% sure you’re still a little tipsy because the next thing he knows you’re snuggling up to him

“you’re warm”

“Thanks. It’s my generator.” he clears his throat and shifts to get a little more comfortable

you don’t respond and he assumes you’ve already fallen asleep

“thanks for taking care of me all the time”

yoongi lies awake the entire night feeling a little warmer than usual

“okay, we re-modified your bracelet. now, instead of glass, we used a basically indestructible metal. we should’ve gone with the metal in the first place because this particular type is a pretty good conductor which means faster connections and-“

“but this one’s ugly the glass one was prettier” you interrupt namjoon and scrunch your nose at the chunky metal bracelet around your wrist

“…well you should’ve thought about that before smashing it into pieces”

“my friends are very convincing” you mutter sheepishly and twist the bracelet around your wrist before tracing your fingers over the engraved Y00NGI

jungkook comes over and takes your wrist to look at the bracelet and you can’t help but feel your heart go boom boom a littLe because he’s standing so close to you right now omg

you’re swinging your legs back and forth and you have your bottom lip tucked in between your teeth as you watch jungkook fiddle with the bracelet

yoongi glances at you and furrows his brows a little

he’s already synced up to your bracelet so he should be able to…

yEp

your endorphins are shooting through the roof right now

yoongi feels an unfamiliar emotion bubbling inside of him

it’s jealousy

“The bracelet’s already synced up to me. I don’t think you need to look at it anymore.” yoongi steps in between you and kook and he tilts his head at jungkook and jungkook’s like ohHO okay well i’m just doing my job

“kook get over here and help me with these damn triplex wires” jin calls jungkook over and he excuses himself but looks at yoongi a little weirdly

“what was that?? we were totally vibing”

“If by ‘vibing’, you mean you drooling over Jungkook while he fiddled with your bracelet - then yes, you were totally vibing.”

you scoff and look at yoongi before leaning back a little and crossing your arms

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“are you jealous of jungkook?”

yoongi trips over his words and he refuses to look you in the eye

“That’s ridiculous. Why would I ever be jealous of Jungkook? What is there to be jealous of?”

“you know… you’re the only human mind model adaptive super android for me, right?” you coo and reach up to pinch yoongi’s cheek and then he’s growling and swatting your hand away

you find yourself finally warming up to yoongi as time passes

you start enjoying his company instead of dreading it

and he feels the same way

:~)

maybe the next couple of months won’t be too bad after all

you’re in the middle of cataloguing some new books that just came in when suddenly you feel someone hovering over you

“hi can i help you find som-“ you look up and stop talking when you see /??? yoongi?? behind the counter

“what the- how did you- how are you here right now??” you furrow your brows in confusion and yoongi plops a little bento box on the countertop

“Public transportation. Eat. You’re hungry.”

“i’m not-“ your stomach growls right on cue and yoongi gives you a pointed look before opening up the bento box

“Pork and vegetable dumplings, and pan-fried chive pancakes. The dipping sauce is here. I added some sesame oil, soy sauce, and sriracha to the vinegar because you seem to like that combination. Animal crackers for later. Later. And a juice box. The flavour is organic apple and grape.” your stomach growls again at the sight of this goOD food and you swear you almost start drooling

“aw yoongs you didn’t have to make all of this for me…” yoongi hands you a pair of chopsticks

“Yes, I did. Otherwise, you’d be having a chocolate bar and a can of coke for lunch. I’ll go home now.” yoongi turns to leave and before you know it you quickly lean over the countertop and grab his arm

yoongi stops and looks down at your hand gripping his arm before looking back up at you

“wAit maybe you,,, you can stay here? with me? i’m all alone here and i’m sure there’s not a lot to do at home besides cook and clean and all that.” you clear your throat when yoongi tilts his head and blinks owlishly at you “or,,, not…”

“No. I’ll stay. And then we can go home together.”

home

usually he says ‘your place’ or something like that like from that night you broke your bracelet

but he just said ‘home’

“C’mon, eat up. I didn’t slave over the stove for nothing.” yoongi joins you behind the desk and immediately picks up the thickEst book from the pile that you were reorganising before he got there “History of Korea…”

you shove a dumpling into your mouth and your eyes roll to the back of your head because goddAmn this is good

you are fully having a foodgasm right now

just when you’re about to shove a second dumpling into your mouth you jump when you hear the sound of a book slapping shut

“Well, that was interesting. What other books can I read?”

wat

you turn to look at yoongi and he’s rifling through the other books on your desk

“wait- you- did you finish reading that already???” there are question marks floating above your head because you aRE conFuSIoN

yoongi responds with a hum and picks up a second book

this one’s the history of russia

“I think I’ll read all the history books today.”

“all of- yoongi there are like 1000 or moRe history books in this library i doubt you’ll be able to read them all” you snort and dip your dumpling in some sauce

about twenty minutes later your stomach is full of dumplings and chive pancakes and you couldn’t be happier

you’re leaning back against your chair and patting your stomach happily and yoongi’s having a good time sitting next to you with his nose in a book

“So how many books have you read in the last twenty minutes? 500?” you snort while packing up the box and putting everything back into the lunch bag

“Nah, I’m still on book 496.” yoongi sighs and shuts the book “I’m not fully charged and it’s messing with my speed.”

“I believe that’s 10 points to me, and 0 to you.” yoongi smirks when another paper ball lands right into the bin and you groan in frustration

you finished cataloguing the books faster than you thought and that’s how you ended up having a paper ball throwing competition with yoongi

it was his suggestion surprisingly

but now you know he only suggested it because he would win the competition

you probably should’ve taken into account that he can calculate the perfect angle and the perfect speed at which to throw the ball at

“this is a dumb game”

“No, it’s not. Throw your ball into the waste bin.”

yoongi scowls when you throw your ball at his head and in retaliation he leaps over and immediately begins to dig his fingers into your sides

“yOONGI stop!!!!!” there are tears in your eyes from how hard you’re laughing and you crumple to the floor in defeat bringing yoongi down with you

yoongi laughs but eventually shows some mercy and stops tickling you

and now the two of you are realising that he is very much on top of you

you’re both kind of panting and your cheeks flush a little when he tilts his head and smirks

“you’re mean”

“I’ve been told.”

“Give me the keys, I’ll drive.”

“it’s my car i’m driving”

“You drive like a maniac. Keys.” arguing with yoongi never ends well for you so you grumble before plopping your keys into his open palm

you hear the beep beep of your car unlocking and yoongi opens your door for you

“ah, thank you, kind sir” you get in and toss your purse into the back before reaching down to take your shoes off

“Seatbelt… m’lady.” yoongi slams his door shut and you buckle your seatbelt and lean against the window

“Where are we going now?”

“We’re heading back home, obviously.”

there it is again

‘home’

his eyes flicker up to where you’re flipping and unflipping the sun-visors

“Stop doing that.” he reaches up and slams it shut and you pout then lean back against the seat again

yoongi thinks you might actually have the mentality of a six year old child

“Wha- What is this?” after putting your shoes away and hanging your coat up yoongi walks into the living room and sees you sprawled out on the couch with your eyes glued to the screen watching some duMb brain-melting cartoon show

“spongebob squarepants reruns.” you answer simply and shift your position until you’re upside down lying flat on your back with your legs hanging off the top of the couch

your face is turning red from all the blood going right to your head

ur an idiot

“You are not watching this. You should watch something more educational.”

“i’ve been out of school for like two years i don’t- hEeeeEy” you start whining immediately when yoongi grabs the remote and switches it to the national geographic channel

omG all these documentaries are so boring

“Here, this one. It’s called… Beneath the Water.” he pauses and you recognise his thinking face

his thinking face is when he blanks out and like downloads a shit ton of information into his database

“Beneath the Water is a mini documentary-series focusing on the history of mythological, underwater creatures. Tonight’s episode is about mermai-“

“mermaids??? jesus yoongi how old do u think i am”

“You were just watching Spongebob Squarepants.”

you grumble out a ‘touché’ and switch positions so you’re actually sitting on the couch

“I’ll go and make dinner.” you watch yoongi disappear into the kitchen and you immediately reach for the remote

“Don’t even try!”

oh my GoD

yoongi’s like a babysitter from hell

“…i hate documentaries” you mutter to yourself but you don’t seem to have a choice so you lean back and make yourself comfortable

spongebob squarepants scene transition ~wun hour latier~

yoongi has to remind you to chew your food because your attention is fully on the documentary right now

he has his elbow propped up on the arm of the couch and he’s just watching you sitting cross-legged behind the coffee table with your stir-fried vegetables and fried (brown) rice ((because it’s healthier and has less sugar))

he smiles to himself when he sees you try to feed yourself while keeping your eyes on the screen

a carrot chunk falls off your chopsticks but you stick the chopsticks in your mouth anyway and you??? start chewing??? yoongi’s staring at you and he’s like there’s nothing in your moUTH

“Maybe you can continue watching the documentary after you finish your dinner.” you literally growl at yoongi when he reaches for the remote and he raises his hands in defence immediately

“Your rice is getting cold. Eat up.” yoongi sighs when you shove like three grains of rice into your mouth and the rest of it spills onto the table

“Okay, I didn’t think it would have to come to this.”

yoongi gets off the couch and squeezes in next to you and pulls your plate and your bowl towards him

“what are you doing??” you whine because your food is being snaTCHED

“I’m feeding you because you’re incapable of feeding yourself. The sun’s going to come up by the time you finish your meal and you need to be in bed in an hour and a half. You haven’t showered yet, either. Open.” yoongi holds up a hearty spoonful of rice and you’re hesitant at first because now you really feel like a baby and you feel kinda silly but then he’s nudging it against your lips and you open your mouth automatically

and of course your head turns right back to the screen while you eat happily

…actually you could probably get used to this lol

you are now realising how lazy you are

one month later

it’s a lazy friday night and you and yoongi are in the middle of a documentary marathon but of course you got distracted and started talking about something else

you two were actually supposed to go out tonight (there’s this adorable ice cream parlour you’ve been begging yoongi to go to) but then yoongi predicted that it was going to rain because apparently ‘Humidity levels are at 75% right now.’

“so the vine goes ‘road work ahead? yeah, i sure hope it does’!” you burst into laughter and when you calm down yoongi’s staring at you like you’re crazy “don’t you get it? because the sign said that the road works ahead and-“

“Yep. I get it. I just don’t get it, you know? Is this what humans find humorous?”

“well ya i guess so”

“Oh. What a sad, sad world we live in.”

okay so yoongi obviously isn’t a fan of vine humour

maybe you can find something else to talk about

“did namjoon make like a girl version of you?? maybe he’s making a lil girlfriend for you back at the lab” you wink and nudge his side playfully

“I did overhear a conversation between Namjoon and Seokjin about creating a female version of me. M1N Y00NJI will be her name, I believe.”

“oh. so she’s not a girlfriend, she’s like… she’s like your sister”

“Yes. And incest is highly inappropriate.”

“and super gross.”

“And super gross.” yoongi nods in agreement

there’s a moment of silence and the two of you stare at the documentary playing on the screen until yoongi breaks the silence

“Do you have a significant other?”

“me? oh god, no. i mean, like, i used to, but then-“

“It’s okay. I know all about him. You don’t have to explain.” yoongi hands you the bowl of popcorn when you reach out and make grabby hands at it

another moment of silence goes by

“Do you have feelings for Jungkook?”

now thAt gets your attention

you clear your throat and turn to face yoongi before pursing your lips

you were pretty sure you still had a teeny weeny crush on jungkook but you’re 100% confident that it’s not as intense as it used to be

like sure sometimes you still fantasise about kissing jungkook and holding his hand and all that gooey stuff but like

most of the time you’re with yoongi and in the couple of months that you’ve gotten to know him you realise how thoughtful and sweet and caring he is underneath his cold demeanour

and you had a fleeting thought that maybe your romantic feelings for jungkook had transferred over to yoongi but

well that would be silly

after all

yoongi’s not even human

“i… i mean, kind of? but i know he’d never go for someone like me, so I-“

“Why not?” yoongi keeps staring ahead “You’re very nice. You’re funny. You’re thoughtful. You’re kind. And you always share your snacks with other people even though I know you would much rather hog your crackers and juice to yourself.”

you laugh a little at that and then shrug your shoulders

“i dunno. if he was interested in me then he would’ve made a move but…” you continue rambling and yoongi drowns you out a little

yoongi is in a little bit of a sticky situation

last week he kind of developed a new emotion and he’s not exactly sure what it is

it’s a positive emotion for sure

and for some reason he only feels it when he’s around you

but he knows that it isn’t right

he shouldn’t be feeling like this with you

it’s not appropriate and it’s not fair to you if he suddenly told you that he felt a certain way about you

as disappointing as it is at the end of the day he is just… an android

“You should tell him that you like him. You only live once, you know.” yoongi suddenly cuts you off and he swallows thickly

he already regrets telling you that

“He’s working late at the lab tonight. Maybe you can bring him a drink. You still have the 6-pack of banana milk that you were saving for when he comes over.”

yep

he’s definitely regretting this

he turns to look at you and he can see the gears clicking in your head

he’s not just doing this for you

he’s doing this for himself

seeing you with someone else will help him control this new emotion

so this is a good plan

yep

“i don’t… i don’t know, yoongs. i don’t think it’s a good idea.” you scratch the back of your neck and jump when yoongi turns off the tv suddenly

“Y/N, you have to do this. You like him.”

yoongi is right

you do… like jungkook

…don’t you?

when yoongi shuts the door after you leave he lets out a small breath and ignores the new feeling growing in his chest

he feels a pang of pain within him

but this is good

he can’t be with you and that’s just the way things are

you don’t think you’ve ever run so quickly in your entire life but there you are practically sprinting to the labs in the middle of a fuckign thunderstorm (it was fine the first two minutes and then suddenly there was a rumble and it starting raining cats and dogs) because you’re about to confess your feelings of ~romance~ to jungkook

your heart tingles a little at the thought of jungkook’s smile

and the sound of his laugh

it’s kind of hard to see with the rain pouring down on you and your hair in your eyes but you manage to find your employee card in your wallet

“c’mon, don’t let me down now” you swipe your employee card in the access bar and it blinks from red to green and you hear the kachunk of the front doors unlocking

your shoes squeak down the hallway as you run towards the direction of the genius lab

you slow down as you approach the two white doors and you let out a shaky breath

you can hear jungkook talking to someone and you automatically assume he’s on the phone with taehyung or someone else

this is going to be great

you’re gonna be fine

you have high hopes!!!!

you give yourself a mini pep-talk before nodding confidently and striding towards the white doors

there are little circle-shaped windows on the door and as you walk closer you start to see the top of jungkook’s cute lil head

and just as you’re about to push open the doors

you see it

jungkook and ji-eun

they’re laughing at something but you don’t know what

the smile slowly fades from your face and you feel your heart drop to your stomach

all you notice is her hand on his thigh and the way they’re leaning into each other as they giggle

jungkook’s cheeks are flushed and so are ji-eun’s and he stares at her like…

like he loves her

he’s never looked at you like that before

and suddenly ji-eun’s leaning in and planting her lips against jungkook’s

and for some reason

nothing

you feel nothing

well

that’s a lie

you feel a little twinge of heartbreak because you’ve been crushing on jungkook for so long and he’s woW they are definitely making out right now

as you head back the only boy on your mind is yoongi

because yoongi’s always there for you at the end of the day no matter what

on the trek back home you’re suddenly hit with the depressing thought of ‘well, it happened again. you thought someone liked you and it turns out that they liked someone else aka you got rejected for the millionth time in your life’

that kind of dampens your mood and suddenly

you’re just… really, really sad

why does this always happen to you?

you get your hopes up only to have them shot down at the end

and each time you think something different will happen but you always get the same result

damn

“Hey! How did it g- Woah.” yoongi shoots up from the couch when he hears the front door open and the familiar sound of you kicking your shoes off and tossing your keys on the table

you’re soaking wet from the rain and you’re still clutching the six pack of banana milk to your chest

and usually you greet yoongi when you get home but you’re just silently peeling your jacket off and running a hand through your tangled hair

that can only mean

yoongi knows you more than anything else in the world so he knows that the last thing you want is to talk about what just happened

so he acts natural

“You’re going to catch a cold if you keep standing around like that. Come - I’ll draw a bath for you.” he picks up your wet jacket before grasping your wrist and leading you towards the bathroom

“with bubbles?” you murmur quietly and if yoongi had a heart it would clench right now because he’s never seen you look so defeated before

“With all the bubbles in the entire world.”

yoongi dips his hand into the water to test the temperature before pulling it out and shaking some bubbles off

“Alright, I think we’re good to go.” he gets up off his knees before wiping his hands off on his shirt

you toss the dirty makeup wipe in the bin before reaching down to undo the knot of your robe and yoongi’s like okAy i guess that’s my cue to leave

“I’ll be in the living room. We… we can have ice cream after your bath if you want.”

“strawberry cheesecake?”

“Mhm. Don’t stay in for too long or you’ll become wrinkly.” yoongi shuts the door behind him and heads towards the living room

his goal tonight is to cheer you up from this damn jungkook fiasco

he hates to see you upset

you don’t deserve to have your heart broken

you’re a sweet girl and you’re funny and kind and adorable and yoongi… yoongi really, really has taken a liking to you

he doesn’t know when it happened

but one day when you were telling him about your day he kinda just had a weird feeling

he noticed that he was paying more attention to the way your lips would curl around certain words and the way your nose would crinkle slightly whenever you laugh

it’s been almost six months since he first met you

you with your (still) mismatched socks and your greasy pizza

he shakes his head and hurries to get the living room ready and comfortable for you for after your bath

things are different now.

“you forgot to get my PJs for me so i just grabbed your hoodie out of the hamper” yoongi jumps when he hears your voice from behind him

he turns around and it takes everything within him not to explode from all the uwus right now

your cheeks are rosy and your hair is a lil damp but you look so cute wearing his hoodie and a pair of mismatched fuzzy socks

“Come sit. I have ice cream and a whole line-up of your favourite romantic comedies we can watch.”

“you really know the way to my heart” you sigh happily and plop down next to yoongi and he’s fully aware that he’s overheating a little bit right now

his face is sO hot

about half an hour passes and yoongi figures he’d give it a go

it is good to get your feelings out after all

“So… you gonna tell me what happened?”

“in the movie? haven’t you been paying attention?”

“Not in the movie, dummy. With… Jungkook?”

there’s a moment of silence and you slowly set the tub of ice cream down before clearing your throat

yoongi lowers the volume of the tv

“yeah, i don’t know.. it was stupid of me to think that jungkook would be interested in me so…i dunno i’m not that bummed out about it for some reason??” you scratch the back of your neck and lean back against the couch

there’s another moment of silence before yoongi speaks up

“You should be with someone more compatible with you.” you don’t know if it’s just the light playing tricks on your eyes but you swear you see yoongi’s cheeks heat up a little “According to your common interests, personality type, and even astrological signs - you and Jungkook are a mere 36% romantically compatible.”

“that makes sense….. out of all the boys who’s the most compatible with me? just curious” you lean back against the couch and you can’t help but smile when you see yoongi and his concentration face

he definitely picked it up from you because your eyebrows scrunch together and your lips purse slightly and he’s doing exactly that

“You and Namjoon: 62%. You and Seokjin: 51%. You and Hoseok: 28%. You and Jimin: 72%. You and Taehyung: 69%.” yoongi pauses and he looks like he wants to say something “…Youandme:98%.”

“you know i really thought that joon and i would be more compatible considering we’ve known each other since- wait what”

did he just

you and him??????? are 98% compatible???????/?

the two of you are kind of just staring at each other and for the first time yoongi’s the one who averts his gaze and he reaches up to scratch the back of his neck

woW he really did pick up your habits no wonder you guys are compatible

you like yoongi but he’s a robot and you’re a human and sure in today’s society it’s pretty normal for humans to seek comfort and companionship in an android but you never thought you’d be one of them

like you always saw yourself being with another human that was why you pined after jungkook so much but

what you needed was right in front of you this whole time

and yes you have to admit that at some point in time your feelings for yoongi shifted from platonic to romantic but you thought you were just getting attached because of the lack of romance in your life

and yes you’ve gotten used to yoongi waking you up every morning and sending you off with a cup of coffee and then when you get home he’s always there with dinner and he’s always down to cuddle

and you remember how roboT-y and coldhearted he was eight months ago but he’s a completely different android now

he’s a big softie and he’s sweet and kind and funny and charming

oh god

you like yoongi

but

he’s not even

he’s not even a person he’s a robot

“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate of me. I’m sensing discomfort from you. Please forget I said anything. I must head back and recharge. My battery is low.” yoongi quickly gets up from the couch and before you can say anything he’s dashing off to his room and you can hear him shut the door quietly

you check his app on your phone

his battery is at 72% only

that night you find yourself standing outside of yoongi’s room with your fist raised to the door

you can’t bring yourself to knock because what the heck are you going to say????

you decide that the best thing to do for now is just leave yoongi alone

it’ll be good for the both of you to have a little alone time

let you think things out and all that

yeah

you nod to yourself and head to your bedroom before shutting the door behind you

you’ll see yoongi tomorrow

you wake up by yourself the next morning

your body’s used to waking up early now which is good but a part of you wanted to wake up to see yoongi pushing open your curtains or even getting your clothes ready for you

you make a cup of coffee for yourself and spend about twenty minutes watching some tv and sipping quietly on your coffee

you’re hoping the fact that you’re watching cartoons will lure yoongi out of his room but

nothing

“yoongi? i’m leaving for work now. i’ll see you later?” you’re standing in front of yoongi’s room with your hand on the door handle

you get silence in response

“yoongs?” you push down the door handle and your brows furrow in confusion when you realise the door’s been locked

your heart clenches a little

he’s never locked the door before

he doesn’t even want to talk to you

and you don’t want to bother him and make it worse

fuck

your phone buzzes and you pull it out to see that you have to leave now if you want to be on time

okay

maybe you’ll see him when you come back??

“morning, y/n!” you nearly drop the stack of books in your arms when jungkook appears out of nowhere

“oh, hey kook” you muster a smile and set the books down carefully

“i brought you a coffee and a muffin” he puts it down on the countertop before shooting you a signature smile

and for some reason your heart doesn’t flutter in the same way it usually does because all you can think about it yoongi

“thanks, kook.” you sigh and plop down on your chair “what’s up?”

“you’re a girl, right?”

ouch

you look down at your boobs

“last time i checked, yes”

he blushes and immediately chuckles before scratching the back of his neck

“i-i mean, like, you’re a girl, so you would know what girls like”

“uh-huh”

“since you’re a girl-“

“as you’ve established multiple times”

“where would you want to go? on like, a first date kinda scenario”

huh

this must be for ji-eun

“i’m pretty basic, so a dinner and a movie would suffice! even like a netflix binge at home would make me happy. yoongi and i have been binge watching these nature documentaries and he doesn’t usually want me eating on the couch because one time i accidentally got spaghetti all over the pillows and-“ you immediately cut yourself off and the smile kinda fades from your face

you miss yoongi so much

“um, yeah - dinner and a movie.” you clear your throat and shrug

“you okay?” jungkook furrows his brows and looks at you in a concerned manner

“ya! yeah, i’m fine. sorry, i just… went off on a tangent there.” you laugh nervously

maybe you should tell jungkook about yoongi

but then he’d ask you what happened and you don’t want to have to explain the whole thing to him

it’ll be fine you’ll figure something out

“you should probably head back. thank you for the coffee and the muffin!!”

the rest of the day kind of drags on slowly

you find yourself looking at the clock very frequently waiting for it to hit 5:30 so you can leave and go home and hopefully see yoongi

but you don’t see him when you get back

and you don’t see him the next day

or the next day

your concern grows as the days go by

yoongi literally hasn’t come out of his room in days

you decided you’d leave him alone mainly because you didn’t know how to approach the situation yourself

you knocked on his door a couple times to remind him to charge up but each time you were just met with silence

another three days go by and yoongi still hasn’t come out of his room

you’ve been doing everything to try and get him to come out

you turned on all the stoves

you left all the lights on

you even left the door unlocked one night which was terrifying because anyone could just walk in

you also accidentally sliced your finger when you were making a sandwich one afternoon and you were bleeding all over the place but yoongi didn’t rush out with a first aid kit like he usually does

you check your Y00NGI app on your phone everyday and everyday it says he’s 100% charged so at least you don’t have to worry about that

but tonight

something just doesn’t feel right

you’re not exactly sure what it is

you can barely focus on the nature documentary playing on the TV

you twist your bracelet around your wrist and you’re like okay that’s it i gotta check on yoongi

you open all the kitchen drawers and finALLy find the key to yoongi’s room

“yoongi? i’m coming in,” you sigh and shove the key into the hole before twisting and-

holy shit

“yoongi!” you gasp and immediately scramble over and fall to your knees

yoongi’s on the ground and he’s completely pale

you can see all the lines and wires and digits lighting up under his skin

you grasp his face and see that his iris’ and pupils are milky

“oh god oh god oh god oh god” you manage to yank the power chord down from his pod and you shove it into the nape of his neck and your phone automatically syncs up with the pod

N O S I G N A L

“what?? no signal??” you unplug it and shove it into yoongi’s neck again and still you’re met with the blinking red N O S I G N A L

“no no nonononono yoongi please c’mon” you grab his shoulders and shake him hard but he remains… lifeless “oh god, fuCk”

quickly, you dial namjoon’s number and the next thing you know you feel a lump growing in your throat and your eyes are starting to well up with tears

“hello?”

“namjoon, help, i- i don’t know what happened- yoongi, he- i just came in and-“ you’re stuttering all over the place and namjoon has no idea what’s happening

“y/n, slow down - what’s wrong?”

“i-i don’t know! i don’t know what’s wrong with him, i should’ve checked on him earlier but - oh god, namjoon, something’s wrong with yoongi h-his eyes are all milky and-”

“what? y/n - bring him to the lab, okay? we’ll meet you there and see what we can do”

“o-okay”

“it’s going to be fine, yoongi’s going to be fine. hurry, okay?”

“yeah, okay” you hang up and tuck your phone into your pocket and you give yourself a second to calm down

it’ll be fine

yoongi’s going to be fine

“c’mon, yoongi” you grunt and you end up basically dragging yoongi down the hallway and out the door

how the hell did this even happen?

how did he make it seem like he was 100% charged and his vitals were good???

this is literally all your fault

you should’ve said something the night he told you that you two were the most romantically compatible

you should’ve told him you felt the same way but nO you were too scared of what other people might think of you being in a relationship with a damn robot

being in a relationship with an android is sO normal nowadays

what were you thinking?? you should’ve said something to him instead of letting him lock himself up in his room

you look at the front mirror and see yoongi just slouching over in the back and his head his bobbing up and down

you quickly wipe your tears as you speed down the highway

the last thing you need is to get into a car crash so you can’t be sobbing and driving at the same time

when you get to the lab you’re relieved to see all of the boys waiting outside with a gurney

you practically stumble out of the car and the boys are quick to get yoongi out

“on the count of three - one, two, three-!” jungkook and jin lift yoongi’s limp body onto the gurney and goD knowing that yoongi’s in this state makes you want to cry even more

hoseok immediately plugs a power line into yoongi’s neck

yoongi’s veins all light up momentarily before disappearing and he seizes up

“what happened??” namjoon gives you a quick hug before pulling away to look at you with worry

“i.. i don’t know - it’s my fault, he said something to me and i- i should’ve said something back but i didn’t and-“

namjoon rushes over and shines a flashlight into yoongi’s eyes

“his pupils aren’t responding” hoseok mutters and namjoon nods in acknowledgement “what the hell happened?”

“he overcharged himself. his wires are fried.” namjoon murmurs in response and turns yoongi’s head to inspect his charging port “y/n, how long did he lock himself up for?”

“i don’t know, it must’ve been like… like 10 days?” namjoon curses to himself

an android overcharging itself almost never happens

unless yoongi did it on purpose

“okay. let’s get him into the lab and see what we can do.”

you grip onto yoongi’s hand as everyone heads into the building

“i…i think we might have to reboot his system because i honestly have no idea what other option we have”

“wait hyung but if we reboot his system won’t that wipe his database clean-“

“it’s going to be fine.” namjoon gives jimin a warning look and jimin’s like eughghhhh okayyyYy aND looks at you worryingly

once they wipe yoongi’s database there’s a high chance he’ll forget everything

including you

they’re about to bring yoongi into the lab but then namjoon notices you’re still holding his hand and he’s like okay you have to wait outside y/n i’m sorry

“but i wanna go inside too” you whimper and step even closer to the gurney

“i know you do but we can’t have anyone besides us in the lab when we’re rebooting a bot”

“why not??”

“y/n we just can’t it’s the rule-“

“no. i’m going inside too because-“

“y/n we love you but we seriously can’t let you in, okay? you can see yoongi afterwards.” jin cuts in and looks at you seriously and reaches down to pull your hand away from yoongi

your grip on him only tightens and with each passing moment you get more and more distraught and the boys have no idea what to do

“y/n, we don’t have time-”

“no please i wanna go inside i wanna be with yoongi” you’re sobbing at this point and namjoon’s heart clenches at the sight of how distraught you are

they all give each other looks of acknowledgement

the plan is to make you let go and then they’ll all move quickly into the lab

namjoon reaches down quickly and yanks your hand off and jungkook and hoseok work to push the gurney into the lab with jimin and jin holding the doors open

the moment you feel yoongi’s hand slip from your grasp you immediately go into a panic mode and you chase after joon and the others but suddenly taehyung’s grabbing you from behind keeping you in the waiting area

“c’mon, jagi, it’s okay,” you feel taehyung wrap an arm around you from behind but that only serves to make you struggle and freak out even more

“nO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE NAMJOON LET ME GO IN DON’T TAKE YOONGI AWAY FROM ME-“ namjoon shakes his head and drowns you out as he shuts and bolts the door behind him

he can still hear you sobbing and he hears poor taehyung trying to console you

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” both you and tae are on the floor and he’s wrapped you up in a hug and is stroking your hair

his own eyes are welling up with tears because he hates seeing his friends in pain like this

“it’s all my fault,” you hiccup and taehyung shakes his head quickly

“it’s not. nothing is your fault. you didn’t know.”

“but what if they can’t reboot him and he doesn’t make-“

“y/n, your friends are all geniuses, okay? yoongi’s going to be fine.”

you spend the next two hours cuddled up to taehyung in the waiting room

you’re going in and out of sleep because it’s nearly 3AM and still no word from namjoon

“i think i should take you home, jagi” taehyung whispers and you shake your head quickly

“i can’t leave him again” you sniffle and rub at your eyes because god damnit you feel yourself crying again

“you need to sleep”

“i’ll sleep here”

“tae?” you perk up when you see hoseok poke his head out of the lab doors “we need you in here”

taehyung turns to look at you and you’re like it’s okay you can go i’ll be fine

“if you need anything just page one of us” taehyung hands you his pager before quickly going into the lab

about twenty minutes pass and suddenly you feel your phone buzz

Notification: Y00NGI APP - (6) MESSAGES

you furrow your brows because how are you getting a message from yoongi right now

turns out there was a glitch in the app and you aren’t getting these messages until now

your eyes start watering again when you read the messages

“I’m sorry. I should not have said those things to you. It was entirely inappropriate of me. I just wanted you to know that you deserve to be with someone who loves you just as much as I do.”

“I have never felt this way before. I did not even know I was capable of feeling such emotions. You make me feel overwhelmingly happy all the time. I have thoroughly enjoyed being your caretaker and more importantly, your companion.”

“I know that you feel the same way about me as I feel about you. But I also know how you feel about android-human relationships. I’m going to do something that I think will be for the best.”

“Y/N. I’m sorry. Don’t forget about me. I won’t forget about you.”

“Live a long and happy life.”

“Yours forever, Yoongi.”

you bite down on the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from sobbing

you’re just so emotionally and physically drained right now

you hate yourself

you just want yoongi back

you sniffle and rub furiously at your eyes because you feel them welling up again

okay you need a distraction

the wifi isn’t working for some reason so you end up flipping through your camera roll

and oh

there are so many pictures of yoongi on your roll

you can’t help but laugh quietly to yourself

he sure does love his selfies

your pretty boy-bot

a yawn escapes you and you stretch your aching limbs out a little before turning to lie down on the hard bench

the boys really need to invest in like a sofa or something

soon enough you fall asleep on the bench clutching your phone to your chest

“y/n?” your eyes pop wide open when you hear namjoon open the lab doors

“how is he?? is he okay??” you scramble off the seat and run up to namjoon

“well, we managed to replace some of the wires in his neck. we replaced his eyes, too. can’t have a blind android. luckily not everything was destroyed when he overcharged himself. we didn’t have to completely reboot him but…”

“but?” namjoon’s eyes flicker down to his clipboard

“he actually developed a new emotion.”

wat

why is he telling you this right now

“that’s great joonie but i just wanna know if he’s alive or not”

“he’s fine - don’t worry, he’s fine. i just… why don’t you come in and see for yourself?” namjoon lets you in and you’re shocked to see yoongi hooked up to a bunch of different computers and machines

you immediately walk over to look at him and

he still looks the same

he’s still your yoongi

“okay, you ready?”

“mm”

namjoon hits a button on one of the machines

you jump when yoongi’s eyes open and light up and suddenly a bunch of videos appear around the room like holograms

and all of the videos are of you

like when yoongi patched up your knee and your hands and pressed a kiss to your knuckles - that was the first time he learned to give affection

or when he scolded you for coming home late and taking your bracelet off - his first time displaying emotions of frustration and worry

the two of you watching beneath the water for the tenth time in a row because you pulled out your puppy dog eyes and yoongi can’t resist them

there are just multiple videos hovering around the room and all of the videos are just of you

“i think… i think Y00NGI loves you” namjoon is genuinely shocked because he wasn’t expecting thIS as a result of him building yoongi in the first place

“but that’s- that’s not possible, right??? i mean he’s a robot and robots don’t…. they don’t love”

“not usually - obviously there are robots out there for companionship or for sex or whatever but i’ve never heard of a case where the android was capable of loving someone… i don’t know if i should label yoongi as faulty because i seriously was noT expecting this…”

you’re half listening to namjoon and half just watching all the videos that are playing around you

“of course - Y00NGI isn’t like other androids… i built him so that he learns from people and adapts to his environment…. he’s around you most of the time and… i suppose it is possible for an android to love??? he’s just so lifelike now i can’t tell if this is a failure or a success”

“he’s not a failure!!! isn’t it better for him to be more lifelike? then the companionship and the romantic aspect of it becomes more realistic”

“i don’t know y/n… i don’t know if i want mY bots like… falling in love with their clients… the purpose of the androids are to help people not fall in love with people”

“why can’t they do both??”

now that has namjoon thinking

maybe you’re right

maybe he can start a line of ..,, relationship robots??

namjoon hits the button again and yoongi’s eyes immediately shut

“how come he’s not… is he in a coma or something?”

“i don’t know, y/n. i think we should give him a couple days - he probably needs to get used to the new hard drive.”

you sit down on the stool and you grip yoongi’s hand and bring it up to your mouth to plant a tiny kiss on his knuckles

yoongi might be in love with you

according to namjoon yoongi is definitely in love with you

and you love him

more than anything in the entire world

you scoot up a little so that you’re closer to his face and you reach over to brush a strand of hair out of his eyes

you purse your lips in frustration and boop yoongi’s nose

you miss his voice

you miss his laugh

you miss his touch

you miss those pretty brown eyes

“yoongs,” you whisper so sO quietly and lean in to press a tiny kiss to his cheek “i love you”

for now it’s just the sound of machines whirring and beeping

and then it happens

yoongi’s finger twitches ever so slightly

“yoongi??” you stand up quickly and the others rush over

you’re all hovering over yoongi when he opens his eyes and a breath of relief leaves everyone and the boys are all high-fiving and fist-bumping each other

oh thank god

thank GOD

you immediately scramble on top of yoongi so you can hug him and it’s kind of an awkward position but you’re making it work

he sits up from the table while you’re still cruSHing him in a hug

“oh my god yoongi i-i thought i lost you forever i’m so sorry i should’ve done something sooner-“

“Hello. I am M1N Y00NGI.”

you pull away immediately and look at his face in confusion

“wha… what?”

his eyes scan your face momentarily

“You are Y/N Y/L/N. I am your personal human mind model adaptive super android.”

you turn to look at namjoon and your eyes begin welling up with tears

“joon he doesn’t- he doesn’t remember who i am? i thought you said you didn’t reboot his system” you whimper and namjoon’s frantically flipping through the papers on his clipboard

“h-hold on y/n we’ll be back we need to check what wires we used on yoongi” taehyung squeezes your arm and you nod and then they’re all leaving the lab whispering things to each other

you turn to look at yoongi again and his eyes are just…

empty

looking into his eyes is like looking into a void

he doesn’t remember you

“no… no, please, you know me, you know who i am” you sniffle and reach up to cup his cheeks

“You are Y/N Y/L/N. I am M1N Y00NGI. I am your personal human-“

“yeah yeah you’re my personal human mind model adaptive super android but you’re moRe than M1N Y00NGI you’re my best friend a-and you take care of me and every morning you wake me up at seven every morning and you bring me lunch everyday and we read together and we watch nature documentaries together because you hate it when i watch cartoons and- don’t you remember???” you’re frantic at this point and you’re grasping at his shirt tightly

“I am sorry. I am afraid I do not understand.”

“you’re more than just Y00NGI you’re mY yoongi”

“I am sorry. I am afraid I do not understand. I am your Y00NGI?” you nod desperately as a tear rolls down your cheek

“yes, yes, you’re my yoongi, and i’m your y/n, a-and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i love you more than anything in this entire world but please pLease you have to try and remember me” you sob and yoongi remains stone still even as you’re pushing and smacking at his chest

“You love me?”

“i love you, i love you,” you whimper and rest your head on his shoulder in defeat

you’ve lost him

he’s gone forever and it’s all your damn fault

“Took you long enough to say it, you dolt.”

wait what

you pull away from yoongi’s shoulder and look at his face and his eyes have returned to their warm shade of caramel brown

your yoongi

this is your yoongi

“I thought it’d be funny to play a prank on you but I think I might’ve taken it a step too far.”

“yOONGI!!!!!!!!”

yoongi’s still trying to adjust himself to this new hard drive but it’s hard to do that with you kissing his face everywhere

he chuckles places his hands on your hips as you cup his face and just look at him

“you’re a dick” you sniffle and rub at your swollen eyes

yoongi smiles and wipes a tear away before pinching your cheek playfully

“I’ve been told. Hi.”

“hi” you mumble

yoongi takes his bottom lip in between his teeth and his eyes flicker down to your mouth

you’re about to ask him how he’s feeling and ambush him with questions but he holds a finger up to your lips

“Say it.”

“say what?”

“You know what.”

“you’re going to have to be more specific” you tease and yoongi gives you a look

you press your lips together and wrap your arms around yoongi’s neck

“Well?”

“well what”

“I literally almost died and you’re still going to put me through-“

yoongi’s eyes go wide and his computer-brain basically short circuits when you suddenly lean in and plant your lips on his

god your lips are soft

and yoongi’s like

so this is a human kiss

totally worth it

yoongi’s eyes flutter shut when he feels you tug at his wrist to get him to respond and then he’s kissing you back with such love and affection and tenderness that it makes both of your guys heads spin

you pull away and yoongi feels himself overheating when you nudge your nose against his

“i love you.”

yoongi doesn’t even hesitate to respond

“I love you too.”

“give the man some space y/n we just resurrected him” jungkook walks in and the other boys are behind him

you immediately blush and move to get off of yoongi but his arm slithers around your waist and he pulls you in closer

“were you people in on this sick prank????” you scowl and squish your cheek against yoongi’s as you wrap your arms around his neck

“we’re sorry!!! it was all yoongi’s idea okAY” jimin raises his hands in defence

how are you holding up, champ?” namjoon walks over and gives yoongi a pat on the back “feeling okay?”

“mm, i’m feeling good. you really tightened my wires, didn’t you?” yoongi tilts his head and cracks his neck before wincing

“yeah - they’re extra durable so you can’t fucking overcharge yourself like an idiot again” yoongi gets a smack across the head from each of the boys and you whine and swat their hands away before cradling his head and bringing him down to rest against your chest

and yoongi’s like teehee because his face in between your boobs

“leave him alone! he’s gone through an exhausting 48 hours. …but i agree, you fuckign idiot” you swat yoongi’s head and he groans out in pain before reaching up and rubbing at the back of his head

“y/n, i gotta talk to you about something c’mere for a sec” namjoon calls for you and you nod before carefully crawling off of yoongi

before you get a chance to walk over yoongi grabs your wrist and pulls you in for a teeny kiss

“omg u have plenty of time to kiss each other later go to namjoon so we can double check yoongi’s wiring” jin smacks your arm and you scowl before hopping over to joon

“what’s up?”

“okay, you have to promise not to get mad.”

“…what did you do”

namjoon presses his lips together and tucks a pen behind his ear before leaning back against the table

“about a month after you took yoongi in, i actually got a request from… a really, really wealthy girl - she… well… next month will be your seventh month with yoongi.. and technically your- our - contract terminates automatically after eight months…”

you furrow your brows in confusion

namjoon’s never brought this up before

“ikindofsortofmaybesoldyoongitothisgirl”

wow

this day just keeps getting better

“you…”

“…”

“YOU DID WHAT- OOF I’M GONNA FUCKGIN KILL YOU GET OVER HERE” the next thing namjoon sees is you lunging at him and suddenly you’re chasing him around the lab and yoongi and the boys are all like um wtf is happening

namjoon has string bean legs so obviously he’s getting away from you pretty easily but you still run as fast as you goddamn can

“y/N WAIT JUST LET ME EXPLAIN” somehow you and namjoon end up standing at opposite ends of a table with vERY SHArp tools

“YOU’VE DONE PLENTY OF EXPLAINING GET OVER HERE” when you round the table to get to namjoon he moves quickly and ends up where you were just standing

“listen liSTEN i can laBEL HIM AS FAULTY and tell her i have to make anoTHER model for her!!” you don’t even register what namjoon’s saying because you are positively fumING

if you were in a cartoon smoke would be coming out of your ears

you pick up what’s closest to you which happens to be a pair of long tweezers

“i’m going to pluck your eyES OUT NAMJOON”

“you can keEP YOONGI FOR CHRIST’S SAKES” jungkook grabs you before you can hop over the table to strangle namjoon and you’re like wait what

“you can keep yoongi” he breathes out and presses a hand over his chest “people are willing to pay miLLions of dollars for yoongi but i’m going to label him as faulty so you can keep him - for frEE.”

good god you’re terrifying when you’re angry

“oh”

“uh-huh”

“then why even bring it up in the first place?”

“you… yoongi’s going to be your permanent responsibility and i need to know that you can handle it. he is my first creation after all. yoongi’s my baby! even though he’s technically older than me. you know… i… you won’t have to bring him in for check ups every two weeks anymore but i need to know that you’ll be able to handle any given situation” namjoon scratches the back of his neck

your heart warms a little because namjoOn cares thAT much about yoongi

“like what if he has a loose wire somewhere and-“

“joon, i promise you i will take care of yoongi” you hold a hand to your chest and you’re about to reassure him even more but yoongi butts in

“Um, is everyone forgetting that I’m like, a genius android? I could perform brain surgery if I really wanted to. I’m sure I’ll be able to take care of a loose wire.”

“…fair enough” namjoon’s like :’) i’m so proud of my android baby :’) but here y/n take this basic manuscript on how to rewire wires :’)

“i can’t believe you made me cry like that” after namjoon and the others triple-check that yoongi’s good to go they give you the green light to head home

“I’m sorry, baby. It won’t happen again. I love you.” yoongi squeezes your hand and your heart flutters in your chest

you swing your arms back and forth before stopping and standing in front of yoongi and yanking him down to kiss you

“i love me too” yoongi scowls and digs his fingers into your side making you giggle “i love u too”

“should we get pizza to celebrate?”

“…In your dreams.”

>:-(

the two of you head over to the car and once you’re buckled in you turn to face yoongi with your hands on the steering wheel

“so where are we heading now?”

“…Home.”

home :)

you don’t like to admit it but sometimes you like to take advantage of the fact that yoongi is an android

especially when he’s in the middle of his charging time

“we shouldn’t have had a harry potter marathon because it drained all the battery out of me” yoongi winces as you plug his cord into his neck a little too roughly

you apologize and give him a lil kiss before moving to sit on the bed

the two of you decided it’d be a good idea to move yoongi’s fridge (“Stop calling it a fridge, Y/N. It’s my charging pod.” “...issa fridge”) into the bedroom now that you two are,,, together

“...i’m going to go eat some lucky charms now”

“Okay, but- wait, what? Lucky charms? I threw them out last week. Nice try, hiding the box under the bed.”

“uh-huh, under the bed.” you smirk and stand up before heading over to the bedside drawer

“I don’t like that look on your face. What are you up to?” yoongi furrows his brows when he sees you pull out a tampon box out of the drawers “Are you ovulating? My calendar tells me that you’re not supposed to-“ he immediately stops talking when you open up the box to reveal noT tampons but just straight up lucky charms

and it’s not even lucky charms it’s just lucky charm MARSHMALLOWS

“Oh my god.”

“oh my god indeed” you grin and shovel a handful of marshmallows into your mouth and yoongi winces when he senses your blood sugar shOOt up

“Y/N, no.” he gives you a stern look and you shrug innocently before popping another marshmallow into your mouth and crunching down on it

“y/n, yes. i’m going to eat ALL OF THESE RIGHT NOW” you zip out of the room and yoongi groans loudly and reaches up to pull the plug out of his neck

but he’s stuck there because the cord won’t unplug until he’s up to at least 30% charged

he really needs to do a more thorough check of the bedroom next time

of course karma’s a bitch so you end up drinking the blandest chicken soup for dinner that night to ‘flush out the toxins and chemicals’

sometimes you have … depressing thoughts

like you know that it’s impossible for you and yoongi to grow old together and that you’re going to turn into a sack of wrinkly prunes one day and he’s still going to look like he’s 25

somewhere down the line you’ll have to end things with yoongi and find an actual human being because you want to have a family and yoongi’s fake semen isn’t going to get you anywhere

or maybe you can ask namjoon to make robot-human babies if that’s even possible

that sounds terrifying actually

but you know what

you’re just living your best life right now

you’re young and you don’t have a care in the world

the world of android-human relationships is a completely normal concept in this century

you’re having fun with your android-boyfriend!!! enjoy the present :-))))

speaking of your android-boyfriend

dating yoongi includes ((but is not limited to!!)) lazy make-out sessions because that’s just who he is

like you’ll be watching some documentary and you’ll be cuddled up to yoongi’s chest

these nature documentaries have become your favourite thing to watch but whenever yoongi’s busy with something you sneak away to watch your cartoons because you could never give up adventure time

anyways

yoongi gets pretty bored quickly with these documentaries mainly because everything the narrator’s saying,,, he already knows

you have your head on his chest and he likes to hook a finger under your chin and bring your face up to his before pressing his lips against yours

and usually you entertain him for a second and kiss him back but your eyes are still glued on the screen while you’re kissing him

and thaT’s when he gets pouty

“Baby, pay attention to me.” yoongi sighs and taps your cheek gently and you turn to glance at him quickly

“i paid attention to you already” you give him a chaste kiss and he leans in to chase after your mouth but you’re already pulling away and settling back against his chest

“I’m bored.”

“yoU chose this documentary”

“I know, but I’m bored. And there are better ways to pass the time, you know.”

“like wha-yOongi!” the next thing you know yoongi’s pulling you onto his lap and you have your legs on either side of him and he already has his face in between your boobs “well this isn’t convenient for me because now i have to twist my back to look at the screen”

yoongi rolls his eyes and pauses the documentary before tossing the remote to the opposite end of the couch

“and you say i’m the one with the out of control hormones” yoongi hums and you squeak when you feel him grope your butt

what a gentleman

yoongi tells you make-out sessions are actually good for him because it allows him to learn more and stuff but ur like what kind of skills do u gain from making out with someone

it’s just because he’s a horn-dog

“my salmon’s going to burn in the oven, yoongi” you giggle against his lips and yoongi literally whines when you pull away which is sO adorable

“The salmon won’t burn. According to my timer, it’ll be cooked perfectly in 10 minutes.”

“oOH yeah baby keep talking technology to me mMm”

yoongi snorts and rolls his eyes but pulls you back in for another kiss

sometimes you forget yoongi is a super-intelligent robot and can pick up things like really reALLy quickly

“yoongi, oh goD yoongi” yoongi’s hands slide down to grip your ass as he continues helping you to push your hips down against his thigh

“Is that good, baby? Gonna cum all over my thigh? Greedy little thing…” hearing his low, raspy voice murmur that right into your ear would be enough to make you cum but also

where the HELL did he learn to talk like this

“where’d you- yoongi, ah - where the hell’d you learn how to talk like that?”

yoongi pauses and pulls away before looking at you and blinking

“I downloaded an archive off of Pornhub.com so that I would be fully equipped with the skills required for you to have an orgasm. Is it not working?”

“no, it’s working, i just wasn’t expecting it” you’re still kind of breathless because you were literally riding his thigh for the last two minutes

and now you’re just perched on his lap casually having a conversation

“Oh. But you like it, right?”

“ya”

“Then why’d you stop me, dummy?” yoongi shifts under you and your eyes widen when you feel him press himself right against your core “Now be quiet and let me make you cum on my thigh.”

your sweet yoongi

ever the romantic

also

tongue technology

“Jagi - if you keep squirming like that, I’m gonna have to hold you down harder and I might cause bruising which isn’t ideal.”

“i can’t help it” you whine and your hips automatically raise up from the bed

yoongi rolls his eyes and digs his fingers into your plush hips before forcing you down and woW you underestimated his strength because u literally can’t even move

“Well, help it.” he shrugs and proceeds to bury his face in between your legs again

he groans against you when you cry out in pleasure

something that you’ve learned about yoongi is the fact that he loves to tease

like seriously he teases so much it’s kind of concerning

“You have to tell me what you want, baby.”

“but i-“ you pout and whine underneath yoongi because he’s not giving you what you wANT

“Nuh-uh, don’t start whining now.”

and what he says next has your insides melting

“Tell daddy what you want.”

“daddy, please…i…”

“Hm? Couldn’t hear you, doll.” yoongi sighs and leans down to press a kiss against your inner thigh before blowing gently on your core and you instantly twitch

“i said i…”

“you?”

“ᶦ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵗᵒⁿᵍᵘᵉ”

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” yoongi has to admit he himself is getting a little impatient so he bends down and proceeds to eat you out as if he were starving

one of your hands slithers down to his hair while the other reaches back to grip at the headboards

god bLESS taehyung and his talent for designing yoongi

the first time u and yoongi have sex

noW you see the hype with sex bots (even tho yoongi technically isn’t a sex bot but daMn he’d be a hit if he was marketed as one)

of course it starts off sweet and romantic because it is your first time with him after all

yoongi showers you with sweet n soft kisses and is so sO gentle with you

he’s positioned in between your legs snugly and has his fingers intertwined with yours with one hand while the other is propping him up a little

his forehead is pressed against yours and all of your senses are just flooded with yoongi yoongi yoongi

“yOongi, ah-“ you whimper and arch your back when he thrusts and hits that spot

“Mm, there?” yoongi’s nipping at your collarbone before he trails kisses up your neck and along your jaw and you nod desperately

“there, right thEre” a gasp slips past your lips and yoongi can’t help but smirk to himself proudly when he hits it again

“Does that feel good?” his voice is all low and raspy and good goD you could die right then and there

“yEaH yeah that f-feels good, feels really good, yoOngi- oh, god, i love y-yoU” your sharp nails bite into his back and yoongi bites down on your shoulder as payback

yoongi thanks the android gods above because he’s able to capture the image of you having an orgasm and he can play it over and over and over again

your sweet little cries and moans and pants of pleasure

all for him

“Nngh- you okay?” yoongi shudders when you squeeze around him from the overstimulation

you nod bashfully and look away and yoongi think it’s sO adorable how shy you get post-sex

“Don’t get shy on me now, jagi.” yoongi coos and presses his lips against yours

you kiss back obediently but then you’re pushing at his chest gently “i wanna make you feel good too”

“It’s okay baby, you really don’t have to -“ it’s too late because you’re already pushing yoongi onto his back and crawling on top of him

“but i want to”

“…Only because you said so.” yoongi sits up eagerly and you can’t help but giggle at how quickly he changed his mind

so remember how sweet and romantic u guys were like twenty minutes ago

yeah

yEET

“Oh, fuck- you’re doing so good, baby, so good for me,” yoongi groans and his grip tightens on your hips and you cry out when he bucks up into you

“Yeah? Gonna cum again? Cum all over daddy’s cock?” yoongi has a hand in between your legs and is rubbing quick circles on your already sensitive clit

you nod quickly and furrow your brows before arching your back against him

“w-want you to cum i-inside” you breathe out and yoongi growls when you squeeze around him

oh god

yep

yoongi’s gonna exploDE

yoongi delivers a slap to your backside making you arch your back and cry out

“Beg for it, pretty girl.”

you get all bashful again and nuzzle into the crook of his neck and yoongi barely hears your little ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵘᵐ ᶦⁿˢᶦᵈᵉ ᶦ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᶦᵗ

“You weren’t this shy a second ago, baby…” you let out a pathetic whine in response and yoongi figures he’ll let you get away with it just oncE

he grips a handful of your ass and hooks a finger under your chin then pulls you closer so he can kiss you

you kiss him back enthusiastically and your thighs are on fiRE but u know dis shit is gon be worth it so you power through

it’s a pretty messy and uncoordinated kiss and yoongi’s tongue is fully in your mouth

y’all are FREAKS

“Y/N, fuck, fuck, it’s happening, h-happening…” yoongi’s fingers dig into the flesh of your hip and he tosses his head back

the next thing you know both you and yoongi are seeing stars

yoongi feELs like he’s short circuiting that’S how good this orgasm is

“huh”

“what’s wrong” you wheel over to namjoon and the two of you look at an unconscious yoongi

namjoon has his neck flap opened so you can see all the wires running through yoongi

“this wire’s been burnt to a crisp”

“how?” you look at in in concern and ya namjoon’s right one single wire is split and completely fried

“it’s weird because this wire is the wire connected to, uh,, u know…”

“to the what”

“you and yoongi have.. sex, right?”

you blush instantly and clear your throat before pretending that you got a notification on your phone

“imeanlikeyeahiguessso”

“oH don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with that that’s totally fine” joon reassures you before picking up a pair of tweezers “this particular wire being all burnt up and crispy makes more sense now”

“what do u mean” you raise an eyebrow and pick up your bottle of water

“hand me the scissors” namjoon pauses and holds his hand out and you grab the scissors for him “…you made him nut so hard he busted a wire” he shrugs casually and you choke on your water

omg LOL

“i’m sorry whAt”

namjoon’s brows furrow as he ties the two loose ends together hoPefully that will fix it til the wires come “jimin - can you bring three single-strand wires? i have to replace yoongi’s triplex wire-“ he turns and raises an accusing brow at you and you huff “yeah, that one. the blue one. this should do the trick for now… i think”

“here ya go”

“thank you- anyways yoongi wasn’t made to be a sex bot-“

“he’s noT A sex bot u know what sometimes he’S the one with the out of control hormones i like to think that he wants it more than i do-“

“so i guess i better pick up some more durable wires seeing that your guys’ relationship probably isn’t ending anytime soon” namjoon clicks yoongi’s neck flap shut and you have no idea how this silicone shit works but now it looks like a normal neck again “the wires will probably take two weeks to get here so,,, i’m sorry u sex fiend but no sex with yoongi for two weeks otherwise he might actually burst into flames”

taehyung comes over wearing a monocle looking thing and proceeds to do his part to yoongi which is just the ~outer appearance~

he doesn’t have to do much considering yoongi is pretty much perfect

“i’m on joon’s side - as much as i love and support this relationship i’m gonna need you to slow down a little” taehyung pauses to tweeze one of yoongi’s eyebrow hairs “because i’ve gone to the sex shop to buy fake semen so many times they asked me if i wanted an industrial sized juG of it”

yoongi’s learned to be very affectionate because of you but he has his limits

“Y/N, it’s time to wake up…” yoongi’s stroking some hair out of your face before he pokes your cheek gently

you grumble something under your breath and swat at his hand

“C’mon, jagi. You’re going to be late for work.” he sighs and reaches down to pull your (his) shirt down because it always rides up

you groan and flip over on your stomach

“Baby…” yoongi sighs and leans down to press a kiss against your shoulder

another grunt

okay that’s it

yoongi sighs and gets off the bed before grabbing the blanket and literally riPPINg it out from under you causing you to roll off and flop right onto the floor

“oW WHY DID U-“ you sit up and rub your forehead before glaring at your dumb boyfriend

“It is 7AM. You have work in an hour.”

some things never change

#w0w #hopefully u guys like this lol #min yoongi #min yoongi fics #min yoongi smut #min yoongi imagines #bts #bts imagines #bts fics #bts smut #yoongi #yoongi fics #yoongi smut #yoongi imagines #android!yoongi #android!au #android!bts

3K notes · View notes

red-river-rocknroll-request-line · 5 years

Text

Braindead: A Fan’s Dissection

When I first saw this film a good number of years ago I was left dumbfounded. How could anything possibly be this good?? How could humanity top this film?? I wore it like a badge of honor: “I saw Braindead. You know it’s been rated as the goriest film of all time.” And all my friends in school were like “yeah, whatever.” I would come home from school, grab myself a Dr. Pepper, and sit down and watch it again. This obsession lasted for weeks—maybe months. It’s been so long I can’t really remember.

Point is: I adored this film the first time I saw it and I adore it even more now. This film is everything. It is—dare I say—Perfect.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Braindead (or Dead Alive), I urge you to find it and watch it immediately before continuing to read my break down of it. I’m going to spoil a lot of it in this review.

Is this a review? It’s really just me gushing about it. It’s off-the-rails, hilarious, super gory, and a total blast. However, I hope you have a strong stomach, cos it’s really disgusting too.

Anyway, let’s take off, shall we?

Let’s start with our main character: Lionel Cosgrove. He’s played by actor Timothy Balme in his first ever role. Lionel is a rather well-off young man who lives with his mother, Vera (Elizabeth Moody). He’s an awkward and shy boy; the first glimpse we get of him is him fumbling with a fruit display in a shop. Very soon after this, he spills a box of black licorice and pens all over the counter. Then very soon after that, he backs into a streetcar, nearly getting run over.

He’s super emotive/expressive and the perfect protagonist for this movie.

Now that I’m thinking about it, Braindead is really a coming-of-age film for Lionel.

Let’s dive a little bit into his backstory. He has a memory of nearly drowning at the beach and his father diving in to save him. Then, before his father could get out of the water, a “freak wave” comes along and pulls him out to sea, causing him to drown. Lionel is haunted by this memory, and very clearly feels partially responsible for his father’s death. His mother uses this guilt to get him to bend to her every whim.

Lionel’s mother, Vera, is extremely manipulative. The first scene with her she’s waving a carving knife around. In many ways she is like Margaret White from “Carrie.” Overbearing, mildly threatening, etc. She keeps Lionel at her beck and call.

At the end of the film, when Lionel finds out the truth about what really happened to his father, he stands up and confronts his mother. For probably the first time in his entire life, he stands up to her! Good for you, Lionel! See? That’s why it’s a coming-of-age film!

I want to switch over now to Paquita, who is played by Diana Peñalver. Paquita is actually the first of the main cast we’re introduced to in the film. She works in a small corner store with her family—we only ever see her father and grandmother, but Lionel mentions at one point in the film that she has a brother. Paquita is a young woman determined to find the love of her life. She is very outgoing and independent. She kicks ass in this movie.

One of the great things about Paquita is that she has a strong will. I feel like the stereotypical way her character could’ve been written (love interest) would be for her to be the damsel in distress. However, since our main character Lionel is such an awkward guy who doesn’t really act without reason, we need someone to prompt him to action. This is fulfilled mostly by Paquita throughout the film.

There’s a scene I like where Paquita comes over to Lionel’s house to return his jacket. Lionel, nervous as heck because “Mum” is just down the hall, tries to tell her that he can’t see her anymore. Brokenhearted, Paquita offers him a red rose before turning away. I like how the stereotypical roles are reversed here: she sneaks up to his window and she gives him a flower. It’s refreshing. It also shows how much of a go-getter Paquita is.

I guess I should back up a bit and clarify why Paquita is so interested in a punching bag like Lionel. Paquita’s grandmother does a tarot spread to see who the man of Paquita’s future is. Initially Paquita is disappointed that it’s not the delivery man that she’s been flirting with. However, after her grandmother reads that Paquita will have one romance that will last forever, Paquita becomes interested again. Her grandmother says she will recognize the man of her future by the “Symbol of the Star.” Soon after, Lionel comes through the door, spills the licorice and pens which fall into the shape of the star. After seeing this, Paquita starts pursuing Lionel, believing he is the man of her future.

Let’s get back on track with why Paquita is so cool.

When the movies kicks itself into 12th gear and the bloodbath starts, Lionel and Paquita get separated and Paquita has to defend herself. She hides in a pantry with a large knife and when tapped on the shoulder, she wildly stabs at whoever did it. Finding out it’s one of the partygoers, Paquita immediately tries to comfort and protect her.

I just think it’s great that there’s a good chunk of the movie where Paquita and a character named Rita are by themselves, barricading themselves in the kitchen and taking care of each other. Well, it’s mostly Paquita taking care of Rita, but still. It’s just two girls kicking ass together. Then later they tear Void’s legs in half and start batting away zombies with the legs. THEN later still when Lionel is in the lobby during the famous lawnmower scene, Paquita takes the body parts that come flying her way and grinds them up in a food processor. She kicks ass! She doesn’t need prompting, she doesn’t need saving… she’s a girl who knows what she wants and knows how to handle herself.

Also I love it when she spits in Uncle Les’ face when she rips his spine off and then smashes his head on the counter. Nice!

Speaking of smashing heads, I want to talk about how people are seemingly made of jell-o in this movie. Especially when people become zombies. Limbs can get ripped off easily, two heads colliding can make one explode, a whole body falling off a banister can cause it to explode in blood and guts when it hits the floor. It’s outstanding. And so cartoonish!

This whole movie is basically a really gory, really violent cartoon. The huge glass bottles labeled “Tranquilizer” and “Poison” with a skull and cross bones but uh-oh! It was actually Animal Stimulant! Ooooops! Lionel’s facial expressions throughout the whole movie, all the physical comedy… even the meat grinder in the kitchen is labeled ACME. Everything in this movie is about 30 miles over the top. It’s a love story, a coming of age story, a splatterfest, and a comedy all rolled into one.

I could keep going on and on about how this move is the holy grail of horror/splatter comedies, but I think I’ve gushed enough for now. And really, if you still haven’t seen it (I know it’s kind of difficult to get a hold of) after reading this review or whatever this is, you’re missing out. It’s so disgusting and fun! On top of that, it’s got a sweet little love story in it. ♥

Thanks for reading! Stay gory, stay fun!

EXCELLENT MOMENTS

- Gluing Vera’s cheek back on. I just love how she says: “Oh.” So benign. The scene of Lionel gluing her cheek back on her face looks so painful and it’s just like what?? That’s the best solution you had? Absolute gold.

- “Damn fine custard!” Euugh oh my god. The scene of Mr. Matheson taking a heaping spoonful of custard contaminated with Vera’s bloody puss into his mouth is scarring. In that scene, we, the audience, ARE Nora Matheson. Her eyes bulge and she covers her mouth to stifle a gag. Then she looks over in horror as Vera eats her own ear with a spoonful of custard. Poor Nora has to leave the room before she vomits. Some of the audience might want to vomit as well.

- Lionel coming down to the basement wearing like hockey goalie armor or whatever that is as well as a helmet, goggles, rubber boots, and gloves in hopes of protecting himself from “Mum” and Nurse McTavish. Of course Lionel falls all over the place and most of his armor comes off while fighting against the two zombies, but he lives somehow.

- Continuing with Lionel, I love love love all the scenes where he’s all unshaven and greasy as he tries to figure out what to do with the zombies in his basement. I love in the graveyard when he tranquilizes Void and just sits down with his head in his hands like “Ah Jesus, could this get any worse?” Like, he’s too stupid (or soft I guess) to just hack the zombies to pieces and be done with it. If he were to do that, this whole mess could’ve been avoided.

- “I kick ass for the LORD!” This was the scene that I saw on youtube and then immediately decided that I needed this movie in my life. It’s so out of the blue, it’s so silly. The benign and somewhat irritable priest at Vera’s funeral is SO READY for the rapture or whatever that when he sees zombies in the graveyard he jumps down on them and kicks the shit out of them (before tragically getting bit in the neck by the zombie’s head that he had kicked up in the air and then running and drop-kicking so hard that he goes flying and gets speared by a grave marker statue). Bless you, Father McGruder.

- Uncle Les’ murder spree. Honestly, as shitty of a guy Uncle Les is, he really knows how to handle himself in a zombie outbreak. He’s a sadistic wack-job for sure, but if it wasn’t for him, Paquita and Lionel would probably have twice the amount of zombies to contend with. Uncle Les hacks up dozens of them in the kitchen and then lights himself a cigarette.

- Lionel dangling upside-down in the lobby. There’s so much chaos going on in the house, and I love that it gets tied together in a sense when Lionel falls from the attic but is caught by some electrical wiring which, over in the kitchen, yanks Mandy and her lit-up head back into the wall. I love Lionel dangling uselessly in the lobby for a small portion of the movie. Paquita runs up to him and kisses his cheek, Void’s intestines in the attic try to pull him back into the ceiling, Uncle Les shoves him out of the way causing him to start swinging around… I love the chaos of it. I love it. I can’t get enough.

- “Party’s over.” Of course. The bloodbath. The holy grail of bloodbaths. Lionel throws the doors open holding a lawnmower in front of him. He revs it up and starts plowing through the zombies in the lobby. The scene is set to a waltz number as Lionel grinds bodies seemingly made of jell-o to a bloody mess. Limbs and blood and guts are flying everywhere. It’s amazing. I also love the scene where Lionel flips the portrait of the Queen around before he let’s out a battle cry and continues to puree the zombies.

Feel free to add your favorite moments too!

#braindead #dead alive #movie reviews #timothy balme #diana penalver #elizabeth moody #lionel cosgrove #paquita maria sanchez #gore #blood #horror #cult film #peter jackson

8 notes · View notes

sadlove4you · 5 years

Text

The 30 Day Tumblr Challenge

We are at it again bois.

Day 3 - My Favourite TV Show/Series

Okay so I don’t know why I’m excited to tell you my favourite shows. I definitely have a few of my favourites, also cartoon shows and anime if that counts lol

Okay starting off with:

1. OnMyBlock

You guys don’t understand how obsessed I am with this show!! This is one of my #1 favourites and now S2 is coming in a few days like holy shiit, feels like we been waiting forever. Watching the teaser and seeing Ruby opening his eyes at the end at me jumping 😂. I mean if they were thinking of not putting Ruby in S2 and he died then I ain’t watching S2. But can I say that Spooky is is fine as hell 😍 But anyway I recommend you guys go watch it, it’s da best, if you into that teen drama.

2. The Office

I love the Office, I always wanted to watch it from seeing memes on insta or Facebook all the time and now I finally got the chance too. It’s so funny and you just get every joke and just laugh. Also one good thing too is every episode is so entertaining and you don’t get bored. So if you wanting to find a new tv show to watch then come to this one. Another thing is that I love Michael’s personality, just trying to be the cool boss and even tho some episodes he can be annoying but then his very caring at the same time. Its cute how he finds everyone like a second family to him. Also can never get enough of Jim’s pranks on Dwight.

3. Black Mirror

Gotta say this is a pretty interesting tv series, I thought it would be one of those shows that just drag on but literally every episode is different and has its own story. I like how some of the episodes try to connect to the real world and what we do in our society. Also the fancy technology in this series sis pretty impressive but same time don’t want that type of technology being invented now lol I would have to say one of my favourite episode would have to be S4 Ep 4 - Hang the DJ. I was so confused at first and thinking the couple were trapped in some sort of game or world but at the end when it was them in a simulation for a actually a dating app, just blew my mind. That it was the process of the dating app to find the perfect match was really impressive. Also there’s a few keys points on how we work our dating life in the real world. But I was also happy there was a happy ending not like it is with Black Mirror. Another one of my favourite was S3 Ep1 - Nosedive just because I could relate to how we get sucked in the social media world and not in the real world. I more based on the you know you always wanting so many followers on social media and all these likes on your photos from people who you hardly hangout. Just seeing people or friends more higher then you, you kind of get that feeling you wish you were like that. Another thing too is now a days we see heaps and heaaappsss of fitness models that really hit you with ‘I want a body like that’ It kind of puts your self esteem down and trying to love your own body. I mean yes some models do help and motivate you to workout and all that but you gotta put in a lot of work and I’m just too lazy 😂

3. The End of the F***ing World

It’s a very unique show I must say. Even though James intention was to murder Alyssa in the first place but I still love the relationship between the two even though it was an unusual connection. But James came to fall in love with Alyssa eventually. If it weren’t for that creepy dude he murdered then we probably would of had a different story.

Okay now I’m getting into my favourite cartoon/anime shows

1. Tokyo Ghoul

One of my favourite anime series ever. Love a bit of action and gore which is what this series showed. Note that I’m not into the romantic animes, it kinda bores me. But honestly S3 was complete shit and was so confusing. Didn’t even connect with the last 2 seasons. But the other 2 seasons was 👌🏾 Noice.

2. Berserk

Listen if you want a bit of more gore and action then you should watch this. Love this show, literally finished it in a day and a half 😅. Guts is the main man and is probably my favourite character. But just a warning the ending is kinda fucked up and dark but I literally kept watching in confusion because it just escalated so quickly. I even read a few articles on what the ending meant but I’m still confused but overall still love the show. Was sad that everyone died suddenly expect Casca as one of the remake movies showed she survived but was obviously traumatised and lost her mind. Then had a demon baby which was fucked.

3. Rick & Morty

Gotta love this show man. Never knew I would like a show like this and understand all the humor 😂

4. Regular Show, Adventure Time & Amazing world of Gumball

If you don’t know what’s these shows are then GTFO! Jks but seriously these are pretty much the best cartoon shows ever, especially on Cartoon Network. Literally watch these shows growing up but I had a little sister that would watch these shows with me and our dad didn’t like it because of the crude humor and so on. So I haven’t watch these in awhile and going back to them is so nostalgic. It’s sad that these 3 shows had to end. I mean obviously a show gotta end somewhere but still. It won’t be the same :(

5. Love Death + Robots

I got to say this is a very interesting series. The animation was amazing but I was gobsmacked at the CGI which looked soooo realistic in some episodes. Literally finished it in a day. I mean yes it is a bit graphic but overall it was funny, dark and imaginative. But I do understand the sexual violence towards women in the series but at the end they got their revenge. But to say Sonnies Edge was probably my favourite episode and hope we can get a series happening or I’ll be disappointed haha.

——————————————————————————

Okayy I guess I’m done. Idk why I was so excited to talk about this topic for some reason. But tbh I’m not really a huge tv show fan as I mentioned before sometimes shows drag on and it gets really boring and I just move on to the next show. I mean these shows above are probably the only ones I enjoy the most out of every other show.

A good example of a show that drags on is Riverdale, literally. I hate this show so much and idk how people are still watching it. First season was really good then it just got worst. I mean is it just me or Veronica is really annoying and being with Archie is even worse.

Also another show that pissed me off was Shameless! ughhh really ticked me off when Debby eventually had the baby and the way she acts so stubborn literally fucked me right off. You know when you watch a show and it just doesn’t go the way it should and then you just stop watching. Also Game of Thrones, I’m that percent of people that hasn’t watch this shit at all. I recommend if you haven’t watch this show then don’t start because literally every episode is an hour and there’s like what, 20 odd episodes in the 6S. So good luck if you gonna start. But I did watch the first 2 episodes of S1 but it’s kinda weird with the brother sister thing lol I should just make a post of all the shows I hate and why 😂

But anywayyy sorry if this was soo long. Didn’t think it would be and it sucked because I couldn’t put more gifs in haha But if your feeling bored then recommended watching a few of these bad boys I have put down but if you have any that don’t drag on and are actually worth watching and not boring. Then please tell because I don’t want to start watching a show and then get disappointed during it.

Alright then see you guys tomorrow for Day 4

#day 3 #30 day challenge #tumblr challenge #tv shows #anime #tv series #bored #favourite #OMB #Black Mirror #tokyo ghoul #yeet #follow me

7 notes · View notes

britesparc · 3 years

Text

Weekend Top Ten #461

Top Ten Good Things That Actually Happened in 2020

Well, thank God that’s over, am I right?

It feels kinda weird to be sitting here looking back over the wreckage and general weirdness of 2020, a year that pretty much defines the word “anxiety”. I have a lot to be thankful for: none of us died, for a start; we all seemed to avoid The Plague in its entirety for the whole year. We still have a house, we still have food, we always had enough toilet paper, and above all we had each other. It was hard, it was long, it sucked a great deal at times, but there are substantially worse hands to be dealt all things considered.

Anyway, amongst all the crap, there were some good things, too. And I don’t mean the end-year highs of them finding a vaccine, Biden beating Trump, and us narrowly avoiding No Deal by eating a ton of rotten mud instead of actual shit. No, throughout the year, there were actually some things that happened that were genuinely good; great, even.

And so once again, with no further ado, here are my ten favourite things. Like usual, these are, y’know, things that I watched or played or whatever. I don’t go on about my great kids being great, or the fact that I finally finished writing and formatting enough children’s books to start showing them to agents. But my kids were both elected their respective class’s reps to the school council, which is pretty badass. Here you go. Ten good things. Watch them on catch-up, or whatever.

Mega Mando: without a doubt the best “thing” that I saw was the second season of The Mandalorian. Managing to be both an event-of-the-week show (a heist! An infiltration! A siege!) as well as a long-form narrative; feeling distinct and its own thing but tying into so many aspects of Star Wars; full of absolutely excellent scenes and direction and performances; and holy crap what an ending. When you watch a few of these kinds of shared-universe genre shows, this sort of thing is a rarity to the point of my never having seen it before. Seasons that are too long? Filler episodes? Disappointing lore? A “thirteen-hour movie”? Mando swerves all of these things and – notwithstanding my love for The Last Jedi – emerges as possibly the best thing Star Wars has done since at least the classic LucasArts games of the late nineties.

Series SeXy: finally the new consoles came out, and I got an Xbox Series X. It was quite a ride for yours truly: I managed to successfully pre-order one from Microsoft directly; it turned up on the day of release, except it was late in the evening and the kids were around so I couldn’t open it; then, after briefly testing it, I shoved it back in its box till Christmas. Honestly, you wanna talk about anticipation much? It was literally in my house and I still didn’t properly set it up till the evening on Christmas Day. Anyway: it’s great. It just works, y’know? It’s a beautiful boxy delight, with its chunky green holes and its shiny edges. It makes all my games look amazing, it’s so fast and buttery-smooth. It’s like upgrading a PC, but far more successful and expansive an upgrade than I was ever able to do when I was actually upgrading a PC. Anyway, it’s great. It even runs Cyberpunk 2077.

Lockdown Crossing: Animal Crossing: New Horizons arrived at exactly the right time. Lockdown was starting, everything was darkness and fear, people were dying, we needed distractions, and here was a game about being happy and friendly and doing up your house and digging up fossils. It was perfect. It was also a great social game, with my kids loving sending presents to each other, or meeting up with their uncle (who they literally saw only once this year). A great game at just the right time.

The Stream Where it Happens: Mando might have been my TV highlight of the year, but film-wise my favourite new movie was not only not really a movie but was also several years old. Hamilton popped up almost by surprise on Disney+, and it was the first time I’d been able to experience it – and it was just as good as I’d heard. At this point you don’t need me to rhapsodise about the lyricism, performance, staging, and West Wing references; I think you either get it or you don’t, and I got it big time. Weirdly, experiencing it at home made some kind of perfect sense, and it made up for missing out on the big cinematic musicals such as In the Heights and West Side Story.

Fantabulous Harley Quinn: Harley rocked on both the big and the small screen this year. Birds of Prey, or whatever it ended up being called, was actually the last film I saw at the cinema before the Big Shutdown of 2020. It’s not perfect, sure, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun; Margot Robbie is a blast, it’s really funny, and is edgy in just the right way, rather than feeling like it’s trying too hard. I was more sceptical going into the Harley Quinn animated show (starring Penny off The Big Bang Theory, for goodness’ sake!), as “sweary adult Harley Quinn cartoon” is pretty high on my checklist of “things that are trying to be edgy”, but I’m glad I gave it a chance, because it followed a very similar line to the movie. Hilarious, violent, filthy, but also offering a subtle unpeeling of Harley’s psyche and giving her more character development than she gets in most of her comic appearances. It was a great year for Harley. Just wish they’d show the second season of her show.

All This Plus Disney: yeah, I’ve already singled out Mando and Ham (great unmade detective show, there), but I’ve gotta say Disney+ in general has been a huge highlight. From getting all yer Marvels and yer Star Wars in one place, to a wealth of preschool and middle-grade shows for the kids (my youngest mainlined Vampirina this Spring), to being a home for loads of high-quality family films from years gone by (it was the prime destination for many a family movie night), to, well, the future. WandaVision launches in a couple of weeks, followed by dozens of great shows and movies; not just ones about sad superheroes, either – personally I can’t wait for the likes of Chip & Dale. I’ve gotta say, I’ve been really impressed, and once they roll out the sexier, swearier Fox stuff later this year, it’ll only get better.

A Schitt Year: we got into Schitt’s Creek rather late (like many a sitcom – I think we only discovered Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Good Place in the last eighteen months or so), but it’s truly sublime, and it only got better and better as it built towards it joyous climax (ewww, David!). It was a great show about a family of people who were kinda arseholes, but were really very nice underneath it all, and how this town of people who were sorta idiots but kinda nice underneath it all brought out the better natures of everybody. It was, basically, a show about the all-encompassing power of being Nice. I’m so, so happy that it achieved huge success in its final season, winning literally all the Emmys. Hot Schitt.

Top Trek: 2020 was bookended by the two newest incarnations of People Boldly Going, Picard and Discovery. I was super excited to check in with Jean-Luc and pals nearly twenty years since we’d last seen them; although the show wasn’t a Best of Both Worlds-style masterpiece, it presented a believably fractured vision of the Federation, and a sadder, wearier Picard. It got a bit bogged down in Borg stuff, and I wasn’t totally sold on the ending, but I’m very, very eager to spend more time with these characters in future seasons. Discovery, meanwhile, flashed forward, with a season set about 900 years after Picard, and gave us what amounts to the closest Star Trek gets to a dystopia. It took its time settling in, but by crikey it pulled its threads together for a great run of episodes as we gear up to the finale later this week. I’ve very much enjoyed Star Trek on TV this year, and I’m really looking forward to whatever comes next.

Netflickin’ Ass: on the one hand, it was quite nice to see streaming services picking up the slack during the cinema closures, with many films winding up on Prime Video or Netflix or wherever; there were also those “Premium VOD” options, such as Trolls World Tour or Mulan, but I never quite fancied parting with so much cash for a rental (“Only if it’s Black Widow or Wonder Woman,” I said… so, yeah, see you later this month for the latter!). One trend I did notice, however, was Netflix also picking up the slack of “big Hollywood star-driven action movie”. Y’know, the stuff that had Van Damme or Seagal in it in the ‘90s, before everything became franchised (Mission: Impossible could almost fall under this banner, but Cruise became too huge and the series itself eventually was the draw, I’d argue). Anyway, these sorts of films nowadays are low-rent DTV fodder starring slumming former megastars, so fair play to Netflix for resurrecting the genre and giving it a fresh coat of paint and lease of life. Stuff like Extraction and The Old Guard weren’t exactly masterpieces, but they were solidly entertaining with great central performances and some nicely turned-out action. Looking forward to more of the same – bigger, better, and with more people getting killed with rakes!

A Summer of Anticipation: it was a weird year – well, yeah, of course it was, you know, you were there. But one of the things that was weird was that so much was going to happen. I mean, there were loads of things I was looking forward to as the year began; from the MCU and Star Wars shows to big movies, smaller movies, and – of course – new games consoles. And as the year went on, amidst the angsty real-world wait-and-see, there was also a steady drip of news and non-news as we held on to find out which films were pushed back, which were skipping the cinema, and mostly what the games would look like on the new consoles. Barely a week seemed to go by without new rumours, new stories, and new leaked videos or imagery. It was maddening and infuriating but also, weirdly, glorious. This strange ongoing sense of anticipation and wonder, even if quite often the news ended up being disappointing as more and more big hitters slipped to 2021 (everything from Bond to Halo to pretty much the whole MCU). But like an entire year made up of Christmas Eves, it felt for the longest time that anything was possible… just round the corner.

See? It wasn’t all bad. And maybe this year we’ll get to enjoy all the stuff we thought we’d enjoy in 2020! I mean, at the very least, Trump’s gonna be gone… right?

#top ten #2020 #film #tv #disney #hamilton #mandalorian #games #xbox #halo #series x

0 notes

lets-talk-cartoons · 6 years

Text

Rugrats -- The Santa Experience

On the first day of Christmas, lets-talk-cartoons gave to me, the first recap with a Rugrats party!

Ho ho ho dearest followers! It’s December 1st, and you all know what that means -- time to get our Christmas on! I freaking love Christmas. I’m one of those assholes that gets out the decorations as soon as the Thanksgiving food is put away. Christmas is awesome! And one of the best things about Christmas, as Angelica pointed out during the Chanukkah episode, is the Christmas specials! Yes, across all channels and all cartoons, most have some kind of special dedicated to Christmas and winter holidays. Yes, yes, yes. YES! CHRISTMAS! Ahem. This month, I’m going to give you recaps, lists, pictures.. everything our animation loving hearts desire.

So, for our first Christmas recap, I give you... Rugrats: The Santa Experience.

We start off with a kick-ass new remixed Christmas theme, which is awesome and puts you right in the mood. The Rugrats and their parents are at the mall visiting Santa Claus. Chuckie is scared of Santa because he watches you all the time, and I gotta say, I’m with ya, kid. I was kind of scared of Santa too. Also that Elf on the Shelf. Who thought that was a good idea and totally not traumatizing? However, Chuckie is supposed to be a year older than all of them, so shouldn’t he have been through this rodeo before and realized that Santa brings you presents?

Of course Angelica is the first to sit on Santa’s lap, and for Christmas she wants: -A luxurious hair Cynthia doll -A Teenage Fusion Nuclear Squad video game -A Mr. X Exploding Smash-Up Doll -A Beverly Hills Cynthia lunch box -A pony -A 911 Emergency surgical kit with working stethoscope -Deluxe Cynthia Beach house with real working hot tub, satellite dish, entertainment center, and an attached garage. Santa says that’s a lot to ask for, but like, is it? Angelica only asked for seven things, and five of them are pretty attainable. I feel like a lot of kids would probably cry if they only got seven things for Christmas -- you always see the new generation of kids get like five billion things, so I think Angelica’s actually being pretty reasonable here (except for the pony part).

Angelica wonders why Santa doesn’t know all this already, and yanks off his beard, running through the mall screaming that he’s a fake. That’s why at my mall they only hire Santas with real white beards so kids can’t pull that trick anymore. Take that, kids!

The manager of the department store apparently wanted to apologize for “traumatizing” Angelica and gave her a full box of free toys. Oh Lord, I feel bad for that manager. Angelica doesn’t give a rat’s ass that the mall Santa was fake, but Drew is concerned she’s traumatized forever.

Back at the house the parents are discussing how to not traumatize their kids on Christmas. Chaz mentions that his Christmases were disappointing because he only got a rubber glove and a tongue depressor, and hopes it won’t be the same for Chuckie. That makes no sense Chaz, you are the one in control of Chuckie’s Christmas, so obviously it won’t be bad. Also, your parents were ret-conned in the later seasons to be super nice so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Betty gets the idea of renting a cabin in the mountains so they can all have Christmas together and do it right. That actually sounds quite nice to me. Look how excited Chaz and Drew are.

Phil doesn’t know what to get Lil for Christmas, and Angelica discovers capitalism (as well as a Gift of the Magi reference) as she just so happens to have crayons for Lil’s favorite coloring book, which Phil trades his favorite Reptar toy for, because he loves his sister. Aw. Didi can’t seem to book a cabin in the area she wants (probably because it’s a few days before Christmas, dummy -- that’s like the people coming into my work ON THANKSGIVING asking if we had any turkeys. Plan ahead, people!) Both Drew and Chaz are still whining about how their kids’ Christmas is ruined even though neither kid actually cares that much, but Chaz gets the idea of dressing as Santa and surprising the kids by coming down the chimney.

I feel like this is an episode of Good Idea, Bad Idea from Animaniacs. Dressing as Santa? Good idea. Coming down the chimney? Bad idea. This is how people suffocate and die, Chaz. Just use the damn door. Drew puts the kibosh on that idea anyway because he doesn’t see Chaz as a Santa and wants to hire a professional. Dude. Your kid is not that traumatized, just let Chaz do it! Also, apparently Chaz, Drew and Stu all went to school together, because Chaz reminds Drew of their fourth grade play, where he was the ‘lead’ in the Wind and the Willows. (He was the Willow).

Back to the Gift of the Magi reference, Lil is trying to figure out what to get Phil for Christmas, and trades her coloring book for the Reptar space helmet Angelica has. I think Lil got the better deal though, because she can still use the crayons to color on paper, but without his Reptar doll, Phil can’t really do anything with the Reptar space helmet. Also the way Angelica delivers her line, “I’m BAD, Cynthia! REAL BAD!” is hysterical.

Grandpa Lou gathers them all round to tell them about Santa, and tells them that he knows if kids are bad and won’t give them their presents if he knows they did bad things. That freaks out Angelica, but honestly, she should know this already, being three she should have had three Christmases by now. It’s still on her mind when she goes to sleep, and has a nightmare about just getting coal because of the trick she pulled on Phil and Lil. She has a little Scrooge moment when she asks her dad if it’s Christmas yet, and decides she has to reverse the wrong she did if she wants presents.

They all ride up to the cabin, and -- holy shit, THAT is the cabin they rented? That thing is gorgeous! How much did that cost them?! Just a few days before Christmas too??? That is not a cabin, that’s like... a ski lodge or something.

Angelica pulls Phil and Lil aside to talk to them, but before she can, they’re whisked away to cut down their first Christmas tree. Meanwhile, Tommy and Chuckie hatch a plan to catch Santa to see if he’s nice or bad. I love how when they check the chimney they’re like, ‘Eh, nobody in their right mind would try to come down here.’

Didi and Betty take Angelica and the twins to get the tree, and it turns out Didi is extremely picky about trees. Wait a minute, Didi, aren’t you Jewish? I mean I suppose since she’s with Stu and he celebrates Chanukkah with her she can celebrate Christmas with him. She has a little freakout because she finds the perfect tree but then doesn’t want Betty to chop it down. ....Um... aaaalright there Didi. Why don’t you go drink some spiked eggnog and calm down a bit there.

Angelica takes the chance to talk to the twins about presents and apparently is a little confused about the lore, confusing it with Thanksgiving and saying they give presents because the first pilgrims did. She also has a hilarious line about Santa slapping the Easter bunny with a lawsuit.

Since Didi picked a weird hill to die on with that tree, the parents get a fake tree instead. Why didn’t you do that in the first place? They all get together to decorate it, and I’m happy to see they have a popcorn wreath on it which in my opinion is the best of the tree decorations ever.

They have a nice dinner which looks freakin’ awesome, but they notice the babies are getting tired and decide to put them all to bed, upsetting Angelica because she still won’t have a chance to talk to Phil and Lil and fix her “trick.” Also it sure was lucky they just happened to get a cabin with two cribs in it.

Tommy and Chuckie immediately fail at waiting up to see Santa. That’s pretty much what happens to me when I try to stay up all night too. Meanwhile, Chaz sneaks away from the parents caroling and dons his Santa costume. At the same time, Drew calls a place called “The Santa Experience” to ensure the professional Santa is still coming. Why did they wait til the kids were asleep for this? I’m sure The Santa Experience could have sent someone before dinner.

Chaz climbs down the chimney and Tommy locks him in the fireplace, and his struggles freak out the kids. Stu lets him out and he reveals to Chuckie it was just his dad the whole time. Angelica thinks there’s no Santa and therefore is saved, but at that moment the professional Santa decides to show up. AT THE DOOR. See, Chaz, you don’t have to come down the damn chimney, the professional Santas know what they’re doing.

He has presents for all the kids, and Angelica gets the Cynthia house she wanted, not a lump of coal. Phil and Lil get the presents they got for each other, and are touched they gave away special things to get the presents in the first place. Luckily Angelica is feeling the holiday spirit and gives them the Reptar doll and coloring book back.

Drew gets a call from The Santa Experience to say he can’t make it, and they have the classic thing of, “If that wasn’t the Santa I hired... then... who was that?!” It’s sweet on TV, but if it happened in real life I’d be calling the cops.

Angelica plays with her new house, and opens the garage to see if there’s a car inside. There’s not, but there is something. Just the teeniest, tiniest lump of coal.

And that was the legit Santa Experience.

THOUGHTS: This episode is great from beginning to end. The animation looks really great throughout, and you can tell the animators put their best foot forward and really worked hard on this one. The remixed holiday music works great, and really puts you in the mood for the holidays. All of the dialogue is great, especially Angelica’s. The way she screams, “can it? CAN IT?!” to Cynthia while worrying about getting coal is hysterical, as well as yelling “run for your lives!” when she finds out Santa isn’t real, and Chaz screaming about how he was the Willow in Wind of the Willows got a laugh, among tons of other lines. Angelica’s Gift of the Magi-esque plot was really sweet, even though she was just doing it so she would get toys and not coal. I didn’t quite like the B plot of Tommy and Chuckie’s Santa traps as much, but it was still engaging and really fun to watch. Great episode, and great way to kick off the season.

#Rugrats #The Santa Experience #Christmas #recaps #Angelica Pickles #Tommy Pickles #Phil and Lil Deville #Didi Pickles #Stu Pickles #Drew Pickles #Charlotte Pickles #Betty Deville #Chuckie Finster #Chaz Finster #25 Days of Christmas

6 notes · View notes

365days365movies · 3 years

Text

January 6, 2021: Last Action Hero (Part 2)

SPOILERS! And check out Part 1 beforehand! Anyway, let’s go! Got a lot to cover, TRUST me.

So, this movie is incredibly cluttered. Anyway, Slater makes his way to the Fart Bomb, and Practice (makes perfect) is a dirty cop working for Vivaldi. Danny and Slater get chained to a pipe, and I’m still surprised we haven’t even slightly revisited the time Danny got taken hostage about, what, an hour ago? Whiskers the Cat Cop arrives and shoots Salieri, and I weep for the part of my sanity that just died typing that sentence.

I want you to know, I mad that GIF. I had to type “furball problem.” I’m losing it, you guys...and I think I’m enjoying it.

Together, Slater and Danny steal the body of Leo the Fart (HUP, there goes a little more sanity), everybody at the funeral has a gun (including one old woman with a straight-up grenade launcher), and so, SO much property is abused and damaged. In other words, it’s a pretty fun action sequence. Leo drops into a conveniently placed tar pit alongside Jack Slater, and Danny briefly becomes a domestic terrorist by shooting a gun in a public area, WOW, the ‘90s was a different time!

So, it’s at this point that I start getting annoyed by Danny always being meta. I realize that I've been praising it for this, but...yeah, no, it’s starting to get annoying now. Especially considering that we’ve got an hour left in the movie. But, on the bright side, it’s also at this point that Benedict becomes my favorite character. This gorgeous motherfucker kills Vivaldi (whose plan was completely nonsensical, by the way), and then turns to the screen. Charles Dance effortlessly channels the spirit of Shakespeare’s Richard III, Duke of Gloucester, as says this to the audience:

If that little turd, Daniel Madigan, can move through parallel worlds, I can move through parallel worlds. In and out! In, steal whatever I want, and out again! Impossible to catch!

I can add colors to the chameleon, change shapes with Proteus for advantages, AND SET THE MURDEROUS MACHIAVEL TO...Anyway...

Charles Dance is giving his absolute best energies to this role. And this might be a silly movie, but godDAMN is Benedict a great villain for it. It’s immediately followed by the surreal image of a monster truck crashing through the wall of this mansion, and the fight leads to Benedict, Professor Toru Tanaka, Danny, and Jack Slater falling through a portal created by the ticket, and ending up in the real world.

We put Jack’s action-movie world in contrast with the real world, first with little things, and then with a legitimately vicious-looking car accident. Like, wow, it’s a VERY realistic-looking accident. I’d show a GIF of it, but...wow, it’s extremely affecting. Toru dies, and there’s, uh...there’s blood. Man. It’s rough, honestly.

Speaking of affecting, Jack is beginning to understand the true nature of his reality. And Schwarenegger does an OK job pulling that pain off...but like everybody in this movie, his emotions are way calmer than mine would be if I were in his shoes. But there is one character I can identify with: Nick, the theater owner. When he finds out that the ticket works, he starts to talk about the movies he could now visit, the people he could meet. OK, most of them are beautiful female starlets, but still! I get it! Do you know how much I would love to meet Stan Lee? SERIOUSLY? It’d be amazing.

I can also identify with Danny’s mother, who is rightfully PISSED. Seriously, this kid just got assaulted by a robber, brought to the police, and went directly TO THE MOVIE THEATER. GROUND THIS CHILD. GROUND HIM SO GODDAMN HARD.

And then, Benedict experiences the darkest part of the real world, and Dance again shows his talent. He begins by showing surprise and mild horror at the depravity of an early 1990s New York City (a little more dramatically bad than it was in real life at this point, but still), then sees a man assaulted (and possibly killed) for his shoes. He remarks at this in horror...then realizes that the police don’t come as quickly as they do in his film universe. He experiments by killing a man in cold blood, in public, and no one stops him.

Upon realizing his potential freedom in this world...he makes a plan. He uses the ticket, and brings back...the Ripper. ANY OTHER MOVIE VILLAIN? Dracula? Freddy Kreuger? Jason? Like...nobody? That is...such a missed opportunity, goddamn. Anyway, their plan is to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger. As in the REAL Arnold Schwarzenegger, who actually appears upon his real-life wife at the time Maria goddamn Shriver! Which...yeah, that’s cool, but...the amount of celebrity cameos in this scene is, frankly, INSANE.

Here’s a list: Little Richard, Jim Belushi, Damon Wayans, Chevy Chase, JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, MC Hammer. And that’s not counting Tina Turner (the mayor earlier), Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Joan Plowright, and...well, I’ll save the best for last.

I haven’t even mentioned the development of Slater’s as a three-dimensional character in multiple different ways; the Ripper showing up at the movie premiere alongside the movie actor, Tom Noonan; the Ripper KILLING NOONAN’S REAL WORLD AGENT...

This movie is insane. So much to cover, and yet it’s SUCH A LONG GODDAMN MOVIE. This movie is 2 hours and 11 minutes long! SERIOUSLY! I am tired, I gots to go to BEEEEED. Let’s get this climax over with, shall we? Arnold Schwarzenegger meets Jack Slater in some REALLY seamless effect work (this movie has actually aged SO well, damn), the Ripper kidnaps Danny and brings him to the roof of the theater, in a bid to reenact their old battle. Some meta dialogue takes place from the Ripper, and he THROWS DANNY OFF THE ROOF. Noonan’s also actually pretty good at playing this unhinged, Joker-esque maniac, by the way.

Jack kills the Ripper (again), and Danny’s saved from falling by Jack, just in time for Benedict to show up and make my day once more. He expounds the true potential of the ticket and film villains (frustrating me even more), while also chewing the scenery splendidly. He points out that any movie villain would love the real world, noting that in this world, the bad guys win. He shoots Jack Slater, and as he’s about to win, Slater shoots him in the eye, resulting in this shot.

Nice.

But he drops the ticket, which lands near a theater showing the classic Ingmar Bergman film, The Seventh Seal, a movie which is on my list for Drama December. Or maybe Experimental June, I haven’t decided yet. Anyway, the ticket activates in front of that theater and...that’s Ian fucking McKellen.

THAT IS IAN. FUCKING. MCKELLEN. PLAYING INGMAR BERGMAN’S DEATH. WHAT. HOLY SHIT. And that happens just as Slater is literally about to die in the ambulance, and Danny summons his domestic terrorist impulses again, whipping out a gun and hijacking the ambulance to get Jack back to the theater. Meanwhile, Ian McKellen just KILLS a dude on the street, because this movie is secretly AMAZING. DeathKellen follows the ambulance to Nick’s movie theater as Jack is dying. Leading to one of the most surreal things I’ve ever seen.

McKellen fucking TAKES this movie as an omnipotent death, and is essentially Death ex Machina. My God. This movie is the silliest, craziest, wackiest, most nonsensical, crazy movie that I’ve seen...and goddamn does it have some amazingly great moments. To the extent that I only just realized that the fucking cartoon cat is voiced by DANNY FUCKING DEVITO. WHAT. THE FUCK.

And all of this is also running over the almost completely ignored fact that Danny is still greatly saddened about the death of his father. And this film completely passes that fact over. Like I said, there’s so much extra folderol in the film, and it really did have the chance to be this emotional, existential epic. But sadly...it’s kind of all over the place.

Anyway, Jack’s back in the movie, where his wounds heal, and he now has a new understanding of his own fictional existence. He officially becomes the meta. And also ruins the Jack Slater franchise forever. Yeah, uh...the franchise has literally become self aware. And that’s not gonna be a good thing for the movie.

And that’s Last Action Hero! Epilogue coming in a few hours, so stay tuned for that. And I gotta tell you...I have some words to say about this movie. Some great, and some...stay tuned.

6 notes · View notes

rantsaboutponies · 6 years

Text

Season 7 Retrospective

Well, we’re between highly anticipated movie releases this weekend (for me, anyway), so it’s time for our annual look back over the season!

Good lord, the beginning of Season 7 seemed like so long ago. I could have sworn the Flurry Heart episode was last season. Maybe this has just been a really long year. Well...okay, yeah, I can certainly see why it would feel that way, given the year this has been.

With a rating of 4-9-13 (W-L-T), this season must have been better than the last one, even if it didn’t feel like it. Season 8 is forthcoming, so how long before Hasbro gives up and reboots the series again? Only time will tell.

So, here we are. From best to worst:

#1. “Secrets and Pies”: This episode was...good? Like, really, really good? Why? I don’t get it! I wouldn't be so confused if you guys did this more often! I swear, the next time this happens, I'm going to get whiplash!

#2. “Rock Solid Friendship”: To complement the really good Pinkie Pie episode, here’s an episode that was really good in every way except Pinkie Pie! They’re at exact opposite ends of the season, too. Maybe it’s an equivalent exchange thing.

#3. “Triple Threat”: I thought this episode did a pretty good job of avoiding the “why don’t you just tell them?” problem that virtually every episode of every sitcom runs into. We’ve already established that Thorax is a whiny little milquetoast weenie and that Ember is a heinous prick who doesn’t listen to anybody but herself. Hell, that was the entire reason for the conflict in the first place! Honestly, why would Spike try to reason with either of them?

#4. “To Change a Changeling”: If the monster hadn’t turned out to be a giant mole, the ending battle might have seemed a little more life-threatening. That, Starlight’s very, very stupid plan, and Pharynx’s abusive ass made this episode a little worse than it should have been. Apart from that, though, I liked it!

And now here’s the hardest part of the list: trying to figure out which “tie” episodes were slightly better or worse than all the others.

#5. “Once Upon a Zeppelin”: Yeah, Twilight’s parents were annoying (and idiots), but not to the point that I’m going to dread them ever showing up in any future episodes (unlikely as that is at this point). Plus, bringing back Iron Will actually seemed to have a point, and it helped that he didn’t have to “unlearn” his lesson from his first appearance just to make the current episode make sense.

#6. “Uncommon Bond”: This episode went out of its way to prove that yes, Starlight and Sunburst really do have only one thing in common. I would have expected the resolution to be the realization that the two of them liked more things than just that board game, but nope! Giant version! That’s it!

#7. “Daring Done?”: I was so distracted this episode that I forgot to mention that Pinkie Pie was actually acting like Pinkie Pie and not an annoying little shitbag! It was refreshing! But anyway, you’d think Daring-Do would have written enough books by this point to realize the obvious tropes this episode followed. The real challenge for her is going to be stretching this adventure out to novel-length.

#8. “Discordant Harmony”: I’m still not sure what made Discord think he needed to change a bunch of shit about his house to make Fluttershy happy. It looked the same way he made her house look every time he visited her. What did he think she was expecting?

#9. “A Health of Information”: This is the second episode in a row on this list where Fluttershy acted kind of like a doofus throughout the episode for no discernible reason. It also proved that unicorns are the solution to everything. Need to grab some moss from a swamp without falling in? Unicorn! Need to collect honey from the flash bees without going anywhere near them? Unicorn! Need to destroy an entire planet without breaking a sweat? Unicron!

#10 & #11. “Shadow Play (Parts 1 and 2)”: The first half fools you into thinking this isn’t just going to be a run-of-the-mill finale episode by promising you a halfway interesting quest before immediately giving you all the artifacts within a few minutes. Ha! Gotcha!

#12. “Hard to Say Anything”: I’d kind of hoped we were past the whole “two men competing for the trophy that is the personality-deprived female character” cliché, especially in a show designed for children, but I guess not. I mean, at least Big Mac and Feather do realize that’s what they’re doing by the end, but that doesn’t fix Sugar Belle’s “sexy lamp” issue.

#13. “A Royal Problem”: Has Twilight been of help to any friendship-related issues since she stopped being the main character? I think these episodes must be based on Twilight's memoirs, i.e. this isn't how things actually happened; this is how she remembers them happening. Here's what really happened during "Magical Mystery Cure":

Twilight Sparkle: So...I accidentally totally and completely fucked up my friends’ lives, but then I fixed it! That means I'm good at having friends, right?

Princess Celestia (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, you're a regular princess of friendship.

Twilight Sparkle: *gasp* Really?!

Princess Celestia: Oh, no, I didn't mean– Ah, crap, the music's already started. ♫ You've come such a long, long way... ♫

Princess Celestia (mentally): I've really got to stop using the word “princess” as an insult. This is the third one this week. I'm running out of castles! She'll just have to stay in the library until I can find another one.

#14. “All Bottled Up”: This episode is a perfect example of why the writers typically just don’t include characters in an episode if they have nothing to do in said episode. That escape room nonsense was just stupid. The six of you might be best friends, but you have never gotten along that well!

#15. “Celestial Advice”: Ugh, this one. “As a teacher, I have to send my student away. I don’t know exactly why I have to do that, but I’m sure I’ll figure the reason out later. Oh, wait, you don’t want to leave? Well, that changes everything! You can stay!” I think they were making this one up as they went along.

#16. “The Perfect Pear”: One of the emptiest “love” stories I’ve ever seen. This was an “attraction story”, if you can even call it that. This is another case where I’m positive that at least a hundred better fanfics had been written about this exact story before the episode was released. I get why people have headcanons about things now. Why wouldn’t you have a fanon when the canon is so...weak?

#17. “Honest Apple”: Once again, we have a brand-new writer for this episode. Kevin Lappin was very likely just given a slip of paper with “APPLEJACK = HONEST” written on it, which constituted the entire material he had to work with. That might explain why Applejack was such an unlikable prick for the entire episode.

Whoo... All right. Here we go.

#18. “A Flurry of Emotions”: If you don’t want to watch your kid (because, seriously, you’ve got better things to do), just show up at one of your relatives’ houses one day and dump it on them. They’ll have such a guilt trip that they’ll be glad to accept! But make sure it’s someone who’s completely unqualified for the job and has a mountain of other responsibilities first. That’s the best way!

#19. “Campfire Tales”: The fact that this episode was actually just a clunky setup for the finale might explain why all three stories sucked so hard. It’s this season’s The Mummy!

#20. “Not Asking for Trouble”: Now we’re going to get into the part of the list where I have to figure out which episodes are worse by balancing how much the episode irritated me in general with how toxic the moral is. Trust me, if your children’s show has a moral of “Do what you want to do for other people, regardless of what those people have explicitly told you not to do, because you’ll end up being right in the end. After all, people don’t know what they want!”, you’ve fucked up something awful.

#21. “Fluttershy Leans In”: I said in this review that this felt like the MLP version of The Fountainhead, but I only just recently realized that I also said the same thing about Season 5's "Canterlot Boutique". Given that the episodes were written by different people, this must be a storyline that creative types really like (even if it’s nothing more than a power fantasy).

#22. “It Isn’t the Mane Thing About You”: All right, you actually had a good idea with this one. Despite being the Element of Generosity, one of Rarity's main problems has always been her vanity. That means you pulled off the rare feat of making the moral both 1. something the character hasn't already learned in a previous episode and 2. something that a normal functioning member of society might not automatically possess. (There has been a distressing number of lessons in the past five seasons or so that don't fit one or both of these qualifications.) It's just a shame you crashed and burned so spectacularly by 1. turning the moral from “don't be vain” to “have confidence” (something Rarity has never struggled with AND which you have already had as the moral in MULTIPLE previous episodes) and 2. went about it in the most nonsensical way possible!

#23. “Parental Glideance”: This one was a little sickening. The “my parents are so embarrassing!” trope is bad enough, but you’re an adult, Rainbow Dash! Grow up! If the things your parents are doing embarrass you (or if they’re legitimately dangerous, like SHOOTING FIREWORKS OFF AT AN AIRSHOW), talk to them! You can do that without snapping and acting like a dick!

#24. “Forever Filly”: Holy crap, I have never wanted to punch a fictional cartoon character in the face as badly as I did in this episode. I don’t know what made Sweetie Belle act like such a little shit or why Rarity is so out of touch with her (seeing as Sweetie Belle would have had to have been about four to be into the stuff she was trying to do), but I hated this. Shove your black box experimental theater up your ass.

#25. “Marks and Recreation”: I got the sense from the beginning of the series that cutie marks were originally supposed to be something really deep and meaningful. I mean, they’re your passion. They represent that thing that you love so much and are so good at that you can spend the rest of your life doing it and wearing a permanent symbol of it on your body. Well, not anymore! Now it’s just some obligatory shit that you get because you have to and that doesn’t have any real meaning at all! Fuck you! Just...fuck you!

#26. “Fame and Misfortune”: Yeah, no surprise there. Holy shit, this was a painful experience. Like “Stranger Than Fan Fiction”, this was just embarrassing to watch. To quote somebody else, “...you don't get back at critics by attacking them, you do it by ignoring them and continuing to be awesome.” Hell, this episode's moral is contradicted by its own existence. “You shouldn't be affected by criticism of your work. That’s why I wrote this episode where all my critics are painted as raving lunatics and I am totally the victim!” The fact that this is the SECOND such episode is just pathetic. This one actually manages to be worse, though, because, unlike the earlier episode when it was just Quibble Pants being a dick, this one paints the ENTIRE fandom as either complaining whiners who hate everything or creepy stalkers who follow everywhere you go. Nothing says “we want you to keep watching” like insulting the few fans you have left right to their face!

Remember, next week is the review of the remaining six Equestria Girls: Summertime Shorts. Be there!

#my little pony: friendship is magic #my little pony friendship is magic #my little pony #friendship is magic #mlp fim #mlp #fim #my little pony spoilers #mlp spoilers #spoilers #season 7 retrospective #retrospective

5 notes · View notes

renaroo · 7 years

Text

Wednesday Roundup 28.6.2017

First off, I’m going to pump myself up some because I just read an incredible number of comics within one day or so in order to get this review out on time and for once I actually managed it so hoora for me. Second off, holy crap a lot of my comics came out this week and I was kinda slammed and didn’t really realize it until it was happening and suddenly it was a whole lot of “uh oh” but that’s just me, my ridiculousness, and talking about sheer volume.

The real question here is, how did everything shape up this week? And if everything was good what was the best? And at this point do you all even trust my judgment to say what best is anymore lol

Guess there’s one way to find out!

DC’s Batman Beyond, Image’s Black Magick, DC’s Detective Comics, IDW’s Ghostbusters 101, Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, DC’s New Super-Man, Kodansha’s Princess Jellyfish, Image’s Saga, IDW’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light, DC’s Wonder Woman

DC’s Batman Beyond (2016-present) #9 Dan Jurgens, Bernard Chang, Marcelo Maiolo

*long sobbing sighs are heard from the south of Alabama*

Okay, look. I have always prided myself on the fact that I’m not one of those comic fans that will buy just anything because my favorite characters showed up for three seconds one time in a splash page. I never consider myself someone who reads comics the way people read newspapers — just casually interested in the newest updates on this fictional world I follow at a distance. I come for the story and the characterizations and if they’re not there I won’t waste time and money. I mean there’s a lot of Dick Grayson comics I’ve flat-out ignored over the years and he’s one of my favorite fictional characters. Period!

But there’s… exceptions I can’t stop myself from.

Cassandra Cain, obviously. I make a point of owning everything with Cass in it. But the other is… I can’t avoid Batman Beyond. There is no part of me that can give up on Terry McGinnis, there’s a child in me who will always think of him first as Batman, who will always owe that cartoon for getting me even remotely interested in comics outside of Spider-Man and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I am a sucker for Terry McGinnis and I can’t help it.

which makes it suck that much more that he’s had basically no good comics featuring him since… 2008? 2009ish? And what’s decent ends up irritating me or making me have to turn against it because of the shit treatment other characters I like get.

Before it was Dick and Barbara I was up in arms for.

Now it’s Damian.

The more they try to retroactively shove the main DCU continuity into the DCAU Batman Beyond universe, the less sense it all makes and the more they have to warp characters we love. This Damian might as well have walked right off the pages of Batman and Son because he apparently has lacked all growth and humanity that Damian has achieved — has earned — in the last several years of comics, preboot and DEFINITELY post-New52 and Rebirth.

So that bears the question of what’s the point.

My “what ifs” from last issue of wondering if Damian is somehow controlled by his spinal implants again, that maybe Ra’s al Ghul took over his body the way DCAU Ra’s had Talia — those that I was fearful of now seem more respectful of his character than what seems to be the answer we have instead.

I have a feeling this conclusion is going to get me raging.

But because I am a sucker, because I am a ridiculous fangirl, I’m going to keep buying the things that hurt me. gdi Batman Beyond, can you be good again

Image’s Black Magick (2015-present) #6 Greg Rucka, Nicola Scott

Okay but like…

Goddamn there’s no comic like a Greg Rucka comic oh my god.

Alright so I’ve always been a fan of Rucka’s creator owned works and I think they’re easily some of his best works which, as a fan, is really saying something on my part, but I have been utterly amazed by how good Black Magick has been and how Rucka just has this incredibly unique way of making every issue feel complete even while it’s part of a longer storyline. Every issue counts and I feel that in this issue almost as pure as I’ve ever felt it before.

Greg Rucka: he just gets comics.

In all seriousness, this interesting take on how magick works and how Rowan’s life specifically has been affected by her introduction to her long lineage’s powers — especially in light of what we know about present day Rowan Black and how she has not lived up to her potential as a witch just yet — comes together so well here. And I say that as someone who doesn’t really like flashbacks all that much in storytelling.

That being said, I’m so glad that this storyline is all in flashback and doesn’t have us whipping back and forth across timelines because I’ve gotten a lot of flashback fatigue from comics and movies lately. This is a nice, solid ground to stand on if we’re going into backstory territory.

DC’s Detective Comics (2016-present) #959 James Tynion IV, Alvaro Martinez, Raul Fernandez, Brad Anderson

Alright, so I’m beginning to question about how the continuity of the various Bat titles are lining up anymore because, as we just went over a week? Two weeks ago? Bruce had just proposed to Selina. But now we’re getting some heavy flirtations with Zatanna here. Now, I’m all for threesomes and I actually multiship Bruce quite a bit and that includes shipping him with both Selina and with Zatanna, but this is kinda… stepping on the toes of whatever King’s doing. Which fine whatever. I’ll be honest, I’ve had a soft spot for longtime friendship and childhood crosshairs between Bruce and Zatanna thanks to how much I still just adore Paul Dini’s run on Detective Comics (1938-2011). So this pleases me almost despite myself.

That being said, there’s still a lot of unevenness in this story at the moment. Even with the cast diminishing through deaths and quitting and whatever, we have a lot of characters factoring in and out of the storylines from one to the next. It feels like we very barely have time to establish what everyone’s relationships are before we start hinting at even more shakeups. Are Jean Paul and Luke’s friendship going to be busted up after only a few issues of contact between them? Is Clayface considering taking up the doctor’s idea of a cure so soon after I still haven’t figured out why he’s even here? Is Tim’s not-death ever going to be brought up again before Bruce does something truly stupid?

And then there’s just that… looming threat of the summer event I just know is going to come up at some point.

There’s a lot of good in this issue, and I don’t want to knock it, it’s actually one of the more decent mid-story issues that Tynion’s produced so far. And I’ve been harping on him for that from the beginning so that’s saying something from me. And I thought the art this issue was actually very consistent and well done overall, even if I have to wonder how many times has everyone in the Batfamily stood in a perfect pose with a Batfan on them for the computer to scan and give a perfectly COOL holographic image of themselves. But that’s me being silly and questioning superhero world logic. A truly terrible road to go down.

A very interesting issue and I’m curious to see how the storyline with Bruce ties into the storyline about Jean Paul’s struggles with his religion and how his past has warped it. Not that… as a Catholic those… struggles ring true… or anything.

Anyway, seal of approval and waiting for the story to continue on!

DC’s Ghostbusters 101 (2017-present) #4 Erik Burnham, Dan Schoening, Luis Antonio Delgado

Alright, so IDW is just kicking ass with their properties this week and I honestly think that there’s nothing better to combat the absolute bile and grossness that was the internet fanboys of the Ghostbusters circles more than seeing just how amazing and interesting Burnham and Schoening have made this team up with all generations of Ghostbusters at once.

Erin and Holtzy definitely take the cake this issue and there’s a lot of fun, especially with how the Ghostbusters of different universes compare equipment, ghosts, and methodologies as they address one thing about the 2016 movie that actually did bother me quite a bit which was that the ladies just kept… dispersing ghosts and not capturing them where all incarnations before had made a point of the “conservation of ghost matter” or whatever before — establishing that ghosts would just reappear en masse if not absorbed and captured. The explanation was actually rather witty and made perfect sense with the narrative of the 2016 movie, actually.

One of my favorite aspects, though, has to be how many in-jokes they manage. Erin’s neuroses and figuring out how the various cameos in their universe fits into the original’s universe, the joke about Caddy Shack, and just so much more.

It was a really fun issue and I hope people are picking this up and giving it a chance, especially if you enjoyed the 2016 movie, and especially especially if you didn’t but are willing to see the potential that team had all along.

Marvel’s Moon Girls and Devil Dinosaurs (2015-present) #20 Brandon Montclare, Natacha Bustos, Tamra Bonvillian

It’s amazing that Marvel is ruining properties by turning them into evil Nazi stand-ins and warping everything good to come out of Marvel’s initial inception while, in the meantime, they have such good and pure creators making a story like Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur who give us fantastic all-age stories with beautiful art, a lovable and flawed main heroine, and an honestly rather mature and disquieting storyline.

A kids comic where she learns she can’t save everyone. And it’s still poignant and beautiful. It’s still powerful and speaks on a child’s level.

But it sets up for the first time that Lunella, wonderful and smart and brave as she might be, is imperfect. She can’t save the world (or, in this case, the moon) by herself and she can’t always appreciate people’s feelings and their deserving of her empathy until she works on it. She’s been trying so hard to prove herself and show how good she is at everything, she’s allowed herself to stop thinking of everyone as her equal.

So much so that her replacement with an unfeeling robot only gets mild suspicions from her friends at school.

who hilariously know about Lunella’s super identity and her powers because fourth graders can’t keep secrets and i love that.

It’s just such a good story and it’s remarkable that we live in a time where Lunella Lafayette gets to be kids’ introduction to comic books.

DC’s New Super-Man (2016-present) Vol. 1: Made in China Gene Luen Yang, Viktor Bogdanovic, Richard Friend

Kong Kenan is the New Super-Man of China and he could not be more of a change from the status quo of the American superhero archetype of Superman if he tried! Now, that’s not completely fair, obviously there’s quite a bit of convention bending to the genre in this story right from the start, but honestly it felt from the start like a very honest look at just what superheroes would mean for the world outside of America once the Justice League appeared and changed everything. And why wouldn’t other countries be scrambling to make sure that they could compete with not just the rising threat of super villains, but with the potential firepower that would be superheroes representing and being beholden to other countries.

DC and Marvel both have made varying attempts to answer those questions themselves over the years, and Kenan doesn’t serve as the first Chinese superhero in the DCU, but this is definitely the first time I as a reader felt like I was reading an experience and perspective outside of my own. Usually there’s a lens or veneer to these attempts to expand superheroes outside of the US that’s pretty transparent — they’re either very rarely seen or explored and so lend themselves to vague understandings of other cultures (such as The Great Ten in the preboot) or they’re Americanized in some way, usually by having them join a team of characters that are from the American perspective (Bushido from Super Friends) or having them come to move to America and have the whole experience of being an immigrant or student work visa (Ryan Choi’s The Atom).

For me, it felt like New Super-Man is taking the very notable effort of examining a purely Chinese character and setting from that perspective and building off of the uniqueness inherently built in that, but also showing how Chinese people’s views of the West and of American superheroes would reflect in their own attempts to make a superhero for themselves. And why Kenan, while initially seeming to be unfit to be a Super-Man given a history of being rather haphazard and a bully, could actually bridge that gap and provide a really interesting story of learning what being a superhero means for a culture so different from America’s own.

At least, that’s my take on it. While I’m happy to boast about the fact that I’m from a family of immigrants in America myself, I’m still a product of the West and Europe, and I’m reading the New Super-Man with that perspective, and assumedly a lot of other readers are, too. So it’s hard for me to tell how accurate my takeaway is here.

I’m only fleetingly familiar with previous works by Gene Luen Yang, but I have to give him major props here. I’m more familiar with his work with the Avatar: The Last Airbender comics than I am with his more acclaimed work (American Born Chinese and Boxers & Saints) which I desperately need to fix, but I have no doubt in his abilities to portray characters which are good but fundamentally flawed. That was a trademark of his works that I have read, and he really brings that to life in New Super-Man with Kenan. He is a very flawed, very human character that relates to readers based on personality before the differences between America and China can even be brought up in the narrative. And that’s what really made this a fantastic read by the end.

I’m very interested to see where this story continues with Vol. 2 and hope that the reader base for this story grows along with Kenan’s character.

After all, right now the world could use a Flawed But Good Super-Man almost as much as it could use a Chinese Super-Man.

Kodansha’s Princess Jellyfish (2008-present) Chapter 82 Akiko Higashimura

I believe that it’s pretty obvious, the further we go along with my comics reading and these reviews, that I had a pretty large variety of comic tastes. And really that just has to be indicative of my feelings about narratives in general. There’s a lot of things I appreciate about media’s ability to tell stories, and good stories and good characters, for me, almost always trump genres at the end of the day.

And I have loved Princess Jellyfish since the 12 episode anime adaptation of the first arc aired back when I was in college and @red-dye-number-five and I squealingly watched it as it came out.

The series is very soothing for me to read and this chapter was no different in that way. I have no interest in fashion, but the story of this found-family of adult women blundering their way through the world of fashion to save their community and home speaks to me. I really hate love triangles, but the complexities of the relationships between Tuskimi, Shu, and Kuronosuke has made for some of the most interesting and fascinating dynamics I’ve seen in a romance drama. And while I don’t usually go for coming-out stories anymore, the difficulties and self doubt and guilt we see with Kuronosuke over and over again as he tries to find his personal comfort with his gender and sexuality is honestly heart wrenching and I’m fully invested with.

I enjoy this series so much and as usual we have another chapter that fully delivers on its continued promises. This isn’t a perfect series, but for me it is a bit of chicken soup in the middle of the difficulties of life.

Image’s Saga (2011-present) #44 Brian K. Vaughan, Fiona Staples

I think in twenty, thirty years, we’re going to look back and find that the generation of comics that have come about in the 2010s have changed the medium to a diverse haven of storytelling that comics hasn’t honestly enjoyed since the Comics Code and so on. And thank god for it because we get to read Saga as it’s being published and experience it as the true game changer that it is.

We are experiencing a storyline, from the perspective of a woman, who has to undergo a medical abortion, is being sent on a trial of Jobe for it because of the regressive tendencies and behaviors of her own people, and getting to see how much that burden is adding onto her own torment. We rarely get stories about abortion let alone ones where it’s from the woman’s prospective, is pro-abortion but also honest about its difficulties, and clearly shows avid anti-abortion rhetoric and laws as being crippling and more hurtful to those going through the ordeal than helpful.

It is… unfortunately very relevant to our times.

As is all of Saga’s storytelling. People see the nudity and violence and sex and gore every issue and what I love about Saga is that those things are so average, so unremarkable, that the actual mature content like addiction, prejudice, racism, homophobia, transphobia, infidelity, parenthood, and everything else in between is given the gravitas and exceptionalism it deserves outside of the seedy details that too often help the important points get lost in other lotted “mature” content.

In other words, there’s so much peeing on beds that we don’t lose track of the intrigue of money laundering and collusion as the real stories.

IDW’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2011-present) #71 Kevin Eastman, Tom Waltz, Dave Wachter, Ronda Pattison

There’s not a whole lot to say about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles usually because, as with the best comics with the most consistent quality, they just are great and just should be read and there’s hardly much else I can say about why if you haven’t been sold on it already. It’s like me trying to explain to people why they should read Usagi Yojimbo. If you’re not reading it already I don’t know what I can say to make it understandable how much you need to read it.

That being said, this is a slow issue compared to TMNT’s usual action packed fare. And I think that’s for good reason. We need buffer time between stories, this is part one of a two-parter which provides just that, and it spends its entire time building on the lore and mythology of the world of TMNT as it has been realized by IDW. And it’s fascinating and complex and meaningful.

And of course as a mythology junkie I adored every second of it — learning about the Pantheon and the gods of this universe was fascinating and knowing how various previous canons of TMNT are being incorporated to provide it is amazing (I especially love Jagwar’s new self I’m in love). It was fascinating, as has been the amount of love Eastman and Waltz have shown TMNT overall.

It’s a good comic, a slow comic, but good. And I really enjoyed the read. Definitely something different added to today’s pretty sizable pot.

IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light (2016-present) #7 James Roberts, John Wycough, Jack Lawrence, Joana Lafuente

You know that vin diagram that’s things that are okay and then this over waaaaayyyyyy on the outside? Okay. Good. Because that’s what this issue is for me. Holy shit. My emotions have been played like a fiddle and I am sick and engrossed and devastated and uplifted and there are things that I cannot say or do or what. WHAT.

Okay so I wasn’t entirely sold on this recent storyline opening up the Lost Light, if I’m completely honest. I share a lot of the concerns I’ve seen other fans show with regards to just how much retconning of a pretty unforgivable past Megatron has been shown to have in canon prior to 2011 and how he’s being handled now. And this storyline in a lot of ways was both a redirection to what Transformers should always be about — the fighting of fascism — but also felt like we were going a step too far into the department of “see! Megatron wasn’t the REAL evil fascist, here’s what cartoonishly evil fascists REALLY look like” so as much as I enjoyed this story and as much as I really admire James Roberts’ writing in general, I was on the fence about what to feel about everything that had gone down.

Which made the fact that he took the time to dedicate an entire issue to the aftermath, gauging all the different reactions to the plots that had emerged, giving me a new lesbian couple and bypassing the gross route of having one remember and the other not, and then hammering in the Cygate romance to a conclusion I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WANT OR NEED BUT AM TOTALLY INVESTED IN…. it’s not just cathartic. For the first time I genuinely feel like the sharpness, wit, depth of character, and real solid execution is back to the standards of what I still consider to be my favorite work of JRo’s which was MTMTE Season 1.

This was just… so much to take in, and so fast, and I swear not an inch of panel was wasted. I’m hoping that this means the pace is picked back up, the course is put back on track, and we return to what was making the characters so fantastic and loving and… oh yeah

TOTAL FRIDGE HORROR FOR THOSE OF US WITH CLAUSTROPHOBIA

I really liked this issue. It’s definitely my favorite of Lost Light so far and has me looking super forward to what happens next. Which is something I desperately needed since I learned Till All Are One, which has honestly been my favorite TF comic for the past year, is ending soon.

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016-present) #25 Greg Rucka, Bilquis Evely, Liam Sharp, Romulo Fajardo Jr.

I have been curious since the announcement of Rucka’s departure from the title just how he was going to pull together his past and present storylines, how things were going to end up. And I have been met with the answers which are large, satisfying, and a bit saddening in knowing that we’re quickly approaching the end.

The idea that, without the lasso, something is simply missing from Diana and her life feels like a great commentary on Wonder Woman herself, and what not only embracing her history and iconography means for the character but what it means for her personality itself. Without the lasso, without her faith, without the support of the Amazons at her back, Diana is shorter with her temper, more quick to anger, more brutal. And it’s not her, it the her that people have tried for decades to turn her into to suit their interpretation of what a Wonder Woman should be. And it’s concerning to the people who love her — here exemplified in Steve, Etta, Bruce, and Clark — and unhelpful to the enemies who require her sense of compassion and understanding, which is what nearly all of Diana’s enemies have been constructed to show — here Cheetah and Veronica Cale.

She’s simply not Wonder Woman without those things, and it’s such a relief to have a modern writer with the caliber of Greg Rucka portraying that in a deft and almost poetic way as it has been in this title and especially in this wrap up issue. It makes me happy to have the character of Wonder Woman brought back to herself on the terms of someone who has as much love and respect for her as Rucka does.

It was a good issue, and while I will be the first to say that this run hasn’t been perfect and that Rucka’s shown some genuine problems in his writing through it, I am sad to see it all coming toward its end.

So if I had to sum up this week’s comics as a whole I would just say that I was smacked with a whole lot of emotions all across the spectrum. But as I consider it tonight and really think about what has stuck with me the most in the aftermath of getting through them all, I really can’t understate how much Transformers: Lost Light threw me through about twenty different loops -- I mean the subplot of Cyclonus and Tailgate’s romance alone would earn that spot of just WOW but literally every character, every development, every scene blew me away this week and it really uplifted me to enjoy the read as much as I did again.

But that’s just my opinion. What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Think I missed something this week I should’ve picked up? I’d love to hear from you on it.

Until then, here’s to another Wednesday full of comics!

#Rena Roundups #SPOILERS #Wednesday Spoilers #Princess Jellyfish #New Superman (2016 )#Wonder Woman (2016 )#Detective Comics (2016 )#Batman Beyond (2016 )#Transformers: Lost Light #Ghostbusters 101 #Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur (2015 )#Black Magick #Saga

6 notes · View notes

matt-i-guess · 7 years

Text

Tagged by @turtletot43 thank you!

Post 10 of my favorite characters from different fandoms, in no particular order, and tag 10 people.

This was much harder than I thought it would be,because my favorite characters change with my mood. So a lot of these aren’t set in stone, it’s just how I feel at the moment, and if I was asked this again, it would probably be totally different, but here we go:

1. Darth Bane - Star Wars (Legends)

(image copied from Wookiepedia, but its from the cover of Path of Destruction, i put this second image because I’m not a huge fan of his Clone Wars appearance)

Darth Bane is one of my favorite Star Wars characters. After reading the books I just love his transformation from Dessel, a victim of abuse by a drunken father, into Darth Bane, Lord of the Sith and creator of the Rule of Two. Its fascinating to read and I love how book one of the Bane trilogy is just him first becoming Lord of the Sith, with the next to being him training his apprentice, Darth Zannah.

Especially in Path of Destruction, I love watching him have no place in the universe, to finding a place where he fits in and has friends, to having all of that ripped away from him, to finding his place among the Sith, then his eventual creation of the Rule of Two, and what that entails.

Honestly, I could go on and on and on for hours and hours about Darth Bane and how I personally think Sheev Palpatine isn’t worth of being a Sith under Bane’s Rule of Two, but I’ve got other characters to get to. I’ll try to keep opinions and thoughts more brief in the future. -----------

2. Linda-058 - Halo

I love Linda. It’s as simple as that. In the books I just love her interactions with the other Spartans, particularly John/ To be honest I ship with with John much more than I ship John and Kelly, like a lot of people do.

Due to her being such a quiet character, and being one of 4 main Spartans, she doesn’t get as much time in the spotlight as I would like. But I love her and that’s that.

------------

3. Jaime Lannister - A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones

It was a toss up between Jaime and Jorrah, but today I was feeling Jaime. To be honest, I’m not sure what draws me to Jaime. He just fascinates me, particularity as he tries to do what he wants to do, what he thinks he should do, what his heart tells him to do, etc etc. It seems like there is so much pulling on him to do one thing or the other, I’m just always interested to see what he;s going to do. In both the books and the show, though I personally find him a little more interesting in the books, but that maybe just be because we actually get to see things from his point of view sometimes.

----------

4. Geralt of Rivia - The Witcher

Now, to be fair, I’ve only played The Witcher 3, but OH MY GOD it is so goood! And Geralt is such a fun character for me. Now part of why I liked him may just be because of how I played him, but I don’t care. I like his humor, I like his determination. I like how even though he’s a hardened monster hunter, he still does things like have snow ball fights or have horse races.

Again, I’m sure part of it is just because of how I played him, but I can’t wait to keep playing him when I start of Hearts of Stone, and then Blood and Wine.

----------

5. Goliath - Gargoyles

I just love Gargoyles in general (everyone should watch it ). But I particularly love Goliath (voice by Keith David aka Captain Anderson from Mass Effect, and Thel Vadam from Halo). I love how interacts with everyone around him. Particularly how hopeful he is that he can keep his family safe, and how he is willing to trust people again, even though some bad shit happened in his past. And I know it’s a Disney cartoon and Disney can get dark sometimes, but DAMN Disney got dark with this show.

Gargoyles is great, Goliath is great. Watch the show.

---------

6. Lyndis - Fire Emblem (GBA)

Lyn is great. I love Lyn and I wish she had more focus in the main story of Fire Emblem. But in those first few missions where it is her story, you make such a connection with her. It’s great to see how strong and confident she is in some parts, and then watch her become nervous and unsure in others. But particularly I love how she holds onto who she is, and doesn’t put up with shit from any characters. If you haven’t played Fire Emblem on GBA, you need to go out and buy it, or get a ROM. I also think it is on the Wii U’s virtual console as well,

------------------

7. Buffy Summers - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I mean, this blog used to be mainly Buffy for a while, so y’all shoulda seen this coming. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my favorite TV show ever, and I love Buffy herself. From the high school student all the way to basically the leader of an army in the comics (I’ve only read season 8, so no spoilers please). I just love watching her learn and grow and struggle with real life demons and personal strife and just keep going. If you haven’t watch the show, do it. And hit up the movie too, but only after you’ve fallen in love with the show.

-----------

8 v1. Angel - Angel

Is this cheating? I mean, I know he was on Buffy first, and Angel the Series is part of the Buffyverse, but I also know of some people who have never seen Buffy and just watched Angel, so idk. Either way, I like him better in his own show anyway. We get to see more of a range from the character and we learn that the whole dark and brooding thing, is like at the very least 40% social awkwardness. He;s a dork and I love him being able to relax and have friends. And I love that he isn’t perfect. That’s part of what makes him interesting to me as a character. He is flawed as fuck, but tries to do the right thing. Or at least what he thinks is the right thing, but is prone to anger or other negative emotions that real people are.

Fun fact, I cry every time I watch episode 8 of Angel.

--------

8 v2. Garrus Vakarian

Just in case Angel doesn’t count, we have Garrus Vakarian. The best friend anyone could have in space. Like Angel I love that he tries to do what he thinks is right, even if that (especially if that) involves killing a lot of people. And i mean a lot. Like holy hell. But again, I love that he is a dork. I love that his idea of relaxing in ME3 is to break a hundred regulations, go to the top of a tower, and shoot bottles with his best friend. That and the sass. I love the sass.

------

9. Joel/Ellie - The Last of Us

Here I go, cheating again. Originally it was just Joel, but I realized that most of the reason I love him, is his interactions with Ellie. And vice versa. Him going from wanting nothing to do with her, to willing to sacrifice the rest of humanity for her? Stories like that get me every time. Joel is such a good character, and so is Ellie, and they’re made even better when they interact. If you haven’t played this game, holy shit do it. Or watch a Let’s Play. @markiplier or ChristopherOdd have great playthroughs .

---------

10, Clementine - The Walking Dead

Golly I had to be careful looking for gifs on this one. I’ve only played seasons 1 and 2 of The Walking Dead, so I had to watch for spoilers. I’m gonna play 3 soon, but I wanna Let’s Play it, so I’m waiting until I play through the other 2. Anyway, I love Clementine. Holy shit. Like Ellie, they’re two characters who are so important to me. Like fuck I can’t describe it. All this shit shouldn’t have happened to her. She shouldn’t have had to deal with this. But the way she does makes me so proud. And partially because they throw you in her shoes in season 2, I feel even closer to her. She is great. Again, if you haven’t played The Walking Dead, do it, or watch ChristopherOdd do it. You won’t regret it. Well, you will, but because it is so heart wrenching, not because it’s bad. Because it’s amazing. OK DONE! I’ve been typing for like, the past hour. Y’all don’t have to type anything about why you like the characters, I just did for fun.

I tag @piratecaptainmouse @talkmagically @humanoidlifeform @nirners @huntsuniverse @weirdprince @morriganwarrior @youhavebeencumberbatched @mittensthefirst and @n7kiera-ryder

6 notes · View notes

Last Seen Blogs

oxidesuicide

Oxide Suicide

jayplaysofficial-blog

Untitled

lemelgibson

Mel.

gallerywenzl

Gallery Wenzl

hiddendreamer67

A Tiny Study