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lalal-99 · 1 year

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My Favourite Workout {s.c.}

©February 2023 by lalal-99

Changbin x afab!reader | trope: established relationship, shower sex | smut | wordcount: 6.2k

Synopsis: Your boyfriend has been working his butt off the past few weeks. It's only fair of you to offer some of your time up so you can spend it together, doing something you love. Or he does anyways. You're not really a fan of gyms in general, but the private gym at his workplace sure has its perks.

Warnings: explicit content | dni if your under 18

Note: This sat in my drafts for over a year, but it turned out pretty good in the end. Gym-Changbin got a strong grip on me...

Taglist: @skzho @bubblelixie @flakywig@itsallaboutkey @avyskai @mekuiikore @joonghands@changbiddies0325 @knowleeknow @sensitiveandhungry @babybabydoll

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This was so not what you had expected from a gym. Crowds of bulked-up people, sweaty seats, and overpriced protein shakes – that’s what you were used to. You hadn’t been to that many gyms, but you had seen a fair share of them in your lifetime. And this was so far from anything you had witnessed before.

Instead of bad music and half-naked people you wanted to know nothing about, there was silence. And him.

The man sitting a few metres ahead – toned upper body clad in a tight muscle shirt, thick thighs in a pair of loose hanging shorts – was a feast for the eyes. With every pull he did on the exercising machine, dragging the black metal bar lower before bringing the weights to the ground again, his arms flexed. Every contraction of his muscles below his thin shirt was palpable, so deliciously inviting you to bury your teeth in them.

Had you known before, it was gonna be just the two of you in this one-roomed, private gym, you probably wouldn’t have gone. You barely moved anyway as the cross-trainer you had previously used rested quietly below you, your eyes focused on the beautiful man in front of you. How could you have done anything with him right in your eyesight, distracting you from what you usually did in a gym? An hour-long basic workout before swearing never to do one again.

It took Changbin a minute to notice your glances, but when he did, he casually got up, a smirk plastered on his face as he made his way towards you. He took one of his earphones out, his eyes meeting yours as she placed his muscular arms on the handles of your cross-trainer.

“You know this won’t move by itself, right?” Changbin asked, pointing at the machine below you. You rolled your eyes at his comment, stepping down from the trainer.

“I know, but this is so boring,” you told him honestly as you dried the non-existent sweat from your forehead with the towel you had brought. “I only came here with you today, anyways, because we haven’t spent an hour of quality time in two weeks.”

With your boyfriend working overtime at the studio so close to the release of their newest album, you had barely seen him, let alone spent time with him. For the past two weeks, he had left for work before you got up and only came home after his daily workout when you were already half-asleep on the couch.

Obviously, you didn’t blame Changbin. He loved his work, and being one of the producers for his very own band, he usually had to walk the extra mile. You knew and had always known it wouldn’t be easy. Your relationship needed constant work so you wouldn’t forget about each other in the haste of each day.

This was the exact reason why you had decided to join your boyfriend in the gym tonight. It was your way of showing him you weren’t just complaining but doing something to make it work. And you knew he appreciated your extra effort whenever he couldn’t give a hundred percent.

“We’re spending time right now, aren’t we?”

“I wouldn’t call us working out in different corners of this room ‘spending time together’,” you replied with a huff.

Changbin had been listening to music since you had stepped into JYPE’s private gym just a few floors below his studio. You knew he replayed whatever song they had produced that day while working out afterwards. It was Changbin’s way of clearing his head while also thinking of changes they needed to make in the melody or rhythm.

Still, you wouldn’t have complained about him talking to you or at least not ignoring you, caught up in his daily routine. Your relationship shouldn’t be routine anyways.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Changbin finally agreed as he took the second earplug out. With a swift motion, he put them into the little container, storing them in his pocket. “How about we finish the rest of the workout with no distractions, alright?”

“The rest of the workout?” you questioned in disbelief. “You mean you’re not finished?”

After an hour in the gym, you were convinced Changbin must have been as tired of it as you were. Even if you hadn’t done much actual working out, you could still tell you’d feel the effect of it tomorrow.

“Just another 30 minutes. Tops,” Changbin promised with a smile as he pointed at one machine behind him. “You wanna try something less boring?”

“Fine,” you gave in as you followed him to the device. You would already be sore the next day, so why not give yourself an extra push. “How does this work?”

“You sit on here,” your boyfriend guided you to the seat of the training equipment, “and you place your legs on either side of these pads.”

You followed his instructions one by one, placing your legs outside of two cushions attached to metal bars, eventually leading to the main body of the machine.

“And now what?” you questioned as you looked up at Changbin.

“Well, you’re gonna press your thighs together. But first, you put weight onto them. How much do you want? Like 5 kilos?” The teasing smile on his lips earned him an eye roll as it told you 5 kilos weren’t much.

“Funny.” The sarcasm was evident in your voice as you looked back at the weights variety the machine offered. It went from 5 to 90 kilos in steps of five. You were aware you shouldn’t start with the highest setting, though you didn’t want to start with the lowest either. “Give me like 20.”

“I don’t know, babe. You think you can handle that?”

Honestly, you didn’t believe that to be a lot of weight. 20 kilos? That’s like a dog or a five-year-old child. Although Changbin’s expression told you differently, you were sure you could take that much.

“I know you think I’m just your weak girlfriend. But I’m very capable of making those sorts of decisions for myself.” You didn’t intend it to come out as harsh as it did, seeing your boyfriend was merely trying to help you. Still, you didn’t appreciate him suggesting, you weren’t strong enough.

“Fine, don’t listen to me. But don’t you complain about your legs tomorrow. I won’t carry you around the house just because you didn’t believe me,” Changbin eventually agreed, setting the weight to your wishes. “Is this good?”

As you pressed your knees towards each other, effectively lifting the weight you had chosen, you realised you had messed up. You hadn’t known 20 kilos to put that much pressure onto your untrained legs when you could easily carry them with your arms. One of your nephews weighed about that much, and he was no difficulty for you.

Obviously, you couldn’t let Changbin know he had been right. After the scene you had just caused, you couldn’t acknowledge you were wrong, and actually weren’t capable of making those decisions for yourself.

“Yup.” You forced a smile onto your lips as you felt your abdominal muscles clench at the pain. It was almost impossible to control your facial expressions when you wanted to scream and curl into a ball instead. “Get back to your workout, babe. I’m fine, really.”

With a shake of his head, and a chuckle leaving his lips, Changbin turned around to head back to his previous workout. The second you were out of his sight, you stopped moving, feeling the burn in your every fibre already. Your legs were shaking as you silently breathed through the sting, picking the movement back up the second Changbin sat down. Unfortunately, he was facing you, so you couldn’t have merely pretended to be doing the exercise.

Your boyfriend picked up his previous routine, his arms finding the metal bar above his head as he started pulling it towards himself. You didn’t know exactly how much weight he had put onto his machine, but you guessed it was about 60 kilos. It was around three times what you were currently pressing between your legs, and still, he looked almost calm doing it. Obviously, you knew your boyfriend was fit – you saw him naked every day – but this was impressive, nevertheless.

You tried your best to concentrate on anything but your thighs, your eyes finding him after a few more squeezes. Changbin threw you a sweet smile as your teeth caught your lower lip. Looking at his buff arms only distracted you for so long, and you already felt you wouldn’t last much longer. Still, you didn’t think about giving up.

As you kept pushing yourself through the pain, you silently counted every press your legs did. Reaching ten presses after a minute, you decided it to be good enough for your first round. The second your legs stopped squeezing, an unintentional sigh left your lips as you felt your muscles relax. So far, so good.

With your head thrown back and your eyes pressed shut, you tried regaining your composure. You were so occupied with catching a grip on reality you didn’t even recognise Changbin was staring at you. You looked up at him only when you heard his weights hit the ground. He had barely gotten to 15 pulls, and you knew for a fact that this couldn’t be it. He must have had a lot more in him than just that.

“What’s wrong?” you questioned your boyfriend in confusion. Your hands came from the handles at your sides to your face as you dragged them across your skin. That you were already sweating after just a minute of actual working out couldn’t have been a good sign.

“You have got to be kidding me.” As Changbin shook his head in disbelief, your eyes wandered down his body to his hand positioned in his lap. You were trying to find the reason for his sudden reaction, and it took you a few seconds to realise how his hand wasn’t simply resting in his crotch. It pressed against it, trying to control the growing bulge under the thin fabric.

“Do you…” Your voice trailed off as a smile appeared on your face. With your hand covering your mouth, you tried hiding it, though you weren’t doing a good job. “Do you have a boner?”

“It’s not my fault,” Changbin reasoned as his eyes slid over your exposed legs towards your face. “It’s you!”

“What did I do? I’m just sitting here,” you explained as-a-matter-of-factly. You hadn’t done anything to turn him on, at least not intentionally.

“Yeah. Legs spread, making your sex noises.”

Your mouth opened at his accusation, your legs swinging over the cushions so you could close them. They were still quivering from the previous weighted movement, so you ran your hands over them, massaging the muscle.

“I’m not making sex noises,” you exclaimed, somewhat offended. No way in hell were the sounds you had made while pressing 20 kilos with your legs were the same ones you made when the two of you were together.

“You sure are. You’ve been moaning the whole time. And now you’re touching yourself, which isn’t any better,” Changbin pointed out, his eyes pinned on your hand running over your thigh. His words made you stop as you tried to terminate anything that might have caused his discomfort. It made you proud how it hadn’t taken much work to get him aroused, though you wouldn’t have disclosed that to him under any circumstance. “Also, we haven’t had sex in about three weeks.”

“And that’s my fault? How, exactly?”

With Changbin in the studio and you working all day, there had only been a few chances for the two of you to get some sexy time. And when such rare opportunities occurred, either you had been too tired, or he had been too sore. If he really wanted to blame you for the lack of intimacy, he couldn’t take himself out of the equation.

“It’s not.” A sigh left Changbin’s lips as she took the towel from beside him to put it over his crotch. “Let’s just get back to the workout, okay? I’m sure it will be gone in a few minutes.”

As your boyfriend stretched his arms to get a hold on the handles of the exercising machine above him, his tight shirt rid up his body a bit. It revealed his stomach below it for only a second, but you caught it anyway. Once he dragged the bar down the first time, your eyes immediately came to his bulky arms.

When you had met Changbin a few years earlier, he hadn’t yet achieved those as he hadn’t started working out as much.

You hadn’t fallen for him because of the way he could pick you up or spin you around as though you were a mannequin rather than a human being. You had fallen for Changbin because of his character, the way he could make you smile or laugh with only a few words. That he had gotten so muscular over the past two years was merely an extra which you didn’t mind. Frankly, you would have loved him with or without the few kilos of extra beef.

Still, you couldn’t help yourself wanting to touch him, lick him, or anything really. Nothing was off the table with the two of you, and even though your boyfriend was sweaty at the moment, you couldn’t help wanting to be closer to him. It became apparent at that moment that he wasn’t the only one riled up by the lack of sexual activity over the past few weeks.

“You know, there are quicker ways to get rid of an erection than waiting.” The words had left your mouth before you could think again about offering to help him out.

Changbin swiftly set the weights down again, his hands resting on his thick thighs as he looked at you with a smirk. Obviously, he understood what you were trying to say immediately.

“Are you serious? Here? A public place?”

Frankly, you hadn’t done many spicy things outside your own four walls, but there were first times for everything. Also, you weren’t sure you could wait to get home, wanting to pull those clothes off your boyfriend asap.

It was late anyway, and when you had come to pick him up from the studio, the whole building was pretty much empty. Right now, you thanked the lord that Chan had a dinner scheduled with his girlfriend. It gave you the perfect opportunity for some one-on-one time with your boyfriend.

“Sure. I mean, who’s gonna catch us? JYP?”

When Changbin realised you were right, that no one was there to catch you, he instantly lifted himself up. With a hurried sweep, he grabbed his towel and water bottle before making his way to you, his hand casually catching yours.

“Why are we still here then? Let’s go!”

A giggle left your lips at your boyfriend’s eagerness, the kiss he planted on your lips in excitement lasting only a second or two.

“Wait, my water bottle!” It still sat by the cross-trainer, long forgotten. There would have been plenty time to get it, but apparently, Changbin had other plans.

“I’ll buy you a new one.”

As Changbin dragged you from the gym to the changing rooms just a few doors down, you checked the halls one last time, making sure no one was around. When you realised everything was quiet, you bit your lip in anticipation.

The second you had reached the room, Changbin opened the door impatiently, pulling you inside. He closed the door behind you with a loud thud, and you found yourself pressed against the cold material instantly.

“This is so exciting,” your boyfriend pointed out before his lips met yours in an eager kiss. You could taste the sweat on his upper lip, though you couldn’t have cared less. Changbin’s strong hands instantly came to your waist, keeping you in place as his hip pressed into yours hungrily. “Let’s take this off, shall we?” A second later, your shirt was off you as Changbin’s hands came up to cup your breasts over the fabric of your sports bra.

“Do you like it? I bought it last week,” you questioned as Changbin eyed the white material.

“I do. I’d like it more if you took it off, though.”

“Sure. You first.”

With a smirk still plastered on his face, your boyfriend’s hands came to the hem of his shirt as he pulled it over his head. You bit your lip at the view, your mouth watering at the sight of his delicious peck muscles. Apart from his arms, they were probably your favourite extra.

“Your turn!” Changbin said before you could even think about touching him. You could get to that later, anyway. “And take off the shoes.”

Without as much as a hint of hesitation, you slipped out of your new clothing item and your sneakers, leaving you in only your pants and panties. Changbin followed suit, kicking his shoes and socks away as he came closer to you again.

His hands found yours as he pressed them against the door beside your head so you couldn’t move them. His body flushed against you was enough to declare you officially trapped.

When Changbin’s lips found yours again, his tongue instantly connecting with yours, he ground his hips into you, effectively making you sigh into him. You could feel him grinning against your mouth.

“I might have been wrong before. Your sex noises are way better than your workout noises,” Changbin pointed out. “They’re like music to my ears.”

“Maybe you should make a song out of them. This way, you can listen to me while working out.”

“Tempting- but I’d rather not get a boner while working out with Chan. This-” Rutting his hips into yours, you felt his erection more prominent than before. “This is for you and for you only.”

“Good.”

Your boyfriend’s lips met yours again, this time slightly rougher as he evidently attempted to move things along. Soon enough, his tongue met your neck as he sucked on the skin, causing another whimper to leave you. After years of being together, he clearly knew all your buttons by heart.

As Changbin reached your breast, your moaning turned into groaning, the frustration reaching a new high. His mouth engulfed your nipple, lightly grazing it with his teeth before he let his tongue run over it. The arching of your back was the only indication he needed to know his advances caused the wanted impact on you.

When his hands ran down your arms and to your waist, you felt goosebumps rise all over your body as a rush of blood went to your core. You had always loved how your boyfriend could turn you to mush at his hands, especially now that you had seen him work out. All the strength in his arms didn’t change how carefully he handled you; as though you’d break under too much pressure.

Your hands came to Changbin’s hair as he kissed all over your chest, entangling with the bundle as you closed your eyes and threw your head back at the pleasure. Only when he went further down, eventually landing on his knees – like you weren’t turned on enough already, making your heart skip a few beats – did you look down at him.

A smile spread on your lips as you knew what was coming.

“These,” Changbin’s hands came around your thighs as she slapped one of them hungrily, “make me go crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about burying my head between them when you were doing that exercise earlier. And I do think we should get one of those exercise machines for our house. Just so we can misuse it. Every. Single. Day.”

With those words, Changbin started dragging your shorts down your legs, effectively taking your panties off with them. You quickly swiped them away with your foot so they wouldn’t get in the way of things.

“I think there are machines for that exact use. Why don’t we get one of those?” You couldn’t deny the thought exciting you. Smaller toys had been part of your love life since the beginning, but never something as massive as this.

“And I think I absolutely fucking love you.”

Without another second of hesitation, Changbin buried his head between your thighs, his tongue licking a rough strip up your folds. It made your legs quiver as you pulled at his hair. You were still pretty beat from your previous workout so that your legs were almost giving out beneath you was no surprise. Especially when your boyfriend made you feel so good on top of everything.

One of his arms kept you spread for him as his other came around your thigh, lifting it up and over his shoulder. It gave him much better access so his second hand could wander around your body, keeping you in place at your spine.

Changbin’s tongue ran along your entrance a couple times, dipping in only slightly before precisely meeting your nub. It sent shock waves down your back as he knew exactly how you liked it. He soon tilted his head, eyes closing as he seemed to enjoy this as much as you did. Perhaps even more.

The way he ate you out, fast – almost maliciously so – you knew you wouldn’t last for too long. That, paired with the excitement about someone possibly walking in on you at any given time, took you straight to cloud nine. Sure, you hadn’t noticed anyone before, but that didn’t mean no one was actually around.

When Changbin’s teeth came into play, lightly running over your nub every few licks, a loud cry escaped your throat. You bucked your hips into him involuntarily, the knee currently not resting on his shoulder quivering heavily. Had he not held you by your leg, you would have fallen to your knees at the pleasure running through your system. Changbin seemed to notice how difficult it was for you to concentrate on anything but the pain in your leg, quickly deciding to help you out.

You were used to having one of your legs positioned over your boyfriend’s shoulder, opening up possibilities for him to reach deeper – better. So, when Changbin pulled your second leg up, pulling it over his other shoulder, you were more than just stunned. In the new position, one you had never tried before – you fully sitting on his shoulders – a whole different set of possibilities opened up.

That Changbin could even carry you like this, all your weight pressing onto him, was a miracle. Sure, he benched more than your weight and probably pulled just as much, but this was still different. You weren’t dead weight like the metal sitting only rooms away; you’re a human. It was you and every kilo you brought to the table.

Your surprise and fear for your boyfriend’s well-being were swiftly overshadowed when you noticed just how much he enjoyed this new position. It gave him total control over your body, where to put you and how to bend you. And that control, he used to both your advantages.

As your back was pressed against the cold metal of the door, your hands automatically came to Changbin’s hair, pulling on it as he dove in deeper. His hands by your spine pushed you closer against him as you feared he might suffocate. He couldn’t have possibly gotten the necessary oxygen in this seemingly uncomfortable position. And, still, it didn’t impact his action as much as you had anticipated. It might have even spurred him on further.

His humming vibrated through your whole body, sending shock waves to every fibre of your being. You couldn’t help but whimper at the feeling, noticing the smirk against your core once he heard. One of his hands left your spine to slap your butt as he started massaging it, only encouraging you to be less cautious of the noise leaving your body.

Changbin’s second hand snuck around your body, running up your stomach and towards your breast, stroking it roughly as his fingers ran over your nipple. This, paired with his second hand on your butt and his mouth on your core, made you shiver and twitch against him. His tongue lapping at your juices, so precisely meeting every tiny spot between your legs, brought you close as fast as barely before.

“Fuck,” you sobbed once the tip of his muscle ran down to your hole, fucking inside hastily. It certainly wasn’t long enough to reach every spot within you, but it felt great, nonetheless. So much so that you could have stayed like this forever.

For all you cared, Changbin could have eaten you out like this the whole night. Though you doubted it would be enough to finish either of you.

So, when Changbin slowly and ever-so-carefully set your legs back onto the ground, his mouth leaving your heat, you weren’t mad. As your legs quivered on either side of him, he came up from the floor, standing right in front of you as he leaned in for a long, somewhat innocent kiss.

“We’re so gonna do that more often,” Changbin breathed against your lips as a smirk spread on his. “I’ll get undressed. Meet you in the shower?”

All you could muster was a nod as you shakily started making your way towards the shower cubicles. Finding your ass in a slap as you moved, you jerked forward in unexpectedness.

“Sorry, my hand slipped.” The smirk on his face told you otherwise, though you naturally ignored the comment as you continued your path further back.

The moment you found yourself under the warm water, the liquid running through your hair and down your body, you felt yourself relax. The jets softly massaged your back and the muscles which had gotten so tense from leaning against the metal door for too long, causing a few moans to slip out of your mouth.

It wasn’t until you felt a presence behind you that you came back from your trance, the thick fingers around your waist causing a smile to spread on your face.

“I hope the shower isn’t making you feel better than I do...” Voice trailing off, Changbin’s lips came to your neck, running along the vein at the side. You moaned at the feeling, even more relaxing than the shower itself, a smile spreading on his lips. “I take that as a ‘no’.”

With his hands running up your body, fingering over your perked nipples, you arched your back against his front. His arousal became unmistakably clear to you when you felt him poke one of your ass cheeks. You bit your lip at the sensation, proud of your effect on his body.

His tongue ran over your neck, down your left shoulder and over to your right as his hands softly massaged your breast. The shower jets only added to the sensation, your head soon thrown to the side to give Changbin better access to your earlobe. He twirled it between his teeth, growling in your ear as you continuously pushed your ass against him.

“Fuck, you’re so hot like this.” Smiling at your words, you tried turning around to kiss him, though his strong arms prevented any unapproved movement. “Stay like this. Perfectly still for me to touch and do as I please. You like that, don’t you?”

Humming in answer, Changbin ran one hand down your spine, thumb pressing into your muscles on either side. When he reached your butt, he grabbed one of your cheeks, pulling it to the side before letting it slap back against the other. He did the same thing to the other, his hand reaching even deeper, running two fingers through your folds to test your wetness. It made you moan loudly, the sound echoing from the tiled walls. To neither of your surprise, you were drenched.

“Ready, baby?”

You merely nodded, forming words impossible at this point. Not with how much need was radiating from your every pore.

Putting your hands against the wall in front of you, you leaned forward to give him better access. With one of his hands pressing against your lower back, the other guiding him towards your entrance, it took him less than 5 seconds to enter you, bottoming inside you.

“Mhm…”

“Feel good, baby?” Changbin pulled you back against his chest, slipping out just a tad at the movement. You agreed with a nod, hands reaching back to touch his hips.

“Move- please.”

Chuckling at your attempt to talk, Changbin tilted your head to the side with two fingers, kissing the corner of your mouth before slowly pulling out and plunging himself back in. “I fucking love you. Did I tell you that?”

His length dragged deliciously against your swollen walls in this position, meeting that spot inside you every time. It took him a few seconds to find a rhythm before his hips settled at snapping against yours in perfect timing with your breathing. At first, at least.

A few minutes into it, Changbin sped up, your hands coming from your side – holding onto his at your waist – to the wall in front of you. You needed to stabilise yourself in some way, his forceful thrusts sending you straight to heaven. He took a step forward to keep reaching deep inside, your back arching for comfort. It also helped you focus on not coming already.

“Fuck, if you keep clenching like this...”

Changbin didn’t end his sentence, but you understood him perfectly anyway. Knowing he wasn’t doing any better than you calmed you down, your walls relaxing slightly. It sent you closer quicker, but you knew he wasn’t far behind, so it was alright.

Soon enough, one of his hands reached around your body again, twisting your nipples once before travelling down your front. How he even had a head for helping you out when he was so close himself was beyond you. Your head started spinning when two of his fingers met your nub, roughly circling the flesh.

Letting your head hang slack in front of you, you squeezed your eyes shut at the sensation, the water running down your back only adding to it. You started twitching against him, your body leaving your control at his skilled technique. All you could do was hold onto the wall, trying to relieve some tension by dragging your fingers against the tiles. Your knuckles soon turned white, your head dizzy, and your sight blurry once Changbin angled his hips to reach your spot.

“Fuck-”

Your body started shaking at the approach of your inevitable release, Changbin pulling you flash against him. His arm wrapped around your front, keeping you stable against him as your hands reached back to grab him. With his head back at the side of your head, kissing your skin and attempting to give some momentum to the moment, you grabbed his hair, pulling lightly as the high came crashing over you.

Spasming against him, loud moans escaping your mouth like a waterfall, Changbin held you as close as possible, guiding you through it. He slowed down his thrusts for a few seconds, fingers circling your nub at a less demanding pace. His touch never stopped, simply helping you through the high but not letting you calm down just yet.

“That was so hot, baby,” Changbin whispered in your ear before picking up the pace of his hips and fingers. It sent you right back to the white-gazed, world-spinning high you hadn’t had the chance to come down from. “You think you can do it again?”

“I don’t-” your words were cut off when he sped up, going even harder and faster than he did earlier. The overstimulation set in soon enough, your mouth hanging slack as whimpers tumbled over your tongue. “Fuck, fuck, fuck-”

“Just like that, baby. Come for me again!”

How you did it, you wouldn’t have been able to tell with a gun to your head. You had never come a second time this quick after your first time. Until now, that was.

Maybe it was how well Changbin knew your body, being able to coax orgasm after orgasm out of you at a speed that could have been world record worthy. Maybe, it was the whole ‘people might walk in on you any second’-situation. You didn’t have the head to care as you kept spasming against his front, feeling him release with a groan in your ear.

You rode out both your highs in about a minute, his movement never stopping but calming down with every second until he finally stopped. Changbin didn’t withdraw just yet, though he took the opportunity of complete calmness to press a soft kiss against your cheek.

Still catching your breath after two back-to-back orgasms, you merely smiled at his sweet action, hands holding onto him behind you.

“That-” Changbin cut himself off, also trying to get his breathing under control. It took him a few moments, but then he pulled out of you, spinning you around on wobbly legs. Kissing you for the first time in what felt like hours, you felt yourself reaching earth again after being sent to heaven twice in a matter of seconds. “The single, most hottest thing you ever did.”

“‘t wasn’t me. All you.”

That you still couldn’t speak properly further proved just how high up he had brought you. Changbin chuckled at your attempt to talk, forehead pressing against yours as you started feeling his release dribble down your leg. Good thing you were already in the shower, or else it would have made a complete mess.

“Let’s settle on team effort.” You giggled at his words, feeling your eyes and legs giving out on you. Had it not been for Changbin’s hands at your sides, you would have collapsed already. “You tired, baby?”

You didn’t need to answer that question as your boyfriend slowly guided you to the floor, helping you settle against the wall. The water was still running over your body as he disappeared for a few seconds. When he came back, he had shower gel, shampoo, and your sports bra with you, so you wouldn’t have to sit on the cold floor and risk catching a UTI. After that workout, you wouldn’t be needing it tonight anyway.

Turning your back to him, Changbin squeezed some of the shampoo onto his fingers before bringing them to your hair, softly spreading it over your scalp. The touch felt like magic, pumping energy back into your body. Same with the shower gel, which Changbin massaged into your back once he was done with your hair. You moaned at the feeling, your muscles relaxing at his perfectly calm touch.

Changbin always found ways to take ‘aftercare’ to a whole nother level.

“You good to walk? Or do you want me to carry you?”

“I can walk,” you told him, getting off the floor. Your legs were still pretty unstable, shaking under your weight. As though you hadn’t learned to walk yet.

“Okay, Bambi. Let me help you.” Swept off your feet, Changbin carried you out of the shower stalls and back into the changing area. You giggled in his arms, time and time again surprised by his strength. He almost made it look like you weighed nothing.

Wrapping you in a towel, Changbin left you for maybe a minute to clean himself. It gave you time to calm down further, your head and body almost completely back to normal once he came back into the room. As he dried himself off, you couldn’t help your wandering eyes running over his body. A real sight for the Gods, your boyfriend was.

“I’m sorry,” you apologised, much to Changbin’s surprise. His eyebrows drew together, confusion taking over his face as he came closer, the towel hanging dangerously loose around his waist.

“What for?”

“You couldn’t finish your workout because of me.”

In your head, you knew he didn’t mind. Still, you felt bad you hadn’t let him finish off his routine because of your arousal. And, frankly, your unwillingness to work out even a minute longer.

“You’re a little stupid-head, you know that?” Changbin asked in amusement, playfully shoving your head as he seated himself next to you. “I’d do you over a workout anytime.” He kissed you lightly, tongue brushing against your lower lip for only a second before he pulled away. “Now, turn around, so I can get changed.”

You laughed at his demand, putting your hands over your eyes, fingers spread apart as far as possible.

“Eyes are closed. Go ahead!”

Changbin laughed at your action, a few emotions written on his face simultaneously. Though, it didn’t take much of you to recognise the main one. “Fuck, I don’t think I can love you more than right now.”

And he meant it.

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rulerzreachf4n7 · 25 days

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Fight me all you want but huntlow/lumity antis are the weakest links in the toh community,

HEAR ME OUT...

...unless you don't have ears idk block the haters

SKIP IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN SHIPS WARS IT'S HONESTLY EMBARRASSING I HAVE TO SAY THIS!!

All this slander is coming from the goldric/huntmira/lunter/guster/amiter shippers, yes that's a mouthful, and yes I'll be blocking you if you're a toxic shipper, if your not, good! except if you ship amiter, fuck off you lesbianphobic bitch, anyways back to my rant, also sorry if this comes out as insensitive, rude, or if I sound over dramatic I just really hate these types of people

If I had a dime for every toxic shipper I've encountered since I first came into the toh community...BITCH ID BE RICH CAUSE SOME OF Y'ALL ARE WILD ASF 😭🙏, this is based off of a rant I got below this post so yeah credits to anon it was very helpful pookie

Y'all toxic ass shippers will go FUCKING PARAGRAPH LENGTHS TO DEFEND YOUR SHITTY SHIPS, and this is targated twords lunter and goldric, again, if you're not toxic this ain't for you I don't mean to offend anyone, cause tell me why there is this account on Pinterest, I ain't afraid to say their name it's something like TheGoldenCoven, or some shit like that, BROS A LUNTER FAN ACCOUNT 💀, and a toxic one too, dw I got some proof

How the fuck do you normalize the TWO MAIN COUPLE OF A SERIES??? Hunter was never intentioned to date Luz and vice versa, this is a perfect example of toxic a lunter shipper, and not only are they toxic they're...LESBIANPHOBIC!! I know it was probably from 2021 and they've moved on buuuut they did post amiter art, and they're not even a nice person although having in their bio "I'm nice you if you're nice to me" or some bullshit idk

As for toxic goldric shipper accounts I haven't seen any Pinterest or Tumblr accounts so that's good! But majority of the shippers are the most insufferable human beings on earth, their only excuse for shipping them is "they want a mlm couple and they're the same age" noting against wanting a mlm couple it'd be super nice...buy may I remind you this is post early season two...HUNTERS NAME WASN'T EVEN CONFIRMED YET 😭🙏, And let alone having only two or three minutes of screen time makes the ship have an even worse reputation, and the shippers are just bitchy and biphobic, always complaining that Hunter should be canonically gay instead of literally anything else so he can be shipped with only Edric, and I know huntmira shippers exist but I've actually never had an interaction with one, hopefully they aren't too bad

Y'all will come out withe the stupidest excuses not to ship huntlow/lumity, also sorry I got off track 😭😭, for lumity, don't know how it exists, but it's either "it's abusive" or "it's toxic" brother ew 💀, name one way Luz or Amity have hurt each other and DO NOT say it's by how Luz always makes stuff mess even though it's literally apart of her personality or by how she didn't wanna tell her about the portal door in S2 or how she accidentally helped Philip/Belos, I'll wait 😊, and I see the point of how Amity's personality downgraded to only being Luz's gf but she still did have her family problems but I guess they just didn't wanna make it an episode, I mean we got Clouds on the horizon that counts ig?

And for huntlow I keep hearing the same shit "I-Its a crack ship, I-Its forced, t-they have no chemistry 🥺🥺🥺" yeah I can see your toxic ass shipping a 12 and 16 year old together don't think you're slick bitch, and just because huntlow was rushed doesn't mean it's necessarily bad, you don't know if Dana had intentions on it but because of the cancellation it was forced to be rush, and I'm sorry to y'all hearing the shortened s3 excuse but it's true since there's literally no other explanation, also don't come into the comments saying "B-But you don't know that!!🥺🥺" it's just speculation my brother in Christ 😭🙏, merely a theory put together with brain cells which almost everyone in this community doesn't have, another weird double standard is how everyone ships gustholomule and veesha even though there's very little evidence it'll be canon was supposed to be canon but since it's a more noticeable and popular ship no one bats an eye for some reasons even though huntlow is too a popular ship, but these are the more bigger ones so I'll more obscure like cameda or aladarius which where probably never meant to happen and totally fandom operated

Anyways that's all, I'll block haters/toxic shippers in the comments so don't think you'll get a reaction outta me with some half baked and barely thought through argument you found in a Reddit post

#my posts:3 #the owl house #toh #huntlow #lumity #anti lunter #lunter #goldric #huntmira #guster #amiter

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b3achysurfer · 5 months

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SBG POST!! (hxh moots please ignore this 😓)

** disclaimer: DO NOT SEND HATE TO ANYONE!!!! whether or not they agree with what I’m going to say, please don’t send hate to them. if anything I say comes off as harsh/rude, just know that’s not my intention.

deadass wasn’t gonna say anything because I genuinely don’t care, but some of my friends/supporters are getting hate and it’s starting to annoy me. also my name got dragged in so it’s free game now 😛 **

posting this on my main for reach, but my side blog for sbg is @b3achysurfur !!

Someone sent me a post that was talking about how the fandom thinks it’s okay to hate Logan for being a nerd but not anyone else for the tropes they’re based on. They also said that people have been “getting defensive about their right to hate a charater”. The person probably has me blocked and won’t see this but idrc bc they were talking about me (to some extent).

no one is getting defensive about their “right to hate a character”. from what I’ve seen (and posted) it was just people pointing out how silly it is to say “oh you can’t hate this character 😡”. that’s literally it lmao. that’s not being “defensive”, it’s just pointing out how stupid you guys sound. also, it applies to you too? you can hate/like whoever you want.

“i'd be stabbed 27 times and set on fire for saying anything remotely bad about aiden but logan gets away scot free bc he's a ‘nerd’ and ppl simply dislike him bc of his trope? the double standards are just odd, that's what i'm addressing.” Scot-free? No I didn’t “get away scot free”. I got sent death threats, sm1 attempted to dox me, my dms were full of hate, and there was post after post of people saying things about me (some of which came from people you associate yourself with op). It just looks like I “got away scot-free” because I’m not a little bitch and can deal with backlash for my opinions.

you guys created this environment where everyone has to like everything! everyone has to feel the same way about everything! and a lot of you have this mob mentality and just follow the crowd instead of having you’re own opinions. There is no “double standard”. You guys hate on anyone and everyone for their personal opinions.

“what's the difference between them and everyone else? i'm "allowed to hate" these characters, but if i posted my opinion on someone like aiden, who is a mostly beloved character by the fandom, i'd get Rattled.” Nothing! There’s no difference! Only problem is none of you have the balls to express your opinions out loud. Not that I blame you tho, from my experience the fandom is very agressive when you disagree with them. And by the way, I was never “allowed to hate” Logan. Can’t even count how many people made posts saying, “dni if you hate Logan/any of the main cast” lol. Which also confuses me op. You can’t really complain about it when you’re apart of the problem, no?

“and anyways i'm talking abt the fact that people are defending beachy for their opinions, the majority of us dislike them but it's still insane the difference” I know people hate me, idrc ab that. but the fact that you complained about not being able to dislike any of the main charaters than added that you (as well as most of sbg tumblr) don’t like me bc of my opinion is so hypocritical. Do you not hear yourself?? Also people defend me because you guys get nasty quick. most of my posts are JOKES. yes I hate Logan, but I’m not being serious when I write things about him. Not to mention most the people who defend me now were at my thoart when we first started interacting.

Having different opinions on characters and vocalizing it is very important to fandom growth. You guys need to understand this. If you force everyone is like a charater then not only does it make the fandom boring to interact with it but it also creates drama. AKA THE WHOLE “LOWAR”. SHI WOULDVE NEVER HAPPENED IF I WAS ALLOWED TO DISLIKE LOGAN LMAO??? Not to mention, it allows you to see different perspectives and versions of the same charater just through someone else’s eyes. That’s why our fanon versions of charaters are just copy and paste of the canon versions. Because you guys never give anyone space to be creative. As soon as you don’t agree with it, you all jump on the person and make it a problem. It’s annoying.

If you don’t want to be attacked for your opinions on a charater then stop attacking others for their opinions. Obviously this problem won’t be fixed immediately but it’s one person at a time yk? Just know if you hate a character, you should expect at least a bit of backlash and debate. Shi I still argue with people and it’s been like 3 months. Just remember to be open minded, respectful, and have fun!!

“Hating” on a charater doesn’t have to be negative/drama. it’s you guys that make it into that. Relax a bit and have a little more fun. Or don’t, it’s ya life 🤷‍♀️

—- btw if you ever have a problem with me, talk to me about it or stfu. Stop attacking my friends/supporters. you can dm me, tag me in a post, send me an ask, comment, reblog, idc. I’ll respond (on my sbg side blog). Or just block and ignore me. Thanks 😛

#sbg #school bus graveyard webtoon #school bus graveyard #schoolbus graveyard #sbg (webtoon)

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sanderssideswriting · 4 months

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ok. i've never really mentioned this somewhere and i will try to get screenshots as soon as i can to tell you that i am not bullshitting this but.

when the tss patreon first became a thing i was. so excited. mostly because i thought that the idea of a writer's room would be fun (Oh how wrong I was..) and being able to contribute to faster higher quality content (LMAO!!!!!!!!) but also because of the janus t-shirt. i wanted that goddamn t-shirt so bad.

so i did it! became a patreon for about.. a year? i think? roman level due to me wanting that t-shirt which is. actually just a little ugly (i've never really thought the merch design was actually nice looking though, ppl just want their smth of their fave side which is fair enough, ykno? christmas sweaters are kind of ok tho) BUT ANYWAYS janus is my fave and i wanted smth and i thought: "hey! cool! i can support my fave creator, get extra content (again lmao) AND get smth of my fave side??? DEAL 🤝

months pass

got the message that i was one of the first people to sign up and that i would be getting the t-shirt! GREAT 😃👍

got a forum to sign with my size, adress, name and whatever else and yay janus merch very soon!

right?

see ppl starting to get their t-shirts and i hadn't yet but that's fair cause i live in a completely different country and a completely different continent even.

2 months pass by

i thought at least that i would be getting the shipping information by now but.. nothing. so i go and message the patreon, and VERY nicely may i add, asking them if it's gotten shipped yet. get a message back from them that was basically them sending me an e-mail and for me to message them instead because they were the ones with the actual merch..

huh that's kind of weird.. couldn't you do that?

whatever. i send a mail to the email i was given and got the response that the tss crew are the ones who are supposed to be doing that. message their patreon again and they give me the e-mail again. i go back and do the same thing. get the same response from that e-mail again. go back to their patreon and... no reply? huh.

this thing goes on for month.

in the end i came out of the whole ordeal with no poster or stickers i was promised, no janus merch and basically no extra content.

and i lost around $320.

i never raised a fuss, i still supported him and his crew and in the end i was the only one who lost.

my respect for him and his crew got so much lower after that but still i watch his content, still i love his characters (or at least what they used to be), never have i mentioned this cause i don't want to sound like someone having a tantrum over a goddamn t-shirt and also cause his fanbase would probably kill me if i told them that their precious tommy and his crew fucked me over.

but i am so tired of this shit and seeing his fanbase complain about ppl being critical of that patreon and him + his crew is driving me MAD!!!!!

ok wow phew ty for letting me get that out

love your tumblr and all you critters in general <3

Oh wow that’s shitty. I looked it up just to see how much the roman tier is now and it’s the second most expensive one at $50 currently. Not sure if it was then but that’s a lot if money per month.

Most egregous is not sending you that shirt. Maybe there was an issue with shipping since you’re in a different country but you should’ve been told there were issues instead of being sent around in circles.

I am going to take this with a grain of salt though as there are no screenshots and I don’t want to just take it as fact. But yeah, shitty situation and like usual it all goes back to Thomas and co needing to be more transparent especially to people directly paying them.

#ts crit #ts criticism #ts critical #ask

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deadeyedaisy · 2 months

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Tales of Destiny ~PROUST~ Forgotten Chronicle rough summary

I wasn't sure where else to post this, and Tumblr seemed like the one that would get the most use out of it.

So, I streamed my blind run through TODDC with Kio for the past several months. I ended up getting really into TOD from how much cleaner the presentation of the story and characters were over the PSX version, and was really frustrated that nobody had translated the drama CD, which had been hiding like 95% of Leon's characterization until the remake came along.

I kept a notepad of stuff to talk about during those streams. Sometimes it was off-topic things, sometimes it was little tangents about parts of the game that I thought of over the week until we'd play again. Sometimes it was summaries of supplemental material that was never localized. But most of the time, that material was translated by a fan.

Nobody has fully translated Proust. I wanted it to be translated. So I listened to it as hard as I could and summarized as best I could. The following are the unedited notes as I wrote them to be read during stream, rather than a direct translation or anything formal. I'm not good enough at Japanese to fully translate it. I'm so not good at Japanese that there's probably a lot of errors throughout this summary, too. I hope someone eventually comes along and gives us a full translation.

Also note that I'm not great at recognizing the voices of anyone that isn't the main cast of protagonists, so I probably mix up the antagonists or the generals' identities a lot.

--------------------------

So I went back through the drama cd, and I think I've got a few more little details. I could be wrong about a lot of this since there's no translation and I am really fucking bad at Japanese. But this should actually clear up a lot of misconceptions that we, or I had throughout this entire game. Foolish me for just believing everything TVTropes told me instead of trying to comb the drama cd myself.

(track 1-01 Thunder + track 1-03 Lullaby) Chris tried to escape with both children, but Hugo sent the goon squad after her?? and they managed to take Leon and mortally wound Chris. She drags herself back to the mansion to see Leon again and asks him not to hate Hugo, because this certainly isn't the same kind person she married. [I previously summarized it based on this post, which does a much better job of summarizing track 1-03: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136918641610/so-after-the-horrible-sad-feels-from-the-emilio]

(track 1-02 History That Was Forgotten is just Leon saying the title of the CD)

(track 1-04 Yes, My Lady) Less than 2 years before the game starts. The girls in Leon's class aren't very good at dance lessons yet, so he complains to Marian that all the girls are stupid-- oh but not you Marian, it's only other girls that are dumb. lol I can't catch why Leon's mad at Hugo this time, but Marian sticks up for Hugo, since he's the one who pretty much discovered how useful Lens could be to further technology and make modern life easier, and has for the most part made it all affordable. She's also grateful that he hired her when she had nothing. Marian wants Leon to make friends with the girls because she's worried he'll be all alone. Leon says he's fine alone and that he'll only grow stronger, and to distract Marian, decides to teach her the dance he learned, calling her "my lady". At the end, he says he'll be fine as long as he has Marian. Hugo walks in on them and Leon quickly makes an excuse but Hugo just puts him down for hanging with the staff and tells him to get to sword practice. Leon seems excited for it. Leon whispers to Marian that they'll practice dancing again. Marian says she's looking forward to it, but when he leaves, she sadly mumbles that he's a pitiful child. (Not in a mean way)

(track 1-05 True) [Oops I didn't cover this one. It's just villainy anyway. Who listens to Proust to hear Mictlan-Hugo monologue?]

(track 1-06 Man of the Mask) I forgot about this detail and its MASSIVE importance. In the original, Leon and Hugo's relation wasn't known for a long time. In the remake, their relation is paraded around loudly. Hugo will not let anyone forget that Leon is his son, and Leon's motivation is to not be a nepo baby. But in the original, specifically in the drama CD, Hugo doesn't want their relation known. He doesn't want Leon around while he's doing business because it might reveal their relation. He reprimands him for coming home while he's doing business and tells him not to come home so often. Leon was actually excited to let him know of one of his missions' successes, on his 15th birthday no less. Chaltier tries to comfort Leon when he's basically told to gtfo, but Leon tells him he's not sad at all, and that he just wants to be acknowledged by someone as skilled as Hugo. His cadence is fairly fond as he says all this, but he's awfully insistent about it. Like thou-doth-protest-too-much insistent. Leon thinks he saw a masked man, but Chaltier says he doesn't sense anyone. They go on their way, but a filtered voice of Hugo calls Leon's name.

(track 1-07 Emilio) The following track makes it more clear that yes, he was actually very fucking upset about it. I already talked about this track since it was one of the only 2 tracks that were fully translated by someone else. Where Marian has a little private birthday party for him and he breaks down. With the added context of the previous track, the breakdown makes a bit more sense. He's just been told and brushed off again by Hugo even after so many smashing successes. Took it upon himself to put up a strong front in front of Chaltier. Then Marian does this gesture of kindness that I guess makes him feel like he's being treated like a child or mocked, and that's the last straw. Marian is of course calling him Emilio, and he refuses that name because Emilio is worthless, nobody needs Emilio, and he's all alone. He insists he's Leon Magnus, because he's at least useful as a tool for Hugo. Marian doesn't like him calling himself a tool. Says he's her precious Emilio. And Leon cries. [Previously summarized based on this post, which actually has a full translation!: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136880537875/jeredu-spoilers-for-tales-of-destiny-for]

(track 1-08 Family) Next track takes place a year later and has Leon being the wunderkind beating everybody and being taken under Finley's wing. They've all got praise for him but are a little put off by him being so uptight. Late at night, Leon sneaks into Marian's room through her window because of the lecture he got about COMING HOME TOO OFTEN jfc. He's excited to tell Marian about officially working with the knights, and asks to dance with her. I think I skipped a bit. Leon only started trying to become a knight because Hugo told him to, so that he'd have a pawn within the castle to help further Oberon's goals. I think he moved out of the mansion after the last track to dedicate himself more fully to cementing his position there?? I'm probably wrong. But he's been a lot happier this way. Later that night, Chaltier tries to suggest that Leon just continues living like this and become a full fledged and honest knight instead of working for Hugo, because all of the generals seem to like him and are nice people. Buuuut Leon's already fallen asleep. Boo

(track 1-09 Nightmare) Next track has Leon and Finley talking and they think Greybaum's sus. They meet with Greybaum and Chal also thinks he's sus. That night, Leon has a nightmare where a man is telling him he can save Rutee. Except Leon doesn't know who Rutee is yet, or her name. The man is wearing a mask like the one from the mansion. It seems to be the real Hugo. He attacks Leon when he knocks his mask off I think?? and I guess Leon wakes up and is back at the mansion temporarily? I have no idea what's going on here but Hugo's not doing great and Leon rushes to his aid but Hugo basically tells him to gtfo his house again. I think real Hugo is fighting Mictlan, because Leon says something about Berserius. Belserius. Berselius. Fuck it. Scene change and Leon's at a tavern or something. The waitress fawns a bit, showing his good reputation has spread. Leon thinks about the nightmare and what the heck a Rutee is. Then he overhears some guy talking about a demonic lens hunter dude and the waitress is like oh nah you mean that girl Rutee? and Leon all but trips over himself to go violently interrogate the waitress. The guy she was talking to gets mad and tries to attack Leon and a fight starts. Finley shows up and slaps Leon and reprimands him and I think threatens him?? But Leon got the information he wanted out of the waitress.

(track 2-01 Masquerade) Next track. The villains talk stealing the Eye of Atamoni. A masquerade ball is held in Seinegald. Leon's all ready to be big bad security but Finley says he should blend in and dance. But he ain't got no fancy clothes! So Finley arranges to get him some fancy clothes. He's about to arrange for a partner too but Leon's like nah I got a girl for this and yoinks Marian up. She's worried she's not allowed to attend such a party, but Leon assures her she's part of the mission so it's fine. She tries to make excuses to not go but he shoots them all down. He sounds like he's having just oodles of fun on the carriage ride with her to the ball. He's laughing and smiling and it's just great. This moment is probably literally the happiest Leon will ever be in his entire life lol He… sneaks her in through the BACK DOOR and gets stopped by guards who ask who dis. And he says, "my partner" and they say they can't let randos in and he says NO SHE'S MY PARTNER and they say :/ that's not good enough bro, come on, and Marian takes his arm all suggestive like and says "What part of partner don't you understand ;)" and they let them in??? okay But Marian hasn't received her dress yet, so Leon's waiting for her to get dressed. And Chal teases him a bunch implying Leon's nervous to see her in her fancy dress. Leon tells him to shut up but Chal notes he's blushing really hard. But, Leon suddenly sees the masked man again, and this time Chal sees him too. Leon attacks but he disappears. He hears the voice and he's big mad 'cause he thinks he's being jerked around so he shouts a lot. Marian hears him shouting and rushes to him and real-Hugo goes whoops sorry about that I guess lmao and goes away. The ball gets into full swing and allll the girls are wowed by how pretty Leon's partner is. Marian says she feels awkward and Leon tells her she's beautiful, but she still doesn't think she should have come. He asks her to dance, she tries to make excuses not to, but he keeps asking, calling her "Lady" again like when they danced alone ;A; aaaa So they dance, and Leon is just so entranced and whispers that he wants to go far far away together to a place with only them, that's quiet and warm. He says something like he lost such a promised place inside of him a long time ago, but feels that it's also right there with her, and he's about to say something that MIGHT have been a confession, but they're interrupted by an attack and are separated. SO YEAH I'D SAY HIS FEELINGS FOR HER ARE PRETTY ROMANTIC. HOLY SHIT. I felt like I was listening to one of those listener-POV CDs where they do nothing but sweet-talk you, gosh. Whether his feelings are actually romantic or not, he's still just entirely fucking smitten with her. oh my god.

(track 2-02 Venomous Snake) Next track, I have no idea what's going on because I'm not familiar enough with all the villains' voices, but it's villain stuff. I think it's Greybaum mostly, and they're messing with King Isaac, the Phandaria King. And Greybaum is evil monologuing but Leon was hiding in the room and ambushes him. Hugo shows up before Leon can do any damage and something happens or is talked about, idk, villains get away. Leon's like what the fuck, dad, they tried to kill the king. Hugo says Isaac's spent too long in office and ain't doin his job right no more. So it's fiiine just let it go, besides, Graybaum's gonna be a useful tool. And the word "tool" sets Leon off 'cause it's always about tools with Hugo, and Hugo goes YEAH, A TOOL, A TOOL JUST LIKE YOU. I'VE BUILT HIM UP AND I'M TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM, JUST LIKE I DID TO YOUUUU. And he demands Leon apologize but Leon says no, he's done being Hugo's puppet, he's going to live for himself, he's not going to accept this shitty fate anymore, he's going to carve his own path and make a place for himself in Seinegald. And Hugo goes "Ohoho what silly thoughts Finley's put in your head. Sure, you could do all that, you could escape me no problem, you're good enough for it, but I wonder how Marian is doing~ Sure hope she's okay after getting separated from you. It's just such a scary world out there, you never know when or where such a fragile little thing like her could get got." So basically the ongoing threat on Marian's life has begun. It's not explicitly stated, but obviously the implication is that Leon could leave and take Marian with him, but Hugo will get to her one way or another. Then it's just 20 full seconds of Leon desperately calling and looking for Marian.

(track 2-03 Requiem) Next track, he finds Marian and clings to her and sobs in relief that she's okay. She says yeah it's okay I'm fine, but Leon just cries harder. Later after he's calmed down, he brings up that far away warm place he spoke about. He wonders where that could even be anymore. Probably somewhere further than the moon. He wonders if he can go there. Then it's very suddenly Finley's funeral. People are crying. The priest is praying. People are swearing vengeance. Hugo, Chaltier, and Finley's voice echo in Leon's head. Hugo coercing Leon into poisoning Finley. Chaltier asking him not to do it. Finley telling Leon they're alike in that they both lost their parents at birth. That he'd like for Leon to think of him as his father, because he thinks of Leon as his son, I think. Hugo reminding him where his place is, and that that's never going to change. Finley succumbing to the poison, in disbelief that it was Leon, and desperately asking why. Leon's sure he's never going to get to that place. Hugo and friends do some villain talk and make some snide remarks at Leon, and he just says it's fine. He's defeated at this point.

(track 2-04 Rutee) Next track has Leon on his way to Cresta to look for whoever Rutee is. Chaltier recognizes the name a little but doesn't remember. Rutee runs into him and runs away, but Chaltier recognizes Atwight on her back right away and they give chase. Rutee's giving gifts to the kids at the orphanage, is asked how she made the money for this and she's like "eehh I worked really hard :D" Chal finally remembers Rutee was the name Chris spoke of before she died and he's super excited that Leon's not all alone, that he still has his sister. But Leon just runs away. Chal's like what the fuck, where are you going, and Leon says it's been 15 years, so it doesn't matter, they're not family. Chal keeps trying to get him to go back to Rutee, insisting she must have been looking for her family for a long time, and that he should reach out to her. Leon admits that he's scared that Rutee won't accept him. Chal tells him that's stupid. Leon admits he's scared of Rutee also betraying him like Hugo did, and cries that he's truly all alone. The track ends.

(track 2-05 Flow of Fate) Next track, it's revealed Greybaum's theft of the Eye of Atamoni was actually not in the plan. He did that on his own and betrayed them. They plan for Leon to lead the investigation and gather the swordian users. Leon asks if Hugo knows who wields Atwight, and Hugo, like a fox, says mmmyessss. During Leon's first real meeting with Rutee, while she goes off on him, he's thinking to himself that he wishes he met her sooner, but he's too dirtied to face her for real by now. Chaltier insists to him that it's not too late, but Leon refuses. A bunch of scenes of Leon traveling with Stahn's group pass. Leon thinks about how Rutee has good friends and a home and family to return to, and feels even worse that he can't be happy for her. He hates himself for it, but he can't help it. Chaltier tells him he could become a part of her family. Leon says it'd be nice, since he's being shown such a warm place, but he can't escape his fate. More scenes pass, and Leon is moved by Stahn's resolve. He thinks maybe he was wrong about fate, because everyone is fighting. More scenes pass, and Leon is even moved by Batista and Greybaum, because they went against Hugo. Even if they couldn't win against their fates, they still tried. He's confused and doesn't know what to do, but Chaltier doesn't have answers for him. The only thing he knows he can do is protect Marian. The only reason he has to keep living is Marian.

It continues in the mines. Hugo and friends say they need to buy time to escape Stahn's group. He tells Leon to stall them as long as possible, and then detonate an explosive. Tells him exactly what will happen, down to the sea water flooding in. So Leon absolutely knows he's going to die if he agrees to do this. Leon asks to be alone with Marian, as his first and final request as Hugo's son. Marian observes that Leon doesn't want to go through with this. Leon says it's fine, he'll just do what he's told. He asks why Marian is here, why she's still a maid for Hugo. Marian answers it's because Hugo was trying to save the world, or whatever. She owes him a lot. So she'll do whatever she's told, too. Leon asks what'll happen if he dies. Marian says she'll probably never stop crying. Leon asks how much, for how long, because it's not possible to cry for him for her whole life. Says she'll probably cry for a bit, but eventually she'll meet someone he doesn't know, fall in love, get married, and have children, and she'll forget all about him, and then he'll truly be gone and not exist anymore. He'll disappear. Leon cries, really hard. He pulls himself together, apologizes, says she should go. She goes, but she calls after him that it was fun. That being with him was like a dream. He says quietly to himself that, yeah, it was like a dream to him, too. (The wording is different from the opening song! Important to note because the remake did a full on title drop in its climax. The opening song is 「夢であるように」, but the wording here is 「夢みたい」. But it's still probably a 100% intentional reference to the opening song.) [I cut off here because I previously summarized these two posts about the end of this track, which is an exchange with Chaltier: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136997902840/i-dunno-if-its-possible-to-fall-in-love-with-a https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/137057162215/checked-with-a-friend-who-knows-more-japanese-and]

[I yada-yada'd track 2-06 Father, Friend because I already summarized it previously based on this post: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/143045097730/i-finally-typed-up-a-summary-of-father-friend]

(track 2-07 -Epilogue- Yes, My Lady) In the final track, Rutee is visiting Marian. She asks Marian to live with her. Marian declines, saying she has to keep Emilio's room clean for him for when he comes back. Rutee says he's already gone, but Marian interrupts and asks Rutee to dance. She teaches her how to dance. She calls Rutee "My lady" like Leon did with her.

-----------------------------

May I just say, if Leon retained his character from the drama CD in the remake, he absolutely would have broken down crying after Stahn convinced him they could work together to save Marian. And maybe hugged him or held his outstretched hand with both of his. While crying. Drama CD Leon is a huge crybaby and I'm so here for him. I was disappointed he didn't get to cry through the remake.

And also that hot damn, Hikaru Midorikawa was allowed to emote SO MUCH MORE in the drama CD than in the entirety of the remake, not even counting all the crying he does.

#Tales of Destiny #Leon Magnus #Marian Fustel #Tales of Destiny PROUST Forgotten Chronicle #translation

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meg2md · 9 months

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Wow, you're off Tumblr for months and the UI gets more fucked up than ever! Nice. How does Tumblr do it? Keep getting worse and worse? And yet I still come back to this website occasionally, because I'm also trash.

Residency makes it hard to keep a blog. I barely have time for household chores and hobbies, let alone ONLINE journaling when I'm also pouring out my heart occasionally on my actual, IRL written journal and trying to maintain friendships.

Anyway. Started R2. It's actually better so far, as much as I felt I was never going to be ready. Don't get me wrong, I still feel woefully inadequate approximately all of the time. But wow, does it feel good to not hold the gyne and OB pager, to not have to fight with the nurses about pitocin on the floor, to do something other than manage labor on OB days. I started on nights, which I thought was going to be a disaster, but actually ended up being fine. I think I got lucky, because usually the R2 gets blown up since they manage antepartum AND gynecology overnight, but the ED and antepartum nurses were relatively benign to me.

And just... the FREEDOM of not having to write q2h strip and mag notes, to not have to pay hawk-like attention to the strips... and the nurses and I get along better than ever now that

A) they have new intern prey to feast upon, and

B) I'm not riding everyone's ass about the strips

Literally, my LEAST FAVORITE PART OF MY JOB is being a labor intern because you're expected to make sure the pitocin keeps going up, up, up but the nurses don't always want to with a category 2 strip, but like, category 2 doesn't mean it's not reassuring, and also you can't have a baby without contractions, but there's always a "policy" for why we can't do XYZ.... and it's like... why am I even here then, just run the labor floor without me if everything is 100% policy-driven, lol. Category 2 isn't BAD guys!!! It's not always bad. And I know the strips aren't always amazing but dude.... we either pit enough we can get a baby out vaginally or they might as well get cut here and now instead of spinning our wheels with inadequate pitocin dosing.

Anyway... rant over hahaha. Ooooh I hated labor as an intern. I loved it in the beginning, but I QUICKLY, QUICKLY came to dread it for the above reasons. And now, as an R2 on OB days, my primary job will be c-sections! Which is incredible because right now I feel like I'm so bad at them. I've done a few over 20 since I started residency. Other programs have you do more as an intern, but I did end up with >200 vaginal deliveries, so I really can't complain. And like I said, my OB days blocks will be me doing 2-5 sections per day... so I'll get real good real fast. I just don't do it for awhile (nights > family planning > oncology > OB days) so I feel nervous when I'm assigned sections on nights and call, but I'll get there eventually. TRUST THE PROCESS, they say. I mean, I guess I thought I'd never figure out how to insert a hysteroscope into a uterus and chomp off an intracavitary leiomyoma, and I figured that out by the end of R1, so there's got to be something to it.

Things I still don't feel good about that I should have gotten better at by the end of R1: LACERATION REPAIRS. But whatever. I'm sure it will improve as my surgical skills improve.

Now I'm starting to stress because in the middle of having more responsibility, figuring out C-sections and basic laparoscopy, etc, I have to get research started and decide once and for all if I want to do fellowship. I've been waffling between generalist practice and MIGS for ages.

On one hand, I do like obstetrics more than I initially expected, I like that I'll have more freedom to do abortion care, and the thought of MORE training when I'm already almost 32 and have 2.5 years left of residency makes me want to vomit. On the other hand, the MIGS lifestyle is much better than OB lifestyle, I may still be able to do abortions, and I really, REALLY want to have elite surgical training. I'm sure I'll figure it out more on my gynecology and oncology blocks when I do more minimally invasive/generally spend more time in the OR. Not sure how much I like the thought of running a chronic pain and endometriosis clinic. But also... I feel like I went to a decently-tiered medical school and graduated with the assumption I would do fellowship, and to cut my training short and arguably without satisfactory surgical training feels bad. Because at the end of the day, I'm not actually sure how well general OB/GYN residency prepares you for surgery. I'm not sure I trust it yet.

C'est la vie. Back to other things. Studying hormonal contraception in patients with medical co-morbidities before biking back to my house to play MASS EFFECT 3. I'm also a pickle ball fanatic now.

Byeee

#medblr #studyblr #residency #medical school #premed

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maoam · 3 years

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WHY HINATA IS NOT A GOOD CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

I wanted to take a deeper look at Hinata’s character, considering there are a lot of claims about her out there, that she’s strong, that she’s kind, that she’s complex and relatable, that she’s the perfect woman and that she’s at least better than Sakura. I don’t really think so, and I’ll explain why. I’ll be focusing on canon, so no fillers or novels will be included in this post. I’ll say this as a warning, if you’re a fan of her character this probably won’t be something you’ll like. This will be tagged with the anti tags and put under read more so please do not complain if tumblr somehow puts this in the normal tags, it is not intentional. Also Sakura stans please don’t write lengthy comments about Sakura under this, I’m not a fan of her either and I’ll write about her later. Make your own post instead.

”HINATA IS STRONG AND THE BEST KUNOICHI”

Hinata is generally really bad as a shinobi and I’m not sure where the claims that she is strong come from. Hinata's entire character revolves around her being weak. This could have been fine if she actually developed, or if she found some other area for herself, yet she's mediocre at best and a waste of panels at worst, because she never becomes good or strong at anything. She’s not only physically weak from start to finish, but she’s also the equivalent of a damsel in distress. Everytime Hinata attempts to do something, she ends up failing, getting beaten up and having to be saved. She lost to her sister who is five years younger than her, which is what marked her as a failure in her clan. She tried to fight Neji in the chunin exams and ended up coughing up blood and losing her consciousness, and Naruto had to beat Neji for her. After Kabuto heals her fully, she spends the rest of part 1 either sleeping or missing in action. Very underwhelming.

If this had been only the beginning, it would have maybe been fine, but it’s a reoccuring pattern with her character. She throws herself in front of Pain, managing to do nothing but get one-paneled and almost killed. Even at the start of the war she had to be saved by Naruto. She tried to run to Naruto and tripped over a rock. Actually, she’s so weak she got Neji killed, when he had to jump in front of her so she wouldn’t get impaled. Why is she even in the front lines when she can’t fight? Even in Naruto the Last movie she had to be saved multiple times. In Boruto the movie she is still useless and reckless, leaving her daughter’s side to help Naruto, ending up defeated and having to be healed by Sakura once again.

I can’t say she’s mentally strong either. She has the personality of someone who hates conflict and tries to avoid it as best as they can, to the point of agreeing with others on everything, as Neji pointed out. Even without him saying it out loud, most of Hinata’s moments that aren’t her thinking about Naruto are her doing exactly this. This is not the personality of someone who is strong mentally. It’s the personality of someone who is too weak to have their own mind, someone who will go with the flow and is easily led and convinced. It can be dangerous the more you think about it. Hinata is also the bystander who never stands up for Naruto despite liking and admiring him. If she’s a compassionate girl, why isn’t she showing this by reaching out to Naruto and befriending him? Why doesn’t she show he’s not alone? Why is she only drawing inspiration from him? I don’t normally watch fillers, but there was one filler scene unrelated to Hinata where this girl says if you only look at the loser and do nothing, you aren’t much better than the oppressors, which probably wasn’t meant to be a call out for Hinata, but ended up being so anyway. Another thing that’s annoying is how she is berating herself often, yet doing nothing, it comes off as self-pity. Even in the Last movie, she is talking about how she must be a bad sister for knitting a scarf when her sister is in danger. Then why are you doing it and not stopping? Of course everytime this happens Naruto must cheer her up because she just can’t stop moping around and doing something herself.

Aside from all this, from the very beginning Hinata’s honor needed to be defended by Naruto because she couldn’t stand up for herself. Of course, after Naruto’s words she did stood up for a moment, and that was good, but it should have been a wake up call which altered her course. Instead, she kept doing the same she always did. If we take the Last movie into consideration, she’s still not strong enough to do anything even about her crush on Naruto. She needs genjutsu and Sakura to do the work for her. So even when it comes to the only thing she cares about 90 % of the time, which is Naruto-kun, she can’t do anything about it. That’s really sad.

”HINATA IS KIND AND SELFLESS”

There’s one mistake I see people make often, and that’s assuming characters that are quiet and shy are automatically kind. I wouldn’t say Hinata is as kind as the fandom makes her out to be. She simply comes off that way because you don’t really see her have her own opinions or disagree with the other characters. Hinata’s shyness on the other hand is most of the time a fetishized quirk to appeal to certain subset of fans. Her shyness doesn’t stop her from taking exams or hanging around Shino and Kiba, or talking to characters other than Naruto. She also has enough attitude to rub Neji’s status as a house slave in his face during their match, but because she stutters Naruto-kun every five minutes she’s supposedly kind. Kindness is shown through actions, not through standing around and stuttering. For comparison, we see Ino befriend an unpopular kid like Sakura, and give her confidence. That’s an act of kindness. Did Hinata ever cared about helping the branch members in any way? No.

She's supposedly "kind" but like I mentioned before she never shows this kindness by standing up for Naruto, or reaching out to him. She simply stares at him behind a tree and draws inspiration from his suffering. The only time she can actually stand up is to selfishly confess her love and die. She even said she felt like being selfish, and like I said she knew there was nothing she could do, she was told she’d only be in the way. She came there only to confess and commit suicide. This actually reminds me of another anime where this female character, after being unable to receive a male character’s love killed herself in front of him and said ”now you’ll never forget me”.

In the end, she cares about nothing but her own hormonal urges. Hinata tried to help Naruto cheat to pass an exam at the risk of disqualifying her whole team. This is the first individual action we see her character take. Did she consider Shino and Kiba during that moment? No, she didn’t even have an inner conflict on whether she should do this, whether it’s right towards her teammates. Even Naruto considers he might get Hinata, Sasuke and Sakura all in trouble if he accepts Hinata’s offer, which is why he doesn’t do it. Then when Hinata wonders if she can cheer for Naruto during his and Kiba’s match, she thinks Kiba might get mad. It’s more about how Kiba views her rather than whether she should cheer for Kiba because they are in the same team and should support each other. During the Pain attack, she left an injured shinobi, who couldn’t move, to go to Naruto, even when said shinobi told her she would only be in Naruto’s way. She didn’t try to save people, she simply wanted to confess and act in front of Naruto. This is about a threat to the entire village, which includes her comrades and her sister and she’s thinking only about her romantic feelings towards a guy she had maybe two conversations with and who barely remembers she exists. How is she better than Sakura? War arc really was the icing on the cake that Hinata’s character is only about Naruto. We should not forget the infamous ”Naruto-kun’s hand is so big… so manly...” is that really the right time to be thirsty? When Neji just died? Shikamaru mentions that he could help out Naruto as a right-hand man and then Hinata thinks “I-I want to be by Naruto-kun’s side too.” Then there’s of course the scene where she starts running to Naruto, leaving her post and teammates, even when Naruto is a mile away and already in the hands of medical ninjas, and even that ends up her pathetically tripping over a rock. Kiba has to remind her to use her byakugan because she is too busy gushing about Naruto. Eventually her only last line is “Naruto-kun”, when everyone is put into IT. It’s like a parody by this point. She doesn’t have any concern for her sister, her father, her teammates, Kurenai or her baby. It’s just “Naruto-kun” like it always is. Even in the Last movie, she is knitting a scarf for Naruto during the mission where they’re supposed to save her sister. Who brings a scarf on a mission? Why is she thinking about her romantic gift to Naruto so much she has to take it with her on a mission which focus is saving her sister? She even looks more devastated when Toneri tores the scarf apart than she ever does for Hanabi’s sake. It’s just silly and selfish.

”HINATA IS A COMPLEX CHARACTER”

Is she complex though? Her development goes from standing behind a tree looking at her crush she never talks to, to committing suicide for feelings that could never be reciprocated, to… waiting that a genjutsu and Sakura guilt trip Naruto enough for him to be with her? Like I already mentioned her character revolves entirely around Naruto, she has no hobbies or interests we know of aside from him. She has no motivations aside from being by Naruto’s side. She once had an interesting goal and backstory, but that was never fully explored, and it turned into her wanting Naruto’s attention and thinking about him. Her clan plot was irrelevant, she showed no interest in wanting to be a leader or even wanting to make things better for the branch members. It’s funny because immediately after the ending, no one cared about the Hyuuga branch and how the storyline was dropped and had no resolution. It was only when Hinata was being attacked for not showing to care did her fans start to over-analyze all the panels looking for the tiniest little clue that might hint at some changes.

It’s possible to be both shy, anxious and quiet and also to be strong, motivated and have interests and dreams. Hinata is never strong for herself, she’s only strong to be with Naruto, to die for Naruto, to motivate Naruto, to have Naruto look at her even for a moment. All the while Naruto doesn’t pay much attention to her unless she’s literally dying in front of him or she slapped him. Even when a big climax is happening, what’s on her mind is always her romantic feelings and her crush. I saw someone say if she were a male character, and she pulled this pointless sacrifice and theatrical confession in the final fight of an arc, she would’ve been universally mocked. Actually, I think even if it was Sakura who did this instead of Hinata the former would have been mocked, because their stans are unable to see the same flaws in their own fave as they see in the other girl. Naruto is a battle manga, characters are supposed to contribute to the defeat of the villain in some material way. The only reason people praise Hinata for what she did in the Pain arc is because they either pity her or because they’re men who think women killing themselves for a man is great because it boosts their ego.

I also notice many Hinata fans don’t notice the vanity in their own fandom. They call Hinata “princess”, ”heiress”, ”Konoha’s first lady” and draw fanart glorifying these concepts and how it makes Hinata good, because they like the superficial status, what they don’t care is the titles are unearned. I thought Hinata’s appeal was that she’s the underdog and a loser? Or maybe her real appeal is the idea of getting everything you want without doing much in order to get it? Another claim is that Hinata is the perfect woman, which you might see from men. This is what I might dislike the most. Men judge Hinata’s worth and whether she’s a good character based on what kind of woman they want and think is the right kind of woman. Hinata has big breasts, she’s submissive, she has no other interests than the man she likes, and she’s the only girl in her class who didn’t go for the popular guy. Many men hate Sakura, Ino and Karin for being fangirls but praise Hinata for being a fangirl. Basically to them if a character is a fangirl of the wrong guy, she’s a stupid slut. If she fangirls their self insert, she’s wife material and the ideal woman. If Sakura has to be saved, she’s useless. If Hinata tries to kill herself for Naruto, she’s ”so kind”. Rin is a one-dimensional character, but Hinata saying Naruto-kun for the 50th time is depth. Hinata is also claimed to be better than the other girls because she had more kids and thus is more ”fertile”. It’s like feminism never happened and we are back to the 16th century. Why are we judging women’s worth on how many kids they have and how much they can please a man?

I could also talk about how Studio Pierrot turned Hinata into a hentai bait for otakus, which also plays a part in her popularity, but I don’t think it’s necessary, so I will just offer this picture which speaks for itself.

END NOTE

Hinata is simply just a sexist stereotype, a shadow of a real woman, with not much depth, and who is certainly not better than Sakura either. Both of them are fangirls whose characters revolve around men. It’s wild to me how there are women who genuinely act like one must be a misogynist if they reject Hinata’s superficial, one-dimensional and boy crazy character. Her character itself is misogynist for crying out loud. And honestly, what does it say when even the creator himself assumes that Hinata is someone’s favorite character because he must like big boobs?

#anti hinata #anti hinata hyuga #mp #I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with this #but there's just not much to talk about when it comes to her character #it would just become repetitive

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lilyclawthorne · 2 years

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Hello! I love your blog. I was wondering what your take was on the triplets being overworked. Surely Alma didn’t put that kind of work/need for perfection on them immediately, so when do you think that started? I think it could’ve been when they turned 10, or possibly during the pre-teen years

I’m mad at tumblr because I wrote a whole thing and then it got lost, so here’s take 2. Anyways, I agree it probably wasn’t pressure at the very first moment, but I think it maybe it came to each triplet at different ages, so I guess here’s some headcanons on what that may have looked like for each of them.

Julieta

A five year old being left alone in a kitchen would not sound like a good combo to anyone, including Alma. She starts teaching Julieta how to cook and be safe in the kitchen, supervising her when she does so.

Over the first few years, Julieta gets the hang of it, and she even has a couple of simple recipes she knows like the back of her hand.

Casita has also been shown to be pretty good at supervising children by this point.

So at about 8 or 9, Alma let’s Julieta begin cooking by herself, with Casita watching over her. She’s asked to make a batch of something each day is all.

Alma is fairly impressed with Julieta and praises her, and Julieta likes making her mother proud, so when demand begins to grow, the girl keeps up with it, even if it means more and more time in the kitchen everyday, and eventually it just becomes the expectation instead.

I will say, I think Alma delivered the food before then, and when Juliet’s started making it on her own, they tried to have her hand it out as well, but the girl actually cried at the sight of blood and broken bones, and even had nightmares about it. So Alma keeps handing out the food until she’s a bit older, maybe around 13 or so.

Bruno

At first I think Alma simply just asks him to tell her when he has a vision, and she decides what to do with that information. After all, they don’t know exactly how this power works, so they can’t know where to go with it right away.

Eventually she encourages him to try having at least one vision a day, just to get the hang of having them. Once that’s happening, she asks him to try and focus on a specific person or thing. It’s baby steps, and takes awhile to get through each one.

She’s fully supportive of him messing around with his methods and finding the ritual that helps him do it, as long as it’s helping his power grow.

After a few years, once he’s able to look for specific things, Alma starts bringing people in, but it’s never huge things, definitely nothing that would obviously involved death, illness, or injury. That’s a lot of a kid to be seeing.

Once he’s gotten used to seeing people as well, maybe by the time he’s 11 or 12, she decides he can start giving visions to those who ask. Of course people come running, and that’s how he discovers too many visions cause awful headaches, but he doesn’t want to complain.

After the initial excitement of it all dies down, most people who are coming to him are probably people who have a reason to be worried about the future, they already know worst case scenarios are a possibility and they’re hoping he’ll tell them it won’t happen. People who aren’t worried about the future have less of a reason to see him. Sometimes they do turn out good, but often times he’s just confirming people’s worst suspicions, which is why he gains the reputation of being bad luck.

Pepa

This is one Alma doesn’t quite know where to begin with. Plenty of parents teach their kids how to cook, and future vision isn’t normal, but at least she could figure out what steps to take with it. How do you teach a five year old the emotional maturity that tends to only come with age and growing up?

Also, when small children experience bad things, they can quite literally be the worst thing sun their life, since they haven’t lived a very long life. And Pepa certainly loves to cry, or throw tantrums, or just always feels her emotions in very big ways.

So she can’t teach her how to control her emotions so easily, but she can certainly help her manage them. I like to imagine for the first years or so, whenever Pepa cries, Alma would take her for a walk, typically to the crops or a garden so the rain can also be useful, and by the time they’re done Pepa has calmed down.

She can’t do that all the time though, so she tries to find other ways for Pepa to let out her feelings, but they just, do not work, even if she’s sad and writing her feelings out, she’s still sad, so it still rains. If she’s angry and punching a pillow or something, she’s still angry, so there’s still thunder and lightning in the sky.

So she goes for visualizing calm and focusing on something else. That’s where “clear skies” comes from. It works for a bit, but especially as Pepa gets older, there’s times she wants to feel her emotions, needs to let them out, and well it certainly leads to arguing with her mother.

By the time she’s 13, now that she’s “not a kid” anymore supposedly, people aren’t afraid to comment that she needs to grow up and stop letting her emotions get the best of her. Not a great look here, but Alma thinks this is the kind of thing that maybe Pepa just needs to hear to understand the impact she has, so she lets her know.

It’s one thing to Pepa when she just thinks her mother is getting frustrated with her, but when it seems like everyone in town is, it’s another. The idea that she could be making everyone upset, upsets her, and thus she starts repressing her emotions way more.

#encanto #ask #anon #encanto headcanons #julieta madrigal #bruno madrigal #pepa madrigal #madrigal triplets #alma madrigal

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arrowflier · 3 years

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Hi I don't have tumblr, so not sure how this works. Came across your blog though, and spent three days just reading everything you've written and reblogged. Such a fun three days! I have so many ideas for prompts, but the one I'm most curious about is what happens when Ian has a rough patch of mania maybe a couple years into their marriage and what kind of plans do Mickey and Ian have for either an upswing or a downswing of his bipolar? Thanks so much excited to see what you come up with!

Hi there! It's such a compliment that you went through my rambles, glad you're enjoying.💖 Standard disclaimer: everything I know about bipolar disorder comes from the internet. It's an important part of Ian that I want to be respectful of, so as always please let me know if I miss the mark.

Caring for your partner, Rule 1: Be There

When Mickey woke up, Ian wasn’t in bed.

That wasn’t terribly unusual in and of itself. What was unusual was that it was only 3AM, on a Saturday, and Mickey could already hear his husband moving outside their room. The footsteps outside the door were soft, restrained, like Ian didn’t want to wake him. But the following clatter in the kitchen was alarmingly loud as Ian opened the drawer under the oven to pull out a pan, and Mickey groaned.

He wanted to roll over, pull a pillow over his head, and block out whatever this was so he could go back to sleep. They’d been working long days, and sometimes longer nights as the dispensaries were all pulling overtime with increasing demand. They’d only made it to bed like two hours ago, for fuck’s sake, and Mickey was tired.

But Ian should have been tired too, and it was never a good sign when he wasn’t. So Mickey sat up with a sigh, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand, and swung his legs out of bed.

He winced when his bare feet touched the cold wooden floor. They had been here for almost a year already, and they still hadn’t gotten ‘round to buying a fucking rug for the bedroom.

Mickey shivered as he hopped awkwardly toward the closed bedroom door, grabbing his robe from a hook there and tugging it on over his thin shirt and the boxers he was pretty sure started out on Ian’s side of the dresser. Wrapping it closed, he slipped out the door and into the brightly lit hallway, squinting blearily as he followed the sound of pots and pans to the kitchen.

Ian had half their crockery out on the counter already. His red hair gleamed under the sharp light of the long fluorescent bulbs overhead as he stirred batter in a large bowl they had borrowed from Debbie last week and never given back, wooden spoon clanking against the sides erratically.

Erratically. That was a good word for it, Mickey thought. The mindless clink clink clink of wood on metal in no discernible pattern, just like the route Ian took around their table, to the counter, to the fridge, and back to the oven again. Mindless, pacing, random.

Mickey leaned against the wall, and watched.

They had talked about this, since the last time. At least, since the last time Mickey had been worried. When Ian was down, when he didn’t want to get up. When Mickey dragged him out on his first run and they talked afterward in the kitchen, when Mickey made clear that his worry was just one more face of what they had together.

He’d come down the next morning to Ian at the kitchen table, the whole place eerily quiet for a place they still shared with too many fucking people. There had been coffee in the pot, toast on the table, and Ian, picking at his cuticles and not meeting Mickey’s eyes.

“We need to talk,” he’d said, and Mickey’s heart had dropped into his stomach.

“Can I wake the fuck up first?” he’d asked, but Ian had just kicked a chair out for him and waited, not meeting his eyes, until Mickey sat down.

They’d sat silently for a long moment, Mickey unwilling to ask what it was about. Finally, Ian had sighed, and reached out for Mickey’s hand across the table.

“It’s about the bipolar,” he’d said, and Mickey had been so relieved he could feel it in his fucking toes, bare and cold against the tile floor.

“Oh. Okay.”

Ian had been startled by his easy acceptance of the topic, he could tell.

“That’s it?” He’d sounded almost confused.

Mickey had shrugged.

“I mean, yeah?” He’d rubbed the rest of the sleep from his eyes with the hand no holding Ian’s. “You had me worried, man, with the we need to talk thing. But this is just normal shit.”

Ian had just stared at him, then released his hand to lean back against his chair.

“Normal?” He’d asked disbelievingly. “There’s nothing normal about planning for my imminent mental break, Mickey.

Mickey had snorted at the irony of it. “You kidding me?” he’d said. “It’s the most normal fucking thing about us.”

As he watched Ian in the kitchen now, making pancakes at 3AM on a Saturday morning, Mickey thought that was probably still true.

“Hey, Martha Stewart,” he said softly from his position against the wall, still leaning there as Ian spun around with surprise painted over his face. His eyes were off, the light not quite there, but they still warmed when he saw Mickey.

“Hey,” Ian said back, voice high and too chipper. “I’m making pancakes, you want some? I’ve got banana, your favorite, and chocolate chips, and strawberries…”

He went on to list more ingredients, but Mickey wasn’t really listening. He could see it all anyway, spread out over the kitchen like so many half-made decisions, half-baked ideas that kept giving way to something else.

“Mickey?” Ian asked, and he snapped out of it.

“Yeah,” he answered with a smile. “Yeah, I’d love some pancakes. Why don’t you let me stir for a awhile?”

—

They had their pancakes standing up next to the counter, nowhere left to rest their plates on the crowded surfaces of the kitchen. Ian talked about the merits of each ingredient as they ate, and Mickey listened, and nodded along as best he could.

This was okay. It was pancakes in their boxers at 3AM with no sleep in a kitchen that looked like it was hit by a tornado, but Ian was eating, and Ian was smiling, and Ian was there.

And when Ian stopped and tried to set his plate down, distress on his face as he was confronted with the mess he had made, Mickey took the dish from him with easy hands.

“You want to sit down awhile?” he tried, nudging Ian gently out of the disaster-zone. “Bet you’re tired after eating all that.”

He knew Ian wasn’t, but he kept a hand on his back anyway until they were out in the living room, next to the sofa. Mickey let go to sit down himself with a groan, tired muscles aching at being used for too long without rest. He kept his eyes off Ian, just standing there, looking at him in that too-present, too-absent way of his, and leaned back against the cushions, eyes falling closed.

After a moment, the sofa dipped as Ian settled in beside him.

“Mickey?” Ian asked. The cushions bounced as he tapped his heel repeatedly on the floor.

“Yeah?” Mickey responded, squinting his eyes back open.

“Can I touch you?”

Mickey repressed the urge to sit up, to take Ian into his arms. Ian sounded too hesitant, a shift from moments before as he playfully shoved bites of overcooked batter into Mickey’s mouth.

But Ian didn’t like to be held like this.

“Of course you can, you moron,” Mickey said instead, and watched as Ian’s leg stopped moving. The other man drew closer, reaching a hand out to card through Mickey’s hair and drag down the side of his face, a touch too shaky and a touch too firm.

Ian had once said that touching Mickey grounded him, and Mickey hadn’t known if Ian thought that was a good thing or not. In the midst of hypomania, Ian didn’t always take kindly to being grounded.

But tonight—well, this morning—it seemed to be a good thing. Mickey was grateful for that.

Grateful, because it meant that Ian looked like himself as he moved to lay against him, and not like some over-saturated facsimile painted with too much water on the canvas, always shifting, always running. Grateful, because it meant that Ian pulled Mickey’s arms around him and settled into his side like they always did, even if his body never quite stilled at the contact.

Grateful, because it meant they wouldn’t fight tonight. That Mickey wouldn’t have to worry as much about what Ian might say, might do, if he stepped out of line. If he went off the script they had planned on a good day for dealing with bad ones to come.

He wouldn’t have to call Lip for backup. He wouldn’t have to tail Ian as he left the apartment to make sure he stayed safe. He wouldn’t have hide the knives, or their wallets, or anything else.

Not that he would have complained if he did. It was what it was. Ian was who he was. And Mickey would always see him through it. Love him through it.

They lay there, mostly quiet, except for the mindless tune Ian hummed against his neck, and the tap tap tap of his fingers on Mickey’s collarbone.

Eventually, the song cut off.

“Do I need to call the doctor?” Ian asked quietly into the echoing room, and Mickey nodded, rubbing a gentle hand through his hair.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I think so.”

He'd get everything together in the morning. Ian's journals, their schedule, their meal plan. The little notebook where he kept track of Ian's prescriptions, how they worked, how long they lasted.

Something had obviously slipped, either in their methods or in Ian himself. But Mickey was well past dwelling on what they could have done differently, and focused on what to do next.

Things happened. Things changed. They would adapt.

At Mickey's confirmation, Ian just nodded against him, fidgeting until their legs were too entwined to separate.

“Sleep first, if you can,” Mickey told him, settling in for a long rest of the night. “We’ll do it together when you wake up.”

Together. They’d do it together. Again and again and again, as much as they needed to. Because Ian was his husband, and this was their normal.

And their normal was still pretty damn good.

#daily speedwrite #fanfic #gallavich #mickey milkovich #ian gallagher #bipolar disorder #tw: mental health

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storytellerofuntoldlegends · 3 years

Text

an icarus and his sun: chapter 14

A/N: hello i return!! just one more chapter after this, it's so wild to think that this fic is almost over!

Warnings: kissing, self-worth issues, talk of near death situations and past injury

AO3 Link - Tumblr Masterpost

Kissing Scott felt like Jimmy was cradling sunlight in his hands. Something that should have been impossible, and yet all the same it was happening. And now that Scott had Jimmy, he seemed determined not to let him go. Not that Jimmy was exactly complaining about Scott’s new mission to kiss him breathless- but considering not too long ago Scott was trying to make him breathless in an entirely different sense, and that the others didn’t even know what all went down… they should probably stop. So with great regret, Jimmy tried to pull away from Scott- key word there being tried.

“Scott, c’mon, let go of me,” Jimmy chuckled, dodging yet another kiss. Scott settled for pressing his lips to Jimmy’s cheek before tucking his head under Jimmy’s chin. His wings shifted to curl around the both of them, and as nice as it felt, they really needed to get up from the floor so that Jimmy could let his friends know what happened.

“Mm… no,” Scott hummed with a giggle.

“We should probably tell the others what happened- they all think you’re still fighting off the corruption, or are possessed,” Jimmy pointed out.

“I don’t see why we can’t just tell them later,” Scott pouted. Jimmy let out a fond, incredulous sigh.

“You also haven’t properly eaten anything in a few days, you’ve been living off of splash health potions for the most part,” Jimmy said sternly.

“Well, I know something I’m hungry for,” Scott teased, and Jimmy didn’t even need to see his face to know that he was smirking. Jimmy sighed again.

“And I thought you were incorrigible when we hated each other,” he commented with a chuckle. Scott pulled away enough to look at Jimmy with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“You’re stuck with me now, better get used to it, sweetheart,” he murmured. Jimmy could feel his face warm up considerably at the petname, and Scott grinned at the sight. Well, two could play that game.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing, sunshine,” Jimmy replied with a grin. Scott’s eyes went wide, and he flushed pink all the way to the tips of his ears.

“Oh you can flirt back now. Right,” Scott managed to get out, voice coming out a bit strained. Jimmy just grinned wider.

“So what do you say, sunshine? How about we let everyone know that neither of us are dead and that you’re also not possessed?” Jimmy offered. Scott made a flustered sound at being called “sunshine” again, but collected himself enough to let out a sigh of defeat.

“Fine,” he grumbled, before getting up off of Jimmy. Jimmy stood up as well- just in time to catch Scott as he suddenly tilted to one side. Scott was leaning against Jimmy heavily, and Jimmy looped an arm around his waist as he tried to keep Scott upright.

“Scott?!” Jimmy gasped, unable to keep the panic from his tone.

“M’okay- think that lack of actual food thing is catching up to me. Just stood up too fast and got dizzy, that’s all,” Scott reassured him, standing up a bit more but still holding on to Jimmy, just to be sure.

“Then we’d really better tell the others so that we can work on getting your strength back,” Jimmy said with a relieved smile. He led Scott over to the lever for the secret door, and the moment he flicked it, a group of people came tumbling in. Nearly all of them fell to the floor in a heap, except for Pearl and Pixl, who sheepishly smiled at Jimmy and Scott. Gem was the first to pick herself up from the floor, dusting off her robes and letting out a nervous laugh.

“We uh. We might have been listening for a little bit there! We just didn’t want to interrupt,” Gem explained sheepishly. The others picked themselves off from the floor as she spoke, and Shelby was the last to get up from the floor, holding a black shulker box to her chest.

“Where’d the corruption go, I’ve got a box for it!” Shelby chirped, peering around Jimmy and Scott. The two of them blinked in surprise, and Scott looked to his arm. The corruption was long gone, all that was left was a scar from the initial cut. Jimmy looked around the room, and soon spotted what was left of the corruption lying on the floor near where he and Scott had fought. It looked like a mass of red vines that twitched every so often, and Jimmy’s stomach turned with nausea at the sight. Scott seemed to notice Jimmy’s sudden distress, and followed his gaze, only for Scott himself to turn several shades paler than he already was as he clung to Jimmy a bit tighter. Shelby noticed where the two of them were looking, and quickly scrambled over to carefully gather up the corruption and put it in the shulker box.

“Hey, easy, just look at me- you’re okay,” Jimmy soothed, reaching out to gently turn Scott’s head towards him. Scott’s look seemed far away even as he was looking into Jimmy’s eyes, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before blinking them open with a shaky sigh, gaze looking much more focused than before as he leaned his forehead against Jimmy’s.

“I think it’s probably good I’ve only been living off of health potions, pretty sure I would have just lost whatever I would have eaten right then,” Scott got out with a short laugh.

“So… how did you get the corruption out anyway?” Pixl asked after pointedly clearing his throat. Jimmy and Scott jumped slightly, pulling away from each other (but not far enough for Scott to be without standing support) with a pair of sheepish smiles.

“Well I uh. We were fighting, and I might’ve kissed Scott to throw him off, but it ended up being the push to snap him out of it and fight against the corruption,” Jimmy explained with a blush. Scott looked at Jimmy with a perplexed expression.

“Jimmy… I didn’t do anything against the corruption. It- before I woke up with you uh… holding me, the last thing I remembered was losing to another version of myself in some sort of red dreamscape. Your kiss saved me, not anything I did,” Scott explained. A series of adoring coos and gasps sounded from the group, and Jimmy felt his face burn.

“True love was the key this whole time?” Shelby pondered, looking down at the shulker box she held with the now contained corruption.

“Well- I- surely it’s gotta be more than that,” Jimmy managed to get out, feeling incredibly flustered.

“So a mix of love and wills, then. It sounded like Scott maybe could have beaten it on his own, he just needed the extra help!” Shelby replied with a shrug. Scott frowned.

“I don’t know, honestly. The other me- it- he?- was mostly toying with me, I think. Said something about how ‘he’ would be pleased to know that I was specifically under the corruption’s control,” Scott explained shakily.

“He?” Gem asked, brows furrowed in concern.

“The other me referred to some other person that he was sent by, maybe? Then when I asked about who the ‘he’ was, the other me said something about how I didn’t ‘remember’ and how that made me easy to control,” Scott continued.

“The corruption is sentient?!” Shelby gasped, holding the shulker box away from herself.

“And apparently sent by someone else? And seemed to already know you somehow?” Gem pondered. Scott shrugged helplessly.

“I don’t know. All I know is that it’s gone now, and I’m extremely glad for that,” Scott said, voice tight with nerves as the barrage of questions began to overwhelm him.

“And we’re glad you’re okay too!” Katherine piped up, stepping forward with a smile, clearly picking up on Scott’s discomfort. Scott blinked in surprise at her words.

“You.. are?” he asked in disbelief. Katherine just looked as surprised, if not more, than Scott did. The others had a mixture of concern and confusion on their faces as well, and Scott shifted uncomfortably at the attention.

“Why would I not be?” Katherine asked. Scott swallowed nervously.

“I- I knew about Fwhip’s plan for the ball, and didn’t say anything. Your- your castle was destroyed because I was too afraid to do anything about it,” he replied, voice barely above a whisper, as if he was afraid speaking any louder would awaken the wrath of those around him. An almost wounded expression came across Katherine’s face.

“Scott, even if I was still mad at you when we found you lying in front of Gem’s home, I wouldn’t have wanted you to die. Besides, between Fwhip’s gloating monologue and what we knew from what Pearl and Gem had told us, we know that you weren’t exactly a willing participant in Fwhip’s plan,” Katherine said softly, taking a slow step closer to Scott. His wings shifted anxiously, and Jimmy gently squeezed Scott’s arm to comfort him.

“I- you’re not mad?” he asked, voice still hushed and timid. Katherine smiled gently.

“No, I’m not. If castles can be rebuilt, so can friendships,” Katherine replied softly, holding out her arms. Scott barely hesitated at the invitation, letting go of Jimmy to instead hug Katherine tightly. Any remaining tension Scott held seemed to melt away as Katherine hugged him back. He hesitantly drew back after a few moments, a contemplative expression on his face.

“Is something wrong?” Jimmy asked. He reached out towards him, intending to put a comforting hand on his shoulder- but was pleasantly surprised by Scott taking his hand and tugging him closer so that they could stand side-by-side, fingers intertwined. Jimmy felt his face flush, and Scott smirked at him for a brief moment before schooling his expression into something more serious.

“So now that the uh- the corruption is dealt with. For now. Hopefully. Anyway what I’m trying to say is- what do we do about Fwhip and Sausage?” Scott asked. The others exchanged glances, seemingly having an entire conversation without words that Jimmy was hopelessly unable to decipher. Scott didn’t look like he knew what was going on either, and seemed a little apprehensive at that fact.

“We’ll protect you,” Katherine said firmly. The rest of the group nodded in agreement. Jimmy found himself nodding too- and to his shock, Scott seemed a little flustered.

“I- that’s a nice gesture, but not really what I meant- I was talking about them in a more general sense, not just if they try to come after me specifically. Again,” Scott explained with a sheepish laugh.

“Well I can definitely handle whatever they throw at us. Fwhip ran like a coward after I chased him away a few days ago,” Pearl said with a confident grin.

“Sausage won’t be an issue either, not with my magic to defend us!” Gem added.

“If I’m not gonna take out my rage on Scott for playing with Jimmy’s heart, then I guess I can settle for Fwhip or Sausage,” Lizzie said with a shrug. Scott paled slightly, and Jimmy frowned at Lizzie with a disapproving glare.

“Lizzie, you don’t need to be mad at him anymore, we made up!” Jimmy protested, raising their joined hands as proof.

“Think a little more than that happened,” Pixl commented dryly. Joel let out a laugh that he was quick to stifle, pushing at Pixl with one hand while covering his mouth with the other. Lizzie rolled her eyes at the two of them before looking at Jimmy again.

“Well I’m not mad because of that, but how do I know he’s good enough for you?” Lizzie said, glaring at Scott in a way that Jimmy could tell was playful, but Scott didn’t seem to realize that, wings stiffening before relaxing as he took a deep breath.

“I know I have a lot to make up for. And I know it’s not gonna be as easy as me nearly dying on you all to gain your trust again. But I’m willing to make an effort-” Scott paused, looking at Jimmy the gentlest he ever had, the ice in his eyes melting for Jimmy and for Jimmy alone- “because he’s worth it.”

“Scott…” Jimmy trailed off, unsure of what to say after all of that. Scott just smiled at him and squeezed his hand. Lizzie just blinked at them, dumbfounded for a moment.

“I was mostly just messing with you, but… I’m glad to know that you’re serious about him,” Lizzie said with a smile. Scott let out a breath of relief, smiling back before his expression settled into something more resolute.

“Speaking of serious, we should probably discuss more concrete defense plans in case of any other sort of attack from Fwhip and Sausage,” Scott said. Various sounds and mutters of agreement filled the room, and they began discussing defensive strategies- things like making moats, building walls, and sharpening their fighting skills. Jimmy didn’t contribute much to the conversation, not that he exactly had much to offer- but even if he did, he was too busy listening to Scott with rapt attention, a smitten expression on his face all the while.

Taglists below! Let me know if you wanna be added/removed to/from either!

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lavaffair · 2 years

Text

Begin Again - Rated T

Chapter Eight

You can read it on AO3!

Chapter 7 on tumblr

The bar was fairly crowded with more people than expected for a Saturday night, but if it meant good business and extra cash for the employees Inuyasha wasn’t complaining.

A couple of hours have passed since the elevator situation that had happened earlier with Kagome, and Inuyasha needed a drink after all that had happened. As soon as Kagome was cleared to go back home since the medics concluded that she didn’t need to go to the hospital, he walked her over and she didn’t appear for the rest of the day. They exchanged knocks on their shared wall here and there, but after a while, she stopped, and Inuyasha assumed she fell asleep. She needed it after the day she had, and he wasn’t worried about anything being wrong with her since he could hear her tossing around in her room.

The painters that were contracted to paint the stairs were able to finish their work once the emergency personnel left because there was a second elevator still in service, and the fresh paint had completely dried by dusk.

It had just been their luck to have gotten on the troublesome lift, instead of the one that was actually working perfectly. The half-demon couldn’t say that he minded being trapped in the elevator with Kagome though; after all, he was able to finally ask her to be his wedding date and getting to hold her so close was just a bonus.

Besides his terribly long day that was another reason why he had decided to call Shippo to meet him at their favorite bar. He wanted to update the fox kit on everything that happened, and also celebrate the fact that he finally asked her after dodging the idea for so long.

“You asked her to be your date in the most unromantic way possible!” Shippo laughed, “How could you mess up that badly?”

“I kept holdin’ it off!” Inuyasha growled, “Kept bein’ a fuckin’ bitch about asking her, but after seeing how she was acting when we were stuck it was the first thing that came to mind to get her to think about somethin’ else.”

He leaned back on the chair and sighed. “Well, that and also ‘cause I figured that if it was meant to happen, she would be my date no matter what.”

“And yet you asked her when you were stuck in a hot elevator for two hours!” The fox demon laughed.

“I didn’t think too hard about it before I did it!” Inuyasha defended.

“You don’t think too hard in general.” Shippo teased. He ducked his head in quick reaction to the clawed fist that came swinging at him and couldn’t help his loud belly laugh from escaping his lips.

“Yer lucky I like ya enough not to do anything too crazy to ya.” The half-demon grumbled before taking another swig of his beer.

Shippo smirked, “You don’t like me as much as you like Kagome.”

Inuyasha’s cheeks turned pink, and he chugged the beer down in a haste decision to stall his reply. He placed the cup down and waved at the bartender to ask for another beer before meeting the eyes of his smug-looking coworker. “I-I can’t deny that.”

“Uh-huh.” Shippo took a sip of his beer, “I’m cuter than her though.”

Inuyasha snorted at him, “Not by a long shot.”

“Oh come on, the tail adds a few cute points to me. The girls think so, anyway.” He wiggled his eyebrows and grinned proudly.

“That’s ‘cause they wanna touch it, come on runt, get with the program,” Inuyasha smirked before taking down half of the contents in the cup.

Shippo shrugged, “Oh no! Cute girls dig my fox tail, whatever shall I do?” He acted out dramatically, “I’m gonna take that opportunity every time I can.”

“Attention whore,” the half-demon laughed. “I haven’t even let Kagome touch my ears yet, and she wants to touch them real bad.”

“You’re fucking up every opportunity that comes to you!” The fox kit exclaimed. “A cute girl moves next door and you don’t do anything about it even though you have the biggest fucking crush on her, she wants to touch your ears, she’s funny, and a bunch of other things you’ve told me about; and yet you do nothing!”

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow at him before taking down another cup full of beer and asking for his, fifth? sixth?; refill the night and scowled. He hated it when Shippo was right; which happened a lot, because that meant he was going to have to think about reasons in order to defend himself.

Unfortunately, he didn’t really have much to defend. Inuyasha was just a huge scaredy-cat when it came to a woman named Kagome.

“I don’t know if she likes me back.” He replied pathetically.

“You have to be joking.” Shippo quickly responded. “That girl’s crazy for you.”

The bartender placed a new cup of beer in front of the half-demon, who immediately took a giant gulp of the liquid into his mouth. “I don’t know that for sure.”

Shippo groaned, “You do know you’re just being stupid!” He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Did what happened between you two today suddenly evaporate from your big head?”

Inuyasha flushed and looked away, “N-no.” He cleared his throat, “Of course not.”

“Good. Then we both know you two almost, and should have; kissed after sharing that insanely intense eye contact you raved on to me about.”

“That doesn’t mean anythin’!”

“Inuyasha, of course, it does!”

The half-demon asked for another beer, finally feeling the buzz started to hit him after his seventh round. “Yer tellin’ me the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met likes me back?”

Shippo nodded at his friend, “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

“Bah.” Inuyasha scoffed, “She could have anyone. Why me?”

“Because apparently, she has a thing for grumpy half-demons.” The fox kit grinned. “You told me you would go for the next girl who drives you nuts, and you found her, but you haven’t made a move.”

The beer was really starting to take effect on him, and now on his tenth cup, the potency of the beverage was strong enough to get him going. If he kept going he would be totally fucked.

He hasn’t felt this way in a long time.

Shippo’s decision to start playing matchmaker wasn’t helping at all.

“She deserves someone else.” The alcohol spoke for him.

Shippo wanted to slam Inuyasha’s head on the table and yell some sense into him, the only thing holding him back from doing it was Inuyasha’s strength and the fact that they were in a crowded bar. He knew where this self-doubt was coming from, and he needed to squash it down once and for all. “Dude is this about… Kikyo?”

The question stunned him, leaving silence to be Shippo’s answer.

“You can’t let what happened between you guys ruin this chance for you.” Shippo quickly stared up at the ceiling and sighed, “You’re a cocky ass dude when you’re not drinking, you know. You told me the same thing you told her; that you wouldn’t hesitate to ask out the girl that makes you crazy. But, you keep hesitating.”

“You’re right.” Inuyasha groaned. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” The fox kit laughed.

Another snort left the half-demon’s nose, “Nah. But I’ll give ya a pass tonight.”

A brief silence fell between the two demons as Inuyasha finished another beer.

“So, are you gonna tell her?” Shippo pondered.

Inuyasha nodded. “Yeah. I’m gonna tell her.”

_______

It was late, and Kagome was still recovering from the eventful morning she had with Inuyasha. Getting stuck in an elevator was not part of her to-do list today, and as soon as she stepped inside her home, she threw the to-do list aside for tomorrow and fell asleep.

She deserved it.

On top of being trapped in a lift, she had gotten trapped with Inuyasha, and that fact alone had her heart racing and her stomach fluttering with butterflies. Whatever was going on between them inside of that elevator car was intense, and it’s been on her mind all day long.

They had almost shared a kiss. However, getting interrupted by fire rescue had ruined their moment, and all it left Kagome with was a lot of questions without any answers.

The idea that Inuyasha liked her back was scary enough; adding that he likes her and wants to kiss her makes her brain turn into putty and her legs into jelly. The way he was looking at her, holding her close, and comforting her; there was clearly something happening between them and she didn’t know how to handle it.

She wanted to tell Sango, but she was busy at the moment with a project, so girl talk would have to be postponed until they were both available.

“Buyo, do you think Inuyasha likes me back?” Kagome asked her lazy cat.

Meow.

“That answer doesn’t help me at all!” She groaned and fell back onto her couch. “I don’t know if he likes me back, or if it was the lack of air we had that got to his head!”

Buyo flicked his tail and rolled onto his back, clearly not understanding the situation but wanting tummy rubs.

Kagome pouted as she rubbed her cat's belly, trying to think of reasonable answers to her own questions. “I’m too scared to tell him, Buyo. What if I confess, and everything gets weird?" She sighed "Then it's just more heartbreak and awkward fumbling around each other.”

She rested her head on the back of the couch and sighed defeatedly. “Then our whole dynamic is ruined because of one stupid confession.”

A loud sound outside of her door startled her and her cat, the feline darting off the couch and into her bedroom for safety. Kagome stood up and let out a shaky breath. Inuyasha wasn’t home yet, so she would have to check this out for herself. She tiptoed to her umbrella rack and grabbed onto the heaviest of the bunch before making her way to the front door.

She looked through the peephole and didn’t see anyone, which only made the hairs behind her neck stand on end. Her heartbeat was drumming in her ears, but she did her best to listen past it as she pressed her ear to her door to listen for any other sounds.

At first, she could only hear breathing, and she almost made a run for it to her phone to call Inuyasha, Sango, or Miroku to come to check out who the heck was standing outside of her door in the middle of the night.

However, that was before she heard the familiar sound of grumbling, and then her name was said by Inuyasha’s voice.

“Oh thank God,” she sighed in relief. The umbrella in her hand went slack in her grip, “I don’t need this thing anymore.”

She placed the umbrella back into the rack before opening her door to find her neighbor leaning on the side of the wall with his eyes shut.

“Inuyasha?” She asked him softly.

“Oh, hey Kagome!” He slurred at her.

Her eyes shot open in surprise, “Oh my gosh, are you drunk?!”

“Nah, I don’t get drunk, remember?” He laughed. “How come there are two of you? You never told me you have a sister!”

“Oh my god.” She laughed. “Where are your keys? Let’s get you inside.”

Inuyasha shrugged dramatically before leaning back on the wall. “I don’t know where they are, ‘Gome.”

“That’s not good, Yash.” She sighed. “Okay, do you want to come inside my apartment until you’re better?”

“No.” Inuyasha pouted. “I am better right now, you should be asleep.” His speech was so slurred, and yet somehow she understood him.

“You’re clearly very drunk, and you can't stand outside. I know you’re a half-demon and all but it’s late.”

He rolled his head to the side and stared at her intently. “I’m very drunk, and yer very pretty.”

Kagome flushed at his sincere compliment, “W-what does that have to do with you coming inside my apartment?”

If he wasn’t drunk she would run into her room and scream into her pillow.

Inuyasha half grinned, “S’cause a pretty girl is askin’ me to come inside her home.” He moved a little closer to her, a smirk clear on his face, “That pretty girl bein’ you.”

If he wasn’t so drunk right now she would slam the girl in his face and forget everything that he said because what the hell does he mean by this?

“T-hank you. Now come on, let’s get you on the couch.” Gently, she took his hand into hers and led him into her living room. As soon as they both passed the door she quickly closed it and locked it. If anything happened, Inuyasha would be way too drunk to help out, and with her ex still out there knowing where she lived Kagome didn’t want to take any chances.

Still holding hands she leaned closer to him and checked out if anything was amiss. He looked fine, with no hints of any injury or a scuffle on his face, he just looked drunk and it was kind of cute.

“Do you want any water?” Kagome offered him kindly. “Or food? I can make us a little snack.”

He gazed at her intensely, his golden eyes never moving away from her face. They were glossed over and hazy, and yet they still held unspoken desires inside them.

Suddenly he pulled her closer to him with their intertwined hands, her chest bumping into his chiseled body, and he wrapped his arms around her back to keep her close. “Kagome.”

She squeaked in embarrassment, “Y-yes, Inuyasha?”

“You…” He breathed her in, the sweet scent of vanilla overtaking his senses like a drug. “Smell nice.”

Her brown eyes never left his golden gaze, “I do?”

The way he was staring into her had her feeling dizzy as if he was looking at something mesmerizing; like the moon and the stars, except he was staring into her chocolate brown eyes.

He leaned in closer, his warm breath that smelled like alcohol fanned over her face before it lingered over her lips. The look in his eyes told her that he was eager and nervous as if he was psyching himself up to confidently make his next move. Although his eyes held a look of uncertainty and nerves, the grip of his arms around her waist told a complete story. Inuyasha didn’t want to let go of her, no, it felt like he could stand here forever with Kagome securely in his arms.

Inuyasha was content with breathing in her scent forever if that’s what he was allowed to do.

“Yeah.” His breath lingered on her lips, “I could get drunk off of it.”

She shook her head and giggled, “You’re already drunk.”

He chuckled, the sound of her laugh ringing in his ears like little bells. “I guess it’s workin’ then.”

The grip on her waist didn’t loosen as he shifted one hand to hold her lower back while the other came up to brush some hair out of her face. “Kagome?”

“Yes?” She replied breathily. “What is it?”

“Can I…?” He slowly leaned in with half-lidded eyes, and Kagome quickly followed his lead.

She closed her eyes and held her breath as she waited for his mouth to crash into hers.

The moment never came.

Kagome heard him whine, it sounded similar to a dog and felt his lips peck at the tip of her nose. “Not yet.” He sighed shakily. “Not when I’m like this. Not yet.”

“B-but-!” She protested.

Inuyasha pulled her into a hug, it was comforting and warm, but she could feel him shaking against her and she didn’t know why.

She quickly realized she was shaking too.

“Y-you need to lay down, Yash.” Kagome reminded him as she laid her head comfortably onto his chest. “A-and leep, you’re drunk.”

He nodded and backed away from her, both of them missing the heat that their bodies had provided. Kagome led him to the couch, just in case he bumped into it before registering that he needed to lay down on it: and let him sit back.

“Sit tight. I’m grabbing you a blanket and a pillow.” She smiled before walking away from him with wobbly legs.

‘What was that?!’ She thought to herself in panic. It had only been one day, and yet it felt like so much had happened that it could have been months. Two almost-kisses in one day had her stomach flipping around in circles, and after this encounter, Kagome had her answer.

Inuyasha likes her back, there’s no more doubting that part of her dilemma. He looked at her like she was the one who put the stars in the sky, and she’s never had anyone look at her that way before in her entire life.

“Not the time, Kagome.” She told herself, shaking her head a few times to get her back on the task at hand. She needed to focus on getting him comfortable for bed, she can think about feelings later, right now she has a handsome, drunk half-demon in her living room who needs to go to sleep as soon as possible.

She can freak out after she puts the drunk hanyou to bed.

In a flash, she took one of the pillows from her bed, and the extra blanket out of her closet and sped walked towards her couch, where Inuyasha was now laying on. Before she could fully cover him, she decided to remove his shoes and leave them by the door so he didn’t ruin her furniture or sleep uncomfortably.

“Knowing how you’re half-demon, I don’t think I need to give you a lot of support since I’m sure you won’t throw up on furniture.” She told him, although it seemed like she was just talking to herself at this point. “But here’s one of my pillows.”

Kagome went to lift his head and slid the fluffy sack underneath, giving him enough comfort so he doesn’t have to wake up with any neck discomfort.

“Mmm.” She heard him mumble, “Smells like you.”

She blushed again, bright and red while covering him up with her fluffy blanket. Thankfully it was long enough to fit over his entire body and wide enough so he doesn’t have to choose a side and stick to it so the blanket doesn’t move around.

When she got closer to his chest, she snuggled him under the blanket and smiled at how cute he looked. He reminded her of a child being tucked into bed and she couldn’t help the little giggle that left her throat.

Once she was done fixing up whatever she saw as unfit, she went to go turn off the lights so he could sleep without any disturbances. However, when she turned back around to check on him one more time, she met his golden gaze staring right at her with a serious expression.

“Inuyasha?” She asked softly, “Is everything okay?”

He didn’t move from his position on the bed, only his eyes could be seen slowly gazing at her from her feet before meeting her eyes. “Beautiful.”

Her face heated up drastically, and she thanked heaven that the living room lights were off. “I-, what?”

“So beautiful.” He repeated it slower this time, a yawn escaping his lips before closing his eyes to succumb to sleep.

“Are you… talking about me?” She whispered, mostly to herself. Inuyasha was now fast asleep, and too far deep into dreamland to give her a response. She wasn’t sure what she should do with this newfound information, knowing that Inuyasha didn’t just want to kiss her; he also thought she was beautiful.

It explains everything she had been denying for the last few weeks.

Leaving the sleeping half-demon on her couch, she trotted over to her bathroom to finish getting ready for bed. When she met her own reflection she gaped at how red she looked. “Oh, god, what do I do?” Her voice shuddered, “He didn’t even confess to me and I’m already like this?”

The idea of a confession was making the temperature rise in the room, and the tips of her ears turned red. Part of her wanted it to happen, she wanted a confession, she wanted to kiss him and seal the deal and start anew with Inuyasha. The other part, however; was terrified of what could happen if they did.

She didn’t want a repeat of her past where she loved and lost and was left a broken version of herself. They were friends and she was happy with that, what if confessing to him ruined everything they already had? Kagome knew Inuyasha was not her ex, not in the slightest bit; but she couldn’t stop worrying and overthinking.

Relationships are a beautiful thing, especially when done right. There’s a bond created between two people, where trust is built and honesty is expected; where love and friendship grow simultaneously, and a language only understood between lovers is created. Happiness grows around you and your person, and support and love blossoms like fresh flowers. Kagome wanted to be the person who watered Inuyasha’s garden, and she wanted him to do it in return. Together they could grow an entire field of beautiful, healthy flowers to take along with them forever.

That scares her.

She released a shaky breath into the glass which fogged up her reflection and hung her head. “I need to sleep. I can think after some proper sleep.”

In her own comforting silence she brushed her teeth and washed her face, and although she was working quietly in the bathroom; the voice in her head was wondering about the man in her living room. Her thoughts lingered on how handsome he is, his humor, his rough demeanor, and his charm. Inuyasha wasn’t the typical boy next door type; his grumpiness had something to do with it, but he was dreamy and kind and he always found a way to sneak into her thoughts.

She groaned in frustration and dragged her body out of the bathroom as she walked over to her bed. “Scoot over Buyo, I need plenty of room to sleep these feelings off.”

Her cat didn’t move, as expected; so she slithered under her comforter and lifted her cuddly cat from the middle of the bed and into her arms. He mewled at her, probably complaining about being moved from his spot, before snuggling into her chest and falling back asleep.

Kagome closed her eyes and sighed into her pillow, “I’ll figure this out soon. I just need to sleep.” The light snoring of her cat beside her and thoughts of white fluffy ears pulled her into sleep.

She slept like a baby, that’s how she could describe her period of rest. With Buyo by her side, she was out in a flash, which she found funny because she figured she would be up all night thinking about what happened.

Although when she woke up to the sound of her confused neighbor talking to himself loudly and strutting around her apartment, what he said to her returned to her head like an ongoing movie. Normally it’s the warm sun bleating down on her face that wakes her up, yet today it’s her half-demon neighbor.

Wiping her eyes and the drool off of her face, she languidly moved to get out of her bed. Buyo didn’t follow after her, deciding to walk a few steps and snuggle into the side of the bed where she had been sleeping.

Anxiety was creeping up inside of her, making her skin prick and her hairs stand on end at the thought of seeing Inuyasha. She hadn’t processed anything! And now she has to talk to him and pretend like nothing happened last night.

“Inuyasha?” Kagome asked groggily. “Why are you pacing around in my house when you should be asleep on the couch?”

Wide golden eyes met her deep brown, and a line wrinkled up on his forehead. “Why am I on your couch in the first place!”

Inuyasha was concerned, confused, and nervous. He went out with Shippo last night to celebrate the fact that he finally told Kagome about the wedding, and about the elevator incident, and once he drank past his limit he couldn’t remember a thing! All he can remember is that Kagome was the only thing on his damn mind the whole night.

It wasn’t helping him at all that she was very cute when she was still half asleep, or the fact that her pajama set was a tank top and frilly, little shorts. Seeing her like this felt domestic and it was making his stomach tighten up in knots.

The current image he had of her was sizzling his brain and sending him into a frenzy. He’s feeling like a high school boy seeing a girl for the first time, and he wants to run out the door and slam his head against the wall.

He really, really likes those pajamas on her.

A lot.

“You came home insanely drunk, and you couldn’t find your keys. I'm not leaving you outside like a dog, so I moved you to the couch.” Kagome simply answered him, the calm tone in her voice being the total opposite of how she actually felt.

Inuyasha glared at her at the dog bit, and Kagome couldn’t help but giggle at the realization of her words.

“Sorry,” she laughed; “That wasn’t on purpose!”

“Uh-huh. Sure.” He chuckled. “I just- I can’t believe I did that.”

She smiled at him and leaned against the wall, “Inuyasha, you didn’t do anything.” she lied. “You could barely stand, and you j needed to rest. My couch saved your life.”

Inuyasha snorted and rolled his eyes, “Yer actin’ like I was dyin’.”

“Yeah, dying to go to sleep.” She corrected him, “It’s okay, you slept like a baby. I wouldn’t have let you come inside if I didn’t want to.”

He hung his head defeatedly. “And yer sure I didn’t do anythin’ funny?”

“Does this face look like a face of a liar to you?” She lied to him again.

“You were fine! Now, do you want pancakes or something? I can make some.” Kagome didn’t know how she was doing this so well without him catching onto her. On the inside, she was anxious as hell over what happened yesterday and she hasn’t had any time to process it yet. Although it isn’t confirmed by him, he unofficially feels the same way about her too; and she doesn’t know how to handle this.

She wants to tell him, so badly, but she’s afraid and she needs time to think. If he likes her back, why hasn’t he said anything? Is she just looking too far into it? Mutual attraction can exist without any feelings being thrown into the middle, and Inuyasha could simply be attracted to her and nothing more. What if she’s wrong and she gets rejected, and then their entire dynamic is ruined because she opened her mouth?

Kagome was so worried that the same questions keep repeating in her head.

However, with Inuyasha in her apartment she also didn’t want to be alone just yet. Making pancakes sounded like a good idea, and she wanted to do it for the both of them.

Inuyasha grumbled, “If ya say so, then I’ll believe ya.” His stomach made a noise of complaint, and he back at her with a sincere look on his face. “Apparently I’m hungry as hell, so pancakes sound good ta me.”

She happily trotted over to her kitchen, practically skipping giddily. “Are chocolate chip pancakes okay?”

Inuyasha laughed at her question and followed her, trying and failing to not stare at her butt as she walked away from him. “What is up with you can chocolate?” he grinned.

She spun around on her heel with a pan in her hand and leaned back on the counter. “Chocolate is the best and it makes most things taste better.” Kagome spun back around and began to grab the ingredients needed to make their breakfast, as well as eggs to cook on the side.

“Yer lucky I don’t react to chocolate the way real dogs do.” He joked.

Kagome gasped and turned her head in his direction, “You’re only saying that because I was freaking out when you pretended to choke on the chocolate I made you when we first met!”

Inuyasha’s laugh was loud and addictive and Kagome wanted to drown in the sound. “Ya can’t blame me, it was funny as hell at the time!”

“Keywords at the time and no it wasn’t!” She giggled, “I thought I poisoned you!”

“It woulda been worth it! Those chocolates were good!” he admitted.

“Well, because of that I added extra chips to the batter.” She stated matter of factly.

Inuyasha watched her flip the pancake with ease, a stack of ready to eat cakes were already piling up on the plate besides her. As he watched her cook, he had to remind himself not to come up from behind her and wrap his arms around her middle.

They aren’t together, and as friends; that would be weird and uncomfortable.

All he wanted to do was tuck his chin on her shoulder and pull her back into him while she made breakfast. His senses would be full of her scent, the noises she makes, and the feeling of her body against his. Inuyasha wanted to be smothered in everything Kagome could give him, and he would live his life happily.

“By the way, how do you like your eggs?” Her voice was soft and distant as she asked him since she was focused on the task at hand.

“Sunny side up.” He answered simply, his eyes hungrily eyeing the woman in front of him.

‘I’m actin’ like a fuckin’ animal.’ He chastised himself. ‘She just looks so fuckin’ cute in those damn shorts.’

“Sunny side up it is!” She happily cheered. The pancakes were finished, and now she was focused on making their eggs so they can sit at the table and eat.

“How do ya like yours?” He asked curiously.

“Scrambled. They’re easier to eat that way, and my mom makes really good scrambled eggs.” She placed Inuyasha’s eggs on his plate before cracking another two into the pan, “So I do my best to make them like she does.”

The half-demon nodded, “Believe me, I understand trying to copy your moms cookin’. I try every night and fail every time.” He chuckled, “I don’t have the magic touch that my ma has.”

“Aww,” Kagome pouted cutely, “That’s so sweet!”

“Keh! Don’t make it weird, Kagome!” He grumbled in embarrassment.

She laughed loudly, “Okay then, that’s not sweet.” she smiled.

Kagome set the plates on the little kitchen island and motioned Inuyasha to sit down on the chairs before realizing that neither of them had anything to drink. “Oh shit, I never made coffee!”

Inuyasha watched her as she stood up from her seat and he immediately scooted over and pushed her back down. “You’ve done enough, I’ll make it. You eat.”

“But, Inuyasha-“

“Inuyasha nothin’, you made us breakfast. It ain’t much but I’ll make us coffee.” He walked over to her coffee pot and started pouring the grounds into the machine. “If it makes ya feel better, my coffee is pretty good.”

Kagome munched on her pancake and smiled at him, “I’ll be the judge of that.” She teased him after swallowing.

He was still dressed in the t shirt and jeans from the night before, but during his sleep the clothes were disheveled and wrinkled up. With his back towards her, she could selfishly watch him and not get caught, especially since she couldn’t help but ogle his back and arms.

It was amazing that all he did was lift up a coffee pot to fill it with water, and his arm flexing from the movement could turn her into jelly.

As the coffee pot started brewing, Inuyasha proudly sat back down by the island and began to start his breakfast. After taking one bite of the pancakes and eggs, his eyes went wide and he nodded his head approvingly.

“This is so good,” he said as he munched.

Kagome laughed at the sight in front of her, “Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

“Can’t help it,” he smirked. “Too good.”

His cheeks were full and round, reminding her of a chipmunk, “Where are your manners?” she joked.

“Manners shmanners!” He defended himself, “Those are for wussy’s.”

“Ah, then am I a wussy too Inuyasha?” she asked him in a smooth tone.

He squinted his eyes at her as he swallowed another portion, “You don’t count.”

The coffee pot beeped, signaling that it was finished brewing and it was ready to serve. Inuyasha got up in a flash before Kagome could hop off her seat and fished two mugs out of her cupboard. “How do ya like yer coffee?”

She swallowed before answering, “Cream and two sugars please. I can't stand drinking it black.”

He snorted but didn’t answer, instead he worked on her cup first before pouring the rest into his mug and taking both mugs back over to the kitchen island. As he watched Kagome take a sip of her coffee, he noticed how she scrunched up and shivered before releasing a satisfied moan.

“The hell was that?” He asked her concerned.

She smiled shyly, “I was a little cold… the coffee warmed me up.”

“Want my hoodie? I took it off this mornin’ after wakin’ up and feelin’ like I was in an oven.”

Kagome gasped, “Oh my gosh, no! It’s okay, I don’t need it.”

He stood up again, his plate now cleared of any food, and headed towards the couch. “Too late.”

“Inuyashaaa.” Kagome whined, “It’s your jacket!”

The half-demon rolled his eyes and handed her the large, red hoodie. “And now yer borrowing it. Put it on before you become an ice cube.”

She huffed in frustration but listened to him anyway, the large hoodie practically drowned her body and hid it away. “There, happy now?”

Inuyasha coughed and fought off a blush, “Keh.”

He grabbed his plate and washed it in the sink, ignoring Kagome’s protests that she would clean it, and that he doesn’t have to, and washed his mug as well.

“Thanks for breakfast Kagome.” He grinned at her, “I gotta get goin’. I need ta call Shippo.” He grumbled.

Kagome nodded and hopped off her chair, the red hoodie now bunching up over her thighs and smothering her completely. Inuyasha loved how she looked in it, and considered letting her keep it.

It was selfish of him, and self indulgent; but having her wear his clothing felt like he was making a stand and telling other guys to fuck off about coming near her.

He also likes how she looks in his clothes, and seeing her dressed in his hoodie only made him want her even more.

‘Damn inuyoukai instincts, I blame you for this.’

“Are you sure you’re okay? You were so gone last night, I have no idea how you look so normal today.” She balled up the excess sleeves in her over hands and held the fabric in her fists.

Inuyasha blushed harder, his cheeks betraying him instantly, and looked away from her. “Half-demon, remember?”

Kagome rolled her eyes and laughed breathily, “Oh duh! Silly me.”

She skipped over to her front door, the hem of her shorts and hoodie riding up a little over her upper thigh, and Inuyasha immediately looked away from her; the image instantly burned into his brain forever. He followed after her and stepped outside as soon as the door was wide open.

“Thanks again for breakfast.” He said sheepishly.

She leaned on the door and grinned, “Don't forget, I saved your life too!”

He rolled his eyes as he walked over to his door and unlocked it, “And for saving me from sleeping outside all night with all of the bugs,” he teased her.

Kagome scrunched up her nose and shivered, “You’re welcome, now go clean up, you smell like beer!”

“Fuck off!” The half-demon laughed boisterously, the sound echoing beautifully throughout the parking lot and creating a warmth to spread throughout Kagome’s body.

She had it bad.

‘I’m so screwed.’

______

It had been a few days since Inuyasha turned up to her apartment at midnight after drinking too many beers, and she hadn’t been able to tell Sango anything. Kagome’s been allowing herself to process everything that has happened between them, and she didn’t understand how she could be so oblivious to the truth.

When she wasn’t distracted by her job, she was thinking about Inuyasha, and about the possibility of telling him how she feels. Pros and cons lists were made up in her head, fake scenarios that were of good and bad endings replayed constantly, and she also daydreamed about being able to do girlfriend things for Inuyasha.

It was now Thursday, five days since the elevator incident that allowed her to wake up and see that his feelings were mutual.

Well, unofficially mutual. He hasn’t outright told her yet.

“Buyo!” She groaned, “What do I do!”

Meow.

“He doesn’t know I like him, and vice versa… what if I ruin everything because I looked too deeply into this!”

Meow.

“You don’t know that!” She argued with her cat.

He purred in response.

“God, I’m going to ruin everything!” She took a throw pillow from her couch and screamed into it, the sound coming out muffled and miserable.

Her cell phone vibrated on the coffee table and she dived for it, immediately seeing Sango’s silly photo ID pop up on her screen. She slid the green button to the side and lifted her phone up to her ear.

“Finally!” Kagome answered dramatically.

“Finally? No ‘hey Sango how’s it going?’ No, ‘How’s Miroku treating you?’” Sango replied.

Kagome rolled her eyes, “You act like we weren’t texting five minutes ago.”

“It’s the thought that counts, Kagome!”

She giggled before falling backwards onto the couch cushions. “Drama queen.”

“That’s your title, babe.” Her friend teased her, “I’m the drama princess.”

Kagome waved her hand up and down to no one in particular and scoffed, “I beg to differ.”

“It’s okay, Miroku is the most dramatic of the three of us. He takes the throne.”

The girls agreed, giggling with each other like school girls.

“Okay, so I don’t have enough time, but I can do five minutes before I have to run back to what I was doing. What did you want to talk about that was too important for texts? I’ve been waiting all week!”

“Put me before your job and then this wouldn’t happen!” Kagome laughed, not serious at all whatsoever.

“I’ll do it when you do!” Sango giggled, “Now out with it!”

Kagome released a shuddering breath and shut her eyes, “I think Inuyasha likes me.”

There was a pause on the line before Sango bursted out laughing on the other end. “Oh, you don’t say?!”

“Sango, I’m serious!” She whined.

Sango continued to laugh on the other end and Kagome considered hanging up on her.

“Babe, you two act like two kids with crushes on each other. Miroku and I already knew about this!”

“Oh no, is it obvious?” She asked embarrassedly.

“To everyone else except you two!”Sango explained. “It’s like you both have foggy glasses on and you can’t see what’s happening in front of you.”

“Wonderful example.” Kagome deadpanned. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him!”

“No!” She defended, “What if he doesn’t like me and I ruin everything!”

“He does like you!” Sango fought back, “He’s like a lost puppy without you, no pun intended.”

Kagome failed to fight back her smile and sighed. “I also… don’t know if I’m ready.”

“That’s a different story.” Her friend replied, “But I understand.”

Kagome fiddled with the pocket of Inuyasha’s hoodie and groaned. “I want to be ready though.”

“That’s up to you. Do you want my advice?”

She pouted, “Always.”

“I say, go for it. I know it’s scary. Kei fucked you over, so badly, but not every guy is Kei. Just like how not every guy is Inuyasha.” She sighed, “It’s okay to be nervous to try again, but you deserve another love story with someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. With love, loyalty, understanding, reassurance, and everything in between.”

Her eyes welled up with tears, but she held them back from falling. “What if it breaks apart again?”

“Then it wasn’t meant to be. But you don’t know unless you try.”

There it is again, the same words of wisdom that Inuyasha told her back at the diner. Was he talking about her at the time? Has Kagome really been that dense that she didn’t notice it?

“It scares me.”

“And that’s okay. You don’t have to tell him right now, do it when you feel ready. You’ll know when you do.”

“And you’re sure he likes me back?”

“He looks at you like you’re the only living thing in the world. So yes, I do.”

“We do!” Shouted Miroku from far away.

“Ignore him, he’s eavesdropping.”

Kagome laughed. “He’s painting your nails right now isn’t he?”

“As I look over files? Yes, of course.” Sango laughed. “By the way, where’s Inuyasha? If you’re talking to me about this so easily, he can’t be home right?“

Kagome shook her head, “Nope, I think he’s at work. Sometimes he comes back a few hours later. I hear him unlock his door pretty late sometimes.”

>em>“Ah, well, I managed to halt my meeting at a good time then.” She laughed, “Sadly, I have to let you go. My boss can’t wait forever.”

Kagome smiled and snuggled into the pillow, “I appreciate your advice. I’ll think it over.”

“That’s all I needed to hear.” A pause, “Bye Kagome, we love you. Call Miroku if you need anything!”

“Bye, I love you guys too.” She grinned into the phone, “Good luck on your meeting.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it.”

The call was over as quickly as it happened, and Kagome was left alone with her thoughts once again.

“I won’t know unless I try.” She told herself, “But what if I’m too scared to try?”

She laid back and groaned in frustration, on one hand; telling Inuyasha and possibly going out sounded like a dream. On the other, telling him and trying again sounded terrifying.

The idea of falling in love again just to watch it break, burn, and end seemed like something a masochist would do. Giving yourself to a person, letting them learn your creases and your ends, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and show your weaknesses was a heavy task, and if done right it would turn out beautiful.

Falling in love was like watching flowers bloom in a meadow where they were once buds. With enough water, sunshine, and care the flowers will blossom into big and bright bouquets that litter the land and spread across endlessly. It was beautiful, it was magical, and it was effortless.

However, flowers can die without the proper care, and left to dry up and lose their color. A flower never fully recovers from that, and some leaves wither away and fall off, crumbling and weakening on the floor.

Kei left her withered, and she hasn’t been able to recover from that. Her leaves are dry, her stem is weakened, and her petals are brittle and discolored. Even with her own love and care, she could only salvage so much. The trauma of her past relationship was almost too strong and heavy to manage fixing.

However, she recovered what she could, and Kagome was still a beautiful flower that deserves another chance of water, sunshine, and love.

She just needed to be ready to receive it.

A knock on her door brought her out of her thoughts, and immediately she perked up, hoping it was her favorite half-demon at the door.

“Coming!” She called out giddily.

She skipped over and looked through the peephole, and her smile dropped into a horrified frown.

It was her ex boyfriend.

And Inuyasha wasn’t home.

“Kei, leave right now!” She shouted desperately.

“Open the door!” He yelled angrily.

“In your dreams you asshole!” Her heart was racing in her chest, threatening to rip out of her body and land on her feet.

“Why won’t you take me back?!” He yelled. “I did so much for you. I lost friends for you, gave up going to a college out of state for you, and came back home to you every night. What more did you want from me!” His voice was loud and gruff, and she could hear him so clearly it was as if he was right beside her.

To her own surprise, Kagome laughed in reaction, loud and obnoxious. “You ruined me Kei!” She yelled through the door.

“Why won’t I take you back? Besides cheating on me, you gaslit me, manipulated me into thinking everything was my fault. You didn’t lose any friends! Those were all girls you fucked that I called you out on!”

She gasped for breath but kept going, “I supported you to move but you chose not to, not me! I didn’t force you to stay here! And you came home every night smelling like another girls perfume and sex. So don’t you dare turn this back on me Kei.”

There was silence on the other side of the door, it was brief, and it felt long and torturous. Kagome wondered if he was still there, or if he had ignored her and walked away.

The hard bangs on her door proved otherwise.

“Fuck you!” Kei yelled, “You sucked in bed, you didn’t listen to me ever, you complained about everything I did and you were so fucking annoying and insecure. Why do you think I fucking cheated on you?”

Tears welled up in her eyes but she decided to let them fall, allowing herself to confront the problem head on like she had when she left him.

His words hurt, but she knew they weren’t true. He was doing it again, gaslighting her and running the same routine he did when she dated him.

“I did everything for you and you never appreciated me. You stayed with me and fucked other girls because I was dumb enough to let you walk over me and use me. I learned from that Kei, and I know what I deserve!”

"Shut up!” He yelled, “You don’t know shit!“

Kagome was so over this, and she grabbed her phone from her pocket and went to dial 9-1-1. “I deserve someone who treats me the opposite of what you did to me, Kei.”

He laughed darkly, and she shivered when she heard it. “Oh yeah, and who the fuck is gonna love you that way when you’re such an awful girlfriend?”

Her voice wavered, but she held onto it strongly. “I already found someone who will. He’s proved it to me one too many times, not that you deserve to know that.”

“He’s gonna do you like I did, Kagome; and you’re gonna be left fucked up all over again.”

“Shut the hell up and tell me how you found my address. I'm over this conversation!” She screamed.

Kei laughed again, leaned his head closer to the door.

“If you didn’t want me to find out where you lived, maybe you should have told your friends about what a big and bad boyfriend I was.”

Her heart dropped and she gasped, the realization dawning on her that one of her friends from high school unknowingly told Kei. They never came to know what happened between them because, well, she was too preoccupied trying to heal that she never found the time. Only Sango and Miroku knew, besides her family, and as she healed, she never felt the urge to vent to her friends about the details of her failed relationship.

However, she did tell them that they broke up, and gave them her new address when she moved into this complex.

Kagome had no idea that Kei would escalate to these levels, and that’s why the urgency to explain to her friends wilted away as the months went by.

“I-I’m calling the police.” She yelled at him through the door.

“I’m getting out of here. I don’t want you back.” Kei replied darkly.

“Good riddance!” She screamed at him as she dialed emergency services.

"Inuyasha pulled up into the parking lot and sighed deeply, absolutely exhausted from how long his day was. All he wanted to do now was take a shower, eat, and see Kagome before he went to bed. He had no other plans, and he hoped they would stay that way.

Seeing Kagome’s ex run down his building's stairs was not on his list, but knocking his teeth out was immediately added to it.

He climbed out of his truck and slammed the door, suppressing a smirk when he watched the fucker jump from the sound. “Oí, what the fuck did I say the last time I saw you?”

Kei stopped in his tracks and grinned at him, fake confidence leaking off of him like oil. “I believe I told you to fuck off.”

Inuyasha slowly walked over to him and grinned at him before knocking his fist right into his face. “Nah, I told ya I’d kick yer fuckin’ ass!”

Kei’s hands flew to his face as an attempt to shield off another hit and yelled in pain. “Fuck you, bro!”

Inuyasha hit him again in the gut before socking his jaw from the side, “Is that all you know to say? Some tough guy you are!”

Kei tried hitting back, but Inuyasha was faster than him, and it only proved to Kei that he was no match against the half-demon. “You’re fucking doing this over some girl who sucks in bed?!”

Inuyasha’s vision went red, instantly hitting him straight in the nose, a loud crack echoing in his ears.

He wasn’t hitting him hard enough to kill him, no; he was holding back a lot of strength.

Inuyasha could kill him if he chose to, but he won’t.

Kei’s pained yelp reverberated in the parking lot as he fell backwards on the gravel. “She’s not even worth it!”

“She’s worth more than you’ll ever know, but you were too fucking stupid to see that.” Inuyasha answered him darkly. “Get the hell outta here before I kill ya.”

“You won’t!” Kei argued back, his voice wavering.

Inuyasha chuckled, “You ever show yer damn face here and come near her, I will make sure you won’t be able to walk ever again.”

His ears picked up the sound of sirens and he looked back out at the entrance of the complex and groaned. His knuckles had some of Kei’s blood on them, and the asshole’s face was already swelling from the punches.

Inuyasha was so fucked.

“Inuyasha!” He heard Kagome yell, his attention immediately turning over towards the girl running towards him dressed in his hoodie.

“Are you alright?!” Inuyasha yelled, meeting her halfway across the parking lot. “Did he touch you?”

He was trying his best not to lose his shit, and if it weren’t for the girl beside him, he would have caused more damage.

Kagome ran into his arms and shook her head in his chest, “No, no, I didn’t open the door.”

He pulled her tightly into his body and kissed her forehead, “That’s my girl.”

She wrapped her arms around him and started crying, releasing all of the pent of fear and frustration that she was holding back from a few minutes ago. While she cried, Inuyasha held her firmly; running soothing circles on her back as he watched two police cars roll into the vicinity.

The sound of the sirens had drawn attention to them as their neighbors peaked out through their front doors, watching them from the safety of their homes.

Kagome giggled into his shirt, and Inuyasha looked down at her with his eyebrows raised. “The hell ya laughin’ at?’

She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and stared at him with tear stained cheeks, “It hasn’t even been a week and we’ve already made the police come here twice.”

“Keh,” Inuyasha scoffed. “We make this place more interestin’.”

She laughed again and pulled away, instantly regretting her decision. However, as two officers handled her ex, the other two came over to talk to the neighbors about what happened.

“Are you Ms. Kagome Higurashi?” The female officer asked.

Kagome nodded, “Yes I’m the one who made the call.”

The officer took note of her answer before looking at the man beside her, “And who are you?”

“Inuyasha Taisho.” He answered simply.

“H-he’s my friend.” Kagome added.

“Alright, and may I ask why the man in custody has a bloodied face?“

Before Inuyasha could answer, Kagome jumped in ahead of him. “Inuyasha was defending me. My ex can be aggressive, a-and this is the second time he’s shown up to my apartment without permission.”

The male officer raised his eyebrow at her, “Without permission?”

“I-I never gave him my address. He found it on his own.” Her voice shook in reply.

The officers nodded in understanding, “We’re going to have to ask you some more questions, are you alright with that?”

Inuyasha held Kagome’s hand firmly, silently telling her that he’s here for her.

“Yes, that’s fine.” She agreed.

It took an hour after Kei was placed in custody and the first pair of officers drove away, but Kagome and Inuyasha were questioned along with their neighbors. Their neighbors defended the pair, not denying that they heard when Kei arrived at her apartment the first two times and confirming what Inuyasha and Kagome had said during both incidents. They continued to praise Inuyasha and Kagome; informing the officers that they were good people, and that besides this situation, nothing ever out of the ordinary was done by either of them.

Inuyasha was left with a warning, however it wasn’t officially written down by the officers, so it was as if the beating never happened.

They convinced Kagome to write up a restraining order on Kei, and she agreed, saying that she would fill it out and return it to the department by the end of the week.

Once the officers were gone and everyone in the complex was back inside their apartments, Inuyasha let Kagome and Buyo stay over at his unit for the night. If it were any other instance, he would be a flushed mess right now. However, Kagome was shaken up and processing what happened, and she was cuddling up with her cat on his couch while he made her tea.

“Thank you, Inuyasha.” Kagome said in a small voice.

The half-demon sighed in frustration as he sat down beside her, “I didn’t hold my word to protect you. I don’t deserve any praise.”

She turned towards him, laying a hand on his chest to signal that she was about to speak. “Don’t say that, please. You’ve already done so much. You were at work, and I didn’t open the door. I'm okay.”

He balled his hands into fists as he battled internally with himself, “If I had been here-“

“You are here, now. A-nd you held him off in time for the police to arrive. I was too afraid to go outside and stall him… I didn’t come out until I heard him yelp out.”

The half-demon smirked, “I fucked his face up.”

Kagome rolled her eyes, “He deserved it.”

She laid her head on his chest and released a breath through her nose. “I need to make some calls.”

“You don’t want’a hold off until tomorrow?” He asked her softly.

She shook her head, “I’ve held off enough. However… I’ll tell Sango and Miroku tomorrow. She’s stressed enough as it is.”

Inuyasha nodded and wrapped his arm around her waist, effectively pulling her closer to him to comfort her. Buyo laid comfortably on her lap as he dozed off into deep sleep.

Eventually Kagome started to call her friends, investigating which one of them was the one who told her ex where she lived; and instantly forgiving them because it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know about how bad he was, and she never told them.

While Inuyasha quietly listened to the girl speak to her friends on a four way call, he wished he could take all of this away from her so she never had to suffer from it in the first place. Kagome was reliving her trauma as she retold her story, answering questions, and even wiping away from tears that formed in her eyes.

She never deserved this.

As the call began to dwindle off into happier territory, it was already two in the morning, and Buyo had moved from Kagome’s lap and onto a separate couch cushion where he stretched out comfortably and twitched in his sleep.

The girl beside him wasn’t any better as she yawned and giggled sleepily on the phone. Her eyes were growing heavy, and her voice was slurring from exhaustion. After a few more minutes of talking, the call ended, and Kagome placed her phone on the table besides the couch.

“How’d it go?” He asked her softly.

She yawned and snuggled into his chest, too tired to blush from their closeness. “Ayumi did it, and she cried to me, and I had to tell her it wasn’t her fault.”

“Hm.” He agreed, “You have good friends.”

She smiled, and laid her hand back onto his chest. “I also have a great neighbor.”

He chuckled, “Is that all I am?” He teased, “Not even your friend?”

Kagome shook her head, “More than a friend.” She admitted before falling asleep, her exhaustion now effectively hitting her.

“Oh, shit.” The half-demon whispered to himself.

All Inuyasha could do was hold the woman in his arms as he internally freaked out, making sure he didn’t wake her as he came to the realization of her words.

She likes him back.

And he doesn’t know what to do.

#inukag #inukag fan fic #inukag fan fiction #inukag au #inuyashaxkagome #inuyasha and kagome #inuyasha #kagome #inukag modern au #inukag neighbors au #ao3 #inukago #inukag fic recs #inukag fanfic #au #fan fic #fan fiction

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ykwrites · 2 years

Note

If it's not a bother, could I request Tomura, Shinsou, or bakugou comforting their s/o after a fight? They get into a small fight over something unimportant, but because of past trauma, their s/o takes it really personally and assumes they're either going to leave or scream at them? Feel free to ignore this for any reason!! I could just use the comfort :')

Hi, friend! don´t think even for a second that you are bothering me! it makes me happy to see people are interested in my writing so I´ll gladly do it :)

I am aware I took a little long to respond, but I was just having a mental breakdown and left tumblr for a lil bit.

I hope you are having a great day and enjoy my little take on this request hehe

Pairing: Bakugo x reader.

Warnings: A lil angst.

Rating: SFW.

Bakugo couldn´t really understand why such a small argument blew up this way, his head went around in circles wondering what he did so wrong that made you go inside the bedroom and softly cry under the covers.

Maybe he screamed without realizing, or said something bad he didn´t remember.

He decided to give you a bit of space, sitting in the couch and reminiscing the fight over and over again to find all he had to apologize for. At the same time he knew he wasn´t so good with feelings, and had a hard time showing you how much he cared.

The whole thing started over taking the damn trash out.

''I will do it later''he had said, laying on the couch with his phone on one hand and a soda on the other, not really listening.

''You said that this morning''you huffed, clearly frustrated.

''There is no rush''

''Okay, I´ll have to end up doing it, as always''

''I told you I´ll do it later''he peeked over his phone to see you standing with your arms crossed in front of the trash can.

''It smells already''you complained, opening the can to take the trash bag.

''Stop that, I will do it later''at this point Bakugo was kind of annoyed.

''No, you won´t''

''Damn it, y/n!''he raised his voice, tossing his phone on the couch and getting up to take the bag from your hands ''why are you so pushy?''

''What?''now you were even more mad ''I was about to do it myself! the problem is that I always ask you to help and take the fucking trash out and you never do''

''Because I do it when I want to! it´s going to be done anyway!''

Maybe then, Bakugo really screamed, because you just stepped back, eyes watery and sad before running inside your bedroom.

You were right after all, and at this point he only wanted to comfort you and make you feel better.

He got in the room slowly, afraid that he could scare you away and without lifting the cover off you he sat on the bed and put a hand on your back.

''Hey, dumbass''he spoke softly ''are you okay?''

Not hearing a response, his heart broke a little.

''Listen, I´m sorry that I screamed at you, I can´t believe this happened over stupid trash''Bakugo tried to apologize ''I mean, I´ll take it out every night, even put an alarm or some shit so I don´t forget''

You moved just enough uncover your head and look at him.

''Please, I know I am a dickhead most of the time and you don´t deserve that''

Bakugo expected anything but what happened next, instead of cursing him out, ignoring him or maybe accepting his apologies, you cried harder, making him panic.

''Oh, no''he said ''What did I do? am I really that much of an asshole?, I am so sorry''

''No you are not''you finally spoke in between sobs.

''Huh?''poor boy was so confused.

''You are not that much of an asshole''

''I guess I should say thank you, but please explain why you are crying even more now''

''My ex left for hours or even days every time we argued, didn´t respond to texts or calls, ignored me and told our friends that I was insane''you explained, trying to sound coherent ''And then came back saying their hearts didn´t let them leave such a worthless person, that no one could love me but them''

''Number one: that is the dumbest shit I´ve ever heard, you are not worthless, what the actual fuck was that fucker on?'' Bakugo stated firmly ''Number two: what does that have to do with the trash?''

''I panicked, got flashbacks''

''I will need that person´s address, for research''

''No''

''Whatever''he clicked his tongue loudly and crossed his arms, looking away for a moment ''you are very worthy to me''

A warm fuzzy feeling tingled through your body, instantly smiling without even realizing.

''Katsuki''you called, making him look back at you ''I love you''

''Yeah, whatever''his ears turned red ''I love you too, dumbass''

''I know''taking an arm out of the covers, you tugged on his shirt until he was laying next to you, looking all flustered.

''I will listen to you the first time you tell me to do something''

''I highly doubt that''you laughed.

''You wanna bet?''Bakugo challenged, gently caressing your cheek.

''I will win, so ok''

''What is the prize?''

''A couple of kisses''you answered, making him smile.

''Let´s make it three or four kisses''

''Deal''

#bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugo katsuki #bnha x reader #bnha scenario #bakugo scenario #bakugo imagine #mha scenario #mha headcanons #mha x reader #mha bakugou #mha imagine

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babbushka · 3 years

Text

Biting Dust - Ch. 5

Life ain’t too easy for a woman, ‘specially not a woman on the run like you. With a bounty on your head and gunpowder in your nose, you’ve grown adjusted to a life of solitude away from the hustle and bustle of civilization. That is, until you meet one particular man who’s got a face you’d only ever seen in your dreams – or on wanted posters. And when he offers you a proposition that sounds too good to be true, well. You don’t think your life will ever be the same again…

Outlaw!Kylo Ren x Reader

Tumblr Masterlist | Available on AO3

6k; Warnings: Attempted assault, attempted murder

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Red clouds of earth kick up behind your horse’s hooves as they gallop far past the town line, hootin’ and hollerin’ all the while. The wind whips your hair around, your bonnet flung right off your head, held onto your person only by the wide ribbon that’s kept it tied ‘round your throat. Adrenaline pumps through your body, makes your vision spotty, makes your heart beat fast fast fast, ridin’ like lightning away from Ragrock.

Kylo’s right beside you, makin’ just as much damn noise as you, his crooked teeth gleamin’ gold in the blazin’ Arizona sun. You ain’t never see him grin this big, as he shouts and jeers too, challengin’ the canyons and the desert, darin’ them to take this moment away from the both of you.

“I can’t fuckin’ believe you!” You laugh, voice nearly gettin’ lost in the wind, cheeks hurtin’ from the way you’re smilin’ so much, “Goddamn you’re so -- so -- stupid!”

Kylo laughs at that too, a deep rumblin’ sound that feels so much like thunder that you’re sure it’s shakin’ the earth. Or maybe that’s Sam and Agnes, the way they’re throwin’ their heads back and whinnying and stampin’ their hooves into the caked dirt below. Either way, it’s a good sound, one of them sounds that makes you ache in your bones; you can’t remember the last time you heard someone else laugh so genuinely.

“Yeah?” He finally decides to slow Sam to a halt, and you do the same, tuggin’ on Aggie’s reigns to get her to calm just a little bit, the horses powerful legs comin’ to a gentle trot, both you and Kylo gulpin’ down air.

“Yeah. Why the hell did you bring us through there knowin’ there was bad blood?” You reach into the saddle bag and pull out a canteen, measurin’ a careful sip or two of the fresh river water, before decidin’ to pass the jug over to Kylo himself.

Gratefully, he takes the same size sip as you, and you think that’s mighty chivalrous of him once again, on account of he’s a much bigger person than you, and should clearly need more water. Still, you don’t protest when he hands the canteen back to you, the lid screwed on nice and tight to avoid spillin’.

“It was the only place I could think of that’s close enough.” He shrugs, and you frown ever so slightly at that, knowin’ that really, as long as you stay close to the Colorado River, you’ll have just about anything you need.

Well, almost, anyway.

“Close enough for what?” Your curiosity gets the better of you, especially when he starts rummagin’ around in his own saddle-bag for somethin’. You lean over, tryin’ to be nosy and get a peek inside, but he only clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, and you duck your head, embarrassed at bein’ caught.

“For this,” Kylo doesn’t make you wait though, pullin’ out a couple boxes of bullets, but much more importantly, “And these.”

When Kylo pulls out the burlap sack filled with coins, your eyes widen. Right there in his fist has to be over five hundred dollars in gold and silver, more money than you’ve ever seen in one place save for the banks you burn. It makes your mouth go dry, and you wonder how he got a hold of it all, if he took it from the cash register by force, or if he stole it discreetly.

“Holy shit, no wonder you were takin’ so damn long.” You urge Aggie a little closer to get a better look, darin’ to stick your hand in the bag and scoop up a handful of the coins. They were heavy, heavy and real.

“I figured you wouldn’t be opposed.” Kylo speaks quietly as your hands let the coins fall between your fingers, clinking together back in the sack. He gives you the sack then, lets the weight of it rest in your hands, clearin’ his voice, “We’ll need it for Ruby City.”

Without a thought, you push it back into his hand. He was the one who had stolen it, it belonged to him. Yes you were out of money, your own coin purse completely empty, but...but you had more pride than that, to accept someone else’s hard earned coin. Even if he had earned it wrongly, it was still his.

Besides, you reckon as you shake your head when he tries to give it back once again, Kylo was right -- it’s less suspicious to travel with a man, and if you’re traveling together, he better be the one to handle the money.

Kylo seems to read your thoughts, and he just nods, before taking a couple coins out and handing them to you, fifty bucks weighin’ on your palm.

“Just take the fuckin’ money.” He says with a small smile. “I won’t hear any ‘no’, it’s yours too, for helpin’ me by distractin’ the townfolk.”

You sigh, and reluctantly put the coins in your own small purse. For the first time in a while, the fabric is bulged out and heavy. Kylo puts the burlap sack back in his saddle-bag, and you resolve to ignore its existence until you need him to pay for a room at an inn somewhere.

“Should’ve warned me that you knew the damn bartender.” You scold him then, a little disgruntled that he had kept that information from you. If you were going to be a distraction, you would’ve liked to know exactly who it was you’re distractin’. “Should’ve told me y’all hated each other.”

You don’t tell Kylo that you were flirtin’ with that Armitage, certain that he wouldn’t like it. He sure as hell didn’t like it when Amos was gettin’ a little too friendly with you, anyway, and he was just a stranger. To your surprise though, Kylo scoffs out a laugh, and fishes out his old cigarette from the inside of his boot, lightin’ it with a match and puffin’ smoke through his nose.

“Hate?” He’s got humor in his voice as he urges Sam forward, needin’ to get back towards the water’s edge before the sun sank too low in the sky, “Nah, Hux and I go way back. He’s a good friend.”

You level him a dirty glare at that, if only he had told you he coulda’ saved you a world of panic! You think about the way that Armitage shot out his own windows, the way that Kylo managed to murder Armitage’s brother without any guns of his own, and all the damn fallout that came from it.

“Didn’t seem to be actin’ like a good friend when he was aimin’ his shotgun at your face.” You point out, thinkin’ to yourself, men are so goddamn strange.

Kylo laughs again, and you find yourself growin’ dangerously used to the sound, so you just sigh and shake your head. He smokes and smokes, both of your horses leadin’ you closer to the water, havin’ galloped away from it ever so slightly.

“He likes when I come rollin’ through, trust me. He always complains about how quiet his lil’ town of Ragrock gets, likes to give the folks somethin’ to gossip about every now and again.” Kylo explains, patton’ Sam’s neck and flashin’ you a gold-tipped smile.

“So he really wasn’t going to kill us then?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Oh no he probably would’ve if I let him.” Kylo answers quickly, “‘Specially after what I did to Brian. But he’ll be fine with it in a couple weeks once folks tell him I wasn’t the one that started nothin’.”

You stare at him for a little while, and he can feel the weight of your gaze on him, but he only gives you a crooked smile and a wink. You weren’t so sure what that wink meant, but if you had to guess, it could really only mean trouble.

“You’re somethin’ else, you know that?” You lick across your teeth to prevent yourself from smilin’ and givin’ him the satisfaction of knowing that he entertains you. The grin he gives you tells you he knows it anyway.

“Nothin’ that you can’t handle though, I reckon.” Counterin’ with a slight smile, Kylo ducks his head and blushes, and that alone is enough to make you tap your heels against Aggie’s hide, to get her to go gallopin’ down the canyons again.

-----------------------

Some hours later, when the world around you starts to cool off from the settin’ of the sun, you and Kylo set up camp near the river. He had gone ahead and scouted the spot out, made sure there weren’t any folks who had already laid claim to that particular stretch of the bend, no one that could go cousin’ any trouble.

There was more than enough money now, to buy new stocks of food whenever y’all got to the next stop along the route, but that didn’t mean that you were about to let Kylo blow through the supply. So instead, you ask he hunt you down another rabbit for dinner, which he does in less than a half hour, impressin’ you once again.

It’s quiet, out there by the river. The sky has faded to a gentle purple, the silvery moon high in the sky. You’ve got a fire made, nothin’ too big or roarin’, just tall enough to heat up the cast-iron pot that you’ve got hangin’ over it by an iron stake. That rabbit is stewin’ in the pot, along with some water, beans, cut up carrots and a little bit of rice. You stir the pot, listenin’ to the sound of the river as it trickles past.

The sweet sound of a harmonica sounds then, and your gaze snaps up to see Kylo with the instrument against his lips. His eyes are closed, and he’s breathin’ nice and even, the high tune of a melody makin’ your throat choke up. It was a tune you knew all too well, once upon a time, a long time ago.

You stir the stew, chewin’ on the side of your cheek, until somethin’ in you compels you to sing. Your voice is a little rusty, but it doesn’t deter Kylo one bit, in fact, when he catches wind of you singin’ along to his tune, he plays a little louder, a little clearer, switchin’ to the harmony as you take over the melody to the sad cowboy song that you once used to teach yourself,

"O bury me not on the lone prairie."

These words came low and mournfully

From the pallid lips of the youth who lay

On his dying bed at the close of day.

He had wasted and pined 'til o'er his brow

Death's shades were slowly gathering now

He thought of home and loved ones nigh,

As the cowboys gathered to see him die.

"O bury me not on the lone prairie

Where coyotes howl and the wind blows free

In a narrow grave just six by three—

O bury me not on the lone prairie"

"It matters not, I've been told,

Where the body lies when the heart grows cold

Yet grant, o grant, this wish to me

O bury me not on the lone prairie."

Kylo sets down his harmonica then, and you blink away a light mistiness in your eye. It ain’t good to dwell on the past, you know, but sometimes, times like these, you can’t help but think ‘bout it. Kylo’s blinkin’ away somethin’ too, you notice, so as you stir the stew and determine the rabbit and vegetable and rice are all as cooked as they need to be, you ladle a big bowl for you and for this man who has become the closest thing to a companion you’ve ever had in your life, and you take it over to him.

He doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, not for a while. You simply sit down next to him, as close to him as you’ve gotten since that time in the river, and hand him the bowl and spoon. He accepts it gratefully, his own gaze cast into the fire, and not for the first time, you wonder what’s goin’ on in his head.

After a couple bites of the stew, you rest your head on his shoulder. It’s a tentative motion, a hesitant one. Kylo holds his breath, you can feel it in the way he tenses ever so slightly, but he doesn’t tell you to move, and that’s as good of an invitation to stay as any, you reckon.

“You can’t go lookin’ at me like that, by the by.” Breaking the silence, you slurp down a spoonful of stew yourself, lookin’ into the comforting vision of the flames which flicker and flare gently in front of you.

“Hm?”

“If we’re meant to be cousins,” You explain, voice soft and kind, knowin’ that you’ve been too hard on him these past couple days. “You can’t be givin’ me those eyes of yours. Folks might see through the ruse.”

Kylo surprises you by shruggin’ with his other shoulder, his cheeks crinklin’ into a smile. His dimples crease, and he chews on his lip a little, keepin’ his eyes down as he blushes.

“Folks marry their cousins all the time, it wouldn’t be so strange.” Kylo nearly whispers, almost like he’s afraid to speak the words, rushes quickly to try and change the subject as soon as he’s said it, “Hell, my mother almost married her own damn brother on accident -- but that’s a long and complicated story.”

“Oh so we’re married now.” You smile, feelin’ the heat rise to your own cheeks. It’s less of a question and more of a statement, the way you say it, and you find that against your own better judgement, you like the way it sounds. You like the idea of it, and that makes butterflies spark up in your stomach, a feelin’ you ain’t so used to.

“We could be.” Kylo doesn’t dare look at you, idly stirring his bowl, “We could pretend, anyway.”

You think for a second about what that might be like -- but then you shake your head a little and sigh, “I made a promise I’d never be a meek housewife.”

“Ain’t no one here callin’ you meek.” Kylo reassures you, and now it’s your turn to duck your head, to rest it against his shoulder a little more. Your heart beats wildly in your chest, you wonder if he can hear it out there in the quiet of night.

“Be my cousin, for just a little while longer.” You whisper, a silent plea to just give you some more time, “Until we make it to Ruby City.”

“I can’t get a good read on you.” Kylo hums, and you’re relieved to hear that he’s not got an angry or disappointed edge to his tone.

He really does respect you, you realize all of a sudden. Maybe it’s foolish to come to that conclusion so soon, so quickly after you’ve met him, but you can’t help but come to it nonetheless. He’s done nothin’ but respect you this whole time, and you don’t know what to do about that. It’s never happened before.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask, a hint of a smile on your lips.

“It means that you’re the most mysterious damn woman I’ve ever met.” He replies easily, a smile on his own.

“I have to be.” Shrugging, you eat another bite of the stew, wishin’ you had some spices to throw in it. You hope Kylo doesn’t think it’s too bland -- before growin’ bashful again, at the thought that you want him to enjoy your cookin’.

“Why’s that?”

“Because the more people that know about me, the less safe I am.”

“I told you -- ”

“I know, you ain’t gonna hurt me, I know.” You interrupt him, before sighing, wondering if you were really going to do this, if you were really going to tell him. “That’s not what I meant.”

Kylo senses a shift in the air, a change in the atmosphere, and his teasing playful smile melts into something a little more somber, more serious. He watches you, and waits for what you have to say, and you decide that what the hell -- if you couldn’t tell Kylo, you couldn’t tell anyone at all.

“I didn’t always used to be an outlaw, you know.” Setting down your bowl of stew, you fidget with the hem of your blue dress’ skirt, and look into the fire, your memory transporting you to a place and time that felt like a million years ago. “There was a time, a long time ago, that I was a school teacher, in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere Utah...”

-----------------------

You were young, when you started teachin’ at the school. It had always been your favorite place when you were growin’ up, and when the teacher herself got married and moved away, you jumped at the vacancy at once. This was the only way a young woman like yourself could earn a living with her clothes on, you knew that, and though you were barely older than the students that came to your classes, you took your job seriously.

It had been a bright sunny morning in Spring the day you turned sixteen, when the bells tolled for all the school children to come rushing to your door. Standing outside the single room schoolhouse, you had a cheerful smile on your face as you welcomed the students that you had come to love and care for, as they bounded up the few steps and into the wooden building. Ranging in age from as young as five, to as old as twelve, two dozen students took to their seats, fresh faced and recently washed, hair combed for their lessons.

“Good mornin’ class!” You walk to the front of the room once the bell finishes tolling, picking up a piece of chalk and writing out the first line to a popular sea shanty turned folk song, your delicate cursive spelling, ‘O Bury Me Not On The Lone Prairie.’

“Good morning Miss (L/N)!” The class responds in happy unison. One of your students, a young girl named Wendy quickly gets out of her seat to place an apple on your desk before hurrying back.

You smile at her, at all of them, having grown so fond of this mis-matched group of kids that have been placed in your care for the weekdays.

“I trust y’all had a good weekend?” You ask them, met with a chorus of overlapping affirmations, and you chuckle at their response to immediately wantin’ to tell you all about everything they did on their days off. “Good, I’m glad. Now if you would buddy up and please take out your textbook, we’ll pick up where we left off on Friday.”

The McGuffey reader was your go-to book to teach the children with, it had everything you needed -- reading, writing, and arithmetic that was easy enough to understand by even the littlest of your students. It was broken down into repetition, phonetics, and even had lines to trace the letters and numbers, but more than that, it was the book you yourself had learned to read by, so you were familiar enough with it.

“Who would like to be the first to read what I’ve got written up on the board?” You ask, once they’ve all opened their books to the appropriate page, a handful of eager students at once clamoring to volunteer.

And so, like any other day, the morning turned to afternoon, and the afternoon turned to evening. When the bells rang to dismiss the class, the children groaned, knowing that meant they had to go home where their family would likely put them to work in the field or in the kitchen for an hour before supper.

“Thank you for another wonderful day children, y’all be good for your parents now, you hear?” You try to encourage them to cheer up, even if it did warm your heart that they liked learning from you so much. “Oh, Rickie? Could you come here for a minute? You’re not in trouble, I promise.”

Sitting at your desk for a moment, you saw the earring that you had stashed in your drawer from the evening prior, and you fish it out as the ten year old skips over to you, his mousy brown hair flopping around as he does. You smile, thinkin’ that he might do to ask for a trim when he gets home.

“Yes ma’am?” Rickie stands before the desk, and you hand him the earring, his eyes going wide as he recognizes it.

“Could you do me a big favor and deliver this to your Mama? She must’ve dropped it here last night and I’m sure she’s goin’ crazy lookin’ for it.” You smile, and he nods happily.

“She sure is! Earned myself a smack upside the head I did, when she thought I snatched it from her dresser!” Rickie laughs, clearly glad to have been vindicated.

“Well I’m sure she’ll be sorry when you bring it back to her, let her know I was the one who had it, not you.” You smile back warmly at him, but he’s already runnin’ out of the schoolhouse, callin’ another thanks and a goodbye behind him as he goes.

Only a moment or two before the last of your students are gone, is there a knock on the door.

He doesn’t wait for an answer before coming in anyway, and you look up with a frown to see who would be so rude as to invite themselves, until you recognize the sheriff and put a forced smile upon your face.

“Hello sheriff, how are you this fine evenin’?” You present yourself as politely as possible, as the man’s spurs clink while those heavy boots of his walk across your floors, trackin’ mud in from the outside with little care.

You didn’t like him, the sheriff. Didn’t like the way you caught him starin’ at you sometimes, didn’t like the way you caught him starin’ at the girls in your class. He was one of the oldest fellas in town, maybe three times your age. He’s starin’ at you now, eyein’ you up and down in a way that makes your skin crawl.

“I’m doin’ well honey, thank you.” The sheriff chews on some tobacco, a habit you can’t stand, before pointin’ out the door behind him and askin’ with a stern voice, “That boy wasn’t givin’ you any trouble, was he?”

“Rickie? No of course not, he’s a good kid.” You’re quick to reply, not wantin’ to cause any trouble for the young farmboy. You and the sheriff look at each other for a moment or two, before you grow more and more uncomfortable, busyin’ your hands with the worksheets that’ve been left on your desk to grade. You clear your throat, “Is -- has somethin’ happened?”

“Naw, I just wanted to come by and see ya before your night class starts.” The sheriff’s spurs clink clink clink over to the desk where he sits himself down, right on the wooden table-top.

“Well, here I am. Can I offer you somethin’ to drink? Coffee?” You try your best to be polite, hoping that one of your night students -- adults from the town who never got to go to school when they were young -- might show up and come to your rescue.

“Not tonight, thank you.” He replies, making you sigh out with relief against your better judgement. He doesn’t notice, instead you can feel his gaze on your chest, “But, if you’re free this friday evenin’, I’d love to take you up on that offer.”

“Oh...I see.” Bile rising up in the back of your throat, you shake your head and try to reject him as politely as possible, voice clipped yet firm as you move from around the desk to the chalk-board where you erase the children’s lesson and prepare for the adult’s. “Sheriff, I’m sorry but, I’m not quite interested in seein’ anyone at present.”

“And why’s that?” He doesn’t leave you alone, and you begin to panic with the way he’s steppin’ closer to you, knowin’ that if he traps you against the board, there won’t be a clear path to escape.

“Well it ain’t allowed for a woman to be datin’ while she’s a schoolteacher.” You explain, your voice starting to wobble.

Something about that makes him chuckle, somethin’ sinister, his blackened teeth from all that damn tobacco too close to your face when he grins.

“Must be awfully lonely,” Sheriff runs his hand up your arm, “Missin’ the comfort of a man at night.”

“It’s not.” Your body shudders in revolt, and you try to side step him, blood pounding in your ears, eyes wide in distress as you feel sweat bead up and trickle down the back of your thigh, “I appreciate your concern but -- ”

“Let me just get one kiss then.” He doesn’t let you go that easily, grabbing your arm harshly and dragging you over to one of the desks where he pushes you with a rough shove. His hand grips your cheek too hard, forcing your mouth to pucker as you fight him.

“Sheriff, I said no -- please get away from me -- I don’t -- don’t touch me!!” You knee him hard straight in the groin, your panicked scream alerting the adults who had thankfully, miraculously, decided to show up for evening class early.

“Miss (L/N)!” A couple of cattle ranchers kick the door open and run to your side, tugging you away from the sheriff who laughs loudly. You smell the stench of alcohol on him, realizing he’s drunk as all hell, and cling to the strong rancher, tears threatening to spill over your eyes.

“Don’t you ever fucking touch our teacher again!” One of the ranchers, a nice man named Francisco, holds you tightly, protectively. You always liked Francisco, he treated you like a daughter he never got to have. The other, Jedidiah, stands firmly next to you, so ready to lunge at the sheriff that you can’t help but feel immense gratitude towards them.

“Everythin’s just fine son, run along now.” The sheriff chuckles, but neither Francisco nor Jedidiah move a muscle.

“Sheriff I think you need to leave.” Mustering up as much of your courage as possible, you speak clearly, willing your voice not to shake as the safety of Francisco’s arms give you strength, “Class begins soon, I’m sorry.”

The ranchers stare the sheriff down, and he stares back, before noddin’ with a sick understandin’ that you reckon means this won’t be the last you see of him. Spittin’ his tobacco onto the floor, that same floor he sullied with the mud under his boots after the children had so lovingly cleaned it with you, the sheriff turned on his heel and left, pausin’ at the doorway for a moment to send you a dark, threatenin’ chuckle, “You will be.”

“Are you alright Miss (L/N)? Did he hurt you?” Jedidiah takes his cap off and kneels in front of you, tryin’ to appear as non-threatenin’ as possible. Francisco releases his hold on you, and checks you for any marks or signs of stress, but you just let out a shudderin’ breath and shake your head. You’re not sure which question that’s meant to answer, but they don’t press you.

“Who do we call when the sheriff’s the one acting out?” Francisco wonders aloud, and you feel like there’s lead in your belly, because he’s right.

The only way you’d likely be able to avoid the sheriff and his wrath would be to leave town altogether, and well, you couldn’t do that. Who would keep after the students then?

There wasn’t any trouble during the lesson that evening, much to your satisfaction. The later it got in the night, the more you felt relieved, surely if the sheriff was going to cause trouble, he would’ve done so by now. Your students can tell that there’s something off about you though, a few of them approachin’ you after the class was done, wonderin’ if there was anythin’ they could do.

In hindsight, you wonder how different your life would’ve been, had you asked to stay with one of them for the evening, or had you asked one of them to stay with you.

The chokin’ woke you up, before anythin’ else. Smoke, thick black plumes of it pouring out of the windows, the doors. Smoke in your lungs that had your body joltin’ up and out of the little bed up in the attic where you lived above the schoolhouse, had you rollin’ onto the floor in a panic.

“No!” You shout, as the heat of red orange yellow flames begins to lick up the walls, eatin’ away at the wood structure of the building, the whole thing two steps from bein’ a blazin’ bonfire out in the field, “Oh god, oh god no!”

Frantic, you run, mind going blank, trying to focus on grabbin’ the important things, only the important things; a photo of your family, the money out of the dresser, a copy of your favorite book. That was it, all you had that you could think to grab, before trying for the door.

The handle burns, and you scream, shaking the pain away from the blisteringly hot doorknob. You’re fucked, oh you’re so fucked, you think as you back up enough to barrel your way through the door, the wood shattering and splintering. The fire reached all the way up to the attic, there was nowhere you could escape. You could jump out the window, but you’d break your neck landin’ on the hard ground. Outside, someone yells, revelin’ in the way that you scream.

“If I can’t have you, ain’t nobody gets to have you, hear that? You hear that bitch?” The sheriff cackles tauntingly, and the fear of death drips icy cold down your back, compels you to run as fast as you can down the wooden rickety stairs, into the blaze.

If you can just get out, if only you can get out of this building, maybe you’ll survive, maybe you --“No!”

One of the stairs has shattered beneath your feet, your foot stomping straight through it, trapped. You cough and hack up the smoke, it’s stinging your eyes, it’s in your lungs, soot in your mouth, you can’t see, oh god it’s so hot, the flames are surrounding you, and your foot is stuck through the stairs.

“Please, please come on you’re strong enough for this, you have to be strong enough for this, come on.” You sob, willing yourself, yanking your foot out in harsh movements as the laughter screeches around you in a drunken stupor.

Eventually, in all your efforts, the structure of the stairs give away entirely, and you try to grab onto something as the floor falls beneath your feet, sending you crashing down into the classroom below. The fire’s taken everything here; the wallpaper, the tables and chairs, even the shiny apple that Wendy sat on your desk, all reduced to ash, cracking and spitting in the flames.

You’ve hit your head from the fall, you can’t move. Somethin’s pinned your legs, you can’t feel nothin’. At least there ain’t any smoke down here, all of it risin’ up up up through the building. The smoke pushes the bells, make them toll. You wonder if they’re callin’ the Reaper, tears slippin’ down your cheeks.

“All the books, oh the poor children.” You whisper, thinkin’ of them all, watchin’ as the textbooks singe to nothingness, knowin’ that soon your body will follow, “Who’s going to teach the children?”

-----------------------

Kylo’s arm is around you, you realize, out there in the present. He’s stock-still, face gone pale, somber. He’s crying, you realize, jaw clenched tight, the muscle in his cheek flexing from the force of it. You’re crying too, wetness on your face. You watch as a tear plips into the rabbit stew, and you’re not entirely sure if it’s one of yours, or Kylo’s.

“The rest of the town came to my rescue, once the flames got so bright you could see ‘em from across the fields. They thought I was dead, when they found me.” You clear your throat, rememberin’ the details of the story that you had only found out after the fact, “I was covered in soot, breathed too much of it in, I wasn’t wakin’ up. I later found out that the sheriff didn’t let them give me a funeral, just told them to stick me in a coffin and gave me a shallow grave.”

Kylo remains quiet, but the arm around you tightens. You’re reminded of Francisco then, how he had protected you. You wonder where he is, what he’s doing. If he ever got to have a daughter.

“I was glad for that part at least, it wasn’t too hard to dig my way back out when I woke up. I must’ve only been there for a couple hours, the dirt wasn’t packed tight or nothin’, thankfully.” You sigh, not knowing when to stop, now knowin’ how to do any of this, how to be vulnerable like this. You ain’t had to be vulnerable in a long, long time.

“Must’ve been out of my mind, I had never thought about killin’ anyone before, you know. I was more angry about the loss of the school than I was for my own life, if you can believe. I hunted him down, the sheriff. He thought I was a ghost, and he hid from me. I found him in the end, doused him in kerosene and lit the sonofabitch on fire right on his front porch.”

You lean your head on Kylo’s shoulder, and ever so gently, he rests his cheek against you back.

“I was sixteen then, and “I’ve been burnin’ shit down to the ground ever since.” You whisper, voice almost lost by the trickle of the river as it flows down to Colorado.

“I’m sorry.” Kylo says, snuffling into your hair a little bit, holdin’ you close, a silent promise.

“It ain’t your fault.” You reply, fightin’ that sour feelin’ in the back of your throat, nudging your face a little closer into his neck.

“If I had been there, I would’ve helped you.” He says, even though you both know that there ain’t no changin’ the past.

“You’re here now.” You pull back enough to look at him, really look at him right in the eyes.

“Yeah, I am.” He nods.

You wonder, sometimes how life might’ve been different, but after all is said and done, this is the life you’ve got.

Kylo lies down then, one arm extended out from his body, an offer.

You don’t think twice about it, when you lay down next to him, your head usin’ that arm as a pillow. It wraps around your shoulder, tuggin’ you to Kylo’s chest, and for the first time in a long time, when you sleep, you don’t dream.

"I've always wished to be laid when I died

In a little churchyard on the green hillside

By my father's grave, there let me be,

O bury me not on the lone prairie."

"I wish to lie where a mother's prayer

And a sister's tear will mingle there.

Where friends can come and weep o'er me.

O bury me not on the lone prairie."

"For there's another whose tears will shed.

For the one who lies in a prairie bed.

It breaks me heart to think of her now,

She has curled these locks, she has kissed this brow."

"O bury me not..." And his voice failed there.

But they took no heed to his dying prayer.

In a narrow grave, just six by three

They buried him there on the lone prairie.

And the cowboys now as they roam the plain,

For they marked the spot where his bones were lain,

Fling a handful o' roses o'er his grave

With a prayer to God his soul to save.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taggin' some Kylo lovin' friends!

@mochabucky @sacklerscumrag @artsymaddie @bitchydecisions @direnightshade @reyloaddict55 @thembohux @kylorenswhxre @sunflowersinthesnow @babayagakeanu @safarigirlsp @steeevienicks @materialisthicc @hswritingrecs @rosi3ba3z @chapterhappygirl @schopenhauerdeathsquad @loverofallthings @groovetoob @bxnnywriting @angel-bxby3 @smallgirlbigpersonality @lovelyyy-luna @2000andwhat @raddo1975 @cornmousequeen @metsienmenninkainen @caillea @painttheskylineforme @holding-on-to-starwars @kylo-ren-is-alive @caitlin-was-here @icarusinthesea @princessflip @goddessofsprings @mrs-gucci @baubub @bucky-j-barnes @mindyoshiii @beachwoodmonet @darkhairedmenrule @eagerforhoney @nekonaomitard @einmal-im-traum @justlenastuff @0nihiime

#kylo ren x reader #kylo ren/reader #kylo ren fanfic #kylo ren fanfiction #adam driver fanfic #adcu #my writing #biting dust #historical au #western au #outlaw!kylo ren #outlaw!reader

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whatiwillsay · 3 years

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submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me. but i am very emotional right now. i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience. ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support. have you been financially impacted by this? we can raise money. do you need therapy? we can help you find the support you need. this community is unequivocally here for you. whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will. you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this. i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened. this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do. this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

#submission #tw: abuse #tw: homophobia

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