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maximumkillshot · 5 months

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I Can't Lose You- Part 7

Warnings: Descriptions of Grief, PTSD Flashback, Intense Grief, Mentions of Miscarriage, Pissed off Lee Know, Anxiety, Panic, Everyone is hurting but you knew this... right?

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Characters: Stray Kids, Reader, Nurse, Soo?

A/N: Okay her we are with part 7 the song that I linked is what I had on repeat for part 6 &7 for the most part... I am so sorry and as always I'll be around for therapy after. If you really wanna cry, listen to what I listened to while writing this about 98% of the time, Can You Hold Me by NF and Britt Nicole.

I Can't Lose you Masterlist-CLICK HERE

Stray Kids Masterlist-CLICK HERE

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ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

BEFORE: His body went into overdrive, the shock melting into panic. He wasn’t going to let Death take you, “Han hurry up, she's slipping!” He screamed at the door. His scream didn’t sound like him. The sound akin to a bystander watching a loved one jump from a bridge. Watching the body disappear all because of one step. He couldn’t wouldn’t let you fall. He screamed as if he dove for your hand, the same hand that fits so perfectly in his, as you threatened to disappear over the ledge of that bridge. Bin got closer to your ear, so you could hear him better, “Please don’t say that. I know it hurts, just stay with me, hold on. I’m here. Stay with me. You can’t leave me here, please.” Changbin tilted your head, so you could hear his heartbeat. Subconsciously thinking, If you go I go. He gently wrapped his arm across your breastbone, trying to provide some soothing pressure to your chest. His hand resting on your opposite arm, rubbing the meat of it in a soothing pattern. His other hand was petting your hair. The hold he had you in gave you someone to hold on to. As soon as his forearm rested you wrapped your hands around it, grabbing his hand as you dangled on the ledge. “Binnie it hurts, pleaseee. Help me, it hurtss.” You sobbed, your voice cracking and breaking, a mirror of your soul. Bin continued to slowly rock you, “I know Angel, I know I want to take it away. Just hold on for me. Hold on to me.” He had no idea how he was able to be calm for you. A part of him knew that he needed to. He was not going to collapse so you could face all of this on your own. He refused. He needed to fight for you, and he would, for eternity if he had to.

NOW:

The boys were trying their hardest to be calm, but some just couldn’t handle it. I.N. and Felix being the two that were physically holding their heads, crouched in the fetal position, trying to cover their ears as they heard your screams in the hallway.

Hyunjin went over to them and picked them up, their forms curling into him as they cried. Hyunjin couldn’t pinpoint why your screams sounded so unhuman, subconsciously trying to find a way to help. Once reality set in he realized, none of them had ever heard the scream of a mother who lost their child… not until today. That made chills go up his spine as goosebumps riddled his skin. That was why it sounded so unhuman. His mother once told him, “Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around.” He found himself repeating those words out loud as tears fell down his face. He never thought he’d understand those words, but now that he does, he was numb, numb with pain.

I.N.’s heart was breaking for you as he heard you calling out to no one, asking for the impossible. He was trying to be strong but hearing you in so much pain was too much. “I want to help her Hyung but I don’t know how.” That broke Hyunjin even more because he couldn’t do anything. No one could.

Hyunjin rubbed his back saying,“We can only be here for her, Innah. We need to be here, make sure she knows we aren’t going anywhere. That’s all we can do. I wish we could do more, but we can’t.”

Felix was crying because the only thing that could happen was him hearing the screams of a person that he loves, a best friend he considers as his sister, while he can’t do anything at all. The frustration combined with the sadness sliced through him.

Seungmin was the one member whom no one expected to cry yet there he was, crying. No one in the entire group knew he was one of the most hurt. His reactions to everything were visceral. If he wasn’t using the railing lining the hall, he was certain his legs would give out. He faced the wall sobbing, feeling the cold wall on his forehead. He didn’t care that he was in a hallway in a hospital full of nursing staff and strangers. He had been holding all of it in for weeks now…

It all started about two months ago. When Seungmin had come over to the 3Racha house, he noticed some things. He was making some lunch while he waited for the others to come back from the gym. The minute he opened the kimchi, you ran to vomit. That coupled with the fact that you looked like you were glowing raised his suspicion. When you came back to the kitchen he said, “When was the last time you took a pregnancy test?”

You cocked your head to the side quizzicaly as he giggled, “I’m 99.9% sure that you’re pregnant. Pee on a stick just to be sure but… Yeah, congrats. I’m going to throw away everything that smells like kimchi while you check.”

He was there for all of it. Everything from staring at the test with you waiting for the verdict. He spun you around congratulating you. He helped hide the evidence. Helped plan, he was even there when you got the ultrasound, filming it for Chan so he didn’t feel like he was left out. In many ways Seungmin had a better tie to that child than anyone else aside from you. He imagined everything with you.

Ever since he saw I.N. storm out to kill Chan… he checked out emotionally. He couldn’t handle the pain. He couldn’t ignore it anymore when he heard your screams. He thought of all the names you’d send him to see if they’d sound good. If it was a boy, you were incessant on Seungmin. You wanted to name the baby after him because he had “noticed first.” But he got you to change it to Chanseung, meaning “lingering victory”. This whole time...Every scream you let loose he heard the baby’s heartbeat as the memories flashed in and out of his mind.

He remembered the times when he would come over just to clear the kitchen of anything that’d trigger your gag reflex. His Hyungs would get pissed at him because they even labeled the items with "do not touch”, but somehow, mysteriously, Seungmin didn’t see it and ate it all… whoops. He even got up at whatever time you called to pick up whatever you were craving. Another was when you went out for a walk with him and you were telling him about all of the new things you were noticing about your body.

But his favorites were whenever you and himself would be alone in the kitchen or on the couch while everyone was distracted he’d look down at your belly, he would glance around and go to your ear just to say “They have no clue… That there’s 10 people in this house.” He’d do that just to see you try to suppress the smile on your face.

He even had dreams of going to the hospital to meet the baby. The dream always started with the phone call. Changbin would be on the other line as he picked up, “the baby’s coming, they’re already at the hospital, see you there.” Then the dream would jump to Chris walking out, “Congratulations everyone, you have a beautiful and healthy nephew. Once Y/N is cleaned up, you guys can come back to meet Chanseung.” In every single one of those dreams Seungmin would cry happy tears. When he’d be taken back, he was met with the cutest bundle, eyes like yours, a head full of curly hair like Chan’s. Chan would hand the baby to Seungmin and Changbin would say “what about me?” And you’d say, “godparents always hold the baby first.” Seungmin would look around shocked as more tears fell from his eyes, he would look at you and say “really? Me?” You’d look at him nodding with tears of your own, “How could it be anyone else, you took such good care of us, Minnie. You’d do anything for him. Your the one I trust the most with him.” He looked down to the baby and whispered “Hello Chanseung, I’ve been waiting for so long to meet you. My name's Seungmin, I’m your godfather.” He cuddled with the baby as he cried tears of joy, nothing but love and gratitude in his heart. Now that’s all they’ll ever be… Just dreams.

While everyone else was mourning as a friend, a brother, an Uncle, he mourned like a father. He felt like he lost a child. It destroyed him, ripping him apart inside, making him reflexively grab his chest, the air abundant but still suffocating, leaving him no other choice but for his chest to collapse inward as the sobs escaped.

Minho noticed that your screams didn’t sound human, closer to a wounded animal. Minho looked at Chan’s face as you screamed for your baby. He could see that Chan was sad, but it didn’t seem like he was truly grasping it. It was only when Chan’s phone lit up, that Minho’s patience snapped. He saw the name “Soo BFF Y/N” light up the screen, and before Chan could do anything about it, he snatched the phone. Minho grabbed Chris by the back of his neck, his nails digging into the meat of it. Minho spoke with a lethal air as he spat, “Waiting room… NOW.”

They ducked into the waiting room down the hall. The rest of the boys followed suit, locking the door to the room as Minho answered the call and said nothing.

“Hey Baby, you haven’t been picking up, is everything okay? What happened after I left?” Her voice rang through the waiting room.

Minho looked to Chris, and nodded to the phone, Chris responded, “No. Everything isn’t okay. Y/N was pregnant.”

There was a beat or two and she said, “Was?” Then she said, “As in not currently? I guess that is a good thing right? Considering you were going to divorce her for me anyway. A baby would’ve made it messy, no?”

Everyone’s jaws dropped. Some looking for confirmation, that they indeed heard what they did.

Chris looked at the phone like it had offended him his jaw slack, “what the fuck did you say to me?!” His face showed more emotion than hearing his wife’s soul being torn to shreds about losing the baby, “My child is dead and your response is ‘at least it’s less messy now?!’ How fucking heartless are you?” he asked.

Minho couldn’t believe what he was hearing and seeing out of Chris. He just heard his wife scream that she wants to die, that she wants to no longer exist because his child is dead. Yet the thing that gets him offended, have any reaction at all was his sidepiece saying something. Taking the first opportunity to skirt over how this all even happened. Minho wasn’t going to let him get away that easily, he spoke up, “You really are a fucking coward, huh, Chris? You won’t even tell her how all of this happened?”

Chris just bowed his head as Minho continued, “She miscarried from the shock and trauma of seeing you and her husband fucking right in front of her on their 3rd anniversary. YOU and Chris killed that child,” Minho seethed into the phone. “You want to hear what is happening to your so-called best friend? What you call, less messy?”

Minho took the phone off of the speaker and stormed down the hall. His heart was hammering in his chest, hearing of what she said playing in his head on repeat. His pain clouded his generous nature. For once, Minho doesn’t want to protect someone. He wanted Soo to feel the pain that you feel. He wants her to hear your screams. To hear your soul fracturing, hear the blood as it falls from the stab wound in your heart. That knife that no one can take out. That permanent piercing is now festering. The piercing that she and Chan personally put into one of the nicest people he’s ever met. He wants her to hurt. Just the thought of hearing Soo cry, made him smile. He wants her to suffer, truly suffer, just like he wants Chan to suffer. A part of him hates that this is what he wants but the rest of him knows, this is justified. A righteous anger. A human reaction. Which Soo cannot be.

Minho stopped outside of the room and held the phone out for Soo to hear your screams. He could somewhat hear Soo gasping at what was happening. Minho turned on the video to show her what little he could see from the door, which was your form rocking with Bin gently holding you, trying to calm you. “Hold on to me and breathe for me,” He heard Bin talking to you, trying to get you to fight.

“Binnie, please, my baby.” Minho heard your voice trembling, seeing you clutch on to Bin’s forearm. Your voice was worse than haunting, Minho could hear you trying to will your baby back.

“All you need to do is breathe and hold on to me. I’ve got you, I’m here.”

“I can’t Binnie I can’t I need my baby! Pleassee help me!” Your voice nearly gone from all of the screaming taking place.

It filled Minho with rage. The person on the phone caused this, along with your husband. Here Bin was, trying to will you to stay, to hold on to him, not anyone else. That made Minho feel better, if anyone could put you back together, make you want to stay, it’s Bin.

After being there for a minute or two Han barreled by him, all Minho did was flash the phone at him and point to the waiting room and Han nodded. He was telling him that when he was done making sure you were okay, for him to come to the room they were currently occupying with no words.

The minute Minho went back to the waiting room, he turned the speaker on to hear Soo. There was no response, only fast breathing and sniffling.

Minho tried to be quiet as he said, “Did that sound clean to you, Soo? Did that look less messy? She almost died last night, almost bled out from a hemorrhage that you both caused. She just screamed that she just wanted to die already. So tell me, what part about any of this screams a clean break?!”

Soo was silent for a moment and she said, “I never meant to hurt her, Minho.”

Minho’s blood boiled as he said, “People don’t get into cars with the goal of causing an accident and killing someone, but it happens all the same. I am so happy that you called, actually. I wanted to say this to your face but this’ll have to do. I couldn’t do this last night because I’m a decent person who was worried about one of my best friends... But now that she is being helped I can tell you. You are a sad excuse of a human being, I truly mean that. It takes a certain level of desperation to take your best friend’s sloppy seconds. Even more desperate to actually believe that he’d leave Y/N for your sorry waste of an existence. ”

Chan prickled at that, cocking his head, “As a matter of fact, the sloppy seconds is glaring at me while I say this and I don’t fucking care, as soon as I am done with you on the phone I’ll deal with him. You both destroyed someone very close to my heart. A person who has done nothing to either of you and yet you do this.”

Han walks in as Minho is grilling Soo, he whispers something to Felix and Felix goes out of the room. Minho continued, “As if what you did wasn’t enough you have the audacity to say that it was a good thing that Y/N miscarried because it would make the divorce less messy.”

Han’s eyes bulged out of his head at hearing that. No wonder why Minho wanted him here. Han felt rage at those words. Calling the death of a child that was wanted, a good thing? Minho’s lip was tight as he calmly finished his say, “I hope you know what you’re wishing for when you say you want him to yourself. If he did this to his own wife, imagine what he’d do to you… A nothing, a speck compared to Y/N. I hope you can live with yourself, but at least you’re breathing, something Y/N’s child never even got to experience because of you and Chris. I hope you rot and I hope it’s painful. Above all else, I hope that you pay in full for what you’ve done.”

Minho looked around, “Anyone want to talk to IT?” he punctuated “it” as he stared at Chris, daring him to say something. Everyone was silent and he said, “I would say it’s been a pleasure speaking to you, but that would be a lie; the only pleasure I’ll ever have is seeing you suffer.” With that, he hung up and walked to Chan, shoving the phone into his chest.

Minho stared at Chan, “Now it’s your turn… What are you doing here? Were we not clear enough for you?! What part of ‘stay away’ did you not get? Or are you that fucking stupid. She was making progress, she was sleeping and you had to come in, didn’t you.” His eyes burned into Chris.

“I just wanted to see her.” Chris said.

Minho got tunnel vision as he bore into Chan,“I… I … I.. That is all that exists for you, huh? It’s all about you. What you want, when you want, who you want, where you want. YOU wanted to see her, you didn’t even think about her wellbeing did you?! Of course you didn’t! That’s why you came in here and played the husband card over and over again. You are nothing to her. NOTHING! It baffles me how Changbin isn’t even married to her yet he’s a better husband than you will ever be!” Minho’s body betrayed him as he started to shake, “YOU DIDN’T JUST KILL YOUR CHILD… YOU KILLED WHO WE THOUGHT YOU WERE. YOU KILLED EACH ONE OF US! MOST OF ALL YOU KILLED Y/N. THE FUN LOVING, HOPEFUL Y/N IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU! That alone is something I will never forgive you for.”

“I’m going to give you one chance to walk out of here willingly. If you don’t, I will tell the boys to go back to the room. Then I am going to lock you in here with me, and believe me when I say you won’t like what happens next. When I’m done with you, I’ll go right back to Y/N and act like nothing happened.”

His tone was too calm, too monotone, the sound sending chills down Han’s spine.

The pain that Minho is in is something that he never shows anyone. He doesn’t like to be vulnerable. He couldn’t help but look at Chris’ wedding ring and think that he should’ve done something, anything to stop him from marrying you. He told himself that it wasn’t his relationship. He even asked Changbin if he was actually going to let this happen. Changbin just looked at him and said, “Does it kill me? Yes. Do I want to be the groom instead of the groomsman? Absolutely. But she’s happy. What I want is nothing compared to seeing her happy.” Just that singular memory gave him enough fuel to do what he had to do. He made a promise to himself in that moment, he will never let Chris close enough to be able to hurt you again.

Chris didn’t make a move, Minho could see that he was shocked. Which only fueled his rage.

Han had to cut in, “Minho… she’s asking for you.” Minho's heart twisted again as he loomed over Chris.

Minho sucked his teeth, “Even after nearly killing her, killing her child, ruining her life… Even now she’s still saving you without even knowing it. You have your chance, if I were you, I’d take it.” Minho stormed out of the room.

With that, Han looked at the rest of the boys, “Make sure he leaves, he’s already banned from the room. You are all welcome to come back up since it was clear who caused her to spiral. She wants you all as well. She’s scared we’re worried or that we’ll leave her.”

Hyunjin looked at Han and said, “We’ll be there. Go to her.”

As soon as Han left the room he saw Minho duck into your room.

When Minho came in he heard you saying, “Where’s MinMin? I don’t know what happened, m’scared Binnie, where's MinMin and Hannie? Lixie did they leave me?” Minho knew that whenever you were scared, you started using pet names. They felt safe to you. With your MinMin, Binnie, Lixie, and Hannie around, you'd be safe. Your voice is low and quivering, fear and panic clear. It's ripping him apart, reminding him almost of a child. A child trying to not let on how scared they are. You were a lot like a child in that way, you were so hurt you didn’t know who to trust, but the minute you see people you are sure won’t hurt you, you start asking for the others, knowing you can trust them to say the truth. You also reminded Minho of someone trying to cry silently, the quake in your voice giving you away.

From Minho’s view, all that could be seen is Changbin, grabbing his sweatshirt and putting it on, hood up. It was your favorite hoodie that Binnie wears, full of different stitches and felt like a cloud. He made fleeting eye contact with Minho. Just in those few seconds he could see Bin’s eyes trying to focus on not collapsing, yet trying to get Minho to understand. Minho could only imagine that what happened minutes ago was something that he had seen last night. Since Bin knew to call out to Han to get the nurses. It made his heart twist yet again, he knows that Bin isn’t used to caring for people. But you aren’t just people. You are more than that, you always have been more than that. That’s why it’s second nature to him.

“Binnie I’m scared what happened, where are my boys? Did I do something wrong, did I scare them? Will you leave too?” You asked through sniffles. Minho could see the effect those words had on Bin as he pulled the hoodie back, he spared one last gaze and flitted it towards the bed as if to say, watch me. If you can’t do what I’m about to do, don’t come in. Then he changed his face completely before turning to you and walking out of Minho’s field of vision. That killed Minho too. How Bin knew instinctually to change his face, his gaze softening.

“What happened isn’t something you need to worry about. You didn’t do anything wrong and the boys aren’t scared. I’m not going anywhere, see I was just putting my hoodie on, its your favorite. You don’t need to be afraid. I’m here. So is Lixie.” Bin’s voice was soothing, calm, steady, eventhough Minho identified the cracks in his foundation with only two seconds looking into his eyes.

Felix added as he tried to calm you saying, “We aren’t going anywhere okay? We are just making sure you’re going to be comfortable. MinMin’s coming and so is Hannie, Okay?”

Minho put on a smile, “I’m here”, hiding his pain for now. Your eyes were darting as you looked at him. Tearstains still painting your cheeks, fresh ones about to fall. You looked so dazed and confused as you looked around the room like you haven't been in it before.

You smiled at Minho, “MinMin…” more tears fell as you gaze fell on Minho’s eyes, “You didn’t leave? Binnie, Lixie, and Hannie said so but… m’scared… I don’t remember what happened,”

Minho wanted to curl you into a ball and shelter you, make sure no one could sneak up on you, that Chris couldn’t get his hands on you again, spew more poison all over this healing space, your personal space. He wanted to tuck you in and stand watch, everything in him drove him to shield and protect you. He couldn’t show that though. He couldn’t call attention to what just happened. It could upset the balance that you are in. Instead he decided on another approach.

“Binnie was right, Beautiful. What happened isn’t important right now. What matters is that we are here with you, we’re going to keep you safe, okay?” Minho reached out and dried your tears with the sleeve of his shirt.

The nurse was just finishing giving you medicine, “What’d they give you? Something good?” Minho smiled warmly. He looked to the nurse who said, “Yes, she’ll be able to sleep no doubt. We’re also giving her medicine every six hours for the anxiety,” she smiled. That made Minho smile wide. He couldn’t help but be relieved for you. You are finally getting the medicine you need.

Minho looked at her and said, “Thank you so much, for taking care of her and coming so quickly.”

She just nodded and turned the lights off.

You yawned and started tearing up a little as you reached for Bin, “Don’t leave, Binnie…Lixie.” Felix was right at your hand as he said, “M’right here, it’s going to be okay. MinMin, Bin, all of us are here to make sure you’ll be okay.” Felix could see your shoulders slowly drooping as the medicine hit you. It was clear that the medicine was making you sleepy. That made everyone smile. You have had nothing but panic, havoc, and destruction. You deserved rest.

You looked at Minho and said, “I’m tired but I want my boys. You’ll wake me when they come back MinMin?”

Minho nodded and said, “Of course, Beautiful.”

You nodded then looked to Bin, “Binnie, I’m tired, if I sleep you’ll stay with me? I don’t want to ask too much, but can I have cuddles while I sleep?” Everyone in the room could tell that you were looking for constant reassurance. You just got out of a bad PTSD flashback, triggered by the man that caused the trauma, all on top of getting no sleep. Han walked in after making sure that Chris couldn’t make it back into the room, only walking in after he was sure Chris was in the elevator and clear of the area.

When Changbin heard you calling out to him, saying you’re scared he just wanted to hold and protect you. He successfully coaxed you out of the flashback. His whole being broke when you came out of it so disoriented. The first things you asked Bin was, “Why did he do that? Why did they do that I don’t know why? What happened?” Then immediately after, “I’m scared.” He didn’t know what to say to that first half. It’s inconceivable how anyone could cheat on anyone, especially someone like you. Trying to answer that question would only prove to be more frustrating for you than anything. Apparently the shock was written on Bin’s face as the nurse explained.

The nurses gently talked to Bin about what he was seeing, he’s never seen you like this and they explained that when someone comes out of a flashback episode, they are very confused. Sometimes they don’t know where they are or what happened. He learned that it was necessary to be very calm in repeating yourself, and ensuring the person coming out of it that everything is going to be okay and that they are safe. The nurse that was in the room with you was the one who coached Bin through the worse of it. He just had to keep pushing, to make you feel safe. He himself was also on the brink of collapse. The wall he made in his mind, to hold all the emotions inside around you, started failing long ago. More rubble falling by the minute.

Bin was trying to be as strong as he could be as he got into the bed with you, pulling you to him, and petting your hair back, “Of course we can cuddle. I am not going anywhere okay? I wouldn’t dream of it. Just take deep breaths. Let the medicine work, Angel.” He looked at you, so small, sweaty, tired, fragile. Felix immediately started tucking you in. Taking time to ensure sealing all of the edges of your body to stay nice and warm. Then he moved your hand to cuddle Bin, knowing that you’d want it there. He resumed his place at your back, he re-tied your gown that was coming loose, then slowly rubbing circles on your back, trying to soothe you. Bin tried to figure out how Chris could hurt someone so precious to him, to all of them. He couldn’t wrap his brain around it. Like that, more bricks fell from the wall.

“M’safe?” You asked Bin, eyes still brimming with unshed tears as you looked up at him. As soon as they were knocked free he used his thumb to wipe them away.

With me…“Always. No one is going to hurt you.” Not while I’m here. He brushed your cheekbone, you head leaning into his touch reflexively. More of the wall crashed to the ground. He gently guided your head down to his chest.

Even though you were being forcibly calmed by the medicine, he could see it. Your eyebrows were tense, still a quiver in your lip. The worst was the shaking. As he held you he could feel the tremble in your entire body. Your hands shook as you held on to his hoodie, rubbing the pattern to calm yourself.

After a few minutes passed, the boys went to come back in, but Han stopped them, just to explain to them what happened. He also gave them the rundown of how to talk to you and redirect and reassure you, that way you can rest.

“She doesn’t look like herself right now, that’s because she is still in a very fragile mental state, she’s going to repeat herself, she’s going to say she’s scared, a lot of things that will make you want to break. You cannot break in front of her. That can make her worse. If you need I can guide you through it. Just stay close to me, okay?”All of the boys nodded and went in. Minho let you know.

“Minnie, you here?” You asked.

“Yes I am, Birdie.” Seungmin said as he walked into your field of vision getting down to your level, “Getting sleepy, Birdie?” You nodded as tears started to spring to your eyes.

Seungmin’s nickname for you is Birdie. When you started hanging out with him more, he noticed something. Whenever you had a song stuck in your head, you would sing it on repeat. Your voice was always very soft, shy, melodic. It reminded him of the morning birds, so one day he called you Birdie and you smiled ear to ear. No one heard him call you that until now, since Seungmin is more an observer than a talker.

“If I sleep, you won’t go anywhere? I’m scared you’ll leave and I won’t see you again.” your tears fell as you looked directly into Seungmin’s eyes.

Seungmin whispered, “Oh my sweet Birdie,” as he kissed your forehead trying not to cry, drying your tears immediately, “You don’t need to be scared, I’m not going anywhere without you. You will always have me, okay? Right now all you need to do is rest, okay Birdie?”

You nodded then said, “Jinnie and Innie too? They’re here too?”

“Mhm, everyone’s here, Birdie.” Seungmin is doing his best to see you relax, lightly petting your hair, “So just close your eyes for me, let yourself rest, we’re here.” As if on command you slowly closed your eyes. What he doesn’t know is Innah is trying not to cry. Seeing the interaction cracking him open again.

Your breathing started calming and as Bin felt your body relax into him, your grip completely loosening. Seungmin didn’t stop petting your hair until he was sure you were out. Only then, did he go to IN’s side, where IN’s tears soaked into his shirt.

Bin played with your hand for a few seconds, seeing how delicate they are as well as gauging how asleep you are. Seeing no reaction from you he draped his hand over yours as he heard a ghost of mere minutes ago, ‘Please just let me die. Let me go.’ The wall collapsed and he started crying. Trying not to shake you at all as he kissed the crown of your head.

“No one’s going to hurt you, I promise. I got you. You’re going to be okay. You have to be.” Bin didn’t care who saw him. He felt so helpless, his soul is breaking for you as he cradled you. He can’t help but think that it’s all his fault. How could it not be? He didn’t follow his gut, he didn’t make the move, and now you’re suffering because of it. He kissed your hairline as he did his best to stop the pain in his chest, worried that you’d hear his heart breaking.

Minho watched as tears fell down his face. Seeing you like this and Bin, the one who gave up his own happiness… Handed his heart over to another man, only to see his heart used and abused. He could feel the pain radiating off of Bin. Minho heard a sniffle and looked to Seungmin. Seungmin always had a placid smile to his face, all Minho found was a quivering lip, tears falling, as he watched Bin.

Seungmin was seeing how perfect you are together, like he always saw, and seeing how broken you both are, yet you are both so strong together. That made Seungmin cry. Even though both of you are in agony right now, torn to shreds, you still clung to eachother, making a silent pact to make it together.

“You can’t leave me here…” He leaned back to see you. Another specter paid a visit, ‘Binnie it hurts. Help me pleaseee’. He felt his chest caving in at the memory. He willed himself to breathe normally, each pull of air burning his lungs, the muscles wanting to constrict. He cradled your head, trying to keep you as close to his heart as possible, “I need you, My Angel.” Bin felt Felix’s hand wrap around his shoulders, much like Bin would do for Lix when he cried.

Bin couldn’t imagine a world without you in it. A life without you. He knows the pain alone would kill him, kill all the boys. Your love, friendship, and loyalty is second to none. You are just that way. That beautiful, that kind, that irreplaceable. That is what makes Bin distraught, the thought of no you in the world… even finishing that sentence is unimaginable.

Han looked up at Bin, trying to will himself not to cry. The both of you are so sweet, so kind. He could see the weight on Bin’s shoulders, crushing him. He could see it in his head, Bin keeping everything bad from crashing on top of you, his arms outstretched, using his whole body as a shield. Han knew that if it meant keeping you safe, Bin would carry the world. That’s what separated Bin from Chris.

Both may be fond of you. Only one has ever put your safety over everything. Only one ever made you feel heard and seen. Only one ever made you laugh until you cried. Only one would take off work to take care of you when you’re sick. Only one made you understand that there is no priority above you. Only one would calm you with just a touch. Only one truly loves you with their heart and soul. That “only one” was in the bed with you right now.

Han watched, eventually just letting the tears fall as Bin held you saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, I’m sorry. I love you… I’m so sorry. Don’t leave me.”

That was the first time Changbin had ever let himself say it out loud, “I love you so much it hurts…I Can’t Lose You.”

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skzdreams · 2 years

Text

Breeding Clinic

pairings: Minho x FemReader

warnings: unprotected sex, fingering, oral, breeding, healthcare setting, slight dumbification

genre: smut

summary: special doctors visit with Lee Know

word count: 2.5k

a/n: long time no see!! I really hope you guys enjoy!!

‐---------------------

You sat in the cold waiting room, shaking with nerves, as the a/c marked your skin with a colony of goosebumps. You tapped your feet on the hard ground, listening to silence that was broken by an occasional murmur or cough from a distance.

You tried scrolling on your phone to make the time go a bit quicker but you couldn’t quite stay entertained because your thoughts were being overwhelmed by what-ifs and the sentence “am I making the right decision” over and over like a bad song stuck on repeat.

Then you heard it.

“Number 325…?” A man called out, wearing blue scrubs, with sandy bleached blond hair, and facial features so sharp and perfect, all you could do was stand there for a few seconds and take in his good looks.

“Uh, I think that’s me.” You held up a little white card with the number 325 in bold black letters spread across it. Of course it was you. You were the only person in the room.

The man smiled gently. “Perfect. You’re not confused are you…? The number system can be quite confusing. But in a facility..such as this one..it is quite different from a…how should I say…normal..hospital. For pretty obvious reasons, the names of our patients are completely confidential. We fully respect the privacy of our patients. Even the personnel and staff at this facility are unaware of our patients’ names.”

His talking somewhat overwhelmed you, so the only thing you could really say back was,”Oh, okay, I guess I understand.”

He guided you into a room with dim lighting and the most comfortable exam table you’ve ever seen. “Okay 325, you can just take a seat on the examination table right there, and I’m going to ask you a few questions. Most of them are just to confirm the information you filled out before your appointment, and others are to ensure your overall enjoyment and comfortability of this experience. Is that alright with you?”

You agreed and allowed the man to move on with his quick questionnaire.

“You are fully aware of the nature of this clinic and your appointment that is being conducted at this insemination, or otherwise known as breeding clinic today, correct?”

“Yes, I do.” You responded back.

“Alright then.” He scribbled down on a notepad in the palm of his hand.

“And you do know where you are, and the exact reason you are here?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

He continued asking different questions like, “Do you smoke at all?” , “Do you drink alcohol often, how often?” , “Do you use any elicit or recreational substances?” , “Do you typically have regular periods?” “Are you currently sexually active?”

You responded to all of his questions. He continuously assured you that the questions were necessary for your enjoyment of the appointment and to make sure that you’re healthy enough to go into the procedure without any unwanted complications.

“Okay so I see here that you have opted for the manual method of insemination with us today, is that correct?”

“Yes that’s correct.” you mumbled.

“There are many other ways to get the outcome of this procedure, however this specific method you have chose will require a live male assistant, that is okay with you?:”

You nodded your head while looking at the floor, kind of embarrassed. He could see that you were getting shy on him, so he did his best to try to cheer you up. “There’s no need to feel embarrassed. Most of our patients choose the manual method as well, because it is more enjoyable for both parties. We are all professionals here, so there is no need to feel any sort of shame. I know some people are also pretty skeptical of this method, because it does not always have a 100% success rate, however this isn't the 2080s anymore and with our new tech, test systems, and genetic alterations, all of our male assistants have been proven to successfully inseminate on the first attempt.”

You were happy to know that you wouldn’t be coming here for nothing and that your future pregnancy would be guaranteed. But this man was so handsome. You weren’t even worried about the baby you’ve always dreamt of having. He was the perfect distraction. All you wanted then, was him on top of you, taking you, and planting his seed inside of you. Using your body for his pleasure.

The way his hair covered his forehead lightly and slightly glided along with his movements each time he moved to the side, or when he looked up at you from his clipboard and notepad with sparkling eyes and damp lips and rosy cheeks, as he showed off his warm smile, sometimes with his small bunny like teeth poking through his perfect lips. He was beautiful. You saw his picture, when you were applying for your procedure, and just knew you had to have him as your assistant, but seeing him in real life like this was way better than you expected.

“When you were filling out your paperwork for this appointment, you chose what male assistant you would like to assist you with your insemination today, is that correct?”

“Yes that is correct.” You said trying to push back your smile that was trying to force its way past your lips.

“Now, If you haven’t noticed yet, I am the male assistant that you selected. If for whatever reason, you have second thoughts or would like to change your assist-”

“NO!!” you loudly interrupted him. “I definitely do not want another assistant. You’re perfect.”

He chuckled quietly to himself, not believing how cute you are right now. “Very enthusiastic, are we?” He laughed. “I’ll continue. Since you are already in the gown, would you go ahead and lean back all the way on the table, and try your best to relax. I know it’s a bit cold here, so I'll just..” He got out of his seat and walked over to the thermostat on the wall. He quickly bumped the heat up a few times so you could get nice, warm, and cozy. Or at least try to.

“I know it can be a little hard to relax right now, some of our patients find the clinic to be exciting, while others might be super nervous. But, we try to make the experience as pleasant, and comfortable as possible. Do you mind putting your legs in the stirrups here?

You were barefoot, the only form of clothes on your body was the hospital gown you changed into when you walked into the clinic’s private waiting rooms. When your foot touched the cold metal of the stirrups it sent chills throughout your body.

“Before we begin, I need to make sure the area of insemination is fully prepared for the procedure.” He got up out of his chair and kneeled on the floor, your pussy just mere inches away from his face. His hand trailed up the inside of your thighs, when coming back down he let his fingernails gently graze against your skin which made you hiss.

Without warning, your doctor dove in and covered your pussy with his mouth, sucking and licking all of your soft spots. His tongue flipped up and down on your clit that was growing more and more sensitive by the second. He licked up and down your slit, licking up almost every bit of wetness you were gushing out. He stuck his tongue inside of you, just a little bit which made your body jolt and spasm, barely even being able to handle the feeling of him. “Mmm” he hummed into your pussy making your clit vibrate along with the noise. You were honestly just a moaning mess, not even being able to speak with real words. He pulled away from your pussy, not letting you finish because he didn't want to make you cum quite yet.

“Did that feel alright?”

“Y-yes oh my god.”

He just chuckled to himself quietly like he was proud of himself.”Good now we’re going to move on to the next thing.”

The doctor slipped on a pair of blue surgical gloves. He got up and sat back in his chair. He spun around and grabbed a large bottle with the word “Trojan Lubricants” in big letters at the top of it.

He popped the cap up and squirted a quarter size dollop of the clear gel-like liquid on the tip of his two middle fingers. He set the bottle back on the desk behind him and looked back up at you again. But that didn't last long because his eyes shot right down to your pussy that was already glistening with wetness. It wasn’t often that you were exposed and displayed to a man like this, especially not a stranger, even if he was technically your doctor.

“Wow it seems you’re already producing your own natural lubricant, but I’m still going to use a little bit of this to kind of further prepare you.”

Finally he rubbed the lube on your entrance, that was pulsuing and clenching around nothing, just yearning to be fucked into. You jumped, surprised by the coldness of the gel hitting you so abruptly. It quickly began to warm up as the man began rubbing you up and down.

“I can see you are becoming less nervous by the way you're grinding against my hand like that, hm? That’s a good sign.” His thumb grazed and pressed against your sensitive and swollen clit. You lightly jolted back against the back of the exam table, already feeling too good.

Slowly, he pushed his middle finger inside of you. The feeling of the coolness of the glove and the wetness of the lube was almost euphoric. You gasped at the feeling of the stretch that his one single finger was already giving you.

He began to fuck his finger into you faster and faster.

“For this to work most effectively, we will act as how an ordinary couple would go about sexual intercourse. We do this so our patients feel comfortable and have an enjoyable, natural experience, as well as our staff because we are able to have a more…successful insemination, if we are also enjoying ourselves. And for comfortability, you can call me “Lino”. Of course this is not my real name, but if you later on in our procedure, need to address me, then Lino is the name you’ll address me by.”

He spoke to you in such a calm and collected way as if his finger wasn’t fucking into, causing your pussy to make gushing and shloshing noises that echoed off the seemingly thin walls.

“Fuck your pussy is clenching so fucking thight against my fingers.” It was obvious that your doctor was becoming hornier and hornier for you at that moment. It seemed as though it was a little bit more to him, you didn’t feel like any other patient. You felt like his. For him to fuck and kiss and make love to one day. He just watched your beautiful face as he drove his finger into your core, making you already so fucked out.

Lino pulled his finger out of you slowly, not letting you cum for a second time.

Lino climbed on top of you which made the exam table under you crinkle and crease, adjusting to the weight of you both.

He kissed you. That was not part of the procedure.

You were surprised but quickly got used to the feeling of his lips on yours as you began to feel the softness of his lips, and the taste, god, you just couldn't get enough.

Your hands scrambled all over his body trying to find a way to just rip off everything he had on and reveal his undoubtedly beautiful body. You could feel him smiling in between kisses.

He continued rubbing your clit, occasionally shoving his fingers in you, making you jolt and twitch under his touch.

He stood up and frantically started to take his scrubs off.

He pulled his pants down, and conveniently wasn't wearing any underwear whatsoever.

His hard cock bounced up and down, finally being freed from the confines of his tightening boxers.

Lino finally managed to get all of his clothes completely off. He walked closer to you, eyes full of lust, desire, and need for you. For the feeling of you around his member. He needed you digging your nails into his back as he was rutting into you. He needed you not to be able to speak, or even think. He needed you to be fucked dumb. He needed to be the one to fuck you dumb.

He mounted himself back on top of you. You felt his leaking tip against your sopping entrance. He leaned in for another kiss as he slowly pushed himself inside of you. He groaned into your mouth as you did to his, getting used to the feeling of your doctor stretching you out.

He began thrusting in and out of you, pace quickening after each.

He was just breathing loudly into the crook of your neck as he began thrusting faster and faster until he was rutting into you so hard and so quick, the exam table beneath the two of you was making an almost blaring crinkle sound.

The exam table’s crinkle, Lino’s moans, your moans, the sound of his cock sloppily sloshing into your pussy, the claps of your skin meeting each other with every thrust, all the sounds mushing together into a song that only intensified the euphoric feeling that was bubbling and growing inside you by the second.

Your vision was fuzzy, your speech slurred and spotty. Watching you in the fucked out state made Lino go absolutley feral. He, somehow, began railing into you harder than before, each one more powerful than than the last. For a second,you could try to look down to watch the beautiful scene of his cock making its tight squeeze through your entrance. You saw his thigh muscles flexing and relaxing every so often, he was obviously trying to restrain himself.

“C-cum.” you speaked. You looked up at Minho’s blurred face,trying your best to hear the muffled words he began to utter to you. “You want my cum? Huh baby? You want my cum?

All you could do is nod frantically as a sly smirk spread across your lover’s chin.

“O-oh oh FUCK.” He said as warm spurts of his seed coated your insides. He didn’t pull out, he instead, just slowed down his thrust and leaned in to give your cheeks, lips, forehead, neck, basically any and every part of your body that he could reach without having to pull out of your heavenly pussy. You both just layed there, tangled in each other, as you both tried to calm down, lino still pumping inside of you every few moments, still finding little nooks and crannies of your body that he could softly pepper kisses on.

You both knew, this wouldn’t be the last time you will see eachother.

#kpop #skz smut #skz x reader #stray kids #stray kids smut #skz x female reader #skz imagines #skz scenarios #stray kids imagines #skz lino #stray kids lino #skz lee know #stray kids lee know #lee minho smut #lee know

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basu-shokikita · 3 months

Text

Dethentines 2024 Day 7

Will you be my Valentine?

Picture me arriving to the finish line wheezing and dying, 'cause that's me right now. I don't know why I thought that finishing the entries on the very same day of posting was a good idea but that's what ended up happening. Never again, hopefully.

Either way, here's my last entry for Dethentines, aka the one that matters the most because it's for Valentine's Day so I made an extra effort and you get a whooping +2k words for today. It's Skwistok, obviously, but the rest of Dethklok get a pretty decent amount of participation because I wanted to go out with a bang. Or try to.

Also, I'm linking to this song for no reason.

Thank you so much for organizing Dethentines this year! I had lots of fun and I'm happy to have managed to participate in all days ✨ See you around~

“And then we does the things like-” Skwisgaar made a high pitched noise. “Like-” He made an explosion sound. “You gets?”

“Right, like-” Nathan made a deep growling noise. “And then-” A boing-like noise followed. “And then some more…”

“Ja!” Skwisgaar nodded enthusiastically. It was really easy to talk about music with Nathan, it’s like they read each other’s minds somehow. “We has to…”

Suddenly, Toki walked into the living room. He stopped right when he saw the two of them. Skwisgaar raised a hand to wave at him, a reluctant smile on his face. However, Toki only frowned in response and left.

“Uh-oh.” Nathan watched Toki’s silhouette slowly get smaller. “What did you do?”

“Eugh…” Skwisgaar let his arm drop on the couch. “He ams mads abouts Vals and Tines days.”

“Valentine’s Day?” Nathan repeated in confusion.

“Ja, he askeds if I wanteds to spends wif hims. Goes ons a dates togethors…dats stuff…”

Nathan waited a moment and, when Skwisgaar didn’t continue, he asked. “And what did you say?”

Skwisgaar winced a little. “I says it was fuckings stupids and jackoffs things whats we donts needs.”

“Woah!” Nathan sat back in shock. “Woah, Skwisgaar!”

“Whats? We ams alreadies togethers sorts of, okeys?” Skwisgaar shrugged. “And Valentines ams dildos” He mumbled. “ I don’ts gets it.”

“Yeah, but Toki likes that shit, remember? He’s, uh…” Nathan struggled to find a word that wouldn’t be offensive. “...Different.”

“Pfft.” Skwisgaar snorted. “Differents ams rights.”

“Besides…” Nathan’s eyes wandered to the living room. “I don’t think it’s that weird to want to do all romantic shit when you’re in love. Love might not be cool at all, but it is pretty brutal.”

Skwisgaar pouted, unable to refute Nathan on that. Discovering his feelings for Toki had been a pretty brutal experience. “I guess you ams rights.”

“You gotta apologize to him, dude.”

“Eugh.” Skwisgaar looked up to the ceiling, unable to find reasons against.

–

They were having lunch and Toki was too busy finishing up his mountain of spaghetti to notice Skwisgaar had been staring at him for the past 5 minutes. It was late and there was nobody else in the kitchen but them. Well, besides the Klokateers.

Skwisgaar decided to make an attempt. “Toki?” He called him hesitantly.

Toki kept eating as if nothing had happened, slurping loudly and spreading cheese on the pasta like his life depended on it. Frankly, Skwisgaar wasn’t sure Toki had heard him or not.

“Toki?” He called him a second time.

Still nothing, Toki was gulping from his glass of water. “Mores, please!” He said, after slamming the glass on the table.

“Sire!” One Klokateer immediately appeared with a pitcher of water and filled Toki’s glass to the brim.

“Thank yous.” Toki said before he resumed eating.

“Tok-” Skwisgaar decided to cut the bullshit and sat on the seat next to Toki. There was a subtle acknowledgement, as Toki glanced to his side before returning his attention to his food. “Toki, listens.” Skwisgaar said, gently placing his hand on Toki’s arm.

Toki kept eating, completely unbothered.

Truth to be told, Skwisgaar wasn’t used to being this ignored, especially not by Toki, so he felt the discouragement in his gut. He cleared his throat. “Ams sorries about de other deis, okeis? I didn’ts…realize how imporkstants it ams was to yous, soes…”

“Dat was goods.” Toki said and Skwisgaar raised his eyes with expectation, but Toki was staring at his now empty dish and rubbing his belly.

He sighed. “Tokis, please, we can does what you wants. I won’ts complains, justs-”

Abruptly, Toki stood up and walked away without looking back. Skwisgaar buried his face in his hands in frustration.

He really fucked things up this time.

“Ye gotta mehk it up to him, dood.” Pickles suddenly spoke behind him and Skwisgaar almost did a somersault from shock.

“Eugh! Pickle!” He glanced at him, horrified. “Whens dids you get heres?”

Pickles grimaced like he was offended. “Dood, I’ve been here de whole time.”

“Huh…” Skwisgaar could not remember for the life of him seeing him here but , oh well. “Waits, what does you means makes it ups to him?” He squinted. “Whats does you knows?”

Pickles snorted, gesturing dismissively with one hand. “Nethan already told me ‘bout it. You broke Toki’s heart, didn’t ye?”

“Wells…” Skwisgaar winced. “I wouldn’ts…puts it like dats…”

“An apology just wahn’t do.” Pickles leaned into Skwisgaar’s ear. “Ye gotta surprise him yourself.”

“What?” Skwisgaar turned to him in horror. “You means…?”

Smirking, Pickles nodded slowly at him.

–

Skwisgaar looked at the door with preemptive regret. He was one second away from leaving and forgetting the whole thing. This was his dignity on the line now, nothing to joke about.

Toki’s face flashed in his mind and Skwisgaar closed his eyes in defeat. His breath hitched and his heart raced as he knocked on the door thrice.

It only took a few seconds for it to open, and behind it, a confused Murderface appeared. “Schkwisgaar? What do you want?”

“Is never thots I woulds says dis, Moidaface.” Skwisgaar was already short of breath. “But I needs yous helps.”

Murderface crossed his arms with a scowl. “Thisch better not be a prank.”

“I don’t has time for pranks.” Skwisgaar said as he made his way into Murderface’s room.

“Hey!”

Uncaring, he slammed the door behind him and Murderface gave him a stunned stare. “I needs yous helps now.”

Murderface looked him up and down, like he wasn’t sure what to make of Skwisgaar’s words. “Thisch ischn’t a gay thing, right?”

“Whats?” Skwisgaar was appalled. “N-well, it ams kinds of gays, actuallies.” He sighed. “You ams goods friends with Tokes, rights?”

“I guesch.” Murderface shrugged noncommittally which honestly irritated Skwisgaar but he decided to let it go.

“Does he, eugh…Does he talkeds about Valskentines with yous?”

“Oh,” Murderface rolled his eyes and turned around. “All the fucking time! Me and Schkwisgaar are going to do thisch! Me and Schkwisgaar are going do that! It’sch my firscht Valentinesch ever, Murderface! I’m scho exschited!” He made a disgusted noise. “Made me schick, really.”

The guilt piled up on the pit of Skwisgaar’s stomach. “Does you…remembers any specificks?”

“Uhh, he schaid it would be the firscht date ever for you guysch so he wanted to do everything…” He rested his back against his deck. “Firscht, have breakfascht in bed. Then, go to the petting szchoo to pet the catch. After that, walk in the park while holding handsch and eating…” He shuddered. “Hot dogsch. Then, planetarium vischit to look at the starchs. Then, go to the theater to watch a movie…and then dinner at a fanschy restaurant. He did schpare me the detailsch for the night after that, thank Chrischt.”

“Eugh…” Skwisgaar was impressed. “You shores remembers de hole thingks.”

“Well, he wouldn’t schut up about it!” Murderface defensively and opened the first drawer of his desk. “Look, he even made drawingsch of it!” At once, Murderface spread a bunch of drawings over the top of the desk.

One of the drawings had them petting cats, in another they were walking in the park with the hot dogs, looking at the stars, at a fancy restaurant…there were even some drawings of things Murderface hadn’t described, probably things Toki couldn’t fit into their schedule.

“Why does you has dese?” He asked.

Murderface blinked a couple of times before looking away. “We like drawing together, okay? And he alwaysch leavesch hisch drawingsch here. Idiot.”

“Rights.” Skwisgaar stood up. “I thinks I gots all I needs now, so I’m goingks-”

“Wait, what do I get in exchange?”

“Eugh…Toki’s unconskditionals loves?”

Murderface buffed. “Big deal.” Skwisgaar was walking to the other when he spoke again. “I know it’sch not any of my buschiness but…” Skwisgaar turned to look at him. “He kind of, really likesch you, scho…yeah.”

Unbelievable, even Murderface was lecturing him now. Skwisgaar couldn’t imagine sinking lower. “Rights. Thanks, Moidaface.”

“Whatever.”

Skwisgaar closed the door, a new determination finding its way inside him.

–

“Whats ams dis?” Toki asked, upon finding a letter next to his plate during breakfast. It was a bronze envelope with a blood red seal.

“Hm?” Pickles was stuffing oatmeal down his throat. “No idea, dood.”

Toki was skeptical, looking at Nathan and Murderface eat in silence. “Where ams Skwisgaar?”

Nathan, currently attacking a beef steak, replied. “Uhh, probably sleeping? Who knows. It’s Skwisgaar.”

Still not quite convinced, Toki ripped open the envelope and found a letter inside except there was nothing written in it. Just a red guitar vaguely shaped like a heart. “Alrights, who ams doings this? It amsnt funnies.” He asked with irritation. He wasn’t in the mood to get pranked on Valentine’s Day.

“It’sch probably schomething to do with playing the guitar.” Murderface blurted and the other two glared at him. “Or schomething.” He added to save face.

Toki squinted at his friends. “You guys amsnt collsudings togeders, ams you?”

“No.” All three of them said at the same time, which only made it more suspicious.

“We’re just eatin’ our breakfast here.” Pickles said.

“Yeah, why would we care about anything that ischn’t our breakfascht?”

“It’s not like today is a special day or anything.”

Toki got up from the table, unamused. He wasn’t going to bother with this, he would just get to the root of the problem and cut it off. Simple as that.

“Skwisgaar.” He knocked on his door. “Ams not in de moods for dis okays? Soes just-” The door opened with a creak, revealing an empty bedroom. Toki looked inside, intrigued and found lit red candles melting on the floor. Upon closer inspection, he realized they were skull shaped.

On the bed, there was a guitar made of red rose petals and a pile of Deaddy Bears in different brutal outfits laid in place of the pillows. The TV was showing ‘Love and Guts 4’ Toki’s favorite horror movie and, under it, there was a box of sugar-free chocolates with a note on them.

Meets me wheres we first kiss

Toki’s eyes widened upon reading. Did he mean….?

–

He couldn’t help it, he was supposed to be mad but he couldn’t help running towards the location, excitement drumming inside his chest. What was he expecting? What was going to happen? What had Skwisgaar planned?

When he reached the double-door, he found it only marginally open so he grabbed the knob to reveal the inside.

Skwisgaar was sitting on a stool inside Murderface’s closet, guitar in his hand. He seemed to have been caught off guard because he made a surprised noise when he saw Toki.

Toki tried to catch his breath. “Skwisga-”

Abruptly, Skwisgaar started playing the guitar. First the E, then the G sharp minor, then the C sharp minor, then the A. Then he played the whole sequence again.

“Does you wanna be mines girls-boyfriends…” He sang unsurely. “We’lls walks to the cemeteries and alls kiss you agains…And makes ours dead friends blushks…We ams getting marrieds right dere on de seens…” He inhaled shakily. “Does you wants to be mines best friends? Yous can drives me crazies alls over agains…And alls bores you death oooh, doesn’ts matters when we ams in love. Rights?” He smiled at a speechless Toki.

Then the guitar got heavier, but Skwisgaar’s eyes were still on Toki. “Does you wanna be mines boyfriends?” He continued. "Does you wanna be mine boyfriends? Does you wanna be mines- Does you wanna be mines?” He stood up and kept playing, now closing the distance between them as he finished up the song. When it ended, he had essentially backed Toki against the wall.

Skwisgaar’s expression softened, the confidence from playing was fading into reluctance. “Ams sorries about everythings, Toki. I didn’ts realize how impskortants dis was to yous. Lets me makes it up to yous. Is calleds reservations fors a restaurants and bookeds de movies and plansetariums, ands the pettings zoo has spots fors us and-” Impulsively, Toki locked their lips together and Skwisgaar lost the trail of his thoughts.

“It ams okay, Skwisgaar.” He said when he pulled away. “I just thoughts you didnts…” He shook his head, smiling. “Doesn’ts matters.” Giggling, he laced their fingers together. “Soes, boysfriend?”

Skwisgaar felt his face heat up from embarrassment. “Dats- Dats what de songs-” He stopped babbling and his face turned solemn instead. “Eugh, ja.” With a heavy swallow, he asked. “Does you wants to be mines boysfriends, Toki?”

Toki’s smile was like a thousand beams directed at once at Skwisgaar. “Ja, I wants to bes your boyfriend, Skwisgaar.”

Smiling back, Skwisgaar brought Toki closer to him. “Cans I kiss mines boyfriends now?”

“You cans.” Toki said, the happiness leaking from his face.

As they wrapped around each other, Skwisgaar felt only slightly bad for the mess they were about to do in Murderface’s closet.

But only slightly.

–

“Well, it sure sounds like they’re havin’ fun.” Pickles commented, ear to the closet door.

“Now who’sch gonna clean after them!” Murderface complained. “My closchet isch gonna be dischguschting!”

“Murderface, you don’t even clean your own room.” Nathan countered, already looking tired.

“Yeah, well, neither do you!”

“Yeah, ‘cause we’re fucking rich. Just call a Klokateer to get it done.”

“I guesch!”

The closet door banged so loudly that all three of them jolted.

“Okei!” Pickles clasped his hands together. “Who wants t' get wasted to feel less miserable on Valentine’s Day!”

“Me!” Nathan and Murderface replied in unison.

“Let’s leave the lovebirds, then.” Pickles made an example as he walked away from the closet and the two soon followed him.

“Fuck Valentine’sch Day!” Murderface said.

“Yeah, it’s capitalism brutality, and not the kind that benefits us.” Nathan agreed.

“It’s stoopid as hell, like whoa! I’m in love! Big deal!” Pickles threw his hands into the air.

“Yeah.”

“Totally.”

They smiled at each other. Seriously, fuck Valentine’s Day.

#dethentines #dethentines2024 #metalocalypse #skwistok #skwisgaar skwigelf #toki wartooth #pickles the drummer #william murderface #nathan explosion #valentines day #my writing #no beta we die like men etc

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jeridandridge · 5 months

Text

I Am King

This is a little different.. I hope you all like it. 🩷

King Florence + the machine

Melissa Schemmenti isn’t an impulsive person. Okay well, maybe she is. She did have to go to court for an impulsive punch one time but the guy had it coming. But when it comes to her body, she’s thought about this next step.

Driving to her appointment her heart thuds hard against her ribcage in excitement, the bass of the song she’s listened to on repeat for over a year. The words put a fire under her to do better for herself, not because she needs to be in a relationship, but because she feels ready. Finally.

We argue in the kitchen about whether to have children

And about the world ending, and the scale of my ambition

And how much is art really worth

The very thing you're best at is the thing that hurts the most

When she was younger she had thought about getting a tattoo until Joe talked her out of it, telling her it wasn’t ladylike. It was a petty argument, and one she did not care to have towards the end of her marriage.

But you need your rotten heart

Your dazzling pain like diamond rings

You need to go to war to find material to sing

I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king

Having a man like Joe try to police her body was never good for her mental health, god help anyone that tries to do that now. Pulling up to the tattoo shop she takes a deep breath looking at the sign and the welcoming light blue color on the window.

“Okay, you’re doing this.” She breathes out grabbing her purse getting out of the car. Inside the shop the walls are a welcoming light blue and each artist section is divided into a cubical. With classic rock playing through the speakers Melissa relaxes a bit as a young woman comes to the counter.

“Hey! You must be Melissa.” The stranger smiles at the redhead. “Ava told me what we’re doing today, come on back.”

As Melissa follows the woman back, she makes a mental note to kick Ava’s ass. She left out that the tattoo artist was hot. Incredibly hot. So much so that as Melissa fills out the proper paperwork and the woman sets up the station with all sterile materials, she gets lost looking at the art on the walls, the one that catches her eye the most is a painting of a nude woman, curvy and sat sideways looking out a window.

“That’s one of my older paintings,” the artists smiles, looking up from her station for a moment.

“Yeah? It’s gorgeous, the gold frame is perfect with it.” Melissa smiles admiring the work, curious as to who the model was.

“I’ve been meaning to take it down, reminders of exes, ya know?” The artist chuckles.

This catches Melissa’s attention. She was doing something as a reminder of her ex, but instead of a painful reminder it’ll be a powerful one. She was in control now.

“Alright, Melissa, here are the designs I came up with after your consultation email, all different sizes, we can play around with them as much as you want until it’s exactly how you want it.” She smiles.

Looking over the three simple words Melissa smiles, willing herself to hold the tears back. “This one.” She points.

“Perfect!” The young woman beams.

As Melissa’s walked through the process of how it’ll go and the stencil is put on, the words play over and over in her head even as she lifts her shirt up and rests her arm over her head, ready for the tattoo.

Feeling a warm gloved finger put the gel on the stencil, she stays completely still.

“Ready to rock n roll?” She smiles.

“Party on,” Melissa chuckles nervously, licking her lips.

The buzz of the machine sounds and Melissa feels strong fingers stretch the skin on her side just beneath her breast.

“Take a deep breath for me,” the artist instructs.

Melissa closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it out when she feels the sharp scratch of the machine.

“Good girl.”

The redheads eyes snap open at the words used. She knows it probably doesn’t mean anything coming from the woman, but god did it sound nice coming from someone like her.

The tattoo doesn’t hurt much just like Melissa thought, and when it’s done she pulls her arm back slightly to meet the woman’s eyes as she cleans up the tattoo.

“Alright, Melissa, that’s it! Your first tattoo.” She smiles. “Check it out in the mirror, then I’ll bandage you up and walk you through the aftercare instructions.”

Carefully getting up off the chair Melissa gets up looking at her now inked skin, the three words giving her a confidence boost she’ll always be able to feel now. “Thanks, hon. This is amazing.”

The artist smiles, leaning forward to carefully put the clear bandage over the ink. Her fingers are soft and warm, and she smells amazing this close Melissa thinks.

The three words go through her head once more. She’s her own person.

At the front of the shop Melissa pays for her tattoo and tips generously leaning against the counter.

“So, hon, if I have any questions about taking this bandage off or anything like that can I call the shop and ask to talk to you?” She asks with a shrug and pursed lips.

The artist matches her smile quirking a brow. “You could, but if it’s easier for you, just text me or give me a call.” She says grabbing a business card from the counter writing her number on the back of it. “Anything you need, Melissa,” she shrugs, “let me know.”

Melissa takes the card with a smile tucking it safely into her purse to be used later on.

“Thanks again, hon. I’m sure you’ll hear from me soon.” She smiles slinging her bag onto her shoulder.

The artist smiles and sends her a wink. “Looking forward to it.”

Melissa leaves the shop with a pep in her step, even more so when she gets to her car and sees a text from Ava asking how it went with her friend. She laughs, shaking her head with a smile as her music starts to play again.

But a woman is a changeling, always shifting shape

Just when you think you have it figured out

Something new begins to take

What strange claws are these scratching at my skin?

I never knew my killer would be coming from within

I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king

I am no mother, I am no bride,

I am king.

#king is Melissa’s song I don’t make the rules #changed up the style a bit #Florence Welch I love you #tv #abbott elementary #lisa ann walter #Melissa Schemmenti #Melissa Schemmenti x reader #if you squint

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soap143 · 5 months

Text

Say please?

Lee!Felix

Ler!Chan

——————————————————————

Last night, Felix went to bed early in hopes of killing that horrible lee mood that he had just gotten. However, when he woke up, not only was the lee mood not gone but it had gotten much worse.

Today was supposed to be a pretty busy day, so the long haired boy hoped that all that work would help him forget the feeling. After having a quick breakfast, him and his bandmates headed to dance pratice, where they practiced their new choreography for a couple hours. While he was working on a specific move, Lee Know had walked up to him, trying to correct him by gripping his sides in an attempt to show him in which direction his hips should be facing. But that didn’t quite turn out the way it was supposed to… Felix was pretty ticklish and combined with his mood, he almost crumbled to the ground, even if he knew that the cat boy had no intentions in tickling him.

But it didn’t stop there. He was in the studio, recording some songs for their new comeback. It felt like he had repeated the same lines 100 times, but he still just couldn’t get them quite right. He started groaning and stomping around like a child, when he heard Chan’s voice through his headphones “Felix, if you don’t get these line one more time, I swear I will tickle you to tears~!” Chan was obviously joking around, but it still left blushing and fantasizing about it.

When all of their work of the day was done, it was almost 9;00 pm. Once everyone arrived back into their dorms, Felix ran into the bathroom to shower first. After a relaxing warm shower, he wrapped himself in a soft towel, only to realise that he hadn’t grabbed any clean clothes. It didn’t really matter anyway though, because it’s like they would see anything new (i am pretty sure they’ve seen eachother naked more than one time). So, he just walked to his room with only a towel wraped around his waist. As he entered his room, he was ready to take off the towel covering him, but then he heard a voice, scaring him to death “Don’t get undressed Yongbok! I’m in here, you know? Disgusting!” “BANG CHRISTOPHER CHAN! Do you know how much you scared me?!” His australian brother just giggled “Atleast put on some underwear or something before I talk to you… I won’t look!” Chan said as he turned his head the other way. Felix just groaned and went over to his closet to get some boxers and shorts. “Now that you’re dressed a bit more appropriately I can talk to you” “Shut up! (imagine this with a heavy australian accent) “Ok so, I see how jumpy and giggly you were all day. Are you perhaps in a lee mood?” what. How could Chan possibly know what that even is?! Felix couldn’t help but get all red and flustered “W-what is that…” “A what? A lee mood? You probably wonder how I found out? Haven’t you seen it? Your tumblr account got leaked! I didn’t even know that app existed until news came out and it was so surprising because…” Oh. My. God. His tumblr account got what now? He didn’t even post anything on there! This must be the most embarassing thing ever! He was sure he was so red by now… “Hello? Are you even listening to me?” “W-what? How?!” “Ihihi’m just kidding, it hasn’t been leaked, I just found it myself…” “You don’t even know if it was me!” “Oh, please, you leave your phone unlocked far too often” “I don’t! I just told you my password because I trusted you. Obviously I don’t anymore…” “Oh please Lix, I’m not mad or disgusted or whatever, I just want to help you” “W-with what?” “Are you stupid on purpose? Your l-e-e mood!” the chick didn’t even want to know how red he was… “I-I’m not in whatever mood that is” Felix angrily said, turning away from his hyung. He thought that Chan would leave the subject and go do his own thing, but, as he was choosing what shirt to wear, the kangaroo walked up behind him and picked him up by grabbing Lixxie by the waist and carried him to the bed “Dour nourt(it’s like do not but with an aussie accent) try to even deny it, mate” Felix just gulped and anticipated the lers next moves “Well?” Chan asked, laying the boy down onto his bed and sitting on his hips “…Well w- what?” Felix had his eyes wide open, scanning his hyung’s body, registering every single move that he might be able of predicting “Are you being stupid on purpose? Well, are you going to admit it or should I force it out of you?” the blonde(i forgor if his hair is actually blonde atm) haired boy gulped, looking away from the threatining gaze. Chan wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just playing around, not actually trying to scare the younger.

This is killing me! If only Chan knew…

But Chan did know, Yongbok was just in deep denial. Not like he would admit it, but Felix was unknowingly trying to get his bandmate to discover his precious secret. Before, he would even delete the app when he was simply around Chan or just the group, but, as time passed, he started to even leave the app oppened and would sometimes use it around them. Chris knew.

“Alright, alright, I won’t torture for any longer, but I’ll atleast give you 3 more seconds to speak before I start” “Speak about wha-“ “One..!” “Wait, Channie Hyu-“ “Two…!” “CHAN WAHAHAIT-“ “Three! Too bad you didn’t get to say much, Lix…” Without a warning, Chan dug into the lee’s sides “CHAHAHAHAHAN WAHAHAHAIT WAHA- PLEHEHAHAHSEHE” His hysterical laughter only amused the older, leaving him hungry for more giggles “Aww, but we’ve just started! Plus, didn’t you want this? There’s no time to wait~” Felix’s lee mood, ticklishness and Chan’s teasing all combined left the poor boy squirming and jerking around, trying his best to stop his arms from disturbing the tickler “ANOHOHOHOHOTHER SPOHOHOHOHOT PLEHEHEHEHEHEAHASE! CHAHAHAHAN!” “Oh? Wreck another spot at the same time aswell? Why didn’t you just ask?” When Chan looked up to see his friend’s face, he was met with a pinkish-redish laughing mess. The blush had ran down from his ears to his cheek and was slowly leaking onto his neck. Cute. The fact that ge was probably enjoying this made the process even more fun and cute “Felix, do you know what my favourite berry is? Except from my own, of course” The kangaroo slowed down his attack to let the younger speak “I dohohon’t know and don’t wanna kn-OHOHOHOHO GAHAHAHAHAHA CHAHAHAN!” Lix’s deep belly laugher soon was escaping his throat as Chan pressed his lips onto the victim’s side and blew a big raspberry. But Chan wouldn’t stay in one spot for long, he kept on switching between his stomach, sides and V line, sometimes going up to his ribs. At this point Felix felt like he could not keep his arms away from his attacker, he just wasn’t able of taking so many rough tickles in all of his worst spots “CH-CHAHAHAHAHAN! MIHIHSTER BAHAHAHAHANG! PLEHEHEASE PLEHEHEHEHASE ANOHOHOTHER SPO- SPOHOHOHOHOHT!” When Felix begged like that, Chan felt obligated to oblige “Fine~ But you have to choose what spot, because it’s just too hard to pick one myself” the ler sheepishly smiled, turning his gaze back onto his aussie soulmate. Felix took too long to recolect himself and answer, or maybe he just had nothing to say “Alright, you’re taking your time on purpose~ I know it’s hard to choose one place when you’re too damn ticklish everywhere…” Chan shook his head side to side, resembling dissapointment. Felix just blushed and looked away, too flustered to speak “I’m not going to do anything if you stay quiet. Don’t worry, we have plenty of time, I can wait” Chan looked down, mischievously smiling, knowing that this was killing the younger “You’re so anohohoying, just do it!” “Say please…?” Felix bit the inside of his cheecks, feeling his stomach do front and backflip at the same time. The anticipation was eating him alive, so, knowing that his very much awaited award was one word away, gave him a sudden burst of confidence “PLEASE BANG CHRISTOPHER CHAN T-TICKLE ME!” said man flinched, almost jumping away from his victim “Well, if you say so~” He teasingly placed his palms onto his sides and slowly pressed his fingers onto the lee’s tender skin. Felix looked down, processing and trying to predict his ler’s future moves. His eyes moved up and down onto Chan’s face and back to his hands, dreading every second that passed. Chan on the other hand found the younger’s torture rather amusing.

To Felix’s surprise, Chan got inpatient aswell, digging his fingers into the poor boy’s sides “OHOHOHOHOHOHO GOOHOD CHAHAHAN PL-PLEHEHEASE!” Yongbok started begging alomost immediately “Wait, didn’t I already tickle your sides?” “YEHEHEHEHS!” “Why didn’t you tell me?! I just waisted so much precious time when I could’ve been-“ “CH-CHAHAHAHAHN STOHOHOP TEHEHEHEASING!” said man just smiled, moving his torturous moves down to his victim’s legs and pressed his fingers deep into the muscle making Felix agressively flinch to the side “AHAHAHAHAHAHA HYUHUHUHUHUNG” “What is it, Felix?” “WAHAHAHAHAIT WHAHAHT JUHUHST AHAHA SEHEHECOND PLEHEHEASE!!” Chan was ruthless, but not cruel, so, per the sunshine’s request, he stopped his quick fingers “What is it?” Words could not express how worried he was after he checked the state of his bandmate — not only were his face,neck and ears beet red, but also his whole upper body. Chan watched with horror in his eyes, afraid he might have crossed a couple lines “I- I” Felix was still catching his breath “I want to t-tickle me harder” he said, completely exhausted. The kangaroo glanced at him with an eyebrow raised “I would agree, but Felix, I think you’re too tired for that…” “NO Chan I promise I-Ihi’m not tired a-“ Felix cut himself of by falling alseep. Chris looked at him with heart eyes, simply adoring the sigh that he had just witnessed.

The elder picked up the long haired boy up and carefully laid him down properly and tucked him into his bed. He made sure to not forget his younger brother’s speacial request to completely satisfy his mood the next morning…

——————————————————————

Hey, sorry for not updating in so long! This fic has been in my drafts for a long time and I’ve finnaly finished it. I hope you enjoyed

#tickle #rough tickles #stray kids #bang chan #ler!chan #lee felix #!lee felix #chanlix #skz tickle #sfw tickle community #tickle community #kpop tickle

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kashimos-hajime · 1 year

Text

—𝟐𝟐 - 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 | 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲, 𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮

pairing: getou suguru x fem!reader

summary: anonymous musician, kogane, had been dropping non-hints of who they were since they first began releasing music to the students of tokyo metropolitan technical college nine months ago to the frustration of everyone ever.

getou suguru, long-time (arguably #1) fan and campus heartthrob with a reputation is determined to find out exactly who they are before he graduates, and he has no idea where to start. that is, until resident idiot and best friend and roommate, gojo satoru, points him in the direction of you, the musical genius behind kogane

word count: 11.3k

a/n: hey yall!! i’m here with one of the most important chapters of the series. for reference for the song that *spoiler* suguru and y/n dance to, it is house of cards - full length by bts. i recommend you search up the translation of the lyrics if you do give it a listen because it has a lot of foreshadowing (also it’s a certified banger)

[9:30 AM]

You get up with a sense of trepidation.

You spent all of last night picking out what to wear, and making sure you had everything you’d need so you wouldn’t rush in the morning, and as you leave the apartment while Maki still asleep, you can’t help feeling like your stomach’s about to spill out of your body.

A date. Your first… real date in a long time. Are you insane? As you check your reflection in your phone camera, you can’t help but scrutinize every aspect of your face. Every imperfection. What is going on through his head? What… what made him suddenly ask you out?

No. He might not even have meant it like that, you tell yourself firmly, turning off your phone screen and slipping it back into your pocket. Despite what your friends said, you have to keep a sane head about you. Not to mention, all that talk about Sukuna…

There’s no space for him in your head today of all days, and you firmly try to shut down that thought before it can branch any further.

He’s waiting in front of the building, looking around, and the way your entire body seems to lunge forward at the sight of him makes you burn in embarrassment. He’s dressed in sweats and a hoodie, a windbreaker pulled over that, and his gym bag is slung across his body, but he looks handsome as always, and he lights up when he spots you coming over.

Your heart cramps in your chest.

“Good morning. Sorry if it’s too early,” is the first thing Suguru says as you approach him.

“If it was too early, I would’ve came later. I need to get work done anyway.” You push your glasses up your face, and fish out your student card from your pocket. It’s attached to a lanyard, and you loop your wrist through it. “I need to stop by the recording studio first really quickly before we head to where you needa go.”

“Yeah, sure.” They walk to the door, and you scan your card so they can head in as he adds casually, “You look nice.”

Your ears warm. “What?”

“You look nice,” he repeats. “I like your cardigan.” You look over at him just as there’s a beep, but he’s already moving to hold open the door and he sweeps his arm, gesturing for you to go in first. “After you.”

“Uh. Thanks.” Maybe it’s the memories of the last time you’d seen him flashing in your head, but your entire mouth blazes and you duck your head to walk in first, leading the way.

The building’s pretty confusing if you’re a newcomer, but it’s one of the most comfortable places you’ve ever been in. Equipped with many rooms for recording music, practicing instruments, rehearsing for dance, it’s a place where many of those majoring in such studies have to be in for up to twelve hours a day. Your work space is the third floor, and Suguru follows close, just a half-step behind.

In the elevator, you glance up at the numbers.

“How’re you and Mina?” you ask as nonchalantly as you can. “You said you guys weren’t friends?”

“I stopped seeing her,” he answers. “Just not interested anymore.”

“She got boring?” You frown, surprised. It’s harsh of you to say, but Suguru’s been seen hanging onto her since the party. You’d thought that whatever had occurred to him was nothing more than water under the bridge and she was… she’s prettier than you, and bubblier. Very kind. Friendly. Hard to find someone like her boring.

Suguru shrugs. “No. She just wasn’t my type.”

“She’s not your type? But she’s beautiful and really nice, too.”

“So?”

“Well, if that isn’t your type, I don’t know what is.” The doors open and you walk ahead. He trails after you after a beat, and your mind wracks for what could possibly be the reason Suguru decided to drop someone like Mina so suddenly. Not interested in dating? Then why was he with her for the past week? And he hadn’t denied the rumours surrounding him earlier when you had asked him before yesterday.

Men are so fucking confusing.

You shake your head.

The studio you’ve unofficially designated as yours as one of the senior music students is the one closest to the lounge room that houses a small kitchen unit, big couches, and even a TV that is hoisted onto a wall.

You explain, briefly, about the lounge: “There’s even a gaming system that someone donated a few years back.” Unlocking the door to the lounge for him, you turn to Suguru with a faint smile. “You can wait here,” you tell him. “I just needa grab something next door.”

“I can’t come with?” he asks and you shake your head. “Why not?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Surprise?”

A track that you’d been crafting for a while that you want to upload later in the year, but you’re not about to tell him that so you just smile. “Mhm.” Suguru pouts playfully, and you shove him into the room, promising you’ll be back soon. “I’m sure you can entertain yourself. I’ll just be next door.”

“But I wanna see your studio.”

“You’ve seen it before.”

“I know, but it’s been a while.”

“Suguru.”

“I missed you,” he sniffs, nose scrunching and a playfully childish expression on his face. You roll your eyes, and he inches closer, as if to walk past you towards your studio himself. You grab his arm, and he grins toothily. “I want to spend time with you, (Name).”

“Can’t you last two seconds without me?”

“I think I’ll die,” he affirms, and you can’t help your own foolish smile. He tilts his head, catching it, but you merely turn away, taking the arm you’ve grabbed and throwing it towards the lounge door. “Wait—“

“Stay put, baby,” you drawl, and his eyes widen. Ears beginning to pink, he opens his mouth to argue but you simply shove him deeper into the room and close the door on him.

Scampering to your studio, you swipe your card and slip in. Taking your laptop out of your bag, you hook it up and begin to transfer a file you wanted to insert into the track. It’s a pretty old audio, from a recording of when you were a new student on campus, and now that you’re in your last year, you thought it would be right ro release a graduation song. A last farewell. It includes your voice back then, too, and you cringe at your own singing as you listen to it playback through headphones you shove onto one ear.

As soon as it’s done, you click through to make sure it transferred properly before sighing and unhooking everything. You try to keep your school laptop pretty empty, consisting of only new works in progress and other school files, which means all your music on the side has been shoved into USBs scattered across everywhere you live, other computers. One day, you’ll be glad that you can strip this laptop bare and have it focused solely on producing your tracks and not stress out about anything else.

You slip your laptop back into your bag and head out, migrating back to the lounge room. Inside, Suguru’s laying on the couch, his legs draped over the back of it as he scrolls on his phone, but at the sound of the door opening, his eyes dart up to meet yours.

“Look who came crawling back,” he teases, drawing himself up, and you shake your head, moving to check on the fridge. There’s a lot in here surprisingly, but you think a lot of it comes from people working at restaurants and them bringing their leftovers when they can. You sigh, rifling through it to make sure nothing’s spoiled. It stinks up the entire floor if someone’s not on top of it so most of the senior students keep up to date on the inside. “Woah, you got a lot of food in here.”

You jump, head snapping to the sound, and you jerk back when you find Suguru’s face mere inches away from yours. Heat flashes across your face as you straighten up, backing up. He observes you quietly through squinted eyes, and then he leans over the fridge door that barricades them from each other, smirking. “Did I scare you?”

“The food is for all-nighters. Need coffee and food to stay awake when you’re working at 3 AM,” you manage to say, pulling away from him as quick as you can without it being weird. Dark eyes bore into yours, and you reach to close the fridge. It seals itself shut and suddenly there’s nothing between their bodies. For some reason, it makes you feel very vulnerable. “And no. You didn’t scare me.”

He clicks his tongue with a wry side smile. “Tch. Dang.”

Running a thumb underneath the shoulder strap of your laptop bag, you begin to walk away. “You’re annoying.”

“And yet, you keep me around.” He follows.

You’ve only been to the uni’s dance studios once or twice, but Suguru leads you to one you’ve never been in before. It’s on the top most floor, and has a good view of the rest of the campus. When they go inside, the blinds are down, but Suguru tells you to make yourself at home and heads to pull them up, revealing so much sunlight pouring into the room it makes you squint. One wall is all mirrors to the left of the windows, and on the right are ballet barres, which you situate yourself under so you’re near the center back of the room.

“You comfy there, baby?” he calls, and you look up on instinct, nodding before registering what he called you and you look down, pulling your laptop out hastily. He walks back over to you, sliding forward onto his knees with a hand planted on the ground and his leg bumps into yours as he flashes you a smile. “If you get hungry or anything, tell me. We can stop whenever.”

“Okay. But you’re working on something, too, right?”

“Mhm.”

“What is it?”

“Just workshopping some things,” he answers. “I hope you don’t mind me playing music.”

“I got my headphones,” you reply, pulling them out. He tilts his head, eyes flickering to it, before back up to you, and you blink, brow furrowing at the soft smile that flits across his face. He sighs, sets a hand on your head and pushes himself off.

“You’re cute,” he mutters, shaking his head. You scowl but he’s already turning his back, and you’ve lost your chance to spit something out in retort.

This is so weird.

Is this a date or not?

It certainly doesn’t feel like one. They haven’t seen each other in a few days, but it feels just like it did when they hung out before. The heat, the way you feel so self-conscious around him. He gets close to you, and something in you wants to freak out but you can’t even fucking tell if you want to freak out in a good way or a bad way, and then he’s gone and the entire opportunity has melted away.

Suguru’s got rid of his jacket and hoodie in favour of a loose white tee, and now that he’s just in socks, he begins to roll down his body, stretching and slowly warming up with a lo-fi music playlist that you’ve just noticed beginning to play. His eyes are closed so he can’t see you looking, but when he lifts his arms up above your head, a flash of skin makes you avert your gaze.

You should not be staring.

Firmly placing your headphones on, you open your audio mixing program and bury yourself into the work. The sunlight warms your skin pleasantly, and you begin to forget where you are, finding a comfortable slouch as your mind begins to run like an engine humming, searching for new nooks and crannies in the score that you can fit or adjust another aspect of the instrumental. You haven’t finalized lyrics or anything, but there’s a certain sound that’s missing, and you’re not sure what it is.

It’ll have to be saved for later. You can never be satisfied with what you make. It’s probably one of the worst aspects of being a perfectionist, you think. You can’t let loose ends be. It’ll dog at you until you force yourself to give it up, but until then, you’ll keep trying to craft the perfect goodbye.

Replaying a segment of the bridge, you adjust your legs, stretching them out in front of you and resting your computer in your lap. Your eyes glance to the top right corner to check on the battery, and you roll your neck under a palm as you fish out your charger from your bag blindly. Fingers wrapping around the looped cord, you look up.

And what catches your eye makes your entire body freeze, soften, melt. Your eyes widen as you watch Suguru dance. He’s beautiful as he moves, his hair unbound, his body a singular flowing being that pushes and pulls with the pulse of sound. Your heart lurches into your throat as you dumbly slide the headphones off your ears just to hear what he’s hearing.

You’ve seen him dance before—of course, you have at year-end festivals and other presentations. In short bursts when they were talking about the project. It’s not an unknown fact that Suguru is one of the most talented dancers in the program.

But there’s something different here. It doesn’t feel like a performance, more it’s like you’re watching something you’re not sure you should be seeing.

The purest expression of human emotion in the way his body is impacted by each note, Suguru bleeds something… vulnerable. Something raw. It’s a pain that echoes and your legs twitch, as if you want to join him, and it takes all your impulse control to stay down.

You’ve never been so close to Suguru while he was immersed fully in his choreography, and when his feet shift, when his arms stretch into those languid lines that are honed with practice, you can’t help but feel something swell in your chest. It hoists the two broken halves of your heart like a balloon, and mends the sharp edges with soft, buttery rubber that wanes under the grace of his pirouette.

You feel soft, and warm, and cherished as you observe art. You don’t know if this is how other people feel when they watch him dance, but this is how you feel. It might be because you have feelings for him, or maybe it’s the way his eyes are barely open, letting his instinct guide him, letting his heart lead his body to extend into the most beautiful lines, but in the sunlight pouring through the wide, tall windows, you are sure that Suguru’s pale golden figure swaying to the song pouring from the speakers is as close to an angel as you will ever get.

The song begins to climax, and Suguru prepares himself for a sharp spin. Your breath hitches and the world begins to slow as he pushes off his foot. Leg out to the side, he begins to pull it in with a control you can’t even fathom. As he turns faster and faster, though, his balance falters, and he stumbles out of the turn four rotations in.

Collapsing to his knees, Suguru lets out a frustrated noise, and he rolls out and lands spread-eagle on his back. He slaps his hand on the floor before it curls into a tight fist, and he throws an arm over his eyes. When the track completely finishes, he flips himself onto his hands and knees, and pushes himself up to his feet again, eyes dark and a displeased scowl plastered across his mouth. It’s so dark it nearly takes you aback, but you know exactly the feeling.

“I like the song,” you offer quietly as the music starts again from the beginning of the track. Suguru’s gaze snaps to you, and you meet his stare head on, offering a half-smile and a shrug. The tension in his face melts away, and the corner of his lip pulls up. Using the bottom of his tee to wipe the sweat from his face, he sighs, and turns around, staring at himself in the mirror and letting his arms swing out, shaking the excess tension out. “You’re a beautiful dancer, Suguru.”

“Thanks. If I could get this turn, maybe I’d be even better,” he adds the latter in a softer, more venomous tone, and you shake your head.

“It looks difficult.”

“I guess.” He shakes his head and sets himself into the prep stance for the turn again. His shoulders square off, and he shifts his weight testily on his back foot. Arms out, he stares at his own reflection, and he’s about to go when he drops his limbs, turning around to look at you. “Don’t watch me.”

“Why?”

“It makes me nervous.”

You can’t help but laugh. “Me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because when pretty girls watch me, I get shy,” he drawls, hands on his hips. His tee sleeves have been folded up as a make-shift tank top, and his posture’s slouched as he cocks his head, still catching his breath. He wipes at his nose with the back of his hand. “Turn around, (Name).”

“I literally will not do that,” you reply. “Staring at the wall is stupid.”

“For me?”

“What on earth makes you think that would make me change my mind?”

He sighs dramatically, and you can’t help your smile growing as he turns back around. You return your focus to your laptop, but watch through your eyelashes as he sets himself into his prep stance once more. One attempt. Two. Four.

You can’t tell if it’s getting better or worse. You have no expert eye, but when Suguru falls onto his back and runs a hand raggedly through his sweaty hair, pulling on the ends, you know for sure that he isn’t feeling his best. You sigh, putting all your stuff down and getting up. He doesn’t raise his head at the sound, and your heart swells in sympathy at the fierce scowl twists his face.

Descending to your knees, your lips press together, and he tilts his head towards you. An arm has been tossed over his eyes again, and he lifts it a bit higher when he realizes you’re so close.

“This is embarrassing,” he admits. “I wanted to impress you with how unbearably talented I was at dancing, but I’ve been stuck on this part of my routine for weeks. To be honest, I thought the extra motivation would help.”

“Perfectionist,” you mutter, surprisingly fond. His face softens, and you help him sit up. He shakes his head, and you let your hand rest on his elbow as he hunches over, sighing. “Maybe you’re in a rut because you’re so focused on it.”

“You think?”

“Mmm, that’s how I feel when I compose something. If there’s sections that aren’t connecting the way I want, I just keep working and go back to it.” Sitting back on your calves, you shrug. “I get frustrated really easily, but I have a pride thing about it, so it’s been a hard road of figuring out that giving your brain a break actually helps see the solution clearer.”

You feel cold compared to the heat radiating off of him. When he offers a hand, you let go of his elbow to take it, and together, they stand. Your heart is pulsing at a mellow pace, but it oozes warm honey everywhere through your body, and it makes your limbs feel lethargic. Your mouth opens, and you wonder what you would’ve said, but Suguru merely grins and it silences you.

“You always know what to say, huh.”

“I’ve been freaking out about a lot of things long before I met you,” you answer, and he laughs. Suguru squeezes your hand before letting go and heading to where his phone is hooked up and you grab your fingers, the tingling that buzzes over your skin making you uncomfortable in your own skin. “What are you doing now?”

Pausing the music, he scrolls on his phone, and you’re about to head over, curiosity piqued, but he holds out a hand, concentration overtaking his features.

“Hold on one second… trying to find it, ah—here it is.”

He presses play and piano begins to flow through the speakers before a strong, hearty string accompaniment joins the instrumental, and Suguru begins to saunter over to you as vocals kick in. You barely hide your smile at the over-exaggerated way he bends his knees as he swaggers over, his body swaying like a piece of silk flowing through wind.

“What are you doing?”

“Convincing you to dance with me with my uncontrollable appeal.”

You laugh. “You’re doing a terrible job of doing it.”

“Am I?” He finally arrives within arms length, and his fingers reach for your forearms, trailing down to your wrists. Leaving trails of cold fire that cause your spine to shudder, you let him pull you into him, and you shake your head as he guides your hand onto his shoulder. His other hand clasps yours in a firm grip you can easily slip out of, and his eyes are on yours the whole time, gauging for any sort of discomfort that could flicker across your face.

His concern is touching, but you can’t imagine even deciding to run now as his arm tentatively rests on your waist. You step closer, and his Adam’s apple bobs. A tiny nod to himself, Suguru adjusts his feet, shifting his weight in a easy, simple move to the music.

“Maybe you’re not so bad,” you admit, tilting your head. Your hand on his shoulder runs down the curve of it, and you watch the sun hit his smooth face that’s not lost its pink tinge ever since you’ve come close to him. “You know how to lead.”

“I’m an excellent dance partner,” he informs you, and you roll your eyes.

“Don’t let me convince you otherwise.”

You have never danced with someone like his before. It’s completely out of your comfort zone to be this close with someone who you aren’t already close with, but Suguru tells no lie in regards to his passion for dancing. You can’t deny you don’t feel out of place as Suguru turns them around the room to the beat as the music begins to pick up in the chorus.

His feet are placed smoothly, and he guides you without you needing to glance around, but you’re not quite sure you could’ve looked away from his dark eyes either way. Dark, affectionate, his watchful gaze does not stray from your face for a moment. Hair nearly falls into his eyes, but every time, you brush it back behind his ear, and he smiles when you touch his face—not a full smile, but that one he does that pulls at the corner of his mouth teasingly. Like a secret shared between two people. A secret between the sun and the moon.

He lifts his hand to turn you a few times, and he always catches you as they disappear in between the violin, the sound of the singers breathing through their notes in heavenly harmonies, the consistent pattern of piano chords that you can hear as clear as you can feel your blood in your ears.

Music is your life. You can’t deny it. That, and the intrinsic link it has to dancing. The expressions of the soul. Oh… Suguru. You cannot help but think of the poeticism of it. The romance of it all. Your rose-tinted glasses shift, catch the sunlight, and you can’t help your smile grow bigger as the music begins to fade. You and Suguru still step to their own tune that’s been strung into their bodies, and as he guides you into another spin, you realize then that you trust him entirely.

You trust Suguru not to drop you—or, at least, to break your landing when you fall for him.

Whether it’s to reciprocate your feelings, though you doubt it, you know that through everything he says, everything he does… he cares about you. You’re not stupid enough to deny that he has some sort of affection for you, and that he only has your best intentions, and you have to tell him. You have to tell him everything. Sukuna. Your feelings. Everything. It bottles up inside you, shakes so suddenly like a boiling kettle, that you think you might explode.

He stops your turn, and their fingers find each other easily this time, interlacing. Suguru’s smiling at you, and you lift your hand from his shoulder to brush a few stray strands back away from his face. He turns his face into your knuckles, and you poke his brow, pushing him back.

“You’re so clingy,” you mumble, secretly pleased, and he laughs. Nerves twist your stomach as you let your hand return to his shoulder. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I missed you. We haven’t spoken at all in person this week since the party.” His hand on your waist does not let go, and you let go of his hand in favour of draping your arms over his shoulders lazily. His free palm settles on your other side and they toddle, sway to a panel of sunlight where it’s warm. Suguru hums, slowly stopping their rocking rhythm so they can just stand in the golden beam. “You’re a good follower. If you were in our program, so many people would want to partner up with you.”

“It’s not hard to be a follower. The lead does all the work.”

“That’s not true,” he corrects. “It’s hard to let go of control and trust someone like that, especially people you don’t know that well. The lead has to know where they’re going most of the time and physically hold up their partner, true, but the follower has to let themself flow with the lead. If they resist, it makes everything impossible. They support the lead just as much as the lead supports them.”

“But I do know you. That’s why I trust you,” you reply. “If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t even let them touch me.”

“Hah. Now, that, I have some experience in.”

“So, you’re happy that I’m letting you so close to me, now?” Something playfully malevolent possesses your tongue and you nearly regret your next words as they fly out: “Nanami wasn’t this close to me at the Halloween party, if you’re still keeping score.”

He groans. “Don’t bring up my stupid lapse of judgement, (Name).”

“I think I’ll bring it up as much as I’d like,” you retort, grinning. “You got so jealous over nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing. He likes you and you guys spent nearly the whole night together.”

“Well, whose fault was that? I wanted to spend time with you, but you decided to be all grumpy, but don’t worry, I haven’t seen him since.” You narrow your eyes at him. “Are you jealous again? He barely even exists to me.”

“I know, but—“

Exasperated, you shake your head. “Suguru. Why do you care so much? And I know I asked you this before, but… but Nanami’s not here. He’s not even—I don’t even have any way to message him, and it’s not like he reached out, so why does it still bother you?”

“Because it’s stupid.”

“What is?”

“How much I wanted to be where he was,” he confesses. Each word presses against your skin in a plush, soft breath, and your heart shoots forward as he tilts his head, his nose brushing against yours. Stomach tightening, you swallow, lips parting. Suguru lets out another pained sigh, “Oh, fuck.”

His eyes find your mouth.

When Sukuna kissed you for the first time five years ago, it had been your very first kiss. You hadn’t known, truly, what it would spiral into. You couldn’t really see his eyes at the time, and in your dreams, they are swallowed by his shadows. In reality, his room had just been too dark to make out anything more than the shape of his nose, his chin, his lips, outlined by the light of his laptop screen. You couldn’t even watch it happen. It just happened.

One moment, you were watching a show, the next, a mouth had pressed against yours softly, and you submitted to him. For years, you have wondered if the lights had been on, if you would’ve still been there. If the lights had been on as a witness to what your body was doing, would your brain have screeched to a stop?

You think of this now.

Not because you want to think of him. You don’t. You just look into Suguru’s face, and you think of Sukuna, who you can barely recall at this very moment, and you watch it happen this time.

There’s so much sunlight in this room it’s almost spilling out of their skin, and you can see the way Suguru’s eyebrows twitch together. You watch his thoughts like a one-way glass; you can see into him, and he can’t see a single thing into you, and as he searches your eyes, your mouth, your face for the answers to questions you’re nearly certain he’s silently asking, a sinking feeling begins to rise into your stomach at how long it’s taking. Sukuna had been near instantaneous. You had initiated last time at the party.

But they’re both sober right now, in broad daylight, and they’re both more than aware of what’s going to happen. You’re aware of every atom in your body—the placement of his hands on your body, your arms over his muscled shoulders. You can see the pores in his cheeks, the small acne scars from when he was a teenager you didn’t know existed.

Wasn’t this how a kiss went? Don’t they just go for it?

“If you kissed me right now,” you mumble, feeling more and more uncertain the longer the moment drags on, “I wouldn’t be mad at you or anything.”

Yet, he still doesn’t move.

Why?

Because he won’t do it.

No.

Because why would he?

You’re right.

Why… would Getou Suguru ever kiss you when he’s sober?

“I can’t,” he finally utters, and the little voice in your head crows in triumph. You draw your hands back until you’re holding onto his shoulders, but even that feels like too much and you step far enough that his hands fall off your body too.

Oh… but you expected this, didn’t you?

Fucking shut up.

A boiling oily feeling coats your nose and cheeks as Suguru scowls at the floor, fists clenching and unclenching. His knuckles blanche, and you stare at them, trying to ignore the burning in your eyes. The back of your neck prickles as he curses hotly. “Fuck. Fuck me.”

“What?” you intone, lifting your head with a deep breath and pasting a smile on your face. His head jerks to you, but you only keep that wry half-smile on your face. “Taking the rejection harder than me or something?”

A horrified expression seizes his face, and he grabs your arms suddenly, his mouth opening to explain in a rush. “No, no. (Name), wait—“

“Suguru, it’s fine if you don’t want to kiss me,” you tell him despite the ache in your heart. Gently pushing his grip off with the side of your palms, you pull away. Your face is burning with shame, but you swallow your injured pride in favour of appearing unaffected. It’s better if people don’t know how they hurt you. It’s embarrassing when others figure out that they can hurt you like that.

After all, you’re supposed to be cold, closed off. Untouchable.

Except, you had decided you would tell him anyway, didn’t you? You’d tell him all about the hurt that has festered and rotted in your heart in hopes that it’ll clear a space for him to settle in.

Except, when Suguru reaches for you again so insistently, tentative shaking fingers at your wrists, you don’t feel as invincible as you’d like.

You’re a book open for his perusal. You’ll tell him. You will. He’s already denied you one thing, but if you want to be friends with Getou Suguru, you must be as honest with him as he has always been with you.

“Actually,” you finally manage to say, “this is probably a good thing. It was stupid of me. We both said we weren’t looking for… for anything, so it’s better not to complicate things with that sort of stuff. I get it.”

“(Name).” His thumbs stroke your wrists and you want to curse his name. “(Name), no, No, it’s not that I don’t… you don’t understand how stupid I feel knowing I said all that shit about you not being my type and here I am standing, wanting nothing more than for you to kiss me. Or let me kiss you.” He laughs nervously, and draws your hands closer to his chest. You can feel his heart thumping swift like a river against your knuckles, but you can only blink in response to his own words. “It’s just… I need to tell you something before I dig myself too deep a hole that I can’t get myself out, y’know, I—”

“I like you, Suguru,” you blurt out, and when those words leave your mouth, you feel so relieved you think your heart might float out of your body. Suguru’s mouth drops open and you twist your hands to take hold of his own, squeezing painfully. “I like you… a lot. Like in a ‘I want to date you’ way, which I know you don’t exactly fuck with, but, y’know, I can’t help it. Fuck, it feels good to tell you, but I have to tell you, I’m fucking mortified right now because I’m pretty sure I’m just digging myself a deeper grave.”

“(Name)… I…”

“And you don’t have to do anything with that knowledge. You probably have people telling you that all the time, so I just thought I’d toss my two cents while I’m here because it’s good to be honest, right? We promised to be honest. I’m not feeding your ego again after this so you might as well take this while you can,” you ramble, that smile digging deeper and deeper into your lips. He watches you with a sympathy that makes you hate everything as he lifts a hand to cradle your face. You recoil, turning your head away but he grasps your chin, forcing you to meet his eyes. “What?”

“Can I tell you a secret, (Name)?” he asks softly, and his thumb stretches up to rest just underneath the swell of your bottom lip. He regards you in a way that makes you shatter, and when he smiles, you think that a rotten part of you that died five years ago breathes to life—swells with blood, oxygen, knits together unnaturally to the side of you like a tumour. But it’s just you. It’s just your heart. “I tell every person that they’re not my type to let them down as gently as I can.”

A beat. “That’s not gentle,” you point out, strangled, and he hums.

“I know. I… it’s the best way I can put it. It’s rarely ever because of them, though.” As if that excuses it. At your silence, Suguru explains himself with a quiet tint of shame: “It’s… just I couldn’t think of someone who could change my mind on relationships, and there was all these people wanting something I couldn’t give them. I never wanted to date because it never felt like it would be worth it to open up to someone, y’know, and then break up with them and start over. There wasn’t anyone I wanted to get to know like that again. It was just a waste of effort.”

“Suguru…”

“I know. There has to be some deep-rooted fucking psychological problem with me because who thinks about the end before it begins, right? I never want to miss anyone ever again.” He chuckles mirthlessly and your brow furrows, your frown grows. “Then at the party, the idea that Nanami could have you drove me fucking crazy.”

“We don’t have to go over this again,” you tell him hastily. “I was just joking about it.”

“No. We do, because I don’t want to lose you to someone else more than I don’t want to miss you.” He strokes your bottom lip, and his face softens. In the sunlight, his eyes are clear brown, as if you’re seeing through crystals, and you reach up shakily to touch his cheek. He smiles as soon as your fingers brush his skin. “I was lying when I said it would be lame to care about it. It’s not. It’s actually so fucking not lame that I feel… I don’t know. I don’t want any other person looking at you, or talking to you the way I want to talk to you, but I was afraid you’d freak out if I told you, but I can’t not tell you when I get so irrational about it because I fucking like you.”

You inhale sharply. No. This has to be a joke. “You do?”

He nods. “I do. I’ll swear to whatever you want me to swear on that I do.”

“Y-you… you don’t have to do all of that,” you murmur, and he chuckles, touching your face everywhere, looking at your eyes, your nose, your brow where sunlight is dancing across your skin. He carefully pulls your glassess off, tucking them into his sweatpants pocket, and his fingers dust over your eyelids. Cupping your jaw, Suguru hums, amused, and you don’t know what to do with your hands. One of them is still on his cheek, the other over his shoulder, and although the silence swallows them, you think your world has stopped.

Getou Suguru likes you.

Getou Suguru likes you back.

This hasn’t all been for nothing. Your heart tripping in your chest, you try to figure out if he’s lying or if he’s joking so he can try to scam you for sympathy points, but as soon as you think it, a pulse of disgust rises up in defense of the boy.

Suguru would never hurt you on purpose. Not like this. He knows. He has just as much on the line as you.

“Can I have my glasses back?” you demand quietly, and he laughs.

“You’re so beautiful.” His breath kisses your skin, and your lips part before you remember yourself, pressing your mouth into a thin line and swallowing hard. “So… so beautiful. I can’t stand it.”

“Stop talking nonsense.”

“‘M not,” he mumbles. “I wanna kiss you so badly. You drive me crazy, but I always feel like I’m finally a little bit more sane when I’m around you.” Your shoulders sink and he pulls away just to stare at your face. His thumb touches your under-eye, and he sighs. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you haul him into a hug, one he accepts fully with his arms encircling your waist. “I haven’t felt sane in a long, long time.”

“Suguru…”

“I need to tell you something, (Name),” he murmurs, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped around your waist. His heat seeps into your body—he’s wearing a freshly washed shirt, and he smells like his cologne and a hint of sweat. Every inch of him is soft, pliant, and when he tucks his head into your shoulder, silky strands of his hair fall through the crevices of your hand when you card your fingers through. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I need to tell you something, too,” you whisper.

“Okay. Okay.” He withdraws, and holds your face in his hands, before smiling. It doesn’t reach his eyes, but his effort shines through the dimple that pokes his cheek, and you touch it. You’d never noticed he had dimples before. “You tell me first.”

You sit against the wall underneath the barre. That’s where Suguru finds you when he returns with drinks from the nearest café on campus. Handing you a matcha latte, he grins at your glasses back on your face, and he reaches down to fiddle with them. You smack his hand, scowling, and he chuckles, sitting down beside you.

“How much was it?”

“I dunno why you even try, baby,” he says around a sip of his own coffee, and you roll your eyes, crossing an arm over your stomach and taking a stubborn taste of your own drink. Your lips twitch into a faint pleased smile, before you set it down beside you and look over at him. “So… we got drinks. Do you wanna talk about it or do you want a little more time?”

“No. I had time to think about how I wanted to say it,” you mutter, although you won’t look at him. He frowns around his drink. A part of him is secretly dreading what you’re about to tell him. It’s hard to decipher, especially when after that whole sunlight dance, you had detached yourself so robotically, and asked him to give you some time alone to organize your thoughts. Suguru can’t read your every thought, even though he likes to flatter himself with thinking he can read you better than most people, so he sits there, nursing his drink as you pull your knees to your chest, resting your chin on your knees.

“There was a guy in high school. He was my… first everything, I guess,” you utter at length. “He was sort of everything I wasn’t. I was a band kid, y’know, choir. Smart-ish. He was kind of like the bad boy. But popular, and it was sort of annoying because I didn’t really get it. He had all these girls trying to ask him out, but he was mean to them, so why the fuck would they want him?” A hint of a laugh makes his heart ache. You sound so nostalgic, so young, then. “But… then we became desk mates. It’s stupid, but I liked him because he wasn’t ever mean to me and I felt special. He was a bit rude, but he wouldn’t insult me over stuff I was insecure about, and he was really patient when I was dealing with things. We were friends, sort of. I guess. Friend circles didn’t mix, but we shared classes.”

Suguru thinks he has an idea of where it’s going as you unfold yourself, crossing your legs and leaning back against the wall. You stare at some far off distant point in the floor, but he only has eyes on you.

“I liked him a lot in my second year of middle school, but then nothing ever happened, and we drifted apart. I guess we were just too different, but there’s that feeling, I don’t know if you ever… but it’s like when you have these people in your life, and you look at them, and you think, ‘oh, I could fall in love with you so easily if I had the chance.’ He was like that person for me. I thought if I ever tried even a little, I could really like him again, and maybe I just never stopped liking him, because I wasn’t really interested in anyone else besides him.”

“Did anything ever come out of it?” he asks softly.

You nod, swallowing. A bitterness curves your lip. “In my second year of high school, we somehow… I don’t even remember how anymore. It just happened we reconnected somehow, and we decided to hang out, just the two of us. I feel like it was me who initiated it, because I feel so stupid about it.” Wistful: “It was winter. Not snowy. It was just beginning to melt, actually, and I thought we were just friends just going out for lunch. I thought… I thought he wanted to hang out with me because we were friends.”

His heart drops. A premonition of dread begins to grow darker and sharper in the back of his mind. “(Name), you don’t have to—“

“He invited me back to his house,” you whisper, trembling. “And we were just watching some show that we were talking about earlier. I don��t know how it happened. I just kept saying yes because I wanted to, I really did, and I thought he liked me. That he had sex with me because…” You cannot continue the sentence. Instead, you inhale sharply, and let out an agonizing exhale. “When he dropped me off at my house after, he texted me that he loved spending time with me, but he didn’t have feelings for me and that he just wanted to be honest so I didn’t get hurt further down the road. Isn’t that funny? It makes me laugh because I had to sit there, holding onto my phone, and pretend that my heart wasn’t breaking reading his texts. When he said he cared about me, but he didn’t want a relationship with me because we wouldn’t work out in the long run, he could see it, and that all we did… that all of that was pretty much… nothing to him. Man, I felt so.... so disgusting and used.”

Raging anger shoots through his system as you shake your head and let out a quivering breath. “It hurts so much, in here.” A hand against your heart. Your eyes are closed, head tilted against the wall, and your lips are pulled into a grimace as if you’re holding back tears. Suguru’s entire body feels hollow as he watches your face scrunch up at the memory. “Why did he do that if he always knew he didn’t want to be with me?” You don’t wait for or want his answer. “And the worst thing is… I can’t ever bring myself to hate him. I can’t. I fell in love with him over the course of that day, and I… it’s so hard to get over someone you never even dated, Suguru, you have no fucking idea.”

A beat of silence. You inhale deeply, lifting your head from the wall to look at him blankly, and it clicks. The way you tried so hard to avoid his touch, your aversion for a relationship. You had given yourself to someone before, and they had discarded you like nothing.

“Something must have happened between him dropping him off at my house, and driving back to his own,” you continue with such a strong conviction that it makes Suguru’s heart ache. “Maki thinks he was just a fucking douchebag, but none of my friends knew him like I did. It’s been five years, and sometimes I think I can’t move on, but then I met you, and…”

“Do you still love him?” he asks tentatively, and your smile grows fonder, your eyes fall to half-mast as you regard him in that way of yours that makes him feel like he’s the only thing you see. Suguru looks down between them, his mind a swirl.

He already knows what he’s decided: he can’t tell you. He can’t tell you the truth. Not after this. Shoko can kill him for all he cares, but if she knew what he knew, she would fucking understand.

“When I first started liking you, I was so afraid that everything that happened with him would happen to me again, but you make me feel willing to try.” Your fingers stretch to touch his hand, and he takes hold of you immediately. “I’m telling you because it’s important, and I want to explain everything. Why I can’t move fast—why this is a really big deal for me. Suguru, please, look at me.” He sets down his latte and does so. “It still affects me. It still scares me, but I want to try. Do you… do you want to try?”

You’re so beautiful. Tentative with your heart in his hands, but open. You want to give him everything. You want him, and Suguru is a selfish boy with a liar’s tongue. He can’t hurt you now. Everything he wanted to tell you, the courage he’d been building up since he asked you out last night, crumbles to ash.

Because to say Getou Suguru is not a lover is not entirely true. He wants love. He needs it. But he is not built for love—not designed to be a capsule for it where it can age and ripen and grow into something warmer and hearty and healthier. He is a sieve. Everything will fall through no matter how fine, how big, a particle is, and he can do nothing but watch.

And you want to love him, but he remembers Riko, and Nanami, and now there is another figure in the corner of his eye that looks like a stranger, and you are in front of him, surrounded by all this shadow, untouched, pure in the light. You are the sun, unmarked by the noxious miasma that fogs his brain.

His throat tightens.

Riko’s youthful face is just like he remembers, flickering by your shoulder and smilling, completely unaware of anything happening as she speaks to someone. He hasn’t seen a mirage of her in so long. Not since she died. He used to see hints of her in the halls of the school, wisps of someone who used to be alive, and knows this is just a residual memory playing in his mind.

An everlasting reminder.

But you would’ve liked her, he thinks. You are both too sunshine-like to not get along.

Because you are the sun. Hidden behind a cloudy, stormy exterior, Suguru has never seen someone shine quite so brightly as you when you finally let him in.

“Suguru,” you whisper presently, reaching to touch his face, and he blinks, head jerking to you. When had he even drifted away? “Are you still there?” Your fingers touch his cheek. “You look a little… lost.”

“I want us to work,” he insists, and his eyes close. “Sorry. I just was thinking…”

“You’re here,” you tell him softly. “And I’m here, if you want me to be.”

“Okay.” He nods. “Okay, I’m okay.”

“You’re okay,” you repeat, and he lets out a soft sigh, opening his eyes. “Let’s get up, and find something to eat.”

“I’m sorry. I’m all distracted when you told me all this stuff. I promise, it’s not because it’s not important, it’s because—“

“You’re thinking about Riko, aren’t you,” you murmur, and his eyes flash to you. “I can tell.”

“You can?”

“Relationships are a big commitment, and you’re… you’re sort of scared of commitment, Suguru. Dunno if you can tell,” you murmur, voice edging on teasing. It diffuses the heat inside him, and he slouches as you chuckle, coming closer. He lets you, fingers wrapping around your wrist to hold your hand against his face. Kissing the palm of your hand, he closes his eyes. “Could be because of her.”

“It probably is.”

“I mean, I’m not a psychiatrist, so…” you drawl playfully, and he lifts his head again, glaring at you in faux irritation. You smirk. “What?”

“You’re too smart.”

“Why else would you like me?”

“Do you want me to whip out my notes, again?” he asks, pulling away, and you scoff. “I can do it. I’m gonna do it.”

“Do not—“

“I’m getting up to do it.” Pushing himself to his feet, he begins to walk back to where he left his phone and you call his name, annoyed. He doesn’t listen though, content to walk like there’s a breeze beneath his feet. He just about reaches the table when something grabs his hand, pulling him backwards. His muscles contract, hauling you close as he turns around, and he catches you before they can knock heads.

“I don’t wanna hear about your weird lists,” you snap, eyes narrowed, but you don’t try to escape, and he chuckles, leaning in closer and rubbing the tip of his nose against yours teasingly.

“Why not, baby?”

“Because it’s embarrassing,” you mumble, turning your face away. He lifts a hand from your bicep to tilt your face back towards him, and he leans in close. “Stop,” you whine. “You make me feel so stupid.”

“What’s so embarrassing about me having feelings for you?” he utters softly, and you inhale, shivering in his hold. “Should’ve known as soon as I made a list of all the things I knew about you in my notes app that I was a goner.”

Your eyes meet his, and he’s struck by the glow in your eyes. It’s not something physics can explain. Something more innate than science ignites Suguru from head to toe and he feels like he’s been ushered into a warm room after nights spent out in the winter night.

You swallow, lips parting to speak, but he rushes to cut you off: to say you’re beautiful, you’re the prettiest girl he’s ever fucking known. But what comes out instead is: “Shit.”

You frown. “What is it?”

“Is it okay if I kiss you?”

Your eyes widen, and you struggle to formulate a sentence, before settling on a nod, your breathy ‘yes’ just barely reaching his ears.

Suguru lifts his hand to remove your glasses, setting them blindly on the surface behind them. He cannot take his eyes off you. The sunlight is just barely hitting your face, giving your skin a warm glow despite the coming winter.

And there’s that tiny little frown again, the one he adores so much. He needs to kiss that pouty mouth or he thinks he’ll starve.

Suguru kisses you, and his entire body cannot help but meld into yours. He pulls you even closer until you’re flush against him, his hands immediately cupping your jaw as soon as he feels your body against his. Your fingers wrap around his wrists gently, your mouth parting, and he feels your gasp in his body as his tongue tentatively slips against yours, warm and soft and velvety.

You let out a soft keening noise, and a hot surge pulses through Suguru’s core, but he suppresses the desire and pulls back. Sucking in a deep breath, he returns with lingering, but chaste kisses, and your fingers dig into his wrists tightly as you push up against him, almost chasing him. It makes him grin against your mouth, and he draws back fully, thumb brushing the swell of your lip.

Your eyes open slowly, dreamily. You look so happy that Suguru wants to eternalize this moment. He doesn’t want to let another thing hurt you in this life, in this world. Not when he’s still here by your side. He wants to swear it, but he can’t, and all of a sudden, his heart cramps in his chest so intensely it’s like it’s reminding him that it’s still here, and still beating, still alive.

He’s been here before, or something that looks enough like it. His mind reeling, his eyebrows knit together as he thinks back to earlier this week, to when he had said he couldn’t be your boyfriend. All the events leading up to that moment, even the positions their bodies had been in as he said it, are unclear blobs of colour vaguely resembling their costumes, but when you shift your body, his stomach tightens and he sucks in a soft breath.

They’ve been here before. Arms around each other, eyes shining with all the adoration a human being can possible encompass. Your legs wet against his from the hot tub. Your mouth burning from the alcohol as you kissed him senseless. His hands on your body, the sneaking glances when they’d returned, concealed by drunk giggles.

You burrowing into his hoodie as you fell deeper asleep on Satoru’s couch, relaxed and at peace in the remnants of their party.

Did you have feelings for him then? How far back did they go? Do they go as far as he’s willing to acknowledge his own? Or did they come closer to today, where they stand now, body to body, nose to nose. He wants to know. He wants to know everything.

“Suguru? What is it?” you whisper presently, derailing his thought train. Their illusion is slowly breaking, and the golden bubble is rapidly disappearing as you frown. Suguru meets your eyes tenderly. Oh, you are the most precious thing, and he is weak at the knees.

“You’ve kissed me before,” he informs, scarcely audible. You flinch away from him, but he doesn’t let go of your waist, squeezing reassuringly. “I’m not mad. I’m just—“

“I thought you didn’t remember.” Horrified, you duck your head. “Shit. I—I didn’t want to tell you in case it didn’t mean anything. I… I thought you didn’t remember.”

“I didn’t. I just remembered.” Then, testing: “Do you remember anything?”

Your shoulders sink and you shake your head. A swell of relief tides in Suguru despite the guilt prickling in his gut. So you don’t remember what he said. That’s good. It’s simpler if you don’t remember stupid things he’s said.

Don’t get him wrong. He was honest with you back then when he said he couldn’t be your boyfriend, but that had been drunk thoughts, insecurity, and the secret of it all threatening to spill out of his chest. He couldn’t wasn’t the same as he shouldn’t or he wouldn’t.

You regard him warily. “Are we okay?”

Suguru blinks, and there’s that distinct feeling from his youth growing up side by side with someone like Satoru; that feeling of not being quite able to catch up. Mouth dry, he affirms, “Of course. I just wish you told me. Then, I wouldn’t have had to waste this week trying to figure shit out.”

“Yeah, well, I was scared it didn’t really matter to you. It was just a kiss, after all, and I didn’t want to ruin something over a thing I might’ve blown out of proportion when you probably didn’t care, so I… I don’t know. Y’know, I take that stuff kinda seriously.”

“Well, it wasn’t just a kiss to me,” he says. “You kissed me. The girl I like kissed me. I would’ve been fucking elated if I remembered.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. And then, maybe today wouldn’t have been an elaborate, subtle, kind of vague ploy to get you to go out with me, and we could actually be going out for real right now.”

Your eyebrows shoot up. “Was this supposed to be a romantic date?” you ask curiously, and heat rises to his face as you carefully wrap your arms around his neck. He puts on a smile and shrugs carelessly. “Stupid.”

“Have you been on better dates?”

“Considering what I just told you, no. So, granted, you’re winning so far,” you tease. He opens his mouth to apologize, but you shake your head. “I get to make fun of it. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mhm. Five years, and I’m getting over it. Enough to like your sorry ass.”

“Well, sorry you fell for my good looks, charisma, and natural talent for everything.” You shove him away, scoffing, and he laughs, grabbing your hand again, and squeezing it. “C’mon. Something to eat, right?”

“You’re driving us somewhere, then.”

“Demanding me of something already and we’re not even five minutes into this relationship,” he jokes. Your gaze darts to him warily, and you cross your arms over your chest. He catches the shift, and he straightens up, smile shrinking. “What is it?”

“That’s what this is?” you ask quietly. Your fingers dig into your own biceps as you look away. “A relationship?”

He frowns, hesitantly asking, “Isn’t that what you want?”

“I… I do want it,” you admit, “but now that it might happen, I don’t know if I can do it. If I can just go out in public and say, hey, I’m dating the guy everyone wants to date. That’s just not me.”

“We don’t have to make a big announcement out of everything. We can just… see how it goes, can’t we? Play it safe and slow,” he murmurs, but you shake your head, looking doubtfully at the space between their bodies. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s really no big deal to me how you wanna go about this. I really do like you, and if you want to date, fine, if not… that’s fine, too.”

You deliberate this for a moment.

Then: “I’m just gonna this first before we go further that you’re not gonna fuck me.”

His body goes stiff. Not from disappointment, but just by the sheer amount of ice in your tone. “What?”

You turn to pick up your glasses from behind you. “We’re not having sex or anything today. If that’s what you’re looking for, tough luck.” You slide them on, trying to move past him, but he grabs your elbows insistently, keeping you rooted before him. You try to fight it at first, begrudging attempts at trying to rip yourself away, but Suguru is stronger. When you finally don’t try to run, he lifts an index finger to your chin, guiding your gaze back to him, and your face contorts, anguished and cracking apart at the seams.

“Don’t ever think that. I’m not here just so I can have sex with you, (Name).”

“I know it’s out of left-field but most guys expect that, don’t they?”

“Yeah, but I don’t,” he insists firmly, trying to keep the irritation out of his tone. He knows he’s not annoyed at you and he doesn’t want you to mistake it that way. He’s pissed that you think like that, sure, but you have every reason. Fuck, if he could just… somehow heal that part of you, he’d give anything, but you’d hate his pity. Gentler, he adds: “I don’t like you just because I think I can sleep with you,” he says, appalled. “Do you trust me?”

“I do. I do trust you, I just I can’t…. I can’t put myself there without feeling gross, Suguru, and a relationship normally progresses that way, and I don’t know if I can do it now, or soon, or whatever your timeline is, so please, don’t ask that of me.”

“I won’t,” he assures you, as sincere as he can be. “I don’t need that kind of stuff. As long as you’re comfortable with everything we have going on, I’m happy, okay? And if you want to sleep with me, okay, if you don’t, all good. I like you, (Name). I always have. That’s not gonna change just because I can’t do something as trivial as sex.”

“I wish it was that easy for me,” you mutter, but he shakes his head.

“I like that you take this stuff seriously. I think it’s admirable, and romantic, and I like that about you,” he murmurs. “Believe me, it just inspires me to woo you even more.”

“Woo me?” you echo, sarcasm inked into your words, but your tone lightens. Suguru’s heart lifts, too. “How are you going to go about that?”

“Well, first,” he drawls, tilting his head to press a kiss against your cheek, “I take you out to dinner.” A kiss to your other cheek. “And then I take you to the beach.” Your eyes meet his, and he grins. “Hopefully there are fireworks.”

“So, it’d have to be a special occasion.”

“Mmm, and we could dance on the beach.”

“That sounds nice, actually.”

“You could lead me, too, and dip me over your leg to kiss me,” he suggests much to your dismayed expression, and he chuckles. “Just kidding.” He sneaks a peck, one that has your eyes closing, and you swallow, letting out a long exhale.

When your eyes open again, they’re filled with a renewed vigour.

“Suguru, you’re really sure about this? Boyfriend, and all?”

“If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t still be here. Believe me.”

You bite your lip and nod. “I’ll try.”

“Good enough for me.” Stepping back, he extends a hand towards you, fingers outstretched, and when your hand slips into his, it has never felt more like two puzzle pieces finally finding one another.

You run to catch up to him, and your face is cupped by his free hand briefly, his lips seeking your forehead. You pause, feeling his lips brush down your temple, and your cheek pulls. He can feel your smile against his lips as he finally touches your lips with his own in a soft, lingering kiss.

Three words threaten to push against his tongue, but he pulls away, surprised at the urge to blurt out something he’s not even sure exists, so he simply settles on kissing your forehead again and pulling away.

“I can keep calling you baby, right?” he checks, and your nose wrinkles as you laugh, shoving his face away.

“All that, and that’s what you want to ask me?” A beat. “Yes, you can, baby.” You grab his chin, kissing his jaw, before letting go of his hand to gather your things.

“Well, I might wanna try other names.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Honey. Dear. Sweetheart. Flower.”

“I like baby, I think.”

“Baby?”

“Yeah. I’m just used to it.”

“Okay.”

You hoist the bag ont your shoulder. Suguru grabs his bag, too, grabbing everything he needs. Thoughtfully: “Flower is a strong contender.”

An idea springs forth, and he glances over his shoulder. “How about sunshine?” You’re adjusting your glasses, but you’re hiding a smile behind your hand as you meet his gaze. He thinks on it. “Sunbeam.”

“That doesn’t suit me.”

“Yes, it does. Go argue with a wall.” You walk up to him, and a faint smile graces his lips as he catches your phone camera sneaking a picture of him. Quirking an eyebrow, he leans over to see what you’re doing, but you turn away. Suguru peers over your shoulder, and a heat blooms from his chest when he realizes you’re changing his profile picture.

“You just changed it a few days ago,” he points out as you adjust the position of the picture. You look up at him, and he shimmies closer to watch you save the image. It’s slightly blurry, but it looks distinctly charming. Maybe because you took it. Resting an arm across your shoulders, he presses his nose against your temple. “Sunbeam.”

“Yeah?’ you mumble, distracted. You’re swiping through notifications on your phone, now, and he averts his gaze, focusing on leading you to the door. His hand slips into your free hand, and you finally look up when he closes the door behind you. Flattening your bag strap, you rub at your face. “Sorry. Got distracted.”

“’S long as I’m still your boyfriend,” he says, and the word settles so easily on his tongue he wants to say it again. Announce it to the whole world. He’s a boyfriend now. Getou Suguru is a boyfriend.

He doesn’t think it would’ve ever sat right if he was someone else’s boyfriend—anyone else’s but yours. Because you roll your eyes, and you try to pretend it’s not a big deal to you and say something about how Maki’s going to hate his guts, but when they walk to his car and you climb into his passenger seat, you shyly press a kiss to his mouth before he pulls out of the lot, and sneak your fingers between his on the centre console.

There’s a soft melody playing from one of his CDs you picked.

He squeezes your hand as he passes an intersection. You squeeze back, looking out the window, but in the reflection of the glass, he can see the curve of your smile.

a/n: thanks for sticking around and reading all the way to the end! please leave a reblog/comment if you enjoyed :)

tags: @thelameless @lucyrocks86 @kentospet @id-rather-be-an-outsider @ys2800 @tuzuis4thwife @pidwidge @xbookmanx @kaitlyn2907 @butterfly-skinnylegend @rumi-rants @bloombb @mykyoon @waterlily502 @hanabihwa

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thatgirl4815 · 8 months

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I was listening to Jojo's Sand playlist today and Clean by Ryan Adams really struck me.

I had to go and look up the lyrics, and it's pretty explicitly linking a relationship to an addiction. So now I'm scared about both Ray/Sand and also about whatever went down with the ex who is probably Boeing.

Have you listened to the playlist, and if so did it give you any new thoughts about Sand?

Hi! Yes, actually, when I tell you I’ve been listening to Sand’s playlist on repeat since I first found out about it, that’s no exaggeration haha.

You’re right, the lyrics of Clean use very “addictive” language, and I am also scared (but intrigued) to see how that “addiction” to each other could create conflict. A common thread I see through several of the songs is self-awareness. The speakers seem to understand, for the most part, that they are being used or that they are pining after someone who can’t properly return their affection. For me, Fix You and I Don’t Want To Change you stand out in terms of one’s efforts to help someone and care for them, a trait we already know is central to Sand’s character. I Wanna Be Yours captures that hopeless aspect (“I wanna be your vacuum cleaner” makes a pretty strong first impression).

Anywaysss I could evidently go on a rant about each of these songs, but suffice to say I love the playlist and think it captures Sand’s vibe perfectly. I also like that the tone and general vibe of the songs is often a guise for their depressive lyrics—I think this pairs nicely with Sand’s own efforts to appear indifferent, when in actuality he’s already down bad for Ray. Idk if I’d say the playlist has changed my thoughts on Sand, but it’s definitely enhanced them. He’s a little like Nick in that he cares for someone who is resistant to returning those feelings—the difference is that “fixing” Ray involves a lot more psychological turmoil than trying to fix Boston.

I’d be curious to see what everybody else thinks about Sand’s playlist and how it speaks to him as a character! Here’s hoping Jojo will make a Ray one soon so we can all be drowning in our feels.

#I love looking at and analyzing lyrics so if anybody has any that stood out I’d love to hear them #I’m always looking to deepen my sandray brain rot #only friends #only friends the series #only friends ask #ask #RaySand #sandray #ray x sand #sand X ray #only friends sand #sanray #raysan #jojo tichakorn #first kanaphan #khaotung thanawat #firstkhaotung #firstkhao #only friends meta

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izicodes · 1 year

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May Monk Mode Challenge

I made another challenge!! May Monk Mode Challenge - A Studyblr Challenge! In this challenge, we will incorporate the productivity hack "Monk Mode" to help you stay focused and productive during your study sessions. The goal of this challenge is to create a habit of consistent and effective studying that will help you reach your academic goals. I am excited because I made a post about it back in March but already started the April Study Challenge so here we go!

Don't know what "Monk Mode" means in terms of studying? I made a post about it here! - LINK

Set aside a specific time each day for your study session. This could be early in the morning, after lunch, or in the evening, whichever works best for your schedule.

Turn off all distractions, including your phone, notifications, and any other potential distractions.

Create a study space that is quiet and free from distractions.

Set a timer for 60 minutes and commit to studying without any breaks or interruptions during this time.

After the 60 minutes are up, take a 10-minute break and then repeat the process.

One session = 60 mins study + 10 mins break. At least complete one session a day.

Day 1: What are your academic goals for this month? Write down your goals and the steps you need to take to achieve them.

Day 2: What subjects or topics do you struggle with the most? Identify your weak areas and make a plan to improve them.

Day 3: Create a study schedule for the next week, including specific topics you need to focus on.

Day 4: Review your notes from the past week and summarize the key concepts.

Day 5: Watch a video or read an article related to one of your subjects. Write a brief summary and explain how it relates to what you are studying.

Day 6: Practice active recall by testing yourself on the material you have learned so far. Use flashcards or quiz yourself.

Day 7: Reflect on your progress over the past week. What have you accomplished, and what can you improve upon?

Day 8: Identify any distractions that prevent you from studying effectively. Make a plan to eliminate them.

Day 9: Set a specific goal for your study session today. What do you want to accomplish in the next hour?

Day 10: Review your study schedule from Day 3. Are you on track to meet your goals? If not, adjust your schedule as needed.

Day 11: Practice visualization by imagining yourself acing your upcoming exams. How does it feel to achieve your academic goals?

Day 12: Identify your preferred learning style (e.g., visual, auditory, kinesthetic). How can you incorporate this into your study sessions?

Day 13: Take a practice test to gauge your understanding of the material. What areas do you need to focus on more?

Day 14: Reflect on your study space. Is it conducive to learning, or can you make improvements?

Day 15: Review the notes and study materials from one of your favorite classes. What makes this subject interesting to you?

Day 16: Create a mind map or flow chart to organize the information you have learned so far.

Day 17: Watch a TED talk or listen to a podcast related to one of your subjects. What did you learn from it?

Day 18: Use the Pomodoro technique (25-minute study sessions with 5-minute breaks) to help you stay focused.

Day 19: Review any feedback from teachers or professors. How can you incorporate this feedback into your studying?

Day 20: Take a break and do something that relaxes you (e.g., exercise, read a book, take a walk).

Day 21: Reflect on your progress over the past three weeks. What have you accomplished, and what can you improve upon?

Day 22: Identify any study habits that are not serving you well. How can you replace them with more effective habits?

Day 23: Use a mnemonic device (e.g., acronym, song, image) to help you remember a complex concept.

Day 24: Take a practice test or quiz yourself on the material you have learned so far. How much have you retained?

Day 25: Reflect on your motivation. Why are you studying this subject, and how can you maintain your motivation?

Day 26: Create a study group or find a study buddy to help keep you accountable.

Day 27: Use the Feynman Technique (teaching a concept to someone else) to help reinforce your understanding.

Day 28: Take a break from studying and attend a virtual academic event (e.g., seminar, lecture, conference).

Day 29: Review your study schedule for the month. What did you learn about your studying habits and how can you improve them?

Day 30: Reflect on your progress throughout the month. What have you accomplished, and what do you plan to do differently next month to continue improving your academic performance?

Day 31: Celebrate your accomplishments! Reward yourself for your hard work and dedication throughout the month.

I will be adding this challenge to my Study Challenges List!

Want to do another study challenge? I made a masterpost of all of the Studyblr challenges you could try and complete! - LINK

Remember to post about your progress using the #mmmstudy hashtag to track your progress and connect with other participants!

Good luck!

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lithiumcreepblog · 8 months

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Steve Harrington & Jonathan Byers’

The Great American Road Trip

Day 1. 07/21/1993. Chicago, IL to St. Louis, MO.

Day 1: Jonathan and I are on the Route 66. Finally. We have been planning this trip for a while, and we’re going from Chicago to Santa Monica the whole way through, then visiting Argyle. I’ve been wanting to go on a cross country road trip for a long time, so it’s great that we get to go now. We stopped by a vendor at the pier first and got some sunglasses for the road. Jonathan said I’m too obsessed with sunglasses. I don’t think so though. It’s not my fault I look incredibly cool in them. He looks really good in them too, not that he’ll ever admit it. He wouldn’t let me take a picture of him with two sunglasses on at the same time, but he looked pretty silly. We drove for a few hours to Springfield where we stopped for a quick lunch at a diner. Actually, Jonathan drove and I provided meaningful commentary the whole way. Jonathan also won’t stop filming everything he sees with his video camera… he’s making a film later of our trip. Robin told me I should keep a journal too, write down stuff I find interesting along the way. Which I saw a lot of. One of which is this big statue called The Gemini Giant in Wilmington. He had an astronaut helmet that looks more like a mask for welding, but it was pretty cool. My favorite stop of the day was the detour to the old brick road which is part of the original stretch of the Route. We’re already out of Illinois and made it to St. Louis even with all our stops. But it was already dark when we arrived so we’ll have to see the Arch tomorrow. I’m absolutely wiped because I took over the driving role after Springfield, but today was more fun than I even imagined.

“Do you really have to record everything?”

“Oh yes, this is very important. We’re capturing the essence of Americana… gorging yourself on a hamburger with bacon. Pure American decadence.”

“Give me that, I’m not being the only one with my mouth open on camera.”

“Alright, alright. Here you go, get a shot of our milkshakes together.”

“So, Jonathan. Tell the camera, how have I been as a road trip companion so far?”

“Hmm, very distracting.”

“What? I’m offended.”

“Don’t look at me like a kicked puppy, I mean it in a good way. I’ve just never seen you this lively or taken with anything, that’s all. This is about fulfilling your dream as much as it is about mine. It is like being a kid all over again, isn’t it? Going places we’ve never been before and seeing new things. It’s just hard to focus on the road when your eyes are lighting up beside me with every weird landmark we pass.”

“Nice save there, Jon. I am glad we get to do this together. It’s already some of the most fun I’ve had, and you are a great partner to go on a road trip with.”

“Likewise, Steve. I can’t believe we’ve never done this before.”

“And why don’t you give us something from that book of yours as parting words for anyone who might be seeing this?”

“I don’t think we’ll be showing this to anyone but sure… let’s see… okay, here. ‘What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?—It’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.’”

“Alright… I think I understood what that means… now, back on the road!”

Steve & Jonathan listen to this on repeat for about 5 times before they both grow tired of it. Steve then wonders if there are any other songs about Route 66 to which Jonathan goes on a 15 minute long lecture about the origin of the song, from Nat King Cole to the other renditions. Steve listens with a fond smile as Jonathan becomes more animated behind the wheel, and plays the tape again just for the fun of it.

Souvenirs obtained: one fridge magnet that says Route 66 Illinois for Joyce, one miniature car to put on Steve’s shelf, one postcard set for the memories.

#stonathan #jonathan byers #steve harrington #moodboard #ficlet #fanwork #no plot just vibes #stranger things #back on my stonathan bullshit #literally nobody asked for this #but i need to see them go on a road trip together #could also be part of my chicago chronicles series…?#if anyone even knows what that is #should i keep going?#i probably will #Spotify #sj tgart #<- for tracking

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greaseonmymouth · 6 days

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tagging games

hokay so I've been tagged in a bunch of these over the past few months weeks, by different people, so let's have some memetic fun

1. fanfic writer's bingo

I was tagged by @mslanna !

well, i did get one bingo! I have never commissioned fanart but I have received it. i debated whether to tick off that last square - 'wants to be a professional writer some day' because eh, i could take that or leave it? i do write original fiction and i have at times dreamt about getting it published, but also, i don't actually care. i write because i enjoy writing and getting paid for it i think is highly likely to make me hate it, so.

2. get to know you better game

I was tagged by @love-lays-bleeding !

get to know you better game! answer the questions and tag 9 people you want to know better.

last song i listened to: Danser Med Drenge - Alt for at beholde dig. it's on my Carl x Assad playlist but also Danser Med Drenge are just genuinely enjoyable in general

currently watching: 9-1-1, Grey's Anatomy, and Station 19. clawing at my face waiting for new episodes for all three shows. aside from that, nothing really, though I think I'll watch Dead Boy Detectives when it drops

currently obsessed with: 9-1-1, Afdeling Q.

3. nine people to get to know better

I was tagged by @foxesonstilts ! some repeat questions, but we'll manage.

last song: TV-2 - De første kærester på månen. this is also on my Carl x Assad playlist which makes no fucking sense because this is a song about teenagers in love and first heartbreak HOWEVER it is a banger and when spotify queued it up after my playlist finished, I was like, you know what, I'll just put it on the list.

favourite colour: considering how many blue items i own it must be blue. honestly though i love a lot of colours and am also partial to green, yellow, orange, pink, red, purple

currently watching: see above

sweet/savoury/spicy: all of them? they each have their time and place but most of all they belong in my mouth

relationship status: single and not willing to mingle

current obsession: finding a pair of hiking boots/shoes. i had ordered a pair THREE WEEKS AGO but UPS lost my parcel so i finally got refunded today but i'm leaving on holiday in less than a week and i still need fucking hiking shoes and i'm losing my mind

last thing you searched: "outdoor sport store london"

4. 20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @palavapeite !

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

117 on my main, but not all of them are fics and not all of the fics are written by me, or just me (some are fanbinding posts, some are fanart, some are collaborative works). including my other two accounts, we're talking 224 works in total.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

on my main, 867,037 words, but that includes about 120k not written by me.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

currently: Afdeling Q, BBC Shetland. though for the latest yuletide I went back to Volstovic Cycle for a stint and i wrote my first ever Ocean's 11 fic after years and years of only reading.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

that's 4 Harry Potter fics plus one Avengers/Batman crossover I wrote in 2012 on a whim after seeing the Dark Knight Rises and which became unexpectedly popular for a bit. I still love that fic though:

How to become a superhero and gain a family (minus the picket fence) - 7k, Tony Stark & Bruce Wayne, Steve/Tony. 2,758 kudos

the HP fics are:

Don't Blame Me (It Was All a Blur Last Night) - H/D, 7,468 kudos I'll Tell You a Secret (Just Don't Tell) - H/D, 5,209 kudos Here Now, Gone Yesterday (or Back to the Future) - R/S, T/J, 3,078 kudos Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them (or Draco Malfoy's Guide to Stop Dying and Start Living Instead) - H/D, 2,607 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes, usually. I stopped responding to comments on my HP fic a while ago because I couldn't summon the energy to engage with them, and more recently I turned off all comments for HP fic so that I wouldn't have to bother at all. I'm glad people are still able to enjoy these fics, but I need some distance.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I've written some dark fic in the past and I think what comes closest is this old thing I wrote for HP nextgendarkfest back in like 2011, in which some of the nextgen characters (including Harry's sons) were criminals who staged their own murders to cover up a heist they did but it implies that Harry was on to them, nearly caught them in the act, and was devastated about it.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

almost all of them??? most of what I write has a happy ending because I want happy endings, damn it. if by happiest you mean 'least complicated' or 'unadulterated joyful' or something like that, then maybe...I don't know, god, I could name at least 50 fics like that just off the top of my head.

You know what, let's do the most recent one:

Et Afdeling Q Julemysterie - this is pure fluff and happy ending and it makes me smile like a fool in love, so.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not in a while - I used to get some nasty comments on this one old HP fic that had a nextgen teenage character working out his sexuality, and some people took offense at the character being asexual/not being asexual enough/turning out to not be asexual in the end. like, make up your mind about what the problem is at least? I also got nasty comments on another HP fic which featured aromantic polyamorous Harry in a V relationship with Ginny and Draco (and Ginny herself was in a V relationship with Harry and Blaise) for various reasons, including but not limited to people not understanding that one can in fact be both polyamorous and aromantic at one and the same time. by the time i posted the everybody is trans HP fic I was anticipating nasty comments so I turned comment moderation on for that fic.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes. in the past I would include it (and hate writing it) because I thought you had to, but these days I only write it when I feel like it. more often than not it's some kind of character moment rather than a horny thing, though I do usually try to approach the smut writing from the angle of 'what would this character enjoy about having sex with this other character? what are their focus points? what are they horny for? what are their coherence levels? what are their sensitivities? how well do they know their own body? their partner's body? how do they communicate? etc. etc.' you'd think that leads to some very unsexy smut writing but if i'm honest i think those bits of writing actually wound up being both the horniest writing i've ever done AND the most true to character (according to my interpretation of the characters anyway).

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

a few - crossovers don't hold a lot of appeal for me in general, so when I've done crossovers there's usually been a 'what if?' spark that set if off.

aforementioned how to become a superhero fic, Avengers/Batman crossover, in which Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are longtime friends.

it's pure filth that i hide (time for genocide) - Volstovic Cycle/Pacific Rim crossover (or possibly just fusion?). Volstovic Cycle characters pilot jaegers and fight kaijus, no pacrim characters appear.

Dragons - Volstovic Cycle/Harry Potter crossover (...or...fusion?) I can never remember the difference between crossovers and fusions. Harry Potter characters ride dragons á la Volstovic Cycle, no Volstovic Cycle characters appear.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! the full list of translations (and podfics) of my fics is here. I've had fics translated into Russian and German.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes. @palavapeite mentioned this but we co-wrote an absolute deranged behemoth of a 'social media' fic (really, it was a 'livejournal' fic, but same difference) back in like 2008/2009 and it was honest to god some of the best fun I've ever had writing something and also, it was a work of ART.

I have since participated in fests like big bangs and reverse big bangs where I've written or made art, which is not quite the same as co-writing. I once ran a collab fest where I co-created a comic with three friends, which we cowrote and each drew various bits for, which was a lot of fun. and! with @gkkri we co-wrote (and illustrated) a R/S fic (but really it was a Sirius & Regulus fic in R/S disguise) back in 2017 as our last hurrah to the Remus/Sirius fandom as we were both feeling like we hadn't anything left to say for this ship and let me tell you, that co-writing process was like a dream and I'm still really proud of what we made.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I don't have one??? I'm a multifandom person, I enjoy a LOT of ships for various reasons and I don't think I have an all time favourite? some ships I cycle back to over time and some ships I never even write for, just read a shitton for. like I enjoy Steve/Tony still even though I haven't written any fic for them in over a decade? and I mean, despite my misgivings about JKR and general HP fatigue, I will never not love Remus/Sirius. and so on and so forth. the beauty of fandom is that there are so many great characters and dynamics out there to love

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

er, wellllllll there's this one Matt/Foggy wip languishing in my gdocs drive that I'm not convinced I will ever finish, but I really want to. I'll cycle back to it eventually probably. I also have this one Space AU for Caius/Al that I have officially abandoned, but I still think about it!! and yet!! that wip is probably approaching a decade old at this point. I don't know man.

I only have one active fanfic wip atm and that is my current Afdeling Q wip and I WILL finish it, I swear to everything that is beautiful in this world.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I have a lot of strengths and I'm not too humble to admit it, but I think my number one strength these days is that I Do Not Care what other people think anymore, I will write whatever I damn well please, the way I want to. if other people like it: great! if they don't: okay!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot sjkdgkfljsgd especially of the crime solving variety. I will never ever be a crime fiction writer. I'm also not great with action-type of plots because....well, I like reading plotty stuff but when I'm writing? I don't care, I just care about my characters and their dynamics and arcs and development and I will hang it on the thinnest scaffolding possible I can get away with to make the story go.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

the kind of another-language-dialogue i see in fic most often seems to be weirdly pointless or out of character, just dropped in (usually by a monolingual English speaker) who thinks it adds flavour to the character, when really, that character has never once in canon slipped into their other language in dialogue. because, well, most multilingual people don't? speaking as a multilingual person I'm far more likely to say something like 'shit what is that called in English' than just say the word in Danish. i mean, tell me you don't understand codeswitching without telling me you don't understand codeswitching.

as a counterpoint to this actually i read a Buck/Eddie fic the other day where Eddie had lines in Spanish, and that I had no issue with because a) he speaks Spanish in the canon b) with his family 3) who also speak Spanish. in the fic he spoke Spanish with his family, who also had lines in Spanish. that author did kindly provide translations but tbh I didn't check the translations because the other thing about this fic was, it was clear from context what was being said without the translations because the dialogue followed canon-levels in this regard.

generally though, my preference would be for the tried and tested "A line of dialogue here," said character A, in Language. "The dialogue continues." it gets the point across.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

band RPF. before that I was writing fanfiction without knowing it was fanfiction or what fandom was, for stuff that Didn't End The Way I Wanted It To or similar. but first actual fandom writing? band RPF. it's backed up on a secondary ao3 account now, but this shit was first posted on forums and livejournal a billion years ago.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

listen. 224 fics written (that I know of, because the heavens only know what's been lost to the sands of time at this point) and you want me to pick ONE favourite? absolutely fucking not. also, recency bias is a thing.

i don't know man. let me pick at random:

Of Gilded Wallpaper and Meddling Dragons - Temeraire, 5,068 words

No Archive Warnings Apply, William Laurence/Tenzing Tharkay, William Laurence, Tenzing Tharkay, Temeraire, John Granby, Iskierka Augustine Little, Romance, Fluff and Humor, dragons being dragons, bisexual awakening, agony aunt!granby, an excessive amount of gilded wallpaper, laurence blames the weather for his being hot and bothered, Laurence POV, tharkay brings sexy back

Summary: Laurence and Temeraire have been living with Tharkay for a scant two weeks when Laurence sends Granby a letter that essentially boils down to hi John how did you know you're gay also plz help I am in trouble.

5. animal crossing picrew

I was tagged by @dejlige-dage !

i have never played animal crossing but this was fun

i am tagging: YOU. if you've read this, you're tagged.

#memes

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