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stil-lindigo · 10 days

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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

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outcastxd · 2 years

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— FULL NAME: ella georgiana colmstoke. — BIRTHDATE / AGE: 1965. as of 1986: 21. as of 2022: 57. — SPECIES: human. — OCCUPATION: none as of the moment. — FACE CLAIM: daisy ridley. — DEFAULT VERSE: stranger things. — ALT VERSE(S):

— BIOGRAPHY: mentions of: heroin use, drug overdose, depressive and suicidal thoughts.

ella georgiana colmstoke is the youngest daughter of her family; having three brothers in front of her (1956, 1960, 1964). she was born and raised in kensington (1966), where her family’s lavish manor is located. her eldest brother was the model child, her middle brother was the brainy one, while her third brother was ever-so-slightly rebellious. she grew up in a loving home, well-educated and entered into the more elite circles of society as their status would more than comfortably allow.

late in the summer of 1979, her eldest brother was going for a drive one evening, when he was run straight off the road. impacting with the trunk of a tree, he died on impact. the entire family was absolutely shattered. somehow, most of them managed to pick up and move on, but not ella. ella took it the hardest. as time passed, she began to withdraw. from family, friends, even school.

as she was just about to turn 16, things took a darker turn. she would be discovered by her now eldest brother, in her bathroom, doped up on her newest hobby, drugs. he didn’t say anything to their parents, but he warned her that if she continued, they would be told. he thought the warning would be enough. ella continued on her downward spiral for two more years. before everything came to a head. in her 18th year, ella would attempt to overdose on heroin.

and very, very nearly succeeded. the housekeeper discovered her. she was rushed to hospital where they managed to save her life. ella was distraught, because she hadn’t died. her brothers pitied her, but her parents were absolutely mortified. she had family, distantly, in the states. it was decided without her permission that she would be sent there to break the shell she had wound herself in.

ella moved to the town of hawkins, indiana to live with her aunt, uncle, and four cousins. all that was expected of her was to keep away from the drugs. the family was nice enough, but she felt outcast from her own. she grew tired of the expectations laid upon her, the life she lived and the family she believed to hate her. ella still misses her brother, battling her inner demons, not wanting anything else but peace. by whatever means she can scrape it up.

#drug overdose cw #tw: drug overdose #drugs cw #tw: drugs #depressive thoughts cw #tw: depressive thoughts #suicidial thoughts cw #tw: suicidal thoughts

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lostmf · 8 months

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candy-colored-misery · 9 months

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i think im just meant to be this hollow thing forever

#candy colored misery #venting #ventcore #tw depression #cw depressive thoughts #cas's thoughts

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youraverageventblog · 3 months

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They’re going to leave me as soon as they see the extent of my mental illness

#vent blog #tw vent #tw depressing thoughts #bpd vent #bpd #cw depression #actually bpd #mentally fucked #tw bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #mentally unstable

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risustravelogue · 6 months

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In the psychiatrist's waiting room and thinking about Wriothesley finally finding out what your regular visits to the surface is all about.

cw. mental health issues, specifically bipolar II disorder. contains heavy lore of my s/i (f!reader, she/her pronouns used).

You've told Wriothesley during your job interview that you'd require once-a-month visits to the surface if he were to employ you. He agreed without prying further, much to your relief.

Sigewinne had known from the start, of course—it's her duty to know everything about the people in her care, after all. Yet, she passed your files over to the Duke anyway, because she knew he'd grant you, the most excellent apprentice of Estelle's, this small relief. The only thing she told him was "she needs to maintain her health, but it's out of the scope of my knowledge of human well-being."

He'd lie if he said he wasn't curious about Sigewinne's words, but his need of a mechanic to maintain and improve his gauntlets was greater. And so he stayed out of the issue... until he decides to confess his attraction for you.

He doesn't even try persuading Sigewinne to tell him about your issues, knowing how strict she is with doctor-patient confidentiality. So after a few private investigations, he decides to go straight to the source.

That afternoon, he welcomes you to his office. He sits on his desk with the sound of soft piano—your favorite piece—flowing from his gramophone.

"I need to talk about your monthly visits to the surface," he says, and your gaze goes downward to your shifting feet, your fingers fidgeting behind your back.

Sensing your nervous energy, he smiles and says, "Relax. I'm not going to fire you or anything like that. A small issue like this won't affect what I think about you."

You chuckle derisively. "That's what they all say before rejecting my job application," you say. "And it's not exactly a 'small' issue. It affects everything you know about me."

"Try me," he says, sipping his tea. "Please."

"... I guess you're going to find out sooner or later..." you mumble. You inhale and exhale, your breath trembling in fear of being rejected by him.

"I have... depression. Specifically, bipolar two disorder. That's why I seem more irritable some days and like I've lost interest in everything on others," you blurt out. "I've been on both medication and counseling, so it doesn't stand out too much anymore, but it still gets in the way of my work sometimes. That's why I need to visit my doctor on the surface once a month. Believe me when I said this is not the worst I've been—"

You stop speaking when you realize that your boss is staring at you in sympathy.

"I—I'm sorry. For rambling," you mutter.

"No, no," he says with a sigh. "If anything, I'm sorry for not asking sooner."

"Sure... well. Are you still not going to fire me?" you ask bluntly.

Wriothesley's eyes soften.

"No. Why would I? I love you."

"... What?"

"I love you," he repeats as he steps closer to you. Your heart beats loud and fast from the adrenaline, thoughts racing through your head: screw this, screw everything, if I'm going to lose him, might as well be now—

"I... I don't... My ex dumped me when I told him this," you ramble, tears welling up in your eyes. "You– you're sure? You don't... see me as someone problematic? You don't... hate me?"

His fingers rest on your chin as he lifts your face. You instinctively gasp and close your eyes at his touch, only to feel his soft, warm lips meeting yours in a chaste kiss.

"I'm glad you're able to be honest with me," he says against your lips. His breath smells like the tea he just sipped, and somehow it's so intoxicating this way—

"I love you," he says again, his icy blue eyes now gazing softly into yours. "And I don't mind being a place for you to rest, your home in this foreign country. Will you allow me to be such?"

"Y– you would?" you stutter, the good kind of disbelief flooding your chest with warmth. "I... would love for you to be my home," you say with a grin. "I love you, too."

"Good," he breathes, his arms pulling your body flush against his. You feel your worries melt away as he kisses you in his embrace.

"Very good... my love."

#astronetwrk #wriothesley #wriothesley genshin #wriothesley x reader #wriothesley x you #wriothesley fluff #genshin fluff #genshin impact fluff #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x you #cw depression #cw bipolar #kurisu's thoughts #kurisu writes #wrisu #uhuh yep another waiting room thought hehe

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podcast-hemocytoblast · 8 months

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I think something that often gets overlooked about the Lonely is that it isn’t just the fear of being rejected, abandoned, and unloved.

It is that, but it’s also the heavy sense of dread that settles in your bones when you realize that whatever danger you’re in, you have to deal with it on your own. It’s the realization that no one is around to hear you scream and that no one is coming to save you. It’s the feeling of calling emergency services (911, 119, etc.) and asking the operator when help is coming, only to be told that no one is coming, because they’re all tied up on other calls right now, so it may be another hour or so before anyone gets to you. It’s the visceral terror you feel when you finally realize that the help you need is never going to come, or if it does, they won’t be there until it’s already too late for you. It’s realizing that you’ll never see your loved ones again, and wondering if anyone will ever find your body, if anyone is going to care that you’re gone, if anyone is ever going to find out what happened to you, if anyone is even going to realize that you’re dead.

#tma #the magnus archives #tma lonely #the lonely tma #the lonely #cw death #cw isolation #cw depressive thoughts #ask to tag #i feel like the lonely gets sort of watered down a lot and tends to be portrayed as depressing or tragic but not really horrific #and it’s not necessarily bad but i just think there tends to be a lot of missed potential in depictions/descriptions of the lonely #maybe it’s just bc i’m schizoid af so i don’t really think of isolation the same way that other people do #in the sense that a lot of the things other people find unpleasant/scary about being alone….just sound kind of nice to me tbh #idk.

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lostmf · 8 months

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I wish I could stop counting every bite ..

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candy-colored-misery · 7 months

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"my soul aches for something better than this."

2023 journal entry, from me.

#cas's thoughts #candy colored misery #venting #cw depression #cw depressive thoughts #depressing quotes #mentally tired #actually mentally ill #tw sui implied #vent tag #vent post

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youraverageventblog · 8 months

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Theres nothing more disturbing than being self aware while you have severe mental illness. Like I’ll be breaking down, bleeding out, about to off myself and then remember that normal people don’t do this shit and any sane person would go to the damn hospital.

#bpd #tw depressing thoughts #tw vent #vent blog #bpd vent #actually bpd #cw depression #self h@rm #self mutalition #s3lf mutilation #self h@te #self mutilator #body mutilation #tw mutilation #mentally unstable #mentally fucked #vent

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zerosugarcookie · 18 days

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I really wish I was dead

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dxiifut · 1 month

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TW:SH🎀

Block Don't report

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artsyebonyrose · 11 months

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"it is so worth it, sticking out" are words i personally really needed to hear as of recently.

(mini personal chat under the readmore, vaguely going into depression/sui thoughts so pls don't read if you're not able to <3)

i felt that stream so deep in my bones. to keep it brief, the last three years i've been having Bad Thoughts pop up at various points to varying degrees, and this year i got it the worse it's ever been. i've finally come to the end of my three year uni course, and it's left me feeling this sick and awful dread that once it ends, so does my life. from january to march i was unable to work, just played nitw and felt like a husk, or crying. then i tried to pull myself out of it, and by early april i'd already fallen back in. its such an all consuming thing, and the Bad Thoughts have been daily. i've only just started poking my head back up mid may because i became obsessed with resident evil (lol) which has aided in distracting my mind.

what i'm trying to say is, what was discussed and said in today's stream resonated with me very deeply. and it's awful to see another person in a similar harrowing position. i don't know how to get better yet, but i'm going to try. and i hope you all are able to get better too. you deserve to!

and aimsey if you happen to read this, thank you for being here. thank you for staying. the world needs you in it.

nothing can take you down 💜

#cw depression #cw sui mention #? i tried to be vague but i'm still gonna tag #cw sui thoughts #aimsey #aimseytv #aimsey art #aimsey fanart #fanart #art #purple #artsyebonyrose art #got a little personal here and i might regret it later but #i'm okay with it for right now #take care of yourselves everyone. please <3 #it'll be ok

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