#i heard he actually has bipolar disorder or bpd

[shjayd]

1st post not via iPhone 🤨

ok... i'm typing this from my laptop. i like you enough to download you to my laptop, Tumblr! 😉 i don't think i can even edit any of my font or anything, so that part sucks (if in reality i can't), so i'd say app via iPhone > Windows when it comes to you, #TUMBLR <- idk if that will even tag in the middle of my post/only at the end.

GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.

previous text complaint: taken back

it's time to get this started ⌚ i heard about you from the Netflix true-crime documentary, Hotel Cecil or w/e, & the thought of posting my thoughts like a social journal (among some other things I've ran across or made self - i like to do calligraphy and hand lettering. i've became creative AFTER getting clean AFTER getting pregnant with my daughter. i always was, i guess the drugs took that part of my imagination away? i'm also obsessed with astrology. if you ask me, i'm a professional astrologer 🔮🌙✨..🤥🫤😤

Taurus Sun, Taurus Moon, and Rising Gemini... i know. a SCARY, yet BEAUTIFUL mEsS. ❤️‍🩹 i'm also very educated in mental health. from personally, to genetics, family and friends, to past work experience. i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) after my HORRIFYING encounter with Post-Partum Depression, PPD, (although i've most likely suffered from my BPD since a very young age. my mother and brothers who lived with me all of my life would agree). i just never took, nor wanted to take, what my mom and family dr. told me a/b therapists & referrals to psychiatrists anywhere near serious. i honestly thought everyone felt/acted the way i did with both my lowest of lows & highest of highs 🤯… to me, it was always “this is what everyone has to go through. this is life. this is life… everyday”.

i'm a twin, my mother & i are as close as they come (it’s scary b/c I know she won’t be here forever, & both my daughter i I NEED her. forever). her EVER leaving us is another thing I refuse to even think a/b. NEXT SUBJECT;

yes, DADDY ISSUES 🙄 i was the wildest teenager into my late 20s. that was all until i FINALLY realized my self-worth & left my toxic, to say the LEAST, ex-gf, FOR GOOD, & ended up with my life-long best friend's brother, who i've been close, actually very close with, ever since i met his sister when we were ~10-years-old. he saved me. then our daughter came at the most perfect time to save us, as we started to go down that path holding hands. i'm DEF. not going to go into depth, y'all would drown, if you haven’t already.

*the specifics are overrated with no existing relevant meanings here*

i've been on this Earth for ✨almost✨ thirty whole fucking years. yes, i typed out the word, b/c I now have this BURSTING animosity for the number 3, however, 4 is mine. my best best friend is a 2-year-old, teeny chonk, only 2 years old, more dramatic than me, sassy-ass, genius COVID baby. (she was conceived in 2019, so, that was... a.. normal different?) she's 28, ✨ALMOST✨ 29-months-old. her name isn't important, so I'll just refer to her as 'quack'.. 🦆

..............🥰🥰🥰

we live together with her daddy - minez first 🏃🏼‍♀️🥇😂 - my other best friend. (〃￣︶￣)人(￣︶￣〃) •i also enjoy: "adult" coloring books, THC, journaling, Amazon Prime, the little things, elephants, my vape, bullet journaling, bellly laughing, my dishwasher, baby clothes, wood-burning, doodling, Hulu, ACKNOWLEDGMENT, roses WITH sunflowers 🌹🌻, ORCHIDS, my desk, ear-buds, Aaron Hernandez, my little space on earth instead of the internet - my desk & sketchbook, & ANYTHING organizational/cleaning... •i dislike: Scorpios, fantasy movies/series like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones - sorry, not sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️ - shitty parents, mornings, Karens, uppers, Instagram, judgmental humans, my fingernails when they aren't done, & typos. I have a love/hate relationship with Pisces, both male & female 🐠 i'm as blunt & unfiltered as they come. oh, & you can't hurt my feelings (a big s/o to my past traumas). i'm.. an opened, closed book... if that makes any sense to you? now go ahead & try to break down my walls to get to know the real me! i’m the best friend you could ever have! 🤞🏼😸🥳 OKAY! that's enough for now. follow me, & let's get to learn more about e/o & our little spaces on the internet. if you've made it this far 🙂 i'm going to stfu now. (didn’t lie a/b a thing. told you i tend to start rambling. bad.)

• i want to leave you all something pretty to look @ as a preview of what this journey entails💭

#newbie #hello new people #happy new year #journal #journaling #journal ideas #journaling inspiration #journaling junkie #doodles #doodle brain #sketchbook #cannamom #cannacommunity #astrology #nice to meet you

[shrivinglust]

peter.....

#god... #i really hope he dont think himself so seriously #i heard he actually has bipolar disorder or bpd #idfk #but #peter steele #type o negative

[nogoinghomegame]

Do you think Liam could have type 2 bipolar disorder?

My birth grandfather had it, and sometimes seeing how Liam acts reminds me of of him. And it'd explain why Paul and Bonehead both seem to look out for Liam a lot.

I think Liam could a have multiple health issues, and there is evidence to suggest he does. Firstly, Liam has Hashimoto's Disease, he has hay fever, he has psoriasis (skin condition) and as a baby he suffered with Eczema for a couple of months. He also has Arthritis in his hips, a painful condition which has caused to no longer be able to run on his daily walks. The Arthritis also causes pain his calves which probably attributes to his ability to no longer be able to jog.

Liam has also suggested he may have ADHD:

Many fans believe that Liam is neurodivergent. Me and @cancellablex seem to agree on that he might Autism, and I've heard Jeevey talk about him having ADHD and sensory issues. I've also wondered whether Liam has BPD! It might explain his intense and unstable relationship towards Noel. It might also be able to explain his ability to not be able to maintain steady relationships.

About Liam having Bipolar disorder;

I mean? This just screams Liam to me...

1. Liam always wants to do everything. He never gives himself a break and this evident when he was forced to leave Oasis and he went straight into Beady Eye (literally hours after the split). It is also seen in how he had gotten a break except for in the four years after Beady Eye. He was also the last one to leave the studio. I assume he had all these ideas but he could never express himself, so that is where the anger comes in.

2. The exaggerated self confidence. Yes. That is our Liam. But this isn't necessarily all we see about Liam. Yes, he has this confidence but I think it is just something he hides behind. There are multiple sources concerning Liam where he seems to actually have low self esteem and is generally insecure about his place in the world. Not to mention an arcticle where he was too "depressed and anxious" to attend a child support meeting about Gemma.

3. If you watch one interview, or lots, Liam is almost certainly always either interrupting the interview or interrupting Noel. This is evident in the "Ten Years of Noise and Confusion" interview with them together in 2005. Sometimes Noel is able to speak, but generally Liam is talking, talking, talking, and seems to confuse himself with what he says. This could be a part of the ADHD, as well.

4. Liam doesn't sleep well. We know this! He seems to have no trouble admitting this on hus Twitter platform and is always up either 5am and 6am. 8am is a sleep-in for Liam. I've seen the hyperactivity on full show throughout their Oasis days. Liam took medication when he was a child that made him the calmest he had ever been. But, unfortunately his father used that money for drugs. He was also nearly sent to a school for children with different support needs so he could do more outdoor activities.

I suppose we'll never know, but the evidence is up.

#liam gallagher #ask #adhd #bpd #bipolar disorder #autism

[crazycoke-addict]

Shallon Lester needs to be held accountable

If you’re wondering who she is. Shallon Lester is a YouTuber who makes videos of celebrities whether it be relationships or other stuff in general. She’s also MTV personality and may have connection with some celebrities but not all. I discovered Shallon when a video was recommended for me and it was about the Khloe/Tristan/Jordyn that went down last year. She talks about how Khloe should’ve been aware whom she was dating and how the kardashians treated Jordyn wasn’t ok. I didn’t watch the whole video because she began degrading Jordyn Woods. I can’t remember the exact thing she said but it was basically Khloe is the beautiful one like Jordyn is not. I see this as being racist.

Khloe has done a lot of surgery on herself from her face to her butt even she denies it, it’s clear that she has done surgery. Jordyn however it doesn’t seem like she has ever done any surgery on herself just lost weight naturally. The kardashians and also the Jenners are known for profiting off of black culture and they are obsessed to look like a black woman. They deny this but there’s so many proof like how Kim uses a foundation that doesn’t match her skin tone. They are blackfishing and people like Shallon see them as ‘beautiful’ and even praise them but degrade and hate on a real black woman who has all these features that the kardashians and other white insta models are trying to steal. Because of white supremacy Black girls were taught not to love themselves and their mind were poisoned into believing that European beauty standards was better. Flash forward to today and you got white girls pretending to be a black Woman for clout and get likes and followers.

I didn’t watch any of her other videos because she didn’t really peak my interest and especially after that video she made that I mentioned. A video that she made was recommended to me again and it was about why Scott Disick shouldn’t be dating Sofia Richie. She basically goes into detail as many people have said about why this relationship isn’t going to work out. The age difference, Sofia is 21 while Scott is 36 so there’s a 15 year gap between them, Scott has three kids with another woman and she mentioned his past. To be honest I don’t care much about age difference as long as both parties are in legal age and it’s consent. I find the relationship between Scott and Sofia not problematic as many trying to make it out like. He doesn’t drink that much as he used to and it seems like he cleaned up his act because of her. I don’t think Sofia pushed to change him, but I do think she’s the reason along with his kids he decided to get his shit together. Although girls that are Sofia’s age are still trying to figure out everything and relationship with older man can go different ways until they look back and realise there were a lot of red flags. There are girls like Sofia are actually mature for her age and they know it too. One of the celebrity couples I’ll give an example is Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. When they met each other, Humphrey was 45 and Lauren was 19. The way Lauren carries herself shows that she’s mature person for someone her age. Although the age difference is quite big, the two got married, had two kids and stayed married until bogart’s death in 1957. So it can work for some but not all.

Many would agree on Shallon when talking about the age difference but she comes off as hypocritical. She doesn’t agree with an older man dating a younger woman but is ok with an older woman dating a younger man. Her defense was younger women become sexually traumatised but apparently younger men aren’t going to share the same experience. This becomes more uncomfortable when funding out that she made tweets about Justin Bieber about having sex dreams with him in it. The tweet that was made in 2010, she was 25 and he was only 16. Why is a 25 year old woman tweeting on having sex dreams about a child. It’s creepy and disgusting.

When she talks about certain celebrities or even certain topics, majority of the time she acts like she knows what she’s talking about. It’s the way she says make you believe that everything she said 100% accurate to the point where it feels like she’s manipulating you. It seems like she considers herself as a physiology and has even try to diagnose celebrities based on what she has heard despite not being accurate. Her latest video is about Ellen DeGeneres and how to spot a psychopath. In video, she goes straight to Ellen and her marriage with Porsche by saying that Ellen was mean to her wife and refused to give her a baby. She says this is allegedly as what she has heard, but Portia on other hand said she doesn’t mind not having kids. The way she tries to self-diagnosis Ellen to see if she has psychopaths tendency and even try to compare Ellen to Adolf Hitler because they both love animals. I love animals does that mean I’m Hitler. It’s so weird and just ridiculous.

She tackles on another serious topic like Mental Health and suicide by making video about Pete Davidson. The video is titled “Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson: how beta males manipulate women”. There was certain time when Pete wasn’t in a good place. He deleted all of his social media accounts but before doing that he wrote a statement which appear to be a suicide note. Everyone was worried about his well-being. Pete has been about his mental health issues and how he suffers from Borderline Personallty Disorder and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. Shallon doesn’t like Pete because he’s not doing anything to fix his mental disorder. What Shallon is doing is victim-blaming and very insensitive as well. You can’t be fix in way as what she is implying there’s no cure for mental health. The only that Pete can do is seek treatment. People with BPD can get treatment but it’s not something that can be cured. She talked about where Pete did an interview with Charlemagne the god. It doesn’t seem like she even watched the video, because she sees Pete going to rehab or getting help in order to get more drugs. She also thinks that people suffering from BPD can’t seek treatment because it’s not something you can get treated because it’s part of your personality. This is so ignorant and incredibly harmful.

She mentions how in the interview Pete Davidson says he use to cut himself and how Charlemagne didn’t asked them in that when he actually did which shows that she didn’t watch the video at all. She also doesn’t think he goes to therapy when he actually does. Like she did with the Ellen DeGeneres video, she thinks him having bipolar disorder and even BPD is connected to his mother and sister. Like something bad happened in the family household. He lost his father due to 9/11 so he probably suffered from loss and trauma, But it’s not the way she’s implying at all. It’s like she’s saying he can’t have good and stable relationship with his mum and sister because he has a mental disorder. The way she talks about Pete shows how much she hates men who talk about their mental health issues. She is one of the reasons on why men have a hard time expressing their emotions and deciding to mental disorder they suffer from because it’s people like her whom are going shunned them and even said that they don’t deserve any love and happiness.

She also hates Selena Gomez and even calls Selena her “mortal enemy” even though Selena probably doesn’t know who she is. Her hatred towards Selena has to be an extend of her being attracted to Justin Bieber when he was 16. She says that she could help Selena and whatever issues that she’s battling but doesn’t want to because ‘Selena is annoying’. Imagine you going to therapy and telling your therapist how you been feeling and they says ‘I would love to help you but your annoying’. She says that if Selena dies from overdose than it’s our fault for not holding her accountable and says that Selena isn’t going to make it to 27. Her dying gets better. Which is completely disgusting and just insensitive. She says that Selena has bad tattoos and even though one of her tattoos is a semicolon that is located on her wrist. The semicolon actually means something very important which is a solidarity against suicide, depression and other mental health issues.

Overall Shallon Lester is a horrible white woman who doesn’t know what she’s talking about spreads false lies on people and does the harmful by trying to diagnose a person because you just don’t like them.

#shallon lester #mental health #selena gomez #pete davidson #insensitive #pedophillia #fake diagnosis #Youtube

[transvegansurvivor]

New Diagnoses

Well, I saw my new psychiatric nurse practitioner and I really liked her! She adjusted my meds in a way that seems to really make sense. She also diagnosed me with some things I knew I had and some that I was surprised about. The ones I already knew about were anxiety and PTSD.

The ones I was surprised by were bipolar and OCD and maybe borderline personality disorder. 

Bipolar actually makes a lot of sense. I can’t take antidepressants without mood stabilizers and my depression is very cyclical. My birthmother also has bipolar. I believe I have hypomania, so it is harder to detect and honestly feels good anyway.

The OCD makes a bit of sense too. It is mild, so I don’t really care to treat it right now. But I’ve had “quirks” my whole life that I now understand are compulsions. It also feeds into my eating disorder, which is typical. 

I’m not so sure about BPD. I have some of the symptoms, but not others. I am very sensitive--always have been, afraid of abandonment (who isn’t though), I act impulsively in self-destructive ways, like spending too much or binging. I definitely feel empty all the time and I struggle with dissociation a lot. I also used to self-harm and still have the urges and I’ve been hospitalized for suicide attempts or ideation four times. I also cut people off at the drop of a hat, which I learned may be part of “splitting”, though I’m not sure about that one. 

I don’t know about volatile relationships. Since my divorce, I have been so afraid of intimacy that I rarely get into a relationship and run when anybody gets close to me. 

My self-image is definitely hard to pin down, but I am trans and that seems to be a fairly common trans (esp. nonbinary) occurrence.

My emotions are pretty stable, though very cyclical. Unless something happens. Like, my brother once told me he was mad at me and wouldn’t tell me why and I cried hysterically for hours because of it.

I do not have explosive anger. In fact, I’m very afraid of anger and can’t feel it. So I don’t lash out at people at all. 

So I don’t know. I’m pretty afraid of getting a BPD diagnosis. I have heard that it can be hard to get a therapist when you have BPD. 

We are going to talk about it at our next appointment in two weeks. I am supposed to look at a handout she gave me and think about it for now, so that’s what I’m trying to do. It is confusing though. 

#bpd #ptsd #actuallyptsd #ocd #actuallyocd #anxiety #psychiatric nurse practitioner #meds #actuallybpd #bipolar #actuallybipolar #personal #just talking things out #but feel free to give any advice you may have

[fma2003-fmab-stuff]

I could see Envy having Borderline Personality Disorder, honestly, rather than Ed. I think someone did a post on that.

Well, I mainly said I could see Ed with it in 2003, not as much in Brotherhood. But since you mention Envy, both Ed and Envy have severe abandonment issues and hate Hohenheim more than Al. Forgive me if this is illegible, it’s past midnight and I should be in bed right now. But I’m going to try to explain this the best I can while putting in some of my own experiences. But I honestly, as somebody who actually has Borderline Personality disorder, I relate heavily to Ed in many ways.Since there has indeed been a post devoted to Envy about this, I will do one for Ed, by going over the 9 symptoms.  Al definitely inhibits some of these traits too, but this is about Ed, so the focus will be solely on him.Borderline Personality Disorder often forms due to lack of stable parenting and unstable family situations(At least mine certainly did). Think about it, Ed lost his mother at an early age and his father abandoned him at an even earlier age, something he has deeply resented and held onto for years ever since he was a child, on top of learning that Winry’s parents, who were also like family to him as well, were killed in the war. The majority of the closest people he had in his life either turned their back on him or died. And believe me, this crap can seriously screw up a child. (This is coming from somebody whose dad was rarely ever around and died when I was literally 9. due to my lack of father and father figure in my life, and my over-half-the-time-unsupportive-mother alongside the unstable family situation and fighting(don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and grandmother as well as my brother and sister and wouldn’t want to lose them under any circumstances, but the whole family situation was just crazy). I have huge issues with growing attached to people, yet other times I grow TOO attached, and trust me, it’s hell.) So to start off, I’ll point out this scene that takes place before Trisha dies and before he finds out Winry’s parents died.

I feel this a lot. I don’t remember my dad all that well, and I certainly don’t really know what to think of him in the end. (Additionally, I recently found out some really bad things about him and his criminal record and I honestly don’t know what to feel. I feel kind of conflicted but I don’t really think much of it in the end. More so, despite the trouble and conflicts I have with my mom (which honestly sometimes reminds me of Envy’s situation with Dante at times), I still love her very much and I can tell that she has suffered a lot because of the men that have been in her life, my dad included and honestly, I always find myself wishing that she could just find happiness. Ed feels much the same with just wanting his mom to be happy. However, I refUSE to believe that that is all Ed cared about. There’s no way he never once wondered “How different could things have turned out if my father hadn’t left?” or “Because of him leaving, me and Al had to live and grow up without a father.” or “I wish he was around to be there for us” because those are pretty much my own thoughts every single day. I blame his absence in my own life for how I turned out and why I often feel so lonely and out of place despite being surrounded by so many people who care, and why I have so many issues with those around me, why I have trouble trusting others and building NORMAL, stable and healthy relationships.

Trisha isn’t the only one that was suffering, Ed was too. He had to look after Al and take on a much heavier role than he should have had to at his age because of Hohenheim’s abandonment. And when you think about it, Ed’s words to Rose  (who also had no parents around btw and was barely older than him) may have seemed harsh at the time, but Ed was saying that to her that from his own experience. And maybe it’s contributed to by my autism as well, but personally, comforting people is not something I am qualified to do in any way shape or form. And Ed is not good at consoling people, just as he isn’t good at outsourcing either, both of which can be caused by, once again, an unstable upbringing.

With all of that said, I should get to the criteria to qualify as Borderline Personality Disorder:

-  Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

In 2003, because Al is one of the only constants in his life that was with him through his mother’s death, and everything else Ed has been through, Ed has an almost codependent attachment level to Al to the point, he didn’t even want to live without him in the end of the series, which was why Ed did what he did. And even when Al chooses to go spend the night with Hohenheim instead of Ed... You can see the look of betrayal in Ed’s face.

This constant loss and fear of abandonment, though, is yet another reason that Nina’s death seems to hit Ed even harder than Al. Given that she had become like a sister to him. Another thing that often happens is that people with BPD will often put themselves in situations or relationships or bonds that will inevitably cause the person to relive betrayal, loss, or 

- Unstable relationships

Ever noticed how rocky the bond between Ed and Roy is and how much conflict they have? Or how Ed will go from decently respecting Roy or not minding him and getting along with him to absolutely hating his guts within an instant, how sometimes there is no in between? (Which actually reminds me so much of the rocky “love hate” thing I had for one of my teachers, I really hated her a lot of times, but other times, I admired her as much as I resented it, I really couldn’t get a genuine grip on what I felt towards her a lot of times and I often thought she was just intentionally trying to piss me off, whether or not she actually was).  What about how Ed growing attached to Izumi as a sort of surrogate mother figure, who was dying from her condition just like Trisha had slowly died from her condition? Half the relationships Ed ends up building becomes tragic in the end. And then there’s Hughes, who was obviously meant to be a father figure to Ed and Al. And honestly that’s something else I’d like to bring up. Once again, due to the lack of stable parents in my life, I often try to find father figures and mother figures in people who I like even when it’s inappropriate (embarrassingly enough that teacher I said I hated? Kind of like how Roy is a parental figure to Ed? Or how important Hughes was to Ed and Al.). This is even hinted at with not only Izumi, but also Ross, when she hugs him and he says this: 

In my own case, I look to others to replace what I’ve lost in my life or never had the chance to have. And parental figures is a big one for Ed whether or not the show outright says it or not (although Izumi herself does outright say that she doesn’t want to lose anymore of her “babies” while thinking about Ed and Al, and she literally looked after Ed and Al for a fair amount of their childhood, so I think it’s pretty obvious they see her the same.) And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that practically every significant older female and even some males Ed meets becomes like a parental figure to him. (Ross, Izumi, Pinako, Roy and even Riza to some extent, but in more of a distant way in 2003.)

- Unclear or shifting self-image

Ed’s image on himself tends to be unstable, but a lot of that is also from guilt he feels over Al, and those feelings only become worse when Nina dies and even further when he realizes what he created(Sloth), not to mention the state of Lior, as well as blaming himself when he finds out from Sheska that Hughes died. Even though Ed acts cocky sometimes, it’s clear he’s holding back so much lot of self-blame and guilt and it’s heartbreaking. He probably feels he doesn’t even deserve a home to go back to after Al ended up in that body. And there’s no telling how guilty he felt over Winry getting kidnapped. Many even speculate that that event is what causes Ed to begin to shut her out as much as he does.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.

While I don’t have too much to say on this, it weren’t for Al, Ed would have probably done something really stupid by now. Al is usually always the more rational one, while Ed is the one getting into fights, getting himself nearly killed on multiple occasions, getting his automail broken, and constantly ending up in the hospital. I could go on longer, but I don’t think it’s really necessary though, because we all know: He’s EDWARD ELRIC. We don’t even have to talk about how he tried to sacrifice himself twice for Al’s sake(of course that is kind of a brotherly thing and Ed being Ed I guess, but Al clearly wasn’t happy about it in the slightest. He nor Winry is happy about how impulsive Ed is sometimes, Ross DEFINITELY wasn’t)

Self-harm

It can’t really be said that this one applies to Ed in canon so I won’t discuss that one (although if anybody wants to say anything on it, feel free) (btw I heard that Russel had self-harmed in the novels, but I didn’t see anything about it even in past tense, so if somebody could clarify what that refers to or where it’s brought up, I’d greatly appreciate it)

- Extreme emotional swings

This is a symptom that many people confuse for Bipolar Disorder’s mood swings, and I definitely think it should be cleared up. So with Borderline Personality Disorder the mood swings are usually always caused by something and literally anything can set them off. Ever notice how intense Ed’s emotional reactions are vs Al who is usually the calmer of the two and tries to get Ed to calm down. In fact Ed is probably the most emotional character on the entire show imo. But unlike Bipolar, where the mood swings have to last at least several weeks and is more of a chemical imbalance thing, while the mood swings associated with Borderline can be momentary at least to even hours or more. Ed’s hateful and loud remarks towards Hohenheim, for  strikes me as Borderline. Because, for the majority of the series, Ed can’t let go of his hate. 

- Chronic feelings of emptiness.

I’m not gonna say too much on this, but Ed does indeed seem to experience a lot of hopelessness and depressive symptoms at points (even when he told Izumi he couldn’t bring himself to cry). 

- Explosive anger

Yeah, I dEFIniTELY don’t need to talk about that last one because it’s just wayyyy to obvious. Ed has a pretty damn SHORT temper. And even more so with Roy, Hohneheim and even Al at times. Things upset him and he sometimes takes it out on those around him.

-   Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. 

And that one goes more into paranoia, which I don’t have too much to say on except maybe(?) in Ed’s obvious cynicism and how negative and pessimistic he is at times, while Al often is the more optimistic one? But that doesn’t really go into that last one, even though it is something I myself deal with personally due to BPD.

One other symptom is black and white thinking: People are either on Ed’s side or against him, and Ed’s disliking of Clara/Psiren(who had lied to him and Al and betrayed their trust) vs Al’s open mindedness to the situation is an example of this, as well as Ed’s utter dehumanization of the homunculi at first. but this is something Ed largely overcomes by the end of the series. ALSO EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE IS A BIG BLACK AND WHITE THING, but that could also be seen more as an autistic thing (which I will maybe have an eventual autistic Ed post where I will go into more depth about that on there) so I guess I will leave that off for right now.

HOWEVER, Jupiter, since you did bring up Envy, I think that, once again, Envy has even deeper rooted symptoms. But unlike Edward, Envy never had a support network, which is why Ed is eventually able to put aside his hate for Hohneheim, while Envy never could. Envy is a character that is built as a foil or reflection for Ed. Envy is what Ed could have become had his hate been allowed to fester, if he hadn’t had moral support like Alphonse around. This is ESPECIALLY true specifically in 2003 since Ed is much darker and more morally gray by the end. Both Ed and Envy have BPD traits, but Edward didn’t let them consume him in the end. Envy did and that’s really the only difference here. Ed’s were more controlled while Envy’s were encouraged and breeded by Dante.

#fma #fma 2003 #fma 03 #Fullmetal Alchemist #edward elric #fullmetal alchemist 2003

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Do you guys have any fics where a male character has bipolar disorder? Thanks you so much!

Not very many. - Anastasia

Always a light at the end of the tunnel by mitchrvpp

(2/5 I 3,909 I Explicit I Sterek I MCD)

Beacon Hills Mental Institution was small, but just large enough to contain 150 residents maximum and a staff of doctors and nurses. And Stiles should have known that everyone in the institution would know that he was coming. Two nurses, both mid fifties, greet him as he passes them, huge smiles plastered on their faces. He could imagine what kind of rumors would have been circulating through the old building. ‘Have you heard about the new psychiatrist that is going to replace Finstock? Heard he’s only 31. Finally a young, male doctor. Was about time.’ Well, he didn’t actually imagine that. He couldn’t help but overhear when the nurses start talking again when they think he is out of earshot.

poor, poor love sick child by adelaidebabe (soulless_slut)

(1/4 I 8,407 I Teen I Sciles)

“He does it again, yelling at Lydia when she hasn’t done anything to really warrant it. She’s scared and logically he knows that he shouldn’t yell, shouldn’t be frustrated for whatever reason, but he can’t help it. If Lydia’s stumbling into dead bodies, she should alert them first, not the Sheriff’s department.

It’s like some switch just flips inside of him, and then when it’s over, he’s left feeling empty.

Horribly, horribly empty.”

or: that teen wolf au where stiles has bpd — even though it's actually canon.

#teen wolf #sterek #sciles #scott mccall #stiles stilinski #derek hale #major character death #insane asylum

[rockdaysandpoetry]

What is it about that song, Heart-shaped box ~ Nirvana

I googled the meaning of the song:

Google’s interpretation of the song:

Kurt Cobain, Nirvana's frontman and the song's author, claimed that this song was inspired by a television report of children suffering from cancer. However, many believe it was really written about his shaky but passionate relationship with his wife, Courtney Love. The lyrics do tend towards this latter interpretation, since they seem to concern themselves with an unstable romance between two individuals. It's worth noting that the lyrics mention Pisces and Cancer, Cobain's and Love's respective astrological signs. Love, after their second meeting sent a small heart-shaped box, containing, among other things, a doll's head, to his hotel room. This is believed to have inspired the song's title. Cobain and Love both shared a love and fascination of dolls.

The "Heart-Shaped Box" could be a reference to a uterus. The lyrics talk about the situation of an aborted fetus from the first-person viewpoint.

There are many possible interpretations for the "Heart-Shaped Box." It could be a box for Kurt's needles, an actual heart, or a box of love letters. There is no clear explanation, which was probably what Cobain had in mind.

According to the book Come As You Are by Michael Azerrad, the idea of the song came from Courtney Love when she presented Kurt with a heart-shaped box full of precious possessions. The song switches meanings between Kurt's feelings over Courtney and his feelings on how women are treated.

 My interpretation of the song:

As you might know or have heard of, there were speculations Kurt Cobain had Bipolar disorder, which is a mood disorder. During the beginning of the ’90s, to my knowledge, there wasn’t a clear difference in the Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2 type. So let me give you a brief explanation.

To be diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, one must have continuously mood switches going from mania, hypomania, and depression. (And a mixed episode). They moods must be present for at least 1 week and present every day, nearly all day long.

Manic Episodes:

During a manic episode, a person has a sustained and abnormally elevated, expansive, or irritable mood for at least one week, and at least three of the following symptoms:

Grandiosity or an inflated sense of self

Little need for sleep

Feeling pressured to speak, talking loudly and rapidly

Easily distracted

Engaging in multiple tasks at one time — more then can be realistically accomplished in one day

Engaging in risky behavior like gambling or unprotected sex

Racing thoughts

These symptoms are exaggerated and noted by family members and loved ones. They impair a person's ability to function at home, school, and/or work.

Hypomanic Episodes:

During a hypomanic episode, the symptoms of mania only needs to last four days in a row. The symptoms do not impair everyday functioning like they do in a manic episode, and they are not severe enough to necessitate hospitalization.

Major Depressive Episodes:

A major depressive episode must last at least two weeks and is characterized by either a severe sadness or feeling of hopelessness and/or a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that the person once enjoyed. Other symptoms that may occur in a major depressive episode include:

Feeling guilty

Sleeping problems, like too much or too little

Feeling agitated or alternatively, feeling slowed down

Eating more or less

Fatigue and loss of energy

Difficulty concentrating

Thinking of death or suicide

Mixed Episodes:

Basically, a person is having both symptoms of mania and depression at the same time.

So here’s my interpretation:

I listen to the song regularly but at once that second sentence hit me. Quoting: ‘I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks’. Which could indeed mean the relationship of Love and Cobain was very unstable and even unhealthy. I see it as a metaphor for, Courtney Love having power over Kurt or manipulating him. If any of you have seen the interview with Courtney Love after Cobain died, she told the interviewer it was her fault… She told him that she pushed him to far this time by saying: that he dropped the baby (Frances Bean Cobain). If this is true, she was manipulating Kurt Cobain. Or it could have been the guilt that came over her, of course.

People with mood disorders and psychotic symptoms (or psychotic disorders, like myself), need structure and order. And I think Courtney Love was the exact opposite of that to Kurt Cobain. I think the album in Utero and the few Albums following, showed Cobain's need of structure, and his chaotic life, mind, and relationship.

And I think he wanted to tell all of us starting with ‘Heart-shaped box’.

And if I would diagnose Courtney Love, and do take this with a grain of salt (I’m not a professional, yet), I would diagnose her as a borderliner. Which might explain a lot.

If you want to know the criteria of Borderline personality disorder keep reading, here I describe them briefly:

Fear of abandonment: People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships: People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image: When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors: If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm: Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings: Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness: People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger: If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality: People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

#article #artikel #Kurt Cobain #Courtney Love #relationship #BPD #borderlin personality disorder #bipolar 1 #bipolar disorder #heart-shaped box song #nirvana #Maaike Kamps

[crazy-hand-official]

on hole

ok so this posts been a long time a comin’ but i finally feel like im drunk enough to talk about (and never shut the fuck up about) one of my favorite bands... Hole

hole’s music has meant a lot to me since i picked up Live Through This at some boring ass used cd store that also happened to sell erotic fantasy novels about good fathers. but anyway. holes music is for women with bad fathers. women who are kind of fucked up and angry about it, too. women who have trauma and scars and are kinda gross. women who were wronged but somehow by the grace of god empowered in the face of their horrible experiences. 

or at least it feels like that, dont it?

that was the main appeal of hole to me, anyway. i fell in love with this album around the second or third listen through. i was like, damn, shes pissed. it was so refreshing to hear a woman just screaming out her frustrations. how cathartic must it have been to be able to not only get it out, but also be taken somewhat seriously? of course hole never got the recognition they deserved. im of the unpopular opinion that they were waayyyy better than nirvana. without sounding kinda sappy... you know what fuck it im not apologizing to any of u. hole totally made me embrace womanhood. it influenced my own, much beloved way to just exist. 

but also i guess i just really love tunes. 

ps im not here for the courtney killed kurt debate lmfao!!

ok so heres the part where i write my onions about their four studio albums 

Pretty On the Inside

their first album and admittedly, my least favorite (that doesnt say much because i still really enjoy it). its sound is much more abrasive. love employs her most guttural screams in this one, but ill get to that. to its credit, its the most experimental but many interpret it as amateur guitar screeches and song bits just hashed together. and maybe theyre right! but what band doesnt have that not-quite-there-yet first album? its an unrefined, beautiful mess. A song title or two is spelled wrong. Garbadge man is one that comes to mind. and for some reason, its just... fitting. its an artistic mistake left in and its so dumb but thats the fun in it! thats the punk in it! they dont give a fuck so why should you? this album is a messy bitch. 

track im gonna nut about: mrs. jones

this song is apparently about a back alley abortion, and its just as brutal. love is screaming, just guttural sounds and expletives and nauseating lyrics. when i first heard it, i was absolutely entranced in the atrocity of it all. shes sweating, panting. i will follow you down the sick drain

other favorite tracks: teenage whore, good sister bad sister, pretty on the inside

Live Through This

their most popular album also happens to be my favorite! the start of it all...

i havent shut up about this album since day one because i just like it so much! she refines her skills and just comes out with a successful album that ties an array of horrible themes and wraps them up in a pretty pink bow. its soft aesthetic covers the dark, sickening themes that make the album. rape, anorexia, self harm, self hatred, violence, abuse... the list goes on. someone i one knew asked me why women with bipolar disorder and bpd love hole so much and i had to bite my tongue but to be brutally honest we probably like it because love had the nuts to scream about taboo themes that are so hurtfully common in our lives. just like how the depressed rally behind the smiths. oh that and the musics awesome. but anyway, the cover is a beauty queen the moment shes crowned. its supposed to represent someone who has fought, clawed, and fucked her way to the top. but look! shes the queen! shes the beauty queen! everyone will finally love her and treat her with respect! and all she had to do was sell her soul. all she had to do was get abused over and over to the point of breakdown. but she made it, didnt she? i mean, look how pretty the crown is!

favorite track im not gonna shut up about: i think i would die

im gonna be super lazy and just copy and paste what i wrote up one time when i talked about this song before:

wait nevermind i cant search for my post through my tag because tumblr is broken. something about breastmilk? ill update once i find it lmao. 

other favorite tracks: violet, softer softest, miss world

Celebrity Skin 

i dont have as many onions on this one. supposedly, love didnt want this album to become ‘the widow album’, but theres a song or two about kurt’s death snuck in there. this albums loud, but not nearly as angry as the first two. in fact, when shes not singing catchy pop tunes about how jaded she is, shes being sincere and heartfelt. all in all, its a fantastic album and my second favorite that hole has to offer. 

favorite track of the album: heaven tonight

ive heard two stories about what this songs supposedly about. on one hand, people say its about two lovers. the girl wants to lose her virginity to the guy, so she drives (recklessly) to his house and dies in an accident. she’ll never grow old, she’ll go to heaven tonight. on the other hand, i heard that love just wanted a fun song to sing to her daughter, frances bean. either way, it makes me want to dance. so idk if its about teenagers fucking or about a little girl who just needed a song, but its cool.

other favorite tracks: awful, celebrity skin, reasons to be beautiful

Nobody’s Daughter

years later, hole released their final album. when i first heard it, i was disappointed. the first track was great, but then.... i noticed her voice had deteriorated significantly due to her smoking and other vocal abuse. and i thought, damn, i really wish she released this when she was younger. she sounds normal when she screams, but i guess to compensate when singing softer parts, she does this kind of weird weird thing when enunciating that... ok i cant pinpoint or describe what exactly it is but it kinda sucks. ‘honey’ is the only hole song that i dont like very much, and its the best song to use as an example when trying to explain how her voice got all fucked. now, we cant all be bowie (whose singing voice only got better after years of smoking). but still. 

anyways, i listened to the album again, and i mean really listened to it. and actually! the smoker voice is the beauty of it! its a woman who is past jaded and past giving fucks about anyone or anything. its songs from a woman of experience. and she still sounds badass! her voice is so rough, she sounds like she could still fuck anyone up. its exciting. 

favorite track to get all sappy about: letter to god

i really found an appreciation for this song. this is a song about someone who cant be saved. and isnt that fucked up? youre so bad, so hated by all of those around you, but no one can hate you as much as yourself. and you try everything to pick yourself up but just nothing works. and everyone has their two cents in what they think will help you. but youve tried every med in the book and youve tried this and that and the other thing, and you come to the conclusion that you just cant be saved. youre drowning. so what do you do? you turn to god, a supernatural all-mighty being. but shit, i hope he can help you. because if he doesnt, fucking nothing ever will. so go write him that letter.

  i never wanted to be the person you see

other favorite tracks: nobodys daughter, skinny little bitch

and thats what i have to say about that!

#hole #courtney love #long post #goddamn this took forever to write lol i just had a lot to say #and still have more but ill shut up... for now. #im not actually drunk but i wrote this post last night at like 1 am #well i was drunk but not christmas morning damn

[foundlingmother]

Some time ago, you responded to a post from @oneformischief saying that Loki “struggles with mental illness” and that “Happiness is foreign to Loki … because he’s incapable, through no fault of his own, of being happy”. Would you mind elaborating on that? And if Loki can’t be fully happy, how can he come as close to happiness as possible?

Wow, I quite like what I said in that post! Thank you for the question and reminding me my own meta exists!

The way Loki’s depicted in the films, I see a lot of indicators of mental illness. He attempts suicide at least once (though I don’t think it’s hard to read the scene with Kurse as, at least, Loki displaying a disregard for his own survival). He openly admits to Frigga in a deleted scene that he wants to be unable to tell reality from illusion. These are some specific instances that feel very relatable to my own struggles with mental illness, but there’s just a general element to his character that speaks to many mentally ill fans. This offers an opportunity for a lot of different interpretations. I tend to characterize Loki as having depression, as I struggle with depression, but I know other people who characterize Loki as having bipolar disorder, BPD, etc. He has no stated diagnoses (something tells me Asgard’s even worse at treating mental illness than we humans are), so it’s really up to the viewer to determine that.

Like I said, I tend to think of Loki in terms of him having depression, or exhibiting depressive behaviors as part of another mental illness. People who are depressed, through no fault of their own, experience persistent sadness or apathy. This is the result of a malfunctioning brain. It’s not the choice of the individual. They are not choosing to be sad or apathetic, they are suffering from an illness. You’ve probably heard a similar comparison before, but when there’s a problem with someone’s… let’s say liver, we don’t demand that they fix it through sheer willpower. We treat the liver. The same should be true of the brain.

There are various ways to treat mental illness. Not everyone will take medication (though the more it’s destigmatized, the better). I can’t really imagine that Loki would ever take pills… or that they would work for him being a different species. However, I think he’d benefit from therapy (honestly, I can’t think of a MCU character that wouldn’t benefit from a bit of therapy). But, as I mentioned in that post, I think the first step is actually Loki getting what he wants, which isn’t anything unreasonable, imo. I mean, I think he has crimes to atone for, but people can still treat him with basic respect and decency while he does so. And Thanos’ defeat would certainly help Loki to feel a lot freer without that looming threat. (Let’s all live in a magical timeline where Loki isn’t dead!) After that point, where all of Loki’s basic needs are met and he has a support system, at least in his brother (though ideally he makes more friends), then he’s got to learn ways to manage his mental health and avoid self-destructive tendencies (oh boy does Loki have self-destructive tendencies). That’s about as specific as I can get on how he gets as close to happiness as possible. It’s management of a chronic illness. Some days are good. Some are alright. Some days are bad. You learn ways to continue, and when it’s a good time to let yourself have a break.

#my loki meta #fandom: marvel

[cxsmicmyeon]

omg i literally had to argue and fight with my parents so much to be able to go out with my friends!! teenage years were interesting in the way, to say the least 🙄 hehe i'm glad i bit the bullet and messaged you!

ah that post you reblogged about picking up habits from your biases i think it was? i noticed i started doing that tongue + teeth smile chanyeol does 😅 this 👇

HAHAHA yes shut up and go away is my favourite line 🤣 but i also still have junmyeon singing been through my head constantly. you shiiiiiine like the star, you liight up my heart ❤

congratulations on 103 followers!! 🎉🎉🎉 hey every influencer started somewhere! i'll make sure they know the mini tag drabbles came from you 😉

mmmm it was more so talking about when testing toddler girls hencewhy females are always diagnosed with being on the spectrum much later in life than boys are. men are simple i guess? 😂 i think it's great that people are bringing more awareness towards the importance of mental health and normalising conditions!!

did i just inspire a series for you!? this is a great achievement 🤣 i am happy to proofread and edit if you like 🤭 i suck at writing but i proofread and edit fine lmao i do it for my niece/nephews/friends assignments 😂😂 tbh i didn't like kbbq before but watching all this korean stuff and the way they eat it is so 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤 omfg b o b a lol i love the lychee flavours too!! and green apple yum 😋 but i recently realised i'm somewhat lactose intolerant and dairy affects my acne..and since it's meant to be avoided i started drinking milk tea more LOL i like to hurt myself with dairy and angst fics, what can i say 🤷🏻‍♀️

omg i feel like i grew around 9th grade and just stopped from there lmao and then especially after kids just kept growing wider 👁👄👁 having a shorter torso doesn't help either!! everytime i go to buy alcohol or cigarettes for someone i just know to keep my id out bc they will ask lmao

yeah that's why i'm seriously considering the discreet small ones!! but i kinda also want a bigger like side of body piece..👉👈 one day 🤞 yes i want more piercings too!! but more ear ones 😂 i only have my basic ear ones at the moment. can't wait til we actually move forward with these decisions!

ugh parents just love to treat their teenagers like little kids... yet complain when they don't know how to do anything/be independent🙄i look at how i was raised and if i ever have kids i know exactly how NOT to raise them🤣🤣aaaa i'm so glad u reached out i love our conversations!!!🥰🥰🥰

love are u trying to kill me with that gif??? loey my love you need to sTOP before i ACT OUT😳👉🏻👈🏻jun's "baby girl" in tempo lives in my mind rent free... as well as the part in white noise from 2:05-the end oh my goodness... this thing has been happening where i'm in between getting out of rem sleep and actually opening my eyes and a song plays in my head... like this morning i heard jopping but i've heard yixing's amusement park and other exo songs and honestly i love that :D i should keep a record of all the songs i've heard (if i can remember them loool)🤣🤣

i actually follow a small musician who has both bipolar disorder and BPD and she makes songs about her mental health journey and a lot of stuff in her life and she also raises awareness for mental health too! her name is madi and she's honestly amazing and so underrated!

omg i hope u don't mind beta-ing! once i finish requests i'll start planning the series!! i won't write dae's though simply bc i'm not comfortable with writing about people who are married (i may imply he went on the date w/ his wife loool) aghh i want to get korean bbq so baddddd nowww ihurjgirjgi,, but ayy omg i'm also lactose intolerant!! i don't drink milk or eat cheese but sometimes if i want to suffer i eat ice cream loll!! omg i didn't know there's green apple tea that sounds sooo good!!

agh my tummy sticks out a lot it's not fun )): i lost a lot of weight last year around this time but then i eventually gained it back bc i ate a lot lol we love that,, i feel like my torso is normal size but honestly i don't feel like getting out of bed to look🤣🤣maybe later🤣🤣

the biggest tattoo i plan to get i think is an arrow on my ankle but it's more long than wide lol,, i also only have my basic ear piercings and i'm just gonna wait till i move out and get a decent amount of money saved before i get a tattoo/piercing lolll

#asks #bestie anon #friend asks!

[stellarvisionary]

My mom trying to foist this book by a largely discredited psychologist on me has me thinking on my past, and the actual reasons why I turned out like I did as an adult.

Like...a lot of what’s “wrong” with me as an adult, I can trace back to my mother’s decision to have me tested at Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis when I was 6 years old, leading to the discovery of my neurological condition.

See, the whole reason she wanted to have me diagnosed with something was because she wanted me to qualified for Special Education, as she believed it was the only way I would get the kind of education I needed. She was wrong, of course, because my diagnosis didn’t actually get me the Special Ed attention that I actually needed, because my diagnosis was one they had never heard of before.

My condition is neurological and physical in nature, which should have placed me in the POHI (Physical and Other Health Impairments) program, but as I wasn’t physically disabled to a high enough extent, I was instead placed in the EBD (Emotional-Behavioral Disorders) program instead. EBD being the catch-all program for any student with a diagnosis for whom emotional issues were a common expression (ADHD, Autism, Bipolar, BPD, etc.)

I was pretty much always the smartest, most well-behaved student in those programs, but because I was a relatively trusting, naive little kid, I got picked on both inside and outside of Special Ed. I didn’t belong in “mainstream” classes any more than I did in the program, in part because I was an outsider.

The MRVSEC (the Special Ed program I was part of from 3rd-7th grade) program did a thing in the 80′s and 90′s where students would be transferred to a different school district every few years, presumably following the funding for such things. As a result, I spent the most important, most formative years of my childhood in school districts a good hour away from where I actually lived. I couldn’t make friends at school because I didn’t live there, couldn’t see any of my classmates outside of the classroom, and I couldn’t make friends at home because I spent the majority of my day somewhere else.

Then there was the summer of 1989. The summer I met Lonnie Kuckacka. We were in a summer school class together in the town neighboring where I grew up, and over the course of that summer he gained my trust and sexually assaulted me numerous times. I was too young to understand what was going on, and when I finally did, I tried to confront him about it, and he gaslit me about what happened. I tried telling my parents, but they refused to do anything about it either, claiming that too much time had passed for anything to be done. I wound up developing a stress-triggered dissociative disorder as a result of all that had transpired.

In 8th grade, I returned to my home school district. I knew a handful of my classmates (those whom I had gone to Sunday School through our Lutheran Church together), but the vast majority of the people I had classes with were complete strangers to me. I had no social skills to speak of, having never had the chance to really develop them, and alternated between extreme gullibility and extreme paranoia over who I could trust. Like...most everyone in my class had grown up together, gone to birthday parties and sleepovers and whathaveyou, but I missed out on all of that. I didn’t have any kind of foundation to stand on to build anything with any of the people I went to school with, and consequently I don’t have relationships with hardly any of them even as adults.

By the end of high school, my mental illness combined with the stresses of trying to stand out among my classmates led me to developing an unfocused anger that I had no idea how to express, and I lashed out at people I shouldn’t have. It’s something I regret to this day.

Then came my young adult years. I started college in the spring of 2000, and met a girl in college who lived in the town neighboring my hometown, who I fell completely, desperately in love with. Sarah Green was my first real love that I can remember. She shot me down due to both having a boyfriend, as well as my crisis of faith factoring into things, as she wouldn’t date a non-Christian. My experience with her would ultimately harden my heart and set me on a long path of mistrust of my own emotions.

My dad, who had never really had the patience to engage with me the way fathers are supposed to engage with their sons, died when I was 19. I’d only learned a few things from him, all of which were simply practical, and have had no bearing on my continuing philosophy as a man. His death effectively put my life on hold, as my mother and sister spent the next several years tossing me around like a bad penny.

My childhood sexual assault I believe was a huge contributing factor in my asexuality, which has in addition to my general social awkwardness and lack of knowledge of interpersonal relationships led to my repeated failures in relationships over the past 20 years.

I’ve failed as a man, because my mother failed me as a caregiver, and surrendered me to an educational system that was unprepared to teach me. My father failed me by not being there, and not having the patience to treat me like his son. I have my own share of the blame, but how much of what I’ve done were simply responses to the environment in which I was placed?

I did the best I could in impossible circumstances, and my mother views me as a failure. And she wonders why I’m not more ambitious.

#dirk's personal stuff #dirk's contentious relationship with his mother #dirk's incredible powers of self-reflection #i am a dumpster fire of a human being

[ontheavalanche]

As someone with BPD, I struggle a lot with headcanons of Kent Parson with BPD.

Bc on the one hand, I really enjoy people taking the time to research BPD and crafting versions of Kent Parson that are complicated yet respectful and highlighting a disorder that imho isn’t spoken about nearly enough + a lot of thought and effort goes into taking mentally ill characters and fleshing them out with words. Plus I’ve seen some well composed stuff from people who do have BPD and get what it’s like and make wonderfully relatable versions of BPD!Parse and I don’t want to downplay those at all.

But at the same time, I noticed a lot of what happens is that people paint Kent Parson as this guy that’s been really manipulative and can say and do things that are emotionally abusive or just make him all impulsive but then be all like oh he’s like that because he has BPD so it’s okay.

And that’s bad for multiple reasons—the first one being ofc that you can’t excuse manipulative, emotionally abusive, or any other kind of shitty behaviors just bc the person acting that way is mentally ill. The second is that people with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not like that???? That’s a really harmful stereotype of what people with BPD are like and it’s been perpetuated a lot in various types of media and even within medical and mental health communities.

Anyways, I’m p sure I personally won’t be able to read any fics with BPD!Parson unless they’re personally recommend to me, but I will throw a few things out there that I haven’t seen in BPD!Parse fics but that are common amongst people with BPD. (Please keep in mind that these are based on my own experiences and experiences of other people I know who have BPD—as with any mental health issue, it can manifest very differently depending on the person and not everyone with have experienced all of these):

Manic episodes!!!!! (I feel it’s important to note that often times you won’t realize you’re Manic until you’re peeking. And tbh a lot of times you don’t realize it at all, especially if you don’t have experience recognizing those feelings. Also I’ve noticed that with people with BPD that are more on the consistently manic side will not notice their mania because while manic episodes are intense, if you’re used to them it feels totally normal to feel that way all the time. You might not notice it’s a thing until it gets pointed out by an outsider or unless you get a really really bad one or end up hospitalized)

After a manic episode, you might Crash—a sort of Mania Hangover, if you will. Sometimes it can be a full blow depressive episode, sometimes it’s just a need for sleep or maybe releasing a few hard earned tears. (Or if you’re one of those people that’s kind of Perpetually Manic or going through a manic phase, maybe you won’t even Crash, you’ll just slide into another episode like whatislife amiright??)

If not full blown mania, then mood swings!!!! So many mood swings!!!!! They’re intense and sometimes they last a few hours and sometimes they last a few days. People with BPD have intense emotions, highs and lows and you can on occasion get several in the span of an hour or two.

A chronic feeling of emptiness (I’m thinking of Parse feeling empty n wow that hurts so bad doesn’t it?)

Reckless, impulsive, or dangerous behaviors, often thought of as a result of trying to fill that emptiness or during feelings of mania or anger or mood swings. (This can manifest as shopping sprees, sex, substance abuse, binge eating, etc).

Viewing things in black and white—often times things and feelings are perceived as either totally Good or totally Bad, with little to nothing in between. It’s easy to distort your point of view to make it so that everything fits in those categories. This is a defense mechanism and is often referred to as “Splitting” or all-or-nothing thinking.

The Good/Bad POV//defense mechanism also and especially applies toward people and while logically you might know people are multifaceted and want to recognize that people can be both good and bad, sometimes it can be really hard not to look at people and subconsciously be like “okay are you a hero or a villain, a protagonist or an antagonist, do I love you or hate you” (idealization vs devaluation)

In the BPD community, many people have something called an FP (a Favorite Person)—this is a person you’ve formed an emotional dependency on that can quite literally make or break your day with the slightest provocation. Frankly, this is kind of difficult to talk about so I recommend skimming this article. Basically, you devolve intense feelings for a person (be it romantic or platonic) and when they give you attention or when you view their actions as positive, it’s like you’re happier than you’ve ever been but if you view something they did or said as a negative towards you (even if it wasn’t their intention), suddently your mood plummets so badly that you might feel physically pained or enter a major depressive episode or feel suicidal. (Not everyone has or has had an FP, but if you have one and they reject you and the relationship between the two of you is over, it can feel kind of like a soulmate au gone bad in which you gotta break this Profound Bond and it feels like you’re shattering. Not impossible to get over but you’ll be kind of broken for a while, or maybe just a little cracked forever.) ((Was Jack Zimmermann Kent’s FP???? Who knows, just don’t think about it))

While obviously relationships with people can often be intense and sometimes unstable, it doesn’t mean everyone is regarded with the same level of intensity and it doesn’t mean people with BPD don’t also have normal and healthy relationships and friendships. It truthfully depends on the person. Sometimes all relationships are affected, and sometimes it’s just one.

Disassociation—this can range from depersonalization (feeling disconnected from your body), derealization (feeling disconnected from reality), amnesia (lost time), and identity confusion (losing self).

Speaking of identity—people with BPD struggle with their self-image, and yes sometimes they will distort how they view themselves to fit their mood. I often see this brought up in fics in regards to Kent Parson as either having extreme narcissism or with an extremely low self worth. While those two things aren’t generally out of the realm of possibility, most of the time when it comes to people with BPD and their identity it’s more like they’re lost???? Idk how to describe it but amongst people with BPD, it’s common to feel like you don’t know who the real you is, or like there is no real you and you’re just made up of other people. It’s because sometimes we latch onto the habits and obsessions of others, of our friends and loved ones, and they become our habits and our obsessions, and sometimes realizing this can push you into a bit of an identity crisis????? (Does anyone have a way to put this into English that makes sense bc I’m doing my best here but I Suck soooo) EDIT: the word for it is “Identity Disturbance” and it’s A Big Thing

Seemingly unprovoked bursts of anger and irritability are not uncommon

A lot of people with BPD have abandonment issues. Be it real or imagined abandonment, many of us try to avoid feeling that kind (or any kind) of rejection, even if it means we’re the ones doing the rejecting first. I see this well represented in fics but it’s very dragged out. (Truthfully, imho people with BPD can kinda suck at rejecting people, like we’ll wanna do it so that you don’t do it to us but we can’t quite execute it all that well and when we do we try not to dwell on it.)

I have noticed in BPD!Parse fics, most of the time he has a healthy sense of distrust towards people and their intentions and that’s pretty accurate although sometimes it’s the exact opposite—you might trust too much or too quickly if you consider them Good.

Major depressive episodes are not at all uncommon. (I apologize bc I don’t think I’m going to be able to put in as much detail about this rn bc tbh I’m running on the Manic side lately and when I’m more manic I tend to forget what it’s like to feel depressed or just how those feelings come about until I get hit with a wave of them and then I just wallow.)

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon either, even if you aren’t going through a depressive episode or feeling sad. (An unfortunate percentage of people with BPD die from suicide.)

Some people experience intrusive thoughts or some form of psychosis (if I’m not mistaken the term “borderline” actually comes from an antiquated thought that people with BPD are “borderline psychotic” and so some places no longer use the term “borderline personality disorder” and rather call it an emotional intensity disorder or an “emotionally unstable personality disorder”—bc the latter is totally much better)

Looooots of anxiety, I don’t think in the same way you see in an anxiety disorder??? (I have both so it’s hard for me to describe and separate the two but from what I’ve heard, for people that don’t have an anxiety disorder but do have BPD, it can come in bouts, kind of like manic and depressive episodes but just anxiety and none of the high or low feelings????)

Trouble sleeping is common with people with BPD

Paranoia

A majority of the time, people with BPD also have other disorders such a depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, or other personality disorders that coexist with your BPD.

And the last thing: if you’re reading this list and thinking “huh this sounds more like what I’ve read about bipolar disorder rather than borderline personality disorder” then the reason for it is bc the way bipolar disorder is presented in media is often similar to the reality of what it’s like to have BPD (and similarly there is so much more to bipolar disorder that is not presented in media accurately). The two can be very similar from an outsider’s point of view but to put it in oversimplified terms—people with BPD have more persistent day-to-day symptoms that impact them 24/7 whereas someone with bipolar disorder can go through periods of symptom-free wellness for days, weeks, or even years before falling into say a major manic episode. Our mood swings and episodes are also shorter and tend to run on patterns or are a direct reaction to life’s typical stressors—we can have multiple mood swings and episodes within a single day, whereas folks with bipolar disorder have seemingly no warning before an episode that can last months. Also while any form of mental illness (particularly ones that have to do with mania or delusions or hallucinations) can impact your relationship with people, typically people with bipolar disorder don’t have the same problems with interpersonal relationships like people with BPD do. (I hope I don’t sound like I’m “down selling” bipolar disorder or anything, truthfully I’m just not knowledgeable enough to feel comfortable speaking on it but I do know that these are some of the differences between the two and that BPD and bipolar disorder are often misdiagnosed as each other.)

Anyways y’all, BPD is a really serious disorder. Most of the time we’re people that are considered high functioning because it’s a disorder that affects emotions and relationships and sometimes that only seemingly affects our personal and social lives and not our professional or academic lives.

We’re typecast as dramatic and manipulative and attention seekers. I’d personally argue that we aren’t (for the most part) but our behavior can get really poor and we can feel desperate and enslaved by our emotions. We can’t really help it but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold us accountable if we act horribly. The point of this is just that if you want to write about this disorder or cast a character with it, try to understand beyond what you’ve seen or heard portrayed by people who don’t have to live with it.

BPD is usually treated with cognitive behavioral therapy but it’s not at all uncommon to have medication as treatment of some of your symptoms or to be hospitalized for it. Personally I used to be on antipsychotics to help stabilize my moods and it was good but not a cure-all, of course. There is no cure for BPD.

This post is also known as: stop writing Kent Parson as an angsty piece of shit 2k18. I might accept BPD!Parse fics if he’s super excited and manic and forms intense bonds with people and doesn’t want to let them go but also BPD sucks so don’t romanticize it too much but also hello I love Kent Parson

#wow this was supposed to be like a paragraph or two max #im just literally crazy yall im kind of manic rn and this just happened #i might delete this later idk its embarassing n kinda personal #kent parson #bpd #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd kent parson #mental health #fandom #long post #sorry yall

[mysticdrabbles]

I'd love to hear your mental health headcanons!! Esp about saeran and Saeyoung. I feel like most people forget about Saeyoung bc saeran is arguably worse off but that boy isnt neurotypical in the slightest

Hello I’m back and the reason I’m doing this one first is because mental health sucks am I right okay moving on

Zen:

I’ve seen a lot of people suggest NPD but I personally disagree?

I don’t think Zen actually believes a damn word he says about how great he is, on any level. 

It’s 100% fake it til you make it. 

Only he figures he’ll never make it so he guesses he’ll just fake it forever ahahaha

And Zen shows literally zero trace of some of the other NPD criteria.

So, not NPD. And while he has at least a depressive episode in his route, I don’t think he has capital D depression either.

He obviously has his own issues that he struggles with, but I don’t know if any of them are like... diagnosable?

Although I did see someone (you can read the post HERE) say he could have Body Dismorphic Disorder, and I really liked their reasoning! But I’d never heard of that before so I can’t speak much on it myself.

Yoosung:

Yoosung has been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety

The RFA all practically forced him to see someone after Rika’s death. That’s when he was diagnosed and prescribed SSRIs. The medication helped a lot, and he’s doing a lot better now that he’s on them and has a therapist. 

I also headcanon that he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m not just biased I swear

At first I thought I was but I’ve seen other people say this so it’s become official Mystic Drabbles Headcanon

I also headcanon that Yoosung feels kind of guilty about that one. 

Because like… his life is fine? Especially when he looks at people like the twins, who have gone through so much worse. He wasn’t abused or neglected as a child. He feels like he doesn’t have the right to be as “messed up” as he is?

He’s wrong, of course, obviously, his feelings and problems are valid too. But he can’t help how he feels.

Jaehee:

Is stress a mental disorder because she definitely has that

But like Zen, while she does have her issues, I don’t know if I’d label any of them mental illnesses? She’d possibly be diagnosed with some kind of anxiety disorder, but I think her symptoms can be vastly improved with some encouragement and support from loved ones.

Jumin:

I headcanon him as autistic because I am a sheep

It’s clear he has issues with interacting with and understanding others, but it’s not because he’s uncaring or cruel, despite what others say about him. He’s obviously a very caring and kind person. He truly seems like he just… doesn’t understand sometimes. But he is willing to listen when people try to explain.

He’s trying, and he’s clearly learned to function despite his hardships.

My tol awkward son, I’m proud of him

Seven:

Hahahahaha nothing about this boy is neurotypical

I mentioned before that he has at the very least Borderline traits, maybe not the whole diagnosed disorder?

He definitely has PTSD. For obvious reasons.

He definitely has bipolar disorder. He goes from laughing and joking and building a thousand robots while hacking into like NASA with one hand or something for the lolz because he can’t slow down enough to focus on one thing…

To talking about how he’s useless and nobody and shouldn’t even exist, and feeling so down he can’t get a single thing done.

He’s another one who’s done fairly decently at learning to function around his issues. 

(I headcanon this is partially because he’s done a fair amount of research on them. He likes learning when he’s interested, and he understands the importance of mental health care. It’s just really hard to implement said self-care when you’re actively feeling depressed/manic.)

At the very least, he’s learned to survive through them.

I’m proud of him too.

Saeran:

Saeran is another very Not Neurotypical one.

I already discussed him having BPD.

(Edited after the Ray Route: I’m now 100% sure this is canon. There’s no way they didn’t intentionally write him with BPD at this point, right?)

And it’s obvious he has PTSD.

I forget if I mentioned anxiety? But that too.

We don’t have a lot of canon instances of Saeran interacting with anyone besides Saeyoung, but I headcanon he has social anxiety? In his case, the fear of social interaction can come off as anger/standoffishness when he’s distressed.

(I also headcanon both of the twins get panic attacks sometimes)

V:

He has many issues. Feeling responsible for everyone and everything, his low self-esteem, believing he deserves to suffer…

But while none of these are mentally healthy, I think they stem more from him being a victim of abuse than a mental illness.

He might have anxiety too (GAD, specifically)

And, of course, the PTSD that stemmed from previously mentioned abuse. 

This is the most obvious one, what with the withdrawing from his friends, being increasingly self-destructive, and his obvious constant stress.

Vanderwood:

I feel like they have OCD? Mild enough that they can usually hide it, since it’s a pretty big weakness to be advertising in their line of work, but it’s there. 

They have subtle “quirks”.

Small things that make them feel more in control.

Like… if one thing is off in a room it doesn’t just bug them, they literally have to fix it. Maybe not immediately, but they can’t just… leave it. They know that even if they leave the room it’ll literally ruin their day, if not their life.

(They may or may not have had to stop in the middle of a firefight to straighten a painting once. They did.)

It’s different if a whole room is a mess. They still want to clean it, but it’s weirdly less… urgent? They would definitely feel better if they could. They would feel even better if they could scrub down everything completely.

(You may have noticed that they wear gloves? Yeah they may or may not be somewhat of a germaphobe, too. They are. 

Funny enough though, their cleaning habits are not really related to this. They can deal with the germaphobia much better than they can deal with the messiness.)

They’re also a perfectionist, although they’ve learned that not everything can be perfect and can usually deal with that if they absolutely have to.

It’s still really hard though.

And when given the choice they would absolutely prefer absolute thoroughness in everything they do.

#amaziingdil #you get bpd he gets bpd everyone gets headcanoned with bpd! #...I'm not biased I swear #Iamalittlemaybe #(I have BPD that's the joke in case you missed it lolol) #also my computer underlined 'germaphobe' and suggested that maybe I meant 'geographer' #new headcanon guys Vanderwood is a geographer #you heard it here first #mystic messenger #707 #luciel choi #yoosung #yoosung kim #jaehee #jaehee kang #zen #hyun ryu #jumin #jumin han #v #jihyun kim #saeyoung choi #saeran choi #saeran #vanderwood #mysterious headcanons

[tequilamockingbird2015]

I'm going crazy. I can't control my emotions, they're the ones who control me. My boyfriend is everything to me, literaly everything. I met him when we were in the psych ward. Three days after we met he asked me to be his girlfriend. He said it was love at first sight. He tells me all the nice things every woman wants to hear and melts my heart. In the beggining everything was beautiful, we never fought. But now I always get jealous when he pays attention to other people that's not me, and I +

argue with him because of it and I end up saying things that hurt him, and vice versa, and I push him away saying I will break up with him. And that’s the last thing I want. I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t wanna ruin what we have. But I’m always fucking things up. I have bpd and he has bipolar disorder. When things are good, they’re really good and I feel happy. But then we argue and I just wanna kill myself. And I don’t wanna lose control and go back to the psych ward, +

neither lose him. I feel such a bad person for the things I say and do when I’m angry. I just wanna learn how I can control myself. I don’t wanna argue with him. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t deserve him. And he doesn’t deserve the bad things I do. But I want him all to myself. Because I’m selfish and I don’t wanna be without him. He’s the one who gives meaning to my life.——————————

TW: suicide mention

Answer: Hey Anon, I don’t think you are a bad person. If you really were, you’d feel perfectly fine hurting him when he has done nothing wrong–or you would even enjoy it. But you don’t–you want to do something about it and take responsibility for the ways you have hurt him. I admire you for that. I think you would be surprised how many people out there actually consciously choose to hurt others (mental illness or not… although TBH most people I knew who were bad had no mental illness).

That being said, there are some things that might help you. Opposite action is pretty much one of my favorite DBT skills. Have you heard of it? I find it helpful–difficult, but helpful. You identify an emotion you want to change, like anger and jealousy, and do the very opposite of what emotion mind wants you to do. And by doing so you actually elicit that opposite emotion. You act calm or secure and end up feeling calm or secure. You aren’t denying that you feel distressed; you are just challenging yourself to feel something different. At least, that’s how I conceptualize it.

So for anger, if you feel the urge to yell or say things that hurt him, do the very opposite: walk away from the situation, speak calmly, or say nice things. Here’s more info if you are interested:

http://dbtselfhelp.com/html/opposite_action.html

Another useful skill you might like is called DEAR MAN. This helps you address your needs and maintain a healthy relationship with someone:

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_8.html

Best,TM

#asks

[canarhys]

Honestly, after his life and death, Leo would absolutely be traumatized.

The dude died and he said it was the worst experience he felt in his life. Like hell he’d get over it easily:

he was so used to heat, but for once in his life, he actually felt like his insides were churning from the inside out

this led him using his fire powers less than he already did

he even begins to be afraid of fire, the one thing he’s immune to

also he gets easily scared by loud noises

he nearly becomes deaf because of the experience, and when his friends talk to him they had to repeat what they said several times

but after his hearing heals, he still remembers the loud bomb of the explosion and was forever scarred

he cant even handle balloons popping without screaming

everyone makes sure not to scare him with loud sounds

he just works on quiet projects since he cant handle loud noises anymore

he also has a great fear of explosions

whenever it’s chariot racing time he sits alone with festus in bunker nine because he cant handle the bombs and crashes

one time there was an explosion in the forges and he had to be calmed down by everyone

or in the alternative: he becomes deaf

he cant hear the sweet banging in the forges or the voices of his best friends

all he hears is just SILENCE and it’s horrible

his friends use sign language until he learns how to read lips

he works to make his own ear aid

he also lost his own left arm in the explosion

although he easily made his own prosthetic

however he worries that maybe he’s cheating when he makes or repairs new machines because of his new arm

everyone doesn’t let him think that way and says its because of his brilliant mind that he created so many beauties

he cant handle things staying still for too long

he goes to sleep late and wakes up so early since he hates having dreams or just plain darkness

he’s not as loud or joyous as he was before

he’s still afraid

at first he’s quiet and paranoid, still shivering from death’s cold touch

he becomes afraid of death

he hardly went on quests or even participated in normal camp activities

he doesn’t like hearing rumors or actual news about someone dying

after the war and especially after his death, he suffered more immensely from PTSD, BPD, dependent personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and even PPD

he touches his scars at night that reminded him of his abusive foster homes, life on the streets, and the whole quest thing

i forgot to mention, but he also has a few burn marks for some weird reason - probably a punishment for cheating death

every time he looks at them he just curls up into his bed and cries

also as a headcanon, as punishment for cheating death due to Asclepius resurrecting him, he gets sent to tartarus

after that shit, he hardly smiled

he hates going out into the mortal world but he also hates staying copped up in camp half-blood

hes at that point where he just wants to drown and disappear

especially when during his death he thought he heard his mama call out to him

it broke him

he wakes up every night, whimpering and calling out to his mom and saying sorry

hes still not over her death and still thinks he killed her

I feel like ya’ll are sad by now, but fear not:

finally he’s so fucking done with everything, with the war and monsters and the voices inside his head

he could still hear gaea in his head and it makes him scream

so he decides to run away

he packs his shit and everything and leaves - or, tries to

turns out nico’s there nearby thalia’s tree and stops him

leo tries to get past him but nico knows what he’s doing and tries to help him but leo is just pushing and screaming at him to leave him alone

nico’s only saying comforting words and holding to his hand with no force but leo even goes as far to try to punch him

after what seemed like hours leo finally calmed down and slowly sat in front of the pine tree and nico sits next to him while the latino boy cries

leo finally spills

he starts talking/signing about everything he’s been feeling and experiencing ever since he came back from the dead

about how much he wants his mom back and he hates his dad to leave him on the streets and the stupid gods for making life so fucking difficult

he’s at a crossroads where he wants to die but he’s afraid of death and it just makes him feel so alone and insecure and he just cries until his throat is raspy and his eyes are incredibly puffy and red

nico’s crying too

suddenly, he’s shocked when nico talks/signs about how his life was messed up too

he’s still horrified at bianca’s death and blames percy so much and he’s still not over his crush on him

like he hates him but he idolizes him, and its tearing him apart

he just wants a normal love life but instead he got unrequited love and it slowly tore him apart to where he became even more cold and quiet

and then he talks about how his life on the streets were too, how he hates how his father kept secrets from him, how bianca left him more than once times, how his trek in tartarus left him with scars and intense nightmares

he’s afraid of death too

and he knows how leo feels, to be trapped and sorrowed by our own lives and dreams

but he stopped running away

he tells leo that his friends are here for him, even though it must not seem like it

hes felt what leo’s felt and refuses to let him deal with it alone

he knows leo’s still paranoid about being left out as the seventh wheel and says that without the seventh wheel the car wouldn’t be what it was today

he dealt with his pain alone and it ended with him feeling like an outcast, so he cant leave leo to take it on himself by running away like he did

and he makes a promise on the river styx that he’ll help him

leo’s just quiet and aghast

then silent tears come down his face, relieved that he isn’t alone in this world

that he doesn’t have to be only one to carry his burden

he asks nico if hes alright with helping someone as miserable as him, and nico nods, saying he didn’t make a styx promise for nothing

and even if leo still has horrible nightmares or anxieties or if he even goes insane, he’ll stay with him

and leo for once feels at ease

he lays his head on nico’s shoulder and for once hes at peace

nico doesn’t mind

after that, leo slowly recovers

hes not okay but hes getting better

he finally got a hearing aid and almost cried of joy when he could hear everything / he starts to talk a bit louder and isn’t as scared as he was with loud sounds

his nightmares and visions and voices are still there but he talks about them with nico and his best friends

he still has several disorders and is far from getting over them but luckily he has people behind his back

he gives prosthetics and other useful items to disabled kids in camp

he hangs out with his friends a lot more and actually laughs for the first time in a few months

he joins the rest of the seven + nico and reyna to talk about happier times before and after the quest

he sometimes talks with chiron about his problems since the old man is loving and kind and deserves more respect

he even finds new friends that he never thought would happen (thalia, drew, will, the stolls, clarisse, etc)

him and nico never actually talked before the little half-blood hill thing, but afterwards they started to get to know each other better

they talked about their problems and interests and everything that happened in their lives

leo never felt this kind of feeling of freedom and hope and love with anyone

eventually after several years they got together and honestly they couldn’t be happier

finally, leo and his mom

his wonderwall let him have a small, limited talk with her and leo was incredibly anxious

so nico summons her and its the most heartbreaking event ever

leo tries to hug her and esperanza tries too but they realize theyre in different worlds whoops

so they just express their deep love and missing each other, and leo talks about everything thats happened and even talks about how he blamed himself for her death

esperanza doesn’t let him think that

she tells him he was the best gift to her in her whole existence, and she wants him to always remember her - but not kill himself for her

she wants him to be happy, and she wants him to always remember her existence

and leo feels so much weight lifted from his chest

leo might have illusions and dreams and visions and voices and disorders that still horrify him

but he also has an amazing soulmate, great friends that are with him forever, a loving mother, and a bunch of demigods who share his pain and will be with him till the end

his life isn’t perfect

but its still beautiful

You all can add more!

#leo valdez #headcanons #sad #disorders #trauma #valdangelo #nico di angelo #demigods #seriously they experience so much shit #they have hard lives #so heres a headcanon list #why does everything I touch turn into valdangelo #I don't understand #but seriously #leo shouldn't be okay #hes happy but hes still traumatized #but he has friends and a sweet love and that's what matters #love for leo #pjo #hoo #heroes of olympus #percy jackson and the olympians #esperanza valdez #death #i just want my son to be happy #he suffers so much omg let him rest #recovery