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chooseyouovereveryone · 3 years

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10 Years Of Songbird: Brittana Fan Project

Hello my fellow Brittana lovers!

First of all, happy 10 years to the iconic Glee episode that is Rumours and the beautifully moving performance that is Songbird. Such a pivotal part in Brittana's story, and one that will forever be ingrained in my mind. Naya's voice still gives me goosebumps and reduces me to tears on that performance, paired with Heather's genuine tearful reaction.

Second of all, this is up slightly later than planned so apologies for that, but Tumblr glitched on me big time and I had to repost this all again which considering I had a draft built up for days, was rather inconvenient, but we’re here now and hopefully it was worth the wait!

Putting this project together has brought me so much joy in revisiting my favourite ship. I don't think I will ever tire of reading about them, and hearing from others why they love them so much and how this ship resonated with them.

For me, Brittany and Santana were the first positive representation I saw of a WLW relationship. I was shook to the core watching their story unfold, in how much it mirrored what was going on in my own life with my own denial and with my own relationship. I found myself clinging to that storyline like an anchor, as if it was going to give me the answers to my own story. Throughout all the confusion I had in my own coming out and realisation that I was a lesbian, the storyline gave me hope that one day, everything would be okay. Watching them go from confused and conflicted best friends to wives gave me so much hope for the future, and now as a 27 year old out and proud gay woman, I still look at this storyline with the same love-filled eyes.

Even as Glee ended and I stepped away from the fandom, Brittana have always been a huge part of my life, always there in the background, always my comfort storyline to turn to and rewatch a bunch of times. But losing Naya last year really brought me back to the fandom and the community and reminded me why I loved them so much.

I think what I love most of all about this ship is how organic it was. It came from the fans, and from Naya and Heather encouraging the writers to take it seriously. Because of this, I also wanted to add in some little touches of Heya, and include quotes from Naya and Heather talking about their fave scenes.

I'll forever be indebted to this storyline in what felt like a really hard and confusing time in my teenage years.

So thank you Naya

Thank you Heather.

& thank you so much to all of you for taking part.

Also a huge shoutout once again to @hopefulobjectmiracle for letting me use her idea and for providing help along the way. She came up with the concept for this project with Klaine, and I wanted to create a Brittana version, but I'd strongly recommend checking out her Klaine one if you haven't already.

I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed putting it together :)

Brittany & Santana Talk To Holly Holliday About Their Feelings- 2x15, “Sexy”

Choosing a favorite scene is hard so I'll choose one of my favorite lines: in the episode Sexy when Santana and Brittany first talk to Holly about their sexuality, Britt says "I don't know how I feel because Santana refuses to talk about it".

I love this line because most people would play it off as Brittany being a simpleton, but that's not the case. Brittany is saying she doesn't know if she's allowed to like Santana as more than her best friend. She doesn't know if it's right. Because if Santana isn't in to girls then Brittany could be crossing a line, a line where she could possibly be making Santana uncomfortable. Brittany obviously knows how she feels about Santana but she wants to make sure Santana feels for her in the same way before admitting to it, as not to ruin what they already have.

-@neversatisfiedwithlife

Landslide- 2x15, “Sexy”

It was incredibly difficult for me to choose my favorite Brittana scene. There are so many that I love and find important to me...some of these moments were even literally life-altering. Before Brittana, for example, I didn't know that girls could be gay, and I had no idea that what I felt for some of my female friends was anything other than platonic. I'm sure I would have realized I was queer eventually, but this ship and the fandom that I found myself in made the process so much easier for me. But I digress :)

I eventually narrowed it down to four choices—Landslide, Songbird, the Heart Locker Scene in New York, and Cherish/Cherish in Heart, and out of these I've decided to single out Landslide as my numero uno, as it was this very scene that started my decade-long love affair with this ship :)

There are so many things that I love about this scene. Earlier in the show we see Brittany attempt to talk about their relationship knowing that they were more than just best-friends-with-benefits, but Santana would instantly close herself off. Still, Brittany pressed on, determined to understand what they had become, while Santana began to realize that what they had—what they could become—was worth letting herself be vulnerable, worth the risk of getting herself hurt. The fact that Landslide was the product of this early struggle gives it so much meaning ;u;

The scene itself has all these details that make my heart ache in the best way possible...the way they look at each other throughout the song, Santana's eyes a myriad of emotions, full of sadness, confusion, conflict, longing, Britt's eyes filled with concern knowing how much it's taking her best friend to be so vulnerable, then the pride that shines through when she looks at Santana after the performance; the way that Santana's voice breaks singing "and I'm getting older, too"; when she stands afterwards and goes over to Brittany, and Britt opens her arms to hold Santana instantly like it's a reflex; the way that they fit against each other so perfectly, like they were made to be in each other's arms...even the visual composition of the scene was perfect ToT That instant of them hugging each other is a study in contrasts with the way Britt's flaxen hair shines against Santana's night-dark head, and with the way Santana's soft white blouse contrasts against Brittany's deep blue denim top ;u; It's gorgeous.

-@randomcanbian

My fav Brittana scene is when they sing landslide together, because it was one of the first times we got to Santana be so vulnerable

-@snowpickles

What is a landslide? Simply put, it’s defined as a collapse of a mass of earth or rock from a mountain or cliff. That’s the perfect way to describe the rocky relationship between Santana and Brittany in S2, and it‘s exactly why their performance of the infamous Fleetwood Mac song of the same name (Sexy; 2x15) is such a pivotal moment in time in for them.

Santana showed a side of herself to her friends, but most importantly to Brittany, that many would deem her incapable of ever doing. For that moment she allowed that brick wall she always had built up around her for protection to come slowly crumbling down. And the best part? She allowed that — wanted that — to happen. She needed to bare her soul to the person she loved most, but she wasn‘t sure how or when, or if she ever could.

Seeing Santana put her heart on her sleeve and confess her feelings of love and admiration for Brittany through song — finally — is one of the highlights of the entire series for me. We see her trap herself within a new world for a few minutes, one that contains only the two of them through her eyes, and let her emotions do the talking. Brittany understood everything without a single word being spoken to her. Santana hadn’t opened up to anyone at this point about how she felt, not even to herself, but so much was understood between them without saying nothing at all. My favorite spoken line is Brittany‘s, „Is that really how you feel?“

As a viewer, it was such an infamous moment because we now get to cheer for them. We see that they are on the same page with one another, that through it all, their attraction and desire for one another never wavered. They wouldn’t be a a couple for quite a bit more time, but they both now understood what we as viewers saw all along. Santana stopped denying her sexuality; she stopped denying what Brittany meant to herself. She still had a lot to sort out and wasn’t ready to free herself from the constraints of her sexuality, but she made the biggest move: allowing Brittany on the other side of that wall with her.

This performance let to the scene we grew to love known as the Hurt Locker, which is the scene that made the Brittana fandom sing praise to the high heavens. Santana felt like she could finally confess her feelings to Brittany. She was terrified, but she somehow found the courage within herself to stop closing the door on opportunities. So, I‘m thankful for Holly Holiday for being the person that Santana and Brittany felt comfortable enough to go to, and I‘m thankful for her willingness to perform with them, because it gave us much more than a song — it gave us hope. It gave us validation. It gave us Brittana.

-@TheWednesdayProject on Reddit

Hurt Locker-2x15, “Sexy”

"A lot of people have said that scene gave them courage to come out to their parents and their friends and their loved ones, so I think that it's something that's very important, and I hope that we handled it responsibly which I think that we did"- Naya (PaleyFest 2012)

Hurt Locker is my fave scene - just Santana finally coming to feel and admit the truth within. I've probably watched it a thousand times and I'll never get sick of it. The expressions and unspoken acting Naya and Heather put into it give me all the feels!

-@chasingseals

Okay so my favorite Brittana scene is probably the scene where Santana express her feelings for Brittany during “sexy” and says she’s afraid to be with Brittany because of the talks and the way people are gonna stare and that she wasn’t even afraid to what people would say to her face but to what people would say behind her back.

And that’s because I feel the same way. I’m not a lesbian, I’m bisexual, but at the moment I have a girlfriend and I am so afraid to come out to even the rest of my family (apart from my parents and sister) because I always hear them talking about these girls with names such as “dyke” or something, and it was good to see on tv someone with the same fears and it is so good to see that they had a happy ending and got married and that all this started when they decided “not to care” about everybody else’s opinions and be themselves and be happy.

-@wankybjtch

It’s so, so strange to do this without Naya, but here we are, and she and Heather made this all so beautiful. When I tried to answer this question about my favorite scene, I went first to Songbird - Naya has one of my favorite voices in this whole world - and then to Landslide, and then to Me Against the Music, and all those answers seemed really good. Brittany and Santana spoke to each other so much through music - voices and words and touch - and Heather and Naya gave themselves to their characters so much - and Naya to song so much, and Heather to dance - that they would disappear into Brittana, and would just seem like they were love, made visible. Brittana is love always seems like such a true thing to say, to me. But while what occurred to me first were three songs, I realized that my favorite scene - the one that hit me the hardest - will probably always be the Hurt Locker.

Naya was just so shining there, Santana so full of love and this terrible ache and this more terrible hope, all for Brittany, that you could see Heather glowing back, though so much more quietly. It was an absolutely tremendous thing to see a full-on love scene playing out in the middle of a crowded hallway. Naya and Heather were so beautiful together, as friends and as actresses and as onscreen lovers, and after seeing that scene for the first time, I cried every day for a week, always at these quiet, unexpected times. The love and the hurt and the fear and the hope were so raw in Santana - both in Naya’s performance and in the beautiful script - that it brought everything back about the confusion of starting out with that Oh, god. I am never, never going to be like everyone else. I love her way, way too much. But somehow, the scene made my whole world feel safer. I could see myself, and others could see me. There we were on the screen, worthy and beautiful. <3 Tess

-@venuscomb

Songbird- 2x19, “Rumours”

"I really enjoyed watching Naya sing Songbird. That's ingrained in my head, that time where I sat in the choir room and listened to her sing Songbird, because her voice is just of another world. It's always been my favorite. I will never forget that."- Heather (Entertainment Weekly 2021)

My favorite moment is Santana singing Songbird to Brittany because that is an all time classic romantic song, and Santana (Naya) sings it beautifully, and Brittany just sits there mesmerized. Plus I love what they are wearing, and how they look. i think it's signifcant that Santana sang her love for her here in the choir room, and it's where they had many of their big moments - first together, the break-up song, the flowers in 5, the proposal.

-@1908jmd

My fav scene is 100% Songbird. It’s always been my favourite song and to see it applied to a wlw relationship changed my life a lot because it made me realise that it could be me one day. Santana was always my favourite character too, so to see someone that i appreciated a lot come to terms with their sexuality made me really happy

-@illegally-luthor

My first fav scene out of two is Songbird of course because seeing Santana pouring her heart out to Britt is just the most beautiful thing ever. She was scared to accept who she really was and when it comes to her love for Brittany she’s not scared anymore because loving her is the easiest thing to do. Plus, seeing how Britt reacted was so beautiful. She knew Santana was scared and she was proud of how she confessed her love, through a song, because she knew Santana wasn’t good with words.

-@chloesnix2b

Heart Locker- 2x22, “New York”

My favorite Brittana scene is after Nationals in 2x22 by the lockers.

What I love most about this scene is Brittanys tell it how it is attitude. When Santana said that it clearly wasn’t about winning for her, Brittany looked right through her bullshit, knowing that Santana was getting defensive, because Santana knew what this year was really about for Brittany (and herself too of course), she just didn’t want to admit to it.

You can clearly see that Santana is still scared and hiding and that she still feels like she’s is going to lose Brittany any moment. But Brittany reassures her, tells her how much she loves Santana and makes her feel safe.

My favorite Brittany is always when she’s finally allowed to have feelings and say something. Often the writers didn’t give her anything to do or just made her a caricature of a person. But when she was allowed to express herself, it was in her truest, most vulnerable form. Due to writing, Brittana often seemed one sided, but it’s moments like these that show us how much Brittany loves Santana and how much she wants only the best for her.

For me, the scene felt like the real beginning. They have been taking baby steps before, treading the water. But now Brittany dove right in and her boldness made Santana follow her :)

"What about you and I?", "I love you Santana, I love you more than I‘ve ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything is possible."

-@bolintheturtleduck

I absolutely love every scene that they’re in together, but my favorite is the one where Brittany and Santana are standing outside of the lockers, talking about the glee club. i feel like it showed a lot about Santana’s character at the time and it really inspired me.

-@hoodiestring

Officially Dating - 3x04, “Pot O' Gold”

Their first official date at Breadstix!

Santana and Brittany sitting in the warm lighting of their favourite restaurant in the almost comfortable awkwardness of their tender baby relationship melted something in my baby lesbian heart.

They're teenaged best friends who fell in love and this scene is just so fluffy and cozy and perfectly reflects their dynamic - they're so obviously head over heels for each other and everything about their relationship feels new and electric and full of possibility, but they've also been love each other forever. Santana's eyes lighting up at Britt holding her hand and Britt being so purely herself and everything about the scene just screams home to me and is the moment the show really became about them to me.

-@grassberry639

One of my favorite scenes is the Breadstix scene with the holding hand under a napkin because I could completely relate to it when I was dating girls that was still not yet 100% ready to come out.

-@charisadrastea

Rumour Has It/Someone Like You- 3x06, “Mash Off”

My other favorite is the Rumour Has It/Someone Like You scene because the performance was so beautiful and haunting.

-@charisadrastea

For me, it was the Adele Mashup (specifically the longing looks exchanged during it). I watched that scene over and over again when I was a kid because I felt like it did a great job of truly encapsulating what it's like to have feelings that you desperately want to pursue but can't do to your surroundings. The whole thing really stuck with me.

Naya's performance felt so genuine and, throughout that entire song, you could really feel what Santana was going through as a closeted lesbian who was terrified of losing everything. And the fact that Brittany was so close during the whole performance and, yet, instead of her singing one of the lead parts with her, they just exchange looks. I just thought it did a great job of expressing a trapped feeling.

-@aaverageperson

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face- 3x10, “Yes/No”

My favourite Brittana scene would be the small flashback when the girls are singing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.

Santana sees Brittany’s face for the first time and she melts.

Their smiles are so soft and I love the instant connection they both have.

-@mostlygleethoughts

My favourite Brittana moment happens when Santana is singing, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. She sings the line, “I felt your heart so close to mine,” while a flashback of her and Brittany in the locker room plays. I get teary-eyed whenever I watch this scene. The love between them is so beautiful, and it’s so refreshing to see genuine sapphic love portrayed on screen.

-@sapphicbrittana

Cherish/Cherish- 3x13, “Heart”

It took me so long to decide on what my favorite Brittana scene is but i ultimately decided on the scene at the end of Heart. It’s just such a sweet moment for them. They are openly going on a date and even kiss in front of other people without caring about what anyone might say. They have come so far from the beginning of their relationship and it is just lovely to see them be so happy with each other.

-@sugarcarnation

Ok so my second favorite scene is in 3x13 when Santana asked the god squad to sing a song for Britt. So the scene at Breadstick at the end and the kiss they shared after Cherish/Cherish is just beautiful. Seeing Santana being so proud to call Brittany her girlfriend and singing her song for her is everything to me. Also Britt’s reaction was too cute. The love in her eyes when Joe told them the god squad was going to perform for her is the cutest thing ever. The kiss they shared at the end of the song was so passionate and it gives me butterflies every time I see the scene. It was also the first Brittana kiss we saw onscreen.

-@chloesnix2b

I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)- 3x17, “Dance With Somebody”

"Watching Heather dance is fun in this number, I never get tired of watching her dance."- Naya (BTS Dance With Somebody)

"They put us in twinzies outfits. We've been singing to each other like crazies"- Heather (BTS Dance With Somebody)

My favourite Brittana scene would have to be dance with somebody (the song). I love how happy they both are and how much fun they’re having together!!! The context is romantic, but they’re also having fun as best friends, which is the root of their relationship. I just think it’s really sweet and I’m a sucker for happy pretty ladies dancing around and making each other ridiculously happy. That’s all!!!

-@kurtanaaa

Tongue Tied- 3x21, “Nationals”

Q: What’s your favourite Brittana moment? A: The slow motion celebration smooch when we won Nationals

-Naya (Twitter Q&A 2012)

Mine- 4x04, “The Break Up”

It might seem strange, to choose a breakup scene for a couple's best. It's a scene that broke thousands of hearts and continues to make us cry, even after having seen the whole journey unfold and even after knowing that Brittana will, in the end, be okay. But to me, it's a scene that encapsulates much of what I love about these two and what they mean to each other. "Sophomore year, I used to sit in this back row and secretly watch you. I counted the number of times you'd smile at me, and I'd die on days that you didn't." Half the reason why I chose this scene is this quote. The sheer power of it still shakes me whenever I hear Santana utter these words. The sincerity behind them makes me stop and truly consider what it is she’s saying. It’s a summary of their journey so far. It’s a moment of incredible vulnerability, the confession of a girl who fell in love with her best friend and was terrified of the consequences of that love. Not as much as she was terrified of what it would mean to not be loved back, though.

But Brittany loves Santana with the same passion, even if it manifests differently. It’s why she holds on as long as she can and why it’s even harder for Santana to face their issues. Because you see, I understand that many dislike the reasoning behind their breakup and that it only happened here because everyone else was doing it. But there’s something so deeply caring about the way they consciously make the decision not to hurt each other by leaving themselves in this in-between state of long-distance relationships. Something so genuine about the way they say they would never cheat on each other but also something so mature in realizing that they can’t be what the other needs right now. That, to me, displays such a pure form of love. As pure as catching glances and counting smiles in the back row. As pure as words of encouragement and saying to someone: I'm yours.

Even though they were already inseparable in sophomore year, Brittany smiling at Santana during Glee practice is an intimate moment that meant everything to her. And even though it hurts, Santana letting go of Brittany before they can even think of hurting each other is such a deep declaration of love. What makes it bittersweet yet hopeful instead of just being heart-shattering is the way Santana turns the otherwise optimistic and romantic song “Mine” into a sad one, creating one of the show’s most gorgeous solo performances in the process. Because when she sings Brittany is the best thing that’s ever been hers, we all know it was true in sophomore year, it is true now and it will be on the day they exchange vows. Because Santana’s right when she sings they’re gonna make it, even if it takes a while. Even if they are (and we are) crying right now, even if it takes a few more days of dying in the absence of Brittany’s smile lighting up her world. Because even when they’re breaking up, Brittana reaffirm that they’ll always love each other the most.

-@tuiyla

Santana Walks Brittany Out Of The Auditorium One Last Time- 4x22, “All Or Nothing”

“I really liked the moment in the last episode, when we knew that Brittany was going away and it was a really sad vibe and Santana showed up and just took her hand and walked her off, I thought that was sweet.”- Naya (Perez Hilton 2013)

Valerie- 5x12, “100”

My favorite scene by a pretty wide margin is “Valerie” from “100”. It’s got that palpable backstage chemistry that Naya and Heather had that shone through so clearly in season 1, it’s poetically choreographed, and the songs even more lyrically significant than before.

I believe that Santana and Brittany are at their best and most smitten when they’re doing what Naya and Heather love the most: singing and dancing, respectively. This is no exception. Just look at Brittany trying not to smile at the beginning. When the shot is on her after Santana starts to sing, you can see her face change from smiles to grimace as if she had forgotten herself. You can’t tell me Heather didn’t break there for a second.

Every little mannerism throughout the whole sequence is laced with that fun, alarmingly pure energy. It could’ve been just excellent acting, but it felt so real. And why wouldn’t it? Naya had to learn Heather’s dance from “Sectionals”. Watching your best friend pull off some of your most iconic moves and then joining in, that’s gotta be fun.

Yeah, Santana’s dancing the choreography from their sectionals with Mike. Within the capacity of an untrained dancer, of course. She’s trying to get Brittany back into the groove by dancing probably the most involved number that the New Directions have ever done. And one that Brittany probably had the most fun with because she choreographed it with Mike. That’s some good writing. And it works, and it’s cute, but once Brittany joins in, the sequence deviates from the original.

We get this just wonderful moment of Brittany dancing solo centerstage fully embracing her passion. After she gets her moment, she and Santana dance either with each other swing-style or towards each other. You can’t forget about that embrace at the end when Santana sort of dips her. They’re not even back together at this point. Santana doesn’t want to get back together at this point. But I feel like I’m watching them dancing at their wedding 3 hours into the reception.

And I mean what an appropriate song to use given the circumstance. “Valerie” is about missing an ex after coming back to your hometown. When we heard Santana solo it at sectionals, it wasn’t super meaningful. It was an excellent way to show off Santana’s vocals and Brittany and Mike’s choreography somewhat independently. But here? Let’s talk about line distribution.

First verse, Santana sings solo. Notably, Brittany is harmonizing behind her piecemeal. By the chorus, she’s joined with Santana fully. Second verse, she’s soloing, joining the dance and by the end they’re dancing together. They’re singing and dancing about missing each other together.

But the song’s not my favorite part. Not even the dance. Not really. My favorite part is the culmination. Santana and Brittany are participating in each other’s disciplines and passions.

That’s an awesome couple right there. They went from singing and dancing somewhat removed from each other to singing and dancing with each other, and even when they were broken up, they still shared their respective passions with each other effortlessly.

-@leatherzaddy on Reddit

My favorite Brittana scene is Valerie S5. It just feels so significant to me that Santana chose this particular song to get Britt out of her funk. Valerie is special to both of them, it’s the first competition solo Santana ever got and it was the first time we ever got to witness the dance skills of one Brittany S. Pierce.

It was the first time Brittany got to show off how talented she was and how she was so much more than the dumb blonde everyone thought she was. Now, however, no one thinks she’s dumb. Now everyone sees her as just another statistic for MIT.

Santana, however, sees right through that and sees her for who she really is - not dumb, not just a genius, but Brittany, the girl who loves to dance. So Santana picks the same song from the first time Brittany got to show off her dancing to prove to her once again that dancing is what she’s meant to do.

-@hopefulobjectmiracle

Churros Kiss- 5x12, “100”

The infamous churros scene lives in my head rent free. Why? Because we saw a level of confidence in Brittany that we had never seen before and, in that moment, we were all rooting for her for giving us what we knew was right and what we knew we needed. The fans knew Brittana was endgame, Brittany knew, and we just sat back and waited for Santana to realize it as well. (Let’s give her credit: she knew.) We had waited 1.5 seasons for more and we finally got it, mouthful of churros and all.

I love this scene because we see Santana and Brittany a bit older and a lot wiser; Brittany knows that after all the time they had spent apart, Santana is the only one she really wants and she felt like she needed to tell her, to show her, before it was too late. I feel like everything Brittany did in this scene was very spontaneous and on a whim, and it makes it that much hotter.

The kiss. It’s my favorite kiss between the couple by a mile. Brittany put her heart on her sleeve and risked everything and just went in for the kill. You can see the twinkle in her eye right before she leaned in and she didn’t hesitate to show Santana what she wanted. I do appreciate Santana’s hesitancy because of their storyline at the time, but I don’t doubt for a second that she didn’t want Brittany back, too. She was just incredibly cautious, and no doubt, caught by surprise. They had been through so much and had finally found a place in their friendship/relationship where scars were healing and hearts weren’t as broken as before.

You can see in the way Santana looks at her after being kissed, the way in which she listens to her, that the wheels in her head are already turning. We know she knows what Brittany is saying is true. She just has to process what this means for her, for them, for her life back in New York. She’s just putting the scattered puzzle pieces back together, but she knows what the picture already looks like.

The kiss on the cheek? The delicious cherry on top. Brittany, having already been pushed away, one again doubled down on how she felt and so quickly, and respectfully, reminded Santana of that. You can see Santana’s breath hitch during this moment when their faces are so close together, and it’s obvious that her love for Brittany never wavered. As she always was, smitten is her middle name.

Brittana’s entire relationship from S1-S6 can be summed up, for me, with one infamous line spoken by Brittany during the churros scene, “You can’t recreate what you and I have.”

-@TheWednesdayProject on Reddit

The Lilies Scene- 5x13, “New Directions”

I will always remember being a curious and scared teenager. I was almost in high school when Brittana became official and it suckerpunched me. The fear, the anxiety, the angst, the love, all of it was so relatable. Brittana had so many trials and tribulations and they always came out better and stronger both as individuals as a couple. My favorite Brittana scene is the lily scene because it was the beginning of them consciously choosing each other. The growth <3

-@yesandmusicals

My favorite Brittana scene is when Brittany fills the room with lilies for Santana. It really proves that the connection between them is incredibly strong and they understand each other better than anyone else. Their chemistry is off the charts and you can really feel their love for each other through the screen. The way Santana sinks into Brittany like she’s coming home and the way Britt runs her fingers up and down Santana’s arm <3 Everything about it is perfect.

-@santinacedes

I think my favorite Brittana scene is the one in 5x13, where Brittany fills the choir room with lilies for Santana, because that was the biggest time when I could truly feel their love for one another and their support of each other.

-@allweseeisskyforever

The Bedroom Scene- 6x03, “Jagged Little Tapestry”

It's hard to pick one favorite scene because I just love them all. But I'm gonna go with the scene that made me the happiest and that's the bedroom scene before the proposal because it's such an intimate moment between the two of them. They talk about their future together, about how happy they are and of course "I will love you until infinity". I've wanted a scene like that since I started shipping them in season 2. And watching that scene for the first time was one of the happiest moments in my life. And when I'm feeling down I just watch this scene again and everything gets better.

-@brittanaaresoulmates13

Santana proposes to Brittany- 6x03, “Jagged Little Tapestry

My fav Brittana scene is the proposal bc it means so much to both of them. It takes place where they fell in love and there’s so many parts in the song that remind me so much of their past

-@arf128

My favourite Brittana scene is probably Santana proposing to Brittany because the number they do before is fire🔥 and BRITTANA GETS ENGAGED!!

-@pennywarbler

Hallway Scene- 6x06, “What The World Needs Now”

I LOVE THE ‘did I ever tell you that I love you’ MOMENT. The little kiss and the way Santana nudges her head in Brittany’s neck. I love the whole episode, it’s so powerful and as a lesbian I really felt seen and represented.

I love that Santana reminds Brittany of heaven. I love that Brittany loves Santana so unconditionally, that she would do anything to see her happy. Brittany knows that Santana is super happy right now, but she also knows that she really misses her abuela and that she’s sad she’s not coming to the wedding. Britt’s really doing her best for Santana, and that really shows how much she loves her.

I love that we see Santana’s vulnerable side in this episode and I love to see Brittany’s protective side (especially during and after Alfie). Although abuela said she wasn’t coming, I love how the episode ended because it really shows how much Santana has grown and how much love she has in her life right now.

-@sapphosongbird

Brittany Confronts Santana’s Abuela- 6x06, “What The World Needs Now”

After Santana sings “Alfie” to Abuela López as if her life depended on it in hopes that her Abuela would be a part of her life again, we have my favorite Brittana moment. At first, Abuela is confused and shocked to find out that she’s been tricked into seeing Santana sing. Brittany quickly confessed that she did trick her and informed Abuela, but also informed Abuela not only that she is Santana’s fiancée but that she loves her so much that she would do anything for her. Santana is quick to look at Abuela to gauge her reaction. Santana is hoping she has an opportunity to explain and to try to make her see how much she loves and needs Abuela in her life. Santana brings up how much Abuela means to her and how much being raised by this woman has made her a strong woman.

It’s likely that Abulea immigrated from another country. Like many children from immigrant families, they know the sacrifices their family took to her there. Santana likely heard from father (as i think Alma is her paternal grandmother) about the importance of doing good in school (and her education as she values it) and likely heard stories about the many jobs her grandma took. Likely those that are stereotypical like agricultural work, working in restaurants, or working as a cleaning lady. Jobs that were all she could get because of the limits society places on her (Abuela). ( Santana really admires this woman. She lets her know how much in the coming out scene. )

Santana embraces being Latina and holds no apology for being so, and admits that she is bigger and better than the limits society places on her. Santana wants to continue to be bigger and better. She admits that she can’t (or doesn’t want to) do that without Brittany and Abuela. Santana feels she simply exists without them. Perhaps also saying that they give her the strength she needs to be bigger and better. She is oh so hopeful that reminding her of all that will make her Abuela come along.

Unfortunately, it is not enough for Abuela. She reminds Santana that she loves her, but not enough to attend the stop following her beliefs. She adamantly says that girls marry boys and not other girls. It’s a sin in Abuela’s eyes, and she refuses to attend the wedding. What happens next in this scene makes me so proud of Santana. Before this moment, Santana was this scared little girl who hid behind this HBIC persona. In short, Santana struggled to love and accept herself. She dated guys for status. She rejected Brittany for so long and told her she was using her and didn’t love her. She had beards and even wrote a song about a boy. She had confessed to Brittany that she was scared about all the talks and looks she would get from others. She hid her feelings and love for Brittany and pushed her away into another person's arms. While doing so, she was more angry and miserable than she had ever been. She had to witness the girl she loved more than anything be with someone else because she was too scared, and it hurt her. It would take some more time for her to embrace herself fully. Even then, she didn’t have much choice. She was forced into accepting herself because she was outed to everyone in her school, in Lima, and in Ohio (and anyone who stumbled across that campaign ad online). Still, she did eventually get there. It was not easy for her at all, but she got there. She was happy. She surrounded herself with the love of her friends. She grew as a person. She became friendlier, was happier, and she allowed herself to love others (Brittany, Dani). Moving to New York was scary for her, but she did it anyway (with a little shove from Brittany (again, she thinks they helped to make her bigger and better). She helped her friends get a job, auditioned for Broadway, went to auditions, held various jobs, and attended school.

Santana remembered how Abuela taught her to be bigger and better than her school, her city, and her state would ever allow her to be when she was in New York. She was even bigger and better than the limits she had placed on herself, especially when she was in high school. She was determined to make something of herself. Sometimes even doing things that weren’t even her dream.

No matter the years that had passed, Brittany knew that despite Santana saying she was okay and choosing Brittany over everyone, including the woman that meant so much to her, Santana still missed her Abuela. In this scene, unlike the last time when Santana bravely confessed to Abuela about her feelings and was gay by herself, Brittany was there alongside Santana. Brittany quickly stepped in to protect the woman she loved. Despite being upset that things aren’t going as they had hoped, she puts on a brave face and tells Abuela that it is okay if she doesn’t go. With a smile and some spunk, Brittany tells Abuela they don’t want her there. Santana is surprised that Brittany spoke up at first, too.

Brittany, who usually is kind and sweet, had her claws out. She used her genius mind to give statistical facts she’d read about to tell Abuela off. Usually, Santana would know not to speak to Abuela in such a manner. This is likely because Santana knows better. Her Abuela likely taught her to respect her elders or at least always to respect her. When Brittany finishes talking, Abuela expects Santana to apologize and stick up for her, but to Alma’s surprise, Santana doesn’t. Instead, Santana, the girl who was scared to tell her Abuela she was gay because she feared losing her, stood by Brittany, the woman she loved and who had told her Abuela to go on and love herself in a way Santana likely never has and would never dare to.

Santana doesn’t just defend Brittany or stands by her. Santana refers to her relationship with Brittany as love. She uses their love as an example of what love is. Santana, the girl who told Brittany she didn’t love her and that she was nothing more than just sex because Puck was in the slammer, the girl who refused to talk about feelings, and the girl who panicked when Rachel referred to their duet as sapphic romance, told her Abuela that what she and Brittany share is love. She uses the words “real love” to describe their relationship and what they had.

The choice of Santana words is significant. Likely, Abuela empathized the importance of love when it came to family (even if Santana experienced a lot of tough love from Abuela, her dad, and likely other family members like her mom.) all her life. Santana likely had seen a lot of it.

The choice of the word “real” may indicate just how deeply Santana was hurt when Abuela disowned her. We did see her cry in season 3 when Santana came out to her. Still, the choice of words makes me think that Santana felt deceived about family sticking together and loving each other no matter what (something Abuela mentions in this very same episode in the Queso Por Dos segment) because of how quickly things changed when she came out. All it took was a confession and a few seconds for that love to disappear.

It’s possible she viewed what she knew as love before, as fake love, or love that was not unconditional. Santana choosing to use “real love” to describe her relationship with Brittany is Santana saying, “We stick together and love each other unconditionally, unlike you and I or my own blood.”

Santana then says that Brittany is her family. Again, Santana reminds us that she chooses Brittany over anyone. Again, she’s touching on her previous statement that she and Brittany are an example of “real love” or (as Santana believes with all her heart) a family that sticks together and loves each other no matter what. This is a big deal for Santana.

She is coming full circle because, in the early seasons, Brittany didn’t always come first. She often came second or last to status, beards, prom queen, people’s opinions, etc.

Santana, a girl that misses Abuela, the person she wishes would love her again, has reached a point in her life where she loves herself and Brittany so much that she no longer needs her Abuela or her support, love, and approval. Santana knows she has a lot of that already. A lot, a lot.

The next part in this scene is parallel to Abuela and Santana’s previous scene some years prior from season 3 when Santana comes out to her. In season 3, Abuela told Santana to leave her house with no other word after Santana came out. Despite Santana’s pleas, Abuela had had the final say. In this scene, things are different. Instead of faltering and hiding, Santana puts her foot down and stands her ground. She keeps her head high and has the final say (something that I believe Abuela taught her when teaching her how to be bigger and better than what the world was going to give her permission to be), and Abuela had no choice but to walk away without another word.

To finish this scene, Santana leans into Brittany. Brittany comforts her (like I’m sure Brittany did the first time Santana came into Abuela the moment she could (which I believe was as soon as Santana got into her car where Britt was waiting (just in case Abuela wanted to meet her))). Santana knows she can count on Brittany. She is her family now. They stick together and love each other no matter what, even if it means being disappointed when things don’t go as planned.

Had Abuela and Santana never made up, I would have been completely okay with it because this scene shows a lot of growth in Santana.

It makes me feel so proud of Santana. She cared so much about others' approval. She had been so scared of her feelings for Brittany that she let herself be miserable and made others feel that way, too. Santana ended up being bigger and better than the limits she and society places on her. In doing so, she learned to accept and love herself, Brittany, and their family. Proudly so. While she wanted Abuela in her life, she decided to let Abuela go and instead surround herself with her new family, one that had plenty of “true love.” A lot, a lot.

That is freaking beautiful, and I absolutely love it.

(Also, protective Britt is 😍🥰).

-@lylyluvda916

Pre-Wedding Scene- 6x08

Q: Favourite Glee scene ever? A: My wedding! -Naya (Twitter Q&A 2015)

“My favourite scene to film was the wedding with me and Naya. It’s just a beautiful memory that I am so thankful I have during this time. It happened at the same time as I was getting married, and it just felt like a double wedding, if you will, because that was the title of the episode. It just kind of summed up our entire relationship on the show and it felt so real, and so magical, to do that with one of my best friends.”- Heather (Cameo 2015)

After too much thinking, I’ve decided that my favorite Brittana scene is the pre wedding when they’re getting ready and Britt freaks out because Santana sees her before the wedding, thinking it’s a bad luck thing. And then Santana says to her that rules don’t apply to them and that they make their own luck. After that they kiss in the most perfect way. It’s my favorite because by saying that to Brittany, Santana made it clear that no matter what traditions say or people believe, everyone can choose how to be happy.

-@awesome-shipper

My favourite Brittana scene would have to be just the whole wedding episode if i’m being honest aha (i love all the Brittana scenes lol its soo hard to choose haha) because it shows that love is love and that anyone can get married if you love one another doesn’t have to be man and women, it can be women and women or even man and man! Love is love! I love the episode also because they are just soo cute in it lol, like Brittany having all the pre wedding worries and then Santana calming her down, ahhh its just soo cute aha.

-@elmamacca

It’s so ridiculously hard to pick my favourite Brittana scene, when they all mean so much. Each one means something different for them in terms of their story. Though they may lack screen time compared to other couples on the show, their scenes are filled with so many firsts. First time Santana admits her feelings, first time they mention their officially dating, first kiss, first I love you in a relationship when they're both happy...so they’re each special for different reasons. Even the break up has Santana admit for the first time that she had feelings for Brittany way back in Sophomore year (S1). Something that was implied but never verbalised before that point.

It's hard to pin it down to just one. I love 2x15 for the obvious reasons of getting to see Santana admit what was already clear to see. That she loved Brittany. Seeing her finally admit that was just really poignant for me.

Landslide and Songbird hold such special places in my heart. The bravery. The love. Everything. I felt it all.

Heart was the fluff we so sorely craved for 3 seasons, and they finally we got it in the best way, and we got our first on screen kiss (3 times over).

5x12/5x13 had me feeling euphoric because finally after a season of absolute crap they finally got back together. The kiss was amazing, and we got to see Brittany lay it all on the line for Santana and make it clear who her top choice always was deep down.

6x03 was like a treasure trove of pure joy. The softest bed scene ever which I love for, my fav duet from them and ofc the proposal. Seeing Santana so boldly (I felt so proud of her in this moment) declare her love for Brittany in front of everyone (something she once thought she'd never be able to do), and for Brittany to be able to see that after their rocky start of "I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies", was everything! The call backs to Landslide were just ugh, and it really showed how far they had come. Santana’s speech and how nervous she is, plus Britt’s tears and the way she snatches the ring, lives in my head rent free.

6x06 is also like, incredible, and one of my fav ever Brittana episodes. Just the whole damn episode and how domesticated they are, Santana’s bravery, Brittany’s protectiveness, all the soft af dialogue that looks like it’s been plucked straight from a fanfic. The “did I ever tell you that I love you?” “tell me again” scene is one of my all time favourite scenes from them ever, and I can’t with how utterly adorable and playful and in love they are. Essentially, my love for the ship holds no bounds so there are too many “fave scenes” to count. Truthfully, I could write an in-depth analysis about every single one one of their scenes and how it touched me in some way, but I think if I had to pick just one I'd go with 6x08 the pre-wedding scene.

It's their last major "two-shot" scene and I honestly think it captures everything. Not only is it just contextually sweet the way Santana can't wait any longer to see Brittany and the words that she says, and the way Brittany is nervously freaking out, it ties up a lot of their story. Santana says with confidence "you love me, and I love you" after what seems like a lifetime of self-doubt, finally she knows Brittany loves her and no longer has to question that. This is the same girl who begged Brittany to say she loved her back as a scared closeted teenager, and now she's standing in front of her on their wedding day knowing that Brittany loves her without even needing to hear it. But regardless we do get an "I love you so much" from Brittany, unprovoked by Santana, which again is a callback to that heartbreaking 2x15 scene. It was all Santana ever wanted to hear back then, now she gets to hear it so freely on their wedding day. Their wedding day guys!? Nothing can ever top that for me, for them to have that ending to such a imperfectly perfect story, after all the erasure, the angst, the break-up, seeing them with other people, watching Brittany go off to MIT and thinking yep...this ship is done because Heather's never coming back now.

The way Santana manages to calm Brittany and make her see clearly, is everything, and it really shows that yin/yang dynamic that I love so much about them.

Being someone who felt like I was living vicariously through them and seeing them get the ending of all endings and get married which is such a rarity (or certainly was at the time) for WLW ships was EVERYTHING. There's also the kiss (my fav kiss of there's) and the fact that moments later Abuela comes in and finally makes amends with Santana. It was the perfect, happy, full circle ending to a rollercoaster of a story, and nothing will ever get more satisfying than that.

-@chooseyouovereveryone

Full List Of Scenes & YouTube Links

Brittany & Santana Talk To Holly Holliday About Their Feelings

Landslide

Hurt Locker

Songbird

Heart Locker

Officially Dating

Rumour Has It/Someone Like You

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Cherish/Cherish

I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)

Tongue Tied

Mine

Santana Walks Brittany Out Of The Auditorium One Last Time

Valerie

Churros Kiss

The Lilies Scene

The Bedroom Scene

The Proposal

The Hallway Scene

Brittany Confronts Santana’s Abuela

Pre-Wedding Scene

Top 5 Scenes

Each of them had 3 responses each.

Landslide

Hurt Locker

Songbird

Lilies Scene

Pre-Wedding Scene

Season Breakdown

Season 2, Season 3, Season 6 (5 scenes each)

Season 5 (3 scenes)

Season 4 (1 scene)

Season Popularity By Number Of Responses

Season 2 (12 responses)

Season 3 (9 responses)

Season 6 (8 responses)

Season 5 (6 responses)

Season 4 (1 response)

Thank you all so much for reading, participating, sharing etc. I really hope you’ve enjoyed it!

#brittana #brittany and santana #glee #gleeks #glee brittana #glee brittany #glee santana #santana lopez #brittany s.pierce #brittany pierce #rumours #10yearsofbrittana #10yearsofrumours #brittana fan project #brittany x santana

112 notes · View notes

kimjoongs-main · 4 years

Text

golden kiss ; ml

— 「friends-to-lovers!mark au」

—「13.7k words」

—「warning(s): cursing」

—「fluff/angst」

The world was always so dull and filled with various shades of blue and gray. Once in a while, you’d see a flash of green or a splash of orange, but they never lingered. You always wondered what gold looked like.

You would never forget the first time you saw a rainbow. The rain had just begun to dissipate, leaving a single ray of sunshine in its wake. You were around five (maybe six?) years old at the time, accompanying your mother during her weekly grocery runs. You walked out of the store, your grubby little fingers gently grasped in her dainty ones.

You took a quick glance at the sky, letting out a quiet, yet excited, gasp. You frantically shook your mother’s arm and pointed upward, bouncing on the tips of your toes.

“Mommy, look! Do you see that? It’s so pretty!”

Endeared by the vibrant look on your face, your mother simply smiled, kneeling down so the two of you were the same height. She laid a gentle hand on your cheek, tenderly caressing your rough cheeks. She also noticed a streak of brown near the corner of your lips—it was most likely chocolate.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. Her husband must have given you a piece after she made it clear he wasn’t supposed to.

She opened them.

Gold.

“Yes, it’s very pretty,” she said with a chuckle.”Very colorful, right?”

You nodded happily, gaze still locked on the pattern of vibrant shades streaked across the otherwise dull sky.

“Do you know which one is my favorite?” your mother asked, tugging your small body closer so that you rested on her thigh. You tore your eyes away from the rainbow for just a moment to shake your head.

She pointed up to the sky and leaned forward. “That one. The orange one.”

You followed where she was pointing at, and you tilted your head to the side.

“Why?” you asked her curiously. Your mother smiled again, shifting you on her leg so that she could place a gentle kiss on your forehead. She closed her eyes, and then opened them once again.

Orange.

“Because it’s the color I see whenever I look at you.”

— — —

Perhaps you should’ve been more prudent, more self-aware. As of late, it seemed as if the world found joy in making sure your life was as dull and drab as it could possibly be. In short, you were tired—tired of seeing the same shades of blue, some lighter and some darker than others. At times, if you were unlucky enough, you’d see gray pop up here and there.

It was becoming ridiculous at this point.

You had no one to blame but yourself, really. You brought this upon yourself, and the only way you were going to get out of it was to stop being so...so…

Hopeful.

Maybe if you were more closed off, more indifferent, then the world would eventually grow bored at your lack of emotion. Maybe it would stop, and you could clear the dullness on your own. It had reached a point where you had almost forgotten what green or red looked like.

Almost.

“Y/n, if you keep dozing off like that someone is going to steal that pizza off your plate, and it’s going to be me.” Renjun poked your cheek sharply, drawing his hand back with a satisfied smirk when you swatted him away with a huff. From beside you, Jaemin snickered.

“I wouldn’t if I were you, Renjun,” he said, swinging his arm around your shoulder. “Remember when Mark ate one of her tater tots? I thought I was about to witness a murder.”

You rolled your eyes, shrugging off his arm and taking a bite out of your pizza, sending Renjun a warning glare. He responded by sticking his tongue out at you, proceeding to take a bite out of his lunch. From where you were sitting, you could just barely see Jeno and Mark who were seated diagonally from you. The two of them were hunched over the table, watching something (most likely a video) on Mark’s phone. They would occasionally laugh, sometimes a little too loudly, warranting a harsh glare from the table next to yours.

Renjun and Jaemin had taken to conversing calmly with each other, talking about some assignment that was supposed to be due in three weeks. You had just returned from the library, exhausted and emotionally drained. If any of your friends noticed the bags underneath your eyes, they didn’t voice it.

You almost kind of wished they had. At the very least, it would’ve taken your attention away from the cloudy shades that plagued your sight every time you blinked.

You were just so tired.

“Hey, does anyone know where Donghyuck is?” Jeno asked, finally looking up from the phone, a frown pulling at his lips. “He never misses lunch.”

And as if on cue, the door to the cafeteria burst open, and in came in the man of the hour. Donghyuck had the biggest grin on his face—which wasn’t unusual—but you could tell from the second he ran in that this was different.

And if you weren’t so out of it, you might have noticed the patch of green appearing in the corner of your eyes. Even so, you couldn’t help the small smile that creeped up on your face. Apparently, the others couldn’t either, judging from the way they all collectively let out a breathy chuckle.

Donghyuck’s happiness was infectious to say the least.

“Guys! Guys, you’ll never believe what just happened!” he exclaimed, stopping just before his body slammed into the table. The boy was practically vibrating with excitement. You shook your head playfully and reached out, grabbing onto Donghyuck’s sleeve and tugging him down so he was sitting next to you.

“Calm down before you hurt yourself,” you snorted, patting his shoulder. “What happened?”

“Okay, so you know how Hana and I went on a date last night?”

The entire table nodded. You saw Renjun smirk.

“Well, everything was going super well, and at the end of the night I…” he trailed off, choosing to cover his face with his hands and proceeding to scream into them. The others groaned, urging him to just spit it out.

“You what? Come on Hyuck, you can’t just leave us hanging like–”

“I told her I loved her.”

You froze.

Jeno’s jaw dropped so low, you were afraid he was going to bump it on the table. Jaemin choked on a bite of pizza. Renjun tried to discreetly, but unsuccessfully, hide his growing smirk behind his hand. Mark just looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Blissfully unaware of your reactions to the bomb he had just dropped, Donghyuck continued.

You almost wished he hadn’t.

“And I saw it. I saw–I saw gold,” he breathed as he gripped the edge of the table tightly.

And it was odd—the feeling deep inside your chest. You didn’t know what it was, but you knew it hurt.

It hurt so much.

Now that probably sounded ridiculous. One of your best friends just revealed that he emptied his heart out to someone, and you were sitting there, feeling completely and utterly crushed? Honestly, what right did you have to feel that way? Especially now, of all times? Fuck, maybe you were more tired than you thought.

Jaemin was the first to break the silence. “Holy shit! How did it feel? Was it better than everyone says it is? Dude, come on–you have to tell us everything!”

By now the entire table—save for you and Mark—were engaged in a full blown conversation. You wanted to congratulate him, tell him that you were happy for him. And you were. You were really, truly happy for him. Everyone deserved to know what being in love and seeing love felt like.

But no matter how hard you tried, no matter how hard you looked, you couldn’t find a trace of green anywhere.

No, no. You were just being selfish. Yeah, that’s what he said earlier—wasn’t it? He accused you of being selfish, of being unable to feel for him what he felt for you. But you knew he was wrong. You knew there was no way that what he felt for you was worth the same as...the same as seeing it.

But how could you be so sure? You’ve never seen it. You’ve never felt it. You were just basing everything off of blind faith.

But you held onto that hope.

Like an idiot.

You knew it was unfair. You knew it wasn’t true.

Suddenly, your phone chimed, and your gaze flickered over to it. Mark had sent you a text message. You looked up—the others were still engrossed in their conversation; Donghyuck practically had hearts floating around his head. You grabbed your phone, peering at the text.

[Are you okay?]

You almost snorted, but held it in. Honestly, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise to you. If anyone was perceptive enough to sense that something was wrong, it was Mark. But even more so since it was you. His best friend since elementary school. His partner in crime. You couldn’t remember a time where Mark was never there for you. He was your rock.

[I’ll tell you later]

[Okay :((]

[Are we still on for tonight?]

[Are you still paying for the food?]

You scoffed, hiding the playful grin on your lips by biting your thumb.

[Only if you’re driving]

Now it was Mark’s turn to scoff. From across the table, you saw him set his phone down. He picked up a french fry from his tray, sticking his tongue out at you. That caused you to laugh as you put your own phone down, leaning forward and resting your head into your palm. You listened on as Donghyuck continued his heartfelt ramblings.

The way your heart clenched whenever he said that word did not go unnoticed by you, but you swallowed the lump forming in your throat, choosing to tolerate it for now. Your eyes locked with Mark’s, and he flashed you a gentle smile.

A spark of—

Suddenly, you weren’t so tired anymore.

— — —

Mark was seven when he saw you, the new student and also his classmate, sitting alone at recess.

He planted his feet firmly on the ground, wincing when they dragged across the hot sand, and he stared at you curiously for a minute.

You were sitting against the trunk of a tree, head buried in your knees and arms wrapped around your head. From where Mark was perched on the swings, he couldn’t tell if you were crying or not.

Mark waited another moment, watching you carefully, before he hesitantly stood up and walked over to you. He wasn’t the most sociable child, but regardless, he didn’t like the fact that you were on your own. Mark stood next to your hunched figure for a second before he squatted down.

“Are you okay?”

Mark didn’t know how you were going to react, but he wasn’t expecting you to flinch away from him, letting out a startled shriek and pushing yourself back into the tree. You had raised your head, and Mark could see a tinge of red coloring the corners of your eyes.

You were crying.

Instinctively, Mark raised his hands up, palms facing towards you. He straightened himself out—not so much so that he was standing, but just enough so that he was still bent at the waist. He saw the way your hands clenched, nails digging into the soil.

“Sorry, sorry!” he exclaimed, taking a small step back. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just– you were all alone so I thought you maybe...wanted a–a friend?”

You just stared at him, not saying a word, and Mark began to shuffle his feet uncomfortably. Slowly, he extended one of his hands towards you. You flinched away again, but not as aggressively—eyeing his outstretched hand skeptically.

“W-Who..?” you whispered so quietly, unsure if he had even heard you, but he did.

“My name’s Mark,” he responded with a gentle smile. “You’re new, right? I’m in your class. It’s nice to meet you.”

You frowned slightly, brows furrowed as you tried to remember his face. It was all just a blur to you; that morning was rough and exhausting, and you just wanted to forget about it. But for some reason, the longer you continued to look at the boy in front you, the better you felt.

The blue was still there. A lot of it.

But you couldn’t deny noticing the white, hazy shade gradually starting to take over.

And your chest felt lighter.

Mark’s hand was still hanging between the two of you, waiting to either be pulled back or tugged forward. He chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully. He could see that you were still a bit apprehensive, but he didn’t want to pull his hand away too soon.

And sure enough, slowly but surely, you lifted your hand up and carefully placed it in his own, fingers curling around his palm. Mark smiled, a genuine one, and he shook your hand, firmly but gently.

“I’m Y/n,” you said softly, sniffling. You were no longer crying, and the tears tracks on your cheeks were now considerably dry. Mark took that as a good sign. He crouched down again, making sure to maintain a comfortable distance between the two of you.

You had shifted so that your body wasn’t pressed against the tree anymore. Your knees were still pulled up to your chest, but you didn’t hide your face in them anymore. Instead, you chose to focus your attention at the ground, picking at the blades of grass and tugging them out of the soil.

Now that you had gotten over your initial shock, you didn’t quite know what else to say. You weren’t really expecting anyone, let alone a fellow classmate, to come over and talk to you. Everyone else was running around, playing with their friends, too indulged in their own friendships to even notice that you were alone.

You didn’t blame them though.

You didn’t want to be the new kid. Being the new kid meant having to start from scratch, having to relearn everything. Being the new kid meant change; you didn’t like change. Your parents knew that. They knew you better than anyone.

So why did they—

“Um, do...do you wanna go play on the swings with me?” Mark asked suddenly. Your head whipped at, eyes wide, and he pointed to the other end of the playground.

“You–You want me to play with you?” you trailed off at the end, hesitant and unsure. Mark nodded his head quickly, the small tufts of his hair covering almost the entire upper half of his face. He had this look on him—he wasn’t smiling—but you could tell he was being genuine.

He stood up, brushing the dirt off of his pants, and he extended his hand out to you again.

“We’re friends now, aren’t we? Friends play together.”

Friends.

He called you his friend.

You liked how that sounded.

Fading blue.

“Y/n?” Mark stood there expectantly, hand inching closer. Truthfully, he didn’t want to rush you, but recess was ending soon and he really, really wanted to go on the swings again before someone else took it.

“Uh, y-yeah. Okay.”

Unlike before, you weren’t quite as hesitant to take Mark’s hand this time. You allowed him to pull you up and drag you over to the swing set. Mark sat in one and you in the other.

The two of you spent the rest of the recess time swinging, and as time passed, it became difficult for you to wipe the huge grin off your face. Next to you, Mark was having the time of his life, giggling as his body flew upwards and shrieking as he was brought back down. His laughter was contagious, and you fortunately fell victim to it, allowing giggles of your own to slip from your lips.

Blue.

Blue?

Green.

A short while later, the teachers came out and rallied everyone up, telling them to go inside and pack their backpacks since it was time to go home. Once you and Mark were safely back in the classroom and all packed up, he asked if you wanted to play with him again tomorrow.

You said yes.

And true to your word, you and Mark met up at the swings again the next day.

And the next day.

When your mom would pick you up from school, you would animatedly tell her about your new friend—to which she would respond by petting your hair affectionately. She told you that you should invite him over one day for a playdate, and you practically beamed.

Green. So much green.

Pretty soon, your school playdates with Mark started extending outside of school. Then those playdates turned into sleepovers, which turned into staying over for days on end.

Your friendship with Mark started off at an odd place. Strangely enough, after your first encounter, he never asked you again why you were crying.

But he didn’t have to.

He figured it out eventually.

He met your mom. He didn’t meet your dad.

That was okay. You didn’t want him to anyway.

As the days, weeks, months, years went by, your bond with Mark only grew stronger. The two of you became inseparable in no time. After leaving elementary, you started middle school together, and then you moved on to high school.

You enjoyed being around Mark. He was always there to cheer you on and hype you up whenever you needed it. Over time, you watched as Mark became more and more sociable, attracting people to him like moths to a lamp. It didn’t surprise you in the slightest. If Mark Lee could manage to charm you—a sniffling, snotty-nosed seven year old—then he could charm pretty much anyone.

His social circle was continuous, always expanding, eventually creating knots and kinks along the way. It was quite overwhelming. Whenever Mark was around his friends, he felt like he was being pulled and dragged every which way—he couldn’t catch his breath. Sometimes it felt like he was trapped in a maze with all of the exits closed off, and Mark was tired of running around. The circle was endless.

But you weren’t.

No matter how many friends Mark made, no matter how many people craved his attention, no matter how much he ran—he always found his way back to you.

And you were always there, sitting at the swings, waiting for him with the biggest smile on your face. He felt like he could breathe again.

And for the longest time, all you saw was green.

And for the longest time, all he saw was…

— — —

“Rough day?” Your mother raised an eyebrow when she saw you walk in, tossing your backpack onto the couch with a huff.

You trudged over to where she was sitting at the kitchen table, tugging your jacket off and plopping down in a chair. Your mother offered you a gentle smile and slid one of two cups that were resting next to her elbow over to you. You peered inside.

It was a cup of tea.

And it was still warm.

You almost cried.

Your mother waited patiently as you sipped on your tea, turning to face the kitchen window and admiring the flowers that were growing in the flower bed. She recently obtained a newfound love for marigolds, and planted them wherever she could see an empty spot of soil.

You chose not to question it.

“He broke up with me this morning.”

Your mother paused for a moment, eyes still locked on the window. You set your mug down, circling your finger along the rim. The steam from the tea hit your skin, providing you with a split second of warmth—a stark contrast to the chill that has been plaguing your mind, body, and soul all day.

You didn’t feel tired anymore, for some strange reason.

After a moment of just complete silence, your mother turned to you. The corners of her eyes were slightly downturned, and from this angle you could just make out the fine wrinkles underneath her lower lashes. It pained you to see them.

Your mother used to laugh a lot, and when she did, you would always see the crinkles in the corners of her eyes scrunch up. It was one of, if not, your favorite thing about her.

“And how are you feeling?” she asked, softly but clearly. She didn’t need to bother with the formalities of comfort right now, which you appreciated. Getting straight to the point sometimes proved to be more beneficial rather than delaying the inevitable.

You snorted. “Would you laugh if I said blue?”

Her eyes softened, and she reached out, laying her hand over yours, stroking it with her thumb. It was a gesture you grew to love; you always tried to offer it to others. Your mother stayed quiet, allowing you to continue.

“I just–I don’t know what to do about it, Mom. It’s not that I’m desperate or anything, but I just—” you took a deep breath, collecting your thoughts. “When you start seeing the same thing over and over and over again…”

So much blue. So much fucking blue.

“...you become sick of it.”

You’ve had your fair share of romantic relationships, with each of them ending on an even worse note than the previous one. Every heartbreak brought in a new shade, a deeper one. You’ve never seen so much of it in your life. And yes, from time to time a splash of pink or a sparkle of orange would pop up, as if to remind you that they haven’t left. They were still there.

But you grew sick of them too. You just wanted something else, something different.

You took a glance at your mother, studying her expression. Her gaze was still soft, but her mouth was curved downwards. Her thumb still stroked your hand, and she squeezed tightly every now and then. You wondered what she could see right now. What spot in the spectrum was appearing before her eyes right now?

You were always too hesitant to ask, scared that you would bestow the same gloom upon her that had been bestowed upon you.

But you didn’t know how else to get your answers.

So you took a risk.

“What’s it like?” you pleaded, albeit a little reluctantly. “What does...What does gold feel like?”

You internally winced when your mother visibly stiffened, caught off guard by the sudden question. She clearly had not been expecting you to ask that.

“I’m sorry!” you interjected before she could say anything. “That was insensitive, I shouldn’t have asked. Forget about it, you don’t need to—”

“It’s the best thing you could ever hope to feel.”

You shut your mouth at your mother’s words. Her hand was no longer on yours, pulled back and resting in front of her. She wasn’t looking at you anymore either. Your heart was practically resting in your stomach.

“The first time I saw it, I was overwhelmed,” she continued. “It was such a bright color—so vibrant and so grandiose. I knew right then and there that that was something I wanted to hold onto for the rest of my life. It almost felt..wrong–like someone as mundane as me should not have been allowed to experience it.”

She gave you a smile. Her eyes didn’t crinkle.

But you knew it was genuine.

“And I can’t wait for you to see it, one day.”

Your breath hitched.

How did she do that? How was she able to have so much faith, so much hope, in you? All hope ever brought you were false promises and broken hearts. Hope was the reason you were drowning in this dull, dark haze, wishing for someone to reach in and pull you out.

Yet here she was, gazing at you with enough faith and hope to last a lifetime.

And for a second, you almost believed her.

— — —

You checked the time.

7:49 p.m.

Mark had been gone for about fifteen minutes. You sighed, tossing your phone onto the grass. You knew you shouldn’t have trusted him to be hasty. Knowing him, he was probably making conversation with the cashier, asking him about their day.

Or maybe he saw a dog on his way back and spent five minutes just petting it—

Well, actually you wouldn’t blame him for that one.

But still, you were cold and hungry and if Mark didn’t appear in the next five minutes, you were going to—

“Sorry, sorry!” came Mark’s apologetic voice. “I couldn’t decide which milk tea I wanted, so I was standing there for like ten minutes just staring at the menu.”

Mark came dashing over to where you were perched on the grass, holding your drinks in one hand (how he managed to carry two cups in one hand was beyond you) and two wax paper bags in the other. When he arrived at your little rendezvous point, he promptly plopped down, handing you your respective drink and pastry. You smiled at him, glad to be able to satiate the hunger that’s been knocking you down all afternoon.

You kind of regretted rejecting your mom’s offer to fetch you a snack earlier.

“Why does that not surprise me?” you mused, taking your chocolate croissant out of the bag and biting into it.

“I mean, technically it’s also your fault I took so long,” Mark countered, biting into his cinnamon bun. “You know I get distracted easily. Maybe you should’ve been the one to go inside.”

“Either way, I still would’ve had to wait while your ass jumped back and forth between the tapioca or the poppers—speaking of, you owe me fifteen dollars for the food.”

“Wha—” Mark sputtered. “You said me driving us here would be considered payment!”

You smirked. “Well, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you made me wait out here in the cold for fifteen minutes.”

You dodged the small piece of cinnamon bun that came your way, a soft shriek leaving your lips. Mark sent you a glare, but there was nothing harsh about it. You stuck your tongue out at him, giggling quietly.

This was nice. Ever since finals season started, it was hard for you and Mark to meet up. Well, actually you guys did meet up a lot, but it was mostly at the library where the two of you ended up burying yourselves beneath a pile of textbooks and ten cups of coffee. You never really had the luxury to just hang out, just the two of you.

Especially since you were also occupied with your relationship—

Blue.

Fuck.

You groaned, setting your croissant down and rubbing your cheek in frustration. Everything was going so well.

“Is the croissant that bad?” Mark teased, his nose scrunching.

You sighed. “Nope, I’m just an idiot.”

Mark hummed. “Yeah, you are. What’s new?”

You hit him on the shoulder, unamused. He just laughed.

“Kidding, kidding,” he held his hands up in surrender. “Now, what’s wrong? You were looking a bit down earlier too.”

You shifted around so that one leg was resting Mark’s lap, and the other was bent towards you. You leaned back, resting your torso against the base of the lamppost. You took a few seconds to recollect your thoughts, sorting through what you wanted to say and what you wanted to keep to yourself. Meanwhile, Mark took it upon himself to fiddle with your shoelaces, untying them and sticking them inside your shoe. He didn’t prompt you.

He never did.

The two of you could sit there for hours—you refusing to say a word, deciding last minute that you didn’t want to reveal anything, and Mark would be none the wiser.

It was yet another part of his character that you adored. Mark never forced anyone to abide by his means, even if he was dying to know. It just wasn’t like him. He respected people’s boundaries and would much rather eat dirt than ever impose himself on anyone—especially you.

You remember him telling you a few years ago, back when the two of you were still in middle school, that if he ever forced you to say or do anything that you would slap him across the face. Of course, hearing that horrified you (because you would also rather eat dirt than inflict any harm, emotional or physical, on your best friend), but you promised him anyway.

To this day, Mark’s kept that streak going, and he wasn’t willing to screw it up now.

“So, you know Jun, right?” You mentally facepalmed. Of course he knew who Jun was; you spent six months gushing about him—

“Yeah, your boyfriend,” Mark responded, still playing with your shoelaces with a certain fascination you couldn’t understand.

You winced. “Uh...ex-boyfriend, actually. He broke up with me this morning.”

Mark finally looked up, eyes wide. “Really? What happened? I thought things were going great—”

“They were,” you interrupted, biting your bottom lip nervously. “Well, at least I thought they were.”

“What did he say?”

You sighed once more, tilting your head back to gaze up at the sky. If you were in a different situation, you might have made a comment about how pretty the stars looked (and they were very pretty).

But tonight wasn’t the night.

“Um, I’m not really sure?” you admitted sheepishly, eyes downcast. “The last thing I remember was him saying that he couldn’t do this anymore, and that I...I…”

Your throat tightened.

Mark brought his head down and peered at your face, contorted into one that displayed obvious concern.

“You what?” he coaxed.

It was weird. You had never felt so strongly about a breakup before. Sure, you were heartbroken, but it never resorted to anything more than you taking an angry nap or eating your feelings away. Could you even call that heartbroken? You didn’t know.

But what you did know, was that your vision was suddenly blurry. Hot tears stung at the corners of your eyes, threatening to drip down should you make one wrong move. You almost wanted to hit yourself.

This was supposed to be a fun night out with your best friend, whom you haven’t the pleasure of being around for more than an hour at most—and you were sitting here, crying over some boy who will most likely never acknowledge you ever again. You were stupid. You were so stupid. You had never let this get to you this deeply before, why now? Of all times, why did you suddenly think that now was the best time to release your woes?

Or maybe, none of this was ever in your control in the first place. Maybe your body just decided enough was enough and took a risk—throwing itself into a hole with no knowledge that there was going to be some form of a safety net waiting at the bottom. Everything felt like it was on autopilot, and you were stumbling, trying to regain control, but you just kept falling, falling, falling—

And there was so much blue. So much fucking blue. So much of it you couldn’t breathe. You just wanted it to go away and never fucking come back because you were sick and tired and over it and—

“Y/n? Y/n!” Mark shot up quickly, scrambling over to your hunched figure.

You had suddenly burst into tears, and your first instinct was to curl up into a ball. Your knees were tucked close to your chest, head buried deep into them and arms tightly wrapped around yourself. A series of sobs fell from your lips, some quiet and some loud, and your eyes were clenched shut, trying (and failing) to keep the tears at bay. There was a heavy pressure, dragging you down farther and farther, refusing to let up.

It felt like you were seven years old again, crouched next to a tree and crying. Crying because you were the new kid. Crying because your parents fought that morning. Crying because no one wanted to be your friend. Crying because you were all alone.

You weren’t crying over him. No, not anymore. This was different.

This was personal.

Mark could tell that much.

His hands hovered over you, hesitant and unsure. Mark comforting you while you cried wasn’t unusual, but he hadn’t expected you to break down so suddenly—so he was currently stuck in a gray area. Eventually, he couldn’t handle the sounds of your sobbing any longer, so he did the first thing that came to his mind.

Mark carefully grasped your wrists, gently unwrapping them from where they were tightly wound around your head. He paused for a second, checking to see if you were going to resist, then tugged you towards him when there was no response from you. Mark sat back, allowing you to fall into his chest, his arms coming up and enclosing themselves around your shaking figure. One arm cradled your head while the other was thrown around your waist. You buried your face in Mark’s neck, salty tears soaking the collar of his hoodie.

You didn’t know what was happening.

All you knew was that your best friend was there, raw and real.

Your fingers gripped the back of his hoodie so tightly, you almost tore the fabric. You felt Mark’s fingers stroking your hair softly, occasionally massaging the base of your scalp. Your throat ached so badly, but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop the onslaught of cries that left your lips.

And for the next ten, fifteen minutes or so, the two of you just stayed where you were. Neither of you needed to move nor wanted to.

If you found comfort and healing lying on top of Mark with his arms squeezing you so, so tightly, then who was he to rob that of you?

And only when your heaving sobs died down and turned into weak hiccups, did he slowly remove his arm from your waist. He kept one arm around your upper back, his thumb rubbing your shoulder. You sniffled a few more times before turning your head so that it was no longer hiding in Mark’s neck.

You refused to open your eyes, afraid that you were going to see it again.

So you kept them shut.

“Y/n?” Mark said your name so lightly, you probably wouldn’t have heard it if your ear wasn’t right next to his mouth. “What...What was that?”

His tone wasn’t accusing, but confused. So innocently confused.

You exhaled shakily. Mark held you tighter.

“Blue,” you breathed out. Mark gazed down at you, puzzled.

“Blue? What does—”

“It’s all I can see,” you muttered weakly. “Every time I blink, when I wake up in the morning, before I go to bed at night–it’s all I can see. Nothing else, just...blue.”

The only other person who knew about your dilemma was your mom. You never told anyone else about it. Not even Mark.

Until now that is.

You didn’t have a particular reason—it just didn’t come up before.This poses the question: if you hadn’t reacted the way you did earlier, would you have told him? The answer should be obvious; you never shied away from spilling even your darkest, deepest secrets to Mark. Anything you said was met with no judgement nor scorn, just warmth and understanding.

That’s who Mark was. Warm and understanding.

So it didn’t come as a shock to you when others found themselves utterly charmed by his pure nature. You weren’t the only who was romantically involved with another person. Mark has had some dating experience tucked under his belt.

Your stomach churned at the thought, and the sensation that suddenly spread across your chest was burning. Stinging. If you didn’t know any better, you might have thought there were needles pricking into your skin, piercing through and coming into contact with your heart—so fragile, so vulnerable.

You were so foolish. Mark was always understanding of your hardships, but how could you expect him to be understanding about this? This was your best friend you were talking about.

Sweet, kind-hearted, gentle, Mark Lee.

Surely, at some point, he must have felt it too.

“Can...Can I ask you something?” you mumbled, worn out. You felt Mark nod, his chin resting on top of your head.

“Anything.”

“Have you ever seen gold?”

— — –

And for the longest time, all he saw was gold.

However, unlike everyone else, his was more gradual, so gradual he almost didn’t notice it at first.

But it was there.

When you ran into Mark’s arms, tackling him in a hug on the first day of middle school, it was there. When you messed around in Mark’s bathroom during a sleepover, dancing in front of the mirror and pretending you could sing, it was there. When you sent memes to his phone at three in the morning, saying it reminded you of him, it was there. When you asked him to be your date to homecoming freshman year, surprising him with a poster and a stuffed lion, it was there. When you smiled at him, it was there.

Just tiny specks of light, floating around here and there.

It wasn’t until the end of your junior year did he finally realize what it was.

You had both decided to ditch your pathetic attempts at cramming for the final exam, opting to go to the playground instead. Luckily for you, it was only a stone’s throw away from the library. As soon as you stepped foot on the sand, you bolted for the swings with Mark not too far behind you.

For a few hours, it was just the two of you, swinging on the swings like a couple of kids. Neither of you held anything back. It was just pure, unadulterated fun.

And when you flung yourself off the swings for probably the tenth time that night, landing and rolling around on the ground, crevices alight and twinkling laughter escaping your lips, it shone brighter than it ever had before.

It was as if an explosion had gone off in Mark’s head, flooding his vision with the most celestial shade of metallic luster—so vibrant, so inviting, so extravagant, yet so tender and intimate at the same time. He could feel his heart pounding, beating against his chest like a prisoner wanting to escape.

And just like how the specks gradually grew, molding into something substantial, something beautiful, it was made alarmingly clear.

Mark Lee.

Sweet, kind-hearted, gentle, Mark Lee…

...was hopelessly in love with you.

— — —

You didn’t know what you were expecting to feel when Mark finally answered your question.

But you certainly weren’t expecting it to feel like a slap across the face.

“Yeah, I have.”

When you arrived home later that night, eyes tinged red and blurred with fresh tears, your mother said nothing and led you straight to bed.

— — —

When Mark arrived home later that night, heart heavy and mind racing, he slumped down in his desk chair, running a hand through his hair. He sighed tiredly.

On the corner of his desk stood a picture frame. It was a photo of the two of you during an outing with the rest of the gang. You were on Mark’s back, arms wrapped tightly around his neck with the brightest grin on your face, and Mark was holding you up, face contorted into his own form of happiness—eyes tightly shut and mouth open mid-laugh. Jaemin had taken it.

Mark laughed, broken and weak.

“Blue, huh?”

— — —

The weekend passed. You didn’t leave the house.

It was Monday. You didn’t go to school.

Your phone kept going off the entire day, flooded with messages ranging from light-hearted to concerned.

Donghyuck: [Skipping today? Tsk, tsk. I thought I raised you better than this, Y/n.]

Renjun: [I can’t believe you left me alone with Donghyuck and Jaemin.]

Jeno: [Y/nnn :( I miss you]

Jaemin: [Hey, is everything ok?]

Renjun: [You good?]

Donghyuck: [Y/n, please respond when you can, just let us know you’re still alive. Jaemin won’t stop panicking.]

No texts from Mark—that didn’t surprise you in the slightest. The last time you saw each other, it ended on a really strained note. After Mark’s revelation, the mood noticeably dropped, and for the first time in your life, being around him felt suffocating.

Your first instinct was to immediately push him away and stand up, quietly suggesting that it was late and the two of you should head home. You refused to look at him the whole way back.

It’s not that you were upset with him, no. Frankly, you were a hot mess and needed some time alone to sift through what’s been floating around inside your mind and to come to terms with the harsh reality.

The blue stayed.

When you woke up the morning after your outing with Mark, you were horrified at the sight of cerulean still present. You had scrambled out of bed, practically tripping over your own feet as you stumbled your way to your mother’s room, throwing yourself onto her lap.

You spent the entire morning and afternoon in her arms. She never complained.

You cried more the next day.

The blue stayed.

You didn’t cry today.

The blue stayed.

You wanted to.

The blue stayed.

But you didn’t.

The blue stayed.

Maybe your ex was right. Maybe you were selfish. You wanted to know what love felt like for so long, but when you’re given the opportunity to, you don’t take it. Then you complain. You were selfish. You were so selfish.

You are selfish.

Selfish.

Sel—

“Y/n?” Your mother poked her head into the room, eyes darting until they settled on your form wrapped tightly in a mountain of blankets. You blinked, confused, and glanced at the clock next to your bed. Your eyes almost bulged out of their sockets when you saw that it was almost seven o’clock at night.

Were you really in bed the whole day?

“Dinner’s ready. Go wash up and come downstairs, okay?”

Now you’d be lying if you said that the smell of your mother’s cooking didn’t automatically lift up your spirits. If the feeling could be compared, it would be like receiving a much needed hug after a particularly bad day—it’s always the little pieces of happiness that have the largest impact.

Unfortunately for you, no amount of happiness (little or otherwise) was capable of effacing even an inch of the azure canvas before you. It served as a grim reminder of all the pain and loneliness you subjected yourself to, and it only became worse from that point on.

You were blue personified. You weren’t like your friends who embodied shades much brighter than you will ever hope to experience.

Donghyuck was a bright orange; he brought unrestrained strength with him wherever he went. He was the glowing embers in a dying fire—refusing to put out and providing just enough guidance and solidarity to those who needed it.

Renjun was a deep scarlet; his greatest weapon was his sharp tongue and even sharper wit. He was the faint rouge on unsuspecting cheeks—prying into the minds of those poor souls who dared to cross him or the people he held near and dear to his heart.

Jaemin was a vibrant pink; his love language consisted of tender touches and whispered affirmations. He was the sugary taste of melted sweets—casting a spell upon those who have only ever known bitterness and distrust.

Jeno was a dazzling white; he surrounded himself with nothing but pureness and wholesome adoration. He was the moon on a dark, stormy night—creating a path for those who found themselves trapped within the cage of loneliness and despair.

Mark was…

Mark was a combination of every color known to man. He fit everyone’s color palette—no matter how picky theirs were. He was the lush shade of verdant grass in a painting of a meadow. He was the lively pop of lavender in a cave of coal and rubble. He was the dazzling blink of gold, reflecting its luminescent nature on your otherwise gloomy navy.

Your mother said nothing as she set a plate down in front of you. You watched her float about in the kitchen, opening drawers and collecting utensils. Despite the dull ache in your chest, you forced yourself to flash her a smile when she returned to the table, holding a large bowl of what seemed to be a mixture of vegetables and spices (whatever it was, it made your stomach grumble). The smile was anything but genuine, but it was a far cry from the one you tried to give her when Mark dropped you off a few nights ago.

The two of you ate in silence, having already exhausted any and all energy to strike up some small talk. Even if you hadn’t, you didn’t think you had enough brain cells to be able to hold a proper conversation. Your mother wasn’t much of a talker either, which you were grateful for.

Once dinner was over, you took both yours and your mother’s plate and brought it over to the sink, shooting down her offer to wash the plates instead with a shake of your head. You didn’t really feel like returning to your bedroom anytime soon, and a distraction was what you really needed at the moment. You heard soft footsteps lead into the living room and a few seconds later, the sound of the news channel rumbling from the TV. You busied yourself with washing the dishes, purposefully taking longer to scrub down on the plates and utensils.

You were so zoned in on washing that you didn’t hear the doorbell ring, nor did you hear your mother getting up from the couch and opening the door.

And that’s when you heard—

“Oh! Mark? What brings you here?”

You were grateful the water rushing from the faucet was loud enough to hide the sharp noise of a plate being dropped into the sink. You froze where you stood, refusing to believe what you just heard.

“Hi, I-I’m sorry to bother you, but uh–is Y/n home?”

You paused, waiting for your mother’s response. You could tell she was hesitating, debating on whether or not she should tell the truth. Mark wasn’t stupid. You knew he could hear the faucet running and the only other person who would be in the house was you, but you also knew Mark respected your mother as if she was his own—if she said you weren’t home, he wouldn’t argue and simply bid her a goodnight, walking back to his car and going home.

As for you, you didn’t know if you wanted to see Mark or not. One part of you wanted nothing more than to just cower behind the counter in the kitchen, but one part of you was begging to go out there and talk to him—to apologize for the scene you caused that one night and clear the air between the two of you.

“Yeah, she’s home.”

You weren’t sure if the breath you let out was one of relief or pure terror.

“Y/n?” your mother called. “Mark’s here to see you.”

It was now or never.

You shut off the faucet and hastily dried your hands with the dish towel, ignoring the way your fingers shook when you dropped your arms to the side. You exited the kitchen and took a step into the living room. Instantly, your attention landed on your best friend, who was awkwardly standing by your front door. When Mark felt the presence of another person in the room, he lifted his head, sending you a quick quirk of his lips when your eyes made contact.

If it were possible, Mark was more of a mess than you were. He was donned in nothing but sweats and a hoodie with the hood pulled up so that it was almost covering the top half of his face. From where you stood, you could just barely make out the dark shadow lining the area just above his cheeks.

Looks like you weren’t the only one who hadn’t gotten enough sleep.

Your gaze flickered over the right where your mother was standing by the couch. Catching her eye, she sent you a quick nod.

“Well, I’ll leave you two alone to talk,” she said, brushing past you and back into the kitchen. “Call me if you need anything.”

And just like that, the two of you were alone. Neither one of you had moved an inch or said a word—too afraid to be the one who pulls the switch first. Not once in the years that you’ve known each other did either of you feel this sort of stiffness with each other. Even when the two of you first met as kids, there was no awkwardness, no hesitation—just you and Mark. From the moment you met, the two of you worked so well together.

If seven year old Mark and seven year old Y/n can see you right now—see how the two of you can barely even look at each other—there’s no doubt they would be confused.

“Do you…” you started. “Do you wanna talk about this in my room?”

You were half expecting Mark’s answer to be “no,” so you were surprised to see him nod his head once and start heading over to the stairs. When he noticed you weren’t following him, he paused on the second step and peered over his shoulder. He tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow.

“Are you coming?” he asked. “Or are you just going to let me raid your room by myself?”

The corners of his lips quirked up again, and your mind short-circuited at the familiar teasing tone in his voice. You didn’t realize it until now, but you missed him. Granted it’s only been a few days and you’ve gone even longer without seeing each other before, but this was different.

“Touch any of my stuff, and I’ll make sure you aren’t leaving this house alive.”

Mark snickered.

You followed him upstairs.

— — —

Joke’s on you for thinking that this was going to be easy.

It was anything but that.

Mark sat comfortably in your desk chair, fingers twiddling with the cup of pens placed just within his grasp. Meanwhile, you were sitting on the floor with your back resting against the edge of your bed. It had been approximately five minutes, and neither of you had spoken up. However, unlike before, there wasn’t an air of awkwardness surrounding the two of you. It was definitely lighter, mure subdued, something akin to the silence that usually succeeds your more intimate conversations.

It was familiar to say the least.

Mark leaned back into the chair, and his head lolled to the side, deep brown eyes burrowing into yours. Judging from the look on his face, you could see that he was giving you the opportunity to speak first.

Ah, screw it.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out the words without thinking. “I’m sorry for...what happened that night.”

You winced slightly at how ingenuine your apology sounded, but it was an apology nonetheless. From the way your heart was pounding incessantly against your chest, you were expecting to pass out any second now. This shouldn’t have been that hard, yet here you were, struggling to even get a mere apology out. You ran your fingers through your hair, tugging at the roots, keeping your head down low to avoid seeing Mark’s expression.

“I totally just threw all of that on you and freaked out without explaining anything. I’m sorry for ruining our night out, and I’m sorry for ignoring you all weekend.”

You swallowed thickly, staring at the ground and just wanting Mark to say something—

“You didn’t ruin anything,” he murmured softly, so softly you almost didn’t hear him. “And if anyone should be apologizing, it should be me.”

Your head whipped up so fast as you sat there, dumbfounded. What could Mark possibly feel the need to apologize for?

“You don’t—”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past few days,” he said, staring up at the ceiling. His hands were clasped tightly together, resting against his lap. He had tugged the hood down, exposing his signature disheveled locks. The glow of the moon seeping in through your curtains bounced off of his skin, and you found yourself unable to look away.

It almost looked like—

“What were you thinking about?” you asked.

Mark shrugged his shoulders, such a casual gesture in stark contrast to the serious mood that enveloped the room as soon as the two of you walked in. For a moment, you could have sworn you saw Mark’s pupils tremble.

You chose to ignore it—for now.

Mark cleared his throat, letting his head fall forward and straightening his position in the chair. His gaze was locked on the door, staring straight, but his words were directed at you.

“Everything you said to me that night, about the blue—was it true?”

He might have misinterpreted your prolonged silence succeeding his question because Mark was quick to interject.

“Not that I thought you were lying or anything!” he waved his hands up, finally shifting his gaze towards you. “I’m just—”

“Yeah, it’s true,” you said quietly.

Mark’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ shape, and his eyes flickered back and forth between you and the floor. Your lips stretched out into a thin line, not really sure as to what Mark was planning here. Other than him, the only other person you’ve ever talked about this to was your mom—and even then it was to a certain extent.

“You asked me if I’ve ever seen gold, and I said yes,” Mark continued, but he sounded less hesitant this time. You nodded slowly, confused but curious as to where this was going.

Mark bit his bottom lip so hard you were afraid he was going to start bleeding. The knuckles of his hands were beginning to turn white from the way he clenched his fists so tightly. You leaned forward slightly, lips set into a frown.

Mark was nervous.

It wasn’t the first time you’ve seen him like this, yet you couldn’t help but let your worry shine through. Whatever this was about, it was serious.

“I thought I was the only one who experienced something like this,” he said. “I thought that there was something wrong with me—that I was broken or defective or something was wrong with this whole color thing or—”

Mark was full on rambling now, and you shifted forward quickly, resting a gentle hand on his knee. Your voice was soft as you gently coaxed Mark to calm down and breathe.

How ironic.

You watched with careful eyes as Mark shut his own, forcing himself to breathe deeply in and out. Once he was settled, Mark opened his eyes again, and you almost gasped at the intensity of his gaze as he peered down at you.

“I see it everyday,” he whispered hoarsely.

“See what?”

“Gold.”

Your face paled.

You almost wanted to laugh—to scoff in Mark’s face and tell him that that was impossible. But you knew saying that would only make you a walking contradiction.

You didn’t know if it was the shock that came with the revelation or if it was simply exhaustion catching up with your weak constitution, but your hand fell away from Mark’s knee, and you slumped down, shoulders relaxed and head bowed. Mark said nothing as he watched you stumble back, scanning your face and searching for a sign—a sign that told him it was okay to keep going.

Ever so slowly, you lifted your head back up, risking a glance in Mark’s direction. In that brief moment, Mark caught the tiniest sliver of urgency in your eyes, encouraging him to continue.

He swallowed.

“I don’t...I can’t pinpoint exactly when this started happening,” he breathed. “Maybe junior year? All I know is that I woke up one morning and that was all I could see.”

He remembered that day so clearly. When Mark first opened his eyes, he almost fell out of his bed from the sheer shock of it all. He ran into the kitchen, scaring the life out his poor mother whose scoldings died on her lips once she noticed the panicked look on her son’s face. He was so overwhelmed at the sight of such an extravagant, intimate shade plaguing his very existence that it drove him to tears.

It was safe to say his father was both amused and confused when he arrived home from work, seeing his wife donning misty eyes and a tender smile whilst holding their youngest in the tightest of hugs.

Mark had never felt an emotion so strongly in his life, and it was all because of—

“Who…” you said hesitantly, wringing your hands together. “Who is it?”

You weren’t the type of person to force someone, especially your best friend, into revealing something they weren’t comfortable with. But with how Mark was looking at you with the most conflicted expression you’ve ever seen, curiosity overruled your moral pride, and you scooted closer.

“Mark,” you pressed. “Who is it?”

You could tell he was fighting an internal battle, but you didn’t know if he was fighting against you or himself. He bit his lip harshly, eyes flickered all around the room, trying to focus on something—anything!. It was almost like Mark was trying to avoid making direct eye contact with you, as if doing so would reveal even more secrets—more than what he was comfortable with.

Mark had always planned to tell you, except later rather than sooner.

But the longer you stared up at him, crevices crystalline and laced with just the thinnest layer of concern, the harder it was for him to ignore the glimmer of gold, glowing brighter than it had ever done before.

Mark laughed sadly, bending forward at the waist, close enough so that his face was mere inches from yours. He pretended not to notice the way your entire body stiffened at the close proximity.

He faintly registered the feeling of his heart skipping a beat.

“It’s interesting,” he murmured softly, breath hitting your face. It smelled like peppermint. “No matter how dark the room is, it always seems to shine brighter whenever you’re in it.”

You were blue personified.

Blue.

Gold.

Shine brighter whenever you’re in it.

It took you a minute (maybe two) to completely register what he just said. You blinked, mouth parting slightly. Eyes wavered back and forth from the open window, streaming in a sliver of light, back to the set of brown crevices, streaming in a light of their own—something brilliant, something vivid.

And that’s when you realized.

You felt a jolt of electricity course through your veins—from your lower back all the way to your fingertips. A quiet shriek left your lips as you fell back onto your palms, causing Mark to lurch back slightly, not expecting you to have such a knee-jerk reaction. He was undeniably perplexed, but before he could ask if you were okay, you opened your mouth, words tumbling from your lips at an incoherent and alarming rate.

“A-Are you–Are you...is it–it’s not…” you paused, taking a second to breathe. Mark waited patiently, but his hands were shaking ever so slightly.

“It’s not...me, is it?” you croaked.

Understanding finally dawned on Mark’s face, and he smiled—a little lighter this time.

“Yeah, it’s you.”

You should have been happy. You should have jumped at the news, really. Surely, if you were any other person—any other normal person—you would have rejoiced at the fact that Mark Lee, the boy who everyone pined for, the boy who every mother dreamed of having as their son-in-law, confessed his feelings for you.

Confessed his love for you.

But you weren’t happy. You didn’t feel that familiar flare of joy coursing through your blood, providing the heat and glow of adoration to your chest. Your heart rate sped up, but for different reasons.

You weren’t happy. You were devastated.

Blue.

Selfish.

Blue.

Selfish.

Blue.

You didn’t want to be selfish anymore.

“No,” your voice trembled. “No...Mark, you can’t.”

You didn’t want to be selfish anymore.

Mark gaped at you, bewildered. “What do you mean?”

You shook your head frantically, pushing yourself off of the ground and making your way over to the other side of the room. Shaky fingers brushed through your hair as an equally shaky breath fell from your lips.

You didn’t want to be selfish anymore.

Your arms fell to your side, and you swiftly turned around, face contorted into an expression that closely resembled heartbreak.

“You can’t love me,” you sniffled, clenching your fists to keep the tears at bay.

“W-What? Why not?” Mark was genuinely confused, and your vague explanations certainly weren’t helping.

You didn’t want to be selfish anymore.

You winced as if he had yelled. “You just can’t.”

“Y/n, you’re not making any sense,” Mark said firmly, shooting up from the chair. He was no longer confused, but annoyed. “Where is this coming from? What do you mean I can’t—”

“You just can’t, Mark,” you hissed, releasing your hold on the dam, letting it break apart and drip down your cheeks unrestrained. You scrunched your shirt into a fist in front of your chest. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be seen the way you see me—not if I can’t see you in the same way.”

Years of pent up frustration and hurt had finally burst through, unrelenting and inscrutable.

You wet your lips. “You wanna know what happened, the morning after we hung out? I woke up, and all I saw was blue.”

Mark’s stern expression faltered. You wiped a tear away.

“My worst nightmare had come true,” you choked. “I spent so long wishing—hoping—that I would one day know what it feels like to open my eyes and be met with nothing but pure joy and love. In my past relationships, all I’ve ever wanted was to give them what they gave to me, but I-I couldn’t and–and they took it so badly and I—”

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

“Mark, I can’t do that to you,” you said weakly. “You mean so much to me. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

You wiped away the remaining tears on your face but gave up when a fresh batch of tears flooded over. There was a pounding sensation in your head, and you wouldn’t be surprised if you went to bed tonight with a raging headache.

During your little rant, your vision was so blurred (whether it was because of the tears or the blue, you didn’t know) that you failed to notice Mark was now standing directly in front of you instead of from across the room.

Your body jerked when you felt his hands grip your shoulders. Mark was bent slightly at the waist, just enough so that you didn’t have to crane your neck to look at him. His face was set into a scowl.

“You’re such a dumbass,” he hissed, tears of his own beginning to slide down his cheeks.

He removed his hands from your shoulders, bringing them down so they wrapped around your own hands, squeezing hard. You started, stepping back—

“Do you really think it’s that easy?” he scolded, wanting to sob and yell and flick you on the forehead all at the same time. “Do you really think–I can’t just force myself to change, Y/n. I’ve spent so much time feeling what I feel that it’s become almost impossible for me to feel anything else.”

You trembled, and Mark squeezed your hands tighter.

“I don’t choose to love you, Y/n—I just do!” he stressed. “And whether or not you think you deserve it does not change what I feel for you—”

“Mark—”

“Your past relationships don’t define you,” Mark continued. “And if you think I’m just going to stand here and listen to you say that you don’t deserve what I’m giving you, then you don’t know me as well as you think.”

You glanced down at your conjoined hands, and Mark gently rubbed his thumbs over your knuckles.

“You deserve to be loved, Y/n. And you deserve to love, too.”

“And I can’t wait for you to see it, one day.”

The words your mom told you all those days ago rang clearly in your mind, as if agreeing with everything that’s been laid out in front of you.

And you wanted to listen so bad.

But it was hard to focus on anything else when all you could see was a blanket of navy.

You shook your head, pulling away from Mark’s grip and wrapping your arms around yourself, protective and secure.

“Mark, I don’t know if I can,” you pressed. “Nothing’s working. Every time I think I feel something, I open my eyes and it’s all just blue!”

You threw your arms up in frustration, clenching your fists, fingernails digging deeply into the skin.

“It’s only been like this for a few days, but I-I’ve felt this way for so long,” you hissed, eyes misty. “I just want it to stop. I want it gone—all of it! Even if it means I’ll never be able to see the color blue ever again, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

Mark said nothing, and he stepped closer.

“It’s just so...draining,” you drawled, tired of it all. “I can’t even think straight—can’t even go two seconds without being reminded of something that is out of my control!”

And closer.

“Of all the colors, why did it have to be blue?” This wasn’t you talking to Mark anymore. No, you were talking to yourself. “Why couldn’t it have been orange? Or red, or green, or purple? It could’ve been any of the others but of course—with my luck, it had to be blue. Why...Why couldn’t–Why couldn’t it have been—”

“Gold?”

You felt your mouth seal shut. Mark was back to standing directly in front of you, but closer this time. You peered up at him, trying to focus on him rather than the clump of teardrops blurring your vision. His expression was no longer set into a scowl. It was softer, more tender—could maybe even be described as longing. It was a look you recognized all too well.

It was the same look he gave you whenever you surprised him at work. It was the same look he gave you whenever you made silly faces at him during class. It was the same look he gave you whenever you acted a fool in public.It was the same look he gave you whenever you smiled back at him.

The signs of Mark’s love had always been there.

You were just too much of an idiot to realize it.

“Mark, I–” you stammered. “I’m...I’m sorry.”

He smiled sadly. “Sorry for what?”

“For not noticing it sooner.”

Mark chuckled, gently poking your forehead with his index finger. “Sorry it took me this long to tell you.”

You both went silent, taking a moment to bask in the other’s presence. It was all so strange. A few minutes ago, you were crying your eyes out, fearful at the thought of potentially ruining whatever it was you had left with Mark—friendship or otherwise. But here you were, standing so close that you could just barely make out every line and every crease on Mark’s face, tears dried and nowhere to be found (that went for both of you).

The air was different now, a little tight, a little tense. But it wasn’t the tenseness that was there before. It was more...intimate. You no longer felt like your throat was closing up, making it difficult to breathe or to focus. Your skin felt flushed and tingly all over, shivers running up and down your spine.

You risked a glance up into Mark’s eyes, and you were positively blown away by the sheer amount of emotion they conveyed, piercing right through you and landing a heavy blow on your heart and lungs, effectively knocking the wind out of you.

Your breath hitched in your throat when you noticed Mark’s hand come up, raising ever so slowly until it hovered a mere centimeters away from your cheek. He stopped at the last second, right before he made contact, and stared at you intently.

“Would it be totally selfish of me,” he breathed out a laugh, “if I said that I really wanted to kiss you right now?”

You wanted to laugh. You wanted to cry. You wanted to shove his hand away and ask him why—after all the shit you just said to him only a few minutes prior—why he wanted to. You almost did. You had a whole spiel ready and waiting for you to pull the trigger and kickstart another wheel of jumbled up insecurities and fears.

But you lacked the energy to do so.

You didn’t want to be selfish anymore.

You laughed, raw and broken. “I’ve been selfish this whole time. Why not even out the playing field?”

Barely a second passed when Mark’s hand finally cupped your cheek. You almost gasped at the feeling of warmth enveloping your skin. He carefully caressed the surface of your cheek with his thumb, smooth yet calloused at the same time. You raised your arm, lightly wrapping around Mark’s upper arm, just above his elbow. You could feel his eyes studying you, searching for any sign of discomfort.

After what you just went through, the last thing Mark wanted to do was make you uncomfortable.

“Are you sure about this?” he whispered. And the way he said it was practically dripping with his love and adoration for you that you almost burst into tears again. You nodded, slowly but surely, and brought up your other arm to rest your hand on his shoulder.

“I trust you,” you breathed. You truly did.

“What if…” Mark paused, choosing his words carefully. “What if...this doesn’t change anything? Will you be okay with that?”

Emotions had this sick, twisted way of messing with someone’s head whilst simultaneously manipulating the heart in the same fashion. They were completely out of your control, and it was a thought you had difficulty coming to terms with. As for your game plan if this experience proved to be futile—

Well, you’ll worry about that when the time comes.

For now, you were too distracted by the feeling of Mark’s soft hands against your skin to even come up with some substantial answer. But you still tried.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t really know,” you admitted, taking note of the way Mark’s lips quirked down. Your hand on his arm moved, fingers dragging along the fabric of his hoodie, stopping once they arrived at Mark’s hand on your cheek. You held onto it.

“But if it does, will you be okay with it?”

It was one thing for you to end up feeling exactly what you were feeling right now—it’s happened before, why not now? But it was another thing for Mark entirely. You were his best friend, the person he loved. If after the kiss you don’t feel any different, you don’t want that to end up tarnishing your long standing friendship. You meant what you said before—you didn’t want to hurt him.

Mark shifted even closer. He tilted his head forward, the tip of his nose just barely brushing against yours. Your grip on his shoulder tightened.

“Like I said before,” He wet his lips. “It’s become almost impossible for me to feel anything but love for you.”

If there was any remaining distance left between the two of you, it was promptly closed when Mark’s lips connected with yours. At first, neither of you moved and stood there frozen, waiting for the other to make the first move.

Then you felt Mark’s lips gently move against your own, coaxing your lips to move against his.

Mark tasted like peppermint. It was his favorite sweet treat. Ever since you were kids, Mark would always bring a piece or two (just in case you wanted one) with him in his pocket or lunchbox. You remember a few years ago, Jaemin had gifted him with a jar full of peppermint candy, and you swore you’ve never seen his face light up so quick.

Mark’s lips brushed yours, gently and delicately, like flower petals, giving you enough time to react. You trailed your hand up from Mark’s shoulder, following the path of his collarbone and curling your fingers around the base of his neck, tugging him lower, closer.

He responded quickly, cupping your cheek and jaw and resting his other hand on the curve of your hip.

The two of you continue to kiss like that—languidly and cautiously.

And for the longest time, nothing changed. Fireworks didn’t go off as soon as your lips touched. There wasn’t that ‘spark’ you saw and heard all the time from the movies you’ve watched. There was, however, the dreadful moment where your heart slowly began to sink.

Joke’s on you for being so hopeful.

But as the kiss progressed—as Mark pulled you forward so that you were flush against him, arm once again moving to wrap around his neck, and you craned your head upwards, deepening the kiss, that’s when you saw it.

It was so small, small enough to go unnoticed by someone who’s had the pleasure of being in its presence before.

But you saw it.

It started off as a mere twinkle of light, highly miniscule and not even worthy of recognition. But then it grew, and grew, and grew until it was no longer a fragment of light but a raging fire, burning and searing, taking over every single one of your senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing, and most of all—sight.

The sensation was so overwhelming, so sudden, that you abruptly broke away from the kiss, shaking and heaving. You stumbled forward, and Mark yelped in surprise, swiftly catching you in his arms.

“Y/n?” his voice shook with concern. “Y/n, are you okay? What’s wrong? What is too much? Did I—”

But you couldn’t hear him.

You couldn’t feel him.

You couldn’t see him.

Because all you could see…

...was gold.

For the first time in your life, you saw gold.

And it was so beautiful.

Your senses heightened tenfold, causing a tempestuous swirl of glowing embers and gleaming stars to surround every inch of your trembling body. The sensation was almost too much, too immense of an emotion colliding with the walls of your weakened heart. You vaguely registered the touch of Mark’s hands, shaking you gently.

“Y/n? Y/n, hey—look at me.” Mark cupped both of your cheeks, tilting your head up so that your eyes met his. He was taken aback, unsuspecting of the overflow of light and mirth staring back at him.

You gripped the front of his hoodie, scrunching it up in your fists.

“Mark,” you mewled softly. You didn’t notice you were crying again until Mark’s thumbs wiped beneath your lashes. “Is gold always this bright?”

Mark’s ministrations came to a sudden stop. His mouth parted in shock, a disbelieving gasp escaped from his lips. His hands trembled from where they rested against your cheeks. He wanted to slap himself across the face—to make sure that he hadn’t misheard you.

But when you gave him the most radiant smile he’s ever seen, Mark wanted to fucking melt.

This was real.

He loved you.

And you loved him back.

Mark wasted no time. He shook himself out of his dazed stupor and surged forward, crashing his lips onto yours, hard and persistent. In an instant, the mood of the kiss changed.

There were no more delicate touches and gentle coaxing, just frantic desire and fiery passion.

You shrieked, one hand reaching back to steady yourself against the dresser as Mark practically hovered over you, holding you to him so securely as he kissed you desperately. You returned the kiss with much fervor, riding off of the high that came both from Mark’s intense love for you and your equally intense love for him. You threw both of your arms around his neck, dragging him downwards.

Despite the intensity of the kiss, Mark’s touch was still soft, still tender. He held you like you were a piece of glass, fragile and prone to damage at even the harshest of touches.

You couldn’t help but choke out a sob against his lips. You should’ve been embarrassed, but Mark simply parted from you, choosing to press quick, gentle kisses along the surface of your cheeks instead, wiping away any tears that still remained.

When he was finished, he gave you one last kiss on the lips, and rested his forehead against yours, two earthy globes filled with buckets of levity and devotion gazing back at you.

“I love you,” Mark professed breathlessly.

God, you felt so euphoric.

You laughed weakly, tugging him back down and pressing your lips to his briefly.

And again,

And again.

Until every last drop of blue was completely effaced, replaced with the color of your love instead.

Never in a million years would you have ever seen yourself wrapped up in the arms of your best friend, sharing kisses of gold and professing words of commitment—

But you were happy.

You were loved.

And you loved back.

— — —

In hindsight, you probably should have replied back to your friends before crashing the night before because once you stepped foot onto campus, you were bombarded with three large bodies jumping on top of you.

“Y/n, you’re back—”

“I missed you—”

“You didn’t answer my texts—”

“I’m happy you’re still alive—”

“Hyuck—”

“Ow! What was that for?”

You laughed (though you were struggling), untangling yourself from the mess of limbs and backpacks, stumbling backwards, body colliding with a sturdy chest. You looked up and were met with the familiar eyes of the boy who took your breath away only a few hours before.

Mark smiled down at you warmly, patting the top of your head.

“Hi,” he beamed.

“Hey,” you responded, and Mark chuckled, finding your hand and intertwining your fingers together.

Gold.

You grinned, squeezing back.

Gold.

The sound of collective gasps brought your attention back to the group of boys in front of you. Donghyuck’s mouth was opened wide, jaw slacked. Jeno and Jaemin’s eyes were practically bulging out of their sockets, and Renjun just stood there, looking appalled.

You waved your fingers at them. “Uh, guys? You okay?”

Renjun was the first to break the silence, clearing his throat and gesturing towards yours and Mark’s conjoined hands.

“Mind explaining that?” He raised his eyebrows.

You looked at Mark, then back to your friends, then back to Mark, an awkward chuckle leaving your throat. Mark just shrugged.

“It’s a long story.”

Jeno reached over, lifting Donghyuck’s jaw and closing his mouth. The latter seemed to finally get a grasp on what was going on, and he strode over to the two of you.

“Both of you. Lunch. Don’t be late. Don’t run away. I will track you down.” He jabbed a finger in both of your faces, and you gulped, knowing better than to argue with Donghyuck when he meant serious business.

You threw your free hand up in surrender. “We’ll be there,” you promised. Donghyuck nodded, accepting your genuity of your response, and the stern look on his face went away instantly, melting into one of acceptance and understanding.

He turned back around, grabbing the straps of Jeno and Jaemin’s backpacks, dragging them through the doors of school.

“Let’s go slowpokes! I can’t afford another tardy!”

Renjun simply shook his head at the two of you, but you didn’t miss the way his lips curled up ever so slightly. He shooed you guys along.

“You heard him, lovebirds. Get moving.”

There weren’t enough words in the dictionary that you could string together to be able to describe just how giddy you were. As you pulled Mark down the hallway and to your first class, you couldn’t wipe the expression of pure joy off of your face.

Once you reached the door to the classroom, you were about to head inside when Mark suddenly jerked you back into the (almost) empty hallway. You barely had time to react as he leaned down, pressing a quick kiss to your lips.

“I love you,” He grinned widely.

You pressed your lips together, shoving at his chest playfully. “You–You’re...God, you’re such a romantic,” you muttered, refusing to meet Mark’s eyes. “Just–Just go. You’ll be late for class.”

You huffed, gripping the straps of your backpack tightly, fingers turning white. You promptly turned away from Mark and marched right up the doorway. He chuckled at your retreating form, shoving his hands into his pockets, about to head across the hall and into his own classroom, when you looked back over your shoulder.

“I love you, too.”

Unable to handle the onslaught of warmth rushing to your cheeks, you offered a meek nod and scurried into the classroom, leaving Mark to stand there, dumbfounded and a little bit of a fool in love.

You plopped down in your seat, reaching over to smack the back of Jeno’s head when he stuck his tongue out and pretended to gag. Jaemin snickered.

In all honesty though, you couldn’t be annoyed. You’d take their teasing comments and Mark’s overbearingly affectionate gestures over sulking in bed any day.

You set your bag on top of the desk and whipped your phone out, taking a few moments to indulge yourself as the morning announcements came over the loudspeaker.

When the notification popped up at the top of your screen, you almost swore with happiness.

[Have I ever told you how good you looked in gold?]

458 notes · View notes

scullyy · 4 years

Text

Birthday Boy

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: It's AJs' birthday! The kids have gathered around for another rockin' hootenanny!

A/N: brUH I’ve been working on this for agesssss and it’s finally dooooneeeeee ~~and it’s still not my best but I TRIED and perfection doesn’t eXIST-~~ it’s a VERY belated birthday gift for @bluebutterfly1 cause she’s been wanting this foREVER. SHE'S AMAZING OKAY-

so yeah this is based off a deleted scene from TFS where it was AJ’s birthday and what not anyways ily and enjoy x

It was hard being a kid sometimes, not having the words to describe how you're feeling, not even knowing what it is you are feeling was also a bummer. AJ had hoped he would know when he got older, especially by Clem's age. He would know so many more words and feelings and extra stuff about the world. He had already learned so much just from Aasims' teachings.

But Aasim hadn't taught him why everyone was giving him strange looks this one particular winter morning.

Clem was the first, she wasn't as good of a liar as she thought she was. There was this...odd smile on her face. AJ recognised it as the same smile Louis makes whenever he tries to get out of trouble. Ruby, Violet and Aasim had immediately zoomed off into the school once breakfast was done, only running out to share little whispers with Clementine. Omar was cooking something in his special big pot, more focused than AJ had ever seen, but he refused to tell the kid what it was.

He hadn't even seen Louis! Not even during breakfast! The only other person outside was Willy, still stationed at the watchtower. AJ's curious mind and talkative nature tried to squeeze as much info out of the young boy, but he was able to keep his mouth shut for once.

It all led him to sit beside Clementine in an unusual silence for the two, one that didn't sneak past her. Nothing AJ did - or in this case, didn't - could slip by her radar. "Why the long face kiddo?" Clem bumped her elbow into his shoulder, attempting to steal his attention.

AJ picked at a speck of dry skin on his hand, sporting a very obvious pout. "Did I do something wrong?"

That caught her off guard. Her leg trembled from both the cold and her deeply-bundled nerves. Keeping a secret, especially one she knew AJ was going to love, was tougher than she thought. "What makes you think that?" Her eyes moved rapidly from AJ and the school doors, keeping her crossed fingers hidden beneath her thigh. The other kids better be done soon...

"No one is talking to me. Like when I shot Marlon and everyone got mad at me. I didn't like that and I don't like this." He kicked at the air, his little legs still too short to touch the ground.

"I'm sure everything is fine-"

As her hand reached out to hold him, he pulled himself away, jumping straight to his feet. "Don't say that! I know you're lying!"

His desperation near broke her heart. She could never say no to his cute face, damn him. Heaving a sigh of defeat, she gave in. "Okay fine, follow me." The other kids would surely be pissed at her for letting on too early, but she would rather that than an upset AJ.

And boy did that remove the frown from his face. He bounded around her as she got her crutches in order, kicking up sparkling snow behind him. "Where are we going?"

"The music room-"

The young boy had bolted off before she could finish, reminding her of another young boy she used to know when this all started. "Slow down, kiddo! You're not the one on crutches!"

His eagerness outweighed Clem's command, which was usually his law. He could hear muted talking from within Louis' music room, a few giggles here and there too. He crept closer to the door, utilising his amazing ninja skills. His tiny hand gripped the tinier doorknob, opening the door just a crack to find...huh?

The doorknob was set free from his hand, which had now fallen loosely by his side as he took one quiet step into the room. "What's this?" AJ disturbed the other kids, finding them in compromising positions. Louis was on his very tip-toes, tying some blue tinsel around the fireplace, Aasim and Ruby were lighting the last of the candles as Violet was gently moving the gramophone back into it's original place.

It was a real life record scratch moment.

"Oh shit," Louis broke the silence first, drawing everyone's line of sight to the intruder. He chucked the last of the tinsel up onto the mantle in a careless manner before throwing his hands into the air. "Happy birthday AJ!"

The other kids all dropped what they were doing, raising their hands in line with Louis. "Happy birthday!"

Said child stood there with his mouth hung wide open, taking in the sight. "What?" It was the only word racing through his mind.

Louis kneeled down to his level, sporting one of the biggest smiles AJ had ever seen. "It's your birthday little dude, gotta celebrate it big time."

"My...birthday?" Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat-

Willy tugged on the thick tinsel that ran from the fireplace to Louis' piano. "We managed to scrounge up some decorations from the drama class."

"And we re-used the banner from the party back when these guys got kidnapped." Ruby pointed to the banner above the doorway. The original message 'We're getting them back' had been scribbled out and somehow replaced with 'Happy birthday Alvin Junior'.

AJ spun around, his eyes bouncing between all the bright decor; the flickering candles, the weird fuzzy stuff on the piano, it was all so new. "You did this..for me?"

A slightly puffed Clementine finally made her way into the room, smiling with pure glee at how well her friends decorated the space. She stood beside her boy, trying to decipher what he was feeling. "What do you think AJ?"

"It's awesome!" He threw his hands up into the air.

Louis looked between his friends, all of them sharing evil little smiles. "So, who wants to go first?"

"First in what?" AJ questioned, nearly vibrating at wondering what else they could have planned.

Clementine gently nudged him forward with her crutch, pushing him into the centre of the room. "Gift-giving."

"Gifts?" He continued to question. So much new knowledge in such a short span of time.

Louis dead-panned, merely wanting the festivities to begin. "If you keep asking questions we're going to be here all day. Of course, we got you gifts! It's a thing you give someone to show appreciation or celebrate, and today little dude we're celebrating you."

"I'll go first since my gift is the coolest," Violet was guided over to AJ by Ruby, her smile never wavering. From behind her back she presented a roll up parchment, the corners slightly ripped.

AJ pulled it open and blinked rapidly, taking in the faded faces and text. "Green Day? What's that mean?"

"They were a really cool band, before everything happened," Violet nodded to the outside world. "I figured you could hang it up in your room. If I ever find one of their records, you'll be the first to listen, little man." Slowly guiding her hand to the curve of his shoulder, she gave him a gentle punch.

AJ was still hung up on why a day would be green but appreciated the thought from Violet nonetheless. "They look cool...but what's on their eyes?"

Green Day was a rare source of joy from Violet's sordid childhood, a fleating sense of nostalgia washed over her as she came to realise it'll do the same for him.

Ruby skipped closer to AJ once Violet took a seat on the piano stool, thankful that she got to go next. "I figured since you've become an A+ gardener, you could have this little guy," She brandished from behind her back a small pot, with an even smaller plant inside. "If you take good care of it, he'll grow big and strong."

"Just like me!" AJ was near bursting at the seams; the flower was rather dainty, small and barely purple, yet ready to flourish.

She gently pinched his cheek, gushing openly. "Just like you," Ruby bounced away on her feet, feeling another sense of pride at impressing the tot. She patted Aasim on the back, which turned more into a push when he didn't catch onto her actions. "C'mon, it's your turn now!"

Aasim shuffled over, not bothering to hide his gift. He cleared his throat before passing it to AJ. "Here dude," In his grasp laid a tightly bound book, his name carved into the leather cover. His precious journal that he guarded so dearly the night they first met.

AJ took it gently, treating the book as if it were made of glass. "But it's yours?" He questioned, remembering their first encounter. How times had changed.

Aasim shrugged, unsure of what to say. Dammit, he had this all planned out beforehand! "It's ours. Think of it as 'Ericson's History Volume One', you can finish it off if you like."

"This is cool, I hope I can write as good as you." AJ was so captured by his friend's neat handwriting, he didn't notice Aasims' sincere smile.

"My turn!" Willy yelled, pushing Aasim out of the way in the process. His gift was the only wrapped one, albeit it was wrapped in old textbook pages. A tear in the paper revealed a small piece of wood shining through. "It's a slingshot! Mitch and I used to hit walkers with them all day, now we can!"

AJ hadn't even finished tearing the paper away, but his heart still soared. "That's cool, I wish Mitch was here." He added quietly.

Willy lowered his head, gently fidgeting with his own fingers. "Me too."

Their friend's passing left a forever space in every room, an unnerving emptiness that will never go away.

"Okay Willy, my turn," Omar butted in, wanting to steer the conversation back to the joy. He handed AJ a wooden spoon with a neat little bow wrapped around the handle. "It's my best spoon. You can use it to help me cook dinner tonight."

Louis whipped his head to Omar, shooting daggers from his eyes. "You never let anyone help!"

Omar kept a strong smile as he turned to his friend, unphased. "No, I don't let you help because unlike you the kid actually listens to instructions."

"I listen, just like to take a more...casual approach to cooking." He shrugged, finding a sudden interest in his shoes.

"If by casual you mean undercooking the fish, then sure."

Louis poked his tongue out at his friend before sauntering over to AJ, ready to present the greatest gift of all fucking time. "I figured it's time for an upgrade, say goodbye to that crusty knife," Louis whipped out a small bar stool from behind him, holding it out in front of the boy. "I present...Stoolio! Get it? Cause it's a stool."

"Nope!" AJ beamed brighter than Clem had ever seen, despite the joke flying way over his head. Louis just had that effect on people. The stool was heavier than it seemed, as it immediately hit the floor when AJ took ahold of it. The faded wood declaring the weapons' age, AJ traced the deep cracks with his fingers. "I think I'll call it CJ, Chairles Junior, like my name."

"That's a much better name. It's strong like you too. It defeats monsters, protects people and looks super cool." He purred, selling the gift as only the best of the best.

AJ looked between his new weapon and Louis, letting the weight of it settle in his small palms. It was stronger than his little knife, though not as easy to hold as his gun. But if Louis could do it, so could he. "Sounds more like you."

Clementine noticed the hitch in Louis' breath, both their hearts thumping from the young boys' sentiment. Louis could feel his heart slip up into his throat, thumping faster than his breathing could keep up. "Uh, wow, thank you. It's both of us."

If only AJ was aware of how much his statement meant to Louis, how he would hold onto it during his weakest hours. If that kid could believe in him, he must be doing something right.

Louis cleared his throat, choking back a quiet sob as his heart settled back down. "There's one final surprise, from all of us." He hopped over to a box beside the ladder, dragging Omar over with him.

The boys reached into the box and began to lift something of great weight, as they struggled to keep a tight grip. "Just don't ask how we got it." Omar heaved, forgetting just how little muscle he truly had.

From the box emeregd something AJ could only imagine in his wildest daydreams. A...giant...Disco Broccoli!

The tot stood in pure disbelief, his jaw hanging wide open. "Is that-"

"Oh hell yeah it is," Louis sneered, maybe just a little more excited than AJ.

The boys set it down besides the dusty fireplace, with Omar wiping his brow. "You like it?"

AJ wandered closer, getting a better look. It was certainly Disco Broccoli, despite there being a hole in his cartoon hand. He had the cool glasses and everything! But he looked...funny. "What...what is it?"

Louis clasped the tots' shoulder, it was always a fun venture showing him something from the old world. Seeing the wonder in his wide eyes, made the hassle Louis went through to get the damn thing worth it. "It's a pinata, bro! You hit it and stuff is supposed to come out."

Omar tapped the side of the pinata, being greeted by a soft echo. "There's nothing in it, but it's still fun to hit."

"You can use Chairles Junior there." Louis was nearly bouncing at the idea as he handed the stool leg to the birthday boy, ready for the absolute carnage he was about to witness.

AJ gripped his new(ish) weapon tightly, eyeing down the funny looking Disco Broccoli. "Awesome."

Clem watched from the piano as AJ tried to lift the stool above his head, nearly tipping over from its' weight. Her thoughts drifted to a dream she had, Lees' words at the forefront of her thoughts. "Wanting to give him a childhood, but knowing what it takes for him to survive."

"You okay, Clem?" Louis bumped his shoulder with hers, breaking her away from her memories.

Nodding slightly, Clementine hoped he couldn't notice the tears in her eyes. "Yeah, thanks for this. It's amazing."

"No problemo, it's good to see him smile."

Clem continued to watch AJ laughing with his friends, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "He's been doing that a lot since we've arrived here."

Louis continued to gaze at her, despite her not noticing. "You both have."

Just as it had always been, Clem and AJ sat side by side together on the steps of the courtyard, appreciating the rare beauty of the sunset. The sky a gallery of purely blue and purple. Clem disrupted the silence first, after having spent a lengthy amount of time remembering Rebecca and Alvin, wondering if they would be proud of their young boy. "Can I admit something?"

AJ curiously turned to her, awaiting with an eager tap in his foot.

"I don't actually know if today is your birthday," She pouted. "I know it's at the start of winter, but that's it. There were no calendars, no way to check the date. I just kinda had to guess every year. I also don't know how old you actually are." If she had to guess, either six or seven. Without access to a calendar, all these years trying to keep track of the fleeting months grew tiresome and redundant. Each day was the same, a date made no difference. Hell, she wasn't even sure of her own age anymore.

"Maybe I'm a thousand years old!" He bounced like the truly giddy child he was.

Clem laughed openly into the chilly air. "Sure thing, Grandpa." She pushed at his shoulder before looking back at the sky, knowing deep within her gut that Alvin and Rebecca were smiling with her.

They remained in a balanced silence for a while, until AJ turned back to her. "I don't think it matters. I get bigger and stronger every day, no matter how old I am I'll always protect us."

Clementine wrapped her arm around him, pulling him in close the same way she always had and the same way she always will. "I know you will, forever," She pressed a firm kiss to the top of his head, smiling into his thick hair. "Wanna know what we're having for dinner?"

"What?"

"Beans with apple slices."

"BEANS!"

#twdg #the walking dead game #the walking dead game season four #twdg clementine #twdg aj #telltales the walking dead #twdgs4 #twdg the final season #twdg fanfiction #twdg headcanons #fanfiction #scullyy

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kangtaebins · 3 years

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Weird Asks That Say A Lot

I said I was going to just answer all of these bc of boredom,, and so here I am

1. Coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups are aesthetically pleasing idc what anyone says

2. Chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy supremacy

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? I was told that I was a leader a lot, and was told that I was very intelligent. Ah yes, I suffered from gifted kid burn out in high school-

5. Do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Look, plastic cups are the best. Specifically the ones with the lids and reusable straws

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? It truly depends on the day bc some days I would say goth and other days I’d say grunge, but most days- pastel

7. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds

8. Movies or TV shows? TV shows bc- idk actually I’m just not a movie person

9. Favorite smell in the summer? I have a weird obsession with the smell of cheap sunscreen and I have no clue why

10. Game you were best at in p.e.? I hated gym in high school and rarely participated despite the teacher being irritated with me (truly she gave up after a few months bc I really did not care at all) HOWEVER- I went to town in volleyball and still enjoy playing volleyball v much

11. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I don’t eat breakfast often,,,

12. Name of your favorite playlist? Probably my Navy or Indigo playlist

13. Lanyard or key ring? Key ring

14. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Anything green apple!!!

15. Favorite book you read as a school assignment? I actually genuinely enjoyed Romeo And Juliet tbh

16. Most comfortable position to sit in? I always curl up in a ball on the couch, but in a chair I manspread ngl

17. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? Nike slides <//3

18. Ideal weather? Between 50-70 degrees, sunny but not warm, being able to wear a hoodie and not be hot or cold

19. Sleeping position? I usually either sleep on my left side or on my stomach (my back once in a while when it’s hurting bc I’m a hag)

20. Preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? I write on my phone more than anything

21. Obsession from childhood? Hm- I was really obsessed with High School Musical as a kid. My friend and I would put it on and lip sync to the songs and pretend we were the characters

22. Role model? Is it- wrong to say myself? Bc I feel like that sounds arrogant but genuinely it’s bc I’m constantly trying to better myself mentally and learn and grow. Idk I just am proud of who I am and look to myself when I need to find motivation

23. Strange habits? Strange? Idk if it’s strange but I’m constantly twiddling with the hem of my sleeves bc I love the feeling of it

24. Favorite crystal? Citrine

25. First song you remember hearing? WH- bitch idk tf

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Stay tf inside in the air conditioning

27. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Stay tf inside in the heat

28. Five songs to describe you? To describe me?? Girl idk I'm all over the place. How about songs that resonate with me instead,,, Alive by Khalid, Paranoid by Lauv, Phobia by Dvwn, Fake Smile by Ariana Grande, and Breathin by Ariana Grande

29. Best way to bond with you? Truly I'm not very difficult to get along with, just don't be an asshole. Talk to me about psychology, current events, say Soobin is the cutest to exist idk it's not that hard

30. Places that you find sacred? I- hm. I'm not like a church person or anything so idk. Maybe just anything really old or places with very detailed and unique architecture

31. What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? I don't own many clothes,,, let alone nice clothes. I also don't really dress to impress I'd much rather be comfortable

32. Top five favorite vines? Oh god if I h a d to pick???? The lipstick in the Valentino bag, they were roommates, it's an avocado- thaaanks, jared 19, and uh,,, zach stooppp you're gonna get in trouble

33. Most used phrase in your phone? Tbh it's probably "girl what-" or "no bc"

34. Advertisements you have stuck in your head? That 877-CASH-NOW ONE JFC

35. Average time you fall asleep? Between 11pm-1am

36. What is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Probably the troll face one or smth

37. Suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase

38. Lemonade or tea? I mix them together!

39. Lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie bc I don't really like cake

40. Weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Y'all I- went to a hs/college mixed school,, I've seen it all. Weirdest?? Idk but one weird thing I remember was when we were making whistles in art and some dude made a penis whistle 😭

41. Last person you texted? My best friend :))

42. Jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket pockets

43. Hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie 100%

44. Favorite scent for soap? I love soaps that smell like soap. Like ok duh I know that sounds dumb but yk what I mean? I don't want lemon or mint or whatever, I like the plain soap smell

45. Which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Oversized t-shirt, no pants. I question anyone that is comfortable sleeping with pants on-

47. Favorite type of cheese? Feta!

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? I feel like I'd be a pineapple and I have no clue why

49. What saying or quote do you live by? Not necessarily a quote but more of a thought: live for yourself, enjoy each day, do what gives you joy

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have? I have had so many instances in which I have laughed so hard I peed and to even attempt to name one is impossible

51. Current stresses? Making sure my family gets their vaccines and stays safe

52. Favorite font? I don't think I have one? Anything except comic sans

53. What is the current state of your hands? What does this even mean 💀 I mean,, they're holding my phone, cold, and my nails are unpolished

54. What did you learn from your first job? That people are assholes but I'm capable of not giving a fuck bc life is not that damn serious

55. Favorite fairy tale? Is The Three Little Pigs considered a fairy tale?

56. Favorite tradition? Putting up the Christmas tree with my mom :( it's always a lot of fun

57. The three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Depression, grief, and hopefully one day- smth I'm currently dealing with

58. Four talents you’re proud of having? Makeup!! But also: singing, crying on command, and tying cherry stems with my tongue

59. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Sick of these bitches

60. If you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? I don't watch anime so idk

61. Favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? It's this line from Eleanor & Park: "Eleanor was right: She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."

62. Seven characters you relate to? Holy hell, 7?? Probably won't get that many but hm,,, Darlene from Roseanne, Hermione from Harry Potter, Emily from Pretty Little Liars maybe?? Idk I suddenly blanked

63. Five songs that would play in your club? As if it's Your Last by BP, anything from SHINee, anything from Ariana, also anything Rihanna, just a bunch of women tbh

64. Favorite website from your childhood? FUCKING WEBKINZ BRO

65. Any permanent scars? I have a few on my arms idk where they came from tbh, I also have one on my hand from my sister 🧍🏻‍♀

66. Favorite flower(s)? Sunflowers!!! I also really love lilacs 💔

67. Good luck charms? My dog's collar that I wear as a bracelet

68. Worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Licorice-

69. A fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? It takes repeating a piece of information 12 times at random to memorize it completely

70. Left or right handed? Right

71. Least favorite pattern? Fucking chevron- and realistic camo, and anything with the American flag

72. Worst subject? Yall im awful at history. American history, world history, all of it-

73. Favorite weird flavor combo? Either pickles and peanut butter or cheese and grapes

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? I'm stubborn but also always in pain so I've become numb to a lot of body pains. I have to be at like a 7-8 before I take smth otherwise I'd always be taking it

75. When did you lose your first tooth? I was probably like 5 I was definitely in Kindergarten

76. What’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? I fw baked potatoes

77. Best plant to grow on a windowsill? I have a love for succulents

78. Coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Oh my- I don't drink coffee but coffee from a gas station

79. Which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? Driver's license for sure

80. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel tones

81. Fireflies or lightning bugs? I say both,, but I think I say lightning bugs more

82. PC or console? PC

83. Writing or drawing? Both

84. Podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts definitely

84. Barbie or polly pocket? Barbie

85. Fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales

86. Cookies or cupcakes? C o o k i e s

87. Your greatest fear? Losing people I love

88. Your greatest wish? To live comfortably and be a great mother

89. Who would you put before everyone else? My family

90. Luckiest mistake? Guessing on 90% of a test and getting an A 💀

91. Boxes or bags? Bags are easier to carry-

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Fairy lights!!

93. Nicknames? Sam, Sammi, my sister calls me Sams, my best friend calls me Bub, and my gf calls me Baby if that counts- 👀

94. Favorite season? Fall omg it's gorgeous and has perfect temperatures

95. Favorite app on your phone? ✨tumblr✨

96. Desktop background? Its literally a pic of Soobin, Taehyun, and Beomgyu

97. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Like 4-5

98. Favorite historical era? The one where white people learn their fucking place and stop being racist, homophobic, classist, sexist, all the -ists and -phobics,,,, so none. Fuck history :))

#idk what to put in the tags so if you actually read all of these then damn you're the real mvp

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adashofstarshine · 4 years

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Where’s the Fic? (Sort of a ToTS Update.)

Hi! It’s 4:30am, and far too warm. Which seems like a good time to write an update concerning the current state of me trying to write fanfiction. This will probably get long and rambly, but sometimes it’s nice just to get all the thoughts out there. I’ll try and format it nicely into categories. So let’s start with the big one.

Why hasn’t there been any new ToTS or Other Fic recently?

There are a few reasons. The first and foremost being, with life currently being very stressful, it’s hard to focus my time and energy on fanfiction. Unfortunately fanfic isn’t finding me a new job or sorting my health out, so its a bit low on the list of priorities. However, it isn’t just a matter of not having the time. If that was it, I’d schedule my time between work/place, job hunting/fic. Unfortunately there’s a deeper problem at hand.

How do you fire a rocket without any fuel?

I started writing ToTS in March of 2019: fresh off the hype of rereading all the Ixalan stories, ready for the great thing that was supposed to be War of the Spark. In those days I was managing multiple chapters a week. MTG lore, being a Vorthos, was exciting. We’d had some amazing story-telling, we were still naively optimistic about Gruulfriends, we had that coffee and a book date ahead of us that Ixalan promised.

So I zoomed ahead like the rocket metaphor I’m trying here. And hundreds of thousands of words come easily when you’re fuelled by passion for what you’re writing about. I scoured canon story to check my every detail. I drew diagrams and timelines and planned foreshadowing months in advance. Luckily I still have those plans, because otherwise that rocket would be drifting aimlessly and achieving nothing.

So here we are now, August 2020. The War of the Spark novel, I specially ordered in early from the US, butchered my favourite character. I never read the sequel. I don’t intend to. For a while the fuel that propelled my fic wasn’t passion, it was rage. Rage that these stories and characters that meant so much to me were being treated like this. Rage that it had all unfolded like this. Rage that told me I could and would do better. And it worked. Chapters kept coming. It was negative and made me hate the thing I once loved, but it got fic out my mind and onto AO3.

And yet, these days it feels like the fuel tank has run dry. Being a Vorthos is being eternally disappointed by meagre offerings, inconsistency and any enthusiasm is mostly kept alive by fans wanting it to be better. And at times, I still think I’m one of those fans. But the rest of the time, I can’t help but feel cold indifference. Not rage, certainly not passion, just a cold sense of ‘do I have to keep doing this?’ Do I have to keep delivering something that no longer gives me joy? What will happen if I do stop? I don’t think I can.

I can’t quit Magic

I’m not just talking about my hideously expensive Modern deck, the half-completed commander decks, the horrendous amount of money I spent making cosplays, all of those are material, they can be sold or trashed. I can’t quit MTG because, to put things simply, I would get lonely.

It’s called Magic the Gathering for a reason. And I’ve met many wonderful people by being part of the MTG community on tumblr. By producing fanfiction that got people talking to me. Fanfiction has let me interact with so many people I’d never have got to talk to. Not only does it provide a source of positive feedback and validation amidst the stress of life, but it has also led me to so many people I now consider friends - both offline and online.

With very little chance to play anymore (having burnt out of Arena), my interaction with the MTG community is through creating content a.k.a fic. If I stop creating, would anyone ever interact with me again? If there was no more ToTS, would anyone ever talk to me again? These may seem like stupid questions, but hey, I have them. I’m not a talented enough artist to keep people around that way. It’s also very clear that people prefer fanwork to original work, so me drawing my OCs would likely turn everyone away. I am still drawing and writing, but it’s about original things. The closest thing to mtg fic I’ve written recently is about Niki - my MTG OC. If I quit MTG, would have to leave the discord that inspired me to create him through D&D?

But Dash, you may think. Why don’t you just get another hobby? If it was that easy my unruly ADHD brain would’ve let me already. However my hobbies - drawing, writing, cosplay, crafts, D&D, have all centred around this one fandom. Then why don’t you find a new fandom? You’ve had others in the past. I tried, but nothing has stuck and quite so firmly lodged itself into my brain. I am hyperfixated, there’s no escaping it. I can’t pick up another fandom because there’s no room. Besides, if I found a new fandom, would I lose all the friends I made in this one?

Is there a solution to this? Will there be any fic in the near-future?

Honestly, I don’t know. I have half a chapter of ToTS written. I’m considering wrapping up the current scene and just post a slightly smaller chapter than usual. I’m also considering putting all my fic on a hiatus until that fuel comes back - be it passion or rage. I’m also considering ending ToTS after War of the Spark wraps up, despite all the fun and original things that are meant to happen after. I want to complete it. However the more I force myself, the more I will hate every moment of it.

As for any content for the future - I want to create a comic for Niki with a new take on his backstory. It’ll be slow progress and probably not as high quality as my writing. However creating stuff with original characters is much more fun for me than forcing fanfiction right now. (Even if they exist within an MTG setting.)

I might create some more MTG cats. I might even get back to those lingerie pictures but for now, I’m at the whim of my mood and what energy I have left. Will that energy produce a cat or a comic page? I don’t really know until it happens.

#long post

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gotmeringinghellsbells · 4 years

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The Best Dad You Could Be

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Characters: Izuku Midoriya, Shoto Todoroki/Midoriya, Yamato Todoroki (Oc)

A/N: This fanfiction contains an oc for my next generation au and a little back story. Yamato is the only son of Yaoyorozu, and eldest of Todoroki. He loves both of his parents, and the two stay friends even after their divorce. There is no hate to ships on this blog.... well.... Mineta is another story.

Description: Shoto has always had doubts about being a parent since his son was born. As he grew, he didn’t have much time to dwell on the possibilities of being a bad parent. But as life settled down he began to think more about it and asks his husband if he’s doing it right. Deku, only able to compare Shoto to All Might, gets an idea . He needs to show a little more emotion around the babe.

When Shoto Todoroki found out he was going to be a father, joy was the least of his emotions. He was terrified. It wasn’t the failing marriage he was in, or the partner he had, but the fear of being a good father. He feared being…. his father.

For about a year him and Momo cared for their son together before deciding it would be best to go separate ways. It wasn’t until he left that he realized she was a key balance in his confidence. Her fear, her insecurities of being a mother, of working with a child lead Shoto to be the best father he could be! However, he didn’t know where to go, and Yamato wanting to be with him more than Momo made it even harder!

]He refused to go back to his father with Hawks and Toya there, let alone Endeavor. His mother had her own studio apartment, but…. As heartless as it sounded, Shoto didn’t want his mother alone with his baby. He loved her to pieces but Yamato had more features that resembled his father than Shoto did.

Between that and him waking up his mother every hour with crying, Shoto just couldn’t do it! Iida was busy with his career taking off, Urakara was busy too. Deku was the only one not under an agency but…. Shoto didn’t want to bother anyone. From Momo’s fear, from Shoto’s situational confidence, Yamato wanted his daddy; which made this all so much harder.

Momo’s parents didn’t exactly want to take in their former son-in-law either. They would have let their daughter stay with them until she could get back on her feet, but Shoto gave the house to her. From his kind act…. He was now screwed over.

It turned out showing up at the Midoriya’s was the best choice he could have made as they were quick to take him in. The living space was small but he’d make due with what he could and wouldn’t complain. The hardest part was trying to keep everything from his boss…. his father. Endeavor planned to retire, and for Shoto to take over he had to work under him.

The poor guy was exhausted, sleeping through baby cries and waking the house. More than once he’d woken up form All Might or Inko trying to calm his small babe as he lay in bed, leaching the heat off of Midoriya. He’d apologize and quickly try to take over before being pushed back down into bed. The two cared for the poor guy, Inko being able to relate to his situation. He was trying so hard to parent, to be the best dad he could while working his way out of his current living situation.

But it was one cold, winter night that would change all of that for him. Once more he’d slept through Yamato’s crying, but this time neither older adult came to the babe’s aid. Midoriya woke, not being able to sleep too much as it was. He climbed out of bed and picked up his crying roommate before sitting back on the bed and just…. Soothing him. He was talking to him, trying to lul him back to sleep after he’d calmed.

Midoriya found him to be the cutest little thing, so goofy and particular. He would ponder what Yamato’s quirk would be, which parent he’d look like more as he aged. It was just fun thoughts to have after a day of intense work. When Shoto woke to see the other coddling his son, he felt it in his heart. Resting a head on Midroiya’s shoulder after failing to retrieve his son from the older, Shoto finally felt secure again for the first time in a while.

They took off as a family, money was coming in, they had their first place until they saved enough for a final home. They were a family. But…. unlike Momo, Izuku was confident; to an extent, he’d have small bursts of panic that Shoto had to fix but he was still someone Yamato felt secure with. Something Shoto still didn’t feel sometimes, like today.

He lay in bed, relaxing on his day off, just watching as his now two-year-old told his hand and bend each finger. He was truly curious about how things worked, it was adorable. His chubby little face would scrunch up, a small pout would be present, and his brows would furrow more and more as he tested new things. “What are you learning today, hm? You now how fingers bend.” Momo said she’d do this to her too, whenever she had him.

“Yeah but it’s a new day, something may have changed,” a new voice hummed out with a yawn. Deku rolled over to curl into his husband’s back as the tot ignored them in the name of discovery. “Oh? Is that true? Excuse me Yamo,” the father teased before poking the little one with his free hand. Yamato looked up before looking slowly to the finger that touched him and pushing it away. He didn't like to talk much during his new discoveries, otherwise Shoto would have gotten a talking to.

The father laughed before sighing. He didn’t like to talk insecurities in front of the child but…. He couldn’t always get away from him to release his emotions. “Zuku.” Deku hummed as he held his heater and cooler closer. “I’m…. doing this right, right?” Deku scrunched up his face a bit before sleepily popping up on the smaller’s shoulder. "Doing what right?” Shoto motioned to his baby who was now trying to get his hand to act like a spider.

“I mean…. Yeah. You put him before everything, you always take time to make sure he knows right from wrong, you do all the right parenting things.” The step father tried to think. He didn’t have someone to really compare Shoto too. As much as All Might was a distant dad figure to him (even if he was his step father now), from interviews you couldn’t tell how one would parent.

But there was something that always assured Izuku he was safe, that things ould be okay. “I mean…. You don’t show that much emotion around him.” He really didn’t. Momo did, Jiro did, Izuku did, almost everyone but Shoto did; yet little Yamato followed his father’s example most of the time and was just…. blank faced. “Is that so?” The green bean nodded, hair tickling his husband’s bared neck.

“Ihahzuku,” the now second pro hero giggled. “ Mmm…. see? You need to smile more, Yamato agrees.” Shoto looked forward to his babe that was now grinning ear to ear. “Dada ticklish?” The babe looked so happy it squeezed at Shoto’s heart. Crap. “Izuku, don’t you eve- pfff! MMmmmmmm!” The male tried to resist the feeling on his stomach, squirming around as he was held closer.

“Comeon Sho-kun, Yamo wants to see your smile! You wanted to improve your parenting. Step one is smiling more!” Poor man was trapped between his worst tickle monsters, one already attacking. “Zhahahahauku!” Shoto let loose, his son’s laughter joining his as he scooted forward to try and help.

He tried tickling Shoto’s nose, earning more high pitched giggles as the man tried to turn his face away. “That’s it Yamo! We gotta save dada from the sad villain!” The boy squealed adorably as he tried to move on to the cheeks. The cute look of determination and attempt to gain a reaction gained the reaction alone as Deku stopped. He was so cute!

“That’s it, your doing it kiddo! Your saving dada!” Shoto snorted before shoving at Midoriya as his baby giggled and started to tickle under Shoto’s chin. The surenamed Todoroki giggled, whining softly as the spot wasn’t all that ticklish. “Why are you shoving me villain? The little hero is defeating you,” Deku giggled before tickling Shoto’s stomach again. The male screamed softly before dissolving into giggles.

He turned to roll into his husband, earning a pout from the baby. It tickled too much and Shoto wasn’t about to keep squirming around like a fish out of the water; it was a little embarrassing and he could accidently hit his baby as he flailed. “Izuku,” he squealed as he jumped up slightly from the other’s chest, hands squeezing at his lower back. “Chahahut thahaht out! Sthahhaaop thahah- eek!”

Yamato was forgotten as the green haired male rolled on top of his husband, totally wrecking him. Scratching at his ribs, under his arms, down his hips, his chest. He stayed on the upper body, teasing and smiling as he worked. Shoto screamed and shrieked with laughter, something his son had never heard before. But rather than fuss or get upset from the exclusion…. Yamato just observed. He watched what his step father or papa was doing.

He watched his hands, how the fingers would bend on different areas of the torso and imitated it. He took silent note of his father’s reactions given the areas his papa tickled. “Izhzhzhhahahauku!” Deku laughed, coming back to reality as he quickly stopped and started trying to soothe the other, apologizing repeatedly. The number two hero panted softly before a movement caught his eye. Yamato moved closer before leaning between his dad’s, a hand on Shoto’s shoulder for support.

“Yamo, what are you doing little soba?” The kid hadn’t been teritorial before but Shoto wasn’t sure what he was doing, until a hand found his chest. “Pff! Yhahahahmato!’ Shoto covered his face as he giggled, Izuku catching the laughing child as he nearly fell forward from Shoto’s action. “We did it bud!” Deku lifted his step son up in victory before kissing his chubby cheek. “We did it! Dada is free!” Yamato squealed with absolute delight as he held Deku and lifted a matching arm in victory.

Shoto sighed as he watched them through his fingers, they were too much. A smile same to his face; maybe he should show a bit more emotion.

#bnha #mha #tododeku #tickle #tickling #ticklish #tickle fight #domestic #family #oc #shoto todoroki #shoto midoriya #izuku midoriya #deku

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actualbird · 2 years

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tot ao3 fic recs part 3: (currently) multichapter wips that have me at the edge of my seat

previous tot ao3 fic recs: part 1. part 2 (nsfw).

i was sposed to finish an update for my OWN tot multichapter wip tonight but my brain is a dumpster. to cope, i wanna show you guys some tot wips that have me on the edge of my seat

Guarded by Trifoliate-Undergrowth (Trefoil_9)

“I see him! I’m on it!” Luke yelled, then switched off his earpiece to focus on the chase. “Artem, Vyn, are you alright?” Rosa asked, and Vyn heard Artem’s voice responding simultaneously from beside him on the floor and from his earpiece. “I’m alright. The bullet went right past me, I felt it. Vyn? Vyn.” A shuffle of movement. “Dr. Richter, this is no time for games.” ---- In which Vyn nearly dies, Artem saves his life and then they both have to cope with that.

[vyn/artem, cw: blood, gun violence, injury]

this was just posted today and i am SOOOO HOOKED!!! VYN GETS SHOT!!! and godddd, Trifoliate-Undergrowth has a wonderful hold on both vyn and artem's pov. a high stress premise with spot on povs taking us through the story, this fic is DEFFO one im gonna be looking forward to more from. //rubs my grubby mitts together. vyntem? VYNTEM RIVALS TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS SPEEDRUN??? fellas, it's the good stuff here.

Endless Symphony (series) by Gloryofluv

Rosa capably understood that many things in life are in her grasp to discover. It was, after all, experiences that create the abundance of life. Justice, humbleness, and hard work. Three foundational aspects of life. However, through her own trials, (no pun intended), and unexpected events, there seemed to be another force. Enter one, Dr. Vyn Richter. From the very slanted fault of meeting in such an interesting way, he had become a staple in the circumference of her life. The oddity of his rare quality to sniff out human nature was awe-inspiring and inhuman. However, this Doctor was a man, nothing more. Rosa knows he’s extraordinary by nature, but through delicate unraveling, how far does he go to cover his deficits. Why? Why would he ever want to when the beauty isn’t in perfection or efficiency always, but sometimes in the flaws that make our hearts thrum to the same beat?

[vyn/mc, cw: violence. vyn backstory spoilers]

hey do you want a long read? well give this series a read because it's 139,651 words long. AND STILL FUCKIN GOING!!!

but god this fic has everything. vyn's past comes to bite him in the ass and we are taken through an EPIC LENGTH complicated modern royalty adventure. Gloryofluv does such a wonderful job in using the length and pacing of the story to its fullest. nothing felt rushed for me, everything just happened so frigging well. the world is fleshed out, the characters develop so well, reading this series truly feels like entering a new world with these characters we know and love. also, theres swordfighting "to the death" in this series. holy shit. if this series continues i will simply cry tears of joy

In the end, all I hope for is to be a bit of warmth for you by sure_galena

When Vyn is away on a business trip and needs help with his plants, Luke (and the rest of the NXX crew) end up signing up for more than they thought they would.

[no ship, cw: very slight violence to a monster plant]

FINALLY YESSSSS!!! TOT AO3 TAG IS GETTING WEIRD (AFFECTIONATE!!!!) I AM THRIVING. this premise was taken straight out of my dreams both in the sense that i love it and am so glad it is being written and also because it is absurd and OWNS THAT ABSURDITY. sure_galena's writing shines so brightly with succinct humor that still manages to speak volumes of sincerity. all of sure_galena's fics make me fall a little bit more in love with these characters. also this fic has vyn writing a ridic long plant care manual, showcasing just an IMPECCABLE UNDERSTANDING OF VYN'S CHARACTER KJFSBG. very very much looking forward to seeing how the nxx gang is gonna fare against a monster plant with a mouth

wait i just realized all these fics are somehow vyn centric. vyn richter is making me feel Some Kind Of Way (affectionate once more)

if you enjoy these fics, make sure to support the story with a kudos, comment, or bookmark!!!!

#tears of themis #tears of themis fanfic #vyn richter #tot vyn #i should add my fic recs to my masterlist sometime given im writing paragraphs of praise kjBJFD

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grownups-are-the-real-monsters · 4 years

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C'est Si Bon

Summary: Jack frowned, going to sit on his windowsill with a bitter expression. His mind filled with pictures of a lost boy in the middle of a yellow brick road. Only, it was not the green pastures of Oz. No. It was the place where Jack somehow knew was called ‘The Territories’(?). The great & terrible.

The ‘dreams’ had stopped attempting to fade and now just stick to the vulnerable parts of Jack’s brain. He no longer felt the place was a dream. But a memory, yes. That was right. He only couldn’t tell Rational Richard...his best friend and...whatever it was they were to each other now.

Ships: Jack Sawyer/Richard Sloat

Word Count: 4,442

Tomato sauce coated Richard Sloat’s tongue in a disgustingly thick pile which slid uncomfortably down his throat.

Coming close to their Senior Year Winter Break was nice & all but who in their right mind wanted a pizza party served to them at eight o’clock in the morning? Classmates of theirs filled the room with laughter while ol’ Rich got his answer...

Jack Sawyer shoveled the triangle slices into his mouth, folded in the middle just the way he liked it. A mess of cheese & sauce squeezed out the sides but his best friend never stopped claiming that was the best way to eat it.

The mild stare was quickly caught by Jack’s travelin’ eyes that never seemed to be satisfied with their view. The smile he shot back pulled Richard Sloat back into a memory with a strong & muddy grip on his cold arm.

--Shooting daisy air rifles in Jack’s backyard while miss Lily Cavanaugh Sawyer prepared iced tea despite the cold weather. Richard had been so afraid he’d catch his death from the wet air but Jack’s breath flew over his shoulder in visible puffs...yeah, Jacky taught him how to shoot.--

The sly movement of Jack’s blunt pencil brought him out of old thoughts and into something a little more...uncomfortable. There were occasional slinky moods which came over Jack like waves of cool blue water.

They could strike him at any moment, it was never a picky type. Jack would just begin to roll his tongue in a low bounce that sounded like pop thundering into a fountain glass. ‘HollywoodLand Jack’. That was how Richard referred to his risky persona though it made his best friend feel sort of annoyed.

Jack slid his note across his desk and into Richard’s view.

‘I know all the lyrics to C'est Si Bon now.’ was smudged in pencil

Richard pushed his thin frames up his nose and shook his head, unwilling to participate. He kept his eyes forward on their teacher who was attempting to ease back into a lesson or two. He was quite sure Jack could be patient enough to wait for his trademark response of ‘that’s nice, Jack’.

But as he so often did these days, Jack pressed on.

His pencil danced once more across the paper. ‘Payin’ attention to me, sugar?’

Richard huffed quietly, he stole the pencil and wrote quickly so the teacher would not notice. 'Would you stop it, Jack?’

Jack Sawyer peered over Richard’s arm with an amused but loving grin. It said, ‘Oh Richard, you freak. Live forever.’ to anyone who listened. He did not write that in response however. No. Instead, he wrote; ‘Marry me!’ just for the sake of teasing.

Surprisingly, Richie whispered his response before the note was passed again. “If only you make me a widow quick, Jacky.” He rolled his eyes and faced forward again.

The Jacky boy laughed. 'You wouldn’t be a widow long, Chum.' He wrote carefully though he figured it was safe to speak anyway.

'You bet I wouldn’t.' Richard printed on the note carefully before handing it back, reluctantly. He was in the middle of writing ‘And don’t call me Chum!’ when their teacher called out to them, legs stretching before him.

“Mr. Sloat, Mr. Sawyer, I hope your note passing was important enough to interrupt our lesson.” He frowned, wrinkles forming around the old mouth. Anyone who thought serving pizza & trying to continue teaching at the same time was a bright idea...well they deserved to be interrupted.

Richard froze, dropping the pencil as he did so. Jack looked at him with pain and guilt which doubled at the next sentence.

“Would you like for me to read that important note out-loud?”

Jack, ever so quick with his loudmouth, tried to think of a response but found himself too late as the paper slipped out from Richard’s binder and into the hands of their old teacher.

An old, old man might still recognize flirting when he saw it behind thick frames. He may even share it with joy to embarrass two sorry closeted gay kids in his class.

His sunken eyes flickered over the words and crumpled the sheet. “Consider this your first and last warning. Everyone turn your books to-”

Jack stopped listening but heard the sad ‘aw’ sounds of the kids around them, sad to be missing a chance to embarrass their classmates. He was glad to have dodged that but he just knew Richard was likely going to be steamed...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Of course I’m mad!” Richard wiggled his arms wildly as they walked towards the Sawyer household which had been housing ol’ Richie for some time since his father...passed away when they were twelve. “We could’ve been...exposed to our whole class.”

Weather-wise, it was a lovely sunny almost summer day. Jack clutched his books tighter and frowned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize he’d-”

Richard shrugged. “I already forgave you so I suppose we don’t need to bicker about it anymore.” He huffed like that frustrated him before smiling softly at his friend next to him. “I suggest the notes need to stop. Might be good for your health.” He chuckled.

Jack bounced. “That a threat, Richie boy?” He pulled Richard’s arm.

“No. Just a thought. You should take care of yourself.”

“Why I think the little man does care!” Jack pulled him again and giggled.

“I don't care. It's just that I'm used to you, that's all.” Richard smirked and quickened his pace, hoping Jack would gallop on over to catch up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Lily, victim to a new & happy routine, was again gone out for tea in the hour just before her son came home from school.

Jack had encouraged his mother’s hesitant belief that she needed to get out more with something of a prideful yet relieved attitude.

Richard knew not to question his best friend on the topic, not only because he believed Jack to be correct to have hope for his mother starting to enjoy life again, but also because the topic of dreams almost always followed.

The young boys had been sharing a bedroom since Richard’s trouble left him homeless. And since their nightly routines joined, Jack had begun to mumble in his sleep. Strange things of his mother, werewolves and hell sometimes Richard’s name even slipped out ( Known as Richie to the sleepy Jack). Years of being the kind of best friends who breezed in-and-out of each other’s homes lead Richard to knowing this was a new development, most likely brought on by stress of his sickly mother falling ill & recovering so quickly together.

But Jack did not like to discuss that. So Richard tried not to bring it up anymore.

“Come on, Sugar. Time’s a wasting!” Jack smirked brightly and rushed towards their doorway.

“Slow down, Jacky.”

Jack came over a step or two & watched Richard pull a diet coke from the fridge. He sipped at the rim, eyes peering over his glasses with his own special innocence. He completely ignored Jack’s impatient stare.

He laid against the doorway like a TV cowboy. “Bring you & your coke over here, Richard.” He tilted his grin and chuckled.

Another sip & Richard finally strolled over, going right past him. He fought a blossoming blush as Jack smoothly kissed his cheek and stole the can for his own drink. “I am dying to make-out with you until we fall asleep, Chum.” He never did have a problem with voicing his feelings as of late.

Richard appreciated that in a sense but a bit of strange discomfort nipped at his skin. He licked his lips because he couldn’t realistically hold back his charmed reactions. “You make this so easy, Jacky.”

Jack swallowed a second drink and handed to coke back over with a genuinely curious expression. “What do I make easy?”

Richard shrugged and with a push of a button, the TV static revealed a half clear image of that actress Jack liked so much...Myrna Loy. “Liking you.” Was about the simplest and most correct way to put it.

His friend’s face melted...the sentiment apparently rendering him speechless. Richard tried not to take a selfish pride in that reaction but it was hard not to. He found himself giggling, popping up to his knees on the edge of the bed.

He threw his arms around Jack’s neck and continued laughing against his neck.

“It’s all about you, Richie baby.” Jack gently pulled Richard back and stroked under his chin, pressing a kiss against his temple. He then rested his own chin atop his friends hair and froze there for a moment or two.

There was obviously something on that creative mind of his which Richard craved to ask for. He always went about things like that the same way since the boys were tots. Curving back so he could look him in the eyes, he gave him an old look.

Jack pulled away. “I wish you’d keep that mouth of yours closed, buddy.” He said, no venom in his tone at all. Just a sad...and sort of content(?) sounding sigh.

Richard leaned back on his palms and smiled. “Are you still dreaming?”

Jack frowned, going to sit on his windowsill with a bitter expression. His mind filled with pictures of a lost boy in the middle of a yellow brick road. Only, it was not the green pastures of Oz. No. It was the place where Jack somehow knew was called ‘The Territories’(?). The great & terrible.

The ‘dreams’ had stopped attempting to fade and now just stick to the vulnerable parts of Jack’s brain. He no longer felt the place was a dream. But a memory, yes. That was right.

He only couldn’t tell Rational Richard...his best friend and...whatever it was they were to each other now.

“Bad dreams?” Richard questioned farther.

“C’est Si Bon.” Jack answered smugly and hopped onto the bed, deciding to be chummy again. “So nothing to worry about.” He sat next to him and brushed some of his featherlight hair from his face.

Richard opened his mouth but it fell shut when Miss Lily Sawyer could be heard coming into the living room. Jack slouched against him, head resting on his shoulder with a mixture of expectance and disappointment.

“So long HollywoodLand Jack.” Richard mumbled quietly, pushing his glasses back up and kissing Jack’s cheek as he sat up.

Jack huffed but smiled nonetheless. He attacked Richard’s cheek and neck with kisses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the first time in a long while, Richard dreamed of his Father among other things.

Not nice dreams.

‘The closet with the folding doors...his daddy going inside and not coming out. No matter how long he called for him...’ Richard stirred in his bed which went unnoticed to his sleeping friend on the other side of the room.

‘Shooting daisy air rifles--yeah, Jacky taught him how to shoot.’ Richard let out a whimper. ‘Richard was there in full-body now. A small degree of a fever burned under his skin--Jacky was teaching him how to shoot in the closet. They were in there together.’

He shot up in his bed, sweat pouring down from his temples. The wide world of unfamiliar beauty had almost been painted behind his eyelids for a moment there. He hardly was aware of the scene his waking up had been until he glanced up to see the concerned face of miss Lily.

Her beautiful face was close by as she knelt on the carpet, robe pooling at her knees. He wanted to cry. Cry for his lost daddy but knew with all his heart that he very well couldn’t do that. Especially with Lilly Sawyer just there next to his bed.

“My word.” She smiled gently. “You were just about inches from plopping onto this old carpet.” Their relationship hadn’t been all sunshine & rainbows considering what old Morgan Sloat had done to her & her family. But credit to Miss Lily. She always treated him kindly.

“I’m sorry for waking you, Mrs. Sawyer.” He frowned, blinking into the dark room. She shook her head and set down a glass of water onto his nightstand.

“I was already up. Drink some and go back to sleep, will you?” She tapped the glass and looked onto him with what might’ve been fondness.

And just like that, she was gone from the room.

Richard slurped down the water, attempting to slow down before he gave himself the hiccups. He was about to settle in for sleep again when Jack padded over, pajama pants a bit long for him. Richard wasn’t quite sure when the boy had woke.

He sat down next to him and looked down with a curious expression. It was nothing like any of his usual faces which unsettled Richard immensely. He shuffled closer and rested his cheek against Jack’s arm.

“I’m sorry, Sugar.” Jack mumbled, shifting down so they could lay face-to-face instead. Richard simply hummed.

“Just bad dreams, Jack.” He blinked his eyes closed, long lashes free from behind his glasses, and nearly drifted again.

His partner just continued to frown, drifting closer. “I hope you can remember the time I fell in love with you, Richard.” Jack spoke so softly that Richard barely heard. He figured he really wasn’t supposed to hear that. Jack thought he’d gone back to rest. “When and where.” An afterthought, he spoke aloud.

Jack kissed his temple and returned to his own bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Myrna Loy was on the cheap TV again the next Saturday morning. Jack watched her move about William Powell as he shoveled dusty cereal into his mouth. He’d even picked up Richard’s habit, no milk but still using a spoon.

“G’Morning.” Jack mumbled into his bowl.

Richard could tell from the missing keys on the hook by the door that Miss Lilly had left, he hoped she was treating herself to a quiet breakfast. So he slowly started on his toast, kissing the top of Jack’s head for a greeting.

“I want to talk about us-”

“Can I ask you about your dream last night-?”

The boys spoke at the same time, not unlike them at all, but felt a flicker of pre-tension. Richard frowned. He didn’t want to talk about the useless dream, he knew he was a big fat hypocrite but there really was no point in chatting about something probably induced by a heavy dinner or stress. “It was a nightmare. About my dad.” He shrugged. “It’s nearing his Birthday, now that I think about it. That’s probably why.” He rolled his lips together and forced tears back in.

Jack gently took his hand and rubbed circles on his skin. “Any other details you remember-?”

Richard ripped his hand away and scuffed, moving to the other side of the kitchen area. “I don’t know, Jack. What does it matter anyway?” His eyes narrowed.

Jack shrunk back but kept a stoic expression. “I just want to talk about it, Richard.” His tongue clicked. “You always want to talk about mine-”

“Yeah! But that’s because I can help you figure out the real reasons for your dreams.” He finally pushed his glasses (which had been hooked onto his sleep shirt) onto his face. “I fear for how you might encourage my odd dreams.”

Jack groaned. He took slight offense at the comment. “I’m not insane.” His friend frowned, clasping a coffee mug close to his chest.

The room was silent for another twenty minutes or so while Richard finished making his neatly plated breakfast and sat across the counter. “I still want to talk about us.”

Jack blinked up at him and then...shrugged. As if to say; ‘Go ahead but I’m still pissed. Might even win this argument because of it.’

“You love me?” Richard hated the phrasing of his question. It made him sound childish but...he felt as nervous ever. “As in...in love...you know? Are you in love with me? That’s what I mean.” He was embarrassed that he lost his ability to articulate.

Jack wanted to be angry still. That much could be seen in his initial expression but it melted shortly after. His cheeks flushed a light red color. “Yeah. Of course I am.”

‘Not thinking, Jack came back in for a moment and kissed Richard’s cheek. Richard put his arms around Jack’s neck for a moment and hugged fiercely. Then he let Jack go. Neither of them said anything.’

Richard felt that spike of memory hit the middle of his forehead and he squinted from sheer pressure. “What did you mean then? Last night? When & where?”

“Are you sure you want to hear about that, Sugar? Might encourage your odd dreams.” Jack went back to pissed rather quickly from smitten. Richard felt a pang of guilt. He rolled his lips together and sighed. “If you know, you know-” He started, leaning over the counter to claim some of Richard’s body heat.

“What does that mean-?”

Jack chuckled. “It means...maybe one day, you’ll remember. I hope so. But-” He cut himself off and tilted his half-grin.

‘And you won’t always be reminding me? You know...jogging my memory?’

‘Not if you want to forget.’

‘I do, Jack. I really do.’

Jack shook his head. “I don’t know that I should just keep reminding you.” He felt a sudden burst of dizziness and fell back on the seat of his fading jeans.

Richard took a deflated bite of toast. “You make me happy, Jack.” He swallowed, speaking earnestly. His buddy had a way of telling if he wasn’t.

Jack’s face came over with another beautiful smile. “Just the four words I wanted to hear, Richie.” He reached over, wiped a crumb from his friend’s lip and kissed him softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside the crystal clear windows, flakes of snow danced through the air and pelted the ground. Jack Sawyer’s mind nearly recalled every bit of his twelve year old self’s adventure. There was an odd bit of a mourning period after the most of it rained down on him. The Territories seemed so close yet so far out from his reach.

He folded the laundry and kept himself entertained with a thin novel, cracked open in his free hand. Richard was working on a fresh pot of coffee and his mother was in her morning shower.

Though, Richard came from the kitchen in mere seconds with his light-blue mug clutched in a steady hand; which he then used to turn the knob on the Television down. Jack watched him settle gracefully on the carpet with a smile. He folded one of his shirts and took it upon himself to start singing ‘Love & Marriage’ quietly...

Richard peeked up at him with an amused smirk. “Who are you saving that lovely singing voice for? Your actress...” He raised a brow and sipped his coffee. He tipped his chin to yet another Myrna Loy movie playing on the screen.

Jack smiled. “Not my type.”

“You have a type?” He chuckled.

“Only you, Sugar.” Jack threw another shirt into the basket. “A Lanky brunette with attitude.” He winked and enjoyed the way Richard rolled his fond eyes. He crawled onto the floor next to him and kissed his cheek over & over.

Richard chuckled and pretended he didn’t love the soft attention. He curled closer after a few seconds of gently swatting him away. Once he was basically between Jack’s legs & leaning on his chest, he sighed.

Jack hugged his boy a little tighter and heard himself speak in his head. ‘I’m going to take care of you Richard. You’re the herd now.’ Air just barely made it past his lips as they thinned together, nestling his face into Richard’s hair.

A second voice spoke in a nasty tone. ‘Do you know what the bible says about homosexuality, Jack? Well, all boys are bad. It’s axiomatic.’

The door to the bathroom flew open & just like that, his old chum jumped back onto the couch. It left a cold feeling of disappointment deep in Jack’s gut while he watched Richard straighten himself out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Failing to start his car in the middle of the movie rental parking lot was where Jack began to realize he was genuinely worrying for Richard for the first time in a few years.

His chum was curled up on the hood of the old car, sneakers flat on the metal as his knees curled up to his chin. The sun gave his skin a shiny glaze which was reminiscent of the old days they’d used to spend playing at the park. But the chill was unmistakable.

Rich was in the thick pine green sweater that Jack simply adored because it was like cuddling with a pillow.

‘I want to be awake, Jack. I don’t want to have this dream anymore. No. I don’t want to.’

Jack stuck his head out the window and enjoyed the view he was gifted for the few seconds he had left. Richard turning to look back at him with the pale winter sun shining on the roads behind him. “Are you still having those dreams?” He dared to ask.

Richard frowned, legs sliding down the hood. “Yeah. But things pass as time goes by.” He looked as if he knew that answer would only disappoint Jack. He shook his head. “Where did you get these ideas about my dreams being...real?”

With the inflection on that question, Jack was positive now that Richard remembered his time with Travelin’ Jack & the Territories. He was just masking it as he’d done when it was a current event in his life.

Richie knew Jack knew this too. But hell if he’d admit to it.

Jack rolled his eyes and stood from his seat, shutting the car door behind him. “I don’t want to fight about this, Chum.” He spoke earnestly, sounding a bit like a black-and-white film star. “I just want to know if you’re hurting at all?”

“I was.” He tilted his head. “Most of them were nightmares about my dad...or me getting hurt badly.”

Jack tried not to picture those gray moments where Richard had been grotesquely injured in the Territories.

Richard’s eyelids fluttered from the weight of a long afternoon. “But some...” He leaned into Jack just the slightest. “Are you & I speaking of how we love the other before going on another leg of some journey. Those ones are nice.” He nodded.

Richard, who’s eyelashes were short but his eyes were huge, looked up at Jack with so much love in that moment that Jack might’ve swept him into a long movie kiss if they weren’t in public. “Maybe I don’t remember a lot about the where, Jack.” (He remembered more each night) “Hell, maybe I don’t even want to-” (he didn’t) “But I love you. So much and so seriously.” (He did. More than he ever loved anyone.)

Jake softened, opening his mouth-

“I just don’t like thinking about that time.” Tears started to fall down Richard’s cheeks.

“But you admit...?”

He swallowed something thick and nodded with annoyance. “It happened. I know that.” He looked Jacky in the eyes. “But I don’t want to remember it because it scared me. Badly. What my dad did...”

He shook his head. “I hate him. But when I think back about that time in my life...when you came in through the Thayer window. Well, I remember how I used to love him. I don’t want to give his memory that satisfaction. And I sure as hell don’t want to live through the heartbreak again.”

Jack glanced up at him and almost died of fright. For when he looked up, he briefly saw... ‘Richard’s poor, tired face was covered with running blood...He could see the naked gleam of Richard Sloat’s skull’

“I’m sorry, sugar. I’m so sorry-” Jack rushed forward, momentarily forgetting they were definitely in a public area, and kissed his boyfriend over-and-over.

Richard hummed. “It’s ok...” the hum turned into a chuckle. “Jack? Jacky? C’mon before people stare. Or throw shit.” He patted his back and smiled when Jack pulled away. “I’m sorry I can’t remember some if it as fondly as you can. But just know that I’m so amazed by you for what you did. And I’ll gladly hear more of your Wolf stories anytime.” He pushed some of Jack’s sweaty hair back.

Jack positively glowed. “You remember me telling you about Wolf?”

Richard nodded. “I wish I got to meet him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilly fixed the boys some hot tea before bed & told them earnestly that she knew. She knew about them being together & for a while. It’d shocked Richard to no end but Jack just grinned. So, so happy to have his mother in his life. So thankful for the chance to save her.

She said her goodnights and headed off for bed.

So Jack figured he’d gotten a gentle permission to lay in bed with Richard...at least until he fell asleep. Then he’d move to his own bed again & give his boyfriend some space.

He laid there next to him, brushing his hair back and enjoying Richard’s quiet ramblings.

“I’m sorry if I...” He started. “If I worry too much. I know I have a lot of anxiety and that can be difficult to deal with.” Richard mumbled as Jack softly removed his glasses for him.

“Don’t apologize, Chum.” He kissed Richard’s nose when it wrinkled at the nickname. “I know that there are people who might think that’s a bad thing about you...but I get it. And I love you for it.” He leaned down to kiss him.

Jack chuckled at his own sudden nerves. “I don’t want you to ever end up with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself...who would want you to be more of a ‘normal type person’ or some shit.” He felt an odd bunch of tears start to drown his eyes. “Who wouldn’t know to leave your greatness alone. Ok? So I just want to say that I can do that for you...for the rest of your life, if you wanted.”

Richard pushed himself up to a sitting position and was dead silent for a few seconds. “We can’t get married, Jacky.”

Jack grinned and nodded his head. “I know. But I think maybe one day we’ll be able to. Would you like that?”

Richard wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and giggled. “Yeah! I would. You dork.” He smashed their lips together and enjoyed the way they melted together.

They laid together just long enough to hear ‘C’est Si Bon’ play on Jack’s record player 1 time and then were off to sleep...

#richard sloat is one of my soul characters #i love him so much #jack sawyer #richard sloat #richard/jack #The Talisman #my fanfiction #stephen king #peter straub

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