#i should be looking for an apartment and a therapist but i'm doing this instead and i am at peace with my choices | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

archangeldyke-all · 2 months

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can you write something about amab ceo sev and her trans identity and story, i love ceo sev sm she has my whole heart

yeah lets do it!

quick disclaimer! i'm cis, so if there's any mistakes/missteps lmk and i will fix it asap!

men and minors dni

i imagine sevika as one of those people who's just always known who they are. not just in terms of queerness, but like, just opinions and taste and personality in general.

so i think when she was a kid, she likely knew she was trans, just like she knew she liked women. she might not have had the vocabulary to name it, or known that other people feel it, but she never questioned it about herself specifically.

i dont think she would've told anyone, though.

sevika's incredibly perceptive-- she would have known, even as a kid, how talking about the different feelings she was having could upset people, or get her in trouble.

she found the words for what she'd always known to be true about herself when she was an early teenager. sevika's a big reader, and she was one of those kids who wants to know how everything works: from machines to nature to politics to society-- she'd stumble across the complexities of gender identity earlier than most kids do.

but again, she didn't tell anyone. sevika's no stranger to how horrible people can be-- she didn't want to give anybody an extra reason to fuck with her. instead, she just kept to herself, finding comfort in reading as many books and articles on queerness and transness that she could get her hands on.

she understood early on what she was up against, being a trans, gay, brown/black woman in this society. but she never let it deter her.

the second she turned fifteen she got a job as a busser at a restaurant in her town. she saved every penny-- and she worked all the time. besides the occasional pack of gum and pair of socks, the only thing sevika ever bought in was a junker of a car from her neighbor-- only $500.

she repaired it on her own during her free time. (of which, there was hardly any.)

the second she turned eighteen, sevika packed up her belongings in the backseat of her car and left her hometown never to return. it was now that she could finally start living her truth.

with her saving she managed to get an apartment to lease for a few months while she scrambled for a job. for a while, she was bouncing from security job to security job, but then she managed to snag a stable position as a saleswoman.

with her new job she got benefits. a 401k and healthcare.

she started going to therapy at, like, 20. again-- sevika's incredibly self aware. she was laying in bed staring at the ceiling once night, and she just thought to herself 'huh, you know, i've kinda been through a lot. i'm kinda going through a lot. i should... probably go to therapy.' and then she just did.

it took her a few tries to find a good therapist, but then she met a four foot tall little old lady who looked like mrs. clause but cursed like a sailor. sevika fell in love the moment they met.

mrs. clause-- or dr. walsh-- was a no-nonsense, no-bullshit kind of lady. each time sevika would try to downplay her achievements or doubt herself, dr. walsh would throw a crumbled postit at her face and rant-encourage-remind sevika about her strength and bravery.

with dr. walsh's help, sevika started to see her future as something that could be... positive. she'd been so focused on escaping the past, she forgot she could look forward. but once she did-- she was exhilarated.

it was definetly an, 'oh, shit, i can do anything i fucking want' moment for her.

she knew that she had it in her to do it-- she'd proven it to herself time and time again-- now she just had to decide what she wanted to do.

it took her a while, a lot of research and soul searching, but by the time she was 22 she started to socially transition.

her hair'd always been long, but she finally treated herself to a visit to a salon-- getting it styled in the perfect slightly slanted bob she'd always wanted. she made a promise to herself in the parking lot that she'd never cut her own hair again, she was so fucking thrilled with the experience and the outcome. (her stylist was a huge gossip-- spent the entire time telling sevika about her sister's sex life. sevika had a blast)

she started treating herself to more clothes. custom tailored suits for the office-- blouses and button ups and fun silky ties for underneath.

(all the while, she was effortlessly climbing the ranks at work. despite the horrible office culture in a competitive environment like sales-- money talks. and sevika was outselling all her co-workers.)

she found the name 'sevika' one day completely randomly. she hadn't really given changing her name any thought until her eyes glanced over the name in contact screen of a stranger's phone-- but she couldn't get the sound of it out of her head.

at 25, sevika started to medically transition. with a lot of research, both on her and dr. walsh's end-- she started estrogen.

she was thrilled. she knew changes couldn't be seen on a day to day basis-- but she swore every day she woke up looking and feeling more and more like her.

always a gym rat-- sevika's muscular frame started to carry a little more curve.

she smiled for a full six hours the first time she noticed her ass jiggling in the full length mirrors at the gym as she did burpies.

sevika was no stranger to eyeliner having gone through a bit of an emo phase as a kid-- but beyond that she found the sensory feeling of makeup unbearable.

but when she found out that there was such a thing as tattoo-able makeup-- you bet your ass she made an appointment. it hurt like a bitch but it was worth it when she could have perfectly defined dark lips all throughout the day no matter how many coffee cups she sipped from or chicken burritos she sank her teeth into.

at work, sevika had worked her way up so high the ranks that nobody dared to give her shit anymore. and when they did-- she just fired them.

she spent her late 20s dating around. she had a few girlfriends and a lot of flings, but nothing ever really worked for her. it did give her a shit-ton of confidence though.

the more herself she became-- both in her body and in her job and in her bed-- the bigger and brighter her future seemed.

this isn't to say she never had shitty days. she had plenty. some she journaled about, some she cried about, some she boxed about, some she called dr. walsh about. the worst ones she drank about-- though as she was growing up the hangovers were making this one less tolerable.

people are assholes. dysphoria is a fucking asshole. sevika's boss was an asshole. but when she felt close to drowning-- when she felt the grief and sadness and the self-destructive urges creep up-- she just closed her eyes and thought of herself at fourteen-- cooking up a plan to get as far away from home as she could. she imagines herself meeting teenage-sev, telling her all the things she'd come to do, (and all the girls she'd come to do, if you know what i mean, wink wink, nudge nudge) and she imagines how fuckin' proud little emo-acne-riddled-brace-face sevika would be of her.

it works every time.

on her thirtieth birthday, she bought herself a breast augmentation. she loved her tits-- but she just wanted a little more. she wanted to have to wear a bra under her silky button ups, instead of it being optional. but once she got them done she was so fucking thrilled she didn't want to wear a bra under her button ups. (she did, of course, because wasn't trying to cause an hr nightmare at work.)

when dr. walsh died-- sevika was devastated. there were a few months there where she was in complete depression. she made no attempt to find a new therapist-- she took as much paid time off from work as she could, just to sit around her house alone.

but then one night-- sevika swears on her life-- dr. walsh visited her in a dream with a message

'you better get your shit together girl! don't let all my hard work go to waste!'

sevika woke up the next morning laughing and crying, and she was back at work the next day.

she found a new therapist, and she forced herself to make new friends, suddenly aware that the only person in the world who knew her had died.

she started hanging out with some of her more tolerable co-workers, and she was shocked to realize that most of them were... actually pretty cool.

she started taking herself out to dinner-- just her and a book-- just so she could spend more time with herself.

she made it a point to take a vacation once every six months.

and when the ceo of her company stepped down, she was riding on a high. she was feeling good about life, so she decided: fuck it.

and she applied for the open position.

and then she got the job.

and at thirty five, sevika finally felt like she was in her bright future-- not just working towards it.

the night before her first night on the job-- sevika's mind was racing.

there were so many changes she needed to make, so many ideas she had to implement in the company. not to mention the fact that she had to buy furniture for her new office, and find an assistant-- and a good assistant is really fucking hard to come by-- and was she sure she could really do this job in the first place? what if she made a mistake accepting it-- what if she can't handle it--

sevika cut her racing thoughts off, scrubbing her face. she took a second to breathe, then she conjured up little-sev in her mind to give her an update and get a pep talk.

who the fuck are you? little teenage sevika asked, huffing as she had to shove her headphones off her ears.

'i'm you, jackass.'

...woah. we look... hot...

'duh.'

how did that happen?

'moved away, worked hard, got lucky, got rich.' sevika says, watching her younger self's eyebrows rise.

shit... look at our tits!

'i know-- they're great, right?'

fuck yeah. well... whaddya want?

'wanted to tell you we just got promoted to ceo.'

...really?

'yeah. we start tomorrow.'

...us?

'yeah. we're like... kind of a big deal now.'

...woah.

'yeah woah.'

then, just as she's about to drift off to sleep, sevika's mind speaks again.

...soooo... have we met our wife yet?

taglist!

@fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki @emiliabby

#hehehe *enter reader*#sevika #sevika imagine #sevika arcane #sevika x reader #sevika x you #soft sevika

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copperbadge · 5 months

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Told my therapist about NaClYoHo, and she likes the idea a lot. But she had a really important question that I couldn't answer: What happens at the end of November for people who want or need to continue?

Hey, I told mine too! She thought it was a smart way to systematize something that even people without ADHD struggle with. I did write a little about this in the manifesto but not in a systemic way, and perhaps I should add some kind of "What Happens After November?" onto the end, so thank you for asking this question!

No system works for every person, and often if a system does work, only part of it works. So when I went to write the manifesto, I wanted to make it as modular as possible. There's a reason that while NaClYoHo is a community, it's a very loose one, without a messageboard or discord or anything that would more intentionally bring people together. This is meant to be a framework on which you build your own home, not an apartment building.

So honestly, what happens at the end of November is up to you.

(I'm assuming for the rest of this post that you've been participating, but if you haven't, that's okay -- most of this should still apply, it's just less about "continuing momentum" and more about "committing to an idea".)

I talk a little in the manifesto about how doing this can help to systematize it -- having spent 30 days putting on a podcast and cleaning can teach you that it's easier than you think, and can put you in the habit. So if you feel it's good for you, keep doing what you're doing. Even posting about it, if you want. Maybe find a buddy you can talk to about it, or give it five minutes in therapy every week.

That said, doing this Every Day For A Month can also be tiring. I find it stressful! I manage the stress, but right now I look forward to giving myself permission not to see something dirty or broken and feel compelled to clean or fix it. Part of doing this in November, for me, is that the rest of the year I can say "Well, that's a November problem" and let it go. So you can, instead of keeping on, start keeping notes about what needs to be done, and either wait until next November, or designate a time period every few months to take care of it. Or have one day a week that's the Salty Pirate day, where you do dishes, or vacuum, or fold laundry or whatever.

NaClYoHo is going to taper gently for me -- it ends tomorrow, but some stuff is going to linger, like the craft projects I need to finish or the furniture I need to assemble that hasn't arrived yet. You can also do that -- keep cleaning as long as you have energy and, once you're feeling tired, stop for a bit.

Now, bearing in mind that I'm just a guy on the internet, it seems like your therapist is engaged with your process, so I would recommend bringing it back to her. She seems like the ideal person to help you make a plan for after November -- you can examine your options, maybe come up with some I haven't named, and discuss how each of them might impact you. And if you're checking in with her about it going forward, she can help you gauge how you're doing with it. At some point it might just be so habitual you don't need to worry about it as a process anymore -- or at some point you might need to set yourself a boundary.

It can be a little intimidating to put yourself so fully in control of something, but the only way you make this work for you is to make it your own. Whether that means continuing on with your whole chest, or shrinking it down for the rest of the year, or stopping -- you get to decide.

Good luck. :) And give your therapist a high five for me.

#naclyoho #national clean your home month

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thelov3lybookworm · 17 days

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Prone to Infatuation

day 1: human tamlin

modern!au

Summary: Feyre won't mind

•○●⛦●○•

A/n: happy @tamlinweek to all my fellow girlies who love tamtam!!! heres my lil fic for the first day of the week ❣️

enjoyy!!

Coming over to visit her friend's ex had probably not been a great idea. It had been, obviously, a hard decision to make.

But did she regret it?

Absolutely not.

He had been her friend too once, and he did not deserve to be thrown aside after the messy break up.

Sure, what he did was not the best thing to do, but it came from a place of good reasoning. He should not have locked Feyre up in their shared apartment, but Y/n could not find it in herself to blame his actions when she knew of his past.

He had never had parents that loved each other, and so the only way he saw his father caring for his mother was when he would lock her up in the house. Tamlin was young, and did not understand that it was not love that he witnessed, but being a psychology student, Y/n could understand what he went through.

He could have definitely handled it better, but if someone just sat him down to tell him where he went wrong, he could have become better.

She was not erasing his mistakes or saying that he did not make them, but she understood his reasns behind them. He had made mistakes, sure, but so had Feyre when instead of just talking to him, she just up and left and moved on while Tamlin was left with no one.

So today, Y/n had decided to pay him a visit after hearing from Lucien that he seemed to be getting better.

With a deep breath, Y/n lifted her hand to knock on the door to his apartment. A few moments filled with the sounds of shuffling and one loud crash later, his form filled the doorway.

He looked... unkempt. His hair sticking all out in all the wrong places, dark circles under his eyes... He just looked so miserable.

"Um, hi."

He blinked at Y/n, seeming not to hear her words. But then he straightened, the shock fading from his eyes as he gave her an uncertain smile.

"Hey Y/n. What brings you here?"

"What, I can't visit my friends without reason?"

He blinked, leaning back. "Uhh. You can of course. I'm sorry-"

Instantly, guilt spread through Y/n. She reached out to touch the back of his hand, staring up at him. "Tam, I was joking."

"Oh. Right, sorry-"

With a sigh, Y/n wrapped her arms around his torso- shirtless torso-letting her head rest on his chest for a moment until he hugged her back.

He let her go after a moment, the sadness, the loneliness that shone on his face making Y/n want to commit atrocities.

As he led her in, she studied her surroundings, swallowing.

The place was meticulously clean looking, except for a few pieces of clothing here and there.

The house looked nothing like it had the last time she visited with Mor. That was back when Feyre had called them up to break her out of the house.

Everything had been lying on the ground back then, as if thrown around in a fit of rage. Y/n had been disgusted, but now all she felt was sympathy.

"So... how have you been."

Tamlin glanced back at her as he snatched his t-shirt form the back of the couch. "Better."

Y/n smiled, nodding.

"That's great."

He studied her for a moment, his eyes skeptical. But then he settled down on one of the chairs at the kitchen island, sighing. "It really is. You were right. Therapy does help."

That statement surprised Y/n. She could not remember talking to him about therapy except for that one time she had mentioned about it in passing, telling him something about her chosen subject of study.

"You are going to therapy?"

He offered her a small smile. "Yes. And it's been helping a lot."

Y/n placed her bag on the counter as she mirrored his position and smiled, genuine and happy. "I'm so glad to hear that, Tam. How is it going?"

"The therapist reminds me a lot of my mother, with the way she looks, the way she yells at me sometimes," He laughed. "I'm becoming better, that much I know. I've come to terms with the fact that not everyone stays forever, and that it is okay to let go of people. It took me over two months to get over my fear of losing people, but its working."

Her eyes prickled at the genuine joy he radiated, the way he seemed more open and vulnerable and happy about it too.

"That's amazing. You atleast have your friends, even though she left. You'll always have us."

He paused for a moment. "Does she know you're visiting?"

Y/n sighed. "She is not my mother, she does not need to know about my whereabouts."

"So she doesn't."

Her silence was answer enough for him.

"You should lave then. I don't want you to jeopardise your friendship just because you came to see her abusive ex."

Tears gathered in Y/n's eyes at his thoughtfulness.

"She won't mind."

I hope she doesn't.

If she got mad about Y/n just visiting Tamlin, Y/n couldn't fathom what Feyre would do if she found out about Y/n's little crush on Tamlin.

"Are you hungry?"

A few hours, a bottle of wine and two large pizzas later, Y/n found herself spread on Tamlin's couch like a blanket as she giggled at something a drunk Tamlin mumbled from where he sat on the ground, leaning back against the couch next to her head.

Silence settled between them again, the awkwardness from a few hours ago nowhere in sight.

"I should get going."

Tamlin glanced at the clock on the opposite wall at that, nodding solemnly. "It's getting late."

Y/n rolled over, reaching up to twirl a strand of his hair around her fingers. "I don't want to though."

He turned his head to look at her, his face flushed from the wine. "Stay then."

Y/n smirked. "Already trying to get me into your bed huh. At least take me out on a date first."

He laughed, head thrown back. "Would this not be considered a date?" He said, gesturing to the half empty eaten pizza on the low coffee table.

"No."

He grinned, leaning his head closer to hers. "Fine then. Are you free tomorrow? Let me take you out on this date you want."

Suddenly, Y/n felt much more sober. "What?"

He huffed. "You basically have I like Tamlin written on your forehead in red paint, love. You can't expect me to not notice."

Y/n shot up, wrapping her arms around herself to do what, she didn't know. "I- I'm sorry-"

"Don't be. We're humans. We tend to fall in love and are prone to infatuation."

Y/n gave him an unamused look as she stood, gathering her things and heading towards the door.

She could hear him following her, but she ignored the urge to just die and reached for her coat hanging next to the door.

Tried to.

His hand caught hers before she could grab the material, tugging her back into his hard chest.

"I am not kidding Y/n. I mean it. Let me take you out for dinner. And not just because I want you in my bed."

She turned her head to look at him, failing to hide her blush due to his proximity.

"What..."

He gave her a dazzling smile. "Let me take you out on a date. Let me court you, the way you read about in your books."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Really."

"Okay..."

"So I'll pick you up at seven?"

Acotar Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686 @cassie6392 @kennedy-brooke @tele86 @miluiel1 @hnyclover @minnieoo @sidrapotter @piceous21 @mybestfriendmademe @saltedcoffeescotch @eve175 @starsinyourseyes @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @byyalady @lilah-asteria @girlswithimagination @gardenofrunar

#tamlin x reader #tamlin x yn #tamlin #pro tamlin #acotar #acotar fandom #acotar fanfic #acotar fluff #acotar series #acotar writing #a court of thorns and roses #sarah j maas #acotar headcanon #mating bond #acotar au #acotar headcanons

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naavispider · 4 months

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Spider stood outside the apartment, trying to calm his pounding heart. Maybe this wasn't as great an idea as he thought. What if Quar - his dad didn't want to see him after all they had been through?

"The uncertainty will drive you crazy. To move forward, you have to try. If he refuses, you will know that this chapter of your life is closed for good. However, if he agrees, you can start over together." - The voice of his therapist, Janine, rang in his head. Spider sighed quietly. At the urging of Norm and the Sullys, he finally agreed to start therapy to work through all the turmoil in his life, and although it did bring some relief, the process itself was not very pleasant. And that's how he found himself at his father's door, with whom he decided to cut off all contact. He nervously adjusted his hair, automatically running his hand over the beads that Tuk had woven into it. "Breathe", he reminded himself and took a preventive puff of his inhaler. "The worst thing he can do is close the door in your face". Finally, with a trembling hand, he rang the bell. "That was it, there was no turning back".

He heard footsteps and a moment later the door opened. Quaritch looked the same but a bit older. Spider noticed more gray hair and more wrinkles around blue eyes wide open with surprise look . They both spent a few seconds just staring at each other, taking in the sight of the other.

"Um...Hi, Dad." He began, mentally cursing his trembling voice.

"Son" The man replied and Spider felt a lump in his throat. Even though he heard that word from Jake's mouth almost every day, it felt like he was hearing it for the first time in 4 years. An uncontrollable smile appeared on his face, which was an attempt to hide his nervousness, even though he had a feeling that it didn't work out well. Quaritch still didn't speak. "Damn, you should have warned him somehow, instead of appearing in front of him without any warning.." He shifted awkwardly, swallowing and saying a quick mental prayer to Eywa that his greatest fears of rejection would not be realized.

"Can I come in?" It took all of his willpower to keep himself from running away as Quaritch mercifully nodded in agreement and Spider almost sighed aloud in relief as he crossed the threshold.

“Sit down,” came the voice of the homeowner. He tried for the last time to put together what he had to say (of course to no avail, as he collapsed due to his nerves) as he crossed the room to carry out the order. He saw Quaritch move out of the corner of his eye and looked up hesitantly. The man was rubbing tattoo. A tattoo that evoked so many feelings in Spider that he couldn't even describe them. His dad caught his eye and immediately stopped, probably not wanting to scare him away. He then took a hesitant position, leaving enough space between them that Spider wasn't afraid to make a move. "Get your shit together, you're an adult and it was your choice to come here, so start a topic". Maybe he should start the conversation with the fact that after years of feeling separate and stupid, he was finally diagnosed with ADHD? Maybe then Quaritch would understand why he's sitting here speechless, as if his brain had shut down.

"This is weird" he focused on honesty. To his relief, his dad laughed lightly.

"I'm sorry for... dropping in."

So that's it, that's all for now because I don't know if it makes any logical sense at all 😅 Spider's thoughts are originally written in italics, but here they are removed, so they are in quotation marks. Sorry for any mistakes, but English is not my first language and I have never written anything like that. If you like it, I can write something more because I have some ideas haha

Jsjshsjjsjs OMG?!!! You wrote JANINE?!!! When I read her name I screAMED 😭😭 of couRSE she’s Spider’s therapist in this au 😭😭 I loved this so much! I was grinning the whole time 😍 Please, if you’d like to write more I would LOVE to read it! 🥰💞💙💞💙

#spider socorro #miles quaritch #avatar modern au #avatar the way of water #avatar 2 #miles spider socorro #atwow #the cat's in the cradle #ask #the cat’s in the cradle: epilogue #spider pov #mama Janine

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morganski-19 · 4 days

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I Don't Know Which Way's Home

Chapter 16: Relocation

Apparently when I said it would be a few days late, that really meant a week late. But I'm back now.

ao3 link, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15

Present Day, March 1987

Julie wakes up in the middle of the night. Heart racing just a bit, slowing as she readjusts. The memories from last night replay in her mind. It’s all she thinks about. Well, not all.

It’s stupid to even compare these two things. Stupid to have herself thrown back six months and feel the same way all over again. It was the last time she was thrown out of her home unexpectantly. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, it wasn’t that long ago. Her life was uprooted not that long ago.

When her mom died, and she had to move, it felt kind of like this. With a lot more tears, and a lot more pain. But the questions without answers, the spontaneity of it all. It was the same. Julie didn’t plan for it to happen this way. It just happened.

Things in her life just keep happening. But that’s how life works, isn’t it? Things happen, and no one can control it. And when they try to, it just fails anyway. There’s just a force greater than anyone can imagine making life shit for everyone. Breaking apart families, making them lose people they love.

Julie’s not a religious person. Never was. Her mom wasn’t either, not after getting pregnant. It was hard enough being a single mom, she didn’t need more dirty looks. Especially from ones who were supposed to love everyone no matter their sins. It didn’t feel that way most of the time.

If the force that took Julie’s mom away, kicked her out of her childhood home, then the house that just became home, was really all knowing and good, she didn’t believe it anymore. What about the death that’s happened in this town? Everywhere else? What about Steve? Was it really planned for parents to hate their son like this? Kick him out of his house with a bruise on his cheek. That he won’t tell her anything about.

She needs to know that the bruise isn’t because of her. Because he took her in. She can’t be the reason why he’s hurt. It would be too much. Too much that’s been caused because of her. He’s already moving, got a new job, suing his parents. Julie is the catalyst of it all. Even if she wasn’t the cause.

How much peace would Steve have without her here? How much of a disturbance did she really cause?

When they first met, and she was in that foster home, it was easy to take from him. Steve had so much that he was willing to give. Growing up in the life Julie could have had if the tables were turned. It was easy to take some of what she thought she deserved. But then she learned more about him, about his life there. It wasn’t so easy anymore. Julie started to feel like a burden.

Still feels like a burden. Steve has to hide parts of himself in his own home because of her, even though he’s not doing it very well. He had to move into a place that could accommodate her. Go through all this trouble just to keep her around. Act ten years older than he is.

Steve’s still young. Only three years older than her but acting so much older. Taking in so much responsibility as a twenty-year-old. That’s not normal. He should be out parting, meeting new people, making mistakes and learning from them. Instead, he’s stuck in a nine-to-five and coming home to provide for the sister he didn’t even know about six months ago.

Sometimes he acts more like a parent than he should. Julie doesn’t ask for much, she never really did. But it was easy for Steve to slowly fill the void that her mom left. Even if she didn’t realize she was doing it.

Her therapist has been working her through this. He was the first person who mentioned it, causing Julie to spiral. According to him, it was normal and not something that she had to change that much. Just had to realize that’s what was going on. And to make sure she wasn’t holding Steve to a standard that he couldn’t meet.

Steve wasn’t her mom. She knew that. But it was easy to mix the two up when he’s the one providing for her now. Julie didn’t want to ask for more than he could give. It seems like she might have already done that without even realizing it.

She gets up from the now partially deflated air mattress to head to the kitchen. Get a drink and try to calm her mind. One of the lamps is still on in the living room. Illuminating Steve and Eddie, still asleep. Tangled together.

Julie wants to respect Steve’s boundaries and not ask about it again. Or speculate it. But friends don’t fall asleep next to each other like this. Or act like Eddie did last night. Well, maybe Robin would have. It would have just felt more like a sibling relationship. Theirs’s didn’t. It had something more intimate to it. It was very obviously something more.

Steve just wasn’t ready, and she respected that. He just looked so at peace right now. Compared to the level of stress that he normally looked. Compared to last night. It was all gone right now. Started to dissipate as soon as Eddie got there.

Coming out and telling people about this isn’t easy. She knows that. Really knows it. For the past few weeks anyway. So, she knows that pushing them is a bad idea. Especially with the case and all of the uncertainties that surround their lives right now. Being hidden is sometimes better than being out. Definitely in this town.

With them though, with people they trust. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that it could work. They were able to share a bed here without anyone saying anything about it. And no one will say anything if they see them sharing it like this. It’s a known secret at this point.

Part of her is telling her that it’s only a secret because of her, though. Because she caused all the uncertainties of their life. It’s probably not true, but it’s how she feels.

El stirs when Julie goes back to the room. The air mattress squeaking when she sits on it.

“Julie,” El whispers in the dark, voice groggy.

“Sorry, went to get some water.”

El nods, propping herself up on her elbow when the air mattress squeaks again when Julie tries to sit down. “Did it deflate? It does that sometimes.”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“We could share my bed if you wanted to. Me and Max do it all the time, there is enough room.” El sits up, fixing the blankets.

Julie’s heartbeat picks up, she’s not sure why. It’s just El, they’re friends. Her and Mary would share a bed when they had sleepovers back in middle school. This is no different from that.

“Uh yeah, sure.”

El scoots over in the bed, making room for Julie. They lay down next to each other. El facing Julie, while Julie lies on her back. Trying not to feel El’s eyes on her. Julie forces her eyes closed and takes a deep breath, trying to feel normal about this. Because it is. This is totally normal. Why is she making this so weird?

“Can I ask you something? And you cannot be mad at me for asking it.” El asks, still whispering.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Julie really can’t explain why she’s so nervous by that question.

“Are Steve and Eddie dating?”

Julie turns her head towards El, taking a moment to realize how close they are. “They haven’t told me that they are.”

“But that does not mean they are not? They act like they are dating. Everyone keeps talking about it, it is not a secret. I think they work well together.” El stares at Julie in the dark, making her feel something but she’s not quite sure.

“Yeah, yeah I think they do too. If they are actually together. Like I said, they haven’t told me about it yet. But I do know Steve is seeing someone, just couldn’t tell me who it was. Said it was more complicated than it looked.” Julie can’t explain it, but the words keep pouring out of her mouth without her telling them to. She should have stopped speaking way before she did.

El smiles. “I like it when people from our group start dating. Max says it makes more problems, but I think it is sweet. How they found each other through all of the bad that happened.” She makes a face of realization. “Forget what I said, nothing bad happened. Just meeting each other like normal people do. In school. Yeah, we all met in school.”

“Something bad happened?”

If that’s true, a lot of things would start to make sense. Why Steve jumps every time the light flickers or there’s a loud thud. Sometimes when the thunder hits just right. Why Julie has woken up to what seems like a scream but gets told it was nothing the next morning. Why Eddie or Robin magically shows up in the mornings when they weren’t here the night before. Hovering over Steve, either with a scared look in their eye or checking to make sure he’s ok.

Some of the kids do it to. Have some scars that seem a bit too suspicious. More than just a normal injury.

The weird that has been happening in Hawkins these past four years replay in her mind. Connecting dots as fast as she can, trying to make connections. On the surface, there’s nothing there. Except for the fact that this was a peaceful town before four years ago. Each year continuing to get worse and worse. Until last spring scared out half the town’s population.

After what Julie saw that fourth of July, she knew that something was off. Witnessing people walk to their deaths, knowing that they didn’t go to the mall by choice. There was something weird with Hawkins. Maybe El knew about it too? Maybe they all knew about it?

“Well, yeah, there was an earthquake. And the mall fire before that. Bad things happened.” El turns her head, looking at the ceiling.

“I knew about that, obviously. But that’s not all that happened, right? I mean, none of the surrounding areas felt it, and if the ground cracked, they should have. And the fire, I saw some of the people going there that night.” It feels weird to admit that to someone else. But it gets El to turn her head and look at Julie again. “I couldn’t get them to stop moving.”

El’s brows knit together. “I did not know other people saw them go there.”

“It was really scary. I didn’t know until the next morning, but they were walking to their death. There were some people in the crowd that I knew, so I recognized their names when the missing person reports and the obituaries. No matter what I did, it was like they couldn’t hear me, and just kept walking. Like they were possessed.”

El reaches across the small gap between them and grabs Julie’s hand. Making Julie’s fingers feel colder than they were, as they suddenly fill with warmth. She squeezes Julie’s hand, holding it close. “There was more to that night. More that I cannot tell you. I wish I could, but you are better off not knowing. But I am so sorry that you saw a little bit that was happening. And very happy that it did not get to you too.”

“That what didn’t get to me?” Julie turns on her side, fully facing El.

“It is safer for you not to know. Please trust me. Friends don’t lie.”

There is a seriousness in El’s eyes that ages her five years. Suddenly turning her into a brave soldier, instead of just a kid. Julie’s eyes trace her face, reading the fear mixed with experience resting in her muscles. Molded instead of out of place. This isn’t a new expression for El. Somewhere, that breaks Julie.

“Ok, I believe you,” Julie says, ready to change the subject. To see that look melt off of El’s face, hoping to never see it again. Instead, she yawns.

“It is late, we should go to sleep. There is a lot you probably have to do tomorrow. Or today, what time is it?”

Julie shrugs, not wanting to turn to see the clock on the bedside table. “Didn’t look at it when I got up.”

El releases Julie’s hand, making it feel cold again. She pulls the sheets tight around her. “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Julie’s eyes stay open as El’s close, watching as she starts to fall asleep again. She eventually forces her eyes to close, tries to get sleep to come. It doesn’t. Not for a while at least.

There’s something weird with her, mixed with everything else she was already feeling that night. Part of her knows what it is, but she doesn’t want to admit it.

. . .

When Steve looks in the mirror the next morning, he has to relive the fact that the events of the previous night actually happened. That instead of just a normal night stayed at the Byers, it was because he was kicked out of his childhood home. Not because he left on his own accord. Even if he was the one to slam the door behind him.

Just because he was planning to leave, doesn’t mean he was planning to leave like this. With a nice bruise formed above his cheekbone and dried blood on his lip. Bags filled with the rest of his and Julie’s belongings in the living room. The rest in boxes scattered in different locations. Somethings still left behind. Things he’s never getting back.

His mind races to anything left in his car that could come back to bite him. It’s empty, for the most part. Steve knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep the car, it still had his dad’s name on it. It’s why he couldn’t sell it when he was saving up money. The trunk was empty, the baseball bat that would have certainly raised questions in another location. The glove compartment had nothing in it but snacks and a first aid kit. Normal things. The pictures on his sun visor were gone.

He was safe. Why didn’t he feel safe.

This feeling is something Steve knows more than he should. Adrenaline flooding his veins, making him be alert when he just needs to rest. Constricting his chest, making his breaths short and shallow. Counting in for four does nothing when he can only make it to two before his lungs feel like bursting. His muscles tense at every sound, every movement. Pulling him into the ready position. Ready for the next monster to burst through the wall.

There’s a knock at the door, making him jump. Chest thumping with the fast beat of his heart.

“Steve, sweetie,” Joyce’s voice comes through the door. “Breakfast is ready whenever you are.”

Somehow, that breaks Steve out of the spell he was in, realizing the white of his knuckles as they gripped the sink. He lets go, feeling relief. “Ok, I’ll be out in a second.”

He forces a deep breath into his lungs, shutting his eyes so he can’t see his reflection again. Things need to happen today. He needed to get things done today. The Byers are kind enough not to kick them out, but he can’t expect them to let them stay for more than a day or two.

Tomorrow Sarah is going to tell her higherups that they were kicked out. Let them decide if Julie needs to be moved again. Strip away the home that they’ve been building for the past few months. Making Steve have to start over all over again. He can’t start over again.

So these feelings, this churn in his stomach, they can’t stay. After the door closes behind him, so does the chest holding everything in. There will be a time where he can process all that happened, why he’s feeling like this. But now is not that time.

Maybe never will be the time.

When Steve sits down at the table, he’s hyperaware on the way he’s acting. Making sure his posture is the same as it always is. Unbothered, relaxed. When nothing is relaxed. He smiles at Joyce when she brings him a plate, thanking her. Makes conversation with them, greets Will when he gets back from Mike’s. Acts perfectly normal. To most of them at least.

Julie stares at him from a few spots down. Waiting for him to mention anything from the previous night. Eddie reaches under the table to squeeze his thigh, silently asking if he’s alright. Steve brushes it off, insisting that he’s fine.

Because he is fine, why wouldn’t he be?

After breakfast he makes some calls. Somehow, the papers were filed faster than he thought and he’s able to pick up the keys tomorrow morning. Just in time. He changes his contact information with a few places, making a mental note to do it at work his next shift.

Then, he just sits. Feeling unfamiliar in his body. Trying so hard to release the tension that feels sewn into his muscles. Wondering if he breathes deep enough, it will pressure his heart to stop jumping at every motion. Every sound. Stop his mind from racing between synapses without purpose. Snapping to snapshots of moments he’d rather not remember.

The face of his father as he yelled. The disappointment in his mother’s glare. The pain in both their smiles, perfectly molded for photographs. But one look in real life shows the cracks in their composure. They never smiled at him with true intentions, just to keep up the mask.

Memories he’s repressed all come flooding back. Screams of his parents fighting. Hands sore from how hard they clutch his knees to his chest. Hiding away, thinking that it would stop them. That if he went far enough away, he wouldn’t hear them anymore.

That was accomplished. He finally ran away. Somewhere not that far, but they won’t care enough to come find. He should be happy.

Every time Steve thinks that his parents don’t have any hold of him anymore, something happens. Smacks him just right across the face as a little reminder that he is nothing more than a product of them. Something for them to sculp into the perfect accessory. To look at but never really love.

It hurts. Scars on the outside are gruesome, but it is the ones lashed into his heart that sting. Dark in the night, when the silence creeps into his ears, reminding him of every wrong he’s ever done. Of the disappointment that he truly is.

Robin said something to him once that made him put things into perspective. Life is what changes people, makes them who they really are. It is the people that choose to stay that make the impact. The deciding factor. Back then, those words made him feel some sort of peace.

Now, it’s pulling him down to the same question that’s plagued his mind for years. Maybe his entire life. Why wasn’t he enough for them to stay?

Why is he enough for anyone to stay?

Sometime later, he’s not exactly sure, Eddie moves from beside him. Standing in front of Steve with his hand outstretched, waiting for him to take it.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s go for a walk.”

Steve takes it, gripping it harder than he should. The familiarity giving him some peace of mind. Making the train stop in its tracks for a moment. Before it starts moving again.

“Woods or street?” Eddie asks when they get outside.

“Woods,” Steve finds himself saying. He won’t have to let go of Eddie’s hand if they are in the woods.

Eddie nods, leading Steve around the house and into the woods. Walking forward without direction. The same way he walked straight into Steve’s heart. Nothing was planned, it just happened. Even when Steve does plan things, it doesn’t stop anything else from happening.

“You want to tell me what’s been keeping you in your head all day?”

Steve knows that he doesn’t mean it to be pushy, but the words come off that way. No matter how softly they are said. Steve just shakes his head no.

Eddie nods again, letting them walk in silence. Just keep walking.

So many things have happened in these woods. Fights, searches. Life. Growth. In some ways, everything started here for Steve. One event that took place in these woods changing the course of his life forever. For the better, he says most of the time. But was it really for the better?

If it weren’t for monsters lurking in these woods, Steve would be the person he was four years ago. Young and stupid. Not knowing much about the world around him, but that didn’t matter. His brain was healthy, his ears worked right, and his eyesight wasn’t as blurry. His mind was anxious about normal things, like college, and grades, rather than something lurking the dark ready to kill him. Take the people he loves away from him. It never happened directly to him, yet he still feared it.

His torso wasn’t littered with scars that made him wince when he looked at himself in the mirror. There wouldn’t be a scar around his neck that made people do a double take. Blood wouldn’t rush at the flickers of lights and clashes of thunder. He would be able to enjoy looking at fireworks again, or a roaring campfire.

Life would be simpler. It would be different. Maybe then, he would have gotten into college. Made his dad proud for once. Be on the path to greatness just like he was supposed to. With a sports scholarship under his belt that he didn’t really need, but it didn’t hurt.

Maybe then he would have finally been enough.

A tear rolls down Steve’s cheek without him realizing it. Years of unprocessed trauma resting behind the gates. No matter how many tears were shed, it’s never enough to heal the wounds. All of his wounds.

At the end of all of it, Steve’s tired. Tired of the what ifs and endless possibilities. Tired of fighting with everything including his own thoughts. Beating back self-deprecation until it fights back enough to knock him out for a while. Wondering what life could have been if he walked away when he had the chance. He’s the only one who was ever really given that chance.

The kids lost their friend, so did Nancy. Joyce lost a son. Jonathan lost a brother. Hopper had a job to do. Max, even if she had a choice in the beginning, would have always been wrapped up into this because of Billy. Robin just wanted to help Steve and Dustin solve a puzzle. Eddie saw people die before his eyes. El was made for this.

Steve, he had a choice to make. Leave or go back into the house and fight for something that was worth it. Somehow, Steve always ends up fighting. Did he really want to this time? The damage was done, he didn’t want their money. What was the point of all of this really? To settle some score? Prove who the bigger man was?

Eddie stops them when they get to a small clearing, pulling Steve into a hug. Holding him close with a deep breath, making Steve do the same.

“I don’t know what your head’s been telling you, but you should know it’s not true. Whatever it is.”

Steve sighs. “I’m just so tired. I don’t even know why I’m fighting with them anymore.”

There’s a rustle a few feet away, paired with whispered swears. Robin comes into view, half tripping over a stray branch. “You guys really had to go wandering through the woods with nothing to communicate with. And you couldn’t have waited for me to get there first.”

Steve snorts. “I didn’t even know you were coming over.”

She walks over to them. “Yeah well, when your best friend gets kicked out, says he’ll call you the next morning, and then doesn’t, you start to worry. Your head being a bitch to you again?”

“Sort of.”

“Alright then, make room for me in this hug. Don’t make it weird, please.” She forces her way underneath Steve and Eddie’s arms to hug the both of them. Making a sort of triangle. Steve’s suddenly really glad that she’s here.

A breath releases from Steve. One filled with relief. Finally releasing the band around his chest. More tears sneak out of his eyes as his body finally relaxes. The adrenaline fading, reality sinking in. Weight returning to where it rests on his shoulders. The expected freedom is nowhere to be seen.

The reality is crushing him.

A choked sob causes Eddie and Robin to hold him tighter. As tight as they can in this configuration. Steve doesn’t know what he did to deserve these two. Doesn’t know how he got them to stay. But as everything came crashing down around him, they’re still here. He has barely anything to his name. Just a small house with a large loan, a shitty retail job, and a whole bunch of traumas that follows him around. But instead of running, they’re still here. They stayed with him.

Somehow, Steve is now on the ground. Wiping away tears as Robin rubs his back. As Eddie holds his hand. He feels the need to apologize but knows that they’ll yell at him for it. Still, the words rest on his tongue. But he stays silent, focusing on his breathing. Calming himself down.

“Feel better?” Robin asks softly. “It looked like the floodgates were pushed open.”

Steve lets out a wet laugh. “They kind of did. I think everything just came out at once.”

“Yeah, well, you went through a lot yesterday.” Eddie rakes a hand through Steve’s hair, getting it out of his face. “It has to come out somehow.”

Robin makes a small gasp. Probably finally seeing Steve’s face unobstructed. She looks towards Eddie, getting confirmation with a small nod. “Is there anything you wanted to talk about in particular, or none of it at all? Want me to tell you about something random just so your mind can shut up?”

“I feel.” Steve pauses to find the words. “I feel like I’m always fighting. Whether it’s the upside down shit, or myself, or my parents, it’s always a fight. I kind of just want to stop it all. And this case, it’s solid but is it worth it if I’m just going to feel like shit all over again?”

“This was always because you wanted to do it, but if you don’t want to do it anymore, you don’t have to,” Robin assures.

Steve picks at the grass. “I don’t know anymore.”

“You can always think about it. There’s time to back out of this, the court date hasn’t even been set yet.” Eddie shifts to sit next to Steve, wrapping an arm around his back.

Robin sits on the other side of him, leaning against his side. “Yeah. Fight, no fight. You still got us to go through it with you. Just take one step at a time.”

“My next step is finding beds for us to sleep in. I get the keys tomorrow and we need to move in kind of immediately.”

“Trip to the thrift store,” Robin gasps. “I love the thrift store.”

“Which one, the one on Mulberry next to the Laundromat or center of town?” Eddie asks.

Robin fake gags. “Not the one on Mulberry, the owner creeps me out. The one in the center of town, it has really good stuff.”

“Yeah, only after you search for four hours,” Steve snorts. “How long did it take you to find, ‘the right sweater,’” he mimics.

“That’s irrelevant. Seriously though, are we going? It might not have the best stuff, but you won’t be sleeping on air mattresses.”

“Maybe in a bit. I just want to sit here for a while longer.”

Eddie presses a kiss to the side of Steve’s head. “As long as you need.”

Steve kind of wishes that they could stay there for the rest of the day. Hidden from the rest of the world by the trees, listening to the calmness around them. But he has things to do. He doesn’t have to do them alone this time.

. . .

The next morning, Steve and Eddie are gone when Julie wakes up. Joyce says they have to go pick up some things and will be back around lunchtime. When they come back, everyone gets into their cars to go pick up some boxes. Boxes from the Byers’, Henderson’s, Munson’s and Buckley’s all being loaded into cars and brought over to the knew house.

Their new house.

Julie sees all the madness happening around her, as the boxes get brought and placed on the mismatched furniture Steve scrambled to get yesterday and this morning. Wondering if moving is always like this. Bare walls and empty rooms. Nothing but belongings packed in boxes and empty dressers, cabinets, drawers. All waiting to be filled. Waiting for a house to be made into a home.

Moving was something Julie never experienced until a year ago. And it wasn’t happy then. Just a reminder that she had to leave the place she grew up in without a choice. Without the person who always made her feel safe. It was all stripped away too soon.

Then the next place that gave her a bed to sleep in was terrible. Making sleeping on a park bench in the cold much better than sleeping in a bed. Until Steve offered for her to stay, and she took it. Finding something that could resemble the home she once knew. It was close, but never just quite right.

This place, it was everything that her mom ever wanted. The purpose of fruitless savings jars. Counting every penny from tips and saving everything that they didn’t need for bills. Only for it to get lost anyway, either from her mom’s vices or her boyfriend stealing it all.

But here, now, it’s almost like Julie can still feel her mom’s presence in this house. Feel a presence watching her every move. Smiling as the room slowly becomes hers. As this place becomes Julie’s knew home. It doesn’t feel so empty anymore.

Maybe this is how it’s always going to be from now on. The little twinge in her heart making her think of her mom. See her in all the little things around her. Making it all feel bittersweet. She’s still here, even if it’s not in the same house they lived in. Even if she isn’t here anymore. Julie will always have her mom.

Unpacking is chaotic. There’re too many people and everyone keeps putting things away without asking where either of them wants them. Just to get them out of the boxes. That won’t make it easier when they have to rearrange everything later. But things are better sitting inside of cabinets so they can use the counters to place more boxes. Things have to move so they don’t get stuck.

Luckily for her, Julie can just focus on her room. Steve found an old bedframe at a thrift store that got set up in her room and an old dresser that squeaks when you open the drawers, if they open at all. It’s fine for now, and it can be fixed. A lot of these things can be fixed. The only new thing in her room is the mattress, because apparently Robin insisted that they get a new one because of all the bugs that can live in there.

El’s there helping her unpack. Brought a few things for some decorations too since Julie lost some of the decorations in her room. For the second time now. But now there’s some photos on the wall of the group together, and a few movie and band posters. It’s not quite right yet, but it’s getting there.

A few hours later, the Byers’ leave, and Steve and Eddie go get some pizza. Leaving Julie and Robin to unpack the last of the boxes and set up a folding table and some chairs for them to eat on.

“Could I ask you a weird question?” There’s been something gnawing in Julie’s mind for a few days now, making her feel weird. Something she really doesn’t know how to put into words or ask Steve about. But Robin would know.

“Yeah sure,” Robin says while snapping open a folding chair.

Julie picks at the skin around her thumbs. “How did you know you were a lesbian? Like, that you liked girls?”

Robin freezes in shock, before relaxing with a small smile. “I’d say this is a couch kind of conversation, but we don’t have one yet, so how about the floor?”

“Floor’s fine.”

They sit down in the makeshift pile of pillows and blankets that’s acting as a couch. Julie staring down at her hands, nervous. She’s been feeling weird for a while now, and kind of knows why. But there are questions she can’t answer. Feelings she doesn’t want to believe are true.

“So, to answer your question, I think a part of me always knew I liked girls. When I was really young, I might have not realized that is what it was. And when all the other girls were talking about their crushes in elementary and middle school, I would just think they were so weird because boys were gross. I didn’t like boys the way that they liked boys. It wasn’t until middle school that I realized that I thought about girls the way other girls thought about boys.”

“Oh,” is all Julie can say.

Robin nods. “Yeah, that’s kinda when all the pieces clicked into place. After that, it was the denial and the trying to get it away. Act like everyone else did. But it never went away. I kept getting crushes on girls and was a total mess around them. Over time, I accepted it. Embraced it. As much as I could in this town. Now, I’m really proud of the person I am and have an amazing girlfriend. It’s who I am.”

“And you never felt weird about any of it? Like, something was different, and you just couldn’t figure out what it was.”

She remembers the feeling that she had two nights ago. When her and El talked in the middle of the night. How things just kept happening, and she felt so weird. Something was off.

Some of the things Robin said were true. Julie never really had a crush on any boys. On anyone, really. Sometimes, she would lie and just say she had a crush on a random guy in her class. Just to fake normalcy. When really, none of the boys ever caught her eye. What did, she never said aloud.

But it was a trend that she couldn’t ignore anymore. How girls would walk down the hall and Julie would find herself turning her head. Lying and just saying she liked their outfit. It wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t exactly the truth. And then there would be the continuous thoughts of someone in her class that would never go away. No matter how hard she tried. And she tried. So hard.

Julie was already the daughter of a single mother that drank her problems instead of dealing with them. No father, no money, nothing. She didn’t need to be the weird kid that liked girls too. So she wasn’t. Until she was.

The pieces clicked, just like Robin said they did. They did a while ago. But like a lot of things, Julie pushed them away to be dealt with later. There was so much more to worry about. Get angry about. She didn’t need to get angry at herself too.

Looking back now, Julie did have crushes. Ones that didn’t make much sense in her young mind, or ones that she just shoved off thinking it was jealousy. It was easier to pretend it didn’t exist rather than face the music. But when asked if she had a crush on someone, it was always a girl’s name that rested on the tip of her tongue that she swallowed down and forgot.

Robin lets out a small laugh. “All the damn time. I think mainly before I accepted it all.” After a break of silence, Robin asks, “Are you feeling a bit weird?”

Julie nods, pulling her knees close to her chest. “For a while now. But my life was so full of so many other things that it was easy for me to ignore it. It’s not so easy to ignore anymore.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Robin sighs.

“And I just,” Julie struggles to find the words. “If what I’m feeling is what I think it is, I just don’t want to screw up what I have.”

Robin takes a deep breath. “Did Steve ever tell you how we became friends?”

Julie shakes her head.

“Well, the story is really long and complicated, and there’s things that I can’t really share. But the short of it all is that we worked together at an ice cream shop called Scoops Ahoy back when the mall was still standing.”

“I remember that place, those outfits were terrible.”

Robin laughs. “Yeah, they were. But that’s how we met. We really became friends while hiding out in a bathroom and I told him I had a crush on a girl named Tammy Thompson. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t know how he was going to react, especially since it was also a rejection. But he took it like a champ and made me feel comfortable with someone knowing this big secret I’ve kept for years. And now he’s my best friend, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“Was it hard?”

“It was and it wasn’t. Telling anyone in this town about being queer is hard, because you don’t really know how they’re going to react. Hell, most of the town has Reagan signs out on their lawns. So that made it hard. But it was also really easy. The thing about Steve is he’s really caring and accepting about the people he cares about. He wasn’t always, at least it didn’t seem like it. But somehow, he grew up and became the person we both know and love. He might joke and be bitchy sometimes, but deep down, he cares more than he’d like to admit.”

Julie smiles. “Yeah, I know.”

“There were a few other people that were easy to tell too,” Robin continues. “Eddie, obviously. You and Dustin in the car. And Nancy, which was harder for a different reason.”

Julie stays quiet, patiently listening.

“It was different with Nancy because I had the worst, biggest, ginormous crush on her when I told her. I needed to know that she was ok with this part of me before I could even think of telling her about it. It was just as scary as you think it was. But after those words left my mouth, Nancy just smiled and gave me a hug, and the biggest weight was off my chest. Few months later, I had the courage to tell her how I really felt, and then we started dating.”

“You guys were friends before you started dating right?”

Robin nods. “I was so scared that she wouldn’t like me back, and I would ruin everything.”

Julie nods, letting the words sink in. She’s not alone in this. “I’m kind of there right now, I think. Actually, I’m not really sure. Just. Something happened and it made me feel really weird, but I can’t tell if it’s because of the other things happening in my life or if it is a crush.”

“And this crush, if that is what it is, is that about a girl?” Robin asks softly. “You don’t have to tell me, of course. Only if you want to.”

She takes a second before nodding. “Yeah,” Julie whispers. “Yeah, it’s about a girl.”

Saying it out loud makes it all real. Heart dropping to her stomach as her breathing increases. This was real. She was like this. Nerves fill her, making her want to cry. Some part out of relief, the rest out of panic. There was no coming back from it now.

Robin notices her change in demeanor, scooting closer and placing a hand on Julie’s shoulder.

“Fuck,” Julie whispers into her knees.

“Yeah, that’s kind of how it went for me too.”

Tears start to well up in Julie’s eyes. Today’s already been a lot, now this. She feels arms wrap around her, holding her together. If Robin can do this, like girls and be happy, Julie can too. It’s just so much right now.

The keys jingle in the door before it creaks open. Julie pulls her head out of her knees and wipes her eyes. Robin shifts a little away from her. Both of them trying to act normal.

“Pizza’s here,” Steve says as he places it on the makeshift kitchen table. He looks at Julie, before turning his head to Robin. Julie doesn’t know what she does, but Steve just nods and doesn’t say anything.

That night, Julie sleeps in her new room. The unfamiliarity of it all freaking her out a bit. She’ll get used to it eventually.

The confession from earlier still weighs in her mind. Only one face finding her mind when she closes her eyes.

. . .

March 1986

In the middle of the night, the trailer starts rattling. Glasses clanking together in the kitchen, books falling off of Julie’s shelves. A large clash comes from the living room, followed by a string of loud swears. Julie jumps out of bed, stumbling down the hall. The floor shaking beneath her feet.

This has never happened before. Sure, the trailer sometimes shook during a thunderstorm. But never like this. This was so different.

“Mom,” she calls out.

Her mom stands from the floor. “Stay right there. Don’t move.”

Julie looks at the kitchen, glass covering the floor. The living room is a mess, tv lying flat on the floor, decorations fallen off of tables and shelves. Rebecca pulls Julie into the bathroom, holding her under the doorway.

“What’s going on?” Julie asks frantically.

“I don’t know,” her mom responds. Trying to stay calm but the fear can’t be hidden in her words.

Just as it started, everything stops. An eerie silence fills the trailer for a few minutes. Until doors start to open, and screams come from outside. Rebecca grabs a flashlight and puts on her shoes.

“Stay in here ok, we don’t know what’s going on outside.” She leaves Julie alone in the trailer.

Julie’s heart thumps in her chest as she tries to control her breathing. What just happened? An earthquake? There were almost never earthquakes here. And if there were, it was just the remnants of one from farther away. What could have shaken the trailer so hard it forced cabinets open and made a mess of the floor.

Stepping carefully, Julie heads to the front door to put on her shoes. So, she doesn’t accidentally step on some glass. Stepping on the couch, she opens the window to look outside. Gasping at the scene in front of her.

The earth was split in a mound of broken gravel and dirt that seemed to spread for miles. Trailers split in two, dead being pulled out of the rubble. People frantically rushing around, trying to grab what they can and help who needs it. Sirens blare in the distance, some speeding right past the trailer park, some pulling in. Ambulances filled one after the other and more pass in both directions on the main street.

Julie opens the door and steps on to the creaky porch. More of the boards broken than normal.

“Max,” Mrs. Mayfield screams into the night. “Max, where are you?”

Julie sees her mom run over to her. “Susan. Susan, calm down.”

“I don’t know where she is.”

Julie hasn’t seen Max in days. Having left with some friends to hang out with over the break. She hasn’t been here. Unless she was part of the group that stole that RV. Julie could have sworn it was her.

Rebecca brings Susan into the house, ushering Julie back inside. Somehow makes some tea in the kitchen. Using one of the few mugs that don’t have cracks in them. Trying to keep calm away from the chaos happening outside.

In the morning, the news stories flood in. Streets split down the middle with destruction. Half of the houses pristine while the others are unrecognizable. All meeting at the town hall, marking the town with an “X”. Warning all who enter.

Then the people start to leave. Those without homes, those with. All packing up their minivans and cars with what they deem most important. Leaving the rest to be labeled as abandoned. The high school becomes a shelter. Full of donations and people the hospital doesn’t have a bed for.

Explanations are given but they don’t answer questions. People are found while others stay missing. First responders search through rubble, slowly crossing names off a list. The graveyards get their new residents by the dozen.

Hawkins becomes something of a ghost town.

Tag list(let me know if you want to be added or removed): @homoerotictangerine, @mugloversonly, @thesuninyaface, @imyelenasexual, @anaibis, @ilovecupcakesandtea, @brainsteddielyrotted, @jackiemonroe5512, @eddie-munsons-missing-nipple, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @cinnamon-mushroomabomination, @lolawonsstuff, @writingandmushroomdragons, @stevesbipanic, @sierra-violet, @steddie-as-they-go, @dauntlessdiva, @mousedetective, @the-daydreamer-in-the-corner, @zombiethingy, @connected-dots-st-reblogger, @that-agender-from-pluto, @allyricas, @cheddartreets, @devondespresso, @crypticcorvidinacottage, @queenie-ofthe-void @chronicpainstevetruther,

#stranger things #stranger things au #steve harrington #eddie munson #robin buckley #julie lawson #el hopper #joyce byers #steddie #long lost/secret sibling #secret sibling au #i don't know which ways home fic

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magnolix · 2 years

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kimetsu no yaiba | tengen x y/n

tw: MDNI!, smut, nudity, cursing, lots of bullet points, Tengen is a bit of an ass, afab! reader, hashira!reader, fluff to smut, mentions of trauma

prompt: Why is the idea of getting in a fight with Tengen when first meeting him so cute to me??😅💚💚

synopsis: I got inspired by my first comment so here's how I think the rest of Tengen and y/n's first meeting would have gone. (PS, I've never done smut before)

when you first joined, you were known for your beautiful h/c and graceful fighting style

everyone who had survived final selection with you all let you have your first choice of ore as well

you were like a big sister

months then went by as you went on mission after mission

you decorated your crow with a tiny little vest

his name was Atsushi, it meant "cordial one"

eventually, after 3 years, you made it to the top of the ranks

you're now the wisteria pillar

your breathing style (wisteria breathing) comes from the wind breathing style

this has its perks as demons don't bother you as much

but it's been difficult getting to your rank because it's hard to track down demons

when you finally became a pillar you had enough trauma to put a therapist into retirement, however, the pay is what made you go to your first meeting

"My children, as you know we have a new member joining your ranks. I would like you to meet Y/n L/n, the Wisteria Hashira."

You could hear Sanemi groan as you received your introduction. As the master went on, you couldn't help but feel a pair of beautiful fuchsia eyes on you. You looked over but the culprit had turned their head too fast. Strange, you thought, I wonder who it was.

By the time the meeting finished, you were already plotting ways of explaining to the master how you could leave, however, a tall glass of water had stepped into your way.

"So, you're L/n, huh?" He said almost as if he were superior to you. "No, I'm the sun goddess." You shot back making him raise his eyebrows. "You should know better than to talk back to me, I've been here longer-" You snapped and drew your katana, however, he was faster.

Your katana was a beautiful mix of matte black and purple with a hilt looking similar to an open lotus. His was two giant swords with large half-circle holes towards the hilt which were currently being used to hold your sword in place.

His grin spread wide across his lips, he looked like a crazed lion. His deep Fushia eyes burned brightly as you two struggled for a sense of silent dominance. He almost looked like he was getting turned on.

Eventually, Sanemi and Gyomei came by and broke you two apart. Tengen walked off with the boys as you walked off on your own. You made your way to the kakushi who directed you to the master's onsen.

The night air was crisp and helped you relax after your confrontation with your future coworker. And with nothing else to do till tomorrow, you took your sweet damn time in the springs. That was until you heard heavy, wet footsteps make their way over to you.

"What's this? The little wisteria hashira all on her own? That's dangerous you know." Tengen said in a playful tone as you heard him drop his towel. "Mind if I join you?"

"Might as well." You said as you scooted over for him to step in. Instead, you saw his shadow leap up before he jumped into the onsen. A wave of hot water washed over you getting your h/c all wet. It stuck to your body and agitated you as you tried to push it away.

You felt the sound pillar's eyes land on you again. The water wasn't the clearest thing in the world, but it was definitely able to display your features to him. You could almost hear him growl from the other side of the baths.

You knew you shouldn't have, you probably should have just gotten out and left, but part of you wanted to test your luck.

You lifted up your arms in order to fix your hair into a bun, along the way, giving him a full view of your bare chest. The way your breasts bounced in circles as you worked with your hair made his eyes bludge. And then you turned around to grab your towel. Your back and anything below looked like heaven to the sound hashira.

You kept your back to him for a little longer and you properly dried your hair. As you did, you could hear him get up and make his way over to you, you could feel him press his hips into your ass, he was hard as a rock. His musk along with the night air cascaded down your back making you shiver and let out a shaky breath.

You could feel his hands place themselves on your hips as you heard him whisper something into your ear, you nodded and suddenly you felt him rocking you. Grinding into your behind as he spoke of sweet nothings and made you even wetter down there.

"Such a minx," he cooed "you should know better than to show off like that..." He kissed your neck and squeezed his waist as he continued to grind into you. Eventually, he lifted you up and sat you on his lap as he submerged himself halfway back into the water.

You squeezed your thighs against his own hips and somehow had the courage to buck into him. That was a mistake. He stopped grinding and took your chin into his hand and squeezed.

"No no no, little flower, not until I say so." You whined as he used his hand to stroke your pretty little face. And as your cunt continued to grow wetter and wetter, you put your hands on his chest and looked at him submissively. You could tell you had gotten to him as you felt his shaft prod against your bare folds.

"Does little flower want daddy to fuck her? Hmm?" He asked like a master would to a puppy. You nodded as he gently grasped you by the hips and lowered you onto his cock.

You were tight. Oh so tight around him, and both of you knew it. He gritted his teeth as you adjusted to his giant size. He felt incredible, he felt like a god.

You moaned into the night as slowly he started to move you up and down his length effortlessly with just his hands. You attempted to cling onto his chest but instead wrapped your arms around his neck.

You felt his pace quicken as you two enjoyed each other's movements. Occasionally, he would bump his leg making you go even further down his member. You cried out making his smirk.

"Are you getting close, little flower?" "Y-yes-"

You could feel your insides getting tighter and tighter as your body started to fail. You threw your head back and squeezed your eyes shut as you felt your stomach burn.

"Cum for me, flower~" You heard him say as a second later something warm swirled around in her belly. It felt amazing. You laid your head against his wide chest and caught your breath as he gently rubbed your back and told you how amazing it was.

"Such a good girl for me." "So pretty." "You were wonderful." "The sounds you made were gorgeous."

As you finally caught up with yourself, the two of you eventually got out of the bath and made your way to the room you were staying in for the night. Before you closed the door, Tengen took your hand, kissed it, and gently licked one of your knuckles.

"See you tomorrow, little flower~"

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femmefatalevibe · 11 months

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hi femme, how are you? <3

i am currently 18, and probably experiencing some growing pains but i don’t know what to do… i’m too attached and dependent on my mum. my mum is my best friend, i feel like my child self when i was scared to be away from my parents i feel kinda empty if i’m not around my mum and i’m scared that i’ll have to be surrounded by other people who are not my mum because i love her so much but i don’t want to burden her or be desperate, i feel like my mum is getting tired of me and it hurts. i also feel bad because she is always there for me and i don’t want everything to just be about me, i want her to also rely on me, instead i feel like i’m so codependent and attached to my mother and i feel like i’m annoying. i don’t know how to express myself in a way that doesn’t seem clingy and i can’t explain it either like she’s my mother most people do everything they can to get away from their parents but i love her so much and i don’t want to be away from her for long and i wish that i could be always with her for the rest of my life. unfortunately i am moving out of home in september, and going abroad and i know she has her own life but all i feel is like that 5 year old child how loves and is pretty much physically and emotionally attached to her mother, like those kinds who hold onto their parents legs in public because they are too scared to be apart from them and don’t want to be around anyone else… this is probably pathetic but i just need some advice because i feel like this is probably excessive and i hate feeling empty whenever i am not with her…

thank you <333

Hi love! Fortunately, you're still young and self-aware of the codependency issue before you've gone off to live on your own. Moving abroad is intimidating if not scary for anyone your age, so that makes complete sense! While I'm by no means a therapist or licensed health professional/psychologist (someone you should probably speak to about this), here's my take and some advice I can offer on the situation:

First off, I would say that, at 18, you should have your own schedule and activities you do independently of your mom and family every day. Some ideas include:

Spending your morning alone reading, working out, having coffee/breakfast, journaling

Taking a walk/going to a workout class/lunch with a friend

Getting a part-time job or remote internship over the summer to learn some practical skills and how to work independently in the "real world"

Make your own decisions regarding most meals of the day (I know a lot of families have dinner together if everyone lives at home), when to go shopping/when to run errands or do chores

Some other suggestions I have include:

Schedule a set time of day or dates throughout the week to connect with your mom. Have a standing catch-up time either at the end of the day or for a weekend brunch, a weekly dinner out just the two of you, etc.

Take time to reflect on your personal values and the person you want to become as you begin this new chapter of your life. How would you describe your independent identity outside of your mom & family? What are your ultimate life/career aspirations? What do you plan on studying in school? What are your likes and dislikes, favorite activities/fields of study? What does your ideal social circle and social life look like? How would you describe your personal style, food preferences, lifestyle habits, decor setup, favorite books, music, and TV shows? What character traits and qualities would you use to describe your personality?

Consider healthy boundaries you can set to support your well-being. If you know that your over-reliance on your mom is an issue, speak to her about how you're aware that you're very dependent on her, appreciate her time and efforts (while this is her job as a parent – don't feel guilty about your mom providing healthy emotional and instrument support), you know that it is best for both of you to define some boundaries as you're growing and moving away. Some potential boundaries to set are how often you two hang out throughout the day (I need time and space between X hour and X hour in the morning & evenings), certain tasks you want to complete independently, and specific activities you decide to do with friends or alone throughout the week.

Join a club, team, or organization that allows you to socialize with university-aged peers, so you can develop more healthy interpersonal and social skills with people outside your family. Hopefully, a couple of them become your friends in the process!

Read some books on self-discovery, confidence-building, and other life skills/traumas you're healing from. I recommend Lighter: Let Go of the Past, Connect with the Present, and Expand the Future and Confidence & Assertive Skills for Women: How to become a Strong, Independent, Confident Woman in the Modern World come to mind. Maybe also try a self-discovery/shadow work journal as a self-learning and identity/confidence-building practice.

Hope this helps xx

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steveisagay · 11 months

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How to fix the damage

Disabled munver

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 6.5 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Disabled Munver has taken over my life and I decided to write. I'm gonna do my best to do multiple parts and all of that happy bullshit.

Warnings: self-deprication, internalized homophobia, suicidal thoughts (you blink you miss it), not proof read so I have no idea what else

He couldn't even comprehend how much his life was falling apart, but he knew for sure it already did. Jason was dead one minute and waking up in the hospital the next. His girlfriend was murdered, but instead of it being the metalhead he was tracking down it was some other vessel apparently. He was in the hospital which sure sucked. But what was the worst was the fact that he was now paralyzed from the waist down. His parents told him that he was 'blessed' and how 'lucky he was to get out with such a small injury' but how was this small?

He lost everything, he couldn't play basketball, he lost a full ride scholarship, and he couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. It did get slightly worse though, because Eddie was also in his hospital room. He wasn't visiting, his injuries were too bad for him to get off that easily, the two boys had to share the room. He would've thrown a fit about it if Eddie hadn't been so honest about the upside down and what happened to Chrissy. He also maybe was a kinda good storyteller.

His kids, well not his kids but the ones that visited, were somewhat nice. Although he had a feeling that the curly haired one didn't like him at all, and he knew for sure Lucas didn't forgive him for getting in his way. Jason could never forgive himself for all of everything that happened. It had to be his fault that it started, Chrissy started to grow distant and he should've said something but he didn't want to drive her away. Maybe it really was all his fault. Maybe he was being punished by God, for being a somewhat shitty boyfriend, for being...

That part wasn't true, he wasn't one of them. He wasn't like Eddie or, apparently, Billy. He dated Chrissy, he loved Chrissy. He'd be lying if he didn't say that Eddie was nice, and funny, and amazing with kids. Jason's parents asked him if he needed his own room but after hearing about the Upside Down and hearing how Eddie fought those bats he didn't want to leave. Eddie knew what he was doing incase something else happened and he couldn't really defend himself, you know, with his legs. Hell it'd be better if they just got ripped off, instead of him being ripped in half.

His stitches hurt like hell most days, but atleast he could still feel that area. With how stressed he was recently he didn't even know if he could, well, get off, properly. Everything always ached and himself and his parents refused to have him put on a morphine drip, so instead he was on 15 different medications. He wasn't allowed to keep any of his medicine on him while in the hospital per his therapist's request.

Jason had been going to physical therapy as well as normal therapy. His regular therapist, Dr. Linda, said that he had signs of depression, PTSD and anxiety. She also said that he should try to be less cynical. He wanted to say that she should try to be less optimistic. Most of their sessions were talking about his childhood, getting ripped in half, his (former) girlfriend, faith. Physical therapy was different though, it never helped the way he saw it. If it was really helping then he would have been able to walk by now.

The only thing that really kept him from hiding all of his pills everyday was Eddie, mostly. The only thing that kept him from clawing his skin until he couldn't anymore. He was always so bright whenever he got visitors, but Jason saw how exhausted he looked when everyone was gone. Jason and Eddie got closer than they would have ever guessed before all of this. Eddie saw Jason crying and unable to do almost anything without someone else, and Jason saw Eddie drained from a whole day of putting on a fake face.

A little while Jason's parents stopped showing up, and a little bit after that he learned that they left again. It didn't really hurt, it was just how it was, sure his parents were affectionate but that's just when they were home. His dad was a businessman and of course that was what he was supposed to be but... Nevermind it was stupid.

Jason was supposed to be sleeping, and if it wasn't for the lulling sound of Eddie's snores and the air being forced into his lungs he would've kept worrying. Jason had been worrying all of his life, but maybe he was fine getting some rest. It's not like his medication gave him any choice.

#eddie munson #jason carver #disabled munver #munver #munver fic #tigerfreak #eddie x jason #jason x eddie

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ticklishsubbyjamie · 1 month

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TRIGGER WARNING - CONTAINS VERY PERSONAL AND VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS SUCH AS SEVERE DEPRESSION AND TRAUMA, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

This is the real me, these are my true everyday thoughts.

The last thing I ever want to do is trauma dump anyone, but I need to release my pent up emotions somewhere. Please take the warning above seriously if this type of stuff makes you uncomfortable. I'm going on a sad and angry rant purely about local people i know in real life, NOT about anyone i talk to on tumblr, I genuinely love you. There will be very aggresive language. I'm posting this because this blog is my safe space and frankly i need somewhere to say what i'm about to say without paying for therapy.

I'm trying my best. I really am. It may not look it but i am. Me eating even 100 calories in a day, or waking up in the morning, is the best i have to give right now.

I am so far gone i don't even understand what's happening. I'm so fucking tired of life and don't know how much i can take anymore.

Tired of life-or-death level family trauma. I love them with all my heart and eternally grateful for the good they've provided to me, but can't ignore the bad either. They have ripped me apart, between being the golden child who's supposed to become a doctor and save the family, to the marriage counsellor/therapist for my parents, the lighting rod for my older brothers countless reckless idiotic actions, the suicide threats from family and friends and tearing myself apart trying to keep them alive, I can't take it anymore.

Tired of feeling hopeless, tired of feeling insecure about being 23 and still not having any sexual experience whatsoever because my attention was on my family and grades instead of living my life. Tired of watching the girls i fall so deeply in love in end up dating my closest friends it's fucking torture. It's pure fucking torture. I'm tired of telling people how i feel about still being single and told that being single is the best as if it isn't the most invalidating thing they could possibly say. Try never having any experience for your whole life, including never having your first kiss and tell me how you feel watching all your friends talk about their love lives, or having to watch it everyday knowing that it's something you'll never have.

Tired of walking around dead inside, tired of wearing a fake smike until i come home and crumble apart and pick myself back up the next morning to make it through the day, tired of losing interest in activities i used to be passionate about, tired of pretending like everything is ok, tired of constant doubt, tired of feeling the most depressed on christmas, new years, my birthday, pretty much any day that should be celebratory. Tired of the fact that everything i try to be happy doesn't work. I tried to gym consistently for 4 months, healthy diet, full time job, take care of myself, i can't anymore.

Graduating college very soon and all i can think about is how i became a shell of myself in those 4 years when i always dreamed about how college would be the place where i'd become the most happy and free. Instead it was disappointment and constant heart break over and over, from a straight A student aspiring to become a doctor to just trying to stay alive wondering what's the point...

I'm still trying my best

#personal

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clementine-writes-things · 15 days

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Personal Narrative

Hey guys, I just finished my personal narrative for my English class. It's only the first draft and I will be revising it in the future, but I thought I would share it with you guys <3 I'm very proud of it. The topic I chose was about my autism, how my life was like being undiagnosed, and then after being diagnosed. Word count maximum was 2000 so you know I had to make it 1996 haha. I wish the word count was higher though because it caused me to keep things short and to the point :( Anyways, read if you want to! <3

Autism: Ineffable

If you were to describe your life in a few words, what would you say? More than likely, you would find this difficult. How can one person fit their entire journey in life so far into mere words? Days, months, years, decades of self-exploration, all shrunk down to miniscule letters. However, I’ve known the answer for quite some time. Lachrymose melancholic euphoria. What may sound like a jumble of fancy words to you, sounds like every day to me. There is a vast difference between each of those words, contradicting the one before it. It's absurd, really, using those words to define your entire life up to this point. But, what else can you say when there is nothing better to use? When I was 15 years old, I loved those three words. Each one of them invoked a feeling within me, indescribable and foreign. I felt attached to the trio, almost as if they were truly apart of me. Undoubtedly, I was correct. Those words become inescapable when you live with autism.

When I reflect on my life, I find myself remembering small things. Things that seem unimportant and dismissible. Perhaps I try to cherish the nostalgic feeling of naïve innocence. But, below the bandage of nostalgia is a festering and rotting wound that reopens every time I go looking. A childhood that should have been full of pure joy and love was instead overflowing with confusion, dread, and a sense of unbelonging. Why should a child at the gentle age of 7 have to worry about being a ‘normal’ kid? It’s unfair and disappointing to expect a child to try to fit into the standards of society. I felt like something was wrong with me and I didn’t know what. My parents must have thought this too because they had me go to ‘Occupational Therapy’. I cannot recall how old I was exactly, but I was still in elementary school. There were multiple exercises that we did, but I only remember two of them. A large swing with a seat made of colorful rope hung from the ceiling in the middle of the playroom. The child was to sit on the swing and get pushed by the therapist. Its purpose was simple: to help with depth perception. Another exercise was to grab a small toy from inside a mason jar full of beads and marbles. This was to help children get used to different textures. I had no idea what these exercises were supposed to do at the time, all I knew was that I was in a bright colorful room with other kids. Well, eventually I stopped going to that place. After that, it was back to being a ‘normal’ kid. Though, I didn’t behave any differently.

I wasn’t the ‘easiest’ kid to raise for my parents. Not only was I born with heightened hearing, but I later got diagnosed with ADHD as well. When I got older, I was put on Adderall, and it helped a lot. Things began to calm down, I was able to focus more and play with other kids. Elementary school went by fast, middle school came and went, and then I was in high school. As a child, I saw movies about high school and thought it looked like so much fun. I was eager to make friends, go to dances, join clubs, and have an amazing journey. Of course, that is not what happened. Freshman year was stressful for me, I couldn’t get adjusted to this new experience that I was put into. Everything was foreign and I barely had any classes with my friends. And just when I started to get even remotely comfortable, quarantine happened. Everything went back downhill, spiraling and landing in a fiery crash right before my eyes. By some miracle, I passed my classes, but only barely. Summer rescued me from the pit of sadness that I was slipping into, giving me a few months of happiness. No matter how happy I was though, the unwavering feeling of dread always hung over me. A dark cloud that grew bigger and bigger the more I tried to swat it away. Sophomore year came and I chose to do a different online school. As much as I wanted to do a good job that year, the cloud never left me alone. I procrastinated assignments, never doing any homework. My eyes were constantly glazed with tears and my heart was aching for reasons that I still cannot explain to this day. Eventually, the last month of school came around, and I still had nothing done. Every day for the rest of that month I spent working on school, nose to the grindstone. I was burnt out but was unable to stop, as I would surely fail my classes. It was during this time that I found something that gave me happiness again. And, as silly as it sounds, it was a tv show called ‘Gotham’. I would watch the show while I worked, smiling the entire time as I did so. This show provided an escape from my dire situation, while also giving me motivation. Because of this, I passed all my classes before the deadline. And even though my grades weren’t fantastic, I was still immensely proud of myself for what I had accomplished. The rest of my high school journey was smooth sailing after that. That is, until my senior year.

I paced my room, choked sobs echoing in my ears. Screams wanted to leave my throat, but I found myself incapable of even speaking. I have no real reason as to why I did this, but I ran away. Without telling my parents I went towards the river near my house and started to walk. The sky was starting to get dark, the river blowing up a cool breeze onto my skin. I had no idea what I was doing, but at the same time I did. My parents eventually found out, and I was sent to a behavioral hospital. In all honesty, I still feel like I should be there. I was only there for a week, and they didn’t help me with anything. The only thing they did was give me pills and have me take them. Once I was discharged, my mother told me later that the workers talked to her about me. They had asked if I had autism. Deep down in my heart, I already knew the answer. But it wasn’t until December of that same year, 2022, that I got tested. A few weeks later I got the results back.

The diagnosis wasn’t the thing that hit me hard. There was absolutely nothing wrong with having autism. It was looking back on my younger self and seeing all the telltale signs that were either ignored or overlooked. It was the fact that I tortured and hated myself over something I had no control over. Something that I didn’t even know I had. That is what broke me. Everyone looks back on their younger self and wishes they did something differently, but I just want to hug myself. All of the times that I would cry myself to sleep because I had a melancholy feeling that was unprecedented, it finally had an explanation. All of the times I would get hyper fixated on a certain show or character so much that it would make me physically ill, finally had an explanation. It was gut-wrenching to know I treated myself because of how I was born. Desperately trying to change myself to be like everyone else when all I needed to do was be happy with who I was. When I think about that, I can’t help but break down in tears.

After the diagnosis, I felt like a different person. The diagnosis didn’t change me itself, I decided to change myself. Everything I was embarrassed to indulge in before, scared of getting criticized or made fun of, I was going to finally explore. I even wanted to change my name, hoping to leave behind the old me who deserved so much better. Clementine. A vibrant and cheerful name, reminding me to never think badly of myself again, but to always love myself. I had finally found confidence in myself, even if other people didn’t agree with my choices. My parents, maybe because they didn’t understand the importance of it, didn’t support my name change. I felt uncomfortable to even mention it around them. It is a shame that the people who you expect to love and support you no matter what would turn their back on something so important to you. However, I didn’t let that get me down. I focused on the things that made me happy, not afraid to show my true interest in them anymore.

Stereotypes followed me wherever I went, whether it was school, with my friends, even my own family. I was constantly being told why I acted the way I did. My mother would send me links to websites, send me inspirational quotes, and would go so far as to tell me how to help myself improve. Now, I knew she meant well, but deep down in my heart I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders, shake her around, and cry out ‘Why don’t you ever ask me?’. All those researchers and doctors, the majority of them didn’t even have autism, and yet everyone collectively agreed that they knew best. Autism is more than being a super genius. It’s more than being a non-verbal ‘idiot’. I was so sick and tired of people telling me why I was the way I was. Because they didn’t know anything about me, and they never would. They will never know why I pace around my room, sobbing violently, making up scenarios in my head to let me escape my life. They will never know why I have the motivation to draw a detailed picture but don’t have the motivation to do a simple chore. They will never know why I obsess and grow emotionally attached to a fictional character so much that it feels like a drug addiction. No one will ever know the reason behind these things, no one besides me. I can guarantee you, reader, that even you will not understand what I am trying to say. It’s impossible. I am fed up with people making autism seem simple and comprehensible.

The purpose behind my personal narrative is to shed light on how autism is a spectrum. Not one person on it is the same. For me, I find that nothing makes sense, yet everything is clear. Simple tasks are difficult for me, but I can feel emotions that are ineffable. I am 19 years old and do not truly know how to pay taxes, I still need help. I am 19 years old, and I cannot listen to music without tears welling up in my eyes. No, I don’t have my drivers license, but I can tell you everything about the Riddler from DC Universe. I’m not the same as you, I still need help with laundry. But you will never be like me, nor will you know what is on my mind. I’m non-binary, I’m queer, I don’t conform to gender roles, I’m autistic, I’m in love with myself, I cry myself to sleep, and I have emotions that are indescribable. No one defines me except for myself. In a world where I am ostracized, villainized, and called slurs, I smile and show you a picture of my current hyper-fixation. I don’t want to be like you. I am an enigma in your eyes. My body is comprised of colors, music, and nature, swaddled in my flesh. I am ineffable to all; you will never truly understand me. Forever in a state of euphoria, always melancholic, and eternally lachrymose.

#personal narrative #writers #writers of tumblr #autism #actually autistic

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princehrry-writings · 1 year

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Let Light Be Light

i've been on a lizzy kick and also experiencing college for the first time so this is what came of that.

warnings: BRIEF mentions of a serial k*ller, slight angst, fluff!!!!! mentions of family trauma

wordcount: 1894

masterlist

But my therapist says To just let light be light So I'm letting him stay around

I’m alone almost every night and I don't know if I’m processing right.

The days grew shorter and the nights colder. Y/n spent most of her time studying, trying to stay on top of her school work. Fall semester was in full swing and while she was sad to be away from home, she was happy to be allowed to think her own thoughts and feel her own feelings instead of everyone else’s. It was a breath of fresh air she didn’t know she needed until she took it.

Another late night at the library, nailing down her answers for her music theory midterm. She found that she loved the smell of old books and dust. Something about it made her feel so studious. She thinks it must be some kind of placebo effect or something because anytime she studies in the library, she feels like the information sticks better.

Her friends had invited her to a study session but she's never been able to focus in group settings like that. She had to figure shit out on her own growing up and that's been a running theme with everything she does in her young adult life. She does shit by herself. She’s never had anyone to lean on before so why would she start now?

That’s not to say Y/n doesn’t appreciate her friends because she does, but if something isn’t broken, no need to take it apart and put it back together.

It’s nearing closing time at the library, meaning it’s closer to midnight then she realized it was. It’s dark out and she forgot her pepper spray in her room, but her dorm isn’t too far away from the library. A 10 minute walk when she’s really moving, so she packs up and gets ready to head out when a voice stops her.

“Wait, you’re not gonna walk alone are you?” She turns around to see this boy, who she recognized from a few classes and he worked here, standing at the counter, lookin at her like she's about to jump off a cliff. He seems cute enough, more than she would ever admit to herself, really. He’s tall, long legs and arms, built muscles. His hair falls right above his ears and is curly, but not too curly. It’s very flowy from what she assumes is him running his fingers through it all day to keep it out of his face, and it looks really soft.

“Yeah…?” She says, wondering why he’s so concerned for her. She’ll be ok, it’s not a bad walk.

“It’s not safe… haven’t you seen the news? There’s a suspect for a murder case running loose on this side of town. His targets are college age girls. Let me walk you home?” His accent makes her a lot less annoyed than she normally would be by somebody telling her she can’t take care of herself.

“How do I know you're not him?” She quips, hoping he’ll give up so she can just go home. Well, as home as a dorm room can be.

He raises an eyebrow, making him more attractive than she thought a random boy in the library could ever be, chuckling a little bit and picking up his bag. She notices that everyone else is already gone and it’s just the two of them, and wishes just for a second that she didn’t listen to true crime podcasts because she’s a little scared he could actually be the murderer he just warned her about. But when he comes over and she gets a good look at him, she just can’t see him being a murderer. She couldn’t really see him hurting a fly if she had to be honest.

He grabs his bag and a ring of keys off the desk and pads over to where she stands.

“M’ Harry, by the way. Figure you should know my name before I kill you behind the library.” He smirks. Oh, so he’s funny too. Now Y/n really has to put up a wall. Funny guys are dangerous.

“I’m Y/n. Figure you should know the name of your latest victim.” She smirks back, matching energy but mentally she detaches herself because she can’t let herself form any sort of attachment to him.

“What hall are you in?” He asks, leading her to the front door and turning off the lights, locking the door behind them.

“It’s only like a 10 minute walk from here. I live in Greeley.” She answers quickly, shoving her hands deep into her pockets. Fall nights can be brutal but there's something that endears her to them. Something about the promise of the seasons changing, new beginnings, a fresh start. A cycle you can always count on. If nothing else, you always know that summer will turn to fall, and fall to winter, and so on.

They walk quickly, making small talk and learning little things about each other. Like Harry is in three out of 7 of her classes. He talks to her like they’ve been friends forever and she can’t figure out why he’s being so nice to her. Can’t figure out what he wants, not that she really has much to give in the first place.

Too soon do they arrive at the front door of her dorm building. He says goodbye with a charming smile that she has to consciously not blush at and she makes her way upstairs.

The butterflies win anyway, flooding her with a warmth she swore she would never feel again. She just met him today. What is she doing with herself?

Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?

Suddenly, Y/n sees Harry everywhere. She knows it's crazy to think he’s following her, but that’s what her brain tells her because why would she be seeing him everywhere all of the sudden. She definitely doesn’t think it’s because he’s all she's been able to think about since he walked her home from the library.

The nights had continued getting colder, and finally the first snow of the season had fallen upon them. And as cynical as people think she is, Y/n absolutely loves all things winter. The cozy nights with a lit candle (that she hides from her RA), ice skating, christmas lights. All of it, she loves. So as the snow falls, Y/n sits out on a bench wrapped in her heavy coat, a hot drink in her hand and wanderlust written across her features.

She doesn’t even realize there's someone sitting next to her until Harry scoots a little closer, waving his hand in front of her face.

“Aren’t you freezing?” She startles out of her daze, seeing the boy sitting next to her. Something between a goofy smile and a concerned stare paints his face and it's almost enough to make her laugh, but she stops herself.

“Not one bit…” She lightly smiles, thinking about how much she loves the weather right now. He can’t seem to wrap his head around this girl, why she seems so… distant from him.

He thought maybe it was him specifically, but he hadn’t done anything rude. At least not that he knew of. Maybe sometime ago he had accident;y been a prick and she still remembers and holds it against him.

She doesn’t say anything else so he just sits there with her, quietly people watching and trying not to freeze his bits off. He wanted to figure her out.

“I don't know why he’s so persistent… I see him everywhere now, after the library thing. And last week he sat next to me on a bench outside for like an hour. Just quietly sat next to me, didn’t try to talk to me or anything. I don’t understand him at all.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe he wants to get to know you?” Y/n’s therapist wonders out loud.

“Why would he want to know me? What even is there to know? My family trauma, my anxiety, that I’m jaded because of what happened with my last relationship? I’m not exactly a ball of sunshine…” She rants back, wondering what this boy could possibly be interested in when it comes to her.

“I think you should just let light be light. Let him be a good thing in your life. Don’t try and mess it up before it even starts because you’re scared to let someone in.”

Y/n pauses, suddenly realizing why she was pushing him away so hard.

“Harry!”

The boy turns around quickly, zeroing in on who called his name. He does a double take, not believing who was trying to get his attention.

“Hey Y/n…” He’s confused but elated. She’s never really shown interest in trying to talk to him unless he comes up to her first so seeing her calling his name is a bit jarring. He feels a little thrown off his game.

“Hey, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to grab lunch with me, if you’re not busy?” She asks. Y/n feels like she might pass out or throw up… or both. But she’s trying to take her therapist's advice and let good things happen to her and she figured she would take matters into her own hands. Again, she always had to do shit by herself so this isn’t really any different. She didn’t feel like waiting around hoping he might make a move. So here she is…

Harry’s face lights up in that stupidly cute little smile that he has and she can feel the warmth it radiates flow through her body. Maybe her therapist is on to something…

“Are you asking me on a date?” He quips, the smile morphing into a smirk. Her cheeks glow bright red and something tells him it's not from the cold weather.

“Yeah…”

“It’s about time, jeez. I’ve only been flirting with you since, oh I don’t know, I offered to walk you home that night!” He lets an exasperated sigh leave his lips and he takes a few steps closer to her, giggling at how this situation had turned in his favor so quickly. He’d actually been working up the nerve to ask her that exact question. She just happened to beat him to the punch line.

“So that’s a yes?” He softens, seeing the look in her eyes. The genuine vulnerability. She was scared, putting herself out on the line with no defenses. He knew she didn;t do this often, if at all.

“S’ a yes pet, where would you like to go to lunch?” He reaches out for her hand, pulling her into him. She slowly wraps her arms around his, burrowing into his chest like she had belonged there this whole time. He wraps her up tight, one arm around her waist, the other cradling her head. She fit perfectly against him, like his body was built just for her. He would like to believe it was but he doesn’t want to get too ahead of himself.

“I dunno, m’fine with anywhere.” She mumbled, her cheeks squished against him. She feels weird, like she never had before. But a good weird.

Home.

She felt at home.

I think that he’s good for me, this boy that I’ve found.

#harry styles blurb #harry styles x reader #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles #x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry x you #one direction #harry styles one shot #harry styles fluff #boyfriend!harry x reader #lizzy mcalpine #let light be light #lizzy mcalpine song fic #when the world stopped moving #lizzy

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