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feminist-minimalist · 4 months

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Psychiatric Wards & Hospitals, My Experiences

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, a few other things that seem to have been merged into these diagnoses after further context and I've had some odd experiences as psych patient.

First, let me say this: sometimes, they *can* help. They *can* be a way to decompress and stabilize. Everybody's experience is different as is everybody's mental health team and psych ward/hospital rules. This serves as a disclaimer to say that I am not a licensed mental health professional.

That said, I have to say, they are not the best and have served me more bad than good. Let me explain.

The first time, I called the cops on myself. I was angry and distraught that I had tried to seek him out for support because I was feeling really suicidal and depressed about my time with a hostile and toxic work environment. Even though I left, I still felt the effects. The cop was professional, caring, and receptive, to be fair. But..also, a Jordan Peterson follower. So....eh. Not great, but not terrible. I kind of just tuned out. I had a chef's knife to my chest, but called the cops before I took irreversible action. I still can remember how sharp it was, with the tip brushing up against me but also how annoyed I was that I didn't think I could press down hard enough.

So, the hospital. Honestly? I had a mixed experience, but in some ways, kind of was really...all right. I called the cops on myself to get help, and I really did feel connected to the patients there. Food was fucking amazing. I slept a little better. Had some meds. The only bad parts? An annoying conspiracy theorist for COVID as well as a misogynist, and a few other people that I just...honestly felt sorry for but still were these angry balls of addiction. They calmed down after awhile and though they were still struggling, were ok conversationalists. The only bad part? One of the employees there kept saying "he's still your dad", which didn't help though it was meant in a loving way and I took it in the spirit they were implying. Still was invalidating though. The experience after coming home sucked. I was going through it with a bad landlady. I got her fired though. Still sucked to go through.

Next! So the next hospital. Really not great. It was an inpatient/outpatient facility and they knew me on an outpatient basis. Or I thought they did. I never felt respected by them as an abuse survivor. While I did CBT shit, they kept trying to diagnose me with something that was obviously untrue. Doesn't matter what it was now though since I ceased services and really made it clear I wasn't happy with them. This was in Florida during COVID. So. Yeah. That caused some problems considering I was definitely one of those "mask up and vaccinate" types and everyone else really wasn't. It literally caused so much stress with their neglectful attitude towards my very real complaints and concerns that it brought up this trauma from BEFORE Urissa. I had body memories of my Uncle Scott tackling me out of nowhere when I was a toddler. Big drunk guy who was a careless idiot. There were witnesses but I never went to the hospital and no charges were filed even though I was crawling around. I barely could stand after he tackled me. We weren't playing football and I wasn't interested in sports. So...yeah. Anyway.

That was probably the most directly damaging one. The way they framed me was acting out. But I had been repressing this shit FOR YEARS and unsafe people and places were essentially a "get over it" thing for the people I went to for help. They also misdiagnosed me. I had to argue with them to change it. It sucked. I got blamed for things that weren't my fault.

Again though, food was fine. People mostly fine except for some annoying patients and caregivers. But the reasons why I was there was dumb. I felt like I was heightened into a psychotic break *because* caregivers weren't caring. I came back a little better with a new perspective with my trauma finally jostled, but I was gobsmacked by the mistreatment there and at UNF. Wasn't suicidal on admittance, but definitely was in a position to have a full blown PTSD flashback, turned psychotic break. I was there to get permission for a medical withdrawal, which turned out to um...not be needed. Also, UNF campus security was attempting to silence and dismiss my issues. They did that.

Next!

Moved to a different state. Felt the walls closing in after I failed my truck driving skills test and didn't have a plan to return to uni (back at uni now of course though). Confronted poor family support, financial support cut off. Emotional support always nonexistent. So. Here's the thing with that. I had tried to kill myself by starving myself and not drinking water. I went to Lovelace and they said "eh" and threw me out. I tried again. I went to my uni hospital. They checked me out. Did find my vitals to be off and a thyroid problem. Gave me fluids. Sent me to psych hospital. Guess what happened? They turned me away when I called them out on giving me an inappropriate medication! They basically told me "yes, I think you need help, but no inpatient.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I still don't know how to feel about that. I mean. I'm glad I could have my sleep apnea device at home. I'm glad I got some food (still dealing with food insecurity due to being a student and not eligible for food stamps). I'm glad I could masterbate in the privacy of my own home. But still. Food good. I felt really bad. And I was hoping for three square meals til I felt better after my suicide attempt since I had no money, but I had Medicaid!

Anyway, I think the takeaway here is that, yes, in some cases, they can help. But all I can think about are the injustices and annoyances of some of them. I'll say this much. I wasn't comfortable as a sexual assault and rape survivor forced to spend time around other people with no fucking privacy. Other people definitely exposed themselves on purpose and seemed to kind of prod me over that fact. It was deeply violating. Fuck you that One Florida Mental Hospital.

Now there was one time where I went to a psych ward just to get away from Urissa. And I really was having a major dissociative moment where I was like "what the fuck is this chick doing"?!! And that really was just a floor. No privacy. No bed. Just a fucking chair with a table like in a school. Now. I will say this. I loved being away from Urissa. I loved being able to sleep (albeit in a chair like Grandpa Simpson). The burgers and fries for food was good. Really good. But I still was just...not having any space for myself. The caregivers were overworked. But I got some time to decompress from my abusive rapist.

And that's that.

No. You are unlikely to be 100 percent comfortable and unbothered in a psych ward. I wasn't allowed electronics in any of the places I went to, which made it worse, or have any space for myself. I hated not being able to masturbate. But I never just fucking jacked it in the open like some of the other patients I was with. Sometimes you'll deal with people that will not help you get better. The only reason why I'm saying that wellllllll yes, they can be helpful is that if you are someone that has always kind of self-parented, was neglected, but still figured it out, you'll have a space to ponder without those family members that don't help and no school or work to work through it on your own. With That One Florida Mental Hospital, I literally had a psychotic break to help me through it. I've never had psychosis before or after. It was literally just my brain going "LISTEN TO ME, YOU ARE TRAUMATIZED WORK THROUGH IT!!!!" But the fact that they just kind of diagnosed that instead of straight PTSD always irks me.

Also, if you are obese and short, good fucking luck if you went in involuntarily without allowable clothes on the floor. Because when I went in, the scrubs kept breaking and actually exposed me involuntarily and that's not great for people who have been sexually abused and raped.

They really are a mixed bag. And if you wanna get better, you really have to advocate for yourself and make good faith attempts to plead your case if you are unheard.

Good luck with them! You deserve a therapeutic relationship with your caregivers and to be heard on your concerns!

#me #mental health #mental illness #male rape victims #male abuse victim #goldenphoenixgirl #gpg

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 11 months

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Hi i just need to put this into words and possibly get an outside perspective that isnt from my friends and such

I dont know if i can call what i went through as a teen neglect.

This is pretty long sorry, just skip to the end if necessary

TW: Alcoholism, Neglect? Sorry if i missed anything

To explain fully, i was taken out of school in 7th grade due to mental health issues and one very abusive and ableist teacher. That left me alone at home for 80% of the week, which was fine i had plenty of food and such to eat and i preferred being alone to recover from everything. I never went back even once i was "recovered"

But then when i was about 16, my mother's mental took a nosedive. She started having hospital level panic attacks. It wasnt that bad at first, cuz despite everything i still atleast had food and such for when she had to spent a day or maybe two at the hospital, which was rare. I could survive on my own with the limited help i got.

It sucked, my quality of life went from "meh could be better" to "okay uh we're surviving in decent comfort atleast?" In the span of a few months. But it wasnt the worse

Then the new year rolled over and it became worse. My mother took up drinking to cope and that spiralled fast

To the point her hospital visits became weekly almost daily, my life went from "okay i can life like this but i rather not" to "haha, im gonna end up in the hospital too-" in less then a month

I basically lived with my grandmother for a month and, she barely had any food there because they always went out to eat, food wasnt allow upstairs unless you were sick, beds felt worse then wood floors, and she didnt respect my issues

I was pushed aside, i didnt eat more then a mini bag of chips most nights because the only things to eat where expired, take out from places i didnt like, or things i literally cant eat either cuz textures or allergies.

When everything went back to almost normal, there was barely any food at home, i slept in my mother's closet because my old stalker tried breaking into my room while we were gone (also bugs overtook my room because the window was jammed for the rest of the time before we came home because of that) and my mother didnt want us to share her huge bed because i apparently violently slapped and kicked her awake till 3am when we tried (i didnt go to bed till 5am the one week when we tried, and she always woke up at 6am for her meds and such especially during this also we both slept on the very edges)

My mother would sleep all day, only waking up to take her meds and eat and stuff.

Dinner went from a "happens most of the week" thing to "you'll be luckly if you found a warm thing to make and eat"

Basically, i kinda starved often till things calmed down later in the year. I think a broke college student ate and slept better then me that year.

When i was 18 it happened again but i had a job so it wasnt as bad.

I dont blame her for like 40% of that hell, her and my father where going through the 5th messiest divorce of our closeish family has witnessed (tho it was actually kinda tame compared to the top 4 so idk the actual severity), and her mental health was already on decline for reasons that are not mine to tell

But like can i call what happened neglect?? It sounds like it but idk i actually can call it that.

Like yeah i starved most of my time as a 17 year old, slept in a cramped closet during said time, developed back issues cuz of that, was barely able to care for myself due to depression, was subjected to to smell of weed and the smoke from it often despite the fact it makes me extremely sick, was very suicidal, was told i was a burden and was making the situation worse cuz im autistic and was basically the new family afterthought

But like, does it really qualify as neglect and can i call it that if it is? Most adults i talked to at the time, even my old therapist said no because i was "17 and should already know how to care for myself on my own. And shouldnt take the words said in a probably drunken state to heart" but like there no way i could care for myself?? Atleast not without taking less then ideal options. Also that doesnt excuse the extremely hateful things yelled at me???

So im really conflicted here, was it neglect or am i just being overdramatic??? Every therapist ive been able to go to says im just being dramatic but my friends says im not so ????

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You can most certainly call these experiences neglect if that is a term you would like to use.

Neglect by definition is to fail to care for properly, and by legal definition it's "the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility, for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to." Not only were you not provided sufficient food, but it seems likely that your emotional needs may not have been taken care of either, with an unavailable mother and a disrespectful grandmother. It also sounds like you were not given adequate shelter and medical care, considering where you slept, the bug infestation, and how that affected your development. So yes, in many ways, your experience aligns with neglect.

I think it's important to remember that it's common for trauma survivors to feel like they're being dramatic when they validate the severity of their trauma, and that it makes sense to be in some level of disbelief that it's worse than you initially thought. Please know that you are valid as a trauma survivor, and remember to be patient and gentile with yourself as you explore what this means for you.

Ultimately, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, especially one who specialized in trauma, can mediate your healing journey and help you find ways to make sense of, process, and cope with your experiences.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw neglect #trauma details #tw substance abuse

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festeringneondistraction · 1 year

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What slipping though the cracks feels like

So im back on my bullshit. Life has just seriously been kicking me while im down. At this point I wouldn't mind moving back in with parents but unfortunately thats just not a fucking option. Sure my brother gets to live at home for the first few years of adulthood but i dont!?!?! He tried alaska, it didnt work out. he tried new mexico, it didnt work out, he tried the Navy and then that didnt work out. Im not shaming him I just feel like my family has given him a lot more grace. He has a lot of credit card debt and now that me and jacob are bringing on the debt people start judging.

Im so fucking frustrated, it genuinely feels like there is just no place for me in this world. It sucks. Its absolutely crushing. I have so many things that I want to do and be but zero reasources. Theres no money im so alone. its not fair to try and force jacob to try and get a job when i cant even find a job. Hes been unemployed for a while.

The main thing pissing me off is bureaucracy... I absolutely do not possess the skills needed to be able to access the services I need. Everyone ALWAYS says "just get on disability, just get a social worker to help you" okay HOW. HOW do i get that? Its not as simple as go to the website or make a phone call. Im terrible with phone calls, the websites just straight up do not work sometimes, and I don't have all the documents. Im Autistic, I was diagnosed late senior year of highschool (during covid). They attempted to get me services but there was not the time. I was full on failing and nobody at that school really should have let me graduate. It was an incredibly poor decision on there part. Honestly over 50% of the class should have not graduated. I kind of dont have basic math skills as well? Due to my learning disabilities (which also went undiagnosed for years) I have the math skills of a 6th grader (potentially worse) at 19.

I want to do collage but im worried I couldn't handle it. I also just cant afford to go to school and not work. Im done. Im so sick of this country (U.S). Slipping through the cracks sucks so much. I honestly wish I was more visably disabled so maybe someone might help me. I really need help. We cant navagate this. I DONT HAVE LIFESKILLS I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. How do you tell people that?

I dont like borrowing money from people but we really haven't had much of a choice. I feel like im taking advantage of people but im really not trying to. I have this deep impending fear that this is all my fault, im not trying hard enough and i just need to get my shit together. Or that im self sabotaging or enabling jacob or some shit. I feel like a fucking criminal sometimes. It hurts. It doesn't help that our families treat us like criminals sometimes. I hate that ive lied so many times about having a job but im sick of the fucking lectures, I really do appreciate all the people who have helped and all the money ive been given but goddamn it i hate taking peoples money but im literally forced to. Ive had my rent paid for me a few times now,,, its embarrassing. The worst part is people see that you have had other people helping out with rent and immediately judge you. If I didnt have food stamps I would have legitimately starved by now.

I went to the hospital a few weeks ago. I was already having a severe panic attack then got news that my uncle died in a car accident. I still dont know if im in a place where i can write out exactly what my brain felt like in those days but it was terrifying. I was hallucinating harder than I ever had before. They gave me the option to stay or just take some anxiety meds and go home. I took the meds. Part of me wishes I had just stayed. It really feels like that was the only way I was going to get real help that I need. I get really bad intrusive thoughts so thats how I actually got admitted.

All I want is some peace of mind and stability. Thats fucking it. I dont even need to be happy right now i just need to catch my fucking breath. Ive been unemployed almost 2 months now. It took 6 months last time for us to get settled into this god forsaken apartment. Im grateful I HAVE an apartment for sure because its not lost on me how easily I could lose it. I know I should be paying my own rent. im more than fucking aware. I feel bad lying to people because it stresses me out but mostly because we straight up cant afford to have people mad at us right now. I need every support system I can fucking get. Its not fair none of this is fair I don't think my family understands how disabled I actually am let alone jacob. I constantly trying to figure out ways to make money its just not fucking working.

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therealvinelle · 3 years

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Ok I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm just now copying your Norwegian Bella AU into a text translator, and if you don't already have 50 people in your inbox demanding a translation then shame on ALL OF US because this is glorious! And while Google Translate does have a certain charm (it translated "piper hun ut" as "she beeps") I'm curious to see how you'd put it in English.

Troquantary is referring to this post. In which Bella doesn't speak English.

Fun fact, you're the only one who's gone into my inbox to request this. I was so sad, had the translation half-written and everything, but I was too proud to beg. So thank you, Troquantary, for popping this ask.

As for the dictionary fuckups, sounds about right. I made a few typos, too, that made Google Translate suffer even more. (Such as managing to mix up "henne" (her) and "hendene" (hands), resulting in Aro patting Bella instead of clapping his hands. Poor Google.)

Also, there are a few cultural references and language things that would be lost in the translation, in an attempt to keep them I included notes clarifying things.

Some things, like Aro and Carlisle's very old man way of speaking, are easier said than done to translate, you'll have to bear with me there.

Additional notes are that I added a few things to this version, many of them because translating is hard, but a few because while translating I thought "oh you know what would be much funnier-" and then wrote that.

Alright, without further ado:

When Renée left Charlie she did not go to Florida, she went to Oslo. And she went all in to make her daughter a true Norwegian, hiring Norwegian nannies and making sure never to speak English around the child. Since transatlantic flights are expensive, little Bella Swan rarely got to visit her father, and as such she never did learn what should have been her native language.

She quickly forgot what English she did have in favor of Norwegian, with the exception of words like “Yes”, “No”, and “I’m Bella”.

The few trips she took to visit her father were all the more awkward than in canon since she couldn’t play with the Black kids. Let not the blame fall upon Charlie: he took Norwegian classes and speaks conversational Norwegian. He can’t speak to Renée, because her Norwenglish is incomprehensible even to Norwegians, but he can communicate with Bella.

Not that he’s had a lot of chances to do so.

Bella makes it to seventeen years old, she’s in second grade at Handels* and is a major outsider among the preps there, and then Renée marries a handsome skier**. Together they shall travel the continent all winter to participate in as many skiing races as they can, and in the summer they’ll take gigs at Hurtigruta to see the coast.

*“Handels” is the nickname for an Oslo high school infamous for its pupils being rich and beautiful blonds who are going to be CEOs when they grow up.

**Skiing as a sport is huge in Norway

***Hurtigruta is a famous ferry that travels across the Norwegian West coast

Bella, who sucks at skiing and is too young to work at Hurtigruten, takes the hint.

With dread in her stomach and dictionary in hand she goes to her father in America.

Where she doesn’t speak the language.

Faen.

Charlie gives her a car, and I wish this meta was set in the present because I could have joked about electric cars and the automat only driver’s license*, but Twilight is set in 2005 so I can’t. The car part proceeds without drama.

*An increasing number of Norwegian youth take the driver’s license for automatic cars only, and we’re the country in the world with the highest percentage of electric car purchases.

School is worse than in canon, because she is now a thousand times more sensational than if she was merely the new student. She is from another country! All of Forks keels over with excitement.

To make matters even worse, our girl doesn’t understand a word of what people are saying.

She is too awkward to let them know she doesn’t know English. It’d become a thing, and they might think she’s dumb. To be fair, it’s not good that she’s been through primary, secondary, and now a year and a half of high school and still sucks at English.

So she nods, smiles, mumbles “Hi, I’m Bella” to the new faces, and blushes heavily when anybody says anything.

People assume she’s shy. That’s a bit boring, but oh well.

She has her biology class with the redhead hottie she noticed during lunch. She watched him and his family, they were fascinatingly pretty, but she doesn’t know anything more about them. Sure would have been great if she could have asked the tiny girl (was it Jess?) about them.

Biology proceeds as in canon - Edward badly wants to eat the delicious girl, but fortunately doesn’t.

She runs into him in the office when he tries to switch to another biology lesson, but she has no idea what he’s saying so she only has the suspicion that this somehow concerns her. Which is still uncomfortable, but Bella is probably the problem here. The hottie surely can’t be.

He’s missing from school for a week, Bella finds that weird.

He returns, and to her great horror he starts talking to her.

“Hello”, he says.

Bella dies inside. He’s too handsome!

"I'm Edward Cullen," he continues, and ok, she got that. The hottie is called Edward, that’s good to know. She’s not sure she caught that last name, though, Köln?

He says something else, it’s gibberish to Bella even though she’s concentrating, and at the end there he says “Bella Swan”.

She gulps.

"I'm Bella Swan," she confirms and nods. That should be correct. God, she hopes it’s correct.

He smiles a crooked, boyish smile. She’s awed. She didn’t think it was possible to be so beautiful.

He says something else.

Bella didn’t catch it.

She blushes even harder, she hasn’t been more embarrassed in her life. Here he is, the most handsome guy in all the world, and she has nothing to say to him. Literally, they don’t speak the same language.

She should tell him.

It’s one thing to chicken out of telling the town she doesn’t speak English, but there’s something different about Edward Cullen. He deserves the truth.

But...

He’s the most beautiful person she has seen in her life. He is American, too, so the odds of him knowing Norwegian are microscopical. If he finds out she doesn’t understand a word he says he’ll stop talking to her, and selfish as she is she doesn’t want that.

So with a slightly guilty conscience (but not enough to fess up) she contributes to the conversation with enough words and smiles to pull through. "Yes", "No", "Thank you", and "That's nice".

He is surprised by several of these answers, but instead of giving her odd looks and losing interest he grows more invested in the conversation.

Class ends.

The next day the near accident happens, and he saves her. She is stunned - dear god, did he just pick up a whole car? After teleporting across the parking lot..?

Soon she’s in the ER, and more than a little bit stressed about that fact since she knows the Americans have a terrible healthcare system.

She hopes Charlie has an insurance.

An insanely beautiful man walks into the ER, and Bella is shocked. He is just as handsome as Edward and Edward’s lunch friends!

He introduces himself as Carlisle Cullen, and Bella can only assume this is someone’s older brother. Possibly related to the blonde girl.

He smiles at her, says something, and she answers, "I'm Bella Swan."

He frowns.

That must have been the wrong answer, then.

His hands return to investigating her scalp, and to her great surprise he switches to perfect Norwegian, "kjenner De* noe ubehag når jeg holder her?" Do you feel any discomfort when I touch here?

*De is the Norwegian polite pronoun for “you”. Du = thou = the French tu, and De = you = the French vous. These polite pronouns went out of use in the 1980’s, save for when addressing royal persons, and would be considered antiquated in 2005.

He hurries to add, "Norsk lærte jeg i... fjor sommer. Det var et nettkurs." I learned Norwegian… last year. Online class.

"Hvilket da?" Which one? Bella asks, because Charlie needs to hear about this. The doctor has beautiful, if slightly outdated, pronunciation.

The doctor’s smile turns uncertain. She gets the feeling there’s something he doesn’t want to say. "Husker ikke," I don’t remember, sier han etter en litt vel lang pause.

That’s a shame. And weird.

"De hadde hellet med Dem i dag, som ikke ble truffet av den bilen." You were lucky today, not getting hit by that car. he then says, noticeably changing the subject.

"Det var ikke hell, det var Edward," It wasn’t luck, it was Edward, she replies sharply.

The doctor definitely looks uncomfortable.

She continues, "Han krysset skolegården på et blunk, og plukket opp hele bilen. Jeg så det," He crossed the schoolyard in a moment, and picked up the whole car. I saw it,

The doctor laughs. "Om han kunne det hadde nok gymkarakteren hans vært meget bedre. Nei, frøken Swan*, jeg beklager å si at det høres ut som at De er litt omtåket. Det er helt normalt ved hjernerystelse." If he could do that, his PE grade would be a lot better. No, Miss Swan, I’m sorry to say you seem confused. That’s normal with concussions.

*Addressing a young woman as “frøken” is even more outdated than using polite pronouns.

Why does Bella get the feeling he’s lying?

She’s discharged.

We’ll jump ahead to her trip to La Push - that trip uneventful, since Jacob knows she doesn’t speak English. They stick their hands in their pockets and stare at the sea.

The next day she’s shanghaied to Port Angeles, because apparently she said “Yes” at the wrong time when talking to Jessica (Turns out Jess’s name was Jessica!) and accidentally said yes to a day trip to Port Angeles.

Like in canon she wanders away from the others, and as in canon she is nearly gang raped. And again as in canon she is saved at the last moment by Edward.

He buys her dinner, and she can’t believe her own luck- and misfortune. A date with the most handsome guy on the planet (hence the luck) and she can’t say a word to him (hence the misfortune)!

He says things to her, lends her his jacket, and really this is it for Bella, she’s peaked, life can’t get better than this.

(That’s a lie, it would be better if she spoke English.)

He’s so amazing.

She’s gotten pretty good at navigating conversations with him, so she nods and aha’s her way through.

In his car on the way home the tone takes a more serious turn.

He asks her about something, and it’s a serious question, that much she’s gathered. She answers in the confirmative.

He is silent.

Did she say anything wrong?

(Edward, on his end, just asked if she knows what he is. She said yes, so calmly, not even a trace of fear in her.)

A few days later he takes her out on a walk in the woods.

He shows her a meadow in the woods, and when he steps into it he lights up in the sunlight.

Bella is in shock.

She knew there was something different about him, but- holy cow. This guy isn’t human.

Is she dating a god?

She stumbles into the clearing after him, and they spend a day together where he says things, and she can barely hear any of it (nevermind understand it) because she’s so distracted by how pretty he is.

The next day he takes her to a house in the middle of nowhere. She doesn’t want to guess that this can be where he lives. Surely gods don’t live in houses?

He shows her inside the house, and introduces her for Dr. Cullen and a lady with a name she doesn’t catch.

Bit weird that these two are acting like a couple of parents, they’re far too young and divine for that.

Edward shows her around in an old-fashioned office, and she doesn’t know what to make of i when she sees a painting of Carlisle. Edward launches into a long story when he sees her watching it, unfortunately she doesn’t catch any dates or artist names. At one point she heard the word “suicide”, though, and that’s not good.

She doesn’t get much out of the story.

The baseball game doesn’t happen because Bella didn’t pick up on what Edward wanted and didn’t realize she was being invited to a thing. They spend the afternoon watching a movie instead.

The relationship continues, impeded slightly by communication problems, but she’s mostly able to cover those up.

Until her birthday comes around.

She gets a papercut.

Jasper lunges at her. Edward throws her into a glass table, and then everyone is leaving.

Carlisle is kind enough to switch to Norwegian when he’s stitching up her arm, perhaps remembering the last time she was his patient. "Jasper har ikke vært på dietten vår så veldig lenge." Jasper hasn’t been on our diet for very long.

"Diett?"she asks. She’s never seen Edward eat anything. She wasn’t clear on what the Cullens ate, honestly she thought they were above such things. She was thinking maybe photosynthesis. The knowledge that they apparently eat food astounds her, but diets?

"Dyreblod istedenfor menneskeblod," Animal blood in stead of human blood, Carlisle clarifies.

Whachasay?

Carlisle gives a slight smile. “Jaspers liv som vampyr fikk en brutal start." Jasper’s life as a vampire got off to a brutal start.

...

Vampire?!

Bella’s missed something here.

Oh dear lord, oh fy faen, she has missed something.

“Åja”, uh huh, is all she can say, and suddenly she’s very aware of the fact that she’s sitting there with a bleeding arm.

And Carlisle.

Who is a vampire.

Over the course of the following conversation Bella makes a host of discoveries.

Edward has been a vampire this whole time, and he’s a telepathic vampire. Whether Bella should be a vampire too or not has been a matter of hot debate, but due to religious reasons Edward doesn’t want that.

Carlisle also brings up how Edward died of the Spanish flu.

"Jeg var under den oppfatning at Edward fortalte deg bakhistorien min?" I was under the impression Edward told you my back story? Carlisle asks at one point, and Bella just has to ask very nicely if he’d be so kind as to repeat it.

Turns out the guy is nearly four hundred years old.

Jaha.

Jahahaha jaa ha.

That’s… a lot.

She wanders out of the house in shock, and hardly notices Edward’s strange behavior over the next couple of days.

One day he picks her up at school, and takes her behind the house.

That works out.

He’s a vampire, but he never hurt her. He is endlessly beautiful, perhaps easier to love now that she knows he’s not a god. He’s her Edward, and that’s suddenly easier now that she knows.

They can still be together.

But now that she knows this about him, it’s about time he knows something about her as well.

It’s time to finally be honest with him.

So when he opens his mouth, she opens her mouth as well, but she doesn’t get any further than to “Edward-” before he launches into a monologue.

She’ll have to wait until he’s done before saying her piece. It’s a bit embarrassing, but it doesn’t seem like he intends to stop talking anyway.

And what he’s saying seems to be serious, so it’s probably best to let him finish.

Edward concludes his monologue by kissing her forehead. Then he disappears.

Where did he go?

A big unsure, Bella goes back to the house. She’ll just have to wait until he gets back.

She doesn’t know what to think when Charlie returns from work and tells her the Cullens have all left.

Oh, god.

Edward must have found out she doesn’t speak English.

She made a mockery of him.

He has every right to leave.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to live with.

Bella sinks into a depression.

The hallucinations begin, as in canon, though Hallusinward speaks Norwegian. Thank god for small mercies.

The friendship with Jacob (dictionary in hand) blooms, as someone has to help her see those hallucinations.

The cliff diving happens, and Alice shows up. Bella’s not sure what this is about, but she has gotten good enough at English to know that something bad happened, and Alice wants them to do something.

She’s a bit surprised to find herself on a plane to Italy, though.

Alice tells her to “Run to Edward” and ok, she got that, actually.

So she saves Edward.

After that she’s taken into the sewer, which turns out to house dozens of vampires.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are received in some kind of hall, where an unusual vampire has quite a bit to say. She understands some of what he’s saying, at least the part about “la tua cantante”. She knows a bit about Italian, see, so she knows that he’s talking about a song now.

She wishes she knew the context.

At one point he takes her hand, and appears fascinated by it. She wonders if he’s a palmreader. Not very vampirey, but what does she know.

He asks her a question.

"Yes," she says.

Saying yes has gotten her this far, after all.

But when he lights up and claps his hands together, and Edward and Alice stare at her in shock and betrayal, she knows she must have said the wrong thing.

The two are dismissed from the room before Bella can do or say anything, she’s just listening to Edward make a racket outside in the hallway.

Not good.

The unusual vampire brings her further down in his sewer palace to a basement, and she is given comfortable clothes to wear.

This is getting terrifying.

The vampire leans towards her - and she chickens out.

"Jeg snakker ikke engelsk!" she squeaks. "Non habla ingles!" I don’t speak English.

Han stanser, og ser forvirret ut. "Que- Hva behager*?" I beg your pardon? spør han etter et øyeblikk.

*A very formal, and slightly outdated (you can use it, but people will think you’re putting on airs. And they will be right) way of saying “excuse me?”

Sobbing, Bella tells him the whole story, from how she didn’t want to be the weird kid in school to how she’s now somehow in Italy without knowing why nor what she just agreed to.

When she’s done the vampire starts laughing.

"Dette forklarer jo en hel del," This explains quite a bit, ler han. "Men, kjære Bella, jeg er redd det ikke endrer noe." But, my dear Bella, I’m afraid it changes nothing.

He tells her that she has agreed to serve him and his army of undead warriors into eternity.

Well fuck.

"Du skal få slippe det, når du ikke visste hva du samtykket til - men skjebnen din forblir den samme. Loven er loven." You’re released from that promise, as you didn’t know what you agreed to - but your fate remains the same. The law is the law.

After a moment of silence, during which she looks terrified, he hurries to add, "Vi har en lov. Du må bli en av oss." We have a law. You must become one of us.

A law that Bella Swan has to become a vampire?

People are finally speaking Norwegian, and Bella is still lost. And it’s too embarrassing to keep pestering this poor, polite man with questions.

So she nods.

He gives her a glittering smile, and bites her.

When she wakes, Aro offers her an English course. A language course that, naturally, leads to her staying in Volterra. Why not learn a few more languages while we’re at it, dearest Bella?

Some time later Edward breaks into Volterra to save his Rapunzel, only to barely recognize her now that she’s a vampire who says things. Lots of things, she talks all the time now. WHAT DID ARO DO TO HER.

Too mortified to admit that she never spoke English, Bella claims she’s been brainwashed.

Aro is having too much fun to correct her, and the whole sad affair sets off a regrettable flood of rumors.

#troquantary #norwegian things #bella swan #twilight #twilight meta #twilight renaissance #evighetens kyss #evighetens kyss meta #evighetens kyss renessanse

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just-dreaming-marvel · 3 years

Text

Invisible Pain ~ Part 2

MAIN MASTERLIST

Tony Stark x Reader

Word Count: 1,860ish

Summary: You struggle shopping for a dress.

Notes: this is Part 2 to my other story Invisible Pain. Please read it before reading this. This is based on an experience I had last week. I literally had a panic attack in the dressing room.

“Are you getting a new dress for Tony’s party on Friday?” Natasha asked as you and her finished working out together.

“I don’t know,” you responded. “You?”

“Yeah. Want to go together later?”

“Sounds great.”

It had been a few months since the team found out about your rheumatoid arthritis. They had all been extremely supportive and caring, as well as overprotective. It took you tattling to Fury to get Tony and Steve to let you train again. Not to mention Bruce’s constant check ups and blood tests. Tony had even upgraded your watch to make it easier on himself and Bruce to track everything.

During the time since your illness came out, you and Tony had also become an official couple. To no one’s real surprise. He was so sweet and understanding about your illness, and had truly read everything he could on the subject. You in turn were caring and understanding about his struggles with PTSD, like you had been when you were friends.

“Hey honey,” Tony greeted coming into your shared room as you were trying to get undressed. “Need help?”

“Yeah,” you sighed. “You mind helping me undress? I’m struggling to get my shirt off.”

“Sure thing.” Tony came over and began taking your shirt off. “Are your shoulders bugging you today?”

“Yeah. I tried not to use them too much in training today, but I couldn’t help it.”

Tony shook it head slightly and clicked his tongue in disapproval. “You need to be more careful.”

“It’s just my shoulders today, Tony. And I took some meds before you came it. I’ll be fine.”

He sighed as he finished taking your shirt off for you, pressing a kiss to your bare shoulder. “Do you need help in the shower?”

“I’ll be fine, Tony.”

“You sure? Cause I can be of some help.”

“Maybe tonight.” You leaned in and gave him a small kiss. “I have to hurry so I can meet up with Nat. We’re going dress shopping for the party on Friday.”

“Oh? Need help?”

“Nope.”

“Will you send me a picture?”

“I’d rather not. I’m trying to see how speechless I can leave the great billionaire, playboy.” You walked into the bathroom with a wink, shutting the door behind you.

~~~

“How about this one?” Natasha wondered, holding up a dress.

“Sure, why not?” You replied, adding the dress to the growing pile in your arms. With your shoulders already aching, the rest of your arms were slowly following. “I think that I’m ready to go try them on now. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to hold all these.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you in the fitting rooms. I’m just going to take one more look around before I start trying some on.”

You nodded before heading to the fitting room. Entering one, you laid the dresses out of the bench along the wall. You locked the door before trying to undress yourself. You sucked in a breath and winced as your shoulders screamed at you to not take your shirt off. Biting down on your bottom lip, you pulled your shirt over your head anyway.

Slightly panting in relief, your head feel back and your eyes closes. You were trying to mentally cope with the pain. Taking another deep breath in, and slowly letting it out, you looked down at the dress on top. You lifted it so that you could see the back, revealing a long zipper. You sighed, upset at yourself for not noticing it sooner.

Because of your arthritis, you were unable to reach your back. So you wouldn’t be able to zip up the dress. You lifted it up and looked it over, sighing once again. The dress wouldn’t be able to be slipped over your head either. Putting the dress to the side, you began going over the other dresses in the pile, finding the same issue with them as well. Leaning back against the wall, you slid down it and buried your face in your hands. Why couldn’t you like a dress with a zipper on the side? Or, the bigger question, why do you have to have arthritis?

You began to silently cry and panic slightly. How were you ever going to get a dress and surprise Tony? How were you ever going to be able to go dress shopping alone? There was a slight buzz on your wrist and you knew FRIDAY was sending information on your condition to Bruce and Tony, but you didn’t care at the moment.

You don’t know how long you were sitting on the floor like that before you were interrupted.

“Hey, in there,” Natasha called, knocking on the locked door. “How’s it going?”

“Umm, it’s fine,” you replied, not sounding very convincing.

“Yeah? Find anything yet?”

“Not yet… uh, nothing’s fitting or looking good.”

“Really? Why don’t you show me? Maybe your mind is deceiving you.”

“Thanks, Nat, but I’m good. I think I’m just going to get dressed and go home. I’ll just wear something I already have.”

“Are you sure? I can go grab someth—“

“I’m good, Nat. Really. If you found something, go buy it and I’ll meet you out front.”

“…Okay. Meet you out front.”

~~~

It was painful getting your clothes back on. You could tell that Natasha knew that something was wrong, but wasn’t willing to push you about it. You went straight to your room, locking yourself in the connecting bathroom. You quickly swallowed down some medicine before putting some arthritis rub on your shoulders. Taking a few deep breaths, you tried to touch your hands together behind your back. On hand was going over a shoulder, the other was trying from the lower part of your back. Checking in the mirror, you could see that there was about 5 inches separating your hands from meeting. Tears trickled down your cheeks as you tried to push yourself to make them meet.

“Honey?” Tony’s voice came from the other side of the door, with a slight knock. “Are you okay? FRIDAY’s sending Bruce and I some readings.” Instead of answering, you just let out a strangled sob. “Sweetheart? I’m coming in, okay?” FRIDAY unlocked the door and Tony quickly came in and pulled you into his arms. “What’s going on?”

“I—I can’t—I couldn’t—“

“Hold on, honey, you’re panicking.” He lifted you up so that you were sitting on the counter, and he cupped your face. “Just breathe, Y/N. Just breathe. I’m right here. And when you’re ready, you can tell me what’s going on.”

“I-I couldn’t find a dress.”

“Okay, that’s fine. You can wear something you already have.”

“No.” You shook your head slightly. “I couldn’t find a dress I could put on myself.”

“Oh.” Tony nodded, finally understanding.

“And I just wanted to look nice and surprise you.”

“Honey, you always look nice. Even when you’re dusty and have blood on you after a fight, you’re always the most beautiful person to me.”

“I just wanted to surprise you and I can’t even dress myself!” You slammed a fist against the counter.

“Woah! Honey!” He quickly grabbed your hand and pressed small kisses to it. “Please don’t hurt yourself.”

“Why does it matter? I’m useless anyway, or I will be, sooner than we all want to admit.”

“Stop right there!” Tony held your face so that you had to look at him. “You are not useless, nor will you ever be. Yes, you have your struggles. But you are a fighter and have proven that you aren’t one to give up. Why now?”

“I’m just so tired of it, Tony… I just want to not feel this way anymore… I want to be able to dress myself and not have my joints screaming in pain every time I move. I want to be able to have sex with you and be able to enjoy every single second of it… I want to consider the possibility of maybe having kids, without my joints telling me no… I want to be normal.”

Tony chuckled, rubbing his thumbs against your cheeks. “Honey, there is no such thing as normal. And that is okay. It hurts me to know that you are struggling through all this and that there is so little I can do. But, I will be by your side through whatever you need. You need me to brush your hair and wash your body? I’m there. You need me to make the bed or help you dress? I’m there. You need me to do all the work during sex? I got you. I am here for you, even when the time comes that you may be wheelchair bound. I am not leaving and Bruce and I will not stop trying to find something that eases your pain.”

“I love you, Tony.”

“Love you too.” He pressed a soft kiss on your lips. “Now, how about we go dress shopping again and you let me enjoy helping you into a dress, okay?”

“Okay.”

~~~

Dress shopping with Tony was actually enjoyable. It helped that he was treating you like a queen the whole time. He helped you into each dress, occasionally pressing gentle kisses onto your exposed skin. He praised you in each dress, telling you how gorgeous you looked but that it was up to you whether or not you got the dress. None of the dresses though were calling to you, which wasn’t making you feel much better.

“I have one more idea,” Tony said after you had just said no to the last dress in your fitting room. He quickly unzipped you. “I’ll be right back.”

He rushed out of the small room, leaving you confused. You cringed at you got out of the dress and put it back on the hanger. Hugging your mid section, you stood there, nervously waiting for Tony to return. When he did, he came back with a dress that wasn’t exactly on your list of choices.

“Tony, I don’t know,” you told him, shaking your head a little.

“I know it’s usually not your style, but could you just try it on. For me?”

He knew very well that you had a hard time saying no when he used his big brown eyes and asked like that.

You sighed, “Fine.”

Tony was way too excited to get you into that dress. You let him, just wanting to make him happy, as he was just trying to do with you. You tried not look in the mirror at all as Tony helped you into the dress.

“Done,” he said softly after getting you all zipped up.

You took a deep breath and finally examined yourself in the mirror. You were shocked. Yes, you would have never picked this dress out for yourself, but it was perfect. You looked at Tony in the mirror, who was silent.

“It’s perfect, Tony,” you said softly. “Absolutely perfect.”

He carefully wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his chin on your shoulder. He smirked as he made eye contact with you in the mirror.

“No,” he responded at the same volume. “You’re perfect.”

Notes: Again, every experiences arthritis differently. This is just a sample on how I feel it. Thank you for reading and your support! If you enjoyed this please check out these:

My Superhero - Steve Rogers x Reader

Purple - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Here’s a sneak peak of more of my work to come:

2 - Out Of Time: Morgan Stark x Mom!Reader x Dad!Tony Stark

3 - Avengers x Teen!Reader

4 - Out Of Time: Uncle!Steve Rogers x Niece!Morgan Stark

5 - Tony Stark x Reader

6 - Bucky Barnes x Plus Size!Reader

7 - Sam Wilson x Reader

8 - Bucky Barnes x Patella Alta!Reader

9 - Tony Stark x Autistic!Reader

10 - Tony Stark x Reader

I also have more arthritis/autoimmune disease fics to come as well. So follow me to read more!

#tony stark #tony stark x reader #tony stark imagine #Tony Stark fanfiction #avengers x reader #the avengers x reader #marvel imagine #marvel imagines #iron man x reader #iron man imagine #tony stark x arthritis!reader #chronic illness reader #marvel x reader

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barry-j-blupjeans · 3 years

Note

Blupjeans and 5!!!

5. “are you flirting with me?”

(general/fluff prompt list - accepting!!)

((sometimes u just wrote 1k+ of blupjeans and their mental illnesses and that's ok))

If Barry was being honest, he had never been the best at keeping his thoughts to himself at inopportune times. It got better, with the ADHD pills. Today, unfortunately, he had forgotten to take them. Along with the rest of his meds. Today was a mess. He had been staring at his lab work for the last fifteen minutes, while Lup worked on something next to him. His mind was- wondering, at best, focusing on Lup, at worse.

Lup was so- gods, she was the best. Barry didn't have many friends before Lup and her brother showed up. To be honest, he didn't have many friends after they showed up, either, but once they had gotten past their differences, Barry had never met someone he liked more. Friendship-wise and, well, romantically.

Barry was- he was a walking disaster, in his humble opinion. Half the time he was running late to school, the other half he was there so early that school didn't start for at least a few hours. He was a good student, he had decent grades and he could function pretty well by himself most of the time. He liked to stay after school because getting work done at home just wasn't the same. He couldn't motivate himself there.

Most of his friends opted to go home. Lup liked to stay sometimes. Barry liked Lup. It all worked out.

He had thought... okay, well, he had thought he was being subtle about it. He thought he had been able to keep his act together pretty well, despite the fact he had had a crush on Lup for the last five years. Or more. Probably more.

His friends had broken the news... not so gently to him a few months ago. Meaning that Taako had literally hit him in the head with a book when he tried to bluff his way through "not liking Lup" and Magnus hadn't stopped laughing for a whole thirty minutes when he had insisted Lup "didn't like him back".

She did. Apparently. According to Lucretia and Magnus and Taako, who probably knew her the best out of all of them. Then he spent another thirty minutes listening to Taako bemoaning about having to put up with Lup's crush on Barry. Their little meeting had ended with them insisting that he make some kind of move with her because she probably wouldn't reject him.

He got word from Magnus that they had had the same exact conversation with Lup, too. They were both "too fucking stupid" to make a move on each other, though. Barry assured him that they would talk.

It had been... nearly six months.

And he forgot his ADHD pills today.

"Are you flirting with me?" Barry asked, breaking the silence of the otherwise empty lab room. Lup looked up from her work (AP physics, maybe-?) and stared at him. It took Barry's brain a second to catch up with what he had just said.

"Not right now!" he rushed on. "I- fuck, uh, I- okay, so. Taako and- they talked to me. A while ago and were like, "Hey, Barry, stop being so fucking dumb about liking Lup!" and I was like, "hey, that's none of your business!" and then Taako said you liked me too, but I was just like, y'know, that's Taako just trying to get me to do something stupid for- for a joke.

But they've all been like- weirdly insistent on it? Even Lucretia, who, uh- I don't think she or Magnus would do anything mean-spirited like this, most of the time, which makes me think they're being serious- not that Taako is mean spirited, he's just more-" Lup was staring at him. "...eccentric. With how he shows affection. Sorry."

Lup... wasn't staying anything. The grip she had on her pencil had loosened considerably and he watched as it fell onto her paper. He swallowed tight, panic seizing up in his chest. This was maybe- okay, this wasn't the best way to talk about it, yeah. She was- Fuck, okay, he-

"Sorry," Barry said, looking away finally, even though it still feel like her eyes were burning through him. "Right, sorry, I, uh, I should go, and-"

"Barry, wait," she said and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry. He also didn't take his anxiety meds this morning. What was the point of his fucking pill caddy if he didn't remember to take his pills-

"You're not fucking with me, are you?" she asked. "You really- uhm. You like me too?"

"Yeah," Barry choked out, eyes still shut. Was his heart pounding because of anxiety, or the tension, or- "I should go," he said again, standing up. He stood up, eyes trained to the ground, and Lup caught his arm.

"Deep breaths," she said and Barry sucked in a one that maybe was too deep. She let him sit back down, hand going from holding his wrist to holding his hand. He was sweating. Was that gross? That was probably gross.

"I forgot my pills this morning," Barry said, trying to make it sound like a joke.

"I know," Lup said. "You said during lunch. Babe- Barry, just focus on your breathing, okay?"

"Okay," Barry said, doing that. He shut his eyes again, but his mind was still jumping up and down at the fact that Lup was holding his hand. He didn't know why, she had held his hand many times before, especially when he was anxious. It was just- it was different now after he had actually confessed to her. Did she feel required to do this? He didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Barry asked, finally, finally looking at her. She was looking at him, too, carefully. That was her Thinking Face. Barry swallowed.

"No," she said. "I'm processing some things."

"Sorry," Barry started.

"No because of you," she assured him. "Well, I mean- it has to do with you, but in a good way. Taako told me that I was being stupid about... not telling you that I liked you. Because you liked me too? And I was being dumb?"

"You like me too?" Barry repeated. Lup let out a little breathless laugh, nodding.

"Yeah," she said, squeezing his hands.

"You're not fucking with me?" Barry asked, just to make sure. She smiled at him like the sun.

"Never with something like this, babe, I promise," Lup said. "I was... nervous. About telling you. Like I'm confident and badass and stuff-"

"Yeah," Barry agreed.

"But still got this little friend called abandonment issues, so, y'know- it's- it's hard to like... talk about feelings with people. Even if I know they probably won't, uh. Do anything bad, on purpose."

"I- I might screw up sometimes," Barry said honestly because it was true. "I'm trying my best to not fuck things up, I promise, but I... really like you, Lup."

"I really like you too, Barry," Lup said. "Can I- I don't know if I wanna, uhm. Y'know. Kiss you yet. But can we... try a date. Maybe?"

"If you want!" Barry said. "I- whenever's good with me, I just- I mean, preferably on a day when I remember to take my meds, but-"

"Yeah," Lup said. "Yeah, of course, babe, just- I'll text you the dets, later. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Barry said. "That's- that's great, yeah!"

"And can we... not tell anyone yet," Lup said, finally looking away from him. "I mean, like- I don't want to fuck things up and then have to tell everyone everything went badly. Not that I think it'll go badly."

"No, I- I get that," Barry said, nodding. He squeezed her hand. His heart was doing a little dance in his chest. "I really do, Lup, I understand. We can talk about like... conditions and stuff now, or-?"

"On the date," Lup said, "would be better, I think. I've still got math shit to figure out."

She looked over at her homework with disdain. Barry's brain kicked back into gear.

"Oh yeah," he said, looking down at the genetics worksheet he had. "I- this slipped my mind, my bad."

#lup #barry bluejeans #blupjeans #mine #asks #sgrumby #ise cube writing #ft barry and lup with literally every mental illness I have /j

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sunaswife · 3 years

Text

Summary: It’s been five years since you’ve seen your ex, Rin. He’s still not over you and you’re not over him. When he finds out you have children he thought he didn’t have a chance. Then he finds out they’re his? All of a sudden you’re teaching Suna how to be a single dad.

🔪: THIS CHAPTER WILL CONTAIN AN ATTEMPTED SUICIDE SCENE PLEASE BE ADVISED IF YOU CHOOSE TO NOT READ THEN SKIP THE ITALICS AND START READING AGAIN WITH THE REGULAR FONT

Warnings: Fluff, angst I guess, drama, and cuteness twin overload

Previously Up Next Masterlist

Chapter Ten

“Don’t worry I will save the princess and the queen!” Rini yelled with a paper towel sword. “Rawr!!!” Rin sat on his knees and flared his arms. “Oh no save us!” Akira yelled and you both stayed huddled on the couch. “I’m going to eat the princess and the queen.” Rin growled and attack Rini. Rini fell on his back and Rin began tickling his son.

Rini immediately began laughing and thrashing around under his dad and you were trying to tell them to be careful so Rini wouldn’t pee on himself. “See mom, boys are useless.” Akira muttered and stood up on the couch. Before you can scold her she hopped on Rin’s back and began pulling his hair. “Bad dragon don’t tickle the knight!” She huffed and began smack. “Oww, what the fuck—“ Rin hissed and gripped Akiras shoulders. He flipped her and made her land on her back (gently) and began tickling her as well.

Akira’s laugh filled the living room and Rini was trying to catch his breath. “Mom save us!” Akira yelled. “Jesus Christ.” You sighed and did exactly what Akira did. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your chest rubbed his back. He froze and Akira caught her breath. She lifted her legs and with her feet pushed him back and Rin lost his balance. You fell back and Rin landed right on top of you. “Ow..” you mumbled and rubbed your head. “I’m sorry.” Rin groaned and turned, his face rested right between your breasts. He slowly lifted himself and he looked at your chest. He looked up at your face and saw the embarrassment. “Holy shit I’m sorry!” He said and immediately pulled away.

“It’s okay. Sorry for landing on your back.” You muttered and he held out his hand, you grabbed it and he pulled you up. “Mommy and daddy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Your kids sang and you scowled. “Come on, time for bed.” You immediately said and they began to whine. “No cuz then daddy’s gonna leave.” Akira whined. “No arguing. It’s late and momma and I need to have a talk.” He said and carried them both.

He walked them to their room and began tucking them in. They kept protesting that they didn’t want him to leave but he said that he had to and it was final. He was going to come back and see them anyways.

A crying fest began and it took almost an hour for them to calm down and eventually they knocked out due to exhaustion. Finally you and Rin sighed and closed the door to their room. “I can’t believe you did that for five years already.” Rin said and rubbed his shoulder. “I need to see a chiropractor.” You muttered, “me too.” He replied. You made your way to the kitchen and took out a wine cooler, “want one?” You asked, he nodded and you tossed it and he caught it.

“I’m gonna need like four of these.” You said and Rin snorted. “You bet.” He sighed and you both got comfortable on the couch. “Where do i start?” Rin hummed. “Post breakup...?” You suggested and he nodded. “Once upon a time—“ he started and you nudged him with your foot. “I’m your ex not your kid.” You said and he chuckled.

“Alright. So it started when—“

“Sweetie please talk to us..” Rintarou’s mother knocked on her sons door. “I’m fine.” Rin spat out. “Just leave me alone.” He said as he held the pig plush in his arms. “Rintarou I’m worried. Please.” His mother begged. “What do you want me to say?!” He raised his voice causing his mother’s eyes to widened.

He’s never ever raised his voice at her. “The girl that I love left me. How am I supposed to feel?! I don’t have anyone anymore!” He cried. “Sweetie she’s your first love, of course it’ll hurt but—“ “She’s my only love! Don’t you get it! I don’t want to be with anyone but her. She was my rock, she was there when nobody else was. She supported me and inspired me to be better and now she’s gone.” He sobbed and squeeze the pig plush.

He saw the photo of you and him smiling by his bed and his chest tightened. “You fucking idiot!” He yelled at himself. He threw the plush and grabbed his wallet from his desk. He opened the door and his mom was standing there looking at her son in shock.

“Rintarou—you’re out. Are you hungr—“ “I’ll be back in a few days.” He told her. “Wait what? Why—Rintarou I know you’re heartbroken but you’ll find someone who will truly love you and appreciate—“ “Don’t you get it you old hag?! She loved me and appreciated me! But I ruined it! I ruined everything!” He neared his mom causing her to take a step back.

His eyes widened and he saw the fear in his own mother’s eyes. “Mom I—“

Slap

“I’m sick and tired of you being stupid! She’s gone. She doesn’t want you. Just move on. It won’t be easy but you’ll get over her eventually.” She told her son and he wiped his face with his sleeve. “I’m going to Miyagi and I’m going to find her.” He had decided, “With what money Rintarou? That’s a day long trip.” His mother asked.

He looked at her and she shook her head, “I’m not giving you money to see your little ex girlfriend just for you to come back even more depressed.” She told him and he rolled his eyes and slammed his bedroom door.

His mother sighed.

That night she got into a fight with her husband. “Rintarou is severely depressed and he’s having mood swings over some girl!” She hissed and his dad sighed. “My love, he’ll get over her eventually. He just needs his space—“ Rintarou’s parents were both interrupted by banging on their front door. They looked at eachother confused and his dad went to answer.

When he opened the door he was met with the gray haired twin. “Osamu hi..what brings you here—“ “Where is Rin?” He immediately asked and pushed through them. “What do you mean, he’s in his room.” Rin’s father said. “Excuse me.” Osamu quickly panted as he ran up the stairs. It was incredible disrespectful to barge in unannounced and without taking off your shoes but he wanted to make sure that his best friend was okay.

He found Rin’s door and tried the door knob. “Leave me alone!” Rin’s voice cracked as he tried to open the new pain meds his mother bought. “Rin listen to me, open the door. Please.” Osamu begged. “Osamu whats the meaning of this?” Rin’s father automatically asked. “Rin open the door.” Osamu repeated. Everyone else was muted from his mind his watery eyes and shaking hand made it hard for him to open the pill bottle.

He didn’t answer and Osamu’s heart stopped. He took a few steps back, then rammed his shoulder in the door. Rin flinched and turned to see his door slightly cracked. Osamu winced at the pain and he stepped back once more instead of his shoulder he lifted his leg to kick and he tried breaking it once more.

“Fuck Fuck Fuck.” Suna muttered as he kept his struggle. Finally the pill bottle cap unscrewed and his eyes widened. He held the pills in his palm and he put his head back to swallow. Even if he chokes trying to swallow the dry pills it doesn’t matter. He grabbed his water bottle, the one you put stickers all over and he drank as much as his throat could take.

It hurt swallowing down those pills, his throat burned and it felt like he was being cut from the inside. From the corner of his eye the door bursted open and came in Osamu with Suna’s poor weeping mother being held by her husband, his father. “Are you a fucking idiot?!” The gray haired twin screamed and immediately pulled Suna to his side. “Call 119 NOW!” Osamu yelled. “Leave me alone Samu—“ “Like hell I will! What would Y/N think if she find out you did this?!” He yelled. Tears filled his eyes and he could barley see his best friend. Rin stayed quiet and his gaze shifted passed Osamu’s shoulder.

“Y/N...what are you doing here?” Suna whispered and Osamu saw Suna’s eyes next to him. “What do you mean I’m stupid? I just feel so lonely... I said I was sorry. But you didn’t want to listen.” Suna began to cry once more and Osamu hugged him. “It’s gonna be okay. Please stay with me Rin.”

“Oh my god.” You cried, “I’m so sorry.” You apologized. “Hey hey it’s okay. I’m fine now.” Suna smiled softly and held you in his arms. “You could have been dead because of me.” You smacked his chest. Even in tears You looked so beautiful.

“In all honesty it was my fault to begin with. I shouldn’t have played with your heart. And when you left, it broke my heart. And I desperately wanted to get it back. I guess it showed how much I loved you.”

“How much I still love you.” He said softly.

“Rin you’re insane.” You wiped your eyes. “And what happened after?” You asked. “Well I had a dream about you and you seemed disappointed in the actions and state I was in. So I decided to try to be better than I was before. So that eventually you can take me back. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m a bit more social.” He joked and your heart swelled.

“In all honesty you were my motivation out of my depression. Sometimes I still get episodes and it sucks but I’ve been fine for a while now.” He admitted. “So you literally did a 180 just for..me?” You hiccuped. “Yeah. I love you. Always have and always will.” He looked into your eyes hopefully.

“Do you want to move in?” You asked and his eyes widened. “You want me to move in?” He asked. “Well how else are we gonna raise two kids? Our schedules are always changing. It makes sense to just live together.” You said and he nodded.

“Does that mean we can like share a room and cuddle like last night?”

“No.”

🔪: I know this was a lot but I wanted it to end a little positively

🏷: @therealwalmartjesus @differentballooncollection @aaesuki @atsunflower @dope-squish @prettysetterboiss @june-phantom @tomo-uwu @austriasmariazelle @xrnia @katsulia @aprettyfruit @shut-your-eyes-kiss-me-goodbye @tvbiio @sun-daddy-yoriichi @kamenoyaki @ppangiiroo @loeyprivvv @kmskj92 @lovinnoya @sarahvvictoria @tris-does-stuff @mokkeguts @sunaluvr6969 @bara-rose-would @sempiternal-amour @volleybloop @leykyuu @bokutoichigo @stfucanunot @iloveanime691 @tpwkatsumu @ohrintarou @shoutosimp @mqrinqcele @bokutosdivineass @anngelllla @toworuu @hidden-otaku-stuff @seijohiselite @caxsthetic @aquariarose @hhwanggu @bakuhoetoedoroki @yoozuku @osamus-onigiri @akaashi-todorki @donica95 @kakaokenma @airheadpillar

#haikyuu suna #suna rintarou fluff #suna rintarō #suna x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #miya atsumu #miya osamu #Akira and Rini #your everything #Inarizaki

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obeymebabes · 4 years

Note

Hewwo! Can I request for an Hc about an Mc who is asthmatic and how would the demon bros react to it? It really sucks whenever I start getting my asthma attack (though it is rare for to get it) Thank you!! 💕

Oh you poor soul. I used to have asthma as a child and thankfully grew out if it. Asthma attacks are so hard.

I once had one at school and had to be rushed to the hospital. Very not fun. -10/10 wouldn't recommend.

Lucifer

Seeing that he picked you for the program, he knew about your minor setback.

He kept second guessing on if he should put you through the stress of coming to Devildom in the first place.

Clearly he went through with it anyway.

He was very prepared.

He cleaned literally everything, even telling the brothers to be mindful of themselves.

Lucifer also made sure he had an inhaler on him at all times just incase things got to that point.

Mammon

Lucifer had mentioned it to him once before but he obviously isn't one to listen very well.

He would probably accidentally and unintentionally do something that would trigger an asthma attack.

When you coughed and wheezed and gasped for air he would immediately panic.

Would literally scoop you up and sprint down the hall to Lucifer, which obviously didn't help your situation at all.

Mammon was stuck on cleaning duty for a while, and learned to always have something on him just incase.

He would follow you around everywhere, ready to be there to save you.

Levi

Once learning about your breathing issue he was absolutely terrified of doing any harm.

This dude cleaned EVERYTHING.

But he lowkey enjoyed it because now all of his Ruri-Chan figures looked all shiny brand new again.

Was very mindful of you.

He brought in an extra chair so when you would game in his room you weren't on the floor stirring up any dust.

He wasn't the best person to have around during a situation like an asthma attack.

Absolute pure shutdown panic.

You were the one to actually take action.

He just thought you were dying.

Satan

Once Lucifer mentioned it, he read up on it to know how to be prepared.

Boy oh boy was he prepared.

He never actually let you in his room though, fearing that the mess of books and dust would trigger an asthma attack.

You forgot about it once and entered anyway.

This was the moment he had been preparing for.

Basically swooped in like a hero to help.

Pulled you out of the room, had you up straight, helped you focus on breathing slowly, handed you some hot tea he had been drinking, and just tried to keep you calm.

Always had an inhaler and haunted you about taking your meds.

Asmo

Unfortunately this boy was kinda forgetful.

He would still wear unbearable amounts of perfume.

He was always sure to stay very clean though.

After reminding him, he did make an attempt to wear less perfume.

In the case of an asthma attack he would honestly panic a bit, he wasn't trained on this stuff!

Probably screaming for Lucifer.

He would at least be very comforting and try to help in any way he could.

Beel

He would have you explain it a few times before he fully understood.

Very cautious with you after he finally got the idea.

Definitely makes sure you are okay and is always checking on you.

When he noticed your breathing getting heavier he would be sure to remove you from the situation and hand you an inhaler he had taken from Lucifer.

He once tried your inhaler just to see what it was like.

He also thought it would taste good.

It wasn't totally unpleasant.

He was very confused. Made him feel a little tingly.

Belphie

He wasn't fully aware of the situation.

After all, he didn't know much about you in the first place.

Dozing in and out of a sleepy daze when you start coughing and gasping.

He immediately snapped awake and checked on you.

Comforting you as much as possible.

He did have a bit of a flashback to when thst whole "incident" happened, and panic set in.

When you assured him that you were okay and just needed to breathe and remove yourself from whatever was causing the flare up he understood and went with you.

After that he carried an extra inhaler around everywhere for you, just like his pillow.

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avelera · 3 years

Note

Hi! I love going through your ADHD tag. A lot of it is so informative but I like reading your personal experiences and seeing that I'm not the only one feeling the way I am. So, thank you for putting that out there! I had a question for you regarding the diagnosis of ADHD and, please if you feel uncomfortable or don't want to answer, please feel free to just ignore this! For over 5-6 years, I've been quite sure that I have ADHD. However, in the past (and currently, actually) I haven't been in a position to seek out a therapist or get a diagnosis. I've also heard it's really expensive to get a diagnosis. Would you be okay with talking about how you found someone to talk to about a potential diagnosis and what the process of getting a diagnosis looks like? I found some stuff online but it's been pretty vague and generally along the lines of "it differs on a case-by-case basis." Thank you, again, for the tag and for all the stuff you write! <3

Hey there Anon! Happy to share my experience.

Ok, so here's the privileges I had which might mitigate the value of my advice in some situations but 1) I'm in the US (specifically, the northeast) where ADHD is taken pretty seriously and while not spoken of openly in all professional circles, getting a diagnosis in most cases doesn't run up against cultural taboos that would prevent treatment 2) I have health insurance through my job and 3) I was in a position to seek therapy when I got my diagnosis for unrelated life stuff. It was the therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist who got me meds and later I found this AMAZING psychiatrist in my area who helped me work through multiple medications until I found the right fit (however, she had a 4 month waitlist before I could work with her. Worth it! But I had an ongoing prescription during that time, I just wasn't sure it was the right one).

Gonna cut here to go into more specifics:

- I was diagnosed when I mentioned to my therapist (while pretty much shaking with fear that I would look like some kind of amphetamine addict looking for a fix or a kid looking for party drugs) that I kinda sorta maybe had ADHD destroying my life and she basically went, "Oh yeah, that's been obvious since Day 1 when you wouldn't look me in the eye while speaking." So... lol, basically you're probably not nearly as subtle as you think to a trained professional if you have it.

- When I dared to ask if she could help me get medication her response was, "Yeah, sure, here's a number, call them and tell them I sent you as a referral." It was that difficult.

- That person kinda sucked and there's a bunch of annoying bureaucracy BUT when I mentioned this to my general practitioner doctor he was like "If they suck I can hold you over with prescriptions until you find a new person." No, he did not question me. Literally no actual medically trained person I've ever spoken to has shown any concern that I might be lying or faking or whatever, they've all be scrupulously helpful and even apologetic at all the hoops.

- The first time I tried Adderall I had a near out-of-body experience with how easy life suddenly became. Fear of emails just melted away. I got a week's worth of work that had been HAUNTING me done in an afternoon. HOWEVER, that level of euphoria only happened the one time, and that's pretty universal that you'll cry with relief the first time you use it then if you don't get the right medication you will chase that high incorrectly. For me, the correct medication turned out to be extended-release, 25 mg (relatively low) generic adderall and this is after a year of the "fancier" Vyvanse that was supposed to be smoother (and it was, compared to single release adderall which made me want to chew nails I was so stressed).

- The downside with ANY single release for me though, it turned out (even relatively smooth Vyvanse) was that when I crashed at the end of the day I absolutely craved alcohol, or sugar, some kind of pick-me-up. I thought I was an alcoholic. I was legit scared by how bad I needed alcohol at the end of the day, until I switched to slow release and the cravings just melted away. I still like drinking but the craving went away once I was no longer crashing and I've been so much better since.

- My advice to people is: if your circumstances don't preclude you (financially, culturally, etc.) drop a few inquiries to psychiatrists in your area. They will not laugh at you. They will not report you. Just say you think you have ADHD and you'd like professional help seeing if your self-diagnosis is correct and getting medication if so (which is why you need a psychiatrist, not a therapist. Therapists can't necessarily get you a prescription). Every medical professional I've worked with has been enormously helpful and understanding, your brain is lying to you when it says you're going to get arrested or something for just asking. That is dumb. That is desperation-brain, not reality.

Put out a few requests so if someone is overloaded or busy you have backups. You will have to do a couple scary professional emails or calls, maybe speak to your insurance, but I PROMISE you it is worth it. The light at the end of the tunnel is you have to do this one scary thing but the reward is this thing will never be scary again after.

And it is totally, totally worth it.

#adhd

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dreadpoetssociety · 4 years

Text

Hi, Mom!

TW: Abuse

Request: could you write spencer x sister and it’s when he brings his mom back home with him and it’s just pretty much about that. also how diana hits reid once maybe she hits the sister too or instead?? love your work!!

Note: PLEASE read this. I do not know much about schizophrenia and such, and I am in no way saying that anyone with the conditions that this character has in the show is always like this or anything. I just based it off the show (where this has happened before with Diana Reid) and this request, and tried my best not to stigmatize her condition. Also, I’m sorry I’m taking so long on these requests, I’m kinda having a hard time right now, but I’m trying my best!! I hope you enjoy!!!

()()()()()()

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Sister!Reader

It wasn’t very often that you would go with Spencer to visit your mother. As awful as you knew that was, you just couldn’t handle it. Watching her sit there, not know where she is sometimes, who she is sometimes, so many other things, just tore you apart. Having to see her be afraid of things that weren’t really there that you could never truly comprehend enough to help her, combined with her recent diagnosis of early onset Dementia. But mostly, you afraid of experiencing what it would be like for your own mother to forget her own daughter, or at least recognize the difference between her and a hallucination. Granted, you did understand that seeing her less and less would probably make that situation more likely to happen, but you just could never bring yourself to do it. Visiting her just reminded you constantly that you were very literally watching someone fade away, but not seeing her made you scared that you might miss some chances with your mother that you could have experienced with her irregardless of her condition. There were always times here and there where she wasn’t having an episode, and for a short while she was either able to control or differentiate or however it was that it worked and you were able to make some nice memories, but there were also times where this wasn’t the case. It wasn’t at all that she scared you in any way, because so many people see paranoid schizophrenia and automatically think the worst, it was just that it hurt to see her struggle and know you could only do so much to help. But of course, her condition didn’t just effect her in a way that she just saw things like so many people just seem to believe, it effected her behavior, her way of organizing her thoughts, and so much more. It was deeper than just that.

After a very long, and very heart breaking conversation with your brother, you agreed that it would benefit the both of you to maybe have your mother come visit for a few days anyway. She could get some new scenery for a few days and you could both spend the time with her and help her if need be. So when Spencer finally walked through the door with your mother holding his arm, you actually felt relieved. There she was, smiling at you.

“Oh, Y/N, how good it is to see you.” Diana greeted. You physically felt a weight lifted off your chest. All this worry all this time and everything was okay, relatively.

“Hi, Mom!” you said excitedly, hugging her. She smiled and put an arm around your back. You both had let go after a few seconds and Reid showed your mother to the couch.

“Y/N, could you just grab the bag I left at the door for me, please?” Spencer asked. You walked over to the door and picked up a hunter green bag, and peeking inside of it you noticed all the meds and necessary things your mother would need. Your smile faded for a moment, but you placed the bag on the table next to the door. You walked back towards the couches that faced each other and sat on the one opposite of your mother.

“What have you been up to, Mom?” you asked, trying to strike up conversation.

“Oh you know.” she replied, “I want to hear about you! How’s my baby been?” you and Spencer looked at each other for a moment, remembering your little run in with an unsub a few months ago that left you with night terrors and panic attacks and so on, but you very quickly decided that wasn’t something she really needed to know about yet.

“Good.” you replied, “Boring, I guess. Going to work, just got out of school. Typical teenage things.” you chuckled, fakely, of course.

“That’s great, honey. Where are you working?” Diana asked.

“I work at the restaurant nearby, and at the grocery store.”

“You have two jobs?”

“Yeah, I’m trying to save up for a car, and college, I guess.” you said.

“And overworking yourself while you’re at it.” Spencer chimed in.

“Not really, I enjoy working.”

“Well, just make sure to not stress yourself out too much.” your mother smiled.

You talked for a while longer, catching up, and a few hours later your mother was sound asleep. You and Spencer were in the kitchen area making dinner for the three of you together.

“Not so bad, right?” he asked you with a smile.

“Yeah. I was just anxious, I guess.”

“I understand,” he replied, “I hope you feel better about it now. Mom talks about wanting to see you all the time, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. I should apologize to her. It’s just sad to know she’s suffering sometimes.” you sighed, “But that’s what we’re here for right? She took care of us for so long despite her issues, so it’s only cool of us to return the favor.”

“Right.” Spence grinned and patted your head, “Dinner is almost ready, why don’t you get her up and ask if she wants to eat with us.”

“Alright.”

You took off your cooking apron and folded it, then placed it into one of the drawers beneath the countertop. You turned the faucet on real quick, with warm water, and washed any food off your hands. You dried them off and headed towards the couch where Diana was sleeping. You put a hand on her shoulder and very gently move her shoulder.

“Hey, Mom, wake up. Are you hungry?” her eyes opened, and suddenly widened.

“Who are you?” she yelled, which quickly grabbed Spencer’s attention, and he realized then that having you do that was a mistake, and he should’ve handled your mother instead.

“Mom, it’s your daughter, Y/N.” you said, anxiously hoping she’d remember.

“You’re not my daughter.” she cried out.

“Y/N-“ Spencer began, but was quickly cut off by an unexpected sound. You felt your cheek start to sting. You froze for a second before slowly standing up straight and backing up, with tears having started to well up in your eyes. You put your hand on the area where your own mother had just hit you. You knew full heartedly that it wasn’t her fault, and you didn’t blame her at all, and she just didn’t recognize you and thought she was in danger, but still. This was the exact thing you were worried about. Your mother was still upset, and Spencer went to her first, understandably. You just stood there in shock.

“Mom, Mom, it’s Spencer, you’re okay.” you heard in the background, and heard the sigh of relief from Diana as she saw him.

“Thank God, that girl was trying to say she was my daughter. I think she was trying to hurt me.” and from there, you blocked everything out, and just headed towards your room. You decided you weren’t hungry, and just laid in your bed, facing the wall. And you just laid there. You weren’t sure for how long.

Spencer eventually knocked at your door, to which you just ignored, but he came in anyway.

“Y/N, are you okay?” he asked.

“She hit me, Spence. She didn’t even know who I was.” you whispered. He sighed to himself and sat at the end of your bed.

“Y/N, I know it’s hard. She’s done it to me, too.”

“She has?” you turned your body around to face him, “Why didn’t you say anything.”

“I try not to think much about it. Y/N, these things can happen sometimes. But you have to know that Mom doesn’t mean it. She can’t help it.” he explained, “This isn’t all the time, though. You know that. We’ve talked about stigmas revolving around this before.”

“I know it’s not her fault. I know it doesn’t happen all the time or with everyone, but it still sucks. It’s not even the fact that she hit me, just that she didn’t recognize me.” you cried. He hugged you tightly for a moment.

“I know.” was all he said to you. You knew that this didn’t happen for everyone, and that it did for select few, and on occasion your mother just had bad days, but you loved her. She was your mother. After sitting with Spencer for a while, you composed yourself, and felt better about what had happened. You walked back out of your room to see Diana at the dinner table, smiling.

“Hey, Y/N. Why don’t you eat with us?” she asked. You nodded and sat down next to her, and her smile faded, “Why’s your cheek all red, did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened.” you smiled. You figured it was best for now not to tell her about it, “Let’s eat.”

Diana was mostly alright for the rest of her visit, and you had an amazing time with her. You decided from then on that you would visit her more regularly, and that even hough what you had initially been afraid of happened, that you wouldn’t just think the worst like so many other people do. You knew in your heart that she loved you and Spencer, and you knew that it wasn’t an all-time thing, and hell, maybe it would never even happen again. You hugged her as she left.

“I’ll see you soon, Mom.” you smiled.

“I hope so, my baby.” she put a hand on your face, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

#spencer reid #spencer reid x sister reader #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #diana reid

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narashikari · 3 years

Text

Just a couple of thoughts

So, a couple of days ago I mentioned on my askblog that I was pretty worried for one of my best friends which is why I haven’t been so up to doing it the past few days.

Well... the day I posted that, I got the news that her father passed away. I literally woke up that morning, way before my alarm clock was supposed to go off, and was about to go back to sleep when she messaged our group chat about it. I was the first of us to see it.

Quite frankly, she wasn’t doing well, as one would expect. She couldn’t keep anything down, she told us, and hadn’t slept either. She’s trying to power through with vitamins alone which I know isn’t gonna be enough.

And worse... her dad died of COVID-19. Which means my best friend had most definitely been exposed, as well as her sickly mother and her younger brother. Hence why I was so worried for her.

I got up from bed and broke the news to my parents (and wasn’t it ironic that they were celebrating their 27th wedding anniversary that day...) I told them about my worries over her, and... well...

Honestly, their advice was bullshit. Especially my mom’s. Which was surprising, considering that not long ago we were in my friend’s shoes, when my grandmother- my mom’s mom- died.

My mom told me that I had to tell her to stay strong for the sake of her remaining family.

I can’t tell her that. Not me, of all people. Because I tried that and it sucks. It sucks so fucking bad.

No one told me to do that when my grandmother died, but I felt compelled to, nonetheless. Seeing my strong-willed mother in such a state... I kind of went into survival mode, myself. I couldn’t bring myself to cry even though I wanted to so badly. Even though I was grieving, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it, not to anyone, because I didn’t want my grief to add to theirs.

I still can’t find the heart to tell my mother that I’ve mourned my grandmother already.

It sucked. It still sucks.

I just... I can’t do that to her. Not when she has to be strong for the rest of her life now. Now that she has to be the one to put her brother through med school, and take care of her mom when she gets sick, and make sure her grandparents are taken care of too. Not when she has to bury her dad, who I’ve met only twice but I thought highly of because he was the one who raised her.

If there was one time in her whole life she was allowed to be weak it should be this.

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buckyscrystalqueen · 4 years

Text

The Resistant Omega: Part 3

Pairings: Omega!Mickey Milkovich x Male Alpha!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, homophobia???

Word Count: 3,287

Part 1 / Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well look-ie here, boys. It’s the Queen fucking fairy himself.” Terry Milkovich yelled as loud as he could not a second after you walked into the Alibi like you did every Friday night. “How you doin, fairy?”

“Leave it.” You growled as you headed over to the bar. You purposely ignored Mickey in the corner and pulled your wallet from your pocket.

“Usual, (Y/N)?” Kate asked as she started grabbing cups.

“You know it, baby girl.” She blushed, and looked away as you put a fifty on the bar.

“I still don’t know how you fucking do it, man.” Your friend, Sam said as he leaned on the bar next to you. “You have them wrapped around your fucking fingers.”

“No, not at all.” You teased with a glance over at him. “My cock, maybe.” He laughed and punched your arm as you blew a kiss at Kate and grabbed your glass. You grabbed your usual table in the far corner as Jax started to wrack the balls on the pool table.

“So I got word down the line.” Sam said softly as you grabbed a cue from the holder on the wall. “New box coming out of the North in the next five beats.”

“Where’s it coming out of?”

“New York.”

“What’s the haul?” You asked as you got chalk on your hand.

“There’s no manifest.” Jax muttered as he reached in front of you to grab a cue, too. “So there’s no guarantee….”

“Then we don’t fucking touch it.” You said flatly as you stepped around him and grabbed your beer. “We don’t fucking take runs we aren’t sure of. That’s how we get fucking caught, or how we end up with shit we can’t dump.”

“Dude… we are getting low…” Jax tried as you grabbed the cue ball and set it down on the table where you wanted it.

“Then we get low.” You growled as you looked up at him. You glanced down at the table and made your shot before standing up to look at him. “Do you think I don’t fucking plan for this shit, dumbass? Really? I’ve been thirty steps ahead of you for fucking years and you still haven’t fucking caught up. I have fucking pipe everywhere. We don’t need some manifest-less crap shot. Now far fucking be it from me to tell you what the fuck to do, Jax because I am not your Goddamn keeper. You wanna take the fucking run, go right on ahead. But shit coming outta New York with an unknown fucking manifest could mean Pfizer or it could be fucking Johnson and Johnson baby soap. So get me a fucking manifest or shut the fuck up about it. Sam, play.”

“What fucking pipe do you have?” Jax hissed as you pulled your cigarettes out of your pocket and habitually scanned the room for assholes and eavesdroppers alike.

“The kind that you don’t need to fucking worry about until I tell you you need to fucking worry about them.”

“You know, you really are a fucking asshole.”

“Yea, story of my fucking life.” You grumbled around your cigarette as you lined up for your next shot. “Much easier being a fucking asshole than tolerating the fucking bullshit in the fucking world.”

“Don’t get fucking married then.” He chuckled as he subtly sold some pills to one of the bar regulars, Kermit. “You have to be a fucking asshole and deal with the fucking bullshit.”

“That’s why you don’t get fuckin’ married.” You laughed as you walked around the table. “Problem fucking solved, bitch.”

“You hear that, Joey? The faggot thinks it can get married.” You glanced over and ducked Joey’s fist, but Terry’s caught you right in the middle of the stomach. Your beer glass shattered to the floor as you slammed into the wall behind you.

“Kev!” Kate screeched as you ducked Terry’s next punch while Sam tackled Joey to the floor to keep the fight even. Your claws almost literally came out as you slammed your fist into his face with the full intention of breaking every fucking bone in the man’s face not for your sake, but for Mickey’s.

“Alright, alright. Get him up!” Kev yelled as Terry managed to get a solid hit to your jaw.

“Fucking fag!” He shouted at you as Jax dragged you back away from the fight.

“Oh, it’s OK, Terry.” You taunted with a wide, bloody grin. “I know you fucking wish you could be sucking my cock tonight, mother fucker.”

“You sick fuck!” He shouted as he lunged toward you just as the first cop walked in. “Fucking faggot!” You laughed and held your hands up in surrender as a few more cops filed in to the bar. You were just about to put your hands behind your head when Mickey ran up and punched you hard in the face, easily breaking your nose.

“Mother fucker!”

“On the ground, Milkovich!”

“Good hit, boy!” Terry shouted as you were man handled on to your knees. You felt one of your friends slip a wad of cash into your sock, which you would absolutely need on the inside since this assault charge would land you at least a few months. You cracked your knuckles behind your back and glanced over at Jax.

“Get my fucking lawyer and keep your fucking phone on.” He nodded his head as you looked at the cop that had hand cuffed you. You purposely put the breaks on, since John was a beta that liked to dance on the wild side in your bed when his wife was at her sister’s, and glanced at Mickey’s back as he was carted out the door. “There’s a Franklin in my pocket to get Mickey into honor block, away from the others, and in my cell. It’s consensual. And he lawyers up with my lawyer without his fucking narrow-minded dickhead of a father finding out.” John looked down at you with a small nod and gave you a firm shove forward.

“Call it even with Shannon’s inhalers next month.” You nodded in agreement and got into the back of the cop car with a heavy sigh.

“Fucking Milkovich.”

——

“I called bottom an hour ago.” Mickey said without even moving his arm away from his face.

“You’re gunna take whatever fucking bed I fuckin tell you to fucking take after you broke my Goddamn nose, bitch.” Your Omega shot up off the bed as you dropped your bed roll on the top bunk.

“I…”

“Scoot over. I’m fucking tired.”

“Alpha…”

“Scoot!” You barked as you grabbed your paper thin pillow and your pack of smokes. “Jesus Christ.” He scooted back against the wall as you dropped your pillow on top of his and handed him a lit cigarette. “Had to fucking gun for the fucking nose?”

“I fucking panicked, OK?” He snapped. You nodded your head and ashed on the floor as you laid down on the bed just as the lights in your cell went out since it was the middle of the night and the rest of the block was asleep.

“The fuck were you thinking, Mickey?” He shrugged and pulled your legs across his lap.

“Being without you.” He sighed. “That’s all I thought.” You exhaled forcefully and reached your hand down to find his hip.

“The fuck am I gunna do with you?” He shrugged in the darkness and stretched forward to ash on the ground as well.

“Well I can think of one thing you can do to me.” You made a loud buzzer sound and shook your head as you took one long, last drag before you called it a night.

“Your ass is fucking grounded until further notice.”

“What, because I fucking hit you?”

“Yep, and because I didn’t want the first time I actually spent the whole night with my Omega to be in a fucking jail cell.” You smirked and got up to put your cigarette butt in the toilet and to take off your stupid orange jumpsuit to get comfortable for bed. “So you can thank your Old Man for you not getting laid tonight.”

“I can’t fucking win.”

“You never will.” You huffed as you tossed his finished cigarette in the toilet and flushed them both. “Get used to it. Get your spot, ‘mega.”

“You sleep in my bed, you’re gunna out me…”

“I’m not gunna out you because just like every time I come to fucking jail, I will spend my days sitting in a fucking corner by the phones, doing puzzles, playing solitaire, and making sure my business doesn’t fucking collapse in the next couple months. And you can either be your adorable Alpha self far away from me so your image is protected or you can make a choice to be seen doing puzzles, playing cards, and working for me. I leave that up to you. But you jump on the faggot train in here and I will put you in your Goddamn place just like I would everyone else. And I’m gunning for your fucking nose first.”

“Yes, Alpha.” He chuckled as he pulled your arm around his chest and kissed your fingers. “Good night, (Y/N).” You smirked and kissed his shoulder.

“Good night, baby boy.”

——

“OK, get a fucking pen.” You growled to Jax the second he picked up the phone. “I got a lot to fucking get through in a short period of time.”

“Well good fucking morning to you, too.” He chuckled. “Sleep well?”

“Fuck off.” You growled as you leaned against the wall. “Alright, first and foremost, I need you to go to Gertie’s. Let Sandra know I’m going to be gone a while, but that won’t stop you from getting her meds.”

“What meds…”

“Don’t… fucking interrupt me.” You growled. “Just fucking tell her the shit will be delivered like usual. Then, go to my fucking house. Upstairs in my bedroom under the bedside table on the far side of the bed, is a cardboard box with suppressants in it. I need a month supply. Don’t! Ask fucking questions!” You barked when Jax tried to cut you off again. “Fuckin a! Get those, some blues, and like 2 grand in cash to the jail within the next two hours. Skids is running visitation today and he’ll get them to me. Now, the list of Gertie’s meds is on the bulletin board in the fucking laundry room hidden under the fucking menu for that Chinese place up the block. Just pay attention to the names and doses and match them up carefully. There’s a Spanish bus coming up the coast in about four days. Should spit out enough beans to keep everyone fucking grassy for a nice long while. I’ll set it up from in here.”

“Need a burner?”

“Got one. Just keep my books up and I’ll check in.”

“Need me to leave visitations open for anyone?” Your eyes darted over to where Mickey was watching the morning news on the only, shitty TV.

“No… fuck that. Ain’t no one need to see me in here. Just lock up my house on the way out and keep an eye on it and Gertie for me. I’m lookin’ at max three months which ain’t shit but an annoyance.”

“Yea, you got it.” He sighed. “I’m leaving the house now.”

“You somehow manage to burn my fucking business to the ground and I’ll cut your fucking throat out.”

“I know the fucking drill, asshole.” He laughed before he hung up the phone. You dropped the receiver on the holder and turned toward ‘the bubble’ where the guards all sat. You wordlessly told them that you’d have a delivery in a few hours, and grabbed your seat at your table to settle in for a long next few months. You grabbed one of your last cigarettes and sparked it up as you pulled the top off the box of a lighthouse puzzle that was probably missing pieces.

“Hey, bitch! What you got there?” Mickey asked in a cocky tone as he grabbed your cigarettes off the table. “Well, don’t mind if I fucking do.”

“You put that fucking cigarette in your fucking mouth and I’ll cut your fucking dick off.” You replied as you started to slowly separate the pieces.

“Oh, is that a fucking dare?” He asked as he sat down at the table beside you. You looked up at him to see that he was alone and used a puzzle piece to push your matches toward him.

“Fucking promise. I’m gunna need you to be a fucking runner for me in here. Got one of my guys bringing in some blues, and I surprisingly don’t have fuckers in H block right now to work for me. So you just got hired.”

“Wow… so I’m a bitch, now.”

“Personally, I wouldn’t announce it to the fucking universe if I were you.” You teased with a smile. “But I’m not paying you with dick for you to keep your back on my enemies. Turn the fuck around and do your goddamn job so I can jigsaw in peace.”

“Fuckin’ bossy.” He huffed as he got up and sat down across the metal table from you with his back to you. “The fuck you lookin’ at?”

“Bark, bark.” You muttered under your breath as you matched two edge pieces.

“Fuck you.”

——

You were expecting a few weeks of incarceration, but on only day three, someone posted your bail.

“(Y/L/N)! You posted!” You actually froze in your spot with a puzzle piece in your fingers, as you ran through the list in your head on who would have thought wasting their money on you was a good idea.

“Fucking idiots.”

“Don’t…” Mickey practically whispered as you started cleaning up the puzzle pieces.

“I’ll post your bail the second I hit the streets.” You said under your breath. “You’ll be home in no time.” He barely nodded his head and held out his hand to pass you the rest of your pills and your money. “Just unload it and unload it fast.” You said as you took the cash. He hummed as you got barked at again to hurry up. You slid some cash into Mickey’s suppressants box, just in case, and grabbed your still untouched bed roll from your bunk. The process of you getting out took about half an hour, and your first phone call was going to be to Jax had Sandra not been waiting for you.

“Honey, what are you doing?” You asked as she came over and gave you a hug.

“Mom has been screaming for two days. Jax came in instead of you and she just lost her mind… I couldn’t even leave for work yesterday and she barely let me out of the house this morning until I swore I’d come back with you.”

“OK. OK.” You said with a nod as you kissed the top of her head and pulled out your wallet. “Look, I need you to do one more thing for me before I take you home. I need you to bail someone else out. I can’t, I’m a felon. Mikhailo Milkovich.”

“OK… Wait, what is the name?”

“I’ll write it down.” You chuckled as you handed her five hundred bucks. “Keep the rest for your troubles and to cover gas and my bail. And I’ll make sure he shows up for court.”

“I don’t doubt it.” She said as she took your note turned to head toward the bail bondsmen again. When she was out of earshot, you pulled out your phone and called Jax.

“How the fuck are you calling from your phone?”

“Apparently, you scared the fuck out of Gertie, so Sandra had to come bail me out. Get a fucking pen.”

“What the fuck is with you and pens?”

“Because you’re a fucking scatterbrained mother fucker and you’d probably forget your own Goddamn name if you’re Omega wasn’t screaming it at all hours of the fucking day.”

“Fuck you.”

“I need you, Sam, and Daryl at my house in two hours. I need a satellite, and street maps of everything south of Chicago, east of Peoria to the state line, and North of Champaign. I’m also gunna need every available man and vehicle we can get our hands on this weekend and the cars ready. And a large fucking pie because jail food sucks dick.”

“Wait… are we going after the New York haul?”

“No. We’re going after a big pharma distribution truck I just heard about before another crew gets to it.”

“We’re what now?”

“Be at my fucking house.” You repeated before hanging up the phone at the same time Sandra walked out of the office. “Thank you, sweetheart. You OK to wait for a bit?”

“Absolutely.” She said with a smile as you pulled out your cigarettes and held the pack out to her. “John’s staying with mom today until I could get you home and I get another day off this week to breathe.”

“So what the hell happened?” You laughed as you followed her over to her car to wait. “Did she throw things?”

“I had to walk over what I assumed was a shattered glass vase and then had to spend an hour separating and reorganizing a med container that she threw at him but all in all, she was just doing a lot of screaming.”

“She’s always been a fucking pistol.” You laughed as you both leaned against the side of her car.

“So who’s this guy to you? Someone special if I’m bailing his ass.” You smirked and looked up at the jail with a small shake of your head.

“My Omega.” You glanced over at her as she pouted out her bottom lip.

“Awww!!!!”

“Stop.”

“But my big brother finally has an Omega!”

“Yea, but he’s not out yet and he’s a fucking mess so we’re not gunna bring it up until he’s ready, OK?”

“Aww! You’re all protective, how cute!”

“Fuckin’ shit.” You chuckled as you bumped her shoulder with yours. She giggled and laid her head on your arm with a heavy sigh.

“Young love is a beautiful thing.” You nodded your head and put your arm around her shoulders as you fell into a comfortable silence to wait.

“Who the fuck is this bitch?” You looked over at the side door Mickey was walking out of almost an hour later and gestured to him dismissively.

“That’s your first impression? Mickey, Sandra who is as close to a sister as I’ve ever had. She’s the reason we’re walking free so show some fucking respect. Get in, asshole. I got shit to do.” He rolled his eyes at you and got in the back seat as you took the keys from Sandra, and headed around the car to open her door. Once you got in, you adjusted your seat and the mirrors and looked back at Mickey. “Which house?”

“The fuck you talkin’ about?”

“Bitch, she’s fucking family. She had you fucking made as someone close to me the moment I had her bail your ass outta fucking jail. So what fucking house? I got shit to do and the boys comin’ over…”

“Yours.” He said as he sat back in his seat and glanced at Sandra. She pouted out her bottom lip again and looked over at you as you headed home.

“Shut up.” You chuckled as you reached over and pushed her face away.

“You say a Goddamn word and I’ll fucking kill you!” Mickey threatened, causing you to growl at him as you caught his eye in the rearview mirror.

“‘mega, I will kick your fucking ass.”

Part 4

#mickey milkovich x reader #Mickey Milkovich x Male Reader #Omega!Mickey Milkovich x Male Alpha!Reader #The Resistant Omega

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toosicktoocare · 4 years

Text

prompt: Hi! Just wanted to say I love all your Tarlos fics! I’ve literally read them multiple times they’re so good. Just wanted to know if you could possibly write something with Carlos getting hurt and TK wants to take care of him? It’s fine if you can’t.

prompt: How about TK taking care of Carlos? I love the whole role reversal.

I’m down to explore some role reversal :)

TK’s the last person to hear about the crash, which he’s going to be pissed about when his heart isn’t threatening to tear at his skin and burst completely through his chest. It’s Probie who tells him, saying it more-so as an off-handed comment.

“It sucks about what happened to Carlos today,” is what Probie said when he and TK were the last two changing out for the day, and TK remembers feeling suddenly cold from his words. He had asked what happened, yet he doesn’t remember anything past “wreck” and “SUV flipped.” His hearing had faded to a dull ringing with each of Probie’s words, and he moved through the motions of changing as if a puppet on strings, not fully in control of his muscles.

He’s waiting for Carlos now, standing outside the station, and when the ambulance finally pulls in, his heart stutters in his chest, almost painfully, and he follows it, standing at the back of it, too afraid to breathe as he waits. When Michelle finally opens the back and he spots Carlos alive and well, albeit visibly exhausted and pained, he exhales so deeply, a long sigh that releases all of the tension built-up in his chest.

“TK? What are you still doing here?”

He moves forward as his answer, offering a hand to Carlos to help him out of the back of the ambulance, and Carlos takes it, a frown painted tight across his lips, only pulling to a wince when the large step down jostles his fractured ribs, and TK’s quick to drop a gentle hand to Carlos’ side.

His eyes find the black and purple bruises littering Carlos’ face first, and his gaze trails down, studying the small cuts on Carlos’ neck and arms, stopping where his hand is resting on Carlos’ side. He can feel the bandage through Carlos’ shirt, and he’s slow to bring his gaze up, conflict etched across his face.

“What happened?”

“I tried to pull someone over who appeared drunk,” Carlos starts, voice reflecting the fatigue clinging to him. “As soon as I flicked my lights on, he gunned it. I went after him, but I didn’t know he had a friend in another vehicle helping him.”

“And that lovely friend plowed into the driver’s side of his SUV at a speed close to 90,” Michelle finishes, dropping a gentle hand to Carlos’ shoulder.

“Flipped three times,” Carlos groans. “And both bastards got away.”

“Are you...” TK swallows thickly, looking past Carlos to Michelle. “Is he okay?”

Michelle hums softly. “He will be. His ribs took the worst of it, so he’ll be in pain for a few weeks.”

“And he’s standing right here,” Carlos bites out, pulling TK’s gaze back to his with his voice alone. “Now, again, what are you still doing here? You should be home by now. I heard about the four back-to-back house fires--”

“I’m fine,” TK insists, taking Carlos carefully by the arm. “I heard what happened, and I...” He what? He heard that Carlos was in a wreck, and the mere thought of the one, new constant in his life being hurt, or worse, was enough to almost bring him to his knees?

“I wanted to make sure that you’re okay,” he finishes softly, and Carlos smiles that intriguing, warm smile that leaves TK weak at the knees.

“I’m all good, TK. Thanks for checking in.”

Carlos makes to leave, to carefully tug his arm free because he’s exhausted, but TK’s fingers tighten just a fraction, just enough to have Carlos’ smile falling slightly. “TK?”

“I’ll take you back,” TK starts, moving his hand from Carlos’ arm to the small of his back. “And I can stay the night--”

“--you don’t have to,” Carlos tries, a little unsure of how to approach TK in this almost unreadable state. “I’m sure I’ll be--”

“--I want to.”

The finality in TK’s voice is enough to have Carlos arching one brow, impressed, a little confused, and entirely too tired to fight this any further, so he shrugs, a mistake because the small movement brings pain bleeding from the seat-belt bruise ripped across his chest. He doesn’t miss TK’s frown, his once soft, determined expression dropping to vulnerable concern, and he motions outside.

“Lead the way. Strand.”

*****

“Pain meds, water, pillows fluffed,” TK paces the small length of Carlos’ bedroom, mentally ticking off basic caretaker tasks, and Carlos can only watch, eyes half-lidded, favoring his right side to ease some of the pressure off his fractured ribs.

“TK--”

“Phone set to do-not-disturb,” TK continues, rolling the pill bottle around his hand, bringing it to his eyes, “alarm set for six hours from now for your next dose of--”

“--TK!”

TK’s steps falter, and he slowly pulls his gaze toward Carlos, brows furrowed. “Did I miss something?”

“No,” Carlos draws out. “You’ve gone through everything in frightening detail at least three times.” He can’t help the yawn that slips past his lips as he pats the empty side of his bed. “Just, stop pacing and come here. You’re giving me a headache.”

“You have a headache? Do you feel sick?” TK asks, dropping to the edge of the bed and leaning over to press the back of his hand to Carlos’ forehead, frown deepening when Carlos swats his hand away with a huff. “Carlos--”

Carlos sits up fully, ignoring the dull pain still clinging to every inch of his body, and he leans toward TK, lips pushing to TK’s, a deep groan vibrating low in his throat, and he’s slow to break the kiss, intentionally slow. “If I were sick,” he whispers, hot breath brushing against TK’s lips, “would I be doing this?”

TK sighs, moving fully onto the bed and dropping against the pillows with a huff. “Sorry, it’s just...”

“Your dad,” Carlos supplies, easing himself back down against the pillows, sighing quietly. It’s been a few weeks since he’s was woken up to a sobbing, broken TK banging on his door, and he knows that TK’s trying to take care of Owen, but he also knows that TK’s been constantly teetering close to the edge.

“I’m okay, TK,” Carlos says, turning his head from the ceiling to stare at TK, eyes trailing across the tension jutting out from his jaw and up to his eyes. “And I appreciate all your help, but I’m not sick like your dad.”

“I know,” TK drags out, draping one arm over his eyes. “I’m just tired of seeing people I care about in pain.”

“Oh,” Carlos’ voice takes to a light tone, almost singing the small word. “You care about me? Wow, Tyler Kennedy, that sounds like--”

“Shut up,” TK spits out, though there’s no heat to his tone. He moves his arm away, propping up on his elbow, and a small smile pulls at his lips.

“I’m not in pain, by the way,” Carlos adds, losing his battle against his fatigue with another long yawn. “Because of you.” His eyes flutter shut, and while he misses TK’s smile growing, he doesn’t miss the warm lips that brush against his forehead.

#911 lone star #9 1 1 lone star #911 ls #tarlos #tk strand #carlos reyes #michelle blake #carlos/tk #tyler kennedy strand #whump #whumpfic #my writing #my lone star writing

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brittlebutch · 3 years

Note

any tips when an appointment goes like shit? ive been having chronic pain for years, worst in my hips, with joint popping and hypermobility, bad enough that i was having trouble walking and used a cane and could barely get out of bed... but just saw a rheumatologist and all labs were fine, all xrays were normal, she doesn't think anything is wrong and i just need to exercise more, joints popping is probably nothing. im just so lost as to what to do now. i hate living like this

i always feel like the worst person to answer questions like these just because my usual ‘coping’ method for this shit is just like.. fucking. suffer through it lmao; but it really do want to give you like a Good Answer because BRO this shit sucks so fucking much it’s unreal. even tho i’ve actually got like a tentative dx now i Still have the same chucklefuck experiences at the doctors’ offices (and only Partly due to the fact that my dx exp was basically ‘hm you’ve been looking for an answer for the past 8 years and haven’t had any luck? could just be These Things; let’s not bother doing any more tests to try and confirm, try these meds [that don’t work] and we’ll see you in a few months! don’t call me, we’ll call you haha!!”)

So, like, first off I’m gonna say that you should absolutely let yourself be angry and frustrated. IDK how much of a ‘universal’ experience this is, but for me, appointments like this usually send me into a doubt spiral; like “What if this IS just normal body stuff everyone deals with and i’m just a pussy who can’t handle it? after all, they’re A Doctor, right? so they’d know???” but they Don’t always know. Yeah they’re a doctor with a theoretically good education, but they’re still people with biases and also a sometimes lazy inclination. YOU know your body and your experiences Are real and do matter. Let yourself be angry at your doctors, and tell anyone who tries to give you the whole like “doctors are Incredible people you can’t ever talk shit about” spiel to fuck off lol

Next i think it can be important to remember that you don’t like, Need a doctor’s permission to do certain things? Again, might just be a Me Thing, but I put off using mobility aids for years just because doctor’s told me my bones were fine and whatever, and the few times I asked about them specifically, got told to not use them because they’re just [insert any number of allusions to laziness]. Finally went ahead and just bought myself a cane last december and dude, Great purchase. I’ve even recently got smart crutches; because the cane was kind of hell on my whole hand and arm joints (again, this was something i asked a doctor about and was refused an actual answer for lmao), which i don’t quite regret even tho the ‘rest’ working from home during quarantine has granted me means my joints are feeling better than they have in literal years. You’ve already mentioned that you use a cane, so maybe this won’t necessarily apply to you, but like, for me i spent a really long time focused on the idea of getting a DX because in my head, that basically just meant getting permission to have a body; in the sense that like, yeah a dx can maybe get you treatment/more specific coping methods, but for me it also gave me Permission to feel bad (especially where other people could see/know about) which we Don’t Need! you are allowed to validate your own pain and experiences, basically, no one else needs to do that to make it ‘real’

This might be the only semi-helpful point in this post lmfao, but also think about like, why you’re going to doctor’s and whether it’s worth continuing. I started like, back in my sophomore year of HS, and then went On and Off trying new doctors for a while; this shit is exhausting; even once i was on my own and didn’t need my parent’s approval/help in getting to doctors, i still put a lot of stuff off because i didn’t have the energy for it. and that’s okay! but if you do really want to keep pushing, then make sure you keep pushing (which, admittedly, is something i still have trouble putting into practice lol). it’s always been like, dummy easy for me to feel somehow guilty for ‘inconveniencing’ doctors by showing up with problems and shit, but you really have to remember that you are Paying Them to provide you with a service. as long as you’re not unreasonably treating someone like shit, you have every right to push and argue and disagree with them. And if things with your current doctor aren’t working out, find a new one. you don’t need to stick with someone who isn’t working to help you or who you don’t feel comfortable with!

also wrt the whole ‘exercise’ schlock dude, fuck taking that at face value. i’m sure that more exercise really Does help some people, but if you’re in so much pain that getting out of bed and walking around is nearly impossible then tell them so, and then tell them to fuck off. i’ve had doctor’s giving me that spiel for nearly a decade, every one of them lovingly disregarding the fact that i Was exercising at the times (be it through swim teams, gym classes, the fact that most of my commutes are entirely walking, etc), and even my most recent one hearing me say that I was pretty sure the quarantines meaning that i was walking less to get to classes and shit was literally Decimating my pain levels and then still telling me to make sure I try walking around/exercising more. i can’t help but feel that like 9/10 that advice is complete horse shit lmao. same with diet recommendations

i hope literally ANY of this is helpful, lol. if it isn’t, then at the Very least i can offer you an open invitation to come vent in my inbox lmao, because i Get how shitty this is and the fact that like ‘healthy’ people tend to have the “no answer is a good answer! :)“ mentality can wear on u just as much as the actual appointments, so feel free to complain as much as your heart desires dude!

#complaining as a love language lmao #Anonymous

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sierrabinondo · 3 years

Text

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could.

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration.

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid.

then... the following week came.

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of.

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah.

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.”

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic.

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried.

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal.

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs.

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH. i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am

-watching so. much. anime.

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

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