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jimothystu · 1 year

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New Year, New Beginnings (1634)

Fic length: idk the word count but it's long lol Notes: this is for my lovely husband @donttelltheelff!!! enjoy hehe <3 oh, also i'm still waking up and this is unedited so pls excuse any errors, inconsistencies, or mediocre writing lol

Tag list: @zackcollins @elvisparklewriting @lam-ila @jamiedryssdale

Mitch leaned his shoulder against the wall as he brought his beer bottle to his pouty lips. Across JT's crowded living room stood Auston, chatting and laughing with some friend he brought to the party. Some tall, buff, attractive friend who had no right having such a strong jawline.

When their captain said they could bring friends to the Leafs' New Years party at his place, Mitch didn't think Auston would bring someone so... so handsome. It wasn't fair, Mitch thought as he took another drink of his beet that was starting to taste rather bitter on his tongue.

Mitch had brought his brother with him, who was in Toronto visiting him for the holidays. His brother was mingling somewhere, leaving Mitch standing alone, watching Auston talk with that insanely handsome guy.

"Someone piss in your beer or something?"

Mitch craned his neck to give Bunts a look. "No," he replied, a little sharper than he'd intended.

Bunts held up his free hand. "Sorry. You okay?"

"Fine," Mitch replied, though that was so obviously a lie. He could feel the tension in his jaw, the furrow of his brow, the slight hunch of his shoulders. He knew he looked upset, but he couldn't for the life of him make himself relax.

"Want to talk about it?" Bunts asked, voice growing quieter. Which, for anyone else, would just be a normal speaking volume.

"Nothing really to talk about." Mitch tipped his head back and finished off his beer. "But thanks."

Bunts patted him on the shoulder. "Well, if you change your mind, come find me."

Nodding, Mitch watched Bunts go off to mingle with someone else.

Mitch sighed and made his way to the kitchen to dispose of his empty beer can. He then got an unopened can from the fridge.

"Hand me one?" a smooth, almost melodic voice came from behind.

Turning quickly, Mitch nearly gasped. Auston's handsome friend stood a couple feet away, giving Mitch a smile.

"Uh, yeah, yeah sure," Mitch stammered. He turned and opened the fridge, feeling the cold air fan his warming cheeks. He grabbed a bottle and gave it to the guy.

"Thanks." The man uncapped it and smiled. "I'm Elliot, by the way. Auston's friend."

"Mitch." He stuck out his hand, then mentally cringed upon realizing how cold it must be from holding his beer.

"I know," Elliot said and his wide smile showed off a row of nearly perfect teeth. "Aus told me."

Mitch stalled responding by bringing the bottle to his lips. "So, uh, how... how do you two know each other?"

"I went to school with his sister," Elliot replied.

"Oh, cool," Mitch said, trying not to get his hopes up that this guy might just be a friend. "You live in Toronto?"

"Nah. I was flying back homme to visit my family, but my connecting flight got cancelled." Elliot shrugged. "So, I texted Aus and he offered me his couch for a couple days."

"Oh." Mitch frowned. "I'm sorry. Travelling this time of year is always iffy."

Elliot shrugged. "Nah, it's fine. Gave me a chance to catch up with Aus. And get to know some of you guys."

Nodding slightly, Mitch brought the bottle to his lips. His eyes trailed out to the living room, searching for the one man he wanted to talk to. The one man he'd wished had been talking to him all night, but hadn't seemed to have the time. Every time Mitch had looked for Auston, he'd been chatting with someone else.

"He sure is nice to look at, isn't he?"

Mitch practically choked on his beer. He felt a blush heat his cheeks and he shot Elliot a look. "W-what?"

"Auston," he replied casually. Like it was no big deal. Like it was just normal small talk for two strangers to have.

"I... I, uh..." Mitch didn't know what to say to that. Of course he thought Auston was nice to look at, but he wasn't going to admit that to this guy.

"I've seen you staring most of the night," Elliot said, shrugging. "And I doubt it's been at me."

Mitch swallowed thickly. "Um. I uh. No, I've been... just... people watching."

Elliot smirked. "Right, sorry, I'll let you get back to your drink. Nice meeting you."

Mitch was barely able to stammer out a "you too" before Elliot was walking away to chat with Mo and Tessa.

"Dude."

Mitch groaned and looked over to Willy who, based on his expression, had heard a good chunk of that.

"Don't," Mitch pleaded.

"Dude," Willy said, voice quiet, "I already know you like Tone. You're so not discrete in your ogling, y'know."

Mitch's cheeks burned. "I... don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure." Willy moved closer. "Crazy idea, but have you, like, talked to him?"

Mitch shook his head. "No. I don't even think he knows I... you know."

Willy raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you should try talking to him."

"After he brought that freaking model with him?" Mitch shook his head again, so quick it made him dizzy for a moment. "No way. There's no way he's interested in me. Not when that literal hunk is interested."

Willy sighed. "God, it's like pulling teeth. Just go talk to him."

Mitch frowned. His eyes moved across the room again and he spotted Auston. He was always able to find Auston in a room, no matter how big the crowd was. Mitch stared for a few minutes. Auston was chatting with Elliot again, and Mitch's heart began to sink. Then, Auston looked up and met his gaze. Mitch must have looked pretty upset, for Auston's brows instantly furrowed and he said something to Elliot before weaving his way through the living room.

"You got this," Willy whispered before ducking back to the crowd.

"Hey," Auston said, "what's the matter?"

"Who says anything's the matter?" Mitch replied.

"Your face." Auston pursed his lips together and folded his arms over his chest. He did a once over, as if checking for wounds or anything. "Too much to drink?"

Mitch shrugged, trying and failing to calm his pounding heart. "Sure."

"Did Elliot say something?" Auston asked. "I saw him over here. He means well, but sometimes he's a bit... blunt."

"Yeah," Mitch muttered. "It's okay, though. He seems nice. And... attractive." He forced out the word. He needed to see how Auston reacted. To both Mitch's admission of finding a guy attractive and to the idea that Elliot was attractive.

Auston's eyebrows raised and his eyes widened slightly. "I guess so. Not really my type."

There it was. Auston wasn't attracted to Elliot. So why did Mitch suddenly feel so bad?

Not really my type. As in, male?

"But if you think so that's... that's cool," Auston continued, though his tone was off. Like he didn't really mean it.

Mitch's heart lodged in his throat. Auston wasn't homophobic, right? He wasn't judging Mitch for maybe thinking a guy was hot?

"I... um." Mitch swallowed. "I mean, he's... he's like. Model hot. But not... not um. I'm not interested in him."

Auston nodded silently, looking lost in thought.

Mitch felt a bead of sweat prickle between his shoulder blades. "I shouldn't have said anything," he said quickly. "Forget I said anything."

Auston tried to meet Mitch's eyes, but Mitch was staring off at the cabinets.

"No, it's fine," Auston said, and Mitch swore he moved closer to him. "I don't really care. I mean, I uh, I do. But not... not like, you know."

Mitch's eyebrows knitted together. Not like I'm jealous or anything, Mitch could practically hear the end of Auston's sentence in his head. "Right," he forced out.

Silence stretched between them for a moment, then Auston spoke again. "So you uh. Aren't interested in Elliot?"

Mitch shook his head.

Auston scratched the back of his neck. "Cool. Cool. Uh. So when the clock strikes midnight...?"

"I'll be standing in here alone," Mitch said lightly. He even forced out a short laugh. But it was very, very forced.

"No you won't," Auston said. "I'll be here."

"What? Why?"

Auston smirked. "Because I want to. And I... Uh. Was kind of hoping we could... Kind of ring in the new year together."

Mitch stared at him. "Well, if you're going to stand here with me, then yeah, we will."

Auston's smirk grew. "No, like... together."

Mitch blinked. Realization hit him so hard he could barely breathe. "Oh. Oh. T-together. Like. Together-together?"

"Yeah," Auston said. He took half a step closer. He was close enough Mitch could smell his cologne. "If you want to, of course. Maybe I'm just crazy but I swear there's something more than just friendship between us."

"You're not crazy," Mitch said, voice coming out much quieter than he'd intended. He placed his beer bottle on the counter and rubbed his cold hands together.

"No?" Auston asked, almost hesitently.

"Not at all." And with that, Mitch grabbed Auston's shoulders and pulled him closer. He pressed his lips to Auston's before he could overthink the situation.

Auston reciprocated the kiss instantly. His hands went to Mitch's hips, grabbing at them and pulling him close enough that their chests bumped.

"Oh shit," Bunts yelled, "is it midnight already?!"

Mitch heard murmurs ripple through the living room.

"No," Willy said and he laughed. "We still have ten minutes to go."

JT spoke next. "Then why are they-- oh."

Mitch felt Auston smirk against his lips. Mitch's heart fluttered, in part from embarrassment and part from pure joy. He was kissing Auston. And Auston was kissing him back. He and Auston were kissing.

But also the entire team and their respective guests were watching them.

Mitch moved back, face burning hot.

"Fucking finally," Bunts exclaimed.

Auston licked his lips and met Mitch's gaze.

Mitch knew the two of them would get tons of chirps and questions from the guys. He and Auston also still needed to actually talk, but preferably when they didn't have dozens of sets of eyes on them.

"Happy New Year," Mitch murmured.

"Happy New Year," Auston replied, smiling wider than Mitch had ever seen.

#1634 #mitch marner x auston matthews #hockey rpf #nhl rpf #toronto maple leafs fanfiction #toronto maple leafs rpf #toronto maple leafs imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagine

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thatsneakymedic · 9 months

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Sasori was late to his meeting with Kabuto. He was never late. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was hungover from a night of drinking and woke up in a hotel room after an unknown one-night stand--no idea who was it as they were long gone by the time he was up, maybe for the best. He was never drinking King of the Night Sake again. Fuck him.

" I'm 'ere, I'm 'ere. Bleedin' 'ell my 'ead. Oi, Kabuto! Listen 'ere: never--an' I mean never--drink King of the Night Sake. Worst 'angover of yer life! An' you'll go to bed with a iffy bloke--er shelia. I don't 'member which it was but whoever they was, 'ad silver 'air. Spent all mornin' pluckin' it outta my joints--an' other places. Hmm. . .now I think 'bout it, silver 'air like you but ain't in no Hell I fucked you! Ugh, it best not be 'idan either. "

" Anyway, where's that report? 'and it over so I can get back to base. I need a bloody nap. "

@reddawnmultimuse

Not wanting to waste anymore time nor is curious enough to start investigating on what really happened other than the obvious. Right away, he immediately left the hotel room and paid the bill and then headed straight for the bathhouse to use the public bathroom and shower to wash off any kind of scent, fluids, drool, bruises, marks, his shame... everything as long as he can feel clean again. He wasn't really feeling any sense of trauma or anything, more like just annoyance that he had let down his guard and allow this to happen in the first place.

Even to be 100% sure, he even used a personal STD test from the local pharmacy just in case and he's so relieved that he's in the clear as well. Considering that he almost never has unprotected sex.

Thankfully, he was at the meeting spot first before Sasori could show up, since he realized that he had accidentally spilled that godforsaken sake on it and almost smudged the writing. So he had to rewrite it's contents on a newer and more clean scroll. Hopefully Sasori doesn't mind the bland looking scroll.

An hour later...

He found it rather strange that Sasori of all people was an hour late to their meeting, and he was already slightly dozing off while he sat at the withered log that was on the path. His head still ached despite the pain reliever medication, but he struggled to stay awake. Since he's still all alone here.

The rugged raspy voice wakes him up from his partial nap and he immediately stands up and he prepares the scroll in his hand. Though he couldn't help but notice that despite that he knows that the Hiruko shell is a puppet, he was moving quite sluggish.

The... hell did he just say? He also drank the King of the Night Sake?! So that means that he was in the same town as Kabuto when the special sake was sold?! They had to pull grey-white hair from their parts... Does this mean that... he and Kabuto...? How was that possible when he didn't even see Hiruko, but what he did see was that strange puppet with the red hair that he couldn't see it's identity. Was that his true body or did he use that puppet as some sort of foreplay sex object while he was probably sleeping somewhere where Kabuto didn't see him in the room?

A twist of regret, shock and disgust overwhelms his body and he stays firm to not show the other his reactions to their words or even give a hint of him realizing it. As their words on the truth about sleeping with him are not good. Even if it wasn't his fault in the first place.

His hands tightened around the scroll underneath his cloak as he shakes his head at their question, "No, it shouldn't have been me, Lord Sasori. I didn't visit any kind of bars as of recently. And I wouldn't know if Hidan was nearby or not. Since you only told me about where you will be staying, and Zetsu has not talked to me as of recently."

Handing over the scroll into their wooden hands, he pulls his hood down to not let them see in his eyes on how much discomfort he's feeling now that he knows the truth about what happened between them. He wished that he could just die right then and there or at least turn invisible for the entire year.

He must NEVER allow anyone to know what happened and a promise to not drink while traveling. Especially the Kings of the Night Sake.

"That's all there is to it. Is there anything else you want to know about before I head back out? And I'll remember your advice on that certain brand of sake, since it does sound dangerous to consume without supervision."

Back at the town where they stayed, the drink itself has risen to popularity as well as the increased notoriety of the precautions of drinking it.

#reddawnmultimuse #so sorry for the hold up!#long post #not sfw #:'D #tbh #I was THIS close of keeping this in my askbox since it's so hilarious to read #Sasori's words are just so funny!#XD

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lutawolf · 2 years

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Hello Luta!

I was going through various blogs discussing BLs and ended up at yours. I'm glad to have read your review about unforgotten Night. I couldn't even properly watch ep 1 and I had to drop it cuz the acting, chemistry between the actors, and its ambience didn't reach anywhere near I had expected. It kind of felt cartoonish and honestly if some random guy took my drunk ass off to bed with chains and whips....that'd be a nightmare. As far as I have delved into this world, I am a soft sub...and is not into SM. Even if I was not able to point out everything that was wrong with the first time of the 2 main leads...watching it felt like all my instincts were screaming RUN! The crying boy in the beginning itself made me feel like entering a red flag territory. So many things felt off about the bed scene of the lead couple.

Hearing that the series was complete, I was contemplating whether it was worth giving another shot, cuz I saw posts on twitter saying they will miss it and wanted a second season......and then I came across your review.

and THANK GOD!!! Everytime I read what you and Iffy wrote I was like "yup thats exactly what it was and why I had to drop it".

tbh...From a show that was very much out there promoting under BDSM and SM, I felt nothing dominating from Kamol (?) that is supposed to a sadistic Dom (ur posts confirmed it for me...LOL). It more felt like a child trying to be one....I do feel bad saying it cuz I know the actors put in a lot of effort...but thats just how it felt to me.

On the other hand, I got the perfect Dom from a character in a series that I least expected... Payu in Love in the Air had me breathing hard. I'm going off topic....

BUT...what I wanted to say was THANK YOU!! I was thinking that if Love in the Air was able to do that good with Payu and Rain, maybe Unforgotten night that is actively promoting with its BDSM element might have done better and that maybe it was because I am not into SM that I didn't like it and it may get better and so on. But ur review made me realize that nah....its pretty shitty. Period. I had a good laugh reading both ur reviews though..It was great and fun.

So Thank you once again for taking your time and effort into writing these reviews!!

-Pinky

Hey Hey pinky!!!

I absolutely adore the actors in Unforgotten Night. I think a lot of things caused this to crash. 1) I think the actors are completely unfamiliar with S/m never mind that was what they were supposed to be portraying. 2)They didn't have a BDSM consultant and just swung at it, but they sadly missed the ball by a mile.

I've heard this so many times. Unforgotten Night was marketed for the BDSM aspect and it just fell through the cracks. The people who like it are people who liked the show that shall not be named. And look I'm not knocking it, I'm knocking anyone who is calling that accurate BDSM. I'll send them to my seventeen year old who screamed at the show with me on the inaccuracies.

However, LITA was not marketed to us but watch it once and you know it's made for Kinksters. Which was smart honestly because we were the ones that tuned in for TharnType. I could do a whole as breakdown of the No Kink portrayed in it but I absolutely get why people didn't see it. This time they went in knowing who would be interested, how to accurately show it and they are doing it. Payu is a solid Dom. I've really like him as the Sadist/Dom to the D/s relationship.

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed both reviews. I'm thrilled that people enjoy my special brand of humor. I realize that I'm a unique taste, lol. I really appreciate all the support. 💜💜💜

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soysaucevictim · 4 months

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I just watched/listened to Daniel Thrasher's "Igowallah". (Otherwise titled, "How rap sounds to non-english speakers".)

It got me thinking about music and linguistics shit.

On the one hand - this kinda makes me think of Adriano Celentano's "Prisencolinensinainciusol" and Neil Cicierega's "Word Disassociation" in that it's meant to be gibberish. Tho I think the fact Celentano had a bit more of "a point" since he was Italian (presumably ESL), making a song blending phonemes in how he crafted that song. Just to grab this blurb from the wiki article:

The song is intended to sound to its Italian audience as if it is sung in English spoken with an American accent, however the lyrics are deliberately unintelligible gibberish with the exception of the words "all right".[8][9]... Celentano's intention with the song was not to create a humorous novelty song but to explore communication barriers. The intent was to demonstrate how English sounds to people who do not understand the language proficiently. "Ever since I started singing, I was very influenced by American music and everything Americans did. So at a certain point, because I like American slang—which, for a singer, is much easier to sing than Italian—I thought that I would write a song which would only have as its theme the inability to communicate. And to do this, I had to write a song where the lyrics didn't mean anything."[6]

And Neil's song also has a lovely, vaguely "fluent aphasia" sort of feeling. But like. Some of the strange couplings of the nonsense strings of actual words conjure surreal as hell imagery. Like what the hell even is, "My elusive hula yellow sketching creamy helium gentlemanly communique"?? ?

I don't really know what was like, the artistic intent behind Thrasher's song here - besides some kinda of parody of rap. Which I guess is fine? It is kinda of interesting - in comparing it w/ Adriano and Neil.

I'm just kinda iffy about some folks just being snobs about rap in the comments of it, man. It feels like this veers a bit dangerously close to how White people can mock Chinese (and Cino-adjacent) speech. Just because of the, well, distinctly Black American roots hip hop has.

As someone who probably has mild language processing issues with lyrical content anyways (so i typically first pay attention to instrumental/production elements), but also enjoys hip hop regardless... people just going off abt how that's just what rap sounds like to English speakers. Just gives me a bit of the ick? (Especially with me realizing that maybe, just maybe, hating on disco being popular was at least partially fueled on by antiblack attitudes... sooo...)

Can't really glean or comment on intent here (not really that familiar w/ Thrasher as an entertainer, so I'm trying to be charitable) - just commenting on some of the feedback I've seen there. Also also, just as a bit of writing care (like in art, not like casual txt conversation) - it's worthwhile to check if a key-smash bit of gibberish isn't some kind of obscure slur in a different language, just as a show of good faith. Because man, this song almost sounded like it was at least flirting with that mistake. (Just an experience I've seen from the larger writing community on world-building stuff.)

Basically there are things I do legitimately enjoy about this song that I got recc'd. There's some fascinating linguistics and art philosophy conversations to be had here. But there's also a just some background reservations I just wanted to ramble about.

Idk if any of this makes much sense. But. Yeah. :,D

#long post/

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melonslibrary · 1 year

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To Break a Covenant Review

Overall Rating: 2.8/10 melons 🍈🍈🍈(3 melon emojis due to how do I express .8 in melon form? Ideas welcome)

Story Concept: Over, I thought that the concept to this book was strong. Haunted mining town, group of girls, and a mystery? Sounds pretty good! I, in my personal life and literary choices, love haunted things. However, as I will get into in the other sections of the review, thought that it fell short. For this section I am going to rate the story concept a 4/5.

World Building: Here is where I think things started to go down. The world building started strong with descriptors of the old mining town but as I continued to read I realized it was quite minimal. I wanted more. We were kind of given a basic overview of the town and then a few places in the new town. I wanted more spooks, more details about the history of the mine, more information on the families within the old town and how they were effected. There were just certain parts that I wish we spent more time going over. I want to compare it to a sitcom set where there are, like, 2 or 3 places we always see. What else is out there?? For this section, I'm giving it a 2/5.

Writing: I am very iffy on this section. Overall, the language used within the book is really good. The descriptions of some of the events, specifically the ones involving gore or the supernatural, were fantastic! Evocative words that really helped paint a picture in the mind. Then other things fell flat. I thought the pacing was simultaneously too fast and too slow. We spent too much time going over one thing and not enough over others. I had a lot of gripes with the writing. For one, I can't really place when this story is taking place and how long it spans. Sure, a story does not have to outright say it or anything but I think it would have added to the world building. There were various pop culture references from when I was a high schooler, which was not all too long ago, but they felt almost cringe-y and like they were references for a younger audience. Which, it is a young adult novel, but it just seemed off. There were also some portions of the story that were "clips" (parts of fake dialogue) from fictional paranormal/ghost hunting shows. On one hand, I love this use of conveying information. On the other hand, I felt like they didn't add much. I think they were suppose to add some suspense or exposition. They were just missing something. Also, not going to lie, I have absolutely no idea how to take the ending. There are a few ways for me to theorize what happened but I'm very much like "eh" about the whole thing. 3/5 for this section.

Characters: Characters were also an overall let down for me. They had some good bones but needed more meat. I know not all books can be hundreds of pages of detail and history but I think characters should be well developed. The main 4 characters seem more like pre-teen Original Character's with 2 main quirks that never really get explained or have much use. I did not feel very attached to any character. To be honest, I am not entirely sure how old the characters were. At some points I thought they were, like, 13. Other times I know they were at the very least driving age. Overall, to me, the characters were pretty forgettable. 2/5.

Aesthetic: So, first off, the cover. The cover is sooooo pretty. I love a good cover, I do sometimes pick books off of their covers and I can't remember if this was the case for this book. Now, the aesthetic within the book. Similar to the first section, it had some good structure and things that generally get me interested. But I just think the ideas were not utilized fully or thought through fully. That sounds kind of harsh but to me it just seemed like the entire book was created based off of a handful of cool sounding things and it was left at that. A 3/5, could have been better.

#booklr #bookblog #book review #to break a covenant #bookish #bookaddict

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sweetbitterimpossiblecreature · 3 years

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A Brief And Concise Summary Of Is Wrong With The ACOTAR Series

I think we can agree that a lot of ACOTAR is pretty iffy. Consider this a very brief refresher.

What's Wrong With Feyre/Rhysand (juxtaposed against Feyre/Tamlin)

Rhysand drugs and sexually assaults her in Book 1

This is "for her own good". Because he "has no choice". Despite the fact that, from what we know of the plot, Amarantha thinks that Clare Beddor was the one Rhysand was diddling, and is only interested in Feyre because Rhysand, "her" man male, has taken an interest in her.

If we extrapolate from this we can figure that Rhysand is the one directly putting her into danger.

Now, let's be clear: drugging someone is bad. Sexually assaulting someone is bad. One could argue there were extenuating circumstances. But if, in such a situation, what your mind goes to is "I know, I should assault this person... for their safety" I have questions about your moral qualities. There were a million things he could have done. He could have done whatever he did to Clare - that is, remove her ability to feel any pain - easily. He could have helped her escape. Under The Mountain, he - while still there unwillingly - has a lot of power, as Amarantha's side piece. Maybe this would have resulted in him being punished- however, he is hundreds of years old and a badass motherfucker, and she is a nineteen year old human girl.

Now, onto Tamlin. Obviously not a lot of people really ship F/T anymore after ACOMAF, because compared to F/R, it's boring. I read another person's post about it, which was very enlightening: they said that Feyre's personality is essentially a mirror. When she is with Rhysand, she's snarky and malicious- because she is "bouncing off" his energy. When she's with Mor she's super feminist and "in awe of her strength". On the other hand, Tamlin is kind of an empty character. He's a pretty boy with anger issues, which should be more interesting than it is. SJM manages to make him bland. Because Feyre has nothing to bounce off of, (a lot of this is from the person's post), she and Tamlin together is mainly just him introducing her to his world.

What Tamlin Does: prevents a skinny twenty year old from going on dangerous missions with him and combat-trained soldiers, accidentally blows up a room with her in it, and, at the end, prevents her from leaving the house.

This is not a Tamlin apologist post. Obviously it was really fucking gross of him to do that, and their relationship was toxic. However, a lot of his abuse stems from their inability to communicate, as well as own negligence. He does not knowingly and purposefully sexually assault her or rape her mind. And tbh, leaving a girl without combat training at home while he goes on missions with a bunch of muscled sentries is... kind of reasonable?

Again: not a Tamlin apologist post. It was abuse. However, if Rhysand is "allowed" to sexually assault, mind-rape, and drug Feyre "for her own safety", why is Tamlin demonized for preventing her from leaving his mansion "for her own safety"?

Another pertinent point: Rhys is never punished for sexually assaulting her. It is brushed off as part of his "mask" or that his hand was forced. Jesus Christ my dudes, his hand was not forced under her skirt. If he has to maintain his gross rapist abuser tyrant oppressor mask... why? Who did that benefit beside him? None of his actions remotely helped Prythian. They were done solely for his buddies - five people safe in a rich hidden city - and no one else, which is explicitly stated.

Finally, the power dynamic is fucked up. Feyre is less than twenty five years old. Rhysand is 500. There is a tendency in fantasy romance to romanticize a centuries year old man with a young girl, because the man does not show symptoms of age, and so it is easily ignorable. However, can we just briefly acknowledge how fucked up it is? Rhys is over five times older than Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and other known predators/abusers. She is twenty. That is really fucking gross. She is in a vulnerable position and he takes rampant advantage of that.

If he had wrinkles, liver problems, and erectile dysfunction, more people would acknowledge it.

Let's be clear: I'm not saying writing a book with an uneven power dynamic is automatically bad. For example, in The Locked Tomb series, which is in my opinion THE BEST FANTASY SERIES THAT HAS GRACED THIS EARTH (lol i'm starting fires), one main character Harrowhark Nonagesimus is in a position of power over Gideon Nav, the other main character. However, this is not glossed over or romanticized. Gideon resents Harrow for this- there is a relationship of mutual antagonism, fraught with unwilling familiarity and intimacy from growing up together. They are roughly the same age. While there is a certain power dynamic (in that world, there is a dynamic of necromancer and cavalier, i.e. sorcerer and sword) the "empowered" character (Harrow) emphatically respects her and does not abuse this power, although both would of course deny this, and she does make a show of threatening and being aloof. In short, while Gideon obeys her, Gideon also has power over Harrow, and the idea of what is essentially slavery is not romanticized.

Feyre Doesn't Face Any Consequences For Her Own Actions

Let me present a radical notion: a guy preventing you from leaving his house does not justify completely fucking ruining his country and harming the people inside it.

In other words: Tamlin does not deserve what she did to him.

I know that sounds iffy. We're conditioned to think that if someone is an abuser, then they are the scum of the earth, they deserve to die, torturing/murdering/doing anything to them is completely A-OK. However, here's another radical notion: someone harming you does not justify you doing worse.

Obviously, the effects of psychological abuse can cause you to hurt other people (see: Nesta), but Feyre deliberately and maliciously (oh, God, that insufferable POV of her in Spring Court; she reads like a cartoonish Disney villain) dismantles his country. She uses sexual manipulation (Lucien), torture (causing the sentry to be whipped), and mind-rape (who didn't she do this to? lol).

A summary of the entire first half of ACOWAR: "It smelled like roses. I hated roses. For this capital offense against my olfactory system, Tamlin and the entire Spring Court deserved to burn in hell. I knew exactly what I was doing. I smiled at him sweetly: no longer a doe, but a wolf. He didn't see my fangs.............." *aesthetic noises*

Man. I'm starting to think SJM had a horrible experience at a Bath & Body Works and took it out on the rest of us. Don't do it, Sarah!! I know Pink Chiffon and Triple Berry Martini are way too strong, but don't take it out on an innocent population!!

She steals from Summer Court (there are, yk, other solutions to theft. Like maybe asking politely) and ruins Spring Court. Her boyfriend - yeesh sorry, MATE - does nothing while a dozen Winter Court children are murdered.

Now: moral ambiguity is not automatically bad. Again using The Locked Tomb as an example, in the second book (spoiler alert), Harrowhark has a sort of moral ambiguity. She was raised from the beginning to worship the King Undying as God, and so she obeys him without question. Because of this, she commits a lot of crimes in His name: she "flips" - i.e. kills - the life force of planets, and she plots murder (albeit the murder of someone who tried to kill her first). There is no attempt to justify this. There is also no attempt to paint her as a virtuous and yet also badass Madonna figure. She is desperate, plagued with the "wreck of herself", and the book clearly displays her moral pitfalls. While her POV is of course colored by her mindset, it also is limited by her lack of information, and we as readers can acknowledge that.

BACK TO ACOTAR: Feyre is seen by everyone as gorgeous, formidable, and essentially perfect. Rhys sees her as flawless, "made for him", wonderful, beautiful, blah blah blah. (THEY ARE SO BAD FOR EACH OTHER; THEY EXCUSE AND GLORIFY EACH OTHER'S CRIMES, IT'S SO BAD, GUYYYS). Tamlin is insanely batshit in love with her, or whatever. To the Night Court she's the High Lady. In this way she personifies the Mary Sue character. (Excerpt from the TV Tropes page on Mary Sues: "She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing. She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story. The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their True Companions, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting; if any character doesn't love her, that character gets an extremely unsympathetic portrayal." Sound familiar?)

There is the Ourobous scene. And yet, paradoxically, while presented as an acknowledgment of her flaws, it is in fact a rejection of them. She sees her own brutality... and instead of recognizing that she has these deep, deep moral flaws and realizing that she needs to grow and be better, she in fact "accepts" them.

Guys: Self love means: "I'm important to me, so I'm going to get a massage today after work", or "heck, why not splurge on some expensive lotion, you only live once" or "you know what? I had a tough day today. I'm going to get that strawberry cupcake". SELF LOVE DOES NOT MEAN "oh, I accept all the war crimes I have done, I love myself". LOVING YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN ABSOLVING YOURSELF OF ALL WRONGDOING.

It's this refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing that is so grating about ACOTAR. It's so goddamn one-sided. And you can tell that after Book 1, SJM decided to completely change the trajectory simply because of how jarring Book 2 reads compared to the first one.

Also: Feyre is a very, very young girl (compared to the other ruling fey) who did not know how to read for the majority of her life. She has no experience whatsoever in politics. Her being High Lady is not a win for feminism.

Rhysand: He Sucks

First, he is 500 years old. He should be written as such, not as some 20 year old virile frat boy feminist. Fantasy is all the more compelling for its elements of realism, which is a concept that SJM does not appear to grasp.

Second of all, his morals are absurd. He is written as the Second Coming of Christ, as someone who can do no wrong, ever, and his flaws only serve to make Feyre love him more. Anything shitty he does is written as part of his "mask" and she can See Beneath It and knows that it "hurts" him to maintain this "mask".

Fellas, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAINTAIN THIS MASK???? There is no reason for it. If A) he does not give a shit about Court of Nightmares (we'll get back to that), only about Velaris, and B) Velaris is hidden/protected from the world, what is he pretending for?

It would not hurt him politically to be seen as someone who cares about his country.

"Pretending" to be "Amarantha's whore" does not in any way shape or form benefit the macro-world that is Prythian. In Amarantha's name, he commits atrocities. He commits war crimes; he systemically oppresses entire societies. It doesn't even really benefit Velaris, because Velaris is already hidden.

Let me put this in a real-world perspective. This would be like if Donald Trump was suddenly like: "I know I was a shitty president but IT WAS ALL PART OF MY MASK, WHICH WAS TO PROTECT THIS MICROCOSM OF PRIVILEGED PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT". Like: okay? Sorry, or whatever, but I don't actually give a shit. What about the parents of the children who died? What about Clare Beddor? What about the people who were held in slavery, murdered, tortured?

Rhysand: omg it sucks that my cousin Mor was oppressed by this toxic misogynistic culture from the Court of Nightmares.

Also Rhysand: lol whatever, who gives a shit about Court of Nightmares. They all suck. They meanie. Lol what did you say? That there might be other girls just like Mor who are oppressed by this system? Lol whatever. I can't do anything, I gotta maintain my Mask. I gotta sit on this throne and show the entire Court that not respecting women is completely okay.

In summary: by parading Feyre around as his "whore" (!!) he demonstrates by example that it is completely okay for the Court of Nightmares to abuse their women.

A good ruler cares about all his people. Rhysand cares about a tiny tiny fraction of his people: those who were fortunate enough to be born into Velaris.

God, I'm exhausted. Onto Nesta:

The only character who successfully breaks the Mary Sue effect Feyre exerts on her people is Nesta. Her POV for the first half is a joy to read.

Obviously it sucks that Nesta was a huge bitch to Feyre for the beginning of her childhood. However, it was wrong for Rhysand to threaten her- he is a man male with a huge insane amount of power, and it is not okay for him to threaten to bring the brunt of it down on a young girl because she was a bitch to his girlfriend.

I've seen a lot of discourse on the morality of F/R sending her out of Velaris. Here is my two cents:

It was okay for them to cut her off of their money. If they don't want to enable her self-harm, that is their choice. Again, it's their money, even if it wasn't fairly earned (Rhysand born into an enormous fortune).

It was not okay for them to banish her from Velaris with the implication that she was an embarrassment. Let me explain.

If Rhysand and Feyre are talking to her as sister/brother-in-law, then that is that. They have the complete right to express disapproval and try to help. However, they should not be using their royal privilege against her.

If they are talking to her as ruler to subject, then they have the power to banish her from the city. However, a ruler would not give a shit about a random subject getting drunk and having sex. So, they should not be talking her about her problems as a ruler to subject.

I've heard it compared to her being sent to rehab. However, rehab is a system designed to help people with certain problems. It has specialized medical centers and involves therapy. Nesta gets her life threatened multiple times. It is not rehab.

In summary: why did SJM inflict this upon us. Throne of Glass was actually good! GAHHH! After the first few books she completely whipped around and introduced the idea of males and mates and fey and that C is actually A and the quality took a huge nosedive. Sigh.

Final horrible but unmistakable truth: The entire ACOTAR series reads like a bad A/B/O fic. I hate to say it but it's true. We're lucky there were no heat cycles. OH WAIT

#anti sjm #anti rhysand #anti acotar #anti acofas #anti acomaf #anti everything #anti feyre #to some extent #mentioned: the locked tomb #mentioned: gideon the ninth #mentioned: harrowhark nonagesimus #anti #strongly anti #pan-int #that's my ao3 tag!#meta #my post

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geek-and-destroy · 2 years

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This is a Verin Sedai simp blog now - Wheel of Time Read

This is post 11 in The Wheel of Time Read - see the previous post - covering chapters 18-42 of book 2.

A few days ago, I started reading The Wheel of Time, Robert Jordan’s sprawling fantasy series. And - you know what skip this intro shit, I have some explaining to do.

So. I usually like to go like 5-10 chapters before I post an update to this thing. I had midterms this week so I thought I wouldn't get enough time to read or write. But guess what.

Like the excruciating allure of saidin, the book called to me. I'm pretty sure I flunked an exam or two in the process, but the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. (Yes, I have now started using this phrase as a way to skirt personal responsibility. No, I will not stop.)

Robert Jordan, I feel, is making full use of the ungodly amount of pages at his disposal to slowly dissect every aspect of the sprawling world he's laid out. I have to say, the 'I have won again, Lews Therin' part with the glimpses of different AUs was well fucking done. Has to be one of my favourite parts of this series so far, along with Moiraine's Manetheren speech way back in book one.

And it was so great getting there, too! SO! MUCH! STUFF! First, there was the big statue that activated Rand's saidin, (another well-written scene btw) then you had the whole thing with Rand being treated as a lord - growing into it, even - and Daes'daemar. I love how Rand just doing nothing played into his supposed mystery, getting major clout just by sitting on his ass. Well, he didn't really sit around the whole time in Cairhien. He went and met Thom! (side note: I was kinda disappointed he didn't stay dead, honestly - an impactful death is yet to occur in WoT - but the character has much more in him than that. Guess what, though. The one real, impactful death has been Thom's protege girl, who was kinda fridged tbh. There's only so much fridging you can avoid in such a huge series, I suppose. Some characters exist solely to further another character's story, it's just like that sometimes.) The feast at Barthanes' mansion, Machin Shin, Barthanes' death, the stedding!! Loial is the hottest, most valid Ogier ever, he must be protecc at all costs. The Portal Stone to Toman Head, way out in the west. It's a lot.

... Rand's going to be blamed for Galldrian's death, isn't he? Since he went to prime rival Barthanes' party over Galldrian's. Whenever he declares himself/is outed as the Dragon Reborn, that is. Oh, well. I'm willing to bet Thom had a hand.

There were also exotic Domon and Fain POVs showing an entirely different culture from the one we've seen so far. Even Shienar was similar to the mainland civilization. I'm soorta iffy about the whole damane thing. It's interesting, changing the power dynamics of channelers, but with an adaptation being made, I'm worried about its potential fetishizability. At least Turak dude seems like an interesting character. And guess what? Another matriarchy! Again, with patriarchal systems and trappings intact, but hey. Will we get to meet this Empress? I hope so.

Meanwhile, Egwene and Nynaeve! In Tar Valon!! Meeting Elayne and Min! They don't hate each other! Delightful Aes Sedai lore galore! empty boi Logain strolling around, making me pity him. Nynaeve choking the Amyrlin was also great. Rage-activated magic, is Nynaeve the Hulk? She wears green in the show, too - is Hulk-coding a thing now? Anyway, I am gushing over all of these dynamics.

All except two, that is. Firstly, every young woman is still inexplicably attracted to Rand. I suppose I'll have to live with it. Rand certainly isn't a wish-fulfilment character, so that's a bit better. A bit. But I really don't like MC attraction syndrome that plagues much of fiction. And secondly - man, I so didn't imagine Liandrin to be an actual Darkfriend. She was an antagonist, definitely. But I thought she would be the 'good intentions + zeal' type antagonist who realizes how her methods are helping the Dark One rather than defeating him and then dies in a heroic sacrifice. Her being a Darkfriend somehow takes away from her villainy. She becomes a less interesting villain this way. Bleh.

But enough about those others. It's time for the real best character.

I love her, your honour.

Verin, you fucking beaut. You non-good-looking, sharp, amazing wise beaut. If Robert Jordan (or Sanderson) kills her, I will lose it. Moiraine who? Nynaeve who? I only know Verin. Whoever underestimates her or calls her book smart can kindly die mad about it. Fuck off please, we don't need you here. That includes you, Moiraine and Siuan Sanche. You give her all the respect in the world or you will suffer.

I'm really glad to know that the whole 'Brown Ajah wouldn't survive five seconds in the real world' stuff was from the characters as opposed to the narrative. At least that's the case for Verin. Even though she hasn't faced Darkfriends and/or Trollocs directly yet, (in front of our characters, that is) she's shown great real-world smarts and none of the characters would survive without her. Plus, she understands the value of keeping Rand's secret, and chides him when he uses too much of saidin. In most stories, she would've been the 'curious to the point of madness' type one who would encourage Rand to channel just to study it, but nope, not Verin. Also:

"And what I learned after nearly being caught by the snows in the Mountains of Mist and freezing my way across Almoth Plain – was absolutely nothing."

Oh, she's definitely been places, seen things. I can't wait to see her in action and absolutely steamroll Moiraine and anyone else in terms of efficiency and conflict resolution. No, she probably won't be using big, flashy magic, but everyone will be safe as well as closer to the goal. I'm a Verin simp now. Deal with it.

(Moiraine also had an interesting little side quest with the bits of prophecy, but I don't remember much of it rn, so yeah. Hopefully, we'll see her on Toman Head.)

#wheel of time #wot #the eye of the world #the great hunt #robert jordan #verin mathwin #rand al'thor #moiraine damodred #books & libraries #read along

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torturedpoetemotions · 3 years

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I don't wanna get in the way of your bicharacters post but one iffy thing in establishing a character as gay or lesbian or implying that they are gold-star anything is that there is a tradition in popular culture to use any other type of relationship that could be seen as heterosexual as "redeeming" of their gayness (which is sick, totally and completely) and that tradition not only tends to erase being bi, but goes on to try and erase anything non-het about that character...

… and so confronting biphobia and bi erasure in popular culture is essentially about tearing down an entire system and tradition of presenting non-het story lines and characters as negative or alternative, and then actually and fully realizing and sustaining that a character is non-het, is not in a phase or a weird time in their life, and that in the case of being bi/pan/not gay or straight they are that orientation no matter what their situation.

This is an oooooold ask, but Pride Month seems like as good a time as any to answer it!

So first off, let me just say that the so-called gold star is some bullshit that has some seriously biphobic, transphobic, cissexist, sex-negative/slut-shaming, closet shaming overtones to it. So right off the bat, if the goal of any writer is to establish their characters as "gold star" queers of any stripe, I'm going to be disinclined to engage with their work (unless of course they are explicitly addressing and critiquing the whole gold star concept).

This ask was, if I remember correctly, in relation to a post I made a long-ass time ago about characters that could arguably have been canonically bisexual if not for the writers’ misunderstanding of bisexuality, ingrained heteronormativity, or outright biphobia. Granted, one or two of the characters on that list have since been more or less confirmed bisexual (which is great!), while others still languish in the land of queerbaiting (not great).

But this also reads kinda like it was in response to my particular issues with Joss Whedon’s depiction of Willow Rosenberg in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and possibly Ryan Murphy’s depiction of Blaine Anderson in Glee.

The first is an example where the (straight) writer responsible specifically justified their decision not to represent bisexuality with this notion that it’s “too tricky” or that they felt they might be muddying the waters by doing so, and so opted for the “simpler” task of lesbian representation. Which IMO is insulting to lesbians and bisexuals alike, and indicates just how little thought and care went into that aspect of Willow’s character. Bisexuals are not too complicated to represent, and lesbians are not your fallback "easy mode” representation just because you’re not a good enough writer to do some other sexuality justice.

The second is an example where the (gay) writer dismissed bisexuality as a valid identity and option out of hand in both the text and in interviews about the text. In the text, he basically uses Kurt as a mouthpiece to say that bisexuality is being half-closeted. In interviews, he implied that he chose to write the character of Blaine as gay because his being bisexual would somehow undermine the power of the show’s representation. This, of course, is just extremely biphobic to the core, to the extent that I’m not even going to argue the point beyond that. It’s self-evidently gross.

But…now, I could be wrong, but to me this ask reads like maybe not an outright defense of some of this “preserving the representation” thinking, but at the very least positing that it’s a plausibly well-intentioned explanation for some writers’ tendency to opt for bi erasure. I…disagree, to put it very mildly, and I’ll tell you why.

1. Bisexuality Is Not Gay Lite

The tendency to think of bisexuality as “half gay,” “gay lite,” or “half closeted” is biphobic. Any writer who uses this defense is immediately suspect to me, because they clearly haven’t done the most basic reading. This is not new information. It wasn’t new information when Buffy was airing, and it certainly wasn’t by the time Glee came along.

You cannot combat or alter problematic thinking by buying the underlying logic of that thinking and playing into it. You can’t combat the notion that heterosexuality is the default by refusing to show bisexual characters because heterosexuality is seen as the default. You can’t combat the notion that being gay or a lesbian is a phase or deviation from the “norm” by refusing to depict bisexual characters because some of their relationships might be perceived as het. You can’t combat the notion that being gay is curable or can be undone by telling people you couldn’t depict bisexuality for fear of implying that.

If anything, writers defending their choices not to depict bisexuals with “well if they dated someone of the opposite gender again it’d be like we went back on them being gay” reinforces the narrative that straight is the default and gay is deviation from the default, that straight is the origin and it’s possible to “deviate” and then “return to normal.”

This line of thinking is not only rampantly homophobic, it’s also biphobic and bi-erasing as hell. Comments from writers afraid to “water down” their queer representation with bisexuality are only reinforcing this false idea and contributing to heteronormativity across the board.

2. Dating History ≠ Orientation

The second reason I think this is a bullshit explanation for bi erasure is that a character’s romantic/sexual relationships are not a person’s sexuality, and are also not the only way to give the audience information about a character’s sexuality. People talk about their feelings and attraction. Straight people and characters certainly do it all the time! Straight characters will have whole scenes just talking or complaining about their romance-related woes, foibles, and confusion, sometimes without the audience ever meeting the person they’re talking about. Why the hell should queer characters be any different?

Thankfully, some writers in the last fifteen years or so have finally figured this out. It’s becoming more common for writers to simply allow their characters to say “I’m bisexual” or have other characters to note that they’re bisexual, out loud (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Legends of Tomorrow, Grey’s Anatomy, Black Lightning, Shadowhunter Chronicles). Most of these instances have even felt organic and extremely in-character, contrary to the constant refrain from queerphobes of all stripes that this would be awkward or unrealistic to do.

It’s also become more common to allow queer characters the space to just…talk about their queer attraction and how they experience it, as casually as straight characters talk about their straightness all the time (see Roswell, New Mexico, Grey’s Anatomy again, Legends of Tomorrow again, Sense8, and (suprisingly) Game of Thrones). Sometimes this takes the form of commiserating with friends, asking for advice, or simply sharing experiences. Other times, it takes the form of directly correcting another character’s misconceptions about bisexuality (though I will admit, this is something I dislike seeing a ton of; if it starts to feel like the bi character is constantly having to defend their sexuality, I’m out).

Another common way to show a character’s bisexuality is to show them flirting with people of multiple genders. This works better with a more flirty, extroverted character, but it’s definitely another tool that more recent writers have made very effective use of (Legends of Tomorrow’s takes on both Sara Lance and John Constantine are two excellent and prominent recent examples, but an older example is Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood, or Magnus Bane from the Shadowhunter Chronicles books and TV show).

All of these are ways that aren’t at all dependent on dating history to show that a character is bisexual. And in some ways, these are preferable over depending on dating history alone or primarily, because they’re more about the character than who they’re dating. Just as in the real world a person’s sexuality is about them, not who they’re with at any given time.

3. What About The Closet?

Now, some people will want to talk about the fact that the closet and heteronormativity exist, and maybe the writers just want to show that in their writing. And sure, there are people who have straight relationships who later realize they are gay. There are people who feel obligated to perform heterosexuality in order to keep themselves safe, who later come out as gay. There are even people who wonder if they may be bisexual before realizing they’re definitely gay.

All of those are valid experiences, and any gay writer saying “I chose to write it this way because this is a thing gay people experience that I wanted to explore” would never hear a peep from me against it. How a gay writer chooses to write about specifically gay experiences is not the issue here. The issue is how writers–gay or straight–write and speak about bisexuality as though it’s somehow threatening to gay identity and representation. Also, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that a gay writer who writes about the closet...actually writes about the closet. Instead of writing about bisexual identity from a place of ignorance.

When straight writers try to write queer representation, fuck it up, and then blame homophobia for their failings, I’m calling bullshit. When straight writers commit bi erasure and blame gay fans, I’m calling bullshit. And when gay or straight writers claim it’s just “too hard” to depict bisexuality without undermining gay and lesbian representation somehow, I’m calling bullshit. I’m calling bullshit and biphobia, and so should you.

#ask box #reply #anonymous #biphobia #bi erasure #glee #buffy the vampire slayer #ryan murphy #joss whedon #willow rosenberg #blaine anderson #queer representation #pride 2021

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ultrahamilham · 4 years

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You tagged me in a thing and I had a stroke, bless you

I get all Pikachu meme whenever I see you in my dash and you've referred to me and acknowledged my existence because it is literally the best thing ever, I have a mini stroke every time

Three ships: Jamilton, Jamilams and Jamilmads (would've said lams but then it just sounds like I'm saying the same ship in three different ways lol)

Last song: Uhh, I don't listen to music much, but Ultimately by Khai dreams

Last movie: The Hunchback of Notre dame

Currently craving: Sushi, oddly enough (I haven't had it in about nine years but still, want)

Currently reading: The Da Vinci code, and about five different fanfictions

About a very late answer to your question (My family has COVID, which is shocking to hear, or so I'm told, but they're recovering and they fortunately had a mild case and no one has any history of disease so they're going to be okay! That's what the doctor said and I'm praying), Taco hell made me laugh really hard when I read it and really lifted my spirits because I remember being in not a great place when I started it but it made me smile which was like, a thing for me, and don't judge me but I think The three way was probably my favourite and I don't want to think about what that says about me but it was really because I love works that are that long (around 50k is always my sweet spot). I'm not sure if I'm remembering right and I'm so so sorry if I'm getting the title song wrong but that one Jamilton fic with uh, Gucci and fendi in the title was really fun to read ;-;

I also remeber the first work of yours I ever read was this comfort Whamilton around 1.5 or 2k where it starts raining and Alexander is on edge but George comforts him- Okay, I'm ranting now, apologies. ;-; (idk You're super cool and I want to talk to you like, normally, but you'll hateee me and I don't want that and so here)

I never really get a chance to respond as soon as I'd like, BUT I never get to and if you don't want to know/care about my life- please skip to the next paragraph thank you. So, I did end up watching Snowpiercer! I watched all ten episodes in one day which is iffy to say the least, but I'm still alive! I did love it. And I've been alright- a bit anxious with everything, but I've been giving my tests and uni and stuff. Yesterday, I was about to go to the vet when u realised about two minutes into the ride that I forgot my dog so that was embarrassing. Almost competing with the time I dropped my phone and then followed it, dropping to my knees and immediately bursting into tears (Nothing even happened to my phone!). So if you read this, thank you again.

I wanted to ask how you were doing too! If you don't mind xxx

And as for the fanfic writer asks, would you mind answering 50 ;-;

Wgjfvqkcwkh also I heard about you and Henni getting married so CONGRATULATIONS that is the most amazing, sweetest thing and in honestly so f*cking happy for both of you. I audibly awwed when I saw that post and I can't believe I just remembered.

I'm so sorry this got out of hand with how long it is, I didn't mean for it to be ;-;

-shy anon, sincerely apologising for possibly ruining your day by oversharing and/or overstepping (also with love and congratulations for you and her)

I get the surprised pikachu face whenever you show up in my ask box ;-; It always makes me happy!!!

Okay but sushi is always good. The craving comes randomly for me as well. I didn’t crave it at all when I used to make it for a living, because I got so tired of it, but now I crave it every once in a while lol it’s really good ;-;

I really hope everyone is doing okay! COVID is scary and it’s no joke. Having it before was horrible for me and I would never wish it on anyone. I hope everyone including you is okay ;-;

I’m glad Taco Hell did what I was meaning for it to do! It’s meant to be lighthearted and make people laugh. It’s based off of my life and it’s actual situations I end up in all the time. It’s quite amusing lol

I would never judge you. The Three Way is literally the one fic I am most proud of. I could never judge you. I literally go back and read it every once in a while and go like “I made that... Holy fuck...”

Oh! Gucci Not Fendi is the title. I’m glad you liked it!!!

Rant all you want! I adore that Whamilton fic ;-;

Seriously, my dear, I can promise you that I won’t hate you at all. Believe me, I really won’t. I’m probably the most awkward and annoying person anyone will ever know and I overshare like everything. People know more about me than they really should.. Lol

I care about your life, I was the one that asked you to tell me! But honestly, snowpiercer was soooo good... Like I tried to binge it all in one day but I was trying to write as well and it didn’t go over well lmao, snowpiercer ended up winning! I’m really glad you watched it!!!

That whole forgetting your dog thing is a mood. Today I forgot to turn on the food heaters and I realized it right before it was too late. Almost lost $200 worth of meat... Oops... Lmao

I do that with my phone if I drop it even if it’s okay. I just freak the fuck out and cry before I know if there really is an issue

Also I’m doing good! I decided to just lay back and relax tonight so I’m having a few drinks and I’m gonna watch random shit lol I was up for 33 hours the night before last and slept for 15 hours after. I can’t recommend doing that, especially not when you’re like 24. I’m too old for that shit.

Hell yeah I can do 50! I will give you a sneak peak at the 3rd part of the three way... .-. It will be posted on Oct 19th!!!

Here it is. This is seriously NSFW lol:

Alexander looked down at Thomas and ran the fingers of his free hand through Thomas' hair. He licked his lips as he watched Thomas work his tongue expertly inside George. "You're such a good boy Thomas, you're already wrecking him." He purred.

Thomas let out a low moan and kept up the work, getting a little more aggressive. Alexander could feel himself getting hard in his pants at the sight coupled with George's shameless moans. Alexander looked back at George's face and grinned a bit. "Are you proud of us, Daddy?" He asked.

George pressed his forehead against the headrest and panted as Thomas wrecked him. He tried to push back against Thomas to no avail. "Fuck… Y-yes… Yes you two did so good… Please… Please do as you wish… Whatever you choose, do it… I will take whatever you give me, you de-deserve it…" George bit out desperately.

Alexander grinned in delight at that. He looked at Thomas who looked just as excited from what George just said. He then touched Thomas' shoulder. "Alright, that's enough babe. I'm going to stretch him, then we can give him a good spanking. Why don't you undress for me? I have a little treat for you." He purred. -END of the preview.

Thank you so much! We are so freaking happy that it’s happening. We were planning it more today! It’s so amazing ugh.

I appreciate it all the same! It’s not too long for me at all!! Don’t you worry my dear <3 you didn’t overstep at all!

#shy anon #sweet bean

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sssssssim · 5 years

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I'm so glad you finished Jessica Jones, so I can ask you about it! lol, especially that ending, omg. They knew this was gonna be the end so I'm very curious why they went that route with Kilgrave. I've always had a love/hate feelings towards Trish - I love how she and Jessica only have each other, but the whole "hero" thing has always been had to watch between them, so seeing Trish at the end was sad for me, for Jessica's sake too. I enjoyed Malcolm but Jeri, my god, such new lows for her.

O K A Y S O

I have Opinions and you’re going to have spoilers. Major spoilers, stop reading.

Trish. I’m going to start by saying that I never loved her, I never had strong feelings for her. This season, I thought her arc was interesting enough. But. When I realised (pretty late on, I’ll admit) where it was heading towards, I couldn’t help but think ah, they’re pulling a Game of Thrones. Cause... that’s exactly what they did. They made her crazy, and they made it look like she had always been crazy.

I have mixed feelings about it, honestly. Yeah, as you said, I feel sad for her, and I feel sad for Jessica, but I also kinda wanna say that it was bad writing. Ya know? But, I also wanna say that it made more sense than Dany’s madness in GOT, at least in my mind. Trish made mistakes throughout the seasons, I knew she will either end up dead, or some place worse. ... She ended up some place worse, yeah. Should we be happy she ain’t dead? I honestly don’t know.

I always thought Jeri was a bitch. A strong bitch, but a bitch nonetheless. I... have no thoughts or feelings about her, tbh. I feel like her arc was pretty separate from the rest of the characters, as opposed to other seasons, so meeeh.

Now, look, I love Malcom. I loved him from the start. He, also, screwed up throughout the seasons, but I’m pretty glad of where his story ended. I mean, the random hooker was a surprise and I don’t know why she was there, but for the rest of it, I’m very good with it.

As for Jessica... I’m good. I’m okay with that ending.

I mEaN. When she was leaving, I was okay with it. She gave Malcom the keys, she said goodbye, in her own way, to Trish, there was nothing left for her in New York.

And then I heard that fucking voice, and I gasped, and I covered my mouth with my hands and I legit felt a shiver running down my spine. Literally. I’m not exaggerating for the internet.

And then... I... thought about it. Killgrave made me think about it. And I realized that yeah, I’d prefer it if she didn’t leave New York.

As for Killgrave... I have no idea what it means. Is he back, somehow? Is it just a hallucination, a sign of her losing it? Did losing Trish make Jessica start losing her mind? I don’t know.

But fucking hell, that was a good ending. Because if shocked the underwear off of me, and because it leaves room for what’s to come. You can think of a billion and a half continuations to the end, and I love it that way.

I’d also like to mention one more thing: Luke. He was the only one of the Defenders that didn’t get a proper ending on his show. I mean... neither did Daredevil and Iron Fist, they thought they were going to get a new season, but the endings they had, they were okay enough. Like Jess, open for interpretation, and with not a lot of questions left unanswered. Luke didn’t get that on his show, but he got it here. And I enjoyed it.

Overall, I think it was a good season. I’m not sure about the ending, I’m iffy about it. But the rest of the season was good and I enjoyed it.

As far as it goes, for an ending for The Defenders era... no. It kinda made me want to watch The Defenders show again.

#sim watches jessica jones #jessica jones #spoilers #sim answers #Anonymous

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heartbreakerholland · 6 years

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lunchtime losers [p.p.]

Summary: Peter Parker was one of your best friends in high school, but there were moments that made you question who exactly he could be to you. Here are a few of those moments you spent in Midtown, trying to figure things out year by year.

Word count: 6.8k

Warnings: mentions of underaged drug use, mild swearing, open ended. . . ending(?), unedited

Disclaimer: i cannot stress enough that you shouldn't do drugs/alcohol while underaged. i know high school is weird and everybody might seem to be experimenting with new things, but i promise there'll be a time and place where it's appropriate to do so. i am in no way glamorizing/romanticizing (underaged) drug use, even if it's such a small portion of this fic. drug/alcohol abuse is very serious, even as a teenager when it doesn't seem like you're abusing it.

A/N: i have some pointers! this is a different writing style compared to what i've posted before. i've written like this back when i first started writing fanfiction years ago and quite frankly, i don't even like it that much, so i'm very iffy about this. this is based off of my own experience with getting to know my feelings about a good friend, and a lot of the scenes in here are closely accurate to what's actually happened in my life. the only part that i can say is 100% pure imagination is the ending, which i know will probably make a lot of you frustrated ☺️ (it's because i still haven't told this person my feelings for him oops) ANYWAYS this is written in a very one sided perspective, but i tried to write in a way that you can read between the lines and get a little idea of what peter’s feelings are too. a lot of peter’s and the reader’s feelings are told merely through action and dialogue and less of actual explaining, but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless 💞

feedback is greatly appreciated and feel free to request a part 2! enjoy reading!

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•••

Freshman Year

"This has been going on for weeks," Michelle muttered to you. "If the tension at the table gets any worse, then I'm not sitting with you guys anymore."

You stepped out of the lunch line with your tray in hand, following MJ to stand away from the crowd of students. Looking behind her, you watched Peter and Ned enter the lunch room and sit down at your usual table.

You rolled your eyes. "I already told you. Maybe Peter likes me and maybe I like him back, but he's always been one of my closest friends. I don't want to ruin that."

She scoffed and began walking towards the table with you at her side. "So? You can date and still be friends—"

"But what about when we break up? We either stay friends or never talk to each other again. I'm not risking it."

You knew she would have said more, but the two of you already made it to your table. You took place in your usual seats, Michelle next to Ned and you across from them, next to Peter. You set your backpack on the ground underneath the bench where everyone sat. Without thinking about it, you handed Peter your chocolate milk carton and apple sauce, while he slid over his fruit snacks that May always packed for him. It was a routine; you always got those because you didn't like eating it but you knew Peter did, and Peter never told May that he doesn't like fruit snacks because you loved eating them.

MJ narrowed her gaze at you during the interaction, but you chose to ignore her. It was nothing more than a routine.

"Y/N, Michelle," Ned said. "Please tell Peter that he's being stupid.”

Without missing a beat, you and MJ repeated Ned's words at the same time.

Peter glanced between the two of you with mock surprise. "You didn't even know what we were talking about!"

MJ shrugged, taking a bite out of her food. "Don't have to. You're always stupid, Parker."

He put a hand over his chest. "I'm hurt, guys. I really am."

You chuckled but said nothing more, allowing your three friends to carry the conversation while your mind wandered.

You tried your best to pinpoint the moment you began liking Peter as more than a friend, but your heart wasn't into it.

All you could really tell was when you became more conscious of how close you always sat with him, thighs glued to the side and elbows never coming apart. You blamed it on the lunch table crowded with other students on either side of your friend group, giving you absolutely no space for Jesus in between.

You would catch yourself staring, taking note of his mannerisms and how his light brown hair always seemed to bounce whenever his head moved. You decided you noticed those things because of how long you've been friends with him.

You realized you always watched for his reaction first before seeing the others' after you said something funny, but you told yourself it was only because you valued his opinion the most.

You tried taking note of his flaws in hopes that it would get rid of whatever those feelings were. His hands were always clammy, his backpack was so big that you weren't sure how he didn't topple over when it was on his back, and sometimes he'd spit a little when he talked a lot. (For some reason, those things didn't push you away like you wanted.)

You felt a kick from under the table, bringing you back to the cafeteria. You looked up to be met with Michelle's glare, who signaled you to check your phone. Reaching into your pocket, you took your phone out and looked at the screen under the table.

Michael Jackson: if u keep staring at peter then he might actually notice for once

You gave MJ a look, who was the one who sent the text, and put your phone away. You didn't realize you'd been mindlessly eating until you felt full. You slid your food to Peter, who began eating the rest of it without second thought. (He always ate his lunch first then whatever you couldn't finish as well.) Routine.

Before you could actively participate in the conversation, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.

The four of you rose from the long table, gathering your trash to throw it away. You slouched over to grab your bag from where you put it.

"Here ya go," Peter said from behind.

You turned around to see him holding up your backpack for you.

"Oh, thanks," you smiled, swinging the backpack over your shoulders.

He returned the smile. "You going to your locker?"

"Like always, Pete."

"Alright," he slowly backed away. "See you in five?"

You nodded and began walking the other direction, where your locker was. Michelle followed Peter to the band room while Ned decided to accompany you on your short walk.

"Soooo, Y/N," he said suggestively. "That dance is coming up."

You groaned. "I thought the four of us were just going to sleep over at MJ's that night?"

You stopped in front of your locker, opening it to grab a textbook for one of your classes later in the day. You grabbed one of Peter's hoodies that he left in there, knowing it would be cold in the band room. (You had a locker in one side of the school while Peter had his own in the other side. You both agreed to share both, merely for convenience and nothing more.) Ned leaned on the locker next to yours, facing you.

He fiddled with his backpack straps. "You know how the school's making it a 'girls ask guys' kind of thing? Well, Michelle was thinking that maybe we should go! Like, she'll ask me and you can ask Peter—"

You raised a pointed finger at your friend. "I see what you're doing now," you accused him. You shut the locker and began walking towards the band room with Ned beside you. "I don't condone meddling, Leeds."

"But Y/N!" he said excitedly. "MJ and I know that you two like each other. You know that Peter likes you. He knows that you like him. You know that he knows that you like him. He knows that you know that he likes you. It's a win-win!"

You sighed. "You're making it sound more complicated than it actually is."

The two of you made it to the band room and Ned opened the door for both of you to walk in. You both headed to retrieve your instruments, with other students swarming by.

"You're making it actually complicated! Look, Y/N. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but," he lowered his voice, "if you don't ask Peter to the dance, then he's gonna ask you."

You froze, holding your instrument case in the air. "What?" You regained yourself and set the case down, facing Ned. "No, Ned. No. Listen. I'll tell you what I told Michelle, okay? I just want to be Peter's friend—"

"But you like him!"

"But I don't want to do anything about it. It's just a crush—it'll pass. I treasure our friendship more than having a crush that won't last forever."

Ned raised and dropped his arms exasperatedly, giving up.

Michelle popped up, seeming chipper than usual. "Hey guys, we're practicing for contest today," she said. "What're you talking about?"

"It's not gonna happen, MJ," Ned sighed. He grabbed his instrument and trudged away, leaving you two alone since the rest of the students seem to have gone in their respective practice rooms already.

Michelle put her hands on her hips and stared at you, her attitude changing back to normal. "Why not, Y/N? Are you scared or something?"

You sighed. You turned around and headed the same direction Ned went, with MJ following closely behind. "No, I'm not scared. Can you guys please stop meddling? I just don't want anything to happen, and that's it."

The two of you stopped in front of your designated practice room, the door closed. You peeked through the small window in the door, seeing the boys were already in there, oblivious to you and MJ on the other side.

"Why not?" Michelle asked. "You'll regret not ever knowing what could have been—"

"No, that's the thing," you interjected. You were tired of hearing these talks about Peter, and it was beginning to show. "I know that I won't regret it. I can daydream about 'could-have-beens' with Peter all my life, and I'll be fine with that. I don't want to lose him, and if that means that I can't be with him romantically, then that's what I'm gonna do. Having a crush is always temporary, Michelle. Peter's the kind of person that I want permanently in my life. Do you know what I mean now?"

She stared at you with a hint of sadness in her eyes, like she could see right through your words. See what, you weren't sure. After a skeptical moment, she took a breath, surrendering. "Alright, fine. I'll let him know that."

You took a breath of relief. "Thank you."

Michelle turned to open the door to the practice room, Ned and Peter welcoming the two of you in.

The practice room was small with the four of you and your instruments in it, meaning you'd be in close quarters with them—Peter specifically.

It was easy to pretend your feelings for Peter weren't there. It was easy to act like yourself despite the elephant in the room. Before the complications, you and Peter were glued together, so why treat him differently now?

Maybe you noticed him noticing you, watching your moves when you pretended you couldn't see where his line of sight was directed. Maybe you took note of him flinching back whenever you accidentally brushed against him, and how the sweat from his palms were more prominent on his instrument.

But it was easier to ignore those things, which is what made it easier for you to act like it never happened in the first place.

Sophomore Year

You weren't usually one to gloat, but damn it you were right about the situation with Peter and you told yourself that you should be happy about it.

Crushes were always temporary. Friendship could last forever.

Could.

Michelle and Ned eventually stopped bringing it up freshman year, and you figured Peter eventually stopped liking you as well.

The whole ordeal wasn't something any of you talked about, an unsaid truth never to be spoken. You refused to even think about those weird few months and how you felt during that time. You told yourself that having a mutual crush on your best friend wasn't something to think about.

You were just glad that you weren't the center of Peter's attention anymore. You knew this was true, mainly because his attention drifted to Liz Allen. The intelligent, breathtaking, lucky girl: Liz Allen.

Besides Peter's obvious crush on her, nothing changed.

"If you three weren't my only friends at this school," MJ said, "I'd stop eating lunch with you guys."

You followed her out of the lunch line after paying, just like the normal routine since last year. The two of you began walking across the cafeteria and towards the same table you've always sat at, with Ned and Peter already there. (The only difference nowadays was Peter sat next to Ned, and you and MJ sat across from them, so Peter could helplessly drool over Liz across the lunch room.)

You chuckled. "Me too, I think. . . It's because of Peter, huh?"

She groaned. "Duh. All he does is gush about her."

You laughed as you sat down next to Michelle, having finally made it to the table. Before even being able to look at your food, Peter began talking.

"She straightened her hair today, guys! She looks so different but still. . . so good."

Ned followed where Peter's eyes were, seeing it was true. Michelle faked a gag, which only you noticed.

The two of you ate your food in silence, which was something different compared to before Liz came in the picture. Peter also stopped bringing you fruit snacks and eating the food that you couldn't finish, as well as denying to take chocolate milk and apple sauce from you.

Sometimes you'd catch yourself missing those little things, but you told yourself it was only because of the change in what used to be normal. Before, normal was getting squished next to Peter and enjoying it, oddly realizing the days he switched between his cologne, and endless banter between the four of you. Now, normal was having to think of what to say to strike a conversation with him, rolling your eyes at his comments on Liz, and being vaguely aware of the few times he looked your way.

You would find yourself hurting, and you'd have to correct your thoughts and say it was only missing the past. There was no use in feeling sorry for yourself, though. Things happen, feelings change, and that was that. You were still friends with Peter in one way or another, and that's what you wanted, so clearly you had to be happy about things going your way.

"You guys are losers," Michelle told the boys, who were still fawning over the senior girl in the cafeteria.

Peter didn't seem to hear her, (he didn't seem to hear anything you and MJ said, nowadays), but Ned shrugged. "You're still friends with us," he replied.

That was true. You were still friends and that's what mattered. It was weird having to remind yourself of that fact, but it was still that: a fact.

"Hey, Y/N?" Peter spoke out of nowhere.

His voice fazed you. It was odd hearing him say your name now, especially after realizing he used to say it almost as often as he breathed.

"You know about girls, right?"

You and Michelle shared a glance, knowing where this was headed.

"I mean, I am a girl, so yeah," you said. You looked at him, but his eyes never seemed to have left the special girl seated somewhere behind you. You paid no mind to it, your eyes going over how his head was dreamily rested on his hand.

"Okay, so," he began. "Hypothetically speaking. . . If you're a senior, would you date a guy that's a sophomore?"

You rolled your eyes, but decided to mess with Peter. "Well, what's the guy like?"

Michelle snorted.

"He's, uhm. . . He's pretty smart. Really nice, I think—"

"He's a cutie!" Ned chimed in.

You shrugged. "Well, if that's all he has going for him. . ."

"No!" Peter retaliated. "He's really cool, and uh, thinks you're pretty! Yeah, you're pretty."

You felt your face heat up and you were glad that none of your friends were looking at you for once.

You were warned that the people you walk into high school with would never be the people you'd walk out of high school with. People grew apart and that was life, apparently. You didn't think those warnings would actually apply to you, though. You thought the four of you were too strong together to separate.

By the time sophomore year was halfway done, you were proved dearly wrong.

You thought Liz would be the only strain on your friendship with Peter, but his behavior drastically changed out of nowhere then suddenly he got an internship with Stark Enterprises. Peter was one of the smartest people you ever met, so you weren't surprised. If anything, the real surprise was he not only quit the only class he had with you—which was music—but he stopped even trying to talk to you.

You and Michelle decided to stop sitting with Peter and Ned during lunch.

"There he goes again," Michelle pointed.

You followed her gaze and saw that Peter was fawning over Liz again, which was weird considering he rarely showed up during lunch anymore.

It hurt. You knew that now. Missing Peter wasn't something you'd expect to feel, but lately? It's all you've felt.

You didn't have to miss MJ or Ned, because you still saw them and talked to them regularly. It was only Peter. Always Peter freaking Parker.

Maybe you took him for granted. You'd never thought that there'd come a day that you'd stop sharing food, sharing classes, sharing a conversation.

"No point in regretting it," you said aloud.

It was more for yourself than to Michelle. You made your decision on who Peter was to you, so it would only be a waste of time in wondering who he could have been.

Junior Year

Something changed sophomore year. Ned told you that Peter ditched the academic decathlon which resulted in him getting detention. That was something you never expected to hear, considering Peter was the perfect example of Midtown High's star student.

The beginning of junior year, you saw him in music. He stayed this time.

He seemed to be taking advantage of "conveniently" getting the same class like before. He made a point to talk to you again—during class and lunch—and it was like he never ditched you and MJ.

"Oh my God," you rolled your eyes. You aggressively turned your body to face Peter who sat beside you. "You just want to win! You're not even right!"

He looked at Ned and MJ sat in front of you two for help, but they only stared back with clear amusement. (The four of you assumed your usual seats from freshman year, so you would always get squished against Peter's side at lunch again.)

"It doesn't matter if I'm right!" he exclaimed with big hand gestures. "A debate is a debate! You could be right—I'm not saying you are—but I'm just better at debating than you."

Ned did a terrible job at hiding his laughter from the argument you were having with Peter.

This was something that you were happy you had the chance of getting used to again—not that you'd ever tell Peter that. As soon as the school year began and all of you sat together, not so playful yelling was all that accompanied the lunch table.

The dorky boy loved proving himself right, and you loved proving people wrong. As soon as the second week of sharing lunch in the cafeteria passed by, it would have been weird not to bicker with him like before.

Michelle slammed her book closed, startling the three of you to silence. "Look," she said, giving you and Peter a death glare. "Y/N, Peter has some good points—all only technical, but still good."

Peter thanked her and you huffed, upset MJ wasn't on your side.

"Shut up, Peter," she said. "Peter, Y/N's still right, and you're just gross."

"Ha!" you yelled, then rose from the table's bench and reached over to high-five Ned. (You were sure he'd side with either of you, but it was the thought that counts.)

Peter scoffed. "It's not that gross," he said, refusing to take Michelle's answer. "If you were on a deserted island with a bag of frozen chicken nuggets and no microwave, it would still be safe to eat them—"

"The directions say to microwave them for a reason, Peter!" you interrupted.

"It's already cooked!" he brought up, which was something he pointed out earlier in the conversation. "It's cooked before it's frozen, then you can just warm it up in the microwave—but that doesn't mean you have to—"

"Y'know what, fine," you said, slamming your hands down on top of the lunch table. "You can eat frozen chicken nuggets all you want, Peter. But I am going to warm mine up in the microwave like everybody else. And if you get some weird disease, don't come crying to me because I was right—"

"I won't come crying back to you! Because I'm still right!"

The bell rang, signaling the end of your lunch before you could put another word in. The four of you immediately rose, with MJ and Ned heading straight to the band room.

You reached down for your backpack, only not to find it where you left it. Turning around, Peter held it in the air for you to shrug on. Just like before.

The two of you silently walked side by side to your locker so you could switch out textbooks and get one of Peter's sweaters that he always "forgot" in there.

"How's that one guy doing?" Peter asked, one hand in his jean pocket with the other gripping his backpack strap.

You shrugged, opening your locker. He leaned against the locker next to yours, staring you down with his usual grin.

You'd be damned if you didn't say puberty was doing Parker well. You wouldn't have noticed it if he hadn't ditched you last school year, but he definitely got. . . toned, to say the least. He also learned how to use hair gel and walked around school with clothes that seemed to make him more confident.

You cleared the thoughts away. Those things were only noticeable because you were friends with him. Obviously.

"You mean Carlos?" you replied. You reached into the locker and sorted out what you needed to.

Peter nodded then grabbed the textbooks you had in your arms. You shut the locker and the two of you began your walk to the band room.

"I'm pretty sure he was flirting with me, which was nice," you told your friend. "But he stopped talking to me out of nowhere and hasn't even opened my messages since."

He scrunched his eyebrows. "Here, lemme see the messages."

Before you could reach in your back pocket for your phone, Peter beat you to it with his free hand. He unlocked it and went to the messages. While reading it, he chuckled.

"Seriously, Y/N?" he said, amused. "That's why he stopped replying! You called him 'dude!'"

You gave him a shocked look. "So what? I call everyone dude."

Making it to the band room, you opened the door and followed Peter in. He spoke while the two of you set down your belongings. "You friend-zoned him."

You scoffed. "I did not!"

He gave you a look. "Y/N. I've been friend-zoned enough times to know when somebody else is getting friend-zoned."

You rolled your eyes and turned around to get yours and Peter's instruments, but something felt off about what he said. You didn't really care about talking to Carlos, but what Peter said felt like it was partially directed to you. You didn't blame him, because you technically did friend-zone him. . . but that was two years ago! Clearly he let it go by now, because you definitely did.

Senior Year

You and Michelle stumbled inside her home, waving a goodbye to Peter—who dropped you two off—before shutting the front door.

"Dude," you turned to her. She looked at you with glazed eyes, but was still able to keep her focus. You continued, "I am so gone."

Both of you giggled, leaning on each other to take off your shoes and put aside your bags. MJ led you to a couch, retrieved water from the kitchen, then sat next to you. She chugged the water down with a hand clearly steadier than yours. "What do you mean?" she asked. Her eyes were bloodshot and droopy, but she looked put together for the most part.

You shrugged lazily, taking a sip of your water. "You've seen me smoke," you said to her. "I've been. . . chill, buzzed, whatever. But right now? I am high." Laughter interrupted whatever you could have said next, though you weren't sure if you had anything to say.

She laughed with you, still clearly having a good time despite being more sober. "Really?"

"Yeah," you nodded. "Like," you looked around the room, searching for the right set of words. "I haven't been this high in a while. . . Like, you've never seen me this gone."

"Ooh," she rubbed her hands together comically. "I'm excited."

You rubbed your eye, forgetting the makeup you had on. "Why?"

"Because!" she chirped up. "You know what they say? Drunk words are sober thoughts. Well, high words too, maybe."

You shook your head with a smile before drinking more water. You didn't mind letting loose with Michelle; you trusted her, which was why you smoked as much as you did in the first place. You were comfortable enough to allow her to see this side of you, even if there was the chance you might not remember any of it in the morning.

You helped each other up the stairs, having decided you should at least take off your makeup and change your clothes. (Thank God her parents weren't coming home that night.) By the time you both finished, you were seated comfortably on the couch once again, this time underneath one large blanket and with the television playing late night cartoons in front of you. A single lamp as well as the TV were your only light sources, which kept the living room in a dim glow.

"Can I be honest?" you spoke over the cartoons, startling Michelle. Neither of you were sobering up at all, but that fact didn't stop anything.

She nodded and turned off the TV. MJ turned to completely face you, giving you her attention. "Yeah," she said. "What's up?"

You began rambling without hesitation. "You know how Peter was at the game? Well, of course he was. He had to be because the band was playing for the football team and he's in band. . . But anyways, I didn't talk to him at all—he always seemed busy with somebody else—but I couldn't stop. . . I don't know. I caught myself looking for him a lot, like, to see if he moved around the bleachers or something."

Michelle nodded, allowing you to continue.

"Okay, well. . . I don't know, dude," you continued. "You remember how we had crushes on each other freshman year? Well—I don't think I have a crush on him, I swear—but I feel something. . . It's weird. He's one of my best friends but I know there's something stronger there."

She looked around the room thoughtfully, searching for a reply. "What do you feel?"

It was hard to think clearly and how to explain yourself; the only word that stayed in your head the entire time was his name. Peter, Peter, Peter.

You began rambling. As soon as the words left your mouth, you instantly forgot what they were, but that didn't stop you from talking. "Michelle, it's so weird. I've never really told you this but, remember when he had a crush on Liz? And when he ditched us for a while after that? I—I think I missed him. And not just as a friend. You know what, I don't know."

Peter, Peter, Peter.

You shook your hands in the air as if you could shoo your thoughts away.

You continued. "I care about him as a friend and stuff, but I don't think how I've felt about him is how I feel about other people, like you or Ned. It's different. Like, I don't want to lose him. I don't want him out of my life."

Peter, Peter, Peter.

You sighed. "When he was gone for the whole Stark Internship thing, it felt like I really lost someone. I mean, I don't have to talk to you or Ned for days—weeks, even—and I'll be fine. But when the same thing happened with Peter? I would feel so. . . lost."

Michelle nodded, staying attentive the entire time. There was a part of you that knew she wasn't high enough to forget any of this, though you were sure you wouldn't remember much.

"What do you want me to say?" she asked.

You shrugged, looking down at your hands. Peter, Peter. "What does it sound like to you? I don't know what I'm feeling is called, but it's definitely not just a friendly thing."

She stared at you for a moment, contemplating what to do next. "I'm not sure if this has anything to do with you two," she began, "but I think you should know. . . You know how you'd leave during lunch sometimes to go to the bathroom?"

You nodded, recalling the multiple occasions.

"Well," she continued. "Ned and I talked about it, and we noticed that Peter's not the same when you're gone, either. Like, he'd look so bored and would play games on his phone compared to when you're at the table and he'd never stop talking."

You imagined him doing so. "Huh."

"Yeah. . ." she said. "Let's just go to sleep, okay? Sleep on it, and I'll remind you whatever you forgot you said in the morning, alright? Then we can figure out what to do."

As soon as MJ said the word "sleep," you instantly realized how heavy your eyelids felt. You nodded at her proposal, and laid yourself down on the couch with her.

You weren't sure if your eyes were closed or if it was just that dark in the living room, but you were definitely thinking. You imagined the feeling of being brushed against Peter's body, whenever you sat next to each other or walked side by side in the school halls. He started driving recently, and for some reason you always got shotgun while MJ and Ned didn't hesitate to sit in the back. You could nearly feel your elbows touching when you both leaned on the console at the same time. You remembered the times he'd laugh around you, uncaring about how loud it might've been, as well as the fact that he said your name more times in one day than anybody else did in a whole month.

His absence sophomore year definitely put a strain on you. You loved Michelle and Ned to bits, but you were pretty sure you might've loved Peter in a different way.

Him being out of your life for that period of time was confusing but, at the same time, clearer than looking through a window. You managed to keep tabs on him even if it meant only scrolling through his Instagram or seeing how he'd hold himself across the hall. You knew then that you cared about that boy more than you ever cared for anyone else.

You were terrified of you two becoming more than friends because that meant you had a chance of it ending badly and never talking to him again. Staying friends meant staying safe.

It meant that you had more of a chance of him being with you, which is what you knew you always wanted. You knew you'd be happy, crush or not, as long as Peter was in your life the rest of the way.

Is that what it feels like to love?

You nervously rubbed your hands together, which gained odd looks from other students due to the warm New York weather. It was a few months after that fated night with Michelle, the day of the senior field trip. The entire senior class got to go into the city and do whatever they wanted for an entire school day.

Michelle coolly stood beside you, her hands in both her jacket pockets. "I'm excited," she admitted.

You squinted at her. "For what?"

An uncharacteristic smile broke her face. "You know! You're finally gonna confess your feelings to Parker. It's about time, honestly. Ned and I were beginning to think about calling off our deal we started freshman year—"

"Hey guys!" a voice chimed in from afar.

You gave MJ a look to stop talking about the subject, watching Ned and Peter walking towards you two.

"I am so excited," Ned said. You caught him giving Michelle a wink, which told you that she informed him of the "plan."

You would've groaned if Peter weren't standing right next to you.

"Me too!" Peter said obliviously. "I really want to check out that new pop culture museum."

A teacher announced for everyone to gather up and get inside the bus. The four of you sat in the back together, you and MJ sharing one seat while Peter and Ned were seated right in front of you.

"I'm scared of getting lost, honestly," Ned confessed a bit after the bus began moving.

Peter huffed his chest. "Don't worry, man! The internship," he winked at the three of you, "really let me get to know the city, so I'll know everywhere we go."

You and MJ rolled your eyes together. Peter had shared his secret about being Spider-Man with the two of you not too long after he got his license, only because his "spider senses were tingling" right before avoiding a crash.

"By 'everywhere' do you mean all the port-a-potty's?" you teased him.

Peter made a face. "That was one time! Ya use the bathroom once and that's when the paparazzi show up," he whispered to himself.

You were nervous for nearly the entire day due to the anticipation of confessing to Peter. It was hard figuring out when and where to do so; should you make a big deal out of it like one big crush proposal or just bring it up out of nowhere as if it were the most normal thing to say?

Decisions, decisions.

The four of you were inside the new Museum of Pop Culture, wandering around aimlessly with offhand remarks for everything in the exhibits.

"Guys," Ned said. He walked beside Michelle while you and Peter were behind. "The horror exhibit actually looks pretty scary."

You peeked through the glass doors, the exhibit on the other side. All you could see was red glowing from the ceiling, which did make Ned seem correct.

"Never fear," Peter whispered to the three of you. "Spider-Man is here."

Your group walked through the doors, instantly being met by speakers blasting screams and haunting music. The red lights from above were your only source of light, leading the way deeper into the exhibit.

"Oh," MJ said softly. "Y/N, don't look up."

Not many things scared you, but you knew that Michelle was well aware of what did.

Trusting her, you instinctively gripped onto Peter's upper arm and watched your feet move on the ground. You noticed he instantly tensed at the contact, his bicep tougher with your fingers barely able to wrap around it.

"It's alright, Y/N," Peter said, looking up to see what MJ was talking about. "It's not even that ba—ohmygod we're not walking that way."

He redirected you to the left after the exhibit opened up into a large room. You heard Ned and Michelle chuckle at Peter, who allowed the two of you to move in front of them.

"Dude," you heard Ned from behind. "It's just a bunch of hanging bodies wrapped like. . . mummies?"

Knowing you were well past whatever MJ told you not to look at, you raised your head and took in your surroundings.

"Oh," you said. "It's not that bad."

You looked to the right side of the room where Peter made a point not to cross and saw what Ned was talking about. You laughed, letting go of Peter's arm. "You call yourself Spider-Man? It's not even that scary."

All of you stopped and stood with one of the walls behind you, scoping out the exhibit.

"That's the one thing I don't like!" Peter complained.

Michelle walked over to the small area of fake bodies hanging from the ceiling, all of them covered with cloth and net. She poked it.

"It's fake, you dork," she said.

You and Ned followed her and saw the bodies made a maze, leading to an explanation on what movie that section was about. The three of you taunted Peter, walking into the maze.

The brunette puffed his chest. "Yeah, whatever."

He was last to go inside, the rest of you well ahead. There was a line of bodies between you and him, so you pushed the one closest to him.

Peter screeched.

"One thing!" he screamed. "That is the one single thing! I hate you guys!"

The rest of you broke out into laughter.

You were all seated in a McDonald's booth, leisurely eating your shared meals. You had assumed the same seating as you always did for lunch at Midtown.

You felt a kick from under the table. Looking up, Michelle gave you a pointed look.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," she announced.

She scooted out of the booth and stood up.

"Oh yeah, me too." Ned said.

The two of them walked towards the back of the fast food restaurant.

So this was it.

How the hell were you going to do it? You didn't even know if Peter had any feelings more than platonic for you. What if all he felt was platonic? You would make things awkward, ruin your friendship, waste all that time for the past four years being one of his best friends for something non-mutual.

You could hear your heart beating through your eardrums. Your hand shook a little every time you raised a fry to your mouth.

You were terrified. You weren't sure if confessing would even be worth it. In a few months, high school would be over. You'd have no good reason to see any of your friends everyday again, nonetheless Peter by himself.

Maybe you've just been overthinking everything. It wouldn't have been hard to believe that your feelings came only from convenience of going to the same school, having the same class, eating at the same table.

You cared for him, but maybe that was all there was. It could just be an unconditional love, like loving a brother.

You shook your head at yourself. That wasn't it; you definitely did not think of Peter as a brother. Even a little graze against him made your senses go wild. Every time you had eye contact with him, you'd force yourself not to look away despite thinking he'd always have been able to look straight into your soul and know what you felt.

You always knew what he would say if he saw you do something stupid, and you were always excited to hear what he'd think about something that happened to you when he wasn't there. You'd be able to recognize his laugh a mile away, and being the cause of his smile made you feel light.

You knew he'd tell you the truth on which shirt looked better with which jeans and not just say you looked good no matter what. He'd make sure to take stray lint out of your hair and point out if you had something in your teeth.

You've had short crushes on other people, and you even dated some of them for an amount of time. They never made you feel the same way Peter did.

You remembered the feelings you had when you found out he went to homecoming with Liz Allen sophomore year. When you learned of his crush on her, it was a dull ache. But when you even saw them at the dance together? It pierced.

But you were still able to get back to the groove of your feelings after that.

Yeah, you might've been in love with Peter Parker. What took you four years to realize that?

"Hey, Y/N?"

Your head jerked up and you looked at him beside you. God, what were you going to do? Could you bring yourself to say it?

Shut up,you thought to yourself. Eventually, it'll be too late. Say it now.

Peter continued talking after you stayed silent.

"I know this is really out of the blue," he said. He put down the burger in his hands and faced you completely. "But I just want to say thank you for everything. We're gonna be graduating pretty soon and. . . I don't know. I just really appreciate you—and MJ and Ned—for sticking around."

You nodded your head, urging him to continue, nervous to hear what he had to say next.

"Things were really weird after I got bit by the spider and I still feel like shit for ditching you guys for a while. . . But thanks for letting me come back. I couldn't have ever imagined getting better people in my life than you three. Even if we go across the country for college or something, I really hope we can all stay friends. I love you guys, you know."

Oh.

You smiled at him like he did to you. Friends.

You cleared your throat. "I love you too, Pete."

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