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s-brant · 3 years

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Cherry Bowl (3/8)

(gif: @kiekiecarrera) (PART TWO) (PART FOUR) (SERIES MASTERLIST)

Summary: When Kie cancels their plans together, Y/N asks JJ on a date to the Cherry Bowl Drive-In. Unsure of how to navigate his first ever date, JJ seeks out advice. Unfortunately, the night doesn’t go as planned, and both parties are left shaken by miscommunication.

Word Count: 10.6k

Warnings: Smut, public sex/exhibitionism, sexual choking, angst, depictions of mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and implied/referenced abuse.

A/N: Welcome back to Tokens! Slight trouble in paradise is brewing for these two lovers, so buckle up and read because it’s gonna be a rollercoster for a little while after what happens in this chapter. I hope you all like it, and if you did, feedback is very appreciated. Have fun!

"I'm just saying that oatmeal raisin is superior to chocolate chip, why is that such an egregious crime, Kie?"

The lunch room is filled to the brim with students going to town on questionably cooked frozen foods, soggy tater tots, and sugary drinks from the vending machines despite the Obama-era posters on the walls advocating for healthier school lunches that never seemed to make their way to Kildare County High. The extent of their healthy lunches extended to a serving of overcooked canned green beans served with the worst slice of doughy pizza known to human kind, so it was sort of contradictory.

Y/N sits across the table from Pope and JJ, the latter of which being the one who launched into a full-fledged debate with Kiara about which type of cookie was better.

The clear cling wrap sits, unfolded, on the table with one of her stickers neatly placed on the back of it. As consolation for his epic loss yesterday at the beach, she paid an extra .75 cents to get him it when she arrived first to their shared lunch period—one of only two class periods they have together, the other being gym. He was still in line when she peeled a surfboard sticker off of her sheet and placed it at the center of the wrapped up cookie as if to remind him of her triumph over him in the waves.

"Thanks, hot stuff," he said, voice somewhat quieter despite the fact that hardly anyone was in the cafeteria with them. Then his smile dropped into an deadpan expression as soon as he saw her choice of sticker and looked back up at her. "You're never gonna let me live that one down, are you?"

"Never in a million years. I'll be gloating about it until I'm elderly."

"That's my girl."

The sound of the constant chatter surrounding them from at least two hundred other people drowns out the memories of yesterday that threaten to haunt her when she watches him debate with Kie. The mere recollection of their night in the back of the van has her reaching to pull the collar of her cropped tee up to assure that the hickeys remain hidden on instinct, and he catches the action out of the corner of his eye. It has him fighting a smile.

Kie quips, "Maybe on another planet, but, here, I think we can all agree chocolate chip is better, right Y/N?"

Y/N's eyes widen around a forkful of mushy "green beans" at the sound of her name being said bringing her from the depths of her memories.

Usually, she's quick to jump in and give her two cents on whatever stupid back and forth they're all having, but her mind was elsewhere. Unbeknownst to Kie and Pope, she was mentally reliving every second of getting fucked in the van last night, so her attention to detail when it comes to the Chocolate Chip vs Oatmeal Raisin case isn't all too sharp.

"Uhhh," she stops for a second, looking at the half eaten chocolate chip cookie in Kie's hand, "If I say chocolate chip is better, can I get a piece of it?"

Kie's face lights up at her words, and she's already pulling off a generous chunk of the baked good to hand off to her. The sound of a certain someone whose lap Y/N's legs are outstretched onto from beneath the table scoffing distracts her from the first bite.

"I know you prefer oatmeal raisin, you traitor," JJ says.

Their brunette friend's brows scrunch.

"Why is she a traitor?"

They try to keep from making any faces or giving anything away, but Y/N has to stifle the sound of her choking on her mouthful of cookie at the question. You'd think one of them came out and asked if they were dating or something with how she reacts, and she feels JJ squeeze her ankle in a non-verbal way of telling her to hold it together. It was her idea in the first place, yet he's a lot smoother with keeping it under the radar.

Under it all, the aspect of keeping it a secret does unnerve him to a degree. He doesn't think he'd be brave enough to communicate it, especially not when their relationship remains undefined, but the darker side of his mind wonders...

He shrugs, saying, "Cause we were friends first. Duh. Other than John B, I've known her the longest."

None of them stop to acknowledge the identical aches in their hearts at the mentioning of his name. They skip right over it like it never happened. After the funeral a few days ago, they've filled their quota on mushy-gushy sad talk for the next week and a half.

The real reason is something far more complicated than him having a claim staked on her loyalty through having the longest friendship. It's something tied up in days of slowly getting pulled into one another's worlds like the tug of gravity itself, in how he has to refrain from slipping his arm around her waist in the hallway or kissing her goodbye after a sleepover at the Chateau. But until she gives him the go-ahead, he won't let it slip to anyone.

Pope speaks up from beside him, "You literally met her twenty minutes before we did."

"Still counts. Technically, I did meet her first, so her betraying Team Oatmeal Raisin is enough to be tried for treason in Pogue Court."

"Pogue Court isn't a thing."

He crosses his arms after he pops the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

"It is now. You can be tried for treason for breaking the rules. Rule number one is that all Pogues have to admit oatmeal raisin is superior."

He's about to ball up the cling wrap to throw away later when the surfboard sticker catches his attention again. It's the same color as his board, which he'd like to think is a result of her being an evil mastermind that went out to get this sticker sheet for the sole purpose of teasing him, but he's the one who got her the sheet as a gift for her birthday, so he knows it was pure coincidence.

Last second, he peels the sticker away from the cling wrap and looks down to place it over the top of her yellow converse that were once a vibrant, paler color when Big John got them for her, but have since turned into an ugly mustard/dirt-dusted color they heckle her over.

"What are the other rules?" Y/N asks.

One of the hands holding onto where her feet are casually planted in his lap, something that they've done long enough that their friends won't see it as anything odd, slides down to caress the stretch of skin beneath the frayed hem of her dark jeans. Something she didn't know about him before whatever it is they have together started was that he constantly needs to be touching her. She can't say she doesn't love it though.

Pope answers, "The oatmeal raisin rule is not official"—a pointed glance at JJ—"But I'd assume the rest of the rules of Pogue Court would be no lying and no macking."

"So, basically you two break almost every rule except the oatmeal raisin one, and I lie," JJ says and turns to look at her, "How does it feel to be better than everyone, Y/N?"

"Pretty good, not gonna lie."

He keeps caressing little circles and tracing up and down her skin beneath the flared out pant leg of her jeans while he swipes his phone off of the table top without attracting the attention of their friends, who continue on to a new topic. She isn't too focused on what it is. She only picks up that it has something to do with a class they're in that's more advanced that hers, so she promptly checks out of the conversation.

Ever since John B died, she hasn't been performing too well in school. She tries, truly tries, but her mind outright refuses to absorb any of the information. When she reads her assigned reading, she hovers over the same paragraphs over and over until she shuts the book in a huff and hides it in her backpack again. Losing someone you love has a surprising amount of side effects.

Her phone buzzing in her hand brings her away from the impending cloud of doom that often accompanies any thoughts of John B, and when she taps in her passcode, her brother's birthday, a message bubble appears with a banner displaying JJ's contact name.

JJ (Derogatory) ur a good liar. prob could've fooled me if i weren't the one macking on u

Their eyes meet for a second across the table, then he watches her thumbs move to type a response.

Kief Princess Little do they know I break every rule now that I've switched sides on the cookie debate. Kinda impressive ngl.

JJ (Derogatory) triple threat, baby

JJ (Derogatory) thanks for the cookie btw

She smiles to herself, so wrapped up in their own world that she doesn't notice everyone in the room starting to pack up their stuff in anticipation of the bell that is due to ring any second now.

Kief Princess Had to repay you for last night somehow ;)

When she glances up to see his reaction, she watches his chest rise with a particularly large inhale, and he chews on the inside of his lip in thought.

JJ (Derogatory) strategically bringing up last night so i'm turned on in physics? ur an evil mastermind

Kief Princess I try.

Kief Princess Apparently whooping your sorry ass at surfing isn't the only thing I'm good at.

She hears him scoff.

JJ (Derogatory) first of all, ouch. second, u barely beat me

Kief Princess I'm happy to challenge you to a rematch. I have plans with Kie tonight, so I can't till this weekend. All it'll prove is that I am the rightful winner, but we knew that already.

JJ (Derogatory) what r the stakes this time

Kief Princess No sexual favors. If you beat me (fat chance) I'll formally rejoin team oatmeal raisin.

JJ (Derogatory) :( sex makes it more fun but i still accept those conditions

JJ (Derogatory) team oatmeal raisin needs u, even if ur a traitor

Kief Princess Why bet sexual favors if you're just gonna fuck me after anyway?

JJ (Derogatory) good point

The sound of the bell ringing echoes through the cafeteria, and they both pop their heads up from their phone screens to see everyone, including Pope and Kie, already packed up and raising from their seats to scurry off in the direction of their next classes. Meanwhile, their stuff is all bestrewn across the table, particularly JJ's belongings.

The sight of Kie walking away makes Y/N ask after her, "We're still on for tonight, right?

She stops with Pope's hand interwoven in hers. The look on her face when she turns would make you think she got caught doing something she wasn't meant to. Something like forgetting about the plans they made last week to watch Fear Street together. The Cherry Bowl Drive-In is premiering the first two movies as a double feature for the horror movie buffs of Kildare, so they decided to get tickets. Kiara shares a fondness of horror movies with her. Since gory movies make the boys squirm, though JJ pretends they don't, it's their own thing.

"Actually, Pope and I were gonna go to the beach. I'm sorry."

JJ knows she's more upset about it than she lets on, but Y/N simply gives the pair a smile that doesn't reach the eyes.

The sound of JJ behind her makes them laugh on their way out, diffusing the minor tension lingering in the air from the awkward encounter, "Use protection!"

After their friends offer them a goodbye, they gather their stuff quite leisurely, not really caring about being late.

It's something they've talked about before here or there: her feelings surrounding Kiara and Pope's sudden relationship. It's not as if she harbors any ill feelings for them, she doesn't, but the ripple effects of their pairing on the group, and more importantly the girls' own friendship, couldn't be clearer from her perspective. Between the missed hangouts, forgotten plans, and the convenient way she never seems to have time to hang out with her and JJ unless Pope is there too, it's been building up for a month now.

What makes it sting the most is how close her and Kie used to be. They didn't hit it off immediately the way she and JJ did as children until her thirteenth birthday when no one she invited showed up to the party Big John helped her set up in the yard of the Chateau.

She was the one who rallied the boys together to walk to ask their school friends from the year above to come hang out for an hour or two, promising a slice of the wonky-looking but delicious strawberry cake her and John B spent the morning crafting together. She can remember the sound of their high-pitched laughs and the cloud of flour that hung in the kitchen when they high-fived over the finished product like it was yesterday. In her heart, it was yesterday.

That night was when she fell in love with her friends, and that was when she first knew Kiara was her best friend. They wove friendship bracelets on each other that night and wore them for years until they withered away. No one had ever done something like that for her before. Not even JJ.

"You okay?"

Feeling his hand on her arm, slipping down to take her hand for a moment in the seclusion of the empty cafeteria, makes her glance up at him with a distinct sorrow washed over her features.

You know what? Screw this. Why should she be torn up over Kie and let it ruin her excitement for the double feature tonight? There's no way in hell she's letting her best friend ditching her for her boyfriend get in the way of her plans.

"Do you wanna go on a date tonight?" she asks him abruptly, then adds, "To the Cherry Bowl with me instead of Kie?"

The question sparks a pause in his mind, a halt of hesitation in which he worries about her avoiding having to answer what he asked, but he attempts to play it cool and not fuss over her outwardly. There have been times where being treated like that has made her feel suffocated, so he doesn't want to risk it. When she's ready, she'll talk about it, and if she takes too long and buries her feelings, then he'll intervene. For now, he tries to keep his face neutral despite the frown tempting his lips at her disappointment.

JJ looks around once more before throwing his arm around her shoulder to walk her out.

"You bet your ass I do."

What is a person supposed to act like on their first date that's not actually a date cause everything between them is the same, but kinda is a date because they called it one? If you ever find out, please find JJ and tell him because he has no clue.

Pope wasn't too much help in the Instagram group chat he made for it seeing as his and Kie's relationship is too fresh, John B isn't even alive, so he's out of service for advice unless there's Ouija Board he can borrow, and, thankfully, Kiara was his savior.

Their phones began blowing up as soon as he reached his class after lunch period ended. He couldn't under any circumstances let it be known that this mystery girl he had a date with was their friend, but thankfully Y/N already had the alibi of going to the Drive-In alone. All he had to do was make up a fake date scenario and get basic advice.

danknugstickiestickies added kiara-c and popeheyward to the groupchat

danknugstickiestickies named the group HELP ME

danknugstickiestickies i have a date with this chick i met on the beach when i was out with y/n last week. i need ur advice

His phone screen lit up with the notification that both of his friends were typing, signified with the three dot symbol bouncing in the bottom left corner as he thought it through. They couldn't possibly figure it out, right? They'd been careful, he'd been respectful of her wishes, and they'd been too busy together to notice anything new with them. He figured it would work. It was a risk, sure, but it was worth it to him. He didn't want to fuck this up with her.

Knowing her, she probably wouldn’t even treat it differently than any of their other hang outs. It's not like they haven't been romantic or sexual with each other. They've done everything but go out on an actual date, so why was he nervous?

kiara-c ummmm

popeheyward Yeah, I'm gonna need you to ELABORATE!!

kiara-c did hell freeze over? since when does jj maybank go out on dates??

danknugstickiestickies renamed the group hell froze over

kiara-c very funny, I'm laughing so hard 😐

popeheyward Do we know her?

danknugstickiestickies don't think u do. she moved here last week and hasn't enrolled in school yet. her name's steph

popeheyward What about Y/N though?

kiara-c ^^

JJ's chest muscles tightened with the question prompting a rush of anxiety that made his breathing feel slightly harder. He glanced up at his Physics teacher, who was essentially dozing off behind his desk with his hand in a bag of chips and an educational video on the projector as an excuse to not teach, and looked back down at his phone without the added stress of possibly getting his phone confiscated.

Pope's message might as well have been a sucker punch. Forget butterflies, he set a wasp’s nest loose inside of his stomach to tie it into knots and flip it every which way. His neglected textbook served as a prop for his phone to lean on as he set it down to think.

Did they know? As far as he was aware, they were getting away with it. No evidence, concrete or circumstantial, was there to prove it. At least the stress of the situation killed any chance of him being turned on by her reminder of last night in their messages. This shit was boner repellant of the highest degree.

He played stupid. Better to let them volunteer whatever information they had before he went in saying anything incriminating that they didn't already know. If anything would sour the experience of their first date, it would be him accidentally making their strange in-between relationship public behind her back.

danknugstickiestickies ?? what do u mean

Three dots bounced in the bottom left corner of his slightly cracked phone screen.

popeheyward ...

kiara-c I mean, you don't see it?

danknugstickiestickies see what

popeheyward I guess we were wrong, but all of us always thought you two had some feelings going on.

"You don't say?" JJ murmured sarcastically to himself under his breath. "Never crossed my mind, Pope."

danknugstickiestickies bro that's jb's little sister

kiara-c so?

danknugstickiestickies forbidden fruit? making john b roll over in his grave? do those ring a bell or am i speaking in tongues

He was already a proficient liar in real life, but, fuck, it was easy in text messages. There's no chance at deciphering facial expression or tone, just a plain message with no room to budge. Thank God he didn't do this in person with them. He could've survived, but it wouldn't have been as quick and painless as the group chat was.

kiara-c jeez, sorry

Pope didn't voice it, but he noticed something.

He looked up from his phone and stared off at the wall in thought in his AP European History class. It piqued his interest that JJ simply said she was off limits, forbidden fruit as he put it, but did not outright deny having feelings for her. In fact, he didn't even address the question. He made excuses for why he shouldn't have feelings for her, but he never said he didn't have feelings for her.

Kie did not notice. Not because she wasn't smart enough to either, but because she was too busy hiding her phone behind her backpack to think too deeply about it. Her teacher was one of those teachers that would flip shit if they saw a cell phone turned off and faced down on the desk, let alone being used by a student during a lesson.

In his classroom across the hallway, JJ bounced his leg up and down beneath his desk in an absentminded urge to release the built up energy the anxiety produced in an over abundance.

popeheyward Our bad then. Even John B thought y'all were sus lmao.

Since when was that a known fact? Could he tell? Did he talk to Pope about him and Y/N before he died? Either way, it wasn't the time to pry about it.

kiara-c yeah you guys honestly could've fooled me if you wanted to

danknugstickiestickies well thank u, glad ur invested in our friendship but

danknugstickiestickies please help, i have no fucking clue how to act on a date and this girl is too cool for me to screw this up

That was when they finally dropped the interrogation session and started offering up tips. The best ones came from Kie, which made sense to him since women are more likely to know what other women like than two dudes who share one collective brain cell and never had real relationships.

Rule One: Be ready to pick her up five minutes early.

He wasn't ready to pick her up five minutes early. His bike broke down by the time he made it halfway down his street, so he had to push it back up the road and into the yard before setting off on foot to reach the Chateau quickly enough. And by quickly enough, it means he got there five minutes late, not early.

Rule Two: Compliment her after you get in the car.

She tossed him the keys to the Twinkie from across the hood, not giving him the chance to open the door for her, and it wasn't until they were setting off down the road that he remembered the next piece of advice he was given.

Side-eyeing her in his peripheral vision, he tried to find something to compliment her on specifically rather than the general compliments about her being pretty that she never fully believes when he says them. He was intending to say something about the skirt she had on, but when he chanced a glance over at her, she caught him and asked—

"What is it?"

Sent into panic mode, JJ blurted out instead, "I like your shoes."

He could've bashed his face against the steering wheel twenty times right then and there at the utter absence of reaction on her part for the next few uncomfortable seconds. It wasn't that it was a bad compliment. She appreciates any compliments at all...but her shoes were hidden from his view. Not to mention, they were the dirty, mustard yellow converse that the Pogues bash on a daily basis.

She laughed, lifting her leg to expose the sneaker on her right foot, and asked, "These? Dude, you roast me for these all the time. You and John B said they look like Big Bird shit on them."

The skin on the apples of his cheeks scorched hot with embarrassment, and he was never so glad that the overhead lights in the van were burnt out until that moment. He would've died on the spot if she saw him blush like that, face flushed pinker than sunburn. All he could do to save himself was murmur something about the color growing on him and keep driving in the direction of the theater with his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel he fantasized about banging his face into.

Rule Three: Insist on picking up the check.

In this case, it meant insist on buying the popcorn and drinks, and he miraculously managed to drop his wallet somewhere along the way when he ran over to the Chateau, so when he stepped up to the makeshift concession stand with her standing at his side, he felt around for his wallet in his jeans to no avail.

His thoughts echoed back to him, You gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Is this actually happening right now?

"JJ, it's honestly fine," she said softly as he leaned over to search back of the Twinkie for the wallet. "We can look for it on your street right now if you want. It has your ID and stuff, you don't want a stranger to have that. We don't need to stay—"

It took all of his control to not shout it in reaction when he said, "No way. You've been waiting for this, and Kie ditched you, so I ain't ditching you too. We're staying."

His wallet could go kick rocks.

He came too far to be dragged down by the old leathery piece of shit anyway. Would he go out and search for it tirelessly the second the date ended? Hell yeah, that fucker had twenty dollars and his debit card in it, but he couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her or ruining her anticipated movie night by taking her out to search the streets with their phone flashlights for a wallet they might not find. He'd wait till the movies ended, take her home, then haul ass around the Cut searching for it after.

Thankfully, he found a couple bucks crumbled up in his front pocket while she scavenged for coins in the glove compartment, and they came up with enough to buy a water bottle and small popcorn to share together.

Rule Four: Don't have sex on the first date.

And it may sound easy enough to not act like a complete Neanderthal for the length of two movies, but the girl makes it pretty damn difficult if he's to say so himself.

That's what led him here, laying in the back of the sideways-parked Twinkie in the farthest corner of the outdoor theater with her practically on top of him. In any other instance, he wouldn't be opposed in the slightest, but with the cursed fourth rule in mind, he isn't too thrilled with the feeling of her hand rubbing up and down his thigh.

It isn't even meant to be sexual. They're constantly touching one another this way. She'll even slip her hands up under his shirt just to feel the warmth of his skin or when he asks her if she can get an itch on a part of his back he can't reach, but for some reason his brain is short circuiting right now.

The thing is, when Kie and Pope said he shouldn't do it on the first date, they meant it for his and Steph's made up circumstances, not his and Y/N's full-blown relationship without labels. When you've had sex with someone as many times as they have with each other, the hesitancy on the "first date" is nonexistent. It doesn't matter. But JJ, trying to follow the advice given to him to the letter for the sake of being the date she deserves, doesn't think about it that way.

It shouldn't be this nerve-wracking. They've been best friends since they were children, they've been flirting since they found out what basic attraction was in the first place, and they've been forming this relationship ever since John B died. Why can't he relax? Why is this so different compared to how easy it felt between them yesterday on the beach or today at lunch?

Rule Five: Be yourself.

It takes him another few moments of laying here with her before he realizes quite abruptly what went wrong in a quick flash of a thought that brings the fifth rule back to him. The problem wasn't the bike, or the weird compliment about her Big Bird sneakers, or the lost wallet.

The problem is him. The problem is that he's trying way too hard to make this something it isn't. The part about them that he adores so dearly is how they never have to try when they're together. With any other girl or guy, they'd have to fake something or act a certain way, yet when they're together, they can simply exist and everything is runs smoothly. That's not to say they don't disagree or bump heads, they do, but short of those outlier moments, it's easier than anything else they do in life.

His eyes flicker away from the screen for the first time since the movie began, which, by the way, is gruesome enough at times that he had to divert his eyes to prevent himself from seeing it happen. They land on where she lays, completely content with the night in spite of its mishaps, with her head propped up on the pillows they brought from the Chateau.

He wonders if she can tell he's acting differently. Surely she must notice. She's the type of person that typically never misses a thing, perfect for the gold hunt they went on in the summer with picking up the clues and helping her brother unravel the mystery, so maybe she noticed how flustered this date has him. Does it bother her? Does he bother her?

With a confirming glance back up at the movie to see nothing important happening, he can't fight the urge to speak anymore.

"Can I tell you something?"

His voice appearing through the darkness of the shut off van after spending the past half hour in complete silence makes her jolt at first before realizing who it was. Though she loves horror movies, she can't claim to not be affected by them. The night she falls asleep after watching one, she often finds herself compelled to turn a light on and keep her feet from dangling off the edge of the bed. It's worth the fear, though.

When she turns to look at JJ, there's a warm smile on her face. She's cuddled into his side with a hand placed casually atop his thigh, caressing with no purpose or intent, and her movement halts when the light from the movie on the projector allows her to see the expression on his face.

Anxiety has become an increasingly significant presence in his life with the recent events in mind; John B and Sarah, the four-hundred million dollars they lost out on, and dodging his father whenever he sneaks home to switch out the backpack of clothes and personal belongings he keeps at the Routledge house.

It manifests itself in jittery nerves, stomach pains, shortness of breath, and, at worst, panic attacks striking either at random or in response to a specific trigger. It's one of the few things he still tries to hide from her, and she tries not to push him too hard with opening up about it.

She abandons the movie for the time being and rolls onto her side to face him, upper body propped up on her elbow as she examines his face with downturned features.

"Of course," she says.

The words left unsaid are, "You can tell me anything. Whenever you need someone to listen, or to talk to about shit, you can tell me." He's heard her say it enough that he doesn't need to hear it now to know it's true.

There's a pause, then—

"I feel like I fucked this entire date up," he starts to ramble and cuts her off before she can think about saying what she wants to, "and I know it's okay to you. You have way too high of a tolerance for my bullshit, and I've been trying so hard to make this perfect, but all that did was screw it up."

She's left quiet for a second, taking it all in.

Maybe if he hadn't been so anxious about it, he would've realized what was wrong with his bike when he rode it home from school, or he would've noticed his wallet fall out of his pocket. The point is, he wishes he hadn't let the label attached to this freak him out so much. He isn't sure why it does, but it does.

But she doesn't do what he expects. She isn't drowning him in reassurances and, "It's okay's" because she knows he doesn't care for them much. When he, the most stubborn person she knows, apologizes for something he did, he doesn't want it to turn into the person accepting the apology coddling him.

Y/N sighs.

"Is that why you've been acting so different all night? I scared you with the whole ‘date’ thing, didn't I? It doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be."

What she doesn't know is that he wants it to be a date. He wants it to be a date so badly, he risked Pope and Kie finding them out for the sake of getting some proper advice on it, and now he's caught up in the same game of tug and war in his mind that always occurs when he wants to tell her the truth about his feelings for her.

Part of him doesn't understand why he doesn't outright say it. With every other girl he once showed interest in, he had no issues in letting them know he wanted them, but this is different. This isn't simply wanting someone, he thinks he's fallen for her. But whenever he says he's gonna grow a pair and tell her after all this time, he chokes. Involuntarily, he's reminded of his parents. Other than his friends saying it platonically, the only people to tell him they loved him were them, and with how they treated him, he sure as hell doesn't think that is love.

From his dad's brutal physical abuse to his mom's abandonment, he's too timid to tell her he loves her because of what could happen if she loves him back. Everyone else that has said that to him has either hurt him, died like John B did, or abandoned him.

He won't let that happen with him and Y/N. What they have, albeit undefined and codependent, is safe. It's the only thing he has left. Maybe it isn't right, and maybe he should open up about it to communicate the correct way, but somewhere in the misshapen logic of his mind, he correlates love to abandonment. And he doesn't want that to happen with her.

There are two sides of him at battle inside his mind. One side, the side that wants to do right by their relationship and actually communicate his feelings for once in his life, wants him to tell her everything. The other side, the side that responds based on the history of his past, wants him to hide it all.

"Will you be mad at me if we don't call it a date?" he asks.

She shakes her head.

The heavy sensation inside of JJ's chest nears a point of vitriolic violence against him as he starts to realize what he's doing to her, clearly letting her down, but he can't stop himself. Like a passive witness watching himself from outside of his body, the instantaneous trauma response to the sudden confrontation of his true feelings for her guides his actions without his permission. It shuts down any protest he has.

The sound of the movie fills the gap of silence between them the entire time. It’s a variety of bloodcurdling screams and disgusting sounds that would've made him gag if he weren't as distracted.

They can make out each other's faces through the darkness, but barely. It takes a flash of bright color from the film or a nearby car's lights turning on for them to fully see one another. Without the other knowing, they both put masks of calm and collected coolness on their faces despite the feelings raging beneath the surface—more so on his part than hers.

"Maybe," he says, pausing, "we should just keep things the way they've been."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, a soul-crushing amount of disappointment weighs her down. She said it was fine if he doesn't want it to be a date—and it is, she would never hold it against him—but that doesn't mean it can't hurt her. Things have been going so well, she almost thought...If tonight went well, she was thinking about no longer keeping it a secret, but if he said he wants things to stay the same, then maybe he isn't as ready for it as she is?

Meanwhile, JJ is on another page entirely.

She's embarrassed of being with you, a familiar voice in the back of his head croons. She's gonna leave just like everyone else does. If she doesn't even wanna tell your friends, why should you pretend you're dating?

The internal comments are the type that cause him to physically grimace when he's alone. Intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive.

Sneaking into the guarded sanctuary of a person's mind, they set out to convince them the opposite of their reality. The only thing is, where most people's minds are guarded sanctuaries with walls of impregnable defense, his mind is the equivalent of a fortress blown to smithereens. The castle walls lay in rubble, the guards no where to be seen, and the path for these thoughts to slip past and straight to the vulnerability of his mind is left wide open.

In the privacy of his room, these thoughts attack him the most at night when he tries to fall asleep—when things get too quiet. With nobody around, when they get this bad there's nothing he can do except break down. It builds from the mere anxiety of attempting to force the thoughts away to full-blown panic attack mode. The more he resists them, the more aggressive they become. He'll gasp for air with tears streaming down his face, hitting his head with the heel of his hand as if that'd do something to stop his relentless mind.

But he can't afford to react in front of her, so the extent of his reaction is a subtle twitch of his face that she cannot see in the momentary darkness before the movie switches to another scene a second later. In a way, it does make the thoughts go away to have her here preventing him from spiraling alone. Having to focus on her keeps his mind away for moments at a time until the thoughts ease their grip on him.

When she hasn't answered for a while, he asks, terrified that he did something bad, "Are we good?"

The question seems to wake her up, snapping her out of the lonely direction her thoughts went into when he "rejected" her. It takes every bit of common sense she has left to force herself to understand that this doesn't mean he doesn't want her. He does, and not calling this a date doesn't mean they won't be together in the way they have been since John B's death, but she isn't perfect. She gets as unsure and insecure as he does.

As if the cloud of doom was lifted off of her, she makes her face lighten where she lays on her side next to him. Seeing this expression makes his chest feel less heavy, and he could let out a sigh of relief at the realization that he didn't break her heart and stomp on it. He should've known. Y/N is the sweetest person he knows, so she never would've flipped shit over him not wanting to label this as a date. That's not how she is.

And he's partly right. It isn't how she is. She would never hold it against him if he didn't want something further with her since she got herself into this position by pursuing him with his reputation with girls in mind, but she can't ignore it. Whether she wants it to or not, it had its affect on her as soon as he said it.

She leans in to kiss him, their lips meeting in the middle with the faint taste of popcorn salt mingling at the soft peck.

When she pulls away, she brushes the hair back from his face and says, "Don't worry. Nothing can change how I feel about you."

She has no clue what it feels like to hear that from her.

Despite the turmoil they unknowingly share beneath the surface due to this conversation, he could cry hearing her say it. It doesn't feel real to him that she feels the same way he does about her, because nothing could change how he feels about her either. That’s why he manages to work up the courage to repeat it back to her, and, for now, this is the closest he's physically capable of coming to telling her the truth.

"Ditto," he says.

It isn't what she wanted, but it's close enough, and if she dwells on this any longer, she might start getting too emotional and let the urge to tear up become too strong. Why does she have to be this sensitive? It's no secret that it's remarkably easy to make her cry, but this is insane to her. When all of this began with him, she didn't give a shit about him not wanting a label. She understood him, and she understood that he doesn't do this kind of thing, so why has it changed? Why doesn't she want to keep it a secret anymore? Why does she want this to be a date when she knows he doesn't want it to be?

Pulled by an invisible string back to him to silence her mind, she leans in to kiss him again with a hand cupping the back of his neck to guide him the rest of the way to her.

It shouldn't be laced with any sexual intention. She should be kissing him simply because she wants to, and, in a way, she is. Their kisses and touches are never lacking the motivation that is their underlying connection and mutual feelings for one another, but this is not the same. As he kisses her back with as much confidence and passion as always, she is reeling from the conversation that reminded her too much of a breakup.

It takes another minute of this for the kiss to heat up, their breathing becoming shallower in the moments they part to inhale, and she is undeniably the one instigating when she officially crosses the line between casual and sexual by crawling onto his lap. It's not hard for him to pick up on when their innocent moments take a turn. She's easy to read in that regard, and this has happened a multitude of times with them, so the shift of a mini make out session turning into something more is nothing out of the ordinary for them.

If he knew how shaken she is on the inside, he'd never want this. And the same would go for her if she knew what he was thinking before this. Neither of them wants to admit what they're feeling.

With her legs seated on either side of his hips, she kisses him like it's the last time she'll ever get the opportunity to. Her hands wander wherever they can, pulling at his shirt and feeling him up as his hands guide her hips to move against his in a steady grinding that she has no issue partaking in. It's an eagerness he hasn't seen from her in weeks. She's never un-excited when it comes to being physical with him either, but this is another level. The last time a girl was all over him like this, it was desperate touron at a party a few months ago.

In the span of time it takes her to glance over her shoulder to see if anyone could see them and reach to pull her skirt up until it bunches around her hips—no one can see them, by the way, since they got here late and were forced to cram the van into the back corner of the lot with no street lights illuminating the path—his brows raise at her presumptuous behavior. Not that he's one to complain, however, seeing as he's typically the one doing what she is.

Their next kiss clashes their teeth hard enough to make them wince, but he loves it. It makes him smirk into her parted mouth, alive with both the feeling her reassurance provided and the fuzzy-headed high that often finds him when they're together in this way. Incomparable to past flings or the high related to any drugs, she is the peak of everything to him. It's no contest.

His chest stutters against hers with a bout of amused laughter, asking within a brief pause in what feels like the most JJ thing he's said this awkward night, "Two for two in the Twinkie. What's gotten into you?"

Y/N's hand dips between where their bodies move together to unclasp the closed buckle of his belt in one smooth motion that has it falling apart with a clinking noise.

Her features are set with a look that tells him she means business. Whatever it is that sparked this, he wonders how the fuck to make it happen again another time. She's begged for it before, but never taken control so dominantly, and he can't deny what the role reversal does to him. The evidence is obvious in the distinct hardness she feels pressing up against the hand undoing his jeans.

"I was hoping it'd be you," she says, voice breathless and airy from the constant contact in a way that makes it ten times hotter for him.

If there were any chance of him not being in the mood prior to this, which wasn't the case anyway, it's gone now. He never wants to hear her say she doesn't deliberately try to tease him ever again.

He doesn't need to be told twice.

JJ surges forward to capture her mouth with his, this time with no intention of pulling away to breathe or speak again. No, he'll let himself get lightheaded and dizzy if it means he can stay with her for as long as possible.

With the circumstances of it all, them being visible to someone if they happened to pass by the open door of the van, they move at a pace quicker than usual. She's immediately helping him shimmy his jeans and underwear far enough down his hips to free his dick from the confines of his clothes, making him sigh out a breath of relief when her hand brushes against him in the process.

There's no opportunity to slow down, it has exploded into a full-throttle speed race that neither of them can halt.

His hand blindly flies out beside him to grope the floor of the van for the set of keys he tossed carelessly to the side once the movie started, eyes shut in the midst of the hot, messy kiss they share. His fingers find the fabric of one of the blankets they brought in case they got cold, then drifts again and lands on her Big Bird sneakers until he feels the sharp metal of her keys meet his calloused palm.

After the events of last summer, she bought a switch blade to keep on her key ring alongside the keys to the van, HMS Pogue, and Chateau. She may not like violence or weapons, seeing as she was a skeptic of JJ keeping the gun alongside her friends, but she saw it necessary. Between Rafe, Topper, and Kelce, how could she leave the safety of her and her friends up to chance knowing what some of the kooks did to them not long ago? What happened to Pope on the golf course alone was enough to make her skin crawl.

Right now, though, the knife flips out from the pressure of his thumb pushing the button to release it. He holds it out away from her at first to assure it doesn't nick her in the process, then uses his other hand to tug the side of her panties that hugs her hip far out enough to press the sharp side of the blade onto the inside of it.

She can hardly believe what she's watching as JJ cuts the delicate maroon underthings from her body as if he were doing something so normal, like it's something he's done before. Her forehead is pressed against his, her mouth parted both in shock and in a need to pant for oxygen, and she watches the knife ruin her favorite panties. The stitches come apart with a satisfying ripping noise that can hardly be heard over the sound of people reacting to the movie in the background.

Other customers of the Cherry Bowl Drive-In are too glued to the screen as a beloved character is chased down, reacting in shouts when she's seized by the killer and shoved onto the table of an industrial bread slicer, so they remain wholly unnoticed.

The lace, now ripped in half, dangles on the tip of the knife when he lifts it away from her, tosses it aside, and presses the button once more to retract the blade. It clatters to the floor, but is in no way forgotten with them resuming in a desperation to keep going until they both satisfy the need clawing at them from the inside. But her sense of need is different from his, and even with the fresh memory of him with the switch blade in mind, she's still somewhere else the whole time.

Her mind is faraway, muted through layers of sadness, anger, and disappointment as he reaches between them to line himself up to her entrance. The sensation of him running his cock, hard and messy with a few drops of precome, through her dripping pussy to coat it in her slick arousal is enough to make her moan pathetically. Yet when he's about to guide himself inside of her, she stops him.

"Wait, wait, wait," she breathes out rapidly, heart pounding so hard she can feel herself pulsating between her thighs, "Condom."

They were so antsy to get to it, they almost forgot.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath, and his eyes flicker from where they were trained between their bodies to glance back and forth around the van before it hits him. "I lost my wallet..."

But right when he thinks their public rendezvous in the back of the Drive-In is over due to his unfortunate mistake, she shakes her head and slips away from her perch astride his lap to crawl over to her bag.

She fumbles with the old tote bag and plunges her arm in to sift through the hodge podge of things that are purely Y/N in nature—stickers, glitter pens, a half-eaten bag of candy, etc—for the square foil package she decided to toss in before she left just in case. She usually doesn't keep them on her because he never fails to have one, but, thankfully, she had the random instinct to bring it tonight.

The only thing to bring her out of her cloudy, malevolent storm of feelings when she settles back onto his lap with the condom wrapper ripped open for him is him saying, "So you planned this, huh?" with his mouth tipped in a familiar self-satisfied grin.

She didn't plan it. In fact, she threw herself at him the second she sensed him withdrawing from her and can't stop herself despite the fact that she constantly feels two seconds away from letting a tear slip down her cheek. If that counts as "planning it", then sure.

"Maybe so," she answers, cool, calm, and collected—the antithesis of the truth.

They usually don't lie to each other.

They're thrown right back into it without any other hiccups once he rolls the condom on, and he takes in a shaky breath at her hand wrapping around him to align their bodies up. Before she can do anything, though, he takes chance to swipe the blanket he found a moment ago and wrap it around her back to keep her covered in case they get caught.

Y/N sinks down onto his cock with her lip caught between her teeth to stifle the sound that threatens to escape. JJ, on the other hand, doesn't bother concealing the sound of the groan he makes at the sensation of having her wrapped around him like this. The tension in her entire body from the anticipation and the looming threat of being seen by someone has her squeezing him so tightly, he can't help but be a little louder than he should.

Her soft palm slaps over his mouth with enough pressure to force his groan to quiet itself, and she watches his pretty blue eyes widen in reaction to the dominant action. Who is this girl and what has she done with his sweet, submissive Y/N? Don't get him wrong, he is very turned on by it, but it's unlike her to take the lead this way. He can't figure it out.

"What's wrong, angel?" she asks in a whisper into his ear, her hand over his mouth and her hips starting to slowly rock against him, "Watch the movie."

Once the words leave her mouth, she drops her hand, just in case he wants to stop and can't say anything because she had his mouth covered, and JJ is pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven.

He doesn't watch the movie, not at all, because he's too busy watching her. For someone losing their mind internally, she does not let it show, nor does she let it distract her from what's happening. If anything, the distraction in this situation is the sex, not what's going on inside of her head.

There's a moment of adjustment and going as slowly and gently as possible while waiting for the dull pressure of feeling him inside of her to fade away, but, for the most part, she doesn't waste any time. As soon as she feels comfortable enough with the ache between her thighs giving way to a spark of pleasure when she grinds her clit down on his pubic bone, she starts to ride him at a better pace than the initial slow movements of her hips.

She raises herself up and takes him again inch by inch, enjoying the sense of fullness she gets from having to fit him in spite of the slight discomfort at first, and she could swear that he'll leave bruises in the shape of his handprints with how tightly he clutches her hips. It's all he can do to prevent himself from moaning or saying something, ever the vocal lover she's come to know.

Unless his mouth is preoccupied like it was on the beach yesterday afternoon, JJ is usually impossible to shut up, especially in this context. With him always whispering dirty things to her, whether it be praises, pet names, or plans on what he wants to do to her, she has come to find it breathtakingly hot. He could likely get away with saying something if he wanted to, but he isn't sure he wants to risk it. If he opens his mouth to spew something filthy to her, he won't trust himself not to make a louder, different kind of noise that won't fit in the with background audio the other moviegoers are listening to.

The wet sound of their bodies colliding that fills the space of the van is drowned out by the loud and violent sequence occurring on the screen far ahead of them, and hearing it makes her bounce herself on him a little harder. She's fueled on by it all, and, strangely, what happened before she practically pounced on him is the main contributor.

Similarly to the nature of his intrusive thoughts, the harder she resists the memory of how it felt when he told her he didn't want this to be a date, the more forceful it is in its return. Her eyes trail down to watch where they connect with her forehead pressed to his, then she's thrown back into the feeling of helpless disappointment and insecurity. His head tips back against the window with his bottom lip dropped open and his brows furrowed just enough to create a crease on his forehead, and she's bombarded with the look of relief on his face when he realized he didn't have to be tied down to her with a label.

It makes her want to get rougher, harder, and she doesn't even care if it'll make her sore later on. She presses herself down so far every time she slides down on his cock, her teeth draw blood on her lip with how hard she must bite it to remain quiet. The pain of her hipbones rubbing against his doesn't even matter to either of them at this point. They're both too lost in the pleasure that has begun to take control of them to care about something as minuscule as that, or the burn in her thighs from the repetitive physical strain.

She grabs his wrist and brings his hand between them, flattening hers overtop of it and pressing down on the base of her abdomen in the midst of the increasingly feverish thrusts.

"Feel you here," she murmurs to him through a quiet moan, hoping he can hear it over the movie, and pushes down on his hand for emphasis. And if the way he reacts by cursing under his breath tells her anything, it's that he picked up on it. "JJ..."

He reaches out to grab her by the throat with his free hand and tug her forward to kiss him, as if something inside of him snapped in response to her doing that. The motions of her jolting up and down throws the already messy and uncoordinated kiss off-kilter, but they don't mind. It has them separating every time she lifts up, producing this heady little head rush from from them breathing in each other's air without actually letting their mouths meet in the middle.

Though they're trying their hardest not to alert anyone outside of what's happening, it didn't occur to him until now, when his eyes catch John B's old bandana swinging back and forth where it's secured around the rear view mirror.

They're worried about moaning while the entire fucking Twinkie is rocking with their movements. Well, at least it makes good use of the corny sticker he gifted John B last year as a gag gift. He tried to peel it off after JJ snuck it onto the side window to no avail. So, now Y/N is stuck with a sticker on her car reading, "If the van's a-rockin', come on in, we like orgies," rather than the more common phrase.

It almost makes him start laughing, and he prays no one takes that shit seriously, 'cause he is never intent on sharing this breathtaking girl. Ever.

Y/N isn't anywhere near laughing like he is, in fact, she's finding it difficult to keep herself together. She feels her eyes sting with the promise of tears, and she's never felt so pathetic before. Is she seriously about to cry during sex? Is she really that girl that is so ill-equipped to handle rejection, she can't get through it without tears?

She won't cry. Perhaps if he sees how glossy her eyes have become in a rare moment of good lighting, she can blame it on the hand around her throat putting pressure on the sides of her neck.

The worst part about her being near to crying is the timing of it.

The emotion of what she feels mentally mixes with the swirling, building sensation she feels in the pit of her stomach that tells her she's close to going over the edge, and it's so overwhelming. Was she imagining that their friendship had changed? More importantly, is this all she'll ever be to him? Sex is the only thing she's sure of with him, it's the only thing that doesn't require deeper emotions, and when the ground beneath their fragile relationship felt shaky...

He can feel her starting to unravel, and he knows that he'll come before she does if he doesn't do anything now, so he decides to take control.

JJ pulls the hand he had resting on her abdomen away as though he were burned by it, wrapping his arm around her waist to steady her body against his and using the hand around her neck for leverage to thrust up into her, effectively reducing her to a teary-eyed, moaning mess atop him. They both stopped caring about making noise the second he began to fuck her like this.

She cries out in ecstasy at the sudden change in pace and depth that has him hitting all the right places. Every time he thrusts up into her, just as rough as she wished for, the tip of his cock nudges into that perfect spot inside of her that makes her incapable of silencing her moans. This time, it's JJ that puts his hand over her mouth, letting the one he had around her neck move away to keep her from alerting everyone around them of what's happening.

There's nothing she can do to stop her climax as it barrels through her in its initial sweeping wave of bliss to contrast the venomous doubts in her mind. She's never felt such conflicting, yet powerful feelings before—the intensity of the physical pleasure that makes her whine into the palm of his hand, then the part of her mind replaying every word he said in their conversation before this.

Her body is rigid and tense through it all, squeezing down around his cock with the involuntary spasms of her orgasm, and he can't help himself anymore. All it takes are a few more frantic thrusts for him to bury himself inside of her one last time and spill into the condom, uncovering her mouth so he can drown out his own groans into a kiss.

Their skin sticks to their clothes on the inside with sweat from the exertion of their actions, and he can feel her stomach tremble where it presses up against his with each undulation of her hips that meet his as he rides it out.

But even with the added distraction of the sex, she can't rid herself of the feeling that started plaguing her as soon as things went awry. That was why he was acting weird all night. He must have been so worried about her thinking this was anything more than their typical hangouts that he couldn't bring himself to act normally.

She forces herself to look happy when they pull away from the kiss, panting, and JJ, unaware of what she's been thinking, doesn't notice the small deception.

Tag list: @gabiatthedisco

#jj maybank #jj maybank smut #jj maybank x reader #outer banks #obx #fanfiction #obx s2 #uh oh trouble in paradise #anyway that smut #kinda wanna get railed by JJ in the back of the van #don’t we all?

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bo0zey · 2 years

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ok this is like pt2 of that longass recent post so just ignore this bc this parts even STUPIDERR

anyways imma try to work on the rough draft after showering but i know i won’t have a enough time to finish it before clinical n ik she’s gonna call me out and wtf am i gonna say?????? i hate using my mental health as an excuse bc i feel like no one cares or believes me or thinks i’m just lazy and or crazy or being manipulative but like i swear i’m not i just happened to lose control over my frontal lobe at the wrong time of the school week i’m ??????? last time i turned in my annotated bib late too n she like ripped me a new one about it n i’m afraid of disappointing authority figures bc yknow my narcissist dad would only ever acknowledge my existence and express being proud of me when i got good grades like it was all i was worth to him; A’s meant affection and B’s meant “but u could’ve gotten and A so what happened??” n everything else meant NOT GOOD ENOUGH even in high school he hounded me “haha yeah ur #2 of ur class but what abt #1 huh why aren’t u #1?? i saw both ur gpas they’re so close omg they’re like a tenth of a decimal!” n i was like lol ok it was actually like .00 something, AKA a hundredth of a decimal, and still it wasn’t enough if i don’t do what i need to do in school if i don’t get good grades then i would have never meant anything to him i was his trophy daughter only worthy of facebook posts when he felt the need to brag abt me and now that’s all really have to base my self worth upon bc i felt like that’s all he valued in me n now i don’t do nearly as well in college as i did in high school bc i think it’s bc i was traumatized for like 12yrs of schooling with him looming over me and college i could like finally be a human??? lol ok ANYWAYSS sorry for trauma dumping lol so like yeah i already felt stupid n disappointed in myself n then she was making me feel even guiltier/more useless n like i think i’d been awake for >2 days that day n probs on my period so i was probably extra prone to crying n then she had the nerve to look me in the eyes and ask if i was okay bc she saw them watering up as she continued to progressively dig into me and i fuckjgn HATE that question i fuckjing hate being asked it bc i just ?? idk maybe it’s a trigger bc every time someone asks it(typically adult authority figures i know im disappointing but can’t stop self sabotaging) i just lose all control of self regulating my emotions n my eyes start Rlly watering then dripping and she was the absolute last person i’d ever want to cry in front of so i tried so hard to stop i nodded my head and smiled so hard and wide despite the mask covering half my face because i was trying to like get my body to control itself but my eyes just kept running and i wondered how i must’ve looked to her probably insane the way i was fighting a losing battle against a mental break down n i was smiling like a fucking clown to try and make my cheeks reach my eyes so it looked real so she could see it behind the mask and look past my watering eyes and the more tears that fell the harder i made myself smile and laugh all the while THE TEARS WOULD NOT STOP like i probably looked like a fuckjng raging mentally ill maniac to her esp when i pointed at my mask and was like “yes i’m fine i’m smiling underneath the mask i promise heheheh^.^” n giggled and then cried intermittently through the last 2 hours of clinical then silently on the car ride home bc i had to drive my roommate back w me n then as soon as i passed the door threshold i just broke down for literally NO FUCKJGN REASON??????????? like full on waterfall n my roommate turned n glanced at me n was like omg what happened what’s wrong??? MY NEXT 2 LEAST FAVKRJTE QUESTIKNS so obv i went from silent crying choking down sobs to total blubbering sobbing incontrollable inconsolable mess n it was so embarrassing bc i already burdened n traumatized her w my mental breakdown last august sooooo yeah that sucked lol n obviously what i was crying abt sounded so stupid i don’t even know why i would breakdown over something so stupid i’m so weak it’s honestly embarrassing lmfaooooomsbxbd🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

#god i am so fuckjgn annoying i cry abt the stupidest things i’m the worst kind of person i’m so selfish!!!!!!#i can’t stop self sabotaging bc in my core ik my worth as a human and my value of a life is so low at the nadir #i bring it all on myself tho i know that ok so i don’t need y’all being like ‘u did it to urself’ I LITERALLY KNOW THST OKKKKKKKK #im manic and have no filter just an influx of autopiloted thoughts #shut up cianna

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muwur · 4 years

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long distance headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for daichi, suga, hinata & tsukki

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.5k words

a/n: hello yall this is my first post! nobody asked, but i just started this haikyuu reader insert blog, feel free to check my page n see wazzap. also requests are open pls come fhorfjepfiwf;

daichi

✧ after high school, he stayed in miyagi while you went to tokyo, about 5 hours away, for college

✧ texting or calling whenever u can!

✧ you be like “heyyy”

✧ then he clap back with a “go focus on your lecture”

✧ “im not in lectureee”

✧ “you gave me your schedule so i know you’re in the middle of class”

✧ “...”

✧ makes sure you’re awake on time for your classes and calls you if he thinks you’re oversleeping (and hes usually right, this man just KNOWS)

✧ “morning y/n, i think you need to get to class soon”

✧ “mmrghhhghhh” *checks time* “holy sHI-- i forgot to set my alarm. IMMA BE LATE. THANKS DAICHI I LOVE YOU ILL TALK TO YOU LATER BYE”

✧ definitely skips out on some nights out with his friends to video chat you. you catch up, talk about future plans, reminisce, complain about not being able to hug one another, etc. occasionally one of you falls asleep on call, particularly after a long day or week. if he sleeps, you make sure you screenshot his sleeping face and start a picture collection

✧ you hit him up when you get drunk lMAO

✧ “daiichiii, i miss youuu, i needdd youuuu AND i needa peeee---” “hey daichi, this is y/n’s friend. y/n’s pretty out of it now but they’ll be okay! we’re heading back to our place right now” “im gonna pEE IN THIS CAR”

✧ daichi coordinates with your friends to make sure you arrive home safely, use the bathroom, and get tucked into bed. he thanks the universe you have good friends. if it weren’t for them he’d probs have a heart attacc. sends you cute, reassuring voice messages for you to wake up to the next morning with hangover tips he learned from suga

✧ always checks in with you throughout the day, every day. able to pick up on the slightest hints if you’re feeling unwell and calls you immediately to try to make you feel better

✧ makes plans to visit you! you get really excited to introduce him to your college friends (who, after meeting him, tell you not only is he a hottie but is such a kind guy, fosho a keeper. they also ask if he has any cute friends)

✧ either holding your hand or has an arm around you most of the time.

✧ you spend all day together outside and wandering the city, then spend the night back at your place (sorry roommate, but we’re gonna have to kick you out for a lil bit--)

sugawara

✧ you finally secured a job! unfortunately, the company required you to work for a year at their main facility, which was a 4 hour drive away from miyagi

✧ if suga wasn’t needed in miyagi for his teaching job, he would’ve tried to come with you

✧ after unloading your things in your new apartment and before parting ways, suga was like

✧ “everything’s unloaded everything from the car?”

✧ “yes maam”

✧ “do you have enough snacks?”

✧ “we just went to the grocery hun”

✧ “did you bring enough underwear?”

✧ “gDI yEs I dID”

✧ “:c promise to call me often”

✧ “<3333 of course”</p>

✧ good morning texts before y’all leave for work! you send each other cute pictures when you’re getting ready for the day (suga with bedhead, brushing his teeth? suga with his tie half done?? sign me up)

✧ always texts you when something reminds him of you, usually sends a picture along with it

✧ “the store was having a special on oranges today! this one reminds me of you”

✧ “why”

✧ “it just looks so cute~”

✧ will immediately call you if you send him any sort of message that worries him

-“hello? y/n what’s wrong, why is there blood?? speak to me, you haven’t replied in 5 minutes”

✧ “ohhh my bad, i’m just cleaning up don’t worry! i didn’t explain, but the picture i sent you isn’t blood, it’s ketchup i spilled on myself lolol”

✧ poor man nearly fainted from worry

✧ would pay you a surprise visit, making sure to plan it carefully so he knew you weren’t busy with work or plans. brings you gifts of your favorite snacks and a scarf that matches one of his own for the upcoming winter

✧ plans out that weekend for y’all, mans did his research beforehand. together, you toured the city and the surrounding nature, took lots of selfies (and many candids of you), and taste tested lots of foods before returning to your apartment and collapsing into your bed with exhaustion

✧ but y’all not too tired for cuddling n a lil something else >.>

hinata

✧ sure, being a couple hours away was hard for some... but y’all in different countries right now

✧ calls you immediately when there’s any inconvenience that occurs in his life, no matter how minor, thinking you’ll know how to fix it (or at least give him the reassurance he needs)

✧ “hey y/n...”

✧ “what’s wrong? you sound worried”

✧ “i broke my bike, what do i do”

✧ “you what? are you alright?? how? where are you? it’s midnight there, honey”

✧ “i was biking back to my apartment after staying late to practice! i didn’t wanna hit this turtle, so i swerved into a pole and now my bike’s wrecked :**”

✧ “ahh, are you okay?? you’re not hurt are you :(”

✧ “no, im okay... but im tired and i have two miles to go ;(((”

✧ “;( im sorry babe but you gotta walk home. we’ll get you a new bike. ill stay on the phone with you until you get back. tell me about your day <3″</p>

✧ talks about you all the time to his friends! introduces you through video chat to them! “look how pretty and cute y/n is!”

✧ together you work out your time differences and busy schedules so you can chat whenever possible

✧ he lets you know whenever he bought something for you, but never shows it to you because he’s excited to see your reaction in person when you reunite

✧ always asks you to send him pictures of yourself, he wants to see what you look like everyday he’s missing you in real life

✧ you surprise visit HIM. he’s so happy he could cry. shows you around every place he loves, shows you off to everyone he knows, holds your hand the entire time and never wants to let go, is practically glued to you not that you mind

✧ you spend your last night together lying in the grass, hand in hand, looking at the stars and sharing sweet kisses

tsukishima

✧ y’all went to separate universities. while he stayed relatively close to miyagi, you went across the country to okinawa, which was about a 3 hour flight away

✧ he sees all the couples around campus n becomes lowkey bitter, texts you immediately about gross pda like hand holding that he secretly wishes he could do with you “these people in relationships are too happy, i didn’t ask to see them gawk at each other all day” “u just miss me lmao”

✧ once overheard a convo on a shuttle at school that went like :

✧ person 1: “ugh, he’s so cute”

✧ person 2: “why dont you go out with him??”

✧ person 1: “i dunno, his dorm’s down the street, i can’t really do long distance”

✧ nANI (by the way, this is a irl conversation my friend overheard, oml)

✧ tsukki nearly choked on his morning coffee

✧ bothers texts you in class bc he’s bored and in need of your attention

✧ “hey tsukki this prof’s lectures are rlly dense, i needa focus, ill text u after”

✧ “but arent i more interesting than rocks”

✧ “trust me, id even rather watch some dino documentaries with you than be here”

✧ *read*

✧ likes to chat with you most nights as he lies in bed before going to sleep, staring up at the dark ceiling and listening to your voice through his headphones. usually just talking about how your days went (as if you weren’t texting all day) or just casual talk and banter

✧ you remind him to make sure he’s taking care of himself and eating well

✧ “who are you? my mother?”

✧ “no but you’re about to be single”

✧ surprise visits you, tells you it was yamaguchi’s idea when it was really his own and yamaguchi was just teasing him about it

✧ you show him around the city, sharing what you know about its rich history and culture. you visit most areas you both wanted to see before calling it a day

✧ your roommate conveniently spends that night over at their friend’s they just wanna give you alone time, which y’all very much needed. you make it a note to repay your roommate somehow.

✧ sweet lovin that he’s been missing, then some spooning as you sleep

a/n: just wanna tackle these about 4 characters at a time but if u wanna see this headcanon w/ other characters feel free to hmu w/ an ask <3<b> also sorry if i text type a lot and that im inconsistent with my apostrophes, let me know if that’s something you want me to fix!

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu reader insert #daichi x reader #sugawara x reader #hinata x reader #tsukishima x reader #daichi sawamura #sugawara koushi x reader #hinata shoyo x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #sugawara koushi #hinata shoyo #tsukishima kei

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goldenraeofsun · 3 years

Text

Remember Me, Honeybee

Part I

Two hours into the farmers market, and Dean’s had enough. Even the gorgeous day outside, sunlight streaming down from a cloudless sky, does nothing for him.

Next to him in their produce stall, Sam rearranges their vegetable display with all the intensity of Bobby Fischer facing off against the Soviets. He adjusts an eggplant a few inches to the left, eyes it critically, and moves it back where it was.

Yesterday, Dean got sunburned from too many hours in the sun harvesting. But before he could even think about a shower, a visitor pounded on their door because some neighbor ratted them out to local Fish and Wildlife. So on top of dealing with a peeling forehead and an aching back, Dean had to take care of Ms. Rosen nearly breaking and entering to get at Sam or his watercress - she wasn’t really clear on which was her priority.

Sam, the cowardly sasquatch, bolted the moment her car tires pulled up to their farm.

It took an hour to get Ms. Rosen to leave. First, Dean had to show her Sam’s pet watercress plants at the edge of their property. According to Ms. Rosen, they’re an invasive species, which Sam could’ve mentioned to Dean at some point. Then, Ms. Rosen explained the $150 fine - all the while heavily implying she could dock a few bucks if left alone in a room with Sam.

Dean forked over the money. Sam’s virtue got to live to see another day.

At least Becky gave Dean plenty of blackmail material. If Sam pisses him off one more time, guess who’s getting Sam’s phone number faxed straight to her field office?

Dean was looking forward to sharing the whole story with Cas when they pulled up to the farmer’s market that morning. But his favorite beekeeper, potter, and candlestick maker is notably absent again.

As Hannah steps away from her stall to replenish her display, Dean seizes his chance. “Be right back,” he calls to Sam as he darts out behind their table.

When she catches sight of him, Hannah turns her back to lift a crate of soaps that would’ve left Dean sore for days. Goddamn angel strength.

“I may be a dumb human,” Dean starts, “but even I know that angels don’t get sick.” His voice drips with disdain. “Where’s Cas? The real reason, this time. Not that BS you fed me last week.”

Hannah sighs, her normally refined tawny wings fluttering in barely-concealed agitation. “He’s… indisposed.”

Dean folds his arms over his chest. “Cas has been here, rain or shine, every market for two whole friggin’ years. Is he,” he forces out the words, dread trickling down his spine, “dying or something?”

“No.” Hannah shakes her head. “He’s not mortally ill. He’s just indisposed.”

Dean gawks at her. “What the hell does that mean?”

“You have customers,” Hannah says shortly.

Dean waves off a soccer mom armed with a bushel of kale and a hungry leer. “Sam’s handling the orders.” He points at the line in front of Sam, and the lady walks off in a huff.

“Is that right?” Hannah asks innocently once Dean’s attention darts back to her.

“Cut the crap,” Dean says sharply. “Why hasn’t Cas shown for the past two weeks? The real reason. None of that indisposed bullshit.”

Hannah sighs. “You’re keeping me from my own customers.”

Dean raises his eyebrows. “So you’d better talk fast.”

Hannah makes a face like she smelled Sam’s post-Chipotle farts. “Castiel was cursed.”

“What?”

“Keep it down,” Hannah hisses, leaning in. “He - well, it’s a long story. Our cousin, an archangel, cursed him.”

“For fuck’s sake, why?”

Hannah’s lips purse. “Gabriel has been very hard to contact for the details. He apparently thought Castiel was moping too loudly or too frequently. ”

“Moping?” Dean echoes, his brow furrowing. “Cas always seemed fine to me.”

Hannah shrugs. “Ask Gabriel. Now, if you don’t mind,” she lifts her nose into the air, wings straightening, “I have customers.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean retreats to his vegetable stand, his head swimming.

Dean never saw himself as a farmer until his health nut little brother decided to ditch his high-paying (and stressful) lawyer job to play Green Acres, and Dean, naturally, followed since there was no goddamn way Sam knew his way around a tractor. Sam was more likely to mow down his own gigantor foot than move a clod of dirt. Luckily, to Dean, an engine’s an engine.

At the farmers market, Sam’s booth was placed next to Cas’s. On their first day, Cas walked over with a complimentary jar of honey. He was stilted and awkward, sure, but he was also the first one to welcome them into the fold.

Lost in thoughts and worries about Cas, Dean almost gives a customer a twenty dollar bill instead of a one, blanks on when their summer squash will be in season, and accidentally rings up asparagus as broccoli.

“Look,” Sam says after apologizing for Dean’s latest mistake, “why don’t you head back and check on the tomatoes? It’s winding down here.”

Dean dubiously eyes the hubbub of people browsing vegetables.

Sam gives him a light shove towards their truck. “Just go. I know you don’t want to be here, anyway.”

Dean grimaces. “It’s that obvious?”

“To everyone and their grandmother,” Sam says under his breath.

Asparagus Man at the front of the line nods gravely.

“Thanks,” Dean says sourly to both of them.

“Go check on Cas,” Sam says as he gestures for the next customer to step up to the register. “Swing by and pick me up in a few hours.”

* * *

At the foot of the unpaved driveway up to Cas’s house, Dean cuts the engine. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel, debating with himself. Cas might not want visitors.

But Dean brought pie.

Homemade, of course. And if it was supposed to celebrate Sam’s birthday tomorrow, what Cas doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Sam likes cake better, anyway, because he’s a freak.

Dean grabs the pie, shoves open the door, and strides up the dirt road to Cas’s house before he can talk himself out of it for good.

This is what you do for sick friends, anyway. Charlie drove all the way up to the city with chicken noodle soup, Settlers of Catan, and prime gossip on Benny’s on-and-off-again thing with Andrea when Dean had the flu a few years ago.

Dean is just being a good friend. It’s not weird.

He knocks on Cas’s cobalt blue door, his heart beating double-time behind his ribs as the seconds wear on with no answer.

Dean dawdles on Cas’s welcome mat. He tries again. Cas’s house isn’t exactly small, with its pottery studio in the basement and wax room in the back. Cas might be in his nest, on the can, or in his garden by the hives. Hell, with this mysterious curse, Cas might not be home at all - but stuck in some angel hospital being poked and prodded by docs. He probably should have squeezed Hannah for more details.

The door opens as Dean contemplates, for the hundredth time, bailing with his tail between his legs.

“Hello?” Cas says, peering curiously at Dean.

“Cas,” Dean says, relieved. From one cursory look, Cas seems normal. His hair’s fucked up, of course. His dark wings are equally unkempt, feathers sticking out every which way. All typical Cas.

Cas blinks. His mouth opens, closes, and opens again. But no sound comes out.

“You’re up,” Dean says stupidly. Of course Cas is up, or he wouldn’t have been able to answer the damn door. Dean shifts his weight to his other foot. “Hannah mentioned you’d, uh, been cursed,” he says awkwardly.

Cas relaxes a fraction. “Ah, yes, I was.”

Dean gives Cas another once-over. “I just found out this morning, so I thought I’d stop by. Bring pie." He holds up the pie as evidence. "See how you are. But you look good.”

Cas squints at him, his head tilting. “Thank you?” he asks like he had a half-dozen responses in his head and chose that one at random.

“No prob.”

Cas’s gaze darts down to the pie in Dean’s hands for the first time. “Would you like to come in?”

Dean grins. “Yeah,” he says, stepping inside. “I’ll take this to the kitchen. I’m starving. Do you wanna eat it now?”

Cas gestures him forward. “This way.”

Dean throws him a funny look but follows him to the kitchen he’s been in about a hundred times before - for Cas’s annual Spring Equinox party, for a handful of dinners with other farmers in the area, for water breaks in between weeding Cas’s bee-friendly garden.

Afternoon sunlight from the beautiful day outside streams through the large windows that overlook the back porch and garden. It illuminates the kitchen table, absolutely covered with what looks like all of Cas’s beekeeping books.

Dean clears enough space for pie and strides over to the drawer for the baking utensils, saying over his shoulder, “I hope you’re hungry.”

When Cas doesn’t answer, Dean hastily turns back around - only to find himself practically nose-to-nose with Cas.

Dean takes an instinctive step backwards, his ass smacking the drawer closed again. “Dude,” he says in a strangled voice. His heart pounds in his chest at the close proximity and intense look in Cas’s eye. “We talked about this. Personal space.”

Cas retreats, his brow furrowing. “My apologies,” he mumbles. “I must have misread the situation.”

“I - yeah - I guess,” Dean stutters as he grabs plates and stacks two forks on top.

Cas falls heavily into a seat at the kitchen table. Silently, he moves enough books around for them to sit and eat.

Dean eyes the haphazard piles as he takes his own seat. “D’you have a problem with one of the hives or something?”

Cas shakes his head. “I don’t think so,” he says, his brow furrowing. “But it’s hard to tell.”

Dean snorts as he cuts them both slices. “I thought you knew everything about bees.”

Cas shoots him a dour look. “I did,” he says pointedly.

“Did?”

Cas fusses with a pamphlet on colony collapse. “I’m trying to catch up, but there is a lot of information to learn.”

Dean frowns. “Catch up to what?”

“To where I was,” Cas says, head tilting.

Dean sets the pie server down to focus on Cas, since he’s not making any goddamn sense. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Cas looks at him like Dean’s the one who lost his mind. “I don’t remember how to take care of them.” After a beat, he clarifies, “The bees. I’ve spent the better part of two weeks relearning how to maintain the hives, harvest honey, check if there is enough honey to harvest...” he drifts off, looking more than a little lost.

Dean blinks. “That’s the curse?” He grimaces as he forks off a generous corner of pie. “Dick move on Gabriel’s part. That’s your goddamn livelihood.”

Cas tilts his head, eyes narrowing. “He didn’t just make me forget the bees.”

Dean chews at Cas thoughtfully. “What else? Please tell me you forgot that time with the goat and a hooker.”

Cas stares at him. “I don’t remember anything.”

Dean’s next bite of pie freezes halfway to his mouth. “What do you mean anything?” he demands.

“I didn’t think it needed explaining,” Cas says waspishly, as all the pieces finally fall into place for Dean. “I thought Hannah told you about it.” His feathers rustle against the back of his chair.

“Hannah only said you were cursed!” Dean flails, “Not that you have goddamned amnesia. Do you know what pie is? Do you know who I am?”

Cas blinks, a little taken aback by Dean’s reaction. “I retain my general knowledge. I know what pie is,” he says. “I don’t remember eating it, but I know it is meat or fruit wrapped in pastry.”

“Oh my god.”

Cas’s gaze falls to the uneaten pie in front of him. “And, no, I don’t know who you are.”

Dean blinks, all the blood draining from his face. He forces out, “You’re serious.”

“I’d hardly joke with a stranger,” Cas says frankly.

Dean lets his fork drop back to the plate with a clatter.

Cas peers at him curiously. “The curse erased all my personal memories, but I was assuming we were friends, is this right? You know your way around my house, and Hannah wouldn’t have divulged my condition to just anyone.”

“Yeah,” Dean says gruffly, “we’re friends. I - my brother and me, we have a stand next to yours at the farmer’s market.”

“Oh,” Cas says. “Work colleagues, then.”

Dean snorts. “A little more than that.”

Cas bites his lip. “But you told me to respect your personal space. If we were -”

“Woah!” Dean cuts in before Memento can come up with any more bright ideas, “We’re close friends, alright?” he says before Cas can get another word out, “But not… like that.”

Dean doesn’t even know if Cas goes for humans. Most angels don’t. Cas never mentioned any romantic partners, and Dean never pressed. Better to keep that box locked up tight. Cas never shied away from giving his opinion to Dean or anyone else. He’s the most blunt, sincere person Dean knows - angel or human.

If he felt anything for Dean - the barest speck of more-than-friendly feelings, he’d have said something.

“Oh,” Cas says, and, behind him, his wings droop the smallest fraction.

Dean scans the table and pushes Cas’s worn copy of The How-To-Do-It Book of Bee-Keeping by Richard Taylor his way. “Test me.”

“What?”

Dean shovels more pie into his mouth. “As’ me anyfin’,” he mumbles.

Bemused, Cas opens the book to a random page. “How do you use a bee escape?” he reads aloud.

“Do you know what they are?” At Cas’s headshake, Dean holds his fingers about three inches apart, “They’re little plastic doodads with little bee-sized holes in the middle. You slide ‘em in the hive right before you’re about to harvest. Once they’re fitted, you smoke out the bees, one comb at a time. Once they’re out of the way, you can scrape off the honey.”

Cas’s eyes narrow. “Do you also keep bees?”

Dean can’t help his loud laugh. “God no,” he says as he closes his mouth around another bite of pie. “I’m just a farmer. But I’ve helped you out a few times.”

At least twice a month since Dean moved to this corner of semi-rural America, but who’s counting. Honey is only harvested once a year, but Cas can always use an extra set of hands in his garden. Or around the house. Dean’s worked off more than one argument with Sam by kneading clay in Cas’s pottery studio basement.

“So you know all this from me,” Cas says dubiously.

“Sure do,” Dean says, smacking his lips as he debates another slice of Cas’s get-well-soon pie. “You’re a good teacher, and once you get on a roll about the bees, it’s kinda hard to shut you up.”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t be,” Dean says as he cuts himself another (smallish) slice. “I look hot in a beekeeper suit, anyway.”

Cas frowns, confused. “Do most humans find baggy coveralls and heavy veils sexually appealing?”

Dean snorts. “That was a joke.”

Dean doesn’t mention that he finds the beekeeper getup hot as hell as long as it’s Cas wearing it.

It’s just - Cas doesn’t usually bother with the veil since he likes to have a full range of vision when caring for his bees. Dean once let a whole comb drop on his foot at the sight of Cas bent over, wholly concentrated on the hive, a barely-there smile hidden in the corners of his mouth. His blue eyes were luminous in the bright sunlight, and every few seconds he would lick his lips, probably to wipe away the beads of sweat gathering on his upper lip.

“Oh,” Cas says, a faint blush touching his cheeks. His gaze drops to his plate, and his wings sag behind him.

Dean mentally kicks himself. Cas might still have all a whole encyclopedia shoved in his brain, but jokes will fly right over his head like so many of Cas’s precious bees. Since Dean started hanging around, he had been getting better with the jokes and references, but Total Recall Cas got that goddamn factory reset, so Dean has to cool it for now.

“Forget it,” he tells Cas. “I’m an asshole.”

Cas squints across the table at him. “You are not.”

“Huh?”

Cas carefully spears off a bit of pie. “You came by to check on me, offer me food,” he slips his fork into his mouth, eyes closing as he savors the tart cherries and buttery pastry, “stay and talk.”

“I, mean, yeah,” Dean says, wrongfooted, “we’re friends. ‘S the least I could do.”

Cas has another bite. “This is really good.”

“Thanks,” Dean says before he crams the rest of his slice into his mouth. He studies Cas as they both eat, an uncomfortable foreboding settling deep in his stomach. Now he sees it, how Cas doesn’t look at him with any familiarity. It’s more like, to Cas, Dean is some fucked up jigsaw puzzle slash zoo animal. Eventually, Dean has to ask, “Are you going to get your memories back?”

Cas shakes his head, his expression hardening. “I’m not sure.”

Dean’s mouth falls open. “Are you serious?” He braces both elbows on the table. “But you were cursed - there’s gotta be a way to break it. That’s how curses work, right?”

Cas exhales a slow sigh. “Gabriel did say there was a way to break it.”

“And you haven’t yet?” Dean demands, almost offended on Cas’s - his Cas’s - behalf. “You’re okay forgetting your whole life?”

Cas’s eyes narrow. “Are you insane?” he hisses, his feathers puffing up like an angry cat. “Of course I am not ‘okay,’” he says, air quotes and all, which Dean hasn’t seen since he told Cas they were lame. (He felt bad about it for a week afterward and gave Cas a free apology pumpkin. First of the season.)

“I am able to navigate the outside world as well as a human toddler,” Cas continues heatedly. “What do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past two weeks?”

Dean huffs an impatient breath. “What have you tried so far?”

Cas grimaces. “Gabriel said it could be broken like all curses could be broken.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I have no clue,” Cas says frankly. “I spent a week in Heaven’s archives and libraries. The most common way to break curses is by consuming a stone taken from the stomach of a goat -”

Dean makes a gagging noise.

“-or bathing in the blood of a virgin at the new moon.”

“Not any less gross,” Dean says emphatically. “Where the hell are you going to get virgin blood? Are they talking about, like, a whole virgin? Or does born again count?”

Cas shakes his head. “The new moon was four days ago.”

Dean frowns. “Did you have to do the blood thing?”

From the look on Cas’s face, Dean isn’t going to make him watch Carrie anytime soon.

“So I went to more obscure magic,” Cas continues. “I tried bathing in a natural source of water. And then I ran a bath and filled it with salt, since salt repels evil.”

“All I’m hearing is lots of bathing so far.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “I lit sage in every room and burned three types of wood. I wore an evil eye bracelet. I sprinkled consecrated water blended with honey over the threshold.”

“No dice?”

Cas throws him a baleful look. “I have ants now.”

Dean snorts. “Well that sucks,” he says, since what else can you say when your best friend swaps all his memories for a Bug's Life?

Cas sighs. “From my notes and research, I can’t leave the hives completely unattended, so I’ve spent the past few days trying to figure out how not to kill them,” he says, gesturing to the rest of the kitchen table. “Once I’ve determined if the bees will survive on their own, I can look back into the curse.”

Dean purses his lips. “Have you prayed to Gabriel? Tried to convince him to take it back?”

“Every day since it happened,” Cas says, his face somber.

“Alright,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’s empty plate, “I can’t help with the curse stuff since I save the teen witch adventures for Sabrina. I can help with the bees, though, if you want.” He gets to his feet and dumps the plates in the sink.

Once his back is turned, he frowns as he thinks his words over. Who knows if this Cas actually wants him around? This Cas doesn’t know him from Adam.

To the dishes Dean says, “The next beekeeper is a few towns over. I could give him a call for you, if you’d rather have him. Cain’s mostly retired, so he’d probably have the time to show you the ropes.”

“Is Cain an angel?”

Dean laughs over the splashing water. “No, he’s a crotchety old bastard who would rather live with bees than people. You get along.” He sets the rinsed plates out to dry and faces Cas. “I’m sure you have his number in your phone too, come to think of it.”

Cas meets Dean’s cautious gaze with his usual soul-searing stare. “I wouldn’t mind if you helped me. Maybe I could call Cain if there are any advanced problems we can’t figure out together.”

Dean smiles. “Sounds like a plan.” He jerks his head towards the backyard. “You wanna get suited up?”

“Now?” Cas asks, alarmed.

“No time like the present,” Dean says as he walks out of the kitchen without waiting for Cas to follow. “Come on, we’re wasting daylight.”

* * *

Cas stares at his beekeeper suit, hanging in its usual place on his screened back porch, next to his gardening gloves.

“You okay?” Dean asks. “You’ve got a spare in your shed, so I’ll grab it on the way.”

Cas picks up the suit like it’s about to bite him.

“’S a good thing I’m here,” Dean says as Cas slowly unzips the front. “It’s always a bitch to get your wings covered.”

Cas’s wings slump. “I have a feeling this is going to be more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Hey,” Dean says, taking a step forward, “no, it’s your bees. You love them.”

Cas frowns. “But I don’t remember how.”

Dean grins. “Then you’re a lucky son of a bitch who gets to fall in love with something all over again.” He sighs wistfully. “What I wouldn’t give to erase Star Wars from my brain and watch it again for the first time.”

“What is Star Wars?”

“A trilogy of movies from the 70s and 80s,” Dean says, his smile widening.

Cas nods. “I’ll have to rewatch them, then.”

“Damn right,” Dean says. “I gave you the DVDs for my birthday last year, so they should be around here somewhere.”

“For your birthday?” Cas asks, eyebrows rising. “Isn’t gift-giving normally the other way around?”

Dean shrugs. “But I’d been bugging you to watch ‘em with me for years. Trust me, it was an awesome birthday.”

Cas opens his mouth like he’s not sure where to poke holes in Dean’s story first, so Dean reaches for the wing covers. “I think we should do the hard part first.”

“You’re currently the expert,” Cas says as he sets the suit aside.

Dean frowns as he takes in Cas’s black wings, reflecting muted tones of magenta, purple, cobalt, and green. Normally, Cas rocks the sex wing look - a few feathers askew here and there like someone raked their fingers through them - but now his wings look more like Cas stuck his alulas in an electrical socket.

Without thinking, Dean says, “It’s gonna be hard to get them in the wing covers. They’re a little messed up, dude.” As Cas’s face falls, Dean adds quickly, “Nothing a little grooming can’t fix.”

Cas flushes. “I haven’t been able to reach my whole wingspan on my own. Hannah offered-” he breaks off, his gaze skittering around to settle just over Dean’s left shoulder. “But I don’t know her, not really, so I was uncomfortable accepting.”

Dean takes a step back. “I mean, you don’t need to do it. I’ll have to touch a couple feathers to get these on you, if you’re okay with that.”

Cas swallows. “No, you’re right. My wings are a mess.”

Dean’s fingers practically tingle with the urge to reach out and smooth down the closest feathers, but he shoves his free hand deep into his pocket instead.

“Can you help me?” Cas asks.

Dean quietly dies inside.

Cas’s wings flutter in anticipation, and Dean is so, so weak.

“Yeah,” Dean says gruffly as he drops the wing cover and approaches Cas’s back. “You sure, man? I - I’ve never done this before.”

Cas turns his head. “Never?”

Dean clenches his hands into fists. Don’t touch. Not until he says so. Dean can keep his goddamn hands to himself. Cas deserves that much.

“Do you want me to walk you through it?” Cas asks softly. “I know how, since it’s only personal memories about my life that seem to have been affected.”

“Ah,” Dean hesitates, a hundred and one wing kink porn videos flashing through his head like popup ads. “No,” he coughs, “I know the mechanics.”

Cas’s eyes narrow. “Are you sure?”

Dean fidgets in place. “‘S like picking beans, right? Don’t pull on them too hard. They’ll come off if they want to come off. Make sure nothing is sticking out at weird angles.”

Cas makes a face. “Did you just compare my wings to legumes?”

“Maybe?” Dean says defensively. “Look, I know vegetables, and I know what your wings are supposed to look like. What else do you want from me?”

Cas’s mouth opens, but no words come out. With a sigh, he faces forward, presenting his wings for Dean.

Dean inhales a deep breath. Christ, his hands are goddamn shaking. Get a fucking grip, Winchester. He lightly touches the base of Cas’s left wing.

Cas shivers, the feathers rippling.

Dean yanks his hand back.

“Sorry,” Cas says sheepishly. “You took me by surprise. Please continue.”

Gently, Dean grazes the base of the wing again. The feathers rustle like under a moderate breeze, but Cas doesn’t tell him to stop, so Dean keeps going. He feels along the surface of Cas’s wings, most of the feathers slipping, glossy smooth, under his fingertips - until he catches the first snag. Nerves rocketing up to eleven, Dean tugs lightly on the first feather out of place.

Cas sucks in a breath.

It comes loose, and Dean has a fleeting, stupid thought to steal it for himself. But he lets it flutter to the floor.

Dean soldiers on, biting his lip as he tries to keep himself from grabbing handfuls of feathers and burying his face in Cas’s wings. Meticulously, painstakingly, he combs through the mess. As he moves closer to the second joint, Cas’s feathers, which had been subtly shifting the whole time, stiffen.

“You okay?” Dean asks.

Cas nods, stilted. “Please continue,” he says, his voice rough.

Dean frowns. If Cas is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to tell him, Dean’s not going to be the asshole who turns a blind eye to the signs. He withdraws his hands, and Cas’s wings -

They flare out, seeking Dean’s touch.

Without thinking, Dean blurts an astounded, “Dude.”

“Apologies,” Cas says, and, from this angle, Dean has primetime viewing of the back of Cas’ traffic light-red neck. His wings retreat to fold stiff as a board behind Cas’s back.

“Hey, no,” Dean says as he lays a hand along Cas’s wing, petting it gently. “I just wanted to check in with you.” He grins lopsidedly, not that Cas can see him. “Communication is important.”

Cas coughs. “Indeed,” he says, and his voice still sounds off. “Please continue. I,” he breaks off, turning a little in place so Dean can see half of his face, “I was enjoying it.”

“Good,” Dean says with a little too much enthusiasm. “I - uh, me too.”

Cas blinks. “You were?” He frowns. “Grooming is… boring. A chore.”

“Not for humans,” Dean says as he picks up where he left off. “We don’t have big fancy wings to lug around everywhere. They’re-”

“What?” Cas waits, clearly expecting an answer.

Dean sighs. “Cool,” he supplies lamely. “Your wings are cool.”

Dean can’t see Cas’s face with his back turned, but his wings fluff up ever so slightly, so Dean counts it as a win. “I’m glad you think so,” Cas says quietly.

“’Course,” Dean says, easy as pie. He pulls on another feather, and, when it doesn’t come out, tucks it back into its proper place, “I’ve never seen an angel with wings like yours. Malachi’s got dark grey ones, and I thought they were your shade of black, but they’re not. Plus, he’s an asshole.”

Cas chuckles. “I don’t see how him being an asshole has anything to do with his wing color.”

“No, but, if you ever run into him - an angel with dark grey wings - now you know.”

“So you’re only looking out for me.”

“You don’t know this yet,” Dean tells him conspiratorially, “but I’m awesome.”

“Yes, I’m beginning to see that for myself.”

Thank God Cas can’t see Dean’s face. Equally embarrassed and pleased, Dean rambles, “You should also watch out for Metatron - the white-winged dude who runs the thrift shop down the road. He’s been angling to set up shop at the farmers market for fucking ever even though he has a storefront for all his crap. Whoever said white wings meant purity was full of shit because Metatron’s a douche.”

Cas laughs, and Dean nearly slumps over in relief.

He can still make Cas laugh.

“Hannah, she’s okay,” Dean continues as he combs through the rest of Cas’s secondaries and coverts before he gets to the primaries, large and built for flight, and completely within Cas’s reach to groom himself. “But her partner, Duma, hates you for some reason, so I’d steer clear of her.”

Cas’s wings dip a few inches. “It doesn’t sound like I’m on good terms with many angels.”

Dean lightly runs his palm over Cas’s flight feathers - while he’s back here, he might as well. “I guess not,” he admits because Cas is right, “but they’ve all got massive sticks up their asses, so you’re better off.”

“They’re family.”

“They’re dicks,” Dean corrects. “Come on, you’re goddamn cursed with amnesia , and not one is here helping you out? Dick move for dick angels,” he finishes.

“Hannah visited.”

“Like I said, Hannah’s okay,” Dean says as he straightens up.

“At least you’re here,” Cas points out.

“Yeah,” Dean says bitterly as he brushes out bits of fluffy down near the base of Cas other wing, “After two weeks.”

“You said you didn’t know.”

“I should’ve.”

“How?” Cas asks, sounding baffled.

Dean scoffs as he cards his fingers through the shorter feathers near the bone of Cas’s wing, “You didn’t show at the farmers market. You always show.”

“But-”

Dean shakes his head. “I should’ve known something was up.” He yanks a little too hard on a feather, and the brittle shaft breaks between his thumb and pointer finger. Dean lets it fall to the floor in disgust. “But Hannah said you were sick, and I didn’t know if you were the type who wanted company or everyone to stay the hell away. And then I talked to Sammy, and he said angels don’t really get sick like we do.” He exhales a slow breath, consciously holding himself back from tearing any more feathers out. Cas doesn’t deserve that, especially after all the shit he’s dealing with.

“We do get sick,” Cas says, his voice breaking through Dean’s morose reminiscing of the past week, “But never with the type of illnesses that can be treated outside of Heaven.”

“That’s what Sammy told me,” Dean says heavily.

“You were worried?”

Dean pokes him in the muscular part of the wing. “Of course I was worried.”

Cas’s head tilts, but not enough that Dean can make out his expression. “Because we’re friends.”

Dean swallows. “Yeah,” he says quietly, “because we’re friends.” He tugs on a few more feathers, and one comes loose. He holds it between his fingers for a beat, rubbing his thumb along the vane. With a sigh, he moves onto Cas’s other flight feathers. He gives them a few long strokes, unable to help his smile as he feels at the power, the potential, all hidden in Cas’s wings. But, eventually, he has to straighten up.

“All done,” he says with forced cheer as Cas turns around to face him.

Cas blinks a few times like he’s coming out of a trance. “Thank you,” he says gruffly.

He spreads his wings.

Dean’s breath catches in his chest, and his awe must show all over face, judging by Cas’s barely-there smirk. But, dammit, Dean’s going to enjoy the sight. Cas never puts himself on display like this, preferring to play the nerdy beekeeper in a trench coat rather than an almighty Angel of the Lord.

Cas turns his head to inspect Dean’s work. He gives an experimental flap, sweeping all the old feathers littering the floor up into the air. “Thank you, Dean,” he says sincerely. He folds his wings back, and Dean’s heart aches for something he never had in the first place.

“Don’t - don’t mention it,” Dean chokes out.

A fluffy piece of down drifts down to settle on Cas’s nose. He goes cross-eyed to keep it in view.

Dean cracks up. Grinning, he reaches up to brush away the offending bit of down.

Cas catches his arm in an iron grip, his own face oddly intense.

“Cas?”

But before Dean can finish his sentence, Cas pulls him closer and seals their mouths together.

Dean lets out a muffled (completely manly) noise of surprise against Cas’s lips before muscle memory takes over. As Dean kisses back, Cas makes a light soothing rumble in the back of his throat, his touch gentle and warm. Dean’s other hand grasps desperately at Cas’s shirt, anchoring him in place. An electric, bubbly feeling is exploding in his chest, a wild kind of joy Dean normally would tamp down, tell himself, watch out for the other shoe to drop.

Other shoes like Cas’s missing memory.

Dean freezes, and it takes him a long moment to realize Cas isn’t moving either. His grip on Dean’s arm has gone slack. Dean opens his eyes to find Cas’s eyes wide open and glowing with an electric blue light.

Fuck.

Dean’s watched his fair share of angel-on-angel porn and more than his fair share of angel-on-human porn, and kissing’s not supposed to do that.

Dean takes a stumbling step back. “Cas?” he tries.

But Cas doesn’t move. He doesn’t give any sign he heard Dean at all.

Dean falls forward, tripping over his feet. He grips Cas, hard, by the shoulders. With his heart in his throat, he gives Cas a small shake. “Cas?” he tries again, and his voice sounds alien to his own ears, loud and breathy with his panic. He shakes him harder. “Cas!”

Several agonizing seconds pass, and the light slowly dims from behind Cas’s eyes, leaving behind his normal blue.

“Dean?”

Dean’s knees nearly give out with relief. “Hey,” he says weakly, “Nice to have you back, buddy.”

Cas blinks a few times. He swallows, a strange expression coming over his face.

“You okay?” Dean demands. “What the fuck was that?”

Cas stares at him. “That was the curse breaking.”

Read Part II here!

#profoundnet #angel castiel #beekeper castiel #farmer dean #fluff #wing grooming #amnesia #mutual pining #friends to lovers #rae writes fic

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bella-spil · 3 years

Text

Halloween

Summary: you and the avengers spend Halloween together.

Characters: Y/N (your name), Bucky, Loki, Thor, Tony, Steve, Sam, Natasha, Clint, Vision, Wanda, Peter, Shuri.

Warnings: cursing, tbh thats it. VINE REFERENCES

Word Count: 2.4

A/N: hi.. I’m sry I haven’t written in a while. School has been killing my creativity. This is gonna be more of a miniseries, more like 2-3 parts. It’s prob not gonna get much attention, but if you like it, just comment or re blog bc it helps my confidence with posting stuff on here. This is also inspired by a meme I saw (Ill post it at the bottom of the story) and a video with Anthony Mackie and Chris Evans (link) Masterlist is here

Tag List: @sea040561 @wednesday-add-em @kmuir1 (lmk if you wanna join)

Halloween was a week away. Tony being Tony, already paid for the decorations for the tower, so basically all of the floors look like a haunted house. Rolls of toilet paper stretched across arches in the hallways, tiny spiders were all over furniture, bones and eyes and zombies and witches and everything in between that you could possibly think of was in the tower. The tower looked like a zombie on steroids; creepy yet entertaining at the same time.

Everyone was fine with the decorations, but the costumes were a big issue. Steve and Tony kept arguing over the ideas, both of them wanting to do group costumes. Everyone else had their ideas too, but Tony and Steve were at each other's throats for the past couple weeks, since like August. Your room in the tower was right by the meeting office, so hearing the two of them screaming at each other for the most stupid shit was driving you insane. Once it got to the point where you had to yell at them to shut up.

This morning, a week before Halloween, while everyone was there, you cleared your throat while you heard Steve and Tony bickering.

“Guys this is getting to be too much. We need to have a meeting to discuss these fucken costumes.” you said.

“Yeah this is getting out of control,” Nat agreed.

“Guys, cmon, you have to agree with me. All of us having Iron Man suits would be awesome. We could fly around the city all night and have so much fun!” Tony said.

“Tony, stop. All of us being soldiers is better.” Steve countered.

“STOP!” Clint groaned. “You guys are insane. We need to discuss this as a group.”

Tony and Steve sat across from each other, glaring at each other. Death was looming between them.

“Fine,” Tony sighed. “When and where?”

“The office, 2pm,” Nat said. “And everyone has to show up, that means you too Bucky.”

Bucky groaned from the other side of the room. He hated group discussions, he liked working alone better. Said that it was faster to be alone and you didn’t have to worry as much.

~~~

2pm finally rolled by. Everyone has showed up in the big office, one that seemed a little too big. Everyone was tired of the bickering and had showed up, thankfully.

Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint, Thor, Bucky, Sam, Peter P, Shuri, Wanda, Vision, Loki and you were crowded around the table. Tony was standing at the end with a whiteboard, prepared to write down ideas.

“So guys, what do you want to do?” Tony said.

“What about we dress up as famous Star Wars characters?” Sam suggested.

“Nah, Steve isn’t going to know who Yoda is. That’s a must if we do Star Wars.” Tony said.

“Devils and Angels?” Wanda said.

“Not original,” Steve said.

“What about we just wear each other’s costumes?” Thor suggested.

“You really think you are gonna wear my wings?” Sam said, a hint of annoyance in his voice that made you and Bucky snicker.

“I don’t think any of you guys want to wear a leather catsuit,” Nat said.

“We could dress up as famous vines,” Shuri offered, smirking at you and Peter.

The three of you quoted vines daily and the rest of the team never knew what you guys meant, which made it even more fun. Eventually, Sam, Bucky and Clint started learning vines with you because they kept saying things which you guys followed up with vine references. The frustration got to the three men and they started to learn with you, but they weren’t nearly as attentive as you, Shuri and Peter.

“What’s a vine?” Steve asked.

“Vine was a website created in 2012, officially released in 2013. It was ultimately shut down in 2016. Vine was a website where users would create short videos an-” Vision said.

“Vis, I don’t think they want a whole essay,” Wanda said, seeing the reactions of the other Avengers. Sam had started to fake snore, Loki was muttering something to Peter about knifes, and Shuri was about to watch vines, from what you could tell.

“It’s this app filled with people saying and doing stupid things for attention,” Nat sighed.

“IT IS NOT STUPID! VINE WAS LEGENDARY!!” Shuri shouted.

“YOU WOULD DO THINGS FOR THE VINE, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE!!” you shrieked.

“EDUCATE YO SELF!” Clint shouted, right in Natasha’s ear. Doing that earned him a hard punch in the back of the head.

“Well I don’t have all day so we need something,” Tony groaned, hitting his expo marker against the whiteboard.

You and everyone else was trying to come up with ideas when all the sudden, quiet Peter Parker, who was pretty much the baby of the tower, spoke up.

“Mr. Frost Giant, God sir?” Peter asked.

“Loki,” Loki sighed, pleasantly shocked.

“So, you have ice powers right?” Peter continued.

“Yes, I am an ice giant,” Loki said.

“You should be Elsa for Halloween,” Peter gasped.

Then, out of nowhere, Clint jumped up, looking like he had 5 monster energy drinks and 10 packs of warheads.

“I’LL BE MERIDA!!!” he screamed.

“I must assume that I am going to portray Elsa then,” Thor said, with a smile on his face.

“So...we are doing Disney princesses?” Tony asked, slightly confused.

“Looks like it,” Bucky said.

“Who the fuck am I gonna be?” Shuri asked.

“Language.” Steve said.

You and Shuri looked at each other for a moment and with a slight nod of your head, you were both in a song.

“FUCK SHIT PUSSY ASS!!!” you and Shuri sang.

“MOTHERFUC-” Peter started to continue, but Tony just slapped his hand over Peter’s mouth. Tony swore that Peter wasn’t like a son to him, but this didn’t help his situation.

Steve was turning ad red as a tomato in his seat, not being able to process all the dirty words that escaped yours and Shuri’s mouths.

“Ok, who are all the Disney Princesses?” Tony asked, frustration in his voice as he looked down at Peter. Tony gave him a look, one that said “Stop this shit or you get your suit taken away for two weeks” and once Peter nodded his head slightly, Tony removed his hand.

Vision started to list a bunch of them off, even some of the ones that aren’t considered princesses, like Megara, Alice and Jane. Once Tony had a list of all the princesses, he started to write of all the avengers, making lines to match them up with their character.

“Ok, who wants to find their Disney princess counterpart first?” Tony asked.

“Me, I already asked before,” Shuri said rolling her eyes.

“Well I mean you already are a princess.” you said.

“Oh,” Shuri said. “I don’t have to dress up then. Haha. You can cross my name off, Tony.”

Tony sighed and rolled his eyes, while taking her name off.

“Next?” he sighed.

“What about me?” Steve asked.

“Oh this is gonna be interesting.” Sam grinned.

“Snow White.” Bucky said, without even hesitating.

“Wait why?” you asked.

“Ohhhhh, I think I see why,” Wanda smirked.

“Continue Barnes,” Natasha said.

“First of all, Snow White was the very first princess to come out. She came out in the thirties or forties. She’s the oldest. Steve was the first avenger and he is the oldest.” Bucky said.

“Bucky, you are a couple months older than me.” Steve countered.

“Second,” Bucky continued, ignoring his friend completely. “She is like the most gullible and is surrounded by followers. Snow White was like living with seven dwarfs. And she was underage and just lived with them. Steve here, was the leader of the Howling Commandos. And I was in that group, so I had to endure him and his stupid ass decisions, but I couldn’t elect to ignore it.”

“That’s offensive,” Steve said.

“That's the point,” Bucky said.

“Ok so Steve is Snow White.” Tony declared, making a line between Snow White and Steve on the whiteboard. “NEXTT!”

“Me,” said the super secret Russian spy.

“Hmm..” you thought.

“Megara,” said Clint.

“Oh that's a good one,” Sam agreed.

“Who is Megara?” Steve asked.

“She is an attractive Greek lady that Hercules, the son of Zeus, who is the King of the Greek Gods, falls in love with.” Thor explained.

“Thor, how do you of all people know that?” Shuri asked. “Shouldn’t Vision know all of these things?”

“M’lady, I am formally educated in Disney movies by the request of Peter Parker, also known as ‘The One and Only Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman’.” Thor explained.

“Kid, you make Thor, the God of Thunder, sit through Sleeping Beauty?” Tony asked, shocked.

“My dear man of Iron, Sleeping beauty was quite relaxing. That Prince Philip, that amazing man, demonstrated quite intellectually advanced ways to use a sword. Ways that I can use Storm-breaker effectively in battle.” Thor smiled.

Tony and Sam shared a look of disgust with a combination of interest and concern.

“Thor, I don’t think you can learn fighting tactics from a cart-” Vision started.

“I need to watch the movies again,” Clint and Bucky muttered under their breaths.

“No she should be Mulan,” Wanda said. “Mulan is determined and strong. Megara just messed with the God of Death.”

“I mess with death all the time,” Natasha countered.

“I should be Megara.” Bucky stated.

“Because you almost died?” Steve asked.

“Because your soul is dark and empty?” Sam asked.

“Yes and no. My hair is long, not as long as her’s but I can make it work. Hair extensions. She plays with Hercules’ emotions. She is also strong and independent. Like me.” Bucky explained.

“That settles it. Bucky is Megara and Natasha is Mulan.” Tony said, making lines between the two avengers and their princesses.

“nEXXttT!” Tony shouted.

“Me me me!” Wanda said happily.

“Yes Mr. Stark I would like to go as well.” Vision added.

“Wanda would make the perfect Moana.” Thor said. “Moana and Wanda both demonstrate very strong emotions, which affect their abilities regarding their powers and limits and they care deeply about the people that mean the most to them.”

He nudged Loki in the shoulder to try to get him more involved in the meeting. Loki was just throwing his knives up in the air, and Peter was getting very interested, and getting dangerously close to the God of Mischief. Tony was eyeing the two of them very, very carefully.

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Loki sighed, just going along with Thor or the sake of it.

“Who would Vision be then?” Sam asked.

“He could be the dead grandma,” Clint suggested.

“Yeah, that one that turned into the manta ray.” Nat agreed.

“It’s settled. Moana and Dead Grandma Ray.” Tony said, making the lines once again. He had to add “dead grandma” to the board for Vision’s sake.

“NeXXXXXtttT!!” he shrieked.

“Tony, you should be Belle,” Natasha said.

“Yeah. I mean, they both fall in love and save the people that mean the most to them, even if it means putting their own life at risk.” Steve agreed.

“And they are both really smart.” Peter added.

“Peter, you just had to say that and I would have been on board. Now I had to listen to Steve and Natasha for a minute.” Tony groaned as he drew a line between his name and Belle’s.

“Thanks Tony,” Steve said sarcastically.

“Your welcome, Capsicle.” Tony gleamed back.

“Sam should be Cinderella.” Bucky said.

“OMG that works!!” Shuri exclaimed.

“Yeah..” Sam realized. “I’m Cinderella ‘cause she broke, homie.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, smiling from ear to ear, looking back at Sam.

“She represent me, yooo,” Sam said. Then he looked over at Steve and said, “Lemme borrow twenty dollas.”

By this point, Steve couldn’t hold in the laughter and almost fell out of his chair. And Sam, being as he called it “Steve’s best friend, better than Bucky,” saved Steve from collapsing on to the floor.

“Steve is the cinder princess. Deal with it.” Tony declared, adding another line.

“NeeXXttTTT!” Tony screamed.

“Now, all that’s left is Peter and Y/N,” Wanda said, eyeing you two.

“Peter should be Rapunzel. Before they face the real world, they are both innocent, but then when they see what the world is really like, it changes them.” Thor said, analyzing the similarities between the princess and the superhero.

“Jesus Christ, why is Point break actually really on point?” Tony asked.

“My dear Stalk of corn, I am educated like I told you earlier. Insect man has really helped me tap into my inner child and all of the pain my demon brother made me endure.” Thor said.

“Spiderman,” Peter mumbled.

“I take that as a complement.” Loki stated, out of the blue.

“Rapunzel is Parker.” Tony declared.

“Last but not least, Y/N.” Steve said.

Now, it took everyone a while to come up with a princess for you. You didn’t fit the exact mold or looks of a certain princess, so it was definitely harder.

“What about Alice?” Sam said/

“Why the fuck would she be Alice?” Bucky asked.

“Because Alice in Wonderland is supposed to portray the effects of drugs.” Sam explained.

“So your saying that I act like a drug addict?” you asked.

“NO!” Sam shouted.

“Sam, drop it before you dig your own grave.” Steve said.

“What about Jasmine?” offered Wanda. “You have a very free spirit like her, and she’s your favorite princess.”

“Yeah sure, that sounds fine.” you agreed.

“Y/N is Jasmine! dOOONNEe!” Tony shouted with relief.

“WAIT I CHANGED MY MIND!” Shuri shrieked. “I WANNA BE A PRINCESS. I WANNA BE TIANA SHE IS AN ABSOLUTE BADASS!”

“FINE!” Tony shouted back. “NOW WE ARE DONE. EVERYONE HAPPY?”

Everyone in the room, not wanting to disagree with a hot-headed Tony, looked around at each other and slowly nodded their heads.

“Great!” Tony smiled, a complete change in moods. “Tomorrow we are going to Party City to get our costumes. Everyone in this room has to come so we can get the wigs and dresses and makeup. No skipping out. That includes you Clint, Bucky and Loki.”

The three men who were called out rolled their heads and sighed. But they agreed to go. To Tony’s happiness.

“Great. Meeting finished. Pepper wants me for something. Probably for the party. Nobody try to call me or you will be met with an ear rape of AC/DC.” Tony said, putting on his glasses and promptly leaving the room in Stark fashion. Everyone eventually left the room, you being lost in your thoughts.

“You coming, doll?” Bucky asked, seeing you were still sitting in the room.

“Ya, I’ll be out in a second.” you said.

“Alright, you, me and Clint are doing a Disney marathon for fighting tactics. Don’t be late or you because we are gonna eat all the food. I don’t wanna hear you complain.” Bucky said, walking out the door with a lazy drag of his legs.

Now, relief filled your body. Now you wouldn’t have to hear arguing about costumes! And they actually agreed to costumes, shockingly. Now you just couldn’t wait to go to Party City and endure all the chaos. And then, you left the room to watch Disney movies again, for fighting tactics.

Oh, the chaos that awaits.

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dreadnought-dear-captain · 4 years

Text

You Asked, I Told

Spoilers up to Chapter 37 of Baghdad Waltz

Hi everyone,

I’m so very sorry for being so late with getting Chapter 38 out. Writing that Spent Brass put a delay in everything, though it was really crucial to get it posted before this next chapter.

This has been a really tough chapter to get right for me. I’ve gone back to the drawing board more than once for a couple scenes. I’m not sure when it will be out, but I’m working on it daily and making some good progress. Thank you for sending me your words of encouragement and letting me know you’re thinking of me! I’m thinking of you too and know you’re really looking forward to more. It will be a doozy, in terms of content, so I hope it’s worth the wait.

In horrifying news, BW is turning THREE YEARS OLD on March 13th. Kill me. (But not before I finish this fucking thing.)

In the meantime, here are some answers to some Asks-------

Thank you so much for the very kind words. I’m so pleased that this story checks off so many of your boxes, and I’m relieved to know that the structure and methods I’ve chosen for storytelling have lent to a balanced narrative where you can appreciate both of these characters. I figure people don’t have to like each character equally, or at all. I just really want their choices make sense, for each character to have a distinct psychology, to have each action and reaction be believable, even if it is infuriating or illogical (it can still fall within the character’s internal logic, based on their own worldview). And I am so honored that this fic can serve as some inspiration for your own. God knows I have mine I go to on the reg when my stuff sucks and I can’t string two words together to save my life.

This is a deceptively silly question, I think (because I can’t keep anything simple). Working out together would be a nice little nostalgic throwback, wouldn’t it? I sometimes pop back to earlier chapters when they were in Baghdad and think about those times with a wistful smile. I think about the way they related, the way they looked, the relative lack of complications in their lives, and it’s such a profound departure from the way things are now.

Steve obviously has kept up his gym going with Matt. We’ve also seen that working out for him is about more than just being swole and hawt; it’s about control and regulating his emotions. And for Bucky, working out used to be a way of maintaining peak fitness for his career, which was one of the ways that he evaluated his self-esteem. If he was fit, he had value. Also, if he was fit, he was sexy, and we know that sexual capability is also one of the primary currencies he uses to determine his self-worth. He also used the construction of his physique as a way to develop his masculinity, the correct form of [gay] masculinity, rather than being a twink or a sissy. This was always a struggle against Bucky’s natural slim body composition, which has become his default again now that he’s been out of the military.

Now Bucky faces a couple of hurdles to exercise, whether he would do it for health or for building his physique. He has the challenges brought about by his many injuries - compromised grip in his left hand due to his massive forearm injuries and inconsistent rehabilitation efforts, ongoing pain in his right foot and a continued limp from that, significant back and hip pain due to very heavy load bearing and overcompensation from his foot injury. This would make it challenging for him to engage in any intense fitness program. What he really needs is to go back to physical therapy, and probably occupational therapy as well, but last time didn’t go so hot last time.

Even if he didn’t have to contend with his injuries, Bucky is at a bit of a crossroads in terms of how much energy he wants to put into rebuilding and maintaining his ideal physical self, which seems to be based on some prototype he picked up long ago (more on that in a future chapter). No chest hair, no body fat, muscles, a perfectly shaved asshole at all times… But he’s not 21 anymore. He has a boyfriend now. And even though he’d probably love to go to the gym to shoulder in on Steve’s time with Matt, I wonder if he would want to go for himself anymore. I wonder if going with Steve would be intimidating or make him feel pressured to fall back into his old patterns. Because now at least he has the excuse that he can’t lift heavy, that he can’t run, so he might as well not even try. But if he could, it would be interesting to see where his path would go as a 31-year-old man.

See? You thought it would be a simple “Yeah, there’re totes gonna go to the gym together, chapter 41, stay tuned!” or “No, probs not, I don’t think he’s much of a gym goer anymore.” Alas. I give no simple answers. This is why you have to wait 5 months for a BW chapter.

This is a good observation. Bucky loves himself a good drunk pizza. He also watches a lot of food-related TV when he drinks. Bucky has had to think a lot about food for various reasons. One is building muscle and physique when his body is telling him NO I WILL NOT. One is not eating so that he can get drunk faster. One is eating the right kind of diet so that he can have anal sex without having to worry about digestive issues (constipation, feeling too full, not being ‘ready,’ too much or too little shitting), which is a thing he would take seriously a hardcore bottom. I see things like pizza as a comfort food, family food, something Winnie would get for them every Friday night after they moved to New York. It’s a very emotional food for him, but he knows it’s “bad” for all of the aforementioned reasons, because it will make you fat and slow your buzz and stuff up your colon, so he might be most inclined to eat it when deep in a bender and doesn’t give a shit about those other things. Because Bucky not only drinks to forget and manage intense emotions, but he drinks also to just relax the relentless march of self-perpetuated, often absurd rules about what and who he is and what he can and should do. So yes, Bucky has some disordered eating, most of it functional, though a lot of his lack of eating recently is likely anxiety-related and/or stomach illness-related.

Another excellent observation. For those who might need a refresher, since this was in chapter 36:

The morning after Bucky shows up at Steve’s drunk and they have sex and many revelations are made about drinking during their relationship, Bucky gets honest about what happened the day before. He tells Steve: “I had my interview. It— I really don’t know how it went. I was so out of it. I’ve been so fucked up these past couple weeks. Just— it’s been bad. Really bad.” He tells the story of what happened at Scott’s. Steve asks why Bucky didn’t tell him he was struggling, and Bucky says that he didn’t want to get into it. Steve shifts in to talking about whether they should get back together.

I think there are a couple things here I could say. Yes, Bucky saying that he’s struggling is an example of some unusually straight-forward honesty that’s also a personal risk for himself. That’s a real measure of progress! But while I think this honesty is something that’s pretty new, the fact that he’s in a bad place mentally is not new information to Steve. I think back to the chapter before, after Bucky’s PT appointment with Luke, where he was clearly very distraught and having an extremely difficult time. Steve couldn’t get him to say what was happening then, but it was clear that it was something very major. So I don’t think this really felt to him like a major revelation, like Bucky’s really been holding it all together perfectly while imploding on the inside. I think this observation was more like, why didn’t you just TELL me you were struggling rather than having to have me wonder and then get wasted and come here drunk? Steve has a long history of asking Bucky if he’s okay and getting the brushoff. He’s probably starting to get tired of always asking and getting shot down.

Another part of your question is also very valid - is this the right time to get into a relationship?? Haha. Ha. Well, nobody said these two were good at making relationship decisions. But on a more serious note, Bucky having struggles is not only not new information for this month, it’s not new information for their relationship. Bucky has always had a secret life of pain that Steve has had to wonder about, ask about, beg to be let into, and he probably figures that one of the best ways he can affect change is if they’re in a romantic relationship. It will let him get close, give him some leverage, etc. So although it might come off as callous, Bucky’s struggles are the rule rather than the exception, and Steve probably figures he needs to get this relationship locked down so that he can get them into therapy and much-needed help.

Of course, there’s plenty of dramatic irony here, right? Steve doesn’t know what we know, which is that what Bucky is struggling with here is the REALLY BIG STUFF. He probably just thinks it’s his usual stuff. So. We’ll see where that goes. Bucky is going to maintain this illusion for as long as he possibly can.

Yes, @pitchforkcentral86 and I had several conversations about whether Bucky should have an animal. It’s a common trope in fic, and a joyful one to read. (Omg, I didn’t know about Alpine until now and I am thrilled!) And yes, service dogs, emotional support animals, therapy animals, pets, they can all be very healing, can provide meaning and purpose, and can also help to structure the lives of people who feel destabilized in various ways.

However, I have held back on giving Bucky an animal because a) his aforementioned history with animals, and b) I’m not sure if that’s what he needs at this point in his journey. I do really think Bucky has some sort of healing that needs to take place around animals. He loves animals. He loves nature and is a true soft boy (TM) who has been deeply hurt by his experiences. It was very inconsistent with his values to do the things he did, see the things he saw, and it’s so painful that he doesn’t know how to reconcile it.

But he’s in such a precarious place now emotionally, with such low resources, and he can barely even share the smallest pieces himself with other humans. People are a lot more complicated, yes, but animals are a lot of responsibility. He would be so hard on himself if he didn’t do a good job, if he didn’t react well to his animal companion, etc. And I think it would probably be more bang for his buck to devote that energy to trying to increasing his emotional intimacy with his partner or his sponsor or other important humans in his life who are asking for his trust. He could GO BACK TO THERAPY EVEN.

I do think something that would potentially be helpful and pretty low resource cost is to have a therapy animal in his life, like something he could go periodically, a therapy dog at the VA or something he could visit and pet once in a while. It would be a good start.

But that’s just my thinking for this character specifically. I think service/emotional support/therapy animals are wonderful and can create incredible bridges for people to improving their quality of life.

Well, that’s all for now! I will continue plugging away at BW and will get it to you as soon as I can. Thank you, as ever, for your patience! And thank you for the wonderful Asks <3 <3 <3

#YOU ASKED I TOLD #send me asks #thank youuuuu #baghdad waltz

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sillyfudgemonkeys · 4 years

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@moldygreenblue (tumblr why are you always like this? ;w; lemme tag)

I believe I went off on her a little before (outside her dungeon, x) Anyway Futaba’s there for a number of reasons:

I hate her dungeon, her shadow, just her whole arc from a lore perspective. The rules are broken....no...shattered for her, not just P5′s rules but previous games’ rules. (I think I mentioned it in these posts x, x, x, btw these are all pre Royal.....Atlus probs saw a post about it and was like “we need to add doubts in Royal maybe now it’ll make sense!” srry boo but she says it’s no her mom and her cognition should reflect that right away you still messed up, also too little too late).

I’m pretty sure I remember talking about how I do no think she is a good representation of mental illness, she basically is cured with the “power of friendship” after a week (of being conscious), and they only use her lingering issues when they need it for plot reasons (on top of the fact iirc the writing between main story and CoOp is contradictory, iirc she’s like “MC you’re the one who saved me! I can only go out if I’m with YOU!” and then the next day of one of my playthroughs Yusuke literally picks her up and she’s like “oh I’m fine now, and it’s thanks to EVERYONE!” and it’s just....pandering for a romance in that CoOp). It pisses me off she’s the rep for mental illness.

She takes up too much screen time, and it feels like a lot of actual issues/obstacles we could just....overcome is instead made so we NEED to use her (I’m looking at you dungeon 3 of PQ2, you can suck it, Fuuka should’ve been the focus, literally makes no sense for Futaba to be the focus????)

Ties into point 1 but still deserves it’s own point. I hate how she’s like “THEY STOLE MY HEART! THEY CHANGED MY COGNITION!” but....we didn’t.......we literally didn’t. Did we help/save her with our intervention? Yes, but it’s not cause it was supernatural, we just showed up for her. Did WE solve her issue supernaturally.....no....not really, we didn’t get a chance (remember how....there was no treasure! oOo yeah we go into her Palace, but that’s not really changing her, it’s us going in irl and being like “yo ya gotta go outside! get that sunny D!” than us screwing with her dungeon). She solved it herself, Yaldy gave her the app, she ran into her Shadow, she accepted her Shadow, she solved it on her own. Not only is it a straight up lie, and conflating someone changing their mind/”heart” with the PT way of changing hearts (as well as the fact you know....we didn’t change her cognition, she did), but it also reduces her own involvement in her own healing process and overcoming the obstacle herself. We were just the spark, the rest of the flame emerged from Futaba. Like listen, the IRL stuff we did was important, but when it came down to the wire, it was her own memory and faith in herself and her mom that helped her confront herself and her false memories (because y’know...she couldn’t hear us). And it pisses me off that the writers would take something important to a character and her message, away for some bullshit reason.

I dunno some times she acted like an ass and it was just annoying, I already had Makoto/Yusuke/Goro/MC(even Mona/Ryu at times, to other’s not each other, obvie they do it to each other) kinda getting away(or have gotten away) with that without much reprimanding. (and tbh, anything that could possibly be redeemable, is either nonexistent, or overshadowed by the fact she’s mostly just there for her be connected to a literal mother of a plot device, no her hacking isn’t needed you have superpowers and another world WHY do you need to rely on her????literally states in the first dungeon you can’t use a phone camera in the metaverse even, but for some reason a laptop is fully working?????I know one is part of the phone and the other is a comp but it’s our only tech we know/can relate back to, so what does it mean Atlus? Is the comp allowed but the phone isn’t? Why? Just explain. Here’s one I just made up for you: Phone has to have the app open at all times in the metaverse! Or, actually no tech works well in the Metaverse, which means no laptop, one or the other choose please)

Oh she kinda screws us over, until we joined we didn’t have any connections to doing anything illegal. Yeah she throws that out the window. I mean we can always sell her out, but we are her enablers/accomplices.

Someone I know who was studying hacking at the time (for their work) was like “she’s kind of pulling that shit outta her ass.” And it hurt them to watch any of her scenes play out (I think the wire tap was the one thing she got a pass on tho). It doesn’t help it’s not really explained enough (so they can see if it’s plausible). To them it’s cringe, to me it shows convenience for the story (obvie I care more about how it hinders the story skadlfj;alfj and if it’s like they say, it annoys me even more).

Spinoff wise I hate how she tries to grope Anne and Makoto in P5D, and I hate how she takes up a shit load of screen time in PQ2 (I don’t care Hikari is a shut in, gdi Fuuka earned that spotlight in dungeon 3, it makes no sense why Futaba would do it, hell Fuuka should’ve been chiming in due to her knowing what it’s like to be bullied, same with Rise iirc she was also bullied, like god damn, PQ2 really went “We’re gonna give all the screen time to P5 kids even tho they won’t really do jack shit with most of it, and just have P3/4 kids chime in enough to remember they exist”)

Basically I don’t like what she brings to the table, esp since the game makes us rely on her. She doesn’t spark the exact same amount of rage that Makoto does (tho if you saw me my last playthrough during Futaba’s dungeon I’d say it’s pretty close), but it does feel insulting from a long time fan/lore fiend/just a freaking viewer trying to consume the medium that’s seeing there’s some toxic stuff in her writing (and I don’t mean “toxic” I mean “it’s really bad to freaking think that friends will fix your mental health, it won’t, and it’s unfair to you and your friends to even think of putting that onto them” bad levels of thinking).

I also find she’s a wasted opportunity, such as “oh what if we solved this mental illness with supernatural means? what could possibly go wrong? Esp with how drastic the change is for other people we’ve done it to! :D” *cough* *cough* If only they figured out that’d be kinda interesting *cough**cough* Oh mean what a violet coughing fit, I mean violent.... >.> *in a bad canadian accent* I really need soome air eh?..........8U ANYWAY, the biggest role she serves (besides spotlight stealing to justify having a hacker), is a connection to her mom and showcasing that even “good people” can have palaces.....sadly the latter seems to fall on deaf ears on even fans of this game.....and the writers/characters. So uhhhh good job failing at the latter (for awhile at least), and uhhh....we could just NOT have the former! I think the gov could be shady without them also getting in on supernatural stuff but that’s just me. 030

#moldygreenblue #silly reply #silly replies #persona problems #that one pun isn't the best not the correct pronunciation but it's close enough #p5r spoilers #persona 5 royal spoilers #if you can find the spoilers then you already played the game

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swimmingclodnickelllama · 4 years

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This will prob be my first and only post. But its kind of anon unlike my other socials and no one will see it so.

I’m so broke . Idk why. Or how this happened. But this girl fucking broke me. I grew up like traditional so as a guy ive never cried publically and shit and ive always suppressed my feelings. And i didnt think itd catch up to me till i was like 40 but I’m 23 and its killing me. I wanna self induced forever sleep all the time. I work 6 days a week and long hours so most of the time i just focus on work and sleeo but on my free time i just wanna die. Its more than the girl but she was the tipping point. If i didnt have family i wouldnt be here but i have to stay cause i dont want them to be sad or feel like they failed me. I literally dont remember ages like 15-18. Thats how well i suppress feelings. I have literally a 3 year gap in my memory where i should remember everything. I think part of my problem is being alone. Which is so weird cause ive always thought i did well alone. And maybe i did for awhile. But rn i just need someone. Someone to hold me and tell me its okay. I feel weak talking about my feelings so I’m here. Being a weird anon. I dont want to be sad. I want a family. I want to be successful. I want to goto school. I want to make someone daughter the luckiest woman alive. I just know i need to make myself feel like the luckiest man alive first and idk how. 5-6 days a week i work eat and sleep. But as soon as i have free time i literally cry until i have no tears left. I should probably stop drinking. I notice i get super depressed when i drink. And idk if its because my brain has nothing to occupy itself on other than my thoughts cause its busy being tired and working during the week. Or if I’m always like this. Idk. Sorry if this doesnt make sense I’m kinda drunk rn. If by some chance someone see’s this, just know you’re worth it. Ill post again next time i feel like this. Maybe i’ll try weed. Stay sade and be happy everyone. You’re loved ❤️

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bluesfm · 4 years

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( park chaeyoung , twenty two , & cisfemale ) who ? these days , it’s all about blue hyong, who comes from los angeles & ca and is making headlines as a singer . she currently has a fan count of 42k , no thanks to the rumors of them being inflexible ! but , on the other hand , their most devout fans say they’re actually imaginative . last i heard , they caused quite a buzz when she publicly dissed her new record label and the misogynistic treatment she was receiving from their reps ! it’s no wonder they remind me of long rants in the notes app being posted to her twitter account , empty bottles of wine laying at recording studios’ floors & notebooks upon notebooks filled with lyrics she might never use but refuses to let go of .

well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a dumb noodle from the middle of the south american jungle , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue who’s a muse i have had for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the same messy bitch on the inside don’t worry folks ! so i will provide u w/ some background info on her n some possible connections under the cut . issa lil messy but we’ve been away for a while pls bear w me

blue is the only daughter to a couple of south korean immigrants that came to america when they were in their very early 20s n already expecting blue in order to chase the american dream n create a better life for themselves n their family . their life was pretty hard for a big part of blue’s childhood , while they were both studying n working odd jobs to pay for their education all the while taking care of a child . so blue didnt have the best childhood , not that her parents were bad or anything they just didnt have time for her . nowadays , they are a lot more comfortable in life , since her dad became a lawyer n her mom is a nurse , but they definitely didnt have an easy beginning .

ok so maybe bc they werent present durant most of her childhood they didnt notice a lol of signs that might have made things a lot easier for them , bc by the time they were available to emotionally be there , during her early teenage years , blue was already kinda a mess . she had grown up w very lil structure n refused the rules they tried to instill on her n was already used to doing things her own way . that lead to a lot of conflict between them , since they expected her to study hard n do well for herself in a nine to fiver when she was already sure art was the only way to go n while she did ok , she definitely wasn’t as good as her parents expected her to be .

so ... u know her teenage yrs were basic girl angsty she fought a lot w her parents n rebelled frequently n ran away from home like ... weekly , but she never rly had any real hardships . life was reasonably good but she always had something to complain abt ... just as she liked

[ MENTAL ILLNESS TW ]

but then she reached her late teens they all realized there was something going on other than the usual teenage angst she displayed all the time when she had her first manic episode . her parents thought it was a “ blue thing “ at first bc she was usually a very impulsive person n she rly didn’t have a habit of thinking before acting on her impulses , but her mom quickly noticed the signs of a manic episode when she realized how aggitated n restless she was , specially when blue described an hallucination she seemed to be having . they took her to a psychiatrist , she was admitted to a hospital n diagnosed w type 1 bipolar disorder n very quickly medicated . while the medication brought her out of her episode , n she was allowed to go home after her mood seemed to stabilize , blue also noticed it stunted her severely emotionally n decided ( against medical n parental advice [ pls dont do it fam !! take ur meds ] ) to quit her medication , falling into her first major depressive episode a few weeks afterwards . n for abt four years she’s been living w her disorder , n she doesn’t medicate at all . she’s super open abt her struggles n she has a Lot of them , specially w how much drugs n alcohol she consumes . i never said she was smart yall .

[ END OF TW ]

ok so as u probably assume , blue is an emotional mess . she has a very chaotic personality , n most of it isnt even from her illness or anything she just is a very chaotic person in general ? she is one of those artsy ppl who forgets to wash her own clothes so she ends up wearing the same dress for like , 3 days . she’s super outspoken n outgoing n rly easy at making friends if u can get past the dumbass energy she exudes 24/7 ? but yes just a very outgoing person n a outright mess most of the time . she is also soooo stubborn u will never get her to change her mind abt smth she believes to be right about in any way . u just cant . she loves a good time n loves partying n is the lack of impulse Queen soo if u got any bad ideas she is the one u should go for if u need any company . also .... so dramatic . she makes a big deal of everything n has 0 apologies abt that . just catch her crying over high school musical 3 or smth like that .

but yea on the bad side tho , blue takes up n gives up on projects so easily n she can be super fickle abt things in general . like , she will defend an idea for 7 hours but 2 days later she’s already onto smth else n doesnt even remember being so obsessive abt that other thing ? a mess . is also Quite abrasive ? if she thinks ur acting dumb shes not gonna be scared to call u out on it . can also have a Reaally explosive temper . not usually but specially during manic episodes she can be quite easy to annoy ngl . is very unreliable , especially if ur not too close .. tbh that is something connected to her disorder . when she’s on a manic episode , she will be too busy planning things she will never get around to doing or painting her entire house or spending 3 days awake n drunk writing 17 songs by herself . n during her depression is very hard to get her to do anything n even if she feels terrible , she rly cant be an available friend .

in regards to her sexuality , she’s an open bisexual and also is a crazy romantic n falls so hard for literally no reason . but like ... doesnt have the healthiest mentality for relationships ? not like in a toxic way but she will usually give 145% of herself at all times n honestly believes all of the ppl she falls for are the one (1) just wants to make things work no matter what . she’s v impulsive w/ meeting n falling for ppl tho so things dont rly end up working n she always ends up heartbroken over it . Well . At least she’s trying right ?

in regards to her career n art , she’s posted youtube covers n original songs for a couple years and gathered a decent following ? she wasnt huge or anything but she did get a record deal w an actual big label out of it a few months ago . blue was pretty happy abt it but then when the recording process started she realized they werent treating her as she thought she deserved at all ? which resulted on her taking her thoughts to some reps of the label n when she didn’t feel any difference in the way she was being treated she took it to the public ? which definitely caused quite a sitr bc she wasn’t a huge name but she was big enough ? so now she’s in some considerable trouble w her label but Also more famous than ever so they are choosing not to bury her for now ? she’s in some definite trouble though so it’ll be fun to see what happens next n what her moves will be ? spoiler alert : it’ll prob be smth dumb.

i still have so much to say but i’m so lazy wow . dont start ur intros so close to opening time folks thats my tip as an old internet auntie . OK SO ONTO SOME CONNECTIONS NOW

some label mates who she may or may not get along with ?

hookups !! she prob has a few she regrets too bc who doesnt am i right

best friends !! ppl who actually support her n she loves w no restrictions just love all around friends

exes </3 not gonna lie i have some sad ideas abt this one

good influence bc blue is a mess she needs one of those pls someone slap her head n make her drink some water

a fling she has feelings for but may not be requited ... i like my romantic connections to be angsty did yall notice

artistic soulmate !! someone her artistic bitch side just vibes with ? could be a songwriter or singer or anything tbh

some indecisive romantic shit where blue rly knows sh’s too messy n this person is too amazing ? but they still have feels so ... now what ?

this is p mcuh it ?? it has taken so long to finish this i hate myself but HEY if u like blue or dislike her u should hit me up so we can come up w some plot ideas ? i wish i had a quirky goodbye idea but my brain has just quit working guys so u get nothing from me other than a good old fashioned goodbye thanks for ur attention i love u

#cala.intro #sometimes i surprise even myself w how unorganized i can be #i am sorry this is so messy im trying to keep it on brand tm #also i cant believe i actually finished this

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seenashwrite · 5 years

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Notes From Nash: Season 15 Episode 2

We're back! And by that, I don't mean back for episode #2, I mean we're back in the little town, same little town we were in for the majority of episode #1. And as far as how ep #2 compares with ep #1.... um.....

The writers ain't in no damn rush to advance the plot or further character development, are they? So this is basically ep #1 all over again with some guest star overload as a substitute for those two very important aspects of storytelling I just mentioned.

[stares at date]

They've got *how* many eps to wrap up the show?

Hoo-boy.

Spoilers below the cut.

Changing it up from last time (see link at bottom), I thought I'd go in order of the ep this post. All right. Let's roll.

From the mom who gets 86'd in the opening------

And, PS: That's not disemboweled. Don't use the word if you (a) don't know what it means and/or (b) won't let make-up/effects do their job.

-----to the rest of the people, I care nothing. There was no point giving all these extras lines and whatever little backstories, I give no fucks. Mainly because, gee, I don't know, I signed up for a show about two brothers goin' out there and gettin' after it, and thus far we've gone about two inches and gotten nothing.

Are we still in this little town?

More questions, borrowing from the dialogue some here:

"Remember when we did the thing with Amara?"

"God's sister?"

"And the soul bomb? And here's how it worked? Remember? Because you participated? REMEMBER?! I'm not just saying this for the benefit of, oh wait, no one, because the chances of brand new viewers coming into the game this late is virtually nil, so everyone - including us, here, in this scene, our characters - already know this backstory, ergo the only reason for exposition anvils is to benefit those viewers, who - as we've already established - likely don't exist. So let's run through this for the benefit of, I have to assume, the writers who don’t actually, you know, watch the show as evidenced by--- well, we’d be here all day."

Nope. No, no. Those aren't questions I had. Because I've been watching the show for a good while now. This exchange should’ve been something to the effect of - “I was thinking - remember how we did the soul bomb, with Amara? Do you think you could pull off something like that? To trap them?” and then Rowena responds with uncertainty but will give it a try, etc. I mean, the writing in this ep is thus far pedestrian.

There's still no explanation for why these ghosts - especially these super notorious ghosts like Ripper and Lizzie and who-fuck-ever - were lingering so close together that they were able to be trapped by the stupidest ex machina spell in the writing world. And what of the others? The entirety of hell escaped. We've seen, what, maybe 20? Could there maybe have been a throw-a-way line to Belphagor something like “Did you corral the worst douchebags together”, or “Is there a bar in hell where the worst douchebags hang out or something”, or “this is just our luck that the worst douchebags landed here” or WHATEVER, just SOMETHING to acknowledge they (the writers) recognize that Convenient Super Bad Ghosts Are Convenient.

IT'S KETCH, BITCHES!

I love this character. What a breath of fresh air that snarky piece of ass has been. I hope he doesn't get killed. He will. Because we can't have anything good. But there is some good, which is the Ketch-Rowena flirting. Honestly, I'm fine with Rowena getting action from anyone. She's awesome and she's earned it. Ketch is primo catch, though. (I'm not sorry for that sentence. I am, but I'm not.)

The repeated use of Belphagor's name pleases myself and my podcast co-host. Should you wish to know more about that demon, please do check out our podcast. Don't look him up first, trust us. That they have chosen this particular demon's name is just *chef's kiss*, though I do hope it's not a foreshadowing for how the rest of the season is going to go. Okay fine, I'll spoil it: he's a shit demon. He deals in poo. Literally. I'm not lying. Go forth to the podcast @youtotallymadethatup - just about every post links you to where you can listen. /shameless self-promo

IT'S AMARA, BITCHES!

Let's hope that wardrobe does her better than that ill-fitting black dress this go 'round, she deserves better.

"You're the darkness, I'm the light."

STOP IT. STOP. FUCK. STOP.

Are we still in this little town?

Blah blah blah Castiel Dean angst repeating essentially what's already been said at the end of 14 and last week blah. "You know what's real? We are." Not if it's an alternate timeline, my love.

I keep forgetting just how many spaced-out chains you need to have strewn about your standard meat packing plant and/or factory, well played, set dec and props. That.... that was sarcasm.. (Look, I got no beef with the crew, they're just playing the cards they've been dealt, and their hands are garbage, just a pile of same ol' same ol' stereotypical, unimaginative stuff, so bless them. I hope every single one of them has a job lined up next year, truly. They have more than paid their dues and earned it. Lord knows especially since certain parties took the reins, good night nurse. I've digressed. )

IT’S KEVIN BI----

This is dumb. This is actually dumb. In case you didn't see my half-time post, and I quote:

That is *three* in under twenty minutes. Like, it’s episode 2. You’re blowing your wad. Pace yourselves. AND MAYBE SOME STORY ADVANCING, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME

This bullet thing could be hella interesting. It *could* be. I wonder if it will be.

These ghosts are painfully uninteresting. The guy playing the Ripper is horribly miscast. This needed to be someone who... who.... I dunno, is a good actor. He's not. Sorry, Pops. I mean, even Osric (who is an excellent actor) couldn't elevate that scene.

This episode is painful.

Are we still in this little town?

Ketch got knocked out, left alone with ghost, deffo gonna get possessed.

Are we still talking to these ghosts? Why? Why is Kevin thinking he can go up against them alone? I'm not exactly sure what threat they are to him, can't he just disappear and whoosh somewhere else? I missed something, I must've missed something. It doesn't matter, none of this matters.

Okay, Belphagor says there's at least a hundred. Still, what would that be, like 1/2500000000th of hell? Why are the Winchesters, of all people, and now Rowena concentrating on this stupid little town----

Are. We. Still. In. This. Little. Town.

---why in the fuck aren't the most renowned hunters of modern time and their angel friend and the powerful witch friend and the friend with immense tactical knowledge regarding weaponry for supernatural shit not at the bunker strategizing and planning and... and... and.... I just....

Lookit, I've said this before: especially in fantasy/sci-fi stuff, if you are logical in every possible place you can be, if you nail the simple shit, then the audience is exponentially more likely to buy into the fantastical stuff, and also to be more forgiving (or not notice altogether) when you inevitably whiff, because nobody's perfect, of course. But this show in later years has notoriously screwed the pooch on the easy stuff, and here we are, in some needlessly convoluted mess right out of the gate in the last season ever.

::sighs::

Oh, look. Because of course he's possessed. You left him alone with a ghost. I'm neither a professional writer nor a psychic, I'm just thinking "What is predictable as possible?" and saying that. You try it. It's worked for me so far.

"I tried to heal him it didn't work" - well maybe he's still residually possessed. Or maybe you suck. Sorry Cas, you don't deserve that. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's them. It's the writers. I don't know what this line is about unless they're teeing up Cas to be even more neutered than he already is. I legit don't know, I can't think, I'm so irritated right now.

"Nothing to hold you anywhere" - what? Really? Seriously? So what are you and Dean? Y'all ain't his family? Let that little badass haunt the bunker. He'd be the most awesome research assistant ever. Now THAT is a good plot point, have ol' Kev be home base, helping coordinate whatever's coming. Oh here we go, swishy swishy hand, magic hole, nobody knows why this demon can do all this shit, and Kevin's gone. Why? WHY. My idea is better. No way Osric would blow your guest star budget, it appears to be shaping up to be immense, especially with all the money you've saved so far on location(s).

Shoulda kept him rest of season, let him assist, then his final reward is getting into heaven for reals when Cas (they'll probs kill him, tho) or Amara (maybe, seems too obvi a choice tho, and she doesn't give a shit about beng a ruler, we knew that back in whatever season that was) or Jack (because why not, it's the most ridiculous idea, since he's got the mind of a toddler, meaning it's something the writers would think is a great idea) or Billie (wild card guess) is the new God. Or have him brought back to life, fuck, I don't care.

So is the bullet trapping Chuckster on earth, is the question, and if so what kind of all-knowing deity puts a weapon in the hand of a potential enemy that could render him even a *touch* weaker? Where's the long game, there? What could any possible reasoning be?

Okay, well, the scenes between Emily and Rob have been the best part of the episode, as well as the interaction with Ruthie and DHJ. Everything else fell flat. J2M seemed to be bored and phoning it in, and it's not often that can be said about any of those three.

I swear, if the preview shows that we're still in this little town for episode #3.... wait, is that the crypt from ep #1?.... are.... are we.....

ARE WE STILL IN THIS LITTLE TOWN

What have we learned? Other than Chuck, no character development. The plot remains that some ghosts-interchangeably-used-with-souls from hell are trapped in a confined area, and it was via a tenuous spell provided by a demon whose motivations are unknown, and there's something up with that bullet wound. We knew those already.

(There's possibly something wrong with either Cas or Ketch -- or else that's something that will be completely forgotten was ever mentioned -- but we don't know either way and we don't know what it is, therefore we didn't learn anything; if this does ultimately turn out to be something, then we'll count it as a learned item for that episode.)

So, minus learning that Chuck is weakened somehow and that at least for right now Amara’s not exactly in his corner, we're in the exact same place story-wise that we were in last week.

And looks like we'll be back there again next week.

See you next week, I guess.

=================================

Past posts, from newest to oldest (and I sometimes do addendums if a response warrants)

Episode 1

#Supernatural #SPN #15.02 #SPN Spoilers #SPN Season 15 #SPN S15 #SPN XV #Nash Notes #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days #Nash Recaps #sort-of

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mirohed · 5 years

Text

kim seunghun | love me, love me not

pairing: kim seunghun + gender neutral reader

wc: 3.7k

genre: hanahaki au + angst

synopsis: daffodils represent unrequited love. is that why you keep coughing them up?

warnings: implications of suggestive content, descriptions of illness (and mention of surgery), mention of alcohol

playlist: love me, love me not.

a/n: happy birthday to me!! im glad i finally got to finish and post this (its,,, been in my wips since at least february LMAO) !! they prob wont read this but i wanted to thank my irls for dealing w me and my kpop bullshit (esp bc none of them stan ygtb 😔)

It's getting worse.

Your knuckles turn white, gripping the porcelain of the toilet. Tears and blood alike fall into the bowl, disturbing the gentle peace of the water. You pound at your chest, the action causing you to hack up yellow daffodil petals stained suspicious red. It's a monotonous process at this point. Pound. Cough. Pound. Cough. Repeat until the damned coughing stops.

It takes ten minutes before you return to normal. Or at least as normal as you can get. You got lucky this time.

You watch the petals spiral downward into the gaping hole in the toilet and get flushed away.

Being with Seunghun wasn't always accompanied by a tightness in your chest and petals tickling your throat.

june 19, 2005; 2:52 PM.

"I wanna grow up," you had grumbled, your hands squeezed around the chains of the swingset. You and Seunghun had been riding your bikes for the first time since getting the training wheels off. You had sped down a hill ("First one down’s a rotten egg!") and lost control, falling off and scraping your knee on the pavement. He rushed you to your parents' house, supporting your weight with an arm around your waist. The two of you had settled for playing on the swingset in your backyard instead.

"Me too," he said. "I think." He'd been rocking forward and backward on the swing, eyes focused on the blades of grass underfoot.

"You think?"

"I don't know." You stayed silent, trying to gain as much height as possible with your uninjured leg. "I don't wanna grow up and stop being friends." That got you to stop right in your tracks, your leg planted on the ground.

"What?" You sent an incredulous look his way. "Why would we stop being friends?"

He had let go of the swing, his hands finding his lap. "Some of the older kids stopped being friends when they grew up," he mumbled. "I don't wanna stop being friends, but neither did they..."

You got off the swing, limping over to him and wrapping Seunghun in the biggest hug your six-year-old arms could muster.

"We're gonna be best friends forever. Don't forget that."

"Best friends forever." If he wrapped his arms tighter around you then, you didn’t pick up on it.

[09:54 PM] huniebee🐝: i had fun today :^))

[09:54 PM] huniebee🐝: i wanna adopt a puppy!!

[09:55 PM] huniebee🐝: will you promise to help me take care of it

You brighten as the messages come in, your phone's vibrations distracting you from the way your throat clogs.

[09:56 PM] you: ofc

[09:56 PM] you: well be the best puppy parents the worlds ever seen

[09:57 PM] huniebee🐝: wait i need to send the pics from the pet shelter

[Attachment: 8 images]

You save each picture, cooing over the puppies you got to meet. This time, you only get a precious few minutes of relative clarity before things get too distracting to ignore. You return to the bathroom with a resigned sigh that devolves into a fit of coughs.

You cough and retch and cough some more. By the time you're done, there are less petals and more blood in the toilet bowl. Your chest still feels full of something you can't quite spit out.

Then you hack up something new: a bloody stem with wet flowers still attached.

There's nothing left to do but cry, your whole body wracked with pain both physical and emotional.

august 29, 2011; 3:15 PM.

"Today was fun," you said, making yourself right at home on Seunghun's bed. Your new backpack hadn't lasted more than a couple minutes in his house before getting neglected on his carpet. Your best friend hummed in acknowledgement, already sitting at his desk with his workbook out. "I'm glad we got to meet some new people," you continued, "but that Hyunsuk guy? Seems like a major pain in the ass."

"Give him a chance."

"I know, I know. I will. But still," you huffed, “it was his first day too. No need to act like a know-it-all."

"I know. But it's the first day. Maybe he'll even himself out with time."

The conversation ended there, and you spent some time staring at his ceiling fan, the blades going round and round in a big, beautiful blur. Before long, you had grown bored, looking over at him only to see his pencil flying across the paper.

"Hey. Let's go to the mall and get pretzels." Seunghun spun around to face you, a foot stopping his chair from going too far.

"Sure," he gave a placid smile. "Do your work first."

You groaned as loudly as you could, sounding much like a petulant child straight out of elementary school. (Which was more or less the truth, but you thought you were better than that.) After a few minutes of uninterrupted whining and failing to get Seunghun to break, you spoke up. "Why do I need to do my work? You're Mr. Hardworking, Mr. Teacher's Pet."

"We're in middle school now," he had said, and you remember thinking you were in for a long lecture, "and pretty soon, we're gonna have to go to high school and take entrance exams and decide which university we want to go to and..." He averted his gaze, put down his pen. "We need to start growing up."

"We're still young," you reasoned, sitting up and letting your legs dangle off the side of his bed. "If anything, this is our time to experience things and, you know, make mistakes before we become adults!"

He was silent for a few long, agonizing moments, long enough to make you think you'd won. The pretzels were within reach; all you had to do was ask for them.

"I call a compromise."

Shit. Compromises were common in your friendship. Seunghun was always a little too good at stopping you from making stupid decisions. The worst part was that you could never argue with them. "We go to the mall to get pretzels—my treat—if, and only if, you do your work. We don't go until we're both finished. Deal?"

You opened your mouth, determined to pick the proposal apart, but his reasoning was (unpleasant, yet) bulletproof. Instead, you reached for your backpack with a heavy sigh. "First of all, fuck you. Second of all," you said, tugging your own workbook out, "you're impossible."

"I know. Do your work."

"Fine."

The math problems had been difficult, definitely harder than you were used to, but doable. If anything, the greasy mall pretzels that were way too salty to be healthy made it all worth it.

Seunghun gets understandably very worried when you text him from the hospital, but he comes to see you nonetheless. In his arms is a bouquet of daffodils.

"They symbolize friendship," he says, setting it down on the table next to you. You stare at the pristine yellow petals and flatten your lips in a tight smile. How ironic, you think, that he doesn't know they also symbolize unrequited love.

"The doctors wouldn't tell me why you're here. Classified information, they said." That much is true; nor much is known about the disease outside of shitty romance movies with unrealistically happy endings. Seunghun always believed in them. You never did.

You don't think your story's gonna have a happy ending.

You didn't want him to know anyway, lest he worry. (And you don't want to think about what would happen to your friendship if he found out he was the cause of it all.) "You don't have to tell me," he begins, sitting himself down on one of those rigid hospital chairs, "I just wanna know if it's bad. Like, well...you know.” He lowers his voice to a whisper. “Terminal."

"Like if I'm gonna die?"

"Yeah," he rubs the nape of his neck, a bit abashed, "more or less."

"I don't know. Sure hope not," you chuckle. That brings on a coughing fit, and Seunghun looks on, brows knit together. He moves close to offer what little comfort he can, but you hold your hand up to stop him; having him near will only make things worse.

Petals threaten to spill out of your mouth, and panic bubbles in your chest when he asks if you're okay. Your doctor, bless her, chooses that moment to enter. She shooes him out "to speak to you in private." Seunghun, to his credit, obliges and flashes you a smile and a thumbs-up as he goes. You try to mirror his expression (and hope your smile isn't more of a grimace).

The door closes behind him with a soft click. "Friend of yours?" the doctor asks.

You spit the blood-stained petals into your hand, your doctor graciously looking the other way as you toss them into the trash. "You could say that."

october 4, 2013; 5:11 PM.

You tugged at your clothing, feeling more than a little uncomfortable as you waited for your best friend to show up. The DJ, a former student, was already hard at work inside the gym. You heard the bass-boosted beginning of the Cupid Shuffle and shot a frantic text to Seunghun.

[05:11 PM] you: holy shit theyre playing the cupid shuffle can you PLEASE hurry up

[05:12 PM] you: idc if this is our first homecoming you better get your ass over here

[05:12 PM] huniebee🐝: give me like two minutes!!

[05:12 PM] you: THE SONGS GONNA BE OVER IN 2 MIN

"Are you waiting for Seunghun?" Hyunsuk had asked, tie already loosened. You two had gotten close—not as close as you and Seunghun, of course—this year as a result of having classes together. You wondered why you ever hated him.

"Yeah. He won't be too late, thank God, but I'm pissed we're missing the Cupid Shuffle. What about you? I remember you bragging all week about 'flexing your dance skills in front of the ladies.' Or are you all talk, as usual?"

"You know, it's almost like you don't want me to wait with you."

You had laughed, knocking your shoulder into his. The chatter kept up for a minute or two before he made his leave. ("Well, it's time for me to flex my dance muscles in front of the seniors," he chuckled, giving you a salute as he walked off.)

"I'm here! God, I can't believe I missed the Cupid Shuffle," Seunghun said, head hung low. You began to feel a little self-conscious; you were feeling out of place in your semi-formal outfit, yet he looked right at home in his dress shirt.

Chasing those thoughts away, you grinned. "You're here now, aren't you? Come on." You took his hand and dragged him into the gym.

You don't talk to Seunghun or to Hyunsuk after that. You're not sure if you should tell Hyunsuk about the whole situation when he texts you. Seunghun must have told him something was up, of course, and he's insightful enough, sensitive enough (when he wants to be), but you worry. You're afraid he'll open his big mouth. Instead, you send a few messages to your best friend.

[04:29 AM] you: hey

[04:29 AM] you: i just wanted to say in advance that im sorry

[04:29 AM] you: im so so sorry for everything ive done and for what im about to do

There's one last message in the text box, daring you to send it. "I'm sorry I love you," you whisper instead, deleting the message before you do something you’ll regret. To seal the deal, you tap through a few menus until you reach his contact. The picture you've assigned to him is one you took; he's about to take a big bite of cotton candy bigger than his head.

With a heavy heart (though you hope it’s just the weight of the daffodils in your chest), you block his contact. It's better this way. It has to be.

Your doctor said you could get rid of the thick, thorned vines with a vicegrip around your heart and lungs, could pluck the flowers that threaten to spill out at the mere thought of your best friend.

The biggest side effect of it all, she told you, was that you'd forget all about Kim Seunghun. So you steel yourself.

The last thing you think about before they insert the thin needle of anesthesia in your veins is Seunghun's smile, and how you'll never see it in person again.

And how even if you did, you wouldn't remember it as the grin from the boy you love.

october 4, 2013; 9:16 PM.

The frenetic strobe lighting in the gym slowed to a stop, having been replaced with a spotlight making lazy rounds through the gym.

You knew that marked the beginning of a slow song, and dragged Seunghun off the floor in search of some punch. He seemed to have different plans, tugging you back on the floor and pulling you flush against him.

"Where are you going?" he had asked. "You're the one who wanted to dance the night away." His hands found your waist, yours instinctively folding behind his neck. You had wanted to say something about how that claim was void now; he was the one that made you miss the Cupid Shuffle, but the words get extinguished when you look at him.

It was just like that time you practiced in fifth grade, but you swore there was something different about tonight and the way you swayed. You thought back to your practice session in fifth grade, how you had stepped on each other's feet, how you spent the whole time laughing. (For the record, it wasn't for any lack of balance; you started it, laughing as he cried out before he stomped on your toe.)

There was no laughing during the song. Everything was vibrant and deafening and there all at once. But at the same time, it was like everything had been stripped away. Everything but you and Seunghun.

Things changed after that. You were left with a dizzying, free-fall sort of feeling that picked up with each glance at your best friend. Almost every butterfly in the world was taking current residency in your stomach, making you feel light as your body moved to the music. Before long, there was something lodged at the back of your throat, nudging its way forward.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick," you said, a particularly heavy cough bringing the mysterious lump to your mouth.

Running your tongue along the smooth texture of the lump (okay, so not phlegm), you spat the offending object into the sink: a single yellow petal, coated in saliva.

You blinked.

Blinked again.

"Oh, what the fuck," you muttered, unlocking your phone. One quick Google search later—why the fuck am i coughing up flowers—you found an answer.

Flora mortem. You were loath to believe WebMD, of all things, but you found yourself tapping the link regardless. There was another term for the rare disease: Hanahaki.

Revising your search query was a mistake. The first result was the "hanahaki" tag on Tumblr, which showed nothing but models with tears in their eyes and bloodied flowers in their mouths. Yikes.

You made your way back to the party after that, but lingering in the back of your mind was the cause of the disease: a severe case of unrequited love.

There is only one definite cure for Hanahaki Disease: having the object of the afflicted's affections return their feelings.

You almost manage to purge the petal and the stupid WebMD page from your mind for the rest of the night.

Almost.

You wake up hours later. It's a little disorienting, sure, to come to with little memory of what landed you in the hospital. You peek under the oversized hospital gown to see bandages over your chest, get tempted to rip the IV drip from your arm. The doctor comes in right before you make a move on the needle. She tells you all about how the flowers in your lungs are gone for good.

"You're saved. But the final test," she says, pulling a phone from her pocket, "is this. Do you recognize the people in this picture?"

You recognize yourself next to a boy you don't know. His hand's around your waist, pulling you close. You wear matching grins. Given the way you're both dressed, you suspect the picture's from your freshman year's homecoming dance. Weird. Memory's kinda fuzzy from that night.

"Yeah. Myself. I don't know the other guy. Am I supposed to?"

"No. You're not. Congratulations," she smiles, placing a hand on your shoulder. "You're cured."

You look through all the old messages and pictures when you have some time to yourself. You reach out for the memory, the feeling of knowing Kim Seunghun. You get nothing, and while your brain knows something's wrong, you're more concerned about being able to breathe easy.

You move to a new city, far, far away from the place you grew up in. You finish your last year of high school, get a job, start college. You make new memories with new people. You forget all about Kim Seunghun.

It gets easy to forget that you weren't born with the ugly faded red scars that run up and down your chest. It's your only remaining tie to the man you loved so much you almost let yourself wither away. You think it's a good thing you cut him off; why stick around, why force yourself to suffer, for someone who doesn't love you back? Why be with someone if it physically hurts to stay by their side?

But sometimes you wonder. What happened? What happened to him after his best friend walked out of his life for good with no explanation?

Those days are never good. You distract yourself then, often with the familiar kick of alcohol burning in the back of your throat. You've never been much of a drinker, but you figure it's never too late to start.

Sometimes, the distraction comes from being in the arms of another.

(One of your favorite distractions, a young man named Byounggon, had run his fingers along the angry lines one night, jotting them down in his map of your body.

"Do you regret it?" he asked then, eyes half-lidded with drowsiness. You cupped his cheek, ran a thumb along the planes of his face.

"I wouldn't be here if I regretted it, now would I?" He let the corners of his mouth turn up just so, pressing his lips to yours.

You don't talk to him much nowadays, your interactions reduced to likes on Instagram, views on Snapchat. He's moved to a bigger city. "More opportunities," he said. You keep up with his dream of being a musician, always. There was a time when you were his number one supporter, after all.)

"Will that be all?" the cashier asks, jotting your order on the plastic cup. When you nod, he asks for your name. He jots that down too.

But then his eyes widen and he looks at you with renewed interest. "I'm sorry?"

"Is there a problem?" you asks, peering at your name (spelled correctly) on the cup. His eyes search for an answer within yours, some sort of explanation you can't seem to give. He averts his gaze, shakes his head, places your cup in the queue of orders.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Just thought you were someone I knew. Have a nice day." You parrot the phrase, catching a glimpse of the young man's name tag.

Seunghun, it reads in cheerful yellow. There's a doodle of a puppy in the top right corner. You think it's rather cute.

Two weeks later, you meet Seunghun again. This time, you're out for a morning jog. The crisp autumn air greets you as your feet meet the pavement and let out a satisfactory crunch under the burnt orange leaves on the sidewalk.

You both get stopped at the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. While you catch your breath, you don't miss the way he flinches, as though he didn't expect you to show up. He schools his expression into something friendly within no time, and you wonder if you imagined the whole thing.

"The weather's nice, isn't it?"

"It is," you pant. "On your way to work?" He raises a hand to tug at the strap of his backpack with a small smile.

"Yeah. You should come by, give us business," he grins. "On mornings like this, I recommend the hazelnut latte." You hum in agreement, not yet recovered enough to converse. "Tell you what, you come and get one when I'm working, I'll make sure it's on the house."

"Really? Maybe I'll swing by." The light changes, and you leave Seunghun behind, waving goodbye as you do.

You come in later that day, ordering a hazelnut latte as promised. Seunghun's manning the register, same as two weeks ago, and when he takes everything down, he smiles. You miss it as you pay, but there's something extra on your cup.

As you take a sip of the (delicious; his coworker Yedam must be some sort of brewing prodigy) latte, you catch a glimpse of the extra writing.

Along the side of the cup is his phone number.

[10:58 PM] seunghun!: more than anything i want to adopt a puppy

[10:59 PM] seunghun!: or rather another one

[10:59 PM] seunghun!: i named this one after an old friend

[Attachment: 1 image]

The picture of Seunghun and his dog brings a smile to your face. You've been spending more time with him recently, whether it be going on coffee runs ("Are you sure you're not just using me for my employee discount?") or complaining about life as a broke college student ("My card got declined trying to buy a bag of chips last night...").

It's nice. Spending time with him is...nice.

It's more than a simple distraction, somebody to hold close on nights your decisions try to haunt you. It’s friendship, something to hold onto when you lose your way in the dense forest of your mind and to cherish when you manage to make it to a clearing and bask in the sunshine.

You've caught a cold recently (probably from that bastard Seo Changbin in your communications class). Seunghun's given you some homemade tea, swearing on its usefulness. It certainly tastes good, the sweet honey chased by tangy lemon. Unfortunately, the tea isn't able to stop the persistent cough you've been plagued with.

Feeling phlegm start to come up, you turn the bathroom lights on, hacking it up and spitting into the sink.

Huh. That's weird.

There's no phlegm.

The only thing in the sink is a single golden petal, coated in saliva.

#seunghun scenario #seunghun imagine #seunghun angst #kim seunghun scenario #kim seunghun imagine #kim seunghun angst #ygtb scenario #ygtb imagine #ygtb fluff #yg treasure box scenario #yg treasure box imagine #yg treasure box angst #seunghun #ygtb #ari.doc #ariweek 2019 #c9boyz

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wrenchyyyy · 5 years

Text

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on. My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go. I will not be going back to tumblr . Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it. Twitter and snapchat. I’ll stay on those. Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know. It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore. I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say. I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away. It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017. I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000. Family I keep saying it. I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with. It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are. My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins. They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them. My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters. I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me? Who knows.. all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad. They def don’t know I’m depressed. They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.

Friends wise I can’t deny. I have friends in all stages of my life. GSA, QP, and MSU. But do I see them ? no? Do i connect with them on THAT level? Sure. Depending on the people. In grammar school, I had John and Grace. In Qp, I had Ade. In college, I had Cassie. THAT level. I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace. Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did. That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL. John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard. We can’t just meet up and talk. Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU. Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same. She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me. This devastated me more than even I knew. I had to talk to Ade about this. If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships. Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest). Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her. The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao. Really. The crazy part now. I am at ease with Ade. We both matured. She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is. I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok. It’s what I always wanted. Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me. The talks on family, life, careers, everything. gone. The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation. I’m not entitled to know why she left. I just have to accept it. It’s true. I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit. I have to see it from her point of view. She prob thought I was crazy lmfao. but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone. Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore. Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media. I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too. Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao. The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend. She wasnt even my best friend tbh. She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life. Thank you Cassie. I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt. Also that she was a great friend to you.

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it. Move on Chris. The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore. One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed” which is crazy. I don’t even talk to that girl. I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it. Irene i will forever be grateful for. This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her. It really helped me mentally with that trip. Ade is ade. She’s a good person. She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.

I guess it’s crazy how it works. Ade helped me get through Grace. Cassie helped me get through Ade. Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie. lmao . In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore. Irene is well Irene. I fucking love that girl.

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich. They moved away and it hurt me alot. Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with. It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff. Again looking back, I just felt alone. Sad. and just depressed. I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain. It did not work. I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.

I always try to tell myself. What do people see you as? What do they see you doing? Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it. I did alot of things I never thought I can do. 22/30 Baseball parks, maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own. Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise. In 2019, I want to find purpose again. I really do. I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me. Like Irene and Ade. Like my GSA friend. Like Kim and Jan and nick. like I do have friends. I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay. You will survive. That void hurts. I get it. As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad. Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up. I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it. but if you don’t respond or answer. I get it. It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone. My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces. Any way.

Farewell to anyone reading this. If any one reads this.

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

Text

Survey #176

rape tw

Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Noooonononono. It's a texture thing. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. How many friends do you have on Facebook? Like... 116? How many contacts do you have in your phone? 16. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, but I wanna get pepper spray. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? No, I'm too paranoid of strangers. Do you know anyone who does cocaine? Not to my knowledge. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I used to be a super in-shape 117 lb. queen that even then felt slightly fat. :') What’s a quality that your sister has that you absolutely can’t stand? One has a serious temper, the other's... well I dunno. I don't see my older sis enough. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Something you would NEVER buy? Uhhh the first thing that came to my head are snakes that aren't directly from breeders. Both snakes I bought from PetSmart were sick, so. No thanks. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Yeah. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No, deal breaker for me. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes, Nicole. Do you think your first love still loves you? No, but the feeling's mutual so np. Are you a money saver or spender? I've never had a consistent source of income, but when I do get some from gifts or photography, I've actually proven to be great at saving it for whatever my target is. Hopefully I stay that way when I do have a job. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yes. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Yup. If you have any piercings, who did them? Claire's did my earlobes, then various people from Garry's Skin Grafix and mostly New Addiction did my piercings. Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailer? No. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? Never been pulled. Have you ever taken shots? (of alcohol) Noooo, been offered to take part I think twice, but it's not something I think I ever want to do considering I loathe the taste of alcohol, hence why I only ever drink fruity things with tiny amounts of alcohol. Do you like mash-up songs? Occasionally, I guess? None even come to mind. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? No, because I have a plethora of my own and don't want to put a child under the supervision of someone with conditions like mine; as well, I'm sorry, but I need to take care of myself. Took me damn long enough to get here, and I'm not going back to how horrible my life was before out of stress and having to handle a child with a severe mental illness. And oh, did I mention the main reason is because I don't in any capacity want kids? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. Do you listen to classical music? Not intentionally. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? No. I'll admit I like someone if they ask, but otherwise I just don't see it necessary to walk up to your guardian and just randomly inform them that you have a crush. Are you due for a haircut? Getting there, maybe almost two months from now. Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? My OCD's been exceptionally bad lately. Do your parents like the music you listen to? Both like certain artists that I do - a lot, really. I do know I also like heavier stuff than them, though. Do your parents approve of your beliefs? Not all. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? Don't live in one. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was honestly the psycho ex. I was very rightfully broken, but I shouldn't have done many things I did. Why were they a psycho ex? ^ I wouldn't leave him the hell alone and would pester him on Facebook too much even when I was ignored and, most regrettably, make just enough time to blame him for my ER visits before leaving until he finally blocked me. I sincerely don't blame him if he does consider me "the psycho ex." What’s the best revenge you ever got on someone? I don't care in the slightest about revenge to even think up a situation where I got any. I've never deliberately fished for it. What screen name did you use in 6th grade? FlowerOurQueen ew. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? ih crihmus What’s the last movie you saw? Halloween. Who was the last person to call you? This fucking car insurance agency that calls like every goddamn day. I've answered a couple times thinking that it could be VR and promptly hung up upon finding it wasn't. By now, I recognize the three digits after the area code to just ignore them. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? VR. Where is your least favorite place to be? Hospitals. Where is your favorite place to be? Sara's house. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman? lol no, grow up, 0-19-y/o me denying your own sexuality in fear of a "loving" god sending you to Hell. :^) Would you like to learn to play the drums? Nah. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Types of people. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Motivation to live, again. Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? Sometimes. Always with close friends. Have there ever been floods where you live? Oh yeah. Do you listen to K-Pop? No. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Ummm idr, but not very long ago. Sunshower. What’s your favorite television commercial? I don't watch TV anymore, so I don't know any current ones. But it will probably /always/ be the sexy Mr. Clean one because memories fuck me up. Have you ever tried writing a song? Yes. For one of the Nintendogs tracks. I even moved their heads around to the tune of the song. kms What is your favorite type of juice? Peach/mango. Whose birthday did you last celebrate? My nephew's. When you were a kid, did you have a treehouse? No. We didn't have trees built for that, just very tall pine trees. What was the best school year in your opinion? 7th grade; ironically, the year my depression began to seriously manifest. Do you know (of) anyone who has committed suicide? Sadly. When was the last time you flew on a plane? This past October. Take me back. Do you eat meat every day? No. Who taught you how to ride a bike? Dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? No. How do you cook your rice? Steam, boil, other? I don't cook. Do you like your country’s president or prime minister? Nope. Some of his policies I side with, but his personality absolutely destroys him for me. Do you wear skirts? No. I absolutely hate my legs. What color is your house? Like this khaki sorta color. How many first cousins do you have? I have zero clue. I don't even think I've met some first ones. Off the very top of my head, I know there's at least... nine? Have you ever seen a pop star in concert? No. Do you listen to Christmas music during the holiday season? No, not a fan of most. It doesn't put me in the "Christmas spirit" anyway. Where would you like to vacation to? The Bahamas baby, Sweden, Japan... What time do you set your alarm to? I don't use mine. Nothing to use it for. Do you like ginger ale? No, unless my stomach is upset. What time does the sun set at the time of year where you live? Like 5, and I hate it. Have you ever been skiing? No. When was the last time you moved house? Feb. of last year. What did you last feel nervous about? How in god's name am I blanking here??????????? Over something incredibly trivial, I'm sure. Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn’t say in real life? No. Who is the last person to text you? Sara. Does the person you like know it? HAHA she's got a pretty good idea. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason or Girt. Girt came to the hospital after hearing about my OD, so my mental state was obviously shit, but Jason saw me in more obvious, externally-expressed emotional breakdowns. Did you have a nap today? Yes. I've been waking up much too early lately. What was the last movie you saw that you really liked? Really liked? Probs Jumanji. Do your best friends live near you? Ha, no. Do you have any stuffed animals saved from when you were a child? A LOT. When is the next time you are traveling outside of the state, province, or country? Where to? I'm sure sometime next year to Sara's. What are your living arrangements currently? Are you happy with them? I live with just my mom and pets. It's fine, though I wish I was emotionally prepared to move out. Hell, and obviously financially. Have you ever had feelings for someone your best friend was dating? N- oh yeah yes, in the Jenna situation. Though I don't truly recall what *kind* of feelings exactly I had. Is there anything written on the shirt you’re wearing? No, surprisingly. How was your first kiss? Super cute. Do you still talk to the person you shared it with? No. Are you the oldest of your siblings? No. Have you ever dated someone who had kids? No; that's a deal-breaker for me. I am not being a mother figure to any child, especially when it's not my own. Have you kissed someone 4 or more years older than you? No. Were your parents married when you were born? Yeah. Does the last person you kissed have tattoos? No. Do you live within 20 miles of where you were born? Yeah. What is your opinions on Valentine's Day? Cheesetastic, is it not? No no no no no I LOVE it!!!! I can't stand that "ugh every day you should appreciate love" shit 'cuz like, why not have a day specifically wrapped around it? Is it hurting anyone in any way shape or form?? What is the last thing you wrote? (typing is not writing, btw) My signature, probably? Do you have an outfit that you consider your "seduction outfit"? lul no. What is the last fruit you have eaten? Uhhh good question. I'm only just back on solids. What was the last injection you received? Was it sore? At the dentist when I had to get a cavity filled. They had to give me no less than 6-7 shots in the same spot to numb me properly, so yeah, it was sore. Have you ever been badly bitten by an animal? No. Favorite sandwich? I'll never turn down a ham, cheese, and mustard one. What characteristics do you despise? Arrogance, manipulative, lack of compassion, anger, two-faced, entirely insensitive, rudeness, raunchiness, the inability to accept one is sometimes wrong and that that's okay, BEING A DRAMA NEST HINT HINT, and I could go on... Where would you retire to? The mountains. What was your most memorable birthday? My 21st. Supposed to be your greatest celebration, yet I was in the mental hospital. It still means the goddamn world to me how my peers and employees tried to make it special. What did you want to be when you were little? First an archaeologist, then a vet. I think I only changed my mind upon realizing the original would've been extremely difficult. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Would you rather have some bacon or beef jerky? Bacon. I'm actually not a big fan of the latter, it's too dry and tough. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I don't know, I didn't take Spanish. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I have zero clue. Do you like coconut flavored things? nooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I really don't like coconuts. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't believe so? I know many who've been violated or molested, but I don't believe I know a rape victim. How often do you get a fever? Like never. What makes you lose your appetite? Unappetizing scenes or smells and feeling/being sick. Are there any childhood habits you are grateful for or regret? I was taught good manners, for one. I wish chores had been more enforced upon all of us. At what age did you start to wear makeup? Did your mom object at first? I think 9th grade was when I "officially" started? It was freshman year and I had that "it's a new start and you're (this old) now, at least try to look pretty for once" mentality with how my self esteem was on the decline. I did it every day for a long time, until one day I didn't put on anything because I was tired of it and my art classmates (I was close to them) literally asked if I was okay lmao. From then on out, it was sporadic; eyeliner, shadow, and mascara some days, other days, nothing. But anyway no, Mom didn't have a problem. I think I recall her worrying about how it was all black, but she in no way objected. Would you consider yourself an adventurous person? This reeaally depends on the situation. I can't say which I lean more towards... maybe no? Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren’t dating? No. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater? No. Have you ever been drunk at work? No. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? I dunno. One thing you really want to learn? Digital art. What is your favorite piece of art you own? I don't own any other than my own work. The most expensive bill I paid last month was ____? N/A What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? @ the Silent Hill wiki, I wasn't understanding why a certain member was giving particular information that appeared irrelevant to me, but he got me to understand. I am extreeemely nit-picky over there, having been active there since '12, and now being a staff member, I'm even more specific. What is the largest TV screen in your house? We only have one, in the living room, but it's been the biggest. What has challenged your morals? Wondering if I was bi in middle school, frustration when I was trying to be abstinent in a serious relationship, pirating (which I still know is wrong asjfawouow), mutually being a flirt with my then-best friend's boyfriend, considering abortion at a much more open-minded angle, the justification of eating meat, my experience in life in relation to religion... Those are the ones that stand out. Who was the last female you hung out with? Mom. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? No. Do you want to get married? Yes. Does the thought of moving out from home scare you? A bit. Would you rather live in a mansion or a small cozy home? The latter. I'm not paying for superfluous space and spending a gross amount of unnecessary time cleaning. Would you ever try being a vegetarian? I did, but stopped for a few reasons. Do you have any tattoos at the moment? Yeah and NOWHERE NEAR DONE. What about piercings? ^ Do you keep your eyebrows more thick or thin? Natural. What color is your bedroom door? White. Do your shoulder blades protrude? No, give them back to me. Have you ever been to a rave? No. How many bananas have you ever eaten in a row? Two? Do you think you’re the best thing that’s happened to someone? No. Can you make a clover shape with your tongue? No. Do you have a protective father? No. What’s the biggest misconception about you, personally? Uhhh probably that I don't try hard enough, specifically with work, adulthood, socializing, etc. when I'm sincerely doing my best. Are you disrespectful to a lot of people? No. Does your cell phone have a case on it? What color? No. What was the last song you had on repeat? "Family" by Mother Mother. Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say? That'd hurt like hell; he's like a bro to me and is the last close friend I have here. I don't know what I'd say. If someone you wanted before came back now, would you take them? Nope. Have you ever had to choose between two people? Sara and Girt. Jason and Juan. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? Good question. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? Cheese, mustard, ketcup, pickles, a little bit of minced onion. Idk which I prefer. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Economics. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? N/A What is your highest level of education? Some college. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? Idr. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? Traffic. I'm afraid of elevators. The last thing you remember dreaming about: Everyone I loved left me, so I tried to suffocate myself. Why do I only recall nightmares, ugh. The last place you went: The parlor to get a new bar for my tongue ring. The last alcoholic drink you consumed: A margarita. The last time you felt insulted/offended: I'm unsure. But I feel it was recently? The last time you kissed someone: October 17th weeps. The last time you held a baby: Months ago when Colleen needed me to hold Keegan. The last time you gave up on or quit something: Vegetarianism. The last video game you played: I finally got a new disc of Shadow of the Colossus!!!!! :'D I'm replaying it and doing both Time Attack modes to get Agro's white coat. The last television show you watched: Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. Are you afraid of shots? No, I just anticipate it being unpleasant. How many times have you donated blood? Once. Would you date someone 15 years older than you? No. What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? An awful stomach virus. I wouldn't stop vomiting. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? I couldn't tell ya. Something in high school. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross? I hate it. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? I personally think Outlast is overall the scariest game made thus far, but one I can't play because of the intense jumpscares is SCP Containment Breach. What about your life concerns you the most? Future financial position. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have? Ummm Severin. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced? Certain clothing and makeup brands, like half the shit doesn't even look that great. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart? At least six. Would you rather take a walk in the cold rain, or in the blistering heat? Definitely the former. If you had the chance to slip through a portal, despite being aware of any of effects and/or consequences, would you do it? No. Do you trust your gut instinct? I try to, but don't always. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom. What are some things that initially attract you to the preferred sex? CHARISMA, kindness, concern for others, a love of animals, and being a gamer oops. What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? The breakup and eventual suicide attempt are definitely the saddest. The happiest, easily the last day of Holly Hill when everyone was telling me goodbye and I felt like I was ready to really live again. When was the last time someone scared you? Sara had me worried something was wrong involving me, but it wasn't. Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Silent Hill 3 is so fucking weird but also one of the best horror games ever. Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: Probably Teddy being cute. Name something within the past week that made you frown: I don't think I have physically frowned this week. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: My mom. Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: My social anxiety has improved. Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: Um I have no clue. Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Drawing anthro characters. Name something that you strongly believe in: Gay rights. Do you like pudding? Chocolate pudding. Do you tend to use a lot of big words? No, it's unnecessary. Just talk so people can understand you and not wonder what five words you said mean. Do you fall for guys/girls easily? NOPE. When someone copies you, are you more flattered or annoyed? Annoyed. Which is worse: Stale chips or flat soda? Stale chips. Flat soda doesn't bother me very much. What’s one show that you wish was still on the air? Deadman Wonderland. Have you ever used a port-a-potty? Omg yeah I know I have at sports practice or games as a kid. I absolutely never would again. What was the last stinky thing you smelled? Teddy's pee; he wet his diaper, and we know he has some kind of infection with how rancid it is sometimes, but we don't even bother anymore because it's recurring. What’s your favorite outdoor activity? Photographing nature.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #tw rape

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