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#life is nothing if you can't try something new!
sophieeeet · 3 days
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Her Warmth, My Peace
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<<<Pairing : Bf!Jay x Gf!FemReader
<<<Synopsis: As Soon as you came into Jay's life things weren't the way it used to be and He Loves that
<<<Genre: Nonidol!Jay x nonidol FemReader , Fluff, Tooth-roting fluff , Jay's in so much Love ( as well as reader) , Realisation of Love etc
Jay’s side of the bed wouldn't even be called Jay's anymore. you sleep there nearly every day, blaming it on how the pillows smell of him.
Jay’s clothes aren't his anymore, you're sleeping in his shorts and t-shirt tonight. you wore his shirt yesterday, and took his ties for some clothes experiments last week.
Jay’s sacred Guitars are no longer his own, he finds you on the floor as you try to make up a new Melodies out of it & Sometimes you just forgot to put them back at its place, leaving them on floor or table.
Jay's Love for Making food has Grown more as he made his mission to try out recipes that you picked out for him to make every weekend, Even though sometimes they don't turn out to be great you still devour his creation like it's not bland in taste only for Jay to practically steal the plate forcefully from you as it's not healthy to eat a Raw Steak as he settles for a take out while laughing at your pout
Jay’s mugs are now shared, always in the dishwasher even when he doesn't recall using them at all.
Jay’s thoughts don't belong just to him anymore. you'd bug him about it all day if he doesn't share what he's thinking so he, with an exasperated sigh while chuckling at your intrigued expression, tells you what's on his mind.
Jay’s salary doesn't go straight to his savings account like it used to, instead taking a portion of it to spend on you. 'you' means gifts, flowers, dates, Restaurants, trips, trinkets, and so on.
Jay’s weekends aren't as quiet as they once were; now they're chaotic, full of so much of you.
Jay’s fridge is full nowadays. candy, leftovers, ice cream, cheese, cake, bread, and the list goes on. so many things that don't go along with his diet fill the once-empty shelves.
Jay doesn't spend as much time in his study as before you moved in. now old books are left to collect dust, long forgotten in a room that's never lit. even when he decides to pick one up and read it, it's the minute that he sees your face the book is tossed away.
Jay's Happiness still comes from days off, but now it's because those days are spent with you. days when he slept long and ignores the world are long gone, now he gets to sit and focus on you, watching as everything else becomes nothing but background noise.
Jay has always been sure he's not looking for marriage, at least not right now. but he swears that ring looks so perfect for you. there's no way he'd miss it.
Jay stands in front of the bathroom mirror 5 minutes late every day because you're still figuring out how to fix his tie the right way without any help. he can't seem to rush you, though what's being precisely on time have on your little giggles as you sit on the sink and struggle to finish a task he could have done in under a minute?
Jay has been spending so much time eating as of late, more time than he can afford. while he used to finish a meal in approximately fifteen minutes, now dinners could stretch to two hours. he couldn't get off the table early when you sit across from him, talking and joking and doing anything that's not eating. he simply can't possibly not indulge in the little conversations, appreciating every moment he gets to spend in your presence.
Jay’s trip to his Parents house isn’t like before anymore as He’s grinning from ear to ear as he listens to your and his mother rant about something but he can’t seem to focus as his eyes stays on and his mother.
It isn’t like before when at dining table all his parents could ever talk about is You making Jay indulge in every conversation as he states what’s your like and dislike.
Jay’s life wouldn't even be called his anymore. you're a storm, invading his life all at once, bringing in your chaos along with you. you've infatuated him, you've assailed his senses and changed his very being. every time Jay’s eyes align with yours, he prays your presence isn't a fleeting one. he silently hopes you don't leave as suddenly as you came, that you plan to stay.
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nyoomiin · 2 days
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roommates: part eleven.
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your new roommate is... odd, and recently, so are your dreams. still, despite the secrecy, the mystery, and his ice cold exterior, you have the feeling you'd waltz right into love with him. (maybe you already have before.)
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pairing. scaramouche x gn!reader
tags. no warnings, slice of life, fluff, slowburn, friends to lovers, reincarnation au, post irminsul erasure
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prev. masterlist. next.
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“Can't even look me in the face?” Kunikuzushi sneers. It's biting, that tone. “This is getting ridiculous.”
He stands between you and the hallway, preventing you from rushing into your room the moment you return home — a habit you had picked up on recently. It's shameful, you know. You really wish you talked it out with him earlier, but you had avoided him on pure instinct the first time you saw him and just couldn't stop.
A muttered excuse tumbles out of your lips, but it trails off, and you're left staring at him like a fool.
“I'm sorry,” you say softly, hesitantly meeting his gaze.
His arms are crossed, his brows drawn. He looks more hurt than the furious he portrays himself to be. His next words are said with stormy eyes and through gritted teeth. “I never pegged you down as the cowardly type.”
It stings, but he’s right, even if he was being rather harsh about it. You couldn't run away from it forever.
He sighs, letting his arms fall, and you watch as he brushes past you, heading for the door. Then, he pauses, turning to look at you.
“Come on,” he tells you impatiently, head cocked to the side. “What are you waiting for? I know a quiet place to talk.”
He spares you not a glance as you walk, always a step ahead as he leads you along the way. You follow him curiously, out of the city, up and down the winding paths of the forest, on a cobblestone path that turns to soil and then grass.
Crisp breeze tousles his hair, his cape flowing behind him, and starlight dusts his figure a shimmering glow. For all that it is worth, you think he looks simply angelic.
“We’re almost there,” he says, interrupting the silence.
We better be, you huff. You've been walking for ages now, and you've certainly had enough time to think over what you’d say to him.
You reach a cliff's edge, overlooking the city and the endless twilight beyond. Damn, you think. It's been a while since you've been this far out.
He sits before you do, legs dangling in the air, chin tilted up towards the skies. You lie on the grass instead, head propped up by an arm. You try not to think about how one wrong move would send you tumbling all the way down.
You tell yourself Kuni would catch you if you did.
For a second, everything is still. His eyes flutter shut, and you watch as he relaxes, as if letting something fall away. For a second, you can pretend that nothing has happened, that nothing has changed, and that you were just a dressmaker and he was just your roommate. And for a second, you entertain a ridiculous thought. You wish that you could stay in this moment forevermore.
You can't, you think. For you still had a lifetime to live.
“Will you start from the beginning?” you ask him softly.
His eyes flicker open, turning to face you almost lazily. He has a way of turning fear into confidence, you learn. He huffs. “As if you don't know the story of my creation.”
You pout. “But I want to hear it again. Pretty please?”
He relents with a sigh, and you cheer.
… It gets dark really, really fast.
“Dottore, that lunatic… He spins a ludicrous tale of how Niwa had killed you for your heart, then fled out of guilt.” Kuni's tone drips with derision, and you can tell part of that derision is directed at himself.
You shift closer to him, frowning faintly. “You couldn't have known.”
He scoffs, and to that, he says nothing.
“Ashes,” he murmurs, gaze a thousand miles away. “There was nothing left but ashes.”
You gasp, letting out a soft cry. Poor kid. Poor Kunikuzushi. Did he never get a break?
The night draws colder as you learn about the centuries Kuni — now named Scaramouche, had lived. Your eyes burn with stifled tears as you can only imagine how someone so pure was lost to time, devoured by wrath and woe, bitterness and venom.
“You should have seen me then,” he tells you, a wry smile spread across his face. “You would have hated it.”
You shake your head in protest. “I wouldn't have. Well, I mean… I would've stayed by your side, at least.”
Surely that counted for something?
“Don’t make me laugh. Someone like you could never survive an organisation like the Fatui,” he retorts. Somehow, you have the feeling he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. “You would have stayed, even if ‘Kunikuzushi’ was no more? Even if you are hurt endlessly?”
His eyes are electrifying, challenging. His face is set in the way he expects you to laugh and take back your words, in the way he expects you to say you'd leave after all. You scowl right back, resolve firm.
“Even then.”
He lets out a sharp breath of a laugh.
“I reached out for the Gnosis,” he says, and there's something tight in his tone, strained with a certain kind of grief. “Then, I fell.”
You gape. Utterly flabbergasted. What. The. Fuck.
“And you — I — How are you not dead…?”
“Don't be stupid,” he harrumphs, as if he had not fallen from twenty meters in the air. As if he had not hit the ground, as if he had not been scared and frantic and desperate. “I would never be so pathetic as to die from something like that.”
Studying him silently, you sigh, brows drawn with worry. He lies on the ground next to you after he had gotten sick of looking down at you, and he's so close you can hear every breath he takes. He had survived, that you know. How else would he be here before you, alive and well?
Still…
“Did it hurt?”
He shrugs nonchalantly. “Only for a second.”
You roll over closer to him, and he doesn't seem to mind when you squish against his side. “So, I've been curious,” you say. “Why were you so agitated that day? Y'know, the last day I saw you before I…”
His nose scrunches.
“Oh, then?” he laughs. It is a rather hollow laugh. “Vermin who didn’t know their place decided to cause a ruckus, is all.”
You sigh, letting both the matter and your head drop. It’s obvious he will not elaborate on it further. Maybe he’ll tell you another day.
He ends his tale rather anti-climatically, brushing off his entire life as if it were simply a pain to deal with. You remain silent, apprehensive and contemplative. You had lived a whole different life, and a whole different timeline had come and gone and now, you were one of the only people in the world that remembered it still.
He takes your silence the wrong way. Looking terribly unamused, he smirks, cocking his head. “Well, what will you do now? Maybe if you beg, that meddlesome god will wipe your memories for you once more.”
“Archons, who do you think I am? If anything, this means you’re stuck with me now,” you tell him snootily, smacking his head.
It’s kind of poetic, isn’t it? That not even death could do you part? You had liked him then and you liked him now, and there’s a small part of you that thinks you would have liked him even when he was stained with hell. Perhaps one day, this like would turn into love as well.
Whatever the case, and in one way or another, he was yours now.
“You’re a moron,” he scoffs, lips quirked up into a half-smile.
You grin. “And you’re a bitch.”
(“‘m sorry I was avoiding you,” you murmur drowsily, “I didn’ mean to…”
He glances at you just as your head lolls against his side, fast asleep. His useless heart has the gall to stutter.
The both of you had talked until day breaks, and it is when the horizon is painted pink that your fatigue catches up with you. How weak, he muses, resisting the urge to poke at your cheek. To think mortals needed something as redundant as sleep.
You’d have to continue your conversation another day, then, seeing as how you were in no shape to do so now. There were still many things he had to discuss with you.
Standing, he dusts himself off, ready to head home. He looks down at you. A beat passes. Then, he huffs, lugging you onto his back.
“Don’t get the wrong idea,” he mutters under his breath. Humans were weak, especially someone like you. You’d certainly fall ill if he were to leave you alone, out in the open like this. Maybe even deathly ill. “You can’t pay your half of the rent if you’re dead.”
So, you’d owe him for this. Hmph.)
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taglist. (send an ask to be added.)
@franaby @dragontammerz @ainnofinway @sketcheeee @briluvspnk @bunniicantsleep @featuredtofu @tragedy-of-commons @parkjayssi @xiaosantenna @idontevenknow129 @bfajax @mostlymoth @thenyxsky @kiyiiaarchived @skyvella @theautisticduck @someonealreadyhadmynickname @wanderersumbrella @im-just-here-for-the-coffee
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chiprewington · 3 days
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Character Analysis on Chip Revvington, the Chainsaw Consultant.
Genuine Long Post Warning, as well as a LOT of images. This is going to cover literally everything we know about Chip and my take on what's provided In Canon (being his Cogs Ink profile, his Interview, the 1.3 News Article, and In-Game). This is my first try at an In-depth Character Analysis. Screenshots used are from the official Wiki.gg, In-Game, and from the Corporate Clash News Archive.
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Prior to being brought on to lead the Deforester Force, it's shown he's clearly a confident Suit, and has a genuine passion for his line of work as a consultant. With his personal statement alone this can be seen on full display with how he writes about himself, including noting how he's not swayed by bribery in any manner. (also the fact he outright pokes fun at one of the bribes will never not be funny to me)
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Not to mention his lack of discipline records throughout his 19 months having already worked for C.O.G.S. with his usual job as an external consultant, this plus the fact he has "positive remarks" from his previous places of work shows he's probably in very high demand and really does excel at his job.
This is also shown in his interview, where he also equally shows a lot of passion for his job and genuine interest with answering questions relating to it. Before we get into that though, I feel like it's important to also point out a couple other things that I think about a lot with his profile.
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This, being referred to as the "Temperamental Terminator" in the 1.3 trailer, and considering the average age of a Consultant is ~40+ years (and I personally hc him as 48), I think it's safe to say Chip just always was a quick-tempered individual throughout his life. It's one of his less favorable traits that I personally find charming.
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And these read to me like Chip's always been considered "scary" among other suits. His behavior isn't the issue (yet) though, he's just a massive guy who happens to have a chainsaw for a snout.
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Which. Makes this very interesting. Jennifer, stated something similar above, but I feel as if her intentions are more... unaware than the actual company's. Jennifer sees a guy with a big Chainsaw and thinks "Oh! He can cut down trees with that!" Jennifer ily. The company on the other hand probably has had this idea of what Chip could be a candidate for. They hired him to lead the Deforester Force. His job consists of him sitting in an office. Nothing relating to physical labor in cutting down trees, he just oversees the process. "Chainsaw apparatus will be helpful [...]" suddenly takes on a much darker meaning, in my mind.
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Which is how we get here. Chip being modified with a clearly experimental hardware which we all know as the Personality Override. The fact that it was only "partially successful" is a very fun thing to consider.
Note the fact that from a canon standpoint the Override was implemented "2 weeks ago". This will be important later.
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(The toon who got the above screenshots is not mine!)
Another fun side-note is the fact that the Override is experimental. It's experimental hardware. Chip is the only one with it. They are using him like a guinea pig. And not to mention "Dealing with Toons far more efficiently" paired with the above company-sourced "Chainsaw Apparatus will be useful [...]", you can't make this stuff up. They turned this guy into a living weapon likely without him knowing the full scope of what would happen if he did get this position in the first place.
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Okay. Now we can talk about his Interview. Which even through glancing at it you can see just how passionate he is regarding his work. He is driven and confident that his plans for the Deforester Force will work. He wants to believe that he'll set an example for the rest of the departments to execute a similar plan.
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And then this question comes up. And then I have to remind you it's probably been only a couple days since he's modified. And he already has rumors circulating about him.
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And the moment the subject is changed, he perks right back up into being passionate about his work.
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I also feel like it's worth mentioning the fact he's been actively requesting and wanting Spruce (who recommended him to begin with!!!) to join him in the Deforester Force and keeps being turned down on it. The way this and something else I'm about to touch on are written feels like he's barely been able to see him. These two have a brotherly bond and they're being separated. He misses his brother, man.
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That's not even getting into this. Even as I'm writing this I just realized the implications of something at the end of this and I'm going to have to pace around my house thinking about it. But also you can see that even though just the slightest amount of time has canonically passed since the interview, you can already see the toll the Override's been taking on Chip's behavior. While he was once passionate, he's now actively complaining about his job. It's not even about the job itself, it's about what's happened to him.
Not to mention, I feel it also displays his temper in full swing once again- even if he's justified in this sense.
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I also need to pay special mind to this ending bit right here because the implication of this with everything else surrounding it fucking broke me. uugghhhhh.
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Now this is something I feel is so, so, so important to his character. He actively does not like toons. He clearly shows a certain disgust for them and views them like Animals. Pests. He doesn't hesitate to proudly state his opinion on them. And then you see him in-game.
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He hasn't changed his mind about toons at all. Ignoring the fact that "you critters again" insinuates this isn't even his first contact with toons (will get to this later), he's... Restrained. I don't know, this reads to me like he's actively restraining himself from blowing up. "You don't want to see what happens when I get angry." is a warning to just comply and leave.
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And then because he doesn't remember he fired the rest of the Deforester Force (another thing I want to touch on), he actively gets upset and angry at the remaining flunky because of course someone as high-rank as himself wouldn't want a Flunky on such an important team. Once again, additionally showing his active temper. His active temper he just tried to restrain and bottle up.
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And that's what breaks the camel's back. The Override most likely activates from excessive anger/distress, something that Chip Actively Struggles With. He has to bottle himself up because if he tries to be his usual hot-tempered self, which is who he naturally is, he's just going to lose himself. Lose himself to cog knows how long as being a lifeless machine that perfectly and efficiently complies with the commands its given.
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He begs for help when he's able to partially regain control (emphasis on partially, considering the most he can do is speak and prevent Deadwood from happening), but like. Again, to me this reads as the fact he is currently Incredibly Fucking Terrified because he's completely aware the whole time the Override is active. He can see himself acting against his will. It's mortifying. He's willing to beg anyone for help because the Override is genuinely traumatizing for him.
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Which makes this all the more harrowing. He can't keep the Override at bay forever (likely the only reason why he partially regained control is from the sheer amount of pain he put himself in by ripping out one of his bulbs. You can see him brace himself and wince when that happens). Once again, "save yourselves" in this context feels more like he's scared. He's terrified. Because the Override sucks. And the implication of "ALL RAM CLEARED" doesn't leave much room to assume anything other than the Override likely clears out Chip's memories in order to make more processing room for this janky hardware to run at a constant overclocked state. I wonder how much of Chip's memories have been removed because of that thing, honestly.
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By the way did you know that a normal chainsaw runs an average of 12,000 RPM. Do you think about how the little RPM icon is his saw smoking as if it's overheating. What the hell is the Override doing to him internally.
Another added touch I think about a lot is how his battle as a whole is, for the most part, very predictable. You control what cheats he does. Even in technical battle terms, everything is out of Chip's control. As long as every gag hits, you're really just manipulating an enemy's AI to to make the most optimal choices to your benefit. The Override perceives "X", and responds with "Y". You're not fighting an actual individual, just a program.
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Clearly, whatever it's doing to him, it's painful (not mentioning the agonizing scream he lets out during this). And thank Cog he was able to regain control at the last second because it's way too obvious that the Override's "final fallback procedure" likely involved some kind of lethal force when it lunges at the toons. (The Chainsaw Apparatus will be helpful.)
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There's no sorrow in Chip's words, that's what I think. Everything here is bitter. It's numb, to me.
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He's clearly been through this song and dance multiple times by now. He's pissed at the toons, at the company, and at himself. But he can't properly let it out. You know what will happen if he does. The most he can do is throw a chair and scream into the air. (which that line gets its own custom voice clip, fun fact!)
It's clear he's been isolated ever since he's been upgraded, and it seems like he's bitterly accepted it. The only thing he has left to lose is Spruce, which is why he tells the toons not to tell him. If he loses Spruce...
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I don't think he'd have much left. It'd make sense why he's grown so restrained and numb and stilted in his speech. He's quickly grown to learn that he can't let himself express anymore, all because of the override.
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The fact that everyone else around him views him poorly doesn't help. His employees fear him. Most of them probably don't realize something is wrong, spread rumors about him, or outright attack him through hatemail. Written in Cipher.
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"Chip has some anger issues. I would be careful around him. Don't worry about the Cogs though, I'm sure they'll be fine. Might get demoted back to their initial tier, but that's what happens when you work with Chip. Good thing that Toons can't get fired-- or wait, they can, can't they? Do Toons LIKE getting fired? I will never understand those animals. And you seen Spruce around lately? I haven't. I wonder how his deforesting expedition is going. There is a secret message up ahead in Chip's room. Can you find it? If you are stuck, have you considered looking around your surroundings?"
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"I can't stand Chip anymore. I know I'm a Yesman, but I have to say NO. He used to be cool up until his sensors flared off. After what he did to my fellow coworker, I don't know if I can continue working under him. Sure, he's one of the most organized managers I've ever worked with, not to mention the flowing passion he has for the Deforester Force. His personality issues can single-handedly cause all of our projects to collapse. One of my former coworkers had raised concerns about Toons taking over our buildings and ultimately undoing all work that was done on our end. That poor Pencil Pusher overstepped his boundaries with Chip when he admitted his failure to secure "our" project from the Toons. Up until this point, I have never seen a Cog fire another Cog. With a cannon."
"It grinded my gears when I saw that happen. Him and I worked nonstop for days straight, while this pile of bolts just sat there doing his paperwork. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just doing crossword puzzles or writing letters to his little buddy. If you are reading this Mr. Revvington, you are the reason for our decline. We are running out of Deforester Force members because of you. As someone who has gone through close-call battles with the Toons, I hope you experience what it's like to have boulders and anvils fall from above you. You can try to fire me with that shoddy cannon of yours, but you would have to track me down first. I've already left the area and was recruited to a new organization far more stable than you will ever be."
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...I genuinely love Mr. Revvington. He's a Suit who's been dealt the worst hand he could possibly ever get in life. He was just like anyone else, and then everything happened ever since joining C.O.G.S.. He's isolated, he's temperamental, he's pissy, he'd genuinely be someone hard to get along with because of the fact he's struggling with all sorts of issues and would be incredibly difficult and annoying to even start talking to and forming a bond with unless you're both stubborn and have patience. He's awful, and I love him for it.
I genuinely believe he's one of the most complex, beautifully written, and depressing characters in Corporate Clash. Maybe I dive way too deep into things about him, maybe he's not that deep at all. But I like to think about him. He makes me emotional, but he also makes me happy. Thank you for making him exist.
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mysticheathenn · 3 days
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What Is Your Next Tower Moment?
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Hi, Hexlings!
This pick-a-card reading is for my Patreon All Tiers. This pick-a-card reading is all about what chaos will the universe (God, Allah, etc) bring to shake up your world to bring in change.
This is a general reading, remember to take what resonates and leave what does not. This reading does not supplement your need to seek professional help. Tarot should be used as entertainment and not a for sure answer to your problems but as a guide, a sense of hope, and amusement.
Take your time when choosing your pile. Ask yourself the question and choose the picture that you can’t stop looking at. Listen to your intuition.
Extended Patreon Includes:
Why Is this Happening?
What outcome can this tower moment bring?
Extra Messages
MasterList
Patreon Link
Ko-Fi Donations
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Pile l:
What is Your Next Tower Moment? Tarot: 10 of Swords, 8 of Wands (reversed), Judgement, The Tower, The High Priestess (reversed)
Endings. There is something in your life pile l that you keep ignoring your intuition that is causing you displeasure, pain, unhappiness, etc that you are taking your very sweet slow time in trying to correct or remove this issue from your life. This could be a dead-end relationship, a job, your living situation, etc. Overall you are in a toxic environment and I feel you have been given so many chances to try and correct, end, or do something with this situation and you keep ignoring your intuition to the point the universe and spirit guides are starting to get a bit frustrated because they want better for you. They are close to taking matters into their own hands and literally rocking your world if you do not take care of this situation yourself in a timely manner. For those who are in a relationship that is either dead or toxic the quote that came to me "Never let someone tell you they don't want you twice." That "twice" is going to be the universe stepping in to cause a situation they know you can no longer overlook to end things. This doesn't have to be a relationship, this could be a job, even school. Some of you I feel are in a major that you don't want to do anymore or at a school you no longer want to be at but because it's cheaper, your friends are there, it's close to home, etc you decide to keep attending. Patreon Post Link
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Pile ll:
What is Your Next Tower Moment? Tarot: 8 of Wands (reversed), 10 of Cups (reversed), The Fool, Ace of Cups, 6 of Wands
"What you want is on the other side of fear." - Will Smith. At first pile ll I was a bit confused because you have nothing but successful cards that came out for you. 8 of cups is all about rapid movement, Ace & 10 of cups is all about varied fulfillment (emotional, financial, etc), The fool new beginnings, and 6 of wands is the victory card...so why the long face in this reading you may ask and I believe there are quite a few of you that may have resonated from my previous reading "Where does your life require focus". You may have chosen pile ll or pile lll maybe even a part of pile lV but mostly pile ll and lll where I discussed acting on and believing in your goals, dreams, and etc. This is also your tower moment where the universe/your spirit team are ready to push you from the nest whether you are "ready" or not. Ready or Not by The Fugees is playing in my head. It's the chorus part:
"Ready or not, here I come, you can't hide Gonna find you and take it slowly Ready or not, here I come, you can't hide Gonna find you and make you want me"
They are tired of you wanting to do things when you are ready. The time is now to act on your visions, goals, and dreams. "If you never start you will never act." "There is never a right time." So many quotes are coming in for you pile ll and I think you know all of this but yet there is still no movement on your part. It's as if you hear and see things that encourage and remind you to take the jump and you get inspired but then never act on the things you are being called to do. It's getting to the point where some of you are getting annoyed because you can't escape these messages...well here we are again love. So sorry to be the one to do this to you as well to remind you to just jump. This is very specific for a few of you but you do not need to have an aesthetically pleasing place to live to shoot videos, nor do you need a billion dollars to start. You have everything you need just use the resources you have and start. Patreon Post Link
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Pile lll:
What is Your Next Tower Moment? Tarot: 3 of Pentacles, 2 of Swords, Five of Wands (reversed), 10 of Pentacles (Reversed), 10 of Cups
Avoidance. Loss. This is my passive-aggressive pile. Some of you may hate dealing with confrontation and deal with things either passively-aggressively or just sweep things underneath the rug to keep the "peace." Unfortunately for you pile lll you will no longer be able to keep doing what you are doing. The blindfolds are coming off and you will have to deal with your circumstances one way or another. For some of you, this has to do with finances, I'm hearing you letting someone borrow money and they fail to pay you back or even you failing to keep a budget and overspending because you are constantly treating yourself and/or filling the hole in your life with things and not addressing the real issue. For others of you this is more so about the people around you that is causing you to feel this intermoil. You keep turning a blind eye to everything they are doing and not holding people accountable for their actions even when they are hurting you and others around you. The Ace of Cups card is a cup that has a hand and a cup that is overflowing with love, fulfillment, and peace but instead of that for you it's as if you are constantly always overflowing with chances, don't worry about it, I'm fine, etc. It's getting to the point where your cup is about to run dry on the behaviors of others around you and even yourself when it comes to your financial situation. This may be really specific for a few of you but stop letting other people stop your bag. For some of you, this is your management team at your job, family, friends, etc. Someone could be stopping your bag because of horrible scheduling at work, you not wanting to be around certain people so you keep the peace knowing management is trash, whatever the reasoning is you are taking a financial loss by allowing others to constantly walk all over you. Some of you are keeping the peace because you want a promotion, raise, etc when really you are taking a loss emotionally, financially, etc. Patreon Post Link
Thank you for liking and reblogging my readings. I always appreciate you guys on here and on Patreon.
Stay safe and be blessed
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equinelifecountry · 3 days
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Drowning
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Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, anxiety. torcher, blood (If missed anything lmk) Description: realizing that she was never enough for him and deciding the world might just be better without her in it
part 2
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The clashing of metal singings throughout the top of the mountains being carried off with the wind. Sweat beads on my brow my labor breath is becoming louder by the passing minute I lift my sword again towards the right missing the target that was Infront of me the big Illyrian, the general of the powerful Night Court armies the smirk forming on his makes me want to slap it right off. "Oh, come on y/n I know you're better than that." he swiftly movies and swings his blade at me I dodged it just in time dropping down to the ground swing my legs and knocking him off his feet flat on his back I jumped up and just my foot on his chest with pressure and pointing the blade of my sword at his throat "Yes I know I am." I smirk matching his that claimed his face just moments ago.
It has been just over 3 years since the war against the King of Hybern I just shortly after the war was won so much has changed with my found family and with the new additions to the family the Archeron sister, bless the mother for bringing us Feyre bringing her to Rhysand. I am beyond happy that he has found his mate, his other half that makes him whole. I see from the beginning that day we went to their mansion to ask to host the mortal queens to talk that the tension with Cassian and Nesta was going to lead to something more those two were cut from the same cloth what more than the perfect match the Lord of Bloodshed and Lady Death herself. I can't forget about sweet Elain, the way that Azriel looked at her like she was the reason for him to breath and her deep brown eyes seem to lighten looking up at him, it was kind of cliche in a way the darkness and the lightness meets and blends so well together.
I remember when Azriel went into the middle of the enemies camp to rescue Elain even though he could of easily of been killed and that day before the last battle he gave her truth teller. I sat stood across the way putting on my leather and armor when I caught the seen unfold something cracked in my chest, since the day that Nesta and Elain was thrown into the cauldron Azriel always kept a close eye and helping hand to Elain, I could tell from the way he looked at her that it was much more than just being a good friend helping our High Lady's sister adjust to High Fae life he was falling for her, first it was Mor he was pinned over her for the longest time that never seen to bothered me to much. Mor confined in me about her love for other women so I knew nothing was ever going to help between her and Azriel but that still never eased the hurt I felt the way he looked and acted with her. I don't know why I thought there was ever going to be a chance of me and Azriel becoming something more all he sees is the poor broken female hung between those trees deep in the cold forest bleeding pouring form the wounds on her back forming a pool of blood under her feet.
I shook my head trying to shake the memories away grinning again I held out my hand to Cassian he reached up and I helped him back up on his feet. "oh its good to have you back y/n!" he slung and arm around my shoulders and we made our way back down the stairs towards the dinning room. "You never leave us like that again, got it?" I side eyed him "I just needed some space Cass." I signed "To many things happened during the war and everything else going on it was just to much mentally..." Cassian stopped and turned me to face him he had a worried look on his face "I know you do not like to talk about things much but I hope you know that you have me.. you have all of us if you need someone to talk to about thing.." he paused and put a hand on my forearm "I mean it." I just looked at him gave him a small smile and nodded he just did the same.
We walked in silence the rest of the way to the dining room has we walked through the doors a glanced up at the large table sat in the middle of the room there he was and so with everyone else, i mean everyone. Cassian made is way over to Nesta and planted a kiss on her forehead and sat down I stayed in the doorway just staring at everyone. "Come join us y/n." I shifted my eyes toward Rhysand who was looking at me with is smirk he always seems to wear. "It has been far too long since we had everyone for a family dinner." I swallowed hard and blinked everyone now was staring at me waiting for me to come and sit was them or just waiting for a reply. I avoided looking in the direction and the shadow singer and the lovely flower that stay by him I turned and locked my eyes with Rhys "I'm sorry but I think I'm going to have to pass tonight, I am just far too exhausted" he gave me a worried look the same has Cassian did in the hall I felt him trying to break through my mental walls I just shut him out and gave a weak smile and turned to head back up to my room feeling a heavy stare on my back that sent shivers running down my spine.
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yan-batgirl · 2 days
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Hii!❤️🖤
This is my first request ever, and sorry if it's not really something you feel like writing, but I really live your writing style and I think that you write the boys the best! (And this thoughts been eating away at my brain for a bit)
So what if the bat's take in a little reader who seems super innocent and she (it doesn't have to be a she if ya don't want) has Deadpool's healing abilities. Like she just casually gets a limb cut off in a fight trying to protect one of the boys and she acts like nothing really is wrong- or she gets shot in the head and sits up a minute later and straight up laughs seeing everyone's sheer panic because she has the same mindset as a gremlin wanting to thrive in the chaos. Do ya think the boys will let her go on missions with them due to her not being able to die? Or will they try (and probably fail) to lock her away in the manor for her own good?
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Warnings: Yandere, manipulation, a little bit of blood, accidentally hurting someone, using powers for the wrong people
Spoilers for my original Batgirl story!
After your father was banished and your mother imprisoned, you were now under the roof of the League of Assassins, living with Lady Shiva. Throughout your life, you've been treated like an outcast by basically everyone at that exact area she had to spend your childhood at.
During those times, something felt strange about you.
Whenever one of the assassins came back injured, you curiously stepped forward them and placed your hand onto their wound. The next second, it was gone. The wound.
The next thing happening is you being in the medical bay, in the room full of injured assassins.
One of them told you to touch an injured assassin with a damaged leg. You were hesitant, but you were forced to step forward and place your hand onto the leg. The next second, it was healed.
You were then tested to see what kind of symptoms you have, and the results turned out that you have the ability to heal any kind of injury once you touch it.
Every time when an injured assassin comes back from a job, Shiva would make you stop what you are doing and quickly place your hand on that bloody part of their body, disgusting or not.
However, there are some side effects to your special abilities.
Each time you heal a person, your energy will decrease rapidly, which means you can't heal more and more people.
Eventually, you grew of being used like this. So, you decided to run away.
It was basically a risk of your life, but you eventually made it out of the city of 'Eth Alth'eban and tried to find yourself a new home.
As soon as you landed in Gotham City, you were basically trying to hide yourself from the world. You tried hiding yourself in various abandoned buildings, alleyways, etc.
Until you found a tall figure looming over your crouched form.
"Are you alright?"
The deep voice asks as he reaches out to you, which makes you jolt away and hide behind some trash bags.
However, the figure pulled your small frame out of your hiding spot and held you like an injured kitten.
"It seems that you've been out here for quite a long time. Come on, let me bring you home."
He tells you before he walks off with you, shaking in his arms as he makes a call.
"Alfred, bring everyone back at the manor. We finally found her."
~~~~~
I'm sorry if this was too short!
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oxymorayuri · 1 day
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❞𝐍𝐨 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬❝
Part six
If you haven't read the first part yet, you can find it here or the overview. ♡♡♡
✦ Pairing: Portgas D. Ace x Reader ✦ Warnings: language, !S.A.! Mainly noises, no exact description of the process, mature content ✦ Spoiler: none
wordcount: 5678
tagging: @lazyninjatheorist - @sassyyassi - @cottoncandyloverrrr - @littleleelee
! ᴍᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ !
ᴍɪɴᴏʀꜱ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛ
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𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐓: yanfenguo_gao
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"Travelling around like ordinary people is a really good thing…" You look over to Ace as he licks his ice cream happily.
Together you walk around the passenger ship. You were lucky to get the last two tickets and now it will be a whole day before you arrive at your destination… Dressrosa.
Even though you are happily licking your ice cream, your eyes are looking around attentively. You may not be on Dressrosa yet, but you're already at work.
"It definitely has its benefits, but I suggest you keep your eyes open Ace…" You stop at the railing and look down from the second floor to the lower deck and watch the people.
You count them and try to separate who you've already seen. Fortunately, with so few people, it's quite clear and in the back of your mind you try to spot any suspicious people.
So far, you've only been able to count 16 people who look like typical travelers. Families gathered on the lower level to watch the fish in the sea or couples strolling across the deck, gazing at the open sea. At the thought, your gaze wanders to the side, to Ace, who is still busy with his ice cream. A reluctant grin forms on your lips as you watch him.
With the ice cream in your hands, you really do look like a normal couple. You don't really know why that makes you smile, after all, that's the plan…
"Hey Ace, let me see the tickets. I'd like to see where our cabin is." He looks at you, a little dumbfounded.
"Cabin?" He reaches into his trouser pocket with one free hand and hands you the tickets.
"Yes, the trip to Dressrosa takes about a day, what did you think?" - "I don't know, I didn't think it would take that long. With the Moby Dick we'd easily be there in five hours…" he remarks while he's busy with his ice cream.
You can't help giggling and shake your head.
"The Moby Dick is a completely different story compared to a ferry." You lean back against the railing and look up at Ace.
"This is a ship for travelers." You watch him stuff the last bit of his waffle into his mouth, while you still have some of your last scoop left and he looks down at you confused.
"We're travelers on the Moby Dick too. I don't see the difference." You look dreamily at the people below you. It's true that you pirates are just travelers too. Travelers in a different way… But on your downward missions you also enjoyed the simple life. Between all the spying, you still had time to enjoy the area, after all, that's part of your facade… And who knows what you'll hear and see around the next corner…
You once sat down in the casino for fun, to strip the spoiled rich. The evening was promising. Gosh, some men are so easy to influence. First you got them to bet more with your seductive manner. Then you challenged them, questioned their wealth and flirted with them. These men have nothing more to do than brag about their money and show off.
How boring... but good for you, because you always win. Not in an honest way, of course, but you sit down at the table with the intention of cheating, so at least you're being honest with yourself. But that evening there was someone at the table who, although he had lost some money, had won something new.
Interest.
He invited you into the private area of the casino, without knowing that you were actually his employee. Crocodile had his eye on you and your cunning manner and wanted to show you that it didn't hurt him one bit, that you had won a handsome amount of money from him.
What he didn't know was that you were already working for him but in a wig, of course.
When you steal from people, you rarely do it as the person you're 'pretending' to be, so you went into your boss's casino with your natural hair. Starting as a guest and ended up in the VIP area by Crocodile's side; It can be that easy...
Crocodile has been a very generous man and even if you hardly want to admit it, you kind of enjoyed it.
He has a very charismatic demeanor and is a sharp businessman. You had a few things in common and the atmosphere was quite pleasant. Being with him made you feel different but in the back of your mind you always remembered that he was your enemy. But the feeling of leading this double life was thrilling.
Of course, as the owner of the casino, lots of interesting people wanted to talk to him. How foolish. Things are discussed in front of you, that a stranger shouldn't hear, but Crocodile was too busy having you by his side as a fancy accessory.
"Hey y/n take a look at these guys."
Ace voice pulls you out of your memory... you don't even know how you got there but it doesn't matter anymore. Your eyes wander to the men Ace is pointing at. Rolling your eyes, you take Ace's arm down.
"Don't point at them like that. If they look up, they'll notice us." You say calmly to him. You look after the men as they disappear from your field of vision and even when you lean over the railing you can no longer see them. You curse slightly to yourself.
"They're gone." Ace mumbles as he does the same and leans over the railing. At the same time, you look each other in the eye and nod.
Without another word, you both head down to the lower floor and try to track down the suspicious figures. Compared to a map of the ship and which way they were going, they must have walked to the private cabins.
The chances are slim, but you won't let any opportunity pass by. You walk along the corridor with quick but silent steps until you reach the end and find yourself in a circular lobby with several rooms. But no sign of the men.
"Hm, we seem to have lost them…" Ace put his hands on his hips and looked at one door after the other. Just before you were about to turn around, one of the doors opened and the shady gentlemen stepped out of the door with two women.
You quickly throw yourself at Ace and lead him to a door nearby so that you don't look suspicious.
You giggle at Ace in a somewhat drunken voice.
"Darliiiiiiing.. don't tell me you left the key at the bar again…" a little surprised, he caught you and looked at the men and immediately understood what was going on. He pulled you closer to him with one arm and searched for the imaginary keys in his pockets as the men walked past you.
"Sorry my love, I was just so lost in your eyes that I forgot them there…" You chuckle lovingly as you wrap your arms around his neck to give him a kiss. You had only meant to make it look like a kiss on the lips, but Ace pulled you towards him so that your kiss landed directly on his mouth.
A little startled, you wanted to push away from him but Ace stopped you by holding your face and whispering a grinning 'play along' on your lips. You realize that it would be conspicuous if you ended your kiss abruptly, but you can't shake the feeling that Ace is shamelessly taking advantage of the situation.
For a brief moment they give you a few glances but they're obviously buying the act.
When they have passed, you break away from Ace and return to a normal stance but speak in your sugary sweet voice.
"Aww honey, then let's go back to the bar and have another drink!" You look at Ace and nod in the men's direction to make it clear that you're following them now.
Together you chase after the four people. At one point, one of the women turns around and you quickly latch onto Ace, gazing up at him lovingly to avoid looking dubious.
As you expected, Ace played along wonderfully. He put his arm around your shoulder and paid attention only to you as if no one else was around you. He even went a step further and gave you a sweet Eskimo kiss with his nose. His teasing grin may be cute on the outside but you can see his real smirk behind it. He's enjoying being close to you for the sake of the show and you immediately blush…
"Look forward and don't fall behind, you stupid bitch." Somewhat roughly, one of the men grabbed the woman by the shoulder and pulled her towards him. You couldn't help but notice the look on her face. A hopeless look.
When their backs are turned to you again, you look at them with skepticism. The gentlemen are well dressed, but you can see a small tattoo on the neck of one of them… Where have you seen this tattoo before? It looks familiar…
The ladies are dolled up like slutty escorts, don't speak a word and are downright terrified. You know what that means and that is, that you need to find out more about them.
At the bar of the restaurant, you watch the small group eating from a safe distance. The women were so frightened that they hardly ate anything or looked up from their plates…
You grit your teeth and turn to Ace.
"This is going to be trickier than I thought. So far they've only talked about unimportant things…" - " Then we'll have to get in touch with the women somehow…" he observes the women with slightly narrowed eyes. It's clear to you that these people play an important role when it comes to your mission.
You rummage for something in your handbag.
"Good idea Ace... the men don't seem stupid enough to talk in public but we can work this out." The black haired man leans towards you while holding onto his drink with one hand.
"What do we do now?" You already have a rough idea, you know that no matter where the women go, they will be watched, but there is one place where they will be alone for a brief moment. The toilet.
You ask the bartender for a pen and paper and write down a few words, folding the paper several times.
"Watch and learn." You lean forward towards Ace and smile at him with a confident wink.
You take one last sip from your glass and slide off the bar stool to go to the toilets. Luckily, the suspects are sitting right on the way there and you fall in a dramatic and skilled fashion, right next to the one woman. You try to hold on to the table but you knock her glass down with you. With flushed cheeks, you look up at her and grab her by the arm to apologize profusely.
You put some money on the table for the spilled drink and take one of her hands and again you apologize sincerely to her while you press your note into her hand under the table.
The gentlemen watch attentively as you place her glass but say nothing and just look you up and down.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed your meal, have a nice day!" and embarrassed, you scurry down the corridor to the toilets.
Behind the door of the ladies room, your embarrassed expression disappears immediately and you head straight for the first toilet to carry out the second part of your plan.
You write a few words on another piece of paper, but this time you write more. You have to hurry because you don't have much time. Their plates are almost empty and when they leave the restaurant there won't be another chance.
Hastily you write the last words in a sloppy handwriting and fold the paper up again. You take one of the spy buds out of your handbag and tape it together with the note to the lid of the toilet. Then you leave the lid up so that nobody will see it…
In the meantime, Ace watches as the woman carefully read the note you gave her under the table. Without looking at it, she hides the note in her nylons.
When you came out of the bathroom and sat down next to Ace, you heard her say that she needed to use the toilet and one of the men wiped his mouth in annoyance.
"You women are annoying, I'll be glad when this job is done…"
"Get up and go ahead," he said as he stood up as well.
They both disappeared in the direction of the ladies room and, as you assumed, the guy didn't even have the shame to wait outside. He went into the restroom with her, but you know it's unlikely he'll go into the stall with her.
You turn your back to the remaining people and swirl your glass.
"What kind of performance was that? That was awesome and absolutely natural!" Ace is visibly surprised by your little act.
"That's a piece of cake." - "A piece of cake?! Even I thought you fell down for real y/n… that was incredible." With a proud grin, you clink glasses with each other.
"Now we just have to wait and see if she plays along." - "I believe she does. She hid your note in her tights, I think she definitely doesn't want to be there."
Your gaze wanders to the side but you don't answer him. Even if she wants to cooperate, you won't be able to help her. If you help her escape, it could cause trouble and endanger the actual mission.
Your goal is not to be a hero, but to play an informant. Just like for those men there, she's just a mere tool for your own benefit… You feel a little sick to yourself, you know what's waiting for these girls in the end and you don't wish it on anyone, but either you bring Doflamingo down and stop this slave trade completely, or you save two girls and get caught.
You have to make that decision. You're not proud of it but honestly it's never been hard for you because you know that the actual goal would help a lot more people.
Also, if you are exposed, then people will keep an eye on the Whitebeard pirates and that would be unfortunate for you…
You don't even notice how you're biting your lip the whole time. It's a little habit of yours, especially when you're deep in thought.
"What are you thinking about?" It doesn't go unnoticed how you chew your bottom lip. Amused, he nudges you with his elbow as you still don't react. A little startled, you look up at him and blush as you stare into his eyes. Ace sitting next to you while you're on a mission is still strange. You're used to being alone and having Ace as your partner doesn't make it any better…
"Just that you might be right." You look ahead. You keep your true thoughts to yourself for now.
"Really?" A little too happy for your taste, Ace smiles to himself as he looks into his glass.
"Tell me, what did you write on the note?" - "On the first one, that if she's in danger, she should go to the bathroom. I left her another message in the first stall…" You carefully take the second earphone out of your pocket and hold it up to Ace's face. He raises his eyebrow a little as though he can't fully understand.
"I offered her a deal." You pause for a moment, secretly knowing you won't keep this deal. It's all for the bigger picture, you keep telling yourself.
"If she makes the deal, we'll be able to eavesdrop on them later when they're in their private rooms." You play with the earphone between your fingers like it's a marble. It makes click in Ace's head and he gets the idea.
"That's perfect! Sooner or later they'll talk!" Ace is clearly looking overjoyed, as if the job is already done.
"Not quite yet… When they leave, I'll see what kind of answer she leaves me…" You nod toward the restrooms and Ace nods in agreement. Chances are good, but inside you're preparing a plan B.
After a while, as your possible accomplice came back out of the restroom with the other man, all four of them left the restaurant.
The moment of truth has arrived. Will she play along?
You wait a moment until they are out of sight and get up.
"Pay the bill… after I get back we should head to our room." Ace nods at you and calls the bartender over.
Your heart is pounding as you open the door to the stall. Will you have an easy game or will you have to come up with a new plan?
You briefly squint your eyes as you close the door behind you. For a moment, you hesitate before looking at her answer.
If she goes along with it, she should flush your letter down the toilet and put the earphone in. If not, she should tear up your letter and throw it in the bin.
You hold your breath without realizing as you open the trash can... There is no letter in there.
Satisfied, you exhale. She is playing along.
You quickly make your way back to Ace, who is still waiting for you at the bar. He looks at you intensely as if he wants to read the answer from your face.
"And?"
"Let's go into our room and discuss everything else."
As soon as you arrive in your room, you get everything ready.
You place a Den Den Mushi on a table and plug in your one earphone. You flick a few switches on the snail so that their voices can be heard aloud but no one can hear you. You don't want her to hear what you say or find out who you are. A name alone would be already bad... If the men discover the earpiece, the risk of her talking is too high. The less she knows about you, the better.
Ace watched you connect the equipment, as if you had done it thousands of times before and sat down on the bed.
When you're done, you drop down next to him on the bed and stare at the speaker. For a while you stare at the snail as it plays the voices of the men. So far the conversations have been meaningless, but you are aware that this can take a while. They probably won't talk while the women are awake.
The silence is interrupted when Ace's stomach makes itself heard. Embarrassed, he grips the back of his neck and mumbles a quiet 'sorry'. The blush on his face makes you giggle because he's really adorable whenever he's embarrassed.
You think for a moment... It would also do you some good to eat, so you crawl to the other side of the bed, because there was a phone on the nightstand. Ace's eyes follow you discreetly as you reach across the bed. His gaze travels up your long legs to your ass.
Oh, how he would love to grab you by the hips and push your dress up so he could look at your ass. Your lovely curves shimmer slightly through your dress, but he pulls himself together and banishes his desires.
Now is not the right time and he doesn't want to mess things up with you. The day will come when you belong to him, he will make sure of that, but he knows how important this mission is to you. He knows how much you enjoy your job and, above all, how well you do it.
Your voice brings him out of his thoughts and the only thing he catches is you saying goodbye and putting the phone down.
"The food should be here in half an hour, I hope your stomach can hold out until then." You plop down next to him again and lean over to him with a broad smirk.
At first he seemed a little surprised, but this expression quickly changed on his face and his lips curled into a mischievous grin instead.
"Maybe you could distract me a little…" His voice is so seductive and low… you suddenly get quite warm and open your mouth but no words come out. Should you go along and take it to the extreme or should you break the atmosphere?
You think of Marco's words; you shouldn't deepen these feelings, they lead to nothing.
But the desire is great. Unconsciously, you lean further forward and look at him with innocent eyes.
"What would you like?" You won't grant him that he's the one in control. Let him tell you about his fantasies… Maybe you'll like it? You don't have to do it, but hearing it will be good for your self esteem.
He exhales with a small laugh and looks down.
His fingers search for a bare spot on your body and you allow him to caress your thigh.
Just as he was about to open his mouth, you hear the men through the Den Den Mushi.
"When are we meeting with the guy tomorrow?" Your eyes shoot over to the snail and both of you are completely back to work. You reach for your notebook, it could be getting interesting now.
You interlace your fingers and listen attentively to their conversation.
"He said we should come straight to the moulin rouge to deliver the goods." - "Okay, very good." A short pause follows and you write down the name. Moulin rouge… writing it down you add 'address' with a question mark. You assume it's a brothel or something similar, but Dressrosa is big…
"Tell me Johnny, why don't we test the 'goods' before we deliver them?" Your stomach is churning, you sense something bad.
A dirty laugh sounds through the speaker, followed by desperate screams from the women. With contorted faces, you listen to the panicked and tormented cries until Ace decides to turn off the snail.
"I'm sorry y/n but one more second and I'll break down their door…" Ace clenches his fists, he's about to storm off but you get up and grab his hands to calm him down.
"Yeah yeah, I know… but we'll make sure everyone gets free…" As long as they're not already sold to a rich buyer... but you won't let Ace know that.
At your gentle voice, Ace's body begins to relax and his jaw unclenches. You can understand him, it was cruel to listen to. Even though you would have liked to know more than just a name, you could no longer listen to these desperate cries. You were only a second away and then you would have turned off the Den Den Mushi yourself.
After the food was brought to you, you worked on a few notes you had made about the day. You've added questions that you hope will be answered on the mission, something that helps you keep track of things, and without you realizing it, Ace looks over your shoulder as he stuffs his face with food.
"Aren't you hungry at all?" he remarks as he looks at your barely touched plate.
You literally wake up from your work mode and find yourself in a room with Ace. He recognizes your slight confusion and looks at your plate. You look at your plate a little slowly and your stomach turns immediately, feeling starved.
"Ah yes, you're right…" You put the notes aside and start eating.
Ace joins you at the small table and you eat together while you talk about all sorts of things. Ace almost glows as he talks about his brothers and their adventures. With your chin in your hand, you listen to him attentively. You enjoy this carefree moment with Ace.
"Tell me y/n what happened before the Whitebeard pirates? Where's your family?" You lean back in your chair with a somewhat troubled look on your face. You don't like talking about the time before the Whitebeard Pirates… For you, your life started when you followed Whitebeard.
Ace doesn't miss the change and seems a little panicked as he assures you that you don't have to tell him. That's exactly why you don't want to get involved with Ace. The closer the bond, the more you confide in him.
So far, all you've experienced is separation and a feeling of vulnerability. You've shown them your weak side and that's what you want to avoid now.
"It's okay… It's just that I don't like talking about it…" You look up at him a little uncertainly.
"And you don't have to, I promise. I don't want to pressure you into anything." His eyes seem honest and you believe him without hesitation.
"You'd better tell me why Whitebeard adores you so much… I can understand why, but he really does treat you like his own daughter." You grin to yourself. You don't know exactly either.
"I really have no clue…" You yawn a little, it's already quite late.
"We should go to bed, the ship docks tomorrow morning and we have to get the other earbud before we dock, which means we have to get up early." - "Ah yes, that's right, the woman has the other earphone…"
You disappear into the bathroom with your sleeping clothes to change and get ready for bed. When you came back into the room, you saw Ace about to go to bed. In just his undershorts...
With his back leaning against the headboard, he covered himself with a blanket while his whole upper body was exposed. Putting his arms behind his head, he smiled at you mockingly.
"Are you coming to bed my love?" You roll your eyes and get under the covers.
"Stop messing around Ace. There's no one here we have to fool." You lie down with your back to Ace and try to sleep. From the side, you hear Ace's little sigh and you notice him lying down.
"I'm not messing around…" His hands reach out to pull you close to him and he buries his face in your hair.
Your body tenses but you don't feel able to fight back and let Ace embrace you.
"I'm sorry y/n but you always smell so good. Your smell drives me crazy…" His hand wanders under your shirt and he gently strokes your skin.
Even if he had planned not to get too close to you, he can't resist his desire to touch you. These feelings just keep building up as soon as you're within reach. Without much thought, he enjoys the feeling of your skin as he runs his hand over your curves.
"Your skin is so smooth like a sweet peach, it makes me addicted." His lips are right by your ear as he whispers the words in a voice filled with pleasure. His raspy voice gives you chills and without you being able to stop it, your body moves to match his gentle touch.
"Ace please, stop…" The way you're grinding your ass against him, doesn't make you look like you want him to stop.
His skillful hands move carefully from your thighs up to your breasts and he gently begins to knead them. Tender sounds escaped your lips as Ace began to tug slowly on your already hard nipple. He began to feast on your neck and placed countless kisses, causing you to arch your back.
"Are you sure you want me to stop?"
You suck in the air a little shakily. How can a kiss be so intense? But you can't give in. You have to hold your ground.
"Yes… Please… Please stop…" Your voice is almost pleading, but the excitement is hard to ignore.
"What if I don't stop?" His hand moves further down, towards your underwear.
Yeah, then what? You ask yourself but you do nothing... His finger plays with the thin band of your slip and lets the rubber snap against your sensitive skin.
Fingertips disappear lightly under your underwear and brush over your skin without going directly between your already drenched folds.
"Mhhm… y/n you make me so hard…" It was a mistake to share a cabin with him, if this continues Ace will have you in the palm of his hand. His soft moans drive you crazy. How do you get out of this situation?
"Ace, this is not a good idea…" You try to talk some sense into him while you enjoy his touch with your eyes closed.
"What's not a good idea?" - "If we sleep together…" Ace's erection against your back increases your desire, to get on top of him and let him fuck you all night. You can almost feel it, the sensation of his magnificent piece filling your greedy pussy…
You shamelessly move your butt up and down and rub his dick, to which Ace reacts with a satisfied moan. He grabs your thigh a little roughly and pushes you closer to him so that his cock presses between your butt cheeks.
His massive boner feels like it's about to pop out of his underpants and you would love to suck his life out of him. Automatically, the saliva gathers in your mouth…
After you had sex on the beach, you had all kinds of dreams about giving him the blowjob of his life and if there were no feelings involved, you wouldn't hesitate for a second.
You open your eyes and try to control your unsteady breathing. It's not fair what he's doing to you.
You turn to him and push him into the bed to sit on him. You are already familiar with this sight… His gaze seems a little hazy, as if he's drunk on you.
Ace enjoys the view; How your nipples stiffen, how your chest goes up and down because of your rapid breathing and when he looks down at you he recognizes the wet spot on your slip. He breathes out a little heavily at the sight of you… Your eyes look at him a little angrily, but he recognizes the blazing lust behind them.
He bites his lip as he watches you struggle. He's glad you feel the same way and no matter what you say against it, your body speaks the truth.
Your breathing is still a little heavy as you sit on top of him, but Ace's smirk is back on his lips.
"That brings back memories…" - "I know! And for a while I couldn't think of anything else but we shouldn't do this…"
He comes up to you and grabs you by the arms while you're still sitting on his lap.
"Why shouldn't we do this y/n??!" His voice is very serious but you can feel the desperation behind it.
"I can't trust your longing…" He rests his forehead on yours and lets his shoulders drop a little. He feels a ashamed. You've already had a similar conversation and he assured you back then, that he was waiting for you and now?
He has broken his word and touched you as he pleased. He curses himself. He probably got too greedy when you came to bed wearing just a shirt.
His fingers found their way to your skin all by themselves and at a certain point he couldn't stop himself. He knows he's not alone with these feelings, but he doesn't understand why you won't let him near you...
He doesn't want to scare you off, but when you're this close to him, he has the urge to touch you…
He puts his arms around you and buries his face in your nape. Your arms automatically go around him and you lean your head on his.
"I'm sorry y/n." he whispers to you. You can hear the sincerity in his voice and you want to tell him how much you long for him too, but you're not ready to take that step.
"If you want, we could cuddle…" You say the words a little shyly. Will it do you any good? Certainly not, but seeing Ace like this isn't something you want either.
"Really? You're okay with that?" He looks up at you happily and searches your eyes to see if you're serious. You nod at him with a gentle smile and he breaks away from you to lie down with his arms outstretched.
He taps on the empty space next to him and looks at you gleefully. You can't help but laugh and snuggle up to him.
Feeling your skin is the most important thing for Ace, even if it's just your little finger.
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A/N: Haahhhh… I don't know guys... somehow I love this chapter but somehow I don't? lol. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed it <3
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lizzieisright · 18 hours
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Moon peppers (4)
(1) (2) (3)
Palestine: what can you do
were!Abby x witch!reader
Summary: Abby runs away from her (former) pack and into your forest. You're not happy with your new (woods?)mate.
Tags: fantasy au, sloppy worldbuilding (fuck it we ball), fem!reader, alpha!abby, witch!reader (so not an omega), sentient forest, stubborn idiots in love who annoy each other.
Notes: how do I keep hating the witch after she saved my life asking for a friend
Taglist: @abbysbae @poxismind @sidefanficaccounttohidemyshame @pjmispunk @herdelreydear @lmaoo-spiderman @littletinyladybugs (if you want me to tag/untag you for the whole series dm me please)
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Your morning is.. odd. You expected yourself to forget how to control so much magic, but instead it feels better than the last ten years you spent being weak. You really couldn't live like this: it made you feel vulnerable and helpless, and now that your power is back, you feel like yourself again.
In a way it terrifies you. Because you were a completely different person ten years ago, and now you don't want your old habits back. You don't like seeing your tattoos and runes, especially the ones on your forearms, but you try your best to make peace with it. Your tattoos have almost nothing to do with your power - they're just channels for your magic, a spellbook engraved in your skin. They were faint before yesterday, fading away as your powers grew weaker, but they were still there, and they will not disappear until you die. You have to accept it, and maybe, if you don't make stupid decisions this time, you'll change your heart about them. 
You meditate before breakfast to manage your flow of magic exactly like Caitlyn showed you, even though you expect the wolf to wake up at any moment and trash your still room. But the wolf is asleep - you can feel it through the bond, which is annoying: you don't like having your space disturbed like this. You're sure the wolf won't like it too. You concentrate on the bond between you to see how well the healing is happening and it makes you groan - fat chance it will be finished by the evening, with this pace it will take a whole damn week. The thought of spending more than a day with the wolf makes you depressed.
Abby wakes up. This fact alone shakes her to her core: she is not dead. She is supposed to be dead, what the fuck? More than that, she feels almost okay - she is not supposed to feel mostly okay, she fucking died! She knows this, because no way in hell she hallucinated having her throat ripped out. 
Then Abby opens her eyes, tries to move - and goes into survival mode. She is in a still room and she is restrained. All her paws are chained and she can't move. This is worse than death. Oh god, this is so much worse. 
Abby tugs on her chains with all her power, but they down even bulge. Abby growls and coils and tries again, but she only hits the wall with her back. Abby starts to panic: she can't stay here - the fucking witch bound her! She is in debt to the witch! She needs to leave before you come and order her to do something horrible. 
Abby tries again, but this time the door to the still room opens and Abby sees the creepy glowing eyes of yours. Abby starts to move around even more violently - she doesn't want you anywhere near her. You're one of the rare monsters of this world and she needs to either get away from you or to kill you, but she is not staying here. The moment she is free she will rip you to shreds. 
At least you look scared when you enter the room and you keep the biggest distance possible from her. Abby growls and snarls, clasping her jaws around the air, eager to kill you. 
“It's not what it looks like.” You blurt, your arm in the air as if you want to tell her you came in peace. 
Abby growls louder. 
“Listen, I'll free you if you calm the fuck down and turn into human form so we can talk.”
Abby is so angry she doesn't even consider the possibility of calming down or pretending to calm down. 
“Or I can force you to turn into a human.” You say in a shaky voice, as if you're yourself scared of this possibility. 
This actually makes Abby stop. She doesn't want you near her, so she needs to pick the least of two evils. Abby growls and starts to change, her fur disappears and her bones rearrange. The chains tighten around her human wrists and now she is sitting on your floor, glaring at you, her shirt ripped on her sides and her pants dirty.  
“Thank you. I will explain everything and then I'll free you, okay?” Abby just growls at you again. 
You swallow hard: the wolf is even scarier as a human. The woman is big and strong and her claws are out still, her arms are bulging with muscles, and the way she looks at you doesn't help you calm your nerves. Her shirt is red from blood and it only makes her look scarier. You clear your throat and start speaking.
“Yesterday I found you dead, and the woods wanted me to save you. So I did. Right now you're still in the process of healing and if you go too far away from me, the energy will stop coming and you will die. This is why I brought you here. I also knew you would want to kill me or you'd run away, so I chained you. Now, please make peace with the fact that you're stuck with me for a while and then I will release you. Good? Good.”
Abby growls, humbled. She doesn't want to make peace with it, but you do sound logical. And you're still scared of her, which is a good sign: maybe you won't have the guts to hurt her. 
“Am I blood bound to you?” Abby growls and you look offended and angry, which confuses Abby. And also amuses. 
“Fuck you.” You spit. “Not all witches are like this, you ungrateful beast. The only bound you have is the energy one that heals you. After that you're free to leave and please don't ever see me again. Jerk.”
You flick your fingers for the chains to disappear and stomp out of the still room. You knew this werewolf was an asshole, but holy fuck! 
The wolf stomps after you.
“It would not have happened if you didn't take all the moon peppers!” The woman argues and follows you to the kitchen. You turn around and stare at this ungrateful, entitled shit of a wolf. 
“First of all, as if a bunch of moon peppers would have saved you from getting your throat ripped out!” You snap back and get into her face, angry and stubborn. “Second of all, maybe if you didn't fucking attack me and talked to me instead I would have shared some of them!” You flip your arms around in frustration.
“Because witches are famous for being helpful and kind.” The wolf snarls at you and you can't believe the audacity of her. 
But she is also right. She did have all the reasons to attack you and not trust you. You calm down a bit and take a step back. 
“It's still idiotic to attack a witch. I might've not been so nice.”
“You were shitting your pants in fear.” The wolf deadpans.
“As if I wouldn’t find a way to get my revenge without a direct attack. You're exceptionally stupid.” You huff and the wolf growls. “You took my friend's den, covered it in blood and attacked me. Do you comprehend what I could have done if I wanted to? You know why witches use blood binding? Because it  makes us stronger.” You hiss sadistically into the blonde's face.
For a second there's fear in the wolf's eyes, and some part of you feel satisfied. The other part, though, feels disgusted with you. You take a breath. 
“I'm sorry. You just really pissed me off being so stubborn about your own safety.” You sigh and rub your face. 
The silence falls and you go to the kitchen to cook some breakfast for yourself and for this stupid wolf: after all, you will be stuck together and if someone will be nasty and poison the shared time, it won't be you. 
Abby blinks. She feels lost. She expected you to be some kind of creep or a sadist, even if you were afraid of her; and she knew you could've bound her - that's exactly what she thought happened. But she didn't expect you to actually be nice. Well, relatively nice: you chained her for her own good, then threatened her and now you just apologised to her, and Abby feels like a fool if she continues being mean to you. She really doesn't have any ground to mistreat you except some rumours and her awful, but limited experience. She only met one witch before. 
Well. She can play nice too. 
“I'm Abby.” Abby says grumpily, still not ready to believe you: you just threatened to bind her, for god's sake!
You hum and tell her your name as well while you cut vegetables with aggressive vigour. Abby assumes you're imagining cutting her into pieces. 
It's awkward. It is really, really awkward. You're obviously still frustrated and Abby doesn't burn with desire to talk to you either. Plus she is in your home and she definitely doesn't know where to put herself. She settles for a stool near you. Abby stares at your back and your arms silently, and then she is hit with the realisation. 
“You didn't have tattoos before.” 
You smirk sadly. 
“Yeah, well. Before that I didn't have to revive a whole werewolf.”
“Why did you do it?”
“Ask the forest. They made a deal with me.”
How calculating, Abby thinks. Also: how the fuck do you deal with a forest?
“So you still do deals.” 
“It's different.” You say sharply. “I don't blood bind.”
“I get it.” Abby huffs and backs off: a witch who doesn't like blood binding, might be a goddamn oxymoron. “So for how long am I stuck with you?”
“Three days, probably. Maybe more, depending how fast you'll heal.”
“I heal fast.”
“Don't compare your usual healing with coming back from the dead. Who knows how much of your brain died. That's why you can't be far away from me. You go away, you break the bond, your brain dies. Got it?”
Abby hums. She has never heard of anyone being able to revive someone. She thinks you know some old forbidden magic if you can bring people back, and it just doesn't match with what she sees: a scaredy cat who lives in the woods and has to spend hours fishing to get three fish. Your home is cosy and warm, with a lot of natural light and Abby doesn't understand how you could have saved her life: you’re soft and weak and live in a house suited for some kind old lady, not a witch who could bring people from the dead. How much fucking power a witch would need to even do that?
“How far is too far?” 
“If I stay here and you go beyond my shields, you're dead.”
Abby sighs, annoyed. She doesn't want to stay next to you for three days. She is somewhat grateful for being alive, but it's weird. It's very weird to be in one space with you. 
You place two plates and sit opposite of Abby. Abby looks at her plate and wants to hesitate, to think, but she is so fucking hungry she starts eating right away. 
It's not…bad. Edible. (God she will have to eat like this for three more days?)
You watch the wolf- Abby's face and can't help your smile. Unfortunately you're very familiar with the fact you can't cook - Cait and Vi tried it once and since then you don't host dinners anymore; sometimes Cait sends you back with food - but you didn't expect the wolf to be so sensitive to your food. You eat it just fine after all. 
“It's bad.” You laugh. 
“It is.” Abby agrees. “Did you do it on purpose?”
“What? No. My taste senses are just fucked up by a lot of potions.”
You see how Abby tenses and you sigh: it's strange to have your everyday life being seen as some kind of horror story. There's a lot of rumours about witches that are mostly true, but you don't think of Abby as a mindless, uncivilised beast even though she is a were, so there should be room to believe that some witches are not that bad. 
(You think of your past and feel ashamed: it's not like you were “not that bad” all your life). 
“Don't tell me you've never drunk a potion.” You try to appeal to Abby's own experience, but you know she might have a bad one. “From coughing? Pain killers? Never?”
“Are you saying witches brew them?” Abby smirks like you're ridiculous. 
“Well, yes. We sell them for money, that's how everyone gets them.” 
Abby is silent as she chews your food that you think is quite edible, actually - but she drinks her flower milk with every spoon and you take a wild guess she can't stomach it. 
“Okay, listen. Are you a good cook?”
“Yes, actually. Everyone with enhanced senses makes a good cook.” Abby says with pride and you see her blue eyes sparkle. She also has freckles. Which is kinda cute. 
“Then you can cook whatever you want and not suffer.” You offer. 
Abby frowns at you like she expects some kind of trickery. You sigh again and raise your hands in defeat. You tried. 
“Do you have any meat?”
“...No.”
“And I can't hunt.” Abby explains to you like you're stupid. You roll your eyes. 
“There's fish in the freezer. It should be fine.” 
That's how Abby spends her afternoon: cooking fish. She has to ask you for other ingredients and you send her to your still room, which makes her shiver. It's creepy - just like you are with your eyes and tattoos and potion drinking or whatever - and Abby thinks of people trapped in these still rooms and being experimented on. She is happy she doesn't see any kind of animal parts on your shelves. You're out of the house for the most part: when Abby looks out of the window, she sees you sitting on the ground, absolutely still. Weirdo. 
“At least this weirdo is harmless compared to her kin.” Abby says to herself while she cuts the fish.  
You also saved her life and didn't ask for anything in return - not counting leaving you alone after - and Abby really struggles to keep thinking of you as a monster. You don't seem half-bad. And she should make friends here, now that she doesn't have a pack. The thought of being friends with a witch actually makes Abby laugh out loud.
After lunch, which is spent mostly in silence except for your praise on Abby's cooking, you tell her you'll be in the still room and that she can find something to be busy with. You point at books and yarn. Abby rolls her eyes. 
She has absolutely nothing to do. Her instincts are going crazy as well: your home looks like it needs an alpha. You're not an omega, and you don't need Abby's help, but she feels like she'll go insane if she doesn't fix something. She fights her urges, but after an hour she gives up and sharpens your knives. It makes her feel easier and she can read in peace now. 
You come back in a few hours and sit on the opposite end of your sofa, exhausted. Abby doesn't look at you. 
“Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the village for my check ups. You'll have to come with me.”
Abby frowns. She doesn't want to show her face in the village - what if some of her former packmates are still around and will notice her? 
“Can your deals wait?” You sigh loudly, annoyed: can this wolf be nice for one fucking minute or is Abby trying to establish some kind of hierarchy in your house?
“I am a healer.” You deadpan, tired of dealing with Abby’s shit. “People need me.” 
“It's not safe for me to show up like this.” Abby scrunches her nose.
“I guess it’s connected to the fact that you were dead yesterday.” You say and Abby can only nod. “I can hide you, if you want. There's a spell that will not let people recognise you if they mean harm.”
Abby coils back. She doesn't want any fucking spells to be put on her! But in a second she clears her head and thinks about it: she clearly doesn’t have a choice if she wants to survive. And you offer her help, so maybe it’s not too bad. 
“How can I know you're not fucking with me?” You blink and Abby tries not to look you in the eyes: you look like an owl. And not in a cute way. 
“Can't you smell if I lie? I know weres can smell emotions. Also, the bond we have can make you feel awful if I try to harm you.”
Abby hums, thinking it over.
“Okay. But if you try any funny business, you're dead.”
“You'll be dead too, idiot.” You roll your eyes at Abby and she rolls hers in return. 
The wolf is kinda annoying. You can understand her distrust, but her threats are getting ridiculous. 
The last step of this strange and mostly unpleasant day is getting ready for bed. You look at your small sofa and try to think how Abby will fit, but the other option is the floor, which you assume she won't appreciate. You give her the choice anyway, Abby looks between the sofa and the floor like it's a hard choice, like she thinks the floor is a valid option. Then she agrees to sleep on the sofa. (I'll turn back if I'm uncomfortable, she tells you.) You bring her a pillow and a few blankets: the nights are getting cold and you usually use your magic to keep the hut warm, but you can slip up when you sleep, and wake up to a freezing house. 
“Why don't you use wood like normal people?” 
“It's too much work. I can find a tree that fell, but you need to chop it, bring it here, chop more, store the logs. Nah. Magic is easier.” 
Abby huffs. 
“So you rely on your magic all the time.”
“And you rely on your senses and strength.” You deadpan. 
Abby doesn't say anything in return, having no valid arguments. You sigh and make a circle with your hand, turning all lights off, and then you show Abby where the candle is in case she needs some light for her reading. Abby nods and you wish each other good night. 
You both can’t fall asleep for a long time, too bothered by each other: you don’t like having Abby in your home after she has been so nasty to you for the reason of “the witch”, and Abby doesn’t like being in your home for the reason of, well, “the witch”. She is alive, and she should be happy, but your presence is a constant threat and she can’t let herself fall asleep. You can’t fall asleep because you feel Abby, her life energy like a giant bright light in your living room and it’s hard to ignore it. You try to meditate but it seems to make you even more energised. 
You fall asleep when it’s so dark you can’t see anything beyond your windows. Abby falls asleep five minutes later.
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rafesfavgirl · 2 hours
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with a broken heart — r. cameron
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part 1. something a little more lighthearted to make up for breaking y'alls hearts :)
series: every few lifetimes
❝ i was grinning like i'm winning  i was hitting my marks 'cause i can do it with a broken heart ❞
pairing: ex-bf!rafe x fem!reader
context: after getting your heart broken, you pack your bags and leave the obx, only to come face to face with rafe again, eight years later.
words: 2.4k+
warnings: rafe and reader are aged up (26/27), old flames, FLUFF
"now remember, this client's a big prospect," your boss says as you follow him out of the office car and into the building you were scoping out today. "i guarantee if you can close this deal, you'll be well on your way to becoming the next junior partner."
"hank, are you serious?" you stop in your tracks and he looks at you. 
when you first left the outer banks for new york, you went to nyu without a clue on what you wanted to do with the rest of your life. somewhere along the way, you graduated magna cum laude and pursued law school at columbia. your first year, hank took you on as an intern, and by the time you graduated, you had a job lined up for you at one of the biggest real estate agencies in the world. and though you knew how well you did your job, becoming junior partner as a second-year associate was way beyond where you thought you'd be—it was nothing short of a dream come true.
"don't think what you've done for this company has been lost on me, y/n," he tells you. "you're an asset. i knew it since that first summer i took you on as an intern."
a smile comes across your lips. "well, i can't disappoint," you say. "let's close this fucking deal."
"that's what i like to hear, come on," he continues leading you through the building, until the two of you reached a tall guy with a buzzcut wearing a navy blue suit scoping out the place.
"mr. cameron," you don't miss the familiar name when you and your boss stop behind him, your breath hitching when the guy turns around to greet you both. "this is-"
"y/n," your name rolls off rafe's tongue the same way it always did, your heart beating so hard you feared it'd jump out of your chest.
hank's eyes shift between the two of you, as he shakes rafe's hand. "you two know each other?"
"yeah," rafe nods, his eyes set on you—he couldn't believe that you were actually standing in front of him. a part of him thought that when you left the obx he'd never see you again. "we uh— we went to high school together."
"well that's wonderful," hank smiles. "no need for the awkward introduction then."
except— it was awkward. you didn't just go to high school together. you fell in love in high school. and two months before you chose to go to nyu, rafe broke your heart.
"y/n here will be the one walking you through the contract, and hopefully setting you up with one of our best architects," hank explains to him, while you continue trying to process the fact that he was actually here.
what were the odds that he was the client you needed to win over in order to make junior partner? 
"so, does that all sound good to you?" you finish going over the contract for the building and look at rafe.
the two of you hovered over a table in the empty space that you'd spread out all the documents on.
"yeah, y/n, it all sounds great." the smile he throws your way makes your stomach turn in the worst way—making you realize that the piece of your heart that never stopped beating for him still existed. "where do i sign?"
"uh— right here," you pick up your pen to draw x's on all the lines he had to sign on, before holding it out to him.
he takes it from you, and you watch as he leans over to sign on each and everyone of them, your eyes trailing over how well his suit fit him.
he must hit the gym at least four times a week, you thought. he's grown quite a bit since you last saw him.
"there you go," rafe hands the pen back out to you, and you take it from him with a smile.
"thank you," you say. "you won't regret it."
"oh, i know," he nods, eyes scanning over your face. "i'd never regret anything that involves you."
you feel the heat rise on your cheeks, but you keep it professional, gathering the files on the table back into your folder. "well then, i'll leave you with the contacts of our architects and if you have any further questions, you can reach out to hank or any of the other executives."
"yeah, okay," he replies, hiding his disappointment in the fact that you didn't tell him to contact you with any questions he may have.
"it was a pleasure doing business with you, mr. cameron," you hold out a hand to him for a handshake and he stares at it for a second, before reluctantly placing his hand in yours.
"it sure was," he smiles. "but you know you can just call me rafe, don't you?"
"this is how i address all my clients," you tell him. "it's just the professional thing to do."
"yeah, yeah, i get it," he nods. "guess i'm just not used to it coming from you."
you crack a smile at his somewhat nervous stance—you weren't used to seeing him this way. "it was nice to see you again, rafe. good luck with everything."
"yeah," he grins. "you too."
you turn to walk away, while rafe stays back, scratching the back of his head in contemplation before calling out to you. "hey y/n?"
"yeah?" you ask, stopping to look at him again.
"you got any plans tonight?"
"rafe, i-"
"oh, come on," he cuts you off, slowly closing the distance between you two. "there's no reason we can't be friends, right?"
wrong—there were many reasons. one being that you spent years piecing yourself back together after he decided to give up on you. 
"let's catch up," he persists, his blue eyes locking with yours. "get a drink with me tonight."
despite your head screaming no, you agree. "one drink," you say, causing a smile to spread across his face. "ten o'clock. meet me at the bar on fifth."
the second you walk into the bar, rafe rises from his stool at the counter and waves you over. he had gotten there 30 minutes early to make sure you weren't left waiting for him—you'd done enough of that.
"hey," he seems nervous when you reach him, wiping his hands on his slacks before reluctantly wrapping his arms around you in a hug.
you resist the urge to giggle—it was kinda entertaining to see this six-foot-two tall man get nervous around you—and briefly return his hug.
"have you been here long?" you ask, taking off your jacket and taking a seat in the empty stool beside him.
"nah, just about five minutes or so," he lies, shrugging and giving you a lopsided smile, as the bartender walks up to greet you both.
"anything i can get you?" she asks, eyes lingering on rafe for a little longer than you.
"just a glass of whiskey for me," rafe tells her. "neat."
"and i'll just have a glass of pinot noir," you say, when the girl turns to look at you. "thank you."
"and you can just put it on this," rafe reaches into his back pocket for his wallet, and you cut in. "rafe, you don't have to-"
"nonsense," he shakes his head at you and slides his black amex across to the bartender. "i invited you out. it's on me."
the bartender picks up his card, and gives him a smile. "rafe cameron. i'll remember that."
subtly, rafe rolls his eyes and you hold back a snicker. "please don't."
the bartender huffs as her eyes shifts between the two of you, but walks away without another word to get your drinks and charge rafe's card.
you kink a brow at him. "you get bartenders flirting with you a lot?"
"i guess it happens every now and then," he shrugs.
"it's definitely the buzz," you tell him, as a different bartender brings over your drinks and hands rafe back his card.
"thank you," he briefly acknowledges him, before turning his attention back on you, an amused smile on his face. "you think?"
"yeah," you nod, bringing your wine glass up to take a sip. "it makes you look older— more mature. it suits you."
he cracks a smile, a small chuckle slipping out from between his lips. "and being a lawyer suits you."
"you really think so?"
"yeah," he nodded, taking a sip of his whiskey. "you looked so cute all dressed up in your little suit," those words make the heat rise on your cheeks, and you hide it with your wine glass. "i've never seen you more in your element. what made you choose law?"
"well…" you trail off, wondering whether or not you should tell him the truth. oh, fuck it. "after we broke up, i found out got into nyu. i was so… mad and hurt over you ending it that i packed my bags and i left, without looking back. during the summers, i stayed here and worked internships with the school just so i'd have an excuse not to go home."
he listened intently, a look of indifference falling across his features. a part of him was hurt at hearing that he'd broken your heart so badly you felt the need to leave, but the other part was proud. you really did that. figured your shit out and made a life for yourself—just like he always knew you would.
"after my second year, i worked an internship with a property management company in brooklyn. we scoped out places all around the city, and i don't know… i kinda just fell in love with it. seeing how happy people got when we'd found them the right apartment or the right space for them to start their business just made me feel really good. so i declared real estate as my major junior year and decided on law school," you continued.
"doll, that's amazing," he smiled, blue eyes twinkling. "which law school did you go to?"
"columbia," you reply, his eyes only widening in amazement. no words could describe the amount of pride in his chest right now. "but enough about me. what about you?"
"oh— uh…" he started and set his whiskey down on the bar. "after you left, i went to rehab. went in and out of that place for about two or three years… i mean, you knew how bad it was— wasn't easy."
you frown upon hearing his struggles with rehab and relapsing, but nod along as he continues.
"been clean for about four years now though," he shrugs, as if it wasn't some big accomplishment.
"rafe, that's amazing," you tell him, setting your glass down on the bar. "good for you."
"i had to," he nodded. "not only for me, but for dad, too. he was starting to talk business and expanding the company, and i just… i couldn't let him down. especially not after i let you down."
you glance down, no longer being able to meet his eyes. you knew that your past together had to come up at one point, you just weren't ready for it. mainly because even after all this time, there was still that little piece of your heart that never stopped belonging to him. it would always be his. "rafe…"
"i hope i'm not being too forward when i ask you this but…" his hand reaches out to touch yours, and you look up at him. "are you seeing anyone?"
"no, i'm not," you shake your head. "after we broke up, i didn't really date much. and even when i did, nothing ever really stuck."
that was enough to have a smile crack across his his, eyes brighter than you'd seen them in a really long time. "guess that makes two of us."
"guess so," you shrug, thoughts running through your mind a hundred times a minute as you try to find a way to change the subject. you weren't ready for where this conversation was about to go. at least, not yet. "but, uh— tell me about cameron development, how's that going?"
he chuckles at your eagerness to change the subject, as you sipped on your wine, but goes with it. he'd break you down again. eventually.
after finishing your drinks at the bar, rafe offered to walk you home since your apartment was only about a block or two away, assuring you that he'd just get a cab back to his hotel afterward.
and while a part of you screamed at you to say no, that little piece of your heart that still beat for him won over, and you agreed.
"well, this is me," you say, stopping in front of your apartment complex and looking at him. "it was really nice to see you, rafe."
"so that's it?" he asks, catching you off guard. "this just ends here?"
he takes a step towards you, making your heart pitter-patter, as his eyes scanned your face.
"rafe-"
"don't you ever wonder…" he cuts you off, his gaze lingering on your lips for just a moment before his eyes shifted to meet yours. "what we could've been? what we could be?"
"i-"
"i know i fucked shit up with you, a'ight?" he said, hand coming up to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear.
the gesture threatens to make your eyes flutter close at the feeling of his familiar touch, but you keep your composure.
"i was young and i was stupid, and i thought you deserved better," he continued. "but y/n, there isn't a day that has gone by in the last eight years that you haven't crossed my mind. i think about you all the time, just hoping for the day you'd finally come back to the banks."
your breath hitches at his confession, that tiny piece of your heart that held onto him, growing three sizes.
"i know i don't deserve a second chance, i know that," he told you. "but i'm not the guy i was back in high school. i'm clean now, and i've turned my life around. i can be that guy for you now. the one you needed me to be all those years ago."
"okay," you whisper.
"what?" he musn't have heard you right.
"i'd be lying to myself if i said i haven't thought about you either, rafe," you say.
a small chuckle falls from his lips, which spread into a smile. "seriously?"
you nod. "come pick me up at seven tomorrow. let's give it a chance."
part 3 coming soon!!
i'm rooting for them tbh
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clubdionysus · 2 days
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[THE FIRST BAD DECISION] Prologue
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warnings: alcohol, partying, kissing strangers
wc: 2.4k
bd total wc: 540k (on-going)
minors dni | AO3 | series masterlist 
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FOUR YEARS EARLIER
Jeon Jeongguk looks devastatingly pretty with cherry-red lips. Smudged and a little faded, they leave the faintest mark on the end of his cigarette—a bad habit, he knows, but one that he picked up as an excuse to flirt with a girl whose lips are far more crimson than his.
Of course they are, though. How else would she stain him in evidence of her existence if they weren't?
Even when he's tarnished in her, there's no evidence of him on her. Nothing to tell new acquaintances to stay away—and Hayun loves making new friends.
A bottle of Jack rests by his feet. Neat. A little lukewarm. Ass perched on the curb outside a house just off campus, he's in no mood to get himself embroiled in the debauchery he knows his friends are partaking in. Just wants to clear his head.
Foolishly hopes she'll do the same. That she'll notice his absence. That her heart will ache like his currently is.
In their final year of studies, his friends are all letting loose for the final time before they have to cram for finals. It's a night of celebration. Of last-chances. Of opportunities that won't present themselves again for a good few lunar orbits.
And so while he may not have the same restrictions, having started his studies a little later than scheduled, he's been making the most of it with them.
Quiet kisses hidden from his friends are fun. He likes them. Loves them, even.
But to then watch her very publicly let a guy make moves on her? To make moves back?
Feels fuckin' awful.
"Oh, you know what?" A voice echoes from the porch of the house behind him. "You can take her violin and shove it up your ass, you ostentatious, pseudo-intellectual prick."
It's a little twisted, but it brings Jeongguk comfort to know he isn't the only one with a shitty excuse for a love life. Knows he shouldn't listen in—but fuck it.
"Where does she keep her violin, huh? In your trousers? 'Cause that's the only way that what I just saw and what you're saying could even possibly correlate," the girl continues, unrelenting in the way she dictates her speech. Barely lets her partner get a word in edge-ways. "No? She not a tiny violin specialist? The rooms aren't that dark, dickhead."
He thinks the tirade is over, but finds himself laughing when he hears, "And not to brag, but my last eye exam went exceptionally well, so don't you dare try and tell me I was seeing shit. Twenty-twenty vision, baby."
It's easy to tell whoever is speaking is deliberating adding a little dramatic flare to their words. Is definitely drunk. Is also definitely not afraid of standing her ground.
Glancing over his shoulder as he stubs out his cigarette, he's surprised to see the girl—you—on the phone instead of confronting someone in person.
In a pretty little party dress, you're just the right combination of hot mess. Even from a fair distance away, he can notice the glitter all over your skin. Not really his type—so different from Hayun—but there's something about you. Something that intrigues him. Makes it hard to look away.
"She could be fuckin' Vivaldi for all I care!" You seethe into your phone. "Does it sound like I give a shit if she's the best in her class? You want me to give her a gold medal or something? Don't piss me off. Prick."
Jeongguk would argue that you're already pissed off. With a tone of voice like that, you must be.
There's a final curse, and then your phone is almost thrown across the front lawn. Almost. You know better. Know that you can't afford to replace the screen if you shatter it. Instead, you have to grit your teeth and scream.
It's only once you finish your venting of frustration that you notice a pair of starry eyes on you.
Raising your brows, you shake your head in his direction. "Can I help?"
And then he fucking laughs. Shrugs. Is pleased to see it makes you smile, too.
"Really hate violin, don't you?"
Shaking your head, far kinder this time, you sigh. "Don't have much of an opinion on them. Not unless it's the strings in the intro of Untouched by The Veronicas. In that case, the violin is the greatest instrument known to man."
"Untouched? The Veronicas?" he laughs, suddenly reminded of a song he hasn't heard in years. "Didn't realise it was still 2005."
"Hey, don't be judgy," you say as you walk towards him, perching down on the curbside, too. "It's a classic."
"Never said it wasn't," he defends, reaching down for his bottle of Jack and offering it over to you. "Boyfriend trouble?"
Shaking your head, you decide that unloading your problems onto a stranger is exactly what this night calls for.
"Girl I've been seeing. Wasn't that serious." Nodding towards the bottle you add, "You first."
"Seemed pretty serious," he mumbles, before swigging down his whiskey. Jack is shit, in his opinion, but it's cheap and it gets the job done. Clearing his throat with a small 'ah', he holds it back over for you to take. "Satisfied?"
You don't vocalise a response—but you do take the bottle from him and ignore the burn as it races down your throat. Of everything you'd choose to drink, Jack Daniels would not be it. You like fruity things. Had been on vodka cranberry juice all night.
"Wasn't serious," you double down, then shrug. "Can't let people think they can get away with bad behaviour, though. Let them do it once, and they'll do it again and again."
It's something you're adamant about. Something you'll do well to remember.
"Anyway, you know why I'm out here like a miserable bitch," you continue as you pass the bottle back. "What brings you here?"
"Something similar."
It's only now that you really take him in for all that he is.
Same age as you, you think, judging by his build. Though his shoulders are broad, he hasn't properly filled out yet—he's trying, though. You can see the definition in his arms. His shoulders. Clearly is trying to shape himself into a man. No longer a teenager, but not really an adult. With eyes like that, though, he'll always look a little younger than he is. His dark hair waves around his features, so casually undone you know he must have put a lot of effort into it. It's sweet.
He tries, and that's more than can be said for most of the boys at the party.
"It doesn't suit you," you tell him.
"Hm?"
"The red lipstick," you nod towards the sheen on his lips. There's a little on his neck, too. His T-shirt is black, but you imagine there's some there, as well. "You'd look better without it."
"It's not mine."
"Guessed as much," you softly smile. "So what, then? Your girlie pissed all over her territory? So no one else would approach you? Then decided she wanted to play elsewhere?"
"Something like that."
"Girlfriend?"
Jeongguk just shrugs. Tells the truth, even if it feels like a lie. "Just friends."
"You kiss all your friends?"
"Just one."
"Ouch," you wince. Friends-with-benefits situations are dumb, you think. Wouldn't ever wanna end up in one. Know they end in unbearable heartbreak. "That's rough."
He nods. Knows how it'll end, too, even if he's been trying to tell himself otherwise.
"Well, we're friends, now," you declare, definitely too drunk to be making good decisions. "You and me. Have bonded over terrible people doing terrible things."
He wants to tell you that Hayun isn't terrible.
Instead, he raises a brow at your fledgling—and fleeting—friendship.
"If she's off making new friends, then maybe you should consider kissing your other friends," you playfully shrug, knowing better than to get involved in a situation like this. "Y'know... make it even."
And Jeongguk is well aware he shouldn't indulge in your flirt, but he's hurting. Wants to feel wanted—and the way you're looking at him? He can't remember the last time Hayun looked at him like that.
The way you see it, you'll never see this man again. You could both do with a little pick-me-up. Confirmation that life goes on, even if the people you date are awful.
A kiss is just a kiss.
Or at least, for now, it is. One day, you'll develop a complex. Blame Seokjin.
But you're yet to meet him. Yet to unlearn all your rules and make far feebler, more pathetic ones in their place.
"Y'know, you're kinda cute," you whisper, edging closer ever so slightly.
"Kinda?" He tweaks a brow, eyes not on yours, but on your lips. There's a little glitter in your gloss. Think maybe it'll suit him better.
"Mhmm," you hum, reaching up to lightly trace your thumb across his bottom lip, ridding him of a little bit of his very own red flag. "Kinda. Never kissed a guy with a lip piercing."
Just a stud, he's only had it a little while. Was trying to make himself look a little older. Sharper. Light from the house catches in it as your thumb pulls back - but Jeongguk pulls closer. Nudges his nose against yours. Holds it there for a second.
"Maybe I should take one for the team," he husks, lips brushing yours. "Just so you know what it's like."
Nodding, you let your nose stroke against his. "You'd be such a good friend if you did."
Lips parted, the end of your sentence grants him permission to sink his lips between yours. Slow as he does so, Jeongguk's scared of fucking it up.
Hasn't kissed anyone that isn't Hayun for months, now. Isn't even sure he knows how to.
And yet as soon as you press down into the kiss, his mind is void of her. Totally blank. Pitch black, until the faintest of stars begin to appear. Sparkle. Shine.
There's a sweetness to you, even despite the whiskey. Maybe it's the cranberry juice. Maybe it's your lip gloss. Jeongguk doesn't have the mental capacity to decipher it, for he can feel your tongue stroking across his bottom lip—and then he's granting permission. Inviting you into his mouth. Stroking his tongue against yours, as if he's in the privacy of the party bathroom—not out front for everyone to see.
Shamelessly, he almost wants Hayun to see—but as quickly as a thought of her intrudes, it's replaced by the way you feel. It makes him pull you closer. Gets him whining into your mouth. Makes you smile.
It's confirmation that there's nothing wrong with you; that the girl you were seeing really was just a dickhead.
Pressing your hand to his chest, you slowly push him away. Are reluctant to finish kissing him. In fact, even as you push him back, your body follows, until you force yourself to pull back.
"There," you smile, a little infatuated with how sparkly his eyes appear. "Now you're even."
"We can make it odd, again, if you want," Jeongguk offers, far bolder than even he realises. Just doesn't wanna stop kissing you. Maybe it's just the whiskey. Yeah. He'll blame it on that.
"That's a bad decision waiting to happen," you laugh, getting to your feet, because you don't trust yourself to stay. "My purpose is served. Friends don't fuck you over. Stop wasting your kisses on people who are gonna fuck you over."
Your message is clear: she's not your friend.
It's a lesson he'll learn far too late in life.
"But you're ditching me?" He says as you begin to walk away. "That's not friendly!"
For a girl who should really be wallowing in self-pity, you're surprisingly chirpy. Jeongguk envies it. Wishes he could stop caring in the way that he does —he just doesn't realise your situationship really was as simple as they're supposed to be. The feelings were yet to fully develop.
If love is a choice—which you think, to a degree, it is—then before it can develop, choices have to be made. Your partner is supposed to choose you. The girl you'd been seeing has just demonstrated that she wouldn't choose you, and so why should you choose her?
Life is simpler before Seokjin; before you really know what it is to love.
Or, to love, and to not be chosen.
To choose, even when you're never chosen.
Sort of like how Jeongguk is, now.
"I'm doing you a favour!" You call back, tipsy smile just as radiant as you seem to be. You're jovial in your tone, and the attitude rubs off on him. Gets him smiling, too. "Saving you from yourself. If I kiss you again, you'll fall in love, baby. They always do!"
The way you jet off is spritely. Happy. Abundantly clear that you're yet to know what heartbreak really feels like.
The girl getting a little too friendly with the star violinist will be long forgotten by the time you meet Jeongguk once again, and so will he. In fact, the scar left by Seokjin manages to mangle just about all of your romantic memories prior to him.
You'll become folklore; a girl Jeongguk doesn't know the name of, but who Hayun is pretty sure is legally named 'Desperate Skank'. Someone they argue about on a few too many occasions. A memory he barely remembers, but in the heat of their drunken fight later that evening became a permanent sticking spot in their situationship.
'Cause while Hayun was off making friends, that's all she was doing. Getting numbers. Getting a little touchy-feely. Getting her ego stroked. Getting zero kisses, because she had been reserving them for him.
Why she was only making friends with six-foot-something muscle pigs with more protein powder in their system than common sense is another thing they'll argue about—but he's the one in the wrong this time, or so she makes sure to tell him.
He'll think of you sometimes. The memory will be hazy. Blurry, like driving down a midnight highway with astigmatism.
He'll think of you, and he'll see stars.
And when he sees you again in the dark of Dionysus a few years later, with no recollection of who you are, his brain will scream at him. Beg him to remember.
He won't.
But he will, inevitably, see stars once more. 
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bad-wolf-circe · 4 months
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actually i'm anti aesthetic. actually i don't believe in living my life according to the mandate of the same 500 pinterest images. actually i think my life has some meaning, some shades of color to it, outside of a set of rules and stereotypes that are presented to me in a tidy little package. actually, maybe i'm the ugly color gradient and that means there is nuance to the way i live. actually, i don't want to JUST be a witch, or a clean girl, or a mythic bitch, or the feminine mystique, or a coastal grandmother, or a cottagecore lover of women, or punk, or rock, or death metal, or goth. actually being a girl hasn't been anything like what's been shown to me -- and so i will be a girl on my own terms. actually i think being a girl has been nothing like the movies or the moodboards. actually FUCK your moodboards and your makeup too. actually i'm nothingandeverythingcore. actually im alive im alive im alive and that requires no aestheticization. it requires no sanitization of existence. actually life is most beautiful when it is diverse. actually i will try everything and know everything and nothing will stop me; my life will be varied and beautiful and messy and chaotic and occasionally organized and exactly the way it ought to be, you FUCKERS.
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blujayonthewing · 3 months
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I don't mind being treated like a weirdo when I'm being weird but is there anything worse than spending your whole life constantly running into moments where you thought you were being perfectly normal, you thought you were acting like everyone else, maybe you even were objectively acting just like everyone else, but whatever you said or did makes everyone stop and stare at you exactly like this
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anaalnathrakhs · 1 month
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i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.
#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating#i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice.#i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything.#i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years#i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating#i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group#nowhere i go will be free of obligations#i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway#my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not#they see me binge and nothing happens#we just ignore it#i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished#hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me#i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life#both meals with other people and my ritual binges#i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging#and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food#to other people#it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction#my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want#or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie#or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something#and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :)#and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly.#so badly that no one can deny i need help#i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital.#no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim#i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me#but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care.#so fuck me i guess
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i really do love practicing 🎻
#i'm in music school so now it's a much more significant source of my already very significant fears#but practicing only feels stressful when i don't do it enough and i'm trying to 'catch up'#some weeks fly past me like hurricanes and i get to my lesson and i can't say i've made any progress and that fucks me up#and i don't think that's ever going away- like i'll always have weeks like that cuz everyone has bad days and bad weeks#from time to time#but when i plan correctly (which is becoming more and more the norm for me) my practicing is something im really proud of :)#i have a System. i didn't do very well before i had it and i would die without it now.#i get excited about learning! i get excited having realizations abt things to change or work on when i practice!#it feels experimenty a lot of the time and i like it!!!#i have a lot of catching up to do in terms of comparing myself to others but i'm not here for them i'm here for me#i will do my best and i will learn from others of course but my goals are to make my Me better first and worry abt other people later#i won't lose sight of that#<- and when it doesn't feel experimenty it can be calming to just be like okay ik what i need to do now just. Practice. Repeat.#i mean music is a fucking rollercoaster and sometimes you are at the bottom and i hate that but it comes w the territory#sometimes you're just Stuck but you do get past it and in those moments i just try to think back to previous times ive felt like that#ive felt horribly shitty before and gotten through it and come out the other side slightly better!#life is like that i think#anyways. hashtag iris loves music and being a musician 🙄 nothing new over here hehe
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im2tired4usernames · 13 days
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Every single time I defend someone shitty who has done nothing but be a cunt to me because they did 1 (ONE ) decent thing THEY ALWAYS TURN AROUND AND DO SOMETHING SO MUCH WORSE TO ME
#every single time i praise aomeone for turning a new leaf they fuck me over#my life is continuing getting worse and worse and worse and worse and i really don't know how much longer i want to deal with this shit#if things do not change soon I'm quitting I'll run away and i will never come back#i praise y sister for growing up she steals and then lies about it and i print with out a shadow of a doubt she did it wont admit it#coworker who bums job off onto me dose. one piece of work then fucked off and dowe nothing else all day then spreads rumors i lied about my#moms cancer#like i can pull up her obituary bitch#dad dose 1 nice thing then like let's me go to bed instead of doing all the dishes that accumulate while i was at work#then need day turns me back into a slave#is goin to marry his yandere bitch gf my mother has not been dead a year yet good for him#I'm done#i hate being alive i can't daydream about anything anymore except death#i used to be able to daydream ocs n stories that stopped years ago then it was day dreaming about a better life with my wife#that's hard to believe it'll ever happen in just trapped and my dad constantly discourages me getting independent or doin anything for mysel#no don't get a full time job don't move out you cam never do it no don't try to learn sewing again doing try dnd again doing make new friend#don't do anything to make like nice#I'm allowed Wednesday nights after the kids go to church and that's it and if it clashes with family aucks to be me#and i don't get to make. it up the next day like dad#i cant stand my life i hate it so much#i hate my family minus my four youngest siblings#i hate my job i hate waking up i hate feeling exhausted all the time#being alive is disappointment and work I'm tired of it#I'm tired#i dont want to do this anymore#i need something to change but I'm trapped nothing will change unless i do it#and i hate that I'll probably have to leave ao much behind
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medicinemane · 8 months
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It's amazing how much having the roofer who put my roof in and have a direct monetary incentive to finding something wrong with my roof telling me it's fine other than some bruising lets me calm my anxiety about the rain
I'm still worried about whatever's causing the water to leak around that pipe (only when it rains so... I wouldn't think it's plumbing related), but... I can put that one aside if I know it's not a problem with the roof
It's just amazing though what solid information can do
#it's why I'm always using the phrase evidence; it's why I'm always talking about what evidence I do and don't have#here I have evidence I can present myself that says that my anxiety isn't about stuff that's really happening#and that means that I can stop from fixating and being driven crazy by it as much#I could probably totally get rid of it with this if I could give the same treatment to the few other things#that give me anxiety related to the rain right now#if I can feed my anxiety solutions or facts it tends to go away#the problem is I'm often totally in the dark on things#like here; I'm not comfortable going on my roof and I don't know what to look for; so I couldn't just find out myself; I needed help#and there's a lot of stuff like that where even metaphorically I don't know what to look for... so I can't find any evidence#that will prove my warped view of things wrong#this is what I keep trying to explain but... but honestly feels like it never gets through to anyone#...I often wonder if I'm just terrible at communicating#if maybe all my words just kind of come out garbled from what I think I'm saying#...it really does feel like that's the case some times; but... it's unlikely; isn't it?#still... functionally it describes what I experience a lot of times even if it's probably the wrong answer#I just don't know why nothing I say really ever seems to make sense to anyone or... or even be heard 99% of the time#not something new either; felt this way pretty much my whole life... so you see why I wonder if I just...#if I'm not saying what I think I'm saying; like if the words are the wrong words and are confusing everyone
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