#me digitalizing more journal entries lol

[cherryysocks]

transition slide

i was wrong about time, it's not a thin string stretching through space. it's more like a fog, or a wave. Never quite one shape or another. i said i was scared, because it felt like things were changing. you put your hand on mine, and said, "the already have."

#my art #writing #words #digital art #comic #me digitalizing more journal entries lol #digital art diary #made with photoshop #text #original art #original writing #change is scary #but how can you fear something that literally is happening all the time #life is transient is the moral of the story #click for quality!!

[hillbillyoracle]

Journal Hacking

I’m not sure if this will make sense to anyone else but I wanted to document something I’ve been trying lately with regards to planning/bujo/journaling type things. Even if only so I can go back and see what I did lol. 

So I have been bullet journaling in some form on and off since 2014. So it’s been a minute. And while I like it on the whole, it’s just not been working out for me lately. I tried a Hobonichi weeks mega and while I really like some aspects it’s just not enough room for me. My handwriting is not that small. 

I ran across a simplified GTD-like system called Ugmonk Analog and I liked the principles (even if I didn’t like the price tag) so I adapted it to my new journal. 

Ugmonk’s Analog system has three cards - Today, Next, and Someday. I’m just using notecards I have for this. I put the Today card on my cover with washi tape so I can see it without opening my notebook and easily write things down (my pen is in the loop to the side there). 

The Next and the Someday cards - along with some others are in the inside. I made the pocket by taping one of the notecards horizontally and taping the two outside sides. 

The long bit of text on the inside cover is the Heart Sutra. I like to write it on notebooks I’ll be using regularly so I pause and reflect on it more regularly. 

In addition to Next and Someday cards, I have a blank one for scratch paper and one with my ideal timelines for doing home and personal tasks. The personal side is lacking, I’m kind of in a state of transition on that so I’m unclear what I want to do regularly. The house stuff never happens all the way but I like knowing what I’d like to do when I’m adding tasks to my Today card. 

I think my favorite part of this system is the memory keeping part. It’s not super elegant or pretty but on the pack of each today card, I record any notable things about the day on the top (period, mood, fights, symptoms) with a hashtag, the weather, and then I fill the card with what I did that day. It’s been very helpful so far for jogging my memory throughout the week. I like that I can pull them out and see as many as I’d like throughout the week. I plan on digitizing them at the end of the year and keeping the last year as a hard copy. 

I keep the card in this little green box. Might decorate it soon. 

I don’t really feel like sharing my finished cards so hopefully this gives you an idea. I like that I can see what happened in a day and what I got done on one card. 

So yeah, I’m really liking it so far. I still do long form journaling (Morning Pages type things) in the notebook itself. I actually turn it so the short side is on the top and it’s kind of like writing on an A4 sheet of paper. I do that so I don’t start auto rereading old journal entries when I’m flipping through for other stuff. I index and thread anything that isn’t journal entries like I would a normal bullet journal. Right now I have some random notes for subject I’m studying, some pen and paper games I’m playing, and writing notes. 

I’m also going to add either an A6 monthly calendar or print my own calendar set up to add to the back pocket for scheduling things in advance. I know everyone uses Google Calendar but I never check mine much. So people can schedule things with me on my Google Cal but my source of truth will be the hard copy. 

Some resources I took inspiration from in setting all this up: 

- OG Bullet Journal - I’m surprised by how many people I’ve met who don’t know that bullet journaling isn’t just making your own pretty planner but an actual system (no shade to the art journaling folks, I’m just not one of them). When I say I use bullet journaling, this is what I’m using. Check for some of his more recent videos if you like it, he’s updated it. 

- Ugmonk Analog - slightly expanded to-do list system on paper; the product seems nice but they’ve actually been very supportive of people making their own knockoff versions for personal use which is cool to see

- Everbook - I think if I had more to juggle, I’d upgrade to something like this system. This guy has so many neat ideas sprinkled throughout the channel. He also really supports people making their own version. Love a good open source ethos. 

Anyways - hope this helps someone! 

#journal #bullet journal #studyblr #journaling #bujo #ugmonk analog #analog #everbook #index cards #memory keeping #organization #sorry for the lighting #i literally live in my parents basement

[jobforameowboy]

a eulogy for lost messages

I can't figure out how to make a neocities/website for journaling so I'll just post entries here ig lol

cw: mention(s) of death & trauma

The state of social media makes me sad, even as someone who doesn't use it much. It makes me sad seeing friends leave and abandon accounts, or deleting them entirely–not only since this now means it'll be difficult for me to keep up with them (see their daily life, various postings no matter how mundane etc,.) but also because I feel like these are pieces, virtual markings being done away with and simply eviscerated.

They hold something precious to me, as someone with a faulty memory and anxieties that can skew my perception. I've struggled with how to put this into words before, but when your own brain is so unreliable, these sorts of more tangible things (letters, gifts, social media postings even) can be so helpful when it comes to grounding yourself and remembering that you are, in fact, cared about, thought of and loved, that there are good people around you etc..

My brother was visiting not too long ago; we had a good talk, though also a painful one touching on & revisiting our childhood traumas, how we are both now seeking therapy and the mention of our possible diagnoses etc.. He mentioned some things–happier things–as well, such as how I supposedly had an Elmo-themed birthday when I was little, but my response to all of these recollections was just,

"I don't remember that."

You don't?

-and no I don't, in all truth–which, is something that frustrates me to no end. More often than not when someone will mention some event from when I was younger or even a mere few years ago, I cannot for the life of me recall it; the only things I can recall, for the most part, are what wounded me, and so I can only half "re-live" these supposed cheerful moments through the eyes of others.

It is agonizing. And something I've been trying to avoid now, to preserve the happier times in my life going forward–including what could be seen as the most minuscule of happenings, such as a text message or funny tweet from a friend. I rely on screenshots a lot, but I will directly visit profiles and pages of my friends, too. Screenshots, however, aren't always reliable either, because guess what.

I fucking forget to take them.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

I want to remember. I don't want to lose even more. I don't want my happiness to be so short-lived and easily cast into the wind, because my body is broken.

My brain is my enemy, and so I deeply treasure these little things: a log of texts, an exchange of bad jokes between me and a friend, a meme that made me chuckle, a post I was tagged in or being able to revisit a tweet where I first interacted with someone I now love deeply.

It is a loss as I see it, whenever someone in my life decides to terminate an account or page of theirs, though I understand it is their decision, and I respect this wholly; it is a sadness I often keep to myself, because I know it is selfish.

I mourn these websites, I mourn the text(s) I accidentally deleted, I mourn the post I forgot to snap a picture of, I mourn the loss of digital markings of one's existence for it carries the same weight.

The burden of my heart is a very real fear that if I cannot view or look at past postings, videos or such of theirs, I will forget–I will forget the impact they had on my life, I will forget the sound of their voice, I will forget the jokes we laughed at.

I know you were there, but what will I remember? What will you leave behind?

#journal #mace talks zzz

[still-writingfrommycorner]

outlet

Hi blog,

Been a while. Going by my last actual written entry here, it has been 4 years since I cared or had time to lay down my feelings and experiences in their most raw. No editing here, for a change - yay!

A quick summary to catch you up, 'cause the last few years have been quite full.

Got married

Had a baby

Landed a new Sydney-based job

Enjoyed working with Australian and NZ brands with said Sydney-based company

Got into a near-fatal car accident right outside our home

Left Sydney-based job and took two months off to recalibrate (didn't realize how badly I needed it until I was fully immersed in it -- highly recommend if you were born in the '90s like me and went to work right after college grad haha)

Did a short freelancing stint with a NY-based Filipino lifestyle brand (thanks to a generous mentor who did the introduction)

Let freelancing stint go as I got more serious with my full-time job applications

Went on a fun family trip to Bohol just in time for Chunky's 2nd birthday

Started a new work-from-anywhere job with one of the best digital agencies I've come across (funnily enough, first "worked" with them when I was still with Summit -- felt like a foreshadowing haha)

So... that's the past 4 years as a list. What's not seen are the many breakdowns and breakthroughs, coffees and matcha lattes, crippling anxieties and thank-you-universe moments of happiness that I went through, paid for, and lived through.

TBH, today's writing prompt was a personal low point. It's been a tough several weeks or month, really. And yesterday, it all just came to a boil. I've been thinking about journaling the past few months, and today I just couldn't fight the urge anymore. I just need an outlet or maybe coping mechanism would be more accurate. I've tried a lot at this point: looking at my zodiac readings (lol), curating crystals (can confirm they work haha), downloading cat games, downloading "soothing" games, retail therapy (too easy to get carried away with this), and going to the gym. But this - writing and talking to the void where I feel unknown in the best possible way - will always be the most natural for me.

I promise to be back. Even these last few minutes of just typing away my thoughts almost as soon as they came to me has brought me immense comfort. Let's work towards this bringing me joy.

Note: Funny story about this book. Badly wanted this and my then-boyfriend, now-husband bought it for me for Christmas. Was only about a quarter of the way through reading when life took over and I had to pause. Lent it to a friend who, 'til now, has not returned it yet. hahaha I see her semi-regularly, must remember to ask for it back next time.

#blogging #back to blogging #if you know me irl im fine i swear haha #April 22 2023 #writing #free therapy

[anxietyprime]

Welcome back to Anxiety Prime! Where I talk about my anxiety and just shout it out on here and hope it helps. It usually does, so here we are.

My brain is not in a good place right now, I've been sick for close to 3 weeks and finally feeling better the last few days. I dunno if just being sick or the additional meds and fucked up my mental state, but my anxiety has ramped up more; and the intrusive thoughts are back and it's been really difficult lately. My parents were both in the hospital last month and life has just not been going well lately.

Like I worry about being derivative of myself in my story I'm writing; because I wrote a one off line in the main story that I am now trying to fit in with one of the character's history. It just feels like this is what happened before with the character's son, now I want to do it again with the character's grandson? It seems repetitive and I dunno if it would bring anything to the story. I think I'll try to find something to make it flow better, whether I have to alter the event, the line, or exactly what happens. I kinda want to be done with writing this character's history because I've been writing it all year and it's been taking forever, I mean yes I barely write when I do take the time to write so yes it does take forever, because I make it take forever. It doesn't need to if I dedicate more time to it. The good part is all this history of this one character has world built most of the universe and now these broader concepts just need some fine-tuning to them.

Being sick and unable to help my family has made me really stressed out, because I don't want to get them sick. And some hard stuff has been happening and everyone has just been stressed out lately. It's been so bad some of my calming techniques I learned from Therapy haven't been working lately and I worry that I might have more mental health issues. I don't care for the intrusive thoughts and the little voice in my head telling me to hurt myself or cut off parts of my body. I don't know if this is dysphoria or not but it certainly feels like it. Like I still haven't figured out if I am bisexual or not, if I'm Non-binary or trans. Like are these thoughts a representation of my hatred or anger built up or are they just the voices in my head trying to mess with me.

I might have schizophrenia, but it might be just a lot of stress lately and there are so many things that I want to do and I'm just not doing any of it. Being sick for almost a month fucked over so much progress I wanted to do and that I couldn't do and I think that stress has built up waaay too much and I haven't done anything to relieve it. It's why I was having major anxiety and panic attacks. That me actually making progress the last couple days has actually helped me out immensely.

I also have to break these dark connections in my mind that connect to these intrusive thoughts, so they don't have a way to return. I probably need to talk to my therapist or take up meditation.

Also, in other thoughts about being Non-binary or LGBT+, I need to be sure about the whys on why I think I am, because I feel like I have a complex about wanting to feel special, and by being Trans, Non-binary, or Bisexual I would become a type of special again, because I have lost things that have made me special. I need to get over this complex, accept who I am, and not become something for an arbitrary reason; but for a real reason.

Other complexes I have involve not being over Ex-girlfriends or a girl I was pining over who hurt me emotionally. I need move past them to grow, I need to let go them; and any hope of getting back with them, because they aren't the people I fell in love with or thought I was in love with anymore.

Just writing down these thoughts have really helped and I remember looking back at my old journal entries thinking boy I was crazy and now I'm thinking maybe I wasn't as crazy because I got the crazy out of my head and onto paper or you know digital paper lol. Maybe writing out these serious and dangerous thoughts will help me move on and grow as a person and become more so the thoughts and voices can be less dangerous to me.

Also, my DMs are open, if you are struggling like I am; I wouldn't mind trying to help. Thanks for reading and I hope for improved mental health in the future for us struggling with it now.

#Anxiety #Anxiety Prime #Mental Illness #Mental Health Awareness #Mental Health Matters #Mental Health #mental heath support #coping #burnout #Depression #ADHD #bipolar disorder #mental issues #mental wellbeing

[currentlyprocrastinating]

🍂 and 🥀 for the oc ask game :D

🍂 Does your OC enjoy hugs? What do they do as a show of affection for: their friends, their family, their significant other(s) or for strangers? Over all what are they like with recieving affection from others?

🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?

🍂 — I answered this here! Short version? Hugs are one of her favourite things :)

🥀 — Oooh, how fun! She would probably litter it with doodles, whether in the margins, between lines, or on sticky notes she staples to the page. She emphasizes words or sections with boldened lines, different colours, highlights, circles, etc. — whatever she feels fits the particular tone she's aiming for. She'd keep the colours she uses aesthetic, too. For each entry, she would have a certain selection or range of colors she would stick to, so everything looks nice.

The exception would be if she ever recorded something negative or emotionally turbulent. In that case, she'd either use one pen the whole time, or clashing colors to represent how she feels. She's the type of artist who will sometimes doodle nonsense on an entire page to let out emotional energy — sharp, angry lines; loose, mindless scribbles; and so on...

But, from a realistic standpoint, she's not good at consistent journalism. So, she'd probably only ever record significant things in a journal, with some pages of random thoughts sprinkled in for whenever she happened to have the journal nearby and felt like recording the thought.

Squirrel also would definitely have moments of feeling awkward at the start of her entries, before her thoughts roll into motion and things smooth over. Other times, when she's so full of energy, it doesn't even occur to her to feel awkward about writing out her feelings lmao.

Oh, yeah, speaking of writing out her feelings, this could definitely be a place where she could think through things. She does write poetry, but has a specific notebook(s) for that. Sometimes her poetry just turns into talking to the page.

Anyways~

She probably has movie tickets or old receipts from a significant visit to even a place as common as a chain fast-food restaurant — because that was the first time she drove a friend somewhere, or something like that. A lot of seemingly insignificant items that hold sentimental value in her mind. And these particular entries aren't necessarily in chronological order! For the most part, she groups them by event or season, but there's a freedom to not having to stress herself about the particular dates.*

As for an example entry... Well, here's one (off the top of my head :P) from their post-AE vacation :) I imagine she did a lot more journaling (digitally, too, including plenty of photos) than usual during those months!

18 November 2032 — Thursday

lol what if I wrote a love song for lololol would that be crazy or what ahaha.

...what would I say? there's so much TO say. No way in hell am I going the cheesy route, blegh.

I could... be vague. Tell a story, be vague, talk about... Everything. There's too much!! My heart feels full. What do I say? I love him x10000?? LOL a song that is just "I love you." That would be awful. I love you... And his eyes... Ahah, no cheesiness. Um...

Where are my words when I need them? Ugh, why is HE so good with his words? Dude is a verbal poet, it's so not fair.

Girl, just say his name, stop being so weird.

Saeran. Saeran. Saeran. ♡

...I wrote that in pen. Oh no. I CAN'T ERASE.

Uh. Anyway!! Um...

Can't I just steal his talent? Steal his words? I've got my guitar in my lap and I can't even think. I have chords in my head but they're not clicking. Should I start with the WOW. You can't sing AND play a Wind Instrument AT THE SAME TIME, girl! smh, dude.

This is getting me no where. Big sigh. Not even worth exploring this, really... I can't help feeling all flustered when I start thinking too much. lol.

Maybe I'll just stick with hoping one day I'll have the courage to play someone else's love song for him lol

...oh God. has he seen my HS jazz ensemble videos? ARE THOSE PUBLIC? I THINK THEY'RE PUBLIC

FUCK

soRry for swearin g

but FUCK

GAH. Am I weird?? I don't like seeing my own Hands write that word lol...

yeah that's right focus on something else dumbass, not the fact that Ray cyberstalked you and has almost definitely heard your sem1 freshie concert where you FREAKING CAME IN A WHOLE SECOND EARLY

AAAA

Signing off to go scream into the pillow before Sae gets back ㅜwㅜ

bonus, tiny one:

Got my hand stabbed by a potted cactus cos my dumbass tried to catch it when it fell off the display :((

Saeran =tended to my wounds= lol

It was... nice. painful ㅠ but he made everything a lot less worse ♡

[Questions from here!]

#*my uncle does this and has encouraged me to do so as well #ive seen first hand how it brings so much joy to the others tied to those memories #like when he was showing me some of his books- his hubby was right there going 'omg i remember that!!' and such lmaooo #it was great #mystic messenger #mysme #squirrel x saeran #squirrel bakken #mysme-rifters au #rifters #ask game #original character #cmc #my cmc #mammonprotectionsquad

[xtrablak674]

knitboy1

I will be the first to admit it takes less than a blow of the wind for me to get a crush on a man. I have had probably thousand of crushes, some for seconds others spanning years that never reached any kind of fruition. Frankly, I love a crush, its a parasocial relationship that is occurring in your head. #lol The hardest thing can be actually meeting that person if its a digital crush, or for IRL crushes the person calling you out over the crush, or in some instances ignoring it completely and doing things like lifting you up in a bear hug in the reception area of your job! #CJstopthat

John was one of many folks I followed and who followed me back on my old Flickr account (before SmugMug deleted it, with no cause or warning). I think the kids call it mutuals now, and there is an entire subculture about the relationships folks have with their mutuals. These were some of the things playing out with me and a lot of my Flickr mutuals. There was this British guy who was a bit more aggressive and verbal in his feelings, and I would be telling a whole-ass lie if I said I didn't encourage him.

But knitboy1 was a local Brooklyn artist and albeit I am not a fan of plugs, I not only loved his artistic vibe but I thought he was attractive. I could see myself dating him. He was giving you an anti-hipster early Williamsburg vibe, even though he lived in I think Bushwick, a neighborhood that boarded Willysburg. He didn't seem like someone who was outside of my reach, he was attractive but not at a level that I thought he would be slumming in being with me.

Sixteen years ago he actually came to visit me, it was a chaste visit. Both of us with our cameras his a Nikon, mines a Canon the duopoly of camera companies photographers usually falling on one side or another. I can't recall the specifics or the goal of our meeting, it was surely not a sexual rendezvous no matter how much I would have liked that, I think it was a more plutonic meeting of us just exploring what the other was about in person. And most importantly to see if there was any spark, well at least for me.

Alas there wasn't, even though he referred to me as 'handsome' in one of the two photos he posted of me in his streams tags. I wasn't sad as much as disappointed. Sometimes the fantasy in your head seems so real that you wish it would spill over into reality. But most times this is never the case.

Sitting in my window seat doing my morning reading, the last thing I thought of doing was writing a journal entry, but I had opened a new browser window and found this website of knitboy1 and took a look around and seeing on the contact page the reason I couldn't find him on the remaining Flickr account I have is because I forgot the 'one' on his screen-name, it wasn't just knitboy, it was knitboy1. #bingo

I took forty minutes to go through his stream fav'ing photos I had long ago liked, screenshotting a couple of models I still found hot, the bulk of them being his self-portraits. I clearly still find him attractive. It looks like 2017 was the last time he used his Flickr account like so many of us who felt so close during our time in the early and mid-aughts, the platform passing through so many hands since the originators, so many changes and upheavals, we had collectively moved on from this platform which at one time in my life took up so much of my bandwidth.

There were many friendships made during that time, folks that I actually met IRL. My time on the platform gave me the confidence to have a short-lived visual arts artistic career taking my work from a digital space to hang on the walls of brick and mortar galleries and museums all over the country and the world. I had fond memories of this photo-based social media network and not even the deletion of my account could dismiss these warm feelings.

Wanting to get back to reading and sucking up this vitamin D this morning, I decided to send knitboy1 one of the photos I took of him during our all to brief meeting. I had edited it recently for content for my DA account. He hasn't responded yet, and he may not, but you can never know if you don't try. #🤷🏿‍♂️

[Photo by Brown Estate, Bottom Photos by John Brinegar]

#journal entry #mutuals #crushes #flickr #smug mug #social media #parasocial relationships #mutual attraction #friendships #plutonic relationships #complicated relationships #nikon #canon #Bushwick #williamsburg #brooklyn #artist #texture artist #visual artist #throwback #irl #vitamin d #early aughts #yahoo

[aaalanasblog]

Journal Entry #3:

I’ve recently been tasked with eating without using my phone. During these few days of doing so, I’m come up with 3 big conclusions and lessons.

1. I don’t like eating lol 😭

Don’t get me wrong — I LOVE food! I love the taste, finding new foods, trying different types of cuisines. It’s the actual eating part I don’t like. It’s tiring and burdensome. Chewing truly is so monotonous. If I could get all of my nutrients through smoothies or powder mix, I probably would lol.

2. Setting intentions/praying/blessing over things you consume is so important.

Not just food but everything. Drinks, TV, social media, news, day-to-day conversations, etc. — everything should have a purpose or intention. It’s an act of boundary-setting, in my opinion.

For example: I’m lactose intolerant but I love cheese. If I’m eating something with cheese, I will be intentional with saying I want it to digest without pain and without slowing my metabolism.

Another example: I can be a doom-scroller, which in turn affects my mood for an entire day or more. I internalize those feelings and apply them to personal things where they don’t fit. So before I engage with social media or digital conversations, I set an intention of getting positive and productive things out of my digital use; to know when to turn things off or disengage; to know my personal limits before things affect me negatively. I honestly need to start doing this in the morning for the entire day and not just sporadically throughout the day.

3. Eating is a great metaphor for the stages of life!

Good eating habits include: taking reasonable bites so you don’t choke, chewing your food thoroughly before you swallow, leaving some buffer time in-between bites to gauge if you’re actually still hungry or just craving the taste of food (sometimes using water as a variable/proof), and knowing when to end the meal (sometimes having leftovers).

Such important practices of self-awareness, intuition, discernment, self-control/discipline, and sense of autonomy.

You can apply this directly to life!

Taking reasonable bites = knowing your limits on activities, current goals/situations, knowing how to choose what to pursue at a given time

Chewing your food thoroughly = going through everything with 100% effort to reach the end of that stage, not quitting, being aware of surroundings/circumstances

Leaving buffer time = giving yourself time to rest and recharge/re-center before moving onto the next thing, giving yourself space to make a choice on what’s next for you/practicing autonomy

Using water to help gauge the appetite = knowing when to ask for help or engage an outside resource for guidance

Taking that next bite = entering the next stage, doing this process all over again

Knowing when to end the meal = recognizing when things aren’t working, knowing when to regroup, allowing yourself to stop, honoring your boundaries, exercising increased self-awareness, giving the middle finger to burdensome external pressures

And as we know, some bites are bigger than others; requiring more time to chew and longer buffer time.

I say all this to say this: such a little thing as eating builds much larger life skills that can be used every day.

Eating intentionally without distractions builds self-awareness, intuition, discernment, self-control/discipline, and sense of autonomy into your muscle memory. That way when you encounter life doing its big one on you, you’re able to get through it without hurting yourself and with increased health and wellbeing.

I swear, you can really tell I’m a Capricorn rising because the life lessons do be lesson-ing 🤠 (at what cost? lol). I’m thankful though that I can share my lessons at the same time I experience them. Even in a large void like the internet, someone may need this just as much as I do.

Well, until next time! 🫡♥️

#dear diary #life quotes #life lessons #self care #positivity #motivation #motivating quotes

[sasha276]

10/14/2023

My first journal entry on the Tumbler, since August 2022, over a year ago. I have written a bit in a different Tumblr account, because I couldn't remember how to access this one. I may connect that one to this one somehow, at some point.

I will introduce myself, since it's been a loooong while!

My name is Sasha. I'm 43 year old, but I feel a LOT younger. lol Like, a lot. I am married to a great guy, his name is Mark. He's loving, affectionate, supportive - what more could I ask for? I have a 16 year old stepdaughter, Sierra. We have shared legal custody between her Dad, me and her biological Mother. Another important member of the family is Nathan. He IS family to us. I'll talk more about my family situation another time.

Anyway, we bought this single level, ranch style home January 21st 2021. It's a cozy little home. I want to make some more updates to it. I'm sure i'll post more on that, later, as well.

I work full time as a Fraud Claims Evaluator, for Bank of America. I work for BOA, but through a 2nd party company. I've been working here since January 16, 2023. I work from my home office. I love my job!

I am also a full time college student, at Post University, online. I am majoring in psychology. I just got back into college, loving it do far! Next week is the last unit, and then i'll be starting my next unit. This unit I took Digital Skills for College and Career and College Success Seminar. I have a 100% in my Digital Skills class, and 98.24 in my College Success class. I hope I can keep up my grdes/GPA. My next classes are Fundamental of Psychology and College Writing. Looking forward to both!

I had been a homemaker most of my life, but most of the time, i'll admit - not a really good one. I am working on that. I am writing a daily task schedule for myself. I want to get in control of this house and my daily tasks!

Ideal with some health issues, both physical and mental. I'll go more into detail about that another time, too. Saving this blog entry for just the basics! =)

I am using this Tumblr as my personal blog/journal. You don't have to feel obligated to read it. I'm doing this for me. But, I welcome you to read through, if you are interested.

About me..

I'm 5'4" and 269.4 pounds, as of today. I had lost weight and was down to 250's, but then I have regained. I'm a size 2X right now. Clothes are a bit snugger than they were at 255, though. That is yet another topic that I will ramble on about another time. lol Anyway, to finish my description... I have blue eyes, though I sometimes wish they were honey/golden brown. Don't get me wrong, I love my eyes. But I really love gold/honey eyes. I am a redhead. From a bottle. lol My natural color was considered a dark reddish blonde. Although, I always considered it a light reddish brown. I have redhead complection, complete with freckles. lol Small up top, big booty. How's that from an honest and open description. lol

Some of my interests and hobbies include... Swimming, camping, short hikes, drinking beer around the fire pit, going out for drinks or sushi, gardening, poetry, cooking, decorating, shopping and thrift shopping, photography, writing, learning new things, seeing new places, long drives/road trips, the beach, palm trees, the mountains, waterfalls, psychology, forensics, true crime shows and documentaries, roses - especially those that I grow in my garden, old cemeteries, inspirational and motivational quotes.

I was reading through some of my older posts. It's interesting to see how much everything has changed. And, I realized how many typos I had in my posts! If there are typos in this one, i'm sorry ahead of time. lol I don't feel like going back over this post at the moment.

......More Later!

#psychology major #psychology #introduction

[wtfuggg]

1st?

Writing this for myself. I think. I don't really know what I'm doing starting this; probably the same reason that I've bought 6 journals from Whitcoulls and not once have I made it past 4 entries. I think I love the idea of having my thoughts in one place so I can reflect back and see what I thought at a specific time. Such a shame my memory stretches back to max last weekend.

Like, my memory now is horrifically bad. I don't even recall what I had for lunch yesterday, let along what I did at work today. My grandma had Alzheimers, so maybe it's started making its way down to me. Finger's crossed it isn't but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised, I feel like my dad's side of the genetics (aka my fucked up hairline) is predominent in my make up. Sad right?

Anyways, I wish I could just reflect back on my life and instantly recall what I felt. I wish I could look back in time and remember what I thought when I was in the closet? Or what I felt when my mum passed away? Or when I was in love with my best friend's American flatmate? God I wish I had written down my thoughts more often, time is flying by incredibly fucking fast. And it's scary. And it's daunting. And its all the synonyms of "frightening" you can think of.

Here goes my first entry. Digital this time, so maybe I wont be as ceebs when it comes to this in comparison to when I grab a pen and paper and I feel like I'm in an indie little film x

Bur for real, I wanna start this little blog off with how I'm, feeling right now. Right now is Friday the 15th of September 2023. A week prior to my one year anniversary at work. A year and a month since I've moved to Auckland. 2 years since I graduated uni. 2 years since my mum died. 3 years since covid. God, isn't it weird how you think of time through milestones? Like why can't everyday just be a milestone. I guess its self explanatory - and I guess I'm only frustrated that I can't remember my life.

I'm already ceebs writing this not gonna lie hahahaha, but I'm gonna push through but maybe I break this down into more bit sized chunks. Next one I'll do a piece on how I push people away, maybe sprinkle a little bit of self pity and self loathing into that one xox

Right now, I feel like I'm going through it - but not in the same way that I've gone through it in the past. I think it's some sort of growth, but I couldn't be certain. I really have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could say. I mean a few nights ago, I was ranting to my flatmate how I'd wanna go back to Christianity, then the following day I was sending Gavin Caselegno messages asking him for dick pics? Like I cant seem to make my mind up. God it must be so exhausting to be around me. I pity myself. I pity anyone around me to be honest. Don't think anyone should be around me. Why? Cause I'm fucking up and down man, every single day. I could be happy one moment and be depressed as fuck the next. It's a constant cycle of being inconsistent. If it's tiring for me, I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for anyone in close proximity to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this too much. No one actually cares. Genuinely no one. So maybe I just live my life how I wanna live it lol.

I think it's all catching up to me - being indecisive that is. I feel my entire life has been a mask - I don't really know myself and thats why I cant control my emotions. In fact, for a little while i thought everyone was faking their emotions cause i didnt feel any. Probably up until 2021, I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with me cause I never felt any 'real' emotion. Or If i did, I didn't think they were real, or I didn't have the emotional capacity to rationalise them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel all the emotions, but empathy is something I dont think I have.

That's another thing too. I'm so fucking selfish its insane hahahaha, Like I feel like I'm only ever concerned about myself. But so be it, am i right? No one's ever been there for me. Friends drift away, relationships drift away, even family, who i thought would be forever.. also drift away.. how fucking sad hey. Mateeeee honestly now that I'm starting to unpack this I feel like this will take way longer than anticipated lol. maybe this can be my little therapy book x

Kinda tired writing - so maybe i give this up and save it for another time. My flatmates are also watching a fucking show and I can't sleep and its grinding my gears damn. Anyways, okay signing off. Gonna check back in soon x

[outofcontexturi]

wed aug 23 2023 10:15am journal

maybe I should consider using astrology to help me understand myself better but not to the extent of recruiting generalisations of signs and aspects that represent my birth chart as an indicator to my success or not. I have to remember that whatever I believe to be true also exists and that astrological predictions aren’t also accurate and that they’re predictions for a reason not facts. I’m living midly/low comfortably. I want to be living high/great comfortably. I thank God for the strong mental fortitude he’s offered me. I probably would’ve killed my self if I wasn’t strong enough. one of my closest friends stopped speaking to me recently. I’m not working regularly. I need to pay bills. we’re still in a cost of living crisis. I have a task to transform my life into what I want to it be and if the people around me don’t support or want to be around so be it. I’ll find others who will support me. But one things for sure and it’s I’m seeing everything I set out to see. I truly believe I’m going to. This last month or so has been a awkward limbo. But talking to people and it feels like a lot of us are in the same boat. I haven’t found the thing that works for me yet but I’m in the pursuit of it and that’s a start. I have to start somewhere. I think less time on Instagram and Twitter would be a good thing especially when I have so much time on my hands. Tumblr seems to be the only place I feel I can express my ideas. And where I’m not constantly bombarded with someone else’s lifestyle even though it’s an app where multiple pictures and users are found like a Twitter or an Instagram, it just feels different. That’s why I like it. I also just get to have a diary entry of my time here on earth which is cool. My digital footprint left on here. Nice. The more I read other people’s blogs about how they attained their wealth/success I’ve noticed a pattern in how so many of them say they suffered to get there. Maybe that’s where I am now. I’m in the process of “suffering” and if this is my suffering to get to where I want/need to get to to see nirvana on earth then so be it. I’ll go thru the fire. I think I’m trying as much as possible not to feel the pain of rejection but like all I’ve known since I’ve left drama school is rejection. I’ve had agents reject me, I’ve had job applications reject me, I clearly had friends who no longer want me, I’m doing rather good as far as suffering goes lol. Growth requires suffering. it’s probably why they call it growing pains. One of my redeeming traits is my positive outlook. I believe things will get better. I believe so because I’ve seen it happen to others around me and I’ve also been in situations that have seemed dire but have transformed my life for the better. My road to drama school wasn’t easy. The application process and the audition processes and the long months of waiting to hear back as well as hearing others had already got in. Things get better. It’s life. I do not for a single second believe I’m unfortunate. I’m greatly fortunate. My suffering is simply lessons I must go thru to impart on to someone else to help them understand life. But I’m very very fortunate. Fortune is stuck to me forever. I’d take offence to someone telling me I’m unfortunate. I really thank God that I’m thinking more wiser. I can clearly feel the growth. It’s 10:58am. 59 now. I need to bath and eat breakfast. I’ve been journalling for a while now. Time to make a move.

#journal

[nickthesix]

Journal Entry Post

The month of April, I chose this photo cause we did a step show and I love my chapter Sigma Delta Delta (FAU) got to spend time with a majority of them. The class I took was Product & Artist Management and honestly it made me think about myself and what I want moving forward with my music career. First I started learning about Leadership Situations and in the entertainment industry there is a lot depending on the company/situation or however you maneuver as a person. Learnt about show business as well and just to give a small reminder show business is everybody that takes part in the creation from beginning to the end, plus it's also what happens in the final, the performance or the final showing that's what make show business what it is. So really it's a team, never really just one person doing all the work themselves, makes me reevaluate who I have in my circle and who I communicate with and work with. Plus this month we took a deeper look into Talent Agencies and management firms to understand how did they get this far and where they came from. So just learning about that, made me open my eyes and say that we all can connect even if we have different ventures and ideas, we can all become one great team together. It just takes someone who believes in you and wants the best for you just like you, plus someone in your team having the experience helps even more or getting someone with the experience in it. Also putting more effort into my digital portfolio that something that shows people your page, your brand and what you stand for. Lastly learning about how there's many ways in the music/entertaining industry that they cross reference and built more companies or even help each other. In the industry there's many ways you can make it, you just have to be you. Never forget you are different and that's a good thing it's what differentiates you from other people music, entertainment, even looks wise (unless you are a twin lol).

[inmyheadandthoughts]

14 November 2022

I have no idea if i’ll keep this up but...here we go. Hello to a new digital journal of sorts. I realised that my hands hurt more when writing than when typing (and my typing moves faster than writing which is great for my brain which rapid-fires sentences so much so that my hands cannot keep up), so i’m beginning to port all of my journal in here. TW// before i continue and if anyone is reading this, this blog will have mentions of anxiety, depression, the desire to end one’s life, self-harm, all that jazz. Yall know how it is on here, so just a heads up.

Why post a journal on a public domain?? I write my journals in a tone that is very aware of an audience for some reason (even when i keep all my entries to myself, is that weird?), so might as well just put it out there. I think i just needed a space to vent, and partly because i was inspired by Baek Se-Hee’s I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki - before the publication of her book she wrote alot of her thoughts online. And i’m just like, damn...that takes a lot of courage, to let people in on your inner thoughts. But perhaps it is almost comforting to do that in an almost-anonymous space. And if it resonates with strangers then...i guess that’s the beauty of the internet perhaps.

I’m trying very hard not to start this first entry on a morose note, but then again this journal is going to be very morose anyway. So...if anyone happens upon this blog, you know what to expect. I shan’t ramble today though - i’ve been falling sick and had a covid scare 3 times in 2 days (thankfully i’m still negative, we shall see the next day). And i’ve been wanting to write this in my journal for a long time now, but i think it’s burnout. I’ve never been this stressed out about a job (my “normal” levels already hover around “tense” and “overwhelmed”), but more so for this particular one. It’s almost as if someone is constantly watching over my back and waiting for me to make a mistake and embarrass me in front of the whole company and i’ll never get to come back from said mistake (which is what?? The only event in which that would happen is if i maybe embezzle funds or do some white-collar crime shit. Which obviously would never happen but i keep thinking about it, of course.) 

But anyway back to the situation that is burnout. It’s so obvious and yet i can’t quit - yet. For one it’s been getting more and more difficult to find a job in this economy and it’s...tiring. Everyday i question if i’m fit enough to do this professionally and i’ve been in this industry for 4+ years. Imposter syndrome will never go away it seems - and that feeds into my cycle of anxiety and depression (i want to be careful with using these words because i’ve never been formally diagnosed even if the symptoms are glaring, which brings me to another point i will address later on) and hence, burnout. Add social anxiety to the mix and you’ve got a whole killer cocktail of nerves and clenched jaws and i can never relax. Maybe on the weekends - but when i want to relax i remember that maybe i should call my friends to hang out but i don’t because i don’t know if they’ll want to see me. Returning to Baek Se-Hee’s book (god, i relate so much almost every page has a highlight/bookmark), it’s probably really just(?) my low self-esteem. And try as i might (i went to therapy for 2 years between mid-209 to late 2021) i wasn’t successful in even beginning to see the other side of the coin, which makes me incredibly guilty for not doing so. Why did i waste my money (damn therapy is expensive; it will never be subsidised in my country) and my therapist’s time? I’ve also been so forgetful that i almost never remember to do my therapy homework or i’ll do it and sweep in under rug of my brain (which was also the reason why i’d stopped going abruptly, the other reason being money lol). So...(i lost my train of thought. This happens frequently in my journals and i often chastise myself for not concluding entries properly. For what reason, i myself am unsure) 

Ah yes, my point was that maybe i want to take the money i “saved” from not going to therapy all these months to see if i can get formally diagnosed. For some reason i feel like test results would come back fine and the medical staff would just be like “why would you fake it? Were you going to use your fake-diagnosis as an excuse for your behaviour?” something along those lines. Maybe it’s just me and my problematic attitude (which i’ll try to explain and unpack perhaps.) But yeah i don’t know (i say this a lot as well, haha i really don’t know a lot of things LOL), maybe it might be a relief, regardless of the outcome of any diagnosis. Something tells me something is (almost) evidently wrong, but something tells me otherwise and that i’m faking it as an excuse, that maybe everyone is truly this miserable and i’m just not strong enough to cope well with it and get on with life. But if that were truly the case i’d not get on with it and find any means to an end, literally.

#journal

[vjournals]

04/07/22 entry #1

I've decided to start this blog, as a digital journal. Easier for me to keep up with than a physical journal, easier to look back at. I'll include poems, freewriting, journal entries, photos, whatever I want.

I broke up with J on Saturday. Friday night we had a "sexy" party at my house, with my house mates and their plus ones. We were in the mood for some slutty vibes, after hearing about Roe vs Wade being overturned in the US. I invited J. He got very very drunk very quickly. He was stumbling mumbling all over the place and acting like a complete fool. I was like 'whatever' though. I am not him, if he wants to be drunk and embarrass himself, whatever. However, it got to a point he was embarrassing me as well. I told him before we went, please be 'PC', no edgy jokes, no sexual innuendo. My friends are sensitive and would not appreciate that sort of humour. He forgot about this apparently kept trying to act inappropriate with people. He groped my housemates boyfriends ass without his consent, making him feel really uncomfortable. I tried to get him to go to sleep as he was acting really crazy drunk, super out of it., he kept refusing to. I pushed him on the bed. It was the wrong thing to do. I feel bad looking back, but he was harassing people and was out of his mind drunk, he really just needed to sleep, he could hardly stand up right. He kept taking other peoples drinks and asking to go to the Bottle-O. I kept screaming at him that I was embarrassed by him. He asked 'why are you being so mean'. I thought I was in the wrong. Until the next morning my housemate texted me saying she isn't comfortable being around him again when he's drunk, because he made a lot of people uncomfortable with his crude sexual language, staring, and groping. I felt angry and disgusted. I broke up with him right there.

The thing is though, part of me doesn't want to break up with him. He acts completely HORRIBLE when he's drunk, but when he's sober, he is my best friend. I haven't gotten on with someone like I do with him, in so so long. I'm going to miss our connection. So comfortable. I laugh soso much. So much more than I ever have with anyone. We were meant to go Tasmania together. What am I going to do about the money I put in for that. I just checked - I only put in $40 so far. Fuck that lol. If I can't get it back, idm.

Gonna go to melbourne hotsprings or somehting instead.

#journal #1 #break up #j

[healinghamster]

fri june 17

mood: ?/5 spoons: 1/5 pain: 2/5

long time no see! probably... i am still on a half-hiatus but i do want to cocntinue my small journal entries so here i am.

i can't say i was doing good recently as seen by my absence. i just did homework, went to work, came back home and sometimes cried, that's it. depression and brain fog seem to be strong so i have very few spoons currently.

but i also noticed that when i am depressed just like a lot of other people, i tend to self-isolate as a punishment. it is not like i don't want to talk to people, but it feels like i am burden for just going outside which is obviously not the mindset i would like to have. so lately i have been trying to socialise at least digitally - calling my parents (i live abroad apart from them :() more often, texting my friends and replying silly things to their insta stories, i joined a discord server with fun people and i have been trying to get into acnh community for a while (which is hard to do when i don't have time to play acnh lol)

anyways, i have been making efforts to overcome this specific behavior of mine in the long run because i actually like socialising even if i am awkward and socially anxious. i like being with people...it feels like i am a rat (i am small and dog-like lol also my friends have been calling me hamster for god knows how long hence the handle).

i have a lotttttttttttt of brain fog right now so i don't even know if this makes sense but since i got a little bit more time i'll try to post updates!

#hamjournal #healing #personal

[academiario]

Blog Introduction (●’◡’●)ﾉ

Blog started: 2021

Hello everyone!! This is a new account so I thought I would do an introduction for my blog so I’d get to know more people! Ask and message are open, feel free to message me or send an anonymous ask (even if we’re not mutuals!) ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

About Me:

You can call me Rio

My pronouns are she/her

Based in New York City

I can speak English, Filipino, and Bikol

Tracking: #academiario

Academics:

Currently on a gap year

My favorite subjects were math and (organic) chemistry

Interests/Hobbies:

Museums and parks

The sky (clouds, rain, snow, sunshine, moon, etc)

Mountains

The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings

Journaling and taking pictures (film and digital)

Nature and animal documentaries (no bugs though)

Thrifting

Jazz, 50s, classical music, kpop, pop, filipino rap/hiphop, etc (it changes a lot lol)

People who are passionate

Mental health and medicine

Watching medical shows like New Amsterdam, The Resident, and The Good Doctor.

I recently started watching Indiana Jones, National Treasure, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Star Trek.

Content:

Studyblr / bullet journal

Light academia / dark academia

Cottagecore / naturecore / hobbitcore

Positivity / mental health

Cute / wholesome things

The Hobbit /Lord of the Rings (I always tag my Tolkien reblogs so mute #the hobbit and #lotr if you don’t want to see those)

Original content: journal entries, book reviews, new york city, museums, parks, academic related posts when I start school, random things, etc. (all pictures i post are mine)

Why a Studyblr/Cottagecore?

Motivation  

Community!! (ノ°▽°)ノ

Inspiration:

@earthy-academia @medicinestudies @sonderstudy @philology-studies @studyingwithmi @universi-tea @stillstudies @studydiaryofamedstudent @studyambitiouss @enfleures @studeeon @academilktea

@fraises-et-fleurs @cottageqore @cottagefairee @ladycottagecore @twimmythebabywitch @cottagecoredreams @cupidsgore @mossy-woods

*I always tag things, so if you feel like I post too much of a certain thing feel free to mute it!

**I’m really inconsistent and shy (and I also have anxiety) though I’m trying to change that, and I just want to let people know that if I don’t reply for a bit I’m not mad, I probably just forgot or feel overwhelmed, just a quick psa before I hope to build new tumblr friendships! ♡︎

Reblog/like if you’re a studyblr, bujo, cottagecore, light/dark academia, etc! My blog is a safe space for everyone: lgbtq+, poc, minors, etc!

#academiario #studyblr #studyblr introduction #studyblr intro #studyblr intro post #light academia #dark academia #cottagecore #naturecore #bujo #bullet journal #studyspo #study inspo #studying #study movitation #study mood #university #new study blog