#mental illness is fun because it makes things just........disappear from my mind sometimes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rose-lunaire · 7 months

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May I ask for overall dating Bedelia headcannons? What is she like in the relationship etc. Thank you 🙏🏻😊

i have to say i was surprised to see how little content there is about her, really. so i’m very grateful for this ask, hope it’s what you were looking for, enjoy! i wanted to write about her from a broader perspective, so i hope you don’t mind i altered the ask a little bit

pairing: bedelia du maurier x gn!reader

warnings: mention of mental illness

bedelia du maurier sfw dating alphabet

a - asking out

as much as i believe in bedelia’s confidence, it was you who made the defining move. you met at a charity gala on a chilly evening in september. the first round of champagne has been distributed and bedelia found herself finished greeting all of her acquaintances, her gaze suddenly drawn to an unknown figure. pushed by an invisible force, nearly ran in your direction. “oh, i’m so sorry, i mistook you for one of my old friends!” it was a lame attempt in masking her excitement, but you just laughed and introduced yourself. as the evening passed you ended up gravitating towards each other multiple times. it was almost surreal, you gave in to the urge to finally ask her out

b - best friend

the connection between you is undeniable, it runs deeper than simple attraction. bedelia is an attentive listener and there was something about her that made you trust her completely. it’s your weekly ritual to dish out the juiciest gossip on saturday dinners. it’s always fun to make fun all your pretentious colleagues and drink good wine. there is always an atmosphere of warmth and trust when you hang out together. you don’t need anyone else in your life, because you just found true love in your soulmate’s embrace

c - cooking

i feel like she isn’t a fan of cooking. it feels mundane and messy for her. hates cleaning afterwards. she can make simple things or prepare a beautiful charcuterie board but that’s it. that’s not to say she doesn’t enjoy fancy food; you both will explore all restaurants in the neighbourhood, searching for the perfect place to relax after a long day of work. sometimes you’re both too tired to go out and end up snacking in the kitchen, laughing at bedelia’s attempts at cooking dinner. in the end it always tastes good because of how much fun you had preparing it (and thanks to your life-saving cooking skills)

d - date time!

at first you mingled at many social events, sometimes dancing under the scrutinising gazes of other guests. as your connection deepened, you opted for coziness of your houses. you lost track of passing days, the whole world seemingly disappearing for the time of your dates. bedelia doesn’t like planning many things ahead as her schedule changes frequently. quite early on you got the spare key to her home, hanging out anytime you got. the setting doesn’t have to be special for you two, the sheer company makes for unforgettable time

e - escapism, exploring the enchanted gardens

for bedelia, the only thing that can measure up to your beauty are flowers. on gloomy days you would visit local botanical gardens or orangeries. the humid air and heart-fluttering scent make of a unique atmosphere so unreal and mystical, you can forget all the mundane earthly worries. you dive into the feeling, savouring the serenity in your lover’s eyes: a sight so rare and precious to your heart

f - favourite part

her favourite part of you is your hands. the light squeezes and feather-like brushes of the knuckles, it grounds her and never fails to make her heart flutter. bedelia would trace your callouses, detailed lines on your palms searching for peace after a difficult day. loves the way your hands fit together. eager to adorn your hand with a promise ring

g - gifts

bedelia is a big spender and you can’t convince me otherwise. will buy you gifts any chance she gets, ranging from your favourite pastry on a sunday breakfast to a gold pendant she saw on a shopping spree. expect countless items related to your hobbies appearing on your shelf. it’s always something thoughtful and not over-the-top. you once scolded her careless shopping habits and now she’s bit better with limiting herself. but she just loves you so much, there’s no stopping bedelia from splurging on your birthday

h - holidays

i would say her favourite holiday is the summer vacation. she enjoys the warm evenings filled with mellow jazz and good rosé. it usually means less work and more time to spend with you. it’s the season for oversized sunglasses and strapless dresses. evening seem to stretch on forever, filled with your soft laughter and your cheeks flushed from the heat.

i - illness

gets sick easily, especially in autumn. with meeting a lot of people come consequences, but with years she got better with masking her own struggles to focus on helping the other person. if you notice her sneezing, she will dismiss it as dust allergy or something. bedelia enjoys being pampered as long as it doesn't get in the way of her work. pro tip: reschedule all her meetings before she has the chance to protest!

j - jealous, jealous girl! does she get jealous easily? how does she react to you being jealous?

she despises seeing you jealous. for her it’s a symptom of distrust, which she fears the most in a relationship. but sometimes it can’t be avoided: once a waiter slipped a note into her hand and bedelia made a show out of turning him down. she was shocked to see a shadow of a frown if your face. “what’s wrong, dear?”was her voice a little too loud, she wondered. “it was cruel. i wish people knew you’re mine and stop doing such things.” it was hard for the blonde to hide the smirk forming on her lips.

k - kisses

kisses with bedelia are short but sensual. they leave you wanting more and yearning for her touch. like everything with her, they’re playful yet almost dignified. the way she places her thumb under your eye, studying the depth of your orbs. how your hips touch as your bodies slowly melt into each other and the surrounding fade away. her breath is hungry, she’s feeding off your desperation. with nowhere to run, you’re savouring every second.

l - love language

words of affirmation are a must. as a psychiatrist she understands the importance of communication and wants you to know how much you mean to her. it’s just.. her emotions are so strong and bedelia wants you to know just how much you mean for her, her efforts seem a bit messy and the message doesn’t really get through. there’s just so much she wants to tell you on the daily basis.

m - mornings

hates to waste time in morning. not to say she’s an early bird, she hates the way her joints feel heavy and her gaze blurs at the bright sunlight. it’s like the nature is playing a joke on her clouded mind. her days are filled with rummaging through people’s darkest memories and pristine mornings seem like an ironic prelude. however, her attitude changed when you moved in with her. now the sharp rays are the signal to let go of your body, start of missing your warmth and calming scent. but seeing you rub your eyes sleepily makes bedelia forget all about it

n - nicknames

for you: duckling! there’s a cute story behind it. there was a cocktail party hannibal was hosting and you both couldn’t miss for the world. unfortunately you barely knew any guests and just followed bedelia anywhere she went. during the dinner you observed her manners intently, faithfully copying her every move. when came the time to chat with host, hannibal greeted you by saying “and who is the lovely duckling following you around, bedelia?”

for her: snowflake! cold and unique, bedelia is an unattainable treasure for most people. some tried holding her tightly, but it resulted in losing her momentarily. you were the one she graced with her beauty, the one who saw her true nature and didn’t try to melt her icy exterior. you loved all her sharp edges and intricate patterns

o - open book, how open is she about her past, her struggles?

to be honest she doesn’t like discussing her past. it’s complicated and painful so she doesn’t want to burden you with unnecessary knowledge. but if you as for something in a straightforward manner, she will probably confess what’s on her mind. just don’t press too hard as she feels more comfortable helping with your struggles. during some late-night talks like this she will also unveil a bit of her struggles, so listen carefully then and hug her tightly

p - pda (public display of affection)

melts every time you greet her with a kiss on the cheek. it’s subtle and cute, but during a dinner party it can reassure her deeply. sometimes she would squeeze your ring finger to catch your attention. no one needs big embraces or french kisses to see how madly in love and committed you are to each other. it’s the stolen moments by the bathroom giggling and staring contests across the ballroom. a smile so bright each moment your hands are intertwined. it doesn’t take a detective to tell how much in love you are

q - quiz time! how much does she know and remember about you?

queen of small gestures. once again, it’s her job to remember personal information and uses it to her advantage. that blue shirt you liked on instagram? she will paint the bedroom walls with this colour. in the early stages of your relationship she exhausted all sources to find more information about you. it’s gotten to the point when you want to tell her a story from your childhood and she just goes “oh, i remember that one” even though you don’t remember telling her about this detail

r - romance

she has a very alluring aura and in addition to that, bedelia has an immense knowledge about relationships. she has seen the most toxic unions as well as pure platonic couples through her career. she knows exactly what to not do, but barely what how she actually wants to treat you. she’s not big on over-the-top gestures and splurging on gifts. firm believer in quality time! she goes relatively fast in the relation, which doesn’t make her intentions less genuine. she would never admit that she fell for you at the first sight, but bedelia was sure the moment she saw you.

s - sense of security

constantly being around unstable individuals, hell, being held hostage as hannibal’s wife, i took a big toll on her well-being. when he’s in jail, it’s like something is missing. the lack of adrenaline felt foreign, so i feel like she would look for it in a relationship. borderline unhealthy attraction to scheming, games of cat and mouse. keeps life interesting until there is mutual trust within the relationship. keep each other on your toes while holding hands tightly.

t - temper

i would say she’s a stoic person, to the point it’s unsettling. when provoked, her rage manifest as an icy, calculated cruelty. she knows how to hurt a person on a spiritual level and they won’t notice until it hits them bad. bedelia is like a dormant volcano, full of mystery and unspoken wishes. the first time you’ve ever seen her angry was when hannibal escaped prison. the animalistic look in her eyes made you want to flee. moment like these, she’s like a venomous snake, quietly contemplating whether to spare her prey.

u - unwinding

i guess that she host her psychiatric sessions in her house, so the building has a strong stressful connotation. but it was like she haven’t noticed; always reading in her living room, excusing herself from other plans to stay at home and rest. you made it your point to change her habit. you started to plan dates outside, dragging bedelia to the lakeside and taking her on long walks to talk about her feelings. that’s also the reason you eat out so much. it’s become your tradition to go to the seaside once in a while

v - vanity, is she concerned about her looks? and what would people think?

she likes to look her best every day, reliable and charming attire is her signature. adores accessories and the days when her hair curl perfectly. her whole image is meticulously crafted during her years as a therapist. it makes her feel empowered during difficult moments. bedelia wants to look reliable and a little unattainable. the layers of silk make for an intricate armour and tease

w - warmth and wishes

“well, and what did you pray for?” she asked, ushering you to the side, a playful smile lingering on her lips. the birthday cake was long forgotten, but the sight of your hopeful eyes wouldn’t leave bedelia’s thoughts. you’re not supposed to share the wish with anyone, but this time you would make an exception. you look at girlfriend and confess with a hushed voice. “i asked that you would believe me.” her baffled expression begged for more. “it’s just… i love you so much and i can’t stand the way you dismiss my praises. the only thing i care about in this world is your happiness. so give it to me, it’s my birthday after all.” you chuckled, tears threatening to fall from your eyes. “then who am i to deny your wish, duckling?”

x - xtra, random headcanon for you!

has a collection of silk scarves, once someone told her they carry scent the best, so she can enjoy her favourite perfumes even more. also, bedelia likes to match the colours and patterns to how the scent makes her feel: musk fits embroidery, floral patterns with fresh aromas etc. she would gift you one for your anniversary, so you can have a part of her always with you. if there is a challenging day looming before her, she would take the scarf from you to feel your scent throughout the day.

y - yuck! absolute no-no in the relationship

incompetence and helplessness. she had enough of desperate individuals in her lifetime and craves for a partner, not another patient. someone to ground her, remind of what’s real, present. another big turn-off is a lot of secrets. as it may be thrilling to play games sometimes, she is not keen on uncertainty and insincere gestures. she’s sure about the relationship with you, so don’t make the mistake of doubting it.

z - zzz… sleeping habits!

as i mentioned previously, bedelia has a hard time falling asleep. sometimes it takes a chamomile tea before bed or a heart-to-heart at two am. she wouldn’t want to burden you with her struggles, but with time you’ve started to recognise her breathing patterns. after a while you just cuddle her and softly ask what’s bothering her so late at night. she never snores, but trashes a lot. needs something to hug, either your arm or her favourite pillow

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dcwnthercbbithcle · 3 months

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Do you have any unhinged Doe headcanons you've thought of so far?

WELL— Yes and no! Doe is a tough cookie! She's not deranged to the extent of Sally & Evan and that much is by design. She's like, have you ever seen Scream 5 or 6?

She's more of a Samantha Carpenter-type character in that, yes, she's a little unhinged, eccentric, very obviously traumatized and mentally ill, has internalized a lot of things that really aren't her fault, and needs DESPERATE help and intervention. BUT, but but but, she's largely harmless unless she's genuinely pushed to violence with no option (at least in her mind) of either fighting or dying.

So her levels of unhinged, all things considered, are a lot tamer where violence and murder apply and rely heavily on what point of time you find her / what level of fear & paranoia she has succumbed to!

But that’s just semantics! When I think unhinged, my mind jumps less to ‘Reasons People Will Inherently Think You’re Dangerous’ (an unfortunate but legitimate reality for Doe, who has to contend with mental health ignorance on top of everything else going on with her, which leaves her behaviour in a fog of misunderstanding bit I digress)

And I’m thinking more on the verge of ‘Chaotic Nonsense’ so with this in mind! These are some of my off-the-wall headcanons for Miss. Doebra! Haha

GRADUATED WITH HONORS FROM THE MYERS SCHOOL OF DISAPPEARING. I don't even mean this in the literal interpretation of becoming a missing person; I mean, if you turn away from her to pay attention to something else, she's mastered the art of stealth, booking it out of sight. Where did she go? Why did she run? Who knows!

Sometimes, it's a very personal matter; she's overwhelmed, maybe she's just outright flustered and not ready to show the vulnerability of expressing her emotions genuinely without the veils of the role-playing, people-pleasing masks she wears.

BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUST TO BE A PAIN FOR THE OTHER SURVIVORS. It's to play tricks, to have fun (in short bursts), Doe is theatrical and full of energy. She's definitely the sort to give people a fright to get a laugh out of their reaction or to demonstrate her prowess in knowing all the nooks and crannies of a building.

BUT ALSO TO CAUSE DISTRESS, Doe likes escaping the chase, not just because it means she's in the clear for a time, but rather because she knows it's frustrating and even distressing for the people after her.

When she can disappear & lead killers to be tangled into her traps, only to fade into the darkness, mocking them with the sounds of her footsteps but no scratch marks or hint of where she is. She's asserting her dominance by scampering off to reset her traps & lay in wait, ready to pop out for a save & steal their attention or simply start a false trail to buy her time on a separate objective. Doe is pulling a very to-the-point fuck you to the killers. She isn't a fish in a barrel. If they want a hunt, they'll get a hunt they must work for. She is equal in all but having a weapon, she knows these grounds, she knows them to a superficial extent & depending on the players she's with, she's ready to try and turn the tables and hunt the hunters. Game on assholes. Y'know??

DOE MAY BE A SURVIVOR & VERY LITERALLY A LAMB TO THE SLAUGHTER (if you take both of her name meanings into play), BUT SHE HAS BITE AND SPITE! She's a chihuahua compared to the killers, but anyone who's been bitten by a small dog can tell you: SHIT STILL HURTS. AND DOE? Doe is determined to make things just as painful for the people after her in most cases. MOST because some killers do own her heart and have enough sympathy for her to not pull her tricks against them. (PHIL & RIN COUGH COUGH)

SO I'VE TALKED AT LENGTH ABOUT DOE STEALING FROM THE KILLERS TO GET SUPPLIES AND WHATNOT, but what does she do with the excess? Well, you know the meme of the survivor store in games with flashlights and whatnot? She has one SET UP at her little hideaway, a stone's throw from the campfire where her corpse lays undiscovered and where she used to watch the survivors from before she was able to understand they didn't want to hurt her, and they both earned each other trust. She doesn't actually charge money for anything she's gathered during her runs into the killer's territory and her times stalking after them. It's a 'take what you need, leave what you can' type of honour system. BUT STILL, SHE'S MADE A STORE

DOE IS MOST LIKELY TO GET STUCK IN THINGS, not in the 'oh no step-bro' way but in the 'a raccoon found a hole, has gotten in, can't get back out and is now scratching at the walls from the inside' kind of way! Doe has been saved from a very dull, painful death by the Entity on many occasions when she's tried to raccoon into a map only to get trapped. Sometimes, the killers find her, but most times, they don't, and she's left to wait in silence and darkness, sitting with her decisions until the Entity summons her for another trial.

DOE IS ALSO A DORK, AN ART NERD & CERTIFIED COMPUTER / EARLY GAMING DWEEB. Please get her started. It would be hilarious; she's so passionate that even her Aphasia can't stop her. Her words will start slurring as she keeps going, and she's starting to go non-verbal as it becomes intensely difficult but she is GESTURING WILDLY AND PASSIONATELY SHE LOVES IT

Doe's friend's enemies are her enemies, hands down. Doe is an open-minded girl, at least to the point where she'll be willing to put on an amiable mask in their presence, but she doesn't forgive & she's first to establish petty revenge in honour of her pals, whether they ask her to or not. SADHASHD

One of Doe's pals had a nasty ex who cheated on them, but they run in the same circles. Doe keeps her little ear out, peeping at the growing gossip but making sure none of the mess gets back to her poor pal, who's still hurting. Oh? They have a trip with their friends planned overseas, years in the making? How good for them! It would be a massive shame if someone would, oh, I don't know, tip off the TSA that they're carrying party starters on them, causing the entire plan to fall through and them to be placed into custody. That would be AWFUL.

Doe would not only do all of that but watch the fire and then bring the ashes to her pals to cheer them up on a rainy day when they're left feeling like they're facing the worst of the world while others go scot-free.

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atlasscrumpit · 2 years

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Avengers x Reader

(A story I wrote a while back my first story I wrote with my alters)

Shadow POV

You don't become a multiversal villain from a happy fucking childhood.

As you get older you realise the villains in comic books usually had it fucking right, and the heroes were blinded by 'goodness' and all that crappy bullshit. Heroes will say they've been through a lot, that they've been through trauma. Please, don't make me laugh. You think just because Steve Rogers was frozen for a couple of years he's seen trauma? You're pathetic if you sympathise him.

Villain is such a nasty word school yard taunts really. I'm just a person who see's things clearer than others, someone who's been to all corners of most universes. Yeah, you see some shit being as old as I am.

I was alone in my penthouse in the middle of New York City, I can travel the multiverse I can go wherever I want. But I like being here where the Avengers are, it's always fun to mess with them in some way or another.

I sat down in my favourite green leather chair and sighed. I had a glass of whiskey in my hand as I swirled it gently.

I groaned trying to ignore the voices in my head.

"Big surprise, the villain is mentally ill." I growled looking down at the glass in my hand.

"We aren't all villains in this one body, some of us are some of us aren't. Yeah this body is basically just a hotel, I lost count of how many different souls there are in this body. Good thing is, we can change how we look, depending on who's in control we can change to how we see ourselves. Which sucks sometimes because two of us are children, easier to hurt if we get captured. Only reason we are all here is because of one girl, Molly. She's the owner of this body, when she was five she went through something, something that changed her forever. Somehow she had the power to reach to all different sides of all different realities and take souls. Drawing them into her one body so she could escape to the safety of her own mind. I'm one of them she stole, I used to be an all powerful vampire that ruled an entire world. Now I'm a soul trap in a body with countless other souls, but I can't help the nag in my mind to protect Molly. I mean that's why we're all here isn't it?" I say as I chuckle to myself.

"No dear, I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to you, the person reading this. What? I'm an inter-dimensional all powerful being, you think I can't break the forth wall?" I say with a smirk still looking down at my drink.

"But I guess you've had enough of me haven't you? Maybe I should let you meet the one you've been waiting for. I'm sure you've heard of her." I said standing up and closing my eyes.

"Say hi to Nova for me." I whispered before relaxing my body feeling her slowly take over my body.

Nova's POV

I gasped and opened my eyes seeing I was in my body again, long brown curly hair with purple streaks and a small body, I looked weak but I wasn't at all. I looked around the penthouse and groaned.

"Shadow you better not have hurt anyone." I growled looking around for any type of blood or weaponry.

"Calm down, I just pissed off the Avengers a little." Shadow said in my head making me roll my eyes.

"You need to stop pissing them off. What happens when they catch us? What if they use a power dampener on us and they draw out Molly. She hasn't been in control since...well you know." I muttered grabbing Shadow's whiskey and pouring it down the sink.

"You're so tense, just chill out." Shadow growled before disappearing into our mind.

Out of all of us I'm one of the eldest, before Molly summoned us all here I was an immortal warrior. I had lived a very long time and now I'm here, with all these different souls in one body. Sometimes I miss my old life but I understand I have a mission here. I protect most of us, well being a well trained immortal warrior with magic, I tend to be the best protector.

There's so many of us, it gets exhausting keeping track. So, I just try my best to remind everyone I'm the one that leads.

But I suppose Leo is the one that takes care of everyone, he takes care of me when I need. I'm immortal of course I have trauma that I have to deal with, Leo helps me with that. He was a royal guard before all of this, he protected a princess in another reality. I suppose that's why he loves protecting us so much.

I could go on forever about all of our stories, but I guess they can tell you that in time.

I didn't really know what to do with myself, maybe I could take a bath. I wandered into the bathroom and found the luxurious large white tub.

"Oh man, I definitely deserve a relaxing bath." I whispered to myself finding some bath salts, I remembered I had stocked this bathroom up with bath bombs and bath salts. I'm old fashioned, I still love taking baths rather than showering.

I eventually filled up the tub and looked into the warm pink water slowly stripping off my clothes. This was one of the universes I liked going to, a nice penthouse in the middle of New York and I always had the chance to see the Avengers. Yeah I know, the immortal warrior is a superhero nerd.

I settled into the bath and sighed feeling the warm water on my skin.

"Nova, I sense something." Gal whispered in my mind, I sensed something as well.

"I know, I just got in the bath." I whined out, I decided to just stay in the bed as I heard a knock at the door.

"Argh. Just come in!" I shouted out unlocking the front door. Trust me if by any chance it was a murderer I could take them. The bathroom door opened and I looked up to see Captain America and The Winter Soldier.

"Well, that wasn't expected." I muttered as they awkwardly looked away.

"We're sorry, we were looking for someone. We thought this might be their apartment." Bucky said as I chuckled and slowly stepped out of the bath and grabbing my towel.

"It's just me in this place." I muttered wrapping the towel around myself. I knew they were here for Shadow, she had somehow drawn them to you.

"We're looking for a villain by the name Shadow." Steve said as you chuckled a little.

"Well, I'm Nova. It's nice to meet you I suppose." I muttered looking up at them blushing a little. They may have been two of my favourite Avengers.

"I'm Steve and this is Bucky. We're sorry we bothered you." Steve said as I froze all of a sudden.

"O-Oh god." I whispered noticing I couldn't move my body.

"G-Go." I whispered as they looked at me in confusion. I could tell someone was taking over, I just didn't know who.

"Are you alright?" Bucky asked as I fell to my knees.

"I'm sorry." I whispered as I looked up at them, suddenly my eyes turned to black and I was pushed back inside our mind.

Our eyes turns black and our body went to a shadowy figure as they screamed.

Oh no, it was The Other.

"What the hell?" Bucky whispered as they stepped back a little.

The Other screamed and screamed at them.

We didn't know where they had come from, just that they were stuck within our mind. Bound by chains with an animalistic personality, we all just knew they were tortured and traumatised.

"We need to calm them down." I whispered within our mind as The Other launched at Bucky, he quickly dodged and threw them to the floor.

"Fuck. I have to take control, I'm sorry." I whispered as The Other screamed and fell to the ground, I had to forcefully take control.

They screamed in pain as the body returned to how I looked.

I gasped and looked up at the two men noticing I was naked.

"I think it would be best if you came with us." Steve said as I quickly summoned clothes around my body.

"Please, I mean no harm. I'm sorry about that." I whispered looking up at them.

"We won't hurt you, we just think it would be best if we knew who you were. And that you're definitely not Shadow." Bucky said as I thought for a moment. We couldn't go to another reality yet, we didn't have enough power.

"C-Can you promise me something?" I whispered slowly standing up.

"What is it?" Steve asked, they would probably say no but I needed to know.

"If I go with you, you have to promise you won't put anything on me that will take away my powers. I-If you do...it could go terribly. Please promise me you won't do that and I'll go with you." I whispered looking up at them as they looked down on me.

"You could be dangerous." Bucky spoke up as I nodded.

"You can put something on me that dampens our power, but you can't get rid of it completely. It would be dangerous for us with no power." I tried to explain as they nodded.

"Alright, we can work around that." Steve said as I nodded.

"Can you promise us you're not going to hurt any of us?" Steve asked as I smiled a little and nodded.

"I promise Steve, I'll come peacefully. A-And then explain all of this." I whispered looking up at them both.

"We'll take you back to the tower." Steve said as I nodded and followed the out of my apartment.

"Are you tied to Shadow?" Bucky asked as I headed into the elevator.

"I-In some ways." I whispered awkwardly. How the hell was I going to explain any of this?

"I-I can tell you more when we're somewhere safe." I muttered as the two men nodded.

"We understand, we can talk about all of this when we get to the tower." Steve said as I nodded and closed my eyes. Praying I could stay in control.

I could feel Molly crying and screaming, pretty much all the time but it still hurt to hear. I felt so weak and vulnerable, not to mention alone.

You followed the men down the streets of New York until you reached the Avengers tower.

I was a little intimidated. Usually Shadow handled any interaction with the Avengers.

I followed them into the elevator and crossed my arms over my body.

"Will I be punished for being...different?" I whispered not looking at the two men behind me.

"No you won't be. Unless you're a killer, but even then we don't do torture." Bucky said as you smiled a little.

"I haven't killed anyone...in this universe at least." I whispered the last part making sure they wouldn't hear me.

I could feel I was starting to lose control, I could feel my body shaking. The elevator doors opened into the main room of the tower.

"I-I feel like I'm going to lose control." I whispered feeling tears in my eyes.

"What do you mean?" Steve asked as you saw other people gathering around.

"Like what happened before. B-But I don't know who will come out this time." I whispered to them looking around the room.

"Oh no." I whispered as my eyes rolled back in my head and everything went black.

Shadow's pov

Well, would you look at that. I'm in the Avengers tower. Thanks Nova.

"Well, well the Avengers. It's great to see you all." I said smirking at them all. Steve grabbed me from behind and kept my hands behind my back.

"I knew someing wasn't right, were you just pretending to be Nova so we would help you?" Bucky growled making me chuckle lightly.

"No, Nova is real. We all are real, there's many different souls in this one body. I'm the one that has been terrorising you all, Nova and the others have done nothing. So, if you want to be angry, be angry with me. Not them." I said trying to play nice, it felt disgusting.

"We're putting you in a cell, Tony get those power dampeners." Steve said dragging me back into the elevator. I could easily get out of this but some part of me wanted to see where this went.

Steve, Bucky and Tony dragged me down to the cells. Just before they put the cuff around me I groaned. I knew Nova would handle this better than I could.

Nova's pov

I gasped and looked around to see Steve and Bucky in front of me, they clipped a cuff around my wrist as I rolled my eyes.

"Of course Shadow made me deal with this." I muttered quietly before they shoved me into the cell.

"Can't believe I fell for that." Bucky muttered as I looked at him.

"You didn't fall for anything, I'm not Shadow. We're two separate beings that happen to share a body. What Shadow did has nothing to do with the rest of us." I muttered looking down at them. I could see they didn't believe me.

"You can explain it in an interrogation tomorrow Shadow." Steve said as I glared at him. I hated being called that.

"I'm not Shadow!" I screamed at them as they looked at me in shock.

"We aren't the same person, don't you dare say that again." I growled at them, they just ignored me and walked away as I slid down the wall and hugged my knees to my chest.

This was weird, I felt trapped. Usually if I felt trapped one of the others would take over, but because of the power cuffs I couldn't.

"Leo?" I whispered out.

"I'm here." I heard Leo whisper in my head as I smiled softly. Leo had always taken care of us all, especially me.

"I feel so trapped, not just because of the cell. But these cuffs stopping us from changing." I whispered aimlessly playing with my hands.

"I know dear, but it's going to be okay. I know how strong you are and I know you can handle this just as good as any of us, if not better. These men seem like they could understand all of this if you explained it." Leo replied making me smile.

"Thank you Leo, I guess this cell isn't so bad. I've seen worse."

I woke up the next morning in the uncomfortable small bed in the cell. I felt so weak and vulnerable. I sat up in the bed and sighed softly before I heard footsteps. I looked up to see Bucky and Steve as I slowly stood up. Steve came in and handed me a bottle of water as I quickly drank it all down and wiped my mouth.

"Thank you." I muttered before handing the bottle back to him.

"Come with us, we need to talk." Steve said as I nodded and followed them out of the cell, they led me down a hallway and into a small room. I knew how this went, I sat at one end of the table and waited for the other two to sit down.

Steve sat in front of me and Bucky behind him.

"I'll try to do my best to answer your questions, but I don't know much. Shadow did all of this not me." I said looking into Steve's eyes, I knew they weren't buying it.

"What's your motive?" Bucky asked as I looked up at him and sighed.

"I don't know she never told me, none of us know why Shadow does all of this." I replied making Steve smile.

"Alright, I'll play. If you're not Shadow then let us talk to her." Steve said making me sigh.

"The power cuffs stop us from changing, so unless you take it off you're dealing with me." I growled at the two men as Bucky chuckled.

"You really think we're believing all of this? You obviously have power, so you kept shape shifting so we couldn't find you." Bucky said as I groaned and rested my head on the table.

"I'm going to kill Shadow for doing this." I muttered a little before I heard Molly screaming making me wince in pain.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked as I held my head in my hands.

"It's Molly." I muttered trying to breath through the pain. Molly had a scream that could get us all to feel her pain.

"Who's Molly?" Bucky asked as I looked up at him.

"She's the original, the one that owns our body. She was a human, somehow she had the power to summon all of our souls here to protect her." I tried to explained as Steve looked at me in curiosity.

"So, you have multiple personalities?" Steve asked as I chuckled a little.

"It's an over simplification but more or less yeah. Just with power and we all had lives before Molly summoned us." I muttered as they nodded.

"How did a human girl summon all of you here?" Bucky asked making me sigh.

"We've all been trying to work that out too. Something happened to Molly when she was five, something that broke her and made her powerful enough to summon us all here. To protect her." I explained as the two men looked at me in thought.

"Honestly that's a lot of information to take in. But even if you aren't Shadow she needs to be punished for what she did, and that means you all get punished." Steve said making me sigh.

"I'll leave this reality, you won't ever have to deal with us again. We can jump realities, just let us go and I'll promise we won't return." I tried to bargain with them as they both looked at me.

"We can't let you do that Nova." Steve said as I glared at him I grabbed the cuff and used all my power to break it off my wrist.

"I warned you." I growled before everything turned black.

War's pov

I gasped and opened my eyes as Nova's body faded away, my black short hair flowed out as I looked at the two men in front of me.

"You guys are fucked." I said smirking as they stood up ready to fight them.

"And who the hell are you?" Bucky asked as I smiled.

"They call me War." I growled as flames engulfed my body.

"They call me when someone needs to burn." I growled as I glared at them.

"I don't think so." Steve growled pressing a button on the wall of the room as I screamed in pain and fell to my knee's.

Nova's pov

What's going on? I knew something was happening, I was watching everything from inside our mind.

"No..." I whispered as War was pushed back into our mind.

"What the fuck is happening!?" War screamed as looked to see our body was changing.

"They got rid of our power, Molly is coming out." I whispered in disbelief, she hasn't been out in so long, since the incident.

"This can't happen."

Molly eventually came out and looked around in fear, her body changing into it's original form, a terrified five year old girl.

"What the hell?" Bucky whispered in disbelief. Suddenly Molly let out one of her screams, in made the two men drop to their knees.

"She's calling The Monster." I whispered watching the scene play out before me. Suddenly a large shadowy figure began to form in the room as the two men looked up. A hideous monster began to form as Molly continued to scream. The Monster was something Molly controlled, none of us knew if it was a being or just something she created, but in last resort moments he would come out and protect her. Killing anyone in the way. The Monster was about to fully form before Bucky reached up and pressed the button again. We regained our power and I took control of our body once more, returning to my usual looks. I couldn't help but start to cry, Molly's emotions were effecting us all.

"You promised!" I screamed as they regained their posture.

"We're sorry, we didn't believe you. But we should've." Bucky said slowly approaching me.

"Stay away! You promised you wouldn't do that! You have no idea what you just did! Molly hasn't been in control in hundreds of years, our one job is to make sure she doesn't ever have to come out. And you just ruined that! She's going to be so upset and terrified, because of you two!" I screamed at them, I could see the guilt in their eyes.

"I'm leaving." I growled before storming through the door, but Bucky grabbed me.

"Don't make me kill you." I hissed lowly at him making him sigh.

"We want to help you Nova, this place could be safe for you. We can better handle all of this, you could have a safe place to live and heal, where you're all allowed to come out whenever you want. We're sorry for what we did, and we're sorry we didn't believe you. Either you stay here and let us help you or we shove you in a cell and never let you out." Bucky said as I tried to not cry.

"I'm scared." I whispered as Bucky looked at me sadly.

"I know doll, I can imagine you've all been running for a long time. It's time to stop running, we can figure something out. Let you live out your 'punishment' here in the tower, we can help you all have a safe place to live." Bucky said looking into my eyes, no one had ever offered us somewhere safe to live, no one had ever seen anything but fear and disgust in us.

"Why would you do this for us?" I whispered making Bucky smile softly.

"Because we understand you a little better now, we know you just need somewhere safe to be. Deep down don't all of you just want to be cared for a loved by someone?" Bucky whispered making tears fall down my cheeks.

I couldn't find the right words, Bucky smiled and gently wrapped his arms around me as I froze. It had been so long since I had felt any kind of affection.

"Let us help you Nova." He whispered as I slowly wrapped my arms around him in return and cried onto his chest.

"I'll go talk to the team." Steve said as Bucky nodded and watched him leave still holding onto me tightly.

"I haven't felt any kind of physical touch for so long. I'm a monster, why do you want to help me?" I whispered as I felt his hand go through my hair, I wanted to melt in his arms, his touch was so gentle and kind.

"Because I understand what it's like to have no one, to keep running away from everything. Yes you all did bad things in the past but I now understand everything more. I understand why you're running and I understand you just need a safe place to be yourself." He whispered as I nodded and slowly pulled away wiping my tears from my face.

"H-How will the team react? I'm not exactly an angel a-and all of the others, I don't know how they will react." I muttered beginning to panic.

"Doll, take a deep breath. Everything will be okay." Bucky said making me nod and smile softly.

Tony had set up a spare room for me, we had talked it all over and we decided I would talk to everyone else inside our mind and let them know that this was a safe place.

They were pretty understanding considering, I thought they would riot. But I think Bucky was right, we all just wanted to be cared for and loved. There was something about Bucky that drew me to him, I felt like when I was with him I could breath easily.

I decided I would let Kara meet them all today, she had been over excited about the news. I stood in front of the team and took a deep breath as my body changed into a black haired eight year old girl.

I decided to stay at the front of our mind so I could watch how she would react to everyone.

She gasped and smiled brightly.

"The Avengers!" She shouted with glee making them smile.

"You must be Kara." Steve said as she smiled and nodded, she ran up and hugged Bucky tightly making him smile.

"And you're Prince Bucky." She said giggling, it made me laugh a little, she looked so happy and at ease.

"Well, if I'm a Prince that would make you a Princess." He replied as she smiled up at him, she went around the room and gave each of the team a hug making them smile. She came back to Bucky and hugged him again as he smiled.

"You're welcome to come out anytime Kara." Steve said making her smile.

"Thank you Mr. Steve." She said making Steve chuckle a little.

"Hey, why don't we play hide and seek?" Tony suggested as Kara gasped and cheered.

"Yes please!"

I had watched the team play hide and seek with Kara for a good two hours before she got tired.

"Do you want to go rest and Nova can come out sweetie?" Bucky asked as he held onto his hand and nodded.

"Yes please, bye bye Bucky." She whispered before closing her eyes and letting me take over again.

I opened my eyes to see Bucky in front of me smiling, the rest of the team was around as I smiled.

"Thank you all so much." I muttered before hugging Bucky.

"She was lovely, we don't mind one bit." Steve said as the rest smiled.

"We can't wait to meet everyone else." Bucky said as I pulled away and smiled up at him.

"I'm sure they're all very eager to meet you all."

#marvel #mcu #dissociative identity disorder #did #bucky barnes #tony stark #steve rogers #clint barton #natasha romanoff #my story #fic

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simp-for-enrico-maxwell · 2 years

Text

Rambling about my Hellsing ship

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So, this is just some sort an explanation why I ship Vanity (my OC/self-insert) with Enrico Maxwell, and how their relationship can even work. I really wanted to write something like this for a while, yet I have been putting it aside till now. But hey, at least I finally did it, right?

Anyways! If you are interested in Vanity or if you want to know more about the lore around her - feel free to ask me! Because there is A LOT stuff, and I feel like it can be pretty confusing sometimes.

Also, this post is kinda based on my headcanons of Enrico and how I see him, and portrait him, okay? So please keep that in mind.

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How did they even get closer to each other?

Well, this will be a little bit harder to explain since it all started with my Hellsing parody I have been publishing on Wattpad in Czech. (One day I would really like to come up with translation, but that will be a real challenge. Especially because many puns are based on the language so the punch lines wouldn't be funny anymore.)

Long story short: The parody (which's humour is - unintentionally - kinda similar to Abridged version of Hellsing) revolves around "Exchange project" (during the year 1997) between Hellsing and Iscariot, where each organisation sends one member to the other organisation for a month. And meanwhile Iscariot sends Anderson so he could sabotage Hellsing/find out some secret information, Integra decides to punish "dear Catholics" by sending them Vanity.

Yup, yup, there is no worse punishment than an annoying, sadomasochistic, horny, and vulgar vampire that has problem with listening to authorities.

You can definitely imagine the disaster that Vanity caused; but she also helped with catching members of some sort of "Italian vampire mafia" and actually saved Enrico's life. (Yeah, yeah, kinda overused trope... Yet I think not many times author used vampire smashing another vampire with a fire poker, and accidentally hitting bishop as well in their stories, right?)

And Maxwell could deny it as much as he wanted but he got interested in this little vampire disaster, not only because of her looks, but also because of her personality. And he slowly fell for her.

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We are the opposites, and yet we're both same

Maybe it's not visible on the first sight but more you look into their backstories, you will realise there have more things in common than you'd thought. We could definitely start with being mentally ill; yet the funny thing is that they can recognise that the other one is fucked up, but aren't able to recognise it on themselves. (And they really don't talk about this so they just think it. - Personally, I find it hilarious.)

Both of them had awful childhood which kinda formed them, yet the difference is that Vanity wasn't mentally alright from the start. (Which kinda helped her to get through all this in one piece, and she just calls her her early years as "shitty era".) - And funnily enough since they both lack emphaty, it's easier for them to talk about this - no empty apologies, no feeling sorry, no blunt sentences... They just talk about this sometimes, letting the words to slowly disappear in the air.

Which gets us to the silence they often share. There is no need for them to talk because no-one of them will ask stupid questions, and none of them will try to bring out the emotions and memories.

Unless Enrico breaks down and reveals a bit about his early years. (I headcanon Enrico with lots of mental issues, don't mind me.) But even then Vanity doesn't ask any more questions and doesn't pity him. She is just here, and Maxwell really appreciates because he wouldn't like to be pitied and addressed as "weak". (And even though Vanity enjoys making fun of him, she would never cross the line, bringing this stuff up.)

Both of them also think about themselves that they are better than everyone and anyone; and they tend to act like that. Which is kinda funny - bishop despising vampires, seeing them as a scum, and vampire who considers people as something fragile and weak...

You can definitely image, how they saw each other as a selfish, prideful jerk, when their worlds "collided". But in quite short time they both realised how similar they are, and how each of them basically built a barricade around themselves to prevent outer world to get closer.

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Just let me to give you the freedom to dream

Yes, I used "The other side" from The Greatest Showman as a title here, let me be.

Everyone can see how Enrico is devoted to Catholic church and how he cares about his reputation here... But is he really such a faithful believer? - Well, not really...

I feel like the Church is the last resort for him. The only place where he got accepted, and where he could build a career, get power, and possibility to show everyone around he is more than a mere bastard. That's why he is kinda scared to step out of his "cage", because he could lose things most precious to him - power and respect.

But Vanity is one of few people who don't see bishop/archbishop when she looks at him. - She actually sees "Enrico", and she really doesn't care about the status or such meaningless things. That's why, when this vampire is around, Maxwell can actually be who he truly is, without any fear of being judged nor abandoned.

And this also applies on NSFW activities which I won't mention now, but let's say that you may expect some post about it later. - Let me just mention, that I see Enrico as someone who would be able to break the promise of celibacy, if he really wanted and if it stayed as a secret...

Even though in this case it's more like an open secret. - And that's another reason why Anderson dislikes Vanity so much, not only she's “a protestant vampire” but she also seduced Maxwell, and (in Anderson's eyes) she forced him into these unholy activities. - Little did he know that dear Enrico was always kinda kinky, and he simply pretended not to be.

#hellsing #hellsing ultimate #hellsing headcanons #hellsing oc #enrico maxwell #enrico maxwell x oc #enrico maxwell/oc #hellsing self-insert #hellsing vampire oc

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twenty-one-froggy-pilots · 3 years

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Yeah I'm honestly a bit surprised by how passionate and vocal people are about hating twenty one pilots? It's kinda upsetting that when I try to interact with content about them I'm always a bit worried in the back of my mind because I'm a pretty sensitive person and it's hard not to let stuff get to me.

I don’t know why it’s always felt like twenty one pilots has gotten a ton of hate for no reason? I’ve been into them since 2013-2014 so pure unadulterated vessel era, I’m a very old fan of them and their music, like one of the oldest picture in my phone is this

(This picture isn’t important I just love it, plus something fun to look at with a not so fun subject material)

(Long history as a fan rant incoming lol)

I’ve been an emo kid for a really long time, back when all of the emo bands were big, when seeing another kid wearing a panic! shirt always meant you talked to them in the mall, I still remember when I would wear the one twenty one pilots shirt I could afford outside, that anyone who knew who they were would come up and start a conversation with me

And it’s like through the years the hate has changed to be... somehow worse

Back in the early days tøp used to get called not a true emo band because they didn’t have anyone playing the guitar so everyone hated them because they weren’t emo Enough

Plus there was the whole ‘emo trinity’ ‘emo quartet’ infighting nonsense but that’s so long past idk if anyone even remembers it lol

Then blurryface rolls around and fans are being made fun of for dressing funky and going through that one fandom phase where everyone was calling the boys smol beans it was great and cute, we were all really close, we called each other frens, told each other to stay street it was great! So what people made fun of us or whatever we were absolutely vibing

Twenty one pilots felt like the coolest secret gang of fans, we were absolutely huge, more so than most people would think, and man it was awesome!! If you saw a tøp fan you knew that you were cool with that person and that person would be cool with you!! It was amazing!! Sometimes I do miss this vibe!!

But then Stressed Out ended up on the radio...

I feel like it really all changed here, all of the sudden the old fandom things were cringy, the boys were sell outs, and every family member you knew was suddenly the biggest fan despite only knowing stressed out

I remember being upset around this time because of strangers invading my space, this was my group, filled with people who understood what the lyrics meant and knew and understood how much they meant to all of us, and suddenly it was filled with people who didn’t belong

I didn’t blame the pilot boys, obviously they can’t control what’s on the radio, I’m fact, there’s plenty of pilot songs that mention never being played on the radio because of one reason or another, so my problem was never with the boys, it was with the influx of new people, and by new people I don’t mean new fans, I mean news outlets and tv show host, and with that influx came the people who didn’t get it, you know? That were rude and outright nasty and refused to understand anything about the genre and effort put into the story and why it mattered to us

(Tw for suicide mention, and uncomfortable themes involving people making fun of themes involving it, tw for mentions of school shootings)

All of the sudden we were the fans of Tyler Joseph the man who ‘Glorifies Suicide’ and actively is supposedly encouraging that behavior

We were the cringy fans everyone knew in high school and hated who were described as being ‘JuSt So QuIrkY 🤪’, instead of the mentally ill kids we all were, by people who hated us

We were the fans of those ‘white boys who look like school shooters’ (this one honestly rocked me to my core, it still hurts to even see??? Like idk why but it almost makes me want to cry)

At the same time a lot of the old fans were turning their back on the pilots, they didn’t want to be involved anymore, they hated ALL of the new fans whether they were respectful or not

It was a REALLY hard time to be a new fan, very few people were open to having them involved in anything, I think this is when a lot of hatred happened in the fandom not only fan-fan fighting/hatred but also fan-band sentiments weren’t great either

The more songs that ended up on the radio the more the hatred grew, in fact this got so bad Tyler did this

youtube

Here’s a transcript in case it’s hard to hear

Like... this was the state of our fan group.... it was suddenly cool to hate all the songs that ended up on the radio so much it affected every part of our music journey

There was a lot of infighting, it was an awful time to be a fan, new or old

Then came silence era, in which every tøp blog I followed except like 2, became kpop blogs and I’m not sure any of them ever came back lol, I actually really disliked kpop because of this for a bit in like a jokey kind of way in my own head lol (ahh how the turn tables have turned... kpop and tøp are the only things I listen to now haha, actually because of all my tøp mutuals becoming kpop blogs I vowed to myself to not change this blog to another group so I have two music blogs now, which makes me laugh but also shows how important music is to me so it makes me happy anyways you know?)

It was kind of a sad way to have the fandom disappear, everything was strangled, the boys were gone, and no one kept up with the fandom, it felt really lonely

When Trench era clues started back people started coming back, the mood was different, we had something to do and it was fun to work on something with others, we had the Clancy letters, and all the clues, and the tower of silence and the vultures!! It was great! It started to feel like we had rebuilt something from the rubble of what we had been

The fandom started calling Tyler stinky and he called us b*stards it was great, sometimes people were a bit meaner than I think they thought they were being, but it worked you know?

When the album released we had more people come back and things slowly started fitting back ok again, more songs ended up on the radio and a lot of older fans said the same things they’re saying now, but it wasn’t that bad, it was mostly very positive

And then we got to the over the summer drama, which........... is a sensitive subject, but I legitimately do not understand how it was Tyler’s fault that people assumed he was talking about something when he wasn’t talking about it at all... especially when people have been begging him for years to talk more about mental health, he wanted to introduce whatever he was going to do with a joke, I personally never though he was talking about the big issue at the time of the incident, but it blew up like wildfire and the next thing you know he’s canceled because Other People Assumed Something

So now it’s ‘Morally Justifiable’ to hate Tyler because he’s r*cist or something, despite it never being his intention and because people assumed something

It’s literally not even with good reason that people are doing this, but because it blew up when it did and about what it did, no one knows what really happened and people just wanted a morally justified reason to hate them because you can’t just dislike something anymore without it being justifiable I guess? I feel like with all of the years I’ve spent on the internet everything has only become more hateful...

All this to say.... yes, it hurts when people hate the things that you do, I get really sensitive about it as well, especially with how long and how many arguments I’ve seen, and I am extremely sensitive to discourse and hatred, it’s why I don’t engage with much of it online, in fact I was about to delete the post complaining about everyone hating on them before I saw it was really resonating with you guys

I guess my best advice to you anon, would to try to understand where it’s coming from, that’s what’s helped me, I know a lot of people dislike the pilots because of the fact that they became ‘mainstream’ during blurryface era, and people are really upset by that, so understanding that, even when it hurts, I can acknowledge that they feel that way and that it’s ok that I feel differently

It’s easy to take that point and test it against your own morals, ‘do I think twenty one pilots became mainstream, or only makes songs to get on the radio?’ If your answer is no, then you can both say ‘I don’t agree with them but they’re allowed to have their own opinion’ and kind of give yourself a wall and barrier against what they say

I know this isn’t perfect advice, but it’s helped me a lot

I know there are two big arguments against this album, that it’s mainstream and made to have radio singles (the underlying argument here I guess being Tyler and Josh are money hungry and no longer care about the music)

And that it’s no longer lyrically meaningful, but I think this has to do a lot with how involved people are in the Dema lore, if you’re not a fan of lore I would imagine this album being propaganda and supposed to be fake and bright to prove a point would really bug you if you didn’t really get it

To best thing to do is digest an argument (only if you can handle it emotionally of course 🖤) and know it’s ok that think differently than other people, and that the chances of someone being mad at you are very slim

A lot of things I’ve enjoyed have been stolen by the fear of getting hated on for something - while in actuality, the very few times I’ve gotten real hate over something barely affected me

I admit the fear of getting hate bothers me a lot more than actually getting it, but I just want to encourage you to stay strong in the face of it, it will pass, as it all does, but if nothing else in this post resonates with you, PLEASE HOLD ONTO YOUR JOY FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN! And don’t let ANYONE take it from YOU!!

If twenty one pilots makes you happy, just remember that the only person who can take that true joy away from you is yourself, remove the people who make you feel sad out of your life, I apologize if this is a physical person in your life as this makes it a lot harder, and sometimes impossible depending on the situation, but on the internet unfollow anyone, block anyone, don’t engage and leave them alone, it’s not with your energy or effort, and they’ll never change their minds but they can change yours you know?

Being sensitive in a time when everything is hateful is hard, especially when everyone tells you you’re a bad person if you aren’t engaged, but you really don’t have to be, you get to choose your own destiny you know? Don’t let other people choose it for you

#I’m am so sorry this post is so long and I still don’t know how to put readmores on mobile anymore #ajsjjams #I get told I ramble on about to much and that my stories are never concise and take forever to get to the point which might be true.........#I’m sorry #I kinda just rambled on forever but I feel like I finally aired out all my laundry I’ve kept to myself forever haha #it did have a point though! just trying to say like it’s always been a bit difficult but for the things that we love it can be #I’ve had a much better experience this era with the people I follow which has helped a lot #but to get to new content I’m digging in the tags which is where I’m #seeing all the hate so there’s kind of no avoiding it but I understood that going in you know?#anyways I think I’ve rambled on long enough! I hope this helped you out in same way?!?!#I’m not sure any of this is really helpful lol wjsks but one can hope haha #nic writes #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #tw school shooting #tw school shooting mention #tw racism mention

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ladecena · 3 years

Photo

FELICITY🦋

“She is not a painter but she drew many lines on her wrist. Slowly the red liquid flows from the lines of varying lengths. She is not afraid. Her tears were dripping on the floor.” Our lives are full of many colors. But why on some pages of my life, I cannot see any color. With so many people in this world, why do I seem to be alone? “She’s just acting!” “It’s only on her mind!” “She just wants pity!” “She only wants attention!” words I hear from them. It is just a simple mental illness for some people, but they do not know that it can cause the taking of a life.

My parents named me Felicity. It means ‘happiness’. That’s why I grew up as a happy child, they called me “Ligaya”. I have 6 siblings and I am the eldest. Five of us will go to private school and my other two siblings are still young. I am currently studying in a private school, 3rd-year College, and the course I took was Bachelor of Arts in Communication. My mother is a teacher while my father works for a well-known company. They try their best to get us to go to a good school. But we can hardly be with them for long because they are so busy but we remain happy and in love. I mostly take care of my little siblings. As the eldest, I often did the household chores such as cooking, washing, and so on. When mama is not at work, I help her do the laundry. But it’s not always fun and abundant, the year has come that will test us and others.

There was a pandemic that tested everyone. Many lost their jobs, businesses went bankrupt and closed, and some students did not continue their studies due to the lack of gadgets to use for online classes. My mother lost her job because not everyone was allowed to continue teaching. We were deeply affected by this news. Also, my father lost the job that our family hoped for because the company he worked for went bankrupt. So almost all the money we saved was spent little by little. My younger siblings need to transfer to a public school. We no longer know where we can get the money to earn. My mom tried to sell a lot of clothes but she was scammed and went bankrupt. That’s why we were in debt then. And there’s a lot of problems that have come to us. My third brother Mark became Covid positive and had to be taken to the hospital alone. I knew he could get through it because Mark was brave and strong like me.

Meanwhile, we were quarantined for the safety of our family. We had almost nothing to eat so we sold everything we had just to make money. My mom lost weight because she always wondered to Mark how he was doing. I also started to lose interest in everything. I don’t know what’s happening to me, there are nights that I suddenly cry and I always want to be in my room. My parents worry about me every day and they ask me what my problem is but I can’t answer them. I just want to be alone. I can’t do my paperwork at school anymore. I couldn’t even talk or tell them things that ran through my mind. Even my friends at school or even my siblings can’t express my feelings because I’m afraid of being judged. After all, I’m too confused. I couldn’t smile anymore, I was always in my room. On social media, I can bring out all my problems at school and home. But no one even asked me how I was? Or what is happening to me? Only my parents worry about me but I don’t want them to think about me. Add to my thoughts are people who say I’m just acting or that I just want attention. Don’t they know how I feel? There are days when I just want to commit suicide. I ask God why I need to experience all of this. Sometimes I blame God for all the things that happened to me and my family. One day, while my father was busy arranging for Mark’s belongings to be taken to the hospital, he read bad news on his cellphone that Mark was gone, my beloved brother was gone. We never saw Mark again, we only saw his ashes. My parents can’t accept what happened. They had to go to my grandpa and grandma’s house to borrow money for the bills left over from Mark’s hospitalization. I need to get out of my room and fight my thoughts and feelings to help them. While I was cooking, someone called me and said that my parents had an accident. I don’t know how I feel, I was suddenly stunned and I don’t know what to do. I immediately went to the hospital where they were and I told Joy to take care of our younger siblings. When I arrived at the hospital, the guards would not let me in because they were restrictive and needed to follow some protocol, but I needed to know what the condition of my parents was. Later, a doctor came out and I immediately talked to him. I asked him how my parents were doing. They said that they tried to save my father but it’s all too late. While my mother is comatose and needs a large amount of money for my dad’s funeral and my mom’s hospital bills.

I feel so much pain because I don’t know what to do for my parents. I immediately went to my grandparent’s house to tell them the bad news and asked for help. I first took my siblings there so that someone would watch over them while I took care of my father’s funeral. Because of the pandemic, it is not possible to have a long hill. So my father was buried for only two days. We borrowed some money from the relatives of my dad abroad.

While I was walking to the hospital I didn’t realize that it was raining so I went to the church near the hospital. As I walked to the altar approaching Him, my tears flowed as I stared at Him and said what else we had to go through. And I couldn’t help but scream in pain “What else do you want to take from me? You took all the things that I have! You took Mark and my dad, that’s enough! ” I have lost two important people in my life and my mother is almost dying. I have approached a lot of people but none of them attempt to help us. So I had to find a job because I was afraid of losing my mother too. So I fight everything in my mind. But because of the pandemic, it’s a hard time for me to find a job, especially restricting everything because of the virus. So I just worked in the cafeteria near our house.

My mom hasn’t woken up for almost two weeks and her hospital bill has been going up. After work, I’ll just take a look at my siblings and my grandparents. Every time I went there, my siblings ignored me because they were angry with me, they said I couldn’t do anything for mama as I was the eldest. But they don’t know how much I want to help our mother. I felt even more that I was alone in the world. While I was working in the cafeteria, my boss suddenly shouted at me because I was stunned. I just entered the comfort room because I was so embarrassed. I saw something sharp when I was inside and I don’t know why I thought of hurting myself. As my tears flowed as well as blood dripped from my arm. I just woke up lying in the hospital. When I woke up I saw Erika, my youngest sister. I tried to get up to go to her but the nurses stopped me and said that my youngest sister was also positive for the virus as well as my sister Joy. As the nurse told me about the condition of my siblings I don’t know how I will feel.

As I was stunned an old man approached me and spoke to me. He asked me why I tried to commit suicide. But I couldn’t answer his question because I also didn’t know the answer. He also asked me if I believed in God and I suddenly looked at him and just nodded. “If you believe that there is a God, why do you want to disappear from this world? Why would you give up? ” You know many of us only know God as our savior but most of us only know Him when we need something. But the commitment and faith in Him is nothing. They just know God but don’t have a deep relationship with him. And that is one of the reasons why we give up immediately. I saw a lot of your problems and yes it’s hard but you have to be resilient and you have to surrender everything to Him. Just wait for His great plans for you. Sometimes we tend to forget what God’s value is when we already have everything we want and at the end of the day, we will come to Him again when we don’t have those things anymore. It is important that you put your full trust in Him and that we accept Him wholeheartedly. ” As that man says all those words, my tears continue to fall, and I realize that man is right. I should not blame the Lord for what happens to me and my family today. I may lose something in my life but I know that there will come a good and new hope in my life after all. When the old man left I immediately looked up in the sky and apologized to Him. God sent that old man so that I could realize the value of life and the value of God in our lives. And since I trusted in the Lord’s plan for my life, my prayers began to be heard. My mother woke up and papa’s rich friend helped us to get mama out of the hospital. My siblings and I became negative and I already had a job and I was able to provide for our daily needs. Lastly, we live happily and we know that God is always with us, protecting us and guiding us. I am now aware that God is always in control and He always provides for our needs.

- matahom👄

June 09, 2021

#love cinema movie movies art entertainment life fantasy story #short story #inspiration #motivation

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magioftheseas · 3 years

Text

Soft Trauma

Summary: Komaeda wakes up, runs away from Hinata, but is caught by Naegi. Among other things.

Rating: T+

Warnings: Hospitalization, severe mental illness, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, some mentions of blood, just pretty messy medical stuff all around. There’s some rough kissing too Ig.

Notes: I’m pretty sure this fic was started in like...2013. 2014. It’s very, very old. I decided to finish it for kicks. Because it’s so old, dr3 just isn’t a blimp and it uses SHSL instead of Ultimate. So old. It’s Komaegi/KomaHina and very angsty. Have fun.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

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“Are you alright?” That person asks him, and the look Komaeda is on the end of receiving is...strange, to say the least. He wouldn’t call it particularly caring—but the concern was clear. It was...a very obscured gaze, though it almost softens when Komaeda keeps gaping at him like a lost dog. “It’s...understandable though, right? With everything that’s happened, especially to you... But it’s over now.”

“I... What?”

“I don’t know what else to say to you,” the other continues on, and the softness is gone to be replaced with his expression pinching up. Like this feeble attempt at conversation is starting to cause him pain. “I don’t know... I don’t even know if I can forgive you. Do you remember anything?”

Komaeda doesn’t immediately answer—instead staring curiously at...him. With bizarrely long locks and dull red eyes. The question he asks... Komaeda doesn’t know how to respond to it either way.

But he seems to...understand. “Right. It’s been rough. Never mind. You know what—never mind.” And annoyance sparks through his features as he almost jerks away and stops just in the middle of leaving. “You’re awake. Everyone’s awake. That’s all the matters. It’s over.”

“Over?” he echoes, and the other grits his teeth though Komaeda can’t see it.

“...Komaeda...” Komaeda flinches—because his surname sounds so dry. Like it’s something the other had been avoiding to say for a while. And though he clearly struggles with saying the rest—just Komaeda is enough to leave him near breathless—he continues. “Try and get better soon.”

Komaeda sees him walk out of the room and close the door behind him—but he doesn’t hear a thing. Was that person a ghost? With the way that person looked, it could have been a demon—but no. No, he knows that’s not what that was. Demons don’t show such care, especially for someone like him and...

When he remembers, he rips out his IVs and leaves the hospital room.

To where, he isn’t quite sure. He just stumbles in the direction his legs take him, holding his bandaged stump to his chest and staring at the ground all the while.

He’s still found, of course. But it’s not the person from before. It’s...someone else. Someone he knows but doesn’t fully remember.

“Komaeda-kun, there you are,” His sigh is relieved. Komaeda blinks the blurriness out of his eyes by the time he raises his gaze to the other approaching. Slowly. Carefully. His smile is small. Komaeda skitters back and further away. He still calls for him—but annoyance doesn’t touch his tone. Not like it would if that person—Hinata-kun—were the one to have found him. “Komaeda-kun, please. You need to get back. You’re not well.”

“How do you know that?” he asks in returns, voice too dulled to even manage surprise. “How would you know that? Who exactly are you?”

This brunet—it’s not Hinata-kun—doesn’t lose his smile for Komaeda like so many others. No, he still looks so understanding and it just makes Komaeda’s head spin more. It’s so dizzying, he might just faint and—then the other moves. And his hands are steadying Komaeda so that he doesn’t fall. Komaeda blinks a bit furiously, and for some reason, his heart is racing.

And this is familiar. He knows this feeling. He’s felt it before. He remembers that...

“We...were in school together? We used to see each other quite a bit, right?” He remembers this—between the wretched poisonous memories of her and everything else, he remembers him. It’s fuzzy, but he recalls—though wasn’t he shorter? Softer?

He was still short. Still soft. But so bright. Was he always so bright? Wait—Komaeda picks up a few more pieces—the ones that don’t slice his fingers open and drip with his blood—and he puts them together. Back then, this person had been...

“We were almost friends,” the other says, wistfully and almost mournfully. It’s strange. He almost sounds like he regrets that almost. He shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t. “We were in separate classes, Komaeda-kun, but I did see you every now and then. Do you remember? You...” Here he laughs, more like chuckles a bit weakly. “You were the one who cushioned my fall when I tripped on one of the staircases. I was terrified because I thought you were seriously hurt.”

Komaeda slumps a bit and he shoves the other away, stumbling back as his hand shakily goes to the scars his hair hides. The other sees and his frown deepens as he approaches him again. Like he was approaching some scared, wounded animal. And Komaeda, really...

He wants so badly to be held.

“Naegi-kun,” he says—voice blank and empty but with trembling limbs reaching for the shorter, softer other. His voice scratches against his throat, raw and painful, but he can’t stop saying his name, “Naegi-kun.”

Naegi crosses the distance with ease and wraps his arms around him, whispering sweet condolences into his ear while he has to pretend said comfort doesn’t burn him like dabs of alcohol against his wounds.

“You don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Naegi murmurs, and Komaeda freezes when he easily puts together what that is. But Naegi holds him tighter so that his pieces don’t fall apart. “It’s done. You can move forward, just like everyone else.”

Komaeda sighs; nuzzles against him as his hand and wrist press into Naegi’s back. Naegi strokes his hair like it isn’t a knotted filthy mess thick with dust. Contrarily, Naegi smells fresh and clean—and that scent is almost suffocating.

As awkward as it is with their different heights, Komaeda buries his face in Naegi’s shoulder further. For now, the warmth is enough. For now.

Naegi leads him back to his room by hand—like a parent guiding their child. Komaeda keeps his head down, though every so often his eyes flicker up just enough to observe the curve of Naegi’s cheek and the shape of his slightly tilted profile. He also thinks he’d like to see Naegi turn to face him completely, and then he wonders how much he’d see if he was closer...

And he winds up so disgusted with himself his head drops back down and stares hard at the ratty shoes on his feet he used to be fond of.

“Komaeda-kun,” Naegi asks him softly as he glares down at himself. Komaeda makes a sound of acknowledgment, but he refuses to look at the other facing him. “We’re almost there.”

He hums in response, and Naegi continues. “I was thinking... I’m going to stay with you a little longer. I’d rather not leave you alone right now, honestly.”

Komaeda’s breath catches, but he only shakily nods instead of making a comment. Naegi must notice—the way his pale trembling hand tightens around his smaller, firmer one. Komaeda doesn’t have to see his face to hear the smile in his voice. “Alright then. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to tell me. And don’t worry—I’m not going to leave you unless that’s what you really need.”

You should though. You need to leave the first chance you get, Naegi-kun. I don’t need...

Komaeda can’t say that though—and the only thing keeping him from sinking is Naegi’s warm grip wrapped around him.

The problem isn’t the fuzzy memories of the younger SHSL Lucky Komaeda knew and then a little more... The problem is that Komaeda can’t stop thinking about Hinata.

Komaeda already tries so hard not to think about Hinata as he was in the stimulation. Hinata, who had a smile for him that disappeared as soon as it appeared—and yet he continued to approach him anyway. Hinata tried so hard to understand even when it was clear he never would. Hinata was nothing special. Hinata was too plain, too average, and ended up far too important.

But wasn’t Naegi like that as well? Plain? Average? Far too important? But, shamefully, the main difference was...

“Komaeda-kun, I got you some water. It’s cold like you wanted.” Naegi opens the door, handing him the chilly open bottle for Komaeda’s trembling hand to take. He smiles brightly, warmly, and Komaeda wonders if the water is magnifying the blush he feels rising on his face. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Y-Yeah. Thank you, Naegi-kun.” He really is grateful, but the revelation comes as no less of a sinking feeling of dread. Naegi’s widening smile only certifies it.

Hinata-kun won’t smile like that for me anymore. But it’s not like I deserve it. Naegi-kun’s just being kind. He’s kind to everyone, no matter how awful or wretched they are. Still...

The gratitude and dread mix with something else and he begins to feel sick. Naegi responds to his thanks with a sweet comment of “it’s no problem”, but... It really is a problem. He feels sick.

He’s not going to say anything about it, though.

Naegi sees him and spends a lot of time with him. As much as he can. If Naegi ends up caught in something else, he still sends his wishes to Komaeda through either a letter or Kirigiri who sometimes checks up on him too. Kirigiri is nice when she relays the message but she looks at Komaeda a little too carefully—and he knows her talent far too well.

Though Kirigiri isn’t so bad to talk to—she’s good at relaying information on things Komaeda is shamefully unaware of.

“Your other classmates have been recovering well—so we don’t have to focus so much on them. Hinata-kun’s been making the process easier, too.” Komaeda nods at this, and can’t even remember if he asked for this information. Everything’s been in a blur lately. But Kirigiri continues on informingly—how his classmates have been pulling through, and how even despite the awful memories that Komaeda’s too afraid to touch, they...still manage. Somehow. Though it’s not likely going as well as it sounds.

Not that Komaeda really wants a clarification. But Kirigiri tells him anyway, and he politely listens until...

“Hinata-kun asked about you the other day.”

He freezes, one good hand clenching bone-white in the sheets as he stares down at the wrinkles bleeding through and tries to avoid looking at the bandaged stump of a wrist where his other hand used to be. After a while, he shakily asks, “W-What did he say, Kirigiri-san?”

“He asked if you would be able to leave your room anytime soon. When he should expect you to be discharged.” She reached out, smoothing the tenseness of his fist with her gloved fingers. A gesture Naegi would do. “I told him that if—when that happened, he wouldn’t have to worry. Naegi-kun would still be keeping a close eye on you, as well as the rest of the future foundation.”

Komaeda loosens his grip on the sheets, not even attempting a smile as he responds in a dull voice, “Naegi-kun really troubles himself a lot over me, as does Hinata-kun. I’d prefer it if they didn’t. But at least he won’t have to worry about it after all, right Kirigiri-san?”

“If you mean Hinata-kun, then I’m not sure about that. He still looked unsure, which makes sense. Even as I explained more thoroughly, he looked unsure.” She’s blunt in her explanations—observational and unbiased. Even if the explanation makes him feel uneasy, he appreciates that she’s so concise. “Do you want to know anything else?”

“Not really.” He’s a bit blunt himself. He gets that. “Thank you, Kirigiri-san.”

She gives him a slight smile, but it’s one that has him seize up for a moment. Because he recognizes this expression. He’s never talked to Kyouko Kirigiri before encountering her as SHSL Despair, but he knows almost instinctively that he’s seen this look. Considering who she is, it isn’t hard to figure out where.

“Is something wrong, Komaeda-kun?” The smile is gone, and she looks a little worried. Komaeda immediately shakes his head.

She’s still being kind. The last thing I should do is upset her.

“Don’t worry about it. I just... My mind went blank for a moment. Please don’t worry about it, Kirigiri-san.” He winces when he says her surname like that, and her expression doesn’t change. His heart raced with the very real possibility she saw through him anyway—but then she only nods.

“It seems we’re going to have to keep a better eye on you,” Kirigiri notes, almost sighing. “Though Naegi-kun’s optimistic about you, Komaeda-kun.”

He almost laughs at that, a smile cracking at his dry lips. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from SHSL Hope. I envy him—being able to retain such faith in someone like me...”

Kirigiri doesn’t say anything in response. But she takes the water by his stand and refills it. Then she rummages through the cabinets to find the appropriate medicine to take with it. Komaeda’s smile starts to fade.

“Here,” she offers, and he takes it immediately, swallowing down the pills with large gulps of the clean, cold water.

His stomach churns unpleasantly, but he thanks her politely all the same.

He ends up vomiting just as Naegi returns, and Naegi rubs soothing circles into his back and holding back his hair as he heaves over a trashcan. It helps because Naegi immediately shushes any self-deprecation that falls from his lips like further bile.

“We’ll get you something for nausea, Komaeda-kun.” Naegi says kindly, handing him some napkins to wipe his mouth off. Komaeda does so, and Naegi starts tugging him to get to the bathroom so that he can brush his teeth. Or maybe Naegi’s going to do that for him. The thought drags him down.

“You know,” Naegi murmurs as he helps him walk. “It’s alright to lean on me if you need it.”

Komaeda does. Though all it does is help him fall further.

No matter what medication they give him, the sickness never fades either way.

Things get worse when his dreamless nights disappear. He ends up dreaming a lot more than he wants—remembering things he really doesn’t want to think too much about.

His death in the stimulation comes up a lot—and it’s bizarre because he’d been resolute in the procedures. He wasn’t scared of dying, not if it was for a purpose. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt—that he didn’t scream through the tape over his mouth. That he didn’t nearly choke through tears the second his lungs were filled with that poison.

That he didn’t have regrets and at the time, couldn’t stop thinking about...

...Hinata showed up in his dreams too. Hinata taking his hand as he pulled him up from the beach. Hinata fretting so much as they walked that he kept bumping shoulders with him. Hinata standing before him, looking torn with wariness and worry, and Komaeda unable to stop thinking that he might really...

Hinata with long black hair and red eyes piercing into him. Red. Red eyes. Red eyes piercing into him—red nails digging into him.

Komaeda halts his thoughts then and there and proceeds to risk overdose on sleeping pills so that he can pass out and fall into the void rather than getting dragged down there.

Admittedly that wasn’t the best option.

“Komaeda-kun, if you’re having trouble with sleeping, just say so!” Naegi actually looks angry—frazzled and...worried. Was he scared? It was just a few more days spent hospitalized, thankfully, and while it’s a bit disappointing, Naegi still... “Please. You have to say something when something is wrong.”

He really doesn’t understand and Naegi’s voice gets softer. “I don’t know how much you remember what happened at the academy—but I do. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to see anyone go through that ever again. Especially not you—not again.”

“Naegi-kun...” His voice still sounds dead to his own ears and that just makes it worse. Naegi actually starts to shake as he reaches forward to grip Komaeda’s left wrist. His grasp is careful, wary of the bandages, and Naegi’s gaze just lowers.

“Were you having trouble with nightmares? Did you get scared?” Naegi questions these things quietly, gentle but coaxing. Komaeda feels bogged down with each soft word permeating his mind. “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. Please. I want to help you—and I want you to want...”

I want you.

Komaeda silences him by placing a hand on his cheek, shushing him carefully, and Naegi looks eager to hear him unwind. To hear him spill everything he needs to—and Komaeda knows he’s only going to disappoint so he apologizes beforehand. “You don’t have to forgive me, Naegi-kun.”

And before Naegi can say anything else, Komaeda presses his mouth to his.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs against Naegi’s slack, surprised lips before pulling away. “I’m really, really sorry.”

Naegi sucks in a breath, fights back the urge to bring his fingers to where he’d been kissed, and only smiles like he always does for Komaeda. It makes his heart hurt even more. “It’s fine. It’ll be alright, Komaeda-kun.”

There’s a tremor that goes through his body at those words. But Naegi’s perfectly willing to let it drop. He doesn’t say anything else and well, Komaeda won’t say anything, either.

Even though, if he remembers correctly, that was the first time he ever kissed someone. And to think, it was something he used to dream about a lot about. Having someone he would kiss—kissing Naegi in particular. Something he once accepted as an event that would never happen.

Disgusting.

The day Naegi insists he gets up and walks around to stretch his legs is the one he wants to stay in bed the most. But only because otherwise, he really doesn’t care as long as he doesn’t risk having to perhaps encounter his old classmates. It’s cowardly, of course, but he can’t...

He gives in but refuses to use a crutch so Naegi sticks by just a bit closer. He would have been with him anyway—no one trusts him, after all. It’s fine, as awful as it is, Komaeda likes that Naegi’s there. He’s a good stable point after all. SHSL Hope.

His lips sometimes burn with the memory of the kiss. But that was with Naegi-kun, not SHSL Hope. But Naegi-kun is...

“Careful, Komaeda-kun,” Naegi steadies him as he stumbles, sighing as Komaeda meekly apologizes. “It’s fine. I’m not mad. Just worried.”

Naegi’s always worrying about others he really should be more apprehensive of. Especially when that other is Komaeda. Considering that he still wants, no matter how much he tries to crush that yearning, Naegi really should be more uneasy than he is.

For some reason, it’s hard to say all that. So Komaeda just nods along and they keep on walking through the long, solitary corridor. The light shines in through the windows on the left side of the hall, filtering onto the tiles, and because he needs to stop looking at the ground to not look at Naegi, he glances out of them as they pass.

He stills to a dead stop in his tracks.

The first thing he notices is someone who has to be Owari, swinging her arms out and slamming them against a laughing Nidai. Even though she looked different—thinner because Komaeda remembers that she was the one who—there was no doubt it was her. They were being cheered on by Sonia, Mioda, and Souda as Tsumiki remained safely on standby tucked under the tree covers. Hanamura was given access to the grill, making what were probably lewd comments under To—the Impostor’s careful gaze. Koizumi and Saionji were chattering animatedly, and Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama were close together as well. Tanaka was more separated from them, though he wasn’t alone as he was just giving bits of food to the birds picking at the ground before him. No, not one of them was really alone.

Except. Where is...?

Souda turns to greet the upcoming presence. Long black hair was done in a braid—who did that, Komaeda wondered—and Ibuki is the first to rush up and tackle the other into a hug. He turns around to his other classmates—no, associates—and once Komaeda sees his face, his mind goes completely blank.

With his smile bright and wide and eyes shut as the rest of the group greets him and gathers around him, there’s no doubt for a moment that it’s him. Hinata-kun. He can’t hear what they’re saying or what Hinata’s saying, of course, but with Hinata’s grin on full display, he doesn’t feel like he needs to.

Hinata never was good at starting conversations, but his expressions were enough. Happy beams to let everyone know he was content—alert focus to show he was in deep thought or carefully listening. Uncertain frowns to show his worry. Gritted grimaces to challenge. Komaeda watches the emotions flicker across his face as keenly now as he did then.

That smile, though. It’s not one he’s witnessed often—mostly if not only small, almost sheepish grins accompanying shy gratitude. Ones that Komaeda could easily return back then. Back then. Now, though...

“They look like they’re having fun,” Naegi notes and it almost makes him flinch. Komaeda feels cold sweat run down his cheek as the younger gives him an easy grin that’s just like his—just like Hinata’s—and... “How about we join them?”

Hinata-kun won’t smile like that for me anymore. And it’s not like I don’t deserve it. But...

“Aren’t you going?” Hinata, looking at him warily and yet expectantly, and Komaeda could only smile. He can’t now, even as he says the same thing now as he did then.

“I’m not so unaware of my position that I can just walk out there... If I did that, I’d just ruin the mood.” The words come out easily, and he turns away from both Naegi and Hinata, staring back down at the cold tiled floor. “It’s nice that you think it’s so easy, Naegi-kun.”

“Komaeda-kun, it’s...” And because Komaeda can’t bear to hear him say how fine it is when it’s not—he just snaps.

So it ends up this way, with him pinning Naegi to the wall and desperately trying to connect their mouths together as he tries so hard to ignore the heat from the window beating down on his back.

It ends up wrong. He apologizes profusely when his chapped lips scratch against Naegi’s softer ones. But he pulls the other close when Naegi just gives his sweet, forgiving smile, and their mouths rub almost painfully together with his disgusting continuous indulgence. It’s like he’s starving and this is the only thing that fills his stomach—but the necessity is distorted into greed and at this point, Komaeda doesn’t even care if this overabundance causes his insides to collapse—he just needs.

So it’s more like a drug. A drug. Disgusting. Disgusting.

“Komaeda-kun,” Naegi sighs. Komaeda nips at his lip, teeth gently tugging at them and hands beginning to tremble as he reaches to thread his fingers through soft brown hair. “Komaeda-kun, it’s okay.”

No, it’s not. Komaeda shakes his head before pressing his mouth to his, muting anything else from coming out. Don’t. It’s not.

Naegi responds, pressing back and steadying him with hands on his shoulders. Somehow that undoes him even more—and Komaeda gives a desperate moan.

“It’s alright,” Naegi pushes him away gently when he presses into him harder, the meeting between their lips nearly suffocating even as he greedily tries to take in more. Komaeda’s breathing harshly, drinking gulps of air and trembling like an addict going through withdrawal. It’s disgusting. It must be sickening to look at.

“I-I’m...” His forehead falls into the curve of Naegi’s shoulder. His neck hurts from having to lean, but he can only pull the other closer. “I’m... I’m...”

Naegi holds him in the hallway like he did the first day, the same gentle comfort and loving condolences. He strokes his hair, careful not to get caught on any unsightly knots, and Komaeda’s shaking in his arms like a leaf. It’s too bright—the light from the window, he can’t stand looking at it.

Naegi must somehow notice because he tugs Komaeda back to his room a little later with not much else.

He pulls Naegi practically on top of him when he’s back on his bed, connecting their mouths and needing this far more than he needs the image of Hinata’s bright smiling face on someone with long black hair. There are other things too—how this feels like compensation for a time before all that, those memories he does have of Naegi where Hinata isn’t there. This isn’t a surprise because Hinata is not and was never an elite.

He’s nothing special. No talent. And yet.

“Komaeda-kun, enough,” Naegi parts from him, placing his fingers over Komaeda’s quivering lips. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what? What is there to talk about?” Komaeda asks, attempting a smile but it withers on the spot. He wants to run a hand through his hair, but doing so would require relinquishing the grip he has on Naegi’s shirt. He shakes his head at the idea, though it makes Naegi’s frown deepen a bit. “It’s impudent though, isn’t it, that I’m even doing this. It’s audacious, unthinkable, and I don’t know why I...”

“Komaeda-kun, it’s alright.”

“Why do you always say that? As much as I respect you, Naegi-kun, even I know you’ve got that wrong. It’s not alright.” Komaeda laughed, wheezy and awful and it hurt his throat. Naegi doesn’t even look afraid, not like Hinata did. “It’s not alright because I’m still here. I’m still alive. After everything I’ve done, I should be dead by now—I think I ought to be dead.”

Naegi grips his shoulders, and before he can so much open his mouth to form a denial, Komaeda continues so that he can’t. “I know what I’ve done, and...when I remembered after you found me the first time... I managed to put the pieces together. I somehow managed to piece together the full extent of what I’d done. All I ever did was play into her hands. Again. I was used by her—that person I hate more than anything...and I let her dig her nails into me and squeeze.”

She always held him so tight with silk-laced steel in her tone and hands.

And I didn’t even try to fight her—I didn’t even try. I just let her do as she wanted—helped her achieve what she wanted, I just... I just...

At some point, he just stopped struggling. He just let her do...as she wanted...

“Komaeda-kun!” Naegi exclaimed, and Komaeda was only vaguely aware of why. He was curled in on himself—arms wrapped around himself as tremors wracked his body without relent. His breathing quickened, grew heavier, and his face was wet with sweat and what might be tears. Naegi shouted his name again, and he curled in tighter, beginning to hiccup and hyperventilate.

I’m not dead. Yet he’s never felt less alive in his life. He’s choking on air, feeling like an old coat being yanked in different directions with each worn, ugly thread severing, and despite there being pain—his chest hurts, his throat hurts, his joints are starting to hurt—he’s losing more and more of himself with each passing second. Not dead. Not. I’m not dead.

He hears something. Naegi trying to get to him? But it’s dark, he’s not sure, and he doesn’t know—what’s even going on. I’m not dead. But. But... I should be. I really should be. I meant to be. I wanted...wanted...

Then he just stops thinking. It’s too dark.

He wakes up exhausted. The IVs are back in his arm. His body feels like lead. More than anything, he wants to fall back asleep. Never wake up again until it was better. If it got better.

But I’m not dead.

Komaeda lifted his head weakly, wiping off his forehead and blearily blinking at his bandaged stump of a wrist as it rested calmly against the sheets. There wasn’t any blood anymore—there used to be so much blood. His head really was starting to hurt. He needed to take something for that.

Oh, and something for his earlier freak-out. That probably worried Naegi. He doesn’t want to do that again: worrying Naegi...

Nae...gi.

Where’s Naegi-kun?

On cue the door opens, and Komaeda turns with an immediate smile. One that immediately falls from his lips as his jaw goes slack and curls fall before his eyes.

“Komaeda,” Hinata wets his lips, hand squeezing the knob of the door before he ultimately lets himself in, closing it with his back. “I...was told that you...”

This isn’t a joke, is it? I know you’re cruel, Luck, but this is...pushing it. I don’t like it. I’m not happy with this—this is surely bad luck and that’s not fair... But Komaeda forced a smile again, and his giggle sounded painful even to his ears. “Good morning, Kamukura-kun.”

Hinata stilled, and Komaeda saw anger flicker across his features—no, more like a kind of fury—but then Hinata steeled himself, yanking his hand through the long black locks and muttering, almost inaudibly to himself...something. Komaeda couldn’t make it out, not really. Just as he was about to comment on it though, Hinata cut him off with a snarl of his surname.

“Komaeda, just what the hell...” Hinata glared, head lowered and gaze almost glowing beneath his brow. A warning sign—one that would have been frightening considering the face. Hinata’s never made it before and, in all honesty, the actual Kamukura’s expression was threatening in a sense, sure, but more a perpetual state than anything else. Not to mention back then, Komaeda outright laughed at that face. Somehow he manages to laugh again here and it makes Hinata nearly tremble. But he doesn’t say anything, so Komaeda starts.

“You can here for something.” Even with a smile on his face, his voice sounds cold. He feels cold, too, and Hinata even froze with those crimson eyes going wide. He looked more like Hinata with that face. Komaeda’s tone grew icier. “What, exactly, was it that you wanted?”

“I...” He hesitates long enough.

“If you don’t know, then you should leave. Come back when you do, you know?” Komaeda nearly rose his arm to gesture, but stopped dead when he realized it was the wrong one. So he gives up on that and thankfully doesn’t stumble on his next words. “I’ll be here when you do. Perhaps.”

Hinata snaps out of his surprise and glowers again, and he almost reminds Komaeda of a cat in the way he puffs out with ire. It’s actually cute. Komaeda giggles into his hand and that irritates him further because of course, it would.

“I-I...” It’s strange Hinata hasn’t left yet. He usually would have at this point. Instead, it’s like his feet are still rooted to the floor, which is extra strange because Komaeda really would prefer it if he just stormed out like he always does when his tolerance for Komaeda runs low.

Perhaps he wants answers. He didn’t ask for them last time and now is the perfect opportunity. I’ll give them to him, too, if he just asks. Maybe if I make that clear, he’ll...

“Hinata-kun, if you want...”

“I was worried about you.”

Komaeda stills, expression blank with confusion. Hinata seemed to blurt that out without thinking. And before Komaeda could brush it off with an easy ‘no worries’, it was like Hinata snapped in that moment he was taken off-guard by the statement.

Because, abruptly after saying that, Hinata was shouting. “I was worried! I thought something happened when I heard about you blacking out after a panic attack and I—I got fucking scared alright?! You were out of it for days. I didn’t know if you were going to wake up! I was worried sick about you, Komaeda, and considering the shit you pulled, I really shouldn’t have been!”

Hinata spews it all in one breath and at the end of his rant, he’s panting, breathing heavily, and Komaeda can only stare at him blankly. A little bit later and Hinata chokes out an aggravated sound, covering his face with the action. He shakes a bit again, like despite allowing his outburst, that heavy weight on his shoulders remained, and if Komaeda had been in the right frame of mind, he’d be disappointed. Or would that have been wrong?

Though he does agree that, “You...really shouldn’t have been, Hinata-kun.”

“So you did know,” Hinata darkly laughs behind his hand. He really does sound tired and sick of this. It’s not an unfamiliar reaction to Komaeda—he’s seen it before in countless other people but... “You’re such a piece of work.”

Komaeda can no longer look at him. Instead he’s looked at his bandaged wrist again, lying without worry on the sheets over his lap. There’s nothing to hide anymore, he thinks. He also thinks he really needs to have these bandages replaced. “I’m...fine now, Hinata-kun. Thank you for worrying about me.”

It’s just the polite thing to say. He isn’t sure if he means it or not—not that it matters, because Hinata can’t read him anyway. He even has that much more familiar look of frustration on his face at Komaeda’s platitudes. Nothing’s really changed.

“I really don’t get you.”

But at least...

“You try,” Komaeda manages a smile, and he actually feels it’s a bit more genuine this time. “That’s more than I can ask for.”

“Just like with Naegi-kun, right?” Enoshima sing-songs. “You’re still so desperate for affection, Komaeda-kun.”

...wait.

Enoshima giggles brightly from where she was laying her head upon on his bed as Komaeda turns slowly to look at her. She smiled up at him, continuing cheerily. “Some things never change. In fact, isn’t this situation exactly the same?”

It was the same. Exactly the same.

“First Naegi-kun...” Naegi, who was nice to everyone no matter how wretched they were. Naegi still smiled for him even now.

“Now Hinata-kun...” Hinata was smiling so brightly with everyone else earlier. He’ll never smile for him like that though, never.

Enoshima’s smile widened, her index finger tracing shapes into his thigh. “Even though you went through the trouble of opening up to another person, the result is still the same. Isn’t that a shame?”

It wasn’t just random shapes actually. She was tracing letters. She was spelling it out.

“But now you have two people so I guess it isn’t all bad. Naegi-kun’s finally letting you do what you want, Hinata-kun’s even running after you... You could have it all right about now. So I guess it’s not so bad...”

She reaches for his hand—a hand that not only mirrors her own but is her own—and their fingers entwine impeccably. Enoshima held it tight, painted pink lips pulling into her brightest, loveliest beam. “But we know how this ends, don’t we Komaeda-kun? Don’t worry though, when you’re lost again after those two both end up leaving you, I’ll be there. I’ll even hold you, if you want—I’m not going to leave you, Komaeda-kun...”

It’s certain—that’s right. I trust my luck, but... “You lost.”

She lost. She’s gone—she’s dead and she’s never coming back. This is wrong—she’s wrong. I’m not dead—this is wrong. I’m not dead, I’m not... I...

I want...

“Komaeda?!”

Komaeda’s eyes shot open, and Hinata’s face was...close. Over him. Looking stricken and then relieved when he blinked several times in confusion. Held. He...was being held? Hinata’s arms are tight and warm around him, he can hear his heartbeat, and why was he on the floor in this embrace when he should be in his bed?

“Komaeda,” Hinata says, voice hushed before he lets out a heavy sigh. “You lied.”

But she lost. I’m not dead. I want...

“You’re not fine now. You said you were—you aren’t.” He’s all matter-of-fact and weirdly upset about it. But he’s still holding onto Komaeda tight like he’s worried letting him go will allow him to slip away. As if Komaeda has some other place to be other than locked up in a hospital room with only Naegi as his sole...contact.

Hinata-kun’s here though? Yes, Hinata was here holding him. Naegi. Where was Naegi?

“I... Hinata-kun?” His expression changes, from that weird upset to pity, and Komaeda’s handled more carefully than glass as he’s lifted up—almost effortlessly on Hinata’s end, when was he this strong? Surely not Kamukura—and Hinata lays him back on the bed, only flickering his uneasy glance to the unhooked tubes fluttering by the machines once before looking away in distress. “Hinata-kun, where is Naegi-kun?”

Hinata’s gaze snaps back to him, wide-eyed surprise before hardening into something cooler. “I’ll tell you if you give me some answers first.”

Ah...huh? “Hinata-kun, you could have just asked...”

“They have to be good answers too!” What constituted as a good answer? But Hinata explained that. “I mean, I have to actually understand what you’re trying to say rather than you getting all wishy-washy like you always do...”

The frown on Komaeda’s face might have softened him a bit—making that sternness on his face fade, because Hinata adds in a much quieter voice, “Just answer me as directly as you can, please? I want to understand.”

Komaeda does nod, and the other takes a deep, deep breath.

“Did you really want me dead?” Hinata asks, still all quiet. “Did you want us all dead? Did you really want everyone including yourself dead so badly?”

It’s strange. Strange. “I...did. I wanted...”

To eradicate despair. To spare the world from more suffering. To end it. If I could. If it was in my cards. Everything I did played into that girl’s hands.

“Got’cha,” Hinata sounds both like he expected the answer yet it still managed to disappoint him. How boring. Komaeda cracked a weak smile despite himself. “Well, you didn’t get what you wanted.”

“Not entirely true. After all,” He turned that weak smile to Hinata, managing to make it a bit wider. “That girl isn’t here, is she? She’s gone. And she’s not coming back. I don’t even have her hand anymore. Of course—I didn’t get to kill her either. I didn’t even get to see her again.”

That’s right, that’s right, that’s...

“That’s for the best.” Hinata sounded sure about that. Truly...strange. “Meeting her was an unpleasant experience. You wouldn’t have liked it anyway.”

Komaeda laughed, and oddly...Hinata didn’t look scared. He still had that look of stern certainty and...strange. Strange. Was this really Hinata? This face... Komaeda isn’t even fully sure he knows or recognizes it. “Well, it’s a shame. But that’s that. It’s not like it wasn’t a possibility I’d die first.”

“You didn’t die.”

“I didn’t, did I? I failed on that account too.” Everything I did played into that girl’s hands. But she’s not here anymore. She’s not. “I...I want to see Naegi-kun.”

“Not yet.” Hinata has the decency to look somewhat ashamed, but his expression quickly hardens. “There’s another thing I wanted to ask. Nanami. Are you aware of what happened to Nanami?”

“That was after I died, how am I supposed to know?” Komaeda whined. “Obviously, I’m aware she wasn’t actually there, but that’s it.”

“That’s it?” For whatever reason, Hinata quirked an eyebrow.

“That’s...” He swallows and nods so hard that it hurts. “That’s it.”

She wasn’t real. My efforts were utterly pointless after all. All I did was play into her hands. Are you asking me about Nanami Chiaki to make fun of me?

No—Hinata wouldn’t do that.

He must have just really cared about her.

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha.

“I want to see Naegi-kun.” It’s funny, how he’s trying to smile and the efforts leave him shaking. “I want to see him, I want to see him, I want to see him.”

Hinata stares back at him. If his desperate face is being reflected back at him in those crimson pools—he doesn’t want to see it, so his eyes squeeze shut.

“I answered your questions,” he whispered, pitiful and childish. “Or is there something else? I would call you impudent, but given the circumstances... It’s just what I deserve, right?”

He hears Hinata’s intake of breath. He doesn’t want to think about what expression Hinata might be wearing.

“It’s not about that.”

“Why not?” He must come across as such a child. Such a stupid child. “Don’t you hate me, Hinata-kun? Surely you must. Not only did I try to get you all killed, but I was also just... I was horrible. From start to finish. I spoke of hope but I must have brought such despair. Not just to you, but to everyone, to...”

To Naegi-kun, too. I don’t have the right to be alive. Not when so many others aren’t.

Hinata just sighs. Like this outburst is nothing more than a dull annoyance. It’s enough of an insult that Komaeda opens his eyes, realizing then that his vision has gone blurry with tears. It even stings and wiping his eyes with his ruined arm surprisingly doesn’t do much.

“You weren’t horrible at first. You helped me out a lot,” Hinata mutters. He’s almost awkward about it, but shamefully, the tears won’t stop coming so Komaeda can’t look at him properly. Despite that... Despite this shameless, despicable display... Hinata places a hand on his shoulder. It’s warm to the point of searing. “I don’t hate you. Not anymore, anyway.” His hand pulls away, and Komaeda can’t catch it. “I’ll...go get Naegi.”

And because he can’t fathom having the gall to ask the other to stay, he lets his left arm fall. But... But, but, but...

“Thank you.” The blur that is and isn’t Hinata-kun pauses at the doorway. “For not...hating me. I really am sorry about everything, Hinata-kun. I’ll... I’ll try not to get in your way anymore.”

Maybe, Hinata turns to face him. Maybe he doesn’t. Komaeda can’t tell, not when he’s forcing a smile as the tears keep on running.

“P... Please take care.”

It’s funny. Hinata almost sounds choked up. That must be a mistake. It couldn’t possibly be. Couldn’t.

Let’s not think about it anymore.

Naegi brings with him a box of tissues. Kind, considerate Naegi. How wonderful he is—how wonderful he has always been.

If only I fell in love with you properly, Komaeda can’t help but think. He blows his nose, and there are flecks of blood in the tissue. They’re as red as Hinata’s eyes now. Before all this... I wish I had fallen for you properly, Naegi-kun.

“You’re so nice,” he can’t help but mourn. “I wonder if that’s because you’re SHSL Hope.”

“Oh, no,” Naegi laughs so easily. “I’m still as normal as I’ve always been.”

Turning her away when the rest of the world fell to her heels isn’t normal.

“Naegi-kun...” He dabs at his eyes before crumbling up the tissue in his hand. “To someone like me, you’re a superhero.”

“I’m just a guy, I swear.” He believed Naegi meant that. So, what was he supposed to think? “Komaeda-kun, I...” What was he supposed to think when Naegi looked uncomfortable, not just uncomfortable but unsure. “I want to help you not just because we were schoolmates, once, but because it’s just the right thing to do.”

What was he supposed to say to that?

Perhaps... Naegi-kun is exceptionally foolish. But...

“You wouldn’t be yourself if you abandoned anyone,” he murmured, a sardonic smile pulling at his lips. “I hate that. I hate that so much. It actually makes me feel even lower than trash.”

“S-Sorry!” Naegi really does look so apologetic. “I didn’t want to make you feel bad!”

“Of course not,” Komaeda sighed, and because Naegi was so close, because Naegi was hovering, Komaeda had the opportunity to kiss his cheek. And he took it. Inelegant and quick, a soft smack of his lips when the pressed against Naegi’s soft, round cheek. “Actually, you make me feel so good that I feel even worse. There’s no winning with someone like me. I’m just the worst, huh?”

He keeps talking, but Naegi is flushed so brilliantly. It’s funny.

He does look normal like this.

“I’m the worst,” he reiterates, and he wants to cry again but he can’t stop himself, “I like you—a lot. I love you, even.”

It’s normal to be afraid of rejection, he thinks, heart pounding so painfully. It’s normal, normal, normal, that’s why I can’t...

He can’t take it. Not here. Not like this.

Not when Naegi is smiling at him like that.

“Komaeda-kun... I...”

Not when Naegi speaks so softly, so gently, so sweetly—and takes Komaeda’s hand, squeezing. Just like how Hinata had squeezed his shoulder before.

No, exactly like that.

Just like that, he can’t bear to think about it anymore.

#Magi Fics #KomaHina #Komaegi #nagito komaeda #komaeda nagito

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witchcraft-in-wonderland · 3 years

Text

Radio Silence (Pt.1)

-------------------------

Logan Devros was a very odd man, short, not particularly fit, with round black glasses that just barely left room for the rest of his face, and a rather large gap just between his teeth. But there was one thing that stood out more about Logan than any physical feature. Logan was mute, except when he had his hands on a radio.

Logan had always been a very inquisitive child, and at age sixteen he'd discovered something very much convenient, radio waves could be manipulated from an outside source to connect the words stored within into a neat string of sentences. He knew of course that other devices could do this just as effectively, but he liked to think that his own discovery was much more sentimental.

Another thing that was quite well known about Logan, was his prowess in terms of guitar, he couldnt tell stories with words, so instead he told them with strings, and what stories they were.

You could always tell what mood he was in by the songs he played, a low and somber tone brought in questions about his life and living conditions, a high and energetic tone gathered crowds of excited people, ready to toss a coin or a dollar into a guitar case which lay in front of a bar stool.

Logan lived in a small town, so it was no surprise that he knew all his patrons, and they knew him just as well.

But soon things began to change, people began moving away to bigger and better things, opportunities opened up in large cities with loud noises and bright lights that made Logan's skin crawl just thinking about them.

And so the crowds dwindled, until what had once been at least a hundred, was hardly more than a handful.

So Logan had stopped playing, it didnt make any sense to spin stories that no one would listen to, after all, he was quite tired of that from his childhood as it was.

So he stayed in his room, head resting on a desk as the sun peaked through the curtains, tapping his fingers and twisting dials on a radio, repeating the same phrases over and over again.

Alone

Sad

Forgotten

Worthless

Like some cruel melody that would never make it's way to the strings of the old guitar laying on his bed, just those four words, over, and over, until he got up to eat or sleep or whatever else required him to leave his room for a few seconds.

And it all came crashing further down within the next month, the town was all but abandoned, and was soon on it's way to being bulldozed into an amusement park.

Which meant Logan had to move.

So he took his four favorite words, and he wandered the streets for the next few days, not daring to think of all he had to give away to simply move somewhere safer.

Not daring to think of the memories.

Not daring to think of the people, the family he'd be leaving.

And two years later it still hurt, but at least now he could use a few new words.

Order up!

Refill at table seven!

Have a good day!

The bakery and boarding house he'd found himself situated in had been a very ironic bittersweet opportunity.

Patton Boleyn had inherited the company from his parents, he was very chatty, and very interested in Logan's radio, and his music. Logan would sometimes play for the patrons when he wasnt serving, that seemed to satiate the obvious hunger for violence that swam in the eyes of those just itching for a reason to gain money rather than spend it.

Patton didnt seem to mind that Logan only spoke through radio waves, and for the most part neither did the locals, it was only ever tourists that seemed to have trouble understanding that he could very easily hear their orders despite not being able to repeat them back.

"Pretty good haul tonight huh Logie?" Patton said as he checked the register.

New books replied the radio, Logan smiling as he counted out his share of that nights earnings.

"Oh! That reminds me, theres a book club starting tonight! I think you should go," Patton smiled, Logan froze slightly.

No socializing protested the radio, Patton pouted slightly.

"Just try it out? You barely interact with anyone but me, it's not good for you!" Patton nudged Logan slightly in the arm.

Logan let out a resound sigh, one of the few sounds he could make without static.

One night replied the radio, and despite the distinctly hyper-tone of the song the words had been pulled from, Logan's expression conveyed disdain for the idea.

And yet, soon enough he was sitting in a library, wishing he'd remembered to get a hair cut when the resident little old lady had commented on how nice it looked, checking every few seconds to make sure the black beanie he was wearing still sat securely on his head.

The radio was held tightly to his chest, hidden behind a large black hoodie, and emitting a faint buzz that he hoped was another case of his ears picking up the Forbidden Sounds that most couldnt hear.

The only discussion occurring seemed to be of what to read, and how you should interpret what you're reading. Logan thought about drifting off soon after someone mentioned how the color of someones curtains could be used to determine what mental illness they might be suffering from, until someone else spoke up.

"Cheryl I hope you are aware that the words that just came out of your mouth may very well be the dumbest sentence ever constructed by a person." Logan looked across the table to see a man in a torn denim vest and black tank top leaning over the table, honey-colored eyes staring down the woman across from him.

"You cant tell that someone suffers from a disorder based purely on their curtain color, and while those suffering from certain illnesses may be more inclined to pick colors that would be less than ideal, but would reflect how they feel, a man hanging up the color black hardly indicates a depressive state so much as a fear of the unknown, which you would know had you actually finished the chapter and reached the part where he's confronted with a rip in the curtains that allows him to see what goes on outside his home," said the man, straightening up and checking his nails through fingerless black leather gloves. The woman across from him seemed floored.

Logan let out an involuntary snicker, and froze up immeadietly as attention became refocused on him. He felt like putty under the gaze of those honey yellow eyes.

"Am I to assume you agree then?" Said the man, leaning his head on his hand and letting his elbow rest on the table.

He reminded Logan somewhat of a snake, from his eyes, to the pattern of brown and tan that made of his complexion.

Yes came the radio from behind Logan's jacket.

"Oh it's that little mute boy from the bakery!" Logan's face flushed with color at the comment from somewhere else in the room.

"I believe his name is Logan." Snarled the man in the denim vest.

Logan spent the rest of the meeting wishing he could disappear again, because it seemed that now that they were aware he was here, people interrupted conversation of books with questions about his personal life and how awful it must be to have no voice to speak with, to which he replied with a quick rendition of his favorite song by Lilly Allen from the radio.

Eventually it was over, but to Logan's momentary dismay, he was stopped before he could head home, only to discover the man from before had been the one to catch his attention.

"I'm Janus by the way," he said simply.

Nice to meet you the radio chimed, Logan flashing a small smile to accompany the words.

"Wanna head back to my place for a drink or two? I feel kind of bad about what happened in there," Janus said, Logan merely nodded.

What he hadnt expected from Janus' house, was the very active roommate he had roomed with.

"Oh I didnt realize he was so tiny! Janus look at him I could probably hold him over my shoulder with one arm!" The roommate, Remus, was rather tall and lanky, almost like if someone had taken a worm on a string and given it limbs.

I am not short replied the radio as Logan crossed his arms and glared up at Remus.

"Aaawww, hes in denial," Remus replied.

This conversation carried on for a short while before Janus arrived with drinks, not that Logan minded, it was actually kind of fun.

And he found himself thinking that Janus and Remus themselves were actually quite nice as well.

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

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@willowaudreykeyes

@pricklyfish777

@the-sad-strawberry

@itsnithbabey

@private-snippers

@extercs-experiences

@rich-flower-17

@theonetruebeepboop

@mycatshuman

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@meowthefluffy

@frawkeye

@cemmy

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

#cori writes #radio silence #ts patton #ts remus #ts logan #ts janus #tw ableism #intruloceit #romantic intruloceit

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laceymorganwrites · 3 years

Text

Kiss Goodnight

Word count: 1,285

Pairing: incubus!Atsumu x human!reader

Warnings: swearing, mentions of sexual assault and abuse, mentions of physical abuse, lethargy, mentions of suicide, mentions of depression and other mental health issues, this is overall very sad and has a negative view on life, please don´t read if any of this makes you unvomfortable, this will not make you feel better

Summary: Atsumu got exiled from hell, starving he stumbles upon you who voluntarily lets him feed on you. He´s shocked that you´d be willing to throw you life away and makes it his mission to show you all the joys of being alive.

A/N: The song ´Kiss Goodnight´ by IDKhow really inspired this fic, therefore it deserves to be the title. This is the last part of my Halloween event, I really hope you enjoyed it!

Taglist: @varia-venus @wansseul @newfriendjen @luvsuna @babythotshq

Event masterlist

Incubi and succubi were always looked down upon by the other demons of hell. Though, that always seemed to change depending on the current ruler.

Some centuries they were just the whores, who couldn´t do anything else but fuck, sometimes they were the weaklings who couldn´t fight as was the case with the current ruler.

But no matter what stamp they had to carry, they never were demons with emotions like the others.

Atsumu was fucking sick of it all.

He didn´t want to be looked down upon, in fact he wanted nothing more than to be adored and appreciated.

Though, lately he just wished to disappear altogether.

From hell, from this fate that just wouldn´t let him go no matter what, from the claws of the devil.

The thought of escaping hell for good was always in his mind, but until now he never went through with it, not wanting to disappoint the others and least of all leave his little brother behind.

Osamu had it way worse than him, being forced to be the personal servant of the devil, Atsumu had been in the same situation multiple times, only that he had to give up the last bit of his dignity not to get killed.

He felt dirty and disgusting every time he did what his kind were supposed to do in the eyes of the devil.

Before, Atsumu never really thought about it, he always knew that he felt more than other demons, it was just in the nature of his kind.

So he never really questioned offering his body to those willing to taste it, after all he thought that sex was a sign of ultimate love.

Oh, how naive he was.

Nowadays whenever he was summoned to earth to be the plaything of some disgusting human who mistreated him worse than the devil, he always felt like a wreck afterwards.

Retching until he couldn´t taste them anymore and crying himself to sleep only to suffer from nightmares of his past and the things he was forced to do.

Maybe he was the weak one for leaving after all.

Even though he told Osamu beforehand, he never ratted him out, he just let him go. For the longest time Atsumu thought that it was because Osamu hated him, when in reality Osamu just wanted his brother to escape this gruesome reality he was forced into.

Osamu knew Atsumu had it worse than him and he hated that he had to watch, that he couldn´t do anything about it.

If only he was stronger.

Maybe then they could´ve run away together, maybe then Atsumu never had to give his body to people who didn´t appreciate him, maybe then Atsumu didn´t have to feel so guilty and be haunted by terrors every night.

Atsumu wanted to disappear while you just wanted to be seen.

Life was cruel to both of you, maybe that was what drew you to each other.

You met him in the alleyway near your place one night when you got home.

He looked so worn out, so tired, so starved and just like the type of trouble you always got involved with. Of course you couldn´t just leave him be.

Atsumu was grateful, he didn´t expect kindness from a human.

Though at first when you invited him into your home, he was suspicious.

Luckily you didn´t have any ill intentions like the others of your kind, you were a strange one anyway.

Your smile didn´t reach your eyes, it was forced and you didn´t even try to hide the fact that it was, which intrigued Atsumu to no end and at the same time made him incredibly sad.

It reminded him of himself.

You gave him food, clothes and a place to sleep without even wanting something in return.

Atsumu wanted to know why but when he asked, you simply stated that the worst thing that could happen would be him killing you, which still would be way better than your current life.

Those words touched Atsumu to the core, it hurt how much he could relate.

Perhaps he had gotten too attached to you already, well, he for a fact did judging by the way his hearts clenched for you.

Damn him and his heightened emotions, they were always what got him hurt.

For some reason he didn´t sense any danger or lies from you, maybe that was only a false sense of security though.

Atsumu learned that he could never be too careful around humans, developing a distrust against everyone who crossed his path.

“So what do you do for fun anyway?” he asked, trying his hardest to sound intimidating and disinterested at the same time while concealing the fact that he wanted to get to know you better.

He really thought he was being smart, there.

You looked at him as if he just asked you whether it was normal that trees grew arms.

“What makes you think I have fun?” you coldly stated, not being saddened by this statement anymore.

Atsumu on the other hand was bewildered.

Sure, you looked so empty and devoid of any emotions all the time, but there had to be at least something that made your face light up, that brought a smile to your face.

He wanted to find out what that was, he wanted to find out who and what hurt you to become like this, a shell of who you used to and could be.

“But you have so many fun things to do here! The cinema, arcades, concerts, festivals, the food here… there are so many things that I could list right now, but it still wouldn´t be enough. There has to be something that makes you smile” he scowled a bit, thinking about all the days he just wandered through your world, desperate to find something that made him feel alive again.

“I´ll smile the second someone puts me out of the misery called life” you dryly said, making Atsumu frown.

Your words hurt him more than anything else ever had, more than the greed of humans, more than the devil´s lust, maybe not more than leaving his brother behind.

Atsumu didn´t know what to reply to that, instead he just looked at you with the utmost sorrow in his eyes and asked if it was okay to hug you, after you voiced your indifference, he pulled you closer to him, wrapping his strong arms around you and cradling your back.

“I´m sorry” was all he said because he didn´t know what else to say, what else to do.

He had never felt so helpless in his life, all he wanted to do was make you happy, but you wouldn´t let him, you refused to see that life wasn´t all bad.

And honestly, he understood.

Because sometimes things you couldn´t control dragged you down and fogged your vision to a point where you thought that there was no such thing as happiness and the worst thing was that you couldn´t escape this mindset.

Well, not without help anyway.

But you couldn´t ask for help at the same time because you didn´t trust people, you were on your own in your mind, you didn´t want to believe that others were going through the same thing as you and it hurt Atsumu.

This stubbornness as a self defense mechanism he knew so well.

Before he left to go home again after the news reached him that Kita was now the ruling devil, he gave you a bucket list of things that always made him happy whenever he was in your world.

Atsumu hoped that before you´d be reunited you´d live a fulfilling life with no more regrets.

#haikyuu #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu atsumu #halloween event #atsumu miya #atsumu x reader #atsumu imagine #atsumu oneshot #atsumu scenario #hq #hq imagine #hq oneshot #hq scenario #hq atsumu

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obeymeluv · 4 years

Note

Hi lovely! I’m not sure if your requests are open but I just worked out for the first time since ive gotten super depressed! It might not be that big of a deal but can I get some geadcannons on how the brothers would react to this? (: (their lover working out for the first time in months because of their mental illness)

I respect this so hard and am super proud of you. I have similar struggles so it always makes me happy to see someone able to get back up. Good job :) These headcanons will be short because I’m getting ready for bed and have to get into school mode, but here you go! ♥

Lucifer

It wasn’t uncommon for him to wake you up, or even gently start the day by sitting at your bedside and whispering sweet nothings

He opens the door soundlessly, as always, and is quite surprised to see you in the middle of doing a yoga series. Thankfully, your back is to the door

Pride blossoms in his chest and, for the first time, it doesn’t feel heavy like the burden of his sin

It’s warm and joyful and feels like an old memory of the Celestial Realm, a call back to happier days

His eyes mist over a bit but no one can confirm it

Lucifer is a perfect, beautiful statue that watches for a few poses before slowly inching back towards the doorway to peek around the corner

Pretends like he never saw anything when you go about the rest of your day, but is absolutely glowing when he looks at you.

Lavishes you in his fancy praise, as always. (”You look enchanting, my love. Simply radiant today.”)

Mammon

He’ll deny it to the day he dies, but he craves your company.

Actually, he’s more likely to admit it when you’re in a depressive episode because you’re tender and vulnerable and that’s how he really is when he lets his guard down. That’s when people need the most love, and you’ve put him back together so much that he wants to repay the favor 1,000x fold

Mammon’s very surprised to see you running careful laps up one set of stairs and down the set on the other end of the hallway (that explains why it took him so long to find you).

It’s like speed walking. He watches for a lap and a half to make sure you’re not rushing off anywhere. You know, making sure nothing’s serious

When he realizes you’re exercising in earnest he’s super stoked. Like, #1 hype man.

“That’s my human! Yeah!” Mammon becomes your cheerleader

Drops sly comments about how it’s actually a good glute workout and he’ll give you a massage afterwards

Keeps up with you more than you’d expect (models train hard, okay?) but does get bored. Maintains cheer position

Carries you around the rest of the day when your legs are sore

Levi

Levi had to do a fair bit of research on depression when he realized you weren’t converting to being a fellow otaku shut-in

The two of you still enjoyed cuddle times, and sometimes he could engage you in games, but the health of his beloved was important! Humans couldn’t be without exercise for too long or it would be bad for them

It’s super awkward but he tries to invite you swimming and things. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy. He understands, and is totally down for cuddling you (with partial back rubs) while playing games

Makes sure you eat and definitely splits his rations

Enjoys the small walks from his room to yours, and makes sure you guys drift between them a couple of times a day. That helps humans, right?

Levi realizes fairly quickly that you haven’t been to his room in a while and goes to check on you

You’re hopping in patterns across the floor, slowly making your way to his room.

You look like you’re having fun!

He’s not sure what you’re doing, but you hop, you squat, then you lunge.

You lock eyes with Levi mid-lunge and wobble a bit. He’s a little pink in the face, but because he’s laughing in sheer delight at how spooked you looked.

You end up flopping over and Levi crouches beside you, offering his hand

When he hears you finally had a burst of energy and wanted to work out, to start over again, he’s very proud of you

May or may not have compared you to Henry and shared some of the more harrowing moments the hero went through (also how he’s awesome and came back better than ever!)

Invites you for a swim and you actually accept

After some laps and splashing about, you spend time floating and cuddling

Satan

Depression is sometimes just a thing humans go through, Satan is finding out.

Between Devildom books and human books, he kind of understands

It’s a thing of time, and sometimes other methods help. He personally thinks the lack of sun in the Devildom is the main culprit

Gives you healthy snacks and tracks down vitamins

Tries to get you to walk the gardens but realizes he can’t force it

Sometimes he gets you outside, reading under trees and lanterns

Satan roamed the House of Lamentation, intending to steal you for another outside reading session, and was surprised to find you out there already

He watched from a high window, peeking tentatively from behind the thick curtain, and let the amused smile cut his lips

Suddenly, you disappeared out of sight. Satan waited for what felt like ages until the logic of ‘the fastest way between Point A and B is a straight line’ kicked in. He held his book carefully, unlatched the window, and jumped out

Demons have good joints and sturdier bodies. The drop and landing was nothing for him.

He calls your name and starts walking around.

It’s not until he’s made a full lap and you’re giggling (behind him somehow?) that he realizes you’re just leisurely walking laps around the house

Super embarrassed that he got worried (and that you ended up behind him). Jumps when you touch his shoulders or if you hugged him around the waist

You’re happy and...yourself for the first time in a while and Satan’s heart is so happy. Before you can break the hug, he twines his fingers with yours and just holds your hand to his body

Eventually you break away, kiss his shoulders, and start a game of tag that turns into sky-watching, and laying on his chest as he reads

Asmodeus

He knows how to break hearts but he ALSO knows how to fix him

He’s always trying to get his brothers to hang out and make good memories. Despite what he says and how he acts, he really cares for them from the bottom of his heart

You count, too. You’re like, top tier. Basically family. VIP space. Maybe SPOUSE space (but that’s too fast for a human, right?)

Though rare and private, Asmo has his bad days, too. They can either be fixed, or they can’t. Usually things are just distractions. The heart will heal in its own time.

Asmo went to your room with the latest round of pampering but stopped short of announcing himself. Does he hear...music?

Nudging the door open with his foot, his eyes light up so pink the gradient is disappearing.

You’re dancing and humming, making faces at yourself in the mirror.

His heart clenches with a beautiful pain because you’re so vibrant and lively and he knows it was hard for you to find this again

The pampering is abandoned for an impromptu PRIVATE dance party

Silly and sweet things, waltzing and just being close, hugging as you sway side to side

Lots of forehead kisses and pet names.

Beelzebub

He didn’t think your behavior was out of the ordinary since Belphie slept a lot.

Beel is always motivated by something--food, sports, working out, family stuff--so he’s not familiar with the lack of desire to do anything

When he learns you’re not just catching up on sleep and you might be having a rough time, he asks Lucifer and Satan what to do

They decide you should work out. That releases endorphins in humans and that sounds like what you need!

The attempts don’t go well, but you’ll at least come out of your room and be a resistance weight for him

Beel went into the weight room to do some pre-warm up exercises. He was mentally planning his reps and figuring out what muscle groups were on the schedule when he heard the clinking of weights

His brothers had other ways of working out so that meant only one person could be in the weight room

Beelzebub stamped down the urge to rush in and watch you in all your occupied glory, reminding himself you could drop a weight on yourself (or worse)

His purr gives him away

He’s proud, borderline excited, and just purrs long and loud from the entryway

Jumps into the workout with you, doing light exercises

Beel gets a little playful adjusting your posture, but it’s all sweet hugs and rocking you back and forth

Regardless of what muscle groups were on the schedule for the day, it’s arm day because he’s lifting you up, throwing you a little, and catching you in his arms

Give this happy, snuggly boy some kisses

Belphegor

He can sense your state of mind by the nature of his sin. He sleeps a lot and has a knack for telling when someone’s sleep is anything but restful

Belphegor’s not 100% sure, but he thinks he can tap into your dream space. There’s this little ball of sad-tired-something that lets him know you’re not okay

There’s quiet mini-dates that ease the sting of your sadness, but he knows it’s not enough

When he sleeps, he has dreams about you being happy and hopes he can push them into your mind

Cuddles fix things. He’s down for couple naps.

Belphegor goes in and out of sleep; it’s during one of his periods of waking that he notices you’re not there

Hugging his pillow, he shuffles about the House of Lamentation to find you

He finds you cleaning and organizing the kitchen. Cleaning is a sign of healing, right? Lots of movement?

Belphegor realizes you’re doing more than cleaning. You’re stretching and lifting things like they’re Beel’s weights

It looks time-consuming, and like you’ve been at it for a while

Belphie plonks his head on your shoulder, asking how you’re feeling. He’s got that sleepy Cheshire Cat smile

You’re just as happy as can be, happier than he’s seen you in a while, and you celebrate by stealing a bunch of snacks and making a blanket fort in his room

Hope you liked it :)

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seijch · 3 years

Text

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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greylunar · 4 years

Note

I have a house lore question. Would you agree that Gryffindors and Ravenclaws tend to be more ideologically motivated and that Slytherins and Hufflepuffs tend to be more... personally motivated? Not sure I am phrasing this right but basically: Gryffindor/Ravenclaw: This is my cause, I believe in it. Slytherin/Hufflepuff: This is my person, I believe on them. Just as a general rule, not true in every case. (1/2)

Also, Gryffindors and Slytherins are more devoted to their cause/person whereas Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws are more likely to be able to be able to reevaluate their standing with the person or cause if they feel they are no longer totally aligned with it/them. Again, just as a rule of thumb. (2/2)

I wrote an insanely long answer to this so more under the break, warning there’s a LOT of like, psychoanalysis down here and a lot of its very personal and about core aspects so like please proceed with caution and PLEASE ask me to tag if I forget something

Super weird note to start this off with but did you have an icon of a dog like two days ago because if that was you it looked like my dog and made me really happy (I love the aesthetic of this one too, A+ design)

Anyways! I do have A Lot of thoughts on this topic in particular, and I’m glad you asked because I know that my interpretation of the houses verges more into “Casper has a specific idea of the sort of personality spectrums he would align into these broad JK-based categories” than “canon” haha c: My “rule of thumb” for causes/ideologies is this:

Hufflepuff: “This is my belief.” This is what is good, what is right, what I know I should fight for and stand up for when the time comes. I will stand by this belief, because a part of me wholly excepts it as fact and uncompromising. I may, however, not always be able to stand up for this belief, as there are situations where I have to evaluate what will be the safest for me and the people I love. But you will have a Hard Time changing a hufflepuff’s mind on something they believe unless you can prove to them that its hurting people and somehow in the wrong. In that case, a new belief is formed to account for this information. Now, here’s where people (in I guess my version of house lore) tend to misjudge hufflepuffs. If one of their People repeatedly acts against their fundamental beliefs, they will either A) fail to remain one of that hufflepuff’s People and get dropped from that sort of list or B) just,,, badger them with facts/reasoning/their opinion until either the hufflepuff changes their mind or they change the Hufflepuff. (Side note, but on how Puffs handle ending relationships of any kind with folks: Hufflepuffs tend to,,, ‘ghost’ toxic people because of their uncompromisable nature on these very core beliefs. A hufflepuff will often give someone a thousand and one second chances until they realize that person either refuses to or is completely unable to accommodate one of their core definitions of good/justice/kindness/personhood and then usually hufflepuffs just kinda bounce. They often struggle with conflict in an overarching sense and, to put it in a Puff’s terms for avoiding a person they couldn’t handle being around anymore “Damn, wish I could just like, disappear into the woods in Oregon somewhere and get a dog and not have to think about this and my friend Tim could make a true crime podcast about having known me.” This is normally a MOMENTOUSLY hard decision for a Puff (i mean yall get it its the house of loyalty) but its very key that Hufflepuffs don’t align themselves with people, they align themselves with beliefs or personal truths. When push comes to shove, the loyalty a Puff has is often to the concept of goodness and kindness and the Concept of People rather than clinging to a specific individual if they directly oppose those beliefs)

Slytherins: “This is my person/these are my people.” Slytherins are a house of change, and their belief systems are mostly fluid (often based on social rules, for example, “I know people don’t like it or get hurt when these types of things are said, so I will now no longer say things like this from now on” OR alternatively “I am Very Aware that acting like this makes people vaguely unnerved, and I Am Choosing To Act Like This Continuously because I am using it to separate myself from others/people deserve it/god wouldn’t that be hilarious”). Slytherins don’t have a lot of ‘fundamental beliefs’ in a way that at least they would refer to as fundamental beliefs, our lovely snake friends often struggle with knowing themselves and defining themselves rigidly enough to label them like that. In a,,, slightly depressing note some common ones are “I have to earn my worth” and “other people deserve more than me.” Hey Slytherins, I don’t remember where I heard this, but worth is a capitalist concept fed to you by corporations and you are inherently human and therefore loved and important and deserve the world. That all said, what Slytherins do not waiver from their people. Slytherin friends will text you three years after you last talked because you posted something vaguely sad on Instagram and they wanna make sure you’re good. Slytherin partners and friends will love you with all of them, the whole of their being. If someone is mean to me, my Slytherin friends will end them, and I have to be like “bro I’m not even mad, you’re being mad for me.” Slytherins don’t ghost their People, they will drag your ass through the mud until you are healthy or By God They Will Fist Fight Your Mental Illness Themselves. In this way, Slytherins are a lot like Hufflepuffs. The problem lies in when Slytherins find they don’t have any more belief or energy left in their stores to drag themselves up too. Perhaps now is the time to realize you should be one of the People you will fight for too.

Gryffindors: “This is my cause/this is a fact” I’m not going to touch too much on the “here is my ten-step plan to save the world, step one is I Do It” Gryffindors, because I think we’re all familiar with that concept of them. Again, Gryffindors will join the Peace Corps, hufflepuffs will give the person who needs cash twenty dollars if they see them, its a scope thing. What I want to dive into with Gryffindors is the Stubborn Bastard Energy that we know and love them for (I do legitimately mean that as a compliment). Gryffindors RARELY and I’m talking Borderline Never bend or leave behind a fundamental belief once they’ve established it. Gryffs often assume that these beliefs are inherent, they would not be themselves if they were not Certain about this, and therefore that certainty is essential to who they are. Therefore Gryffs deal in personal truths, or things they have decided are facts, pillars that do not change. You will want to punch your Gryffindor best friend sometimes because they put something in their head when they were six because of what someone on the playground said and now they live by that and sometimes physically struggle with processing contradictory information. This can be great, if a Gryff internalizes something like “I should do no harm” or “I will Fight A Bully” but has more frustrating consequences when its something like “If someone does something bad they are irredeemable, and I should never again respect them.” For Gryffs, sometimes the best thing to ask yourself is “wait, Why do I think that, and are there any cases that are exceptions to these rules.” But fundamentally, Gryffs often are the ones to save the world because they already believe it is a fact that they will, and that they should.

Ravenclaws: “This is complicated/This should be seen from all sides” and THEN “I’m about to end this mans whole career over this” Ravenclaws are such a fun house for this question. Ravenclaws often have a sort of information gathering stage before they even consider the idea of having an opinion in their head. Ravenclaws want to make sure they know everything they can about a cause/an issue/a person before they make that Final Call of verbalizing or standing by something, because a very serious fundamental fear for Ravenclaws is being embarrassed. I don’t mean to minimize that or invalidate it in anyway, a lot of Ravenclaws would rather be dropped in a pit of [insert distasteful creature here} than have the shame in their minds of being caught on the wrong side of an argument, without all the facts, or unprepared for a thorough discussion. Ravenclaws in this information gathering stage will often say things like “I’m not sure to be honest, I haven’t looked into it that much” or even “I don’t really like to have opinions on matters like that because I don’t think I could ever know enough to represent what I should correctly.” THAT SAID. That’s phase one. But y’all if a Ravenclaw Decides, even without acknowledging they have, a Raven Decides. From anything from “this 18th century poet was a lesbian and you simply will not convince me I’m wrong, here is a list of reasons why I’m right” to “So Determinism exists, and I fundamentally believe that, I am fascinated on what you think about Free Will though,” Ravenclaws are the probably the most complex on this subject inherently because of how much they want to make sure they know the truth. Ravenclaws will re-evaluate their beliefs, but if the information you’re bringing to the table isn’t valid enough to hold up against their previous evidence, there’s not a whole lot you’ll be able to do about it. Ravens will struggle if asked to take a stance before this phase though, so friends, please remember that no one is ever going to remember if you raised your hand and said something a little less intelligent in high school English than you would have liked other than you. It is more than okay for you to forget that too.

#high school mention #physical violence mention #ghosting mention #mental illness mention #tw mentions of violence #tw mental health #tw toxicity #yall if i miss something just let me know #tal asks #theprintedlabyrinth #hp lore #hufflepuff #ravenclaw #slytherin #gryffindor #quiz related content

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thethousandyearwitch · 3 years

Text

The Show Must Go On! Chapter 4

- A Youtuber AU you didn’t want and didn’t need -

Hisoka Morrow, italian Makeup Youtuber, enjoys his life in the comfort and occasional drama of his profession. But nothing brings more drama into his life than the eldest son of the Zoldyck fashion magazine empire.

Meanwhile, aspiring australian Twitch Streamer Gon Freecs forms a special bond to a Speedrunner commonly going by "Kil".

Chapter 4 “Shifting Sand Land” out now!

AO3 Link

Illumi had always feared that one day he might inherit any of his mother's illnesses. It wasn't out of the question, and he considered himself lucky that no ailment had reared its head so far into his life.

"Do I look as good as how I feel, darling?"

Until now.

Suddenly it felt like years of sickness had caught up with him, spun his head around and made his stomach curl.

It was a coincidence that this sickness would appear the second he laid eyes on Hisoka, wearing the suit that was fitted just for him.

It was a coincidence that he looked like all those marble statues in museums, sculpted in the image of gods and lovers.

It was a coincidence that this sickness could be swallowed and repressed like any measly feeling he had ever encountered.

"I told you to wear a shirt, maggot."

And the symptoms disappeared.

But the disease didn't.

----------------------------------------------------

Gon: Killua?

It had been quite a while since Killua had responded to any of Gons messages. Well, it had been about 2 hours. But compared to their normal pace of slinging messages at each other any passing minute, this felt like an eternity to the young boy. He wondered if he had done anything to upset his friend, though their last conversation was just usual banter about breakfast, snacks, and the new battle pass.

He fidgeted in his seat a bit more, the classwork Aunt Mito had supplied him with almost entirely forgotten. The now broken routine made his bones itch, but the attempt of any distraction just made him fear he'd miss when Killua would finally come back.

So, he waited.

He even started half-heartedly filling out the math quiz that had been taunting him from the corner of the desk, though he always glanced back at the computer screen.

Question number 27: (X-3)²-25= 0

Ping

Gon wasn't sure what to do first; Be thankful that finally Killua replied or be thankful that he found an escape from this hell called math.

Kil: Yo.

GON: Hey!!! Are you okay? :O

Kil: Yeah, whats up?

He was obviously not okay. But Gon knew that pressing the issue wouldn’t make things better, though if he pretended like everything was alright would just be an issue bottled up.

GON: Do you wanna play some Fortnite Duos maybe? We can try grinding for the new tiger costume you like :D

Kil: cant

Kil: my mom took my fucking PC away in attempt to become mother of the year

GON: :( im sorry!! But im sure she’ll give it back soon, right?

Kil: fat chance, I probably have to wait till my brother comes back from his stupid trip

Gon tilted his head in thought. This has probably been the longest Killua had ever talked about his family with him. Up to this point it had only been passing remarks about siblings whose actions and personalities melted into each other due to lack of discernible unique traits, and that his family was rich.

GON: How long is that going to be?

GON: Maybe your mom will calm down and change her mind <:(

Kil: lmao, maybe if id actually study now shed be satisfied enough

Kil: but theres no way in hell im going to give her what she wants

Kil: ESPECIALLY NOW

GON: So whatre you going to do??

Kil: idk

Kil: talk to you and think about how to set fire to this place?

The young boy smiled, though for some reason he could feel a knot tighten in his chest.

GON: How about only talking to me for now?

And they talked. For a couple of hours, they talked about Gons new streaming schedule, about how he wanted to have one dedicated day in the week solely for collaborations. They talked about a new exploit for Super Mario Sunshine that could potentially scrap 10 seconds off of the current World record if executed correctly. They talked about how Leorios medical-student VLOG channel had been trending again after he made a hypocritical video about the damages of energy drinks.

Kil: he could have at least cleaned the infamous pyramid out of frame…

GON: Haha he said that in hindsight too

GON: But I think it was his boyfriend who finally made him clean it up -v-“

Kil: must be nice to have someone living with you who gives a shit

Kil: I think at this point the housekeeper hasn’t even touched the minefield that’s my brothers room in months

GON: It can’t be that bad :”D

Kil: you bet?

Kil: what do you think, how much chip dust is needed for an anime figure to come to life?

The mental image of Killuas home slowly shifted in Gons mind again. A large mansion, bedrooms as big as some apartments, with individual housekeepers for everyone. And one room dedicated to imitating a postapocalyptic anime merch shop.

And somewhere in that large mansion, is a room probably equipped with a messy bed, a (now empty) desk and gaming chair, maybe some shelves with books and games. In the middle of it a slightly blurry figure, maybe a bit shorter than Gon, pale skin and messy hair and piercing bright eyes.

He had seen pictures of Killua, a handful of selfies taken at his desk, one picture his sister (who he’d mention the least from his mysterious family) had taken of him in front of a rose bush. And no matter how dimly lit the picture would be, or out of focus, or taken from a distance; His eyes were always the first thing Gon would focus on. At first, he was convinced that he was using a filter, there’s no way someone in real life would have eyes like that.

But Killua did. Killua hid electricity behind those eyes, dangerous and yet enticing, beaming with a life energy that can barely be contained. Gon had heard poems and songs about blue eyes, though none of them ever came close to describing eyes like these. Or the feeling Gon would get from looking at them, tingling in his fingertips, making him smile and giggle and stomp his feet. Kind of like getting a victory royale.

Gon has other friends besides Killua. But none ever made him feel the same way when they talked. He craved no one’s presence as much as he craved Killuas. And something inside him felt the constant urge to tell Killua that, to tell him how much he meant to him, what’s so amazing about him, how he didn’t want this friendship to end.

But that’s just not something friends would tell each other unprompted, and it’s not something that could easily told to Killua, who danced around the word “friends” as if it were a dangerous animal. So, he didn’t say anything.

Kil: gon?

Kil: did you fall asleep?

GON: No haha, I was just thinking about how huge your house must be!!

Kil: yeah its huge and ugly, sometimes way too loud, sometimes really fucking quiet

Kil: im sure it must be nicer in your home

GON: I mean, it is pretty nice, but its also a little lonely I think

GON: All my friends live closer to the city, so usually no one is around to just come outside and hang out :^T

Kil: if I could id fly over right now and you could show me all the gross spiders that rule your continent with 8 iron fists

GON: They aren’t gross!! Spiders are really fun once you get to know them :^D

GON: And you know, you’d always be welcome here, Aunt Mito would be thrilled to meet you ^^

And Gon meant it. Though Killua never let too much slip of his family life and surroundings, Gon could tell it was trouble, and he deeply wished he could give Killua even just a one-day break from whatever went down in that mansion.

Kil: since we are both home schooled, we wouldnt even need to wait for summer break or anything

GON: Right :^D And its not like either of us are big on studying either ^^”

Gon glanced briefly at the disregarded Math work and shuddered.

Kil: you mean it, right?

Kil: if I were to text you some time that im at an airport and im coming over, you wouldnt let me be stranded somewhere on your prison continent, right?

GON: Of course not!!!

GON: … but I’d prefer it if you give a heads up so I can clean my room :^D

Kil: thanks gon, I appreciate it

Kil: i appreciate you

Gon felt his heartrate skyrocket. Of course he’d let Killua stay, even if he rang at his door without any prior notice. Because even if it goes unsaid, Killua was his friend. Maybe even his best friend. And he’d do anything to keep him safe, or to just give him one minute that he doesn’t have to think about his family. He wanted to see those blue eyes reflect the Australian sun, free of worry and tension.

GON: I appreciate you, too

#hisoillu #killugon #Hunter X Hunter #killua zoldyck #gon freecss #hisoka marrow #illumi zoldyck #fanfiction #hxh fanfic #yeah this fic isnt dead fsdjgh

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #352

my head’s a mess and a half, i can’t think of lyrics to put here so yeah here’s the survey

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Uh I think it was a pepper in this Healthy Choice dinner bowl I had yesterday. What was your last Facebook notification for? A friend liking this photo I shared of some beautiful, small rock and pebble sculptures of people. What bands have you seen live? Just Alice Cooper. Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She only has one kidney due to the other being taken out because of kidney cancer when I was a kid. Coincidentally, her father was actually born with only one as well. What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Nothing really comes to mind. What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? SUPER against? I dunno, man. What are your plans later today? I don't know. Yesterday my mother informed me that Jason's mother died, and since then I've been in shock. I was in awful condition yesterday because I absolutely adore(d) her like she was MY family, and once upon a time I thought she would be officially, and I still feel very, very dead. I doubt I'll get anything done today. Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? Definitely not exciting... Mom and possibly I are probably bringing Jason's family food for the family get-together they're having (we're not staying for... obvious reasons), but she's unsure because it might be a bit too awkward. I'll stay in the car because I don't want to disrespect Jason's space, but I REALLY want to go through with this. His mom was so important to me, and I don't want to just... do nothing as if she meant just that. I want the family to know I never stopped caring just because there was a breakup. Plus I wanna give Jason his favorite chocolate bar to try to bring him a bit of happiness. I can't imagine what he's feeling, and my instinct of "I need to protect him" absolutely never went away. Who do you talk to the most? My mom. What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Go to bed before 9PM, sometimes even before 8. And my knees pop like a motherfucker. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt and Sam. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Neither; instead, I just wish it was clearer. I have extremely dry skin, especially on my arms, so I have little bumps and marks there, as well as little freckles over my body. Having like, porcelain skin would be amaaaazing. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it. Look more badass, haha. Have you had an x-ray in the past year? I think so, on my legs. It may have been over a year ago, idr. Do you think your first love still loves you? I don't want to know. I really don't. What is something that is “going right” in your life? *blinks* When did you feel ready to start dating? Seriously, probably late middle school. When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? My snake Venus has never bitten me. Meanwhile, my cat Roman lightly (and sometimes not so lightly...) bites me pretty much every day when I play with him, lol. Where were you the last time you made out? My bed. When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I probably haven't done that since I met Sara irl. How do you type your sad smileys? One of these three: :( or :c or :< Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No. What was the last soda you drank? Mountain Lightning, a Mtn. Dew ripoff bc we're cheap, lol. What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I don't know. Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a cyst removal as well as tubes in my ears. Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Uh no????? Who was the last person to hit on you? That I'm actually aware of, Sara. I'm quite sure nobody has since. What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? I was too weak to even clean the litterbox last night. I just wanted to go to bed. I need to do it today. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Hm. Maybe that I didn't love Joel? It was just really awkward and I felt awful about the whole situation. What do you put on hot dogs? Ketchup and mustard. Ever fallen in the shower? I've fallen OUT of the shower. I was extremely dizzy and was trying to get out, and I just passed out onto my chin. Broke some molars and got a concussion. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about? Probably a bitch or something. Do you think that things will get better? I sure hope so. Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? I guess I kinda have. My WoW friend Lisa and I were talking, and she wasn't feeling well at all when she suddenly disappeared. Coincidentally, her husband got home RIGHT when I messaged her again, wanting to check up on her, and he heard the alert so checked it out. Lisa was knocked out on the couch having some medical emergency with a name I can't remember, and he just thought she was sleeping. Because of seeing the chat, he took her to the hospital when she probably would've died otherwise. She insists I saved her. What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy. Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No. Do dogs like you? They definitely seem to. Animals in general honestly do. Would you say that you project an air of authority? Definitely not. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. I've always wanted to, but I was too scared at any opportunity. Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) I just use one. I dry my hair first, then my body. Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No, but I did see one of them from a plane when I was flying to Sara's. Who do you know that had a baby recently? My high school friend had her daughter Persephone literally a couple days ago. Cute little thing. Do you like Usher’s songs? Oh wow, what a blast from the past. I don't even recall the names of any, but I remember I enjoyed some as a kid. When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Wow, it has been YEARS. Like, not since I was a teen. Have you ever ridden a train? No. What do you eat your French fries with? Ketchup, sometimes. Do you have family problems? Not really. What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Bread, I think. How do you like your grilled cheese? Just a normal 'ole grilled cheese. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I don’t cook. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video games. Have you ever been close to drowning? Yikes, no. Have you ever had a panic attack? Countless. Do you like doing housework? No, who does? Would you ever get implants? Nah. Do you own a robe? No. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I don't trust people who don't eat pizza crust. What was the last song you listened to? "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance. It's making me cry, but I really need to. Have any of your family members been to jail? No. None that I know of, anyway. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? An old friend, yes. Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No. What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? My mental illnesses as a whole. Have you ever had any teeth pulled? No. Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? No, but only because it's not realistic. I don't want to travel. What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I don't care about TV 'til MM resumes, and then absolutely whenever The Edge of Sleep is released. Mark is a key actor in it. How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I couldn’t be. What is your favorite Queen song? Ha, I'm aware this is probably everyone's answer, but "Bohemian Rhapsody" is the bop of all bops. Do you know how to use any foreign currency? No. Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? BEEN kissed, yeah. By Juan. Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No. When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Now. What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? It was a group date where we went to this big arcade one night. What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? None. What is the reason you’re still alive? That's a big answer that I'm not in the mood to ramble about. Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yeah, oops. Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) HAHA this was the only lucid dream I've ever had lmfao. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? I don't remember. How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Like shit. "Virginia's still dead" just bitchslapped me. Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Well yeah. Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes, because I really did. Have you ever been threatened before? Yes. Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah. Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? Probably. The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Red. Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My mom. Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? What income? Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? No. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. Are your parents in good health? Not especially. They're both probably unhealthier than the average person. Dad smokes way too much to be healthy, and Mom has a plethora of issues. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No; it sounds awful, but I'm very doubtful I could be because I canNOT clean another human being. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No. Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? They're black Pokemon pants with Pikachu jumping by the logo. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My knees. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Both, but situationally. Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? Only once for prom. They were maroon, like my dress. Wait... or maybe I didn't wear them? Fuck, idr. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American history is way more fascinating to me.

#survey #surveys #questions

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twoidiotwriters1 · 4 years

Text

Written In The Stars LIX (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: This is almost the same as in the book only I added some stuff about Mel’s parents ig lmao -Danny

Words: 2,181

Warnings: This is all drama.

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Chapter Eighteen: The Animagi.

"You're both mental." Ron said in disbelief.

"Ridiculous!" said Hermione.

"Peter Pettigrew's dead! He killed him twelve years ago!" Harry pointed at Black.

"I meant to, but little Peter got the better of me... not this time, though!"

Black threw himself over the bed to reach for Scabbers, hurting Ron in the process. Mel pushed him away yelling.

"Don't touch him!"

A small wave shot off of her then, strong enough to move Black to the other side of the raggedy mattress.

"Sirius, NO!" Lupin yelled, reaching for his friend and sitting him up. Black was looking at her with curiosity. "WAIT! You can't do it just like that — they need to understand — we've got to explain —"

"We can explain afterwards!" Black snapped back, turning to face him.

"They've — got — a — right — to — know — everything! Ron's kept him as a pet! There are parts of it even I don't understand! And Harry — you owe Harry and Mel the truth, Sirius!"

Black's eyes moved from the rat to her face, briefly meeting her gaze. There was something in the way he looked at her, something close to recognition.

"All right, then. Tell them whatever you like. But make it quick, Remus. I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for..."

"You're nutters, both of you," said Ron holding Scabbers tightly against his chest. "I've had enough of this. I'm off."

"Don't be stupid," Mel replied, turning to face him. "You can't move."

Ron ignored her, he tried to get up on his own, but Lupin raised his wand again, pointing it at Scabbers. Mel was quick to raise her wand at him.

"You said you weren't going to hurt us."

"I won't. You're going to hear me out," He said quietly. "Just keep a tight hold on Peter while you listen, Ron."

"HE'S NOT PETER, HE'S SCABBERS!" Ron yelled in exasperation. He lost his balance and Harry caught him, helping him back on the bed.

"There were witnesses who saw Pettigrew die," Harry said calmly. "A whole street full of them..."

"They didn't see what they thought they saw!" Black exclaimed, with the remnants of his old insanity showing up.

"Everyone thought Sirius killed Peter. I believed it myself — until I saw the map tonight. Because the Marauder's map never lies. Peter's alive. Ron's holding him, Harry."

Mel wasn't looking at her friends, her wand still pointing at her uncle. She was starting to feel a bit drained after her boost of energy. She knew that if she had to, she wouldn't be able to hurt her uncle. She still saw him as her family, the only man that had made his part as some sort of fatherly figure. Yet, he was helping the one that had caused her to live without a father in the first place, and the deafening silence behind her let her know that the boys weren't believing even a bit of the man's story.

"But Professor Lupin... Scabbers can't be Pettigrew... it just can't be true, you know it can't..." Hermione started.

"Why can't it be true?" Lupin asked.

"Because... because people would know if Peter Pettigrew had been an Animagus. We did Animagi in class with Professor McGonagall. And I looked them up when I did my homework — the Ministry of Magic keeps tabs on witches and wizards who can become animals; there's a register showing what animal they become, and their markings and things... and I went and looked Professor McGonagall up on the register, and there have been only seven Animagi this century, and Pettigrew's name wasn't on the list —"

"Right again, Hermione!" Lupin said through a chuckle. "But the Ministry never knew that there used to be four unregistered Animagi running around Hogwarts."

"If you're going to tell them the story, get a move on, Remus," Black growled. "I've waited twelve years, I'm not going to wait much longer."

"All right, but you'll need to help me, Sirius," said Lupin, "I only know how it began..."

The bedroom door opened. Lupin got nearer and looked out into the landing.

"No one there..."

"This place is haunted!" said Ron.

"It's not," The man replied casually. "The Shrieking Shack was never haunted... The screams and howls the villagers used to hear were made by me."

Mel blinked in surprise, her hand slowly lowering on its own while her uncle continued his story. He'd mentioned it before, the Willow had been planted on the year he arrived at school, and it was right above the passageway that led to this place... a place to hide and avoid hurting others.

"My transformations in those days were — were terrible. It is very painful to turn into a werewolf. I was separated from humans to bite, so I bit and scratched myself instead. The villagers heard the noise and the screaming and thought they were hearing particularly violent spirits. Dumbledore encouraged the rumor... Even now, when the house has been silent for years, the villagers don't dare approach it... But apart from my transformations, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. For the first time ever, I had friends, five great friends. Sirius Black... Peter Pettigrew... and, of course, your parents — James, Matthew, and Emily."

She knew it by now, how close all of them were. Yet, she felt like it was all dream, that soon someone would wake her and say she was imagining things, that she and Harry had nothing in common and those secrets were all product of her imagination. She was tired of all the secrets. When Mel had asked him how'd he gotten his scars her uncle had said 'I was really clumsy as a child'. She had laughed at that, thinking all kinds of fun adventures involving him, now thinking of what really entailed those scars, her heart felt heavy.

"Now, my friends could hardly fail to notice that I disappeared once a month. I made up all sorts of stories. I told them my mother was ill, and that I had to go home to see her. I was terrified they would desert me the moment they found out what I was. But of course, they, like you, worked out the truth... Your parents were quite clever, Mel. They could sense a lie from miles away, but the really impressive thing was that they didn't desert me at all. Instead, they did something for me that would make my transformations not only bearable, but the best times of my life. They became Animagi."

"My dad too?" asked Harry in amazement.

"Yes, indeed," said Lupin. "Your mother didn't, Mel. Emily decided to stay out of it, she wasn't eager to turn into a bunny –She always joked about how she was sure that she'd turn into one of those fluffy white ones..." Lupin laughed quietly. "It took them the best part of three years but your fathers and Sirius were the cleverest students in the school, and lucky they were, because the Animagus transformation can go horribly wrong — one reason the Ministry keeps a close watch on those attempting to do it. Peter needed all the help he could get from James, Matt, and Sirius. Finally, in our fifth year, they managed it. They could each turn into a different animal at will."

"But how did that help you?" said Hermione.

"They couldn't keep me company as humans, so they kept me company as animals," said Lupin. "A werewolf is only a danger to people. They sneaked out of the castle every month under James's Invisibility Cloak. They transformed... Peter, or Matt, as the smallest of our group, could slip beneath the Willow's attacking branches and touch the knot that freezes it. They would then slip down the tunnel and join me. Under their influence, I became less dangerous. My body was still wolfish, but my mind seemed to become less so while I was with them."

"Hurry up, Remus."

"I'm getting there, Sirius, I'm getting there... well, highly exciting possibilities were open to us now that we could all transform. Soon we were leaving the Shrieking Shack and roaming the school grounds and the village by night. Sirius and James transformed into such large animals, they were able to keep a werewolf in check. Matt's had sharp claws and a strong beak, he could hurt if he wanted to. I doubt whether any Hogwarts students ever found out more about the Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade than we did... And that's how we came to write the Marauder's Map, and sign it with our nicknames. Sirius is Padfoot. Peter is Wormtail. James was Prongs and Ruddy..."

"My dad," Mel frowned. "Why?"

Lupin smiled.

"The bird he turned into was covered in Scarlet feathers– we thought it was funny, back then many things seemed funny to us."

"What sort of animal — ?" Hermione cut Harry's question.

"That was still really dangerous! Running around in the dark with a werewolf! What if you'd given the others the slip, and bitten somebody?"

"A thought that still haunts me, and there were near misses, many of them. We laughed about them afterwards. We were young, thoughtless — carried away with our own cleverness. Matt and I sometimes felt guilty about betraying Dumbledore's trust, of course... he had admitted me to Hogwarts when no other headmaster would have done so, and Matt had been almost a son to him, and he had no idea that we were breaking the rules he had set down for my own and others' safety. He never knew I had led four fellow students into becoming Animagi illegally. But I always managed to forget my guilty feelings every time we sat down to plan our next month's adventure. And I haven't changed..."

Her father was an animagi and he felt just as guilty as her for betraying Dumbledore's trust, she thought that maybe all of the Dumbledores would always feel a burden to carry out their name proudly, even if they didn't have anything special.

"All this year, I have been battling with myself, wondering whether I should tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. But I didn't do it. Why? Because I was too cowardly. It would have meant admitting that I'd betrayed his trust while I was at school, admitting that I'd led others along with me... and Dumbledore's trust has meant everything to me. He let me into Hogwarts as a boy, and he gave me a job when I have been shunned all my adult life, unable to find paid work because of what I am. And so I convinced myself that Sirius was getting into the school using dark arts he learned from Voldemort, that being an Animagus had nothing to do with it... so, in a way, Snape's been right about me all along."

"Snape?" said Black, suddenly he was just as interested in the story as the rest of the kids. "What's Snape got to do with it?"

"He's here, Sirius. He's teaching here as well." He turned to the children. "Professor Snape was at school with us. He fought very hard against my appointment to the Defense Against the Dark Arts job. He has been telling Dumbledore all year that I am not to be trusted. He has his reasons you see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me —"

Black scoffed.

"It served him right," He replied dryly. "Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to, hoping he could get us expelled..."

"Severus was very interested in where I went every month. We were in the same year, you know, and we — er — didn't like each other very much. He especially disliked James. Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch field... anyway, Snape had seen me crossing the grounds with Madam Pomfrey one evening as she led me toward the Whomping Willow to transform. Sirius thought it would be — er — amusing, to tell Snape all he had to do was prod the knot on the tree trunk with a long stick, and he'd be able to get in after me. Well, of course, Snape tried it — if he'd got as far as this house, he'd have met a fully grown werewolf — but your father, who'd heard what Sirius had done, went after Snape and pulled him back, at great risk to his life... Snape glimpsed me, though, at the end of the tunnel. He was forbidden by Dumbledore to tell anybody, but from that time on he knew what I was..."

"So that's why Snape doesn't like you," said Harry. "because he thought you were in on the joke?"

"And that's why he treats us like rubbish?" Mel asked bitterly. "We just remind him too much of his old bullies?"

"That's right," A cold voice said behind Lupin.

Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, his wand pointing directly at Lupin.

Next Chapter —>

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