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loverboytrashmouth · 3 years

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Of Macchiatos and Nicknames (pt 1)

pairing; Reddie

word count; 1.6k

summary; Eddie doesn’t mind studying at the coffee shop as much as he thought he would.

a/n; part one of two of a little coffee shop meet cute because meet cutes are my fav and also i’m a barista so i think about this kinda au a lot. also read on ao3 if you’d like! enjoy :)

Eddie didn’t even like coffee that much. He’d really only drink it when he needed the caffeine to get him through a long night of studying. He hardly ever visited the campus coffee shop, and if he did it was because Bill would drag him out of bed earlier than necessary to make a stop there before their 8AM lectures.

It wasn’t until one afternoon during midterms that Eddie began spending most of his free afternoons at the coffee shop.

It was a particularly windy October day, so Bill and Eddie decided they’d trade their usual study spot outside on their university’s great lawn area for the cozy coffee shop right on the outskirts of the main campus . Eddie couldn’t stand studying there; it was constantly full of loud students who would call themselves “study groups” when really it was just an excuse for them to drink their lattes and goof off. He had tried to convince Bill that they could just go to the library or back to their room, but Bill insisted he absolutely needed coffee, blaming it on his lack of sleep the night before.

“Just get me anything, I don’t care. I’m gonna get us a table,” Eddie said to Bill once they entered, already beginning to walk towards the mid-sized seating area. Bill gripped his upper arm and pulled him back.

“Definitely n-not. I’ll be h-halfway done my drink before you finish your dis-disinfecting routine,” Bill chuckled, earning a glare from Eddie. “I’ll go s-sit. You know my order. I promise, I’ll wuh-wipe down the table with the utmost c-care.” Eddie sighed in defeat, rolling his eyes at his friend’s teasing and lightly shoving him towards the seats. The shorter boy turned around towards the menu hanging on the wall, trying to figure out what the hell he was going to drink. His thoughts were interrupted by a voice coming from behind the counter.

“What’s your poison, ol’ chap,” it asked in a very obviously fake British accent. Eddie’s gaze trailed down to where the voice came from and his breath involuntarily hitched in his throat at the sight of the guy behind the register. He had disheveled curly black hair that contrasted - very nicely, Eddie noted - against his pale skin. He was tall, Eddie not needing to move his neck much from the position it was in to see the menu to look him in the eyes. The barista’s eyes, Eddie noted, were insanely large behind the thickly rimmed glasses that framed his face, but somehow he made them look good. Eddie’s eyes flicked down to the barista’s sharp jawline covered in messy stubble, his slightly chapped lips in a playful smirk.

“You gonna order something shortie, or are ya gonna just keep undressing me with your eyes,” the barista asked in his normal voice, the smirk never leaving his face. Eddie snapped out of his trance, feeling his face immediately heat up.

“Am I short or are you just freakishly tall,” Eddie shot back, his voice dripping with offense but he knew the color on his cheeks told the barista that he definitely had no ill feelings towards him. The taller boy shrugged.

“Tomayto tomahto, pretty boy,” he said with a wink. “Seriously though, whatcha havin’? It’s my duty to know.”

Eddie huffed out a chuckled at him and shook his head, before it dawned on him that he barely knew anything about coffee. Sure, he knew Bill’s order was called a “caramel macchiato,” but what if he said the fancy names of the sizes wrong and embarrassed himself? He was already anxious enough about ordering in the first place, customer service interactions being one of his least favorite things (he’s so glad his work study is in the library, stacking books with little to no human interaction). It didn’t help that the stupidly tall - and cute - barista was full force hitting on him like his life depended on making Eddie blush.

“Um, two mediu- no, grande, right. Two grande caramel macchiatos please,” Eddie finally decided after a few short beats of silence, mentally kicking himself when he realized what he said, because he hates caramel macchiatos. The barista tapped out his order on the register, taking a couple glances at Eddie as he did so.

“Alrighty, you got it. And what’s your name?” Eddie furrowed his eyebrows at this question, taken slightly aback even though it was no secret the barista had been flirting with him this entire conversation. The latter must have noticed Eddie’s confused reaction, as he clarified with a chuckle, “So we can call it out to let you know your order is ready.”

“Oh, right,” Eddie laughed, his cheeks heating up once more, this time more of embarrassment at his misunderstanding of the question’s intentions. He reached a shaky hand to the back of his neck, rubbing nervously as he answered. “It’s Eddie.”

The barista nodded his head, his grin growing wider as he typed Eddie’s name into the machine. Eddie began pulling cash out of his fanny pack when the barista interrupted his movements with his voice.

“Don’t worry about that, Eds. They’re on the house today.” Eddie tilted his head ever so slightly, his furrowed eyebrows returning once more.

“Did- did you just call me ‘Eds’,” he asked, receiving only a simple nod from the taller boy. “How’s it fair I have a nickname already when I don’t even know your real name?” The barista smirked that shit-eating smirk again, holding a hand out towards the smaller boy.

“Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier, at your service.” Eddie placed his own hand into Richie’s, the roughness of his dry skin making Eddie’s skin crawl, but in a good way.

“Nice to meet you, Rich,” Eddie replied with a smirk of his own, his eyebrows slightly raised. “Thanks for the coffees.”

“Anything for you, Eddie baby.” Another wink. God, Eddie’s face was so hot he thought he could probably fry an egg on it.

Eddie couldn’t hide the blush on his cheeks or the dumb smile that refused to leave his mouth as he walked over to the table Bill had chosen to set up study camp at. Bill watched as the smaller boy sat across from him and began placing books on the table, attempting to cover his smile with his arm.

“Wuh-wow, Eddie. I haven’t seen you blush like that since our s-sex ed course in high school,” Bill teased with a slight laugh. Eddie’s face heated up even more at the memory, as well as the fact that he’d been caught basically swooning over Richie.

“Shut it, Bill. You got those notes I missed when I was sick?” Despite Eddie’s attempt to change the subject matter, Bill pressed on.

“It was the barista, wuh-wasn’t it? I could s-see the way he was looking at you from all the way over-”

“Wait, how was he looking at me,” Eddie interrupted without thinking, his eyes full of hope. Bill laughed some more at his eagerness.

“Y-You’re kidding, right? I’m s-surprised he didn’t jump over the counter and attack you into a m-makeout session right then and there.” Eddie’s eyes widened at Bill, before glancing over his shoulder to look at the barista again as he was making their drinks. He must’ve felt eyes on him, because not even five seconds after Eddie turned his head, Richie looked up from the espresso machine he was working with and the two locked eyes. Eddie immediately snapped his head back around, but not before noticing the smirk that returned to Richie’s lips. Bill shot him a knowing look.

“Okay, he flirted with me hardcore and yes he’s absolutely my type but if I don’t study for this midterm I won’t be able to think about him with calc on the brain 24/7. Notes, please,” Eddie spat out at high speed, a habit he had since he was a preteen that occurred whenever he got flustered.

Bill passed the page of math notes over with an eyebrow wiggle, but Eddie didn’t get a chance to even glance at them before hearing an obnoxiously loud voice behind him call out, “ORDER UP FOR A SIR EDDIE SPAGHETTI.” Eddie mentally facepalmed at the nickname usage before getting up and walking back to the counter.

“Really? Eddie Spaghetti?” Eddie couldn’t resist the laugh in his voice or fond smile as he shook his head at Richie. Richie, in return, held the coffees out to him, and shrugged his shoulders with a grin.

“Cute nickname for a cute boy,” he commented casually. Eddie couldn’t believe how smooth this thick-glasses wearing, awkwardly lanky dude could be, especially when he felt as though he could burst with every sentence uttered by said thick-glasses wearing, awkwardly lanky dude.

“So, uh,” Richie started once Eddie had taken the coffee cups from his hands, their fingers brushing lightly and lingering a bit too long. Eddie noticed his ever so slight change in demeanor, leaving bold and flirty and inching more towards reserved and… nervous? “Can I expect to see you around here again any time soon?”

The sincerity Eddie heard Richie speak within that sentence made his heart flutter, as well as whatever anxieties he still felt in his stomach to slowly dissipate. With that statement Eddie realized he wasn’t just aimlessly being flirted with, but that this could actually, maybe, mean something a little more?

“You sure can, Trashmouth,” Eddie replied with a warm look in his eyes. Richie perked up at the nickname, his cheeks going pink as Eddie walked back to his table.

“Dude, I thought you hated caramel m-macchiatos,” Bill commented when he saw the identical coffees his friend was holding, but Eddie barely heard him. He was too busy stealing glances back at the barista.

#decided i dont like how sharing directly from ao3 looks as a post so here we are #my writing #reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #reddie fic #reddie fanfic #it #it chapter one #it chapter two #it 2017 #it 2019

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boredom-thingy · 5 years

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TL;DR- I have been sorta kinda diagnosed with Executive Function disorder (psychologist said it was very very very likely that I was suffering from it, but he couldn’t do anything) and I think I’m emotionally abused by my parents. I’m still trying to figure out whats what and what problem comes from where and if I can life hack it. I’m looking for help and/or other people suffering from the same things to add to the list. This is my list of symptoms.

Hey, all of you out there who struggle with executive function disorder or have been emotionally abused, or both. I have sorta been diagnosed with EFD and I think I’m being emotionally abused (I could be wrong and over reacting, I honestly can’t tell). Its been a while but I’m slowly discovering more and more symptoms that I thought were normal or scared the shit outta me (and still do) originally. Here’s an incomplete list, mind agreeing or disagreeing with them and adding your own? And/or how you deal with them?

My Incomplete (and ever growing) List-

Time. My sense of time is off, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. There are times when I think something happened 2 months ago when in reality, it happened years ago. I can be left home alone and when my parents get home and ask me what I did for hours on end, I have zero clue, its just a blank hole. I lose track of time extremely easily too.

Other Disorders. I often feel like my particular brand of screwyness happens to combine other mental illnesses/disorders like insomnia, depression, anxiety, adhd, add, odd, and paranoia among others

Depersonalization/derealization(dissociation). Especially here recently, I think I’ve been suffering from episodes of Depersonalization-derealization disorder. Its happened in the past but not as much as right now.

I feel like I’m going insane. Constantly. I feel like I’m over-reacting to everything, like everything is in my imagination.

I always feel like I’ve done something wrong/upset people. People I don’t know, people I do know, people I love. I always feel like I’ve upset them or I’m some kind of burden or I’ve done something wrong. (Leads to me apologizing to a chair for hitting it.)

Extreme clumsiness. This one is prolly just me. But its often a source of anxiety for me.

Social skills are next to nothing. I can’t make friends. All the ones I have were introduced to me by other people or approached me on my own. And most of the time they end up ditching me and telling me its my fault. Also, my timing is shit. I’ll walk up and ask you for something while you're busy.

Cotton. I feel like my head is full of cotton, like I can’t think straight. My thoughts are either spaghetti or a train wreck. I lose track of what I was thinking extremely easily.

Memory. My memory is shit. My parents claim its not, and I feel like it didn’t used to be, but it is now. I forget how to do something when I read or heard the instructions 10 seconds earlier. I forget things that are important to me, things that I wanted to get or do. I forget when things happened (ties in with the time issue.) I can’t remember important life events, or more accurately, I can remember them, but the memory seems weirdly muddled and I cant remember when it happened.

Food. I love food. But there are times when I’m light-headed and dizzy, and I know I should eat, but I just... Don’t want to. The thought makes me nauseous, its too hard to get up, I’m not actually feeling hungry (despite the fact that I can hear my angry tummy and I can feel the light-headed/dizziness), etc.

Being left alone (especially with not much to do). I don’t fear abandonment (ok I do a little, but that not the problem here.) I fear my own brain. I hate being left alone, especially for long periods of time because when I run out of things to keep my mind occupied, all those thoughts I forced to go away come steam rolling back. Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts, extremely depressing thoughts, disturbing thoughts that scare me witless, thoughts of running away, etc. I can’t stand my own brain. It scares me.

Motivation. I go to school online, 4.1 gpa (so far) and I am a fairly self motivated person. But there are times when I can barely find the motivation to grab my glasses off the nightstand 2 inches from my face and other times when I’m motivated to do something, I’m almost in a frenzy, and I’m hyper-focused on it. And there are times when I really want to do something (usually something that I love, like a hobby) but the thought of doing it makes me nauseous and I just don’t want to. Or if its a creative thing, like writing, I can’t seem to form a single idea or spark to get me started. My brain nopes out and I can’t do anything but stare at the paper, desperately wanting to write, but my brain is a bout as blank as the paper is.

Body-brain disconnect. Sometime my body and my brain seem to be on separate wavelengths. I want to stop scrolling through pinterest, but I can’t seem to make myself. I want to get up and eat, I know I need to, but I can’t make myself. I want to get up and do dishes or take a shower or do something, but my body just wont move. I want to go do something fun, like watch tv or draw, but I’m no moving, no matter how much I want it.

Pain. I am always in some kind of physical and/or mental pain. Headaches(near constant dull headache), back aches(always), cramps even when no where near that time(I am female), random muscle twitches/spasms/aches, etc. Oh and nausea. I’m nauseous a LOT. I also am light-headed or dizzy (or both) a lot.

Extreme mood swings. I go from being so happy I could burst to emotionally shut down and sobbing in the corner in the blink of an eye. I go from being so pissed off that I want to slam my fist through a wall and break things to being so depressed I want to kill myself and repeatedly slam my head against the wall until I can’t see straight. I also sometimes get extremely frustrated/angry with the smallest things, like a noise, or something not working right, or the pets being annoying. Sometimes it gets to the point where I want to scream and break something or hit something (I never do and try my absolute hardest not to.)

Morbid thoughts. Fleeting morbid thoughts, generally about somehow injuring/harming myself. I might see a light socket and think “oh hey, you should stick a fork in that and see what happens” or I might see a pair of nail clippers or scissors and think “I wonder what would happen if I tried to cut x-spot on my body with those.” When I was younger, I used to want to sew patterns in my skin with a sewing needle and thread (never did, thank god) so they would scar over and create neat patterns on my skin.

War. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain, I talk to myself a lot. (I am an only child with parents that run their own business ((making them constantly busy)) so that is very possibly a reason I talk to myself. I also have very few friends and I talk to walls and my two dogs as well.) I tell my brain to shut up, to stop it, I feel like it has a mind of its own. Thats weird to say. (woooooo I'm totally crazy, right?)

Apologies. I apologize to literally everything. And about everything. I’ll apologize to a chair for bumping it. I apologize to my boyfriend when I rant to him or ask for help from him. I apologize for anything and everything, small or big. The bigger the issue, the more embarrassed and upset I am about it. Even if its not big to the other person. Ties in with always feeling like I did something wrong.

Defense. I am always on the defense, and sometimes it turns into offense. I always feel like I have to defend myself and everything I do or say that might have even the smallest chance of upsetting someone. And if I know it has or will upset someone, I defend myself more, to the point that it sometimes becomes offense. I can’t stop myself, I feel like I have to defend myself or I’m going to lose something or someone, or they’re going to take something I want or love away from me.

Noises and other various audio things. Sometimes I feel like I can just barely hear someone calling my name, or a song, or a noise, or something just barely audible, but no matter how much I search for it, I can’t find it. Other times I can quite clearly hear someone calling my name, but I’m home alone, or when I ask my parents or the other people around me, they respond with confusion and a “no one called your name.” Other time noises, like beeps from the printer, even when I’m the one causing it and/or I’ve heard it multiple times in the past few minutes, jar me. They cause a jarring sensation, that is almost bone deep, I feel it in the back of my skull and it causes me to jump just a little.

All of these things are terrifying to me at various levels and they only seem to be getting worse. I study psychology for fun, I plan on going into it as a profession, eventually. I have done research on most of this, but I can’t find much on any of it (except emotional abuse), especially executive function disorder. Please help? (I am always adding to things when I think of more.)

@bradshore @katimorton @we-care-org

#executive function disorder #emotional abuse #help #psychology #dissociation #incomplete

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cinnaminsvga · 5 years

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50 Questions Tag 🍃

tagged by the lovely @dreamystuffers!! (ily rach you’re a star)

this shit is long so everything is under the cut!!

1.What takes up too much of your time?

usually studying for my classes and going to work. during the summer, i also take some classes and work more shifts, but those are usually the only months when i can actually focus on my hobbies (i.e. reading and writing!!)

2. What makes your day better?

talking to my friends, writing weird shit, watching youtube videos, or having a good meal

3. Whats the best thing to happen to you today?

wow, this is genuinely such a hard question... i guess i wrote a bit of fox rain and one of the jokes i wrote made me chuckle a bit

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

maybe hpu?? but minus all the shit jk rowling added after the series ended

5. are you good at giving advice?

depends on what type of advice, i suppose??

6. Do you have a mental illness?

haha

7. have you ever experience sleep paralysis?

yep!! they stopped happening by the time i turned 16 though

8. What musician inspired you the most?

bangtan all the way!!

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

not the eros type of love... definitely every other version of love, though

10. What your dream date?

just hanging out at home (because i’m lazy and if anyone can stand hanging out with me for more than 3 hours at a time while i’m in my natural habitat, then i’ll know you’re the one hasjdhjashd)

11. What do others notice about you?

my fucking annoying ass laugh hsajdhjash

12.Whats an annoying habit you have?

being too critical about myself

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

nope i’d rather die thanks!!

14. How many exes do you have?

technically two i guess

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

idk i use spotify and just play those random ass playlists that are already premade lol

16. What instruments can you play?

piano, but i’m pretty sure i’ve forgotten how to sightread at this point

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

bangtan and memes

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

anywhere in scandinavia!!

19. Whats your Zodiac?

leo sun / sag moon / libra rising

20. Do you relate to it?

i dont know enough about astrology to definitively say... but i sort of relate to being a leo?? definitely not the confidence thing, but in other aspects??

21. What is happiness to you?

i hope i can find out soon

22. are you going through anything right now?

haha

23. Whats the worst decision you ever made?

moving away from home and studying in a foreign country

24. Whats your favourite store?

uniqlo maybe?? i don’t really shop that often??

25. Whats your opinion on abortion?

i’m probably pro-choice but i really don’t like thinking about it because it makes me sad hsajdhajshd

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

nope

27. Do you have a favourite album?

maybe love yourself tear?

28. What do you want for your birthday?

money to pay rent having a nice dinner with friends!!

29. What are most people’s first impressions of you?

probably shy?? sometimes “smart” if we’re in an academic situation where i’m forced to use my brain lol

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

20-23?? i’m at this weird phase where my face looks really nondescript when it comes to age hjasdhjashd like?? am i old?? am i young?? who the fuck knows!!

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

beside my pillow

32. What word to you say the most?

oh man this changes weekly... recently, it’s been “worm” and “yeth” but i can bet my ass that this will change by may

33. Whats the oldest age you would date?

maybe like... 25-26 rn?? i’ll probably be more okay with larger age gaps when i become more mature

34. Whats the youngest age you would date?

18?? i’d probs prefer people my age though, but 18 isn’t that far off

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

probably something research based

36. Whats your favourite music genre?

pop, alternative, classical... sometimes rock?

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

japan!! please... i love it there and i’d love to go back

38. What is your current favourite song?

lovedrunk by epik high

39. How long have you had this blog for?

two years and counting!!

40. What are you excited for?

releasing fox rain!! visiting my family sometime next month!!

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

talker??

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

i packed my shit because i’m moving soon

43. What do you want for Christmas?

to be happy for once lol

44. What Class do you get the best grades in?

chemistry?? but the thing is, i take like 6 classes of chemistry and some of the courses are really tough and i don’t get as good grades in them... but in others, i really excel!! but consistently, i’d say my english lit grades are pretty decent

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

3... maybe 4 when i’ll eat later lol

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

working and hopefully not struggling to survive

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

last summer

48. What age do you want to get married?

haha that’s a good one

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

a writer. always.

50. what do you crave right now?

filipino style spaghetti or sinigang

tagging: @jincherie @yminie @gimmesumsuga @junqkook @guksheart @gukyi and anyone else who wants to do this!!

#tag game #lol anyway...

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justalosersdiaryofmisery-blog · 5 years

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A Necessarily Sober Night’s Ramblings

I’m sitting here in my bed, writing on a shitty, hundred dollar netbook that rests on a book thicker than my fist to prevent overheating. The floor of my room is covered in a disgusting salad of dirty laundry, trash, and books, all sprinkled with a frustrating amount of cat litter from the box a few feet to my right. A space heater with more personal space than anything else in the place keeps me warm in the mornings and nights, and the fan that’s blowing my hair at the moment keeps me cool during the afternoon and whenever else I’ve been drinking.

I’ve got Altered Carbon playing beside my word processor; just started watching it. It’s impossible for me to focus on any one thing, so its there just to keep the excess ‘brain energy’ or what have you busy while I try and write this all out. All this nonsense. The lamp resting on my nightstand, which is currently sitting in the midst of the chaotic disaster that is my floor rather than being pressed up against a wall, is annoying but helps keep the anxiety down a bit.

The anxiety is still drumming my heart and shaking my hands, but it would be worse in the dark. I enjoy knowing what’s surrounding me. If I turn off the light, I can only assume what rests in the darkness. I don’t think there’s any monsters hiding beneath my bed amidst the beer cans and paper plates, I’m not a child. But there’s knowing, and then there’s knowing. When the light is gone, the whole world becomes Schrodinger's fun house.

Plus, if I turn out the lights, the odds I step on a sharp piece of aluminum on my way to the bathroom magnify ten fold. Foot lacerations are the fucking worst. Slicing your palm isn’t that bad because you don’t always have to have your dick in your hand. Plus, for the most part, your always aware of the palms of your hands. You forget the bottoms of your feet, and the trail of blood you leave behind is a bitch and a half to clean up.

Not that I’d clean it from my own carpeted floor, but there’s certain expectations for the world outside the stained and battered walls of my bedroom. Smiles required, pleasantries demanded; it’s a whole other ball game out there. That’s not some dramatic piece of speculation either. When I was a child my parents threatened to beat the frowns from my face and decried my silent coming and goings as disrespectful disobedience. Now that I am a man in age and burden if not status however, I am free to move more freely. The habits have already taken root though.

Despite my already volcanic anxieties simmering and sizzling beneath my flesh, I’m having another energy drink, my third of the day. I went to the store earlier for something fizzy and calorie free to drink, and despite knowing I must be wary of caffeine, I was swayed by a little sticker promising ‘3 for $5!’. It’s a rare moment that I’m without thirst, but unless I have sweat through my clothes in exhaustion (an even rarer moment) or am exceptionally hung over, drinking water gives me heartburn.

It’s a touch allegorical, really. Water, that most basic material of life, burns the ever living shit out of my throat.

People don’t take caffeine seriously enough. It’s just like any other drug, if a bit milder. At first it puts a bounce in my step, then in a few minutes my mind will be racing with dark thoughts and fears, and if I go without it for too long my head feels like someone is taking an ice pick to the top of my skull. Sometimes the initial jauntiness is worth it though. That ‘sometimes’ keeps me coming back.

There it is. Reading this back, you won’t remember the pauses between sentences, the distraction filled minutes as Altered Carbon takes priority over writing between paragraphs. I say that so it won’t feel quite so jarring when I say that anxiety is carving a butcher’s knife through my gut and up my sternum after just mentioning the jauntiness caffeine can bring.

Anxiety and just a hint of anger are filling me. Thinking on it now, and exploring this idea for the first time (though I’ve brushed against it like a virgin schoolboy ‘accidentally’ bumping into a pretty girl before), I’m realizing there’s always anger somewhere in this stack of flesh. Anger I was bred into, that was taught to me, beat into me. It’s always there. Just, I keep it buried away and hidden. Once, I did that so that I wouldn’t get in trouble, so that I would be safe. Now I do it so that the people around me will be happier.

The only people I’ve ever intentionally physically hurt are my male family members. My younger brother, in adolescent rage reminiscent of my father’s, has been strangled, punched, thrown, and kicked. It was never unprovoked, but always unearned given the severity. I never bruised or truly damaged him, but still. Trauma is trauma. The words I spewed at him were instinctively and specifically chosen to hurt him, to damage him. It’s left me with a quandary similar to that of the chicken and the egg. Did his little man complex come from my infrequent but scarring abuse, or were the assaults unleashed by his constant needling and provocations?

Then there’s my father. Him I tried to kill once. He was drunk, and violent. He was roaring and screeching with anger at my mother, worse than normal. I went to figure out what the fuck was going on, he put his hands on me, and I snapped. I threw him to the ground, and amidst his punches and slaps and scratches I began to choke him. Tears and spit pouring from my face I bared my fangs and produced more animalistic sounds than actual speech.

My mother was futilely trying to pull me off, begging me to stop. I didn’t care. I was beyond reason at that point, my id was in full control. Like a flare in a moonless night however, a thought brought me to a stop. I had my second day of work at a new job the next day, and couldn’t afford to spend at least the night and next day in jail for murder. That lone, paragonal thought amidst a sea of frothing rage was all that saved my father’s life.

Other than those two examples however, I’ve never allowed myself to be a violent person. Or rather, I’ve never had the courage for it. I get the fight or flight shakes just from passing a slow moving vehicle, let alone a face to face confrontation. I wonder if that’s who I am, or who I was made to be.

My first girlfriend, who could technically be called my ex-fiancee if you don’t dismiss a six month, hormone-fueled, teenage puppy love engagement, was victim to some verbal abuse throughout the two or so years we spent together. She was a piece of work herself though, and although I cringe to think back on my words and feelings back then, I don’t think less of the man I am today for them. I see it as character growth. She cheated on me, lied to me, and was certifiably crazy herself. She and I have both come a long way since then though, and I’ve learned to be a better man based on the awful example I set for myself.

I say we’ve both come a long way, but in reality, she’s got a college degree and is dating a successful musician while working for a governor. I’ve got a GED, am entirely alone, and as of the end of March jobless. There was a brief spike in my life a little over a year ago. I only weighed one-hundred and sixty pounds, I was on the second rung of the company I worked for’s ladder, I had a girlfriend, I was happy. That’s all long gone now though.

See, even though I hunt for zero calorie sodas and energy drinks, I still eat too much food. I drink too much alcohol. I lay around in bed like a fucking pile of ooze. I was going to call myself a slug, but even those invertebrates get more exercise than I do. I probably weigh Two-ten by now. Two-fifteen maybe. I’m sure if I were sitting on a scale right now it’d read in the two-twenties, between my clothes, belly full of spaghetti sauce-drenched pizza, and general fat ass.

As of today I’m twenty-two years old, five-eight in the morning and in shoes, with short brunette hair and just the one tattoo, a coyote on my left arm. My upper right arm and my left ‘tit’ are covered in scars. I have a handful spread over the rest of my skin; faded ones all across my legs, one across my stomach, one on my right ‘tit’, three partially faded bands on my right forearm. All self-inflicted, obviously. I have a small patch of fur all across my chin that struggles to reach the center of my lower lip, stubble spreading back from it towards my throat, and a curled moustache above my mouth.

I fucking hate when television shows have non-English parts. It prevents me from being able to just spend the extra ‘brain energy’ on them, and instead I have to divert more of my direct attention to follow along.

Sometimes I want to carve out my own eye. Even though my left eye is (diagnosedly so) the weaker of the two, whenever I envision it, it’s always the right one I slice out like an avocado pit. The cut would start close to the center of my forehead and run all the way down to my jaw, stopping just a hair over the line and onto my throat.

I don’t think that comes from any weird sort of mutilationist fetish, or one of those weird (Ha, who am I to judge?) mental illnesses where a part of your body feels alien. I think its just a desire for attention? If that’s the right way to phrase it. I want to be special, look special. All those bad-ass pirates and fantasy characters have facial scars, typically over their eyes, and I want to be like them. I want to be special.

I want to be special. I want to be important. I want to feel like I actually matter. No amount of self reaffirmation has ever been enough for me. I’ve always needed ‘affirmation’ from others, and I’ve rarely ever received it. And it can’t be just anyone who gives it to me, it has to be someone special, someone whom I respect. The words of those I subconsciously deem as ‘below’ me mean absolutely nothing, no matter how reverential or supporting.

As for who I respect, which isn’t the right word at all, I’m not really sure. Beautiful women. Impressive men. Members of authority. People with experience in fields that I respect (this time it is the right word). I’ve had coworkers who practically begged me to hang out, less than attractive women who nearly molested me in their flirtations. All it ever did was annoy and nearly disgust me.

It’s a strange dichotomy, my ego and self-loathing. On one hand, I’m disgusted by myself. I look in the mirror and see a hideous, fat, disgusting, waste of human existence who could die tomorrow without the world so much as blinking. On the other hand, I recognize my intellect, sense of humor, virtues, and what few skills I have as being exceptional.

I hate myself, but somehow still place myself above others.

It’s funny how little self control I have compared to what little drive I have. I crave love, yet haven’t been able to muster the willpower to eat healthy and exercise. I crave fortune, yet haven’t been able to finish writing (Really writing, with editing and everything) a book. I crave attention, yet stay hidden away in my room and when out in public avoid standing out at all. When I crave a McChicken, I’ll drive to the McDonalds across town at 3 AM for it.

I guess I’m just short sighted. Back when I still played chess, I could never think more than a single move ahead. When a problem has a single-step solution, I can find it near instantly, no matter how obscure or obfuscated it is. Throw in just one more step, however, and suddenly I’m lost as an orphan looking for his mother in a department store.

That applies to long term goals too, even when the answer is spelled out for me step by fucking step. Step one, cut the calories down to less than two-thousand. Step two, take the dog(s) for a walk everyday. Step three, repeat steps one and two for the next six months. Just like that, I go from fat lard-face to looking like a young Leonardo DiCaprio.

But I just don’t do it. The one time I succeeded with a diet, it was based on routine. Every morning on my way to work, I’d get two McDonalds burritos with mild sauce and a large diet coke, no ice. Every night after work, same thing. Right now, jobless and hopeless, there is no routine in my life. That’s just an excuse though, I know that. Doesn’t mean I fucking do anything about it.

It also helped that back then I spent every night with a woman I was in love with. Kira. Black haired, thin as a skeleton, cheek bones like daggers. Her nails were more like claws, and she’s never without her eyeliner that stretch out like wings from her beautiful brown eyes.

When we met, she hated me, so of course I sought her approval. She hated me just because I sat in her spot one time. She, never to my face, called me an inbred hobbit. After several random encounters at work (which is where I met her), we also bumped into each other at the vape store. A casual, friendly conversation lead to her messaging me at work the next day, and a friendship quickly formed.

After that, it didn’t take long for love to form. One sided love. I asked her out, she rejected me. My love diminished but quickly re-blossomed. I confessed full-blown honest to god love to her. Again, she rejected me, with a full (and requested) letter explaining why. That letter tore me to pieces. Not because it destroyed my hopes for ever having her, but because every reason she listed was (to my eyes) nonsense.

She said I wasn’t artistic, I consider myself to be a great story crafter and a half-decent writer. She said she thought I’d be controlling and possessive, when I am nothing of the sort. She said I wasn’t ‘edgy’ enough, in so many words, even as I carved my flesh into ribbons. Even to this day, when she describes her perfect partner’s personality, she describes me to a T, or at least to a lower-case t.

I treat our bond as though we are siblings, and I believe that’s how she sees me, though I feel a much stronger love than that for her whilst single, and she feels nothing for me. She treats me like garbage. One time I begged her for company, knowing that if left alone I’d make an attempt on my life, and she said no. No one else came either, but I thought she of all people would understand and care. But she didn’t. And despite the handle of vodka, bottle of nyquil, assortment of pills, and sheer amount of blood loss I endured that night, I lived to suffer the pain of her betrayal.

With her it’s always apologies and broken promises. She’s sorry she abandoned me for the millionth time to be with her new abusive boyfriend, she promises it won’t happen again. She’s sorry she disappeared without a word of warning, and promises she’ll warn me in the future. She’s sorry that she broke her promises, she promises it won’t happen again.

And yet I love her. I’ve given her thousands of dollars. I’ve bought her over a hundred meals. I take care of her when everyone else abandoned her. I helped her get her shit together when agoraphobia had grabbed hold of her. I’ve given her everything I could possibly give, sacrificed everything she’s ever asked for or needed that I had.

But its never enough for her. It never will be. She will never care about me and my needs. I don’t need her romantic love, as much as I would enjoy it. But never once has she sacrificed for me. Never once has she gone out of her way to make me happy. She gave me a stack of ‘coupons’, to be redeemed for things such as ‘a guaranteed hang out session’ or ‘You can pick the music all day’. The one time I tried to redeem one, the first one I mentioned, she blew me off.

But of course, she moved to a whole other state for her drug addicted, physically and verbally abusive boyfriend. Then when she came back I took her back following a promise that she was completely done with him. I’m sure she will, or already has, broken that promise.

Despite all that, she is the most important person in my life. The thought of her killing herself makes me genuinely want to die too. Without her, there’d be absolutely no one in my life that I truly love. She is a fire amidst a barren tundra without which I’d freeze to death, even if she flickers in and out of existence that I’ve wished to die in her absence.

My only other friend is Whitney. The strangest person I’ve ever known, and one of the most genuinely wholesome and good people you could ever have the pleasure of meeting. She’s sweet, kind, caring, generous, intelligent, and fun. She’s also asexual, so there’s no hope for romance there either. She lives a busy life, between college and work, so it’s rare I ever get to see her.

Everyone else in my life is temporary, fleeting. They either abandon me purposely or drift away like clouds.

My last girlfriend, the only other serious one I’ve had besides my ‘ex-fiancee’, abandoned me out of the blue. One moment, she was saying that she loved me and that I was her perfect man. The next, she provided a list of issues she had with me and said that they were irreconcilable. She left me with trust issues that have plagued every attempt at romance I’ve had since. I lost my virginity to that girl.

And when we broke up, you know what happened? Her shit head best friend went and spread all of my personal information to our mutual friends, in a horrific way that painted me to be a violent and hurtful man who was ruining her life. And they believed him. Even though he was known to be an over-dramatic, hyper-aggressive piece of shit, they believed him. In spite of all the good things I’d done for them and absolutely no personal experience with me to back his words up, they took it as gospel. I had non-romantic commitment issues before then, but damned if they weren’t magnified ten fold after that.

Every other romantic trist I had after her has had its issues. One time, whilst I was seeing a shrink and given pills that amplified my anxieties to levels beyond my control, I went full blown crazy with a girl. Demanded to know where she was, why she was ignoring me, sent over thirty texts in as many minutes. I quit that medicine the moment I ‘came down’.

Another I ‘broke up’ with after we agreed that she couldn’t handle just hanging out in my car, and I can’t handle going to clubs. Another couple ghosted me. Another was even flakier than Kira, and far more blatant about it. Another just wasn’t that into me, even if he (an FtM transgender person) wouldn’t admit it.

Right now, the biggest source of my anxiety is the fact that Kira has yet again disappeared. I’m used to that, but this time she explicitly said she would text me ‘soon’ when we hung out three days ago. The girl is a fucking suicidal drug addict, and doesn’t care about the pain it causes me when she disappears like this. The fears and anxieties that fill me hurt so bad you wouldn’t believe it. I’ve told her this countless times. She just, doesn’t, care.

I want to punch something, tear my room apart. Its a disgusting mess now, but the mess is settled at least. A path to the door amidst the refuse, big piles pushed against the walls. It could be much, much worse. I feel like I’m about to explode, all these feelings bursting out of my fucking rib cage. But she doesn’t care about that. All she cares about is herself.

There’s only two people in the entire world I’ve truly cared for, like really, wholly, undeniably loved and felt empathy for. My ‘ex-fiancee’, and Kira. But even for those I didn’t feel that way for, Whitney or my ex-girlfriend, I treat them right. Better than right. I buy them gifts, I look after them, I tell them I love them, I do my best to be the best friend or boyfriend I can be.

I’m a heartless monster, but at least I have the manners to act better than that.

You know something, I legitimately can’t remember the last time I cried. Probably when Kira and I first started becoming friends, she demanded I open up and tell her everything if I wanted her to do the same. So I did, and I broke down. Since then, not a drop. I just don’t have it in me. I’m tired. I’m tired of being alive, but outside of drunken and seemingly random spikes of suicidal ideations, I’m too scared of death to try and kill myself tonight.

The thought of death, of everything just disappearing, terrifies me. It has since I was a little kid, we’re talking four or five years old. I don’t want to die, I never want to die. I want to live forever, or at least to know that there is reincarnation or an afterlife. I fear the ocean too, specifically being in the middle of the water with no land in sight and seeing a silhouette approaching me. But that’s not what my fear of death is. That’s a shock, a jump in my seat when I watch a video on youtube.

My fear of death is primal, unadulterated terror. It keeps me up at night, it forces me to keep a light on when I want to sleep, it gave me a love for twilight hours as they brought an end to the darkness when I was a child. It brought me peace.

Kira finally texted me back, simply saying ‘’I love you’. It could be her last words, it could be an apology for going back to her shit head ex, it’s definitely a lie to either herself or to me. It brought some measure of peace, though left a trail of underlying fears in its wake.

I just wish I could be happy, but for that I need at least one of the three B’s. Booze, blood, or betrothal. The last B is hyperbolic, I don’t need that much of a commitment, just some sort of romantic connection with someone. Gotta keep the pattern going though. When I’m drunk, my troubles fade away. When I’m cutting, the pain distracts me. When I have a girlfriend, I feel accepted.

Right now I have none of those things. I might cut my arm here in a bit, but I doubt I’ll be getting a girlfriend sometime tonight; and its too risky to be drinking on a night like this. So, I’ve just got to wallow in my own misery.

I meant to write chapter two of a new book I’m working on tonight. It’s a dark, nautical comedy set in a fantasy-ish world about a dull yet narcissistic pirate captain and his misadventure to regain his fortune. I started writing it to keep myself busy while I wait to distance myself from the first book I wrote, a more serious piece. That one’s about a man and his new apprentice facing a rebellion of monsters who are supposed to coexist with humans, but are sick of their treatment as second class citizens.

I need to distance myself from it because every time I look at it I want to delete the whole thing. It all feels too fresh, too personal. I can remember every keystroke that I put down, and since I was the one who typed it all, it must be trash. That’s how my mind sees it. I need to forget.

I’ve just started episode five of Altered Carbon, haven’t paused it once, haven’t stopped writing except when they speak in another language or I don’t know what to wrtie next or when Kira texted me. I’m starving. By starving I mean I’m hungry, just enough that my stomach hurts. I’ll probably go grab more food like the fat ass, no-self-control shitstain that I am.

I hate when people tell me I’m not fat, or when people say it shouldn’t matter. I am fat, and it matters to me. I don’t find fat people attractive. Never have, never will. I remember once, back when I was dieting and nearly at one-sixty, a (fat) girl said to me “Why are you still dieting? You look great.” I responded by lifting my shirt up (I didn’t have the scar on my stomach at the time) and jiggling it, which immediately elicited an ‘Ew!’ from her. I said, “That’s why.”

It’s not a crime to be fat, nor do I treat fat people any worse than their skinny counterparts. I just think its extremely unattractive, just like me. I don’t want to be fat. I just don’t have the willpower to put a stop to it. And I hate myself for it. Maybe if/when I get a new job I’ll be able to get back into my routine. It’d be a lot easier if I lived on my own, and could choose the pantry and fridge’s contents myself.

But for now I’m stuck living in my parents’ house. I thought once I bought a new car, I’d be able to save up and move out. Then I met Kira, and spent thousands on her. Then I allowed myself to be talked into going to therapy, a waste of time that I put a stop to after being told that I’d never be happy and to keep on cutting, that put me in debt to pay for. Then my car broke down, and I’ve had to open a new credit card for over nine-hundred dollars and spent another four-hundred up front, and her check engine light is already back on.

Oh, and I don’t have a job anymore after getting fired for spending too much time helping coworkers, so its not like I can get a place with the two-hundred and twelve dollars I get a week with unemployment. I’ve dreamed about living on my own since before I was even a teenager. I’ve always hated my parents. Every time I think everything’s about to turn around fiscally, life comes around and shits down my fucking throat and cuts a hole through my trachea so it can fuck my feces-stained esophagus. Every, single, fucking, time.

God that therapy was fucking worthless. I did what the guy said in regards to cutting. I tried rubber band snapping, icing, writing out my feelings. None of it had the same sense of distraction and gravitas. So, he told me if it helps and I’m being safe, keep doing it. So I have. I wanted to stop though, not for my own sake, but because the people who say they care about me (in other words, Whit) don’t like it and I can understand why. Again though, no will power.

When it came to my moods, I told him about as much as I’ve told anyone in my life about myself. At first it felt good, he looked at me like some sort of specimen. By our last session though, it felt more like I was a chore to him, a frustrating waste of time. Although I didn’t bother to remember the words verbatim, he more or less told me that sometimes there just isn’t anything you can do to stop being miserable, and you’re just stuck that way. So, since that was the case, I stopped going.

There was another professional I saw there, a woman who was there to actually prescribe medicines. After the first one ruined a budding and potentially great relationship, I was hesitant to try another. Given the fact that it was also expensive as fuck and I was constantly broke, with or without hesitation I couldn’t try another kind. She refused to prescribe me medicine for my ADD either, even though she did diagnose it. Said we needed to get the depression under control first. Maybe I’d be less fucking miserable if I could concentrate on one thing at a time instead of constantly having my attention diverted between two to three things every waking moment of my life.

It’s funny, when I finished my first book, I thought I’d be happy. Filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment that would spur me forward in life. So I rushed it. The last couple chapters were far below my typical word count. Whitney pointed out that fact, and the fact that a lot of the earlier chapters were subpar comparatively, so I went back and finished it ‘for real’. I rewrote most of the earlier chapters, filled in the later chapters, got a real, proper first draft done. And still nothing.

Now I’m telling myself that once I can edit it properly instead of just grimacing through the prologue I’ll feel it, but I don’t believe it. Maybe if an agent wants it, I’ll feel it, but I don’t believe that. If it were miraculously published, then, then I might feel a hint of genuine joy, but I don’t believe that. I keep pushing the goal posts of finding happiness further and further back to excuse my failure to do so.

Fuck, I don’t even know why I wrote all this. I don’t feel any better. I feel like an overdramatic, self-important, delusional cunt. Same old same old I suppose.

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theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly · 6 years

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Escapade-Chapter Three

A/N: Hiya nerds, it’s ya boi Cole, this time with Chapter THREEEEE (3)! This chapter is the first in the story to feature some Logicality, so I hope y’all are hype because I SURE AM.

You can read...

The fic in its entirety on my AO3 (the link will take you to the beginning of the story)

Chapter One on my Tumblr (this will take you to Chapter One only)

Chapter Two on my Tumblr (this will take you to Chapter Two only)

Thank you so much you nerds goddamnit you’re great

Please let me know through a comment, reblog, or message if you want to be added to the taglist! Chapter Four is scheduled to be posted on Monday. Reblogs spread the angst

Tagging people at the end. If I forgot your name, PLEASE TELL ME

As Roman had been galloping across his kingdom thinking of nothing in particular, the rest of the Sides were having a very quiet meal in the mind palace commons. Their thoughts were all focused on the Prince in one way or another. Conspicuous only by his absence at the head of the table, the sides kept casting glances to his throne-like chair whenever they made small attempts at conversation.

Patton peered at the two other sides, one of whom was naturally sullen and the other of whom was being unusually silent. He watched with mounting concern as Virgil merely swirled his fork in his spaghetti, his cheek resting on his hand and his mouth turned down in a scowl, and as Logan merely nibbled on his pasta, his expression suggesting his mind was quite obviously somewhere else. Every once in awhile, his brows furrowed in what Virgil called his ‘recalculating’ face, an expression that was characteristic of the side’s train of thought being derailed.

Patton decided to lighten up the moment. “Well, I’m sure the spaghetti isn’t that bad, kiddos!” he lightly chided, causing Virgil to jump and Logan to recalculate.

Virgil sighed, and pushed his plate away. “Sorry...I’m not really hungry.”

“I find that I’m also having difficulty focusing on eating when I’m finding my thoughts straying towards the safety and wellbeing of Roman,” Logan said monotonously, taking a small bite anyway just to please the moral side.

Virgil seemed to loosen. “You’re worried about Roman?” he asked. While his question sounded slightly scorning, Patton and Logan both knew it concealed Virgil’s relief at not being the only one worrying.

“We both are, kiddo.” Patton replied, watching Virgil closely.

The anxious side swallowed thickly, not making any eye contact. However, he spoke up, his tone tentative. “...I-I...I thought I was being stupid, worrying about him...even though he’s only just gone.”

Logan and Patton exchanged startled glances. It was rare for Virgil to open up about what he was really feeling; he usually cracked an inappropriate joke or behaved in some other crude manner whenever he was experiencing an unpleasant emotion.

“It is not stupid to worry about his wellbeing, Virgil,” Logan said, “He is a part of this family. And after all, I guess it can be argued that I, too, am worried, and I generally do not participate in stupid activities. You can reassured by that fact.”

“Thanks...I guess,” Virgil grumbled, frowning but raising his eyebrows at Patton, who looked proud at Logan’s attempt to be reassuring.

Logan nodded. “It is also perfectly natural for you especially to be... disturbed by Roman’s absence. As your mate, it would be rather surprising and suggestive of ill emotion if you were not worrying about him, or missing him.” he added.

Patton winced; Virgil was still very touchy about discussing his newfound relationship with Roman with the other two. He quickly intervened before Virgil could flip up his hood and sink out of the room.

“What he means, kiddo, is that it’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to worry too, because...well…”

He had wanted to finish his sentence by saying he could be in trouble, but he could not bring himself to say it.

“Because he could be in danger.” Virgil finished for him, his voice flat.

“Well, yeah.” Patton said sheepishly, “I guess I didn’t have the heart to say that, though. Eh? Eh? ” he said, elbowing Logan until the logical side gave a mechanical laugh that had an undertone suggestive of a desire to enter the next life.

Virgil flipped up his hood, and hunched his shoulders.

“Roman will be fine, Verge,” Patton said quietly, reaching across the table to gently pat Virgil’s bowed head. Logan pulled a skeptical expression, and Patton ferociously leveled a glare at him.

“I agree, Virgil,” Logan said quickly to appease Patton, his voice as monotone as ever if only a tiny bit strained, “Roman knows how to handle himself, and he knows the terrain.”

Virgil was not really listening. Tears were forming in his eyes, and his heart was racing with the uncomfortable speed of an impending panic attack. His lungs felt tight, and his fingers and nose began to tingle with the onset of hyperventilation.

But suddenly, Virgil could feel a gentle pull deep in his mind. He listened hard, and heard a strong, steady heartbeat. A warm, tender aura of protectiveness and reassurance seemed to emanate from his brain to the rest of his body. He could feel the ghosts of Roman’s arms around his waist, and he could hear him taking deep calming breaths. Roman was trying to tell him that he was, and was going to be, alright. The worry in Virgil’s chest was gradually replaced with a knot of aching yet pleasant sorrow.

Roman couldn't have chose a better time to be reassuring, for Virgil found himself instantly calming down. He sighed deeply, feeling returning to his fingers and his nose. He suddenly felt deeply exhausted.

“Yeah,” he said, looking up at the other two with a sad expression, “he will be okay.”

With this, he rose, and cleared away his dishes. Without another word, he went down the hallway and into his room. Logan and Patton listened as his door clicked gently shut.

There was a heavy silence at the table as Logan and Patton continued to gaze at the spot where Virgil had disappeared. Patton released a heavy sigh, and his comforting smile was replaced with a dejected frown.

“I think it would be unwise to remain so... optimistic about Roman’s overall chances of returning from his venture unscathed, Patton.” Logan murmured quietly, turning to look at Patton with heavy eyes.

Patton rose, and quietly began to gather up his dishes. “I know, Lo. But what am I going to say to him?” he said, gesturing limply to where the anxious side had disappeared, “He’s so fragile already.”

Patton placed his dishes in the sink and began wiping the counters, unable to look at Logan for fear of breaking down with all of his worry. He heard Logan rising, a rush of water from the tap suggesting he was rinsing off his dishes.

“I suppose the wisest course of action would be to conceal our true thoughts on the matter from him, and try to convince him that our false optimistic words and actions are genuine,” Logan said quietly, causing Patton to turn around and see him wringing his hands through a dish towel, his mouth a thin line.

Patton grinned. “You’re learning,” he said, leaning up to quickly peck the logical side on the cheek, “And I’m proud of you for the way you acted towards him earlier.”

The corner of Logan’s mouth twitched. “It was a little difficult, concealing my take on the manner, but I have taken to studying psychology lately so that I may better be able to interact with him should he be feeling mentally or emotionally ill.”

Patton broke out into a huge grin. “This is why you’re my hero.”

Logan smiled.

Meanwhile, back in his room, Virgil was listening intently to Roman’s heartbeat. He wondered whether Roman had found the note he had snuck into the care package, and whether or not he was cold, or scared, or lonely. Despite Logan and Patton’s kind words, he found himself being gripped once again by an anxiety attack. His heart beat uncomfortably fast, and skipped beats. He let out a whimper, and began to dread the long night ahead of him.

But before he could even begin to take calming breaths, a sudden wave of intense warmth and gratitude swept over him. The goosebumps on his arms vanished. Blinking, he sat up, rubbing his arms to alleviate the sudden, unknown feeling. Was he experiencing a mood swing? No; he could feel Roman’s heartbeat without even focusing, and suddenly he knew that it was Roman that was making him feel this way.

Virgil smiled, and knew Roman had found his gift.

And with the warm sound of Roman’s heartbeat in his mind, he was able to lay down and calmly try to sleep.

Try was the key word. He found it hard to sleep when he felt the cold, empty space beside him.

Taglist:

@celiawhatsherlastname @monikastec @jordandobbertin @greymane902 @lostgirlgwen @kittenvirgil @iamahumanwaitnothatsalie @logan-logic @jet-black-hearted-girl @gay-ace-trash @shadowjag @thestoryoferissur @lexboydfandompanda

@randomficsandthoughts you didn’t ask to be added to the taglist but you seemed pretty enthusiastic about chapter two so I’ll tag you just in case you want to keep reading???

#escapade #escapade chapter three #prinxiety #logicality #sanders sides #roman sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders

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naminearuno · 6 years

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Diary Entry #2

January 27, 2018

It’s been 11 days since my last entry and so much has happened. I’m not gonna talk about it in any specific order.

First of all, Lexi’s mom found out about her stick-n-poke tattoos (After they had already faded, too) which led to further investigation and she told her mom that she’s been using Maya’s phone to talk to me. That was obviously a big deal because that’s the way it is with the Lesch’s. So now Lexi is supposed to have to move out on May 3rd, but I doubt they will hold her to that because they want her where they can most easily control her. She went a night without being allowed to sleep in her bed. She was supposed to quit her job, but she still has it for now. She’s still on guard. We’re still talking since it wasn’t really Maya’s phone to begin with and I’m not a fan of Maya anymore… Lexi is doing alright for the most part. Her grade in AP stats is really high and I’m impressed because I’ve heard a lot of crap about that class.

I didn’t go into my sociology class thinking that I would personally get anything out of it. But then we talked about depression. We talked about how as societies rely more on consumer capitalism and individualism increases, so does depression. When people have as much freedom as we do, they can also have excessive hope. That can make people feel even worse when they fail or still pretty awful even if they’re doing fine because they know better is possible. And as we become less and less reliant on others to make decisions for us we can feel more alone and more to blame if our lives don’t work out the way we intend. Basically, he explained that community is extremely important toward mental health. This got me thinking. First of all, it reaffirmed my belief that I should push my children to get involved from a young age. But it also got me thinking… I do believe community is important for mental health. I think that’s why my life got so much better when I joined guard. I don’t want someone telling me how my life is gonna go and who I’m gonna be, because I grew up in an American society after all :P, but it led me to a conclusion… about something I’ve thought about before. Maybe I would be happier if I went to church or another religious institution. I feel like I’m too open to follow a religion the way religious people typically do. I’m too skeptic of accepting a truth with no proof behind it and too open to the possibilities. I do think I might be able to get behind the values a religion preaches without believing in their God and their stories. I think I might enjoy being apart of a community like that… assuming I can find one that is positive. I look at people like Dani and Hannah Beer and I see how happy church makes them. Maybe I could benefit from it, too. Maybe it would help me feel like I belong. Probably not. I’ll feel like an outsider because I don’t believe. But still. It would also be interesting to learn about a religion first hand like that. I don’t know… This will most likely be next year adventure if it happens at all. Next year… When Amber and I are hopefully living in an apartment and transitioning to veganism… And hopefully I see my girlfriend regularly and finally lose my virginity (Lol do I /really/ belong in a church? Probably not…)

I’m not sure what I believe. I believe in something… I identify as Agnostic. I’m sure there is something more than us, whether it is a higher power the way people typically envision a higher power or something completely different we haven’t thought of… Or maybe that we can’t think of because we can’t understand it. I don’t know. I don’t know what happens when we die and I’m scared of the possibilities. I’m scared of everything just stopping and I’m scared of being eternally miserable and I’m scared of being reincarnated as a fly or bee or wasp or an even more messed up human. Humans fear what we don’t know. I don’t know and I am afraid.

Moving on to a lighter topic… I finished Dreamfall Chapters and started playing Remember Me. It’s a really interesting game, but also frustrating.

I also ordered a charger that should be here on Monday and my books better be here Monday because they were supposed to be here last Wednesday.

I’m still trying for straight As though I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need to review my chem notes EVERY day. Whether I get straight As or not, I’m not overwhelmed by the workload this semester… yet. It all seems doable. I haven’t turned anything in late yet. There aren’t a lot of grades in the gradebook yet, but I only have 100s so far… It will not stay that way lol.

Amber and I have been sticking to our goal of going to the gym at least twice a week. We started the bluecoats training regime yesterday and I’m super excited. We’ve also decided that we’re gonna try to go Mon, Wed, Fri, and Saturday. Friday and Saturday are really good gym days because not a lot of people are there. We have yet to go on a Monday… heheh.

There’s been drama with Drew and his family. His mom has been bashing Jordan on his profile… on public posts. He’s still trying to contact Jordan and even messaged Zoe and accused Jordan of being a pathological liar. Speaking of which… his hickass mom sounds a lot like one of those what with her “degree in law” and her daughters husband that there have been no previous pictures or mention of… Anyway, it’s all been very annoying but also kind of hilarious. I think his mom needs to learn what the definition of “intelligence” is.

I don’t have time for these people to be honest. (Drew and his family). I’m too busy trying to better myself. I’m going to talk about some of my goals, values, and general things I’ve learned:

I now know what it means to invalidate someone’s feelings and why even if those feelings are irrational, that’s not okay. Feelings are real. Calling them “just chemicals in the brain” doesn’t devalue them. Chemicals in your brain are a very real and powerful thing. If you understand anything about science and the human body, you know that chemicals in your brain are responsible for a lot of physical and mental traits. For example, chemicals in your body determine how tall you are. Growth hormone, specifically. It is secreted by the pituitary gland in the brain. Growth hormone deficiency causes dwarfism. That is a very real thing that you can see. It being caused by a chemical in the brain does not make it any less real. Feelings and mental illnesses are also caused by chemicals secreted by the brain. You just can’t always see the effects. Anyway, this is turning into a very different point…. The point I wanted to make is that feelings are real and therefore you cannot just tell a person to ignore them or that they shouldn’t have them. If someone’s feelings are irrational, you still cannot invalidate them. You must first acknowledge them and the fact that they are not something easily controlled (And often times not controllable at all) and then bring in the logic. I.e. “I know you’re angry because your spaghetti’s on the floor,, but Shanaynay didn’t spill it on purpose.” V.S. “Calm down, it’s not like she did it on purpose.”.

There is a thing called emotional intelligence. I’m very lacking in this department, but I have enough regular intelligence to acknowledge and work on it. I really do think I have a mild form of aspergers or something like it, but I’m glad I came to that realization. I’m bad at understanding social cues and piecing things together. I miss out on jokes and sarcasm from time to time because I honestly just don’t get it. Sometimes I stop to think about things for a long time before coming to a realization that feels like an epiphany, but when I go to explain it to someone else it’s something they picked up on without even having to think about it. I have a hard time understanding why it’s not always okay to say things that are true. Hell, I picked honest as my personality trait for that English assignment in Becker’s class Sophomore year. I also have a hard time understanding emotions that I can’t physically feel. Anyway,, I’m glad I realized I have this problem/these problems. It allows me to prevent a lot of issues and explain behaviors of mine that other people don’t understand.

I enjoy intelligent arguments. I also believe they are an essential part of the modern human experience. People who don’t understand how to engage in intelligent arguments make me sad. I almost can’t comprehend how people think that belittling others and using profanity does anything but invalidate their arguments. When you come out and say that you are intelligent, when you attack for something that doesn’t relate to the topic (especially when it’s something they cannot control), and when you use swears/slurs, you decrease the intelligence of your argument. You significantly decrease the chance that anyone who didn’t already agree with you will even hear the point you’re trying to make. Words can hurt. It’s also important to understand opposing arguments. Your argument is much stronger if you show that you understand the opposition, but still think it’s wrong.

Words can significantly impact a person's emotions, mental health, etc. Words can start wars. Words can make people famous. For a lot of people, stringing words together and/or understanding words is their job. Words are one of the main ways we communicate. Words have power. Without them, our societies would be drastically different. Words can get you into all kinds of legal trouble. Words matter. Expression matters. Communication matters. How someone can dismiss words in favor of violence, I will never understand. Violence doesn’t lead to change or understanding. Words can. Words can hurt. Words can heal. They are not insignificant.

That’s not to say that you should be offended by specific words. Words like “fuck” for example. Yes, it’s not a “nice” word and it’s not a word that is socially acceptable in most professional settings. But hearing someone say it on TV or at a restaurant or in any random context that does not require professional language, should not offend you. If it does offend you, that is your problem. If something someone says, whilst not meaning to hurt anyone, bothers you, that is not their problem. They can say whatever they want. If you don’t like it, it is your job to stay away from them, to ignore it, to reflect on why it offends you and whether or not it’s a feeling you want to hold onto. Words matter but the intention behind them matters more.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Everyone in America has freedom of speech. These things don’t mean that you can say whatever you want. Saying hurtful things can get you into legal trouble. Cyberbullying, harassment, stalking, libel, and slander can all get you into legal trouble. You do not have the right to go around and be a jerk to people. You just don’t. A good general principle to live by is to do whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt others.

You don’t have to cottle people. You don’t have to refrain from talking about things because it offends people. But you do have to keep in mind that the platforms you leave your opinions on have rules and guidelines. You do have to keep in mind that saying certain things in a certain way can be illegal. And if you want people to care about your feelings, you should be sure to care about theirs. There is a balance between being yourself/expressing your opinions and trash talking people, harassing people, etc.

I’ve been putting a lot of effort into becoming a better person. I think it’s important to always be reflecting on who you are and working towards positive changes, especially when you’re not happy with who you are as a person. By coming to college and being in the Bears for a Just Community LLC alone, by surrounding myself with new people and opportunities, I am growing more and more each day. I’ve been actively choosing to be better - to be more conscious of others feelings and how what I say and do impacts them, to put more effort into school, to learn, to go to class everyday, to evaluate myself and my choices, to go to the gym, and to be healthier. I feel more productive. I feel like I’m actually living and participating in the college experience; I didn’t feel like that before. I think being productive, bettering myself, and learning are going to make me so much happier. I’m ready to do the whole “New year, new me” cliche right. I want to always be improving.

There is a lot more I could say, but I’ve been working on this entry for a while so I’ll leave it at that.

#diary #journal #dear diary #personal #vent #rant #march

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nanf1c · 7 years

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Bold Truths

tagged by @maleccrazedauthor and @lightbanes !!! <3

1st rule: tag 9 mutuals you would like to know better

@female-overlord-3 @alecismyfuture @blissfullybane @crazyellephantrambles @daddariossmile @hoteldumorts @ladymatt @blj2007 @damnyoudaddario

2nd rule: bold the statements that are true

I am 5'7" or taller I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo (Two for now :)) I have at least one piercing (seven wow!) I have blonde hair I have brown eyes (poop eyes) I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined (its crazy i don’t do shit anymore and they still there, please stay bbys) I have or have had braces (went through phases before braces then braces twice, twice!)

PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny (hey i like making people laugh okay) Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me (absolutely) I enjoy physical challenges (bring on the work outs and dance routines and hard hikes please) I enjoy mental challenges (it’s healthy for your brain right??) I’m playfully rude with people I know well (i think strangers think we hate each other with how we talk lol) I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it There is something I would change about my personality (there is always room for improvement)

ABILITY: I can sing well I can play an instrument I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well (i mean i guess) I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch (gimme dat french toast, spaghetti and rice) I know how to throw a proper punch (don’t mess with me man i watch movies so therefore i know how to punch)

HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else was I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else was I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month (considering im taking two art classes i have drawn quite a bit lately) I enjoy writing (yesssssssssss when it isn’t stressful lol) Fandoms are my #1 passion (i’ll admit it) I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss (eighth grade i think) I have had alcohol (eighth grade i think lmao) I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting (yeah okay ill admit that too i guessssss) I have been at an overnight event (very tiring but fun!) I have been in a taxi (i mean you gotta at some point in your life right??) I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year (does taking my sister count?) I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts (Hozier is fucking amazing and so is Weezer and rebelution wowoowwo)

RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship I have a crush on a celebrity (LOL uh yes Matthew the dork and that won’t ever change) I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships (i honestly think just four) I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year (glad we are past that one) I have been in a relationship for at least a year (yuuuuuuuup) I have had feelings for a friend (hey friends are awesome you can’t help it)

MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” (without a doubt) I live close to my school (like fifteen min on the freeway is close right??) My parents are still together I have at least one sibling (twoooooooooooo) I live in the United States (for now) There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend in the past month (Yes! thank god lol) I have a smartphone (duh) I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone (shared a room with my sister her whole life)

RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced I know a person named Jamie I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce (hard to understand his accent too) I have dyed my hair (Oh god the black hair phase) I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life (i know what my dream is if that counts) I speak at least 2 languages I have made a new friend in the past year (uh yes may i present the two greatest people alive @blj2007 and @damnyoudaddario)

Thank you so much for the tag lovelies! Feel free to ignore this! it’s just for fun :)

#cute shit #tags #tag games

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ann-astro · 7 years

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Personal post; advice and rambling thoughts about grief

So, my grandma died on Thursday. It kind of made me realize a lot of things, I guess. And I thought I’d share, since loss and grief is something that reaches everyone.

Mourning feels different in a lot of ways between a young person and an elderly person, I think. I lost it completely when I heard my cousin had died in a car crash. He was 31. We were close, and he’d lived with us for all of middle school for me. When I was figuring out I wanted to develop my art, he was there, he was an artist, he pushed me forward. So when he died suddenly, my thoughts raced a lot and so did my words. He was too young, not him, etc.

I felt kind of guilty when–after hearing in the same way, through my mother after she received a call–I didn’t react the same. I felt upset, I cried, i paced about. But I wasn’t, for lack of a better word, shocked to the point of emotional breakdown. But, I think it makes sense, and in no way, to others who felt like this, does crying just a bit and then managing fairly well afterwards, make you care less, or make you a bad person. I love my grandma. We visited her and my grandpa a few times a year for extended times during school breaks, since they lived about eight hours away. I am closer with my grandpa, but he is talkative,warm, intelligent, well-read, and a musician and a storyteller, while my grandma was a quiet woman who listened, thought carefully, collected antiques, enjoyed coffee and sugary breakfasts, made good spaghetti, liked butter pecan ice cream. But I thought about it, i realized, in the instants after I found out, that I had been preparing myself a little bit by bit for a very long time. By no means was my grandma specifically terminally ill or given an amount of time to live, but she wasn’t healthy. She was 83, had diabetes, a brain tumor that was only semi-dangerous but was unremovable without serious complications due to location behind her eye, heart issues, Alzheimer’s, blood pressure issues, had fallen multiple times in the past few months and hit her leg, her head, and was going to be moved to a home or hospital. I’ve been kind of preparing myself for this, I think. I think we all kind of do that when people get sick or grow old, and I realized I probably shouldn’t feel guilty. I’ve been, in some ways, subconsciously coming to terms with her mortality, in that when her time came–though it was sudden– it was of natural causes, and I found it easier to accept.

Maybe I’m just still in denial, it hasn’t fully hit me yet, or something. I feel a little hollow, but not closed. I understand she’s died. I understand I’ll see her body in that casket. I’m not ready, but I will. I know, though it’s hard to imagine, that she is dead. I can’t imagine my grandpa without my grandma by his side. But I will see him like that.

I realized I can’t be mad when people just say cookie-cutter things like “ I’m sorry for your loss”, because I know you are, I loved her and she died– But I can’t be mad for you loving me, and feeling sorry for me, because I would, most likely, say the same to you. Because while empathy can run much deeper than “I’m sorry for you”, much more than that is very, very difficult to express delicately with words. We feel grief most when we experience it, and it can be hard to empathize with it completely, so we shouldn’t get mad when people can’t. I can’t expect a person to grieve for someone they never, or barely, knew. I wouldn’t want them to expect that of me, or I’d be beyond burdened with guilt (no, I can’t say this to them earnestly, I bet she was wonderful, but who was she,) more than we each carry naturally by living our lives and losing.

And I remember a time when mentally and emotionally I hit my lowest point, and was really fighting some demons. And I hear my mom cry, and her voice crack and she tells me how sad my grandfather is and I get reminded, for the second major time in my life, why I can’t sink down to that again. And I won’t.

And I’m not quite sure what else to say, but don’t feel guilty about the way you grieve, and never expect so much from yourself that you must grieve the same for every person, or that there are tiers of closeness in which two people should elicit the same kind of or “amount” of grief. There aren’t. It isn’t a process you need to follow, either. Don’t feel guilty about your form of grief. but, anyways. feel free to share your thoughts or experiences on this post or by dming me, if you want.

#grief and loss #grief #loss #losing a loved one #losing a grandma #grandma #dealing with loss #dealing with grief #coping #coping with loss #coping with grief #managing grief #don't feel guilty #guilt #loss and guilt #guilt and grief

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felixtheprotector · 7 years

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Veganism: Is It Enough?

Some certainly call it far fetched. But do far fetched and effective have the same connotations? This is not a debate on the health benefits or potential risks of a non meat and dairy diet but an assessment of the diet's effectiveness as an act of compassion, justice and sustainability.

I endorse and encourage veganism, however as an ecologist I am tolerant of the reality that soil, being composed of dead animals, renders the consumption of all crops a contribution to a life/death cycle. Pick what you will off the vegetable aisles but you'll never break that cycle. You just have to be humble to it and accept that somewhere down the line you are a part of it. Vegansim per sé is an ersatz term.

But there's one problem. That cycle has long been disfigured and abused by humans by means of non natural selection, our sterile environment, sedentary urban lifestyles and the advent of factory farming. To consider the role of humans in the food chain today as balanced would be delusional. Lierre Kieth who is a founding member of the Deep Green Resistance nails the history of agriculture in a couple of sentences defining agriculture as that which props up civilization, the leading cause of desertification, topsoil degradation, the sixth mass extinction in recorded natural history and runaway global warming.

These are things our Neanderthal ancestors would never have needed to worry about however the chances of mankind returning to a hunter gatherer lifestyle are slim considering that the cultivator lifestyle has been at large for over 10 000 years and resulted in the creation of farms, houses, cites and endless forms of human to human and human to non human interaction including concepts such as possession and ownership, rivalry and war.

It was at the time of reaching the top of the food chain and consuming large mammals that humans became humans, developed an indoor or in-cave lifestyle, along with it painting and draughtsmanship, oral communication and subsequently language and numerous concepts, fictions and faiths. I look at religion, art and language as the peaceful products of our genetic evolution despite the way in which religion is framed today as a causing factor of war. War itself is part of our genetic evolution... and it is all because of agriculture and the struggle for land on which to cultivate and resources with which to do so.

Fast forward to today and there are seven billion humans and well over half of them living in cities. Since supermarkets, we in the first world no longer have a relationship with our food and the more our population grows and the more animals are reared in intensive ever more urban conditions, the more detached we become from the animals. The Department of Labor in the United States considers farming a statistically insignificant occupation, less than 2% of the American population live on farms and cities are expanding worldwide. This is why we do not question the source of our food or have a relationship with our food.

A good indicator by which to measure whether or not an animal product merits the label "organic" is to judge whether or not the animal product supports life or destroys life. By eating this food are you yourself creating a hierarchy, or are you joining a web? All products are animal products but the scale on which they are produced has gone from supporting the cycle of life to destroying the cycle of life. Not only that but supermarkets and supply chains don't sell liver, brain, tongue or bone marrow. These are the animal products with which our ancestors nourished themselves and that the hunter gatherers of Africa, Asia and South America today would consider nutrient dense and naturally, these are the parts that we don't eat anymore. So to cut it out makes perfect sense. If you can't do it right, don't do it at all and if it doesn't nourish, what's the point?

Besides some fats, the nutrients humans require from animal products are barely present in the animal products of today. Put simply, eating chickens injected with chlorine or cows fed on fossil fuels, nitrogen, antibiotics and subsidised grain does not make you healthy. This is evident from the prevalence of obesity and cancer in humans as just two examples of illnesses that would have been unheard of prior to 10 000 years ago and that have risen in cases along with the expansion of fossil fuel based agriculture.

Similarly, eating genetically modified fruit and veg sprayed with neonicotinoids and organophosphates has not made the vegan population the happy, body building crowd you see on Instagram. We call this the Green Revolution. Whether you do or don’t eat meat, humans are sick and the only thing it comes down to is the fact that we allow subsidy farming to exist and that no one has heard of the Green Revolution and no, that's not a positive term.

You may be wondering why no one questions it. We fail to question the seemingly sacrosanct model that is agriculture because we are all under the impression that it feeds us. But we must question it in order to abolish it and this is not a far fetched call. The first steps required are reform and I'm not talking about Stalinised agrarian reform or GMOs or anything like that. I'm talking about taking permaculture to a new level where we no longer buy food from the corner but grow it on our roofs. Everyone's roofs. I'm talking about doing it underground like in Clapham Junction. Or under the sea like Nemo's Garden in Savona, Italy. I'm talking about restoring the prairies of Europe and North America and the rainforests of South America and South East Asia because North Africa and the Middle East are unrecoverable deserts again thanks to a prehistoric status quo whereby people are forced to militarise against one another in competition for ever expanding patches of land on which to cultivate.

Veganism and permaculture are consumer based solutions and alternatives to cattle rearing. Alternatives are beautiful and so is advocating them but lifestyle and dietary adjustments are the easy way out. There's a lot more that needs to be done. As far as compassion goes I think people who oppose veganism are massively in denial but I also think it needs to go further than supermarket aisles.

In Britain we have taken to the streets to demand a commitment to zero fossil fuels from two governments over the past four years by means of four consecutive People's Climate marches and endless divestment campaigns aimed at our government and the private sector. We as a population have proven just how "over it" we are but since when has this mattered to the industry that keeps churning out crude oil and fracking out shale? Now take that reality and turn your attention to factory farming which is in itself dependent on the fossil fuel industry. This is not a cry of despair. To base one's hopes on others is an act of despair. This is a call to sabotage.

The boycott is based on a "hit em where it hurts" mentality. Or at least it used to be. Today it's more of a feel better about yourself approach which is entirely internalising and a means to withdraw from the fight itself. The boycott in its original form not only lacks the momentum of the powerful industries it claims to target today such as factory farming but the actual thought process behind the boycott has softened over the years. The question we need to ask ourselves is, "is it direct action?". When I decide to take action "am I engaging with the issue or am I walking away from it?"

It is easy to opt out of a system without attempting to dismantle it. I can go to the pub for dinner and order a mushroom burger while my five friends order hamburgers. Better yet, you can invite me to dinner and prepare a spaghetti bolognese with meatballs for my family but serve me an alternative with tofu. But what are you actually achieving? Well I'll tell you what you've achieved. You've increased the amount of food by providing not just one option but two options, therefore doubling your overall consumption and forgetting that planting soy is responsible for immeasurable habitat loss in South America, Asia and what's left of North America.

Radical environmentalism, a school of philosophy to which I pertain, requires you to be analytical and decisive and leads us away from oversimplifying our actions. What we in the environmental movement have suffered ever since Al Gore released An Inconvenient Truth is the oversimplification of our actions. That is to say the pragmatism of our actions and how realistic they are. Until the Deep Green Resistance was published in 2011 no one actually analysed how we could render our actions more decisive in taking down these industries. But we can. And we must analyse this in order to face extinction with all the tools we have and not just a bunch of ideologies based on what we buy because the one thing we cannot buy is time.

As individuals we do not have the capacity to overthrow factory farming without engaging in sabotage which is a risk to our security but a risk activists are willing to take. It is hard to support an underground resistance group without going undercover yourself. Similarly we cannot battle extinction when adhering to a system that perpetuates it. We may have to get our hands dirty and we may have to forego our own safety. Or maybe if we've got a bit of money to spare, we can help out someone else that's already forgoing their safety. So we ask ourselves... what can we do about the disappearing species?

We can focus on numbers. We can try and replenish their colonies. We can conduct rescue programmes to increase their populations. We can also be more radical and indeed we must. We can stand in the way of their perpetrators. We don't even need to break the law to sabotage the meat and dairy industry's unscientific culling of badgers in Britain. It's legal to stand in the way of the gunmen and it's effective. They cannot shoot badgers when there are people on the paths but there's one problem. There aren't enough people on those paths. So what are you waiting for? Refraining from eating animals is a commitment but protecting animals is a vocation.

In light of this I would like to introduce CoalitionWILD, a group of over forty field activists which I recently joined, each of whom are in some way tackling extinction in different parts of the world.

I firmly believe that it is commencing acts that is going to contribute to salvaging what's left of our planet and not simply refraining from acts of consumption. Two hundred species will have gone extinct by the end of today. The same thing happened yesterday. Refraining from acts of consumption or the "boycott" as we know it, is unlikely to keep up with the pace of extinction.

#extinction #extinction17 #sixth extinction #racing extinction #animal welfare #animal rights #wildlife #factory farming #compassion in world farming #organic #urban agriculture #permaculture #aquaponics #hydroponics #conservation #aquaculture #activism #environment #climate change

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surveys-at-your-service · 7 years

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Survey #98

“white trash, get down on your knees.”

have you ever lied to a person of authority? what did you say? i mean, i've lied to my parents. and i don't know, multiple things that don't immediately come to my head. are your eyebrows darker than your hair? yeah. what do you prefer, lasagna or spaghetti and meatballs? spaghetti w/ meatballs. i don't like lasagna because of the cheese. are all your pets micro chipped? no, but they have tags. would you ever cope in a jail? NO. i would be depressed out of my SENSES. have you ever seen an alligator in person? in zoos as well as the wild. when hurricane floyd like ruined everything, the zoo flooded and was essentially destroyed. apparently, an alligator got out, because i saw one in the ditch once shortly after the hurricane. that zoo was never rebuilt. do you live across from a corn field? no, but i once lived across from a tobacco field. welcome to nc. how long have you been tattooed? if you’re not, do you want to get tattooed? i got my first for my 18th birthday, so a few years. are you a liberal? not mostly, but i have some liberal traits, ex. i support gay marriage. were you fearless or a coward in the face of the child hunter in "chitty chitty bang bang?" i'm pretty sure he scared me. i don't remember much about the movie. did you ever hit anything while learning to drive? i literally almost immediately hit a curb lol. jeff foxworthy, bill engvall, ron white, or larry the cable guy? i enjoy them all, but jeff's gotta top the list. have you or a pet ever gotten a tapeworm? no. i would rather die than get one. i am deathly afraid of internal parasites. do you know any furries? yes. i once lived with two of 'em. do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc) yes. more than anything, i worry about what my job situation is going to be like. do you snore? steal the covers? roll around in your sleep? I STEAL THE FUCK OUT OF COVERS is the lion the best character in "the wizard of oz?" i actually like the scarecrow. would you immediately look for someone right after you broke up with your bf/gf? no. it just doesn't seem... right. if you became a doctor, would you help your patients kill themselves? no. just. no. do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING? no. do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? only sara and connie. have you ever tried to learn another language? how did it go? i took four years of german, and i got to the point where i was pretty fluent. it's atrophied all to hell though. have you ever shared a house with a significant other? an apartment, yes. do you have a crush on anyone? tell me about them. i'm dating whom i have a crush on. have you ever had something signed by someone famous? what and who? no. i think. does your father have any facial hair? he has a van dyke beard/mustache. have you ever felt like you were making a mistake when dating someone? oh boy, have i. did you continue the relationship or end it when you realized? ended it. do you think you look similar to your siblings? we have some similarities. ex., we all have the same shade of brown hair naturally. have you ever played cards against humanity? did you like it? oh my actual god, one time when i was at colleen's, we did as a family. we all had a couple drinks, so it was funnier than it should've been. closest i have EVER been to peeing myself. however, it's not as funny with subsequent plays, because you know what cards to expect. do you know anyone who’s lived through a natural disaster? yeah, me and many family members and friends. hurricanes are a common occurrence in nc. how many brothers/sisters do you have? two immediate sisters, one half-brother, three half-sisters. are you lactose intolerant? no. would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? dude i am the weirdest mix of both lol. how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. they are wonderful ways of expression. i just find some piercings aesthetically pleasing on certain people, while tattoos are how you can easily paint the picture of your life on yourself. list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. i've only been to one, and that was alice cooper. it was very fun, despite thunderstorming the whole time. have you ever been on drugs for anxiety, depression, mental illness? i have been since the 6th grade and i still am. do you like green apples? only if they're crisp. have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? yes. squeak, harry potter, snickers, and one other whose name i've forgotten... do you shop at hot topic? yes. have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as wicca? no, but they intrigue me, especially wicca. would you rather be a boy or girl? a girl. do you prefer to be around introverted or extroverted people? introverted. not trying to generalize here, but i find they tend to be more insightful. what do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? i'm devoted and loyal as fuck, very loving, and will emotionally support a partner through thick and thin. what do you think makes you a bad girlfriend or boyfriend? one, my anxiety and insecurity. i've also never encountered this situation before, but i honestly feel that i'd get pretty jealous if he ever hung out with another girl platonically, because i'm immensely paranoid. like do not get me wrong, i wouldn't prevent him from doing it, i'd just be very worried. an issue i'm sure a lot of people would have with me is the fact i'm a pretty big prude. has anyone written a song or a piece of poetry about you? yeah. but i can virtually guarantee he used it on other girls. how many drinks does it take for you to become drunk? i wouldn't know, considering i've never been drunk. i was relatively tipsy after four bottles of very mild alcohol, though. do you admire brutal honesty? sometimes. other times it is completely unnecessary. what is your party trick? hiding out in the background somewhere, playing with your pet. <-- THIS haha <<< SAME if you had a mental disorder, what would it be? i'm diagnosed with chronic depression, general anxiety & social anxiety, ptsd (which i think i'm recovered from), and i've heard both bipolar ii and borderline personality disorder. do you think the "paranormal activity" movies were scary? no. i actually liked them. do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? i'm honestly very passive, so aggressive. the last time you drank with someone else or more than one person who was in the worst shape? chelsea always is. she takes two bottles of light alcohol and she's vomiting lol. what would you say is the worst part of high school, period? you're going through it in arguably the biggest time of your life. you are constantly changing and developing and going through so much mentally. you're still figuring out who you want to be. not to mention, you're expected to make huge decisions, all the while still having to ask to go to the bathroom. you have so much responsibility just all of the sudden while your brain is morphing a lot. are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? no. too much responsibility. not to mention they try to get into everything; you can't turn away for two seconds. what is the worst name a friend has ever called you? do you remember? probably just "bitch" or something along the line. no friend has ever called me one to my face, but i can literally guarantee some have. ACTUALLY. to my face, i was called a martyr by my ex's friend after the break-up. and i'm certain he didn't mean it as in "you'd die for your beliefs," he meant it as in "hey you pretend it's the apocalypse to get sympathy." which is entirely fucking untrue about me. that honestly hurt a lot and it still sticks with me. it honestly made me more uncomfortable to express my feelings. do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? i can't stand colleen's mom because she's a grade-a bitch, and her dad makes me uncomfortable, but he's not creepy. what is your least favorite word? i literally abhor the word "cunt." hurts to even type. what turns you on? various, pretty normal stuff. what turns you off? the usual stuff - bad hygiene, bad manners, etc <–Yep. <<<< I agree. <<<<< same. have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? i've had one since the 6th grade. have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? not a legitimate crush, no. who is your celebrity crush? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) who is your most loyal friend? i honestly feel like connie. we've literally never fought, and she's always been there.

why are you happy, if you even are?

because i've come so far in my recovery that i have no excuse to complain.

is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

yes.

what do you think of when you hear the name mark?

lol you know exactly who i think of.

kristin?

no one.

zoe?

only the best character from "ssx tricky"

jamie?

no one.

adam?

alex shepherd's dad from "silent hill: homecoming"

carmen?

the best dancer that was ever at the dance studio i used to go to

do you like fluffy yogurts?

NO. i CANNOT do the texture.

don’t you hate that you have to watch the baby being born in health class?

i actually never did. but i physically wouldn't have been able to. i would've 100% shielded my eyes.

what’s the earliest memory you have?

walking out into the living room with my stuffed baby bunny and seeing ashley play "medievil" (i'm pretty sure that's how they spelled it). we all used to love that game. we only had the demo disc, though.

do you ever say “fail” when people mess up?

no, but i usually say "gg" lol

how important is it for a significant other to be good with kids?

not all that important considering i don't want any, but simultaneously, i certainly wouldn't tolerate them being mean to kids.

what was the last thing that hurt your feelings? was it warranted or do you think you just took it too personally?

i'd rather just not talk about it, but yeah, it was warranted.

what is your dad’s name?

kenneth, but everyone calls him ken.

does your mother have a sister? if so, what's her name?

... wait,

does

she? i don't think so, actually... maybe...

is your favorite color the same as when you were a kid?

not exactly; my first favorite color was just normal red, now it's maroon.

who last grabbed your ass?

chelsea lol

have you ever been called a slut/whore?

no, because i am literally the direct opposite. well correction, chelsea, colleen, and alex have playfully, but none of them have ever meant it. we all call each other shit names lol. all in love<3

who is your favorite foreign singer/musician?

rammstein. they have amazing music and their lyrics are usually pretty cool.

do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (ie abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)?

no. i enjoy people having different opinions. grow the fuck up and let people think differently.

do you edit any of your pictures? in what ways?

yes. i tend to do general things, like color correction and basic enhancement. sometimes i do more, particularly if it's legitimate photography of mine, in which case i tend to either bump up or desaturate the colors.

who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice?

colleen

what months were you and your siblings born in?

as far as immediate siblings, april and june, and i was born in february.

do you prefer prince or michael jackson?

jackson. i was never into prince.

do you like spring rolls?

yeah. ruby tuesday's has the best.

when was the last time you painted something?

it's been about a year.

name one favorite thing to do with kids while babysitting.

if they're old enough, i love to teach them how to play games from my childhood. if not, idk. i just in general don't like watching kids.

what kind of things do you post on tumblr?

rhett&link + markiplier stuff, mostly. but i also reblog some funny stuff, plus meerkat pictures.

what band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see?

none.

name the three biggest things that make up you.

passion, anxiety, dank memage. *finger guns*

what song is your ‘anthem’?

the song "that's what you get" by paramore reminds me most of myself, particularly the line "i drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating."

which movie villain do you find the most terrifying?

hmmm. a number. i find christabella laroache from the "silent hill" moving frightening (no, i'm not being biased) because she's like the queen example that religion can drive people insane. the joker is also horrifying for the simple fact he's legitimately insane.

do you think frogs/toads look disgusting?

no, they're cute.

what happens when you strongly disagree with someone?

if i voice my opinion, i get very scared that they'll get angry with me. if i don't, nothing. i just accept their opinion.

have you ever been tested for drugs?

yes, while i was at the er for suicide attempts/being suicidal.

do you own any fish? if so, are the docile or aggressive?

no.

if your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?

nope.

are you allergic to any insect bites?

no.

who is your favorite golden girl?

rose!!! (:

what is your favorite commercial of the moment?

it is legitimately always going to be the sexy mr. clean commercial lmao

do you have any famous relatives?

not relatives, but ancestors. we're related to queen victoria and william clark.

favorite album?

"black rain" by ozzy osbourne. i literally love every song on the album and it was my first voyage into heavy metal.

if your son said he was gay, how would you react?

i would be really really proud of him for trusting me with such a thing!!

would you date someone who played video games all weekend long?

so long he does his responsibilities, sure. let him do what he enjoys.

what are your top three video games of all time?

"silent hill 2," "amnesia: a machine for pigs," and then probably "silent hill 3."

what's your favorite care bear?

i remember i liked the one with a rainbow on its stomach.

state 8 facts about your body.

i'm 5'5''. just gonna say i'm bigger than i'm supposed to be. i have five piercings. my hair is naturally brown, but dyed red. my eyes are blue. the nail on both of my rings fingers is slightly deformed (my sisters' are, too). i have incredibly tiny toes. i wear glasses.

what was your kinkiest wet dream?

not a kinky person over here.

what song, no matter where you are or what you are doing, immediately takes you back to high school?

"all signs point to lauderdale" by a day to remember, DEFINITELY.

do you think you could join the army?

no way. i couldn't anyway because i'm mentally ill/have a suicidal history.

would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships?

nope.

do you have soft hands? do you like holding hands?

just about everyone who's ever touched my hands tells me they're soft. and yeah, so long they're not sweaty.

do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable?

to me, it really depends on where you're sleeping.

have you ever failed a class?

only in college.

have you ever cried over a breakup?

only for over a year.

are you planning on dying your hair any time soon?

hopefully.

do you feel as though you're good at understanding/communicating with animals?

people have called me dr. doolittle since i was a very young kid for a reason lol

where would you like to spend your honeymoon?

i actually don't have big plans. i'd just love to spend a little while in the mountains of nc.

what's one thing you collected as a child:

stickers. my dresser at the time was legitimately covered.

what fictional animal do you wish was real?

oh my GOD, the fey dragons from wow. they are fucking adorable and so pure.

have you ever been told you’ve punched someone in your sleep?

lol yeah. sorry, jason.

have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?

a few poems, yeah.

what is your favorite vampire book/movie/show?

i remember i loved the book "bite me"

do you actually know anyone who is homophobic?

yes.

did you ever read "the giver"? see the movie?

i read the book and loved it.

what was your first impression of your best friend?

i don't have a *best* friend, but i'll answer for the two closest to me. one, i don't really remember because we were super super young. the other, oh my god it was obvious we hated each other.

what is your profile pic a picture of?

i'mma just answer for like... all of them lol. main tumblr & youtube: link neal (but i'mma change yt to mark when i'm not being lazy); facebook&this blog: me; deviantart: an oc; km rp: mark fischbach; aaand i'm sure i'm forgetting some

have you ever been dumped really harshly?

very. he dumped me over facebook messenger like a coward, considering we'd been dating for 3 1/2 years.

has a tree ever fallen down on your house?

yes, during a hurricane. i was totally knocked out asleep so i didn't even hear it land directly above my head lol. then at our second house, a tree fell on our fuel tank, literally landing directly beside the cap, sooo we're lucky as fuck it didn't blow up.

would you ever get your hips pierced?

no. dermals sound really painful.

what if someone asked you to be in a relationship with them?

i'm in a relationship right now and am happy that way.

what will your next piercing be?

my nose.

what do you regret doing at FAR too young?

i'd rather just not talk about it.

marvel or dc?

dc, maybe.

what are you most proud of?

how far i've come

what is your favorite otp?

that actually exists, mark&amy. hypothetically, rhett&link

who is your favorite disney villain?

scar, maybe? OH. maleficent, actually.

did you ever watch "phil of the future"?

not really. i was never a big fan.

are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy?

sexual activities, sure. sex itself, i wouldn't know.

how old were you when you first became sexually active?

again, mind you, i'm a virgin, but if you're talking about doing anything sexual, probably 16. maaaybe 17, but i'm pretty sure 16.

would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus?

i legitimately wanted a caiman for a while because apparently that's legal lol

where is the last place you’d want to be on halloween night?

not sure

describe your favorite comedy movie?

my favorite's "white chicks" omg

what, in your opinion, is the most disgusting part of the human body?

i've stated before i have some asexual traits, and part of that is found in the fact i find both genitalia legitimately disgusting.

what feelings come over you when you know you’re falling in love?

i smile a lot and get very shy around the person. looots of butterflies.

do you believe in ghosts, spirits, demons?

yes to all.

would you consider yourself creative and how wide would you say your imagination can stretch?

i honestly believe i'm creative as fuck. it goes pretty damn far.

if you could go into any video game world, what would it be and why?

"world of warcraft." because. like. just take me to azeroth, pls. god i am such a nerd.

hamburger or hot dog?

cheeseburgers, usually.

what's something nerdy about you?

i am legitimately made of nerdy shit

would you cheat on your significant other if it meant sleeping with your celebrity crush?

no, actually. probably surprising considered how obsessed i am with him lol

how old do you want to live to?

maybe like 75? 80? i don't want to get to the point of being old where i'm like pissing myself and need help with literally everything. that would be legitimate torture to me.

are you comfortable with your height?

sure.

have you ever slept on a couch with someone else, with whom?

yeah, jason.

do you think the legal drinking age should be changed?

not entirely. i do, however, believe 18-year-olds should be allowed to drink only if accompanied by an adult.

have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

i have hit rock bottom before.

have you ever been bitten by a snake?

no.

do you like train’s music?

i was a big fan way before they become mainstream thanks to mom.

how’s your relationship between you and your grandparents?

dad's mom is dead, mom's dad is dead, i don't even remember the last time i talked to my dad's dad (but he's suuuuper nice and supportive), and i'm pretty damn sure mom's mom doesn't like me. she's bitched me out before and has said some very rude things to me. i'm not particularly fond of her either, but i try.

has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you?

never had sex, but as for the only person i've ever been sex

ual

with, yes.

are both of your blood parents still in your life?

my parents are divorced so i don't really see my dad, but he's still a part of my life.

do you like your best friend’s boy/girlfriend?

colleen's husband is awesome and is quite a bit like myself, but sara's not in a relationship.

have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in?

yeah.

when you’re interested in someone, do you let them know?

no.

have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?

ha ha omg yeah

what are your parents’ middle names?

marie & john

in your opinion, which is more attractive: nice biceps or washboard abs?

biceps. really obnoxious abs aren't that appealing to me.

have you ever been hypnotized?

no. i don't believe in that jazz.

do you have any lockets with pictures inside?

no.

what would you consider to be the worst television channel out there?

mtv

do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? why?

no.

do you think age matters in friendship?

no. i have a friend who's 30.

how old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

i don't want kids. i'm fine with my nieces and nephews.

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

heather (silent hill), tyler is legitimately me (markiplier crew), chase (rhett&link crew)

what’s a popular movie you’ve never seen?

the entirety of "harry potter." and "lord of the rings."

has anyone ever gotten in your face completely bitching you out?

my grandma, yes.

does it annoy you when people use too many emoticons when they’re typing?

it can.

would you ever consider yourself over dramatic?

i can be, honestly.

would you consider yourself more indie or mainstream?

indie. essentially nothing about me is mainstream.

do you ever use cheats when you play video games?

no.

has anyone, besides yourself, considered you as a failure?

most likely.

did you go to pre-k?

yeah.

have you ever stolen a friend's boyfriend?

not intentionally. then there's the fact we never actually dated.

do you regret it?

i regret ever being flirty with him, yes.

are you sorry?

it's only like my biggest regret, so.

who was your first celebrity crush?

probably jesse mccartney lol

would you smoke if it meant getting $30, or do you smoke anyways?

no.

what school teams or clubs are/were you a part of?

art honors society, honors society.

do you enjoy going through old pictures?

sometimes. other times, the nostalgia is too much.

is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist?

i honestly find dave mustaine of megadeth to be an awful singer, but somehow, i feel it adds to his charm??

do you tend to get clingy in relationships?

really, it depends on my mood and how comfortable i am with you. i legitimately demand space early in a relationship, and i romantically bond with people very slowly. once i actually feel attached to you, i can be sometimes. other times, i still need space.

have you ever dated outside of your race?

for less than a day, so you couldn't really call it "dating." he was hispanic.

when was the last time you received a massage?

never had one professionally, but jason and i would give each other a massage if we legitimately felt like we needed one.

would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs?

not like really big, but curvy.

what do you usually put in your omelets?

cheese and ham. man... now i really want an omelet lol

do you like kiwis?

YAAAAAS

do you want any piercings?

my nose will be next, then more in my ears. i also would like a belly button ring one day, but i'd only get it once i'm much smaller. absolutely no offense intended, but i don't think they look good on bigger people like me.

have you ever flipped off your mother or father?

no, but i said "fuck you" to my mother only a few months ago. that went over well.

have you ever bowled a strike?

probably.

which is worse: stale chips or flat soda?

stale chips. flat soda doesn't bother me too much.

have you ever questioned your sexuality?

not seriously. when i had ocd, added onto my anxiety, i got into this totally random repetitive thought cycle that i secretly bisexual. i am in no way bisexual, but it was a random question and then my mind obsessed over the possibility i was lying to myself.

what did you usually pack for lunch at school?

sandwiches.

favorite nonliving musician?

probably freddie mercury. wonderfully talented man.

biggest learning experience of your life?

holly hill

what’s your opinion on religion in schools?

i believe all of the more common religions should be electives. i know that's a bit unfair, but if we're being realistic, there's too many religions to fit and get instructors for all of them.

how do you decide whether to accept or not accept a friend request?

i have to know the person and like them to accept them.

do you have an unspeakable past regret?

unspeakable, no.

do you litter?

absolutely not.

do you feed your pets gourmet pet food?

no.

were you miserable in middle school?

i wouldn't say "miserable," but it was definitely the worst school years. it's when my anxiety and depression started, so.

how many people do you know who identify as transgender?

one that i'm certain of. i have another friend that went through a transgender phase.

what is your preferred painkiller?

advil

what color was your senior prom dress?

black

do you support transgenders being able to use the opposite restroom?

i promise, you don't want my opinion.

do you support the raising of the minimum wage?

yes. you can't live off of $7.25.

are you courageous?

not really, if i'm being honest.

could you ever forgive your best friend for sleeping with your boyfriend?

nope.

do you live with your biological parents?

with my mom, yes.

do you have a snapchat?

no.

who is your hero?

mark <3

are you allergic to bees?

i wouldn't know. never been stung.

have you ever had stitches?

yes, in my chin.

did you graduate high school a virgin?

yeah.

would you ever date out of your own race?

yes.

can you describe your father in one word?

forgiving<3

what’s your favorite movie trilogy?

"shiloh," maybe

do you play any games on facebook?

no.

do you have a dog?

we have three.

do you have a step-parent?

yes, but i don't call her "mom" or anything.

do you like grasshoppers?

they actually kinda scare me, especially big ones lol

do you like laffy taffy?

yeah!

at concerts, do you buy merch?

only been to one, but i did. i'd like to think i always would.

what color is your underwear?

i don't wear underwear unless entirely necessary. increases your chances of a yeast infection and they're just uncomfortable.

what’s an interesting fact about the state in which you were born?

it has an abandoned wizard of oz-themed park.

outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus?

yes. i use it occasionally for writing.

do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings?

my mom has her ears pierced.

would you ever stalk a celebrity?

no. i have respect.

do your parents use social media? if so, which ones?

mom has facebook.

do you believe that there’s good in everybody?

nope.

person you used to have feelings for shows up at your house, you say:

"get the fuck away from my house" or something like that.

were your parents married when you were born?

yes.

have you ever thought about having sex?

yeah?

are you available?

no.

do you live in a big house?

no.

have you ever flown in a plane?

twice, but the first i don't remember.

do you like mangoes?

i've actually never had a real mango, but i think i'd like them. i love mango juice.

do you think you’re always right?

absolutely not. it's a ridiculous thing to think.

what’s your favorite season?

autumn.

best disney song?

dude let's be real, "be prepared" from tlk was fire

what’s the worst veggie?

BEANS.

do you like the color yellow?

nooo. it's one of my least favorites.

do you have any old calendars in your room?

i have two meerkat calendars from years ago that are part of my collection.

is it important to you to make a good impression on a bf/gf’s parents?

of course.

are you one of the people who think obama will be assassinated?

well, he obviously wasn't. if anyone's going to get assassinated, it'll be trump.

are you more sympathetic towards animals or humans?

animals, because they have no voice and are never truly do things out of ill intent.

when did your parents stop enforcing curfew?

i never really had a curfew.

how long does it take you in the shower?

not even 15 minutes. i've never understood how people can take such long showers. do your shit and get out.

ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? what about a lip piercing? nose piercing?

lip piercings, yes.

ever made out in a pool?

maybe, but i don't think so.

are you a virgin?

depends on how you define "virgin." but by my definition, yes.

be honest. have you had any dirty thoughts today?

well now that you mention it.

have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise?

no.

do you have trouble reading small fonts?

not usually. depends on what the font is.

are there any old [as in, no longer on television, not necessarily old in terms of years] television shows that you could happily sit through and re-watch the entire series?

"that '70s show"

of all the decisions you have thus far made in your life, which was the best and which was the worst?

best: going to holly hill. worst: letting jason be my everything.

if you were presented with a bowl of fruit with apples, oranges, bananas, and grapes in it - which fruit would you pick to eat?

grapes.

do you have any gay friends?

yes, and i love them.

are you gay yourself?

no, but i don't discriminate against those who are.

how many brothers do you have?

one half-brother.

do you like mexican food?

noooo.

what’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?

colleen: miracle, maxwell, maze. i couldn't even try to name all of sara's lol

do you need to shave?

no.

do you see yourself married in the next five years?

nope.

are you responsible?

if i'm being honest, no.

ever had a pregnancy scare?

no. well, because i have anxiety, i was once scared while i was with jason because i missed my period, despite the fact we never had actual sex. safe to say, i wasn't pregnant. it was my anxiety getting to me.

do you partake in gaming?

if i can, i do. however, my consoles are broken and the psu or graphics card on my gaming laptop is fried, so i haven't in like... six, seven months. it's been torture lol

who has your heart?

two internet celebrities that don't know i exist lmao

do you have an ex who still talks to you? do they want to be with you again?

no. tyler tried to, but he finally got that i wanted nothing to do with him.

ever get mad at something that happened years ago?

yep.

don’t you hate when people assume you’re jealous of somebody just because you dislike them?

y e s

do your legs get really itchy after shaving them?

YES. it's why i have a scar on my shin because i scratched the fuck out of it.

who was the last person you went out to eat with?

dad, his wife, sisters, and my sister's in-laws.

honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you?

probably not. i wouldn't want to anyway, since i'm like 95% sure i want to save 'til marriage.

have you ever kissed someone with a tattoo?

regrettably.

ever had a guy best friend?

yes.

how is your last ex doing?

i don't know and i don't care.

ever given your ALL to someone?

yes, and it was the wrong fucking choice.

how do you know the majority of the people you know?

school, the internet

have you ever had pink eye?

no, but my sister has.

do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on myspace/facebook?

nope.

how many band shirts do you own? which?

including those that don't fit anymore but i have saved, two for ozzy osbourne, two for metallica, otep, disturbed, asking alexandria, hollywood undead, iwrestledabearonce (which i no longer like), marilyn manson, two for alice cooper, and i am 100% positive i've had more. i've had a loooot.

is nutella amazing?

yaaaas queen

have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now?

yes. right side of my nose, left anti-tragus, right tragus, left cartilage. they all closed while i was in the hospital.

would you consider yourself “tough”?

emotionally.

do you have any twins/multiples in your family? are they identical or fraternal?

i don't think so?

who is the youngest person in your family that you know of?

my nephew, i think.

is your mom a good mom?

she tries her best and does so much for me.

who was your first friend?

brianna. we drifted apart in middle school.

would you consider yourself a shy person?

waaaay too shy.

are you on good terms with your last ex?

no.

would you rather be a toaster, or a calculator?

... lol wut

do you like beards, and if so, what is the ideal beard length?

no opinion.

did/do you play with barbies?

i did only when nicole wanted to.

what holidays do you decorate for?

halloween, christmas.

have you ever been high?

no. it just doesn't interest me. i don't like my mind being foggy. it's partially why i've never even been drunk.

do you believe in homosexuality?

yes?? it obviously exists, and there's nothing wrong with it??

do you believe in jesus?

yes. it's a historical fact that he existed, it's just a matter of if you believe in the stories of what he did or not.

who was the last person you kissed?

my boyfriend.

do you play minecraft?

i never have and i'm not interested in it.

do you like mozzarella sticks?

noooo. the only cheese i like is american.

do you listen to nickelback?

i have no shame in admitting that i like some of their songs.

do you watch pewdiepie?

i've been a fan since 2013, or maybe 2012. he's a funny guy. he's got a lot of drama around him, but i sincerely think he's entertaining. i've enjoyed watching him develop as a person and comedian.

do you like the water?

no. i literally never drink it unless i'm dehydrated.

do you like eating zebra cakes?

sure. been a long, long time since i've had one, though.

are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others?

write, draw.

have you ever felt as though you were unrecognizable to yourself?

yep.

when was the last time you took a taxi somewhere?

never.

what was the most embarrassing thing you’ve had to buy?

nothing really embarrassing.

have you ever mistaken a person’s gender?

yeah.

did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare?

yes. i have the immune system of a god.

without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes?

yes. my old english teacher literally stopped class once just to point out to the whole class that i had super long eyelashes lol. i loved her.

is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger?

yeah. tends to be rammstein or metallica.

do any of your close friends have children?

no.

were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

no.

when was the last time you were at the hospital, and why?

in february for a suicide attempt.

"the breakfast club," yay or nay?

i couldn't get into it.

have you ever had a piercing get infected?

yes. second piercing in my right ear lobe.

do you get embarrassed easily?

just about everything embarrasses me, so.

is anybody in your family a carpenter?

no, but my dad was.

would you date someone 8 years older than you?

yeah, but that's like my limit. i'd have to

really

like someone who was nine years older, but i'm cool with eight.

would you rather date someone older than you or younger?

older. at my current age, i wouldn't date someone younger than me.

have you ever dated someone you met online?

no.

what’s something you have a very strong opinion about?

abortion, more than anything. i'm getting more heavily adamant about gay rights.

what gets you emotional?

recalling past struggles and people, seeing others suffer, people doing good in the world, etc.

do you often try to find common ground when in a political debate?

ugh. i just don't like political debates.

do you come across as cold and aloof at times?

i'm sure.

do you think the last person you kissed is a player?

no.

if an ex said they hated you, you say?

good for you.

could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?

no.

are you happy with yourself?

in certain aspects.

would you change yourself for the person you love?

to some degree. it depends.

has a guy ever seriously punched you more than once?

no one's ever punched me, thankfully.

do you think you were ever in love?

i can say without the slightest doubt in my mind that i was.

have you ever dated your friend’s ex?

no.

have you done bad things with your parents nearby?

define "bad things."

have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?

no, i'm not that low.

why do you believe/not believe in god?

because it just seems most logical to me. it just seems... highly, highly unlikely that the fucking stars aligned so perfectly as to make this all possible. but i perfectly respect people that think the opposite, so long they don't stomp on religion.

do you have any recurring dreams? what are they?

no.

what is your favorite baked good?

muffins, maybe.

do you have an addiction to anything?

i have an addictive personality, so, a number of things. nothing unhealthy, though.

during thunderstorms, how does your pet react?

teddy and bentley don't care, cali gets so terrified that she quakes and hides behind the couch.

are you addicted to any energy drinks?

no. energy drinks taste like poison to me.

do you like croutons in your salad?

noooo

when did you meet the last male you texted?

when i was born. he's my dad.

have you ever talked to a boyfriend about a previous ex-boyfriend?

yes. i was having a ptsd breakdown and needed to know if i could confide in him about some things.

can two living souls become one?

no.

has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?

no, but someone probably should lol. i recently realized that i say "fuck" waaay too much. jason's family defiled me. they swear like sailors and like everyone i know noticed my profanity got worse after dating jason for a while because i was with his family a lot and it rubbed off.

why aren’t you in love with your ex anymore?

because you don't love the person that almost caused you to kill yourself.

if your best friend “came out”, how would you feel?

colleen: i would go into legitimate shock since she's for traditional marriage and whatnot. sara: she's demisexual, so.

ever kissed someone you weren’t in a relationship with?

no.

have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?

ew, no.

what was the last song you listened to?

"cake and sodomy" by marilyn manson

have you ever been on a ferris wheel that had swinging cages/gondolas? were you in the swinging cage/gondola or too chicken to go on it?

yeah. it was at a little festival so it was sketchy as fuck too lol. i went with jason, who's afraid of heights, so that was interesting.

do you want a small or big wedding?

small.

are your parents going to buy you a car?

probably not. i don't drive, anyway.

who’s your favorite rapper? and your favorite song by this rapper?

the only rapper i genuinely like is eminem, and i really like "space bound"

how about your favorite band? and your favorite song by this band?

oh brother... ozzy osbourne: "trap door," metallica: "whiskey in the jar," otep: uhhh "special pets" or "apex predator," a day to remember: "i'm made of wax, larry, what are you made of?," marilyn manson: "heart-shaped glasses," rammstein: "nebel" or "donaukinder," cradle of filth: probably their cover of "mr. crowley," korn: "here to stay"

do you hate your last name? do you want to get married so you can change it?

i don't like my last name, but i don't want to get married just so it'll change.

who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? why did you break up?

if you're talking about the first guy who ever had the title of "boyfriend," aaron. we were in the 7th grade and i just didn't like him like that.

do you drink coffee?

no, it's bitter as fuck and just overall gross.

what outfit makes you feel the most attractive?

you assume any outfit makes me attractive.

what do you think of people who always wear make-up?

whatever.

has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you?

i think so.

are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not?

no, i'm straight.

have you ever wanted to vlog?

no. too awkward for that shit.

who was the last person you held hands with?

ugh.

have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly?

what the fuck, no.

have you ever seen a live bat?

yeah. they're so cute.

would you ever let your child drop out of high school?

depends on the reason.

do you pronounce “aunt” like “want” or “ant”?

"ant"

would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back?

never again.

have you watched porn alone before?

i don't watch porn to begin with.

what do you think about weed?

i think it smells fucking awful more than anything.

recommend a book:

i recommend "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo more than any book on the face of the planet. the writing style is very unique and a bit hard to understand sometimes, but the meaning behind it. it increased my pacifism by a mile.

do you like to cook? or do you always prefer take out?

i can't cook. i literally burned a hot dog to where it split in half in the microwave.

are pets allowed to be on the furniture in your house?

yes. they live here.

declawing cats: for or against?

against

what theory (serious or not) has always intrigued you?

if the moon landing was fake or not. i believe it was real, but there is some seriously compelling evidence that it was a studio trick. i'd highly recommend reading about it.

do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

about some things.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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