#my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready

[mars-ipan]

overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"

#marzi speaks #this post has no point. i am simply thinking out loud #i think understanding the root of where the anxiety comes from helps a lot too #like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control #she doesn't like situations in which she can't control how she responds or what happens when she does #it makes her feel helpless. and that's how her GAD affects her #it's also why her fear response is 'fight'- she stress-cleans and expresses authority because those are things she can control #it's a self-soothing technique #but for me it's different. i'm most at ease when i know where i am and what's going on #this could be for plenty of reasons. i'm bad at directions and time blind so i feel lost easily #i had to learn to do a lot of things by myself growing up because my brother needed a bit of extra attention #my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready #or even just that i was always surrounded by so much information and i love learning with my whole heart #when i can't know what will happen next or why something's happening in the first place i get disoriented and frightened #i don't need to have a say in what will happen. i just need to know. then i can roll with the punches #this is why MY fear responses are flight and freeze #i self-isolate because i know environments like my room and my mind #other people are unpredictable. i know what i will do #i like puzzles because they're something i can learn and figure out. once i understand it's a matter of patterns #and they take my mind off of the unknown i'm worried about #my mom will engage in a lot of conflict behavior. i engage in a lot of avoidant behavior #yes this caused arguments growing up lmao. i'd be freaking out abt smth and she'd be confused as to why i wasn't just going and fixing it #or she'd be freaking out abt smth and i'd be confused as to why she didn't try to just get all the facts #but we're better communicators abt that now teehee #it's interesting though. we have the same illness (generalized anxiety disorder) and are similar in a lot of ways #but because our root fears are different our responses to them are different #this could also be learned #my mom grew up poor and didn't get to do a lot- she worked her ass off to have financial freedom #i grew up comfortable with every question i asked entertained by two very smart parents. when a question can't be answered i feel dissonant #it's probably a bit of both in some cyclical manner. still nifty to think about

[quitealotofsodapop]

Hi! It's me again :3, I don't know (and remember) if anyone has asked this before but I would like to know:

How did OG!MK feel when he found out that SW is his father in another dimension (I feel like Mei would say something like "See? I told you he was your dad" or something)

If it happens before S4, I feel like Mk would be a little jealous of his other self seeing that he doesn't have the problem of not knowing who his biological parents.

(The idea occurred to me when I remembered a tiktok that said MK used any type of editing app to get an idea of ​​what his parents would look like 🥲)

omg if you have that tiktok I'd love a link XD

Think i did do a post like that ages ago, but only with an earlier draft of TMKATI and canon. Now I have like three more verses to torment MK with >:)

When the Canon verse and the other verses collide, the quickest thing the MKs would notice is their appearances.

OG!MK: "Whoa!! These me's are monkey demons!" TMKATI!MK: "And you guys are... human???" SlowBoiled!MK: "Yeah, why wouldn't him- I mean me be?" CenturyEgg!MK: "I don't know about you guys - but my parents are monkey demons. Then again my gūtā [dad's gender neutral older sibling] is human, I think???" JTTWEgg!MK: "My parents are monkey demons! The coolest monkey demons ever I may brag." TMKATI!MK: "Oh no way! My parents are monkey demons too! i have a bunch of adopted siblings though. Does your dad work with Bóbo[dad's older brother] Pigsy too?" CenturyEgg!MK: "No cus Uncle Pigsy and Tang lives in the city. We all live on Flower Fruit Mountain - but we visit as often as possible! Uncle Sandy ferries us across all the time." :3 OG!MK: "Wow!! You two live on the mountain!? What's it like?" JTTWEgg!MK, shrugging: "It's cool." CenturyEgg!MK: "Sometimes feel pressured by my role as Heir to the Stone Throne - but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I really don't like having to visit the Celestial Realm though. The nobles are kinda mean about my dad cus he caused a bunch of havoc a long time ago." The Other MKs: "wut" OG!MK: "Uh... Please explain who your parents are?" CenturyEgg!MK, confused by their confusion: "Sun Wukong the Monkey King, and Liu'er Mihou the Sage of Wind??? I thought you guys were too???" JTTWEgg!MK: "Yeah, mine are too. I thought you guys knew??" SlowBoiled!MK: "No- well kind- it's complicated! Ok!?" TMKATI!MK: "Not me. My parents are normal monkey demons, dude." OG!MK: "Oh my gods the Monkey King *is* our dad in another universe! Mei is never gonna let me forget this!" CenturyEgg!MK: "Well techinically he's my mom too so..." The Other MKs: "lol wat?" JTTWEgg!MK: "lol same."

The different MKs collaborate to tell stories about themselves (and get a solid PSA on Stone Eggs) while their respective Meis are snapping photos with eachother.

The different monkeys watch on nervously. The different monkey kings are sitting politely as their Macaques hiss at eachother from across the room.

OG!SWK: "So uh... did you tell him yet?" Other Monkeys: "Tell him what?" SlowBoiled!SWK: "About him being made by Nuwa, or the fact that we were forced to abandon him?" The CenturyEgg and TMKATI monkeys: "What." TMKATI!SWK, laughing nervously: "What? Oh gods no. I thought you guys meant telling him who we are!" The Other Monkeys: "Wut" CenturyEgg!SWK: "Your MK doesn't know that you guys are... Us?" TMKATI!LEM: "Nah, we've sorta been off-the-grid ever since genius here [thumb-points at his SWK] got me pregnant with our MK." The Stone Egg au SWKs: "Hah!" "Uno reverse card, plums!" Stone Egg LEMs: *all three have varying looks of horror, indignance, and bashfulness* SlowBoiled!LEM: "I said I was sorry!" OG!LEM: "Wait... what do you mean by sorry?" SlowBoiled!LEM, looking uncomfortable: "Cus of our uh... fight under the Mountain, and me not returning to feed him, I sorta caused Wukong's body to create a Stone Egg... and then I sorta died before I found out so..." JTTWEgg!LEM: "Ooof. Glad I learned early then." CenturyEgg!SWK, to his SlowBoiled counterpart: "Oh bummer, you got left with Stone Egg all the way back then? I started up the process willingly after I had to seal away DBK. When was the little guy born?" SlowBoiled!SWK: "Little lady actually. Yuebei was born about six months ago. Our MK was crafted by Nuwa - then again I did raise him the first year until I became too weak to care for him..." *looks sad* TMKATI and CenturyEgg monkeys: "Oh no..." :( "Stone eggs are super dangerous to the people around them. I don't blame you." JTTWEgg!SWK: "Odd. I got an Egg from the mountain too - but mine was born shortly after I completed the Journey. And mine was our MK. Did losing Mihou make the process longer??" OG Monkeys: "What?" "How many of you have MK as your kid!?" (*Cue them having to make a Venn Diagram of Whos' MK is What to Whom*) OG!SWK: "Ok so! Mine and the guy with the super-adorbs baby got our MKs dumped on us." SlowBoiled Monkeys: *proudly showing photos of their Yuebei* OG!LEM: "The me in sweatpants had him cus of a comet /slash/ stone egg soul mishap." TMKATI!LEM: "Oh, my Wukong was still responsible there. He sealed the Harbringer's soul inside me after using a sealing spell. TMKATI!SWK: "I panicked, ok!" OG!SWK, pointing at the remaining universes: "Annnd you two literally birthed him yourselves." CenturyEgg and JttwEgg SWKs: "Yup." "Stone shell and all." OG!SWK: "...is there anything else I'm missing?" The other universes: (*scratching their chins in thought*) SlowBoiled!LEM, slyly: "So are you guys back together yet, or what?" OG Monkeys: "What!?" "As if!"

Laughter just erupts around the room as the canon shadowpeach pairing realises that they're the odd ones out as *not* being together.

Complete and utter chaos reigns when the parent and MK groups reunite, and they recognise some sort of connection...

#wukongverse #my aus #lmk aus #jttw aus #shadowpeach #the monkey king and the infant au #the monkey king and the infant #slow boiled stone egg au #jttw stone egged au #century stone egg au #sun wukong #six eared macaque #liu er mihou #qi xiaotian #lmk mk

[fnaffancontentbutmostlyglamrocks]

This is primarily aimed at Security Breach fans in particular, not FNAF fans as a whole.

You all are so damn toxic sometimes.

Even worse is that people are just being mean to Monty fans right now

"Don’t get all angry because your favorite wasn't in the game," and I don't think they get that he’s the ONLY one not to be in the game.

I hate being a fan of Monty cause we had to deal with the Glamrock Bonnie fans harassing anything to do with Monty on Tiktok or Twitter. "MONTY KILLED BONNIE!"

FOR FUCK SAKES THIS SERIES HAS A LITERAL CHILD SERIAL KILLER WHO ABUSED HIS CHILDREN! WHY IS THE ANIMATRONIC ALLIGATOR WHO MIGHT. LET ME REPEAT THAT. MIGHT HAVE KILLED ANOTHER ANIMATRONIC MET WITH THE SAME ENERGY AS SAYING SOMEONE SIMPS FOR DAHMER?

Not only that, Monty fans have been playing each game hoping Steelwool will treat him better. Expand on his character a bit more. Instead his negative personality traits and "evilness" being played up more and more cause Steelwool and Scott saw some people hate him, and thought it wasn't enough.

In Ruin there's not one moment Cassie shows any concern for him. It's that Monty thing, it hurts to look at. Than they made him just the worst off of the trio, and fucking killed him.

Now even in a game he rightfully should appear in. He's the ONLY one cut.

Monty fans get the short end of the stick.

We are harrassed by fans

Our boy is treated worse and worse each game. Physically, mentally, and even in narrative.

Now, he’s just fucking gone with little fanfare.

Its like why are you obsessed?

Honestly, because Monty speaks to me. This is mostly head canon, but based on how he acts.

I used to have really bad anger issues in elemantary and middle school. Even worse, I had to deal with a mentally abusive teacher telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. I was bullied relentlessly because they knew that when I reacted with my outburst class would be delayed. I even lived in the same neighborhood as them so I couldn't escape. It got so bad I attempted suicide. What saved me was after so long of being harrased, after so long of people only judging me based on what they heard. Never defending me. Someone finaly went to the principal and told them to look at my bullies before I reacted. Suddenly, the bullying stopped. What's sad is, it's not like I didn't try. I went to the principal and guidance counselor every dat. In the end to them I was that punk kid who would snap at any moment. Not a person.

With Monty I see someone who was like me. With anger issues because he hates himself as much as he thinks everyone hates him. I wonder if in universe he's constantly reminded he's not Bonnie. He sees fans clamoring to see Freddy while ignoring him. People always bring up the Missing message and his Arcade game to judge him. Then seemingly forget about the message that states he will skip shows to be over Monty Golf. You know the same shows he apparently killed Bonnie to appear in. What I see is someone who needs to work on his anger issues and get better, but isn't evil. They're dealing with the fact that one day their anger got the better of them, and they did something they couldn't take back. Something that I think many people with mental health problems can relate too.

My anger issues didn't just get me bullied. I was an embarrassment to my parents. I hurt people I loved. I was violent. I didn't hurt anyone, but I threw books and flipped tables. I was in this loop of feeling like everyone hated me because of my anger issues, and that only made things worse and worse. Even now I have a hard time loving myself.

That's why Monty means so much to me. I saw someone who was like me. I saw someone with anger issues but was more than that if people gave them the chance.

All I wanted was to see Monty one last time before he was retired when the new band is announced.

I couldn't even get that.

Before you make fun of me, this is what a comfort character is. I'm sure there are fans who relate to Roxy’s insecurities. Who have an eating disorder and feel for Chica. Who felt lonely and wanted attention like Sun. Who lost a loved one like Freddy.

I just wanted people to understand why this is just more than "my favorite didn't make it" for some people

I really hope Steelwool sees how much people really love Monty and not only put him in HW2 fully. They also treat him better

#fnaf security breach #fnaf #monty #security breach #fnaf sb #five nights at freddy's #fnaf monty #alligator #fnaf sb ruin #montgomery gator #glamrock chica #chica #glamrock bonnie #roxy #fnaf roxanne #roxxane wolf #glamrock freddy #daycare attendant #sun #moon #fnaf hw2 #help wanted 2

[poetrylesbian]

not to be a bummer but i need to rant about this to someone and what better someone than this blog

i am very sad lately and it is mostly because my grandpa is not well and i don't know how long he has left. a year ago i was living with him and he was pretty good, occasionally forgetful sometimes but ultimately himself. but i haven't seen him in a month or two and now ive found out he's had a lot of problems and was actually keeping it from everyone.

backstory is that this is my paternal grandfather and even though my parents got divorced 20 years ago he's always stayed close with my mum, and ever since dad moved overseas my mum has insisted on being very present in his life even more because she's lowkey pissed that dad went and moved overseas when he had sick elderly parents. which was driven home 5 years ago when my granny died. so basically my parents do not get on and barely interact now that their kids are adults but my dad's entire family still gets on with and cares about my mum and vice versa.

so yeah. a month ago my mum visited my grandpa to pick up something of mine from him place bc i was in melbourne and she was worried because he seemed to be thinner and less himself. usually he always invites her in for coffee but he didn't. it was weird.

she texted my dad (even though she hates to lol) and dad asked my grandpa and basically we found out he'd spent some time in hospital and told NOBODY, not even his son who still lives in brisbane, and gotten a pacemaker put in.

basically fast forward to now and he has been in hospital since sunday. my mum was having trouble finding out what happened bc she's obvs not the next of kin and my uncle, who is, is not a great communicator (just like most of the men in this fucking family lol) and was not super clear.

basically, he's had a few falls. the most recent one I think he fell over and hit his head. and it must have been very bad, because he is not well at all. mum and my brother and i went and visited him two days ago and it was like he had dementia. he kept thinking he was back in england. at this point we didn't know why he'd gone to hospital in the first place so we asked him and he said he got a taxi to the airport and took a plane. he asked us about our flight because he thought we had flown to england to visit him. he was worried about losing his permanent residency in australia. he also kept forgetting my granny, his wife, had died five years ago. it was horrible. he said he'd called my dad and he hadn't picked up, then he said he'd called her and she hadn't picked up. at one point when i went to find my brother who had just arrived, apparently my mum asked him if he remembered what had happened to granny and he got upset and said he didn't, and cried. i dont think any of us have ever seen him cry. my mum explained what happened and he thanked her for telling him, because his oldest son (my dad, mum's ex, we don't think he remembered his name) wouldn't have told him that. then ten minutes later he'd forgotten and mentioned granny visiting again.

he also had to ask my brother all about his apprenticeship (poor tom came straight from his job at the quarry and was covered head to toe in dust from fixing a rock crusher) even though of course he should know all about it

he's also very very weak and not eating. when he left he kept trying to stand up to see is off but he couldn't get out of his chair and we had to ask him to stop trying in case he fell again.

but he did have his sense of humour. he was making jokes. there were moments of lucidity. but mostly he was confused and it just made me feel so helpless.

i know things like this are normal when people get older. he's 82. i get it. but it's not something that happened gradually - last time i saw him was only couple of months ago and this is so bad, so suddenly. it's not dementia.

and i feel awful. he's been living alone for the last five years, after spending 7 years caring for my granny 24/7. i am certain he was depressed but he'd never tell anyone. i can't stop thinking about all the times i told him id visit on the weekend and i fucking forgot because im so fucking forgetful. i cant stop thinking about how in 2019 he and my uncle and aunt were planning to rent a house with a granny flat or whatever for him and then covid happened and they basically used that as an excuse not to. and they left him alone, even when he'd had falls, even when he had to wear one of those emergency things around his neck that could detect when he fell and he had to fucking email my uncle every day after he showered to tell him he was alright.

anyway that's my rant.

i stayed in his house for 2 months last year and it was nice but i wanted to be closer to uni and my friends so i moved out when i should have just stayed and payed him rent and helped him and kept him company. and i should have visited way more often after i moved out in december and not fucking let my stupid stress get in the way of making him a priority.

oh also now my mum is telling me i need to beg my dad to visit earlier (he's supposed to be here dec 27) but i don't know! i tried to tell him how bad it was. but i don't know if he really got it.

#this can be summed up by my grandpa is not well and i am sad and guilty about it

[karrenseely]

Emotional Regulation

So I have CPTSD. Everything I've read mostly points to this being a lifelong condition (yay :P) that is incredibly difficult for all of us whom suffer from it. I know it has been for me. I honestly don't know if I'd have developed it if my parents had been loving, supportive, and understanding like they should have. Because, even if they had been, I would still have likely had many many years of gas lighting from society, them, and my extended family to be a gender other than what I was. And that takes its toll on anyone's psyche.

But who knows, maybe if they'd been really supportive, then I wouldn't have had years of thinking I was crazy or shameful, maybe I would have transitioned really young as soon as I could tell them they were wrong. Then all I'd have to deal with is some body dysphoria. But then even that can take its toll as well. So I really couldn't say if I was destined to have this incredibly difficult mental health condition or not.

Either way, I really wish I'd had the loving supportive family every child deserves. I really wish I didn't find my psyche shattering as I grew up, getting stuck repeatedly at every traumatic event that I can remember, and actively forgetting everything I couldn't along with most of my other memories. Such that now, my memories consist of shattered disorganized shards scattered over the floor, most of those shards long since missing. It's really difficult to live when all you really have is now.

People talk about their childhoods like there's this linear well established timeline in their memories. It was a long time before I realized this was the typical way people remember their past. That for most people, they can remember approximately when such a memory occurred, in sequence with another. Even now, this is so foreign to me. I remember things in disjointed pieces, any one memory is not connected to any other. And few, if any, are connected to a specific time that I can locate.

Then there is the ability to remember what you did yesterday, or last week, or even last month in day to day life. That it's hard to know what's happened and what's been done recently. This was particularly bad when I was dissociating all the time, fortunately, therapy has helped with that part, and I don't do it as much and I can remember more of my day to day life. But even now, there are still significant holes in my memories of adult life. And admittedly as I struggle through my current flare of CPTSD symptoms, I sometimes wish I could dissociate like I used to so that I don't have to feel all of this horrible stuff. It hurts like hell.

If someone created the universe, they must be one of the most sadistic assholes to have ever existed, making it so healing is so effing painful, much less making thinking feeling beings feed off of one another.

In this journey of trying to heal, I've encountered many people talking about how, when we were abused as children we didn't develop our emotional regulation skills like normal loved, unabused kids do. I always found these comments or suppositions confusing. In large part due to the fact that I don't really understand what emotional regulation means. As a child, trying to survive, the only thing that worked, that made things even remotely bearable was dampening down on emotions until I didn't feel hardly anything at all. I wasn't particularly good at this, I still had feelings but they were distorted hazy half hearted things that would escape out, usually as anger, irritability, sadness, often fear, sometimes even joy would get out. But none were fully formed, or fully embraced, because if I did, then the pain would be in full force, the shame, the horror I constantly felt at what I was going through. So I did my best to damp down my emotions to almost nothing, and dissociate as much as I could so that I didn't have to feel or atleast remember feeling all those horrible things I felt. And the plus side to dissociation is that you truly only live in the moment. You can forget so much that way. You can ride the bus to school, but not remember any of it, just one moment you're at home and the next, poof, you're at school, and the next, poof, it's time to go home again and get on the bus, and poof the next you're at home again... you get the idea.

Emotions when all of the above were unsuccessful and I felt them anyway, usually it was the really really bad ones. And they were felt at 120% full blast. It was either 10 mph, or 120 mph. No inbetween. But people who talk about the ability to regulate emotions describe it as having inbetweens. Not having to feel the full blast, but not suppressing it completely either.

For the longest time when I encountered that phrase around emotional regulation, my mind just skittered past it, as it didn't make any sense to me. But I found myself thinking about it a couple months ago. And some kind fellow people with CPTSD pointed me to links that helped to explain the concept... except, those links were mostly just confusing. And unfortunately, my brain interpreted them as, "you are deficient, you're inability to regulate is your fault." Which didn't help. I honestly don't know if those explanations actually implied that, but it's what it felt like. Maybe because I didn't understand what they were saying.

Then... recently I returned to work, full time. And an interesting, if sucky, thing happened. I was fine at work, I could joke, I could laugh and have fun with coworkers and feel empathy for my patients and basically function somewhat like a typical human being in what I imagine is a healthy fashion. But as soon as I left work and went home, I had no energy left to keep the intrusive memories and emotions in check. And I would immediately start to crash. Spiraling down the rabbit hole of all those horrible memories. Nothing had specifically triggered them, it's just I ran out of spoons and they took over. I'd used up all my spoons at work.

Obviously, I'd overestimated my ability to return to full time work, but also it felt like there was an insight here. And it came down to my emotional bandwidth. If I had enough emotional energy, enough spoons, then minor triggers that normally would have lead me back down that lovely negative spiral, wouldn't actually set me off, and I could continue to function. And this was the neat part, I could continue to function without having all my walls slam down and turn everything numb. But, if I run out of that energy, if I run out of those spoons, then any little thing can set me down that self destructive spiral.

And the more I've thought about this, the more I think this is what people mean when they talk about emotional regulation. That most people have a large fount of this emotional energy to buffer against the extremes. And thus can handle day to day joys, stresses and hurtful things without completely falling apart. If this is the case then I guess I've developed some emotional regulation after all, though it's limited.

But why is it so limited? Why didn't I have any before? And the more I look at it. I see it in terms of bandwidth, energy, and/or spoons. Before, when I was having to live in survival mode, all of my emotional energy was being used to just survive. I was constantly in fight or flight. There was no energy to spare for nuance. My bandwidth was incredibly limited because so much of it was taken up with just surviving from one day to the next, with constant vigilance. But when we are no longer in those situations, and just as importantly, when we are not constantly flashing back to those situations, we start to have that bandwidth become available for the nuance. We can start feeling things in between because we have the energy to do so. It's no longer entirely about survive or die.

And that's the worst part about flashbacks. Even though I'm no longer in that constant life or death situation, those flashbacks have me believing I am. And contrary to popular media's depiction of flashbacks, most of the time it's not getting stuck in a living visual memory of an event. No, the vast majority of those flashbacks are emotional flashbacks. Getting stuck in the feelings of the event, the feelings I couldn't suppress anymore, the constant feeling of being in danger, of having my life, my very existence threatened, which brings on the constant sense of danger, of fight or flight. Which means, no emotional energy for anything else, except the extremes. Everything in my life currently can be perfectly fine, safe, wonderful even. But if I'm stuck in an emotional flashback, none of the current circumstances matter, because I'm emotionally back in survival mode, feeling constantly threatened, trying to survive, trying to decide if I need to fight or run. And if I'm stuck there... then there isn't any emotional energy left for anything else.

The really effing sucky part, is that often I don't know I'm in an emotional flashback until after it's gone away, and I can see looking back that how I was feeling didn't fit at all with what was actually happening at the time. I reacted to an outside observer in a rather extreme, or worse in a completely irrational manner. But then when I'm in the middle of it, I guess it's understandable that I have a hard time recognizing it, as all my energy is directed towards surviving, towards keeping the pain and my fears at bay.

So maybe emotional regulation is just having enough emotional energy to filter the experiences you're having into a much more nuanced pattern, rather than having to sort things into binary extremes of bad, not bad. And if that's the case, then maybe, just maybe, I am healing, because I'm starting to free up some of my bandwidth to start sorting out the nuances... even if I can't quite identify what those nuances are yet.

#trans #transgender #lgbt+ #lgbtqia #lgbt #trans kids #childhood trauma #complex ptsd #trauma #family #Emotional regulation #mental health #coping #emotional flashbacks #flashbacks #emotional energy #emotional bandwidth #lgbtqia+ #queer

[akiizayoi4869]

Azula and Ursa: A Complicated Mother-Daughter Relationship

I've been meaning to do this one for a while now but kept on forgetting to do so. The relationship between these two is one that has always interested me because there is so much to it. Unfortunately though the writers have no interest in diving deeper into it because Azula isn't Zuko. It's a shame that they don't explore it further because this right here?

That is a whole lot to unpack. I really hope that these two can reconcile one day (seriously writers just do it already!) because Azula deserves to have a relationship with her mother. Ursa needs to own up to the fact that she wasn't a very good mother to Azula and make up for that. In this meta I will be explaining why Ursa wasn't a good mother to Azula.

Ursa failed to realize why Azula would act out

We all know that little kids do stupid stuff, right? It's a part of growing up. All of us were kids at one point, we all did stuff that we can look back on and think "Wow, that was pretty dumb. Why did I do that?" Sometimes we may have acted out in a way because we wanted attention from our parents or whoever our guardians were because we weren't getting enough attention. These actions could sometimes lead to a negative response from our parents, but that was fine because at least we had their attention.

In that scene in The Search where Azula burns that flower in the garden when she was walking behind Ursa and Zuko, that is exactly why she did it.

In the first panel we see Azula trailing behind Ursa and Zuko as they seem to be enjoying the conversation that they were having. Ursa was giving her full attention to Zuko and wasn't paying Azula any mind at all. So what does Azula do? She burns the first thing that she sees, which is a flower. Now going by what she did to Zuko, she didn't want him to say anything and most likely wanted Ursa to notice it on her own. Either way she got the desired result: Ursa was now taking notice of her. Yes, it was negative attention but it didn't matter. What did matter was that Azula was finally being seen by her mother. Even if it was only for a few short minutes. Ursa then shouts at Azula and tells her to go to her room, and then immediately her focus is back on Zuko.

Now, I don't necessarily blame Ursa for this, not at all. She was making sure that Zuko was ok since Azula just gave him a little burn. However, she failed to realize why Azula acted out that way. And no, Azula burning that flower doesn't mean that she is a sociopath. Keep in mind that this is the FIRE NATION, where people have magical fire powers. Azula was 8 or 9 years old here. What do you expect a kid who is that age with fire powers to do? What would you have done at that age with fire powers?

Ursa only scolded Azula but did not explain why what she was doing was wrong

Now this was something that I honestly found to be odd about Ursa's approach to parenting when I noticed it. If a child does something wrong, it's the parents job to tell them to stop and to explain why whatever it was that they did was wrong, and to not do it again. Now, Ursa does do this. But only with Zuko.

In this scene, Zuko throws a loaf of bread at the turtle ducks. Ursa is shocked at this and gently scolds him. However, she also explained to him why it was wrong. He more than likely did not do it again after this incident.

When Azula burns the flower and then gives Zuko a little burn, all she does is shout at Azula and tells her to go to her room and think about what she did. I really shouldn't need to explain why this is bad parenting right here. And this is what I find to be odd about Ursa's approach to discipline. In my experience as the youngest child, whenever I did something wrong, my parents would scold me obviously, and depending on how bad whatever I did was, I would get hit. However, they never failed to explain why what I did was wrong. By explaining it to me it ensured that I wouldn't do it again. It's assumed that the youngest child often needs things explained to them more than the oldest child since they are younger and don't understand things like the oldest child does. Not to say that the eldest one shouldn't get things explained to them, because they absolutely should. My parents did the same thing with my sister. Seeing as Azula is the youngest child, it's baffling that Ursa never seemed to do that with her.

I have no doubts that this looked a certain type of way to Azula and made her think that something was wrong with her. "Why is she only like that with Zuko? Why is it that whenever he gets into trouble, she's always gentle with him and explains why whatever he did was wrong? What makes him so special? What's so different about me that she can't do the same thing?" These were the thoughts that no doubt ran through her mind, and she most likely felt disconnected from her mother.

Ursa did not try hard enough to connect with Azula

Now before anyone goes "Azula was always with Ozai! He wouldn't let her be around her mother at all because he wanted Azula to train constantly!" I just want to say this: that's a load of shit. That man was not around her 24/7. He was a prince, I'm pretty sure that he had plenty of responsibilities to fulfill, none of which included his children. Azula also wasn't constantly training, there is literally proof in canon that says otherwise. Ursa could have spent time with Azula. And yet we don't get the sense that she did. She was always with Zuko. Which, to a certain point, is perfectly understandable. Ozai did not give Zuko the time of day and treated him like dirt because his firebending didn't reach his expectations. So Ursa wanted to make sure that Zuko knew that he was loved by one of his parents. Which is completely fine. What isn't fine though is how she pretty much neglected Azula. And I get that her situation was hard because she was in a abusive marriage with a man who was also abusive to his kids. But she still could have put in the extra effort for her daughter. She sure did for Zuko. It's obvious that she saw Azula as a difficult child, and thus leaned more towards Zuko, who was easier for her to deal with. I'm sure that she could have found something to bond with Azula. Asking your kids what their interests are can go a long way.

So in conclusion, I don't think that Ursa was a good mom to Azula. Her situation made it difficult, but she could have done more. This doesn't mean that Ursa can't do anything to make up for this though. Azula is only, what, 15? 16? She's still a kid. Ursa has all the time in the world to make up for her mistakes with her daughter. She just needs to put in the effort and realize where she fucked up at with Azula. Of course this all comes down to whether or not the writers ever actually let these two reconcile at some point. I really hope that they do, because I refuse to accept this as an end to they're relationship:

#atla #azula #ursa #complicated mother daughter relationship #akiizayoi4869 meta

[kindred-sims]

Henry had been walking home from school the day he met her again.

Carrie had gone to visit with Genie for a while, asking that he let their parents know where she was as soon as he got back. He'd agreed, although he hadn't been in much of a hurry to return. Papa had been giving him so many chores lately, which really hadn't been leaving him with much reading time, and Mama had her hands full with Louisa and the new baby to even spare him a second glance.

That wasn't to say Henry was at all annoyed with his parents. On the contrary, he still loved them very much. But sometimes even ten year old boys needed their own space, and he just couldn't find that at home these days.

For that, Henry decided he would take his time, and chose the long route back to his family's farm, relishing in the scenery and reciting some of his favorite lines from his poetry book as he went.

"Stop it, please! Go away!"

Glancing ahead, Henry was startled to find none other than Dennis Gale in all his bullying glory, almost wanting to tuck tail and run the other way.

Until he spotted her. Millicent. That girl from town, the one with the pretty hat and long blonde hair.

And Dennis seemed to be picking on her!

Any fear he'd felt was replaced by a simmering anger, and before he could talk himself out of it, he'd ran up to the two of them, as Dennis laughed meanly, nearly shoving the poor girl into the dirt.

"Dennis, leave her alone!" he'd cried, fists balled up as tight as they could go. Dennis spared Henry a passive glance, snorting loudly.

"Or what? What exactly do you plan on doing?" he teased. "You're still half my size, Four Eyes, I could knock you down right now if wanted to."

"Yeah? So could my sister," Henry reminded him. "If it's a fight you're looking for, I can always just go find her, tell her what you said."

"Heh, you really think I'm still scared of her? That fight was a long time ago--"

"How come you still avoid her at recess then?"

Dennis flushed deeply, arms crossing.

"Forget it, you ain't worth it. Neither of you," he huffed. "I've gotta get home anyway."

With that, he turned and stomped off, both children watching as he went. Soon as he was out of sight, the girl -- Millicent, turned to Henry, amazement all over her face.

"My goodness, that was so brave of you!" she gasped. "Didn't he frighten you at all?"

"Aw, nah. Not really..." Henry felt his face heat up, just as it had that first time. "I mean, Dennis is a jerk, nobody should have to deal with him by themselves. It wouldn't have been fair to just leave you with him."

"That's so kind of you, truly. How can I ever thank you?"

"Oh...you don't have to--"

"Oh but I must! Mother always says that it is the proper thing to do, after all," she insisted. "I know! Why don't you walk back home with me? We can have tea and cookies, if you'd like!"

Tea and cookies certainly sounded tempting to Henry, and he was almost ready to accept until he remembered his folks were expecting him home soon, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause them any concern.

Even if he wasn't in a hurry to get back to his chores...

So much as it pained him, he politely refused Millicent's offer, but since it was on the way, asked if he could still walk her home.

"Just in case Dennis shows back up, you never know," he'd said.

Millicent happily accepted.

Since her house was just up the hill, it wasn't that long of a walk, but just long enough for formal introductions to be made. A short ways into their conversation, Millicent soon recalled their brief meeting in town a while back, much to Henry's surprise.

He hadn't thought she'd have remembered.

When they'd arrived at the house, Henry was immediately taken aback by its grandeur, staring up at it in awe for about a minute before running to catch up with Millicent. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen anything so big and lavish before, least not up close! The most he'd seen of it were glances, when he'd walk to and from school with Carrie. They'd always used to wonder if anyone lived there, and Carrie had surmised that it was probably haunted.

Judging by the fact that Millicent apparently lived here, that didn't seem to be the case at all.

"Well, here we are," Millicent announced, stopping at the front door. "It was very nice meeting you again, Henry, and properly this time!"

"Likewise! You're good company, Millicent."

"As are you! I'm only sorry you have to go so soon, are you sure you can't stay long enough just for a cookie?"

"Sorry, I don't think my Mama would appreciate me spoiling my dinner," Henry laughed. "But...maybe..."

"Maybe?"

"Maybe...I could always stop by after school sometime, you know, for the tea and cookies. If that's still an offer..."

The smile Millie gave him in return was just as shy as his voice, and there was just the slightest hint of pink in her cheeks.

"It very much is, yes."

#sims 4 #ts4 #ts4 history #ts4 historical #decades challenge #wakefield legacy #1890s

[itsjaywalkers]

hi laurie <3 how is your health? do you feel better?

there’s another big discourse about regulus character, what is ooc for him, what is not, was he right, did he deserve redemption or did he deserve to die as villain. you know, same old conversation, but it made me curious about your vision of his character! how do you view him in canon? do you think he was more morally dark than grey or more grey than dark? tell me everything please <3

hi lovely!! my health's fine, i'm completely recovered!! it was a tough week but i survived that stupid chest infection

oooooh u know i don't care about discourse but i love how u just brought it up to . turn it into a nice lil debate and ask about my portrayal of a character <333

we obviously don't get a lot about reg in canon but i think we get enough!! a couple of what could be core traits (since what we learn of him is all from sirius pov who's . quite biased) and some of his backstory!! so yes, he's kind of a blank slate of a character, which is incredibly fun when it comes to fanfiction but also . i truly believe there's a foundation here, even if a tiny unstable one yk??

anyways, to me, regulus is quite morally grey, but i don't think . he's more dark or more grey . the lovely kat (@messrsage) wrote a very interesting post about this a while ago, they talked about how the black brothers are both morally grey, and that sirius isn't more good or regulus more bad. they move up and down the spectrum, depending on who they keep as friends, on what influences them and their environment. i think the word kat used was morally fluid?? or something along those lines. and i absolutely agree!!

i don't believe sirius was better or inherently good. i just think that they had different responses for the same trauma. that they surrounded themselves by very different kinds of ppl. neither of them is in the right or in the wrong, yk?? they're both victims!! regulus thought that . obeying and listening to their parents and doing what he was told was the best course of action and there's nothing wrong with that

sirius implies that reg wasn't . capable of thinking on his own . that he was 'soft enough to believe them' (referring to their parents) which has always made me think that . despite reg definitely believing in blood supremacy and all that bullshit, at least for a while, it wasn't because he rationalised the whole thing all by himself and thought it was True and Right and Genuine, but that walburga and orion said this was how the world worked and he didn't think of questioning it. sirius did and look where that got him, right?? and besides, those are his parents, and despite how strict and cruel they can be sometimes, they love him, regulus knows they do, so why would they lie. i think he was comfortable, in a way, in the life that his parents made for him, and if not fighting back and agreeing with everything also stopped the abuse then even better

it's like the death eater thing. i'm sure his family had a lot to do with it!! and sure, it was also implied that reg had this weird nerdy fixation with voldemort, but i don't think that means . he was bad . voldemort was such a powerful wizard, and his family, or at least part of it, supported him and chose to follow him, so why wouldn't he find him interesting?? or even worthy of admiration?? he ended up betraying him and sacrificing himself the moment he realised what voldemort actually intended to do. besides, he was a fucking kid. people tend to forget that he was literally 16 when he joined the death eaters. and idk about u, but i was a fucking idiot at 16. not awful or anything, ofc, but i still did and said a lot of shit i'm not proud of, simply bc i didn't know better. but the thing is that i wasn't expected to!! bc again, i was just a kid!! doesn't excuse any of my mistakes, but i do think it's a fact that u gotta take into account when u try to judge someone

i think regulus wasn't a hero, but he wasn't a villain either. i think he was a terrified boy trying to survive. trying to make his family proud. and by the time he finally realised his mistake, it was too late. he still tried to fix his shit, and i think that matters. does that make him a good person?? nah, not really. but i think it makes him human

on a more surface level, my regulus is . proud . stubborn . spoiled . posh . mean in a non-targeted way, it's never personal to him (or not usually) and he's not trying to hurt anyone, it's just . a defence mechanism?? part of his personality, in a way. he isn't trying to be cruel on purpose. i think he's also a curious person, but it's a part of him he tends to ignore or supress, bc his parents don't like it. i think he's a follower and that he hates being the centre of attention, but at the same time, he's jealous of the way sirius seems to have everyone's eyes on him when he enters a room. he can be petty and resentful, but he's also shy and quiet and so very soft. it's a side of him that not a lot of ppl get to see, bc it's weak, but it's very much there, and i think that's the regulus that sirius knew most of his life. the regulus that he knew (or at least wanted to believe) was still there, which probably make him speak of him in such a . gentle way?? like yes, he called him an idiot but he has no qualms about cursing the rest of his family out, and he's pretty mean to all of them (with good reason) except andromeda and regulus. to me, that means he still loved his brother, and if sirius is still capable of . caring about regulus, at least to a certain degree, without even knowing about his change of heart . well . he couldn't have been that awful

there's also quite the debate about the kreacher thing, and whether reg was actually kind-hearted enough to believe and defend elves' rights or if it was simply the fact that it was kreacher, his house elf, and nothing else. personally, i don't think it matters that much. whatever his reason was, he still decided to betray voldermort over it, and tried to do the right thing, even tho the risk was High and he didn't know if he'd make it. that's what i believe says more about his character than what his exact tipping point was

and god i'm gonna shut up now, this turned out to be so ridiculously long i just . find regulus so interesting SORRY NONNIE😭

#asks #anons #regulus black

[invisibleraven]

Fuck you, I’m a delight. / Peterpatter

Luke scowled as the phone ringing brought him out of the song writing groove he had found himself lost in for the past few minutes. But it was the landline-the one he and Reggie had put in half for nostalgia, and mostly for emergencies. It only rang when something was wrong, and with Reggie out, Luke knew he had t be the one to get it.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Peterson?" Luke froze at that. When he and Reggie got married they decided to mash up their last names for when they had kids, and it was that name the school used when calling. "I'm calling about Shania."

"Is she okay?" Luke asked, fear seizing him. Shania went to a good private school, but it was still a school in America, and God knew that they were hot beds for any number of disasters.

"She and another student got into an altercation," the teacher replied. "I was wondering if you and your partner could come down so we could all discuss it."

Luke glanced at the clock, Reggie was due back in a few minutes, so he nodded, forgetting the woman couldn't see him, then finally replied they would be there in half an hour.

Reggie walked in the door just as Luke hung up the phone and his expression immediately turned serious when he saw it. "Is Shi okay?"

"I think she got into a fight," Luke explained, rushing to tidy his appearance somewhat while Reggie scrambled to put the few groceries away and put on a more respectable outfit. Neither of them dressed up, and did little to hide their identities other than hoods up and sunglasses. They weren't the only famous parents at the school, but they still sometimes got swarmed.

"You should let me do the talking, I'm better with people," Reggie said as they pulled up.

"Fuck you, I'm a delight," Luke responded.

"Not saying you aren't babe, but the last time we did this you offended Ms. Bowen so bad we had to donate a new set of recorders to smooth things over," Reggie reminded him.

"Ugh, I hate those things and I still stand firm that they don't make real music," Luke grumbled.

Reggie patted his shoulder in a placating manner. "I know, but we don't need the bad press, and if Shania is in trouble, we don't want to make things worse."

"Fine," Luke replied, rolling his eyes.

They found Shania sitting outside the principal's office, holding an ice pack to her face, looking annoyed, while a much bigger and older boy glared at her from a chair across the hall, his parents standing behind him, fusing over his bloody nose and mussed clothing.

"Shania," Reggie cried, rushing over, easing the ice pack away and hissing at the nasty bruise. "What happened baby girl?"

"Bernard made fun of Maggie," Shania said matter of factly. "So I did what you told me to do with bullies, and stood up for my friend. He hit me, so I hit back. That's what Mr. Owens walked in on. Mags is in there now trying to tell her side."

"Your poor face," Reggie cooed, kissing her forehead, and whispering to her "Proud of you."

"Good on you for looking out for your friend sweet pea," Luke said, offering her a fist to bump. "You're gonna have a sick mark though."

"Good thing we're past picture day," Shania replied wryfully, shooting them her signature grin-all Reggie, through and through.

"Is Kurt still in class?" Reggie asked.

"Yeah, he only went back there because Mr. Owens wouldn't let him sit with me," Shania replied. "He already gave me a high five."

Luke laughed, that sounded just like their son. He wondered if he could go sign him out now or if h was better off waiting until after this nonsense was dealt with.

Maggie Banks came out of the office a moment later, rushing over to hug Shania, assuring her she had told Principal Fuentes everything. Assuring Luke and Reggie she was okay, and skipped off to class, promising she was going to come by later with cookies. Luke hoped they were Janie's famous peanut butter ones, those were to die for.

The meeting was an uncomfortable one, with Bernard's parents insisting he was the victim, Shania repeating the story Maggie had told and confessing this wasn't the first time the boy had picked on her friend. Reggie was stern, insisting that Shania not be punished if the school wasn't enforcing their anti-bullying policy.

"She still struck a child," the principal said, massaging his temples.

"After he blackened her eye!" Luke protested, noting that Reggie wasn't holding him back. "He's nine, and she's six-barely six at that. He's bigger and stronger, and should know better."

The principal sighed. "Irregardless, they both need some sort of consequences for physical violence. Shania will serve detention the rest of this week during recess in the library."

"And Bernard?' his parents asked.

"One day suspension and detention for two weeks. The Petersons are right-he started it, and is far larger and older, he knows not to hurt the other children."

"We can live with that," Reggie said, standing up, thanking the principal for his time and steering them away while the other parents started getting up in arms. Luke didn't even care that Shania turned and stuck her tongue out at the boy as they exited.

"Let's go get Kurt and have ice cream," he declared.

"You mean I'm not in trouble?" Shania asked.

"Oh you are," Reggie replied. "No sucker punching people in future young lady."

"But we're still proud of you for helping Maggie, so you can have ice cream while we think of a punishment," Luke added.

Later, the kids tucked in, the two of them slumped together on the couch. "Ooof what a day," Reggie sighed, turning and kissing the underside of Luke's jaw. "Thanks for being your delightful self when dealing with that nonsense today."

"Oh baby, you ain't yet gotten me delighting you," Luke said with a waggle of his eyebrows before pushing a giggling Reggie down to the couch cushions and doing just that.

#filled prompts #ficlet #ruke #peterpatter #julie and the phantoms

[flyonthewallmedstudent]

In what finding your passion looks like in medicine. maybe.

I work in IM.

Where most of the time it's a desk job. 80% of my patients can't realy communicate. My notes are often, "pleasantly confused" or agitated.

Plans are "collateral history" which means, call their fam on a phone. At my desk. then taking notes on a computer. ordering labs. ordering imaging. making a referral also consists of logging it in a computer, then making a phone call.

I enjoy my job, but it never makes for great television. There is literally a reality show being filmed in my hospital. And they're never interested in filming anything my dept does. I mean, I wouldn't watch what I do on television. My medical students I'm sure are confused by this job. The new ones anyway. Most of the job is sitting at a computer and looking at numbers. Unless they're really sick, in which case that becomes a code or a terrible conversation with families.

When I try do regular people stuff, like taking calls from I don't know, someone trying to sell me something or offer a service, while I'm at a code, in resus or giving a family bad news. I literally don't know what to say sometimes. The other side will ask, is this a bad time almost out of courtesy - and literally it is a terrible time. So, no I cannot actually carry on a 30 second conversation about an upgrade to my mobile plan while my patient is dying and the fam are here. I know they're doing a job. Not like they realize how extreme my job can be. It becomes a very surreal moment in my life. Or worse, I can't really tell my kids at the age they are, why I'm late to pick them up because literally someone's dying.

In the reverse situation. My junior coworkers freak out about waking up family in the middle of the night sometimes for their patients. I have to tell them, this is a 'new' normal, when your loved one is in hospital you'll want that middle of the night update no matter what, just call and wake them. We work in an abnormal situation all the time.

So when it's bad it's bad. When it's mundane, it's really mundane.

Anyway. Watching youtube/netflix on what the average person makes on the job etc. and what they do. I.e. on Mr Beast, an archeologist makes 100k a year to look at bones outside (sounds amazing by the way).

I think about what I make.

Actually most days I don't even think about it. I go to work. it's busy. Shit happens. It's an adrenaline rush. I go home to my kids, it's busy. After it all winds down I'm vegging in front of youtube again.

what's in a job anyway. if it's about the money, clearly i picked the wrong direction multiple times. I don't know how to describe the intensity of it sometimes.

The time I've left to myself is really used to relax after the highs and lows of work and life with kids.

Or worse. Time left is used to try to forget some of the intense moments that happen. Whether a bad outcome or a conflict with someone at work. Or not getting to the meaningful diagnosis or management issue in time, IM is a constant puzzle and some cases are challenging (these moments make you feel dumb and perpetuates imposter syndrome). It's a lot to take it. In some ways, "you get used to it." Which is the most over used phrase ever. How to to normalize things over time. Other times it's working on getting past it

It's pretty consuming job. When you enjoy something and it gives you meaning. Most of the time anyway. Slowing down to find balance is the hard part. We're not built to be machines that just go to work. You can make a lot of money in medicine if you tried, but you won't have energy or time to spend it. People go big when it comes to vacations now or honeymoons if they can take it. Because sometimes all you can do is take the day off to attend your own wedding. For parents who are not the primary caregiver, often all you get is 1-2 weeks off. Is it really worth any money? lol what's the value. I know a cardiologist who works too much cause they have 4 kids and childcare is expensive. But they love that job.

Is it a job? or a strange addiction.

#medblr #medlife

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

I Will never Forget He Never Did Either....

TRIGGER Warnings: death of a parent mentioned grieving sadness other than that angst and fluff and cake. Pick your Chris (pay attention to the cutie above)COMMENTS &REBLOGS WELCOME do not post or republish or translate anywhere

It seemed like everyone forgot, including my dad who ignored the day ...everyone...everyone except Chris.

Sure I never marked it on Facebook or social anymore it hurt too much (I dont care about social anymore anyway im never in it) but still... to have my dad pretend like it wasn't anything was heartbreaking seeing everyone forget wondering if that always how or if sometimes its not.

But it didnt change the fact that like I said everyone seemed to forget....everyone except Chris. He didn't say anything to me or text when he was away on this take hed never call or text about it but he was extra sweet. Extra caring.

To be honest I thought he forgot just like everyone else does a year so after someone looses someone. Thier birth stories are forgotten thier births are forgotten. But today Chris was extra sweet we both knew new why he was so cuddly in between shooting scene pulling me in his arms.

"Thank you."

I muttered one time in between shoots. He shook his head.

"You never have to thank me."

He was done shooting at a decent time. We got some takeout and went back to his place. I dont know how that man could be so sneaky but he could. He had a cake and we, well he cut two slices one for him and one for me I assumed, but we only took one out of the cake that we were sharing playing war with with our forks and I dont know how he did it or when but I suddenly saw the candle was lit. He silently got up and opened the window in the room. It was on the otberside, but still it was a nice night still and there isn't eally any breeze just a perfect light coolness. In the air but no breeze at all.

"Do you like the cake?"

"Mhm," I said putting some in my mouth.

" I wasn't sure what to get."

" To be honest I wouldn't either. I think my mom always got whatever she thought I'd like. She always put me first for everything."

"Well she raised an amazing daughter."

I couldnt help the tears that came to my eyes.

"And I bet you she always knew, and is so proud"

He bumped my shoulder playfully to try and get me to smile

"I wish I could've met her."

"Me too."

"But I know she is proud of you and I'd tell her I'd take the best care of her daughter I possibly could and how much I love you. Did she ever say if she liked my movies or no?"

"You know I dont know. One movie ai thought you were such an ass. She did say that I learn to love chest hair on men."

"Oh yeah? Is there a verdict?"

"I love you how you are."

"What a coincidence I love you too." He was leaning into kiss me (so was I to be honest) when there was a sudden woosh we looked up both of us confused. Then he put a smile on.

"I guess someone approves of us."

He was leaning into kiss me(so was I to be honest) when there was a sudden woosh we looked up both of us confused. Then he put a smile on. "I guess someone approves of us."

P.O.V. change

Chris wondered if the person or thing that blew out the candle on a still night knew about the engagement ring he was hiding on his sock drawer.... and if that was thier permission to him...

Taglist

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @hawkeyes-queen @sparklybarbarianninja @patzammit

#avengers #chris evans #steve rogers #chris evans x plus size reader #ransom drysdale #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson x female reader #steve rogers fanfiction #chris evans characters #chris evans comfort #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fanfiction #chris hemsworth #chris pratt #chris pine #kinktober #flufftober #steve rogers imagine #chrishemsworth x reader #chris evans angst

[francis-writes]

The Corinthian x reader with borderline

Just some self-indulgent stuff because times are tough and I need comfort

You told him about your personality disorder at the beginning of your relationship because you wanted him to know what he's getting into and to understand better some of your moods and behaviours. Honestly, you were hesitating if you should tell him - you were scared that Corinthian will leave you once he will know about all yout problems but to your relief, he didn't just stay with you - he turned out to be a very supportive boyfriend.

He doesn't mind if his partner has a personality disorder or mental illness, even those that society views as "dangerous" or "worse" - after all, who can understand better than him that we can't choose who we were born as or what our parents gave us?

He tries to reply fast to your messages (if he's not currently busy with idk murdering someone) so you don't stress over the lack of answer

(Idk about you but when my favourite person doesn't reply quickly, I become incredibly paranoid like omg they must hate me)

He doesn't mind repeating you for another time that they love you and you are important to them whenever you need a confirmation of their feelings. Corinthian doesn't stop on his words - he actually proves you everyday with his actions that his affection is real and strong.

He doesn't let these awful voices in your head insult you, Corinthian comforts you when you're feeling terrible and hate yourself and he reminds you about all amazing things he loves in you (when it comes to physical traits, he's ready to kiss all the things you consider your "flaws" and he finds them turning him on)

Reminds you about taking your medicine (if you're like me and almost everyday wonder why you feel like shit until you realize you again forgot about meds) and forces you you to take care of yourself: eat regular and healthy meals (he can take you to a bar or cook for you if you aren't able to make yourself food), drink water and have enough sleep.

If you're hypersexual, it just fits him perfectly, because as we all saw, Corinthian loves to taste people in every possible way.

I can't tell if he can stop you from making impulsive decisions - considering fact that he's a serial killer, he may not be a specialist in matters of safety and responsible behaviour. But he protected Jed from serial killers so lets say he's aware where lies the border of accectable actions and he doesn't let you cross it.

Corinthian can't be with you all the time but he takes you on his trips so you don't have to separate for long when he's looking for a new victims.

If he isn't out, murdering someone, he will eagerly lay in bed with you and watch some movies or reality shows to relax. Or - depending on how you're feeling - he can go to club with you. He likes to party and has an undeniable charm. Corinthian knows what impression he makes on people but it's only you that counts for him and he doesn't let you forget that.

If you're drinking, he makes sure you won't do anything risky and he helps you safely come home.

Corinthian sometimes stop you when you're buying too much unnecesary things, but more often he just pays for your shopping. He has a lot of money so why wouldn't he spoil you?

When you have su*cide thoughts, Corinthian stays by your side and tells you that right now, you're tired, and you want to end it all and just feel nothing but he promises you, it will get better, there will come better days - and actually whatever happens, he will stay by your side

#The Corinthian #Corinthian x reader #corinthian x you #corinthian sandman #the sandman #The Corinthian x reader #sandman imagine #The Corinthian imagine #Borderline reader #the corinthian headcanons

[jazzy---j]

Daughter of Poseidon: The Lightning Thief

“even the gods have to bow to fate”

Chapter Summary: A simple game of deadly capture the flag turns into the worst day of Cassie's life.

Masterlist >>> Read on ao3 (8/23)

We Capture A Flag

Believe it or not, the next few days were normal. Normal in the sense that I settled into a routine, not the getting lessons from satyrs, nymphs, and a centaur.

Each morning Percy and I took Ancient Greek from Annabeth, and we talked about the gods and goddesses in the present tense, which was kind of weird. Annabeth was right about our dyslexia: Ancient Greek wasn't that hard for me to read. At least, no harder than English. After a couple of mornings, even Percy could stumble through a few lines of Homer without too much headache.

The rest of the day, we'd both rotate through outdoor activities, looking for something to be good at. Chiron tried to teach us archery, but we found out pretty quickly that we weren't any good with a bow and arrow. He didn't complain, even when he had to de-snag a stray arrow out of his tail.

Foot racing? Not good either. The wood-nymph instructors and Hermes kids left us in the dust.  And wrestling? Forget it. Despite my protests, Percy wouldn't let me go anywhere near the mat with Clarisse. I was left watching from the sidelines as she beat the snot out of my brother as the other Ares kids cheered her on. Markus seemed to be the only one of them that didn't seem to delight in my brother's public humiliation, but he rarely seemed interested in anything at all other than those knives and daggers he constantly was tossing and playing around with.

The only thing we really excelled at was canoeing, and that wasn't the kind of heroic godlike skill that they created myths about.

I knew the senior campers and counselors were watching us both, trying to decide who our dad was, but they weren't having an easy time of it. The fact that we weren't half-siblings, as far as I know, wasn't helping anyone. Apparently, It was rare for siblings to have the same godly parent. But Percy and I looked too alike to be half-siblings. Plus, my mom had only talked about just one guy my entire life.

Either way, I began to rule out our potential fathers. As freakin crazy as that sounds. We both weren't as strong as the Ares kids, or as good at archery as the Apollo kids. I definitely didn't have Hephaestus's skill with metalwork or—gods forbid, Percy stated—Dionysus's way with vine plants. 

Luke tried to treasure us that we might be a child of Hermes, a kind of jack-of-all-trades, master of none. But I knew he was just trying to make us feel better. He really didn't know what to make of us either.

Regardless, I was actually starting to like camp. I was comforted by the morning fog over the beach, the smell of hot strawberry fields in the afternoon, and even the weird noises of monsters in the woods at night. Which was really not that different from the noise in the city. I would eat dinner with my brother and cabin eleven, scrape part of my meal into the fire, and speak to my dad. Day after day, a quick plea to just tell us who he is. Nothing came. Just a warm feeling that Percy talked about sometimes, the memory of his smile. I had never really cared about it before but, to be in the place where he wanted us to go... knowing who he was seemed a little more important than before.

I tried not to think or talk too much about my mom, but Percy kept saying that if gods and monsters were real, if all this magical stuff was possible, surely there was some way to save her, to bring her back. I don't know if that was even possible but I started to understand Luke's bitterness and how he seemed to resent his father, Hermes.

Like yeah, maybe gods had important things to do. But couldn't they call once in a while, or thunder, or something? Dionysus could make Diet Coke appear out of thin air. Why couldn't my dad, whoever he was, make a phone appear? Instead, he showed no sign that he ever existed.

Thursday morning, three days after I'd arrived at Camp Half-Blood, I visited the archery range, determined to try again and at least hit the target. I made sure to lug a target to a secluded area deeper into the woods so no one would be able to see all my spectacular failures. This precaution held true as I started to get frustrated when my 7th arrow went wide and landed on the ground nowhere near the target. I had started to pull back my 8th arrow when I heard a rustle in the forest behind me. 

I quickly whipped my head around to peer into the bushes. The noise was probably a drayd that lived in the trees around camp but, I remembered Annabeth talking about the monsters that were sometimes in the woods and my heart started pounding a little faster in my chest. I clutched the bow in my hand tighter and yelled, "Who's there?" 

After a moment of silence, I thought whatever had made that sound moved on but, the sound of a twig snapping proved that something was still there. Fine. If it wasn't gonna come out on its own I was gonna make it. I lifted my bow, pulled back the arrow, and aimed at the noise, saying, "If you don't come out I'll shoot!" 

Slowly someone moved out of the forest line, with their hands up, and into the clearing, "Based on your seven missed shots I don't think I'm in that much danger."

"Markus," I grit out pulling the bow even tighter and aiming for his bored face, "what ar- were you watching me!?" 

He tilted his head in a so-so type of way, "I didn't mean to- could you please put the bow down? Please?" A little bit of unease crept into his voice.

I snorted, "why? I thought I couldn't hit you." "You can't, your form is the worst I've ever seen but an arrow is an arrow and I’d rather it not be pointed at my face," he said plainly. I narrowed my eyes, "Why should I? You and your sister tried to give my brother a swirly!" 

He groaned and threw his head back, "I- I'm sorry about that… sometimes I get caught up in what my siblings are doing… I- I don’t think, ya know? I just do."

I stared at his eyes, usually so guarded, but at this moment steadily looking at me, remorse filled his gaze. But you know what, he had been a total jerk, so I was gonna be a jerk. 

I moved the point of the arrow away from his face, pulled back as far as I could, and let go. He didn't even flinch when the arrow sailed wide of his face and landed in the bushes behind him. But I saw a flash of an emotion I could not recognize in his eyes as I moved to slowly lower the bow and he slowly lowered his hands.

Cooly, he said, "Told you so."

My face burned in embarrassment. Obviously, I missed, everyone knew that would happen but his calm reaction to my tantrum made me feel foolish. Which only fueled my frustration with him. I mean, come on, this guy is being a jerk and not even giving me the basic human decency of a response. How rude is that?

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" I hissed at him.

He didn't respond and just stared. His dark eyes bore into me, searching for something. His stoic expression made me squirm uncomfortably. Two can play at whatever game is going on.

"Why were you watching me?" I asked schooling my face into a measured glare.

His lips quirked at the gesture and continued to study me so curiously that I almost didn't think he heard me. "Why were you following me?!" I stomped my foot angrily in emphasis. He chuckled and began to circle me, finally answering, "Isn't everyone watching you, trying to see what you and your brother can do?"

That didn't really explain why HE was watching me now, or any of the other times really. I tried to follow his movements, keeping my eyes on him, as he paced around me like a shark.

I narrowed my eyes. "That all you got? Dude not only were you just watching me in the bushes like a stalker, but you visited me in the infirmary to what? Talk? I mean seriously what is your problem?"

He stopped circling to firmly stand in front of me, close enough for me to get a whiff of pine from his shirt.

"I sensed your power as soon as you crossed the border. It was... interesting," he paused seeming unsure, "I wanna know if you are a threat to the camp or not. I have never sensed someone as powerful as you or your brother."

I couldn't help but laugh incredulously, "Me and Percy a threat?! Please, I mean we can cause a mess if we want to but like a threat? Ha." Wow, these guys took this medieval stuff seriously. What really bothered me was how he said he could sense my power. Was he saying he could like smell me or something? I sniffed my shirt discreetly as he scowled in my direction.

"This is not a joke. Something is coming and you and your brother are at the center of it," he pressed urgently. 

I rolled my eyes at that, "Oh yeah, and how do you know? Can you tell the future or something?" I mocked.

He stiffened, "thankfully, I do not have that gift but my father did bless me in other ways. I can sorta feel the potential power of demigods or monsters or whoever it is."

His father, the god of war, I remembered. Knowing that, him being some kinda power radar makes sense. Seemed very helpful to be able to immediately size up someone before a fight.

I frowned, "So, what's the plan then? Are you just gonna stalk me forever?" I knew I was being difficult but you know what, this guy was stressing me out. More than before. He was gonna have to be a little nicer if he wanted me to make whatever this conversation was easier for him. 

He closed his eyes and signed, seeming to gather himself, and calmly responded, "No, no I... I want to help you."

I blinked at him dumbly, "Help me?"

He seemed very uncomfortable and very out of his element but continued, "Yeah, like get the hang of camp and everything."

I stared at him for a moment, until it clicked in my head and I gasped, "Oh, ok you wanna be friends?" Nobody has ever actively tried to be my friend before. I was always too much of a bad influence to be invited over to someone's house to play dolls or have a sleepover. Despite myself, I felt a growing bubbling excitement in my stomach.

He frowned and shook his head, "No, no I don't need any friends. I just don't want any weak links walking around," He paused, "Something is coming and we ALL need to be ready."

My excitement dimmed at his confession.

Ouch ok, that stings on multiple levels. But as I began to turn over his words in my head, I realize he was right. Percy and I were so far behind everyone else, I could barely fire an arrow, let alone hit a target. We got lucky with the Minotaur and Mrs. Dodds, it would take a miracle if I wanted to survive in this place. I would need some help.

I sighed and took a deep breath. "Ok, ok, ok why don't we start over, and then we can talk about your advice or whatever? Deal?" I held out my hand for him to shake.

At that moment all time seemed to stand still as we eyed each other warily, on the edge of something new and unfamiliar to both of us. Suddenly, he grabbed my hand and shook it.

"Deal."

Markus helped me put away all the archery stuff and we began to awkwardly walk in the direction of the training ring. I knew this guy was not trying to help me just out of the goodness of his heart but I would try to make the best of it. But as I glanced to my left at Markus's intense face I couldn't help but wonder what I had gotten myself into. I wiped my sweaty palms against my jeans. Damn nerves.

We reached the arena just as Percy and the other campers were gathering around the center training ring to start the sword-fighting lesson. I began to feel more and more uneasy as everybody from cabin eleven gathered in the big circular arena, where Luke would be the instructor. If they didn't notice Markus and I show up together then they definitely noticed our closeness as we stood on the side of the ring and were probably wondering if he was holding me captive.

Either that or, why wasn't I out there with Percy skewering the other kids? What they didn't know is that earlier that day when Annabeth took Percy and me to the shed by the armory to pick a weapon, as soon as I touched a sword I got the immediate feeling of wrongness. So strong that I got vertigo. Every weapon in the shed I tried was uncomfortable in my hand. So, no I would not be joining in the wholesome fun today.

They started with basic stabbing and slashing, using some straw-stuffed dummies in Greek armor. For his first day, Percy was doing okay. At least, I think he was, he looked like he knew what he was doing.

The main problem was, that like me, he couldn't find a blade that felt right. I could tell by his face that they were either too heavy, or too light, or too long. Luke was trying his best to help him out but even he agreed that none of the practice blades seemed to work for him.

I glanced over at Markus to see him intently studying everyone in the ring. "Why aren't you up there?" I ask. He didn’t even move his eyes from the ring as he declared, "I practice with all kinds of weapons, but this is not an interdisciplinary class." He paused glancing at me in mild disdain, "but what I'm doing or not doing doesn't matter right now. Watch what's going on now you’re gonna need it later."

I frowned at him because one, he was being rude, and two, I didn't even know what to look for. Nevertheless, I focused my attention back on the ring.

They began to move on to dueling in pairs. Luke announced he would partner with Percy since this was his first time.

Markus nodded, "That's a good matchup." "Why?" I questioned  "Luke's the best swordsman in the last three hundred years." My eyes widened, "that's not a good matchup, he is gonna beat the crap out of him!" He shrugged, "best way to learn is to be thrown to the wolves."

I very much disagreed with that.  "Maybe he'll go easy on him," I said. Markus gave me a side eye that said he didn't believe that for one second.

Luke showed Percy thrusts and parries and shield blocks the hard way.

With every swipe, he got a little more battered and bruised. "Keep your guard up, Percy," Luke said, then whapped him in the ribs with the flat of his blade.

"No, not that far up!" Whap! "Lunge!" Whap! "Now, back!" Whap!

I winced at every blow. By the time he called a break, Percy was soaked in sweat. Everybody swarmed the drinks cooler. Luke poured ice water on his head.

I bounded over to Percy waiting his turn, "Dude, are you ok? You're kinda getting pummeled out there."

Percy gave me a wild look like he can't believe I just said that. "Yuh, think?" Percy exclaimed out of breath as he reached down in the cooler copying Luke and pouring ice water over his face. 

Instantly, his eyes seemed more alert than before and his sword didn't look so awkward in his hands.

"Okay, everybody circle up!" Luke ordered. "If Percy doesn't mind, I want to give you a little demo." Great, I thought. Let's all watch Percy get pounded some more.

The Hermes guys gathered around. They were suppressing smiles. I figured they'd been in Percy's position before and this was some sort of stupid initiation ritual. Luke told everybody he was going to demonstrate a disarming technique: how to twist the enemy's blade with the flat of your own sword so that he had no choice but to drop his weapon. "This is difficult," he stressed. "I've had it used against me. No laughing at Percy, now. Most swordsmen have to work years to master this technique."

He demonstrated the move on Percy in slow motion. Sure enough, the sword clattered out of my brother's hand.

"Now in real-time," he said after Percy had retrieved his weapon. "We keep sparring until one of us pulls it off. Ready, Percy?"

I held my breath as Percy nodded, and Luke came after him. Somehow, Percy kept him from getting a shot at the hilt of his sword.

My eyes widened as they sparred. It was turning out to be a real match with Percy seeing his attacks coming and countering. He even was stepping forward and tried out a few thrusts of his own. Luke deflected it easily, but I saw the change in his face. His eyes narrowed, and he started to press Percy with more force.

I saw the look on my brother's face and could tell he knew that it was only a matter of seconds before Luke took him down.

His only option was to throw caution to the wind and try the disarming maneuver. His blade hit the base of Luke's and he twisted, leaning his whole weight into a downward thrust.

Clang.

Luke's sword rattled against the stones. The tip of Percy's blade was an inch from his undefended chest.

The other campers were silent. I was silent. I couldn't believe it worked.

Percy lowered his sword, looking around at everyone staring at him, and muttered, "Um, sorry." For a moment, Luke was too stunned to speak.

"Sorry?" His scarred face broke into a grin. "By the gods, Percy, why are you sorry? Show me that again!"

Percy looked hesitant. But Luke insisted.

This time, there was really no contest. The moment their swords connected, Luke hit Percy's hilt and sent his weapon skidding across the floor.

After a long pause, somebody in the audience said, "Beginner's luck?"

Luke wiped the sweat off his brow. He appraised my brother with an entirely new interest. Like he was this new variable that he had never considered until now. Something about that rubbed me the wrong way.

"Maybe," he said. "But I wonder what Percy could do with a balanced sword... ."

I looked around the ring back to where I left Markus. But there was no one there.

Friday afternoon, I was sitting with Percy and Grover at the lake, resting from a near-death experience on the climbing wall. Grover had scampered to the top like a mountain goat, but the lava had almost gotten Percy. His shirt had smoking holes in it, and the hairs had been singed off his forearms. 

I, on the other hand, had to visit the burn ward in the healer's tent to get my leg bandaged. We sat on the pier, watching the naiads do underwater basket-weaving until Percy got up the nerve to ask Grover how his conversation had gone with Mr. D. His face turned a sickly shade of yellow.

"Fine," he said. "Just great."

"So your career's still on track?" Percy sounded hopeful, but I knew better. Based on what Chiron said I don't think it would be so simple.

He glanced at us nervously. "Chiron t-told you I want a searcher's license?"

"Well... no." I nudged Percy to stop talking. I had no idea what a searcher's license was, but it didn't seem like the right time to ask.

"He just said you had big plans, you know," I chimed in "... and that you needed credit for completing a keeper's assignment. So did you get it?"

Grover looked down at the naiads. "Mr. D suspended judgment. He said I hadn't failed or succeeded with you yet, so our fates were still tied together. If you got a quest and I went along to protect you, and we both came back alive, then maybe he'd consider the job complete."

I let out a huge breath. "Well, that's not so bad, right?"

"Blaa-ha-ha! He might as well have transferred me to stable-cleaning duty. The chances of either of you getting a quest... and even if you did, why would you want me along?"

"Of course, we'd want you along!" Percy exclaimed. I nodded my head in agreement.

Grover stared glumly into the water. "Basket-weaving ... Must be nice to have a useful skill." Percy tried to reassure him that he had lots of talents, but that just made him look more miserable. I wisely kept my mouth shut, knowing nothing I could say would do much.

I changed the subject and we talked about canoeing and swordplay for a while, then debated the pros and cons of the different gods and who our dad could be. 

Finally, I asked a question that had been bothering me since we got here, "So, what's the deal with the empty cabins? Are those campers not here yet or something?"

"Number eight, the silver one, belongs to Artemis," he said. "She vowed to be a maiden forever. So of course, no kids. The cabin is, you know, honorary. If she didn't have one, she'd be mad."

"Yeah, okay. But the other three, the ones at the end. Are those the Big Three?" I press. Grover tensed. We were getting close to a touchy subject. "No. One of them, number two, is Hera's," he said. "That's another honorary thing. She's the goddess of marriage, so of course she wouldn't go around having affairs with mortals. That's her husband's job. When we say the Big Three, we mean the three powerful brothers, the sons of Kronos."

"Zeus, Poseidon, Hades," Percy chimed in.

"Right. You know. After the great battle with the Titans, they took over the world from their dad and drew lots to decide who got what."

"Zeus got the sky," I remembered. "Poseidon the sea, Hades the Underworld."

"Uh-huh," Grover affirms.

Percy furrowed his brows, "But wait, Hades doesn't have a cabin here."

"No. He doesn't have a throne on Olympus, either. He sort of does his own thing down in the Underworld. If he did have a cabin here..." Grover shuddered. "Well, it wouldn't be pleasant. Let's leave it at that."

"Well that doesn't seem very fair," I exclaim, "aren't they a family?"

Grover looks at me a little funny, "Not that kind of family."

I considered his words. Yeah, I guess he was right, I mean all we talked about in Mr. Brunner's Latin class was how the gods were not that kind of family. They were always backstabbing, marrying, or generally causing chaos for each other and the world. Of course, they would leave out the weird emo brother, just cause.

Percy still wasn't satisfied with that answer, "but Zeus and Poseidon—they both had, like, a bazillion kids in the myths. Why are their cabins empty?" 

Grover shifted his hooves uncomfortably. "About sixty years ago, after World War II, the Big Three agreed they wouldn't sire any more heroes. Their children were just too powerful. They were affecting the course of human events too much, causing too much carnage. World War II, you know, that was basically a fight between the sons of Zeus and Poseidon on one side and the sons of Hades on the other. The winning side, Zeus and Poseidon, made Hades swear an oath with them: no more affairs with mortal women. They all swore on the River Styx."

Thunder boomed.

Percy muttered, "That's the most serious oath you can make, right?" Grover nodded.

"And the brothers kept their word—no kids?" I raised my eyebrows in disbelief.

Grover's face darkened. "Seventeen years ago, Zeus fell off the wagon. There was this TV starlet with a big fluffy eighties hairdo—he just couldn't help himself. When their child was born, a little girl named Thalia... well, the River Styx is serious about promises. Zeus himself got off easy because he's immortal, but he brought a terrible fate on his daughter."

"But that isn't fair.' It wasn't the little girl's fault," Percy grabbed my hand as if he was afraid I was going to disappear.

Grover hesitated. "Percy, Cassie, children of the Big Three have powers greater than other half-bloods. They have a strong aura, a scent that attracts monsters. When Hades found out about the girl, he wasn't too happy about Zeus breaking his oath. Hades let the worst monsters out of Tartarus to torment Thalia. A satyr was assigned to be her keeper when she was twelve, but there was nothing he could do. He tried to escort her here with a couple of other half-bloods she'd befriended. They almost made it. They got all the way to the top of that hill."

He pointed across the valley, to the pine tree where I'd fought the minotaur. "All three Kindly Ones were after them, along with a horde of hellhounds. They were about to be overrun when Thalia told her satyr to take the other two half-bloods to safety while she held off the monsters. She was wounded and tired, and she didn't want to live like a hunted animal. The satyr didn't want to leave her, but he couldn't change her mind, and he had to protect the others. So Thalia made her final stand alone, at the top of that hill. As she died, Zeus took pity on her. He turned her into that pine tree. Her spirit still helps protect the borders of the valley. That's why the hill is called Half-Blood Hill."

I stared at the pine in the distance. The story was one of the saddest things I had ever heard. A girl my age had sacrificed herself to save her friends. She had faced a whole army of monsters. How could her dad have let that just happen to her? If that's what demigods were up against I didn't know if I could live up to it.

I also wondered if I'd been a little bit braver like Thalia, maybe I could have saved my mother.

"Grover," Percy said carefully, "have heroes really gone on quests to the Underworld?"

"Sometimes," he said. "Orpheus. Hercules. Houdini." "Houdini?!" I questioned in surprise. Grover shrugged as if to say, yeah I guess.

"And have they ever returned somebody from the dead?" Percy pushed. "No. Never. Orpheus came close... Percy, you're not seriously thinking—"

"No," Percy quickly responded,  "I was just wondering." I gave him a bewildered look. Was he suggesting that we go to the Underworld!?

"So... a satyr is always assigned to guard a demigod?" Percy continued ignoring my stare. Grover studied us warily. What a surprise Percy's very obvious lie, hadn't persuaded him that he'd really dropped the Underworld idea. Shocker.

"Not always. We go undercover to a lot of schools. We try to sniff out the half-bloods who have the makings of great heroes. If we find one with a very strong aura, like a child of the Big Three, we alert Chiron. He tries to keep an eye on them since they could cause really huge problems."

Whoa, wait for a second, he alerted Chiron because our dad might be one of the Big Three? With the story of Thalia still fresh in my mind I was in disbelief that our luck could be that bad.

"And you found us. Chiron said you thought we might be something special," Percy said dryly as he started to piece it together as well.

Grover looked as if we'd just led him into a trap. "I didn't... Oh, listen, don't think like that. If you were—you know—you'd never ever be allowed a quest, and I'd never get my license. You're probably a child of Hermes. Or maybe even one of the minor gods, like Nemesis, the god of revenge. Don't worry, okay?"

Heck no, I was worried. I just wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure himself or us.

That night after dinner, there was a lot more excitement than usual.

At last, it was time for capture the flag. I was trying the psych myself up for the game and ignore the nervous butterflies in my stomach.

When the plates were cleared away, the conch horn sounded and we all stood at our tables. Campers yelled and cheered as Annabeth and two of her siblings ran into the pavilion carrying a silk banner. It was about ten feet long, glistening gray, with a painting of a barn owl above an olive tree. From the opposite side of the pavilion, Clarisse, Markus and their siblings ran in screaming and going wild, carrying another banner, of identical size, but gaudy red, painted with a bloody spear and a boar's head.

Percy turned to Luke and yelled over the noise, "Those are the flags?"

"Yeah." "Ares and Athena always lead the teams?" "Not always," he said. "But often."

Made sense, god of war vs. goddess of war.

"So, if another cabin captures one, what do you do—repaint the flag?" I questioned

He grinned. "You'll see. First, we have to get one."

"Whose side are we on?" He gave Percy and me a sly look as if he knew something we didn't. The scar on his face made him look almost evil in the torchlight. He was a lot more intimidating in the dark I realized. "We've made a temporary alliance with Athena. Tonight, we get the flag from Ares. And you are going to help."

The teams were announced. Athena had made an alliance with Apollo and Hermes, the two biggest cabins. Apparently, privileges had been traded—shower times, chore schedules, the best slots for activities—in order to win support.

Ares had allied themselves with everybody else: Dionysus, Demeter, Aphrodite, and Hephaestus. I wish I'd paid more attention, instead of being in my head all the time but, from what I'd seen, Dionysus's kids were actually good athletes, but there were only two of them.

Demeter's kids had the edge with nature skills and outdoor stuff but they weren't very aggressive. Aphrodite's sons and daughters I wasn't too worried about it. They mostly sat out every activity and checked their reflections in the lake and did their hair and gossiped. Hephaestus's kids weren't pretty, and there were only four of them, but they were big and burly from working in the metal shop all day. They might be a problem. That, of course, left Ares'scabin: a dozen of the biggest, ugliest, meanest kids on Long Island, or anywhere else on the planet. Markus caught my eye in the chaos of his siblings jumping around and gave me an unimpressed look.

Markus's offer to help me get the rundown on camp had started a couple of days ago. He first gave me a basic lesson on camp dynamics and a spear lesson. It was going great, if great is getting my ass kicked.

"I heard Chiron gave you Stormbreaker?" He said to me on our first day in the ring. He gestured to the bracelet cuff on my wrist.

"Um, yeah I guess," I mumbled.

"Do you know how to activate it?" He questioned as he scanned over the spears on the rack and began weighing them in his hand to find a good fit.

"Activate? You mean turn it from a snake to the spear thingy?" I responded. He turned to me having finally found a good enough spear. He frowned at me and rolled his eyes as if I couldn't be serious. "First of all, it's not a snake it's a sea serpent, supposedly the one that Perseus killed on his second quest trying to save the princess, Andromeda, Second if I'm gonna teach you how to fight with weapons I need you to be serious." 

I nodded embarrassed. He rolled his eyes again and sauntered over to me grabbing my wrist. He was so close I could see all of the faint scars on his hands. I squirmed, uncomfortable with him in my personal space. He clicked the eyes of the serpent and it began to loosen and uncoil itself down my wrist. Eventually straightening and lengthening into a 5ft bronze spear with silver detailing twining up the shaft just like before in the museum.

It was surprisingly light and comfortable in my hand, but I could tell the tip was sharp enough to do some serious damage.

Markus looked a little awed himself but quickly shook it off and was back to his scowling self. He began by showing me a few motions and explained how spears differ from other weapons. "It's like dancing, you put your whole body into it." It was all going really well until we actually began to duel. Whenever I left my flank open he would smack me with the flat of the spear tip. I let my guard down, whap! I swing with only my arm, whap! By the end of our session, I was bruised and sore all over.

As I lay on my back in the center of the ring, sweat soaking my shirt, I groaned, "Aren't boys not supposed to hit girls?" Markus signed and walked over to me. In a rare display of vulnerability he leaned over my face to make eye contact, "Look I know I'm going hard on you but I'm not sorry. Monsters won't be sorry or hesitate, they will kill you. You're a demigod it's time to start acting like it."

Chiron hammered his hoof on the marble, bringing me back to the present. 

"Heroes!" he announced. "You know the rules. The creek is the boundary line. The entire forest is fair game. All magic items are allowed. The banner must be prominently displayed, and have no more than two guards. Prisoners may be disarmed, but may not be bound or gagged. No killing or maiming is allowed. I will serve as referee and battlefield medic. Arm yourselves!"

He spread his hands, and the tables were suddenly covered with equipment: helmets, bronze swords, spears, and oxhide shields coated in metal.

"Whoa," Percy said. "We're really supposed to use these?"

Luke looked at him as if he were crazy. "Unless you want to get skewered by your friends in cabin five. Here—Chiron thought these would fit you two. You'll be on border patrol."

Percy's shield was the size of an NBA backboard, with a big caduceus in the middle, and looked like it weighed about a million pounds.  I was given a slightly smaller shield but it was still heavy as hell. I hoped nobody seriously expected me to run fast.

Our helmets, like all the helmets on Athena's side, had a blue horsehair plume on top. Ares and their allies had red plumes. Luke moved to hand me a sword that I knew wouldn't feel right in my hands. I looked down at my wrist, the serpent's maw looking like it would devour my middle finger as it wound around my arm. Here goes nothing I thought as I clicked the serpent's eye and it came alive to form the spear. It activated so suddenly that I had to quickly move it out of the way so I didn't skewer Luke.

"Whoa, there," he said surprised, "Cassie did not come to play today!" His loud voice attracted the attention of nearly everyone around us. Especially the Ares kids who now looked at me like a personal challenge. Markus was as always frowning and staring but this time not at me but at Luke. Still, my face burned at the attention as Percy helped me put on the rest of my gear.

Annabeth yelled, "Blue team, forward!"

We cheered and shook our swords and followed her down the path to the south woods. The red team yelled taunts at us as they headed off toward the north.

Percy managed to catch up with Annabeth, but I was struggling a bit on account of my microscopic height.

"So much for sticking together, huh?" Luke said.

I hadn't noticed he had slowed down to jog next to me.

"Huh," I said loudly. He motioned ahead to Percy jogging alongside Annabeth. "Ummm yeah, I guess," I said noncommittally, "I mean he should make friends other than me and Grover." He smiled at me in a pitying way like he thought I was lying to myself. Like he could see something I couldn't. That agitated me a little bit. "Sure. Anyways don't worry about border patrol. It's an easy job and pretty boring, you and Percy won't have to do much this game. I'll see if next time after a bit more training we can get you a little more in on the action."

My agitation eased a bit at that. Who was I kidding Luke was just trying to look out for me. Help out the new girl who clearly didn't know what she was doing. Still, I picked up the pace to catch up with Percy and Annabeth, leaving Luke behind.

"So what's the plan?" I heard Percy ask her as I reached them, "Got any magic items you can loan me?" Annabeth's hand drifted toward her pocket as if she were afraid he'd stolen something.

"Just watch Clarisse's spear," she said. "You don't want that thing touching you. Otherwise, don't worry. We'll take the banner from Ares. Has Luke given you your job?"

"Border patrol, whatever that means," I puffed out already out of breath. My helmet was too big and falling over my eyes as I ran. I had to keep reaching up to fix it.

"It's easy. Stand by the creek, keep the reds away. Leave the rest to me. Athena always has a plan."

She pushed ahead, leaving us in the dust.

"Okay," Percy mumbled sarcastically. "Glad you wanted us on your team." He turned to me, "Stay close Cassie." And then he jogged faster into the woods.

I grumbled to myself still out of breath, "kinda hard to do that when you're running away." I struggled to catch up with him. It was a warm, sticky night. The woods were dark, with fireflies popping in and out of view. Annabeth stationed us next to a little creek that gurgled over some rocks, then she and the rest of the team scattered into the trees.

Standing there with just Percy, with my big blue-feathered helmet and my huge shield, I felt incredibly ridiculous. I barely know how to use this big ass spear, and the shield I was carrying was weighing down my arm. How was I supposed to do this? 

"There was no way anybody would actually attack us, would they? I mean, Olympus had to have liability issues, right?" Percy said. I knew it was supposed to be a joke but I could hear the tinge of nervousness in his voice.

"Awwww, are you scared Percy?" I teased even though I had to set down my spear and wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans.

He scowled at me and ignored me, turned back to watching the woods. Far away, the conch horn blew. I heard whoops and yells in the woods, the clanking of metal, and kids fighting. A blue-plumed ally from Apollo raced past me like a deer, leaped through the creek, and disappeared into enemy territory.

Great, I thought. I'll miss all the fun, as usual.

Then I heard a sound that sent a chill up my spine, a low canine growl, somewhere close by.

"Percy..." I started. He didn't answer me but he must have heard it too because his eyes immediately began to dart around. "Get behind me," he said and shifted in front of me.

I raised my shield instinctively and quickly snatched my spear from the ground; I had this feeling that something was stalking us. Then the growling stopped. I felt the presence retreating.

On the other side of the creek, the underbrush exploded. Four Ares warriors came yelling and screaming out of the dark. "Cream the punks!" Clarisse screamed.

Her ugly pig eyes glared through the slits of her helmet. She brandished a five-foot-long spear similar to mine, but its barbed metal tip was flickering with red light. The way she held it while she ran to us, confident and sure there was no doubt she could use it way better than me. Her siblings had only the standard-issue bronze swords—not that that made me feel any better.

They charged across the stream and there was no help in sight. We could run. Or we could defend against the Ares cabin. We've done it before. Quickly Percy and I looked at each other knowingly. Anticipation tingled in my arms and legs. Maybe we could do this, maybe this would be like the scraps and fights we got into at school that we always managed to survive.

We both sidestepped the first kid's swing, similar to the days before. Percy going right and me going left, but these guys were not as stupid as the Minotaur.

Three of them broke off and managed to surround me, separating me from Percy and Clarisse. Who thrust at my brother with her spear. His shield deflected the point, but his body stiffened, jerking a bit as his muscles visibly constricted. He gave a loud shout. 

Electricity, I realized as the air around us burned. Her stupid spear was electric.

I wanted to help Percy but the kids around me seemed not too keen to let me.  My confidence quickly dissipated as we were separated. Another Ares guy slammed me in the chest with the butt of his sword and knocked the wind right out of me. I doubled over and wheezed out a couple of curses that would make a nun blush, searching the three faces around me, all of them sneering kids looking delighted to beat the absolute shit out of me. Markus's stoic face was not among them. Thank god. I don't think I could handle that guy's attitude right now.

They could've really given me a beatdown, but they were too busy laughing at Percy and Clarisse. This was quickly spiraling out of control.

"I think I'll give him a haircut," Clarisse said. "What do you say, boys?"

I turned to watch as Percy managed to get to his feet and raise his sword, but Clarisse slammed it aside with her spear as sparks flew in the night. I grabbed my spear and scooted backward trying to get my bearings while the three Ares kids were distracted.

"Oh, wow," Clarisse said. "I'm scared of this guy. Really scared."

"The flag is that way," I told her. I wanted to sound intimidating, but I was afraid it didn't come out that way. She barely gave me a glance. Her entire focus was on Percy trying to lift his sword.

"Yeah," one of her siblings said. "But see, we don't care about the flag. We care about the two kids who made our cabin look stupid." The three begin to circle me backing me up farther away from Percy.

I finally got to my feet with my spear clutched in one hand and my shield discarded somewhere in the distance. "You didn't need us to make your cabin look stupid," I told them, "Your entire existence made that possible." It probably wasn't the smartest thing to say but, I didn't care I was pissed off.

The guy on my left, enraged raised his sword and swung down toward me in a mighty arc. I raised my spear horizontally with both hands blocking his strike. We had reached the edge of the creek, water lapping at my feet and soaking the cuffs of my pants. I looked down at his wide stance and in a desperate thought, moved my leg behind his and pulled. Throwing him off balance, he lost control and fell back into the shallow bank of the creek.

The other two of them looked down at him shocked. Allowing me a little time to look over at Percy and Clarisse dueling farther down the bank of the creek.  Percy backed up toward the water, trying to raise and use his shield, but Clarisse was too fast. Her spear stuck him straight in the ribs. If he hadn't been wearing an armored breastplate, he would've been shish-ke-babbed. But I could tell by his face that the electrical shock was definitely doing some damage.

I started to move towards him down the bank of the creek but I all of a sudden felt a burning pain done the length of my shoulder blade to my elbow. One of the Ares kids snuck up behind me and slashed his sword across my arm, leaving a good- size cut. I fell forward, splashing into the warm water of the creek. At the last second, I was able to catch myself from slamming face-first into the rocky bed of the creek.

I stared at my dirty reflection in the water as it changed from a clear dark blue to a deep crimson as the water washed the blood from my wound into the creek.

Seeing my own blood made me dizzy—warm and cold at the same time. "N-no maiming," I whimpered.

"Oops," the guy said. "Guess I lost my dessert privilege."

He shoved me down with his boot and I splashed around trying to get away. They all laughed. 

"Awww, look she's gonna cry," one of them mocked, "are you gonna cry?" Let's be honest, I was gonna cry. 

Not because I was scared but because I was frustrated. Ever since we got here everything has been trying to kill us. All because of a dad we never knew. My entire life had been dictated by a guy who never even came to see me. Who maybe doesn't even know I exist? The thought filled me with such anger that I could barely even hear the Ares kids bellowing laughter. Who cares, I figured as soon as they were through being amused, I would die. But then something happened.

The water seemed to wake up my senses as if I'd just had a bag of my mom's double-espresso jelly beans. It also fueled my anger.

I looked over at Percy and he seemed to feel what I was feeling. We locked eyes as Percy began treading water to get to me. Clarisse and her cabinmates finally came fully into the creek to finish us off, as Percy reached me and helped me up.  We stood together to meet them. We knew what to do and I wasn't afraid anymore. 

Percy moved forward and swung the flat of his sword against the first guy's head and knocked his helmet clean off. He hit him so hard I could see his eyes vibrating as he crumpled into the water. Ugly Number Two and Ugly Number Three came at me. But I had retrieved my spear from the water and slammed the shaft of it into one's face. Next, I turned to use the blade to shear off the other guy's horsehair plume. Both of them backed up quick.

But Clarisse kept coming, the point of her spear crackling with energy. As soon as she thrust, Percy caught the shaft between the edge of his shield and sword and snapped it like a twig.

"Ah!" she screamed. "You idiot! You corpse-breath worm!"

She probably would've said worse, but  Percy smacked her between the eyes with his sword butt and sent her stumbling backward out of the creek.

Then I heard yelling, and elated screams, and I saw Luke racing toward the boundary line with the red team's banner lifted high. He was flanked by a couple of Hermes kids covering his retreat, and a few Apollos behind them, fighting off the Hephaestus kids.

The Ares folks got up, and Clarisse muttered a dazed curse. "A trick!" she shouted. "It was a trick."

They staggered after Luke, but it was too late. Everybody converged on the creek as Luke ran across into friendly territory. Our side exploded into cheers. The red banner shimmered and turned to silver. The boar and spear were replaced with a huge caduceus, the symbol of cabin eleven. Everybody on the blue team picked up Luke and started carrying him around on their shoulders. Chiron cantered out from the woods and blew the conch horn.

The game was over. We'd won.

My heart was still pumping and blood was still roaring in my ears from the adrenalin still raging through my body. Unable to understand that it was over. I was startled when Annabeth's voice, right next to us in the creek, said, "Not bad, heroes."

I saw Percy look around, but she wasn't there.

"Where the heck did you learn to fight like that?" she asked. The air shimmered, and she materialized, holding a Yankees baseball cap as if she'd just taken it off her head.

I looked over at Percy cause I was honestly still confused and a bit dazed. Was she just invisible? I mean it shouldn't have fazed me but still.

"You set us up," Percy gritted out. "You put us here because you knew Clarisse would come after us, while you sent Luke around the flank. You had it all figured out."

Annabeth shrugged. "I told you. Athena always has a plan."

"A plan to get us pulverized," I muttered warily.

"I came as fast as I could. I was about to jump in, but..." She shrugged. "You didn't need help."

Then she noticed Percy's wounded arm. Her brows were drawn together and she frowned. "How did you do that?"

I noted her reaction and turned to look at his arm. What I was expecting was a gnarly-looking half-burned cut, but my eyes widened at what I saw instead. 

"Sword cut," he said distractedly looking at the ongoing cheering and commotion of our fellow teammates. "What do you think?"

"No. It was a sword cut. Look at it."

He similarly to us looked down and was shocked to see the blood was gone. Where the huge cut had been, there was a long white scratch, and even that was fading. As we all watched, it turned into a small scar and disappeared.

"I—I don't get it,"  Percy said.

I was barely able to form the thought before I dropped my spear and scrabbled to try and look at my shoulder and the corresponding cut. It was a strain to crane my neck but I eventually saw the wound. Or I would have if it was still there. Similar to my brother all the blood was gone and only a faint slightly larger scar was left on my shoulder blade. What the hell?

Annabeth was thinking hard. I could almost see the gears turning. She looked down at Percy's feet, then at Clarisse's broken spear, and said, "Step out of the water, Percy."

"What—"

"Just do it."

Percy looked at me cautiously before treading closer to the bank and finally stepping out of the water. I followed him but stopped right at the bank staying where the water still lapped at my feet.

As he came out of the creek it was like all his energy immediately left. He almost fell over, but Annabeth and I rushed out of the water to steady him. But it's kinda hard to steady someone when your strength immediately leaves you as well. 

I ended up having to lean on Percy and Annabeth so I didn't face plant on the gravel. I suddenly felt like I needed to take several naps.

"Oh, Styx," Annabeth cursed. "This is not good. I didn't want... I assumed it would be Zeus..."

I looked up at her through droopy eyelids. She didn't look like a confident kick-your-ass Annabeth anymore. Her brown skin had got ashen.

Before I could ask what she meant, I heard that canine growl again, but much closer than before. A howl ripped through the forest. Percy still a bit sluggish gripped my arm protectively, eyes frantically searching for the source of the noise like many of the campers still on alert.

The campers' cheering died instantly. Chiron shouted something in Ancient Greek, which I would realize, later, I had understood perfectly: "Stand ready! My bow!" Annabeth drew her sword.

There on the rocks just above us was a black hound the size of a rhino, with lava-red eyes and fangs like daggers.

It was looking straight at us,

Nobody moved except Annabeth, who yelled, "Percy, Cassie, run!"

She tried to step in front of us, but the hound was too fast. It leaped over her—an enormous shadow with teeth—and just as it was about to collide with us everything seemed to move in slow motion as Percy pushed me to the side, out of the way.

I could barely open my mouth to scream, as I flew backward in the water I saw its razor-sharp claws ripping through my brother's armor. There was a cascade of thwacking sounds like forty pieces of paper being ripped one after the other. From the hound's neck sprouted a cluster of arrows. The monster fell dead at my brother's feet. Time resumed its normal pace.

Instantly on my feet, I rushed over to Percy, at this point too shell-shocked by the night's events to even cry. I aggressively kicked the hide of the hellhound aside as I ran past its corpse to crash so hard on my knees by my brother that my teeth shook.

"Percy, Percy!," I screamed trying to get a better look at him. By some miracle, Percy was still alive. I didn't want to look underneath the ruins of his shredded armor. I could see the red color staining all over his shirt and I knew he was badly cut. Another second, and the monster would've turned him into a hundred pounds of delicatessen meat. 

Chiron trotted up next to us, a bow in his hand, his face grim.

"Di immortales!" Annabeth said. "That's a hellhound from the Fields of Punishment. They don't... they're not supposed to..." "Someone summoned it," Chiron said. "Someone inside the camp."

I looked back over at the bank to see a gruff-looking Luke come over, the banner in his hand forgotten, his moment of glory gone. As I looked at the shocked and fearful faces of the campers around us I caught a glimpse of Markus. His face was shadowed by this red-plumed war helmet but I could guess that he also had a grim look on his face at the scene before him. I noted that he had a bow strung in his hand.

In the distance, Clarisse yelled, "It's all Percy's fault! Percy summoned it!"

I shot her the nastiest look to ever be thrown. The hell he did, I wanted to scream.

"Be quiet, child," Chiron told her. We watched the body of the hellhound melt into shadow, soaking into the ground until it disappeared. "You're wounded," Annabeth breathed out. "Quick, Cassie, get him in the water." "I'm okay," he said still a bit stunned.

"No, you're not," she said. "Chiron, watch this."

I think I was understanding what Annabeth was trying to get at. I gripped Percy's arm to help him up and said, "It's okay Percy just trust us." He nodded and I helped him stumble back into the creek, the whole camp gathering around us. 

Instantly, I felt better. No more fatigue and I stopped shaking from the fear. I felt strength and a sort of calm pulse through me. I looked down and could see the cuts on Percy's chest closing up. I stepped away as he straightened up feeling the same surge of energy that I did. Some of the campers gasped.

"Look, I—I don't know why," Percy said, trying to apologize. "I'm sorry...."

But they weren't watching his wounds heal. They were staring at something above his head. 

"Percy," Annabeth said, pointing. "Um..." By the time Percy and I looked up, the sign was already fading, but I could still make out the hologram of green light, spinning and gleaming. A three-tipped spear: a trident. But it was clearly only above his head.

"Your father," Annabeth murmured. "This is really not good."

"It is determined," Chiron announced. He stepped forward glancing my way in pity.

All around me, campers started kneeling, even the Ares cabin, though they didn't look happy about it. Markus's eyes felt like a burn on my skin as he lowered his head along with them.

"Our father?" I asked, completely bewildered. Still not getting it.

"Poseidon," said Chiron. "Earthshaker, Stormbringer, Father of Horses. Hail, Perseus Jackson, Son of the Sea God."

And that's when I finally understood what had happened.

My dad didn't claim me.

to be continued...

#percy jackson and the lightning thief #percy jackson and the olympians #percy jackson’s sister #percy jackson oc #pjo stuff #pjo series #pjo oc #pjo fandom #pjo #pjoverse #pjo fanfic #percy and cassie jackson #percy jackson #percy jackson fanfic #percy jackson fanfiction #sister of percy jackson fanfic #daughter of poseidon #daughter of poseidon fanfic #daughter of poseidon and the lightning thief #cassie jackson (oc) #cassie jackson and the olympians #cassie jackson fanfic #annabeth percy jackson #poseidon #son of poseidon #black annabeth #annabeth chase #grover underwood #greek mythology #rick riordan

[squirmydonnie]

Vent:

I am.causing my pain

I never know quite where to.look

But when I do. It's often recently been the wrong place

With people who.simply don't have the capacity for me

I hope that they do or will

But the truth is I can never be sure.

I forget that my parents are even an option sometimes.

They would hate to hear that.

And they will same the same things I'm used to.

Sometimes they surprise me.

I often only want more information about them. I don't want to hear your name old story you usually do. The same topic again. I liked hearing more. Not that it was positive things. It was sad things. But I still liked hearing it.

I get the need for.positive reinforcement. But I don't want to give it to you.

I've done it before, and it's become tired.

I don't really feel like it.

I didn't think very much about it before.

I didn't realise I was making a choice.

That I've been making the choice to not tell them.things.

I do it very regularly.

I think.i might be a more healthy individual if I did that from the start.

But I had seen it as something I would do on my own. As to not bother anyone with it.

In the same way I chose to not ask for clothes I liked, out of fear that money would squander.

I wish i wasn't perceptive.

Not that it doesn't do any good for me, but that it hurts me.so much.

Being aware only does you a bit of the work.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.

But it feels better to not be rushed.

Rushed by fear.

Even though I actually still am.

My dad told me I'm the first thing he's ever loved at first sight.

He's told me this a few times.

When driving me home from the hospital he couldn't stop looking at me through the mirror.

My mom had to keep reminding him to focus.

I've never heard him say anything like this about my mom.

It made me wonder if I'm the first thing he's ever loved at first sight, how he could treat me like this.

The way that he did. Because he's mostly stopped now.

But I've forced myself to remember. So I could understand why we are like this.

When I said that it may be a trust issue yesterday. I wished that I could have taken it back. So that he wouldn't think it was so seriously.

I want people to take me seriously but I'm also quite afraid of it.

I didn't want him to think things were more wrong then he already thought.

I guess that he probably should know, but it doesn't make me feel much better about saying it in the first place.

It made me wish I would have shut up. That I just wished I would have been able to so stay quiet like I normally do.

That just the once I'd be able to keep it in, like I do regularly.

But how could it be anything but mistrust when you do not see me.

When I came out it was a mistake.

It was supposed to be 2 years from now.

But I got so caught up in the emotion of the moment that I said it.

This time I was getting so tired of hearing the regular and more annoyance than usual, that I let it slip.

You see a lot about what I was like.

How I was before 5th grade.

He always says that.

He mentions 5th grade as if it's a maker about me. And everytime I don't know what he's saying about it.

5th grade was a turning point, but still what I'd say was a great year for me.

I enjoyed it greatly.

He even admitted that I didn't seem phased by graduating from the grade. So I never fully understood why he's held onto it so much.

He told me about something that happened at the playground once.

But to me because I don't remember it and I can't connect it much with problems I have now I don't really understand.

There weren't any kids my age there. They were all my brothers age or younger. I got sad. We were leaving. But a.girl came there who was my age. I asked to stay and then we did.

Its sweet of him to remember this. But I'm not quite sure what he means by the change.

I really wish that he would hurry up and tell me sooner. That he would just elaborate on it already.

Because he's been talking about it since 6th grade.

I may have an idea of what he's talking about. But I wish he was more specific.

I can't believe I stayed up until 6 today.

#cheeseburgerboy #lengthy

[lokisprettygirl]

Build me Up, Break me Down (Loki x Female Reader)

Read chapter 24 here// Series Masterlist

Chapter 25

Summary : You tell loki about your childhood and everything that happened after your mother died

Warning : Mentions of child abuse, abusive parenting, Statutory rape. 18+ Smut, Sex, God kink, Violent thoughts, murderous thoughts (it's loki)

His movements stopped but then he continued again, bringing you closer to the edge. You melted underneath him as he made you scream his name and it was loud enough for them to hear. Well you hoped so.

"Ohhh God we just sinned and how" he smiled as heard you and picked you up then he took you to the bathroom to clean you up, as soon as he was done, he wrapped your legs around him and brought you back to the bedroom. He made you sit down on the bed, you folded your knees placing your palm on your thighs, with one of your shoulder tilted forward in a sensuous manner, that gray shirt that you wore fitted your curves perfectly and that ridiculous pajama with teddy bear printed on them made you look so innocent and he wanted to ruin you but there were other important things he had to take care of first,

"Don't sit like that darling, sit properly" he placed his fingers on your chin to make you look at him

"Is this not proper dear god?" you puckered your lips a little and then you smiled, Little minx, he knew what you were doing

"Stop distracting me and sit properly alright?" you sighed and he sat next to you, you huffed and pulled your leg out from under you sitting properly

"I want to know everything"

"It wouldn't matter Loki, it's past, it happened you can't change it"

"I know I can't change it but I need to know more about the woman that I lo.. the woman that I care about, so are you going to tell me or not?" Your eyes teared up as he said that. He does care about you and he deserves to know

"Okay umm so I was six when my mom died" her memories pricked your heart, you didn't remember much but you remembered enough

"How did she die?" He linked his fingers with yours and you looked at him

"A car accident, Marcia is my step mother, I thought my dad loved mom and he loved me more than anything. I just have this one memory of being snuggled between my parents with a blanket and hot chocolate on that couch in the living room as we watched a Christmas movie, it was warm and safe. I remember her telling me stories about princesses and how sometimes they have to go through hardships and suffering to find their prince. As if she knew that she'd leave me and I would suffer" his eyes teared up and he wrapped his arm around your shoulder so you snuggled closer to him

"One night when we were coming back from a fare, my dad was driving and I was in the backseat, my mom was so happy, smiling, I had a cotton candy in my hand that I dropped and she took her seat belt off as she heard me crying, my dad was so concerned that she took her seat belt off that he missed the car running straight into us, she died on the spot, took her only few seconds and she was gone"

You would forget everything, you are good at repressing your memories, that's how you have survived all those horrible events, but you'd never forget that day. You have suffered so much since as a child, Loki knew the more you tell about him, it's only going to get worse and he wasn't wrong

"My dad blamed me for the accident, I remember him charging towards me in the hospital as he screamed in my face that it was my fault, I dropped the cotton candy, if it wasn't for me she'd be alive and then he said.." you sniffled and he tightened his grip around you

"He said that he wished it was me instead of her who died that day, that's how I have felt too all my life, I wished it was me instead of her because if she was here my dad would have been happier" he shook his head and pressed soft kisses on your cheeks, he wiped your tears but they kept coming. His father left him to die so he understood some of the pain you were sharing with him. He felt so angry, you were right he did want to kill your father at that moment, what kind of monster would say that to a child? Their own child.

"It wasn't your fault my precious girl, none of it was your fault, your father projected his own guilt on you, your mother would never blame you for it you know that right?" You nodded as he said that, he wasn't wrong but you somehow felt responsible for her death. You always did, and it was only because she died so early that you never gave up on your life, because you knew she would never want that for you.

"Marcia, my step mom, was my mom's best friend, but as soon as she died, she started visiting my dad frequently. They were all in high school together and knew each other very well. She had two daughters from her ex husband, Bonny and Claire. They were around my age when my dad married her, he married her 5 months after my mom died, just like that. She was replaced by Marcia and I was replaced by her daughters. A lot of awful things have happened in my life but you know what's my worst memory?" He kissed your forehead as you said that, his fingers rubbed your shoulders soothingly as he nudged you to continue

"Watching my dad snuggling with Marcia and her daughters as they watched a movie together on that same couch, that's my worst memory"

He couldn't stop his own tears, it was getting harder and harder for him to listen to you, everyone failed you in life including him, he looked back at the time when he met you and how awful he was with you. How he punished you for dancing and having fun and made you sleep on the floor, how he called you a whore and made you feel worthless. Maybe that's why you didn't want to tell him everything

"Where were you at the time, did they isolate you?" He asked you and you nodded

"I was sitting on the floor. Marcia told me to be grateful that she was allowing me to watch tv, they made me drop out of school and I learned to cook when I was 7, I'd make breakfast, lunch and dinner sometimes, Marcia made me wake up around 6 in the morning, the only time I ever got to live normally was whenever grandma visited, she taught me to read and brought books for me, she took me to eat ice cream, they didn't treat me as badly in front of her but as soon as she was gone, I was shoved in that room under the stairs, forgotten and replaced, so that's it that's my story" you looked at him and his cheeks seemed flushed with tears, so you wiped them away

"When did you run away from here, what pushed you?" He asked you and you shook your head, you didn't want to tell him the truth, you knew it would bother him

"Don't make me tell you that Loki, you don't want to hear that trust me"

"I need to hear that darling, so please tell me" you wrapped your arms around his neck and broke down, if you thought your life was horrible as a kid it got worse when you grew up a little

"I was 14, Marcia's brother David.."

"The man that I met?" He asked you and you nodded

"He started touching me inappropriately, at first he would just make me sit on his lap, gave me chocolates which I loved because I never got to have that, told me that he'd help me, but he just wanted to hurt me, I had turned 16 and for summer while dad took Marcia and her kids on a vacation, I was sent to live with David and his family, a free servant for the summer, David had never gone beyond touching me and have me touch him before but.." his jaw clenched as he realised where this was going

"He raped me and took my virginity while I lived with them. Then his son did the same thing, I liked his older son Martin he told me that he'd help me get out of there if I sleep with him, but he was lying, of course, just like his father, they were all the same. When his wife found out she beat me up and blamed me for seducing her husband because that's what he told her, I was raped at night and then beaten up in the morning, that went on for whole summer until I returned here, David told Marcia that I was trying to corrupt his sons with my whorish behaviour, so I was beaten again, my dad stood there and watched them hurt me because he didn't believe me either, nobody ever did"

You were not crying anymore, you looked at him to find a hint of judgment in his eyes but there was none. He didn't judge you, he believed in you. You could tell all of this information was burdening him, it was too much at once but he wanted to know everything, he stood up and started pacing around the room, his hands went through his hair, he looked distraught and you could see that gleam in his eyes that you recognised from the day he killed those men. He wanted to kill again.

"When I turned 18 my grandma gave me money and a train ticket so I could run away from here, my dad had her living in an old age home so she gave me the number and asked me to contact her, that was the last time I saw her or heard from her, when I found my way to New York I called her but they had her shifted to another home" he walked towards you and sat down in front of you. They just had to take away that one person who provided you a semblance of comfort

"That's why you couldn't get in touch with her because they didn't allow you to. That bastard went to the kitchen in the morning to see you, did he touch you?" He remembered how scared you felt and how you almost stabbed him and he had to know if that man had hurt you right under his nose

"He didn't touch me but he said that he would. I told him to not mess with me anymore because I had you now, and he couldn't figure out why would a man like you ever want to be with me" that was it, he didn't know if it was the lack of emotions as you uttered those words or the broken look on your face but that's when he placed his head down on your lap and cried like a baby, you have never seen him this vulnerable not even when he shared his own hurtful past.

Your own tears seemed uncontrollable after that, you caressed his head and his back soothingly, you never wanted to tell him all that and have him feel bad for you. But it was impossible for him to not feel so, you ran away from here in the hope that it'd make your life better and for a while it was better but then you met that horrible man and he knew what happened after that.

"Loki stop crying please" you mumbled softly and he looked at you

"I have done the same thing to you that they all did, why do you love me darling? Why do you even care for me? I don't deserve your care, I don't even deserve to touch you" you shook your head desperately to stop him from saying that

"Don't say that Loki please, you're not like them, I know looking back at our time together and how we met, it might seem that way. You were rude and mean to me yes, but you didn't harm me, you never crossed that line and you're a good man even if you don't want to believe it"

"No I am not darling, I'm not, I made you feel worthless and I made you sleep in the bathroom, I made you feel replaced too didn't I?" Your eyes teared up as he said that

"It doesn't matter anymore Loki, you apologized and I know you would never hurt me just to hurt me, I know you would never take advantage of me like they did" he was angry so angry and he wanted you to be upset with him too, maybe that would lessen the guilt that he felt but you are so kind and lovable, you forgave him when he didn't deserve your forgiveness.

After everything that you suffered you didn't deserve for a god to play you like that. He remembered the day he faked an illusion to trick you into releasing him, even after all the betrayal that you faced in life, your pure and kind heart didn't even think for a second and your first instinct was to check up on him because he faked being hurt.

Why would anyone hurt an angel like you? Why did he hurt you like that?

"Is there anything else I need to know? Did your dad ever assault you?"

"He hit me sometimes but that was it" he wiped his tears and he pulled you in his arms to hug you tightly. The hurt, the abuse, recurring sexual assaults, you took all of that, you survived it and somehow you still had so much of love to give to everyone not just him.

"I don't want you to feel bad about me Loki"

"I'm not feeling bad, I'm angry, so livid, and I just want them to suffer, it would never be enough, no matter how I go about this, what they did with you I would never be able to avenge it. They were supposed to protect you, all those men" he groaned in frustration so you cupped his cheeks to make him look at you

"Only one man has ever protected me Loki and it's you. If you wonder why I'm so charmed by you, it's because after all the suffering and hardships I did find my prince, not even in metaphorical sense but an actual prince and that's why I'm so grateful because there are several people out there who suffered the same as me and are still suffering but they didn't find you or someone like you, but I was lucky that I did and I need you my god"

He cupped your cheeks and placed his lips on yours as he kissed you softly, it wasn't sexual, just a very gentle romantic kiss

"You don't need me sweetheart, you want me, there's a difference, you're so strong my darling, so so brave and I can't begin to tell you how proud I am that you kept going, that you held on even though this life gave you every reason to not. And you're just a mortal, you don't possess any powers like us gods do but you my darling, you don't even need any of that, your strength is insurmountable. You're a pure goddess in a human form"

You clutched the hem of his shirt as you pulled him closer to you, he might think that you don't need him but you do, every inch of you craves him, you need him more than you need the air to breathe.

"You smell so good, everytime I feel unsafe I just try to remember your scent and it brings me comfort" you inhaled his sweet but manly scent, you were about to take his shirt off when you both heard the knock on the door.

"Fucking norns" he calmed himself down by using magic as he opened the door and he was met with the sight of your step sister Bonny. What was she wearing he wondered, he could see everything through that sheer nightgown she had on. He was disgusted, utterly disgusted, this woman was trying to seduce him for some reason and all he felt was pure hatred towards every member of this freak family.

"What do you want?" He asked her and she batted her eyelashes

"Just wanted to give you company, you must feel lonely" she giggled as she twirled her fingers through her hair. Oh he wanted to snap her neck in half. Brutally. Before he could say anything he felt your arms wrapping around his waist and you peaked your head out from behind him, placing it on his bicep

"He have a company Miss Bonny" you placed a soft kiss on his arm and you could see her face falling then she got angry, he placed his hand on yours and caressed it with his thumb like he always does

"Wait until mom hears about this, you both can't sleep in the same room" she huffed, stomped her feet like a child and then turned around to leave. Why was she even wearing that thing you wondered?

"I'm sorry you had to see that" you pressed a kiss on his cheek and he smiled

"Trust me darling I am terribly sorry too" he slammed the door shut, and locked it. In a minute he had you pressed against it

"You want me to touch you sweetheart?" His voice was gentle in your ears, he always cared about your consent, he treated you like he would break you but now you knew it wasn't because he pitied you or thought of you as weak but because he cared about you and being gentle with you brought him comfort too

"Always" you took his shirt off and he wanted to rip yours but he took it off like a normal human being would

"I hope you know that I'm going to kill that bastard " you bit on your lips as he said that. Just something about him wanting to hurt David turned you on so greatly, but you couldn't have him do that

"Don't do that loki, he have a family"

"Yeah a family of freaks who are equally as horrible as him" he took you to the bed, turned the lights off and made you sit down on it, you got on your knees and took his cock out of the confinement of his pants. He moaned as you stroked him slowly, you could feel him growing harder in your fist, then you looked up at him so innocently, it swelled his heart

"Please god, please show mercy" your other arm wrapped around his neck and you sucked on his neck, he moaned as he felt several sensations all at once

"He does not deserve it darling, you know that" he gripped the back of your neck with one hand and other one pulled your pajamas down, then you felt his fingers playing with your lips again, your hands pleased each other as you continued to have an insanely normal conversation about him wanting to kill the man who hurt you. You bit on his shoulder as his middle finger slipped inside you

"I know he doesn't, I know that, make him suffer if you have to, but don't kill him" his eyes darkened as you said that

"Oh I like that, I like that a lot actually. How should I make him suffer?" You bit on your lips again as he asked you that, he was twisted and you didn't mind that side of his either, instead of putting out the burning fire he carried in him you poured gasoline over it and flamed it even more. He took your pants off and laid you down on the bed, he spread your legs apart and you felt his cock rubbing against your slit

"You're the god of mischief, figure it out" he snickered as you said that, he placed his arms next to your head as he thrusted in slowly, inch by inch, he watched your mouth open and close as you felt him stretching you out, whatever you told him today enraged him, it made him angry and frustrated, it made him feel so protective of you, even more than before if it was possible, but this is the only way he was able to show you how much he adored you, by fucking your brains out until you were all floaty and happy, until he was the only thought inside that pretty head, until you'd forget some of that anguish you must feel.

"You sheath me so well darling with your lips all stretched out so wide on my girth, I wish you could see how pretty your quim looks when she's wrapped around my cock" you placed your fingers on his lips as the dirty words spilled so smoothly out of his godly mouth. He pumped in and out of you slowly, he wanted to savor this moment with you, he needed you as much as you needed him. You gasped as you heard a knock on the door

"It's okay, ignore that princess, focus on me, focus on your god and how he feels inside you" you moaned loudly at his words

"So good ..oh god you fill me up so good" he leaned down to kiss you, his tongue played with yours, he didn't want to let go, it was sloppy and messy and that's exactly what you both needed, he kissed down from your jaw to your throat and then your nipples one by one before he sucked on them

"Lokii?" You called out to him making him hum in response and he grabbed your hand in his, he kissed on your palm and you watched his breathing go ragged as he increased his thrusts

"If I pray to you when you're far away from me, would you hear me?" He looked at you surprised as you said that

"Is that what you want darling?" You nodded and that turned him on more, he pictured his sweet mortal on her knees just praying to him when he was far and calling out for him.

"I want you to own me Loki, I want to submit myself to you completely"

"Oh little one do not entice me like that" he wanted to last longer but you weren't showing him mercy with that mouth of yours

"I'm serious Loki, I just .. I need you to make me yours in every possible way, you're everything to me now, my guardian, my lover, my protector, my only religion and the only god I'd ever kneel for"

"You already do, you're already all mine, you please me like nobody else, and you can kneel for me whenever you want, I do enjoy my sweet girl down on her knees for me, whatever you need you can pray for your wishes darling, I will answer all of your prayers, each and every one of them I promise, your god will take care of you" he groaned as his orgasm sneaked up on him slowly,

"That would be heavenly, I just want to serve you forever, bless me my god please, I need it, please please please" you whined underneath him and your walls clenched around him, you couldn't control it, his words pushed you over the edge. Maybe someday he can project his memories of you like this for you and show you how pretty you are to him.

Your body thrashed under him and he relished every second of the mind numbing gratification. As the high went down he started to feel grateful that he was able to read the signs and he didn't allow you to come here alone, his heart clenched as he thought about this loathsome family hurting you again if you were all alone here, he got angry again as he thought of you being alone here and what monstrosity they would subject you to If he wasn't here making sweet safe love to you right now.

Making love. That's what he was doing, that's what he has been doing for a long time. Never in his thousand years he had treated a woman so tenderly, sex was a physical need that he had to satiate, just two animals mating to satisfy their carnal desires, but with you it all came naturally to him. The tenderness, the soft whisper of worship and devotion, the gentle loving kisses and the way he could just look into your eyes as he came inside you, it all came naturally to him, he never had to force it.

He knew you didn't think of him just as a lover, he knew he was fulfilling several needs of yours, but the knowledge of him having such an effect on you made him feel worthy, for once in his life he felt worthy of having someone's genuine affection.

Even though he knew he didn't deserve it, he was born to cause suffering but somehow he became the reason your suffering ended. And he wished to keep it that way. He'd never forgive himself if someone was to hurt you again.

"You're lost somewhere" your voice snapped him out of his mind and he leaned down to kiss you

"I was merely thinking of you my love"

It wasn't a lie. But he has been hiding things from you, things that might change the way you perceive him. He wasn't the benevolent god but a murderer and that's who he will always be, he only hoped that you'd still want him once he shows you his truth and he hoped that you'd still desire him once you see him in his real form. Because losing a war would only hurt his ego, losing your affection on the other hand? it would vanquish him.

"When we go back, I'd like to live with you loki, not in the tower but maybe you can live with me at my new place, it won't be luxurious but it will be home"

A home. That brought a smile to his face.

You mumbled softly as he held you in his arms and snuggled you

"We can find something together darling, do not worry about that, get your sleep now my beloved, long day tomorrow I assume" you sighed as you thought about the funeral.

As you fell asleep in his arms he could only think about the horrible things these people have put you through. He could only think of the ways he could avenge you.

And he promised himself that he would make all of these people suffer whether you want it or not.

💚❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚❤️

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#loki #loki x female reader #loki x reader smut #loki x reader angst #loki x reader fluff #loki x reader #loki x reader insert #loki x reader fic #loki x you #post avengers loki

[silver-wield]

Some zerith is bringing back your zack is a cockhold tweet and they're offended that they feel they ain't welcome in the CT fandom. You'll see some CTs completely be dense why you have those opinions lol. I think they forget that you're not just a Tifa fan and that you actually like Zack a lot. That tweet was supposed to be sarcastic af because aerith isn't really doing the bare minimum of what we wish we could see from her. She's been disrespectful of cloti's (cloud especially) privacy and space. She doesn't care about her new friend's feelings, neither does she remembers her own mother. If you look at her and see beyond the lenses of rose colored glasses? She's honestly a character with such wasted potential. I honestly had to wake myself up reading her TOTP part. Maybe if she was actually shown to care about her own narrative (her parents, more cetra and shinra lore) more than just boys in the game, it would have been sold on me. Those points are honestly so brushed aside you only actually remember about her is flirting with boys and she died.

It's cute tho when they police a CT's opinion. They're acting like a cult for goodness sake. I'm a CT, I have my own opinion. I wont just follow what others think for the sake of being a "good" CT. Wtf does that even mean lol. Not hating any character? Not criticizing any character? Not expecting responsibility for their shitty actions so they wouldn't be a mary sue? I've seen their thought process tho, they're one of those who like to keep this echo chamber that aerith's just a match maker w/o realizing how stupid af that is. It'll only end up hurting tifa and making cloud uncomfortable. They're trying so hard to still like aerith, it's actually telling. Nobody has to try so hard liking zack, cloud and tifa people.

Some CTs sometimes like to act superior but don't realize they're also in a cult. If they can't defend aerith other than "she's beloved, they wouldn't make her a trash" and other mental gymnastics about what should be blah blah, then that isn't it. The writer has already failed to naturally make her likable unless you wield it to be like a few on copium I've seen already.

Funny how people trawl through my twitter just looking for things to be "outraged" about when they know for a fact I don't like Aerith and refuse to act like she's not some slimy bitch and Zack is being cuckolded by her.

Zack deserves better.

And it's also funny how they'll get all irate over their precious pink trashbag and expect the "good clotis" to come to their aid, but they're fucking silent af when it comes to defending Tifa or clotis against the constant barrage of harassment and hate we get daily.

So excuse me for not really giving a shit about their hurty feewings and forced delusion that she's "perfect" over a character with shitty traits that are shown in the game, but they started it by never standing up for any of us.

#ship war #for the fandom