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karrenseely · 2 months

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Emotional Regulation

So I have CPTSD. Everything I've read mostly points to this being a lifelong condition (yay :P) that is incredibly difficult for all of us whom suffer from it. I know it has been for me. I honestly don't know if I'd have developed it if my parents had been loving, supportive, and understanding like they should have. Because, even if they had been, I would still have likely had many many years of gas lighting from society, them, and my extended family to be a gender other than what I was. And that takes its toll on anyone's psyche.

But who knows, maybe if they'd been really supportive, then I wouldn't have had years of thinking I was crazy or shameful, maybe I would have transitioned really young as soon as I could tell them they were wrong. Then all I'd have to deal with is some body dysphoria. But then even that can take its toll as well. So I really couldn't say if I was destined to have this incredibly difficult mental health condition or not.

Either way, I really wish I'd had the loving supportive family every child deserves. I really wish I didn't find my psyche shattering as I grew up, getting stuck repeatedly at every traumatic event that I can remember, and actively forgetting everything I couldn't along with most of my other memories. Such that now, my memories consist of shattered disorganized shards scattered over the floor, most of those shards long since missing. It's really difficult to live when all you really have is now.

People talk about their childhoods like there's this linear well established timeline in their memories. It was a long time before I realized this was the typical way people remember their past. That for most people, they can remember approximately when such a memory occurred, in sequence with another. Even now, this is so foreign to me. I remember things in disjointed pieces, any one memory is not connected to any other. And few, if any, are connected to a specific time that I can locate.

Then there is the ability to remember what you did yesterday, or last week, or even last month in day to day life. That it's hard to know what's happened and what's been done recently. This was particularly bad when I was dissociating all the time, fortunately, therapy has helped with that part, and I don't do it as much and I can remember more of my day to day life. But even now, there are still significant holes in my memories of adult life. And admittedly as I struggle through my current flare of CPTSD symptoms, I sometimes wish I could dissociate like I used to so that I don't have to feel all of this horrible stuff. It hurts like hell.

If someone created the universe, they must be one of the most sadistic assholes to have ever existed, making it so healing is so effing painful, much less making thinking feeling beings feed off of one another.

In this journey of trying to heal, I've encountered many people talking about how, when we were abused as children we didn't develop our emotional regulation skills like normal loved, unabused kids do. I always found these comments or suppositions confusing. In large part due to the fact that I don't really understand what emotional regulation means. As a child, trying to survive, the only thing that worked, that made things even remotely bearable was dampening down on emotions until I didn't feel hardly anything at all. I wasn't particularly good at this, I still had feelings but they were distorted hazy half hearted things that would escape out, usually as anger, irritability, sadness, often fear, sometimes even joy would get out. But none were fully formed, or fully embraced, because if I did, then the pain would be in full force, the shame, the horror I constantly felt at what I was going through. So I did my best to damp down my emotions to almost nothing, and dissociate as much as I could so that I didn't have to feel or atleast remember feeling all those horrible things I felt. And the plus side to dissociation is that you truly only live in the moment. You can forget so much that way. You can ride the bus to school, but not remember any of it, just one moment you're at home and the next, poof, you're at school, and the next, poof, it's time to go home again and get on the bus, and poof the next you're at home again... you get the idea.

Emotions when all of the above were unsuccessful and I felt them anyway, usually it was the really really bad ones. And they were felt at 120% full blast. It was either 10 mph, or 120 mph. No inbetween. But people who talk about the ability to regulate emotions describe it as having inbetweens. Not having to feel the full blast, but not suppressing it completely either.

For the longest time when I encountered that phrase around emotional regulation, my mind just skittered past it, as it didn't make any sense to me. But I found myself thinking about it a couple months ago. And some kind fellow people with CPTSD pointed me to links that helped to explain the concept... except, those links were mostly just confusing. And unfortunately, my brain interpreted them as, "you are deficient, you're inability to regulate is your fault." Which didn't help. I honestly don't know if those explanations actually implied that, but it's what it felt like. Maybe because I didn't understand what they were saying.

Then... recently I returned to work, full time. And an interesting, if sucky, thing happened. I was fine at work, I could joke, I could laugh and have fun with coworkers and feel empathy for my patients and basically function somewhat like a typical human being in what I imagine is a healthy fashion. But as soon as I left work and went home, I had no energy left to keep the intrusive memories and emotions in check. And I would immediately start to crash. Spiraling down the rabbit hole of all those horrible memories. Nothing had specifically triggered them, it's just I ran out of spoons and they took over. I'd used up all my spoons at work.

Obviously, I'd overestimated my ability to return to full time work, but also it felt like there was an insight here. And it came down to my emotional bandwidth. If I had enough emotional energy, enough spoons, then minor triggers that normally would have lead me back down that lovely negative spiral, wouldn't actually set me off, and I could continue to function. And this was the neat part, I could continue to function without having all my walls slam down and turn everything numb. But, if I run out of that energy, if I run out of those spoons, then any little thing can set me down that self destructive spiral.

And the more I've thought about this, the more I think this is what people mean when they talk about emotional regulation. That most people have a large fount of this emotional energy to buffer against the extremes. And thus can handle day to day joys, stresses and hurtful things without completely falling apart. If this is the case then I guess I've developed some emotional regulation after all, though it's limited.

But why is it so limited? Why didn't I have any before? And the more I look at it. I see it in terms of bandwidth, energy, and/or spoons. Before, when I was having to live in survival mode, all of my emotional energy was being used to just survive. I was constantly in fight or flight. There was no energy to spare for nuance. My bandwidth was incredibly limited because so much of it was taken up with just surviving from one day to the next, with constant vigilance. But when we are no longer in those situations, and just as importantly, when we are not constantly flashing back to those situations, we start to have that bandwidth become available for the nuance. We can start feeling things in between because we have the energy to do so. It's no longer entirely about survive or die.

And that's the worst part about flashbacks. Even though I'm no longer in that constant life or death situation, those flashbacks have me believing I am. And contrary to popular media's depiction of flashbacks, most of the time it's not getting stuck in a living visual memory of an event. No, the vast majority of those flashbacks are emotional flashbacks. Getting stuck in the feelings of the event, the feelings I couldn't suppress anymore, the constant feeling of being in danger, of having my life, my very existence threatened, which brings on the constant sense of danger, of fight or flight. Which means, no emotional energy for anything else, except the extremes. Everything in my life currently can be perfectly fine, safe, wonderful even. But if I'm stuck in an emotional flashback, none of the current circumstances matter, because I'm emotionally back in survival mode, feeling constantly threatened, trying to survive, trying to decide if I need to fight or run. And if I'm stuck there... then there isn't any emotional energy left for anything else.

The really effing sucky part, is that often I don't know I'm in an emotional flashback until after it's gone away, and I can see looking back that how I was feeling didn't fit at all with what was actually happening at the time. I reacted to an outside observer in a rather extreme, or worse in a completely irrational manner. But then when I'm in the middle of it, I guess it's understandable that I have a hard time recognizing it, as all my energy is directed towards surviving, towards keeping the pain and my fears at bay.

So maybe emotional regulation is just having enough emotional energy to filter the experiences you're having into a much more nuanced pattern, rather than having to sort things into binary extremes of bad, not bad. And if that's the case, then maybe, just maybe, I am healing, because I'm starting to free up some of my bandwidth to start sorting out the nuances... even if I can't quite identify what those nuances are yet.

#trans #transgender #lgbt+#lgbtqia #lgbt #trans kids #childhood trauma #complex ptsd #trauma #family #Emotional regulation #mental health #coping #emotional flashbacks #flashbacks #emotional energy #emotional bandwidth #lgbtqia+#queer

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theearthforce · 1 year

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Control where you put your focus, then you control your emotions.

Since your manifestations are tied to where you have been investing your emotional energies, as a result you also control what you are attracting into your life.

Photo credit: Photo by Rakicevic Nenad (x)

#new age #spiritual #spirituality #master your focus #master the world #master your emotion #master your emotions #control your emotion #control your emotions #manifestation #manifestations #emotional energy #Law of Attraction #theearthforce

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yourmentalhealthpal · 2 years

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Your energy comes from your emotions, and different emotions activate at different phases of life. To learn more about What Drains Your Emotional Energy And How To Manage It visit https://yourmentalhealthpal.com/emotional-energy/

#Emotional energy #Energy #Emotional #Emotions #self improvement #self care #mental health #mental health awareness #yourmentalhealthpal

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self2wealth · 2 months

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Life is a masterpiece, and you hold the paintbrush. 🎨

Every step you take to make your life better is like every stroke of the brush that fills your canvas with colour.

You only get a complete masterpiece by putting in hours of work.

So never expect that you might achieve your desires without the hard and smart work that goes behind the scenes.

Explore the canvas of "You Can Live Rich" to discover the brushstrokes of holistic success and real Richness in Health, Thoughts, Emotions, Social Relationships, and Career/Business!

Order your copy now 👇 https://www.amazon.in/dp/8119401921

All my international friends, fans, mentees can place order 👇 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CW1DQJCR

🌟 #MasterpieceLife #YouCanLiveRich #ExploreSuccess

#youcanliverich #self2wealth #personal development #balancedlife #physicalenergy #mind energy #emotional energy

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nativeyoga · 3 months

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Marilyn Haifa - Extreme Yin Yoga: Exploring the Power of Energy and Mindfulness

Listen to podcast with Marilyn for FREE Here In this episode of the Native Yoga Toddcast, Todd interviews Marilyn Haifa, a professional yoga teacher and practitioner. Marilyn shares her journey into yoga, starting with her first Bikram yoga class in San Diego, where she immediately felt a deep connection to the practice. She discusses the importance of grounding and finding purpose in the body…

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succulentsiren · 11 days

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Things women should never feel ashamed of:

• Orgasms

• Receiving money

• Receiving compliments

• Pretty privilege

• Being smart

• Dressing up

• Menstrual cycles

• Emotions and being sensitive

• Expressing our sexuality

• Resting and relaxation

• Asserting our sexual needs

• Maintaining our standards

• Saying No

• Wanting or having children

• Choosing to be childfree

• Our body count

• Our nude body

• Wearing makeup or not wearing makeup

• Having boundaries and protecting ourselves

• Our spiritual practices

• Using witchcraft

• Being ambitious

• Going to college

• Being a housewife or stay at home mom

• Loving who and what we love

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chaotictheythembard · 1 year

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I’m sad and when I’m sad I need to get into a new fandom but I don’t have the emotional energy necessary to get into a new fandom and therefore I am sad

Can you see the problem?

#fandoms #sad #emotional energy

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grahamstoney · 15 years

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Mastering Emotions at Passionately Alive

New Post has been published on https://grahamstoney.com/emotions/mastering-emotions-passionately-alive

Mastering Emotions at Passionately Alive

I often feel that my emotions are running my life. When it comes to happiness, joy, peace and love, that’s fine by me; but when it’s fear, sadness, anxiety, loneliness or depression, that’s not so good. We like to think that we’re in conscious control of our lives all the time, but the reality is that everything we do is driven by an emotion of one sort or another. We’re constantly either seeking the pleasant emotions or avoiding the unpleasant ones. Our emotions exist in our subconscious, so we often aren’t consciously aware of them until they pop up strongly enough to interrupt what we’re doing and make their presence felt. But they still play their role whether we acknowledge it or not; and if we ignore them, they just get louder and stronger until we start paying attention.

Our society places a premium analytical thinking and often downplays the importance of emotions. We learn very little about the role of emotions in our lives at school or university; which is ironic considering that it’s not our analytical thinking that is driving our behaviour: it’s our emotions. If we really want to get a handle on running our lives more effectively, we need to deal with how we feel. As a guy growing up in a family where emotions weren’t generally expressed directly but were often bottled up, I had lots of practice at pushing down how I felt for many years. Yet I always knew I had strong feelings; I just felt out of place in a family and society where they didn’t seem to be recognised. A bit like a square peg in a round hole. Not surprisingly, when I did start to deal with some of the emotional pain I had experienced in life, it wasn’t particularly pleasant. But it was either that, or suffer an awful loneliness, anxiety and depression. Emotions are the key binding force between people and being able to recognise and express them is essential for having really meaningful relationships. Empathy is the basis of all deep connections between us, and unless we know how to express how we feel, that’s not going to work so well.

My 20-year career in engineering was great fun while it lasted, but none of the training or on-the-job experience dealt with the topic of emotions. So I figure I have some catch-up work to do. Many women I meet complain about their disillusionment with men who are “like robots” when it comes to their emotional availability: workaholics, perfectionists, pessimists; all working hard to avoid how they feel or just lacking the skills or practise at expressing it. I don’t want to be one of them any more. Coming down with chronic fatigue 14 months ago also had a huge impact on me; one of its common symptoms is that feeling tired and sick all the time tends to magnify any unpleasant emotions; and it’s the emotional and psychological toll that this takes more than the physical illness which causes me suffering.

With all this is mind, I recently drove 900 km from Sydney to Melbourne to attend Nicholas de Castella’s Passionately Alive workshop on emotional mastery. I knew that a theoretical knowledge of emotions wasn’t going to cut it; I had to actually experience how I really felt, pleasant or unpleasant, to release the bottled up emotional energy and get a better handle on dealing with my emotions. I had met Nicholas briefly once before, and from what I read in his Heart Thoughts newsletter, I could see that he was the real deal when it came to putting emotional intelligence into practise and could provide a safe environment for doing so. We also had a bit in common: being the “sensitive” one in families where this hadn’t been validated, left-brained careers that ultimately became unfulfilling, and even the chronic fatigue thing. Nicholas seemed like a compassionate man, and I was pretty sure I’d be able to relate to what he had to say.

I knew I was tuned-in and ready for getting in touch with my emotions even before I arrived: A guy in the barber in Albury had suggested I take a back route to The Basin east of Melbourne, which took me past the turn-off to King Lake, a suburb devastated by recent bushfires with tragic loss of life and property. From far-off Sydney, the bushfires had been a media-frenzy far away, but I felt an immediate sense of heaviness as I drove through the burnt-out forest towards the workshop.

The workshop itself consisted of a 3½ day residential with a series of small group exercises and sharing in pairs. Each day built upon the previous one, as Nicholas shared his insights into the role of our emotions. We laughed, we cried, we danced, we sang, we got angry, we yelled and screamed, and we allowed ourselves to feel whatever we felt without being judged for it. It was all very cathartic. The process was intense, but I never felt anxious about what Nicholas was going to get us to do next. It was tremendously moving, and it was remarkable how close the group felt to each other due to the sharing that was going on and the respect we all showed for each other’s journey through life. During a Breathwork session, I literally felt emotional energy buzzing in my body for the first time.

There’s still a voice from the rational part of my brain that jumps in every now and then while doing any kind of emotional exercise to say that “this is ridiculous!”. Usually it sounds a lot like my mother. But I’m learning to not listen to it so much any more, go with my intuition and listen to my feelings instead. The emotion I struggle with the most is anxiety: it’s not always giving me helpful clues and more often than not, it seems to be getting in the way. Shame gets in the way too, big time. Both stop me from being free to be myself, to do what I want and have the life I truly desire.

Before Passionately Alive, I was feeling pretty anxious about a lot of things: my career, my relationships, and what I was doing with my life generally. At the workshop, I got a lot of my buried feelings off my chest, met other people willing to work at mastering their emotions too, and learned some new tools for continuing to do so in the future. I feel more peaceful now. I had a dream one night shortly after where I was being attacked by a robber, and as I woke in a state of panic I felt the fear rush through my body and leave, rather than hanging around like it used to do. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes wondering “where is my life all heading?”, but I’ve got more of a sense that I’m on the right track, whatever that is.

I wish all my friends and family would do things like Passionately Alive, so that we can all have deeper more meaningful relationships. This is the stuff that makes life worth living. If you struggle to find peace in your life or would like to be handling your emotions better, I highly recommend Passionately Alive. One of the ironies my group recognised was that the people who probably needed this training the most were the least likely to recognise it. So if you’ve never had any sort of training or therapy on the topic of emotions, but you just find some areas of life aren’t working as well as you’d like or you keep pushing other people away or pissing them off repeatedly, perhaps this is just what the doctor ordered for you too.

For more information on how you can get your emotions to work for rather than against you, check the Institute of Heart Intelligence website. If you register for Passionately Alive, please mention this website and my name to Nicholas, tell him I sent you.

#emotional energy #emotional intelligence #emotional mastery #empathy #heart intelligence #Nicholas de Castella #psychology #Emotions

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vantagerecoverypoint · 1 year

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What is Emotional Energy?

When physical imbalances, stress, and poor food are ruled out, emotional energy may be the major cause of low energy levels. People with low emotional energy may lament that they constantly feel exhausted or dull and drained. They need to examine their emotional life and figure out what can be addressed and healed through greater mental health to solve this lack of energy. To know more about how low emotional energy affects our body and mind, read here.

#Emotional Energy #Mental Health #Addiction Treatment #Mental Health Treatment #Addiction Treatment Center

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sweetteafrances · 1 year

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My new years resolution is to ignore the porn spam bots. They were kind of freaking me out when they first appaared then they were pissing me off. But that is way more of my time and emotions than they deserve. So I'm going to ignore them and at the end of the year we can see how many more "followers" I have.

#I have 150 followers on this blog #craft blog #And 813 followers on my disability blog #chronic illness blogging #followers #pornbots #my new years resolution #emotional energy

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selfdiscoverymedia · 1 year

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YH22-51. Jane Wenning, Loving you is Healthy

Your Health is Your Choice with Sara Troy, and her guest Jane Wenning, on air December 13th Health is the absence of illness and injury in conjunction with mental, physical and social well being. It is simply not enough to try and outrun a bad diet to achieve health. To live your best life, what you look like in the mirror is part of the picture. Getting the number of days you are healthy and…

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#and Movement #Emotional Energy #Jane Wenning #Loving you is Healthy #nutrition #Orchard of Wisdom #recovery #Sara Troy #Self Discovery Media Network #yOUR hEALTH YOUR CHOICE

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howlonomy · 2 months

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Yes hello, Really enjoying the Monster Clover AU stuff so far but now a question burns in my noggin... What were Ceroba's and Martlet's first impressions/responses/reactions to when they saw Clovers new look?