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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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Hi, I was reading your post about Jason punching Dick in the face when Dick revealed he fake his death was bullshit ( which it was) and it reminded me of an issue/question that has bothered me for sometime.

Why did people believe Dick was actually dead?

I’m not the most avid comic reader so maybe I missed something but it was always weird to me that everyone just accepted this especially given how Bruce was acting or should I say wasn’t acting.

This is a man when his child died another child had to come along and told him sir you are being too violent and emotional you need supervision. When his other child died he went all over the universe to bring him back to life because he knew it was possible ( which was happening at the same time), so why didn’t anyone think it was weird he wasn’t doing that for Dick. Can you imagine Dick really dying that soon after Damian it would be injustice Batman Version. You are telling me that Tim, Jason or Barbara didn’t think it was weird that Bruce didn’t also bring Dick’s corpse to the bring Damian back to life mission or mention it to themselves. Like what more likely Dick dead and Bruce is handling it well or that he fake his death to do something stupid and Dangerous after his partner/brother/ little bit my son the feelings are complicated died after he was knocked out and woke up to his corpse.

Oh man, this is like, the entire nature of my beef?

(Slight derail just to emphasize the fact real quick that Dick DID actually die, he was just revived quickly, but like, the trauma of his death was very real and its not like anyone was clued into Luthor having a resurrection backdoor built into his literal murder of Dick in the actual moment of it happening. So Dick’s death wasn’t fake, and additionally, he didn’t have anything to do with like, telling people about it, because he was literally comatose in the cave and recovering while Bruce was telling people....by the time Dick woke up in the cave, we already know that Alfred at least had already been convinced by Bruce that Dick was dead, so I have a kneejerk need to pushback against the Dick faked his death narrative by reminding people wherever possible that Dick had no agency in the spreading of that narrative.

It happened without him being involved, and the only actual contribution he ever made to it was just not revealing he was alive before Grayson #12, after Bruce like.....emotionally, mentally and physically badgered him into accepting that doing so would be directly harmful to his family and he didn’t want to be the reason more people died when like, people had just died because he ‘let’ himself be captured and interrogated by Power Woman’s Lasso of Submission, did he?

SORRY TO BE PEDANTIC, just wanted to start this off on a clarification, even though I know the aim of your ask was very much in tune with the rest of my response. A lot of people don’t read the actual comics, so like, I’m never gonna skip over an opportunity to emphasize that the shorthand people use to refer to Dick’s death and the year he was with Spyral, is like, literally just shorthand for describing it. Its not actually an accurate description of how all that went down and who had the most hand in it).

BUT ANYWAY. BACK TO THE MEAT OF THE BEEF.

Okay so like, not only was the entire family and Bruce himself giving Dick shit for his death and Spyral, like, PAINFULLY egregious because it was literal victim blaming in every possible sense of the word....

None of it made a LICK of sense with ANY of their characterizations, and they ONLY all accepted it on face value because the Plot Demanded It, and when you're like, no, as a reader I say The Plot Demanded It is not a good enough reason for me to be like well sure, that makes sense......looking at the characters ACTUAL actions at face value pretty much just makes them all look like assholes?

Like, Tim has never gracefully accepted anyone's death. Ever. This is core characterization for him. He will go to the ends of the earth for his loved ones and to bring them back, prove they're not dead, refuse to let death be the final verdict for them. He was tempted to use the Lazarus Pit to bring his parents back to life. He refused to accept Bruce was dead long before he had any proof whatsoever of that theory. He tried to clone his BFF/future-husband Kon in his fucking basement like, dude was two whole inches away from going Full Dark Side in his quest to bring back a lost loved one no matter WHAT the cost.....and then you've got Dick unmasked onscreen, killed offscreen, and Bruce then reporting to the rest of them with zero inflection 'oh Dick's dead now. Its very sad' and Tim's just like, sure. Sounds legit.

I mean?!?!

And you're SO RIGHT ABOUT THE DAMIAN THING! Bruce LITERALLY LITERALLY LITERALLY went BEYOND the ends of the Earth, like, he full on chartered a fucking space ship to fly his whole family out to APOKOLIPS to bring Damian back from the dead by going to EXTREME lengths.....WHILE everyone else thought Dick was dead....

And not a single person looked at Bruce and was like, okay, not that we're not down to do this for Damian because we miss Stabby Smurf something fierce ourselves, but.....what the fuck is UP with you dude? Why aren't you displaying ANY hint of this same kind of energy in regards to your eldest son that you said you watched die right in front of you?

Like....I don't know that we were actually ever told that Dick's coffin was empty or had a fake in it, but like....this family of detectives who refuse to accept death, defy death, COME BACK FROM THE DEAD....not a single one of them said like, okay, if I'm gonna like, ACCEPT accept that Dick is dead and gone for good, I need to at least just see him one last time? That's literally all it would have taken for someone to realize hey something's a little wonky here. Where's the dead body, Pops?

Since when has Jason ever missed an opportunity to prove Bruce is a) full of shit, b) acting like an emotionless robot and all his kids deserve better especially when they've just like....died, c) just factually incorrect and wrong and jumped to a conclusion before it was conclusively proved, d) lying like a liar or e) all of the above?

Nobody even ASKED if Dick's body could be put in a Lazarus Pit? Yeah, Jason wouldn't necessarily recommend it himself, given what it put him through, but actually fuck that, I take that back, because I'm NOT actually of the opinion that Jason full on hates his life and actively spends every second of every day wishing he hadn't been resurrected, even if it had come with a huge buffet of additional trauma and pain.

And that's kinda what's implied when people just take it for granted that he would never be on board with any scenario involving using a Lazarus Pit to bring Dick back, because it suggests that based even just on his own experiences and feelings, he honestly believes Dick would prefer being dead and not have ANY further opportunities to be with his loved ones, his friends, help save the damn world again at some future point.....that Jason, projecting based just off himself, legit feels Dick would rather be dead than have another shot at life even WITH the downsides of Lazarus Pit usage? Nope. Sorry, I don't buy it.

Speaking of not buying it.....you know what was missing from all those soliloquies the others monologued at Dick about how they felt and were hurt and just devastated by his death, to such a point they can't seem to muster a single shred of happiness that he's NOT dead still -

(seriously, Damian was the ONLY person in ALL THE LANDS OF EMOTION-HAVING who expressed ANY kind of positive reaction to having Dick back. We were so fucking cheated of like.....ANY opportunity to have the characters show just how much they valued him by just being fucking HAPPY he was alive, no matter what else was involved....and then most of fandom compounded that by for years being like mmmm, no, Dick didn't get yelled at enough by his family for what HE put THEM through. Needs more yelling. More punching too. Bad Dick. Bad. This is the only way you'll learn not to die and get shipped off on a mission that you don't want but at least is to protect your family after being beaten into it by your dad whilst victim blaming you for dying in the first place. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR FEELINGS FOR A CHANGE, DICK?!?)

- But like, BUT I DIGRESS aside....you know what was missing from all those monologues about how hard DICK'S death and ensuing year of basically exile from his loved ones was for EVERYONE BUT HIM?

We never got a single line of explanation as to what everyone else officially thinks even happened to him in the first place?

Like, did Bruce straight up just say oh bad news kids, your brother umm. Expired. Spontaneously. There's no one to blame, he just keeled over, its all very sad.

Is that how that went down?

You're telling me that the explanation of Dick's death didn't come with a single pointed finger at someone for this family of blame-happy vigilantes to like, BLAME for the loss of this brother they all mourned oh so much, they just couldn't help but blame him for all the hurt it caused them?

The family that in every other fic is like OBSESSED with avenging and being avenged and all things vengeful and even tangentially vengeance-y....like didn't ask for a single detail on whomst the fuck deprived us of our brother-having?

Where were the attempts on Luthor's life by Jason (who I mean, yeah I know it was in a previous continuity, but erasing that timeline doesn't erase my awareness of the time Dick killed Jason's murderer so like.....mmm, just saying, woulda been nice)....where was the rage directed at the Crime Syndicate and references to how seriously and personally the Batfam took making sure that they were PUNISHED for all this and would never be free to wreak havoc on their world or their family again? What did they tell Damian when he came back to life, and how are you going to tell me that this fraternal little ball of fury didn't aim himself like a cannonball at whomever the fuck had DARED take HIS Batman from him when Damian wasn't around to have his back?

Not only does everyone else's desire to be avenged start falling really flat the second you factor in hey maybe Dick feels "mmm what about MY avenging" sometimes, and why doesn't anyone ever care about doing that for him.....but also, y'know what REALLY sucks about the ONLY person we actually SEE being blamed for Dick's death and ensuing absence being like....Dick himself?

Not only were his family all super keen on making all of this HIS fault and HIM the bad guy because of how it made them all feeeeeeel (and meanwhile fuck his feelings, am I right Batfam hfaklshfklahfkla).....

They somehow found a way to justify prioritizing this OVER ever even getting around to blaming some villain for his death in the FIRST place, in the entire year or so they thought he was still dead!

Like, you couldn't come up with a single target in all that time, but Dick's back two seconds, and you don't even give him a chance to EXPLAIN before you're punching him, shutting him down with 'I expected better from you' and turning away with 'I don't want to hear it, why am I surprised Dick Grayson disappointed me again'?

afshklfhalfhalfhla

Make it make sense!

And like, it won't, cuz it doesn't, and it never will, and like I said at the top, the ONLY reason it all played out this way is because DC doesn't give a fuck about character development and deemed it necessary to go down this way for the sake of the plot (which was totes worth it, I mean, glad we sacrificed characters for this A+ plot which was clearly the greatest plot of all time and definitely justified every story choice made or not made around it loooool).

BUT.

BUT BUT BUT.

The problem isn't JUST that DC is stupid, even though that is an eternal mood and quite the problem.

Its that the SECOND large parts of fandom decided to play along with DC and just accept the story at face value, only add to it and play into it exactly as it happened in canon with no significant deviations, and like, heaping on the LITERAL abuse from Dick's siblings while ignoring the LITERAL abuse from his father....

THAT....is when all of this becomes relevant.

Because the second people decided TO engage with the reasoning DC gave for what Bruce did and how and what Dick did and how and just not mess with any of that and have it all play out exactly like that...

The second people are like, okay we're FINE with not just dismissing this story as OOC writing that doesn't make any sense, and actually VALIDATING it to various degrees by engaging with it as is....

That's when 'OOC writing' stops being an excuse or explanation for alllll of the above gaps in character logic and actions.

Because its like, when you had abundant chance to REJECT this story and say nope, this was bullshit from start to finish and I'm not here for it, when you were just as capable of transforming literally ANY aspect of this story you didn't like into something that made more sense to you....

And you chose not to.

That's.....accepting it as valid writing. You were like, okay, I'm game to just treat this as a thing that happened, just like they said that happened.

For the chance to give Dick shit for it, see. For the angst, see.

And that's when I'm like okay cool, so when engaging with this story as is and accepting it on face value and just delving into the characters as they were SHOWN interacting with and around these events......for the angst or whatever....

You guys just all decided en masse to just hop, skip and jump over allllllllll the opportunities for angst inherent in examining even ANY SINGLE ONE of the above lapses in judgment or hypocrisy on the parts of the characters (who don't get to be excused by OOC writing if you're not going to call the story an example of OOC writing, whoops).

And its just like, uh, what's up with that?

#lol thank you for this ask tho #I havent gone on a good Spyral rant in months #it does wonders for my pores

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spicysoftsweet · 3 years

Text

A Thorn In The Side - Gojo x Reader

Summary: Infatuation enduring from high school is more of a problem than you or he think (~3.4k words).

Warnings: fem pronouns, fem!reader, noncon, kidnapping, yandere, wlw mention, gojo is a pos

A/N: Part of @suedebunn‘s Hanahaki collab!

When the strongest jujutsu sorcerer to have ever lived wakes up in the early am with the sensation of thorns scratching his throat and fullness in his stomach, he’s baffled.

Even more so when he doubles over in bed to cough profusely to the point of near emesis, shocking for a man who rarely gets sick. He stares blankly at a pillow covered in droplets of flecks of red, and his eyes widen with trepidation, until he realizes those large drops strewn across his bed come from flowers rather than blood.

He must be dreaming, Gojo Satoru tells himself, but the satiny feel of the scarlet petals between his fingertips is very real.

Or perhaps a curse.

“So you expect me to diagnose you over the phone?”

Shoko pulled a drag of her cigarette as though for dramatic effect, blowing it out with a sigh, but continued to listen. She had to be up early anyway and ignoring Gojo would only make him more annoying in her experience.

“So what are your symptoms again?” she asked.

“Apparently my insides are trying to match my beautiful outsides~” he sang.

Shoko rolled her eyes, and as though he could see her, Gojo laughed loudly.

“In all seriousness, I’m turning into a garden. Coughing up flowers apparently.”

“Coughing up flowers, huh?” She leaned a little further against her balcony, her eyes setting on the early morning sunrise she could view from her high rise apartment. “Do you think it’s some type of curse?”

“It’s… different,” he replied, somewhat noncommittally. “I don’t think it’s cursed energy, actually.”

This was unexpected.

“What else do you feel?”

“Uneasy…”

It was Shoko’s turn to laugh. An interesting choice of words coming from him.

“Any ideas?” Gojo insisted.

“I mean, it could be some kind of undetectable curse. I’d know if I got to see you… How does your heart feel when you cough up the flowers?”

“It races.”

“Your mind?”

“Also races… lightheaded.”

“Any thoughts?”

“None.”

“As expected.” she teased, laughing again until she realized that for once, Gojo was silent on the other end of the phone. She scratched her head, then ran her fingers through her fingertips.

“Come in at 2pm today, okay? Don’t be late.”

---

“Well, you’re right,” Shoko stated, stepping back from the examination table, and crossing her arms as she set herself down on a stool to formulate her assessment.

Her friend, already graced with the palest of color palettes, did actually look ill, dark circles prominent enough to match hers marring his porcelain skin. He sat, legs spread apart, and leaning onto the weight of his hands besides him, raising an eyebrow quizzically..

“It’s not cursed energy, alright,” she said, with a sigh. She stretched out her hand.

“You brought the sample, right?”

Gojo, uncharacteristically a bit listless, tossed her the bag of vomited petals from this morning, covered in now dry saliva and other fluids. Not batting an eyelash, Shoko slipped on a pair of gloves and felt inside the bag, petals crumbling at her fingertips.

Definitely not cursed energy. She placed the bag on a disorganized counter behind her, making a mental note of scrutinizing it further under a microscope.

“Ideas?” Gojo asked after he’d decided that the time he’d given her to think was enough. It turned out the idea of being sick irritated him more than he expected.

The very idea of being vulnerable made him slightly nauseous.

Shoko let out a chuckle that sounded more nervous than she had intended.

“My only other thought is Hanahaki disease.”

“Hanahaki?” Gojo repeated.

“Yeah,” she stated. Crossing her legs, she relaxed into her stool further as she watched the young man carefully. “Who’s the unlucky one?”

“You mean?”

“Who’s the unfortunate soul you’re in love with?” She asked again, waiting for his response. The truth was that she was quite shocked at the idea of Gojo being afflicted with Hanahaki, that he of all people could have such a pure, destructive form of love given his track history.

She’d known him long enough to know that his body count was near ridiculous.

He tilted his head, then burst into laughter.

“Myself, duh.”

“Well, auto-Hanahaki isn’t a thing, but I suppose if it was, you’d be the one to be afflicted with it.”

She decided not to press further. “Whoever it is, I’d recommend you settle your feelings as soon as possible,” she added. “People don’t usually die from this but you look surprisingly like shit so I’d be careful.”

Gojo ran a hand through his hair, hopping off the table and pulling back on his shirt.

Settling his feelings may be more complicated than either of the two of them expected.

---

You were in the middle of your drive home when Shoko’s name finally flashed on your dashboard. Grinning, you picked up on the car speaker, mischief in your voice.

“It’s 7:03 and you promised me you’d call at 7 sharp, babe. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“You’re going to hold 3 minutes against me?” Her sultry voice filled your ears as you made the last turn between the grocery store and your apartment, and you hoped she’d be inside your home waiting for you so that you could actually hold something tangible against her.

“I did say I wasn’t going to tolerate you being late for anything anymore, didn’t I?” You teased.

“Bold declaration for someone who isn’t even home yet,” Shoko retorted.

In minutes, you were walking through the door, arms charged with bags full of groceries for dinner you’d planned to cook together. Shoko greeted you with a kiss on the forehead as you placed them on the counter.

“Did you miss me?”

You did, but you stuck out your tongue at her instead. Her hand intertwined with yours briefly before you separated to unpack items for dinner.

“I promise I’ll be less busy,” she offered as the two of you worked in tandem. Your stomach was already growling, so the sooner you had food on the table, the better.

“It’s no problem,” you replied, and you meant it only half-heartedly. It’s true she was less busy than a regular civilian doctor, but it seemed recently that her clinic was getting overrun with more and more curse victims. Things had been bad recently in the world, you figured.

You were happy to step back from the world of sorcery, but small reminders like these persisted.

“Did you still manage to fit Gojo in today?”

She had complained earlier today that Gojo always managed to make a bad day worse.

“Mmm,” is what she offered over the sound of chopping vegetables. You understood that she couldn’t say more, on top of the fact that any discussion of Gojo was already a sore subject. It didn’t have to be, and it shouldn’t have been, but this was what it was.

“Hope he’s okay,” you offered, as you turned on the stove.

“He’ll be fine,” she replied, her voice now quieter than usual.

---

The first and last time Gojo fell in love was in the spring of his third year, he suddenly recalled in the middle of a tryst, as an upsettingly subpar blowjob allowed his mind to wander. The young woman whose gags sounded almost theatrical when compared to the amount of pleasure he was actually receiving was starting to get on his nerves, but instead he took matters in his own hands, wrapping her long ponytail around his wrist before guiding the back of her head so she took him deeper.

If she was gonna choke, she should commit to it.

He’d fallen in love with you at first sight. It was a strange feeling for him to immediately be enamored with someone upon first glance instead, having always been the recipient of many an awe-filled or fawning look.

You were a transfer from the sister school, already a rare occurrence, and what was even rarer was the fact that you both had little affinity to jujutsu and little interest in getting better. One could wonder why you even showed up in the first place, much less why you’d moved from one school to the other.

You’d quit as expected just before graduation, but not before you caught his eye.

“You’re pretty shitty at this,” he’d remarked, attempting to win you over with humor when he’d been assigned to you for both orientation and possible tutoring. “Of course, you can always ask me for help,” he added, flashing pearly whites at you.

He was the opposite of successful in wooing you.

“I suppose since this comes easy to you, this is just funny, right?” You’d quipped.

Your words cut more than both you and he anticipated, but it didn’t exactly matter. You were not interested in him, the way he was interested in you.

But Shoko was different.

You became fast friends and upon your departure from the technical college, you’d remained in contact despite withdrawing from everyone else related to magic.

Even if Gojo tried many times to either bring you back to this world you’d left behind or be part of your new one, you’d rebuffed him every time. Harshly.

“I don’t know why you expect everyone to worship you,” was the last thing you’d said to him. “I’ve already made it clear that I don’t want to be part of this life,” you’d insisted. “Why would I change my mind just because you asked me to?”

You were right.

And yet you loved Shoko.

The young woman whose name he’d forgotten’s face was now pressed against his pubic bone and she now began to squirm, slapping and scratching at him like some kind of trapped animal as she struggled to breathe, reminding him that he’d daydreamed for too long.

“Sorry,” he offered, as he released his grip, leaving her to sputter and choke. Looking at her, knowing that she was not you suddenly made him want to choke himself, to bring forth that impromptu garden of unrequited feelings.

He patted her on the back gingerly, and once it looked like she’d restabilized, pulled her in for another kiss.

If only her lips tasted like yours.

---

Shoko’s hand glided against the curve of your hips, taking in the image of you sleeping softly on your side, facing her. She dipped down to kiss your nose; it was the only time the fact that she had such an issue with sleep benefited her, this ability to almost always wake up before you.

You looked incredibly peaceful while sleeping, and she had to admit this angelic view of you was even better than your features twisted in a pleasured mewl (not that it wasn’t a close battle).

There was a nagging concern in the pit of her stomach, however.

Gojo suffering from unrequited love could be a problem, if the object of his affections did happen to be you. But it had been years ago that he’d pursued you unsuccessfully, why present now?

Why present to her office of all people? Gojo could be inconsiderate, but not to this extent.

But what if he didn’t know that this was what he was feeling? Suppressed feelings taking root and morphing themselves into the tangible he couldn’t ignore?

She sat up, resting her back against the backboard, the lack of a cigarette between her lips being palliated with the gnaw of her thumbnail.

It couldn’t be. Not you.

Please, not you.

---

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Shoko checked in about a week later.

Gojo didn’t share that he’d spent the entire morning in a coughing fit of petals, now definitely streaked with blood, and the entire last night vomiting enough flowers into the toilet that it had overflowed.

He didn’t comment on the entire scarlet sage plants with large green leaves that threatened to sprout from every orifice, not just his throat, but his ears and nostrils, possibly from behind his eyes.

He didn’t know what was next, only that it was getting worse.

The constant fire in the pit of his stomach, the shivers, the chills, the incessant flash of you running through his mind, your name moaned in the darkness, his body drenched in sweat.

The fact that he knew it was because he loves you and cannot find an alternative for you.

The fact that he must have you, and only you.

“Has it gotten better or worse?” Shoko asked.

“I’m fine,” Gojo reassured her, masking the exhaustion in his voice, and she made the mistake of believing him.

---

You awoke in darkness with an icy cold searing into your skin.

It took you a moment to let your eyes adjust to the light and for your body to resume the motor control it had briefly relinquished in sleep before you could reorient yourself. You were laying on ground of some sort, maybe hardwood which implied that you were in some kind of building.

Your head throbbed viciously as you shifted slowly to a sitting position and you almost expected there to be blood as you ran your hands over the back of your head, checking for injury. But there was nothing, just the normal feel of your hair, and the steady thump of your temples in time with your pounding heart.

Looking around, your eyes soon fixed to the low light, not actual darkness to center on a figure in the center of the room.

You let out a gasp of surprise.

Gojo.

Not only had it been a while and he was the last person you expected to see, he looked stranger than he ever had.

He sat perched on a chair backwards, chin leaning on the top of the backrest. His head was tilted, and he watched you warily but fixedly through eyes that looked sunken into their orbits. Their clear blue was still sharp in the darkness.

His skin had taken on an almost ghostly cast to match his hair, and he was thinner than you remembered as though he had been slowly withering away since the last time you saw him. That was ages ago.

Your limbs froze in anticipation. You didn’t have to be a genius to recognize that whatever was happening or was about to happen was bad.

“Why did you bring me here?”

He stared at you blankly for a moment, unmoving. If he weren’t so extraordinarily fatigued, he would have sat up straighter in his chair and offered you a smile. You were still as pretty as the day he first laid eyes on you, after all. What a welcome sight.

“I guess I missed you,” he responded instead, quietly.

Your teeth gritted as you flared up in indignation.

“Excuse me?”

He cut you off with a loud, exasperated sigh, mustering the little bit of energy he had left to run a hand through his hair.

“Listen, I thought I’d forgotten myself, but it turns out that I’m being betrayed by my own body.”

As though to add effect, a coughing fit began just at the end of his sentence, and you watched as he spat flowers into the palm of his hand, lowering them for you to see.

“And it seems like you’re the cause of this.”

Your eyes widened as you took in the sight of bloody petals falling through his fingertips and hitting the ground.

He was completely out of his mind.

“I…,” you shakily got yourself up to your feet, not letting your gaze leave Gojo for a second. He didn’t get out of the chair, but he did shift so that he leaned back in the seat, a wicked smile on his face.

“You...?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” You spat. “Where the hell am I and how did I get here?”

He finally did get up, although it was done in a dramatic, strained movement. He really had lost weight, you noticed, picking up the flash of pale wrists before he shoved his hands in his pocket.

“I know it sounds crazy but apparently, according to your girlfriend, I’m suffering from lovesickness.”

He bared more of his teeth now, looking more like a grimace than a grin by this time. “I didn’t believe it either, but then I started seeing you in my mind every single waking moment.”

In the split second it took for you to blink, he had crossed the distance between you, so that he was now in your personal space, the palm of his hand inappropriately caressing your face, as tender as you’d expect from Shoko.

And you immediately jumped back and backhanded him as hard as you could.

The crack of your hand was loud and exaggerated, reverberating in the room. For a moment, you froze in shock, surprised the slap had actually landed, before shaking out your now burning hand and following up with a hiss.

“Don’t you fucking touch me.”

Gojo’s icy blue eyes glint, demonic in their delight.

“That’s the feisty bitch I remember.”

---

It was nearing 24 hours since you’d failed to reply to Shoko’s text and the normally collected woman was terribly anxious.

She’d stayed at work late, and still, not a single message from you.

The nagging feeling in the back of her mind returned.

What if it were you?

Gojo couldn’t be that insane, could he?

When she entered your home to find traces of red salvia scattered throughout your home, it only confirmed her fears.

---

“I don’t want to do this either. I mean it.”

It was hard to believe him when he seemed to savor every brush of the lips as he trailed kisses along your inner thighs, spread open with the force of his hands. Gojo had always been deceptively strong, even now, when it looked like he was wilting just as much as the flowers he coughed up.

Your wrists were bound to a fixed point at the head of a foreign bed, and your ankles to the bedposts anteriorly to prevent you from fighting. Not that you would have been able to fight back anyway, but the severe fatigue permeating his very bones made him less willing to risk anything.

When his lips made it to your center to circle your clit, you writhed in disgust, forcing back the sighs of pleasure that would inevitably ensure.

“Y-you can’t - ah - make me love you…”

Gojo paused the swishing of his tongue to give you a look that reeked enough of apathy that it was almost startling.

“I’m aware, but there’s no harm in trying.”

---

“Where the fuck is she?”

Satoru had the ostentatiousness within him to receive the phone call on speaker, so that you could hear Shoko beg to find out your whereabouts.

“She’s with me,” he replied, calmly to her, holding the phone in one hand and pumping fingers in and out of your slippery cunt with the other.

By this time, Gojo had gotten tired of your expletives which no longer retained the initial cute charm, so your screams for help were muffled by a gag over your own wet panties shoved into your mouth.

He’d been at this for hours.

There was a pause on the phone from Shoko’s end that sounded like something crashing to the ground, maybe a plate breaking.

Her tone changed immediately.

“P-please don’t hurt her.”

“I’m not.”

He glanced at you who glared back at him with reddened eyes and tear-stained cheeks. You looked even prettier when you were so totally helpless.

“I would never,” he added.

The pump of his fingers slowed but did not stop.

“This won’t fix you,” Shoko warned, almost in a low protective hiss, her own voice breaking. “This won’t fix anything, you bastard.”

He cut off the phone abruptly, and let out a sigh before shifting his attention back to you.

“Where were we?”

---

Maybe if I pretend, he’ll stop?

Or will he continue? Will I just affirm that he won?

His thrusts were relentless, as was the constant tugging at your hair, the teeth sinking into every inch of your skin, the moans and groans whispered into your ears or your bosom.

A violation in every sense of the word.

You were running out of tears.

The fact that it’s pointless, you and he both know it. Your true love knows it, that this is just an excuse to get back at you. For what? Rejection?

He would die anyway. You would never return his feelings, if there even truly were any.

He continued to rut into you, and flowers started to stain every inch of your bodies, covering them in a deep scarlet.

Red. Red. Red.

Blood. Rage. Power. Passion.

You probably didn’t need the restraints anymore. You had no fight left in you.

Just the satisfaction, however small, that regardless of what he did to you, he would still eventually succumb to nature and perish in a bed of putrid efflorescence.

#gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #collab fic #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen smut #gojo smut #shoko x reader #tw noncon #mae.writing

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strawberrybabydog · 3 years

Note

I hate and am really saddened by how most of the time when I find ppl online and read their carrds/bios/posts they say they’re psychotic but they only say it because they are kin as some characters (think they have “”DAs””)… and say they have no other psychotic symptoms….AND ITS ALWAYS LIKE “I’m psychotic” then IN THE NEXT SENTENCE THEY LIST THEIR “IRLS” AS A WAY TO EXPLAIN/PROVE THAT THEYRE PSYCHOTIC… PLEASE you are fictionkin just accept it (most of them at least)

I feel like ppl have taken on the label “psychotic” as more of a thing that’s like .. fun and quirky .. a silly community word.. not even related to schizospec or actual psychotic disorders.. as in its really lost its meaning as a serious word for serious disorders .. very very watered down and misunderstood

I feel like some of them ID as psychotic and not any specific psychotic disorder because they literally don’t even have one and just see the term as some fun community thing - LIKE not even researching psychotic disorders or psychosis(except for trusting random info about it from threads and carrds by kids on Twitter) they just immediately take on this label as if it doesn’t signify a serious disorder. They take on the label psychotic as if it’s like a xenogender which someone can quickly shop for and id with lol. I really feel like that’s why I see no one who has their specific psychotic disorder listed or says they’re schizospec .. bc they don’t even take the time to look into it .. they also just don’t see psychotic as serious at all they do not take it seriously …(it’s totally fine if u are psychotic and that’s all u wanna say on it though.. ive just gotten to a point where MANY “psychotics” I see are just fictionkin in denial who are hurting the communities.. the word has left a bad taste in my mouth)

Like I know it just seems like silly discourse or whatever but it’s genuinely harming real psychotics and even non psychotics too in a very serious and big way that I’m afraid will just get worse and be irreversible. I say non psychotics because of its effect on the alterhuman communities. The harmful and dangerous misinformation and behaviors that have been spread are so sickening to me .. as well as the disrespect to spiritual beliefs .. i also will mention that many of these “psychotic” people just LOVE to say slurs and derogatory terms that aren’t for them all the time.. so many ppl go around like “omg haha I’m a psycho delulu I’m CRAZY u wanna call me psycho so bad call me delusional!!!!!” right after they first start IDing as psychotic just bc they have an “irl” .. it’s kinda .. it’s getting kinda weird here.. as in people who literally have no other symptoms signifying psychosis

I’m afraid no one will ever be properly educated and learn better bc they call everyone who disagrees with them ableist as if someone politely criticizing how similar the definitions for DAs and fictionkin are is peak ableism that psychotics experience … sure /s….

this is exactly why the use of DA should be changed imo. i think it should be kept but changed to describe an erotomanic delusional's person of interest - not even to be used as a self-identifier.

this isn't even helping anyone on the Otherkin side of things either. it suppresses access to Otherkin (Fictionkin) resources. so unlike KFF, where sometimes folks can be educated out of it or are finding the Otherkin community through KFF, this is doing none of that. they also seem to use their own identities as ammunition against Otherkin, as if their own identity is a bad thing in some cases, which i think is incredibly telling as to how they really view actually-psychotic people: "wow you're taking this way too seriously, maybe you have a D/A, i think you should really seek help for that :0/".... like you mentioned, anyone who's going to try to educate these people is often met with "you're just ableist" (which isn't true btw, being disabled or mentally ill doesn't protect anyone from personal criticism.) and as you mentioned, holy shit does this harm psychotic people! yes!

i don't think there's anything wrong with simply IDing as psychotic, having psychotic symptoms, or otherwise being vague about your identity/conditions. that's fine. that's what i do! but that's not what these people are doing (at least, not for the most part.) many of them describe themselves to be delusional but having no other psychotic symptoms... which means, if they are only delusional, they're not psychotic. they have 1 positive symptom. to have a psychotic disorder i'm pretty sure you need to have 2 or 3 positive symptoms (cant remember exact number but it's not just 1.) so... if they are delusional - which most of them are likely not, and are likely just Fictionkin as you mentioned - they would have delusional disorder, not be psychotic. not only are they using "psychotic" as a fun silly light-hearted community thing, but they're also using it as a blanket term in the wrong context (thus spreading misinformation.)

a major problem here is like you said, they seem to be getting most of their information through small twitter threads rather than listening to actual psychotic people and reading actual articles on it. i've seen some people claim to be authorities on a subject simply because they have the experience and.... no. having the experience is only half of what you "need" to be an authority on a subject, no matter what the subject is. i'm queer and i know very little about queer history, which means i'm a really horrible authority on that subject. i can sure talk to you about my experience, but beyond that i'm no help and i would never pretend to be; my experience isn't universal and to cite only my experience when talking about other things, that's just... such a terrible and harmful idea. mentioning here again that half of them straight up admit to having never experienced any form of psychosis, they don't have anything.

but they're kids. i am all for kids trying to figure out who they are, where they fit into the world, whatever. that's a really important development phase. but it's not fair to harm an already heavily stigmatized and oppressed group in the process.

i fear deeply that this will become another "kin VS. 'Kin" at some point where they will try to claim the word has taken on a new alternative meaning. but hopefully it doesn't get to that point and in a few years when these kids grow up, the D/A community will die with them growing out of it.

#long post #delusional attachment #delusions #psychosis #i wonder how many twitter DA people have seen me criticize this and talk shit about me on twitter or something lol thats funny

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melancholycatastrophe · 3 years

Text

just saw someone call c!Dream a pyromaniac like its a fact and I need to explain why that's such a bad take and why you should be mindful of what words you use to describe characters.

First and foremost, c!Dream doesn't have pyromania. Pyromania is a serious mental health condition that falls under the disruptive, impulse-control, and conduct disorders section under the DSM-V. Let me repeat that again: pyromania is a serious mental health condition that you need to have a diagnosis from by a professional.

Yes, the most notable symptom of pyromania is intentionally and repetitively setting fires. No, this is not the same thing as arson. Pyromania is a condition that's based on compulsions (repetitive behavior) that you feel like you can't resist. People with pyromania don't set fires to be a nuisance, or to commit a crime, they do so because they feel like they have to. And they often have strong emotions tied to the compulsion. They may feel a release of tension or a feeling of pleasure or relief from setting a fire, which leads them to set more fires and experience the feelings they're left with again and again. Similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder but not quite because, like the name suggests, ocd also deals with obsessions (excessive thoughts). And even then, setting fires is only one aspect of the condition, there's so much more that goes into it.

None of what I said above describes c!Dream. As far as I'm concerned, none of it describes any member of the dsmp. You're confusing pyromania, a serious mental health condition, with arson, which is a crime. You can call c!Dream an arsonist. You can call c!Sapnap an arsonist. You can call c!Niki, c!Tommy, anyone who has ever intentionally set fire to anything (which is almost everyone on the server at this point) an arsonist, because that would be the correct word to use.

I very desperately need you guys to be mindful with your words and research the actual definition of a word you want to use to describe a character, or else you risk spreading misinformation about a serious topic or unknowingly villainizing a mental health condition by using it to describe a villain character who doesn't even have it.

Stop calling characters like c!Wilbur and c!Dream psychopaths or insane. Stop saying that ew!ranboo is "evil c!ranboo" when the cc explicitly stated that they were the exact same people (seriously what's up with you guys and giving c!ranboo d.i.d.?). If you're going to use serious terms like "homicidal", "serial killer", "gaslighting", do in depth research about what it really means instead of getting all your information from a user-posted definition on Urban Dictionary or some random teenager on Twitter who barely passed their psychology class last year.

Mental health is already stigmatized beyond belief, stop contributing to it. It doesn't matter if it's just "minecraft roleplay", people who have those mental health conditions can read your post and watch you carelsssly villainize it in front of them.

Just.

Be mindful of your words.

#dream smp #c!dream #mental health #dsmp fandom critical #<- just in case #dreblr #i care too much about destigmatizing mental health to let this pass im sorry #this used to be an anime blog wtf happened?

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yanderecandystore · 3 years

Note

may i please get a small fic about the loveshrooms?

I didn't expect anyone to like the idea, but I'm so glad you did!

I was going to bring a Yan Bakugou into the mix but- I felt like I could end up disappointing you in a way so I'll just leave it as a ambiguous character, what do you think?

Also, love shrooms is actually a really good name lol!

TW/Tags: loss of sanity and mentions of depressive thoughts // fungal contamination and mentions of diseases (and quarantine) // none gender specific (neither the reader or the character mentioned have their gender assigned) // touch starving // victim blaming mentality.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

In need of help [Yandere!Virus/Fungus x Reader - Short Fanfiction]:

They were laying in their bed, wondering what the hell was happening with their body. It's been a week since they started to feel this way, endless headaches, hot burning skin temperature yet a feeling of always being cold dominated them, as if they were naked in the middle of a blizzard.

One day they started feeling dizzy while they were at work, so their boss has told them to go back home and rest, and they haven't gone back to their jobs in a full week because of some random sickness they got!

That's what they thought back then, they thought that this was all just a little flu that had ruined their days, but no, it turned out to be something completely more different than that.

They have heard about some sort of disease outbreak happening in their town, something that was still fairly new and mysterious to even the highest of doctors and world leaders. It was so sudden, out of nowhere people started to show symptoms of some sort of new illness, something that develops slowly yet quietly.

The contaminated would feel all that they were feeling right now, if not worse, since a lot of contaminated have shown some weird aggressive behavior randomly. Those that were contaminated were told to limit their contact with other people, some were privileged enough to be able to stay in hospitals receiving professional care, but they couldn't do that, they didn't want to believe that they were contaminated by some stupid looking fungus.

They just… Really, really didn't want to see a doctor, even if the symptoms are getting worse and worse, something forced them to keep their mouth shut. They didn't want to go to a hospital, they didn't want any doctors or scientists experimenting on them, they didn't want to be trapped inside that pearly white hell.

They heard rumours about servers experiments being done inside each hospital available, which caused the contaminated to get even more desperate to get out of there.

The thing is, no one knows if the contaminated were the ones who had decided that they didn't want to stay there, or if something else was dictating that decision.

Apparently, the cause of such distress was a little mushroom species that have only been discovered after the first incident happened. An incident where the first contaminated to fully develop the parasite had attacked someone in the streets (well, allegedly attacked, since there is no proof of the guy actually hurting someone, but it doesn't matter now since he was eliminated before he could attack someone). After that the contamination had spread wildly, it was as if the existence of such a dangerous thing had just been announced and out of nowhere, the damn thing had taken a hold of people's lives.

In one second everything was fine, and then in the next they were stuck at home, feeling hopeless. At least they don't have to be the lab rat of some crazy doctor and scientist. Until now, it has been pretty easy to hide the fact they were contaminated, key words being "until now", guess what happened?

"- Fucking- itchy fungus." They yelled as they continued to scratch their itchy arms, there were visible pink and red blotches around them, and on top of that they were now hurting because of how much force they were using on their itchy arms.

They have learned that it takes too many weeks for it to develop marks around the contaminated bodies, and that the mushrooms spread and thrive in cold habitats.

And guess who was the idiot that has come back from hiking in a snowy forest about two weeks ago? Yeah that 's right! This imbecile right here!

"- Ugh, what the hell do you want from me?" It's been three days since they started talking with the fungus growing inside them, since they noticed that indeed, the fucking thing comprehends human communication somehow.

Or maybe they were just insane.

This was basically an everyday routine, the mushroom would get agitated, they would ask it what it wanted, and in a brilliant moment of concentration they would remember exactly what the mushroom wanted.

"- Pizza again? Come on, you're going to make me spend all of my savings on some lackluster pizza?" They said while looking at their colorful arms, they needed to cover them if they wanted to see anyone else soon.

You see, ever since they started to stay inside their house to not spread the contamination, they have been ordering pizza at a very terrible place that sold only the most boring pizza they could have ever eaten. No flavor at a cheap prize!

It seemed like the stupid fungus had taken a liking to the terrible taste of nothingness, so they had decided to obliged with the fungus wishes.

"- Stupid parasite, you're lucky I can't beat you for making me waste so much in daily deliveries." They continued to be grumpy about it as they put some clothes on, normally they love to spend their time alone naked, and apparently the fungus also agreed with the decision. What? It's their apartment, they can be naked if they want.

They took their phone and typed the number to the pizzeria, well, at least they never take too long to deliver their mediocre pizza.

"- Hi, it's Anthony's Pizzeria, how can I help you?" They heard a familiar voice come from the other side of the call.

Oh.

"- What-!" They yelped, almost causing the call to accidentally end right there and then.

It's you, it's your voice! They know it it's, they are sure of it!

"- … Uhn, hey, are you okay-"

"- I'm f-fine, sorry!" They have interrupted your question, they were so caught up about your voice that they forgot to order the pizza.

Oh but your voice! Your voice was so different in the call than in real life, it's so… Interesting! Yeah, that's surely the word they were looking for!

They have called so many times yet this was the first time you were the one to pick up! They guess that because of the contamination and quarantine stuff going on, they were low on staff and you were the one receiving the orders.

After all, you were the only person that worked there that would deliver their pizza every single time. It became such a normal thing that you two even know each other's names!

[Y/N], it's such a beautiful name, it fits the owner. Although they think you're pretty unlucky to have to work at a terrible place and also do deliveries to an unwelcoming neighborhood.

That's the reason why you're the one to always bring their pizza, it's because you're the only worker that they are willing to risk in such a terrible place. Fortunately, their only client around this area is them.

When they were about to finish their order, they asked if you were the one that was going to bring the pizza.

"- Yeah, it is me. You know, low on staff and all, why do you ask?" You ask them with that welcoming voice of yours. A hint of happiness graced your tone, you were happy that it was them ordering again.

Although you still think that their obsession with mediocre pizza is a little concerning, you ended up forming some sort of friendship with them. An odd one for sure, but you're still happy about it.

When you first met them, they would always give you some really scary vibes. They were so, well, cold and closed off. Never smiling, never giving tips, always in a terrible mood, etc.

But recently, they started to treat you with so much respect, even joking about your job with you. The first time you saw them smile, you thought you were seeing a completely different person.

You're still glad you found this new version of them. They look happier and you felt good for them. Maybe they have found their own happiness.

To hear your confirmation was the most exciting thing they could have heard all day! They were sulking in this disgusting room all day, yet hearing that you're coming makes them feel alive!

They can't even hide their excitement, you can hear them being happy and giggly over the idea of you coming over. Even if technically you're only coming there to deliver them their order and all.

When the call ends, they soon are brought back to reality. When they were talking to you, they felt like they were in the best place on Earth, yet when they looked around their apartment they could only observe the clues of a disgusting creature living in this dirty ass place without ever cleaning it, not even once.

It's a depressing sight, yet they have learned to deal with it. It was normal for them to be lazy and an absolute pig, although they are aware that even pigs are a lot cleaner than them.

They should at least take a shower before you come in.

And just as the idea of you being anywhere near them came into their mind, their personality had switched again, from a grumpy depressed loser to… to…

To whatever the hell they are right now!

Seriously, they were feeling like shit all day, yet at the moment the opportunity to see you comes up, they feel like their day it's already 100 times better!

They feel their heart pounding at an incredible passing, the water of the shower hitting their skin helping their temperature to cook down. They don't even feel so cold anymore, they feel- Powerful!

They feel better than the last time they saw you, which was yesterday, so it doesn't even make sense for them to miss your presence the way that they do, but still!

Apparently even the fungus seemed to be happier about this situation, as their arms weren't itchy at all and the headache they were feeling seemed to have stopped.

They thought the thing was only awaiting its meal, as all living creatures do when faced with the opportunity to get food without any efforts put into it.

It was as if the motive to actually fix a little bit of this place had suddenly appeared at the mention of your arrival! It was uncommon for them to do such a thing, even for a guest, and their neighbors can testify.

Not that they would want to be involved in their life either way, their neighbors know how unpleasant they can be, even to those that live near them.

To think your presence has such an impact on them and their life, even though they never experienced anything like this before, their sudden change in mood never really crossed their minds as being bad or unconventional. It just… Happens.

And- It doesn't feel bad at all.

Maybe this lonely loser is finally understanding the importance of healthy social interactions! Good for them?!

After getting out of the shower and putting their clothes back on, they straight up jump out of the bathroom to complete their next task, which was making their apartment seem a little more *pleasant", at least for someone that was looking at it from the other side of their door.

But before they could do much, their apartment bell rang and you called them from the other side of the door. You did something, however, that would soon be proven to be a bad decision.

You have decided to call them by their name instead of the usual "your pizza is here" or whatever the hell you used to scream so the customers could hear. You thought that you had spent enough time with them to be able to use their name in a friendly manner, which was nothing wrong with that, dearest! Is just that-

They haven't been able to hear people say their name in such a friendly way in a long, long time. It's both refreshing and terrifying how they craved that form of attention.

And what is just as terrifying is how fast they throw their body towards the door, like a desperate addicted trying to reach their dose of dopamine. But that comparison it's absurd, right? It has nothing to do with the current situation.

Oh no, wait-

"- [Y-Y/N]!? You came in e-earlier than I thought! How is everything going??" They would welcome you in, but the truth is that they haven't been able to finish all of the cleaning. Basically, they took all of the garbage that was in front of the door's view and put it deeper in their apartment.

Just like sweeping dirt under the rug, you were only able to see a moderately good looking apartment behind them, yet in reality, all of the dirty dishes and clothes that were previously laying around there, were now shoved under some tables in a desperate need to impress you.

Even if a little bit.

Because of how suddenly they opened the door and came into view, you got yourself a little spooked by the taller figure in front of you. They always looked pretty scary in your eyes, yet recently you started to notice that they have a softer side.

You can't help but associate them with big scary dogs, you guess that they only put some sort of facade to keep themselves appearing to be tough and strong and "scary". You can't lie that they got you pretty good the first time you met.

You answer them, telling how hard it has been to work in an awful pizzeria while the world is burning and a weird disease suddenly has been discovered out of nowhere. They tried their best to continue the small talk, yet it seemed like they didn't need to do much because soon enough you were babbling about your life.

They loved it, you were always so talkative, even to a complete stranger. They wanted to pay close attention to you and what you were saying yet they simply couldn't! Your presence was so overbearingly sweet that they thought they would have a heart attack!

I'm being serious though, their heart started to accelerate out of nowhere and a weird feeling started to arise inside their hearts. They felt so weird and uncomfortable because of the sudden sensations yet- It felt so good in a way.

They felt alive for once, they felt- They felt like they were capable of anything!

Yet they still felt like they needed something more than just… This, whatever the hell is giving them such a wonderful feeling. Could it really be you, the cause of such wonderful emotions to bloom?

Your skin looked so soft, your smile was so gentle even when you were focused on giving them their order, you looked like you cared for them so much that when you noticed their odd behavior you put your hand in their shoulder.

This one, simple little contact managed to get a hold of them and their thoughts, their breathing now way faster and frantic than before.

How long have they been without a human touch? They are pretty sure it wasn't long, yet they still feel… Shamefully needy.

They can't tell what's worse, trying to convince you that they were okay, or trying to convince themselves to not do something stupid. They didn't know what it was, but there was a suspicious feeling crawling up their spine, the feeling that if they didn't control themselves something bad could happen.

They lied of course, saying they were just- Dizzy and a little tired, that they were doing everything on auto pilot, and even if you end up believing them, the moment you take your hand away us the moment they regret not giving in to whatever odd urge they were having a couple of seconds ago.

You were soon about to leave, they didn't even notice that they were holding the pizza box and almost let it fall from their loose grip.

"- H-Hey, wait! [Y/N] I-" they sounded absolutely pathetic, they sounded desperate for your attention but at least it seemed like you didn't mind or simply didn't notice their tone of voice.

You were causing so much frustration yet you remained oblivious to their suffering.

"- Do you… Perhaps, want to hangout later? I-If you're not busy, of course…." They sounded like a teenager who just confessed their crush on someone, well, if they were trying in that situation, normally the other person would at least be aware of their feelings.

But no, of course they aren't and of course you only see their offer as a way to call you for a friendly date.

People sweet and naive like you used to get on their nerves, they used to ignore your type of person yet-

Here they are! Being pathetic and stuttering, the only good thing to come out of this interaction was that you accepted their offer.

At least you're kind enough to accept to meet this poor thing again in a more private scenario. Not in your daily "customer and worker" type of interaction.

And as your form goes away at each step you take, the intrusive thoughts start to come in again. Those thoughts, those pains from earlier, everything was starting to get back.

It really does seem like you're the cause for their problems. Their headaches, their low self-esteem thoughts, the stupid fungus itching their skin, all of that was your fault… Somehow.

In someway or another you were the one that would always show up in their dreams, in their intrusive thoughts. They closed the door to their apartment while slowly placing the pizza on their coffee table, since now their mind was starting to come up with the solution to their daily pains.

This is not about pizza, this is about you! About how you consume their mind, even when you aren't present.

Although, every time you're near them, they feel so much better, like all of their issues have gone away.

That 's it! You're not only the source of their problems, but also the solution! Oh, that 's perfect! They know exactly what they need to do to make sure you cure them.

Yeah… YEAH! YES! They won't need to suffer every day waiting for the next time to see you, they can simply have you by their side, right??!

Please, please tell them, please tell this mad person that you'll cure them of the same thing you contaminated them with!!

Please… They feel so, so cold and lonely. Their only company is a parasite who seems to agree with this person's mad, delusional thoughts.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

#yandere #sheep stuff #sheep's stuff #yandere x reader #yandere fanfics #yandere fanfic #yandere short fanfiction #yandere virus #yandere mushroom #yandere zombie #special delivery request #special delivery short fanfiction

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rosesmith18 · 4 years

Text

Cuties Movie

Okay, for starters no I have not watched this movie, and I do not plan to. I have, however watched/read some reviews and get the gist. The point of me making this post is to say something that I would say to the creator if I had her email.

(Now, I’m not saying harass her or anything cause I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, and I don’t want anyone going to jail.)

First the basics, what made this woman(Maïmouna Doucouré) think that anyone was going to sit back and let child actors be sexualized to spread a message?! When you make movies spreading messages about how rape is a prominent issue that should be taken seriously you don’t actually have the actors get raped! It’s implied, because you known, it is ILLEGAL to rape someone for ANY REASON! They don’t use teenage actors in shows like Glee for a reason, because in that show the teens might be in more provocative or dangerous situations that aren’t appropriate for real teens.

This sexualization of children bothers me for multiple reasons. One, those actors don’t know any better than actually young girls, just cause their actors doesn’t mean their more mature. Secondly, one of the biggest problems in the acting industry is the sexual abuse female, male, young & older actors endure. For all anyone knows these young female actresses could be victims of the industries sexual abuse. Thirdly, the trauma these sexual experiences will leave on them is real. It’s been proven time & time again that just watching someone be sexual harassed can cause ptsd in people for years. It doesn’t matter how many times these girls are told the sexualization is fake, just an act. It is still very likely to leave a mental affect on them. That fear the actress feels when she runs off stay in the movie is likely more real than any of the coaches, actors, producers, etc know. Lastly, if any parents gets the bright idea to actually show this to their child in hopes it will teach them to not sexualize themselves. They risk traumatizing their child, and/or teaching them the opposite.

This movie has a rating 18+ plus for a reason. The people who rated this movie were aware that is was too sexual for children which should have been a huge red flag for it’s creators. This is ignoring the stupidly obvious problems; The camera’s being too close to the girls crotches, the club bouncers who showed actual interest in the main character when she twerks, the man in the audience during the dance competition who also shows interest. The fact that this movie is so openly available to PEDO’S! Who will no doubt watch it for sick, twisted reasons.

I even have to say the biggest risk of this movie is a pedo parent, uncle, cousin, babysitter, etc showing this to a kid in hopes of teaching them to act like the unaware, young girls. Anyone could be a pedo as sad as it sounds, and they use these pieces of media to instill their ideals into children. They can completely cut out the parts that claim this type of behavior is inappropriate for kids, and just show the child the characters in the movie naively having fun, being encouraged, etc to do these sexual things.

None of this had to happen to make the creators point. She could have implied the behavior the girls were partaking in. A person on youtube made a great point that during the dancing competitions you could have just showed the girls faces, and the audiences reactions. The movie industry uses these tactics during sex scenes, action scenes, horror scenes, and even dance scenes all the time to avoid having to shoot difficult angles or making the movie open to younger viewers. The creator could have made this a book if she felt the scenes truly important with a book she wouldn’t have made several child actresses the targets of pedophilia driven viewers, even possible pedo stalkers.

As someone who has been sexualized by her father & step-father I have struggled with my sexual image for years, and all this movie has done is made me fear for tons of little girls, especially the actresses. I know from experience exactly what pedophiles will do with this movie, they will take these little girls, and idolize them as the sex toys they wish all little boys & girls would be like. They’ll harass these actresses online and in real life for years to come.

#Cuties #maimouna doucoure #Mignonnes #Thoughts

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spiritualgateway · 3 years

Text

We are not impressed

wiritten by Steven Black:

Welcome.

This is mission control. We come with greetings from home and some thoughtful words. When we wrote you in the manual to act like natives on Earth and act just as narrow-minded, alarmist and ignorant as the majority of this planet lives, we did NOT mean this to be a permanent condition. It was only meant to allow you to pass as natives and be accepted as the same. We brought you, the troublemakers and rebels of the universe on board to kick the butts of the powerful on the planet hard, get things moving and wake up the sleeping majority rudely.

You've done a wonderful job of that. We are pleased about that. However, we are not impressed by the fact that a lot of you have been treading water ever since, doing nothing but creating more excitement and spreading some sensational information. No, folks. There was nothing about this in the manual and it wasn't planned that way. Seriously, we are not amused.

A few of you are running around proclaiming, "look, the end is near," and other participants in the cosmic plan suddenly desperately want to be Germans, Austrians, or whatever, and are indulging in national small-mindedness.

Hello, seriously now?

At the beginning some of us found it funny to observe beings, which were always known in the universe for expansion that they were suddenly occupied with shrinking and decreasing. Meanwhile, we don't find it so funny anymore. We find it quite exhausting. Like, by the way, some of the other things you fabricate there on Earth.

For the majority of the planet it is an accustomed, acceptable condition to see themselves only as receivers of information. You can just slap everything around their ears. And it is considered completely normal to simply pass on any information, no matter how negative and fearful it may be. They however should know that they are receiver AND transmitter of information. Please use your consciousness and your mind in the future, when you receive negative information again, before you simply pass it on. That is what a mind is for. You use it. Please be aware that any information should be checked for validity and sense first.

Further, make sure that what you want to pass on is really useful and helpful to other people. As a sender of information, you have a responsibility. Ask yourself, is this really the kind of energy I want to send into the world? It's not about not giving criticism. It's about examining that criticism for validity and usefulness. What is of no use to anyone is a waste of time - and energy.

Whether something is true or not cannot be evaluated by internet. None of you know the people behind who spread such information. You know neither their motives, nor the personal backgrounds to judge something like that. And the anonymous sources they refer to - well, the mainstream media work the same way. They know that, "close intelligence circles said, blah blah blah." Meanwhile, the "alternative media" is starting to work the same way.

Anyone can claim to care about humanity, the people or whatever. Most of the time other interests are at the forefront. Their predictable reaction when they believe this is fear, resistance, powerlessness, anger, hatred. It lowers their personal energy vibration to a little light that may just be blinking.

Did you know that there are more and more "social bots" in your so-called "social networks"? These are small programs that collect and spread information, especially used in political discussions, but also in sports and dating portals. Various political and economic interest groups use this tool to create the "right mood".

The postings are attributed to real people, but in fact various "News" are generated automatically and by machine. These social bots are so adaptable that it is almost impossible to distinguish between human and machine. At least not if you don't bother to check these "news".

Today, hate propaganda and xenophobia is often created by software and scattered on the Internet. There, this "fake news" meets people who, without checking, simply believe it because it seems to fit with their worldview - and off it goes, creating shitstorms. Be very clear about this. Just because something is possible doesn't mean it has to happen. But it can happen if you are not aware that your reaction serves the interests of power groups that are masters in creating enemy images and are very adept at turning people against each other.

There is a war going on on your planet for the information interpretation sovereignty, because "the power behind the throne" is fighting for its survival. Hereby it is tried to direct your attention and to areas which are far away from your personal life. Population management means arousing fears, reducing positive energies, injecting powerlessness and victim consciousness, and psychologically overwhelming the citizen in order to channel a reaction of anger, indignation, rejection. If consciousness has been successfully directed to a situation with a lot of information, some of it contradictory, and the individual is confused, the desired reaction occurs.

Stirring up trouble and waking up are only a tiny part of the multi-step plan, the main part is that you come back into your full power and demonstrate to the earthlings how to radiate from within. You seem to have completely skimmed over this chapter, or, knowing you, you didn't read it at all. This is bad. For us and for you. Not to mention the majority of the planet. All this 3 D actionism is starting to worry us. We get the strong impression that some of you are stuck in the middle of the process.

You are just repeating the information education that we started since the 1990s. All the information about the elite of this planet, mental manipulation, pharma, military, politics, wars, etc., served a purpose, but really should not be used for you to go here and point fingers at the supposed bad guys. Nor should you fight against them. We were hoping you would see the bigger picture in this. By processing the information given and really getting the point in what it's all about - which is you, personally - and realizing how the planet is controlled so YOU could stop falling for it and raise your personal vibration. Okay, didn't work so well, at least not for many of you.

Please try to understand that the power behind the "official power", basically profits from hatred, anger, powerlessness, even if this hatred may be directed against them themselves, or various political, economic interests in which they have invested and are involved. Because anger, fear, rage, hatred, powerlessness, victim consciousness and helplessness are very low vibrating energy fields, the more people are stuck in it, the bigger the field and the easier it is to maintain the "status quo" and carry out their plans.

The fear of a world war and/or an irrational religious war of course works very much into their hands. This is how the old energy works, always has and it is now fighting for survive. Scattering fear, uncertainty and doubt are a powerful weapon in the hands of those who for millennia have power over the planet.

In the course of the further step ignition it comes now to the intensified dissolution of your energetic barriers, within their multi-dimensional bodies. You have probably already noticed that they are becoming more permeable. That is why these fear-inducing messages have such an impact on you. And if you do not make an effort to clear your emotional body, you may not succeed in overcoming the low vibrational fields. Because these go into resonance with repressed and hidden contents IN your own consciousness and your emotional field.

You are here to raise these fields. Since we cannot need energetic blockages, or various subtle constructs that block the energies we send to your material body and Mother Earth through YOU. Because if you are not free of these blockages, the soul parts and energies that we send to you for support keep coming back to us. We send in, it comes back. We send in, it comes back. We find this annoying, constantly operating in repeat mode without getting anywhere. So please, finally take care of it.

We are very aware that you are tired and very disillusioned. We told you at the beginning - going to Earth is one of the hardest jobs in the universe. But we also know you can still do it, and you will. Apart from that, unfortunately, there is no alternative. There is only you. You are all we have and we put all our trust in you - still, because we have no other choice.

While the denial of the facts staggers along its peak, the biosphere contains less and less oxygen, the food is enriched with more and more toxins and the ecological balance mutates to a term that mocks every serious description. However, there are no other special forces which we could send to mankind to hold it back from the abyss of self-destruction. They are on their own. You all knew this before and now we remind you again of the briefing that you found so boring.

They were so full of themselves and thought it would be a piece of cake to take care and clean up on Earth. But the 3 D Matrix had them all under its spell. Unpleasant surprise, isn't it? In our experience, it takes a good 30-50 Earth years to fight your way through it. We gave you that time, but believe us - if you had paid more attention during the briefing and read the manual or at least just the emergency edition, you would have been spared a lot. Hopefully, that will teach you a lesson for the next time.

Please be aware, we need you! Mankind needs you, the earth needs you. And we have heard your personal calls for more help, which you sent to us on behalf of the people. But since this is probably a big misunderstanding on your part, we would like to remind you of another section of the briefing:

YOU are the help you are calling for! You and all other suicidal volunteers ARE the help we sent!

Pretending now that you are not in charge and hoping others will do the job will not look good on your leadership record. And demanding that God finally step in and fix this problem (yes, we heard that exactly) gives some of you an even less appealing report card. People caused the problems, people need to solve them too. Besides, God is at present fully occupied with the re - organization of universe and the creation of new codes and must not be disturbed (HE has given us personally to understand this).

You are on earth. You are responsible. You wanted the job and YOU also got it. So you make now obligingly something halfway reasonable from it.

Your present reality on earth looks honestly quite shitty. And that is actually good and wakes you up. There are truly more uplifting images we can imagine than watching a world afflicted by madness, whose social, economic and political world structure is falling apart, die. But that, of course, is what it's all about - dying. Your old, familiar, accustomed world is dying and there is nothing you can do about it. But many of you still try to stubbornly hold on to the old reality - and stop the dying process.

Things are changing, sometimes tremendously and in ways that none of you can oversee. However, you can help shape the way it happens. How chaotic it becomes is entirely in your hands. Some helpful points in this regard, for your kind attention:

Keep a little distance from the free will of others and tame your spiritual ambition. Or best of all, direct the energy of your ambition toward the avoidance of spiritual ambition.

If someone is desperate to spin the wheel, don't stop him. Cheer him on, because only a crash landing will bring him back to his senses.

Please give up your remaining victim attitude and switch into the responsible creator mode. We certainly understand and know from our own earth experience how difficult it can be to discard cherished worries and various notions of how small and helpless you are. It's so terribly convenient to rant about everything and name culprits, there's no need to get off your own butt.

Spread courage and optimism, no matter how little it may seem to be justified - but appearances are deceptive, they are always blinding. NOTHING is as it appears to be.

Please stop trying to dissolve your ego. Instead, see to it that you get a reasonably sane ego that is at peace with itself. You cannot dissolve your ego, you can only split it off. And that is not something we would like to see in you. "The ego" is your vehicle through which you were able to have an experience in the first place.

Please do not pretend that you are invulnerable and untouchable. What is happening here hurts, allow that pain. Meet the shadows inside you, integrate and digest these inner shadows. This will hurt, real shadow work breaks you open. This is a good thing and prevents the pain inside from forming into a weapon that turns against you.

Stay with yourself even when the world around you seems to be going crazy. Sweep outside your own front door, there is plenty to do there.

Rise above the low fields and try to wring something good out of your life.

Never forget that you are a star child who has successfully completed this task in many corners of the galaxy. Earth may be a particularly stubborn nut to crack, but you will crack that nut. In any case, giving up is not an option. Please pull yourself together and hold out, that would be even nicer.

Come on, impress yourself! Show us who you are and please stop playing the tourist!

Written in the style of E.T. 101.

Nothing you read here is THE truth. It is my truth, my perception and how I see things – now, in this moment.

Until next time same station ..

THE INFORMATION SPACE

#spiritual

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dandyvespa · 4 years

Text

I-Land Final Episode and Thoughts *SPOILERS! duh*

For anyone who has kept up with I-Land, I understand how emotional and nerve-wracking this episode was for them. After developing a connection with a lot of the participants and sharing in their memories, its hard to see anyone being let go. It has been just as much of journey for them as it was for the fans who supported them and at the end of the day, regardless of who debuts, there will be people who will be disappointed by the final results. But please please PLEASE understand that you should not put the blame on them or even break them down just because your favorite did not make it. All of these boys worked hard to get where they are and though it stings for those who did not make it, please support whatever flower path any of them have taken and continue to support and spread love. With that being said, I would just like to use the rest of this post on my final thoughts on the episode and debut line. If you are caught up with the show, please read ahead. Thank you :)

First I would like to say that the preparations done for the final performance, the OT22 interaction and performance, the funny bits of preparing PR videos, dividing roles, and playing Truth or Dare, and the home-cooked meals sent from their parents were all just an emotional roller coaster. I laughed and I cried. To see those boys grow was something very special to me and to see their individual selves shine through personalities or skills were always a treat. Having these segments were really meant to lighten the mood for the final lineup to come. Personally, Sunghoon developed the most out of his shy exterior and his personality was so confident and funny in the pre-recorded videos. I also thought Jay... could never escape his dark history LOL. Also Heeseung’s brother teasing him and telling him to tell Jay he adores him was very cute. Seeing everyone help each other with the PR videos was adorable and heart-warming (Heeseung even had a whole production team haha). Jungwon dressed up as a sheep still sticks with me though haha. Seeing OT22 come together also had me in tears and stitches. It was so cute seeing them all hang out in I-land and despite how whack it was for the Grounders to never experience it, they looked so happy being with their friends and taking part in this little world even if it was for a short time. Also loved how they would easily throw others under the bus during Truth or Dare and the Questions they voted on. The love and support their parents got and how each of them could not hold back their tears was really the icing on the cake. No matter where these boys go, their family will always be their for them more than anything else. Just all those moments leading up to their debut lineup really put a toll on me and it just made me feel like a proud mom

Okay the team name? I am sooooooooooo glad its not Dragon Gee or Dee or whatever that speculated name was going around on Twitter. Enhypen is odd but in a good way. Its different and it will stick with time even though I still may just call them the I-Land group for now lol. Pretty curious about what the fandom name will be too (but honestly I think I would still call myself an Eggie haha).

TXT and BTS’s presence was neat. I wish more of the TXT member’s got to speak but having them all physically there was nice. Though I will say it was just awkward not seeing them cheer as much. I also felt like BTS was just bored at some points or were just glazing over when having to wait on each member getting called out. They did have their humorous moments which was nice to see, definitely lifted the tension in the room and I’m glad they joked a bit (especially Suga losing it lol) instead of remaining completely serious. Their advice and encouragement were all appreciated too. Jhope being an avid viewer really showed. Also plus points for Jungwon getting Jungkook’s attention uwu. I still wish they could have interacted more and mentored some of them over the course of the show. The slim TXT interactions with Heeseung such as Taehyun and Yeonjun’s reactions made me wanting more damn it. But hey, at least we get to see them more often in the BigHit building. I love a good family.

So the Calling performance was A M A Z I N G. I personally thought they were so coherent as a group and made me wishing OT9. There were some who really shine in their parts, but I think all of them stood out one or more times to me. The dance was pretty powerful and a lot of them improved vocally. Again, it makes me feel like a proud mom seeing them all at this point, grown and amazing. The Into the I-Land performance also made me feel that way as well. They all looked so good together and were pretty in sync given that they were fucking 22 of them. The nostalgia was really hitting in me and I also teared uo like a big ass baby. But can I just say... and let’s be real here.... Every single song on this show has been a bop and I would be thrilled to see a whole Soundtrack Album for I-Land on Spotify. Like P L E A S E.

Now onto the debut line! I was S H O C K E D. You can clearly tell these votes were not rigged in the slightest and this was solely based on global votes always shifting which was appreciated. I did not see this order coming and it did turn out slightly different then my post on my preferred I-Land debut line. So starting with number 1.... YANG FUCKING JUNGWON. I was pleasantly surprised and I literally jumped out of my bed when I heard him place first instead of Sunoo. This was the complete definition of people who initially slept on him finally waking. I was soooo thrilled. Bro really came in last by the last Producer vote and then climbed all the way to first. Our lovely sheep garden and hidden ace, a big congrats!

Jay also left his cursed 6th spot and got second! Again another well-deserved man who gave it his all from the beginning and was no stranger to being straightforward and a go getter. His stubbornness and hilarity will lead this group lol.

Jake getting third was a big shock as well. Our icon of improvement! To think he was always on the verge of getting placed out of the top 7 members and made it here? Also considering his benefit put him in 7th once when he literally could have been the eliminated member that episode. UGH. Our Aussie boy did great and seriously improved performance after performance.

Next up.... NIKIIIIIII. Now I’m gonna be real I thought it was gonna be K. I never placed Niki in my debut prediction, but his Flame On performance really change everything for me. Actually, just the whole second part of I-Land was very impactful for him. I was always hesitant about his sportsmanship and whether he was too selfish in the first part (the constant evil-editing did not help, Mnet...), but thanks to other members, he really matured and took a greater lead in things. I really began to fall for him when we got to see him more playful and interactive with other members. Like I really thought he was much happier and understanding throughout the second half of the show. So kudos to him!

Coming in 5th place was Heeseung. I was actually confused man. When he was called first at this point, I just knew this global vote line up will be verrrry different. I was still relieved that he made it and seeing him choke up, this boy who has been going at it the longest among the 9 participants at 3 years to finally debut.... Gosh I could not. As someone who is also Heeseung biased, I was so so so happy for him. Think we all know regardless of which place he got, the boy was destined to debut. My Ace heart feels full ^^. Go get him Leader!!!

Now 6th place... my Ice Prince... Sunghoon! I was actually the most nervous for him. I saw so many people saying that Sunghoon was last in votes or was in danger because a lot of people had the mentality that given his popularity they should reserve the votes for the people who would most likely be eliminated. I think that’s why Heeseung and Sunoo were scored low too. Now I am also biased towards him. I was thinking like what would I do if none of my favorite Bighit trainees (Heeseung, Jay, Sunghoon, and Jungwon) do not make it? But when he was called to take up the last spot in global voting, I did a back flip (not really but yeah lol). Given that Sunghoon has never gotten any brutal feedback from the Producers and has always adapted to each concept, he deserved this. Just everything he has been through... And shifting his life from being an ice skater of 10 years to this path as an idol.... hold up let me get some damn tissues. May he continue to break out of his shell and show his continuous charms!

Ok the producer choice for 7th place... Again did not see that coming. Sunoo constantly ranking high in global votes only to be one of the deciding factors was another big surprise. I have said that Sunoo’s sunshine personality would be needed, especially if the group were to do cute or youthful concepts. His health had been concerning, but he was able to manage himself so well. Even with powerful choreo! He is not really one of the best dancers but he had always been able to do his part. I really thought the Producers would choose K, but I really thought Bang PD boiled it down to overall skill and personality appeal. He even claimed that Sunoo would connect best with the world with his joyful outlook. I honestly could not agree more. I just people do not rail him for being picked as they should now understand he is not just some cute face and has proven that multiple times. Sunshine Fighting! :)

The eliminated trainees were K and Daniel. Though I thought Daniel has improved a lot, he was just outshined. I also think at his age he should have more time spent in sharpening his skills. What was more devastating was K. He looked like he was obliterated. I mean both of them were naturally sad, but K was just gone to me. I was really hoping that he would make the debut line. K has shown himself as a performer multiple times and was praised for his choreography skills. He even showed to have learned from past behaviors and matured more as a person when taking the leader role. To see him grow and understand where he went wrong.... ugh I really could not bear him looking that way. His thoughts were all over the place and he could barely choke out what he wanted to say. I just hope he meant what he said and actually continues to enjoy music and develop himself as a performer. I knew how much his mom was initially livid at the idea of him becoming an idol so I hope he gets another chance at showing her that he can still do this. Now understand this does not mean you should blame Sunoo for being chosen or complain that Sunoo does not deserve it. I already feel like he is gonna be haunted with the grim reminder that he was chosen instead and think that he doesn’t deserve this because he is not as skilled as K. And people are gonna bandwagon hate on him... and again I say please DO NOT DO THAT. At the end of the day, no matter how much you want OT9 or OT22, this is a survival show and these participants signed up for this. Yes there will be fans who are disappointed, but you shouldn’t waste your anger on the other trainees who were able to succeed instead of your faves. I don’t want this moment to completely wreck K or Daniel’s chances at being an idol again. Same goes for rest of the eliminated I-Land members. This is definitely not the end for any of them so please go on with hope guys because I know you will still have many people’s support! They will end up on the same stage as their colleagues one day.

The last thing I want to say is that though this has been a tough journey and though there may be people who will not be satisfied with the debut line, everyone worked hard. From the participants to the fans and even the Producers, all of them played a special role in making I-Land bearable and exciting to watch. This is a big congrats to everyone who took part in the show despite having to go through many hardships. With that being said let us continue to support the futures of the eliminated I-Land members as well as the grand success of Enhypen. I smell 4th gen leaders :D. Welcome to the BigHit family Enhypen and may your fans, your wings, fly you even higher once you officially debut. F I G H T I N G!

Now... will you guys join in during the next season of I-Land for the next global girl group? :3

.... Ya’ll already know I am lol.

#I-land #iland #enhypen #jungwon #jay #jake #niki #heeseung #sunghoon #sunoo #bts #txt #kpop #kpop survival show #kpop thoughts #kpop opinions #bighit #mnet

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unikornavenger · 3 years

Text

Having a Seat at the Table

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27564421

Warnings: Anxiety, low-key cursing, arguing, nothing too bad

Word Count: 2275

A/N: I wrote and edited this in like two hours two nights ago in a mad frenzy after not finishing any writing in an extremely long time, so keep that in mind.

Summary: After Putting Others First, no one wants to tell Virgil what happened, so he confronts Jan- Deceit- about what happened.

Alright, onward with the story!

He blows out a breath with a force that swishes his bangs.

He can do this.

It’s just a door, then a conversation. Besides, he’s been meaning to do this for a long time.

He raps on the door three times.

Brief flashes of memories scatter through his brain: his small frame trembling as he knocked on the door in the hopes that someone would finally answer, lightly tapping on the door as he wondered if he would be let in again or if it was just a one-time fluke, elation and joy filling his entire person as he called out to the person on the other side of the door, the door slamming in his face combined with threats that if he ever touched this door again, a loud noise wouldn’t be the only thing coming his way.

“You may enter.”

Another breath exits his mouth. Game face on.

He twists the doorknob, letting the all too familiar pale yellow walls fill his vision in contrast to the dark oak floors. It’s eerie how similar the room looks. The bed is in the same place with the same black comforter with shiny triangles on them if you look at it in a particular light. The only notable change is the dark chair shaped like a throne smack dab in the middle of the room.

“Ah, Virgil,” sitting in the chair, Deceit turns around. Apparently, it’s a swivel chair, Virgil thinks distantly. “Well, this is most certainly unexpected.” His elbows rest on the arms of the chair and his fingertips are spread apart and pressed together. His head is slightly tilted forward as one side of his mouth is lifted the smallest bit.

Literally the personification of a Disney villain.

Virgil snarled, “Cut the crap, Deceit.”

“Oh?” Deceit raises an eyebrow. Virgil feels his body fill with resentment at Deceit’s complacency. A feeling of static courses through his veins. In the back of his mind, he feels his hands begin to shake.

He stalks into the room, slamming the door behind him. He points an accusatory finger as Deceit adopts an amused face, “I want you to tell me what the hell you did upstairs.”

“So, to the point,” Deceit leans forward as he places his elbows on his knees and cups his chin in his hands. “What happened to ‘Oh, hello, Deceit!’ or ‘What a wonderful opportunity to speak with you again, Deceit!’”

Oh my god. He forgot just how absolutely exhausting it is to have a proper conversation with him.

Virgil crosses his arms, with only a few feet of separation, keeping his glaring gaze aimed at Deceit, “I’m not leaving until I get an answer.”

“Mhmm, very well.” Deceit turns back to his desk that Virgil didn’t even notice until right now. Books litter the surface, lying haphazardly on top of each other. Half-filled sheets of paper are strewn about as well. Pens litter the table as does a single unsolved Rubix cube. What would Thomas’s deceit need to work out exactly? “We both know that one side staying in another’s room does wonders for their mental stability.”

Virgil represses a shudder as he recalls the night he figured out just how dangerous Deceit’s room could be.

He remembers shoving himself in the corner of the room as he felt cotton being shoved down his throat when, in reality, nothing was in his mouth. Deceit was demanding Virgil express his hatred toward the light sides. Virgil tried to cry out how Morality’s cheery disposition leaves him with cavities, how Logic’s propensity to correct everyone on everything turned him off, and how Creativity’s passionate need to overpower all ideas that aren’t his rubbed Virgil the wrong way.

But, those weren’t the full truths.

Suddenly, as the half-truths spilled out of his mouth, each word turned to dust in his mouth. His throat not functioning at all and panic rising as he sought refuge in the farthest space from Deceit. He didn’t want him to know the full extent of his words. He couldn’t be kicked out of the dark sides.

Virgil sniffs, “Well, I guess we’ll both have to deal if it comes to that. Now, I will only repeat my question one more time: what did you do?”

“Ugh,” Deceit exclaims, twisting around to face Virgil again, “why are you coming to the self-proclaimed master of decep-”

Virgil interrupts him by rushing up and grabbing two fistfuls of Deceit’s shirt and pulling him out of his seat, “I am not kidding around.” He could feel his eyes widen and him baring his teeth. “You need to tell me why when I asked everyone how the video went Logan mumbled that he wasn’t feeling well, Patton said he didn’t think it was a good idea, and I haven’t even seen Roman.” He lets out a humorless laugh, “I haven’t heard from any of them in three days. It’s been three days, Deceit! Tell me what happened!”

His breath is coming out in short pants now and his hands are turning white from the vice grip he has on Deceit’s clothes. Virgil searches Deceit’s eyes for something. Anything. To the untrained eye, he would appear calm and collected, but after years of Virgil having to translate all of his actions into honest words, he sees something foreign. Something weird glimmering underneath the surface.

“Once you put me down, perhaps we can speak as equals.”

Virgil lets go as feels some satisfaction in his stomach as Deceit lets out an oomph from hitting his chair.

The deceitful side adjusts his top and stands up to being pacing around his desk. “You see, Virgil, I was only doing my job up there.” He grabs a pen from his desk and begins twirling it in his hand. The practiced motion is so fluid as the pen seems to twirl itself and travel between his fingers. “You of all people should know that how people react to you doing your job is not your responsibility.”

“Okay, sure, but one needs to know when to hold back and apologize when they do something wrong.” He waves his hands frantically, “Don’t push us off-topic.”

He places the pen back on his desk, “If you want to know what went so wrong, why don’t you ask Thomas?”

Virgil feels himself stiffen. He’s not ready yet to talk to Thomas by himself. He’s sure that those two consecutive trainwrecks of videos are not conducive to Thomas or himself being ready for an emotionally charged conversation.

But, Deceit doesn’t need to know that.

“I- Thomas has been busy and-” his hand suddenly flies up and slaps him over his own mouth.

Deceit turns around with a fist in the air and feigns surprise, “Oh, no, no, no, Virgie.” He unclenches his hand, “You know lying is not permitted in this room.”

Virgil hears his heart clamoring in his chest and his hands become slick.

Crap.

“Well, I’m not the only one who’s avoiding telling me the truth.”

Deceit holds up his hands in admission, “You got me there.” He flings his cape backward to sit on his bed without wrinkling his cape. He pats the empty space next to him, “Sit down for a little storytime.”

“I prefer to stand.”

“Suit yourself. So, the thing is,” he takes a dramatic pause (Jesus Christ, does this man think he’s Roman? Cut to the chase!). He takes off both of his gloves and places them in his lap.

Virgil takes a step back but doesn’t say anything on the subject further. He hasn’t seen Deceit’s bare hands in years. It’s almost like he forgot they existed. At least it seems like he’s taking his inquiry seriously.

“Thomas needs to realize that Patton is pushing him over the edge.”

“What?” Virgil takes up a defensive stance. What does he have against Patton now?

“Please,” he looks up with pleading eyes, “let me finish.”

The uncharacteristic earnestness in Deceit’s voice and face is so alarming. Virgil’s head is literally screaming for him to leave, but he can’t afford to miss this opportunity for answers.

Deceit resumes, “He wanted Thomas to put his mental health on the line to make someone else happy.” He gulps, “I could not let that behavior continue. Thomas cannot be sent into a mental health crisis in order for him to learn his limits.” His gloves drop to the floor, “That is completely unacceptable behavior from Morality.”

Virgil swallows, “Okay, so, that explains Patton’s reluctancy. Um, Logan?”

“Ah, yes, I may or may not have pulled him out of the entire video in order to get my point across.”

Virgil sends him a semi-eye-roll mixed with pursed lips, “Should’ve known you weren’t as good as you were making yourself seem.”

Deceit inhales sharply, “Of course not.” He picks up his gloves, “Someone has to pick up your task of keeping everyone on their toes.”

Ouch, but he didn’t come here to make amends with Deceit or even to defend himself.

“Uh, so, Roman? What’d you do to him?” Virgil shifts his stance as Deceit finally stands from his bed to meet his eyes as he slides his gloves back over his hands.

“He was obviously distrusting me due to his previous experiences with me. You know, harboring negative feelings toward someone is 100% conducive to a positive partnership.”

Virgil shakes his head as Deceit mumbles, “I, also, may have called him evil.”

Virgil’s expression changes immediately, hardening where he let cracks form when Deceit was explaining the previous situations. He should have known better than to let his guard down in front of the literal professional manipulator.

“Why?” He lets out through clenched teeth.

“It was necessary to get my point across. Crass or not, it already happened. What’s done is done.”

So blasé.

Virgil lets out a hollow laugh as he stabs a finger at Deceit’s chest, “This is why no one listens to you! You are literally the definition of a villain!”

Deceit sighs as he pushes away Virgil’s arm, “We all want to help Thomas in our own way. None of us are villains as you people love to imply.”

The audacity. “You are not who you think you are.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You hurt us. You punish us when things don’t go your way, lashing out in every single opportunity just so you can get in the last word.”

“I HELP Thomas get what he wants and deserves. I don’t know how much harder I can get it into your thick-”

“You only hurt people!” Virgil exclaims. These words gained so much dust over the years, and it feels so good for him to finally get it out of his system. It’s like he can finally breathe again, “There’s no compromising with you!”

“That’s not-”

“You force us into silence. Hiding away parts of Thomas you don’t want him to see.”

“He’s not ready to-”

“Thomas is a full-grown adult!” Virgil flails his arms wildly, and he swears he seems another glimmer in Deceit’s eyes, “I get that self-preservation has its time and place, but you’re taking it way too far!”

“I am protecting Thomas the same way you do.”

“Don’t you dare compare your actions to mine.” Virgil’s stomach flips as Deceit’s lips curl into a smirk.

“But, don’t we want the same thing? We just want to protect our darling boy.” He steps forward, “The only difference between us is that your forgiving personality has charmed Thomas and the others before mine could.”

“No, I-”

“We are two peas of the same pod, whether you like it or not.” Virgil represses a flinch as Deceit trails his finger along Virgil’s jaw, “You used to understand that so well.”

Virgil yanks himself out of Deceit’s grasp, “Yeah, well, I learned how to be listened to without being feared. I worked for a seat at that table. I didn’t just hurt people until they realized that they could never get rid of me. That’s you.”

“Well, in my defense, I did have to save myself from Roman’s onslaught of biting words.”

Virgil swallows. Uh oh. “Roman’s grown, unlike you.”

Deceit scoffs, “I beg to differ. He was all,” he clasps his hands and speaks in a high-pitched voice, “Oh, Thomas can’t put any good into the world with him here! He’s evil! Thomas is ethically compromised with Janus here!”

Wait.

What.

“You- you-” Virgil stammers, “Thomas-”

Deceit drops his hands and adopts a bored expression.

“Thomas let you have a seat at the table.” The words fall out of Virgil’s mouth without much thought before then. His throat begins to tighten.

“Oh, yes, and it was evidently very well received.”

Breathless, Virgil manages, “I can’t believe this.” He shakes his head at the ground. After all this time Virgil spent showing Thomas how Deceit can’t be trusted, he just lets it happen. He learned Deceit’s name. All that work for nothing.

They’re worse off from where they started.

How could he do this?

“It’s not that difficult to comprehend. We are now equals.”

Virgil looks at Deceit with a fire that could burn down a city, “We never have been and never will be the same. I refuse to be put in the same sentence as a manipulator who thinks the ends perpetually justify the means.”

Virgil turns away and walks toward Deceit’s door.

“Like it or not, Thomas has decided to trust me, Janus Sanders, with giving him well-needed advice.”

Virgil blinks, feeling the cool metal of the doorknob begin to burn his skin. He opens the door and faces Deceit, “Stay away from my family.”

Slam.

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #janus sanders #sanders sides fanfic #thomas sanders #uni writes #post-POF

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fairytsuk1 · 4 years

Text

trainwreck | pt.2

pairing: katsuki bakugou x reader

genre: fluff <3

warning: none! swearing lmao

words: 1,965

summary: after meeting in a rundown station, you both settle on a checkered blanket underneath the cherry blossoms

part one!

It felt straight out of a movie, the whole scene in front of you felt just like a romantic comedy. The ones where the boy is so obviously out of place, but it was still endearing somehow. Bakugou stood, a checkered blanket and basket in his hands. He was that boy in the movie, handsome but with his own unique charm that no other film could replicate. He was not just that boy. He was your boy. The Adam's apple in your throat bobbed, a wave of nervousness washed over you. You'd brought your own woven basket full of delicious treats you'd specially baked for this date, but now you fretted that it wasn't enough.

"Quit starin' and c'mere!" He shouted with his infamous scowl and low baritone voice before beginning to spread out the blanket, "I'll force-feed you if I have to! They took a lot of work!!"

He was nervous too, it was only the second date. What was supposed to happen on the second date? Hell if he knew, and he certainly wasn't going to ask his mom or dad. That was just asking for jokes about his love-life and whatnot, it was his business! Whatever. He'll figure it out because you're just a girl...just an adorable, charming, and cute girl.

"I didn't know you had it in you! You don't seem like the type to…" you grew quieter as you came face to face with a bouquet of Gardenias. White Gardenias, they were beautiful, "...to show up with flowers…"

You take them and swear you can feel the electricity when your fingers graze his own.

"What the hell does that mean?! Just...take the flowers. And don't look so shocked about it either! Sit down with me, I didn't bring all of this for nothing."

You sniffed them and savored the sweet, delicate scent before grinning widely. You donned a cute outfit, cozy but fashionable. Your mother-deemed by herself as the best consultant for dates-made sure to accessorize you for a final touch of pizazz. His eyes trailed over the various gems and shimmers that graced your body.

"You look cute."

"You look handsome! So...what'd you bring me?"

His shoulders dropped as he grew more relaxed and into the mood. You weren't a stranger; you were just someone who seemed to be occupying his mind everywhere he went. Must be a curse of the crush.

He began to rant about his experience making deli sandwiches and how "they better taste like heaven on bread!" but you could only focus on one thing. Him. His face was smooth with no blemishes and his hands seemed soft based on the light touch from before. You hadn't kissed him yet, but you knew well enough from the late-night video chats that his lips were cushy and smooth from the strawberry chapstick he wore.

"Are you listening?"

"Hah? Yeah."

"Don't worry, I'd tell you all over again if I had to." He snorted and pulled out a neatly wrapped sandwich. "This one's yours. I didn't know what you wanted, but everyone likes roast beef...right? Uh there's also turkey or chicken if you-"

"Did you seriously make me tons of different sandwiches because you didn't know what I liked? Why didn't you just text me?!"

"It would've ruined the surprise! I don't know what you brought so why should you know?!"

"That just seems like a waste-"

He shouted, but it wasn't malicious, "I'll eat all these goddamn sandwiches myself if I have to! Don't test me!"

The fact that he was getting riled up over some subs sent you into a fit of giggles causing you to fall back onto the soft blanket. He grumbled curses as he nudged your knee to "come up and eat!". Your stomach eventually ceased it's laughing fit and you sat back up while trying to bite back a smile. Bakugou had already started to eat in which he reminded you of a giant wolf. But if he was a wolf, what were you? Maybe a bunny? Either way, you two were an unlikely pair. You began to eat.

The first bite was an experience in itself, your tastebuds happily savoring the flavors of tomato, beef, and dijon mustard. The bread was even lightly toasted. A delightful moan escaped your lips as your tongue darted out to swipe over them once more. His red eyes roamed your face to search for any hint of dislike.

"Bakugou, this is so fucking good. I know you said you liked to cook, but I wasn't expecting corporate-level food!"

A smug grin tugged at his lips as he looked down and crumpled the wrapper. A "T" labeled on it for turkey was quickly hidden by the folds. He was also an organized guy though you knew that already. It was just as you thought when you caught a peek of his phone one time to see everyone's contacts labeled with photos. Yours had a heart next to it which you had pretended not to notice.

"Well, only for you. I'd hate to disappoint a pretty girl."

Warmth bloomed in your chest as you cheesed over the downright dangerously romantic line. The sun shone on you both, a gust of wind let the flower petals of the delicate cherry blossoms flow to the ground, an easy path left behind them. You took another bite and watched as he dug around in his basket, revealing chips that he opened and pointed towards you.

"We should've brought plates instead of wrappers and napkins. Don't you dare spill anything on my blanket or else my mom will have my ass!"

"Oh? Maybe then she'll finally know who her son keeps calling so late at night."

"You're the one that stays up late! It's none of her business anyways," he squinted at you as if to dig his heels into proving he'd never tell a soul before happily snacking on some chips.

"Well, whatever makes you comfy! It doesn't bother me."

As you finished up your absolutely delightful sandwich, Bakugou tugged on his bottom lip. You were completely comfortable in his presence, no tense energy or apprehensiveness radiated off of you.

"If you start overthinking Bakugou, you'll get painful gas."

"Who says something like that?! That's not even true! Your quirk's wrong, I'm just thinking."

"Uh-huh, I can feel your aura. You think too hard! You work hard all the time, so just relax, I'm not gonna go anywhere. Alright, time for my super awesome kickass and totally delicious desserts! So..."

The first Tupperware box contained two crispy brown flaky pieces of pie. The crust was cooked perfectly, and Bakugou's mouth watered as the cherries glistened with their sugary sheen.

"Here it is! This is cherry pie, I thought it'd be nice 'cause I know you aren't the biggest fan of super sweet stuff," you smiled and lifted the container up to his face, "plus it matches your eyes!"

"It looks amazing. I can't wait to-hold on-you baked more than that?"

Nervous laughter made Bakugou scrunch his face up, ready to reprimand you for doing so much for him.

"Like you said, I didn't know what you'd like...It seems like we were both insecure about what to bring!"

He didn't know why it felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest.

"Seems...seems like it," he grabbed a fork and got a nice bite of the dessert, the cherry sauce dripping from the prongs, "open your mouth. I'll feed it to you."

You stared at his hand and could almost see the shaking. Your face felt hot, and as if your necklace was a choker. It was only your second date. No need to panic, you opened your mouth and let your mouth take the delicious into it before pulling away from the fork. He was right about one fact, the fact is that it was a fucking amazing pie. Though it was so obvious that your pulse raced as his eyes hyper-focused on your lips. This time you hoped he didn’t notice.

You took your own fork and snagged a bite for him. You still had some cherry sauce on your lip, but you hadn't yet noticed. He did though. You offered the bit of pie towards him and it felt like your stomach was pooling with something. Was it intuition?

He didn't know why he lurched forward and captured you into a bruising but full of emotions type of kiss. The type of kiss that makes you drop your fork and undoubtedly leave a red splotch in the cherry's descent. The type of kiss you immediately respond to and rest your hands on the junction between his shoulder and neck. The type of kiss with a firmness that makes you push up into the kiss when it seemed like he was trying to crush you with not only his need but his love. He supposed that asking first would've been the gentleman route, but since when was he ever gentlemanly?

After a few short seconds, your lungs pulsed with the need for air as you fisted his shirt and pulled away. Your brain was racing a million miles a second, and it seemed like there was a slight fog clouding your mind. There were no fireworks or seeing stars, it just felt right. Your lips fit together right. Everything just seemed absolutely perfect.

"...You didn't even get to try the cherry pie."

"I'm sure it's good, but I was far more interested in something else."

"Don't be ridiculous, you're just a horny teenage boy who should try my pie."

"Not to be a horny teenage boy or anything, but doesn't that sound a bit dirty?" A boyish smile full of happiness takes you by surprise; you make sure to take a mental snapshot of it in case it happened to disappear right before your eyes, "it'd be funnier if you had brought a creampie! Hah!"

You groaned and promptly let go of his shirt to poke him in his ribs. Was this the real Bakugou Katsuki? Crude and full of passion? Or was he more like the romantic you saw earlier, with a touch of shyness?

"Now you're the one overthinking. Look, you'll miss my pie-eating face," Bakugou held the fork up with an impossibly large bite that made you doubtful as to whether he could actually eat it, "see? Of course, I'll try whatever you make."

It makes sense now. Bakugou wasn't as one-sided as everyone made him out to be, he was so very complicated with so many varying aspects of him that it almost made it hard to tell. Most people just chose one side and decided to be done with it. But no, you now know that with the countless video chats, games played together, and the two dates spent in each other's company that he was much more than some angry pent-up boy with an ego.

He was just like everyone else, and the fact that he looked at you with those vermillion eyes made that clear.

Your heart soared, was it because of seeing him exclaim that your pie was so good? Or was it that the red string had finally come to a close and sealed you two off together. You couldn't possibly know. You told yourself you wouldn't use your quirk on him for a while, but you just had to know what he was feeling.

An overwhelming rush of warmth and light washed over you, like an ocean wave crashing into you and knocking you down. But no sharp sand or water filling your lungs, just the softness of pure joy and excitement.

"Mhm, this is so fucking good. And call me Katsuki, okay? It's better that way."

You had to agree, it was indeed better that way.

#bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugou #katsuki bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugou imagine #bnha bakugou #bakugou #bakugou x reader #bnha #bnha x reader

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yuvon-writes-letters · 3 years

Note

To all,

In the few hours of planning, I have witnessed a letter appear in our shared mailbox, on a Tuesday.

For the record, I do not believe any of this nonsense, you could very easily be lying, both Yu, and whoever that “entity” is.

But Rai insists that it is all true, and despite his fragility, he always had this uncanny ability to tell when someone is spreading falsehoods or not, a knack for feeling if something is going wrong. The fact that he hasn’t quit sending these letters means that he wholeheartedly believes this, sci-fi narrative.

I trust him, so I’ll play along for now.

Trust me, this does not mean I trust you. For the time being, Rai will not be sending any letters, because he has apparently made himself a target, I cannot have that.

My name is. Actually, you don’t get to know my full name, it’s bad enough that you know my first anyways.

To, the entity, the letter that that was sent was matted in dirt, the words “I see you” were written in what is most likely blood, it was stuffed in an envelope along with the lily.

To Yu, Yuvon, thank you for being there for Rai these past few weeks, and fuck you, for making his life so much harder than it needs to be. He should be worried about portioning his time right to get more sleep, and doing his best to earn a living, not trying to keep a cursed pen-pal alive. Unfortunately, if what you do say is true, then I cannot blame you for his woes, you reached out, and like the hero he is, he takes the call for help.

I am currently in the process of reading the letters that were sent between you all, but, if you want to be in my good graces, a summary would help much more than hours of reading, I will not take kindly to secrets (Jake).

I will await a response.

Skie

Skie,

Most of the evidence I'd usually offer to assure people I'm not lying doesn't apply to you. It'll be a little more clear why when I get into the summary later, but I'm reeling a bit and I'm trying to take things one thing at a time.

Yeah. It's probably best if Rai at least isn't the first one to open these letters for a while. Please be careful too. I seriously don't know what this thing is capable of or what it wants, but it's very clearly violent. And entities (that's what we call these things, for lack of a better word) getting violent ends very, very poorly.

Best if we don't do full names, I agree. We've all sort of set a precedent where we use nicknames or screen names instead of our actual names.

(The ink turns dark enough that it seems to suck in the light around it.) My thanks for the description.

...Right. That just happened. I'm never going to get used to that.

You're welcome and I'm sorry. Truthfully, I've been pretty worried about Rai as well, and I sincerely apologize for any and all parts I played in Rai's problems.

Alright. Recap. This is gonna be long.

One day before I sent my first letter, I woke up in a clearing in a forest, with a note that told me that I could send letters to alternate universes with other people in the same situation I had left before arriving to the clearing on the ground in front of me. I marked the direction I was facing when I appeared and arbitrarily declared it "north". I did some exploring, and discovered that there was an invisible barrier all around the clearing, and that there were trees as far as the eye could see when I climbed a tree inside the barrier. After the first day, I sent my first letter.

Rai, though he went by Rainer then, was actually the first person to write to me, two days later. He was doubtful, obviously, but I shared specific details of the shared experiences that connect us across universes, and so did he, so we believed each other. We talked metaphysics and theories about what was going on for a bit, and Rai asked for details about my circumstances. I learned there were eight rooms off the central clearing, but five disturbed me so much that I lied and said that only three existed: a library (south), a game room (east), and a "comfy room" (west) with pillows and mattresses and blankets, etc.

Eventually, I realized there was an anomaly we've tentatively been calling the stasis over my version of the Duskwood group, where they went on with their lives but nothing actually changed. They didn't start to come to terms with emotional events that happened, they made no progress in their investigations, they didn't talk about anything important. Things were happening, but nothing HAPPENED, if that makes sense.

Rai encouraged me to tell one particular person from the Duskwood group I trust whole-heartedly, Jake, about my circumstances. That broke the stasis on him, and from then on, he and I started to work together.

We determined that the trees around my clearing are elder trees (symbolic of life/death/rebirth cycle) and completely generic trees. I theorized that I was stuck between a symbolic "death" and "rebirth", in a stasis of my own. I remain convinced of this theory.

On Father's Day, I spoke to the Duskwood group and lied to them in the process of cancelling an event I'd planned on that day for fear of giving myself away. Unbeknownst to me, that began to shake them out of their stasis slowly.

Someone named Liska contacted me then, informing me that they were sort of in an inverse situation as my own: They had normal contact with their friends and family outside of Duskwood, and they hadn't been kidnapped like I was, but Duskwood itself was almost completely frozen. There was some other weird stuff happening with the stasis, but that's not so relevant.

Lis started to get threatening calls from the perpetrator in the Duskwood case, worrying pretty much everyone, plus she didn't trust me, though I cleared the distrust up fairly quickly.

This is about when Rai started having issues, and warned us he wouldn't be able to write letters as often.

I sorta got stuck for a while, and Lis kept getting threatened. I figured out that someone would eventually join me in the clearing, but not who, how, or when, so I was obsessing over that. About then, Lis pointed out a small detail that showed I was lying about something, and that turned into a confession about the other five rooms. In brief:

North: A room with a countdown to when I can leave

Northwest: Another clearing where everything was dead with a silver goblet at the end, whole area gave off a magical sense of dread, I left without investigating further

Southeast: Altar w/ bloodstains, symbolism and text suggesting I could sacrifice my life to kill the ass terrorizing my version of the group (an alternate version of the asshole stalking Lis)

Northeast: Knife in the middle of a glade, can cut almost anything in here but the invisible barrier.

Southwest: 3 upside-down torches, one on each wall that wasn't an entrance, floor was a field of white lilies. Refused to enter initially due to overdose of symbols of death.

I discovered that my old family and my few non-Duskwood friends had all completely forgotten who I was. They still haven't remembered, but that's besides the point. I'm not just whining here, this becomes important later.

Anyhow, I started getting really worried about Rai, because he mentioned his head feeling fuzzy, he was having trouble understanding things, and his writing was disjointed. You probably know about when that was on the recent timeline.

Lis's next letter was concerning, and I asked in a cipher I won't disclose because at least one entity can't seem to understand it whether she was alright and offered a code for her to tell us if she was being watched.

Lis then sent two letters back to back: one where she used the code, and one when she wasn't being watched: she had been kidnapped by the stalker. We also made first contact with an entity we're calling "Goldie" or "Aur" (first few letters of their name) who is benevolent and has done their utmost to help Lis.

In addition, her Jake spoke to her over Tumblr, promising to help find her, and I got print-outs of the screenshots in an envelope. I contacted him as well, offering what advice I could, especially as we'd begun to theorize there was an entity working against Lis as well.

It wasn't enough. Lis was shot. And died.

And then her entity sent her back in time, alive, and with her Jake freed from the stasis much earlier.

As Lis started recovering mentally from that, I started messing on this plane again. Lis convinced me to test out the death symbol room and see if it was actually dangerous, so I first tried cutting my way out of the barrier with the knife (it failed) and then I started sorta using the Robin Crusoe method of testing the room for death, which meant I went very slowly.

During this, Rai finally admitted he hadn't been sleeping enough, and I tried to encourage him to actually fucking sleep and not worry so much about writing the damn letters.

Then

Okay, I'm not proud of this bit. Behind one of the torches in the room with the lilies and torches I'd been testing, there was a sheet of paper with a blood ritual on it. It promised an end result I'd like, and none of the other schmuck baits up to that point had actually hurt me, so I gave it a try. Imagine my shock when Jake appeared in the clearing. He's still here, by the way, we don't know how to get him back any more than me.

Rai brought up a theory (later confirmed) that the ritual brought Jake because he was what I most wanted to have with me right then. I began to work on trying to deconstruct the ritual and understand how it worked so I could confirm or deny, but was interrupted when I discovered that the Duskwood group had broken out of stasis, and I had to play damage control. They also became semi-aware the stasis had happened.

Lis sent another letter, and Jake came to the conclusion that her workplace is unsafe, and urged her to take a vacation, especially in the wake of further threats from the kidnapper. Also, Lis's stasis started to weaken, and she began passing messages between my version of Jake and her's. They proved to be surprisingly different.

At that point, someone named Jessy sent a letter in, who is one of the Duskwood crew. She was from a year in my future, shortly after her version of me, named Matt, was killed by the kidnapper and Jake was framed for it.

At this point, Jake raised the theory that Rai, Lis, Matt, myself, and all other counterparts across universes are somehow cursed, or gain more attention than we should from entities, and that's why so many horrible things happen to us. It... makes a lot of sense, honestly.

About here is when I started getting together a plan to get out. I was worried I might be mindread, though, so I went to slightly extreme measures to make sure my thoughts wouldn't give me away.

Then Jessy wrote again, and tried to convince Lis and I to run away from our respective Jakes out of concern. Along the way, she accidentally implied that her universe's Jake was being tortured in his incarceration, and I admittedly lashed out at her a bit in my response to her letter. It made me furious, obviously, and scared and upset, so I used those emotions to focus.

Lis grew concerned when I denied I had a plan. Repeatedly. And unconvincingly. Okay, it was more of a mantra. I sort of wrote "I have no plan" all over the paper and then didn't erase well enough, so you can see why she was concerned.

Now, I don't know everything that went down right there, but I'll take a guess. The entity, unable to interpret the ciphered messages I'd sent to Lis explaining why I was so insistent that I had no plan, asked Lis what my plan was, pretending to be benevolent like Goldie. Lis didn't believe it, and annoyed the entity in the process. It taunted her, claiming that Jake and I would be hurt because of her noncompliance, which was bullshit because the entity would've done what it did anyhow. Lis tried to send us warnings, but the entity blocked them and taunted her more publicly.

Unless it's essential, I'd rather not go into detail about what exactly happened when I tried to execute my plan. There's a letter that describes most of it somewhere in the past two weeks or more. Suffice it to say, I fell into a probably magic-induced coma for a few days, my face is still scarred to hell, and there's a small chunk missing from my right arm, though that's filling in because enhanced/faster healing here.

After the incident, while I was unconscious, everyone wrote in letters asking after me or offering advice, including Lis's Jake and Jessy, and Jake pretended to be me to keep the Duskwood group from suspecting anything. One of them figured it out, but she was sympathetic to both Jake and myself, so she kept the secret. In the meantime, Lis took a vacation and got out of danger, hopefully.

When I woke up, I was able to just... know a few minor facts about the entity. I still don't know how or why.

Anyway, I just sorta recovered and caught up for a bit.

Max contacted us to basically let us know that Lis was doing better (she was really torn up with guilt over the incident :( )

Very recently, Jessy contacted my parents, trying to determine if I was alright, and discovered that they didn't know who I was. That spawned a confession from me when I was confronted; that whole group is now in the know. Jake is still not entirely pleased with my decision, but I think he's mostly over it.

Then that new entity apparently sent out the letter, you contacted us for the first time, and now we’re back to the present moment.

Oh. One more thing that seems pretty important in hindsight. Rai sent me a crayon as an experiment. It arrived three different colors in one crayon: brown, green, and white. Take a wild guess what it was called.

Yep. White lily.

This is sort of reminding me of a character I made a million years ago, but the powers don't match up. It doesn't sound like the M.O. does either. Still, that character was a nasty piece of work. I hope it's all just a coincidence.

Anyhow. That's all for now. Talk to you later. Write to you later. Whatever.

—Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself in the paper clip with the others.)

#duskwood letter game #yuvon writes letters #duskwood #duskwood game #duskwood everbyte #duskwood jake #duskwood jessy #rai #skie #lis #lis's jake #lis's entity #jessy #the entity #lily #recap

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markswoman · 5 years

Text

slow hands | ml

mark’s lips are soft, warm, and sweet. they feel perfect pressed against your cold, dry ones. you think it must not be very pleasant, kissing your weak, dying lips but mark doesn’t seem to mind, kissing your breath away at any given opportunity. it probably isn’t good for your health, being breathless so often.

but death by kisses sounds like a nice way to go.

pairing | mark lee x terminally ill!reader | fluff + angst | 11.6k |

warnings: swearing, depressing thoughts, death

cr to haechanforpresident2020

“I want ice cream.”

Taeyong frowns at you. You know what he’s going to say but you don’t want to hear it. You really, really want some ice cream.

“I haven’t had anything but soup for the past two weeks! Please, Taeyong, please!”

“But—“

“Please, please, please,” you cut him off. You know Taeyong is stubborn but you’re even more stubborn and you’re going to get some ice cream if it’s the last thing you do.

Taeyong starts saying “You-,” but, before he can get anything else out, you cut him off again.

“I need to get some fresh air. I’ve been cooped up in here for five hundred years; you need to let me out if you don’t want me to go crazy!”

You can see Taeyong‘s resolve breaking. You put on your biggest pout—Taeyong’s one and only weakness—and bat your eyelashes. He rolls his eyes at you but when you hear his resigned sigh, you know you’ve won.

“Fine—but don’t start celebrating just yet,” he snaps at the look of triumph that spreads across your face. “You have to be back in 20 minutes.” You enthusiastically nod your head and Taeyong sighs again. “Put on some sunscreen; it’s really sunny. Take an umbrella too. And put on your cap. Also, don’t forget—“

“Yongie,” you cut him off for the third time and you’re sure Taeyong would’ve yelled at you this time if you hadn’t called him Yongie. You never call him Yongie.

Taeyong raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“Stop worrying,” you flash him your cute, kittenish smile and walk to the door. “It’s not like I’m going on a five-week hike through the desert. The ice cream parlor is literally just ten minutes away.”

“Still! Are you sure? Do you want me to come with you?”

“No!” You’re already rushing out the door as you call out, “Thanks, Taeyong!”

You hear his faint, “Be careful” and chuckle, slowing down.

You cheerfully swing the umbrella you grabbed on your way out and hum as you make your way to the elevator. Just as you get to it, the shiny metal doors open and an old man, followed closely by his daughter, hobble out.

“Hello!” He greets you happily. “Going out?”

“Yup! For ice cream. Would you like to come with, Mr. Kim?”

Mr. Kim shakes his head, smiling sadly, “I’m afraid I can’t. I’ve got a hot date with my bed.”

“Well, then don’t let me keep you,” you laugh. “But you should join me one day.”

“One day,” Mr. Kim’s smile grows even sadder. “If I’m not dead by then.”

You frown but don’t say anything. What could you even say to that? Fortunately, you were saved from having to come up with a response by Mr. Kim’s daughter, who mumbles, “Stop saying stuff like that,” and drags him away.

“Have fun, kid.” Mr. Kim waves you goodbye.

Still frowning, you wave back. “Yeah… thanks.”

With spirits significantly dampened, you trudge into the elevator. You know it’s not Mr. Kim’s fault but you still blame the old man for ruining your mood. You’re finally going to get ice cream after two weeks of craving it and now, thanks to old Mr. Kim, you can’t even enjoy it properly.

You grumble to yourself about your day being ruined but, as soon as you exit the elevator and slowly walk out of large, white gates, you instantly feel better. You love going out, leaving that horrid building you have to live in, breathing in air that smells grassy and windy and just so natural.

You walk slowly, swinging your umbrella with every step.

The sight of the ice cream parlor brings a smile to your face. You and Donghyuck used to go there all the time. Both of you went there so often that everyone who worked there knew you. You wonder if they still remember you. You haven’t been there in a while.

As soon as you enter, the first thing you notice is how many people there are. The place is absolutely crowded, which is understandable since it is the middle of summer but you were definitely not expecting to see so many people. You look around and nervously adjust your cap.

“Wow, is it really you?”

You jump and spin around to see, Chenle, your favorite employee at the ice cream parlor, smiling very happily at you from behind the counter.

“Hey, Chenle,” you grin, “Long time no see.”

“I know!” He exclaims and, after a moment, asks, “The usual?” Even though he knows the answer.

He’s already scooping your ice cream by the time you say, “Yep!”

After paying and thanking Chenle, you look around again. There’s no place for you to sit and you don't want to go back to Taeyong and his constant fussing just yet. Sighing, you walk out of the parlor to find a place to sit outside.

As soon as you leave the cool, air conditioned interior of the parlor, a gust of hot, sticky air hits you square in the face, making you wince. There are a few empty benches but all of them are directly under the sun. The only bench protected from the harsh rays is occupied by a boy and his guitar. Unfortunately for you, the boy doesn’t look like he’ll be getting up anytime soon.

You think about sitting in the sun before concluding that that’s a very bad idea. The only two options you have left are going back or sitting with the stranger.

You observe him for a few seconds. The boy looks to be around your age, maybe a year or two younger. He’s wearing a bright green cap, has a cone of bright white ice cream with blackish brown bits in his hand and has a very bright smile. Overall, he seems like a very happy person. He definitely doesn’t look mean or particularly threatening in any way and, even though you aren’t great with strangers, you’re by no means a shy person. So you slowly walk over to the bench with your friendliest smile on your face.

When you are just a step away, the boy finally notices you. He smiles kindly and the first thing you notice is his tiny dimple. You’re distracted by it for a second before you finally snap out of it and ask, “Can I sit here?”

The boy smiles a little wider, nodding. He makes room for you, scooting a little bit to the edge of the bench and dragging his guitar with him.

“Thanks,” you say, sitting down a little awkwardly because you seem to have forgotten how to act in front of ‘normal’ people. “Can I have your name?”

The boy shows off his tiny dimple once again. “I’m Mark.”

“So, um…” you decide to try and make conversation. Nice ice cream.”

You mentally scold yourself for sounding so awkward. That’s what lack of practice does to a person. You make a mental note to tell Taeyong about this to convince him to let you go outside more often so you don't become completely antisocial.

Mark doesn’t seem to think you’re too weird though because he flashes you another smile. “Yeah, it is. Cookies and cream. What’s yours?”

“Brambleberry crisp,” you proudly say. Not many people share your taste in ice cream which makes you feel very important and hipster.

Mark’s eyes grow a little wide. “Brambleberry crisp? I’ve never tried that before!”

“Well, you should,” you say seriously. “It’s the best ice cream flavor out there.”

“Really?” Mark looks skeptical. “I don’t know, I really like cookies and cream.”

“Cookies and cream is okay, I guess. It’s really sweet and perfect for little kids—”

“Hey!” Mark interrupts you, looking mildly offended. “Cookies and cream is not just for little kids!”

He’s flailing his hand around and trying to scold you but all you’re looking at is how the ice cream on Mark’s cone is dangerously close to falling off.

“Um Mark,” you try to warn the boy. “You might want to stop moving your hands so much.”

“Huh?”

Too late. Mark hasn’t even realized he’s holding an empty cone; he’s just staring at you with wide eyes, still looking somewhat offended.

“You dropped your ice cream.”

Mark’s face goes through a series of highly exaggerated expressions once he realizes what you’re talking about. First there’s confusion, of course. Then shock. Then anger. And then finally, despair.

“My ice cream!” He whines, staring at the fallen treat. “My baby!”

You laugh. “Stop being a drama queen. Just buy a new one.”

“I can’t just buy a new one,” Mark turns to glare at you.

“Why not?”

Mark sighs, deflating. “They’re all out of cookies an cream. I got the last scoop.”

“That’s perfect!” You jump to your feet. “Now you can try brambleberry crisp and see what you’ve been missing out on your whole life.”

It takes a bit of persuasion but you manage to convince Mark to spend the rest of his pocket money on, what you tell Mark will be, a life changing experience.

When Mark takes his first lick, you watch very closely. If Mark wasn’t so preoccupied with his ice cream right now, you’re sure he would have been creeped out by how intensely he’s being watched.

“Well?” You ask, a little apprehensive. “Do you like it?”

None of your friends are fond of brambleberry crisp. Donghyuck had even called it an ‘abomination’ once. You don't understand why. Even though you love it, you don't think the ice cream is interesting enough to deserve that title.

“It’s good!” Mark exclaims. “Not as good as cookies and cream, though. But still good.”

You groan, deeming him a lost cause.

As you both finish your ice cream, you just talk. You don’t really talk about anything in particular, topics ranging from the importance of ice cream in daily life to Mark’s adventures in Vancouver to which superpower would be the most fun to have.

“I’m not going to be all mainstream and say invisibility or flight,” you declare. “I think the power of lightning would be super cool.”

“The power of lightning?” Mark laughs. “So what, electricity?”

“Okay, not just lightning. Storms. The power of storms.”

“That sounds kind of lame to me,” Mark giggles at your gasp. “It also sounds very destructive. If I could have any superpower, I’d choose the power to heal.”

A year ago, you would have poked fun at anyone who’d choose healing as their superpower. But now, you think Mark may be on to something.

“What would you heal?”

Mark must have been expecting you to make a snide remark at his choice of power because he takes a minute to answer. “I’d heal hearts,” he finally says. “Broken hearts and corrupted minds and lost souls and, of course, ill bodies. I’d heal anything that needs healing and stay far away from things that don’t because, you know what they say, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’” Mark says the last bit in English and you burst out laughing.

“Don’t tell anyone I said this,” you tell Mark when he’s finally gotten all his giggles out. “No one would ever believe you even if you did. But your superpower might actually be better than mine.”

Mark beams at you, smile so bright it almost blinds you.

Eventually, you remember you have a curfew and reluctantly check your watch. You almost have a heart attack when you see you spent not 20 but 80 minutes at the ice cream parlor. The thought of leaving Mark has you unwilling to get up. You’ve known the boy for an hour but it feels like you’ve known each other for years.

“Hey, Mark” you force yourself to say, interrupting Mark’s story about how he once got attacked by pigeons at his friend’s house back in Canada. “I kind of have to go now.”

“Oh,” Mark frowns, looking as disappointed as you feel.

“Yeah, I'm already late,” you sigh. You have to get back quick, before Taeyong files a missing persons report. Mark nods, waving a tiny wave when you stand up.

“See you around!” You wave back and hurriedly walk away, ignoring the little pang in your chest because you know you probably won’t ever see him around.

On the walk back, you feel sad but you also feel incredibly happy. You feel normal, something you haven't felt in a while.

Unfortunately, your happiness is gone as soon as you step in through the dreary hospital gates and come face to face with Taeyong. He has his phone in one hand, your phone in the other and a look of pure malice on his face.

Oh, shit.

“Where were you!” He screams, charging at you. “Twenty minutes. I said twenty minutes and you took over an hour! And you didn’t even take your phone with you! Why aren’t you using your umbrella? Are you tired? Are you alright? How could you just leave your phone? Seriously, what if something had happened?”

Taeyong keeps fussing over and chastising you all the way to the elevator.

“Sorry. Lost track of time,” you mumble, trying to tune out his incessant shrieking. He’s still lecturing you as he walks you to your room.

Forcing you into your bed, Taeyong tells you to rest. “Isn’t your hyper friend coming to visit today? You need to store up some energy to deal with him.”

You yell at Taeyong that you’re not tired and Donghyuck isn’t that hard to handle, but as soon as the nurse is out of the room, you slump down, exhausted, and fall asleep almost immediately.

Almost as soon as you fall asleep, you’re woken up by an obnoxiously loud voice yelling, “Holy shit!” right into your ear.

Groaning, you open your eyes to glare at your best friend. “What are you doing here so early? Weren’t you supposed to come at four?”

“I’m actually late,” Donghyuck pouts from where he’d just tripped over the chair next to your bed. “It’s already five o’clock.”

You’re a bit amazed because you’re so sure it was still two in the afternoon and that you had just fallen asleep. You feel more than a bit disoriented because apparently you’d been asleep for three whole hours.

“Why are you so late, then?” You eventually ask.

“Got sidetracked,” Donghyuck shrugs from the floor, not bothering to get up after his ungraceful fall. “There was this cute guy downstairs. He was singing to kids and looking so hot…” he trails off dreamily.

You roll your eyes. Typical Donghyuck. “Well, it’s almost time for my radiotherapy so we can’t hang out for long.”

“But I just got here!” Donghyuck starts whining, finally picking himself up off the floor.

“That’s your own fault.”

“It’s not my fault! If anything, it’s the cute guy’s fault! He’s hot and plays guitar, which means he’s exactly my type.”

You choose to ignore him and close your eyes, trying to go back to sleep until Taeyong comes to take you down to radiotherapy.

“Speaking of hot people who play guitar,” Donghyuck continues, “where’s Dr. Park?”

You wrinkle your nose, “Gross, Hyuck.”

“Don’t be such a downer.”

“I’m not being a downer,” you force yourself to open your eyes in order to glare at him. “I just think it’s creepy you have a crush on a fifty year old woman.”

“She’s not fifty!” Donghyuck squawks indignantly. “She’s like 35 tops! And it doesn’t even matter anyway,” he says, climbing into your bed. “Age is just a number.”

“Not if it’s illegal,” you snort.

“It’s not illegal, you twat. I'm already a legal adult!”

“Donghyuck, Dr. Park was already at least 17 when we were just babies—”

“Love is love!”

The door suddenly opens and Taeyong comes barging in. “What are you two yelling about? Donghyuck, get off the bed unless you want to attend radio too.”

You bid farewell to Donghyuck, who pouts again and hugs you, saying, “I’ll come back sometime next week. My parents are taking me on another stupid trip.”

You chuckle at his sour expression. Donghyuck’s family is always going on vacations, road trips and adventures. Donghyuck hates it but you’re actually kind of jealous of him.

Dr. Cho is already there when you get to the radio room, as you like to call it. It sounds a lot less scary than radiation lab.

You end up falling asleep in the middle of your radiation therapy and is woken up by a gentle pat on the arm by the doctor.

“You must have been really tired if you were able to sleep in that head mask,” Dr. Cho smiles teasingly.

It’s true, you were very tired. You’re still tired. All you want to do is go straight to bed and sleep until your mom gets back from work.

But no, you’re going to go up to the roof first because it’s part of your routine and you love it up there. It’s the only place you’re allowed to go that doesn’t smell like a hospital. It’s the only place where no one comes to bother you.

Well, except Taeyong who comes to drag you back to your room once it gets dark.

So, for the sake of your sanity, you slowly trudge up to the roof and, you breathe a sigh of relief as you open the door to greet the slowly darkening sky.

No one’s ever there at this time of the day, so you’re taken aback when you see someone already occupying the little ledge you usually sit on. At first you’re annoyed. The roof is the one place you can hide out without having people constantly fussing over you and now it’s been stolen from you.

But as you inch closer to the person, you realize something. You stare at the person’s back, their guitar, their suspiciously familiar bright green cap.

Before you can stop yourself, you blurt out, “Mark?”

Mark, or maybe it’s not Mark, yelps and jumps onto his feet, clutching his guitar to his chest. Your heart leaps. It’s Mark. All thoughts of your safe space being invaded are gone in an instant.

When he sees you, Mark’s startled expression morphs into one of absolute delight.

“Hey!” He exclaims, putting his guitar down and scrambling to you. “What are you doing here?”

“No, what are you doing here?” You ask, barely believing you’re actually seeing Mark.

“I’m a volunteer here,” Mark says, proudly. He stands a little straighter, showing off his stupidly handsome again. “Today is my first day, actually. I play songs for the kids. Help cheer them up and stuff,” his smile wavers a little and then comes back in full force, his beauty almost blinding you for the second time today. “What about you? What are you doing here? Are you also a volunteer?”

“Uh, no,” you shift uncomfortably. “I'm a patient.”

Mark just nods a little bit and, thankfully, doesn’t ask any more questions.

“So,” you start, eager to change the subject. “You play guitar for sick kids, huh? How noble of you.”

Mark blushes and walks back over to the ledge where his guitar is sitting. “It’s nothing like that. I just love playing and, for some reason, kids seem to love my music. Plus,” he smiles when you sit yourself next to him, “my motives aren’t entirely selfless.”

“What do you mean?” You ask, watching Mark play with the strings of his guitar.

“I know one of the kids and,” he pauses. “He’s not doing too well. So, I want to spend as much time with him as possible and make him smile as much as I can before…”

You ignore the familiar feeling of heaviness in your chest and gasp at Mark. “You monster!” You clutch your heart, “And here I was thinking you were some sort of kindhearted saint but no, you’re just a disgusting, self-centered asshole.”

“Sorry you had to find out like this,” Mark solemnly bows his head while you shake your own, muttering, “selfish, selfish, selfish.”

You continue teasing Mark, who laughs loud enough to wake up the entire hospital.

“Those kids were really sweet,” Mark says, looking at the ferris wheel in the distance once you’ve run out of clever ways to tease each other. “I wrote a few songs just for today and they seemed to really enjoy them.”

You want to ask Mark to play something but Taeyong decides to pick that moment to show up.

“You little br–!” He yells, swinging the metal door to the roof open only to come to a stop. Both you and Mark turn to look at him.

“Oh, hello.” He says, clearly surprised to see another human on the roof with you. “I hope I'm not interrupting anything.”

All of a sudden, he smirks and, from the way his eyes are flitting from you to Mark, you know exactly what Taeyong is thinking.

“Okay, well I guess that’s my cue to leave,” you hastily jump up and scurry over to Taeyong before he can say anything embarrassing. “Bye, Mark!” You call out before completely disappearing from his line of sight.

You’re given a lot of time to feel guilty about abruptly leaving Mark. As soon as you step in the elevator together for the second time today, Taeyong starts nudging you.

“Who was that?” He asks, looking a little excited.

You shrug, feigning nonchalance. “A friend, I guess. His name is Mark. He plays guitar for the kids downstairs.”

Taeyong keeps asking questions about Mark even when you’re all tucked up in bed.

“Taeyong!” You yell when he asks you Mark’s shoe size. “First of all, why do you even need to know that?” You narrow your eyes at him. “And second of all, I literally just met him today; I don’t know his whole life story for god’s sake.”

“I’m just curious okay!” Taeyong defends himself. “And I'm glad you’re making friends who seem well-mannered and polite.”

You chuckle at the obvious shade Taeyong is throwing at your best friend. You love Donghyuck but Taeyong is right about the boy not being the most polite and well-mannered teenager out there.

You hear your mom enter your room a few minutes after Taeyong leaves.

“You’re up!” is the first thing she says when she sees her child. “I was worried you’d be asleep and I wouldn’t get to talk to you.”

“It’s just ten o’clock, Mom. I don’t get sleepy until at least after midnight.” A yawn immediately follow your words.

Your mom smile knowingly at you, sitting down next to your bed. “Taeyong told me you went to get ice cream all by yourself today.”

“Yeah, I’m a big kid now, aren’t I?” You bat your eyelashes at your mom who giggles.

“My baby is so precious,” she coos, pinching your cheeks.

“Mom, get off me!” You flail, pushing your mother away. “I thought you said you wanted to talk to me, not manhandle me.”

“Oh, yeah,” her smile disappears and she looks a little guilty. “I have to go out of town for a few days. I’m so sorry, honey. I wish I could skip it. I really don’t want to leave you. I even told my supervisor that I can’t go but this is a very important business trip and they really need me and—”

“Mom,” you cut off your mom’s rambling. “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize. I understand.” You say it as sincerely as you can, trying to show your mother that you really do understand.

She has a job that keeps her so busy she can barely see you even though you live together. Sometimes you feel bad for your mom. She works from early morning to late at night every day, sometimes even on weekends. You know she mostly does it because she genuinely loves her job, but also so she can pay your hospital bills without having to give up food for a month.

“I should tell Taeyong,” she says, grabbing your hand.

“I need to make sure he takes extra good care of you. And doesn’t let you run away.”

“I'm not going to run away, Mom.”

—

When you go up to the roof the next day, Mark is already there, strumming his guitar, looking lazily at the large wheel in the distance.

“Hello,” you say, sitting down.

Mark stops playing and, immediately, you miss the soft music.

“Hey,” Mark smiles. “Do you come up here every day?”

You nod, “Every day after radio.”

“Radio?” Mark asks, slightly frowning as he puts his guitar back in its case.

Oh dear. Usually you avoid talking about all things related to your shitty health so you won’t have to see the looks of pity being thrown at you. You hate yourself whenever you accidentally let anything slip.

“Radiation therapy,” you tell Mark.

Just like the other day, Mark just nods and asks no further questions.

You wonder if he’s uncomfortable.

For a second, there’s a bit of tense silence, then you pout a little bit and point at Mark’s guitar case.

“Hey, why’d you put it away?”

“What? My guitar? Mark asks, looking confused.

“Yeah,” you pout even harder. “Can you play something for me? Please? Please, please, please?”

Mark laughs, “You’re worse than the kids.”

He takes his instrument out of its case a little excitedly, spurred on by your begging, almost banging it on the hard floor.

“Mark! Holy shit, calm down!” You yell.

Mark smiles sheepishly and positions the guitar on his lap.

“I’ll play you the kids’ favorite song,” he says, eyes crinkling. “They made me play it nine times today!”

Mark plays a happy tune and starts singing in what sounds like English. He has a nice, soft voice that makes goosebumps appear on your arm.

Without realizing it, you start swaying side to side with the beat, laughing when Mark gives you a smug look and says, “That’s the power of my music.”

Mark plays more songs for you and you hum along to some of them, making Mark look even more pleased. Mark tells you that you should come down to watch him play for the kids one day.

When Mark puts the guitar down, you immediately starts showering him with compliments.

“Those were some pretty impressive fingering skills, Mark Lee,” you tease, making Mark burst into a fit of giggles and blush a deep red.

Mark, in turn, compliments your humming, although his compliment actually has innocent intentions. You tell him you’d been in your high school’s choir and you used to love singing all the time.

“You don’t anymore?”

“Not really.”

Mark doesn’t ask why.

When Taeyong finally comes to get you, the only source of light on the roof is the tiny crescent moon above the two of you and the lights from the ferris wheel; but it’s too far away to actually light up anything.

“See you tomorrow!” You say, getting up and dusting off the bottom of your pants.

“Looking forward to it!” Mark calls back as you rush inside to catch up with Taeyong.

It’s your third meeting with Mark when Mark finally asks what you’re in the hospital for.

“What do you think I'm in a cancer hospital for?” You tease, laughing a little at the panicked look that settles on Mark’s face. “Don’t worry,” you say, putting a hand on Mark’s knee. “I’m just messing with you.”

Mark doesn’t look reassured though, so you decide to just tell him.

“Brain cancer. Or anaplastic astrocytoma, but I personally think brain cancer sounds less scary, don’t you?”

Mark’s eyes widen comically and he looks so concerned, you almost feel bad for telling him. Mark seems to realize he’s making a strange expression because he quickly changes it into a poker face, though you can still see hints of worry and sadness.

“Oh,” he says.

“Sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” you apologize, removing your hand from where it had been resting on Mark’s knee.

“No, no, no!” Mark hurriedly says. “Don’t be sorry! I was the one who asked.” After a pause, he hesitantly asks, “Is it—are you getting better?”

You honestly don’t know if you are. You can’t really say you feel much better but according to Dr. Cho, you’re recovering really well and according to Dr. Park, you’ll be better in no time. You don't even know if you want to believe them because it seems way too good to be true.

You don’t want to burden Mark though, so you just tell him, “Yeah, my doctors say I’ll be fine.”

At this, Mark looks relieved and continues asking questions that you’re tired of answering.

“I had a pretty rare tumor that was all tentacle-y and gross and it looked like long fingers were holding my brain,” you explain. You sneak a look at Mark, who’s wearing an unreadable expression. “Anyway,” you continue, “I had surgery and they removed it, or as much of it as they could. Now I'm doing radio to get rid of the rest.”

Mark nods, softly saying, “I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.”

“Well, it’s not the most fun thing in the world,” you chuckle. “But at least I'm still alive.” For now.

“And,” you add, “I get to miss school.”

Mark mumbles something about never complaining about his life ever again, making you smile.

You don’t talk much after that, both of you lost deep in your own thoughts. You’re just watching the ferris wheel spin round and round when Mark’s phone suddenly rings, filling the strange silence wit his jarring ringtone.

“It’s my friend,” Mark tells you before answering the call.

You try not to listen but it’s quiet and you’re the only ones on the roof so you still hear Mark’s say, “Hey Yukhei,” and, “No, I'm still at the hospital.” And, “Yeah, I'm coming.” And, “No, it’s okay.”

When he finally hangs up, Mark looks a little disappointed. “Sorry, but I think I should go now.”

You wave off the apology and say goodbye to Mark with a small wave. You stare at the ferris wheel for a few more minutes before thinking you might as well go back too. It’s a little strange Taeyong hasn’t come to drag you down yet.

What’s even stranger is, when you enter your room, your mom is already there.

“Where have you been?”

“Roof,” you tiredly tell her, climbing into bed.

Your mother smiles and walks over to sit on a chair next to your bed. “Were you getting some fresh air?”

You sleepily nod.

“Don’t fall asleep just yet,” your mom frowns, shaking you fully awake. “I brought you soup!”

You groan. “Soup, really? I think I’ve had enough soup for a lifetime.”

“It’s homemade! You won’t get to have my homemade soup until next week.”

You groan again but graciously accept the soup when your mom hands it to you.

The next morning, you’re softly woken up by your mother, who quietly whispers, “I'm going now, okay? See you in five days. I love you. Bye.”

She kisses your forehead and you mumble, “Bye, mom.”

You hear her chuckle before falling back asleep.

It’s one of those days when you’re bored and hate your life. Why are you stuck in a hospital? Why do you have cancer? Why is your life such a mess?

Taeyong tries to cheer you up whenever this happens. He usually just calls Donghyuck who always comes running over to hang out and effectively make you feel better. But Donghyuck isn’t here.

“Why don’t you hang out with your roof friend?” Taeyong suggests.

“I can’t,” you moan into your pillow. “We only meet on the roof after radio.”

“Didn’t you say he plays for Dr. Kim’s kids downstairs?”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t you meet him there?”

You end up excitedly running all the way to the pediatric wing. You bump into Dr. Kim on the way and the poor doctor almost falls. “Sorry, Dr. Kim,” you hurriedly call out, still running.

You don't know if you’re more excited to see Mark so early in the day or to see Mark play for the kids he never stops talking about. Probably both.

As you enter the pediatric wing, you can see Mark surrounded by children, and even a few parents, in the tiny waiting room. Smiling at the sight of a dozen little boys and girls looking up at Mark in awe, you quietly step in the room, careful not to attract any attention to yourself.

You find a small unoccupied beanbag chair and drag it to a corner of the room to watch Mark in peace. Mark still hasn’t seen you and you’re glad you can see Mark in his element.

Most of the songs that Mark plays are the same ones he plays on the roof and you find yourself humming along to more than a few.

Mark finally sees you in the middle of a song and pauses for a beat, flashing one of his blinding smiles. As soon as the song is over, Mark announces that it’s time to take a break and hurries over to you.

“You came!” Mark squeals like a little girl. “Did you like it? How was it?”

Before you can answer though, something small runs into Mark’s legs and wraps two tiny arms around them, yelling, “Mark hyung! You were so good!”

You laugh at the look of shock on Mark’s face as the little boy gives his legs a squeeze and runs away. “Well, there’s your answer.”

“That’s Jisung,” Mark tells you, who’s watching the kid run up to Dr. Kim. “His mom is friends with my mom.”

“Is he your selfish reason for coming here?” You ask.

Mark smiles, plopping down on the edge of your bean bag chair. “Yeah, but now that I’ve grown way too fond of all the kids, they’re all my selfish reasons for coming here.”

You shake your head, sighing. “I’ve never met anyone so selfish in my life.”

Soon, Mark goes back to the middle of the room to play again and, minutes later, Taeyong arrives to take you to radio. Mark is too busy to notice you leaving but it’s okay because you see each other again on the roof.

It becomes a sort of routine for you. Every day, before radio, you go to see Mark play for the kids. Then, after radio, you go to see Mark on the roof, and usually make him play again. By now, you have almost all of Mark’s songs memorized, sometimes even singing along with him even though you have no idea what he’s saying.

Whenever you sing along with him, Mark lowers his own voice so he can hear yours better. That is, until you catch on and seal your lips, shaking your head at a pouting Mark.

—

One day, Mark asks you where your parents are. It’s so out of the blue that you’re a little taken aback. Mark looks embarrassed and apologizes for being nosy. You tell him he apologizes too much.

“My parents are divorced,” you say. “And yes, I know my life sounds like a sad John Green book; the kid with cancer has divorced parents and was raised by their single mother who is never around.” Mark cracks a smile at that so you continue. “Anyway, my dad lives in China with his wife, and my mom is currently away on a business trip.”

“Does she go out of town a lot?” Mark asks cautiously, as if he’s afraid of overstepping boundaries.

“She used to,” you shrug. “She stopped after I got sick but apparently this was unavoidable. She works a lot though. Like, all day long. That’s why I'm here, actually. You don’t actually have to stay at the hospital just for radio but my mom didn’t want me home alone.”

Mark looks hesitant to ask any more questions and you don't really want to talk about this anymore so you poke Mark’s guitar. “Aren’t you going to play for me today?”

Mark’s smile, once again, tries to blind you. “Of course I am.”

When you get back to your room that night, you have the urge to call your mom. All that mom talk on the roof made you miss her.

She sounds a little breathless, albeit happy to hear from you, when she picks up.

“Mom, are you busy?” You ask, instantly regretting calling and disturbing her.

“A little bit, but it’s okay. Is something wrong?”

“No, I just missed you,” you mumble, snuggling into your covers.

The line is quiet for a minute and you think your mom must have hung up on you until you hear a sniffle.

“Oh,” she says softly. “I miss you too. So much.”

“Are you about to cry?” You ask. “Mom, please don’t cry.”

“No, no, don’t worry,” she tells you, voice breaking.

You sigh, “So, things are really busy?”

“Yeah,” your mom sounds like she’s already crying. “I know I was supposed to come back this week but things are really not going according to plan and it looks like I might have to stay longer.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” you soothe, wishing you could be with her to make her stop crying.

“I’m so sorry,” she keeps apologizing in her shaky voice. “I shouldn’t have left you. Now that I'm here, I can’t just get up and leave until everything is done.”

You keep comforting your mom, telling her that it’s okay and you understand until you hear someone on her end calling her name. You tell her not to cry one last time before you hang up and tell yourself the same thing before you go to sleep.

It’s one of the warmer nights on the roof when you leave your jacket up there. Unfortunately, you only remember about it when you’re already comfortably sitting in bed. Feeling grumpy, you stomp your way back up to the roof to retrieve it.

When you get there, though, you’re surprised to see your jacket is not on the ledge where you left it, but with Mark, who still hasn’t left.

“Mark!” You yell, startling him. “What are you still doing here?”

“Uh,” Mark looks at you and then the jacket in his hands. “I was going to give this to you.”

“So, you stayed up here for half an hour to do that?” You raise your eyebrows.

Mark shrugs, “I didn’t want to go home just yet.”

“Are you going home now?”

“No.”

“Then come to my room!” You poke Mark’s nose. “We can talk some more.”

The next day, when Taeyong comes to whisk you away, you ask Mark, “Are you going to go home now?”

When Mark says no, you smile.

“Well then you’re coming with me!” You latch yourself to Mark’s arm and drag him downstairs with you.

It becomes a new routine. You stay up on the roof, talking while Mark plays his guitar as background music. Then, when Taeyong comes to take you down, you take Mark with you.

One day, while you’re both on the roof, you ask Mark why he doesn’t like going home.

“I wish I could go home,” you say, trying to keep the longing out of your voice. “Or at least leave here. I’d never voluntarily spend time at this place.”

“Well,” Mark says, not looking at you. “I like spending time with you.”

You’re glad it’s dark outside because you can feel your cheeks heating up.

“How about before you started coming to my room?” You ask. “Why didn’t you go home then?”

“I don’t know,” Mark shrugs. “I just don’t like going home I guess.”

You know there’s more to it than that but you let it be. For now at least.

—

Donghyuck finally comes back from his family vacation on one of the rare days you don’t have radio. He barges into your room early in the morning, shouting, “I’m here! Did you miss me?”

Taeyong, who had been fussing over you, groans. “Hello, Donghyuck. Welcome back.”

“Thanks, Yong,” Donghyuck winks at him, hopping onto your bed and hugging you. “I missed you!”

Before you can tell him to get off, Taeyong glares at Donghyuck, sternly saying, “Lee Donghyuck. Get off the bed now.”

Donghyuck whines but still complies, mostly because not even he has the guts to disobey Taeyong. Still, when the nurse leaves the room, Donghyuck climbs back on the bed, cuddling up next to you.

Donghyuck and you talk (nonstop for hours because it’s you and Donghyuck) until you realize it’s way past the usual time you go to see Mark downstairs.

You think about ditching Donghyuck but you’re too nice and end up taking Donghyuck, who’s still talking with you.

Donghyuck loudly gasps as soon as he sees Mark and has you instantly regretting your decision to bring him.

“He’s that guy!” Donghyuck whispers into your ear when you sit down at the back of the room together. You wrinkle your nose at the feeling of your best friend’s hot breath in your ear.

“What guy?”

“The guy I told you about!” Donghyuck says excitedly. “The one who’s hot and plays guitar!”

“Oh yeah,” you remember.

“You know him?” Donghyuck asks, wide eyed.

“Yeah we’re friends.”

Donghyuck gives you a look.

“What?” You ask, sensing trouble.

“Are you fucking?” Donghyuck smirks and you choke on your spit. “Doing the do? Sexing each other up?”

“Donghyuck!” You hiss, looking around to make sure nobody heard Donghyuck’s obnoxiously loud voice.

“Are you?”

“No! We’re just friends!”

Donghyuck gives you a disbelieving look. You choose to ignore him.

“So, what’s his name?” Donghyuck eventually asks.

Reluctantly, you tell him, “Mark.”

“Not Korean?”

“He was born in Canada.”

“Interesting…” Donghyuck looks thoughtful.

“What,” you halfheartedly ask.

“Nothing, it’s just,” Donghyuck leans in a little closer, “Mark is really hot, man. If you don’t want him, give him to me.”

You laugh. “What about Dr. Park?”

“Alas,” Donghyuck sighs dramatically. “I am in love with two beautiful people!”

Once Mark puts down his guitar and finishes saying goodbye to the kids, you take Donghyuck over to him to introduce your two friends to each other.

Surprisingly, Donghyuck doesn’t flirt with Mark.

You'll never admit it, but you’re kind of relieved.

—

Two days before the end of your radiation, Mark and you walk into your room to find someone sleeping on the chair next to your bed.

“Uh, you,” Mark says. “There’s a stranger in your room.”

You smile. “Looks like Mom’s back.”

On your last day at the hospital, you have a checkup with Dr. Park and then radio with Dr. Cho. You go to see Mark during the five minutes you have between the two.

“I want to hear you play again,” you whine, poking Mark’s guitar.

“Hopefully, you will soon,” Mark smiles, pulling you into a hug.

“Hopefully not here,” you mumble into Mark’s neck, making him giggle and push you away.

“My mom is talking to Dr. Park right now,” you tell Mark. Mark hums. “Guess what?” You sound way too enthusiastic for what you’re about to say. “She said I’ll have to come back for a checkup every week.”

“Am I hearing right?” Mark gasps, pulling away from you. “Are you excited about having to come to the hospital every week?”

“It’s not because of you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” you glare at Mark. “I'm excited because I’ll get to see little Jisung again.”

Mark pouts. “So you’re not happy, you’ll get to see me?”

“Seeing you will be the only downside of coming back.”

All throughout your radio, you try to come up with a plan to try and see Mark as much as you can. Maybe you can convince Mark to visit you at home since you don't actually want to visit the hospital aside from your weekly checkups.

You’re still thinking about it when Dr. Cho pats you on the back at the end of your last radiotherapy session. “Your hair is finally going to grow back,” he says with a grin. “Maybe not as nicely as you wish, though. It’ll probably be very patchy. Actually it might not even grow back at all. I once had a patient who…”

As Dr. Cho keeps rambling, you decide that you'll invite Mark to your house today. And then you’ll keep on inviting him. And that can be the new routine. Mark can come over to your house every day.

You don’t even realize Dr. Cho has stopped talking until the man pats you on the back again and tells you to take care.

Satisfied with your plan, you rush up to the roof to find Mark, your mom yelling “Don’t take too long!” as you whizz past her. You’re out of breath by the time you make it up there.

“What?” Mark says, surprised. “Aren’t you—”

“Come over to my place!” You breath out. Mark looks stunned and you laugh. “Let’s hang out at my house! It’ll be fun and my mom will drop you off later.”

Slowly, Mark smiles. “Are you sure? Haven’t you gotten tired of me?”

“Shut up,” you shove him. “Have you gotten tired of me?”

Mark’s signature smile shows up with his tiny dimple blinding you for the millionth time since you’ve met Mark. “Never.”

“Then come on!” You wrap your hand around Mark’s wrist and pull him all the way to your mom’s car.

—

Your plan ends up working. Mark doesn’t come over every day, but he does visit you a lot. Those days are your favorite days. You get to just sit at home and talk to Mark almost all night long.

You’re in your room, texting Mark, when your mom comes in, pouting. It’s one of her rare off days and since the moment you woke up, she’s been hovering around you and pouting.

“Mom, why have you been pouting all day?” You ask, putting your phone down. Your mom’s eyes light up a little and she sits down on your bed.

“I was thinking,” she says excitedly. “Since we never get to spend time together, how about we have a fun day!”

“A fun day?” You repeat. “Right now?”

“Yes! Come on! We’ll have so much fun! We can have ice cream and play board games and do puzzles and watch your favorite cartoons!”

That’s exactly what you and your mom do. Normally, you wouldn’t consider playing board games and solving puzzles to be fun activities, but you actually enjoys spending time with your mom doing, what you tell her are, old people activities.

Even though not much physical exertion is required to do those old people activities, you’re exhausted and sleepy by the time the sun goes down.

Your mom notices you falling asleep in the middle of the cartoon marathon and drags you to bed, tucking you in. She sits down next to you and starts singing you to sleep, just like she used to do when you were seven years old and missed your dad.

“Hey, Mom?” You mumble, opening your eyes a tiny bit to look up at your mother. “Aren’t you tired of being single? I mean dad’s already married and you haven’t even dated anyone since,” you shudder, “Dr. Cho.”

Your mom laughs, “I’m married too, you know. To my work. And I can honestly say it’s the best husband I’ve ever had.”

You roll your eyes under your closed eyelids. “But aren’t you lonely?”

“Of course not! I have you.” She kisses you on the forehead, “Now sleep.”

—

Your fourth weekly checkup ends up being on the day your mom has a meeting and Donghyuck has to leave for another family trip. You’re not upset though because it means you can, after a whole month of just hanging out with Mark in your room and occasionally the children’s waiting room, finally hang out with Mark on the roof.

Getting to the hospital is a bit of a hassle. You have to take the bus and walk a little so by the time you make it to Dr. Park’s room, you’re almost completely worn out.

Dr. Park gives you good news, telling you that you can come for your check up in three weeks.

You thank her and eagerly go up to the roof. Mark isn’t there yet so you decide to hide. After exactly 14 minutes, Mark arrives, humming one of his songs. You quietly creep up behind him, crouching a little. Mark is too preoccupied with his humming and doesn’t notice you getting closer.

You’re not sure if you should pounce on Mark or push him or just yell ‘BOO!’

You decide none of the above and inch close to his neck. As quietly as you can, you suck in a breath and blow.

The reaction is immediate. Mark screams, falling to the floor and clutching his hands to his neck. He buries his face in his knees and cries, “Get away! Please! I don’t have any money!”

You start laughing so hard you can barely breathe. You fall to the ground and point at Mark, who has finally lifted his face from his knees and is looking at you with shock and betrayal all over his face.

“I wish I saw your face,” you wheeze. “That scream was priceless!” You start rolling around on the dirty floor, clutching your stomach and still laughing.

“You’re so mean!” Mark yells, crawling over to you and climbing on you. “I hate you, go away!”

You try to roll away from under him but Mark pulls you back and, somehow, you two end up wrestling on the dirty roof, getting dust and who knows what else all over your clothes.

“I concede!” You finally give up, tapping your cap on the floor when Mark has you pinned down underneath him. You feel like you don’t have a single breath in your body and you’re sure your face is bright red. And not just from exhaustion.

“What kind of monster are you, fighting a sickly person?” You pant as Mark helps you up.

“You started it,” is all Mark says before ruffling your hair.

When you settle down, you smile at the ferris wheel.

“I missed that guy,” you say, pointing at the large, circular structure.

“He missed you too,” Mark ruffles your hair again.

You swat his hand away. “You have got to stop doing that,” you warn, giving Mark the most threatening glare you can create.

In response, Mark does it again. “You’re cute,” he laughs when you scream.

—

One day, Mark shows up to your door unannounced with two tubs of ice cream. One cookies and cream and one brambleberry crisp.

“Today was my last day at the hospital,” he tells you, as he searches through your kitchen for two spoons.

You walk over to help him, asking, “Why? Did you get tired of it?”

“Of course not!” Mark gasps. “I just won’t have time to go every day now because school is about to start.”

Oh yeah, school. You forgot that was even a thing. The last time you had gone to school was the day you fainted in front of everyone in the cafeteria.

“So,” you start, handing Mark a spoon and leading the way to your room. “You’re probably going to be really busy, right?”

Mark’s dimple shows. “Yeah, but don’t worry, I’ll still come visit.”

“I wasn’t worried!” You quickly protest but you don’t bother hiding the huge grin that spreads over your face.

—

“You know,” Donghyuck says, lying with his arms and legs spread out like a starfish on your bed. “I’m worried Mark is going to steal you from me.”

You snort, shoving Donghyuck off your bed. “You’re the one who never visits anymore.”

“You know that’s because my family is always taking me to places I don’t want to go!”

“Yes, yes,” you rub your temples. “Now, will you please stop screaming, you’re giving me a headache.”

“Sorry,” Donghyuck whines, climbing back on your bed, this time pulling you with him. “Go to sleep, babe,” he coos, snuggling into your chest.

Donghyuck ends up falling asleep first, your headache keeping you awake. You think about how you really do spend a lot more time with Mark than Donghyuck. But Mark won’t steal you away from your best friend.

Hanging out with Mark is different than hanging out with Donghyuck, or any of your other friends for that matter. Whenever you’re with Mark, you just feel

different.

You never really feels great, health wise, but two weeks after your last checkup, you’re at an all time low. You haven’t done anything all week but you’re still tired. You’re still only eating Dr. Park approved food but your stomach hurts. You’re sleeping well and haven’t been exposed to any loud noises, not even Donghyuck, but your head hurts.

On top of all that, Mark and Donghyuck both started going back to school, so you don’t have anyone to help cheer you up or distract you either. All in all, you feel sickly and weak and just awful.

You mope around the house, complain to your mom as soon as she gets home and send your two best friends lots of sad texts on a daily basis. Donghyuck usually replies with some nonsense only he understands and Mark doesn’t even reply, which only makes you feel worse.

“Aw, is your boyfriend ignoring you?” Donghyuck teases you whenever you complain about Mark’s silence.

“Shut up,” is always your clever retort.

—

Your moping has risen to a max by Saturday. It’s the weekend, which means Donghyuck and Mark don’t have school but they still can’t visit you because Donghyuck has to go to a family get together at his grandmother’s and Mark is still missing.

By Saturday afternoon, you just want to crawl into a little ball and sob. Why do you only have two friends? Why does your mom work on weekends? Why are you too sick to go to school? Why are you so desperate for human interaction that you want to go to school?

So many questions and no answers.

Frustrated to the point of insanity, you yell, “Shut the fuck up, will you?” At your phone when it starts ringing. You think about chucking it out your bedroom window until you see who’s calling.

Mark •̀ᴗ•́

You scramble to pick it up, almost actually throwing it out the window in the process.

“Mark!” You yell. “Where were you?”

Mark laughs, “Missed me?”

“You wish,” you spit, it’s not like Mark can see you’re smiling so wide your cheeks hurt.

“Are you free right now?”

“No, I'm very expensive.”

“That sounds like something Donghyuck would say,” Mark groans. “Just answer the question, will you?”

“Yes, I'm free. Why? Are you coming over?” You’re already excited. So much so that even your headache goes away.

“Yeah, and I'm taking you out so put on some decent clothes. No pajamas.”

“Out?” You inquire. “Out where?”

“It’s a secret. See you in ten,” Mark says before hanging up.

Your mind is a complete mess but you somehow manage to make yourself look presentable by the time Mark rings the doorbell.

Mark doesn’t even give you time to say hi, pulling you out the door as soon as you open it. “Lock it, fast. We have somewhere to be!” He says, jumping up and down.

“Calm down,” you laugh, closing the door. “So, where are we headed?” You ask once you’ve checked, and Mark’s double checked, that the door is locked and you can finally leave.

“It’s a surprise,” is all Mark says.

Mark tries to blindfold you but you refuse right away. “People are going to think we’re some kinky couple, Mark,” you hiss, shoving the blindfold Mark handed to you in your pocket.

“But how will you be surprised if we know where we’re going?” Mark frowns.

You sigh,“How about I close my eyes?”

“Okay!” Mark looks satisfied. “But you have to keep them closed the whole two bus rides there, okay? No peeking?”

“Two bus rides?” You nearly shout. Mark nods excitedly and you have no choice but to sigh again and mumble, “Fine.”

Agreeing to keep your eyes closed may not have been a bad idea, you think as Mark helps you off the second bus with a tight grasp on your hand. Mark held your hand the entire time. Even while you both were just sitting still inside the buses.

You kept your promise and didn’t peek, partly because you wanted to be surprised as much as Mark wanted to surprise you, but also because you didn’t want to see the disapproving looks you knew strangers were giving towards you and Mark.

“Okay,” Mark says, after what feels like an hour but was probably just a few minutes of walking. “You can open your eyes now!”

At first you have no idea what you’re looking at. All you see are a bunch of gears and metal rods. Then Mark lifts your head a little bit and you realize you’re standing in front of a ferris wheel. The same ferris wheel you and Mark used to look at every day from the roof.

You’re touched.

“Mark,” you say, prying your eyes away from the wheel and looking at him. You don’t know what to say but Mark saves you from having to come up with anything.

“You’re welcome. Now come on!”

You ride the ferris wheel four times together—even though it actually isn’t all that exciting—just because you want to and you can. You still feels overwhelmed as Mark takes you around to all the food stalls lined under the wheel.

Even as fatigue starts to make you a bit wobbly, you don't want to leave. You’re filled with so many feelings towards Mark you can’t think straight. You look closely at Mark’s face as he’s shoving some corn into his mouth and talking about all the types of barn animals he’s met.

Mark has a really nice face. It’s smooth and clear and houses that wonderful dimple. You just can’t get over how cute that dimple is. You just want to poke it. It’s so tiny and charming and right next to Mark’s lips. Mark’s lips are really nice too. They’re full and pink and, even though his bottom lip has a bit of corn on it at the moment, they’re perfect.

You wonder what it would feel like to kiss his lips. Your head spins a little at the thought. Maybe you should try it. If Mark doesn’t kiss you back, you can just pass it off as a joke.

“Mark,” you say, still staring at his lips.

Wait, why does Mark have four lips all of a sudden? Aren’t people supposed to have two? Or is it one? What’s the average number of lips on a person?

“Are you okay?” You faintly hear Mark ask, his four lips getting closer. If Mark’s lips are so close, why does his voice sound so far away?

You’re about to call Mark’s name again and ask why everything feels so weird but before you can even open your mouth, everything goes dark.

—

The first thing you find out when you wake up is that your tumor is back. It’s regrowing, and at an abnormally fast rate.

After crying for nearly an hour, you call Mark to apologize for fainting on him in the middle of a public space at almost ten o’clock at night, but Mark doesn’t even let you get the words out of your mouth.

“You’re up?” He screams into the phone, making you wince. “Why didn’t anyone call me?”

“Calm down, Drama Queen,” you smile. “I'm calling you now.”

Mark seems to know why you called him because whenever you get close to apologizing, he says, “Don’t you dare,” and changes the subject.

Your first surgery had been scary but the second one is even scarier. You hear Dr. Park telling your mom that your chances of survival have gone down, that it’s a fairly simple surgery but the fact that your cancer cells have started regrowing at an alarmingly fast rate could mean you might not wake up.

Your mom holds your hand the entire night before the surgery, squeezing it so tight, you lose all feeling in it.

Even though they have school, Donghyuck and Mark come to see you before you’re wheeled in. You wish everyone would stop looking at you like you’re about to die. Well, you are about to die but you don’t appreciate the looks.

“Stay with us,” Dr. Park tells you before sticking a needle in your skin.

You blink a few times before you can’t open your eyes anymore and, for the second time that week, everything goes dark.

—

This time when you wake up, the first thing you find out is that the surgery went well, but you’re still very sick. No one needs to tell you for you to know that. You can feel how sick you are when you try to move or speak or even think.

Donghyuck and Mark still visit but they visit a lot less because of school. You’re actually glad your friends can’t visit you often. You don’t want them to see you like this.

Somehow, things start to get even worse after that. Everything hurts. You can barely think, your mind is constantly screaming, your ears are constantly ringing. It hurts to open your eyes, it hurts to breathe. It hurts to be alive.

You lose the ability to eat without the help of a tube, and Mark starts visiting you every day. You know Mark has school but still doesn’t question why he drops by every day. You never have the energy to entertain Mark, so you just stare at the ceiling and listen to Mark quietly play familiar tunes or softly tell you how his day was.

You want to be able to give Mark your full attention, you want to be able to reply to Mark’s questions or laugh at his bad jokes, you want to be able to ask Mark why he still doesn’t go home until late at night. You want to be able to be close to Mark without constantly having your thoughts drift off to how tired you feel and how pathetic you are and how much everything hurts.

You’re tired. You’re tired and you just want this to end.

You look at Mark as he plays with the strings of his guitar on the chair next to your bed. You think about the ferris wheel and how happy Mark made you the day he took you there.

“I wanted to kiss you,” you speak for the first time in days.

Mark immediately stops what he was doing and stares at you, eyes impossibly wide.

“What?” He whispers.

“At the ferris wheel,” you clarify. Your voice is rough and scratchy. It doesn’t sound like your voice at all.

“You wanted to kiss me?” Mark looks stunned.

“Yes. Even though you had corn on your mouth.”

“Why?”

Mark doesn’t see you rolling your eyes. “Because I like you, silly.”

There’s a moment of silence and you’re too tired to even feel embarrassed about your impromptu confession.

But then Mark kisses you.

“What was that for?” You squeak, your voice the loudest it’s been in the past month.

Mark smiles, but it’s not one of his normal smiles. It’s not happy and sweet and there’s no dimple in sight. “I thought you said you wanted to kiss me.”

You sigh, “Mark, you didn’t have to do that just because you feel sorry for me. I know I may look like it but I'm not some charity case.”

“No!” Mark says loudly enough to make your ears start ringing. “I didn’t kiss you because you’re sick, I kissed you because I like you too.”

You're not sure if you believe him but even so, you ask Mark, “Then can you kiss me again?”

And Mark does, and it’s the best feeling in the world.

And for a moment, you don’t feel like you’re dying. You don't feel like you’re sitting on a hospital bed, losing your brain to cancer.

You feel like a normal person kissing the boy you like until neither of you can breathe.

Mark’s lips are soft and warm and sweet. They feel perfect pressed against your cold, dry ones. You think it must not be very pleasant, kissing your weak, dying lips but Mark doesn’t seem to mind, kissing your breath away at any given opportunity. It probably isn’t good for your health, being breathless so often.

But death by kisses sounds like a nice way to go.

—

Your condition is not getting better. Even though your love life is suddenly thriving, your body cannot seem to do the same.

You have conflicting thoughts. You want to feel better and fight for your mother, your friends, your boyfriend, and yourself. But it’s so hard. You just want it to end. You want to give up.

You start sobbing one day. It’s never going to end. You’re never going to feel better. There’s no point in even trying anymore.

Mark holds you and comforts you, or at least tries to, but you’re already hysterical. You hear Taeyong run into the room after you scream, “Just make it stop! Please!”

Mark is holding your hand, and playing with your fingers. He occasionally brings them up to his lips and presses tiny kisses on them.

He’s so handsome and kind and caring. He’s perfect. And he deserves so much better than this.

“Mark,” you whisper so softly you’re not even sure Mark can hear you.

But he does and looks up at you with a soft smile. “Hey, how long have you been up?”

“A while,” you try to smile back. “I’m sorry Mark.”

Mark frowns and you want to scream at him to bring the smile back. “Hey,” he brings your hand back up to his lips. “Please stop apologizing. None of this is your fault.”

“I’m sorry,” you say again, smiling slightly when Mark narrows his eyes at you. “It’s just that you deserve someone who can do things with you and for you, someone who doesn’t constantly worry you, someone you can grow old with and have little mini Marks with. Not someone who… could drop dead any second.”

“Stop that!” Mark says sharply, surprising you by how angry he looks. His face softens and he sighs. “You are that person, okay? You are not going to,” he sucks in a breath, “die anytime soon, do you hear me? You are not allowed to come into my life and make me fall in love with you and just leave.”

“Mark,” you start but Mark hushes you. He squeezes your hand and looks straight into your eyes.

“You are going to get through this. We are going to get through this. Just, please don’t give up.”

You don’t tell him you already have.

—

July is coming to an end and you’ve never felt worse. You can’t do anything but try not to scream in pain every waking moment of every day.

You’re lying down with your eyes clenched shut and your mother rubbing your arm. You vaguely register Dr. Park telling her they can do another surgery. She’s saying the same things she said before the last one. “It’s extremely risky but this time, I believe we’ll be able to get rid of it once and for all.”

“Once and for all?” You say through gritted teeth. Your mother yelps, probably because she thought you’d been asleep.

Dr. Park also looks surprised to see that you’re awake. “Uh, yes, but I must tell you, you, this procedure is more high-risk than the other ones we’ve done.” She looks back at your mom, “There’s a higher chance you might not wake up.”

“But if I do,” you look at both your doctor and your mom with pleading eyes. “It will be gone, right?”

“Most likely, but—”

“I know it might come back later but it also might be completely gone, right?”

“Yes,” Dr. Park looks at you with concern.

“Please, mom,” you start begging. “Please, this might just be the end of all this. Please.”

Your mother is reluctant but you keep pleading. You’re determined to make it through this.

Your surgery is scheduled for August 1, which means you’ll probably miss Mark’s birthday. This leaves you in a grumpy mood the entire day.

Before you’re wheeled into the operating room, your mom gives you a tight hug, getting your chest wet with her tears. Donghyuck also hugs you and makes you promise not to die.

You turn to Mark when Donghyuck finally lets go.

“Mark,” you start but Mark stops you.

“I don’t want to hear it,” he shakes his head. “I don’t know what you’re going to say, probably ‘I love you’ or something like that, but you’re saying it like it’s goodbye and I don’t want to hear it.”

You smile weakly.

“You can tell me when you come out,” Mark crosses his arms.

“I’ll try to be out in time for your birthday.”

You know the clock is ticking and it’s almost time for you to go in. You don’t know what’s going to happen, but you want to do something, just in case things don’t go well.

“Kiss me?” You ask Mark.

Mark smiles, his tiny dimple still so blinding to you, and then he kisses you. It’s still the best feeling in the world.

You’re smiling when Mark pulls away, whispering, “I’ll be waiting.”

You think about the kiss when a deep voice says, “We’re putting you under now. Stay with us, okay?”

Then everything goes dark.

But this time, everything stays dark.

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