#of course i have a fuck ton of time to prepare but ive always liked to have my details in check long before the actual thing happens

[caffeiiine]

one more thing thats been rotating around my head:

my school anime club hosts an anime con in the spring and i am genuinely so excited bc club members are staff amnd we are hsoting it! and i can host a panel!!!

#itd be my first anime con] #and also why part of the reason im trying to homemake a cosplay so i can have a cool one to wear #so many panel ideas are running around my head #i wanna make it bsd themed but im unsure how popular that would be #so i was thinking since im planning to go in dead apple fyodor cosplay #fyodor has that one line i really love “welcome to happy group counseling hour!! Im your host-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky” #and it sounds like hes introducing a game show (im not gonna force the panel goers into a counseling hour sobs dwdw) #SO my idea was anime themed game show w/ good prizes corresponding to the animes i picked the questions from #like itd INCLUDE bsd but it wouldnt be only about bsd is what im saying #therefor making it more appealing to the general con goers!!! #god its in may and im beginning to prepare for it now help me #of course i have a fuck ton of time to prepare but ive always liked to have my details in check long before the actual thing happens #i feel sorry for you and am deeply thankful if you read through my mess of thoughts #ily! /p :D #actually goodnight now its like 1:30am and id prefer to sleep earlier than i did last night <3 #sodaramblestoomuch

[froggibus]

rough sex hc with lucio?

pretty pls..🫶🏾

Lucio + Rough Sex HCs

Pairing: Lucio Correia dos Santos x gn! reader

Genre: smut/NSFW

CW: rough sex, dom! Lucio, possession, jealousy, marking, cum (lots of it too), breeding, cum stuffing, spanking, bondage, teasing, aftercare!! established relationship, drinking/alcohol

FUCK this man is so fine. you can tell the sexual frustration really popped off with this one LOL. ive been a little busy with work lately so this was delayed 😭😭 also, someone asked for Ashe x f!reader but i don’t really have any ideas for that rn so if you guys have any feel free to send them my way!

————

this man is DEFINITELY possessive

not in like an extreme way or anything

but being a celebrity, he shares so much of his life with the public, he just wants something all to himself 

and that ends up being you 

I feel like he’s usually pretty gentle or at least courteous of his partner’s needs

but when he’s jealous/possessive, that’s when his rough and dominant side comes out

you guys are at a club just trying to have a night of fun before he has to start working on his new album

he steps away to get you guys more drinks when a random guy comes up to you

he tries to make conversation but you’re not really having it

he gets a little too close to you right as your boyfriend comes back

Lucio plays it cool though 

just wraps an arm around your shoulder and hands you your drink

smiles real big at the guy too until he gets lost

definitely takes you home after that, his hand on your thigh the whole time 

as soon as you get in the door, he’s pinning you against it

one hand next to your waist, the other hand making a big show of locking the door

he is a BIG tease too 

traces his hands up and down your body, hovers his lips just above yours 

“that guy earlier really wanted a piece of you, hm?”

you nod, trying to stand on your toes to kiss him

but of course this man is a tease and backs up when you do

“too bad that im the only one who can fuck you just the way you like” 

y/n.exe has stopped working 

literally CARRIES you to the bedroom and THROWS you on the bed

leans over you and pins your hands next to your head

probably blindfolds you or ties you up or both 

this man has no mercy (pun not intended)

he will fuck you for literal hours

takes you in literally any position, he’s just desperate to be inside you and show you that you’re his

lots of marking too 

spanking, biting etc. 

expect to be covered in hickeys and bruises the next day 

(of course he’ll take super good care of you after tho)

prepare to be his personal cumdump 

like you’re going to be stuffed full when he’s done with you 

but he just wants to show everyone that you’re his 

rough sex is always followed by amazing aftercare tho

a hot bath or shower, tons of water, your favourite snacks and movies 

even when he’s being rough, he really doesn’t want to hurt you, he just gets carried away 

but if you tap out he will always listen and stop immediately

#overwatch 2 #overwatch #ow2 #overwatch x reader #overwatch x you #ow #overwatch fic #xreader #overwatch headcanons #lucio x reader #lucio x you #lucio correia dos santos #lucio overwatch #lucio hcs #overwatch smut

[indigo474]

Sept 9- 2023

i have a nice caffeine addiction. Between the coffee, the energy drinks and the pre workout.. i couldn't sleep last night. i had to work late and decided to drink an energy drink late- it's ok- nothing a little caffeine can't fix. and it goes on and on. there are worse things i could be consuming. consuming- ive been tracking my food intake. not my favorite thing to do- but- it's something i need to do. weighing my food and planning my meals is something i have to do if i want to be healthy. binge eating is no longer an option for self comfort. ive been using food for comfort since i was a young child. its all good. we are made to change and its time for a change. protein protein protein.. my late friday nights at work usually end up with me eating a ton of candy to 1. pass the time and 2. satisfy my hunger. i tried something different this week. i don't eat candy at work but i collect it.. its all over and easy to accumulate.. i gave my candy stash away and i came prepared with food. so, it worked out and i was able to get through the night without doing what i usually do.

3 of my reps are being promoted. I'm excited for them. Jenna has been my most needy rep.. at times exhausting. great person, just really unsure of herself and she needed a lot of emotional support. I of course always made time for her, but in my head was like i have other reps and other work. I am sure there were times i was a little sharper than i intended to be with her and ive actually apologized.. like hey.. i cant get to you right now so just hang on and we will talk when i can. her goal was to stay on my team forever and become my lead. i convinced her to do price training. she didn't like it and was worried she was wasting everyone's time.. i dont want to leave you she kept saying. i wasnt sure if she would accept the promotion- she did- she has a huge problem with anxiety and it became clear pricing would be better for her anxiety. during the meeting when we offered her the promotion- she said if it hadn't been for me- she would have quit and i was the reason she stuck it out. she went on about how i supported her and gave her courage to try pricing. i was taken aback. she's grown so much in the 6 months shes been on my team and to hear her say it was because of me.. a good feeling. do i think her growth is because of me.. no.. she needed a cheerleader and i'm good at that. it wasnt easy and as much as i love her- i'm glad she is leaving my team.. i might regret saying that because i have no idea who im getting and what baggage they are bringing.. i sure am learning a lot- i had to sit with the ice queen and review a review i wrote. she tells me if me and the rep agree on things i dont have to write anything- you can if you want she says. i tell her i like writing. she laughed and said i can see that. a yearly review should be a big deal.. why wouldn't i write something? she made a good point- there may come a time when i have a bunch due at the same time and i'll have to cut corners and not write an essay.. ha.

I got into the triple digits on my front loaded squats. i lifted heavy heavy this week. I also ran. my body feels good- a little sore. i saw my girl kika- she absolutely fucking loves me. i would go and hang out with her if it wasnt weird. James did say i could take her to the park- maybe i will this fall.

[brelione]

Dating Kiara Carrera Alphabet

A- Apple pie. It was before you guys had confirmed your relationship. She wanted you to meet her parents and the only way she could get them to agree to have you over is if you helped them bake apple pies. It didnt go to well since you cut your thumb on a can of filling and spilled flour on yourself. You and Kie didnt end up baking that day, instead laughing in the living room as you were supposed to be finding recipes.

B-Butterflies. Fun fact about Kie: she fucking loves butterflies. Its convenient that every summer a mini zoo comes around to OBX with lizards, snakes, llamas, goats and a little butterfly garden. You surprised her, telling her to wear her butterfly shirt for the date and taking tons of photos of her with butterflies on her fingertips.

C-Cool. It was before you two started dating. She had been interested first, trying her best to hide the blush on her cheeks whenever you were around or when your name was mentioned. “So what do you think of (Y/N)?” JJ had asked since he was the one to introduce you to his group. “Shes pretty cool.”Kiara giggled, glancing over at you.

D-Day dreaming. She often day dreamed about your future together, thinking about what kind of house you’d live in and the pets you’d have. She had a ton of doodles of house plans, lists of names for pets and made a pinterest board of ideas of how to decorate.

E-ethereal. She’s very creative with compliments and your favorite thing she calls you is her ethereal angel.

F-Fun. The entire relationship was based off of fun, hopping fences into abandoned buildings and going to the beach in the morning to check on turtle eggs.

G-Gifts. She’ll shower you with random gifts. A new bathing suit, a bracelet she made, stickers, a reusable water bottle.

H-Horoscopes. She’ll send you your daily horoscope every single morning.

I- “I love you.” “Do you really?” “Yes.” “How much?” “Like….the amount the world owes in debt times four.” “I love you more.”

J-Jupiter. Jupiter is her favorite planet so you’re always prepared to hear her alien theories at two in the morning.

K- Kisses. She loves kissing your nose. She doesnt really know why but its her favorite part of your face.

L- “Loser.” “Love you too, Kie.”

M- Mommy kink. 

N- Neighborhood. She has to give you a whole tour of her neighborhood because every single kook mansion looks the same. “I’ll put a colorful rock at the end of the driveway so you know its mine.”She grinned.

O- “Of course im sure that I love you, the fuck?”

P-Pretty Girl by Clairo. No explanation needed.

R- Rain. Whenever its raining out the two of you either end up dancing on the beach as the rain drops drench you or you cuddle up in her bed and watch a movie on her laptop. Theres really no in between.

S-Sweater Weather. Most of the time you get into her car she has it playing and a grin on her face.

T-Thrift shopping. Ive said it before and i’ll say it again. Kie loves thrifting. She always finds the best clothes for any occasion.

U-Universe. You two often lay on a blanket on the beach, share a blunt and stare at the stars. “Hmm...do you think we’re soulmates?”She asked. You exhaled white smoke, a tired grin on your face. “Hell yeah, the universe put us together for a reason.”You replied.

W-Watch you sleep. It’s another song she plays a lot and you have fallen asleep next to her multiple times while the song plays on loop.

Y-Yogurt. It was three in the morning when she poked you in the side and asked you to come with her to make a yogurt bowl. You didnt know what she meant but you went with her anyways, watching as she grabbed two bowls and scooped vanilla yogurt into them before adding pineapple slides, cherries, mango chunks, strawberries and raspberries with a sprinkle of cinnamon. “This shit is good.”She told you, handing you the dish.

Z-Zodiac signs. When she first developed a crush on yous he demanded to know your whole birth chart to test compatibility.

@poguestyleskye   @jjtheangel @lovelyelinor @messuhp @outerbongs  @copper-boom  @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @deionswannabegirl​  @simonsbluee   @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee  @on-socks-off  @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless 

#kiara x reader #kiara outer banks #obx kiara #kiara carrera #kiara carerra x you #kiara carrera imagine #kiara carerra x reader #madison bailey

[sortagaysortahigh]

i hope this doesn’t sound bad at all- but do u have the courses required to get a good mark on the LSAT? a lot of the time, when people don’t necessarily enter undergrad with the option of pursuing law school they don’t take enough classes in order to thoroughly prepare themselves for it and obviously it’s super important. if not, and you’re stressed about it, don’t count yourself out just yet! it’s important to evaluate how good your grades are and calculate your weighted GPA then compare those with the averages of schools you’re thinking of applying to. if you’re above average, don’t worry too TOO much about the LSAT but prep is always your best friend. if you’re below average, i’d try some prep courses maybe?

i hope this wasn’t any advice you weren’t looking for. i’ve just been through a lot of this with awful mental health struggles and wanna help in any way i can <3

Omg no this was actually great advice and ty for it! Ive actually taken multiple pre-law classes under my sociology degree bc they intertwined so well w philosophy, sociology, and social work which is kinda one of the pushing factors towards me wanting to go through w pursuing law school and taking the LSAT! Ive done the gpa math and whatnot and id day im in pretty good standing in terms of the schools im looking into (and w my work ethic ik my gpa is gonna either increase or stay the same which is totally fine w me), like the schools im looking at all range from 3.5s-4.0s depending on the programs but im right in that w my current 3.8 average. Im definitely taking the prep super seriously tho bc ik the test is a fuck ton of information presented in a somewhat no traditional way compared to most collegiate exams. I already bought 6 books (3 textbooks plus their workbooks) and my friend and I are looking into taking a prep course together as well

#askies #nonnie

[hedgefairy]

So I'm stuck in Berlin, which, you know, it could be worse, but I really wanted to edit that 18th century breeches video. Anyhoo, now I have time and nothing else to do, so here's

Bridgerton, Episode 2

Missed Ep. 1? Here you go.

We start off with a birthing scene, is it the Dukey? It's the Dukey! Daddy Duke does some patriarchal screaming and Mummy Duke promptly dies, because of course she does, we can't have a happy childhood for the brooding hero, c'mon!

Dukey also has a mistress (present day Dukey, not baby Dukey). Is that Opera Girl? I have real problems telling these people apart, especially the Bridgerbros. I somewhere read that it's something that features extensively in the books, them always getting confused for one another, but in the series it just comes off as "these guys all look alike". Make it a plot point or something, but without it being acknowledged on screen this just screams "we didn't know how to make white brown-haired Regency bros look distinct"...

Where, Dreadlock Gent Extra in the background again!

I'm just not a fan of the colour coding between Dukey and Daphne, she basically does a Wendy Darling closet cosplay (don't get me started on that stupid hair... Yet) and he's all dark colours, it's all light female, dark male, even with their overall colouring (her being whiter than brioche and he being a POC) and character (she's a perfect angel and he's super broody) and I just don't dig it. Give me interesting shit, not this obvious sleeping aid! Also, Daphne doesn't even wear a spencer, girl, it doesn't look like it's that hot outside and you look like you're able out in your nighty.

Notes say "Horrid Featherington dresses, the spoon is def. not silver", which yes, antagonist fashion, and ffs, send the underpaid intern who didn't go get strappy shift Ersatz tops to a thrift store for some decent silverware. I can lend you some of mine, but ugh, really, its not that hard. The budget was obviously there.

Do we finally get plot? Eloise the Spirited goes walking with Penny and her hair just... isn't,and yes, she wants to go to uni (of course, because she's not like other girls™, don't get me wrong, YES, but I'm a bit tired of modern ideas being shoehorned into historcal settings because there is so much cool historical feminism and equality discourse and I'd love to see some of that in mainstream-ish popular culture), but Penny is very preoccupied with Cousin's pregnancy.

Of course Daphne's and Dukey's super clever ruse works like a charm, tons of suitors flock to Daphne's parlour. Lord B (you remember, her super asympatico brother who is a straight-up hypocrite) is super agitated about it.

Is that Dreadlock Gent in with the suitors?

Lord B continues to be a bitch about Horrid Suitor™ (who still has a broken nose which I very much approve of).

Oooh, shirtless boxing! AND gossip! Enter Lord B(itch) who of course wants to throw hands with Dukey. I really like Dukey's boxing bro, and the breeches. I want those! Well, I kinda made some, but the notes are from when I was just making them, so, err, yes. The notes also say "bad defense work, boring footwork" and I'm not sure if I meant Dukey or Lord B, but let's just assume it's both.

More Baby Dukey flashbacks! Daddy Duke sucks. So. Much. Let him kick an actual puppy already, we get it. Fun fact: When I hear Hastings (which is Dukey's last name, but I didn't bother remembering) I automatically think of the battle.

Yay, Penny visits cousin who's all rapunzeled up in her room for being pregnant. Turns out, lol, she got knocked up because church was so boring she started flirting with a guy and they totally hit it off (I'm not sure if it's canon, but I like to think they got it on in one of those confession boxes - idk if that's the term, I'm not catholic - or behind the organ or something juicy like that). Oh god, I hope they don't kill off the baby daddy because he's a soldier.

I refuse to believe in the existence of those high heels on the feet of that acrobat.

Lady B gets invited by the Queen and elatedly let's Daphne wear the family diamonds.

I just noticed that it's just Gossip Girl meets Pride & Prejudice. Ugh. I mean, that could have been a really good thing, but no.

Cool Old Lady™ (aka. Lady Danbury) calls Dukey out for dressing so drably. I like her.

"Make yourself terrifying" is a fucking cool piece of advice.

Oh, look, Dukey and Daphne are having fun while Horrid Suitor™ looks on, and Lord B tries to intervene like the little bitch that he is. Turns out Horrid Suitor™ is horrid inside and out and still insists that Daphne basically contractually belongs to him and I just don't have enough middle fingers for that shit.

We get another flashback of how horrible Daddy Duke is.

So the two women who are not into the whole (tiringly chemistry-free) romance thing are Eloise and Penny, one of whom walks like she's trying to emulate a seventy-year old with back problems and the other is the only non-thin person on screen aside from Horrid Suitor™ (and of him I suspect that it's to underline how very unattractive he's supposed to be). It feels all a bit very caricature-ish?

Horrid Suitor™, who has a shiner now from both Daphne and Dukey (I approve), tries to blackmail his way into marriage. It's just so laughably evil? What's this subtlety thing people keep talking about?

Wait, Eloise smokes? Yay! I mean, I don't encourage that, but in this case it's actual rebellion against the perceived ideal woman. Also, it explains her voice. Also, middle Bridgerbro gets a fucking line! WTF! I wasn't prepared for this! Their interaction is really sweet, I think its my favourite so far in the entire series.

Is the portly guy at court meant to be George IV? He's not. Aww. Also, cocain and/or snuff. Queen Charlotte is being ominous and braggy.

Enter Horrid Suitor™'s mum for gossip, because of course he's not only unsightly, of bad character, a sexual harrasment on legs and all the stuff, he's also a mama's boy. Which is bad, I suppose, because it implies unmanliness and being soft, which has so many unfortunate implications in itself. Ugh.

Cousin gets a line!

Eloise feat. bad "tomboy" hair (I feel personally attacked for some reason) and Daphne have a conversation about how they are super traumatised by their mother giving birth to their siblings.

Some of the background dresses look really bad.

Dukey and Daphne switch to first names, that's SO ROMANTIC! Aaah, the chemistry! (no.)

Ooooh, so Dukey not marrying is his revenge against Daddy Duke. His bloodline dies with him. Also, he just hadn't met Protagonist Girl yet, so it would have been such a waste, right?

And this concludes Ep. 2, which had surprisingly little in terms of annotations. I could delve more into the unfortunate implications of Horrid Suitor™ being a mama's boy but I'm still writing all of this on my phone and I need a break. So,

To be Continued.

Probably soon, because the trains still aren't going.

#Bridgerton #Hedgewatch #Stuck in Berlin #Berlinstuck #Maybe it's better on drugs? #Bridgerbore

[firebrands]

you’d break your heart to make it bigger, so why not crack your skull (steve/tony)

Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, mature, post-Winter Soldier & Iron Man 3 | on ao3 , artwork by @pineapplebread here & @clarksteve here

thank you @duckmoles for doing such a great job beta reading this, and @captainstevns @suitofhumour and athletiger for listening to me and helping me while i was brainstorming all the way back in september. 

*** 

Steve wakes up and keeps his eyes closed as he takes in his surroundings. It’s a habit formed from the war, and Steve relaxes as he concludes that he’s in a hospital or something similar. Steve opens his eyes to confirm, and they land immediately upon a familiar shock of dark hair by his bedside.

“Hi,” Steve says, experimentally. 

Tony flinches, then looks up quickly. “Hey, hi, you’re awake, that’s good, how are you feeling?”

Steve considers this question and notices the dull pain, everywhere. “Like a bruise,” he says. 

There are two bags attached to his IV, and wires coming out from under his chest that are attached to a big machine that beeps periodically. The rest of the room is sparse and the TV is an old one, the muted newscast coming out grainy. Outside, through the blinds, doctors and nurses putter about in the hallway. So: a civilian hospital. 

Tony reaches over to a small desk to hand Steve a glass of water. 

“Where’d you come from?” Steve asks after having a drink. All other questions are moot, at this point; it’s Tony. Steve thinks that Tony probably has JARVIS monitor the team, alert him on big enough crises. He’s probably here because he saw the helicarriers explode, and came to check on Natasha, then dropped by to check in on Steve, since he was already in the area. It’s probably just a coincidence he was here when Steve woke up.

“New York,” Tony says, tilting his head a little as he regards Steve. “How’d you get out of the water?”

“I—” Steve starts, stops. “That’s a good question,” he finishes, smiling sheepishly. He remembers the fight, the explosion, but that’s it. He didn’t even know about the water.

What settles in his mind, now that he’s fully awake, is the memory of Bucky looming over him, wailing down punches. This is the first time since he’d seen Bucky on the highway that Steve has had time to breathe and really think about the newest reality in his life: Bucky is alive. 

Bucky is alive, and Bucky wanted to kill him.

Bucky, the one person in the world who had stayed with Steve through everything. Bucky, who had fallen all those years (decades, he reminds himself) ago. Who Steve had believed to be dead. But he was never dead, and Steve had abandoned him, and maybe Steve did deserve to be punched to unconsciousness. But he also deserved to talk to Bucky, at the very least. He needed to talk to Bucky.

Lying on those white sheets, the smell of antiseptic making Steve feel dizzy, he knows, deep in his bones, that he’d be dead before he ever stopped looking for his best friend.

“Don’t do that again,” Tony says, cutting in to Steve’s thoughts as he leans back into his seat. Tony’s hand rises to his chest to rub at it.

Steve is familiar with the motion, and that’s the only time he realizes: “What happened to your—” he says, as he gestures to his own sternum. 

Tony lets out a small huff of laughter. “Oh, you know. Got tired of it.” 

Steve furrows his brow, expecting more of an answer, and chiding himself for not noticing the entirety of the man seated beside him. Gone is the bright light that emanated from his chest, and Steve wants to know why, and how, and when? But he doesn’t know if he can ask those questions, or if he did, if Tony would answer them. It’s a strange thing that Tony is here at all, really.

So instead, Steve says, “Oh, sure. Don’t fall into bodies of water, Steve, but I’ll go right ahead and remove my life-preserving tech.”

Tony shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. “How about we reserve story time for when you’ve fully recovered, huh?” 

Steve grunts, but nods anyway: “Fine.”

They sink into a comfortable silence, waiting for the doctor to arrive. Steve’s itching to go, though—to tell Tony about Bucky, because if anyone would be able to help him, Tony seems like the best option.

Steve flexes his hand with the IV on it, and Tony’s hand covers his to stop the motion. 

“Don’t,” Tony says, so Steve doesn’t, mostly surprised by the gesture and the tingle of electricity that races up his arm.

*

Steve expects a lot of things. It’s in his nature to be prepared. There’s nothing he can do in Washington, what with Natasha spilling everything on the internet and journalists requesting interviews at every turn. So he packs up his things, pre-terminates his apartment lease, and tells Sam that he plans on looking for Bucky.

He doesn’t expect Tony to offer him a place in Stark Tower, but he recalibrates and accepts pretty quickly; besides, New York was always home, anyway. Steve didn’t think Tony took their conversation at the hospital too seriously, but Tony’s text reads: Just stay in the tower, Cap. You owe me a story.

Tony isn’t home when Steve arrives, so Steve feels free to gape at how the space has changed from the last time he was there. Gone is the dark wood, now replaced by steel and glass. It’s like nothing happened. That’s the nature of the world nowadays, Steve has noticed.

Steve unpacks his bag efficiently and settles into what JARVIS had told him was his floor by rearranging some of the furniture (one couch, two settees, a desk and chair), then eventually putting them back. 

From here, Steve can see all the way to Brooklyn, and he feels a bit funny, to be standing in a high rise with all this expensive furniture, when a few years ago, his apartment could’ve fit inside his current bedroom. Steve scrunches up his face and looks around the room again.

He feels antsy, but doesn’t want to go exploring alone. He looks over the tablet on his bedside, but doesn’t know what to do with it. There are no reports to be written, and it seems preemptive to use Tony’s tech to look for Bucky without Tony even knowing about it (or at least, knowing about it from Steve—he’s under no allusions that Tony doesn’t know about what happened in DC, but. There are probably parts only Steve can tell). 

“JARVIS?” Steve says, looking around his room.

“How may I help, Captain Rogers?”

“Is there anyone else in the tower?” Steve asks. “Or, uh, would you know when Tony’ll be here?” He adds.

“Currently Dr. Banner is in India, Agent Romanoff in Washington, Thor remains off-world, and Agent Barton has requested that his location not be disclosed unless completely necessary. Sir should be arriving shortly.”

“Thank you, JARVIS,” Steve says, taking a turn about the room.

“Always a pleasure, Captain.”

Steve picks up the tablet again and heads to the communal floor, hoping to catch Tony as soon as he arrives. He sits on one of the plush white leather couches and looks through the news about the information Natasha had dumped. Seems like a good a starting point as any.

*

“Glad to see you’ve settled in.” Steve starts up from his reading at the sound of Tony’s voice.

“Tony,” Steve sets the tablet aside to stand up. “Thank you,” he says. Tony waves him off and heads towards the kitchen.

Steve follows and leans against the marble counter as Tony presses some buttons on what Steve assumes to be the coffee machine. The rest of the kitchen is done in light wood and acrylic. It looks, in Steve’s opinion, too clean to be a kitchen. 

“How was your flight?”

“It was fine,” Steve says. “Look, Tony, I wanted to talk about DC,” he adds quickly. 

Steve doesn’t want to waste any more time than he already has. Every minute, Bucky slips deeper and deeper into obscurity, and Steve has had enough time to prepare himself to ask for Tony’s help (not that he didn’t want it, or think he needed it, it’s just—). 

“Okay, cutting to the chase, all right,” Tony says, smiling as he pours himself a cup of coffee. “Lay it on me.” 

So Steve does. Tells him about Fury, his apartment, about seeing Bucky, the fights, finding out about Hydra. Tony plays the perfect audience, listening in rapt attention and asking questions when Steve pauses. Steve isn’t used to this, at least not from Tony, who barely gives conversations enough attention to finish a sentence. Steve talks, and talks, and talks, and Tony nods along as he reaches into a cupboard to pull out a bag of chips or pour cups of coffee for them both. 

Steve is wrapping up his story, and Tony, who had removed his jacket sometime earlier, now loosens his tie, and begins to roll up his sleeves. Steve’s eyes track the movement of Tony’s hands, and Steve only realizes he's stopped talking when Tony looks up at Steve from under his lashes, hand still on a partially rolled sleeve. “And then?” he prompts. Steve starts, then looks away, clearing his throat.

“And then I woke up in the hospital, and you know the rest,” Steve finishes. 

Tony nods gravely. “That’s a fuck ton to process, Cap,” he says. “So, I guess you want my help finding Barnes?”

Steve feels something warm pool in his stomach at Tony’s choice of words: want, not need; Barnes, not Bucky.

“Yeah, if you could,” Steve says.

“If? If?” Tony scoffs and pulls out his phone, tapping on the screen quickly. Steve takes this opportunity to take a quick survey of what’s in the kitchen—outside, the sun is beginning to set and he wants dinner now, not just snacks.

“There. I’ve set up a tracker and I’m having JARVIS filter through everything Natasha sent out to the world,” Tony says. “That should be a start.”

Steve lets out a small, relieved sigh. “Thank you, Tony. Really.”

“Yeah, no, it’s fine, of course, anything,” Tony says quickly, averting his gaze and fidgeting with his phone again.

Steve has assembled ingredients for spaghetti on the kitchen counter, which Tony notices.

“Oh, Cap, no. We can get take out. Where did you even find these—” he holds up a mushroom and looks at it dubiously.

“Come on, it’s your turn. You talk, I cook. Should be easy enough,” he says, unpeeling a shallot.

“If you’re sure,” Tony says, making a face. “You really don’t have to.”

“You really want to talk to me about things we did or didn’t have to do?”

“Okay, fine. At least let me help—” Steve swats away Tony’s hand. 

“You talk. I’ll cook.”

“Okay, okay,” Tony says, sounding annoyed. But Steve’s looking directly at Tony, and that’s the only reason he sees the small upwards curl of Tony’s lips, so Steve smiles back at him before he begins chopping.

*

Steve flips through the consolidated reports on Winter Soldier sightings again, checking to see if he’d missed anything. For two months now, all Steve had done was read and wait for updates. Slowly, the rest of the Avengers had found their way into the tower; still, only Steve and Tony remained permanent fixtures while everyone else filtered in and out. 

“I just don’t understand how we haven’t found him,” Steve says. Sam is puttering around the communal floor somewhere, and Steve feels… he feels tired. Impatient. Put out.

“He has literally kept himself in the shadows for decades, man,” Sam says, from the kitchen. “If It were easy then I don’t think he’d be such a good assassin, you know?”

It took a while for Steve to really accept that was Bucky (not is). But for Steve to remain willfully ignorant of the things Bucky had done while being brainwashed was idiotic, so he stopped wringing his hands about it and decided to focus his energy on finding Bucky, instead. He tells himself that he’ll read all of the SHIELD/HYDRA files JARVIS has tagged as Winter Soldier related once they finally find him—if it wasn’t all in the file Natasha had given him, already.

Steve makes a small, whiny sound, just for himself. He hates not being able to do anything, hates waiting. He’s always been a man of action, and to be forced into a state of inaction makes him antsy. 

All he wants is to find Bucky.

“I hate not being able to do anything,” Steve says, simply.

“I hear you,” Sam says, a laugh in his voice. “But you are, though. You’re looking. You’re reading up about everything that we know about him, what HYDRA knows. I think that’s something,” Sam says, his voice shifting to a more soothing tone. Steve clicks his tongue in response, doesn’t correct Sam, and keeps reading.

*

Sam can always tell when something’s off. Not to discredit the rest of the team; they know too, after everything, it’s impossible not to know. But Sam, Sam’s just about as stubborn as Steve, and he won’t stop until Steve’s acknowledged that thinking and feeling about something for an hour isn’t enough to fully deal with the issue.

So, Sam can always tell, and this is probably why he ambushes Steve after dinner. Steve is in the kitchen boiling a pot of tea for the rest of the team as they settle in to watch a movie.

“How are you?” 

Steve would’ve prickled at the earnestness of the tone if it were anyone else, but it’s Sam, so he just sighs and says, “I’m fine, Sam.”

“Okay,” Sam says, leaning against the kitchen counter and scrolling through his phone. Steve frowns, noting Sam’s feigned indifference.

“I don’t really know what to talk about, if that’s what you want to hear,” Steve grumbles.

“Man,” Sam looks up from his phone to give Steve a once over, “I don’t want to hear anything, if you don’t wanna talk about it,” he says, looking back at his phone.

“There really isn’t—I don’t know, okay? I think I’m managing. I’ve been trying to write about it like you told me, but I can’t get anything out of my head.”

Sure, they’d all been working together and living together, but there was only so much anyone could do to address all the trust issues that had calcified through the years. At least, that’s what Sam had observed and told Steve; Steve was inclined to agree, but wouldn’t ever say it out loud. 

Captain America, Steve Rogers, bastions of truth, loyalty, and justice. It wasn’t an expectation that Captain America trusted inherently in the goodness of people and are nothing but open and kind—it was a fact. One Steve felt the burden of maintaining more heavily on some days. 

Sam shrugs. “Okay. I hope you keep trying.”

“I will,” Steve says, and means it. He turns back to the kettle that’s beginning to sing, and they both walk back to the team together. Steve feels the beginnings of doubt (fear) niggling somewhere below his heart. So, maybe, fine: write about your feelings, he thinks. Couldn’t hurt. There are worse ways to deal with your feelings.

(read the rest on ao3)

#steve x tony #stevetony #stony #capimbb2019 #capimbb #steve rogers #tony stark #things i write #IT'S FINALLY UP AAAAHHHH AAAHHHHHH

[maviemesregles]

Once I was an Eagle

Thank you all who keeps following this story, who hits Kudos on AO3, likes and reblogs and gives a kind word in the comments. It means a lot <3 I am still genuinely surprised somebody finds it interesting but I DO appreciate each and one of you for that.

This chapter has been much saved by my trusty beta Anne. Thank you! She's been my source of any possible and impossible medical info I need, patiently answering all of my questions, giving me advice and just generally making this story so much better!

Read on AO3.

Chapter I: The beginnings

Chapter II: Sassenach

Chapter III: Catharsis

Chapter IV: Lovestruck. Part I

Chapter V: Lovestruck. Part II

                                     CHAPTER VI: Flecks of sun

Saying goodbye was something Jamie and I were very bad at. The moment we would part with a kiss (so soft that it leaves a lingering tenderness float over the lips) we text or call in a space of an hour again. We were inseparable and I could not even remember anymore how it was to live without Jamie’s constant presence in my life.

Without him making the best coffee I’ve ever had.

Without the heavyweight of his arm over my waist that kept me imprisoned in the mornings in our bed.

Without our hours-long calls when we both were in our beds on different sides of Edinburgh.

Without his solid body and warmth on my couch with a bowl of crisps and Netflix on.

Without his lips on my skin and his hands knowing every inch of my body better than anyone.

Without Jamie cuddling Adso but next moment cursing in Gaelic when my cat decides to scratch him.

Without Jamie’s quiet reassurance and gentleness when my days are particularly hard at work and he’d come with me in the shower, working out the tight muscles in my back.

Without him just being there.

Our absolute inability at saying goodbyes was one of the reasons I was invited to Broch Mordha. After I was away for a week in Boston for a medical conference, Jamie simply asked me to meet his family. So now I found myself in the kitchen next to Jenny who was making dinner. Jamie had gone to the stables to check on the new horse Brian bought before he left for Glasgow. Ian was away at work and all the children were visiting his parents. I was left alone with Jenny and somehow I felt more nervous than I anticipated. She was Jamie’s older sister and nothing escaped her eye. I’ve felt like under the microscope.

* * *

Claire’s cheeks were positively glowing when she realised it was a selfie of her and Jamie snapped on his phone during their hiking two weeks ago. It was a silly one. Jamie was smiling from ear to ear. He looked as if he received the best news ever while Claire gave him a smooch on the cheek. Her hair loose, framing her face. She had the look of a woodland faerie wild and free.

Jenny snorted noticing Claire's face had become a lovely shade of scarlet.

“Jamie put it there right after yer wee hike adventure,” Jenny adjusted a magnet (that she and Ian brought from Greece) that held a small square photo. “This is our fridge of ridiculous family photos.”

A lopsided smile touched Jenny’s lips as she turned back to the salad she was preparing. No longer under the curious gaze of Jamie's older sister, Claire looked at the numerous pictures of the Frasers gracing the refrigerator.

There were childhood photos of all siblings, including William. One captured all three of them playing in a small swimming pool outside on a particularly sunny day. A little girl about six-years-old, with two dark ponytails, was laughing while she was held high up by her father. Her brother Willie, accompanied by his red-headed brother Jamie, seemed fascinated by a yellow ball he held in his hands. Jamie clearly made an effort to relieve his brother of the toy.

Claire’s eyes moved up finding a picture of Christmas day.

In that picture, Ellen Fraser sat with a little swaddled baby in her arms, (it was Jamie, Claire assumed), on a carpet by the huge Christmas tree surrounded by her other two bairns, who proudly held their new presents, with ripped wrapping paper scattered around them.

A black and white photo captured their wedding day showing the happy faces of Frasers standing outside the church in Inverness. Another one of Jamie all dressed up at his High school graduation. One of Jenny holding her university diploma, both parents proud at her side. Ian and Jenny on their honeymoon in Spain, ridiculously tanned. Pictures of all the family members outside the hospital commemorating the birth of Jenny and Ian's first born. Ian looked overwhelmed as he held his newborn son, Jenny drowning in bouquets of flowers with a blue balloon floating over her head that said: “It’s a boy!”.

And now there was a picture of Jamie and Claire. Somehow she felt thrilled by the fact that Jamie decided to put their photo there as she belonged to this family. Showing that Claire was part of their family seemed important to him. As she turned to ask if Jenny needed any help, Jamie’s sister picked up a phone that was ringing for the second time already. Claire never knew that colour from someone’s cheeks can drain away that quickly.

“Jenny?” She tentatively touched her shoulder watching her face become paler and paler. Something frighteningly awful happened to cause a cold feeling to rise from deep within Claire's belly.

“It’s Jamie. There’s been an accident.”

* * *

When people experience sleep paralysis they often describe a feeling of choking, as if some supernatural creature would sit on their chest purposely cutting an airflow in their lungs. I felt that and more. When Jenny slid down the barstool, her hand still holding a phone I stepped closer. Her face became paper white. I managed to compose myself adopting that professional mask I always used in the hospital in spite of my breathing becoming harsh and uneven.

“Jenny, what happened? Tell me.”

She raised her head, eyes fixed on my face but not actually seeing me.

Jenny tried to stand up but shifted and almost dissolved into my arms. “Jamie had fallen from a horse. He doesna move.”

He doesna move.

Each syllable ran through my head as a manifesto cutting deep into the tissue of my brain.

Jenny sobbed, chin quivering.

“Jamie is good with horses but…” She gulped and escaped from my hand that was tight on her shoulder. “Dear God, I canna lose another brother.”

She spoke in a trembling voice and her hands shook causing me to feel the weight of a ton of bricks pressing down on my chest. With each shallow breaths, I thought I could actually feel my sternum crush. Like Jenny, my legs became weak, numb lacking the strength to carry me. My mouth became dry, my eyes burned but no tears came and I gasped for breath like a fish removed from its watery home.

“Christ, what if he’s dead” Jenny whispered flying out the door into the misty evening.

“He’s not.” I tried to sound confident but inside I just wanted to shake her and scream “Of course he’s fucking not!”.

I never knew I could run this fast. I never thought I would feel that terrifying paralyzing fear of losing someone again, not so soon after learning about Uncle Lamb's heart condition. With each meter closer to the stables my stomach clenched and the coffee I had an hour ago threatened to escape, rising up in my mouth. I tried not to imagine all the possible images of Jamie’s injured body. Jenny’s gasps and cries were crawling inside me waking my own fears, making me sick. When my eyes caught the side of Ian’s figure crouched down next to still Jamie the tears snaked down my cheeks. Sniffing, I dried the salty paths away with the back of my hand.

Suddenly I remembered when a young nurse had asked me if I could perform surgery on someone I love, on someone significant. I said I wasn’t sure. In fact, I could not. She asked me if I felt the pain when I lost a patient’s life. My answer was that of course, I did. But not without reason some people call doctors cold-hearted. If we were allowed to show our true emotions it would become a mess. There were times I had to tell that terrible news to relatives and then afterwards in the company of my cat I could allow myself to feel that pain and sadness.

But now it was Jamie. This very moment I knew true fear. The reality suspended around me and the only thing I tried to think of was the severity of the fall from the horse.

Jamie’s skin was pale and there was sweat glistening along his forehead as far as I could see. My heart was beating erratically as my trembling fingers searched and found the carotid artery on his neck. I exhaled feeling the steady pulse at his clammy skin.

“Have you called the ambulance?”

“Aye, I did the second I’d found him like this.” Ian ran his hand through hair, biting his lip nervously.

“Is he alright? He’ll wake up, right? Claire?” Jenny was squeezing Ian’s hand with such force that I was afraid she would break it.

Her voice was a mixture of hope and fear, projecting her worried state of mind and confusion on me. My eyes closed as I willed myself to concentrate pushing my emotions aside.

“First of all, we need to get him to Emergency. He fell from a height and I am not sure whether he hit his head, for that he must have CAT scan.”

Jenny nodded as she clung to her husband.

“He’ll likely regain his consciousness within the minute but if not please, don’t panic. He’ll be alright.” My voice shook at those last words. Slow but steady rising and falling of Jamie’s chest was a reassuring sign of him breathing. And I smoothed his red curls back with my palm. “You’ll be just fine. I'll make sure of it”

And that same moment Jamie’s hand stirred slightly, a little twitch but enough for my eyes start to water again. This time with relief.

His eyes fluttered open. Jamie looked disoriented and the way his lips curled into a tight line I could tell he was in pain.

“Hi there,” I whispered my palm cupping his cheek gently. “You fell off a horse, honey. But you’re going to be okay.”

He made an effort to nod, his eyes closed again.

“Jamie, are you hurt?”

“My shoulder-”

I saw his Adam’s apple bob under his skin as he swallowed.

“Hurts like hell. And I feel dizzy.” It took a great amount of exertion for those words to come out.

“Be still now.” I shushed him seeing the lights of the ambulance arriving, blue lights ablaze.

* * *

Jamie had been put onto the stretcher with me sitting beside him holding onto his hand. Finally, we arrived at the hospital where I was relegated to wait in the hospital waiting room.

The hospital of Inverness was about three times smaller than the one in Edinburgh where I worked every day. The manicured hand of the receptionist pointed me to the waiting room. That room reminded me of a train station with its plastic chairs, grey painted walls, and a sad lonely ficus. The ficus failed at an attempt to brighten and lend some coziness to the room. My imagination seemed to be running wild, as I thought that even the radiators shivered from the starkness of the place.

Picking up an old issue of Elle magazine from the colourful stack I flicked through it without actually paying attention to the content. In about twenty minutes after becoming quite sick of the TV programs playing along with their obnoxious commercials, I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. A nurse, Laura as her name badge indicated, peered at me as she tapped her clipboard with a pen.

“Ma’am are ye a relative of James Fraser?”

“No-,” I shook my head, standing up. My knees painfully jerked on the table that stood in front of me sending pain down my legs.

The nurse quirked her eyebrow in a question and before she made a guess I blurted the first thing seemed logical.

“A girlfriend.”

Laura clicked her tongue as if she did not believe me and after scribbling something down with a blue and white pen she guided me to the hallway. Her hand felt heavy and cold on my back and her accent made me replay her words in my mind at least twice.

“Mr Fraser has a severe concussion. CAT scan hasn’t shown any bleeding but we advise the patient to stay overnight to monitor the symptoms.”

I just nodded walking over the sleek floors in the hallway space where my eyes started to hurt from all shiny steel and bright white walls.

“The dislocated shoulder was treated and we’ve given him ibuprofen for the pain but he’ll need rest and peace. Mr Fraser has asked about ye. Do ye wish to stay over the night, Ma’am?”

* * *

When I entered Jamie’s hospital room he was asleep. Worn out by the accident and all the procedures that followed. Jamie rested quietly in the realm of Morpheus now. Giving my eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness I reached the bed where he laid as quietly as I could. My lips softly brushed over his forehead before I slid down the chair next to him.

Just then I allowed myself to exhale deeply, all the feelings catching up with me.

I sat there in the darkness of a late November evening watching the lights of lonely passing cars draw lines over Jamie’s face.  My previous organised state of mind turned to dust in the revelation of the night creeping in. Tears stained my cheeks sliding down into the valley of my neck and finally creating a damp stain on my sweater.

I wasn’t sure where it came from but the slightest idea of losing Jamie, losing us created a hollow aching space inside my heart. It made me wrap my arms around myself for comfort as I shook my head reminding myself to breathe.

Just breathe.

You can never learn how to lose someone you love.

I’ve lost both of my parents. I was five at the time and maybe I didn't quite understand the idea of death but that evening I not only lost my parents, I also lost my childhood and old carefree self. I never got a chance to say how much I love them one more time. I’ve regretted it all my life. No matter how often I would repeat those words visiting their grave each year it would never fill that endless hole inside me.

I never got a chance to say those words to uncle Lamb. How many times did I let this sense of regret eat the flesh of my heart like a vulture devouring carrion? I knew about the poor state of his health during his last years. And I berated myself for not saying "I love you" enough.

The slightest idea of losing Jamie now slashed a deep, bleeding scar over my heart. The tears burst like a water dam, lashes heavy with dampness, my hand pressed over my lips afraid to wake Jamie with my cries.

The fear was ripping through my heart, my very being, coming out it wrenching sobs, turning my guts out. Everything became a blur as the sounds became muffled leaving me in complete silence with the only echo of my own quiet confession.

“I love you”

* * *

“I love you.” My lips repeated those three simple words again as if I was not sure I’d said them a minute ago. Sniffling into the sleeves of my sweater and smearing the remains of mascara I leaned to Jamie.

“You scared the hell out of me,” my whisper sounded hoarse and raspy. “I know you’d laugh at me. You’d say I’m a doctor and you’re in good hands. But Jamie…”

A nervous chuckle came out as I took his hand in mine, my thumb placing gentle caresses over his warm skin. Maybe I was a coward but it was easy to tell him all this while he slept.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t”  

I kept repeating those words until the rivers on my cheeks dried out and all the sounds around came back to me. Soothed by Jamie’s quiet breathing my fingers caressed his stubbled jaw.

“It’s as if my soul that’s been torn and reborn started breathing from the moment you found me.”

His hand slightly twitched in mine, fingers seeking that contact. But he was still asleep. Bringing his palm to mine I pressed my dry lips to it. The same as he did on our first night together.

“Good God, I know it’s dangerous. To let myself having someone I’m afraid to lose.  But it’s you that I need.”

I smiled.

“You know, when I went to that medical conference in Boston I swear I kept thinking about you each minute.”

After our ‘wee’ getaway to the Highlands life resumed its chaotic rhythm and swayed us away into the depths of it. Joe and I had to leave to the medical conference in Boston for a week. Jamie also had an urgent business he needed to deal with together with his uncles at the brewery.

We said our goodbyes with sloppy kisses at the airport and fifteen minutes rushed sex in the men toilet (where firstly I wiped the toilet seat before Jamie had settled himself down and then me on him). He laughed saying that I am ridiculously hygienic (calling me Dr.Beauchamp as he bit my earlobe gently). After moderately satisfying goodbye sex we parted promising to call each other each evening. In fact, we spoke only three times during that week and I ached for Jamie.

When day six arrived I was so ready to come back to beloved rainy and windy Scotland. Jamie and I chatted on Whatsapp for an hour creating so many plans for when I come back (it included a sex marathon to make up for the time apart, eating our favourite Chinese takeaway, going to see the new Marvel movie, Jamie promising to fix the dripping sink in my bathroom and me coming to Broch Mordha).

It was something I did not expect but something I was no longer wanting to reject. As I folded the last piece of clothing into my suitcase Jamie’s voice message popped on the app.

“Claire, there’s something I wanted to ask ye. But firstly I want ye to know there’s no pressure or anything like that. And ye can say no, I willna be offended. But it is important for me and I would be glad if ye agreed.”

His tone became a bit quieter then.

“I would love ye to come to Broch Mordha. To meet Jenny and Ian, to meet my Da. I could show ye around. Maybe ye could stay for a night?”

I recorded a message back.

“I would love to visit your hometown. Or rather home village should I say? I don’t mind that, Jamie. Especially, when I think of all the things you’d promised to do to me.”

I joked but in fact, I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Though I knew it must mean something more than we both anticipated at the beginning I was nearing that point. The point that I was ready to be in love with him. The point when my heart longed for him so much it hurt. The point where I thought I must already love him.

And when the last day opened its door my phone buzzed with a text that was trying to find its way to John Grey but ended in my jeans back pocket.

“Sorry, man, no pub this weekend. My girlfriend comes back from Boston and we have plans at home.”

My fingers typed back.

“I hope my boyfriend has good plans for me.”

The stupidest smile appeared on my face and I spent an additional five minutes at the airport security control because certain James Fraser called me his girlfriend and I knew he’d be the end of me.

“You should have seen the face of that officer, Jamie. He thought I was mad.” I whispered smiling. “But that’s the most unusual way I’ve become a girlfriend so far.”

I remembered arriving home in Scotland waiting for him to meet me there.

Something was rising in my chest when I saw him through the window walking up the front porch. God, I longed for him. I could almost cry with the want to be held by those hands again, to feel his body move against mine. But mostly I just wanted him near. To simply exist together in one space, to see his face when he wakes up and to listen to his untuned humming in the morning to the radio. To be with him. My breath hitched when the doorbell rang. Suddenly the blush crept in all the way on my neck to my cheeks. When my hands unlocked the door and Jamie entered our eyes settled on each other my heart pounded in my chest so hard I thought it’ll break free.

We haven’t seen each other for a week but it felt like years passed by and I couldn’t live without him any longer.

Jamie moved first, making two solid steps towards me before I myself wrapped my arms around him letting my head rest against his chest.

“A Leannan” He whispered softly pressing a kiss at my brow.

"I missed you”  I confessed quietly, Jamie’s jacket muffling my voice.

“So did I” He smiled when his thumb raised my chin and our lips collided.

I remembered when finally we went to see that Marvel movie but in fact, I had seen only the first twenty-five minutes of it. The rest will be forever be imprinted as a memory of Jamie’s hands roaming over my body and the fact that I could never tell this story to my children.

I remembered watching Jamie fixing my bathroom sink, cursing in Gaelic every now and then. It stirred something sweet and undeniable inside me and I walked over to him pressing at least a hundred kisses to his bare back.

I remembered a time when Jamie waited for me to finish my shift at the hospital and on our way out the new (and very nosy nurse) said with mischief in her eyes that we would have “verra bonnie bairns”.   It made the tips of Jamie’s ears become red and causing me to cough forcefully.

I remembered when it was time to finally come to Broch Mordha.

“Jamie, I know you cannot pick me up, I’ll take a train, it’s fine,” I started scrolling through the timetable of trains on the Edinburgh-Inverness route.

“Let Ian bring ye from the station at least, I’ll ask him,” Jamie wouldn’t drop the topic of my safety.

I smiled chewing on my lip.

“I appreciate it, but it’s not necessary. I don’t want to be a bother. You know that I can fend for myself”.

Jamie snorted but the words came out serious.

“I ken that very well, Sassenach. Yer a fierce one. But I wouldna wish for ye even to try to do that. So just agree. Aye?”

“Aye,” I mimicked him but had to admit my life now was under a guard. In every sense.

I talked a lot to him until I lulled myself to sleep in that chair.

* * *

When Jamie woke his head was spinning and he had to blink several times for his vision to adjust to the darkness of the room. He felt as though his head was splitting in two. Then that nagging pain was running down his neck all the way to his shoulder.

He could feel a familiar warmth. Claire’s hand remained curled over his. She was a fragile figure covered in shadows, crouched on that hospital chair, her head dropped down her chest. The image of her, tired, asleep and so delicate made him want to cradle her and keep her safe inside himself, with his soul being her comfort. The words echoed in his fevered memory and crawled into his heart. Taken away from his dream that was put there by Claire’s voice before.

“Tha gaol agam ort”

Claire stirred and then rose in a swift motion woken up by Jamie’s voice.

“What did you say?”

She blinked still being half drowsy.

“I said I love ye”

#fanfic #outlander fanfic #modern au #claire and jamie #the frasers #maviemesregles #once i was an eagle #flecks of sun #claire beauchamp #jamie fraser #slow burn #angst

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: Word update, Nano update, Life update

been meaning to update just like ive been meaning to do a lot of thingslksdjgldkfjgdf

So here I am 20 days into NaNo and still banging it out like a champ. I’ve had two goose egg days so far, but I’ve had a lot of very productive days as well (esp thanks to lassarina!) and as of today I’m about to be only ~1200 words behind actual target. That’s ~32K of absolutely original fiction I’ve written this month and I’m on track to making it 50K.

The amount was never a question for me - last year, after quitting my job and signing up for the Winterhawk exchange, I wrote 57K in 10 days; that pretty much proved to me that NaNo wouldn’t be about the wordcount - but it was about the habit. Can I write every day on something? Can I write original stuff every day? Can I write it around all the other words I do, for pay and for fandom?

I mean, yeah, sure, looks like I can.

I’ll admit, I went into November with a changed mindset. Having realized I’d been out of industry work for a year absolutely hit me in the head with the what do you have to show for yourself rock, and it led me to a new sort of determination I haven’t seen in a while. NaNo - the act of doing something daily and tracking it - was really just a crutch to get me into new habits. And it’s working — somewhat.

I’ve been much better during the day about dedicating time to words. I can write over 5000 words in one day before my brain really starts to sink. I can switch between original and work and fanfiction as I need. And I’ve been writing (nearly) daily for 20 days now, which was the goal, so yay.

But - as my fucking dumb gay ass should have predicted - regiments and discipline come in steps. And when I’m spending time on original fiction to that degree every day plus my work words, plus fanfiction stuff, I still don’t have time to do much more than... keep up. I’ve made no real progress on unfucking the house; I can keep afloat, but that’s it. Any extras cleaning I’ve done over the last few weeks has been UNdone by days where i can’t get to thinks.

[And, also, crucially and critically: I am sick. I’m sick for the first time in MONTHS, possibly since LAST WINTER. It was a good run while it lasted, but I’ve now been sick for over ten days, sinus infection / flu / fever / cough / sore throat / runny nose / sneezing / aching / stuffed head / gross feeling / no willpower to do anything / naps every day and not the fun gratuitous kind. I do need to note this because it’s also robbed me of any extra energy I might have had for additional activities.] [I don’t mind because it wasn’t like I was ever going to get sick again in my life, and this really just proves that it was having me out of a crowded office situation with tons of people and their tons of germs that helped me stay as not-sick as I did for so long.] [ Plus I always get sick on November so it’s like oh, hey, you again?]

The key will be — December, I want to say, but December always sucks. Holidays take up a lot of space for me and my family - not just time, really, we only spend a couple days together, but the energy of preparation and gifting always becomes frantic and gross by the end - and I have another niece birthday visit coming up that’ll eat up a weekend. The key will be taking this daily motivation and hanging onto it through December, and into January, and letting it morph itself into something that encompasses more than writing.

Now that I have the daily habit, I want to do the same with drawing, to just doodle something daily and let myself practice at that. I need to set days and times aside for house projects and have them be priority — not let the specter of Nano Words or Work Words be more important (Nano is of course a fallacy i use to be lazy; work words are important cause they pay).

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this ramble. About four or five days in I had a real low period and almost decided to quit NaNo because it was interfering too much with the rest of my day and words and chore schedule and grumble I didn’t know what I was doing and I should be writing work and commissions anyway and such whining. Then I woke up on day like six or seven, my head clear, realized that had been An Episode, and just pushed on with the wording. 20 days and over 30K is a success for me on projects; it’s the maintenance, the daily bits.

I dunno. There was gonna be a point to all this but now I’m just talking about the process (but in the most BORING way POSSIBLE because i dont want to get INTO the PROCESS and now I’m just CAPSING at RANDOM)

Anyway. Still here, still writing, still having successes and failures big time. Still broke! Who knew!

(It will always be a shame that ppl at tumblr cant see my brilliant DW tags; i use IFTTT to cross post, but i haven’t yet found one that will swipe up all of my DW tags and include them on the tumbles)

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/348Bbb1

#crossposted #dreamwidth

[itsjustashipperlife]

ENDGAME THOUGHTS

So here it is. The longest post I’ll ever write, so bear with me. (I’m not kidding, this is HUGE).

I watched Endgame at 7 pm yesterday… Came back home at 11. And I posted that I would try to sleep and make this post today. You know how many hours I slept? Four. And I finally fell asleep at 3.30 am.

I will try to say all my thoughts on this post, so if I miss something, I’m sorry. (Note: although I like more characters, the IronFam, pepperony, irondad… Will be the main concerns here, so anti Tonys, get the fuck out)

SPOILERS AHEAD

I will try to say things that I liked first, then the ones that I didn’t like, and then we’ll get to the OG6 ends, okay? Okay.

THINGS I LIKED:

The whole movie has that atmosphere that this was it. The Endgame. And it really makes you anxious for the characters. 

Clint’s first scene with his family is heartbreaking

Tony being so soft (a dad) with Nebula was fucking everything

Although it was expected,  Carol rescuing Tony and Nebula was great. (I guess it’s because the message for Pepper was received… because then why was she waiting there?)

Tony saying “I lost the kid” killed me, and then he finally calms down when Pepper hugs him

Tony’s kiss on Pepper’s cheek

Tony cutting out Steve’s bullshit had me going “Yeah, honey! That’s it”

Seriously, he looks (and feels) like shit. And he gets the strength to get up, rip off his IV, and call him out before his body can’t stand anymore

What’s left of the team trying to fix it all, going to Thanos without second thoughts and killing him once and for all (okay, maybe not “forever”, but you know… Thor finally went for the head)

That “5 years later” gasp, seeing how the world is “moving on” after the decimation

Everyone’s fucking done, and tired, and hopeless (e.g. Nat, Steve, Rocket and Nebula, Rhodey, Clint…)

Nat’s break down, trying to stay positive about Clint, and about everything (also, Rhodey helping her, looking for Clint… Because in this blog, we love and respect Colonel James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes)

Scott getting back from the quantum realm after (for him) 5 hours, to finally reunite with his now grown up daughter

Tony “moving on” (kinda). He has the life he said he wanted since AoU, with Pepper as his wife and his daughter, and living on a beautiful farm, away from everyone

Tony being the BEST DAD the MCU will ever see (no hate on Clint or Scott tho, it’s just my opinion). He loves her so much, and she loves her daddy too (3000

Morgan with the Rescue helmet

Tony kissing it

He carrying her inside to have dinner

The team getting to his house for help, cause he’s the only one that can do it

That shot of Tony pouring drinks for everyone in which we see his wedding band (because, of course, and like RDJ, Tony is that kind of man)

He being selfish about trying what Scott said. He has every right to be. Although Peter’s not there, he has Morgan. And he wants to be there for her. He’s allowing himself to be selfish for the first time in 15 years (being 2023 in the MCU right now… I think… technically…)

But… he’s Tony Stark. The selfless man the world will ever know. He can fix it, and he will

Nat, Scott and Steve talking with Bruce… or Hulk… or Proffesor Hulk (let’s call him Bruce)

Tony being domestic: doing the dishes, tucking his daughter in, the “I love you 3000″, and him being so cute with Morgan like… “whoa, honey, that’s a lot… that’s more than ‘tons’"

Him resolving the problems of the “time-travels” in a couple of hours… I stan one man… Also, Morgan seeing her daddy work and getting ice-cream before going to sleep. Again, the best dad

Once again, Tony being domestic talking with Pep (aka his wife, aka the love of his life, aka the mother of his daughter, aka his goddess, boss and queen), asking her what should he do, and Pepper, like always, being his voice of reason

Scott and Bruce trying to work with the quantum realm 

Tony driving to the compound like the badass he is (also, while being a badass, still being a dad and putting toys and a teddy bear out the way of Cap’s shield)

Bruce and Rocket looking for Thor, the appereance of Valkyrie, Korg and Miek, and Thor playing Fortnite. (I found all of Thor’s scenes very funny, but at the same time I didn’t feel like it was okay to laugh about it. He’s clearly depressed during the whole film, and every character-like every person- deal with depression and ways to cope in different ways… so I don’t think that laughing at Fat Thor was nearly okay)

Clint being a badass

His scene with Nat, holding hands

Rhodey with the best fucking idea of the movie (go back in time to baby Thanos, and… you know the rest). Again, I love this man

Bruce freaking out about it. And explaining the way the MOVIE works

Clint being succesful on the first try

The WHOLE scenes of the “domestic” team, getting up ideas of how they’re going to recollect the stones (Loved every single one of them, and I would gladly watch a film that was all about Nat, Tony and Bruce lying on a table and talking)

Jane Foster making a come-back (kinda)… Also, Thor is me when I’m doing a presentation 

Rocket calling Scott “puppy”

The team prepared. The whole “you know your teams, you know your missions” speech

The “unseen” parts of Avengers 1, after they got Loki

Scott giving 2012-Tony a heart attack and 2012-Thor helping with Mjolnir. All while actual-Tony gets the tesseract (for a while)

All of Rocket-Thor scenes in Asgard

Rhodey and Nebula laughing at Quill

2012-Cap vs actual-Cap (+America’s Ass), and the elevator scene

The ancient one and Bruce conversation

The whole thing with past and present Nebula

Stan Lee’s cameo

Tony and Steve going to 1970. Tony (aka Howard Potts… I died when his wife’s name is the first one that comes to his mind) talking to Howard Stark, having a dad to dad conversation, and Edwin Jarvis cameo. Meanwhile, Steve seeing Peggy.

Nat sacrifice for Clint. Clint crying afterwards…

The team decided to not let her sacrifice be in vain (+Bruce’s reaction)

Bruce undoing the snap

Past-Gamora helping actual-Nebula (+killing old-Nebula)

Thor, Steve and Tony fight with Thanos (while the rest of the team is trying to get the gauntlet)… (+THAT scene of Steve and Mjolnir)

THAT FUCKING SCENE WHERE ALL OF THE FALLEN AVENGERS COME BACK (+RESCUE!!) AND STEVE FINALLY SAYS “AVENGERS ASSEMBLE”

SERIOUSLY, THAT WHOLE SCENE

Rescue and Iron Man fighting back to back like the power couple they are

Rescue-Mom giving Spiderman and the gauntlet a ride

Tony and Peter reunion *sobbing* (+Groot and Rocket, +Hope and Scott, +Quill and Gamora)

THAT SCENE WITH ALL THE WOMEN FIGHTING TOGETHER (Pepper being the badass she fucking is!!)… The only woman I missed was Nat… *sobbing again*

TONY’S “I AM IRON MAN” 

PEPPER’S “ITS OKAY… YOU CAN REST NOW”

PETER SOBBING. PEPPER SOBBING. RHODEY HOLDING PETER

PETER GOING BACK TO NED AND MAY

THE VIDEO. “I LOVE YOU 3000″

THE FUNERAL WITH ALL THE TEAM (+HARLEY)

RHODEY AND HAPPY COMFORTING EACH OTHER BEHIND MORGAN AND PEP

“PROOF THAT TONY STARK HAS A HEART”

UNCLE HAPPY AND THE FUCKING CHEESEBURGUERS

Thor going with the Guardians (+Quill looking for Gamora)

Clint with his fam

Scott with his fam

Steve giving the shield to Sam

(this is kinda)-> Steve going to Peggy

In conclusion: MY HEART IS FUCKING BROKEN FOR THIS MOVIE, but nontheless I “loved” it

Okay… so now that we are done… Let’s talk about what I didn’t like:

I needed more Pepper/Tony moments, and more Pepper “mommy” moments

Uncle Happy was great… BUT WHAT ABOUT UNCLE RHODEY!

Steve, get out of the fucking way! Tony doesn’t need you now (at the begining of the movie). He needs Pepper, and Rhodey, and food, water and sleep 

Rhodey not getting a hug with Tony at the begining of the movie

Not May/Tony conflict/crying over their ‘son’

I don’t know if I like Howard’s and Tony’s talk… I do like it, but idk. I guess that in the movies he wasn’t physically abusing to him… But at least he gets to talk with his dad and he realizes he’s a very good dad with Morgan (aka, his “little girl” *sobs*)

TONY DESERVES BETTER. THE WHOLE IRONFAM DESERVES BETTER. MORGAN, PEPPER, RHODEY, HAPPY, PETER… MY GOSH, EVEN THE BOTS AND FRIDAY (I can’t talk about him in past tense, I’m sorry. I’m just in denial)

THAT FUCKING CHEESEBURGUER LINE (I swear, I will never get over that fucking line)

Steve getting to live his “endgame” with Peggy, leaving everyone behind (aka Bucky and Sam, but mostly Bucky) and being FUCKING SELFISH (in my eyes… and for what I’ve read, in a lot of actual Cap’s fans too)

How come that “the man who lays in the wire” is the one that leaves, and “the man who would cut the wire” is the one that fucking LAYS ON IT (again)

Alright. Now I’m going to talk about the OG6 ends. Although I have leave my points of view up… But I still want to talk about it more thoroughly:

Clint: Finally, Clint got his protagonism in the team. He’s going to do “whatever it takes” (and he means WHATEVER) to bring his family back. I liked his end, there’s nothing more to discuss about it.

Bruce: Yeah, Bruce finally got the best of both worlds, the mind and the strength… But what’s he going to do now?

Thor: Thor’s end was okay (IMO)… He doesn’t have the strength to be the king anymore… But Valkyrie does. And he has great chemistry with the Guardians, so I didn’t mind him going with them.

Nat: Nat’s ending was great. Let me explain. I didnt like that she died. But I felt it very on character… She has no family, her family are the avengers. And she wants to bring them back. Clint is like her brother (I’m a little into Clintasha tbh, but I accept that they give them that brother/sister relationship long ago. It proofs that not all the male/female friendships have to end in a romantic relationship), and she did anything she could to undo the snap during 5 fucking years.

Steve: Hated it (him). Yeah, you “loved” Peggy… Whatever. (The Russos trying to put Steggy as the Royal ship when everyone KNOWS that that title belongs, AND WILL ALWAYS BELONG, to Pepper and Tony). He’s just looking at the past, he has never moved on, and he never will. He let Tony gave up his family (at the age of 53… god, he had a lot to live for) and then he left Bucky behind (and the whole Hydra mess too), when he always was so nuisance about him all these years…

Tony: Hate/Love it. I love it because it’s the way of fully close the circle of this whole journey, and he’s the SAVIOR of the fucking MCU, now and always. Haters can shut their mouths now after what he did…

I hate it because… He’s my baby. He finally had the life he craved for all these years. Married to Pep, with his baby girl; trophy husband, doting father… and now he’s… gone. He’ll never see Morgan grow up (her first day at college, her first bf/gf, her graduation, her wedding, his grand-kids… any of it), he’ll never see Peter go to college either. Pepper will see all of that alone (not completely, because Happy and Rhodey will always be there, but someone will be always missing). Morgan won’t ever doubt that her daddy loves her, but still he won’t be there to kiss her goodnight, nor to tell her shitty bed time stories. (God, I’m crying again… and I really want to say I am joking, but I’m not).

Tony fucking DESERVED BETTER. 

The whole IRONFAM DESERVED BETTER.

Rhodey hold his head and pet his hair, with tears in his eyes that he refuses to let out. Peter calling him Tony for the first time ever… “We won” 

Also, Pepper is the STRONGEST WOMAN IN THE MCU. No one will EVER change my mind. She went into battlefield to help her husband, to protect their kid, and she hates violence. She fought beside him, helped defeat Thanos… And, when Tony (her Tony) was dying… She kneeled next to him, to reassure him that they would be okay, that he “can rest now”. And she didn’t break until he was gone. So the last thing he would see was her being the calm, competent person he knows she is. SHE FUCKING WAITS TILL HE’S GONE. SHE HOLDS HER TEARS AND HER SOBS SO HE WOULD FEEL OKAY. SO THAT HE COULD REST. And then, when the light of his arc reactor is out, and his hand is no longer in hers, she let it all out. She kissed his cheek one last time and sobs with her face buried in his neck… And I can’t deal with it.

Tony’s last message… “I love you 3000″ is another heartbreak. And the “Proof that Tony Stark has a heart” is the best… But the fucking cheeseburguers… If I weren’t sobbing and trembling during all that, the cheeseburguer was the charm that made me explode. It was over. It was really over. And that line made it true.

And the point is… I can’t read fanfics now. Nor see fanarts, fanvids, edits, you name it. Hell, I don’t think I’ll be able to watch any movie with Tony in it with the same eyes anymore… Any of the Iron Man movies, Homecoming, Civil War… It’s just too much. I won’t be able to watch Iron Man 1 again the same as I did before… with the cheeseburguer, and Pepper tears because she “hates job hunting”, Yinsen and his question about family, or the first time Tony flies out of his garage, with that huge, happy smile on his face.

Every time that I see 3000, I get fucking sad. And I was crying when I got home yesterday. When I calmed down a bit, I entered Instagram and Robert posted that photo of him and Jimmy Rich “holding” the A of Avengers and the tag #iloveyou #3000 and I fucking cried again… Fuck, I’ve been crying while writing all of this post.

I’m not even able to read some fluff fanfic from a couple of years ago… Pre-Infiniry war era to cheer me up. It just makes me sadden.

And… I think that’s it… I hope someone will read aaaaall my rant, but I can’t sum anything up.

.

TONY STARK, I LOVE YOU 3000 (ALWAYS WILL) 

#tony i love you 3000 #3000 #forever #tony stark deserves better #ironfam deserves better #avengers endgame #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame spoilers #spoilers #iron man #rescue #spiderman #war machine #pepper potts #tony stark #peter parker #james rhodes #rhodey #happy hogan #morgan stark-potts #morgan stark

[sage-nebula]

I hope you dont mind my asking, but wouldn't GF have decided to remove the national dex long before LGPE released? I can see those games selling well confirming to GF that "pokemon sell well regardless of cut features" but it feels strange to blame it on LGPE when the development time on the games would suggest they made this choice awhile ago. (Not to defend lgpe lack of content) Sorry if this is a bother, I just feel like I'm missing something and would really like to understand your reasoning

For almost any other game I would agree, however for Pokémon in particular:

The National Dex (insofar as the ability to transfer old pokémon over) was never going to be a Day One feature. It’s never a Day One feature in the first games of the generation. Even if they wanted to make it one, in this case they couldn’t because Home isn’t releasing until 2020. As I’ve said in other posts, if they wanted to patch in the NatDex, they’d have the time to do it. Technically speaking, they’d have the time to do it, especially since the fanbase would be willing to wait (even if there’d be a few whiners here or there) the extra time.

Since it’s not a Day One feature, it’s something that can be worked on later in the development cycle (/can even continue to be worked on after the development cycle, or at least it could be if this series were treated with the respect of, say, The Legend of Zelda series). Again, I’m not talking about DLC that’s already on the game card that needs to be activated later, I’m talking about DLC that’s patched in, content created after that you download either to the harddrive or (though I don’t know if Switch DLC works this way specifically) onto the game card itself. Given the type of content they generally want to show early in the release cycle (the general theme / concept of the games, scenes of the various areas in the region, new ‘mon), and the fact that this would be a feature added post-release anyway, we can make a safe bet that the NatDex is something they’d work on much later in the development cycle, possibly even in the last year since, again . . . they’d have that time if they wanted to use it (and if this series was treated with genuine respect).

The Let’s Go games were stated by Masuda to be the future of the franchise if they sold well. They featured a Pokédex that was limited to only the Kanto ‘Dex, plus Meltan and Melmetal. They released in November 2018, and indeed, they sold well. In early 2019 (February, IIRC) Sword & Shield were released. While of course I don’t work at Game Freak and thus can’t say for sure, I would place money on the idea that if they were even a bit on the fence about adding the National Dex, the fact that Let’s Go sold so well despite being limited to 153 ‘mon pushed them right over the edge to, “Cut the National Dex from Sword & Shield, there’s no point in working on it.” I mean, why should they expend the effort if people will buy the games anyway? Especially when President Ishihara went on record saying that long-time fans only cared about “new pokémon and features” around the time of Let’s Go’s release. Sure, they might have already been thinking about cutting the National Dex beforehand, but Let’s Go no doubt assured them that it was a safe and correct call to make.

So that’s what I mean when I say that Let’s Go’s positive sales figures sealed all of our fates. To be entirely honest, before the National Dex announcement, I was certain that we wouldn’t see the shockwaves from Let’s Go until Gen IX. But Sword & Shield having a limited ‘Dex just like Let’s Go, and having special feature ‘mon behind $60 paywalls like Let’s Go, and having core features stripped out like Let’s Go, and the fact that it’s starting to look frighteningly like the starters won’t be able to evolve like in Let’s Go . . . the effect is pretty apparent. Sure, some of this stuff was present even before Let’s Go (namely the whole “let’s ditch useful features in the name of simplifying things” tack that Masuda has been married to for years now), but in the wake of Let’s Go, it’s success, and what Masuda said would happen if it was successful, it’s really hard not to see the link.

(Note just in case anyone read too quickly: I’m not saying the starters WON’T evolve. I’m only saying that I’m starting to fear that’s the case since we’re less than a month away from release and we haven’t even seen second stage evolutions yet. Maybe they’re just trying to keep starter evolutions a surprise, that’s entirely possible, but it’s also highly suspect, and Game Freak destroyed any trust or good faith I had in them a while back.) 

As a final note, the reason why I say that the Pokémon games aren’t treated with respect is . . . well, there are a few reasons:

Game Freak stated themselves that they put their B Team on Sword & Shield while their A Team worked on Little Town Hero. They also said they wanted to create something, “as exciting, or perhaps even more exciting” than Pokémon. They’re tired of working on Pokémon, and it shows. Which, I mean, I get it, it’s been 20+ years, but in that case tell Nintendo so that they can shift the main games over to another studio. I get that Game Freak was created for the sole purpose of making Pokémon, and maybe Taijiri-san is pissed at how you’re disrespecting his baby (I would be), but for the good of the series, if you don’t want to work on it, give it to someone who does. Don’t just shift it onto your bare bones secondary dev team.

These games are in a hellish development cycle where a new one is popped out every year. Contrast this to The Legend of Zelda where, while we’ve had some anomalies where assets were able to be largely reused and so games came out only a couple years apart (see: Ocarina of Time to Majora’s Mask) --- even that had two or three years before releases, not one the very next year. Most mainline Zelda games spend five or six years in development. I’m fully aware that we will likely be waiting until something like 2022 for Breath of the Wild 2, and I am prepared to wait that time because I know the game we get will be incredible. Granted, I’m going to be dying every single time they announce a release date to push it back, but it’ll be a death I’m grateful for because I will know that the end product will be worth it. The Pokémon games used to have a similar luxury. While there were a grand total of five games released during that time (with “five games” being used loosely, given that one was a slight upgrade and the other four were really two games with slight differences between versions), Gen IV lasted for a grand total of four years. We had Diamond & Pearl in 2006, Platinum in 2008, HeartGold & SoulSilver in 2009, and then finally, Black & White in 2010. By contrast, Gen VII didn’t even last three years, technically. I mean, this November would be its third anniversary, but that’s when Gen VIII officially starts instead. To be fair, it could be argued that Gen IV didn’t have a full four years since it came out in September 2006, and Gen V came out in September 2010. But even if you make that argument, it still had a full year on Gen VII, and to be honest, that showed. The Sinnoh games are far and away not my faves, but they were still full of content. HeartGold & SoulSilver are often considered to be the best remakes in the entire franchise, and considering the content that was cut from OmegaRuby & AlphaSapphire and Masuda’s reasoning for why that content was cut, I can’t exactly argue with that even though I did genuinely enjoy ORAS. And the games that Gen IV ushered in? Controversial opinion, but I think that the Pokémon games peaked with Gen V. Black & White not only initially had a ‘dex that was nothing but new pokémon (and yet STILL included the Nat Dex later, because in Masuda’s own words he felt it cruel to keep people from playing with their faves forever!), but it also introduced a METRIC TON of new mechanics, some of which we no longer get to use (Rotation Battles? Game Freak doesn’t know her). Who knows what exactly Game Freak did with that extra year, but it was clearly a lot of work given how wonderful the games were in Gen IV and Gen V. The extra dev time showed.By contrast, Gen VII got 2.5 years (or 3 if you’re being generous). Every single game released during this gen had massive content cuts, even when comparing to Gen VI, which also had massive content cuts. Mechanics were stripped away, and Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon technically didn’t have a NatDex either, but at least you could still have all of your ‘mon in them at a later date if you wanted to. Now with Sword & Shield, we don’t even have that, despite the Switch being far more powerful than the 3DS. (We also don’t have Mega Evolution for whatever godforsaken reason, even though the Kanto Mega Evolutions at the very least were already used in Let’s Go, the fuck, Game Freak). Pokémon games print money and always have, and Game Freak has taken this and their lack of interest in the series to the depressing but I suppose logical extreme of “do whatever and they’ll buy it anyway.” There’s no love here, there’s no respect here. They just don’t care anymore, and as someone who does care an awful lot, it’s super upsetting to me.

And while people have tried to argue that the games can’t be delayed because of the anime or the card game or whatever else:

The games come first. They’ve always come first. I know some people mistakenly think that the anime came first and that the games were created later, but that is 100% false. Pokémon started as a game series and the anime was created to advertise the games, straight up.

Filler episodes exist, and the PokéAni is no stranger to them. The Orange Islands arc was an entire arc of filler created to pad time between Gens I and II. The Delacora Islands (or whatever they were called) was a filler arc meant to pad time between Gens V and VI. Arguably the majority of the Sun & Moon anime was filler, given its slice-of-life genre, meaning the anime was even less of an excuse not to delay Sword & Shield. You can’t tell me people wouldn’t have been happy with another year of the Alola crew running around getting into random adventures. People would have eaten that up and loved it. We could have had it all.

I’m not even going to dignify “but the card game” with a response lmao. This isn’t Yu-Gi-Oh!. Sure, the card game makes money, and probably a decent amount of it (merch sales probably make up the franchise’s greatest source of income, and as someone who easily spent several hundred dollars in two weeks at the PokéCenters in Japan---including over $100 in one trip to a PokéCenter while I was there, and we went multiple times---I am a big part of that), but they come up with bullshit new expansions all the time and could easily keep doing it. Again, not a reason to delay the games if the games need more time in development.

So all in all, at the end of the day, Game Freak is no longer treating these games with love and respect, which makes them an awful lot like the villains in the games they create. The Let’s Go games were harbingers of disaster for the games, and we were told this very plainly, and just about no one listened. In fact, I legitimately lost friendships with people who got mad at me for making Facebook statuses about how they should buy Let’s Go used if they absolutely had to have them because how DARE I believe Ishihara when he said that Let’s Go were considered core titles, and how DARE I believe Masuda when he said that Let’s Go would usher in the last twenty years of the franchise. Clearly, I was just being an ugly bitch. (I wish I was exaggerating, but this actually happened, I got blocked over it, it was ridiculous.) And now here we are as a result, with no hope of things getting better unless Nintendo forcibly rips Pokémon out of Game Freak’s hands, which I don’t even think they can legally do given that they only own 1/3rd of the IP. (The other 2/3rds belong to Game Freak and Creatures Inc., as I understand it.) 

TL;DR:

Pokémon is still my favorite fictional fantasy world, but as someone who has always loved the games first and foremost, the current state of it depresses me to no end.

#this kind of got off the original topic but i hope it's coherent at least #pokemon salt #pokemon negativity #long post for ts #Anonymous

[spideyjlaw]

My Avengers Endgame World Premiere experience

this is really long, lota rambling feel free to read skim anything idc, no spoilers bc this was on Monday before I saw the movie :) 

Ok Ima start Saturday night, this is when I was packing making and painting my posters that said “Thank You Avengers”, I live in California so I didn’t have to fly to this event. At 12am we (my family) we arrive in Los Angeles around 5am. At this time I thought that the premiere was going to be at El Capitan Theatre where it was originally supposed to be. We drive by the theater and we see no one is in line which was weird bc normally there would be people here already so i search and find the location which was switched last min (smh) the drive to the next location wasnt too long but at least i knew i was at the right location bc of the small group of fans and the giant poster that said Avengers Endgame World Premiere. Apparently they changed the location bc they needed a larger screening room and they didnt want tons of fans showing up, there were these girls that were waiting at the El Capitan for 2 hours before they realized something was up. Anyway, we get in line. People who were in charge told the people who stayed over night to go home bc there wasnt going to be a fan area. No one left ofc who would hell no. Then some people went on twitter to talk about it made signs it was confusing but we ended up in a fan area after going through security. We got into the fan area at 12 ish and we had to stand there for another 4 and a half hours before anything exciting happens. Now its around 4pm people are starting to arrive. (THIS IS WHEN THE ACTION STARTS) Benedict Wong then Joe Russo. Not many came all the way down the line, I was the last one on the line before it wrapped around the corner. But I did want to get barricade and able to see action so Im grateful for my spot. Then Anthony Mackie arrives he’s walking to end of the fan area around the small corner but as hes walking right as he gets near me i scream at the top of my lungs, he stops right in front of me and i go “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!ANTHONYYYYY MACKiE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!” he looks at me biggest smile. We had a whole moment together its hard to explain its kinda like a ‘you had to be there moment’ i was the longest person probably a good 20 seconds (which is a long ass time in these times when they are in a rush) he was at and while im screaming and fangirling he air grabs my head to fucking sign my forehead i closed my eyes and accepted it he didnt do it ofc but he was just a fun guy i love him soooo much he signs my posters while saying “There’s no black guy on here” (i did an original 6 themed avengers poster) but he signed than signed my bosslogic poster which he was in. paul rudd comes by hes just a rocking dude i love scott lang sm, he was so sweets v cool guys sm love for him. Then at around 5pm Chris freaking Hemsworth arrives I loose my shit and so does everyone else. Just like Joe, Benedict Wong & Anthony he also went around the corner to make sure they got all of the fans (thank u to all who did this). Ive loved Hemsie for the longest time, i did get teary eyed but i didnt cry (yet) he was just the sweetest I was able to take a crappy photo with him bc i wasnt able to function properly as i took the pic my dumbass was like “iLOvEyoUsOmUCh” its oka cause he has the cutest smile and the bluest eyes oh and i cant stress enough he smelled so good sooooo good normally i hate when guys coat themselves in cologne cause it smells bad, but his didnt, his smelled so good i was so shook like chris drop what cologne u used idc its for guys mama neeeddds. THEN IT hAPPENEd CHRISTOPHER ROBERT EVANS DRIVES BY. Everyone was like “omg is that chris evans?!”  I stand on the barricade to see if i can catch a peak, istg the moment the fucking moment he gets out the car i start to bawl my eyes out. This man who has meant more to me than anyone is over there i couldnt believe i was seeing my favorite human ever. I’ve only sobbed right as i saw my fave once before back in 2016 at the Passengers premiere when I met Jennifer Lawrence. People dont really understand the moment like this person has inspired me so much of course im going to cry and sure judge me for it but they helped me through so much. Anyway he looked soo hot in his blue suit and sunglasses. I kinda calm down bc i didnt know if he was going to come all the way down the line and yk my ass wanted a pic but he was cut half way though the people which was upsetting but again im extremely grateful to be able to see him. Then my main fucking man. Sebastian Stan arrives. see ive met the guy before last year at ace comic con (there was tea w my photo op being really messy and i hated it i got a refund u can read about that on my ace comic con post). anyway i see him. i dont cry im trying to wipe my tears i was more prepared cause ive seen him before it was gonna be ok. I lose my shit the man was wearing a baby blue pastel colored suit. fucking beautiful. iconic. very hot of you mr seb ty. hes walking down and hes getting close. he wasnt to smiley, he was taking pics but he was focused on the fans signing for as many fans as possible. He gets to me and he sees our pics then he looks u so we could take a pic and his smile just transforms you can just see his face just glow up it was the truly the cutest this ive ever experience. then we look up from the pic and hes smiling at me i tell him “I love you so much” i hear him chuckle but as he says something his security guy yells “thank you that enough” so ill be posting the vid of us and any lip readers can help a girl out ill love you forever. I ended up being Sebs last person from the fan area. he truly made my day, week fucking year. then other celebs such as jon favreau, benedict cumberbatch comes by. Jeremy Renner comes by. I shoot my shot and make small talk w Jeremy. I go “Hi Jermey how’s your day going?” he goes “I’m doing really good, how bout you?” he signs my things i excitingly tell him “I’m doing great thank you” then he goes “Thank you honey” and smiles at me. It made me really happy, i could tell he was a bit tired but Jeremy is such a sweetheart he doesnt get the credit he deserves i love him sm, ive always has a little part of my heart for Hawkeye. minutes go by. I see Lizzie Olsen, Danai Gurira, beautiful ofc. then i see fucking Mark Ruffalo hes just standing behind one of the SUVs and the sun is on him. He looked like a confused puppy it was so cute and soft, i love my ruffalo buffalo. I took my moment to scream “iS THat MARK ruFFALO?” i dont think he signed for many fans. Scarjo arrives she doesnt sign for many either she looked beautiful v pretty. a little while passes than the most bitching car comes by and stops where the cars stop until the drop off area clears and they can go. we all knew who ever was in that car he was important. then it was his time to go cause the drop off area was cleared. guess who was in the drivers seat. You guessed right. Robert Downey Jr rolling up in an Audi E-TRON, with his wife Susan Downey in the passenger seat. Truly the Tony Stark entrance. he doesnt sign for many ofc. at this time it was getting later near 6pm almost all celebs and guests are inside where the actual premiere set up is. then Vin Diesel comes in. He was the most fan based guy. even though he was running late he ran (literally speed walking) through the whole line of fans around the corner and everything. he had the biggest smile on. wearing his groot jacket. and if u dont know fast and furious are one of my fave franchises of all time so i was having the best time. then that was the last person and we started heading out. i didnt name all who ive seen since there was just to many and i probably missed some things but i loved my experience. i was able to see all the original avengers irl and that made me really happy. this whole cast means the world to me. ill love them forever 

#:) #ty to the ones who read #i didnt re read it so if there's any typos oh well ig #avengers endgame world premiere #Endgame prem!

[bakugous-abs]

Could you please do headcannons for iida, todoroki, izuku, and bakugou (if thats too many i understand) with a trans SO (ftm) who has to deal with getting misgendered most places (including home often)? Like, they help out and stuff with mental health and whatnot. Ive been havin some pretty bad dysphoria lately, and ots making my depression worse. Bonus points for kisses and cuddles. Thank you so much for your time

AH!! I’m kind of nervous since this is my first request, but I hope I did okay!

~Admin Peaches

TENYA IIDA:

- First of all, he always corrects pronouns and names. If someone calls you she/her, he’s RIGHT THERE to correct it for you if you can’t do it yourself. 

- And don’t worry, he’ll stand up for you if they turn out to be transphobic. If need be, he’s even willing to be a human shield for you!

- He doesn’t fully understand at first, though, so it’ll take a little explaining, but once he realizes what dysphoria is and that you’re dealing with it, he’s hurt! You don’t deserve to feel like that!

- Gosh, he feels so bad that he can’t make your parents respect pronouns (or change their mind if they’re transphobic) to comfort you and make you feel better about your identity. 

- But there’s one good thing about this though. If you ever need someone to fall back on, he’s waiting for you with open arms!

- As for mental health, he knows how awful depression is. He’s helped friends and those around him with it, and he hates that he can’t whisk your problems away like he can run, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t at least try. 

- On your bad days, he’ll give you something of his to wear that’s baggy enough to cover your chest, make sure you’re binding safely, and he’ll take you out if you want to go. You two will go shopping, get food and drinks, anything you want. He’ll do it for you. 

- But if you’d rather stay in on a bad day, he’ll take care of you. Bad horror movies? Hell yeah. Comfort food and video games? Absolutely. YouTube videos? Not a problem. Movies he’s never heard of but that you love? Without a fucking doubt. 

- And his hugs are perfect, too. He’ll wrap you up in one, holding you tight against his chest and running his fingers through your hair/over your head, rocking you side to side slowly. 

- Watching a movie or something, though, he’ll let you sit between his legs and lean on his chest while he wraps his arms around your middle and rests his chin on your shoulder/head, kissing your temple and cheeks.

- Of course, verbal reassurances and support is common with him too. 

- “You’re a wonderful boyfriend, (s/o). I’m sorry not everyone can respect you, but I always will. I promise.”

SHOTO TODOROKI:

- He understands the thing about being disrespected at home, and he hates it. 

- So he’s gonna make up for it as much as he can. As soon as he found out you were trans he told Iida, Uraraka, and Midoriya. It made for a pretty nice surprise when they suddenly switched to your preferred pronouns!

- In his words, “If you aren’t respected at home, I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re respected here, okay?”

- You wanna know what he hates more than almost anything though? You being misgendered. Especially when it’s on purpose.

- “Uh, excuse me. He prefers masculine pronouns.”

- He’s very soft spoken and gentle about corrections, but as soon as someone blows up on you, he’s in their way, defending you and even willing to raise his voice. 

- Remember, he has siblings. It’s instinct for him to protect others, and you’re his highest priority. 

- “(S/o)? Are you… having a bad dysphoria day? Parents again?”

- He’s hesitant about asking and comfort, since he isn’t the keenest with interaction. But after a while, he knows how to pick up on when your dysphoria is bad. 

- Or depression for that matter, but either way he’s always careful to ask and check what you want to do. 

- Normally, he suggests that you two just curl up in bed together and watch YouTube until you feel better or are up to talking. 

- For cuddling, he’s pretty hesitant but over time figures out what to do. 

- He’ll hold you to his side or in his lap with his arms around you, hands resting on your hips or sides gently, sometimes tracing his fingers over your arms and watching your face fondly as you react to the video or movie you’re watching. 

- Sometimes, he just sits there and runs his hands over you. Down your arms, over your cheeks, runs his knuckles over the sides of your neck and tucking hair behind your ear. Over your sides, the tops of your thighs. 

- “You’re so handsome, (s/o). I love you.”

- He’s always shy when he speaks like that, but the way he smiles at you, so soft before suddenly tackling you to kiss over your face with a little laugh at your squeals a giggles, makes up for that shyness pretty quick. 

- Hey, you wanna know a secret? He loves your body how it is. Of course, gain or lose weight, he won’t mind. Chest surgery? Fuck yeah, he’s so happy for you! But the thing is that he loves you for your personality. Not for your appearance. So just be yourself around him, he didn’t fall in love with you for nothing.

 IZUKU MIDORIYA

- “Midoriya Izuku, right?! From U.A.! Ooh, is that your girlfriend?”

- “Huh- oh! No, ah- that- that’s my boyfriend!”

- He’s so proud of you being openly trans. SO PROUD. 

- Of course he’s upset that you get misgendered a lot, and that your parents can’t seem to understand that they have a son not a dauGHTER-

- Either way, though, he isn’t there for nothing, and he’ll do anything to make you feel better. 

- Bad All Might impression? Done. High pitched ‘uwaAA!!’ scream? If it’ll make you laugh, so be it. Bakugou impression? Oh, gladly. And he doesn’t mind even doing some sort of charades or whatever. Anything to make you laugh. 

- Very verbal. He’ll ramble about how much he loves you and how wonderful you are. 

- He doesn’t quite understand depression or dysphoria at first but once he does, be prepared for a TON of kisses and cuddles. 

- Listen. Midoriya is shy, but he loses aLL of that to comfort you, and will tackle you in a hug and pepper your face in kisses and cheer and squeal about how much he loves you. 

- Bad days with him are actually pretty chill, though. He’ll wrap his arm around your shoulders and lean on you while you watch Disney movies and yell along to the lyrics and mimic the voices and everything!

- He’s gonna cry at all the deaths, but shut up. 

- As soon as he finds out about your parents not being supportive, though, he’s about to get All Might and have him fucking adopt you. 

- Honestly, he’d do anything and everything he could to make you happy and see you smile, see your eyes light up and mouth stretch into that smile he so loves. 

KATSUKI BAKUGOU:

- He gets pretty upset when you’re misgendered. And though, he has to admit, he isn’t ever surprised, it still makes him upset. 

- “Oi! It’s he, not she!”

- I’m not saying Kirishima’s had to hold Bakugou back from getting into fights to defend you from transphobes but that’s exactly what he’s had to do before. 

- He’s FURIOUS that your parents don’t support you. 

- “The hell do you mean they don’t fuckin’ support you?!”

- He knows he can’t change it or do anything about the fact that your parents don’t support you, which is really quite frustrating for him, but he tries his best to keep calm about it. 

- He fails that one. Like… a lot. Whenever he’s angry and ranting to you, somehow he always ends up complaining about how shitty your parents are and how much he hates them. 

- Bakugou just wants your parents to love and support you goddamnit. 

- He’s hesitant about helping with your depression and dysphoria. The first few times, he probably pushed you away since he didn’t know what to do. 

- It’s Bakugou. Don’t take it personally. But you probably did, huh?

- That’s okay. He’ll make it up to you as soon as he finds out. And trust me, he will find out. 

- Once he understands what you’re going through, though, he becomes a little more affectionate. He’s more willing to hold your hand in public, hug you and kiss your cheeks. 

- He becomes more protective, too, and doesn’t hesitate to use himself as a human shield to defend you from transphobes and bullies. 

- “Back up, extra! You leave my fucking boyfriend ALONE!”

- …much more protective. He’d probably literally kill for you honestly. 

- As soon as he finds out about your depression, though, his biggest fear switches from not being good enough to losing you faster than he could set off his explosions when he’s annoyed with Midoriya during the summer. 

- If you’re having a bad day, he’ll even be willing to let you pull him out of spars or training to comfort you and help you feel better. 

- “Huh? No. You aren’t bothering me. What do you mean by that, (s/o)? You probably couldn’t fucking bother me even if you tried.”

- He’s the protective cuddler. He won’t hesitate to wrap his body around you and hold you against him, bury his face against your temple and close his eyes. 

- He’d rather be caught dead than cuddling you, but he makes an exception for your bad days. 

#admin peaches #izuku #midoriya x reader #izuku x reader #midoriya #izuku midoriya #midoriya izuku x reader #deku #deku x reader #bakugou #bakugou x reader #katsuki #katsuki x reader #bakugou katsuki #bakugou katsuki x rader #kacchan #kacchan x reader #todoroki #todoroki x reader #shouto #shouto x reader #shoto #shoto x reader #todoroki shouto #todoroki shouto x reader #todoroki shoto #todoroki shoto x reader #iida #iida x reader #iida tenya

[doctorlaelia-ffxiv]

Proving Grounds

“Don’t you think it’s weird that a Tribunus’ daughter would reach this position at her age? Obviously she had her father pull some strings.”

 “Women don’t have the head needed for surgery. They get too emotional!” 

 “Have you seen the body on her? And the face? There’s no way she didn’t lay a few professors to get here. I heard that her and Professor Manius were a little too close... Lots of late nights spent in his office and lab together... Hah!” 

 “Are they serious-- I’m going to go break up their little rumor mill.”

 I turned turned my head to see the tall young doctor beside me starting to turn and make his way towards the group that we’d just passed. Half-smiling, I reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him back to my side. He looked at me and frowned, thick blond brows furrowed over sea green eyes.

 “I’ve heard all of it,” I told him. “Don’t worry, Quintus. They’ll say what they say. I just have to prove that I’ve earned my place here.”

 “You don’t have to prove anything,” he said, frustrated, as he fell back into step with me. “You did everything by yourself - everything. I even offered to take notes to share with you when you were so sick you couldn’t get out of bed back in school, and you said no, and dragged yourself to the lecture hall anyway. They don’t know a thing about you, or how hard you work, or--” 

 “They don’t,” I agree, turning the corner and glancing down at the chart in my arm. “Starting a fight with them about it while you’re on duty won’t teach them anything about me. They’ll probably think you’re just another doctor that I’m sleeping with. I have to go change the dressings of a patient in the ICU.” 

 Before he could open his mouth and argue again, I was already halfway down the hall, my heels clicking against the floor. In truth, the rumors that circulated around me had stopped giving me a headache a long time ago. They were like a callous. I was aware of them, of course, but they didn’t sting or burn like they did when they were blisters. They’d chased me since I first entered medical school two years earlier than one was meant to. It didn’t make sense that a sixteen year old would graduate and instantly enter pre-med, but there I was, doing just that.

 Now I had reached fellow status at the hospital, and somehow, the rumors didn’t stop coming. I assisted in and conducted successful surgeries, had written a brilliant thesis, even helped the research of a rare disease that had come under my care by suggesting the doctor in charge try a non-standard form of surgery. Regardless, I would always be the ‘hot doctor,’ the one that surely used her body or her connections to get where she was. You never heard them whispering, ‘she has an IQ of 161.’ That was irrelevant. 

 “Doctor Caelius!” someone cried from behind me, just as I was about to step in through the doors of the ICU. I turned, looking to the frantic nurse that was chasing after me. “There’s an emergency. I can’t get a hold of Doctor Pullus and he’s the surgeon on call, we need you--” 

 “What’s going on?” I asked, turning away from the ICU and running after the nurse as we made our way to the emergency room, taking the stairs two at a time and weaving past other personnel. Patients in wheelchairs and walking with their IVs blinked as we rushed past.

 “There’s a pilus primus in the emergency room with apparent head trauma,” is all the nurse said. That’s all it took for me to start sprinting faster, regretting the high heeled boots I’d opted for to wear during my rounds as my heels started to ache with the impact of each foot fall. 

When we reached the emergency room, it was chaos. There were armed guards surrounding a man slumped over in a chair, and all of the doctors and nurses that were there were apparently not being allowed access to him. One of the guards was shouting for a doctor, ignoring the nurse at his elbow as she tried to force her way through the crowd and to the injured pilus primus. 

 “We’re not letting a woman treat the pilus!” the guard shouted. “Get a man, immediately!” 

 I slowed, eyes zeroing in on the pilus in question. His face was completely drained of color, and his head was lolling against his chest, eyes half open but entirely unfocused. Blood was seeping out from beneath his thick white hair, and his lip was fat and bruised, the guards around him looking nervous. Even still, they didn’t exactly look like Garlean military material; they looked more like a gang that had lied their way into the hospital. 

 I watched Quintus starting forward, but I was faster than him. As the guard that had been shouting was distracted by my surgeon friend, I ducked beneath his arm and made my way to bleeding man, pulling the little pen-flashlight from the pocket of my coat. There was a roar of outrage by the other guards, but security had, thankfully, finally shown up. Just as I felt a hand on my shoulder to pull me back, it was gone, the burly security guards holding the rowdy group at bay. 

 “Are you able to speak?” I asked as I examined the man’s pupils and checked his pulse. He looked like hell. We didn’t have a lot of time to waste.

 “Don’t wanna womandor... women docit... doto-...” He tried to glare up at me, but the effect was lost when it was clear that he couldn’t clearly articulate. 

 “Get a CT scan immediately and prepare an operating room,” I said, straightening up and turning only to feel the man grab the back of my coat.

 “No,” he managed to snap as I turned my head back to him. “Notyu--... Not YOU... Man!” 

 “You’re experiencing something called dysphasia,” I said, pulling my coat out of his bloodied hand. “Which is why you aren’t able to speak properly. There’s a lesion on your brain from blunt force trauma, by the looks of it. Apart from that, my professional opinion is that you’re suffering from an epidural hematoma. Basically, your brain is bleeding. Eventually, it could start to move around in your skull and cause brain damage, or it could very well kill you. We won’t know that for sure until we get a scan, but I have a pretty good feeling.” 

 Turning fully, I braced my hands on the arms of the chair on either side of him and leaned in close to his face again while security was attempting to escort the armed guards out of the hospital. I was acutely aware that I was being watched by the whole room, as well as the bleeding man. He was young, probably only in his late twenties or early thirties. 

 “I’m your best bet at the moment,” I told him in a low voice, meeting his gaze. “I’m a very good surgeon. And I’m willing to bet I’m the only surgeon that wouldn’t be really angry that a group of gangsters came in and lied to the staff that they were part of the Garlean military. You know it’s illegal to impersonate law enforcement and military, right? They’d all treat you, of course - it’s in our oath - but you don’t want an annoyed surgeon. It decreases the success rate.” 

 Straightening up, I was able to turn without being grabbed again and nodded to Quintus as I passed. His mouth was half open. 

 “I’ll be leading the surgery. This one is my new patient,” I said, gesturing behind me with a thumb. “CT scan. Stat!” 

I exhaled as I removed my surgical mask and gloves, rubbing my hand against my cheek. It had been exactly as I predicted: an epidural hematoma. Fortunately, the surgery had been a success - if a long process - and I felt like I could breathe again. Talking a big game was one thing. Making good on it was another subject entirely. The patient would be moved to the ICU, and we’d figure out his actual identity from either his bodyguards or him, when he woke up. 

 “Laelia!” Quintus called out as he quickly followed me out of the operating theater. I smiled tiredly at him and reached up, patting his arm.

 “Good work today,” I told him, continuing to walk. He kept pace with me as he removed his own mask and gloves, disposing of them as he moved.

 “That was amazing. All of it! In the emergency room, and the surgery-- you do it everything so quickly and neatly, you knew his diagnosis right away-- You’re incredible. Really. I don’t think there’s anything that brain of yours can’t do.”

 “You’re going to make me blush if you keep that up,” I joked, nudging him with my elbow. 

 “Let’s go out for tea sometime,” he blurted out. “Like, um... As a man and a woman. Not as colleagues. There’s a cafe that opened up with a ton of new kinds that our traders got from Kugane, so--”

 “I don’t like tea,” I replied breezily. “And I need to look over the surgical reports before I call it a night. Doctor Pullus will be looking for me when he finds out what happened to probably question my methods. Tell him I went home.” 

 I kept walking but Quintus didn’t. I didn’t mind the sudden silence at my side, too satisfied with myself to care.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that a Tribunus’ daughter would reach this position at her age? Obviously she had her father pull some strings.”

“Women don’t have the head needed for surgery. They get too emotional!”

“Have you seen the body on her? And the face? There’s no way she didn’t lay a few professors to get here. I heard that her and Professor Manius were a little too close... Lots of late nights spent in his office and lab together... Hah!”

"Fuck you guys,” I muttered, making my way to the locker room to change.

#writing #ffxiv stories #garlemald #i headcanon that garlemald basically has all of the technology that we do for modern medicine #SHRUG EMOJI #garlean rp #ffxiv writing #garlean #blood tw

[tommyshep]

OK I GOTTA RANT ABOUT PERSONAL SHIT BUT IM THROWING IT RIGHT UNDER THE RUG HERE (under the cut) SO YOU CAN IGNORE THIS I REALLY DONT CARE K THANKS

(update: its fucking LONG you really dont have to read it i swear. its just self pity and sadness hahahahhah)

ALRIGHT FELLOWS FIRST OFF im so fucking lonely yall, i met a guy recently tho (correction i knew them for a year and always thought they were out of my league and we have had mutual friends but rarely ever talked ourselves and then one day out of the blue they came up to me and hugged me and declared us friends??) but we were supposed to hang out this weekend and it was gonna be like the first time i hang out w a friend in foreverrrrrr but they had to cancel bc they got sick. i dont think they were purposefully trying to blow me off, but that happens to me a lot. i try to make plans so that i can get myself out of the house and then people cancel.

and my best friend (best is used loosely, more like the best friend i have but we’re not that close anymore and she has plenty of people she’s closer with) has a new best friend. i used to be able to go to her house all the time and just lay on the floor or whatever and that was our thing, but now i feel sorta weird around her cos we dont talk. like even if we hang out theres really no connection and i feel like a burden and shes always like “uh ya sure you can come over” and then i feel like shit. again its not her fault, but she was always someone i could just be myself around and now i feel like shes gone.

aaaaaand i have a bunch of online friends, some who i met on here and others who moved away and now this is the only way we can talk. but i feel like im ALWAYS the one to text them first. (this isnt about anyone on here btw!!) i have to start the conversation and thennn theyre like “omg i miss you so much we need to talk more!! how are things??“ and the whole conversation is just us catching up and then at some point they dont respond and then i message them again a few months later and it happens again. its not like i think they dont care about me, but they clearly have so much else going on just bc they have a life of their own and friends and school and all this that i dont have, so they dont think about me unless i text them. it gets exhausting always texting first and feeling like im forgotten about, especially cos i dont want to tell them that im feeling this way cos i dont want them to feel guilty since its not their fault.

ive tried to stay in contact with people from my old school, and at the beginning of the year i would go to every single concert and theater production that theyre all in. and they would do that thing where they tell me they missed me and we catch up. but what bugs me is that they always say “i dont see you enough, we should hang out!!” and im hear thinking, this IS my way of staying in touch with you. nobody asked me to come to this concert, i just put it on my calendar and showed up because i wanted to see you. they never return the favor or anything, which i understand that again they have friends and school and lots going on. i just feel so fucking lonely yknow? im going to prom with a guy next month as friends, but im not even looking forward to it anymore because we never talk so i dont even really care. my mom always tries to be like “what do you mean you dont have friends? youre going to prom in a few weeks!” and like, ive tried to hang out w this guy more but he always cancels or he doesnt have a car and it just hurts yknow.

and school is going shitty rn and i have a lot going on but i cant talk to ANYONE about it and wow i didnt realize i was this sad until i typed all this shit up. what the fuck.

i have all these great opportunities this summer where im going to meet new people but im so fucking scared cos i feel like i dont even know how to have friends. and the second someone is friendly with me i start envisioning us as best friends but then i remember that i cant keep friends so it all gets fucked up and i just want to have a normal social life.

i feel selfish saying it but even the people i do have as friends (the ones who i have to text first, etc.) i could honestly live without. i see/talk to them so rarely that its like whats the point. the times we do interact it takes so much emotional input on my part that it just brings me down. i want a friend group sooo bad. like three or four friends who i can hang out with, we’ll have a group chat that lasts more than a month, and we’ll do whatever fun shit friends get to do.

i keep telling myself that i’ll have friends once i go to college but thats in like a year and a half?? and i can just picture myself freaking out in the weeks leading up to school starting, thinking that i’ll never make friends in college. and people tell me im being stupid and that of course im going to make friends, but the past few years havent shown me that!!!

sorry yall im just really emotional and i have a TON pent up but i cant seem to cry anymore and i feel like im on the verge of tears but i Cant and it sucks. and school is stressing me out and i think i probably have adhd which is getting in the way of everything and i have a huge thing this weekend and im Not prepared but i cant seem to get myself to DO ANYTHING i just sit in bed all day and lie to my mom about my assignments and i want to die i have a 4 page paper due in the morning that i havent started and fjwawkfjweioafjeiwofjiwoa

((((((it probably doesnt seem like ti but this feels really good to get out. i just wish i could dooooooo something)))))))

#jam rambles

[jihoonslattee]

Dance - Park Jihoon

Idea: 3 Years Younger! Reader X Sunbae! Jihoon

Summary: You and Jihoon had been close since you both were little but since you both had started to go to the same high school, things have gotten a little messy. Needless to say you both started acting in ways that screamed jealousy. 

Author’s Note:  WOW ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE IVE WRITTEN (i have tests every week wow i hate school) I’m so sorry if this isn’t really what you wanted, I wasn’t sure how to write this bc I’m doing it from Jihoon being international age (18) which would make the character 15 so i made it super cute and not really angst? also bc i’m not good with writing angst IM SRRY ILY

Recent A/N: OH GOD IM READING THIS OVER AND I THINK ITS SUPER BAD SO IM SORRY TO WHOEVER REQUESTED THIS (also if this does not have the keep reading bar on mobile i am sorry rip the mobile ppl bc i made this really long FHDJSKFHK 

~~~~~~~

“oh Y/N look it’s Jihoon!”

you classmate almost yelled as you went towards the window of classroom. You saw park Jihoon walking into the school with his two friends and you couldn’t help but think about how handsome he was

Jihoon was almost like the school’s star, almost bc Kang Daniel was the school’s star. 

but nonetheless it didn’t matter bc you has a huge crush on him 

emphasize on the word crush because there were tons of other girls who liked him as well. 

the only problem you had...was well 

yall were three years apart. 

so like 

you were pretty sure that even if you had the chance to date him his army of fangirls will hunt you down and take you down like nothing mattered anymore. 

which was dance (along with all his other cute friends but you only focus on jihoon)

you two often got paired up since you were on the same level in a sense. So you got to know him well and you would say hi to each other in the halls, have small conversations, and other stuff. 

so every single day your crush on Jihoon kept growing and you’re friend knew this, always and I mean ALWAYS telling you where Jihoon was, expecting you to go say hi to him yourself 

like one time she told you that jihoon was outside playing basketball with Guanlin and you were like 

“How did you find that out that’s literally all the way on the other side of the school.”

but anyways going back to present time 

while you were watching him walk into the school, his head turned towards your classroom and you could’ve sworn that you two had eye contact for a couple of seconds 

the only reason why you couldn’t really tell was because you looked away almost immediately.

but after that your day went by slowly, you didn’t really see Jihoon anywhere and you friend decided to get checked out early bc she wanted to attend a company audition. 

so you were eating lunch alone at your usual spot when you see Jihoon walking towards your direction. 

alone 

so you go in to full out panic mode

you start SHOVING the food down your throat and manage to finish your lunch. You literally throw the food into your backpack and start to get up when you hear you name being called. 

“Y/N! Wait up!” 

your mind is instantly like “be chill y/n he’s just probably here to talk to you.” but then your mind is like “wait how does he know my lunch spot.” 

so you turn around and give him a slight smile 

“whats up?” 

“I need to ask a favor for you.” 

So you just nod and you both sit down on the bench. 

“So my friend and I are going to enter the school talent show. And we need two girls and I was wondering if you would be one of them?”

your mouth almost drops in surprise, which makes jihoon laugh a little 

“are you sure you want me to be apart of your group?”

“Yeah of course! You’re such a great dancer who wouldn’t want you to be in their group.”

So instantly from that comment you agree! One bc it seems like it’ll be a great way to get closer to jihoon and also you’ll be able to show others your talent! 

time skipp

so its been a week and a half and you and Jihoon have gotten super close! Not like best friends but more like close friends

and the other girl you were dancing with seems super nice too. She was super nice to your and also seemed close with the other two guys 

she also did know of your crush on jihoon (quote on quote she said it was obvious) 

but anyways 

you were on your way to the practice room when Jihoon stopped you in your tracks. 

“Y/N wait up! Let’s go to the cafe first, we’re gonna meet the other two there before we go practice.”

you kind of give him a weird look and he’s just like 

“I-It’s like a little treat today! Come on let’s go!” 

so you both arrive at the cafe and are sitting there with your drinks 

“Hmm it’s been a hot minute Jihoon I don’t see them coming anytime soon.”

“y/n it’s only been like five minutes.”

and you just kind of awkwardly laugh it off while sipping on your drink. 

“so anyways, do you know what you’re going to do for the solo dance project for class?”

jihoon casually asks while giving you a look that you can’t really describe, maybe lie anticipation?”

“i’m not sure i’ve been focusing on our dance that I haven’t really thought about it yet.”

“Me either, maybe we would meet up sometimes and hang out while also doing our dances?”

“yea-”

“why don’t we all hang out and do it then!”

you both instantly look up and see the other girl (lets call her jane) standing in front of your table, she sits down and gives you both a smile. 

“Woojin and I are both in your class, why don’t we all work on the project together!” 

you instantly nod bc one they are your upperclassmen so you can’t really deny. 

“Great! Anyways. Jihoon, the Chemistry teacher called us and a couple of other people to talk about the test we recently took, seems like we both got a bad score.” 

This obviously sends Jihoon into panic bc as from what he’s told you before, he hates getting bad grades. 

“Oh alright, i guess we can practice another day then. Get home safely Y/N!” 

they both walk away and you eventually go home. 

The next day was a little weird. 

you didn’t see jihoon anywhere. and even if you did he wouldn’t even glance at you. 

so while you’re eating your lunch (your friend decided to audition again bc why not) Jane comes up to you. 

“Hey Y/N I’ve got some bad news.” 

She gives you the most disappointed look ever 

“Since we got bad scores from the test yestreday, Jihoon decided that he didn’t want to do the talent show anymore since he needs to study. I hope you can understand.” 

she apologetically rubs your shoulder and you just nod. 

“yeah I get what you mean. Maybe i’ll ask him about it later.” 

she just gives you another smile and nods as she stands up

“Yeah for sure! i’m sure he would feel better about it if you talked to him. Anyways, I’ll see you later!” 

she walks away and you decide to go comfort Jihoon. 

you catch him walking alone in one of the hallways

“Jihoon!” 

he kind of stop in his tracks as you rush to catch up with him. 

“I heard about-”

“I don’t really wanna talk to you right now Y/N” 

you kind of give him a “wtf” look and decide to pry 

“um why not? I didn’t do anything”

he kind of gives a sigh and turns towards you

“You have been annoying me lately.” 

“Uh says the person who literally asked me if we could practice and hang out together just yesterday. Now whats up.”

“I was thinking about yesterday and you were doing some of my pet peeves, so I kind of want to be left alone for now.” 

you scoffed 

“seriously? We’ve been friends for a while now and you decide to let me get on your nerves now? After I actually decide I like you a lot?”

Jihoon’s eyes get wide and your mind is instantly in panic mode like 

“oh shit girl you done fucked up”

SO NOW you are like 

“haha well look at the time you asked me to leave you alone and now here i am, leaving you alone.” 

you start quickly running off but you don’t even hear jihoon call towards you so you just start walking at a normal pace when you feel someone grab your wrist strongly 

“Do you have-”

you turn around and you were initially prepared to fight whoever grabbed your wrist but it was jihoon, giving you the most dorkiest smile ever 

“You like me?” 

“Uh, not processing sorry” 

“Be real, you like me?” 

you legit just wanted to pretend that you just said it out of anger but hey, why not get it over with now?

“Yes I do, but you are literally 3 years older than me.”

“What would you say if i liked you back?”

you just gave him a look. A minute later you burst into laughter. 

“HAHA I love jokes but yeah let’s pretend this didn’t happen and I’ll go back to leaving you alone.”

you take your wrist out (or at least try to) but it doesn’t work as jihoon just pulls you into a hug.  

“For someone who said I was getting on their nerves you are bring pretty friendly rn” 

He laughs and your heart starts racing. “NO” your mind is screaming bc he literally was bad at your one second ago and now he’s hugging you. 

“why are you literally like hot and cold water.”

“i seriously like you too y/n”

you push away from him 

“i don’t know, i think ppl will give me weird looks. And your army of fangirls will ruin my life.”

“i mean if you’re that concerned we don’t have to date now. We can just be a thing until you are okay with putting a name on our relationship.” 

you just look at him and blink at him for a few times. 

“I-I mean if y-you’re comfortable with that.” 

he chuckles and nods his head. 

“Well since we’re a thing now, lemme do this real quick.” 

he comes a little closer and he starts leaning in

atm your heart is beating so fast that you are preparing to run away to calm your heart. 

but 

Jihoon smiles and just goes up to kiss your forehead 

“You’re so cute Y/N” 

your face turns BRIGHT red and you just hit him a little 

“ANYWAYS why were you peeved off with me anyways.” 

“o-oh, well I was told something. i was told that you were only dancing with us to impress someone else.” 

you just kind of laughed it off and sat down at the nearby bench 

“Funny enough I’m guessing it’s jane.” 

he kind of looked at you in surprise and cleared his throat 

“y-yeah, how did you know?” 

“welll she told me that you wanted to stop doing the dance because you wanted to focus on your grades.” 

he laughed a little while taking a seat at the near by bench. 

“I should’ve known she would’ve been like that.”

you kind of just gave him a like “alright jihoon i have no idea what context you are using but alright.” so he replies

“She confessed to me before and i told her that i liked someone else and i guess she assumed it was you when you joined out dance group, which she was right on.”

you turned a little red again and you just turn around. 

“gosh dang it jihoon, hurry and go before i melt.” 

he just laughs and gets off the bench before turning you around and giving you a slight hug 

“i’ll talk to you later Y/N.”

after he walks away you just kind of sit there on the bench, not processing what had just happened. but soon after you received a text.

from jihoon

“Maybe instead of a group dance we should do a dance with just us~” 

you laughed and just sent a response back 

“nope, i wouldn’t want to let woojin down.” 

so there you have it, you somehow are now a thing with jihoon 

lets just hope his fangirls won’t find out anytime soon

end! thank you for reading! i am super apologetic to the requester, i did not mean to take this long 

#wanna one #wannaone #jihoon #park jihoon #jeojang #wink boy #wanna one scenario #wanna one imagine #park jihoon scenario #park jihoon imagine #produce 101 season 2 #pd101 #produce 101 #produce 101 season 2 scenario #produce 101 season 2 imagine