Eddie: What are you, five?
Buck: Yeah, five feet taller than you.
Buck: Please don't kill me.
294 notes · View notes
Skeptic, as his laptop fan suddenly becomes louder: What is it?? What program?? Who is doing this to you???
Skeptic, opening task manager: Who do I need to kill????
186 notes · View notes
Ikkaku: Request for you not to be a bitch.
Yumichika: Request denied.
92 notes · View notes
Skull: [posts a super low-quality image to the group chat]
Colonnello: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents
Skull: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Tsuna: Actually I did the math, Colonnello would have $225, not $0.15
Viper: No, Colonnello would have $22,500.
Colonnello: Fam I’m right here....
Reborn: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Fon: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please
Reborn: sorry I only have a dollar
Tsuna: Hey I just realized Viper is right, Colonnello would have $22,500 because it’s a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Reborn: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Bermuda: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Verde: Yeah and he wants soda and apply juice
Lal: Apply juice to what
Colonnello: Directly to the forehead
Jaeger: Great chat everyone.
27 notes · View notes
Bilbo: Thorin was getting on my nerves today, so I told him I can't wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.
Bilbo: There is nothing special about tomorrow.
Bilbo: But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over.
1K notes · View notes
Wanda: Why is your back covered with scratches?
[Flashbacks of Y/n and Peter chasing a racoon after Wanda told them to leave it alone]
Y/n: I’m having an affair.
617 notes · View notes
todoroki: why are you holding midoriya’s hand?
bakugou: so he doesn’t get lost, duh
todoroki: he’s sleeping
745 notes · View notes
Persephone: Hades, what’s wrong?
Hades, scratching two of Cerberus' heads and crying: I don’t have enough hands
269 notes · View notes
Shinsou: Aizawa taught me to always think before I act
Shinsou: So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured I have thought through and am confident in my actions
795 notes · View notes
Xiao: Your existence is confusing.
Venti: How so?
Xiao: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.
357 notes · View notes
Artemis: I would betray all of you in the Hunger Games.
Apollo: I’m sorry, are you insinuating that the Hunger Games would be the only situation when you would?
165 notes · View notes
Buck: I can’t find a costume for Halloween. Can I go as your boyfriend?
Eddie: Only if you stay in character all year.
484 notes · View notes
Giran: Let’s have a coffee break. Come back after fifteen.
Giran: To clarify, I meant fifteen minutes. Don’t have fifteen coffees.
Twice, vibrating: Fucking say that, then.
644 notes · View notes
Sasuke: Every time I see Sakura, my heart clenches and I get all nervous.
Kakashi: That's because you love her.
Sakura: Every time I see Sasuke, my heart clenches and I get all nervous.
Naruto: Don't get close to him again, you seem to have an allergic reaction.
316 notes · View notes
Momo: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and...
Toshiro: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
Momo: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said...
Toshiro: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.
188 notes · View notes
Legolas: [accidentally brushes Gimli's hand]
Gimli: [aggressively holds Legolas’s hand]
Gimli: Fucking commit to it.
935 notes · View notes
Wanda: I hardly slept last night.
Agatha: People say that when you can’t sleep, it means someone is thinking about you. Someone who loves you.
Wanda: Who the hell would be thinking of me at 3am?
Y/n: [Gay Panic]
459 notes · View notes
Katara: I like a person who’s environmentally aware.
Zuko, pointing to the sky: That’s the sun.
162 notes · View notes
Odysseus, holding the door: After you.
Achilles: No, thanks. I never let anyone walk behind me. 7/10 attacks are from the back.
Odysseus: Still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
Achilles: Yeah but it'd be easier to stop. I could always bl–
Odysseus: *slaps him*
289 notes · View notes
Kaminari, drunk: The greatest trick god ever played with me was banning me from the all you can eat pizza buffet :(
Kirishima: Why'd you get banned?
Kaminari: Touched the rat :(
Kirishima: What rat???
Kaminari: Chunky cheese
150 notes · View notes