#the blender went with my folks though

[freepassbound]

2. Do you like smoothies?

6. What do you use to keep your place when you’re reading a book?

15. Do you have any houseplants? Do any of them have names?

39. What was the best part of your day today?

40. Describe your perfect sleeping conditions

2. Do you like smoothies?

They're alright? I don't really go out of my way to get them very often - smoothie store ones usually have too much stuff in them for my liking - and I don't have a blender, so... 🤷‍♂️

6. What do you use to keep your place when you’re reading a book?

Just simple small bookmarks. Get them pretty frequently in the mail as freebies from various nonprofits - I've got a stockpile of probably a couple dozen at this point.

15. Do you have any houseplants? Do any of them have names?

Just one - a basic bamboo. It does not have a name. 😅

39. What was the best part of your day today?

It's really tempting to say it was when the work day ended - I spent most of the last two days only with the most vexing bunch of kids (and they've been extra vexing of late) - but there were a couple good moments in there: one class took a quiz and then there was nothing else to do so we played a little game about some different aspects of what the country was like at the time, and that had a few highlights; also when I was grading I saw one student had almost fallen for the word pun gag answer, but had caught themselves and gotten it right (circled and erased the punny one).

Honestly, there's always something awesome with the kids when you're a teacher - that's how they get you to keep coming back.

40. Describe your perfect sleeping conditions

Cold, pitch dark, and fans going - exactly what I get seven months of the year!

#yet I still don't sleep well 😅 #I do a *hell* of a lot worse when I don't have those conditions though #I'm not great at keeping houseplants alive 😬 #I forget to water #and this house gets terrible light #used to get this smoothie mix which was pretty good #a nice cold treat on a hot day #the blender went with my folks though #thank you for the questions! 😊 #asks

[cy-cyborg]

Ok so the saga with my old PC continues and is only fueling my desire to get back into fanfiction lol because I found all of the files from my attempt at making a legend of spyro fan-game! I honestly thought they were lost, I'm so excited to see all this stuff again! This was the "logo" for the game (I know its nearly unreadable lol, so it says "The Legend of Cynder, Shadows of The Past". 14/15 year old me didn't seem to care much for readability, I think I'd just discovered photoshop's layer effects lol)

Here's a bunch of random stuff I found.

I'm defiantly going to do a redraw of that last one at some point. That was like, THE thing I remember being super proud of when I first did it. I think it was going to be part of the trailer my now-partner was putting together for the game lol.

Actually, a lot of these were actually just frames from animations, but either the files are either just corrupted, or high school me didn't know how to set fps and resolution properly in the output so I got a headache trying to watch them lol. It's probably the second one honestly. Also I remember my old laptop wasn't able to play back the animation because it would lag so much, so I just had to kind of...guess at timing, and that went about as well as you'd expect. It didn't help that blender used to have this bug where your audio would move around your timeline so it really was just random guessing. I'm amazed anything got done at all, let alone how far we actually got (that is to say, not far at all but we had something playable at least).

I also found the demo files and footage of the "game" running (running at 12fps but running)! I'm curious if they still work, I'll have to download an older version of blender to test them out!

There's actually a lot more but actually finding it is proving to be quite a challenge since this laptop seems to be the digital equivalent of an ADHD "doom box" - meaning nothing is sorted into folders that make even a remote lick of sense to me, it's all just kind of thrown in together lmao.

I wanted to post these though because even though I don't really do 3D stuff anymore, It still made me really happy to see how much progress I've made over the years and how far I've come. Also a few folks who worked on this project with me back on Deviantart have started finding me lol, so in case there's anyone else out there, hello! I'm not dead, I'm still around, I'm just a lot more (openly) queer now lmao.

Image descriptions:

[ID 1: A game title that reads "The Legend of Cynder, Shadows of the Past". The two lines, "the legend of" and "shadows of the past" are written in dark purple text. The purple material is supposed to look like liquid, but instead just looks hard to read. "Cynder" is writen in black, 3D text with red outlines, with the exception of the C. The "c" is modeled as a black tube instead of in a blocky style like the rest of the letters. The inside of the C has a red underbelly, and the bottom of the C ends in a tail, resembling Cynder's from the Legend of Spyro Series. There are 3 white spikes at the top of the C. /end ID]

[ID 2: a 3d render of 4 dragons around a christmas tree. A black dragon at the front, Cynder, is using her tail to hang tinsel, a pruple dragon, Spyro, on the left is reaching up into the branches of the tree. A blue dragon, Ignitus, is hovering behind the tree, his paws outstretched, implying he is placing the glowing star at the top. On his head is a silver dragon, Zerali, balancing on his horns. behind them is a series of floating islands. /End ID]

[ID 3: A render of Cynder with a darker colour pallet than the previous image and glowing yellow eyes, snarling at the camera, guarding a black gem. The sky in the background is blood red and the terrain is flat and barren. /End ID]

[ID 4: A render of an incomplete model of Terrador, a green dragon with brown horns and rocky shoulder decorations. He has no underbelly or wings. /end ID]

[ID 5: A render of a fan character named ekkosel, a blue, anthropomorphic dragonfly with an unsettling, uncanny face and green wings, T-posing. Her green wings are a blur /End ID]

[ID 6: two sketches of a anthropomorphic cheetah heads. One has long ears like a lynx and is labeled DotD design, the other has small, rounded ears like a cheetah usually has, labled TLoC design. /end ID]

[ID 7: A render of Zerali, the silver dragon from the second image, and ekkosel, from the 5th, playing together. In this image, we can see Zerali has a pinky-purple underbelly and shiny gold horns.]

[ID 8: A rendered scene showing a close up of blue ignitus with his eyes closed. He appears to be talking to Cynder, who is in the background, but blurry. The game's logo is visible in the bottom left of the image. /end ID]

#nostalgia #old art #image descriptions #Spyro #The Legend of Spyro #tlos #cynder #spyro the dragon #spyro fanart #cynder fanart #queer artist #old projects #Blender #Blender Game Engine #I had no idea what I was doing but I had a blast! #tlos spyro #spyro oc #legend of spyro #old ocs

[seat-safety-switch]

Believe me, nobody was more jazzed about my interview with Consumer Reports than me. I grew up as a kid reading its dry, dry prose, dreaming about the day when I, too, would get to smash the living shit out of consumer appliances until they fell apart. Savagery would flow through my pen, dismantling multinational corporations for the capital crime of having made a dishwasher with buttons that scratch easily.

I had been "funemployed" for quite some time. In fact, I'd been without a job for so long that my parole officer told me I had to go get one, otherwise they would put me back in the hole. So, I decided to go out on a limb and write Consumer Reports about all the torture testing I'd been doing to my half-century-old menagerie of shitboxes. A few minutes after I sent the email, I got a breathless, panicked phone call from the head destructive testing engineer, who told me to get on a fucking plane and head out there pronto.

Plane? Plane? I made a solemn vow in my youth to never get in an automobile driven by anyone else. And even though it flies through the air using what I think is an elaborate series of lies, an airplane certainly qualifies. I cashed the plane ticket in for gas money, and then set out for a road trip in my most reliable 1978 Volare, its trunk packed full of spare fluids, tires, and parts, almost none of which I had to use.

There was just one problem. Their headquarters are located in a pretty weird spot of an industrial park. One of those big skyscrapers-on-skyscrapers places where nobody lives, and the food sucks, but there are thousands of parking spots. They all look the same, and I think I transposed a digit in the address when I was punching it into my GPS (a Garmin from 1997, whose speaker barely works and whose power supply consists of an absurd number of ganged-together solar panels that I broke out of desk calculators.) When I turned up, the building looked like any of the other ones in the complex, so I went on in.

The good news? I got the job. The bad news? The good folks at Kitchenaid were so terrified about how aggressively I dismantled their test blender that my job is "being paid to stay at least 100 feet away from any and all Kitchenaid employees, at all times." It pays pretty well, though, which is to their credit. I think it's because I made a good first impression. And second. And third. They really should have made those chopping-blade impellers out of a better plastic.

[thekendallkathryn]

introducing 2han

or SEVENTEEN Jeonghan as TPW Chaghan because my brain says so

or the questionably sane gay shaman prince meets equally unhinged kpop idol crossover you didn't know you needed

ALRIGHT LISTEN UP FOLKS JUST LET ME EXPLAIN. Backstory first because I realize this might be confusing to anyone living outside my brain. Basically I fell in love with TPW (and especially my boy Chaghan as you all know) before I got into Seventeen but I could never put a face to Chaghan, even though I was drawing him like literally every day, nothing felt entirely right. Other artists had lots of amazing Chaghan fanart too but nothing felt like exactly the mysterious, sharp, gorgeous, heavenly angel, perfectly androgynous vibe I envisioned for him. I literally spent hours on those face blender thingys or watching various dramas trying to find him but to no avail. Then everything changed when I got into Seventeen and the very first time I saw Jeonghan my brain just went THAT'S IT THAT'S HIM IT'S CHAGHAN THAT'S MY BOY THERE HE IS. And then you can imagine how I screamed when I saw debut pictures with the long blond hair I mean you guys. I FREAKING FOUND HIM AT LAST. And then it only got better because I really got into Seventeen and look, they are actually the same man. I mean, cheating at everything for fun, fighting with everyone when he's bored, causing general havoc wherever he goes and being a menace to society, and yet still thinking he's the most normal one in the friend group. YOU GUYS. Find the difference between these two pictures. HAH you can't! Anyway if JK is Princess Diana's reincarnation then Jeonghan is Chaghan's and thank you for coming to my ted talk, have a nice day.

#you're welcome #seventeen fanart #the poppy war fanart #I strongly recommend reading the keep reading bit if you want to understand what's going on here #I tried to explain it all in the tags and ran out of tags so there you go #chaghan suren #yoon jeonghan #chaghan #jeonghan #seventeen #the poppy war #tpw #I really hope at least one other person out there truly understands and appreciates this but what are the odds #my art #oil paint style #digital

[sanderssidesthehouse]

Logan is feeling a bit rejected and dejected, but he finds company in a similarly discouraged side. Rated T for Remus.

Patton was sweet. Virgil was sour. Janus was salty. Roman was umami. Remus was oleogustus. And Logan. Logan found that he was bitter. Bitter was most well known to animals as the taste of yuck don't eat that or you'll die. Animals are naturally inclined to prefer sweet and salt. Umami and oleogustus were a big part of many cultures, though they weren't for everyone. Many folks enjoy sour. But bitter. No one likes bitter. Only the rare fool with no inkling of self preservation. That's the way Logan saw it. Unfortunately, or fortunately, there was one such fool.

"Logie! Lolo! Where are you hiding?!" Remus burst into the common area. "I'm right here, Remus." Logan responded from the couch. "Ah! Look what I made!"

Logan looked up from the book he was reading. Remus had a small, round, likely amphibian creature in his hands which was being thrust very close to Logan’s face. Once he was able to focus on what was in front of him, he found it was actually kind of-

"Skreeeeeeeeee!!!" The creature let out an ear splitting screech. "It's rather loud." "That's what I was going for! Since you told me about how the vibrations work in bigger and smaller instruments I wanted to see how high pitched I could get a creature to be." Despite himself Logan smiled fondly with a slight blush. "I'm happy I could be of some service." "These get real big too. The adults have screams so low pitched you'll pee yourself." They heard footsteps come down the stairs. "What the hell was that?!" Virgil stopped to yell at them as soon as they were in view. "Joy was just saying hi to her new friend." "Ugh. What is that thing? Put it back where it came from, or better yet, put it through a blender. It would be less obnoxious that way." "Now, Virgil, that's not very nice. Why don't you go lay down and I'll get you some water," Patton implored, having come out of the kitchen when he heard yelling. "Yeah, ok." Virgil turned himself around and went back up to presumably his room. "He has a headache," Patton explained. "Maybe you two should go somewhere else." Logan, noticing the hurt Remus was desperately trying to cover, decided to speak up. "Why don't you take me to meet Joy's mom?" Remus lit up. "Ok!" He grabbed Logan's hand and all but dragged him to his side of the imagination. It had more monsters and dangerous creatures, but Logan still felt safer there than anywhere else. Remus's creations would never hurt him, unlike some of the other creatures around the mindscape. Maybe that was a bit harsh, though. They hadn't meant to after all, right? On their way Remus unsurprisingly got distracted. “Oh these are Joy's favorite here, try one.” “And I won’t die from this?” Logan took a fruit from Remus’s hand. “Joy didn’t.” “Right, well, ‘cheers to that’ I suppose… They’re… interesting.” Interesting being code for what did I just put in my mouth because it was not good. “I thought so- Oh! Do you feel that?” The ground and trees around them shook, just enough to be noticed. “Is that an earthquake?” “Nope! That’s Momma. Let’s go!” And go they did. Remus was correct in stating that the creatures got rather large, but he had neglected to mention that large meant a sphere as tall as a six story building. Joy did a happy roll and screeched. Remus snapped before Momma replied and placed earplugs in both of their ears. Their whole bodies and everything else around them trembled.

“Fascinating.” “What?!” “Nothing!” “What?!”

Logan just shook his head.

Remus set Joy down and they watched as she hopped closer to her mother. They seemed to greet each other with their cries. Remus tried to speak to Logan again, but that clearly wasn’t going to work, so he led Logan far enough away that while they could still hear his newest creations, they could also easily hear each other without getting a headache. Because if Logan got a headache, he would have to leave.

“So what do you think?!” “They are quite fascinating. Joy eats berries, but what does her mother eat?” “The giant wasps.” “The giant wasps?” Logan blinked. “Oh, yeah. Super venomous. They really needed a predator to keep their numbers down.” “Well one that grows to be that large is a good choice, I think. Due to its size and diet, it is likely to keep its own population in check through environmental stressors such as competing for food and how it spends its energy. I believe it would fill a niche similar to a whale in the ocean. The vibrations it creates are likely helpful for disabling prey, though I’m sure particularly determined giant wasps could get through to a still large but smaller specimen in a relationship similar to mongoose and cobras. Though I have to wonder what the young get out of eating berries. It doesn’t seem like it makes sense for the amount of energy they need to grow so big.” “Ah, I see what you mean. These berries aren’t normal berries!” Remus grinned at him in a way that made him think maybe he really shouldn’t have tried one. “They’re made of flesh!” “Huh.” Logan gagged a bit, eye twitching. “That’s very… interesting.” “You said.” “With as realistic as some of your creations are, I tend to forget that creativity need not be bound by the rules of Thomas’s world.” “Mm. I think the realistic stuff can be more fun, but meat berries are a classic for horror!”

A classic, huh? Logan was pretty sure that wasn’t exactly the case, but having things that normally weren’t made of flesh be made out of it did tend to be a somewhat common occurrence, usually to symbolize one thing or another, so maybe it was somewhat the case.

“But I think Thomas and the others might actually appreciate this one. Since it’s cute and all,” Remus admitted. “At the very least I appreciate it. Virgil probably would have thought it was funny if he didn’t have a headache.” “You don’t have to do that, Logan.” “Do what?” “Pretend like the others care about the things I make. I know they’d all prefer if I would just… disappear. Maybe not Janus, but I do tend to make things difficult for him.”

For Remus to actually be saying something, it must really be bothering him. While he did usually spout any and every thought that came into his head, he usually refused to show weakness. Not that wanting to be accepted or appreciated and feeling bad when you weren’t made you weak.

“Regardless of whether or not they want you to disappear, which I would argue they don’t, you can’t. You are essential to Thomas. We all are. Even if our contributions aren’t always appreciated.” “Our contributions?” “Ah, I misspoke. I meant your contributions, of course.” “Yeah, I’m not buying it. You can’t get out of your Freudian slip that easily.” “Freud was a hack.” “Gee, Logan, tell me how you really feel. But you should know by now I already know how you feel. They never pay attention to you, do they?” “Whether or not any of you do, is irrelevant. It is only important that Thomas heeds my advice.” “Any of us?” “Any of you.” “Logan, I am sorry about that.” “What?” “When I kept trying to shut you up. I was afraid that if you helped Thomas out of it too quickly, I wouldn’t make an impact. And I didn’t want to go back to being shoved away in a box like a kitten on the side of the road when it’s raining, doomed to death by starvation, illness, or a rogue Prius.” “Ah, um, ahem, well… Apology accepted. And for the record, I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen. It’s high time Thomas stop repressing parts of himself. It’s unhealthy.” “Of course… For Thomas…” The duke fell quiet and turned to face away from Logan. “That is how I felt then. Now that we’ve spent more time together…” Remus looked back, hopeful. “I have come to appreciate your company and enjoy the thought exercises you present me with. If I didn’t want you around I would hardly go out of my way to spend time with you.” “For the record, I enjoy spending time with you as well. And not because you’re the only one who will entertain my deranged ideas, though that helps. You make me want to be smart, too. And feel like I can. I could learn so much about real world accurate zombies or mutants or zombie mutants that tear your face clean off like a pet monkey, or I can learn how to create a creature that oozes acidic slime strong enough to melt bones!” “You could have done that before.” “But I didn’t think I could, and with creativity, that’s half the battle.” “Janus never encouraged you?” “Not like this. In his own way, sure, but not like this.” “I’m glad, then, that I could do this for you.” “You’re worth more than what you can do for others, you know.” “What? I don’t- I mean our literal functions are-” “What would you say to Virgil or Patton or Roman, hmm? That they are only as valuable as the services they can provide everyone else?” “Of course not, I… I see your point.” “You can if you want to.” “What?” “What?” … Probably an innuendo and he didn’t want to know. “Thank you for… comforting? Erm, correcting me.” “I can comfort you anytime, and if you wanted to comfort me, you could start by taking off your shirt.” “I’m not doing that.” “The tie can stay on! In fact-” “Not happening.” “Awww. Fine, but can you come help me with my ooze monster? I was serious about that.” “I’d be delighted to.”

#sanders sides #logan sanders #remus sanders #intrulogical #<- tagging as ship bc it can be read that way but it could also be read platonic #siding fic

[mxopifex]

So this is Tabea. I remade her in Baldur’s Gate 3 after having played her in a very long running campaign. She is built on spite.

See once upon a time, say 2008, I was dating a guy who asked if I wanted to play D&D with his buddies. I did very much want to do that. I had never played before but I had borrowed the player’s handbook from the library and red them once, but I could never convince folks to play with me.

Now this was the tail end of 3.5 and the book bloat by this point was obscene. So rather than have me flounder around a giant stack of books like a confused baby I was passed off to the guy who was kind of a rules lawyer, but who could be relied upon to make me a character without it taking all night. (A bit of politics I only understood in hindsight)

He asked me what kind of character I wanted to play.

I said an elven ranger with a bow because early 20’s me was skinny and blonde and wanted to be seen as graceful. Plus I knew they had animal companions and that seemed neat.

“Anything a ranger can do, a fighter can do better.” Direct quote.

So my first DnD character was a fighter. I did not enjoy playing her, she was boring. Not an animal companion in sight. But luckily it didn’t sour me on the game.

Skip ahead ten ish years. I’m still friends with most of the people I played with that day, even the guy I am no longer dating. Mr. Fighters offers to GM a 5e game. He wants us to use rolled stats in order with a randomly generated race though. To keep us from just bringing out character types we’ve played before.

I get high a Dex and Wis human. The opportunity to do something very petty arises. See the reason Mr. Fighter liked fighter’s better is he tends to favor highly optimized DPS builds. So I build a ranger with two weapon fighting. I gave her colossus slayer. By the end of the campaign she had two attacks per turn, plus her off hand weapon, (she had a pair of magic scimitars) add in hunter’s mark and colossus slayer and she was regularly pulling in 40+ hp of damage a round. No sneak attack conditions. Only one spell slot expended. Just had to get in melee range, which the GM went to increasingly large and convoluted battle maps to slow her progress. I out fightered Mr. Fighter.

He called her the blender. She is my silly petty vengeance. She’s also a butch cause mid 30s Sharon has different taste now that I’ve embraced fully being queer. Still no animal companion cause 5e rules for that are kind of a bummer, but nothings perfect.

Anyway I sent the above picture of her covered in blood to him with the note “The Blender in her natural habitat.” He laughed. DnD is good.

#dnd character #dungeons and dragons #baldur's gate 3 #my OCs #Tabea holt

[danpuff-ao3]

Fiction Works 2/2: Storytelling, not Teaching or Preaching

See also: Fiction Works 1: Different Strokes for Different Folks

In part 1 I talked about exploring real experiences and potential in fiction. Here in part 2 we are going to remember that, while fiction can be a useful tool for exploration, it is not, in fact, real.

Writing gay Harry Potter fanfic does not make me a gay man (I am actually an asexual lady), nor does it make me a wizard (though c'mon, I wish!) By that same token, writing underage does not make me a pedophile.

Thomas Harris is not guilty of cannibalism, even though he wrote about a cannibal named Hannibal. Vladimir Nabokov is not a pedophile because he wrote Lolita. Bram Stoker is not a vampire because he wrote Dracula. We aren't arresting authors by the truckload for the spilling of fictional blood.

What we need to remember is this:

Fiction (noun) 1.literature in the form of prose that describes imaginary events and people. 2. something that is invented or untrue.

To sum it up: fiction is not reality.

I'm a Storyteller. Not a Teacher, or a Preacher. You shouldn't trust my use of em-dashes, let alone take an infidelity story as a how-to guide.

Stories can be a tool for so many things. Maybe it's catharsis. Maybe it's distraction. Maybe it's curiosity, philosophy, entertainment, exploration. Fiction is a safe avenue to learn, and think, and feel.

Creators are inspired by the world around them, and their own experiences. They're inspired by rainbows, and sunsets, and wildflowers. They're inspired by wildfires, hurricanes, and tornadoes. They're inspired by mythology, religion, folklore, and history. All that is beautiful and ugly and wonderful and terrible in the world.

Creators are shaped by their own lives. And, as stated in Part 1, we are all different. We come from different places, and are raised different ways, and we turn into different people. We have our own histories, our own stories, our own thoughts and opinions and preferences and feelings.

Throw it all in a blender, and maybe the tulip becomes a rose. Maybe the wildfire becomes an earthquake. Maybe the sunset is an inferno, and the night sky is the abyss. Maybe the those old ruins are the path to Heaven.

The reality of the materials used and the methods used aren't always evident in the final work. Our stories come from somewhere, sure, but it's never as cut and dry as people think.

Can stories hurt you? Sure. The way anything can hurt you. The world isn't a safe space, after all.

It's valid if a story hurts you. If you're triggered by it, or upset by it, or don't like it. Not all negative reactions are triggers, but they don't have to be. You're allowed your own feelings. But the existence of a work that upsets you is not a crime against you. A story that depicts evil deeds is not, itself, evil.

In real life, I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. I have very strong feelings about it.

Do you know what I love to read and write? You guessed it! Cheating! It goes hand in hand with my other great love: toxic/dysfunctional relationships!

In real life, I'd never have a relationship with a person who cheated ever, even in the past. I'd not stay with someone who cheated on me. I have a very stable, happy, boring relationship. I have a good life now, because I built it from the wreckage of a chaotic upbringing.

My father cheated on my mother and left her for his mistress. He dragged his children through the middle of his dysfunctional relationship, which lasted a decade. We suffered the consequences of his choices. It's a pretty long and fucked up story, and I won't get that personal here, but the point is:

I never, ever want to experience any of that in my real world again. However, exploring those events in a fictional scenario is safe for me. There's an odd comfort in the familiarity of it. Seeing that one awful thing through different lenses, and playing out so many ways, helps me process what I went through. It soothes me now as it soothed me then, right in the thick of it, being able to explore it all in a way that was safe and that I could control. I could get off the ride at any point. I could close the word document, or close the tab. I could close the book, or turn off the TV.

My Real Father in the Real World hurt Real People with his Real Actions. That was my Real Life, and it Really Sucked.

Fictional People in a Fictional World who hurt Fictional People with their Fictional Actions...that is a story.

Real People in the Real World who hurt Real People and blame Fictional Stories...those Real People are to blame for Real Harm.

The Real Person who blames a movie for the Real Crime they committed...that Real Person is to blame. 100%.

And the Real Person who attacks Real People in defense of Fictional People...Real People who hurt Real People and use Fictional Stories as an excuse...those Real People are the villains.

#danpuff stuff #on my proship nonsense of course #follow up to yesterday's post #idk how related they are to other people #but they were all jumbled in my head together and had to come out #so here we are #please stop being rude to actual humans #fake events are not a good excuse to be an actual dick

[thisaintascenereviews]

Alexisonfire - Otherness Canadian rock and post-hardcore act Alexisonfire (pronounced “Alexis-on-fire,” may I add) is one of those bands from back in the early to mid-00s that I just never listened to. I listened to all types of metalcore, post-hardcore, emo, and pop-punk, but I never listened to these guys. I’m not even sure why, they just never interested me, I guess. I’ve had all of this time to go back and check out their music, but I just never did. Maybe I felt as though I didn’t have to rush because by the early 2010s, they were on hiatus, and it never seemed as though they’d get back together. Their last LP was released in 2009, and it was right at the crux of when I was into that type of music as a kid. I say that, because I’m still into that kind of music, but I fell out of favor with a lot of that stuff when I hit my early 20s, because of how boring it all got. Anyhow, Alexisonfire is back, and they dropped their newest LP, Otherness, back in June of this year. At first, I didn’t really care about it, because I never listened to them, but after listening to this LP, along with their discography, I can safely say that I’ve been missing out on a lot of great stuff. The only thing I knew about this band is that they featured vocalist and multi-instrumentalist Dallas Green, whom is also known for his work with his other band, City & Colour, but that’s it. I had no idea what to expect going into their work, especially this album. Their earlier work is relatively straightforward post-hardcore, but as their career went on, they would creep in more unorthodox influences, such as soul, progressive-rock, and indie music. 2009′s Old Crows / Young Cardinals is considered a great album, but a lot of fans are split on it, because of how different it sounds compared to their first three albums. With that said, I was really curious about Otherness, especially with it being thirteen years later. These guys are a little older now, and they’re a little more seasoned, having more experience under their belts. I mean, guitarist / vocalist Wade MacNeil went onto be the lead vocalist of Gallows, as well as his own band, Black Lungs. It’s cool that they all got back together, and they released a new record, so how is it? Honestly, folks, I think Otherness is my favorite Alexisonfire album, and there’s one reason why -- a lot of Dallas Green. That’s a weird thing to say, but this album features a lot of vocalist Dallas Green, and if you’ve heard his voice, you would understand why it’s always a joy to hear more of it. He’s one of the best singers in the alternative scene, as well as the folk scene, with City & Colour, but I love his vocals throughout Alexisonfire’s work. It’s a little rough around the edges on their first couple of albums, but with Old Crows, you really hear him shine. If there was one thing I was really wanting, it was some of his sweet and syrupy clean vocals with a fantastic range and control. Sure enough, this thing is chock full of catchy melodies and awesome vocal lines that I can’t get enough of. The song “Sans Soleil” is one of my favorite songs of the year. It’s this slow-burning post-hardcore meets soul cut that sounds so good, especially with his vocals. The song “Dark Night Of The Soul” is another good cut that even features a gospel choir, of all things. A lot of the album does feature vocalist George Petite, along with MacNeil providing some backups here and there. Green does a majority of the clean singing, but I think Petite does some, too, especially on later albums. I also really love the album’s sound, as they mix together a myriad of sounds, such as psych-rock, soul, post-hardcore, and indie-rock. The last track, which is the eight-minute epic, “World Stops Turning,” where the band pretty much take everything on the album and put it into a blender. This track is a behemoth of a song, and it’s one of my favorite songs on the record. Green’s vocal performance in particular is worth praising here, as it’s one of the best performances on the whole record, but the whole song is a summary, if you will, of what the album was offering. It takes a bit of each sound and each style that the band was opting for, and it puts them all together into a single song, which sounds amazing. This record weaves in and out of certain sounds, mostly in the same song, but if there are people that think they lost their “hardcore cred” on this record, don’t worry too much, because there are a good amount of screams and heavier guitarwork. Sure, this band wasn’t a metalcore band, so the guitarwork was never that heavy in the first place, but there are a fair share of heavier moments here. It’s all balanced out by catchy hooks and quieter moments, but the album itself is fantastic. If I had one problem with it, and I use that term very loosely, would just be that the album does run a little long at 50 minutes, but it doesn’t quite feel like it a lot of the time. I’ll hit the last track and I’ll realize that it’s almost done. I just really love this album, and if you’re into post-hardcore, especially bands with a more interesting and unique sound that don’t play by the rules, definitely check this album out. Yeah, sure, the album art is really ugly and I don’t like it at all, but I can forgive that when the album is genuinely great and one of the best albums of the year.

#alexisonfire #otherness #old crows young cardinals #crisis #watch out! #post-hardcore #canada #wade macneil #dallas green #city and colour #indie #soul #rock #alternative

[fluffy-critter]

#crosspost #busybee

[daviddshiki]

The Adventures of David Dashiki-Story of an African American Hero...Year of the Black Man 2024

We are not fighting America; we are fighting hypocrisy and lies and that we are going to fight to the bitter end. Now understand me well Macus Garey has entered the fight for the emancipation of a race; Marcus Garvey has entered the fight for the redemption of a country. From the graves of millions of my forebearers at this hour. I hear the cry and I am going to answer it even though hell is cut loose before Marcus Garvey. From the silent graves of millions who went down to make me what I am and I shall make for their memory, this fight that shall leave a glaring page in the history on man. - Marcus Garvey

Why We Must Fight... If we do not , we evaporate. Garvey made it very clear. We are not waging war with America. We fight hypocrisy, lies, iniquity in high places. We fight because we are the main victims of these evil doings. We fight to make sure and certain that America gets it right. The primary attacks are against the organizations of self-destruction. In short, we fight to recapture the minds of our youth which have been torn, twisted, terrified and transformed into controlled/programmed masses of gray matter, that we who are their teachers, parents and pastors do not know or can we predict their direction/ future.

We fight for we are too accepting, too weak, too inconsistent, too fearful, too individualistic, too afraid. When attacks are launched against us and we do nothing we are saying that what has happened to anyone of us is correct and tolerable. For whom ? Our ancestors died not for us to advance an inch on the equality meter, but decades. In fact, we should progress centuries. Every time one of us is injured, hurt, abused or criminalized and we do not get enraged to respond appropriately, the forebearers weep. Every time our children are registered into classes which are designed to purposely limit their life, liberty and pursuit of happiness and we look the other way as if nothing is wrong, the scream and cry lift from the grave. As often as we are segregated from, discriminated against and violated by and quietly acquiesce, the grandparents tear at the tombs which bury them to fight again in our behalf.

There is talk among other ethnic groups that whatever insult or injury are inflicted upon us, all that the offender has to do is wait long and Black folks will do nothing or little to right that wrong. There it is in a cupcake. We are victims because the perpetrator is unafraid. The offender knows that there will be no consequences for his action. Why are other groups not attacked, violated as much as we? It is that they have power, organization and finances which are used to castigate malefactors. When some dumb ass attempts an evil action against one of the power brokers, he is thrown into a blender of such twists, turns and nightmares that he doesn't know whether or not to piss, sh*t or go blind. These groups , power brokers, don't even lift a finger in response,. They have people to do that. The perpetrator is so disgraced and decimated that only a fool would attempt to incite those of that power group again. That is what we need, My Brothers!!!. We need that same power so that we are safe and our children are free to enjoy their pursuit of happiness. We ain't no punks. We have to be smarter. We have to make it uncomfortable for criminals in sheep's clothing to even think about abusing or oppressing us.

I feel the unrest in the room, your room, My Brothers ! If you believe that what is happening to us hourly in America is by accident, let me vacuum that thought from your dusty brain. What is occurring in every venue we enter are attempts to thwart our progress, These are deliberate and purposeful efforts to hinder and impede out triumphs and maintain our secondary citizen status. The government of the United States of America cannot guarantee its Black citizens a free and equal educational opportunity. That sounds ludicrous to me. The problem is that there are people in power who do not care whether or not our Black citizens receive the creativity, innovation, experimentation, advanced, enriched and progressive education that white children obtain on a daily basis. There is the fear that Black children will replicate in the sciences, mathematics, entrepreneurship, medicine and technology the massive accomplishments they have achieved in the arts and sports .There is the secondary fear that these former slaves or descendants of slaves will debunk the myth of poor intellectual aptitude within these students.

We fight because we care. This is our America too. Of greater import, My Brothers, is the fact that these are our children...We reject the images of our children as incapable and undisciplined. They are never gangsters or bums. or illiterates. These are just the strategies that others employ to affirm what they consider validation for the generational genocide of our young people. How can you teach them if you think this way about them all the time? We love our children and we want them back. This is our call to correction. Join, Lead or Retreat from the path. Black Men 2024-, to your feet. Hear the music of freedom played out in everywhere and especially in the hearts and minds of mighty men. There are no punks among us. Our people fought when they had no weapons. The only thing that we must fear is the generations come and go and we are in the same place... inequality and bliss. This will never again...Our children are too precious...AMEN!!!

[skeletalheartattack]

Yes, it worked, but the situation was not calm. Appearently there was something coming in the distance and people were constantly worried about it and also there was this heavy atmosphere all around. After some time,a nearby building opened up its gate and crowds flooded in black friday style. I managed to sneak in from a door that noone was using and the building? Store? Was filled with a lot of people grouped between isles. I decided yo try to check for Boe there and lo and behold, there it was! In the gardening (?) Isle. I tried to wave at him but when he noticed he got bit in the leg by something, fell down on its back only to pull out the haziest looking gun ive ever seen and shoot the something that bit him, who crumpled down like a ragdoll and dragged away by the crowd like a kicked can.

Boe then grabbed a blender, tucked it in its jacket and got out of the building walking in a unflinching straight line to the red horizon.

holy fucking SHIT!!! i'm in love with these fucking dreams that manage to summon Boe.

i fucking love the thought of Boe being in the gardening aisle during a global disaster event, probably looking for a scythe or something, getting bit on his leg by a creature and dropping to the floor, shooting at it, then only to get up and be like ''oh fuck i NEED this blender'' and fucking booking it out of there.

also the thought of him walking into the red sunset after going through everything that just happened to him is so fucking raw. like a cowboy into the sunset. with a gun in his holster, and a blender by his side. see you hell cowboy...

#ask #anon #why is Boe always in the most chaotic dreams #maybe this is what Hell is like. #im in love with some of yall going out of your way to find him #like you went into a Gmod server to look for him #ANON IM GLAD HE DIDNT PULL THE GUN ON YOU!!!! #im happy my skeleton isnt being problematic to people in their dreams :) #like youre just catching him in his daily life. this is normal for him #i dont think hed be mad at you for distracting him! he understood and said its okay to steal from corporations #i hope he makes something good with that blender #this is still so fucking fascinating to me #like i havent heard about anything like this before with someones OC #well. maybe aside from video game characters. like people having dreams of spamton #but its so wild for my Boe to just! be looming in folks dreams #like something about it just feels so fucking ''real''. idk how to explain it #just like ''oh want me to see Boe? sure brb lemme nap'' #then they wake up like ''oh yeah he says hes doing fine. he gave me like five plates of beans though. dunno what that was about'' #like it feels like the barrier between fiction and reality is being broken. that my funky guy exists out there in the other world #fosters home for imaginary friends type vibes #THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE UPDATE ANON #everytime someone dreams of Boe. theyre more or less what i imagine Boe would do #just like he gets up panting and wheezing from his attack. then just idly grabbing the blender and leaving #video game character ass skeleton

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

please please a part 2 of that gamer!geralt au, them doing something like Q&A

Nonie, I hope you know what you signed up for. This got out of hand lmao. like 2.4k of Q&A kind of out of hand. 

Warnings: swearing, talk of drinking to excess, kinda spicy questions, lil kisses, idk how but I meant for this to be goofy and horny and it got kinda soft? what’s new?

____________

“Holy shit,” Geralt sat staring at his phone as he mindlessly stirred pasta.

“I swear to god, if you found a way to burn noodles-” Jaskier turned away from the blender to wave a wooden spoon covered in pesto puree.

Geralt shook his head and held his phone up to him, scrolling through the replies to a tweet as he did, going on for ages as Jaskier’s jaw slowly got closer to the floor.

“What are those for?!”

“I put up a poll for a boyfriend Q&A or a game review and not a single person has voted for the game review.” Geralt was still scrolling through questions people wanted answered as he watched Jaskier’s face go from shock to confusion to a smug grin. 

“They love me,” he sang, kicking his heel up as he turned back to the pasta sauce.

Geralt rolled his eyes and started screenshotting some of the less invasive questions, shaking his head and muttering, “Course they do.”

-

Geralt pressed record, waited a moment, and heaved a dramatic, long-suffering sigh, “You guys literally didn’t even give me a choice on this one,” he reached off frame and scruffed Jaskier, plopping him down on the couch with him. 

Jaskier didn’t stay where he was put for even a moment, using his momentum to bounce up onto Geralt’s lap with a shit-eating grin, “Oh? Are we rolling?”

Geralt dropped his forehead to Jaskier’s shoulder, stifling a laugh, “This is gonna be a long one.”

“Yeah, it is,” Jask agreed, then turned to the camera, stroking Geralt’s hair, “My fans want more!”

“OH-kay,” Geralt manhandled Jaskier to sit next to him which earned him a pout and a leg draped over his lap as he continued his intro, “I’ve got a bunch of questions from twitter. I didn’t even have to confirm which video we would do, you guys just went straight for the kill. I picked a few, Jask picked a few, neither of us knows which ones the other picked.” he turned to see Jaskier wiggle his eyebrows at the camera, “Why am I thinking you picked the raunchy ones?”

The brunet pretended to be offended before he smirked, “Only a few.”

Geralt rolled his eyes. “Of course,” he nudged Jask with his shoulder and opened up his phone to his screenshots, “Okay! First up is AdamSandlersBitch, nice name. They asked what Jaskier’s favorite gaming console and game to play is.” he turned to Jaksier with raised eyebrows.

His boyfriend cringed, “My.. my phone? I don’t know? I play a lot of Candy Crush while I listen to podcasts?”

Geralt smiled sweetly, “Wait what about Stardew Valley? I thought you started that?”

“I did!” Jaskier brightened up for a moment before he deflated again, “But I got confused and then the ADHD made me bake cookies.”

“Those were good cookies. I’ll play with you if you want?” Geralt’s normal ‘streamer dude’ persona melted away while he played with the rips on Jaskier’s jeans. 

Jask leaned forward and kissed his temple, “I’d love that.” 

Geralt blushed, even after years, Jaskier’s affection still caught him off guard. 

“Mkay! My turn!” Jaskier flashed his devilish grin and read, in his most obnoxious voice, “Dwn2Clwn said ‘do you two live together? Have you said ‘i love you’? And who tops?’”

Geralt’s mouth twisted into an upside-down U as he stared at Jaskier in muted surprise, “Honestly, not as bad as I expected.”

Jaskier looped his arm around Geralt’s, “I’m starting off easy.”

Geralt let his mock-disapproving gaze linger just a bit before he answered, “The living together is kind of new-like a few months. This one said ‘I love you’ on, what? The fourth date? Fifth?”

“Fourth.”

“No, it was the fifth, Eskel locked himself out on the fourth. Remember?”

“Shit you’re right,” Jaskier gave the camera a stern look, “In my defense, we’d been friends for a good four years before this. I wasn’t just confessing my love to a tinder date - though I have done that before.”

Geralt nodded, “That was very amusing.”

Jaskier tapped his nose, “Don’t avoid the last part, darling.”

Geralt huffed and stared down the camera, and, in the most matter of fact tone possible, said, “We switch. Compromise, folks. Can’t have one person doing all the work all the time.”

Jaskier nodded sagely, patting Geralt's chest, “We got a pow-”

Geralt clamped his hand over Jaskier’s mouth, 100% sure he was going to say ‘power bottom pillow princess’, “Nope. I’ll get demonetized for that.”

“But not who tops?” Jaskier asked through Geralt’s fingers.

He just shrugged, “I don’t make the rules.”

Jaskier tapped his phone and raised his eyebrows, telling him to move to the next question. 

“Mis- Mischanication? Shit I hope I said that right, Mischanication asked, ‘would you ever get a pet together?’ We did! Her name is Roach and she’s a little shit! I told Jaskier not to feed her, but he did, now we have the snuggliest, crankiest cat I’ve ever met!” 

Jaskier had gotten up to pluck Roach from her perch on the windowsill when Geralt had read the question and plopped down with her as Geralt finished his proud speech, “She’s not a little shit! She’s just delicate! Isn’t that right, darling?”

Geralt scratched under her chin and cooed, “You are a nasty little dragon baby, aren't you?! Just a little garbage child! Yes, you are. We love the tiny demon beast.”

“Geralt!”

He snickered and kissed Jaskier’s hair, “Next question, love.”

Jaskier grumbled something about positive reinforcement as Roach scampered back to her cat tree and he unlocked his phone for his next tweet, “This darling wants to remain anonymous,” Geralt gave him some serious side-eye at that, “they said ‘I think I’m in love with the flower twink, where can I find one of my own?’”

Geralt frowned at the camera and pulled Jaskier onto his lap, holding him close and snuggling into his chest, almost growling, “Hands off.”

Jaskier giggled, brushing Geralt’s hair out of his face as he talked to the camera, “You heard the man. Unfortunately, I was not mass-produced and I’ve been spoken for.”

Geralt looked up at him with what could only be called suspicious puppy eyes, “You picked that one just to sit in my lap didn’t you?”

“Yes. And because I want to change my socials to ‘flower twink’.” 

“Do it,” Geralt kept Jaskier on his lap as he swiped to his next question, “Eggsfuckingsuck - heh, my dad hates eggs- Eggsfuckingsuck says, ‘what is the most embarrassing thing you’ve caught each other doing/saying?’ Oh boy, do I have a story for you!”

"Oh I couldn't say the thing but you can tell this story!?" 

"...you have a point... Check my insta stories. I'll put it there after I post this." 

Jaskier nodded, ever so pleased, and turned to the camera, "Our dear Yennefer of sorceryglammour once beat Geralt at trivia night when the theme was 'video games'." 

“We did shots before we went to the bar and she goaded me and Lambert into a chugging competition before the round started. I’m telling you, she planned this. Yen is ruthless.” Geralt desperately tried to justify his defeat but Jaskier was having none of it. 

“She’s mostly harmless, plus I have video evidence from that night. You weren’t that far gone.”

“Pull it up! Let’s settle it.”

Jaskier patted Geralt’s head like one would a toddler, “I’d have to get my old laptop out. Later, darling.”

Geralt had a smug look on his face, “That means he doesn’t have it anymore.”

“Next question!” Jaskier squeaked, not at all changing the subject. 

Geralt shrugged, “If you admit I won that one.”

“It’s not a competition!” Jaskier laughed, looking down at him with that stupidly smitten look on his face.

“Hmmm…” Geralt tilted his chin up defiantly, “if you say so.”

Jaskier kissed him, lingering a little bit more than could be considered chaste, “I do.” 

Geralt looked up at him, batting his eyelashes, “Fine then, next question.”

Jaskier handed him his phone and he read it off leaning his head on Jaskier’s shoulder, “CountryBumpkin42 asked if we play any instruments. I play the recorder very poorly, but Jask plays everything.”

“Not everything, but yes, I could cover a Trans Siberian Orchestra song if I had a pedalboard with enough loop settings.” Jaskier preened. 

“And more,” Geralt added, counting on his fingers as he spoke, “In this house alone he has two pianos, three different types of guitars, a drumset, a violin and fiddle, a flute and piccilo, an oboe, a mandolin, a lute, bongos, saxophone, clarinet, tambourine, trumpet, and xylophone. Did I get them all?”

Jaskier glanced from side to side with a guilty look, “Ah… no, I bought a bass sax that showed up last night.”

“Oh, did Thursday at 3 decide they wanted to switch after all?”

“Yeah! She got the third chair as a freshman on a loaner instrument! I’m very proud!”

Geralt seemed to remember they were recording and turned back to the camera, “J teaches music at the university and does private lessons.” 

“It’s how I can afford such a pretty trophy boyfriend,” Jaskier teased, ruffling Geralt’s hair and earning a little chuckle.

“Mkay, what do you have next?”

Jaskier smoothed Gearalt’s hair back down as he read the next question, “3R4108F6!J asks if we have any cute nicknames for each other.”

Geralt’s eyebrows nearly flew past his hairline, “J has a new one for me almost every day.”

“Its true,” Jaskier nodded, “I am a slut for cute nicknames. This morning was Ger Bear, one of my faves. I called him Thumbs for a bit, I lovingly call him Dumb Fuck rather often.”

“And he is Dip Shit, it’s balanced. I usually just shorten names? Jask or J is usually it, right?” Geralt asked, shifting so Jaskier was sitting on the couch between his legs and they were both turned out toward the camera but very much still cuddling. 

“And when I’m being childish I get Alfie. But Geralt is much more deliberate and specific with his nicknames. It’s a bit of a friendship level up when he uses nicknames.”

Geralt frowned at him, “I do that?”

Jaskier giggled, “You never noticed?”

He tilted his head, giving Jaskier a quizzical look, “Not at all.”

Jaskier cupped Geralt’s cheek, “You’re so cute.”

Geralt blushed again, leaning into the touch just a tad, “Who’s turn is it?”

“Yours,” Jaskier hummed, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. 

“Okay,” Geralt blushed even more, “I had this one as an alternate, but uh, Yen asked what we’d name our first kid?” 

Jaskier leaned into Geralt’s shoulder and hummed as he thought for a moment, “I always like Blake or Spencer, but I seem to remember you saying something about old world traditional names?”

Geralt nodded, absentmindedly running his fingers up and down Jaskier’s arm, “My grandma was hoping each of us boys would be a girl and wanted mum to name us Cirilla every time. I quite like it, but I’m rather open as long as I don’t know someone with the name. I really like Eric?” 

“Oo, I like Eric.”

“But you like the neutral names.”

“I do, but it’s your hypothetical kiddo too.”

Geralt gave him a little squeeze, “There’s time for that later. What’s your next one?”

Jaskier snorted when he looked at his phone, “What are your guys’ love languages?”

Geralt just looked down at Jask, completely entangled in his arms, then up to the camera, “I’m gonna hazard a guess at physical touch.” 

“Yeah, I think that’s a safe bet,” Jaskier giggled, “I haven’t taken the quiz in years, but I was that and gifts.”

“Oh, yeah. Physical touch and words of affirmation. I got like a 0 on acts of service and gifts, but I really like giving gifts.” 

“Mhm, yes you do,” Jaksier wiggled his eyebrows, then turned to the camera, “I also had no idea you could have different giving and receiving languages till I met this one.”

Geralt nodded then turned to him with a slight frown, “you know I really thought your questions were going to be more graphic.”

“Oh, honey I saved the best for last,” Jaskier winked. 

“Fuck me,” Geralt grumbled before reading off his last question, “Cali852 asked what we did for Pride.”

Jaskier’s eyes lit up, “Oh Pride was fun. We watched the parade, of course, then Yen did our makeup and… and where did we go after that?”

Geralt looked like he’d been waiting for this, “We went to a club, where you ordered three kamakazis, knocked them all back, danced for twenty minutes, then I took you home.”

“N-no… we went to the beach, didn’t we?”

“That was the year before. We were going to go to the drag show at our regular bar too, but someone had just finished grading finals and went a little too hard.” 

Jaskier grinned, “Speaking of finals, time for the last question. I had a different one in mind but if the thing I cant say from earlier would get this demonetized then that defintitelyi would. So we’re going with ‘what is the wackest placy y’all banged?’”

Geralt snorted, “Shit who knows anymore?”

“Well there was the boat?”

“Or the train?”

“Nah, too standard. What about the cabin?”

“Heh, no I think your o-”

“I don’t have tenure darling,” It was Jaskier’s turn to slap his hands over Geralt’s mouth, “The answer is a dilapidated structure my parents still try to call a cabin out in the foothills.”

Geralt laughed and pulled his hand away, “Okay, that can be the answer.”

“Is that it? Now we just say bye?” Jaskier looked between Geralt and the camera.

Geralt shrugged, “Yeah. You wanna say the thing?”

Jaskier wiggled with a little pride and excitement, “Don’t forget to like and subscribe! Bye Fuckers!”

They both waved for a couple seconds before Geralt got up and turned the camera off. He popped out the memory card and was going to immediately start loading it onto his computer but Jask hooked his finger through a belt loop as he walked past and tugged him back down. 

“I’m tired. Snuggle with me.” 

Geralt hummed, “We just snuggled that whole time.”

Jaskier heaved a dramatic sigh, “I know and this is exhausting. I don’t know how you talk to a camera all day.”

Geralt stretched to set the chip on top of his laptop before collapsing back on top of Jaskier who had stretched the length of the couch, “Are you making fun of me?” he teased. 

Jaskier cupped his face between his hands and pulled him up for a deep kiss, “Oh never.” 

#geraskier #gamer geralt #streamer geralt #teacher jaskeir #noob jaskeir #geraskier boyfriends #geraskier fluff #soft geraskier #the witcher #the witcher fic #geraskier fic #geraskier modern au #the witcher modern au #look this is so self indulgent i hope yall still like it #lmao

[lostcoves]

ft. asahi azumane x gn!reader

genre: fluff

wc & warnings: 1.2k | none

premise: in an attempt to kill pandemic boredom, you and your boyfriend attempt to find a new hobby together.

note: this is my piece for love and lockdown, a sinful sluts server collab! wanna thank @kkodzvken​ and @petalsrdead​ for being my beta readers!

“(y/n), be careful,” asahi commented to you when you hopped on his back to attempt the double plank yoga pose.

“don’t worry! i got this!” you exclaimed, positioning your feet by asahi’s neck. you gripped your hands on his legs and asahi pushed himself upward, the two of you achieving the double plank yoga pose.

“fuck yeah! we’re doing it!” you cheered.

asahi joined in on your cheers, “yeah! we are–” but the celebrations were cut short when asahi lost his balance, causing the two of you to go crashing down. limbs tangled up, you let out a huff of annoyance and grumbled to your boyfriend, “check yoga off the failed hobbies list.”

“sure thing,” he sighed, disappointed. 

spending time with your boyfriend was a good time. you loved your sweet asahi! but throw in a national lockdown due to a pandemic? then time with your boyfriend can turn unbearable very quickly. 

you remembered getting the notification on your phone that lockdown was in effect because of the coronavirus, a deadly virus that ravaged many nations. you and asahi, having lived together for a few months, were eating takeout from your favorite thai place when your phones buzzed with the message. 

“well, we gotta do something to pass the time in lockdown!” you proposed a list of hobbies the two of you could try while in lockdown. asahi was so happy to spend more time with you, the fashion company he worked for gave him time off because of the pandemic and at home assignments that could be completed whenever so he could dedicate more time to you. 

yet, neither of you realized how hard trying new hobbies out was.

hobby number one: mask making

asahi whipped out his two sewing machines and multi-colored cloth while you printed out the instructions on how to create a homemade mask. 

“so we just sew this end and that end?” you read off the guide, unsure of to sew a mask. asahi, ever the fashion designer, got it right off the back and got to work sewing. you, on the other hand, struggled to find the correct ends to sew and ended up creating an abomination of a mask. 

 “ta da!” asahi held up his completed mask, a beautiful masterpiece that could bring a grown man to tears. meanwhile, you held up your backwards, mismatched mask and chuckled nervously, “i don’t think i’m cut out for mask making, azu..”

“should we try a new hobby?”

“yes please.”

hobby number two: baking - more importantly, baking banana bread 

with an american chef/youtuber on in the background for motivation, you and asahi suited up to tackle the kitchen. dressed in matching aprons (created by asahi himself), the two of you approached the kitchen with gusto and confidence. 

“banana bread, huh?” asahi looked over the recipe you got off the internet. 

“it’s all the rage!” you announced, proud to be ahead of the trends. 

“this looks easy enough to make. wanna give it a try?” asahi proposed.

excited, you responded with a nod and you both got straight to work with dealing out the ingredients and prepping the oven for the banana bread. baking with your boyfriend was so romantic! you couldn’t wait to see the end product of your baking.

not even ten minutes later, you and asahi were standing in your kitchen, as the firefighters put off the enormous fire your banana bread caused. with your hair singed and asahi coughing up smoke, you deemed this hobby to be a complete and utter fail.

“new hobby?”

“new hobby.”

hobby number three - video games

“look what i got!” you showed off your new gaming console to asahi. his lips formed a small ‘o’ at the sight of the shiny console and he asked, “you got the new nintendo switch?!”

“yup! my parents sent this over to help us kill the boredom,” you whipped out a game case with the words ‘mario kart 8 deluxe’ on the cover, “and they sent a few games for us to play.”

“your folks are the best,” asahi laughed. 

“wanna play a round of mario kart?” you offered to your boyfriend.

“sure why not! it will be fun!”

it was, in fact, not fun.

asahi was a bit of a sore loser when it came to video games. after lost eleven– yes, eleven– races in a row, asahi was on the verge of breaking the console when you interjected.

“let’s do a new hobby, babe!”

“okay..”

hobby number four - making whipped coffee

“okay, i think we can do whipped coffee!” you clapped your hands together, staring at the spread of ingredients before you. asahi eyed the materials warily and asked, “are you sure that we’re not gonna burn the kitchen down.. again?”

“we won’t using an oven!” you countered.

“well.. alrighty then!” asahi smiled, grabbing the ingredients.

not even five minutes passed before the two of you were dealing with another banana bread incident, as the fire department put out the flaming blender. you sighed in frustration, covering your face in your hands at the sight. 

“new hobby?” asahi frowned.

“ugh.. yeah, new hobby,” you sighed.

hobby number five - painting

asahi went out and brought home some painting supplies. the two of you would paint one another, a cutesy couple activity. surely, you guys couldn’t mess up painting, right! right? right. 

“uh.. azu?” you paused from painting your boyfriend.

“yes, honey?” he asked, stopping his process as well.

“i think i’m allergic to the paint,” you held up your forearm where you had gotten some paint on. ugly red blisters broke out on your skin, traveling up your arm. asahi could only stare in surprise at the sight, unsure what to do.

“azumane, take me to the hospital. i’m about to go into anaphylactic shock.”

"yes, honey!”

to the present

you and asahi just failed couples’ yoga, your sixth attempt at gaining a pandemic hobby. annoyed and upset, you leaned your head against asahi’s shoulder, as he took some deep breaths. 

“so,” asahi peered over at you, “from attempting to find a new hobby, you made a monstrosity out of a mask, we burned down our kitchen, i almost broke your gaming console, we burned down our kitchen again, and we had to take you to the hospital for anaphylactic shock.. am i missing anything?”

“nope,” you popped the ‘p’ and huffed, “we suck at this.”

“agreed,” hummed asahi.

“there is one hobby we haven’t tried, though.”

“oh?” you caught asahi’s interest.

“couch surfing.”

thus, you and asahi made your way to your couch and pulled up netflix. down the rabbit hole you both went, as you found yourselves sucked into the world of anime and reality television shows. 

“this is the life,” asahi commented, holding you in his arms while you finished up another season of the american show friends.

“it is,” you nodded in agreement.

“totally beats baking and making whipped coffee.”

“oh for sure.”

#bee scribbles #hanimehub #love and lockdown #haikyuu!! #hq!! #haikyuu!! x reader #hq!! x reader #karasuno x reader #asahi #asahi azumane #asahi x reader #asahi azumane x reader #original work

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Egg Meeting 3/14/2021

Alastor visits Valera on Okkylk to “meet” an egg! An egg which hasn’t been laid yet, but like, it buzzes in magic static that Radio Demons can detect, so it’s still an interesting thing to meet if you’re an Alastor.

Alastor and Valera spend way too much time talking about the weird magical interdimensional tricks that Valera’s species can do because at one point Valera went “Alastor mentioned some of his occult experiences and I have decided I will be polite and NOT ask him about them” while Alastor went “Valera mentioned some of their occult experiences and they’re absolutely fascinating so I’m going to crack open my little grimoire and ASK A HUNDRED QUESTIONS and TAKE LOTS OF NOTES.”

He also somehow finagles himself into maybe being a fake-uncle, making the short list for a hypothetical godparent position, and definitely being the official Nightmare PTA Representative at any future school functions.

They also ended up following up on this conversation and it was awful and nobody enjoyed it.

(Starts as semi-OOC chatter and then segues into fully IC)

Alastor

SHOW HIM HIS FUTURE FAUX-NIBLING

Valera

He can meet Eelizzy the spectacular staticy egg

dazzler of, as of now, 100% of the people who've met this literal fetus in an egg in someone's goddamn stomach

Alastor

It’s definitely a lot louder than he generally expects eggs to be. Not, like, *audibly* loud. But still loud.

Valera

it is the sensation of like. those old tvs. the kind of fuzzy when you run your hands in the air right over the glass

Alastor

That’s a good stim

Valera

It's a GOOD STIM and now Val has just accepted that people are going to want to skim their hands over her stomach every time Egg goes brrrr

Alastor

He only does it for a couple of seconds before he’s like what the *fuck* am I doing that is somebody’s belly and stops himself and apologizes, how very rude of him

(But once the egg is laid all bets are off)

Valera

That egg is gonna get so much touching.

Alastor

Everyone with their hands over this egg like it’s the dead of winter and the egg is the only fireplace for miles

Valera

If eelizzy didn't want that she should have thought about it before she decided to be a stim

Egg buzzes rhythmically to music, and the lil beanie baby of A Child inside will kinda wiggle to the beat, which right now Val feels as a vague shifting of weight.

This thing has been exposed to music since it was conceived, it's too late for her

Alastor

Alastor will absolutely play some music for this egg to hear it buzz along

He’s like “You know my mother told me that when she was carrying me, a ghost would come to her and sing for me! She stopped hearing him when I was born. I don’t think I buzzed, though.” And then goes back to playing music like this is a totally normal fact to share out of the blue.

Valera

That's a very normal and not at all weird thing to tell someone. Yep. Fun little factoid to share with a friend.

Val just has to accept this as a new thing they know!!! "Well, hopefully I won't stop hearing you when Elizzy is born! I'm not too bad at charades, but it *would* complicate things."

Alastor

“Well, you could hear me just fine before then, so it’s probably fine!

Valera

Alastor sure had a WEIRD LIFE and Val is NOT SURE what to make of the snippets they heard. Humans aren't usually so Aware

Alastor

:) a special boy

Valera

On one hand, they almost want to *congratulate* him, on the other, did he get robbed of a normal childhood??? Should they offer condolences??? Help.

Alastor

:) :)

Valera

It worked out for him at least but at what cost....

Val doesn't actually know anything about his home life growing up! Like did he have a dad in the picture? Match and Leal didn't, but This guy has Surprised Her Before

Alastor

:) :) :)

Does Val ask or just Wonder?

Valera

They're still anxious about Alastor getting the wrong idea from them asking questions so they would Not ask.

They kept scwunching at the rehearsal because Leal was sitting with their main body patting them and singing in french to Soothe Their Dumb Ass

Alastor

So he just shares a weird-ass anecdote and then they marinate in the moment. Delightfully awkward

Valera

YEP

A little quip and then several seconds of dead air while Val goes on a face journey.

valera, wildly overthinking the second she doesn't have someone literally or figuratively holding her hand through a Social Interaction With Someone She Is Unsure Of Boundaries With

alastor: I was a haunted baby.

val: ..................... cool

Alastor

Alastor: and now I’m haunting YOUR baby! Haha isn’t that fun

Valera

Valera: A proud and noble tradition of baby haunting. Can't wait to see who she decides to haunt later in life.

Alastor

Alastor: ......... Do Veci have ghosts when they die?

He doesn’t know how Veci work, just that afterlives are something that happens to other people

Valera

Val: Nope, when we die for good our gods destroy our souls and recycle them. Unless you're an Autocrat, then you're turned into one of their little puppets used to enact their divine will and guide the next Autocrat. She'll have to find a mortal soul to haunt as a spirit.

Veci who die get put into the soul blender to get recycled for fresh soul meat

Alastor

Alastor: Pity. Environmentally friendly, I suppose.

Alastor: We just get thrown in the landfill and once a year a bunch of us get scooped into the trash compactor.

Valera

val: It's efficient! Kinda gross though, being made of the ground meat of souls. At least I get to look forward to a continued existence as some fucked up angel analog when someone makes me bite it someday. Wonder if I'll still recognize my kids?

Pat pat belly.

Alastor

Alastor: Can you ask your puppet predecessor?

Valera

val: I could try! He did have a daughter who's still alive, maybe if I made him manifest around her I'd get a reaction.

Alastor

Alastor: For her sake, I hope he does! Can’t imagine how awful it’d be if he didn’t! Although I don’t know how close you folks are to your ancestors. Even on Earth it varies.

Valera

val: Oh, very close! There are rooms in the Reppetto Compound still left exactly as the old owners left them when they died *hundreds* of years ago. There's never been a reason to clear them out, so we don't. I visit them occasionally, pay my respects. That's just the Veci though, I think the other species are much more practical.

Alastor

Alastor: ... And yet most of your ancestors get... “recycled.” They’re no longer around to visit the rooms left for them. That *is* a pity.

Alastor: Do Veci ever recognize shreds of their loved ones in their reincarnations?

Valera

val: Yes! It isn't unheard of for lovers to find each other again through old fragments, or a son to find that his child tugs at his soul to remind him of a dearly departed mother. Plenty of people recognize parts of me, some more strongly than others. Shreds tend to find their way back to their families. Sons, daughters, if you've experienced a loss you may find some glimmer of that person again in a generation or two.

Alastor

Alastor: Hm. Not quite gone forever, then. That’s good—the alternative is just too depressing, isn’t it!

Valera

val: Indeed! Full on reincarnation has even happened a few times, though the odds are, obviously, *incredibly* slim. We did have one guy though, who got reincarnated *three times in a row*. He's still alive, I've met him. Absolutely off the shits, never met someone less sane.

Alastor

Alastor: Hah! Is madness a prerequisite or side-effect to full blown reincarnation?

Valera

val: A side effect, I imagine! That would probably mean remembering getting your essence shredded and then falling back together. He likes to say he's "all there but the mind". What about you though? Was your culture close to your ancestors?

Alastor

Alastor: One side closer than the other. Some humans reincarnate, I’m given to understand, but where I’m from once you’re ejected from your body you tend not to get a replacement. Some stick around, most move on to one afterlife or another—and at that point you mainly reach them through long-distance calls, spiritually speaking. They’re still *there,* but... not on the same *level* that we are.

Alastor: It’s a trade off, I suppose—no reincarnation means no way to see them in the flesh again, but on the other hand they’re always *themselves*—they never become somebody different.

Valera

val: That.. Is very alien, to me. But I don't dislike the concept. Preserved in time, an individual forever, able to be reached but not touched. I guess, for us, since we live such a long time... We get a lot of time with people. By the time they leave us, they've usually said all they'd ever want to. If they pop up again it's just a nice surprise.

Alastor

Alastor: We seem to only get enough time to figure out what we're doing and pass on a fraction of our tricks to the next generation or two, and then we're gone and our descendants have to bumble around just like we did! Maybe we need ghosts more.

Valera

val: Sounds like you need more haunted babies to me, Alastor.

Alastor

Alastor: Why, are there any others around for me to haunt?

Alastor: anyway, I wouldn't make a very good ancestor, considering my distinct lack of descendants.

Valera

val: Just pick a baby and declare yourself part of their life! Step-Ancestor them before they can blink!

val: In all seriousness, Leal's already conceded the title of uncle to you despite you not even asking for it, I think you can figure something out.

Alastor

Alastor: I— Has he?

Alastor: Well—I was about to get all presumptuous and commandeer it myself, but—er. Good. Thank you. Him.

Valera

Val: He has indeed. As he puts it, you were here first, and you're Penny's best friend so *obviously* the role of honorary uncle should be yours. If sinners did godparents, I'm sure he'd ask you to be hers. Or I assume as much!

Alastor

Alastor: ... oh. Well. I'd hoped, actually...

Awkward shuffle.

Alastor: ... I mean, a child can have more than one uncle.

Valera

val: What had you hoped, Alastor? I won't laugh or anything, I just need you to be clear with me.

Alastor

Alastor: ... to be that.

Valera

val: What, to be an uncle? Or a godparent?

Alastor

Alastor: I'm not picky about the term. Someone close enough to matter. Uncle, probably, I suppose. I don't know what a damned sinner would do as a godparent—but I wouldn't turn it down.

Valera

A thoughtful look.

val: I'd love to have you be an important part of my child's life, Alastor. Though, from what I *understand* of modern human customs, a non-religious godparent usually just means that if the parents die, the godparent steps in to either raise the kid or find them a home that would raise them the way the parents would want. Largely symbolic, but important nonetheless.

Alastor

Alastor: It's hard to be non-religious within a religious afterlife. But—just for the record, if anything happened to you two and you *didn't* have a plan in place, I'd probably be charging in to do that myself anyway. I'm not about to leave that child in the hands of somebody who's going to be halfhearted about it.

Valera

Val: Well there you go! Already ready to do your job, and you haven't even been handed the paperwork or negotiated a salary.

Alastor

Alastor: IS there paperwork?

He's giving a Skeptical Look

Valera

Val: What, you think they'd hand over an orphan child to any guy who showed up claiming to be a family friend? They like seeing some documents saying "if I die this guy is who I want protecting my kids while they're vulnerable".

Alastor

Alastor: ... All right, fair enough! I was just going to kidnap her and flee into the night, but I suppose a paper or two would keep law enforcement off my back.

Valera

Val: I'm flattered that you'd get in trouble with the interdimensional magic fish police for Eelizzy's sake, but let's spare everyone the hassle. I'll talk to Penny, see if he wants to do the godparents thing at all, but I know what name I'd be floating.

Alastor

Alastor: Well—that's fine, then. Thank you. It's an honor to be considered either way.

He's all self-conscious now, look at this awkward man

Valera

Val: Of course! And at the VERY least I want you to be close to her when she hatches. Good old _Uncle Alastor_ to spoil her when Penny and I are busy.

Look what happens when you actually tell Valera what you want. Blurses. Blessings and curses.

Alastor

Look at him he's got heart eyes

Alastor: Fortunately, I'm an expert at spoiling other people's children! Don't you worry, I'll be loading her up with penny candy and letting her get in all the trouble she wants. Maybe even nickel candy if I'm feeling generous.

Valera

Val: How generous! And speaking of candy, that reminds me. I visited New Orleans recently on business and picked up a few treats while I was there. Do you want some roman candy? I know you don't have a sweet tooth, but it seems like something one should offer regardless.

Alastor

Alastor: ... They're still making that? Is it the real deal or did the family sell the franchise to some big candy company?

Valera

Val: I bought it from the same old wagon as always, so I believe it's authentic! Wax paper and all!

Alastor

Alastor: Well... sure, I'll have some. Doubt I have the right teeth for taffy anymore, but...

Valera

Val: You'll muddle through somehow, I'm sure. What flavor does it for you, chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?

She will whip out a few familiar looking wax paper rolled tubes to offer him. Crinkly!

Alastor

Takes a strawberry one!!

Valera

Val: I'll be sure to let you be the first one to take her to buy this _particular_ candy, when she's old enough to actually enjoy taffy.

Alastor

Give him a second, he managed to bite off a bit and now he's doing the whole dog-with-peanut-butter routine

Valera

Oh no, that's funny. She is LOOKING and SNICKERING at this man. Who knew the secret to silencing the radio demon was _chewy food?_

Alastor

Alastor: ... You know I don't remember this stuff being so hazardous.

He was expecting a RUSH OF NOSTALGIA but then he was like oh right I didn't eat this stuff more than like twice when I was alive, I just saw at the cart.

Valera

The wax paper is more nostalgic than the candy, understandable.

Val: Not having good molars does that, I only ate the stuff the one time to experience it. I like the paper though, it's a very unique experience.

Alastor

HOLD ON LET HIM GET THE LAST OF IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH, he thinks he'll attempt to eat the rest later.

Alastor: We'll see when she's old enough to attempt to eat these things, but—I don't see much point in holding off on letting her try taffy just for ME to do the honors. Seems like a very little thing to make a whole trip for.

Valera

Val: Okkylk doesn't really have much in the way of taffy, I doubt it would come up.. and it would be funny to see her suddenly be faced with a chewy candy to struggle against. This is _guaranteed_ entrainment.

Alastor

Alastor: Hah! I like your parenting philosophy. All the same—no need to wait on me to go get the taffy. I'm sure you'll have more opportunities to pick some up than I will.

Valera

Val: Nothing wrong with a little light torment, she gets candy out of it! Builds character! But yes yes, I get the picture. We'll see how it shakes out, play it by ear.

Alastor

Alastor: As long as she's being duly compensated for providing entertainment! :)

Valera

Val: Of course! She's still my _daughter_, if anything actually upset her that would be a whole different story. Penny would be _inconsolable._

She would also be inconsolable but let's ignore the wibbly sad eyes Val gets at the very thought

Alastor

Alastor: I'm sure we'd be taking turns supporting him through the grief. One person alone wouldn't be able to support that weight.

He's got no doubt Valera would be duly distressed but somehow, somehow he feels like Sir Pentious would be more dramatic about it. Just a hunch.

Valera

There is a distinct possibility that one of the parents may be A HAIR more dramatic, and it MIGHT not be the one with a degree in musical theater. Possibly.

Val: It's true, he's pretty heavy. Like a weighted blanket of emotion.

Alastor

HUFF.

Alastor: I’m going to be thinking of that the next time he flops on top of me.

Valera

Val: Good, you can share my curse. Every Pentious is full of emotion, genius, and, honestly, horny.

Alastor

Opens mouth. Shuts it. Opens it. Shrugs and makes noncommittal radio noises.

Alastor: ... Frankly I don’t know what a normal quantity of horny is.

Valera

Val: I did research, but I don't know how sound it is. We're outsiders trying to look in to a very strange world.

Alastor

Vaguely nods, yeah, that’s true

Alastor: ... What’s the research say?

Valera

Val: Once a week seems like normal horny, in a relationship? A heightened few weeks or months of activity at the start before it levels out seems normal too.

Alastor

Alastor: Weekly?? For the same activity? That’s not as bad as I’d thought, but doesn’t that get boring?

Alastor: ... No, okay, I could schedule a weekly dinner date and never get tired of it, I’ve got no room to talk.

Valera

Val: I was going to say! I do all kinds of stuff on a weekly basis without it getting dull. Plus it does wonders for relieving tension, which I can appreciate from a medical standpoint.

Alastor

SKEPTICAL LOOK

Alastor: You find it RELAXING?

Valera

Val: Well sure! It's only nerve wracking if you aren't at ease, and after almost an entire _year,_ Penny and I have figured out what we like. Plus.. Neither of us sweat, there's no cleanup to worry about, and after the fact the brain gets flooded with feel good chemicals.

Alastor

Alastor: Oh, right, the feel good chemicals, right.

Valera

Val: Not familiar with them, Alastor?

Alastor

Alastor: ......... We’re passingly acquainted

Alastor struggling to figure out how to answer without Discussing Specific Sex Acts

Valera

The STRUGGLE.

Val: Only passingly, interesting. Well, you get a lot more of them with a partner, suffice to say.

Alastor

He's just 8)

Alastor: I would prefer not to!

Valera

Val: You don't have to! I'm telling you why the allosexuals like it so much. Or why I assume they do.

Sex talk with two aces this can only go well!!

Alastor

It sounded like Valera was speaking from a little more than secondhand experience there for a bit but you know what? Alastor isn’t going to ask for clarification. It’s fine. Doesn’t need to know.

Alastor: ... To be quite frank, I prefer far less to be a co-star and more to be a fluffer. I’m sure that’s going to disappoint him sooner or later, but...

Valera

What? The visibly pregnant fish might have firsthand knowledge about sex? Perish the thought.

Alastor

You never know. Mary made it work.

Valera

Immaculate conception of her husband's child, sell that story to the news!

Val: I'm sure you two discussed that before getting together, no?

Alastor

Alastor: ... *As* we were getting together, yes.

Valera

Val: Well then! He knows what he signed up for, and unless he says it's a problem, it shouldn't be treated like one.

Dismissive little hand wave.

Alastor

Alastor: Yes, yes. I don’t intend to treat it like one. Just... making conversation about the whole ‘get more with a partner’ concept.

A similarly dismissive little gesture.

Valera

Val: Ah! Yes, I see, that was perhaps too blanket a statement. Well, he has his other partner, I assume?

Alastor

Alastor: I assume. He hasn’t talked about their sex life. None of my business, I’m sure.

Valera

Wiggly hand gesture.

Val: Yes and no. You ARE his partner.

Val: I tell Penny what Leal and I get up to.

Alastor

Alastor: But do you tell my alternate about how often you have sex with Sir Pentious?

Valera

Val: If he asks! Which he doesn't, really, but we did talk about the finer points of eating pussy.

Alastor

RAISED EYEBROW.

Alastor: ... I don’t think the man I’ve been dating for under a month owes me the details of a near stranger’s sex life. I’ve only met his other partner a couple of times, what business is it of mine what she gets up to?

Alastor: I wouldn’t mind knowing what HE gets up to, but sex is a group sport.

Valera

Val: It isn't like he owes you her life story in hardback, but a frank discussion isn't going to breach confidentiality.

Val: Dating someone who is dating someone else means you're entitled to know what you're consenting to, Alastor.

Alastor

Alastor: I’ve already consented to be with a man who’s probably sleeping with someone else, I can’t think of anything else they could be getting up to that would possibly affect me.

Alastor: Unless their bedroom activities happen to include calling up all my worst enemies and telling them everything they know about me—but if it did, I doubt he’d admit so if I asked about it, would he?

Valera

Her turn to raise an eyebrow.

Alastor

Alastor: ... I don’t think they ARE, I’m trying to think of the most out-there hypothetical possibility.

Valera

Val: Good, I was about to be worried. But really, if those are the boundaries you're comfortable with, that's fine. But I don't think you'd be out of line to ask for more information. Either you'll learn, or he'll tell you it isn't something he wants to discuss.

Alastor

Alastor: Honestly, it... doesn’t cross my mind.

Man has no object permanence when it comes to sex

Valera

Val: Dare I say it, mood. But really, if that's how you like it, good for you, keep on keeping on.

Alastor

Alastor: I intend to!

Unless Telly doesn’t like it, but they’ll cross that bridge when they reach it.

Valera

Val: Then there's no issue, I hope!

Alastor

Alastor: One hopes! ... How did we get on this?

Valera

Val: I... Think it started when I called Pentious horny? And then you got worried about not being an active enough participant?

Alastor

Alastor: Oh, yes, right! But worried, no. Just a passing thought.

Valera

Val: Well, based on my knowledge, as long as the partner gets off they don't often care about the methods.

Shrug! Don't ask where the knowledge came from.

Alastor

Alastor: Ha! If it was that easy, I doubt so many people would be so distressed when the have to make do with their own hands!

Valera

Val: Did you know there's an entire subset of men that intentionally make their hands fall asleep so they can pretend someone else is getting them off?

Alastor

Alastor: You know, it just so happens I did. And I do not understand the appeal. It combines all the worst parts of getting your mouth numbed for a dental procedure with something half-dead and dangerously uncoordinated fumbling with your delicate bits.

Valera

WHEEZE... Oh that caught her off guard, give her a second to collect herself.

Alastor

He’ll wait. Smugly basking in his comedic genius.

Valera

Val: You said it yourself, sex is a group activity for a lot of people. Lonely people want someone else to make them feel good.

Alastor

Alastor: But if that’s all it takes, then why for so many people is a hand inferior to a mouth, and a mouth inferior to a more intimate part? No, I’m sure that there’s more to it than simply a desire for company when cleaning one’s pipes. The methods don’t trump the company, but they do matter.

Valera

Val: I could say more, but then I'd have to start talking about my own _alleged_ experiences.

Alastor

Alastor: ... Is the answer going to be something to the effect of “that particular bit of anatomy feels nicer against one’s equipment than other bits of anatomy?”

Valera

Val: Kind of. I'm sure some people prefer various bits, and they certainly feel _different._ I wouldn't say better though, just on physical contact alone.

Alastor

Alastor: ..."Kind of"?

You know what they say about cats and curiosity

Valera

Val: Yes, kind of. A hand can do things a mouth can't, and vice versa.

Alastor

Alastor: All right! That’s more or less where I thought you were going with that.

Valera

Val: Yes! Though there's a lot to be said for the varying degrees of intimacy.

Alastor

Alastor: I’m sure there is! No doubt there’s something special about the moment you finally get to show your loved one the parts of yourself you previously only shared with your toilet. ... So sorry, I don’t mean to be *dismissive* of the whole thing—I can just never quite get over that association, you know?

Valera

Val: Oh, no, I agree _completely._ Not that I'd tell that to Penny, of course. That would be cruel. But if my husband wants to mutually stimulate nerve endings a few times a week I'm happy to make him happy.

Alastor

SNORT. Mutually stimulate nerve endings.

Alastor: Well, what couples are equally interested in ALL their hobbies?

Valera

Val: None, unless it's two alternates of the same person, I guess!

Alastor

Alastor: Oh, you’d be surprised.

Valera

Val: Oh?? That sounds ominous. You know something I don't?

Alastor

Alastor: I know a lot of my own alternates, primarily!

Valera

Val: Yes, and I suppose even they have varying levels of interest in things?

Alastor

Alastor: Wildly varying! Why, sometimes you can meet yourself and wonder where you have anything in common at all! It’s fascinating, really.

Valera

Val: Goodness, that DOES sound fascinating. I can't imagine.. There's only one me, the idea of a me who isn't like me at all is just bizarre!

Alastor

Alastor: Only one? Or only one that you’ve found so far?

Valera

Val: By virtue of what I am, the only one! Unless something goes VERY Wrong.

Alastor

Alastor: Really! Do elaborate?

Valera

Val: I'm a singularity! There is one me, just in a lot of places!

Alastor

Slow blink.

Alastor: ... Like a god?

Valera

Val: Is... Is that a god thing?

Squint.

Alastor

Alastor: I don’t know many other things that can be in multiple places at once and yet remain an undivided entity with a singular source. Either a god or a radio signal—and signals can get distorted.

Valera

Val: ..... I'd rather be a radio signal than a god, honestly, but. Yeah, I guess? I didn't think it was so uncommon!

Alastor

Alastor: I’ve seen people so rare that even when they go looking, they can only find themselves in one universe—but that’s usually a trick of the universe itself, some little chain of cause-and-effect that only worked out once! Move a dimension to the left and their parents never met, move a dimension to the right and their grandmother died in infancy, and so on. But what *you’re* talking about—one person with a simultaneous singular presence in many realities? That sounds to me like something operating a step higher than your run-of-the-mill monodimensional mortals.

Valera

Val: I could turn on the TV right now and show you what the me in another reality is doing right now, I'm fully aware of myself. Are you saying you _don't_ have that?

_When you are suddenly hit over the head with the fact that you're actually an outlier and not the standard_

Alastor

Alastor: If I want to know what another me is doing, I have to call him up and ask! And sometimes I’ll find out he’s been hearing salacious details about my best friend’s oral skills. I can assure you I wasn’t fully aware of THAT, hah! I’ve heard of people with psychic sensitivities to their alternate selves—a sudden sense of disembodied alarm when something goes wrong elsewhere, emotions without a source, that sort of thing—but that particular sensitivity doesn’t come naturally to me. As far as psychic abilities go, I’d say that one in particular is notably rare.

Valera

Blink.

Val: Oh. Uh. Well. All of my species is like this. _All_ of us are singular individuals.

Alastor

Alastor: ARE you singular individuals? Or do you have alternates just like any other species, but because all of your alternates are... psychically linked, as it were, your thoughts are so inextricably intermingled that the whole lot of you consider yourself one person with one identity?

Valera

Val: At that point, what's the difference?

Alastor

Alastor: It’s the difference between a radio transmitter broadcasting the same song to a dozen different radio receivers, versus a dozen individual radio transceivers that play the same songs because they’re directly broadcasting to each other. Is it one singular thing that’s being witnessed in many places, or is it many separate things that have synchronized and homogenized with each other? In day-to-day life the difference might not matter; but philosophically, spiritually, magically, I think it all makes a great difference!

Valera

Val: Fair enough! But I still believe it's the former. The me you see now is the me that all the information goes back to. We've never cared enough to investigate it in depth.

Alastor

Alastor: ... Do you mean information *doesn’t* go back to the other versions of you?

He’s fascinated, he’s taking mental notes, he’s going all metaphysical occultist on this.

Valera

Val: Of course it does, if I don't intentionally restrict it, which is not something I'd be inclined to do. I'm simply aware of them the way you are aware of your arm.

Alastor

Alastor: So all versions of you get all the information from all versions of you.

Valera

Val: Yes! Unless I'm playing one of my games. Sometimes I'll make myself think I'm a normal mortal for a while. It's fun!

Alastor

Alastor: ......... Let’s unpack that a little.

Valera

Val: Sure! Where do we start?

Alastor

Alastor: Your “games”?

Valera

Val: Yes! A lot of Veci do it as they get older. They'll go to a universe and have one of themselves live a very normal mortal life, unaware of what they actually are.

Val: It's a fascinating perspective.

Alastor

Alastor: So, you cut off one version of yourself from the hive mind. And this version, I take it, then forgets for the duration of the game that they were once a part of a hive mind? Their memories only consist of what they experienced in their own home universe, and anything that they thought or did due to the influence of their other selves, they... what, make up a new false memory to explain away, something like that? And they aren’t receiving information, but they’re still sending out information for the rest of you to receive?

Valera

Val: Yes! Exactly so. A one way broadcast back to home base.

Alastor

Alastor: Huh! What about the people around the game piece who know they ought to be connected to other dimensions—or do you disguise yourself and drop yourself on some alien planet before you start the game?

Valera

Val: The latter! It's no fun if other people know things you don't, they could ruin the game for you. Unless you're going somewhere dangerous, then a lot of people will ask someone to send in an aware variant of themselves to help keep them in the game longer. Istoph does that for me in some places!

Alastor

Alastor: Does your game piece go in cold, wandering around like an amnesiac? Or are they given some sort of... of false set of memories, to blend in with the locals?

Valera

Val: Depends which is more interesting. Usually the latter, unless I can think of a reason that an amnesia story would work better.

Alastor

Alastor: And when does the game end? Death? Discovery? Is there a way for your game piece to "win" or is the game only supposed to be watched?

Valera

Val: It's usually for a set amount of time! A year or two, a decade at most. I don't let them Reproduce or anything, I don't want to go sowing any wild oats. That's how you get overly sensitive humans half the damn time.

A shake of her head.

Alastor

Alastor: ... Yes, that *would* do it.

Valera

Val: ... I don't.. I don't mean to imply _you_ were a result of that or anything. There is more than one way that could happen.

Alastor

Although he doesn't much like the thought that someone somewhere could use that information to dismiss particularly psychic humans as partially inhuman.

Alastor: I should hope I wasn't! I come from a long line of magically gifted people—we don't need the outside help!

Valera

Val: Hah! I know, I could practically smell it on you. If I turned you loose on Okkylk you'd get swarmed.

Alastor

Alastor: ... Swarmed like a dog in heat, or swarmed like a bleeder amidst sharks?

Valera

Val: .... Considering how violent Veci are in the act, uh. Both.

Alastor

A slow, slow nod.

Alastor: ... To steal my traits.

Valera

FACE JOURNEY

Val: I take it he told you about that one, eh? Not his finest moment

Alastor

Alastor: It will be my most carefully-guarded secret. ... But you knew about it already, so.

Valera

Val: To be fair, it's hilarious. I was minding my own business and then the guy I just started dating calls me to accuse me of stealing his traits like some kind of succubus.

Alastor

Alastor: ... I think succubi reproduce with humans because it’s easier, rather than because they want human traits. But don’t quote me on that, I don’t talk to many succubi.

Valera

Val: Neither do I, honestly. Plus, come on. Really? I could have just seduced him, I'm the one that insisted on a relationship.

Alastor

Alastor: Well, how many traits did you *want?* It could take a while!

Valera

Val: Oh yes, of course. If I'm going to get traits I may as well get a full set out of him! However many that is!

Alastor

Alastor: Only one way to find out!

Valera

Val: You're just saying that so you can flex on your alts with all the kids who'd call you uncle.

Alastor

Alastor: I’m willing to share unclehood with as many of my alternates who care to claim it!

Hand over heart, how magnanimous.

Alastor: ... So, are you only pregnant in this universe or all of them?

Valera

Val: Only this one. This is the only body that's gotten plowed by anyone and that's how I'm keeping it.

Snrk.

Alastor

Alastor: Then which universe any given Veci has... copies, facets, whatever—of themself in will vary wildly, depending on whether or not their parents happened to have synchronized date nights across those universes? I suppose it would be *easier* to synchronize up, if every version of you is connected—just like a whole line of dancers doing the can-can together—but what if one body sneezes and an egg doesn’t get filled, does that Veci just have one less version of themself than everyone else? Will Eelizzy have no other selves across the universe?

Valera

val: ..Do you think I'm going to sneeze too hard and shoot this egg across the-- Nevermind. Veci children aren't stable enough to exist in multiple realities, they have to grow up and get more control of their magic before they can manifest across realms.

Alastor

Eyebrows shoot up.

Alastor: No, I was talking about the conception, splash one or two drops the other way and... never mind, that’s the boring part! You’re telling me you start off as one singular entity in a singular universe—and *then* you split off into separate versions of yourself... deliberately?

Valera

Val: Well of course! There's only one Pelagios right now, he won't split off until he's fifteen for his first practice run, and then in earnest in his twenties. Rite of passage and all that!

Alastor

AMAZED BLINK. And then he’s opening a portal and hauling out his grimoire, ‘scuse him, don’t mind him.

Valera

She watches, slow blinking. What, did THAT catch his attention?

Alastor

Alastor: I should have been taking notes all along—I apologize, I do believe you were right, you *are* a lone tower transmitting to many receivers—or at the very least you do start off as one tower! How do you split, does it follow the natural branching of timelines—when two paths of history split over somebody’s decision, you just keep conscious contact with the two versions of you formed at that fork? Or do you create your duplicate self and then assign it to some pre-chosen timeline?

Scribble scribble SCRIBBLE scribble.

Valera

Val: The latter at first, I see a reality that interests me and drop in, and then as it progresses, it becomes the former. As the timeline I chose to investigate develops and changes, I follow the branching paths and observe the varying realities. It is *fascinating* stuff. Though sometimes a branch seems doomed, in which case I'll usually withdraw and send that variant elsewhere instead. Start the whole process over.

Alastor

Alastor: So you can pick and choose which path you follow—but you don’t AUTOMATICALLY form another version of yourself, only when you want to? That means that more versions of you AREN’T forming every single time a timeline you’re in branches, correct? But a single timeline can branch countless times, a hundred times an hour—I’m pulling that number out of my you-know, just as an example—if a timeline branches a hundred times an hour, then that means that in ninety-nine percent of all those timelines, a Veci living in it will suddenly... vanish into thin air? Is that right?

Valera

Val: Close enough, which is *generally* why we try to live very lowkey lives. Making new branches of yourself isn't.. *energy consuming* or anything, but you have to be able to process that amount of information. We don't vanish into thin air, but we'll often arrange a swift withdrawal. A sudden move, a staged home invasion, or, in a pinch, just erase ourselves from people's memories. Though that one is imprecise and often leaves lingering traces. Not ideal.

Alastor

Alastor: I imagine it explains an encounter with the fae or two.

Valera

Val: Probably? That's my theory.

Alastor

Alastor: And how often DO timelines branch around you, would you estimate? Are you abandoning thousands of iterations of the same place a day or... Well, I sort of *imagine* that time branches at ridiculously high rates, but I don’t actually know.

Valera

val: Not as often as you think honestly. Obviously it happens, but most people aren't wildly changing reality with every move. The butterfly effect is not as impactful as people believe it is.

Alastor

Alastor gratefully waves away the nightmarish thought of a million sad snakes wondering where his wife went.

Valera

Thoughtful hum....

Val: *You* probably caused a split, back in the day. There's a reality out there where you're dating the Pentious of your Hell. That was a fairly significant moment with pretty obvious impact on the rest of the population.

Alastor

Alastor: I’d always wondered about that! The whole ‘butterfly’ effect thing—particularly considering how often universes seem to CONVERGE on each other. Those of us who have more conventional alternates—it’s *amazing* how often I can talk to myself and think “why, you and I are so similar—our realities must have split no more than ten minutes ago!” and then I find out my other self has completely different parents and a big sister to boot. If two universes that started out in utterly different places can drift back together—

Oh. He stops talking with a noise like a motor dying.

Valera

Slow nod.

Val: It's not like every breakup causes a split in realities. But a drastic choice that results in explosions? Yeah.

Alastor

From 100 to 0 with one sentence.

Valera

Shoulder pat.

Val: It's weird to think about.

Alastor

Alastor: ... I hope he’s doing better.

Valera

Val: ... You're doing better too, Alastor. Better than you were.

Alastor

Alastor: I didn’t mean my alternate.

Valera

Squint.

Val: Your Pentious.

Alastor

Alastor: The one over there isn’t “my” Pentious. ... Sir Pentious. He’s just an alternate of my Sir Pentious, just like the one I’m seeing is an alternate of my Sir Pentious, and the one you’re married to is an alternate of my Sir Pentious. He just branched off a little more recently, that’s all.

Alastor: “My” Sir Pentious will always be the one that I backstabbed.

Valera

Val: He's fine. And *yours* will be okay too. We both know Sir Pentious is stubborn and unstoppable.

Alastor

Alastor: Stubborn, yes. ... We’re going to fix all that, though. So that this never happened.

Alastor: The original plan was to... to wrench the course of this timeline off its current path and onto the path it *would* have had if that decision had been different. But if you think the timeline *already* split there—then it’s not so much a matter of relocating this timeline as it is—just erasing it entirely, so that the other one is the only one left. Right?

Valera

She grimaces. That's a *lot* of people she'd be killing. Erasing from existence. Whatever.

Alastor

She agreed to it once before.

Valera

Val: Yeah, essentially. Not pleasant to think about, but... Yeah. And it's theoretically possible, but. Again. Fifty fifty shot.

Val: I'm... Surprised you'd still want to do it, though. You've got a boyfriend now. What about him?

Alastor

He squeezes his eyes shut and looks pained a second. That’s the same thought that he had. And that he HAS had about a thousand times.

Alastor: This was never about what I want, it was about him. Putting him back on track. Where he deserves to be.

Valera

Val: .... Not to... Okay, you know what, *yes* to be that person. But you want to help one Pentious by hurting another? If you wanted to spare the man you backstabbed, you shouldn't have started dating Telly. You *know* losing you is going to hurt him, *if* it works.

Alastor

Another pained wince.

Alastor: No, you’re right, I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to, but I did, and I shouldn’t have. And I knew I shouldn’t have, and... well. Here we are. But I can’t just—just change my mind, not when I have my first chance to make this right!

Valera

Val: I know. I understand. I—I wish I didn't but I *do* and I hate it. And I'm still going to try and help you. If you're sure you want to try. Even though this is. *Awful.* And only going to hurt people. Penny. Telly. Gods only know what will happen if we succeed. If we don't.. You'll hurt him anyway. You know this isn't something you should keep secret from him.

Alastor

And we’ve got a triple pained wince combo!

Alastor: How can I *not?* How can I just—just... happily go about my days, having picnics with one version of him and cuddling up to sleep with another, merrily getting ready for my big Broadway debut, dreaming about infernal conquest like I haven’t been able to dream in half a century—when he’s Hell’s laughingstock because of me?! Everything’s finally coming together for me, but the man I loved first and longest is a joke! How can I live out his dreams with an echo of him? What the Hell gives me the right to let a world like that exist?

Valera

Val: I know we've discussed this before, but. Tell me. Why haven't you tried to make amends? You'll never be friends again, obviously, but surely you could take out some overlords, or anonymously provide supplies... Do some networking, find allies to thrust his way without your name ever crossing his mind?

Frown...

Alastor

Alastor: ... I’ve done a bit. Taken out some of his rivals, that sort of thing.

Valera

Val: That's good! If your major grievance is that you've ruined his life, isn't it right to fix the damage you've caused, even if it's hard?

Alastor

Alastor: And then I heard him whining about how somebody else took down his foes before he had a chance to.

Wan smile.

Valera

.... Somehow, she doesn't look surprised. She just rolls her eyes.

Val: Okay, yeah that sounds like Every Pentious I Know.

Alastor

Smiles a little wider for a second

Alastor: Doesn’t it?

Valera

Val: I love my Penny, truly, but he's a _brat_ and so are his alts. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, Alastor. Literally.  You might as well be damned handing the man an overlord on a platter. Even if he complains, at least he's getting a chance to rebuild.

Alastor

Alastor: ... I—*hm*—but—It isn’t *right.* It shouldn’t be just, just... He’s had half a century wasted. All that should be gone. Not just made up for after the fact, but—GONE. Shouldn’t it? Throwing him favors after the fact is, it’s... it’s...

Gestures vaguely and throws out meaningless sound effects. You know!!!

Valera

A sympathetic nod.

Val: I know. Erasing it seems like the kindest option, but is it? Would that be what _he'd_ want? To simply undo everything? Or would he want to claw his way back to the top and spit in the face of every overlord who tried to keep him down? You know him better than I do, so this is not rhetorical. It's a genuine question.

Alastor

He’s gotta stop and stare into space while he thinks about that.

Alastor: ... If somebody asked the Sir Pentious of today if he’d want the last century of troubles retroactively wiped away... I don’t know. I don’t know if he’d rather *have* the throne or *earn* the throne. He’s never had any shame about using an unfair advantage, the only reason he was able to conquer half the States was because he was filthy rich for no good reason and he’ll tell you so himself, but... he wouldn’t want somebody else to do his conquering *for* him, but I don’t know if that’s what he’d consider somebody changing history for him. But if I asked the Sir Pentious of ‘66 which route he’d like to go on, the one where he’s got a loyal ally and can get on with the business of conquest or the one where he’s betrayed and has to start at square one just for a fun extra challenge, he’d ask me if I’m crazy and say he’d rather have the first route. No question.

Alastor: ... But he already HAS that route, if you’re right. If it split then. If it *did* split then, then I’m not... I’m not giving the one I know a little mind wipe and transplanting him sideways into a better reality. That reality is already there and populated. I’m just... destroying him. Right?

Valera

Val: Correct. Is that mercy? Is that making amends?

Val: Wouldn't it be better to improve his life, rather than erase him entirely?

She almost reaches for Alastor's hand, but thinks better of it. Fiddle with her necklace it is.

Alastor

Alastor: ... Is there a way to see? If that universe already exists? If it doesn’t then we can proceed as planned.

Valera

Val: Oh, yes of course there is. I could try to find it, put myself in it the way I do any other universe. Would you like me to?

Alastor

Alastor: It could settle things.

Valera

Val: True. Do I have permission to peek under the hood of your reality?

Alastor

Alastor: ... What, right now?? You can just do it on the spot?

Valera

Val: I could, but I'm not going to. I'm _heavily_ pregnant and my baby is liable to start spitting static that could mess with my spells. I'll have to wait until she's tuckered out, play something energetic until the little thing wiggles herself senseless.

She pats her belly affectionately, but with a roll of the eyes.

Alastor

Alastor: Ha! Right. Of course.

... Plays something energetic.

Valera

The egg, predictably, seems very excited about this sudden turn of events and starts throwing hissing nonsense static fuzz into the air with a sensation not unlike static electricity.

Valera raises an eyebrow at Alastor.

Alastor

:)

Valera

Val: Spoiling her already, are we? She's getting big enough to actually feel her moving, you know.

Alastor

Alastor: It was your idea. :) But really? Through the egg and all?

Valera

Val: Yes! Soft shelled eggs are a lot easier to feel through than hard shells, and she is _wiggling_. It's not obvious like a human baby kicking, but there's definitely weight shifting.

Alastor

Alastor: Oh, right—they WERE soft, weren’t they! I was trying to be polite and not look too closely.

Valera

Val: Understandable! Amusingly similar to snake eggs, really. Which means by the time May rolls around I'm going to be strangling any radio demon brave enough to try and get this baby active.

She's grinning, but not in a way that says she's joking.

Alastor

Alastor: You were the one who suggested getting her to wiggle herself senseless, I’m only following your sage advice.

Valera

Val: You're evil. How _dare_ you listen to me. If my daughter wants to learn the trumpet when she's older it's your fault. She's being seduced by _Jazz music_.

Alastor

Alastor: I’m setting her up for a life of vice and villainy, EXACTLY as I’m sure her father would want.

Valera

Val: He'll want her learning the pipe organ and how to cackle maniacally. That classic Romantic ideal of brooding and fits of murderous passion. You'll have her _flashing ankles_ on the dance floor!!

A mock gasp!! Perish the thought!

Alastor

Alastor: All the better to shock and scandalize her enemies, right before eliminating them! If they’re staring at her ankles, they’ll never see her gun.

Valera

Val: Bold, I like it. But you'll have to explain that one to Penny, I can already tell he's going to be one of those dads who fawn over their daughter. Leal too, even if he insists he's not attached.

A VERY dramatic roll of the eyes.

Alastor

Alastor: Ha! Then I can do one better—I’ll get *her* to explain it to Sir Pentious.

Valera

Val: Oh that can _only_ go well. I'm holding you to that one, Alastor.

Alastor

A wink.

Alastor: My alternate can fawn over her—I think instead I’ll conspire with her. I just hope she’s a rascal.

Valera

Val: Well I don't know about _Penny_, but I was a rascal without equal in my youth! I knocked over half the shelves in a library and pinned it on another kid. I'm sure she'll give me as many headaches as I gave my caretakers.

Alastor

Alastor: Never you fear, I'll do my best to make sure she lives up to the precedent you've set!

Valera

Val: I appreciate that, Alastor! I'm sure I'll be much too busy doing boring parent stuff. Not sure what, but it'll catch me. Maybe I'll go to a PTA meeting.

Alastor

Alastor: A... what meeting?

The man hasn't been around children in almost nine decades, he'd forgotten such esoteric acronyms. It sounds like a military thing.

Valera

Val: A PTA meeting! A parent teacher... SOMETHING meeting. I don't know what the A is for.

Alastor

Snaps fingers! Now it’s familiar.

Alastor: Assassination.

Alastor: ... Wait.

Valera

Val: I don't think I'm supposed to assassinate the teachers. Although, if they're doing a bad job...

Kombucha girl face journey.

Val: No. No. It's probably association or something stupid like that.

Alastor

SNAPS FINGERS AGAIN.

Alastor: THAT was it! Association! Pity, “Parent Teacher Assassination” sounded far more fun.

Valera

Val: It DOES sound more fun. Now I'm disappointed.

Alastor

Alastor: Sounds like a fantastic parent-child bonding activity, too!

Valera

Val: Take the teacher with the lowest reviews and hunt them for sport? Sounds like something you'd enjoy.

Alastor

He’s got to pause and think about that for a moment.

Alastor: Who’s reviewing them?

Valera

Val: Not sure. The students, I imagine?

Alastor

Alastor: All right, seems fair! I’m for it!

Valera

Val: Good! You'll be handling the PTA meetings then, that's _one_ less thing for me to worry about.

Snrk snrk. She's kidding. Probably.

Alastor

Alastor: Oh, CAN I? I’ve always wanted to be a problem at school events! An *adult* problem, I mean. I imagine it’s a somewhat different experience from being a student problem.

Valera

Val: What, you want to get saddled with my kid for an evening to go to a school and scare the hell out of the staff?

Alastor

Alastor: Scare them, annoy the hell out of them, say wildly inaccurate things that they’re forced to agree with because they know I’m there on behalf of the autocrat... any of the above, really!

Valera

Val: Well damn! Alright, I'll make sure you go to at least a couple of them. If I send you and one of your alts we can _really_ get a show.

Alastor

Oh look at him he’s ecstatic. This just opened up a whole new world of pranks.

Valera

Val: I've never seen someone so excited about going to a PTA meeting. But hey, who am I to deny you fresh victims? Congratulations on your upcoming career in school harassment.

Alastor

Alastor: Thank you, I eagerly anticipate it!

Valera

Egg probably wore herself out while they were discussing the finer points of PTA sabotage

Alastor

yeah there IS a secondary timeline where Sir Pent and Al are Hell's most feared power couple. Airships are everywhere. Lucifer is going "oh shit the prisoners are unionizing." Alastor and Sir Pent wear matching outfits. They have a kid, where did they get a kid, did they adopt a baby imp or something??? what the fuck

Valera

Oh my god

Val takes one look at that timeline, looks at that Alastor, looks at this one. Looks back. "Well you're a dad in this one." And does not provide context

Alastor

Alastor just. Sits on the floor.

Valera

Well she can't exactly pat his head so they just have to sit there. Timeline confirmed welcome to die

Alastor

"What's their name?"

Valera

"What, the kid? I didn't think to ask. Does it matter?"

Alastor

"Just wondered." He's gotta lay down.

Valera

Guess she's gotta go try to learn the kids name now if Alastor is gonna be a sad floppy man. Feels bad.

Alastor

He was gonna be a sad floppy man regardless.

Valera

It is in the nature of Alastors to be sad and floppy men

Valera

But only under SPECIFIC circumstances

Alastor

Selectively sad and floppy

Valera

"...... Alternate timeline you's kid is named Codie Grace." Alright that is enough telling Alastor things about the future he doesn't have

Alastor

In one universe The Alastor That Didn't Fuck Up is probably giving Valera this c: look like do you get it. do you. do you get it. And in this universe The Fuckup Alastor is squinting at the ceiling and then suddenly goes "WE NAMED OUR KID *COUP DE GRÂCE*?!"

Valera

VAL GETS IT AND SHE ISN'T SURE IF SHE LOVES IT OR HATES IT

But it is VERY like them, the bastards

Alastor

Alastor just covers his face and laughs. It is the laugh of a broken man. Yeah. Yeah that's what he would name a kid, dammit. It's true.

Valera

Poor Fuckup Alastor

Alastor

"... Are they successful, over there? Are they happy?"

Valera

"They wear matching outfits and have airships all over the place so yes and yes."

She's gonna need a broom to pet this man with. There there.

Alastor

Alastor

It's just a high pitched static whine noise. *Matching outfits...*

That's BASICALLY the exact same thing as marriage. You're married when you wear the same outfits.

Valera

What is marriage if not an elaborate excuse to wear matching outfits? Just keep doing it, forever.

Pat. Pat. "And now you know. There's a reality out there where you and your local Pentious are basically married with a kid and have airships over like, half of Hell."

Alastor

He's gonna. Lay there for a second. And process that.

And then sit up and cradle his head in his hands and process that some more.

Valera

Would he like.... Well. Not tea but she can get him some water. Maybe a coffee.

Alastor

Coffee would be nice

Valera

She can do coffee. Does he want any cream or sugar?

Alastor

Black as his soul. Like an edgy hottopic goth kid.

Valera

She'll get him some pourover, let him have a good coffee while his brain wheezes and stalls.

Alastor

He eventually gets himself up in a chair with his coffee. Look at that, he's almost human again. "So there's already a place where it all worked out."

Valera

"That seems to be the case, yes." The power of coffee, clearly. If only sitting upright really fixed your problems.

Alastor

A nod, and then he’s silent again a moment as he processes this. “So there’s—I wouldn’t be helping him. I can’t help him like this.”

Valera

"You cannot. You can't just wave away what you did to him. Not without ruining another Pentious' life."

Alastor

“It’s not just ‘waving away’! Don’t forget that doing this would erase me, too! It’s not *running* from the consequences of my actions, it’s *paying* for them!” He’s gotta hop up and pace. “‘Waving away’ what I did is what I’m doing right NOW—getting to—to move on and be happy like it never happened! How is that fair?!”

Valera

"How is it fair? Good question, let me counter with another." She sips the tea she got for herself, watching him pace. "Have you forgiven yourself?"

Alastor

He pauses for half a second, and then continues pacing. “Now, why would I go and do a damn fool thing like that?” He laughs wryly. “I don’t see how it matters.”

Valera

"Because you're in Hell, and why would Hell ever _really_ let you win?"

Alastor

“*Hell* wouldn’t—and that’s why I’m outsourcing the job. I don’t see what that has to do with forgiveness and fairness.”

Valera

"Didn't you think Hell has some measure of control over you, or am I misremembering?"

A stretch, and a hand lays over her belly. Rub rub. "Now. I am loathe to admit I could still try to break your timeline like a bone and forcefully reset it into a shape similar to the one I saw, but. I could. Though THAT is something I've never tried at all, I've got no idea if it would work."

Alastor “‘It’s not my fault, the devil made me do it’?” Alastor shook his head. “It’s my fault. Hell is pulling some strings, sure—it can, say, nudge things around to prey on your worst character flaws—but it doesn’t give you those character flaws.”

He stops pacing again. “What would that involve?”

Valera

She opens her mouth, closes it. Clicks her tongue. "That's what I'm figuring out. It *can* be done. I've never done it. But I said I would help you, so I have to offer it as a possibility. It would probably take something fairly drastic. There was a window between you making your decision and actually betraying Pentious, right?"

Alastor

A slow nod. “Ten or fifteen minutes.”

Valera

"There are... A few options. I don't know how *viable* they actually are, right now. I'll have to do research. But I *think* I could try to remove you *entirely* from the timeline at that point. Most likely through a faked assassination or kidnapping. That would break the timeline off the track that was set, an outlier that was not within reasonable bounds. Then give the timeline a few hours, maybe days as it tries to course correct and *cannot*, and then I... Drop *you* back in. Let you run back to Sir Pentious, alive, if not unharmed. At the very least, I'm sure he'd be too busy being glad you were alive to be angry that whatever scheme he was currently enacting got thrown off."

Alastor

He stops breathing for a moment as he thinks about Sir Pentious having to deal with Alastor so suddenly disappearing.

And he tries not to too deeply analyze his disappointment when Valera says they’d put him back. He starts pacing again. “And that would be—like we discussed before? This version of the timeline disappears completely?”

Valera

"It would be impossible for the timeline to continue as it was, so. Yes. You cannot betray Pentious if you aren't there. Everything would get thrown off the rails entirely. Timelines account for a reasonable margin of circumstances with everything people do. Most people rarely do things outside of their norm, so even small changes rarely mean anything and that's why they don't branch as much as people think."

She taps her stomach, lips pursing. "Again. Remember, I can't guarantee it would work. But it does seem the most *likely* to work out of all the options. The first obstacle would be me taking down the Radio Demon. I don't know if you're aware, Alastor, but I don't actually relish the thought of fighting you to what you'd believe to be your death."

Alastor

He laughs humorlessly. “You won’t need to fight. I can tell you exactly what to say to make me come willingly.”

Valera

Blink. Wait, what? She looks back up at him, eyebrows raising. "What, really?"

Alastor

“You think I don’t know myself well enough to know exactly what would make me shut up and listen? Don’t you have secret things that would immediately catch your attention if a stranger said them to you?” A shrug. “Anyway, I wasn’t exactly hard to persuade at that point! I’d just decided to escape a relationship by destroying everything he owned and running—if a stranger magically appeared in front of me and said ‘come with me, we need to fake your assassination,’ I’d consider it a miracle.”

Valera

Valera raises a finger. "Alastor, I am a stubborn, paranoid bitch of a politician. My own parents could miraculously spring back into existence and promise me anything I wanted and I would probably try to bite them. I can't be blackmailed because any time someone tries, I get my PR team to leak it themselves to control the narrative. I am TRULY the most contrary piece of work to get dragged into existence."

A pause.. Then she grins. "Lucky for us, you're not me. If you think that would work? *Good*. That's one of many obstacles down. A question, though, and possibly a dumb one. Would you even *want* to go back? If I ripped you from the timeline, that is."

Alastor

“Does what I’d want matter? Either you put me back, you exterminate me, or you drop me somewhere outside of Hell and I end up having to go back eventually. A disembodied soul can’t last forever outside of Hell, and I can’t move into a neighboring Hell without stepping on an alternate’s hooves.”

Valera

She rolls her eyes, sighing noisily. "Yes, it matters. Even if we can't figure out something better, I want to *try* and help you get a happier ending. Because right now, it's sounding like you're about to give up Telly to go run into your Pentious' arms. Which I don't think Telly would like much."

Alastor

“No! That’s not what I want! I keep double checking that this will delete the current timeline for a reason! If some different Alastor *just slightly* removed from me ends up with him, dandy, but it had damn well better not be me! I’m not trying to get back with him, I’m trying to get ERASED!”

Well. That’s sure something he said and can’t unsay.

Valera

She freezes, her eyes locked on Alastor's face. So, the truth comes out, does it? But is this the eye of the storm, or a defeated gasp? This may require some care.

A slow inhale. A shift of her weight as she sits more upright, face neutral. "I *see*."

Alastor

Those weren’t quite the words he expected out of himself, either. But he’s nothing if not impossible to shut up, so he swallows hard and soldiers on. “Didn’t I say, the very first time we discussed this, that when you made that other timeline, I didn’t want you to combine my memories with my past self—I wanted you to let me get deleted with the rest of this timeline? *This isn’t for me.* I don’t want to get him back—I want him to win. How isn’t that clear? If I wasn’t worried about what it would do to Sir Pentious’s psyche if his lover is assassinated on his airship the morning after they hooked up, I’d tell you to put a bullet through my head the moment you see me!”

Valera

She nods, chewing her lip thoughtfully as she watches him dig his hole deeper with every word he rattles out. She'd known this, really. He'd said it. But she didn't realize..

Well. Better late than never, one supposes. "And what about Telly, Alastor? What are you going to do about *him?* What of *his* psyche?"

Alastor

His face almost cracks completely, brows drawing and smile half wilting. He slumps down onto a seat again. “I shouldn’t have gotten him involved.” It’s not really an answer.

Valera

"No, you shouldn't have! But you did, and now you have another problem to solve. Because Alastor? I do NOT want to explain to that poor man that I helped his boyfriend erase himself from existence for the sake of the man he betrayed, and had planned on doing so before you two even met. You may not have to deal with the fallout, but *I will.*"

Alastor

He inhales sharply at the thought of it. “Isn’t there a way to... As long as we’re altering timelines, can’t we just... make it so he never met me? It was under three months ago, all it would take...” He can’t even finish. It feels like knives just to think about.

Valera

"I already find the idea of breaking your timeline dubious at best, and now you want me to alter the reality of my friend? An innocent party in all this? You *know* he wouldn't want that, Alastor. I agreed to help you with one very specific problem, it isn't my fault that you decided to dally with another snake and complicate matters when you knew your time was potentially limited to months. I wont help you fix that."

She struggles to her feet, empty mug in hand. "I am going to get a refill on my tea. Do you want more coffee, Alastor?"

Alastor

He glances at his cup. He still hasn’t quite emptied it. He shakes his head.

Valera

A nod. "I will be clear. I am not angry, I am not saying I wont help you. But I cannot fix all of your problems so easily. Your actions have consequences, and erasing yourself wont leave everyone happy and everything tied up with a bow." Her thumbs rub over the smooth finish of her mug, brow furrowing in thought.

"I am sorry, Alastor. If I could guarantee, one hundred percent, that I could erase you from Telly's life, take you back to your timeline, and wipe you out before you ever hurt your Pentious.. I would. I would obliterate your mind on the spot and let whatever version of you sprang forth, happy and in love, carry on with your day like it never happened. And I'd take that to my grave. But I can't make that promise." Okay she'd better actually leave, standing around holding an empty cup to rant at someone is stupid. Give her a bit.

Alastor

He nods vaguely, but although he absorbs what Valera says, most of his focus is on his own thoughts.

Telly. If he leaves, who’s there for Telly? Who’s the one who will bargain, threaten, or assassinate whoever it takes to get Telly the supplies he needs for his ship? When all his machines are broken, who’s going to be the one to fill the gaps with magic until they’re repaired? Who will tell him that he’s beautiful, brilliant, unstoppable, every day until he believes it himself? Who’s going to *feed* him?

Every single day, Alastor sees more of Telly’s real self—the person Alastor met just shy of three months ago is hardly a ghost compared to the person Telly is now. It doesn’t matter how Alastor leaves. If he just vanishes, then everything he’s tried to give Telly will be lost. If they never met, then Alastor never gave him those things at all.

He’s still brooding on these thoughts when Valera gets back.

Valera

Valera lets him have some silence, settling back down with her tea as she observes Alastor's stewing. Good. He's thinking. Maybe he'll think his way *out* of this idiocy.

Alastor

He’s working on it.

His Sir Pentious, though—the one he *betrayed*—nothing is fixed for him if Alastor *doesn’t* follow through. He’s still stuck where he is. So which is worse? Which weighs heavier? Never paying the price and making amends for the sin he committed before, or committing a fresh sin now? If no matter what he does, he’s got to knowingly and deliberately doom one of them to an afterlife of broken hopes and unfulfilled aspirations, which one of them is worse?

“... I made a deal with him.” Instead of trying to repeat it, he just plays it back, his own voice slightly cracklier than usual as if it’s playing back from a phonograph record: “*I swear I will never knowingly and deliberately or callously break your heart; and I swear that if I do ever leave, I’ll leave with kindness and honesty; and I swear I’ll never betray you like I did the Sir Pentious of my universe; or I forfeit my soul and all those I have to you.*”

He looks at Valera. “As far as you can think of—is there no possible way for me to do this without violating all three of those?”

Valera

Valera pauses, rolling the terms over in her mind. "You could tell him you can't be with him anymore because you realized your goals are incompatible. That would be a _kindness._ You would be leaving with honesty. Your goals _are_ incompatible."

Alastor

Nods, he accepts that. There are ways he could be honest without telling too much of the truth. Debatable on the idea that he’d be leaving with kindness, but he’s willing to let that sit for the moment. “The other two, then. I wouldn’t be knowingly and *deliberately* breaking his heart, since breaking it is just a side effect instead of my goal; but it would be knowingly and *callously.*”

Valera

"Is it callous, to try and spare him from further harm by stepping away? Because that's what you'd be doing, I imagine."

She leans back into the cushions of the couch, tapping her chin. "_Knowingly_ breaking his heart is the real issue. You've essentially _trapped_ yourself in the relationship. You can't leave while he has feelings for you, no matter how kind and honest you are, because you'll break his heart doing it."

Alastor

“I was damn careful with my wording to make sure I wouldn’t be trapped.” He shakes his head. “That’s why it has to be both. Knowingly-*and*-deliberately or knowingly-*and*-callously. If I know it will break his heart, but the heartbreak isn’t deliberate or callous, it’s legal.” He takes a deep breath. “But I’m *not* trying to spare him harm by stepping away. I’m trying to... disappear, to undo a prior betrayal; and, in the process, I’d be knowingly adding to the parade of people who have promised him the world and then ripped it away—and—and I’d be doing untold damage to his ability to follow his ambitions.” He clears his throat, his voice is starting to sound a little hoarse. “He wouldn’t be spared harm. Knowing the extent of the damage, I—there’s—there’d be no way to proceed without callousness. Would there.”

Valera

Valera has an argument already half formed, but stops. Cocks her head to one side. Why the FUCK would she try to convince him around to her side. This was basically a get out of jail free card. Her perspective didn't matter here, it was *his* contract.

"Y-yeah. If that's the way you interpret your contract, you're well and truly stuck."

Alastor

His shoulders slump, the tension draining out of them all at once. "So that's that? It's undoable." If he can't think of a way and Valera can't think of a way...

Valera

She lifts a shaky mug to her lips, squeaking out what MIGHT be the affirmative. "Mm-Mm!"

Alastor

“All right. That’s that.”

He expects to feel... maybe relieved. Maybe resigned. Instead, what hits first is an unexpected wave of grief. He tries to disguise it by rubbing his eyes with his forefinger and thumb, as though he’s just tired. “So—“ Ahem. “So. You and I shook. If we can’t proceed, then what’s... How do we dissolve that?”

Valera

Valera frowns, fins drooping as she wavers. But no. This is for the best. "Well, how do *you* negate a deal that is no longer viable? All you need to do is say you've released me from the contract, on my end."

Alastor

“You’re released from the contract if I’m released from the contract.” He’s not *unilaterally* releasing somebody else from a contract, that’s just common sense.

Valera

Her eyes are ROLLING. Of course, even now he's being difficult. "Well we shook on it. What does your magic need to terminate the agreement? Blood? Another handshake?"

Alastor

"For you to agree to the same out loud." It's not THAT complicated; but a release from a contract has to be mutual. Otherwise anyone could cancel a contract at any time, and then where would the exploitative dealmakers of the world be?

Valera

"Alright. I release you from our contract under the same terms."

... She doesn't know why she always expects something dramatic to happen, it never does. At least she can lean back and sigh, now.

Alastor

If it helps, Alastor plays a little *ta-daaa* trumpet fanfare.

Valera

It helps, but also makes her primary heart clench. She didn't lie, but she wasn't honest. And it digs into her like a splinter.

A sigh. "Are you okay, Alastor? I know you wanted _very_ badly to help the Pentious of your Hell." That came out more gently than she'd intended, but she's too tired to try and force a casual demeanor right now. Deal with her concern.

Alastor

He's silent for a moment, then sighs and sort of shrugs and shakes his head at the same time. "It just puts me back where I was a few months ago. No great loss."

Valera

"Sure, but you got your hopes up, only for them to be dashed by a contract of your own design." She isn't going to comment on that being incredibly dumb. She isn't. But she's thinking it. Even though it worked out for her.

"I suppose that means you'll have to do things the old fashioned way if you want to make amends."

Alastor

"If the contract wasn't there, I would have had to *decide* which one of them I want to hurt. At least this way the choice is out of my hands. And it means the contract did its job, didn't it?"

He rubs his eyes. "Still. Having the end in sight, and then watching it disappear..."

Valera

Most people would be happy to live another day, but a man craving oblivion? Maybe not so much. She frowns.

"At least you've got Telly. That leaves your local Pentious still suffering. And lest we forget, I entered that contract wanting to help _him_. Still do."

Alastor

And there is nothing he wants more than to go home, curl up in Telly's coils, and not come out for a week. He nods. "I know."

Valera

A low sigh. She could WANT to help, but she couldn't really *do* much. "Well. I suppose there's nothing to be done, at least not now."

Alastor

"I suppose not. Maybe another time." It's hard to even think about an alternative plan right now. How can he even consider a plan that doesn't involve completely erasing all of his mistakes in one fell swoop? What's the *point*?

Valera

"Another time? Yes, absolutely. The politician in me already has five concepts to workshop with my imaginary team. But I am tired, and nauseous, and I want to go hide against either Leal or Penny, whichever lucky man I find first."

Alastor

"Cheers to *that.*" He limply picks up his almost-empty coffee mug. "I think I'll be following your lead." Now that for the first time he HAS someone to hide against.

Valera

She waves her tea at him in what could pass as a pale imitation of a toast, slamming back the rest of her drink like a shot. "At least that's one thing we get out of *love*. Somebody willing to let us use them as *emotional support*."

Alastor

That feels like an attack. Why does that feel like an attack? "Or a warm pillow." He finishes his coffee and stands. "Well, that didn't quite go the way I wanted it to. But thank you for the introduction." He nods toward the egg. "And I suppose I'll see you at work tomorrow?" Remember that part? After all this, they've got JOBS they've gotta go to tomorrow? Harrowing.

Valera

She opens her mouth to remind him that she and Penny are both coldblooded, but then remembers that Leal is a furnace on legs, and just nods instead. "It was... Well. Parts of this visit were fun. I'll see you tomorrow, Alastor. And I'll remember to talk to my beau about your role in Eelizzy's life." Thumbs up.

Alastor

Listen, Alastor's spent the past few decades crying himself to sleep on a pillow with a faux snakeskin pillowcase. Who wants to argue with him if he says he feels warmer when he's wrapped around Telly.

His expression brightens a little bit. "I'd appreciate it."

Valera

She wheezes out a breathy laugh as she stands, smoothing her dress over her stomach. "Hey. I know this was rough, and I wish our talks didn't always end so stressfully, but I do think you'll be a fantastic uncle. With allowances for Penny and Leal, there's nobody I'd trust more to make sure my daughter was cared for if something happened to me. And I mean it."

A flick of a wrist, and a familiar portal opens in the wall, the Hotel's lobby visible through a shimmery haze. It could have gone worse, all things considered.

Alastor

"I doubt we'll need to have any other conversations on this. It's not like we have anything else to discuss on the topic." A crooked smile, but a slightly pained one. "Just let me know when the first PTA meeting is!" And out he goes.

Valera

[[ NOT LIKE SHE CAN DUMP HIM ON TELLY'S SHIP BUT SHE *WISHES*

Alastor

((He's gonna be teleporting himself STRAIGHT to Telly's ship anyway))

#((warning for suicidal ideation. ... this thread went some places ok)) #autokrates #chat log

[vands38]

things i wish someone told me about coeliac disease (UK edition)

apparently some doctors are still not telling coeliacs what they actually need to know so here’s some fun facts --

*coeliac disease is likely to go undiagnosed if you don’t have digestive symptoms. for a lot of folks, their first symptoms are odd things like weight loss, bloating, mouth ulcers etc that take ages for doctors to correctly diagnose as coeliac disease. I know someone whose only sign was tingling in her fingers (nerve problems are a Thing sometimes). I don’t wanna freak folks out but check this list of symptoms and if you’re worried, ask your doc for a blood test to check for coeliac disease. I went in and out of my docs for years with various symptoms (mostly from the anaemia) and no one caught it until I was finally having noticeable digestive trouble.

* coeliac disease an autoimmune disease. not an allergy. not an intolerance. when you eat gluten, your gut just screams NOPE and throws everything out of there.

* this means if you keep eating gluten you will have serious long-term health problems because your gut can't absorb shit 

* as I mentioned, anaemia is one of these associated health problems. a lot of people have this at diagnosis b/c your gut hasn’t been absorbing the nutrients it needs. it leaves you very weak and tired, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. 

* long-term anaemia / malnutrition causes so many fucking health problems I can't list them all. basically, if your body sucks, there's a good chance it's a side-effect of your coeliac disease going undiagnosed. I got shitty joints and a shitty heart and shitty bones and godknowswhatelse and every time my doc is like "hey, guess what? it’s coeliac disease!"

* you know what a common side effect is? LACTOSE INTOLERANCE. this is because, once again, your gut hates you from all that gluten you've been killing it with, so it starts to muck around and kick out other things too. but good news! most of the time this is reversible!!! lay off any lactose for a couple of months, reintroduce it to your diet slowly, and you -- like me -- might be a-ok 

*some folks with coeliac disease can’t digest oats either as they contain a similar protein. I found that I was kinda squiffy with them at first but as soon as my gut had calmed down I was a-ok with GF oats (this is good b/c 99% of good GF biscuits are made with oat flour, RIP to everyone that can’t eat them)

* so... your bones are probably fucked. if you were diagnosed early and your doctors are on it, you might be okay but for a lot of people it means osteopenia, and further down the line, osteoporosis (meaning it's v easy to break bones). you need to be eating, like, double the regular amount of calcium every day. most people are put on calcium tablets with combined vitamin D (to help absorb the calcium) but even on top of that, you need to be getting a lot in your diet. If you're still lactose intolerant then switch to lacto-free versions of dairy products or eat tofu like there's no tomorrow. It's super important that you get enough.

* relatedly, bone health!!! You should be doing MODERATE impact exercises like jogging to strengthen the bones but nothing high-impact like tennis. load-bearing exercises are good too. here’s some examples (in detail) given to me by the rheumatology dept

* people have different sensitivity levels. in the UK, certified gluten-free products have to be 20 parts per million or less, but in the US this is 100! marmite lives somewhere between these two and can cause some coeliacs to have a reaction. please be aware when you eat international gluten-free foods that they might have more parts per million than your body is used to

* because you're super sensitive to gluten, not only do you need to check the bold allergens on the ingredients, but the small print too. it might say "made in a factory that handles gluten" or "may contain traces of gluten" and that’s a no-go

* similarly, be careful in restaurants. Apparently it's still perfectly legal for restaurants to say a dish is "gluten free" and then put your nice GF bread in the same fucking toaster as regular bread and have you shitting your pants for days. Just because the ingredients are GF doesn't mean they're cooking it in an allergen-conscious manner. If its not a Coeliac UK certified restaurant, always ask about their methods. Is that milkshake made in a GF blender? Is your fry-up cooked in a separate pan? The first time I got glutened after my diagnosis it was because my GF naan bread shared a tray with a regular one. A lot of places won't even fucking think about this stuff.

* if you're in a gluten-eating household, you've got a big expense coming up. you need to buy a GF toaster at the very least and I would recommend also a separate baking tray (because pizzas, garlic breads etc stick to that shit like no tomorrow) and a saucepan (or anything else that regularly contains pasta/noodles/etc). You'll also need a separate bread knife and board. Separate butter. Separate strainer if you're the type to drain your pasta. Line anything suspicious (e.g.your sandwich toaster, a communal baking tray) with baking parchment. Don’t use bare rungs in your oven or hob. And buy separate spreads and condiments, unless your household is very well trained in not dipping their crumb-covered knives into those things. I've even got separate plates, kitchen utensils, and cutlery. It seems extreme but I haven't had a cross-contamination incident since. Just think: has gluten touched this? And if so, do your best to minimise the risk.

* living GF is expensive long-term too. GF bread costs twice as much as regular bread. Restaurants often charge extra for GF alternatives. I had to switch from having toast in the morning to cereal because it's much more reasonably priced. I eat more fruit than I ever have before just because GF snacks cost so much. I used to have breakfast bars lol say goodbye to that shit unless you wanna be broke

* things I didn't realise I couldn't eat: crisps (a lot of your standard crisps are made with ??? production methods), candied nuts (most of these are made in factories that handle gluten), soy sauce, strawberry laces and a whole bunch of fave sweets (contain wheat starch to bind them - check this list for safe sweets), marmite (you can buy a GF yeast extract that is only 50% worse than the original)

*good food you actually can eat: most cadburys but not most nestle, GF beer which tastes exactly the same, schar pretzels are actually the shit, so are their BBQ pringles and those little chocolate bars with hazelnuts, Morrisons free from frozen mini hash browns will cure your depression, M&S do these bacon tortilla rolls which... OH BOY. Quiche alternatives are pretty damn good but I've yet to find a pizza that doesn't make me want to cry.

*speaking of supermarkets... Morrisons stock a good range of stuff and tend to have everything in one aisle, M&S have many yummy (and expensive) treats, Sainsbury's has good own brand things including bread, Tesco's are fairly decent and stock a lot of baking things, ASDA are the king of GF cake, if you're still lacto-free then Waitrose sell LF cheese including halloumi, and check your your local hippy food store because I found the best goddamn bread in mine (Incredible Bakery Company - you are £4.50 a loaf but I have no regrets)

*party risks: if there's a BBQ, insist that your things go first or have a separate BBQ, or, if worse comes to worse, just eat cold snacks. (Beware of sausages! Many aren't GF!) If its a chip and dip situation, either everything has to be GF (easily done) or have your own dip. BUFFETS ARE LITERALLY OUR WORST NIGHTMARE. the amount of coeliacs I know that have been glutened at one are INSANE. even if those tasty treats are labelled 'gluten free' they've probably be contaminated. everything at a goddamn buffet is contaminated. Dinner party? Well meaning friends will want to cook for you but unless their kitchen is set up as above, it's safer to bring your own food -- if you're very lucky, you will have friends who take the time to learn about allergens and will clean every item in their kitchen before cooking and serving an entire GF meal. these friends are to be treasured -- nay, worshipped.

*fast food. there’s no good way to put this but you’re never having that guilty pleasure 2am burger again. mcdonalds fries are miraculously GF though. (a lot of takeaways recycle oil so even if the ingredients are GF it’s often not safe but mcdonalds always use a separate fryer for chips). indian takeaway is great as most dishes don’t contain gluten. on the flip side, you’ll only be able to have about 5 items on the chinese menu (soy sauce is in everything, yo) so be prepared to learn those 5 items by heart. dominoes do Coeliac UK certified GF pizza!!! (buuuuut not during covid). chains like pizza express have got our back and will even serve you GF doughballs

*coeliac UK are your best friend! most of the things I’ve mentioned are described in detail on their website. they also have a barcode scanner app that will tell you if foods are safe, and they have a restaurant guide, and useful things like translation guides for when you go abroad. 

That's all I've got right now but hmu with any questions or corrections. Take care of yourself, folks. <3

#coeliac disease #celiac disease #gluten free #info post #allergens #i just could not see another incorrect comment on the coeliac uk facebook page without doing something #i'm sorry #i'm well aware this is of interest to approx three followers #but #someone might need to hear all this #because my god i definitely did when i got diagnosed #long post

[beautifulbuckys]

Bravo, baby

Request: “Can you do a youtuber reader x steve rogers where They do boyfriend does my make up? :))”

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Fluff? Loooots of fluff, some bad humor

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Youtuber!Reader

You heard your camera give a small beep, it's now or never.

"Hey, guys!" You waved at the camera propped on a stack of books in front of you. "It's Y/N! Today, I'm back with my boyfriend Steve!"

Steved waved at the camera with a bright smile. He was beaming. "Hey, everyone!" He cheered.

You grinned at him. "Alrighty, so here's what we're doing. I get it's 2014, but I wanted to do a 'boyfriend does my makeup' video! I figured it'd be fun, and I actually think Steve will be really good at this!"

Steve let out a chuckle and shook his head playfully. He watched you talk to the camera with such care. You had lots of fun doing these videos. Filming was one of your greatest joys, you always beamed before you did it. However, Steve's favourite part of your job was when you got ideas. You eyes would shine as bright as the stars, and your smile would reach your temples. You'd always bounce out of your seat to grab your small orange notebook and write the idea down. Steve called it your 'notion notebook'.

"Okay!" You said after you finished explaining what was going to be doing. "I bought a few more supplies because it was a coincidence that I was running out,"

You dumped out a bag of a few flashy eye shadow pallets, two beauty blenders and a new highlighter.

Steve immediately grabbed a beauty blender and unpackaged it, shoving it in his mouth.  "What is this? A bright pink glamorized marsh mello?" Steve questioned. He knew it was a beauty blender, he's dated you long enough to know. It was all in good fun.

"Steve!" you gasped, playfully slapping on his shoulder.

Steve started sticking his tongue out. "This thing is taking all the moisture out of my mouth!" He announced for you to hear.

You laughed, the sound bouncing off the fairy-light covered walls. Your laugh was always music to Steve's ears, especially you belly laugh. It's the way he could tell that you were having a good time, that you're enjoying yourself.

"Then spit it out, genius!"

Steve spit out the beauty blender.

"I wonder if he's going to stick my bronzer down his throat," You spurt with amusement, making eye contact to the camera.

He looked at you, with a curious glint in his eyes. That comment made him want to prove you wrong.

"Oh no," You mumbled to the camera, "He has his game face on,"

"If I'm going to do it, I'm going to be the best at it!" Steve declared, sounding confident and ready-to-go.

"You heard it here first folks! Steve Rogers is going to be a makeup artist overnight,"

"Okay, where do I start?" Steve questioned, antsy to do something so fun. You never really let him touch your makeup, in the container or on your face. He understood, it took time. Makeup was an art he just didn't understand, so he respected your request. He also understood how expensive makeup was. Whenever you were with Okoye and Nakia, you'd tell them how pricy makeup is. They wore very little, and whenever they saw you, they'd compliment yours. So you always told them about where you shopped. You'd also occasionally bring them gifts from Ulta and Sephora, telling them it was a treat for being so awesome.

"Breaking news, Steve Rogers, self-proclaimed makeup artist, doesn't actually know how to do makeup!"

He laughed, awaiting the real answer. He knew you'd actually tell him, but your viewers needed something to laugh at. You clarified, telling Steve he had freedom. You were no makeup guru, you didn't have a specific routine to follow. He could do whatever he wanted. He was going to have a blast.

Steve's hands almost immediately went to your foundation. He looked up at you for approval, and all you did was nod. He liked that you gave him freedom, he really loved it actually. However, he was still disoriented and overwhelmed. That would not falter his confidence, though.

"That's concealer, baby," You informed him, hoping to settle any confusion.

He playfully scoffed. "I knew that! It says concealer on the bottle!"

"Oh I'm sorry," You retorted with a wide grin on your face. "Who knew, maybe being 101 affected your eyesight a little. I was being a good girlfriend!"

"Ouch, that's cold," Steve growled with playfulness. He'd fake being grumpy sometimes, all for fun. Especially when you'd make fun of his age. He didn't mind, it was just for a joke and he understood the comedy of his age. Not everyone looked thirty even though they lived through the Great Depression. He didn't understand why it was funny at first. But you were the one to sit him down and remind him that he was 99, yet he looked like some 29-year-old male fitness model. Then he got the memo, it was hilarious because it was odd and unnatural.

You giggled as Steve squirted your foundation onto the beauty blender. The colour popped from the aqua applier. He made sure he didn't use the one that was previously in his mouth, that's just disgusting.

He reached up to your face with the bright applier, dabbing it twice on both cheeks and your forehead. Then, he slowly blended it together, going back and applying some extra to your nose. He dabbed and rubbed your face, constantly looking to see how it looked. Once he was satisfied, he reached for a small, brownish looking powder.

"This is," He paused, examining it, "contour?"

You nodded, surprised. "You'd be correct!"

"For an old man, I'm pretty good at guessing what makeup is what," Steve chuckled.

"Oh, so when I call you an old man I'm mean! But when you call yourself an old man you're the funniest man alive,"

Steve laughed.

"Looks like you're dating the funniest man alive!"

For the next fifteen minutes, this is all that happened. Steve would find some makeup, guess what it was, banter with you, and then apply it.  He couldn't help but think how entertaining it would be to your wonderful viewers. Not only would the banter be laughable, but his awful attempt at eyeliner would be amusing.

Just like that, Steve was finished. You closed your eyes for Steve to see the damage. Your foundation was well blended, matching your complexion beautifully. The contour he applied made your cheekbones look amazing. He did your eyeshadow with close precision. You had deep blue fading into violet, which faded into a beautiful pink. It looked like a sunset straight out of a nature documentary. Steve also did your lipstick and eyeliner, which was entertaining for you. It was so hard to not laugh the entire time.

Your lipstick matched your eyeshadow. It was a pinkish-purple colour, not quite either. He lined it with a blue eyeliner you had, so it pulled the look together, while still being unique. The weakest point of your look. It was messy and all over the place, but it makes the look original and hard to copy. You loved the imperfection, Steve resented it.

"I'm deciding not to do mascara, for both your safety but also mine," Steve stated, putting down the eyeliner pen he had in his hand.

"How would you be harmed if you did my mascara?" You questioned, curious for his answer.

"I stab your eye, you stab me," He replied, looking directly into the camera like he was on The Office. Goddamn him and the millennial humour that he learned two weeks ago. You haven't heard the end of Office references since he binged the entire show with Natasha and Sharon. He sometimes drops them without even realizing, and this was an example.

You nod your head with a smirk.

"Yeah, seems about right. Good call, Stevie," You reply.

"Alright guys, I'm no artist, but please tell me how I did in the comments. I'll read them and reply to them with my obvious appreciation of any constructive criticism, this obviously isn't my field."

"I think you did pretty good, baby. You're an artist, I think it shows," You objected.

Steve blushed at you. Sure, he was an artist, but he was used to big canvasses and paintbrushes. You only have your face and tiny brushes for your colourful powers and liquids you apply to your face liquid.

"Alright guys, I have one more thing I want to do before I end this video!"

"Oh God, I think she's gonna kill me! It was nice knowing you all!" Steve joked.

"Steve!" You blurted.

"Sorry baby, as you were saying?"

Y/N took your blue eyeliner pen in your hand. You took the cap off with a pop and looked at Steve. You saw the fear deep in his ocean coloured eyes.

"You're going to do my eyeliner?" Steve asked with worry, he bet you could do it better than him, but he was also scared because that thing is pointy.

You shook your head and turned his face to see his cheek. You put your hand underneath his jaw to stabilize and started writing on Steve's cheek. He tried to stay as still as possible. You let him do your entire face, the least he could do is deal with a blue message on his cheek. You wrote for a few minutes, occasionally messing up and wiping it off. It was either a spelling mistake, or you didn't like how the handwriting looked. He was almost certain it was because of the handwriting.

You tapped on his cheek to show you were done and looked at him with a wide smile plastered on your face. He tried to see what the message was in your camera's viewfinder, but it was too small.

"Want a mirror, babe?"

"Yes, please!"

You handed him a small mirror that you used to apply your makeup in the room you two shared. He placed it on the desk in front of you and bent down, leaning into the mirror. He read the message written on his cheek, trying not to smudge it.

You're going to be a Daddy!

Tears dripped down Steve's cheeks and shock flooded over him. He looked at you, and you nodded. You were also crying, smiling as you were doing so.

"Y/N...are you serious?" He asked, joy obvious in his question. He could barely contain his excitement.

"Completely," You responded, hugging him.

Once he escaped your warm, comfortable hug, he looked into the camera again. He shared his thoughts, raving about how excited he was to have a baby with his girl.

"When did you find out?!" Steve had so many questions. Some of them were not to be asked on camera. He thought that your viewers might want to track with you, so he thought that would be a good question to ask on camera. Heck, it's probably the only question he would ask on camera. You two needed your privacy from the internet. Luckily, your viewers understood.

"A month ago," You squealed. "This is how I planned on telling you,"

He grabbed your face, placing a huge kiss on your lips. He would keep going, but there was a gremlin in the back of his head reminding him that there was a camera. It was a bonus that the camera was recording.

"Oh my God, I'm so happy!" Steve shouted.

You looked at the camera, with the biggest, goofiest smile. "You guys can't feel it, but he's literally shaking in his stool. He is a phone on vibration mode,"

"That's an odd metaphor," Steve expressed.

"Leave me alone, I'm pregnant," You laugh.

Steve looked at you, his eyes hinting he was ready for this video to be over. You got the signal. Turning back to the camera, you waved. "Alright, that wraps up this weeks video! Leave a comment below about how you think Steve did! Please like and subscribe down below, it's much appreciated and makes me strive to produce more content. Alrighty, that's all! Peace out, babes!"

"Bravo babe, now tell me about this baby,"

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