#the way i convinced myself i was aroace so i had a reason to be alone lmaoooo | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starz4valen · 4 months

Text

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community #in need of advice #queer advice #aroace #aromantic #asexual #bisexual #questioning #help. me.#utterly confused 💥

15 notes · View notes

sickknotdoom · 3 months

Note

i love sparklecare ( i really do ) but i don't understand the cometcare au at all and i don't get its hype. the designs look SO rushed ( like it was put together in a 10 minute art challenge ) and is it just me or. is the art style progressively getting worse ( for both sparklecare and cometcare ). i hate how random cometcare is too, i tried reading it and my brain got so fried. i had no idea what was happening. i loved cometcare at first, it was cool when it was JUST pollarrydoomi then they threw in these random ass characters and went "oh yeah. ur dating and have a child." ???? especially with hemera, the only (?) aroace character, why is she with caroline and why does she have a kid. adding hemera and miley into the mix was SUCH a bad idea. also. caroline x doom???? carruni s/x canon ( even though uni is aegosexual/asexual ... ) cometcare had so much potential and it all went down the drain by adding 10 thousand nearsiblings

FORGIVE ME FOR HOW LONG THIS RESPONSE IS

ive been saying exactly this ever since i found out about the cometcare au. literally everybody has a million children with everyone else and im like. why.

this may be a controversial opinion but i am not a fan of carroom (caroline x doom) in the slightest, since caroline is literally shown to hate doom in the main comic. literally all of their interactions involve caroline insulting doom, not to mention the earlier half of volume three.

i know enemies to lovers is a thing but if somebody chucked a full bucket of puke on my head, and then gave my sister this Judgemental Ass Look for offering to clean it up, i would honestly Kill Them. regardless of if they secretly had a crush on me or i secretly had a crush on them or whatever. you cannot convince me these two dont fucking hate eachother.

also i mean this in the most respectful way possible but i feel like theyre sorta erasing carolines sexuality with this? i may be attracted exclusively to men, but allow me to speak for a bit.

i am not at all trying to invalidate dooms agender identity, but. speaking as someone whos agender myself. i look exactly like a cis man. i am assigned male at birth, my testosterone is absolutely thriving since im going through puberty, i look like a man and i have zero intent to ever change that. if someone was NOT attracted to men, they would NOT be attracted to me, regardless of me actually being agender. especially not if i Tortured And Murdered Their Friends.

this isnt invalidating dooms gender identity nor is it invalidating mine, im definitely into something here. as someone whos gay (nblm) i wouldnt instantly develop a crush on lizzo if she came out as agender, especially not after the fucked up shit she did. now apply this to carroom, and miloom (miley x doom). but mainly carroom.

i understand carruni since unis a closeted trans woman, but thats different from carroom in a lot of ways. it would make sense for uni to not alter her gender expression as long as shes in the closet, since she isnt ready to explain to anyone else what she really is to anybody else. caroline and uni have an extremely deep bond too, so ofcourse shed come out to caroline first, and ofcourse theyd develop crushes on eachother. in the future (going off of au's and such), when uni is out of the closet, she is shown to present as her authentic self, and she. does a really good job at it. shes fucking gorgeous in cometcare. so it makes sense for caroline to be attracted to her.

and also uni isnt a serial killer. caroline seems to really dislike serial killers to the point where shed throw full buckets of vomit on them, which is. reasonable.

however again, unis aegosexual (if i recall correctly, uni and hemera are the only characters confirmed to be on the asexual spectrum as of volume four, not including characters that havent appeared yet) so it feels wrong to explicitly sexualize her regardless, especially if the clowns are "uncomfortable" with fans doing the same.

while were on this topic, agreed. hemera (the only aroace character in the entire sparklecare universe so far, including au's last time i checked) has like four other partners in cometcare. i dont think thats a very good idea considering they made it a point to explicitly point out her being aromantic in volume two.

and yeah, the artstyle has been very clearly degrading, i have another post about that.

how the fuck do i end this

#sparklecriticism #sparklecare criticism #.png.svg

4 notes · View notes

defensivelee · 3 months

Text

having a fucking moment out here tonight so heres a rant uncalled for

tw for csa and maybe internalized aphobia? idfk

and ig I talk about six lives a bit so there's that

it's such a weird experience being aroace and a csa survivor... like I know there is an automatic revulsion to anything sexual irl (in fiction I am obv more than ok with it) but I don't know where that's from

I think on occasion that the reason there's such a strong aversion is bc of the csa. it definitely fucks with me in multiple ways but that is one thing that I REALLY don't like to think about, that I'm aspec bc of that. for me that is something I don't want to be. there's always talk about how ace people just have sexual trauma, and yeah a lot of people do and are ace. it's valid asf for them but for me I just shy away from the explanation. it feels like I'm enforcing a stereotype, and I KNOW that's bad thinking and I'm trying to shake myself off of it but it's where my head ends up anyway. I constantly... without any words rlly... apologize to myself for this. I don't want to ever have to explain me being aspec, and that includes to myself.

writing William in six lives has weirdly helped with that, tbh he's helped with a ton. but this kind of puts all my issues in someone else and I can view this in an almost detached manner. he's ace, also a csa survivor, but what I really enjoy seeing is that despite this he can still fuck. I wanted him to be someone who simultaneously cares too much and yet too little about sex with other people. I think his whole careless-yet-cautious attitude about it is smth I wish I had, which tbh isn't great... he brushes it off for himself and yet cannot stand it in the moment. the main thing I think I like is that he can still do it at all, that despite everything he's not completely 'ruined,' a bit of an awful mindset in his especially aphobic society. I can't even have that.... and again, this is just me being fucking awful to myself, I love all aspecs

I just hate the idea that what happened to me impacted me like that, forever. I don't want to give my abuser any kind of power and it feels like this is what's happening. but I think ultimately (and very often in times like these).... I would have been aspec either way. being ace just feels so right. for ME, at least, I know it wouldn't feel that way if my experiences caused that

it's something William struggles with too. he's not at all certain why he's 'broken'... in fact, in this society, being ace isn't really a well known thing and sex is like. rlly important to them. and this just further convinces him that the csa is the prime reason, everybody else fucks and is happy and feels attraction, and like me he hates that idea. that the man who hurt him then is still ruining his life now. and even more so bc he also feels that this is just who he is, no one else had a say. but someone did and it's not fucking fair

I like to see this conflict in him, it's very cathartic for me to see it spelled out, and more importantly validating bc he just wants to be happy in that identity, like I want to be and for the most part usually am. I feel how angry he is, but for this righteously so and I write with that anger

he also would have been ace either way. bc of this society's refusal to address this tho it might take him a while to realize that this is him and he's not broken and he's fine.

maybe one day I'll write this realization bc just thinking about it makes me cry happy tears

#vent cw #sheep stop projecting on men who died centuries ago and have no business being in your crazy universe challenge

5 notes · View notes

unfortunately-i-exist · 4 months

Text

This is totally random but for some reason it’s been weighing on me to share my thanks for Rick Riordan, Markiplier, and SHSLBlaze (originally a Danganronpa YouTuber, they do more diverse content now) mostly as well as Danganronpa in general and share the story of why I’m so grateful, because without those things I think I would have spiraled into a much, much worse mental state in the 8th grade.

At that point in my life, it was nearly the end of the school year, and I was questioning my sexual identity. As I learned that more and more of the people I had grown to care for over the years came to terms with their own sexualities and shared them with me, I decided to learn more and more about the LGBTQ community. I live in a very conservative Christian household, and I myself am definitely Christian, but I do not agree with my mom’s beliefs on homosexuality and the LGBTQ as a whole. My mom is a firm believer in “love the sinner, hate the sin”. (She has said to me multiple times “I’m friends with gay people!” And she doesn’t actively persecute them, but still. She talks bad about LGBTQ as a whole.)

As I was questioning myself, and unlearning my internalized homophobia (I was perfectly fine with others being LGBTQ but I felt that it would be taboo to be it myself), I had a conversation with a trusted lesbian friend of mine who was out. For the past two years since then, I have I believed that a teacher and close family friend of mine was the one who overheard and told my mom that I was talking about potentially being LGBTQ. I only recently found out that she did not, and instead there were rumors going around that I was Bi (I was questioning if I was, I now identify as Aroace [but I still adore the idea of romance and smut]). Another student’s mother told my mom about these rumors. Instead of coming to me gently and asking me about it, my mom took me aside in the car one day at my older brothers’ tennis match with my stepdad and proceeded to yell—maybe not yell, but in my house, a raised voice is yelling—at me to convince me that I wasn’t. Eventually I just relented and agreed that I wasn’t gay. (Her main point was the sexual attraction to girls part, which legitimately made me uncomfortable to think about, but when I actually thought about doing it with someone with male genitals I was also uncomfortable with the idea.) The next day, she made me text my two closest friends, who I was already starting to drift away from as my personality began to change and I began to have stronger hyperfixations on certain things, and break ties with them because they were both LGBTQ. After that, it was the same story with most of my friends. I was almost alone going in to high school.

I was already well into the Percy Jackson fandom and I’m pretty sure I had read all the way through Trials of Apollo by that point.

I had had some points of depression before, but a change began after those few days. I started searching and looking for any kind of escape from the world where I didn’t feel so alone. I wasn’t actually allowed to watch YouTube, but I needed some way to escape. I had heard of Markiplier and I knew he was famous, so I started checking out his content, and his demeanor and his love for his fans and content kept me from thinking too dark in those days. I was also searching for danganronpa content because I wanted to get to know that series because I had seen the anime and one youtuber’s playthrough of the games, but I needed to fill the void of content, and somehow I stumbled across one of SHSLBlaze’s Fangan reactions. I watched, and I was hooked. They were funny, and they always had this air of excitement around them. They made me smile when it felt too hard to do so.

So I wanted to thank these creators, even if they never see this, because I honestly might have been driven too far back then without them.

There are a million more things I feel like I want to say, but I’ll leave it at this:

Thank you. Thank you to the creators who didn’t know it, but kept a kid alive.

#rick riordan #markiplier #shslblaze #deep talks #mental health #childhood trauma #thank you

2 notes · View notes

elapach24 · 2 years

Text

Things I’ve got to say about Harry Potter series (Part 1)

So I’ve been rereading the HP Series (again) but this time in English, yet before I had read it in Spanish only.

I just finished The Prisoner of Azkaban, and I felt like blogging a bit about it. And I hope to post something else when I finish the Half-Blood Prince or so.

First time I read this book I didn’t get too emotional, though it’s one of my favorites from this series; I’m not sure about the other times, but this, this hit me hard. Especially about what Lupin had to get through all after James and Lily’s dead.

So here are the things (without any order):

I almost cried when Lupin saw the Marauders’ Map for first time in 16 years or so. I can’t explain how much nostalgia and sadness I felt he was feeling.

I screamed when Lupin got to the Shrieking Shack and found Sirius for first time in 12 years. I don’t ship Wolfstar, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t get how much they value each other; and, at that exact moment, I felt that Lupin focused all the marauders friendship in Sirius and Sirius only.

I can’t believe I didn’t cry properly. But I haven’t cried over a book in my entire life, so…

Almost every Romione shipper use to talk about Ron noticing all about the Time-Turner along the school year, but we don’t talk enough about Ron giving Pigwidgeon to Crookshanks to make sure he was truthful.

Yeah but Ginny made a card for Harry after he fell from his broomstick because of the dementors. Tell me she’s not the most romantic character of the series (in a healthy way). I love her.

All Weaslys are so cute, I need one.

About the three books I’ve reread, I’m amazed how all the clues for everything to get resolved are connected and hidden through the pages, and how you don’t see them until the third time you read the books or so.

I know it’s on trend to hay Dumbledore, but he’s fascinating, as person and as a character, even when he doesn’t do the best, the right, the kindest thing he could do, he’s got his reasons and is convinced of them.

Hermione it’s more annoying in the English version. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, I do, she’s probably my second favorite HP character, but dude, calm down.

JK had a lot of internalized misogyny to show in her writing, hadn’t she?

I don’t like the eBook covers, no reason, just don’t give the right vibes Ig.

Sirius Black is romsexfavorable aroace in my mind, and you can’t change it. My mind, my aroace headcanon.

Now, I can’t detach myself from the Harry Potter Series. Yes, I feel sort of betrayed by Joanne, she’s taken a position against my community after years of defending minorities and oppressed groups. But these books saved my life in a no figurative way. I’m sorry if I’m offending someone by keep consuming her content, but this literally means so much for me, too much more than what she has said and tweet; even when all this matter has affect me deeply (I kinda had her in a pedestal), I can’t.

#harry potter #hp series #jk rowling #the prisoner of azkaban #aroace #aroace headcanons #romione #rereading #sirius black #hinny #ginny my queen weasley #All Weaslys are so cute #i need one

47 notes · View notes

snowysobsessions · 7 months

Text

A little while ago I said I was changing labels and I'd explain later, when I had more energy. Said time is now, so get ready for a long one.

I'd been rethinking all aspects of my gender and sexuality (except being Agender) the last two months or so. Trying to pin down why exactly I wasn't fully comfortable yet. So I'll just go one by one.

Demiromantic -> Aromantic: A part of my brain insisted that I simply "hadn't met the right person yet" and that was why I'd never felt romantically about anyone. But when I learned about Queer Platonic Relationships everything changed. I realized the one person I thought I had a crush on wasn't a crush at all. Without even knowing about them, a QPR was actually what I wanted with that person. I think also crushes and romance are so widely accepted as "something everyone experiences" that I'd unknowingly assumed I just hadn't had a strong enough connection with anyone yet to develop feelings. I am happy with letting it go so far. I don't think romance is for me.

Demisexual -> Greysexual: I will admit my understanding of sexual attraction was just never very good. Especially pre-surgery, when any sexual arousal or thoughts of being in a sexual situation I felt made me deeply uncomfortable. On top of this I misinterpreted preferring partners that I know personally/friends, or wanting to get to know someone first, as Demisexuality. Despite reading many times that these aren't the same things. Also sometimes I would get really stressed out because I became attracted to a stranger. I feeling pretty good about this change. I think my levels of sexual attraction are just very low compared to an Allosexual, but still there nonetheless.

Lesbian -> Straight: Okay, this is the big one. I had been trying for a long time to make being a lesbian work for me, but I'd been trying for the wrong reasons. Long explanation short, I'm around a lot of Feminist people and gay people. So for a very long time I heard "Women good, men bad." And for the last couple years I was also surrounded by "Gay good, straight bad." And thus my brain said "Well then we can't be masc/male and straight because then no one would like us. Everyone around us likes women and gay people more than anyone else." So I convinced myself that I "had to" be a Nonbinary Lesbian if I was attracted to women. Because Lesbians can be Nonbinary, and Lesbians can be masculine. But I was only trying to fit myself in a box that was the wrong shape for me. It probably didn't help that every person I personally knew under the Nonbinary umbrella was Ace, Aroace, Pan, or Bi. And frequently Nonbinary OCs I saw float by in my feed were always either gay or pan/bi. I think I like not being gay better. My attraction to women/girls feels kinda half MLW and half NBLW, but not in a queer way if that makes sense. It's in the way that this is just how I am.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. We will now be returning to your infrequently scheduled posts.

#snowy speaks #queer #long post #personal post #aromantic #greysexual #straight #agender

6 notes · View notes

braceletofteeth · 2 years

Note

is that the aroace flag in your icon? can you talk about why you chose it for moonjo? genuinely interested in your hc for him

Hello, anon!

Yes, that would be correct. This is the most popular flag used by aromantic asexuals. I’m happy that you recognized it, and I’m glad you asked about my headcanon, because so far I’ve talked about it here and there, but, until now, I’ve never delved much in the subject (to people other than myself).

The reason why I chose the aroace flag for Seo Moonjo is because I believe he may be part of both the asexual and aromantic spectrums, for not experiencing sexual and romantic attractions, or experiencing them in a way that comes as non-traditional in comparison to that of allosexual and alloromantic people.

To begin with, when it comes to sexual attraction, I feel inclined to say he feels it absentmindedly, faintly, or that he generally doesn’t experience it. He may be able to recognize when a body is aesthetically pleasing by common public criteria, or in his own criterion (if he has that), but he doesn’t necessarily feel an urge to do something about it (**sexually, I must specify, because Moonjo, being Moonjo, may still desire to work on a body in some artistic/intellectual capacity, in response to his compulsion to break and rebuild things (that’s not the topic in hand, though, so let’s save it for another day)).

That’s the default, I’d say, but only in general conditions. And I put it that way, with room for change, for exceptions, because I also believe that the possibility of Moonjo’s sexual attraction would rely on context. It would depend not on how physically attractive a person is (considered to be), but rather in specific circumstances / a specific connection.

Therefore, because the nature of this type attraction is conditional (to something beyond gender), I often refer to Moonjo’s sexuality as “graysexual” (sexual attraction depends on particular circumstances) or “demisexual” (sexual attraction only becomes a possibility after some type of connection is formed).

Despite these personal preferences, I have also seen another plausible term being brought up inside the fandom to refer to Moonjo’s sexuality, being it, for your information’s sake, encephalosexual, which is also a sexuality under the umbrella of the ace spectrum, and refers to individuals that need to feel a mental attraction towards someone, or bond intellectually with them, in order to later develop sexual attraction. This “intellectual bond” can be formed over shared wisdom, interests, aspirations, hobbies, etc., and even though not all of us are convinced Moonjo is part of the asexual spectrum, everyone was a witness to Moonjo and Jongwoo’s intellectual bond, so this idea has a strong theoretical foundation.

In all honesty, I don’t worry much about the label. The most important part I usually focus on is the fact that Moonjo experiences (or doesn't) sexual attraction different than most, which is enough to define oneself as asexual, even if a person is not completely sure about what “different” implies in their case.

Now, moving on, in regards to Moonjo’s aromanticism... I must first admit that I’ve only recently come to terms with it. Before, I was torn between thinking “no way someone can fall in love so easily, so fast, and be aromantic” and acknowledging that he had too many aromantic traits to be anything but aromantic.

One of the factors that helped me end the conflict was my reexamination of an older headcanon, about Moonjo already feeling romantically attracted to Jongwoo during their first meeting. Lately, in contradiction to that, I have been giving more credit to the idea of him gradually falling in love through the week, as Jongwoo’s true self distinguished him from Moonjo’s past projects.

It made me consider that, in alignment with his sexual attraction, perhaps his romantic attraction could also depend on specific circumstances / bonds.

And to that conclusion some people may reply “well, wasn’t that an obvious leap?”, to which I feel obligated to clarify here that, although for allosexual and alloromantic people their sexual and romantic attractions are almost always aligned with each other, with aroaces is a common thing to find discrepancies between one and the other. We should never assume that someone’s romantic attraction defines their sexual attraction, and vice versa.

Still speaking of Moonjo’s romantic attraction, now. It may be infrequent, but it isn’t feeble, when he does feel it. For some aromantics, especially grayromantics, it can come as a light pull, easily dismissed and forgettable, but that didn't seem to be Moonjo’s case.

Let’s keep in mind, however, that Moonjo, being aromantic, may have a hard time distinguishing (what he thinks that is) romantic attraction from something else, which could be another type of attraction (platonic, aesthetic), an obsession, or a different desire. His desire for (worthy) companionship, for example, could have led him to want a romantic relationship, despite never having felt romantic attraction in the past. It could have led him (as well as me) to imagine he had fallen in love, when in reality it could have been nothing more than “wishful thinking”.

It can be hard to tell the difference. When you're aromantic, the line between what is romantic and what is non-romantic may be unclear, which brings you to draw your own line, come up with your own definition of romantic love (that you may or may not be favorable to), or accept the definition of others, even if you don’t understand it, or if their definition makes you indifferent or repulsed by the idea of romance.

Moonjo appears to me like someone who came up with his very own definition of love, in order to explain what he felt—an unfamiliar feeling, difficult to place, because he had no precedent of his to compare it to. Perhaps he had felt something similar in the past, but not quite like it; never directed at someone. Only things—not people (and the things that were once people didn’t count; the craving and the fascination were of a different kind, a new kind).

... And that’s pretty much it for this headcanon? I hope it made sense to you, anon. I’m sorry for using many terms you may not be familiar with, I tried to explain them to the best of my capabilities. If you have any doubts, or any questions at all (about this subject or something else), feel free to sent me another ask at any time.

Bye <3

#answered #strangers from hell #took me two non-consencutive days to write this but two months to approve it #still feels like I'm missing something but I can't figure out what #explaining the aroace experience through someone else's perspective is very hard I discovered #even if the person is Moonjo and I've been studying his mind for a long time now #I feel like I got a little lost by the end..........#why is romantic attraction so complicated 😩 I act like I know how it works but hdhjxjxhdh WHO knows

10 notes · View notes

scrawlingskribbles · 1 year

Text

like. hmm. I just feel like the relationship I have with polyamory is kinda interesting, I guess xD like, I know my memory is bad but if it serves me right then I might have even realized/recognized that I was polyam before I realized/recognized that I was aroace lmao, which feels like kind of a big deal, somehow?? but I suppose it's easier to recognize something that's present over something that's absent, you know? how are you supposed to know something's missing if you never knew it was "supposed" to be there in the first place?

((I'm still waiting to get a phonecall back from the doc, so I ended up rambling A LOT MORE than I originally thought I was going to with this post so I'm putting it under a readmore xD))

For instance, I have this one vivid memory from back in middle school where I was talking about polyamory with a friend while we were waiting in the lunch line once, & he basically thought I was absolutely bonkers when I attempted to describe it to him lololol. The one picture/diagram I found to help explain it is still in my phone to this day, 19th from the very start of my reel of 2000+ photos. I don't remember how I first found that image—maybe it had rolled across my tumblr dashboard at some point? Regardless, all I know is that as soon as I read it, it made something light up in my brain, a little aha! lightbulb that was like, Yes, This Makes Sense, This Is You.

And like, I'm sure that I had to have some kind of moment like that with being aroace, but I don't have any specific memory like I do with the polyam thing. It probably also doesn't help that for a long while before I realized I was aroace, I felt so broken/wrong/etc. that I'd made up this whole little narrative in my head that I was actually an android instead of a human & was just Missing that one "part" that everyone else seemed to have, that let/made them have those kinds of romantic feelings for others. (Like, I obviously didn't actually believe it, like it wasn't delusion-level or anything, but it Was how I coped with feeling so yucky during that time, letting myself pretend that I was a robot so it wouldn't hurt quite so much.) So I feel like the aroace realization/acceptance came a little more gradually, having to convince myself over time the more that I learned about it that I wasn't actually broken, just different, and working to chase away the residual negative thoughts/feelings that I'd already been living with for however long at that point. Those feelings still crop up from time to time, but it hasn't been a Genuine Issue for me in quite a long time, thankfully.

So I suppose I did feel that Absence Of Something for quite a while, but I just didn't have the language/knowledge to put a name to it at the time. With the polyamory though, it was something that had never really surfaced before, so when that nerve got struck for the first time it was only a Positive note, so maybe that's why I remember it more clearly? (Bc I wasn't even all that bothered with what that one friend thought about it; he just Didn't Get It, and that was fine. ...Okay, maybe it Was actually after the aroace discovery, bc that feels like the kind of backbone that I would have gotten After already figuring out one piece of my puzzle tbh, lmfao. Huh. Darn my shoddy memory xD).

It's also interesting to me because, like, kinda going back to the Absence vs. Presence thing, the polyamory part of me is like, way less... obvious, I guess? I don't think that's the right word but it's all I've got rn xD But like, I feel my aroace-ness every day (or like, at least every Week or so) by virtue of Not feeling attraction towards people. So it's so weird, amidst that vast void of non-attraction, to also feel just as strongly in my bones that I Am polyamorous. Like, there's quote-unquote ""evidence"" of me being aroace because I don't date or otherwise seek out romantic/etc. relationships, but there's no "evidence" of me being polyam because of almost the exact same reasoning xD Like, the way I am with polyamory is the same way that other people feel about their sexuality/attraction as a whole, which is amusing to me for some reason. People can know that they're straight or gay or bi or what-have-you even if they've never been with anyone of the stipulated gender(s), and I know that I'm polyamorous even though I've never been in a polyamorous relationship. Idk, it's just kind of a wild feeling for me, as someone who's far more familiar with the lack of feeling something xD

And like, is my polyamory actually linked specifically to my aroace-ness, no matter how oxymoronic it might seem at first glance? Is the polyamory a side effect or maybe even a coping mechanism of sorts, because I'm aware of my typical-relationship shortcomings as an aroace & sex-averse individual in a world of allos and don't mind the thought of Sharing a partner/partners, especially if that means they can meet each other's needs in ways that I personally can't, because I just want everyone to be happy? Is it a romanticization of the Two Cakes theory but with real human people managing to have open, honest, enjoyable relationships with one another simultaneously, because the more is still the merrier even if it's also more complicated? Is it a testament to my own selfishness/laziness, wanting to have my cake and eat it too, because more hands make lighter work and I can barely keep a simple friendship afloat, let alone anything """more""" than that? Is it an unrealistic idealization that, even though deep down I still feel those senses of being Broken and not anywhere near Enough on my own, someone or even multiple someones would still find my presence in their life(s) fulfilling enough to want to keep me around in a more intimate capacity than ""just"" a friend, because I still yearn for the closeness of a relationship like that even if I don't specifically feel the "attractions" that typically glues that kind of relationship together?

...I think it's probably All of the above, if I'm being perfectly honest. And that's a lot of feelings to have swirling all around at once, let me tell you xD So I guess that's why I had to word-vomit it all out here; there's no real point to this post, just sharing some thoughts/experiences that have been on my mind as of late. It's complicated inside this here noggin o' mine, lol~ TwT

#and if anyone actually makes it all the way through this wall of text: wow! you trooper xD hope it was at least somewhat interesting! <3 #long post #ramble #words #shut up Wisp

0 notes

confused-bi-queer · 2 years

Text

Mora EGP and thank you @captain-aralias for the tag, omg.

The second one is explicit, so warning there. I’d put it under the cut, but i haven’t figured out how to do that, so🤷🏻‍♀️

So... more @erotic-grope-fest , not sorry at all, but now, no foreplay, what about the after??

BAZ’s pov:)

“So, I guess you liked it?” he asks. He dares to fucking ask. How dare he?

“I’m not going to inflate your ego,” I mumble. I’m not sure he heard.

“Come on, babe,” he pouts. “Indulge me.”

He starts massaging my shoulders, but I wiggle his hands away.

“Too much touching, Snow. I’m sensitive.”

“Sorry.”

It’s still a wip, of course, I need to rewrite a lot of things and get on the smut per se (I’m procastinating😩) and so on, but it’s looking good:)

AAAAND here’s a wip I wrote that I’m still not sure for which fic it’ll be or if it will make it, doesn’t matter. Another Baz’s pov

He hums. Still moving the plug in and out. As far as the plug can go and as far as the plug doesn’t threaten to get out of me.

“Let me rephrase it, then,” he bites my hairline. “You’re going to come without my cock,” I open my eyes and look at him. “What? You’ve come before like that.”

“Not with that rhythm,” he shrugs.

“Too bad. I guess you’ll be frustrated, then,” he works me open, but I’m doubting now if he’s preparing for me or he’s just pushing my buttons. “Unless–,” he smirks. “Unless you do the thing.”

“What thing?” oh. “Absolutely no.”

OH MY GOd, wAiT. I have another. I’ve written SnowBaz in love for so long, but I’ve never written their confessions, so here I have Simon telling Baz he is in love with him:

“I’m in love with you too, Baz,” I say. “I think I’ve been all this time. I think I tried to mask how deeply into you I am by stalking you and I can’t think of a single reason why you’re into me, since I’m a mess, as you’ve often told me, but I can explain it to you,” I take his hand in mine and press it to my chest, close to my heart. “You’re in me, Baz. You’re in my soul, in my bones, in my heart. You drive me insane, and I want you in any way you’ll let me. I miss you when you’re not with me and I always wondered how I would live in a world without you. Back when he claimed to hate each other and when I was convinced that I despised you, I always thought it would feel like I had lost a limb if I killed you. I want you safe, with me. I want you with me, Baz. I want to be yours; I want you to be mine. Anything. Just– let me try with you. Give me a chance and I will mend what we’ve broken through the years. I’ll love you, spoil you; I’ll never let you know the cold again. Baz– I’m in love with you. So much. It makes me want to throw myself out of our window.”

I like doing this dynamics with spicyness and romance.

And it’s early, sooo, tagging so you have the time to do this: @letraspal @wellbelesbian @facewithoutheart @snowybank @mostlymaudlin @stillmadaboutpetra @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @aristocratic-otter @nevergonnacallmedarling @martsonmars @sharing-a-room-with-an-open-fire @shemakesmeforget

#simon snow #snowbaz #baz pitch #carry-on #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #baz x simon #spicy #egf2022

41 notes · View notes

aroaceconfessions · 2 years

Note

I cry every time I hear Dear Winter by ajr.

I'm a big crybaby, everybody forgets this because I don't like romantic movies and your typical tragedy stories don't touch me, but the right content turns me into a waterfall in the blink of an eye. I find it fun to tell everybody the stuff that makes me cry, specially cause they think it's super dramatic but then my explanation is either very goofy or super meta. The reason for this one, though, I'm not brave to share with my irls.

I want to have kids.

I had 3 big dreams when I was small: be a scientist, work in security and marry. Now, I'm not really the smartest person around, it's OK, there's nothing wrong with not being smart, some of us aren't. I can convince most people that I am, but I'm not good enough to be doing serious researches and such. I'm also weak, like can't carry 4kg weak, and underweight, as in can't donate blood underweight, and also, cops ain't shit and USA have way too much power on the worldwide security and intelligence organizations, I can't be part of that happily. And last, I'm aroace. Strictly so. It's not happening. I don't want to marry, I wanted a wedding and a marriage, not to be married. I wanted the big cake, the fancy clothes and the excuse for the coolest needlessly expensive party. I wanted a partner to stand by my side, to be close and intimate, to share my life and to help me raise our kids. That's what I wanted, not to meet and love someone and give up much of me to make space for him in my soul so we can become one.

I can't do none of this.

It's gonna be hard to maintain myself, money wise, by myself in a society made for two and I don't want my kids to go through any hardships, I want to give them a great life. It's also gonna be hard to get the state permission to adopt, the priority is to couples, has always been, will always be.

And so the song says “I really doesn't seem like there's anyone for me, but dear Winter, I hope you like your name. Im hoping that some day I can meet you on this earth. But shit, I gotta meet your mom first” it hits so hard. I have so many names and ideas and daydreams, I've considered everything, every option, I watch a movie and I think about how I would've helped this or that character as a parent, I look at my own parents actions and think "oh, I would do this too" or "I would never do this" and it's always like this.

I'm not going to have a biological kid, I'm in my 20s and despite having wished to have kids for all of my life it was never biologically, sinc ei was very young I knew I wanted to adopt. But I feel awful with the idea that I would be taking a kid's chance of having a happy family. I would love them so dearly, I know I would, but I also grew up with both my parents, surrounded by kids of a single parent household who would every now and then tell me how jealous they were of me and how lucky I am. I can't do that to a kid, can't be that fucking selfish. I'm not a bad person.

It's a fraction of my third dream, I gotta give up like I did with the rest, gotta be realistic. It's just that I can't get myself to close it. To give this last piece of my childhood wishes away to time. Sending this here is how I'm doing it. I'm putting myself out here so I can't go back. It can't see it happening, no matter how real and sweet and happy it looks in my fantasies, hoping for it is just hurting me. I'm saying bye bye to this last little one.

#parenthood #aromantic #asexual #aroace #marriage #adoption

50 notes · View notes

kissimirrit · 2 years

Text

i posted this on twitter, but i’ll post it here as well. a few days ago, i gave an introspective of my aromantic identity and everything it’s been through. i’ve been aroace since 2010, but back then the split attraction model wasn’t really well-known, so i used asexual to mean both. sometimes i still do. and for the longest time, i’ve been incredibly insecure about my aromanticism and my largely loveless disposition. and this in turn has unfortunately been the source of contention with several of my past friends. they liked me, i did not like them back. i couldn’t.

i used to do everything i could to not come across as aromantic. i’d have the equivalent of a queerplatonic relationship, but use boyfriend and girlfriend in its stead. i wouldn’t entirely hide my aromanticism, but i’d minimize it as much as i could. out of sight, out of mind.

in 2016 at the peak of ace discourse, i became incredibly angry. there was so much vitriol thrown towards aspecs that i decided i would be spiteful. i would be as loud and proud of my asexuality as i could, and i wouldn’t tuck my aromanticism out of sight anymore. i wouldn’t say i was prideful about it yet, but by 2017 i was calling myself aroace, when previously i would exclusively call myself asexual, and nothing else. i was acknowledging my aromanticism, but only when it was alongside my asexuality. i didn’t like it being singled out.

also in 2017, i entered an intensely parasocial ‘romantic’ relationship with a now-viral youtuber, my last ditch effort in trying to diminish my aromanticism. i convinced myself i was “actually demiromantic! not ARO! i can feel love!” and i continued to convince myself that the nauseous feeling i felt during every interaction with this person was actually romantic attraction, and not the fact that what was happening was me being star-struck that a big youtuber wanted my attention and company. and my art. i would frequently find excuses to cut conversations short because of the intense nausea i felt. then, after 7 or 8 months into the relationship, i had stopped putting this person up on a pedestal and idolizing them; my ‘romantic interest’ went away, because i began to see them as an equal, and as a friend. not a youtuber who paid attention to me. and i felt so much relief that the sickly feeling of what i thought romantic attraction was was gone.

we broke up shortly after this revelation sometime in 2018.

i felt secure in being aromantic. i felt relief that i was aromantic. i didn’t know what parasocial meant then, but i knew i never wanted experience anything like that again.

additionally in 2018, i got really into mob psycho. and i literally headcanoned every single character as aroace. it was just so easy to see that in so many of the characters. and for whatever reason, that alone made me feel such euphoria surrounding my aromantic identity. it wasn’t a source of pride YET, but now i was comfortable singling out my aromantic identity. it didn’t need to exclusively be attached to my asexuality when i brought it up; my aromanticism could be whole on its own now.

my aromanticism started to become a source of pride for me last year or so, when i discovered the loveless aro community. everything clicked into place — there was so much importance placed upon ‘love’ and its various forms that i inherently felt alienated due to my aromanticism. and THAT is when everything began to unravel. i didn’t have to love anyone. i can cherish people in my life, but i don’t have to LOVE them. i don’t love anyone, in any way shape or form. and i think a part of me realized this years ago when i tried to replace ‘love’ with ‘adore’ when i would tell my friends i ‘loved’ them in my youth. i didn’t want to associate with love. "i adore you" was my childhood attempt at being loveless before the very concept would be coined.

the loveless aro community made me prideful in my aromantic identity. because it was then i realized love meant nothing to me. i realized i never wanted to be in any sort of relationship, non-romantic or otherwise. and a weight was immediately lifted off my shoulders. i don’t love and i’m happy for that. i don’t love and i feel proud about that. i don’t feel romantic love (duh), i don’t feel platonic love. i don’t feel familial love. i don’t experience love. at all. period.

and that makes me happy.

my aromanticism has been through such a turbulent and self-hating journey for 12 years.

i want to cherish it in spades (ha! ♠️) after all it’s been through.

i want to celebrate being aromantic. and focus entirely on my aromanticism for the first time. i want to be loud.

i am aromantic.

i don’t need to hide it behind anything else. i don’t need to acknowledge any other parts of my identity just to take the focus off my aromanticism.

i am aromantic.

and that is enough.

#aromantic #aromanticism #aro #aromantic awareness week #aro awareness week #loveless aro #aroace

26 notes · View notes

probably-haven · 3 years

Note

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should.

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can. Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it.

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows.

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over-

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings. I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is.

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other- Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action.

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways.

-Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though.

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips.

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself.

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt. - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing.

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth. - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced.

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that.

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead.

#genshin impact #genshin xiao #genshin venti #xiao #venti #xiaoven #genshin analysis #genshin headcanons #xiaoven headcanons #xiaoven analysis #this is a mess i really shouldnt be putting all these tags but oh well #oh wow the grammar and spelling here is truly repulsive #sorry to all my english teachers i have failed you all

75 notes · View notes