#the worst part is that they’re probably just trying to help but it’s blatantly not fucking working lmao

[w0lfwren]

all my friends funnyposting in my dms while i’m mourning a dead man.

#lifeblogging #this is always the nastiest part of grief for me lmao #my brain gets like. territorial. #the whole thing wilbur was talking about #when he said he didn’t understand how everyone else was fine #like Why does no one else fucking care why haven’t they Also spent the last 2 days sobbing #cus they Didn’t Know him and that’s FAIR idiot Be normal #i felt the same way about my dog #i STILL feel that way about my dog like people send me dog pics and i’ll get irrationally mad and that was a Year ago #almost 2 #and now i feel bad cus my friends are just trying to Talk to me and i’m being unreasonably bitter and distant cus i just. #i don’t fucking care right now. it’s mean but i fucking don’t. #i’m trying to reply and be normal #but i know i’m coming off wrong. and i interpret everything they say in the worst way possible cus i already feel like shit #grief has Taken Away my ability to read tone i guess #i’m fine with like my Family it’s just really hard to talk to the people that Know what happened #cus then i’m Genuinely like. why are you fucking joking at me right now don’t you get whag #what’s fucking happened. #the worst part is that they’re probably just trying to help but it’s blatantly not fucking working lmao #vent

[usermischief]

♞Pairing: Steo ♞Characters: Stiles Stilinski, Theo Raeken ♞Tags: canon divergence, Theo is part of the Ito pack, mutual pining, minor Malia/Stiles ♞Words: 2505 ♞Bad Things Happen Bingo - Blackmail ♞ao3

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begin again

---

See, blackmail is something he expects from people like Theo and Peter, and Deucalion, maybe even Jackson on some special occasions. He didn’t exactly expect Malia to be the one to hold his secrets over his head to force him back into a relationship with her. After their breakup, after Theo and Lydia remember him, after a month-long and very awkward relationship with the latter, and Stiles leaving for Quantico — after all the signs proving that they’re just not meant to be, she decided that they are and that she would ruin his life if he disagreed. The threat alone wouldn’t have made Stiles agree to come back. 

It’s the fact that she could very much ruin his life if she so chooses.  

She knows everything about the nogitsune, how Stiles feels about it, the nightmares and memories, the things a human should not be able to do, and worst of all, the things he craves. 

So, Stiles will have to play out her little fantasy until she’s either ready to move on or he found a way out of this mess. 

Not that he can do anything about that right now. Although part of him hopes Malia will attach herself to one of the werewolves blatantly hitting on her. That’s what all these werewolf conventions are for, aren’t they? Politics and mating — or mating for politics. 

“You look as bored as I feel.” Theo collapses into a chair next to him, tugging on his tie. 

Stiles huffs out a breath. “I’ve been fighting the urge to pull a fire alarm for almost an hour now.” 

“Is that why you don’t move?”

“If I get up I can’t guarantee anything.” Stiles glances around the room, watching werewolves mingle, watching some looking back at him. “Besides, I don’t think I’m particularly welcome here.” Kira decided not to participate from the very beginning. A fox amid hundreds of wolves probably isn’t a good idea. Stiles tried to tell Malia that it’s more than likely the same applies to him. Naturally, she didn’t listen and dragged him here. If he trusted Theo and his motives a little more, he’d ask whether it’s obvious or not. As it is, he should probably keep that to himself. One person blackmailing him is more than enough. 

Theo crosses his arms on the table. “Your scent doesn’t match any of the packs here. It makes them nervous.” At least it’s not the fox thing. “The rumors going around probably don’t help either.” 

That’s not something Stiles wants to hear. “Rumors?” he echoes regardless, trying his very best to sound nonchalant. “What type of rumors about a human could possibly be concerning for werewolves?” Because it would be perfect if they stopped floating around. The only thing more worrying than being an outsider in the middle of a bunch of werewolves is being an outsider who makes said bunch nervous. Conventions like these aren’t always peaceful. More often than not, fighting breaks out. Stiles would prefer not to be in the middle of it. 

Theo’s gaze sweeps across the room, narrowing only slightly before he turns back to him. “It’s about what you’ve survived,” he says and, leaning closer, he adds, “what you might have become of it.” 

Stiles stares at him and clenches his teeth. If he says a single word, he might out himself. Other than Malia, Theo is the only person who knows what may have become of him. Maybe Theo is the only one who really knows him — even the parts Stiles is hiding from himself. 

“Kira is one thing, but you, Void?” 

Stiles slams his hands on the table. “Is that a threat? Are you seriously threatening me?” 

“No.” Theo doesn’t seem particularly bothered by the outbreak. He never is. For someone with a short temper, Theo has always proven to be very patient with him. “It’s a warning.” His gaze flicks back into the crowd. “Maybe you should get better friends because the ones you have are dropping subtle hints about what you are.”

Tensing visibly, Stiles narrows his eyes at Theo. “Malia probably doesn’t know any better.” The words are no sooner out of his mouth when he questions himself why he even defends her. She’s blackmailing him. She is actively fucking him over, and yet, here he is, protecting her image from Theo’s accusations. 

Theo barks out a laugh, humorless and dangerous and perfect in every way possible. With a smile as dangerous as his laugh, Theo leans even closer. His breath brushes over Stiles’ cheek and chin, like ghostly fingertips tickling all those buried feeling back to the surface. “Do you really think,” he whispers, placing his hand on Stiles’ thigh, just high enough to be considered intimate, “that Malia is smart enough to blackmail anyone? Let alone you?” Theo leans even closer, pressing his mouth against the shell of Stiles’ ear. His hand moves higher, crossing lines and boundaries he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near. But Theo doesn’t care. He never cared. Instead, he places his free hand on the side of his neck. “Let alone you, Void?”

Stiles pulls back so fast he almost slips off the chair. “Do not—“ he bites out and grabs Theo’s hand, not pulling it away, just holding them in place “— call me that.” 

Theo’s smile only widens. “How do you think Malia knows about the video Agent McCall keeps hiding to protect you?” 

Stiles can feel his blood run cold. This was supposed to be a secret only Stiles, Rafael, his dad and Scott know about. That footage will put him in prison faster than anything else ever could. There’s no convincing anybody that the person on the tape is a thousand-year-old fox demon wearing his face. Stiles thought it was destroyed, but if Theo’s telling the truth then— he furrows his brows. Wait. “How do you know about that?” 

“That’s the question, isn’t it?” Theo squeezes his leg and gets to his feet. “If you come to your senses, Satomi always has a place for strays.” He nods toward the other direction of the room and leaves. 

Heart pounding in his chest, Stiles watches him walk away. He’s probably more than aware of the damage he just caused. As per usual, Theo dug his fingers into all of Stiles’ biggest insecurities and tore him apart. The blackmail, his being a nogitsune, the friendship with Scott, and his feelings for the chimera. Theo knows him better than anyone, that’s why he can hurt him so much. But Theo also understands that Stiles needs this pain to start helping himself or accept another person’s help. 

Stiles pulls his phone out of the pocket of his jacket and heads in a different direction. If anyone can get rid of this video footage, it’s Melissa — and the best person to talk to her is his father. 

- - -

The good thing about his father dating Melissa is that they’re basically attached at the hip, so Stiles does not have to worry about his dad being alone again. Stiles could also hear the beginning of what would undeniably become a rather uncomfortable conversation for Rafael. The footage most likely will be deleted before the day is over. 

The bad thing about his dad and Melissa dating is that they will end up in the crossfire of what’s going to be the end of Scott-and-Stiles, no matter how much they’ll try to keep them out of it. When Stiles told them about the blackmail, Melissa was sure there had to be a good reason or a misunderstanding. Stiles is sure Scott thinks he has a good reason, but it’s not a misunderstanding. 

Stiles pushes his phone back into his pocket and returns to the main hall. He’s not going to stay long, all he’s wanting to do is briefly talk to Satomi. To be fair, he’s not sure if he actually wants to join her pack, but he’d at least would like to talk to her about what’s going on with him before she hears it from anybody else. He’d also like to talk to Theo again. Maybe. He doesn’t know. 

“Hey.” Malia appears in front of him, stopping Stiles in his tracks, “where have you been?”

Although it’s really none of her business — now even less than before — Stiles decides to tell her. He’s going to leave anyway. She might as well know why. “I was talking to my dad,” he explains and crosses his arms over his chest. 

She furrows her brows. “Where are you going now?”

“Satomi.” Stiles nods in the direction of her table, watching as Brett beckons Theo over. 

Seeing him is probably what tips her off. Despite everything, their non-existent relationship wasn’t entirely a secret. People picked up on something between them. Malia noticed it too. “If you go over there—“

“Then what?” Stiles snaps his gaze back to Malia. “You’ll ruin my life?” The only person he was worried about knowing the truth about him already knows everything, and Scott turns around to blackmail him with it. Stiles should have never returned to the McCall pack. He was better off on his own. It certainly would have spared him a lot of pain and heartbreak. 

Malia flashes her eyes. Once again, control is slipping through her fingers. It’s nothing new. She’s never been trained well. The only time she stayed mostly in control was when Stiles acted as her anchor. Maybe that’s why Scott wanted Stiles to date her again. It makes life easier for him. “You can’t do that. I’m going to tell everyone the truth about you.” 

“Awesome, and while you’re at it,” Stiles says in a low voice, “tell Scott Melissa wants to talk to him. She didn’t sound particularly happy about the whole blackmail thing.” Smiling at her, Stiles turns on his heels and walks away. He’ll quickly talk to Satomi then he’s going to leave. Simple as that. He’s over all of this bullshit. 

“I’m pretty sure,” Malia calls, her voice trembling noticeably, “the people here would like to know a fox is hiding in their midst.” 

Although everything in him wants to stop and turn around, he forces himself to keep walking. If he pretends she isn’t talking to him, he might make it out of the room before the others are putting everything together — if they even care. It’s hard to tell with werewolves. There might be a lot who are just like Satomi and don’t care about foxes. There might be a lot of other wolves who consider the complete opposite. He works his fingers through his hair and catches sight of Satomi getting to her feet. The rest of her pack follows. Well, everyone but Theo, who is already right in front of him. 

Smiling softly, Theo places a jacket around his shoulders. “Hey babe,” he says in a low voice, “let’s head out.” 

Stiles narrows his eyes. “Excuse me?” He wants to brush off the jacket, but Theo keeps it firmly in place by grabbing his upper arms. 

“I said let’s head out.” Still smiling, Theo places a hand on the small of Stiles’ back in an attempt to move him. The hand around his right arm tightens a little. 

“No.”

Surprisingly, the smile does not slip from Theo’s features. Instead, he leans closer, pressing his mouth against the shell of Stiles’ ear again. “If you don’t want me,” he whispers, and it’s the most threatening tone Theo has ever used on him, “to throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here, I recommend you come with me.” Gently tugging on the jacket, Theo stands back again. 

Stiles wants to smack him. Hard. He curls his fingers into tight fists. 

Theo’s hand slides down to his wrist, and he tugs him closer. His smile turns sharper. “Don’t even think about it.” 

Grinding his teeth, Stiles glances over Theo’s shoulder. Oh, but he wants to. So desperately. Because it’s easier than leaning into the other boy. However, people are watching. Most packs wouldn’t dare to make a move on someone from Satomi’s pack whether she’s in the room or not, but the chance is not zero. Not at all. Theo, as of right now, is his shield and most likely the only person standing between him and being pounced on by a werewolf who thinks he’s sneaked into his place. Theo is putting himself at risk. 

Stiles licks his lips. “Why are you doing this?” The last time Theo protected him, the whole thing was a setup. Theo used killing Josh to blackmail him. “You don’t care.” He wants something from him… unless he’s doing it for Satomi. 

Furrowing his brows, Theo pulls back. For what it’s worth, he looks actually offended at the statement. “Of course, I care.” 

“No, you don’t, and don’t give me that—“

Theo leans closer. This time, he’s not aiming to whisper in his ear. His warm breath brushes over Stiles’ cheek. It smells sweet like the stupid white wine Theo’s been drinking all evening. Gently, Theo nudges their noses together. The simple gesture feels too intimate to move, to breathe. 

And then Theo kisses him. His lips are gliding against Stiles’, one hand cupping his jaw, the other pulling him closer. He’s kissing him, and his eyes are closed. He’s kissing him, and Stiles’ heart sings. 

He wraps his arms around Theo’s waist, curling his fingers into the soft shirt. He’s holding on a little tighter than he needs to, but now that he has Theo exactly where he’s wanted him for years, the thought of letting go again makes his stomach turn. 

The jacket slides from his shoulder, but Theo catches it with ease. His lips curl into a smile against Stiles’. When he wraps the jacket around him again, he uses it to pull him closer. His chuckle ripples through Stiles’ body, making him shudder, and press closer to Theo. 

“Now that I’ve proved my point,” Theo whispers against his lips, “we’re going to make our exit.” 

Stiles shakes his head, but he can’t help but laugh. “You’re a jerk, you know that?” 

Theo hums. His fingertips run down Stiles’ arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. “You love it.” With a small grin, he intertwines their fingers. “You look good in my jacket.” He slips an arm around his waist, pulling him to his side. When he leads him towards the exit this time, Stiles doesn’t even think about fighting it. 

“Looks like I have a habit of dating people ready to blackmail me.” Stiles glances at Theo out of the corner of his eyes. 

“I’m a changed person.” 

“Right.” Stiles bites back a smile. 

Theo pinches his side. “Careful,” he whispers into his ear again, probably highly aware of the goosebumps he causes, “I can still be vengeful, little fox.”

Stiles smiles and glances over his shoulder, spotting Malia and Scott standing side by side, watching them walk away. “Good.” Stiles turns to look at Theo, now smirking. “I’m counting on it.” 

#steo #stiles stilinski #theo raeken #teen wolf #stiles x theo #theo x stiles #*tv:teen wolf #*w:bthb #*w:complete #*s:steo

[harrypotter-imaginess]

Etsy Store Here l Ko-Fi l Commission Info I Instagram I Zine

Part 1 Here! / Part 2 Here! / <This is Part 3!>

A/N: I'm on a HP writing roll also that picture of Oliver Phelps is too cute. Drop those requests and Oh, and if you are in the market for some cute pro-Weasley shirts, check out my 'Weasley Suprmeacy' shirt here!

- George whistles a cheery tune as he walks down the street

- All around him are couples madly in love, gazing upon everything with rose tinted glasses

- And for once

- George is one of them now too

- No more watching Ron and Hermione giggle over some inside joke like a couple of schoolgirls

- Or watch Fred and Angelina Johnson make eyes at each other from across the room while all he could do was wonder what he had to do to get someone like that

- Because now he has you

- And he never has to spend Valentine’s Day alone again

- He’s so caught up in the joy of having someone, and his pride in not being one of those morons who wait until the last minute to make a reservation, that he doesn’t notice the line wrapped around your store

- He doesn’t notice until he walks inside and sees the chaotic state

- “Ainsley will you pass the ribbon?”

- “Henry get the customer will ya?”

- “Boss we’re out of the red roses!”

- “Get some red food coloring and put it in the water of the white roses!”

- So he probably won’t be needing those reservations

- “Oh George,” you notice him standing at the door after several long minutes of him watching you frantically move around the shop trying to fill orders

- You stand in front of apologizing profusely

- “I’m sorry I know we’ve had tonight planned out for so long-“

- “I didn’t think we would be so busy-“

- You usually do appointment only for Valentine’s but... your bills came in a little higher this month and your landlord is talking about a rent increase

- And so you kind of need this money

- Still, you thought you would be able to manage, but you seriously underestimated how many people would require your services last minute

- George listens to your carefully, only speaking after you say you're final: “I’m so sorry, I promise I’ll make it up to you”

- He nods and you think that will be that

- And then he glances at your apron, a finger gently picking at one of the straps that sit on your shoulder

- “Have you got an extra one of these?”

- And so that’s how George spends his Valentine’s Day

- In a bright pink apron collecting muggle money and placating customers at your store

- And it’s not how he quite pictured it- but he’s got the biggest smile on his face because he’s with you

- Watching you scamper around is oddly cute too

- Besides helping here isn’t all the difference then working at his shop

- He just can’t use magic

- “Oh I thought we were out of red roses?” You say when he brings you a dozen roses from the backroom

- “I found a few hidden behind some pink ones” he lies

- Well, he can’t blatantly use magic

- It’s 10:17 when you flip the shop sign over, bidding your employees a happy Valentine’s Day

- You don’t bother finding a chair, sitting on the ground, and letting out a relieved sigh

- Finally, it’s over

- George settles on the floor next to you, sporting a similar expression

- You laugh

- “I’m guessing this falls into your top ten worst Valentine’s days”

- Now it’s George that laughs

- “Not even close, I think the worst one was when I was at school, all of us single lads passed around a box of Bertie Botts”

- “What’s Bertie Botts?” You ask

- Oh bullocks, is that not a muggle thing too?

- “They’re like jelly beans, but there are a few gag flavors thrown in like rotten egg and freshly mown grass”

- “That sounds like a very teenage thing to do,” you say with a laugh

- Oh good looks like you bought it

- “Second worst then,” you say and shakes his head with a grin

- “It was actually really fun,” his smile softens when he looks at you, your eyes meet his.

- “It’s always really fun when you’re around.”

- And from any other man, you would think they were empty words.

- But George’s warm eyes and that soft expression he has as he gazes at you with nothing but adoration tells you it’s all completely genuine

- And you fidget, clearing your throat

- “Well the least I can do is treat you to a meal”

- “Want to beg the restaurant to take us even though we’re-“ he looks at his watch “3 hours late?”

- “Not quite,” you say laughing

- You tip the pizza boy in flowers, who seems ecstatic with the bouquet in his hands

- “My significant others going to love these thank you!”

- You practically crawl up to the rooftop of your shop where George has already set up a makeshift table with your bare minimum patio furniture, lit candles at the center

- “I’ll have to apologize, I didn’t bring a bottle of wine so all I have is this”

- George holds up a silver flask

- You don’t hesitate to take a swig from it when he offers

- You cough almost immediately

- “What was in that?” You’ve never had anything like it

- It almost tasted like fire

- “Fi- I mean, cinnamon whisky,” George says and you offer him a small smile

- “Well bring a bottle next time, I like it”

- You grin, eating pizza side by side while watching the city lights

- George has to keep himself from grinning

- Best Valentine’s Day ever

#harry potter imagine #harry potter #George Weasley #george weasley x reader #fred and george weasley imagine #george weasley imagine #george weasley headcanon #George Weasley fanfiction #George Weasley x Muggle reader #george and fred weasley #harry potter headcanon #harry potter hogwarts mystery #charlie weasley x reader #charlie weasley x jacob's sibling #george weasley #harry potter x reader #charlie weasley

[cobrakaisb]

modern day romeo and juliet part 2

read part one here!

a/n: here is the largely anticpated part two of the imagine! after getting numerous asks begging for a part two, i decided to finally publish it. sorry it took me so long besties but school and softball have been kicking my ass lately. love you all!!! 

summary: you and hawk are going strong but your friendship with sam and demetri has fallen apart, or has it. (also warning: reader gets a bloddy nose in this imagine if that bothers you in anyway don’t read)

word count: 1,711

“so are you and hawk like together now?” moon asked as the two of you walked to the cafeteria. “yeah,” you answered, a light blush coating your cheeks. “oh my gosh yes! i’m so happy for you!” she shouted, wrapping her arms around your shoulders, squeezing tightly. “thanks moon,” you replied half-heartedly. moon immediately picked up on your sad demeanor, “what's wrong?” “nothing,” you answered, giving her a fake smile. moon was going to call your bluff, but she was interrupted by hawk. “hey guys,” he greeted, pulling you into a tight hug. 

“hi hawk,” you replied, arms wrapped around his waist as he swayed you back and forth. “are you sitting with us at lunch?” he asked, looking at you. “yeah probably. your friends won’t mind right?” you asked. hawk immediately shook his head no, the two of you just staring at each other intensely. “you guys are so cute! i’ll see you later y/n,” moon announced, walking away from you and hawk. the two of you pulled apart, hands intertwined as he led you over to the cobra kai table. 

“anything from sam?” hawk asked quietly. you gently shook your head, causing hawk to frown. he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead, “she’ll come around,” he assured. “i hope so,” you mumbled as the two of you sat down at the cobra kai table. your sad mood was immediately lifted however when doug and big red started throwing napkins at you. 

“i can’t believe she’s actually sitting with him,” demetri said, appalled at the fact that you were sitting with hawk at lunch. “why wouldn’t she be sitting with hawk? they’re together now,” moon said, a happy smile on her face as she watched you laugh from your spot next to him at the cobra kai table. “i still can’t believe that. how could y/n even like someone like him?” sam asked, angrily stabbing at her lunch with a fork. moon’s eyes widened as she watched sam. “aren’t you happy for her?” moon asked, confusion clear in her voice. 

sam scoffed at moon’s words. “why would i be happy that she’s fraternizing with the enemy?” sam asked. “the enemy? do you even hear yourself?” moon asked sam, and even demetri looked surprised by sam’s words. sam was silent, shooting a sad look your way. “you regret it don’t you?” demetri accused sam, but she just remained silent, looking down at her lunch. “regret what? what did you guys do?” moon asked. 

“when we caught y/n and hawk kissing at your party a while back, we may have kicked her out of miyagi-do,” demetri mumbled, feeling ashamed by their actions. “are you kidding me!” moon yelled, causing some heads to turn, but she just shooed them off with a wave of her hand. “that’s why y/n has been so down lately? because you kicked her out of karate?” moon asked, while demetri and sam just nodded. “you guys are the worst,” she continued. “thanks for reminding us,” sam mumbled, sparing a glance at you. 

you were laughing at something that doug had said. “that’s too funny,” you mumbled between laughs. the boys just laughed at how funny you found doug’s joke, when in reality it wasn’t meant to be that funny. “i can’t believe that you’re in miyagi-do y/n. you’re nothing like those dorks,” doug said. you tensed up at his words, and hawk took immediate notice. he glared at doug, ready to tell him off, but you beat him to it. “i’m actually not in miyagi-do any more. they kicked me out,” you said sadly. the boys all looked around in embarrassment. “but it’s whatever because i have a boyfriend and all the children we adopted now,” you joked, holding up peace signs.

“what kids did we adopt?” hawk asked, confusion clear in his voice. “literally everyone here. they are all out children,” you explained, gesturing to the table full of boys. the boys all burst into laughter while hawk just wrapped his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his side. you rest your head on his shoulder, placing a small kiss on his neck. “ew! imagine having to watch your parents do that!” doug shouted jokingly, throwing a fruit snack your way. everyone laughed at him, and soon lunch was over.        

--

“hawk! wait for me!” you shouted, walking out of the locker room dressed for gym class. hawk immediately stopped walking, waiting for you to catch up to him. “hi!” you said, giggling as he peppered small kisses all over your face. “hawk let’s go!” one of his friends yelled from up ahead. hawk grabbed your hand, intertwining your fingers, as he pulled you towards the front of his squad. 

together the group of you walked onto the soccer field. of course the boys were being confident, walking with their heads held high. you just rolled your eyes at them and their cocky behavior. “alright let’s remember to keep the aggression to a minimum due to the school’s new policy,” the gym teacher shouted as she blew the whistle signaling the start of the soccer game. 

almost immediately, sam and the other miyagi-do students were blatantly going for the cobra kai boys. you noticed that doug was about to retaliate but hawk held him back, mumbling something, which clearly calmed him down. the game continued, and hawk scored a goal. you cheered loudly for him, and he just winked at you, causing you to blush. the game went on, and each dojo was getting progressively more aggressive. you were running down the field when someone called you name, causing you to turn around. the next thing you knew, the soccer ball was flying towards your face. you didn’t have anytime to cover your face, and so you got hit in the face with the ball. 

“what the fuck!”  you shouted, hands flying up to your nose which was now gushing blood. “y/n!” hawk called from across the field, running over to you. “baby let me see it,” he demanded, pulling your hands away from your face. he removed your hands, and tilted your head back to help stop the flow of blood. “who did this?” hawk asked loudly, glaring at everyone around him. when nobody answered he shouted even louder, “who did it?” this time sam stepped forwards. “it was an accident, i swear,” she rushed, looking nervously between you and hawk. 

hawk rolled his eyes at sam, his jaw and fists clenching. “yeah i’m sure it was,” he growled, taking a threatening step towards her. “hawk!” you shouted, but he ignored you. “i-” sam started but she was cut off by hawk. “what? kicking her out of karate wasn’t enough? i get it that you guys don’t like me, but just because we’re together doesn’t mean that you should punish her for it. especially since we’re happy. don’t come near her again!” he finished, and you couldn’t help but swoon. he’s defending my honor. that’s so hot, you thought.  

after his conversation with sam, hawk took you to the nurse’s office. she just gave you an ice pack and some paper towels, before sending you back to class. you and hawk were walking to your next class when sam and demetri approached the two of you. “i thought i told you to stay away from her,” hawk said, stepping forward but you stopped him by placing your hand on his chest. hawk huffed, but stayed quiet. it was silent between the four of you, all of you just staring at each other. “was there something you guys needed?” you asked. 

demetri cleared his throat. “yeah we were hoping to talk to you. preferably without your boyfriend,” he said and hawk tried to step forward but you stopped him once again. “yeah that’s fine. i’ll see you in class babe,” you answered, kissing hawk’s cheek before shooing him away. once he walked down the hall, and was far enough away from you, you looked towards demetri and sam. “what was it that you wanted to talk about?” you asked, crossing your arms. 

“we wanted to invite you back to miyagi-do. it was wrong of us to kick you out,” sam said, not making eye contact with you. you scoffed at her words. “why should i even come back? you guys made it pretty clear that you didn’t want me there,” you said. “that’s because you’re dating hawk of all people!” sam shouted at you, and you glared at her. “sam! we came to make amends not cause more problems!” demetri interjected, glaring at the larusso girl. 

“look y/n, i’m sorry, for everything. i know that you really like hawk, and that the two of you are happy together. and,” demetri started, taking a deep breath, “if you’re happy then i’m happy for you. i understand if you don’t want to come back to miyagi-do or even be our friend, but i just want you to know that i’m sorry for everything, nose included.” you smiled at demetri’s apology. “thanks demetri, that means a lot. i don’t think that i’ll come back to karate, but i’d love it if we could try and fix our friendship,” you said, looking at him. “yeah, i’d like that,” demetri answered, a big smile on his face. 

the two of you turned to face sam, who remained silent the whole time. “i’m sorry too y/n. i never should’ve kicked you out of miyagi-do for being with hawk, especially since you guys are great together. and i’m sorry for your nose. i’ve been such a bitch to you, and i understand if you don’t accept my apology, but i would like to be friends again,” sam apologized, looking at you shyly. you smiled softly at the girl, “i’d like that.” sam smiled back at you. you all knew that things were going to be different now, and this isn’t something that you were just going to forgive and forget, but you were all willing to make amends and that’s all that matters. 

you walked into your next class, taking your seat next to hawk, with a smile on your face. “everything okay?” he asked, looking you over. “everything’s perfect,” you answered, kissing him softly.  

#hawk cobra kai #hawk cobra kai x reader #hawk cobra kai imagine #eli moskowitz #eli moskowitz x reader #eli moskowitz imagine #hawk imagine #hawk x reader #cobra kai x reader #cobra kai imagine #cobra kai #cobrakaisb writing

[thedeviljudges]

yohan + physical tough + trauma response

disclaimer: this is based off of eps 1-7, and preview of ep 8; i wholeheartedly recognize that this post may become the worst meta ever depending on how the rest of the show goes. however, i do think there are still some interesting things to note about yohan. a lot of this is also me just talking shit out as i was sifting through all the eps again. i’m more than willing to change my mind or hear other thoughts.

also i kinda, sorta, unnecessarily included all of the moments of yohan and any physicality. a lot of them are not super important, but i do think they help draw a distinction in how he reactions when surprised, alone and around other people.

so, here’s a long ass post that is literally 99% me bullshitting, lmao.

so i wanted to delve more into yohan’s response to physical touch by way of trauma. while i know a lot of us have pieced it together, i think it’s pretty cool to lay it all out visually because i think there’s much more justification for his reactions; not to say it makes it right, but it does really flesh out a fundamental part of his characterization that i think is highly, highly important to understand.

yohan lives on the cusp for reckless behavior, almost as if he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. the car chase, running through industrial buildings where safety isn’t a concern, etc.

episode one

the first time we see an instance of his disinterest in physical touch is when he first meets gaon. he actually offers him his hand, but the way he goes about it isn’t a handshake. he almost looks hesitant, and then he squeezes and does not shake. it’s truly a split second gesture out of formalities. granted, he’s just met someone he thinks looks like isaac, and might be in a little bit of… not shock, but certainly distracted.

later in the episode, yohan is in an abandoned building with homeless people. he’s checking people’s wrist, but he’s quick about leaving them alone. until, a homeless man comes up behind him and grabs him. in response, yohan swings his arm to knock him off. then, he punches him, steps on him and decides whether he’s worth the effort. again, granted, no one likes to be surprised in a creepy situation like this, so his response? kinda understandable at this point.

next is the scene where yohan catches gaon in his office, where he pushes him against the bookshelf and kinda, more or less, comes off as a bit luring. we know yohan knows gaon’s lying, but a couple of things here. yohan initiated the physical contact, and he did it because of the suspicious nature of gaon. yohan also knows how to use his power and charms to catch people off guard, and i think really, he was messing with gaon when he brushed his shirt and asked him if he lived alone. gay as fuck, lmao, but i also see it as an intimidation tactic, in a way.

i could also pose a couple of theories aside from intimidation if we wanted to squint:

yohan is still in a state of awe of gaon’s resemblance to isaac. he’s not heard his voice or been around the other man for at least 10 years, and now there’s tangibility at his fingertips.

if we want to look at it from the gay perspective, gaon is clearly intriguing to yohan, and as i’ll note further down in this post about yohan in relation to physical touch, i’m sure it could be assumed that this is one of the first people in a long time that yohan has an interest in making a connection with. however, because of his upbringing, it’s clear he does’t necessarily know how to connect with people (ie. ep 7 trying to connect with elijah, eps 1-6 with him trying to non-verbally tell gaon that he has bigger plans than what’s in front of his face. his admission in ep 5 about being monster). more or less, he knows his charms can be used, but when it comes to actually flirting and/or liking someone? it’s left to be addressed, but could be assumed he’s just as awkward about it as when we see him at home.

we also see a small instance of him letting someone dress him. there’s still touch involved, but it’s very clear what the intention is. he has control over the situation, and it’s not a surprise.

the next time he engages in physical touche, again, he initiates it because he’s in control, and it’s meant to be comforting, to an extent.

and then to round everything off, we actually see him reaching for isaac, who is actually gaon in the court scene, but you know storytelling and all that. he reaches for him both in the courtroom and within a flashback.

him reaching out for isaac seems to be a motif within the show as it happens later on, of which i’ll point out.

episode two

we see him initiate a handshake again. at first, to gaon, and then with jinjoo. controlled situation.

later on in the episode is when we see our first glimpses of batshit crazy yohan, an absolute delight and fav, lmao. he actually reaches out to the spoiled kid, and it’s clearly to legitimize intimidation and a position of power.

okay look, i’m not even gonna front, this was a cute scene. when jinjoo gets out of the car, he checks to make sure she’s okay, and they have this moment before they go onto the red carpet where they smile at each other. yohan is confirming she’s okay, and she agrees. again, controlled, and i don’t know for certain if yohan is more comfortable around women, or it’s just mere fact that he doesn’t always have a problem with touch when the situation is safe. he actually lets her take his arm further on in the scene, and yes, it is a public display of niceties, and he knows that.

so in the midst of this happening, we get the ‘devil child’ story. and i want to make note of the bird scene because i do think it’s important to note that people yohan cares for, he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect them. yes, they’re children in school, but the girl next to him is the only one who showed him an ounce of kindness, and yohan is proven to remain loyal to those he loves or trusts in some capacity.

of course, he ends up pitting the rich and the poor kids against one another for their betrayal and making him an outcast. in yohan’s mind, what he did wasn’t necessarily wrong because his sense of justice is based on protection and when people wrong him or those he loves, it’s seeking justice on their behalf or making the situation better - not in the technically right way, but right to him. yohan comes across as a fixer and problem solver.

yohan has a very, very strong sense of trust and loyalty, and we can assume that stems from isaac, who clearly tried to protect yohan from his father, who went out of his way to do so as best as he could as a young kid. yohan values loyalty not because he necessarily wants lap dogs and people to do his bidding. it comes from a place of love and security he’s never really had.

anyway, back to the gala with jinjoo, he does shake the minister’s hand. again, controlled. there are cameras. he also puts his arm around her, and that’s mainly because it’s a battle of the wills, and she’s trying to reprimand him, lol, as if she could. he hugs her a little hard and a little enthusiastically, and you can clearly tell it’s for show.

and then he dances with both jinjoo and sunah. and there is a stark difference between these two scenes. yohan actually teaches jinjoo the proper placement for where she should rest her hands and how to move. he’s actually having a good time with her, and again, it’s actually really cute.

with sunah, he’s reluctant and definitely on guard. he can tell from her demeanor that her intent is with purpose trying to get close to him. at this point in the story, he probably sees it as sunah coming onto him and not because she’s actually the maid from when they were children. when sunah reaches up to whisper in his ear, you can really tell he doesn’t like her being that close to him at all especially because her words may not be overly threatening, but there is purpose behind them, which means yohan’s guards are up. he physically removes her hand and than blatantly turns her down: she tells him that enjoying things alone isn’t fun, and he counters it by saying he’s having a lot of fun.

so at this point to reduce on some screen caps, he meets the minister’s family, has handshakes with her husband and the kid he went after to essentially beat up his car with a mallet, lmao. the handshake is quite funny because they both know what happened. yohan is in control, and that kid is shaking in his boots.

then the explosion happens, and of course, it makes sense that yohan helps gaon after he’s hurt. gaon has never been a threat to yohan, and it’s clear yohan’s not heartless whatsoever, but it’s also poignant to note that gaon helped saved yohan’s life, thus starting yohan’s journey of loyalty to gaon. i think he’s always had his sight set on gaon to begin with, possibly long before he even became an associate judge, but if this was a test, gaon passed it with flying colors because if gaon can rescue a little girl, and he can help an old man who fell off his bike, would he really go the lengths to save yohan who has shown him time and time again his sense of justice is different?

episode three

yohan reacts negatively to soohyun and within good reason when she questions where gaon is. he turns away because for him, the conversation is over, but for her, it’s not. to get his attention, she grabs him when he’s not paying attention, and of course he has a very adverse reaction. at this point, it can be chalked up to disrespect given the fact that he’s a head judge and she’s just a mere cop, but hindsight is 20/20. he does throw her arm off by flicking out his arm. but instead of berating her, he just tells her to catch the culprits who harmed gaon and leaves it at that.

and then of course, everyone’s favorite scene and rightfully so. yohan caring for gaon? very sexy of him. gaon is injured, poses no threat, and as i said above about yohan finding some amount of loyalty in gaon means his physical boundaries aren’t jeopardized. and for that, we get these wonderful scenes of yohan helping gaon as he heals.

and then scenes of him messing around with gaon by hitting him. truth be told, i wonder if this was something him and isaac did as young kids. anyone with siblings know how that goes. fake picking on each other? fake bickering? yeah.

and then it slowly, but surely, it’s revealed that yohan didn’t have the same upbringing as isaac did. our first instance that something at home wasn’t right wasn’t just the conversation with ms. ji and gaon. it’s the flashback with yohan reading in his room when the door opens. he hastily pretends he’s asleep, and you can see he’s visibly shaking and breathing roughly until he realizes it’s isaac who’s there to give him books.

and that’s also when we get our first glance of what kind of abuse yohan suffered from at the hands of his father. it’s clear this isn’t the only incident, and there’s been many times that isaac wasn’t around to help defend him.

it’s also very clear in how yohan acts when he’s terrified and that his abuse has gone on long enough to be a routine pattern in the house. any time he hears heavy footsteps or thinks his father is around, he visibly shakes and gets panicky.

episode four

i include this scene because it’s been noted that a lot of books yohan reads are about humans, human nature, animals, animalistic tendencies, and he says random shit like this that directly points to what he thinks about humanity and humans themselves. we notice this most prominently at the dinner with gaon and jinjoo earlier on when he describes that he likes the feel of the chew and that he cannot taste. he always mentions hunting and prey, and i think this is one of those very clear instances where he actually reveals to gaon what he truly, truly thinks; no gimmicks. this also comes into play later on in ep 6 when elijah is worried about him being out all night. yohan clearly doesn’t trust people at all. he understands their intentions, their motives and how much pain they can cause other people for their own profit and their own gain. it makes sense that he wouldn’t leave his house, especially if he has a strong sense of loyalty to isaac (even after all these years) and caring for elijah.

this is also one of the very direct moments that yohan doesn’t understand family dynamics. when it comes to people, it’s a giant chess game. not only that, later on in the episode when they’re in the car and yohan talks about how people, no matter what, are always the same in front of greed, yohan is cynical, and he expects the bad every single time.

what he reads and the way he words things (here and the discussion of him being a monster, for example) is clearly an indication that he doesn’t trust; that he cannot trust, nor does he want to at this point. yohan doesn’t understand the concept of kindness being given freely (ep 7 when he berates elijah for being used by gaon, telling her she falls for kindness every time). and yet, later on in eps, it’s clear when he’s around the right people and the right mindset (uh, gaon?? lol), he’s constantly putting up a front.

after all in ep 7 when he tells gaon that confidence is key, it literally gives him away not just in the courtroom but in his personal life. there’s a reason he looks softer at home than when he’s not there (the hairstyle changes and clothing).

basically what i’m getting at is this behavior can be seen as a defense mechanism because of his abuse.

then it’s another gala event with gaon and yohan this time. another lovely favorite where yohan helps him get dressed and then proceeds to drag him around and safe him from the lion’s den.

tbh i dont even need to include these, but i’m doing it for the indulgence.

yohan does sorta physically throw gaon as well during the rich people party, but that’s mainly to get him to shut up because he’s trying to show gaon the truth at hand and how all of it’s pretty much a farce.

later on in the episode is when we first have gaon truly attacking yohan verbally, and that’s when yohan snaps. it’s clear that isaac is a trigger for yohan, especially from someone who speaks out of line on something they know nothing about. gaon, truth be told, had a stupid moment confronting yohan the way he did. i don’t know who waltzes up to a proposed murderer and just asks them, lmao.

but here’s the thing, thus far, gaon has not entirely posed a threat to yohan. whether that’s from yohan planting gaon and guiding him exactly where he wants him or gaon just not being as thorough as yohan would like, and he’s trying to tap into that talent, is anyone’s guess. but as i said above, the one thing yohan protects is the things he does care about the most, and he tries to talk himself out of his own feelings. he constantly compares himself to an animal (again, dinner scene with gaon and jinjoo) to justify his actions, and to possibly not feel anything; because that’s easier, isn’t it? not feeling. so on top of gaon calling him a monster and a killer, confronted with the possibility about being a villain in his own brother’s story, obviously sets him off. he beats down his emotions until he’s confronted with it - and this is what gaon also meant in ep 6 about how it’s ridiculous that yohan calls himself a monster over a victim because yohan can’t even see himself in that light. not because he truly believes victims are weak necessarily, but i wonder how much he realizes that what happened to him wasn’t his fault.

to me, and as i just said, yohan convinces himself he’s a monster to make it easier for himself to belief his actions (ep 5 telling gaon some humans are born monsters in relation to himself). it’s not that he inherently thinks he’s wrong, but i think his guidance for what’s right and wrong was misconstrued without a parent figure in his life, especially if he’d read crime and law books as the focus. yohan’s actions, at least quite a bit of them are, are based on a gut feeling of right and wrong. when you think about it and your own sense of justice, how would that differ without the checks and balances in place? what punishment do you think fits the crime if we weren’t bound by written law? yohan thinks any action to protect those he loves is, more or less, justifiable because it’s a means to an end. it’s making a worng right again.

i don’t think yohan is a monster. i think his feelings, and what he knows is love, is misconstrued in terms of how to express it. we see this in episode 7 with his and elijah’s conversation where she’s just trying to be a teen, but his version of love is protecting her without, once again, understanding family dynamics and the pain points of growing up, the learning she has to do on her own. yohan might technically be right; similar to being book-smart but not necessarily street smart. his theory of telling Elijah that she’s soft for kindness and being used was true, but his delivery and the idea that that’s how humans develop doesn’t work. he’s telling her text-book rules, but people don’t live through books. they live through real life. yohan reads to get a sense of fulfillment and to learn. he’s learned his way into adulthood, but that’s not normal.

so uh anyway, back to this familiar scene:

because we don’t know the actual story of isaac’s death, it’s hard to say what role yohan played in his death, but i don’t know that i believe he was the one who did it. the entirety of the devil judge is relying on unreliable narration, so it’s difficult to gauge (for now since we’re on ep 7) how this will turn out and what happened, but to me, it really comes across as yohan upset over the insinuation that he could be the one to cause the death of the one person he loved the most. plus, i think it says a lot that he cares/loves elijah, and she was part of isaac. gaon crossed a thine line. yohan essentially welcomed him in, and this is gaon toeing it. we can also look at this is not gaon being an outsider to their family, but now has become part of the family, and so it’s easier for yohan to be ‘abusive,’ if you will, rather than the perspective of gaon still on the sidelines and pushing too far. by this i mean, the accusations made by gaon threatens their formulating family dynamics.

and once again, the only person he ever actually reaches out for is isaac.

and then we have the aftermath of yohan’s nightmare, where he’s still caught in the dream as gaon comes in, and refuses to be touched after, even if gaon’s intention is to see if he’s okay. yohan makes it very clear to gaon not to touch him, and that’s when elijah comes in with a very accusatory ‘what are you two doing?’ in this moment, yohan is not just vulnerable, but he’s emotionally sensitive. i’ve no doubt he’s still dealing with a form of sensory overload from his dream.

and then, i don’t know that this was necessary? was it necessary?

the following set of scenes are the ones where gaon tells him he’s a victim and he hasn’t confronted his own emotions about his abuse. i think yohan realizes gaon is right to some degree, but it is convoluted, and it’s not so simple to face your own traumas. however, he does for a moment after gaon leaves, remember another instance of abuse he couldn’t stop but wishes he could, wishing a parental figure of sorts would’ve come in to save him like his older self is trying to save the kid version if only he could turn back time, if only he had the power to do what he wish someone else had done for him.

and then the kidnapping scene is just. fucked up in and of itself. it actually makes my skin crawl. not because sunah is scary necessarily, but the lack of autonomy yohan has - especially when we find out later more of sunah’s story. to do something like this after what she’s suffered through makes this scene even more disturbing.

you can see the moment yohan hears heels when sunah (not knowing it’s her yet) comes in. literally the minute he knows someone’s headed his way, he checks the fuck out. his whole face goes slack, especially when sunah reveals herself. and when she’s kissing him? blank as fuck, too. it’s the most dead-eyed stare i think we’ve seen from him.

episode six

so, we get this gem from elijah that i’d like to touch on later. it’s more speculation and just me running through ideas more than it is canon fact. but what it does let us know is that yohan doesn’t seek people out. he prefers to be at home and staying there.

after we get the maid story, and we do get yohan touching sunah’s cheek, and in some fucked up twisted way, this is his way of protecting one of the things isaac cherishes the most. the point of the gesture isn’t just intimidation but serves as an act of intent, of protection in the only way yohan knows how. he’s safeguarding isaac. you can tell he doesn’t actually like sunah at all as a kid, but uses that to his advantage. imagine yohan learning violence for ‘good’ things when his father used violence for ‘bad’ things. what a twisted way of looking at it? and the irony at hand.

additionally, the main reason i’ve included so many varying scenes of yohan touching people isn’t to establish that he’s okay with being touched given how many scenes there are of him randomly shaking people’s hand or touching them. it’s all about context and what the intent is for. most often than not, really way more often than not, yohan only reaches out for people when it’s socially acceptable to do so and because it’s manners. and yet, even in some of those cases, there is still intent behind the gesture.

the moments he acts out the most are when he’s not in front of an audience, when he’s more likely to be alone with his thoughts and is exceptionally more vulnerable to his own triggers.

and i think the scene after he’s back at his house from the kidnapping is noteworthy because it doesn’t just feel like he’s shaking off the effects of the drugs he was given. he seems to visibly trying to compose himself of the mental and physical play he just had to deal with.

the next scene is yohan angry with gaon for taking elijah out. which really, he does have every right to be angry, and one thing i didn’t note above during the ‘you killed your brother’ choke out scene before is that when yohan is backed into any kind of corner, he reacts like a caged animal.

because we’ve already established the scenes with his abuse, his father took his anger physically out on yohan. so how else was yohan supposed have developed the tools to express it? it’s easy to hurt the things you love the most; it’s easy to abuse the ones you know, and between gaon and himself, they both have an unhealthy dynamic because gaon is old enough, strong enough to take whatever yohan gives him. gaon is not family and so there’s still that clear divide and a distinction as to why he lays a hand on gaon but not elijah, for example. gaon can still pose a threat. elijah is family. then again, it can also be said that maybe yohan considers gaon family, and gaon betrayed elijah and therefore yohan, and you don’t do that. not with yohan’s understanding of family dynamics.

but with that said, it begs the question why yohan keeps gaon around, and i think some of that has to do with the fact that gaon surprises yohan. he might’ve set his sights on him long before he became an associate judge or maybe he took interest after gaon was chosen for the role (this is still up in the air), but deep down, yohan sees something in gaon despite his snooping, despite his righteousness. it could be the potential; it could be the fact that gaon could be better than yohan if he just allowed himself to loosen the ropes he’s tied himself with when it comes to the court of law and the justice system.

but here’s the thing that idk a lot of people have really picked up on. gaon is one side of the same coin underneath it all. he’s also provoked yohan with physicality when yohan brought up details about soohyun.

to be fair, we can say that yohan evokes a different type of anger in gaon, one that he hasn’t tapped into for years that allows him to open up to that more physical side of himself he learned to put behind him. gaon doesn’t really come across as the physically threatening type, but yohan does push his buttons and vice versa.

but then, of course, we have the big fight scene where gaon goes in on the attack, and that’s when yohan makes his threat not to attack him ever again. it’d be easy to say he says it based on the merit of him not actually attacking soohyun, but seriously speaking, the intent feels much more than that. more along the lines of asking gaon not to provoke him without warning again because next time might be bad. most of their other fights, especially the one above,have been in the midst of conversation. this time, it’s from a place of complete surprise, and you can tell yohan goes on the defensive when his first instinct is to not just throw gaon back but raise his fist to strike.

episode seven

the only physical contact yohan has with anyone is the president, and that’s when he turns on the live video of the two of them, and it’s clearly intended to be a lowkey threat. he keeps pulling the president back into his side to be on the live camera after the dude tried to come after yohan. i do think it’s hilarious that yohan manipulated the situation with a live component just as the president and the rest of the rich people thought they could turn a live court show into manipulating the public.

and then, of course, the jail scene. the part where he makes gaon stay. he also touches gaon’s shoulder later just before they leave.

episode eight

the most prominent scene in this ep is certainly the scene where sunah comes onto yohan, and you can tell she did it to get under his skin in some way. of course, he’s smart and knows she’s up to something, but i think it’s so interesting how he wraps his fists around hers, almost as if to tame her and prevent her from trying to further put her hands on him.

we also know yohan has no issue with using physical force regardless of who it is (obviously, his dialogue in this scene, too) when he feels caged or trapped. his intention is also to retrieve isaac’s necklace, and i like how he uses literally anything to his advantage. meaning, he’ll use physical touch, his mentality, etc to get what he wants or needs, even if it is marginally uncomfortable to some degree.

and i think that also says alot about him is that he’s able to displace what makes him uncomfortable in moments like this to achieve an end goal.

additional thoughts

i know this isn’t really common with a lot of the characters in general, and could be chalked up to a cultural component, but yohan’s definitely not a hugger.

the other thing i wanted to note is yohan’s seemingly adherence to touch unless it’s for good reason in relation to sex. the main reason i bring it up is because i’ve seen it discussed a bit, especially in regard to elijah’s comment about him not staying out overnight since the fire. there are a few plausible scenarios, maybe more, but for the sake of this, we’ll go for these.

yohan has had past relationships/experience or will in future episodes

day flings

he’s never had an interest in anyone before given his upbringing and abuse and therefore never sought out sex

inexperience could be from lack of interest in other people and sex itself

he’s never found anyone to really connect with and trust in such a way and has avoided it for that reason

and i bring this up mainly because i think it could be something to explore in fanon, but also because i’m kind of annoyed with how people have been talking about yohan being a virgin. i’m not quite sure what the joke is, but lack of sexual experience does not mean naive or that he doesn’t have a sense of humor when that’s clearly far from the truth:

i don’t know that people find it unbelievable because of his age, because of characterization of yohan being more dominant, but none of these things negate this being an option. i think it’s perfectly plausible of a situation (from what we know right now), and truthfully, it would make a whole lot of sense. i just don’t get the jokes about it that i’ve been seeing online (twitter) when there isn’t a mutual exclusiveness to any of it whatsoever.

yohan already has a hard time connecting with people, and i can imagine that level of physicality could be difficult. clearly he knows how to use a version of it to get what he wants. i’ve no doubt he’s used his charms in situations where he’s needed to. yohan knows he has that going for him, at the very least. but sexual appeal and jokes doesn’t mean having a body count any more than it could indicate there being one.

lastly, i also want to pull these paragraphs from @b612sunsets​‘s post because i think they do a much better job than i ever could of explaining, short and sweet, a fundamental part of yohan’s characterization, and mainly what i was trying to get at with this long ass post.

“There's two things we already know about Yohan from the last 6 episodes: he hates being touched when he doesn't see it coming and doesn't have control over it because of the abuse he suffered (I assume). To name a few: Soohyun grabbing his elbow to stop him from leaving and get answers about Gaon, the beggar that touched him while he searched for the fireman, Gaon after punching him and Yohan clearly telling him to NEVER do it again. The impression it gave to us is that if there's a next time he might not be able to stop his instinctive reaction of defending himself and using violence back (something worse than choking or pushing Gaon and he doesn't want to do that with him).

“Unless it's a friendly/small/slow touch like in the breakfast scene when Gaon touches his arm when he gets up to offer them some fruits. When he had the nightmare with Isaac, his walls were up high so even if he could see Gaon's touch coming and it was friendly, he decided to stop it because he was too defensive and sensible to accept the gesture (it would be the first time Gaon started physical contact with him too, he wouldn't be ready for that in such a state).

“The second thing is that Yohan hates when people take what is his or mess with what is important to him. Again, to name a few: Sunah with the necklace when she was a maid, the fireman with Isaac's watch (Yohan made them fall from high places, not caring if they died or not), the guy that fabricated the small bombs that hurt Gaon (Yohan would have burnt his face if "K" hadn't stopped him) and Gaon taking Elijah out of the house to Soohyun without previous notice (a cop and someone he doesn't trust).”

yohan has a very, very large sense of self-preservation for himself and for those he cares about. it’s in his intention, actions, facial expressions, movements, the way he interacts with people. i find it fascinating how calculating he can be, but at home, he’s at his most vulnerable and almost socially unaware and awkward.

yohan is a bit of an irony. he understands people from an action-oriented, instinctual level, but he doesn’t necessarily understand their thoughts and emotions in the waves of nuances that people live through on the daily. like, he gets it to an extent and on a practical level, but he himself is a square trying to fit into a circle - he doesn’t always understand it for himself and has to actively work on social cues so as not to come across as the devil child he was once painted to be.

and let it not be unsaid, yohan really will go to the ends of the earth for family, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone.

and so anyway, i doubt this offered any real insight, but i think this is my way of breaking all of this down for myself. so, tada!!! lmao

#x #the devil judge #the devil judge meta #* #*the devil judge

[jjungkookislife]

Fic Recs 2020 Pt. 1

Seokjin

let’s get married [SMAU] @hangsangwithbts

Summary: seokjin has no intention of getting married, but after facing tremendous pressure from his family to finally settle down, he comes up with the brilliant idea to fake a marriage. the lucky bride just so happens to be you.

voice mail @joonary

summary: kim seokjin is best known around campus for his romance advisory podcast, voice mail, but to you, he’s just your lovable idiot of a best friend. but when he accidentally lets it slip that he’s fallen for one of your fellow peers, you can’t help but be a little bit curious (and quite frankly, a tad bit jealous).

Yoongi

cheers if you agree @out-of-jams

summary: If it weren’t for the fact that he didn’t know who you were or even how to get into contact with you, Yoongi wouldn’t be posting all over Weverse for anyone to see. Not that he thought anyone would be smart enough to put the pieces of the puzzle together with how many people responded to his posts anyway.

snake kisses @peekaboongi

summary: You are grossly unprepared for the snake hybrid that enters your life. Yoongi is quiet and sneaks around you but eventually, even the cold reptile warms up to you.

under construction [SMAU] @luffles424

summary: In which y/n is just trying to figure out what to do with her life with the help from her (un)helpful friends

Hoseok

going once, going twice, sold @bxebxee

summary: But the real reason anything at all started with Hoseok was something much simpler, and probably wholly unexpected - not that you ever planned on any of the other members of the MBA Society to find out.You leave your unlocked phone in his car before stumbling your way into your tiny, studio apartment. And he sees a twitter notification asking you for further discount on your panties.That is all it takes.

just practice @lamourche

summary: The second time you hook up with Jung Hoseok, he doesn’t remember the first time.  You’re surprised.  It was only a few weeks ago, and you were in a broom closet. That has to be different, right? (Well, not really, you’ll learn.)

game over @9uk

summary: your boyfriend has been gaming all day without paying much attention to you. that is until his friends on discord brings up the moaning noises in the background.

you’re my kryptonite @dovechim

summary: Superheroes are immortal, they are everything we are not. The Krypton are a race of superhumans sent down to Earth to protect humans, and they are the epitome of nobility and protection. You have always believed in their immortal, God-like powers, revered and admired them your entire life. Your wish for your very own superhero is granted when you meet Jung Hoseok, a Krypton with the most unique, powerful abilities you’ve ever seen.

Namjoon

first, do no harm @yandere-society

summary: Dr. Kim is well known as the most skilled heart surgeon in the hospital, but when you notice his mortality statistics seem skewered, you discover all is not what it seems. Now, Dr. Kim is offering you a choice: will you join him? Or become yet another broken heart beneath his scalpel?

internet friends [SMAU] @bts-celestials​

summary: meeting through online, namjoon slowly starts to fall for the person who likes all the things he’s into. maybe having friends online is fun.

Jimin

reset @dovechim

summary: We are made of the pieces of what we remember, and we hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there are memories to call our own, there can be no true loss. But Park Jimin has no such privilege.

paparazzi (tw: flash banner) @chinkbihh​

summary: What if the roles were reversed and it was Jimin who was the fan and you who was the idol?  But what if he wasn’t just a casual fan, but an avid fan?  Maybe even a sasaeng…  

Taehyung

the morning after @softlyjiminie

summary: one night, full of passion, whispered promises and heated kisses. one morning, full of regret and unwanted memories. is a night with your ex enough to send you running back into the arms of the devil?

fake love @mygsii

summary: an arranged marriage between you and taehyung leaves behind feelings of bitterness and hatred. will your heart be able to survive, especially when you’ve loved him all your life, or will it fall apart with this marriage?

cheap skate @gukslut

summary: Who doesn’t know Taehyung and his lady? Cutest couple in town, I’d say, and have been since they started dating in their college days. Oh, that was a while ago, though. And still, they’re happy as can be in that place they have together. Almost hate seeing one without the other, y’know, it’s like seeing just one testi- oh, right, I’m not supposed to talk like that. Anyhoo, I only say that because I saw Taehyung at a jewelry store the other day while I was buying my sweet Jiminie his presents. Maybe that boy’s finally gonna pop the question, but I do hope he’s got a good plan for it. Something sweet and romantic. Maybe I’ll find out after Jiminie gets back from that cabin he’s visiting.

baby i @jiminsfault

summary: a one night stand with a stranger leads to so much more than just great sex

Jungkook

only for love [SMAU] @lysjeon

summary: for almost four years it had been just him and sarang, and he had no plans on changing the life they had become accustomed to any time soon, but of course y/n has to come and shake his world.

one time in your room @ubemango

summary: There are papers to write, and virgins to daydream about. (You can think about Jeongguk’s dick later.)

piss off your parents @littlemisskookie

summary: In an effort to piss off your parents you move in with their worst nightmare- a boy with tattoos, a rock band, and an irresistible charm.

departure @nomnomsik

summary: As a flight attendant for Korean Air, you’re scheduled for a thirteen-hour flight to Japan. However, things get intimate between you and your partner and co-pilot, Jeon Jungkook, when he realizes Park Jimin, the famous idol from Korea, broads the plane and blatantly flirts with you.

curiosity @hobidreams

summary: when innocent jungkook comes to you with a not-so-innocent question… you decide it’s easier to just demonstrate.

inkling @gguksgalaxy

summary: Jungkook is your brother’s boyfriend’s co-worker, they own a tattoo and piercing parlour. In other words, he’s tall, gorgeous, has his passion literally etched into his skin, looks incredibly good in a man-bun, and is semi-unattainable for you. Why? Well…you’re not entirely sure but him ditching right after a very heated make-out session sure isn’t a good sign. His extremely poor mood the next week sure isn’t either, but the only way to fix it is to face the beast head-on. Right?

j’aime @baepop

summary: You’re the newest hire at a local café and head barista Jeon Jungkook takes you under his wing.

pop goes the cherry @1oserjk

summary: jungkook comes back home to find you visiting as well, all grown up — in more ways than one.

skirt chasers @1kook

summary: “Baggy clothes are in, but you wouldn’t know that, Miss I Draw Inspiration From Catholic School Girls.”

kiss it better @jincherie

summary: When one goes to Kim Seokjin for advice, it’s almost guaranteed to never end well. This is something Jungkook learns quickly when he mistakenly follows treasured advice to ‘be smart’ and ‘use his assets’. He just did what he was told! Of course, the execution was a bit poor… and embarrassing. But hey, if rocking up to cheer practice in a skirt doesn’t woo your crush, what will?

pay by play @yoonia

camboy!au

deeply poisoned @xmagicxshopx

summary: Kiss me on the lips, a secret just between the two of us. Deeply poisoned by the jail of you. I cannot worship anyone but you and I knew the grail was poisoned but I drank it anyway.

speeding ticket @minstrophywife

summary: Caught speeding to get home in time, you find yourself pulled over by a very delicious cop. Perhaps you can talk your way out of the ticket.Or,“I’m afraid I’m going to have to do a cavity search ma’am.”

OT7/Multiple Members

buttercream @minniepetals

summary: you were always adorable in their eyes, sometimes a little too adorable.

dulce periculum @forgottenpasta

summary: Devious and devilish, your two new impish hybrids never miss a chance to torment you for your hopeless attraction to them, knowing exactly what they do to you. But is sly sexuality and enigmatic allure all there is to the tiger and wolf hybrid, or do the depths of their eyes hide something more for you? Part ½

tropicana @dragunjk

summary: groovy punch sippin

amaranthine @koyamuses

summary: As the sole owner of Nightshade, a quaint bed and breakfast on the outskirts of the city, you find pleasure in rising each morning to tend to your guests but behind closed doors and within the shadows, you are the covenant leader to a group of young vampires who have claimed you as their mate.More often than not, your day is brimming with a mix of daily chores and back door deals that ensure the survival of your covenant. However, everything changes when three werewolves come stumbling into your life, all three of them claiming it was your scent that drew them closer as the words true mate ring into the silence.

testosterone boys @kiwiscript

summary: A little end of the year party tradition gets taken too far.

operation love letters @ve1vetyoongi

summary: When every student on campus is going crazy about a survey that claims to make true love bloom, your best friend manages to convince you to join in on the fun — except you’re disappointed to find out that your results just seem to be lost causes. That is until a love letter from a mysterious secret admirer turns up and you find yourself on a mission to find the person behind the pen — but you quickly realise it’s going to be a lot harder than you initially thought when you have 7 possible bachelors to investigate, right? Operation: Love Letters a-go!

our princess @iridescentjin

summary: In your newly established poly relationship, you are intimate with both Taehyung and Seokjin at the same time for the first time.

#fic recs #fic recs 2020 #fic recs masterlist #jjungkookislife fic recs #jjungkookislife fic recs masterlist

[magioftheseas]

A Smile In Fragments

Summary: When Komaeda first woke up, Hinata didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe he wanted Komaeda to scream, maybe he wanted Komaeda to cry, or maybe... Maybe deep down, he wanted Komaeda to smile at him and accept his situation with that carefree calm he had been stuck on for months now.He got that in the worst possible way.

Rating: T+

Warnings: Suicide attempt which results in copious gore.

Notes: This is another old-ass wip that I finished up and posted, which means it was written pre-dr3. Back in the day, I was curious about Amnesiac Komaeda AUs set post-sdr2, so I tried my hand at it. This is what happened. Yeah. It’s, uh, pretty rusty but I guess I have some amount of fondness for it.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

Just Komaeda smiling at him was enough to make him snap.

“What,” Hinata snarled, stalking forward as the boy in the sheets faltered. That damn smile wilted but Hinata only felt his anger flare burning hot before his eyes. “What the hell were you even thinking?”

Komaeda hesitated to answer and Hinata loomed over him, fists shaking at his sides and glare absolutely poisonous. That the other couldn’t dignify him with some self-righteous answer was even worse. “Do you even understand the shit you’re in right now? Did you honestly think pulling that stunt would make anything better? I was trying, alright? I was trying to help you only for you to just...”

He stopped, trembling with fury and unable to even say it as he shut his eyes. Komaeda made a noise. A familiar sound that has Hinata nearly lose his temper and commit an act he’d regret... But instead, he lets out a heavy sigh and gives Komaeda a look of disgust.

His look drops when he sees how Komaeda’s reacting—how he’d been reacting ever since Hinata started yelling at him.

Komaeda looks terrified—sincerely, purely scared in a way that Hinata had never seen before. He’s back against the wall, knees tucked between them like a barrier and arms pressed close against his chest. His body’s wracked with tremors, his eyes wide like a child’s, and Hinata’s anger utterly dissipates back into worry.

“Komaeda...?” he asks, voice softer with a bit of a waver. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m... I’m sorry...” Komaeda manages just as the nurse bursts in.

“Hinata-san,” she says and Hinata has to tear his sight away. He hears Komaeda stifle a sob, and the seriousness in the nurse’s eyes doesn’t stop him from flinching. “We need to talk.”

--

When Komaeda first woke up, Hinata didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe he wanted Komaeda to scream—his plan failed after all, tremendously so because not only were they all still alive, but he was still alive as well...and the only person who really died was never living in the first place—or maybe he wanted Komaeda to cry—I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, but how likely was that—or maybe... Maybe deep down, he wanted Komaeda to smile at him and accept his situation with that carefree calm he had been stuck on for months now.

Instead, Komaeda shut down as soon as he woke up. He shut them out.

He was in poor condition upon waking and needed to be nursed, so it didn’t require much effort on his part. The rest of them avoided visiting him, too, except for Hinata who was desperate enough to want something...and maybe a little bit anxious because he remembered the last time they left Komaeda alone to his own devices. Not that it mattered, because even when Hinata tried to be polite, Komaeda seemed content to ignore his existence. Like he really was the Ultimate Nobody.

It made him angry enough to stop trying. But he still worried—that traitorous niggling feeling digging under his skin like a parasitic worm and aggravating him to the point where he felt like he was going to go insane. But there was nothing he could do, right, if Komaeda wasn’t going to acknowledge him—there was nothing he could do...

But, god, desperately and shakily pressing torn bits of fabric to Komaeda’s head in a frenzied attempt to stop the bleeding—if there was really nothing he could have done to prevent this...

“Don’t, please don’t die,” he begged, heart pounding. He already called Naegi in hysteria but Hinata was terrified at the bleak, real possibility that it’d be too late. Komaeda’s eyes were already fluttered shut and blood was still pulsing and slicking his trembling fingers. “Please, Komaeda, stay with me, stay with me... I-I can’t...”

It’s only by the time the others get there that Hinata realizes he’s been crying. He tries to wipe the tears away but ends up smearing Komaeda’s blood on his face instead. In seconds, he’s hyperventilating as Naegi takes his shoulders and murmurs to him: it’ll be fine don’t lose hope Komaeda-kun will be fine, you saved him Hinata-kun it’ll be fine...

In the end, Komaeda is saved. Hinata washes away his blood from his hands. And when Hinata hurries to go visit him, Komaeda turns and gives him a smile.

--

Komaeda smiled at him again when he entered. But this time the smile was tinier, more fearful—and the more Hinata thought about it, the more the smile from before seemed more for the sake of platitude. And yet he got angry.

This wasn’t the time to feel guilty over it. But he should...

“I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. I...” I wasn’t aware of your condition. But I say something like that, and he’ll know I meant it. The yelling part. I did mean it. But I wouldn’t have been like that if I knew... Does that even mean anything? Does apologizing mean anything? What am I supposed to...? “I’m sorry, Komaeda. Do you really not...”

“I forgive you.” Komaeda’s smile was still meek, but also a bit wider, and Hinata didn’t know if that was good or not. He shouldn’t get conceited when Komaeda still seemed so unsure and insecure. “From what I can tell, I think I’m at fault too... You did say you trying to help me, so... Ah, it’s fine. I just ended up startled, because...you know...”

It’s not like you would even know why I’d lose myself like that... You don’t even know who I am anymore... And it’s weird that he’d be so sheepish about it, too, because it’s not like Komaeda chose to conveniently get retrograde amnesia when he did. Hell, the amnesia thing was probably the furthest thing he was aiming for and that was...

Just fine. As far as Hinata was concerned, when things don’t go Komaeda’s way is preferable to otherwise. Komaeda’s way was twisted and distorted and could invariably lead to disaster. Hinata was aware of this from experience, though he was also aware he didn’t fully understand it. It was entirely possible he never would. Still... “Is there anything you want?”

“Huh?” Komaeda looked at him, his head at a bird-like tilt and wide doe eyes. “I’m...sorry? I don’t know if I can answer that question easily...especially when I’m not entirely sure if I can trust you. Yet, at least.” He looks almost apologetic and Hinata really doesn’t get that either. But finally, Komaeda’s looking a bit bright again, and it’s more of a relief than he cares to admit. “So the nurse did explain what’s wrong with me, right? Recently wrong, I mean. There were problems before... Ah, but I don’t know if you know about that so I’ll just stop here. Did she tell you or not?”

“You don’t remember,” Hinata states it bluntly, his throat thick as Komaeda nods in response. “You’ve experienced trauma that resulted in you losing your memories. You... You don’t remember me anymore, do you?”

“No, I don’t,” Komaeda says, his smile sad. “Nor do I remember how I got here. But I’m not completely a blank slate if it means anything! I remember some things that happened to me before—like once, I had a dog? Ha-ha, something like that... There are still holes in the memories, sadly, but at least they’re still there. If it helps, I think one of the last things I remember is getting an acceptance letter.”

“An acceptance letter? For where...?” Hinata was already dreading the answer. Komaeda chewed on his lower lip with a soft hum.

“Some esteemed academy... But I don’t recall the name...”

“Was it Hope’s Peak?” Hinata’s stomach drops. “Y-You...don’t remember Hope’s Peak?”

“Was that the name of the school? That sounds about right.” Komaeda didn’t sound so sure despite his chipper tone. “Sorry, my memory stops there. But since I’ve been diligently explaining my delicate situation, perhaps you could fill me in a bit on the things I don’t know? It’d only be fair, after all...” He holds up his left wrist, tracing the bandages around the stump as he observes it in plain curiosity. “I’m not entirely sure how I got this. The nurses won’t tell me and to be frank, I highly doubt it was from the incident that resulted in my amnesia. It’s a bit healed over and... I think that acceptance letter was a while ago...before this. I’m not sure, but do you know?”

“I-I...” Hinata hesitates, blatantly. “I-I wasn’t there...when you lost it... S-Sorry...”

“So you don’t know? How disappointing.” Komaeda sighed. “Isn’t that so unfortunate? How am I supposed to write? My handwriting’s awful enough as it is and... Oh. Right. Your question. No, I don’t remember going to school at all. I just remember getting accepted.”

“Do you remember anything after that?” Hinata asks. “Like...your classmates? School assignments? F-Field trips?”

“Hm. Those are some generic questions. I get the feeling you’re hiding things from me...” But Komaeda grinned cheekily as Hinata froze for a moment. Komaeda laughed it off like it was no big deal. “Ah, it can’t be helped. But no, sorry. I barely remembered the school’s name after all. Oh, wait, I do remember being on a boat... Actually yeah. I was on some kind of boat.”

“Do you like boats? You seem to be enjoying yourself.”

Hinata blinked hard to dispel the image, but Komaeda turned to him with realization clear in his gaze and face lighting up. “That’s right! You were there, weren’t you? You have the same eyes from earlier, though I see you cut your hair... Funny, didn’t you never want to see me again? You were quite cold, you know...from what I remember. What else were we discussing?”

“It’s not important,” Hinata says, voice quick and thick. “None of those things are important anymore. I didn’t mean anything I said back then. That... That’s not me anymore, so you mustn’t worry.”

“Oh...” Komaeda looks a bit disappointed, but still a bit hopeful. “Um. I don’t remember you introducing yourself...”

That’s because I didn’t. Not back then. I didn’t deem it important.

“What’s your name again?”

Hinata swallows. “Hi...Hinata. Hajime Hinata. I was...” Your classmate? But that’s not true, is it? I was never in that...

“My friend, right?” Komaeda asks, and Hinata’s chest seizes up for a moment. And Komaeda looks bashful too, rubbing at his shoulder with a light blush on his face. “I really am sorry... I must have worried you a lot to make you so angry... Though I don’t know how good my words are when like this. But really, I sincerely appreciate you caring so much. Especially since our first meeting didn’t go so well... But since you’ve changed, I guess... We’re friends now?”

You’ve got that wrong. I didn’t understand you. I don’t even know if I can forgive you. Even though you’re alive now, I feel like things have never been more complicated. I don’t know what we were, but it sure as hell was not...

“Or I’m wrong,” he hums, halting Hinata’s thoughts with a self-effacing sigh. “For all I know I could have just been a troublemaker you got saddled with. Isn’t that more likely?”

Hinata doesn’t answer, but Komaeda gives him another sincere smile that takes his breath away. “But I still like you, Hinata-kun. You must be a really kind person to worry so strongly over someone like me. I don’t have to remember our exact relationship to notice that; especially when you were so fired up earlier. I’ll try and do my best, so don’t fret so much, okay?”

I...I may never understand this person...

--

“I don’t want to go back.”

The words were simple, clear, and concise. And yet, they didn’t make any sense at all.

“Komaeda,” Hinata groaned, reaching for the other only for him to avoid his hand. Komaeda’s stare remained—those same wide doe eyes and lips pulled into a neutral straight line—but Hinata grew more agitated by the minute.

The wind blew, ocean waves crashing below, and when Hinata’s eyes drifted from Komaeda, they landed immediately on the edge of the cliff not too far behind the two. The idea appeared in his head and soon sank to his gut, and Hinata nearly begged as he attempted to grab Komaeda. “Come on...!”

“If you’re going to take me back,” Komaeda murmured, face unreadable as he continued to evade his swiping hand. “Then I have no choice.”

“Please, please don’t...”

“Hinata-kun.” It was the first time Komaeda had said his name in months, and it sounded raspy. Awful. Hinata hated the way Komaeda said his name. But he still missed it. And that just made it worse. “What do you think will happen? Good luck or bad luck? Make a prediction—just like you did the first time we met. Hopefully, you won’t be wrong like last time.”

Hinata shouted his name, fear breaking through his anger as he launched himself forward towards the other. He missed Komaeda by mere centimeters and he only saw a blur of white and blue before there was only the barren cliff before him.

Whatever shock he would have gone into was shattered when he heard the soft, muted impact from several feet below.

--

“Oh good morning, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda brightly greeted him, waving his good hand once he saw Hinata standing blankly in his doorway. Hinata wasn’t sure how he looked, and Komaeda gave no comments to it, but there was a slightly concerned way to how Komaeda tilted his head and smiled a bit more. “It’s a bit early... Is something wrong?”

“...Nightmare. I had a nightmare.” With those words out, he stumbled to get close, nearly tripping in his haste to reach out and grasp Komaeda’s still elevated hand. He squeezed it once, briefly, and pulled his hands back to wipe his clammy palms off his pants. “Sorry. I... I just had to make sure for a moment.”

“It’s fine...” Komaeda pulled his hand close, curling it against his chest. His worried smile remained on his face, and Hinata tried not to stare at the bandages wrapped around his head. There were scars there before, from previous hospital trips, and Hinata can only imagine how much worse they’d look now with where his head had bashed on a rock.

“Um... Hinata-kun?”

Hinata’s gaze snapped back.

“I’m sorry,” Komaeda spoke with such ease, and yet, so much regret. “I’m really, really sorry. I just... I feel like I should beg you for forgiveness.”

You should, but I won’t be happy when you’re like this. It’s...

It’s fine.

“Komaeda...”

Even if I won’t ever understand, even if we’re just back at square one again... Even so...

“I should’ve said this earlier,” Hinata said, forcing a smile. “Welcome back.”

Komaeda blinked at him, but he smiled once more. It actually wasn’t half-bad. It might’ve even been a little lovely.

I can keep trying a little while longer.

#KomaHina #nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #sdr2 #HinaKoma #Magi fics #suicide tw #sdr2 spoilers #I guess

[autisticcassandracain]

I have many thoughts on the weird phenomena in the DC fandom and the Batfam fandom specifically where probably the majority of people just straight up. haven’t interacted with the source material. and almost all of those thoughts can be summarized as ‘lmao that’s weird and mildly concerning’.

and because I’m annoying I will list them all here right now <3

1. To preface this post, I mean, obviously, comics are inaccessible as all hell, both in the disability kind of way and the ‘you need to understand the concept of hypertime to fully comprehend the DC timeline’ kind of way. Because of this, even if you don’t have a disability that prevents you from reading comics, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to look at the amount of comics you need to read to have even a base understanding of a character and go ‘no thanks <3′ and just enjoy fanart and fanfic in a vacuum. Ultimately, this is fandom, this is supposed to be fun, it doesn’t really matter.

2. That said, it’s VERY weird to me that the majority of this fandom just straight up hasn’t interacted with the source material, and moreover, that it’s considered rude to tell people that they should do so. It’s especially weird considering the amount of fanon-only fans I’ve seen who straight up have a superiority complex over canon. The idea that it’s gatekeeping to tell fans of something to actually interact with canon is just. so weird, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what ‘gatekeeping’ actually entails. 

3. But honestly I’m less interested in discussing the ways in which canon and fanon fans should interact with each other (personally, I think it would be helpful to create separate tags of some kind, but that’d require quite a big overhaul of the current fandom state) than in figuring out how this actually happened in the first place. On the one hand, it’s obvious; long-running superhero comics the way DC writes them have made themselves so thoroughly inaccessible that most people are simply too daunted to even try. Most media has a cohesive beginning and end (or at least, a planned end somewhere). Comics just... don’t.

But I do think it says something that, even among people who are clearly interested in the characters (since they have, you know, entire blogs about them), the effort to get into comics just seems to be too much to even bother. This really doesn’t bode well for the future of DC Comics. Obviously, I am no expert on anything at all ever, but I’d personally be surprised if DC survives beyond the few decades, at least in its current form/without a big overhaul.

4. But on the other hand, I don’t think the confusing state of DC Comics is the only thing to blame here. Fandom has a well-known problem with reducing any character down to archetypes to more easily ship and write fic/make content with. This problem is particularly prominent in fanfic, which, if you read enough of it, you’ll eventually start seeing not just the same tropes and trends, but essentially the same fics over and over again. And not just within the same fandom; everywhere, or every large fandom, at least. 

Fanon Batfam is entirely built on a bunch of those tropes; insecure/depressed sadboy Tim, team mom with optional hidden trauma/emotional problems Dick, bad boy with a heart of gold + sadboy combo Jason, abused sadboy Damian/angry easily-villified-for-fic-reasons monster Damian, good dad Bruce for found family fic and bad dad Bruce for angst fic, etc. This all culminates in a found family dynamic that’s generic and malleable to whatever fic the writer wants to write.

(This isn’t getting into the ship fic, which I avoid like the plague because the vast majority of it is incest, but I’d bet real actual money that the tropes in those fics fall under what is often preferred by the Migratory Slash Fandom.)

By having a decent excuse not to get into canon (the inaccessibility of comics) and a, by now, well-established fanon fandom, many fans feel free to use the batfam fandom as essentially an excuse to write whatever fic with reduced archetypes and tropes they personally feel the itch to write, without having to bother with even consuming a canon. This is compounded by the fact that canon itself is often contradictory and frankly bad, meaning that whatever interpretation of a character you want/need to go for your fic is at least theoretically backed up by canon (for example, you can just as easily cast Bruce as an abusive shithole dad who his kids need to get away from as a loving father figure who cares deeply for his children), which you can always use as a defense if people question your characterization.

5. This focus on fandom trends and tropes over actual creativity or care for the characters is also visible in the way bigotry manifests in this fandom; namely, in literally the exact way you’d expect. The female characters and characters of colour are shuffled to the side, non-existent, vilified, and/or reduced to harmful stereotypes. 

Barbara is probably the one I saw the most often in fanfic, but usually just as ‘Dick’s girlfriend’, and even then, she was often vilified for Dick angst (especially in fics about examining Dick’s trauma from his canon sexual assault; Kori also often gets the short end of the stick in those). After that, probably Stephanie, who fanon fans don’t really seem to know what to do with, so she’s basically just there as comic relief waffle girl, most of the time, though sometimes she can be used to either further Tim angst or further vilify Tim, whatever the fic calls for. Cass has gotten included more in batfam fics as of late, likely in response to critiques of fandom racism for leaving her out, but again, it’s clear people don’t actually know what to do with her. She’s often reduced to a racist stereotype of a quite, stoic therapist for whatever guy du jour needs it. That, or she’s in Hong Kong and just not there. Duke especially gets left in the dust in fandom, usually just being non-existent, but when he’s there, he’s almost always nothing more than the straight man for the actual fun characters to play off of. Talia probably has it the worst, though, and almost universally gets vilified by fanon stans in order to write sadboy Damian.

All of this is extremely predictable behaviour and falls entirely in line with general fandom misogyny and racism; ignoring or vilifying women and characters of colour, or using them as very minor characters at best. The only two characters of colour who aren’t regularly left out of fic are Dick and Damian, who are both also conveniently the two characters most often drawn and written in a whitewashed manner. In addition, there’s a real trend of demonizing Damian in fanon fics where he isn’t written as an abused sadboy, which I’d argue is in no small part due to fandom racism, considering Damian’s behaviour is in no way as bad as Jason’s, who doesn’t get anywhere close to the same demonization and gets woobiefied instead. I also find it convenient that Damian is probably the batboy who receives the most vilification in fic, when he’s the most obviously non-white of the batboys they’re willing to acknowledge.

Fandom often cries for more diversity in canon, only to ignore the diversity already there and focus on the same generic white guys. The batfam fandom is a brilliant example of this.

Which is not to say that fandom racism and misogyny isn’t present in the canon parts of the fandom (and canon itself); it absolutely 100% is. But I’ve found that canon fans are also more likely to like and care about at least one of the characters I’ve listed as ignored/vilified, and are willing to create and consume content for them, whereas fanon fans... aren’t, really. I’ve never seen a fan of fanon Cass the way I’ve seen fans of fanon Dick, for example. Obviously, this could just be by coincidence, or I’ve just surrounded myself with people like that, but it’s been a trend I noticed. Racism and misogyny is present in every part of this fandom and should be addressed as such, but I feel like it manifests the most blatantly in the fanon parts of this fandom. 

(I’d also recommend the articles Migratory Slash Fandom’s Focus and Beige Blank Slates, which expand more on the type of fandom racism I think is especially prominent in the batfam fandom, as well as literally every article in the What Fandom Racism Looks Like series.)

6. All this leads me to conclude that the majority of fanon fans don’t actually like the characters all that much; they’re convenient excuses for them to participate in fandom. Which I also think is, in no small part, a reason why so many of them react so negatively to being told to pick up a comic; they came to this fandom specifically to consume it as a fandom, because they wanted the fandom experience without having to consume a canon. 

This is not a phenomena unique to the batfam fandom (again, see the Migratory Slash Fandom), but it does fascinate me. While fandom is often said to be an experience focusing on transformative art, I think it’s also safe to say that, especially as fandom has become more mainstream, an increasing amount of people are looking to it less as a way to engage with their favourite pieces of media, and more as a type of media in and of itself. I think the reasons for this are similar to the reasons mass media entertainment like the MCU are so popular; you gain a lot of enjoyment out of it with very little risk involved. 

By consuming the same fics of the same characters (or the same archetypes) over and over again, you are rarely at risk of being challenged or even disappointed. It’s often very clear right from the start whether or not a fic will appeal to you, and if it isn’t, it’s easy to just look for another one. It requires less emotional investment than most other types of media, even ‘popcorn media’ like the MCU - or, yes, DC Comics. It’s safe, it’s enjoyable, it’s comforting, like McDonalds, but just like McDonalds, it’s ultimately bland and unsubstantial. 

7, TL;DR. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s like, wrong to enjoy the fanon version of the batfam without wanting to engage with canon, and I certainly don’t think it’s okay to harrass people over it. But I do think it’s in large part based on a desire to interact with fandom rather than other pieces of media because people are scared of being let down by those pieces of media (or worse, just uninterested in actually thinking), which is mildly concerning. 

#long post #my posts #infodumping #btw i say this as someone who also has trouble consuming much more than popcorn media/fanfic due to emotional exhaustion #but it's not a healthy habit and it's something people can and should try to break out of #also obviously this isn't about EVERY fanon fan specifically so if this doesn't apply to you specifically great then move on

[pixelatedrose]

Sleepy Bois Wing!Au Masterpost

The master post for the Sleepy Bois in my Wing!Au! Under the cut will be links to their art as well as long descriptors of their relationship to one another, the way they feel about their own/others wings, and how they interact with each other on a daily basis!

Full Masterpost

Tubbo: Tubbo loves his wings, and quite enjoys how they feel and look, he loves having bug wings! But seeing Tommy so unhappy with having Moth wings makes him feel almost guilty for loving his own so much. He's not ashamed of his wings, and never has been, but he sees how angry Tommy is at the world for giving him such flimsy wings and often begins to feel upset. Tubbo can very often be found wrapped up in Phil or Techno's wings or with his head on Wilbur's shoulder when he feels this way as he vents out his frustrations to them, the old men always telling him the same things: you shouldn’t worry yourself with Tommy too much. I know you’re worried about him, but feeling bad about something you can’t change won’t help anyone- least of all Tommy. And he tries to take it to heart. And while he may not know the reasons behind it, he can always tell when his friends are upset, and he takes it upon himself to try and make them smile. They always do. But the worst part about it is that Tubbo knows when those smiles are fake only for his sake.

Tommy: Before Tommy's wings grew in, he had always imagined he'd have strong wings. Something big or at least a little bulky- it would match his personality after all. So when he found that he was not going to have bird wings or bat wings- but bug wings- needless to say he was upset. Tommy was already a little late to get his wings when he did, and Tubbo had tried to console him. Easy for Tubbo to say- he had gotten the most perfect wings in the world for him. And Tommy was getting moth wings. They looked and felt like a thick piece of paper- but paper is paper, and paper is NOT strong. To make matters worse, whenever he meets someone new they always call his wings butterfly wings. And that, made him furious. He wasn't happy with what he got but he'd be damned if he let anyone think they were anything but moth wings. They may shit wings, but they were his shit wings. More than a few times Tommy would find himself upset about his wings for one reason or another- too delicate to do something, not strong enough for another, they didn't look right- and would somehow find himself in the comfort of one of his friend's wings or arms. He never spoke about it and neither did they, but he appreciated those moments.

Wilbur: Wilbur is proud of his wings and he likes to show it. He isn’t as blatantly obvious as some people, but he takes pride in his wings. He isn’t good with aerial tricks like Phil or Techno, but instead is very expressive with his wings, flapping them about when he gets excited and such. Some people are jealous of the fact that he's able to do such things, seeing as how short his wings actually are, but Wilbur just sees this as a bonus. The only times he's not smug about his luckiness is around Phil (who scolds him for being narcissistic) and Tommy, for obvious reasons. He knows Tommy is especially jealous of his wings, and if given the chance, probably would trade with the boy. He may love his wings, but he loves Tommy more and knows how important it is for the boy- much more important than nearly anyone else Wil had met- and so the decision is obvious for him. He also ends up trying to help Techno when he feels overwhelmed- the shorter man stress cleaning his wings till feathers come out- but that's an even touchier subject. So he'll clean up his friend's room or make him his favorite meal, anything he can to show Techno that he's got people who love him.

Techno: Techno is a little more indifferent about his wings than most people, especially considering the the wings he has. Most people who first meet Techno will ask him about his wings or compliment them endlessly, seeing as having large, white bird wings are considered one of the most beautiful kinds of wings to have- something to do with angels and such- not that Techno cares at all, he just cares that they're useful. And they are. But they're also not, sometimes. He consistently trips over them or they end up knocking things (or children) over by mistake. Their white color also means when they get dirty it's VERY noticeable, and while Techno wouldn't usually care, he once showed up to a formal event with blood in his feathers, and was so mortified he that fell into the habit of stress cleaning his wings- now to the point of feathers falling out. Wilbur and Phil have tried to help, but its been a slow-going process. It was years and years ago that the event happened, so long ago that Techno hardly remembers the it, and now it's just a stress habit, so whenever he gets overwhelmed he ends up leaving to go clean his wings. The floor of his room is littered in pretty white feathers and he hates it, but doesn't have the heart to clean it up. But sometimes he'll come home and find that all the feathers are gone, and maybe he'll notice Wil or Phil give him a kind glance or sweet smile. He appreciates it, even if he doesn't say so. He's well aware of how Tommy feels about his wings, and while he may not be the best or first person you'd go to for comfort, sometimes he'll sit down next to the kid and wrap his wing around him, not sure if it was the right thing to do until Tommy sighs and rests his head on his shoulder. They never speak about these things. And maybe they never will...

Phil: Phil finds that his wings serve him perfectly. They're a wonderful length and strong, they do what they need to do and have yet to fail Phil. The real conflict begins when it comes to his friends. He knows how each of them feel or act. Wilbur wants to help others as much as he can, but doesn't know how and ends up stressing needlessly over things he has no control over. Techno is a perfectionist with less than savory habits that only end up harming himself. Tommy has fallen hard into a growing hole of self-hatred and is quickly becoming blind to what he has. And Tubbo is well aware of the fact that people fake when he tries to cheer everyone up on a bad day. And so Phil spends the bad days helping his friends in whatever way is best for them- cleaning Techno's room for him- Singing a song with Wil to help him relax- Sitting and chatting quietly with Tommy- Helping Tubbo with chores and giving genuine smiles. He cares for his friends and wouldn't trade them for anything the world had to offer him. Sure he overworks himself sometimes, but what does it matter if everyone ends up better of it?

#mcyt #tubbo #tommyinnit #technoblade #wilbur soot #ph1lza #sleepy bois inc #sbi #Wing!Au #Wing!Au Masterpost #my art #my writing #please ask me questions about my au it's the only thing keeping me going

[unholyobsessions]

Welcome to my dorm pt. 3

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader

Description: After eight months of dating, you finally go visit Spencer and are inconveniently introduced to the team.

Warnings: Implied sex

Word Count: 2.8k

Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 4

You bounce your leg impatiently as the crowded metro finally pulls up to your station. You pick up your duffel bag and push your way to the sliding doors. You frown when you feel someone else’s sweat drip on your arm and wonder if it is always this crowded or if it’s just because it’s Friday. It takes you a second to find who you’re looking for in the sea of people but when you spot him, he’s the only person you can focus on. You jog up to him and drop your bag at your feet before throwing your arms around his neck.

Spencer’s joyous laugh fills your ears and you smile, happy to finally be in his arms again. It has been two months since you have last seen him, two months of absolute torture. Keeping a long distance relationship is stressful, even more so with his chaotic work schedule. Every time he calls you when he has a case, you spend the whole time worried sick, praying that the next call you receive is from him and not from a hospital.

This is an important weekend though, this is the first time that you make the trip to D.C. in your eight months of dating since it’s always him that goes to visit you. And it is finally time for Spencer to make good on the promise he made when you first met of giving you a personal tour.  

He picks your bag off the floor and leads you out of the station. You grip his hand tightly in yours and make conversation as you walk all the way to his apartment catching up on what you couldn’t over phone calls.

His apartment is everything you expected it to be. The living room is lined with dozens mismatched bookshelves that are most likely thrifted or bought at garage sales, his coffee table is empty except for the two piles of FBI files stacked on the edge and there is a small television in the corner with Doctor Who DVDs next to it. His kitchen is neat and looks mostly unused except for the old coffee machine sitting of the counter. He guides you over to his bedroom and you stop at the doorway to study it. There’s an old wardrobe against the wall that he obviously thrifted, the walls are a pale grey color, contrasting the dark green of the living room. The king sized bed is in the center of the room against the back wall. The bedsheets are a navy blue and there is an abundance of pillows on top.

His bedside drawers hold pictures of who you assume are his coworkers at different events. You smile at the picture of a younger looking Spencer, his mother next to him with a book in her hands. The one that catcher your attention however is the three picture frame holding pictures that make the butterflies in your stomach flutter. The one on the right is of you smiling brightly at the camera, a half-drunk iced coffee in your hand. The one in the middle is of you and Spencer sitting next to each other in a bench, you’re laughing at something he said and he is looking at you, a lovesick smile on his face. The last one has both of you sitting on the same bench, but you are now kissing his cheek and Spencer is grinning at the stranger holding the camera.

You remember that day perfectly. It was the third time Spencer went to visit and you spent all day at a park frequented by students. You can’t help but smile at the memory and don’t even realize you are walking toward the frame until you are holding it in your hands. Spencer saying your name inevitably breaking you from your trance.

“That’s my favorite day with you. You were so worried about the midterm you had just taken when I arrived so I made it my goal to cheer you up. It didn’t take long after I bought you coffee.” You turn to look back at him. He had set your bag by the door of his closet and looked like he stared at you for a while before breaking the silence.

“I took you to the park because it was the only place I hadn’t showed you. When the photographer came up to us you reached for your gun before you realized that it wasn’t there. You did not let him anywhere near me until he showed you his id.” You giggled at the memory and set the frame down. “I never got the pictures, I just thought he never sent them.”

“He sent them to me and I guess I just forgot to tell you,” he shrugged.

“You forgot?” Your gaze was doubtful and his playful hum in reply caused you to roll your eyes.

He crosses the room and pulls you into a long awaited kiss. “I missed you,” he mumbles against your lips.

“I missed you too,” you pause and pretend to be in deep thought for a while. “In fact let me show you how much.” You push him to the bed and he grips your hips as you straddle his legs.

“What happened to me showing you around D.C?” He questioned as you kiss his jaw and suck lightly at the spot.

“We have the whole weekend, right now I just want to be with you.” He grins at you pulls you back into a kiss.

. . .

You stand in the kitchen in shorts and Spencer’s purple button up, the strap of your brallette visible as the oversized shirt slips off your shoulder. Spencer’s bare chest is pressed against your back as you whisk the batter of the chocolate chip cookies you decided to make.

“You going to help me roll the dough into balls or what?” You ask, turning around in his arms.

“Or what,” he cheekily replies. You slap his chest and gesture him to help you. He reluctantly agrees and you press play on your laptop, your playlist playing loudly throughout the kitchen. You take double the time you normally would as you take breaks to dance around the room or throw flour at each other. You make it halfway through the dough when there is a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it, don’t burn the cookies!” You call to him, walking away and shaking the flour off your hair.

“How could I burn them?” He called back incredulously.

You laugh as you walk across the wooden floor, making a stop in front of the door. You open it, expecting it to be one of Spencer’s neighbors complaining about the loud music you’re playing. However, you are met by the surprised stares of vaguely familiar people.

“Oh sorry we must have gotten the wrong apartment,” a pretty woman with blonde hair speaks up. “Do you happen to know where Spencer Reid lives?”

The realization hit you like a truck. Your eyes widened as you call out, “uhh Spence?” You glance down at what you’re wearing and curse under your breath. How is it that I am always dressed inappropriately when I open the door, you think.

The people in front of you look confused and are even more surprised when a familiar voice speaks up from deeper in the apartment. “I didn’t burn the cookies! They’re not even in the oven yet!”

You allow yourself to smile before turning a head over your shoulder, “No baby it’s for you.” The pet name slips past your lips so effortlessly that you don’t even notice but the people who have yet to be invited in definitely do.  

“Who is it darling-“ he freezes. My team is here, he thinks, my team is here and I am shirtless with my girlfriend none of them know about. You notice his discomfort, so you grab one of his cardigans hanging by the door and toss it at him. He catches it with ease and slips it over his shoulders. “What are-what are you doing here?” He gulps. Morgan is blatantly staring at you, trying to determine why you look so familiar to him. You shift uncomfortably and hide behind Spencer.

“It’s your turn to host game night,” piped up an eccentric curly haired blonde. “But we can come back another time.”

Spencer opens his mouth to tell them that that is a great idea but you interrupt him. “It’s okay.” Spencer looks down at you surprised because he really cannot think of a worst way to introduce you to his family. He really did not want the first time you met them for both of you to be half-naked.  

“No really we don’t want to intrude,” an older looking man spoke.

“You’re not,” you assure him. “We weren’t going to do anything tonight anyway. I’m y/n.” You step out from behind Spencer and lean forward to shake the man’s hand.

“That’s right!” The dark skinned man on the left exclaims, startling everyone. “We interviewed you for a kidnapping about nine or ten months ago.”

“Umm yeah. Agent Morgan right?” You question, although you know perfectly well who he is.

“Derek’s fine,” he answers.

They all introduce themselves and Spencer ushers them in. You skip back to the kitchen and place the cookies in the already preheated oven.

“So how long have you been dating boy wonder?” You jump and turn around, the woman who you now identify as Penelope smiles at you.

“Oh about 8 months, Spence could probably tell you the exact time down to the hour though.” You shrug. You start wiping down the counter as she gathers drinks for everyone.

“You love him don’t you?” She questions.

“I really do,” you reply.

“Good.” She links both your arms and you walk out of the kitchen together. You sit down next to Spencer on the couch and conversation flows easily, considering you are the main topic of it. You only leave to take the cookies out of the oven once the fifteen minutes are up. As you place the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies on the table the dreaded question comes up and both you and Spencer freeze.

“How old are you?” Prentiss didn’t mean any harm by it, but they can all instantly tell that it made you uncomfortable.

“I’m twenty-one,” you say shyly. You don’t know how they’ll react. Spencer already turned thirty and you won’t be turning twenty-two until another month. The age gap doesn’t bother either of you--you had a long conversation about it when you first got together--but you know it can make other people uncomfortable. It seems that they do not know how to react either because they all sort of stop their movements. Spencer’s grip on your waist tightens and is ready to defend you when JJ speaks up.

“Cool. For a second I though you were going to say twenty and that you were drinking illegally in front of a bunch of federal agents.” You started laughing and the tension immediately leaves the room.

“I am very much a legal adult even though my frontal lobe is not fully developed,” you say. Spencer takes your comment and starts explaining the functions of the frontal lobe and you turn your eyes to him and listen intently to what he says, even though you already know all of it. 

Morgan waits for him to finish and proceeds to takes out the UNO cards. You all place piles of m&ms in the center at the table as your means of exchange. Hotch teases you and asks if you even know what gambling is and you stick your tongue out at him, further proving his point of you being young. The game is extremely intense and there is absolutely no mercy. At some point you give Spencer a +4 and he looks at you like a betrayed puppy.

“I’m sorry baby but this is war,” you lean forward and kiss his cheek. About one hour in, Emily, Dave, and Hotch have all been on the verge of winning but end up having to take dozens of cards before they are able to. Now, both you and Morgan have two cards left and everyone starts conspiring, trying to find a way to prevent the two of you from winning. You look Morgan in the eye and place a card down. “Uno.”  

“Ohh pretty girl it’s so on,” he smirks. Spencer goes, then Emily, Penelope and finally Morgan. At his turn, he places a blue 2 on top of Pen’s yellow 2 and she curses under her breath. “Uno.”

When it’s his turn, Hotch, who has the turn before you, places down a +4 with a triumphant smirk on his face. They all look relieved, especially Morgan, until they see the smile on your face.

“Oh guys,” you start. “You really think I didn’t prepare for that?” With that said you place your own +4 on top of Hotch’s and they all let out load groans. “Don’t try to beat the college student. We take UNO very seriously.” You pull all the m&ms to you and pop one in your mouth.

Rossi angrily throws the cards on the table. “How about we play something that she won’t know, how about poker?”

“Noooo,” you whine. “The only card game I know is speed. Let’s play monopoly!”

“God no,” Penelope exclaims. “We will all end up hating each other.”

“That’s the fun part,” you reply. They all look iffy at your suggestion so you decide to play your cards right and turn to your boyfriend with a pout adorning your lips. “Please?” One look at you and Spencer falls.

“Okay let’s do it. And it is me hosting sooo what I say goes.”

“Yeah yeah pretty boy just admit that you’re whipped.” Morgan chuckled.

Spencer blushed a deep shade of pink and everyone laughed. You kiss his cheek and lean against his side.

Monopoly is even more deadly than UNO, if that is even possible. Emily and Rossi yell at each other over property, JJ screams because she keeps landing in jail, and you keep sneakily stealing Hotch’s money when he isn’t looking. Spencer gives you a disapproving look every time but says nothing. Spencer wins (he brags about it at work for a week) and you all vow to never play monopoly again.

By the end of the night you understand why Spencer loves his team so much.

Morgan is an ass but in the best way possible. He instantly takes to you and you find yourself wondering where he comes up with all his nicknames. You glare at him most of the night though because he keeps messing up your hair.

JJ is basically Spencer’s sister and it is obvious how much she loves him. She was cautious at first, and slightly offended that Spencer never told her about you, but by the end she bid you goodnight with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to invite you to girls night the next time you visit.

Hotch, surprisingly, is the one you click most with. From what you heard from Spencer, he has a reputation of not being able to smile but you don’t agree because in the few hours you have been in his presence he has done nothing but send caring, fatherly smiles your way. He offers to help when you complain about struggling with a political science class you decided to take this year and gives you his card telling you to call him anytime.

Penelope is protective. She will die before she lets anyone in her family get hurt. And although she isn’t a profiler, you find her studying you all night, trying to see if you are good enough for her boy genius. (You are, she concludes)

Dave reminds you of your grandfather. He teases you about your inability to play cards and promises to teach you the next time you visit. He tells Spencer that he will not be welcomed into his home for family dinner unless he extends the invitation to you.

Emily is…well Emily. There is no way to describe her. She is a total badass and you find yourself identifying with her sense of humor. She whispers to you that if you ever break up with Spencer, she would like to inform you that she is single.

After closing the door behind his team, Spencer pulls you to bed and lays his head on your chest. You protest at first, claiming that you need to clean up the mess, but eventually succumb and hold him close.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“For what?” You move your neck to be able to look at him. He has his eyes closed and hums as you run your hands through his hair.

“For being you. For being so perfectly yourself.” he shuffles up and presses a loving kiss to your lips. “I love you. You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

“I love you too,” you mumble against his lips. He lays against your chest again and you both drift off to sleep.

tag: @rexorangecouny​

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid blurb #spencer reid x y/n #dr. spencer reid #criminal minds #cm #bau #bau fic #bau x reader #mgg #mgg blurb #mgg x y/n #mgg imagine #mgg x reader #mathew gray gubler #spencer reid reader insert #mgg reader insert

[katnissmellarkkk]

Okay, onto my liveblog for chapter two of The Hunger Games :

Katniss’ flashback to falling out of a tree and being unable to breathe is such a good analogy, I steal it all the time in my own fics.

I wish the boy who held her up so she didn’t fall was given a name? Katniss just can’t provide names very easily, can she? 😅

“The odds had been entirely in her favor. But it hadn’t mattered” is actually an amazing quotable moment, someone make an edit pronto 👏

No one’s happy when a twelve year old is chosen but ya know. As soon as that kid turns thirteen, off with them! Fair game! 😭😂😅🙃

Hmmm how many of these kids knew immediately Katniss would volunteer for her sister? The way there was a boy ready to catch her before she fell and the way they all just cleared a path for her...

Katniss’ love for Prim had to be prominent because the other kids all seemed to be aware she would volunteer and Katniss claims this is a completely radical, unheard of thing to do. Sooo yeah. Her school peers probably noticed her a lot more than she realized.

Ooo. I just noticed the word choice in “district twelve hasn’t had a volunteer in decades”

Was there a point in time when Twelve had volunteers?

Awww the mayor being sad that Katniss is probably gonna die because he knows her as Madge’s friend 😭😩🤧.

Awww Katniss got presented a medal when her father died, I forgot 🥺🥺🥺

“Bet my buttons” is the worst phrase in history 🤨😐🤭

I like that Katniss’ dead father still has a reputation around these parts 🤧

Helps my fic writing brain to clock it for future reference

Maybe I’m just not nice but I don’t see how Prim is so wonderful that no one can help but love her. Like idk. I feel like this is just Katniss’ bias leaking through. Which is fine it’s better than some clinically detached narrator I hate those FYI

Omg everyone is saluting Katniss and she’s realizing people adore her 🥰🥰

Also ... does this mean Peeta did the three finger salute to her just before being called himself? Idk random thoughts, ignore me.

Katniss is in danger of crying. If this was me, I’d just be sobbing on the ground already.

Haymitch , the og rebel. Looking right into the cameras and calling the Capitol out.

Also ironic how the first thing Haymitch says to / about Katniss is “I like her!” when he spends the rest of the series pretending he, in fact, does not.

“Oh no, not him” is such a love interest introduction, y’all. Gale never stood a chance.

I like how Katniss considers it bad luck for her that Peeta was called 😅. Like... already taking ownership of the boy, sweetheart?

I feel like this is a good time to remind people that medium height is like 5’10. Stop headcanoning Peeta short. Poor Joshy though.

I like how she has never spoken to Peeta but describes the way his hair falls in waves over his forehead 😭🤧

Seems like Katniss thinks Peeta took being called relatively well.

“He has two older brothers, I know, I’ve seen them in the bakery” why is she already trying to defend herself to the audience like “I wasn’t really paying any attention to Peeta Mellark I just happened to notice he had brothers because I saw them once okay?”

Omg Katniss just outright asserting that Peeta’s middle brother definitively won’t volunteer for him. Girl, you just said you don’t know him or his family 😅😅😅.

“Why him?” Still has such a destined, soulmates feel to it. I know they weren’t destined and that’s what a lot of people admire about their relationship but the writing here has always had such a “this guy right here is her soulmate” slant to it, I’m sorry.

“He’s probably forgotten our only interaction. But I haven’t. And I know I never will.” Still continuing with the soulmate-y narration here, Suz Suz, I see.

Oh my god I don’t even remember this line but it’s so sad 🥺🥺🥺🥺🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧😩😩😩😩😩

“The numbness of his loss had passed, and the pain would hit me out of nowhere, doubling me over, racking my body with sobs. ‘Where are you?’ I would cry out in my mind. ‘Where have you gone?’”

I’m so sad now. 😭😭😭

I like that Katniss said “no amount of pleading from Prim” would affect her mother’s depression, as if Katniss easily believes that her own pleas don’t matter but her sister’s are what’s impossible to ignore.

She really needs to stop putting Primmy on this pedestal though it’s not as cute the second or third read around.

“I suppose now that my mother was locked in some dark world of sadness, but at the time, all I knew was that I had lost not only a father, but a mother as well.” I feel like this is just criminally undiscussed. Katniss didn’t know or understand or grasp what depression even was. Like it’s hard enough for kids to forgive parents who abandon them to mental illness when they’re aware what mental illness is. Let alone if you’re just stuck for months / years, not knowing that your mother was sick, instead thinking she just stopped caring for you.

Omg Katniss saying she couldn’t let Prim go to a community home 🤧. Selfless of her. But also sister worry about yourself.

I’m just kidding, I know it’s her character to only be concerned with her little sister above all else.

Mr. Everdeen hating how coal dust settled on everything in the Seam is such a small but interesting detail.

Omg so the meadow is a common place to find corpses of those who starved to death? We maybe should stop romanticizing it.

I like that Mr. Everdeen took Katniss places with him but was like “Hmm, imma leave Prim home, she isn’t cut out for the hunting life”

Idk Katniss being too afraid and shy to go to the Hob without her dad is such a little kid thing though.

Katniss explaining that she was essentially in the merchants backyard

She was essentially dying in Peeta’s backyard 🤧

Wow, I forgot how blatantly violent Peeta’s mother was

Maybe it’s just Katniss’ perspective but every interaction is just her screaming

Aww, his mother called him a stupid creature, why don’t I remember this.

This is so sad omg.

Poor both of them.

One’s starving to death, the other’s utterly abused mentally, verbally and physically.

What’s a weal?

I always read that word as a welt.

Ok I googled it, it’s a big red swollen mark.

So same thing.

Omg now Katniss is saying Mrs. Mellark hit him with an object weapon. This just keeps getting more and more.... sad.

Honestly I haven’t read the books cover to cover since I was a teenager, some of this is a surprise to me.

I always wondered though how that bread was any good, it literally fell onto the wet ground. 😟🤢

Aww, Katniss saying Peeta would get a full beat down if discovered that he burned the breads to feed her 🥵🥵🥵

Okay but if his mother hit him with an object and his eye swoll up and blackened the next day, that could be another reason why he tossed the bread in her general direction and didn’t look at her. I know it was so he wouldn’t be caught by his mother but also he probably couldn’t even see clearly where she was.

The dandelion symbolism 🤧😅😭🥳

Her sarcasm 🤣🤣🤣

Katniss just keeps comparing Peeta to the loaves of bread 😅😅😅

Also she keeps calling him warm and solid and steady

I’m starting to think unconsciously she was already finding herself attracted to him even here.

Him squeezing her hand reassuringly and her chalking it up to a nervous spasm 🙃

I hope when they got married they got a nice screencap of this shot of them on TV facing the crowd, shaking hands.

Make a nice anniversary photo.

Okay, that’s all for my thoughts on chapter two! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

#thgagain #also yes I used a Jen gif leave me be

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hello there. I have a question (more like a thesis): What would have happened if Cas told the Truth anywhere between season 7 and 15? Do you think it would have had the same impact on Dean? Logically speaking Cas could have told him anytime.

Oh gosh, yes. I mean Dean’s reaction in season 15 is still the best it could have been really :P He was in the best place and most accepting of himself and he still had a BSOD for a moment and then Cas had to shove him away so he could go die... (Assuming you take the on screen boring presentation of what happened as canon and not throw in the reciprocation, tears, pull in for a kiss, etc that we know exists either in our hearts or on Jackles’ phone.)

I’ve been thinking about this and the parameters we’d have to apply if we were gonna get something like the show being self-healing back to its self as we know it but we were allowed a confession. Also the show has to be as punishing as ever. So these are my personal theses on each season... 

Season 7 the confession would have to be after Cas comes back, and everything in 7x17 that looked like Dean was jealous of Daphne and Meg textually was meant to be read that way in the set up for the confession. To make it the most painful obviously we still get Cas exactly as he was all through to the end of the season and he never really says anything too different but then right when they’re having the “cursed or not” discussion he’d bust out of nowhere that he supposes it is inevitable Dean would talk him into going on this dangerous mission to get Dick because obviously Cas loves him. And Dean, who is in a weirdly zen sort of place in the remaining minutes of season 7 after Bobby’s send off and final words that helped him go make up with Cas, is in a similarly season 15 oddly okay spot, mental health wise. At least. COMPARED TO ALL THE REST OF SEASON 7. But I still personally have always read it as a genuinely good place for him that could have endured much longer if not for *gestures everything that happened after stabbing Dick* and obviously making up with Cas was step one and a huge part of his process. 

(idk if you’ve noticed but 7x23 pretty much has no Sam and Dean interaction after Bobby’s send off, and their last good broments are really scarce; it feels sort of natural for abrupt calamity and no time for teary farewells in a season with a strong commentary on grief, which also hyperfocuses the attention on Dean n Cas there.)

So I think Dean would maybe be stunned but maybe quirk a sceptical smile like “He can’t mean it like that and anyway he’s currently coo-coo, this doesn’t mean anything hahaha oh Cas :)))” and then idk shake his head and move the story on and Cas just turns one longing look after him like “dammit that didn’t work out like planned” 

Anyway then the exact plot beats of 7x23 follow, exactly as seen on your screens, but we’re left going into season 8 and Carver era with Dean far far more messed up about Cas and it can force clarification in 8x02 in Purgatory where Cas is entirely adamant he meant what he meant and furious at Dean for being mad at him and Dean’s mad at Cas for all the season 8 reasons so they continue angsting at each other but Benny’s reaction shots are just 10x funnier. This is followed by Dean’s reciprocation of “I love you” instead of “I need you” in the crypt scene in 8x17 and from there honestly it’s been built up into canon in such a way that the emotional arc of the show has to go off the wheels and I can’t keep to the self-healing model to continue following the “real” plot and contain this much raw power.

Coincidentally, if the first confession is in season 8, it would be “what broke the connection” after a season 8 where nothing was different up until that point. Cas flaps off while Dean is still processing that the answer was “You. I love you.” and Dean is left yelling at the empty crypt like “What the hell, Cas?!” 

Then he’s as mad at him as he was in canon except instead of being borderline a really bad overreaction into his anger phase which we have to weather as miserable fans tethered to this ship who know sometimes Dean gets mad and yells at Cas for no reason, he’s reacting proportionately. It’s always seemed like 8x22 only makes sense if Dean is furious at Cas for confessing and fleeing except, obviously, in our “”real”” canon, it can only be like Cas confessed and Dean took it that way and also felt embarrassed how far he went with his own feelings only for Cas to run. 

This would make the bar scene with the cupids in 8x23 make a lot more sense too, and after they get the cupid bow Dean’s going to turn to Cas and give him a nervous smile, and then - Naomi flaps in like she does and distracts them away from reciprocation. 

I think this one could go long - maybe even season 13 Cas being dead and Dean being like “FUCK I never got a chance to work things out with him” and 13x06 onwards is where we get any actual work on the ship, because Carver era was so determined to be emotionally gruelling and unsatisfying and relentless from one issue to the next. And the confessions are so bound up specifically in the moments of miscommunication or failed attempts, cut off conversations etc that whether Destiel is canon or not, they’re never gonna get to talk it out under those conditions. Cas is only explicitly the grieving wife and jealous ex to Crowley’s smug take over of Dean’s affections rather than subtextually. 

The season 9 confession... I feel like we’d come perilously close to the Monkey Paw curse we once envisioned of Buckleming making it canon because they love jumping the gun on plot points and making them too obvious. So the end of 9x03, Cas is really blatantly angling to come in with a big “Hey I’m human can I live in the Bunker look at me I learned to do The Sex can we do it now” kind of vibe. All the enthusiasm he was giving to eating that burrito in the background while “Zeke” was trying to get him kicked out, but with lusting over Dean :P 

If we avoid that we can leap to Mr Bobo Berens and his first episode, and have this thing handled by a pro, as it’s already very much about Cas as a homeless queer man with a bad ex he still loves rolling into town where he’s just trying to make a new life and play straight - I mean human - for his own survival. I suspect the confrontation with Iphraim would make it really obvious that Cas didn’t just want to live as a human but had an eye for living as a human with Dean, and then he’d attempt a confession right before Dean would accidentally talk over, like, the L in “love” honestly, to tell him that sorry things do still stand that you can’t come back with me. Leaves Cas utterly devastated but Dean is none the wiser and he drives off and Cas pines piningly at the pine trees in his Gas n Sip. 

Again the end of season probably would force the real confession, since there’s a ready made moment in 9x22 where Hannah tries to force Cas to kill Dean and he gives it all up for one man. Cas can just lower that knife and be like, “No, I love him,” talking to his shoes and Hannah rather than meeting Dean’s eyes. Mark of Cain Dean is fuuuucked up at that point but we still get the moment where Dean carries Cas’s bag into the bunker and sits down with him and tries to care about his health and now also this confession. Sussing out what the heck is up with Cas, and maybe he looks like he’s playing it cool and is still so messed up but Cas is vulnerable, and finally Dean starts to reach across the library table for his hand, and it’s a moment where maybe things could have started to go better for them...... Cue Gadreel walking into the library, Dean going feral, blah blah demon!Dean, blah blah explicitly stated Drowley, blah blah muuuch healing and Cas giving Dean a wide berth for a lil while. Though, in this scenario, 10x22 is far worse but has the reverse crypt scene moment, so Dean can be more obviously unable to kill Cas because he loves him, and then he walks out, followed by season 11 and Cas being returned to them. Unfortunately. Yep. Another finger curls on the Monkey Paw... 11x03 by Buckleming would absolutely be where Destiel goes undeniably canon as it is their first real interactions post Mark of Cain. Our only consolation - directed by Jensen Ackles.

Season 10 confession, hm. Poor Cas. He has the option of 10x03, of confessing and then immediately apologising and walking off to handle stuff with Hannah (thanks Buckleming!) or the Burger Date, where Dean may be slightly less stunned stupid but still likely to laugh it off and not believe it. There’s not much heavy tension between them most of the season so it’s possible that the only time Cas would really get is to confess in 10x22 while telling Dean that he would have to watch him murder the world, and that would suck because I love you. At which point the story dictates that Dean beats Cas to paste so it’s a very bad look. Season 10 destiel confession is the worst. 

Season 11 may be better because Cas has options to be jealous of Crowley and Dean’s connection to Amara multiple times and then Casifer happens and that can really play up things in a season where a confession is coming. 

I think the Beer Run in 11x23 might be the only viable place, where Dean grabs Cas and takes him out for that drive for last drinks before the end of the world. Cas gets the “you’re our brother” thing and just lays into Dean with the certainty of someone who knows this is it - now or nothing - with “You know that’s crap, Dean. You wait until the end of the world and you can’t even say it. Well I can; I love you.” 

Cue awkward tension, well-placed interrupting Moose, and then the world very much not ending so that when Dean n Cas hug and kiss in front of Mary in 12x01. Well. There’s even more explaining to do to her. Since we’ve made it to Dabb era, I believe any confessions from this point onwards can just slot into the show as we got it from there since it’s entirely compatible to start season 12 assuming Dean n Cas are literally married and never be contradicted by the text in their behaviour. But since we’ve had canon Destiel since whenever, obviously the final episodes are good instead of. That.

Season 12... Going to have to go with the first sniff of true canon coming in Lily Sunder with just a few lines leaning even further in the Cas’s Angel Family Are Homophobic Assholes metaphor, leaving Cas’s relationship with Dean even more live wire exposed. Followed by The Mixtape Scene where Cas is going to confess to Dean and get him startled up out of his seat, accidentally knocking the mixtape to the floor and for a moment it’s like, did he throw it is he mad? but then he’s smooching Cas, fade to black, return to scheduled programming but the whole line about Cas stealing the Colt from under Dean’s pillow makes fuckin sense, as well as the fall out argument and how mad Dean was at Cas followed by how devastated he was at Cas’s death. This just means Dabb era continues as planned except we get a kiss in 13x06 under that big glowy cross, and some more smooching here and there when things are good from then on. 

Season 13... Hm. Cas has to do the confessing and I don’t think he’d throw that at Dean on return from death so unlike if Dean was the one who was being made to confess obviously the aforementioned glowy cross scene obviously would be it for him... Cas could keep that bottled up much longer, especially as he has so much to do with Jack this season. It’s entirely possible we go through the whole season and then Cas lobs it at Dean as a final card when he’s making his Michael decision and we actually see the scene that we didn’t get, where Cas has to watch Dean getting possessed. Except Dean is like, tearful and furious like why would you tell me that now, and anyway i’m doing this for you as well dumbass but fuck you but also how dare you anyway I need to be an archangel now and save our - your - son, bye. Cue Cas sitting there not just in total horror at what happened but also kicking himself for fucking up the moment :P I guess this way at least we can have that moment where Dean is un-Michaeled and tells Cas he’s going to shower and finger guns at him, and now we can have Cas wordlessly and furiously follow him. 

Season 14, we get Cas at Rocky’s bar confessing to Dean while figment!Pamela cheers the whole thing on. If there was EVER a time to use the power of love to snap Dean out of it, Cas upsetting his cosy routine with “this isn’t real, I’M NOT HERE IN YOUR FANTASY” is absolutely the time to pull a reverse crypt scene which has such low stakes in terms of neither of them needing to punch each other when Michael is an external aggressor.

My ONLY issue with this is that Sam has to witness the whole thing and we would get reaction shots and I am a weak mortal who will start cackling at them when I’m supposed to be having the transcendent moment of canon and the whole thing would be ruined just because of the way Jared gurns when doing reactions to dean n cas interacting. Wow thanks. Thanks a lot. 

[tainbocuailnge]

Why is translating the same thing as someone else a faux-pas, anyways? Like, I get that it would be redundant, but even so, it's not like having two translations would ever be bad? It would just mean that readers would get to see two different interpretations of the text into a different language, allowing them to pick up on nuances they may not otherwise have noticed. At worst it would start fandom drama about which is closer in intent to the original, but. Like. Who cares?

it’s considered disrespectful towards the initial translator to re-translate or continue their work unless they’ve explicitly said they won’t be continuing themselves due to the implication that you think they’re not fast or good enough, and there’s probably also an issue of how inevitably parts will sound similar and its hard to prove the ‘new’ translator didn’t just copy a bunch of the previous guy’s work. no doubt in the past there have been many cases of people trying to rush translators and getting impatient about the translator not dedicating every waking moment to translating anime stuff for free, so I can understand how this became the norm but as a result we end up in situations like the FUCKING fate/apocrypha novels, where the guy who said they were gonna do it is blatantly not gonna do it anymore but nobody can really step in because they haven’t formally abandoned the project.

I definitely agree that the material can only benefit from having multiple different translations, especially something like fate infamous for its many words and particular terminology. if you ask me the ideal is one translation that focuses on ease of reading/”localisation” and one that focuses on conveying the exact meaning of the words as accurately as possible, but like you said even just having two different sets of eyes go over the same text can help in picking up nuances

#gorince #king of asks

[zeldas-cigarette-holder]

Ahh, your headcanons! <33 Thank you for sharing them. I was wondering (after reading that one about Zelda unexpectedly finding herself somewhat dreaming about the idea of having children with Faustus) if you have any headcanons of that actually happening? Spellwood or, with a little help of a bit of magic or something, Madam Spellman?

Thank you!

I’ve planned on writing a fic that ties into both of these sets, but for now have some headcanons! Gonna stick these under a read more & two separate categories because this got long and also make their own separate posts if people wanna save/rb just one pairing! xx

Spellwood + a baby(ies)

- Where their relationship is concerned, everything is measured out and carefully calculated — it’s just the way they are. While I’m not entirely sure how witch birth control works, I’m sure she’s extremely diligent about her medication, potions, whatever it may be — she’s not the sort of person to have any sort of accidents, especially those she can control. Zelda hides her careful planning, weighs out every pro and con before even considering bringing it up to him.

- When she does decide to bring it up to him, she has a piece of scrap paper with unintelligible scribbles all over it and the sheer look on her face, her hands trembling holding her little scrap of wobbly, folded a million times piece of paper makes Faustus chuckle. She takes it as a bad response, retreats into herself and decides to table it — he mustn’t be too interested anyways, life is good with Leticia and Judas, Ambrose and Sabrina, why would they change anything?

- Faustus knows something is bothering her, and she blatantly lies through her teeth every time he asks. It only serves to frustrate him more, and drives him to tangle with sex demons at Dorian’s Gray Room. When she catches him (because she always will), she’s absolutely devastated because she has the same crumpled paper of pros and cons in her hand, tosses it at him and storms away before she lets the tears fall. It isn’t that she feels like he’s cheating on her, it’s the fact that she feels like he couldn’t have one serious conversation with her (because she sucks at feelings and would never actively start the conversation).

- She’s hurt, and it takes her a long time to come back from that sort of hurt. It’s the kind that makes her ache for a future lost even though she never tried to actively discuss it. But she’s stubborn, and she knows that he knows and it somehow makes her feel worse. He knows the deepest maternal desire she tried to hide for centuries and she isn’t quite sure how she feels about it.

- Of course she wants kids with him, and he feels so stupid that he didn’t realize sooner. She’s always been so maternal, such a good natured person (though a bit brash and irrational at times). Faustus knows he fucked up, carries around the tattered paper with him tucked in his pocket and it feels like lead. Her scratched out writing with little doodles of hearts is enough to melt his heart, and he knows just how lucky he is that she even allowed herself a moment to fantasize about a family with him.

- Faustus seeks out Hilda for help because she is the only person (other than him) that Zelda has ever divulged anything remotely personal to. She isn’t happy with him — especially not when he recounts how she threw the paper at him, though he suspects she’s known for a while by the way she raises her eyebrow — but she does try to help him, but she’s adamant that she won’t do it for him. She reminds him of how Zelda is, how she feels things with her entire heart and soul, and that she’s probably embarrassed that she felt shut down.

- It takes Faustus a few torturous days to think of what to do to make it up to her — to bring the conversation to the table again — and every passing day feels worse. She’s not talking to him, turns the other way when he comes to bed, and he pretends he doesn’t see the mascara streaked down her face. He settles on making his own list of pros and cons — his side of cons is much shorter than hers, and he knows she’ll think it’s because he’s irrational — leaves it on her desk tied with a ribbon, a box of truffles, and a fresh bouquet of white roses.

- Zelda doesn’t acknowledge it for a few days, needs her time to go over his list in comparison to her own because she’s nothing if not careful and methodical in everything she does. She sleeps at the mortuary and it’s torture — she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since before he found her list — and she realizes that after all this time, she can’t sleep without his stupid snoring in her ear, her head nestled in the crook of his neck. What finally makes her crack is when the sun is rising and she hadn’t slept for the third night in a row, and she knows she needs him regardless of everything else.

- She slips into their bed and curls against his sleeping body and satan, it feels like everything good in the world — he feels like coming home, smells like all of her favorite scents, feels so strong and safe — and she’s suddenly sobbing into his chest without restraint. Faustus wakes enough to rub her back and let her cry it out — knows she won’t be able to speak past the knot in her throat until she lets out all of that pent up emotion, knows the tears aren’t all because of the situation — and presses gentle kisses to her hair when she’s finally out of tears and sniveling herself to sleep in his arms.

- They don’t get a chance to sit and talk until the next evening, and it’s torturous for them both. They’re both rational and mostly level-headed, and knowing there’s so much to say but no time or privacy to say it is the worst part. She works later than him, despite him being the High Priest, and he takes the opportunity to make her a nice dinner with her favorite aged bourbon and fresh flowers.

- There’s a secret smile when she sits down and picks up her glass — tells him that would be the last bottle of bourbon she drinks for a while. He’s not sure it’s an answer so much as a joke, cocks his head in confusion over the way she laughs at some joke he doesn’t entirely understand, but Zelda has always been an enigma in and of herself.

- Zelda, in true Zelda-like fashion, isn’t completely sure — even when the answer from both of them is a yes. She needs time to roll it around in her head, to decide if it’s something she truly wants. She’s afraid to bring it up again — afraid that she took too long and will be shut down — but she lets herself sink into that secret fantasy of having a true family, growing his child. She contemplates going about it irresponsibly, not taking her birth control and being a little reckless, but ultimately decides against it. She isn’t the same level of desperate as she was when she stole saved Leticia, she wouldn’t dare betray his trust again.

- When Zelda finally lets it slip that yes, she wants his child more than anything, it’s in the throes of passion and he thinks she’s joking. It’s a rare instance in which they’re making love, not fucking, and he’s whispering in her ear — crooning about how perfect she is, how perfect their life is, how he can’t wait to spend the rest of his earthly life with her. She’s sure, knows that she can’t imagine anything but this perfect life with him, and tells him to cum inside of her, to get her pregnant.

- He doesn’t believe her at first, but she’s so earnest and trusting with wide, sparkling eyes and this passion and he knows, he knows she’s sure. They spend the rest of the night making a baby in various positions. It’s a lighthearted they haven’t experienced in ages, and Zelda can’t help but fall a little more in love with him.

- When she’s finally pregnant, after what felt like months and months of trying, she’s filled with some sort of renewed hope she didn’t know she needed. She has to refrain from running to him with the positive test, wants to make sure everything is okay first.

- She doubts a lot — her body, her mind, her ability to be a good mother, the fact that she’s even pregnant to begin with — but it’s easier when he knows. It brings a softer side to their relationship, not the same biting remarks and constant teasing they’re both used to. He’s good to her — sweet and everything she needs — and she almost feels guilty when she snaps because he forgot to get her a snack or a drink.

- It turns out twins run in Faustus’ family. Zelda wishes she knew before she got pregnant, though she wouldn’t change a single thing — is finally blissfully happy.

Madam Spellman + a baby

- It takes Zelda a long time to even be open to discussing getting pregnant, after everything that happened with Faustus, Leticia, baby Judas, and Sabrina’s raising. There are variables to consider, and she’s very cautious and careful about everything she does. She trusts Lilith with her entire soul and being — trusts Lilith so much it scares her — but she trusted Faustus too and that makes it even worse, knowing that at any point she could betray her the same way he did.

- Their relationship develops after Sabrina’s death, and though it’s been years by the time they’re married and ready to settle down, the wounds are still there. It’s something Lilith brings up in passing while rubbing Zelda’s feet on the lounge while drinking and enjoying the rare free time they got, and Zelda finds herself more and more open to the idea of a child — especially with Lilith.

- Lilith is good and sweet and kind and everything Zelda wants to spend the rest of her life with — Satan, she married her after she swore to never marry again — but the idea of children together is quite honestly terrifying. This is still the same Lilith who killed baby Adam, though it was for good reason, and she’s still the same Zelda who stole saved baby Leticia only to pass her along to Dezmelda.

- The wounds from Sabrina’s passing are too raw for them to consider it seriously for years, but Lilith likes to remind Zelda that they have time. Still, it’s like things never get truly better. Zelda grieves her daughter, and Lilith grieves just the same for that maternal relationship she developed with Sabrina. She loved her so much it hurt, despite every single horrible thing she had done and regrets so deeply that it keeps her up at night

- In true Sabrina fashion, she is the catalyst for almost everything in Lilith and Zelda’s relationship, and a child is no different.

- They had tried to summon her several times over the years, to call on her in any way they could — witching board, seance, trying to reach into that in between and pull her out — but nothing ever seemed to work. They never gave up hope, and when she does come to them it’s with her blessing to move on, to move past their hang ups relating to her, to be happy and start the family they’ve both always wanted.

- It’s easier said than done, and there’s still so much hesitation. Would the universe truly give them happiness after everything they had been through? It takes lots of long conversations and tears — so many tears for everything they had sacrificed, everyone they had lost, and everyone they had loved — before they come to the decision that they would try for a baby, they’d allow themselves the shred of happiness they had always wanted.

- There’s still so much to consider for Zelda and Lilith just doesn’t understand why. She feels everything with her whole heart and she’s impulsive, falls in love with ideas and follows through before thinking of the practicality behind it. It’s how she ends up in so many tricky situations — rash ideas and passionate thoughts fueled by love or self preservation— but Zelda is rational and collected even with the most passionate subjects, she needs to think of every possible outcome.

- Zelda is the one with hard limits and ultimatums, especially because of Sabrina. She blames the entirety of Sabrina’s death on the fact that she was a gift from Lucifer Morningstar combined with her being half mortal. It makes choosing a donor for their baby so difficult, and it makes choosing who would carry even more difficult. It causes arguments that end with both of them in tears because Zelda is so scared and Lilith doesn’t want to think of every single bad thing that could potentially not even happen.

- When they finally come to some semblance of a decision, they settle on the fact that Zelda would carry for a multitude of reasons. She had never carried her own child, she wasn’t of divine origin, it was the safest bet.

- Deciding on a donor was even harder. Zelda originally wanted to use Dr. Cee, because she was comfortable with him and could have some fun out of it, but he was ordinarily mortal (given the gift of immortality by Lilith, because she knew how much he meant to Hilda) and they were terrified of having a half mortal, half witch child. Faustus was another option presented by Lilith, but she didn’t want the first thing to do with him, nor a child of his origin. Several handsome demons from hell were also mentioned, though Zelda was adamantly against those as well. Lilith thinks she’s being purposely combative, it stirs up a lot of feelings in them that are hard to push past. They flip through the people that they’d feel comfortable with using and no one seems quite right. It puts them at an impasse for several months. No one is good enough, and they won’t compromise in either direction — it leads them to spend ages looking over ancient textbooks for an answer that would seemingly never come.

- There was one option they hadn’t considered — Melvin — and when Lilith suggests it, Zelda balks at her. But it’s a viable option, albeit uncomfortable, and they decide that he would be a suitable donor for their baby. Their coven is mostly females, and he’s one of the only sane options.

- Zelda is adamant on legally binding contracts signed by all before anything can be put into motion, because having a sense of solution and finality on the situation is scary for her, and Lilith is — again — unsure as to why it even matters. That’s the hard thing about being married to Zelda, she can’t believe the good in Lilith even though she’s proven time and time again that her anxieties are rooted in a past with someone who was much worse than her. It’s another point of conflict, and it stirs up a lot of passionate tears. Zelda cries because Faustus loved her and he still ripped everything away from her — the children she loved, the home they shared — because she was suddenly unworthy and Lilith cries because she thinks Zelda doesn’t trust her.

- In the end, Lilith decides that it’s only fair to agree to the contracts Zelda is so adamant about. It makes sense when she thinks about it, but she loathes to admit it. Melvin can’t have any rights — nor does Zelda want to think about him as the father, but it’s better than not knowing who it is — Zelda and Lilith have equal rights. The thought makes Zelda smile this sad, watery twitch of her lips that breaks Lilith’s heart, and she realizes that every child Zelda had ever dared let herself love was brutally ripped from her. After Zelda falls asleep that night, once the contracts were signed by all, Lilith excuses herself to the porch and cries openly and unabashedly — she cries for Zelda’s losses, for her own losses, for the pain and anguish and unbearable pasts they both had — and she finds Zelda sitting at the kitchen table with a tear streaked face when she finally gathers herself enough to go inside.

- They’re both fucking terrified from the moment their daughter is conceived until the day she’s born. Hell is no place for a newborn, and Lilith is afraid of having to step away and relinquish control, even if only for a few weeks. Zelda is scared of childbirth, of their daughter dying, of Lilith leaving her, of the issues they’d face raising their child. Lilith assures her everything would be okay, and she’s cautious to believe it.

- Pregnancy sucks and Zelda vows that she’ll never do it again as long as she lives. She hates not drinking, not smoking, gaining the weight, the fact that she can’t eat sweets whenever she wants. Lilith is doting and sweet and perfect, massages Zelda’s feet and makes her non-alcoholic drinks and watches trash television with her to pass the time. She takes up knitting for their baby — even when on her throne in Hell — and it’s so damn sweet that Zelda tears up every time she brings home a new blanket.

#whoop these are so fucking long I’m so sorry #and they kinda suck #I basically wrote two mini fics #oops #headcanons #madam spellman #Spellwood #zelda spellman #faustus blackwood #Lilith #my writing

[anotheranimestan]

Criminal Behavior

Dabi angst + chaotic energy + a lil suggestive language

Disclaimer: I don’t condone any of y/n’s behavior here. Y/n is a bad role model lol

wc: 3.5k

Raise your hand if you want Dabi to teach you how to be a villain! 🙋‍♀️ he could teach me a lot of things 🤤

You had a date tonight. With some guy who you were honestly not that into. So you agreed to his “wanna hang out tonight” text. He probably only wanted to hook up. Boring. And you’d definitely turn him down. But you needed something to do. Some entertainment.

Despite the level of disinterest you were still going to look nice. You needed some new make-up but of course you had no fucking money. You’d just have to ‘borrow’ some from the convenience store down the road. It’s not like you haven’t done it a million times. No one gets hurt. Not really a big deal.

Plus the little bursts of adrenaline you get during that final moment of walking through the censors was somewhat addictive if you were honest. Life in your town was so unbelievably boring. There weren’t even any good villains around to watch get beat up. You needed some sort of thrill to get through the day.

When you entered the store there were a few people around. No one you recognized luckily. You’d developed a little bit of a method to this game. You’d monitored the isles and cameras. No one was anywhere in sight. You’d managed to get a bunch of the good stuff and slip it into your sleeves and waistband without any eyebrows raised.

You were deciding on which eyeliner you wanted when an abrupt voice pierced you, making you jump.

“What’re you doing?”

“Huh?” You spun to look at the inevitable. Some employee or back room security man coming to take you to convenience store prison.

But when you saw the man peering down at you, you were far more scared. You wished it was an employee.

“Did I scare you?” His voice was thick with amusement and he rested an arm against the shelves.

You’d never seen a sight like him. Mildly horrifying. Staples lining his face, holding together sections of his skin, if you could call it all that. Spiked black hair over deep hooded eyes that looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. He looked like he could easily kill you and nobody would find the body. But at the same time, for some reason, he was undeniably hot. You didn’t know how to reconcile his ominous vibe that he has with his playful, interested tone. It was like you’d just told him a joke. Except you hadn’t said a single word yet.

“What? You don’t want to talk to me?” He pressed with a smirk as he watched you gawk at him.

Your heart was racing in mild horror. But something about his tone struck a nerve. It felt like he was toying with you. And you hated that.

“Uh, who are you?” You said suddenly remembering where you were and just what you were doing. “Do you work here or something?”

“Does it look like I work here?”

He had a point. His absurd amount of piercings and his ripped jeans said he didn’t work anywhere respectable. However, the thick dark chained jewelry that weighed down his neck and wrists and the expensive sneakers on his feet said he had no problem getting money.

“You going out tonight?” He questioned, blatantly looking you up and down.

“What?” You spewed, feeling extremely self-conscious of his traveling eyes.

“I mean shit, with all the make-up and shit shoved in your pockets I just assumed...”

Your body froze. He’d caught you? Did he actually work here, was he lying? “...Not to mention the bottle of liquor you hid under your shirt...” How did he see that? You did have a small bottle of alcohol stashed in your bra but nobody was in any of the isles with you. You hadn’t seen him in the store at all since you’d arrived here, you definitely would have noticed him. “...If you’re going on a date you should really find a guy who can get all this stuff for you instead...”

Fear really started gripping you at these realizations. Plus he was minding no attention to his volume. He was basically outing you to the whole store. Your fear melted into anger. This fucker definitely didn’t work here. Just like you thought, he was fucking with you. Your temper started flaring up in your face making it hot.

“Shoplifting is the gateway drug to villainy you know. And that’s a rough world kid. I’m not sure if you could handle it...”

Kid? He looked barely older than you. And he was starting to get really annoying. At this rate he was going to get you caught.

“Speaking from experience?” You jutted back, looking around to see if any employees were hearing this.

He chuckled again. “No, I don’t do drugs.” He stated with a grin and a poor attempt at sounding sincere.

You scoffed. “I seriously doubt that.”

“Why—”

“Did you want something? Cause if not I’ve got somewhere to be.”

He looked at you for a moment. Soaking up the irritated look on your face. Dying to get away from him. Desperate not to get caught. It was cute. He merely shrugged. It was honest. He wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted from you yet.

The irritation now bubbling over, you huffed and walked away. What a waste of time. Surely you look suspicious now. You were monitoring the isles as you headed to the door. No one seemed to be looking. You were about to make a run for it when you heard some footsteps directly behind you and felt eyes on the back of your head.

“The alarms are going to go off.”

You hissed, dipping into a snack isle as an employee’s head started turning in your direction. Why was he talking so fucking loud?

“Can you shut up?”

He put a hand over his heart dramatically. “Is that how you repay me for trying to help you?”

“Help me?! You’re going to get me caught. So can you just fuck off—”

“Oy.” He growled. Sending a wave a intimidation to wash away any bit of confidence you had mustered up. “Go ahead and walk out the door then if you want. Fucking amateur.”

You were about to run but self-doubt washed over you. He did seem like he’d know about this better than you.

Mid-thought, his movements shocked you. He was standing so closely now, with that same face of complete intimidation as before. His eyes steady on your features, not breaking away for a moment. Without even having to look, he slowly slipped his fingers under your shirt. You weren’t even breathing at this point as your heart started throwing itself around your chest. If it were anyone else you’d immediately deck him for touching you like this but for some reason he felt like a near death experience. He had you completely frozen in fear and adrenaline, victim to whatever he wanted to do to you. His fingers were warm as they grazed the skin on your stomach, sending streaks of electricity to the part of your brain that was sounding off warning alarms. He pulled the bottle of alcohol out slowly from your bra.

He smirked as you stared at him wide-eyed. Like he’d just blown some fuses in your brain.

He turned the bottle so you could see a little black tag on the bottom. You hadn’t noticed it before.

“A sensor. They’re new.” Was all he had to say and you knew you had almost completely fucked up. You were beating your head against a wall knowing you’d have to acknowledge this guy was right. Except the look on his face told you he was already enjoying every second of this.

“Okay, fuck, you got me. You were right.” You said suddenly exploding. Your mind was overloading with information. You’d expected this to be a simple thing. And this asshole just shows up out of nowhere for no reason.

“You’re supposed to say thank you.”

You scoffed. “For what? You gonna buy it for me or something?”

He considered this for a moment. “No.”

You shot him a incredulous look. “The fuck? Then what do you want?”

“Honestly it was painful watching you attempt this half-assed little petty theft.”

“Well sorry to dissapp—”

“And despite this nasty little attitude you’ve got...” He continued with a devious grin. “I’m gonna show you how it’s really done.”

“How what’s done? Taking make-up?”

“Robbery.” He deadpanned.

Your insides exploded now. You didn’t even bother mistaking that for a joke.

“Um no—”

“Don’t be a pussy.”

“What?! Are you fucking crazy?”

“Yea.”

“No! I’m not—”

“It’s either this or I’ll call over that guy.” He pointed to an unknowing employee stocking shelves. “And show him this.” He yanked up your shirt now to expose all the shit you had tucked into your waistband and bra.

You hissed again, yanking your shirt down, but words drained out of your brain. He was seriously dangerous. It was written all over that amused look on his face as he watched your face go red from him being under your shirt twice already after meeting him literally five minutes ago.

You felt like he’d sucked the air out of the room. How was nobody hearing this? How had you fallen into this psycho’s trap?

“Fuck.” Slipped out under your breath.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He cooed in your ear as he started to walk past you. “Stay here.”

You immediately considered running as he disappeared around the corner of the isle. But now you didn’t know how much of this merchandise in your clothing had censors. And you couldn’t take it all out without that employee noticing for sure.

Fight or flight was wrestling in your brain. Red flags were gleaming in your eyes as the alarms in your head continued blaring in your ears. You should have ran before he even had the chance to speak to you. But that’s not really how you felt. Something about him was addicting already.

He was exhilarating in the worst and best kind of way. Even now his short absence had you dying to know where he went and when he’d come back.

Then, like someone stabbed you in the ears, the alarms in your head were drowned out by the sudden blaring of real alarms in the store. You nearly jumped out of your skin. Looking around, the employees were looking around in shock. People started rushing past you with concerned faces as they evacuated the store.

You just spun around in confusion. Had he done this? Did someone set of an alarm on him? Were the police coming? You should run. You should definitely fucking run. Now would be the time. They’d never catch you with all these other alarms going off.

“Ah. Good girl. Just where I left you.” His voice was in your ear in an instant.

“Did you do this?!” You whispered wildly.

“Me? How could I have done it? Those are fire alarms.”

For some reason relief rushed over you. “Oh.”

“Put this on.” He said putting a black face mask in your hand. Did he have these on hand? To protect from smoke inhalation or something? That’s fucking weird. ”Come on.” He said strolling away like nothing. Like there wasn’t fire alarms blaring in your ears, drowning out any logic or comprehension.

You hastily put on the mask and followed his large body which was dressed in black head to toe.

Luckily it seemed like his plans were foiled. Once you got outside you could dip and escape him.

But he suddenly stopped at the check-out. A guy about the same age was standing there looking around. The store was mostly empty now of regular customers. You wondered why he hadn’t evacuated yet along with everyone—

“Okay. Make this easy on me. I’m trying to make a good first impression here.” He said to the guy.

“What?”

“You know what I mean.” He replied with a grin, discreetly gesturing to you.

“Uh...look man you should evacuate with everyone else. I don’t know where the fire is but—“

“Ah yea, about that....I am the fire.” And for the first time he smiled. A wicked smile with wide eyes and complete exhilaration on his face.

The guy jerked back at the sight of it. “The fuck?”

You gasped as he put his hand up and a blast of blue flames shot out. You could feel the heat from where you were standing behind him.

“Just give us the cash and I won’t do anything crazy. Okay?”

The guy stood like a deer in headlights. Unable to process anything as fear washed over him. You could relate. The blue flame was mirroring in your eyes as you stared at it in shock. The alarms still blaring in your ears.

But he wasn’t done yet. He raised his second hand and now both hands were ablaze. It was horrifying. The attendant scrambled to take all of the money out of the cash registers and put the stack in a shopping bag. Throwing it onto the counter and stepping as far away from the flames as possible.

“Thanks man. I’ll owe you one if this goes well.” He said with humor laced in his deep voice.

He jutted his head toward the door motioning for the guy to run. Which he did. He sprinted out the door to join everyone else who was evacuated outside.

“Ready?” He was facing you now. Putting the grocery bag of cash in his hoodie pocket.

You were definitely going to jail.

“Let’s get out of here.” He said and strolled toward the back door.

He paused for a moment in front of a stand of alcohol. Picking up two bottles after grazing over the options for a moment.

He was nearly at the door when he realized you hadn’t moved a muscle.

“They don’t let you wear make up in jail.” He called over to you. “Ugh.” He sighed. “Come on amateur. I’ll leave you here if I have to.”

Suddenly your legs sprung to life as you ran to him. “Want anything else?” He poked as he examined the adorable look of trauma riddling your blood drained face.

The back alley was empty. You heard police sirens in the distance. This guy was dragging you straight to hell with him.

You both looked up as a body flew overhead in the sky above of alley. You only saw the person for a brief moment but it didn’t take a genius to know heroes were closing in.

You needed to run. Now.

“Oh shit I forgot something.” He said in realization.

You looked at him utterly dumbfounded. What could he possibly have forgotten?!

“Be right back.” He assured as he walked back inside.

“What?!”

But he was gone. Leaving you there. The sirens were getting louder. You just wanted some fucking eyeliner.

Just then you heard an explosion. You looked up and saw the glow of bright blue flames growing in the windows.

Fuck. He was dead. This is so beyond fucking bad.

And finally after all this your flight response triggered. You started running down the alley. Except your legs only managed a slow jog as you struggled to stay in reality.

Where would you run to? Would the cops know it was you? And him? Whoever the fuck he was. Did they get you on camera?

“Wow you were just gonna leave me? That’s kinda fucked up.”

You jumped three feet as the voice appeared next to you.

“What the fuck?” You spun to see electric blue eyes looking at you under hooded eyelids.

“What?” He said with a cocked head.

“I thought you died!” You spewed, feeling almost relieved somehow that this psychopath was back.

He chuckled. “Dead? How.”

“There was a fire!” You said pointing at the growing fire inside.

“You just figured that out Sherlock? Shit I told you those were fire alarms.” He started mumbling to himself a few things under his breath that sounded like ‘you don’t look like a dumbass but who knows these days I guess.’

“Why did you go back in there?” You were yelling now. He was making you seem like the crazy one. He’s the one who basically just committed armed robbery!

You heard the rustling of plastic as he held something up for you to see. “Chips. These ones are my favorite.”

“Chips!?” You were seething now.

“Hey why are you mad? I got you some too. I didn’t know which ones you like so I just took a bunch.” He said holding up a grocery bag filled with a variety of them and the bottles from before.

You stared at him dumbfounded again. He just risked both your lives over some chips?

“I’m going to lose my mind. Or I’m currently losing my mind....” you said with wide eyes.

“Well can you hold on that for like five minutes. We still have something to do.”

“Huh?” You cried desperately.

“Get the fuck out of here before those cops come looking for us.”

He led you down the creepy dark alleyways until you could barely hear the police sirens in the background.

“So amateur, learn anything?” He crunched down on a chip.

The adrenaline was draining now and you were starting to really process what just happened.

“Yea, I learned you’re a fucking criminal.”

“You’re the one who was shoplifting.” He scoffed.

“What?! You just robbed that fucking store!”

“Why are you yelling?”

“Yelling?! You’re fucking crazy!”

“Yea and?”

“And you-you—”

He stopped in his tracks. You nearly ran into his back. He turned and faced you, towering over you. Eyes intense. His chain dangling as he leaned down closer to you. Giving you another chance to notice how strangely attractive he was.

“Are you scared or something?” He said in a deep quiet hum.

You should have just said yes. And said that he was scary. And that you wanted him to leave you alone. But you didn’t. You didn’t even want to. Despite all the shit spewing out of your mouth you’d be lying to say you weren’t high off this chaos. That he wasn’t ridiculously intriguing and sexy. That this wasnt the most exciting thing that’s ever happen in your bland life.

“No.” You lied. Hoping he’d think you weren’t fucking boring.

He grinned. “You’re a bad liar.” With one finger he hooked the side of your face mask and peeled it off to expose your lips for his admiration. “Good thing you look cute when you’re scared.”

The real scary thing here was that you were already into this psychotic criminal.

“So do I get to know your name yet?” He said playing with a strand of your hair, yet again invading your personal space with no regard.

“Y/n.”

He hummed. Like he was agreeing or something.

“I’m Dabi.” He said darkly. Leaning in even closer. He was standing so close it made you lose balance and you stumbled backwards. But he easily caught you by grabbing the front of your sweatshirt. The movement caused some the make-up you stole to fall out onto the gravel.

He laughed at you and pulled you back close to him. Which made you blush intensely.

“Speaking of which. I think we have someone to cancel on.”

Your mind flashed to your boring date tonight.

“Go on. Get out your phone.” He patiently waited with his hands in his pockets for you to bring up his messages.

Just as you went to type he snatched your phone away.

“Hey!”

He shushed you, pushing your face back to keep you at arms length as he read the last few of your messages.

“Want to hang out tonight?” He mocked. “Fuck and you said sure?” He gave you a judgmental look. “This just screams missionary.”

You squeaked at his vulgarity. “Shut up!”

He chuckled again. “Relax I’m talking about him. Although you do need higher standards. This is fucking boring.”

You shrunk in horror as he pressed the call button and put your phone to his ear.

“What are you doing?!” You hissed trying to snatch the phone back.

“Stop I’m trying to make a phone call.”

“Well I don’t want you to!” You squealed in horror.

“Why not?” He feigned confusion.

You both stopped wrestling when you heard someone answer on the other line.

“Hey man.” He smiled deviously. “Glad I caught you.” He paused. Probably listening to your date stuttering in confusion as to why a smug asshole was calling him on your number.

“Well I’m just calling to let you know y/n isn’t going to make it tonight to Netflix and chill or whatever other lame way you were going to attempt to sleep with her.” He paused again, completely ignoring your aggressive gestures to give your phone back or you’ll kill him. Surely he found you very very intimidating. “She’s cancelling on you because....well because I told her to.” He chuckled. “Shes got new plans. With me.”

He grinned down at you. Absorbing the way you were timidly looking at him now. Holding onto every word with slightly parted lips that he’d be looking forward to kissing at some point soon.

“Anyways. Don’t text her anymore or I’ll probably have to come kill you.” He chuckled again. You heard someone say something on the other line but Dabi hung up on him.

He must have noticed the look on your face. “Relax I’m kidding.” He lied, handing your phone back. “Anyways, I’m tired of this alley. You ready or what?”

You didn’t know what his plans tonight were for you yet. But you were dying to find out.

~~

Lord have mercy...he could rail me.

General tags from masterlist: @midnight-mochii @waluigis-wang @lilachusworld @seokjinniemysun @xodrea @the-sass-goddess @whore4hq @reghan-darling @channieboiiii @animexholic @strawberrysalwa @expensivechimmy @gotta-get-back-to-johnlock @themajesticunicorn @dxddydrea @tee2cute @fullsundear @dumbbird89 @chargeandinlarge @wackichris @myherosilhouette @r0zyp0zy0zy @frosted-flakes @halietigges @ladybeautiful18 @waywardcowboyllamavoid @edgyb1tch

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[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that���s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

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