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dancermk · 5 months

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HELLO MY FELLOW TRAVELERS!

I, like many viewers, have been completely entranced by Hawk and Tim’s love story in Fellow Travelers. As a mature queer person, this show has been very emotional, and I am deeply invested. (I WILL riot if Tim doesn’t get to die in Hawk’s arms, and know that he is, and has always been, loved by Hawk.) But I digress.

Something that I have been fascinated by are the differing opinions that have surfaced about the characters, especially Hawk. I’m not looking for any arguments here, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is simply mine. To me, Hawk falls hard and fast for Tim. He breaks all his own rules for Tim - they topple over like a house of cards.

When we are introduced to Hawk, he’s cold and heartless with the men he hooks up with - they are nothing more than a body to fulfil his sexual needs and desires. He doesn’t do repeats and he doesn’t bring them home. But Tim, he instantly begins returning to, gets him a job, then allows him into his own apartment, etc. When Tim pushes back, Hawk relents further, letting him in emotionally, sharing parts of his past, crossing lines by introducing him to others in his circle, and so on.

Hawk is a traumatised man, carrying guilt and anger and shame, and a bucket load of fear! Yes, he has some internalised homophobia, but interestingly, he’s also extremely righteous about his homosexuality -and I don’t believe he thinks being gay is wrong in any way. (His response to his father is indicative of this).

I can personally say that I’ve never thought it was wrong to be queer, yet I spent much of my life hiding who I was and feeling shame. It’s an odd thing! Perhaps it is that the shame forms purely from what is outside of us, while what is inside of us can love another person of the same sex, knowing it is right and pure. Perhaps these contradictions between self and society are what causes so much pain and conflict?

But back to Hawk. Hawk is undoubtedly most affected by his teenage first love experience. A love that he fucked up through his own fears (fear for many men is unacceptable and a sign of weakness), and now carries the burden of believing he is responsible for their death. Hawk doesn’t allow himself to love again, until Tim. And we see many times throughout the show how much Hawk fears losing Tim. And in the end he’ll have to face that fear. I think that, in part, not attempting to have a life with Tim, is also fuelled by his fear of fucking it up and losing Tim - so it’s easier to just not attempt it! In episode 7, when he loses his son, part of that spiral is Hawk recognising that he can’t really prevent loss, and he wasted his life trying to be something he’s not - still losing his child and Tim along with it.

But Hawk is a survivor! And no one has the right to hate or judge him for it. I don’t think some young people truly understand what it feels like to live in a world where who you love can put you in jail, and destroy your life. I grew up in the 70s/80s and my experiences were bad enough, but I try so very hard to think about what it was like before that! When being queer was a crime and a mental illness! That’s pure terror! And for Hawk, he chose to survive the best way he knew how, and he wasn’t able to change because that’s fucking hard when all you’ve known is living in constant ‘fight or flight,’ and when have chronic trauma and experience collective trauma.

I think in episode 8 we’ll finally get to see Hawk grow - I certainly hope so - because he deserves to be free. Our beautiful Skippy has been free for some time, and while we mourn for the cruelty of a world that would take such a truly decent man, I am glad he got to live freely. Being closeted is the worst kind of suffering- a compartmentalised and fragmented existence where you are never truly whole, and therefore can never be the best version of yourself.

Before I go, I just wanted to also talk about being in a closeted relationship-which I experienced in my youth. I think that Hawk and Tim’s intense and toxic and exquisitely beautiful relationship, in part, arises from this. Because two closeted people in love live their relationship in secret, in a bubble, only in certain rooms, with none of the outside world reflected back at them. It becomes the two of you against the world. It’s so insular. Hawk and Tim literally live their 1950s relationship within two rooms - their apartments. All their memories are held within those walls. And it only belongs to them. They know each in ways that no other living soul does. It’s all-consuming and often unhealthy, but also stupidly romantic.

Anyway, sorry for this long winded post that no one will read and is likely full of grammatical errors because I’m tired! This atheist is praying we get everything we need from episode 8! Acceptance, forgiveness, understanding resolution, healing and a whole lot of love! ❤️

Cheers queers! 🏳️‍🌈

PS Matt and Johnny are exquisite on and off screen and I am so thankful to them for bringing these characters and this story into our lives!

#fellow travelers #hawk and tim #hawkins fuller #tim laughlin #hawk and skippy #matt bomer #jonathan bailey #lgbtqia #queer media

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pageofheartdj · 3 months

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Lucifer would for SURE have that insecurity. Pulling away? Not wanting to make the first step towards communication? Feeling out of place and like he doesn't belong? I bet the other's would catch on and they'd all develop their own approaches into encouraging Lucifer out of his depression cave, so to speak.

Alastor would probably annoy him out of it but if that didn't work would probably ask Rosie or Lilith for help? He's got a reputation as the Unflappable Radio Demon to uphold (headcanon: Alastor is awkward with emotions and doesn't quite know what to do so he sorta.. either doesn't say anything when he has to deal with emotions with others or is snarky because he at least knows how to do that. He develops his own way of showing appreciation and comfort though)

Alastor and Rosie ABSOLUTELY would have gossip sessions. Lilith might join in just to hear the updates about some big drama (ugh Susan) and offer tea and biscuits or something? Lucifer popping in with a snarky comment but wanting to just sit back and enjoy their company is sweet!

I could see Rosie's insecurity maybe coming from wanting to help everyone and feeling sorta guilty that she isn't in cannibal town there to help 24/8? Like, she might get worried that she'll miss something or something could happen to the town while she's gone?

Lilith uhhh. Maybe she feels out of place? The rest either did something to piss off god (lucifer) or actively earned their spot in hell, meanwhile she just.. didn't want to be a servant to an asshole of a man. Like, absolutely fair but probably doesn't feel equivalent to literally gifting humanity freewill and whatever Al and Rosie were up to. She's in between a fallen angel and human but didn't really live the life of either?

Charlie would be SO supportive and Alastor would take such joy in flexing that he has some of/literally the most powerful demons on "his side" (they love him despite being showy sometimes).

Maybe there'd be some tension between Luficer and Alastor because Al is more like the stereotypical devil than Lucifer is?

They're all so silly and quirky and have such potential xD honestly relationship goals tho? In a polycule (queer platonic, in my case) where everyone can get along in different ways and support each other and be comfortable being themselves?? Goals xD

Yeah the feeling of shame and guilt will keep appearing and therefore 'who would want to someone like him, cant even create anymore' TT

Oh I absolutely believe being geniunely open and vulnerable is extremely hard to Alastor! His smiles and sharp behaviour is not just a mask but a protective comfortable layer! And even if he tries to be more close it's still the default that is hard to pass by. I believe he can muster something actually real if the other person will be so crushed they aren't reacting to anything else anymore!!

Honestly Rosie and Alastor are a nice tag team xD He deals with the depressed king when he is too inside of his head, he can be manhandled by Alastor xD And when he is actually responsive, Rosie can step in and gently reassure him. And Lilith will give this 'do you love us? respect us? we would never stay with someone we dont care about and you know it'. This harsh love xD

I really like how in terms of dealing with stress and trauma Alastor pushes forward and Lucifer pulls away😭

I've read Rosie likes cooking! Like Al!! Imagine them preparing food for private lunches! I hc Lucifer is a decent cook, but there is not point in trying when these two are amazing XD And Lilith can watch over and make sure they aren't slipping something more fleshy XD So in the end they just sit there and Rosie gives all the hot goss with Alastor and Lilith joining in and Lucifer chilling while following their conversations and occasionally commenting <3

OH she might! She is very envolved with her community and she probably takes to heart when she fails someone while she expected not to! I LOVE characters that put too much on their shoulders!!(she is just like Charlie fr fr)

I don't know with Lilith. It seems she got all she wanted: got away from Adam, got an awesome new home where she 'thrived'. I do wonder if she is... vengeful? SHE got it all good, but her husband was crushed and he never properly recovered. She might be furious with Heaven for this. And for exterminations.

Oh Alastor is truly an attention seeker, he would always flex his partners in public(but never be actually intimate with them because it is for HIM to see only!)

It may be at the beginning? But it would be fun if Lucifer will actually use Alastor's scariness xD Oh you want a scary devil? I can give you something scary xD And Alastor enjoys it, intimidating and jumping people is his favourite type of fun xD

*sigh* All their dynamics are so fun it's a treat <3 (Rosie and Lilith having ohoho mean gossip sessions with their 'pathetic' looks on others(ugh Susan), Rosie and Alastor going on hunts and cooking together, Alastor and Lucifer having improvised lighthearted musical competitions(full blown dance numbers), Lucifer and Lilith going to concerts and theatres incognito, Lilith and Alastor having violent and fun radio podcasts, Rosie and Lucifer going to hellborn balls and Cannibal Town gatherings)

(for me it's only QPR cause everyone else can mess around and I'll jump in for a short smooch and be out jkhj XD)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel rosie #hazbin hotel alastor #hazbin hotel lilith #hazbin hotel lucifer #lucifer morningstar #lilith morningstar #doubletrouble

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antstarion · 2 years

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Some mackay run thoughts

finally defrosting my thoughts on this amazing run. mainly issue 5, 8, 14 and how badr and marc contrast each other. this is p much blurted straight out of my head so it might be a bit incoherent.

I think it's interesting how badr genuinely believes he can change, he doesn't hold onto the guilt of the past as much as marc does. And to be fair to him, he does change, he changes his opinion on vampires after reese comes to him in, as he explains in issue 5.

He can recognise that he fucked up. Yeah, it did take him being confronted with it but in the end he takes responsibility. And this contrasts marc a lot.

Issue 14 comes to mind for me. Particularly the part where Marc calls their DID "a liability" and steven confronts him asking "has any of that ever stemmed from our condition?" in reference to marcs problems and his actions. I think marc has built up this idea of himself as this ruthless person who acts without emotion and doesn't care about consequences, to hide the guilt he feels. It's easier for him to believe that people think he's "crazy" because of his condition rather than the things he's done (i.e. cutting bushmans face off and age of knonshu).

And he also creates the Mr knight persona in this run to be a positive face for the community. People are scared of moon knight but when they see mr knight it's different. Mr knight is a person people can come to for help, rather than run away from. To me, marc does this because he doesn't feel like he can be the person that people rely on, it has to be mr knight. That's also why he makes reese call him mr knight at first, to create that separation between him and other people. As mr knight he can be everything people need him to be without the negative connotations that come with the names moon knight and marc spector.

While badr can take responsibility pretty much on his own, it takes the entirety of issue 14 and steven and jake confronting marc and forcing him to look at himself to make marc realise he's the problem.

This isn't to say marc doesn't want to be better though, he says "I want to be normal" and I think this is his way of saying he wants to be better. For marc though his defintion of being better involves jake and steven not being there, to marc they're the problem. But like jake says he's too busy hating himself and blaming them. Marc passes the blame because he can't take it all himself.

Anyways more on issue 8 since that's why I originally started this post.

In issue 8 badr calls upon knonshu to defeat stained glass scarlet. A story vs story.

I think it's interesting how close hunters moon is to knonshu. With his backstory it makes sense, he spent his life looking for god despite feeling like everyone around him had already found him. After knonshu saved him he had solid proof of a higher being and somewhere to direct his faith. So of course he's more willing to pray to knonshu and call on him for help.

Badr is way more of a willing worshipper of knonshu and from what I can gather he enjoys it. Rather than feeling he owes something to the god and has to pay him back like marc does, I think badr fully identifies with his "fist on knonshu" role and embraces it. He believes in knonshu and what he stands for so much that he even tries to correct marc and stop him from straying from knonshus purpose when he is protecting the vampires.

Badr likes having knonshu with him at all times and carries him in all his actions. On the other hand, marc prefers to act alone and act for himself while pushing everyone (knonshu, steven, jake) away. That's what issue 14 is all about really, marc accepting that positive help from his headmates and from tigra and hunters moon. But knonshu is a notable exclusion from the people he's accepting help from at the end of the issue.

Marcs relationship with knonshu seems more strained. He doesn't connect with him often, hence the "I miss you". Marc does call on knonshu for help in issue 11 but this is a last resort. He's using knonshu to get to people under his protection. So to me, in that moment, his need to protect just outweighed his reluctance to interact with knonshu. A needs must sorta thing.

I think marc has an distant relationship with knonshu because of his religion too. He talks about being jewish to dr sterman in issue 5. Here it's clear that he had a complicated relationship with god before, but it was important to him. And after this panel marc openly states he regrets taking knonshus offers and resents himself for giving up on his religion.

Obviously after age of knonshu and those crazy events marc is going to be a bit more careful when following knonshus orders. So he sets up the midnight misson and starts doing things his own way and honestly good for him. He has his own interpretation of knonshus values and "protecting the travellers of the night" which differs from badrs, I think this shows marc separating himself from knonshu.

While for badr he found someone to worship and found a purpose, marc sees his servitude to knonshu as a burden. But he keeps doing it because as he says he "doesn't have anything else left".

Badr doesn't understand that. For badr knonshu is everything but that's because he chooses for it to be that way, while for marc knonshu has taken everything else away from him. There's no choice.

Stained glass scarlet here represents an inability to change. People pray to her for retribution, for vengeance. But this is not the way. The whole message being pushed is that people can change and this is very significant when we look at both badr and marc.

Badr tries to kill vampires because of his own past, he's hung up on this idea of revenge and has a prejudice towards them. But like the sort of fluid person he is, he does change and grow from his actions.

Marc saves the vampires and saves soldier despite his past because he wants to believe in people's power to change. He wants to believe in own power to improve and he wants other people to believe in it too. It doesn't come as easy to him as it does to badr, but he's trying. And now he's finally accepting steven and jakes help, I think he can.

---

I don't know if any of my thoughts make sense but if you have anything to add or anything you think I got wrong pls tell me. I could scream about this run for hours.

#moon knight #moon knight comics #marc spector #moon knight meta #ig #hunters moon #moon knight (2021)#knonshu

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dmagedgoods · 1 year

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For the meme--4, 6, 11, and 12!

4. What were the pivotal/defining moments in your KC’s playthrough? There are many. Let’s see …, in chronological order: 1) When he was appointed Knight Commander. Galfrey didn’t know him and it was a ridiculous, irresponsible decision to give a stranger such influence. Still, for some reason her foolish idea led her to the very right person – or that’s his opinion of course. He was determined and thrilled to use this chance after all his previous experiences of running against walls every time he had tried to make a difference in the past. 2) The gargoyle attack. He told himself that he didn’t act fast and determined enough to stop it when he already assumed that Nurah would betray them and felt responsible for the death of those who were killed. In his opinion, he failed them when he should have been able to avoid it. The guilt afterwards was intense but also his determination to not let something like this happen again. 3) Drezen became his city to rule and shape, something he always had dreamed of. 4) Daeran’s and his developing relationship, those intense feelings he decided to allow himself despite his mentor’s warning never to love on a personal level. Aside from all their beautiful dates that made him more and more secure in his decision, Daeran’s dream in Areelu’s laboratory was of high importance too, although in a much more negative way: Their relationship already had started and it hit him hard to see Galfrey in Daeran’s dream when those illusions apparently showed one’s innermost desire. Daeran probably wasn’t ready yet to fully allow his feelings for Salvadore. Things were still starting out and I imagine Galfrey had a great importance in his thoughts and feelings for quite some time (in many ways) before they got to know each other. Still, Salvadore suffered a lot in this moment. But they worked it out and he promised himself that soon he would be the one Daeran would want more than anyone else (and he kept the promise). 5) He realized that those powers, originally coming from the Abyss, were turned into something closer to heaven by his own strength and decided that no one would take them from him. 6) Daeran opened up to him and confessed his love for him in a deeply emotional way and Salvadore knew they would be together always. 7) Galfrey’s death and Daeran’s pain about it (he tried not to show but Salvadore saw it anyway). When she was killed in Iz – because of Salvadore’s decision not to aid her immediately, after all she had picked her fate herself and it’s the risk of any ruler to die for those they’re supposed to protect – and he was at her side through her last moments, he got everything he had thought he wanted all this time, her apology, her appreciation, her place, just to realize that he’d give a lot to save her instead. The guilt only grew stronger with knowing that now his way was utterly free to gain another piece of power he had dreamed of: the Mendevian throne. 8) Daeran proposed to him. 9) Deskari, stepped back from him in fear of what he was able to do. He had become more powerful than actual demon lords. Salvadore killed him and returned to Drezen victorious, now free from the threat of the world wound too and to actually build his kingdom. 6. Did they intervene in Pharasma’s court? If so, what did they decide? He intervened. I answered it in more details here. 11. What did your KC think of the Hand of the Inheritor? Their relationship went from respect to starting friendship to betrayal and ended with the hope of another meeting in the future when they both would have grown. I wrote about it here. 12. What were the hardest choices your KC made? It would have been a hard decision for Salvadore to either kill Mutasafen and let the hostages die or free the hostages and let Mutasafen escape. Luckily, Targora had his back and right when he decided to rather make sure the madman wouldn’t harm anyone else and accept the sacrifice, she told him to save the people instead because she had found Mutasafen’s laboratory. He had to kill Camellia when he didn’t believe her story in the cellar and she attacked him. If he would have had the chance, he would have arrested her instead. Eventually, Salvadore had no choice but to execute Wenduag because she betrayed him. He strongly regrets that he didn’t manage to show her a better way. But most importantly: He, the angel commander who cherishes life above all, killed an Inquisitor to protect the man he loves more than anything, even more than his own important principles. The guilt was intense and a part of it will follow him forever, and still – back at this place, confronted with the same situation – he would decide like this again.

#pathfinder wotr #pathfinder: wrath of the righteous #knight commander salvadore #oc: salvadore #my ocs #dmagedtexts #thank youuu #💗

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maybe-homestuck-now-or-something · 1 year

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okay so based on my audience here, probably nobody knows anything about Golden Kamuy, so this might be a post for no one, but Ogata really is the Vriska of that series.

(spoilers for both Golden Kamuy and Homestuck, if any fan of one actually cares about the other without already having consumed it)

- both characters were made to fend for themselves as young children, which was a traumatizing experience that left them ill equipped to form genuine connections with other people.

- both killed their own parental figure(s)

- both have killed a lot of people in general, and have formed a lot of their identity around being proud of that fact, and they're convinced that they definitely don't feel any guilt for anything they've done.

- on a deeper level, they are the types of characters who deny their own guilt, and thus their own emotional availability, to such a massive degree that they'd rather double down and keep committing atrocities as a way of proving that it doesn't affect them. outside observers may note that they are lying to themselves, and this emotional damage is stacking up on the back burner, to the point where their actions read less like proof of concept, and more like self destruction. when the dam holding these emotions back finally breaks, they'll have to square with everything they're deciding to do in the present, which makes their smug commitment to the bit read as more of a tragedy than anything else.

- both lose an eye at some point, at the hand of someone who is at their wits' end with them. both also use their indifference to this as a smug way to taunt the ones responsible.

- both have an unhealthy relationship with a person who they see as innocent. they both think that this innocent person has no right to maintain innocence when they themselves were never allowed to have that, and they try to corrupt that innocent person by way of mentorship. they think that the harsh conditions they share with that person necessitate corruption, no one can expect to get out unscathed, that innocent person isn't special, they shouldn't be able to exist untainted, and equality will be achieved when they are equally befouled by their circumstances. upon failing to corrupt the innocent character, they end up killing them. because someone like that isn't meant to survive in a world like this, if all is truly fair.

- they both function as someone who is the only one on their own team. other people don't trust them either because they are serial backstabbers. the only person they think they can trust is themselves.

- the closest they get to really bonding with another person is when they think they share someone's circumstances, particularly in relation to the way they grew up as kids. however, this never comes across as healthy, and doesn't really last, because not only is their perspective uniquely warped by the way they were abused from such a young age, but also... anytime someone in their same circumstances actually improves their outlook on life, or copes in healthier ways, they see it as a form of ideological betrayal. in a worst case scenario, they might even see it as being abandoned or neglected again, like the other person is leaving them behind or doesn't get it, and this could even be seen as a re-traumatizing event. it only drives them deeper into their isolated convictions.

- they tend to assume that everybody thinks just like them deep down. they act smug because they think everyone else is just masking, while they are being more "real" somehow.

- both illicit an audience response of "that bitch!" whenever they appear.

- Ogata even appears on the cover of volume 8... I hadn't even realized until I went to grab a pic of him off of google and that cover was one of the first images that popped up.

#homestuck #golden kamuy #vriska serket #ogata hyakunosuke #keep in mind... I'm not saying there's any kind of actual cross contaminated inspiration between these two works #the fact that they are totally disparate pieces of media is why I find this so funny

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taki118 · 6 months

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SuyaLight Master Post Part 15

I really like these two there’s not a lot of content for the fandom as a whole soooo here’s my submission as I get every moment of these two royals who literally share a braincell (and I love them for it) First up this is just on the manga if you are anime only its going to have stuff you havent seen, yes even with what the anime covers (so read it) and there will be spoilers so beware. If you prefer Demon Monk/Cleric/Leo (which I don’t really get) I am sorry this isnt for you. Lets go! Part 1 is here Part 2 is here Part 3 is here Part 4 is here Part 5 is here Part 6 is here Part 7 is here Part 8 is here Part 8.5 is here Part 9 is here Part 10 is here Part 11 is here Part 12 is here Part 13 is here Part 14 is here

Because he overused his second form Twilight is now in a childs body and two people are very interested in this

WHich Twlight is aware of.

He assumes his dad is disappointed in him, really he just wants to catch up on time lost, and that Suya has some sort of cruel plan, really she just wants to see two cute kids play.

So Twilight keeps running from the pair

So this just keeps happening

In the end Suya gets what she wanted.

A demon teddy has gone missing and is freaking out as she does, and Twilight does see her point.

In the end Twilight finds and returns with the Teddy and this is so cute

Suya joins Twilight in brushing Red.

A Princess Suya body pillow was illegally released and because it's got her on it she wants it but Twilight fears the reversed side will have a lewd image and doesnt want her or anyone else seeing it even though he's curious. It ends up being nothing but....

We continue the Suya has weird tastes arc.

Basically the people who made the Suya pillow made illegal merch for Twilight and Leo and she took it. I don't think she fully understands the implications behind the pillows. (But she does seem to have more Twilight merch) Anyway Leo doesn't like it and subconsciously takes the Twilight merch leaving his. Suya misunderstands the reasoning assuming Leo wanted the Twilight merch for his own use.

Suya has gone into full work mode and Twilight is the only one brave enough to ask why. Turns out a recently returned Incubus looks exactly like her father which tiggered an emotional response. In Suya's mind as long as she knows her fathers working she should be working.

While others think this new busy Suya is a good thing as she'll stay out of trouble Twilight isnt so sure.

As he knows what its like to have a tense relationship with a parent he's worried for her, while everyone else brushes it off.

His suspicions turn out to be true. And things get weird the issue is resolved when she sees the Incubus is nothing like her father despite looking similar.

Suya over hears (and misunderstands) a conversation Twilight is having and she vows to protect him because to her the great and powerful demon king is just and innocent boy

But its really just a sauna (pretty sure she saw him get naked) but Twilight just accepts the tag along

Really Musician just suggested the sauna twilight wasn't aware of to reduce some stress

Again she still thinks its dangerous cause she hasn't realized who he was talking to and she doesn't really understand saunas

After the sauna they rest by a pool

But she still thinks this is some nefarious plot and Twilight is starting to get concerned for her behavior

Its actually pretty sweet how she's so worried for him she's going against her nature.

Twilight confesses that he's also been worried about Suya after seeing her in dad guilt induced work mode.

Twilight goes on a very sweet tangent about how little he understands humans and he has so far to go for his goal and Suya is touched

Suya realizes it was wrong of her to assume Twilight needed her protection as he is a king/leader in his own right. I dunno this chapter was super sweet.

I like to think they had a conversation after leaving the spa about her misunderstanding and use it as an inside joke about visiting the sauna.

#aurora suya rhys kaymin #princess suya #suyalight #demon king twilight #sleepy princess in the demon castle #maoujou de oyasumi #long post #manga

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greenthey · 19 days

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Ibises in trees, helping me leave

💛

Marti help me

Rise out of my coffee like a spoon

Sit across from me in this diner

Confident in your yellow turtleneck

Trying to direct my traffic

"You're going to get your clothes together"

After I eat eggs & jalapeños

And try to shore up my power

Ingy help me

"You still have to leave"

Even though my wife is crying at home and saying "I trusted you, I trusted you"

I trusted me too

I acted confident

And sometimes I was

But I was a whole different person

She's dead now

The part that wanted so desperately to be married, and "settled down"

White picket fence queer

Because that felt like safety

Until the house fell apart

On the day of our wedding I looked into the cloudy sky and thought "maybe not"

But then the sun came out and I did it anyway

In uncomfortable shoes

While worrying about how much fun the guests were having

And whether my vows were the right amount of funny vs tender

I remember every one

Though I don't remember yours

It's my own doing, my "fault"

That the relationship was all about your needs

Because I didn't know how to exist

And I didn't know what it meant

That kind of commitment

Because I didn't value my own life

Now your energy is a nest of live wires

Trying to electrify what I won't give you

Unsafe

And I value my life now

More than yours, which I thought I could save

Ingy found herself unsafe too

Because she wanted to be the hero

💙

You told me once

There was a baby boy lying in his own shit in a crib

An addict birth mother, leaving the picture

And a two-spirit second parent who seduced you into the dream

"Let's run away to Arizona"

"We'll raise him together"

Until your partner became jealous

Of the kindness with which you treated waiters

The light always shining out of you

Even when you were drunk and high

You were good, you were so good

You were too good for this world

You stayed too long because there was a helpless baby boy

(I know you loved him more than your lover)

Until the boy was 10, and you couldn't take the hits anymore

You did the best you could, dear one

I hope you have let go of the guilt

Tho I see it still embroidering your blue robe on the other side

Orange and red

Maybe the color is what made your life interesting

I know you still watch over my cousin, tho he is a heinous Republican

Who doesn't believe gays should raise children

Because his own parents fucked up so bad

Manic Monday blasts from the diner radio

I wonder if you to listened to that, on your way back to Ohio

To dry out again at your parents' house

Ashamed of the highs you chased in the desert

Until the lows found you again

🎵 And I can't stop this feeling anymore

I forgot what I started fighting for 🎵

What gave you the strength to leave?

Despite the guilt

Over the child you had no right to protect

Who would spend the next 8 years without a stable adult

How did you save yourself?

"I just had to"

I imagine you

Waking up to sunlight through the windowshade

And maybe just knowing, like I know

"It's time"

Throwing some shit in a bag

Temperance with a coffee cup in one hand,

Pouring the rest of the tequila down the sink with the other

Maybe you left a note because you couldn't face your lover-turned-captor

"I'm sorry, I just have to go"

Maybe you realized your presence couldn't save the boy

Because the fights between his parents were so bad, it became unsafe

Breaking dishes

(Dishes breaking in my own home at the same time)

All of us isolated

World-changers and cycle-breakers

Still on the underside of the wheel

Others envy our light

That shines even through our water and clouds

I want to awaken my blazing sun

And use it without apology

Though all my life I was told to hide it

To make others more comfortable in the dark holes they chose

🎵 Do you really want to hurt me?

Do you really want to make me cry? 🎶

A narcissistic chorus

We are not responsible for the emotions of others

I think you know that now

Tho the first couple years after your death, I felt your spirit as a busybody 😂

Trying to tell me what to do

You still fly over as the hawk

The right amount of attached / detached

For you know my power needs to breathe too

And the complete lack of control we have over others

Let their emotions swell like seas

As my wife must cry new rivers

To take her own boat where it needs to go

Her own spirit guide is with me today

Hawk-nosed woman in a red corset and kerchief

For some reason she is protecting me

More than her charge

"You need to get out"

I know

Protect me

🎶 There's got to be something better than in the middle 🎵

🩷

Walking home, great aunt Kathy beside me

"Sometimes you just have to"

One of her husbands twisted her arm behind her back until the bone snapped

Part of my light is remembering these dark stories

So I can bring them out into the sun & show the world

"Look what you did, look what you did"

"Look what I did too"

Death doula

Because the way we let shame die is to lay it bare

❤️

The guides wait patiently for me to pack my shit

Angels filling my house, keeping my wife's red demons on the ground floor

Which I unfortunately have to walk thru repeatedly

My red dragon breathes in my throat

Trying to melt the ice freezing me to the bed

I am obsessed with timing

Afraid of fucking this up more than it already is, why??

Being red means offending people

Because I need to attend to my own needs first

And I NEED to get out of here

(Unsafe) the child selves are hiding under the covers

The angels wait patiently in the doorframes

The adult throws clothes indiscriminately in trash bags

Everything I don't need immediately, cuz I'm still going to sleep here tonight

Another red spirit protects me, I think

Hands make a rectangle

Holding space

Thank you

🚗🚗🚗

The camper is tight

Everything in it is brown

And smells slightly of mold

But the good kind-- grandma's house

I make a temporary altar on the dining table

To lay out the few crystals I took with me

Clear quartz

Onyx

Carnelian

Tiger's Eye

Aventurine

Bloodstone

Citrine

Chrysoprase

A light blue stone with a hole in it that looks like the ocean (calcite?)

Light yellow worry beads from Italy (also calcite?)

Red jasper llama

Aventurine rabbit

Blue sodalite frog

I forgot the serpentine-- I'm gonna take that one

And one of my aunt's amethysts if I can find them

And the white howlite wolf that still guards my side of the altar

I am struggling not to feel guilty for vacating

It is too easy

Because almost all my shit was already stuffed in one room

The shared spaces were all about her

And the shared spaces in our minds and conversations

I don't understand

Why she doesn't understand

That she was in love with a lack of me

Missing the emotional servant, the attendant

I told you, she is dead

I hope

🍵☕🏆

I want to only share cups

With people who listen back

Who remember things about me

And like me for more than how I make them feel

I know you did, once

I erased myself, slowly, over the course of 10 years

Because I thought that was devotion

It was subjugation

I wish you had noticed

I wish I had noticed

Our second time meeting at the coffee shop

That the way you looked at me

Wasn't quite right

I did notice

I wrote a song called "You're Not the One for Me"

The songs are usually usually right

But then I let myself become possessed

❤️

I don't know how to take the fourth cup

Because I thought stability was this

Self-sacrificing

All my hours to a company that does not respect me

All my affection to a partner who doesn't give it back

I thought if I was good

The world would be good to me

I bowed

Instead of sitting on my throne

I chased sparks

Instead of tending my hearth

How do I take the fourth cup?

When I don't even know what it is?

Patience

❤️

One more day of moving

My spurned wife's own guide bids me to get up, get up

Finish packing and cleaning and get out of here

My card of the day is 9 of Swords

This is a literal nightmare

I am frozen

I bid the red dragon to breathe anger and self-possession from my throat

If I have to hurt her to exist

Then that is the way of things

💙

Cerridwen bids me to honor the pool

And let it be deep

When she cries -- stop trying to explain with logic

Only say "I know it hurts"

"I know"

It is the emotional midbrain that needs to be held

Though I couldn't hold her

Though I deerly wished I could, as a friend

I could not give her false hope

💜

I stomp grapes to kill demons

And I stomp grapes for love

Hers and mine

Not just romantic-- expansive

I wish love did not have to die

And could just keep going forever and ever

I cried to Lava Mother

She offered a piece of her bark

But when I pulled it up there were two black beetles beneath it

I let them be

(Void magick)

💚❤️💙

I repotted two devotional plants

I hope they live

The one, I found taking over an abandoned lot, so probably 😂

(It said "pull me if you want me to come" 😂)

The other is a baby of a baby of a spider plant we once had

From my wife's grandmother

It died but not until after we had given offshoots to all our family members

My cousin gave me one back

It's already grown twice its size

Spider plants are hard to kill

Until they just die, for whatever reason

When they run out of nutrients

Or just decide it's time

🚙

Now I lay in the camper (trailer emoji when?)

Which moves slightly in the wind, honestly kinda fun

Tho something on the outside is RATTLING and driving me NUTS

I bet when it rains, you can hear it on the tin roof

And theres a vent over the bed that opens all the way up to the sky

It is both so big that I can't imagine towing it anywhere

And so small that I can't imagine cooking in here

I've never used a gas stove

I must learn to do a lot of things

It feels easier when I can see blue sky through the ceiling

#my poetry #op #divorce chronicles #marti #ingy #kathy

0 notes

skin-slave · 3 years

Text

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

Grooming Can Look Like:

1. "Is that your real name? I don't really like to call people by their usernames."

Asking for personal information right away - It gives a false sense of intimacy and can be used later to threaten or blackmail.

2. "I see you like Band. My parents hate them. 😂 Do your parents know your music tastes?"

Segueing quickly into private life, sometimes asking invasive questions about home, friends, family, etc - It tells them whether or not a person is isolated, unhappy, self-destructive, unsupervised, etc. The more vulnerable a person is, the more successful grooming can be.

3. "I like your fan art. Do you do nsfw? Nothing crazy, just flirty..."

Bringing up sexuality or other adult subjects in a general way - It pushes the person's boundaries gently, getting them to talk about nsfw things in a way that feels nonthreatening.

4. "That post made a good point. I would never guess you're 14. You're really mature and well-spoken."

Describing the person as mature, smart, wise, resourceful, street-smart, etc - It's flattering, and it gives the illusion of equality and respect in their interactions.

5. "People hate what they don't understand. You're just so unique. I get it."

Reinforcing that the person is unique, misunderstood, above others, etc - It increases isolation and forms a sense of dependance on the groomer.

6. "Omg look at this guy's outfit! It's so hot! You know, you could totally rock something like this!"

Sexualizing the person in flattering ways - It feels like a compliment and edges farther past typical boundaries, normalizing more and more sexual interactions.

7. "That guy was out of line. 😤 I couldn't help it, I messaged him and told him if he doesn't leave you alone I'll doxx him. He won't be back. He knows I'll do it. Please don't be mad, I just hate when people mess with my friends... "

Defending the person, often inappropriately - It's a show of devotion to the person, a display of the potential for aggression that serves to nudge boundaries, and can be used to threaten or coerce later.

8. "I'm totally with you on Ship X. It's so bigoted to break up Ship Y like that. We ought to try to get those freaks banned."

Creating an other to unify against, often inappropriately - It creates a sense of intimacy and serves as a way to push boundaries by encouraging inappropriate behavior.

9. "Idk why you let her waste ur time. U don't need phoneys like that. You have me!!! 😂"

Discouraging competing relationships - It increases isolation, vulnerability and dependence.

10. "Listen, don't worry about your phone bill. I got it. Sent it thru your Kofi, plus a little extra. You deserve it."

Giving gifts, money, or paying bills - It creates a sense of intimacy, and possibly financial dependence. And it can be used as a source of guilt.

11. "Where are you??? Tell whoever you're with that I miss my bff!!!!!"

Checking in, keeping tabs, tracking or asking for updates - It diverts the person's attention onto the groomer, interrupts their social life to further isolate, and creates a pattern of guilt and responsibility for the groomer's feelings.

12. "I can't believe you'd abandon me like this. You know I have depression. Are you trying to make me suicidal? The least you could do is give me a couple weeks to find a new therapist. I'm gonna need one now."

Threatening to harm themselves, or implying that they might if contact ends - It plays on that sense of guilt and responsibility and can be used long after abuse has happened, to prevent disclosure.

Grooming doesn't happen by accident. By definition, it's deliberate. When someone begins grooming, they have already decided to abuse. From that point on, interaction has one goal. It creates a situation where the person being targeted has conflicting emotions about what's happening, no one they trust to give advice, and no way to break out without being the bad guy.

The setup - the grooming behaviors themselves - vary. One abuser might use many approaches, and might even change methods if a target isn't receptive. I think we can all agree that guilt-tripping and displays of aggression aren't healthy under any circumstances, but many common behaviors are things that can happen outside of grooming, in other contexts, and be ok. (An old friend might give generous gifts purely out of friendship, but someone who's practically a stranger, giving generous gifts, acting like an old friend, is potentially predatory.) That's why it can be so hard to see. We can't simply ban their tools or latch onto keywords. There are no elements that are always present. There's no set pattern. There are few flags that are always red. It's not that simple.

The only reliable and realistic way to keep vulnerable ppl safe is to teach them to recognize potential grooming by looking at the entirety of the situation, to trust their feelings, and to speak up.

#im js #grooming mention #how to fix the worlds problems with a tumblr post #i cannot understand grooming survivors calling for bans and crackdowns #when it so obviously does not matter what is available to a groomer - they arent gonna just shrug and pack up and go home #theyre gonna switch tactics and then were back where we are now #except with a false sense of security #thats very very bad #without even touching on how unrealistic and oppressive it is to ban pretty much anything thats used in grooming #ffs i could argue that the most impactful thing a groomer can give is attention/encouragement #now are we gonna ban that or are we gonna teach kids to recognize when its manipulative and not genuine #be real here

26K notes · View notes

emmyhem · 3 years

Text

always (l.r.h)

a/n: hi everyone! this is a lil angsty piece i wanted to get up. i just want to say again how sorry i am for not getting anything up for the past two weeks, i’ve just been overwhelmed with some stuff for my classes, but i am starting to get back in the swing of things now. also, this is unedited as i was rushing to get it up in time. i do plan on posting something else tomorrow night and hopefully i’ll be posting pretty consistently from now on. also this does end kind of abruptly but i wanted to leave it like that because i’m a sucker for angst, with that being said i would be happy to write a part two if that’s something you’d be interested in. anyway, feedback and comments are appreciated as always and i hope you’re all having an amazing day/night. enjoy! - emmy <33

pairing: luke hemmings x fem!reader

summary: luke recounts his mistake and hopes he can patch things up with his always.

warnings: very brief mention of sex, cursing, mentions of alcohol, luke’s being an asshole, mention of pinching (idk), slight insecurity from the reader, lots of angst :(

word count: 2.6k

Luke had always hated the quiet. That’s when his thoughts were the loudest. That must be why he had never really liked being alone with himself.

Tonight in particular, his thoughts were practically screaming, one word over and over again.

“Y/n”

For the past two years that name had acted as his most favorite word, one that he would utter whenever he had gotten the chance. Whether it be to brag about your recent accomplishments to his friends, to catch your attention from another room, or falling from his lips with a sigh of pleasure as he reached completion with you laying breathlessly beneath him.

Now the word seemed torturous, the last time he uttered it replaying on a relentless loop in his head.

It was your 2nd anniversary. Dinner had been laid out on the table for an hour. Two glasses of wine sat untouched in front of a vase of roses you had picked out at the florist earlier that morning, and there was no sign of Luke.

You were wracking through your brain as you watched a petal fall from a rose and land lightly in one of the glasses.

Had you gotten the time wrong?

But you were sure that the two of you had agreed on 8:00 for dinner, that way you had time to get everything ready after getting home from work, and Luke wouldn’t have to rush to leave the studio.

Yet somehow you found yourself staring at the now cold dinner at 9:30, with absolutely no word from Luke. You wanted to call, if for no other reason than to check he was still alive and breathing, but your nerves stopped you from doing that, not wanting to take on the role of the overbearing girlfriend.

Your stomach growled hungrily over the light music that was playing through the house speakers. So, begrudgingly you took a bite of the pasta on your plate before downing your entire glass of wine.

Luke arrived home about 2 hours later, a bouquet of your favorite flowers in hand. He caught sight of the table, with one setting completely untouched as he hung up his coat, causing guilt to pang in his chest.

“Baby,” he called out, carrying himself to your shared bedroom.

When no response came his heart rate sped up in fear that you had left.

“Y/n” he called, louder this time with a sense of urgency clear in his voice.

That’s when he spotted a person sized lump underneath the duvet. Releasing a sigh of relief he moved towards you, peeling the blankets off and leaving a soft kiss on your shoulder.

This caused you to stir a bit, eyes fluttering open to meet him.

“Hi, my love.” he cooed.

A frown was prominent on your face, and a crease separated your eyebrows as they furrowed angrily.

“I’m sorry I’m late. We got a bit carried away in the studio, but in good news the album is coming along great. M’so excited for you to hear it”

You had always tried to be understanding of Luke’s job for many reasons. One being that you both reaped the benefit of his success, you wanted for essentially nothing, had a nice house, the opportunity to travel, and Luke often spoiled you with gifts even if you asked him not to. Another being how happy it made your boyfriend. Music truly was his passion, and he was so talented that you wouldn’t want for him to ever put his work on the back burner for you.

With that being said, you made a point to take time off to spend time with him whenever you were able to. You had even changed jobs because your last one hadn’t allowed you to go on tour with him, which he had been adamant about, insisting, “There’s no way I can be away from you for that long.”

And you were happy to do all of those things, because you were in love, and you felt incredibly lucky to even be a part of his world. But you did start to question things as your relationship went on. It felt like Luke didn’t even consider your job. He only saw it as something that took you away from him.

You had worked hard to get where you were in the occupational field. Without your job all you would have to do is sit around and wait for Luke to be ready for you, and you just couldn’t live like that.

Luke turned on the lamp on your nightstand as you slowly sat up in bed.

“2 weeks Luke, we’ve had these plans for two weeks.”

“I know baby I tried, but you know how it is when inspiration strikes.” he dismissed while sitting the flowers on the ground.

“No, I don’t. Do you not think that I have things I could be doing for work? Cause I do, and I choose this over all of that.” you huffed in frustration.

Luke took a deep breath while subtly rolling his eyes.

“Y/n, I’m sorry for missing dinner, but you don’t understand the pressure I’m under, from the fans, the label, management, and the band.”

“I know that you work hard and I know how important this is to you, and I’m so proud of you, but I’m proud of us too and I would’ve liked to have a night for just us.” you tried to explain. “Not to mention the fact that I’m under pressure in my job too and I always find time for you, no matter what.”

“Yea, you have pressure from a job that you don’t need.” his voice rising in anger with each word as he paced around the room.

“How many times do I have to tell you Luke? It’s my job, it’s a part of my life and I don’t plan on giving it up anytime soon.” you shouted.

“Great.” he replied sarcastically. “Then you should understand that I won’t give up my job anytime soon.”

“I’m not asking you to, I’m just asking for a bit of consideration, and just a sliver of your time.”

“I’m working to make us more money.” he stated.

“Luke, we don’t need any more money. You should be working because you enjoy it and because it’s your passion.”

He let out a condescending laugh before turning to look in your eyes.

“Yea, well you don’t seem to mind all the money when you're sitting at home in the house that I bought, and leeching off of my bank account on the daily. D’ya think you could afford all the shit you have just based on your salary?” he spat crudely.

You physically leaned back as if the words had just actually been thrown at you. They must’ve, because the pain they caused felt far too real to just be emotional. You opened your mouth to fight back, to scream, to do something but the lump in your throat prevented anything to come out other than a sad, and pathetic squeak.

Was that what he thought about you?

This had caught you completely off guard. Sure, you were expecting an argument, you’d even say you were expecting a big one, but you would’ve never guessed he would throw this in your face.

You felt betrayed. It had always made you insecure that you were making such little money compared to your boyfriend.

Some days after receiving your paycheck you would go out and spend it all on Luke, solely because you wanted to know that you could contribute too. You would do that whenever you got the chance, to reassure that your work was important, and valid. And mainly to show Luke that you appreciated all he did for you.

He would always reply, “You don’t have to do this, love. I like spoiling my girl.”

Yeah right.

“I wasn’t, I m-mean I don’t try to lee-,” you paused, the word feeling too gross to repeat back.

“Well, you do whether you're trying or not so the least you can do is give me a break occasionally.” he spoke casually, while changing into sweats as if he wasn’t ripping you apart with every word.

You kept a blank stare at the bedroom door, your eyes already stinging with unshed tears. You wished you could be angrier but his words left you questioning and feeling guilty.

As hard as you’d tried to provide for yourself and make your own way you couldn’t help but wonder if you had subconsciously started leaning on him, more than you had ever wanted.

Luke continued getting ready for bed, not taking a second look at you since hitting you with his harsh words.

“I-I’m sorry.” you croaked.

“It’s fine, Y/n I just wish you could’ve been slightly more understanding.” he continued, still not facing you.

“I think that maybe, I mean, um I gotta go.” you were speaking through tears, as you abruptly stood from the bed and hurried to leave the room.

This caught Luke’s attention causing him to spin in your direction at lightning speed, finally taking in your emotional state.

“Going? Going where? I-what are you talking about?”

You didn’t reply, grabbing your keys, bag, and shoes as you continued to speed to the front door.

“Y/n!” he continued, following closely behind you.

You paused at the front door and turned to meet his eyes. His stressed appearance subsided as you allowed him the opportunity to talk.

“You’re upset.” he concluded, reaching a hand out to hold your cheek.

You leaned away from his touch and shook your head lightly, “M’not.”

His features softened and he took another step closer to you, “You are. I’m sorry, I was harsh.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know?”

“I don’t want t-to leech” you stuttered out.

This rendered Luke speechless, realizing how cruel his words had been. You had taken this as an opportunity to exit the house, quickly running to your car. Luke made it to the driveway just in time to see you drive away.

“Fuck” he snapped, jogging back towards the house to get his phone and call you in hopes of convincing you to come back.

After calling you at least 20 times with no response he conceded and decided he should try and get some sleep, that way he was rested enough to get you to forgive him in the morning.

His body fell naturally to his side of the bed, but his eyes lingered on where you typically laid.

Rolling onto his back, eyes finding the ceiling he muttered to himself, “I’m an idiot.”

Eventually he was tiring out, the bedroom ceiling growing extremely boring after staring for so long. He turned on his side to hug your pillow to his chest. As his hand slid under the pillow it came into contact with an envelope that had been hidden underneath.

He sat up and flicked on a lamp to read the front, “To my Lu”

He could tell that you had taken your time penciling on your words, each letter was flawless and written delicately. Before ripping it open he hesitated, questioning whether or not he even deserved to see what was inside after the way he spoke to you. The selfish part of his brain won for the second time that night.

The first thing he saw after opening was two airline tickets situated just in front of a folded piece of notebook paper.

He held his breath as he brought them into the light, two roundtrip business tickets to Sydney.

He rushed to read the note you had left with them, unfolding it quickly.

“Lu,

Happy two years, my love. I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to call you mine for this long. Not a day goes by where I’m not in complete and utter awe of you and everything you do for me. I know how hard you work and how much you miss home and your family while you continue to grow in your music, and in yourself everyday. I know these aren’t the best tickets you’ve ever had by any means or the most extravagant vacation you’ve taken, but I wanted to show you how much I love you and how much I know you deserve, and need a break. We have 2 weeks, we leave tomorrow. I’ve worked it all out with the guys and your label. I know this is just a small way to repay you for the way you’ve taken care of me and the way you’ve loved me so selflessly for so long but I hope it shows you just a sliver of how much I love you.

Yours always,

Y/n”

He traced the letters of your name repeatedly as he blinked back a few stinging tears, before falling asleep, the note clutched tightly to his chest.

That was a week, and about 100 missed calls ago.

About two days after you left, your friend had called to let him know that you were safe and staying with her for the time being. It had slightly lessened his worry, but the guilt he felt grew exponentially each day he had no reason to say your name.

He had claimed your side of the bed as his own in hopes that it would bring you closer to him. When he had finally dragged himself out of bed to shower he used your body wash and as embarrassing as it sounds nearly cried when the room was flooded with the familiar rose scented steam. And tonight while scouring through the liquor cabinet and feeling completely sorry for himself he had come across a bottle of tequila that you had purchased on your most recent vacation.

Luke had put a serious dent in it by the time he was done scrolling through all of his pictures of you, and his finger began to itch with the need to call you.

Through blurry and clouded eyes he located your contact, a breath hitching in his throat when he clicked the call button.

With each unanswered ring he pinched his wrist, willing himself to wake up and discover this was all just some horrible nightmare, that he would just roll over and see you curled up next to him, warm, and sweet, and perfect. So fucking perfect.

“You’ve reached y/n. Sorry I can’t get to the phone, leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks”

But it’s not his nightmare that got him here, it’s his mistake.

“Y/n,” he croaked, his voice hoarse and scratchy as he hasn’t used it much in the past couple of days.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, I miss you and I’m sorry. I-” his heart was pounding and his intoxication numbed him from the feeling of the hot tears that streamed down his face as he continued. “M’selfish baby. I’m so selfish and I was talking out of my ass that night, of course you’re not leeching. That’s fucking ridiculous, you couldn’t be, I give you nothing compared to what you give me. I just don’t know how to admit I’m wrong and the money is bullshit, it doesn’t matter, we could both live without it.” his chest felt tight as he took a large gulp of air. “I-I can’t live without you, really I don’t think I can. I need you and I love you. I love you so much. Just please come home to me, please baby. I need you with me, and I want to fucking give you the world and I know you don’t need me to give it to you. I want to. I just-I want to give you everything, anything. You can have it all. It’s yours. I’m yours, alwa-” his pleads were cut off by the dial tone.

“Always.” he repeated, staring at the black screen.

pt. 2

504 notes · View notes

hacked-by-jake · 3 years

Note

Hbj, first of all I hope you have a great day. The theories about Jake using the character, it's making me crack my head, I've always been suspicious of the fact that he has such a quick love interest in MC, I don't see the point in him trusting and liking lovingly so fast in someone he doesn't know, whenever things get tough, he loves to say sweet things to calm down.

I love Jake, but of all the questions he can ask a stranger he decides to ask if MC has a boyfriend? It's like he wants to make sure he can use this method and after episode 8 when we decided to tell how we felt about what happened with Richy, I found him so cold in his responses, trying to treat the situation as unimportant and that bad things happen and when he saw that he was not convinced, he started to say beautiful things, I found it strange that he thought about giving up his sister for a complete stranger, because that's what we are, we don't know Jake and neither does he know us.

Despite all the theories, I know that when I talk to Jake again I'm going to trust him completely, after all they are theories, but the signs are there.

(If Jake is manipulating MC I will cry for days)

Hey, dear Anon! <3

Thank you very much! I also hope that you have a nice day/evening/night. <3

Well, first of all, even though the topic hurts a little, just like with you, but I love talking about it.

And I apologize in advance that the answer has become so long. I didn't expect that myself. xD

I fully understand your thoughts about this, and I’m also afraid that Jake is just taking advantage of us. I try to be as neutral as possible, so as not to be completely biased.

Okay, so I can say for myself, and for many others, that we’re actually the same on that point with Jake. We also trust him incredibly fast although he is anything but trustworthy at the beginning.

You know, I think the relationship between MC and Jake is a little bit based on soul mates. That it’s not a coincidence that we get to know him and that we get along so quickly.

We write more with Jake than with the other characters with whom we can enter into a closer relationship. For example, Richy, even when you flirt with Richy, it goes very fast to the point where you can get closer to him.

I think in some ways this "everything goes fast" is also simply because of the way the game works. I mean, we can’t take so much time to get to know everybody.

We immediately talk to all the characters, and directly a lot. If it would take longer in the game, it would be strange firstly because of Hannah, because she would be kidnapped much longer, and secondly, there would be a lot of tension missing. At least I think so.

You know, I think he’s asking MC if we have a boyfriend, actually, is more of a sign that he’s really interested. I don’t consider Jake to be someone who gets closer to someone when the person is already in a relationship. I think he really wanted to know. Because if he did all this just to make us trust him, he might not care if MC is in a relationship or not.

As we can notice, Jake has a hard time getting social contacts, having a hard time with things like smalltalk, etc. he tells us (we can ask him that, but I think only in the premium version) that he is and always was alone. (I can’t remember his exact wording.) And later he tells us that Hannah and Lilly are the only family he has left.

I think MC has just been the first person to really care about him for a long time, asking him more private questions. Directly during our second conversation with him, we can talk to him about the desert island, and ask him, for example, which programs he uses to hack.

I think, as he says himself, we immediately had a good relationship with each other. And if he’s been alone for a long time, and then someone like MC comes and pays attention to his personality, and not just superficially, he enjoys it.

We have not been deterred by him and his performances, and have treated him as a normal person. Not, for example, like the government that sees him as a criminal, but we know he’s a hacker, but we don’t let that put us off.

In episode 8, when Lilly criticizes us for really trusting him, we can say that we had no choice. We had to trust him, to help Hannah.

And so it was for him with MC. He was just trying to save his sister who was kidnapped in front of him. And all of a sudden, our number comes from Hannah. He had as few options as we had. He’s just trying to find his sister, so he has to trust the person whose number seems to have something to do with it.

Moreover, we are all in a dark time. A kidnapper and murderer who kidnapped one person, murdered one person, and maybe even a second one, Richy.

Everything is always under stress and we are working hard to find and save Hannah. Stress, grief and worry. When two people like MC and Jake meet and have to work so closely together, then a little distraction is really good. Or being drawn closer to someone when you’re desperate.

And then he writes a pretty agitated message, I don’t know if you ever chose this option, I can recommend it to you.

I think we can see how Jake really is when we talk to him about that Hannah might have done something to herself.

Jake says, "But if you think she might have done something to herself, that’s out of the question."

We can then say it’s okay, and we’ll continue to talk to him. However, we can continue to talk about it and tell him, for example, that we should not exclude anything. He’s still stubborn, and we can tell him, "Why are you so stubborn?"

(well, unfortunately I can’t find the screenshot of this place and I can’t remember his exact wording)

However, he sounds so desperate and worried and it also sounds a bit like a reproach, so that he even apologizes afterwards and says that he did not want us to feel bad about him.

(Maybe there is someone here who has selected it and has a screenshot of it)

Yes, unfortunately Jake, in episode 8 when we talk about Richy, sounds and is very cold and emotionless. I think it’s just hard for him to understand how it felt. And "unfortunately" he is more focused on finding Hannah that is one of the only things that interest him.

I think Jake is also kind of blaming himself for not being able to help Hannah faster.

As we also know from episode 8, Hannah had sent him an email. However, this address was no longer active, and he only saw it when it was actually too late. He called her right away, but if he’d seen the message sooner, that might never have happened. Of course, it’s not his fault, but that’s how we humans are. And I think it’s the same with him.

If he feels guilty, I can understand that he wants to help so badly. He probably blames himself for breaking off contact with her at the time. That he didn’t dare tell his sister he is her brother.

Maybe then everything would have been different, and Hannah wouldn’t have ended up in this situation.

I think he was thinking of giving up on Hannah and running away with MC because it was stressful for him, too. He also suffers from the situation, but does not admit it to himself.

As he says himself, he tries to look at everything as objectively as possible, so he ignores what happened to Jessy and Richy. Because I think he’s also hiding his own feelings.

And in between, we can see him from the emotional side. Only rarely, but sometimes it happens.

And right now he realizes that for some time it would be easier to disappear with MC and turn your back on everything. Since the situation also burdens him, it is quite normal to think about choosing the easier way, which would also make him feel better.

But, as he also says, this would bring nothing. The responsibility would catch up with us and we would live forever with the guilt of just letting Hannah down.

And last but not least: the topic of manipulation.

And yes, that’s exactly what Jake is doing with us, manipulating us by using our feelings for him, and calming us down by telling us nice things.

Best we see this in episode 7. After his pursuers tried to hack us. Although he used this method before, manipulated us, but in episode 7 it is the most extreme to see.

However, I have to say that we are doing the same thing with him. We’re doing the same thing.

And best we see that, in episode 8.

When we tell him that the others want to see what we have for clues, etc., and the others want him to come into the group.

We know for a fact that Jake isn’t thrilled. But we get him to decide against it by saying, "I can’t do this without you."

And that’s actually also a point that shows me that Jake really likes us, he gives in and accepts the situation after we tell him that.

And that’s exactly what happens when we ask him to write the letter to Ted with Lilly, where we can tell him that we’d like him to be there. And from that moment, Jake says yes.

If he really didn’t want it, or he didn’t care that we told him we couldn’t do it without us, he wouldn’t give in.

He would just keep saying that he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t want to talk to us about it.

We wouldn’t even have time to contradict him, or just tell the others everything, since he could have erased any evidence from our phone.

He lets us manipulate him as much as he manipulate us.

And he writes when he joins the group chat that he wants to change his mind to tell the others everything, because of us.

And even the others realize that Jake likes us.

Lilly, for example, says (when we talk to her in episode 6) that he interrupted the vote, that his reaction wasn’t normal just because he cared about the subject. He’s very biased, not just because we’re important to him to save Hannah. It’s because we were treated unfairly by Lilly and the others.

Jessy says to Phil that there’s someone who likes us, but she doesn’t know if we’re reciprocating his feelings.

I don’t think I need to say anything about Dan, do I?

Jake and MC are not as inconspicuous together as the two think themselves.

I think I’ve addressed the most important things now, so I want to say an end conclusion: I really believe that Jake likes us and not just manipulates us. I really think he wants to get closer to us.

I’m not a psychologist or anything, of course, but I think Jake has some psychological problems that he might even know himself. Many things are difficult for him and I can often identify with him on this point.

His actions and manner are not always the right ways, sometimes he does not know how to behave and what is okay and what is not. We can see it with Jessy and Richy.

With us, he tries to show empathy and support us, which is why he wants us to rest a little afterwards.

Jake doesn’t seem to have had an easy life, and of course that leaves its mark. I don’t think he’s that cold sometimes because he means it badly.

I know we haven’t known him for long, but this whole situation is so special that it’s not surprising that MC and Jake get along so well and get closer.

Of course I can’t say exactly, maybe it’s really all just played by him, that we will only see at the end, but I don’t think that everything is fake.

And of course, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and theories with us. As you can see, I had a lot to say and really enjoyed answering that, and I hope I could help you a little bit.

So, I hope that I have not forgotten anything important now and that I have taken up everything I wanted to and can say. 😅

As I said, I don’t know everything myself, and this is just my opinion. I hope I’ve managed not to be so biased.

Take care of yourself and stay healthy, lovely Anon!💚🎭🌹

#duskwood anon ask #duskwood #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood Jake x mc #duskwood thoughts #duskwood theories #duskwood game #everbyte studio #everbyte game #everbyte duskwood #duskwood everbyte #duskwood hacker #iamjake #hbj dw answers

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eenasbabysmom · 2 years

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Psssst..what if...post/mid canon lwj was the one to discover jiang cheng's sacrifice for wwx

Oh boy, I had to take a minute with this one. If you have the time, here it is:

I'm going to straight off the bat divide this into two responses, because a post canon discovery and a mid canon discovery are two very different beasts, in my opinion.

I think circumstances for a discovery would have to be similar in either case-it is not something that anybody other than Jiang Cheng knows and he's not willingly giving out that type of information. Personally I think it's a combination of trauma, understanding it reveals too many about the depths of his feelings for WWX, later regarding it as a moment of weakness-of giving up and having his mother's voice in his ear forever berating him about it, trauma, not wanting to reveal it because he doesn't want WWX's sympathy/guilt/pity triggering him into being what Jiang Cheng wants/needs/hopes he will be (which is, always, at home, in Lotus Pier, as his right-hand man), and TRAUMA that keeps Jiang Cheng from letting others know about it. He is prepared, even after the Golden Core Reveal, to fully go to his grave without letting this secret out (the motivations for keeping it a secret can arguably be seen as changing or evolving, if you will, after the Golden Core Reveal). So for anyone, let alone Lan Wangji, to discover this secret, it would not be with the conscious consent of Jiang Cheng.

And so, I am going to hypothesize that the Fanfic-Cave-of-strangely-arbitrary-curses-which-prompt-unwilling-unburdening-of-lifelong-secrets must make its appearance no matter where in the timeline this discovery happens. In a post canon reveal, I think this doesn't change too much the nature of the relationship between the reluctant brother in laws. Lan Wangji might experience a slight softening of opinions in regards to Jiang Cheng, he would most definitely not keep it a secret from Wei Ying, but would it be enough to put him in favour of a Yunmeng-bros reconciliation? Not without explicit agreement from Wei Ying-like, if Wei Ying finds out and immediately wants to spend months tagging behind his older-little brother to try and coax him into an emotional confrontation about their tendencies towards self-sacrifice, like Lan Wangji would help. If Wei Ying doesn't know how to cope with this new information, doesn't actively seek out Jiang Cheng for a resolution-Lan Wangji is staying with his husband and not pushing/prompting anything. He still doesn't like the way Jiang Cheng treats Wei Ying, the way he behaves towards Wei Ying's developing relationship with Jin Ling, his inability to not use his words to lash at Wei Ying when in close proximity. It would be more of a 'you loved him, but you lost him through neglect' type response and while Lan Wangji might no longer viscerally hate the very sight of Jiang Cheng, he definitely still doesn't like him and/or only cares about him in relation to how he affects Wei Ying.

MID-CANON-I have some thoughts . . .

So let's put in the caveat here that I'm basing this a lot on CQL, as that was my first and most beloved exposure to this fandom. Like, I have read pieces of the novel, but I don't have the time I used to finish reading novels like I used to (I barely have time to read fanfiction!). How I think Lan Wangji would handle a Jiang Cheng sacrificing himself to save Wei Ying in mid-canon (or, the 16 years of Wei Ying being dead, dead, dead)-this too also depends a lot on the timeline, like I think a Lan Wangji just out of seclusion versus a Lan Wangji who is ten years past the loss of Wei Ying would be different. So, let's not get into the spectrum of what I think different Lan Wangji reactions would be mid-canon. Let's settle on a Lan Wangji that is 8-10 years past the death of Wei Ying.

*Insert confrontation in the Fanfic-Cave-of-strangely-arbitrary-curses-which-prompt-unwilling-unburdening-of-lifelong-secrets here*

So, like Lan Wangji can fixate on things, huh? Especially Wei Ying related things. Lan Wangji, who plays Inquiry every night for a soul that won't answer? That Lan Wangji? The one who hates Jiang Cheng for failing to help him pull Wei Ying to safety, that Lan Wangji? The one who has been a fantastic bitch to Sect Leader Jiang because he blamed him for failing Wei Ying when he should have loved him? The one who sees Jiang Cheng, the bane of demonic cultivators everywhere, and refuses to even acknowledge him because of how much he let down Wei Ying in the later years? That Lan Wangji? How could that Lan Wangji not fixate on this revelation? To turn it over and over in his mind, trying to jam into someplace into his understanding of Jiang Cheng and Wei Ying and finding that it doesn't fit? How could he not hound Jiang Cheng for clarification, for demanding to know why then but not later? How could you be willing to die for someone once and then try to kill them the next?

(That sword glanced off the side of the cliff because Jiang Cheng couldn't bring himself to look. Lan Wangji didn't see how Jiang Cheng closed his eyes, but he knows that Jiang Cheng is a formidable cultivator, a skilled swordsman, and if he really wanted to, he would have struck true-he's ALWAYS known that, but he didn't care to poke at it because it was easier to hate and blame than try to form an understanding of something so complex and tangled. BUT NOW there is more complication, more details sharpening in this blurred image of Yunmeng's Twin Prides, but also NOT ENOUGH of it).

And they fight about it-Jiang Cheng yells and threatens while Lan Wangji glares back bitch-faced and obstinate. Zidian uncoils and Sandu strikes, but Wangji and Bichen meet them both blow for blow. Lotus Pier docks are covered in smudged soot marks and tiny nicks from deadly sharp swords. YMJ disciples become well versed in moving bystanders out of the way, but they don't interfere because SL will have their asses if they do because don't they trust that their SL can handle Hanguang Jun's latest temper tantrum? (And they do not make any commentary about SL Jiang derisively calling out others for their temper because SL lets them get away with a lot of shit, up to and including playing pranks on SL Yao to convince him that there is a ghost in Lotus Pier that is after him specifically)

And after a long period of this happening again and again, and Jiang Cheng so tired of seeing Lan Wangji's bitchy face wherever he turns that he lets out all of his trauma in a verbal vomit of accusations, insults, condemnations, and recriminations. That Jiang Cheng DID give himself up for Wei Ying, because yes he DID love him and he wanted him to live. But also because, THEN, there wasn't a person in the world that he trusted more than Wei Ying. That if Jiang Cheng died, he would be leaving the responsibility for his sister and the remains of his sect to Wei Ying-AND HE WAS OKAY WITH THAT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYONE OUT THERE WHO COULD DO IT BETTER THAN WEI YING. He trusted in Wei Ying's love for their sister and for their sect and his great ability/genius/cultivation on being enough to save the remnants of his sect and get revenge on the Wens for the ones who didn't make it. At that moment, it was a straight exchange-Jiang Cheng for Wei Ying, a moment when love and trust outweighed fear and Jiang Cheng made a choice that he thought was going to end in his own grisly death.

(They both have scars on their bodies for love of Wei Ying, but maybe it says something that Lan Wangji has more than Jiang Cheng.)

But (and before you come for me, this is my approximation of Jiang Cheng's POV) then Wei Ying changed, during the war but more so after. The demonic cultivation and the attitude and surliness during the war-so what? Hadn't they all been through hell? Didn't Wei Ying lose just as much as Jiang Cheng? Wasn't Lotus Pier his home? Wasn't the sect his family? Of course, Jiang Cheng understood where that darkness in the midst of war came from-and he didn't care because he had it too. But when the war was over, when they had to become less unhinged and more upright in order to raise YMJ, to carry on the sect and his family's legacy-Wei Ying wasn't interested. He didn't seem to care at all about YMJ or Jiang Cheng or rebuilding the sect. He still seemed to care about their sister, so there was that, but everything that Jiang Cheng had expected of Wei Ying, of what he had been banking on since the Wens had burnt his home and killed his parents, that didn't happen. Jiang Cheng couldn't rely on Wei Ying for anything to do with the sect; he couldn't count on Wei Ying for anything but being drunk and insubordinate.

And then he chooses Wens over Lotus Pier? Time and time again, when Jiang Cheng asked and begged and pleaded, Wei Ying continued to choose those remnants of the clan that nearly took everything away from them. Jiang Cheng didn't understand how repaying a debt involved giving away your whole damn life. And he didn't care to know! What about the people of Yunmeng and Lotus Pier? Weren't they also owed a debt, a promise of protection in return for their service and their loyalty? How as Jiang Cheng supposed to risk all of them in defense of a wayward brother over a handful of Wen dogs? Were those people worth Lotus Pier? Jiang Cheng didn't think so-Wei Ying apparently did.

But whatever that disconnect led to, defection and fights and arguments-whatever that Wei Ying didn't seem to care about YMJ or Jiang Cheng anymore. He still cared about their sister, Wei Ying still loved his shijie. And that last bit of love Jiang Cheng had for his brother lasted right up until Wei Ying stopped protecting his sister in favour of protecting those damned Wen dogs.

See? The brother he let die wasn't the brother that he was willing to die for-and maybe if Jiang Cheng had been smarter, Wei Ying would have died then and Jiang Cheng might still have his sister now, Jin Ling might still have both his parents and life might still be good instead of endless slough of memories of things Jiang Cheng could never get back. And let Lan Wangji hate him for that, let him scoff at Jiang Cheng for being stuck in the past and simmering in his own bitterness-what did Lan Wangji know of it? Lan Wangji has his brother, his uncle, most of the people of his sect that he grew up with. Lan Wangji hadn't had to hold the cooling body of his dead uncle, watching the guilty culprit-HIS OWN BROTHER-stumble away, bodies dropping in his wake. Lan Wangji didn't have to face that moment, of the last betrayal he ever thought possible, so Lan Wangji doesn't have the right to judge because he could never UNDERSTAND.

SO-what does that change, if anything? I would like to think that Lan Wangji has to accept that perhaps there is more blame to go around than he previously thought. I don't think that it would change the fundamentals of what Wei Ying is to Lan Wangji. I don't think Lan Wangji would ever be like-'you know what, fair SL Jiang. Let me also join you in your condemnation of the criminal Yiling Patriarch'-that is never going to happen. Lan Wangji is in love with Wei Ying, he sees the righteousness in what Wei Ying did-he is still firmly in Wei Ying's corner. BUT, perhaps he understands, a bit more, that there are more casualties from all this than he cared to think about before. That bad decisions were made all around and while he still finds fault and guilt within SL Jiang, the story there is not one of a superior man falling because of an inferior man. That Jiang Cheng is a mess of feelings and thoughts about his former shixiong, and none of those things are ever going to be clarified or detangled. That Jiang Cheng is dichotomy made man-that he hunts and kills demonic cultivators but maybe for a reason; that he is cruel and unrelenting because he thinks that before he wasn't and it cost him everything; that he loves and hates Wei Ying at the same time, in the same breath, and the hurt associated with Wei Ying for Jiang Cheng is like his own, an open wound. But for Lan Wangji, that wound emits a steady stream of red blood while for Jiang Cheng, the wound has become infected and inflamed.

Are they great friends after this? Nope-Jiang Cheng is irritated by every little thing that makes up Lan Wangji and Lan Wangji still finds Jiang Cheng bitter and acidic. But does he acknowledge Jiang Cheng at meetings from then on? Absolutely-they disagree about everything under the sun, and Lan Xichen suspects that fifty percent of the time it's just disagreement for the sake of disagreement (he KNOWS his little brother can be a fantastic little bitch-it's one of the many things that he loves about Lan Wangji). But Lan Wangji brings his hands together and greets Jiang Cheng with an appropriately respectful "Sect Leader Jiang" and Jiang Cheng will return the favour with an equally respectful "Hanguang Jun" and it is a moment of peace before they start metaphorically trying to claw each other's eyeballs out the second demonic cultivation is raised during the conference. It is the same when they meet on night hunts, where the way they strive to outdo one another might be construed as a friendly competition, but there's no friendliness involved and YMJ disciples usually have to distract and carry off their Sect Leader for medical attention before he tries using Zidian to rip Lan Wangji's obscenely decorative hairpiece of his hair in retaliation for a passing commentary on how time seems to be catching up to Sandu Shengshou when a ghost gets close enough to claw through Jiang Cheng's robes to cut up his arm (AND LAN WANGJI IS OLDER THAN JIANG CHENG SO WHO THE FUCK IS HE CALLING OLD?)

Wei Ying coming across a Dafan Mountain hunt scene that is almost not threatening to breakout into a catfight. Lan Wangji destroying 400 spirit nets but not baiting Jiang Cheng by punishing Jin Ling with the Silencing spell (and definitely making a bitchy comment about overcompensation that has Jiang Cheng sputtering sparks from Zidian and still stomping away in a huff). Lan Wangji still helping Wei Ying evade his brother's hold, because while Lan Wangji sees Jiang Cheng differently now, he's not sure he wants to see what will happen if he actually gets his hands on Wei Ying.

(There is will either be bloodshed or crying or both. Lan Wangji is not interested in seeing Jiang Cheng ugly cry-AGAIN.)

Every confrontation with Jiang Cheng at that Discussion Conference is now met with a bitchy thinning of the lips and an audible scoff or two. Wei Ying being wary of his brother while Lan Wangji is just 'don't worry-he's always cranky before a conference because he's been dieting to fit into his ludicrously tight conference robes. He'll be fine after a meal'.

(Jiang Cheng hears all this because Lan Wangji refuses to whisper it and responds by threatening to raise tariffs on Gusu silks again-which has Lan Xichen shaking his head and rushing to get Jiang Cheng inside and to some food because while Lan Wangji is baiting SL Jiang, he's also not wrong.)

And a Golden Core Reveal where Lan Wangji already knows all this? The ache in his heart goes both ways, because now things are clearer to him, but also to Jiang Cheng. He sees a man who thought his love and sacrifice wasted and weak learn that it was actually something that was returned. Two idiot boys who loved each other enough to cut themselves to pieces over it (literally and figuratively) and now there's only scar tissue and dried blood left between them.

AND, I'm cutting myself off before I go on and on and on for another 3000 words.

#jiang cheng #lan wangji #the untamed #mdzs #anon ask #reply #the fanfic cave of strangely arbitrary curses which prompt unwilling unburdening of lifelong secrets #is my new fave mdzs tag #jiang cheng and his stupid bitchy brother in law #lan wangji and his volatile bug zapper of a brother in law #meta #I guess?

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shihalyfie · 3 years

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Daisuke and Ken’s dynamic, and what Ken does for Daisuke in return

Everyone in the main 02 cast can be said to be a little surface-deceptive in some way, and so, even with Daisuke and Ken as the relationship at the forefront of 02′s story, there’s still more going on behind it than first glance would initially make you suspect. It’s all too easy to just take the surface reading and decide that Daisuke is some kind of saint whom Ken is singularly dependent on for his happiness (which would really be quite the unhealthy relationship), or, worse, shove them into the stereotypical BL tropes just because they’re the two at the front, even though the story practically went out of its way to depict them as unusual characters who don’t fit into those kinds of boxes as easily.

Even though it wasn’t stated outright in words, Ken did a lot for Daisuke in return, and there’s a lot of layers to their relationship to each other both in the series and in going forward after it.

What Daisuke does for Ken

That Daisuke and Ken have very “complementary” personalities goes without saying, but this applies to both their surface demeanors and what lies beneath them. Daisuke has an abrasive surface demeanor and a tendency to get defensive, but isn’t actually very assertive at all; on the other hand, Ken is more polite and ostensibly “soft”, but is significantly more assertive than Daisuke is. This also means that, while it would of course be foolhardy to pretend that Ken could easily shrug off all of his trauma, it’s also conversely reductive to shove the two of them into boxes where Ken is a constant crybaby angsting over everything bad that’s happened to him while Daisuke’s the only ray of sunshine who can get him out of it. A lot of Ken’s strength in the series is self-supplied; he of course does end up needing the others’ support at times, but extreme readings like this really don’t give the kid enough credit for how good he is at gritting his teeth and pushing on without anyone prompting him.

The initial problem, however, is that Ken is too assertive about the wrong things at first. Like, say, in 02 episode 26, when he assertively says that he’s going to...recklessly chuck himself into an exploding reactor! For the third quarter of the series, Ken deliberately tries to keep his distance from others, and is very clear and open about his reasons why: in his mind, it’s his responsibility, and the others shouldn’t have to be involved. He doesn’t want their friendship, he doesn’t even think he deserves their friendship, and here’s Daisuke going “okay, yeah, but that’s stupid, shut up and let us help you.”

Adventure and 02 have a strong thread of driving it home that “doing things on sheer principle eventually becomes pointless when it gets in the way of being practical” -- and Daisuke, being a simple-minded and “straightforward” person who doesn’t overthink things, is basically there to keep Ken’s focus back on the proper picture. Because yeah, Ken can attempt to do things like frame things in terms of whether he “deserves” all of this, or “whose responsibility” this all is -- but the fact of the matter is that Daisuke and his friends want to do something and help instead of being sitting ducks about it, Ken’s practically not going to be able to do this alone, and, well, that’s the base of their first Jogress in 02 episode 26! Ken says outright that his goal is to do something to help, but then decides that “helping” should involve suicidally chucking himself into an exploding reactor, and Daisuke, hearing out Ken’s troubles, reminds him that him dying there won’t actually help the way Ken wants to help, because it won’t leave him alive to do all of the other things he wants to do and will hurt his family even more just when he was starting to repair things with them -- and as much as this extremely suicidal plan might temporarily spare the others from dying in an explosion, Daisuke would have to live with the guilt of letting Ken go off to die like that, so it won’t make him happy either.

So in other words, while Ken’s trying to sort out his complicated feelings of guilt, shame, and sense of responsibility, Daisuke’s there to keep his head on straight and remind him when he’s about to run himself in mental circles. Ken would have easily spent the rest of the series trying to make up for what he did even without Daisuke’s help, because he’s such a strong believer in “the right thing to do”, but his way of going on about it would have involved him staying in isolation out of a perceived sense of responsibility, endangering himself out of a sense of self-sacrifice, drowning himself in self-blame and feelings of regret, and, eventually, not addressing the very gaping hole in his life that he very much needs emotional support from others right now.

One thing particularly interesting about the Japanese version of 02 is that, for nearly the entirety of the second half of the series, Ken only refers to Daisuke as “Motomiya”, which is surprising given the fact that he employs given-name basis with the others quite quickly. Ken eventually does commit to “Daisuke” after the series in almost all post-02 material, and this image fits the two so well that pretty much every doujinshi artist has caught onto it despite it not being there all that much in the actual series, but it really took him a while; what gives? (Daisuke himself committed to “Ken” from surname basis “Ichijouji” starting in 02 episode 39.) Well, the important distinction is that Ken dropped the honorific with him from very early on -- meaning that he did want to approach Daisuke with a little bit of casual bluntness in a way beyond the distant respect he treated the others with, but at the time, going straight to buddy-buddy on given name with no honorific at all would have been a bit too much for him, and it comes off as him almost deliberately giving off a sense of distance. Why?

Ken didn’t have too much of an opinion on each individual kid in the group until 02 episode 8, when he developed a particular hatred for Daisuke for “ruining his pride” and decided to emotionally torture him a bit. Then, come 02 episode 25, this same kid approached him with no sense of grudge whatsoever, and presents him with a completely different way of seeing things: “whatever you did in the past, you’re clearly trying to help now, which means we’re now on the same side, so we should work together.” It’s pragmatic; it’s extremely pragmatic, and it’s not like Daisuke was working off of blind optimism and trust as much as he observed, very practically, that Ken was clearly trying to do better now and that therefore they should work together and make use of it. This kind of thought pattern is completely alien to Ken’s “I deserve/don’t deserve this” mentality at this point of this series, and by all standards of his own logic Daisuke should be one of the people who hates him the most, and yet -- nope!

By the time of their Jogress, Ken of course understands that Daisuke’s trying very hard to communicate with him, and thus they develop a sort of rapport -- but they’re not quite friends yet at the level of truly being “comfortable” with each other, because most of the second half of the series involved circumstances where Daisuke was helping Ken through a very emotionally hard time. It’s only at the point of the Christmas party in 02 episode 38 when Ken can really think about having these kids as real friends in terms of socializing and not just people who are willing to work with him in his penance journey. It’s enough that Ken’s able to admit that he wants the help of Daisuke in 02 episode 44, when beforehand he’d been trying to keep everyone out of what he’d perceived as his business. And, as Ken’s slowly more exposed to Daisuke’s way of life and its influence on the rest of the group around him, he comes to understand that maybe having a “close friend who can support him” isn’t that bad after all, since it’s not like these friends are just being “open-minded” towards him; they really are there to support him and his actual feelings and welfare, not just “cutting him slack” because he’s helping.

And so, with that, once the crisis is resolved and all is said and done, Ken finally truly accepts Daisuke as his friend and moves him up to given-name basis (no honorific!). This is most prominently shown in Diablomon Strikes Back, where their interactions are now removed from the question of Ken’s former actions and his emotional problems, and it turns out, they’re still good friends in the sense that friends are. As in, people who laugh together, hang out together, converse with each other casually; even if they are working together on the same thing for the duration of the movie, it’s not such an emotionally tense situation that you could chalk their interactions up to sheer necessity. With Daisuke’s help, Ken was able to move on from all of his past hangups, and the two of them became able to enjoy the moment of “now” like normal children.

What Ken does for Daisuke

Daisuke may be simple-minded enough to not have deep-seated concerns that eat at him every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a bit socially maladjusted during the early parts of the series. Namely, being really insecure and prone to getting defensive whenever he felt he was being made fun of. Those kinds of things were what was most likely to get Daisuke to “lash out” at others, because he slips into his worst bouts of these whenever he’s lacking in validation.

Daisuke was, undoubtedly, improving over the course of the series, with him slowly starting to become more assertive by the time of 02 episode 20. It’s incorrect to say that Ken was the only person who could truly help him with this; 02 is a series about a group dynamic after all (even if the Jogress pairs are the most instrumental in helping each other), and it would be a pretty unhealthy relationship if one person were so dependent on another to even remotely function. But starting in 02 episode 22, when the crisis is momentarily resolved and everyone’s not sure what to do, Daisuke’s feeling of being third wheeled by Takeru and Hikari shoots up right at the moment everyone’s feeling a bit lacking in purpose. Two episodes later, Miyako immediately stages an intervention to help keep his mind off of things, and she’s arguably even the most comfortable with him at this point in time.

It’s not that Daisuke isn’t improving, nor that his friends aren’t trying to help, but, well...emotionally sensitive as Miyako can be, she’s also a bit all over the place herself and sometimes needs restraining; Hikari may be assertive, but she’s pretty obviously apprehensive about shutting Daisuke down too bluntly, and Takeru being so hard to read and evasive about everything means that Daisuke can’t really tell what he’s thinking or understand his intentions; Iori is younger and is restraining himself, so he still won’t cross certain lines with Daisuke. So as you can see, they’re all doing their best, and they’re not doing a terrible job of it either; hell, the rest of the series involves them maturing into people who can better interact with and support each other, so their own relationships with Daisuke are likely to improve even well after the series ends. It’s just that, especially at this point in the series, there’s definitely room for an extra person to fill a certain niche that’s got a gaping void here, begging for someone who’s assertive and put-together enough to regularly keep Daisuke in check, yet also willing to be properly straightforward with him to the extent that he doesn’t have to feel insecure about their intentions. Hmm, who could that be?

Although “the priority of reaching out to Ken” eventually becomes enough of a distraction that it certainly takes Daisuke’s mind off potentially feeling insecure, as we start to see more “casual” interactions between Daisuke and Ken, we see that Ken actually fills in a lot of the gaps that had been so sorely missing in this group dynamic for a while. Forward-thinking as he is, Daisuke’s simple-minded way of going at things has its drawbacks in that he’s not very smart or good at thinking, but Ken is the opposite, being intellectually analytical and much more thoughtful overall, and since Daisuke is the kind of person who defers to others when they’re better than him at something, Ken being right next to him means that he can give him a hand in making important decisions he can’t by himself. This is especially so in Diablomon Strikes Back, when Ken’s role is largely keeping an eye on Daisuke and making sure he’s not a loose cannon -- something he’s very capable of doing -- but also simply being there as a springboard whom Daisuke can comfortably approach and talk to, since Ken is such a mild-mannered, straightforward person who won’t set off his overly defensive tendencies as easily.

That doesn’t mean that Ken is completely above teasing him, of course -- a lot of post-02 material in fact makes sure you understand that he’s not just some soft-hearted saint and can be quite the snarker when he wants, since his increased comfort level with Daisuke means he’s now able to poke at him here and there, even doing something as mean as dumping all of the Christmas shopping on him (the character songs and other related in-character material lie in questionably canonical territory, but that kind of punchline is not unreasonable to imagine given their respective personalities). But, overall, he sets the right tone for Daisuke to have a friend he’s able to be around regularly and receive support from, and to fill in that niche of his casual interactions so that Daisuke can have some more solid grounding in his life.

It’s also a testament to how much Ken himself had changed in terms of becoming the kind of person who could handle Daisuke like this. When the two of them first “met” in 02 episode 8, while Ken was still fully under the influence of the Dark Seed, even if we were to put the part about him being the Kaiser aside, this sort of person would never be able to become a good friend to Daisuke. This episode had Daisuke put him on a pedestal -- someone he’ll never be able to be as good as, whom he looks up to as an “idol”, much like the way Daisuke has a tendency to instinctively put himself down in uplifting others. Thus, it was a negative relationship for both of them; Ken being put on a pedestal that ultimately made him uncomfortable, and Daisuke contributing to putting him there in the first place, and taking it extra personally when that pedestal was shattered. But then, Daisuke himself (and, ultimately, the rest of the group) became able to treat Ken like the “normal person” he wanted to be, with no pedestals, simply considering him as a friend with his own feelings and needs; as a result, being this sort of “normal person” making friends through his true personality and desire to support others meant paved the way for him becoming the one person who was best equipped to deal with the very difficult-to-handle Daisuke.

Incidentally, in terms of Kizuna: considering how 02 was such a series about everyone becoming people who could fundamentally interact and communicate better with others, it stands to reason that everyone’s relationships with each other would uniformly improve even after the events of 02, and you can see better interactions between everyone that go beyond just the Jogress pairs. Ken’s clearly able to interact with more of the people in the group in a much more casual manner than he did in 02 itself, and it’s made an important point in the drama CD that Daisuke took everyone’s incidental advice to heart, not just Ken’s. However, advertising material still prominently features the two as a pair, and although part of this is of course due to marketing, Ken is also the one who gets the final words in extracting his “promise” from Daisuke in the drama CD; the official website also calls special attention to him being the one to accompany Daisuke on his ramen outings, even though the one depicted in the drama CD and movie was planned to involve everyone in the group. There are multiple indications that Daisuke himself has learned to become somewhat less defensive and prone to insecurity compared to himself in 02, and it seems that this was accomplished via Ken still actively putting himself in a role of checking on him and making sure he feels properly supported in all of this.

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #motomiya daisuke #ichijouji ken #daisuke motomiya #ken ichijouji #shihameta

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mego42 · 3 years

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OK but!!! Come over here and randomly sink the 8 ball???? Can we talk about this???? Does rio not understand how the game of pool works??? Was he just hanging out playing against himself prior to this??? Is it a metaphor??? Is 8 the only number he knows???? THOUGHTS????

the fact that we open the scene with a center shot of beth, all bambi-eyes and openly???? letting him see???? her vulnerable????????

the fact that she still sees him as a lifeline and turns to him for help in spite of him being demonstrably useless literally every time she’s asked

the fact that he’s open to it and asks what she needs

aaaaaand then shuts her down when she says it’s for dean

but also is still giving her some p solid, if, you know, a touch sociopathic advice

and then the fact that said advice more or less amounts to please let your ~technical husband rot in jail crime wife

and yes, the fact that he is, apparently just hanging out! in his own bar! after hours! alone! playing pool with himself!

which sounds like it should be a euphemism tbh but no! it is entirely literal!

everyone involved in this show is a lunatic including all of us!

i love it!

literally wtf are you doing rio

i would like to point out he is losing to himself which is fucking hysterical

and also extremely apt, tbh

he climbs up the pool cue when he stands. why. to what purpose.

he told her to be smart before he murdered her co-worker and beth’s like, not even phased at all by that reference

i am teLlinG y’alL murder is their foreplay, the hitman thing’s gonna be fine

if anything he’s gonna be hurt she outsourced it

which, valid!!!!!!

why are his fingers so long why why WHY

every time he lines up and takes a shot i make this sort of garbled hairpin in a vacuum cleaner noise

i didn’t ask to be like this

and when he sees that the please let him rot please please please pitch is not helping beth’s stress level he pivots and like, actually tries to be comforting????????

but is also incredibly bad at it

remember when beth was like my husband took my children and rio was like that sucks, here’s an open tab byyyyyyeeeeee

he is not the best shoulder, is what i’m saying

and yet!! she keeps going to him anyway!!!!

he’s like SIVER LINING MAYBE YOU’LL WANT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN AND BETH JUST STEAMROLLS RIGHT PAST THAT

it like doesn’t even register

fuck that guy? don’t be absurd crime husband

also like

who exactly might want to hit what again hmmmmmmm HMMMMMMMMMMM

i am just saying it feels like there are some layErs here

he is so satisfied when she points out nothing sticks to him i want to slap him i want to slap myself i want to slap everyone

i gOt lucK oN my siDe / mayBe yoU do tOo

smells like foreshadowing in here

also jumping back the way his smile s o f t e n s when he says maybe you do too

the urge to slap remains strong but now with a side of leave mE here tO diE

(bringing back @pynkhues tag meanderings bc it lives in my head now, is this rio’s way of saying he can protect her class please discuss)

and now we arrive at sink the eight ball

i know it’s ridiculous i know but i can’t help it they’re standing there with a the pool cue and the pool table and it’s all weird tangled intimacy that’s about to flip over into intense sexual tension and i am not coping well with this at all

i’m not okay

THE WAY HE PULLS THE CUE AWAY

AND THE WAY SHE’S LIKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER I STG

let beth boland unhinge her jaw and devour the world 2k21 she deserves it

idk what to tell you beth you like it

like let’s pause for a sec and examine the situation shall we? this ep provides some really interesting contrast between beth’s extremely different relationships with the men in her life.

1. we have dean who is, i would argue, shown throughout the ep to be a complete albatross of guilt and long expired, turned toxic gratitude dangling from a rapidly fraying thread called parenting. he’s furious with beth to the point of not wanting to see her while in prison, choosing to stay in prison to avoid coping with how thoroughly their house of cards is tumbling down and the reality of who beth is and who they are to each other that collapse is exposing. 2. we have fitzpatrick who repeatedly tramples her boundaries in a tunnel vision pursuit of the person he thinks she is and his fantasy of the relationship he could have with this person who doesn’t actually exist and we’ve seen how uncomfortable it makes beth to the point that she finally blows up at him, reasserting who she is and it, idk if i would say scares him, but it definitely turns him off. 3. and then we have rio who she is locked in a nightmare game of cat and mouse with, who she has convinced herself is the source of all of her problems and yet when push comes to shove is still the person that she turns to for guidance and support, who she has no objection to sharing physical space with (i hear rumors the pool scene reads wildly divide and yeah i can see how but i am firmly camp they are both experiencing some stupidly complicated emotional upheaval and that’s what that face is, y’all take it how you will), who is also the only person this ep to witness the single, genuine, uncomplicatedly happy glimpse of one elizabeth boland née marks (who can’t help but grin in response to her joy and honestly who wouldn’t she is so gd cUte before he rips the rug out from underneath her)

i got worked up and forgot where i was going with this

something about contrast

but also the like, comfort and familiarity and ease even when Extremely Annoyed

idk i just think it’s neat

let’s see what else happens

oh right they play """"""""""pool"""""""""""

wait no, we’re not there yet

first rio’s gotta do that big-eyed disney princess look he shoots beth’s way from time to time, 209 being the notable example that comes to mind

h E Lp

so now we’re at sinking the eight ball

yeah, no, he does not know how pool works

i’d say it’s embarrassing but what isn’t with them

SPEAKING OF EMBARRASSING

or maybe i mean inexplicable

i tried to be v hardcore on not letting myself speculate about the pool scene and how it would come to be so sexy bc speculation has only ever led to either disappointment or me getting really, really over the top competitive about it to the point where it isn’t even fun for me anymore (which is saying something) but i couldn’t help spinning out potential scenarios bc like why???? how????? the man is draped over her like a blanket and smELliNg heR haiR surely that doesn’t just happen??????

WHAT A FOOL I WAS

LITERALLY FOR NO REASON AT ALL RIO’S LIKE FUCK YOUR PERSONAL SPACE CRIME WIFE IT’S OUR PERSONAL SPACE

AND BETH’S JUST LIKE YEAH SURE CRIME HUSBAND THIS IS FINE AND NORMAL I HAVE NO FURTHER COMMENTARY

LIKE?????????????????????????????????????????

h An dS

hAn D S

H a nD s

anD theN hE smelLs heR hAir like a fuckiN lunAtic

i just

TO WHAT PURPOSE

SCIENCE P L E A S E E X P L A I N

i know we all like to argue until the cows come home over what specific flavor of sloppy the show is and then we argue with the cows but like

this didn’t happen out of nowhere

they’re setting something up

(they fuckin’)

(do not argue with me or my cows)

thE shoUldeR roLl

no thoughts just that

AND THEN SHE MAKES IT

(and everything b o u n c e s)

AND SHE’S SO CUTE????? MY WIFE???????? I LOVE HER????????????

no but literally when was the last time beth was that happy

it’s so pure

and it makes him lauGh toO

s Of t

and then rio’s like no but seriously fuck your husband let him rot in jail and beth’s facce falls and my heart breaks and everyone remembers everything is terrible bc they are absolutely inFURIATING nigHTMARE PEOPLE who caNNOT USE THEIR WORDs

what was the actual question here i don’t even remember

oh right why the eight ball

probs bc it color coordinated with both his and beth’s outfits bc he is A Heaux Like That

#this got entirely away from me #i am not sorry #I LIVE HERE NOW #beth x rio #nbc good girls #see the thing about the pool scene is there was no way i was going to be disappointed #and lo i was not #gg 4x03 #gg spoilers #i guess #long post #whoops

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hawkinsschoolcounselor · 3 years

Text

El and Morality

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the latest teaser left me with a feeling of intense dread. We see these kids playing in a seemingly carefree manner, but then Brenner comes walking in. He greets them, and they obediently respond. They’re all very used to it by this point, and they all call him Papa. He claims to have something special for them, but then we cut over to El’s isolation room and hear Brenner asking her if she’s listening.

Why does this fill me with dread? Mainly because the previous teaser showed some similar images to what we see in this one. The 8-ball, for example, is shown on one of the monitors, only it is covered in blood. It leads me to believe that something terrible happened that day. With Brenner asking if El is ready, then the shot of who appears to be El opening her eyes as if from a nightmare, has me wondering if he used her for something that resulted in the deaths of the other kids.

It’s by no means the most likely scenario for this teaser, but it’s where my mind went. The eerie music, the heavy breathing (ostensibly El’s), the fear on El’s face, it sends an ominous message. Is El remembering something from long ago? Is this a new group of kids in Brenner’s new facility? Is it just a nightmare fed with fear and guilt since she couldn’t save anyone? I really don’t know, but the idea that El may have been used to test the “worth” of the other subjects led me down an interesting road. Whether it was a “training exercise” gone wrong or a deliberate “culling” of the weak, I can’t shake the feeling that El did something that she desperately doesn’t want to remember.

If Brenner intended to use these kids to his own ends, then they should hold no allegiance to anyone but him. Emotional attachments to anyone else would be a risk in his eyes. They would need to have total, unquestioning obedience regardless of what he may ask them to do. For El to be the tool he wishes her to be, she would need to not think twice about killing. Brenner would have instilled in her, and the others, a need to garner his approval. This is why he teaches them to see him as a paternal figure instead of a doctor or teacher. We’ve seen him try to get El to kill a cat, but she refused. This upset him. Yet, we also see her have little issue killing in other circumstances. She’s somehow developed a sense of morals despite being manipulated from birth.

Morals are an interesting phenomenon. The entire concept of right and wrong really is subjective when you think about it. It’s a very abstract concept, and the way we think about it changes as we mature. However, it is also heavily influenced by external sources. In this case, Brenner would seemingly have total control over how his “children” learn to evaluate the morality of a given situation. I’ve previously spoken about El’s mental development, and how Brenner would have wanted to nurture certain intellectual domains, but restrict others. Here I want to discuss a similar process with the psychology of morality. Specifically, we will explore how El may have been manipulated into doing something that we, as viewers, would find horrific, yet come to develop a system of morals in spite, or perhaps because, of that.

Lawrence Kohlberg conceptualized the development of morality as coming in 3 levels (Pre-Conventional, Conventional, and Post-Conventional), broken down into 6 stages . These stages are more or less cumulative, as previous stages help pave the way for later ones. There’s no clear-cut ages for these stages, but level 1 generally encompasses early childhood, level 2 is later childhood and adolescence, and level 3 adulthood. The first level contains the more “primitive” or basic moral frameworks, obedience/punishment driven and self-interest driven. This is a level defined by a more egocentric understanding of the world, as it revolves around what’s “good” being what results in a positive consequence, and what’s bad being what results in a negative consequence. For children, this means learning what’s “good” as a result of an external reinforcer(i.e. “Papa) and then developing this into a sense that it can be used for a mutual benefit (”If I do what Papa says, he will be happy, and I will be rewarded.”). Since it’s still a stage defined by self-interest, there is no loyalty here, and such relationships will deteriorate once it is no longer beneficial.

This may have been Brenner’s fatal flaw. Most individuals wouldn’t move onto the Conventional level until adolescence. While these kids may have had some basic sense of loyalty to “Papa” since it’s possibly all they ever knew, it would still be easily shaken. If you offered these kids some candy, they’d probably do whatever you said unless there was enough fear preventing them from doing so. Fear, not loyalty. El was afraid of Brenner. She may have done his bidding for a long time, but it was because his approval meant better treatment, not because his approval was of value in and of itself.

Given El’s age when she escaped, she was on the cusp of adolescence. Thus, she may have been developing some early features of the 3rd stage, which we can call the “good boy/girl” stage. Here, a person would want to be considered “good” for its own sake, and would look to society for what that means. For our purposes here, Brenner and the lab could have been attempting to be the “society” that the kids would judge themselves with. They would evaluate the morality of an action based on how the others would judge them for it. This is possibly where Brenner wanted the kids to be, only with no concept of what good or bad is beyond what he instilled in them.

That may have been something of a clumsy explanation of the relevant stages of morality, but I didn’t want to get too technical. The important things to take away from this is that El’s sense of right and wrong would have largely have been defined by what resulted in her being happy and/or rewarded. She may have wanted Brenner’s approval, but only because it meant good treatment. The problem here is that El may have been getting her needs met elsewhere: the other kids. If we presume, for the sake of argument, that El developed friendships with the other kids, then we could say that these relationships interfered with the total control that Brenner would want. If she gets older and starts caring more about how they feel about her than how Brenner feels, then his power over her weakens. This is where things get potentially scary.

Let’s say Brenner noticed this happening. El is the most promising, and most dangerous, of his subjects. He must maintain total control over her. However, she is very friendly with the other kids, running the risk of developing attachments that would lead to a more conventional morality. So, Brenner sets up a scenario. He isolates El for an extended period of time, possibly even telling her that the other kids accused her of misbehavior. He tells her that they don’t care about her like he does. El, being in those early stages of moral development, starts to see them as bad since they result in her being hurt. In a real world situation, one kid would be able to do something nice for another in this situation to smooth things over, but this isn’t possible with El in isolation. Then comes the day when Brenner has “something special” in mind for the kids. He’ll see if they’re worth the time and effort, while also finding the extent of El’s obedience.

None of this means El is a bad person, as we will generally see kids acting with such selfishness. One kid gets mad at another for stealing their toy, but fifteen minutes later they’re playing together as if nothing happened. However, kids generally don’t have superpowers they can use instead of pushes and mean words. There’s also usually adults around to help mediate such issues, whereas Brenner would probably want to encourage it to ensure they wanted his approval and his alone.

It’s possible that whatever happened that day changed El and Brenner’s entire dynamic. Whether El was responsible for what (possibly) happened or was just made to witness it, it didn’t have the desired effect for Brenner. We later see El reluctant to kill unless it was to protect (or punish). It’s still unclear where that moral distinction came from, but it suggests that she no longer saw Brenner’s approval as beneficial.

What happened after Brenner walked into that room? Why did he ask if El was listening? Is a present day Brenner asking if present day El is listening while she was remembering/dreaming? Or is the voice a past Brenner asking if past El is listening to his instructions?

Now, this could all be nothing. A good teaser will try to get us hyped up without giving anything important away. The “are you listening” might not even be from that scene at all in reality, or it could just be for the teaser. Still, I thought it a good opportunity for an exploration of morality in someone raised from birth to be a tool or weapon.

Something happened somewhere to make El believe there were right and wrong times to hurt or kill someone, and I just think this may have been a pivotal moment. I think we first see her kill (or at least serious injure) when she breaks out of her isolation cell. That can be explained by her still largely being in the first level of morality. Being in that cell was not in her own best interest, and she reached a point where she didn’t see a way to improve her situation. She may not have intended to kill the orderlies, but it was also not of concern to her. However, we also see her be more deliberate with Troy. First, she merely makes him wet himself, which is a remarkably clever solution. Later, she breaks his arm, but it appeared to only be due to him holding a knife as she simply knocked James down. When it came to the agents or the demogorgon, though, she was prepared to kill again. When she went with Kali to find one of the Lab men, she was ostensibly prepared to kill him until she realized there were kids around. The only pattern I can really see is that she will kill monsters or adults, but she’s reluctant to harm (at least seriously harm) kids or leave them without a caregiver.

I feel like this shows her being caught in between Pre-Conventional and Conventional levels of morality. She’s still largely going off of her own self-interest, but she’s also starting to consider the thoughts and feelings of others, namely her newfound friends. El seems to really want to keep them safe to the point that she risks her own safety. One could say that their approval, particularly Mike’s, is of value to her. She wants them to see her as good, and she attempts to conceal anything that would make her seem “bad” in their eyes, such as the fact that she’s messing with the compass or the fact that she opened the Gate.

We don’t really know how much time would have occurred between the event I hypothesized from the trailer and when El breaks free of the Lab. It’s possible that something happened there to get El to see some sort of moral distinction. She will prank, or even disable, a kid, but she somehow sees serious harm or killing of them as wrong. This leads me to believe that she harbors some type of guilt from her time in the Lab. It could be survivor’s guilt, especially if Brenner made her bear witness to the other’s being hurt or killed. It could also be something far worse if Brenner compelled her to hurt or kill them herself. Regardless, something happened somewhere along the time to get her to no longer as seeing her life in the Lab as “good,” leading to her escaping.

I think this is another one of those posts that got away from me, but hopefully I got my point across. If I try to hard to edit this thing, it’ll never get posted. Again, I have no idea what the teasers are suppose to mean, but they got me started on this train of thought. If you made it this far, then I apologize for those minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #eleven #martin brenner

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lettrespromises · 4 years

Text

THE FORGOTTEN DAY. - AKAASHI, DAICHI, KUROO, ATSUMU.

@luveranime wrote : ❝Hey Nikki its me again lmao 😂. Could you do one where they actually completely forget your birthday? With Akaashi, daichi, kuroo, and atsumu? Make it angst please🥺❞

A.N: ❝dear reader,

thank you so much for trusting me once more with your request! i always love writing the requests even more so than my own prompts. i sincerely hope you’ll like these hc’s, i tried to make these as angsty as i could but atsumu has two braincells and i could NOT resist the temptation of doing something more lighthearted, i hope you won’t be mad at me! mwah! enjoy your promised letter!

sincerely yours, nikki❞

Genre: Kinda angsty, kinda fluffy. Warnings: Cursing, crying.

Now, Akaashi is not one to forget about dates and birthdays. I’m pretty sure he has a notebook filled with everyone’s birthdays written in a chronological order. Needless to say, he’s someone who is extremely organized.

He is the kind of boyfriend to remember all the slightest details you mention when you guys have a conversation. We’re talking about small details, pieces of informations that others wouldn’t necessarily pick up on except if your name is Akaashi Keiji. (I.E: he knows that Bokuto-san classifies his underwear according to each day of the week.)

The week leading up to your birthday, he makes sure to leave several notes stuck on your notebooks, laptop, mug, even your jacket to let you know how loved you are and how exceptional of a human being you are.

Unfortunately for you, your birthday has the misfortune of being set right during the revision week leading to the final exams. The latter are extremely important to Akaashi because missing his exams would result in him not being able to go to inter-school volleyball training held during the weekend.

Even though he’s in a relationship, he can be quite distant when something is bothering him because he refuses categorically to drown you with his problems, revisions being one of them. He’s so driven to study hard (although he’s already an excellent student), that everything else appears as a blur to him- he breathes revisions, eats revisions, lives for revisions.

The latter causes him to inevitably forget about your birthday. At first, you just think he’s playing along with you and he has this huge and sweet surprise in store for you which might explain why he hasn’t left you any love notes or sent you any texts, or even avoid you at school.

The evening of your birthday, you crash down at his place, a bit perplexed at his antics. But, unconsciously, you were still in denial, you knew or at least hoped that he was just purposefully acting as such because he wanted to surprise you for your birthday.

When he opens the door and sees you, he has a quizzical look on his face “Um, hello, Y/N? May I ask what you’re doing here, dove?”

Now, it was your turn to have a quizzical look on your face, “So you really don’t know? Isn’t it, you know, a special day?”

His mind is so coated by his obsession to study hard that nothing comes to his mind, nothing to answer to your interrogation and eventually, nothing to leave his mouth as a response. He could swear there’s something he has forgotten, it’s somehow on the tip of his tongue but no sound is echoed on his part.

“You know what, Akaashi, just don’t make promises you can’t keep. I hope these notes you left me will help you.”

First of all, you called him Akaashi instead of Keiji, meaning that there was something terribly wrong with him or his deeds.

Second of all, he looked carefully enough, there were pearls of tears on the corner of your eyes.

Third of all, he was so taken aback, as if all his memory had resurfaced in the blink of an eye that he still couldn’t find the strength to say something. Instead, his eyes wandered on your figure, his back facing you, already on your way home. The sole reflex he had was to raise his hand in your direction, as if he could catch your silhouette already long gone, hopelessly.

Daichi is already the (unofficial) dad of troublesome children (thank the heavens for mama Sugawara and uncle Asahi), which means not only he has to juggle between his duty as a captain and as a student, but he also must make sure of the stability of your relationship.

It’s really taking a toll on him. Seeing him come home late after late night practice is not even surprising anymore, he just comes to your place and crashes down for the night at unbelievable hours- sometimes ten, sometimes eleven.

His role of captain is so dear to his heart and he’s kind of an all or nothing kind of guy. But when it comes to the volleyball team, he pours every once of passion, patience and energy he has to offer. He knows that the first years have literally gifts when it comes to playing and he wants to exploit their potential at the fullest.

Nonetheless, when it comes to remembering dates, Daichi (being an unofficial dad) has the tendency to remember rather quickly common dates like birthdays, if not, he can always count on Suga to remind him in case he gets too hotheaded into what he’s doing.

On the day of your birthday, he sent you a myriad of texts, mini-novels if you will. All of them were the testimonies of the love he held in your regard, he was so thoughtful, each one of his word was carefully chosen to make you feel like the most loved person on the planet.

Starting the day off with a series of loving texts from your boyfriend is indeed the best way to wake up.

However, after close inspection, the last text he had sent you mentioned a date tonight at your favorite restaurant in town because, and I quote, “you deserve to be treated like the royalty you are.”

Focusing in class was almost impossible, the only thing occupying your mind was tonight’s date with Daichi, just the two of you on your birthday. And truth be told, there was no other way you’d rather spend this ever so special day.

Right after the bell rang, you made a beeline to your place to get ready as Daichi told you he would pick you up at 7, right after practice. Your heart was bursting with joy and impatience, a sweet mix of emotions which made you feel overwhelmed by love.

It was 7 already and your eyes were stuck on the alley of your house, waiting to see Daichi’s car arrive and admire the beautiful, lovestruck grin plastered upon his face.

Then it was 8, and suspicions started to arise in your mind. Your head was clouded by interrogations : “Does he not love me anymore?”, “Is this is way of telling me we should break up?”

Then 9, then 10 and eventually 11.

You waited four hours to hear a sign from Daichi, and you couldn’t keep up with the countless texts you had sent him, wondering where he was. But, you still had hope. Heart-crushing hope that is, or maybe you were just stuck in pure denial.

You were sitting on a chair, several stains of tears on your cheeks already, facing the window which offered a view outside your house because “You never know, he might show up...”

At 11, your phone rang and Daichi’s number highlighted the screen. You were so quick to pick up the phone, your quickness was almost inhuman.

“Baby? Hi, it’s me. Are you still awake?” You hummed in response, scared of the way your voice would break if you were to talk. “Listen, practice-...”, you cut him off : “Practice ran late again, I know, Daichi.”

There was a moment of silence on his end of the line, a moment of guilt.

“Baby, you have no idea how sorry I am. It’s just the team and the firs-...” - “I know, the gifted first years.” your voice was barely above a whisper.

“We can reschedule tomorrow if you want, I’ll ask Ennoshita to take care of the training for me.” He sounded desperate, eaten alive by the guilt consuming him and the fragile tone of your voice, you sounded like a broken record.

“Tomorrow won’t be my birthday anymore, Daichi, you know that.” You knew that if you were to hear the sound of his voice again, you were bound to break in tears, and as much as he hurt you, you knew it wasn’t his fault and you didn’t want to make him feel even more guilty than he already was feeling.

Instead, you hung up while he was still rambling about confused apologies and you headed straight to your room, head low, fresh tears crashing on the stains left by the dried tears. Like an eternal circle, if you will.

Kuroo is someone who is extremely observant by nature, just look at the way he behaves around Kenma- he doesn’t need for you to talk to know how you’re feeling and can directly dissect what’s wrong with you.

So when he finds himself having a one-sided discussion with you, (or a double-sided conversation if you deem silence as a worthy response), his brain automatically goes on retrospection mode and he’s trying to reminisce absolutely everything that happened during the last 48 hours.

The science-related puns don’t work, the teasing is a crushing defeat, all his best aces fail to put a smile on your face or make you crack a laugh. You’re still silent, or if he’s lucky enough, he can hear the faint sound of hum leaving your lips.

His last option is to ask Kenma because Kenma appears as an omniscient point of view in your relationship. And although he’s not directly involved in your couple, he always seems to find the responses to the riddles left by the cons of being in a relationship.

Kuroo and Kenma are having lunch outside, as expected of the blonde individual, his eyes are solely focused on the device held between his hands, but Kuroo is used to it.

“Man, I just don’t get why Y/N is giving me the cold shoulder, it’s really weighing on my mind.”

“Are you sure you don’t know, or do you act as if you don’t know?”

“Ha? What do you mean?”

“Yesterday was Y/N’s birthday, just in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Oh... Oh! It’s time to panic, it’s time to leave his brain on overdrive and find a solution to make up for what he judged an inexcusable behavior.

What broke his heart even more is when he imagined to put himself into your shoes, how heartbroken you must have felt, how alone you must have felt, he even wondered if you wanted to break up with him.

Sure, Kuroo was observant, but sometimes being a airhead got the best of him. Or perhaps in this case, the worse of him.

He froze, his mouth was set agape and kind of like Akaashi, in moments of panic, he didn’t know what to do. He felt defeatist, he knew that forgetting your birthday was a dealbreaker. He already thought of all the consequences of his actions, and he knew that none of these consequences would turn out good in any way.

He ran through the hallways like a madman, yelling to the other students to step aside as he did so. He knew where you were, and he felt so stupid for knowing your timetable off by heart but not being able to remember such a simple date as your birthday.

You were having lunch in class with your friends, and when a hint of a roster’s head peaked through the door, making hand gestures to silently tell you to come see him, you excused yourself and left the class under the puzzling looks of your friends.

To say that Kuroo was sweating was an understatement, he was absolutely shaking to death and he exuded guilt by every pore of his body. Your gaze landed on his face, and your expression seemed lifeless- where did the usual gleam in your eyes go? The shine in your eyes he loved so much?

“You’re free to insult me for the rest of my days on this planet. I know I messed up, I messed up so bad and I don’t even know how to-... Hey? Oi, Y/N, please, please don’t cry.”

If he needed yet another reason to feel guilty, that was his cue. The tears falling in cascade on your face, the scarlet tones of your eyes, everything about you screamed pure sadness.

Both of your hearts broke in unison, and the motion of his hands to capture you and hold him close to his chest was so experimental, as if he’d never held you in his arms in his entire life.

“Why did you forget, Tetsu?”

“I swear on my life that it was unintentional. I know you won’t forgive me anytime soon and, kitten, you have every right to do so. I know it’s not an excuse but just believe me when I say that it was unintentional. I’m so sorry, you have no idea.”

“Just wish me a happy birthday instead of rambling.”

“Happy birthday, kitten, I swear I’ll make it up to you.”

As the manager of the volleyball team, you were Inarizaki’s pride and joy. You were a literal ray of sunshine, the embodiment of a gem and you were always cherished by the entire team for helping them so much.

You always made sure they drank enough, prepped several towels in case they sweated too much (they always did), listened to their problems, eased their doubts- you were undeniably perfect to them.

So perfect that Osamu, as well as the rest of the team, always wondered how and why you ended up with his airhead of a twin, or rather, and I quote, “The useless piss-haired twin.”

To be frank, if it wasn’t for you, Atsumu would probably be dead by now. The cause of his death? Osamu himself? The whole team? His stupidity? We shall never know.

You cannot expect Atsumu to remember any specific dates, he even struggles to remember his own birthday which results in him asking when was his brother born and Osamu letting out a desperate sigh, wondering what on Earth did he do in his previous life to deserve such a twin.

Nonetheless, Osamu’s cooking skills came in handy. The whole team had agreed on celebrating your birthday, a kind of surprise birthday after practice if you will, because you were so good to them.

The divine smell of the cake didn’t go unsmelled (please help is that even a word?? no it’s not but i couldn’t say ‘go unseen’ because a smell can’t be seen like???) by none other than Atsumu himself. “Whatcha’ baking this for?” Osamu didn’t even bother to throw a glance in his twin brother’s direction “You should know, idiot.”

Safe to say that Atsumu got absolutely z e r o information from his brother whatsoever and was thus left in general incomprehension. He then figured that maybe it was someone’s birthday given how well looking the cake was, but whose birthday was it? Once again, z e r o idea.

After practice, the whole team gathered to show you the surprise they had in store for you- Kita had stuck some ‘happy birthday’ posters on the wall, Osamu had brought the cake and Aran had the gift from the whole team in his hands. The preparation was quick and efficient, all while you were changing in your more regular outfit in the locker room.

Needless to say, Atsumu still had z e r o clue to whose birthday they were going to celebrate but the grin on his face still testified of how happy he was.

When you exited the locker room to say goodbye to the rest of the team, you were absolutely overwhelmed by joy when you saw them gathered together, a radiant smile plastered upon their face, they were so proud of themselves and most of all, they were proud to be the reason of your happiness.

Reflex kicked, both of your hands covered your mouth and your vision quickly became blurry from the pearls of tears gathering at the brim of your eyes. To say that you were happy was an understatement, you felt so moved, so touched that this whole surprise was for your birthd-

“Hold up, I thought it was mom’s birthday? Who’s the cake for?”

The look on Osamu’s face screamed “Someone hold me back before I kill this idiot with my bare hands.”

Kita threw a volleyball at the back of Atsumu’s head.

Suna was crying on the inside out of desperation.

Hitoshi was holding Osamu back.

The rest of the team eventually ganged up on Atsumu for even daring to forget their sweet angel’s birthday while you were standing there, dumbfounded to say the least, torn between crying and laughing.

You didn’t even need to make Atsumu pay for his mistake, the team had made sure to make him pay for the next ten years (if I’m being generous.)

So... Happy birthday... I guess?

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