#AS IF THE POST WASN'T GONNA BE HUGE WHO AM I KIDDING

[cat-arsenal]

im shaking the can

🔫 talk about lasko (please and thank you)

(Shall I tag you in the post(s) that will definitely be made after I have absorbed the audios I missed (mostly one of them?))

The irony of the struggle of loving a character who I see a lot of myself in is not lost on me! Traits I find endearing in fictional characters and other people I find annoying in myself so I'm working on that!

Lasko as a dude is so genuine--as, indeed, are all the DAMN Bois (eventually. Gavin)--and that's important to me. Babe has no filter, though, bless him, he tries. Darling, precious, beautiful chatterbox who knows things and wants to share those things with people and wants to know what other people know. He rambles and overshares and he's a little nosy but not in gossipy way, he just wants to know!

Had some bad childhood that probably made him even more of a gentle and caring person who sticks his neck out for strangers. Loves his friends! So much! Loves DnD and has far too many characters and dice (same).

(Certainly projecting-->) Autistic, ADHD, a little OCD and plenty of anxiety, imposter syndrome, insomnia, cold hands, Bad Posture, Some Kind of Gender.

I’m obsessed with the way any time something horny is brought up he’s scandalized at first, thinks about it for a moment, and then is like “yeah let’s do it.” He’s characterized, in an out-of-universe, as shy, but he also goes for it, you know? He can be so sly so suddenly and it always takes my breath away. Examples: 1) The fully-canonical first time he meets you, asks “which 7-Eleven?”, and then says he’s gonna go somewhere because he’s “thirsty.” Excuse me? Whore (Affectionate). 2) The end of his confession audio where he suggests you keep kissing him to help him stop swearing. Sir? Sir.

(Incoming Thirst)

His laugh? Heavenly. His whines? Immaculate. I feel like the amount that I’m into Lasko says Pretty Much Everything about me lmao like it’s a little embarrassing. I like the other dudes but fuck, man. IRL I’m Severely Asexual but this silly imaginary wind boy fucks me UP and I wanna give him the world. All the worlds. The horny and non-horny. I wanna give this man kisses and dinners and snuggles and vibrators and new ties and hugs and a place to rest, you know? I dunno. This is kind of incoherent but there you have it! There’s always more. The depths of my love for Lasko uhhh just keep goin’ but I am So Tired

#cacti! #read more #AS IF THE POST WASN'T GONNA BE HUGE WHO AM I KIDDING #swearing #suggestive #toward the end #redacted asmr #redacted lasko

[heyhihellosworld]

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸…𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻

Mason Mount x reader

Word count: 5k

Summary: You meet your childhood friend Mason again after not seeing him for long.

Warnings: Fluff, smut, angst?? maybe teeny tiny if you squint with closed eyes

Notes: Sorry for not posting in long, didn't really feel inspired but I found this idea interesting and tried it yk. This is from a prompt I got suggested so I did this, don't know what I think of it but the idea was fun. It got a bit weird and probably pretty drastic but yeah... Also couldn't find the request but hope it's okay and thank you for it!

"Who did you say again?" You asked you father who sat lazily in the kitchen chair. He wasn't really focused on you, scrolling down on his computer whilst his eyes fleeted across the screen

"Dad" you repeated, rolling your eyes as he looked up at you sheepishly "What did you say? Sorry sweetie I'm a bit into this"

"I asked who it was that were coming for dinner" you repeated with a soft smile "Ah, Mason. You remember him?"

You nodded through a deep breath "Well he is coming to discuss how we are going to put it up this season" he explained

"Remind me again what you are gonna do with him?"

Your father chuckled at your bored tone, shaking his head at you "I am going to be his agent" "Wow that sound so much fun!" you squealed sarcastically but your father only laughed at you. "It's gonna be fun" he promised with a smile.

"I know you didn't get along with him too well when you were kids but I'm sure you have come over that by now, right?" he asked pointedly, giving you that look he always did when he wanted a certain answer. "Yes dad it's all fine" you murmured, your eyes rolling again "You know you would be much more credible if your eyes didn't roll that much" he smiled at you causing you to laugh, "I can't help it"

"Anyway, I'm going to the library"

"Okay, see you tonight then, dressed formally, don't be late"

"Wait" you stopped, looking at him "Do I need to be a part of this dinner?" you asked with horror, his laugh booming in the room "Of course y/n, you promised you would, don't you remember?"

"I do not" you whined, hanging your head "It's gonna be fine, I think he is bringing someone too" "Fine" you grumbled taking your bag "Be here at six!"

You felt slightly weird as you sat on the kitchen counter waiting for your guests. You had met Mason before but that was many years ago, when you had both been kids and your parents had gotten together for dinner and drinks as the friends they were. You went along good when you were like really small but then it became weird, at least for you.

Mason grew and changed especially in your eyes and your crush became more and more noticeable and the older you got the more you kept away from him, excusing yourself from the dinners to go with some friends or a birthday party. Now you hadn't seen him, except from on the tv, in over seven years.

"Thank you for being here y/n, it really means a lot and even if I know they are our friends and all I am still nervous"

You chuckled at your dad who where running around to fix the last minute details. You had helped him cook when you'd arrived back home from the library and everything was set.

"It's gonna be fine, Mason loves you he would never change his mind" you assured, fixing the napkins and lighting the lights.

The doorbell rang through the house making you both perk up. "Can you open it please, I just need to run to the office to get all the papers and forms"

"Ugh fine" you groaned, turning on your heel to get to the door.

A deep breath, in and out

You unlocked and opened the door to be met by Tony, standing at the door with a huge smile and a bouquet of flowers in his hand. "Y/N! It's so lovely to see you again, you look wonderful" he gushed, engulfing you in a sweet hug and handing you the flowers as you welcomed him in.

"Thank you Tony, they are beautiful" you smiled, showing him into the kitchen where your father had re-appeared. "Mason is just on my tail, he took his own car from the facility" Tony explained just as the doorbell went off yet again.

Your eyes rolled as your father looked at you with a pleading look but you went to open anyway. You almost choked as you opened the door, head snatching back to look up at Mason. It looked like the words caught in his throat too, his eyes fleeting over you, blinking slowly as if to gather what he was seeing.

"Y/n?" he asked in disbelief making you chuckle, tongue poking out from the side of your lips

"Yeah, good to see you again Mason"

You tried to sound polite, moving to the side so he could walk into the house but he didn't move but stayed put, still looking at you. "Wow-uh you look..." your eyebrows raised at his words, anticipating what he would say. You could actually see wheels turn in his head as he tried to rack his brain for the right thing to say.

"..grown" he finally let out, his eyes widened at his stupid words and you had to bite your lip to stop yourself from laughing at him. "Well, thank you" you said sarcastically the panic fleeting around in his eyes and it was all more amusing "No, I didn't mean grown... I mean you look... big..."

Your eyebrows raised once again and his eyes widened even more as he heard his own words "No no no no no, not like that... I just mean you look a lot older... no... fuck!" he exclaimed in annoyance of his lack of conversing skills and you couldn't keep yourself from laughter anymore.

"It's okay, I think I get what you mean" you chuckled, gesturing with your hand for him to move into the house. He dropped his head with an annoyed look on his face, striding towards you and the door "You look great" he sighed as he walked past you causing a grin to make it up to your face as you catched up with your fathers who sat in the living room.

"Mason! It's so good to see you"

The dinner was boring, you were sitting next to Mason as he conversed with your father most of the time. Your father loved his agent job but you never realized how anybody could, it felt boring. To be someone else's fixer, nothing for you.

They discussed all kinds of stuff for the upcoming partnership, but it didn't take long enough to cover the whole dinner so when it was over the topic-to your horror- was you

"So y/n, what do you do now?" Tony asked politely

"Well, I'm still studying" you smiled hoping that would be it but of course it wasn't

"Oh right, what are you studying again?" "I'm studying law" you hummed, trying to eat away the attention on you.

"So do you still live at home or do you have your own apartment? Maybe you live with that boyfriend?" Tony continued and you looked up at your father with a discreet but warning look, but he didn't want to meet it. Knowing you didn't like this attention even from a friend as Tony.

You could feel Mason's eyes on you as well and it stirred something inside of you. It was like the old bubbly feeling you'd had around him as a kid came crippling back and it wasn't welcomed. But who were you kidding. If you'd liked 16 year old Mason 24 year old Mason was not kidding around.

"Well I do have my own apartment" you answered "And I live alone"

"Oh? I thought I heard that you lived with your boyfriend?" Tony continued "I did" you confirmed, feeling immensely uncomfortable with Mason's eyes practically burning into you. "But I moved out when we broke up"

"Oh, sorry I didn't know you'd broken up"

You smiled at the older man "It's okay" you assured, swallowing big to drown out the awkward silence that'd settled around the table.

"Well that's a shame, he was a lovely boy" he tried to soothe but all you did was hum in response, not really wanting to go into detail about just what a lovely boy your ex is.

"Anyway, Mason!" You exclaimed, desperate to move to the next topic. You ignored his widened eyes and smiled sweetly at him "How is your ball going?" He stifled a chuckle at you "My ball? You mean my football?"

"Yeah that's what I said" you muttered, eyes rolling as your dad chuckled at you

"Just talk" you muttered under your breath so only he could hear and he did

"Well it's going shit" he smiled sickly sweet and you couldn't help but to laugh under your breath "Oh I'm sorry" you smiled, his eyes rolling at your sarcasm.

"Yeah you sound so"

"It's not going shit Mason" Tony scolded "It's just not the right time right now"

"That's just a nice way of saying it's going shit" Mason muttered

"I always thought you were the key in Chelsea" you mused, remembering how cockily he'd told you last summer over text when you'd catch up for a barbecue dinner with the rest of his family but he hadn't shown because of a game or training or whatever.

"Y/n, don't be rude" your father tried but he didn't look that mad. "I'm sorry just confused because I remember he told me so clearly last summer" Mason looked at you between narrowed eyes, putting a spoonful into his mouth "It's not just me that's shit everything is shit right now" he defended

"Okay okay, I'm only joking with you but I'm truly sorry if it's hard at the moment, I have seen some of the comments on social media and they are not exactly nice so, I am sorry"

He gave you a quick nod to acknowledge, noting that it was fine. "You should come to a game soon y/n" Tony suggested "And see a shit team?"

You chuckled at your own comment before apologizing to the bitter boy "no I'm sorry, it was a joke" you grinned, patting his thigh reassuringly which only made him grunt

-

The rest of the dinner went smooth, you mostly sat out and listened to your father and Tony converse, only needing you to grunt and hum every now and then.

You didn't pay much attention anymore, thinking about the evening you were gonna have at home. Maybe you should grocery shop? Or watch a movie? Or both... you were ripped from your thoughts as you felt Mason's hand grip your thigh firmly.

Your head snapped up to him but he didn't look at you, instead humming at something your father had said.

You felt hot under his hand, feeling the need to squirm. "What are you doing?" you whispered at him, glaring into his mischievous eyes

"What? You don't like it?"

"That was not the question, it was: What are you doing"

"I'm touching your thigh, is that not okay?"

"Depends on your intentions" you answered to which he only chuckled. The tension was thick, it had been all evening, just from the second he'd looked you over on the doorstep.

"Don't tell me that the little girl inside of you isn't dying from her girl crush right now" he grinned, a part of you wanting to smack that grin off his face but the other one wanted to take him upstairs and fuck him.

You couldn't help but chuckle "oh she is dying, but the grown woman y/n is debating whether to crush your hand or not"

"Ohoh kinky" he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows at your rolling eyes

"So you're telling me that the little boy Mason didn't care for me but grown Mason... gets a boner with his hand on my thigh?" you asked, not being able to unsee the bulge in his jeans.

"Noo, not exactly" Mason hummed, looking over the table again "Young Mason had boners all the time and there are no difference to grown Mason"

You couldn't help but to chuckle at the weird conversation, moving your own hand to his thigh.

Your eyes were stuck at his hand, fingers gently digging into your thigh. "You like my fingers?" Mason asked amusedly, loving the way you looked at him and the way your fingers brushed up his thigh.

"No" you deadpanned, you voice as quite as possible as to not be too obvious with your fathers right across from you.

"Hmm, that's a shame, most people do"

You narrowed your eyes at him "Do you really think I will get turned on with you throwing other women you've fucked in my face?"

He looked unsure for a second at your raised eyebrows and deadpan expression. "Uh-probably that isn't the best way to go huh?"

"I don't know how it usually works, but it doesn't work for me" you hummed amused, looking up into his sparkling eyes

"Well usually it doesn't matter what I say because they still bend over for me at the end of the day" he shrugged, casing your eyes to roll. "Cocky asshole, it won't be that easy, if that's even what you want"

"Well, I mean it's what i've wanted to do since we were kids" he pondered, looking down at your hand that rubbed gently over his thigh.

"Well then you just gotta keep on dreaming" you smiled sweetly, your hand creeping up over his crouch, squeezing his length through his jeans before smirking at him, pushing his hand off and standing up from the dinner table.

"Well this has been lovely but I need to go home, I have early work" you excused

"Ah right sweetheart, how are you coming home?" your father asked standing up to hug you. "Well.. walk?" you suggested

Your father scoffed at you "not a chance at this hour"

"But dad! I don't wanna take an expensive cab" you whined but you knew you wouldn't win this fight, he would never let you walk alone this hour and you honestly didn't want to either.

"I can drive you home if you'd like" Mason offered politely, standing up from the chair as well. You didn't have the time to object before your father answered "Ah that would be awesome Mason! Thank you!"

You stopped yourself from groaning out loud but pressed on a polite smile. "How nice of you" you sarcastically smiled at him, he didn't really care though, a huge grin making it's way over his face.

You said goodbye to the older men heading out to Mason's fancy car. "For going shit you sure do get a lot of money huh?"

He didn't answer, just sent you a cheeky wink as you settled in the car. "It's sexy huh?"

"It is" you hummed in agreement, leaning back into the comfortable seat.

The tension was thick, edging on unbearable but at the same time it was exciting.

Mason didn't look at you, concentrating on the road but you couldn't help to look at him. His eyes stuck ahead of him, one arm resting in his lap and his tongue coming out to wet his lips.

"So" you began, trying to break the thick tension. "I know you said it's going shit... but a lot has happened with the club right?"

"Wow are you hanging on to the news?" Mason smiled, throwing you a quick playful look "Well no but dad does, can't stop talking about you.. I think he has a crush" Mason laughed, shrugging his shoulder "well yeah, they've switched owners of the club, and our manager's been sacked"

"Aha, so it's not only on you?" "No, I guess no but it's really not been my season you know" he sighed making you take pity on him a little

"I'm sure it's not that bad" You promised but the shake off his head showed that he didn't seem to agree with you. "You should've seen me these last couple of weeks, hideous" he gruffed

"I have seen" you hummed making him turn to you for a second before looking back on the road

"I don't know shit about football so I can't really say anything but it has been looking stiff, maybe a bit slow? Confused? But that's the whole team, not you"

"Have you been watching my games?" he grinned smugly, your eyes rolling at his cockiness. "Yeah"

"Really?" he laughed, delighted by the idea "Calm down, it's been on the tv and dad has more or less forced me to"

"Still, you've watched it"

"Yeah yeah" you sighed as he rolled up outside of your apartment complex parking up and turning the engine off.

It felt natural to bee with him like this, even though the tension was still apparent it was comfortable in a way. It was easy.

You chewed on the inside of your chin, contemplating what you should say or do, feeling a bit weird just leaving him now.

"So, it was really nice to see you again" Mason beat you to it, smiling stiffly

You looked down, your eyes fleeting around before landing on his

"Do you wanna come in?" you asked, eyes never leaving his, watching as his lips turned upwards in a genuine smile "Sure" he smiled, quickly popping out his key and jumping out of the car.

You felt a bit stiff leading him through the building and into your apartment but as soon as the door clicked close and you turned to look at him again it disappeared.

You watched as he stepped out of his shoes and walked into the apartment with big eyes

"Wow it's honestly a very nice apartment" he hummed, looking around in the area. It was indeed a very nice apartment, you were proud of it. Big windows showing the city and nicely put together.

"Not to sound rude but how did you afford this place?" he asked astonished, turning his head too look at you "Ah you know, I worked" you shrugged

"Where??"

"In a strip club" you joked, his eyes making a double take between you and the roof decoration "What??"

"hey why are you so surprised, you don't think I would be able to work in a strip club" you asked slightly offended

"Sure you could've" he chuckled, throwing his arm around you "Just didn't expect you to"

"Well I don't, I work in a restaurant and it honestly wasn't as expensive as it looks" you shrugged, tugging off your shoes and jacket before re-joining him in the living room.

He turned to you, licking his lips as you stared up at him intently

"What do you want?" he asked lowly, looking you up and down subtly. "What do you think I wanted by inviting you up here?" you challenged, loving the way he reacted to your words, eyes sparkling and lips turning into a smirk.

"I think you wanted me to do what young us dreamed of"

You didn't answer him, just watched as he came closer to you, placing his hands on your hips and pulling you close before smashing his lips against yours.

It was heated and aggressive, teets and tongue clashing together. You pulled tightly on his hair, his fingers digging into your hips letting you feel everything of him.

You started to walk him backwards, following him with your lips on his as you led him to the bedroom.

"Yeah?" he smirked, pulling back to breathe for a second

"If you want ofcourse" you hummed, pushing him down on the edge of the bed "of course I do" he smiled, guiding you to sit on his lap.

You smiled, kissing his jaw and down his shoulder before sitting straight and dragging off your top. He followed your example, ripping the t-shirt he was wearing of his gorgeous body.

Your eyes trailed his body with lust, fingertips tracing the handsome torso, following his muscles and ripples. Before you knew it he had unclasped your bra and popped your jeans button up, pushing you to stand to take them off which you did, watching as he did the same.

When he had discarded his jeans he went to you again, attacking you with a hot kiss as he lifted you up from the ground, gently laying you down on the bed as you giggled at his behavior, scotching up to the pillows.

He crawled over you, kissing up your body, stopping at your breasts. He completely drank you in, peppering you with kisses and love. "You look beautiful, so fucking beautiful" he grunted out, his breath tickling your skin.

You felt like you were on fire as he licked over your nipple, back arching into his mouth, every part of you begging him to touch you where you needed him to.

You grabbed his hand, leading it down your body to your panties, looking up at him with pleading eyes. He swallowed hard dropping his head slightly before locking eyes with you again.

"Yeah? That's what you want?"

You nodded closing your eyes as you felt his hand creep over your panties. "You want me to touch you here huh?" he teased, dipping one finger inside of your panties, stroking the skin there before taking it back.

"Yes" you breathed, eyes begging him and he didn't have it in him to resist you. His hands pulled your panties down, you kicked them off your feet as his hand finally made contact with you.

He teased you slowly, one finger dipping inside of your folds, dragging it up and down before slowly circling your clit.

It didn't take long before he let one of his fingers slide into you, your eyes closing at the pleasure.

"Mhm" Mason huffed happily, loving to watch how you took his finger

He soon added another one, slowly moving them in and out before he was done teasing. He looked at you with a crooked smile as he slid his fingers in again, keeping them buried within you before he started to crook them in a furious pace, your mouth dropping open and eyes closing.

"Fuck, fuck, ah fuck" was the only words that could leave your mouth as he continued to flick his fingers, his fingertips pressing at the right spot against your walls. It was almost too much, your body moving by itself as he grinned at you, taking pleasure and joy in how your body writhed and the sounds you let out.

"Yeah?" he smirked at you increasing his speed even more, your eyes closing shut at the impact "Mhmm" you mumbled out groaning as his thumb began to circle your clit. "Does that feel good?"

You didn't answer him in words just hummed and mumbled something as you bucked into his hand "Mhmm I bet it does" he murmured, his eyes gawking at you, drinking you in.

"Close" you managed to choke out just in time before your orgasm racked through your body. You jerked under him, your legs shaking as you came down from your high finally opening your eyes to meet his.

He was dangling his face straight over yours. His brown eyes sparkled, his mouth in a soft smile. You felt almost dizzy, a lazy smile meeting his. "You where right, I do like your fingers"

Mason laughed at you, dipping down to kiss you again as you regained clarity and energy. He grinned as you flipped around straddling his waist.

He fixed his position, sitting up against the headboard. This time you took more control, kissing him hungrily, messy and sloppy.

"I know I said I wanted to do this when we were kids but honestly i'm very happy we didn't"

You raised your eyebrows at him as a sign to explain further as you pushed your hand inside of his boxers, softly wrapping your hand around him, stroking him at a slow pace.

"Well now I know I am good and that I at least can hold out for more than 30 seconds"

You chuckled against his lips, brushing yours over his "well then I'm glad too" "Oh really? So 30 seconds isn't enough for you, you're so demanding"

"If you cum in 30 seconds I will be deeply disappointed, especially now when you promised you were good"

"Fuck, maybe I shouldn't have said anything"

You giggled again, kissing him sweetly, "Just fuck me and we will be fine"

He smiled down at you, even sitting in the slumped position he did made him taller than you, he had really grown a lot.

"Well I think you are on top right now so I think you should take the first step"

You pursed your lips at his smart comment, speeding up on your movements, taking satisfaction in the way his tongue came out to wet his lips and how he starts to breathe quicker.

You pushed his boxers down completely pecking his lips sweetly.

You reached up a little, sitting on your knees as you ran his dick through your folds before you sank down on him slowly.

You couldn't help but whine at the stretch but the thing you were most focused on was his face. He looked utterly beautiful as his mouth dropped open, eyes watching you take him more and more and small huffs of air leaving his mouth. His hair was already messy on his forehead but it looked even better like that.

His hands stopped on your hips, helping you create the pattern he wanted. "Shit you take me so good" he groaned, eyes still watching where you were connected.

You tried your best to keep up his pace, the feeling striking through you every time you moved but your legs felt like giving up already. "Fuck, my legs don't work" you panted out, hinting on him to take over. "Is that a lame excuse for making me fuck you?" he chuckled breathy. "No" you breathed and he took pity on you as your legs begun to shake, holding you still whilst moving to fuck up into you instead. Your head landed in his neck, sucking some deep marks there as he picked up the pace. "Fuck, my legs don't work" you panted out, hinting on him to take over. "Is that a lame excuse for making me fuck you?" "No" you breathed and he took pity on you as your legs begun to shake, holding you still whilst moving to fuck up into you instead. Your head landed in his neck, sucking some deep marks there as he picked up the pace.

His mouth was right next to your ear, moaning softly as you used the energy you had left in your legs to move back onto him, meeting his quick hard thrusts. You did all you could to hold back on your sounds but it was close to impossible as he hit that perfect spot inside of you making you climb higher and higher to your climax.

Your eyes closed, mouth still keeping busy at his sensitive skin, using it as a distraction from your independent orgasm. "fuck you feel to fucking good" he mumbled in your ear, sucking your earlobe into his mouth as you let out a whine. The friction was too good and it felt like you were about too explode.

"Fuck Mase" you whined eyes struggling to open as he continued to hit the right spot. "Please" you whined not really knowing for what but for something.

"Fuck baby, keep squeezing me like that and I will come in a second" he grunted, not letting up the pace he had created.

Grunts started to escape his mouth and he quickly pulled out, panting in your ear. He flipped you over to your back, gently laying you back against the pillows. You giggled as your hair tangled in front of your face, his hands coming out to push it out of your face, smiling as he met your eyes again.

His lips met yours sweetly as he lifted one of your legs over his shoulder.

He made eye contact with you before slowly entering you again, relishing in the way your eyes fluttered and back arched as he bottomed out. "Fuck, I won't hold on for too long" he grunted but you didn't care as you could feel your own orgasm picking up just where it was before.

"It's okay" you breathed out. It felt almost hard when you couldn't bury your face in his neck anymore. There where nowhere to distract yourself and nowhere to hide your sounds. You threw your head back, Mason nipping on your neck instead, one of your hands on his hip, digging into his flesh whilst the other on was gripping his shoulder tightly.

"Mase" you whined but this time he seemed to understand as his hand moved down your body and to your clit, rubbing it in tight circles.

It felt like you were floating, your eyes fluttering and back arching more and more for every thrust.

"Ah fuck!" You groaned as he angled just right. "Let go y/n. Fuck-let go"

You moaned out loud as you felt yourself losing grip of reality, his thrusts speeding up before faltering. "Fuck" he grunted as he too let go. You saw stars behind your eyelids as you came down from your high, his hips slowly stilling completely inside of you whilst you both panted harshly.

"Fuck" he whispered, pulling out of you carefully. He dangled his face over yours, grinning stupidly as he kissed you softly

"I hink it was worth the wait"

"Mhm" you smiled, not really having the energy to say anything more but he seemed to understand, flipping down beside you. His arms wrapped around you, pulling you close to him. You already felt asleep, smiling lazily at his sweetness.

"You're really amazing you know" he whispered in your ear making you chuckle lowly "you are too Mase"

#mason mount #mason mount imagine #footballer imagine #england nt #mason mount fanfic #mason mount x reader #mason mount fluff #mason mount smut #mason mount angst #football imagine #mason mount imagines #chelsea

[lover-of-mine]

Okay, so, this will be a stream-of-consciousness type post, because I am this close to starting to print screenshots and do a full murder board trying to make this make sense to someone who is not in my brain, so I'm gonna type this out, and if you're seeing this that means it worked or I just typed for too long to not post lol.

Buck, Actually. Buck, Bothered, and Bewildered. I am not the only person that desperately wants a callback, and I know I'm not the only one thinking about what this might mean for buddie. Well, I've been saying for a while now that I would try to type out something about how buddie has been planned and the answers are in Buck, Actually, and that's what I'm gonna do now, I guess.

We know Buck gets a lot of his ideas of love from Buck, Actually. Seeing Maddie and Chim in the early stages, his own quest with love while moving on from Abby, notably Mitchell and Thomas and the "you don't find it, son, you make it." Buck's quest with love now is at a point where Buck wants to be seen "I feel like she sees me" but he is still at a point where he doesn't want to actually be seen, he wants someone to see what he wants to show, but that's not what actual love is. But still, we start out Buck, Actually with Buck literally in front of a huge sign that says "See Me" (also just to add into my madness about the blue and green in other elements of the scene, love the clear divide of Eddie against the sky and Buck against the sign, and yes I know they can't change the color of the sky or the sign but shh just go with it) with Eddie right above it. Interesting scene composition I think.

But talking about the actual couple here, we have Lola, who feels like her husband doesn't see her anymore after a situation where she feels like she lost herself, their kid went off to college, she has more time to herself, is struggling, and goes nuclear until Norman proves that he does in fact see her, just not in the way she was looking for, dude just wasn't aware there was a problem that needed to be addressed. I know I make everything about the cemetery scene lately, but come on. The whole thing with being seen, Buck not knowing who he is after dying, the expectation he is putting on himself about being the person he was before but he doesn't know who that is, like, come on, it's there.

Then the robbers and the two employees at the gas station, granted the robbers are a lot about Buck thinking about his own ways when it comes to sex and women considering he just had sex with Taylor in a bathroom, BUT here is when I start to go a little crazy. Because Ruth and Earl have that little moment of a relationship developing (hi blue scrunchie green cap 🫶), which we later see has developed, but Earl with his injured right shoulder is talking about how he's hurt but he was only thinking about her safety.

Does that sound familiar to anyone else? Just a thought. Yes, I know I'm crazy, it's fine, it will get worse.

Because another thing about the episode is the whole "till death do us part" thing, with the newlyweds who crashed their car, Mitchell and Thomas dying together, and maybe even Buck having to hold Lola back so she wouldn't fall. I'll come back to this in a second, but you gotta love a nice little crush injury involving a vehicle and a focus on handholding, huh?

But the thing is, Mitchell and Thomas make an impression on Buck, and Mr Self Destruct for Attention because that was the only way I was shown love as a child definitely takes the way they die together a bit too literally. Taylor being in this episode while being blatantly wrong for Buck makes an interesting point on that and the way bucktaylor evolves, because Buck gets the whole you make it, and decides he needs to kill himself to make it work, and it is what he ultimately does with Taylor, he thinks he loves her, he thinks she loves him, and he thinks that means if he doesn't give up he can move past his very obvious reservations about the relationship as a whole because "love is not supposed to be easy". But the whole thing is that Buck focuses on the wrong thing there because while Michell and Thomas died together, they had a whole life together, the point is not the death, it is the life. Yes, you need to fight to make it work, but the fight is not all you have.

Another thing about the episode is the concept of movement too, like, Lola's call on a freeway, both accidents involving a car crash of some sort, the robbery is a chase, even Buck and Taylor in the news van, Maddie talking about how slow being on the freeway is, and metaphorically too, with Madney starting to move towards something, Athena learning to deal with Michael's boyfriend. And Buck finally allowing himself to move on, and move on not going back to his old habits, sleeping with anyone for connection, but actually talking to his love interest for a change.

And we have relationships in all types of moments there, we have Buck and Taylor doomed to fail, we have Maddie and Chim in that nice early stage where you're falling in love with someone, you have Bobby and Athena and the whole when you know you know and the way Bobby proposes the next episode, we have the newlyweds, we have Ruth and Earl making the change in their relationship, we have Robber Guy and Baby Bear realizing that she's more in it than he is, we have Lola and Norman and the whole relationships take effort no matter how long you've been together, you have Mitchell and Thomas sharing a whole life.

There's also the whole layer of having the couple that shows Buck what he wants out of love be a gay couple, the way when Buck realizes Thomas is unresponsive he calls for Eddie first, because Chim and Hen are at the call, and they're not with Mitchell because Mitchell's body is there too, so like, the choice to make sure Eddie would be right next to Buck to comfort him is something.

Also, something else, the inmate who kidnaps them is also called Mitchell, and I cannot explain how I got here for the life of me. But Mitchell, Mitchell, Charlie, Charlie, Ambulance.

I don't know, something about the repetition of names, the ambulance as a key piece of the scene, the bonding, the comfort, the fear, the way Mitchell and Thomas died together, and Buck and Eddie could have died together in all of those situations. And the way Buck volunteers into the danger in all of those situations, he offers to help Eddie with the grenade, he goes to get Eddie without backup while actively being shot at, he runs toward the gunfire because he thinks Eddie is in danger, so like, it's a pattern of wanting to go together.

But also, the madney of it all, because while they are clearly moving towards something, they are not ready yet, but everything is acknowledged, which honestly is my main hope, because I don't think buddie is ready yet, but I would like some acknowledgment that where they're going, yk? And with the episode title possibly being a play with the song about being in love and not showing it, not knowing what to do with it, and the next episode being called "you don't know me" who could also be referencing a song about being in love with someone who doesn't know, we could be looking at real movement happening between the two of them yk?

I don't know if this makes a lot of sense, but if you read this I love you 🫶

#someone tell me if this makes any sense #i'm still not hitting all the points #but i seriously dont know how #my brain is not braining #but the clown shoes are ON #anyway #911 meta #kinda #911 #911 speculation #911 spoilers #buddie thoughts #i think?

[whywoulditho]

"the fandom ruined mha" is one of those vastly popular opinions that i've never quite understood. because they honestly...weren't as bad as people made it seem??? i swear people with zero fandom experience will see a thirteen year old in cheap cosplay having fun and say shit like "ew i hate this fandom you're ruining it" like maybe leave the goddamn kid alone??

mha has a very large fan community, and what makes it a little different than most other anime fandoms is that mha was specifically targeted for a global audience. they did their best to avoid any quirks and cliche tropes of anime that would go over non-japanese' heads. the art style is pretty cartoonish and it's got lots of references to western comics. there's a whole ass movie set in the US. what i'm trying to say is that a large, international fandom was always what they were going for, and it was well received. it was one of those shows that you'd kind of had to watch if you wanted to be in anime spaces back in like 2016-2018. mind you this is when even aot wasn't that popular. and when something is so popular, there's gonna be lot of weird people in the fandom. BECAUSE most of them will be people who have never been in fandom spaces before. the "cringy mha fans" that were the butt of every joke in anime discord were more of than not minors having just been introduced to anime or fandom culture as a whole. there were lots of weird stuff, i admit. but was it ever really that serious? like why couldn't yall just leave those people alone??

another thing people just couldn't stop talking about was how there were way too many ships in the fandom but 1) why is that a bad thing? and 2) of course there were gonna be a lot of ships in a show that introduced TWO WHOLE CLASSROOMS OF TEENAGERS AS THE MAIN CAST who interacted all the time. not to mention all the students from other hero schools, upperclassmen, pro heroes & teachers. there are like a million characters in this show and the more characters the more potential ships -it's fucking common sense. i think what really happened there was that people outside of the fandom looked at the fanmade content and thought the fandom must have been obsessed with ships. when in reality i think the fans were really chill about it. most of them were multishippers, they didn’t mind the other pairings. i understand that for an outsider's eye all the ships and disclose must've looked chaotic but in fandom spaces people know how to filter the content they engage with so there really arent any serious "ship wars" going on anywhere except for maybe instagram comments.

i am not saying all the ships were unproblematic, there were some pretty weird ships going on too, but honestly i thought half of them were jokes? or at least crackships? and if you compared the number of fics those kind of pairings have on ao3 to the more family friendly ones you'd see that there really weren't an actual fanbase for any of those weird ass pairings.

i think the core of mha fandom has never been as chaotic as others thought it was. mha fans were interested in the story, the fights & the character development while casually enjoying ships as well. it wasn't that serious until yall started bullying a bunch of kids online. with the rise of tiktok and the boredom the pandemic caused there were a huge amount of amateur content. i'm not saying i've never seen a mha fan being genuinely cringe. i just think the mature response to those posts would have been leaving the poor kids alone.

yesterday i've seen a youtube video about how awful mha fans are and this guy just showed a clip of a bunch of cosplayers outside of what was probably an anime convention dancing to gangnam style and he was going on and on about how annoying they are. and it made me so angry because where the fuck did these anime fan bourgeoisie snobs come from telling people they can't have fun at FUCKING ANIME CONVENTIONS??? i dont know if you've ever been to one but an anime con is basically the only place that's supposed to be safe to do cringe shit like that. everyone goes to those things in cosplay, some better than others. but last i checked everyone was pretty nice to each other, complimenting each other's costumes, asking to take photos. the cosplays don't have to be good, they don't even have to be complete. a convention is the one place you can show up in a wig you bought off ebay and a costume you finished making the night before. i dont know what yall are on but people go to those events to have fun. not to be filmed and made fun of. and from my personal experience having been in fandom spaces since middle school, someone who dances to gangnam style in a cheap todoroki cosplay is an infinitely nicer person than the stuck-up loser who makes a video complaining about it

#long post #fandom #mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #ships #cosplay #i talk

[babyraccy]

you cannot separate the abdl and little aspects of me from myself. without them then i am still somebody, but there will be a huge chunk missing from me. i probably make it sound super serious but that's bc it is to me. this year will be the third year anniversary of me coming out as an abdl (before you get upset at me using coming out here: you try telling your close friends who know you as just some vanilla-ish guy or in one case your literal mother that you like diapers. go ahead.)

i am so happy. i know so many amazing wonderful people in all sorts of places, even irl!!, who share the same interests i do. i love to look at art, read stories (there's some amazing abdl original fiction out there), talk with people!! i love to talk with people!!!!

being an abdl and a little literally made me come out of my shell and open up! im no better at talking than i was before but i dont feel so pressured or nervous because i know everyone around me is just as weird as i am!!! and i know it was this specifically because i feel like i still struggle in other spaces im in relating to other "weird" things about me

i feel like i was always kind of meant to be this way, too. when i remember things about being a kid relating to diapers obviously there were swaths of tv shows with regression episodes, but i would get physically nauseous with embarrassment if someone saw me watching them. i always thought they could read my mind and knew i was watching it because i really liked when characters were babies/got turned into babies/etc. and wished it would happen to me. it sounds cliche but i still get embarrassed like that because NOW i know people know

ive always been kind of obsessed with babies and baby-related things. i would sneak into my sister's room when she was a baby/toddler to play with her toys; a couple times i climbed into her crib while she wasn't in it (and a couple times i got in trouble). i loved looking at baby clothes, baby toys, etc.

diapers i think was a slow-build that suddenly exploded into real desire when i was... probably fifteen, i can't remember exactly but i think fifteen. and from fifteen to nineteen i denied being into ANY of that so hard im sure it definitely tipped some people off. i forgot it was on my f-list as a teen when i showed it to my best friend. at the time she was like loool what the fuck but um. jokes on her. i can't wait to hang out next weekend and go look at baby things and pet things (ageplay4petplay friendship ftw)

at twenty i made an agere account, and in june of 2021 i abandoned that account and joined some diaper forums, which is when my anniversary is! its actually june 3rd!!

anyways, that's about it for this mountain of a post. im gonna go lay down before bed

i love being an abdl and an ageplayer and a little and a babyfur. peace and love on planet earth and beyond

[slime-enby]

Rachael and Holding Onto the Past and Abuse and Themes

hey cw up front on this one: there's gonna be discussion of abuse n grooming in here

I have been plagued by thinking about the themes of An Atompunk Opera, the New Albion Guide to Analogue Consciousness. It really was a struggle for me and i think mostly that difficulty came down to the character Rachael. As much as i loved her, jokes about her just "being a taxi" for the True Real story kinda kept me from thinking about her story and her writing and giving it proper weight and thought. And that isn't to say that she isn't a passive protagonist for much of the story, she very much is. From the moment she escapes the asylum she was kept in until she runs out on Lee into the arms of Elysium's angels, the narrative mostly happens to and around her. She very much reacts to it.

I think this fits into what I've come to understand as a big theme of An Atompunk Opera, the New Albion Guide to Analogue Consciousness, of holding on too tight to an ideal past to the detriment of seeing, let alone making a new future to be happy in. The most obvious character to point to for this theme is Connor, who was so focused on saving Lee to the detriment of his relationship with zip (mascot 3000) that zip just calls Conner "the madman" instead of dad. and in the end instead of forging a new future with the kid he does have with him, instead he's left with neither one. We see this in Lee's last moments as well, he wants to hold onto and mend a relationship with the woman he thinks is the reincarnated soul of his long dead love, and clinging onto it ends up killing him.

Rachael doesn't seem to be outwardly holding onto something from her past though, does she? I mean all she does after escaping the asylum she was put in after she wanted to keep the pregnancy from a guy who groomed her was follow the instructions of this man older than her because she's lost alone and disoriented- oh hm.

Up front i am not comparing Connor to the man that abused Rachael. This isn't a "Connor is secretly this even worse thing" kind of post. This is a discussion of reaction TO years of abuse and cycles. And Themes. Love a theme.

Rachael is a character who as we meet her in her song details being wooed by a man much older than her n whom demands respect from her life. I have been in similar situations to this. Being made small n to listen to directions leaves a huge impact n even after moments of sticking up for oneself it is very easy to still slip into those patterns. Rachael, i believe, is still subconsciously clinging to a past or more accurately trauma of needing to look for instruction and approval. And as a more active role, is holding on to ideas of soul mates and romance to get her through her life. She's holding on to the love song just for her on the radio. She's the character who's holding on with two gripped fists to something that wasn't good in the first place. Her story is so, so necessarily about being able to let her past go.

So she is a taxi in the story as she's told to be. She goes to elysium because she doesn't have much better to do and as she thinks its where her promised love will be waiting. She steps into elysium greeted by a welcome party!

Then it comes crashing down when Lee tells her that she doesn't feel like Adrian, the he cannot love her in the way she wants. So she runs, and she cries and she wants to die.

And then she lives, and then she chooses to keep living, not chasing after acceptance or recognition or her destined love. Rachael chooses to carve out something new with her acceptance into elysium, and with Zip. She gets to have a happy (after?)life because she's the character who finally stopped clinging to a past that she shouldn't return to

#original #shaperaverse #the new albion guide to analogue consciousness

[cowgurrrl]

Ok maybe I love angst???? I know you wrote readers perspective during break up but what about Joel’s perspective seeing pap pics or posts from crew, knowing Sarah and Ellie still chat with reader?

Sick and FUCKING TWISSSTTTEEEDDDD

but yes 😈

Night Shift

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Summary: “Some days, I want to spit me out, the whole mess of me, but mostly I am good

and quiet.” - Camille Rankine, “Emergency Management” [1.3k]

Warnings: angst, Joel being the best dad, I think that’s it??

The first thing he said to the girls when he told them about the breakup was, "But if you still want to have a relationship with her, that's totally up to you. I know you guys both really liked her." And it was true. After years of being more or less a single dad, he wasn't about to pry the first woman he'd introduced to them from their hands. He reasoned that they were old enough to make their own decisions regarding their relationships. Who was he to take that away? He just wasn't expecting it to hurt as much as it did.

When Sarah got into UCLA, he took the girls to a fancy dinner downtown. He's always been one to shower his daughters in love and adoration, especially when one of them hits a huge milestone and especially now that he has the resources to do so. The night was filled with laughter, wistful ideas about the future, and a few tears on Joel's part. He put his own schooling on hold to raise Sarah, and now, to see her accomplish something he never did, it's warranted for him to be a little emotional. 

Those emotions are still fresh when he wakes up to Sarah sitting at the kitchen table, a beautiful flower vase on the counter. He walks over to where she's sitting and kisses her head before asking who the flowers are from. He expects them to be from his parents or even Tommy and Maria to celebrate the good news, but when Sarah says your name, everything in him freezes. 

"I texted her when I found out because she helped me with applications and stuff. I didn't know she was gonna send anything." She says sheepishly, but Joel composes himself and shakes his head.

"That's perfectly fine, baby. It was nice of her to send you something pretty." He recovers, and she smiles as she walks over to the vase and plucks a note between the petals. 

"She sent a nice note, too. D'you wanna read it?" She asks. He rocks back on his heels, glancing between the flowers and the soft smile on his daughter's face. She wouldn't offer if she didn't want him to read it. He nods weakly, and she hands him the tiny notecard, rereading it over his shoulder.

For SBM,

Congratulations on getting into UCLA! I'm proud of you every day but especially today. You're going to do amazing things, kid, and I can't wait to see what they are.

Love you

Then, under the heartfelt note are your initials. Joel stares at them like it's enough to fix the past and bring you back to California. Sarah notices and wraps her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. He takes a deep breath and kisses her temple.

"That was very nice, honey. D'you text her to say thank you?"

"Yeah, but she's ahead by a few hours, so she probably won't see it for a while," she mumbles. "Have you talked to her since she left?" He thinks about lying to soften the blow for her as all good parents do, but she'd see right through that.

"Don't think she'd wanna hear from me."

"That's not true." 

"She's workin'. I'm pretty sure the last thing she wants right now is to hear from her ex."

"How do you know?" She challenges, and he gives her a look.

"What?"

"How do you know the last thing she wants is to hear from you? What if she's waiting for you to make the first move?"

"Sarah." He says, shaking his head. 

"I'm just saying you never know until you try! You, obviously, cared about each other. That doesn't just go away overnight." She says, throwing her arms up in defeat.

"It's not that simple."

"Because you still love her."

"Because I fucked up," he says. He makes it a point not to curse in front of the girls very often, but they can always tell when he's upset because it slips out. Old habits die hard, right? Sarah stands there, staring at her dad, as he thinks. "I hurt her, and when you hurt someone, you don't get to decide when things are okay again. I hurt her, and she did what she had to, and I have to respect that."

"You could tell her Angela disappeared again. Maybe that'd make it better?" She suggests, and Joel's heart breaks all over again. Sarah put a lot of faith in Angela this time. They all did. He thought she had turned a corner, and she had, but that didn't mean she was ready to step up for his daughter. She said as much in her letter. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'll only hurt Sarah. Tell her I love her, but I can't be the mother she needs. I don't know that I ever will be. Just like that, he was left to pick up the pieces again. 

He reaches for her and pulls her into a tight hug. She rests her head on his chest, and he rubs her back. They stay like that for a long time, tears falling from both. He tells her it's not her fault. Angela is sick, and she has been for a long time. It's not an excuse, but it's a reason. He tells her he wishes she could be better for her, that she deserves a mother whose presence doesn't bring pain. He tells her he loves her and he's always here for her. He wishes so deeply that he could take this pain away from her and erase any bad memories of her mother. In a perfect world, maybe they could co-parent or, at least, see each other at family events every couple of years. But this is not a perfect world, and they both know it. So, like always, Joel holds his baby girl and tries to make things okay for her. 

"I love you, Dad," Sarah whispers after a long silence. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For always trying." She says. The words rattle in Joel's skull, and he immediately tears up again. He clears his throat and kisses her head again to hide the tears.

"I love you, kiddo. With everything I am." He says. When she looks up at him, he wipes his tears and claps his hands together.

"Alright, no more bein' sad. What does the college girl want for breakfast?" He asks, opening the pantry to search for something to make. He smiles as he reaches up on the top shelf and pulls down a box. "Pancakes?" Sarah's face doesn't change, and he raises his eyebrows at her. "C'mon, when you were a little girl, these were all you wanted to eat. Used to ask for 'em for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Pretty sure Abuela Lucy thought I didn't know how to make anythin' else." He teases, floating the box in front of her face mischievously. "You know you want 'em. I can see it in your eyes."

"Alright, fine, but we're coming back to your love life later." She finally smiles.

"Whatever you want, pumpkin."

Ellie wakes up to the smell of pancakes and the sound of their laughter, completely in the dark about their earlier conversation. With his girls, Joel makes pancakes and listens to them bicker and make plans for the day. Maybe, in another universe, you'd be there with him, enjoying the sunshine and flour-stained countertops. In another universe, Joel doesn't have to apologize to his daughter on behalf of a mother who doesn't care. In another universe, you're a weird, blended family who isn't perfect, but goddammit, do you try your best to be good for each other. The bittersweet thought rings in Joel's ears, and he has to shrug it away.

It's okay, he thinks. It's nice to still have dreams, right?

#Joel finally getting to make pancakes for Sarah #OH GOD IVE BEEN HIT #one for the money two for the show #one for the money two for the show request #rockstar!joel x actress!reader #rockstar!joel miller #tlou au #the last of us au #joel miller angst #the last of us angst

[jut-and-dae-enthusiast]

The Only Exception // s.c.b

pairing: idol!changbin x fem!reader I genre: fluff, friends to lovers, some angst, one sided love, 18+ I warnings: some talk of self-image issues, relationship trauma, explicit sexual content, unprotected sex (wrap it up kiddos), breeding kink if you squint, oral sex (f receiving), use of pet-names (babe, baby,princess), mc is unexperienced but not a virgin, aftercare, i am a huge simp for seo changbin, mc is plus sized (bc there aren't enough chubby y/n's in the world and this is my fic)

word count: 10.3k words

a/n: This is my first time posting a fic on here and I have no idea how it's gonna go. If you guys enjoy this, I already have more than enough ideas for a second part/make this into a series.

feedback and re-blogging is deeply appreciated!

synopsis: she's given up on love and decided to focus on building her career. However, meeting a certain member of Stray Kids may change things.

 

Everywhere you went, whispers followed. 

Everywhere you went, whispers followed. 

“There's the spinster.” “Did you hear when she said she’ll never get married?” “I wonder how many cats she has at this point.”

In the beginning, it bothered you a lot. You would lash out, cry, yell. People thought you were crazy, labeling you a psycho on top of all the other things they said about you. But eventually they left you alone. 

Now, even when you hear these whispers, you ignore it. Do you find it annoying that people talk like this even though you’re only 25? Yes. But you figured it was probably magnified due to your outspoken hatred towards the idea of marriage. 

“A man will only slow me down.” You would mumble passively whenever your employee’s tried to ask you about this mindset. “Do you think I achieved this much by this age because I was flirting with boys and going on dates?” Whenever you spoke like this, the awkwardness rose in the air like a swift breeze. “But that’s just my preference. Do whatever you like.” You tried to lighten the room, but it hardly worked. 

The thing you despised the most were the men who attempted to “tame” you. They were normally men who would recognize you from work and try to approach you at the bar. 

“Maybe you just need to meet the right guy.” Was a common line. 

“Are you implying that you are this mystical right guy?” You would retort and watch the fire snuff from their eyes. Because they were losers to start with, they were never persistent. They preferred cute, easy women. Women who would giggle at their jokes and smile brightly at them. If you thought really hard, you could remember a time when you were exactly like that. 

Seven Years Ago

“Why don’t you put yourself out there? The love of your life won’t come onto your doorstep!” Your friend teased, pausing the romance movie you had put on the tv. 

“I don’t know, it’s kinda scary. I think I’m okay with waiting.” You assured them, resuming the movie and tuning them out. 

Eventually, you gave in to their nagging and decided to go on a blind date. When you got there, you smiled softly to yourself. While he wasn’t the most handsome man you had ever seen, he had potential. A different haircut, maybe some better clothes. Something in your stomach felt weird, but you pushed it to the side, calling it nerves. 

The date went well. He was nice and made you laugh. You could immediately tell that he liked you more than you liked him just by the way he looked at you. Also, the way he practically begged for your number at the end of the date. When you got home that night, they texted all night. Even though you weren't crazy about him, you liked the fact that he gave you attention and figured it wouldn’t hurt to just see how it goes. 

Fast forward two weeks and you could feel yourself liking him more and more. Even though you were scared of how quickly your feelings were developing, you were comforted by the fact that he still seemed to like you more. He was still actively pursuing you and messaging you all day. 

A month later, your relationship still wasn't official. However, you had completely fallen for him. In the ways you weren't attracted to him before, you suddenly found him cute. you found his style endearing, his haircut adorable. Even when he was forgetful or late, you were just smitten with him. They had gone on many more dates during that time. They went to the movies, cafe’s, walks in the park, just about anything a college aged couple could do. 

“Hey, I think we should stop here.” He suddenly said out of nowhere as they walked home together after seeing a movie. 

“What?” you asked, confused at the sudden confession. 

“I just think that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” It was quiet for a moment between the two of them, tears already spilling down your cheeks. “You’re such a sweet girl. You deserve someone better than me. I know you’ll find a guy who really cherishes you one day.” And then he left you crying in the middle of the sidewalk. you were hurt and confused. you didn’t want someone else, you wanted him. How could he walk away from you so easily when not even a week ago, he gushed about how perfect you were and how lucky he was to have you? Said he liked you so much over and over on the phone because he was so enamored with you. 

A week later, you saw him walking in the store. His hand was holding tightly to a girl who was small and cute and pretty. You ducked into an aisle to avoid making eye contact with him, frantically wiping the tears from your eyes. You remembered how he so adamantly told you he “preferred bigger girls” and didn’t even care about your size. You weren't massive by any means, but you looked big compared to that girl. You could probably fit four of that girl into the hoodie you were wearing right now. 

After a long while of convincing, you allowed your friends to set you up on yet another blind date. You decided to go into this one positively. Maybe last time was an isolated incident. Not every guy could be like that, right?

This time, you found yourself in a difficult situation. You had liked him from the very beginning. He was handsome and charming and said all of the right things. But he clearly only wanted one thing from you. He was respectful and gentlemanly for the first month, sweeping your right off of your feet. However, after they had their first kiss, you saw a different side of him. Begging for explicit photos, sending unsolicited photos of his own, and becoming sex crazed in general. Suddenly, they couldn’t even meet up without doing something. Whether it was intense makeout sessions or touching, he was always coming onto you. You felt conflicted because you did in fact like him and was okay with it most of the time. However, he only spoke affectionately to you when they were in the act of doing things like that. He only said he loved you when he was inside of you, which you realized when you would try to say it during the day and be hit with “oh yeah, me too.” He only called you pretty when you were naked, only wanted you if you were pleasing him. After six months of this, there came a time when you said no. They were sitting on his couch and his hands began to wander, as they always did, when you stopped him. 

“Babe, I’m not really feeling it tonight. Can we just cuddle?” You pleaded with him, your voice soft but your hands firmly moving him away. 

“Yeah, sure.” He pretended to be okay with it, pulling you in and kissing the top of your head. A few minutes passed and he huffed, clearly upset. Less than ten minutes after that, his hands started wandering again. 

“Babe, please. I asked for just one night.” You pleaded again, scooting away from him. He groaned and rolled his eyes. 

“You’ve been totally leading me on all night though.” He whined, jutting his lip out. 

“No I haven’t.” you were confused, knitting your brows together as you looked at him. 

“Yeah you have. You wore that outfit you know I like and you keep kissing me.” 

“I didn’t wear this outfit with the intention of doing anything to you. I just think it's comfortable. And we can’t kiss without going any further?” You could see him getting frustrated with you, his attention everywhere but on you as you spoke. 

“I just think you’re so sexy, babe. Look, I already want you so bad.”  He points to the bulge growing in his pants at literally you just sitting there. “It hurts so bad, baby. Please.” He moved towards you again, slowly. When you tried to push him back again, he groaned and rolled his eyes. “I guess we can just break up then, huh? You clearly don’t like me anymore.” He pouted, standing up from the couch. Your heart dropped, fear making your muscles clench. 

“I-I never said I didn’t like you, I just…” You sighed. “I feel like this is all you want from me. Can you promise that you like me for more than just sex?” He nodded eagerly, quickly climbing on top of you. The second you touched him, he moaned “Ah, I love you so much.”

The next day, he broke up with you. He said he needed to focus on himself for a while, telling you that you would eventually find someone who loved you more than he could. Just like the last one, he ended up with a new girl shortly after. 

This time, you not only felt heartbroken but also used. You felt like you got nothing from that relationship other than a different way to view yourself. Is that all guys would want from you? 

Every single relationship you had in the next two years ended on the same note. Eventually, you realized that men only liked you while you were convenient. While you either gave them what they wanted or until someone they wanted more came along. You were never the first choice, never the only option. Because of this, anger grew in your heart. You had shed tears for men who didn’t even remember you or want you. You were determining your value based on if these terrible men wanted you. 

“No, never again.” you muttered to yourself as you drug yourself out of your bed. You wiped the remaining tears from your eyes and decided that from that moment forward, you would no longer subject yourself to this. You would show each and every one of those jerks that you were a force to be reckoned with. That you didn’t need them exactly the same way they didn’t need you. 

Present Day

“Mom, we’ve been over this. No blind dates, no setting me up, no giving out my number. You know how I feel about all of that stuff.” you were exasperated, the phone call with your mother going the direction it always did. 

“You’re already 25 and aren’t married. I’m worried about you.” your mother was kind and soft, just like you used to be. However, your mother didn’t have to worry about the troubles herr daughter went through in regards to dating. Your mother was skinny and beautiful and could have any man she had wanted. She chose her husband in middle school and they’ve been together ever since. 

“Nothing to worry about here. I’m successful, rich, and happy. What more could I need?” You took a sip of your wine, looking out the window of your apartment. 

“Love.” your mother whispered softly. 

“I have that already! I love you and dad, my dog, my friends!” 

“Yes, but you know a love between a man and woman is different than all of those. It’s beautiful and wonderful all at the same time.” 

“Mom, I think you’ve seen too many romance movies. Love like that doesn’t exist for girls like me. I already tried that in college. My priorities are elsewhere now.” You knew your mom came from a good place, but you were tired of explaining yourself. You were tired of feeling like you were weird for feeling this way. If only people knew what had made you this way. If only they felt the fear in your chest when you imagined trying to date again. You would rather be alone for the rest of your life than have to feel that way ever again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t new for you to meet celebrities in your line of work. Your company was a management company, primarily helping overseas artists who are touring in North America. They gave them additional support, set them up with translators, set up their catering, everything they would need to have a successful tour. And with the rise in K-Pop, you were meeting more and more Korean artists. BTS was among your favorites that you had met so far, their world wide fame clear simply from their charisma. 

You wouldn’t consider yourself a full blown kpop stan, but you enjoyed listening to their music. It was also a good outlet for you because they had to say that they loved and cherished you. That they wanted no one else but you. You didn’t need the attention of attainable men who were subpar when these gorgeous boys made you feel like you were everything. It was a perfect balance because they were just far enough out of reach that you would never get your hopes up. 

“Ma’m, our next music artist is here to meet with you.” Your assistant announced from the door. In confusion, you looked down at your schedule. Maybe you had forgotten. 

“Alright, let them in.” You remained composed and professional, even though you had swore you had no more meetings today. You sat up straight and pushed forward a smile, greeting the group as they walked in. Now, this was an adorable group of boys. You bet they were all extremely young. 

They all awkwardly took a seat, shuffling nervously around each other. 

“Let us introduce ourselves. 1,2, Step out! Hello, we are Stray Kids.” The leader spoke up. His dimples were cute. Even their intro was cute. you nodded, smiling. 

“It’s nice to meet you all. My name is y/f/n y/l/n. Can we go down the line and hear each of your names?” You always did this so that no one felt too uncomfortable or left out. So, they each introduced themselves. Bangchan, Felix, Han, LeeKnow, Seungmin, Changbin, Hyunjin, and I.N. Without much thought, you dove into the meeting. They discussed what the boys would like, need, and everything that would help them have a comfortable tour. The boys were polite, almost hesitant to ask for anything. You reminded them multiple times that their company was paying for our service, so they should make the best use of it. 

The meeting ended and you immediately got to work sending out emails for each of their requests to their respective departments. As you were typing away, you heard a few gentle taps on your door. “Yes, come in.” you called out, your eyes never leaving the computer. 

“Miss y/l/nt, one of the Stray Kids members wanted to mention something to you.” 

“Alright, let him in.” You figured it was the leader, Bangchan. He seemed very responsible and clearly cared very deeply about his group members. However, much to your surprise, it was not him. you glanced down at your notes, trying to remember where he had been sitting so you could recall his name. He cleared his throat as he took a seat in front of your desk. “You are… Seungmin?” you asked and your heart dropped when he laughed. 

“No, I’m Changbin. Sorry for bothering you, I just remembered something that I needed to bring up.” 

“I’m so sorry. Please go ahead. Whatever you need.” you were embarrassed now, your cheeks flaming red. 

“So, while we’re on tour, I’m going to need to be on a restricted meal plan.” your brows furrowed in confusion. He continued, “I need to lose some weight, so I have to go on a pretty strict diet.” 

“Why do you need to lose weight?” you looked at his figure, buff and healthy, and found yourself confused but also frustrated for some reason. 

“Oh, uh, I’m just kinda the biggest member in the group. And I don’t want our fans to be disappointed in how I look.” Without realizing, you stood up quickly. 

“Excuse me if I’m being too forward, but that’s ridiculous. You look strong and healthy, which I’m sure your fans would be extremely happy about.” you realized your emotions and slowly sat back down. “While I know that you are in control of what you do and how you live, I just think that you shouldn’t restrict yourself. You already know how stressful touring is on your body.” His eyes were wide with your sudden outburst. 

“You… You really think so?” He muttered, still shocked. 

“But uh that’s just my professional opinion. I would hate for you to pass out or fall ill because of something that could have been avoided.” you cleared your throat and shuffled through some papers. For the first time in four years, your heart was fluttering. Like it had back then. No, this was inappropriate right off the top. Not to mention not what you wanted. “I can, um, make sure that there are healthier options that will keep you on track without restricting yourself.” you began typing an email, desperately avoiding eye contact with him. You knew if you saw the way he looked at you, you would immediately blush. 

“I would really appreciate that. Thanks for being so helpful.” you glanced at him and the way he smiled made you want to melt into the floor. He quickly stood up and bowed. “I look forward to working with you.” And then left the room. You turned your back to the door and covered your now fully flushed face. What in the hell was that? Maybe because you haven't felt like this in four years, you felt it all at once. Yeah, it’s probably just because of that. 

“Thomas, are you messing with me right now?” your tone was stern, your brows furrowed as your grip tightened on the phone in your hand. 

“Unfortunately, no Ms. y/l/n. We’ve tried to find replacements, but are unable to hire anyone.” 

“Okay, what about interns? Anyone?”

“This isn’t the kind of thing we can trust an intern with. This is essentially the most important role, ma’m. And the tour officially starts tomorrow, so I’m worried things may start on the wrong foot if this position isn’t filled.” 

“Don’t they have management on their end?” 

“Yes, but they hired us so that those employees could stay in Seoul.” You thought for a moment, annoyed. They needed an artist manager, someone who would work personally with the boys to get them where they needed to go as well as ensure their safety. It’s what you had started out doing before starting this company yourself, seeing the need was great. “I apologize if this is speaking out of turn, ma’m, but I think you would be a great fit for this. The main issue is that we need someone fluent in Korean and you can fulfill that requirement.” you rolled your eyes. 

“I suppose you have a point there. Let me talk with the advisory board about it and see if the v.p would be willing to fill in while I’m gone. I’ll update you.” 

Everything went swimmingly, if you can imagine that. Everyone was more than okay with you stepping out for a few months, meaning things wouldn’t need to be as uptight (but they never told you that). That morning you met the boys at their hotel, explaining that you would be in charge of caring for them the entire U.S leg of the tour, stressing that they shouldn’t hesitate to ask for anything. Their comfort and happiness was the top priority. 

“I thought you were the company CEO, why are you doing a job like this?” The leader, Bangchan, asked as they were riding in the van to the venue. 

“I am the CEO. However, I’m also the only person who could fill this position on such short notice.” you answered politely, giving him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, I’m more than qualified. I did this for a while before starting the company.” He nodded, flashing you a smile before one of the boys called for his attention in the seat behind him. 

After arriving at the venue, you jumped into action. Directing the boys towards their green room, sending the crew where they needed to go, and checking in with venue staff to ensure that everything was going according to the email that had been sent to them. Once things were handled outside, you poked your head in to check on the guys. 

“Is everything okay for you guys? Do I need to run for anything?” 

“Oh, no, everything’s perfect. Thank you miss…?” Bangchan was obviously unsure of how to address you. 

“Just call me y/n! We’re going to be spending quite a bit of time together, so no need to be formal!” you bowed and left, going to double check that things were in place for the boys, like water bottles, towels, other things. You felt the thrill of frantically running around that you had missed. Spending years in the office had made you forget how exciting it was to be on the scene. Maybe you would do this more often. 

You walked back into the green room to check on things, as you were working down your list, when you had clearly walked in on a conversation. When they noticed you, they switched from English to Korean. And you could tell he was talking about you. It was Han? The one with the puffy cheeks. You were still learning their names. 

“I wonder if she even knows what she’s doing. Like, how can a CEO know anything about what it’s like to actually be there? I bet she’s super overwhelmed.” 

“Ah, you weren’t in my van earlier when I explained it to Bangchan. I’m more than qualified, as I did this for a few years when I was in college. But I appreciate you worrying, it makes me feel very cared for. I hope you’ll continue to care for me moving forward.” You responded back in perfect Korean, which resulted in both of them looking at you with wide terrified eyes. 

“I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you! I shouldn’t have been talking like that about you.” Han ended his sentence with a 90 degree bow and the other member (I.N?) also bowed. 

“Oh, don’t worry too much about it! I’m not offended at all!” You flashed them a smile and continued doing your work, successfully instilling the fear in them that would make them behave for you on this tour. 

As you continued about my work, fluttering from here to there, you accidentally walked into where apparently the weights were. Bangchan and Changbin were doing some pump up reps to make sure their muscles looked good. Your eyes instantly went to the shoulder muscles that were showing through Changbin’s shirt and you had to force yourself to turn away and look anywhere else. 

“Uh, just checking in boys. You’ve got about 20 minutes until the VIP soundcheck begins, do you need anything from me before then?” 

“Oh, actually, it would be amazing if you could bring us a few bottles of water? We forgot before we started.” Bangchan asked politely. You quickly reached into your backpack and pulled out two bottles. You turned around to set them on a bench and had to avert your eyes. 

“Let me know if you need anything else. I’ll be around.” You bowed and then quickly left the room. Good lord, that's dangerous. 

The show went amazingly, of course. As you watched from behind the stage, a bundle of towels in your arms, you found yourself enamored by their energy. You usually never cared much to pay attention during shows back when you were younger. But back then, you would usually find a cute roadie and flirt with him the entire time. A waste of time by your current standards. Also, why would you want to miss out on this? When they came back for their first outfit change, they were sweating so badly that they seemed so grateful for something as simple as a towel. After a quick change, a few makeup and hair touch ups, they were back out there for more. When the end of the show came, you found yourself getting emotional for some reason. It was almost like you could feel the sadness of their fans (which you learned are called Stay) at them leaving. Like this night they had been waiting so long for was now over and they weren’t sure when they would see them again. The boys, however, were exhausted. You could tell they gave absolutely everything they had for this show. There's no way they would be like that for every single show, right? 

Around five shows in, you found yourself feeling more and more comfortable with the boys. And clearly they started to feel comfortable around you as well, the younger ones affectionately referring to you as “Noona”. At the beginning, they were nervous to ask for anything. Now, you couldn’t get away from them. 

“Noona! Can you take us to a convenience store? I want some snacks.” 

“Noona, will we have time to sightsee?” 

“Noonaaaa, we’re in Seattle, we need to get Starbucks.” 

And you honestly didn’t mind it. They were adorable and it was your job to get them whatever they wanted. You found yourself getting closer to Felix and Hyunjin, two people you didn’t expect to get close to in the beginning. Felix obviously warmed up to you pretty quick, as he was just so talkative and sweet from the start. You found yourself talking with Hyunjin about things like fashion and art when the two of them were together. 

There was only one problem- you sensed that someone was growing a crush on you. That someone, of course, was Changbin. And you already were against dating/marriage, but you also knew engaging romantically with a client was extremely inappropriate. And it took everything in you to shove these feelings deep down. Of course, he was cute. And kind. And a great person to talk with. And good lord he was hot. He also had this habit of subtly complimenting you that drove you absolutely crazy. “Noona, your hair looks nice today.” “It’s sweet how attentive you are to us.” “Noona, that eyeshadow suits you really well.” 

They were coming up on the end of the tour when you found yourself alone on the roof with Changbin, stargazing in silence. Silence wasn’t uncomfortable with him. 

“We probably won’t see you after next week, huh?” He suddenly asked out of nowhere. 

“Uh, yeah, it’s not likely. Unless we can't find someone when you guys come again.” You felt nervous as the air shifted between the two of you. He obviously had something he wanted to say and you had a feeling it was something you didn’t want to hear.

“Can I confess something to you?” 

“You probably shouldn’t.” You were trying your best to remain logical and level headed as you always had been. 

“You don’t want me to?” 

“It’s not that, but I don’t want you to get in trouble.” 

“I won’t get in trouble.” 

“Alright, fine. What would you like to confess?” You asked and your heart was pounding. You didn’t want to have to turn him down. To reject his confession of love. But you couldn’t let yourself fall into this trap again. While he seemed sweet now, there was lots of time for him to become like the others. Maybe he only feels this way because you're conveniently in front of him. 

“I… uh, I think I have feelings for you. I don’t even know why I’m confessing this to you, but I can’t go on pretending that I feel differently.” He looked at you expectantly. You took a deep breath, and looked out at the skyline. 

“Changbin, I uh, I’m sorry but, um, I don’t really want to date or get married or anything like that.” Your hands were trembling. You were scared of how he would react, if he would hate you now. You actually cared how he felt. 

“Can I ask why you feel that way?” He asked softly, looking over at you. Tears pricked at your eyes. No one has ever asked why. No one cared enough to wonder. 

“Um, I just have a bad past with dating. I’ve never been anyone’s first option. I had my heart broken alot and this is a way to protect myself. If I close the door completely, no one can come in and hurt me.” It was silent again, the only noise coming from the traffic on the street far below. 

“So… I just have to prove that you’re my first choice and that I want you for you?” A tear slipped down your cheek. How did he guess that second part? 

“I mean, you can try. I’ll allow that. But, it’s going to be a lot of work. I’m kinda messed up.” You admitted, swiping the tears away from your face. He nodded slowly from where he was. At this point, the men from the past would have scooted over and put their arm around you. Changbin stayed where he was and watched you carefully. 

“I think you’re worth it. And I haven’t even known you that long. I can’t imagine how much more I’ll think that the more I know you… But let's start as friends first, yeah? I won’t push you into anything.” Your head was spinning. How was a man this considerate? He had to be faking. There's no way this could be real. 

“Sure, let's do the friend thing first.” 

So, the two of you exchanged numbers. Once the tour ended, he kept texting you. You kept waiting for the day he would come on to you. Waiting for an unsolicited dick pic. Waiting for the “i can’t wait any longer”. But it never came. Changbin seemed more than content simply being friends. Every time you found yourself beginning to let your walls down a bit, the men of the past would flash into your mind. They said all the right things, made all the right choices. You were still hesitant about Changbin. Did he have some sort of ulterior motive? 

“Aren’t you sick of this?” You asked him one day on the phone. 

“Sick of what?” He responded, sounding confused. 

“Sick of me making you stay my friend. You probably already have feelings for someone else by now.” 

“No I don't.” He retorted quickly. “And I enjoy being your friend. If that’s what I have to do to be by your side, then that’s fine. I’ll be your friend forever if I have to.” You felt your eyes water.

“Why do you always say stuff like that? Are you trying to bring my guard down?” 

“I’m not trying to do anything, Noona. I only wish you could trust me.”

“I do trust you. I just don’t want you to expect anything from me romantically.” 

“You know that I don’t. I told you I’m more than happy being your friend.”

Months went on and you kept getting to know each other. You were waiting for the other shoe to drop at any moment for the first little while. However, you slowly realized how pure his intentions were. He never once crossed the line, never even tiptoed near it. He truly genuinely cared for you. And while he never crossed the line, he made it clear that he only had eyes for you. He said so many times that he was more than okay with playing the long game. Slowly trying to win your heart. If he didn’t get to love you, he wouldn’t get to love anyone else. 

One night, you were extra tipsy from a few too many glasses of wine and decided to give him a call. 

“Hey, Seo Changbin! How dare you make me like you! You came into my office that first day so handsome and kind and whatever. You wrapped me around your finger from the very beginning and that was so fucking rude of you.” You slurred over the phone. He quietly listened, chuckling to himself here and there. 

“Noona, did you have too much to drink?” 

“Maybe, but whatever! It’s none of your business!”

“Okay, then for your sake, I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear any of that and hang up okay? Make sure to drink some water please.” He was firm but reassuring. God he was so hot. 

“Changbin, do you still like me?” you asked quietly after a moment. 

“Yes, very much.” He replied almost instantly. 

“But I’ve made you wait so long…” It had been a year at this point since his confession. 

“It hasn’t been too bad, don’t worry.” He assured you and you could practically hear his smile. “I’ve gotta get back to work, but I’ll check in on you later okay?” His voice had dropped a little bit and you felt your heart thump even harder. 

“Um yeah, sure.” You couldn’t even think about what he said, the way he said it had the biggest effect on your drunk brain. When he hung up, you almost immediately fell asleep.

Changbin had become one of your closest friends at this point. You confided in him, laughed with him. But you wouldn’t let yourself feel anything romantic for him. You couldn’t. Even though they had known each other for two years at this point, you were scared he would suddenly change. 

The boys had come to LA for KCon (you only knew because you played a large role in the planning of the event) and asked to meet up with you for dinner. You obviously agreed, as you cherished them deeply. They had rented out a space for them to go out to and were already there when you arrived. They greeted you happily, running over to hug you. You smiled, happy to see them again and complimenting them on their most recent work. You took the open seat at the table, between Seungmin and Felix but was also across from Changbin. 

You ordered some pasta, not caring what they thought. Back when you were younger, you would have opted for a salad or something healthy looking so as to not look like someone who wasn’t minding your figure. However, now, you gave no fucks. You weren't trying to impress any of them in that way and you were hungry so you were going to eat. 

“You seem like you’ve been pretty busy since we last saw you.” Chan comments as we wait for the food. 

“Yeah, we’re doing a lot for KCon on top of other small artists doing tours. Thankfully I don’t have to do all the work.” You joked, chuckling. “But yeah, I’ve kept pretty busy. Not too busy to keep up with you guys, though. Just when I think you guys have reached your peak, you somehow go even higher. I’m very impressed and proud.” 

“Ah, Noona! You’re making me blush!” Felix shouted out from across the table, covering his cheeks. The food came to the table not long after that, so the conversation jumped around. you ended up sitting back and listening as they talked, enjoying your meal and the company. However, as you glanced in front of you, Changbin was observing you with a small smile on his face. 

“You ok?” He mouthed to you, his gaze soft and kind. You nodded and smiled. He winked and nodded before looking away. You could feel your cheeks begin to flush. But then your chest started to tighten. At the end of the night, they went to go their separate ways, a slightly tipsy Felix clinging onto you and whining about how he missed you already. 

“Aw, our little Felix is such a cute drunk.” you cooed at him, smiling sweetly. His smile widened even further as he nuzzled into you and hummed. You walked him to their car, where he slowly let go of you, pretending to cry as he climbed into the vehicle. “I’ll text you, Lixie.” You promised from outside, which made him smile again. Changbin hung back, clearly waiting for his turn to have your full attention. 

“Can you make some time for me tonight?” you asked him, wandering over towards him. He smiled and nodded, waving to the guys as they left. 

When you both got to your place, you knew it was time. You couldn’t deny the way you felt for him and he had waited so patiently until now. They were sitting on the couch and talking when you turned towards him and took a deep breath. 

“Changbin, I have something to say.” You announced, unable to look at him. 

“Oh, uh okay. Go for it.” He shifted nervously, eyes watching you intently. 

“Firstly, I just wanted to thank you for being so amazing to me this past almost two years. I really appreciate having you by my side as a friend.” You looked up at him to gauge how he was reacting. He was watching you, his brows knit together in concentration. You decided to continue.”I think… It’s time that I acknowledged my real feelings…” You paused for a second and took a deep breath. “I like you. So much. Like, everything you do drives me crazy and I want you so badly that I can’t even be afraid anymore.” Once you finished talking, the air was quiet between the two of you. You looked at him after a minute, afraid of what his reaction would be. Relief flooded over you when you saw his head turned to the side, a wide smile on his face and flushed cheeks. 

“Uh, is that how you really feel? You’re not just saying that for me?” You could tell he was trying to keep his composure, now wanting to spook you with his excitement.

“Yes, it’s how I feel.” You muttered, your fingers still trembling. 

“It makes me so happy to hear that. Like, I could die right now after hearing you say that. That was the cutest confession I’ve ever seen in my life.” He started gushing, unable to hold back. He quickly caught himself and cleared his throat. “Um, but I’ll do whatever you want. Like, if you wanna stay friends, that would be fine. If you want to date, I’m also very okay with that.” You laughed, feeling so safe in his vulnerability. 

“I want to try dating you, Changbin. I haven’t dated in a long time, but I want to give it my best shot.” He turned his back from you and squealed. Actually squealed. Like, kicked his feet and giggled. 

“Can I hold your hand?” He asked once he turned back around. You could tell that even though he was excited, he was conscious of your history with guys and wanted to be respectful. Without realizing it, you closed the space between them and kissed him gently, your hand softly on the back of his neck in an effort to pull him closer. When you pulled away, his eyes were wide. 

“Does that answer your question?” You teased, smirking. He immediately pulled you onto his lap and looked up at you lovingly. 

“Tell me when you’re uncomfortable. I’ll stop immediately.” He stated firmly, one hand rubbing small circles on your back. you nodded and cupped his face in your hands. “You are so worth it. Even if I had to wait five, ten, twenty more years. Getting to hold you like this and know that you feel safe with me makes it all worth it.” He whispered, smiling happily. You kissed his forehead, then each of his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, and then his lips again. 

“How are you so perfect?” You whispered, resting your forehead against his. 

“I’m not. I just… love you so much.” He obviously felt awkward admitting it this soon. You had figured as much, since there was no way he could still like you at this point and not love you. 

“I love you too, Bin.” You confessed softly, your eyes closed. There was silence between the two of you for a moment, the only sound to be heard coming from their breathing. 

“Like I said, tell me when you want to stop.” He breathed, his eyes connecting with yours. Your lips met his and the hunger kicked in for the both of you immediately. 

His lips traveled down your neck, stopping every now and then to suck on one spot softly before moving on. You took this opportunity to feel him up like you had dreamed of. His shoulders, his biceps, his chest (oh my god). His hands roamed as well, gently caressing you as his kisses slowly followed the neckline of your top. In a swift movement, you removed your top. His jaw was slacked as he took you in and had come to the discovery that you weren't wearing a bra this entire time. “Baby, what did I do to deserve you?” He muttered, his eyes locking with yours. you smiled and leaned in to kiss him, guiding his hands onto your breasts. He groaned into your mouth, gently squeezing each one. You slid your hands under his shirt, desperate to make contact with his skin. He smirked and pulled his shirt off. His figure was so gorgeous you couldn’t help but gasp. 

“Don’t ever show this to Stay.” You mumbled, your hands grazing across his chest. He laughed and nodded. 

“It’s all yours.” You couldn’t help but smile, even though you were so vulnerable, you felt safe. As the two of you continued to kiss, your hips had ideas of their own, grinding against his growing bulge. The way he whimpered against your lips only encouraged you to keep going. You had never been able to imagine him sounding like that in your wildest fantasies. 

His hands slowly slid down your body and lovingly grazed across your thigh towards your core. He smiled when he felt your soaked panties, to which you bit your lip and blushed. “Such a good girl, already wet for me.” His voice was husky with lust. Combined with his already flushed cheeks and slightly swollen lips, you couldn’t handle how sexy he was. “You still okay?” He asked, his fingers resting tantalizingly close, just on your inner thigh. He made a point to make eye contact, patiently waiting for your answer. You nodded, caressing the back of his head softly. A question of how long this consideration would last wandered into your mind, but you cast it aside. If it was only temporary, you would deal with it later. But for now, there was no one else in the world but Seo Changbin. 

He slid your panties to the side, his fingers sliding along your slit to make contact with your core. He hummed happily, his head resting in the crook of your neck. He gently pulled away and laid you down, his hand resting behind your head as you laid down. 

“I’ve dreamed about tasting you for so long.” He seemed to be muttering to himself as he pulled your skirt off and removed your panties with it. You spread your legs wide for him, your heart pounding with excitement. “Ah, so pretty.” He whispered as he rubbed your thigh gently. You could feel your hips shift, desperate for his touch. He dove in face first, his tongue instantly getting to work. Your hands flew into his hair as you moaned. His tongue expertly flicked in and out of you, going faster than you could have ever imagined. You would forever view his rapping differently after tonight. His thumb made lazy circles around your clit as he lapped up every drop of you. Far too quickly, you felt that familiar knot tighten in your stomach. 

“B-Bin… I’m gonna…” You were embarrassed, as you were sure he was expecting more from you. 

“Cum for me whenever you’re ready baby.” He responded, kissing your clit gently a few times before sliding one finger inside of you. That was enough to push you over the edge, your legs wrapping around his head, your back arching, the most lewd sounds you had ever experienced coming from your mouth. When you finally rode out your high and released his head, he sat back for a moment, wiping the slick from his face. You instantly covered your face in embarrassment, your cheeks red not only from your orgasm. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked, softly. He kissed your knee softly and rubbed small circles on your thigh. 

“I’ve never done that before, so I didn’t think I would finish that fast.” You admitted, your face still covered. 

“Wait… No one’s ever given you head before?” He asked, shocked. You nodded and slowly uncovered your face. 

“Me finishing wasn’t the most important thing for the only other guy I’ve been with.” You explained, suddenly feeling shy at your inexperience. 

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” His eyes were sad as he placed reassuring kisses on your thigh. “That’s not how it’s supposed to be.” He explained, shaking his head. “In fact, you finishing many times is my goal.” he crawled up over your body until he was basically on top of you. He kissed your lips, gently at first. 

“But what about you?” you pulled back and asked, softly. 

“It’ll happen eventually, but I’m not worried about it. I want you to feel the best I can make you feel.” He kissed you again, hands gently rubbing your sides. “But before that can even happen, I gotta stretch you a bit.” His hand slid down your body and the rest of him followed, slowly inserting one finger inside your now needy core. “Oh my god, you’re so tight.” He hissed through gritted teeth. He slowly started thrusting, setting a steady pace for himself. Soon, it was two fingers, then three. 

“Want you… So bad…” you moaned, arching your back with your eyes closed. 

“Yeah? What do you want? Tell me. Use your words.” You looked at him in surprise. This cocky attitude was unexpected but so welcome. 

“W-want… ugh… want your cock in me.” you groaned, his fingers fucking your faster and faster while you begged for him. “Please, Bin.” you whined, reaching for him. He instantly folded, taking off his pants and underwear faster than you thought was possible. 

“Well, when you ask so nicely, I guess I have to.” He groans, dragging his tip against your slit. He lined himself up with your entrance and you glanced down in time to see how big he was. You worried for a second that you weren't stretched enough, but you were determined to take every bit of him with no fuss. “Are you ready?” He looked at you for confirmation, his breathing heavy but clearly still very much in control. You nodded, biting your lip in anticipation. He inserted his tip and groaned. Slowly, he slid himself in, making sure to take time to allow you to stretch around him. Meanwhile, he was kissing your neck softly and whispering encouraging words in your ear in between his own groans and whimpers. “You take my cock so well baby. Like you’re made for me.” “Almost there, princess. You’re doing so good. Being such a good girl for me.” He finally made it all the way in, your hips meeting. You felt so full of him but in the best way possible. He stayed still for a minute, allowing you to stretch around him and adjust to his size. You bucked your hips, wanting him more and more with every moment. “Be patient, beautiful. I’m gonna take real good care of you, don’t worry.” He cooed, kissing your gently on the lips. So, this is what it was like to make love, you thought to yourself. This is what it means to not be used for your body. You were ripped out of those thoughts by his shallow thrusts, the grunts coming from his mouth sending you over the moon. With every thrust, he pulled out a little more, setting a slow but comfortable pace. You wrapped your legs around him and your arms around his neck. you wanted him closer than close. You made out with him in the sloppiest way you had ever encountered, moaning into eachothers mouths while swimming in pleasure. Without realizing, you started to clench around him. This must have been something he liked, because his controlled pace started to get sloppy and you felt his cock twitch with every clench. “I-if you keep doing that, I’m gonna lose control.” He groaned through gritted teeth. “I won’t be able to stop.” His pace was quickening, arms on either side of your head to stabilize himself. 

“Please don’t stop.” you whimpered, the idea of him stopping right now being too much. You suddenly saw his eyes shift, where they were once calm and clear, they were now dark and lustful. Almost primal. He wrapped you in his arms and held you up while he pounded into your, hips snapping into yours with every thrust. You mewled as he hit your g-spot repeatedly, as if he knew exactly where it was. You felt the knot forming in your stomach, getting close again. Without much warning, you came around him, your grip tightening on his hair at the back of his head. He didn’t slow down however, still pounding into your faster and faster, growls coming from his mouth. You felt him twitch as you saw him get closer and closer. “Cum for me baby.” you groaned, kissing and biting his neck, hands roaming around his chest, torso, shoulders, back. With a loud groan, he finished, painting the inside of you in spurts. He looked at you with wide eyes as he cummed. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to finish in you.” He tried to pull himself out, but you wrapped your legs around him and kept him in place as he finished. 

“I honestly don’t even care.” you sighed, feeling full of him. He slowly pulled himself out, rubbing your thighs lovingly. 

“You did so well, baby. So so well.” He praised, kissing your thighs with a smile. He went to the bathroom to clean himself up and came back with a towel to clean you up as well. You reached to take the towel from him, but he shook his head. “This is my job.” which you also found confusing. Your ex just threw a towel at you, which you thought was standard. He slowly and gently cleaned you up, careful of how sore you were already. “There you go my love. Oh, don’t forget to use the bathroom too so you don’t get an infection.” He reminded, a soft smile on his face. You nodded and got up, hobbling over to the bathroom. As you sat on the toilet, you felt your cheeks flush. That wasn’t the direction you had imagined things going tonight, but you couldn’t be happier. 

As you climbed back into bed, you expected Changbin to roll over and go to sleep. So, you did the same. 

“Are you upset?” He asked softly, reaching out for you. 

“No, I just figured you were tired.” You commented, rolling over to look at him. 

“I’ll never be too tired to hold you.” He says matter of factly, pulling you in closer. “If I ever meet whoever your ex is, I’m gonna have to kick his ass.” He mumbles, kissing your hair. 

“Wait, why?” you chuckled, pulling back to look at him. 

“He clearly wasn’t very good to you. And he made you think all of that was normal.” He frowns. “I understand why you wouldn’t want to be with any guy ever again if you thought they were all like that.” You felt yourself melt a bit at his words. He spoke so matter of factly about feelings you had never disclosed to anyone, him included. As you laid together, he peppered your face with small kisses, whispering sweet things to you. You felt so comfortable, so safe. You started to drift off, your eyes feeling heavy. You woke up to the lights off and a cozy Changbin in front of you. His eyes were closed, but a small smile rested on his face. You decided to let yourself fall back asleep in his arms. 

When you woke up the next morning in an empty bed, your heart instantly began racing. Was he disappointed in your performance? Did the post nut clarity hit in the morning? You looked around and saw no traces of him. You thought maybe you had dreamed it all, but upon looking in the mirror, you knew that wasn’t true. Your neck was covered in hickies and your lips were still a little swollen. You wanted to be upset, but you couldn’t be. You decided to just throw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt before heading out to make yourself breakfast. However, as you walked into the kitchen, you were shocked to hear someone already there. You slowly poked your head in and felt your eyes widen at the sight of a shirtless Changbin cooking your breakfast. 

“Um, hi?” you rasped, your voice scratchy from sleep. He turned and smiled. 

“You’re awake! I’m trying to make you some breakfast.” you walked over and saw the scrambled eggs that he was so lovingly making were slightly overcooked, a little brown in some spots. However, that happened to be exactly how you liked them. “Sorry, I know I’m not a great cook.” He rested his head on your shoulder as you turned the heat off and moved the pan to the cool burner. 

“What do you mean? You cooked these perfectly.” you smiled and patted his cheek. “I make them like this on purpose.” He hugged you tightly from behind, giggling. 

“Wow, we must really be meant for eachother then, huh?” He kissed your cheek over and over, making your smile even wider. You felt tears prick the back of your eyes but tried to hold them back. However, Changbin was as observant as ever. He turned you around and held your face in his hands, brows furrowed in concern. “What’s going on, honey?” His voice was soft, his thumbs grazing your cheeks softly. 

“I just thought you had left, so I’m happy you’re youre.” you smiled softly at him as you spoke. He frowned. 

“I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. You’re officially stuck with me now, Noona.” He kissed your forehead gently and then flashed you a wide smile. “Let’s eat before it gets cold, yeah?” He gently guided you over to the food, where they both made a plate and sat down at your table. While they were eating, his phone started buzzing from the counter. He attempted to ignore it, saying it probably wasn’t important. 

“I bet it’s Channie-hyung. You should go answer it.” You took a bite of your food as you watched him walk over, giving you a wide eyed look when he saw you was right. 

“Give me a minute.” He whispered and stepped into the hallway to answer. Part of you wanted to eavesdrop, but you decided to focus on eating . He came back a few minutes later and sighed. “I have to leave here soon. We have a soundcheck in like 20 minutes.” Your eyes widened, as the venue was at least 10 from your house. 

“Shit, then we need to go right now.” You stood up, abandoning your food and running to find your shoes. 

“No, it’s okay! I’ll just get a driver to come get me.” 

“It’s fine, I can just drop you off.” You were already putting your shoes on and grabbing your keys. 

“But I don’t want-” He stopped himself, looking down. 

“Anyone to see me?” you stopped and realized this was the other shoe dropping. 

“Not for any reason you’re thinking. I just don’t want you to get hurt because you’re seen with me.” You handed him his shirt, which you had grabbed from the room, and nodded. 

“It’s all good. I understand.” Did you completely mean it? You weren't entirely sure, but you decided to be cool about it rather than making him feel bad. You knew you had issues that you needed to work on too, he didn’t need to deal with all of it. 

“You sure?” He seemed confused, trying to search for all of his stuff while also talking with you. You walked over to him and hugged him from behind. 

“Yes, I’m sure. Now, get outta here. You’ve got work to do.” You kissed his shoulder. “But I’ll see you later.” He turned his head in surprise. 

“You’ll be there tonight?” He asked with a wide smile. 

“Yeah! Perks of having my team basically handling all of the artists is I can get myself very good seats. You’ll be able to see me, no problem.” You giggled at his reaction, which was him quickly turning around with eyebrows raised and an amused smile on his face. “And I have a very cute outfit planned.” You added, which only made him smile more. 

“Can you come say hi to us before the show? The boys would love to see you.” He asks happily, clearly excited at this new development. 

“I’ll see if I can sneak my way in.” You wink, laughing. He gave you a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door to meet his driver. 

You put on your outfit: a black crop top with a hot pink harness, a black leather mini skirt, and some black knee high platform boots. You did some hella cute makeup and did your hair, making sure to wear your Stray Kids headband you had ordered, since everyone needed to know who you were there for. Once you were ready, you made your way to the venue, all access badge around your neck. You wandered into the back, stopping one of your staff members to ask them where Stray Kids' green room was. Once you got there, you knocked on the door three times before opening the door. You were greeted by a chorus of “NOONA!!”s, which made your heart very happy. Felix ran over and hugged you tight. 

“Noona, you look so pretty! I didn’t know you were coming!” He was so excited to see you, his smile was so wide. You sat down with Han, pestering him as he was trying to play a game on his phone. Only Felix, Han, I.N, and Seungmin were in the room at the moment. After Han finally gave up, you decided to chat with Seungmin. They were all sat on one couch, chatting about this and that. Seungmin saw your headband and decided to tease you about it, saying “You must really like us, Noona.” to which you agreed. 

“Where's the rest of your group?” You asked, confused. 

“Oh, they’re still getting ready. Hair, makeup, outfit. All that fun stuff.” Han informed, once again distracted by something on his phone. After sitting and hanging out, the other boys finally came back. 

“Bestie! You’re here!” Hyunjin exclaimed excitedly running over and hugging you. 

“You look so pretty.” You gushed, looking at his outfit. He laughed and nodded. 

“You do too. I guess we’re two pretty best friends.” He joked and then both of you cringed while laughing. 

“Ah, our y/n is here.” Leeknow commented as he walked in, a small smile resting on his face. You greeted him happily, to which he gave you a small bow and then found a spot to relax before their performance. Next was Bangchan, who was happy to see you and gave you a hug. 

“Changbinnie will be here soon.” He teased, winking at you. You felt your cheeks flush and tried to laugh it off. You couldn’t bring yourself to make eye contact with anyone, suddenly taking an interest in their fridge. 

“Old habits die hard.” You joked, straightening all the labels and pulling things forward in an effort to hide how nervous you are. Thankfully, the others didn’t seem to pick up on it, even though Chan kept trying to tease you. Changbin entered the room and instantly came over and wrapped you in his arms. 

“My baby is here!” He cheered, loud enough for everyone to hear. Your face flushed and you looked at him with wide eyes. “What?” He asked, confused with your reaction. You nodded your head towards the boys, who were looking at the two of you with intrigued expressions. “Oh, right.” He nodded and then turned towards them. “y/n and I are dating now.” He informed them, smiling widely. You didn’t think your face could feel any hotter, your hands coming up to shield yourself from the embarrassment. 

“Ah, so that’s where you were last night, Seo Changbin!” Leeknow pretended to scold, a mischievous smile on his face. You were so embarrassed, the boys laughing and heckling the two of you, that you were extremely relieved to see one of your staff members enter. 

“Miss y/n, I was asked to escort you to your seat so the artists can get ready for the show.” You nodded, jumping at the opportunity to leave the room. Changbin stopped you, pouting. His lip was jutted out as he pointed to his cheek. 

“Kiss please. For luck.” You could feel everyone's eyes on you, the embarrassment becoming almost too much. You rolled your eyes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, which made the boys all scream. You quickly headed towards the door, turning once to give a weak 

“Stray Kids, fighting!” before rushing out the door. 

The entire show was great, the boys all making a point to come over and wave at you at one point or another. Changbin was extra, of course, blowing kisses to you every chance he had. The girls behind you were losing their minds, thinking it was for them. You smiled, happy that they were happy. But you also felt smug, knowing that you had him wrapped around your finger. You were excited for what the future would hold with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thanks for reading! hope you love it!

#stray kids fluff #skz fluff #stray kids smut #skz smut #bang chan #skz bang chan #changbin fluff #changbin #skz changbin #skz changbin x reader #skz hyunjin #skz han #skz jisung #skz leeknow #lee minho stray kids #lee know #seungmin #skz seungmin #lee felix #skz felix #lee yongbok #skz i.n #skz jeongin #stray kids x reader #skz fic #stray kids #stray kids everywhere all around the world #seo changbin is my bias #hang hyunjin is my bias #hwang hyunjin

[cool-jpgs-of-wizards-with-swords]

I think a lot of my trauma comes down to the time in middle school I accidentally destroyed a classmates sweater by pulling a loose string

I ran away, because I was scared of being told off, and having to tell my parents that we'd have to pay for it later, so I sat by myself on the playground out front after the break was over

After a while, three kids run up to me, my best friend and two others

And I got ready to say something when I heard one of them shout "you're fucking dead" before the other who wasn't my best friend grabbed me by the head and smashed my face against his knee

I don't remember how I got away from them, I was the slowest runner in class, but I managed to hide again, this time somewhere clever, where they couldn't find me, and I sat there with my nose bleeding hearing them call for me while searching the school

I only came out because I didn't want my teacher to get in trouble, I think. I don't actually remember why I left that spot

I remember those two, not including my best friend, dry humping after one of their birthday parties, laying next to them, hearing them insist over and over that they're not gay

Idk if I'm gonna post this or not as I write it so if it gets even more rambly from here. Whatever

I remember one kid trying to push me off a staircase when I was in a wheelchair temporarily

I remember actually getting shoved down those stairs when I wasn't dealing with a broken bone, and landing with a roll I learned in martial arts class

I don't think I ever became a pushover, and I managed to make a lot of bullies also be my friends

Maybe my whole kink for fighting goes back to how that was something I was good at and earned me respect, idk. Rivals to lovers as wish fulfilment

I dunno. I guess we stood in the shower for a while and just thought about our life for a bit

How much I like my life now, even with how dysfunctional I am, that maybe this being as comfortable as it is for me is a huge hindrance to me getting better

I don't have a lot of friends who live nearby, but I get to live with someone I wanna spend my life with, and have been given the opportunity to repair some of the relationships I've most regretted losing

No-one from that school, though.

The last thing I heard from any of them was one of them telling me that the class reunion didn't feel right. I didn't go, and the thing I heard was that "it just wasn't the same without you."

My betrothed just joined me in bed and I immediately lost my focus on writing this

That's prolly a good sign <3

[thegeminisage]

oh boy IT'S tng update time. last night* we watched "imaginary friend" and "i, borg."

*tonight. it's 1am. whatever. it's posting tomorrow when i'll be awake but busy. anyway im gonna have to start splitting these up so tumblr will stop FUCKING me re my character count

imaginary friend:

what i like about this episode and indeed tng as a whole is that the little girl was fucking adorable. tng fans, your show has at least one point of validity. whenever there was a child on tos i wanted to throw them out of the airlock because they acted possessed. all the children on tng inspire within me motherly concern.

HOWEVER. THERE SHOULD NOT BE. CHILDREN ON A STARSHIP.

we've gone over this at length. we don't need to do it again. i am sick to death of hearing myself talk about it. i want to stop. and yet. every. and i mean EVERY. SINGLE. PROBLEM. in this episode. happened because there were children on a starship.

problem #1: child is making up a fake imaginary friend instead of making real ones = it's because her dad hops from starship to starship

problem #2 her imaginary friend is real now and wants to drown her in the pool like in that one episode of s*pernatural = this is because an alien, from space, read her mind, which it could not have done if she wasn't in space on a starship

problem #3: the alien HATES the grownups and thinks they should die = because she is seeing the ship from a child's pov, because there are children on this starship

and on and on and on.

aside from this huge and ongoing point of contention it was solidly watchable. i liked the little girl. i like guinan. i like worf being a big old softie when he found them out of bounds. i like people not undermining deanna's counseling work. i liked the horrifically unsettling imaginary friend with laser eyes who definitely absolutely inspired 2.11 playthings.

can anyone tell me if the other star trek shows just let them have kids on the ships? ds9 i get because that's a space station but are there kids on the ship in enterprise? voyager? discovery? genuinely please write in i can't take living like this

i, borg:

ooooooh. ooh i am twirling my hair and kicking my feet and giggling about it. OHHH finally we get a good tng episode. and not just a good episode a GREAT episode. the liz community has forgiven tng. oh baby where do i even begin

okay, firstly, beverly. she so instantly sees someone injured and HAS to help, i mean HAS to, it's so good. it's very bonescore in a way that doesn't feel like they're trying to make her a cheap bones knockoff but rather a spiritual successor. he would have also helped his enemy rather than watching him die. hell, he DID do that and got quite literally mind-raped for his trouble, and he'd probably do it again. i was really really lukewarm on poor bev at first but she's come into her own so well and i'm proud of her

the borg himself - third of five, aw, just like seven of nine - but no, hugh - the name is dumb but whatever i'm glad he has one - was well-cast. it would have been easy to make him uncanny and an unpleasant presence onscreen (this was my biggest issue with data's daughter even though the ep DID make me cry, deeply sorry to data whomst i love the most). his "you will be assimilated resistance is futile" song and dance was actually really funny when played off of geordi's wry indifference. "ok, but before we get assimilated, can we please finish x test?" so true king

geordi's a natural choice to pair with this guy because when he's not being the creepiest person on earth to holodeck girls he's sociable, outgoing, and patient. PLUS he has experience befriending machines because of data. hugh actually reminded me of data in some ways because of his general lack of understanding re: humanity but - and this is critical to me - HE IS HUMAN

like, i feel like the episode didn't quite nail the point home hard enough possibly because they were afraid of the implications but the cold hard truth of the matter is that each and every person on the borg cube IS A PERSON. they have been assimilated, but we've twice now seen that it's possible to unassimilate them with only a few days of effort. picard (and guinan!) consider the entire collective their enemy but the collective is comprised of brainwashed prisoners. those fucked up little borg babies they found in the cube were assimilated as INFANTS - i assume they weren't born on the cube bc if the borg could reproduce on its own it wouldn't need to assimilate - but even if they were born on the cube, they had no choice but to be this. you know.

which is whyyyy it's so fucked picard was like yeah give hugh some digital poison let him carry it back to his cube and we'll kill them like ants <3 like, oh my god his lingering borg trauma or whatever. MWAH. when he told deanna he didn't wanna talk. when he and guinan had to trauma-bond while fencing. when he told geordi that he needed to unattach himself because it was nothing more than animal experimentation. STONE FUCKING COLD BY THE WAY. he is fighting in the war on animal experimentation on the side of animal experimentation. he was going to let his cre heal and feed that kid and then send him back laced with poison. diabolical <3

and, of course, when he didn't want to speak or associate that borg kid at all because that's who he used to be AND WHO HE STILL IS in some corner of his brain (!!!)

LIKE. WHEN HE WAS FINALLY CONVINCED TO INTERROGATE THIS KID. and IMMEDIATELY broke out the locutus voice. he still remembered all the protocol! the way of speaking! everything! i was so shocked and thrilled.

i love also how everyone who spoke to hugh came away extremely unsettled but also totally convinced of his humanity. even guinan, which was so fun, because she was even more anti-borg than picard at first and they were bonding over trauma and fantasy racism. that bit where hugh, who had only known about the concept of loneliness for like an hour, immediately pegged her as lonely after like three lines of dialogue. oh my GOD???

i was decently satisfied with the ending - obviously they couldn't send him back with poison nor could they protect him from the borg, but i wish they had informed him of the inevitable memory wipe before he made his choice. (a selfless choice! he loves geordi!!) still i think he mostly walked into it with eyes open. very sad but very proud of him.

my one tiny nitpick with this episode is that for all beverly's genuine and justified concern about hugh, i don't think theyre ever gonna address the fact that she shot and possibly killed some of the borg in the episode where picard got assimilated. i feel like after realizing they are all people, like hugh, she should also realize she's broken the hippocratic oath, and have a little crisis about it. i have no idea why we had the DOCTOR shooting and killing anybody but let alone if we aren't gonna get into that. i don't think anyone cares/cared except me though.

but tbh, for me this is one of the main draws of the borg. they're ALL brainwashed cyber-assassins and they're ALL prisoners and in theory ALL of them could be saved if only they would stop attacking first. sure, yeah, in fights you gotta do what you gotta do because your own life has gotta come first, but the unique scifi horror aspect of all of those guys being perfectly innocent people fucks and they should utilize it a little more!!!

NEXT TIME: "the next phase" and "the inner light."

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb

[phantomrose96]

Chrissy help how do you keep motivation for such huge writing projects?? I've seen you posting about abot for a long time but I just clicked it and it's got like 360k words. My guy you are incredible and if you've got secrets to share I'd be very interested. Major props to you

(ABoT)

I'm hoping to resurrect Dickinsonian-era "paid by the word" writing gigs and retire off ABoT Kidding! kidding! I make 0 dollars and 0 cents off ABoT do not sue me IP holders.

More genuinely it's a couple things I guess. One big and simple one being just--I really like the story. It's long because there are a lot of parts I like and wanted to tell. Another is spite, because for a long period of time between 2017-2020 I thought I would never be able to come back to the story so it's something of a "fuck you look what I made anyway."

But I really REALLY think the biggest part to this all was the (tough, but doable) process of learning to be okay with this story taking however long it's gonna take, and being however long it's gonna be.

Back in the days when Tumblr was really a hub for fandom, fandom attention was extremely fleeting, and when you had any of it, it felt like it was always moments away from vanishing. Tourmaline, my 80k Steven Universe fic, I wrote in the span of just over 2 months. I had a chapter out roughly every 2-3 days for that entire sprint. I'm proud of pulling that off. But my main motivation for doing that was absolutely the fear of losing people's attention and interest if I dawdled even a little.

Early-days ABoT was like that too. The first 9 or 10 chapters were all posted in intervals of about 2-3 days apart. I was staying up extremely late to do this which wasn't good for me and I was doing it because I was afraid of losing people's interest and I was getting more intimidated the more I realized how long ABoT would likely be. And then for school and life reasons, my update schedule absolutely had to slow. And I was having a bad time because it was like I could feel myself losing readers and losing relevance, and the backlash was growing, and even when I was finding the time to write I'd started burning out hard on my passion for the story. I'd get frustrated with my own plot and characters, and you can't write a good passion project while frustrated with the characters.

And then I kinda quietly admitted defeat because the stress and the backlash were too much to handle and I couldn't wring anymore of this from myself. After a 1 year, 2 years, I was pretty much sure my readership was long gone. I still thought about the story constantly! I still cared. I just figured I'd missed my window and would never be able to come back except to backlash.

Then just shy of 3 years, I said "fuck it, actually" and wrote the next chapter (okay it was a lot more complicated than "fuck it" but that would take too long to explain.) And in FACT, a ton of the readership came back! It was an extremely warm reception! And new readers, too. Just a lot of really warm, positive feedback. Which absolutely blew my mind because it was completely at odds with my feeling that things needed constant updates to cling to relevance. And the idea of "well if they waited 3 years..." has helped me a lot with allowing time and breaks between chapters. I don't burn out on them. I edit them more. My update schedule's been more like 2-6 weeks between chapters, rather than days.

Allowing that down time, letting ABoT be a steady jog instead of an all-out sprint, has been absolutely crucial to getting as far through it as I am. Even right now, it's been pretty long since chapter 45. I dove super deep into putting ch45 together and I kinda needed some time off after to decompress and step away to not risk burn out. Which was very needed and helpful and now I'm back to chugging through ch46.

There was an old comment, I think on Reddit, that I read years ago which has stuck with me ever since. Someone was recounting a conversation with a single mother who was considering going back to college to get her degree, but was hesitant to do so because she would be 40 by the time she graduated. To which the other person responded "You'll be 40 anyway."

And "you'll be 40 anyway" plays in my head a lot. Like, ABoT's been going for almost 6 years. Well 6 years were going to pass anyway. ABoT might not be done for x-many more months. X-many more months are gonna pass anyway. Time's gonna happen anyway. So I'm not worried about whether this thing is still going by then or not. I'm just keeping at it until it's done.

#ask #abot #a breach of trust

[spacefunclubs]

Actually makes me so upset looking up YouTube and Twitter in the Doctor Who and David Tennant tags and seeing so many transphobes and bigoted losers complain about the latest specials being "woke" over that small scene of Fourteen asking the Meep its pronouns and the metacrisis resolution between Donna and Rose.

It's actually so disheartening, seeing so many people missing the fucking point of Doctor Who, and these are also the same people who shat on Jodie's entire run bc BWAAAA, WAHMAN NO BE DOCTOR!!1!1! and lord knows what's gonna happen when Ncuti's run finally begins and what he'll have to endure with these bigoted losers with a huge ass victim complex. Doctor Who is a show that has been vocally anti-fascist since the beginning with episodes reflecting the UK recovering from the effects of WWII with the Daleks being a metaphor for Nazis, feminism, or hell, even episodes in the new run of Doctor Who way back when it started in 2005 talking about themes of slavery, government corruption, and even subtle LGBT+ themes with Jack Harkness being an openly flirtatious bisexual, Bill Potts being openly lesbian, and hell, even Martha being the first black companion in Doctor Who history (Bill being the second). Not to mention the Twelfth Doctor, who these "fans" claim they stopped watching the show after he regenerated but completely gloss over this fact, sucker punching a racist who was harassing Bill. Not to mention the Doctor as a whole character growing more love and empathy with every new regeneration and not being afraid to emotionally express themselves with love instead of having to hide it, something these "fans" fail to have or even see and understand. So yeah, your "pwecious wittle show" has always been this way, believe it or not!!

And I am SO tired of seeing posts of these bigots asking how much David Tennant got paid for saying that pronoun line or even seeing dumbass video thumbnails of David Tennant saying stupid shit like "RIP DOCTOR WHO" when these assholes gloss over the fact that not only would his character (or any incarnation of the Doctor in general) would HATE these types of people, but also David in general. This whole year, he has been openly showing his support for the LGBT+ community, ESPECIALLY trans and nonbinary folks, between pride pins, the "Leave Trans Kids Alone" shirt, and even voicing his support at certain conventions. AND not to mention his lips were on Michael Sheen in the last season of Good Omens this summer (and his character being a genderfluid demonic entity similar to the Doctor) AND even WAY before that (Richard II) AND playing a trans woman A WHOLE 3 decades ago WAY BEFORE his Doctor Who fame. So no, he wasn't paid to do this shit, he's been doing this for FREE, which is what it costs y'all to not be an asshole. And, not to boast, but when I met him at New York Comic Con last month, I felt so safe around him even with just those few moments when I met him. He's the most kind, humble, gentle hearted soul on this planet and basically the only celebrity I stan bc of all this, so no, I don't think he would support your ideals bc you're just sad and pathetic chronically online cry babies that never felt a touch of a real person.

So fucking tired of dudebros feeling like they're entitled to their "pwecious wittle show" over being "woke" (which BTW, that word has been so overused to death, I don't even think these people know what it even means anymore and just use it as a meaningless insult) when really, they're just coping and seething over the fact that this show ain't for them and wanna be angry for the sake of being angry. So by all means, fuck off and take your anger elsewhere bc we clearly don't need it and it's making me and every other sane fan uncomfortable with your unprovoked anger. It's a trend that I've seen grow between this fandom, the Star Wars fandom, or any other geek-centric fandom online ever since Trump was in power, and it's really sad to see this type of bigotry grow in fan spaces like this. Y'all are better than this, get some help.

#sammy rambles #sammy rants #doctor who spoilers #'oh sammy just ignore it!' nah man i'm pissed. and i have and tried to laugh it off with these losers being losers and now it's just.. ugh. #bonus food for thought: “they're forcing it down our throats!!1!1!1!” good!! hope y'all fucking choke on it too!!! #not bothering to put a read more on this i'm fucking pissed #doctor who #david tennant

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Watchlist Tag Game!

Another unexpected tag game! This time from @waitmyturtles

Currently watching

A Boss and a Babe: Wasn't sure if I was going to watch this one because I'm not a huge fan of boss and subordinate as a positive romantic plot (looking at you GAP, sorry). But started watching it after seeing some of @respectthepetty's posts about Episode 4.

Bed Friend: If I were being accurate, I would have put this show down like four times in a row because I have rewatched all available episodes about four times, and honestly will probably watch the whole thing again. I love it so much, I do still think that Moonlight Chicken is my favorite show of the 2023 line up so far, but goddamn if I don't get overly attached to traumatized men.

Breaking Bad: Fun Fact! I have watched the first season of this show three times and never made it beyond that! So my friend set out to fix it and now we are trading one season of Breaking Bad for one show of my choice with a comparable number of episodes. Traded season one for Moonlight Chicken, and I'm trading season two and three for Word of Honor.

The Eclipse: Can't put my finger on why but for some reason I am obsessed with this show where the main character is a emotional repressed gay boy who has difficulty accepting himself and feels pressured to perform actions far outside what a teenager should be allowed to do because adults put pressure on him and because he doesn't want people to be disappointed in him...Anyway, with the Our Skyy 2 release date coming up how could I not rewatch this show I have already seen approximately six times?

The Eighth Sense: Have to thank @bengiyo for writing about The Eighth Sense, and everyone else that I follow that started watching this show immediately and started writing beautiful things about how queer it feels. It's my first Korean BL TV show (I did watch Wish You a few years back) and I am thoroughly enjoying my time so far!!

Unintentional Love Story: Don't have a lot to say about this show yet, I'm only two episodes in, but I think it's good so far!

Word of Honor: Rewatching this with my friend to try to get him to branch out of American television. I figured the costumes alone in this show would keep his interest, but let's be real, I was dying to see his reaction to my favorite little war criminal Wen Kexing who has done absolutely nothing wrong ever in his life, m'kay? This is my completely unbiased, objective opinion (do not look at my username).

Looking forward to watching soon

*ahem*

That is all...

...just kidding!

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves: Somehow, my tumblr blog accidentally turned into a primarily BL based blog, probably but actually before I was introduced to Word of Honor and then rapidly and descended into the Thai BL world from there (I know WoH is a cdrama, but I found KinnPorsche through a masterpost of queer asian media that was on the woh tag) my hyperfixation and truest love is playing Dungeons and Dragons. I've been in a campaign for 6 years now and recently started another campaign with another group! I wanted to see this movie when it came out but I had COVID and only now am freed from my self isolation! Heard it was good and fun and worth seeing in theaters so I am hoping to go soon!

Our Skyy 2: I just miss my boys, okay? I'm only human.

Only Friends: If the fact that I have watched KinnPorsche 14 times is anything to go by I love messy bitches, and this seems like a show full of messy bitches! Any show that requires a fucking flow chart to know their relationships to one another? I'm in! Also, I listened to the playlist that Jojo posted on Spotify and I was sold. This is definitely my most anticipated of 2023.

Still deciding if I’m gonna watch

Succession: I follow at least one person who has been posting a lot about Succession as the fourth and final season airs, and it sounds really good! I was actually convinced to start the first episode but I kinda fell off of it pretty quick. I think I was tired and I know like with any show the pilot is not the episode to judge something on.

Beef: Only putting this on here because I felt compelled to look it up in the tumblr tags today just to put some feelers out.

and that's it lol, I finsihed Shadow and Bone Season 2 and The Owl House so I don't really have any other shows that I am thinking about watching at the moment. If anyone who reads these block paragraphs has suggestions I'm all ears.

Well, anyone I was going to tag has been tagged by wmt so uhhhh, if you wanna do this game, take this as me officially tagging you!

#tag game #a boss and a babe #bed friend #bed friend the series #breaking bad #the eclipse #the eighth sense #unintentional love story #word of honor #d&d: honor among thieves #d&d movie #our skyy 2 #only friends #beef #succession

[taikk0]

old art dump!?1!11?!! [part 1]

yeah I really wanted to post these at some point but they're so fcuking ugly they don't deserve to be posted out in the open for all to see 💀💀

like if I were to ever post these one by one I think my dignity would take a huge blow, and that's coming from someone with a massive crater in their chest where their ribcage once was because all their self-respect got absolutely THWACKED out of their body the moment they started simping for the krang. SPOILER ALERT I'm that someone

anyways they're all under the cut peer at your own risk

I know I already posted this here on my improvement post but fun fact: this was the very first fanart I made this year getting back into Rise

also yes there will be commentary, I will always feel the need to explain myself when it comes to things I would greatly want to apologize for 🧍‍‍♂️

WHY DID I DRAW THEM SO HORRIBLY DEFORMED WHO DROPPED THEM RAPH OVER HERE LOOKING LIKE MEGAMIND AND LEOS BUILT LIKE A PIATTOS CHIP

I literally do not remember the context of this at all. not sure if it was a continuation of something, but if it was I can't find the rest of it

don't know how to draw the turtles???? MEME REDRAW BABY

character development is finally realizing Mikey isn't a literal circle lIKE????? WHY IS HE SO BOILED EGG

this was also in my "I have no idea how to properly color" phase, which explains why it's so monotonous compared to the colors I tend to choose now. Everything just looks so murky.... like dirty paint water.....

the mystic door symbol thing doesn't mean anything, I think past Michael just wanted to fill in the space

mikyomix name reveal real?? jk it's always been out, I just haven't mentioned it here, anywho yes hi it's me a Michael

might redraw this soon actually, who knows

this was the very first time I ever actually drew Donnie right, where he didn't make me nauseous just by looking at him, and IT WAS FROM THIS WEIRD SPECIFIC ANGLE FROM SOME REASON. If I ever drew him in a way that looked good it was almost always THIS angle, especially in doodles, it was never ever Donnie actually facing front, it was just him with this weird slouch and his back turned slightly.

am I using too many of whatever "," is, listen I almost flunked English I can't punctuate for crud but I'm trying my best over here ok

(side note: the file name is called "dunkin donuts"???)

this was never supposed to see the light of day, but I think this would be considered fanart of a fanart?? I saw taytei 's species swap au on pinterest before I knew who they were and decided "yk what?? yeah I'll steal it but only for me because I'm bored"

which brings me to the next few drawings

LOOKING AT THESE SENT SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE AND MY DINNER UP MY THROAT I DON'T LIKE THEM

we're moving on I don't like looking at these they're gross 💀

I made a joke about Donnie giving Leo his own tablet because he kept stealing it based on a very old drawing back in 2019 and it led to the idea of Leo turning into an Ipad kid, crusty screen and Ipad case in all its glory

if it wasn't obvious the background is a png of McDonald's because of course they're at McDonald's

ok, this is gonna sound so stereotypically ADHD of me but listen it makes sense lemme explain

so basically, I had a silly thought in my head that I've had for a long while about Donnie being British for no reason with no explanation as to why, it's not a headcanon it's just a funny thought I like to think about (so maybe it's an AU idk)

and I was binging Jack Whitehall (who was British) and it got to the part where he went on a schpiel on Robert Pattinson where he was talking about what it was like to go to school with him and there was this one section where he talks about being in school theatre with him.

and I thought.... "man wouldn't it be funny if that was the disaster twins..." and everything spiraled from there.

I made up this whole Yokai school they would have gone to if they didn't live in the sewers. Donnie is the head of the drama club, he always plays and casts himself as the main character in his own productions that he himself directs because he's just that good at his job. Leo joins the drama club and shows Donnie up, making him a little bit jealous. Leo is only let in because of the club members vouching for him, Which then leads to Donnie treating him poorly and casting him as a tree (SEE WERE COMING FULL CIRCLE) this obviously upsets Leo and ends up giving him more of a reason to become the center of attention, What was supposed to be a drag ended up helping Leo more than harming his chances of ruining Donnie's plans.

Everything then spirals into a competitive back and forth as to who is the better actor. It stops being about who gets to play which part and more about who comes out of this feud alive with a prestigious acting role tied to their name.

That was everything I thought about at the time though I just thought "HAHA DISASTER TWINS HIJINX" and that was it

someone send me that Donnie toy with the big head and maybe I will start writing fanfiction/JJJJJ

I had this idea of Donnie adopting a dog from Todd because it had an attitude and then the dog ended up being just as smart as him helping him solve equations and stuff and eventually it became his lab partner

yeah that paired up with the RotTMNT drama club thing I sound like I have a very weird brain we're moving on

I have to admit this because I really didn't wanna post this without a heads up but yes this is inspired by that one drawing made by h*bermen right before I even knew about what they did and I feel guilty about this one sometimes just by the sheer fact that it's even loosely associated to them :/

I have nothing to say about this one other than I suck at rendering

this drawing of the boys fighting over their childhood blankie was supposed to be a bit of a concept for a comic I wanted to make but never got around to even writing it out,

the gist of it was that the lair was starting to get a bit messy with the things they've hoarded over the last couple of years, so the turtles+splinter decided to clean everything up, managing what to throw away and what to keep

they come across a blanket that they used to have as kids (which was the same blanket from the flashback in hidden city's most wanted) The individual turtles are hesitant at first and decline wanting to keep it, but overtime they start to realize just how much they want their childhood blanket back. They start making excuses and stealing the blanket from one another, insisting that they needed it for something important, which was very much not the case.

soon everything ramps up to the point where their methods of trying to take ownership of the blanket start getting wilder and wilder and hijinx ensues, not long before everyone overtly starts fighting over it like their life depended on it at the climax of the episode.

I didn't really have a plan yet as to how it was going to end, but if I were to make something up on the spot I'd say either:

A.) it's revealed that the blanket was actually splinter's old bath towel that he doesn't use anymore, the turtles are disgusted by this and stop fighting over it. That is until the twist at the end where one of the turtles comes back for it and takes the towel for themselves when no one is around. gross.

B.) Mikey stops the fight before it gets too serious, calling him and his brothers out for acting like savages over a blanket. Soon everyone realizes that the blanket isn't important, the blanket may be of great significance to them, but their memories together will always be more important, and they can't let a simple piece of cloth tear them apart.

and then after everyone else has left and made up, turns out that it was actually Mikey's plan all along to have them stop fighting to keep the blanket for himself.

this is more of a doodle but I had to bring this one up because it's just funny to me

basically, I was drawing Leo and I had two separate layers, I drew Leo photogenically on the layer above with the deranged Leo invisible underneath, and after some time I completely forgot what I drew on the layer below and made it visible again

yeah you can imagine my soul leaving my body

white-eyed Raph freaks me out,,, where did the yellow go,,,,

"I'M SENSITIVE LEO"

this is the only non-turtle drawing in this whole post I think

okay, a bit of a backstory on this one, this was my very first actually finished RotTMNT animation. It was for a trend on TikTok not too long ago where artists would be drawing a character and the character would move to let the artist continue drawing them

This one animation has single-handedly given me so much clout, like holy crap it's literally at 5M views now and it scares me a little 😭😭

for anyone wondering, its this one

YES I AM AWARE OF HOW CRINGE IT IS LEAVE ME ALONE IM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS BACK IN MAY

or whatever month it was, I have no idea what 5-5 is supposed to mean I can't read tiktok dates

not rise related but oh my word I absolutely do not have an actual art style 💀

donnie gets trolled

very eyestrainy. this is a WIP screenshot from an animation meme I never finished

I still have the Krita file btw, so maybe one day ill get to show u guys the full soon if I ever get around to finishing it

I have no idea why I formatted this the way I did, but I'm assuming this was most likely a doodle right on top of the animation meme I mentioned earlier and I just didn't bother cropping it

yeah idk why I drew them with really big eyes

he's sleep-deprived and done with everything he's about to go apeshit

also, weird brush

when I tell you guys I was SO READY to see Leo die in the movie before any information on it came out

vine reference in 2022 baby

I'll have you guys know this was completely by accident

Anyways that's as much as I could fit in one post!! I have a bit more but ehhh maybe sometime later

these are all in the order I made them in, which explains why it kind of gets better the more you scroll, so I hope your eyeballs have been cleansed even slightly by the newer ones jfdsjfkI

I have no idea how to end this post uh like and subscribe

#taikko art

[exp123mon]

Just gonna mass dump Frontier thoughts rather than post episode by episode. I just wanna watch and enjoy then scribble thoughts down afterwards. This isn't like serious reviews or anything.

EP 2. Wolfmon of Light - Battle in the Underground Maze! -details re: the missing chunks of world which I was wondering about just 15 minutes ago are revealed -Tomoki wanting to be a hero is sweet but given how Digimon loves psychologically torturing children, I am deeply concerned for him lol -Blue Boy is Koji, like the delicious fungus! -what is it with Digimon and chocolate? also a train having a huge tongue like that is terrifying in a way I can't quite describe -more screentime for Izumi and Junpei! (So much so that I actually remembered their names roffle) The vibe I got from Izumi in the first ep was that she thinks of herself as being more mature than others and Junpei being concerned about what others think (in a kind of "socially cowardly" way) and that follows through here. I'm not sure I'm articulating what I mean properly lol. But it's pretty good characterisation so far to give the characters such little screentime in the first ep but still communicate a lot about their personalities. -After Takuya and Izumi fall down the hole, Neemon turns to Bokomon and asks "should we fall down too?" gave me a good chuckle, I'm looking forward to seeing what these two bring to the group -Raremon is gross and creepy, nice. I was starting to think Koji's evolution debut would be him beating up some babies who wanted chocolate lol -Koji just being accidentally pushed into a hole that happened to contain the Spirit felt weak but pretty funny, like damn dude, thank goodness it wasn't one of those holes that just. fell. forever. into the air outside lol -Also I dunno if there was just little/no music in episode 1 (don't recall to be honest) but the bgm in this episode was really nice -overall a decent episode, the Pagumon chases were a nice more lighthearted threat after LITERAL HELL DOG TRIES BURNING TINY CHILDREN ALIVE

EP 3. I Won't Allow Bullying! Evolve into Chakmon of Ice -So they have the chance to return home, Junpei wants to, the others send Tomoki away. I always love in stories when kids are like "we're OLDER so LISTEN to us!" and the elders are like 10 years old -it's nice the kids don't all just get along, even if they're sticking together, there's obviously friction with their personalities and what they want to do -Bokomon and Neemon are nice support/comic relief, they're funny but not overbearing which is always my worry with characters like this -more backstory!! so Lucemon was an evil tyrant, but now it's Cherubimon who's screwing up the world… we got ourselves a fallen angel theme going so far -THAT CANDMON HAS A MOUSTACHE -Bruh the scene where Tomoki uses his hat to try dousing the Candmon to protect Takuya is so sweet, this kid's legit, best character for sure lol -Chakmon's evolution animaton is so cute omg, Chakmon always looked so serious in its artwork but it's super cute -not gonna lie Wizardmon just appearing suddenly confused the hell outta me haha -overall though i really liked this ep, the episodes so far are all really nicely paced

EP 4. My Kicks Hurt! The Female Warrior Fairymon -The Forest Terminal being in the forest literally makes so much sense my guy. I mean you are in Crazy Whacko Nonsense world but still. "I live in Ocean View." "Oh, where's that?" "In the middle of the desert." -Floramon's head is apparently completely empty. Oh my. Which makes me wonder how the Mushmon… made their mushroom soup… -Izumi straight up SLAPPING Mushmon is so good. I always love when Digimon kids are totally out of their league fighting these monsters but they don't care and still try to mess 'em up. -Woodmon secretly three Mushmon in a trench coat confirmed. -lol that booty attack Fairymon does. "no no it isn't the ten-year-old Izumi, it's FAIRYMON, it's totally different we swear ehehehehe" I'm kinda curious about what the dub looks now though -Sucks that Izumi's evolution debut has her getting knocked out cold like that. Just seemed like an excuse to have Koji show up and barely interact again. -I'm 99% sure Bokomon is secretly The Ultimate Evil this series. -Junpei being so convinced he's getting a Spirit is nice. Shows he's been paying attention. A shame the same cannot be said of Koji who still refuses to tag along with the main gang. My fella, you are right there in the intro with them. You cannot escape.

#not art #digimon frontier #frontier watching

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

(this is for research purposes (/gen this is for an english project) but I understand if it seems weird so feel free to ignore) (also dw I don't plan to mention specific people) what drew you to paganism/polytheism?

Oh this is SUCH a fun question. I was sitting down to do some readings and saw this in my askbox and just- I'll do this one first XD I apologize in advance, I'm gonna write a huge fucking essay because it's fun. First two paragraphs are more a history and context of how I got to paganism, the rest is more the aspects of paganism that drew me in!

So, this won't be an anti-Christian rant but I feel the need to say that part of it is, admittedly, that I grew up going to church with my grandmother. I loved that church, but I knew very well that they loved the IDEA of me. I was an undiagnosed auDHD queer kid who, at the time, was severely depressed. They loved the mask I put on, not the reality of me. I hadn't found acceptance in religion. I always was aware of paganism and witchcraft because of my parents and their practices, but really I grew up Christian. But that world- at least the way I was taught Christianity- was very small and harmful to me. Paganism not only understood me, not only accepted me, but enthusiastically embraced my oddities.

For a while, it was more an occasional hyperfixation than a practice I could put any effort or trust into. Witchcraft and paganism requires being in the present moment, something that I avoided like the plague because I was so afraid of my emotions. After some pretty intense experiences (if you want a little more explanation just DM, but I'd rather not post publicly bc it's pretty dark) taught me I could handle existing in the moment no matter how intense the emotions were, it suddenly opened up my practice in a whole new way. I wasn't afraid to be real with myself anymore.

Ultimately, I think that's what drew me to my own practices and religions; it's real. No, not in the "I'm the Right ReligionTM" way, but in the sense that I can be honest with myself in my practice. I can be real. I don't have to run away from the earth hoping for heaven, I don't have to pretend that having a body and mind is evil- I embrace my whole self. Paganism taught me it's okay to be myself no matter how strange I am, that the body and the life we live here and now is sacred. I don't have to fear the parts of me I was taught to reject as a child because those are "of the devil," I embrace them and give them compassion because I should never have been told that in the first place.

It also taught me that the world really is bigger than people tell you, just like I always felt it was. In my mom's words, "I thought it made so much more sense that the animals in Narnia talked. And some part of me that I kept very very secret thought that maybe they do in this world too, if you just know how to listen." The more I learn about my personal practice as a witch and pagan, the more I feel like that. "This just makes more sense."

Also, last thing because this is a HUGE ramble I swear I just fucking love witchcraft and paganism so much: The way I work with my deities makes more sense to me than the way most religions present gods. A god that is distant, powerful, and has the power to punish me if I step one toe out of line, would be no help to me at all. That's just one more authority figure to fear. My deities are kind, they accept the parts of myself that even I don't, and hell they're even funny- they sit with me when I want to cry or when I'm angry and they also watch my silly little shows with me. I feel their presence in casual activities. And to me that's so much more helpful than a god that's impersonal. The way a lot of religious deities work just... stress me out. I would never feel seen, not truly, and how would I know that they'd accept all of me? With my deities, I know they accept all of me. They've seen all of me.

Plus, on the less emotional side of things, paganism is just fucking FUN okay. Who else gets to say they watch anime with their god? Who else gets to say that their god, who is often perceived as formal and ruthless, makes dad jokes sometimes? I fuckin' love it here.

I hope this helps at all! It's very rambly but.... ehhhHHHH my feelings on paganism are rambly bc I like it :D

#for the record it's Hades who makes dad jokes #I love Hades #amphibian asks #witchcraft #witchblr #witch community #paganblr #deity work #pagan #pagan witch #paganism #eclectic pagan #witch blog