#I cant believe I let you make me question my worth

[pilikimi12]

Let me get this straight (personal rant)

I had a Bf

You said you didn't want to date someone from our class

I confided in you that I was unhappy with my bf

You started flirting with me "as a joke"

You did everything to spend time with me one-on-one for weeks

We shared basically every single one of our interests

I broke up with my Bf

You kept flirting

I flirted back

We texted non-stop for two weeks over break

You told me you liked me and you had a feeling "this" could be good

You asked me for pictures of my outfits and referenced "Are you gonna be my girl?" when you know it's one of my favorite songs

I started to listen to reputation and Lover a bit too much

You came back from break early to spend the weekend with me

It was awkward as heck

You kissed me

You told me you "weren't looking for anything serious rn"

I told you I wasn't either

You told me you "cared about our friendship too much"

I slept with you (you were my first time)

We kept seeing each other for weeks as FWB

You kissed my forehead, held my hands, touched my thighs in class, played with my hair and called me beautiful

You tried to find excuses to get me alone at your apartment

You kept acting like I was madly in love with you when all I did was suck your dick and tell you your hair looked good when you asked

You nit-picked every aspect of my appearance (my teeth, my stomach, my hair, my occasional zit) and personality (my laugh, my singing voice, my know-it-all attitude)

I lost 5 KILOS

We started It takes two together

I left a hang-out early ONE TIME instead of sticking around to suck your dick

You suddenly downloaded Hinge again

You complained TO ME about not finding a girl

You asked me to get you off but refused to reciprocate after I put out ??

You meet this girl TWICE

You both decide to delete Hinge together

You have the NERVE to tell me you'd rather date someone who isn't as much of a nerd as you are so you can "teach her" instead of someone like me who "already knows all of it"

You started It takes two with her on date n°4

You want to stay friends with me, your ex-FWB, while you have a GIRLFRIEND and keep seeing me one-on-one

You don't see the big deal cause "we weren't serious"

#Im the other woman arent I ? #Im the girl you will tell her not to worry about #this was textbook lovebombing btw #I cannot believe I let myself fall for this #I cant believe I let you make me question my worth #I dont love you but by god you shattered my ego #I would cut my own hand before I touch your dick again #I already know this whole “lets stay friends” thing will die the second you go steady with her #I know you're just keeping me in the wings you goddamed asshole #I hope she dumps your ass

[doyozen]

hickey prank with dream, text au if possible please.

HI LOVE i know you said text au but i felt this was hard to make sense over text IM SO SORRY i hope this was okay instead!!!

HICKEY PRANK ON NCT DREAM

Mark

“What happened to your neck…?”

“Burned myself with a curling iron.”

“Oh, okay”

“…”

“…”

“I fucking knew this wouldn’t work”

“What”

“Its makeup you GOOFBALL.”

Renjun

“What happened here?”

“I burned mys—dont touch it!”

“That doesnt look like a burn. Also why is it rubbing off on my fingers.”

“Um… good question”

Jeno

“Was it worth it?”

“What?”

“Were they HOT at least??”

“Oh, yeah definitely”

“Okay. Im gonna go home to cry in my bed”

“Okay let me know when you’re finished”

Haechan

“Y/N what is that?”

“It’s nothing.”

“…if thats a fucking hickey”

“Its from you”

“I did not give you that you CHEATER”

“….”

“…Is that really not from me?”

“ITS MAKEUP IM PRANKING YOU IM SORRY I LOVE YOU”

Jaemin

“Why are you hiding your neck so hard?”

“Im not.”

“Oh”

“Its not what it looks like”

“Um… who did that?”

“No one”

“Someone did that and it wasnt me, Y/N. Please tell me.”

“Oh my gosh you look so hurt its makeup babe im pranking you”

Chenle

“What the fuck is this?”

“Curling iron”

“This isnt from a fucking curling iron you psycho WHO DID THIS?”

“Uh….”

“Holy shit did you actually cheat on me. I cant believe this”

“….”

“…i have to go”

“ITS MAKEUP PLEASE YOURE SO SCARY WHEN YOURE MAD”

Jisung

“There’s a bruise on your neck…”

“I know”

“Pain.”

“…?”

“All i feel is PAIN”

#nct fanfic #nct #nct dream #haechan #nct fluff #nct scenarios #nct texts #jeno #nct x reader #jaemin #renjun #mark lee #chenle #jisung

[poisoned-pearls]

What if in first year au they were play fighting and tickling each other but then they broke something (I NEED THEM TO BE CHAOTIC FIRST YEARS PLS)

“Jamil, hey- stop it! Hey- it’s not funny-!” Azul wheezed out, laughs making his words far less effective at trying to actually get Jamil to stop tickling him, “please!- come onnnn- have mercy!”

He did decide to have mercy on him, ceasing his movements for a moment, which was a poor decision on Jamil’s part, because Azul took the opportunity to push him onto his side instead.

Both of them continued to play-fight, abusing Azul’s brand new housewarden room privileges for all it was worth.

Which includes the many, many sleepovers. Really, Azul would love to stay over at Scarabia, but as he had learned, Jamil’s roommates did not like him that much. Jamil had said it was because they seemed jealous of the fact that Jamil had gotten a boyfriend faster than anyone had ever expected, but Azul couldn’t believe that was the only reason. He’d seen how they’d watched him in class… he had his theories. (So did the twins, but they’d always been more wild with their ideas)

”I cant believe you- betrayal of the highest order.” Jamil deadpanned at him, not making much of an effort to sit back up, but gladly pulling Azul down on top of him.

“you’re the one who pulled out the tickling card. I can’t believe you. I didn’t even know that was a thing!”

“What, you don’t have tickling underwater?” Jamil questioned, turning his head towards the Oceanside window.

“No! You land-dwellers are so weird.” Azul finished, sitting up on the side of his bed, “I can’t believe half of the things you guys say.”

Jamil shoved him, playful and noncommittal. “Really? Like what?”

“Like gym! One of your whole class periods is taken up by torture??” He laughed out, exasperated.

“Gym is not ‘torture’, Azul.”

“Yes it is! You’re telling me it’s a requirement to go run around in sweaty clothes for an hour then go back inside, change, and just… go around school like that for the rest of the day?!” Azul’s hands came up to lightly slap him back.

”it’s only torture to you,” Jamil retorted, shoving him onto his back for effect, “not my fault you’re weak.”

Azul stays on his back for a moment, turning his head to look at Jamil for a moment. He’d always thought Jamil’s face was so pretty, full of sharp angles and ‘mean’ features that made his heart swirl. Too bad he had a fight to win.

He swung his other arm behind him, grabbing a pillow before smacking it right across Jamil’s face. Jamil’s face split into a wide grin as he lunged for the pillow in Azul’s hand. They stumbled around for a moment, fighting for control over a pillow as if their weren’t three others on his bed.

The kept fighting, with no real malice behind it, until a pouch crash echoed through the room. Azul’s bottle of ink was spilled across the floor, knocked over from Azul’s legs.

They both scrambled up, Azul blurting out a quick “I’ll get a towel-“ before running off to his bathroom.

“why was your ink pot on your nightstand??” Jamil let out, exasperated as he caught the towel Azul threw at him.

“I was working on a contract last night-“

“in bed?!?”

“Don’t question my methods!”

“This was bound to happen!” He shoved the towel onto the spill.

Azul kneeled down next to him, pulling in Jamil for a quick kiss before sweeping up the glass, “there, do you forgive me now?”

“I’m not mad, ‘Zul, I just don’t think you need to be working so late you’re still writing in bed.”

“…okay,” Azul sighed. He had been working late lately, maybe he should relax a bit more.

He glanced up at the boy next to him. Yeah, maybe he should.

#Jamiazu #azujami #twst #twisted wonderland #jamil viper #azul ashengrotto #All of Azul’s theories abt Jamil’s roommates are wrong btw #Like two of them actually had a crush on him and are very peeved that Jamil got him that quickly #Listen Azul is very pretty you can’t tell me he doesn’t have some admirers #So does Jamil but Azul actually notices those #But AUGH they’re my sillies #Hopefully you don’t mind the full on Drabble response but I felt it’d give the best like response #They’re menaces together in class though #Jamil and Azul are already terrifying #But them with first year shenanigans? Amazing and horrifying

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Sabretooth or wolverine (or both) w/ blind reader? :>

Okay! I'll try my best. Please forgive me if I get anything wrong. Do you mind if I do headcanons for this one? Thank you for offering this idea up:

• Wolverine with a blind Reader would be described in one word: Overprotective

• He'd always be worrying about them, watching them and staying alert in case they needed help or were in trouble

• He would try to let you be independent, but only to a certain degree. He wouldn't want to discourage you, and he isn't going to try to limit you anymore than being vision impaired has done

• Would never make fun of you. If you're okay with it, he'll make jokes about being blind as a bat, or jokes about people who can see but obviously can't see what's in front of them. The guy just wants to make them smile, make them laugh, just wants to make them feel welcome

• Will sometimes stay up late just to keep you company and to secretly help you if something were to happen. He makes sure everyone keeps the Institute clean, so as not to make it harder for you to get around. Want a cool walking stick or cane? The guy will whittle you one and design it with your favorite animal, making a little bust of it at the top and etches in the wood so you can see it with your sense of touch

• If anyone picks on you for your disability, he will gladly kick their *ss. No questions asked

• If Reader has a mutation that helps them sense their way around the environment, Logan will do everything he can to help hone your skills to the point you are a master of it

• The worst he would do is possibly put you on house arrest, if not room arrest, if you tried to run away. He worries, worries to the extremes, and if his fears come true and you were to get hurt or kidnapped or tried to leave him, leave the X-Men... he will make it so you cant leave. Not without him. Not without them

• 7/10, he tries, he cares and will not tolerate abuse or neglect towards you, but the moment he feels you're in danger, he's keeping you in the Insitute where he and the others can keep an eye on you and help you 24/7

• Sabretooth with a blind Reader would be put of his depth

• He is around someone who can't see him or anything around them, yet they can still get around on their own. The man is confused

• He gets over it when Reader uses their walking stick as a weapon, alongside their mutation (something like echolocation, or super senses, or maybe the ability to see auras, or some blind/vision-impaired animal). And he realizes there is more to them than what he initially thought

• When Reader sees past the many, many traumatized and vicious layers of him, he finds himself growing attached. Someone who can't see and they see him not as a monster or animal, but someone worth seeing, and worth helping

• After that, he's around them. ALL. THE. TIME. If Reader is on a mission or has somewhere they have to go, he volunteers to accompany them. If someone has a problem with it, he doesn't mind using thinly veiled threats to keep him by their side

• If anything happened to blind Reader, he would be enraged. Scared. Terrified. The person or mutant who caused them harm or kidnapped them is dealt with, until there's nothing left to break. And after that, he keeps Reader with him at all times

• If Reader tried to leave, he would resort to possibly drugging them, or limiting their environment to be with him and his current group or to one of his hidden safe houses. He isn't running the risk of them ending up hurt like his brother, and he sure as fr*ck isn't letting them go. He's too attached now

• 6/10, he is okay-ish if you don't mind having him with you at all times, and he would believe in your ability to defend yourself. But the moment you get hurt and he's reminded you're a kid, and one who has a disability, is immediately making it so you can't leave him

• If these two had the same blind bby... Sabretooth would likely try to keep both Reader and Wolverine with him, while Wolverine did his best to get himself and Reader back to the Institute. Neither one wants to go without their loving bby, but while Victor would share with Logan and try to guilt trip him into sharing and staying, Logan would take the closest opportunity to grab Reader and run, not looking back or stopping until they're with the Professor and the other X-Men, who all can help protect their kid/child/friend/sibling

#honeycomb thoughts #platonic yandere marvel #yandere platonic marvel #platonic yandere xmen #yandere x-men #platonic yandere #platonic yandere x reader #platonic yandere marvel x reader #platonic yandere xmen evolution #platonic yandere xmen: the animated series #platonic yandere wolverine #platonic yandere logan howlett #platonic yandere sabretooth #platonic yandere victor creed #platonic yandere graydon creed

[mnoa]

mistake (zhongli n reader) pt 2! 

HEJIKOPL THE OTHER ONE GOT SO MUCH ATTENTION I FEEL SO PRESSURED TO GET THIS ONE DONE AND MAKE IT GOOD 😭😭 PLS SAVE ME

-------------

"Get the fuck out." "W-What?" "Get out!" You screamed, pointing to the door of your shared home. Small drops of blood splattering every where. For the first time in your "relationship", he had been asked to get out and leave. "What about us? Are we still-" Zhongli spoke up. "After everything you did to me, you expect me to still want you back? Hah, funny." You scoffed at his pathetic question. "God, do I just want to rip your face off and show everyone you're nothing but a bitch. A bitch wanting his lovely little ex back, only running into somebody else's arms just to let time pass." You took another glass piece and broke it. "Stop breaking things!" He was mad. "Oh? Now you're mad?" You didn't want to turn this into a full fight, but it was hard to not. "Zhongli, I gave you chances. I gave you hope for us. And this is how you treat me?" "I loved you." Zhongli was, of course, trying to calm you down and talk his way through your forgiveness. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry-" "You always say sorry but you never mean it. You always use your words to talk your way into my arms. Into my embrace. Into my forgiveness. Cause you're the biggest, most fucked up asshole there is." You felt angry yet sad. "I tried, Zhongli. I really fucking tried." The look he gave you looked like he finally had some sympathy. He finally understood what you had meant by "I tried". In reality, he did somehow try too. He tried to love you, to care for you, and to cherish you. But he just couldn't do it. "Goodbye. I can't do this anymore." You took your coat and bag, walking towards the door. "Wait-" He tried to stop you. "There's nothing worth stopping for anymore, Zhongli. It's over. It's all gone." were the last things you said before leaving and shutting the door in his face. He cried, heart full of sorrow and despair. He finally realized what he had done. He had lost you for good. There was no chance that you would run back into his arms like he ran into yours in the beginning. All the love and time you spent together down the drain. "What do I do now?" ------------------------------ timeskip a year later ! You were finally living a free life. You didn't regret breaking up with him and losing your long "loving" relationship. You loved traveling and reading books. But your most loved thing to do was write about what you had learned. You posted a blog on the internet, which went viral and now various people follow you.

"Zhongli? Hah, funny you mention him again. I don't regret breaking up with him, but I would love to thank him for some reason. He helped me grow and learn. Even if the expense of learning those lessons were, well, expensive." He, meanwhile, was still living in your shared home. In the first 3 months of your break up, he was depressed. He was also learning himself. What he had done, what you had said and done. He was still hurt. He could let go of everything you had. Your bedsheets that smelled like you, your pillowcases, your collection of books. But one thing he couldn't let go was the photo of you and him, standing on the beach with your cat and dog. He knew deep inside that he was genuinely happy at that moment. He knew he couldn't get you back, but thinking and missing you was enough for him.

You both had different endings. You ended up fully healed and happy with your new life. He, on the other hand, was still learning and healing. But no matter how much you love a person, don't forget to leave some for yourself. For loving somebody too much can hurt both of you.

----------------------------------

BIITCHES THIS IS IT. I CANT BELIEVE TE OTHER ONE GOT SO MUCH ATTENTION LIKE 🤨🤨 but this is the final part. I absolutely love this so much, and I hope you do too. Love is hard to understand, but with the right person at the right time, you will be able to love :)!

#genshin angst #genshin impact #genshin #zhongli #zhongli x y/n #zhongli x reader #y/n #reader #story #writer #mona megistus #kiseatories

[arttrampbelle]

Dunno bout y'all but shang tsung would be soft for his s/o

Sorry not sorry but shang tsung to me IS somft for his beloved.

Because your probably the only person he's been with for like how long,you put up with him,and honestly would he find anyone like you ever again? Probably not.

So no. His s/o don't NEED to be like him to be with him. They just need to accept him and he's gonna be well....a dark sorcerer. Plain n simple.

Sure it would be nice to find like minds. But i dunno shang doesn't strike me personally to go after someone that is an exact copy of him or tries to be like him. He like genuineness above all else. Ironically.

If you can be yourself. And who you are honestly. And are absolutely undyingly loyal to him.

It doesn't matter how cunning or "intellectual" you are. It doesn't matter what your personality is.

He values loyalty,honesty,and genuine people. Because those people he can actually fucking keep around and not stab him in the back when plans go off the rails.

Which unfortunately he tends to hire or associate with.

So to have you,who is loyal,trusting,and bound to him. Soul or not.

Is a fucking treasure.

Look man i get it. You wanna be like shang. He one cool dude. I feel you. But there is only one room for a cunning binch. And thats him.

So if you're trying to match him,good luck. Because he'll see right through that and walk away.

But if its genuine. He'll stay. But dont be fake.

There is a difference between him with business partners or friends/allies and romantic partners or even a spouce.

Like for anything closer it needs to be something worth keeping yes. But again it doesn't NEED to be like him to catch his eye.

In all honesty.

Someone who he can be genuinely domestic with and take off the evil sorcery mask around would be a breath of fresh air to him. He could let down his walls for fucking once.

He is happy to be around you. And only you.

Could he be clingy,sure. Possessive? Sure. But you are well taken care of. Nobody's gonna fuck with you on his watch.

Also if you cant fight,he'll teach you. You wanna learn magic. Become the sorcerer's apprentice. No. Not the movie.

Just also make sure its not soul magic or anything heavier. Because he's very particular about that. But thats out of protection for himself AND you.

But any of invocations of magic is perfectly acceptable. Elemental is the easiest and most likely.

But yeah,he'd happy to teach you anything he knows. Tbh shang tsung would totally take in an apprentice he can mold to his desires. Especially to take down a certain thunder god. Hee hee.

Some of y'all have a decent idea on him. But miss the point he doesn't need someone to be like him.

In fact.....thats boring.

He would want someone he can cherish. I wouldn't put it past him to slowly unbeknown to you. To slowly increase your lifespan or slow your aging with magic. Sure you may not know it at first. But after maybe a decade or so....you question some shit and go "hey wait a minute"

I dunno man.

Shang i honestly don't think gives a fuck about superficial crap much. He acts like it. But thats not what keeps him.

He's over 500yrs old. Do you honestly believe anyone that long lives gives a fuck about superficial crap?

No. Not even the vainest mofo would give a damn after a while. It would get boring.

I know my villains honey. And i know these archtypes.

But all in all.....at the end of the day.....does it matter?

No. Because you,reader,you are the special exception.

Shang would totally love you no matter what the hell your personality is like. As long as your genuine about it.

Thats all he'd care about.

So dont listen to these x readers that have "oh he wouldn't like so n so" or "he wouldn't like x this type person" like hell. He would totally love you. Im sorry but i hate people who say in x reader type posts to say. They wouldn't like this type of person. No. Thats wrong. And bad x reader writing.

Like at the end of the day,its your writing. Write however you want. Its your city. But for me. Shang tsung don't give a single rats ass what you look like,what your personality is,if your soft n sweet or cunning like him. (Bonus if you both) but at the end of the day he's just happy that he's finally found someone to share life with. However brief if may or may not be. Fr.

You need to be open minded about this type of writing. Dont alienate reader like that.

I have learned its best to write less about what reader is or is like. And more about character in question. And less about "types" and more about what keeps them. And most of them. I hate to break it to you. Especially villains.

Wants some damn loyalty and peace n quiet. Do you how stressful it is to be evil bad guy all the time? Dont you think they deserve a damn break once n a while. Like come home from a long day of scheming "honey im home,i love you. Lets take a bath together" type shit.

Like bruh come on

Like shang tsung just wants to chill and be on his island n have souls to "drink" is that hard to ask for?

And he would absolutely cherish you. Like a dragon coiled around his treasure.

You are precious to him. And if he could,he'd clutch you tighter,hide you in his pocket from the cold dangerous world of kombat.

But alas. He cant.

Because thats not how it works. Even if the odds are in his favor.

A mastermind like him would also needs to be gentle with his beloved,to keep them in his favor or keep them beholden to him anyways. I feel it would be genuine,but also shang tsung is gonna well....shang tsung.

But even when he's being a bastard,he isn't gonna shy away from making sure you're absolutely comfortable and well loved.

You don't need to be just like him to be loved by him. You just need to be genuine.

Anyways. Shang tsung loves you. Ok? Dont you worry your precious heads my fellow shang tsimps,self shippers,and fic writing community.

#we will stan somft shang in this house hold #im sorry not sorry he is sweet only and only to his beloved #mortal kombat #shang tsung #shang tsung x reader #shang tsung mortal kombat #self shipping #self ship #x readers #mk x reader #some positivity for you shang tsung lovers #like im tired of the anti somft villain fics fr #like we know how they are actually we didn't come for that we came for fluff >:(

[ae-neon]

I would be lying if i say Feyre secretly like the idea that she can command her family. We see it when they were poor. Yeah, I get it. Papa doesnt want to work , we dont have food.

Feyre hunt. Yeah, our breadwinner. But she bring home also this bossy and commanding attitude. I thought it was just her way to cope with her fear of having to hunt and losing money to eat. Maybe it is her mask, her wall to shield herself from fear and anxiety being in the wood or not wanting her family to worry about her.

But, she gained comfort. Safety,provided and it became clear. Her attitude and controlling thing became more obvious as she ascended as High Lady. I dont realize the scene in acotar 2 where she "wish rhys could force her sibling to work with them" . Tf, who are you to force your sibling? You are no longer their breadwinner, Tamlin is (cuz give them money but papa archeron manage it and now they are rich).

But i sense it the moment the batboy first enter the Archeron manner and Feyre did nothing when the batboy make offensive comment to her sister. Say what you want, but i grew up in one wld and unhealthy sibling. Nobody can say bad word to my sibling except for me and vice versa. Nobody can call me bitch except my sibling. The same thing i mean girl 'its only okay when I say it'- Janis. There is boundary between the family and the outsider. And then feyre let them????? I thought their relationship heal in the last book????

Why the sudden cold between sibling?

And then we got Acosf. Omg, the anger I feel when feyre say things like 'what people gonna say if I cant control my sister. How will they trust me to govern?'

CONTROLL??? you admit it yourself here you wanted to control your sister, feyruhhhh???

And it was never about helping Nesta in the first place? If nesta didnt use the tab or money, will IC intervent her?

I knew Feyre like the power she wield. We see it with nesta. Guilty of it? Maybe like 48% of it but the rest is this feeling knowing your sibling will listen to you.

Then we have Nesta. Smart Nesta, educated Nesta, prized by their mother. I can sense this lead to a huge mommy issue for Nesta and Feyre. Nesta became the daughter and stripped of her worth to fit her mother dream daughter while Feyre leaves by her own. Tending her own loneliness.

One thing i notice of feyre is, she is too quick making a conclusion of one thing. Like how she conclude that Nesta will be a burden when she marry Tomas. She dont see Nesta perspective where she is trying to save her family, especially Elain.

If Feyre should not control her sibling then who should? Nobody should. I dont people came out to me and say 'oh you want nesta in charge because she elder'. Duh no.

They all should respect each other, support where it is needed and care for each other. But of course, no individual is flawless or perfect.

But the attempt to control? Oh feyre, i knew you secretly like it. It give you sense of authority. We see her losing her own authority in the IC, perhaps controlling her sibling is the only one left to her.

Friends? IC

Mate ? He established the IC.

Court? Handle by her mate. Where part she handle?

Education in prythian? I don't see it here. And rhys seem content letting her believe what she want. All goes to Rhys when it comes to decision making.

Her siblings are the only one that left. God, i feel bad for Nesta and Elain. They r trapped. Elain at least can escape to Day court once Lucien is recognized as their heir. But Nesta? Nuh-uh. A cursed indeed to Nesta and Cassian mating bond.

Hello anon

I agree with you. I think Feyre likes the idea of control. In her defence this is probably a coping mechanism from the cabin years where she felt like her mother's promise forced her into action.

But those are just her feelings, it's just her trauma, and unfortunately sjm gave up on addressing Feyre as a flawed, developing character when she had to make Feyre infallible so her view of Rhysand cannot be questioned by the reader.

I also agree that the "control" shouldn't be with Nesta just cause she's the eldest. She's also traumatized and coping with unhealthy methods.

Here's where my opinion might be controversial. (Disclaimer, I'm definitely for the sisters being the centre of this story and their relationship being key but I don't think that's the reality of what sjm wrote)

I think it's easy to see from the meeting in acomaf right up to the reason for the "intervention" that Feyre considers the IC equal or more important than her sisters.

That's fine, whatever, it's her life.

But she did something way worse.

Nesta has no choice if the "choice" is do what I want or suffer. That is called the Illusion of Choice. It's not real, it's coercion.

Feyre should not have offered that false choice. She should have simply cut Nesta off. That's her right (doesn't matter if we think it's morally correct or not)

If it embarrassed her so much why didn't she quietly ask Rhys to stop giving Nesta money?

But she insisted on using her political and financial advantage to dictate how Nesta should live. Control is Feyre's coping mechanism, yes, but when combined with her power over Nesta's physical, financial and political well being? That becomes abuse, whether she means to or not.

And I think you're right, in the end Feyre ends up regressing the progress she and Nesta have made because she realises she has nothing else to control in the Night Court.

She owes too much to Rhysand for them to be equals. She is hundreds of years younger than everyone else. She is still mostly uneducated and under qualified. Everyone has a role with real, direct influence except her so in a subconscious panic Feyre decides she much control her "household"

So all over again we are suddenly back in the literal first pages of acotar where Feyre is trying to dictate Nesta's life - no matter how justified she might think she is.

I think Feyre would be lost without her sisters, Nesta in particular, because suddenly the purpose she had built her identity around "saving and protecting" no longer exists.

Maybe that's also why she got pregnant so young. She needs someone to look after and she's the youngest person in the books so only her own literal child would work.

It's probably also why there was such importance on her hunting and none on what Elain and Nesta did. Because otherwise she would have to face the fact that she wasn't the sole reason her family survived and again this role of caregiver and protector will crumble.

Of course Feyre hunted and fed her family. Of course she saved Tamlin and Prythian and defended the Rainbow.

But now the war is over and she has no core identity. She doesn't know how to help as HL, she just walks around hears sad stories and gets things for free.

Anyways it's actually sad Feyre is so lost. I wonder if sjm is gonna have her sit back for the next books now that she has a baby

#anon asks #anti feyre #but not really #anti sjm #anti acosf #pro nesta #but not really x2

[the-whispers-of-death]

"reader doesn't follow boxer!stone into the locker rooms afterwards" my heart... ive just woken up and see that how dare you hurt me at 6am in my own home

so so so giddy over all of that tho and it raises a TON of questions as well. like, for example, would they have even been friends before that? or are they just workplace crushes?? i very clearly see reader now just avoiding any public appearances for a WHILE. bro probably cant open social media w/o being blasted w posts about it. maybe hes rejecting press interviews, guest appearances on shows, all that, because all they'd probably talk about is a) the kiss b) his sexuality, which i would presume was proooobably a well kept secret until that moment. hm.

but what does stone do. like. how does one react to that sort of impulsive decision. i doubt either of them *regret* it, but maybe can agree there was a better time and place for all of that

oh god imagine the talk between them both that goes down after this. HORRID. its a very very delicate thing to handle and they both know it

or maybe utterly worst case scenario, reader quits working with him. too much public attention over such a minor thing. sure the job probably pays well but is it realky worth the 'scandal' that the public makes it out to be? i know i would definetly become a damn hermit if this happened.

or maybe he enjoys and revels in the attention. "yeah *i* got to kiss him in front of all of you. thats *my* man, hell yeah !!!!! maybe he uses this sudden exposure to his advantage. i mean, its like a sales strat they *could* experiment with. or not. i dunno

~ love, a very much so half-awake rusty

CW: Angst

"Are you finally done ignoring me?" Stone asked, appearing beside you before you could scurry away from him like you've been doing for the past few days. He crossed his burly arms against his chest. "We need to talk."

You swallowed down the lump in your throat, nodding. "We do need to talk, about the kiss," you replied, sounding nervous. You weren't a nervous guy, usually, but you also weren't the type of man to kiss his best boxer. "Look, the kiss was because of the adrenaline, it meant nothing."

Stone held back his frown, feeling the hurt settle into his chest at the way you so easily dismissed the kiss he had initiated. "What?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"It was nothing, Stone," you insisted. It had to be nothing, he was your best boxer. You couldn't date him and risk losing your best boxer in case the relationship failed. "The kiss was due to the high of the moment. It's not going to change anything."

"I like you," Stone blurted out, his voice softer than usual. He stepped closer, towering over you like always. He looked so hopeful that you felt the same way. "I can't sleep without imagining you beside me, I ache for you. It was not nothing to me. I meant all of the emotions I poured into that kiss. You can't say you don't feel the same way too."

You did feel the same way too, you did. But the professional in you, the one who loved having a star boxer, pushed down your feelings. You couldn't let this get out of control like it had that fated night.

He'd get over it, you thought to yourself, even if this was going to hurt him.

Your eyes narrowed. "No, Stone. I don't feel the same." The lie felt bitter on your tongue, but you pushed through the discomfort. "You're nothing more than my prized boxer to me. You always will be. You're just a boxer."

Stone took a step back from you, physically recoiling from the wave of hurt that hit him like a ton of bricks. His brown eyes kept searching your face for a hint of you lying, but you had schooled your expression too well.

He couldn't tell you were lying. And that fact made his expression shut down, turning cold and stoic like always.

"Of course," he murmured, his voice so cold like always. "I'm going to go wash up."

With those words, he turned on his heel and walked to the locker room. He ensured no one else was in the locker room before he let a sob tear from his throat, pressing his back against the wall and sliding down to crumple onto the ground.

Stupid, he told himself, I was stupid for thinking anyone would love me.

Reblogs are welcomed & appreciated! Asks are open, feel free to pop in and talk or request something! (SFW requests only, please and thank you)

#tyler's asks #tyler's inbox #tyler answers asks #answering asks #asks #task force 141 oc #call of duty oc #cod oc #task force 141 oc: stone #call of duty oc: stone #cod oc: stone #cod oc x reader #cod oc x male reader #oc x reader #oc x male reader #male oc x reader #male oc x male reader #stone x reader #stone x male reader #boxer!stone #coach!reader #tw angst #angst #oh this hurt to write #rusty anon #:)

[lostinvasileios]

hi silo! i was wondering if you could help me out on what shadow work is? ive always been scared to start it out and i dont want to disapoint my deities, i also cant buy those shadow work books i see on tiktok :(

tia for your time <3

Listen to me carefully, okay honey?

You are not disappointing anybody.

Doing shadow work is an incredibly brave thing to decide to do. It's personal and complex for everyone. So, trying to get into it, makes your deities proud, I believe. It takes courage.

You don't need a fancy book to do shadow work, believe it or not! Shadow work, in my own words, is more so self exploration. Self acceptance. You can do that by simply coming to terms with something that's been bothering you, letting go of a grudge and figuring out why it bothered you, or made you hold a grudge at all.

It's a question game. While it is scary at first, it's worth it.

I grew up in a household that was not communicative. I struggled with communication for so long, I was scared to communicate at all, really.

But I looked at it from a different perspective. I asked myself about all the things I'd gain from healing the thorns around my communication skills. I asked myself if I was ready to do so.

That's very important, bee. You should ask yourself if you're ready for shadow work, and all the ups and downs it may bring. You don't want to throw yourself into it. While you can, it might just knock you off your feet for a moment depending on what you've been through and whatnot.

And it might take days, weeks, or even longer to truly figure out if you're ready to feel healed. And don't be afraid to ask for your deities help. Lay down boundaries, ask for help or company from them on your shadow work journey. It'll all be okay. You've got this.

#mother witch advice #witch advice #witchblr #beginner witch #witchcraft #witch

[itsmehemma]

I have a request for a Kent Fisher headcanon:

Kent x trans reader!

The reader feeling heavy dysphoria and hating their body to the point they cant look at themselves in the mirror. And Kent comforting them.

I hope you consider my request , thank you!

of course! I haven’t come across much content with a trans! reader, so this is exciting to write!

⋄°∙✧ 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐊𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐱 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬! 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

• I’ll try to keep this as gender neutral as possible !! :)

• Okay, so you’re trans. You’re passing, so people don’t necessarily question your gender. Only close friends and family know.

• You met Kent through a mutual friend, and you both ended up hitting it off, talking, joking, and hanging out.

• You we’re the first one to catch feelings. Kent just made you feel like you could be yourself, and he wouldn’t judge you for it. He made you feel appreciated and loved. Divina picked up on this, and urged you to tell him how you felt. It took a lot of convincing from Divina until you caved in.

• Telling Kent was nerve wrecking, to say the least. He didn’t that you were trans, and you had to explain that before you asked him. Nervously, you met up behind the greenhouse to have a little talk. Kent took it better than what you expected. He was a bit surprised, but didn’t necessarily care. In his eyes you were just you, and he was content with that.

• When you finally asked, Kent said yes with no hesitation. Why wouldn’t he date you? You were an amazing person, always kind and ready to help others. You were incredibly charming and talkative.

• At the start of your relationship, both of you still acted the same as before to one another, with the occasional hand holding or kiss on the back of the hand. You wanted to take it slow, and Kent respected that. Waiting was worth it if he got to be with you.

• As you began to open up to him more, Kent began to notice subtle things about you. You would often wear baggy clothes, and cringed whenever you passed by a mirror. You covered your face with your hands whenever you took a picture, and you often had puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. He knew something was up, and he was going to find out one way or another.

• Kent set up a small operation, where he would bring you small gifts and compliment you every time he saw you. (you were his “beautiful pearl,” as he nicknamed you) He didn’t want to intrude and make you feel pressured to tell him anything, and you didn’t mind the extra attention from your loving boyfriend.

• Kent would eventually find out, having walked in on you crying, your face in your hands, and your mirror covered hastily by a towel. He was taken aback by this, but shut the door and rushed over to comfort you.

• He would gently ask what was wrong, and if he had to go deal with someone for you. When you told him that you felt disgusted with yourself, he refused to believe it. To Kent, you were by far the most attractive and amazing person he had ever met. He literally worshiped the ground you walked on.

• Kent would reassure you that no matter what, you were absolutely, one hundred percent, perfect, no matter what. He would pull you into a warm embrace, and let you cry it out as he gently stroked your hair.

• After that encounter, Kent began to take notice whenever you began to feel uncomfortable. He’d quickly excuse both of you, lead you ti your dorm, shut the door, and put on a movie, allowing you to change into whatever makes you feel comfortable, while getting you your favorite snacks.

• Kent would remind you that you’re amazing, and that he’s willing to take care of you no matter what.

• Honestly, this guy just gives me the feels :,))

• authors note: no matter what, you’re perfect, and no matter what they say, don’t you ever forget it. you are loved, even if you don’t know it or doubt it for whatever reason. you are a wonderful being with a beautiful aura, and you deserve anything good that comes your way. it can take a while for you to realize it, as it did to me. even if no one says it, you are cared for, and you are appreciated in whatever you do. never forget that.🤍

#wednesday #kent fisher #kent wednesday #nevermore #headcanons #i am so tired #kent x reader #siren song #trans reader #gender neutral y/n

[princesstillyenna]

NONIFICATION OF THE BAD PENGUIN WHO DIDN'T NONIFY THEMSELVES:

Hello 👋

For the Fanfic Writer Ask Meme M & U, please, and thank you 😊

M: What’s the weirdest AU scenario you’ve ever come up with?  Did it turn into a story?

Weirdest? IDK. I don't tend to come up with AUs. I have some notes for an AU where Dylan Strome is a girl? That's not so weird though because uh, Dylan Strome??? Let me go check the notes nonny.... Although lbr, an AU where the nyr are all secretly into kink and fuck each other into the team? That's quite weird. But no, back to the UNWRITTEN IDEAS DOCUMENT. The AU where the only reason Tony DeAngelo is nice to Mika is because he doesn't realise he isn't white... because swedish = white in his head. Amazing. Dumb dumb DUMB boy. I just didn't really have anymore than that? Actually no, y'know what, it's not even that. It's the following. And I will copy and paste WORD FOR WORD my fic notes from my fic documents (and yes, all of my fic notes read like this) Medieval AU, Teeks is like 3rd inline to the throne, important enough to make a political marriage, but not so important that it doesn’t matter that his future wife can’t have kids Arranged marriage between him and Nolanne Patrick who is the only daughter of a super rich merchant family. They’re like, yes, we can give the crown a massive dowry for this bitch, but she can’t have children. PLOT TWIST IT’S BECAUSE SHE’S A DUDE IN A DRESS They don’t consummate their marriage, and TK is like secretly wondering if it’s because Nolanne has an STD, but he doesn’t say anything, and she’s super shy, so he mostly is like. Ok, whatevs. This was always for the money, and I’m hella gay anyway. Whatevs. And then NP walks in on TK having sex with Laws, and is all, ohhhhhh oh I didn’t realise he was into dude. (TK was totally bottom btw, because he was) and then he’s all like, HOW DO I TELL HIM I’M  A DUDE. I JUST CANT But then they’re hunting, or out riding or whatever and Nolly gets injured which is sad, but it’s a super high up in the groin injury that needs dealing with IMMEDIATELY. So TK is all like, I know you don’t like me seeing you naked, but like YOU’RE DYING and THIS IS NOT WORTH DYING OVER. So GET THOSE PETTICOATS OUT THE WAY And Nolly’s like, fine, just don’t hate me or whatever. So TK moves the petticoats and SURPRISE! COCK! And he’s all like I NEED TO SAVE YOU but also OMG I WANT YOU. But he focuses mostly on the saving. And is all like, when you’re recovered, we’re talking about this. So Nolly explains that his family have like a million sons, and no daughters, and like, they really wanted this. So they just made me be a girl. And, honestly, I’m quite believable, and I’m queer anyway, so whatevs. And TK is like, hey, wanna consummate our marriage? Nolly: Can I top? TK: I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.

IT'S THAT ONE. BUT THEN AGAIN IN THAT DOCUMENT I HAVE NOTES ABOUT WHICH HOCKEY PLAYERS ARE EQUIVILENT TO WHICH MLP CHARACTERS SO THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING OUT THERE??????? ok back to the questions. What even was the next one? U: Is there a pairing you would like to write, but haven’t tried yet. Oooooh I like this question. i keep meaning to write some hockey sibcest but I haven't written any yet. Maybe Jack/Quinn, or Dylan/Ryan. Tryna think if there's any other hockey pairings that I like reading that I haven't written yet? MattDrai in their own right? OHHHH COLE AND MARTY ST LOUIS VERY MUCH. Basically cole and and old man that there is. Cole and an old dude. Cole and Santa.... oh wait no, I wrote that already.

#tilly writes #ask game #answering asks out of order because i get excited

[dspdick]

hello everyone. i hope you have some snacks on you because i have yet another thing to rant about. fortunately it isn’t about the bunch of idiots i have the misfortune of calling classmates, instead it’s the cursed place where i chose to continue my education. let’s yell about university.

for starters, i would like to point out that this is an expensive university. like. 900€/month expensive. i get to pay almost half of it because i have a discount due to my high school grades, but you have to keep it up during your stay in college and once it’s taken away you can’t ask for it again.

given the exorbitant price every single of its students is paying, you would think that my class would be in a decent building. wrong. we’re in a prefabricated shitty three-story building in the other side of campus from our labs. because medicine students have their own simulation clinics and the business students get a bajillion brick buildings but fuck the genetics kids amiright?

speaking of labs. the installations are cool and all but the materials need a serious upgrade. I CANT DO A PROPER GEL ELECTROPHORESIS IF THE MICROPIPETTE DOES THE EQUIVALENT OF A DRIVING NEWBIE WITH A MANUAL CAR. also the ph-meters are the bane of my existence and me the bane of theirs.

also. the lab practices are four hours long. which wouldn’t be too bad if they didn’t make us start them at three or four pm when we’ve been in classes from eight or ten am. yes i spend close to twelve hours on campus on lab weeks yes they also pretend that we have time to study.

BY THE WAY. OH MY GOD. studying. i know it’s necessary. but i have EIGHT SUBJECTS THIS SEMESTER. EIGHT. students in other universities have less subjects per year. one of them is a lab subject and we have a fuckin. oral and practical exam. ITS A LAB SUBJECT?? WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THE PROCEDURES AND WHY EVERYTHING IS DONE PLUS DO A NiCE LaB nOTeBoOk. SUCK MY DICK.

that and the fact that i not only have science subjects but also philosophy, communication and fucking BUSINESS. yes they’re useful but i frankly haven’t seen a subject with a worse organization than my philosophy class. and on top of that my business teacher just keeps sending projects and questions. maam your class is worth three credits. be grateful i do an effort to get out of bed and spend two and a half bitchass hours to listen to you yap about ip and business life cycles at eight thirty in the morning on a friday.

and now that i mention this, i still can’t believe we’ll have to do 50 mandatory hours of volunteer work next year. yay for volunteer work, i’ve done before and it’s amazing. but you can’t expect someone who spends 10+ hours in college regularly to do the same amount of time as people who only have 3 to 4 hours of class per day.

the worst part of all is the fact that our degree supervisor just expects us to act like phd students or some shit. she literally told to the class presidents that “we can’t expect to have compromises and extracurriculars outside of university. we have to focus on our college life”. this is our first year. i don’t even want to think about how we’ll be treated from now on.

and i guess this is why im so scared. i like genetics. love it, even, when applied to things i enjoy and not a clinical environment. but i want to live my life and be able to truly rest and enjoy and not want to kill myself constantly over the amount of workload that we have to deal with.

i don’t know if i’m going to drop out or keep going but all my options are bleak. either i continue and somehow survive college enough time to get my degree without having killed myself, or i drop out. and from there i have more options. a) immediately switching to a different college and/or undergrad, b) taking an off year and changing my undergrad.

i don’t even know what i’m going to do. i’m exhausted on all the levels a human can be tired and i have no idea if i have it in me to keep going or just take the easy out.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

heya im like. looking for advice or comfort or whatever

so i have npd right? the problem is, due to how npd Is, its not really a thing a person would want to go through the process of getting properly diagnosed. so, i have npd but not a diagnosis. im not looking for one, because i know what i am and a diagnosis wouldnt help me anyways

i brought it up with my therapist, and she cant seem to accept that im right about it. its not a "lets say you have" its a "you have" type of situation. i know i have npd, i fit all of the diagnostic criteria, my experiences resonate with diagnosed pwNPD, their experiences resonate with me and even then, i know in my BONES that i have npd. everything i do points in some way to npd- a lot of previous actions of mine make a lot more sense when you look at it through the lense of Me Having NPD. and despite this, she seems to really like Not Listening To Me regarding it. so i had a tiny little bit of a mental breakdown in the session and it sucked and i still feel like shit about it and im kinda scared to go back to that therapist cause like. fuck, man, i dont want an echo chamber i want a therapist who will LISTEN to me and accept that im RIGHT about something. i KNOW im right about this so why cant she just!! fucking listen to me!!!!

and like its made even worse because ive been right about other stuff in the past regarding my own (mental) health and AGAIN people DIDNT LISTEN TO ME. and i was RIGHT. why cant people even just! fucking entertain the idea that i could be right about something! how difficult could it possibly be to recognise that i know what im fucking talking about it!! every diagnostic criteria is there!! the behaviour is there!!! the experiences are there!!! the trauma is there!!! so why are you so fucking intent on NOT believing me on the ONE THING i KNOW for a FACT is going on!!!! fuck you!!!!! (not at any of the mods of course just. god. fuck. i dont know how to articulate anything better than that im so fucking pissed man. its not a "i might have this" its a "I HAVE THIS. WITHOUT FUCKING QUESTION. BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO ME ENOUGH TO GIVE ME A DIAGNOSIS" and i am just so. so tired)

-june . just so i can find this again. thanks

Hi june,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I can imagine how invisible you must feel to be ignored and disbelieved, as well as how this feeling might be amplified by NPD. Please know that you deserve to have people in your life that listen to you, support you, and believe you, especially your therapist.

I know that many therapists like to steer away from pathologization but there are far more appropriate approaches. It sounds like you've tried to confront her about this previously but she has not been receptive. I know the process of finding therapists is not easy, but just consider that you don't deserve to have a therapist that refuses to recognize what you would like to address.

I think it might also be worth doing some self-reflection on what a diagnosis would mean for you, because it sounds like you hold multiple beliefs around that. On one hand, you say that you're not looking for a diagnosis and that it wouldn't help you. On the other hand, you expressed how nobody listens to you enough to get a diagnosis, despite having said you wouldn't want one. It can be validating for a professional to affirm that you have this disorder, but it can come with some added stigma. It also doesn't necessarily affect a therapeutic treatment plan, as a therapist can create one tailored for NPD without a professional diagnosis. There are different pros and cons to a diagnosis, especially for a disorder as stigmatized as NPD, so it could be worth thinking more about.

If anyone would like to add on, feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw ableism #tw sanism #june #npd

[nerves-nebula]

was wonderinv who to ask then saw ur poston art school and went . yo!

anyway can i ask hows art school? like . is it worth it?? whats the experience and everything like + do u regret ur decision to go there? (dont feel forced to answer any of these) (for context + incase it wasn’t obvious ive been wanting and thinking of going to one if ever given the chance)

Oh man, where to start. Well first of all some of the main reasons to go to art school are the resources and the connections.

If you wanna get into furniture for example, that’s a lot easier if you have access to a whole workshop with tons of different saws. I’ve learned to use three different book binders as well as done hand binding myself, which is great fun for me but idk how I’ll make money out of that.

The thing is that depending on your major/department, a lot of the stuff you do in art school you could theoretically do on your own as well. So if you think you have enough willpower to make your own schedule and find your own resources then I’d say do that, and work on building your portfolio so you can show it off if you ever get the chance. especially if you don’t really have the money for college (I’m incredibly lucky to have someone help me cuz otherwise I’d be screwed)

If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to go to college at the time of me applying. I was kind of interested in learning how to wrap cars, and I wanted to take a course in that, if you can believe it. but all of my parents kids have to go to college no matter what (as in my mom forced me to apply to college and then sent me off like “I can’t help you pay for college btw good luck!”) so it was inevitable that I was going to go to an art school. which is fine because i've also always kind of wanted to go to a school, i was just stressed about not being able to afford it haha.

THEN there's what kind of art school you're going to. I'm at one of the most prestigious fine arts schools in the USA, because though I got admitted to others, I couldn't afford to go to others. the one I'm at offered the most money, because they could afford to. Idk what I'm gonna do with this degree but im in graphic design rn so I'll probably do something in that field. and it helps that the name of my school is renowned.

but if you, say, want to get into animation you're probably going to NEED to go to an art school. even if you cant get into an animation school specifically, any art school at all is better than none when it comes to animation (I think, idk for sure i'm not interested in animation as a job. my friend is tho so maybe I'll ask him)

now, HOW is art school? WELL. I've heard this isn't uncommon, but the first year was literally actual torture. it was really really bad. it made me more suicidal than I'd been since I was 12 and it ALSO made me start cutting for the first time ever. but I survived it, and the second year was way better! (if still stressful) the first year is for where they try to kill you, and the second year is where they go "haha just kidding ok lets get into what you want to know" at least that's how it is at where I am.

DESPITE the pain, and despite how even now I'm anxious about going back, I don't regret it at all. I really like my classmates and I love my professors. I love a lot of the work I've done and the skills I've learned. I liked living on campus and being so close to all that Art Stuff, even if i was too tired all the time to ever go out to any of the events.

plus on a more personal level, anywhere is better than living with my parents. so even if it was hellish the first year, i'm at least happy that i got things done and i wasn't wasting away at home with my mom.

hope that answers all your questions :)

#nnstuff #ask #art college

[hikari-ni-naritai]

How do you manage to enjoy shows with a lot of like, unavoidable problems? I've seen your posts about the like, cool creativity and such in middling isekai, and I want to appreciate stuff like that too, but I usually can't get myself to ignore the worse parts. How do you do it?

i mean it depends on what you mean by 'problems'. if you mean like, bad writing, that i cant offer any advice on because i have never had a discerning eye. in fact, watching isekai is kinda what taught me to notice when something was bad. before id think things were either really good or just enjoyable and okay. im teaching myself the discernment i lack. but crucially, that is all in my head. in my heart i still very much enjoy things that arent very good because like. i can put good taste in my head but it doesnt mean i feel it in my heart.

but if you mean like 'the problematic elements'. that is an entirely different question. and im not sure im qualified to answer it, really, since i grew up with 'problematic elements' being that something was like. not christian. i dropped that obviously but i didnt exactly like, swap it out for anything. so my aversion to problematic elements is just kinda mostly gone.

but like. a lot of it is that like, i recognize that the media i consume is not a statement on my political beliefs, and i have a very firm foundation for my morality. yes its morally reprehensible for an isekai to portray slavery as like. A Good Thing For These Girls Actually, but Emily doesnt believe slavery is good. so if a girl in an anime is perfectly happy dressing like a maid and being some guys slave, that has no effect on what i believe in real life. if an isekai portrays the monarchist nobility as a good and necessary institution, that doesnt affect Emily's belief that monarchy is dogshit and nobility is double dogshit. if sousou no frieren's depiction of demons as mimicry predators of humans is fascist because it creates an ontologically evil Other that looks like humans yet is incapable of true emotion and needs to be wiped out, that doesnt affect Emily's belief in the intrinsic value of all human life and the fact that genocide is extremely fucking evil.

so like. figure out what you believe and why you believe it, recognize problematic elements in media, and dont let them affect your beliefs. if your problem is that people will think youre a bad person for watching something, understand that those people dont dictate your beliefs either.

but also yknow, a lot of it is the fact that nobody's complaining about these things bc theyre not popular. nobody's discoursing about black summoner, nobody's bitching about smartphone isekai, nobody's discussing karakara. its a lot harder to enjoy things when youre hearing discourse about them constantly. it feels safer to draw your own conclusions, even if those conclusions are 'this is a problematic representation of this thing'. theres no pressure to hate it for its faults bc nobody gives a shit except you. yknow?

anyway theres still lines i dont like to cross, like i hate watching shows with sexual assault or severe bullying, but thats only bc it makes me uncomfortable to watch, not bc i think theres anything wrong with depicting it in art.

if you choose to try and change this about yourself, i wish you the best of luck! it takes time and will probably be uncomfortable, but personally i think its worth it.

[khalidplsstfu]

To Be Loved Is To Be Changed

It's kinda hard to belive that quote is attributed to a random twitter user. It's even harder to believe that it's true. Every couple of months, something happens to me that alters the way my brain works, maybe forever and i never really talk about it. The situation in this post is one of those situations.

A large percent of my 2023 was spent missing an ex- girlfriend. Very cliche, but also very painful. I questioned everything about the relationship, but mostly the part i played in it's disintegration. The ways in which i failed to be the lover and friend my ex needed was very heavy on my mind. which was weird because i literally never think about ways i failed. but that time spent reflecting on the days I spent being as unperturbed and unaware of my girlfriends feelings as a mostly homeless young man can be left me with me with something resembling an answer.

The reality was that like most men in my life, i put the emotions of those i care about on the back burner in favor of the results I wanted to see. Probably in an effort to protect my emotional self which had almost been beaten to numbness by a tramuatic childhood and young adult life. It's a practice i learned to use on myself, and then spread to other people as some type of barometer of how worth my time they are. Is it kind? Does it make everyone feel seen or heard? No. Did it save me from cold ravolii cans and nights using a bathroom handwarmer to stay warm? Yes.

This hardened dedication to my goals and absolute withdrawl from my emotional self without a doubt saved my life. It saved me from being a vagrant loser, another man who depends on the blessings of others to sustain his own life. But closing that door to how i felt had disatorious effects on my relationship, as i wasn't just closing the door to how I felt, but to FEELINGS in general.

"But that was then" I told myself. "Surely, with all the books i read, all the podcast and lectures and interviews with feminist rants i've consumed, i'm more ready to feel and be felt than ever. More ready to hear and be heard" At the time I was working at a shoe store where my closest thing to a work friend was a middle aged white woman who hated her husband and complained about him every chance she got. Which I gave her many, because learning from a old dude's mistakes is a big part of being a young dude. Anyway, the advice from my work buddy was very concise.

"contact her and let her know how you feel. It's the only way you'll know if she feels the same. and you'll regret it if you don't"

advice that good cant be ignored, especially if you kinda wanna do the thing you're seeking advice about anyway. so i did it. i wrote my greatest love letter ever. i was vunerable. caring. apologetic. everything i thought i was supposed to be. And surprisingly it worked. So well we hung out that night.

But something was diffrent this time. something that makes me feel that dark feeling in the pit of my stomach even as i write. The feeling that I was being mislead. being made a fool of. Too many quickly hidden phone screens and vauge answers. But like every other man, I was a fool. I said " I do not see" I was ready to bare the horror of trusting another human being with my emotions. If trust was a part of love, i was all in. After all, a life without love isnt much of a life at all.

Somehow, in my infinite stupidity, i decided to use some of my disposable income to celebrate her birthday. This was a decision so stupid i routinely beat myself up about it inside the safety of my mind. A decision so stupid the khalid that orginally met the girl in question simply would've never done it.

"Why would i spend money on a girl i barely trust" 19 year old khalid would say. And honestly that kid knew more than i'd give him credit for. But with our focus re-established, i decided to spend her birthday this year showing her how much she meant to me. I planned a day and fully funded it with the last decent check that shoestore would give me. I got two dinners and two tickets to the worst aquariam dallas has to offer and 7 grams of weed for us to smoke. All in preparation for what was a absoloutely horrible day.

Like most horrible days, this one started off relatively normal. I got high and dressed and mentally prepared to pay the debt i owe someone who i've loved for years. she showed up and was as beautiful as she always is and I started us on our way.

In all honesty the day remanined pretty good until we left the aquariam. At which point we lost the car so we couldn't return for a quick smoke after we ate. Frustrating, but instead of lumping my frustration on her i just tried to focus up and find the car. There was a very noticeable frustrated silence while we looked for the car but eventually we did find it. we smoked. and headed to applebees.

applebees. my home away from home. the home of the 4 dollar pint on friday night. in all honesty the perfect place to have your lifelong perspective altered forever, its almost like a fighting game stage in the way there's just limitless oppurtunity to see things you've never seen before. And that warm day in august, that's exactly what I saw.

In order for the events that happened that day, at that applebee's table to make sense to you dear reader, i have to provide context. Not to suck my own dick or anything, but im not a dude who just started getting pussy a week ago. I've been blessed enough to have a face that allows me to expirence the female form in a somewhat consistent way. Saying that to say, i know what it's like to be around good women. And shifty ones. And as me and my ex were having a beautiful day at that applebees table, I saw the shifty woman trademark. the ol "silence the phone and pretend they didn't see"

Now in the moment, i was salty. I felt a whole relationship's worth of mistrust and self consciousness flow through me. she kept trying to talk to me, and i tried my best to respond, but i felt like a dweeb the whole time. After all who was I in that moment? Paying for a date for a girl hiding her phone from you? Planning a day around someone not named Khalid or Khalid Jr? Putting myself in a position to see myself in these ways? what was i ?

I was changed. My first love made me a changed man.

To make a long story short, I've never been on a worse date in my life. I have to be honest and say that I found myself fighting back tears at more than one point. "You've gone soft. This would've never happened to you in 2020. Couple months alone and you lose your spine?" and more and more all played in my head as i sat in silence. At a table at one of my favorite establishments, with what i thought was the person that understood me the most, i felt completely alone. and that was enough to make me cry without being on drugs.

I don't remember how the rest of the day went exactly. I remember making a beeline for my home. saying my goodbyes. overwhelming dread. wanting privacy I couldn't have because i live in an apartment with one too many people. I remember her texting me, accosting me for my behavior. And i remember one sentence more vividly than anything she's ever said to me.

"You know, i don't really owe you anything" she says.

I was blown away. we'd spent days in love. nights looking out for each other. shared our dreams. our fears. the intricacies of our family relationships. young summers spent stealing time with each other. I felt I owed her so much. She took the time to try and see me in a way nobody else cared to. I spent so much time rationalizing her feelings. trying to empathize. and for what? did we owe each other anything? i didn't recognize the author of the messages i was reading. That was the moment that I realized that it didn't just happen to me. My love had changed her as well. I had given her the experience nesscary to guard her emotions and she had taught me to let my guard down. I don't know who made who worse. I'm scared to know in all honesty.

The story ends with me thanking her for the oppurtunity to "get her out of my system" and going about my way. I think about her often. My first love. I wish I could go back to 2019 and tell myself to make sure to enjoy every moment of her i'd have before it turns into dust. Nowadays every girl is like the new verision of my ex i met last year. Now I wonder did love make them that way as well, and if any of us can ever be saved.

#love #and #love-like #feelings