#and i didn't want to risk not completing it

[dawnoftime22]

all the things I shouldn't.

| W.M -> N.R

Undeserving of a Love Like Yours, Chapter 9

Chapter Warnings: sleeping problems, this chapter somehow contains going to sleep three times in detail and R raving over sea animals (aka me writing and raving about sea animals) half not proofread

Summary: After dealing with the appearance of a memory you once thought had been long gone once ago, you get a message from the redhead, asking to go out once more.

Series Summary: When you're stuck in a complete hole of confusion and hurt with the one you thought you loved most, a certain redhead finds her way into your life.

Word Count: 6.3k

Category: Fluff! (teensy hurt/comfort)

A/N: I feel like I'm making these way too long? but the chapter would feel like it has holes without it having the small little details so :') just tuck yourself in cozily and enjoy<3

Series Playlist

| Started on 13/04/2024, 1:39 PM |

| Finished on 29/04/2024, 12:26 AM |

Masterlist | Series Masterlist | N.R Masterlist

<- Chapter 8

"take the risk. who knows what lies ahead of your path?"

|——————————— ⴵ ———————————|

-- a week later...

The bedroom was bright from the open windows, air flowing in naturally through the space. It was quiet, other than from the distant gentle snoring of Kate sleeping in the living room, your door being mindlessly open.

You were not in bed, but reorganizing your closet, having gotten home from the mall with Kate and some new clothes. The gentle fabric of each shirt brushed against your skin with your touch.

There were music playing in your ears, making you nod your head slightly to the beat and hum, making sure not to sing too loud or something so you wouldn't wake up the sleeping archer.

You were about to finish up, but a box in the corner of your vision catches your eye. Just above all the clothes.

It had been sitting there for days, yet you somehow hadn't noticed until now. It was brought with you when you arrived, but you didn't put much thought to it, thinking it was just your old belongings.

Upon closer inspection with a step forward, you knew it wasn't the box you were supposed to grab. You push open the closet door further, then push yourself on your tip-toes to reach it. With the pull of your fingers, it soon goes into your hold.

The top was slightly dusty, so you brush it off with your hand, about to open it, but then taking a pause to sneeze. Your face contorts into a slight grimace as your eyes trail up, tilting your head so you can peek to see if Kate woke up.

The only movement visible was Lucky shifting slightly in his own sleep, while Kate had her arm hanging off the side of the couch, Lucky's fur just tickling her hand. She was still asleep.

With a soft sigh of relief, you look back down on the box. There was nothing written down on it anywhere, so it only made your curiosity grow.

You walk to your bed, opting to place it on there. It made sounds of clunking and was just a teensy bit heavy. When your fingertips gently grasp the lid, you hesitate, but go in for the dive anyway.

Once it was opened, your eyes widen slightly, and it confirmed your suspicions of it not being yours. Or...half yours. Inside, held stacks of custom CDs, writing, and paper on the cases and within them. Some, not even having anything but a case.

Your heart raced as you read some of the writing, but you try your best to ignore it. Beside all the CDs sat an old portable player, one that was yours. Technically you didn't get the wrong box, but you were supposed to only grab the cd player.

A flicker of your eyes makes you stare at the discs once more. It was nearly getting to your nerves with how much she was following you around. But...something about it only wanted you to linger.

You shouldn't play one.

Yet, you couldn't help but grab one of the cases and open it. The writing was on the disc for this one. Blue marker on the front with a smiley face. It wrote, 'Roadtrips!' and your initial with Wanda. The disc had rainbow rays, reflecting back light from whichever way you angled it.

The lid of the player opens with a bit of fiddling, and you insert the CD. With the earphones plugged in and placed in your ear, you click play.

...Nothing.

You check the player, flipping it and clicking play again.

Ah, the batteries. Too bad, you should just turn around now by putting it back and never touch the box again. Yes? No, instead your eyes catch exactly two batteries, hiding between the cds and the wall of the box.

The world was tempting and teasing you, its almost making you crazy. Your hand reaches in and grabbed them to then place them into the battery compartment.

A breath goes out from your lips, your fingertip atop the button before you press on it. The white noise and the sound of the disc moving quietly sounded out.

As the starting melody played, it was like a knife first poked at your chest, then utterly, slowly, goes in to stab your heart.

This one, you would sing at the top of your lungs with her while you were in the car, going anywhere in the world. Just you, and her, and nothing else mattered. God, you missed those moments.

Your fingertips traced the others, moving them with a few noises as it hit against one another. The others, baking...dancing, some albums...and just playlists of songs you both loved, mixed together. What were you doing?

Quickly, you pull out your earphones, making it fall down to the bed. The music was now distant, quiet. But realizing you could still even hear it, you pause it.

A breath you didn't even know you were holding left your lungs. You shouldn't have done that. When you heard some sounds from the living room, you try to be fast with putting everything back in the box except for the player.

But the movement was only Lucky, your eyes watching him pad off to his bowls in the view of the doorway.

Your eyes falter of any panic and your shoulders relax as you went to store the box of memories back in the closet.

A few steps took you to your door, leaning yourself against the frame to peek and see if Kate was still sleeping. She was indeed. You supposed she had gotten tired, either from laughing, joking and simply having fun, or she was exhausted from doing her archery practices and going out with you.

Nonetheless, you check the time, having noticed the windows showing the sky going into a gradient, and the clouds evaporating.

It was 7:15 PM. You nibbled on your lip as you thought it over. You'll deal with everything else later. The task of organizing of your closet was finished anyway.

You close the bedroom door with a gentle shut, turning back around to face your room and go fall into the comfort of your bed.

As time went by, a yawn from you passes with it, and you switched your position all you could, picking up a book, or even tried to focus on your phone, but then you give up on everything and just decided to simply lay against the soft mattress.

Soon enough, your eyes grow heavy, and your vision grew darker. The daylight was also starting to fade away, and it added further to the luring sleepiness. Your fingers curled up and you closed your eyes, slowly falling into deep sleep.

As you were unaware, the sleep that was expected to be a few minutes of a nap, turns to hours, and you didn't even get to see the moon for the day.

Sometime later, you open your eyes in a half-awake state, noticing it was still daytime. Well, to you. It was actually now morning rather than afternoon as you checked your phone. A sigh leaves you.

Your eyes linger on your closed bedroom door. You only curled up further. You don't want to get up yet.

No one had texted, called, or gone in your room, so what's the point? Your tired eyes close once more as your breathing stayed soft, slowly going back to sleep while the house was quiet.

The hand of the clock moves slowly, yet the hours went like nothing as your mind rested.

"Y/N. Hey, you have to wake up." A gentle voice said next to you as you felt a shake on your shoulder. You groan, getting your peaceful time disturbed.

Kate watched as your splayed out arms moved as you shifted yourself to see her for a split second, your eyes barely open.

"What time is it...?" You murmured, the words barely even making sense to Kate, but to you it did.

"What?" She asked softly, confusion obvious in her voice while you yawned, turning to rest your cheek on the bed. She notices the sleepiness in your eyes when your face appears in her view.

"What time...is it?" You repeated slowly, trying to be clearer and raise your volume just a tad more. Your eyelids fell back to a close, too. Kate raises her eyebrows, crossing her arms as her concern grows.

"Its eleven. Come on, wake up, shower." She gestured with her hands, but you couldn't even see her. You made a sound that only convinced Kate it was going to take her more than that to get you to wake up or even get out of bed.

When she waited for a few seconds and you didn't answer or move, she offers with something that could hold more interest. "I'll make some waffles for you. You want some?"

Still, quietness came from you. You've gone back to sleep.

Gently, Kate reaches out and places her hand on your shoulder once more. "Hey." She swipes her thumb in a gentle motion, not wanting you to get mad at her for bothering you or something.

She then sighed softly.

Kate's eyes roam around the room, trying to see what could have possibly made you like this, but found nothing. Maybe you really were just tired. But the afternoon time staring back at her on your clock told her the chance of it being the latter, was starting to go down.

"If you don't get up, you're gonna lose the chance to have some tasty waffles." She says melodically as she leaned one hand on your bed. Her constant talking and gentle movements had you rousing from your sleep, and with the smallest step forward of getting you up, her concerns went lighter, but it was still there.

"...Did you get more messages?" She asked, her tone more serious now. You had a feeling if you didn't answer this time, she might just drag you all the way to the kitchen.

Kate knew about the countless messages from the brunette you once knew. The many times she's said to just block the contact were millions, but you didn't have it in you to lose the connection completely.

You roll over to lay on your back, your arms above your head as you blinked slowly, taking in a breath to come up with a reply. She waited patiently, although her eyebrows were furrowed.

"No, it's..." You trail off quietly with a sigh, your voice groggy from the morning. Kate pauses her thumb's movemensts on your shoulder, and you look at her more properly.

"I don't wanna get up." You go for a half lie. Kate thinks it over. Technically, if she needed to, she could bring a plate to you as you sat in bed, but that would only encourage you to stay in bed further on.

She also didn't want to force anything out of you, so she treaded carefully, but it didn't stop her from her determination to at least pull you out of this thing you entrapped yourself in. Even if its only been a few hours.

"Well, you're gonna have to. Unless you want me to carry you to sit at the dining table." She said plainly, but you didn't budge. The thought to even move slightly felt like a work on your energy.

Kate then slowly took steps backwards, getting farther away from you, and instead closer to the door. "Okay, I'm gonna have waffles without you! The sweet, soft, and crunchy ones that basically melt in your mouth!" She said, slowly turning around.

You shouldn't stay in bed.

And you decided you wouldn't.

"No, wait!" Your voice finally comes out slightly higher in volume than the barely audible one, but with a soft tone.

Kate turns around and raises an eyebrow, a smile playing on her lips. You, on the other hand, pouted.

"...Don't finish without me." You whispered now, and Kate just about heard it, but it still had her smile widening. Her eyes watch you deflate on the bed before you push yourself up with your hands and slowly getting out of bed.

She walks to the kitchen with you following behind her, your fatigue visible within your movements. You hear Lucky's collar clinking gently that came with the brush of his body spinning around your legs.

Kate already had the meals ready, her hands only holding the drinks to place on the dining table. Your hand met Lucky's head for a moment before you join Kate at the table, looking to see what she had.

The plates held waffles with some fruits on the side. At the mere sight, your stomach was already grumbling.

You took your seat, getting comfortable. The plastic chair didn't help much with the ache in your body from sleeping in bed for too long, but the atmosphere of how the sunlight was gently going through the windows while the birds outside made shadows put up a peaceful feeling.

"Here," she hands you a fork, and you took it, about to dig in your meal, but your eyes brightened when you realize she had gotten another fork than only keeping a single one at her apartment, your head turning to look at her.

"Yeah, I got another fork, all your problems are solved now, I know." She said playfully, lightly nudging your shoulder. You giggle, starting on your waffle.

The breakfast-- Or brunch, as it was afternoon, goes smoothly with comforting quietness. You were finishing the last bite of your toast as you had your cheek rested on your other hand, your elbow on the table.

Kate turns off her phone, setting it aside to put her focus on you. She leaned closer to the dining table, looking at you closely.

"Are you sure you've been okay?" She asked gently, scraping the last of her waffle and putting it in her mouth, pulling you out of your spaced out state.

You nod, taking in a breath before responding. "Yeah, it's just a lot on my mind." The words came out like a breath, your eyes fixed on the table as you think it over.

"Well, it won't hurt to share. Come on." She folds her arms, pushing her empty plate forward gently as she waited for you to continue.

The crows ledged on another building within the view of the window cawed, and you stared at it, trying to come up with words while you did so.

"I...met someone," you said quietly, your eyes slowly meeting hers. You decided to give her the more positive news first, not wanting to mention the CDs you found just yet. Kate raises an eyebrow, curious as to it being someone new, or someone the two of you knew.

"Who?" She asked, eager due to your face lightly coming with a reddish tint. If she didn't focus much on your face for the sake of the conversation, she would've thought it was the sunlight.

"She was the person I bumped into when I was on a walk with Lucky...and at the airport," you said slowly and quietly, analyzing the look on Kate's face to then flick your gaze away. She stayed silent as she listened on to you, her mind searching for anything especially significant.

"Her name is Nat. She's...nice..." You shrugged, trying to play it cool as Kate slowly smiled. If you didn't look away, you might've thought to have to comment she looked like the cheshire cat from alice in the wonderland.

Not wanting to share much more with her, knowing she might get too excited, you only said, "And she's cool." You then purse your lips, your eyes going down to your plate.

"Cool? Just cool?" A smug grin replaced the smile growing on her face, but she didn't push further, already satisfied that you were still somewhat open to other people.

"Well, if that's all you're going to say, okay, but I need to know more later." She tilted her head, playing around with her fork and pushing the bit of syrup on her plate.

You nibble on your lips, thinking if you should give her the information you found out earlier, but you also wouldn't want to see it every times you opened the closet.

"I also found a box from Wanda's house I accidentally brought," you started, nearly not wanting to say it as Kate's eyes flickered to you, her form perking up slightly to sit properly. Your eyes flashed a moment of pain at the mention of her name, but it faded away.

"A box?" Her face scrunches up in confusion, trying to remember the day she helped you grab your things out from the car. There was a single box she remembered picking up, but she was unsure if it was the one you were talking about.

She inhales gently, and when you didn't continue, she asked. "What'd it have?" Her face held concern, preparing herself for whatever could be coming next.

"CDs. They're custom...I don't know what to do with them." You let out a gently, and quiet sigh. That mostly explains why you've been in bed for so long. Kate placed her fork back down, looking at you.

"Well, if you don't want them, we can sell them." She suggested with a gesture of her hand, trying to help you get rid of them.

"Or, if they have good songs, give some to me." She said plainly with a shrug, a small smile on her face. You laugh softly, and she thanked everything that you were at least somewhat fine...for now.

"Yeah, it's a good idea. And...I don't know about you holding my ex's old CDs." You narrowed your eyes, to which Kate's eyes widens.

"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to!" She shook her head and moved her hands back and forth, adding to her expression, and you only giggled.

"I'm kidding, you can have some, but just don't play it in front of me." Kate's face and posture relaxes, and a smile wasbon your face as you pushed your chair back and grabbed your plate, going to the kitchen to place it in the sink.

She followed behind you, doing the dishes with you. The rest of the day went by peacefully, laughs shared as the two of you taught Lucky some new tricks.

You've also put up the CDs in a store somewhere with Kate's help, some of them lended to her when she found some of her favorites.

Then days, weeks, turn into months later, filled with small teary nights, movie nights with ice cream, meetups with...the redhead here and there, and your world slowly brightening.

As of late, your mind couldn't help but drift back to the redhead, the memories shared with her that was somehow growing rather than stopping at all.

In a cafe, the two of you sat, enjoying each other's company as the smell of coffee and baked sweets filled the air. You can see her glancing over every now and then, taking in the sight of your profile.

Oftentimes you would end up accidentally looking into her eyes a little too long within the car, and the both of you catch it, but you never took it too far than that, or even perceived it as actual feelings.

At the beach, a lake. She had the same color of eyes as her, her eyes luminescent from the glowing sun. But hers...hers are different. They hold a greener look with a tinge more brown at the iris, and oh, so soft.

The night was quiet other than the tapping of the water somewhere in the bathroom and the humming of the AC. You didn't feel a sense of sleepiness. Really, you just wanted to stare at the darkness.

The comforter around you kept you warm, and the position you were in was as comfortable as you could get. You tried putting your hand out to the edge of the bed, letting it rest hung over the side...you probably shouldn't do that.

As you realize you were too close to the edge, you exhaled slowly and pulled your hand closer to your body once more, moving yourself to the middle of the bed.

Your eyes stare at your phone, the screen facing down.

You shouldn't.

But you picked it up anyway.

Your fingers found the messages to Nat, your eyes seeing the old messages as you searched your thoughts for some words.

Are you still up?

You sent the message with a bite on your lower lip, leaving a mark. Thinking you shouldn't have sent a message so late in the night, you gripped your phone tighter and decide to leave it on the bedside table, nearly regretting disturbing her.

But then your phone lights up on the nightstand beside you, and your eyes widen in surprise, quickly going to grab it.

Yeah. Why?

I can't sleep, and I'm bored :(

Well, I have good news for you.

good news?

Are you free tomorrow?

I think so

Do you wanna go to an aquarium with me? :)

Your eyes blinked at the screen for a moment, trying to make sense if your sleepiness invaded your brain and you imagined it or if it was actually real.

Then, after a few seconds of registering it and deciding, you quickly type your response, a smile on your face.

YES?!?

Now, go to sleep.

okay, okay

you too.

Now, you almost couldn't sleep at all, your last drops of energy fueled by the excitement for tomorrow.

But it soon dies down, and with no warning as you close your eyes once more, you fell asleep easily. The room was quiet, and if you were still conscious, you'd notice it would only be white noise and your gentle breathing.

You slept peacefully, Kate doing the same in the other room with Lucky. The room grew in coldness with the night, causing you to curl within your sleep. Slowly, the moon fades away and the sun starts to rise.

The stir of your body and waking up was fatigued and hazy, a big yawn coming from you as you rolled on your back. You stared at the ceiling for a moment before your eyes widen with a realization dawning on you, the memory of last night reminding you of the aquarium.

You jump slightly to a sitting position, and then regret it at the fast pace, making you dizzy. You absolutely did not let the blood in your brain flow back naturally.

After gently shaking off the daze and letting it fade away with a couple of blinks, you sit for a few seconds before now slowly moving to get out of bed.

You followed your morning routine, showering and everything, but this time with excitement filled in your veins. You forgot you even struggled to sleep last night. Some messages were exchanged with the redhead for the plan of how you'll get to the aquarium, and you agreed on her picking you up.

Kate was already out the house, having told you the day before that she was visiting a friend and possibly even doing a sleepover. She did invite you, but you weren't interested.

As you start to put on your shoes, your phone dings, and your hand goes to grab it, turning it over so the screen was visible. The notification shows a message from Nat.

Hey, I'm in front of the apartment.

Your eyes widen and you finish up quickly, standing up to open the door. The light outside hits you, making your eyes squint, but it spots the black car pulled up near the side of the road when you went out the apartment.

You wave at her, and the corner of her lip raises up as she rolls the window down, sliding her sunglasses down to look at you more clearer.

"You ready to go?" She nodded towards you and you mirror her movement, being more than ready to go to the aquarium.

Nat's eyes look over your appearance for a moment. She was about to close the window but then remembered to ask, "And you got everything?" Her head turned to look at you more.

"Yup." You nodded once more as you went to round the car from the front and sit in the passenger seat. She had closed the window back up now, glancing at you to make sure you had your seatbelt on.

"Seatbelt," she murmured, putting the car in drive. You smiled and grabbed the seatbelt, clicking it in for your safety.

Her eyes focus back on the road once she saw you safe and comfortable in the seat, her hands firmly on the steering wheel as she made her way through traffic and turns on the road to get to the destination.

The drive was quiet, filled with gentle music. You can see the sunlight casting the warmest glow over everything in the car, including her striking orange hair that honestly only seemed soft now.

When you arrived, she opened the door for you right as your fingertips barely even brushed against the car door handle.

Getting in was easy, the line not being awfully long seeing as it's not their busiest day of the week. They gave free packets of yogurts to each ticket holder, but you already had yours open, while Nat was saving it for later.

Her hand held a camera, and you noticed it in the corner of your vision, your lips tugging up as you realize she was reviving the old hobby she had. She took pictures and videos of the sea animals, while also sneaking in some memories of you.

You start walking through the big spaces. In the corner of the room, held a big map of the entire aquarium, from sea animals that live in the colder regions, a shark zone, the exotic section, and the small fishes.

There was an ongoing show of the otters, the staff member in the enclosure feeding them fishes and having them do tricks as they excitedly move to snatch their food or swim in the water.

They talk about facts of the otters through the segment, making many other kids and people in the room beside the two of you captured in the moment.

After that was done, you were headed to the more colder region first, seals sitting on the right side while on the left held bunches of adorable penguins.

Nat smiled gently at you, her eyes all focused on your beaming face instead of the penguins.

"Nat, look!" You gently shook her shoulders, making her turn her attention to the penguins more properly, her eyes watching as they jumped and swam, while others waddled.

"Yeah, they're adorable." Just like you. That's what she wanted to say. Just like you, the penguins were adorable. But she only chuckled softly as you gently leaned into her from the side.

The footsteps and sounds of talking echoed through each hall and room with the gentle sound of some water going down a made up waterfall.

You gasped as you saw the sharks, swimming around gracefully. They were swift with their tails moving back and forth gently.

Black tip reef sharks, nurse sharks, lemon sharks...it held most of the more known ones, but nonetheless, you were more than happy to see them.

Nat kept you close, maybe even a little protectively as you both looked through the shark zone, watching as some of them circle around in their tanks until you make it to the end of the area.

"Whoa..." You slowly walked over to the stingrays, where you can watch them from above. At least, the small baby stingrays. The bigger ones were on the sides, accompanied with some turtles.

Nat was also admiring them, seeing how the stingrays moved across the floor and slid on the rocks. Some were even camouflaged within the sand, while others hid within plantation.

You were now in the more exotic section, and Nat had to hold back a laugh when she sees you getting scared at the sight of a huge japanese crab, although she was smiling, she also would not want it near her either.

The neon lights inquired with each animal of their color, the jellyfish being a pinkish purple as it majestically floated around in the dim lighting. It was aglowed, within a circle tank.

Sometime in the big trip of exploring the aquarium, you and Nat went to the diner that was marked on the map, grabbing something to eat and drink so you wouldn't get tired.

Afterwards, your journey continues, and Nat had to change her camera's battery to her backup one, thankfully having remembered to bring it.

You were seeing the smaller tanks now, seahorses, baby crabs, shrimps and starfishes on the entire wall. Each held their names and types, giving facts of what exactly they are.

"That one looks like you." You point at a orange starfish, sitting on the rocks. It nearly seemed like it was hiding. She was expecting a cool looking fish or a shrimp, but when she follows where you were looking and your pointed finger, she gasped and lightly slapped your shoulder.

"No, it does not!" She exclaims, staring at you. You giggled, finding her reaction to be amusing.

"The hair, come on." You gestured towards the orange starfish then to her, your eyebrows raising in question for her agreement, while hers raised in a challenge.

"Just 'cause it's orange?" Her voice was nearly more higher pitched, but her face was scrunched up in utter disbelief.

The moment passes by lightly with a few more laughs and distractions of the other fishes showing off their unique colors.

You pass by some eels too, octopuses, and a giant gar that shocked you. You followed it while its long body swam forward, and Nat shook her head gently.

Soon enough, you reach to the end of the aquarium, the end of the journey a little bit saddening, but the amount of things the place held was satisfying. Nat had just the right amount of batteries for the entire trip, too.

There was a souvenir shop at the end, as always. Within it had keychains, plushies, and some snacks available to take home. You had to run your finger through some of the plushies. They seemed to fluffy and soft not to touch.

Nat had bought you a keychain of a mini plush orca, and your heart melted at her memory of remembering your first proper meetup.

Outside, the sky was orange, the clouds dissolving as the both of you made your way back to her car. You had really been in there for that long?

Nat gets in the car with you, setting her camera safely in the center console. Your eyes follow her movement, and you went to reach for it.

"No," she gently pushes your hand away while at the same time, wearing her seatbelt, and you pull your hand back to your body with a pout.

"You'll be able to go through it later." Her lips ghosted the smallest hint of a smile, and you tilt your head in curiosity, but you didn't question it as she started driving. Maybe her battery had died entirely? But you had seen her turn it off earlier with some energy still left.

After minutes upon minutes of staring out the window, watching the skies fade deeper into darkness, the car soon arrives to Kate's apartment once more.

You stood in front of the door as Nat waited for you, making sure your surroundings were safe so she knew you went inside intact.

"Ah..." You sighed gently as you look through your pockets, trying to find the house keys. Nat curiously looked to you, her expression growing with concern.

"I...forgot to bring my keys." The words were said quietly as you turned back to her. She had made sure you had everything before the two of you went too, but none of her face had any judgement.

"You don't hide a spare one anywhere?" She asked gently, looking towards the carpet in front of the door or any other places that could have the key. You purse your lips, putting your hands in the pockets.

"My keys are the spare keys." Your shoulders go down in defeat, now your mind definitely remembering how empty your pockets felt aside from your phone.

Nat paused and stepped back in front of you, her quietness being in thought while her eyebrows furrowed.

"Well...isn't Kate home?" She knew it was a low chance with how you had not reached for your phone at all, and the apartment being dark.

"No, she's at a friend's..." You shook your head, biting your bottom lip gently as you stared off at her car with the engine on behind her.

"...Do you want to hang out at my place until we can grab the keys or when she comes back?" She asks nearly hesitantly, yet in very high hopes that you'll accept, especially not wanting you to be alone or anything.

"Uh...well, I mean..." You stutter slightly for a moment, your eyes meeting hers as you thought over. A gentle cold breeze flowed against your body from the night air, causing you to shiver.

Then, you took a breath in, "I don't really have any other choice, so, if it's okay with you, yeah." Nat's eyes soften and she nods, turning to her car once more, making sure you were following behind her.

The car doors close with a gentle shut, and you settle down in the seat once more, getting comfortable as you didn't know where or how far her place was.

She turns down the AC, having noticed your shivers, and also turned up the gentle music so it wasn't entirely silent.

Your eyes grew heavy though anyway as you rested your head against the backrest, and the streetlights that passed by was starting to blur and fade into what was bothering, to now something that lured you to sleep.

The red light makes her stop the car for a moment. When she looked over to you, her eyebrows raise, but she wasn't surprised.

She gazed at your sleeping form, her eyes trailing over every feature your face held. The red light and the streetlights even added on to your face.

She shouldn't stare. Especially not when you were asleep. What if you had woken up? When the light turns green, she continues driving, shifting in her seat slightly to gather herself together.

It wasn't actually much of a long drive, only 20 minutes or so until she arrived to her place. Nat unclicks her seatbelt and took a deep breath, looking over to you once more.

She doesn't want to pick you up or anything, knowing all too well it might just be too out of your comfort zone together. Instead, she goes to reach her hand out and gently shake your shoulder.

"Hey," she whispered softly, making you slowly stir in your sleep before waking up, a small noise coming from you. You look at her in a haze of sleep, and she smiled softly.

"We're here," she unclicks your seatbelt for you before turning down the music so it didn't bother you, but being patient for your response.

"Sorry I fell asleep." You whispered, your voice quiet and husky from your rest. She shook her head, dismissing your apology as she turns off the car.

"It's fine. You were tired." She said gently with a reassuring look before opening her car door and going out to get your door for you.

When she did, she also helped you out, not wanting you to trip or anything within your sleepiness. With you out, the car door closes.

You yawned softly and closed it with your hand while Nat grabbed her keys out from her pockets.

The lamppost's light illuminated your faces, the streetsign just barely even showing 'Sixth Avenue'.

"You know, you do really look like that starfish." You said quietly, blinking away sleep as you took in the streets of her place, to then your eyes landing back to her.

"Nope." She said softly with a gentle pop of her lips and a shake of her head, going through her keys to find the one for her apartment.

"Mmhm." You hummed and nodded, urging her to agree whilst you took some steps and leaned forward. She leaned back slightly, but paused her movements.

Her hand then falls, the keys falling back all over on the keyring but still between her fingers. She turns to you, her eyes searching your face.

She takes a deep breath, "Well, I think we can both agree on one thing." She said in a whisper, but even if she spoke in a low volume, the quiet area had your voices being audible. Even the noise of the gentle wind or a loose poster hitting something being hearable.

Your eyebrows raise in question for her to continue. You stood up more properly with your brain fully waking up, but now you saw how close you were.

"That our eyes see the same thing." She said, taking a step forward. Your breaths could be seen from the cold air, and you felt her warmth, making your cheeks flush just slightly.

"...And that is?" your words were quiet under your breath, almost not even audible as you gazed at her with your heartrate going fast as if you were in a high speed chase.

Her eyebrows furrow as she searches a word in her mind for an answer to the feelings swirling in her. She found a simple, obvious one, but pushed the word away.

She decides on "...Something," As her lips were just a whisper away from yours. You shouldn't lean in closer...it was too soon. But why shouldn't you anyway?

end of chapter 9. <3

Series Masterlist <- Chapter 8

------------------

taglist <3 - join here! :]

@ludasgf @lovelyy-moonlight @red1culous @slutforabbyanderson @fxckmiup @dmenby3100 @animealways @may-z3 @natashasilverfox @wandsmxmff @tia-thesimp @marvelwomen-simp @natsbiggestfan1 @fawnedolly @blacklightsposts @canvascoloredin @autorasexy @taliiiaasteria @wandanatlov3r @glorioushamsterqueen @shaniaauld03

#🥀 dawn’s collection #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff fluff #soft natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff comfort #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff

[hxnbi]

✧ among the stars — sung jinwoo 

synopsis: in which jinwoo still clings fruitlessly onto the past

tags: angst, death, unhealthy coping with said death, no comfort, gn reader

word count: 2.3k

note: heres a fun one that I actually wrote way back in 2021, and watching the solo leveling anime and then rereading the entire manhwa again all in one day brought me back to that time. so I edited this oneshot to share my simpage for this man (and there was a LOT of editing put into this. past me writing this sure was interesting)

Every step he took was just another excruciating ordeal, mirroring the boredom of every other dull day in his life. Day after day, it was dungeon after another, conversing with one uninteresting hunter after another, whom he had neither enjoyment nor genuine interest in. Everyone, except for you, that is. 

You were the singular exception to all the mundanity. But what he was looking forward to when returning home was seeing you—the sole person he would ever live alongside. Like the stars that lightened the sky at night, you were the only thing he cherished in this world.  

"Hello? [Y/n]? Are you home?"

No reply.

A small smile edged over his lips. 'Guess they're still at work.' But his shoulders drooped in disappointment. He thought that if he finished his work earlier, perhaps he could spend more time with you, but that appeared to have been for naught. 

Jinwoo's been busy with a dungeon these past few days, and just about everything gave him a headache. Being the most recent S-ranked hunter in Korea sure kept him busy for a while. 

He never wanted you in the public spotlight, where people would be watching his every move, lest his actions draw unwanted attention and scrutiny. It haunted him. But unbeknownst to his own fears, you understood that fact completely. 

Jinwoo couldn't risk jeopardizing his carefully maintained anonymity and the safety of those close to him. Only then could you be by his side and comfort him when nobody else could. With your hand over his, you offer a sense of silent support. Quietly, you always preferred being at the centre of attention.

Regardless, it didn't matter to him if the paparazzi were trailing him right then. He needed more time to see you as of late. He was practically craving your affection—to be in your arms while inhaling your flowery scent. 

But... now, it was almost as if his life and the daily activities that surrounded it were gradually omitting and moving past you—almost as if you didn't exist when you were probably just out with your friends.

Seeing you weren't here, he proceeded to wait for you to return home. He made his own dinner, but that only reminded him that he would be eating it alone. Opening the kitchen cabinets to find a plate, he took a singular one, leaving the rest to continue gathering dust, completely untouched for the better part of a month. His meal had ended up tasting blander than usual. Perhaps it was because you weren't here, sitting beside him.

Your absence that night sure was affecting him more than he thought.

Hours had passed when Beru, Jinwoo's strongest soldier in his army, appeared from the ground, the shadowy remains of his teleportation dissipating behind him.

With a hand over his heart, he addressed his master. "My liege… They still have not returned home yet. Perhaps you should get some rest."

Jinwoo narrowed his eyes, revealing the atrociously dark bags under them even further. It was even worse than he initially expected. This had even made Beru step back in fear of his master's wrath. 

Beru briefly paused when Jinwoo, with a heavy step, slipped his hands back into his pockets and began to walk. "...Alright then. Remind me as soon as [Y/n] is at the door." 

Beru nodded once again with his hand over his shadowy heart. "As you wish, my liege."

And he made his way to your and his shared bedroom. The door creaked open softly, revealing an empty bed. For a second, Jinwoo chuckled. You must've been out hanging out with your friends again. Yet, despite the room's quiet, Jinwoo didn't feel sleepy. The worry for your safety lingered in his mind. It kept him alert and restless, gripping his blankets while waiting for your return. 

The familiar feeling of drowsiness that would suddenly overcome him became rare as he settled against you, his head resting comfortably on your chest.

Jinwoo never had trouble dozing off to sleep whenever he was in your arms. But without you there, it was all he could ever think of. He's had some horrible sleep lately.

'They'll come soon,' Jinwoo hummed. 'I just know it.'

But an hour passed, and then two. Three would soon follow. Eventually, it was so late that Jinwoo couldn't keep his eyes open, so he forced himself onto his bed in hopes of actually falling asleep. Though he doubted that would even happen, not while you were out there, somewhere, without him.

Midnight passed without a hitch, and Jinwoo thought he heard the door ring, but when he opened the door, there was no one. The sky was still pitch black. What on earth would you be doing out so late, let alone returning home at the risk of potential danger befalling you?

He scoffed. It must've been some kind of ding-dong ditch. And he was dumb enough to fall for it. 

Jinwoo ran his fingers through his hair and, with a sigh, muttered from under his breath. "What would [Y/n] think if they saw me like this?"

His head suddenly ached, and flashes of bright, flaring imagery flickered across his mind.

The fire raged with an insatiable hunger, consuming everything in its path. Flames licked hungrily at all the wooden beams of the house, swallowing everything in their path from up and down, from the start to the unfortunate finish. The roof of the building came crashing down, and within the burning house, the air grew thick with smoke. 

Outside, onlookers watched in horror. All the while, desperate cries pierced the night. Their pleas were drowned out by the roar of the flames. But there was nothing they could do. No ordinary soul could survive that. 

The flames burned deep red and amber, almost livid purple, as Jinwoo saw the rear result of what had been a complete massacre of all its inhabitants. 

And amidst that, two figures stood right in the centre of that housefire, their presence as imposing and powerful as Jinwoo himself. Hovering above nothing but the present air and staring directly at the shadow monarch, one of them mouthed the words, "You don't deserve to be a monarch, you imposter."

"Tch…"

That memory. 

"...Beru."

The very second his words left his lips, the shadow appeared. With a hand over his chest, he addressed his master. "Yes, my liege?"

Jinwoo narrowed his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, huh? Were you lazily watching your dramas again?" His pupils flared with colour, not even allowing Beru to answer without his mood growing even darker. "Is that more important than ensuring that [Y/n] is home safe and sound?" 

The bug, stiffly standing at attention, remained silent. "I apologize, but there was no one at the d—"

"I don't want to hear it. Now get out of my sight."

Beru's head only dipped lower. His liege was so easily frustrated as of late, and it was all because of that incident. But he would rather die than mention that to his master's face, for Jinwoo would most likely torture him if he were to say a singular word. 

He felt pity for their master for succumbing to such mortal feelings.

Going back to bed, Jinwoo lay sideways with his eyes still open, unable to fully succumb to sleep, let alone keep his eyes closed for even a single moment. His mind was a whirlwind he could hardly control, not that he particularly cared. 

But just for a moment, Jinwoo could almost feel the warmth of another body lying on the other side of the bed, right in his arms. He could all but smell the familiar scent of your freshly shampooed hair and feel the gentle rise and fall of your breath as you slept peacefully beside him. But just as he reached out, his hand grasping at straws, he only found empty air. 

A cruel reminder of your absence.

Jinwoo closed his eyes and sighed deeply. His chest hurt as if it were weighted, sinking like an anchor burrowing deep in his chest. He couldn't get the picture of your face out of his head. Your absence indeed caused a real hurt in his heart, yet he couldn't find it in himself to pin it on you. 

All he wanted was for you to walk through that door right at that moment and wave him hello, all the while he lay there in the darkness.

'Ahah… right. What was I thinking?'

Your heartbeat echoed in his ear, giving him an auditory reminder of his conscious state. 

'They're right there.'

You existed in his life, and that was all that mattered.

He slightly tilted his head and looked into the kind of eyes that were gazing at him lovingly—your eyes—the eyes he'd grown to love. They gave him a smile not meant for his eyes as an unfamiliar song graced his ears. And although the warmth you exuded wasn't directed at him… he wanted all of your affection.

The tender voice of his significant other echoed in his ears. 

"I love you," you chimed, caressing his cheek. 

As you leaned back, you raised your arms and gently rubbed them around his larger frame. Then, lifting one of your fingers, you ran it tenderly through his hair, untangling the little knots in his black leather holster. 

"I love you too..." he whispered. His gaze softened ever so slightly as a gentle breath blew past. Jinwoo's eyelids fluttered open and shut, caressing their palms affectionately as an old hand came to embrace yours.

But Jinwoo knew all along. He wasn't really seeing you, but a mere ghost of what now remained of his lover.

"Fuck…" 

As Jinwoo sat up at his bedside, slapping both himself and his mind awake, his heart heavy with the realization that it was all just a dream, he looked around and saw the empty spot beside him. 

"....."

"Damnit…" he cursed under his breath.

It was getting to him. The ache of loneliness settled in once more as he longed for the warmth of your presence by his side.

But wherever he went, all he could see was you. 

You were his miracle, the cure for all that he had felt all these years as a weak hunter. Even being an S-ranked hunter couldn't satisfy his pride. All he needed was your affection and love and nobody else's. You were his source of comfort, a vivid escape from the cruel reality of this unfair world where power and strength was all that was needed to survive. But you were living proof that wasn't what he wanted.

It was then that you noticed that glaze in his eyes. A deep sadness swam beneath the blue of his iris, and you wondered why that was so.

"What's wrong, my dear Jinwoo?" Your expression softened, growing worried at seeing his expression. "Is something on your mind? Would you like to talk to me about it? I'm all ears."

Hah…

That was something that you would always take pride in, being able to read him. 

He shook his head. "... It's nothing."

A heavy sigh eluded his lips as he turned his head to the woman next to him. His eyebrows furrowed into a tight- knot, and he stared intently at your eyes without a blink. 

Your hand caressed his cheek. But the warmth was missing. It felt oddly cold. "Well, if you ever want to talk, I'll always be by your side."

Jinwoo's heart clenched. 'No, you won't…'

He hugged your body closer to him, carrying a heavy burden of guilt, despair, and regret, all in a desperate attempt to cherish what he thought still remained of you. Unbeknownst to him, what he was clutching onto was but a pillow.

It was cold. It was stiff. It was nothing like you. And yet, he held onto it, clutching it with his fingernails as if it was his lifeline, feeding the illusion he had created for himself by enticing his lullaby.

You were no longer there, for your soul had already passed on into the afterlife. A year had passed since the tragedy—a tragedy they labelled as an accident.

But that couldn't have been more false.

That day gave him a false sense of security…

The memories haunted Jinwoo relentlessly since day one. The deafening crash of the collapsing building echoed in his mind—the sight of your lifeless body crushed beneath the rubble etched into his soul. 

It haunted him. But deep down, he knew it wasn't an accident. Far from it.

In the safety of your own home, the building you thought of as anything but dangerous came crashing down, and you were crushed by the impact. The monarchs decided it was time to get rid of everything he cared about.

Death. A concept all too familiar to humans.

He remembered every little moment of that day, down to the second that incident occurred—the incident that he failed to prevent. 

All because of him.

It was no one’s fault but his own.

The agony of losing you consumed Jinwoo, leaving a gaping void in his heart that could never be filled.

They took you away from him without remorse or justification. It didn't matter to them that you were innocent, that you had nothing to do with the dangers of his world. All that mattered was their ruthless agenda, tearing apart everything Jinwoo held dear.

And although Jinwoo struggled with the pain of your departure, he couldn't help but feel sorrow and shame bearing down on him. If only he had been there to keep you safe and out of danger. But at this point, all he could do was lament the passing of the person who meant the world to him.

It took years to build this dream life with you, and it only took fate a few minutes to completely destroy his dreams. Forever.

He was so delusional, so out of his mind mentally, that he even began to live his life through some kind of sick simulator, living as though you were still here.

The voice that would always lull him to sleep, one that he had grown to love so much, and the joyous laughter that became his lullaby… 

He'll do it. Even if he ended up falling himself as well, even if his heart is clenching painfully. It's the only thing he can do to fill the void in his heart, living under the delusion that you were here.

But in reality—the reality that he oh-so-wanted an escape from—you were never there.

For you had long already passed away.

©hxnbi. please do not modify, edit, copy or reproduce any of my works.

#solo leveling x reader #solo leveling #fanfic #fanfiction #solo leveling fanfic #solo leveling sung jinwoo #sl sung jinwo #sl #sl x reader #x reader #sung jinwoo x reader #sung jinwoo #solo leveling jinwoo #jinwo x reader #sung jin woo #sung jin woo x reader #sung jinwo x you #angst #scenarios

[litnerdwrites]

Just an FYI to the avid Rhysand/IC stans: It is completely possible for a bad person to good things, and a good person to do bad things. It's possible for someone to be a victim of abuse, and an abuser themselves. "Rhysand suffered for his people and deserves all the love" or "Rhysand has a need for control because of his trauma utm," is unbelievable.

Yes, I will acknowledge Rhysand is a victim of SA. I will acknowledge that he had good intentions when protecting Velaris, saving Mor, and fighting Hybern in two wars. However, being a victim doesn't excuse your actions when you abuse others. Under no circumstances does his trauma excuse not telling Feyre about the risk to her life with her pregnancy, or threatening to kill Nesta for no real reason honestly.

You could argue that he had good intentions and didn't want to cause Feyre any stress, just like he had good intentions when stealing Tarquin's book (that he never gave back), or protecting only one third of his court (assuming that the NC is comprised of Velaris, The HC, and Illyria exclusively,) and perhaps he even had good intentions when he tried to make that bargain with Feyre (I seriously doubt it though). However, bad consequences to bad actions that have good intentions DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make those bad actions okay.

No matter how good Rhysand's intentions were in hiding Velaris, people in Illyrian and the HC suffered under Amarantha's reign. No matter how good his intentions were, Nesta was stuck with her toxic, abusive, stalker in the HOW along with a coward who stood by and watched her get abuse against her will until she was mentally broken. No matter how good his intentions, people still got hurt. People still died.

The families of the murdered children probably don't care what his intentions are. I sincerely doubt the people of HC or Illyria care how good his intentions are. It doesn't matter how good his intentions were when he met with the mortal queens, because Nesta and Elain still got hurt, practically murdered, and put back together again before being forced into a life they didn't want. Lucien clearly didn't care about his intentions when he was brought to The NC. He only backed down when he was threatened.

So I'll say this one more time. Louder for the people in the back: GOOD INTENTIONS DON'T MAKE THE BAD CONSEQUENCES INCONSEQUENTIAL ALL OF A SUDDEN!

#nesta deserves better #nesta archeron deserves better #lucien deserves better #anti sjm #anti inner circle #pro nesta #anti acosf #pro nesta archeron #nesta acotar #anti mor #anti amren #anti ic #anti rhysand #anti cassian #the archeron sisters deserve better #Sjm needs to learn how consequences work #Cause something's telling me she just doesn't get it.

[sstarmoon]

There were only three people that Regulus had let see the most vulnerable and weakest part of him; Sirius, James and Remus.

— Remus was his best friend, the person he trusts completely. With whom he could spend hours and hours reading in silence and would never get tired or feel uncomfortable. Regulus knew that he could tell Remus anything. That he was, in some way, his platonic soulmate. Remus was the person with whom he could be completely calm, the person with whom he understood without having to speak.

When he looked at Remus he couldn't help but see himself; a different version of him. And Regulus couldn't help but smile when thinking about that. He really loved Remus, he was a very important person in his life. He would risk anything for him.

— Sirius was his brother, the person he loves most in the world, the person who was there for him since he was born. Regulus loved Sirius in a way that no one could understand, only they knew how much they needed each other. If Sirius, for some reason, stopped being there for Regulus; a very large part of him would be empty, dead. It was a connection, a bond, a type of love that only brothers share.

By blood or heart, whatever; they were stars of the same constellation. Children of the same mother. Victims of a shared pain.

And Regulus needed his big brother so much. His care, his comfort. Cry in his arms and know that everything was going to be okay, that his big brother was there for him. Regulus could be small, weak child who cried and trembled in his older brother's arms, paralyzed with fear; or an lost, scared adult, fearing like a little child, and yet he would always feel protected in Sirius' arms. Because Sirius had seen the worst and the best of him, and he still was proud of his little brother.

And even if for a period of time he couldn't say it, even if for a period of his life was hard to admit it, Sirius would give his life for his baby brother. And Regulus loved Sirius so, so much. Regulus wouldn't be the person he is if it weren't for his big brother.

— James was the love of his life, his soulmate. Regulus lives for him and would die for him. James was his everything. He adored every part of James as if he were the most beautiful thing in the world, and he was.

Every time he looked into James' dark brown eyes he couldn't help but think about how the man in front of him had no idea how much he loved him.

It was cute to know that James thought exactly the same.

But even if James told him a thousand times that he loved him with all his being, Regulus would never believe him. Not completely, at least. Because Regulus would never believe that James could love him as much as he loved him, because what Regulus felt was so strong that it was almost painful.

There was no human way, no words enough, no actions possible that could show how much Regulus loved that man.

James was the sun to his star, the day to his night.

Regulus never knew what it was like to feel loved, complete, before he met James. And sometimes it was frustrating not having the words to say it. An I love you was not enough, an I love you was nothing compared to what Regulus felt.

Sometimes Regulus just wanted to grab James' face and scream, because jeez, he loved him so much that it crossed the line to the opposite side. He sometimes wanted to punch his stupid, handsome face for forcing him to love him more than anyone could love.

James was an idiot, and god, Regulus loved him so much that he cried once a month thinking about it. Regulus loved him so much he fucking hated him, because, how could an idiot like James Potter make his whole world his?

Everyone revolved around the sun, no one could avoid it. It was so bright and warm, gravity was pulling them towards it.

But Regulus was completely his.

James didn't know the power he had over Regulus and sometimes he scared himself thinking about how much control James had over his emotions.

James Fleamont Potter had no idea that he had next to him an idiot who would die and kill in each one of his lives to spend just one with him.

And Regulus had no idea that James would tear his heart out of his chest and hand it to his worst enemy if it meant he could see Regulus' beautiful eyes looking back at his one more day.

#damn #𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔⋆ #jegulus #starchaser #sunseeker #regulus black #regulus #regulus black headcanon #regulus black headcanons #regulus black hc #regulus headcanon #sirius and regulus #trans regulus black #james potter #james potter headcanons #james potter hc #james potter headcanon #james fleamont potter #sirius black #sirius black headcanon #remus lupin #remus lupin headcanons #jegulus headcanons #jegulus headcanon #james loves regulus #marauders #marauders era #marauders headcanon #moonwater #platonic moonwater

[shaunashipman]

crying thinking about maddie noticing tommy calling buck evan and how happy he seems. like tommy definitely gets the "you better treat him right or else" speech from maddie and he's all of course i really care about evan and maddie's all ooh i don't think that's. cool with him. and evan shows up all smiles and it is cool with him!! he's so happy!!

also do you think tommy too was unnecessarily reckless when he was younger. like he's not needed, doesn't really have a lot to lose. dude puts his job and life at risk bc chimney calls, he's definitely pulling the same kind of stunts buck did.

ooooh yes i love the idea of her hearing him call buck evan first and like, does she say something, she should say something, but it isn't quite her place, but it's her little brother and he really seems to like tommy and tommy seems to really like him, and she wants it work out, but--

and then before she can decide what to say buck comes over and tommy's just like "hey, evan" and buck's eyes just light up and his face goes all gooey and maddie's like oh and then when tommy goes to get them refills or something she links arms with buck and is just like "so, evan?" and buck goes completely red and tries to hide his face

anyway

i do think he was unnecessarily reckless was he was younger, i think that's something he and buck have in common, but for different reasons. buck, at least when he was younger, wasn't doing it because he thought himself expendable (that came when he found ppl who he loved and who loved him, but still hadn't learned to love himself, so of course he should be the one put in danger). but with tommy, I think when you can't value yourself in one aspect of your life, in can be hard to value yourself in other parts

however, as for jumping when chimney called and flying into a hurricane, i think that's a bit more that he didn't leave the 118 fast enough when bobby showed up and got infected with just enough of that crazy that gets the 118 into all their trouble, cause buck didn't bring that with him, he just brought it out

(I also love in fics, when chim calls him and says he needs a chopper, tommy's like "uhhh" then chim says it's for hen and tommy then immediately agrees lmao)

#cleo gets mail #anonymous #911 #bucktommy #evan buckley #tommy kinard #maddie buckley #sorry if this seems disjointed nonny #i wrote it in 2 min bursts cause i'm at work

[i-guess-im-into-this-now]

The Apothecary Diaries

S1E18 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/locations cheat sheet

Suiren - Jinshi's attendant

Lakan - master strategist

Pairin - one of the princesses at Verdigris House

Luomen - Maomao's physician father

Meimei: one of the princesses of Verdigris House

Suirei: court lady who doesn't like Maomao

Woah. Okay so that's a loaded exchange.

Jinshi: How does one decrease the value of a courtesan? Maomao: In the case of pregnancy, it would reduce it to nearly zero.

There are 7 seconds of silence in this show after that. Yes, I used a stopwatch to time it. That is a freaking insane pause.

Jinshi makes a move to... I don't know exactly, reach out maybe? Reassure Maomao that he's not planning on doing this? I'm not sure. There is a shit ton of subtext to this conversation, that I'm not sure I have completely figured out but I will try.

Jinshi is the more obviously bothered by this statement, by a lot. Maomao is just observing to see how Jinshi responds to it. Essentially what she says is that a man could rape a courtesan and impregnant her to bring her value down, to ruin her. It would bring her value so low that anyone could afford to buy out her contract at that point. Jinshi has not provided any context to why he asked this question, and Maomao is studying him closely to see what he does with the information. I don't believe she thinks he would do this personally to a courtesan, or she wouldn't have told him. But as it appears, they've arrived at a brothel where Jinshi stopped her before going inside to ask this very fucked up question. She has to at least examine the possibility that she is wrong about Jinshi. And I think he passes her scrutiny, but not without damage done. She's disappointed that he is planning on going into this brothel, and that he asked such a depraved question. It hits particularly hard, because just prior to this they were having a nice moment where she opened up about her father. Now she is likely backtracking, either wondering why she bothered, or scolding herself for behaving inappropriately.

As for Jinshi in this scene, he hasn't revealed why he wants the answer to this particular question so badly. But boy does he want it. He let himself and Maomao fall into Lakan's trap just so that Lakan would tell him the answer. But Lakan didn't answer. Instead Jinshi asks Maomao, knowing that the question is inappropriate. He risks damaging the regard between the two of them so that he can get this answer. He's risking widening the rift between them. But why? What use is this answer to Jinshi? Does this have to do with the story Lakan told? Is he concerned about what may have happened to a courtesan in the past? To Maomao's mother? Is there a courtesan in the present that Jinshi is concerned about? Who can say.

In any case, Jinshi can see the damage that asking it has caused. He tries, I think, to backtrack, but it's too late. Maomao is retreating from him. She wants to flee, this conversation hurts for reasons she doesn't want to examine. Thank god Jinshi is emotionally intuitive. He can't let her walk away like this. The rift between them is too large, there is no telling if it could even be fixed if she leaves now. Jinshi grabs her arm.

Jinshi: You're leaving me now?

Maomao explains that her presence would compromise whatever plans he has in the restaurant. And Jinshi has to agree that makes sense, even if he can't put into thoughts or words why his heart is breaking right now.

Jinshi's critical error in this moment is that he is trying to keep Maomao out of what he's up to. He wants to protect her from whatever he's involved in, yet doing so is harmful too. He never tells her why he is visiting this place. He never explains why he asked the question. She is left to fill in the blanks with her own assumptions, with devastating results. In his effort to protect Maomao, Jinshi has harmed her. Jinshi cares for Maomao, but he hasn't learned to fully trust or respect her. And there will never be a relationship without trust. He's still got a lot of work to do before a real relationship can happen.

Maomao: It's fine. I didn't show any emotion when I spoke.

Maomao!!!

Her heart is breaking here too. I'm only surprised she is willing to admit it to herself. Perhaps the anguish of this moment has become too great to deny? For as sad as this scene is, that Maomao is aware and acknowledging her emotions is a major breakthrough! I suspect she's in for some painful moments now that she has to feel her pain, but you can't heal what you don't feel. She's on a path of healing now! Yay!

Oh my god, she even turned around to watch him walk into the building. So good Maomao. You're doing great girl!

Maomao: I truly hope you enjoy your evening good sir.

Maomao you dirty little liar!

Okay so maybe we only get to see a tiny step forward for Maomao, but a tiny step is still progress! I'm just so happy to see anything that pokes past the impasse that Jinshi and Maomao have been stuck at for ages.

The fuck kind of nightmare was that?! No wonder Maomao doesn't like to feel her emotions if she gets horrible flashbacks. Was she the baby in that scene? It looked like someone who was horribly injured tried to kill a baby. Apparently they couldn't go through with it. Was this Maomao's courtesan mother? Was she burned or scarred in someway? Perhaps to bring down her value? Or was the baby the product of rape? Was she trying to get rid of the baby to allow her to what? Return to being a courtesan? Seems unlikely with the injuries. Because she hates how the baby was conceived? Because the baby reminds her of the man who did this to her? Maybe to kill the baby so it couldn't be abused by someone else? Maybe because the woman in the scene was planning to kill herself after killing the baby?

Maomao looks at her hand, then thinks about the conversation she had with Jinshi yesterday. She then says of the nightmare that she brought it up. So there is a connection between the conversation and the nightmare. I'm guessing that what Jinshi asked about is exactly what happened to Maomao's mother, which triggered her memory. Why look at her hand? Does this have anything to do with her bandaged arm? Does the neglect or abuse of her mother have something to do with Maomao's low self-worth and the reason she is willing to self harm for her experiments? Or is she looking at her hand just to ground herself in reality, to try to fight back the traumatic memories?

After being awoken by her nightmare, Maomao is comforted by the familiar sight and routine of her father working in the apothecary. He asks her to take a package to Verdigris House.

This is maybe as good a time as any to ponder if Maomao's connection with Verdigris House is greater than that of an apothecary. I mean clearly it is, she considers the people here to be her family. But could she have had blood family that lived here as well? Was her mother one of the courtesans? I think that has been hinted at fairly strongly now.

Maomao is welcomed back with open arms. I'm so glad too see it. When was the last time someone gave Maomao a hug? Was it the last time she was here at the brothel?

Pairin is being harassed by granny to make a choice on something, and Maomao uses the opportunity to sneak away.

Pairin: Is she going to the annex?

I fricking hope so! I've been waiting for this!

Okay, so the annex is part of Verdigris House. And it looks identical to the room in Maomao's nightmare. So this must be where Maomao's mother lived. Perhaps where she died. And Maomao lived here, at least as an infant. How did she end up with Luomen?

Oh shit! Her mother is still alive?! But in a terrible state. She has some terrible illness. And it's not confirmed that this is her mother, but isn't it implied? Either way, Maomao used to be chased out of here by this angry person though it seems she no longer has the energy.

And hold on, I remember a scene from the last time Maomao was in the Verdigris House where granny asked her to tend to what I thought was just an ill courtesan, but perhaps it was this person in the annex.

Maomao's mother patient seems to be in the end stages of her illness. She no longer has energy to even speak. Luomen's once effective treatments don't offer relief, and there is nothing more that can be done. Though she may have been dealing with her decline for a long time Maomao will soon have to deal with the death of her mother. This may not be a healthy relationship, but there will still be grief. We grieve for people even when it's complicated. We also grieve what could have been, what never was. And there is never a good time to lose someone, but certainly some times are worse than others. Much of Maomao's life is uncertain right now, and she just took an emotional blow from her interaction with Jinshi, causing her to dip into the emotions she tries to avoid, now this on top of it. When it rains, it pours.

There is a troublesome customer visiting the Verdigris House. Meimei has been tasked to meet him. How foreboding. It couldn't be Lakan could it? His history with courtesans makes me ill.

Okay so maybe this lady isn't Maomao's mother, maybe she is. Maomao explains that the woman has syphilis. At least Verdigris House takes care of their own. I love that. Luomen may have been able to do something for this woman if he had arrived to serve the brothel during an earlier stage of the illness. There is a flashback here, where we get a glimpse of young Maomao in the brothel. No one trusted the eunuch doctor from no where, even if he could have done something. After contracting syphilis, the lady had to go on serving customers until the sores spread over her whole body, and she was locked up in the annex.

The woman tried to hum a tune, but is unable to to speak. I wonder if Maomao recognizes it.

Little girl: Big sis wanted you to know that the weirdo with the monocle is here, so you should avoid going out there for awhile.

Oh no! It is Lakan! Why is this little girl telling Maomao specifically so she can avoid him? Does he have a history with Maomao at the brothel? I'm trying to recall all of the things that Lakan said about the courtesan he used to visit at Verdigris House. That he could beat her at shogi, but not go. That she never sold herself but that she had an arrogant expression... I mean, I could be looking into it too much, but that... could be Maomao? Did she work as a courtesan here before? Is this why Jinshi is so determined to find out how someone might have reduced the price of a courtesan?! Did he know she used to work here? Does he worry that something terrible has happened to Maomao here? DID IT! Oh my god! It would explain so much about her fear of working as a courtesan, and her trauma. What the fuck happened in this brothel?! And who all knows about it! I demand answers!

I'm going to pull it back a little bit, and return to an earlier theory that Lakan is actually Maomao's biological father. He may have a history with Maomao at the brothel but that may be as a man who was somewhat interested in the daughter he fathered. Understandably, Maomao wants nothing to do with him. We learn here that Maomao knows who Lakan is though. Thank god they didn't run into each other in the palace. Can she really go on avoiding him? He can follow her in the palace or in the Pleasure District.

Maomao refers to Lakan as a long time customer of the Verdigris House, an old acquaintance, but that if she just stays put in the annex, she won't run into him. Okay, but tell me why you don't want to run into him....

Maomao has had a rough day. She's still reeling from her conversation with Jinshi and now she has been trapped all day in the annex with a woman who maybe hates her, so that she can avoid Lakan. She's had nothing to do but think about all the really painful emotions that she usually stays busy to avoid. Meimei finds Maomao hiding out in the annex, and lets her know that Lakan has left. Apparently he has brough up an offer for Maomao?! Maomao hates it, and so do I!

Maomao worries that if she didn't have her job that the madam of Verdigris House would have sold her off to Lakan by now. She thinks that Lakan's interest is the main reason that the madam wants her to become a courtesan. So Lakan is a major contributing factor to why Maomao is so fiercely opposed to being a courtesan. Her terror takes on a new shade of meaning now. If only we knew what has transpired between Maomao and Lakan in the past, we could understand.

Meimei has been given offers to leave the brothel, but has as yet turned them all down. She's getting close to retirement age, but isn't ready for that yet. Maomao asks why she doesn't just leave? To Maomao the freedom to choose would be preferrable to any offer that a customer could make. Maomao thinks that Meimei is holding out for love. Perhaps she is in love with someone already, and is waiting for an offer from that person.

Maomao: Maybe it's love. But if that's the case. It's not a rabbit hole I want to delve into. That's an emotion I'm sure I left behind. Back in the womb of the woman who birthed me.

Nearly every example of romantic love that Maomao has is heartbreaking. She's seen heartbreak after heartbreak in the brothel, with courtesans having promises made to them, and then broken. We don't know the story of her parents, but if her mother is the dying woman in the annex, or if she has died already, then then there is heartbreak in her story as well. Even the concubines in the palace don't have the love of the emperor, instead they merely battle for his attention and favor. The sole example she has seen is that of the concubine who was able to escape the Rear Palace when her military beau was able to secure her release.

Maomao is not open to the idea of love, in fact it is something she tries to avoid, disdains even. This view of love is one of the reasons we have seen her repeatedly shut down any tender emotion she's had, and why she is so willing to read any other explanation when love is directed at herself. And she tells us here, that it stems from her parents. How is she ever going to trust someone enough to love them and be loved in return?

And what a way to talk about one's own mother. "The woman who birthed me." So there is a story there. It sounds like one of abandonment, neglect or abuse, as we've already guessed.

The princesses want to pamper Maomao, and she adores the attention. This girl is so touch starved. I wondered about Maomao's need for physical touch, way back in episode 2 when Jinshi touched Maomao's hair and breathed on her neck. He did it in an effort to try to seduce her, but her reaction was interesting. She didn't get disgusted or freaked out as she did with his flirting. She just kind of let it happen. Now we see it with the courtesans that she considers family. Meimei is scrubbing Maomao's back and she is relaxed and smiling. The courtesans love Maomao so much, I wish she could have this kind of affection all the time.

Hard transition to Jinshi. A man who maybe has never had a hug in his life, except for the back hug he stole from Maomao when he was drunk. He's regretting that his date went so terribly, he didn't mean to give the impression to Maomao that he was trying to hook up with someone. He tells us that it definitely wasn't what he traveled there for, which is really unnecessary. No one who has been watching this show believed he was. I would like for him to tell us what he was up to though.

Maomao has retuned to Jinshi's residence, and Jinshi steels himself to face her. He's embarrassed and knows he's once again put space between them, when all he wants to do is find a way to get closer. Plus, it looks like he's carrying that jug of... beverage that Lakan left. He presents it as a present from a weirdo. Their conversation lacks all of the usual banter, and is perfectly polite, which for these two is a disaster. Jinshi watches her walk away. He's not sure where to even begin to repair this. He's frustrated. Maomao is doing her best to pretend like Jinshi already left. Gaoshun is there listening closely. Suiren is there watching Maomao and wondering what has changed, but knows it's some bullshit because she says:

Suiren: For goodness' sake.

Yeah Suiren. I feel that in my bones. But when I say it there is usually an F bomb in there somewhere.

Maomao is having very complicated feelings about having seen her mother the woman in the annex. It's distracting her from her work. It seems bad, but it's a good sign that Maomao is starting to face her emotions and try to process them, rather than avoid them.

Suiren thinks Maomao's distraction has to do with the master of the residence so she decides it's time to say something. Suiren realizes that hints and subtly don't work so well for Maomao when it comes to herself. She needs very blunt advice, which Suiren provides.

Suiren encourages Maomao to ask Jinshi for some space for her apothecary supplies.

Suiren: You may appear apathetic, but you're keen. You know where you stand, and how to play the game.

Yes! Call her on her bullshit Suiren!

Suiren: Because somebody was born noble doesn't inherently make them any different from you or me.

She's telling Maomao to quit looking at Jinshi as some lofty official, see him as a person.

Suiren: If you view everything in terms of status, then you'll miss opportunities.

Thank you Suiren! Internalize that Maomao. Put it in your head and keep it there.

Maomao has an errand to run at the court pharmacy, and she's delighted. She'll sparkling here. If only Maomao could be employed here.

The odd court lady that smacked Maomao in the head a few episodes back has arrived. Maomao figures that this lady works in the guard house and handles herbs in her job, which is why she had a bitter smell earlier, here I thought she was on drugs. Maomao ponders why the lady dislikes her so much, when they've had so little interaction.

A little casual classism for flavor. The pharmacist bemoans that the court lady is required to come pick up drugs herself. Then realizes he said it in front of Maomao and tries to back track. It's not okay work for a court lady, but fine for servant. That comment right on the heals of Suiren's much better advice about class.

Maomao discovers that the item she was sent to pick up was potato flour and wonders why Jinshi needs it. She pieces together a few things about Jinshi's actions. She suspects his actions are part of a purification ceremony that would be used to perform ceremonial rights. Something a nobleman might do. Something that would be strange for a eunuch to do. I'm tired of this theme. Moving on.

Gaoshun and Jinshi are trying to piece together the mystery of Luomen, but Jinshi can't stop thinking about how things are so distant and confused between himself and Maomao, right now. And just to make sure Jinshi never gets a moments peace, Lakan arrives.

Lakan is in the same house where Maomao is right now, and on the one hand I'm hoping they don't run into each other for Maomao's well being, but on the other hand, let's get this plot moving along. It's time to throw Maomao to the wolves.

Question: why does Lakan bring his own beverage whenever he visits? Is he afraid of being poisoned?

Jinshi isn't even bothering to hide how irritated he is at this visit. That's telling. And maybe a mistake. Or maybe intentional.

Jinshi: It seems to me, that you had engaged in some dirty trickery. Lakan: How very rude. That's rich to hear from a thief like yourself.

Gasp! Jinshi a thief?! Go on!

Oh no! Lakan really was trying to get Maomao. He spent a decade trying to get Maomao? Maomao who is what? All of 17 or 18 here? Has he been trying to get Maomao out of the brothel since she was a child? With good intentions or bad ones? Lakan feels he's been made a fool. He tell Jinshi he's upset with him over this.

Jinshi is worried, pissed, and oh so intent.

Jinshi: So do you want your prize returned?

I'm fairly certain that Jinshi wouldn't do that, and is just moving the conversation to find out Lakan's intentions.

Lakan: Not quite. I will pay whatever it is you ask.

That's... a hell of a look from Jinshi. So intense! Jinshi fucking hates this guy.

Jinshi: And if I refuse?

Lakan: Well then, I suppose there is nothing I can do is there.

Which is a threat to wreck Jinshi's life! It's a declaration of war. Holy shit!

Lakan: How many people could defy a man of your rank? I could count every single one of them on one hand.

The imperial family maybe? Yup that's it. Jinshi knows that Lakan knows his true identity.

Oh my god. Lakan knows everything!

Lakan: I'm just concerned you know. About what my daughter would think.

He's threatening to expose the truth about Jinshi, and hits him where it hurts the most: Maomao. Jinshi was worried that Maomao may be this man's daughter, and Lakan just confirmed as much.

Jinshi is tense. Hands balled into fists, posture wary, as Lakan asks to meet Maomao. This asshole has been following Maomao. First at the brothel and now to Jinshi's residence.

Everyone one of Lakan's moves were so well played, and Jinshi... is trapped. He once again has to make a choice between the obligations of his station and his own personal desires. He can give this official what he is asking for and go on business as usual, after all what is one servant over another? It would be an easy decision for someone else other than Jinshi, if it were about someone else, other than Maomao.

Jinshi looks deep in thought when he comes upon Maomao while the sun is setting. Is something ending here?

Jinshi addresses Maomao as "apothecary." It's respectful in that it acknowledges her for her skills, she may even like being called this, but it's another sign of the distance between the two. I don't know the last time he called her by her name.

Jinshi seems very nervous to bring this up to Maomao. You can hear the tension in his voice. Unusual for Jinshi, when he is usually bold and shameless when interacting with Maomao. It's a sign of just how precarious things are between the two right now. Also, a sign of just how divided Jinshi is about even bringing this suggestion to Maomao.

Jinshi: There's... an official who wants to meet you sometime soon. ... It's...that weirdo I've been telling you about. His name's... Lakan.

A pause. Then a fricking jump scare of Maomao's intense glare! This glare isn't giving Jinshi chills in the fun way. She looks legit scary. It reminds me of a frightened animal that has been backed into a corner and has no choice left but to fight. Lakan is a line she will not cross. An absolute boundary. With one look she declares that there is nothing she won't do to avoid that meeting.

Jinshi: I'll find a way to let him down gently.

Jinshi, Jinshi, Jinshi.... what the hell are you going to do? If you can't convince Maomao to see Lakan, and you won't force her to do it, then your other choice is to go to war with Lakan.

Jinshi: I've never seen her make a face like that. I never want to see it again. Ever.

I hope he means that as I'm going to do everything I can to keep her protect her from Lakan. I hope this is a turning point for Jinshi, where he chooses Maomao in a real way. I hope he won't waver again on this, allowing Lakan room to maneuver Maomao and himself.

Maomao is distressed that Lakan has found her again. She goes to collect medicinal herbs. A familiar and comforting activity.

She is approached by Suirei who cares for the herb garden near the military officers' part of the palace. Maomao questions what Suirei is growing here and Suirei claims she planting a medicine for resurrection?

Maomao has a VERY strong reaction to that. Who has died in Maomao's life that she is that desperate to get back? A family member? Someone she loved? A patient she couldn't save?

Suirei claims to be joking. What a strange lady. Are we absolutely sure she's not on drugs? The music is unsettling in this scene and so is Suirei. She asks how good of an apothecary Maomao is then tells her she's going to plant morning glories here. I happen to know that those are poisonous! Is Suirei hoping to make a poison? Will she try to get Maomao to do it?

The sun is setting over the palace and the music is ominous. Is something serious about to happen in the next episode?

To start at the beginning: Episode 1

Next Episode:

Episode 19

#the apothecary diaries #apothecary diaries #jinshi x maomao #jinshi #jinmao #maomao

[someonetheelusivefangirl]

A Sleepy Boi

(and Impending Danger)🧯

It's been AGES since I last drew and I haven't drawn anything from AA before, so here's a quick redraw!

I might do some more redraws, so if you have any favourite pics of Phoenix or Miles from the series, send them and I maybe I'll use it for my next one!

(Below without shade and highlights because I also like this version.)

I remember being very pleasantly surprised to see artwork of Phoenix outside of the courtroom and without his jacket on when I first watched a playthrough of The Lost Turnabout (little did I know how much more great art and animation was to come in later games~).

Also my poor boi is always having to run around in the one day he has (at most!) to prepare for cases, but I feel like this case would've scarred him from ever catching some rest in the courthouse again.

#my art #phoenix wright #ace attorney #ryunosuke naruhodo #gyakuten saiban #redraw #digital art #poor bb #haven't drawn in so long #and i didn't want to risk not completing it #so i made sure to keep it to a quick drawing #send redraw suggestions! #in case I'm in the mood for drawing again

[bdoubleowo]

inspired by the tags on this post

#i'm a liar i waited to rb the post with “prev brb” until i had completed the art #i wanted the minor comedy of “brb” and coming back with art but i didn't wanna make people wait or risk not finishing it at all #so #these are not very high effort im sorry. i figure i should post more sketchy stuff anyway tho #og post #my art #desert duo #gtws #goodtimeswithscar #good times with scar #grian

[time-is-restored]

btw not to make everything about My Fucking Guy but i honestly think one of the things that seperates q!phil out from the other islanders is the approach he takes to dealing with the lack of agency + control all the islanders have over whatever the fuck the federation's doing.

it shows up most prominently whenever tubbo is excitedly telling him about the 'progress' he's made with cucurucho or various investigations (ie: trapping him into a corner with the 'do you have free will' questions), and phil always shoots it down w an immediate 'that doesn't mean anything. curucuho will say anything to mess with you. you can't take anything he says as true.'

and it's not that phil is... a paticularly pessimistic character? he's just EXTREMELY practical. like, he's yet to give up on anyone EVER finding ANY answers (he was the one who initially gave the federation that one week ultimatum w the cage for a cage stream), he just doesn't trust the idea that curucuho is ever going to voluntarily give them. they're uncontrollable + senseless - you might as well argue with the weather.

and like, if that's how he sees the one (1) and only point of contact the islanders HAD with the federation for months, it explains a lot abt his characters lifestyle! ofc he sits on the wall all day, talking to his kids, and keeping his head down. he believes that the federation wants nothing more than to drag the islanders into sick games + tasks just so they can fuck with their head (ie: curucuho revealing he was the one cellbit gathered all that information for). and while he can't totally PREVENT any of that from ever impacting him, he can make sure his kids are well fed, well protected, and as happy + comfortable as he can manage. this is objectively not a perfect situation, there is a guaranteed amount of suffering + fear that he can't mitigate, but he can at least account for it.

like, he REFUSES to engage. whenever curucho shows up, he treats them with total ambivalence. he's not going to get riled up by anything they do, he's not going to get super attached to the guy, he's just gonna laugh it off and irish goodbye it when things drag on. the ONLY time he's strayed from that general guiding principle has been since he's lost his eggs, and can no longer afford to let the federation's fuckery go: those are his fucking kids.

hence the completely unprecedented levels of outward rage and sadness and terror he shows throughout the birdcage streams - almost all directed directly to cucurucho. it's all a completely fair + proportional response to the horror the islanders are being subjected to, but it feels so different bc until now, q!phil has been so dedicated to not reacting, and not giving the federation any sign that they're actually getting to him.

#qsmp #q!phil #LIKE. does anyone else think this! i genuinely believe its like one of the major #traits of his character i feel like u can trace it through Everything. #the man lives with the constant knowledge that sometimes all it takes is a tempting ravine and a badly timed creeper to end a life #whether that life belongs to a stranger or someone you love more than anything else in the world #you COULD rage against that. you could scream and shout and tear your hair out and grieve for the futility of it all #but what does that change? the days march on. death waits either way #and that's not to say he's a laizesfair kind of guy. anyone who's seen him stress out abt chayanne's risk taking + freak out #whenever his kids don't have enough autofeed grist can see that he cares DEEPLY. which resolves into his very distinctive #defensive + protective playstyle. the goal is not to win the fight the goal is to *survive* the fight etc #but the only way that mindset doesn't spill out into unchecked paranoia + complete agoraphobia is with acceptance #'shit happens: the philza minecraft story' #i also think it even manifests in the nightmare sequence w his last words to chayanne? 'they didn't want us to live. we were never supposed #to survive' or whatever the exact wording was #he is FURIOUS and deeply hurt and sad abt the deaths he says so explicitly later #but at the time the first thing he reaches for is. exhausted acceptance. it wasn't their fault. it wasn't his fault. they did their best. #they could only do so much in the face of the federation's Overwhelming Hostility. y'know? #mine

[dootznbootz]

I feel kind of bad about that post I made talking about how Odysseus would never sacrifice his family to save his own skin while I didn't give a name, I hope that person doesn't feel bad or that they get hate. As I don't want to gatekeep someone's interpretation of the Odyssey but also...while I guess you could claim that he would do that, there's so much MORE evidence as to how he would literally rather be stabbed than see his wife and son have even a splinter

Her rejecting him at first put him in a bad position. Honestly, in an alternate universe, where she didn't accept him or trick him that night, I think the poor guy would've cried himself to sleep again in that separate cot. He'd probably cry to Athena and ask if he did something wrong.

It would probably be an "awkward morning" of Odysseus and Penelope silently doing their things (not bringing up suitors' parents right now. And Odysseus would probably tell Telemachus to not say anything stupid.) and eventually, everything would bubble up out of Odysseus and honestly, I could see him straight up begging her to accept him. Not even caring about how he appeared to others.

Honestly, if she DID take a lover in that time...I think he'd either accept it and just...wander? Around Ithaca as a beggar as he doesn't want to be away from them but if they won't accept him, what else can he do? OR if she had another lover, (War flashback of the shitty retelling where Penelope has an affair) he'd probably kill the lover as let's be honest, Odysseus is basically a Yandere, to put it simply. Touch the wife, you get the knife.

And yeah, he doesn't JUST want his family.

"Oh, he wants to not be in constant danger."

"He just wants to go back to Ithaca."

"He wants to be king again."

Boy howdy, he sure does!!! But if, for example, Penelope and Telemachus for some reason moved to somewhere else? IDK, AU where they permanently moved to Sparta, hanging with Helen and Menelaus, and she didn't remarry or something. He'd be like "Shit, okay, BRB." And go to them. He'd probably have them all go back to Ithaca but still, THEY ARE HIS HOME. They make Ithaca home. Any place is home as long as he has them.

Despite having the opportunity to wed the most beautiful woman in the world, he took the Oath so then he could marry Penelope. And even then, it wasn't "for sure" as he had to race her dad. He did so much simply to have the CHANCE to marry her even though he probably wasn't planning on getting married as he brought no gifts. And he did so much so then he wouldn't have to leave the life they had built together and their young baby.

He could've had ANYONE. Went ANYWHERE. Did ANYTHING and he still wanted THEM.

Like??? Holy shit. This guy would do ANYTHING for them. I mean that's kind of why he's considered to be so "scummy" in how ride or die he is for them and basically a bitch to everyone else. That's what makes him SO different from many of his peers.

Person: Would you rather have your family- Odysseus: Family, always. Person: I didn't even say it yet- Odysseus: I don't fucking care. Always family. Person: Even if it meant you got immortality and a hot goddess for a wife? Odysseus: You act like that's a good thing? That was literally torture. Fuck you. I already have a hot Water Wife™ that I get the privilege to drown in every day. She gave me a wonderful Water Son™ who is the light of my eyes and who I am more proud to be the father of than I am of being the son of an Argonaut Person: Even if I give you a million dollars? Odysseus, acting nonchalant while Penelope picks the person's pockets: As if we can't get that on our own. Person: You'd die? Odysseus: I'll set myself on fire if I have to. Person: ...Okay, new question. Would you rather lose your family- Odysseus: The other option. Always. Person: Even torture? Odysseus: I never said I would like it, just that I would do it. Person: Even yeet a baby?! Odysseus: I'll punt the baby if I have to. It's not like I wanna but I gotta do what I gotta do.

And so on and so forth. You GET IT.

#It's technically not enough as I will not shut up about them EVER but yeah. I have cat on lap. I have a cookie. aaaaaaaaaaaa #I did mean for this to be an apology and it became a rant again. I'm so sorry. but yeah... :'D I'm so fucking sorry. I'm such a bitch #I realized that there really wasn't the best evidence for this idea of him saving himself. there's more evidence to COUNTER that. #I mean he could've killed Penelope because she rejected him at first. HE was at risk because she didn't accept him. #and while he was REALLY fucking hurt and called her cruel. he STILL let her have their bed. Their fancy bed that represented THEM #that he refused to sleep in any other bed but that one but if she's not in it with him? There's no point. #It's not a marriage bed if he can't have the marriage that it represents with it. #sad au where Odysseus isn't accepted and he just...stays and watches... can't even move on because he doesn't want anything else #Mad rambles #shot by odysseus #let's be real. Odysseus is against drowning but if it's from the Water Wife???👀 He'd be fine sinking to the bottom of the “river” #“Get in the Water” sung by Penelope would be a COMPLETELY different...tune. #*coughs* #I feel so insane right now. Yahoo #sdkjfskldjf #essay

[trans-axolotl]

for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

#asks #self harm tw #antipsych #psych abolition #harm reduction #harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like #the co-optation of harm reduction by the gov and nonprofits makes me so fucking annoyed. #i learned harm reduction from other sex workers and drug users bc it was what were doing to survive. to me harm reduction needs to be based #in radical autonomy and liberation and with the understanding that it's totally fine and neutral and okay if ppl never stop #also my own relationship to self harm is not one where stopping it completely is a priority. there's a few forms of self harm i want to sto #bc it's really hard to accurately judge the risks of that self harm. and also because it was really difficult for my loved ones to watch an #i care about that. but i feel totally okay with the thought that cutting may or may not be a part of my future. and that i will find #love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive #as much as there are times i hate it and times that self harm were so incredibly destructive to other parts of my life. it is soooo complex #for me! and i cannot just label it the way psychs want me to #anyway. lots of love anon.

[paperlovesadness]

Me seeing all the comments under Glasto-themed posts blaming Alex for being sick and calling off Dublin

I'm barely able to fold that knife though.... And I'm not trusting myself that it'll stay folded.

#I really have no words for people who lack the basic minimum amounts of sympathy and understanding #and YES IT'S POSSIBLE HIS SYMPTOMS CLEARED UP IN JUST 4 DAYS #am I worried they didn't completely? yes. but they might have. and either way they're Definitely A LOT better after him resting #taking care of himself. possibly getting some meds prescribed. hydrating. not talking. sleeping #What did they want him to do. go out and mime the songs for them? #go up and barely utter some words through the hoarseness - make things worse and call of yhe next month if shows instead? #risk getting actual chronic laryngitis? risk his whole career? #the hell is wrong with people #you've got no idea how scared I was & am for my show that's coming up too. It's like extremely meaningful and important to me #the vision of going helped me through some tougher times #but you know what I'm also scared of? #of one of my favorite artist's getting seriously hurt. #of him beating himself up for disappointing people when there's nothing he can do about it. #can't believe people lack the basic empathy. #i get being disappointed. Sad. Furious even. #be furious with a god if you've got one or the universe or bacteria or the very idea of voice boxes being suspectable to strain #not with the man who's just as frustrated with the situation as you are #AHHHH #(i unfolded the knife safely in the tags. folding it back up) #(I see the typos & I hate em & I'm mad but I won't be doing anything about it. I'm sorry) #// #my posts

[bitacrytic]

Watching stay with me and we're in ep 19.

The boys are friends again.

They're talking to their parents again. The rich ones, I mean.

The secrets are out.

They're celebrating their eighteenth birthdays.

The Yu-Li snack bar is open.

Everything is fucking dandy.

SO WHY ON THIS GREEN FUCKING EARTH DO WE STILL HAVE FIVE MORE EPISODES LEFT!!!!!

What is all this rubbish? because the spoilers I have seen online have already happened. They've fought. They've gotten sick. They've been to the hospital. They've been beaten. So what? What is this show planning now? Should I stop here? Should I just close my eyes and claim that the show ended on a happy note? Because why is there more trouble? Why do we have so many episodes left? What is this?????

#stay with me bl #This was supposed to be my comfort show but I don't think so anymore #I'd assumed all this would have dragged till the last couple of episodes #but if it's been solved by now and the family is back together #then that means problems are coming from outside!!!!!!!!!! #I can't take this #the whole of last year I didn't complete a lot of shows because I wanted my happy endings #should I continue with that tradition now? #i'm enjoying the show too much to stop but I'm tempted to just plug my ears and close my eyes to everything that will happen from 20-24 #but then again #i could be missing out proper family fluff #and I know I haven't seen that classroom kiss #GOD HELP ME #what do I do? #do I risk it for the fluff or keep my sanity and walk away right now?

[reanimatedgh0ul]

i think it'd be interesting if there was a fic premise that involved phantom going to valerie's apartment (bc he knows where she lives bc of life lessons) to apologize to her for exposing her identity to damon bc while danny did this to ultimately keep her out of harm's way it still wasn't right for him to do

meanwhile valerie isn't interested in what he has to say bc she's grounded from ghost hunting bc of him and to her it doesn't matter that town has now decided to go from hating him to loving him all of sudden bc he ultimately saved them but she's ultimately believes he's putting up a front

#also think it'd be interesting if part of the reason why valerie is bitter abt the town loving danny now #is bc he's basically getting all of the credit for saving them #when it's like she risking her neck for them just as much as he was #but she doesn't get sm as a thank you #which if she did bring this complaint up to danny #i think he would thank her for helping him #i mention that last part of valerie putting up a front #bc i do think atp in their relationship valerie's feelings towards have started to become more complicated than she's letting on #her hatred of him is somewhat performative #she doesn't want to sit w the fact that maybe he's not such a bad guy #maybe she was wrong abt him #he didn't have to go out of his way to apologize to her and yet he did #the fact he wanted her to fight by his side during reign storm even though she didn't trust him but he completely trusted her #like that says smth #danny phantom #robi hcs #robi rambles

[dan-sing-in-the-rain]

.

#today i had a really bad day for no reason #when yesterday was so good and i was so happy that the happy was vibrating out of me and i couldn't be calm #and i simply don't know what to do #because i can't keep having days like this and also be a functioning student #but i just don't know what is wrong with me #something is definitely wrong with me #sorry to vent in the tags but i just got out of spiraling pretty badly and needed to feel like i was talking to someone #i thought i was just depressed but then so many small stupid things make me completely lose it #and since i can't scream my lungs out and break things i just freeze and cry and hit my head #which doesn't seem healthy either #maybe i just need a place to scream or something? #but today was so bad that i couldn't even watch the video yet #bc i didn't want to ruin the video with my freakout #maybe it would have calmed me down but i didn't want to risk it #i'm kind of exhausted now #but tomorrow i need to think of what to do bc i don't want to do poorly in school for whatever the heck is wrong with me

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

there's something that I really love about characters who choose to do things that are inherently dangerous, because they're Good things and they love them and they know the risks, they know that those risks are a given, and anything could happen to any of them and they KNOW it.... but they're still shocked and shaken to their absolute core when it does. the line snaps and they knew it was always an option but they never thought it could truly become reality. they've weighed the risks and made their choices but they don't know what to do when those risks turn real.

#vagueblogging for robin #except this time it's mostly for kaylie and called-kept because this is brought on by a sudden influx of feelings about dick grayson #like yes i do know that his parents were murdered. but a fall like that is still a possibility ANYWAY in that profession #and maybe at that age (dick was 9 right?) he didn't quite Get It but like.... falling was always a risk #and i feel like that's just accepted as a given. but the given and the REALITY of it is completely different #same with vigilante stuff. like there's always the option for injury and loss and death. but they do it anyway #idk much about the whole thing where everyone thought bruce was dead but i feel like this applies there too #bc bruce is dick's dad basically for most of his life. and they KNOW that what they do is dangerous #but it's GOOD and WORTH IT and they bring hope and safety at risk of their own!!! #and then bruce is gone. and it's like.... dick must have known the risks and seen them so many times #but bruce??? batman??? dead (or presumed)?? not something that computes #for... any of them honestly but considering what happened to his parents I'm stuck on dickie bestie rn #idk just thinking about the inherent risks of acrobatics and acroBATics and the way they still don't seem quite real until they're TOO real #someone talk to me about this i feel like I'm going insane i just want to hug that circus boy 😭 #Lu rambles #this post is fairly nondescript and can apply to many many things but I'm gonna tag it for my own blog anyway #batfam #dick grayson #meta finding tag