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oliviamillss · 3 years

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reading dreams chart

im only going to use up to orb 3, for stronger accuracy lmao

**if you can’t be bothered to read it all, theres a summary paragraph at the bottom**

sun:

sun in 7th: strong emphasis on relationships. tends to copy others lingo/habits. extroverted. probably ‘needs’ others. only really shows his true self around his close friends/family/partners.

sun at 19 degrees: a libra degree. (emphasis on this bc libra rules 7h), makes him a very charming, likeable, particularly popular guy.

sun opposite ascendant: inner conflict, probably doesn’t feel like people see him for his true self, may struggle showing true self. may feel misunderstood. may need approval/validation a lot.

sun square mars: hints to daddy issues. may struggle with a lot of built up anger and frustration, but it seems like he takes it out very positively, as you can see he is competitive, so i think he lets it out through gaming. probably very energetic, motivated.

sun square saturn: high expectations for himself. probably the type of person to think ‘i’m only good enough if i do this’. probably very hard on himself. also probably very insecure of himself, but doesn’t show it. another sun square masculine planet, more hinting to daddy issues.

moon:

moon in 7th: probably relies on close friends/family/partners a lot. loves to help people, esp people he’s close with (kinda mr beast vibes). probably very like ‘oh shit, he’s sad, i need to do everything within my power to cheer him up’ if that makes sense lmao

moon in virgo: looking after people!!! esp with the sun square saturn,, high expectations. probably a very much perfectionist, which also explains why he is competitive. may ‘always need to be right’. but virgo moons are actually so lovely omfg

moon at 9 degrees: sagittarius degree, likes to help people by optimism, and giving things to the person that they would want (im aware that sounds obvious lmao). probably feels a sense of achievement when cheers them up.

moon square pluto: probably hard time dealing with and growing from negative things that have happened, possibly struggles with letting things go. possibly self destructive (why did that one heatwaves part come to mind), possible trust issues + anxiety, probably very particular about who he lets close into his life, maybe quite protective.

mercury:

mercury in 6th: likes to help people, probably not disappointed if he spends his time working with someone, may struggle with anxiety/depression. a quick learner, probably overthink every word because it wast the ‘perfect’ thing to say.

mercury in leo: funny asf, and out there, also thinks his ideas/things to respond and say are the best, with the 6h and 7h placements, he is open to listen to others, but in the end he only really wants his one lmfao, good with conversation.

mercury at 1 degree: aries degree, another fire placement which emphasises the loud, out there kinda vibes.

mercury trine mc: career and reputation are strongly linked with what he says. (this is obv bc hes famous lmao). he’s smart, particularly with technology and its linked to his career. *im aware this sounds like im just describing him, this is exact so thats why its overly accurate*

mercury opposite neptune: daydreamer, probably has a lot of thoughts and ideas in his head, but they just dont come across right. probably zones out, may struggle with focusing. but very creative, has big and creative ideas. i havent mentioned it before but its come up too many times now, but he has a lot of placements, when manifested badly, creates a good manipulator

mercury square jupiter: optimistic, possibly thinks his ideas are the best (we’ve covered that before), can be really overly talkative or just nothing at all. (i rlly dont know much about this placement)

venus:

venus in 7th: he will have a beautiful relationship with his future partner. charming asfff, probably a good flirt. tends to love love. needs to be liked, sort of a pleaser.

venus in virgo: the type of person to remember everything about the people he cares about. loves to help the people he cares about. probably sees the people he truly loves as ‘perfect’, which may end up being really bad if they’re toxic.

venus in retrograde: struggles feeling loved, possibly feels like he doesn’t deserve love. probably the type to be like ‘how could you ever love me?’

venus square mc: attract people who take care of him. either has self-esteem issues, or is quite a dependant person. creative. may struggle finding people who support his career, or may have to change a few things about himself to be liked by others.

venus trine jupiter: very likeable, and he’s veryyy lucky. he’s funny, and a generous person, probably very giving to his close friends and family. charismatic asfff, likely he will marry someone foreign.

mars:

mars in 9th: more things hinting to attract(ing/ed to) foreigners. loves experiencing things with people he cares about. likes to learn more and more, possibly stubborn, makes sure his opinions are known.

mars in scorpio: that boy needs privacy in his life, doesn’t like being predictable. probably an overthinker. we’ve already known this but he’s definitely a top. probably could get anyone he wants, seductive asfff. also pretty spiteful.

mars at 17 degrees: leo degree, fame bitchesss

mars square ascendant: hates to lose, competitive. people may be intimidated by him at first, can’t really hide anger, pretty stubborn.

mars opposite saturn: really hard on himself. wants to be the best of the best, leader. stands up for himself. another placement hinting to daddy issues. harsh about his work, and himself in general, perfectionist.

mars square uranus: anger may change a lot, a lot of energy, probably struggles to focus, doesn’t like to be the one who is being controlled/has restrictions. probably struggles with authority. outbursts of anger.

jupiter

jupiter in 3rd house: loves writing, and is actually pretty good at it. knows how to talk to people, how to persuade them, and how to manipulate them. good liar, knows how to sell his wants across, how to get what he wants.

jupiter at 4 degrees: cancer degree, cancer rules his 6h. he uses his luck/money to help others.

jupiter square neptune: big dreams, desire to escape the world as it is.

saturn:

saturn in 3rd: afraid of/ is often misunderstood. struggles to open up?, maybe he wasn’t listened to much growing up. hard on himself academically, feels like he isn’t smart enough. hard time expressing himself. maybe feels like noone really cares for what he has to say?

saturn at 16 degrees: cancer degree. idk what else to say abt it lmaoo

saturn square ascendant: quite serious, maybe struggle with the way he looks? possibly quite overwhelmed about his life,, feels like he has too much to do at times. fear of rejectionnn

saturn square uranus: maybe he doesn’t like change, tradition v change clashing. authority troubles. probably needs freedom, but feels unstable without what he’s used to. rebelling against norms.

uranus:

uranus in 12th: probably very curious about unexplainable things, maybe quite into conspiracy theories. two complete ends of the spectrum: fear change/need it, unpredictable things happen/ everythings the same.

uranus at 14 degrees: taurus. taurus ruling 2nd, i guess it shows change in dream’s wealth.

uranus opposite north node (and conj south node): with exceptions, doesn’t like conflict. he is fine with joke conflict, but the second there’s an actual argument he tries to be the ‘peacemaker’ guy. technology is major in his life. also quite nervous about his career/future.

neptune:

neptune in 12th: awful sleep schedule. overworking himself, never relaxing. vivid dreams. once again, this has come up loads and i just haven’t mentioned it: intuitive asf, george is the same. whether either are aware of it or not, they are super intuitive.

neptune at 2 degrees: taurus degree.

neptune sextile mc: creative, also likes helping others, empathy to the public. has big dreams career wise.

pluto:

pluto in 10th: determined person, gets a lot of hate, but also a lot of love. trust issues, persuasion/manipulative abilities. leader leader leader. another hint to daddy issues, maybe privacy invading, maybe overprotective. don’t want to be controlled.

north node:

north node in 6th: overwork himself. but i think we can interpret this as his life goal to be working to help people. literally mr beast. just work hard, and give a lot away. humble.

chiron:

chiron in 9th: possible restriction from either his or his communities beliefs/religions. maybe he’s afraid of leaving where he is right now (sapnap moving to orlando, whenever its brought up its always george coming to orlando)

lilith:

lilith in sagittarius: need for truth. dislikes restrictions. hides emotions, uses humour to avoid them/ make people think they’re okay when they’re not. stubborn asf.

lilith in 10th: tend to be sexualised/ reputations for being sexual. another placement hinting to daddy issues. really wants to be at the top, the most powerful. likes using his dominance/ power to seduce. motivateddd.

lilith conjunct pluto (exact omfg): typical ‘mystery’ guy. probably the mystery/scorpio vibes he pulls off attracts/ seduces people. the most dominant partner ever. sex is probably so intense and overwhelming

moon square lilith: possible mummy issues. his need for sex can change quick asf, from one end of the scale to another. struggles to open up.

i ought to mention!!

there’s a theory that the degree of your venus sign is the birthday of someone who is v important in your life. what’s dreams you may ask? 1. and when are george and sapnap’s birthdays? the 1st. they’re soulmates, your honour.

summary!!!

basically, dream has so much care and love for his friends and family, and probably relies on them a lot. he only shows his true self around them, and he (at least thinks) people don’t really understand him in the way his friends and family do. he is a social person, who’s very likeable and charming. he lovesss helping people, doing everything in his power to cheer others up, he remembers details about the people he loves. he is such a perfectionist, needing to succeed and win and everything, and is very competitive. he probably doesn’t think he’s ‘worthy’ if he’s bad at something. he sets very high expectations for himself. he is very hard on himself. if he wants to, he knows how to manipulate people. he has so so many placements for an amazing manipulator. he may struggle to express himself or open up, and may be hard on himself academically. maybe he doesn’t feel ‘listened to’. a lot of emotions like anger and sex drive may change rapidly for him. he over works himself a lot. a major theme in his life is tradition vs change. he is probably afraid of change, or finds it uncomfortable, or he may have some sort of attachment to traditional values/things, no matter how much he wants to change. he is also a peacemaker. he was born to be loved or hated, kinda like marmite but if the balance was more equal. he doesn’t like restrictions. he uses humour to hide his emotions.

im also thinking of doing a synastry reading between george and dream but idk yet lol

hope you guys enjoyed, this took ages lmao<3

#dream #dreamwastaken #dreamsmp #astrology #chart reading #sun in 7th #famous people chart reading #moon in 7th #mercury in 6th #venus in 7th #mars in 9th #jupiter in 3rd #saturn in 3rd #uranus in 12th #neptune in 12th #lilith in 10th #lilith conjunct pluto #moon square lilith #astrology reading

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legends-live-in-memories · 3 years

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“How Did All This Happen?”- A Memoire by one Marinette Dupain-Cheng 5

hi. im back. after slightly longer than usual (my usual was like everyday, not happening again) i have returned. :) this update is also slightly longer than usual too but who complains about that?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

without further ado

Did Marinette Miss Her Own Wedding? I

Constantine was having a horrible time, as far as Marinette could tell. His phone kept ringing, which he was pointedly ignoring, and he looked more and more frustrated as he skimmed through one of his many grimoires. He was also very sober. Maybe that had something to do with it.

After Marinette’s little excursion out with Plagg the previous night, Constantine joined her and her grandfather and explained the lore behind the Renlings and what they were capable of. Marinette was already over it. It’s one thing to be magical guardians of one set magical gods, but animal spirits that transform the wielder into the respective animal is borderline ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. And Constantine wants her to find them. Why not the Justice League? Or their team of proteges? Well, apparently, Constantine has a healthy distrust of the Justice League and magic they are unfamiliar with. Something about a mystical house no longer existing because somebody was suspicious. They fucked around and found out, as Plagg so eloquently put it. She didn’t know how she felt about aiding Constantine in his paranoia.

Anyways, Marinette was now Constantine’s go-to whenever he wanted to keep things away from the JL. She would have said no like a reasonable person, but she was at least getting more magical training and could actually use some of the spells in the Miraculous grimoire. Speaking of which, the grimoire that Constantine was hunching over was supposed to help them in finding the other Prodigiouses. The Kwamis were surprisingly unhelpful as they have never heard of the Prodigiouses or Renlings.

After what could have been hours of grueling translating and spellwork, Constantine had finally figured out the location of the eight total Renlings and what their prodigiouses looked like. While Marinette and Master Fu began scheming appropriate retrieval plans, Constantine went to answer his many missed calls.

“What?!” Well that sounded concerning. Constantine looked ready to pull his hair out from scalp with tweezers. Whatever news he just received must have been awful for him to lose his composure like this. Good.

“You lot are planning to do what now?” Oh, was this JL business? Should Marinette be listening to this, albeit one-sided, conversation?

“And why do you all need to do this?”

“Don’t give me that attitude. I’m working on something important.”

“Yes it is important, Zatanna. Please don’t let that group of League Juniors do this.”

“You even got me saying ‘please.’ No I can not tell you why”

“Well what do you mean you can’t trust me?!” This was starting to sound serious. The popcorn that Wayzz brought was also making this ten times more entertaining.

“Zatanna-” Oh he got cut off. Serves him right.

“Fine, be that way.” Constantine forcefully ended the call and was pouting like a child.

Marinette didn’t know if she should ask anything but she had the feeling it was related to the prodigiouses and tracking them. Were the League getting involved? It would explain his desperation to not have them interfere.

“I can’t believe them.” Looks like Marinette didn’t have to make the decision after all. He was going to rant about it.

“What can’t you believe, Constantine?” Her grandfather appeared equally as curious.

“The Team are going to try and track down the prodigiouses. Luckily, they only think there are five rather than eight.” He paused to run his hands through his already disheveled hair. “I don’t know which five they’re tracking. Also, they probably know you have the Snake’s Fang.”

“Pardon?” Marinette doesn’t know what she would do if she was on the Justice League’s most wanted.

“Zatanna didn’t outright say it, but Kobra probably told them it was taken from him. That’s probably how they knew about the others too. Thanks for that.”

“First of all, I didn’t even know what these things were so don’t blame me. Second of all, this could have all been avoided if you just told them!” Marinette did not appreciate the blame being put on her for the League’s involvement. She wasn’t done ripping Constantine a new one yet either. “Especially considering the fact that you knew that their secondary team had a mission there. UN rules or not. But no! You wanted to keep all your magical secrets to yourself. So don’t blame me for the consequences of your own actions.” She was fuming at this point, probably overreacting, but she was tired of cleaning up after people who won’t so much as thank her.

The ensuing silence was deafening and eyes that weren’t on Marinette were on Constantine. He looked rather surprised at Marinette’s show of spine, probably forgetting that she was born and raised in the League of Shadows. He never will again if he keeps pushing his luck.

Fu cleared his throat, probably clogged from the awkward tension. “Well, now that that’s all dealt with, do you know what your next move is Constantine? Do we actively hinder the League for the sake of your own peace of mind or do you talk to them and work collaboratively with them?”

Constantine, who was still doing his best fish impersonation since Marinette—no, Mei Fu—dragged him for everything he’s worth, tried to string together an answer.

“I still think it’s best we don’t involve the Justice League with this. We should try to intervene and cut off their attempts of retrieving the prodigiouses.” He sounded like a child trying to convince their parents that they didn’t break the expensive vase. Very pitiful and very unconvincing.

“Fine.” Pardon? Did her grandfather just agree? “We’ll help you keep the prodigiouses and the Renlings away from the Justice League.” Wow. Okay. So he’s just agreeing with him. Three guesses as to who will actually be the one to retrieve them. Wonderful.

Groaning with the weight of a thousand suns, Marinette also voiced her consent. The Kwamis were silent throughout this, not expressing their opinions. Except for Trixx, who had periodically rolled his eyes so hard Marinette would have been concerned he had popped a few blood vessels, if he had any.

They spent the rest of the week planning and convincing her parents that she wasn’t in danger with her grandfather. They agreed that Marinette would retrieve the Dragon’s Claw first. Despite Brazil being closer, the Monkey’s tail would be harder to find in the dense forestry so they didn’t want to waste time on an extended search until much later.

If you were to ask Marinette, the week was not enough to prepare. She made arrangements to stay with the Tsurugi family and convinced Kagami to help her in the mission. Her mother would be providing them with non-miraculous weapons as a back-up. Lady Tomoe was too understanding of her daughter being a magic-wielding superhero in Marinette’s opinion. Not one to look a gifted horse in the mouth, Marinette did not make any comments about the very impressive artillery of weapons. She chose a pair of double broadswords while Kagami stuck to a katana. Kagami also had the Dragon and the Ladybug prepared while Marinette stuck to the Tiger and Horse. Plagg didn’t want to miss out on the action and planned to tag along again. Wayzz made an off-handed comment about Plagg’s sixth sense for chaos and his recent desire to accompany Marinette on these missions. Overthinking whatever that was supposed to mean had cost Marinette six hours of sleep.

While everything had been physically prepared, Marinette had yet to cope with the whole ‘going behind the backs of the Justice League because Constantine was paranoid’ thing. But this will not be the worst thing she has done. She also has the godsend, Kagami, to pull her out of any impending mental spirals. Now all that’s left is to actually get the Dragon’s Claw.

According to Constantine, the Dragon’s Claw was located inside the dojo of a martial arts master, O Sensei. Kagami, to be referred to as Tonbo, meaning Dragonfly, was to guard the perimeter for any individuals who could get in the way, while Marinette, codenamed Tigerlily with this combination of miraculouses, was to find the Dragon’s Claw, camouflaged by the tiger miraculous, and teleport them both back out. It was simple enough in planning and should be simple enough in execution. Even if the sensei of the dojo was to be made aware of their presence, They were expecting the element of surprise to give them an advantage. You know, outside of Marinette’s assassin training. So, yeah the plan was simple.

Except for the part where a group of the young Justice League heroes were already there negotiating with whom she assumed was O sensei. She recognized Kid Flash, Robin and Nightwing. The two women with them were unfamiliar. She also found the Dragon’s Claw in the sensei’s hand. She was positioned on a tree branch looking into a window in the room. If she timed this right, she could grab the necklace and portal out of the room to Tonbo and then portal back to the Tsurugi residence. That plan carries the risk of being seen but the pay-off should be worth it.

Poised to leap from the branch, Tigerlily steadied her breathing and prepared to call on the Horse’s Voyage. Still camouflaged, she jumped through the window and summoned the portal, about to grab for the necklace. Except she grabbed nothing and was suspended in the air.

Who she knew now was Ms. Martian was using her telekinetic abilities to suspend her. Kid Flash sped his way over and quickly tied her, the contact breaking the camouflage charm. They must have figured she would appear at one of the locations eventually and planned a contingency plan for her appearance. The martian hasn’t read her mind yet, so maybe they thought she was non-hostile. That thought wouldn’t last long however as Tonbo emerged from the portal and, using the Flame Dragon, took down Ms. Martian. Tigerlily used the distraction to undo the bindings and get in a fighting stance. Nightwing and Robin were protecting O sensei while Kid Flash and the other woman charged at the two.

Kid Flash was circling the two faster and tighter, corralling them together. Tigerlily drew for her broadswords and slashed the old floor boards. Kicking them in Kid Flash’s path, she knocked him off balance and thumped him the back of the head with the butt of her blade, knocking him down. Tonbo called for her Storm Dragon to subdue her opponent, who was also knocked down, then strung up both with the Ladybug yoyo. Tigerlily began a steady approach to the two batboys. She was ready to attack first but Nightwing got the upper hand. He drew his escrima sticks and swiped for Tigerlily’s head. She blocked with one sword and jump kicked to his chest, missing him entirely as he had crouched to sweep her legs from underneath her. Rolling out of the fall, Tigerlily slashed for his rising back but he intercepted with his other stick. He turned to face her and barrelled his full strength into her. They crashed into the nearby wall and at a standstill.

Tonbo was caught in a clash of katanas with Robin, neither side giving way to the other. If Tigerlily was more conscious of their fight than her own, she would have noticed familiar fighting techniques that were ingrained in her since birth. Alas, her attention was on the blue bird in front of her. Using his force that kept her against the wall, She double kicked him in the chest, forcing him away. Robin and Tonbo had broken away from each other and Tonbo aimed to stab Nightwing in the leg. Nonfatally of course, she wasn’t an ex-assassin as far as Tigerlily knew. Right?

Anyways, her attack switched up the fight as now Tigerlily tried to dodge under Robin's incoming blade. Sliding on her knees, she reached to where O sensei was situated with the Dragon’s Claw. Frustrated with the night’s turn of events and forgetting all sense of pleasantries, Tigerlily tried to grab for the necklace. The business end of a katana was swiftly placed under her jaw. One wrong move meant game over.

“What do you want with the Dragon’s Claw?” Robin sounded like he was holding back from saying something.

“An acquaintance of mine wishes for you all to not have it. I am merely doing him a favor, Tweety Bird.” Where did that nickname come from? She must have been internally catastrophizing more than she thought she was if she was actually trying to flirt her way out of this. Tonbo’s exasperation was made loud and clear with that answering sigh.

“Flattery gets you nowhere, Mei.” Robin’s arm twitched at that.

“Wait, you know her?” “You know him?” Nightwing’s and Tonbo’s voices overlapped but Tigerlily registered none of it as her ears were ringing with spiked emotions she thought she had buried years ago. Only a few people knew her by that name. Kagami, Chloe, Luka and Adrien were the only people outside of the League of Shadows who knew her by that name. Even then, there was only one person her age with the Shadows who knew her. But it couldn’t be him. He was supposed to be dead. There was no way in hell that the Boy Wonder holding a katana to her throat was—

“Damian?!”

Taglist:

@deathwishy @neakco @virtualreading @f-rget-lt @your-resident-chicken-nugget @nathleigh @toodaloo-kangaroo @irontimetravelflower @trippingovermyfeet @t1dwarrior-of-earth @tip-tap-tired @fidget-eep @thenillabean @officiallydarkgeek @mystery-5-5 @moonlightstar64 @just-an-observer-ignore-me @nightstarblue @certainmuffinbagelcalzone @fan-written @jjmjjktth @vixen-uchiha @zorua-adorable @nnon-it-up

#maribat #mlb x dc #daminette #badass!marinette dupain cheng #maridami #hdath #if you asked to be on the taglist but arent there let me know #hehehehe #i forgot to proofread oops #no beta we die like jason

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colorseeingchick · 3 years

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Hey Can I ask for a self ship date pls ? I’m a 18yo girl who is 173 cm of chaos and my heart has been stolen by Kise Ryouta from KNB 😩.

We may be very different, he’s more of a warm and a social person while i’m cold in the clouds and ambiverted but his smile, his laugh and how he’s dedicated in basketball made me lose it. I find his whole personality interesting even the more cold and ugly parts of him and he has the pretty face for him too but i’m not the kind of person who can just fall for apparence. He have such a voice too 😳 He has that charming aura, playful but yet still lighthearted and funny. He being two-faced surprisingly don’t bother me that much somehow i understand from where hes coming from. I relate a lot to his overachiever and need to handle all things himself to the point of hurting. As a basketb fan i am also enamored w his way of playing, i gen think he is the best of gom he always do his best to the point of barely breathing and honestly i relate to this too when im into something i love. His quick learning abilities are hyper and i like how Kise try to be honest w himself. I like also the balance he have w masculine and feminine energy and don’t mind him being a dork. His relationship w others characters are gold too like w Aomine and i can see him showing me affection to my touch starved self and just general affection i lack in general even if i don’t say it. Also i can imagine a certain dynamic between us where no one is the lead of the couple but we’re on equal terms.

Now more about me i am an ENTP 8w7, I am independent, creative, honest, prideful and « generous » i don’t think that last one much but my close one describe me like this. I’m very curious, likes experimenting and new things. I am funny/sarcastic, playful and as it iam very memeable but surprisingly top student here who doesn’t behave like it at all both in class and just in general. My aesthetic is a weird mix of everything i love so i am both a tomboy, alt and a baddie somehow. I am into law and economics studies and can talk french, korean and spanish as i learn languages in my free time by myself. I do read, write, draw and listen to music, play all sort of games including sports, get on a walk from time to time, eat cuz food is delicious and just learn in general. I have kind of ✨trust issues ✨so i don’t have many friends. But you sure will have fun w me ! I don’t about chill i have some temper but sure im pretty cool and open minded ! In love i really am a mess, i’m easily flustered but act cool to hide it and because of that i look like someone confident and mysterious except i am not the first one and ugh im lowkey a tsundere so it’s difficult to assume my feelings. But i swear i try !

Thank you for reading me ! I hope i didn’t bother you much.

You didn't bother me at all hun! This was a lot of fun to write so I hope you enjoy :) I think I have a pretty fun date planned for you two if I do say so myself hehe.

Premise: Kise got to know you throughout high school, and saw you as different from his other fangirls. Even though it wasn’t basketball, you also stood out at the top of your class, making you noticeable to Kise. You were actually a good friend (a cute friend at that) and he decided that he wanted to take you on a date during your 3rd year (once the basketball season was over and he had time to make for you). Knowing how fun you are, he had the perfect plan.

As you look into the mirror to examine your outfit, your phone buzzes with the “I’m hereeee ;)” text. You’d decided to lean into your tomboy vibes, given that Kise told you to ‘get ready to do stuff,’ which was not very informative, but exciting nonetheless.

As you walk out, you’re greeted by the blonde man dressed handsome as ever, a dark long sleeve shirt with fitting jeans, his silver hoop shining as the sun starts to set.

“Ready Y/N-chi?” He asks you, smiling as he overdramatically offers his hand for you to grab.

“Ready as ever~” you say as you grab his hand. He pulls you close and winks, flustering you right from the start.

“If I remember correctly, you said something about this being the best date I ever go on?” You take your chance to poke fun at him as well.

“Oh honey, it will be.” You can see the way his eyes shine and his mischievous grin as he walks with a nice hop in his step, guiding you towards the train station.

The train ride was pleasant, his hands protectively on your shoulder and a mean glare on his pretty features when other men looked at you or got too close, but his face was calm as he comfortably bantered with you (you on the other hand were quite unbothered by it all). Once you finally arrived at your destination, you found yourself in the lively district of the city, flooded with restaurants and shops all open late night.

“I forgot how beautiful this area is at night!” You can’t help but say as you look at all the beautiful lights and architecture.

“I had to take a pretty girl to a pretty place, you know?” He squeezes your hand as he drags you along once again, until you end up at your destination.

“I think this’ll be a lot of fun,” he says to you as he pushes open the doors to the arcade, letting all the dark lights and glowing games illuminate your sight.

He buys the coins for you both to play (He’d asked prior if it’d be okay for him to pay for you this date, and you’d agreed), and you set off to play all sorts of games.

It was a lot of fun for the both of you. While the games were enjoyable, playing them with him made it all the better. He also never missed an opportunity to flirt with you, and playing games made it easy. Both of you being overachievers, with Kise being a quick learner and you being open to trying new things made the experience amazing.

“Here, stand like this and loosen your wrists up for a better shot.” you both were playing the basketball game, and to no surprise Kise had absolutely killed it. Now here he is, helping adjust your shot. Standing behind you, he lightly adjusts your waist, turning you a little bit to help your footing. His hands then move up to your shoulders, then down to your wrists, helping guide your form and placement on the ball. While you were learning from him, it was hard to focus with him this close to you. “Y/N-chi, you can focus on me later. You should focus on your shot for now.” He says lowly, teasingly, watching carefully as your face erupts into red. He really did love teasing you, the usually calm, collected, confident top student.

Admittedly, you feel like you got back at him when you watch him try the crane game (the ones filled with stuffed animals) and he couldn’t get it after 7 tries. The frustration was clear in his face, his impatience rising.

“This game is rigged, I know it!”

You ask to try and of course he complies. However, he’s not ready for you to get a cute little stuffed panda on your first try. Suddenly, he’s a lot more embarrassed than you were earlier.

“You definitely used magic or something.” His pout is both adorable and hilarious to you.

You laugh as you hand him the panda. “Here!”

Looking down at the panda and then looking back up at you, he asks, “for me? But you won it!”

“But I want you to have it. It’s cute like you, Kise-kun.”

A huge smile crosses his face as he pulls you into a hug, spinning you around. “Y/n-chi!!!! You’re so generous!! Giving me your stuffed panda~ I’ll take good care of it.”

You have a nice laugh as you watch Kise end the night out by playing Dance Dance Revolution, not afraid to be a bit flamboyant as he goes all out with the footwork and does really well at the game.

After collecting all your tickets, Kise takes you up to the rewards table, telling you that he knows exactly what he wants to get.

“And we have enough tickets for it! Great.”

You can’t help but smile when Kise points to the GIANT stuffed panda hanging on the wall.

“I thought you weren’t the type to return favors,” you recall what he said during a game with Seirin from a long while back.

He blushes, thinking about what he said. “I’m not, just one upping you,” he jokes, sticking his tongue out at you, letting you nudge him in return.

“Do you wanna get food, Y/N-chi?” He asks, his arm wrapped around your shoulder.

“Sure, from where?”

“You decide. I decided on the arcade, you can decide dinner.” He looks at you with a smile, thinking back on how fun the whole night had been. “But I get to decide dinner next time.”

“Next time?” You shoot back, eyebrows raised, a smile forming on your face. “Who said I’d go out with you a next time?”

At your comment, his smile falters as he stares at you for a good second. He gets all serious suddenly, pulling you close (with a giant panda pressed into your side) and making you look into his eyes. “Y/N-chi, would you please go out with me again? Tell me you will!”

Giggling, you smile up at him. “Of course, Kise-kun.”

He sighs out and hums in approval, before pressing a small kiss onto your cheek. “Call me Ryouta.”

Ahhh I hope you enjoyed it! I tried to incorporate as many elements as I could! Please do let me know what you think <3 this was so fun!!!!

#knb #knb matchup #kuroko no basquet #kuroko no basket #kise ryouta #kise fluff #CSC hits 200 #colorseeingchick milestone

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blueskittlesart · 4 years

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i am in a sad. how about some hc characteristics for link and zelda

this is so long because i have so many feelings and half of this is more analysis of their canon characters than headcanons but its IMPORTANT so i cant omit any of it but i dont want to make a super long post analyzing video game characters so it’s under the readmore hgfdfghj

SO link was always a very quiet kid even before the sword and everything. He wouldn’t speak unless spoken to and was shy enough that he had trouble socializing with the other kids in his village. However i dont think it really would have bothered him that much?? he found his own ways to have fun, climbing trees or shield surfing down the hills around hateno. Even as a kid, he was very independent and had a tendency to want to resolve problems on his own without going to anyone else for help, so he’d come home with two skinned knees insisting that he was fine and he didn’t need his mother’s help bandaging them up. (yes this drove his mother crazy, yes mipha also had to deal with this shit and that’s what made that cutscene between them so intimate, it was her telling him that he’s allowed to trust her enough to let her help and that she will always be there to heal him as many times as it takes. dont talk to me) Through his memories we see that zelda thinks, or thought, that he unquestioningly accepted his duty as the hylian champion and never had any struggles with his place in the world, but zelda tends to take things at face value and i find it hard to believe that link never had any regrets about his position. He was put into training as young as twelve years old, essentially taken away from his family and his life in order to serve a higher destiny. I think it probably lead to link placing all his value on how he can serve others. As far as he’s concerned, his only worth is contingent on his ability to protect and serve zelda and the other champions, which is why we see so much of him getting hurt or being reckless in order to protect others; he believes on some level that if he fails to be a good soldier he will not matter to anyone anymore. his only worth in his mind is based on how he can be “useful.” On a less depressing note tho i think hes very good with animals, espc horses! he finds them easier to interact with than people. dogs are the same, theres a reason it only takes like a minute of him standing in front of a dog for it to follow him wherever he goes. He also likes to cook and that’s not even a hc have you seen the little graphics for all the different food he can make? the PRESENTATION. he’s very deliberate in little things like that because it MATTERS to him that what he makes looks good! not for any particular reason, not to impress anyone but because he’s made it for himself and he wants to take pride in what he’s made. thanks for coming to my ted talk

Ok now on to zelda. She has a lot more canon personality than link which like. she’s an npc and link is the player character so that’s to be expected BUT i still have a lot to say about her character. She’s headstrong and stubborn and emotional and it gets her into trouble. She has a tendency to take things at face value and she lets her emotions take over very quickly, which puts a strain on her relationships with others. Due to her status and the prophecy she was supposed to fulfill she was incredibly isolated as a child. she hardly ever interacted with anyone her own age, which is why she treats link the way she does at first; she doesn’t have any experience with anyone who isn’t required to be around her. She’s used to being condescended to while simultaneously being expected to be perfect in everything she does, and it’s made her... mean. she deliberately pushes people (read: link) away because she believes that no one really cares about her outside of her status and her supposed power, and what we see of her father’s actions only reinforce that perspective. she and link are very VERY similar in that regard, in that they place all their self-worth on their importance as hyrule’s prophecized saviors. the difference between them is that zelda fails, she is unable to be the perfect princess she is expected to be, and she has a support system in urbosa (and link, and as far as im concerned mipha too even tho they aren’t shown to be friends in canon) that allows her to recover from the trauma that forced her into that mindset. she learns to be more empathetic, she stops pushing people away and begins to consider how her actions affect others. she doesn’t necessarily lose the idea that she has to be useful completely, but she becomes aware of it and makes an effort to not take out her frustrations with herself on other people. Ok thats most of my Thoughts out of the way so onto the less depressing stuff, Zelda is INCREDIBLY smart. like child prodigy level intelligence. Her mind is very mathematically oriented, which is partially why she’s so drawn to sheikah tech. it’s something she understands very easily and can break down to its most bare functions in a matter of minutes. she was instrumental in getting literal ANCIENT TECH to work again and was respected by sheikah scholars. She is also very very curious, which helps her out in certain situations, but can be... problematic in others. she doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone. shes essentially always turned up to 11. She’s interested in animals, like link, but her interest is from a much more scientific standpoint than his. She has trouble with animals that require a more empathetic approach, like horses, because she prefers to think of animals and plants in terms of their benefit to her: a horse is transportation, a frog could be used in an elixir or a dish, etc etc. her curiosity and willingness to learn help her out a lot post-calamity when she finds herself traveling hyrule with link. though not very adept with weapons, at least at first, her quick thinking makes her a good strategist. she’s adept at finding weaknesses in enemies that may be less obvious to a common soldier (cough cough she literally highlights ganon’s weaknesses in the final battle of botw and i want them to keep that motif in botw2 because it makes so much sense for her nintendo PLEASE)

HELP THIS IS SO LONG AND IT CAN BARELY EVEN BE CONSIDERED HEADCANONS IM SO SORRY I JUST. HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABT BOTW LINK AND ZELDA DONT TALK TO ME

#what if instead of analyzing a book for my english summer work i just analyzed link and zelda's characters in botw #hey mr k heres a 17 page essay about a topic i was NOT supposed to write about no i didnt do the actual essay but this is good analysis i s #asks #im literally embarassed to post this bc its like the mortifying ordeal of everyone knowing how much i think about video game characters #sailorrinn #ALSO THESE R LIKE LOWKEY HIGHKEY DEPRESSING ANALYSIS I KNOW YOU SAID YOU WERE SAD BUT THESE PROBABLY WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY IM SORRY #wait holy shit did they remove the character limit on tags?? that last tag was so long but it let me type the whole thing

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ymiwritesstuff · 4 years

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hi!! oml i just learned about tumblr and i first stumbled on ur account, and now im obssessed, ur work is amazing jesifeusjejd. could i request kakyoin with an s/o that wears contacts or glasses, and is blind as a bat without it, but often misplaces it? thank you, much love ❤

AAahh thank you so much for your kind words anon! Truly, I appreciate them so much. This request was super cute and I hope you enjoy. Thank you so much for the request!

Poor Vision

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 3: Stardust Crusaders

Noriaki Kakyoin x Fem!Reader

Summary: Having poor vision wasn’t too difficult to deal with if it wasn’t for the fact that your glasses seemed to always downright walk off your head, forcing you to rely on others’ help to find them. Luckily Kakyoin was perfect for the job.

During your quite unexpected yet strangely delightful journey with the crusaders you had learned a great range of things. From basic stand combat to quite simple tips on how to survive in the most extreme climates. The crusaders consisted of many different people with many different skills and assets and you were more than happy to travel and learn new things with them. However something you hadn’t learned was to keep track of your glasses. You always managed to lose them sometimes in the most bizarre of locations. Sometimes they would hide themselves under a bed you were sleeping in and other times you found them in places you never thought a pair of glasses could get into.

Losing your glasses wouldn’t be a big problem if your vision wasn’t utterly horrible without their aid. It was like your (E/C) practically fell off your head every time you recklessly lost your specs. More often than not you had to rely on the others’ help in the quest to find your glasses, one time requiring Joseph’s stand abilities. Needless to say a part of you did feel a bit bad for having to bother the crusaders with the same issue over and over, thinking that one day they would just downright refuse and leave you with practically no eyesight.

But of course you knew this wasn’t the case and the men you traveled with gladly helped you every time. Especially Kakyoin. He was the one to help you the most, likely due to the deep relationship you two had. Every time your glasses weren’t on your head, Kakyoin was the first one to offer his help and always managed to find your precious item, making you feel a great amount of gratitude towards the red haired teen. He was your biggest savior, one of the many things that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

The fresh feeling after taking a shower engulfs your entire body pleasantly, as you take one of the hotel’s bathrobes and carefully put it on. It had been a good while since you had taken a proper shower due to the constant enemy stand attacks taking up most of your time so finally being able to wash all the dirt away was definitely appreciated.

You step out of the bathroom, holding on to the door frame as your eyes were completely blurry due to the absence of your glasses. However getting them back on was an easy task as you had placed them on a dresser just in front of the bathroom door. You take a step forward towards the dresser that you can just barely see and place your hands on it, trying to look for your glasses. But for some reason your fingers can’t feel the familiar material. You narrow your eyes and soon notice that they aren’t on the dresser like you remembered.

A sigh of frustration leaves your mouth. Great. Yet again you had managed to misplace the most important item in your possession. You quickly move your eyes to the far end of the room and notice Kakyoin sitting on the bed with a book in hand. “Hey, Nori?” His gaze lifts up, a curious look apparent on his face. “Yes, (Name)?” He gets up and walks beside you, keeping his lavender eyes on your form. “Well.. I lost my glasses..” You say, glancing at your bare feet. You did feel a certain amount of embarrassment as this had already been the fifth time you had lost your glasses during the stay in this particular hotel.

Kakyoin lets out a chuckle, finding your current state quite adorable. He understood how you felt and tried his best to assure you that helping you wasn’t a burden of any kind to him. “Oh, you mean these?” Your gaze lifts up and you see Kakyoin holding up a familiar pair of eyeglasses. The scene isn’t anything new but you still crack a smile as he gently places them on your head, finally improving your vision. You can now see his stunning smile clearly, causing you to crack one of your own. “What would you do without me?” He asks and places a gentle, loving kiss on your forehead.

“Well, I’d be blind and never see your handsome face again,” You fake a pout, wrapping your arms around his neck while his remain on your waist. The improved vision allows you to notice a shade of pink painting itself across his cheeks, a loving yet somewhat teasing smile on his lips. “You think getting glasses like yours would improve my appearance?” He asks, obvious hints of playfulness in his voice. You join in his little game and wonder for a moment as if to answer his question seriously.

“Well I definitely think that a pair of sunglasses would make you look quite resplendent,” You say, trying to contain the giggles bubbling in your throat. Kakyoin laughs at your words and kisses you on the lips, an action which you happily return.

In all seriousness you didn’t know what you would do if Kakyoin wasn’t there for you. You felt extremely lucky having him by your side and finding your glasses that you so often lost. With him by your side, everything was perfect and not even your poor vision could prevent you from seeing just how important the lavender eyed teen was to you. Kakyoin made it feel like your vision was never poor to begin with. And you loved him for that.

#jojo #jjba #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #jjba x reader #jojo x reader #jojo's bizarre adventure x reader #Noriaki Kakyoin #noriaki kakyoin x reader #jjba noriaki kakyoin #kakyoin #jojo part 3 #jojo's bizarre adventure stardust crusaders #kakyoin x reader #jjba kakyoin

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the-marvel-imagines-blog · 5 years

Text

Madness | Chpt. 10

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Belonging Nowhere”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 3,815

Warnings: ???

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

Summary: Eva’s departure is felt throughout the whole of Asgard. When the God of Thunder discovers her absence, Heimdall shows how willing he is to live up to the promise he made. Aaldir offers fatherly advice to the worried Prince.

A/N: This chapter, as you may notice, is shorter than the previous one. I’m sorry for my short hiatus. With work, college, and life all happening at the same time, I’m losing track of the time. To those of you who waited patiently, reaching out to check on me, YOU are what makes the hard days seem easier. Once again, you’re all so amazing for even reading this in the first place. I love all of you so, so, so much <3 -Ellie

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny @xletmetaste-yoursmilex @itsknife2meetu @mynameisyara (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

*Thor’s POV*

I wasted no time racing to the Bifrost at the end of the Rainbow Bridge to confront Heimdall. As soon as I read the note that Aaldir gave to me, I went into a rage. Eva was one of the most brilliant women I had ever met, and I didn’t understand how she could have been so ignorant to believe that she could be needed anywhere other than right here. She was continuing her reckless behavior that I thought we had gotten past after New York. As soon as I entered the Bifrost, Heimdall turned to face me, “you noticed her absence, just as everyone else did,” he noted, reminding me that she was just as much a part of Asgard as the air we all breathed. Her absence left a hole in the hearts of every Asgardian, young and old.

“Why did she leave?” I asked, my voice deep and urgent, “why did you send her to Midgard without telling me?” I asked, feeling like I was being spread too thin. Between ongoing problems with my father, my conflict over Loki, the newest prisoner, and the looming threat of Cul and his armies, I was at my wits end. I needed some explanation as to why my most trusted friend and advisor ran off to Midgard.

Heimdall gazed back out at the universe, calm as ever. His face had always been hard as stone. It was impossible for me to see any change in emotion, though Eva always claimed she could sense what he was feeling. I never believed her, thinking it was her way of gloating or bragging. Still, I couldn’t read him in that moment or any moment that had come before, “I am not at liberty to say,” he answered nonchalantly. His voice always captivated Eva, and I loved watching her as she listened to him speak. He continued before my mind could carry me away with thoughts of her, “she told me to keep the reason as to her sudden departure a secret between the two of us, and I intend to keep it that way,” he added, loyal as ever to her.

“Send me down there at once,” I demanded, tired of the games she always played. While I was sure this was no such thing, it was frustrating that she disappeared at random without giving us any answers at all. I didn’t intend to keep tabs on her at all times, but with what happened between her and Ezra, I was afraid that she was going to go back down a destructive path. She had encountered a threat that was much greater than we were prepared for, Loki’s fate was still hanging in the balance, and she was lost in all of it. She was hanging on by a thread, and I was afraid that she would reach her breaking point soon enough. Feeling as if my demand had fallen on deaf ears, I repeated myself, “send me down to Midgard at once!” I ordered, straightening my shoulders.

Heimdall shook his head, “no,” he answered simply.

My eyes widened as he disobeyed my blatant order, but I knew that even if my father had ordered him to do so, if he made a promise to Eva, he would keep it. I growled, “I demand it!”

He glanced over at me, amber eyes boring into my own, and I could finally see what Eva always claimed she could see. He was loyal to those he cared for, and no matter how close we were, he understood Eva better than anyone else, and she understood him with the same intensity and clarity. While Eva belonged here, she had always been on the outside, just like Heimdall. They were both wanderers, warriors, and keepers of the stars. I saw his love for her in that moment, “that’s unfortunate because I will not grant you passage to Midgard,” he stated before gazing back out at the fast universe, “I promised Lady Eva that I would not allow you to follow her. I gave her my word that she would not be trailed unless her life was in grave danger, and I would never dream of going back on my word to her,” he explained, grasping the handle of his sword tightly.

“I am the Prince of Asgard!” I reminded him, my voice nearly causing the entire Bifrost to shake.

His head snapped around, and our eyes met once more, “and she is the Princess!” he boomed, my voice having paled in comparison to his. The anger melted away from his features just as quickly as it had shown itself, but he could not take the words back, no matter how hard he tried. Of course, Eva wasn’t of the royal family, so she wasn’t a princess by blood, nor was she by marriage, since she had never married Loki or I. In the eyes of the Asgardian people, though, Eva was a princess, and they loved her like a queen. She was the lifeblood of our world, and the people saw that as time passed. Perhaps Heimdall wasn’t above those emotions. He sighed, “I gave her my word, and I will not break it. You often forget that she is far stronger and far more capable than anyone has ever given her credit for. She has fought off entire armies on her own. Lady Eva has always been full of surprises, and this is no different,” he reminded me of the countless times I watched the beautiful warrior on the battlefield. She fought as if she was dancing, every movement fluid and flowing right into the next.

I huffed, “if anything changes, alert me at once,” I demanded, hating the fact that I had to leave her safety in the hands of anyone else. The last time I trusted someone with her life, I almost lost her. While she wasn’t mine, nor would she ever be, she was still my very best friend and most trusted confidante. I wouldn’t know what to do with my life if I didn’t have her.

“That goes double for me,” that familiar voice sounded from behind me. As I turned around, I saw the God of Mercy standing directly behind me. I wasn’t sure how much of my argument with Heimdall he had heard, but it caused a certain level of shame within me to think that I was doubting her abilities even more than her own father, a man who-after all he had lost-would have been more protective of her now more than ever before. His eyes were warm and welcoming as they had always been, but there was a sorrow within them that had never gone away since Loki’s turn, since his fall, since her. With the recent loss of Hjalmar and with Eva leaving Asgard, he looked more put together than I had expected. Still, his dark hair was disheveled just enough to give me the answers to the questions I wouldn’t dare ask him, no matter how merciful I knew he would be.

He motioned for me to join in, to walk back across the bridge with him. A look of peace and serenity fell across his features, much like what happened with Eva when she knew I needed her to be strong for me. I would never ask for her, but she could always feel it. There were countless times when she would show up out of the blue just to talk or sit with me because she could feel my troubled mind. She didn’t limit this behavior to just members of the royal family or those she was closest to, either. Eva would often roam the streets of Asgard, even as a young girl, and listen for the cries of a child, the broken heart of a father who lost his son in battle, the widowed mother who was raising her children alone, the sounds of silence where she knew she was needed, and without accepting any payment in return, she would sit with each of them. Any man, woman, or child was under her care, and they loved her all the more for her acts of selflessness.

I wasn’t certain if she was born with that heart, or if she inherited pieces of it from the man beside me. As Aaldir and I walked along the Rainbow Bridge, I had one of the most selfish fleeting thoughts in my life. I wished she would leave others to their own devices. It wasn’t a wish that would benefit her, as I was well aware that the times she was helpless to lift people up when they fell, a piece of her died. It was a wish made purely out of my selfish desire to protect her, to shelter her. A part of me couldn’t see her as the warrior she was, as the strong leader I knew she could be. I would always see her as this fragile little girl that the world wanted to break, but she was strong from the beginning, far stronger than I could ever even hope to be.

“I know that feeling,” Aaldir noted, cutting off my train of thought.

I furrowed my eyebrows and glanced over at him, curious as to what he was talking about, “what do you mean?” I asked as our eyes met. Eva and him looked so different, which was to be expected since they were not related by blood. However, they looked so similar at the same time, skin that was kissed by the sun, innocent and pained eyes under full brows, the most perfect facial structure I had ever seen, as if they had been crafted by angels. Eva always said that it was because they shared the same life energy, that all things were connected, but she had the strongest connection to him because he chose her, raised her, taught her, and loved her.

He smirked, “you would rather her be miserable and safe with you than fulfilled and in potential danger. I know that feeling all too well,” he stated, taking me by surprise. He had always praised and admired her independence, so I didn’t think he could possibly understand my dilemma. He chuckled, “I taught her how to fight, and she soon became so powerful that there was nothing left for me to teach her. I didn’t teach her how to fight with the hope that she would seek war and blood but with the hope that she would fight for what she believed in, what she loved, and she has done that. I taught her how to love by loving her unconditionally, and she soon loved everything around her with that unconditional love but only one person even more than that-your brother. I didn’t teach her how to love with the hope that she would have her heart broken but with the hope that she wouldn’t be afraid to love, even if it meant having her heart broken,” he explained, his voice softening as his eyes glossed over with tears that I had never seen him allow to fall.

“I taught her everything I knew about life, love, war, death, pain, and suffering. It wasn’t with the hope that she would run off and put her life at risk, but it was with the hope that if she chose to do that, she was as prepared as possible,” he explained, blinking away the tears that always rose to his eyes when he talked about Eva. She was the light of his life, his pride and joy, his everything. He cleared his throat, “so, trust me when I tell you that I know how it feels to want to shelter her. I’m her father; I know all about that. However, the one thing that makes it easier is that I know there will come a day when I can’t be beside her, when I die a warrior’s death, and from that moment on, she will need to be her own guiding light, her own protector, her own hero. And if my time with her is limited to this lifetime, I want to see her smile as often as possible because that’s what gives my life meaning, to see that my children are happy,” he explained, silence finally falling between us again.

After thinking on his words for a moment, I spoke, “but how can you be so comfortable when she leaves for Midgard without saying a word about it to anyone? How can you be so calm when she could be in danger, when there is a possibility that she may not come home?” I asked, my mind racing with thoughts of her possible demise. Ever since the battle with Ezra, she had been acting strange, almost as if she was trying to hide something from me. I didn’t know what it was or why she was acting so distant, and I just wanted answers. I glanced over at Aaldir again, “how can you be so comfortable when she’s putting her life at risk?”

“Because it’s not my place to make decisions in her life. She’s my daughter, yes, but she’s her own young woman. I make my own decisions that impact my life, so what gives me the right to make her decisions for her?” he asked, challenging my train of thought, “the only time I’ve seen her happier than when she was with your brother was when she felt she had done right by herself. She needed to be on Midgard to do what she felt was right. She followed her heart, and it led her there. Who are we to discourage that?”

I shook my head, “people who care about her safety and security,” I answered, not understanding how he could be so blind to her self-destructive behavior, “I know that you raised warriors, and I owe all my skills to you as well. I just feel like Eva is throwing that all away to chase a fantasy. She has always put the lives of others before her own. If she can subdue an opponent instead of killing them, she does. If she can talk someone down instead of hurting them, she takes that route. It has been a dangerous path for her to tread. The greatest warriors live to fight another day, and she seems like she’s on a mission to get herself killed,” I rambled, feeling out of breath.

Aaldir let the silence fall between us as he thought of what to say in response to my argument. To question Eva and her decisions was a dangerous game to play, especially when I was talking to her father, the man who trusted her judgement more than he trusted anyone else, “the greatest warriors are ones who fight for others without need for recognition. They give up their comfort and peace to ensure it in the lives of others. They don’t need parades or words of praise or even love and admiration from the people they’re protecting. They are not loyal to a person or to a throne, but they are loyal to their moral code...to life. They’re the warriors who would forfeit their lives for the ones they fight for and the ones they fight beside. My son was one of those warriors, and my daughter is the greatest warrior I know,” he explained, wanting to make me understand just how honorable a warrior she was, “she jumped in front of a sword for you and-”

I cut him off, “and nearly got herself killed in the process!” I reminded him.

“It was to protect you!” he exclaimed, his voice growing louder as he saw that I was growing more and more frustrated at the situation we found ourselves in.

I was powerless to do anything to bring her back home, and I felt like I was being left out of her decisions. It hadn’t been like she included me much in the decision-making process in the first place, but to be completely oblivious to what was going on upset me, “she’s acting erratically and defiantly, and her trip to Midgard proves that,” I stated, my anger continuing to well up within me.

He smiled to himself, his eyes telling a story of a time long ago, a time I was a stranger to, “her trip to Midgard proves only one thing, and that’s the simple fact that she is willing to do anything and everything to protect the people she loves most. Tony Stark is among those people whether you like it or not. And you know what's at stake for her on Midgard,” he reminded me as we finally reached the palace. I knew exactly what he was talking about, as I had met her on many occasions. I knew that Eva’s soul was torn between here and Midgard, and I always felt my heart aching for her. She wanted to be close to those she loved here but also those she loved on Midgard. At the mere mention of her, I became quiet once more, my anger and frustration around the situation falling away.

In my silence, Aaldir continued, “Eva has always been a free spirit, flowing like the waves and going wherever the summer breeze took her,” he reminisced, thinking of the girl who turned him into something more than just a warrior. Where he had once been one of Asgard’s greatest warriors, nothing more and nothing less, he was a loving father before anything else. She taught him just as much as he taught her, and I saw it in him every day. He changed little by little every moment he spent with her, “nothing and no one could tie her down, and that’s what Loki loved most about her. As a child, he learned to be calculating in order to protect himself from the heartache and rejection he felt every single day. Eva showed him that his life didn’t have to be like that. She was his taste of freedom, and the time he spent with her was time away from the rules and discipline. She was his guiding light in the darkness, the brightest star in his sky. He loved her wild beauty. She set him free,” he explained as we reached the doors to my mother’s chambers, “I think you have something to give her,” he reminded me, gesturing to the door before taking his leave.

I stood outside the door, watching him walk away, a man who placed every ounce of faith in Eva, and I could only hope for his sake that she would make it home safely. Once he had turned the corner and disappeared from my sight, I turned back to the tall door, which opened before I even had the opportunity to knock. My mother stepped to the side, gesturing for me to enter the room. As I stepped around her, I sensed her muscles tighten, “what’s wrong?” she asked, concern washing over her features as she closed the door.

I sighed, “Eva left,” I stated, trying to ease her into the news. I didn’t want to spring it all on her at once, so I wanted to break it up into smaller pieces for her to digest easier.

She nodded her head, “she left for Midgard. I sensed it,” she replied, knowing that her prediction was true. Just as Eva shared an awe inspiring connection with my brother, she shared a similar one with my mother, though it couldn’t possibly be as strong as the one she shared with Loki. My silence allowed her the time to continue, “you’re upset by this. Why?”

“She doesn’t belong there,” I answered, “she belongs in Asgard, fighting the battles we are fighting instead of running off to Midgard every chance she gets!”

“And what battles are we fighting at the moment?” she asked, challenging me, “yes, Ezra came here and brought threats, but we are prepared for his forces. You speak as if Eva visits Midgard every day, but she hasn’t been back there since…” her voice trailed off as tears filled her eyes. It hadn’t been the day she left for Loki, but the time Eva went back the day after we arrived in Midgard with my brother. We all knew that when Eva came home from the battle in New York, she was different, and when she left the following day, we weren’t sure if she would come back at all. She did, but she was never the same. There was always an emptiness in her eyes where there was once happiness. Even after Loki fell, she still maintained some level of joy for the sake of those around her. After that day, though, she had truly lost everything.

I frowned at the thought of what must’ve triggered Eva to go back. She had sworn that no force could demand her presence other than her safety. All I could think of was that she was hurt, which made me want to follow Eva to Midgard even more. I sighed, “I’m just worried. What if something terrible is happening, and I can’t help?” I asked, thinking of all the possibilities and driving myself mad in the process.

Her warm hand rested against the side of my face, cupping my cheek, “sometimes all you can do in situations like this is have faith. Believe in Eva like you always have. You were never blind to her strength when you were younger, so don’t doubt her now. It’s important to feel fear, but you cannot let it dictate the choices you make. Eva learned that long ago, long before she should have. For your own peace of mind, try not to think about her. Feel her presence in your heart, but do not let the thoughts of her safety cloud your mind,” she suggested, knowing that the task she gave me would be difficult.

I nodded my head, trusting her to point me in the right direction. While I would never have my mother’s calm demeanor-a tranquility in even the most dire situations-I possessed a piece of that. I believed it was a mother’s gift, one I could never master fully. Eva was best at it, even in combat. In the silence between us, I remembered my true reason for visiting my mother. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the folded note intended for Loki, knowing that my mother had always gone against the wishes of my father to visit him in the dungeons. She would find a way to get the note to him, especially if it was one from Eva, “she wrote one for Loki and I before she left. This one is his,” I explained, handing it over to her. She nodded her head, knowing what I was asking her to do without saying it, “and...tell him I love him, too.”

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dre--scape · 6 years

Text

First Impressions (Stephen Strange x reader)

THIS TOOK REALLY REALLY LONG AND IM SO SORRY ANON I REALLY DO HOPE YOU LIKE IT

also it was benefizzle cabbagepatch’s birthday yesterday and this is a late dedication to him and anon too.

Disclaimer: Apparently the reader in this has almost the same power as the one that imarvelatthesight wrote but I swear that’s about the only similarity our stories have. However, the reader here can only emit a strong heat without the flame.

Pairing: Stephen Strange x reader

Word count: 1877

Request by anon: Could you do a Doctor Strange x Mutant! Reader where they get introduced to strange by tony at the compound but doesn’t think he likes them since they got off on the wrong foot, it could end with strange apologizing or the reader. Thank you if you can 💞

Summary: ^^^

I also accept requests!

Warnings: very, very, VERY brief implications of sex

Your lungs burned as held your breath as you cut through the water. You couldn’t see it nor feel it, but you were certain that the water around you was boiling.

All of a sudden, Rhodey’s voice rang through the receiver in your ear. “That’s good for today, (Y/N/N).”

You finally let your head break the surface of the water, ceasing all movement and letting your body float to the top. Your gaze fell to the disfigured mannequins that were placed in the water (they were fine when they first placed them in). You managed to control your breathing as you closed your eyes, feeling the water as if it tried to massage your muscles.

The door to the pool opened, but you couldn’t bother to move at all - you were too tired.

“You should control that soon,” A familiar man’s voice rang out. “I wouldn’t have to hire some guy to fix my hot tub.” You rolled your eyes from under your lids and reluctantly rolled onto your stomach, your muscles screaming at you to stop all movement. You opened your eyes and saw Tony standing at the edge of the pool with a strange -but admittedly attractive- stranger.

You swam to the ledge closest to them and pulled yourself out with a groan. You quickly took the place right beside the billionaire as you both faced the other man with a goatee.

Tony watched as you eyed Strange wearily, already knowing your thought process. Quickly wanting to cool you down -both physically and mentally- ,he spoke up.

“(Y/N), this is-”

Stephen’s hand shot out from his jacket’s pocket as he gave you a charming smile. “Doctor Strange.” Your eyebrows raised and he chuckled. “I could also go by Stephen Strange.” You didn’t even need to run laps to get your heart racing. You could just listen to his voice.

But before you were about to reciprocate his handshake, your mind went completely stranger mode and you paused. You held Tony’s hand for a brief moment to test your body temperature, and the hiss and flinch of pain gave you your answer.

You glanced down wearily at the doctor’s outstretched hand, unconsciously tracing the surgical scars that lined them. You then subtly glanced at your hands, giving them a slight grimace before coolly folding your arms to your chest.

It was only etiquette that you return the polite gesture, but you couldn’t risk damaging his hands any more than they were now. Instead, you looked up at him, shooting him a bright and warm, welcoming smile. “I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” You introduced yourself and watched as Stephen hastily shoved his hand back in his pocket. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Tony.” You heard Tony muttering about giving you extra swimming laps and grinned.

“Welcome to the compound, Mr. Strange.”

“Morning-” You began just as you walked into the kitchen but Stephen just brushed past you, not even bothering to mumble a ‘hello’. “Stephen…” You watched as the door behind him closed and huffed, obviously thrown off by the instant grumpiness in the morning.

You instantly made eye contact with Wanda as you walked towards the fridge, looking for something to eat.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” You joked, trying to pick-up the slightly lowered mood. “Did you do something about his hands?” Wanda asked and you turned around, a curious look on your face.

“His hands?” You thought back to the sharp cheekbones and charming smile that had you head-over-heels for the former neurosurgeon. “My dreams did.” You muttered and you felt a blush creeping up your neck, recalling the mature dream.

Wanda’s laugh reverberated throughout the kitchen and you shook your head. “I-It was a d-dream.” You sputtered, eyes wide with panic. “You weren’t even supposed to hear that!”

She waved you off, coming down from her laughing high. “No, no, you’re fine.” Wanda giggled, placing a hand on her heaving chest. “I just heard he was very self-conscious about his hands.” Your lips parted in surprise and you suddenly lost your appetite.

“The scars, right?” You asked, walking away from the fridge and towards Wanda. She nodded and placed her elbows on the counter. “Tony said you grimaced.”

The scene of that day replayed in your head as you groaned. “I wasn’t grimacing at him.” You said, letting out a sigh. “I was grimacing because I couldn’t return his handshake.” You explained and Wanda smiled softly, placing a hand on yours. “You can apologize later when you see him again.” You nodded in agreement and smiled. “I guess I can.”

It had been a week and you still haven’t apologized to Stephen. In your defense, he was avoiding you like a plague instead of being mellow about it. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t exactly get a hold of your powers yet.

“Now I’m not sure if I want to apologize at this point!” You exclaimed whilst pacing around your room.

Tony was on your bed, arms spread wide as he lied down. “I think your bed is more comfortable than mine.” He said suddenly and you turned to him with a sour look. “I’m telling you my problems about a man you brought to the compound and all you can think about is my bed?” You asked, actually astonished by his lack of listening abilities.

“You’re unbelievable.” Scoffing as you walked towards your bed, you plopped yourself beside Tony. “You brought him here,” You pointed out. “Tell me how I can fix this.”

The man got up from his lying position and turned to face you. “I don’t need to because you’re training with him today.” Your eyes widened with the information. “And I’m only knowing this now?” You questioned, having the urge to burn him right then and there.

“I should really start wearing protective gear when I come in here.” Your gaze narrowed and Tony laughed, standing up. “Calm yourself, tiger.” He chuckled, noticing your intense glare. “Otherwise you might burn through those clothes now, and you know how hard it is to get materials that can actually withstand the heat of a supernova.” You rolled your eyes and fell back onto your bed.

“Peter’s growing on you, Stark.” You commented with a laugh and you heard him sigh. “Supernova’s a fancy word.” He copied your laugh mockingly before leaving the room.

“You didn’t even defend yourself, nerd!”

You got in a fighting position which was a simple orthodox stance.

Stephen watched as your eyes narrowed, losing all kinds of playfulness you had just moments earlier. You seemed so focused, it was a shame no one warned you about his abilities.

You were slightly ticked off by the relaxed stance Stephen had. It was like he wasn’t even trying to protect himself with nothing but his magic shields. But you were able to analyze his weak and open points from where you were, so you weren’t all mad.

“Are you guys going to start fighting or have an intense makeout session?” Tony asked through the intercom. As soon as Stephen rolled his eyes, you threw your right fist and hit Stephen square in the chest. He fell back and landed with a thud and a groan of pain.

You looked down at his odd choice of clothing but thanked him mentally as you saw an imprint of your fist.

“That wasn’t too hard was it?” You asked worriedly as he sat upright. “No, it was fine.” You watched as he raised his hands in front of him and started making circles with his right hand.

“What are you-” The sound of crackling caught you off-guard as you looked at your feet, orange sparks in the form of a circle surrounding you. “You-”

The ground beneath your feet disappeared and a scream ripped from your throat.

“I was falling for fifteen minutes, Tony!” Stephen watched as you yelled at Tony instead of him.

“It was hilarious, (Y/N)!” You scoffed, rolling your eyes. “Oh, I could hear your laughter through the intercoms.” Stephen’s lips curved into a grin as he left, the sound of you and Tony bickering echoing throughout the training room.

A small wave of nervousness washed over you as you managed to make eye contact with Stephen. “Strange!”

But as soon as you spoke up, he immediately ducked into a room. “Wait!” You let out a frustrated groan as you ran up to the door and quickly opened it.

“Mr. Strange!” You roared as you bust into his room.

He looked up from his book with an irked expression. “Doctor Strange.” He corrected you before turning back to the item in his hands. “And what are you doing in here? It’s my room.”

You rolled your eyes before slamming the door shut. “I’m here to apologize, if you haven’t noticed.” You replied, crossing your arms sharply. “But you’ve been avoiding me for the past two weeks!”

“Well, I’m sorry that my hands are not to your taste.” He shot back, his tone of voice obviously showing irritation with your presence. “I couldn’t stop them from destroying my hands, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.”

You sneered at his comment and glared at Stephen, who -at the moment- seemed indifferent to the situation. “Okay, yeah!” You finally yelled. “I grimaced when I first met you, but I wasn’t grimacing at you!” The words seemed to spill out of your mouth as you paced around Stephen’s room. “I was grimacing because I could’ve burned your hands! That’s a far worse first impression!”

As you started rambling, Stephen looked up from his book, a small smile gracing his lips. “I didn’t want to harm you! And I certainly didn’t want your hot…” You stumbled upon your words as you thought of all the attributes the doctor had. “Everything avoiding me for the rest of my life!” You felt your face flush as you looked up at the wizard, not even realising what slipped out of your mouth.

“I-” Stephen began but you soon spoke up again. “In two weeks I don’t know who was more of the child! Me, by not saying sorry sooner, or you by avoiding me!” You took a deep breath before letting Stephen speak.

“I know.” He mumbled before you shot him a inquisitive glance. “To what? Me burning you or you being a child?” He let out a ghost of a chuckle as he shook his head. “The latter.” You rolled your eyes and sighed, crossing your arms instead of letting them fall to the side. “I’d hope so.”

A moment of silence rested between you two and Stephen got up from his spot on the bed. “I’m sorry.” He whispered as he walked over to you. You pushed your lower lip out in a pout and huffed. “I’m sorry too.” Stephen laughed and he was certain your temperature went down a bit. “And you think I’m the child?” He asked and you stuck your tongue out immaturely as he pulled you into a hug.

A comfortable lull fell over the room before he spoke up, a smug grin on his face.

“You think I’m hot?”

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epgp12iimk · 4 years

Text

Life and Fragility

by Aparajita

These are extraordinary times. Times we will remember for all our lives. The world has never stood still. We always believed that no matter what, the world will continue – we will wake up every morning, get dressed, go to work, traffic snarls will happen… there was no other way to be. But the uncertainty of this time proves otherwise to us. While the battle against the virus is just an external battle there is an equally consequential battle inside our minds. Most of us are and have been going through a roller coaster of emotions that are scary, alarming and most certainly different. We don’t quite know what to make of it and there has been no historical experience that we can tap into to understand what this is making us feel. However, the decisions we make right now are highly consequential – on one hand we feel a certain anger and frustration. And then on the other hand this is the time to connect, to build bonds with community, family, loved ones and our own selves.

We have this narrative in society about being happy and positive. It seems like the right thing to keep motivating and encouraging people. We often hear things like, “don’t be angry, be positive, be happy.” “Don’t be sad, be brave”. Doing so we create a notion that happiness and joy are the most important emotional experiences one can have. The opposite of which are the negative, bad or weak emotions – frustration, anxiety, grief, loss, fear, sadness. We become comfortable with happiness, uncomfortable with difficult emotions and we push them aside. When that begins to happen we establish and create anchor points to happiness. “if I meet my friends, im happy”, “if im appreciated by my boss, im happy”, “ if I can buy a holiday, im happy”… hence, focusing more on happiness as a goal. This is the paradox of it all though, the more we chase something, the more elusive it becomes – the more we chase happiness as a goal, the less happy we become all the time. Seeking something versus living life in acceptance and compassion. Rather than trying to find happiness, maybe it is time for us to come into ourselves, come into our emotions. Not try to brush away difficult emotions that make us feel uncomfortable – the anger, frustration, loneliness, anxiety.

It is with the same discomfort we treat the single most unquestionable reality we are faced with - death. How comfortable are we with death, talking about it, thinking about losing loved ones. Take for example the discourse between children and parents on death. Most times parents try to brush it aside, not knowing how to explain this to their young ones’s curious minds. Rubbing off their discomfort to their offspring. On the contrary being courageous with difficult emotions and addressing it with the young ones also enables them, to practice acceptance of these – its normal to feel scared, its okay. This is how life functions, we will all die. Perhaps this is also the strongest message for these times – we need to not weigh in on our fear but rather reach inside of ourselves and find our courage. Not to brush aside, belittle or judge ourselves if we are experiencing difficult emotions. These are indeed tough times. Instead use strategies to enable us to be with our emotions in healthy ways. How we love and lead ourselves through these times, will ultimately this will enable us to bring the best of ourselves forward.

When we are faced with difficult emotions, we either judge them or we push them aside. This could take the form of either bottling them up or brooding and getting stuck in them. Emotional agility is the ability to be with ourselves, our full emotional experience in ways that are compassionate because this is tough and these emotions are real. We need to be compassionate with ourselves and with others. We need to be curious- what is my frustration telling me about me ? What is this event triggering in me, and why? What is my guilt telling me when im interacting with my children? What does my anger tell me about what I most value? If we can move past the place where instead of pushing aside these sign posts we can be compassionate with these emotions, when we can start asking ourselves - even in the midst of fear, how can this emotion help me – be aware if it, and also not get stuck in it. What are some courageous steps i can take even in the midst of a reality that I didn’t choose and isn’t of my asking.

How do we practice emotional agility during these times?

These principles of emotional wellness remain the same, regardless of the context changing to what it is now. I suppose the only difference would be that the need for emotional agility is now more than ever so much more profound and clearer now.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space and in that space is our power to choose and its in that choice that lies our growth and freedom.” – Viktor Frankl. We didn’t choose these circumstances. This stimulus has been served to us, and this is the time we need to choose between the response.

While the narrative has been using “social distancing”, its really “physical distancing”. We still need to be able to look for quality and meaningful interactions that are important to us. We can be lonely in a crowd as well, it’s a function of whether our interactions are meaningful, its not about how many people can we surround ourselves with. Emotions are our signposts of things we most deeply care out. Example – if we are feeling lonely, what Is loneliness a signpost of ? Its telling your that you value presence and connectedness and you don’t have enough of that right now. So loneliness tells you here is something you value and you need to bring this into your life, or move in this direction. So you start asking yourself, what are some small changes I can make that are important to me, what are ways in which I can come to my experience. We need to handle these difficulties by being compassionate with ourselves.

Fear. How does fear operate ? When we feel fearful or the situation is ambigious, our mind tries to fill in the blanks of what we don’t know. We might catastrophize things, develop huge anxiety. In the endeavour to find answers, we reach out to our twitter feeds that provokes more anxiety, more fear and more emotional contagion when we subtly pick up the emotions of other people. Hence, being mindlessly stuck in our experiences. Instead, ask ourselves – is this helping me, is there an alternative way I can be engaging ? Are there things ive been meaning to do – creating a garden, reading the books that have been on that list for long, spoken to a long lost friend, do my relationships need tending – are my actions serving me, who I am as a person, the loving being that I want to be.

Consider how often we use this language – I am lonely, I am sad, I am angry. This is the normal default way in which we describe how we are feeling. But effectively we are saying- I am, all of me, 100% of me is that one single emotion, that singular experience. By language and therefore by understanding we begin to define ourselves by our emotion. But we are not our emotion, we own our emotions, they dont define us. So we want to treat our emotions with compassion and curiosity but we also don’t want to get stuck in them.

Simple strategies that can be helpful –

Instead of saying I am sad, label your thoughts, emotions, feeling for what they are .. they are thoughts, feeling , emotions. So instead of saying “I am sad” you might say – im noticing that im feeling sad, im noticing the urge to shut down the conversation with my spouse…. Im noticing the urge to keep going on my social media urge right now. You are labelling your thoughts, emotions and feeling therefore, creating a space between stimulus and response. Seeing them for what they are. So you can say, im noticing that im feeling sad, so what does that tell me about what matters to me.

We think that in order to do something, to make a contribution we have to do big things. But if you think of the need to belong, every single one of us feels that and we can half someone’s pain just by being that person’s person today. That might just be a phone call, if we can reach beyond ourselves it is healing for ourself as well as others. Tiny, small value connected actions. Even being home, physically distant, there is courage in doing that .. we are doing it because we know it’s the right thing but there is courage there in looking inside of ourselves and owning that its not that youre doing this because you have to but because that is profoundly important that you care about others.

We should also be having this conversation with our children, developing our own sense of values and character by showing up to our children’s emotions with compassion. Asking your children what are ways in why you can bring yourself to your friends. These are incredible times for us, we didn’t ask for them but we are developing our resilience and character. Simply by showing up for them, give them holding space to feel what they are feeling, that’s probably the most important way in which children can develop a sense of security in chaos.

Being granular with our emotions. Often we use very big language to describe our emotions, example; im stressed is one of the most commonly used phrase. There is a world of difference between stress and disappointment. Or stress and feeling overwhelmed , or stress and fear. What we do psychologically when we label our emotions in a more granular way is to move away from “im stressed” to “what is this emotion really”. It helps us to understand the cause of the emotion and whats the pathway forward. From a macro “im stressed” to maybe im overwhelmed. You can do something with overwhelm. You can bring in some bits of control. If my stress is loneliness, I can look for opportunities to reach out…. So emotion granularity is really important.

What can I do to find focus ?

Firstly, find what are some of those things you are doing which are sucking the life out of your day- constantly checking the Covid numbers, scrolling through social media, going down the road of epidemiological studies? As far as you can try to establish pockets of control in your life. There is lots that’s out of our control. But we control how we respond, we can control how we connect, we control how we to the best of our ability use our time off. If it means for that day simply making a list of things you want to do, or whether that control is putting your phone on silent for an hour a day, or shutting off something that is all pervasive. Sometimes it could just be shutting out all the noise – maybe you have music playing all the time, maybe some silence would be your form of exerting your control. Find out what are those 2-3 things I can be doing everyday that create some kind of routine and bring back pockets of control back in your life.

And while we have internal battles we are also dealing with, there is real suffering – people who don’t have food, are stuck with a violent perpetrator in the house. Ask yourself, amidst my own challenges, how can we as a society support such people, that’s our capability as a community. There are many of us who would be doing this, connecting and forging bonds within the community. There are also many others and another prevalent narrative of divisiveness. Know that, that too is natural. When human beings are faced with mortality salience, anything that threatens their existence, we tend to become more us and them. These are predictable psychological responses when faced with these situations. It is not a surprise therefore that we hear nations on a blame game and communities against each other. Yet again, we will need to rise beyond these discourses into compassion for ourselves and for the community.

We try to solve the world’s problems through our minds, but its time that we moved from there into our hearts, into our compassion, our wisdom, into our beingness. Moving beyond right and wrong, beyond judgements and really understanding why someone might be doing what they are, that is giving in to the openness of who we can be as human being.

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certainkind · 5 years

Text

i dont know where this went

was from ne yer a while ago (keep reading ok)

hard thinking going on tim for some. Today. Of all days last day of 2011. Its bee a year. Not a strange year, a year too. All the things this year that happenend to me, with max, wu=this year is really a with max year. I’m not sure if we got a lot done, but wi=e did do a lot. A lot happened around us, we saw a lot, we saw. Did I see as much as other yearS? That’s a weird question. It’s a weird question to ask comparing years, what are ou comparing? Do I have more now or les,s,? did my balances move around? Tis floor looks like staring into space with all the nebula and gases and stars and comets. Writing stretched out on the floors, writing done stretched out on the floors. On a futon, on a felt pad, straight on the cool linoleum or wood or tile or rug. Like allways I am waiting, I a, not good with the passing of time. outside kids are lighting rockets. Through amsterdam like a war going on, like ive heard or closest ive heard to war sounds, close and near and all over the city explosions sounds reeling and rolling over and back against the brick and windows. Sound carries. The water in the canals carry sound fast and far in circles in the heart of amsterdam it feels right good to be alone, learning to roll a cigarette with privacy, no mistakes just ok learning alls well. Lots of little fires all here in the centerof jordaan on the side streets. Here in my room and outside in the crossing streets. Kids tossing rockets, fireworks, fire crackers under hand down the streets, or throwing brave handfuls into a orange bucket and running away in all directions. Heels hard hitting stone street, fast legs sure. I’m not going to capture the idea of my generation. Hard truth. Not going to find it, am not rooted anywhere. Maybe going to pick up a thread. I’m just writing about what I’m thinking and incidentaly hearing. I see a lot of inconsequence. I do a lot of inconsequence. I get lost in my stomach parts. I make myself outside fake outside, like a garden wall. Like a tumble of somewhat related ideas, like I imagine I feel something like hunger when noon comes around and correct it rightly like ive heard seen before. Art history means I have a big repository of “like this” and “resembling”. I can’t tell if someone is showering on my floor in my shower, or the floor above, the pipes make it seem so. I am hands clenched looking, grabbing grabbing, bike bell boy crying wailing, hard words in dutch, oncoming car sounds, rockets a few streets over, the water in the pipe. Good to recognize in me, the feeling of waiting, like boredom, like restlessness, like calm unease, with bare dry feet stacked and crossed on floor unsmooth and sandy. With… not “resolve;” but its not resolve, but its… when you realize something and are working towards ok ness. Like I am… I am, like when you look down unseeing and coil back a little, I am, like when you breathe out and look down unseeing at the street or a piece of trash, without noticing, like you are seeing clearly without comment, like you do not respond, like you yield. Like you are in deference, like I am… prostrate, but not that, but not quite like you lost but that you acknowledge, and lose ground, or are resolute, or. Surrender. There is some middle ground between surrender and resolve that im talking about and I mean its like when you come down after a manic, tendon tight bleary rage and you stop lashing with your nails and nose dripping and eyes are no longer tight tight tight closed but you… are sensible. Not rational is not even, but ok, but resolved to the fact. When you resigned to the fact. Like i

relax to the idea. Un curl. Relax in alone now. Like you understand. Like you KNOW. like I can’t control the minute details, or get caught up in them, I have to undo, let go, let GO. Let allowed, let some things pass allowed and ok and approved. Let some things not be mine for me or from me, and not of me and of me. There is some cowardice in this lack. Some thing that I don’t know I have to trust I can learn. I can and should trust myself too, I can do these things, they are well within my ability. I should know that I can accomplish these things and understand their costs. But now I write and I have an above narrative going on saying: Look! A person grapples with their frustration at the lack of accomplishments in their lives on the last day of the year! Look, and imagine myself ten years on, laughing at myself, laughing at what I thought at the time was important and big and good, and I realize that I am very cruel. Very, deep rooted in the bone cruel. That I imagine in the future I will be cruel. And that my eye is so cruel that I will never be able to close it in self-satisfaction and approval, but instead always look beyond and look for more, and better, and more right, and perfect, and improved. And How is it done Otherwise, Elsewhere, and those ways I can see merit in their difference, and I have been taught to always surrender the fort I built under my values and to desert for the other, in order to steal and steal and steal or wriggle belly up like a dog under someones hand. These things are so meager. That I have out on the cloth… here with these I can offer meticulous piecing together, I am good at finding connections between things, but I am good at it like a virus, which seeds things and breaks them apart from the inside, with nothing and no body of my own to tend. When I have such a distate, I can’t tell, my taste otherwise is nothing but submissive. I’m here writing about myself and outside boys are yelling, laughing and silenced in rhythm, hissing fuses and bratty snaps of small fire crackers and the vague dumb, unpreventable wash of terror I get when the big rockets fire and my heart stops and the car alarms whine in response. Like I can’t and don’t have a grasp on the order of things, yes I should go out and I do like it, when I walk and walk and see the water moving under lights, and the city quiet in the evening, and all the familiar feeling of the brick houses stacked and bright yellow windows from within. Walking past the rank exhale of the cheese shop, and the bookstore of artists books all brave and curious and otherworldly, and the clothes which preoccupy me with the wrongness of their shapes, the wrongness of the cut and stitch, and the evocation all wrong, not direct enough, and too self concious, like the world theyre evoking is too empty alone, and I looked there for the fullest world and of course didn’t find it. I was surprised I didn’t find it, in all the visibility it seemed as if it would even appear the fullest world. Preoccupy with how the world should LOOK. These are not even the biggest thoughts, but I don’t give them the attention in order to draw them out with resolve, acknowledging that my thinking process is slow and labourious with extraneous detail and related tangents, and the constant flip of arguments needling each other for bruises. I realize now that when I don’t have a problem to work out I’m no good. that’s a good realization maybe it’s a good realization to tell other people? It feels good to tell other people things, like you are gaining ground. And traction. I imagine a huge wheel, like a tire with deep treads. I wouldn’t say a cog, because a cog is maybe with teeth attached and can fit into with ease, it has a DESIGN, purpose, it WORKS. But a tire gets stuck and sometimes the roads are easy and sometimes puddly and slippery and the tire gets old and is unfit or unused and sits around with the television on and no where to go. I could sit here for weeks, opening and closing the window for air and against cold, getting up for the chair or stretching out across the felt pad on the floor. Until a problem comes up, like cold or lack of air, or a simple stomach problem, the kinds that have preoccupied me for years, for a decade. The simple stomach problem—has so many components I haven’t been able to put it down yet. First- it hurts, and the hurt is fundamentally intolerable, the cells are starving and wanting, and I have to give them time and what they need, and so. That’s the very first problem, but getting that problem solved requires time, and knowledge, and craft—you can also use this problem efficiently, and accomplish many diverse things when you solve this problem. You can solve it so that you also experience pleasure—this pleasure itself has many dimensions. You have the pleasure first and foremost of the cessation of the pain, and then the pleasure of change for your tongue, and this pleasure of change is also the pleasure first of instinct for sweet, at its most basic, but this instinct for sweet itself you can’t find because its wrapped and tangled and embedded deeply in the evocation of memories, and food is intertwined and tainted and fragranced and redolent of every conversation over food, and the people you sat with, and these are only your own memories, because also you can evoke imagination and cultural memory, and you feel like a participant in culture, yours or otherwise, and history rises up dark and formless when you tear and fill your mouth, and chew and swallow. These can be exercises in self affirmation, when you recount the taste of being young, and waking up early before school, and y fitting so well in your head with other suburban feelings, like biking alone or fishing for dozens of starving bass in the fake lake with your dog. You can easily and assuredly conjure up other family feelings, anyone you’ve shared a meal with—taste complicated by unstable evaluative structures—canned things become best when you need to remember something about your grandmas house in salt lake city, when you need to remember running down the “creek” with its fake blue water (“poison”) and resulting pastel, baby, candy blue fountains. The shape of the rocks they cart in to the line the bottom, homeless rocks, and the ducks died blue underneath from the water, and the dry prick of pine needles everywhere. Brushing your hair with pine needles. Tiny black and white televisions. Basements with never working fire places. Mancala, nintendo on tweed couches. Every book you ever read. Pop corn and chewed plastic toys from 70s 80s and 90s. And all the tastes you associate with girls you’ve loved: coffee, and roasted things, and cigarettes. Wading through all these is organizational torture, anxiety of putting things away, like I’ll never remember them if I don’t relive them three times a day, like its something I owe the people and the times. But also of course, these things involve more than reference—there are moral qualities. The shallow, deep rutted moral arguments over caring about the world, and preventing pain in animals, these also have memory aspects, like being 14 and being courageously vegetarian. Like remembering the people that carefully and gently made food choices in front of me, or carelessly, violently chose them in front of me. There is the food that made everyday life in the books I read, and if there was the life I wanted, I could make a similar choice, and imagine myself there, like scones tasting like the things in the hobbit books, or taffy my grandma made to remind me of the pioneers. A hundred thousand layers. And then finally, the over reaching—the health, which is a knowledge that for me is wrapped horribly in memories and morals, health which costs uncertain futures and has ulterior motives—the anxieties of others pressing hard onto me for assurance and approval, my anxieties bubbling out and over or pressing, bursting out to wash over other peoples tables. The health which for me is code word for starving, which for me meant exhaustion that eliminated day and night, and meant wrapping in tired, flannel and hair falling and freezing, and lips pursed, watching horribly out of the window in summer or reading coverless books in winter. Lots of sneaking and secrecy, and violence and strangeness when appetite became focus, and frustration and hard violence. Giving in and giving became very much exactly the same here probably. It required a lot of time but gave results that I enjoyed—visual intrigue, accomplishment, unashamed self obsession, unchecked self obsession, a problem that required total and constant attention and also total and constant ignorance. It entirely eluded anyones description of it, including mine, and this was a knowledge I enjoyed secretly, that no matter what anyone applied to the problem I knew they were wrong excepting me. That I could neatly situated the parameters of this problem within the bounds that others would not acknowledge, and the size and consequence of this problem were entirely mine to decide, and entirely mine to decide were the consequences of this problem, and the cost, and entirely mine to decide were the results. This is very appealing. I could make of what I want the results, as long as I didn’t tell anyone how much I valued them, I could get away without any exhausting confrontations. Of course a problem which requires entire dedication and whose results are so contrary and contradictory is not a sustainable problem, also, I did have a self outside that problem, which could not be reconciled, thank god. That self even if it was only a vanity let me the chance to develop new problems and focus on new problems, as the problem at hand was not the right problem for me, I could understand. And I remember understanding this as I sat in the middle seat of the car, driving back from the mountains with my parents and family, with my ankles stretched out in front of me, my ankles I think, in black stockings, as only thin thin rods of tired bone that I truly felt sorry for. I felt some compassion for them, and I apologized to them. I promised them I would let them become healthier, which is something they take care of themselves if you let them. But I never gave up the problem, really, because it was the only problem I’d ever put my heart and soul into, the only problem strong enough that I believed in enough to let other things go and to “sacrifice” I guess things for. I see now this problem has itself obvious problems. But now my stomach calls and I must listen to it, in order to put it away and get back to this, right now this is an important problem. The problem with this problem is that it has no consequences. I won’t say “in reality,” but I will say, pragmatically. It cannot be an ultimate problem, anymore. I am too big for it to be a driving, ultimate problem. There are more valuable things than it. It must become a lesser problem, a step in a bigger problem, and just a small step in a much bigger problem. In order for it to become an ultimate problem, I would have to deepen it and sophisticate it until it itself became justifiable. This is not worth it to me, what it would cost. There are other things that exist that are more interesting to me, other people, other creations. The result, creation, consequence of this problem is not enough for me. What is enough for me? Things that are approved by others automatically feel like they are worth more—the mystery of -the brooding stoners of amsterdam, max says- bacxk after distrtractions

you know, nicole, its not in any of those things. You know its not in just sitting and the window, though sometimes it feels like it. Its not in lighting the cigarettes or putting them out, or in lighting the rockets, putting them out. Its not in going to the grocery store and buying things, or buying books, even if it feel slike it it is sometimes. Its not in lighting the stove and putting it out. Or in lighting your stomach and putting it out. Somes it feels like its in diane cluck, though its not in lighting diane cluck and putting it out, or bob dylan, lighting blonde on blonde and putting it out. Or lighting your body and putting it out, lighting the screen and putting it out, open your mouth and lighting the words and then closing it and putting them out lighting your fingers and then resting them and lighting a fist and then unrolling it out flat again. All these things out into the air and back into inside the room again. On and upwards and then back, down and out. fire fire fire fire fire now in the room and then out again for sleeping and the room getting colder until morning, like a fire comes roaring in at half-light here I am, again here I am oh my delight came out like a hawk, balled up in the morning so in the light what colors, I don’t how I should call them say someone said to die daily, die daily implies being born daily

all in my head a pheonix and doves fly out in the morning out in the day now what bird dogs suss me out in the fields, yo up from the grounds how I hear them snapping up at my heels, yo hot on my head, what light makes the heat makes the fire makes the ashes oh, I thought I was dead a pheonix and doves fly out in the morning say someone said to die daily die daily implies being born daily up in my head a pheonix and doves fly a pheonix and doves fly out a pheonix and doves fly out a pheonix and doves fly out when I learn from you, I am copying and learning by copying when I learn from you I am learning through mimicry and the rockets and love outside makes my heart jump and burrow blind, terrified in the nonlight this afternoons room with the quick flashes really a war on me and this room think about your wild deer tumbling out from the woods to drink the water you count twenty seven or so, I know how it goes. Drinking the bay from beneath your boat. Now that you’ve calmed down, your heart beats so steady I could set my watch by it. If only I could always stay like this with the bath water over my head bubbles going upwards marking where upwards is. That the water never poured in where it shouldn’t or over the rim, and never getting colder and unfriendly but always this felt pad beneath me on the floor and the rockets would stay always on the other side of the window. but I know it took you a while to learn the guitar, and it hurt your fingers probably, and I know you thought about the problems of food, because you have big bowls of blue plums in your pictures and your skin is tight and nervous. I know you so well in these parts there now me too and I recall them, I light them and put them out like they were mine alone. I am not afraid of being by myself, only what I do when I am by myself is scary to me. Whether I am alone by myself I don’t know if I am, because it is hard to curl back up, brush the sand out and curl right up. What else is there to do but set your sight on something and pull your tangles through. I would have gone crooked but for you , I hope I can say I would have gone crooked but. Hey you feel steady and you feel good, light and empty of last nights food. When you are ready to go up from the edge of the turn around road. Mandalas or pendulas or pentacles at the end of the road where you sit in the morning. The weeks have been hazy but some thing is changing. Well, it makes sense to me. Because things are easier to recall when you give them support with sound, when you round them out, and rhymes too-I love them. They foreshadow with all earnestness and promise and fullness, and the future becomes contained so profoundly in tricky syllables thank god for all of you, and all of your words I can remember because they run long and loud in my head while I walk or cook or piss or shower or cry or sleep. And thank god they are so generous and flexible and fit here in amsterdam, with the rockets going off all outside in the street and the keys of the neighbors just as loud passing my door without pause in the stairway. Do you like me, or not? Do you like me… or not? Hey, do you like me or not? we leave with the first ones who befriend us and holy holy holy shit, when you lift them high and clear with your good voice I just

sob out all breaths This really isn’t about telling a story right now just letting myself know. This is hey, holy hey last day of a year of my life, turning tonight. Turning on its heels and running in another direction, hopefully hitting stride and covering distance at an easy lope. My legs aren’t long enough for an easy lope this is a falseness I just hate like, I can imagine, those, first muddy steps ugly fuck with my stern and stupid cruelty why, not an

easy hand with lifting and eyes forwardand lips closed or running over and over your thank god lines over, over over in rhythm focus on the problem you grew yourself or was grown for you and give myself whole heartedly with yes yes I am yes yes yes I do yes you get no more chances you get every chance, , drop all and hit running, and fly away at a sprint and push and push, just gowill love it, you will love it, you love it, its trueand hey you are good at hiding if for a while you are nervous about reactions, you can untie your necklace chains pretty well with care and dexterity and let it go, just let it fucking go, let it roll out in the daylight and into the evening his her she, a them, whole family watching it disbelief, and with half an eye on theirselves and only a bit on you,just go on it, if you must don’t worry about color just edit it’s thethat makes it good and full can do the necessary preperations, in order to go on it, care less what others are doing, except those you care truly for, and if so give to them fully and totally, and yourself too, and those things you love more, them in totality, you can live inward so, its your way always since childhood, just, mostly and bestly when you let it be and work well in your own perimeters, unusual if you make a hundred things before you look up that’s ok to, you look up to see the place of your things around you and for fucks sake, write, and do it fully and honestly,words and yours and anyone elses, that you can do truly all these just this once you need them, for a go, trust, your own fucking words you distrusting do you see how free the body moves, the bones inside the skin are loose. Its for you to live submerged often, and are so, lucky, give yourself wholeheartedly, to everything that wants you and everything you are. for late night, early morning when only your things are before you lucky lucky, you he gets that first sense, which runs along your skin, you get alone and together and strong, you lucky, which leads you lips first, eyes first, fingers first into long hours late at night, when no one can know better, you can only know, there is no know better, there is just knowing, and letting it wash so gently over you and you get that sharp yield, full yield, you so lucky to have been baptized, get the whole life metaphor, which trapped in your wet eight year old skin you carry always water with you and when you walk over it it leaves you ringing and the rain can send you ringing with the bells through it german nights or the canals smoky to the bottom send you ringing lucky lucky be alone and only with one other, very lucky, and it hurts to turn things off and put them out but everything can’t be burning low, but better one thing a pyre burning high high high throw things on it, throw other thngs on it, throw everything on it and throw your self on it eyes smoke bleary and screaming love wholeheartedly, and love your own wholeheartedly, and knew this when you found out this word yourself, and with yourself salvage savage what you can and build and head out and run headlong out at a fucking sprint, those things you love love truly, love with curoisity, affirm all she gets is a row of fires, burn a path through the brush and not just a wide erratic sweep you me

this now so what then now you love words and lines, and when people put them together well, talk with intention, treat yourself and your very fewwith care ultimately and so do it be gentle with awkwardness like now New years resolutions be generous be forgiving be kind be judicious be empty more often be full more often and really respect your gently, such limited fling all out without rule but rule come too for to come so now, draw you that speculation above all, and things which resonate to others you love, so really you love two things the lines and the words that resonate with others, so, these backdrops that come in and are here with us that we use to make new things. The leisure things that are accomplished with ideas you were jealous when others made, but you were jealous of them letting themselves make. And you very much see and love the need for holding up, above others the things that work and feel good, and don’t hurt, but push forward or push out in all directions. You can be revolutionary with careful care too and attentionyou will know when some things were right and some things weren’t and the things you care about need to be fought and fought and fought for, namely, those things that maybe are not now but have existed and fought for before, and find where people are fighting for those similar things and love them whole heartedly amen amen amen throw the windows wide and call amen amen amen

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survivingjapan · 7 years

Text

EPISODE 12 “Cries in Japanese” - Steffen

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh THE ANGELS HAVE SPOKEN, I AM THE CHOSEN ONE THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENEDDDDDD SHOOKETH. AND NOW IM AT MERGE WITH A LOT MORE LIFE LEFT IN ME GAWD. GAWD IS GOOD. PURRAISE GAWD FUR VITTORY

https://youtu.be/2e2WBCDcOSs

http://youtu.be/fi-5lcsiBHc godt

Okay now that I've got my composure back, here's a recap of what happened: 1) I made a chat with Steffen and Drew, made a very logical and reasonable plea, and awaited their reply for several hours 2) I flat-out told Dom and Ashton I would be voting for one of them for the sake of clarity. Ended up deciding on Ashton since he tried to lie to me again like I'm some idiot? 3) Steffen and Drew were honest with me - flat-out said they were sending me home 4) I get frustrated and rageful. I decide that just because they say I'm out doesn't mean I'm out, so I go to Ashton and spill tea on how they don't trust him 5) He runs back to Drew and tells him what I say 6) I explode in main chat because I have nothing to lose and make it a point to know that the 4 of them are tight 7) 45 minutes before tribal, Pippa messages me, saying how she likes my genuine nature, doesn't think I deserve to leave, and would be willing to hand me her and Andrew's idol. 8) I freak out and then find myself in a f3 alliance with the both of them - the deal is that I play the idol on myself and vote for Drew. (Which is what I did) 9) Before our idol exchange is complete, Sarah starts rage-calling me (on Snap and on Skype) to say that I wasn't going anywhere. 10) Confused, I let her continue as we go on call. She tells me of her special idol that resets the challenge. She promises to throw so that I can merge. and I was over here contemplating how I would face Matt and Bodhi after getting pre-merged. wowza! dont count miss crow out! VL Confessional: caw caw aint dead yet bitch!

Now that merge has come around, I've been offered wayyy too many alliances. First off, we have the general, villains alliance of the last 5 of us. Then we have the inner core of that between myself, Tommy, and Sarah. Then we have the true inner core of that between myself, Sarah, and Brian. Then we have the iconic power duo of myself and Sarah within that. THEN I'm now working with Andrew and Pippa in a final 3 alliance. AND ON TOP OF THAT Johnny is trying to orchestrate an alliance between myself, Brian, him, and Steffen AND THE CHERRY ON THE FUCKING CAKE Is that Drew is still trying to salvage w/e the fuck we have at this point... but I told him no. so. there's that. ANYWAYS. CROW HAS LIFE AGAIN IN THIS GAME!

SO WOW! Honestly, the past 12 hours has been overwhelmingly shocking, and I've purposely taken a step back for multiple reasons. One was because I didn't want to dig too deep into people about what happened with Ashton's blindside, particularly with Crow and Steffen, and also I didn't want to be too eager. Last time I played I was way too eager at merge, and it caught me on the second vote, so I'm not trying to go down that early again this time. Let's recap though: 1. Crow got an idol given to him by a hero, and no one knows which one yet, and that person made a deal with him that Crow couldn't tell anyone, and it means he won't even tell me. 2. Crow doesn't trust Steffen anymore because Steffen voted for Crow originally, and then used his power, which made Crow think that Steffen didn't trust him, and that Crow would use his vote against Steffen, which made Crow wary. 3. Steffen had a second "idol" he didn't tell me about............ INTERESTING! I mean listen. I wouldn't have told Steffen if I found an idol either, but still, I partially thought we had an understanding, but I also totally wouldn't expect him to just give it to me, that's his, and he can do what he wants with it. If anything, I can guilt trip him about our idol. 4. Drew knew about Steffen's vote steal idol, which means that those two revealed themselves as a tight duo as well, and I know that I have that tight duo relationship with Drew, and also with Steffen, and in fact I share an idol with both of them, so I'm curious as to what they may or may not have told each other... All I will find out soon I'm sure. 5. Tommy told me that there was an alliance with Isaac, Kendall, Alex, Drew, Pippa, Andrew, but little does he know that I was in that alliance too, and I think it's getting out because Alex told Tommy after the aftermath of the Isaac vote, which is very interesting, and also turns out that Tommy was told I was the one that threw out his name, so Tommy may be wary of me at this point, and I need to look out for that. I told Trace and Dom that I was in that alliance, so this way they knew about it before they could be told I was a part of it as well, and they find me sketchy, and Steffen already knows. Last but not least, rip Ashton. What a great lad, and would've been an incredible sheep in my grand scheme, but now I need to look for alternative options. My plan for the day is to talk around, not talk about any proposals of plans or anything, except with Steffen, and then get Steffen back on Crow's good side. Brian and I did our part, and now Crow and Steffen need to go through therapy in order for the four of us to be able to be double agents for each other during this beginning phase of merge. I'm curious how this day is going to go on, but it shall be interesting to see how everything plays out. This is where the game takes a step forward, and everything resets, and I'm ready to play an under the radar snaky game. I think a lot of people trust me, and I'm going to have to do a lot of damage control along the way, but at this point, I'm playing with no fear, and I'm going full force into this merge in a very strategic manner, so bring it on!

Coming into merge, you need to count on your relationships, and I know mine are overly shaky, but I still think I can bounce back from some of them. These are the people I trust in order: 1. Steffen - My ride or die, he knows I won't turn on him, we share an idol together and I've told him almost everything about my game, but still huge threat. 2. Trace - Too standup of a guy, and I know he trusts me or Dom the most, but legitimately wants him, Dom and I in the finals, so I'm gonna keep with that. 3. Crow - I really don't see any benefit in Crow's game where he turns on me, and it's great to know that because we're that good of friends. 4. Dom - We don't talk as much one on one, but we still are pretty damn solid, and he doesn't seem like the kinda guy to make a move against me this early. 5. Andrew - I really really really want to work with Andrew probably more than anyone above, but at the same time, I've gotta just keep on my toes because he wants this bad and seems like he would do anything to get it. 6.Drew - I just don't think Drew is going to last deep, but we share an idol, and it seems our relationship was by force, but he was the one who asked for a deal, so i'll hold to it for now? 7. Tommy - Tommy is a fucking sociopath, but loves me for some reason. We'll see with that boy, but I see people coming for him hard soon, and I'm not going to be too bothered if he goes. 8. Brian - I built this relationship with Brian right when we swapped tribes, and I know he isn't too active, but I want to have his back for Steffen's sake, and hopefully it will transfer to my sake as well. 9. Junior - I have been bro'ing down with him a lot, and I think there's a very good shot that we can maintain a decent relationship for the time being, but I'm not looking to solidify deals or anything. 10. Pippa - I think she's still mad at me from the Isaac vote, and I just can't believe that she wants to work with me. I think Andrew will work on her for me. 11. Kendall - Kendall and I share a bit of interest in this game, and I think she has bigger fish to fry, but she's horribly inactive and doesn't deserve to be here anymore, and in order to knock down Sarah, I've gotta go for Kendall first. 12. Sarah - Easily the biggest threat to my personal game left right now. She knows that I threw her name around the only tribal we went to, and now I have a big Bull's Eye on my back, so I've just gotta lay low, remain cordial and hope she tries to use me for moves opposed to going for me. Only time will tell. I do know that Sarah/Brian/Crow/Junior are VERY close, I'm not too sure about Tommy, but he seems like he's not too hellbent on the Heroes vs Villains thing. I'm trying to lay low so hard, and I'm hoping to use my relationships to the best of my abilities for as long as I can, but I know I'm going to be under fire sooner rather than later. I really want to come off as unthreatening for the time being and hope that people don't see a purpose of coming for me, but at the same time, I want to utilize these idols that I have in my back pocket and show that I can add something to my resume, but only time will tell how things will go. I want to purposely not invest as much time in talking to people for the sole reason of sticking around longer, even if it's at the expense of my allies.

so like...time to put the charm on trace his insecurities are getting idoled out and basically being a goat so hopefully i can convince him that hes being johnnys goat and that he can flip ... not that i want him to flip right away but hes now my work in progess WISH ME LUCK? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK IMMA NEED IT

I've been lackluster on these, oops. Hopefully I survive this round in order to ensure that I can be super extra in the following rounds and make more confessionals. Anyway, game stuff ! Crow and Steffen? Not on great terms right now! Hopefully that gets fixed because an alliance between the three of us plus Johnny is supposed to be a thing that's supposed to run this game. So yea ! Crow and Sarah? My parents! Favorite alliance I have with my 2 "day 1s." I'll try and stick loyal to this, however I think that going to the end with either of this people is death. I think I'm currently in a shitty position to win. Like I'll need to become super duper likable quick because I'm currently sitting around big threat after big threat. Sarah's being targeted. Andrew's being targeted. Drew's being targeted. Johnny's being targeted. Steffen's being targeted. And of COURSE, almost all of these people are people I'd love to go far with. But realistically, if I had to pick a final 3 right here, right now. I'd love to go to the end with Pippa and Kendall. I feel like they're both likable, but I feel like they're games are kinda lackluster up to this point. Who am I to speak though when mine isn't too hot either? Anyway, that's just me rn. I'll be back later after immunity!

Okay so fuck. We merged. And first I'd like to say. Ahem. YES. TWAS I WHO STARTED THE FIRE UPON DREW'S HOUSE!! So fuckin basically I had been thinking about giving Crow the hero idol after his rant in the one world bc like I don't trust Drew and getting him out before merge would have been amazing. So I'm screaming about it in my host chat and then Pippa messages me hey I have a really awful idea and I'm like oh fuck we might have the same idea can we call and I'm like okay we'll say our ideas in the 3 2 1 and the it happens and we're both like "GIVE CROW THE HERO IDOL AND GET HIM TO KILL DREW" dfghjkl and I'm like AAAAA and she's like AAAAA and we're both like AAAAA ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! ! Anyway Pippa gets good with Crow and I'm like fuck okay Crow seems like he's someone who plays based on loyalty but we could be TOTALLY fucking wrong BUT he does end up playing the idol and voting Drew. Perfect plan, right? Well know because Steffen exists. And I should have seen this shit coming because I knew from way back when from Isaac's rat ass that Steffen found that vote steal day 2. And of COURSE Steffen doesn't take the opportunity to vote Drew anyway because Steffen rarely makes big moves (looks back at the ballsy comment). So Ashton goes and I feel like shit but at the same time it sounded like Ashton was up Drew's ass so I'd rather him then Dom especially bc I think we wanna target Dom this round if he isn't immune? Also I now have Ashton's idol all to myself :~) Still woulda been nice tho if Drew went bc basically what this was was Drew asking too many questions about Alex leaving with the brawn idol so I basically called a meeting with Drew by some train tracks and was gonna push him in front of the next oncoming train house of cards style but... can't have everything! Honestly this was just Pippa and I being like - rather be iconic and lose than be boring and win. And like fuck it we tried making a power play okay? Idc I can say I tried. And now it's fuckin hilarious bc everyone's on a wild goose chase to find who gave Crow the hero idol bc it was actually revealed on an official pic that that was the hero idol lmao. Whoops! Also I'm pretty sure Crow told Sarah bc I got some interesting info from Junior last night that at like 8:30 Sarah had to get off call with Junior because Crow needed to call her and I'm like hmmmmmm but idk if he leaked who gave it to him. I know they're close tho. So now it comes down to who to take out. Basically Junior and I had a talk and there are kinda floater minions who can get far - specifically Kendall and Brian for Sarah and Dom for Drew. He initially wanted to go for Kendall or Brian but I suggested maybe link up with Sarah's crew first to take out Dom before Drew gets into too big of a power position. That way, I can be pushing my own agenda of continuing to work with Crow bc Pippa and I have a final 3 deal with him at this point. Which idk how strongly we're all gonna stick to it but I'd like to stick to it as long as I realistically can unless I'm voted out first? Yeah idk. We'll see. But this could also garner trust with Sarah. The other fun thing is if Dom (a hero) goes first then Junior's paranoid ass said he'd be fine taking out Brian (a villain) next, just because Junior still has a worry that the heroes will gang up on the villains and I'm like lmao at this point I don't trust most of the heroes left but okay Junior! Yeah honestly I'm gonna try working with Brian but we kinda have a messy history both in and out of the game, and I usually don't with people but I can at least try with him even thought I want him out soon? He probably wants me gone soon too so like oh well. Only person I haven't talked to all game tho. Also there's Johnny and Trace which side note - Johnny, Sarah, and Drew have kinda been labeled the leaders I think at this point? Idk if Junior, Pippa, and I are also seen as a faction but I guess we'll find out soon. So I'm looking out for Johnny too bc I'm kinda suspicious of him, and I think Trace is definitely with him. Anyway I think we'll get a clearer picture of wtf is happening after immunity results, but I just wanna make sure I'm good with Crow, keep Sarah from being paranoid, get a good target on Dom, and test the waters with Brian. Whew. I have my work cut out for me and if I flop 13th place here I come!

Operation STAY UNDER THE RADAR is in full swing. Here's my philosophy on this. I think that I'm fairly safe this round, and my name will probably not go around, just due to the Villains who I have relationships with, and I just don't see it happening. I don't care if I'm on the wrong side of the vote this round because the second round of merge always proves to be the most hectic. Everyone wants the first round to be easy, which means that it's typically side vs side, but the second round is when everyone jumps around and starts acting crazy, and that's where I'll SLOWLY slide from the cracks. I don't care who goes, I hope idols and shit are played and, as long as it isn't me, I know I'm strategically capable to work any angle I need to next round, but why be pushy now? It's still final 13 and I'm not looking to become a target for at least 3-4 more rounds, until I have to finally start hustling at this game. It's all in the plan... It's all in the plan.

Honestly, this round they're going for Junior or Kendall, and I, for the first time, have no fucking idea where those names came from, but once I know exactly who is doing what, I'm just going to make my rounds and make sure that people trust that I'm doing what they want me to do, so they think I'm more valuable. I'm at a point in the game where I am laying lower than I ever have before, and I think that this is going to be a really good round for me. I'm waiting to see which person my alliance of five is going to target, and then that's probably how I'll vote, and no one will think differently of me for it. Personally, i'd like it if Junior stayed and Kendall went home, but Junior going home wouldn't be horrible either because he's a villain, and I can't get a great read on him, but I'm also contemplating trying to scoop him up as an ally, so we'll see what ends up happening. This round should be pretty simple for me. I just have to play it cool, and then hope to advance my position as time goes on.

I FEEL BETRAYED *blood drips from my heart* APPARENTLY there was an alliance made with Kendall, Sarah, Brian, Tommy, Steffen and Drew in it, and they're all trying to get Junior out tonight and I'm fucking choking. How DARE they try to do something without me? They must go bye bye now. I am absolutely using this to get the rest of the numbers onto voting for Kendall and hoping that it works. Again, I'm not going to go to town with this, but hopefully Kendall can go home tonight, and then Drew and Steffen have no choice but to come back to us, and then later on, I can even blame Tommy to Sarah and just say that I was going on self preservation and that I need to do stuff to work on this.

http://youtu.be/DqrxfTd1F6c

ROCKS

#returnrevengeredemption #confessionals

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s-lamberthadduck · 7 years

Text

Bear.Believe.Hope.Endure: II

“Dear Spencer and Marlene, I just want you to know that I will be praying for you. You can stay tough, Spencer, you keep fighting. I know Jesus will see you through. He gives us perfect peace as we trust Him with all of our heart...I am fighting some of the same battles with leukemia, too. So if you ever need a friend to write to, I will be here for you; especially to pray for you.”

-Your friend in Jesus,

Jenny

I was almost exactly halfway through a 6 mile run, the rain pouring down and my eyes straining to see ahead, when my body started to give up and tell me it had been through enough. Breath became suddenly thick and hard to draw. My joints would strain and erupt in pain with every pounding step. I found myself lost in the overwhelming defeat of realizing that I would be adding 20 miles to this distance come June. I knew that I could finish but I would be settling for the bare minimum and starting down a path of compromise that felt all too familiar and, frankly, frightened me. Then, in a beautiful moment of miraculous clarity, I conjured one word that carried with it the power to dispel any doubt I had in myself and in this whole process: endure. Love endures all things. I remembered the love that brought me to that exact moment of my life. Then, instead of focusing on the future, I called upon the past to remind me why I was running down this path in the cold and rain. I am loved. I love myself and I love the beautiful individuals in my life who need me to not give up when the going gets tough. Beyond the will to keep moving forward, endurance means so much more. Enduring requires a mindful acceptance of the inevitable trials and struggles to come because there is hope in the outcome of being refined. Endurance is not merely a process of hardening my senses and clenching my fists, letting nothing in or out. That will get me to the end but I won’t be changed, just battered and depleted. I think true endurance, driven by love, is opening my hands, exposing my heart, and feeling every single nerve in pain and using the struggle to motivate each step toward growth. It’s being in the moment and staying there when the lies are falling down like rain. It’s holding fast to the truth: I can do this, I will do this, I have to. I’ve spent too many years focusing on the future, worshiping ideals, then forsaking hope when things get hard. I’ve always viewed struggles as a sign of being on the wrong path instead of an assurance that the pathway to peace is laden with opportunities to practice it. Back to reality, I pushed myself to go faster on that day when I was tempted to slow my pace and shut down. 5 minutes later I broke through the wall and finished with a faster time than the week before. All that pain and doubt and fear was necessary to motivate me to achieve a higher level of discipline and physical ability.

And now here I am looking at box full of cards full of prayers full of love full of hope. How can I get through them all? Just one has brought me to my knees in an overwhelming emotion of indescribable intensity. All at once, I was indwelled with so many years of love and support I had never even contemplated before. And then I felt what I had always feared: crippling guilt. I knew this is why I had never opened the door. Just one person, just one card, was so full of selfless encouragement and I never knew. All this time, there was so much power resting in these words unread. I feel it now and I am thankful but it’s so hard not to hate myself for never looking back, for never looking out beyond myself at all the people reaching out. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have spent so many years wondering if my life meant something. It obviously did to so many people and I’m willing to see that it probably does still now. I can also see that freaking out about getting to the end of this journey, just as I did about reaching the end of that 6 mile run, will only cheapen the value in this process of working through pain. I thought I was going to be able to cover months and months of treatment in this chapter and all of my feelings about it. Instead, I’ve really only processed about 4 days. So buckle up.

Hitting the ground-that’s all I remember. There’s nothing quite as memorable as getting the wind knocked out of you by the solid, immoveable ground after losing grip on the monkey bars. Well, that and the pain the next day. I also remember walking down the hallway in my underwear, my feet on the cold wood floor, out into the dining room where I found my father pouring over something at the table. It was either the Bible or the morning paper, as he has always read both in the morning for as long as I can remember. I complained to him about the pain and I’ll never forget the way he looked at me. He seemed burdened. I was 4, it was early, but I can still feel the presence of a great weight in the air and I’m sure there’s a reason it’s the last thing I remember for months after that.

November 12, 1992. There were a number of reasons my parents took me to the doctor that day, the primary one being chronic stomach pain. In and of itself, this isn’t usually alarming enough to run lab work on a patient’s blood but when combined with whatever else my parents told the doctor that day, it seemed prudent to look for certain underlying issues. This is the first of many instances of curious happenstance: This particular doctor, on this particular day, decided to look past the obvious and read between the lines. Not all doctors do this on all days. That evening, my parents received what they refer to as “the call”. As I look back upon the few details of this day that I know, I can only imagine taking my daughter, who is now the same age as I was during this time, to the doctor because something “just wasn’t right”. As a parent, I’ve had that fear many times. I’ve been overcome by the potential malignant collusion of symptoms into something much more insidious than exhaustion and growing pains. As a cancer survivor there’s a spark of fear in every physical ailment those you love experience, especially your children. And I think I’ve spent a great deal of my life in crippling fear of common ailments because cancer ruined the bliss of ignorance. I know it always could be right there. It most likely isn’t, but cancer also ruins the innocence of chance.

November 13, 1992. The second curious happenstance of note is that my parents were able to find AND get an appointment with a pediatric oncologist in Portland within 24 hours of contact. I’ve gathered that was quite unheard of at the time. From what I understand this doctor, my doctor, took a special interest in me from the beginning and respected the urgency of my situation from day one. Doctors caring seems to be a common occurrence in this unfolding story and that significance is not lost on me. The purpose of seeing her was to confirm the suspicions of our family doctor based on the lab work he had run. The previous day my bloodwork indicated the presence of roughly 3500 blasts, or “bad” white blood cells. I’m still fuzzy on what’s normal but that level was well above alarming. One thing I recently realized is that the “Acute” part of Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma doesn’t just mean “bad”. I’ve always thought of “Acute” as intense or pervasive. “Acute” in my case meant rapid and aggressive. The day of this particular visit with the oncologist, my blast count had doubled to 7000. Apparently, this was on a friday and my doctor said to come in first thing monday to start treatment of Leukemia. The third curious happenstance was that my parents wouldn’t settle for that. They had all the reasons in the world to hesitate. My doctor had recommended what she saw as the most immediate and vital approach to the situation. Within 24 hours their worlds had been turned upside down and most people would take a moment, maybe even one day, to wrap their heads around the reality of sudden chronic illness. But, something in them won over all that chaos. Something prevailed over fear that day. My mother insisted that I be admitted as soon as possible, and I can only imagine the fervor which she made such a demand.

November 14,1992. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my parents to have their 4 year old child admitted to the hospital for treatment of Leukemia only 48 hours after discovering its presence in my blood. I remember nothing of this time. I received a blood transfusion. They started doing X-Rays and EKGs of my chest. Im sure it was a whirlwind of confusing chaos and if it was anything like the trauma I’ve experienced in my own adult life, I’d be willing to bet the dominant sensation was numbness. My blast count had again doubled to 14000. I was rapidly entering the “Induction” phase of treatment and I was being prepped to receive chemo the next day. I was about to be thrust into a struggle I had no choice in entering and had no idea what it held in store.

November 15, 1992. This is the day I started Chemotherapy. For the longest time, an embarrassing amount of time actually, I thought Chemotherapy was itself a drug. I thought Chemo was its own thing, just one thing, that killed all the bad things. 21 years later, I now know that Chemotherapy is an approach of using multiple drugs in combination to eradicate every single cancerous blast cell so that it can no further propagate and spread. This is why they resorted to injecting it into my spine and transplanting bone marrow. I’ve also learned that Chemo, to this day, is a really blunt tool and is by no means precise. It’s shocking, actually, to learn that every day is a judgement call as to whether the drugs are doing more harm than good. I came across this amazing article from 1995 by Linda Ellerbee who had gone through breast cancer. Its title? “When all the choices are unpleasant” In it she writes “It’s just so frustrating. Part of me is very angry we know so little about cancer that we must give people such large doses of what is basically poison in order to try to stop this disease. On one level (call it the logic level), it seems to make no sense. However, reality is this: Had I known about the possible heart damage from chemotherapy, I would still have chosen the chemo, and, knowing about the possible harmful effects of tamoxifen, I shall still take tamoxifen. At this time, the chemo and tamoxifen are the best chances I have for continuing to live. These are the choices people with cancer must make. Hard choices, Sometimes we choose wrong. In the end, we all agree: Treating a disease (cancer) by cutting you (surgery), poisoning you (chemotherapy) or burning you (radiation) seems, at best, horribly barbaric. Only good thing is, sometimes it works.” Sometimes it works. By now, you might be wondering why I was keeping track of my blast counts throughout the 4 days of diagnosis and the beginning of treatment. On the day I started Chemo, my counts were at 20000. I’m told children die at 40000. Had my parents waited until Monday to start treatment, it almost certainly would have been too late.

All my life, I’ve been drawn to ask “why?”. I feel like I’ve been given the drive to look for meaning when others don’t for a reason. That’s part of what I’m discovering during this process. To me, the substance that comes to the surface when I dig into the darkness of my past is the unrefined “why?”. Why did my doctor decide to run a blood test instead of blow it off or delay the pursuit of answers as I’ve heard countless stories of doctors doing? Why were my parents able to find a doctor so quick that cared so much? Why decide to insist on expediting treatment? Why was I spared from the brink of death just one day before my blood was irreversibly overcome with cancerous cells? Why did Jenny, my friend in Jesus, “lose” her battle with Leukemia and I “won”?

I don’t have the answers and I’m not ready to find them yet. I do know that that I’ve already been changed in the process of asking and seeking. I do know that I will persist in running into darkness, through the rain, in pursuit of truth. Thank you for sticking with me in all of this. I know it’s messy, but the truth often is, or at least the process of finding it.

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