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lotusmi · 1 year

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healing your journey in 23 steps

⭒ Edward Art series in a nutshell! 💌 As you probably know, I summarized all 23 posts from Edward Art series! You can read all those posts fully here. This post is the collection of my fav quotes from every single part! » Edward teaches the law based in Neville books and lectures. His posts made my journey lighter and more simple, so I hope you can feel lighter reading it too! I really recommend you to read it :) If those quotes don't align with your personal beliefs, just ignore it ♡

💬 may u have a lovely read... ♡

1: No one or nothing to change but Self

Remove having to get things. Remove stress. Simply imagine what you want with the feeling of actual freedom to do so.

fulfill it mentally (your desire). Remove rules. Remove consequences. Remove the outer-world when you imagine. Remove all ideas of what you "should do" or "have to do." Do what you want (within).

do not care about how it will happen or when, or even if it is possible.

★ Do not stress yourself trying to change the mirror, but focus on changing self. Go within and fulfill your desires in imagination.

2: Let go of control, and control Self

There is no objective reality.

"Never blame, only resolve." - Neville

let go to the HOW. let go of controlling your outer-world and control yourself. The world is reflecting self. And "Self" is everything you think you HAVE and ARE.

do anything you wish in your mind. You are so powerful in your mind that NOBODY can imprison you. It is entirely up to you, to be what you desire to be in your mind.

3: He who will not live by love must be subdued by fear

You can remove ALL your fears if you do what you want in your mind.

the goal is to NOT change each and every fearful thought. It is not to argue and contemplate on the fear.

NEVER BLAME YOURSELF FOR FEARFUL THOUGHTS. Never blame, only resolve them within. You have the power to resolve to what you want. Don't waste that power on blaming yourself.

you are ALWAYS GREATER than what you are creating in your mind.

We are NOT trying to manipulate reality or force some change upon this physical world. That will happen NATURALLY. Why? Because your world is REFLECTING SELF.

CHANGE SELF BY DOING AND HAVING WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR MIND.

Do you not realize you only get what you want when you give it to yourself?

4: Inner self must be exalted

It comes down to who you think you are. Who you are identifying yourself with. In order to feel completely free, you must identify yourself with the one within you.

When Neville says "Leave the world just as it is and change self. No one to change but self," he means the self that is within, the only self there is. Why leave the world alone? Because it is only an expression of "SELF!" Why does he say to change that and that alone? Because "SELF MUST BE EXPRESSED," that is the Law. You don't have to doubt "is my imaginal act going to come to pass?" Who is doubting? "SELF!" Who is worrying? "SELF!" What gets expressed? "SELF!" YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST THAT SELF WILL BE EXPRESSED!

Discard the outer-world and that includes your identification with this body. This is ALL an EXPRESSION OF THAT "SELF."

identify yourself from within and you will grant your every wish from within.

since you identify yourself with outer-world and outer-self instead of your True Self and inner-world where everything is possible, you remain stuck.

identify yourself, not with this world, but with the one within, the one who is truly desiring.

5: Imagining is FUN

Thoughts come FROM your FEELING.

thought HAS NO POWER OF ITS OWN. That means the thought HAS NO TRUTH IN ITSELF.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY IF YOU ARE HAVING THE "RIGHT" THOUGHTS OR IF YOU SAYING THE "RIGHT" THINGS IN YOUR MIND. NO MORE TRYING TO THINK PERFECTLY.

You create the feeling you want and from that thoughts come. That is a STATE [!!!]. Remove this idea that beliefs are hard to change and they are blockages in your subconscious.

bring yourself back to the Creator. Stop identifying yourself with the thoughts and understand they are coming FROM the FEELING.

FEEL what you have ALWAYS WANTED to feel, you will NATURALLY THINK-FROM that position. THAT IS A STATE. THAT IS LIVING IN THE END.

FREE YOURSELF IN YOUR MIND ENTIRELY. Stop caring if it will happen or what will happen, REALITY IS YOUR MIND. IT REFLECTS "SELF."

6: Honey

REMOVE ALL RULES!

"Should I? I Must! I Have To!"

These are rules we create in the Mind. Why do we do it? We do for the simple reason that we are trying to control the world. With our physical actions we are trying to control it.

(People who create rules) think the world is outside of them so they create all these rules to control it.

Start with the feeling that, "I can have and feel whatever I want in my mind."

★ free yourself of the rules you (or others) created. Free yourself in your mind. Fulfill your desires within as you want to.

7: I Am not going to tell you "You are Crazy"

we should do everything we want in our minds with no fear. Doing what we want, which is so simple, frees us.

The moment I have any desire in me, I fulfill it. I don't care what it is, how "big" or "small"! I DO NOT CONDITION IT OR WONDER IF IS POSSIBLE ANYMORE OR "GOING TO WORK".

If you really see your mind as the reality, and you fulfill your desires within, you will see how stupid it all is.

the greatest Self-Concepts, the greatest Feelings, the greatest Thoughts are the ones you WANT to have.

start with changing self radically. See yourself entirely different by feeling what you want to be.

When the feeling or desire comes upon you, THAT is the time to ACCEPT IN FULLNESS! Do not wait, do not put it off. Accept in fullness. That is truly what you want to do!

8: Feeling & SELF

Studying [the law] is one thing, actually accepting it another.

EVERYTHING is an assumption. All those thoughts you are thinking are assumptions, and THE MIND DOES NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

how does one feel? The word is ACCEPTANCE. ACCEPT (your desire) ANYWAYS, ENTIRELY ACCEPT IT IN THE MIND!

Create this wonderful habit of accepting every wonderful desire that comes to you. Then you will become normal.

I thought we were suppose to manipulate and control the world. I thought we were suppose to imagine a scene and repeat over and over until it happened. I was wrong. "NO ONE OR NOTHING TO CHANGE BUT SELF!"

when you are panicking about so-so or what might happen or this or that, remember ONLY CHANGE SELF! There is nothing else to change, or nobody else you must change!

SELF is the way to control and manipulate the world. SELF is who you think you are and what you think you have WITHIN! This is a feeling.

9: If I Am then I will Be

"Nothing to change but SELF", "Feeling is the secret." Well, if there is nothing to change but self, how is feeling the secret? In order to change self, it changes through FEELING. This is so important because so many times, I have and others repeated countless affirmations to see little if any results. We repeat it 1000 times, hope it "sticks in the subconscious." Then we hear about feeling so we force feeling into it, and it changes us for a bit but then it becomes exhausting. It becomes exhausting because we feel that we HAVE TO feel this specific feeling or else.

There is no HAVE TO, but WANT TO. FEEL what you WANT to Feel. You discover what you want to feel by asking SELF inside. FEEL that. It does not matter what it is, just something you have always wanted to feel. This is what changes us.

Forcing affirmations, forcing feelings is not what you want. If you just changed the intention to feeling it because you want to feel it, because you want to fulfill all your desires within yourself with feeling, then you would be far happier.

SELF cannot fail at expressing. And SELF is ALL that you FEEL to BE and HAVE in your MIND! Allow yourself the freedom of FEELING what you want with no worry.

So SELF or yourself cannot fail you. You always express what you FEEL to be and FEEL to have. There is NO OTHER CREATOR IN YOUR MIND. None. You are doing it ALL in your mind. You give or you take. There is no other God in the Mind but you.

We are what we feel to be and have in Imagination and this dream world shapes to US.

10: Fearful Of Magnificence?

We should go beyond just granting wishes and start seeing ourselves highly in our minds.

You learn to stop fearing the wonderful feelings by seeing it is YOU who is holding yourself back.

Once you break through your own fear of wonderful feelings, you will see it was you all along. All fear are mental imaginings that you are creating within yourself. Knowing, you bring the power of CREATION BACK TO YOURSELF.

11: Self Identification

How can I BE what I want?

It lies in your IDENTIFICATION OF SELF. Do not be afraid but IDENTIFY yourself FULLY with the INNER MAN. The immortal you. The one that can do ANYTHING it wants. The one who owns the world and all that is in it. If you identify yourself with the inner man, you will be free.

The outer man see's nothing but limitations. He lives in desire. Too many of us have identified ourselves with what the outer-man HAS and IS, not seeing it is a reflection of the INNER MAN.

See what you HAVE and what you claiming yourself to BE WITHIN. THAT is what is reflected always.

You do not have to persuade others to help you [!!!]; all you need do is believe you are what you want to be and then let the world (which is nothing more than yourself pushed out) go to work to make your assumption possible. - Neville

How can you "believe you are what you want to be" when you the world is showing you otherwise? Again it comes down to "SELF" IDENTIFICATION. Conceptions of ourselves are what WE FEEL OURSELVES, OUR INNER MAN TO BE. The Inner Man has all the freedom to see and feel what it wants to be.

To the Inner Man EVERYTHING ALREADY IS TRUE, not to the outer. IT ALREADY IS SO, to the Inner Man. There is no convincing necessary, no 1,000 affirmations, no repeating over and over hoping it works, IF YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF WITH THE INNER MAN.

You did not imagine "How" to get there, you are already there in imagination. Your issue is NOT in imagining the end, your issue lies in who you are identifying yourself with. If you imagine yourself in the end, which is easy, but then you identify yourself with the outer-man, you will breed nothing but frustrations.

"Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be" - Neville

Leave the world as it is, with all of its denials and change yourself within and see how it is yourself pushed out.

So discard all beliefs of what you think you are, or what you have been called etc, and Identify yourself with the One Within and you will be free.

12: Personal Reality

stop thinking about the outer-world. You get rid of this 3D reality. You then FEEL that your inner world is YOUR reality. Your own PERSONAL reality, where you can do, have, and be what you want.

We are not trying to "make something happen" or "hope it manifests," rid yourself of these feelings. They will do nothing but block the wonderful feelings and experiences you want to have within. This is your own personal reality.

Once you create this personal reality where everything seems to go lovely, you will see that there is no one to blame for what you were previously imagining. Taking all responsibility for what happens WITHIN us, we can then use that power to change what we want WITHIN us.

13: No Permission Needed

Remember the outer-world is a reflection of what the INNER MAN has, is and does in their own Personal Inner Reality. That is you.

if we wish to have radical change, let's radically change the INNER MAN. Give the INNER MAN what they want. That is, radically change your own Personal Inner Reality.

"DARE to assume" DARE to FEEL (accept) what you want. Without doing that, you remain as you are.

THE INNER MAN NEEDS NO PERMISSION! THE INNER MAN DOES NOT CARE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS POSSIBLE! So in your Personal Reality, your Mind, understand you need no permission to FEEL what you want to feel. No permission whether not it is "possible". Identify yourself with the INNER MAN who is FREE to do, feel and be what they want!

Your Personal Inner Reality is not bound by the facts of this life. In the Reality Within, you can go back in memory and change what you want. It is YOURS to change!

Daily FEEL what you want to feel and experience what you want in Imagination which is your true SELF, the SELF that is reflected in front of you.

14: The God Of The World Of Imagination!

There is this world, the World of the Senses, and there is another world, the World of Imagination. There is a Man who experiences the World of the Senses, which we call the Outer-Man. Then there is another Man who experiences the World of Imagination. We call that Man the INNER MAN.

The Outer-Man sees the limitations and restrictions in the World of the Senses. The Outer-Man feels he is limited and confined to the ‘facts’ of life. The Outer-Man goes through life fully convinced that this World of the Senses is happening to him not from him. He uses only his five senses to move in this World. So naturally he feels like a victim and desires to control this world through the means of force, manipulation etc. The Outer-Man feels fear that life can throw at him things that he is not prepared for. Situations he does not want to encounter but since he feels powerless, he fears the future. Since he cannot change the past, he guilt himself over it. This is how he is limited.

Then there is the Inner-Man who lives in the World of Imagination. In this World, he is unlimited and can create what he wishes. He is free beyond measure and everything that he can be conceive of is his. Everything. Not one thing is not his because he is the Creator of it!

THERE IS NO OBJECTIVE OUTER-MAN. The Outer-Man is simply an expression of the Inner Man. The only Man that exists is the Inner Man. There is NO OBJECTIVE WORLD OF THE SENSES. The World of the Senses, is but the expression of the World of Imagination.

The Inner Man can convince himself that he is this Outer-Body living in this dangerous world but he is still the Inner Man fooling himself into that!

PART 15: Awakening

What the Inner Man FEELS himself to BE and FEELS himself to HAVE in the World of Imagination is what will be EXPRESSED in this World of the Senses.

you are an INNER individual living in the World Of Imagination. In this World, you are God. You can imagine anything. All things are possible here in this world, INCLUDING the FULFILLMENT of your desire. You can change SELF to what you want. And SELF is what you THINK you HAVE and what you THINK you ARE in this World of Imagination. Read that sentence again. And SELF, THAT SELF, is what is EXPRESSED.

As you read this, you are living in this 3D world. You own things within it, you HAVE things. Based on what you HAVE in this 3D world, you create identities for yourself. Remember, we CLAIM we ARE things BASED on what we THINK WE "HAVE."

stop identifying yourself with this 3D world, which is simply an expression of INNER SELF, if you stop identifying yourself with what this 3D person "HAS," and start identifying yourself with the INNER MAN, you will see the freedom.

in this 3D world, we give ourselves identities based on what we THINK (FEEL) we HAVE. So if we can identify ourselves with the INNER MAN, and in that world we HAVE the things we want, we can then give ourselves a new identity.

stop thinking you are "only imagining" this. I want you to stop thinking what you are seeing in your mind is "fake." I want you to stop reacting to what you do not want to react to you. I want you to stop FEELING limited by this World of the Senses. I want you to stop worrying about HOW or WHEN it is going to happen and instead FEEL secure KNOWING this 3D world reflects what your INNER SELF HAS AND IS WITHIN. I want you to FEEL you are limitless within because you are! You do not have to bow down to this world and accept what you THINK it says about you. I want you to FEEL yourself to be the creator of everything within you.

Can you accept that you HAVE what you want because you see yourself (INNER SELF) with it, and everything in this World of Imagination is yours and is real?

PART 16: "What Else?"

How I enter into a New State of Consciousness? Death. Death is the only way. How does one die to a State of Consciousness? By surrendering to the New State. You cannot enter into a New State taking with you all the limitations, questions, and worries of the Old State. The Inner Self must be exalted but it cannot be exalted by holding 2 contradictory States.

When you imagine having exactly what you want in your mind, you do not question anything, you do not worry, you do not wonder "what if," you do not entertain the Old State and its limitations for one second. You die to it entirely.

You cannot bring your current limitations, worries, questions and FEELINGS with you to your New State.

The States or Concepts you hold in the Imagination are nothing but things you "hold." That is it. You think because the concept you are holding is reflecting in your world somehow makes it more "real?" I assure you it is not. It does not really matter if it is being reflected.

PART 17: Dream The Dream

remove the outer-world and remove the idea of "trying to manifest" and simply have the attitude of changing your INNER WORLD to your liking. Here is nothing to do, nothing to force on the outside. You change it, you mold it, you feel it and you do it all within you. You create a new dream, a perfect dream within you.

To "try to manifest," is a feeling. "Trying to get, trying to resolve, trying to make something happen," are FEELINGS you take with you before you imagine. These feelings are what disrupt you from actually FEELING what you want to feel. Instead FEEL that you are solely going to re-imagine, or re-dream a new dream WITHIN YOU and you will change you FEELING how you feel within. These changes is what expresses itself in the world. So if you wish to change the outer-world, leave it alone. Leave it alone and go within and change THAT WORLD, the world WITHIN. Change who you are THERE, change what you have THERE, change how you are treated THERE. Dream up a new World Within!

PART 18: Expansion

what you are seeing in your mind is not fake. And not only is it NOT fake, you can shape it PRECISELY how you want to shape it.

In order to actually lose yourself in the imaginal act, one must accept it is real and let go entirely of the outer-world. One must suspend rational thinking, and just accept it is real.

In order to access this feeling you must not be afraid to assume it is Real. If you are not FEELING it then that means you are still bound by your senses and this outer-world. You need to allow yourself the Freedom to Expand BEYOND the rational mind that is keeping you from experiencing your Wish being granted. You cannot be afraid anymore to feel and imagine what you want.

PART 19: Boldness

Your Mind is your own Personal Reality and you have the power to shape it PRECISELY, and FEEL what you want in it!

This is about giving the Inner Self what you want.

PART 20: Receptivity

Now we come to Denying. That is to say that we must truly let go of what the Outer World is showing us. True Denial is not looking at your World and merely repeating, "It does not exist," but is actually ACCEPTING the new reality within you. You do not deny being unwanted, by stating your are not unwanted. You deny unwantedness with the ACCEPTANCE of being wanted. It is our ACCEPTANCE of our Imagination which is our DENIAL of the senses. So Denying is not something you do, it is the implication of your ACCEPTANCE of the Imaginal Scene.

To stress yourself on whether you are "denying" the evidence of your senses enough is an unnecessary stressor. You do not fight against your senses for they only reflect you. Because "True Denial" as Neville says is "total indifference." But to be totally indifferent about your senses, you must ACCEPT your Imagination as the Reality. To become "indifferent" is an emerging consequence of accepting Imagination as the One and Only Reality.

You cannot wait for the world to change to what you want. You must change what you are and have in Imagination. If you are tired of what your world is reflecting, you can be confident it will keep reflecting that until you change YOU inside your Consciousness. This calls for radically giving yourself what you desire IN Consciousness.

PART 21: Irrationality

Chances are you truly are NOT giving yourself what you want because you feel some impossibly in it. Forget that. All things are possible in the Imagination. Do it anyway. Just do it. Do what? What you deeply want. Do you for only you, you Inner Self.

PART 22: The Dreamer

Never seeing he is the Creator, the Cause he always fails. The idea that he does not have to do anything, he does not have to work his way out - this idea is lunacy to the Outer-Man. He thinks, "No, there must be a way that I just have not figured out yet." So he goes on seeking outside of himself, yet he himself is a desiring self, and only seeing his reflection, he only see's his desires. Never obtaining them, always seeking them, frustrations, rage, jealousy all stir up within him. Hating his world, hating what he see's, hating his own reflection he wants to destroy it. He cannot win because he lives in a position of fear and failure, and what is within will be without because Man can only give what is within himself.

If only he were to stop hating his reflection, and saw that the mirror only reflects what he is doing, he would be free. If only he were to see the mirror is stationary and does not judge but simply reflects. If only he were to see himself in the mirror and see he is the Creator, he would be free.

He does not have to cope with his limitations, he does not have to fight his way out. He will stop feeling after his fears and become indifferent about them for they are his Creation and has no power over him.

The Dreamer abandons limitations and turns towards his desires and gives it to himself fully. The Dreamer will always dream beyond what his limitations dictate.

PART 23: Unconditional Thinking

To truly grasp the freedom that is attainable within you, you must understand the concept of States. A State is a belief about the yourself or what you believe you will experience, an attitude towards life. There are infinite statues (states) that lie dormant within you. They do not disappear, for nothing can disappear in Imagination. The acceptance that you are the State now, is what brings life to these dormant statues.

If entering into a New State within you is challenging it is because you have not accepted who you are within. You are not a State, but is God. As God within, whose permission are you asking for? To whom do you answer to? If there is only One Being within you, then who can stop you?

If you wish to rise as something New in Imagination, you have to give up entirely your currently thoughts/feelings, questions, worries, what you think of the world, what you think is possible, if you think you are worthy or not, if you deserve the New State etc.

"Don't tell me anything!" That is the secret. Total self-abandonment to the current State is the way to bring life towards the New State.

You have to die to what you do not want to express entirely, a true act of surrender. You can do it.

leave the world alone and go within and die to what you want to stop expressing and allow yourself to be what you want. Imagination is the evidence you are seeking for it is the only reality.

Assume all works in your favor to express your States. This is how the Imagination works. Everything within you is yourself for the taking. Think unconditionally.

💬 may u had a lovely read... ♡ i see u next post!

#neville goddard #loa advice #loatumblr #loa blog #law of assumption #manifesting #living in the end #edward art #law of abundance #loa tumblr #void state #States #wish fulfillment #Dream life #I am #I am god #healing #motivation

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withlovemark · 1 year

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to be loved - steve harrington

warning: mentions of steve's wounds, little angst! but it's a happy ending i promise

pairing: steve x reader

words: 2.3k+

summary: steve finally allows himself to believe in love again

an: i posted this a couple of days ago? and just now realized it got deleted. not really sure what happened there. anyways, found this in my drafts a week ago? (i have no concept of time). i didn't want to leave it rotting there so i wrote a quick ending and here you go. hope its okay!

three light taps, a knock that echoed throughout the boy’s dimly lit room, a sound enough to startle him after the events that have taken place in the past few days. not a single other person was in this house, a normality that he has accepted. steve’s parents were never around and he had no other relatives that would even care if he was still alive. his friends were a bunch of high schoolers, except for robin and…you.

he knows he’s messed it up with you. he can see it with the way you avoid his glances, the way you would choose to sit in the furthest chair away from him, the way you would get quiet when he was around and the way you stopped yourself from reaching out for him. the familiarity of your touch is no longer accessible, becoming only a memory. he can’t blame you though, your last words to him still replaying in his mind, loud and clear.

“i don't think i can do this anymore steve, i can't keep coming to your house, sleeping in your clothes, doing things that friends aren’t supposed to be doing, just for you to still be thinking about her.”

he’s about to roll over onto his bed. to sleep the remnants of the past away. to keep ignoring everything like he always does and get ready for a new day, pretending he was healed. that he was okay. he was not.

nowadays, it’s easier to slap a smile on his face instead of talking about his feelings. the last time he let himself truly feel something, he got his heart ripped out of his chest and trampled upon like it meant nothing, like it was a rock you could use to skip stones, one that you could let go of and not care enough whether it comes back to shore or get lost in the deepest parts of the lake.

another knock makes its way to his ears. he thinks he’s imagining it until another one comes. grabbing the bat he hid between his nightstand, he slowly made his way to his bedroom door, feeling absolutely drained. the pain on his stomach, from the demobats that got a taste, still stinging, a pain that travels throughout his body with every miniscule movement. slowly, he carefully unlocks his door, ready to swing, until his brown eyes meet your wide, shocked ones. letting out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding, he slowly lowers his bat.

“hi,” you whisper, “i uh, got in using the spare key,” a sheepish smile on your lips, holding up the silver key that was hidden in the dead plant placed on his front door. the key he told you about so you could sneak into his house at any given moment. the key that led to love marks all over his body, painting pink and purple constellations. the key you haven’t used since that night you decided to end whatever it was there to end.

“you agreed to no feelings, that we would just be friends with benefits and that's it, you know that's all it could be,” steve has his face resting on his palm, his once perfectly styled hair going in different directions. like this - bare chest, lips still red from yours, neck stained beautifully by the artwork you left behind, he looked like he belonged in an art gallery.

“i-i know, but i-i couldn’t help it…it’s just so easy to fall in love with you,” a confession that leaves the boy paralyzed, doe, teary eyes staring up at his brown ones — almost pleading.

“stop. you don’t know what you’re saying.” he’s angry. mad that those words could slip past your lips so easily. mad that even though you’re looking at him like he somehow brought the moon to you, he still can’t find it in himself to believe it.

“steve-,” you try to reach out for his hand but he pulls away before you could even feel him. all you want is to pull him into your arms, to remind him that he is worth loving but you see the battle in his eyes, the war that’s taking place in his mind and you know he has his kingdom closed, walls up, ready to strike and defend himself at any second. there is no room for you in his castle, you see that now.

“i-im sorry,” your voice was gentle, afraid he’ll completely lock the gate on you. the last thing you wanted was to fight, you’re defenseless when it comes to him.

“let’s just pretend that none of this happened and we can go back to being friends, nothing changes and for the sake of us and the others, no questions asked,” his words were met with silence that cuts through like a sword against your neck.

you felt detached from reality, feeling like you were watching this conversation happen instead of being a part of it. you had no control when you slowly got off his bed and quietly switched back into your clothes, his words transferring a sort of numbness to your whole being.

he watched as you removed his t-shirt from your body and tossed it into his laundry bag, slipping back into your own clothes, making him think that his old t-shirt looked way better on you. yet all he did was watch. watched as you gave him one last forced smile and walked out of his room. the sound of the front door opening and closing traveling throughout the house.

the days that followed after were stolen glances, opposite directions, uncomfortable silences, tiptoes, lingering feelings, longing stares, tension. neither one budged nor made the effort to even act like friends, going along with the others like they were fools when in reality, there can be no one more foolish than the pair.

“hi?” he greets you just as quietly, head tilted, confused, like a puppy who was hearing a new sound for the first time. he sees you glance at his bandaged stomach, eyes traveling up to his bruised neck and notices the way you want to reach out to him but just like all the other times before, you stop yourself.

“i-uh i brought you some food, and a first aid kit,” your voice still a mere whisper, he nods, guards down, stepping aside as you walk into the room you’ve been in countless times before.

you placed the bag on his vanity, taking out it’s contents one by one and like before, he sat upon his bed and watched — a bowl that seemed to contain his favorite chicken noodle soup coming into view, it’s aroma hitting his nostrils, a clear tupperware filled with your famous homemade chocolate cookies, one that smells like home, the ones the kids would fight over with, resulting to an extra batch made just for him since he never won.

he suddenly realizes how hungry he was, not really having the motivation nor the appetite to keep his stomach full. his body responds by lightly growling, a sound he hoped you didn’t hear.

“you should eat,” you break the silence, looking at him through his vanity mirror, “gonna need all your strength back to make sure you can always play hero,” you send him a small smile, he softly chuckles at your words, eyes falling to his sheets which suddenly became interesting, when was the last time he changed his sheets anyway.

“i also brought you new bandages so you can change that every couple of hours, make sure it doesn’t get infected, with all these monsters around, that’d be the lamest way to go, y’know?,” you joked, trying to lighten the air. he stares at your back, contemplating. regardless of the fact that you were always an arm length away, he missed you.

he wants to be selfish. he wants to be taken care of, to be loved.

and for the first time in a while, his mind is silent, focusing only on the fact that you are there.

making his way over to you, he wraps his arms around your waist, hands falling on top of each other, sitting tightly on your stomach, his head hiding on the crook of your neck, light puffs of air falling from his lips causing goosebumps to rise all over your body. he feels you stiffen, holding your breath, before relaxing back into his chest, hand gently hovering over his. you stay that way for a while, a minute or two, before you turn around, still in his embrace. slowly your hands make their way to his neck, fingers dancing lightly around his red, bright scar and ever so gently, landing around his cheek, eyes on yours, “are you okay?”

with those three words, the gates open and with it came a river of tears. he shakes his head no and this time, he lets you pull him into your arms as he found solace in your warmth, your perfume that smelled like the sweetest of flowers, making him feel like the sun was on his back as he laid his head on your chest. your fingers immediately run through his silky hair and he feels like a huge weight has just been lifted off his shoulders.

“thank you for being here,” his voice hoarse from the quiet cries that slipped past his lips, he pulled away, admiring the way the moonlight from his window reflected itself into your eyes, brushing back the strand of hair that dangled in front of them.

“i-i thought i was gonna lose you,” words that broke the boy’s heart. he can’t even imagine what he would have done if the roles were reversed. “i-i was so scared,” you continue, trying to hold back the tears that were begging to fall.

“hey,” rough palms making it’s way to your cheeks, softly caressing you, golden eyes shining, “you will never lose me.”

“haven’t i already?,” you cry out. you hated the way you danced around him like he was a stranger. hated the fact that you couldn’t allow yourself to find comfort in him, afraid you would cross the line that the boy remarkably drew out and completely lose access to him.

“no,” he lightly shakes his head, “ no….hey, look at me,” his finger under your chin, gently pleading for your eyes to find his. “i’m right here, i’m not going anywhere, i’m sorry i’ve been running, i was just…scared,” he admits.

“scared of what?,” you urge him on, waiting for the answer to the problem you’ve been trying to solve. his hands find their way around yours as he looks down, composing his thoughts.

“i was scared you would finally realize there will always be someone better, that you’d leave and i’d be all alone again,” he spills his truths. and you can’t fathom how blind you’ve been to not see it. the reason behind nancy appearing in his thoughts.

“i’m not her, you know?” you say quietly. he nods, “i-i know,” he says guiltily.

“and i don’t want better, steve…i just want you,” you confess into the night, steve feels all the air rush into his lungs, almost like he was learning how to breathe for the first time. he searches your eyes for any signs of doubt but only saw his own reflection in them.

“do you want me?” you barely heard your own voice, afraid of the answer. he scoffs, “god, is that even a question?,” you look at him, confusion etched onto the creases of your eyebrows and steve almost wished the bats got him instead of realizing that he has left you doubting his feelings for you.

“of course i want you,” his brown eyes staring deeply into yours, “i can’t get you out of my head, all this time all i wanted was to be near you, to hold your hand, god, y/n i’m in love with you and i prayed, god i prayed to a guy i barely believed in that we would both make it out there alive because i-i can’t imagine my life without you and-,” he’s breathless, telling you everything he has wanted for weeks. word after word stumbling out of his lips as your smile grew with every syllable, until you couldn’t take it anymore.

you pulled the boy towards you and like magnets, you connected, quickly placing your lips against his before your eyes drowned in your favorite color, the smile forming on his lips evident “i said it before but i’m in love with you too.”

his eyes soften, finally allowing himself to believe those words, soft lips meets yours once again, battling, making up for all the lost time, hands automatically finding its way up his brown curls like they were meant to always be there, his, around your waist, pulling you as close to him as possible, fearing that if he let you go, you’ll disappear as if it was a dream.

but as you make that little sound, the one that drives him crazy, butterflies erupting in his stomach, he knows that this is better than any dream he could ever imagine. you were here with him. you were in love with him.

your hands slowly starts making its way down to his body, but before the situation could escalate, he can’t help but break the kiss off, the pain from his wounds still evident, he lets out a sharp moan, “ow,” snapping you back to reality.

“oh my god, i'm so sorry,” you apologize, inspecting his bandages.

“don’t be,” he reassures you, a light kiss placed upon your lips, “you’re worth it,” he teased, causing your giggles to harmonize, his forehead leaning against yours, a content sigh slipping off his lips. two eyes crinkling, sharing light smiles.

“as much as i would love to stare into your eyes forever” you break the dream-like state, “i worked really hard on that chicken noodle soup and it would be a shame for it to go to waste,” you laugh and he holds on to the moment as long as possible.

“now, we wouldn’t want that, plus we have forever to lovingly gaze in each other’s eyes,” he winks, sending you into a fit of laughter. he kisses you one more time before grabbing your favorite t-shirt, his t-shirt, in his drawer and handing it to you.

an: i really don't post in this acc unless i have something to post lmao. also, currently in my bridgerton phase so don't mind the profile pic, or do mind it? feel free to let me know your favorite bridgerton :)

#steve harrington x you #stranger things x you #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington angst #steve harrington #steve x reader #steve harrington imagines #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington stranger things #stranger things x y/n #stranger things x reader #love.c.#steve harrington x reader angst

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dreamlifebunny · 7 months

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a better way to affirm (and make any method more effective!)

every desire we could ever want has already been said "yes" to and everything is possible - this is the beautiful truth of the law of assumption. a very popular method for manifesting is affirming for your desires: with affirming, we tell ourselves "i have money, my sp loves me, i am safe, etc." attempting to conjure up the feeling that the affirmations are true. however, when we don't actually believe in the affirmations, repeating them over and over can feel vapid, yucky, and even make us feel like we are lying to ourselves, causing us to feel the opposite of the affirmations we were using.

when talking about imaginal acts and imagination, edward art has often said that it's not the details of the scene that matters, but what the scene implies about us that is important. it was after listening to his "though false" lecture that i realized, in order for affirmations to be effective, we must first believe they are possible for us at all and they must tell us something beautiful about ourselves.

yes, it is true that mindlessly repeating affirmations over and over again without feeling them can manifest just as effectively as feeling your affirmations and only repeating them once, but the reason why either of these methods work is because you believe that they will work. if repeating affirmations mindlessly 10k times gives you the same feeling that your manifestations are yours, then please keep doing that method! but if you struggle to believe that mindless affirming will actually bring about your desires and you find the repetition boring, this post is for you.

i would like to repeat: the law, in all of its beauty, reminds us that every single thing that we desire has already been said "yes" to. with this beautiful concept in mind, let us create affirmations that feel softer, easier, truer, and give us the peace of mind that we are seeking.

inspiration:

this post is inspired by and at some points directly lifted from edward art's "though false" video. i take zero credit for the ideas that he originally shared, i just wanted to add on my own interpretations and share it with the community so that more people could be inspired!

this post was also inspired by @alilarew23's post "what if god said yes?" i can't believe when i first wrote this that i didn't realize how deeply it was inspired by her incredible post, and only now after reading it again did it dawn on me 😭 i wanted to make sure this post of hers was linked because it is SO good; please give it a read if you want to feel wonderfully validated, safe, and comforted in the knowledge that your desires are YOURS!

steps:

decide what it is that you desire and let the daydreams begin - what do you naturally imagine happening? what do you hear? see/hear/feel/etc. the imaginal act that naturally comes up when you think about your desire (don't worry that you're not doing it right, it's simply a sweet daydream about what you desire)

next, ask yourself: if this desire manifested and really came true, what would that imply about me? what does the manifestation of this desire tell me about myself? get to the core of what the manifested desire says about you. for example, if you wanted wealth and you naturally visualized travelling the world with all the money you have and imagined that the scene was true, the core belief could be "i am free to do anything i want without barriers." if you wanted wealth and you naturally visualized seeing your bills paid off and imagined that the scene was true, the core belief could be "i am always safe and looked after financially."

we have now figured out what our desire says about us, and our next step is to ask god if what it says about us is true. since WE are god, we go within and ask, "God/Self/Subconscious, am I (insert the answer we found in step two)?" the example could be, "god, am i lovable? am i safe?" etc.

because we know that every desire we could ever want has already been said "yes" to no matter what, answer yourself as god: "yes!"

feel the feeling of relief - you now know that a) your desire will manifest, and also b) that you are everything that your desire implies about your wonderful self and that you now know that your affirmation of choice is true! how beautiful is that? repeat these steps however often you need peace.

as you can see, this takes you right to the feeling that you are trying to get achieve by manifesting your desires. we manifest to feel loved, happy, successful, wealthy, so why not feel those ways while we wait for our manifestation to show up? it gets us to the core of the belief and helps us figure out exactly what it is we are wanting to feel about ourselves. it makes the affirmation feel a lot more powerful and personal, and a lot more "guaranteed" knowing it is coming to you from yourself as god.

example:

lets say i have decided that i want to manifest a partner back, who ghosted me with no explanation and who chose someone else over me, and that it left me feeling worthless. the imaginal act that comes to my mind when i imagine him coming back and choosing me is my partner holding me tight, crying and apologizing for the pain he has caused, and telling me how much he missed me, loves me, and how badly he wants to rebuild trust and cherish me for the rest of our lives (💅)

if my desire came true, it would tell me that i am irreplaceable, lovable, obsess-worthy, worthy of affection and love, unforgettable, irresistible, etc. (how lovely that would be to feel!)

"bunny (god), i know that everything that i want has already been said yes to. does this mean that i am irreplaceable, lovable, obsess-worthy, worthy of affection and love, unforgettable, and irresistible?" (i would probably just use one hehe but you get the point).

knowing that i am god and that my word is law, i tell myself the beautiful "yes!" that i know is true! i feel the reality that i am lovable, i trust that god (myself) knows the truth and is powerful.

i relax, knowing that the inherent nature of god is a resounding "yes," and that that means i am already lovable, irreplaceable, etc.!

i hope that this exercise can bring you peace, remind you of your incredible worth and of how truly lovable and wonderful you are, and ensure you of the guarantee of your desires manifesting. if you have made it to the end of this post, please consider watching the "though false" lecture and ali's post "what if god said yes?" for even more validation and love!

love and hugs, bunny 💕

#law of assumption #manifestation #neville goddard #edward art #bunny's originals #manifesting #loassumption #loa #master manifester #affirmations #affirm and persist #manifesting method

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haitaniapologist · 1 year

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ONLY FOOLS FALL FOR YOU. ( alhaitham x reader )

╰┈➤ some feelings came to haunt you after ten years since the last time you saw him.

pairings — alhaitham x fem!reader.

warnings — rivals / enemies to lover ish, slow burn, reader and alhaitham are in their middle twenties, reader has a pyro vision and is also a dancer and actress, reader is also the daughter of a genshin character, angst and a bit of fluff (happy ending of course but they're idiots in love).

word count — 8.1k

notes — june is back with another long fic for genshin! this one was supposed to be posted ages ago but i only had the time to do it now. i hope you guys will enjoy! reblogs and feedbacks are appreacited <3

lesser lord kusanali was a forbidden matter in your house, but you were sure she was the one who pushed you to be what you were today.

being the daughter of the newest sage in sumeru had its perks, but you hated it. you hated the expectations everyone put on yourself, of how you should follow in your father’s footsteps and join the akademiya — everyone was sure you already had your vacancy there, with how important your father became in such a few moments after his promotion as a sage. but you never cared for scholar subjects, not in the way your two childhood friends did.

alhaitham and kaveh had different interests, but they could enroll in the akademiya with no problem, because their line of study was actually respected by the sages and other scholars. yours, on the other hand, was looked down on and made fun of by every single one of your father’s, and him too, friends. as much as you tried not to look crestfallen when you heard them talking about the performers of the grand bazaar, alhaitham’s hand always managed to find yours when he was present in such gatherings — and you hoped that, when he wasn’t around, nobody would notice the change in your behavior.

the arts were what called you: music, dancing, acting.

you could see yourself becoming a performer at the grand bazaar, dancing and acting for the honor of the dendro archon. the applause and excited screams of the audience were what you wanted to pursue, and not false wishes and the quietness of the akademiya. you thrived when alhaitham and kaveh, albeit forced by you, watched your makeshift plays about the archons and the dances you created in your head. you were aware they pitied you — kaveh with his dreams of being an architect and alhaitham’s love for all kinds of knowledge were much more suitable for sumeru city than your passions for the arts.

that’s why you never expected them to support you in your decision of going against your father’s wishes to join the akademiya, and running away to the grand bazaar to join a theater troupe at the age of fifteen, inspired by a dream you had with the archon of your nation.

it has been almost ten years, but you still remembered your father’s harsh words as if it had happened just yesterday — of how much of a disappointment you were for the family, how he would be able to explain to his peers and your future master that you decided to throw away the bright future it has been given to you, how ungrateful you were and how other people wished they were on your shoes. your mother remained quiet the whole time, but you never expected her support, too. she always agreed with everything your father used to say, almost brainwashed by the luxuries he displayed in front of her. in a way, she was, and the disappointed looks on their faces weren’t hurtful or a surprise for you.

although, what hurt the most was alhaitham’s reaction.

you had feelings from him ever since you knew what romantic love was, but they could never blossom into something more now, that you planned to run away from your home and probably never see your friends and family again.

kaveh was aware of this too, being your confidant and best friend, trying to persuade you to not give up on everything — alhaitham and the akademiya, but you couldn’t pretend happiness in doing something you hated just because of feelings you didn’t even know if it was reciprocated. if alhaitham really liked you, he would respect your wishes and want your happiness before anything else.

it seemed like he didn’t, having the same reaction as your father — but his words were the ones who brought you to tears, his voice harsher and colder than you’ve ever heard growing up at his side, breaking your heart and cutting your skin like the blade he used to train. you almost gave up on your convictions and stayed in your home and went to the akademiya like your father wished, just to see him looking down at you with anything but the hatred dancing in his eyes.

but you could not. not when lesser lord kusanali appeared to you in a dream, only to tell you to follow your dreams. you could not turn your back against your god and not do what she wished — she was the god of wisdom, and you trusted her judgment.

and that’s why you turned your back to him, running away from your feelings for him and burying them in the deepest part of your heart. though, from time to time, you wondered what happened to him — did he and kaveh become scholars and follow their dreams just like yourself? how was the akademiya treating them? were they happy? had alhaitham found someone he loved more than his books?

you knew such an answer would break your heart even more, but the agony of not knowing was much more worse.

the grand bazaar welcomed you as if you were a lost daughter returning home after many years, and the zubayr theater became your new family. you were finally at the place you were destined to be, doing what you loved — captivating the audience with your movements and expression, bringing the toughest of men to his knees in broken sobs by your performances. the stage for you was like the library to the scholars of the akademiya, and you learned more and more every day you performed.

you weren't alone there, having the company of nilou, your fellow dancer and actress who shared the same passion for the arts and love for the dendro archon, and, despite the age difference between the both of you, you two become fast friends — more than friends you came to notice one day, because the younger girl became like a little sister to you in just a few months of knowing each other. and you couldn’t be happier by following the words of lesser lord kusanali, thanking her every day for whispering her wisdom for you in your dreams.

your days were spent rehearsing and performing, sometimes helping the merchants in the grand bazaar and planning more and more plays with your peers of the zubayr theater. it was like an act of resistance, almost, the performances you did — the people of sumeru were fond of the troupe’s plays, especially the children, and seeing the disapproval looks of the scholars were your fuel to not stop.

it was supposed to be one of those days for you. a dance performance was scheduled in the treasures street, always buzzing with people due to its stalls and merchants, but today was different — you received the intel that a bunch of scholars would be wandering the area, probably for a case study of whatever the akademiya was planning. it was the perfect opportunity to show those arrogant scholars at least a glimpse of the wonders of the performing arts, and you couldn’t help but dress like greater lord rukkhadevata was described in the records you remembered reading as a child, just to spite the scholars even more.

probably for a case study of whatever the akademiya was planning. it was the perfect opportunity to show those arrogant scholars at least a glimpse of the wonders of the performing arts, and you couldn’t help but dress like greater lord rukkhadevata was described in the records you remembered reading as a child, just to spite the scholars even more.

you winked at your musician, a teenage boy who held the same spite for the akademiya you did, starting your movements as soon as the sounds of the flute reached your ears. the flowing white sleeves and your long white and green skirt created a beautiful sight alongside the choreography nilou helped you to come up with, and the crowd’s cheers and boos didn’t reach your ears. whenever you were dancing, the outside world was shut down, your senses completely enveloped by the surrounding music. you moved as if you were made of water, a delicacy never seen before in the way your body spins.

your eyes were kept close, as you didn’t wish for an unpleasant view to take your focus away. performing in the open was more difficult than in the grand bazaar — people there, at least, were also enjoyers of the arts. however, you couldn’t just ignore the call to show more people how the arts were a form of wisdom, too.

the music ended, as well as your dance, and you bowed gracefully while opening your eyes to scan the crowd, the boos louder than anything else. but what was supposed to be a swift escape from the scholars and a few guards your vision managed to spot, was cut by a strong hold in your arm, dragging you away from your makeshift stage. too shocked to do anything else, you let yourself be pulled away from the crowd of scholars, their screams now louder that you were in the middle of them.

“take away this scum from our city, scribe!”

your eyes, that were cast down to your feet, widened at such words. scribe was the title your father had before he became a sage, and, even though it didn’t make sense being him the one who was dragging you, your heart still raced with fear. though, when you had enough courage to look properly at your captor when you were a few meters away from the scholars, it was someone who you never thought of seeing again.

those blue eyes, shining with the same rage it shone years ago, still haunted your dreams whenever you closed your eyes.

“let go of me, alhaitham!” you managed to say, besides the lump in your throat.

it was strange to see him, almost ten years after you left your house. alhaitham changed, of course — he was taller and more muscular, and his face was more sharp than it was before, now the face of an adult rather than a teenager’s one. his hair remained the same almost, only a bit shorter, but his eyes were still the ones you remembered from your childhood. you never forgot the exact shade of blue of them, of how the colors merged to create his pupils. they were mesmerizing, but it seemed that they would never look down at you with love on them once more.

“what were you thinking, y/n?” his voice was quiet but demanding, yet he didn't lose his composure, acting as if the rage in his words was nothing. “dancing in front of a crowd of people who hate the arts?” his grip on your arm tightened, and you couldn't find the same comfort you did as a teenager in his presence.

you were angry, far angrier than you originally thought you would be if you saw him again, and sad — even though your heart still beat only for him. “i would have escaped, scribe. like i always did.” venom laced his new title, something so familiar yet foreign. it didn't suit him. he wasn't supposed to follow in your father's footsteps, as if he had replaced his own daughter with her friend. “i had a plan that was ruined by you.”

if the bitterness in your voice affected him, he didn't let it show on his face — but his grip around your arms softened, and you took that as your cue to get away from his touch. his presence alone was too intoxicating, clouding your senses and messing with your better judgment.

little did you know, but you had the same effect on him.

his closed fists weren't because of his rage, but from his urge to hold you between his arms once more — to feel your skin against his fingertips, to run his fingers in your hair and kiss your forehead, to hold you against his chest and tell you how many nights he was kept awake thinking about you. alhaitham was a coward and he was aware of it, knowing you were residing at the grand bazaar and not setting foot in the place, afraid of seeing you in the arms of another with no thought of yours being about him, like all of his were about you.

“and what were you going to do? run away from all those scholars who were clearly offended by your choice of clothing?” he barked back, watching your eyes roll and your arms crossing on your chest. you were beautiful, wearing what the scholars believed were greater lord rukkhadevata's clothes back when she was alive. the color complimented your skin, and the flowing sleeves and skirts made your movements more graceful than alhaitham remembered them to be.

you scoffed. he was just like all the scholars you grew up to hate, arrogant and too confident in his abilities, and it hurt your heart to reach such a conclusion — that your first love was an akademiya scum. “i will not tell you.” you turned your back to him, starting to walk back to where you were, hoping that alhaitham would leave you alone to return home. but, the heavy sounds of his boots were your clue that he wouldn't leave you to your own company. “just let me return home.” you voice was quiet and full of hurt, small, just like alhaitham remembered it to be when your father would scold you.

and he hated the fact that he was the one making you feel like that.

however, he couldn't say sorry and leave you alone — he finally saw you after years of earning for such a meeting to happen and, even though he'd never admit that, he wanted to spend more time with you and know everything that happened in the years you were apart. he could always rely on the akasha to know such information, but things appearing on his mind would never have the same effect as hearing your voice. “you're defenseless. if your father knows that i didn't protect you, i'm a dead man by tomorrow morning.”

his words took you by surprise. “he made you promise this years ago. i'm sure that now he will be delighted if something happens to me.” you bit the inside of your cheeks to prevent the tears in your lashes from falling down, your head turned to the side so he couldn't see them. talking about your father was still a delicate subject for you — as much as you wanted to hate him for all the wrongs he said for you when you were fifteen, the loving and caring father that he was until that day arrived still plagued your thoughts.

alhaitham shrugged. “i don’t care about him, i care about the promise i made, and i will not go back on my word.” you didn’t notice when you both stopped walking, but the gloved hand on your face, wiping the tears away while obligating you to look directly at his eyes, made your body be plagued by shivers and your cheeks to flush in a bright red color.

he was the same alhaitham of your memories, wasn't he? the caring and kind, sometimes a bit too blunt, boy that you met alongside kaveh when you two were exploring the forest — his eyes were still the same, and even though they were now with different emotions than in the last time you saw them, his words still had the same painful effect they did once. did he still think that of you? that you were useless and a fool, that you had thrown away the brightest of futures to a life that wasn't worth it. your brows furrowed, and you got away from his grasp, missing the way his eyes shone with hurt at your rejection of his affection.

but he would fight for you and he would gain your trust again, and alhaitham didn't care for the time this would take. he just wanted you back where you belonged — between his arms and in his life.

—

he stayed true to his word, even if you didn't know about them. all you knew was that he became a constant presence in all your performances, whenever they would be. he was the first person you saw when you opened your eyes after dancing in the honor of the dendro archon, the first person that congratulated you or the person who led you to safety when you decided to perform in front of scholars.

it was annoying, at the beginning. alhaitham always had a critic to say, either being something about the music or the lighting — or even your partners in the performance, especially if they were men, saying that they didn't let you shine like he knew you could alone — but you knew that was his way of complimenting you. he has always been like that, too logical to know how to say a kind word instead of what you should do to make your performance better in the next time. it was almost endearing how he noticed the small details about your dance, like the way your hands moved or the sound your bracelets made when you clapped your hands.

you both were from different worlds, but different worlds that completed each other in ways you never thought it would. the arts and the runes were almost like oil and water, but you and alhaitham made them mix it perfectly.

he also always made sure he was the one who left you at your room's door, perhaps to know that you were indeed safe, and you made the mistake of asking alhaitham if he wanted to come inside the third time he did that.

it was already late in the night when your performance ended, that time at the the neighborhood with nilou, and you tried to argue with him that you didn't need his protection — everyone in the neighborhood knew who you are, and you knew how to fight and knew how to use your pyro vision to burn those who tried to harass you. and as much as he knew that, being the first victim of your vision, he still wanted you at his side. the question left your lips before you could think of it, the gossip that such an action would bring in the inn and in the grand bazaar long gone in your head. just like he wanted to make sure of your safety, you also wanted to make sure of his, too.

you only had one bed, of course, you room enough only to fit one person living there. and as much as he tried to argue with you to let him sleep on the floor, you almost tied his wrists to your bed frame so he could sleep there, knowing that he wasn’t someone who slept much due to the nature of his job in the akademiya. but it seemed that your warmth was enough to make the akademiya's scribe to give up — you both fell asleep with a pillow between your bodies, but you woke up with his strong arms caging you to his chest and his face nuzzled in your neck.

you didn’t dare to move, of course. you couldn’t know how alhaitham’s reaction to such an outcome would be, and the shallow breaths leaving his nostrils were proof enough that he was indeed awake, probably enjoying the few minutes of peace you and your house were granting him. you just nuzzled back on him, hearing him sighing and a pair of lips ghosting your cheek before his warmth left your bed. you only opened your eyes when you heard him moving around your small home. a few words were shared before he left to do his job, a small sandwich in his hands and the promise of seeing you again — though it took one week before that, in a setting that you wished was just a nightmare.

—

zubayr theater had a performance scheduled in the grand bazaar, something that was proposed by you and nilou to bring attention to the place and help the merchants — every time a performance was announced in the city, all the eyes were directed to where it would be. children and women were always more open to the job you and your peers did, always enchanted by the dance moves and theatrics your troupe had to offer, while men and members of the akademiya always looked down with frowns whenever they attended one. you were still warming nilou to the fact that whenever the akademiya members didn’t like it, it meant you were in the right way.

though, however, you never expected to see your father in the crowd.

alhaitham stood proud at his side, though you could see that he was rather uncomfortable — in the short months you spent in his company again since you ran away, you learned what his lack of expression meant. it was just a mask you knew he developed in the years of studying in the akademiya, meant to deceive his peers into thinking that he was above them all, but you could see just by the way his eyes flicked to your form now and then that he wished he was anywhere but near your father. you didn’t know what prompted him to feel such discomfort, wondering if your father was now something more than just a sage in the akademiya, but you knew that you would never know.

you didn’t want to know.

you just trying to ignore his presence in the crowd, his clothes as a sage almost in discrepancy inside the grand bazaar, focusing on the character you needed to portray — as always, the role of greater lord rukkhadevata belonged to you, while nilou was the goddess of flowers. it was a play about the birth of lesser lord kusanali, something that had always been wrapped in mystery to the common folk, and a great source for writers to romanticize and actors to give life to their plays. you were glad you were able to raise curiosity in the hearts of people about the birth of their god, though many of them were still disappointed with the new dendro archon’s lack of great doings.

the performance ended with a round of applause by those who enjoyed it, and some looks of disapproval by those who did not. your eyes scanned the crowd until they found alhaitham’s, but the familiar soft and warm gaze he gave you whenever you ended a play wasn’t there — instead, you were met with cold and calculating eyes, and you didn’t know if he was behaving like that because of your father’s presence or if he finally was persuaded into seeing that you both were from different worlds and how bad it was.

you tried not to be disappointed, nor make the pain in your heart be known by your colleagues, brushing nilou’s worried words with anxiousness — you gave a quick explanation about your father being in the crowd, and she seemed to buy it being the reason for the sadness in your eyes.

after speaking with a few of your admirers, you excused yourself, feigning a bit of tiredness due to the preparations for the performance, smiling at the sight of the merchant’s tents filled with people — they weren’t many, but it was more than you were used to seeing every day. it was such small actions that made everything worthy of it, from running away from the safety of your family and the future your father chose for you to joining a theater troupe and changing your life in a way you only used to dream about, because you were sure you would never be able to help people if you were in the akademiya.

you sighed, hearing rushed voices near your home. you didn’t want to spy on them, but as you recognized the voices to belong to your father and alhaitham, your curiosity took the best of you, hiding between a tree and some brushes.

“i hope you are pleased with my job, grand sage.”

that piqued your interest, hearing alhaitham calling your father by such a title, though your heart fell to your stomach. as much as you wanted to stay there and listen, something inside you told you to just run away and be ignorant — after all, ignorance was a blessing — because if you stayed, you would be heartbroken.

the voice inside you proved to be right, alongside your father’s words.

“i am, indeed, pleased with your job, scribe alhaitham.” azar’s voice was just exactly how you remember it to be when you were growing up, authoritative and unkind. “it is good to get data about those performancers.” they weren’t so close but not too far, and you feared that if you did any abrupt movement your hiding spot would be found — but your fists clenched anyway, anger boiling in your blood by hearing such words. “especially my daughter. i do not want her to disturb any of the students with her foolish ideals. now, because of your help, we can stop her whenever she tries anything.”

you tried not to let the tears that were pooling in your eyes to fall and give them the joy of making you cry after such knowledge, but the sadness inside you was stronger than any other resolution you had. alhaitham was just using you? all the time you two spent together, laughing and rebuilding your friendship, all the soft glances during late nights when he had accompanied you home, and hands brushing your cheek whenever he put a strand behind your ear while whispering goodnight — everything was just a lie for him? just a way for him to gather information about you and your peers to put on that damned akasha, for azar and the other sages to use against you and the other artists?

and you had fallen for it like a puppy.

you thought your childhood crush was something reciprocated, you really did, opening yourself to him like you did to no other man in your life.

“i just did it to protect you.”

his voice took you from your thoughts, your fists still clenched and your nails now draining blood from your palms. how could he? how could he lie so bluntly to you, feigning concern about you? “don’t try to excuse yourself, scribe.” you turned around to meet his eyes, finding them not like you thought they would be — emotionless and even with a bit of mockery shining on them, but they were hurt.

because alhaitham never saw you looking so hurt and angry, not at himself.

“i do not want to see you ever again.”

you left him in the middle of the street with those words, his eyes following your shaking form until you were inside the safety of your house. alhaitham knew that you wouldn’t take his actions well, but he hoped you would never find out what he was doing — because he was, indeed, protecting you. if you did another performance near the akademiya, or near students that would report back to the sages, you would be exiled to the desert just like an insane scholar, and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to save you from such a horrible fate.

he sighed, starting to walk back in the familiar way to the akademiya, his heart the heaviest since you left him when you were teenagers.

maybe he just needed to give you some time for yourself, while he pondered what he could do to make you forgive him.

—

one month.

one month since you last saw alhaitham, and you wished you could say that his actions made you hate him — but it didn’t.

it took you a few days to be able to dance and act again, though your eyes always scanned the crowd in search of him. he was never there, and as much as you were the one who said you didn’t want to see him again, you were disappointed. if he did have feelings for you, would he really give up on you like that? it was beyond frustrating what you were feeling, because you couldn’t understand him or his actions — he really thought you would be fine with him using you to gather information for the akademiya, even if it was to protect yourself from the archons’ know what?

and now he just gave up. why wasn't he fighting for you?

or maybe you were wrong, again. maybe he didn’t have feelings for you like you thought he did, and he was really just using you and all the little signals were just a play. if that was the truth, he was a better actor than most people you knew — better than yourself. you would never be able to pretend to have feelings for someone if it wasn’t in a play and you weren’t a character.

as much as you tried to not let your feelings interfere with your everyday life, almost everyone in the grand bazaar noticed that something was wrong. nilou was the first one, the first to notice how puffy and red your eyes were from crying the whole night after the incident with your father and him. though you didn't have the courage to tell her what happened — after all, the dreamy eyes she had whenever you and alhaitham were around, perhaps imagining having a lover like him, didn't pass unnoticed by you — she still knew something happened between the two of you, always offering her support when you needed it. the others were mostly like her, though not as close to you to express their worry verbally.

you lived your life the same it was before you met alhaitham after all those years, though it was harder now. before, his rejection to your young love was just a ghost, something that you would never know — now, however, it was a tangible thing, a bitter taste in your mouth whenever you still searched for his presence in your crowds.

you would never learn that oil and water would never mix perfectly, just like you would never learn you and alhaitham would never have meant to be.

that was what kept your shattered heart together, the glue holding all the pieces as thin as the air, and such a fact you came to know when kaveh visited you on a rainy day. you weren't expecting his visit, of course, the day uneventful due to the weather. you were teaching a bunch of little girls some of your favorite dance moves after they came to you when you spotted a tuft of blonde hair adorned with a blue feather and a pair of red eyes that you would always remember as warm.

though kaveh's reappearance didn't shake you up like alhaitham's, his words were far more worrisome.

after a long awaited shared hug between two old friends and some pleasantries coming from both of your mouths, kaveh broke the news, his red eyes shining with a worry you never saw before in them — in fact, you did, on the day you ran away from your father. “i know something happened between you and alhaitham.” he started, his hands on your shoulders holding you at your place.

“kaveh…” you tried, not wanting to hear anything about him. what was kaveh going to say to you? that he was miserable and not himself, because of something he did? it wasn’t fair to you.

he sighed, already in tune with your mannerisms again — you always said you two were platonic soulmates, knowing everything about each other from the top to bottom, being able to communicate with just your eyes. “i’m not here to play his advocate, far from it. i do not know what happened, as he did not tell me, but,” his grip on your shoulders tightened a bit, as if he was trying to prepare you for what was coming. “he was assigned a mission by the sages almost a month ago. a very dangerous one that i was against him going, you see, but the whole situation with you probably made him more prone to accept it. and…”

“...and?” you heart was beating fast inside your rib cage, faster than you ever remembered it beating. a lot of scenarios were playing in your head, and all of them were worse than the other.

“and he was severely injured.” the world around you was spinning, as if the air wasn’t enough to make the blood go to your lungs, making everything dizzy — but you could see the worry on his face. as much as kaveh pretended to hate alhaitham, you knew that deep down he cared about him, and vice-versa. “he is alright now, y/n, he’s being treated in the akademiya’s infirmary now.” you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, tears now glossing kaveh’s handsome features.

“why are you telling me this?” such a question was eating you alive. you knew kaveh’s nature wasn’t a cruel one, but what he wanted to achieve with giving you this acknowledgement?

“you’re still so impatient.” he chuckled, though it wasn’t filled with mirth like you remembered it to be. “alhaitham was probably going through some fever illusions and he… he kept calling in your name. in a pained way, saying that he couldn’t die before seeing you again.” you heart skipped a beat at your friend’s confession, even more tears glossing your vision now. alhaitham didn’t have this right, the right to break your heart and transform into dust and then made it whole again.

you felt kaveh’s soft fingers caressing your cheeks, wiping the tears away, the beating of your heart more erratic than ever. “can i see him?” the question left your lips before you could think twice, the idea of him dying hurting more than your broken heart.

kaveh laughed. “i was going to ask you that.”

—

in the way to the akademiya, kaveh told you what happened.

he narrated how he noticed something was off with alhaitham a day when he came back unexpectedly earlier to their house. he was used to finding his roommate with a permanent scowl on his face, but he seemed defeated — his scowl wasn’t the arrogant one that alhaitham always displayed on his face, but something akin to sadness and frustration. kaveh didn’t dare to ask what happened, already knowing what his friend was going to say, so he left the matter behind, deeming it to be problems in his job. during the week, alhaitham closed himself off in the house of daena, as if the books could cure whatever was making him so strange, until he came back home one day, gathering his essential things in a small bag and leaving for a confidential mission for the grand sage.

kaveh only heard about alhaitham again two days ago, when he returned to their home bloodied and weak, and he took him to the infirmary — his wounds were more severely than kaveh thought they were, and while he was in the room to watch the amurta students taking care of him, he heard him muttering your name.

“y/n… i can’t die… her… love… sorry… y/n…” those were the words kaveh told you alhaitham had whispered while he was in agony, probably delirious from either pain or fever. your heart broke even more knowing about this, your feet almost running straight to the infirmary, even though you didn’t know the way there — it wasn’t easy to sneak you in the akademiya, but the raining day meant that a lot of scholars weren’t lurking around, ready to see one of them with a performer from the grand bazaar, and you managed to infiltrate the place where all wisdom was created.

kaveh led you to alhaitham’s room, in a wing full of patients who were labeled as having delicate cases, and you wondered what was the mission alhaitham agreed to go. did he went on it because he wanted, or because he was pressured to go? or he used this opportunity to forget about you, risking his life in the process? you couldn’t bear the idea of being the reason why he accepted such a dangerous mission and risked his life for nothing.

but alhaitham was stubborn, and even if you asked, he would never tell you.

parting ways with kaveh with a hug, you slowly entered the room your childhood friend was being treated in, careful to not make so much noise and awake him — kaveh told you he had been unconscious since he arrived, but you didn’t want to disturb him. what if he hated you now? what if he saw you as the culprit of the state he was in, and now was the one who didn’t want to see you? though his feverish words said otherwise, you were still nervous, like you felt whenever you were about to start a performance.

the room was beautiful, just like everything in the akademiya, with a big window that you thought was supposed to make sunlight fill the room, and some medical instruments around it. but it was plain too, with white and green walls and a bed and some nightstand and a loveseat near the bed, probably for a companion.

you made your way to the bed, your steps as light as a feather falling in the ground, afraid that you could awaken him and disturb his recovery. you just wanted to see him, see if he was well, and then leave — you didn’t know how your reaction would be if you saw him with open eyes, probably too overwhelming to see who just got away from lady death’s grasp.

alhiatham looked peaceful, you noticed as soon as you sat on the bed.

he had no frown adorning his features, and he looked much more healthy than you thought he would — he wasn’t pale and his skin was glowing, even if his face had some small bruises which were decorating his handsome face with a tint of purple. he looked so young, just like the boy you had fallen in love while growing up, and it hurt. it hurt to see him like this and to think what your relationship became just because of the prejudice of your father and the scholars.

you wanted nothing more than to caress his face and kiss his pain away and, before you could think straight, your fingers were already ghosting his cheekbones, going down to his lips and his bruises, feeling his warm skin underneath your fingertips and sighing contently feeling his breath tickling your skin. it was good to know that he was alive and well, and after making sure of that, you retracted your hand back to rest in your lap and knew you were ready to go back to the grand bazaar — would he come after you after his recovery? would he tell you what he was whispering in his agony?

though, before you could leave his bed and the room, alhaitham’s hand grabbed yours, making a surprised gasp to leave your lips.

“don’t go…” his voice was rough and raw, strange on his body after two days of not using it. “i do not know if this is a fever dream or not,” he opened his eyes, blinking it to make sure you weren’t a hallucination. “but don’t leave me again, y/n.”

you smiled, a few tears going down on your cheeks. “i promise, alhaitham.” the hand that wasn’t intertwined with his cupped his cheek, and you leaned down to press a chaste kiss to his forehead. “go back to sleep, alright? i will be here when you wake up again.”

he nodded, like a small child, closing his eyes again.

—

alhaitham knew people from sumeru couldn’t dream, but why did your lips on his forehead felt so real?

he groaned, the pain on his chest more than just a physical pain. it hurt to know that his brain and heart craved your presence so much that he dreamed about you — was the dendro archon giving him a bit of solace before he came to face the consequences of his actions? he knew he wasn’t supposed to fight a machine monster all by himself, even though he was strong enough to do so, but such a mechanical being wasn’t like the ones he faced before, and he needed to get that capsule of divine knowledge back.

alhaitham thought that perhaps he could redeem himself in your eyes, if he managed to help sumeru and its people somehow.

he got the capsule back, but almost lost himself to it. he didn’t understand how he managed to arrive at his house before collapsing in pain and loss of blood, the journey home being filled with fever dreams of you and what could’ve happened between you both if he was more open about his feelings, if he wasn’t a coward and had fought for you.

but now the past was in the past, and alhaitham couldn’t do anything to change. he could only bask in what his imagination could give him — the softness of your fingers on his face, the sweetest kiss of your lips and its warmth on his skin, the honey laced promise you made him. it would hurt more than any of his bruises the fact that he would wake up alone in such a cold room, with you being so far away from him.

though the sound of footsteps gave him the idea he wasn’t alone. “close the curtains, kaveh, for the archon’s sake.” he muttered, turning around to not be graced with the sun rays on his face.

the sound of a feminine giggle made him furrow his eyebrows, a sound so sweet that he was sure he was still in a fever dream — the last time he heard your giggles was a day before you discovered what he was doing, laughing at his complaints about kaveh. your smile and your laugh were his fuel to keep fighting that mechanical being, the idea of seeing you happy again enough for him to keep going.

“if you want me to call kaveh, just say it.” you voice was laced with mirth, and a bit of concern, totally different from the cold and filled with rage tone you used the last time alhaitham saw you. it was almost comforting the way you seemed more at ease at his presence, though he knew he owed you an apology.

he scoffed. “never.” he turned around once again, opening his eyes to find you sitting on the love seat near his bed. “hi.” he whispered while he watched you walking towards him, all the words dying on his throat at the sight of you.

it was funny how he always had a witty remark to anything said to him, but never to you. your presence made his brain foggy and disoriented, all his thoughts revolving around you. he was just a useless star that couldn’t help but be attracted and circle around you, the sun, that gave warmth to everyone else.

“hi.” you whispered back, your hands fumbling in your lap, as if you didn’t know what to do with them. “how are you feeling?” your voice had a tenderness that alhaitham knew he didn’t deserve coming from you. he’d never deserve your love or your kindness, something so pure and beautiful, even though you might think otherwise.

he tried to chuckle, trying to ease the worry in your brow. “i’ve seen better days.” as much as he wanted to ask why and how you were there, alhaitham wasn’t brave enough to break the blissful bubble you both were in. he was afraid that his words would turn a switch inside you, that you would graze your eyes upon him with the same rage it was filled in the last time he saw you, that your fists would shake and your lip tremble with unshed tears — the love struck and kind look your eyes had was so much better than the fresh of you in his mind.

“i can imagine.” tentatively, you cupped his bruised cheek, fingers gently caressing his skin. he leaned into your touch, a relieved sigh leaving his lips at your display of affection — he was undeserving yes, but alhaitham was selfish and arrogant, and he would never back away from it. yet, the shadow of what happened and the questions from both of your hearts hovered above your forms. “i…” you seemed braver than him, trying to get the acknowledged that would soothe or break your heart even more, but alhaitham couldn’t let you be the one to start — he cut you by trying to get up, indulging your smaller hand on his, the bandages preventing your skin to touch, much to his chagrin.

“let me speak first, y/n. i was the one at fault in the first place.” he watched as you nodded, body coming closer to him, your smell clouding his senses and the only thought in his head was kissing your lips until they were red and raw, seeing you beneath him with red cheeks and disheveled hair. “i know you do not believe me, but i was protecting you when giving information about your troupe to your father.” at the mention of the grand sage, your face became sour — though now more hurt than angered, and alhaitham knew such a change of feeling was good. “you were going to be exiled to the desert, my love.” the term of endearment didn’t go unnoticed by you, your cheeks becoming hot at the possessive form before it.

you were his.

“i was desperate. i had only found you after being an incognito in my life for almost ten years.” his grip on your hand tightened, and alhaitham sighed. “i’m not asking you to forgive me so easily, but do not look at me with that rage again.” he pleaded, bringing your hand to his mouth and kissing your knuckles, his warm lips caressing your skin as if he was worshiping a goddess. “my heart is yours to do whatever you want, and i will endure it, but don’t deny me seeing the love in your eyes be corrupted by such a horrible feeling.”

alhaitham closed his eyes, taking your hand to rest over his chest, ready for your rejection.

“why did you accept this mission?” your voice was quiet, and your words totally different from what his mind told him what they were going to be. “i thought… i thought you had only used me, alhaitham.” your reveal wasn’t a total surprise for him, because he knew his actions were misleading.

“i guess i just wanted to forget what i made you feel.” he admitted, arms coming to wrap around you and bring your body to rest on his chest. it hurt, because his wounds were still fresh, but that was where you belonged. you fitted perfectly between his arms, your face hid in the warmth of his neck and his head resting above yours, your bodies almost melting into each other and becoming one.

his arms tightened around your form when he felt your body shake and his neck wet by your tears. he didn’t try to pry, though his heart ached with your quiet sobs, but he knew you would talk when you were ready — the only thing he could offer now was physical comfort, and even though alhaitham thought he was the worst person to give any kind of comfort, but it was you. you always made his best traits to shine, and the worst ones to become less bad.

after some time, your sobs quieted down and your body stopped to shake, and your voice filled his ears. “you really hurt me, alhaitham.” you were using a scolding tone, as if he had done something bad but something redeemable. “i’ve been in love with you since we were children, and you doing that…”

“you were in love with me since we were children?” his shocked voice made you giggle, your body adjusting so you were straddling him, hands cupping his cheeks and noses touching. alhaitham’s cheek were tinted with red, a sight that you never saw before but something so mesmerizing that you wanted it belonged to eternity — his eyes were lidded, pupils wide with a mix of love and lust, his hand gripping your hips to bring you even closer to you.

another giggle left your lips when he kissed a spot near your lips. “for being the akademiya’s scribe, you’re a bit stupid, my beloved.” you managed to say before his lips were attacking yours, in a kiss that — even though it was delayed for ten years — was the testimony of his endless love for you.

#alhaitham x reader #alhaitham fluff #alhaitham angst #alhaitham #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin angst #genshin fluff

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cryptotheism · 1 year

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here this explains it better than my last anon https://princessnijireiki.tumblr.com/post/685619095309303808/what-happened-w-the-staff-wrt-scortched-earth

Okay let's break this down this posts and its claims. I'm gonna preface this by saying that I'm only going off what this post is providing, and interpreting it personally. None of this is meant to be some sort of objective fact.

1) being a fan of Harry Potter does not make someone a TERF.

2) Ship art does not make someone a TERF. This is irrelevant information. Enjoying an anime, even a questionable one, does not make someone a TERF.

3) Accusations of ship art with preschoolers is a HUGE accusation, backed up with no links, no evidence. The onus of proof is on the accuser, and I think it's reasonable for me to not go scouring this staff members blog to confirm or deny a single users unsupported claims of problematic ship art that has nothing to do with the core accusation of terfdom.

1) entirely secondhand hearsay. One person claiming to see something is not evidence. Random people can claim whatever they want.

2) who fucking cares if staff engages in fandom circles. That's not relevant to any of the accusations.

Again. Nothing to do with terfdom. So far this entire argument hinges on the claim that this staff member liking Harry Potter is conclusive proof that they're a TERF, which it is not. Is liking Harry Potter cringe? Yes absolutely. Does it mean you're a TERF? No.

Tumblr has a small moderation team. As someone who has personally had my blog banned and then subsequently gone through the appeals process, it is clearly an imperfect system that begets slow responses and lackluster mass action. There are reasonable reasons that staff response on even infamous blogs could be lackluster, especially when compared to direct and personal accusations of interacting with pedophilic material.

As a transfem person who has personally been the target of bad-faith pedophilia accusations from actual neo-nazis in the past. I cannot stress how deeply and powerfully irresponsible it is to make an accusation like this without thorough sourcing.

TERFs are banned all the time. Y'all just don't keep up with TERF circles because you're reasonable people. The idea that staff doesn't ban TERFs is untrue.

The only actual data point this entire post has is "a staff member was possibly into Harry Potter, and then reacted dramatically when people implied they were a pedophile." And that is FAR from conclusive proof that someone is a TERF.

I am saying this as a transfem person who has actively been targeted by TERFs, this is conspiracy thought, and you're not actually helping trans people by harassing a staff member with unsourced claims about their potentially cringeworthy media choices. Because let me be crystal fucking clear here: yes liking Harry Potter is cringe. If I could turn every TERF on the planet into a non-terf who was overly-attatched to Harry Potter, I would do so in a fucking second. The two things are not comparable.

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aicosu · 8 months

Text

Guys, I hate to do this.

Any of you who know me in any circle know that I'm a very professional, very private lady who hates any sort of disc horse breeds that might give me a headache. But this one is important, and my goal here is the integrity and reputation of artists.

For my credentials: I have been a part of five zines in the past. Two I moderated, and one I ran, created, laid out, printed, and shipped in its entirety.

So anyway:

HELLCHEER ZINE BULLSHIT

I joined Hellcheer and the Kindred Freaks Zine very late. Well, after sign ups, check-ins, etc. I saw it was happening in april-ish and shot a DM to the twitter to join. I did both a full art page and a cosplay page.

At the time, the server was quiet but kind. We got updates on the number of orders and books being made.

@Lawless is the runner of the Zine. They created and organized it. They are in charge of the main emails, the selling website, the orders, the shipping, and the funds. (To be clear, this level of sole responsibility is not ABNORMAL in a zine. And is not always an issue.)

@Valerie is the 'social media' mod. They are in charge of managing announcements and answering questions on Twitter and Tumblr. Please keep in mind: No one wants anything but a fast and easy recovery for both Lawless and their mother. Medical emergencies, heck—LIFE happens. It's always okay to put a hiatus on anything, even product with money, in order to take care of yourself and family. Every single contributor only wants them to be clear in what they need and how we can help.

So lets break down what's happening.

Back in May, Lawless went radio silent on the status of books and merch coming in. Another contributor and I, @Toguchin, start dming Lawless to make sure everything is on track. They come back after a week and apologize for being MIA, explaining that their mom got sick. We thank them for all their hard work and wish them and their mom well.

On July 15th, after contributors and customers inquire on delays to meeting the announced shipping deadline, Lawless makes a twitter post saying shipping has started and contributor copies will be happening. They proceeded to go MIA from the server discord and have been since.

The following week, contributors and customers discover that shipping HAS NOT started. Labels have been created and printed, but nothing appears to be in transit at all.

Toguchin and I started getting reached out to by customers worrying their packages are lost. We report this to the zine server to NO RESPONSE. Except @Ashlee, the discord mod who also has heard nothing.

July 20th to 22nd with customers complaining and theorizing a scam in mind; Toguchin and I propose that PDFs be given out to assure and apologize for delays.

We as a server discover a few things: 1. We cannot access the list of buyers at all in order to email apology zines because Lawless did not share the account information with anyone. 2. We cannot access the main email for the same reason. 3. Valerie, the social media mod, deleted discord and distanced themselves from the Hellcheer fandom and has not been checking the Twitter or tumblr, or discord notifications since May.

Ashlee and Ichikun contact Valerie to sign on.

I made a new email and said fuck it, we need to do something to assuage fears, let them send receipts to honor their zines. Valerie didn't know what to post or say or how to answer everyone, so I gave them a copy paste.

Still no words from Lawless but hoping for the best knowing the have a medical emergency, Ashlee and I begin answering the new email for PDFs, but cant help people change addresses or give them any update!!!

Throughout the weeks mods and contributors ping Lawless constantly asking if they need any help! Any help at all, answering emails, changing order addresses, heck a few of us ask if we can pick up the books and packages and ship stuff for them so they can hands off the project and take care of their mom. No response.

We send message after message saying if Lawless can share picture proof, that would be great cause scam theories and chargebacks are starting. BUT ALSO, we let Lawless know we and customers will ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND delays if they just communicate it. That if they post in server and on Twitter that shipping needs to wait a month or two, no one will mind. No responses.

July 31, Lawless makes a Twitter update with comments disabled that they are shipping ALL packages that monday with a picture of packages. They also call Valerie privately and tell the issue that USPS refuses to pick up shipments from Lawless has, and they can't leave their mothers side from the post office. They also claim they can only deliver ten packages at a time at the post when they go. *USPS has no such rules. Me and other mutuals who run shops have never had such a problem.

A week later, we realize that customers and our packages are still not in transit. Labels printed only. Most of us assume all packages are just label printed and sitting at Lawless' house.

We beg for updates from Valerie or Lawless. Valerie doubles down on Lawless old reasonings and also officially goes MIA until present day.

Throughout August, USA packages get delivered. A few more updates are made straight to Twitter and Tumblr with comments off. Radio silence in server.

As packages arrive, we all become aware from people's posts and pictures that random Stranger Things Art Stickers are included. No credit to any artist is given? No contributor is responsible for this art. These are suspected to be BOUGHT from Amazon. STOLEN arts amazon sellers resell in packs. NO contributor is okay with this!!! Valerie responds with no response at all.

As of now:

No response to missing digital copies. Ashlee and I cannot give out any without receipts because we have no access to buyers list. Nor can we answer missing packages inquiries cause we have no info. International packages unaccounted for. SCRUNCHIES FREE OR OTHERWISE UNACCOUNTED FOR. Zero word on contributor copies. Zero word on donation status. Zero word on generated profit or book and shipping cost. No way to verify funds at all. No word from Lawless to contributors since July 15. From Valerie since the 31st.

Some notes:

Turning off twitter comments was NEVER what any one of us wanted. A ZINE LAYOUT was never shared. So until people had them in hand or in PDF none of us realized that the credits DO NOT POINT TO ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. All of our usernames are handle-less? This was extremely disappointing. This one matters to me: Our FanEdit artist was not aware their work was not getting a full page. Again no pre-layout was shared. So their work is tiny and in the margins of the front and back. That's not okay. All of us wanted to help in any way we could. NONE of us doubt Lawless intentions or emergencies. But lying, misleading, non-communicating and turning off comments are all things we did not consent to. All of us only wanted a cordial, honest response. None of us actually cared about delays as much as we did communications. There has been many noticeable times Lawless has been online, posting privately or otherwise, even active on Discord and has not reached out.

Why make a post:

Customers should know contributors fought for them. That we did everything we could and our reputation as artists in the fandom shouldn't be tarnished cause two creators decided to disappear. Contributors should get their copies. Many of us BOUGHT bundles. I've been in five zines and every single one gave out free contributor copies WITH merch!!

I'm also attaching all server screenshots for integrity. I'm in half a mind to release the zine PDF publicly, for free, for everyone at this point. I personally think it's only fair since many are still missing just that. But I do not want to insult anyone who paid for just the PDF regardless of the potential contribution to charity. But it's really up to customers, not me.

#hellcheer #hellcheer zine #kindred freaks #fucking sucky ass post to make

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utilitycaster · 2 months

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@notstinglesstoo replied to your post “The thing is, and I haven't gotten a chance to...”:

I saw someone not long ago say cr has always felt like a product to them vs D20 feeling organic and I protected my peace but I did want to ask them if they were brain dead

Oh man I wanted to address this at length because I feel this. My posts have been centered, again, specifically on published journalists picking Daggerheart aprt critically and applauding themselves for doing so despite it being within a couple of hours of its release and therefore any analysis is necessarily going to be based on at best, a skim, when they just as frequently will claim D20 seasons/Kollok are flawless works of genius based on only a partial read, but man D20's got a fandom problem too. (and all of the following comes with the caveat of "I really enjoy D20, and Dropout, and while we're at it WBN and NADDPod which both are half D20 Intrepid Heroes cast, and think Brennan is a particularly brilliant GM, and also it's obvious that the D20 and CR casts are on great terms, and wish the fandom for D20 were more welcoming and enjoyable because I feel it wasn't like this when I first started watching, as a CR fan, in late 2019 and has since curdled into something really weird and bad.")

The first point is the obvious one: technically speaking these are both products. These are performers doing an art form; it is also a portion of how they make their money with which they can buy goods and services. Believing that art is inauthentic when the artist gets paid and acknowledges that is a thing that happens is a fucking libertarian position at best. Like cool, you think only people who are independently wealthy by other means can make art, because it's not real labor, my kid could paint that, etc etc.

The second point is also pretty obvious. I have pushed back pretty hard on the "uwu CR is just watching friends! it's like we're in their living room" mentality among the fandom, which has decreased, thankfully, but like...it did in fact start organically as a private home game, and they decided, when invited, to make it A Show For An Audience. D20 was created on purpose as a show for an audience. This doesn't make it bad or fake - reread the previous paragraph - but in terms of "this is an group of people who really played D&D in this world together even before the cameras were rolling," Critical Role literally is that, and D20 is not.

I think beyond that...my biggest issues with the D20 fandom are first, the level of discourse is abominable. The tag is almost always just shrieking praise and the most surface-level readings possible. I keep bringing up the "Capitalism is the BBEG" mug but it genuinely sums up so much of how I feel; people who want their existing beliefs fed to them as surface-level no-nuance takes. I mean capitalism is fucking terrible but I do not need every work I watch to have a character turn to the camera and say "capitalism is bad" to enjoy myself, and indeed it makes it harder due to the lack of subtlety and grace. For all D20 fans complain about how unhealthily parasocial CR fans can be (and some can be), I find that a lot of the most unhealthily parasocial "how dare they BETRAY my TRUST by having a ship I don't like or not speaking up about every single societal ill" ex-CR fans move over to D20 and then pull the exact same shit; it simply doesn't get called out. Every time D20 fans are like "we don't want to become the CR fandom" it's like "your toxic positivity and unhealthy parasocial behavior exceeds the HEIGHT of what I've seen in CR; the main difference is that CR started in 2015 when D&D was still shaking off the raging bigot dudebros and so in the early days it acquired more of those fans, whereas by the time D20 came around the landscape of who played D&D and watched Actual Play had shifted wildly, and you need to judge September 2018 D20 fans in parallel to September 2018 CR fans, not September 2015 CR fans."

I also feel, and I alluded to this in the post about journalism, and other people have said this better than I have, but the pedestal people have put D20 on does feel like a single...not even misstep, but just, difficult choice that doesn't capitulate to the loudest fans will bring a good chunk of that fandom crashing to the ground. And that includes the journalists. For all the fans of CR can still be obsessed with the cast to an unhealthy degree? The cast and company have put up pretty strong boundaries and have not budged. D20 hasn't, and I think the second they do - and I think it will be for their benefit as a company and a channel - a big chunk of their most vitriolic CR-hating portion of the fandom will viciously turn on them.

#notstinglesstoo #nonrebloggable bc god it's hell week for me i know i've been shooting off opinions bc that is how i blow off steam #but like. i can't have this break containment i got shit to do

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1800pain · 9 months

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PRIVATE SYSTEM SERVER.

Hello. As a show of my ability, I have created a private system server template for you to use. While "private" is in the name, I have included two access roles (Friend and Trusted Friend)—however I have not done any permissions for them. There is a Bot role that has permissions for them, like access to the System Setup category.

And, like the last template, only traumagenic systems can interact with this blog and use my templates. Endogenic systems and their supporters get blocked.

Note that not every single channel is in this gif, just the ones I deemed the most important to show.

Use the template here, however do note that the announcement channel and all of the forums channels will not copy over, and you will have to add them yourself: Private System Server Template

I am okay with you editing my template for your own use. Do not redistribute as your own.

If you need any help, you can leave an ask in my inbox.

Explanations for channels under the cut. LONG, BUT PRETTY DAMN IMPORTANT TO READ.

All forum channels are marked with a speech bubble emoji 💬 in front of them; those are channels that you will miss. The single announcement channel that also will be missing is marked with a mega emoji 📢.

#welcome - When someone joins the server, they will not see any channels, and you must give them a role so they can access this the server. You can see their welcome message here so you know someone's joined.

📢 update-status-fronting - If a switch happens, you put up a DNI, or want to otherwise warn people about your current state, you can update it here.

🔇 layout by 1 800 pain on tumblr - Feel free to delete this.

Text channels:

#bot - This is the only channel that has "Use application commands" permissions on it. If you would like to set it on other channels, you'd have to do it manually—or you can add it to the @everyone tag.

💬 dms - In the title, I put "[DM/GC] Channel name" under the post, then write the participants. I have a tag system for this channel (see below).

💬 thoughts - Headmates' thinking time. I also have a tag system for this channel (see below).

💬 mailbox - Essentially, I create a channel with a headmate's name and there are two tags: Read and Unread. Read means they've read the messages people leave for them, and Unread means they have yet to read them. It's a simple way to communicate with headmates who are not fronting.

System Setup:

All servers here are unable to be chatted in; only any member with the Bot role can do that. I enjoy setting up my PluralKit work into a few separate categories:

#resources - Easy access to Simply Plural, Notion, Evernote, or various places I get PNGs to set up PluralKit profiles—things of that nature and related to it.

#pk-setup - For descriptions and things.

#pk-pfps (not in gif) - To add profile pictures and banners. I put it in its own space because it's a different type of spam, image-based spam, than pk-setup, which is mostly text-based spam.

#new-arrivals - For showing people who made their PluralKit account, mainly for documentation.

#pk-spam - Just general things that don't quite relate to the ones above; typically things like pk;r.

💬 image-resources - If you change your icons or banners a lot, this can help. I put icons/banners here with credits to the original artist, the original art, and the edited version we use in our profiles. It's tagged by Icon, Faceclaim, Banners, etc.

#pk-log (hidden, not in gif) - To store PluralKit messages. If you also would like, you can add a more general moderation bot (such as Carl-bot) to also store non-PK messages.

System-centric:

#to-do: Self-explanatory; got any plans? Put them here.

#sys-chat: More general system chatter.

#sys-work: Talk about... system work.

#headmate-observations: If you notice something about your headmate—such as a positive/negative trigger, a various quirk they have, or any idea how their role works—share it here.

💬 headspace: A headspace forum to talk about headspace. More information in the image below.

The collection of the channels that you will miss, check the images above for extended information:

📢 update-status-fronting (uncategorized)

💬 dms (in general category)

💬 thoughts (in general category)

💬 mailbox (in general category)

💬 image-resources (in System Setup category)

💬 headspace (in System-centric category)

#system discord #discord server #actually did #did #did osdd #did system #did/osdd #dissociative system #osddid #traumagenic system #pluralkit #server template #endos do not interact #endos dni #pro endos dni #⚠ FLASH LIGHT

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donnatroyyyy · 3 months

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A (very long) list of my (semi) unpopular DC opinions

The Batfam shouldn’t work together as a whole big group as vigilantes. Whenever that does happen it ends up being character suicide for AT LEAST two of them and also usually ends up minimizing all of them to one of the skills/traits they’re good at (or the archetypes the writer wants them to be). The only exception to this is if it’s a long arc covering an actual catastrophe where each issue covers a duo or trio within the big group. Otherwise they should stick to no more than 4 ppl at a time in a team up. Also, this obviously doesn’t apply to them as civilians, they’re literally family obviously they’re gonna hang out as a group.

The Teen Titans (2003) is the best writing but (one of the) worst teams. On the other hand the original Teen Titans run and NTT run are the best teams (imo) but have either really bad or really mediocre writing. We as a society need an OG TT or NTT run written well.

Roy struggling with a heroin addiction has so many more layers and nuances to it than struggling with alcohol because as a non-meta hero most of his fights were against something drug-related. As opposed to alcohol which is now seen as a normal thing for soldiers/heroes/warriors to fall on as a crutch, this medium uses alcohol addiction with every other character. Roy’s addiction to heroin would literally be an opposition to all that he’s ever stood and fought for, all that his family and friends ever fought and stood for, and way more interesting because of that.

Garth (like Donna) is one of the most powerful and interesting characters but is never given enough panel time. However, unlike Donna, writers would rather write him out of the teen titans before they actually write a good interpretation of him. And I don’t know why but his role in the Aquafam too has been dwindling with time.

Garth’s openness about his inferiority complex and his inferiority complex in general need more panel time, it’s one of the most interesting thing to come out of the OG TT run

This is a complicated take because it’s literally two opposites in one take, but the main difference in characters as seen in old comics vs. now is two things. One, the writing of characters was much better, much more realistic, and much more nuanced in old comics. Two, when there is a well-written character in modern comics its usually a more show not tell character so everything is shown to us through actions and stuff rather than straight up words or them psychoanalyzing themselves in their speech bubbles and that just doesn’t work with modern audiences because media literacy is a dying art. Also, there’s the variable of the influence of fanon over how characters are written in comics but that’s a whole other post.

Roy and Donna are literally THE OTP like I don’t even want to hear it, they’re literally DC’s percabeth.

Every single Teen Titan had an inferiority complex, some were just easier to see.

Selina and Bruce and Talia and Bruce are two very different relationships that can’t be compared. Also they will always live side by side till the end of comics, this love triangle was one meant to last, and it will.

Jason Todd as we know him right now should get the YJ Roy Harper treatment, we need to find out that he’s a clone and the real JT is somewhere in Africa working for UNICEF or something, that’s the only way to fix his character.

Also, ignoring the top one, if DC doesn’t want to commit to that because they’re cowards, they should at least not make him a part of the Batfam yet, it’s too soon for either side.

Kara Zor El is the perfect character to be a white lantern, her arc literally matches up perfectly with each of the rings, and she’d wield it incredibly

Kyle Rayner is top 3 GLs

In my opinion, Diana is best written when the most important thing to her in the world is the world itself. Like, usually I hate the whole “hero would sacrifice u, villain would sacrifice the world” thing cuz it mostly doesn’t really apply, but to her it absolutely does. Diana would sacrifice the closest person to her for the world in an instant if it was for the sake of the world. And this isn’t like an angst thing because they all know it and are all ok with it.

Also, Diana is one of the most if not the most powerful characters in all of DC, if DC did a Deadpool kills the marvel universe kind of thing they should totally use her because she is sooo powerful. (Afterthought: that’s why I hate most of her appearances in anything JL because they underpower her soooo bad)

I say this as a batfamily Stan, the batfamily is the worst family in all of DC and sadly the one that gets the most attention.

The OG TT are the epitome of superheroes in the sense that each and every one of them defines every part of a superhero spectacularly and always has.

Kory needs an arc where she leaves everyone and everything for a while because as of right now, not only do the writers only ever see her in relation to others, but she sees herself that way. She needs an arc where she finds herself in relation to herself, who SHE is. Away from the love triangle, and the titans, and the Titans, etc.

Babs is a better character outside of the love triangle than she is when she’s in it. (Also a better character as Oracle but that only really unpopular amongst writers)

Every single woman character in DC is written in relation to the men in the comics, even WW. The only exception is Oracle, not Babs, but Oracle, which is actually so twisted considering that the creation of Oracle as a character came hand in hand with an event that literally inspired the cloning of the phrase “fridging”

BOP is one of the best teams

Harley Quinn shouldn’t be a hero yet, she was abused for over a decade, we need to see more of her struggle to undo all of the manipulation and heal from the abuse as well as try to undo all the damage she’s done. The Animated Series is the best version of her arc but it’s still not good either.

We as a fandom(s) need to normalize the ability to consume and enjoy things we don’t necessarily agree with. For example, as I’ve stated before multiple times, I absolutely hate any kind of abusive Bruce, however, I still read those long posts about it and I still read fics where dck punches him cuz he’s an abusive asshole, it’s okay to consume media that you don’t necessarily agree with. And same with fanon versions of characters, I HATE coffee-addict Tim, I’ve still enjoyed hundreds of fics with him in them though.

Damian Wayne is the most compassionate member of the batfam and one of the Keats likely ones to willingly kill

Blue devil and kid devil have arguably the most interesting story and tragedy in all of DC and the only reason they’re not given a lot of attention is because their tragedies have to do with something we don’t like to see: the wrongdoings and flaws of heroes, especially ones we like.

Speed Saunders should’ve continued as a character

Hal Jordan should’ve stayed evil for a while, the end of the parallax arc sucks and is a stupid cop out because they weren’t ready for a fully new GL. I don’t think he should’ve stayed the villain forever, but maybe for a few years, especially if that meant they would’ve ended the arc better.

Mera is more powerful than Arthur, always has been and always will be.

Wally West does see Barry Allen as a father figure and vice versa, it’s okay to see someone as a parental figure when you still have parents, especially when your parents are (canonically) borderline emotionally abusive and/or neglectful.

Any iteration of ANY hero being abusive is the worst writing ever because what the actual fuck, I’m sorry, but what happened to the whole they’re literally fucking heroes part??

There are so many characters that deserve solo series (or even mini series) but don’t get them because all the series are already being taken up by bigger characters (looking at you batfam)

So many characters get mischaracterized for the sake of other character’s stories (again, looking at you batfam)

Anyone who thinks Superman is boring either doesn’t understand him as a character or hasn’t read enough stuff with him in it (I recommend All-Star Superman and/or American Alien)

Anyone who relates to the Joker needs to turn themselves in at the nearest police station. (Unless it’s LEGO Joker, we like him)

The LEGO Batman movie is unironically some of the best DC media to ever exist

Atlantis and Paradise Island should be allies (especially once Diana, Arthur, and Mera come into the picture), I don’t know why they’re not

Lex Luthor is one of the most despicable villains because he’s a realistic villain, which is much scarier

Kon should be the next Superman

Connor Hawke should’ve stayed Tim’s age and Tim’s friend, it makes the most sense timeline-wise plus I think their dynamic was super cute.

Comic writers not making Roy openly refer to Ollie as his dad even though they’ve been father and son since they’ve debuted basically is actually so crazy to me

These next few are about Talia Al-Ghul because I love that woman:

Talia Al-Ghul Pre-Morrison was one of the best and most interesting characters in all of DC and that isn’t just my opinion, she was really popular amongst fans and writers for that exact reason

However, Morrison’s damage to her is near irreparable

BUT, if DC did want to repair it, I genuinely believe she’d be the best character they’d have character-wise and it would probably pull in a bunch of new fans

But even if they don’t, Talia Al-Ghul is one of the most important characters in all of DC and comics in general because she’s literally the documented history of WOC in media (especially Arab and Asian women) as well as their relation to white men in media. Her character and how it changes is directly tied to mainstream views on WOC at the time.

Talia Al-Ghul is literally of “I Bet On Losing Dogs” by Mitski, personified

Dinah Lance is the perfect example of a complex character done right and interpreted wrong/not interpreted enough.

If anyone should be the therapist within the hero community it should be J’onn or Red tornado, those are the two that make the most sense.

Helena Bertinelli is more important to the batfam than Jason Todd is.

Cassandra Cain shouldn’t be portrayed as mute anymore, it doesn’t make sense for her character or her arc.

The worst thing to happen to Poison Ivy’s character is Harley Quinn.

Mera is made to be a mother, whether to her own kids (Garth included) or as a mother figure to other kids.

On the other hand, Stephanie Brown wasn’t ready and doesn’t/didn’t want to be a mother, she gave up her baby willingly and will almost 100% not go out to look for her.

Lady Shiva’s appearances 99% of the time are out of character for her, the whole “training with Shiva” thing is also OOC for her, and Cass even existing is OOC for her. The reason that this continues though is because she’s been transformed from an actual character into a character tool.

Stephanie Brown and Cassanadra Cain are a good duo and anyone who hates on one but likes the other misunderstood both of their characters.

Dick hating Jason for what he did to Tim IS in character of him, and, in my opinion, correct of him

The rise in people who don’t like heroes’s pacifism is concerning. People calling Bruce a bad person because he doesn’t kill is concerning. People viewing Clark as boring because he’s a good person is concerning. People liking straight up villains more than they do heroes is concerning.

Anyone who recommends mister miracle should also tell them about the TW in the first few pages

Kingdom come isn’t that good, especially to non-Christians

Big Barda needs her own run. We need a Bug Barda run that covers everything from her origins to where she is now, and we need it done by a female writer who’s good at complex and heavy stories

Some of the most hated comic writers are some of the best at what they do

Chuck Dixon is just as much a blessing to any character he writes as he is a curse

Marvel’s comic writers and artists 80% of the town do a better job with their characters and their arcs than DC writers and artists.

DC should have sensitivity readers because the amount of racism in these comics is insane

It’s okay to put down a comic/run because you don’t like the art, it’s your time no one’s gonna judge you

Alex Ross’s art is actually nice, people just like hating

The Trinity should never be shipped with one another

Steve isn’t important to Diana at all, he’s barely in any of her comics actually, he’s less important to her (or at least to her character) than fucking swamp thing

Batfam is better smaller

It’s better to read the first appearances of characters, it helps you understand them better.

Lois Lane is the DC version of Susan Storm, aka the blueprint of women in that company’s comics, but also one of the most forgotten women in that company’s comics

Comics aren’t going to go anywhere arcwise for the characters long term, that’s the whole point. Batman will always have a robin. Love triangles will always be love triangles. They will all always stay young.

Old campy comics were better than modern comics.

Cheshire isn’t a redeemable character and shouldn’t be one. Women in comics should be allowed to be straight up villains and stay that way.

Cheshire having Lian is OOC. Cheshire leaving Lian is a racist trope.

Asian and Arabs are treated horribly by DC.

The New 52 is actually a good place to start for new readers, it was a good idea, but it should’ve just been an alternate universe (like mcu is to 616 kind of) or something (and it should’ve been down with the supervision of anyone who isn’t Dan didio)

DC has some of the best world building in the history of modern day media/literature especially considering how many facets of this world there were/are to build

Team rosters that are constantly changing are better than stationary ones unless they change too much/too fast

Canon is hypocritical 90% of the time, most times canon clashes and crashes and doesn’t make sense, so don’t worry about it, read a comic, count what you want to be canon as canon, throw the rest into to the “never existed” pile

I’m sorry to tell you guys this, but it isn’t an opinion, it’s an unpopular canon fact, one that even I don’t like: Dick Grayson likes pineapple one pizza

Something that I hate that been on the rise a lot lately is the fact that the fandom is so okay with character being sexualized just because they like how the characters look, I feel like we should keep our stances on this as they are with all over-sexualized characters.

Villains of the week are actually so fun, even more then the big villains sometimes.

JSA needs a comeback please and thank you (I’m begging atp)

Cassandra Cain shouldn’t be Orphan, ever, it makes no sense for her to take the name of her abused. The same way it doesn’t make sense for Jason to become red hood.

Complex characters who are dumbed down once can be dumbed down and mischaracterized every time after that, and this has been done A LOT.

The YJ shows is very much overhyped

The fact that DC overpowers their characters makes them more interesting, not less

Selina was right and in character when she left Bruce at the alter. She was not right and in character when she hid Helena from him, she wouldn’t do that.

Bruce Wayne is more fun to read when he has a pipe and fun colored robes, please give him back his pipe and his fun colored robes.

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