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haikyuucute · 4 years

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Untamable (Ushijima Wakatoshi) [Omegaverse AU]

Pairing: Alpha!Ushijima x omega!reader

Summary: You seemed like an untamable omega to Ushijima

Warnings: Sexual themes, implied smut

Word Count: 5.6k

[A/N]: So I’ve been rlly iffy about posting this bcuz I know that this au isn’t everyone’s favorite. But I rlly like this au and I have fun writing for it, so I figured if someone doesn’t like it then they can scroll past it or blacklist the tag ‘omegaverse’ anyway, so I decided to go ahead and post this

Ushijima Wakatoshi liked order and he liked things that made sense. He was a simple man and he would call it like he’d see it.

And what made sense to him was the dynamic system. Alphas were placed at the top, then betas, then omegas.

He believed this was right because it was ingrained in everyone’s genetics to follow this order.

It was why Hinata Shouyou had affected him so deeply. He was small, his volleyball technique was a mess and yet he and Karasuno beat Shiratorizawa.

Ushijima considered himself to be a very strong alpha— possibly the strongest in Shiratorizawa. His presence commanded every area he was in and omegas would fall silent at his scent, waiting for him to speak first. He had even been dubbed the alpha of alphas in school.

So it didn’t make sense for Hinata to have so much baseless confidence. It annoyed him and got under his skin to the point he thought about it quite often and how he could win next time.

Another thing that got under his skin was the little omega he shared a couple classes with— only she annoyed him far more than Hinata did.

Because while the little orange haired boy was a weak alpha, he was still just that. An alpha.

And yet, you walked around with the confidence of an alpha.

You were definitely the outcast, most omegas found you annoying and most alphas didn’t like to bother with an omega that didn’t know their place. Your scent wasn’t sweet and delicate like an omega’s either, it was tangy and citrusy (not at all a bad smell, even Ushijima would admit it was nice, just not that of an omegas). And worst of all, if you stepped out of line and an alpha tried to put you back in your place, you’d stick up your nose, turn the other way around, and continue with what you were doing in the first place.

This behavior always sat wrong with him but he never had to come into close contact with you, he’d just catch instances of this in class or in the hallways. Always hating the way you demanded to be seen.

And Ushijima knew he wasn’t in the wrong because everyone had found you strange. You didn’t even have any friends until your third year of high school when you shared your first class with the renowned Guess Monster.

Tendou, Ushijima, and you all shared a science class your third year, and though Ushijima had prior knowledge of you, it was the first time Tendou ever really noticed you.

And being dubbed a freak himself, Tendou immediately wanted to befriend you and it was only a short while after that he noticed how much you got under Ushijima’s skin.

So as a fellow freak and probably the only person other than Hinata that could get a rise out of the usually stoic alpha— well, Tendou just had to become your best friend.

Thus it began.

Tendou inviting you to work on group projects with him and Ushijima.

Tendou then inviting you to watch practices.

Tendou invited you to games.

And worst of all— Tendou invited you to hang out in his and Ushijima’s dorm.

And you quickly became someone Ushijima had to endure all day, every day.

You knew right from the beginning when you started hanging out with Tendou that the great Ushiwaka didn’t want anything to do with you. If you tried to talk to him he’d answer with four words at most or blatantly ignore you all together (then again he did that with everyone, but with you it just somehow felt different). And that was because although he was a strong alpha, he had better things to do than put an omega back in their place.

So he put up with you for days— weeks— months— until suddenly he couldn’t.

In what Tendou liked to call the “staring contest of the year” you had outwardly challenged Ushijima. But!— in your defense it was on an outrageously ridiculous subject that you believed you had the right to believe and that Ushijima should’ve respected that regardless of his own biases.

It was an argument that took place in their dorm while the two of them were there. You had casually walked in, an agitated look on your face, exclaiming:

”I hate alphas!” You yelled, pushing their door open. You ignored Ushijima who sent you a slightly irritated glance from where he was seated at his desk, reading a volleyball magazine or something, and went immediately over to the giggling Tendou.

He was up on his bed on the top bunk and you climbed the ladder, seating yourself next to where he was sprawled out, with a pout on your face.

”Should I be offended~” he laughed.

”You don’t count.”

”That’s more offensive than your last statement.”

You rolled your eyes, “Fine, you’re the exception— but alphas suck.”

He moved closer, throwing an arm around you with a large grin, “Did something happen? Do tell, (F/N)-chan~” he sang.

“Well... I may have gotten into another fight with an omega.”

”Ohoho~ did you win?”

”I guess. She pulled my hair so I punched her and... found out she has a mate.”

Tendou burst into another fit of laughter, and started poking your side, “Did you try fighting an alpha again?”

You swatted his hands away, “I just stood up for myself.”

”And how’d that go?”

”Stupid. He came up to me and did that dumb alpha thing where they stand up straighter and puff their chests out with the expectation that I’d be a cowering little omega in their presence,” you scoffed, “He told me that I shouldn’t step out of line and start fights with mated omegas, which is total bullshit because she pulled my hair first!” You yelled, falling back against his bed. “I hate alphas!”

“You punched his mate,” Ushijima who usually ignored you whenever you were over spoke up for the first time.

You furrowed your eyebrows, propping yourself up on your elbows, “Yeah, cause she pulled my hair.”

”She was wrong too.”

You scoffed, “So what? The alpha was in the right?”

”You punched his mate, he was protecting her.”

You shot up and glared at Ushijima who was still reading his magazine. ”Well I was protecting myself.” You practically hissed out.

Ushijima finally stopped what he was doing and turned around to stare up at you from where you were seated on Tendou’s bed.

Tendou’s eyes flitted back and forth between the two of you, seeing how pissed off you were, and at how Ushijima was taken aback at the tone you used with him, and Tendou’s grin slowly widened.

”You speak as if you’re an alpha,” Ushijima said, eyebrows slightly furrowed.

”I speak like an omega who’s fed up with alphas,” you spat back.

Ushijima slowly stood up and you could smell his scent had changed. It was stronger and more powerful— definitely covering up yours and some of Tendou’s scent. And you could pretty much smell how annoyed and pissed he was with you.

And as a result you felt the omega in you want to apologize and take everything back, bowing your head down, too weak to make eye contact. It was a feeling you had become quite accustomed to with how often alphas did this to you, and you became quite good at ignoring those instincts.

But Ushijima was stronger than all those alphas, and Tendou watched in awe as the most strong willed omega he’s ever met started to shrink in her seat, eyes glued to her lap.

Ushijima stood in front of you, and due to his height he was nearly eye level with you despite you sitting up on the top bunk.

“You’re careless,” He spoke lowly, as blunt as ever, “You speak the first thing that comes to mind with no regard if you offend someone, and you’re surprised when an alpha tries to put you back in your place. You’re an omega.” His voice loud and firm, “Power does not lean in your favor. Learn your place.”

You bit down on your lip hard, finding it difficult to meet his eyes but with everything you had in you, you forced yourself up straight and looked him dead in the eye.

Tendou’s eyes widened at your display but he kept quiet, glancing at how the usually stoic Ushijima looked slightly thrown off guard.

“I will never settle for being submissive,” you spoke slowly, never breaking your eye contact, “And I will never stop striving for independence. You like this power system because it’s all you’ve ever known— I’ll show you that you’re wrong and I’ll do whatever it takes.”

From there the two of you stared at each other for what felt like forever, Tendou holding his breath to see who would give in first. Until it was finally time to go to volleyball practice and Ushijima was forced to look away, making you smile triumphantly.

And so it began. The start of an overly exhausting plan that you were committed to executing.

And if Ushijima thought you were a nuisance before it was nothing compared to now.

A few days after the incident you acted as if it never happened, putting on a cheery and energetic façade. And you actually spoke to him in that same friendly manner you spoke to Tendou and others on the team.

He soon realized there would be no end to your chatter. You’d go on and on about your day, shows and movies you liked, hobbies that you were into, and you’d ask him tons and tons of questions that he’d just ignore but you wouldn’t shut up, forcing him to answer your questions— you even started calling him Waka-kun while you remained (L/N)-san.

But you didn’t care. You vowed that you’d force your way into his heart until he finally saw you as an equal instead of an overly obnoxious omega.

It took months but somehow, by some kind of miracle, Ushijima came to the conclusion... you actually weren’t that bad.

Of course you were still loud, kind of annoying, and spoke out of turn most of the time. But he guessed that some of your better qualities started sticking out the more you hung around him.

For one, you were always happy.

Happiness wasn’t an emotion Ushijima felt often, he knew the feeling of victory when he defeated a difficult opponent in volleyball but that never lasted that long because, well— Ushijima always won...(for the most part). And he knew what it felt like to be satisfied and generally content.

But the happiness you exuded. This absolutely boundless amount of energy and cheerfulness you walked around with despite being put down by practically the entire student body, it made you slightly more admirable in his eyes.

And then he saw your loyalty and devotion towards the team and specifically Tendou. By definition, Tendou was technically your best friend and you made sure to prioritize him in your life because of how grateful you were to call him a friend, this meant inviting him out places and never turning down an invitation he made. You let him talk to you when he was down and comforted and supported him appropriately. And when it came to the team, you were kind of an honorary manager (you didn’t actually have the title because the coach would never trust an omega to do the job) but you gave them water bottles and towels during practice and made sure to attend all their games and cheer for them. So even the team who had been kind of cold to you in the beginning, ended up growing rather fond of you, and you were just as happy to consider them your friends.

But he supposed what stuck out to him the most was how determined you were to be more acquainted with him. You’d ask about his day, his childhood, volleyball, anything really. And you somehow had the ability to pull more than a couple words from his mouth as time went on.

And all from the shadows, the Guess Monster was watching. Observing how a very odd friendship grew between the two of you. And although Ushijima rarely let any emotion of any kind show, after three months Tendou made an educated guess.

Ushijima Wakatoshi was actually falling for you.

From a surface level no one could really tell, but Tendou started picking up on the way Ushijima’s scent would change whenever you were near, it’d grow softer, and slightly more non threatening than his usual scent. It was a small detail but spoke volumes. Other than that, he noticed more and more how he grew comfortable around you, letting you talk his ear off and he’d answer your questions with more than three words. But what gave it away for him was when he had stepped into one of your fights where an omega started yelling at you for acting too much like an alpha. It was the first time he had ever done it and although you told him you could fight your own battles, he doubted it would be the last fight Ushijima broke up for you.

With you it was actually harder to tell if you were starting to like Ushijima back, and this was based off of all your rants he’s heard about you never wanting to mate with an alpha and that you’d much rather mate with a beta. It was hard to picture you with an alpha and even harder to picture you with an alpha as strong as Ushijima.

But he, figured out that yes— you did reciprocate those feelings when he caught a certain sight.

You went out with Tendou and Ushijima one night and stayed up late, you were absolutely exhausted so Ushijima ended up giving you a piggyback ride back to your dorm. And that’s when Tendou noticed the way you nuzzled your face into his neck. He couldn’t tell if you were trying to scent yourself or if you just found his scent soothing enough to fall asleep to— but either way there were definitely mutual feelings there.

The only problem was that the two of you were too dense to acknowledge those feelings.

So as usual Tendou decided to take it upon himself to get the two of you closer.

He came up with a fairly simple but hopefully effective plan.

Not that long ago you came to Tendou and asked if he’d been willing to give you volleyball lessons every now and then after you came to really admire the sport after watching them play for so long. And he agreed of course.

So now it was just a matter of getting Ushijima to take his place—

“I won’t be able to make our volleyball lesson (F/N)-chan,” Tendou suddenly spoke up from where he laid on the floor.

He watched as your head poked over the top bunk where you lay, a pout on your face, “What? Why not?” You whined.

”I’ll be busy this weekend, but!” He suddenly exclaimed, looking over at Ushijima, “Maybe Wakatoshi-kun could take my place.”

”No,” came Ushijima’s answer, from where he sat on his bed.

Tendou frowned at how dense he could be.

You pouted further, “Waka-kun would be mean about it if he helped me anyway.”

”Don’t be silly—“

”I’m not! I can picture it now!” You suddenly made a very serious face, mimicking Ushijima’s, “(L/N)-chan you have awful technique. (L/N)-chan you understand nothing about volleyball. (L/N)-chan you suck.”

Tendou giggled at that, seeing your point, “You’d also be getting taught by a top player in the nation~” he sang.

You paused for a moment, thinking it over, “... We’d probably get in a fight though and I hate arguing with him.”

”You hate it because you lose,” Ushijima spoke up.

”Shut up!” You yelled, moving to hang over the edge of the bed to see him.

He glanced up at your upside down form, “l’m right.”

And since he was always painfully blunt and honest, you knew he actually was right, so you settled on pouting further.

”Y’know people would kill to have someone like Wakatoshi teach them volleyball,” Tendou said, continuing to convince you, “He’s the best of the best, don’t you want to be the best~”

”I’m not that passionate about volleyball,” you deadpanned.

He faltered, until a thought struck him, and he grinned, “Remember that time you tagged along with the team to the beach and we were short one person for volleyball and asked you to play?”

You glared darkly at him for reminding you about that humiliating incident— they were a powerhouse school after all, why the hell would they ask you to play when you had barely any experience. “Yes,” you muttered.

”Well what if Wakatoshi-kun taught you a few of his tricks and you got to show off next time we play together.”

He knew he had you when your eyes widened in realization.

You looked back down at Ushijima from where you hung upside down, “Waka-kun teach me volleyball.”

”No,” he replied, looking down at his homework.

”Please.”

”No.”

”Please.”

”No.”

”Please.”

”No.”

“Ugh— why notttt,” you whined.

”Because you don’t play volleyball.”

”Well I want to show off to the team the next time you guys force me to play.”

”You still wouldn’t be as good as them.”

You frowned, “I already know that, but you don’t always have to say the truth.”

Ushijima couldn’t help himself when he looked back up at you, something in your tone bothering him. And the pout and look in your eyes really bothered him for some reason. But he didn’t like being the cause of it and he really wanted to see it leave your face.

“Fine,” he gave in. He watched as your face instantly lit up, a smile gracing your features and it admittedly made him feel weirder than when you were upset.

You flipped off the top bunk to Ushijima’s bed and threw your arms around his shoulders in a hug, “Thank you Waka-kun~” you sang.

And Tendou grinned from ear to ear, watching as Ushijima’s face tinted the lightest of pinks.

——

“You’re late,” Ushijima grunted as he watched you burst through the gym doors, trying to catch your breath.

”I know!” You panted, “I got held up by a teacher.” You said, throwing your bag to the ground. You made your way over to Ushijima who was previously practicing by himself as he waited. “Now, you can’t be mean remember, this is just for fun. It’s not like I’m gonna be using this in any actual tournaments, this is just to shut the team up the next time they make fun of me for sucking at volleyball.”

He nodded and the two of you started.

You quickly figured out that playing volleyball with Ushijima was very different than when you’d play with Tendou. Tendou was always goofing around and joking with you but with Ushijima he was unsurprisingly very serious, so it was up to you to lighten the mood. But you had to admit he was a pretty good teacher and kept the rude comments to a minimum, which was a feat on its own because he very rarely censored himself and you knew you weren’t doing to well.

It was well into the hour when shit finally hit the fan.

Ushijima asked you to toss him the ball to demonstrate him hitting a spike. So you did and as usual because of his strong spikes, the ball ended up rolling off, landing by your bag on the other side of the gym.

You offered to go get it, and in hindsight you really wished you did. But Ushijima said it was fine and went off to grab the ball.

When he went to pick it up, he noticed the zipper of your bag was opened and something inside caught his eye. He glanced back at you to see you looking down at your phone, before he brought his attention back to the object and pulled it out. His eyebrows furrowed.

It was a pill bottle and the label told him they were heat suppressants. But that wasn’t what caught his eye.

The date said they were prescribed about a month ago and the bottle was already three quarters gone.

He stood up straight and turned, “What are these?” He called out to you, making you look up.

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Idiot, are you going through my bag? Put those back and get back over here.” You rolled your eyes.

He only listened to half of what you said as he held the bottle and walked back, “(L/N)-chan, what is this?”

You looked at him confusedly, “They’re heat suppressants or did you forget that I’m an omega and go through heats?”

”More than half of them are gone.”

You faltered, realizing he checked the date on them. But you played it cool and shrugged, “So?”

”It’s dangerous to have that many suppressants in a month.”

You rolled your eyes, “What? Are you suddenly an omega now? They’re my pills, I can use them how I want.”

You could see Ushijima getting frustrated now, “The side effects of this many can be harmful to your body.”

”I’m fine— I’m more than fine. I haven’t had to go through a heat in a while and I’ve been functioning just the same, only it’s better now because I don’t have to deal with heats.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, “What do you mean by ‘a while’?” He asked worried to hear just how long you were putting your body through this. Suppressants were meant to make heats easier, not stop them all together.

“Nothing, it really doesn’t matter,” you said in an attempt to brush it off.

”How long (L/N)-chan?”

You clenched your jaw, looking down at the ground, not answering.

”How long,” his voice became darker and firmer.

You hated it but when he used that tone, you found it difficult to deny, “A....a year.” You muttered.

Ushijima’s eyes widened in shock and horror, and it was probably the most emotion you’ve ever seen from him, “You missed four heats?”

”Well.... yeah.”

”You can’t do that to your body—“

”Why not?” You snapped, looking up at him, “It’s my body isn’t it? And my heats are my business. I’ve been completely fine up till now anyway.”

”What about your next heat? You have to have one eventually and if you’ve missed four, your next heat will be unbearable.”

”That’s only for some people,” you scoffed, “I could be completely fine.”

”And if you’re not? You don’t have a mate.”

”Why do you even care!” You huffed.

”Because—“ you’re my omega.

Ushijima completely stopped as the thought popped in his head. He was caught so off guard by that he forgot his argument.

But he did his best to compose himself before stating, “I’m keeping these.”

You scowled, “Like hell you are!” You yelled before leaping for the pill bottle, but he just held it over his head and out of your reach. You grabbed his arm and tried to pull it down but he would barely budge, “Ushijima this isn’t funny!” You yelled out in anger and slight panic.

He ignored the slight sting he felt at hearing his last name, but he didn’t give in, “This is for your own good.”

”Fuck my own good! I need those pills— I can’t go through another heat!”

”You’re an omega,” he snapped, “You can’t keep pretending you’re an alpha. Heats are necessary, learn your place already.”

And there were those words you absolutely despised, ‘learn your place’.

You blinked back the frustrated tears, “I’m leaving,” you scoffed. And with that you quickly ran out, grabbing your bag and leaving a very pissed off alpha behind you.

—

Tendou had no idea how things could get so screwed up the one time he got you two alone together.

You ended up avoiding Ushijima at all costs and Ushijima being who he was was definitely not going to approach you first when he believed he was right.

But Tendou could only handle so much of this stupid fight before trying to convince the two of you to make up.

But you said you’d only forgive him if he gave you your pills back and Ushijima said he wasn’t going to. So when Tendou got you to swear to Ushijima that you’d use them properly was he then able to sway Ushijima into giving them back.

So he did and you forgave him.

Of course there was still some resentment and animosity about the whole thing, but after a couple weeks things were back to normal more or less.

That was until that inevitable day approached.

You hadn’t come to class which wasn’t unusual because you liked to skip every once in a while, so Ushijima and Tendou didn’t think much of it at first.

That was until they overheard a conversation between two omegas not too far from them.

”The entire history hallway literally smells like omega.” The one girl complained.

”Really?” Her friend asked, “What happened.”

She shrugged, “Dunno. I think some omega went into heat, but my god is it strong. I think they locked themselves in a supply closet, there’s a group of as alphas just outside the door.”

”I feel kinda bad. We should tell someone to go help them. Do we know who the omega is?”

”Everyone’s pretty sure it’s (L/N) since the scent is pretty citrusy. Her roommate also told me she takes suppressants like they’re candy so it makes sense.”

Suddenly Ushijima had stood up. Tendou looked up at the alpha with a questioning gaze, but as he watched him just head straight for the door, a grin grew on his face as he knew where this was headed.

—

You were a mess as you hid away inside the supply closet. The heat had randomly hit you out of no where without a single warning. The most you were able to do was quickly lock yourself in the closet. And now you were left trembling in a curled up ball in the corner of the room.

You were hot everywhere and covered in a layer of sweat. Your chest rose and fell in breathy pants and the uncomfortable pool of wetness in your panties was getting really distracting.

And on top of all that, there was a group of alphas just outside calling out to you. You couldn’t make out what they were saying because of how overwhelmed you felt but their scents were definitely accelerating the heat.

And dread filled you at the thought of Ushijima being right. All four heats that you missed just hit you all at once.

This was the most helpless you’ve ever felt.

...Then you smelled it.

A scent far more overpowering than the alphas scents combined. And a scent you knew all to well. Heavy and woody— a scent that made your head spin and squeeze your legs together as a broken whimper left your throat.

The others had scattered in fear, soon leaving you alone with Ushijima Wakatoshi’s scent.

Ushijima walked in, easily breaking the lock. His gaze was intense as usual but there was also something else in his eyes as he found you curled up on the ground of the supply closet, in heat.

And even in the presence of an omega in a heat extreme as yours, Ushijima showed an incredible display over his instincts as he barely seemed bothered by it. The only thing that gave him away was how his breathing slowed, taking in deeper breaths as what was probably the prettiest and most mouth watering scent he ever smelled flooded his senses.

His presence commanded the area and the air reeked of his scent, and as tough as you were, even you fell weak to the presence of an alpha while in heat— and the so called alpha of alphas no less.

Your legs were squeezed tight as you buried your face in your knees, covering your nose from his scent.

”(L/N),” he said, voice deep and a touch of anger in it.

You whimpered, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to fall.

”Waka-kun,” your voice came out weak, broken, and muffled, it had even made Ushijima falter for a second, uneasy seeing you act so helpless. “I-I can’t— I can’t do this,” you shook your head, the tears running down your face now. “I-it’s barely even started and— and th-this feels worse than m-my worst heat.” You sniffled, body trembling and shaking now.

”I told you not to take those suppressants.”

A broken moan came out after hearing his rumbling voice and you squeezed your legs tighter— how embarrassing.

In truth, Ushijima greatly disliked seeing you like this, especially after developing such a fondness over the tough and fiery omega that used to drive him mad (and still does from time to time.) But there was still something he greatly enjoyed with seeing how submissive you were being in front of him— as long as he was the only one that got to see you like this. So what you said next, sparked something in him.

”D...do y-you know an a-alpha that... can help?” Your words were broken up with sobs and stifled moans.

And a strong sense of possessiveness washed over him at the thought of another alpha possibly aiding you through this heat.

”That won’t be necessary,” he spoke curtly, “Stand up,” he said, walking forward.

You clamped your hand tighter over your nose, suffocating on his scent, and you shook your head furiously, “I-I don’t know if I c-can—“

”Stand,” and there was no arguing with the Alpha tone in his voice, your body wouldn’t let you.

So on trembling knees you shakily stood up, holding your breath as you used the wall for support as you leaned against it.

Something wild was overtaking Ushijima’s senses at seeing how fragile and delicate you looked, and he stalked forward, eyes heavy with an intense gaze on you.

And he was now in front of you as you stared down at the ground, waiting for what he’d do next as you tried your best to stay composed by attempting to ignore his presence.

Suddenly, he raised his hand to cup your jaw, his other hand gripping your wrist to pull it away from your nose. And the absolute predatorial look in his eyes would’ve knocked you to your knees if the wall wasn’t there to support you.

He stroked your cheek with his thumb, wiping a tear away. “From tonight onwards you’re mine.” He growled before lifting your jaw up further.

You moaned at that and quickly nodded, “I-I’m yours.”

”I don’t care if you always want to fight back as long as you understand that right now, I’m in charge.” He said as his thumb traced your bottom lip before tugging down on it. And the second after you nodded, he crashed his lips against yours in a bruising kiss.

Your resolve immediately crumbled and you easily melted into the kiss, collapsing into him. A cry left your lips which was promptly swallowed by Ushijima. Your arms wrapped around his neck tightly as you tried rutting against his thigh. But he quickly grabbed ahold of your hips, stilling you.

You whined into his mouth, “Please Waka-kun.”

”Patience,” he commanded, making you quickly shut your mouth. “I’m going to take care of you,” and with that he picked you up.

He walked with you in his arms through the deserted hallway, making his way towards the dormitories, specifically his.

And as he walked through the school building, classes having been just let out, he ignored the stares and stunned silence from his peers as they gawked at the sight of the Alpha of Shiratorizawa Academy walking with the little annoying omega of the school in his arms, who was clearly in heat.

But right now all that was on his mind was getting you back to his dorm safely so he could spend the next how ever many days fucking you until all you could possibly remember was his name.

Ushijima unlocked his dorm door, seeing an already grinning Tendou sitting upon his bed, “Well didn’t this work out nicely?” He teased.

”Tendou I need the—“

He raised his hands in surrender, “I know, I know,” he said getting up, his eyes landing on you for a second, “Definitely a sight I never thought I’d see,” he mused at seeing you so submissive in Ushijima’s arms, before practically singing, “Have fun~” on his way out.

Ushijima kicked the door shut before walking over to his bed and dropping you on it. You were sprawled out on your back, absolutely breathless.

His own breathing was beginning to become more and more labored as your heat was pushing him into a rut.

”You’re going to behave?” He asked.

You nodded, a mewl escaping your lips as you rubbed your thighs together.

”Use your words.”

”Y-yes alpha,” you managed to get out, a glint reaching his eye at the title.

”Good. Now....bare your neck.”

You scrambled to do as he said, and a slight smirk grazed his lips at the sight, a sense of pride, similar to when he won tournaments, washed over him.

You kneeled up on your knees, titling your head to the side for him.

He smiled, cupping the side of your face, before leaning down to mark you.

So yes, Ushijima would put up with your fiery attitude and need to go against everything everyone tells you to do, as long as he’d be the one to get to see you like this.

Because for the first time since he’s known you.

You were finally listening.

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #ushijima #omegaverse #ushijima wakatoshi #ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #omegaverse au #a/b/o fanfic #a/b/o #alpha #beta #omega #alpha beta omega #alpha!ushijima #alpha!ushijima wakatoshi #omega!reader #haikyuu omegaverse #hq!! omegaverse

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olivieblake · 3 years

Note

As a writer or even just a consumer of media do you find people are less willing to accept “flaws” in characters and stories? I’m not talking like this character is a murderer he’s evil no one should like him type stuff, though as someone who started off writing dramione I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of that but just like when characters are ever short of perfect. Like when a strong female character is kinda insecure or a couple isn’t communicating well or has a heated fight everyone gets mad that it’s a toxic relationship or bad writing. I once read a review of a book where someone stopped reading it after two chapters cause it had bad therapy practices, ie. the character still had shit to work through and therapy isn’t magic therefore they weren’t always doing the healing right and it’s like? that’s the whole point!! it’s an arc the character is gonna grow! It’s also made clear early on that the therapist didn’t agree with the coping methods (overly controlling their life) so it wasn’t like they were trying to portray it as a good thing. I know you’ve mentioned people have ✨opinions✨ about your DFS Hermione for having flaws and staying flawed and her flaw is just that she kinda thinks she’s right a lot and maybe isn’t the most self aware nothing even serious lol. I’m not saying don’t be critical of media but it’s kinda overwhelming reading think piece after think piece about why this thing you enjoy is actually the literal worst™️. Like am I toxic for having some of the same flaws ? Am I a problematic creep for enjoy stories where everything isn’t always sunshine, I don’t want to have a train wreck of a relationship but sometimes reading about one can be kinda fun? Is that terrible?

there’s a lot here that I’d like to discuss and I’m thinking about how I’d like to do it (I’ll inevitably chat about it in a video because it’s interesting and complex but I think I may have too many topics for this monday)

let’s see I think I will start by saying: in general, critical discourse about media (books, tv, film, fanfic) is a good thing, but it has definitely gone awry from what I consider to be its origins. I think the whole point of viewing media critically and making observations about what we are portraying via fiction is crucial for amplifying/protecting marginalized stories and reducing harm—specifically, the harm that minorities and women face by being inundated with bigoted, prejudiced, hateful, or ignorant tropes, caricatures, or relationship dynamics. I definitely believe that we should consider what we consume and how we consume it, particularly when it comes to the marginalized voices who do not see themselves represented well or fairly in white male dominated media

that being said, I do think it has led to the expectation that fiction cannot have ANY problems, which is absurd and counterproductive. it’s also extremely reductive, particularly when it comes the Strong Female Character™ thing you mention, where a woman STILL only has value if she’s strong in the “correct” way. I mentioned in one of my other posts and also last week’s video that there’s some kind of disconnect between the VERY GOOD intentions of things like #ownvoices or the movement to empower female characters and the actual outcomes, which make it so that any flaws in a marginalized fictional character are magnified to represent the entire group. the very reasonable request to see ourselves in fiction has somehow become an exponentially convoluted demand to see ourselves a certain way in fiction, where any character who does not reflect our personal experience is bad and wrong. previously, the expectation was that white male stories were universal whereas everything else was only for that specific group, and now, ironically, everything that is created still has to fit that universal quality and please everyone, despite that not being the point. the problem is when you only have ONE movie about this topic or ONE book about this ethnicity, then of course it hasn’t done enough to exemplify an entire subject or culture. there has to be an entire body of work the way there is with white-dominated media, where no single film or book accurately represents the experience of being white

plus we have twitter which is a horrifying hellscape where you get rewarded by the algorithm for making loud, obnoxious points so add that to the list (yesterday I saw that one of the top 3 reviews on Beloved by toni morrison is a 1-star review written by a white man and I was just flabbergasted by the lack of self-awareness)

but anyway that’s like, more of a macro look at what I think is going on but you’re right that people are not very forgiving of flawed characters. to some extent, I get it; the one thing we don’t want our characters to do is annoy us, and that’s fair. but I also think people have lost the sense that “oh, this thing isn’t for me” and thus can’t successfully identify the difference between critical failure and personal dislike

now. as for Divination for Skeptics. let me start by saying it’s not like I don’t understand why people find hermione in Divination for Skeptics annoying, because I get it. if you’re taking the story very seriously then sure, maybe you want her to change her behavior and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t. fair enough! to that I say it’s a comedy and if you don’t find it funny you’re perfectly welcome to dislike it, it’s not a big deal to me if I don’t make you laugh. however, I DO take issue with people who claim she’s too flawed or doesn’t grow, because they almost always do it in a very specific way: they say that she doesn’t show enough empathy, aka how dare she not read draco’s mind and simply alter her personality and behavior to suit his. it genuinely infuriates me that in my opinion, people who voice that particular “criticism” have seemingly internalized the belief that women should be emotionally perceptive; that for them, hermione’s “flaw” is that she does not take on the emotional labor that draco refuses to perform. (her actual flaw is that her survival technique/coping mechanism is a hyper-rationality that incorrectly assumes she has perfect information; i.e., that everything she knows is accurate, and therefore all of her decisions must be sound.) whereas draco knows this about her—knows and acknowledges it—and yet cannot bring himself to voice his feelings out of a fear-based desire to hedge his own emotional risk. who, then, is more flawed in the context of the story?

I don’t really have a conclusion yet so I’m going to pause for now and we’ll revisit this; I think mainly it’s that the more media diversifies, the more people will struggle with the preconceptions they have and the presumption that everything they consume is for them, and therefore that they are the metric for whether something is “good.” I think good art, good media, will reflect the world as it exists, but it will still only be the world according to one tiny fraction, a sliver of the actual human experience. does bad representation mean bad art? when it harms people yes. but when it speaks to a deeper truth (the truth of “we are all given to vice and imperfection even if it is not this specific version”), no. but that requires quite a degree of sophistication and self-awareness to identify, hence the discomfort of continuous vitriol or bad takes

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codevassie · 3 years

Text

Superpower TS Fic Recs

[***Let me know if I’ve missed anything on the Content Warnings!]

[**Do Not Ask Authors for Updates!]

[*Leave these authors Comments, please and thank you!]

What You Can Stand by manyfandomsonelog

Status: Incomplete, Work In Progress

Summary: Virgil tried so, so hard to avoid becoming a supervillain. He really did. But when your superpower is literally manifesting a person's worst fears, it's a hard thing to avoid. Still, he really, really tried. Even when his own parents feared him. Even when the whole school feared him. Even when he hated himself and his Propensity so much that he wanted to give in. He might've succeeded, if he hadn't met him- Roman Reyes, AKA Roman Spectacular, AKA The Prince, AKA the worst thing that has ever happened to him (which is saying something).

Relationships: Prinxiety, Logicality

CW: Psychological stuff, nightmares, bullying, physical harm, spiders, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, brief discussion of racism, self-hatred, bomb, explosion, blood, injury, bad/abusive parenting, imprisonment, fire, homophobia, pedophilia mention, discussion of child abuse, evidence of physical abuse, sexual innuendo, anxious thoughts, death, funeral, flashback, reference to sex, fairly aggressive arguing and yelling, public speaking, secondhand embarrassment

My thoughts: My quarantine savior!!! I started the fic like a week into quarantine, so I really mean that literally. The characterization is absolutely fantastic--I love seeing all of them interact. It’s so natural and fun and interesting. The plot is also just wonderful--one thing keeps happening after another and these guys just cannot seem to get a break. The pacing is awesome, and whether it’s a character or plot chapter, you just can’t look away. Log is such a fantastic writer and a wonderful person, so if you like awesome prinxiety, superpowers and secret identities, trust and betrayal, humor and angst, you really need to read this one!

Rewind by ravenclawicecream

Status: Incomplete, Work In Progress

Summary: When a group of superheroes show up to kill him, it's just another Wednesday for Virgil Messana. After five years of being on the run, he's used to the idea people want him dead. That fact is just an unfortunate side effect of having the power to destroy everything you touch. What does surprise him, however, is when he finds himself agreeing to join those superheros and become part of the team. It's not long until Virgil learns that all the heroes have chapters of their lives they'd rather keep unpublished, along with events they'd rather not relive. And, as he spends more time with the team, he realizes that he may know certain members much better than he'd originally thought. Virgil longs for a moment to figure everything out but by then it's too late. He's already caught up in a bigger scheme; one where they no longer have the power to control their own destinies. With every movement monitored and every action proven to be calculated, the lines between allies and enemies blur, leaving Virgil caught in between. When the stakes are inevitably raised, the remaining heroes must do all they can to change the future of the world. But time has always been a cruel master, and sometimes the only answer is to rewind.

Relationships: Loceit, Logicality, Prinxiety, Remile

CW: Major Character Death, Murder

My thoughts: Gosh, I wish this one got more love. It’s probably the MCD tag, so understandable, but also take into consideration the time travel tag and perhaps give it a chance? I feel like this fic is setting up for so much, and I cannot wait to see how it all goes down. I have so many questions for this fic which is always a good sign (so many that I may have freaked the author out with my WALL of questions on chapter three don’t worry about it /j). Please. Read. This.

Powerless by patentpending

Status: Complete

Summary: “People like us,” Logan had once remarked to Virgil. “Are statistical anomalies.”(Almost) Everyone in the world has powers. As for those who don’t, well, they’re such a small part of the population - only 0.04% - why would anyone care about them?Ever since he realized what people mean when they call him Powerless, Virgil Sanders has tried to fight back against the system that oppresses people like him, Patton, and Logan. When Patton’s bakery is targeted in a hate crime, he finally snaps. With the help of a mysterious sponsor, Virgil becomes a villain, ready to remake a broken society. The only thing standing in his way is the world’s most Powerful (and infuriatingly charming) superhero: The Prince, who is hiding the fact that his gilded life isn’t as perfect as it may seem.

Relationships: Prinxiety, Logicality, Roman/Female Fanon Character

CW: Classism, Unreliable Narrator, Thinly Veiled Criticism of Society, emetophobia, violence, gun mention, implied suicide attempt, dub-con, mentions of blood, graphic depictions of a riot, non-graphic description of a wound, possessive and abusive behavior, kid being kicked out of the house by parent, kidnapping, kinda torture (?), body horror, gore, graphic descriptions of injuries, emotional abuse, police brutality, pain and injury, burning building, swearing, vomiting, murder, panic attack, dysphoria, misgendering, minor character death, major character death, self deprecating talk, mentions of suicide

My thoughts: Well, doing a TS superhero rec without Powerless is just treason. I don’t know--I’m trying to figure out a way to describe it and instead launching up to pace around the room with an instant replay of different scenes in my head. I mean, the grocery store chapter?!?! This stuff lives in my head rent free. The characterization, the banter, the tension, the motives--I can’t describe it y’all. Just, if you love yourselves (love yourselves, please <3) then just go read it. Or reread it. Do that for yourselves.

Waterspout by Greenninjagal

Status: Complete

Summary: "Hail!” The boy says all smug smiles that Virgil immediately hates. “You’re Recluse aren’t you?”As if there was some other spider themed weirdo who clung to buildings in their free time.“No,” Virgil says, because he can. *** Virgil finds himself stuck on the side of a building in a rainstorm and is helped by an annoying-admittedly attractive-guy.

Relationships: Prinxiety

CW: Mild cursing, storms

My thoughts: This one is very cute. Virgil is a spiderman-like hero who went up a waterspout, and down comes some rain trying to wash him out. Roman comes to help, they banter a bit, and, maybe, there’s a little surprise at the end. I would not mind more of this AU. In fact, I would love it. But that should not discount how wonderfully made a oneshot it is either. The author wrote it perfectly for the length it is, presenting the charm of the characters, great plot and symbolism, and left me wanting more at the same time. Definitely go check this one out.

Technically. It’s A Secret by supervillain

Status: Incomplete, Work In Progress

Summary: Virgil Storm, the adopted son of a reality TV star with telekinesis was born without a power. That's been a problem for him all his life. His only friend is Patton Vega, his only chance at romance the irritating Cros Corson--until he gets a job at a top-secret facility, playing babysitter to a bunch of kids with dangerous powers and even more dangerous minds. Kids who happen to be exactly his age.Yeah, this is going to be a piece of cake, especially when the enigmatic villain Believe (aka Roman Torres) takes a liking to Virgil. And even worse, when Virgil starts to more than like him back. Pull in some evil mad scientists, a plague created to decimate the world, a murderous villain, an obnoxious stalker, and the greatest Kinetic the world has ever known, and you're in for a hell of a ride.

Relationships: Prinxiety, Logicality

CW: Anxiety attacks, arson, murder, minor character death, blood, spiders, being eaten alive, falling, death, sleeping, fighting, cop mention

My thoughts: I’m behind on this one, and I wanted to catch up on it before I posted this rec list. Today is the last Friday of the year though, so I decided to just go ahead and do it. I love this fic a ton so far, and I can’t wait to read more. I can tell the author put a lot of thought into writing the world and characters, and that the plot is interesting and deliberate. There’s mysteries unfolding which intrigues me So Bad. It’s a super interesting one, so I’d say go read it!

#fic recs #sanders sides #ts #friday fic recs #prinxiety #NOTE: the two that have a wall of CWs are mostly just warnings from the beginnings of chapters #which means they can be skipped over fairly easily #so today is the last friday of the year (holy snit) so i wanted to get this out #i've been trying to make this list since like may but i don't read a whole lot of superpower aus #hope everyone is having a great one!

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loveau · 4 years

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enemies-to-lovers!hendery

request: Could I request an angsty enemies to lovers AU with Hendery or Ten? Thank you so much for posting your writing

others: lucas | yuta | renjun | jisung

it all started probably at some university party where a mutual friend or a friend of a friend introduced everyone in a group

since there were so many people, there wasn’t a lot of interaction to go on

but what you did know was that the dude named hendery???

yeah the most obnoxious person you’d ever met

and he thought you were the most judgmental person he’d ever met

to be fair his rowdiness comes with the friends he has nearby you’re bound to be the same way with yours

but it just seemed like he was so over the top and loud and it was annoying how you couldn’t have a conversation with your friends when he was literally screaming across the room

at the same time, however, hendery isn’t appreciative of your dramatic groans and eye rolls whenever he does anything and he feels so restricted from basically getting to have fun

and putting the both of the together in the same room is a chemical reaction that leads to an explosion

it basically started at that party and y’all were having fun and the mingling of groups was happening where everyone was getting to know each other

y’all didn’t really interact during the party besides hanging around the general area

but that didn’t stop you from giving each other the slight stink eye, which may have started on your part when he accidentally spilled some drink on your friend’s pants

and he thought nothing of it so he assumed you were just a stick in the mud and thought it was dumb you were there to cramp on his fun

obviously you hadn’t added each other on social media, so when hendery was doing something especially dumb you smirked and had been recording it

in all fairness it had started with you recording one of your friend’s rants about how nobody treats them right and how they deserve the perfect lover but there’s just trash people and their trash lists of who’s the best kisser or whatever

but all of a sudden your camera had switched to hendery’s group of friends where he was standing on top of a table and slipped off due to all of the snacks and drinks spilled on it

he ended up getting caught by his friends before he got hurt, but he clonked heads with one of them and was wincing while the others laughed or were more focused on whether or not he was okay

you were chuckling to yourself and captioned it ‘bet he doesn’t have any braincells if this is what keeps happening... makes sense alrdy tho 💀💀’

and you thought nothing of it until the next morning you’d woken up to a couple of messages and whatnot

you’d been debating whether or not you wanted to go to the bathroom and check later on during lunch after you spent some time to yourself but you chose to continue laying in bed and read through everything

a couple of the typical ‘what was the homework’, ‘lunch?’, and ‘did you know that this happened...’ type of things

but what caught your eye was the ‘hey, did you know that you have a bounty on your head rn?’

you were so confused because you had no clue what that was supposed to mean and typed back a simple ???

and one of your friends ten responded back pretty quickly and he was just like yeah, hendery apparently hates your guts rn so i suggest don’t run into him

you’re just like????? hUH????? who?????

he sends you a picture of himself and a whole group of others and he’s just like furthest dude on the left

you squint at your phone because wow ten you could have chosen a better picture or maybe screenshotted something huh

however once you recognize him, you’re like UH???? KnUcKLeheAD?

ten’s just like yeahh, apparently he found out about your story and has been asking everyone who you are

someone must have told him because ten sent you a screenshot of the story hendery posted that captioned your story with smth like

‘this person rlly don’t have anything better to do besides play therapist for their friends at a p a r t y :///’

you’re gaping at the message and it’s so bad you sit up from bed so fast with your phone in the tightest grip

like what??? and followed by that there’s another screenshot of another story that basically was some poll or something about whether or not you were fun or some lame-o

you were fuming at that and saw the username in the stories ten sent you and basically looked him up and found out who hendery was

your phone was practically thrown to the other side of the bed as you got ready for the day

part of you was so confused as to who sent him the story but you were also really confused as to why he’d just project you onto his as if you’d see it (which you did soooo)

and you found yourself complaining to your friends about it like who would do that??? it was a joke anyways and plus why does he care when you barely know each other???

they’re all on your side of it too since most of them had met hendery that same night or only knew a couple of the other guys and him by extension

your food was feeling your wrath as you chewed on it and your friends tried to find a different subject to talk about

“hey, did you transfer classes like you wanted?

you finally smile at that and give a satisfied hum to them

“yep, i finally got out of that blasted quantum mechanics class or whatever”

“why were you in that anyways?????”

you shrug and it’s just confusing to you because you were trying to get an elective course in but they decided to put you in a big science class where people with big brains and bigger egos liked to flex their knowledge and lord it over you when you didn’t understand

“doesn’t matter!! i’m in advanced hip hop dancing now! no more 8am lectures about one dimensional applications anymore”

“but you still have to wake up at 8am to walk across campus to the theatre rooms?”

“it doesn’t matter if you like what you do”

which was the best part since you took hip hop last semester and had some background in dancing before, so the instructor suggest you move to intermediate

but the worst part was the voice you heard behind you

“oh no way in-”

you whipped around and saw the shocked and irritated look on the one and only hendery

“you!” you pointed your fork accusingly at him and he has the audacity to look offended and point both hands at himself

“me???”

“yeah you! who are you to put me on blast to social media even though i’m a total stranger to you?”

“exCUSE ME?????!! the same goes to YOU!”

“tHE sAmE GoES tO YOu. it was a joke, especially by someone you barely know!!!! i didn’t want to have to see your face first thing in the morning to find out you got butthurt because you bonked your head as a kid and wanted to reenact that??”

hendery almost revolts backwards and holds a finger up

“first of all? do you think i’m happy about getting to see you first thing in the morning either??? and do you think i’d be happy seeing you at 8am every other day?”

you quickly put two and two together and you’re clenching your teeth

“you don’t mean-”

“yeah, see you in advanced hip hop, lame-o”

you (and practically the entire lunch room alkfnskfn) are left in shock as hendery takes his leave without even ordering food

you sit there in shock and think all of a sudden you might not like hip hop anymore

and you’re complaining about it to ten as he sits across from you at dinner, a couple hours after your lunch and having enough time to sit on it

“i should have taken modern dancing with you........ or maybe even ballet 3 with sicheng?”

ten only laughs and you scowl as he attempts to keep his snickers quiet

“you wouldn’t have lasted more than two days. you’d be itching to get your feet moving faster than they can get their toes pointed”

you roll your eyes because he’s right. one of the best parts of dancing hip hop was that you felt you could lose control of yourself in a more reckless way than the other styles of dancing could

“i hate it when you’re right?”

ten smiles at you and pats your shoulder from across the table

you’re just internally screaming that you have to wake up at 8am to see hendery’s dumb face again

“why is it because i’m right so often?”

“no, because i tend to owe you money because i lost the bet”

he snickers and then offers his student id to you

you take it questioningly and he pats the hand that has the id in it

“take it out at the dance studio. they’ve closed it from regular students after 9 since someone decided it’d be funny to steal one of the mirrors”

you roll your eyes but smile gratefully at him

“gotta love TAs with their magical access for ‘tutoring hours’”

“hey they’re actually convenient for when it doesn’t fit someone’s schedule!”

you’re already walking towards the door by the time he says that and you look back cheekily

“tell me that again when you haven’t used it for a private picnic date with someone you met on tinder!”

by the time you reach the dance studio you’re absolutely giddy and so glad you wore comfortable clothing to dinner so you didn’t have to go back to change

your giddiness changed when you already saw somebody in the studio

and as fate would have it, of course hendery had to be there, jamming out to some 80s hip hop song

before you could turn around and leave, he spun around during once of the dances and opened his mouth in shock

“there is no way-”

“save it! i’m just as shocked as you are”

he huffs and turns off the music and stands with his arms folded

“well?”

“well what?”

he makes a face and over exaggerates your irritated one with a “wELl WhAt?!?!??!!!?!?”

you set your jaw and mimic his stance but the awaiting look in his eyes told you everything

“i’m not here to apologize if that’s what you’re thinking” you put a hand and put your other on your hip before he could say anything

at least he had enough respect to listen to your cue even though he exasperatedly threw his hands in the air and huffed loudly

“and even if i wanted to, i wasn’t so immature to go around asking everyone about who made me cry because they laughed when i decided to climb a table and almost fall because it was slippery”

“i didn’t cry” he’s got this childish tone to his voice and you know better than to instigate but the fiery look in his eyes only lights up one of your own

“i can give you a reason”

you don’t even realize you’ve stepped in the middle of the dance floor until he huffs out a laugh and meets you in the middle where you have your hands on your hips defiantly and a cocky smirk on your face

he hates it and you feel so powerful seeing him seethe

it only adds to your satisfaction that he ends the stare down by walking away rigidly

however it quickly melds into confusion when he turns the music on again, this time to a more recent song on the radio and one of the songs you were thinking of dancing to actually

he starts walking again, but in circles around you

he adds a spin here and there and a little kick of the leg

“what are you, constipated?”

he takes your comment in stride and backs away again to give you the floor

“you obviously came here to dance, and if you’re all talk about it then why don’t you up me one?”

“gladly”

there’s a bite in your tone but there’s even more snap in your hips

you don’t miss the way hendery’s eyes trail up and down as you flow into another move

you smirk once he trails back up to your eyes and instead of looking caught he only smirks right back

it peeves you a little how confident he looked now and he slowly clapped once you finished up another spin

“not bad for a freestyle”

you hate how much his ego has been stoked and you hate how you absolutely know how much he absolutely seemed to live for your annoyance with him

you two circled each other for a while, none of you really knowing who started moving first and why you both continued

but it was you who stepped forward first, and he responded in kind and it would have been so off putting that you both were so close

when he chuckled at your determined gaze you could practically feel his breath against your face

you felt the anger bubbling in your core once the warmth hit your cheeks

but a closer look at his eyes showed you that he was definitely affected by your snappiness with him and the irritation was practically pooling in his irises

“you know, for someone who’s in advanced hip hop you sure don’t seem good at motor functions. you could barely stand at that party”

“you know, having fun tends to have that effect. but you wouldn’t know. nobody does anything with you besides stand against a wall and try to talk over the music. there’s a reason why the lyrics are the only words you’re supposed to be hearing”

normally you’d bite your tongue and walk away or tell him he’s being the immature one once again, but those words were dumb and it mad you livid

“funny, for someone who claims to move so well yet you haven’t really shown me anything”

in a flurry of motion, hendery has grabbed your arm and spun you around so that you fall hard into his chest

you can hear a huff of effort from him as he twirls you out again and then back into him but with his hand at your waist

his cocky grin makes you almost growl at him, but you were too shocked to say anything

“cat got your tongue?”

he releases you and then dusts himself off

“you know when you want to act up.......”

he gets in your face and the cockiness as dissolved into the pure annoyance that you are already familiar with from feeling it yourself

“make sure you’re not just all talk.” he turns and grabs all his stuff, but he waves over his shoulder before he leaves “see you in class”

and oooooOOOOOH do you see him in class the next morning

the instructor has greeted you since you transferred in the class two weeks in

they were glad you decided to come in even though the class was already working on some dances and it would take a couple classes to see where you were at since it’d been a while and also with a different instructor

so..................

“hi, i’m hendery. i’m the student instructor/TA, i’ll bring you up to speed”

and GOSH did you feel so angry for waking up at 6am to have breakfast and having to walk across campus in the cold morning air just to figure out you’d have to work 1:1 with hendery for a couple of classes

and he wasn’t too happy about it either

mainly because he had some of your friends on his tail for blasting you on social media and all of a sudden it was talk of the two friend groups and even in some other circles

but while he was getting told off for being immature about it and even about being teased about his clumsiness and somewhat recklessness (which got old real fast)

you were also getting constantly teased by your “boringness” but also some people had the audacity to actually stop inviting you to some things because they thought so

little did you know hendery was sort of in the same boat because they were afraid he’d break something and when he heard that boy did he really want to

and both of your indirect interactions with each other in that method only fueled the spite you had with the direct contact with each other

the next couple of classes you purposely would hit him with an arm when you had it swung out or maybe accidentally stepping on his toes

but he was also quick to make sure to “accidentally” not teach you the full dance to a song or even give you the entirely wrong song to dance to

but the instructor assumed that it was because you were logged from all the physics shenanigans so they wanted hendery to run it through with you during class

you were practically seething over a lunch with your friends about all of this and they gave you tired glances

ten was the only one who seemed unfazed, as he was the only one in the two circles with direct connections to both of you

“i just don’t understand why this keeps happening. if he just wasn’t so immature and keeps insulting me about my way of spending time with friends then i’d stop fighting back”

“but you started it”

“we didn’t know each other, ten! it was just some light jabbing” you scoff at that because it was just so annoying at this point “besides, he was so obnoxious in the first place”

ten gives you an encouraging pat on the back

you groan and say you haven’t been able to spend a good weekend of fun in a couple of weeks thanks to wary eyes or not knowing where the parties are

“didn’t know you could have fun~”

you also smack ten but his cheeky grin lets him get away with it, like it does every time

but he soon makes up for it by giving you the location and time of another party by a friend of his and that he’d be there to hang with you

by the time you got there he was already tearing it up on the dance floor after taking one too many

he was all the more excited to see you though and had jumped into your arms happily and was laughing the whole time

“hey, you made it! you won’t believe who-”

but he was whisked away before you knew it

so you left to get something to drink on your own

somebody you vaguely knew recognized you and started chatting with you on the way

“hey, haven’t i seen you around before?”

“yeah..... i think we took physics together?”

“oh right!!!! i remember, you transferred out right?”

you knew where this was going since they obviously wanted to sound smarter in this situation

they had been your lab partner and it totally sucked to hear them complain about having someone ‘not competent enough to do anything’ as a partner

you only nod and listen to them ramble a little more, looking for someone familiar to latch onto so you could leave this conversation

until you heard

“i didn’t know you went to parties”

“uhhhh....... what made you think that?”

they shrug and they look amused to keep making jabs at you

“well, i heard you were kind of a stick in the mud. not to mention you don’t really do much at parties, so i figured it wasn’t your scene”

“what? excuse me??”

“oh. well i thought since you were a little slow in class then you wouldn’t be doing anything besides standing around. the dorm’s more your place, yeah?”

before you can go off on the dude, the person’s shoved against the wall and they’re not going anywhere

especially when hendery’s face is in theirs

“that’s enough, buddy. you’re a little harsh, no?”

they give out a nervous laugh and look around to see if anybody is going to come to their aid, but the others have decided to keep moving and ignore what’s going on

you on the other hand are shocked to find that hendery’s here, much more that he’s defending you in a sense

“whatT? didn’t you...... you know, start all of this?”

hendery rolls his eyes but shoves a little harder

you hate to say it, but you were feeling pretty proud of this

“first of all, they did”

“hey!”

“but second of all, you’ve been skating on thin ice ever since you thought it’d be funny to start insulting someone as your first interaction”

“that’s RICH coming from you” and the person’s right, but they’re also toeing the line reeeeeal far with agitating hendery

“oh yeah? i didn’t realize how much of a stuck up twerp i sounded like before i heard those words coming out of your mouth”

you merely watch on and hendery takes a glance out of the corner of his eye to look at you

there’s a hard glare in his eyes but they soften a bit once you come into sight

you’re................... confused????

but you also recognize the anger in his eyes since the person also began jabbing at hendery, so you were prepared for his next line

“by the way... you hungry?”

“huh?”

and hendery had raised his fist up and the person recoiled hard

but it never made contact.....

they timidly looked up to see the fist

he scoffed and straighted out his clothes as he backed away

“yeah, don’t act though if it’s just that. an act”

he walks away from the person and heads for you

“come on, let’s get you a drink”

you just stand there as he searches around for an empty cup and fills it with water quickly before walking you outside

you didn’t need to be pulled along to follow with him

you wanted answers

by the time you’re outside you just give him an expecting look with your eyebrows raised and he seems almost frustrated to admit his thoughts

“what, cat got your tongue this time?”

he chuckles as he remembers that one instance in the dance studio together but he hums, thinking of his next words

“i mean, i’m not sure how else to phrase it”

“i can wait. i don’t do much besides not have fun anyways”

at this he hangs his head

“okay, well i do feel bad about that. i didn’t realize how harsh those words all sounded until it was being played back to me”

“it took this long to figure out why i was upset by it and not just me being a ‘stick in the mud’?“

he nods and you can see instead of irritation.... there’s sincerity in his eyes now

a.......... sudden, but also welcome change

“yeah... well! no, not really.......... i kind of thought it was childish to keep this whole fighting thing going on, so......”

“why keep it on then?”

he shrugs and looks away, almost like he was embarrassed

“i......... really, really............. really liked the fiery look in your eyes whenever we’d bicker”

you laugh at that this time

“you thought it was hot?”

he almost whines out a “kinda!” but then groans and mumbles

your mischievous look makes him throw his hands up and he’s frustrated again but this time there’s a civil air between you two.... almost...... flirtatious

“yes! i thought it was attractive most of the way through... but even when you’re not mad..... you’re still pretty cute”

you find yourself blushing even though you’re practically glowing in amusement, but then you find yourself turning practically red when he defends himself with an almost equally red face

“and don’t lie!! i know you think i’m attractive too. i saw the way you were eyeing me when i was telling that person off. i was all macho man and you were swooning!”

“i was not!”

“i literally said don’t lie, didn’t i!”

and you keep throwing bickering comments back and forth, but it’s amusing and you both...... like it

after a while there’s a silence in between you before you make a light jab at hendery.... only this time it’s in a soft teasing kind of way

one that the both of you can stand and put smiles on your faces instead

“so you weren’t too chicken to actually land the hit?”

“shut up, i’ll fight if i have to”

“aww, even for me?”

and he’s silent at that but there’s a slight tint of pink you can make out from the lights outside

he purses his lips and decides now is the time to make the move to patch things between you two

“i still think there’s apologies left to be said”

“from both of us?”

“..... yeah”

and you hate to admit that you’ve also been super immature about it, but you’re pretty glad that it’s getting moved past now

but it was so awkward to just do this so suddenly

he notices the tension in between you and decides to make the first move

“okay........ let’s just start over..... hi, i’m hendery. i’ve seen you before. i’m the TA of your advanced hip hop class, right?”

“right! i think i can recall you staring at my butt a couple of times”

“shut up!!” he pushes you slightly but his grin tells you he’s not that shy to admit it and he’s goofing around now “besides...... can’t lie you’re kinda cute though”

and suddenly there’s a crash behind the two of you and you see ten bounding his way for you

“i cannOT believe it, wow! the two of you together and not ripping each other apart. BUT I knEW this would happen”

and you just look at each other like ?????????? huh?????

“that you would look so cUtE together!!!!! everything turned out juuuust right, like i thought it would since the beginning”

and all of a sudden you both made ten explain everything to the both of you

because ten had shared the initial stories to the other person, not thinking it’d go down like this

but most of it was forgiven since you were more distracted by hendery leaning against the railing and having that as an excuse to wrap his arm around you

and you were practically leaning into his side since it was ‘too cold outside’ while you were listening to ten ramble on and on about how his plan ended up being messy but he was living for it

while the both of you gave him an earful about how setting the two of you up could have been done where you didn’t hurt each other’s feelings for so long, he shut you up quickly with a

“oh please, you two bickered like an old married couple. with the way you guys act just get married already! some of those sparks weren’t just angry, there was some love in there too!”

“ten!”

“and do NOT get me started on the sexual tension-”

“TEN!”

#elli writes #nct #wayv #hendery #nct imagines #nct scenarios #wayv imagines #wayv scenarios #hendery imagines #hendery scenarios #nct angst #wayv angst #hendery angst #angst #neutral pronouns #enemies to lovers au

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dropsofletters · 4 years

Text

break-up season

title: break-up season pairing: ten/reader genre: pizza shop worker!au/strangers to lovers!au summary: break-up season, the time in which a love-hater like ten finally proves to himself that love is a mere stigma of society, rather than a concept. his favorite pastime is to look out of the window of the pizza shop he works at, watching as couples gather for dinner simply to leave as two separate individuals that couldn’t even look each other in the eye. that is changed when he actually sees someone trying to get together with a woman, a love confession so cringe-worthy that he just had to intervene. the only thing he wants is to save this woman from the horrid taste of love, but maybe his views change by the time he gets to know her. type: fluff/romance/humor word count: 14,406 ⚠️ disclaimer: this is part of the love diaries, my valentine’s day project with wayv, if you want to read the rest of the members’ stories, you can click here and find the masterlist for it.

The corner of the pizza shop is his favorite spot out of the entire room. Not too breezy, not too coated with the smell of mozzarella cheese and thick sauces, definitely close enough to the laptop his job asked him to use for costumers so he can do his job as a waiter, but far from the sets of people seated by the tables, most of the time consisting of couples. Under his red cap, Ten brushes the bangs that cloud his vision to study the clients he has—watch as they socialize, fall in love and fall out of it, as well. One would think that Ten likes that corner so much because he seeks for warmth, or he loves the view he gets through the glassed windows, getting to see the jewelry store that is right in front of his vision, as well as the beauty of the mini garden in between the two spots, but there are whole other reasons as to why he is obsessed with it.

In reality, Ten just enjoys the gossip and it became part of him the more he worked at the pizza place. From his peripheral, he can see bad dates and couples breaking up, he can see coworkers that can’t stand each other and friends that are too entranced on their phones to even look at each other. He can connect the dots, create stories and figure out the reason why deep feelings are normally followed by disappointment. If people fear being alone or it is the human mechanism of life to look for the worst matches, he doesn’t know, but he has grown to love storytelling for the past year and so.

Synchronized with the beat in the background, Ten’s fingertips tapped on the counter, diverting his gaze from the window to look around the pizza place. In the background, an upbeat pop song has him humming to himself, studying the couple that sits only a few tables away, and annoying Ten with all the reasons in the world, considering he is supposed to close the pizza place in twenty minutes and they haven’t even gotten halfway through their pizza, their drinks or their laughter. One of them is a guy he actually knows; wearing long black hair and one of those stupid smiles from people who think their jokes are the funniest ever told in the world. He’ll give it to Kunhang, he’s pretty funny when he tries to be.

Pushing his cap off his head to run his fingers through his hair, he takes another look out of the window, staring at the faint reflection of the lights outside of his workplace, a few people walking around hand in hand. Some people call the beginning of February the love season, but he prefers to call it ‘The Break-Up’ season instead. The amount of relationships broken to get into another one grow exponentially each year, like feelings become vainer with the pass of time…and that is a reality people never really accept. In his mind, he can already read the posts in social media about how unnecessary love is, braggers who say it because the person they like never paid attention to them. The people who are truly closed to the idea of love are realists, though not a lot existed in the world. Either way, Ten is one of them. He knows how fleeting a relationship can be and embarks more in flirtatious gathers instead of getting in the directionless ship that is love.

Past his reflection, showing the sweat that presses on his forehead and the tiredness in his gaze, Ten catches the sight of a couple that don’t seem to be having such a great time, even when the atmosphere is love is practically being pushed to everyone’s faces in that time of the year. The subtle frown on her face is indicator of her discomfort as the guy cradles his head in between his fingers, spewing out whatever cages him inside his brain, the typical ending to a pair of lovers, but by the look on her face…there was more than discomposure in her brain, confusion, too, like an outburst that came unexpected. Ten leans forward slightly, trying to read their lips to the best of his capabilities.

He comes up with nothingness, really, it is not one of his talents to read someone’s lips to perfection, much less when the words are not being repeated to him like a mantra. The weight of the situation falls far from a tale to talk about when he wants to prove love is not real when Ten’s eyes make out the figure of the man’s jaw clenching, mouth spitting words quickly, his neck turning a deep shade of red, the veins around the skin marking down uncomfortably. His mind runs a few miles per minute, weighting the possibilities of actually getting in the middle of a relationship and earning a few shouts from the man for him to keep, but he couldn’t care less.

Today, Ten curses the name of romance again, opting to believe in something stronger—helpfulness.

Today, Ten takes his sketchbook out of his backpack, one that he doesn’t even use that often anymore with how packed work has been for him, and he scribbles down a few words with his thickest black marker, pressing the sketchbook to the window and knocking on the surface loud enough for the couple in front of him to listen to him. His knuckles touch the window repeatedly, taking a few tries to have the woman’s date to shut his mouth when her gaze turned to the pizza shop, squinting at the letters written in the piece of paper. Call it being nosy, or perhaps something deep within him tells him that he has to get that woman out of that situation before anything goes out of hand, but his fingers point at the piece of paper like his life depends on it.

Her otherwise angered expression turned to confusion again, her eyes scanning the words like her life depended on understanding the message. Your pizza is ready, it read, and damn him and his excuses…because she had not even entered the place, let alone asked for anything over the phone—there was no way he would know in this case, either—, but it was the best he had managed to think about in such a quickened moment of pressure. The stranger in question nods her head, pushing her purse higher up her shoulders, the golden chain dipping on her skin thanks to her short sleeved shirt, but the worst bruise would harm her ego, watching from afar as the woman’s date wrapped his hand around her wrist, trying to bring him back to him, like the devil asking an angel to be dragged down to the pits of hell. Instead, she elbowed his side, getting away from his grasp just in time for Ten to read the most important words of the conversation the two lovers had.

“Don’t call me again.”

When he was a mere child, he had wanted to be a superhero and maybe, this was his superpower. To battle the wronged, toxic, twisted romance that the world was selling nowadays, sold to softened and easily loving individuals like fresh bread straight out of the oven.

The sound of the bell atop the door ringing is what he hears first, catching a glance of the man outside who simply rolls his eyes before turning on the heels of his extremely shiny boots before going away. To hell, really, that was exactly what he deserved. By the door, he sees how she inspected the world, a firm frown resting upon her features, home of all the despair, the entirety of her anger, the tail of the snake that lived inside her head, wanting to scream at the world for giving her such a bad date. Then, she lifts her face, chin tipped high when she stops leaning against the door to look at the waiter and Ten can only manage to give a faint smile, closing the sketchbook with his fingers before pressing the surface to his chest.

“I didn’t order anything.” She breathes the words out and maybe, it is too soon for Ten to figure out that the sound of her voice is calming. Something about the way she speaks is admirable, like all the clouds in the world had filled her vocal chords, giving it that sense of softness. A weighted blanket would be the best way to describe it, warm and tranquil, perfect to complete a night.

“I know.” Ten says, reaching for his cap and putting it over his head again, trying to cover up his messy hair. Now that he notices, the guy outside does not deserve someone like her—far too pretty with her mascara-coated eyelashes, her eyes that glisten under the most miniscule of lights, holders of speckles of sugar in their sweetened glare. “I just…I thought that guy was bothering you.”

Leaning forward on the counter, she bites down on her bottom lip, playing with her own nails as she speaks. “Was it that obvious?”

Nodding his head, he pushes his body back on the wall behind him, crossing one leg over the other as he spends the last few minutes at the pizza shop talking to a complete stranger. “It was.” He breathes out, the warm air of the shop kissing his skin. “I am just a stranger and you probably will think I am getting into your business…but was that your boyfriend?”

Sliding her purse off her shoulder, the chain clinking against the counter obnoxiously as she looks for something inside, he receives an answer soon after, mixed with a chuckle of her own. “God, no, no. I thought—That was our first date.”

As he watches her fingers take out some money, her eyes staring at the chalkboard behind him with the prices and the specialties, all the color is drained from his face. Now, he has heard of bad first dates, but with the argument that guy had just created…he would have thought they had known each other a bit more. Some people are just crazy, and that is the first reason why serious dating sounds so atrocious to him. “What do you mean first date?”

“It was supposed to be in here, you know.” She starts, pushing the money forward before pointing at the chalkboard. “Can I have some Sicilian Pizza, please? For takeout.”

“Sure.” Even though they are supposed to be closing soon, Ten doesn’t mind giving this poor soul what she is paying for. Taking the money and writing down the order on a piece of paper, he touches the bell that calls out for the chef, watching Randy’s tired expression when he pushes the piece of a paper towards him. Sooner than later, the chef is cussing inside the kitchen, too far away from him to even listen. “So,” Resting the weight of his head on his hand, he watches her expression as she talks to him. “Your date hadn’t even started and he was already making a scene.”

Shrugging her shoulders, she pushes out a gush of breath from her parted lips. “He was saying some bullshit about how I am a woman of respect and how I should cover up more skin, because if I plan to date him…I just had to look decent.”

Looking at her outfit, Ten simply scoffs at the mindset of such a close-minded man. The pink tank top barely shows a glimpse of her chest and if it did show more, it would be entirely her issue. High waisted pants wrapped around her body snugly, pairing it up with her small handbag and her sneakers. “You’re probably not asking for my opinion, but you look great. Don’t pay attention to guys like that.”

Smiling, he watches as she presses her pink lipstick coated lips together. The magic of her comes from how enchanting she seems to be; not like a princess of sorts, but definitely like someone who holds conversations nicely, being sweet from the moment someone approaches her. “Thank you for saving me, by the way.”

“It’s what I had to do.” The black haired man says.

“No, most people wouldn’t have done anything.” She pushes, her argument becoming valid with the ignorance of the actual world. People are so obsessed with love they confuse it with absolute insanity. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“What you’re saying is enough,” Ten indicates, turning his back to look at the fridge nearby. He asks for her name as he scans the sodas there, watching the different sizes and looking for the coldest one. “Cool. My name is Ten.” Introductions come easily to him. Coming to terms with himself, he really does think that he is the type of person that makes friends everywhere, but holding feelings towards someone comes uneasily for him. Never has he ever been in love, much less does he consider it important. A mere title to cover up hook-ups and heartbreak, that is all love is. “Do you want a Coca Cola? It’s on me.”

“No, no—”

“You don’t like it? I could offer you another brand, let me see…”

“No. I like it, but you don’t have to give me one.” At the sound of those words, Ten takes out the small bottle of soda and puts it in front of her, taking a straw out and placing it just beside the drink. An amused huff leaves her lips, because she has barely known the man for a few minutes, and yet he has acted far nicer than her date had done. “Okay, thank you.”

Rolling his eyes, he continues. “Don’t thank me so much.”

“You’re a godsend.” She replies, twisting the lid off before pushing the straw inside, taking a long sip to bring one of those delightful hums that cold drinks bring after a tiresome day. The muscles in her arms relax, the color returning to her lips after the second sip and in the matter of seconds, she is speaking to him once again. “Ten, I need to ask you a question. I hope you don’t mind.” She starts, looking up for a few seconds before shaking her head. “Are all guys like this? Such assholes, like, I can’t seem to find a good one. Not even my friends can. That guy was a blind date, and it didn’t even start!”

Taking a cloth to wipe the counter with, Ten takes a few moments to think about it. “I mean…love and romance and all those things…they have always been a headache.” He tries to make her feel better, but in reality, Ten doesn’t have much knowledge about what could bring a person to want to date so seriously. Most of his relationships included people he was already friends with, simply taking common attraction and casualties as their starting point and basing it in mutual feeling rather than in love. “Don’t look and you’ll find something. You shouldn’t rush.”

“…I know that, but I had to hear it again.”

“Yeah, just don’t pick any more idiots.”

“Easier said than done.”

The conversation holds for longer, work tangling in their words, talking about the frustrations of life and the longevity of the heat during the week, an anomaly to what the weatherman had indicated on Monday. Talking to her comes in the form of sweet smiles, thankfulness for something that she considers brave, but he claims it is normal. Someone like her speaks about friendships and love so highly that her feelings are out in the world, heart ready to be destroyed if it came to end in the wrong hands, and Ten is the absolute opposite of that. A man that is naturally charming, but rarely thinks of the depth of his connections with people. While she wants an ocean of feelings and to dive in them, Ten is fine with surfing across them, feeling like the king of the world for never being kicked by any of those waves.

Even then, he thinks the simplicity of their conversation will only fall as one encounter and by the time he is closing the pizza shop, his heart feels full. Heavy with pride for doing something great today…saving someone from the asphyxiating grip of hate dressed as love, or what people claim to call ‘romance’ nowadays. Toxicity at its finest.

To Ten, love is an impossibility in this era and nothing could change his mind.

🍕

In the confines of the highly illuminated room, Ten goes from one side to the other, repeatedly bowing to the clients in front of him, taking his notebook and writing down their orders, taking as many as he can in his hands—while also keeping them in order—before giving them to Randy, filling him with more work to do at the kitchen. It is tiresome, if February was difficult, March just exudes that draining energy that leaves Ten in a grumpy mood, more often than not tugging at the uncomfortably tight cap that he has to use with his uniform and swearing the damned red chemise that bruises his eyes with its bright color, warrior of all fashion that existed in the world. If anything, such a busy atmosphere would have filled his body with life if he was the one eating or enjoying the presence of background chatter, but being a waiter in such a situation—and the only one working, too—is quite the displeasure.

Seriously, the pizza place has been doing excellently nowadays and still, his boss acts as if it would be too expensive to hire another worker, either for the kitchen or to attend the costumers. Those who are the wealthiest are the most obsessed with their money.

Pressing the phone to his ear, he is trying to talk to one of the customers that wants to order through the device, but it is far too loud in the pizza place for him to listen. His vocal chords hurt from how loudly he is speaking, cursing the day he decided that working as a waiter in a pizza shop was going to be easy, but that is far from the reality. The sound of a pair of long fingers tapping on the bell makes him look up from his position, staring at the tall man with the chef hat on. Randy was a little bit over his thirties, in love with cooking and the smell of the fresh sauce he made for every pizza, spending time all around the world to prepare the majesties that they serve in Ten’s workplace. “Hey, dude, there are a group of girls that have been waiting there for a while.” Pointing at one of the tables in the pizza place, Ten hangs up on the call—thankful that it ended, really—placing the neat piece of paper on Randy’s hand. “And the Greek one is ready. Table seven.”

“Table seven, okay.” Ten repeats, fixing the hat over his head before huffing. “I am an absolute mess. How difficult is it for the boss to get another person to help us out here?”

The smell of the pizza makes him gag slightly when he picks it up; tired of the cheese, of the thick sauce and the toppings, everything seems to be too much for him. “I don’t know. I could help you out if you need it—”

“No, take care of the pizzas. Thank you, though.” Ten comments in a rushed manner, moving away from the counter and going towards the seventh table, seeing the happy smiles the family give him before he is off to the table Randy had talked about. The third table, if he is not mistaken, closer to the door and with more seats than most. Once in front of his new clients, he opens his small notepad to write their orders down, starting his introduction without really looking at who he is talking to. “Good night, welcome to The Tower of Pizza, is there anything I can serve for you tonight?”

“Ten!” The excitement in a woman’s tone makes him stare away from his notepad, instead settling his gaze on the person that is calling out for him. The same woman that had been there a little bit over a month ago, the one that he had given a free Coca Cola to and the same one whose tastes in men were not equal to her tastes in the delicious Italian treat. This time, she looks even more radiant, hanging around with a group of women—all looking at him by now, interested in why their friend even knows this person in the first place, portraying an easygoing smile and a beautiful floral shirt. “I didn’t expect you to be working today.”

Ten chuckles, taking the time to smile for the first time in the entirety of the day, and it all comes thanks to the slice of sweetness that comes with her greeting. “I work here every day. I’m the only waiter that works here.”

“For real?”

“Yes.” Ten looks up and down her face, realizing that she is far more radiant around her friends, who are stealing glances from Ten to their friend, back again and repeatedly. “I would love to talk for longer, but I have to attend more clients. What do you guys want?”

“Two of your lasagna special and one extra-large pizza. Which one do you recommend today?” After writing down their orders, Ten notices that his tongue is sticking out in concentration, something he does specifically when he is writing and focused in something. Looking over his shoulder, he sees what is written in the chalkboard before humming.

“I think Chicago could work well with you tonight.” Ten comments, deciding to bite back a smile but it is far too impossible for him to do so. It would be a lie of him to say that the sight of her hasn’t brightened his day up, for some reason that still remains unknown for him, but maybe it is the visual of her, the beauty of her smile that lets him know he just has a piece of art to look at while he works.

“Give me one of those. Thank you.” Their fingertips barely touch together when she pushes the menu towards him, skin coming in contact with a brief electrocution state before it fades to blackness. With a bow, Ten is gone, not without sparing one last glance at her to see that she is already looking at him, giving him a tight lipped smile that reads ‘I feel sorry for you, but you can do this’.

Other than that, the night goes in a blur for him, from talking to yet another customer to remembering which pizza went to certain table, to giving out the takeout boxes before anyone complains about his slowness. By the time it is about to close, he realizes there is one person seated in table number three, her purse resting over the surface, hand holding her chin up while she watches the rerun of some old show that plays on the big TV screen of the pizza shop. Ten pushes his cap off, looking at the serenity of her face and feeling a bit more relaxed, even when his chest is rising and falling with each breath and he feels like once he gets home the shower is going to have to welcome him for more than an hour.

Fixing his hair with the tips of his fingers, the man can’t help but walk over to his client, the one that should have left three hours ago just like her friends, but that decided to stay back for some reason. His hands hook around the edge of the seat beside her, dragging it across the floor obnoxiously before sitting down. The look she gives him is peaceful and he simply doesn’t get it. That type of patience and interest can only speak wonders about her and even if she just wants to talk to him or it was something else that kept her there, he thinks it’s enviable. And today, out of all days, Ten is feeling the slightest bit touched that someone would give him both a nice tip and also, stay for him a few minutes after the closing time.

“I thought you would have left with your friends.”

“I wanted to make sure you were fine after all that work you did.” She comments, watching as the apples of Ten’s cheeks lift up in a smile. In all sincerity, Ten has gotten a million gifts, surely a lot of effective nice touches of sympathy that would have warmed his heart back then, but for a complete stranger to do something as kind as that for him is truly unexpected. “I hope it doesn’t seem creepy.”

“A little bit. It matches with my nosiness in that date of yours.” The laughter that leaves her lips is joyful, pushing a few strands away from her face to get a good look at him. His eyes trail over her features, as sweet as her, with this air of innocence that has him thrilled, but instead, he opts to look at the screen that had taken her attention for most of the time she spent at that table alone. “You’re watching How I Met Your Mother?”

While leaning back on her seat, she answers. “I never really got to know how he met the mother. I actually thought the mother was Robin all along.”

“I don’t know who the mother was, either.” The realization downs him, watching the episode running but he is not actually paying much attention to it. “I stopped watching when I realized Barney and Robin wouldn’t end up together.”

“They don’t?!”

“Sorry, did I just spoil it?” Though he smiles, because the honesty in her face is a complete gush of fresh air. “They get a divorce I think, I don’t know. I read it online and stopped watching after that.”

Pushing her lips forward in realization, she lifts her eyebrows in surprise. “Real love doesn’t exist now.”

This is the matter in which Ten specializes the most, a love-hater from the moment he recognized what the meaning of such thing was. Funnily enough, it didn’t take a heartbreak for Ten or falling in love tremendously with someone for him to realize what it means to fall in love. It is a responsibility, to start with, so heavy that it connects two people and falls upon different parts of their lives. Secondly, love is only a conceptualization that a person can individually get to know and someone may never know if the feeling is as strong for the other, or as weak in certain occasions. Sometimes, routine and romance sound exactly the same and damn him for hating it so much. “It doesn’t take a show to realize that.” Bringing his beliefs forward, she turns to look at him.

“You don’t believe in love, do you?” She asks, the conversation becoming seemingly interesting to her.

His fingers play with the cap in between them, touching the fabric as he speaks. “Not really, no.” The smell of her cologne becomes more prominent for him when he folds his body forward to get closer to her, his hands sprawling across the table. “What about you?”

“I believe it exists.”

“Why?”

“Just…look at the amount of people who are married or live together or survive long distance relationships. That takes love.”

Tilting his head to the side, Ten gives his own train of thoughts a chance. “I think of that as compromise, not exactly love.” The tone of his voice is soft, mainly because he knows love is such a subjective feeling for most people and he doesn’t want to ruin it for someone who may just feel it, but in reality, love has died down with the passage of time and now, people have started to love more things rather than other individuals. Passion became the new version of love and he feels far more attached to that part of himself. “Like sure, I can love dancing or going out to the karaoke with my friends, but I am not married to any of those activities. That doesn’t mean I love them less.”

“That’s true—” Her voice is cut off when her phone vibrates and his eyes immediately look down, catching a glimpse of the name of the contact. “It’s this asshole again.” She cusses, pressing the red button on her phone only to sigh. “You know, after this guy…I may think you are right,” She shakes her head, lost in her thoughts of anger and frustration. “He keeps calling me and I don’t know what his issue is. I don’t even know why I want to fall in love when all I get are these half-assed guys that don’t even deserve the title of romance.”

“Sure, love doesn’t exist in my eyes…but that doesn’t mean you don’t get the chance to find a nice guy.” Ten comments, shrugging his shoulders soon after. “I think you just have a radar for finding the wrong ones.”

“How do I know if it’s a good one?”

“…I don’t know. I don’t date to find ‘the one’.” Doing quotations in the air, she smiles at his antics before her phone vibrates once again. The noise is insupportable to her ears, as if the earth is shaking beneath her fingertips in the reminder of the mistakes she made, and Ten is not so fond of the idea of a creep going around and ruining her night after spending such a great time with her friends. His hand reaches forward, asking permission with his gaze to pick it up before she hums, watching as he brings the phone up his ear.

“Why the fuck aren’t you answering?! You didn’t come back to the parking lot after our date and I was waiting for you. Do you think—?”

“Sorry man, wrong number.” Ten announces, the man on the other end being cut off immediately before he huffs out a breath.

“This bitch didn’t even give me her number properly?”

“I guess…” Though, he doesn’t like the tone this guy is speaking in and surely, all he wants to do is hang up right at that moment. Which he gets to do with all the pleasure in the world, anger emanating from his words the moment he mumbles out a quick goodbye and pushes his thumb own on the red button on the screen. Her eyes are wide, gleaming even though the lights in the pizza shop may be the main cause of it all and soon after, she breathes out at the appearance of her grin. “Block that number and never look back. You don’t owe him anything.”

“Thank you.” She stands up from her spot, pushing her purse up her shoulder while holding her phone on the other hand. “I suppose you’re going to have to close down soon.”

“Yeah, I’m going out to eat with Randy, that guy in the kitchen.” Ten chuckles, pressing his hands down on the pockets of his jeans before looking up at her. “But thank you for waiting for me to check up on me. It means a lot.”

“I’d do it again.” She nods her head, almost turning around on her heels but her movements halter to a stop, instead opting to take a good glance of the man in front of her, giving him his phone as embarrassment takes over her features. “I was actually going to ask for your number. You were so nice to me and you still are…so if I ever need someone to talk to, I would like to have you in my contacts.”

“Is that so?” Ten’s voice lowers a bit, fixing his cap over his head before writing down his number, saving his name as ‘Ten’ along with a pizza emoticon by its side, taking the time to take his phone out and jotting her number down as well. There is something about her, past her enchantment and the dulcet personality that he always talks about, but the facility he feels when talking to her, like there is nothing beneath her that could ever be used to judge someone. Her caring nature is the most outstanding, a person of energetic happiness out of all the somberness of the world. “Just text me anytime.”

“I will.” She smiles, waving her hand in the air before getting out of the pizza shop, leaving with the dangle of the bell on the ceiling above the door. Something about that night leaves him with a smile on his face and putting How I Met Your Mother in his list of ‘to watch’ shows. Something twists, changes and perhaps, he should pull away—attraction is what he feels, but for someone who adores love and the thought launches his brain away from her, thinking that their goals are far too different for him to even try flirting. Perhaps, he should really ignore it all and let the start of a simple friendship blossom without any second thoughts partaking on that decision.

🍕

What are you doing now?

The vibration of his phone shouldn’t startle him as he is washing the dishes, soapy hands coming up from the plate in between his hands to hover in the air, eyes staring at the blinking notification on his phone. But it does. The past few weeks have been a reminder that there are so much more than the tedious hours of working in a food place, that there is more to the world than waking up, going to the dance studio to practice a bit, going to the pizza place he works at and returning home so tired he can’t even keep his eyes open. His phone finds solace in the company, texts of questioning coming from his friends and family as they ask how his life is doing and when the next adventure is going to surface for them to share new moments together, but now he has something else to look forward to. A conversation that is far more interesting in the twists and turns that come from it, the initiation a mere greeting and then, it was an endless chat in the hopes of getting to know each other.

He promises himself that he’ll finish washing that one last plate before going over to his phone, but the smile is already settling on his face at the reminder of his new friend on the other end, taking time away from her tedious hours of studying to respond to his texts. The last one they shared was during his lunchbreak, and she only got to answer now, following her dream with so much strength that one would think she’d break her head in the process. However, considering that she is probably taking a break from studying for her tests and that he is actually not doing anything too important, then he might as well answer…

Patting his hands dry in a cloth, he goes over to the counter to grip the device in between his fingers, sliding his fingers across the screen to write down his password before he is met by the sight of the opened conversation with his new friend. He calls it endless, mainly because from the moment it started with a brief ‘hello’, it never got a goodbye. Talking to her comes naturally, coming together thanks to art and connecting with each other in the name of passion, for they equally thrive for a dream.

The simple text stares back at him and in no time, he is answering.

Washing the dishes, but I am too lazy to continue…My roommate is not there for me to boss him around, either.

For a moment, he thinks of what he should write next.

How is studying going?

What he learns from her is that her dramatics are palpable, the hyperbole ever present in anything she says. It brings excitement to them, considering Ten has always enjoyed to live life with interesting people at hand. Like a show or a meal, two things that he has gotten to know well with his dream in one hand and his job in another, they all need to be outstanding to be exciting and enjoyed by other individuals.

The three dots move repeatedly, until a message arrives at his sight. The amount of emoticons in the verge of crying that she adds is exponential, definitely enough to bring a smile to his face. The pressure a university student must feel at this time of the year is not quite the highest, for April is just another month in meaningless existence, but for her…every day is a final test type of day and the fear of failure clings to her. It’s difficult to learn some of the passages from those books and even though she studies her hardest, there are times where she doesn’t get the grade she wanted—or deserved, for the matter—and Ten has self-taught himself the ability of making her feel better.

I can’t understand shit. I want to cry.

Ten’s eyes widen at that, brown hues becoming soft at the reminder of how difficult it is to have someone’s hard work not paying off for them. That was how he felt at the start of the previous year, the reason why he started working at a pizza shop in the first place.

Take a small break and then, go back to studying. You can do this. Learn the most important stuff. You don’t have to pressure yourself.

Easier said than done, he knows, but when he doesn’t get an answer for the next five minutes, he knows he either lost her to the need of sleep or she went back to studying. It is actually a push for him to continue doing errands, finally cleaning up his place after a draining week, making sure that the sheets on his bed are changed, the cushions on his couch are fluffed out, the bathroom is clean…and in the matter of seconds, he is trying to relax with a shower and a nice, hot meal. Not that he can fully relax, not when he is watching an episode of that damned show that pulled them together the last time they had physically seen each other and he is constantly reminded of her. His mind comes up with the most absurd of questions: Has she eaten? He wonders, and it is the type of question he rarely wonders about someone, and yet…there she is, in the back of his brain like a warning sign, shining bright and leaving him in utter distress.

His sheets are well wrapped around his body by the time eleven hits in the clock, his drowsiness getting the best of him and dragging him to the bed before he can even watch another episode. The fabrics are comfortable around his legs, the restriction from his jeans long gone and replaced with the sweet touch of relief. His black hair is made a mess, his skin still glistening with whatever skincare product he managed to put on his face with such sleepiness and still, he opens his eyes when he hears his charging phone vibrating on the bedside table. He should let it be, keep it as a nice touch for his early morning tomorrow, but his fingers move far too quickly, worry overtaking him when his eyes squint to look at the bright source of light.

Giving importance to someone in a few weeks of talking is stupid, but Ten knows the name of all of this—attraction, but the thought is often pushed to the back of his brain. Though his flirty remarks are there, he knows it is not a good idea to go out with someone like her, for she has never shown interest in that way and she is a huge believer of real love and fairytales.

Hence, the text.

Ugh, sorry, I was studying again. All I want to do is sleep and have someone cuddle me because my head is hurting so bad.

Their views about love are absolute different and Ten doesn’t understand the importance of intimacy past relief quite well. He doesn’t want to get the connection of two people through skin and soul, merely because it seems too unprotected, like all the walls a person could have holding up being torn for the mere action of feeling accompanied. That, he doesn’t understand, and most of their nights—and days—talking don’t consist of her imminent love for…well, love, but he knows that it is always in the back of her head. A love like one in the movies, like one in TV shows, a forever and always disguised as reality.

Haha, you should go rest now. Also, what’s your deal with cuddling and all those soft things? Too many rom-coms or what?

The joking manner is there, only highlighted by his emoticons and he gets the response equally as fast, probably because she is opting to go to bed, laying down against her sheets just like how he is doing in his own room.

I just want to experience it. Everyone talks about dating and being in love, it must be a good thing. Let me have my fun. Don’t be such a hater.

A scoff leaves his lips, the corner of them lifting up in a smile.

Love is overrated.

You have not fallen in love either, hush. Don’t judge it until you try! What makes you think it’s overrated?

He doesn’t remember falling asleep but once he opens his eyes in the peak of the morning when the Sun is barely peeking on the sky, his alarm ringing in his ears obnoxiously, his body frightens in fear of not charging his phone, only to be met by a fully charged battery—thankfully, and he sighs in glee at that, turning his alarm off in a hassle—and a text that has him laughing.

Never. And it’s just a gut feeling.

Maybe, his gut feeling is right…but there is always an exception to the rule.

🍕

“You’re telling me your favorite cinnamon rolls come from a food truck?”

After an entire month of talking is when Ten finally has the time—and the energy—to go out with his pizza-place-found friend. Not that she is any less tired, sporting a pair of sunglasses that now rests on top of her head, a perfect mask for the bags under her eyes after such tedious times in school and work. Radiant and beautiful, still, she is, though visibly stiff by the way her shoulders remain tight under the fabric of her patterned blouse. The streets of such a welcoming city are what surrounds them, the sidewalks filled with people in that side of town—as it turns out, there is a universe of street food that he has yet to know and she has a PhD in junk food knowledge. The conversation had started nicely, meeting at the nearest park before diverting their attention from formalities to asking about their lives whilst walking and finally, the most important, filling their stomachs in this meeting.

Meeting, since it’s not a date. She brought it up first…and never really called it a date, either.

His attire is different from the one she had seen him in at his workplace, though she has liked one or two of his Instagram posts. His pierced ears are shown by his hairstyle, moved back slightly by a bit of gel, though not too much. His usual red and bright uniform is changed for something simpler, a white graphic t-shirt tucked into his jeans, something that was complimented by his friend earlier on the night. His fingers hook on the strap of his backpack, dangling off one shoulder when she gives him a nod.

“So, you saw my group of friends the other day. Ash? She’s like the worst cook ever, and when we were roommates she would always bring me something from what she had for dinner. Sweet, really.” Though, Ten remembers hearing that Ash is also the same person that she said was the worst roommate she ever had. Too much of a mess and too clingy with her boyfriend, for someone who loves romance so much, she couldn’t stand the tiniest bit of public displays of affection. “She showed me this place once and it’s a pastry food truck. It’s so delicious. The old lady that owns it knows me and all.”

Ten raises his eyebrows at that, smirking at her words. “Wow, impressive. The lady from the food truck knows you.” The sarcasm in his voice, mixed with sassiness, has her groaning before pushing his side slightly, making him tumble a bit before regaining his balance. “Hey, I was joking!”

“Once you taste her cinnamon rolls you’re going to regret ever talking like that.” She tells him, already looking in the depths of her purse to find some money, leading the way in their little trip through the seas of people in such street. “It’s either eating that or we go buy some fruits to eat.”

Scrunching up his nose momentarily, he shrugs his shoulders as if it is nothing. “I never said anything against the old lady. I’m just saying you get so excited over the tiniest of stuff.” Contrary to what his words may sound like, the smile on his face is full of adoration, because she feels so wildly that she may be the culprit of innocence.

She looks at him with a bit of a frown over her face, her bottom lip jutting out when she speaks: “And that’s wrong?”

Her steps begin haltering, slower until they reach a pink and white food truck with donuts and pastries all painted on the walls. Indeed, there is an old lady inside the truck, peeking her head outside to look at the customers who arrive. However, Ten has a conversation at hand and his heart palpitates softly at the mere sight of her face, like she has been told that before. Excitement is always overlooked as overreaction and to see someone’s imminent smile at life is…something that is not expected to be found in the world. Why take that happiness away when it already lives beneath her? “That’s not wrong at all,” He tells her, the background filled with music coming from one of the food trucks a few miles away. “It’s admirable. I wish I could look at life the way you do.”

She chuckles at his words, something inside her eyes gleaming with happiness. “You’re okay as you are. People like me get hurt in the long run…but you…Ten, I don’t think you’re even able to get your heart broken. Now, that is admirable.”

Wrong she is, for one of the few times in her life, mainly because Ten tries to convince himself that through joking manners, the everlasting sassiness within him and this permanent fight against love, he is going to protect himself from a lot of things. Heartbreak, for once, coming from a broken goal or a time-lapse that wasn’t met. He thinks not feeling too much is the cure of weakness, but at the same time, there is a bit of curiousness within him. What happens to those people who simply feel? Who worry so much and love so much, who give their whole lives out for people and not for a goal. The closest thing he has ever felt for that is the romance he has with his own art, but he knows his own dream is controlled by his actions, for the dancefloor is not going to suddenly step on his heart for no apparent reason.

People do that a lot, even absentmindedly.

He has done it, too. The amount of people he has had to pull away from because he doesn’t feel as strongly for them as they do is there, a reminder that he has his devilish side, as well.

“Thank you?” Ten comments, laughing at her words and earning a nod from her before their conversation is rudely—or nicely, maybe—interrupted by the lady in the food truck. Her eyes are adorned by the wrinkles at the edges, rounded glasses resting on the bridge of her nose and dyed blonde hair covering her otherwise gray locks. An apron is tied around her waist, sweet like the paintings in the food-truck, but the smile she gives to her known client is almost diabetes inducing.

“Oh, you’re back with another boy! This one is prettier than that one you brought last time.”

She is a gorgeous woman…and in desperate need to experience whatever love is, so it is not surprising that she has gone in a few dates. In her words, she never goes past the first date and it has been like that for the past two or three years. She either gets tired of her date or they are absolutely bat-shit crazy. Nonetheless, the black haired young man takes that as an opportunity to lean over where she is, speaking loud enough for the lady and his friend to listen to him. “You already brought another guy here?”

A guilty smile appears on her face when she licks the inside of her cheek, looking over her shoulder to stare at Ten. “Yes. Why? Jealous?”

“Curious. You have to show me a picture of that guy so I can know what I’m being compared to.”

“Who you’re being compared to. You used the wrong word.”

“No, I meant what. All you date is trash, after all.”

Laughing at his words or perhaps at his antics, the two friends lift their gazes to look at the old lady who has a look of adoration over her face, practically spilling the dulcet taste of her pastries on her grin. “Hello! Yes, I brought my friend with me today. Can we have two cinnamon rolls and…two glazed donuts, please?”

The woman gets to work, picking up a paper bag with the food truck’s logo imprinted on it and picking out the pastries her client had ordered. “Just a friend?” Ten exchanges a glance with her, earning a shrug before they both confirm that they are just friends. “It’s none of my business…but you’re missing out. This young man is very pretty.”

When he wraps his fingers around the bag given to them, paying the entirety of it even when she tries to give her half of the money to the woman in front of her, he laughs at the compliment. “Thank you. That’s very nice of you.”

“Do you have some diet coke, too?” She asks before nudging Ten’s side. “Let me invite the drinks, at least.”

“I do!” The old woman indicates, reaching over for the drinks and receiving the money according to the prizes displayed behind her. The coldness of the bottle clings to his fingertips, his bones and joints aching slightly at how cold it is, watching when his friend pays for them before standing by his side. The walk starts soon after—not without forgetting to thank the old woman by the food truck—, step after step being followed by the sound of lids being twisted and the paper bag opening once they reach a nearby small table for them to sit at.

“Nice old lady.” Ten comments, taking a napkin to place the cinnamon roll over it and give it a bite, only to hear the sound of her chuckle.

“She’s not that nosy most of the time, but you must have reminded her of her young love affair or something.” Her eyes are fixated on him when he gives the first bite, her lips pressing down together out of nervousness. “Do you like it? They are my absolute favorites. I have them more than I pride myself on.”

The taste is flavorful, the almonds in the mix making the crunch a lot more pleasurable. The pastry is not too dry, leaving the lemon cream on top to coat it with a hint of bitterness, though necessary. The pastry hits the back of his tongue like a sonata, too much but at the same time everything he needed. “These are so good.”

“I have the best tastes.”

“Speaking of,” Ten says, pressing the corner of the napkin to his lips before leaning forward on his seat. The look on his face is of interest and she is halfway through chewing on her cinnamon roll, eyes looking at him with all the innocence in the world when he continues. “Who was that guy you brought here, as well? I should feel bad…but knowing you, you just did that because you were being too nice, as per usual, so I’ll let it slide.” Once again, he is mocking her and a gush of air leaves his lips when she kicks his calf under the table, softly, of course.

Her fingers push her phone out of her pocket, unlocking it as she speaks. “I went out on a date with a guy like five months ago. He was the nicest guy I’ve gone out on a date with, which is why I decided to bring him here for dessert.”

From his spot, Ten hums at her words. “And you weren’t the dessert?”

“No, Ten, I wasn’t.” Her eyes stop looking down at her phone to glare at him before breaking into laughter. “We didn’t even kiss or anything. His name is Cho and he’s a nurse, so he barely has time to…you know, go out on dates or whatever. We are friends right now.” The screen of her phone is showcased in front of his eyes, an Instagram account being shown to him. There, he sees a somewhat short and technically buff guy, with the most serious expression he has ever seen in his life—in reality, it would surprise Ten if this man has ever laughed in his life—. He wears glasses and scrubs, typical and taken out of a Grey’s Anatomy episode, though he is the exact type of person he would never imagine with the epitome of brightness. “That’s Cho. I mean…yes, you’re technically better looking, but he is opting for a masters and he is very serious. I think he is the type of man to settle down…and if he was not so busy, I’d go out on another date with him. See how it goes.”

“Does he ever smile?” Ten questions, earning a laugh from her part before she puts her phone down. The straw of her drink slips in between her lips, fruit too forbidden for him to look at even for the smallest of seconds, but the beauty of her is always in the back of his head.

“Not really, no.” The confirmation is all she needs.

“And you wanted to go out on a second date with him, just because…he is the type to settle down?”

“Isn’t that the whole point of me looking for someone?” Though, the way her smile suddenly shifts to face downwards is an indicator of her unhappiness. As far as he knows, and from what he can realize, there is more to her than simply looking for a man—she knows her worth as an individual, spending quality time with the people that make her feel the most at ease and bettering herself with knowledge the more she grows, but there is always that prick of curiousness in the form of a voice. “To settle down and look for the closest thing to a…I don’t know, real love?”

In most occasions, Ten jokes around with the people he enjoys talking to—he thinks life is more enjoyable if he just smiles at everything and shares his happiness with people, even if it’s remotely small or big. This is not one of those moments because the least Ten wants to do is laugh at her, contrary to what anyone would believe. He may not believe in love, but what may be an invisible ghost for him may be salvation for someone else. “Listen, love is a great thing for some people…if it even exists, to start with.” For the first time, she doesn’t give her opinion on the matter, simply munching on her food. “But that’s not a reason for you to settle for anyone, much less someone whose only personality trait is being…able to settle down. The point of looking for someone is that you enjoy yourself, too.” Her eyes stare up to look at him, her eyebrows magically drawn together in what seems to be surprise to hear him speak so seriously. “If you really liked this Cho guy, the least you would think about is that he wants to settle down. You would be talking about how funny he is or something, or like…how caring he is. Maybe, how he likes certain stuff you don’t or how he’s a nurse because he wants to save lives, like…is being serious all you can seem to notice?”

Crossing her arms over her chest, she bites down on her bottom lip. “What’s the point, though?” Before Ten could answer, she gives a piece of her mind. “I’m looking for the perfect guy everywhere, but I never find him. I just— He’s the best I could find, that has to mean something.”

Taking a long sip of his drink, he responds soon after. “Yes. It means you are like any human being and make mistakes when dating. That’s normal.”

“I thought you said I had bad tastes.”

“That, too.” Soon after, the atmosphere switches to something more lightweight and Ten locks her phone before giving it back, placing it atop her hand delicately. “You don’t have to date without wanting to just to get the romance experience. You’re worth of loving and someone will arrive that will love you as much as you want to be loved.”

Looking up at the stars in the sky, drenching holes in the pure black sky, she smiles at his words before shaking her head. “Don’t tell me those things if you don’t want me to cry,” The words get choked up by her chuckle and Ten reaches over to open the bag of treats, holding his glazed donuts in between sugar and cinnamon coated fingertips while he listens to her voice, the beauty of naivety shining from within her soul. “You’re one sweet guy even though you try to make yourself look like a jerk, you know that?”

“I am.” He tells her, taking a big bite of his donut. “But we’re not getting full with only these two things. We should go grab some real food. Is there any food-truck with, like, something very good?”

“And then you try to drift the attention away from you being sweet.” She points out and the apples of Ten’s cheeks burn in embarrassment as he laughs at her words, nodding his head because he can only accept it. For someone who prides himself in his lack of feelings, he does get attached to people—not necessarily showing how much he appreciates them at any given time, but telling their reality straight to their face in order to protect them is more of his way of showing his admiration. Using the paper bag to hold the donut, she looks around the street as she thinks of the possibilities. “Huh, get ready, because I’m making you have the best food you’ve tried in your life.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“Oh, I’m confident.”

The way she speaks after that…with such excitement and joy to live and breathe and love is simply what has Ten so intrigued to get to know her even more. Something about her was different, though not wronged, as if she made her purpose to give and give, expecting nothing in return. Those type of people didn’t exist that much anymore, or at least, he hasn’t met plenty of them…but it is a joy to watch someone like that exist at the same time as him, uniting them in threads of interest, of friendship, maybe attraction from his part, but once again, his conscience murders the thought before it can really settle. Someone like her wants true love, and Ten is just not the material for it.

🍕

A thousand odes of hatred he had written to the day his heart beat so loudly that he felt like he couldn’t even breathe and May welcomes him with such a feeling, laughter getting confused with the roaring of small engines going from one corner to the other, the mini version of a road welcoming him with the faux white lights on the ceiling, adrenaline in its minimal form. The feeling overcomes him when he is behind the steering wheel, speeding through the lapses and smiling at the world from under his helmet, thinking of himself as a racer until someone does the absolute most to make him laugh, someone’s car bumping right in the back of his own go-kart, repeatedly as that certain person mocks him:

“Whoa, is the talented Ten scared of racing with a go-kart?”

The lively tone in her voice shouldn’t have brought a flutter to his chest but it is to be expected; most of the time, he only gets to talk to her through the phone, mainly in texts that go back and forth between the two, with big hours of differences thanks to their busy schedules, but when he does get to hear her voice, it feels like he is living the best day of his life. A bump on his car makes his chest press against the steering wheel, looking over his shoulder to catch a sight of her expression and the giggle she gives him is not visible through the helmet. When she had told him that she loved to go-kart (“One of my friends works at a go-kart place. If we go after eight, we’ll get the whole experience by ourselves and we can do whatever we want.”), he had expected her to be respectful and sweet, like she normally is, but that was proven wrong quite rapidly.

“Stop bumping my car.” Ten adds in between laughter, only to feel another small nudge to the back of his car. It is not forceful, rather a little touch that has him frowning. “Hey, I said stop!” Stepping on the pedal to move back, now it is his go-kart that collides with hers, earning a small hiss from the woman.

“Did you just hit my car?”

“Uh, yeah. Get out my way.” Though he is laughing, enjoying himself so profoundly that he feels like it may be sinful. This is not how he feels when he hangs around with the annoying guy from the jewelry store in front of his workplace, Wong Yukhei, neither is it what he feels when he speaks to his closest of friends. It is not the tingly feeling of attraction…entirely, there is something more in there, something that he doesn’t want to name in fear of knowing what it is. Nicely felt it is, though he tries to ignore it. He continues to go forward, parking in front of her friend just in time to hear the roaring of her engine beside him, getting out of her go-kart and taking off her helmet, the strands of her hair made a mess and falling over her face when she hears him speak. “Did you even learn how to drive?!”

“I did,” Her helmet rests against her hips, the skin leaning to one side of her body before nearing him and tugging the helmet away from his face. “You look so cool with this thing on.”

His fingers run through his hair, taking the time to rub at his scalp before giving her a shameful smile. “So do you.” Her hands reach for his, bringing him up until he is standing away from the go-kart and right in front of her. “But I don’t think I want to race you again. Like, do you drive like that in real life? I’m scared of even riding with you!”

He feels the gaze of her friend trailing back behind them as they start to walk away from the go-karts. The second of May shouldn’t feel this good, a Saturday shouldn’t have such meaning…but with how tired she has been lately and how draining one of her classes has been, taking all the happiness she has and turning it into anger, he can’t help but want to make her feel better. She does so, too, claiming that they would have fun if they went out to race. She wasn’t wrong, sincerely. “You’re the one that was going so slow. You reminded me of a grandpa.”

Nudging her side, Ten watches as she chuckles before he grips her arm, bringing him back to where he is standing. “You’re learning all the bad things from me.”

“Why?”

“You wouldn’t have said that in February, for example, but no, you take all my asshole traits and make them your own.”

“I’m a good actress.” She comments, now taking a seat on the floor near the entrance, opening her backpack to get her water bottle out, taking a sip of it before giving the source of liquid to the man by her side. Ten takes the time to look at her, more disheveled that he has ever seen her, sweat clinging to her forehead, her lips so tightly holding on to its happiness that he could dance to the sound of her laughter. This is how he likes to see her, enjoying her life. “By the way, you’re going to be proud of me.” Her hand gets lost inside his bag once again but before she could show him whatever it was that would make him proud, Ten intervened.

“I’m already proud of you.” He utters, voice a little bit rough after taking such a big gulp of water. “But sure, tell me. What would make me proud?”

Clearing her throat, she unlocks her phone. “Well, you see, I posted a picture like two days ago. That one picture you took of me when we went out to the art museum?” He nods his head, recalling the image of her in front of a painting, a muse for the lens in his hands. “Well, Cho liked it and he sent me a direct message soon after.” He doesn’t know why his jaw tightens or why his smile disappears, why he feels like he is hearing news that leave a bitter taste on his tongue, but that is exactly how it feels. Jealous, that’s what takes over him, what turns his body in nothing more than a possessed soul. “And he was asking to meet up with me again in a date, but I told him I couldn’t because I don’t feel that way for him.”

His heart may have shattered; out of happiness, in a mocking manner or simply because he hates whatever is that keeps him tangled to her, but his eyes widen at her words…because the biggest romanticist in the world had given up romance thanks to an advice he had given her. “Yes?” He asks, earning a hum from her part as she shows him the messages. “And what did he say? Was he cool?”

“You’re right,” In any other occasion, she may have pouted at those words, but instead, she is welcoming the mistakes that come in the name of love. “I do like jerks. He blocked me after that.”

“…Asshole.” Ten spits, noticing how their shoulders are touching, eyes lifting to lock gazes with her before he realizes just how there is nothing left unclear in her gaze. The communication in between the two, of peacefulness and gratitude, shows through the brightness of her eyes and her lips part slightly to give him one of those tight lipped half-smiles.

“I’m glad I got out of that mess.”

“So am I.” He claims, feeling her fingers patting his thigh before her figure stands up in front of him.

“Let’s go for another round.” Her voice opts to say, Ten’s palms digging into the floor to lift his weight up. His fingers dust his jeans just in case he got any dirt on them, just in time to hear her speak something that he had repeated a thousand times. “You’re right. Love doesn’t even exist.”

His mind melts at the sound of those words, trying to come up with an answer that is valid, but instead he continues with something that sounds like the type of person he is. “You need something to believe in. Just because I don’t believe in it doesn’t mean you can’t.”

I don’t believe in it.

I don’t believe in love.

Love doesn’t exist.

Ten tries to repeat that inside his head by the time their meeting is over, left with the tingling sensation of her arms wrapped around him and he cusses himself for ever getting attached. He doesn’t even believe what his mind is trying to tell him, hormones mixing with matters of the heart and the mind. She is the one that believes in this, not him.

Love doesn’t exist.

🍕

White. Purple. Blue. All these colors splay across the masses of people in the dance floor, the sound of the bass thumping against every corner of his body, ribs and heart becoming one with the music. Not only is the fabric of her dress capturing all these lights, coating the satin dress in endless colors even though its plain shade remains black, but his eyes are constantly checking the beauty of her. Normally, the dance club is often visited by him whenever his friends from the dance studio invite him, and if he’s not too tired, he’ll pop by to have a drink or two and enjoy the music that makes people coexist in peace, but this time around, he decides to bring his friend with him. Unlike him, who is cladded in a white t-shirt with a nice jacket over it, his most expensive shoes indicating his invite to the dance floor, she looks pristine, white cropped sweater resting on top of her satin dress that is not falling in the middle of her thighs.

A couple of people give a few steps back and that is enough to shorten the space in between the two, her back colliding against his front as they look for a place in which they can finally dance the night away. He had promised that much, at least, always having to read her texts about how she really wants to see him dance in person—not through a video on Instagram, not through those self-made videos he sends her of a new routine he came up with for a future presentation, but body to body, eyes to eyes, skin to sin. Ten is eager, too, wanting to show the most passionate side of himself to her, the one who always speak about her favorite pieces of art, her love for adrenaline, the burst of dopamine becoming thrilling for him.

“You didn’t tell me it was this crowded.” She spoke, looking over her shoulder for her words to reach him. Ten looks into her eyes, their faces nearing thanks to the action, though his hand goes up to rest on her waist, wrapping the entirety of his arm around it and caging them to the nearest wall so the group of dancing individuals could pass by without stepping on their feet.

“It’s Friday night and I guess…people may feel like dancing.” Bringing his bottle of soda up his lips, he takes a brief sip before humming softly. His touch is still lingering within her, noticing how her breathing matches his when his chest presses to her back. “Which we should do about now. I brought you here to show you how to dance properly, didn’t I?”

This time, she turns around, her hands clasped in front of her with such excitement and glee that she might burst the skin there. “I’m so excited. I’ve never been in a place like this.”

“It’s nothing different from a club, just that better dancers frequent it.” The atmosphere is enough to bring confidence to him, smiling as he tugs at her arm and brings her closer. Music is a part of him, the part that speaks the loudest and bleeds the strongest, the one that shows the reality of Ten—the sentimentalism, the spark, the bite, everything about him that makes him both rugged but also extremely soft. The eyes of people are used to settle on him thanks to his enchanting nature, his charismatic way of fixing every occasion and making it memorable, but the way she looks at him is soft, like she sees something that he never knew existed within him. “I, for one, am one of those dancers.”

She nods her head, once again being pushed by someone until her chest is pressed directly to Ten’s, her hands carefully resting on his waist to keep her from falling. Once the person goes away, she lets out a huff. “You are one of those dancers but way more polite. You didn’t tell me they were like this.”

“It happens. People are buzzed around here.” He comments, shrugging his shoulders before crooking his elbow for her to wrap her arm around it. She does without him having to tell her anything about it, too. “We have to make ourselves be respected, so we have to find a nice spot and just dance, that’s all.” His hands are a shelter, keeping her away from the people around them, roaming through the depths of drunken messes that are in the dance floor until they find a somewhat secluded spot, nearer to the center.

“I’m so glad you brought me here.” She tells him, feeling him tug at the edge of her sweater to pull her closer, her hands sneaking around his neck at that time. It’s the first time they are so close and in reality, Ten doesn’t mind the proximity, but what he does mind is the matter in which his heart seems to be freaking out about such a simplistic gesture. “I’m sorry I look a bit out of place. I didn’t know if the place was going to be cold or hot!”

“You look cute.” Ten tells her, looking at someone from the corner of his eyes when he feels like there is a person watching them and indeed, life smacks him in the face when he sees a guy looking at them, dancing slightly as he keeps his eyes on Ten’s friend. His gaze returns to the woman in front of him, clearing his throat. “There is a guy looking at you and he’s not bad looking.”

Most of the time, she is flattered by the subtlest of things, but this time around…when Ten really does think that she is going to turn back to look at the man that he is talking about, she doesn’t do anything impressive. It takes two steps forward for them to be even more together, her smile permanent on her features. “And? I came here with Ten, not with that guy.”

Now, the one who is flattered is himself and he is thankful of the dark room for hiding the blushing tips of his ears and the glistening cheeks that accompany her statement after it has been released to the world. Their world, in which only the two of them exist. “Oh, okay. I like that.” His bottom lip is stuck in between his teeth until he places his hands on the edge of her hands that are resting behind his head. “Do you want to slow dance? This is not how you normally dance in a place like this.”

Embarrassment takes over her features and she pulls away just the slightest, though her arms are placed on each side of his jaw. “It was your idea to teach me, so teach me.” For one second, he sees the mischief gleaming in her eyes and it is at that moment that he sees the power she holds over him, so capable of destroying his own world with her own sweetness. Sure, he is certain that she would never do such thing to him—not even absentmindedly—but she has invented this new part of himself that he can’t even recognize anymore. “Teach me a dance for girls.” The way she drags the world brings him a flashback of the time he sent her videos and pictures of him as a child, even though his awkwardness was eating him alive at the time, making him cringe at the reputation he was painting for himself. His fingers move her long earrings away from her face slightly before shaking his head.

“You said you would never mention it again!”

“But I’m a girl and I need to be taught a dance for girls.” Her lips pucker up slightly and Ten rolls his eyes, groaning when she laughs harder.

“It’s not funny.” He complains, though the smile on his face is his accessory whenever he is with her. This sweet, dulcet, overbearing taste in his mouth is obsessive and he hates it with his every being, knowing that if he gets too close he is going to become one of those people he used to groan at. What is more important, his pride…or whatever he feels for her, just not to say the name?

“To me, it is.”

His finger ghost over her waist, tickling her slightly before resting his hands there. “So mean.”

The worst part of it all is that he can’t get mad at her, not when she follows after his steps and does her best to become one with the thing he loves the most. At the end of the night, even when the electronic music is asking for loud stomping on the floor and loud cheering, he is simply slow dancing in the middle of a bunch of strangers, holding someone who holds the rawest, less known part of him and it’s so scary that he can simply smile through it, hoping that the devil of love never reaches him.

🍕

The beige curtains of his room move with the breeze coming from the air conditioner, to one side and the other, basically dozing Ten with an ounce of sleepiness, his eyes closing momentarily before he jolts awake once again, his fingers digging into the skin of the muscles on his legs, pained thanks to the huge amounts of practicing and the new motorcycle the boss at the pizza place had bought for the new delivery guy. Big surprise, the delivery guy got stomach sick at the end of the night and he had to run the last few errands at the shop while trying his hardest not to get into a crash.

Messily tied is his hair over his head and his phone hasn’t even vibrated with the hope of getting a ray of sunshine in his day. She said that she was busy earlier in the day, talking about a few projects from work that have only been piling up and she needs to get a signature from god-knows-who, meaning that she won’t even be a nice distraction from the night. Not even a distraction, Ten is genuinely worried about her…sometimes, she simply forgets to give herself breaks or she blames herself for a bad day, saying that anything that the world does wrongly is her fault. Some days, he wants her to stop giving so much and instead, asking something in return. Some days, Ten considers leaving his selfish ways behind simply to give her everything she deserves, which is exactly what she needs and desires. She is not perfect, perhaps too bright, too naïve, ready to take the lightning strike of the world only for the sake of settling well in people’s list of most loved people, but that is who she is…and Ten can’t say he doesn’t like it.

He really does like it, more than he prides himself on believing.

When he feels himself giving up on his stupid and useless self-massage, his ears make out the sound of his phone vibrating on his bedside table, but the call is cut short before he can even reach it. His fingers hook on the edge of the phone, unlocking it and trying to call the contact that had just called him, her name bringing worry immediately…that or the biggest feeling of longing. If they haven’t talked in a while, it has been even longer since the last time he saw her.

A text welcomes him after she hangs up the call, bright and straight in its delivery.

Sorry, I dialed the wrong number. Didn’t mean to bother you.

And of course, he replies:

You’re never a bother.

What he doesn’t expect, though, is for her to lie to him. Lie to him so innocently that it seems like the type of white lies a child would tell, something that she is not even good at doing. His alarm goes off obnoxiously, a tired breath going through his nose as he ponders when a day of relaxation is going to come by. All he has done for the past few years is dance and work, dance and work, in hopes of someday being able to do more than serving pizzas and concentrate on his dream, but as it turns out, he has not met that goal yet. His naked arms trail up until they rest over his eyes, right after snoozing the terrible sound that had filled the room, silky skin of his fingertips rubbing up and down his face, soon after patting on the surface of his bedside table, turning on his phone and being welcomed by the notification of a new voice message…and from the person who had said that had dialed the wrong number.

But he doesn’t have much time to listen to the long voicemail, so his phone rests peacefully over his bed as he starts to get ready for the day, the sound of her voice becoming background noise as he looks for a new pair of underwear, a fresh set of practice clothes for him to feel comfortable and in a minute, he must check if he packed his uniform inside his backpack—

“Uh, Ten, hi…I know you’re asleep by now…I actually didn’t want you to pick up.” The voicemail recalls, the sound of her laughter coming in nervous spurts. “Ah, I’m not brave enough to do this, but I’m doing it because I can’t actually lie and just—let me explain a few things first.” His weight leans against his closet, the fabric of the clothes he is going to wear for the day pressed to his chest. “You have taught me so much in the past few months. You taught me how to love myself past finding romance, you taught me that…guys aren’t shit.” He chuckles at her words, blinking softly at the device on his bed. “Okay, not really, I learned that myself. You taught me love isn’t real…and then, you…” A soft breath leaves her lips, shaky in its execution. “You told me one day I was worth loving, right, and from then on…I loved myself more. Sure, I wouldn’t say I’m all the way there…but…I realize my worth now and I was thinking one of these days that the only person I feel like is worth of all this mess I am, uh, it’s someone I know. That person is you, Ten.” His body moves forward when he hears those words, hands shaking as he grasps his phone in between his hands, frowning down at the name she is giving to what he thought was unwarranted. “It’s taking all in me to say this and you can ignore this, you can pretend I never said this and we can keep being friends after this, but I really wanted to ask you out on a date. Not when we first met, and I’m not doing it because I want a boyfriend. I’m doing it because I really, really, really, really like you as a person.” The sound of something shuffling in the background can only match the sound of jumping. Perhaps, she did that because she was nervous. “So yeah, that’s that. I’m here, I was going to tell it to you through the phone but I chickened out. I like you and I want to take you out on a date. Uh…you can call me, or not, that’s okay. Bye.”

That is so like anything he would have thought she would do when she likes someone. Cheesy, nervous, giggly and everything he used to hate. He can’t say he doesn’t despise love…because he does, and it will always be that way. He hates romantic comedies and love songs, but he also loves watching TV shows with her and singing to those songs as they walk around the city. In other people, it seems so utterly scary, so terrifyingly compromised that it makes him want to run away…but denying her a date is like denying her the heaven she deserves. The worst part is that his gift for ‘break-up season’, the season he enjoys the most because he can get a boost of his ego by proving he is right in his love theories, gave him a taste of his own medicine.

…The season of heartbreak proved him wrong. Or at least, everything seems far too peachy to ever end badly.

With a smile on his face and his body plopping down on the bed, he rings her phone, hoping that she picks up even if it’s too early to even be giving this call. The phone rings slightly until he hears her mumbling his name uncertainly, definitely sleepy as she does so, until he can’t even hide it anymore.

He’s not in love, but he likes her a lot…and that’s just enough for now. He is not going to spare himself the pleasure of trying it out.

“Where are you taking me, baby?”

February is break-up season, but June is the season of a new start for Ten.

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kingofthewilderwest · 3 years

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OK, so not everyone has to like THW and that's fine. Opinions are subjective. But if you haven't noticed, there's this one person on this being aggresive and abusive about her opinion on this site and it's getting really annoying. What do you think we should do about it?

I’m sorry you’re running into someone like that. I haven’t seen it but I am not surprised. Maybe you’ve heard others say what I’m about to say, but it’s the best I can say. The best thing y’all can do is don’t engage with her and block her. That way she can’t follow your blog, reblog your posts, send you unwanted asks, etc. The goal is not to get that person to shut up because chances are she won’t, and any of your attempts to shut her up will instead add fuel to the fire. The goal is to make sure you don’t have to see her. Take control of and monitor your own internet space and community. You can warn some of your friends about her and advise them to block her too.

Usually trying to fight back with someone like that will just make things worse with everyone. It rarely silences anyone; it turns into a game of backlashing and escalating animosity. If you respond harshly, she may take that as the challenge of an enemy, of being persecuted for her thoughts (no matter how true or untrue that may be), and see all the MORE reason to be aggressive and abusive about her opinions. Of course there’s exceptions and times to speak up (either to shut down someone saying truly horrendous fodder, or to calmly teach a young person how to properly socialize), but in most situations, I find that to protect yourself and to protect others, the best thing you can do is block and move on. There’s a power in not letting someone have a witnessed platform, by letting their rude ravings be met with resounding silence. But more importantly: it means you’re no longer involved.

The worst idiot I ever had to deal with on tumblr was someone who would send me about a dozen hate mail messages a day, up to gruesome death threats. If I blocked one account, she’d make a dozen more, and repeat the process of continuing to send hate mail. I didn’t respond to her asks, and eventually, she quit messaging me, because without me responding to her, there was no fire being rekindled, no new wars to be fought over the latest things I’d said. Many people will know who I’m vaguely mentioning, because she was the wildest damn thing I’ve ever seen in any community space in my life, and if I wrote a book about her, no one would believe something that ridiculous could be true. I still sometimes pray for her because it’s obvious that, under all her animosity, she was fighting something horrible in her personal life. It took a long time for that idiot to run out of steam, but she did. Responding to her made it worse, so seriously, please, don’t do that. I don’t care how annoyed you are. Please don’t fall to the temptation. It can hurt you and it can hurt others. It’s not worth it.

If your aggressive “friend” truly is that obnoxious in the fandom, chances are the fandom will spread the word through private messages and shared knowledge to help each other out, and the smart people will curate their spaces so that she’s not part of their online life. Peace can and will come. I’m very sorry for your frustrations and I hope that stressful situations die down soon. <3 Love you, dragon nerds. Stay awesome like I know you are. <3

#httyd fandom #httyd #How to Train Your Dragon #ask #ask me #anonymous #awesome anonymous friend

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ravenforce · 4 years

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Cheating Death V

Warning/s: None.

Summary: Carol vs. Angry!Obnoxious!Reader, the showdown.

A/N: I don’t know if this is worth your time. Sorry. </3

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 6

You groaned when Cass pulled the blanket off of your head, and Megan pulled your blackout curtains apart.

“Get up,” Cass ordered the same way she would order Stephanie.

“Fuck off, Cain. I’m not in the mood.” Megan chuckled from your window ledge. Cass shoots her a quick glare.

“You know that I would if I could but your sisters demand your presence at breakfast. We have visitors.”

You groaned long and loud before sitting up reluctantly. “What part of I’m not in the mood you didn’t understand?”

Had it been anyone else, they would have backed away and run in fear as bright green swirled behind your eyes, and a green aura starts to sip out of your skin. Thankfully, Cass and Megan wasn’t just anyone else.

“We understand you’re hurting but you can’t stay here forever?” Megan quipped sympathetically.

In an instant, your friends watch the light in your eyes goes back to normal, and your shoulder dropped in defeat. You sighed looking at your hands. You can still see all the blood you have to wash off the night prior. It’s not the first time but it was the worst so far.

“Tell my sister, I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Cass just nodded before walking towards your door. Megan, on the other hand, walked towards you first to give you a comforting soft kiss on the top of your head.

“You can get through this, again, Y/N,” she said before following Cass out of your room.

You plopped back down on your bed after Megan closed the door behind her, and stared at the ceiling.

“How much more can you take, Y/N?”

***

You can already hear people talking rather aggressively inside the dining hall. The two guards posted outside moved to open the door for you but you waved them off. You can already feel the impending headache from all the alcohol you and your friends consumed after killing those gang members. You leaned your forehead against the cool, hardwood to centre yourself before facing your sisters and your impending doom. That’s when you heard the last voice you want to hear, like ever, questioning your sisters about the incident at the club last night.

Your blood started to boil. Headache gone, sadness forgotten. You pushed the double door with more force necessary, making everyone stop and turn towards you.

“What’s all the fuss?” you asked innocently. You regarded everyone in the room including the Bucky and Wanda, except for Carol.

You sat between your friends and across your sisters, ignoring the questioning looks on their faces. The room is tense, no one was eating. You knew it was rude but you reached for the toasts and jam anyway. Talia frowned at your behaviour but you ignored her. You’ll suffer their wrath for what you have done, might as well go through it with a full stomach.

“You -” Carol yelled, making you flinch before glaring at her.

“Please lower your voice -” You paused to take a bite on your toast. “I’m nursing a hangover.”

“You -” Carol tried again. You leaned back on your chair, crossing your leather-clad leg over the other, and intentionally chewing loud to annoy the blonde.

“Can you be more articulate, Captain?” You asked obnoxiously, making sure to enunciate her title using Osiris’ voice.

Carol balled her hands against her side. “You’re the one who killed those gang members last night,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Bold accusations but do you have proof?” Your voice thick with sarcasm.

“Stop fucking with me,” she said through gritted teeth. Everyone bristled at the language, including her cavalry.

“Carol -” Wanda whispered nervously. You, on the other hand, placed your toast delicately on your plate before levelling Carol with a stare.

“Sorry but you’re not my type.” Megan and Cass couldn’t help the giggle that crawled out of them, earning a glare from your sisters. “But seriously, if you’re not here to arrest me, get the fuck out.”

This time, it was Talia and Nyssa who almost berated you for your choice on vocabulary but they can see something is off with you. They had to look harder from their distance across the table but they finally saw the green swirling behind your stormy eyes and they knew that you let go of control.

“I’ll get you. I swear I’ll get you,” Carol warned while Wanda and Bucky quietly talk to your sisters.

“For what?” Your carefully constructed facade of nonchalance is fading away, the longer you have to spend in Carol’s presence. Leaving cracks for your pain, envy, and anger to sip through. “For doing your job? Aren’t you supposed to be cleaning up the streets? Yet the Vipers and other factions run rampant in your city, and doing all their illegal shit right under your noses.”

By the time you finish, the green aura around you is almost visible to human eyes making Bucky and Wanda take a step back. Before Carol can come up with a retort, the door to the dining hall opened and came waltzing in the one person you wanted to see in the entire universe.

Natasha stopped in her tracks. “Y/N?” She asked confused.

You stared at the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever had the chance to look at, and for the first time in the past few days, you smiled. “Hi,” was all you can say because, after all the years that you’ve been separated, she’s still the only woman who can take your breath away.

#drabble #mini series #dc x marvel characters #avengers imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanov x reader #natasha romanova x reader #black widow x reader #scarlett johansson x reader #natasha romanoff x carol danvers #carol danvers x natasha romanoff #black widow imagine #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanov imagine #natasha romanova imagine #scarlett johansson imagine #cheating death series #cheating death #raven writes

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thumb3l1n4 · 3 years

Text

Thoughts on chapter #293 (AKA a very long post)

I made a post when chapter #292 came out and one person replied with "I love how everyone thinks that villain stans automatically agree with and condone the villains' actions". I don't think myself to be a villain stan, although I do love Horikoshi's villains, since they're all amazingly interesting characters. There are villains that I feel very compassionate to: Shigaraki, Dabi, Twice, Spinner and Toga. And I could instantly relate to Stain's philosophy, while being totally turned off by his actions. I don't think villain stans condone the violent actions of their favorite characters, I'm sorry if my previous post made people believe I do. But from the most recent releases I gathered that there is maybe a small fraction of villain stans that aren't really seeing the intricacies of the full picture. I don't mean this in a bad way: this is definitely the villains' time to shine and I know we were all waiting for the big Dabi-Endeavor showdown since theories were thrown around, so it's normal to be hyper-focused in what our favorite character is doing or what's happening with them. It's easy to forget that there are times and places where it's safe to show our compassion. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda annoyed that some villain stans seem to want the heroes to show compassion to Dabi right now, while they're in the middle of a battle that would decide the sorts of their society. Thanks to Dabi's speech, the civilian's faith in their "picture-perfect" system is crumbling (well, I hope so, because their society sucks on so many levels) and Best Jeanist, who was bashed for absolutely no reason all over Twitter last week, before the official translation was out, knew that that was Dabi's intention all along. Tōya could have told his own story right after Stain's video came out, if he so wanted. He chose to join the League, instead, because as we know now, he might have thought that he would have a better chance to kill Shōto, that way. I can't blame Tōya AT ALL for wanting and needing to see Endeavor, finally, rightfully, punished. However, Dabi throwing the compassion card around in the middle of a life-and-death situation (a situation where his main end-goal is to hurt people), is just peak manipulation...

... Which is awesome for a villain!

It's less awesome if you're standing on the Heroes' side and you're hearing about all the years of abuse that a colleague of yours put his family through, for the first time. I want to note that not a single Hero, till now, has said that they do not believe Dabi (not that I recall, at least). I saw one comment on Tumblr saying they didn't like that Best Jeanist used the word "dirty laundry", the chapter before, but I don't think the Hero said it in disrespect. I think it had more to do with Dabi's intentions behind revealing his truth, than Best Jeanist not believing him, or worse, dismissing him as a victim. Dabi's truth was called "dirty laundry" because Tōya didn't use it to seek justice, for himself and his family, but rather to get revenge on everyone, to create chaos and to excuse his own criminal actions. It's a truth tainted by hatred, not in the sense that fans of the manga and the Heroes should just forget about it: his past and pain are very, very real and Dabi and the rest of the villains need help. But the Heroes cannot take the time to feel sorry for their enemies, right at this moment, because if they do, that's the end. That's kinda what happened between Toga and Uraraka: she needs to stop Toga because while hurting people might come natural to the villain, that's not a healthy way to live. Toga didn't ask to be the way she is, and as a Hero, it should be Uraraka's job to give her the chance to get the treatment she didn't get as a child, that would teach Toga how to deal with her natural urges in a way that is not harmful to anyone. Mind you, Toga didn't seem to like the idea of conforming herself to anyone else's expectations, so she might not want the therapy. Uraraka would still need to give her all to stop the villain, no matter how sorry she actually feels inside for her.

If the villains win, the Heroes will not be able to rectify their society. Only after this fight ends and villains are taken into custody, it would be safe for the Heroes to show their honest reactions to Dabi's revelation. Only then we can hope to see them caring for the villains' health and their truths and possibly demand that Endeavor turns himself in (I actually want him to do so on his own, without external input). The Heroes aren't being heartless, if that's what some villain stans are thinking. They simply do no have the luxury to let Dabi's words manipulate them into feeling bad for him during a fight, because innocent people's lives are at stake here and just because Tōya had a horrible childhood, it doesn't mean that he's gonna care and let those innocent people be. Dabi wants to see the WHOLE world burn.

Onto Deku, now, the second character in two weeks accused by some, of being an abuse apologist.

He's the first character EVER to confront Endeavor on his treatment of Shōto, after seeing how his own classmate was spiralling and hurting himself, because Shōto didn't want to use HIS OWN Quirk to prevent himself from quite literally freeze to death, all because of Endeavor's abuse.

Deku has always wanted to follow All Might's steps and like All Might, he wishes to be able to save everyone in need. Toshinori, however, already told him that that's not realistic and Deku accepted the fact that he can only save the people in need that he's able to reach and as we saw with Shōto, Kota and Eri, he's ready to lay out his own life and break every single bone in his body to do so. He's so determined to save people, even against the worst of odds, that he can twist fate. I think it's exactly this determination of his that made him speak out this time, not only for Shōto, but for Endeavor, too. Do I like that Deku cares? Yes, I'm glad that people like Deku exist, people that genuinely care and wish and pray for criminals to regret what they've done so they can have a chance to right their wrongs and become a better person. Do I think Deku would stop Endeavor from turning himself in or defend Endeavor in front of the other Heroes so they don't take him away and bring him to justice? I might be wrong, Horikoshi can still make a fool out of me, but I don't think so. Deku knows the years of abuse are there and they will never go away. Deku is also the guy who told off Natsuo for trying to make Shōto feel resentful towards their father, when Shōto was somewhat past that and only wanted to heal. Deku recognized that the siblings have all different ways to deal with trauma and told Natsuo that his feelings are valid, but he can't push them onto Shōto, because Shōto's feelings on the matter are just as valid, even if they don't align with those of his big brother.

Just like villain stans can feel compassion towards Dabi because of his past, while being repulsed by his criminal actions in the present, Deku can feel repulsed by Endeavor's abuse of his own family and still see that a part of him (no matter how little it is) wishes to be a better human being. Deku didn't say that Endeavor should be automatically forgiven for his past actions, no one can deny that the abuse still has serious repercussions for every Todoroki involved (yes. EVERY). But the thing with Deku is that once he's seen this tiny, barely-even-there, light in you, he will fight to save you. I don't think that the people calling Deku an abuse apologist are giving his intuition or insight enough credit.

Dabi's not Endeavor: this means that Deku hasn't seen anything in this fight that might hint to Tōya wanting to be saved. Again, the same thing happened between Toga and Uraraka. And sadly, even Twice and Hawks (Hawks miscalculated sooo bad there). It's unfortunate that phrases like "you can only save someone if they want to be saved" and "you cannot help someone who refuses to be helped" still apply to this world, but that's the ugly truth and I'm sure that to someone like Deku that's a very hard and bitter pill to swallow. Endeavor said he wants to right his wrongs: in my opinion, he's still got a lot of work to do, since he should have really started it all off by being honest to everyone about his actions and let justice do its course. During this battle I'm forced to recognize (like Deku does) that Endeavor might actually be able to reedem himself, after actually atoning for his crimes. I cannot say the same for Dabi, because he doesn't want to atone for the bad things he has done. I didn't see Deku's speech as him excusing Endeavor's abuse to his victim or conceding the point to Tōya, that Heroes don't care about villains. I saw it as Deku telling Dabi to stop using his own abuse as an excuse to hurt other victims (Shōto, Natsuo, Fuyumi and Rei) because as harsh as it sounds, Tōya can't demand compassion for his own pain while being uncapable of showing compassion to his own little brother. Maybe Tōya doesn't actually know everything that Shōto has suffered through, maybe he thinks that his little brother got lucky with his Quirk and didn't have it as bad as he did. That's not his place to say. Dabi is making a contest out of their family's pain, trying to declare which Todoroki got it worse (clearly believing that it's him and that that allows him to do whatever he wants to, now), so I reiterate: he can't ask for compassion in the middle of the battle and the Heroes are actually doing the right thing, not letting themselves being manipulated like that and basically forfeiting the fight.

AFTER this arc ends, I truly hope to see the Heroes showing their compassion for the villains. I hope they would get rid of that obnoxious Hero Ranking and that the society would stop festering the idea that only certain Quirks and their users are strong and valuable and deserving of a voice. I hope they could change their world so that people like Tenko, Tōya, Jin, Himiko and Shuichi are able to ask for help AND BE HELPED before it is too late.

#bnha 293 #bnha dabi #toya todoroki #endeavor #bnha deku #midoriya izuku #bnha mha #this is so long #sorry lmao #you might get bored before you finish reading #sorry for any mistakes #english is not my first language

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totaldramafan-lauri · 3 years

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Reflecting (Keep Moving Forward followup)

So, uh....first off.....if you’re reading this, I hope you have a Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it)!

It’s been over a month since I made that vow to keep moving forward.....but it’s been so hard.....It’s getting easier recently, though, as I’ve been able to think clearer.....bit by bit.....

Below is gonna be me venting about stuff that happened, and about myself and the lessons I’ve learned, so if that doesn’t interest you, don’t bother reading. I just.....wanted to....spill things out somewhere, where I’m not forcing people to listen to me.....And hopefully, this’ll be the last post I’ll have about this subject, or at least, one this long....

When it happened.....I was so taken off-guard....I was devastated and worried....and in my fear, I focused on the wrong things.....

I was SO caught up on the fact that....my friends....who I care so much about.....who I liked talking to, and sharing things with, and had such fun with .....were accusing me of hurting them, which was like, one of my worst fears....I was so blindsided by how quickly things went south......from being told that I’m loved, valid, and that I’m not annoying, and I’m fun to be around....s-stuff I wanted to believe.....to suddenly being told that I WAS annoying and obnoxious the entire time, and that I was actually an awful, selfish guilt-tripper who only wanted attention.....And.....that’s.....that’s not me.....

They brought up past events that.....I’d already either apologized for, swore to never do again, or was already made aware of and was trying to dial back on.....A-and that made it worse.....It felt like none of that mattered.....that I was so terrible that I could never truly change for the better, even as I tried to....And the part that hurt the most about the whole thing was not being believed. I didn’t expect them to forgive me, especially not right away.....I just wanted them to believe me....But no one believed me when I apologized again. No one believed me when I told them I didn’t mean any harm to any of them, and said that I’m completely aware of my mistakes, trying to be better, and would try not to repeat any of the crap I did before. Nothing I said was hitting at all, it was like I was just white noise to them.....

And after it was over, I thought about it more, let it sit with me......as I sobbed my face off, of and on, for days.....I hated knowing I hurt my friends, I hated it, hated it.....Thinking about what they were going through around me....Were they really that hurt? Was I really as awful as they said? Am I really incapable of changing and being better? What should I do to make everyone happy? Is it best for them if I wasn’t there anymore? Is it best for everyone? Do I deserve this pain, for everyone’s sake? Is everyone better off if I.....went away.....forever......?

But thankfully.....the tears slowly dried.....Thanks to the friends I still have, I got back on my feet, though it took a bit......And I’ve obviously looked back on everything a LOT.....And as the pain dulled, I started to think clearer....And identify the root causes of my mistakes.

Yes....I did mess up. I’m not the victim here. Just because it hurt, doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be called out. Everything I said before this was how I felt in the moment, but this is how I feel about it presently:

It’s true that I never wanted to hurt anyone. EVER. I’m one of the least threatening people on the planet. I’m a socially-awkward, anxious mess of a person who struggles with the simplest of things. I’m timid, shy, but once I get comfy, I’ll ramble on, and fangirl....and I get flustered very easily. When I get flustered, I say stupid things. I do stupid things. And.....I'm constantly worrying about being annoying. I never had any hidden agendas to “make everything revolve around me” or anything like that. In fact.....I HATE the feeling of controlling other people (It was actually a running thing that I was the most submissive person in the server). I prefer being a follower to a leader, scared of disappointing people I care for. And I NEVER wanted any more attention than anyone else. I know I’m not important. I was just another fangirl in a server full of them. A server that belonged to everyone equally......Everyone got to be happy, and that’s part of what made it so great.....Every time one of my friends got attention, I’d watch, sure, but I’d never intentionally take away from them. No matter how much I reacted, no matter how flustered I’d get, no matter how many stupid noises I made...If I knew that I was stealing attention, I would’ve tried to step back, but still getting anxious over letting people I care about down.....in case they really DID want to indulge me....

I absolutely hate forcing people to do things they don’t wanna do. Whenever someone does something for me, I want it to be because they WANT to. I’d ask things like “Are you sure?” out of anxiety. This is especially true of RPing. My anxiety over RPing is so bad that I’ll never initiate one. I always want people who RP with me to actively have fun doing it, not because I’m forcing it. I always worry about the people I do it with, and if they’re having fun, or if I’m being a waste of time....And if, at any point, I had picked up on the fact that I was forcing anything, I would’ve backed off right away and apologized.

So, me being called.....m-manipulative....? That hurt....because that’s not me.....and that’s why I.....got so defensive.....

But.....like I said at the start.....I was focusing on the wrong things.

Sure, that one part was a misunderstanding. But who flipping cares? I still messed up. I messed up BADLY. It doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not. I still hurt people I care about, and I still deserved to be called out for it. While it’s true that nothing I did was intentional, they still brought up good points about me that I needed to hear, even if it hurt. After letting everything sit with me for a month, I’m finally able to address it, and put it in text so that I’ll never forget it. I guess.....this is my own callout post to myself.

So....the biggest cause of all of this.....is self-hatred.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I.....don’t really have a high opinion of myself, and I consider everyone who I get attached to to be more deserving of nice things than me. The biggest example is when it comes to Spinel....I’d always be so so self-conscious when thinking about how she’d view me compared to my friends, who are more entertaining, and more deserving of her attention....at least, in my eyes. I wasn’t jealous of the attention they’d get, though (I’d cheer them on), I just looked up to them. At first, this wasn’t a huge problem as a lot of my friends had the same issues. But.....it got worse. Over time, my mind attacked me more and more.....I blamed myself for nearly every uncomfortable or bad situation that would happen.....and started to fear being left out and being alone. This led to situations of me basically going into tangents over how much I hate myself over things that had nothing to do with me. I’d blame myself, over and over again.....

Every single time I would beat myself up over being boring/useless/annoying/etc, my friends were always there, comforting me and making me feel better. But here’s the thing: I started doing this IN THE WRONG PLACES, at THE WRONG TIMES. Like, I would offhandedly mention how I wish I was more like someone else and have to be assured I was fine, during someone else’s moments, because I was an idiot and it didn’t hit me that people would actually stop what they’re doing to talk to me. I can even remember a few times when a friend was having a really bad day, and I would have a mental breakdown over worrying about them, needing to be calmed down. THAT could’ve been kept to myself. Like I said before, I never EVER intended to get special treatment compared to anyone else. But, the way I’d constantly moan about how “It’s all my fault”, “I’m so sorry I’m so annoying”, and especially the constant self-consciousness over Spinel.....All of that.....how every single time, it ended with people comforting me in some way......it was EASY for them to interpret all of that as guilt-trippy. I wasn’t aware of it then, but I can see why people would think that now. I kept doing it, cuz I was so comfortable venting to them that.....I got into a habit of it. In my head, it was just a thing that we all did, not just me. But I had no idea of what I was doing, and how often, until I had to have it spelled out to me......and that’s just....yikes. Luckily, I’ve learned now that there’s a time and a place to vent, and I’ve made a real effort to dial back on my self-deprecating comments, after being called out....but it didn’t matter anymore. It was one case of “I learned my lesson, but I did it so often in the past that no one believes me when I say that.” And I have no one to blame there but myself.....

But I will still take that message to heart, and will try to pass it to others. There’s a time and place to vent your insecurities. Do it in a dedicated space if you can. Don’t do it in a way that brings down the mood, or in any way that could be an interruption.

But that wasn’t the only mistake I made. Oh no no no. It gets even worse. My self-loathing issues have done worse than annoy people and get misinterpreted. I’ve said things that I extremely regret saying.

So.....in.....either late August or early September....around that time, things got a lot more stressful and sad in the server. There was a period where it seemed like every other day, a friend would have some kind of breakdown and leave the server. When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious, and....yyyyyyeah, my mind became even meaner to me. Th-the point is, people I cared about were having a hard time, and....I spent a lot of time worrying and stressing over them. I felt helpless.....I wished I could help them and make them feel better, the way they helped me....and, I started overthinking a lot of things, wondering if I was a bad friend.

I was so sick of myself for always saying “I suck at cheering people up besides being a distraction” and using that as an excuse to not do anything....It felt like I was doing the same thing over and over again: worrying about people while being too shy to reach out, and worrying that not reaching out made it seem like I didn’t really care.....

There’s one friend of mine.....who is really good at cheering me up when I’m depressed. He’s done it multiple times. I never ask to be cheered up, but.....he seems to always know what to say. And.....I look up to him. I wanna be a person like that.....a good friend who knows what to say......and......

And so I tried. After a certain point, I decided to stop whining and try reaching out to my friends more. I DMed more often, wrote them things, tried showing them I care. And at first, I thought I was doing the right thing, even if it was outside my comfort zone. It was worth it if I made someone feel just a little bit better while in a bad place.

But....I wasn’t good at it. At all. I was way too anxious to act calmly in those situations, and as a result, most of them.....didn’t go so well. As in, I never, I dunno, thought things through before saying them. Which, when talking to someone emotionally vulnerable, you should ALWAYS DO. I should know! I AM one of those people!

A lot of the time, I.....I struggle to convey my emotions properly. When I’m emotional, I say stupid things without thinking. Sometimes, it’s something that sounded fine in my head, but once I say it or type it out, I realize how wrong it really sounded. One thing about me is that I’ll never take the cheap excuse of “It was the autism’s fault” or “It was the anxiety’s fault”, because....stuff like that sounds so wrong to me. Those things are a part of myself, so blaming them is really just another way of saying that I was wrong. But yes, it’s true that a lot of autistic people suffer from the same social issues that I do. Coming off as insensitive by talking without thinking. This also goes back to what I mentioned earlier about how I act like an idiot when I’m flustered. I get emotional, I stop thinking. That’s all there is to it. And I wish I could just......stop.

While trying to talk to a friend who was going through a hard time, there were occasions where, either out of stress or evil brain jumping to conclusions, I would bring my self-loathing issues into the situation. AGAIN, with the self-loathing in the wrong place at the wrong time! When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious. ....I’d try to say “I hope you’re doing OK! We miss you!” and after a bit, it was devolve into “Please please come back, I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, I’m such an awful friend, boohoo”, and......yikes? After this distance, I realize just how badly-worded a lot of the stuff I said was.

Sometimes, I would catch on to what I said really quickly, instantly feel guilty, and delete the message, hoping no one saw it (guess what: that doesn’t change anything if they still saw it), but other times, I was so dang OBLIVIOUS to just how obnoxious I was acting, and needed it spelled out to me.

The ultimate irony is that, in trying to be there for my friends, I was such an emotional wreck that....I ended up coming across as selfish instead. The exact opposite of my intention.

I wanted to be like my friend, and failed. All cuz I let my own feelings get in the way.

Whenever I’d be called out on something, I’d apologize. And afterward, I’d do my very best to never repeat my mistakes. After being called out for sticking my nose in where I wasn’t wanted, I stopped initiating DMs with anyone who didn’t wanna talk, and made extra careful to double-check things I said. I was extra cautious about everything, scared of messing up again.

And....it seemed like my apologies were accepted, and things were fine again. But.....there came a point where it’d just been.....enough.

The damage was done. The conclusions about me were made. And my reaction - getting defensive over a misunderstanding instead of actually focusing on the fact that good points were made about me - didn’t help matters.

I poured my heart and soul apologizing to them, swearing over and over again that I learned my lesson. And.....almost no one believed me. Because I messed up THAT badly. Everything that came out of my mouth was taken as a sob story. And the feeling of not being believed and trusted anymore hurt so badly that I......shattered. I broke down.....

But now, thinking clearly, I see the full picture better. I see the truth behind the misunderstanding, and boil everything down to the core issues that I can focus on improving.

Sure, I’m not manipulative, and I’ll take those words to my grave. But I was still oblivious, annoying, invasive, and my self-loathing was a MAJOR problem that I let leak into too many conversations. It got to the point where it came off as guilt-trippy and attention-seeking. I can’t deny that anymore. That’s how people saw it. Sure, it was never intentional, but no more sugar-coating.

My biggest problems were: 1. The self-loathing problems, and 2. The obliviousness of what I was doing and how it made people feel. Those are the core issues. Everything else can be traced back here.

And.....that’s everything. All my self-reflecting, summed up here. A reminder of my mistakes.

I’m so sorry.....for everything I did. I’m working on it.....I promise. Thank you for letting me know.

This is the kind of apology I should’ve given them.....Properly self-aware, not that overdramatic mush....

.....I was never mad at them for saying those things. Even when the wounds were fresh, I was never mad at them, only myself and the situation.....I didn’t wanna hate them, I wanted to make things right.....And.....M-maybe it’s me being weak, but.....I still think the world of them now. I still think of them as my friends.....Especially now, when I can look back and try to understand why they did it. They were hurt, and they were only doing what was best for them......And I hope they’re all happy now that it’s taken care of. Cuz....they deserve to be happy.

I know that all I can really do is talk about how I feel, and give my side of the story, but I’ve still thought a lot about what they must have felt.....How hurt they were, what they thought, and if it was hard to do.....I can never truly know without communicating. And, for the sake of their privacy, and not bringing up specific details, I won’t put words in anyone’s mouth. This is mainly about my feelings, because that’s all I can share. But yes, this isn’t the whole story.

Sure, it still sucks, knowing that without some kind of magic lie detector, I can never truly prove that I never wanted to use or hurt anyone, and that I really did care about them so much.....but I have to live with it. This is the price I have to pay.

And through the experience, I learned important lessons that I’ll keep close to my heart.

Back when the wounds were fresh, I was blaming every little thing about me, trying to find justification that I was unlovable trash and didn’t deserve happiness. I blamed things that weren’t at fault at all, or that I have no control over, like preferences and squicks.....anything that could’ve been annoying people all along......But, I think I finally got it straightened out now.

My feelings for Spinel aren’t at fault here. (After all, I wasn’t the only one who had them) While my ramblings about not feeling worthy of her attention, and the stupid things I’d say when flustered over her, caused some issues, those things stem from personal faults of mine that have always been there. My self-loathing would still be just as bad if she wasn’t there. I’d just be directing it at something or someone else. So, no, I’m not forcing myself to get over her. I don’t blame her. Thinking about her brings me comfort still, after all this time....and I don’t wanna let that go. I can improve as a person, and still.....l-love her.....

No, I learned what I REALLY have to change, and have already made the steps to do so. I’ve made new rules for myself. I’ve started internalizing my self hatred and anxiety more instead of oversharing it. I only vent my issues in private places, or on here, where I’m not forcing people to read my crap. I’m DONE with forcing anyone to listen over and over again about how I hate myself, and.....how I’m now in this endless cycle of hating myself FOR hating myself.....it’s a lose-lose situation either way. Point is, no more of those self-loathing tangents unless it’s called for.

And other things, too......I’ve been extra careful about RPing, I’ve been extra careful about joining conversations, and.....about everything, really. Especially DMing. Now more than ever, I’m scared of forcing people to pay attention to me....I’m worried about coming off the wrong way. When someone pays attention to me, I don’t want it to be forced. I wanna believe I deserve it. If I ever deserve anything.....(And finally, one last minor change: I’ll no longer voice chat unless I’m muted. My voice is seriously obnoxious, especially when flustered, to the point where I’ll unintentionally insert myself into conversations just by making stupid noises in the background. I’m too loud. SCREW my voice. I hate my voice. No more.)

And, as the past month or so has gone on, and I’ve slowly recovered, and gotten past this period of self-reflection.....I’ve started talking to people again, slowly regaining the confidence to do so.....while keeping my new rules in mind. And, I’m happy to say that I haven’t messed up.....yet. Don’t wanna jinx it. But yeah.....maybe I really have improved.....

And.....for the past couple weeks.....I’ve been......happy? Well, the happiest I’ve been since that day. I’m no longer miserable, and I’m in good spirits. That’s good, cuz it means that I’m not bothering people!

So....I’m optimistic. Maybe that’s a bad thing.....but at the moment, it doesn’t feel that way.

In the near future, I.....I do wanna reach out to the friends I hurt. I wanna try apologizing one last time. Maybe that’s me not wanting to let go, but.....I really care for them, and we had so much fun together......It felt like we made each other happy, before everything got bad.....I don’t wanna feel like everything we ever did was because I was awful.....the whole time.....I don’t want the memories to be tainted.....

But.....I’m scared to go back right now......I’m scared of messing it up by getting emotional again. If they don’t forgive me, that’s fine. That’s their choice to make. But I at least want them to believe me.....and if that doesn’t happen, then it’s my fault again.

So....yeah.....I do wanna go back and give it one last try.....but later, when I’m SURE I’m ready. For now, as long as I feel like there’s a part of me that’s gonna get all dramatic and moody, I’m not ready. Cuz I wanna push that part of me away. No more pity parties. No more....no more talking over them. I’ll let them beat into me if it’ll make them feel better......and I’ll be happy to be forgiven, if that’ll make them feel better.

Either way, I don’t want it to end like this....but......is it selfish to want closure? Cuz, even if I don’t get forgiveness.....at least give me that. At least let me end this on a respectful note. Cuz....I don’t wanna be a coward. I don’t wanna just.....move on without taking the steps to fix the situation, especially with the people that were there for me so often......

Geez, this got long......sorry if you read all of this. I just.....wanted to put this all somewhere......TLDR: I’m so incredibly sorry for everything I’ve ever done, and I’m taking the steps I can to improve myself and become a better person. It’s not easy, and I’ll never forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.....but I’ll try to get there somehow.

Keep moving forward......

#im intentionally keeping details about specific events vague for privacy purposes #cuz i am NOT in a position to reveal anything more #i just wanna vent #i dont wanna attack people (other than myself) and i dont wanna over dramatize anything #these are just my raw feelings and thats it #thats my disclaimer #venting

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