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kaz11283 · 3 years

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Love Never Wins

Summary: Words will be said but do you really think either one of you mean them. Sometimes actions speak louder.

Warnings: slight angst

Characters: Loki, Thor, Y/n, Clint, avengers in the background here and there

Loki x you, Thor x you (platonic), Clint x you (brother,sister)

ANNOUNCEMENT: Not going to lie. This was going to be a simple short sweet straight to the point drabble but it turned into such a looooong one shot (i guess) I was in a good head space wgile writing this and just couldnt stop really. But it is something that I am very proud of.

ANNOUNCEMENT 2: I've had to make this a simple 2 part. I got way to carried away with everything in it!

Loki Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What's going on with you?" You yelled as you grabbed Loki by the arm pulling him away from the girl who was obviously flirting with him and he with her.

"What are you talking about? We were talking." He yelled back.

"You were flirting Loki in front of everyone! Openly! Don't play me for the fool you think I am. You've been off lately. Not around as much, zoning out when we finally have some time together. If there's something you want to say tell me now." You felt the tears rush to your eyes. You had seen all the signs, hell you were an expert at the signs. Multiple boyfriends had given you the signs before but for some reason you though that maybe, just maybe, he was diffrent.

"I just feel like we've grown apart in the last few months y/n. I don't think I can do this anymore." he said simply.

"You said I brought out the best side of you, that I was the love of your life." You said tears streaming down your face now, to hell with the makeup you was wearing you wasn't going back to the party anyways.

"You're not." He stated simply clenching his jaw.

"Ok fine. It's not the first time I've been broken up with. Just the first time that I had ever put so much into someone that I truly did see a future with just to have my heart completely ripped out in front of me. You got me good this time trickster. Don't think I'll be able to fully recover from this one." You spat back at him before turning to head up stairs to your room that the two of you had shared for so long.

Luckily Tony hadn't done anything to the room you had once occupied on a lower level of the tower so you easily moved all of your clothing back into there in a matter of no time. You weren't use to the feeling of being alone but thats all you wanted right now for the rest of your life. The god of tricks had ruined other men for you, he had once shown you love like you had never felt, and now your heart broke like it had never broke before.

"Hey sis, noticed you weren't- oh god what did he do?" Clint asked walking into your room. "Knew something was up. I could feel it."

"Hawk stop with the twin shit, its creepy." You huffed whipping your eyes on the back your long sleeve hoodie.

"What happened? All I know is you two disappeared, he came back, you didn't, and he said I should probably find you in your old room." He sat down next to you.

"We broke up. Easy as that. Ya know I never understood why they say not to date your co workers till today." You shrugged turning to him. "When we first got together you hated it-"

"To be fair he did brainwash me."

"I didn't say you didn't have a right. We kept it from you for a while though. But we hadn't been together long, Hawk, I thought he was diffrent from any man I ever dated-"

"Well he is a god, kinda different."

"Would you shut up so I can vent just for a little bit then you can go back to the party."

"Na, parties lame anyways, I was thinking about hanging out here for a little bit." He said kicking his shoes off and proping his feet on the coffee table throwing his arms across the back of the couch.

"Whatever," you rolled your eyes as you snuggled into your brother. "He was so kind, gentle, he was paciant with me. He knew that me and you were close and he didnt wamt to get in the way of that. He wanted us to be closer than he and Thor was. I think it helped him realize just how important family is when you only have each other. We kept it a secret for so long though." You pulled the hood up closer to your face. You didn't want to admit to yourself but you had kept the jacket because it still smelled like him.

"Nat seen the two of you making out in the hall weeks before you told anyone by the way." He laughed pulling you closer to him. " I didnt say anything though because I knew you would tell me when you were comfortable with it."

"I love him so much and he played me. Completely tricked me into these feelings that I dont think will ever change." You sobbed wrapping your arms around his waist, he through his arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer.

"Hes a dick with a god complex. Hes not good enough for you at all. Coming from a brother, a twin brothers point of view, I think you could do better. All is fair in love and war, but dont put it past me to be a little rougher on him during training, and I wont point anything out if you happen to let some bad guy kill him on the field." He said kissing the top of your head.

"Hawk, you know I'm not like that. I habe a reputation to up hold." You said slapping his arm before pulling away. "If you wanna stay theres still some of your sweats that I stole in the bedroom and ice cream in the freezer, but your sleeping on the couch. Its been since we were kids that we shared a bed but I bet you still kick."

~~~~

A few weeks had passed since you and Loki had called it quites. You had been mainly staying in your room trying not to cause any uncomfortable silence if you and Loki wede in the same room. On one occasion when you had ventured out to the living room you seen Loki holding an icepack to his eye and a busted lip, your first instinct was to rush over and make sure he was ok but instead you turned and took a seat between Thor and Clint.

"Lady Y/n, as always your peresnts lights up the room. We just havent been seeing much of it as of late." Thor greeted you with a warm smile throwing his huge arm ober your shoulder, making you look smaller than you already was.

"No more gods." Clint mumbled beside you.

"Thor is just a friend. One of the best I have." You laughed. "What happened?" Nodding toward Loki.

"Payback." He shrugged.

"Ah yes, it turns out Loki is not very good at hand to hand combat unles he is able to use his magic." Thor laughed. "I always tried to get him to train with me but he never did, turns out he probably should have."

"Oh for god sakes I'm right here and you three are not really whispering. I shouldn't have to learn hand to hand combat I have my sedair! I'm assuming it was just your brothers idea so that he could get back at me." He yelled.

"And you forget that there could come a time when you might need hand to hand. I told you many times that you needed to train but no mister 'I'm Loki prince of Asguard, burdened with glorious purpose', mister I have my magic. Bullshit. Your just sour because a mear mortal bested you at something. Grow a pair and learn how to actually fight." You jumped up. You had finally snapped. It had been coming tough sitting in you waiting for the right, or wrong, time to show up.

"You watch your tone!" He shouted jumping up. "I know how to fight better than half the people in here." Clint and Thor slowly stood watching the scene in front of them neither one know what to do.

"You know how to use your pixie dust to make things happen! Well guess what tinker bell this aint Neverland. We get in weird predicaments all the time you never know what to expect." You yelled back. "Hell Loki, your probably so bad at hand to hand even I could beat you."

"Oh your on. Training room, 30mins. That is unless your scared?" He said giving you a mischievous smirk.

"Trust and believe I'm not afraid of you by any means. No weponds, no sedair strictly hand to hand." You said turning on your heel to walk to your room to get ready leaving Clint and Thor standing alone in the living room aww struck.

"So what do we do?" Clint finally asked.

"Well of course we have to stop this. It will not end very well." Thor answered.

"So tell the others?"

"Yes you tell the others I will get refreshments for the battle." They took off in seprate directions.

#loki and thor #loki avengers #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #loki x reader #loki daily #loki #loki angst #lokilaufeyson #loki one shot #loki fandom #loki x y/n

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scarecoen · 3 years

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Trigger warning ⚠️ domestic violence.

I've typed this story a million times so I'm just going to summarize as much as I can.

A few days ago I was assaulted by my partner's family members. And as I've mentioned, I've typed this a million times and I'm honestly just exhausted thinking about it, but we could use some help.

My partner has always had a transphobic family. (I don't have anyone but my dad, who's in no position to help anyone.)

Her mom used her disability against her and manipulated her into giving her MOST of her checks. She's abused the system and my girlfriend.

When I met Jackie, she was with a terrible biggot. Jackie had came out, and her mother conspired with an abusive long distance ex, to fly her here, to stage an "intervention" and stop my partner from transitioning.

It worked. For years.

I met Jackie here on tumblr, we became good, SECRET friends because she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

I told Jackie openly about my views regarding gender and how I myself, was not cis.

Eventually she told her partner about us playing games together, which she responded to by harassing me.

Jackie ended up spilling the beans to me, about her mom, about the ex, everything. I realized that she had been extremely isolated and controlled her whole life.

So I intervened.

I got the two of them to separate, which wasn't smooth because Jackie was scared. She had been with her abuser for 9 years at this point. She's never known anything else.

The ex moved back to her state, and I started seeing Jackie, although she was stuck at her mom's... who was trying to play innocent at this time.

Eventually, I kinda just came and picked her up, she stayed the night, she didn't want to go back home. And I can't blame her. The house wasn't only disgusting, her family microagressed her all the time and they would tell her to pretty much stay in a dark room all day.

Ofc I didn't bring her back.

During early quarantine, we had a lot of self reflection and she started distancing herself from her mother, coming around to holding her accountable for her horrible actions.

Her mom messaged her things like "Why won't you talk to me? It's like you're trying to punish us!" Ect, just every fucking manipulative thing she could say, without ever apologizing.

Unfortunately the place we were staying fell through when my best friend's ex husband decided he wants a divorce and decided to throw in some transphobic hatespeach towards me.

We were all looking for somewhere to go.

I'm sure you know where this is going but listen, she told us EVERYTHING we wanted to hear. She told us she's not hateful now, told us she would go to trans support groups, pride, said she's realized how much she loves Jackie and it's time to accept her- and look- we had NO WHERE TO GO. We have 2 cats and at the time, a car that has no a/c or functional locks. AND I have a chronic autoimmune condition that I recently started taking chemo meds for. (Methotrexate.)

I'm too sick to be on the street, and survive. I had to think about me, Jackie, Zoe, and Boops.

And Jackie wanted to go..

I told her we'd be cautious and try to get out asap.

Well, looking for places right when the housing market crashed really fucked us up. That- and because I had only just finally got approved for disability, means I was set back in life- and had no credit to my name. No credit= no place to live.

I had almost built enough, but things went down hill very quickly with her family. Which leads us to right now:

After weeks of microagressions, giving us breakthrough covid cases, yelling at us to clean other's messes, and forcing us and our cats to isolate in our room, many broken promises, and straight up transphobic hatespeach (because she promised to get vaccinated but then said nvm as soon as we moved in and she went on vacation and got covid and gave it to us, which nearly killed me--) she said not getting the vaccine "IS A CHOICE, JUST LIKE YOU BEING TRANS AND TAKING *gestures to my testosterone* THOSE DRUGS."

We just were avoiding each other while I desperately try to gather resources for us to get out, NOW.

Of course, that wasn't good enough, so when her step father messaged her in all caps about our cats having to stay in our room and "I WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU AGAIN" my partner had a breakdown..

Her mom had let her step dad talk to her like this her whole life, basically.

Out of desperation, we went to her sister for help, maybe hoping she'd give us a place to stay for two weeks while we sign off on the lease for our new apartment.

She pretended to want to help and even said... something fucking weird? She made the comment that I'm a good person and I'm so much like her own boyfriend, that it's "scary"...

A few hours later she came to the house. She talked nicely to us, to gain access to our bedroom.

Then she attacked me.

I called the police right before, and was on the phone with dispatch when she lunged at me because she was aggressively trying to MAKE Jackie go into a separate room WITHOUT ME and Jackie was saying no, BEGGING her to STOP.

I wasn't going to let her take Jackie into that room. She looked fucking crazy.

All of the family came into our room, her two sisters, her mom, and her cousin- When they heard yelling.

It was actually me telling her mom that she's a terrible mother, that triggered her sister to try and attack me- although I knew she was planning on trying to from the moment she came into our room.

And that was after her mom was screaming in my face that if I have something to say, say it now.

Dispatch heard everything and sent emt as well...

But the police stayed outside, talking to them for a WHILE before even asking for us.

Her cousin is the only one that would have stood up for me, saying her sister never should have tried to hit me. But he was in the room with Jackie, giving her support...

I faced the cops alone.

He already had "that look."

He shined a light into my eye, letting the family stay on the porch, throwing insults and just letting it happen. He asked me where I'm hurt, and before I could even show him the scratches on my arm, he said "how do I know YOU didn't put those there?"

I wanted to fucking die in that moment.

This is a conservative city.

No one has equality stickers here. No one flies gay flags. People here that are lgbt- they LEAVE.

This is EXACTLY WHY.

I said "well is there any reason I should tell you anything when, clearly, you're already bias?"

I looked at the emts. I looked at his partner. I looked at all the lights and people coming out of their houses-

And behind me was her family.

Her sister that assaulted me, was laughing about having work in the morning.

All of them were looking at me, with hate in their eyes.

He tried to feed me bullshit about "well if I'm taking someone to jail, there has to be proof."

He dismissed everything I attempted to say, until I just stared at the ground and he decided he did his job here.

I told him my whole fucking body hurts because I had 4 people fucking toss my 100lbs ass all over the fucking room, which was a mess that he refused to look at.

He said "I don't see bruises."

I SPAT "BRUISES TAKE TIME?"

He retorted IMMEDIATELY- "YOU'RE NOT EVEN RED."

I asked what about the dispatcher- she seemed concerned- to which he said "you see, sometimes when people call us- they scream and be dramatic- for a quicker response."

I asked what we could do while the two weeks go by for our new place, and he fucking said "I DONT KNOW. BARRICADE YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING."

Needless to say, we are now safe, in a hotel and I've gotten in touch with a few lgbt organizations that are attempting to help us get justice.

Unfortunately because it's a holiday weekend, all we can do is wait right now.

Our first order of business is getting a protection order, so that we can retrieve the rest of our things without her sister trying to attack us again. (I say us because she kept jumping towards Jackie, like she was threatening to hit her.)

I've been so gaslit and victim blamed that I was too scared to go to the er, even though this all happened in the midst of a flare, possibly including my liver health.

There's so much more to this story, as I'm sure other trans people can relate.. unfortunately.

The emts reluctantly offered to take me to the er, but I was like "and leave my partner here with them?" And he just fucking shrugged dude.

I hate this city.

I want out so bad but unfortunately I've committed to a year, but at least it'll be *our* apartment.

We could NOT stay there for two more weeks. Her step dad is a violent offender that has attempted to murder a homeless prostitute over some fucking pocket change- and he has a GUN in the house.

This hotel might run us into a hole, despite it being the cheapest, shittiest hotel in town, it's still going to be about 700$ for ONE week.

To ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL MY VEHICLE WHILE WE'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

I'm feeling incredibly paranoid and unsafe, but I'm on anxiety meds now at least and its SORTA helping us cope (My partner and I have the same Dr and she gave her permission to have some.)

The organization BRAVO is trying to help us with a hotel voucher, but because of all the natural disasters, it's hard to find room in charity for people like us, which is fair enough. We aren't immediately on the street, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

However, if you or anyone you know wish to help you can donate to venmo: kittyzibby. Or you could just signal boost this.

If you can't help, I understand. And IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY, don't worry about it, for real.

Right now I'm just scared we'll go into debt before getting the apartment settled in.

I will update on things once our case moves along more, and we were already considering turning to OF sexwork before all of this, so if there could be support that way, maybe we'll get that going once we get moved in. That way, I feel good about providing a service in return.

Thank you so much for sticking with us during all of this. And really- we're doing much better today. We've given each other pep talks, but we are still determined to start our lives together.

Her family was merely trying to scare me away from her, but I got my girl's name tatted on me for a reason.

I know I'm not the bad person here.

Every time Jackie is feeling more gender euphoric, and showing me her changes, and seeing her get more confident, the more I know that what I'm doing with and for her, is right.

I love her so much. And I will never abandon her, like they tried to get me to do.

Jackie is taking a break from some socials, but she's given me permission to talk about what's been happening.

She needs justice too.

I will update as much as I can, but seriously, I think we both just have a fire under our asses now.

Mentally, we're stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading. My heart really goes out to the rest of the queer community that have experienced or are going through similar things.

It's really made me realize why we need to stick together and fight this bigotry bullshit! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

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squeeneyart · 3 years

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Breathe in the Salt - Chapter 22

AO3

Beta reader as always is @thesnadger! Go read Something’s Different About You Lately and all her other fics!

Life goes on.

Martin is shaken from his thoughts.

Martin’s footsteps did not ring out against the interior of the lighthouse. The sound did not bounce around and up the spire to return in earnest, filling the hollow space with noise as he walked. Around him the walls absorbed every sound, every scratch of his pen. Or maybe he’d just learned to quiet himself. It was difficult to tell at times.

Whether or not the place had changed didn’t matter. The echoes had become a taunt over the dragging weeks, his own voice hitting the walls and bouncing back to smack him in the face. If there was a ghost in those walls, it wasn’t trying to talk to him.

There had been no sign of Peter since he’d spoken of Martin’s good fortune. Peter had wanted to avoid correspondence, no doubt about that, and the letter had sent him on another boating excursion that very day. If Simon were to send another message, there would be no one to give it to. The satisfaction almost made his mouth twitch.

The boat trip could’ve been a cover, but Martin liked to entertain the idea of Peter jumping into a row boat and furiously paddling away from the shore just to escape the skinny little man who dared want to speak with him.

He even understood the impulse. It wouldn’t be so bad to sit in a little boat in the middle of the ocean if it meant avoiding the horrible old men in his life. He didn’t have to do that yet, not when he had a perfectly empty spot right where he was.

The weather had worsened considerably, three days of heavy sleet pushing him home without stopping. If he ducked inside a shop he wouldn’t want to go back out, and he couldn’t hide forever. Therefore, when on that fourth day it was closer to a sprinkle than a torrent, he finally took the time to get groceries.

He recognized some of the faces in the little corner shop, several regulars seizing the opportunity to stock up before worse weather settled in. They walked around diligently, considering their needs for the next week and not risking side conversations that could end long after the rain returned in full force. There was no chitchat or calming music, only the squeak of rubber wheels on the cold tile floor.

Martin focused on the task in front of him. Frozen foods, mostly. At least there was someone out there pre-packaging things for people like him who came back from work tired and hungry. He'd never had much reason to be ambitious with cooking, and never terribly good when he did try. No wonder dinners had been such a sad affair, but he was the only remaining judge.

As he selected bags of frozen veggies, it hit him that he’d taken far too much. He stared at the white plastic packaging, frowned, and threw it into his basket. Stocking up on long lasting foods would save him trouble in the long run, and changing the budget would’ve been a pain.

He continued from aisle to aisle, grabbing what his hands were used to reaching for from the shelves and weaving between people who were too busy browsing to notice him. If someone was blocking him, he could loop back around and let everyone get on with their business.

As he eyed some flavorless oatmeal he heard the tiny bell over the entrance ring. He sighed to himself and wondered how crowded it would get if he stayed too long. The balance between moving quickly and not interrupting fellow shoppers was beginning to grate on his nerves, each go-around making him more and more aware of the ones taking their sweet time.

He went around again, the same backs turned toward him in different configurations. If he kept circling around other shoppers would take their place while he was gone. If he waited nearby he would look impatient and agitated. If he made the loop again more people might be lined up at the queue when he was finally done and then he’d be stuck standing in line even longer, which could make it even more likely that he’d get stuck in sleet if it returned and he’d spend even more time waiting with everyone else, and if someone started chatting with the woman at the register which was very likely then who knew how long-

Heavy footsteps squeaked in his direction. The person who’d just entered was making a beeline for his aisle. Feeling a tiny jolt in his chest at the approach, he reflexively glanced over to see the older woman from the Fairchild house wearing a sensible coat and some sturdy waterproof boots.

She did live in town, then. Of course she lived in town. The Fairchild house was still part of town. Not that he knew for certain she lived there, but either way she would need to buy food. Someone in that big house had to, right? He’d never seen Simon walking about and couldn’t imagine him running errands. At this point he should’ve expected her to be around town, he thought, as his heart slammed against his ribcage.

He didn’t know her name. Presumably she was a Fairchild, what with the way that family worked, pulling like-minded people into it rather than building outward. Otherwise, she was just a person. Just another someone.

Someone he was openly staring at, and who had finally pinned him with a look of recognition from the other end of the aisle. He gritted his teeth, turned on his heel, and hopped to the aisle over. He had food to buy and no need for more… whatever it was she might do. Really, he’d grabbed enough to last him through the week, so why stay any longer in the stale air?

To his relief the queue was empty. Of course as he walked back to the front with his basket full of microwave meals he recognized the cashier. She was a former classmate’s mother, someone he would chat with on his little trips to the shop. As he placed his items on the counter he recalled that he usually asked after her daughter.

No one really liked small talk, and he was sure there would’ve been no change from whenever it was he’d spoken to this woman last. That was fine. Speech wasn’t going to come easy with the way his lips stuck together. He paid for the groceries, took his paper bag full of food and absconded into the night air.

It was then that he forced his lips apart to breathe, clutching the bag against his chest and walking down the road. He felt the need to wipe his glasses, but his hands were full.

He had only made it a couple of blocks before he heard a voice from behind. “It’s rude to stare without saying anything.”

He stopped and turned to see the woman a few meters away with her arms crossed. Words failed him, so he said nothing and hoped his confused expression was enough.

“What’s your boss been up to? Slinking around I assume,” she asked.

Holding the groceries closer to his chest, Martin lowered his eyes to the ground.

The woman rubbed her forehead. “Of course. Should’ve expected as much from someone like you.” After a brief pause, she continued, “Look, I’m not sure what your deal is exactly, being so clearly new to all of this, but if you’re this messed up when nothing’s happened yet I suggest you leave.”

She must’ve seen some twitch or twist in his face, as she said, “Fine, do what you like. He must pay really well to make you stay this long.” Then she shoved her hands into her coat pockets and walked back toward the shop.

He felt like he should’ve yelled something back, let her know exactly how much her unsolicited advice meant to him. Tell her to piss off, or to jump back into the sky or whatever it was her stupid group did.

But of course he couldn’t say that, not then, not with how he was sure he’d sound. It would have come out cracked and raspy, as if he were a teen trying not to sound petulant. And he knew better than to try and argue with a person like her who knew that she knew more.

Instead, once he’d walked far enough that she couldn’t possibly see him, he considered what little she had said. Was this Simon’s idea, using her to push him in some direction that would agitate Peter? Or was she acting of her own will and giving him what she thought of as useful suggestions from one person working for an evil company to another?

If she really wanted to be helpful she could’ve said something informative instead of being vague and weird about it. Who knew what any of these people were thinking? It wasn’t his fault they all wanted to be cryptic. And no matter what she thought she knew about his situation, there was no leaving for him. He could feel it in his gut, in his throat, as easily as he could feel the ice beginning to pelt him from above.

Leave, she said. What would leaving look like? Being chased down because he knew too much. An empty stretch of road leading him to rooms full of strangers. Leaving someone behind.

The worst was how she looked at him when she said it. He could list out to her all his reasons for staying, but somehow she would know he was full of shit.

Sasha: so there’s a wrench in things that’s taking longer than expected to fix, can’t get into the details but we’re working on it

Tim: should be back on track before you know it!

Tim: so dont go making things exciting over there without us

Sasha: sorry to be cagey, it’s hard to explain

Martin’s mobile sat on the weathered wood of his front porch, his only light source besides the cracks around the front door. Giving the notifications a once over, he released a slow breath through his nose. It burned less than before, much less now that it had been a few days, and he’d come to an understanding that soon it would stop altogether. His own stubbornness exposed.

She couldn’t say she told him so. That was a sort of blessing.

When the light of his mobile winked out, everything was still but for the waves and the creaking of the old house. His old house. Its joints strained with the high winds and plummeting temperature, but it was built to last through such things. Each evening those noises greeted him when he walked through the front door and went with him to sleep, jolting him awake in the middle of the night with a loud snap as if the building had cracked its spine. The house persisted, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to complain about it the whole way.

Tim: in the meantime let us know youre still breathing

Tim: i know i ran out of material weeks ago but that doesnt mean you get out of pretending to think im funny

With a sigh, Martin picked up the mobile.

Martin: im fine

Martin: not much happening still

Tim: think the boredom will get you first?

He considered the message and then set the mobile back down next to him. The meeting with the Fairchild woman had been enough to drain him without him uttering a single syllable. Texting was easier but not by much, and he had nothing in him to keep up with Tim’s lighthearted attempts to engage.

The notebook tucked into his jacket had been the only good receptacle for words recently. His jacket protected the little record of his thoughts from the spray of water that slipped under the porch roof and misted over his glasses and hair and cheeks, blurring his vision and sucking the heat from his skin.

He found himself in a little bubble outside of time where clouds blocked out the sky and any hope of telling time with it. Fog hid the path up and away from his home, no entrance or escape from where he sat but for the wide expanse of salt water ahead.

When was the last time he’d seen a boat on those waves? The trek down the cliffs would’ve made dragging one to the shore a pain, and there were no other homes left down on the rocky beach. Had they owned a boat when he was younger, some small thing never meant to fit more than one person but forced to fit two and a half? Did he remember something like that happening?

He sighed and pushed the false memory away with her inside of it, but the obstinate thing sailed right back into his mind. He inhaled and then let a sharp breath out through his nose.

With some effort, he pushed out, “Stupid. She wouldn’t have needed to go out in a boat.” What a grating sound.

It wasn’t as if his house had a place for a boat. There wasn’t even an overhang to drag a dinghy under in a lazy effort to protect it from the elements.

Had there been one once, though? He couldn’t see much from where he sat, the fog creeping in from the sides and obscuring his view to his right and left. That and his glasses made seeing his stiff hands a miracle.

His mobile lit up the space beside him.

Sasha: it won’t keep us much longer though. it complicates things, but waiting won’t do any good.

Sasha: so sit tight and we’ll have a plan of action soon

Tim: seriously though even if nothing happens you should still tell us youre fine

Tim: a quick thumbs up or a ‘hey im good’ is fine dont need to start a whole conversation if theres nothing to report

Tim: but saying nothing implies a worst case scenario. i know everythings sort of come to a halt on your end but we dont know when something will happen

Tim: so text us after work

Tim: or at least respond same day

A new lecture, from Tim of all people. He’d forgotten to respond to the others for a couple of boring days in a long string of boring days and he was being told off. His day to day life wasn’t any of their business. He’d needed the time to himself, away from his phone and all that. And they knew he was mostly off on weekends.

At least Tim confirmed that all they needed was proof he wasn’t dead. He could keep that in mind in the future.

He wasn’t being fair to Tim, the one who at this point still attempted to talk with him when he didn’t need to. Of course Martin not responding would look bad- he was lucky they hadn’t broken down his door by day two. But at the end of all things the problem was him. The problem was his.

Martin: i will

Tim: good

The rain began to pick up a little, splattering the screen and forcing him to pocket his mobile. It was as good an excuse as any to ignore more messages. He’d agreed to not leave them in suspense about his safety. It was all he could give them.

Pushing himself off the front steps, he stood just outside of the porch roof’s reach and inhaled. It did still sting, but that seemed to be the point of the exercise. It opened things up, cleaned him from the inside and washed it all away with an exhale. It was no wonder his mother had been so insistent with how much he found leaving him with every breath.

He looked up into the sky with eyes squeezed shut for a few moments, then looked one more time at the black water ahead-

A thrashing in the water cut the silence in two, forcing a yelp out of his chest as he caught himself on the porch railing. Past the fog, just barely visible against the dark backdrop of sea and sky, was a figure hunched and formless and slowly shuffling out of the water.

Martin stepped backwards and half-fell back under the porch roof, wiping the rain from his glasses. The fog had grown so thick as to obscure the figure of any distinguishing features, and as he continued to back toward the front door he squinted hard to get a better look at the- the person? The thing? The-

It couldn’t be. No, it wouldn’t- she wouldn’t come back. It wasn’t possible. But if it had come from the sea (where else could it have emerged from so suddenly?), then there wasn’t another explanation.

His throat went taught with panic. He grasped at it, using his other hand to fumble behind him for the doorknob and hold it tight. He wanted to run. Run away, run up the hill, run straight at her and scream until his voice left him entirely. Anything but stand there rigid against the reality creeping toward him. Damn it, when had this fog rolled in so thick? What time was it?

The figure stopped, its crunching footsteps giving way to the sound of waves and pattering droplets. Martin held his breath and waited for something to give, whether it be his mother’s patience or his own two legs.

Then the footsteps resumed, more certain and definitely faster than he’d recalled his mother ever being. Right, she had always needed to be careful of her knees. The sea couldn’t just fix a history of osteoporosis.

This wasn’t a comfort. As the figure grew near and gained definition to its stick legs and shifting, asymmetric middle, Martin could only stand there frozen in terror with his hands gripped tight around the doorknob and his own neck.

An uncertain voice shouted over the drizzle. “Martin? Is that you? This fog is-”

Wait.

No. No that didn’t make any goddamned sense. He didn’t hear that.

And yet, out of the grey shroud, hair sticking to the sides of his face, walked a stiff and mildly embarrassed Jonathan Sims. He stopped just short of the porch steps, and then Martin couldn’t register anything else, his vision narrowing to the thing clutched to Jon's chest.

“Ah. Hi.” Jon adjusted the awkwardly folded seal skin in his arms and cleared his throat. “May I come inside?”

#tma #the magnus archives #breathe in the salt #martin blackwood #jonathan sims #sasha james #timothy stoker #peter lukas #simon fairchild #jonmartin #fanfic

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uniformbravo · 3 years

Text

melts into the floor.......................... that episode was so good................... it was SO good...................

like fuck dude i dont even know what to say i love nishimura & kitamoto so MUCH bro i can’t handle this im gonna PASS OUT i want 30 more episodes about just the two of them and natsume i need it....... o hmy god......... fUC im a mess

when natsume told kitamoto he wants to stay in this town forever because he loves it here 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 that line fuckin DECKED ME i CANNOT handle when he says shit like that i CANT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HES SO HAPPY HERE it’s the ONLY place he’s ever really like really been happy, how could he ever want to leave, or move on? the sad way he says “i know it’s probably impossible, but i’d like to stay here” is so............. that feeling of being in such a good place, a time of so much happiness, and knowing it can’t last forever, existing in this way indefinitely.... GOD that hits hard

also i love LOVE how both stories were about not only their individual experiences befriending natsume but ALSO both involved youkai in some way like god fuck oh my god i die for any scrap of that shit w/ these two??? i kno its literally the last thing natsume wants but PLS i love the idea of them getting involved in youkai stuff so much i NEED it ghggngh

Natsume Is Their Weird Friend And They Love Him Very Much god nishimura finds him passed out in the woods and IMMEDIATELY runs over to help him and all but DRAGS him to his house to get him to rest like PLEASE that is the aggressive nishimura love we like to SEE, that “if ur not gonna take care of urself then i guess I’M just gonna have to do it HUH” attitude he has ghgufhghg nishimura’s like “take care of yourself Or Else 🔫”

ALSO when kitamoto hears natsume talking to the youkai and assumes he’s getting bullied and FLIES into the room BOTH TIMES ready to defend him hello???? HELLO?????? that is some A PLUS SHIT MY DUdES, MY BOYS OUT HERE READY TO DEFEND MY BOY WE LOVE TO SEE IT,

when natsume mentions that he also lives on the second floor of his house and nishimura’s like woah that’s the first time i’ve ever heard him talk about himself hhu huuoOUH UUOHGOUHUOOU UHUOUOHUHUGHHGHhhH natsume slowly opening up to them......... letting himself be a little more honest w them...... WAIT THAT THOUGHT MAKES THAT ONE EPISODE SO MUCH SADDER the one w the culture festival and the theme of the ep was being honest w/ his friends and how much he can trust them with etc

they can get him to come out of his shell and smile more and spend time with them but no matter what they do he can never open up to them fully, there always has to be secrets between them, he has to keep a whole side of himself hidden from them oh noooooooo aaaaAAAAAA

AND THEY NOTICE when he’s being guarded too, they can tell when he closes himself off like that AAAAAAAAAAA nishimura talking about natsume’s fake smiles and kitamoto talking about his eyes like glass oughgoughuhfuofhghh no matter what they do there will always be moments where natsume hides himself from them again and they can’t really fully understand why so then you get scenes like that one in the culture festival ep where they urge natsume to be more genuine and honest with them and natsume instantly clams up again and they just have to accept that and i just. they just :(((((((((((((((

(but the fact that they’re able to get him to open up even as much as he has is....... i hope they realize what a huge fucking deal that is)

other things from this ep tho, nishimura yells at natsume about the paper cranes and then later after everything’s resolved he helps teach him how to make them......... he’d said it’s something every kid learns to do but the fact is that natsume didn’t learn so he helps him learn now and GOD it’s just like the bike thing all over again i SCREAM natsume getting to experience things now that he never could as a kid is just an instant fucking KO every goddamn time and nishimura and kitamoto are so often the ones making it happen and i just DIE ok i die fuckin hell gOD,

(sidenote back in the library when nishimura’s like “why don’t you just ask touko to help you learn why do you have to come to the library and learn from some book” and natsume’s like “i wanted to make sure i could actually do it before offering to help with the cranes” hoo OOOUHHHHH

wants to make sure he’ll actually be useful.... doesn’t want to embarrass himself by failing to be helpful and wasting her time AS IF she would see it even REMOTELY like that god she’d be so touched whether he could make 500 or 0 of them bc the fact that he offered to help at all means a lot more than he could ever imagine PLEASE i fall to the floor)

and the fact that nishimura’s issue is wanting natsume to rely on him more... when he blows up at him that’s his main deal, like. holy shit. this youkai has attached itself to him and is amplifying his stress and frustration to the point that he takes it out on natsume and even then it’s not “you’re weird, you’re a freak, leave me alone, stop talking to me,” it’s “why won’t you rely on me? why are you so distant? i’m trying so hard and you won’t even look at me” and that’s so monumental, especially in natsume’s case like. i think in a weird way that meant a lot to natsume??? like fuck, nishimura runs off and natsume goes after him to save him from the youkai, and afterward, when he’s talking to nyanko sensei, he says that nishimura is a good guy and that he’s important to him like..... LIKE........ FUC NISHIMURAS SO GOOD FUCk

and then there’s when natsume speaks so openly and genuinely about certain things that kitamoto’s surprised because social norms categorize those kinds of things as too embarrassing to just outright say to someone, and he’s like “hmm he really must not have learned those things when he was younger huh” (which, A) but then later, “i’m glad he’s able to be open like this” 🥺

i also LOVE how much this ep focused on each of their individual lives, like with nishimura’s brother and kitamoto’s sister & father...... Things That Make You Love Characters Even More ghfhgh like my love for them has always been mostly within the context of their friendship with natsume, but this was the first time they actually stood out as individuals and HEY it turns out i love them both on their own merit too WOWIE i love them theyre so good hey nishimura and kitamoto???? ARE GOOD

in conclusion i just....... they both meet this boy and think that he’s strange and quiet but they both give him a chance and accept him for who he is and it’s so good they are so so good this ep fuckin annihilated me thank FUCKING god it exists im gonna bask in it forever now holy shit thank u aaaaaaaAAAA

#retag later #ny blogging #i could LITERALLY go on about this FOREVER #i could keep adding more and more paragraphs to this i can never emphasize enough how much i love this episode #im so weak. i am SO weak #i have to post this before i think of more things to add i'll be here forever aaaAAAAA #good ep. thank god. THANK god 💕💕💕💕💕

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rotten-dragon · 4 years

Text

A short vent story i wrote while on sleep meds last night! Apologies for the typos, i tried to find and fix as many as I could!

~~~

"Im scared to hurt you, I… I cant be the one to hurt someone so precious as you." He whispered, delicate fingers holding up the other's chin, to look at him.

The shorter male smiled, though it was bittersweet. "You can't hurt me more than I hurt myself, Liu."

The taller one, Liu, let of a soft sigh. "Always so dark," he murmured. His thumb rubbed across Tyler's cheek. "How do i pull you out of yourself?"

Tyler leaned into Liu's touch, closing his eyes. "I dont… Entirely know." Was his response.

"Well what do you know?"

"That I want you… I dont… I dont care if you hurt me, Liu." Tyler opened his brown eyes, and looked onto the emerald one's staring down at him. "I just want us to be together. I want you to hold me. To kiss me, and cuddle with me I want to run my hands through your hair, and kiss your adorable freckles.. I want to comfort you if youre upset, and for you to do the same with me, I wa—mmf!"

Tyler was cut off when Liu crashed his lips into his own. They kissed for a long moment. Tyler's arms wrapped around Liu's neck. Liu's fingers entangled themselves in Tyler's blonde mowhawk, tugging hust enough for a small stinging to arise. Tyler didn't mind it. As long as it was Liu.

What was only seconds felt like glorious minutes to both the men.

"I love you," Liu whispered when he pulled away, lips only centimeters away from connecting with Tyler's again.

Tyler smiled softly, and his eyes glossed over. Those pesky butterflies fluttered wildly in his stomach. "Shush, you handsome dummy." Tyler murmured. "I might cry if you say that..."

"Its okay to cry," The killer responded. "Because I love you, and I want you to feel safe enough to cry around me."

Tyler pressed his face into Liu's chest. His eyes stung, yet he inhaled sharpy. Trying to stop the tears from falling as he always did. "Shhh-shhush," he stammered out, voice wavering. "I-I dont… Dont want you to sss-see me like this…!"

One hand moved to rub Tyler's back. Liu kissed Tyler's head. "Its okay," Liu told him softly. He knew that Tyler must have something else bothering him. There had to be so much going on inside that mind of his. Yet Tyler never seemed to talk about it. Liu wanted to help him and he was going to do so in the way he could. "I dont think you're weird for crying. I won't yell at you. I wont scream. Ill hold you, okay? ill hold you, and love you while you let out your emotions. I want to do that for you."

Tyler let out a sob. His hold on Liu tightened as tears slipped down his rosy cheeks. His mind was screaming at him to stop. To not show such a pathetic side of himself to Liu. But he couldn't contain himself when Liu openly showed love and support in this way.

Tyler wasn't sure how long he cried in Liu's arms. It could've been an hour or more. But Liu never stopped ccomforting Tyler, and holding him close. Eventually, he was able to pull himself together and look up at Liu, who gave him a sweet smile. "Feel a little better, darling?" Liu asked softly.

Tyler sniffled, and nodded. He smiled back at Liu then proceeded too… Sink his teeth into Liu's shoulder...?

"Oh?" Liu raised a brow and chuckled. "Are you a Piranha now, Ty?"

"Mhm!" Tyler nodded not moving from where he was. He giggled deviantly. He didn't bite too hard. (He could never hurt Liu!)

"Does my little Piranha need a snack? Maybe some water?" Liu hummed. He had never stopped rubbing Tyler's back.

Tyler hummed with thought, then pulled back and nodded. "Feeeeeed meeeeee!" Tyler purposefully made his voice deeper, and croaky.

Liu let out a laugh, and nodded. "Alright my little piranha, lets go get you a snack!" Liu picked Tyler up Briadal style, making the shorter one squeak in suprize. If wasnt often that Liu did this but every time he did, it was always a suprize! Tyler just smiled as Liu carried him to the kitchen.

He was happy. Liu made him feel happy. Accepted. Loved, unconditionally.

#creepypasta #self insert #vent fic #homicidal liu #liu woods #long post #tyler #liu x tyler #my art

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hey-hamlet · 5 years

Text

BNHA AU Ideas : The villain’s little hero

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: All Might, Japan's number 1 villain has a successor. The problem? His successor is a hero hopeful. All Might will stop at nothing to make sure his kid gets to live his dream.

au where all might is a villain raising izuku to be a hero!

quirkless izuku, his backstory is mostly the same

all might decided that hero work had too much red tape. if he was going to take down afo, he needed the freedom to do whatever he had to and he wasnt getting that working within the law

so hes a,,, viilllaaaiinnn?? like. stain. but less murdery, would also save civilians if they were in danger

he has 0 qualms about crippling fake heroes but hes not a fan of murder

nighteye is still his sidekick, he doesnt use his quirk on allmight bc all might h a t e s it

hes kinda on board with "the future is only set in stone because you've seen it now" so he wants the freedom to break fate. but its very useful to get info, so nighteye just uses it on other people

hero to the people villain to literally everyone else

allmights villain costume is reallll similar to his hero costume. just less eye bleeding

he has longer grey hair too.

all mights bronze age costume is basically his villain costume thanks for listening

david shield is still in this story

david agrees w all might and like,,, sneaks him stuff on the downlow

all might told him ab. his quirk because who on earth is gonna believe that one america man about japans worst supervillain?

also melissa is a Soft Young Woman and she is all mights favourite person on this fucking planet until he meets izuku

all might went to ua, only defected after completing his hero training because he wanted to be trained by the people he was going to screw over

izuku has always kinda been a big fan of all might. not openly because hes legally a villain and very much paints himself as one, but his quirk is one of the most amazing things izuku has ever seen

when he looks closer, all might has never let a civilian get hurt once hes been on scene. hes taken hits to protect housing, hes pulled heroes from the line of fire

izuku watches his sports festivals and wonders why? why did all might, the man who happily told the world he'd stop at nothing to keep them safe, suddenly flip sides like that for no reason?

izuku doesnt buy it

izuku's big yellow backpack is a big red one in this universe, hes had it so long its gone pink but he still loves it

the sludge villain

all might saves him and izuku is crying. allmight thinks its because hes scared but izuku just turns to him with this big weepy eye smile and gives him the most genuine thanks he thinks hes ever been given

(its honestly the shock of that that makes him deflate into small might, which has izuku scrambling to find tissues and called an ambulance before he thinks better of calling emergency services for All Might)

izuku is like "Im SO SORRY SIR ARE YOU oK"

and all might is like ",,, b oy"

izuku softly asking

"can,, can i still be someone with out a quirk? can i still make a difference?"

all might doesnt get the chance to anser because there is a massive explosion in the distance

its bakugo!! hes dying

the sludge villain got away bc izuku and all might were chatting a little

izuku hears it and he feels this terrible realization, because its probably not bakugo? but its definitely bakugo because izuku's life is falling to pieces

he sprints towards him and katsuki will n e v e r admit it but he feels hope in that moment because some one is trying to help. even if its just izuku, he wasnt totally left for dead

all might sees this tiny, nervous, quirkless kid run straight up to a villain that almost killed him seconds before to save someone what looks like they'd rather die

and he thinks

"no one deserves one for all more than him"

and allmight, the most wanted villain in japan, maybe the world, jumps in

the heroes look at him and they are scared. if they couldnt take the sludge villain, what is all might going to do to them? but the scariest man in japan, the person parents tell their kids about to stop them from going out at night, blows the sludge villain to tiny pieces and carefully, gently, places the two boys by the heroes

before he vanishes before they can call for backup or even ask why

izuku gets yelled at by the heroes because the heroes are scared and angry they couldnt stop either of the villains and izuku is so overwhelmed that hes crying and he can hardly breathe

bakugo doesnt even yell at him because hes so dazed about everything that happened and he cant make himself yell at this sobbing kid that used to be his friend

(bakugo is holding izukus hand like hes going to crush it but its the only thing keeping izuku present)

izuku is walking home and hes still hicuping and crying because he almost died and the heroes hate him and he feels a hand on his shoulder, and a soft :"its ok now my boy"

he knows its all might but he cant help but hide his face in his shirt and sob

all might gets down so he can look izuku in the eye

"you asked me if you could be someone with out a quirk and i didnt get the chance to answer. my answer? you already are someone. you are someone that inspired me, a villain, to save the day. you are going to be amazing"

and looks him dead in the eye "you'll do amazing things, even with out a quirk. but, you of all people deserve one, and no matter what you chose to do with it, it can be yours. hero, villain or someone in between"

izuku looks at this villain

this painfully thin villain, who just saved his life and who has unimaginable strength

and he throws his arms around his waist and sobs

inko isnt a great mum in this au and she likes to basically pretend izuku doesnt exist

izuku trains a lot and has to make his own food bc his mum just ignores him

he sneaks out at night to clear trash and sneaks back in before dawn to clean the sand from his hair

he smells like saltwater and rust, and he hasnt slept more than 4 hours a night in weeks and katsuki is worried

all might sees him crumbling with a smile stuck on his face and he wants to stop him from self-destructing, but the kid will never learn his lesson until he feels his body give up under what hes doing to it. if all might steps in he'll do it again and again until no one stops him and hes never learnt his limit.

so he waits and he watches while he pretends he cant see the bags under his eyes and pretends that everytime izuku sways on his feet he doesnt feel a jolt of deep panic

did he do this? if he the reason izuku looks like hes falling apart before his eyes?

the kid passes the fuck out and all might tells him off in a soft dad way and izuku cries bc why does this villain care more than his mum does

and all might catches the end of that little mumble, and feels terrible so he pretends he didnt hear and takes him for lunch

they go to a cafe and all might buys izuku the cutest slice of cake and a big ass bowl of katsudon and some fancy fucking tea and covers the kids eyes every time he tries to look at the prices

izuku looks at all might and asks

"are you buying me katsudon with crime money"

and all might looks sheepish and izuku giggles like an idiot and says "dont tell me ill feel bad!!!"

all might grins bc this kid is honestly the only reason he hasnt stabbed a pro hero in a few months bc hes so fucking sweet

he has to carry izuku half the way home bc the kid could barely lift his chopsticks and almost fell asleep in the booth after he finished eating

and allmight, skinny and kinda scary is giving his 15 year old a piggy back and someone says "you're such a good dad!" and he almost coughs up his last lung

izuku mumbles sleepily and hes has the biggest warm and fuzzy feeling and hes going to yell bc hes All Might the No. 1 Villain and this fucking kid is drooling on his sweater but he would die for him

some random stranger on the street commenting on how it was rly fortunate that izuku inherited his adorable smile from his father

all might, abt to burst into tears: whack

allmight is easily flustered even when hes killed a man

he comes home and inko isnt there so he has to like, wake up izuku to get him to open the door and he feels bad bc izuku is a Sleepy Man

izuku mumbles that he cant ever tell if shes at home or not because nothing changes and all might feels a wave of "wait my son isnt being parented enough"

so he makes izuku a cup of tea and tucks him into bed after he has a shower because izuku is His Son Now Inko

hes like

sitting in the living room reading the paper and he hears inko's car and hes like ",,, fuck it im walking out the front door im no coward"

she doesnt even notice and hes going to scream because does she have a brain

inko, spaced out, tired and terrible: oh is the tall man here for izuku :))) thats great :)))

all might is screaming bc"" do you get let weird men into see your tiny son>???? what the fuck???

hes so small inko??? and you?? let random men in?????

all might would yeet her into the sun if he could but his boy needs an actual family member to make going to ua easier

inko is kinda mentally ill. she is depressed and often forgets she has izuku. like shes not always being terrible she just sometimes forget to do basic things

one time she locked izuku out of the house for 10 hours and he had to sleep next to the front door

one month she didnt buy any food so by the end of it he was starving and out of his own money and there was n o t h i n g in the house, but inko would go out to eat every night and lunch and not take her son

allmight is upset bc izuku didnt tell him but izuku is embarrassed. embarrassed that he was forgotten by his own mum, that he couldnt do anything to help her or himself and honestly mad he was so hungry all might noticed bc he didnt want to bug him

it was getting to the point that katsuki actually slipped some change into his bag with a candy bar

#bnha au #bnha #villains hero au #villain all might #all might #midoriya izuku #midoriya #deku #katsuki bakugou #toshinori yagi #yagi #midoriya inko #dadmight #david shield #melissa shield #mha #boku no hero

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void-official · 5 years

Text

“Micro-identities/’Mogai/ya’ll literally just be making shit up now” OK. i’m sorry im stuck on this and this is the last i’ll talk about it today bc fuck it. I’m gonna be Real for a second. And it’s going to be awkward, and it’s going to be long, and I’m gonna Lose Follower bc defending micro-labels is Cringe. Whatever. I get it. go ahead and unfollow. The rest of you who actually care. and in the spirit of Pride Month, as someone who feels like they’re almost never allowed to express Pride in who I am? Here we go.

I’m bi. Most of you can probably tell, im not exactly subtle about it.

I’m bi. But

my actual interest in dating or having sex with Anyone has been pretty much negligible for my entire life. I just don’t Care. I never have. Dating and sex seem like a hassle to me and I don’t feel like i’m particularly missing out by not taking part in them. It doesn’t negate my enjoyment of peoples bodies necessarily, nor does it mean I never get crushes on people it just means at the end of the day, my desire to go out there and find people to have sex with and/or date has always been like. really really low. Even if the opportunity was there. And i’ve come to terms with this. I accept this about myself.

There is actually a great deal of overlap between bi and ace identity. all those ‘weird little terms’ like ‘demisexual’ you guys hate so much were originally created for people like me, who feel like they are fundamentally not allowed to call themselves something straightforward like ‘bi’ (or straight/gay/lesbian) without people inevitably screaming at them for Doing It Wrong. So they can describe how they feel in a brief word, instead of having to go through the pains of explaining the complex relationship they have with sexual attraction to every fucking person who asks what their sexuality is.

saying ‘well you should just be able to say bi and leave it at that’ doesn’t actually account for the experiences i have when i Just Say i’m Bi. Even me Just Saying ‘im bi’ i’ve always gotta deal with harassment from people whoget weirdly agressive about -why- i’m not out there fucking or dating the people i claim im attracted to. Am I a prude? a Tease? Just an ‘Acey’ lying for brownie points? Am I Actually Just Traumatized? (They ask in a really aggressive condescending way, like thats actually how you should talk to someone you think is potentially traumatized) But by the standards of this discourse, i’m not allowed to call myself ace either, because then people are going to yell at me that if I experience the tiniest smidgen of sexual attraction or romantic inclination sometimes, or post pictures of sexy video game characters, clearly i cant be that either I literally can’t win. there is not a thing I can call myself that won’t earn me the ire of LGBT people on tumblr who think they know me and what i should call myself better than I do. And believe me i hate talking about this More than you do. I’d rather just shut up and let people Assume i’m whatever they want me to be sometimes but then mutuals i thought i trusted will inevitably openly make fun of the people who outwardly call themselves demisexual or whatever microlabel is trendy to shit on currently, and usually i bite my tongue cause at the end of the day its Just Words, right? I don’t even use that word, right? Its just words and some words can be interchangeable and not everyone knows what they mean which can feel alienating and unnecessary to people who don’t understand them. I -get- why people ‘cringe’ when they see like 10 terms they don’t understand in someones bio. why do you think i don’t even list anything about my sexuality in mine other than my pronouns?

but I always remember like. just bc that label isnt For Me, it doesn’t mean there might be someone in a similar position to me who doesnt feel comfortable just calling themeslves bi, and prefers the label ‘demisexual biromantic’ who feels like that phrase puts them in a place of peace and contentment, and I wouldn’t argue with them about it. Bc thats their fucking choice. Them being happy with who they are takes priority over my personal opinions of the language they use. same with gender nonconforming people who dont want call themselves trans or nonbinary. Thats fucking Fine. I’m not telling you to have to use the same words as me if you don’t feel like they’re necessary or accurate. I literally don’t give a rats ass what words you use to identify yourself so long as they’re not being used to hurt other people. I just want to be able to have Words, for myself, that describe how I feel, that don’t result in people treating my entire identity like some shitty discourse Meme. And right now I have none. No matter what I call myself, people choose tell me it’s not accurate, or its too complicated.

As for all these shitty fucking posts about people ‘forcing’ young people to take up labels. This. This doesn’t actually happen? (OK I won’t say it doesn’t happen ever on an individual level? but that its not something enforced or encouraged by any group as a practice, and that distinction is necessary, bc saying it happens on a large scale literally implies predatory intentions from a massive group of people instead of members of the group behaving poorly as individuals)

Demisexual people as a whole have literally never told me i had to call myself demi just bc my sense of how i experience attraction might be similar to theirs. Ace people as a whole don’t usually tell people whose lack of sexual attraction is caused by trauma or who havent developed enough to experience sexual attraction that they -have- to call themselves ace. Most Bi or Pan people are fine with the fact that their labels have a lot of overlap and that the line between these things can be murky, they arent actually constantly ready to tear each others throats out over whose terminology is correct. All of this shit is made up by hateful people, or people taking a few examples of poor behavior out of context as an excuse to shit on everyone else, and well meaning people keep falling for it bc it -seems- helpful to be. reactive. I guess? to people you’re constantly told are hurtful to the causes of marginalized people. but im telling you. its not true. literally nobody forces you to call yourself any of these words, they just Exist out there in case you want them, and if you think thats somehow a threat to other peoples identities or to Minors just like, conceptually, for existing, for being Too Specific, im sorry but what other word is there for your reaction than phobic? If an individual derails a conversation about Y to be like “You didn’t include _X_” or tries to force their views on a minor who hasn’t developed a stable sense of identity yet, that is an Individual behaving in an inappropriate manner, not an invitation for you to throw the whole group under the bus. I hate to tell you but if you’re using examples of individuals on tumblr who say stupid shit, everyone on tumblr says stupid shit and butts in conversationally where they’re not welcome. Universally. It’s how tumblr is formatted. Trust me, I have like 4 viral posts going right now.

i’m just tired of it at this point. im not cool with people who stretch to make fun of micro-labels all the time and think they’re being woke allies or w/e to the ‘real LGBTs’. Even if a lot of the time I personally don’t care for all the labels and wouldn’t choose them for myself, I still feel like If you can’t treat people like individuals and assess their character on a case by case basis, i don’t trust you. I don’t like people who stereotype and LGBT people are not immune to this behavior. Like i don’t say it often but it fucking hurts, and it hurts other people I’m close to who I know have similar complicated identities and struggle coming up w/words to describe themselves that the whole of tumblr LGBT+ will approve of and agree with (clearly an impossibility because there are still people who don’t want bi and trans to even be in there). I might tolerate the constant jokes and not block on principle of knowing not everyone has ingested and thought about this discourse in the same way I have, and im a big tough adult, ultimately i can take it. but inside i know no matter what i call myself, if i were earnest with some of you about how i feel I’d probably be just another ‘special snowflake Delusional mogai creep’ to you, and i can’t deny that fucking hurts to think about. I try not to talk about it openly bc it embarrasses me, bc i dont think my sexuality should have to be battle ground for discourse for people who are supposed to be on my side. But there it is. I think most of this discourse is Trash, and clearly not for the reason most people on here say its trash, not bc theres ‘too many specific words, y’all just be Making Shit Up’ but because so many of you are more caught up in the words than the substance of the arguments or the needs of people whose experiences might have a lot of overlap with yours regardless of what word they’re using to describe it.

Anyway. happy pride to LGBTQA+ people who still dont really feel pride in themselves or their identity. I’d say you’re valid, but you don’t need my validation or anyone elses to understand that you’re a person deserving of respect and compassion. You exist as who you are, and you have to come to terms with who that is, regardless of whether or not you feel like you’re accepted for it. if not pride then, settle for confidence in who you are.

#........./#....../#././#././/./#/././..#long post

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cryinggameff · 6 years

Text

Sixty Eight

Randi

Cayden was gone for work all week, and I was struggling being without him. He called several times a day to check in or just talk but it wasn’t the same. Being away from him was almost physically painful right now. It’s like the baby actually knew he was gone and made me feel this pull towards him.

The only thing keeping me going was that he had promised to take me away once he got back. He had been saying for several weeks that he was gonna bring me to Jamaica because I was all he could think about while He was there last. Until then I was just focusing on work and hanging with my friends. My mom was staying at the house currently because Cay called her behind my back and told her I needed her help while he was gone.

“Have some breakfast,” she said, pushing the plate to me.

“I’m not ready to eat yet, I’ll just have some juice.”

“You need some real calories, hows the baby supposed to grow?” She said. I looked down at my small bump, taking in what she said.

“Maybe just a little bit,” I mumbled, sitting at a chair. She made me a plate with way too much excitement and brought it to me. I started nibbling away and she watched my eat. It was just like Cayden was here.

“So when’s your next appointment?” She asked.

“When Cayden gets back. It was supposed to be a bit ago because I’m over three months but I kept putting it off,” I moved aside the eggs that were looking very off putting for some reason.

“Are you gonna find out the gender?”

“I don’t know yet. I kind of want it to be a surprise,” I shrugged. She shook her head.

“Then how am I supposed to start shopping!?” She looked at me like I was crazy. I laughed.

“You can by it when he gets here,” I offered.

“So you think it’s a boy?” She said. My brows came together.

“I have no idea.”

“You said he,” she smiled. I blushed. It was just a habit, honestly I didn’t really think about it that much. I was just focused on getting the baby out safe and sound and surviving the pregnancy myself. A boy would be cute though, and a lot of fun for Cay. But so would a little girl, and I could really see Cay spoiling her.

“Maybe I’ll find out,” I said. I looked at my watch. “I have to go to my appointment now. You can go home mom, I’ll be fine here,” I got up from the chair.

“Go ahead. I’ll clean up. Are you sure honey?”

“I’m sure. I’ll call you if I need anything. I’m not gonna be here until later tonight anyways,” I pointed out.

“Okay then. I’ll head out soon, I’ll have my cell, I can be here in 5 minutes,” she smiled.

“Okay. Bye mom, I love you,” I grabbed my things and prepared to leave before she could make me late.

When I got to Dr. Williams office, the secretary was on the phone and typing away on her computer she looked so flustered. I wondered why it was so busy. I had to sit and wait until she got off the phone.

"So sorry to keep you waiting dear. All appointments for today are cancelled. Mrs. Williams went into labour this morning," she said.

"Oh! Wow, how exciting," i said, imagining the day i would be in that position.

"Yeah, she was getting ancy, she was a week over due already. How far along are you?"She looked at my bump with a smile.

"4 months. I still got a while to go," i ran my hand over my small bump.

"It will go quickly from here, dont worry," she said. That sounded comforting and frightening.

"Im sure it will," i said simply.

"She left a message for you by the way," she said, turning to her computer. I wasn't surprised, Dr. Williams was a family friend by this point and she would feel bad about cancelling one of our appointments. "She says she emailed you the hospital shes at with visiting hours and that you're welcome to come see the baby."

"I hadn't checked my email," i said, pulling out my phone. I checked my mail and sure enough there was an email from her. "Thank you for letting me know. Ill give her a call. Thank you," i said.

"No problem hun. Did you want to see someone else?" she asked. "Dr. Hillinger is in today."

"No thats fine. Thanks though. Have a good day," I said, grabbing my phone off the counter. I left the office and went back to my car. I debated whether or not to go back home but decided i might as well go to the salon. I didn't really wanna be home alone anyways.

Cole

Ty was staying with me for the last few days and we had been having a good time, i loved having him around. Honestly, i got really lonely being here on my own. I didnt have him, i didn't have Randi or any of my other friends. I didn't wanna tell him that though. That day we were going to go watch a basketball game, id gotten the tickets a while ago because i knew it was a game he wanted to see.

"Yo, lets go man," i yelled at him from the door of my apartment. He was fixing his hair in the mirror in the bathroom. For a dude who was supposed to be all tough and shit he cared a lot about his appearance, especially his waves. He finally came out and i opened the door to leave.

We had to wait to get into the arena because the line was crazy.

"I told you we should have left earlier," i said.

"Chill, we'll get in soon," he said squeezing my hand which was in his.

"Man whatever," i mumbled, looking around at all the people. That's when i saw the people beside us, an older couple. They were looking at us like we had horns growing from our head or something. I scoffed and Trey turned to look at what i was staring at. This wasn't my first run in with openly homophobic people, hell i'd had things thrown at me by strangers before. But i doubted Trey had experienced this before and i wasn't sure what he would do or feel. I would have understood if he dropped my hand or back away, but he pulled me closer to him and said,

"Can we help you?" to the man and lady. They looked shocked and both of them went as red as tomatoes before turning away. I smirked and looked at Trey. It was a confidence booster seeing him stick up for us like that, that he didn't deny me when it would have been easier.

"What?" he asked when i continued to look a him.

"Nothing," i said, but the truth was in that moment i realised i was dead ass in love with Trey, like i could really see myself spending the rest of my life with the nigga, and that terrified me. I let go of his hand and put my hands in my pockets. He looked a bit confused but didn't say anything.

The game was good and all and we had a fun watching but the day just went left after that incident. I knew it was me, i was acting off and he noticed. We barely talked on the way back to my apartment. When we got there he just packed his things because he was leaving that night.

"Well, i guess imma head out then, i gotta get home," he said, closing the duffle bag that was on the bed.

"I'll walk you to your car," i said, getting up from the bed.

At his car we paused and awkwardly kissed, then he got inside and that was that. I knew i shouldn't have left it like that but i was feeling overwhelmed, id never felt like this before, honestly never thought i would. The scariest part was i didn't know if Ty loved me back. I decided to go for a run instead of staying in my place so i could clear my head.

I had just gotten back in to town when my phone rang. I picked it up because it was likely work.

"Yo," i said.

"ey, its me," Cayden said.

"Was good my nigga? How that deal going?" I pulled up at the light and put my phone on speaker.

"Niggas aint have my money yet, im giving them one more day, after that i'm bout to bounce," he was moving stuff around in the back.

"Why you even give them another day?" I chuckled. "You getting soft my nigga,"

"Man, it aint even like that. I know dude."

"Aight, bet. What you need?" I asked, wondering why he was calling me.

"Go see Randi for me," he said. I should have guessed.

"Aight, but you know theres already niggas there watching your place right?"

"It aint that, i need someone to check if she need anything. That reminds me, pull up with food. Ice cream, saltine crackers, that's what she be craving," he said. Damn, i thought, this pregnancy thing sounded like a trip. Cayden was happy as hell though, and i was happy for him. I was pretty excited to be an uncle too.

"Man she be having you be her servant and shit huh?"

"You have no idea," he mumbled.

"Lucky i like your wife, i'll go."

"Good looking out," he said. "And yo, don't be having no smart mouth, she be all emotional and stuff cause of the baby."

"Ill be good," i promised with a smirk.

"Cool. I gotta go, catch you later."

"Bet," i said, then hung up. Well there went my plans to go home and crash.

It was around 9pm when i got all the stuff and pulled up to the house. I rang the doorbell and waited for a minute. She opened the door after a minute.

"Ty?" she said, surprised.

"Hey nugget," i smiled, walking in past her. She closed the door and followed as i walked to the kitchen. "Are you home alone? What happened to your friends?"

"I sent them home," she said with a shrug. "I was getting annoyed of having people fussing over me."

"Thats fair," i said, putting the bag from the store down. "Well your nigga sent me, made me get you shit too."

She opened the bag and pulled out the ice cream, crackers and some other stuff id gotten. She smiled which then quickly faded.

"What?" i said.

"Nothing," she said, all teary eyed and lip quivering. Well fuck. I stood there confused and not sure what to do. Maybe eating will help, i thought. So i went to the drawer and got a spoon. I handed it to her hesitantly. She opened the ice cream and started to eat it. She continued to cry while eating it. Wow Cayden had been right, but i aint even say nothing.

"I saw Cole today," I blurted. That was one thing i knew made her happy. That was her nigga. "He asked about you."

"How is he?" She asked around some ice cream.

"He's good," i nodded, "we went to a basketball game."

"Thats cute."

"It was until he started acting weird," i mumbled. She wiped her tears and sat down on the stool.

"What happened?" she asked. I barely even knew.

"Well i told some people off in line that were looking at us, then he got all quiet. But i don't know why he'd be mad that i stuck up for us," i shrugged.

"Did you ask him?" she said, passing me a spoon. I dug my spoon in and started eating too.

"Nah. I was lowkey mad that he was being pissy after i drove all the way there to see the nigga. He be confusing me. Dating girls was easier," i sucked my teeth. Randi laughed. I grinned, it was way better to see her laughing than crying.

"If its hard that means its the real thing. Just let him know you love him and move on," she suggested. My brows came together.

"We don't really be doing all that," i said simply.

"You clearly love him Ty. Why can't you say that?" She asked. I shrugged.

"Men," she rolled her eyes.

We ate more food for a while until it got really late.

"You should go to bed, doesn't the baby need sleep or something?" i asked seriously. She died laughing.

"I am tired though, ill probably go up," she looked at her phone for the time. "You can stay if you want."

"Thanks but i gotta head home, i gotta go do something later tonight," i said, getting up and stretching. She walked me over towards the door. "Hit me up if you need anything."

"I will," she said, leaning up to kiss me on the cheek. "Be careful tonight," she said, giving me a mom look. I nodded and stepped out. I got int my car and finally went to my house.

Randi

The next morning i woke up early to go to the florist. I wanted a nice bouquet because i was going to see Dr. Williams for a little bit in the hospital. My mom was coming along because they were friends, i was glad to have the company.

"Those are really nice," i said to a bouquet she was holding.

"I think so to. Lets get a toy or something for the baby," she suggested. I walked over the where there were cards and stuffed animals. There was a really cute giraffe staring at me, and i picked it up. It had these huge eyes and was so soft.

"You used to have a giraffe, one of your first toys, that thing was so dirty but you loved it," My mom said from behind me. I smiled. I could imagine me as a baby playing with this little guy.

"I like this one," i said.

"Ok, we can do the flowers and that," she said. I shook my head.

"Its not for her," I said. "Im getting it for myself."

"Ok," she said confused, but picked up another toy. "ill go pay."

I smiled and went to go pay for the giraffe. This was the first thing id ever buy for my baby, i hoped he or she would like it.

"Thank you for coming by Randi," Dr. Williams smiled big. She was holding a little pink bundle in her arms.

"Of course. Im so happy for you. She's beautiful," i said.

"You'll be holding your own soon. Want to practice?" She asked, moving the bundle towards me. I was nervous for some reason. Not like i hadn't held babies before, but id never held one while i was several months pregnant myself. I hesitated but she practically shoved the baby into my arms. I held the baby in my arms and looked down at her, heart racing. To my surprise she was alert, eyes fixed on me. God, those eyes. Id never seen such pure love, and innocence, trusting anyone and everyone. For a second i saw a little version of my own eyes looking up at me and my breath caught in my chest. But i blinked and it was gone.

When i got back home i went up to my room to lay down. Cayden face timed me shortly after and he asked me what id done all day. I told him id gone shopping and saw Dr. Williams.

"I got something today, for the baby," i said, blushing. He smirked.

"Lets see it," he said. I lifted up the giraffe to the screen.

"His name is George," i said. He chuckled and i giggled.

"I love it," he said. I paused for a moment.

"She let me hold her baby today," i said, looking down at the toy. "She was beautiful Cayden."

"I bet she was," he said.

"Yeah, but for a second...i didnt see her...I saw our baby," i whispered. I was surprised he even heard me. He cheesed and i laughed a little. I probably sounded insane.

"What did he or she look like?" he asked.

"It was a boy," i said, pausing to think back to the moment "really small, but fat cheeks, curly hair like yours," i smiled, getting a little emotional. It was joy though, not sadness. "your mouth, but the eyes, where like looking at myself."

"Damn, he sound like a good looking nigga," Cay said. I nodded.

"He was," i murmured, running a hand over my belly. "I cant wait to meet him."

"I know, me too," he said.

We talked a little bit more then said i love you and goodbye. I wished he was here to hug me right now, but he wasn't, so i got into bed with the little giraffe and put it on his side of the bed.

"There," i smirked. I turned the light off and went to sleep.

#chris brown #New Chapter #fanfiction #fandom #fan fiction #fanfic #fanfic update #writing #writers #Jhene Aiko #jhene chilombo #jhene efuru #jhene aiko fanfic #jhene aiko ff #tyga #j cole #j cole fanfic #lgbtq fiction #lgbtq

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virmillion · 6 years

Text

Waves

alternatively, i dont know how to title this but hey @leesacrakon remember that nerd anon who said they wanted to write stuff after reading your story? i was the nerd oops // i dont love this one ive definitely done better and had a different angle at first but i think it turned out ok // its kind of angsty? definitely more so at the end just fyi

Words: 4.2k

Song: Waves by Dean Lewis

Pairings: platonic moxiety, morality (it might be romantic? idk i dont know how to write romance)

Warnings: smoking, let me know if there’s more

There is a swelling storm And I’m caught up in the middle of it all And it takes control Of the person that I thought I was The boy I used to know

The moon rises proudly in the sky, shining against the dark night and illuminating a pair of brown eyes. Patton grips the edge of his windowsill, gritting his teeth sharply as the sound of a pen pressed too hard pounds through his ears. Logan, scribbling away with his research. Again. What he wouldn’t give for Virgil’s headphones right now. Rather than mourn the loss of peace in his room, Patton slips across the hall to Logan’s room, knocking softly on the door.

“Enter,” Logan calls back, his writing not pausing for one second. The handle, cool to the touch, turns easily as the door swings open in silence, as if Logan oils it every day to avoid creaking. Frankly, Patton wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. The room beyond is jarring in its contrasts—a perfectly made bed beside a fully stocked wardrobe, out of which no rumpled clothes are hanging. Against this pristine organization is a scene of utter chaos, crushed papers strewn across the floor between dozens of pencils split down the middle, twins to the dismantled pens with their ink sprayed everywhere. Wading through the sea of trash, Patton arrives at the black desk chair in the corner, above which a tuft of purple hair peeks out. Scattered around the desk are more crumpled papers and broken pens, along with several burn marks on the wooden desk, as well as more than a few cigarette butts.

“I thought we talked about this,” Patton murmurs, picking one up and rubbing it between his fingers. Logan doesn’t seem to hear, one hand buried in his hair while the other is poised with a black pen over a piece of paper, which is covered in scratched-out words. Ink stains his skin everywhere, and creates splotchy patterns on the desk where it bled through the papers, intermingling with the burn marks. Some even reached his tie, staining the blue irreparably. With a nudge, Patton tries again for Logan’s attention.

Logan mutters a string of curse words before slamming the pen down on his desk, balling up the paper and chucking it across the room. More ink gets on his hands, and as he turns around to face Patton, his face turns out to have even more from running a hand over it in distress. “What? What is it? I’m busy.”

“Whatcha workin’ on?” Patton scrapes a few of the cigarette remnants into a garbage can, then sets about fixing up the rest of the room’s mess.

“Thomas has this big presentation in a week, and no idea how to do it,” Logan sighs, watching Patton putter about like a Roomba. “Virgil’s in overdrive, detailing every last thing that can go wrong, and Roman’s absolutely no help at all. He won’t stop insisting that I add some sort of dramatic flair, to make it seem more impressive.” Logan rubs his temples gently, smudging more ink across his face.

“Well, what’s it on?” Patton conjures up a paper towel to pick up all the pens, a practical foresight to avoid being covered in ink.

“Nothing you’d understand,” Logan says. He turns back to his work, pulling a fresh sheet of paper from a stack on the floor. Conversation over, apparently. The angle he grabs the paper at is too sharp, ripping it down the middle as it comes free of the pages above it. An infuriated Logan tears the remainder to shreds, feeding his anger even more. As the bits rain down like confetti, he snaps his head back to Patton, who’s still cleaning up after his research problems. “What are you still doing in here? Get out!” Quite unaccustomed to ever hearing Logan raise his voice unless a falsehood was uttered, Patton freezes, splintered pen in hand. “Are you waiting for a formal letter? I said get out!” Patton scurries out the door, tugging it shut behind him. He couldn’t have moved any faster if you had told him there was a puppy on the other side. The sound of viciously scrawling pens resumes in full force, even angrier.

Back in his own room, chased by the sounds of Logan’s furious writing, Patton sits on the edge of his bed with a box. A box of old memories, a box of what used to be, a box of before. He rifles through pictures, trinkets, collectible nothings that should have been thrown away years ago, before he grew an attachment to them. When he calls them memories, he isn’t kidding—each individual object is reminiscent of the moment it came from, cherished times for Patton to look back on and smile. A star sticker from when Logan helped Thomas get his first perfect score on a test. The certificate from when Thomas bought and named a star on Logan’s behalf. A conch shell from when Logan argued with Patton over whether the roaring was the ocean calling, or just the blood roaring in his ears. What happened to the Logan that argued in good fun, instead of yelling at Patton? This Logan, the angry one, he has no place in this box. Not until Patton adds in the cigarette butt, cementing the time that Logan yelled at Patton. Actually yelled, not just pretending for fun. A cold shiver, like icy fingers, skitters across Patton’s skin as the memory gets locked down in the box, and locked down in his mind. He can’t say he likes the bad times, but bad times are better than no times at all. Usually.

But there, is a light In the dark, and I feel its warmth In my hands, and my heart Why can’t I hold on?

A week comes and goes, Thomas survives his presentation, Virgil takes a much-needed break, and Logan cleans his room up. Everything should be fine now. Everything should be solved, just a little bump in the road. Nothing Patton can’t handle. Nothing at all. Not entirely nothing, but mostly. Just one thing. One little something that he can’t ignore. Those burn marks on Logan’s tie, the tie he refuses to change or replace, emitting a heavy smell of smoke that grows stronger by the day.

“Again?” Patton asks, grabbing Logan by the wrist after recording a long video. He plucks the small white cylinder from between Logan’s fingers before it can be hidden away. “I am bently jegging you, Logan, please drop this habit before it starts hurting Thomas.”

“Bently jegging?” Logan remarks, avoiding the question.

“Gently begging, same difference,” Patton says with a wave of his hand. “Just, can you try? For me?” Logan gnaws on the corner of his lip, considering for a moment. One look in Patton’s eyes, and he’s pretty much sold.

“I’ll try,” he relents, relaxing into a slouch. “I suppose it isn’t the best habit to indulge in. For Thomas’ sake.” The cigarette is passed between hands, after which Patton promptly tosses it in the garbage. Sure, he knows Logan has more, and can always conjure extras, but it’s a step forward.

“Maybe a hug?” Patton asks, opening his arms. Logan curls his lip slightly before embracing Patton loosely. The same can’t be said of the latter, who squeezes his arms together like a boa constrictor. Through the thick sweater, Patton feels something flicker, a little bit of warmth melting Logan’s cold shell. Progress.

They only break apart as Virgil passes, giving a weird look at the logical side willingly hugging someone. Logan pushes Patton away quickly, straightening his shirt and mumbling something about getting back to work. Patton gives a soft smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, where the hurt resides. With a matching smile at Virgil, Patton returns to his room.

Hours later, Patton will sneak out of his room to peek into Logan’s, to which the door is left open. He will peer inside at the clean space and feel relief, but only for a second. He will look closer and see the tiny plume of smoke over the desk and gasp. Logan will hear, and snap a finger to close the door in Patton’s face. Logan will not turn around to watch. Patton will sit in his room with a single light on, and he will wonder what happened to the nice, curious kid from when they were younger. And Patton will be alone.

It comes and goes in waves It always does, it always does We watch as our young hearts fade Into the flood, into the flood

The clinking of glass is what wakes Patton a few nights later. He hasn’t asked about the smoking, and Logan hasn’t offered anything. Maybe a good sign, since he at least isn’t doing it so openly now, but Patton isn’t so sure. At least a little suspicious, he eases open his door to glance across the hall—lights out in Logan’s room. The other two doors are dark as well, not unusual at—a check of the watch—three in the morning. Patton leaves the lights off and heads for the kitchen by the light of his phone screen, feet padding softly on the carpeted floor. The only bright spot in the house is the bare lightbulbs in the kitchen, made ever brighter as they bounce off of the coffee mugs on the table. Behind those mugs are Logan, Roman, and Virgil, all of whom look like little kids that got caught swiping candy before dinner.

“Are you kidding me?” Patton asks, his voice cracking.

“Hey, it’s not what it looks like,” Roman says. “We were just talking, and—”

“And what?” Patton whispers. “And you didn’t want me here to talk?” He tosses this out like a joke, as if there’s no way that could be the case, but his eyes fill with horror when none of the other three meet his imploring gaze. “Seriously?”

Logan opens his mouth, certainly about to offer some excuse or another, something completely empty and intended to mollify, not soothe, but Patton isn’t having any of it. He turns on his heel and walks out, leaving silence behind him as the door to his room slams shut. The sound of his memory box crashing to the ground is echoed by the soft noises of clinking coffee mugs down the hall.

In the dark of his room, Patton smiles to himself. At least they’re bonding, right? Even if it’s not with you, they’re having fun, and that’s the important part. He wipes his cheek, and his fingers come away wet. Funny, he didn’t remember turning on a humidifier.

That night, Patton does not dream.

The next morning, Roman does not apologize.

The next day, Virgil does not look at him.

The next week, Logan does not care.

Patton corners the logical side one morning, cutting him off before he can escape to his room for research or something.

“I just want you to explain one thing,” Patton pleads. “Why are you cutting me off?”

Logan is quiet for a moment, cleaning his glasses off on his shirt. “It’s not that I want to,” he sighs, pressing his glasses up his nose. “Thomas is just growing up, and we need to grow with him. I’ve moved past the whole childish thing, and it’s high time you do as well.” Leaving Patton stunned, Logan slips away to his room, locking the door behind him.

He never used to lock the door.

The freedom, of falling A feeling I thought was set in stone It slips through, my fingers I’m trying hard to let go It comes and goes in waves

It would be so easy to stop caring.

It would be so easy to let Logan’s friendship slip away.

It would be so easy to stop trying to hold everything together.

But that’s not what Patton is about.

Instead, Patton sticks to Logan’s side like glue, there for every possible memory he could make. Despite all of Logan’s protests, Patton can feel him wearing down, can feel at Logan’s core that the childlike curiosity that once blossomed in Thomas is still there somewhere, still fighting to reach the surface. That’s the Logan Patton remembers, and that’s the Logan Patton intends to bring out. Not this new one, acting as if nothing is important and he doesn’t have feelings. Patton was there for the late night talks, and he knows how Logan really feels about emotions, how the logical side actually gets hurt when people think of him as cold and unfeeling. Shutting down is the worst plan, but evidently it’s the one Logan is going with. Giving up on Logan is the second worst plan, and you can bet your bottom dollar that Patton will not go that direction if he can help it. Of course, that always leaves the lingering fear that he won’t be able to help it, and Logan will outgrow him without a second thought.

It comes and goes in waves And carries us away Through the wind Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids

“Come on, I wanna show you something,” Patton insists, tugging on Logan’s arm. Fast enough to make his tie flutter, the moral side pulls his friend into his room, not waiting for the door to close.

“What is it? I have very—” Logan begins, immediately cut off by Patton.

“Very important research, I know, I know.” Patton waves his free hand, sitting on the edge of his bed and leaning down to grab something from underneath it. As Logan carefully arranges himself for optimal comfort, Patton sits back up, memory box in hand. “I just really want you to see this.” He plucks out a yellow flower petal, smiling at Logan’s comments about attracting bugs and interrupting the flow of nature and all that stuff Patton doesn’t need to know but loves to hear. “I’ve never tried this before, but I took some liberties from Roman’s room, so just hold the petal and shut your eyes.” A bit dubious, Logan complies, nearly brushing Patton’s finger on the tiny petal.

When the pair open their eyes, they’re back in a big green meadow, dotted with daisies and sprawling under a softly clouded blue sky. “How did you—” Logan starts, running a hand over the grass.

“Like I said, liberties from Roman,” Patton replies. “Not as good, since I’m not exactly the creative one, so everything is gonna feel a little artificial. Still, do you remember it?” Logan glances around the memory carefully, taking in all of the fake sights.

“Yeah, I think I lectured you on cloud types while you just pointed out what shapes they looked like,” Logan says. “Why did you need to show me this?”

“Thomas was only twelve when we were here. Don’t you remember how fun it was, to sit and talk and share our thoughts without all the stress of being an adult with responsibilities?”

“Hm.” Logan shrugs noncommittally, rubbing the flower petal between his fingers.

“I just miss when we had fun. We didn’t have pressure or isolate ourselves in our rooms or yell at our friends instead of asking for their help.” Patton looks down at the same petal, the petal touching a hand connected to an arm attached to a shoulder growing off of Logan. “Can’t we go back to that?”

Logan looks up at Patton, something blossoming in his eyes. It fills Patton with hope, maybe they can really go back, maybe they don’t have to grow apart, maybe Patton doesn’t have to be alone anymore, but Logan speaks and the hope shatters. “No. We can’t.” He releases the petal, disappearing from the memory and leaving Patton by himself. The racing grass blades and vibrant flowers and dashing clouds seem more like taunts at what Patton once had than the peace they used to represent. He drops the flower petal on the fake dirt, opening his eyes back up to his room, Logan gone and the petal on the bed. It goes in the trash.

Memories, of a stolen place Caught in the silence An echo lost in space It comes and goes in waves

Patton only goes back to the flower field once, but the grass is all overgrown, interspersed with weeds, the flower petals all blown away with forceful wind gusts. Even the clouds are no longer a puffy white, instead turning into an overcast grey sky, angry and heavy. One of his happiest memories, with Logan of all people, and it’s been snatched away from him. This time, Patton throws the flower in the sink’s garbage disposal before heading to the far end of the bedroom hall that he normally leaves alone.

“Hey kiddo,” he calls with a knock on the door. The light is out on the other side, but the music playing is loud enough that the room shouldn’t be empty. The door creaks open a bit, enough for Patton to slip inside, pulling the door quietly shut behind him.

“Hey,” Virgil says from the floor beside his bed, headphones on and loud. His legs are bent at the knee, calves and feet resting on the mattress.

“What’re you doing on the floor?” As Virgil mutters something about falling off and being lazy and comfortable, Patton plops down on his rear to join him.

“Why are you in here?” Virgil asks. “You never really hang out in my room anymore. You’ve always been busy with Logan lately.”

“You’re not wrong,” Patton sighs. “But he’s kind of the problem, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Hate to break it to you, but I’m not the feelings department of this mindscape.”

“I know, and that’s not why I’m here. I just didn’t want to be alone.” The pair sits in silence, the only sound in the room coming from the heavy bass in Virgil’s headphones that he’s pulled down from his ears to his neck.

“I get it. I’m here for you.” Virgil’s hand trails along the carpet, finding and linking with Patton’s. He squeezes back, staring at the ceiling and enjoying the escape. His other hand finds a scrap of paper on the ground, stashing it in his pocket for the memory box. Patton shuts his eyes, thankful for the chance to let his mind wander, and not worry about what’s happening outside of the room.

I watched my wild youth Disappear in front of my eyes Moments of magic and wonder It seems so hard to find

When Patton later returns to his room to put the paper scrap in his box, it’s substantially lighter than it used to be. Peering inside, he finds several trinkets slowly vanishing before his eyes, just becoming less opaque until they aren’t there at all. As Patton rifles through the box in horror, he compartmentalizes each memory in his head—all of Virgil’s are still there, along with the new one, all of Roman’s are still there, and only Logan’s are going. Not even all of his, just the old ones, from when they could enjoy each other’s company without the strain of Thomas having an adult life looming over them. All the happy times of the pair in their youth, disappearing into the wind. He runs a hand across some of the keepsakes as they fade, recalling them with a weak smile. A pop bottle lid from the time they pulled an all-nighter simply because they could, going on a wiki walk to learn a bunch of nonsense about bees and flowers. A small books from when they decided they would take up bullet journaling, then promptly abandoned it for more exciting pastimes. The SD card from when Logan wanted to learn computer programming. So many good things, just dissipating to make space for new ones. The crumb that caught in his sock when he saw his three closest friends talking without him. A shard of a splintered pen from when Logan had to prepare for that presentation. A cigarette butt from when Patton caught him again.

Patton swivels in place, stretching for his mini trash can, and holds the box over it, ready to dump all of the contents and forget about them forever. Something stops him. Maybe a spark of hope that it can still work, maybe an inner recognition of the fact that he’ll regret it later in a moment of self-pity.

The box is returned to its place on a high shelf, and Patton falls back on his bed. That little voice that doesn’t want him to give up? It’s fading with the memories.

Is it ever coming back again? Is it ever coming back again? Take me back to the feeling when Everything was left to find It comes and goes in waves

“You’re being unreasonable!”

“And you’re being unsympathetic!”

“I’m being rational and giving Thomas the explanations and solutions he needs!”

“Well I’m the one considering how all of your plans are making him feel! Did you ever wonder if all of these schedules and decisions are overwhelming him? Have you even looked at Virgil lately?”

“Does it look like I have the time to check in on our resident whistleblower?”

“How. Dare. You.”

“Okay, wait, that wasn’t—”

“How dare you? You know how Roman’s jabs affect him, and now you’re adding your own in? Insult to injury, is that it?”

“It isn’t my fault he’s always overreacting to everything!”

“And it isn’t my fault that you’re being an inconsiderate jerk, yet here we are, me trying to fix your problems so this whole family doesn’t fall apart!”

A slamming door.

Angry footsteps.

Loud pen scribbling.

Cursing.

Patton turns and heads for Roman’s door, knocking a few times to get the fanciful side out of whatever fantasy his room might have concocted at the moment. Roman pulls the door open after a few seconds, only a few stray hairs out of place. He pulls them back up on top of his head and steps back, allowing Patton to come in.

“What can I help you with?” Roman asks, straightening his red sash.

“I need a memory.”

“Didn’t I teach you how to keep those? The whole keepsake thing?”

“You did, but that’s not it. The trinkets, well, not important. I need you to bring up a specific memory, and I don’t have a thing to commemorate it.”

“Alright, no problem. Just think of the memory, and I’ll be over here in the corner by myself, not intruding on your memory at all.” A blatant lie, but Patton doesn’t care if Roman sees this. He’d prefer it, actually, so he won’t be alone in remembering.

“Can you do it in the removed sense?” Patton asks. Roman flashes a thumbs up, and Patton closes his eyes, not wanting to ruin for himself the magic behind how Roman works. When he opens his eyes, he’s in Logan’s room, looking down at himself and Logan on the floor, leaning against the bed.

“You can tell me, it’s okay,” Patton says, taking Logan’s hand. He flinches, but doesn’t let go.

“It’s just the robot thing. I don’t get it. I don’t get you. Why do your feelings rule over everything?”

“That’s just what I came to represent, you know? I’m Morality, so I’m his sense of right and wrong, too. I’m more than just emotions, and you’re more than just an unfeeling robot.”

“How can you know that?” Logan sniffles, wiping a hand under his nose before it can start dripping.

“Because I know you. You’re important to me, and I know that on the inside, you care about all of us, and about Thomas. Even if you mock us for wearing our hearts on our sleeves, there’s still a part of you that wants to join in. If that ever happens, I swear that I’ll support you.”

Logan turns his head to look at Patton, an earnest look in his eyes. “Thank you.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

“No, really. Thank you.”

“Roman, I think I’d like to leave now, please.” Patton shuts his eyes, waiting until he’s absolutely certain the memory has vanished.

“You okay?” Roman asks, taking a step toward Patton.

“I’m fine,” he mumbles, tearing out the door for his own room. He doesn’t stop to explain to Roman why he needed that memory, or why he left. Patton doesn’t want to tell Roman that the old Logan is gone. He’s not coming back.

I’m trying hard to let go It comes and goes in waves It comes and goes in waves And carries us away

Patton stands before the fireplace in the commons that night, watching the flames lick the iron frame. His memory box is in his hands, still emptying itself of the happy things. It’s easily late enough for everyone else to be asleep, or at least hanging out without Patton somewhere. He doesn’t really care.

Patton upends the box over the fire, its contents spilling out and curling in on themselves, melting and mixing and falling apart, their particles drifting up with the flames to the fake chimney and through the room, scattering across the commons for anyone to happen upon, an old memory that might make them smile.

The box emptied, Patton lets the heat warm his face, soaking in the past one last time, before it’s out of his reach.

Then he tosses in the box.

Tag list:

@sakurahayasaki @erlenmeyertrash @lemonpepperpizza @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @milomeepit

#sanders sides #labhwrites #mine #virgil #roman #logan #patton #waves #cigarette tw #smoking tw #songfic #hopefully this is alright? i wasnt planning on the whole memory box thing but i thought of it and put it in and kind of liked it #i definitely also have at least nine other songs i want to do fics with #and this one was nowhere near as angsty as i wanted it to be #but thats ok i guess its still pretty alright #what was missing and taxi cab were definitely better tho in my opinion #also i love this song seriously its so good please listen to it #i cut out some lyrics bc i figured no one cared to see the same verse four times #waves by dean lewis #anyway heres a story i guess #also [at]leesacrakon i loved yours let me say seriously 12/10 #sorry if this isnt too stellar #if you dont want me to tag you in the next ones let me know and i wont #yike okey doke here we go squad

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bipolyjack · 7 years

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Please tell me more about why you like sheith, I'm very curious to hear the rest of it.

(alright luckily i had the beginning of this saved elsewhere when tumblr just randomly sent it early so imma just begin by pasting. also spoilers for voltron s4 obv)

the original ask was something like “curious why u like sheith? ive thought abt it and i think i prefer klance”

rubs hands 2gether Thank U for Asking

first of all, thats chill! if klance is ur thing, fuckin go for itmy dude, have a great time with that shit. the fandom’s huge andtheres tons of content. im all for ppl shippin what they want and imnot here to tell someone to ship or not ship something. if u do trulywant to know why im a sheith tho, buckle the fuck up cause im awashin sheith feelings at every moment and i got Things 2 say

alright so the main thing with sheith is that it feels realhealthy and good. (well it did. things are weird this season bc shiromay or may not be a clone but up until his disappearance at least.)they’re rly good abt checking in with each other to see how theother one’s doing and feeling, and they lean on each other a lotfor support. they also treat each other as equals and respect each other’s choices (again, with minor exceptions in the current season). they got that good good hidden backstory together. they got that good good star crossed lovers thing goin on where the universe keeps ripping them apart, fucking them over and tossing them back together more fucked up than before and my dude i Eat That Shit UP. also that good good height difference.the show gives them lots of moments where they’re either alone in a room together havin a private moment or havin an equally private moment in front of the whole fuckin team where fuckin everybody can see them (like the first Hug tm). they’re openly physically intimate with each other (which keith is not with anyone else) and they’re not like. ashamed of that. there’s so much canon content i cry daily.

here lemme break it down

we know they knew each other in the garrison, and not just like in passing, like acquaintances, but enough that keith was the only person there to see shiro off when the kerberos mission launched. in s1ep1 lance says of shiro “omg that guys my hero” and of keith “you’re my rival” but neither shiro nor keith know who lance even fuckin is. bc presumably they didnt hang out. everyone in the garrison knows who keith and shiro are but they - keith especially it seems like - dont keep track of the other students. also theres this whole fanon thing where shiro and matt were best friends in the garrison and hung out all the time before kerberos, but in s4 when matt greets shiro hes incredibly stiff and awkward and calls him sir and shiro just goes “pidge never gave up on u buddy” which i guess could be a clone thing but could also be him bein like “i totally did give up on u tho, whatever” (and i can totally buy that considering how pidge’s whole personal arc this whole time has been looking for matt and their dad, and while shiro has been supportive of that, he’s also been like hey dude that’s not our top priority as a team). so from that i infer that matt and shiro werent best buds in the garrison, and that he must have spent a lot more of his time with keith bc in s2ep1 keith makes it clear that shiro made a significant impact on his life and that he still thinks about things shiro said to him before kerberos. which we havent seen. bc theyre hiding the pre-kerberos backstory from us and i cry. also their flashbacks in s1ep2 (i think, i dont exactly remember which ep but i think its that one) when they all put on the headsets and we see their fondest memories, shiro’s is the day they were separated and keith’s is the day they found each other again like jesus.

then there’s keith’s first scene in the show. the first thing we see him doing is kicking the shit out of like three garrison guys to rescue shiro. we get that close up of him touching shiro’s unconscious fuckin face and his first line in the whole show is him saying shiro’s name. like shit dude how am i supposed 2 not ship that. the first time keith and lance interact, its lance butting in on that moment and keith being like “who the fuck are u” and its. uncomfortable. we also know that keith has been livin alone in the desert and obsessing over these lion carvings bc he got kicked out of the garrison for basically insubordination sometime after shiro went missing. we get that scene in the shack where keith talks abt feeling lost until shiro showed up and everyone else in the room looking all confused and uncomfortable as these two dudes who clearly already know each other well and have been separated for like a year just stare into each other’s eyes or what the fuck ever. also the scene outside the shack where keith comes and finds shiro and puts a hand on his shoulder and asks him how hes doing - theyre alone for that part. also worth mentioning is that keith has no hesitation touching shiro’s galra tech arm, whereas lance hesitates before shaking his hand. we see a bunch of times that keith is touch averse with almost everyone except shiro, in a way that indicates a degree of prior familiarity and a good understanding of boundaries that keith hasnt had the time or inclination to set up with lance, hunk, pidge, allura, coran etc. also the one time he holds lance when sendack attacks the castle and lance is unconscious, lance sort of blows it off later and basically goes “no homo” when keith brings it up so that was a bummer

i also love some of the Pauses they put into shiro and keith’s dialogue, some of them are just. so choice. like when keith proposes a crazy plan that puts him in danger and shiro just takes a sec, closes his eyes, then goes “alright i’ll back u up, do what u gotta do” like!!!! boi!!!!!! thats good shit. also in s2ep9 during the blade of marmora trial when keith is basically having this nightmare about shiro rejecting him because of his connection to the galra, (which real actual shiro can see because this whole ep was a fuckin fanfiction) and he does that same thing where hes like “shiro... *pause, close eyes for Just a sec* you’re like a brother to me” which! by the way!! i have said the same thing!! to a friend i had a crush on!!! who was straight!!!! and i was a little baby who didnt know i was into girls yet and we used to say we were like sisters bc i? didnt know i?? was gay???? we shared her bed whenever i stayed over and she really did see me as a sister and i would just lie next to her and daydream about touching her boobs,, anyway keith is so relatable there i could yell forever but continuing on,

can we, real quick, talk abt the first time keith flies the black lion? bc in s2ep1 hes not the black paladin yet. real shiro is still around. and keith legit goes up to black, puts a hand on her big ole nose and goes “ur boi is in trouble, we gotta help him” and she goes “yeah dude hop in” like?????????????? thats some fanfic shit again! black Knows! also dont even talk to me abt how many times keith and shiro yell each others names in that ep its unreal. also the trope (that i eat the fuck up every time) of one member of the otp lying trapped and injured somewhere and talking to the other member of the otp thru a helmet comm or whatever and they cant see each other but they can hear each others voices, so they have to keep talking to like reassure each other they’re both still alive and okay?!!! im such a sucker for that shit!!!! ummmmm the fact that shiro keeps reassuring keith that hes fine when theres a gaping glowing wound in his side and hes like visibly in pain, clenching his teeth, eyes closed, groaning, sweat beading on his forehead, the whole fuckin thing?? and josh knocked it outta the park with shiro’s voice in that ep making him sound like he was trying not to sound hurt and exhausted so that keith wouldn’t worry too much like Fuck me up!! smiling thru the pain when keith talks abt how much shiro changed his life and made him a better person??? boi!!!!!

then there are the times when shiro talks abt something happening to him and keith taking over as voltron’s leader, and keith gets all panicked about it like he cant stand the thought of losing shiro again (this happens a bunch of times but the ones that are coming to mind are s2ep1 and s2ep9 bc. again. those are the fanfic episodes). and then he Does lose him again and he’s so clearly grieving, lashing out at the rest of the team, super obviously feeling shiro’s loss more than the others (and lance is a real dick about it a bunch of times which really rubbed me wrong), going out to look for him over and over bc he wants to believe so bad that shiro’s out there somewhere. omg the “please no” when the black lion accepts him that shit Fucked me right up!! he wants to honor shiro’s wishes!! but some part of him knows that’s like admitting that shiro’s gone and isn’t coming back. and then!!!!!! when they find kuron and its just the red lion and the galra ship floating alone in space just like. gently drifting toward each other. keith’s little tired smile there. fuck me up. and then we find out in the next scene that keith has been the only one in shiro (kuron)’s room while he’s recovering and shiro (kuron) hasnt bothered to shave or cut his hair or get dressed yet and he lets keith see him like that and not the rest of the team. fuck. keith looks Exhausted in that scene. hes got bags under his eyes, hes kinda hunched in on himself, arms crossed, like something in him Knows this isnt his boi but he wants to believe it’s him so bad and its. god. its a lot. and Then when hes turning to leave and kuron is like “how many times will u have to save me before this is over” and keith’s face just relaxes into this legitimately genuine smile when he says “as many times as it takes” like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me

this is where it starts gettin awkward with them bc kuron isnt shiro and he doesnt treat keith the way shiro would but he Tries, like after keith fucks up that one mission and kuron comes and finds him (again, in private) to touch his shoulder and be like “im proud of u boi” when keith clearly Did Not Do A Good Job and keith just looks bummed like “thats. thats not tru” and it Hurts me bc we know real shiro doesnt do fake praise. also kuron orders keith to put himself in danger more than once and doesnt give a shit that keith and the others get hurt because of it which also real shiro would never do - we’ve seen him react when his teammates take hits before, but especially keith, like during the bom trial. then theres s4ep1 where keith sort of drifts away from team voltron in order to do more stuff with the blade of marmora and everyone’s pissed at him but then as hes walking out kuron’s like “you know we’re here for you if you need us” and keith gets that soft smile again like “i know and i cant tell you how much that means to me” and then they do that good good hand clasp that turns into a hug which by the way is a stark contrast to when other people hug keith and they just kinda grab him and he goes all stiff and it takes him a sec or three to put his arms around them if he even does that at all - with shiro they do the hand clasp first and then walk into the hug together and keith buries his face in shiro’s fuckin shoulder and smiles and closes his eyes and i wanna die. and theyve done this twice now which makes me think they probs did it before kerberos too and that also hurts me.

then theres s4ep6 where keith has gone the whole season feeling like he was a bad leader. it seems like voltron doesnt rly need him and his friends dont need him and shiro doesnt need him and hes been hanging with the bom who have their whole philosophy of not going back to rescue their own guys if it means putting the mission or the rest of the team in danger (which keith already was saying when allura was captured - how very galra of him) and now keith’s having to readjust to that mindset after being part of such a close knit team. so when he sees a way to take that shield down, he just fuckin goes for it. hes started to see himself as expendable. when shiro thinks hes about to die, we get all kinds of flashbacks, the first of which is him and keith alone outside the shack. there are no flashbacks with keith. he just closes his eyes. and shiro (kuron) congratulates him. like obv its before he knows what keith was about to do, but still, thats some fucked up shit.

now this wasnt rly part of ur question, ie u didnt ask me how i felt abt klance, but i feel like i gotta say: lance just grates on me. im sorry i know lots of people who love him but he just. isnt my cup of tea. and i do think the relationship shown in the show between keith and shiro is a lot more mature and healthy than the one shown between lance and keith. lance has some good moments! but canon lance and fanon lance seem like two entirely different people to me a lot of the time and thats all cool and fine if ur lookin for that, again im not here to stop ppl from having fun, but there are so many good sheith moments in the show and im just glad to see the relationship between two dudes depicted that way regardless of whether it becomes canon or not. also lance in the show is only shown being attracted to girls, and in kinda a skeevy way - like ive met guys who treat me like that and been Very off-put by that kind of behavior. and it would put me off if after all that they got him together with keith. like hes just superficially interested in all these hot girls but keith, who he has very few heartfelt intimate moments with onscreen, is his True Love? like thats,, not good bi rep. i Do rly like the bond hes been building with allura since they switched lions, that seems like its going in a direction that could turn out to be very wholesome and sweet. but again, if klance is ur thing, by all means have a ball.

k that was a lot but tl:dr i like 2 cry and sheith provides me with lots of opportunities to do that,, if u read it all then thank u deeply and truly for ur attention, u probs Understand me as a person a bit better than before lol

#long post #voltron spoilers #s4 #sheith #this got Very long im sorry #voltron #shenanigansintime

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citrus-feline · 6 years

Text

going on facebook is always awful cuz ill want to share something with my dad but then see his most recent post is talking about “commie liberal shitheads” like. dad. is that what he thinks about me? he is definitely at least semi-aware of my political views. he’s accused me of being a communist in highschool back when i thought there was a point in talking to him about issues (but hes not going to change his mind). i dont get it either because he will get livid when i say that capitalism in its current state in america is ruining us despite being one of the people affected most by it. i grew up like hating late-capitalist ideals because i saw what my dad went thru and the hardship he endured trying to raise 3 kids all by himself when he was already having money issues. he grew up poor in a house with 5+ kids in it. is it just conditioning where he trusts a system that is so against him? he only just recently finally got a job that pays fairly for the amount of hardwork he does and his reaction to that isn’t being thankful to his hardwork or even his company, but making posts on facebook about how much he loves the president :/. dad... you’re opposed to raising min wage..... like....... he deserves the money for the work he does cuz hes like a genius with the machines he works but dude. go back 50 years and a job in a similar environment would be min wage. im happy he is getting more money but i wish he would like thank himself or his company instead of someone who perpetuates late-stage capitalism despite all of its harm.

generally i actually think my dad is okay but then i look at what he’s saying about people like me and it upsets me. i once made a post about how older people are so unsupportive to newer generations and he got so mad!! but im expected to see his posts that i can easily apply to myself and just be okay with it. im not gonna fight with my dad cuz like even the possibility of being told to move out will be really hard of my mental health and he takes care of me but........ i wish he was more respectful....... say what you will but the meanest i am to conservatives is when im venting about upsetting things i saw in the news on this website. when it comes to actually talking to people with different views i am really kind and understanding, and even on here i’ve experienced that. i’ve made angry posts before with keywords that attracted conservatives and have gotten angry asks about it before and my response is almost always “im sorry i upset you with that post, i was venting. but i am happy to have a conversation with you about this stuff.”..... i have only like once ever had someone take me up on discussing things in a mature way and separate from a personal post but i like to think that the way i handle it is respectful despite my own disbelief in those types of politics.

him going off on facebook is so bizarre to me because i’ve seen him fight with people in comments before. i’ve heard my sister (who is much stronger than me emotionally) address his posts before only to get into arguments where she will avoid visiting us for months aside from popping in after work or something. and she barely does that anymore. i dont get how he is so happy to keep making such rude posts on a platform that everyone he knows will see. i post on here knowing that maybe one or two people i know in real life will see it, if even that. and THAT makes me nervous! i’ve deleted plenty of posts i was typing up mid-rant because i realized i didnt want people who know me personally to see that! like i know looking at my blog it seems like “oh she doesnt have a filter” but i do!! like once a day i will start writing a vent post only to delete it all without ever posting because i realize it could cause some kind of misunderstanding or bitterness between me and the people i care about who check my blog.

all “bleh i hate capitalism” aside, i don’t understand the disrespect at all. i just dont. i can theoretically look at very conservative people as a group and be bitter about that, and i do sometimes, but i usually try to be mindful that people have opinions for their own reasons and i have to remember that everyone’s experience is different. despite people saying things i disagree with, i still respect them as people and i’m willing to talk about things gently. i much prefer a mature conversation about more heavy stuff as opposed to being yelled at. a mature conversation can lead to things being learned, on both sides. being so vocal about your disdain for people who you could potentially have an actual conversation with upsets me. i go off about politicians and stuff on here but for real if one of them talked to me, one-on-one, i would absolutely still be respectful despite everything i dislike about their policies and behavior as someone of power. the only time i wouldn’t treat someone with respect is if they not only treat me disrespectfully but reject my attempt at keeping things civil. and even then i would give multiple opportunities in an attempt to keep things calm and respectful. when i discuss stuff with people who i disagree with, i listen to them. lots of the time i feel the same about the issue at the end, but hearing a point of view is important. brushing all people who disagree with you away is just in bad taste in my opinion. because there are people who will not believe in what you do but also show respect despite that. there are people who will listen, even if they are secretly a little upset about what you’re saying. conversation is important in any kind of society and for one so polarized in political beliefs like ours i think it should be a requirement to show SOME kind of respect.

it just upsets me how i wont even be heard with some people, like my dad. people who are so stuck in their beliefs that they refuse to even consider looking at them critically. i know the stuff i align myself with isn’t perfect. i know some things people who are head-speakers for in the political groups i openly say i agree with aren’t always exactly what i think. and i know that lots of things won’t be treated as serious as i want them to be. focus can easily be put on things that i think should come later compared to what i care about. i know that “liberals” aren’t perfect. a lot of kids i went to school with were heavily and openly liberal and generally i agreed with them but now and then they would go too far with something, or even just be one of those people who are so up in arms about political stuff that they don’t have any real personal experience with (which is fine, i just wish they wouldn’t act like it was them being attacked instead of the actual people suffering from the real-life issues). i know my beliefs, MY personally beliefs, aren’t perfect. i used to have a lot of trouble realizing something i believed in was not what i thought it was, but now its kinda normal for me. my beliefs for lots of stuff is fluid, but of course because its me, i usually end up aligning with most “liberal” ideals (but, again, theres stuff i disagree with in those groups too). i will ride in my dad’s car where the radio is still on a political station he listens to and some of the stuff they say makes me sick because i disagree with it so much. and i like to think that my dad doesn’t believe all of that. but i dont know because whenever i’ve tried to figure out i’ve just been called a communist who hates freedom, lol. he’s not open to conversation which is really weird to me. cuz like. things change?? opinions aren’t static? people are able to look at things from different angles. its not that hard imo? maybe its just cuz im overly-empathetic but like. i dont... get how its so hard for people to put themselves in others shoes... thats what i primarily do when talking to people about stuff where theres any sort of disagreement. lots of the time ill put myself in their shoes and still come out feeling the same about the topic, but its still important to do that kind of thing to at least get SOME kind of grasp to why they believe what they do.

im not sure why im making so many long political posts lately compared to usual but i feel like this is important stuff to talk about... i dont expect anyone to change their views on shit just reading a post where im getting my frustrations out, but if anything is questionable, i want people to know that i AM open to talking about it personally. if you approach me with respect, i’d be happy to talk to you about stuff. it’s something i practice regularly with non-political stuff in my relationship and with close-friends when something touchy comes up. lots of the times core ideas aren’t changed but we all come out of that stuff with a bit more understanding of the other person and why they think what they do. people aren’t perfect and you will disagree about things. that’s why it should be handled respectfully. if i reacted the way my dad does to people trying to make conversation about more serious things, im pretty sure i wouldn’t have nearly as many friends, lol.

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