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damazcuz · 2 months

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I've only had this account for about 5 years now. But I've been on tumblr for 13 years, since I was 16 and just starting to learn who I was, what transgender meant, what the world looked like at the time for a group I was swiftly realizing included me.

And for 13 years I have consistently used this site and stayed on, occasionally blog hopping when things felt stale or if things got bad. And things got bad sometimes. You'd get people calling you nasty things in your ask or replies or reblogs or tagging your username to sic their followers on you. And tumblr has always treated targeted harassment as a "Sorry you feel that way. That's not against tos though! Was this answer helpful?" issue whenever it's reported. They've never cared against abuse on their website, IN THE EXCEPTION of cases in which radfems and nazis have maliciously mass reported users for MAYBE hitting their breaking points and MAYBE snapping and saying something stupid that could be used as an excuse. Could be something today or four years ago in your archive but at some point, you had a bad day and posted something that could make tumblr say finally, we can get rid of a pest! or you were just transgender and said as much. A little too loudly in front of the wrong mod.

And this sounds so silly to say. But when you live in a website for 13 years and it's where you have your primary interactions with so many people and where you've met so many of your friends! It starts to feel like your community. Like an apartment building we all live in and visit each other's apartments and talk and decorate and laugh and play. And it's a bit of a dump and we all laugh about the crumbling peeling wallpaper and the slumlord that runs the place. We know the landlord isn't our friend, they just want us to pay rent until we're no good for it anymore. Produce the posts that make this site anything more than a hate forum, make the memes and the art and the posts that end up everywhere from your little sister's pinterest to your mom's Facebook to your uncle's meme subreddit. Keep up the garden and don't pile trash on the curb or you're out. This is "the queerest place on the net" only because queer people live here and hung on with our fingernails to stay here because if you have to leave, what's your fallback? You like your neighbors. They can't all come with you. They won't. Even the kind of crumbly parts feel like home after a while.

Like I want to clarify that Tumblr's reputation as a funny place to chill and scroll and meet people and see new things is not from the transphobes working on staff. Their job is to turn a profit or at least keep it LOOKING profitable, so the site can sell to the next moron to buy it out. The fun and joy of Tumblr is us. WE made this place. When you tear down our decorations and rip out our furnishings and toss us out on the street and look at what's left to show the next prospective tenant, it's a fucking dump. There is nothing left but the shittiest people in our neighborhood who are allowed to stay and make hate posts about us. There's the framework for "someone could make pretty posts here! It's a fixer upper!" But it's shit. It sucks.

I've been spiraling since yesterday over a couple of things I'm not taking well. One is work. "They can't fire us all!" I always joke. And people laugh. Last night my boss and I spent an hour and a half in this miserable fucking meeting, talking about the pressure pushing down on our load bearing team. We fantasized over all 8 of us being able to say "that's enough. I'm better than this. We are all walking out today and we will not come back. Don't text." And we can't. None of us can lose the stability of a full time job that pays kind of okay even though it's killing you. None of us can face that uncerainty. I left with chest pain. It was my first day back after major surgery. I went home and sat in one spot for over six hours almost unmoving, crying and just in disbelief of how unfair it is. We can't leave. But something has to give before my team dissolves and one of us puts a gun in their mouth. And then we all still have to make our shift. Who else will do all that? Who's going to cover, huh? Clock in.

And I spent the rest of my day, which ran to 4 am before I was able to sleep, wishing I could quit and hating what's happening on tumblr just as much. On a fucking blogging platform. Because this has been my fun sandbox for over a decade and it's always kind of sucked, it's full of cat shit and people throw sand at you and you're getting sunburned but it's fun here. You find your people to play with. And then it's like you remember oh yeah, other people here want me dead. The owner of this place wants me to die. He wants everyone that makes this place cool and fun to die. And he'll turn around and say "yeeeah well you shouldn't have joked about being mean to me." And it's like why am I here! Why am I making posts for YOU?

I can't leave employment. I'm only a couple of weeks, maybe a couple months away from homelessness at any given time, with how tight finances are. "Shoestring budget" would be generous. We're making it through sheer force of will. But I can't quit my job, and neither can anyone else.

But I can leave this place that I've hated and loved for so, so long. The other massive drain on my life that wants to see me shrivel and die. I can get up and go. We could all just go. Mass exodus. And I know it won't happen. Give it a week, ten days. People move along. Yeah, that sucked. Well, here we all still are. Still posting. Still tumbling. Still complaining about the landlord. But most people won't leave. How can you walk on your friends and community, knowing they won't all follow? But how do you continue to stay here watching this happen? I'm already listening to people tell me "so? that doesn't affect me. it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. and of course this happened, duhhhh." It's like, feel stupid for getting comfortable here. You should feel stupid for settling in and making it a home and thinking it would be fun here. If you are transgender you are not safe and you are not wanted. Not in the queerest place on the web, either.

It's not about the funny hammer car explosion """threat.""" It was never about the hammer car explosion. That was a dogwhistle through a megaphone to transphobes. Tumblr's darlings. Don't worry. I'll take care of this one that thinks she can speak up against me. And against you. And now there's a defined "REASON" for the ban. Why, Matt hardly knew he was banning a trans woman. All he knew was fear! He had no choice! And you can ignore the ACLU and the claims of systemic transphobia, that's something else. We fixed that!

I want this place to die because it is already rotting. We are scraping at the bones at this point. Walls are crumbling and there's a hole in the floor to the room below and the windows have long been knocked out and the boiler hasn't worked in years. They aren't going to fix it. It has never been the intention to fix it. They want you to leave or die. Whichever. Don't matter. Just get lost. I will find another tenant. I will find another person who will give me more ad revenue. You are replaceable in that sense. Someone else will join tumblr tomorrow. And tumblr will make a buck off them instead.

But they cannot replace the ways in which you and I have made this site livable and bearable and fun. And I want us to leave so that the husk of this place can collapse and blow away in the wind. I want tumblr to take a major hit and I want the loss of ad revenue to HURT THEM. I want a mad scramble to figure out how to fix it all. They can't. They won't. The fix has always been there and it's always been refused. Terfs will never be turned away from tumblr. Neither will nazis. "Sorry you feel that way, but that's not against our tos. Was this answer helpful?"

You know how they say, "it there are ten people at a table and one is a nazi and no one stands up, you have ten nazis"? This feels like that to me. If 20,000 of us wait a week, shrug, and resume joking and playing and say, well, yeah, it's sad that another dozen trans fems were banned last night. But I like it here...

It feels like that. Why are my trans sisters' archives of 5, 10+ years of life and joy being wiped clean? I can't even tell you how many posts I've seen from an op whose url I recognize from last week, but whose username is grey and icon default, because she posted something less than a day ago to say "yo this sucks. Fuck this place and fuck this guy." They've never ever found the terfs and nazis to ban them because they DON'T CARE. Those are the ones they prefer. That they cater to. Post about the ceo being a dumbfuck and in 12 hours, risk losing your community and the ability to look back at your life online. Clean slate. As if you never lived there. Oh, but tumblr isn't a transphobic place. We fired the one and only naughty transphobe on staff who was taking bribes to send out bans. Pay to win moderation. That person's gone. So it's okay and you don't need to worry. It's okay, I promise. It's the queerest place on the web. Get comfortable.

I love my job and I love this place. One of them is going to push me to the edge. But I can choose to leave one. You can choose to leave with me. They can't fire us all.

#and i know that i am preaching halfway to the choir and halfway to deaf ears.#you either already care or you don't.#this either affects you a lot or not at all.#you'll either walk out or you'll clock back in and get back to it.#fuck though man. something has to give or it's going to snap. you know?#and frankly i just don't want to play here right now. it sucks a lot.#and it sounds like it's going to start sucking a whole lot more very quickly.#i hope the hellsite explodes. i hope the hammers go everywhere.#have a good night and all.#see you tomorrow or whatever.

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euijin · 1 year

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 🥳 🎊

HELLOOOO EVERYONE i am going to make a new year post after all! currently beginning working on this at 11:32 pm because i know it’s going to take me a while and i thought it would be nice to spend the turning of the new year talking about my friends. i also hope you enjoy this header i’m using it because i’m too lazy to make a cute one and i might later and also one of my friends said do it or no balls.

honestly this year went by incredibly quickly for me. it was pretty uneventful, which might be a good thing!! i did get to meet two of my best online friends in the world when i saw stray kids live this summer, and that was probably top 10 days of my life!! so i’m really thankful that happened this year if nothing else. i’m one year closer to graduating community college as a part time student, and i’ll be turning 26 this month 😭 but you know, making it another year in itself is a big accomplishment if nothing else! i’m proud of everyone that made it another year and thank you for being here with me to read this post. i really appreciate all of you, whether we’re close friends or simply beloved casual mutuals, or if you’re even just a follower of mine; thank you for putting up with and even enjoying my sporadic posting and vaguely unhinged tags and gifs and other content, whether here or over on yangjeongin.

this will be my third turn of the new year i’m celebrating with everyone on tumblr upon return from my seven or whatever year hiatus, and it’s crazy that i’ve been giffing again since 2020. some of you have been with me since all the way back then and i’m so thankful!! i didn’t spend a ton of time on my dash this year (thank u to my bad internet that takes forever to load thereby making it an incredibly frustrating experience!) but i have more in the past several weeks and i’ve really enjoyed it!! i’m hoping that only continues into 2023.

i do want to specifically thank some people for making my life on tumblr (and in general) better in 2022, but know that even if i don’t write you a specific message i still am so thankful for you keeping me company on tumblr dot hell in whatever way you have this past year!

i’ll put all my love for everyone under the cut and i know i will forget someone and feel bad but i cannot overstate how much i love all my mutuals enough!!

first of all, to @minijeong @miyawaki @redvelvetcult @bataranqs @seulggi my awoo9ers, thank you for being part of my life every day. i love reading back what u guys have said in the gc and i love seeing your content and chatting with u and your wacky n wild senses of humor, being your friend for the past few years has made my life better and i’m looking forward to making more memories in 2023 🎉 i love u!! i do want to call out a couple awoo9 members in particular though because i have more specific things to say!!

iwin - @anyujins ; hiii i feel like there’s so much to say but also so little?? but we started talking at the beginning of this year and have talked so much since and i just wanted to say i have really loved talking to u and getting closer to you this year. i genuinely feel like i can talk to you about anything and i am soso thankful for that and for u supporting me and i’m really glad that i can do the same for you! i know 2022 has been a rough year for you so i hope 2023 is better. for both of us!! haru - @minhos ; u probably won’t see this post and GOOD because i hate getting mushy with u. gross icky ew. but you know how much i appreciate and love you (or at least i hope you do) thank you for being my friend for so many years and for essentially creating my personality bc i think all of my interests are your fault SDFSDGSDG but thank u because in the end it’s all made my life better and so have you tee - @ddonghyun ; we haven’t talked much (or at all?) this year but i think you were the first friend i made upon my return to tumblr so know i am really thankful to you and still think about you a lot whenever i’m on this account <3 i haven’t seen you on my dash in a while and i don’t know if it’s just bad timing or you are finally escaping the black hole that is tumblr but either way i hope 2023 treats you well! eri - @wonjinist ; ultimately we haven’t been mutuals for that long but u deserve ur own message because every time i see u, despite us rarely speaking and just being mutuals that see each other and support each other on dash, i’m like omg that’s my friend eri. i simply consider u my friend regardless of how much we’ve actually interacted so thank u for your effortlessly friendly warm and kind personality that makes it feel so natural to simply be your friend <3 i hope u have a great 2023!

then we move on to the stayblr pals!! there are a bunch of you that have made my life on tumblr better in the past couple of years including (but not limited to) @agibbangs @binsuns @hyunchanz @hanjesungs @seunges @minzbins @leenow @cherry-heartss @huiracha @avocadomin @innielove @jisungs thank you for all of your wonderful content and personalities on my dash! i hope to see more from y’all in 2023 and maybe we can talk some more too!

li - @connecteds ; hi beloved!! another year of me on tumblr means another year of being friends with you. sometimes it’s fun on here and sometimes it’s not but even if my time here was an absolute terrible garbage shitshow it would be worth it because i got you out of it. i’m getting emotional and i’m sitting in the living room watching new years specials with my mom rn i can’t cry LMAO but thank you for always making me laugh even when you’re having a hard time and for otherwise being so full of love, and every day i’m so grateful that some of that love is for me <3 i told you we’ll always be friends as far as i’m concerned, no matter how much or little we talk, and i really mean that. no matter what we do or where life takes us there will always be love in my heart for you. i know 2022 was really hard for you so i hope the world finally gives you back some of the love and happiness you’ve put out into the world in 2023 💫 and u know i’m gonna be here for it!! adri - @skz-films / @hyunebear ; i’m not sure which account to tag you on asdfasdgdsg i know we’ve like never spoken but i think i will always remember the gifset you made for us on yangjeongin and how much you said we inspire you that really touched my heart so thank you again :( i think about that whenever i see you on my dash and it makes my heart feel a little warmer every time i do and i think we can always use more of that in life, so thank you for making mine a little brighter this year kep - @seungknow ; kep i miss u!!! i just wanted to say hi because you deserve your own message. thank u for being my friend, and i’m glad(?) we have moved from being together in stayblr hell to pc collector instagram hell. great. amazing. may 2023 bring us many dream photocards ✨ abia - @seungminhos ; abia! i didn’t talk to you too much in the past year but i couldn’t just lump u in with everyone else it felt wrong!! missing u and the seungminhos content but i hope 2022 was okay and regardless, that 2023 is better because we can leave all that in the past now. love u <3 luna - @seunglixes ; i wanted to give you your own shoutout just to say thank you for all you do for createskz! i know life is so crazy for you sometimes but you still always do your best to keep up with the net and i think you do such an amazing job, i really admire u for that so thank you for your work and for creating such a great place for stay ccs to come together and find other great content agnes - @hyunjinz ; agnes angel beloved the fact that we have not actually spoken very much outside of tumblr tag conversations blows my mind bc you are so dear to me! thank you as always for supporting me in my stayblr endeavors even before yangjeongin existed, and for continuing to, and for being such a cornerstone in this community whether you’re making content yourself or not. you do such an amazing job of supporting everyone and i think that’s so admirable of you and really shows what a pure and kind heart you have. i hope 2023 treats you with just as much kindness!! marie - @seo-changbinnies ; marie comedic icon, free stand up show every time you’re on my dash, your tags will always be legendary. i know you’ve been going thru it recently so hang in there and know i appreciate u and miss u but it’s also so okay to take your time and focus on more important things than silly little gifs on a goofy blue website. i love you and hope 2023 brings you only good things!! vilma @hyunpic ; vilma angel...even writing this about u is making me sleepy...i’m just kidding i was already sleepy. i have always loved u but i love u even more now that we are talking more, it has been lovely!! thank u for your unhinged tags and absolutely abundant love and kindness not just for hyunjin but for everything around you. you are genuinely such a sweet person and just seeing you around boosts my serotonin so please continue doing what u do and i will message u next time i’m having trouble falling asleep <3 happy new year SZDSDGG lotta - @jizung ; lotta i think last year (or the year before?? idk) i made a post like this and said ur tags were funny and that i hope we talk more AND I FEEL LIKE WE SUCCEEDED?? either way i do consider you a friend now and also wanted to say, do not tell anyone else, but u are like in my top 5 if not top 3 ccs on this entire site i think your gifs are so nice i think u could just send me a link to every new thing u make and i would be overjoyed to see it. so here’s to another year of us making content and talking occasionally (maybe more in 2023?), i hope it’s the best one yet! ri - @foxinys ; ri!! omg u know we’ve only been talking more in the past few months mostly because of unfortunate circumstances but i regularly think about it like, well, a lot of shit is going on but at least i’m talking to ri more and that’s nice??? and i do rly enjoy talking to u! and your gifs of course. i will never forget ur gemini abundant birth chart and the fact that i guessed correctly (sort of) despite us barely talking at the time SDSDGSD and i love that <3 my astrology friend said based on the charts of people i’m friends with i tend to be drawn to gemini heavy people i think this means we were meant to be friends so may 2023 bring us friendship under better circumstances! and many other good things mia - @seungs ; mia honest to god i’ve been working on this post so long i’m getting tired ASDFSDGSDG but i love u and your content, thank u for the support and for being mary’s #1 fan in particular, sometimes i still think abt that anon that asked what grip mary had on u and laugh. i hope 2023 brings us many good things and more mc lino gifsets ✨ mona - @hyunsung ; same as above i am sounding like a broken record at this point but!! love your content and i appreciate our tag communication. we are friends as far as i am concerned i have decided this i hope u agree SDFSDGSDG but much love and good vibes for the upcoming year!! i hope we can talk more in 2023 also cassie - @seo-trashbins ; i know i talk to you like every day so i could say all of this to you anytime and i think you know all of this but i wanted to include you in this so you could see something nice next time you check tumblr. i love you very very much meeting you in person this year was genuinely one of my favorite experiences of my life. thank u for being such a good friend for all of these years. 2023 will be TEN YEARS of us being friends. thank u for loving me even when i was an annoying 15 year old and all the time in between to now. i love you!! you are funny and kind and otherwise a wonderful friend and person that i feel very lucky to know at all let alone be friends with. one day i’ll come visit you in toronto and maybe u will have ur own place and i will simply move in and live under your bed. that’s like actually the dream for me i’m ngl. but until then i’m really happy to go into our 10th year of friendship and that it’s so many of them at this point that it doesn’t even feel like that big of a deal for another new year to pass. i hope we’re friends forever 💗

OKAY ENOUGH!!!! if you read all of these for some reason you’re insane btw but thank you??? and for anyone that isn’t on here, i will once again reiterate that i appreciate you regardless. i did just get kind of burnt out i could only write so many of these SDFSDGSD but much love, i hope this post brightens your day a little and helps 2023 get off to a little bit of a better start ✨ happy new year!

#carly.txt #this took over two hours to write btw #me using small text so this looks a little less long asdfasdgadsg #but i love doing stuff like this thank you for everything everyone and happy new year <3

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webslingingslasher · 5 months

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j - it's me 💨!! i have some slight updates for you!! i have to fill you in but im crushy and giggly so this might not streamline well.

do you remember the boy i have a crush on that we were thinking liked me back?

i had my big scary exam. it was in an exam hall of 700 people. and GUESS WHAT. out of all 700 people, WE WERE SAT RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. like what are the chances. j i swear that was the man upstairs (amen) looking out for me, because everytime i got nervous during the exam, i'd just look at him and feel calm.

like what the hell.

our seats were assigned. i met up with him very briefly before the exam, literally just by the closest station and we walked to the exam hall together because i get lost easily and hes a weird walking satnav who thinks he's so mature bc he never gets lost. like ever. anyways! we were talking a bit, basically just bullying each other bc we have pre-school rizz where we flirt by bullying each other, except he's kinda stopped flirting with me which is sad. well i guess it's a good thing because he's yet to break up with the gf but he isn't hiding that he likes me. you needed to bring ID to the exam and I brought my passport instead of my licence. he said "you don't drive?" and then corrected himself before i could and he was like "well when you live in *town name* you don't have to drive ig" (bc i live in a part of ldn where nooooo one drives/ubers bc it takes 3x longer than getting the tube). but like???? he remembered where i lived and i don't even remember TELLING him. it was a quickkkkk tiny side comment in one of the convos we had weeks ago and i didnt even think he heard me. i was tipsy on our post-class drinks and murmuring and it didnt seem like anyone was listening but he was!!!

j i want him so much :( when is he gna break up with her. idk if u remember the details but he would carry an inhaler for me bc he knows i have asthma and ties my laces for me etc so i think he genuinely does like me and isn't just sleazy & looking for some random girl.

but even if he does break up w her for me, it's still kinda a red flag bc if he does it to her, he could do it to me. even tho he might genuinely like me? idk. he's stopped flirting but still asked me loads of questions and clearly cares so idk. i just blabbled a lot sorry omg <3<3<3 love to u my fav tumblr friend ever

also his hands are so cute and he wears glasses and he's kinda nerdy but somehow his girl is a bad bitch. idk how he pulled her except i do bc hes so pretty :') anyways.

his hands are soooo pretty j like his fingers are so long and his nails are soooooo clean. i like clean nails. v pretty. i think you'd approve. i sound demented. i think im falling in love. ok bye

💨 xx

---

no stop!!!!! i was thinking about this the other day and i was like 'where is she!!!' love the update, hate that he still has a gf. you need to be like 'have you heard this song by ariana grande? no? it's called break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored. it's so good, it's been stuck in my head for weeks.' ((obv im kidding)) but i mean... it's time we pull a miss ariana and steal the man!!!

he likes you and you like him. just be like 'why haven't you broken up w ur gf yet???' 😁😁😁😁

'hey, hey, you, you, i don't like your girlfriend! no way, no way, think you need a new one!' i could do this all day baby.

#💨 anon

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airedelalmena · 11 months

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some of my thoughts, starting off inspired by the last part of that last queued post — about intersex specific/exclusive language — but then going into a related ramble… Held back on this topic for a while honestly. Most of us who saw this stuff go down have just been tired of it and went silent a long time ago. might as well ramble on it now.

the whole Assigned (Sex/Gender) At Birth (AFAB/AMAB) framework did NOT need to be stolen and appropriated by non-intersex trans people. we all watched it happen online. and anyone saying otherwise got the tumblr treatment™…

…which amounts, to basically, got shouted down by the arrogant pricks who used basically cult tactics in their ~discourse~ around 10 years ago (Comply and subscribe religiously to all their hyper-strict and even at times wildly messed up viewpoints, or be cast out; fight everyone you know IRL on these topics until you’ve alienated them all. shit like “AFAB privilege” and “monosexual privilege” was bandied about lmfao. “butch privilege” for anyone who dresses butch, “misogyny” being framed as against anyone who dresses fem. all the bullshit.)

the people on here have been pretty good about casting out much of this nonsense as the nonsense that it is. there’s still a hyper-religious-about-it MOGAI-esque core (and i feel bad for some of them, at least those not in it for power/clique reasons, for how tied up in it they still are.)

but one thing that never got really dealt with was the fact that this language was outright stolen from intersex people, a word to talk about the actual physical abuse against them. on a site that loved to talk about appropriation, they appropriated this willfully and spited anyone who said something.

but yeah it’s dishonest. i was not medically, surgically and socially FORCED/ASSIGNED into something like (many) intersex people were. i am not “assigned” female at birth, i just was female at birth. i get shit every time i don’t tack on the “assigned”.

and they did it because they felt that being born the way we all were, was dysphorically, deeply, uncomfortably wrong. and i get their rationale, but it doesn’t make it right. we have our own different experience and it literally requires different description and language.

like, if you feel that the body you didn’t choose to be born with was that wrong? the trans community already made words and phrases for that. for the hardcore stealth types, there’s “woman/man of trans/medical experience” i.e. your birth and upbringing do not have to define you, and this phrase acknowledges that. for those who are ok with referencing and emphasizing their transness, “trans(gender/sexual) man/woman” with the adjective first. either way, we have words and can build on them.

not only does this disingenuous theft silence intersex people — a group probably smaller than us, being realistic — but yeah…

…the people who were always the angriest at those of us who just left the first word off, tended to HATE when those “~assigned” female at birth/raised female, talked about that experience, and the sexism involved. there were major, heavy efforts to silence us even for mildly referencing it, and even force us to apologize for acknowledging our own experiences.

this shit basically funneled a load of ftm spectrum/trans male/transmasculine people who wanted to talk about the sexism in their lives, into the only forms of feminism that would accept it. aka radfemism (i won’t call it feminism, it’s its own thing in itself tbh) — transphobic types who demanded they also acquiesce to harmful beliefs that actively hurt themselves and really, didn’t help anyone. you had detransitions back into the closet, followed by re-transitions when they figured out it wouldn’t work.

this shit headfucked so many people and i can’t help but feel that it was all social engineering. all orchestrated bogus shit from the right wing, astroturf style. to get the feminist voice out of trans activism and the trans voice out of feminism, to alienate everyone, divide and conquer stuff.

feeding people bizarre shit on both sides so that, eventually, they’d just be overwhelmed and leave and go quiet and be demoralized, in the end.

and all this supported by various twistings of language, on both sides.

and this specific piece of language, on the back of a group of people who have already been so deeply abused, by the medical institution, by their own families… yeah, more silencing is all they needed.

i’m just tired of the stupid convoluted nonsense. i support people being who they are and having a voice to talk about their lives, and talking about their lives in uncensored, authentic and honest ways. which this online nonsense was always the exact opposite of.

and back to the initial topic of the post — as to the origins of trans and probably all lgbt people, yeah, i’ve read the studies and i do think that what makes us this way at birth (even non-intersex, non/trans/cisgender gay/bi men and women), is probably hormonal, in-utero, and counts as a form of “neurological/occluded/occult (hidden) intersex/difference of sexed development” that we do not yet have the full ability to medically understand. it’s becoming pretty clear that testosterone plays a role in female at birth LGBT-ness and likewise estrogen/progesterone and male at birth LGBT people. (despite the resistance and stigma against that idea from some narrow-minded folks.) yes, there’s definitely more to be learned there. but what we experience is still so drastically different that i don’t like to put the intersex label on it… nor their other terminology like ASAB/AGAB. that’s theirs. some basic respect is and always has been in order.

it’s just so intellectually dishonest in every single way, the way that has been enforced to talk about this stuff. i refuse to be someone else’s intellectual pawn.

watching all this go down was like watching separate cults battle each other and i have no interest in membership in either, or any. i got swept up in the first one (specific flavor of ideas on queer/trans stuff), but refused to go into the second (radfemism, their distortion of otherwise could-have-been solid feminist ideas into a literal hate group against anyone who isn’t a strictly cis gay separatist woman who Does Woman Correctly/PC)……… both were like fucking nuns with their controlling rules about what was correct (groupthink) and what was incorrect (sin/thoughtcrime to be extinguished) ….

…just because one is bad, doesn’t mean another will be “better” for you. the only GOOD thing for you is mental independence. you don’t need some group ringleader doing your thinking for you, or telling you how to talk about your life. it’s so childish. if we’re all adults then we don’t need to lean on that.

…

And it bled out into IRL, off the internet.

Because of course it did. Because it was planned and fomented in probably some think tank.

So now you run into signs of it irl, you can’t escape it.

…

i feel like this makes making friends or romantic relationships so fucking hard. at this point i look for signs of THE most Normie cis straight/straight leaning people possible, who happen to have some progressive/somewhat left leaning viewpoints on life, who are open-minded rather than ideologues and snobs and nuns and…….who just live and treat you and others like a regular human being.

at this point anyone who is too plugged into the nonsense is impossible to be around. like just let me be gay or whatever (labels suck) and trans and not let it be a big thing and let us live in peace. we had our 15 minutes of being forced into fame with no protection and now we’re being culture-warred on and it’s a pointless mess and i’m just tired out of it.

and for god’s sake, while you’re climbing out of it, don’t step on someone else’s neck!

#personal #i went all the way into it #most ppl who have followed for a long time know what it is #but yeah i felt like venting #shake the followers tree #shake shake shake #lol #queued #this used to be under a readmore but fuck it let's put it out there visibly

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patriciavetinari · 2 years

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And when we talk willpower and sticking with it and powering through in the context of 'building healthy habits' including diet and exercise, we never talk about how poor and marginalized people of all intersections burn through their willpower in day to day life.

Black people police themselves on every step to avoid being killed or at the very least assaulted or accused of assault, queer people deal with the accusations of being pedophiles and ruining their communities and reading news about yet another homophobic law being passed, disabled people come face to face with people spouting eugenics, fat people experience harassment and ridicule normalized by media, neurodiverget people live in a world not built for them, all of the above groups experience medical neglect, casual bigotry in day to day lives, plus all of us are bombarded with ads, all of us are priced out of housing, all of us have depressing love lives, all of us are struggling for rent and for adult milestones, climate change, wars, inflation, late stage capitalism, and we see our friends and comrades going through same fire and brimstone AND all that might be in addition to personal turbulence and abuse. Or loneliness. Or both.

For a lot of us that is daily life. And we see a thin white insta influencer in an interior of their owned LA apartment sip on a smoothie and tell us 'it's all about mindset and willpower'.

We show more willpower by not choking our bosses, by not yelling back at customers, by not breaking down every time we have to go to work we hate to be able to afford rent and groceries, every time we don't buy coffee because we want to save a couple of bucks for a rainy day or donate to a tumblr mutual in trouble. And on top of that we're supposed to pull more willpower out of our asses and load up a BORING exercise video made by a thin white person who has never experienced any of this and follow it every day for 30 minutes? Then get out of those clothes, jump into shower, wash those clothes (or own another set for next time). This is hell for any neurodivergent poor working person.

Look at fitness success stories. It's never a black amazon storehouse worker who was overworked, underpaid to the point of not being able to afford rent, yelled at for taking 6 minutes in the bathroom instead of 5, worked 12 hour shifts and was followed in grocery stores but then started doing yoga on top of all that and had that improve their life circumstances.

Same with weight loss successes. I guarantee none of those statistical outliers who keep saying how they 'reduced stress in their life' are working customer service. Or ever have. None of them are worried about rent or mortgage. None of them are paying student loans or medical debt or have to argue with doctors about their disability or are barred from work or housing due to their size or being an immigrant or a refugee or tansgender or poc. The most surface level dig will show that those people work jobs that allow them to go on a jog beforehand, can afford organic dragonfruit for their smoothie and go on vacation to Bali.

Yeah some people will find that exercise helps with all that depressing stuff. But most of the working class is exhausted. Burnt out. Most of us face a future so bleak it takes willpower to wake up in the morning. Building ANY habits with any neurodivergency is much much harder than for financially secure people. We face so much struggle in our daily life that adding more struggle by trying to follow a boring fitness video is just an unnecessarily cruel cherry on top that a lot of us are refusing to subject ourselves to. And I completely understand that. And I think anyone worth any salt in fitness industry should take all that into account.

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thelonesomequeen · 5 months

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Hi ladies! Hope you’re having a good day! I wanted to stop by and apologize that you’ve had people sending you harassment and death threats. That’s so cruel and my apologies that you’ve had to deal with such threats and hate because you run a Chris Evans Tumblr blog. People are insane. I’m sure you know this, but pay them no mind! It takes a very sad lonely person to act that way.

Which leads me to something I wanted to maybe share. My friend is a therapist and we were talking about this media fascination with Travis and Taylor. She mentioned it’s an escape for some people, which I totally get because that’s genuinely what led me to your blog. IMO, there’s no harm in escapism because there’s sports, videogames, TV, etc. But the problem is when people get weird, take things too far, and lose sight of reality. And my fear is things will get worse with AI (but that’s a whole other convo).

The thing is, I just really feel for all the people in this fandom getting so damn worked up over Chris for whatever reasons. I know it’s Alba right now. But it’s just crazy to me. This man has no idea you exist. He doesn’t care about you. You will probably never meet him. And he’s out there enjoying his life getting ready for the holidays to have fun with his new and old family. He’s got loads of money and he’s traveling. Getting upset about it isn’t going to change the reality of the situation or any fantasy that might be in someone’s head. He’s a celebrity. He’s built up a brand online to sell movies. None of us know him in real life. And that’s okay! I honestly would rather not. For example, most celebrities whose music and movies I LOVE would piss me off in real life. I’d me like ewww. They live in a different reality and can’t relate to things I go through on a day to day basis. Sorry that was LONGGG! 😅

I think you nailed it here.

I did recently see commentary about why everyone loves watching this Taylor and Travis thing so much and it’s because of the overall absence of romcoms. A concept so many people in general love. And watching the two of them feels like we’re watching a rom com play out in real life. I’m not sure how true that might be, but it does kind of make sense to me. I’m not really a fan of either of them (I’m not NOT a fan either-just indifferent) but it’s been fun to watch it all play out 🦎

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bouncehousemortgage · 5 months

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Like, idk if I wrote about it at the time, but I talked to my dad about it and we were talking about how, like, Israel and it’s supporters are robbing us of our grief and compassion.

We were talking about feeling terrible about the 1200 people who were killed, and how, like, grieving for them was in order, wanting to grieve and wanting to support the Jewish people in our lives who might be affected. And trying to do that when you’re being robbed of your compassion and humanity. Trying to grieve for them knowing that those deaths will be used to justify genocide, knowing that those deaths will be used to put our family in danger.

And, idk, I don’t see people talk about that too much. All the talk I see is about how western leftists who have nothing at stake are just jumping on a bandwagon and using this opportunity to be antisemitic. And for sure, I see those people, those are the people I keep complaining about where they’re like making fun of Jews who are “too” white-looking. Or they’re spreading the myth that Ashkenazis are Khazars and not actually “real” Jews. And I’ve seen loads of people talking about Jewish grief.

But I don’t see a lot of people talking about Palestinian grief, and nobody talking about Lebanese grief or Jordanian grief or Syrian grief. We’re being hurt and our brothers and sisters are dying, we’re reminded of the past 75 years of this, and for many of us it goes back farther. My grandfather is still angry about the Ottoman Empire, we’re still angry about the French and British, we’re angry at the US and of course at Israel.

And it’s not that I don’t care about Jewish grief, it’s not that I don’t care about antisemitism. I care about those things deeply, I think we all knew on October 7th that this meant more violence, more antisemitism, more Islamophobia, more antiarabism, patriot act part two.

But I think I was hurt by the lopsided-ness and feeling kind of betrayed or, like, unheard. Because you have both pro- and anti-zionist people talking about Jewish grief and antisemitism, and only a smattering of people talking about our grief and Islamophobia and antiarabism. And for the most part all the people talking about us that way are just us.

Like I’ve been on TikTok instead of tumblr because I’ve made parasocial friends with a number of Palestinian and Lebanese tiktokers, sending each other supportive messages and talking about our feelings and our pain and how hurtful and scary it is to see the post-9/11 hate revitalized.

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idreamtofmanderleyagain · 3 years

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Hot takes about Severus Snape are a wierdly decent glimpse into how a person with progressive values analyses things. Literally every time someone talks about Snape, it’s like this tiny window into how one-dimentionally people actually think.

Recently saw a twitter post that was a fantastic example. Here’s how it goes (paraphrasing):

Person A:“Snape is POC and Queer coded, that’s why you guy’s hate him uwu lol.”

Person B: “Actually I hate him because he was mean and abusive to children under his care uwu but go off I guess lol”

Both of these takes are designed to be dramatic and/or reactionary. They each use partial truths to paint very broad strokes. These are get-em-in-one-hit quips. This is virtue signalling, if you’ll excuse that loaded phrase. Nobody had a substantial conversation, but now everyone who sees their statement knows the high ground they took.

At least a hundred other people chimed in to add their own little quippy hot takes into play, none of which add anything significant, but clearly made everyone feel very highly of themselves.

So many layers of nuance and complex analysis is completely lost in this kind of discussion. On tumblr, you get more of this kind of bullshit, but you don’t have a word count limit, so you guys just spew endless mountains of weak overblown evidence backing up your bullshit arguments, none of which was really about engaging in a real conversation anyway.

Here’s the thing about Snape.

He is a childhood domestic abuse victim. His abuser is a muggle.

He becomes a student at a magical school that takes him away from his abuser and immediately instills in him the idea that being a part of this magical world is a badge of self-worth, empowerment, and provides safety and security - provided that he keeps in line.

There is a war is being waged in that world over his right to exist (he is a half blood).

He is a marginalized person within the context of the narrative, forced to constantly be in the same living space as the children of his own oppressors who are being groomed and recruited into a hate group militia (the pureblood slytherins). They are in turn trying to do the same to him.

He is marginalized person bullied by children who are also part of his oppressor group, but who have “more liberal” leanings and aren’t direct about why he’s being targeted (the mauraders are all purebloods, Sirius, who was the worst offender, was raised in a bigoted household, the same one that produced Bellatrix.).

He had a crush on a girl who is a muggleborn, and therefore she is considered even lesser than him and carries a stigma to those who associate with her. That girl was his only real friend. In his entire life.

For both Snape and Lily, allying themselves to a pureblood clique within their own houses would be a great way of shielding themselves from a measure of the bigotry they were probably facing. There would have been obvious pressure from those cliques to disconnect with one and other.

Every other person who associates with Snape in his adulthood carries some sort of sociopolitical or workplace (or hate cult) baggage with their association. Some of them will physically harm and/or kill him if he steps out of line. He hasn’t at any point had the right environment to heal and adjust from these childhood experiences. Even his relationship with Dumbledore is charged with constant baggage, including the purebloods who almost killed him during their bullying getting a slap on the wrist, the werewolf that almost killed him as a child being placed in an authority position over new children, etc. Dumbledore is canonically manipulative no matter his good qualities, and he has literally been manipulating Snape for years in order to cultivate a necessary asset in the war.

He is a person who is not in the stable mental state necessary to be teaching children, whom has been forced to teach children. While also playing the role of double agent against the hate group militia, the one that will literally torture you for mistakes or backtalk or just for fun. The one that will torture and kill him if he makes one wrong move.

Is the math clicking yet? From all of this, it’s not difficult to see how everything shitty about Snape was cultivated for him by his environment. Snape was not given great options. Snape made amazingly awful choices, and also some amazingly difficult, courageous ones. Snape was ultimately a human who had an extremely bad life, in which his options were incredibly grim and limited.

In fact, pretty much every point people make about how shitty Snape is as a person makes 100% logical sense as something that would emerge from how he was treated. Some if it he’s kind of right about, some of it is the inevitable reality of suffering, and some of it is part of the cycle of abuse and harm.

Even Snape’s emotional obsession with Lily makes logical sense when you have the perspective that he literally has no substantial positive experiences with other human beings that we know of, and he has an extreme, soul destroying guilt complex over her death. Calling him an Incel mysoginist nice guy projects a real-world political ideology and behavior that does not really apply to the context of what happened to him and her.

Even Snape’s specific little acts of cruelty to certain students is a reflection of his own life experiences. He identifies with Neville; more specifically, he identifies his own percieved emotional weaknesses in his childhood in Neville. There’s a very sad reason there why he feels the urge to be so harsh.

Snape very clearly hates himself, in a world where everyone else hates him, too. Imagine that, for a second. Imagine total internal and external hatred, an yearning for just a little bit of true connection. For years. Imagine then also trying to save that world, even if it’s motivated by guilt. Even if nobody ever knows you did it and you expect to die a miserable death alone.

There are more elements here to consider, including the way Rowling described his looks (there may be something in there re: ugliness and swarthy stereotyping). These are just the things that stand out the most prominently to me.

J.K. Rowling is clearly also not reliable as an imparter of moral or sociopolitical philosophies. I don’t feel that her grasp of minority experiences is a solid one, considering how she picks and chooses who is acceptable and who is a threat.

All of that said, this is a logically consistent character arc. Within the context of his narrative, Snape is a marginalized person with severe PTSD and emotional instability issues who has absolutely no room available to him for self-improvement or healing, and never really has. And yes, he’s also mean, and caustic, and verbally abusive to the students. He’s also a completey miserable, lonely person.

There are elements in his character arc that mirror real world experiences quite well. If nothing else, Rowling is enough of an emotional adult to recognise these kinds of things and portray something that feels authentic.

In my opinion, it’s not appropriate to whittle all this down by comparing him directly to the real world experiences of marginalized groups - at least if you are not a part of the group you are comparing him to. There have been many individuals who have compared his arc to their own personal experiences of marginalization, and that is valid. But generally speaking, comparing a white straight dude to people who are not that can often be pretty offensive. This is not a valuable way to discuss either subject.

Also, I believe that while it’s perfectly okay to not like Snape as a character, many of the people who act like Person B are carrying Harry’s childhood POV about Snape in their hearts well into their own adulthood. And if nothing else, Rowling was attempting to say something here about how our perspectives (should) grow and change as we emotionally mature. She doesn’t have to be a good person herself to have expressed something true about the world in this instance, and since this story is a part of our popular culture, people have a right to feel whatever way they do about this story and it’s characters.

The complexity of this particular snapshot of fictionalized marginalization, and what it reveals about the human experience, cannot be reduced down to “he’s an abuser so he’s not worth anyone’s time/you are bad for liking him.”

And to be honest, I think that it reveals a lot about many of us in progressive spaces, particularly those of us who less marginalized but very loud about our values, that we refuse to engage with these complexities in leu of totally condemning him. Particularly because a lot of the elements I listed above are indeed reflected in real world examples of people who have experienced marginalization and thus had to deal with the resulting emotional damage, an mental illness, and behavior troubles, and bad decisions. Our inability to address the full scope of this may be a good reflection of how we are handling the complexity of real world examples.

Real people are not perfect angels in their victimhood. They are just humans who are victims, and we all have the capacity to be cruel and abusive in a world where we have been given cruelty and abuse. This is just a part of existing. If you cannot sympathise with that, or at least grasp it and aknowledge it and respect the people who are emotionally drawn to a character who refects that, then you may be telling on yourself to be honest.

To be honest, this is especially true if you hate Snape but just really, really love the Mauraduers. You have a right to those feelings, but if you are moralizing this and judging others for liking Snape, you’ve confessed to something about how you’ve mentally constructed your personal values in a way I don’t think you’ve fully grasped yet.

I have a hard time imagining a mindset where a story like Snape’s does not move one to empathy and vicarious grief, if I’m honest. I feel like some people really just cannot be bothered to imagine themselves in other people’s shoes, feeling what they feel and living like they live. I struggle to trust the social politics of people who show these kinds of colors, tbh.

But maybe that’s just me.

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imonthinice · 3 years

Text

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 8/?

Word Count: 1.6k

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your Name, A/N - Any Name (Your Best Friend’s Name)

This one is shorter because of the last one’s length.

Hi everyone! By the time you see this, I will probably be out and therefore cannot update the other parts with this one’s link, so don’t worry about that if you notice it.

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Jason’s Trauma and his Death, Lightning, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Going on day 5 of knowing each other, Jason and Y/N would spend the day apart. Why? Because they gave each other the chance to have family time, Jason got it by playing around with his baby siblings, playing Assassin.

Fluff Head canon came from frownyalfred on Tumblr, who wrote about Jason playing Assassin with his brothers

He would go running through the halls playing the game that he and Dick knew all too well, it had been the only ‘no contact’ game they were allowed to play at a summer camp Bruce had sent them to all those years ago when they weren’t adults with a bunch of other siblings, and girlfriends. But here they were, explaining the game to their younger siblings while Alfred and Bruce hung out with Barbara, who wished she could play, but was paralyzed.

Everyone missed playing games with her like they used to, but with the video game consoles in the house they did transfer a lot of their gaming to online so they could relive memories with Barbs. It was bittersweet, and everyone remembered when she became paralyzed like it was yesterday, but she always wanted them to play games like they used to, with or without her.

Jason admired his, hopefully, one day older sister for how she treated her disability, like it was a gift, not something that impacted her everyday life and made her have to hang up the cloak of Batgirl.

But running around chasing after Dick, because of course, he got Dick, the universe wanted them to play again, was something he missed so much. They hadn’t had so much of this time, family time, ever since they all became vigilantes, and they never realized how much they missed the thrill of running around with each other.

Jason ended up getting Dick and throwing him out of the game, calling it a ‘selfless act of brotherhood so you can hang out with your girl’ and they both laughed at it. Titus, Damien’s dog, ended up barking up a storm at Jason when he killed Dick, like the big dog was rooting for Dick to win the tournament.

“Down boy! It’s a game!” Jason would whisper-yell at his dog.

“Yeah! Good boy, Titus! Get him!”

“No!” Jason would yell while running throughout the house, Titus on his heels. Passing by Alfred, Bruce and Barbara, where Titus would stop and go lay at Bruce’s feet, but Jason didn’t know that.

Jason would end up coming in just 10 minutes later, with a green slash on his neck. Tim, who had pulled Cass but killed her, Cass, who had pulled Jason. Tim now had two kills in the game and both were to people who could have easily overpowered him.

“Jase! Welcome to the land of the dead,” Dick greeted him.

“God dammnit I’ve already been here,” Jason whined in a joke.

“You and your ‘I died pity me’ jokes,” Barbara said.

“It’s called a coping mechanism, Barbs. And hi dad, Alfred,” Jason said as he waved slightly at both of them, Alfred waved back and Bruce nodded at him.

“You could just to go therapy, Jase,” Barbara said, seeming concerned for someone who she considered her baby brother. She remember when he came into the Manor, she was older than him, sure . But he had nightmares and she and Dick would switch between who would sleep at his door at night, they both had terrible backs until the nightmares calmed down. Jason never knew they did this.

It also happened when he was resurrected, but the nightmares were worse and he’d wake all sweaty and upset. There were too many nights where batkids would be in Jason’s bed with him from 12am to when Alfred would greet them in the morning. The nightmares had slowed down a lot in the past few years with the introduction of his Goddaughter into his life, but they still came by to remind him of what happened.

He didn’t talk about it much. They would always try to edge him on about about really happened, but he was stubborn. It made sense, sure, trauma is trauma. But they all wanted to help him get better. It hurt them all that he was hurting and they didn’t know how to help him get through it.

--------------------------------------------------

Y/N would sit on her bed that morning and finally finished organizing her criminal psychology and regular psychology notes when she came across her printed copy of Dr. Barry Allen’s dissertation she had studied so hard. She found it so weird that she was so close to someone who she looked up to in the field while also being so far in the same breath.

She didn't dote on it for long, she stocked it away with her forensics notes in their place. This, the relationship she had with Jason that intertwined her with so many people, was something she was getting used to by the minute, but it was never something she’d get fully used to as time goes on.

She would put on a JCS - Criminal Psychology video in the background as she worked and tried to make her journal look nicer when Jason texted her,

Good morning. He said.

Good morning :) She said back.

I just lost a game against a 16 year old.

Huh?

My brothers and 2 of my sisters were playing Assassins with me right? Well my 16 year old brother, Tim, he ended up getting the better of me and beat me.

Oh! So you suck!

What!? No, I’m literally so cool what do you mean? He said, it clearly had sarcasm undertones to it, so Y/N wasn’t worried if she offended him with saying he sucked.

Oh yeah? Then why’d you lose?

Well, I killed Dick.

Okay so you didn’t lose, Dick lost.

It started raining a little bit, the sounds of it hitting lightly against her window, and she felt at peace. It was never hard for her to feel peace when she was by herself. She only had one roommate because she liked the silence, to be alone to collect her own thoughts in her head.

Her parents said it was because she probably had underlying mental illness that they never had the money to diagnose. She agreed. But she still didn’t have the chance to do it.

Jason and her deserved so much more than what the world have given them up to this point, so when they found each other it was, in a way, the universe saying ‘I’m sorry, you deserve this’ and with each passing day it made the pain they had both felt in their lives just a little bit more tolerable.

No, I guess Dick sucks at the game more than me.

Where’d you even get the concept for that game?

Dick and I used to play it at a Summer Camp before we got kicked out.

For playing the game?

No, for being unruly children.

You seem like you were a handful back in the day.

I was, I was the worst kid to raise, my dad has a shirt that says ‘Proud parent of a kid who is sometimes an asshole but that’s OK’ and he wears it all the time.

What a dad moment. Don’t tell my father that shirt exists, he’ll get one for my mum and himself to represent my sister and I.

Were you an unruly child as well?

I was a troublemaker. Getting into arguments with my authoritative figures about dress codes, rules, why girls couldn’t carry chairs, literally anything that was unequal, I was at their throats about it.

I mean, as you should. My older sister, Barbara, and my younger sisters, Stephanie and Cassie, they would like that about you.

I feel like in someway I’ve won over every part of your family.

The rain would get more violent as time went on. Strikes and hits of lightning would strike all around the city, hitting those gargoyles on every building, she always figured they were decorative, but A/N explained that their horns were made out of copper so people wouldn’t get struck by lightning. Bruce Wayne actually made that a thing, A/N said.

Y/N got a message from the dance competition that she signed up to, turns out, California was hit with a hurricane and most people evacuated. No one was allowed in or out. She guessed weather was being funky everywhere. It sucked, but she already was wishing she could spend time at home instead of out in the world.

A feeling she hated.

She would spend the rest of the day on and off the phone with Jason while it stormed. She would go to bed early that night.

-------------------------------------------------

Jason slipped on his vigilante uniform, the Red Hood was going to be on patrol over this night, stormy or not, it was his duty and he knew that. Did he want to go? Yes. He was killing for some action and he was going with Dick. They would probably have some ‘Bro Time’ which Jason wanted.

Even if it was silence, having Dick nearby him meant enough and gave him peace of mind.

He grabbed his guns and loaded them while packing a few extra magazines in his belt, when Dick placed a hand on his shoulder, “You have to be careful tonight, Jase,” Dick said as he gulped down tears, “Just come back to me alive if you break off from me, okay?”

“Alive but bruised,” Jason joked.

“I’m serious. I can’t lose you again and tonight is going to be massively dangerous.”

“You won’t.”

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cloudninetonine · 3 years

Text

Cogito, ergo sum

Chapter: 2

Pairing: Connor (RK800) x fem!reader

A/N: Hey guys! I want to apologise for the long wait between chpaters but seeing as I’m on my last year of college my school work is coming before everything else so it’s a little hard working between them! Don’t worry, I’m not dropping this series or anything just expect chapters to take a little long to be loaded and everything! Also, this chapter seems a little too far paced for me, so sorry about that as well!

Tags at the bottom once again!

I do not own Detroit become human this is merely fanficion

Warnings: Bad language, physical assault, threats (?), hints of abuse, (Name) being weird like always, also angry (Name), mentions of drugs, there’s a bit of slander against drug abusers that I do not condone!

Undercut babes!

It’s fascinating, it really is, the way her beautiful gaze follows you as you round her, studying her feverishly, your eyes wide and bright.

She’s...well, words cannot describe her. Her beauty lies beyond your imagination and you’re not quite equipped to say anything that her magnificent ears deserve to hear, your words are below her and she’s just-

Wow.

“Ms (Last), please-”

You raise your hand towards the younger engineer, silencing with a small utter of ‘hush’ and he’s shutting his mouth, falling back to the side of your desk with not much else to say.

The android you’ve been un-shamelessly ogling for the past 10 solid minutes is still very quiet, she’s just watching you in her manufactured attire, shy, nervous, scared- everything you really wish she wasn’t right now because there is no way you want her to see you as some sort of threat, far from it.

“Henry” Turning back towards the engineer, he stiffs up like a board, sweat forming on his brow “Why didn’t you dismantle her?”

It’s rude, it’s horrible to say and it sours your mouth when you form those words, but it’s an honest question, you want to know why someone would do this, keep her alive, see her for all her glory.

The public spoke strongly about their opinions of androids, like toys to be played with, slaves to be worked, not the thing you so desperately wanted people to see them as. The masterpieces that stood beyond human comprehension.

The android lets out a noise similar to a whimper as Henry stammers out.

“I-I couldn’t she- um- I-” Finally, he sighs with frustration, Henry makes eye contact with you “She said was scared and...I couldn’t”

You snap back to face her.

“Is that true?”

She hesitates, one second, two seconds, three seconds, four- it takes a whole 30 seconds before she’s finally responding. “Yes…”

Your chest bursts in excitement.

“You’re incredible” Henry deflates in relief, placing a hand against your desk while you grasp her cheeks, her warm grey eyes glancing between your two hands then meet your own stare, confused. “Amazing, beautiful, fantastic, so, so much more”

“...thank you”

You sniff, then you’re pulling away, trying to keep your tears abay. You really can’t believe that your work has gone so far, that new forms of sentient are evolving from a human’s hand, you’re so overjoyed by it all but you’re also kind of realising how weird you’re being.

“Sorry, I’m becoming the creepy stereotypical scientist, let me just-” Pulling off your lab coat, you throw it over her shoulders, pulling it tighter around her for her dainty hands to grasp and hold, a smile growing on her face in gratitude. You’re really still in awe of it all but send her a giddy smile back “Henry get Kamski I’m sure he’s gonna love this”

When the man disappears, closing the office door behind him, you guide her to a chair, kneeling before her kindly.

“Tell me” She waits patiently for you to continue “What’s your name?”

When she opens her mouth, you interrupt her, grasping her hands “No, not the name you were given, the name you have chosen. What is your name?”

You’re at the beginning of history right here, you can already see the books that are yet to be written, all starting at this very moment, with you and her. This android, this amazing, piece of living metal, is the start of something great and you can’t wait to be a part of it.

“My name is….”

-----------

“(Name), I’m sorry, but there isn’t really anything I can do”

Your hands come down on the desk, expression unbelieving.

“But he attacked Ortiz in self defence, it’s not fair for him to be shipped to Cyberlife! That hellhole already has enough test subjects with other deviants, why can’t he be let go!?” Pushing yourself back up, you drag your hands down your face in exasperation “He’s a victim! He was defending himself, why can’t we let him off with a lesser offence?”

Billie sighs, shutting the file softly. “Because in the eyes of the law, he’s not a victim. He’s property and there isn’t much we can do about that. Besides, because Ortiz is dead, his ownership basically goes back to Cyberlife, so they have the authority to take him back”

Billie’s right, you know that they’re right, but it’s just so frustrating, so vexing that this is the case. An android, in the eyes of society, is nothing more than their components, why should they be given the same privilege as those who eat, shit and breathe?

Billie may be a judge, but they didn’t make the law.

You remember years ago, when something like this would have been seen as detestable, that the masses would have stood up to fight this kind of horror, but for some reason, with age came stupidity and ignorance it seemed. What the fuck had happened to you all?

You open your mouth, then close it, then open it again before huffing, taking the file from their desk and ripping your coat off the hanger.

“I’m sorry, (Name)!” Billie calls and you wave them off, shouting back a ‘Don’t worry about it’ then close their office.

The courthouse is only a few blocks away from the precinct, a good walk away, a good way to calm yourself down until you’re having to face the frustration that comes in with having to work in such a high strung place. It’s funny really, you used to say ACAB when you were younger, still believed it too, so it’s really a wonder as to why you joined, but then again sometimes to make change you have to become the very thing you hate-

“Detective (Last)-”

You scream, almost dropping your files and jumping a meter within the air. Passerbys don’t even spare you a glance, a generation raised on the weirdest websites like Vine, Tiktok, Youtube and god forbid, Tumblr, have them desensitised to whatever shit people like to play at now-a-days.

“Oh my God, Inspector Gadget” A hand falls to your chest, checking your racing heartbeat “You can’t just sneak up on a bitch like that”

Connor, the big old puppy, tilts his head in mild confusion “But I called your name twice, detective”

Oh.

“What are you doing here, Connor?”

The android joins your side and you continue your way. “Lieutenant Anderson informed me that you were heading to the courthouse, so I decided to come and brief you about a new case”

A new case, of course a new case, deviancy keeps popping up all over the country rapidly but you can’t hold your surprise about the fact that it’s been a few days and there’s already a new case.

“Deadass?”

Wait, you hadn’t mean to say that-

His eyes narrow “Deadass?”

A snort escapes you “Oh my God I can’t believe you just said that, it sounds so cursed coming from your mouth. I meant, seriously?”

You swear on your life, on everything that may be above and so much more, that the android lets out a laugh when he continues, explaining the details as you finally enter the office.

You realise, as he talks, you feel a whole lot lighter than you had earlier.

-----------

“This guy is as scummy as it gets”

Unfortunately, you can’t help but agree. Todd Williams is about as charismatic as a dumpster fire, messy hair, messy face, stained clothing and the stench of alcohol clung when you finally met him, having to hold back a wince of disgust.

You don’t usually speak ill of others, but you know his type, from the way he carries himself to the way he speaks. You’ve had to face men like him before, his whole demeanor brings back bad memories and you’re so glad that you’re not the one having to get details from him, to have to speak to him.

One thing’s for sure though, you don’t blame whatever deviant decided to book it from him.

“Why doesn’t he just...get a refund from Cyberlife?” You take a sip of your milkshake, staring at Hank, Connor and Mr Williams who looked to be ending off their conversation. “They do that for deviants, don’t they?”

Yes, if you remember, the new flashy CEO of the hell corp spoke it for all to see, that deviance is guaranteed to offer you your cash back.

How inhumane it all sounded.

Gavin scoffs, drinking his coffee “You think a guy like that cares about refunds?”

No. You know why he’s doing it. It’s all about power for fuckers like that.

Mr Williams leaves, Hank is looking through his notes, Connor is heading your way, probably to refer all the information back to you and Gavin is taking in a breath to start his bullshit again, despite your civilness that you had been sharing.

Eh, peace was never an option-

“Your metal boyfriend is heading this way”

The noise you make isn’t human, it’s a mix of a wheeze and scream, like you’ve just choked on the air your breathing and in all honesty, you have, but you’re not letting that mother fucker get away with catching you off guard, especially when he starts laughing.

“Shut up, furry”

Your actually feel the air from his head snapping towards you. “I’m not a fucking furry, quit fucking saying it!”

You pat his shoulder “It’s alright, Reed, we all know you wrote yiff fiction in your spare time-”

You dodge his fist, running away from his red, angered face and petty insults, dragging Connor away from the break room to the side, all while laughing up a storm.

Having your attention on the android again brings back Gavin’s words, his tease of ‘boyfriend’ which makes your face heat up, in what? You’re not quite sure, but it’s enough to make Connor notice your oddity.

“What were you and Detective Reed-”

“Nothing” You cackle, patting down his shoulders to distract yourself “He’s just being an arsehole again, nothing to worry yourself over”

And worry himself he didn’t, because he couldn’t of course, android and all.

Connor was quick to fill you in, an AX400 by the name of Kara had stolen (the word kidnapped comes to mind but you know that the robot detective will just ‘correct’ you on your wording) another android, Mr William’s ‘daughter’, model YK500 named Alice after assaulting him the night before. Mr Williams had been knocked out after the ordeal, as to why it had taken him so long to report it.

“Were there any signs of assault that you could see? Ones that could lead to a potential take down or unconsciousness?” Connor takes a moment before shaking his head “Yeah, I didn’t think so”

What a lying fuck.

“Let’s head to the briefing room”

Hank is there, as well as a whole group of other police officers, talking amongst themselves as you situate yourself behind the podium, screen remote in hand and smiling brightly. Your partners are at your side, Connor in his usual stoic stance while the old fart has his arms crossed, bored as always and you’re ready to debrief the many uniforms but they keep talking, even after you clear your throat.

You’re not one to get angry at being talked over, annoyed, yes, but anger leads you nowhere with a crowd, so instead, you use your most favourite tactic to date

“Pay attention to me or I am gonna start screaming people” You sing. Not a threat, but a promise. “And you all know I will screech like mother fucker”

The room is silent in the next second.

“Great! So-”

The door to the room bursts open.

“Fucking really-”

“Detective (Last)'' It's the front office assistant and by the looks of it, he is panicked, worried even, as he addresses you. You suddenly feel your stomach knot up “I’m sorry, but there’s been an emergency with your relative Carl Manfred”

You swallow, hard. “What?”

The meeting ends right then and there.

-----------

Hank hurls to a stop right outside the entrance. You’re already halfway out of the car when he shuts off the vehicle, Connor is taking off his seatbelt and you’re already racing down the soaked concrete path to the front door, rain pelting down on you.

You barely feel it though.

You startle the receptionist when you slam your hands down, eyes wide in panic, breathing coming out in fast, short pants and just looking as though you faced the masses to make it to this spot, right in front of her.

“Carl Manfred, he was brought here about an hour ago is he-”

She interrupts “Are you family?”

“Yes, please, I-”

“In what relation do you have to the patient?”

Is she really fucking serious right now? You debated leaning over and strangling your answer out of her, letting her know what kind of fucking pain you could put her through in this very moment-

But the hand that is placed against your back keeps you still. It’s warm and comforting and keeps you from mauling the fucker right out of her chair, though it doesn’t calm your anxiety, no, but at least it’s there.

You turn to see Connor, who nods towards you politely.

Huh, what a twist of events.

Hank leans over from your other side, looking just as angry as you feel, though he keeps his voice civil when he speaks “Listen, her old man’s just had a heart attack, could you drop the formal shit so she can see him?”

Her voice is sharp, just like her stupid fucking face and she snaps back “I can’t let you in unless I know your relation, unless you’d like to be escorted out by security”

Damn, she’s playing with fire and you’re ready to throw oil all fucking over her.

“I don’t fucking think so-” Pulling out your badge, you slam it against the desk, with nothing short of a growl “Police. Now, tell me where my fucking dad is or you’ll regret the next words that come out of your mouth”

You never abuse your power as a cop, it’s inhumane and back in your younger days you sneered at the disgusting police who would use their authority for their own gain, so you hate to admit but the nervous look that crosses her face when she sees your badge and Hank’s when he pulls it out for extra effect scratches an itch you begged to be scratched.

“Floor 3, the front desk will inform you what room”

“Thanks” You spit, already rushing to the elevator, the other two following.

Connor is quiet, to your surprise. Honestly, you expected him to speak out about your behaviour, your attitude, your unprofessionalism, but he says nothing, just trails after the two of you in silence, obediently, just like he was made for.

It’s comforting having him here, even if he’s just following orders.

The next receptionist is kinder than the last (she even scowls at the mention of her coworker) and points down the hallway, to where two officers stand with cups of coffee within their hands. They stiffen in surprise at your arrival, but you pay them no mind, pushing your way into the room where you finally pause, taking in the scene of your beloved father figure, laid still within the bed, pale, heart monitor beeping occasionally.

The doctor by Carl’s side looks up at you. “I’m sorry, but who are you?”

Hank and Connor wait outside.

“(Name) (Last), Carl’s daughter and emergency contact” You explain, walking further into the room “Is he- Can I-”

“He’s fine” She explains with a comforting smile “And yes, you can come closer, though the medication has him knocked unconscious so he won’t be talking any time soon”

The relief almost has you collapsing, brings you back from the panic attack that threatens to kick your arse right in front of everyone and you finally breathe normally.

“Thank you, and you are?”

“Dr Collins” Collins offers her hand and you shake it weakly. “Your father is going to be okay, (Name), but he’s going to need a lot of rest. Cardiac arrest at this age can be fatal, so we were lucky that he lived so close”

You nod, tiredly slinking to Carl’s side to drop into the cushion chair, taking his hand in yours. Kissing it lovingly, you place it close to you in comfort, in reassurance.

‘He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s going to be okay-’

“What are you doing here?”

Your anger shoots right back up, as does you head when you turn to look at the doorway.

“Leo” The name is dragged out of your mouth, it’s spoken with a heavy coat of venom and dirt and for all the participants who are about to see this wild shit show, is a clear indication that you’re far from happy to see the man that stood there. “The fuck are you doing here?”

He scoffs “I’m family, what else am I here for?”

“Oh I don’t know,” You’re standing, stalking closer to him with a raged gleam in your eye “To mooch off him a little bit more?”

The tension can be cut with a knife, everyone can see it, feel it, even Connor, who looks ready to intervene at any given moment.

“No, detective” One of the officiers starts, cutting in in hopes to keep you both calm. “He was there when it all happened, he saw everything-”

“He was there?” No, her words only add fuel to the fire and you’re glaring at your brother once again “You were there? The fuck were you there for? You did this?”

“No!”

“Please calm down” Collins cuts in “I understand the anger but the other patients-”

You ignore her, glancing around the area when a thought struck you.

“Where’s Markus?”

Connor’s the first to respond, “Who’s Markus, detective (Last)?”

“Dad’s care bot” A pin drops, no one is speaking, the two cops are quiet, Leo is scowling, but he’s not looking at you and your anger is quickly making room to fear, cold and stabbing when you push again, harsher, angrier “Where the fuck is Markus?”

The second officer speaks this time, hat in his hands and you know what happens next is not going to be good.

“He was leaning over your father when we walked in detective, Mr Leo Manfred told us he attacked him” The man gulps, hesitating. He’s not nervous for what he’s done, no, he’s nervous about the dark look that seems to be slowly taking over your eyes, “I shot him”

A beat goes by. Then another, another, another, another, another-

“Why were you there in the first place?” It’s soft, curious, but the rage behind it is big, your need for an answer is keeping it back “What was the call for?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t-”

“Answer the question, officer”

His partner offers up the answer “....A break in, ma’am”

There’s silence, then you nod in understanding.

No one is quick enough to stop you from shoving Leo into the wall, hands wrapped tightly around the lapels of his jacket and holding him up so you can scream at him properly, face feeling hot from anger, eyes wild from rage, practically feral.

“You fucking did this! This is your fault, you good for nothing fuck!” You pull your hand back and punch him right in the face, he’s too in shock to react but everyone else is trying to pull you off “What?! Were you off your shit from snorting that fucking powder again, you damn druggie!? Huh!? HUH!? You high right now, too!?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, (Name), let go!” Hank yells but he’s fucking impressed by your resistance.

“He could have died because of you, you good for nothing cunt! Worthless piece of shit! Now, Markus is fucking dead because of you, the person who was actually fucking taking care of him! This is all your fault! He’s in that hospital bed, because of you! You! Did! This! All for those stupid drugs! You’re fucking pathetic!”

You’re finally tugged off by someone, their arms slipping under your own to stop you from going back at him again. The officers are acting as a wall between you and your brother, Dr Collin’s is checking his nose as blood drips down his face, Leo is still in shock and Hank is leaning over, hands propped onto his knees. That leaves...

“I’m sorry detective (Last), but I’m going to have to restrain you until you calm down”

You scream in frustration and try to fight against it, but damn, you have to admit in a moment of clarity, Connor is fucking strong.

“Lieutenant Anderson, if you could take her legs, we can escort her out of the building without much trouble” Hank huffs something under his breath probably a grunt of ‘fucking android’ but complies, glaring at you when he leans down.

“You kick me and I’ll kick your ass”

Your respect for him makes you comply, but the anger doesn’t stop you from cussing both him and the android out, naming every threat under the sun as they carry you out of the building, back to the car which you are shoved placed into.

“Let me out of this fucking car, Hank!” You bellow, glaring at the man with sharp eyes who stood outside the vehicle, leaning against it “I’ll break this fucking window, I swear to fucking God!”

“You can try, but we both know you won’t!”

Once again, you’re screaming, tugging frantically at the door’s handle that you know is locked, but are way too angered to care right now.

Connor sits by your side, a good distance away to not antagonise you, silent, waiting and watching as you slowly fall from angry to desperate, tears welling within your eyes and falling down your cheeks. It only takes a few more moments for you to stop altogether, your shoulders shaking as you sob, quietly but strong.

The android finally speaks “Detective (Last)-”

You’re on him in a moment, arms wrapped around his frame, face buried into his shoulder, wetting his suit jacket as you cry, shaking.

It’s a new one for Connor. An android built for detective work, to sniff out the bad deviants, to question suspects and actually built with a comforting feature for victims of crimes. But this is a first, a first he’s seen anyone to tears, more importantly, a first of seeing you so broken. Sure, he had seen you defeated those few days ago, but this is different, you’re not trying to hide conflicting feelings behind your bubbly smile and weird jokes, you’re just...crying. Nothing more, nothing less.

His arms are hovering at your sides, hesitant, unsure and it’s not until Hank gestures from outside the car to ‘fucking do something, you stupid machine’ that the protocol finally kicks in, his arms coming to wrap around you securely and comforting, reassuring you through your whimpers.

Connor is a robot, a machine that feels nothing.

But seeing you cry isn’t something he can just let happen.

Software instability.

-----------

Tags: @dillxpixkles @1950schick @pinkittwice @iris-suoh @loveflowsthroughme @thatlonelyalto @starcatcher-kay (ya’ll I’m half asleep if I forgot you in the taglist I am SORRY-)

#connor rk800 #dbh connor #detroit become human connor #dbh hank #detroit become human hank #dbh gavin #detroit become human gavin #dbh carl #detroit become human carl #connor rk800 x reader #connor rk800 imagine #dbh connor x reader #dbh x reader #dbh imagine #dbh #detroit become human #dbh leo #detroit become human leo #cogito ergo sum

165 notes · View notes

idy-ll-ique · 3 years

Text

Didn’t Know Where Else To Go.

Pairing: Mob Boss!Sebastian Stan x F!Reader

Genre: Fluff and Angst

Warnings: violence, assault, death, mentions of smut at the end and curse words

Requested: Nope

The hero shows up at the villain’s doorstep one night. They’re shivering, bleeding, scared. There’s also a slightly dazed look in their eyes- they were drugged. They look like they were assaulted. Looking up at the villain, swaying slightly as they’re close to passing out, they mumble “...didn’t know where else to go...” then collapse into the villain’s arms.

Summary: Sebastian Stan: a mobster boss. Everyone in the city hated him. When he meets Y/N, a new bartender at his favourite bar, she makes it clear that she also doesn’t like him. What changes?

Author’s Note: Hey peeps! The aforementioned prompt is something I read on Tumblr and really liked it. So I decided to write a fic loosely based on it. I hope you guys enjoy this! (This has been in my drafts for a long time, I’m currently working on 2 requested fics)

---

Sebastian POV:

"Boss, there is someone at the door."

"Send them in," I commanded, looking up from my book. The person who walked in with him was… instantly recognizable. My jaw dropped— she had been crying. Her pupils were dilated, she was taking short, fast breaths and her voice was frail. "What are you doing here?"

"Didn't know where else to go."

With that, she did the most YA-Novel-Female-Protagonist thing she could do— faint.

It all began 7 months ago. The person who was at the door was Y/N Y/L/N, a bartender at one of my favourite bars ever in the city. The thing is, when we first met, she hated me. Let me take you back 7 months.

Flashback:

I entered the bar, smirking when everyone turned to look at me. They looked away just as quickly, their voices becoming hushed. I looked around, stopping when I saw the bartender. Whoa, this was someone new and damn was she cute. Smiling, I walked over and sat down in front of her.

"Hey, was— oh. What will you like, sir?" I rolled my eyes at her. "Come on, why does everyone do the same thing? What is it about me?" I joked, winking. "Um, the fact that you're a fucking mobster and have been terrorizing the city for the past few years and would kill anyone if they question you? Uh, I don't know, actually," she snapped.

I froze. The woman seemed to really hate me. Here I was, thinking if I buttered her up enough she'd come home with me. I told her my order and looked away from her. "So, why here?" she asked me as she prepared my drink. "I really like this place, I've been here before loads of times. I don't plan to stop," I shrugged.

"Ugh, just my luck," she mumbled under her breath, rolling her eyes in disgust. "Look, you don't have to be fucking rude, okay?" I retorted. "Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Shoot me? That's what you like to do, right? Kill people. Innocent people, let me be precise. No wonder everyone in the city except your goons hate you."

With that, she slammed my glass on the counter and stormed away from me, going to serve another customer. I was left staring at the glass, my figure shaking with repressed anger. She knew damn well I never laid hands on innocent people. No one in the city hated me.

Or did they?

The shaking stopped. What if she was right? I mean, she was much closer to the civilians than I was, what if they all hated me? "Uh, excuse me," I called out, hating how my voice cracked slightly. She glanced at me. "What do you want?"

"Answers."

"Ask the questions first," she huffed. "Does… does everyone really not like me?" I asked her. She stopped cleaning the glass, set it down and looked straight at me. "Yes. They don't like you. You're a mobster boss, dude! Have you seen films with mobster bosses? All of them, evil as hell. See how everyone in the bar became quiet when you came in?"

She had a point. "You know I would never lay a hand on innocent people," I defended myself, glaring at her. "Look, I'm sorry but we can never be too careful. What if you snap one day? What if you go rogue? Everyone lives in fear. They're afraid of you. And it's not like I can change everyone's mindset all at once."

"I guess you're right," I muttered, downing my drink in one go. "Hey, Mr Stan?" I looked up. "Y/N Y/L/N. I shouldn't have snapped at you," she apologized quietly, holding her hand out. "Doing this to get onto my good side?" I teased and she laughed.

"Come on, man! Doing this to show people you're not all you seem to be." I took her hand and shook it. "It's very nice to meet you, Y/N." She nodded and went back to cleaning the glasses. "Can I get one more drink?"

"I hope you didn't drive here."

"I came on foot, actually. My house is just down the block." She gasped, startling me. "Mr Stan, giving your address away to strangers? How irresponsible of you!" I couldn't help but laugh. "I guess I trust you to not do anything bad." I spent another 2 hours there, chatting with Y/N.

She was a really fun person to be around. She had completed her education but was searching for jobs. In the meanwhile, she had decided to work here.

By the time I was done drinking, I was too tipsy to even walk. "K, I'm goin'," I slurred, standing up. "Mr Stan, don't— oof," Y/N hissed as I fell off the chair in my intoxicated state. She rushed around the bar and helped me stand, wrapping her arms around my waist. "You can't walk in this state."

"I need to go home," I whined. "As it turns out, you've stayed long enough and now it's closing time. Let me get my coat." She dumped me on the chair and went to fetch her coat. I admired her from afar.

She wore a mini-skirt that was flirtatiously snug around her thick thighs and a tank top. When she wore the coat, it extended past the skirt. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun and she was looking very sexy in the dim light. "Damn," I whispered under my breath, smirking.

When she returned, she helped me stand. I draped an arm around her shoulder and we stepped out of the bar. "Okay, which direction?" I pointed to the right and we proceeded to walk. "Have you ever gotten this drunk before? Because it's obvious you can't handle booze."

"Not really, I usually have to stay sober for my job. We need real intellectuals in the mob biz, you can't have drunk idiots running a mob," I laughed, finding it hard to keep myself upright. Shouldn't have drank so much…

"Right now, sir, you are a drunk idiot," Y/N sighed, rolling her eyes. "Thank you, I will take that as a compliment. Plus, you can just call me Sebastian, it's okay." She shook her head and silence fell between us. "Tell me when we're there," she spoke quietly as I felt a headache coming.

"Being drunk sucks," I pouted, "I'm not even having a good time! It hurts everywhere—" "Probably because you fell off the chair." "—and my head hurts! I don't understand why people like to be so drunk." She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"You are seriously reminding me of my ex-boyfriend. He couldn't handle drinks either and I always had to babysit him when he got back home drunk," she muttered. "You can babysit me anytime!" I said cheerfully. "You're drunk, Sebastian, stop flirting with me."

"But you're so cute."

"Thank you, that is very kind of you."

"And se— we're here! That's my house!" She stopped in front of my house and rang the bell. "Is anyone at home or do I have to tuck you in?" she joked. "Nah, my best buddies and right-hand-men live with me. One's name is Chris—" Just at that moment, Chris opened the door.

"Wha— Sebastian? Are you drunk?"

"Sorry sir, I didn't know he couldn't handle drinks. I'm Y/N Y/L/N, the new bartender at Red Tavern." With that, she passed me to Chris. "Thank you for bringing him home, Ms Y/L/N. It's not your fault he got intoxicated, he should've known when to stop. He didn't cause trouble, did he?"

"Oh no, of course not, sir. He's fun to be around," she commented, gesturing towards me. I grinned. "Please, he's really not, you don't have to lie. Anyway, thank you so much again! Do you want a lift home? I can ask Anthony to drive you home."

"That would be great, thanks. My house is in the opposite direction, it's a bit far…"

"Absolutely no problem. Anthony!"

A few minutes later, my other friend, Anthony Mackie came downstairs, rubbing his eyes. "Yeah— oh, Sebastian is— damn." He tried to hold his laughter in. "Yeah. While I get him to his room, do you mind dropping her home? That's Y/N, she brought him home." Y/N waved at him.

"Of course, I don't mind. Thanks, Y/N, for taking care of our boss." She shook her head, waving her arms in dismissal. "Absolutely no worries, sir." They walked away, closing the door behind them. "She's cute, right?"

Chris blinked at me. "You have a crush on her!" he guffawed. "Duh, man. Did you even look at her? Girl was oozing sexiness," I smiled in fond memory. "Okay this got weird fast, I'm just gonna take you to bed." He got me to my room, placed me on the bed and left.

As soon as my head hit the pillow, I passed out.

End Flashback.

"Y/N!" I yelled, jumping out of my seat to catch her in time. "Get a suite ready," I barked angrily at a few people, who immediately ran in fear. "And you, get me some water and a blanket." The person nodded shakily and ran out of the room. I picked Y/N up and carried her to the couch, laying her down. I sat next to her, checking her temperature.

Oh no, I needed a doctor. I took out my phone and called my personal practitioner but before I could speak, Y/N coughed. "Y/N," I whispered, cutting the call. "Sebastian, it hurts," she moaned. "Don't worry, doll, I'm calling my doctor. Stay here tonight."

"I don't have anywhere else to go." I froze. "Your house?" I asked. "That's… that's where I got attacked. I can't go back," she cried. "Wait, just— just take rest, we'll talk when you're better. Get some sleep, I'm calling my doctor." I called him again, glancing at Y/N when she took my other hand and closed her eyes.

I chatted with him for five minutes; he said he'd take half-an-hour to get to my place. "Damn it," I grumbled, keeping my phone on the table. Just then, one of my servants returned with the glass of water and the blanket. I thanked her and she left the room, so it was just me and Y/N.

"Y/N, sweetie, can you please get up for me?" She opened her eyes. "What?" Oh God, she was getting weaker. "Have some water." As soon as I held the glass of water in front of her, she freaked out. Screaming, she pushed the glass out of my hand and it fell to the floor with a 'clang', the water spilling everywhere.

"No, no water, no… no…" She sobbed, pulling at her hair. "Okay, okay, no water! No water! Y/N, calm—" I grabbed her hands and clutched them in mine. She stopped sobbing; looked at our hands and then at my face. I brought her hands to my lips, softly kissing them. "No water. It's okay, Y/N, you're safe with me."

"Safe," she breathed heavily, "That's what he said to me before he poisoned me!" Who was he? Okay, she was getting insanely paranoid now… "I'm not like him, Y/N, I don't wanna hurt you," I whispered, looking straight into her eyes.

"Yes, you are! You both can't handle drinks!" she yelled, her tears beginning to flow once more. "Wait." My nostrils flared. Her ex-boyfriend, he harmed her? "Y/N, please, this is not good for your health, why don't you try to calm down? Breathe, baby girl, please," I pleaded.

She seemed to momentarily come to her senses. "Sebastian…" Without warning, she sat up and flung herself in my arms. And for once, I didn't mind holding her close. "You're okay with me. I'm not him. I am not going to harm you, Y/N, trust me," I mumbled into her hair, rubbing her back.

"I trusted him," she sobbed, "And he tried to kill me." This time, my anger won. I vowed to myself, if I don't kill her ex boyfriend in the next 24 hours— "I am nothing like him. We may have one shared trait," I rolled my eyes at its stupidity, "But I am nothing like him. For once, I wouldn't harm you even in my dreams."

Her sobs started to subside. "That's it, doll, don't cry. I'll keep you safe. Even if I die trying, I'll let no harm come to you." For 7 long months, I missed her. I missed her a bit too much. Every waking moment of mine was spent thinking about the beautiful bartender.

She was in my dreams. She was constantly on my mind. I longed for the moment when I could meet her again and ask her out. Alas, that time never came.

A week after we met, I had to go to Romania for some important work. I spent three months there and when I was back, Y/N was no longer working at the bar. She found a new job and I had no way of locating her anywhere.

I knew Anthony dropped her home that one time but when I asked him, he told me she had asked him to drop him off somewhere else. From there, he said, she was going to walk alone. He offered to drop her home again, but she refused. Having no choice, he returned without knowing where she lived.

That resulted in me not knowing where she was. I was heartbroken and told myself to stop thinking about her. I became more and more engaged in work, I became moody, temperamental and cold-hearted. Everyone started fearing me more now.

And I finally saw what Y/N meant.

What if you snap one day?

That day was closer than I thought. Even though I became a much more accomplished mobster, there was one thing I couldn't do even if I tried— forget about the love of my life.

"Seb, it hurts." I was brought back to the real world. "What hurts, baby girl?" I whispered, pulling her closer. "Head. Stomach. Legs. Arms. Heart." I smiled sadly at the last word. "I'll help you heal, Y/N, you don't have to go anywhere until you're better." She nuzzled into my neck. "I'd like that."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," I called out, it was probably the doctor. Sure enough...

"Mr Stan? Oh, you have a guest." I tried to shift to make space for the doctor, but Y/N whimpered. "It's okay, Mr Stan, she clearly feels safer with you here." I placed Y/N on my lap, covering her with the blanket. "This is my friend, Y/N," I spoke fondly, though I really wanted to add 'girl' in front of 'friend'.

"Nice to meet you, dear, I am Dr Greenwood." With my help, he quickly ran some tests on her. "Hm, she has a fever, her heart rate is very fast and that's not good. Is there any other problem you're facing?" She nodded. "Headache and stomach ache."

"She claims to be poisoned," I added. "Oh dear me! I need to run a blood test, will you be so kind as to extend your right arm?" She did as he told her and he quickly took some blood. "Will she be fine?" I asked worriedly.

"Well, she seems to be doing okay currently, which means the poison hasn't affected her yet. How about I get back to you by the morning? Just keep an eye on her and if something happens, bring her to the hospital."

"Okay, doc. Thank you." He nodded and got up. "Bye!" Y/N called out weakly; he smiled at her and left, closing the door behind him. "You've got to tell me everything, doll," I whispered, putting her down on the couch. She lay down and I sat on the floor near her head.

"Okay, I will tell you. It was a few hours ago," she began quietly, "I was at home, watching the seventh season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine when someone rang the bell. When I opened the door, my ex burst into the room forcefully. He pushed me."

My breathing sped up. "He pushed you? How dare that asshole—"

"Let me finish?"

"Go ahead, love, I'm sorry."

"Right, so he was very very drunk. And he was talking about how I broke his heart by breaking up with him and how he was so mad at me that he wanted to kill me. In front of me, he popped open the bottle of beer with him and poured an entire bottle of poison in it! An entire bottle! Then he attacked me and pinned me to the couch, forcing me to drink the poisoned beer."

"How did you escape?" I whispered. "By kicking him in the balls. Unfortunately, I ended up gulping down a sip and panicked. Seeing no other choice, I pushed him as hard as I could and he collided with the table. He hurt himself and became unconscious. I ran out of the house to the first place I could think of— here."

"I'm glad you came to me, Y/N, you'll be perfectly safe here. Our security is top-notch," I chuckled. She smiled, too. "Where are Chris and Anthony?" she noticed. "They're in Romania. They decided to stay back."

"Wait, that's where you were this whole time? You didn't come to the bar again and until then, I found another job so I quit. I thought you would never come back. I missed you a lot," she pouted. "I missed you, too. I was actually in Romania for 3 months and when I came back, I couldn't find you. I didn't even know where you lived, I didn't know where to look."

"What matters is now we're back together again!" she squealed. "You should rest for a while," I muttered, running my fingers through her hair. I checked the time, it was almost 2 am. Laughing when she yawned, I sat up. "I guess I should."

"Come, I'll take you to your room." I stood up with Y/N still in my arms. "I don't wanna be alone," she worriedly spoke, "What if he's awake and comes looking for me and finds me here?"

"No one is finding you here," I sighed, "I'll stay with you, okay? Just tell me your address." Without thinking, she narrated her entire address and looked up at me with sleep-hooded eyes. I walked into the suite my people had readied for her and placed her down on the bed.

"I'm right here, just relax and try to sleep," I crooned, running my fingers through her hair. She immediately closed her eyes, which relieved me because she was listening now. When her soft snores filled the room, I heaved a breath and got up. Covering her with a blanket, I left the room, quietly closing the door behind me.

---

"This is the place," I spoke to myself, stopping my car under the building. I got out and entered, taking the elevator to the sixth floor where she lived. When I reached her apartment, I noticed that the door was still open. I walked in, my gun ready as I looked around the place. Wow, Y/N maintained this place well.

I searched every room thoroughly, starting with the living room, then the kitchen and then the two bedrooms. Shit, did the asshole leave? Y/N told me she left him in the living room. I was about to leave when I heard belching coming from one of the bathrooms. I opened the door to the one closest to me, only to see someone puking in the toilet.

"Ew," I whispered and he looked up. "What the fuck—" He flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth with the toilet paper, "—are you doing here?" I realized he was still under the effects of heavy drinking. "Y/N told me everything," I sneered, hiding my gun behind my back.

"She knows you? Pfft, I knew she was a whore, why would she leave me for a goddamn mobster? Everyone in the city hates you," he jeered back. "Um, why don't you consider this? You're an abusive and possessive asshole and Y/N left you because you obviously were treating her badly?" I snapped.

"Don't get smart with me," he snarled, taking out a knife from his back pocket. "Oh," he snorted when I glanced at the knife, "Yes, I came prepared to cut that bitch up if she tried to fight back." The language he was using to describe Y/N was getting to me now.

"Enough!" I stated firmly, so firmly that even he paused. "I will not have you talking about Y/N like this, you are crossing a line." He returned to laughing. "Care too much about one of your sluts? What is she, your girlfriend?" Okay, he didn't have to rub it in…

"I said—'' I whipped out the gun and pointed it at him, "—enough. If you don't stop badmouthing Y/N—" He interrupted me again by laughing. "Of course, you're gonna shoot me. You like to murder innocent people, that's all you are! A bloody, fucking cold-hearted murderer! Y/N would never leave me for a guy like you! She is your slut!" he spat.

"Are you listening to yourself?! You tried to fucking kill Y/N because she couldn't put up with your abusive ways and your disturbing habits! I do not kill innocent people and I don't plan on killing them ever," I growled, "However, I do make exceptions for abusive boyfriends who treat my friend wrong!"

With that, before he could retort, I fired three bullets at him. All three hit him in the chest and I watched as he fell against the floor, instantly dead. Some of his blood sprayed on my clothes and face, which made me scrunch up my face in disgust. But as I watched his lifeless body on the floor, a smile bloomed on my face.

Y/N was safe.

I checked myself in the bathroom mirror, washed my face and decided to go back. But before I could, I realized that Y/N would be spending some time with me and would need her necessities. So before leaving, I packed two full-sized travel bags with her clothes, electronics, footwears, toiletries and sanitation products; anything I deemed necessary for day-to-day living.

Soon, I left the apartment with the bags to go back to Y/N.

---

"Seb?"

I looked up from my book as Y/N sat up, yawning and clutching her head. "Y/N, the results came back, you're going to be fine," I told her happily, sitting down next to her. "Really?" A smile bloomed on her face. "Yes! Dr Greenwood said you didn't swallow too much poison and that you will most likely excrete the amount you swallowed." She nodded.

"That's great news! I'm glad he brought one of those cheap poisons instead of the deadly ones," she giggled. Just his mention made my temper snap. "Oh, don't even talk about that jerk," I snarled, "I took care of him last night and now he won't be bothering you anymore."

She blinked at me. "You killed him, didn't you?" she deadpanned and I blushed. "I mean— I didn't—" I stammered but gave up when she raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I killed him," I muttered, looking at my lap. When she placed her hand on my cheek, I turned to look. "I'm not mad at you. Bitch had it coming."

I burst out laughing at her word choice, which made her smile, too. All of a sudden, she leaped up and wrapped her arms around my neck, catching my lips in a kiss. I stopped laughing and put my arms around her waist, kissing back. Had this just happened? Was she kissing me?

"I love you, Sebastian," she murmured upon pulling away, straddling my lap. I kept the book away and pulled her closer. "Really? I love you, too." She snorted. "Kinda obvious, you killed a man for me. I wasn't going to make a move on you but now I'm sure."

"Hm, my intelligent sweetheart," I grinned, leaning forward to kiss her again. The problem was solved and all was well. "What are your plans for the day?" she asked me, trailing a finger down my face, jaw, neck and chest. "Hm, don't have any," I smirked, pulling her closer.

"Wanna stay and… have some fun?"

"Boy, do I?"

Y/N laughed loudly as I flipped us over, laying down on top of her. Her laughs soon transitioned into moans as I attacked her neck and jaw with kisses.

We did have fun.

A lot of it.

A bit too much of it.

But who cares?

I was finally with the love of my life and everything was good.

---

A/N: Leave a like if you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!

#sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x y/n #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x female reader #sebastian stan characters #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier #disney #mcu #marvel #avengers #fanfic #writing #writeblr

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thestrangebeingyouarent · 3 years

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i love you so fucking much - coops proposal

Haha, I feel like shit so here have some fluff. Also apparently I can't just write a cute date, it always turns into some grand gesture, it's called ~love starved~ (I just had a major stress thingy, which is why I can't put my own thoughts into words, only coops cuteness)

(I had paper rings by Taylor Swift on repeat, so do with that what you will - okay update 24 hours later: there will be a paper rings lyric fic :))

And a big thabk you to my beta @tonksandherpinkhair !! I really really appreciate it!!

!! Okay so I havent been very active on tumblr lately and I literally just, like 2 min ago, found out that @fruitcoops also did a proposal fic with paper rings by taylor swift. But I just wanted to make clear that this fic (or the part 2) wasn’t stolen from them, we just got the same idea apparently lmao. (I put this "warning" here, because my anxiety just told me that otherwise everyone will hate me and think I stole the idea)

I recommend that you still read their fic because it's really fucking amazing and adorable!!! !!

Cw// food, fear of drowning, swear words

~~~

'Mon loup, you know I love you, but why are we going ice-skating? It's our job.'

'It's romantic.' Sirius raised his eyebrow. 'Okay, I saw a couple do it on TikTok, but it was really romantic.'

'But do they play ice-hockey for a living?'

'Baby, we can stay there and have dinner and look at the stars. We can stay as long as we want. Please?' Sirius was persuaded at the word baby.

Sirius hadn't exactly known what made him agree -it was the word baby- but now he stood in front of a completely frozen lake. It felt different without his protection gear and with the fact that there was ice-cold water underneath the ice. A vivid memory of 10-year old Sirius came up.

It had been his first time skating on natural ice, but I wasn't cold enough. Sirius had taken one step on the ice and his foot went right through. The worst part was that no one seemed to care, except for Regulus. It was when Sirius started to realize they simply didn’t care about anything other than his reputation.

'Pads?' Remus' warm voice broke through the memory. 'Are you alright? You don’t have to skate if you don’t want to.'

'No, I want to.' He tried to smile. 'I'm sorry.'

'No need to be sorry, come, I'll help you.' Remus carefully stepped on the ice and Sirius almost winced at the thought of Remus falling through.

But when Remus took his hand all the ghosts from his past seemed to fade away and he realized that for once in his life there was nothing holding him back from being happy.

'I got you. One foot first.' Remus helped Sirius on the ice. 'Love you. Now let's go skate, shall we?'

Sirius laughed as Remus dragged him to the middle of the lake where loads of families were already skating together.

'Honey, like you said, this is your job,' Remus laughed when Sirius slipped.

'It's the ice! It's different!' He said, but he was laughing too.

'Sure, baby.' Sirius grabbed Remus' arm and pulled him on the ice with him. 'Sirius!'

He just laughed and tried to stand up and skate away, but Loops was put on the Lions team for a reason. Remus had reached him within a minute.

'Were we planning on going somewhere?' Remus' smile still gave Sirius butterflies sometimes.

'Sir?' A small girl looked up to Remus. 'How did you learn to skate so fast?' For a second he hesitated and then he lowered himself to eyelevel with the girl.

'Hi, what is your name?'

'Everly, but, Sir, how did you skate so fast?'

'Everly, manners!' a woman interrupted her. 'I'm sorry, she's six and, well, hard to control.'

'Oh that's alright,' Remus said. 'Hi Everly, my name is Remus Lupin. I play professional ice-hockey. But I can teach you some tricks. If that's alright with your mother, of course.' Sirius heart almost melted at the sight.

'Mommy, can I please skate with Remus?' The girl tried her best to look cute and Sirius had to admit that she was almost as cute as Remus.

'You are- That means you are Sirius Black, I thought I recognized you! Ev, stay in sight, okay?' She gave her daughter a stern look and then smiled. Both her and Sirius watched them skate away.

'I'm sorry, kids seem to automatically have thing for Remus. I can't say I don't understand them, though I hope it's a different kind of thing.' The woman laughed at Sirius', slightly awkward, but apparently successful ice-breaker.

'My name is Sarah by the way. I heard everything about you and Remus on the new some months ago, that must've been hard.' Sirius normally wouldn’t answer to this, but Sarah had somewhat the same motherly energy that both Hope Lupin and Celeste Dumais had, though maybe a little less.

'It wasn't, but it got us here.' She smiled at him.

'I'm glad it did.' She turned around to look for something. 'Oh, Jack! I am so sorry, my toddler just learned how to walk and Cecile and I have trouble getting him to not walk on the ice.' She smiled apologetically. 'Could you give a shout if something happens with Everly?' Sirius nodded. 'Thank you, darling,' she said as she skated to her wife and son.

Sirius saw her kiss her wife, Cecile, on the cheek and bow down over the toddler and he couldn’t deny that he wanted that. Someday. With Remus.

Then he felt a weight against his back and arms around his hips. 'Hey baby,' Remus whispered. Sirius turned around and kissed his boyfriend.

'Where is your little admirer?'

'She's showing her mom all the tricks I taught her.'

'You'd be a great dad.' Remus seemed a little taken aback by that.

'You would too.'

Sirius couldn’t hold it in. 'I want that. Someday.'

'Me too.' Remus couldn’t hold back a smile and kissed Sirius again. 'Love you,' he whispered against his boyfriends lips.

'Hmm, love you too,' Sirius replied.

'Do you want to sit down and eat something? I brought chocolate.'

'of course you did.'

Hours later, both Remus and Sirius were getting tired. They had skated, talked and exchanged contact with Sarah and her family and Remus had eaten a shocking amount of chocolate. They had been snuggled on a thick blanket with another blanket over them in a tent-like contraption for an hour now. Remus was the first to notice it was getting dark.

'Pads. Pads, we can see the stars now,' he whispered to a half-asleep Sirius. He took his hand and dragged him up. Let's go on the ice, there is the least unnatural light.' Remus began walking.

'Honey, you forgot your skates.'

'Don’t need 'em.' He walked to the middle of the lake and promptly sat down and then laid on his back. 'You coming?' Sirius rolled his eyes, but went to lay next to Remus anyway. There they looked up, waiting for the stars to become more and more visible. The ice was cold underneath them, but Remus warmth made up for that.

After a while the stars were very visible and Remus pointed to the sky. 'Okay, if that's the north star, than North is right,' he lowered his hand in a straight line, 'there.' He pointed somewhere to into the forest next to the lake.

'How do you know this?' Sirius looked at his boyfriend looked at him.

'I might have looked up how to stargaze this morning,' Remus admitted. Sirius laughed -it could almost be called barking- when he saw Remus' grin. 'Anyway, there is Ursa Major. And I think that that is..' That was the point where Sirius stopped paying attention to what Remus said and more to him.

Remus' lit up when he talked about something made him happy. He had a wide smile and gold sparks in his eyes.

'And that's you, baby, the dog star.' But Sirius didn't look up, he kept staring at his boyfriends face. 'Pads?'

'Marry me.' It slipped out. He hadn't meant to say it, but it was sincere.

'What!?' Remus shot up.

'I- I just realized how fucking much I love you. I want to spend every second with you, I want to talk either to you or about you, I want,' Sirius trailed off in a search for words, 'you.' He smiled. 'I just want you.' Sirius had not prepared this, in any way, but he was happy with what he said.

'Bab-y,' Remus' voice broke as tears welled up and Sirius sat up and then went down on one knee.

'I'm sorry I don’t have a ring, but here goes,' he smiled apologetically. 'Remus, will you marry me?'

'Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!' He kissed Sirius. 'Ba- fiancé,' he whispered against his lips, 'I love you so fucking much too.'

I kinda want a significant other now,, anyway, let me know if you want a part 2 where they tell people!!

(I'll probably write it anyway, but still!)

#wolfstar #sweater weather lumosinlove #sweater weather fanfic #lumosinlove #remus lupin #sirius black #proposal fic #coops #coops fluff #el's writing

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deeranger · 3 years

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Fic Writer Questions!

@oddsocksandstuff tagged me in this, thank you so much, sweetie! ❤️

1) How many works do you have on AO3? I’ve got 40 so far (of which 25 are SPN fics). There’s more to come!

2) What’s your total AO3 word count? 486,667, apparently. That tells me each of my fics has an average wordcount of 12,166.675… Seems about right. I was never any good at keeping things short.

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? Uhh… On AO3 I’ve written for Supernatural, Supernatural RPF, X-men (Cherik) and McFassy (James McAvoy/Michael Fassbender). But I’ve written a lot when I was younger that has never made it online, including NCIS, Pirates of the Caribbean, and lots of weird one-shorts starring everyone from Michael J. Fox to Kevin Sorbo from “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys”. 🤨

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos? “A Lesson to be Taught” – an SPN Wincest pwp fic where a dominant Dean fucks (and spanks) Sam and they discover that Dean apparently has a daddy!kink. Comes with a photo manipulation too! There be dick.

“Taking Game” – a semi-dark medieval Cherik (Charles Xavier/Erik Lehnsherr from X-men) AU. Basically, Charles is a poacher hunting on king Erik’s land to his great dismay. And so, he’s captured and gets the choice between losing his life or serving the king for a bit… Dubcon and smut ensues. “Only Like This” – a little SPN Wincest dub-con fic about hopelessly pining Dean doping Sam just so he can touch and kiss his oblivious little brother. It’s okay. Sam won’t remember when he comes to. “It’s Only Carnal” – A dark SPN Wincest noncon fic where soulless!Sam needs to blow off some steam. And when it comes to carnal activities his brother isn’t exactly a novice – so why not use Dean’s body to make them both feel good? “Demonized” – a long and dark af SPN noncon fic written in collaboration with the awesome @palishere. Sam is captured by some nasty demons who use him to lure in his brother. At first it seems the demonic scumbags are just really perverted and have a weakness for sexual torture, but they turn out to have ulterior motives…

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not? Yes, always. I think it can be a bit demotivating for a reader to leave a comment and get zero response – and so, they might not bother to comment on the next fic. At least, that’s how I feel personally. And besides, I really want to let readers know that I appreciate them taking the time and effort to actually tell me what they think.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Oufff… Seriously? How can I possibly pick just one when 99.8 percent of my fics are not only dark af but have gut-wrenching ambiguous endings as well? I, err… I’m gonna have to think really hard about this one, hold on… *Insert buzzing cicada sound*… Uhh… Well, I guess it might be… “Play or Pay” – a dark female!reader-insert Wincest fic where demon!Dean has you and Sam trapped somewhere underground. Sam ends up being on the receiving end of the demon’s cruelty when he tries to save you. Using Dean’s body the demon ends up raping Sam while the reader tries to escape to get help... There’s a little twist in the end. Loads of dead dove here, including death (not Dean or Sam). “The Orange Hour” – where undercover inmate!Dean has to rape CO!Sam in order to save both of their lives and get them out of the jail in one piece. It doesn’t go completely as planned. (Comes with an nsfw photo manipulation). “Demonized” – loads of bottom!Sam torture, full of hurt and absolutely no comfort... It’s just… I dunno, I think I and @palishere had a collective meltdown in the noncon and angst department. Sorrynotsorry.

8) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written? Nope, I’ve never in my life written a crossover. Usually, I’m too laser-focused on 1 obsession at a time. I can’t multitask, okay?

9) Have you ever received hate on a fic? Yes, the fandom purity police has visited me on AO3. The usual self-proclaimed know-it-alls vomiting their bullshit all over the comment section about how “problematic” noncon is and how “sick” I must be. I thought about moderating comments for a while, actually – but I just deleted their follow-up comments until they left me alone. 😤

10) Do you write smut? If so what kind? Yes!! Gimme! Usually, I write noncon smut or just good ol’ pwps that feature some sort of dominance. That’s it. That’s my jam. In general, the only smut I don’t write is the cute, fluffy, feel-good, cuddly stuff… My smut’s usually pretty rough and/or some sort of dub/noncon.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen? Yes. Someone stole “It’s Only Carnal” and posted it as her own on some Portuguese fanfiction site. She even replied to comments, answered questions and talked about how much she loved writing it, etc… Luckily a sweet mutual on Tumblr let me know about it and I reported her for plagiarism. The stolen fic was taken down shortly after and the account deleted. Goddamn thief. 😡

12) Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes. Honestly, I can’t remember which fic(s). But people have contacted me on AO3 and asked for permission to translate my stuff into Chinese. I have - of course - happily allowed them to. It’s such an awesome compliment to get, I think!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes, 2. “Demonized” and the fluffy Ficfacers prompt fic “The Masks We Wear” starring Sam and Dean taking their pranks a step too far. Basically, the brothers get angry with each other and they need to talk it out… No smut in this one, can you believe it?!! But that was kinda the prompt we received. The prompt was literally: “Sam and fluff”. Anyways, both fics are co-written with the lovely @palishere. You can find her AO3 here. 😊

14) What’s your all time favorite ship? Wincest!!! Definitely. Gimme all the brotherfucking, please. No contest. And coming in on second place I guess there’s Samifer – never paired consensually, though. I just love Lucifer messing with Sam’s head and torturing him in all kinds of cruel ways.

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? Oh, that’s a mean question… I have a noncon WIP where Sam and Dean are in prison. I wrote a whole story outline, gathered my own little dictionary of prison slang, etc… But I never made it past page 10 or something. Sam was supposed to get jumped by a gang of inmates and then Dean was supposed to helplessly watch from the sideline, offering to trade places if they’d just leave his little brother alone… And after that it’s all about a mix of healing and vengeance… But the story has been lying on the shelf for more than a year and I doubt I’ll ever continue it. Oh, wait! I almost forgot – I have a long Cherik WIP sequel to “To Have and to Hold”! Just checked, its wordcount is 18,729! Holy crap…. What a waste, huh? But I honestly don’t think I’ll ever finish it, because I’m not into Cherik anymore. That ship has kinda sunk for me…. So, now I’m hyperfixating on Supernatural, yeah?

16) What are your writing strengths? Description, I think. I just love details and setting the mood. I like to think I’m pretty good at writing in English too even though it isn’t my native language… I wish to be better and expand my vocabulary but I’m doing okay nonetheless.

17) What are your writing weaknesses? Description, I think. Yes, you read correctly. I often describe things TOO much. Sometimes to the extent where the pacing gets so slowed down that I feel like the scene loses its ‘feel’. I don’t know if it’s just in my head, but that’s my major concern about my writing. That and my signature ambiguous endings, lol.

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? Love it. It can be difficult to pull off, but if you get it right it can be magical. Just don’t overdo it and make sure that the reader can follow. I don’t think I have any fics online where I do it, but I’m not a complete stranger to it either.

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for? Ack, my poor brain trying to go back to when I was friggin’ 13… You know how many years ago that was?! 25!!! Okay!? *Huffs*…. Anyway, I THINK it might’ve been Keanu Reeves’ character in “Johnny Mnemonic”. Or maybe David James Elliott’s character as Harmon Rabb in the early seasons of “JAG”. I dunno. Either way this question makes me feel really old and I don’t appreciate it. Don’t @ me. 😅

20) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? That’s probably a tie between “The Orange Hour” and “It’s Only Carnal”. They’ve both got nice pacing and that’s my biggest challenge, I think. Also, I love the whole Morse code thing in “The Orange Hour”. I don’t even know what happened or how I came up with it, but hey, I can surprise myself if I want to, I guess! And of course there’s the smutty noncon and all of the hurt… So, those two fics are my personal faves. 😏

I’ll tag @jackandthesoulmates, @pinkoptics, @palishere, @wrenseroticlibrary, @decadent-prince, @negans-lucille-tblr, @juinae and @impala-dreamer and everyone else who feels like doing it! Feel free to ignore, of course.

#dee answers #fanfiction questions #personal

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