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nomenomens · 1 year

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Nomen

Chapter XIX - Wrecked

CW: hints at sex, nothing explicit, but please, consult the 'About Nomen' section for more informations

WC: around 3500 words

Previous Chapter : XVIII - Avalanche

Next Chapter : XX - Do I Wanna Know?

Masterlist

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March 31, Thursday, 23:59 (present time)

“So, how was you day?”

“Seb, skip the pleasantries and come here.”

Having Sebastian in my bed wasn’t the right response to the way I was starting to feel for Captain Ackerman, but it might have been a good distraction at least. Since that morning, I wasn’t able to erase from my mind the image of the Captain on that black horse but I was aware I couldn’t afford to catch any serious feelings for him. Or anyone else for that matter, but especially for him. Since the moment I read about him I felt a strange connection to him, something I couldn’t even express with words. We were completely different and yet so similar. I was open about my feelings while he wasn’t, but we both had lost the people we loved, more than once, and were anchored to promises as if our sanity depended on their fulfillment. I thought I could understand him and maybe, eventually, we could’ve even developed a sincere relationship, maybe not properly as friends or confidents, but at least being able to talk politely towards each other. I was being naive. He, as the rest of the squad, had been through too much to just trust me and I had to give up at any chance of building a personal relationship. But why was it so difficult to ignore them? To ignore him? Why couldn’t I just admit defeat and let them go? It was my guilt about not taking care of Eren or was I just attract to them because of their tragic story and I was trying to fulfill my need of being needed? Why was I picturing his face while Sebastian was tracing his fingers along my sides? Why was I secretly hoping that he would knock at my window one night? Why Sebastian couldn’t make these thoughts disappear? I tried to lose myself into the sheets and concentrate on the lips that lingered all over my body but my mind was still refusing to let the image of the Captain go. I wanted to convince myself that it was just lust, as it was for Sebastian, but I knew that I was lying to myself. It was pointless to hide how I immediately connected the way I felt that morning, just at the sight of him doing an ordinary activity, with how I felt towards Tomoe all those years ago. I liked him, but I needed to suppress this before it was too late.

“Seb…f-faster.”

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April 11, Monday, 15:48 (present time)

“So, how long you’ll be gone?”

“I hope two to three weeks will suffice. Hanguang-jun said he has found something about both Jiang Cheng and Mo Xuanyu. I won’t be able to contact you often.”

“I know, and I can evoke you in case of urgency.”

“That you can do. I have instructed Mey-Rin to stay at the squad’s disposal as I did for the past weeks. Bard and the dragons-“

“Will stay in the woods unless Finnian finds somethings suspicious.”

“I thought it would be better to let them accompany you.“

“Seb, there’s no need. I survived without you before, I can do it again. Why are you so worried?”

“Because Mizuki can’t fit into your ordinary world and you should always be accompanied when you go outside the house but Mey-Rin has other duties since the Survey Corps could still decide to betray you.”

“No one disturbed me in all these years, they won’t start now. The companies are doing just fine, and there are no real threats, except for Eren Jaeger, right now and we both know there’s still time before…his final plan.”

“You can still order me to eliminate him and make it look like an incident.”

“I won’t. I want to naively think he’ll change his mind.”

“Whatever fits you best, A-Li.”

“In any case, you should go now. I’ll be fine and won’t die in your absence. You’ll still have your dinner. And it’s not like I go outside the house that often. Concentrate on your mission with Hanguang-jun.”

“As you wish, My Lady.”

Sebastian bowed his head with his right hand placed where his heart should be, a gesture he always made when he accepted a mission; maybe it was an habit of his. I observed his back as he walked away and sensed a slight change in my emotion at our separation. Since the last time he left for China a lot of things had changed, and among them, the one I realized in that moment was how I didn’t feel empty and alone like before. My body would probably missed him more than my mind or my heart would do. I was relieved to confirm once more that it was clear within me that love wasn’t what I felt for him, but at the same time to be so emotionally distant from someone I was sleeping with could only mean that my interest was developing elsewhere. Captain Ackerman took up the habit to go to the stables near the airport early in the morning and, as a reflex, every time I went past them with my dad to go to the university, I searched for him. I scanned every millimeters before me to find his figure on his usual black horse and, when he was close enough to the road, I focused on his features. His expression was always engrossed, lost in some thoughts of which I was afraid to discover the content, but more relaxed, less cold and diffident. I wanted to study his expressions longer, but my visual on him was always interrupted too soon by the sudden change of the road, and so he disappeared from my sight, leaving me wondering and fearing what was on his mind to make him look so different and so beautiful. It was pure torture to wait ’til night to have Sebastian helping me getting him out of my head, something he usually failed to do, but it was still better than being swallowed by the thought of him. It was pointless and stupid to even think of him for various reasons: he clearly resented me for starters, not to mention that my indecisiveness about killing Eren and prevent the Rumbling was an enormous weight on my heart. On top of that, he had lost what I firmly thought was the love of his life, Commander Smith, in a traumatic way. From what I’ve read, their bond was deep and irreplaceable, more entrenched than what I had with Tomoe, since we never had time to openly love each other. Still, it wasn’t my wish to fight with his ghosts, I already had mine to take care of. I was willing to let Sebastian consume me in order to prevent falling for the Captain, and so, as I watched my demon walk away from me, the thing that worried me the most was how to cope with my own thoughts.

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April 13, Wednesday, 20:04 (present time)

"Hello?"

“Roni! Sorry if I'm calling you, but I'm driving so I can't text."

"Irene, hi. You know you can always call me. So, what's up?"

"I was wondering, it's been a while since we last spent time together, with Elisa too, so...are you free Friday night?”

“Mh, I’ll have to check but I think so…did you already had some place in mind?”

“What about that sushi place near the sea?”

“Oh, yeah, sounds great. I’ll tell you if I have the car.”

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April 15, Friday, 19:01 (present time)

Convincing Mizuki to stay behind and let me go alone to my dinner with my best friends had been more difficult than I anticipated, but promising him to text him every hour, as I used to do with my mother, seemed to do the trick. I really needed a girls night out, even if just for a couple of hours at dinner. I had missed them a lot since we separated after high school. We succeeded to meet at least once a month, but it wasn’t always possible. Also, reminding that I was still an ordinary young girl, with an ordinary college life and not the head of a secret corporation, a member of a secret society with a dead family and strange illness and duties was surely refreshing. Sebastian always followed me from a distance, as Tomoe used to do, when I went out with my friends, but now I was alone, and I swear I couldn’t be happier, especially while driving. Driving and singing alone at night, when no one was around was one of my favourite feelings: it was scary and potentially dangerous, but it made me feel alive, adult, in control. I was craving for some time like that, and I had all the intention to relish every moment.

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April 16, Saturday, 00:36 (right after dinner, present time)

To live with my parents meant to come home early. My mum always waited for me to return before sleeping and, as a matter of filial respect, I always cut short every outing with my friends. It was annoying sometimes, but my social anxiety didn’t helped me to rebel or set different boundaries. I was hoping that when I would be able to live on my own it would’ve been different, but maybe I just didn’t want to admit that being at home was more comfortable to me. I wanted to go out, but when the time came to actually go out and face the real world I felt a knot in my throat and my chest heavier. This time though, I felt like I needed it, mostly because with Sebastian being away, I lost my recent best-way to release the stress accumulated. I left my friends back at their homes as usual and was ready to go back home when I realized…I didn’t want to. I looked at the time and decided to push another hour on my own before going home. Without thinking about it, I let the car and muscle memory guide me towards a casual destination, or at least I thought it was casual until I turned off the engine. I was at a spot in front of the airport, a place where cars often stopped and families looked at the planes’ departures and arrivals. I had witnessed a thousands of parents with their kids safely kept in their arms and pointing the sky and the planes. That mental image made me realize why I had stopped there: my recurrent dream of leaving everything behind, not saying a word to anyone, not even my parents, and live on a cliffside in Cornwall. Only my brother heard of this secret dream of mine when, after a night out just like the one I just had, he started to ask thousands of silly questions. I developed this dream after…well, it didn’t matter now, but it was a recurrent dream. I stepped out of the car and seated on the hood and looked at the clear sky above me, waiting for a plane to pass over my head. It was chilly, but I actually enjoyed the cold. Still, to avoid a fever, I took out the scarf and used it as a blanket over my coat. I heard a familiar rumbling and I recognized the plane coming, but I never saw it passing over my head because before I could see it, my right arm covered my eyes and I realized how much I was crying. Tears were falling down my eyes and annoyingly get into my ears while my sobs were shaking my whole body. I let myself crying out loud, since I was completely alone, illuminated only by the airport’s lights and enveloped in an endless and unmotivated sadness and melancholy that used to accompany me since I could remember. Cesare was the only one I had let see me in those conditions and now I was missing him more than ever. He didn’t do anything in particular, just hugged me and patted my head into his chest, but in that moment I would’ve died for the opportunity of feeling him embracing me again, even just for a moment. I pressed my hands on my eyes, trying effortlessly to stop the tears from coming down, without realizing I was almost screaming, while the iPod, left inside the car, played something that made me even more miserable, randomly choosing a song which words were a perfect explanation of my current feelings.

“Days pass by, and my eyes, they dry, and I think that I'm okay

'til I find myself in conversation, fading away.

The way you smile, the way you walk

the time you took to teach me all that you had taught,

tell me, how am I supposed to move on?

These days I'm becoming everything that I hate,

wishing you were around, but now it's too late,

my mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost.”

Hot tears spilled on my scarf as I rolled to my side. Thankfully no one was around to witness my misery or to take advantage of my defenselessness. I buried my face in that same scarf as I continued to scream out my pain, matching the background song.

“Oh, I'm a wreck without you here

yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone.

I've tried to put this all behind me,

I think I was wrecked all along

Yeah, I'm a wreck.

They say that the time will heal it, the pain will go away

but everything, it reminds me of you and it comes in waves.

The way you laugh when your shoulders shook,

the time you took to teach me all that you had taught,

tell me, how am I supposed to move on?”

I didn’t have a particular reason for crying like that, but I just did. I often felt lonely after Cesare’s death and sometimes I just couldn’t stand that pain. I didn’t have many occasions to let that sorrow out, but now it was like my body was refusing to let me go before I got to spill out all of my bottled up feelings. I started to play with the silver ring Cesare gifted me on my eighteenth birthday, the one I wore on my right index finger. When I needed to ground myself I picked up the habit of letting my thumb scroll along the ring, a simple silver band shaped as a rope. It was a reassuring gesture, nothing compared to being held again in my brother’s arms, but effective enough to remind me of the happy memories we shared.

“These days when I'm on the brink of the edge

I remember the words that you said

"Remember the life you led”.

You'd say, "Oh, suck it all up, don't get stuck in the mud

thinking of things that you should have done"

I'll see you again, my loved one.

I'll see you again, my loved one.”

I looked at the ring which was lightly shining thanks to the airport’s lights but tears blurred my vision, so all I could see was a silver unidentified mass. The rumble of another plane’s departure made me regain conscience of the world around me and so I was able to hear a voice coming from the opposite side of the street.

“Miss? Is everything…? Oh.”

I looked at that voice’s owner and I felt my lower lip tremble as my hand started to recollect the tears around my face and messing all of the remaining makeup. Of all the people, he was the last one I wished to see me at my lowest. He was crossing the road before recognizing me and, surprisingly, he decided to continue to do so and reach me instead of walking back and ignore me. It took me a minute to find the courage to mutter an answer.

“C-captain Ackerman, s-sorry, I didn’t see you there. The l-lights were blinding me and-“

“Save it. I heard you.”

My vision blurred again and his face, now lightened by the airport’s lights transformed in a pale mass without expression. I was embarrassed beyond any reason and I didn’t know how to escape it. My tears took control and started to fall again, this time though, I couldn’t emit a sound. I lowered my head, unable to do anything else: at least, I wouldn’t let him see more of the mess I was.

“Uhm…miss? I didn’t mean to…do you need help? I can contact Mey-Rin…”

I was surprised again by his behaviour. I thought he was annoyed by me crying but instead his tone showed a different emotion, something I wasn’t able to decipher but that seemed closer to indecisiveness. I answered back.

“No. No, thank you. No need. I’m fine. I’ll go back now. Good night.”

“…Good night.”

I opened the car door but when I tried to close it, I felt a resistance. I looked from where the resistance was coming and saw his hand blocking the car door, he lowered his face, now a few inches from mine, closer than ever before.

“Miss…are you sure you’re okay? You were-“

“Thank you, Captain. I’m okay.”

“Then why are you still crying?”

I tried to dry up the tears I couldn’t control and, as a result, I smudged all of my makeup on my sleeve. He offered me a handkerchief, something so unusual that made me genuinely laugh. I took it and kept it in my trembling hands while smiling; only after a few seconds I noticed his look. For the first time, he was looking at me kindly despite the discomfort he poured from all of his pores. Clearly he wasn’t used to comfort someone with words, but I didn’t even want him to. All I wanted was to be swallowed by the earth and never see him again, as he had seen me at my worst and I knew I would never be able to look into his eyes without remembering he being a witness to my casual and unjustified meltdown.

“I’m sorry, Captain. The only man I saw using this kind of cotton handkerchief is my father. There’s a light-blue one I remember being involved in a lot of embarrassing situations, like when I scraped my knees on the concrete various times, or when a cat scratched me on the wrist, or when…sorry, you shouldn’t stay here listening to my babbling.”

“Are you trying to tell me I’m old?”

“I would never dare to say so. I actually like it. That is why I can’t accept it, I’ll ruin it.”

“I’m giving this to you to clean up yourself, it’s meant to be ruined. Now, give it here, I’ll help you.”

It was the first time he had ever touched me. He took the handkerchief back from my hands and proceeded into properly drying my face and clean the makeup. His touch was gentle enough, more than I had imagined: the strong hands that held swords and killed titans were scooping under my eyes with a kindness I had never even reserved for myself. Without even thinking I placed two fingers on the back of his hand, signaling him to stop, then closed my eyes and removed my face from his sight, facing the windshield. His hand was cold and looking distractedly at the time signaled on the radio display I made a sudden decision. Where I found the courage to ask him, I’ll never know.

“Thank you. Give me the handkerchief, I’ll clean it. By the way, it’s chilly now. Do you need a lift to the villa? I’m not a perfect driver, but it’s a ten minute drive tops and it’s just a block from where I live anyway. Unless you were going somewhere-“

“I’ll accept. Mostly because I would feel guilty letting you go home alone after…”

“Please, don’t mention it again.”

“All right. I won’t, Miss.”

“And don’t call me Miss. It’s Nanami.”

“No, it’s not.”

As he closed the door of the passenger seat and we looked at each other in silence for a second. What did he meant with his last sentence? I wasn’t in the right mind to ask him directly, so I asked another question.

“Whatever. It’s going to be just ten minutes but I only drive with music, so please, bear it.”

He scoffed and faced the road in front of him, completely ignoring me enjoying his profile, almost sculpted and framed by the lights on the opposite side. I started the engine and the longest ten minutes of my life began.

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Author's note: so yeah, sorry, this is one of the longest chapter and one of my favourites. Mostly because it has a lot of different emotions and I really tried to pour all of my feelings here. So, I really really hope you've liked it. The song here mentioned never fails to make me cry, along with 'Crushed' from the same album, but I decided to include 'Wrecked' instead of the other mostly because of the lyrics, even if the sentence 'I can feel, I can feel too much' was accompaning me while writing this piece too. Anyway, I'll link it here below and I really recommend to listen to all of the album, and 'Crushed' too. You know what? I'll link them both. So, we're getting close to the end of this first course or season, whatever term you prefer, only another three chapters ahead. I hope you continue to enjoy it and you'll be kind enough to wait a bit before the start of the second course. As always, thank you for reading, see you next week!

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animehideout · 5 months

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Masterlist Update.

⚠️ A/N: For those who are interested in Wattpad kpop / Anime Long Stories, You can check my Wattpad " narae_99 " . Complete Mafia Au ( Bangchan x Reader) , Enemies to Lovers Au (Leeknow x Reader)

Jujutsu Kaisen

♡⁠˖Headcanons & Reactions˖⁠♡

• JJK Men Green and Red flags ↓

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV

• JJK Men And Their Fav Place To Do It 🔞

• JJK Men Turn-ons.

• JJK Men Kinks.

• JJK Men And Their Types Of Hugs.

• JJK Men When They Want Your Attention.

• How Would JJK Men Dress Up For Your Date

• JJK Men Pet Names For You.

• JJK Men Pick Up Lines.

• JJK Men And How They Act When They're In The Mood 🔞

• JJK Men Fav Positions 🔞

• JJK Men Soft Moments With You 🤍

• JJK Men When You Kiss Them Unexpectedly In Public 🩷

• What Songs Would JJK Men Play In BG While Doing It

• JJK Men And Things They Would Say 🔞

• Jobs JJK Men Would Have In Real Life (imo) → Part I Part II

• Types Of Kisses.

• JJK Men As Types Of Love

• Love Troops Suitable For JJK Men → Part 1 Part 2

• Teasing Toji Fushiguro

• JJK Men x Plus Size Fem¡ reader.{Requested}

• Gamer Gf Ignores JJK Men . {Requested}

• JJK X HAIKYUU MEN X READER Locked In A Room ( fluff 🍭)

• Insecure Reader X JJK Men Finding Out { Requested }

• Your MBTI, Your Relationship With JJK Characters 🆕 ALL PARTS

• JJK Men X Male¡ Reader First Kiss

• JJK Men And Types Of Women They'd Be Attracted To {Requested}

• JJK Men Perfect First Date → PART 1 PART2 PART3( coming soon..) 🆕💙

• JJK Men Period Comfort 🌸 {Requested}

• SFW Alphabets For Gojo Satoru {Requested}

• Comfort Letters From JJK Men→ Gojo.Ver

• JJK Men Proposing With A Ringpop {Requested}

• JJK Men Comforting Their S/O Who's Doubting Themselves {Requested} fluff 🍰

• JJK Men Turn-Offs {Requested}

• JJK Men Reaction To Y/N With A Tongue Piercing {Requested}

• Toji Fushiguro x INTJ { Requested }

• NSFW alphabets Gojo Satoru 🔞 {Requested}

♡⁠˖Series & Oneshots˖⁠♡

Gojo Satoru:

• Birthday Oneshot

• Love Is The Most Twisted Curse Of All [Arranged Marriage ff]: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part4 Part5 Part6 Part7 Part8

• My one and only [ Requested]

• Gojo Satoru X Dumb But Kind Reader {Requested}

• Gojo Satoru X ENTP f!reader {Requested}

Ryomen Sukuna :

• A Deal Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 Part 6 🔞⚠️

• Somnophilia [Requested] 🔞

• For Eternity (Sukuna x fem! sorcerer reader, reincarnated ver) [Requested]

Geto Suguru:

• Insecure Reader X Suguru Geto ( Angst with happy ending)

Choso Kamo:

• Battle with Choso, Fluff {Requested}

Tokyo Revengers

♡⁠˖Headcanons & Oneshots˖⁠♡

• How They Tease You For Fun.

• When You're On Your Period.

• Yandere Mikey + Yandere Kazutora ( Requested).

• When You Have A Nightmare.

• Their Fav Place To Kiss You.

• Taking Care Of Sick S/O ( Requested).

• Soft Moments With You.

• Jealous Baji Keisuke With Naive s/o ( Requested )

• First Date Part I

• First Date Part II

• When Someone Flirts With Shy S/O ( Requested).

• Reaction To S/O Similar To Nezuko ( Requested ).

• Tokyo Revengers Men Jealousy.

♡⁠˖Series & Oneshots˖⁠♡

Baji Keisuke:

My Reason ( s/o stops Baji from killing himself [Requested] )

Draken:

Toman's Little Fighter ( Fluff - Angst - Happy Ending )

Takemichi :

( Discovering S/O is a gang leader [Requested]).

Haikyuu:

♡⁠˖Headcanons & Reactions˖⁠♡

• Green And Red Flags ↓

Part I / Part II / Part III

• How They Show Affection.

• When They Realize They Have Feelings For You.

• How Would Haikyuu Men Dress Up For Your Date.

• Haikyuu Boys x fem! volleyball player 🆕✨

My Hero Academia:

♡⁠˖Headcanons & Reactions˖⁠♡

• Types Of Kisses.

• Reader Wants Cuddles.

• Night Routine With BNHA Men.

• First Kiss With BNHA men.

• Finding Out They're Gonna Have A Baby ( requested ).

• Shinso Hitoshi ( falling asleep together [Requested]).

• Asking About Tampons ( Requested ).

♡⁠˖Series & Oneshots˖⁠♡

Cursed Touch { Bakugo Katsuki x Dabi x Reader} ↓

• Whole story + Angst Ending

• Happy Ending.

Attack On Titan

Relationship Headcanonsﾉ⁠♡

Eren

Levi

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kaiisers · 2 years

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oooooo i love ur navi

ahhh thank you so much !!

#ffs I can’t believe you’re the one who wrote one of my fav eren pieces 🥴 AND I DON’T FOLLOW YOU?!?! this is a disgrace #correcting my mistake as we speak !!!

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nihaalart · 1 year

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actor eren inspired by @profangirllu ‘s ff, check it out 😋😋

you can find more on my > patreon <🤭

#nihaalart #eren #actor au #actor eren #eren jeager #eren yeager #aot actor au #aot #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin

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tenjikyu · 6 months

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why is the eren jeager tag full of smut it’s legit so damn BORING 😭 i’m going on looking for quality content and dick/pussy is SHOVED INTO MY FACE. ffs do you not want to just hold the poor dude? idk man. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SHITTY MODERN AU ISTG

#eren x reader #eren x male reader #how do y’all not get so damn bored #ALSO WHY IS IT ALL MORERN AU?? THE CANON AU IS SO GOOD??#BROOOOOO #aot x reader #attack on titan x reader #aot x male reader #petition to have everything replaced with fluff/angst/comfort and more of its canon au #we also need more x male reader content but that’s a WHOLE other rant i could go on about

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agusrkive · 3 months

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Frat!Reiner who couldn’t get over how godly you felt wrapped around him the other night, so he decided to take matters into his own hands even though you told him it was a mistake and that ‘you are dating someone else ‘ffs!’ (you quote) to which he replied, "oh, fuck Jaëger! i don’t even know what you see in that green-eyed loser.” followed by a snicker that you so fight back the urge to comment on, he is always so cocky. the arrogant smug look plastered on his face that matches his handsome features, it makes you wanna rip it off, though sometimes you can’t help but think how it suits him so perfectly. if only he wasn’t such an arrogant piece of shit, you would’ve love to be friends with him.

Even though he doesn’t know that you and Eren had already ended things weeks before you ‘accidentally’ slept with him, you didn’t tell him. actually, you didn’t tell anyone at all, except your friends of course, and a few in your circle. you had to lie to him because it’s just too much. he’s too much for you to handle right now. what you needed is a break from everything and not the captain of the football team chasing your ass like you’re a piece of meat, but then here he is at your door at 2 am in the fuckin dawn of the morning. He does not care what alibi you give him and he won’t stop until he makes you his.

soon.

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daisynik7 · 11 months

Note

could you do the most gut punching, debilitatingly soul crushing, hair pulling, tear inducing eren ff

cw: PLEASE READ - extremely heavy content and trauma warning, please proceed with caution. If you are sensitive to topics that deal with traumatic events, please avoid this. I'm being overly cautious just in case!

Author’s Note: Thank you for the request, anon. Doing my best to give you something that I consider gut punching/debilitating/tear inducing. I’m sorry for the hurt, this was a tough one to write!

It’s past midnight and you can’t sleep. You’ve been staring up at the ceiling for the past hour, eyes focused on the blank canvas above you, mind unable to shut down the way you want it to. It’s no secret: you’re thinking about Eren again. You haven’t stopped thinking about him for over a year now. And, given your unbreakable track record thus far, you never will.

You call his phone, knowing it’ll go straight to voicemail, clearing your throat as his familiar voice says, “Leave a message after the beep!” The tone rings, signaling for you to start.

“Hey. It’s me again. I know you’re probably tired of hearing my voice, but if you think that’s going to stop me, you’re wrong. I’ll keep calling until the day you pick up.” You turn to your side, resting your phone between the pillow and your ear.

“I can’t sleep. I had a shitty week at work. Levi’s been on my ass, complaining about how my desk is so unorganized. You know how he is. I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve been out of it. I don’t know. I wish you were here.” You swallow hard, trying to hold back from crying. It always leads to this, though. Tears streaming down your cheeks, soaking your pillow in sobs and snot. Eren always teased you for being such a cry baby. It’s one of the many things he loved about you.

“Annie told me I should start dating again. Let go and move on. Told me it’s for the best. Of course, I got upset at her, but I know she’s just worried about me.” You sigh, eyes beginning to water. “Do you still think about me? Because I sure as hell still think about you. All the time.”

It’s inevitable now; the crying, the rush of emotions. “I’m still so fucking mad at you for leaving that night,” you say, sniffling. “So fucking mad for not staying with me. Why did you do that, Eren? Why did you leave me?”

You sob into the phone, unable to form coherent words any longer. It takes a minute or two to collect yourself, wiping your face with the blanket, eyes puffy, nose runny. As best as you can, you continue, voice trembling. “I’m not actually angry. I promise you. I just miss you so fucking much. There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thinking of you. I see you everywhere. In my dreams, around my house, whenever I hang out with our friends. You’re always here and always there. I can’t escape you.”

The giant teddy bear he won at that state fair five years ago sits on the bed beside you. You reach out for it, holding it snug in an embrace, the phone still squeezed to your ear. “I know you’ll never listen to this, but I want you to know that I still love you. I’ve always loved you, Eren. I always will.” With that, you hang up, ending the voicemail.

It’s been over a year now since the accident. When you got the call from his parents, you were staring up at the ceiling, exactly like tonight, unable to sleep. Waiting for his call to come through, ensuring you he got home safely. You told him to stay over, but he insisted, knowing he had to be with his family the next morning to celebrate his mom’s birthday. And of course, it’s not his fault for insisting. Eren was always trying to make everybody happy. It’s not his fault for driving that night. It’s not his fault for stepping on the gas pedal when the stoplight turned green. It’s not his fault for not noticing the speeding car with its headlights turned off, driving towards him, running the red. None of it was his fault, and that’s what makes it hurt the most. He didn’t deserve this. Nobody does.

And while he’s still living and breathing, the steady heartbeat pounding in his chest, it’s almost harder than if he wasn’t. For over a year now, you’ve held onto hope that one day, he’ll wake up from his coma. That the past twelve, thirteen, fifteen months have been an unbearable nightmare, and he’ll be back to his normal self. Laughing and smiling with his cheeks rounded, the same electric joy he brings everywhere he goes. It’s that hope that drives you crazy, keeps you sinking down this unending spiral. But it’s the only thing you have left to hang on to.

It's become routine to visit him every weekend in the hospital. Sitting beside his peaceful form, stroking his hand. Throat stuck with anguish that renders you speechless. That’s why you leave the voicemails for him on his phone, the one that his mom promises to keep charged every day because she knows how important it is to you. You scoot the chair closer to him, the phone held in your grasp, playing on speaker the latest message you left for him just several hours ago. Wishing for a miracle that somehow, he’s hearing this and dreaming of you in his everlasting slumber.

Hey. It’s me again. I know you’re probably tired of hearing my voice, but if you think that’s going to stop me, you’re wrong. I’ll keep calling until the day you pick up.

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