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laundrybiscuits · 1 year

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(FINE I guess this is a series now. whatever.)

“He’s where,” says Steve.

“Off to see the wizard, my dude.” Argyle passes him a pipe. Steve’s not really sure where it came from or when Argyle packed it, but he’s got manners, so he takes a hit and hands it off to Jonathan.

“Murray,” elaborates Jonathan, on an exhale. “The…you know. Oh wow, I guess you’ve never met Murray either. That’s weird, right? I mean, you were there, you were just…”

“Babysitting, probably,” says Steve. “Wait, why is Eddie meeting this guy?”

Argyle gestures in a big loopy way. It reminds Steve a little bit of how Eddie waves his arms around. “Eddie’s on, like, a spiritual journey. A dream quest, but…real life. The realest.”

“Not spiritual like church,” adds Jonathan. “Like, gay spirit. Is that a thing? Shit, why doesn’t anyone know Murray.”

“I don’t know Murray either, man,” says Argyle.

“Is…Murray a real person?” Steve asks. He doesn’t think it’s an unreasonable question.

“Yes! Jesus. He’s real, okay? Nancy knows Murray, we—yeah. Nancy knows him.” Jonathan looks kind of dour and depressed, but he always sort of looks like that.

“How’s Nancy doing?” Steve doesn’t really want to know, but it seems like the polite thing to say.

“We’re fine,” says Jonathan.

“Okay,” says Steve, who hadn’t asked that at all.

“Everything’s fine,” Jonathan repeats. Argyle reaches over to pat Jonathan on the head, then takes the pipe from Jonathan’s hand.

———

“Hm,” says Murray. It’s hard to tell what he’s thinking behind all the facial hair and glasses. “Okay, I don’t usually do this, but…what the hell. Kiddo, you are way too young to be talking like that. Your life’s not over, and if you’re smart about it, it doesn’t have to be over any time soon.”

Murray sits back on the couch, kicking up his feet. There’s a hole in his left sock.

“You think happily ever after only looks like one thing? That’s the thought of a child. If you really want, you can make some kind of picket fence life for yourself, suburbs and all. But you’re a queer, so that means you don’t have to do that shit because nobody’s expecting you to anymore. You get to decide what matters to you.”

“I don’t know any way to be gay that’s not lonely as hell,” Eddie says.

“That’s because you’re an idiot and an infant,” says Murray gently.

“You don’t have a—a boyfriend.” It comes out a little too sharp and mean, but Eddie’s feeling cornered.

Murray laughs. “Kid, what did I just say? I don’t want a damn boyfriend. Some guy coming over here all the time, eating my food? Hell no. We’re degenerate homos, we get to decide what to keep and what to shove down the god damn garbage disposal. I got some arrangements in place, and that’s the way I like it. The whole lovey-dovey romance shit isn’t for me.”

Eddie draws his legs up, wrapping his arms around his shins. His boots are probably leaving marks on the couch, but Murray can deal. “I think it…I think that is for me. I want that to be for me. Um. In general.”

Murray actually tilts his head down to give Eddie a scathing look over the top of his glasses. “No shit, Joan Jett. Your whole ooh please push past my defenses to prove you love me schtick is visible from space.”

“Fuck,” says Eddie, knocking his head against his knees. He closes his eyes, humiliated beyond words, feeling scooped-out and awful.

“C’mon, it’s not that bad.” Eddie feels a tap on his arm, and when he looks up, Murray’s holding out a glass with about an inch of amber liquid in it. “We all go through something like that. It’s a rite of passage, just like it is to get so wasted you throw up on the stranger you dragged into a club bathroom. You’ll do that too. You’re gonna be messy and embarrassing anyway, so just enjoy the ride. And take the damn Talisker, it’ll help.”

Eddie takes the damn Talisker and knocks it back in one go, just to be an ass. Murray rolls his eyes but pours him another one.

“Ah, practical shit…” Murray scratches at his beard thoughtfully. “Been a while since I had to do this. Poppers are great, don’t overdo ‘em. Splurge on the fancy medical lube if you want but Vaseline or Crisco’ll do the trick just fine. And listen up, kitten, because you can ignore everything else that comes outta my mouth, but you can’t ignore this: always wrap it up. I mean always. I don’t care if he’s your soulmate, I don’t care if it kills the mood, I don’t care if he says he’s a blushing goddamn virgin. If he doesn’t want to wear a rubber, he doesn’t care if you live or die.”

Murray looks down at his own glass. For the first time, Eddie thinks he looks—tired.

“I know there’s probably a big part of you that doesn’t care if you live or die, either. But you gotta remember there’s people who do. The kid who sent you to me. He doesn’t want to go to your funeral.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says. It comes out too quiet; he swallows and tries again. “Yeah. I know. I’ve—been to funerals too.”

Murray barks out a surprised laugh. “God, you have, haven’t you? Think I was almost thirty, my first time. I’m sorry, Joan Jett, this isn’t a great time to be young and gay. Go make friends with some dykes, they’ll keep you sane.”

Eddie, who has held Robin’s hair back as she ralphed into a bucket after losing a Peeps-eating competition with Steve, has his doubts, but he just nods.

Murray looks at him for a moment, then takes his face between two big hands and kisses him on the forehead. It feels neither sexual nor familial, but something beyond all of the easy categories Eddie’s known.

“Now piss off,” Murray says. “Don’t get some crazy idea that this means we’re friends, or that you can start coming around whenever you feel like it.”

“So, just Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Sunday,” says Eddie, and ducks out before Murray can start cussing at him.

———

See, Eddie’s little crush on Steve is meant to be purely recreational. It’s fun to crush on unavailable guys he knows—way more fun than celebrities or whatever. It’s just nice, to feel his heart speed up a little when Steve’s around, safe in the certain knowledge that he’s never going to do a damn thing about it. It even feels good to hurt a little bit over it, achy and sharp, like pushing on a bruise.

Yeah, Eddie knows he’s a little fucked up. But he figures this is harmless enough: a secret little vice that nobody’s ever going to know about.

Apparently, everybody knows.

“Um,” says Jonathan, wide-eyed. “Was it…supposed to be a secret?”

“Yes,” hisses Eddie. “Because this is Hawkins, Indiana, and I don’t want to fucking die. Did we or did we not just have a conversation about the many and various perils this whole thing entails.”

“My dude, if you don’t want it to be, like, public knowledge, maybe don’t flirt with him so much?”

“Betrayal!” Eddie gasps, staggering around like he’s been stabbed in the back, because he fucking has. “An unjust hit by Argyle the Assassin.”

“Argyle the Assistant,” says Argyle. “I’m assisting you, bro.”

“I don’t flirt with Steve!” Eddie screeches. “We’re friends! I flirt with you two dickwads more than I do with Steve, because I don’t flirt with Steve!”

“You really do,” says Jonathan apologetically. “Kind of…a lot. Remember when we were out by the quarry, and you kept calling him princess.”

“As a joke!”

“Ohhh yeah,” says Argyle. “That was the day you, like…took his jacket, right?”

“I was cold!”

Jonathan grins. “Is that why you kept asking him how it looked on you?”

“As…a joke,” says Eddie, weakly. He’s starting to remember that it might’ve been even worse; the words do I look pretty in your clothes, Stevie may or may not have been uttered.

“Hey, man, it’s no biggie. That was a million years ago and he didn’t say anything, so you’re free and clear. Totally righteous.” Argyle throws an arm around Eddie, who curls into him sulkily. Argyle’s tall and solid and kinda hot, so it’s a real shame Eddie can’t crush on him instead.

Eddie sighs. “If Jonathan weren’t here, I’d ask you to make out with me until I felt better,” he says.

“What,” says Jonathan. “You can’t—I mean, you can, and I, uh—support you? Should I leave?”

“Aw,” says Argyle, and ruffles Eddie’s hair. “That’s sweet, dude. If Jonathan weren’t here, I would.”

“What is happening,” says Jonathan. “I’m gonna—should I leave? I’m gonna leave.”

Eddie whines, “No, c’mon, stay, we’ll do that seance. That’ll make me feel better too. Maybe we can resurrect my deceased heterosexuality.”

They don’t manage to raise any ghosts or any heterosexualities, but it does make Eddie feel a little better anyway.

#cw: reference to the AIDS crisis #fic: young man what do you wanna be #yup that's the new title. yup it's from the YMCA song by the Village People.#1) it's a gay disco standard 2) it represents the level of seriousness with which you should treat this series #I genuinely do not know if this will ever be posted on AO3 because I'm putting so little effort into making it a coherent story #instead of a vehicle for eddie + jargyle interactions #ALSO I do not actually know if pipes were super common in the 80s. I did zero research on any part of this. just go with it shhh

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inhuman-obey-me · 1 year

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Flowers for a Devil

Because Asmo didn't get an official birthday event story this year, which we think is pretty unfair as the last in the brothers' cycle, we made our own birthday story and art 😤

Asmodeus has always loved surrounding himself with flowers, but this year, he's gotten really into flower language. So as a surprise for his birthday, everyone decides to throw a flower-themed party, and they all get him different flowers that they thought would suit him!

(story and flower explanations below the cut)

SOLOMON

As Asmo insists on ringing in his birthday, Solomon finds himself dragged out clubbing the night before

But seeing as they would be out together, he figures it would be a perfect opportunity to give his pact-mate his gift right at midnight

He offers Asmo a narcissus, which earns him a little bit of an eye-roll, though he laughs it off

"Well, yes, it does mean egotism of course. But it also means 'stay sweet as you are.' Happy birthday, Asmodeus. Never change."

MAMMON

Mammon was dragged out the night before as well, though a bit more willingly, as part of Team Party People

Not quite having thought it through as much but not wanting to be outdone, he gives Asmo his flower as soon as they get home at the end of the night

His is a lovely little yellow flower, called a coreopsis

"It means 'always cheerful.' Because ya always try so hard to make everyone happy. We notice, ya know. Happy birthday, Asmo!"

BEELZEBUB

Initially, Beel had planned to wait to give his flower along with everyone else at the party, but by morning, the sweet scent of it has him worried

Not wanting to accidentally eat it during the day, he gives it to Asmo first thing at breakfast

The Avatar of Lust squeals with delight at the amethyst tones of the forget-me-not

"Happy birthday, Asmo. You're a great big brother to me and Belphie. So this is to show that I really admire you."

DIAVOLO

The young prince is so excited to give his gift that he actually gets to the party early

Once he arrives, he seeks out Asmo right away, grinning widely

He proudly hands the stalk of white delphinium blossoms to the lustful demon, and gets a smile almost just as big in return

"These are for you, Asmodeus. According to human realm traditions, these represent a happy nature. I hope you'll continue to share yours with the entire Devildom! Happy birthday!"

BARBATOS

The prince's butler, of course, comes not far behind his liege

He smiles politely at the birthday demon and hands forth the blossom he brought as well

Upon seeing the daylily in his hands, Asmo immediately takes the "coquetry" flower as license to flirt shamelessly with his fellow pact-holder

"Ah, please don't misunderstand, I'm afraid this doesn't mean I share your particular inclinations. But the meaning of it certainly reminded me of you. Happy birthday, Asmodeus."

THIRTEEN

Though she's not especially close with Asmodeus, she still decided to drop by the party

Not one to show up empty-handed, she makes sure to have a flower for him too

To be on the safe side, she chose an orchid, which he's certainly happy enough to receive

"Love and beauty is basically, like, your thing, right? So this is for you! Happy birthday!"

MEPHISTOPHELES

At Diavolo's enthusiastic invitation, Mephisto deigns to join the party and its theme

However, since he's not very fond of the brothers, he settles on gifting a sprig of candytuft to indicate his indifference

Asmodeus, however, is only familiar with its more positive meanings -- sweetness, joy, and beauty -- so he's perfectly pleased by the selection, to Mephisto's confusion

"Don't tell me you're happy about a gift like this? You lot truly are bizarre. Anyway, I'm told it's your birthday, so happy birthday."

SIMEON

Simeon is next to approach the Avatar of Lust, with both other angels following along behind

He presents the flower simply, but Asmo is immediately fascinated by the odd pink petals at its base

Having known him for a long time, Simeon thinks the lady's slipper and its meaning of capricious beauty sounded just right for his friend

"We actually wanted to get some Celestial Realm flowers for you, but we didn't get a chance to go back. Still, I thought this one would suit you well. Happy birthday!"

RAPHAEL

Raphael, having also known Asmodeus a long time but on slightly less friendly terms, is a bit more awkward about his gift as he approaches

Nonetheless, he smiles as he gives his flower, reiterating Simeon's apology for not being able to get one from the Celestial Realm

He doesn't mention the meaning of the anemone, letting his bittersweet feelings towards the former angel go unspoken -- a forsaken affection, new beginnings, and protection from evil

"Here, this is for you. I hope you like it. Happy birthday, Asmodeus."

LUKE

Luke is quivering a bit behind Simeon, though more out of shyness now than the fear he used to have towards the demon

He thrusts the stalk of little flowers forward, and yelps audibly when Asmo starts petting his head in thanks

Shouting once again that he is not a dog, he mentally reaffirms the lesser-known secondary meaning he found for the gifted white hyacinth -- "I'll pray for you"

"Um, I heard they used to call you the Jewel of the Heavens...so I got you this flower that represents loveliness. Happy birthday, Asmo!"

BELPHEGOR

Belphie is less inclined towards the outright partying, so he waits until Asmo pauses to get a drink to give his gift

He has his brattiest grin as he hands the flower over, and although Asmo rolls his eyes and tells him to stop it, he very clearly actually thinks it's cute of his youngest brother

Despite that, Belphegor had chosen the white hydrangea for him means togetherness and sincere feelings, perfect for family -- though, fittingly, it also represents vanity

"Here, a flower for the most narcissistic member of our family. Just kidding. Happy birthday, Asmo."

LEVI

Sensing his chance, Levi also takes the opportunity to present his flower to Asmo

He tries not to be too jealous of the beautiful bouquet that his brother has gathered, though the Avatar of Envy can't help but think he could never be popular enough to receive all that

But after all, his envy is equally driven by admiration, and the variegated tulip precisely represented things he admires about his brother -- his beautiful, charming eyes and his popularity and fame

"Happy birthday, Asmo! I heard about this flower from the anime I was watching last week, I Accidentally Ate A Poisonous Flower and Now I've Been Reincarnated As A Demonic Princess?!, and thought it sounded just like you. I hope you like it!"

SATAN

It's at this point that Satan realizes that almost everyone else has given their flower, and he's determined to at least beat Lucifer to it

He had studied books on flower meanings for a solid month trying to select the perfect one, and is confident he's chosen the perfect one to describe Asmo

Though the citron flower he gives means "ill-natured" beauty, he hands it over with begrudging affection, which his brother immediately teases him for

"Argh, this kind of thing is exactly why I chose this! But it does mean beauty as well, just like you. Happy birthday, Asmo."

LUCIFER

As the party winds down, Asmo has a pretty sizeable bouquet in hand, and he's excited to show it off to his eldest brother before they head home

As he does so, he looks expectantly at Lucifer, who just smirks, because of course he has a flower ready too

He gives Asmo an alyssum, which the younger brother is familiar with but looks at with some confusion -- worth beyond beauty?

"It means exactly what you think it does, yes. Remember that in this next year. Happy birthday, Asmo."

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