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shippingfangirl013 · 1 year

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Stranger Things S5 Conglomerate Twelvegate Theory (Part 1):

Because I have no clue what to call this and it’s basically a massive convergence of all the gates/theories into one?

@chirpsythismorning and I had to solve Twelvegate to figure out the rest and… I think we stumbled across the answer just off of rambling… and playing ping-pong with ideas…

This also heavily pulls from Stranger Things parallels to Back to The Future Parts I & II (because re-watching my favorite trilogy helped me to figure out the timeline for Stranger Things).

If you do NOT want spoilers for S5, I suggest you do not read any further.

Because… this is… a doozy. And likely has some MAJOR spoilers, we’re just good at playing detective and dedicating a little too much time to this show.

———————————————————

First, we have to go back to season 1. . .

So, when we first meet the original four kids in the Party, they’re playing D&D. Will knows that he has to roll a 13 or higher here. Will is under the steps, crawling to find the d20.

This is the ORIGINAL timeline. We don’t know much more about the timeline other than seeing 2 minutes into the show. Will is still 12 years old and has a watch on, but we never get a close-up of the watch.

We’ve got a pizza one box, and two regular Coca-Cola cans… okay? Keep that in mind, it’s important later on.

When the Tv flickers, that’s Vecna using his power, likely to alter memories or the timeline/reality itself.

Right after this instance?

We get this scene:

Now, why would Will go from knowing that a 13 counts and is high enough to take out the Demogorgon, to asking if a 7 is high enough? If a 7 counts, right after the TV flickers?

Also, notice that Will is standing framed with the two coke cans and pizza one box behind him. That yellow and blue pen is important too.

(I play D&D, most times, anything below a 13 or 14 is a bad roll and you take a lot of damage. It all depends on if your Dungeon Master wants to be forgiving or not. )

So, the first 3 minutes of season 1, is the original timeline (Timeline A) differentiating/being altered; I say this because, we don’t know anything about that point in time aside from our main Party playing D&D in Mike’s basement.

A key factor here that Jo mentioned while we were talking, is that we don’t see Hopper, Joyce, Lonnie, or Jonathan during the scene in Mike’s basement. We only see Will, Mike, Lucas, Dustin, and briefly, Karen.

Timeline A is altered at 8:15 pm on November 6, 1983.

Each point after the TV flickers is a part of Timeline B. But I think Will actually cast protection on the extended party; El, Max, Lucas, Dustin, Mike, Jonathan, Joyce, Hopper, possibly Murray, and maybe on the others’ families.

But Timeline B was Henry altering the timeline, creating a new reality for our cast of characters. (Putting them in a silly little play, perhaps?) Henry stole Will's powers when Will was kidnapped; but what powers could Will have that Henry needs to re-shape the world?

Time-altering powers and creation powers.

Here's the thing, Henry can manipulate what others see, he can manipulate and alter memories, and it is very likely he was able to take Will's time-altering powers while Will was trapped in the Upside Down. Henry is easily able to use time travel powers to his advantage.

But. . . Henry CAN'T create something out of nothing; as evidenced by his using others' memories to make them see what they fear. He can re-shape the particles that made up the Mind Flayer, however, Henry cannot create to the extent that Will (an artist!) is able to. This is how Will is able to do things like cast Fog Cloud in S2. In S1, Will's True Sight is used.

(I'll come back to this later, because this is literally going to be like a 10-part theory, which may literally just be 100% spoilers)

Timeline B is an altered reality; Henry gave our cast of characters new roles to play. Not just anyone though, primarily: Joyce, Jonathan, Will, El, Hopper, Terry, Sarah, and Diane.

(You may be wondering why I mentioned Sarah, Diane, and Terry; I'll get to that in a bit, if not in this one, then in part 2.)

Joyce is the ex-wife of Lonnie Byers and she is Will and Jonathan's mom. Hopper is the small-town police chief who moved back to Hawkins after his divorce from Diane, and the loss of his daughter Sarah. Terry Ives is El's mama, and Eleven is the girl with powers that escaped from Hawkins Lab. Basically, the events of S1 equate to an altered timeline, or therefore, are the repercussions of an altered timeline.

Timeline A still exists after the original event that alters Timeline A to create the altered reality in Timeline B.

The event that alters Timeline A is an occurrence on the day of Will and El's birth. Henry swaps the families of Joyce and Hopper's twins.

Henry went back in time after taking Will's powers in S1, to alter the timeline, by swapping El and Will at birth in the hospital, so that Will and El (011 & 012) grew up together in the lab, never knowing that they are twins. Will grows up with Lonnie Byers as his father, El grows up in the lab, and Hopper lives in New York for seven years and has a family with Diane. Henry alters Terry Ives' memories and scrambles the signals in her brain via Brenner.

In this altered timeline that is Timeline B, El was taken by the lab at birth, and El's Mama is Terry Ives. Will's mom stays the same, but his father (and Jonathan's father) is changed to Lonnie Byers.

In Timeline A, El was kidnapped first in 1976, and Will was taken second in 1978.

In 1976, there was a drowning at Sattler's Quarry. Seven years prior to 1983; now, for a while, I thought that might be Will, but that didn't add up.

El was taken first at five years old, by the lab. . . on her first day of kindergarten. . . which is why Mike found Will alone and scared on the swing set. El's disappearance was covered up as a drowning in the quarry in 1976. This is why El is paralleled with Maria from Frankenstein (1931) in season 1, with Nancy's pink dress, because Maria drowns in a lake after trying to play a game with Frankenstein's monster.

Now, Will was also kidnapped and taken to the lab in Timeline A, but this gets a little harder to figure out how Will got there in the first place. I think Lonnie has something to do with it, because there are one too many instances of Will being paired with trunks, and we see Jonathan check for Will in Lonnie's Oldsmobile in season 1. However, I'm not 100% certain about that and I will update this if I find anything that changes my thoughts on that.

I know that Will had to have been taken to the lab around 1978, at the age of 7, if he and El were not taken at the same time in 1976. This means, that Will's kidnapping was covered up as a death, (maybe a death from a fatal illness?) that was then altered by a character with the ability to fabricate fake memories. . . shifting the death of a son, to that of a daughter. Sarah's death is the cover-up for Will being taken.

Jonathan doesn't remember much of this either, he would have been 8 years old when El was kidnapped, and 10 years old when Will was kidnapped; if we go off of El being taken at the age of 5 and Will being taken at the age of 7.

1978 is an important year in Timeline A. This is because in Timeline B, it is the year that:

Lonnie took Jonathan hunting at 10 years old

Terry was electrocuted/had her signals scrambled

Sarah dies

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -

Another thing that I need to address, is Hopper's role in Timeline B.

In 1983, when Hopper calls Diane, he’s wearing his blue flannel… just like how Max’s mom wore a blue flannel in S4…

(I have seen almost every character in the Byers-Hopper family in a BLUE FLANNEL, the only one I haven’t found in a blue flannel (without a jacket over it) is Jonathan.)

But, we see Hopper calling Diane, and then we hear a baby crying in the background. We assume that after 7 years she has moved on… but what if this woman was never Hopper’s “Diane” anyways?

We KNOW that the phones are important. We also know that the lab/Russian government are always listening in on phone calls- since season 1! So, this “Diane” woman that Hopper called was someone from the lab or someone trying to keep the truth from spreading.

Because, I went back to S3, and found this:

This is the only line that says [Diane] in the closed captions. I’ve looked through a few other shots, and the only other shot similar to this is when Hopper is watching Magnum P.I. and a little text comes up saying that the show is playing. They usually do not specify which character is talking in the tv shows with brackets - it just shows the dialogue on screen.

Hopper got incredibly drunk that evening, but the point I’m making here, is that Joyce is Diane.

Hopper’s wife, Diane.

(He never says ex-wife in season 4. He says: “My wife Diane, she wanted a baby,” )

So. . . This means that Henry has had a hand in every little kettle he could get his hands on after he nabbed Will’s time powers.

I doubt that Hopper going to Vietnam was influenced by Henry in any way, but I know that everything else we are shown is influenced by him.

I was trying to piece this all together, and after going through and making a timeline, I think I’ve got how it all lays out - at the very least, I know where the timeline that was altered. At most, I think I have a large surprise that will come up in S5 pinned down.

My focus when pinning the timeline down, was actually on Hopper and Jonathan.

In S1, Joyce tells Lonnie that Jonathan has wanted to go to NYU since he was 6 years old. Now, Jonathan would have been 6 years old in 1974, because he was born in 1968.

I couldn’t figure out why Jonathan would want to go to NYU unless:

- his parent(s) went there / one of his parents went there / something happened to make him want to go to NYU.

NYU is such a specific school, and it is mentioned once in S1, then rarely brought up again. Even in S4, Jonathan was just planning to go to the same college as Nancy, if he was accepted.

It made me think about how Hopper was in NY for seven years. . . And it took me a while to figure this out.

So, Hopper goes off to fight in the Vietnam War when he is 18. The Vietnam War goes on from 1955-1975. This means that Hopper was in Vietnam possibly from 1960 to 1970 at the latest. However, according to the ST Wiki, Hopper met Diane in 1965. . . (I am taking this with a grain of salt), because if this is the case, then Hopper could have been in Vietnam at any point in time between 1960 (when he was 18) to 1970.

But if you do the math from when Sarah was born, if Hopper met Diane in 1965 (and they began dating that year), and Sarah was born in 1971, then Hopper only knew Diane for five years before Sarah was born. Now, we know that Sarah dies in 1978, from cancer. . . and from that 1983 phone call to Diane (counting backward 7 years), Hopper would have been in NY from 1976 to 1983. . .

Another thing is, in Season 1, Hopper says that he has been in Hawkins for 4 years from the point that we meet him in 1983.

1983 - 4 is 1979 -> the year of the Hawkins Lab Massacre. . . so, why would Hopper (as a police officer) not know about that? I know, the lab is secretive and whatnot, but you would assume in an emergency situation, they might call in backup.

1979 is also the year that Mike, Will, Lucas, and Dustin had their Elder Tree campaign. . . (and I'm not quite sure if Will was there depending on the timeline and how things may have worked out).

And then I started to question just how much inspiration could have been taken from Back To The Future?

The Answer? Quite a bit of inspiration was taken from Back to The Future.

Marty's family is made up of his parents (George & Lorraine), his older brother (Dave), his older sister (Linda), and himself (Marty).

This is apparently an important enough movie for the Stranger Things plot that it is heavily referenced with wardrobes and it is even shown on the big screen in S3. (There is more significance here, but I'll explore that in a later part).

At the beginning of the scripting process for Back to The Future Part II, the creators were thinking of having the roles of Marty McFly Jr. and Marlene McFly set as Twins.

And in S4 of ST, we can see quite a bit of twin imagery throughout the season, in reference to Will and El. (again, I will post more in a later analysis, I don't want this to get too long).

If we go off of the basis that Henry/Vecna/001 stole Will's time powers, then we can assume that the second timeline that was generated from the changing of a fixed point in time (an origin event - in this case), changed other things throughout the seasons in Stranger Things.

Think about it, Henry could have easily gone back in time and replaced Hopper (being Jonathan, Will, and El's father) with Lonnie.

He could have manipulated Joyce, Hopper, and Jonathan's memories if the memories were STILL left AFTER the timeline was altered, making them forget that their family of 5 had ever existed in the first place. Swapped Will and El at birth, putting them in the lab or arranging for them to be taken by Brenner, and then, he could have later helped Will escape the lab massacre. . .

One last thing to address;

The Mind Flayer and why Will was possessed in the first place. . .

If Henry cannot create, then he needs Will alive to utilize that power. Henry may not have been strong enough on his own to manipulate Will into doing his bidding, but working with the Mind Flayer to get what he wants?

Therefore activating Will as the spy, taking El out of the way by using a distraction (making her focus on Max? Knowing that her weakness is the people she cares about - because he's already done this once before with the Lab Massacre by killing the other lab kids?), and getting what he wants?

The Mind Flayer literally looks like the strings attached to a hand for a wooden string puppet. . . (think Pinocchio if you need a visual)

The Mind Flayer possessed Will so that Henry/Vecna/001 could manipulate and bend the final puzzle piece to his will.

(and that's why, I think in S5, we're going in with a bang... because I think that El and Will have been Vecna'd in S4; they have been falling into Henry's traps since S1.) (I'll explain more of this in Part 2 or 3 because again, this is super complex and took me about a month or longer to compile all of the evidence)

So, in short, Henry/Vecna/001 truly has been moving our characters on the board like chess pieces. . .

(this is going to have like 3 parts explaining the theory itself and then like 20 posts of evidence all linked under a masterlist once I have the time to set that up.)

#stranger things 4 #stranger things 5 #stranger things theories #willel #wonder twins #twelvegate #stranger things #will byers #will byers has powers #eleven hopper #el jane hopper

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jinlias · 2 years

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can i request angst prompts #8, #23 and #39 for momo?

she walks in at 10:03 pm. you’ve been waiting for her for three hours. one at the restaurant. two at home. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i swear i tried to leave earlier and-“ you watch her ramble on as you peacefully sip on a glass of water. at some point her rambling becomes inaudible and you just observe her walk over to you, trying to kiss you but only landing on your cheek when you turn your face from her. “baby.”

“what, momo? why do you always act like i’m supposed to welcome you with open arms”

“i apologized” she sighs, turning her head to the side.

“okay. how many times am i supposed to forgive you?” you shrug and place the glass on the counter. “look at me, momo” when she doesn’t, you take her jaw in your hands and turn her in your direction. “look at me. i’m in my pijamas, i took off my makeup. i even ate dinner already. that’s how long you took to show up.”

“i’m sorry.” she sighs again.

“no, you’re not” you shake your head. “at this point those words mean nothing coming from you”

“we can’t afford to do this anymore.” she turns around and walks away to the other corner of the kitchen, leaning against the counter and crossing her arms, mirroring you.

“we?” you scoff “this is all you momo. you’re the one who can’t have her priorities straight.”

“excuse me? it was a make or break opportunity for my career- i- i-“

“oh please.” sighs when you roll your eyes “is your image really more important than us?”

momo faces the floor. and for you, that was enough. tears finally start to well in your eyes, and you sniffle when lifting your body from the counter, getting ready to kick her out, but what she had to say was much worse.

“you can’t live off love y/n” the older shrugs as if the words coming out of her mouth hadn’t just single handedly tore your heart to pieces. you cannot believe you wasted three years of your life thinking this relationship had a future. she watches you scoff with watery eyes, the tears finally falling.

“get out” she stands there, somewhat shocked as if she hadn’t just been straight up cruel. because she doesn’t move, you do, taking her coat from the rack she had hung it on as soon as she got home, next you take her back, both items bunched up in your hands when you shove them into her chest. “leave. we’re done.”

#momo imagines #momo imagine #momo x reader #momo angst #twice angst #twice blurb #twice imagines #twice imagine #mmj

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poet-shimmer · 1 year

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* rp rules.

fandom:

undertale + alternate universes (only)

requirements:

please be capable of proper grammar, punctuation, and multiple paragraphs (15+ lines). my ideal preferred length, for reference, is a message that reaches the sign limit of a discord message.

provide an rp example of yours so i can get an idea of your writing style. really, enjoying my partner's style matters more to me than the length. when i can really tell you're an eloquent, passionate writer.

be 18+. because of my own age, preference for a mature partner and dark themes. don't lie about that. please.

i have a bit of a 'funny' rule regarding ocs. i will only accept other canon characters (more about that below) *unless* you have an oc you'd like to pair up with swap!sans. even then, i won't accept just about any oc. thanks for understanding.

third person only.

be open to canon-divergence/headcanons. i very much enjoy hcs, and i tend to twist canon facts in favor of an interesting storyline.

*be active*. be capable of multiple answers a week at least.

communicate. i am very patient and forgiving with my partners, but if i constantly have to second guess if you're busy or bored with what's going on i might just cut ties for my own sake.

please, please, please don't let me carry the plot. someone who knows what they want in a plot and brings ideas would be so great.

tell me your triggers.

ooc chatter isn't a must per se, but it means a lot to me. it usually raises the fun and activity! dry ooc talk really affects my mood honestly.

playlists, moodboards and rambles/hcs based on the characters/plot? umm, yes please?? again, not a must, but *so* appreciated.

about the user:

call me rose!

they/them

above 18

CET timezone

10+ years of experience

can mirror replies with little effort

needs a plot

highly prefers discord as a platform

discomforts/pet peeves:

venting without permission

people who easily lose interest

triggers will be disclosed in private

yes men. please don't just say "i don't know" or "you choose" or "whatever you want!" all the time.

character information:

✅ will do:

favs

✒ ink

main!

lots of experience, lots of hcs

☀️ dream

secondary main

a bit of experience, a good bunch of hcs

🌊 swap

NOT blueberry

OC ship friendly! (only him)

🌑 nightmare

zero experience so far, but very familiar with the character and willing to try!

🗨 classic

☠ reaper

others

anybody who isn't on my 'won't do' list, really! especially if they're from classic undertale. toriel, alphys, undyne, papyrus... you name em!

❌ won't do:

any rps involving characters from...

underlust

underfell

glitchtale

x-tale

(+ any alternate universes of them. the story of underverse is not at all canon to my ideas. it's totally fine to like any of those! i just don't.)

ship information:

✅ will do:

any crack- or rareship you can think about. i'm serious. whether it's romantic or platonic (and always legal ya sickos). i wanna bring characters together most people wouldn't, discover fun dynamics!!

examples:

ink and classic

nightmare and reaper

swap and swap!napstablook

(those are still kinda tame, but you get the idea!)

popular ships are fine too! they just don't tickle my fancy as much.

❌ won't do:

romantic ships involving fresh, frisk, chara, asriel or monster kid

incest

important notes:

if you read and understood all of those, then please include this smiley [🫖] somewhere in your comment/pm.

do not comment on this post! i have a pinned message for you to interact with if interested. like it or comment and i'll contact you. (or just go ahead and contact me-)

(current) cravings:

i would give anything for a good drink (ink x dream) rp. really. so if you're an enthusiastic dream rper hmu as soon as possible, i b e g-

aside from that, i look forward to playing ink, dream or classic sans against any other possible character the most currently!

#undertale rp #undertale au rp #rp rules

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234df6sdk5y · 1 year

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myyy friend has been having me watch tri//gun stam//pede and as new episodes come out (keep in mind having not watched the original, but i will), i have thoughts so im gonna copy + paste my brain dump here for reference but like, keep in mind this is just my scattered rambling, not coherent or complete thoughts, kinda got threads going in directions,,

i think the emotional implications of the series are really interesting bc its what is essentially two demigods duking it out and humanity is collateral Nai hates humans and wants to separate Vash from them by destroying all of them probably bc in his own fucked up way, Vash is the only thing he can connect the concept of love to, and keep in mind I say concept of love, not actual love. like he's an independent so he feels sympathy for plants and thinks he and Vash should be in control because in his own way he thinks he is doing the right thing, humans are hateful, violent, destroy and harm themselves and others, never seem to learn from their mistakes, but what Nai doesn't understand is that he's no better in his decision that he gets to decide what is best for an entire civilization and he in a lot of ways perpetuated the problem, under this guise of getting Vash on his side. Vash on the other hand seems lost in who he is, because he has more in common with humans than Nai yet cannot fully integrate into being one and relate to them (wow i relate), yet he feels this unconditional love for them that drives him to want to protect them and see them not hurt each other, like he doesn't even take sides because he just wants them to realize they aren't each other's enemy, no one has to be each other's enemy. But it feels so futile because while they squabble about things that do not matter, Nai is also destroying them in front of Vash who feels powerless to stop it yet just wants to help. Nai realizing that taking the people Vash loves away from him won't make him trust Nai or take his side, Nai's way of thinking is so childish, like "if i take away Vash's toys he'll play with me" logic. But what he fails to understand is it won't work that way because humans aren't toys or a lesser lifeform to Vash, he loves them, faults and everything.

[8:09 PM]Idk where i'm going with this but

[8:09 PM]there's a lot to unpack there

[8:10 PM]Nai doesn't seem to understand love as a concept, and his obsession with Vash is the closest thing he can connect it to. Maybe he does love Vash but it's not an unconditional love that respects him for who he is and lets like, a seed grow into a flower, but one that tries to suffocate and control. And Nai feels like the only way he can get Vash to see things his way now is to wipe his memories because destroying Vash's "toys" didn't work

[8:11 PM]I can understand how Nai feels about humans but his decisions and expressions are, extremely, wrong, so deeply wrong i don't think i need to explain how

[8:11 PM]But Nai really thinks he is a good person doing the right thing

[8:11 PM]even the implied sexual assault/rape is like, in his own misguided mind, he is doing something good for plants and liberating them from humans and getting Vash back by wiping his memories

[8:12 PM]Like Nai really thinks he is the good guy here because he sees humans as an evil that needs to be burned out

[8:12 PM]and plants as victims

[8:12 PM]and so a little collateral doesn't matter to him if it means ultimately "saving" his own species

[8:14 PM]Vash on the other hand in his need to not want to hurt anyone, and trying to see the good in everyone, has let more harm befall those around him because he doesn't want to cause harm to prevent harm, which i get his position its like, it feels like no decision he makes is good and he also feels responsible for everyone's suffering because all these actions happen because he refuses to stop loving humanity unconditionally despite how much harm they've caused, he refuses to judge them as a collective for past harm, in a lot of ways he has forgiven them and just wants to see them grow into better versions of themselves and so has no bone in his body that wants to punish anyone even if they've caused deep harm to others

Honestly I wonder if Vash is meant to parallel Nai in like, his inability to want to fight against even the forces causing harm, he perpetuates/enables a cycle in the way Nai feels his decision is correct also

[8:16 PM]uh hard to put into words

[8:16 PM]but they are lke

[8:16 PM]like

[8:16 PM]two sides of the same coin

[8:16 PM]but also i don't feel like Vash being a more violent person or deciding some people deserve harm is the answer either

[8:17 PM]bc I rly get his pacifist stance

[8:18 PM]But yeah there's a TON to unpack about Nai and Vash's individual stances on morality and what is right and also the way they are both opposites and mirrors of each other

[8:19 PM]In a lot of religious/spiritual and enlightened teachings its said the most radical form of unconditional love is forgiveness

[8:19 PM]and so I think about that reflected in Vash

like he is unconditional love in its purest form

[8:20 PM]Nai on the other hand is like, the way humanity perceives love, as something you can force/control/dominate, deciding who deserves it and who doesn't. Like how Nai loves Vash by trying to exert ownership and control over him, it's like, funny bc despite how much he hates humans, he is behaving exactly like them, from a place of low consciousness.

[8:21 PM]really, much 2 think about

[8:21 PM]because ive been mulling these morals over irl actually for the last months or so

[8:21 PM]basically in our actual reality, we are in a love/fear based duality

[8:21 PM]action guided by fear disguised as love is Nai

[8:21 PM]action guided by unconditional love is Vash

in a lot of ways, Vash is like religious figures like Jesus, up on the cross and people full of fear and hatred and he still forgives

[8:23 PM]Nai can be compared to religious figures who use religion to control, Gods who want to be worshipped

[8:23 PM]but this is

[8:23 PM]not what the Universe truly wants

[8:23 PM]um

[8:23 PM]im kinda

[8:23 PM]getting beyond the point but the parallels and palatable

#talks #i have zero desire to share my takes with a fandom bc i cannot deal with people anymore #but #yknow how it is

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archetypal-archivist · 2 years

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Rant incoming- me being upset with myself and my poor self-care. May delete this later, idk. Seriously, long and ramble-y.

Can I just say how pissed off and annoyed I am that I once again fucked up my body? Seriously, again. It’s so dumb, especially since it’s not really in the “this is immediately concerning, get to a doctor” way, and it’s not a self-harm way, and it’s definitely not a “this was intentional” way.

I just didn’t eat enough. Or sleep enough. Or the right amounts. Or at the right time. And not because I set out to do that, but simply because I got so caught up in other things and I just didn’t care enough to pay attention beyond a “Huh. I’m fucked up,” several days too late.

Again, it’s so dumb. See, somehow I’ve gotten to the point where I’m headachy all too often, I get cold and sleepy after eating anything at all, I don’t feel hungry most of the time, and I’m sleeping but it’s from 8 or 9 am to 5 pm. I stay up too late so I go to sleep at a weird hour and my schedule is forgiving enough to just let me. I eat at a weird hour because it’s been nearly 18 since I ate last and that was a piece of brioche bread and some water and now I’m starving. Or it’s dinnertime, but I’m not feeling hungry and I want to finish this piece of homework so I just choose not to eat and then I look up and it’s 3 am.

And now all the effects of that are slamming me all at once at a time when I need to be on normal human-person time, and it’s incredibly frustrating because there’s no way to speed run recovering from this without a very unhealthy hard reset. I know this, because this has happened before. A lot.

This exact damn pattern happens over and over again and it’s never intentional- it’s just that I don’t care enough about myself and what my body and common sense tell me. I know exactly what I need to do to live a normal, healthy life with good habits and yet I consistently don’t because changing myself takes effort. Or even when it doesn’t take effort, even when I have done a hard reset- haven’t slept in so long that I crash at 10 pm and sleep until 9 am, skipped dinner because I was sleepy and now I want breakfast... Even then it’s all too easy to fall back into poor habits because I like being nocturnal. I like playing games for hours on end, because the enjoyment I get from that outweighs how nice it feels to eat.

That’s not to say I’m not careful of course. I’ve never fainted, or fallen asleep somewhere dangerous. The meals I do eat are carefully proportioned and balanced to include all the food groups and nutrients I need. I’m not malnourished, I’m simply not eating enough. I am fully functional as a person, but I’m often operating at half-capacity for so long that I mistake it for full capacity. In all honesty, I have no idea what I can do when well-rested, well-fed, and with a healthy schedule that lasts longer than two weeks because I haven’t been that way in ages.

Do you know? I’ve accidentally skipped meals to the point where I’ve made myself nauseous. I know how to coax food into a starving body and what’s safe to eat when you don’t feel up to eating because I have been there. I have felt cold and shivery all too often because I’m low on calories, and right now, as soon as I eat after a solid 20 hours with nothing but water, instant noodles, and fruit in the middle, I feel a burst of aching cold and exhaustion.

It’s so dumb. I know why it’s happening. I know exactly what got me to this point. And yet it feels so stupid because I ought to be better than this, my body should know better than to throw a fit, because it’s been here before and every time I’ve bounced back. I dunno, just. I feel bad. I feel bad right now and it sucks and I hate it and I’m frustrated.

Because guess what? I know this is going to happen it the future. I know I’m going to be right back here because “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is something very real in an awful way. And every time this happens, I get a little more used to feeling this way and thus the alarm signals start blaring a little later than they did before- or I don’t “feel bad enough” to stop and actually start self-caring it up. Because if I felt so awful last time and made it through unscathed, then surely I don’t need to stop and hard reset just yet, right?

Just. Uggghhhhh. And once again, I know how bad all of this is. I am well aware that this will have long term, invisible consequences in the future. I’m not stupid, I know what I’m getting into. I just can’t convince myself to care. As BBC Sherlock often called it, “it’s just transport.” The body is a thing that gets you from one place to another and suitable determination and an ability to ignore what it tells you allows you to push it a lot farther than one might think.

Again- none of this is intentional self harm. I’m not happy that I live like this. I’m not happy that I can’t bring myself to care- to put the effort in. I’ve done therapy for this stuff and the general response was “Either fix the problem or live with it. So long as the system you have works for you, and you don’t feel inclined to put in the effort to change it, the best thing you can do for your mental health is to stop beating yourself up over it.”

And yes, that’s wise. That’s more or less where I’ve settled right now. But I’m also acutely aware that there will be a point in time where I push myself too hard, too far, and things just collapse in on themselves. It’s simply not sustainable and there’s a ton of problems that come with how I live. And yet at the same time, I’m generally functional as a person and I’ve yet to damage myself on the short term enough to need immediate intervention.

In short... situation’s fucked, y’all.

#my life

0 notes

tarosin · 3 years

Text

the great adventures of y/n, tommy, wilbur and phil

requested: yes/no

an: part 7 of the great adventures series - a rollercoaster of emotions

warnings: cursing, jokes about death (like the vlog) , didn’t proof read as its 6am sorry for any mistakes

it had been around a week since you last spoke to tubbo, the pair of you got into a heated argument and honestly you didn’t want to be anywhere near the boy. no one heard from you since you and tubbo blocked each other, ranboo would talk to you about how you need to forgive and forget and Tommy would do the same to tubbo eventually you unblocked each other however apart from that it was pretty much useless neither of you were willing to talk to the other person, it was just one of those things that needed time, soon enough you’d be friends again. at least you hoped that would be the case. later that day Wilbur sent you a message asking what time he should pick you up tomorrow not wanting to argue you let him know a time and went off to get ready for the night.

The car ride to Alton towers was pretty quiet the majority of the ride was spent playing random car games like eye spy or singing along to the radio as there was no traffic you got there rather quickly giving you longer in the park. you loved theme parks and Tommy knew this so he took the opportunity to invite you and get you out of the house, he also knew he would need the support. Phil began recording as you all made your way through the park the sky car was first so you could get to the other half of the park Tommy made it pretty clear he wasn’t the biggest fan of this and you and Wilbur didn’t help his cause by discussing the recent crash in Italy that killed a group of people, you pointed out all the rides you passed teasing Tommy whilst Wilbur interviewed him on why he wanted to hit 10 million subs, as soon as Tommy mentioned the girl from college your eyes widened and you sat trying not to laugh as Wilbur and Phil sat telling him to call her. Tommy looked at you trying to get back up but you responded by telling him you want to speak to her.

once off the sky car you stood with an arm around Tommy's shoulders as Wilbur spoke to the girl who you’re hoping is in on it and that they’re not calling up the poor girl unexpectedly. as soon as you were informed that her favourite ride was the smiler Tommy pulled you into a hug hiding his face in the crook of your neck

“Are you serious”

“you’ll be fine it’s the safest ride here...if you ignore the crash”

“y/nnnnn”

the four of you walked around the park looking for an easy rollercoaster as you make your way up to the smiler, the blade caught Wilbur's eye so the three of you made your way whilst Phil decided to stay back to record, you sat next to Tommy reassuring him that he’s going to be fine and how it can’t be that bad as a family with a young child got on the ride after you.

“if I pee myself will you laugh at me”

“yes..actually that’ll make it easier for me”

“Please don’t do that Wilbur”

“only for you y/n”

the ride started slowly however the speed soon picked up you sat laughing as Tommy went on to make references about technoblade and how he’s never going to die. soon enough the three of you began ‘singing’ the lyrics to road trip in an attempt to calm down a little bit. was it working? no. a few minutes later the ride came to an end as you made your way off of the ride you heard a child screaming about how fun it was

“awe”

“how is that six-year-old shouting I loved it”

“are we cowards”

“yes, yes you are”

you made it to Phil first and rambled on about how fun it was before Wilbur and Tommy made it to you both wanting to go home

on your journey to the next ride, Tommy pointed out claw machines and dragged you to them, Phil had a go first and didn’t win the dog Tommy wanted, you had a go determined to win however like Phil you didn’t win

“This is bullshit ill buy you a toy dog”

“Why are you never satisfied”

“Good question”

you walked away from the machines with the others Tommy complained that he was being forced to go on the rides, you pointed at the smiler and Wilbur announced you could all go on that now, the rest of the walk was pretty quiet after that. soon enough you were in the queue to go on duel, you were walking with Phil not realising that Wilbur was currently telling your best friend that he was going to die, the only reason you found out was because Tommy ran up to you asking if he was going to die

“Tommy, no who told you that... Wilbur stop laughing it’s not- it’s not funny”

“y/n you’re quite literally laughing”

you put your finger on your lips and walked off. you sat with Phil so you could have a break from Tommy screaming in your ear as soon as Tommy yelled there were guns the ride began, you weren’t the best at this ride you missed the target a few too many times than you’d like to admit, once the ride was over Tommy made the mistake of laughing about how low your score was you made eye contact with Tommy and placed your hand on his shoulder

“Tommy... you screamed at everything the entire way around. if that ride was any longer i’m afraid I’d lose my hearing”

“didn’t you also do shit Tommy”

“fuck off”

and with that you left the ride walking through the gift shop, you and Tommy were like little children picking up anything that was covered in bright colours, you and Tommy found a squishy monster and named it Clarence you ended up getting attached and Wilbur stayed with you as you paid for it whilst Phil and Tommy were leaving the shop

“Phil we lost y/n and Wilbur”

“sorry y/n got distracted”

you all continued walking to the next ride Tommy instantly got distracted by the dryer outside of the river rapids ride and spent a good few minutes asking to go into the dryer. at this point, you noticed another toy shop and ran off to that one whilst they argued with Tommy about the dryer a few minutes later you met up with them again as you began making your way to the next ride

“what I hate the most about Phil is his kindness”

“wasn’t kind enough to let me win on duel”

“I pray on his downfall”

Phil turned to you only to be met with you nodding as Tommy goes on to talk about hating his generosity

“Phil I've been thinking about you... it’s ruined my day”

“mine was ruined by Tommy screaming at stupid o clock in the morning”

“y/n it’s 12 pm”

“okay and I usually wake up at 3 pm this is early for me”

you stood in the queue for river rapids, as much as you wanted to make Tommy calm down you hated this ride and Wilbur saying there was a chance of drowning made you hate it even more

“y/n will we be fine”

“no this is horrifying I remember the incident where someone was dragged under a ride like this”

“Y/N”

“what are you two thinking about then”

“I’m thinking about the beyond”

“I’m thinking about the sweet release of death”

“you might be going there”

“no, we won’t”

you and Tommy began to panic as you got closer to the ride, Tommy announced the floor was moving which tricked your brain into believing that the floor was moving, Wilbur was still talking about you all dying in a few minutes whilst laughing at Phil trying to make him stop despite the fact he was clearly laughing. Tommy got on first as you were making your way to a seat Tommy pulled you over to him so you were sat together. a worker came over and told you all to keep your seat during the ride

“can I get off”

as soon as you finished your sentence the ride began to move making the others laugh

“ill take that as a no”

a few minutes later you forgot you were scared as you were too busy laughing about the fact that so far out of the four of you the only person getting drenched in water was Phil. this newfound confidence didn't last long the ride began going faster and you and Tommy got drenched in water

“We made it through the second most dangerous part”

“heh...”

you looked at Phil tilting your head waiting for him to confirm that Wilbur was just trying to scare you again. your thoughts were interrupted by Wilbur beginning to speak to the camera

“Alton towers is a very safe and risk-free theme park fun for all the family”

he flipped the camera so the three of you could be seen Phil was laughing Tommy had his head in his hands and you were sat with your hood over your head hiding your face so you couldn’t see what was going to happen. Phil told you to hold on but he was interrupted by Wilbur using the camera to record the four of you together again it was clear you and Tommy were not having the most fun on the ride compared to the others. the ride crashed into the small wall next to the ride causing it to jerk forward making the four of you hit your leg

“my fucking thigh”

“y/n there are children nearby”

“y/n, Tommy you two are lucky to be alive”

you and Tommy turned to face each other then looked back at Wilbur who was continuing to chant that you’re lucky to be alive clearly ignoring Phil who was telling him to stop. eventually, the ride came to an end and you all got off, Phil helped you walk around for a minute as your legs felt extremely weak after that ride

“you okay now y/n”

“yeah yeah thank you, Phil. I'm never going on that ride again”

you all made your way to the centre of the park Wilbur disappeared as you and Tommy stood begging Phil for cotton candy, your only argument being that you really wanted it

“please Phil”

“We can have a little”

“we’re growing Phil we need more than a little”

“it’s diabetes in a box”

“it’s pure joy”

“yeah it’s fun in a box let us get some”

“stop being a dick”

Wilbur came running out of a shop carrying as much cotton candy as he could shouting for you and Tommy to take some and run which you gladly did. the pair of you sat on the grass eating as much cotton candy as you could

“ITS BLUEBERRY”

“that is so sugary”

you and Tommy both grabbed a fistful of cotton candy waving it at the two adults in front of you both, resulting in Phil calling you both goblins, they both walked away leaving you two to enjoy each other’s company for a little while whilst they had a break from the pair of you screaming.

“that’s..that's Tommy and y/n”

it was almost time to face the smiler but before that, you had to conquer oblivion again this was another ride that terrified you but Tommy's reaction to the ride made you laugh for a good few minutes until you realised you were in the queue

“oh fuck. we are going to die”

“you’ll impress the girl and y/n you’ll impress tubbo”

“ill buy her flowers”

“This is a death trap” you went on first and sat a few seats away from the middle Tommy not far behind you

“if we die ill never forgive you”

“you’ll be fine”

“will we though”

“I mean”

“Tommy she was hesitant to answer that get me off this ride”

just like last time the ride started just as you finished trying to get off the ride

“y/n you really need to stop asking to get off the rides it makes them start earlier”

the way to the top of the ride was mainly just you and Tommy yelling curse words trying to stay calm

“Phil do we have to”

“Why could I not stay with Wilbur”

“awe look at the view”

“can we just stay up here- oh shit don’t look down”

“any last words”

“lovely knowing you all”

just before the ride was about to go down the drop Tommy grabbed your hand only letting go for a minute whilst you got off of the ride, as soon as you were making your way to Wilbur so you could all go on the spinball wizard ride he held your hand again keeping you close. your way to the ride was a range of Wilbur telling you all about the smiler or Tommy telling you all he was worried he was going to piss

“what the fuck is yours and Wilburs obsession with announcing you might piss on the ride”

you sat with Wilbur for this ride as he was the only person you hadn’t sat with yet and Tommy sat behind you both, you and Wilbur spent the ride screaming, yelling song lyrics or saying your goodbyes

“for lmanburg”

“Should I be worried.. you did you know create an explosion”

you spent the rest of the ride laughing before it came to an end. you all made your way to the smiler making jokes about how it’s all the girl from college wants to see him on.

“you ready Tommy”

“let’s go home”

“no”

“y/n you’re supposed to be on my team”

the four of you made your way through the gates ignoring Tommy who was yelling about it being a prison simulator, you sat at the end next to Tommy

“so this is safe”

“apart from the crashes yeah”

“y/n? is it safe?”

“it’s safe Tommy I can see you’re genuinely scared I wouldn’t lie in a time like this..maybe”

you and Wilbur agreed to become his wingmen and a few seconds later the ride began, you spent the ride laughing quietly as Tommy began confessing his love

“POGCHAMP”

“I WISH I SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE”

as soon as the ride ended you stood as a group again and called the girl from college, Wilbur practically yelled about how Tommy went on the smiler only for the girl to ask who Tommy was and how she wasn’t friends with him

“it’s okay mate”

“you okay Tommy”

you and Wilbur pulled Tommy into a hug.

a few minutes later you all made your way back to the car park as it was getting late. once in the car you handed Tommy the squishy monster you both named Clarence, Tommy screamed whilst pulling you into a hug before asking you how and when you were able to buy it. when you were halfway home you began to get a migraine Tommy pulled you into a side hug so you could rest your head on his shoulder and have a nap for the rest of the journey back home.

a few days late you received a message

tubbo: I miss you

y/n: I suppose I miss you too

tubbo: that’s good because I’m outside please let me inside

y/n: on it!!

taglist:

@l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @c1loudee

506 notes · View notes

jeonfiles · 3 years

Text

once more to see you | kth 01

pairing: taehyung x reader ft. seokjin

genre: angst, fluff, unrequited love

synopsis: taehyung is the complete opposite of you, and you're so in love with him. he's not interested in you at all, but he's willing to pretend so he won't be known for breaking the sweetest girl in school's heart. he knows you'll end up hurt either way.

warnings: taehyung is an idiot, a lot of pining, y/n is annoyingly dependent on validation, y/n does a lot of silent prayers, y/n is a track star, childhood bsf seokjin (cute), mentions of deceased family member

music for this chap: she had the world , carry me out

a/n: taehyung will disappoint u in the beginning but hes cute i promise

"I get why you like him Y/N," Sohee swallowed the rest of her sandwich before finishing her sentence, "He's so hot. People say he's interested in you too, y'know?"

Sohee visibly tried to get food out from the back of her mouth using her tongue, and it made you chuckle at the sight. "I don't think he does." You sighed, resting your chin in your palm.

You were both situated at the table in the inner corner of the cafeteria, with a full view of who walks in the door, and sometimes you swore you could see Sohee drool when attractive guys walked in that exact door.

"Hello, of course, he does! Even his friend Jimin told Kang Seulgi from Class 1, who told Go Euntaek in class 3, who eventually told his girlfriend Baek Ho-rang who ran to me to tell me the great news." Sohee gasped for air after rambling, and you rolled your eyes,

"Stories change when that many links contribute." You scoffed, sitting back in your chair and reaching for your juice box on the table, taking a huge slurp, which you knew would annoy Sohee.

"You don't believe me? Guess we gotta ask a link closer to the source then." Sohee stood up from her chair, and you looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Park Jimin, get your ass over here will ya?" She nearly shouted across the cafeteria, and now all looks were pointed at you two, and you felt the urge to just slip down the cracks of the floor tiles and hide there forever grow stronger for each nanosecond.

You sunk further down on your tacky, orange chair, but you could still see Jimin's black locks sway a little over the crowd as he walked over to the table you were sitting at.

"What's up sugar?" Jimin smirked at Sohee, and Sohee didn't even budge, and you had no idea how she did it. He was stupidly attractive and could make any girl drop her pants with a comment like that.

"Jimin my dearest, a little birdie told me that Taehyung likes my sweet Y/N, could you confirm?" She batted her long lashes and smiled prettily at Jimin.

He looked to the left, sucked his teeth, and said, "I can't, I'm sorry." You realized you had grown a little too hopeful, and your heart sunk quite a bit when he spoke.

"Does he think I'm pretty at least?" You spoke up, eyes shining when you looked up towards the standing Jimin, the harsh lights in the cafeteria reflecting in them.

"He hasn't mentioned you much, to be quite honest." He shrugged, walking back to his table, where Taehyung and the rest of his friends sat.

Your heart thumped when he met your eyes, and you looked away in panic. The rest of lunch was just Sohee apologizing and you avoiding eye contact with any of the students at the nearby tables.

Jimin mentioned you and Sohee's name several times, he was a loud speaker, and you were so scared of what he was saying you could probably die right then and there.

Saved by the bell, you picked up your stuff and got ready to start running to your classroom, praying you wouldn't meet any of Taehyung's friends, and especially not Taehyung as you ran Usain Bolt style.

You looked down while running, not thinking twice about leaving your best friend behind, you suddenly fell to the ground with a thud. This was surely not one of your glory days.

When you looked up, you wanted to cry. It was none other than Kim Taehyung, and he didn't look pleased. You gathered your things and muttered "Sorry." under your breath probably about 10 times, and he just watched, disappointingly.

"You're a klutz. Why were you running?" He spoke, and your knees turned into jelly when you tried to stand up, you nearly fell and dropped all your stuff again, but he caught you by the arm, straightening you up like it was nothing.

"Uh... Uhm... Err..." you mumbled, and he rolled his eyes, and not in a joking manner. "Fuck that, why are you going around telling people I like you?"

Your breath hitched, and he stared at you coldly. "I didn't! Gosh, my friend Sohee told me someone had told her that you liked me, and- uh... We asked Jimin, and-" He put his hand over your mouth, making you shut up.

"I don't want you two to go around making up baseless rumors about me, it's incredibly annoying for me to go around correcting people who assume shit just because your little friend speaks louder than a bunch of hyenas at a tea party." Taehyung nearly spat, and you took a step back.

You noticed that people were listening in, their stares burning holes in your back. He was livid, and you didn't understand why, you just smiled, praying to god that this would end soon.

"I just thought you liked me-" You began, and he interrupted you, "You thought I was gonna like someone like you? Get over yourself and enter the real world."

The hallway went silent, your lips trembled as hot tears raced down your face, and like the track star you were, you fled the scene and passed the finish line into the bathrooms.

You stayed till the school day ended, not knowing what was unraveling outside the four walls of the stall.

Sohee 💜: 01:12 pm

Y/N, where are you? i heard what happened :( i hate taehyung im gonna chop his sausage off

Sohee 💜: 01:38 pm

taehyung is fighting w doyoung because doyoung decided to defend you this is hilarious

but fr where are you

Sohee 💜: 01:57 pm

doyoung gave taehyung a black eye damn

doyo is on the verge of tears when taehyung said you liked him and not doyo

taehyung cant not have feelings for you like there must be smth deeper going on

Sohee 💜: 03:39 pm

class just ended i'll wait out back

Sohee always knew when to leave you alone, so she did, partially. You usually shut off your phone when you're upset, but she still sends you texts to update you whenever you turn it back on.

This time, it was quite dramatic, and you rushed out of the icky stall and ran (again) to reach Sohee to get the full story, and as you expected, it was interesting.

"Basically, Doyoung punched Taehyung and Taehyung was a little too OP, so he failed to initiate a fight, so it just turned into Taehyung being an ass to Doyoung for defending you." She shrugged, adjusting the straps of her leather backpack as you walked home.

"Taehyung's rep is so tainted right now, I don't know how he's gonna fix this my dear Y/N, so I guess he got his karma. He's an idiot and I'm glad other people are starting to see."

You nodded yes, pushing out a fake chuckle, while silently you prayed that everything would soon be back to normal and that Taehyung would forgive you for the mess you caused.

Being in love with Taehyung for a year had taken a toll on you, and your best friend since freshman year had noticed too. You were different.

You used to be so independent and optimistic, but now you would strive for validation, and you had turned into one of the most insecure people Sohee had ever met.

Sohee tried to pull you away from him, but to her demise, it only got worse when you tried to meet other guys. She figured that the only way for you to disconnect from him was if you had your go with him, or if he treated you like a complete idiot.

You waved goodbye to Sohee as you entered your house, kicking off your shoes and throwing yourself down on the couch. You wanted to scream, but you saw your brother's and another guy's shoes in your hallway, so you kept it inside.

After having watched an episode of Seinfeld, you could hear the floorboards creak, and your gaze found its way to the hallway, where your brother, Yoongi stood, peeking out from his door.

"Ah, Y/N, you're the one who's home?" He smiled brightly, eyes turning into small crescents, which made you awe at the sight.

"Yuppers." You said and sat back again, pressing play to start the next episode. "Who's your guest?" And as you uttered your last word, another head peeked out from the door, and you couldn't help but feel the happiness brew inside you.

It was Kim Seokjin in all his glory, and this time, he looked even hotter. It had been about two years since you last saw him because he moved to Germany to study medicine.

Seokjin had been your neighbor since you were born, and you pretty much grew up with two older brothers who always took care of you.

No one dared to mess with you, because Seokjin and Yoongi always got to them first. That way, you grew up without a care in the world, protected from all evil.

You had no idea when you fell in love with him. It was somewhere during puberty, where your interest in Brad Pitt and Kim Soohyun from Dream High had grown stronger.

You remember Seokjin was scouted for modeling, acting, and even idol groups all through your childhood. He did a few ads, photoshoots, a popular teenage drama called Double Trouble, and even managed to get his own Wikipedia page.

There was no doubt that Seokjin was an attractive man, and in the two years he had been gone, his face fat was completely gone, and he had defined cheekbones, a slimmer and tighter figure, and you thought he couldn't be any more perfect.

"None other than God himself," Seokjin said smugly, opening his arms to greet you with a hug, and you threw your blanket you were covered into the side as you bolted into Seokjin's arms, legs wrapped around his waist.

He slowly put you down so your feet touched the parquet, and you felt a kind of euphoria as he smiled at you again, the same smile he had flashed you as long as you could remember.

Everything about Seokjin had matured and changed, but his smile remained the same. "What are you doing back?" You sniffled, holding back the happy tears that were forming in your eyes.

"Hey, don't get me wrong, I love Germany, but it's a little bland. I miss ahjumnas complimenting me on the subway and the bomb ass food here in SK." Seokjin grinned as he wiped a tear that fell down your face.

Yoongi was leaning against the door frame, smiling at the grand reunion. You knew he liked seeing you two together, and you had a small suspicion about him shipping you guys.

"Please don't ever leave again." You gripped onto his shirt, digging your face down in his chest, and he said, "I swear to god if you're wearing makeup right now-"

You laughed as you pushed him away, placing your hands below your chin and batting your eyelashes dramatically, "I'm all-natural."

"Naturally pretty." Seokjin leaned forward and whispered in your ear, and your heart did a little somersault.

Seokjin's always been a charmer.

You woke up in your room, pink sheets draped over your half-naked body as tons of messages poured in on your phone, vibrating so much it nearly fell off the edge of your nightstand.

You grab it while rubbing your eyes, and you're shocked to see the messages that had exploded on your lock screen.

Unknown: 08:39 am

Hey, it's Kim Taehyung.

Look, I'm sorry for the shit I said to you and I would love to make it up to you in some kind of way.

Maybe I could take you out?

I get it if you don't want to, but I heard you were interested in me so...

What kinda food do you like? Activities, hobbies?

I really wanna make this right :)

You: 08:43 am

oh hey! I'd love to, you kinda owe me one. if it's your treat, I suppose we could get some sushi and boba...

btw I don't like u like that

Contact made, saved as "taehyung <3" at 08:44 am

taehyung <3: 08:47 am

Okay. Meet me at Nori Table at 6 pm. Don't make me wait.

Your heart was palpitating, and when you pressed your phone up to your chest, you could feel your body heat up from your scalp to your toes.

Maybe Kim Taehyung had no interest in you right now, but he sure would after tonight. You were gonna make him love you, soon enough,

Running to the shower a few hours of Seinfeld later, you scrubbed with all your might with your newest strawberry scrub, did your makeup, curled your hair, and sat down on the couch, outfit draped over the armrest of the chair.

It was an hour till you were leaving, so for the time being you sat with hair rollers in your hair, dressed in pink sweats. Seokjin and Yoongi had been awake all night, you had heard them laugh and play Mario Cart all night, it reminded you of old times.

Old times where you went to bed crying because Yoongi and Seokjin's bedtime was later than yours at sleepovers. Thinking back, your parents made a pretty rational decision, but you resented them for it.

When Seokjin left for school in Germany, during your Sophomore year you cried again. You thought it was so unfair that you had to be two years younger, why couldn't you come with him?

You were painfully in love with him, and you had been probably since you were. A few months after he moved, your feelings faded. You were love-free, only to fall stupidly in love again with Taehyung just a year later.

You were forced to snap out of your train of thought because you heard the floorboards creak again. When you looked over at the dark hallway, you saw a tired, yet familiar face smile at you.

Seokjin looked quite disoriented, hair ruffled and eyes puffy, yet he looked like a Greek god. Sculpted to perfection, he smiled at you like he did yesterday and all the times before.

"Morning." He grunted out, his morning voice prominent. You chuckled when you looked at the time, feeling kind of bad for Seokjin who had slept away the majority of his day, which you knew he didn't like.

"It's 5 pm, cutie. Mom said you guys could order takeout, cause she's working late." You stood up, and Seokjin gave you a good look up and down, and then diverted his gaze to the lavender ruffle skirt and white long-sleeve blouse you had neatly hung over the armchair.

"What's the occasion?" He nodded over at the clothes and then your hair rollers and full-face makeup-covered face. He threw a few walnuts from the little bowl on the coffee table into his mouth.

"It's none of your business, but I have a date tonight," you said smugly, and a walnut flew out of Seokjin's mouth in shock.

"A date? Like a real one?" He frantically asked, and you nodded as you walked away with your outfit in hand.

You came back out minutes later, and Seokjin had to hold his mouth shut so it wouldn't drop to the floor. You had matured so well, a white blouse adorning your waist, and the lavender skirt hugged your curves nicely.

You had decorated your neck and ears with golden jewelry, and you had a pair of Air forces dangling from your left hand. You were beautiful, hair let free from the hair rollers, curls swaying as you did a twirl.

"It's alright, I guess." He pretended not to care, and your proud grin morphed into a frown pretty quickly, and he noticed.

He stood up and walked towards you, standing very close. His tall figure was hovering over you. Seokjin leaned forward towards your ear, not whispering this time,

"You're gorgeous." He pushed your curls behind your shoulder, adjusting your golden necklace as he returned to Yoongi's bedroom.

You were screwed.

The time on your phone showed 6:06 pm. You recall him saying ‘don’t be late’. What a hypocrite. It had started to pour down, so you were squeezed up against the brick wall of the restaurant so the ledge above you would shield you from the rain.

You were shaking from the cold, legs exposed because of your skirt. Sighing deeply, you reached down into your purse to text Taehyung, but when you looked up, you saw him running over to you.

He was holding a bouquet of pink delphinium and peonies. You’d always been interested in flowers, and this small gesture made you all fuzzy inside.

“I apologize for my late arrival m’lady. The flower shop was about to close down for the day, and I had to beg the cashier to let me in, promising to buy a huge bouquet if she did.” He smiled as he stood in front of you.

“No worries sir, I haven’t been waiting for long.” You chuckled, as you accepted the bouquet. His eyes scanned every inch of your body, and he said, “You’re shivering. Let’s go inside.”

This was a side of Taehyung you had barely seen before, caring and warm. This was also the side of him that initially made you fall for him.

The memories of him reading stories for children at the hospital was heartwarming. Whenever you went to visit your brother, who has now passed, you would see him read stories for all the unlucky kids.

Your brother, who was only 7 years old talked about Taehyung like a superhero, and it seemed as if Taehyung’s stories were the highlight of his days at the hospital.

Daejung wasn’t a kid you would pity. In his last months in the hospital he never once cried. You believed that Taehyung was a big part of the reason.

That’s why you fell in love with him. He hadn’t been a superhero in the form of saving lives, but he definitely made a whole lot of sick kids happier.

How could you ever repay him?

Taehyung rested a hand on your shoulder and lead you inside the door, and there stood a beautiful tall woman, black hair to her waist, almond-shaped eyes, and full lips.

She was beautiful. You looked up to see Taehyung’s reaction, and he wasn’t looking at her, he was looking at you. His eyes met yours, and you could’ve sword the whole world stopped.

“Excuse me?” An unfamiliar voice spoke up, and it kicked you right back into reality. It was the pretty woman speaking, an even prettier voice to match her.

“Do you have a reservation?” She questioned, smiling so genuinely from ear to ear. “Yes. It’s on Kim.” Taehyung spoke so confidently.

“Ah, for two. I’ll be your server tonight.” She waved for you to follow her, and before she turned around, you saw her name tag.

Bae Eunmi. A pretty name for a pretty person. Of course, she had to be pretty. Your confidence sunk even lower, and your insecurities grew.

“I’m not interested in her, by the way. I’ve talked to her before. She’s all beauty and no brains. Not for me.” Taehyung whispered into your ear, possibly to reassure you.

You sat down at the table and ordered a huge plate of different types of sushi, maki, nigiri, uramaki, and even sashimi.

This restaurant was fancy, nearly too fancy for your liking. It was huge and flashy, and it made you doubt your outfit choice completely.

The restaurant fell silent since there weren’t many guests here this early. The silence wasn’t awkward between you guys. It was just, too silent, and you decided to break it.

“Do you still write stories?” Taehyung’s face froze. How did you know about the stories he wrote? Had you been stalking him? Was this when everyone would find out how weak he truly is?

“How did you find out... About them?” He asked hesitantly, fidgeting with a small woven basket with bread placed on your table.

“When sun and moon met, moon felt bad. When the moon was alone at night, he cried, because he wanted to shine just like the sun.” You quote his story word by word, it was your favorite paragraph.

He looked at you with a confused look and his eyes told you that he wondered why you knew the story so well.

Before he could speak up, you said, “My brother's name was Daejung. He looked up to you and constantly told me about how he wanted to be like you when he grew up.” You placed your hands on top of his over the table.

Taehyung was speechless. He sat there, body completely frozen as he processed what you just said. The little boy he had mourned for many months was the same flesh and blood as you.

“Daejung told me how he wanted me to marry you because he thought no one else deserved me.” Letting go of his hands, he continued sitting completely still.

First, he felt disappointed in himself. Disappointed of the way he had treated you, how sad Daejung would be if he knew.

Second, he could see him in your traits. Your button nose matched his completely, and your eyes sparkled just the way his eyes did.

Third, he realized he had to take care of you. Fall in love with you, for Daejung. Taehyung had promised the little boy to take care of his friends and family when he has at his worst.

His expression completely changed. It softened, and his eyes looked at you like you were godsent. He believed you were too. It was fate.

join the “once more to see you” taglist

a/n: u guys know the angst isn't over lol u guys r never gonna see the light at the end of the tunnel ! this chapter was originally a bit longer but i have to test the waters and seeing how u guys like it !! pls reblog <3

#taehyung ff #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #bts imagines #bts ff #bts taehyung #taehyung x you #taehyung x reader #bts v #seokjin angst #seokjin ff #seokjin smut #taehyung smut #fuckboy!taehyung #popular!taehyung #bts x reader #bts x oc #bts

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revrevarchive · 2 years

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birth chart reading :) no strings attached

Anonymously DM me your DOB, birth location + birth time. And let me know if you are new to astrology, intermediate, or well-versed--it’ll help me discern how much to elaborate.

I will pull your birth chart, and I will do a brief reading. I might choose to focus on a specific aspect, wound to heal, past life theme, current transit, a gift...whatever energy gravitates toward me.

This is purely for fun. I’m an extremely broad thinker and I naturally deep dive into analysis, that often I struggle to discern all the energy I’m reading, so this might be a helpful exercise for me while the ☽ transits Aqua, the sign of the occult, the unfamiliar, strangers, the internet, unexpected insights. So you, baby, all you gotta do is submit and sit back.

EXAMPLE RESPONSE U MIGHT GET FROM MEEE

Anonymous says, “August 31 2000 Boston MA 7:30PM. New-ish to astrology.”

My response might be something like this:

“Unsolicited advice? Tell people to fuck off sometimes. No, really. I’m serious. There’s a lot of people that you let off the hook, people who really deserve to hear you say fuck you and never hear from you again. But everyone knows you’re kind, forgiving...and they practice Jedi Mind Tricks all day with you.

With all these passive or mutable placements, it’s not surprising that you get caught up in grand delusions for the sake of connecting with people (Sun, Mercury in Virgo 7H - house of 1-1 relationship)(Pisces rising - illusive, dreamy or nightmarish personal life/personality). You might not even know who you really are if not for your relationships. That's why it’s so important to surround yourself with positive, caring and genuine people--practice discernment often, otherwise you will consistently manifest situations of delusion and becoming the victim. Your soul is nurtured by relationship, by relating to someone or something but you have a tendency to have a foggy and blurry intuition about toxic people that you often attract. Having a Pisces rising is like an OPEN sign for all emotional energy vampires. That’s why it’s important to have one or two close connections rather than an abundance of relationships. Make sure those close ones to you have sound, objective judgement that can help sort through your personal life.

Your focus this lifetime is to see and discern (Sun in Virgo) all these illusive entanglements that you get caught up in. Your POV in this lifetime is to illuminate when people have taken advantage of your relatability and willingness to bend over backwards and be compromising (Moon + Venus in Libra ). As a result, you’re prone to overthinking overthinking overthinking about your relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic or just a relationship to a passion, TV show, drugs, etc. To the point that you might even be so overcritical that you resort to swimming in self-pity and casting yourself as the martyr. But you have incredible potential to use your empathetic nature as...”

Ok...see how I started rambling? You might end up getting a whole damn reading out of me just because I start spiraling and going deeeeeeep into the energies you carry. (That’s on my 12H Mercury conj. Pluto in Sagittarius...my mind wanders.)

Anyway, submit here. First come, first serve. All being done by 12am 3/2 Hawaiian Standard Time.

REVISED ON 2/28 7:20 PM HST / 10:19 PM CST

inbox is full as fuck. no more thx.

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luna-is-on-mars · 3 years

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I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!

I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.

So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.

All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.

But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.

She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.

And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!

All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.

I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.

I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!

I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.

#personal #Erika ♡#Sue ♡#I'm back!#(kinda)

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jesshq · 3 years

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Hey guys I need to get something off my chest....

I have multiple issues when responding to art and etc. And will end up accidentally saying something that ether: angers, annoys or upsets the artist....

I even have a short train of thought....problems speaking...I rambled all the time (ether of art or not even just my own headcons or ships)....

I have even got blocked for reasons because of my issues...

Some people claim I’m immature, annoying and not acting my age but it’s hard for me to do anything:

1. I have had to have a EA with me for every thing in school even easier classes due to my learning issues. Due to that I kinda was separated with learning like my class mates (sometimes the only one)

2. Due to my issues the minute I get criticized for something I did, or I did something wrong, get called names and etc. I get upset very upset to the point I wanna punish myself when I upset someone.

3. I never had friends, no seriously.....kindergarten to grade 12 I had NO one but a small handful and even then me and them never hung out due to my interest except one...who is currently in collage during these times (COVID-19)

4. My family is a hard one to get along with and anything done: mom works home care in the evenings (2-3pm to 10-11pm) and has back issues, dad works at a hog barn mornings (6am to 2-7 pm (depending on what he’s doing shipping or drawing blood from pigs), my little sister tends to downgrade me a lot...calling me names like: annoying, dumbass, bitch, retarded and many more (parents have tried to stop her) and her boyfriend has moved in...

5. I do a good amount of chores and I’m the first one my family calls to do something, I have really no time to do things...and imagine my life since COVID-19 hit...(in March 2020 was when lock downs started happening where I live)

6. So I’m basically just a 19 yr girl trying to find and make some friends online who have common interests with me to talk to and give ideas to....but they end up coming out wrong and people take it the wrong way and sometimes instantly block me before I could apologize due to my issues

7. due to my issues what I think doesn’t come out of my mouth or text right then, I hit send before it registered I miss worded or my phone’s auto correct fixed it wrong of what I said

8. This goes for those I follow or follow me (and have messaged me) I actually worry when you guys don’t post especially during these times... as it a way I can see your doing well/ok despite COVID-19 or anything that is happening on your end

9. I will Admit I’m horrible at asking requests for art and etc. nicely...once again it’s due to my issues, and well I hope I can fix that...so I’m sorry to anyone I upset or felt like a bother when asking for art requests (especially when you have commissions)

10. I’m 19 yes but I have no job (due to my issues I would get fired instantly...), and the only money I get is from selling my cow’s boy calf’s from the family farm, and babysitting (which I can’t do due to COVID-19) to ask for commissions, heck my parents don’t even like online shopping, but if I ask for a request plz explain why in a slow manner (do to my brain can’t process things without seeing why) you need the money from the commissions...I actually feel helpless unable to help people with commissions for things example: like collage or certain classes in college (I wanna go for animation/design), or a laptop. Just say no and tell me why I’ll then leave you be but still cheer you on for whatever your doing and like your art (which I can’t do if I get blocked due to a stupid thing I said or did...)

11. I hate myself whenever something goes wrong example: I get blocked...After I didn’t realize I did something wrong. Or I get called things behide my back (which happens a lot).

12. ALSO! to those who claim I guilt trip when I go ‘.....’ I don’t know what to say! I’m not acting sad or anything it’s because I know know the right words to say

13. I’m actually developing anxiety (which honestly I shouldn’t be but I have social anxiety in RL or online (unless that person has the same interests as me)) whenever I commented on someone’s art (where it’s Disney or Casper, and many more of my interests) because I feel like I might accidentally hit a nerve or upset the artist, even just asks I’m worried on doing

That’s all I just wanted to let people know, so if people/artist claim I’m just an annoyance, or immature or anything like that that, I have abit of a reason for it...

But look at me like this: I’m person/artist that love your art and just offering comments or ideas trying to see if you wish to be friends, even if I bring in my headcons and ships I’m curious on how you would think of them. And if I’m upsetting you I’m abit of a understanding girl, and if I’m explained abit of whatever it is a ask or comment of mine. if we talk it out about it with no hostility or threats of blocking as I never block (unless your a porn bot).

Like I said before I’m a slow girl so talking to me and downgrading me from something I did to upset you like:

Calling me an annoyance due to one of my comments about mentioning one of my ships when it has really nothing to do with the character

That actually upsets me even when I try to apologize for it and when I apologize I ACTUALLY mean it and it won’t happen again.

This isn’t A vent thing it’s just a thing to let people know I have issues with interacting with people online, I’m not mad or anything as I do the ‘forgive and forget’ thing (also I tend to forget about things randomly) I don’t really hold grudges

So if I make a weird ask or something just look at this plz it’s due to my many..MANY issues that I have had since school till now with COVID-19

#I have issues...#my life #plz help....

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1076

Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I honestly never felt the need to see a single page, hear of the plot, or watch any part from any of the movies tbh. I just heard from everyone it was full of smut and it was enough to turn me away from it. Then it got banned in my school which definitely helped in not having to hear anything about it again.

What does your sibling(s) call you? In third-person they refer to me as Ate, which is the honorific for older sister. But my sister usually addresses me simply by looking my way and starting her sentence/question from there.

Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? I don’t have a significant other anymore but my ex used to be unnecessarily mean about some of my close guy friends. I didn’t like some of her friends too, but I always had some valid reason behind it, e.g. they were creepy around her, they were aloof towards me, etc. But she didn’t like some of my guy friends by the sole fact that they were guys and she didn’t trust them around me, and like it was just something I couldn’t do anything about tbh. It also hurt me, because I love my guy friends and it didn’t feel right that she hated and criticized them without even wanting to make the effort to get to know them.

Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? My life is the grand sum of what I make of things. Idk if that’s able to address the question, but that is how I see the world in general.

Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No. Doesn’t really sit well with me, simply put. I believe that when I die, that is it for me; same with all other living beings.

The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I guess The Hunger Games. I saw the first movie and fairly enjoyed it, but that’s it as far as my interest in the franchise goes. I have never had any idea what The Maze Runner is about, and I honestly keep confusing it for the Divergent series for some reason lol.

Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? I don’t think so. If I did, I probably have already made the conscious decision not to hang out with them a lot haha.

Did/do you believe them? If I did know someone, I would not believe them.

Is anything annoying you right now? It’s fucking Sunday evening and I am not in the mood to go back to work tomorrow. I’m also staying up late (it’s already past 11 PM) and I know I’m already going to regret this, which is annoying me even more.

Have you ever been ice-skating? Yes! So many times as a kid. We don’t get actual snow though, so some malls have artificial ice skating rinks for those who want to do so. From ages 8-10 my mom would drop me off at the rink for me to practice/play in for a few hours because she knew I didn’t like tagging along in errands.

Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? I wouldn’t say it helps me sleep since I generally have no issues dozing off, but the sound does make me feel calm and relaxed.

Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Yes, I had a classmate with albinism at one point.

Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? I don’t think I ever have. I never had to.

Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? Probably. Or, at least, shot my hand out in an area where I ended up feeling a big cobweb.

What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Despair. Hahahaha. Give me a longer fucking weekend, universe.

Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No, just this survey.

Do you have trust issues? Well now I do.

Have you ever found an arrow head? I don’t know; I don’t think so.

Who is with you? It’s just me in my room now. Kimi didn’t enter with me, and I think he wants to hang out in the corridor for a bit tonight. He’ll knock once he wants to be in here.

What can you not stop thinking about? How much longer I should continue doing this survey because I need to get sleep if I don’t want to wake up cranky.

Do you forgive easily? No. I tend to hold grudges, and I’d rather be honest and straightforward about my grudges than lie to someone’s face that I’ve forgiven them when I know within myself that I still resent them. I feel like that would be unfair to them anyway so it’s grudges all the way for me.

In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? Not sure there’s a most. I possess self-awareness so I continue to learn as I get older. < Yeah I gotta go with this one. In every start of a new chapter in my life, I always seem to pick up new details or lessons about myself.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? I’ve been in physical fights but no fists were ever thrown.

Are your ears pierced? Yes, they are indeed.

What did you last say out loud? Something along the lines of “Not yet? Alright” to Kimi when he decided he didn’t want to enter my room with me.

What are you waiting on? I’m waiting on Friday already -____-

Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not usually. I like expressing it indirectly, like having shorter patience with them or ignoring them completely.

Are your feelings hurt easily? This working girl has to sleep, lmao. Catch y’all soon. Okay, where were we... Yeah, I would say being sensitive is one of my main traits. It’s fairly easy for me to get my feelings hurt, and I tend to overthink/overanalyze the simplest of jokes or comments towards me.

What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I haven’t started shelling out when it comes to clothes; like I’ve mentioned before, most of my money goes to food and the rest goes to gas, lmao. My most expensive clothes are probably just my WWE shirts. The merch I own are of the biggest wrestlers during the time I got them, so it was their shirts that cost the highest.

Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? Probably Hans. The two of us don’t talk much at all, but we always bond super well when we’re together and I can count on him to give me honest, hard-pill-to-swallow advice. Angela has to be with us though, or else I’ll feel awkward and shy.

How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? Yes, but there are good and bad sides to it. I will always be thankful to Gabie for tirelessly encouraging me to try out new things, expand my horizons, and to be unafraid to discover what I am capable of. She was undoubtedly my biggest supporter, especially when it came to going out of my comfort zone. I grew a lot from my relationship with her, so much so that it has definitely helped shape me to be the much braver, risk-taker person I am today. I like who I am now, and I won’t deny that it was she who helped in bringing that person out of her shell.

Bad side...she made me say sorry a lot. For her, she could do no wrong; and even if she did, she was always able to flip a situation around to make it sound like it was actually my fault. And so I said sorry, a lot. For four years. And on my end, I don’t think I received a lot of the apologies I think I deserved. So these days, I get jumpy with people and always feel the need to panic and apologize for the smallest shortcomings. She also always wanted to win arguments. Getting her point across and me agreeing with it mattered more than actually resolving arguments and moving our relationship forward. Bad as it was, it taught me a personal lesson: I learned how to negotiate and communicate better in my other relationships because I wanted to avoid the toxic dynamic I had in my own relationship.

As sad as I am that I lost the relationship and as much as I continue to think of the things that could have been, these days I get sadder instead when I think of how much I allowed myself to be treated that way. Of course, I’m very aware that I had my own set of problematic traits too. I’m not saying I was the model significant other (I was far from it), but the main difference between us is that I was always striving to be better in the relationship. I wanted to address the issues she had with me and to try to be a better, kinder person from it, for her sake and for my own personal growth. Unfortunately, all my attempts at healthy communication with her was always met with, “I can’t change who I am because this is already me.” Anyway, I’m rambling and I’m starting to feel sad again. Next question! Hahahaha.

Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Claire Foy’s Elizabeth from The Crown.

Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? I was invisible in freshman and sophomore years, High school was the start of a new chapter, and my track record with new life chapters was never impressive because I take longer than normal to adjust to new environments. By third year I reconnected with Angela, and she hung out with the popular kids, so soon enough I got pulled into that crowd. I’d say by the end of high school I was a solid point on the radar - it was also thanks to my open secret of a same-sex relationship in a Catholic school, if we’re being honest lol - but I never liked having the spotlight on me. I liked that I had popular friends, but I myself never wanted to stir up shit on my own. I was just glad to be constantly invited to soirées and underground parties, lmao.

Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? I’ve always been icky about the concepts of dating and sex. I could never imagine being intimate with anyone, and sex isn’t the biggest priority for me in relationships. The only time it makes the most sense to me is if I did it with someone I’ve built a solid, strong connection with; a close friend that I could trust. Realizing those made it easier to accept within me that I’m demi, or at least dancing around somewhere under the asexual umbrella.

What was the hardest part of your last break up? Coming to terms with how shittily I was treated, during and after. By the end of our relationship, she made it seem as though talking to me and maintaining the relationship was a chore. Every mistake I made sent her into a rage, which always ended in me rapidly apologizing in tears. Then after the breakup, she simply wanted to cut ties with me. She was never willing to allow me to healthily process the situation, and whenever I had questions in mind she would answer them curtly, and not give me reflective answers or perspectives. I begged for a long time to have my questions answered and to allow myself the teeniest bit of closure.

I had such a shiny, sparkly, perfect, can-do-no-wrong idea of my girlfriend for our entire friendship; so to take my rose-colored glasses off was the hardest part of it all. But taking that hard step was also the first step to healing, so it brought some good too I guess. I just wish getting to the good and easy part didn’t have to be so painful.

What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? The awareness that I had friends who unconditionally care about me. Also if I’m being honest, the Christmas break. I realized I was having such a hard time with my breakup because I was also already dealing with work burnout and the pressure of being in a new position and trying to make as few as mistakes as possible – so by the time the Christmas break rolled around and I had two weeks of no work, it was enough for me to recharge, realign my priorities, and determine the things and people that matter and that I want to keep.

What's your favorite kind of smiley face? Idk, I guess just :)? I like keeping my emoticons simple.

Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? I dunno if I have one.

Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I did, but I never liked it. I remember Rugrats very specifically because this was the show that would be on Nickelodeon whenever me and my sister would be woken up at 5 AM to prepare for school. It came before Legends of the Hidden Temple, which was a lot more fun to watch.

What about Hey Arnold? I caught it often because this was also an early morning show (it came after Legends of the Hidden Temple), but I was never into it either. I also never got to watch the episodes in full because the school bus would pick me up by the time this was on the air.

Do you like pep rallies? Idk what that is.

Have you ever had pneumonia? No.

What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? The possibility of accidentally waking up in the middle of a surgery and being unable to speak out because I was anaesthetized scares me more than anything else. But since I’ve never had to have a surgery before, I imagine feeling completely terrified if the time ever comes for me to have one.

Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? I don’t play it. I think I tried it before, but it just never stuck with me. The most I’ve gone with it is to watch several playthroughs by Pewdiepie. I have no clue what you mean by servers.

Do you read creepypastas? No. I’m familiar with some, but I never read any.

Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I feel like this survey contains snippets from many different surveys because I’ve definitely answered this question before...but anyway, I wouldn’t say it’s scary per se but I AM shy when it comes to these things, and I don’t think I have it in me to carry a camera around in public and directly speak to it.

Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? Mmm no, doesn’t sound like my idea of fun either. I don’t like solving puzzles hahaha.

What social class would you say you're in? Middle class. We live a relatively comfortable life in this country.

Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? Nope. I have never recorded myself singing because it has never been necessary lol.

How do you feel about guns? Not a fan. If I needed weapons for self-defense, I’d get anything other than a gun.

What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? The drunken rages I had to helplessly watch from my childhood years.

Are you faint to the sight of blood? Yeah absolutely. Like I’ve always felt bad about it but I was such a shit helper whenever my ex had her semi-regular nosebleeds. I did help, I just panicked and nearly hyperventilated every time I did so because of the blood HAHA

Do you like spicy food? Love them, but the food has to be meaningfully spicy for me to enjoy it - like curry or laksa. Spicy food shouldn’t just be dishes with sprinkled spicy powder as a finishing touch, because for the most part that just irritates my throat and it doesn’t allow me to appreciate the spiciness.

Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I think I am back to having simply strange dreams. But in the last few months, my nights had. been regularly plagued with nightmares.

When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Idk it was probably something my mom said that I had discarded from my memory. I’ve gotten so much better at that now.

What’s your second favorite color? Baby pink/pastel pink.

Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? I think about this everyday. Yes.

Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? One of my uncles.

Have you ever been involved in an affair? Nope.

How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I talk to them everyday since we have a Viber chat. I wouldn’t know what tasks to do or prioritize without them, so we need to be in touch all the time.

What do you want for your birthday? I don’t even want to think about my first birthday without her...but anyway, mine and Cooper’s birthday are super close to each other, so I actually want to throw a small party at home celebrating our birthdays haha :) Cooper can get his own doggie cake and cupcakes, heheh.

Have you ever been to a masquerade? I don’t think so.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? I’m sure I can think of a couple of people I know.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Angela.

Anything you’re avoiding? I wanna avoid work for the next hour or so. Then once I’ve done some recharging, I can continue with a few tasks tonight so that my workload can be just a bit lighter tomorrow morning.

After breaking up, what’s the worst? Depends on the breakup. < Agreed.

Does your sibling have a significant other? I don’t think either of them has.

Do you use Skype? Not since a decade ago. At work, we mainly use Google Meet. Some clients will use Zoom; one client uses Teams.

Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not yet, but I do want to try it out someday just to spoil myself haha.

Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. Idk if I can call myself happy just yet...hmm. Paramore does have a short song/interlude called I’m Not Angry Anymore, and it’s a happy-sounding song with a very passive-aggressive message hahaha. I’d say that’s me right now. Some of the lyrics go:

“I’m not bitter anymore, I’m syrupy sweet I’ll rot your teeth down to their core if I’m really happy

Depends on the day, if I wake up in a giddy haze Well, I’m not angry, I’m not totally angry, I’m not all that angry anymore” and everything about it is so meeeeee.

Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Forgiveness, also by Paramore. Sorry I’m in a music slump y’all. Only Paramore has been able to make my days the slightest bit better.

What is your most used pick up line? I don’t use those, nor do I like hearing those.

Do you like the taste of alcohol? Sure. I like strong mixed drinks the best, though.

What kinds of food make you sick? I don’t have a weak stomach when it comes to food. The only food that has made me sick are expired foods.

#survey #surveys

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sapphiresandsunlight · 4 years

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Instructions: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better.

Tagged by the lovely @nossbean

There are lots of people that I would love to get to know better! But I think the people who read my blog and would be inclined to participate have already done so? If not, please take this as an open invitation!

Gender: Female

Star sign: Pisces

Height: 5′8″

Sexuality: 1 on the Kinsey Scale

Hogwarts House: Ravenpuff?

Favorite animals: hmm....do dinosaurs count? Love me a good dinosaur, ngl. Other than that I love most things, with perhaps a greater fondness for non-fluffy things than some people have (love me a good shark or snake, at least from afar)? Zoology is cool, idk what to tell you.

Average hours of sleep: Not Enough, that’s for damn sure....probably 5-7 on a good day but who knows right now,

Current time: 11:36 PM (lol, see above)

Dogs or cats: Allergic to cats! Love doges though.

Number of blankets you sleep with: O manne a whole BUNCH of them. Like to make a nest. And also throw blankets can double as adjustable and more-mobile pillows, for cushioning in whatever weird position feels comfortable at that moment. In the winter around here, though, every last one of them is piled on top for warmth.

Dream job: Hoo boy, please forgive me for rambling a moment, as some of this is very fresh...For several years I have been working towards applying for schooling for my dream job, which is ‘genetic counselor’. I love so many things about it - the science, the complexity and variety of information (that is constantly increasing with ongoing scientific research), and the ability to educate patients and support them in what can be very complicated or upsetting situations, to name a few.

The application process is intense; about 30% of applicants get in every year and most schools have about a 1-4% acceptance rate, and every applicant and every program finds out on the same day exactly who has been accepted where. Coincidentally, this was two days ago, and although I had made it past the initial round of cuts for a few schools, I did not match with a program and will need to reapply (she said, very calmly and composedly). So. Very glad to have the escapism of fiction to throw myself into for a couple days before starting to climb that mountain again.

When I created this blog: May 2019, I believe? Somewhere right around the end of GoT.

Follower count: 45, I believe? Every one of them more precious than the last.

Why I made this blog: In the ship-induced madness that was episodes 8x02-8x04 of GoT, I saw too many tumblr posts that I liked and wanted a place to catalogue and save them all. I was on private for months and didn’t expect to ever unlock it or interact with any other users in the shippersphere, but eventually couldn’t resist doing so.

How I came up with my url: It was the first remotely mellifluous phrase I could come up with that had relevance to each character, lol - I cannot overemphasize how little serious planning went into it. But! It’s cute, I think. If I had thought of it, I would have made it my Ao3 handle too, but hindsight is 20/20.

#about me #me irl #tagged #games #personal #will I later regret talking for five years about GC applications #probably #but we must Soldier On

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gypsydanger01 · 4 years

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Fandom: The Boys (amazon prime series)

Requested by @seasalt-888: can you do a starlight X an ex who she broke up with because he didn't show he cared enough? Something like him coming back and showing her he's trying to change for the better?

Word count: 1850 words

A/N: I’ve got to say, this was a challenge for me because I wasn’t quite sure how you wanted it to go. That’s the reason why I gave this a more or less open ending. I hope you enjoy it!! Let me know if you want a continuation, or how you want Annie to deal with his reappearance in her life. Will it work or not? It’s completely up to you, dear!

Let me know what you think!

Reviews, constructive criticism and requests are always welcome!

Disclaimer: I don’t own Amazon Prime’s The Boys or any of its characters.

10 pm confessions

Walking groggily through her living space at the top of Vought Headquarters, Annie pulled her sneakers on and a sweater over her shoulders. She grabbed her grocery list off of the kitchenette counter and headed towards the door. The building had long since gone quiet, and her fellow team members were either out, or off to sleep for the night. She sighed, impatient to do the same. Nonetheless, she’d realized a while back that buying groceries was best done near closing hours at a small store a few blocks away. She could collect the products she needed without being bombarded by fans, or reporters. Sure, she loved the attention and the impact she knew she could have on their lives. She liked to be around people and spread a positive influence. But she also knew to value her time alone, those quiet hours of the night when she could finally think in a peaceful silence.

In the elevator, she felt her phone vibrate from an incoming call. Brad. She rolled her eyes, and bit her lip. She felt herself grow hot in the stuffy elevator, a cheery tune sounding from the speakers. In the metallic interior, she stared at her image, pulled and twisted like a fun house mirror.

She let her thumb hover over her phone, conflicted with the decision she was about to make. Finally, she let it fall and accepted his call.

The elevator had reached the ground floor, but she let the doors close on her once again. She brought the phone to her ear.

“Annie?” his voice questioned.

“Brad.”

“Annie, how are you?”

She sighed, “Brad, I’m doing fine. Why are you calling?”

“Look Annie, you were right, and I just really need to talk to you--”

“Brad, the time for that has passed; you know I’m in New York, I can’t do this right now”

“I’m here in the city, I came here for you. Tell me a place and I’ll come see you,” he rambled trying to convince her. “Please, Annie, I need to do this.”

Leaning back against the elevator wall, she soaked it in. He was in New York. He was there to see her. And if this had happened two months ago, she would have been ecstatic. She wouldn’t hesitate. And yet, prolonged disappointments and neglect tend to numb you in front of these occasions.

“Annie?”

His plea hanged in the air along with another more somber tune. The melody the elevator music switched to felt appropriate, both distant and melancholic. Detached, even.

“It’s always about what you need, Brad,” she sighed softly.

After a moment of silence, “Annie, that isn’t what I meant. I want you to hear this from me, because after everything you deserve it. You deserve it.”

“Please,” he finally added.

“I’ll send you a location,” and with that, she hanged up.

Sighing deeply and now fully awake, she sent him the grocery store address. Might as well finish running her errands. She wasn’t at his beck-and-call anymore. She was her own person. She had places to be. She would not re-arrange her plans for him. He’d since lost that privilege.

Pressing a button on the side of the elevator, she let the doors slide open, and walked towards the exit.

There was no denying the slight twist in her chest as she crossed the street in front of Dave’s Shop. He’d beg for her forgiveness reopening both of their wounds, she surmised.

Upon entering, she was greeted by the store owner, Dave McCall, a middle-aged, lanky man with a mischievous glint in his eyes. He was the type of person to crack jokes, or hand out candy. Annie had fallen in love with the grocery store mostly due to the simple, yet gleeful atmosphere its owner perspired. It made her feel normal and reminded her of the good in people.

“Good evening, Dave.”

“Hello, Annie, how are you this fine evening?”

“All right, I guess. Busy” she said smiling, and held up her grocery list.

“Ah,” he nodded approvingly, “I guess that’s something I can help with.”

“Yeah, do you have any fresh bread left over?”

“Let me check in the back, you know New Yorkers...,” he trailed off, moving to the back.

She wasn’t sure where his train of thought was leading him, but she began to look for her usual items. Packing them onto the front counter, she waited for him to reappear with her usual order of baked items.

“There you go, will that be all?”

“Yeah, that’s everything for tonight.”

He ringed her items up and she payed. With a charming smile, and crinkled eyes he waved at her on her way out.

Once on the street, she let her nerves tug her towards a bench where she sat. She understood New York had a traffic issue. And not knowing where Brad was staying, she decided to give him the benefit of doubt.

Not even five minutes later, she saw him approaching and cross the street on his way towards her. She immediately stood.

“Annie,” he came to a stop a few feet from her. “Thank you so much for agreeing to see me.”

She only nodded, while he moved his feet about.

After a few moments of awkward silence, she cleared her throat, “Listen, I really--”

“I’m so sorry Annie.”

She stood still and cautiously listened.

He looked at her in her eyes. “I was such a jerk, and I shouldn’t have ever blamed you for it all. That was me deflecting, and not believing I could ever push you away.”

“Brad.”

“I truly blame myself for it all. You’re amazing, Annie. Brilliant. And I’m not even talking about your powers, or even you being part of the Seven, though that is incredible. I’m talking about just Annie. Just you and your kindness, your resiliency, your strength. You always see the good in people, and you truly do want to help people. Saying you’re brilliant doesn’t even scratch the surface. You’re genuine, and you carry a light...” he trailed off, “so bright, I’m glad so many more people can see it.”

He continued, “And I took it for granted, couldn’t really see the damage I was doing to us until you had to end it.”

Letting his eyes fall to the ground, he cleared his throat and finally said it, “I regret it.”

Annie felt herself get choked up with emotions that hadn’t surfaced in a long time. She collected herself and spoke up, “Brad why are you here, exactly. What was the point of reliving this.”

He moved a step closer. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I just don’t. But I did want you to hear what I had to say-- what I’ve come to realize. You deserve it-- to be told just how incredible you are.”

She smiled bitterly, as her inner turmoil threatened to manifest in the form of tears. She kept them at bay. Time had passed, she shouldn’t feel this way-- and so strongly, too.

“Annie, I got a small apartment here. I signed for a month...” he seemed unsure on whether he should proceed. “If you want me to leave, I will, I swear. But I thought we could try again. Y’know I could move here, and we could start back at the beginning.”

She looked at him long and hard.

“Of course, if you disagree I will respect that, and you will never hear from me again. It’s up to you, Annie. I just don’t want to ever lose you like that again... but I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have, either.”

Tired and feeling vulnerable, she wrapped her arms around herself, swinging slightly from side to side. A part of her didn’t want to forgive him, it wanted to hurt him inside. And yet, she realized it also meant self-inflicted pain, fresh wounds on top of their already brutal break-up. They’d loved each other in a very truthful way. He’d strayed, and forgotten what they were, what they had.

Nevertheless, he’d remembered when she’d finally left.

He was important to her, just as she was important to him. Maybe he’d truly changed. Annie deeply wanted it to be so.

Watching him with softening eyes, she finally made an offer.

“How about we talk about this tomorrow? We can go grab something to eat in the afternoon.”

He immediately lightened up. It may have been an extremely small, almost non-existent progress to some, but it was still a step forward to him.

“Sure, that’s perfect. If you have a place in mind you can text me a time and address and I’ll be ready”

“Okay, I might be late. Things tend to pop up at the last minute--”

“No worries, I’ll wait for you.”

“All right.” She gave him the first genuine smile of the night and he tried to print it into his memory. He’d been so foolish: she was brilliant in every way.

“All right.” He nodded his head towards her and started moving backwards, “Good night.”

“Good night, Brad.”

She could see his big, goofy smile as he turned around and headed off in the direction he’d come from, a certain energy in his step.

“Annie! You never told me you were in the business of making soap operas,” a voice exclaimed.

Twisting around, she saw Dave closing up shop. At her blank stare, he proceeded with what he was saying.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to butt it, but I was kinda stuck in the store. Didn’t want to ruin your moment, y’know.”

Her features immediately relaxed, and she laughed lightly.

“I’m sorry we held you up, and I’m so sorry you had to see that”

“No worries, dear. He seemed sincere,” he thought out loud. “I don’t know what he did, just make sure he respects you, treats you right.”

“Oh that’s a given. I think he’s learned his lesson, though.”

Dave shook his head lightly, chuckling.

“Well, I’m off. Do you need help?”

Lifting all of her heavy groceries without any apparent difficulty, he raised his hands, “Of course, forgot about that detail. I think I might actually slow you down.”

“Thanks anyway, Dave, I’ll be seeing you in a week.”

“Anytime, dear.” He hopped into his car. It started it with some questionably dark fumes rising, and he was off.

Annie started walking back, forgetting her surroundings, the bags in hand, her own tiredness. All she could do was fixate on Brad, and his words. The tired look in his eyes mirrored her own, had the break-up really weighed on him as much as it had on her? Was he sincere? Like Dave said, he did seem truthful.

Finally back at the Tower, she pushed the thoughts away. She’d deal with them later, after a long and refreshing night of sleep. Once she’d packed her groceries into the fridge, she could do nothing but sigh at the sight of her soft, warm bed.

g.e.

#the boys #the boys amazon #amazon prime #annie january #starlight #ex boyfriend #fanfiction #one-shot #the boys tv #the boys comic

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1-racha · 5 years

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Don’t Leave - Three (Bang Chan Wolf!AU)

Things are starting to pick up now. i hope you enjoy this chapter sorry it took so long. I don’t have a schedule for this yet but just know i will usually post around 10:30 pm GMT

Summery: What will happen when y/n comes across a wolf pack? will love survive? will they survive?

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Fluff, Implied Smut

Words: 1332

One | Two | Three

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

We arrive at the house and Felix rushes in yelling at me to hurry. My mind is still confused on the information Felix gave me and at this point I’m on autopilot while my head catches up on everything.

“FELIX! Did you get her?” Woojin comes running around the corner visibly relaxing once he sees me. He grabs my arm and leads me upstairs to the back of the house stopping in front of Chris’s door that has plates pilled up outside. Woojin stops turning towards me before sighing. “ok all we need is for you to go inside and get him to eat something.” I look at him with wide eyes. Eat something? Has Chris not been eating?

“What do you mean? What’s going on?” I question narrowing my eyes at the plates on the floor. “Well he’s not come outside his room and hasn’t eaten in weeks. We’re really worried about him and you’re the only one that will be able to talk to him. He doesn’t let any of us inside let alone talk.” I furrow my eyebrows at him.

“What makes you think he’ll want to talk to me? I don’t think he likes me very much although Felix says otherwise but I don’t believe a thing that comes out of that kids mouth.” I ramble on before Woojin grabs my shoulders making me look up at him. “Just try I can promise you he will talk to you” he turns me to the door, knocking on the door before walking away quickly.

“FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON’T WANT FOOD, I DON’T WANT TO TALK, I JUST WANT Y/N!” Chris yells from inside the room. At his outburst I rush inside shocking the boy inside. “What the hell are you talking about Chris?” I sternly speak not wanting the situation to get out of hand. He stands up quickly sputtering out my name, walking closer and then stopping.

“y/n? w-what are you doing here” he stutters out avoiding eye contact completely. I roll my eyes before walking closer to him. He stumbles back a bit still looking down. “Chris, it Is 2 in the morning and I’m tired. Why aren’t you eating the boys are worried about you and so am I” I question trying to make eye contact, but he just stares at the floor looking guilty. “ I – I y-you need to leave y/n you can’t be here.” He stutters out turning towards his desk leaning on it sighing heavily. “I understand you don’t want me here but please eat something I’m really worried” I sigh but Chris whips his head around staring at me wide eyed. “you think I don’t want you here?” he asks visibly shocked. I furrow my eyebrows at him before replying.

“Its kind of obvious isn’t it? You haven’t talked to me in weeks. I’m sorry if I annoyed you or offended you, I just wanted to be friends.” I look down turning to the kitchen to get Chris something to eat and leave. He follows me and watches as I make him something curiosity in his eyes. Once I place the plate in front of him, I turn to leave but he grabs my arm preventing me from leaving.

“y/n I don’t want you to think I don’t like you. It’s the opposite I – I really like you actually” he mummers out shyly rubbing the back of his neck. “why did you avoid me then?” I question as he loosens his grip. “I’m sorry I just have some stuff I’m dealing with it was stupid avoiding you I’m sorry can you forgive me?” he asks hopeful. I smile at him before nodding. “of course, Chris don’t do it again and eat some damn food!” I scold him and he laughs before bidding me goodbye. I lean in and kiss his cheek turning away and heading home. I miss the way Chris freezes in shock, realisation hitting him, and he runs back to his room locking it.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

Its been a few days since I went to see Chris and I haven’t heard any updates from anyone. I sigh stretching my arms above my head. At this rate I won’t be able to finish my work, my thoughts never drifting from Chris. After his confession I started to realise my feelings for him that I’ve developed over a very short period. My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing loudly. I groan reaching for it and answering. Before I could get a syllable out Felix Is yelling through the phone.

“Y/N? Y/N? YOU NEED TO HIDE IN YOUR DORM AND LOCK THE DOOR DON’T LET ANYONE IN! THE BOYS AND I ARE COMING NOW WAIT UNTIL WE GET THERE, WE WILL GET YOU TO SAFETY JUST DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!” before I could reply he had hung up on me leaving me confused and scared I run to my door locking it and stand a good distance away. I have no idea what Felix was yelling about, but it sounded serious. Before I could spiral into thoughts of what Felix was warning me for, I hear a knock on my door making me freeze.

“Y/n? hey its Chris can you let me in?” I relax before heading to the door unlocking and opening it. Before I could greet Chris he’s pushing me back into my room and onto my bed. I gasp at him my eyes wide.

“C-Chris w-what are you d-doing?” I stutter out as he smirks above me standing straight.

“Oh, Babygirl don’t get shy on me hmm I know you want this. You want me, don’t you?” he starts making his way toward me as I move up further in the bed. What’s going on with him he’s not usually like this.

“Baby why wont you admit how much you want me? Want me to use you? Hmm would you like me to use your cunt to my liking? I bet you would I can smell you babygirl so wet huh.” I clench my thighs at his words. He’s being unbelievably sexy right now, but something feels off about him like he’s not quite himself.

Before my thoughts go any further Woojin bursts into my room grabbing Chris and holding him back. Chris lets out a deep growl breaking out of his grip. The rest of the guys pile in holding Chris back but even with 7 boys holding him they struggle trying to keep him away. Felix runs to me grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the dorm complex. As he is pulling me into his car, I can hear growling and howling from inside getting louder.

Felix drives off in the direction of the frat house. As I sit in shock what the hell just happened? We arrive at the house and he rushes my inside. Just as we enter the door slams open with Chris seething in anger. Before he can move the other boys are forcing him into what looks like a basement. I try to follow behind worried, but Felix holds me back shaking his head. Eventually they get him tamed as I can’t hear anymore growling. They all walk back up exhausted looking apologetically Woojin being the last one up. He looks at me sighing motioning for me to sit down as the rest follow. “I suppose we need to tell you what’s going on” he chuckles “It would be helpful” I reply sitting down next to Hyunjin. “Well we are a wolf pack. All 9 of us are Wolf Hybrids the world is full of different types of hybrids and mythical creatures, but we don’t expose ourselves. The last time we did there was massacres.” Woojin explains slowly letting me adjust to the new information. I sit shocked suddenly getting flashbacks of memories I don’t remember.

“Hybrids?” I ask, everyone nods as I shake my head getting back to reality.

“I need to phone Irina”

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thoughtdumpshitposts · 3 years

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Emotional Breakdowns Lead To Passably Poetic Ramblings

26.06.21

word count: 2.15K

I never write because I need everything I write to be evocative. I need it to be painful. What's the point of writing something if the reader doesn't hurt? It hurt me to write this, and I hope it hurts you to read.

I've always imagined putting my thoughts into words, but I don't know if I want them to be on paper or my phone. Digital is easy, it's good, it's clean. It's easy to edit, to navigate, to save; it'll probably live on forever. It won't erode and disappear like the writing journal I had for six years, eaten away by the same termites who ate my entire closet from the inside. His name was Reggie, and he deserved better. I'd kept him safe in the closet, but I learnt too late that nothing was safe in the closet. Nothing physical, existing is ever safe from the World and it's beasts – Man or insect.

But paper is personal, it's real. It's beautiful. Sure, sometimes my brain and heart think of words faster than my hands can keep up, and the words are barely legible and my hand-writing's not pretty anyway, but that's the beauty of it. That's what makes it mine. But someone I know can stumble upon these words and read the truth of my existence. But maybe I want them to stumble upon it, one day. Maybe I want them to find my words and understand, really understand, who I was and what I am and what I kept locked up inside of me. That I wasn't some selfish, ill-mannered brat. That I really loved them, but sometimes it was hard. My mother always tells me no one can ever trust anyone but family, that even if she screams and shouts and scolds at first, at the end of the day she'll always have my back, and I know that's the truth.

But my cousin molested my other cousins and I, and she cried when she found out after years because she had to hear it from the other side of the family, and she cried because she'd told me so many times that she'll always have my back if something like that happened to me and she keeps saying family and family and family, and trust and trust and trust and how family is my parents and brothers and that's all we can ever trust but how do I tell her that the reason I said nothing when my cousin did it was because I was used to staying silent when my brother did? It's all so funny because I was blessed enough to have been born to parents who would never blame me for being abused in a society in which the blame- and shame-game is prevalent, but what do you do when the victim is your daughter and the abuser is your son – your firstborn, the first "nawasa" in the family, your pride and joy, the prince charming. You've loved him for seven more years than you've loved me. I understand. You don't deserve to suffer the truth. I saw how you were when you found out the truth about the cousin, I remember the things you said about family and trust. I know you have your own issues. You don't deserve to suffer. You don't. I love you all. So much. So so much. I won't let you suffer. I won't let you be the collateral to his sins. I'll protect you, and you'll never know.

And I'm okay, so why would I say anything? When we're happy and whole and great? Why would I say anything when I'm actually, genuinely fine and unaffected? Why would I ruin us? How could I say anything? And I'm fine, I really am. I'm okay. And I know my friends think I'm gaslighting myself when I say that I'm fine and it hasn't effected me much and it wasn't that bad because I was never actually physically hurt, but it's true. I'm used to laughing and loving the people I hate. I'm used to hating the people I love without an ounce of real hatred. I know what it sounds like, but it really isn't that way. It's okay. I'm okay, and no one should worry, even if sometimes I want everyone to worry. Even if sometimes I want everyone's pity and attention and love and sympathy, and I want them to hurt for me, like I hurt for the people I love. Sometimes I just want validation, I want people to know everything so they understand me. But everyone wants to be understood, so that's nothing special. I'm okay, and that is the only thing what matters.

I wasn't raped; I was molested. There's a difference.

I wasn't raped, and honestly I only remember a few instances with clarity. Everything else is a blur – it's all just snippets and flashes of memory spun together to make a vague, dramatic montage. But I wasn't ever physically hurt, and of course I know that it was still terrible and horrible and I didn't deserve it, but understand that it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I'm fine and genuinely, actually okay and I'm only affected when I have a mental breakdown, but that's almost always because I'm pms-ing. And it hasn't happened in a while now. It stopped. I think it's been four years? And it happened for five? six? I was 9 or 10 when it started? And he was 16 or 17? Okay, that – Oh, God oh fuck that sounds bad doesn't it? I'm 18. My younger brother is 10. I couldn't imagine– I can't. God.

But it actually wasn't as bad as it sounds. I was asleep – of course I wasn't asleep (but I think sometimes I must've been? I don't know) – but I was "asleep" when he did what he did. And he did do a lot, to be honest. His hands, everywhere on me. His mouth – everywhere. His–

Why is it so hard to write? I think it's harder to write than it is to think and speak of it.

But I don't know what happened to me. I don't know. I don't remember what happened. I wish I'd kept a better record, but I didn't. Oh, I remember a lot of things that happened, but I don't remember it all. I wish I did but I really don't. I wish I could read and revisit and do a shitty psychoanalysis of him. But I can't, and now he's the only one who knows what really happened, and I'll have to live with it.

There were no words. Never any words, never any pain. So again, I'm fine, and I'm okay. And he's great and fun and funny and I love him and I care about him and I'm always joking with him and he's a terrible person and I hate him and I wish I knew how his brain works and what he was thinking and still thinks and I'll never forgive him, but it's okay. It's really okay. As long as I was the only one who suffered. As long as I'm the only one who continues to suffer for my silence.

I think the only reason I still think about it so much is because I never got closure. I never got an explanation. I never understood why. I don't know if he's an irredeemable monster or if he at least feels guilty. I don't know what he was thinking, because there were never any words. And I'm glad there weren't any words and I was "asleep" because it makes it easier to interact with him and pretend it never happened, that it was someone else and everything's still okay.

But there were never any words, so I don't have anything to work with. Nothing to draw conclusions from, nothing to psychoanalyze him with. I don't know what he was thinking, I don't know what happened. I want closure, I want to understand. But I'm scared of whatever will lead up to the conversation, and the conversation itself. I'm scared of the acknowledgment and how it'll change everything irrevocably. I'm scared of getting closure, but I need it too. I need to understand.

Did you feel bad? Did you think of how it'll hurt me? Did it hurt you? Or were you indifferent to it all? Did you just not care or –fuck–was it some big joke? Was it funny? Was it amusing? Do you feel entitled to me? How fucking dare you? How could you? How fucking could you? You loved me. You were great to me, you still are sometimes. You're my big brother, man. I loved you. I love you. You were supposed to be my hero and I fucking swear to God you were. What the fuck happened to you? What made you this way? How could you do that to me? How could you do that and still look at me in the fucking eye? How? Why? I deserve to know.

But please don't tell me. I don't know what I'll do if I find out the extent of your monstrosity. I don't want you to fall even lower. I like to think you can't, but I know that's not true. Especially after what I learnt about Z- There's always room to fall.

But anyway – Reggie. I'd been brave enough to write a chapter of my life for the first time in that journal. It was the last story Reggie got to know. I'd never been brave enough to actually write about how I'd been hurt. I could never even write his name when I tried to make a record of what I went through – I was always smart (or sentimental?) enough to try and and keep a record, some proof, dated and organized. I was smart enough – but not brave. Maybe because my coping mechanism was pretending he was two different people, or maybe because writing it would make it real; I'd lived long enough without acknowledging it (even more so without understanding it), maybe if I ignored it long enough it would just go away. But the story I wrote in it wasn't even about that exactly. It was an older story; It was about how all of it might've been my fault. About how maybe I was always a fucked up child. But the story also brings me comfort – it reminds me that I've always been me, that the person I am today is because of the person I always was. That there was no influence that made me this way. I am what I was.

The termites consuming Reggie also reminded me of the old Islamic story about how the Boycott of Banu Hashim ended – the parchment holding the banishment declaration by the Meccans had been eaten by termites, except for the word Allah – the name of God. I thought it'd be interesting if this was God's way of sending me some message I have yet to decipher.

But I don't believe in God. Maybe life would've been easier if I did; if I could have found peace in He who I could not see, could not touch. If I could've found the same relief that my friends and family find in His words, His presence.

But I never felt His presence. I tried, I really did (maybe I didn't, maybe I should've tried harder?). During my last try, I made the resolution to offer all my prayers one Ramadan. I thought if I manage to nail down all the worship obligations, actual faith might follow somehow.

I lasted two days. I cried on the prayer mat during Fajr both times, like my mother does all the time, but I doubt it was for the same reasons as her, or lead to the same result. I did not feel at peace, and I did not feel seen and heard by the Creator; I had never felt more alone, more abandoned. My heart did not feel a little less heavy; it had never felt heavier.

I cried because I was desperate the cycle wouldn't repeat. I wanted to believe there was someone who could make it stop, someone who could make sure that others didn't follow in his footsteps. It did stop, eventually. But I think that's just how it was supposed to be – not because some deity cared enough to make it stop. He doesn't care about us, but if you don't agree with that, I envy you. I wish I believed what you believe.

But I'm also glad I don't. So I will just exist, till one day I don't. And you won't remember me, and He won't care, and no one will greet me at the Gates of Heaven or throw me in the depths of Hell, because neither exist.

I hope.

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