#had this ready for a while and was thinking of not posting it bec i don't really want to add fuel to the fire

[petit-papillion]

Salty Post Warning

Winning after overtaking the leader in WDC standings (who has already won 6 races and will go on to win 9 more this season) three times and driving the last 10 laps with the throttle stuck: 9.6

Winning after overtaking the leader in WDC standings & winner of the previous 9 races when that driver's car had a brake stuck that led to him to retire a lap later, and your competitive team mate was told to hold position behind you, so no one actually challenged you all race: 10

I know these rankings are always controversial, but it also reminded me of just how high people's expectations of Charles are. Better in all 3 FPs than his teammate, qualified P5 but finished P2, fastest lap, and still only 7.8. Max didn't even race and got a 7.2. Make it make sense.

#also alex?? #wth #i know i know appendicitis comeback #but seriously a ten? #anyway just had to get it off my chest #back to normal programming #charles leclerc #carlos sainz #australian gp 2024 #austria gp 2022 #f1 driver rankings #had this ready for a while and was thinking of not posting it bec i don't really want to add fuel to the fire #but also feel i can't ignore all the negativity thrown toward charles & us lecfosi right now

[ode2rin]

it's all me, just don't go

pairing. itoshi rin x gn!reader

genre. post-argument, hurt/comfort this time (^o^) | fluff too actually (?)

warnings. swearing, and probably a lil ooc rin .. well he's a bit of a loser here (i like loser men) this is also not proofread basically wrote it on a whim T_T i also listened to "afterglow" by taylor swift while writing hehe so it's a bit inspired to that

note. it's the part 2 of this | i'm supposed to be figuring this whole platform out but instead made a part 2 of the rin fic bec he got me in chokehold istg

before you could make up your mind, you felt the door knob twisting, startling you. you froze, heart pounding against your chest. as the door swung open, it revealed a distraught rin hastily trying to wear his coat.

your eyes locked with his, and for a moment, you were both suspended in time.

itoshi rin was not known for being a man of many words, but for you, he rehearsed every possible apology he could think of as he’ll search for you in every street around. he would’ve apologized a hundred times over if it meant you would return home to him. if you’re not ready to come home with him, he’ll leave you alone. he’ll leave the apartment, if it means you’ll stay where he knows you’re safe. he’ll tell you he’ll be good for you. fuck, he’ll be the best for you. he would have changed his ways, toned down his ego, anything to prove his love to you. he’ll tell you anything, just please, for the love of whatever divine forces watching over him, please come home.

he prepared a lot to say, a lot to make up for. he never prepared for a staring contest with you right now. rin’s hands ached to hold you. he wants – needs to fucking hold you so close, feel your warmth and know that you were still his. but every thought and intention he had practiced vanished in the face of your presence, leaving him at a loss for words.

rin saw the hurt in your eyes, and he couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt in his chest. he had hurt you, and seeing the pain written so plainly on your face made him ache inside.

but the hurt in you was no longer remnants of the argument you had, it was because of your lover standing in front of you right now.

as rin’s eyes met yours, you noticed that his eyes were slightly red-rimmed and there was a streak of dried tears in his cheeks.  at the realization that rin had been crying, you felt your heart lay down in pieces. you knew how rin’s mind tends to jump into the brinks of overthinking. he must’ve thought you’re never coming back, hence him leaving the apartment and going after you.

the sight of him was far from what the world thought about itoshi rin. this was no egoist. 

no, this was a man, vulnerable and afraid, his heart laid bare for you to see. 

and in that moment, you knew, no longer a shred of doubt clouding your mind, that you definitely seen past beyond his walls.

you wasted no time breaking the suffocating silence that enveloped you both, your voice low and small as you uttered a timid “hi.” you couldn't bear to look into rin's eyes, instead opting to cast your gaze downward as you tried to form coherent sentences. “i'm sorry for leaving,” you managed to say, your words strained with regret. “i just needed some fresh air, and i thought maybe you wanted some time alone. i'm sorry–”

before you could continue, rin's towering frame engulfed you in a tight embrace. you felt his arms wrap around you protectively, and you couldn't help but lean into him. "you have nothing to apologize for, it was on me," rin murmured, his voice soft and laced with guilt. he wondered why the hell were you even apologizing when you had done nothing wrong but love him, despite being a huge asshole.

you were about to reply, but rin beat you to it, his words tumbling out in a jumbled mess. "i'm so fucking sorry, baby. i didn't mean any of the shit i told you. i'm sorry i hurt you. i lashed out at you for things you never did, and i took it out on you because i was scared over something so fucking lukewarm." you could hear the sniffling between his words, but you didn't mention it, instead burying your face further into his chest as he held you tighter.

rin's grip on you intensified, as if he was afraid he'd lose you if he let go. he took your silence as a cue to cradle your face in his palms and press your foreheads together, his warm breath fanning across your face.

“i’m sorry. i’ll be good to you, y/n. just please, don’t leave..” me. rin couldn't bring himself to say it, the mere thought of losing you driving him to the brink of madness.

he closed his eyes, unwilling to see your face and see a trace of rejection or any thought of you leaving him. for a moment, it felt like rin couldn't even breathe. the silence between you was again suffocating, and he knew he needed to hear something, anything. "please, y/n. say something," he implored, desperation evident in his tone.

“open your eyes, rinnie” at the sound of his nickname rolling off your lips, he hesitantly opened his eyes to look at you. 

glad he did, because you’re smiling. 

it took one smile. one fucking smile from you, and itoshi rin felt he can breathe again. 

“will you let me let you go?” 

“fuck no.”

you let out a small chuckle at the speed of his answer, all with his familiar snarky voice. you placed your hands in his cheeks and you can see the relief wash over rin's face at the gesture. 

he looks at you as if you're his lifeline, and in this moment, you are.

“you better not. because i’m not going anywhere, rin.” you say, your voice filled with conviction.

“i'm never letting you go,” he whispers, his eyes still locked onto yours.

you both stay like that, wrapped in each other's arms, basking in the warmth of your embrace. for the first time in a while, everything feels right.

tomorrow, you know there will be more apologies and a lot of talking. tomorrow, both of you will try harder to be better for each other. and tomorrow, hand in hand, you and rin will face whatever lies ahead.

but tonight, both of you will let your fragile hearts hold on to each other and your frantic minds to be at peace in each other’s arms. tonight, itoshi rin will spend every second convincing himself that you’re his to love and here to stay. tonight, he will love you better.

#☁️ my ode to you #blue lock #bllk #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #itoshi rin x reader #itoshi rin #itoshi rin x y/n #blue lock imagines #bllk imagines #blue lock fluff #itoshi rin fluff #blue lock x reader fluff #itoshi rin x reader fluff #pls take it easy on me i'm new here and i don't know shit #i'll cry

[stardew-requests]

Can I get headcanons for the Bachelors and a pregnant farmer? ((Or a link to a post that you've made about the same thing that I really feel like you've made that I still can't remember))

Nothing makes my heart happier than the Stardew bachelors as dads! Thanks for the request Anon!

This one's long post! I put it under the cut!

Alex: In some regard, he still views himself as a teenager, so upon learning that the farmer was pregnant he had a moment of panic. Okay, it was more than just a moment. "What are we going to do? My grandma's going to be so disappointed!" He'd say, pacing back a forth. The farmer would just shake their head. "Alex, we're married. I don't think it'll be much of a scandal". It took some time to really register that he was going to be a father, but when it finally clicked a few weeks in, he begins to get excited. He takes initiative on prepping the nursery and goes above and beyond with helping on the farm. At his core, he's determined to be that father he never had; the one that every kid deserves.

Elliott: He is extremely attentive, almost excessively. Every need, every craving, every appointment or exam, he's there without hesitation. The farmer never has to doubt whether or not he'll be there, because he was fully involved from the moment they told him they were expecting. It had always been a dream of his to be a father, and it had finally come to fruition. So he was there for every moment of the pregnancy, good and bad. And the moment he held that baby for the first time? No painting or song or any piece of art was ever as beautiful as that moment.

Harvey: Being a doctor, Harvey was completely ready, medically speaking. However, no amount of medical school or field work could've prepared him for the intense emotions that overcame him the moment he found out he was going to be a father. Pure joy flooded over him, but also crippling worry. What if he panicked during the delivery? What if something went wrong? How could he live with himself if something did go wrong and he wasn't able to help? The farmer, while worried to a lesser degree, became the rock he needed to be both an attentive doctor and a caring husband. And, of course, he excelled at both. 

Sam: Poor Sam didn't see this one coming. The pregnancy was a surprise, and the farmer was overjoyed, but Sam had no idea how to react at first. Of course he was ecstatic; he'd often daydream of being a father. Taking care of Vincent all those years had given him a real paternal touch. But he was also nervous. What would his mom say? Would his dad be disappointed in him? Would he grow apart from his friends? The situation took some getting used to, but after he overcame the initial shock he let the excitement take over. He went to every single checkup with the farmer and bought LOADS of baby things to prepare the nursery. And you believe he absolutely spoils that baby. 

Sebastian: In his younger years, Sebastian fully believed he never wanted to be a father. He didn't think he was cut out for it. But after meeting the farmer, the idea began to grow on him. He liked the idea of being a stay-at-home dad on the farm. So when the farmer told him the news, he immediately knew he was ready to fall right into the role. Not having his own dad around (and the coldness he received from Demetrius all his life) made him dead-set on being the most attentive and loving man he could be. For both the baby and the farmer.

Shane: Shane had convinced himself that he'd never get that chance to be a father, with the exception of Jas of course, and he'd come to terms with that long ago. It was only after recovery and the blooming relationship with the farmer that he dared to imagine the possibility of a child of his own. When the time came that the farmer told him of their pregnancy, they were worried that he wouldn't react well. Though he'd come a long way in his recovery, he was still fragile. But the farmer wouldn't have guessed that he'd bury his head in his hands and become choked up. "Shane?" They'd ask carefully, worried he was going to break down. But he just shakes his head, looks up at the farmer, and says "I'm so happy".

#stardew valley #stardew valley bachelors #sdv bachelors #sdv #sdv alex #sdv elliott #sdv harvey #sdv sam #sdv sebastian #sdv shane #sdv alex x farmer #sdv elliot x farmer #sdv harvey x farmer #sdv sam x farmer #sdv sebastian x farmer #sdv shane x farmer #sdv ask blog #sdv x farmer #stardew valley ask blog #stardew valley headcanons #sdv headcanon requests

[prettymeredith]

Meredith's Personal Top 5 All Time Kinky Fantasies

*The following 5 items are fantasies of mine that I think about all the time. They frequently pop into my head, with persons, settings, and other details changing but the general concept remaining the same.

*Keep in mind that these are all fantasies I have yet to do IRL, and would like to do them someday in my personal life. Note, fantasies that I have had the privilege of doing already do not qualify for this list.

5. Getting Locked in a Dog Cage

To me, there is just something so hot about being tied up and locked in a cage like I'm being put away like some kind of object. There is something poetic about having both rope and steel to keep me in place because in truth only one is needed. Its overkill, but I like it.

I want the open room I'm in to become distant looking beyond the bars in my now small footprint. I want to be ignored and walked passed while my superior gets ready, then proceeds to leave the house for a couple of hours; leaving me with just my thoughts.

Alternatively the cage can become sort of a display case for me, where I become like a piece art to be looked at or to be mocked and photographed like some kind of exotic zoo animal.

I do also like the idea of personalized cages, with blankets, stuffiess, and string lights but not as much as the other two examples. Though a cute sign/name plate centered on it would be adorable.

4. Being Tied to a Tree

Ok, so being a damsel in distress thats tied to a tree may be one of the biggest bindage clichés there is out there, but I adore this one. Much like the previous fantasy, I'd love to find myself bound and gaged to a tree and left all alone for a couple of hours. The light threat of discovery of being outdoors just adds that extra thrill.

I want to experience that feeling of my hands being stuck around a trunk while watching my captor walk away with only the sounds of the woods around me. I wonder what I'd think about after being their for an hour, two hours... then what kind of reaction will I have when they come back. What kind of things will I have do in order to be untied... Fun possibilities.

This has to be one of my first fantasies ever. Since I was young I was attracted to the idea of being tied to a tree, before I even knew why yet. I have even practiced some self bondage where I cuffed myself to a tree on seperate occasions but that is a tale for another day or post.

3. Foot Worship on a Park Bench

Ever since I've gotten into female feet in addition to male feet, photo sets and videos of feet and foot worship on a park bench seem like they are everywhere. Again, that outdoor threat of exposure thrill comes into play. Plus it could be fun just to see how many places to do it at before we're ever caught or soon.

I like the symbolism of the person taking up the entire bench while I'm kneeling on the ground. Their feet at the edge of the seat casually keeping an eye out for a jogger or dog walker while I get busy worshipping.

This dynamic is also fun to me with the roles switched, but I think it would be more fun to watch us get caught in this instance and see people's reactions to me having my feet licked. I feel like I'd be petrified while the other person couldn't care less about being watched.

2. Being a Maid Service Sub

Ever hear that question "What would you make me do if I were your slave for a week?" Once you get past all of the sexual and kink stuff, at some point, everyone would give out some form of housework either in one form or another. The focus here is the core of this fantasy for me.

I've always loved the idea of being a service sub. It's so sneakily achievable by acting helping and asking others if there are things you can do for them. Personally I love being a people pleaser on both a social and sexual level, and being told what to do and how to do it is a true turn on for me.

Factor in a maid uniform and it just completes the picture. I out myself clearly as "the help" in addition to becoming a piece of eye candy. Yes I want you to look up my dress as I bend over to clean something, I wonder what the neighbors will think as they catch a glimpse of me moving the trash cans, or what the delivery driver will react when I answer the door.

Mix in kinky tasks in addition to house chores and the fantasy comes full circle for me. It's just another format of being dominated by others. Maybe it begins innocently with me coming over a couple of times a week to help out, and it flourishes from there; I want to see what happens.

1. Tickle Toy for a Couple

To anyone familiar with me or my blog this should really be no surprise. To be a personal tickle toy to a cute couple sounds like more fun than I know how to handle. I love the dynamic of being shared between a man and a woman, and used as an outlet for their emotions as well as a key factor in their foreplay.

As their personal tickle toy, I want to be forced to take on more responsibility. Put me on call to come over whenever they want. Keep me in suspense on what kind of play is going to happen. Am I going to have an orgasm, or be edged and denied repeatedly, or be given orgasm overload? Keep me on my toes.

Generally I'd love this to happen with a guy I already have a crush on but whose already taken, almost like a Cuckqueaning situation. Giving me glimpses of what I could have had but forever tainted and tied with his significant other as well. I want to be jealous of her, yet turned on by her; ravaged by internal conflict. Love that I hate it, hate that I love it.

Not to mention, this could be a gateway to also do every other previously listed fantasy with them as their submissive. However, the tickle play would be what I would crave the most. My body craves the kind of ticklish and verbal abuse that a couple can provide as the coo and use me like a pet.

#tickle community #tickling #tickle blog #tickle kink #tickle #ticklish #tword community

[whentherewerebicycles]

had such a nice weekend in pittsburgh—the city was very cool, bec was a fantastic host, and the games were such a blast. I think it reassured me that I will continue to have fun watching my guys even if the team’s fortunes keep declining. I feel off this morning but I know it’s just a combination of jetlag, the crash you get after a high-emotion fandom experience, my :( feelings about the IUI stuff, and PMS. the good news is 1) I’m back with my pups who I love so much, 2) they are allowing me to snuggle aggressively with them while I’m feeling blue, 3) I have very little on my plate at work today, and 4) my one call can be cameras-off so I don’t need to shower/get ready.

today I am grateful for:

my snuggly dogs

my friends

fandom… what a gift it is to have a hobby that I love so much and derive so much genuine joy and delight from

my beautiful home that I love coming back to

the big beautiful trees in my neighborhood

the morning sunlight through the windows the dayroom which is so beautiful I just stand and look at it for a long time every morning

the low demands of my job which normally are a source of stress but are nice when I’m not feeling so great and need to just kinda take it easy

the fact that our brains are built to spiral but they’re also able to gently pull us back and reframe things and reanchor us

the fact that even though this IUI stuff is expensive I’m in a financial place where I can afford to try again

okay. going to do some thinking about the day and the week but probably in a separate post.

[stagkingswife]

I started this yesterday, but needed to walk away from it for a while before I could finish it…

@a-witch-named-crow, this is a big enough topic that I'm pulling it into it's own post, because I can't imaging fitting it all into a reply. I'm also going to put most of it under the cut, because I'm going be very frank about my chronic pain and my relationship with it, and I know that can be a bit much for some people.

I was diagnosed with CRPS when I was a sophomore in high school, this was long enough ago that it had a different name and the only possible treatment options would have involved taking me out of high school to send me to CHOP, or Mayo, or the Cleveland Clinic for intensive physical therapy in the slim hopes that it would normalize the pain. This really crushed me for a little bit. I was one of those kids who sort of was defined by being a good student, I couldn’t imaging my life if I interrupted school in anyway. I had also been told that I should stop dancing, given that it was likely the cause of the pain, and would surely only make it worse. But I had just been cast as Odette in Swan Lake, I was going into Junior year with a heavy class load, I had been promoted to section leader in the marching band, and I was not ready to slow down.

So I decided at 15 that if there were such slim chances of treatment working I wasn't going to put anything on hold for my pain. At the time it wasn’t too bad, I would have flair ups where it was bad, but a normal day was maybe a 2-3 on the scale. I could manage may life with that. I think that was what really set the stage for my relationship with my pain. Once I decided that I wasn't going to slow down I kind of turned it into a motivator. A lot of things came to be about doing things despite my pain. I took great pride in doing everything my able bodied friends were able to do, and sometimes more, despite my pain. That drove me for about 4 years until I was in college, and the other shoe finally dropped.

When things got really bad my junior year of college and I finally actually sought treatment I was severely depressed and suicidal because of the pain. But luckily I already had the diagnosis, which is usually the hard part, and in the intervening four years the treatment options had really changed. I was finally able to get some treatment, both opioid and non-opioid pain medicine, started physical therapy, bio feedback, acupuncture, the whole 9 yards. But the habit was already there, the relationship had already been formed. I have struggled since with admitting how much pain I’m in, and letting myself take the time I need to really manage it, but I’m so used to letting it push me. I’m better at it now almost 10 years later, but I can still fall back into that habit when I have something like a deadline to meet.

I did also learn how to use my pain in my craft. Around the same time as my pain was getting bad I was really developing my traveling skill with Oisin as my teacher. I found my pain was something that I could use to help me in that. With a lot of practice I was able to sort of let my pain wash over me until I wasn't aware of anything else, and then I could let go of my body easier. It was like I could dive down deep into the pain, go through it, and step out into the Otherworlds. I've gotten so good at this method that on particularly bad pain days I’ve found this method to be incredibly fast. There’s been some struggle over the years with not using this skill to avoid my pain, but it has simultaneously really helped me to shift my mindset about my pain as see it as a useful tool rather than as an adversary or a detriment.

From there I started to think about how else I could use my pain in witchcraft and in my religion. I sling a nasty curse because I share my pain liberally when necessary. But I also have a whole ritual that I undertake as part of my devotion to Brona where I take on some of the pain from others, lighten their load. Because what’s a little more when I know I can manage it?

#pagan #witchcraft #the returning #paganism #astral #chronic illness #chronic pain #crps/rsd #crps

[clickbites]

✧ ˚ · –– YOU READY TO MAKE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR?

the spooky season might be coming up, but the members of rock bottom seem to have the sparks flying all around like cupid's got his arrow aimed right at them!

if you've been feeling the sting of love lately, let it be known you're not the only one...

miss lucy dacus is never beating the being in love with [her] best friend allegations on one miss julien baker's birthday after allegedly having to medicate to get through. it seems as though she wants anyone who isn't the three of them (perhaps the three members of boygenius?) to fuck off and might want to spend time with her best friend aka her home's "face in [lucy's] neck, feeling [their] breath keep[ing] [lucy] grounded" by this ellusive j... could it perhaps be nodding to one julien baker whose birthday was had recently? we think so... but feel free to let us know otherwise, miss dacus!

speaking of sad girls with impeccable vocals from the south, hayley williams has been a bit more blunt about her feelings as of late. it's as simple as her boldly stating "i miss my best friend" just two days ago, with an associated gif presenting her and former alleged flame miss taylor swift noting that it was indeed miss williams that "tore them apart". it appears both tennessee-bred darlings are reminiscing upon their days together, back when head banging dissolved into giggling and kissing, back when all one-another could think about was pretty red lips. unfortunately, it appears both stars think little of their ability to come back together, with doubt rising at every corner. miss swift has stated she wonders if she's now a stranger to the pop punk redhead after spending the night following this year's mtv video music awards in her estranged lover's arms. keep us updated, ladies.

when it comes to pining, it seems as though parker cannon has a certain sweet jada jones looking like the definition of it. in case we need a quick refresher on what pining means: a strong sense of longing or yearning or...posting what if it doesn't end well by chloe moriondo with no other context. we hear you, girl. that one absolutely speaks for itself. i mean, with a line like "another year being your best friend/feels like you always knew me" and then just a little later on, "would you still stay?/what if i fuck it up like i always do?" we can't help but wonder what kind of hoops parker's making he jump through to win his affection. what we do know is that it seems like he often leaves her feeling stupid. when's your not-yet-man gonna finally dedicate to actually being your man, jj?

the summer i turned pretty star christopher briney laid it out for us pretty plainly just yesterday with a gifset from normal people. hey, can we take a second to talk about how heartwrenching that show is? it seems like we're not the only ones marianne and connell have by the neck. the gifset is simple, just the scene in the show where the two main lovers are in the kitchen discussing who connell thinks his best friend is. marianne wonders if it's someone from his friend group and he tells her, quite confidently, that it's her. the gifset ends there, but if you've seen the show a million times like we have, you know that connell gets up to kiss marianne immediately after. it's not tagged for anyone in particular, but if we had to guess? we're linking it to madison beer, who's sweet (but vague) posts about love seem to line up with his.

on the opposite end of the spectrum, while some friends are falling in love, we hear some others might be falling apart. reports say lucy dacus has ended things with a close friend, perhaps a member of a closely linked band who also smooch on stage from time to time, who has feelings for her that she does not reciprocate. in fact, in her words, she says she will never reciprocate. so she’s opted to cut off the friendship entirely. ouch. that one’s a punch to the gut if we’ve ever heard one, pals. based on what we’ve heard, could this perhaps be because lucy’s a little too busy being head over heels for her littlest of bandmates who may or may not be a little stuck thinking about a certain fellow 5 foot nothing ex of hers whom she used to call home and she believes deserves the moon and the stars and hangs up flowers that she bought for this former partner who now has heartburn seeing jb’s name? only time will tell.

tune in later this week for more details on everything going on in the rock bottom sphere, tensions are high as cuffing season comes 'round, exes are pining and situationships are... situationship-ping... give us all the details via your sideblogs, lovelies.

spooky month's just getting started and no one is safe.

xx 👾

#rb.gossip #drugs #death

[mygainyear2024]

Day 0+

The day has finally arrived 🤩 I'm having a pre Prime Time "gain" year (well it’s a 1/4 year experience 😅).  Bec Wilson says Prime Time is the ultimate guide to navigating those juicy, potential filled years in the lead up to retirement.

Originally I called this my gap year, because I never had one after uni, then it quickly became my "gain" year after listening to one of Ben Crowe's podcasts.  I had a different kind of gap year last year...from men, more specifically intimate relationships with men, as I do realise I can't escape the gender completely!  It's been so refreshing, and beneficial emotionally and financially, I’ve extended this into this year too.

In relation to my "gain", I do say "words create worlds"!  With Ben's wise reframe, I'm looking at what's in the "gain", not what's in the "gap"!

The year became a quarter as I spent a little too much $$ refreshing the apartment I bought for Rose to live in while I had the year 🥴 Rose has prime position in the master bedroom with lovely views of Brisbane city from the full floor to ceiling windows, while I've taken up residence in the spare room!  She did say to me "now that you're only going away for 13 weeks Mum do you want me to move out of the master bedroom?"  I said "no, I'll just live in everybody's spare room!"  This might actually come to fruition as I've rented out my spare room until 21st August (and I return on 29th June)...offers anyone?

This trip is 13 weeks, Portugal (9 weeks solo), Spain & Morocco (with Rose meeting me in Madrid).  I took the Barefoot Investor's tip and put an ad on Upwork and found Eva, the lovely Slovenian doctor studying in Portugal, and well networked.  I have a bed every night and I know how I'm getting from one place to the next (bus, train, manual car hire, private transfers and camels!). I've also been following several facebook groups over the last year and I've posted that I'm coming!  I have four women to catch up with when I arrive in Portimão where I'm staying for the first five weeks.  I’ve already called it “home” on the offline maps.me app.

I’ve been pondering the daily questions / moments and activities to ensure I am present to my trip.  Any input gratefully received.

I'm thinking a reset of mind and body is first (I'm going to scale my pain and see how long it takes to dissipate), expanding my connections, having stretch experiences, and get ready for coffee, food and wine porn.

Blaze

0 notes

[garetlomodag]

February 2023: Too fast, too curious

What a month!

I’m surprised I still found time to craft this. Well, I’m doing something new. Instead of just doing it in one go, I decided I will do it in tranches. I will just keep on building on it until I finish the whole thing.

So, waddup February?! If you read my Jan post, you would know how I dread this month. 😂 but going into the whole month, wow did it escalate on a different level lol haha

It’s a month where I got reminded of the things that truly matter to me, and things that are all just fleeting and meaningless.

Don’t get me wrong, I know what matters already. I just wanted to wander and push limits again 🤣, as a stubborn, (feeling) willful person.

I had a lot of mishaps this month actually. From getting wasted (with only a little over a week in!) ➡️ series of catcalls while running (which reminds me, I need to report them) ➡️ crazy, messed up schedules (talk about overlapping appointments for work and personal) ➡️ unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions (good thing it happened discreetly) ➡️ almost ran out of gas #NeverAgain 🥲 ➡️ almost cut people off (bec yikes 🤢🤮)

Didn’t think they’d all lump together this month HAH! But hey, I still had some great stuff this month too! Got to catch up with long time friends ➡️ took a break from unnecessary activities ➡️ fambam time ➡️ took a break from (select) people hehe that did not last long lol ➡️ went on a quick vacay

But in a nutshell I got reminded of/learned these things:

1. Life is fleeting. It’s not about going YOLO, but it’s about living for what truly matters. Cry for the right things. Give more headspace for eternal things. Throw away 🤮🤢

2. People will disappoint — so don’t put them on a pedestal. gaaahhh I always need to be reminded of this. I’m always all-in, so if I trust you, I trust you. But sometimes I forget that we are just humans. And people can change, people can choose to live/think differently. And it’s okay. You can still choose to love them the same.

3. I like clear intentions (in all things, at all times). I only realized now that it matters to me so much. Thanks to running for my aha moment. Now it makes more sense why I always use this line: “simple lang naman ako. Just be upfront with me so I can make informed and sound decisions.” So now that I am more aware, I hope I will choose to veer from anything unclear. Cos honestly, anything puzzling sucks the life out of me.

4. I am not (yet?) ready. This is #TMI, but I got asked several times this month (by some interested, and some random people): “are you ready to get married this year?” My reaction? I got scared..like my heart was about to burst. I didn’t know how to respond and honestly I still don’t know. Hindi ba pwedeng hinay hinay lang? This year agad?! So now, if I get asked again, my next default answer will be: “I will cross the bridge when I get there.”

5. Choosing discipline is hard. It’s not always fun and will-based. Like when I run, sometimes I really need an extra push (literally and figuratively) to get myself off the bed and run like a horse with blinkers.

Some big stuff, February! 28 days felt so jampacked and character-stretching.

Although I must say I am also excited for a few things this March:

1. Even though I feel like I’m lacking time, I am going to push for my 1st run deadline by the end of March. Accckkk so help me God

2. Rebuilding old accountability groups from church and personal circle, but also developing new ones :) Oh so grateful that from season to season, God surrounds me with good and wise counsel. 🙏🏼

3. Once I finish March, I am shifting to another training set for my next 15/21km target. (Lord, pls help me)

Grabe, it’s just month #2 and 2023’s stepping up its game already. 😂🙄 I remember the Death Crawl scene in Facing the Giants movie. I take inspiration from this line: “You’re gonna give me your best.” Aye aye! 10 more! Let’s go!

Watch the scene here: https://youtu.be/SpdLC4RdJTg

[massivedrickhead]

Bechloe Week 2021 - Day 2

July 27th: Bed sharing/one bed

Read on AO3

Fun fact - everything I’ve written/will write for Bechloe week this year are all part of the same universe, but they won’t be posted in chronological order. So at the end of the week I’ll probably put something up with a list of the prompts in chronological order :)

-

Beca was pretty sure that sharing a bed with Chloe Beale was simultaneously the worst and best thing that had ever happened to her.

It was almost unbearable to be that close to her without being able to touch her in the way she really wanted to.

Strike that.

It was unbearable.

But Beca couldn’t sleep any other way.

On those occasions when Chloe would sleep elsewhere, Beca would find herself unable to drop off.

She’d be up most of the night tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable, unable to shut her mind off.

It was as if Chloe’s mere presence could calm Beca in a way that nothing else could.

And then they would have these moments of complete vulnerability late at night.

Chloe would reach out with a featherlight touch and run a hand through Beca’s hair. So gentle that sometimes Beca thought she was imagining it.

“Bec?”

“Hmm?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“M’kay.”

Beca would roll over, still practically asleep, and lift her arm, allowing Chloe to either scoot back into her - making Beca the big spoon - or for her to rest her head on her chest.

Beca was usually already asleep by the time Chloe had gotten into a comfortable position, but she always seemed to register the soft “thanks,” that Chloe would whisper.

On those nights when it was Beca’s turn to be comforted, Chloe seemed to always know without Beca having to ask.

Logically, Beca knew it was probably down to the fact that Beca tossed and turned more, or played on her phone for longer, that tipped Chloe off, but she liked to think that Chloe just… knew.

“What do you need?” Chloe would ask, her voice quiet and thick with sleep.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Can you do the hair thing?”

“Mhm.”

Chloe would then lie on her side and gently run her hands through Beca’s hair, her nails lightly scratching her scalp.

Her other hand would rest on Beca’s side or stomach - depending on if she was on her back or side - and her thumb would sweep gently back and forth.

In the daylight, neither would mention these moments. They’d usually wake up back on their respective sides, and if they didn’t whoever woke up first would pull away and climb out of bed - usually waking the other in the process.

And while these moments were nothing short of tortuous for Beca, they were still the favourite part of her day.

Because at two or three in the morning, nothing else matters. There are no distractions. No texts or emails to answer. No potential to be interrupted. Nowhere they needed to be.

They could just exist in the quiet together. Their bed was an island in the room. They could ask questions that, in the cold light of day, could be forgotten or ignored. They could share secrets or confess insecurities that neither would at any other time of day.

“Bec, do you believe in soulmates?”

“I don’t know. I think so. Do you?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

-

“If I hadn’t kissed Jesse, do you think things would be different?”

“Different how?”

“I don’t know. Just different. I dated him throughout all of college, maybe I missed experiencing some things?”

“Do you regret dating him so long?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

-

“Chlo’?”

“‘Yeah?”

“What if I don’t make it as a producer? What if I’m not good enough?”

“You’re the most talented person I know. You’ll make it.”

-

Over the years of being best friends with Chloe, she’d always had a crush on her. It had been a harmless thing really, she assumed everyone had a crush on Chloe.

Especially after a drunken confession to Aubrey had caused the blonde to let out a snort of laughter and say “girl, same.”

But this last year or so that they’d spent sharing a bed - sharing more of themselves with each other than they’d ever done before - Beca had fallen hard and fast and completely in love with Chloe.

Which, let’s be honest, wasn’t an ideal situation. Especially considering that, about three weeks ago, Chloe had started dating Chicago.

“He rescued us from the Med, Beca. I think I owe him a date.”

“Technically Amy and I rescued you. He turned up after the hard bit was done.”

Wearing a new dress and her highest heels, Chloe had thrown Beca a wink and said “don’t wait up!” as she left their apartment to meet him for the third time this week.

Once the door closed, Beca flopped back dramatically on the bed and let out a groan.

“You know you could tell her!” Amy called from her bedroom. “Actually, ignore that, that’s a bad idea. If she turned you down it would make our living situation way more awkward.”

“When not if,” Beca said, miserably. “Have you seen the abs on Shit-ago?”

(Yes, her nickname for Chicago was unnecessarily mean and childish, but give her a break.)

“If Chloe hadn’t accepted the date I would have climbed him like a tree,” Amy said.

“You could save me a lot of pain if you’d use those millions of dollars you have to move out so I could at least have my own room,” Beca said.

Amy left her room and was also looking dressed up for a night out.

“I’m doing you a favour captain,” Amy said. “If I move out you’ll have no excuse to share a bed anymore, and I know you can’t sleep without her. Besides, when she eventually moves in with Chicago, you won’t be able to afford the rent on your own.”

“Please don’t use his real name, it humanises him,” Beca said. “And what makes you think she’d move in with him? Has she said anything?”

“Not specifically, no. But things are obviously going well between them. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that Chloe has found ‘the one’,” Amy said. “So, you know, if you’re going to make a confession of love, time’s ticking.” She checked her phone. “I gotta go. If you are going to comfort eat please leave my Ben & Jerry’s out of it.”

“I make no promises,” Beca said.

“Hmm, due to your pathetic state, I’ll let you off. See you tomorrow!”

Beca spent the remainder of her night feeling sorry for herself, and making some truly self-indulgent mixes.

There were so many songs about unrequited love that Beca was never short of material, and when she finished she saved them in a hidden password-protected so no-one else could even accidentally listen to them.

No, these mixes weren’t going to help her career but they did make her feel at least a little bit better.

The crying and eating Amy’s ice-cream had helped too of course.

Beca was in bed by the time Chloe got back that night, and even thought she wasn’t asleep she pretended she was.

Chloe could always tell when Beca had been crying, and she definitely did not want to talk about the reason why.

So she closed her eyes when she heard the keys in the door, and kept them closed as the lights came on which was followed by the sound of high-heeled shoes walking across the apartment.

She felt the bed dip behind her, and heard the click of Chloe’s lamp turn on.

The bed jostled again, and the main light went off.

She heard running water from the bathroom as Chloe washed off her makeup and brushed her teeth, and then the sound of drawers opening as she searched for pyjamas.

She heard Chloe undressing, and tried not to picture it. She hoped Chloe didn’t need help with unzipping her dress, because she didn’t know if she could handle that right now.

Eventually the bed dipped again and the light went out.

She felt Chloe gently tug at the blankets so she could cover herself.

Then there was nothing but a calm silence.

Beca could tell by the way that Chloe was breathing that she wasn’t asleep yet and before she could stop herself, she was rolling over to face her.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” Chloe replied. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Beca just smiled as she looked at Chloe’s face in the moonlight. She was so beautiful.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Beca said. “How was your night?”

They were both whispering, even though they were the only two people in the apartment, and it was only a little after midnight.

“Fine,” Chloe said. “What did you get up to?”

“Made some mixes,” Beca said. “Before you ask, no. They’re not ready yet.”

Chloe grinned. “Not even for me?”

“Especially not for you.”

“Spoil sport,” Chloe said.

They fell into an easy silence while they just continued to look at each other, and Beca felt that tug in her heart again.

She wanted more than anything to just reach out and touch her. To tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. To sweep her thumb across her jaw.

To kiss her.

God, she wanted to kiss her.

She swallowed, and turned so she was lying on her back.

Amy was right. Time was running out if she was going to say something. And Beca knew she had to say something.

She just didn’t think she could look at Chloe while she said it.

“Is everything okay?” Chloe asked, in her gentlest voice that was always Beca’s undoing.

She just had to do it. She had to rip the bandaid off and deal with whatever came after.

If Chloe turned her down… well… their friendship could survive that.

Right?

“Are you gonna move in with Chicago?”

If she’d been looking at Chloe she’d have seen her frown.

“What? No, what made you ask that? We’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks,” Chloe sounded genuinely confused, and it spurred Beca on. “We’ve been on, like, six dates.”

“But is that something you could see yourself doing? With him, I mean.”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t really know him, I hadn’t thought about it. Why?”

Beca swallowed again.

It was now or never.

“Chloe, I… fuck, this is… look, this is hard, okay. I’m not good at this.”

“Bec, you’re kinda freaking me out,” Chloe said. She sat up and switched on the lamp on her nightstand.

Beca felt instantly exposed and vulnerable - way too vulnerable - and she was up and off the bed in seconds.

“Beca-”

“Just… just give me a second,” Beca said, her heart beating uncomfortably.

She could feel tears building in her eyes and, at that exact moment, they heard the sound of keys in the door before Amy walked in.

“Funny story,” she said, shutting the door and walking further into the room. “Turns out it’s next week that I’m staying-”

She stopped abruptly, realising she had stepped into some kind of emotional minefield.

“Uh oh,” she said. “Beca when I said you should tell her I didn’t mean toni-”

“Nope!” Beca said, loudly cutting her off before walking into the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

Okay, so this wasn’t exactly going to plan.

She had locked herself in the bathroom and was maybe on the verge of a panic attack.

Not an ideal situation.

“Beca,” Chloe said, knocking on the door. “Come on, you can’t stay in there forever.”

I can try, Beca thought.

When Beca didn't respond, or give any indication that she would come out of the bathroom anytime soon, Chloe turned to Amy with a huff of frustration.

“What just happened?”

“So… she didn’t tell you anything?”

“No! I think she was about to tell me something and then…” Chloe trailed off with a shrug. “I don’t know. Something freaked her out and then you showed up.”

“Look this is really not something I should - or want to - be involved in,” Amy said. “So I’m just gonna…” She jerked a thumb towards her bedroom. Amy made a hasty retreat and Chloe returned to the bathroom door.

“Beca, please,” Chloe said. “Look, even if you don’t wanna talk to me, can you just unlock the door so I can go pee. I’ve had like a full bottle of wine tonight and you know how small my bladder is.”

She heard the lock slide and Beca opened the door.

Chloe could see tears in her eyes despite the fact that Beca was doing everything in her power to avoid looking at her.

“Thank you,” Chloe said, as Beca moved aside to let her in.

It hadn’t been a lie, Chloe really did need to pee, so after she closed the door behind her, Beca sat down on the bed and let her head drop into her hands.

It’s probably for the best, she thought. It would ruin everything.

The light from the lamp had had the same sobering effect of daylight.

It reminded her of all the reasons she hadn’t told Chloe how she felt, and why she shouldn’t tell her now.

Any fantasies she could conjure up during the night were always chased away by the day.

While Chloe was stroking her hair in the moonlight, it was easy to imagine that they could be together, but those hopes were always replaced with facts the next day. And the same thing was happening now.

Beca felt something hard lodge itself in her chest as she came to a realisation.

She couldn’t keep doing this.

She’d have to start looking for a new place.

When she heard the toilet flush and the sound of running water she quickly wiped her eyes.

She didn’t look at Chloe when she came out, and kept her eyes fixed on her clasped hands in front of her.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

“No,” Beca said. “It’s… it’s nothing. It was dumb. Can we just go to sleep?”

“Sure,” Chloe said with a sigh.

Beca didn’t get into bed until the light was off and then she lay with her back to Chloe.

“Night Bec.”

Beca swallowed again, hoping her voice was steady. “Night.”

Beca’s phone then lit up on her bedside table.

Amy: omg tell her or I will!!!

Beca read it, smiled briefly, and then locked her phone.

She didn’t say anything else, but after a few minutes of silence, Chloe rolled over and wrapped her arm around Beca’s middle. Her other hand started stroking through her hair.

“You get a headache when you cry,” she said softly, answering the question Beca hadn’t asked.

Something broke inside Beca, and she knew she couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“I’m in love with you Chloe.”

Chloe’s hand stilled and Beca’s heart seemed to stop beating.

The silence stretched on, and Beca had to fight every urge to run.

And then Chloe’s arm tightened around Beca’s waist, and she pulled her closer.

“What took you so long?”

Beca laughed and turned around to face her. Their faces were inches apart now, and Beca could see the tears building in Chloe’s eyes.

“I was scared,” she said, her voice breaking. “I was so fucking scared. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You could never lose me,” Chloe replied. “You will never lose me. I promise.”

Her eyes traveled over Beca’s face, flicking between her eyes, looking for doubt or regret. She didn’t see either. She saw love and adoration. She saw vulnerability, hope, and a tiny fraction of fear.

“I’m in love with you too, Bec.”

And then the fear was gone from her eyes and her face broke into a grin.

“Yeah?” Beca asked, letting out a tearful laugh.

“Yeah,” Chloe replied.

“Can I kiss you?”

Chloe nodded, and their lips met a second later.

Tomorrow, in the cold light of day, Chloe would tell Chicago she didn’t think they should see each other anymore. Tomorrow, she would ask Beca on a date and if it went well - which she knew it would - she would ask her to be her girlfriend.

Tomorrow, when the sun was up, she would repeat these things they’d said to each other in the moonlight.

She’d tell Beca she loved her.

She’d tell Beca she’d always loved her.

And Beca would say it back. A thousand times. In a thousand different ways.

#bechloe week #bechloe week 2021 #bechloe #bechloe prompt #bechloe fanfiction #bechloe fanfic #bechloe fic #beca #Chloe #beca x chloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale #pitch perfect #pitch perfect fanfic #pitch perfect fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic

[justkending]

The Number One Rule. Chapter 3.

Series Summary: Y/N has always been seen as “Steve’s annoying little sister.” However, she grew up, graduated, and moved to London to study abroad for 4 years and get her bachelor's degree. The girl that returns looks nothing like the teenager that left, but don’t worry the attitude is still there and stronger than ever. What’s to come of the two grown adults that used to push each other's buttons, but now have a lot more in common than they’ve ever realized.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Y/N Rogers (Steve’s little sister)

Word Count: 2700+

A/N: Ok friends. From now on the rest of the chapters will be posted every other day. I’m sorry, I haven’t responded to any comments, just know I see them, appreciate them, and love them! It’s hard to respond to them all when I’m working and doing homework outside of this, but truly. Thank you. Hope you enjoy this one!!

Chapter Three:

"Is she up?" Steve asked once Bucky was off the phone. A few people had already arrived and were mingling outside where the whole setup was.

"She is now," he nodded. Steve sent him a worried look. "Don't worry, she's up and around. She should be down before everyone gets here."

"I bought drinks," Sam shouted coming into the kitchen with the other guys. "I think your street and the next block are going to be full within the next 10 minutes. People keep pulling in."

"How many people did your mom invite?" Bucky asked.

"I don't know. She said she reached out to a lot of Y/N's closer old friends from high school and let some family friends know," Steve shrugged, grabbing a beer Sam had brought and popping it open.

"One, Y/N had a lot of friends in high school, so that number is far out there. Two, your family friends have big families last I checked," Bucky chuckled.

"Not everyone you invite shows up though," Steve shrugged, clearly becoming somewhat overwhelmed.

Bucky could tell it wasn't himself that he was overwhelmed for, but the women in his life that he was worried for. Sarah hadn't been in large groups in a while, and Y/N hadn't been home in 4 years.

"Hey, they're going to be fine. You're just worrying yourself," he patted Steve's back.

"I know, I know. It's just a lot after, well... Everything, for both of them."

"Don't worry about something that hasn't even become an issue yet," Sam said, reassuring him as well. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to mingle. Wanna join? These are your friends, not mine if I remember correctly."

"Yeah, yeah. Come on. I'll introduce you to some old family friends of mine," Steve nodded his head to the back door. "You coming?" he asked Bucky, not seeing him follow.

"I'll be out in a second. Beck wanted me to meet her up front to help her bring some things in," he waved them off.

"Ok, see you out there."

Bucky looked down at his phone and saw that Becca was less than a mile away. She should be there any second. He picked up a few strawberries and began eating them before he heard the creaking of wood coming from the entry a minute later.

New guest? Bec already?

He moved out of the corridor and saw that Y/N was coming down the stairs. Slow and careful not to trip in the slight heels she had on.

He took the few seconds that she hadn't noticed him to take her appearance in.

The dress she had picked out, was nothing like the ones that she had tucked in her closet. It was a colorful geometric type of way sundress. The top of the silk dress had a flowy extra piece of fabric to accent her cleavage in a modest way. Her hair was straightened like earlier but pinned half up, which was very different from her wild waves that sometimes acted like a lion's mane.

 For just waking up maybe 15 minutes ago, she looked red carpet ready.

Finally getting to the bottom of the stairs she looked down straightening her dress before looking up at Bucky.

Her face went from surprised that someone was there, to a warm smile seeing it was the familiar brunette.

"So maybe I did have something to wear after all," she chuckled, walking up to him and looking to adjust her necklace which was a simple gold pendant, that added a spark to the person wearing it.

Bucky couldn't speak now seeing her closer. She had in fact put on makeup, but it was a subtle amount. Some mascara, a little bit of eyeshadow to make her Y/E/C eyes pop, and red lipstick that drew attention to her mouth. A mouth that Bucky now could not stop staring at even though he knew they were moving, but he couldn't hear anything coming out of them at that moment. That was until he heard his name on repeat.

"Bucky? Buck?" Y/N asked, quirking her head to the side and waving her hands in his face. "Do you copy, soldier?"

"Sorry, sorry," he said, shaking out his head and meeting her eyes. "What did you say?"

"I asked if it was too much. You've seen the people coming in and out, and I'm worried this is too fancy," she said going to fidget with the dress. Now that he was paying attention, he could hear a hint of uncertainty and nerves in her voice.

"Doll, you look," he paused. 

Did he say what he was thinking? The words ranged from exquisite, radiating, effervescent, perfect... The list went on. He decided it was better to be simple. Given that the damn fizzing or fluttering, whatever the hell that feeling was, had come back and sat in his gut. 

"You look beautiful, Y/N/N."

She looked back giving him a thankful smile at his comfort. He realized that the grin he had from watching her walk down the staircase had yet to fall and was sitting permanently on his face.

"Uh," he said, clearing his throat. "Where did you find that dress? I thought you didn't have anything."

"Oh," she nodded walking past him to the kitchen not even noticing the fact he was drooling over her two seconds ago. "One of my friends, Peggy, from London. I remembered it was one we stumbled on while shopping on one of my last days, but it was a little pricey so I walked on. I texted her and she said she bought it and snuck it in my suitcase last minute before I left for the airport."

"Lucky break," Bucky nodded, watching as she started grabbing little finger foods and looking carefully out the backdoor. "You going to go out there, or..." he said, seeing her not moving to the party.

"Um, yeah. Yeah," she nodded a little too forceful. "In a second. Uh, when's Bec going to be here?"

"Any second," he answered but went back to the fact he could sense her uneasiness. "Are you nervous?"

"No, no," she said, letting out a 'pft' sound. "Why would I be nervous, B? I've known these people most of my life."

"Exactly, and you haven't seen most of them in 4 to 5 years."

"Way to make it less intimidating," she huffed, sending him a playful glare.

"You're forgetting I'm one of those people who's known you all your life," he said, moving closer and standing on the opposite side of the small table. "I can read you like a book."

"Ok, so what's this specific chapter telling you?" she questioned as a challenge. Always with a challenge. She and her brother were able to make a game or competition out of anything and everything.

"Come on Y/N. You know there's nothing to be nervous about. All these people want are stories of your time in another country. That and to catch up with you on the adult you've grown into," he said in a reassuring tone.

"Yeah, and maybe I'm not what they thought," she mumbled as if trying to keep the insecurity to herself, but with no other sounds in the room, Bucky heard.

"Why should their expectations of who you became bother you?" Bucky said taken aback slightly. Y/N was always a confident, "I couldn't care less about another person's opinion of me. I am my own person," kind of person.

"It doesn't," she sighed loudly. "I mean, I know it shouldn't and it normally wouldn't, but..."

She hesitated and Bucky started to understand.

"From what I've seen so far, you haven't changed at all for the worst." He came around putting his hands on her shoulder and dipping his head to see her downcasted eyes better. "Y/N, you grew up over there, and though I haven't really had the chance to figure out how, you exude a poised, matured, and new-age kind of gal."

"Woman," she corrected looking up.

"Woman. My bad," he chuckled. "Plus, let's be honest. All they want to hear about are your travels all around Europe. Considering a good chunk of them haven't gone further than out of state. With that kind of experience alone, they already admire and envy you."

Looking at Bucky kindly helping her ease her nerves, a small blush appeared. One, he had called her beautiful. Two, he called her poised and mature. The older, teasing, and obnoxious family friend and adopted-like-brother that she once knew, was being particularly sweet to her.

"When did you grow up and mature? The Bucky Barnes I knew would tease me and then run away with the boys laughing about what a dork I am," she said, poking his shoulder before turning and popping a grape in her mouth.

"You're not the only one who grew up," he chuckled, pushing back his own blush.

"Bucky! I was calling you to help me with-" A voice interrupted making them both look to the threshold in between the living room and kitchen. "Y/N!" Becca shouted.

"Bec!" Y/N shouted back, racing around the table and over to her old friend.

Putting the overflow of treats in her hand to one side, she gave Y/N a tight hug around the neck.

"Bucky, a little help," she pointed her eyes to the items.

"Right, right." He came around the corner quickly and helped his sister unpack the mountain of food she has somehow balanced inside.

Once free of baggage, she moved to give Y/N a full bear hug. The two giggled and swayed back and forth as they took in each other physically being in the same room for the first time in 2 years.

Unlike Bucky, Becca was able to visit Y/N that one Christmas she came home for a week. Bucky had been out of town, so it was really just Steve, their mom, and Becca who saw her. Everyone else had to wait 4 years.

"God," Becca gasped, pulling back and the two just now letting go of the other. "Look at you! All suntanned and glowing. Is that what Europe does to a girl, because if so, when's the next flight?"

Bucky rolled his eyes at the cheesy line his sister laughed out as he put some of the dishes away.

"Why did you bring so much stuff, Bec? I told you Sarah already had most of everything," Bucky spoke up, noticing just how full the fridge and tables were.

"People eat a lot at a cookout Buck. Crazy concept, I know," she said in a sassy tone to her brother before turning back to her friend. "Ok, I know you have a ton of other people to mingle with today, so I won't steal you for too long, but we do need to have a girl's night soon."

"Um, I'm hurt if you think I haven't already started planning it," Y/N laughed as they finally pulled apart from each other. "Like the good ol' days? Take out, rom-com, murder podcast, and Bumble?" Y/N listed off.

"Yes, yes, yes, and maybe hold off on the Bumble this time," she winked.

Bucky was listening in on the conversation as he leisurely put things away wanting to eavesdrop. Bumble? Wasn't that a dating app? They were playing on dating apps during their sleepovers?

Wait, that means they would be playing on dating apps now... Was Y/N looking for someone to date? Before his mind could go too far, he tuned back into the girl's conversation.

"Wait, no Bumble? Please elaborate," Y/N said popping a hip and resting a hand on it as she moved to get a drink for the two.

"Well, I may or may not be talking to an individual," Bekah blushed.

"Bec! You never told me that! All those Facetime calls and you leave that out? Why are you starving me from my own personal reality TV show?" Y/N said dramatically.

Bucky once again rolled his eyes, but this time with a smile. The two were always a mess together. Just like Steve and Bucky, they had been best friends since day one. Except there was a two years difference. Not that that made a difference to them.

Y/N had been a junior by the time Bekah entered high school, but they still ran around together constantly. That is until Y/N went off to Europe. But thanks to their practically daily Facetime calls, Bucky was kept updated on Y/N's life over there. He may not have admitted it, but he really liked the updates. Y/N was, and always had been, near and dear to his heart even if they gave each other a hard time growing up.

But wait. Back up.

"You're seeing someone?" Bucky interjected.

"Not that it's your business, but yes. We aren't official of course, but we've been on a few dates," she said getting giggly again.

"Dates? Wow. So we're past the just talking kinda phase?" Y/N asked.

"Just talking phase?" Bucky questioned but was ignored by the girls.

"Oh, Y/N/N, he's just the sweetest. He opens the doors for me, he pulls out my chair in restaurants, he calls me sweetheart," she listed off.

Bucky did all those kinds of things, but no one ever swooned over him. At least not for longer than a night. Then again, he never really kept up with a girl longer than a night.

"Bumble Bee, can you grab up some of that champagne?" Y/N motioned to him but didn't actually look at him.

Bucky took a deep breath and began to cater to the two girls. Pouring some champagne that had already been opened into two glasses and walking over and handing it to them.

"Oh, God! I forgot about Bumble Bee!" Becca shouted.

Bucky cringed at her loudness and leaned on the chair at the table next to Y/N.

"Let's keep it that way," Bucky groaned.

Y/N gave him a small pat on the back, which he looked up, and the sour grimace he had before turned into a light smile. She moved to the fridge grabbed some juice cocktail Sarah had made the night before and added it to their champagne glasses.

"You two know that the party is outside, right?" Bucky said standing straight.

"Oh hush, B. Let us have our moment," Y/N said back.

"No, no. He's right. I'm hogging you from everyone else." She moved to look out the backdoor and noticed that more people had arrived even from the time she had shown up. "Listen, you two go out and I'm going to run out to my car to grab one more thing. I'll meet you back there," Becca said, taking a large swig of the drink and heading back to the entry. "Oh and Buck? Get me another glass, will ya?" she winked before turning the corner and disappearing.

"It feels like I never left with her around," Y/N laughed turning to Bucky. "You've been treating her nicely I hope," she said with her eyes looking over the glass she was pulling a sip from.

"As nice as a big brother can be with a sister like that," Buck said with an overly affectionate smile before he dropped it flatly.

"You're a jerk," she slapped his arm playfully before refilling her drink.

"She was right about one thing though. You do need to get out there and mingle." Bucky stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked on his feet watching her.

"I'll get to that," she said, downing her drink and looking at the backdoor.

"Probably before you're drunk off your ass," he said with a raised eyebrow as she poured another drink.

"Liquid courage, B. It's what we drank as water in Europe," she winked before finally taking a deep breath and smoothing her dress for the 100th time. "Care to help a girl out?" she said, looking at the door with the nerves from earlier making an appearance once more.

Bucky walked over, offered his arm, and when she had weaved hers through his, patted her hand peering down at her.

"You're going to be fine. Just tell a random story from studying abroad anytime you don't know what to say. They'll love it," Bucky smiled.

"You say it like I'm about to go perform an act," she chuckled, letting out another deep breath.

"Eh, it's a performance, but not one you don't have to be yourself at," he said with a crooked grin.

"Right," she nodded. "Ok, I'm good. Let's go."

"Ok." He headed to the door and just as his hand landed on the doorknob, he glanced back at her. "Just call if you need me to come rescue you."

"Sir, yes, sir," she mock saluted, making him roll his eyes for the 10th time in the last 5 minutes and begin to escort her out.c

(If you would like to be tagged in any of the tags below, please send an ask:)

The Number One Rule (TNOR) Taglist:

@shadowolf993 @hello-i-am-daydreaming @jessyballet  @emmabarnes @kmuir1  @beautifulrare4leafclover @thefallenbibliophilequote @l0ve-0f-my-life  @shawnie--jo​ @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable​

My Lovelies forever:

@natura1phenomenon​ @lauravicente​ @kakakatey​ @traceyaudette​ @notyourtypicalrose​  @laneygthememequeen​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​afeteria-sauce @sandlee44​ @thorne93​ @thefaithfulwriter​ @marvelfansworld @essie1876​ @greyeyedsmile14​ @capsiclehan​  @xostephanie​ @averyrogers83​ @awesomenursingstudent​ @gh0stgurl​ @cs-please​ @carls1022​ @jjlevin​ @rainbowkisses31​ @carls1022​ @anise-d-castle6​ @deannotmoose​ @their-bibliophile​ @kitkatd7​ @willowbleedsonpaper​ @mariaenchanted​ @snffbeebee​ @couldabeenamermaid​

Bucky Barnes Tags:

@morganclaire4​

Marvel Tags:

@thejourneyneverendsx​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @heyiamthatbitch​ @lizzymacy555​ @iheartsebastianstan @srrymydood​ @xa-dia​ @redhairedfeistynerd​ @morganclaire4​ @connie326​ @captain-asguard​ @mollygetssherlockcoffee​

#bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x Y/N rogers #Bucky barns x reader #Bucky barnes x steve's sister #bucky barnes au series #bucky barnes #mcu #mcu au #mcu au series #marvel au #marvel au series #marvel #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #winter soldier modern au #winter soldier au series #bucky barnes x Y/N #justkending #bucky barnes modern au

[coffeecatsandcandles]

The final votes are in!

In my interactive bucky x reader series:

Are we feeling angst for this story? YES!

Actually it was a tie between YES and HELL YES, but because some people voted NO, I'll go a little easier... nothing too angsty or sad, this series will still be pretty fluffy.

How about Smut? HELL YES!

idk what i expected iakfhewiuh okay okay you'll get your smut lmaooo.

Bucky's oldest daughter's name will be... Rebecca!

We just love little Bec, don't we? She's great. I'm thinking of making her around 9 or 10?

Bucky's youngest daughter's name will be... Winnie!

We love Winnie Barnes too here! I'm probably going to make her 4.

The Reader's daughter's name will be... Willow!

I LOVE THIS NAME!!! It reminds me of the taylor swift song lol. She'll probably be around 4 too.

The Reader's son's name will be... Elliot!

This is another name i'm absolutely obsessed with omg. I'm thinking he'll probably be around 11 or 12.

I'm reading the moments/storylines you wanna see and i'm loving them sm. It might take me a while to write the first few chapters, but i'll keep you all updated and post the announcement when i'm ready! I had so much fun doing this and I hope you all did too!!!

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky x reader #sebastian stan #bucky #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fanfic #james bucky barnes #dad!bucky #bucky au

[softboywriting]

Gravitation | Nathan Bateman | Ex Machina

Summary: Twin Flames; a single soul that is split into two bodies. You and Nathan have a connection like none other. He has an idea why, and you’re about to find out. [Soft!Nathan] [Soulmates Trope] [No Use Of Y/N] [Assistant!Reader] [F!ReaderxNathan] [Swearing] [Pet Name] [Invasion of Privacy - Mentioned] [Drunk Nathan] 

Word Count: 5k

|Masterlist in Bio|

The moment you met Nathan you knew there was something about him that was unlike any other person you had met up until that point. It wasn't his massive ego, his minor God complex, or his genius intellect that got your attention. It was his eyes. Something in his eyes held more than his big mouth could ever express, something familiar like you've known him since the day you were born and even before that. You doubt he knows it, that his gaze tells you every truth, every lie, every moment of his history leading up to the moment you met. He feels it though. That you can confirm. He feels something when you stare at him as he speaks and you know that it makes him uncomfortable in a way he doesn't know how to explain because he gives you looks as if you're something he's never seen, something he can't quite figure out. You are an enigma to him some days and it keeps him on his toes.

Two months pass as you live out your days with Nathan in his sprawling complex of a home slash research facility. It was strange how you came to be here, a memory almost it seems. You had been receiving emails for weeks from an unknown sender, something about a research assistant position. You didn't pay much mind, as you weren't looking for an assistant position. You wanted to land a job doing website building for Blue Book. That is what you applied for and that is what you have skill in doing. So when your phone rang in the dead of night and you found out it was the CEO, Nathan, calling you directly about the emails and the assistant position, you were shocked. One thing lead to another and you found yourself living with Nathan while he began building AI.

Being Nathan's assistant isn't exactly what you hoped for, but it's not bad. You get to see how he works, what makes that genius tick. He's not as bad as you had heard, not as full of himself, but maybe that's just because he likes you. Working with him consists of observing him, helping him document things, getting tools and equipment while his hands are full, doing facial tracking studies, talking out loud in long sequences while he records your speech patterns. Some days it feels like he studies you more than he works on the AI. Not that you mind, his gaze is undeniably attracting, so much fascination and wonder behind those wire frame glasses. He leaves you with butterflies and longing for more than casual touches.

______________________

"Nathan?" You call softly from across the lab table he is sitting at, pushing wires into the gel mass brain unit to hook it up to his laptop. "I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Why did you choose me?"

He looks over his glasses as his hands still against the gel mass. He's going to lie, you know this look. It's so easy to tell. "I didn't choose you, it was random, I needed an assistant and you were a good fit."

"That's not like you. You wouldn't have some random mediocre website builder be your lab assistant."

"It's not like me? How would you know?"

"Well, I've been here for two months and I've worked and lived with you nearly every day for all hours except for when I'm sleeping. You're too calculated, precise, and prideful of your work to allow some random person into your life like this. So again, why did you choose me?"

Nathan sits up, folding his arms over his chest as he looks at you with a small smile on his lips. His eyes meet yours and you can tell he's intrigued. He has that look, like you're something shiny and new that he has yet to figure out. God you love that look.

"Well?" You push insistently. He sucks at lying to you and he looks as if he's going to try again.  

"I chose you because I studied you. For weeks I went through your data, your work, your photos and posts on social media. I selected you because I could see something in you that terrified me."

You raise your eyebrows. That was not the response you expected. The data thing did not surprise you, it's Nathan and he can do almost anything on the internet with the software Blue Book is built from. You expected an answer regarding your physical appearance, reducing you to the beautiful assistant, eye candy. Not that you terrified Nathan, which in turn terrifies you because you're not sure what about yourself would ever be deemed as such.  

"Cat got your tongue?"

"Yes." You smile softly, turning your head away to break his gaze. It's too much. Too intense. "You've thrown me for a loop."

Nathan pushes away from the table and walks around it to sit beside you. He turns on the stool and tilts your head to look at him, fleeting fingers careful against your jaw, eyes meeting, faces only a few feet away from each other. "I chose you because I see myself staring back at me."

"What?"

"The eyes are the window to the soul. When I saw your photo I knew I had to meet you in person. I would have done anything to meet you, to see you face to face because I wanted to be right."

"Right about what?"

He gathers your hands into his and your heart beat picks up, cold sweat prickling at the back of your neck. "There is a theory that a human soul can be split into two people. It's interesting to consider, not that I believe it entirely. It's a bit of a fairytale and all. I'm curious though and I wanted to study it."

"So you brought me here to study me?" You swallow harshly. This whole time you've been part of an experiment it seems. Wonderful.

"I did."

"So I'm not your assistant. I'm your specimen."

Nathan drops your hands and stands up, walking around the lab slowly, pacing almost. He has never seemed so nervous. "You're still my assistant. You assist me do you not?"

"Yes."

"Then you're an assistant."

"Nathan. You know that isn't what I mean."

He chuckles. "Don't worry about it too much."

"I'm going to worry. You're studying me!"

Nathan sighs and walks back over to you, cupping your face in his palms as if to make you listen to him better and your heart threatens to explode. He has never been this physically affectionate with you ever yet his touch is so familiar. "I would be studying you anyway. You're my assistant, my little poseable doll, my muse which I collect data from."

"This isn't making me feel any better. Actually, I feel insulted."

"I'm not insulting you."

"Doll?"

"Fine." He says harshly. It's as close to an apology as you will ever get.

"Thank you."

Nathan drops your face and walks away again. He seems anxious now. He strides along the length of the brightly lit lab tables, hands in his pockets. The silence that fills the room is stifling, awkward, and increasingly thick with unsaid thoughts.

You slide off of your stool and wander toward the table in the enclosed chamber at the back of the room. There are mechanical body parts on the table, like a person laid out for an exam or a surgery. It's strange to think that eventually these parts will be a working form, these wires and plastic and metal plates will be an artificial life form that looks and sounds like a real human. You turn suddenly and look back at Nathan. He's staring, your fingers touching the shoulder of the body before you. It's as if you could feel his eyes on you, as if you could see yourself through them actually.

"What're you doing?" Nathan asks as he leans against the entryway, his tone far calmer than his eyes would portray.

"I don't know."

"You don't know? Let me tell you." He steps in the room and around to the opposite side of the exam table. "You're breaking my rules."

You pull your hand away and curl it against your side. "Am I?"

"Yes." He leans on the table, arms open, hands pressed to the cold top. "You're touching my work."

"Nathan I touch your work all the fucking time. I literally carried a leg across the lab for you earlier. What the hell are you talking about?"

"With permission. I gave you permission to carry that leg."

"Okay?"

"Did I tell you that you could come in here and touch this?" He gestures to the parts on the table. "Did you consider that it might not be a good idea to do that?"

"It's just laying here Nathan."

"But do you know that? Maybe I have something going on that requires these to be perfectly still."

"I put these in here yesterday. I laid them down and you haven't moved them since." You cross your arms and stare him down. "You're just trying to start a fight because you don't like the awkward tension in the room and a fight will change the subject off of why you hired me."

Nathan's head snaps up and he glares. Oh how he glares daggers right through your soul. You know you're right and he knows you're right. It's killing him not to have a comeback ready. He was so ready to fight about the AI parts that your breakdown of his thought process has destroyed all means of retaliation. It's satisfying, watching him flounder for a second.  

"Cat got your tongue?" You say with the biggest smirk. His own words, his own choice of phrasing thrown back at him.

"See this is why you terrify me."

"Because I called you on your bullshit?"

"Yes." He turns and heads for the entryway. "You call me out before I even realize what I'm doing."

"So you didn't plan on coming in here and trying to start something?"

"No, I mean I did I guess but it wasn't a coherent thought. I didn't go "oh I'm going to start an argument now because I want to deflect this awkwardness", I just did it because....well I guess it was my instinct." He runs a hand over his head and braces it against the back of his neck. "I need to go for a run."

"It's raining."

"So?"

"Wear a coat."

"Are you my mother now?"

"You're doing it again." You point at him and he scowls.

"I'm leaving."

"I'll run a hot bath."

"For what?"

"For you when you get back inevitably cold and sore because you over do it on the trail."

Nathan growls, literally growls and looks pissed. "Stop! Just stop! Get out of my head!"

You walk out of the chamber and past him toward the hall door. "You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Don't."

"Didn't do anything."

"You will."

"Maybe. Go run."

"Fuck."

______________________

You decide to do some research of your own while Nathan is gone. You're not supposed to get on his computer, or really contact anyone in the outside world as per your non disclosure agreement. There are exceptions though. You technically cannot discuss anything that happens in the complex but you can discuss everything else. You could call your parents but you've not had the best relationship with them since you took the job with Nathan. They didn't understand, thought you were being coerced by him and they never wanted you to be in the tech field. They wanted you to be a doctor or a nurse. If only they knew how much Nathan paid you. They would forget about that medical field shit so fast. Unfortunately your pay is related to the job so you're not able to discuss it.

You take a seat at Nathan's desk and bring up the center screen. You can see him on the security camera on the backside of the house. He's sitting on the open air deck, rain pouring down on him. Not running. This is actually perfect, you can make sure to get off the computer as soon as he leaves the camera view.  

You pull up Blue Book and search "split soul theories". Tons of information pops up. You wade through the crap. Book titles, movies, songs and stuff. The only information you want is about the actual theory itself. Finally you find it, some spiritual website has the explanation you're looking for.

"Twin flames?" You mutter, skimming through the paragraphs of text.

The pages tell you about the theory that a soul can be split in two and those people are drawn together and are like two sides of the same coin. Kind of like soulmates but deeper, more connected, lives spanning every reincarnation. You shake your head. There is no way this is what Nathan is interested in investigating. It's too wild. He's a man of logic and science and biology. Not spiritual at all. Besides, you're not like him. At least you don't think so. Maybe you are...in some ways you can see how you're similar. That's disturbing and you're not going down that road.

The screen on the left is empty, the camera showing just a feed of the empty deck. Shit. You scramble to close the tab but it's too late.

"Oh dear, what are you doing?"

"Fuck," you whisper and turn around slowly to see Nathan standing in the doorway to the office. He's changed into his favorite white long sleeve and some sweatpants.

"Should I pretend you aren't on my computer with the browser open or should I just fire you now?"

"I wasn't doing anything against my NDA." You stand up and he gives you a look over his glasses.

He moves past you and sinks into his chair, turning abruptly to pull up your closed tab on the browser. "Twin flames huh?"

"Yep. Just looking shit up."

"Uh huh."

"Is that what you think we are?"

"No."

"Then what do you-"

"It's what I know we are." He turns back and raises his eyebrows. "You were watching me on the cams?"

You shrug. "Maybe."

"You're a little shit."

"As if you don't watch me when we aren't together."

"Touché." He stands and circles around to grab a book off the shelf behind you. He flips it open and starts scribbling something down.

You lean over trying to see and he tilts the book up. "What is that?"

"A notebook."

"Smart ass."

"I am." He gives his butt a smack and grins at you cheekily. "Don't worry what this book is."

"Secrets make enemies, don't you know?"

"Yes," he puts the book away on the shelf in plain sight. He knows you won't try to get it. You wouldn't disrespect his things like that, even though the lack of respect for your own is considerable in this house. "I have lots of enemies."

You roll your eyes. "That's because you're insufferable, Nathan."

"No it's because I have secrets."

"Wait, you just changed the subject...circle back here. What do you mean you know we're twin flames? How did I miss that?"

Nathan chuckles and puts his arm around your back. "You'll see, one day."

"What? That doesn't make any sense."

"Oh no it does." He guides you into the hall and closes the door behind him. "Once you think about it long and hard you'll realize it."

You walk ahead of him. "I don't get what that means and you're talking in riddles. I'm going to bed."

"I'm going to make dinner."

"And you're going to eat alone. Goodnight Nathan."

___________________

"I know you're awake." Nathan's voice floats through the door to your room. It's some time after midnight, days since you got into it with him about the twin flame nonsense. Yet it's been playing on your mind nonetheless. "Mi luna, can I come in?"

Mi Luna? What the hell is that about? He must be shit faced drunk. You know if you open that door you won't get any sleep. You also know he could just open it since his card is all access, but he is still asking. It's the little things.

"The door is open!"

Nathan peeks in, just his face appearing around the heavy glass door. "Mi luna, it's so bright in here."

"Yeah? I've got the lamps on. It's subterranean, remember? No windows."

He slides in and closes the door. As if someone were ever going to interrupt the two of you. "Lights off."

The lights go down to just the night lights under the vanity and in the bathroom remain on. You raise your eyebrows at the man walking so carefully across your bedroom. He doesn't seem to be stumbling. That's a good sign.

"What is mi luna all about?"

"Do you like it?"

"I don't know?"

"It means My Moon."

"Okay?"

Nathan flops down on the bed and crushes your feet under his butt. "I was thinking about pet names earlier. I hate them all." He's definitely drunk.

"But you like mi luna?"

"Yeah. Mi Luna y mi sol." He extends his arm up as if to touch something out of reach on the ceiling. "My moon and my sun. Sounds romantic."

"Romantic? Since when do you like anything romantic?"

He turns his head to look at you. You're glad you can't make his face out clearly in the darkened room. You fear his eyes will tell you more than you wish to know. "You make me soft."

"I make you soft? How?"

He lets his arm go limp, falling behind him on the bed. "You're so pretty, and you're smart too. So smart." He sighs heavily like a man with much on his mind. "I've had too much tequila."

You chuckle softly. "Oh boy."

"What?"

"I've never seen you drink it, tequila makes you a different kind of drunk."

"Yeah." He reaches out to you and you take his hand. He wiggles his finger tips against yours and makes a little do-do-do noise to go with it. "I wanna marry you."

"What?" Your heart stops and his hand goes limp under yours. "Nathan, what did you just say?"

"Nothing?"

"No you said you wanna marry me."

"If you heard it then why did you ask?"

"Because I wanted to see if you'd lie."

He scoffs and sits up. "I didn't say that."

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't. You misheard me. I don't even believe in marriage."

"Nathan."

"I'm going to the lab." He pushes off the bed and wobbles on his feet.

You kick his butt and he stumbles forward. "You're an asshole."

He looks back and even in the darkened room you can see his smile. "Am I?"

"Yes! Now get out of here. I want to sleep a few hours before you inevitably wake me up at an ungodly time despite having slept about three hours yourself."

He chuckles as he pads softly to the door.

"What's so funny?"

"I like waking you up early." He leans on the door frame, allowing it to support his body entirely. "It's my favorite part of the day. Your sleepy little yawns, heavy lidded eyes, they way your voice sounds so soft."

You ball your fists in the comforter and force down the butterflies that stir in your stomach. This isn't Nathan. This is a drunk lonely idiot. You can't catch feelings for him, he's your boss. It's honestly too late but that's not any of his business. "Go!"

"You like meeee!"

"Nathan please just go away!"

"It's my house. I don't have to." He teases and you throw a pillow at him. He laughs and slips out the door to avoid further projectiles.

You pull a pillow over your face and scream into it. He's frustrating, whiplash embodied. Fuck him and fuck how he makes you have butterflies in your stomach.

______________________

"Can I ask you something about the AI?"

"Any time." Nathan says as he punches at the bag hanging on the deck. He's been going at it for about an hour now.

You've been sitting and watching him, curled up on the bench wearing his white long sleeve shirt because it's cool out and you didn't want to go get something of your own. You've been sketching the scene of him boxing as if to preserve the memory. As if you won't be here again in a few days doing the same thing.

"Is this your first? The one on the table that we- you are building?"

He stops, steadying the bag a moment and giving you a troublesome smile. "No."

"What was the first one like?"

He returns to punching the bag in a steady rhythm. "She's human like. A little taller than me. I didn't get to make a head before the body malfunctioned."

You raise your eyebrows. "It was a woman?"

"Is. She is a woman, yes."

"She's still in around?"

"Yes." Nathan hugs the bag and looks at you almost lovingly, clearly excited to show you this AI he's kept a secret. "Do you want to see her?"

You stand from the bench you've been watching him on and he starts unwrapping his hands. You take note how his fingers look a little bruised, as if he were going too hard on the bag. "She's here?"

"Mmhmm."

"Why haven't you shown me?"

"You haven't asked."

"But we've been building a new one for this long. Why wouldn't you tell me you had another?"

Nathan grabs his glasses from the counter in the dining room as you pass through, following close behind him. He chuckles. "This new one is not going to be like the others."

"Others?"

"Yeah, the others."

"Nathan, how many are there?"

"Five?" He glances back and does a little hand motion to signify that he wasn't sure. "No, six."

You stop dead in your tracks outside the lab door. "Six? You've made six?"

He turns at the end of the hall and puts his hands on his hips. "I've been here for three years. Of course I've made six. Come on, do you wanna see them or not?"

You hurry ahead and step into where he's leading you. A lounge with big rock walls and built in cupboards. He scans his badge at the first cupboard door and opens it. Inside is half of a bot, no head, just a mechanical body with legs and no arms.

Nathan opens the next one. It has a head with a face, no legs but a torso and an arm. He opens the rest and you walk down the line. The closer you get to the end you realize they look more and more human. They have skin, and unique features, hair and everything. It's when you reach the last one that your heart stops.  

Before you is a spitting image of yourself. It's as if you were made of wax. Not quite right but not off the mark. She's complete, no missing parts, but only her face is skin, the rest is the robot base model.

"Do you understand now?"

"I don't understand anything. What the hell is this?" You step back, hands clinging to your sweater at your stomach. "Nathan what is going on?"

"I built her last year. This is part of the reason why you terrify me."

"But you said...you said that you saw yourself in me and that's what terrified you?"

Nathan closes the door and stands in front of you. "You're freaked out, I get it. When I said I saw myself I meant my mind, my vision. Not like me, obviously you don't look like me. I see my soul reflected back at me."

You stumble back onto the futon and stare up at the man before you. "You brought me here because of that? Because you made a bot that looks like me?"

He steps forward and sinks down, squatting in front of you, hands landing on your thighs. "I saw you in a dream, a very vivid dream like I was in another life all together and I modeled her after what I saw because I couldn't forget. I had no idea you were real until I came across the twin flame theory while researching dreams and I decided to try and find you."

"But how did you find me?"

"Blue Book. Once I made her I scanned her face for recognition and found hundreds of matches. I cross referenced her specific features, rough age estimate, a few other things and then I found you."

You shake your head in disbelief. "I was trying to work for Blue Book. I put in dozens of applications. I was gravitating toward you all along."

"Yeah." He says breathily. "Yeah you were."

"You're my soulmate?"

"Mmmhmm." He rubs your thighs comfortingly. "It's more than that. Soulmate is a pretty blanket term but what we are is twin flames. A soul split in two that rejoins in every lifetime. I never believed in something like that, but that dream was so unlike anything I've experienced it changed my mind. I'm a man of logic and science not fairy tales and fantasies. It tore me up for a long time."

You let out a little bubble of laughter and you quickly cover it up because it's not funny, it's disbelief. "You? Nathan Bateman is my other half?"

"Don't say it like that. It's not funny."

"This is a gag right? You made that mold of my face and slapped it on the AI for this. You're fucking with me." You push him and he falls back onto his ass. "You're an asshole."

"What?!" He gets to his feet as you stand from the futon. "You think I'm lying to you about this?!"

"Yes! Why would a man like you ever believe in that stuff? You don't even believe in marriage. You're lying to get me to sleep with you or something. You're playing into my feelings and fantasies and hopes of someday finding someone to share my life with forever." You head for the doorway and Nathan grabs your hand to stop you. "Let me go. This is cruel. I never thought you would go this fucking far as to-"

"I would never do that to you." In one fluid motion he pulls you close, cradles your face and presses his lips to yours. Fireworks explode behind your eyes as they fall closed. Your heart races, body frozen against his as the world comes crashing down around you. All at once you're dizzy, breathless, excited. You're overloaded, overwhelmed and you don't know what is happening.

"Do you feel it?" He asks and you open your eyes to find him only inches away. The moment your gaze meets his you know he isn't lying. "You're the only person who I've ever felt this connection with. You know how picky I am."

"You're not lying." You mutter, remembering all the times you couldn't stop staring at him. The times when you couldn't remove your eyes from his once they met. The way you move seamlessly around each other, as if you knew each other's next move every step of the way. And most of all how you can't imagine being away from him, how you never get tired of being in his company. "Since we met I've had this feeling, and when our eyes meet-"

"We can't look away."

"Yeah." You lay a hand on his cheek, fingers fanning out over his beard. It's a strange feeling, foreign under your touch. "What do we do now?"

"We keep going."

"Keep going? Going where?"

"Ahead, with the AI, with our relationship." Nathan presses his head to yours. "Together we're going to make a perfect AI. If I hadn't started this, gotten this far into it and made the AI I based off of the dream I had of you, we wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't be here, we wouldn't have met. I wouldn't be able to make the newest model without you."

"Yes you could. This isn't like you to say you need someone. Have you slept?"

He chuckles. "Yes I've slept."

"You could make this AI without me. You don't need me."

"But I do." He steps back, cradling your face in his hands, thumbs on your cheeks stroking softly. "You've been the key to everything. I can study your features, your expressions, your eyes...fuck your eyes, man. Sure I can get all the data from Blue Book like I did before but you're different. You make me think differently about everything."

You lean into his hand on your cheek. "Kiss me again."

"Don't have to tell me twice." He slides his arms around your back and pulls you flush against him. His mouth covers yours, a sweet kiss turning hungry quickly. He backs you against the wall, arms caging you in as he licks into your mouth. He lets out the softest moan as your hand explores his chest. It's the most vulnerable you've ever seen him.

You arch against him and he lifts your leg up as you hook it around his. You run your hand over his back and stop at his shoulders, cradling the back of his neck. "This is what Nathan in love looks like?"

He kisses along your jaw and pulls back, glasses a little askew. He looks wrecked, completely gone. Like he's drunk but on you instead of liquor. He smiles, pressing another kiss to your lips.

"You're damn right it is."

End

______

Thank you for reading. Please reblog if you enjoyed! - A

Header by delicate-venus

*****Note: none of my works should be posted anywhere outside of my linked accounts. I do not give permission to repost with or without credit to my accounts. Please notify me of any reposted works.*****

#ex machina #ex machina fic #ex machina fanfic #nathan bateman #nathan bateman fic #nathan bateman x reader #nathan bateman fanfic #oscar issac #oscar isaac #oscar isaac fic #oscar isaac character

[suituuup]

pieces - chapter three

Five years ago, Chloe dropped off the face of the Earth. Beca sees her again in the most unexpected place.

rated: E for drug use and sex scenes

AO3 LINK

*

“Bec?” 

Beca hummed absentmindedly, blinking out of her daze and twisting her head in the direction of the voice. 

Sarah smiled gently as she leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen. She cocked an eyebrow, giving a pointed look towards the sink. “I think the pan is clean.” 

Beca glanced down, stilling her movements. She had been scrubbing that pan for probably ten minutes now, her thoughts completely consumed by Chloe and what she was supposed to do next. 

Chloe clearly didn’t want to see her, and Beca wasn’t going to wait by the phone when it was clear that Chloe was far from okay. She was thinner than Beca remembered, and the look in her eye, the lack of light in those once bright blues, chilled Beca to the bone. 

She looked… broken. As though her spirit had repeatedly been battered until all that was left were mere pieces of her old self. 

If there were any left at all.

Beca couldn’t stand the thought of not doing anything, and she needed to come up with a plan to help Chloe without driving her into a corner and risk losing her forever. 

“What’s going on?” Sarah questioned, pushing off the doorframe and padding over. She rested her hand between Beca’s shoulder blades, her eyebrows knitted together in concern. “You’ve seemed off today.” 

Beca released a sigh, setting the pan down into the sink and reaching for the dishtowel laying next to her on the counter to dry her hands. “I’m sorry, I’m just… worried about a friend.” 

Sarah nodded slowly. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Sarah was unexpected, to say the least. Beca was a workaholic, and her career was too time-consuming for her to get into the whole dating thing. But Sarah, who happened to work as a barista in Beca’s favorite independent coffee shop, had somehow managed to convince Beca to go out with her. One dinner surprisingly turned into a second date, then a third, and it just like that, it had been almost a year since they officially got together. 

Sarah was gentle, patient, understanding, overflowing with positivity, but most of all, incredibly kind. She reminded Beca of Chloe, sometimes. And maybe it was those similar personality traits that drew Beca to her in the first place. 

They didn’t live together. Beca could feel that it was the next expected step on her girlfriend’s end, but she didn’t feel ready to commit, yet. She liked her own space, her solitude. So Sarah spent a few nights a week at Beca’s place, like tonight, and Beca was fine with that. 

“Not really,” she replied, casting Sarah an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, it’s just-- complicated right now.” 

“You need to stop apologizing,” Sarah murmured, her expression soft and loving. Beca let her shoulders sag, ready to apologize again. “I understand. But if you do change your mind and need to let something off your chest, I’m here.” 

Beca nodded. “Thanks.” 

“Are you coming to bed?” 

“Not yet, I wanna get some work done, first.” She leaned in to peck Sarah’s lips. “You go ahead, I’ll join you soon.” 

Walking across the living room and past the huge floor to ceiling windows looking over Central Park, Beca made her way to her home office, her happy place. She had bought the Manhattan condo two years ago, making it a requirement during her house-hunt to have a large room with plenty of light and enough space to store all her records and her music equipment. It was also where she kept her Grammys and other prizes, away from the attention as nobody really stepped into her office.

She usually popped a blues album on the record player, enjoying the soothing instrumentals while she replied to various emails, but not tonight. Tonight, she grabbed a yellow legal notepad and her headphones from her desk and curled up on the leather couch tucked in the far corner, then scrolled to her Spotify playlists until she found the one she was looking for. 

she is magic

Beca couldn’t remember the last time she had listened to her Chloe playlist, one she had made back in Barden when she was hopelessly in love with her best friend. They were songs that reminded her of Chloe, or songs that Chloe liked. Or used to like, at least. 

As lyrics she knew so well poured into her headphones, blocking out the rest of the world, different ones flowed out of Beca’s heart, materializing on the paper in front of her in black ink as she scribbled across the page. Lyrics about friendship, unrequited love, and regrets for listening to her brain and not her heart all these years ago. 

It was pushing on two am by the time Beca called it a night. Her eyes burned, her mind felt mushy, but her soul felt a tiny bit lighter. Music had always been her therapy, and writing songs had always proved more efficient than paying a licensed professional, even though it had been years since Beca had last finished one, for lack of inspiration. 

Or rather, because of the absence of her muse. 

*

She woke up five hours later to a stiff neck and sore back, the bright sunlight pouring in from the windows lining one of her office walls drawing her from her sleep. She had meant to go to bed, before deciding to close her eyes for five minutes right on the couch. 

Straightening with a groan, she grabbed her phone and turned it over, hoping to see a text from an unknown number on her screen. 

Aubrey Posen [6:23am]

Any news? 

Aubrey Posen [6:37am]

Should I come to New York? 

Aubrey practiced family law up in Boston. She and Beca saw each other a few times a year, whenever Aubrey was in the city. Bella reunions were a bit more scarce now, with the girls being scattered all around the country. Their last one dated back to a year and a half ago, on the Fourth of July. 

Beca ran a hand over her face and heaved out a sigh, swiping her thumb across the screen to unlock it. 

Beca [7:16am]

No news yet. I think I’m gonna wait a few days before I head back to the club, if she doesn’t call in the meantime that is. The manager gave me serious sleazy vibes and I’m sure he could blacklist me if I’m too insistent. I don’t think there’s any need for you to come down for now. I’ll keep you posted. 

Hitting send, Beca pushed to her feet and shuffled out of her office, hanging a left down the hall towards the kitchen. A note next to her coffee thermos sat on the island. 

Missed you last night, but I hope you got whatever you needed done. I had to leave for my shift, you’re welcome to swing by for your second coffee of the day and your morning kiss ;) have a good day!

Sarah xx

Guilt swooped in over picking old feelings about an ex-almost over her girlfriend, and Beca let her head hang forward, releasing a grown. She was far from an expert at this relationship thing, but she cared about Sarah a lot and didn’t want to mess that up. 

Beca shook off the sleepiness lingering in her bones and the stiffness in her muscles with a long, hot shower, then got ready for her day. She usually got to the office at 8 sharp, but it was already 7:54 by the time she was out the door, and her commute lasted about twenty minutes, so she wouldn’t get the chance to stop by Sarah’s workplace. 

To: Sarah 

I’m sorry, I got caught up in work last night and ended up falling asleep on the couch around 2. Come over tonight? I’ll cook dinner. Have a good shift.

Her morning was spent in the studio canning vocals for girl in red’s new album, a project Beca was stocked about as she was BMLJ’s most promising artist for this year’s Grammy Awards. 

“That was awesome, Marie,” Beca spoke into the microphone, giving her a thumbs-up through the glass. “Let’s take a lunch break and resume in an hour?” 

“Sounds good,” the younger woman agreed with a smile as she took off her headphones. 

Beca headed back to her office down the hall and checked her phone for any new messages (finding none important), before shrugging on her thick winter coat and screwing her beanie over her head. 

“I’ll be back in an hour, Gina!” She told her assistant on route to the elevator. 

As Sarah’s workplace was just five blocks south from the label, Beca figured she would eat lunch there as she wasn’t able to stop by that morning. She stopped in the convenience store across the street from the coffee shop to buy Sarah her favorite magazine as she knew her break was coming up soon and she’d have something to read. 

Beca was scanning the press stand for that specific magazine, not paying attention to the person walking into the store until they spoke. 

“A pack of Marlboro, please.” 

Beca would recognize that voice anywhere. Her head snapped up so fast she felt something in her neck pull, and she was rounding the stand before she even registered giving her feet the order to move. “Chloe?” 

Chloe glanced over to her right and froze for a second, before fishing for a twenty in her jacket pocket and handing it to the cashier. “Are you following me or something?” 

Given their last encounter, Beca wasn’t surprised by Chloe’s snark, so she gave as good as she got. “You came in after I did, so maybe I should ask you that question.” 

Chloe stuffed the cigarette pack and the change into her pocket. “What do you want, Beca?” 

“To talk,” she replied, softly. “One coffee, that’s it. And if you decide you really don’t want me in your life, then I won’t bother you again. I promise.” 

Chloe seemed to ponder on that for a few beats. “One coffee.” 

“There’s a shop right across the street.” 

Taking her to the place her girlfriend worked at? Probably not the brightest idea, but she was afraid Chloe might go back on her decision if they spent too long finding someplace else. 

When Chloe nodded, Beca took the lead and stepped outside, forgetting all about that magazine as she racked her brain about what she should say. Tactfulness wasn’t her greatest suit; Aubrey would be so much better at this. 

They stepped inside Devocion and Beca picked a table in the corner, shrugging off her coat and draping it over the back of her chair. Chloe kept her jacket and beanie on, a bit hunched on herself as she sat down in the chair opposite Beca’s. 

“Beca?” 

Beca glanced towards Sarah as she approached, wearing a waist apron with the café logo on it. Her dark blonde hair was woven back in a French braid, a few strands escaping, and curiosity swirled in her green eyes as they flickered to Chloe. 

Okay, in hindsight, bringing Chloe here was a terrible idea. 

“Hey, um, Sarah, this is Chloe, a friend from college.” She cleared her throat. “Chloe, this is my girlfriend, Sarah.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Sarah replied brightly, her smile fading a little when all Chloe offered was a distant nod. Sarah met Beca’s gaze briefly, clearing her throat. “What can I get you guys?” 

“My usual. You want anything to eat, Chlo?” 

The nickname rolled off her tongue so naturally, Beca didn’t even catch it. 

Chloe shook her head. “Just a black coffee.” 

“Coming right up.” 

“Thanks,” Beca said as Sarah spun around on her heels, her focus shifting to Chloe. “So um, I wanted to apologize for the other day and putting you on the spot at the club. I just… wasn’t sure how else to talk to you.” 

“I can give you some of the money back if you need it.” 

Beca furrowed her brow, not having expected that. “No, no. I… it’s fine. I don’t care about money.” 

Something flashed in Chloe’s eyes at that, something Beca couldn’t quite pinpoint. 

Sarah came back with two coffees before she could analyze it further, setting the mugs down on the table. “Your club sandwich will be here in a few, babe.” 

Beca nodded, casting her a small, appreciative smile. 

Chloe straightened a bit in her seat, cradling the mug with both hands. “I’m not sure what you expect me to say or do, Beca.” 

Beca licked her lips. “I was hoping we could… hang out from time to time. I’ve missed you, Chlo. So has Aubrey.” 

The mention of Aubrey made Chloe lookup. “Does she live in New York, too?” 

“Um no, in Boston. She’s a lawyer. But she’d come down to have coffee, or lunch, or whatever you feel like doing. In a heartbeat.” 

Chloe shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

What little hope flared in the pit of Beca’s belly upon Chloe showing interest in Aubrey’s life vanished. “Why not?” 

“I told you. I’m not the same person anymore. I’m-- I’m not…” 

Beca tilted her head to the side. “You’re not what?” She pressed gently. 

Chloe’s gaze fleeted out the window as her rather calm demeanor now radiated agitation. Her knee started bouncing and her fingers tightened around the mug, and it was as though Chloe was battling against her own thoughts. 

She was itching to reach across the table to rest her hand over her wrist in a sort of grounding gesture, but something told her that would have the opposite effect. 

“Chloe?” Beca attempted once more, her voice as soft as she could muster, as it seemed like Chloe was on the brink of bolting. 

The tear slipping out of Chloe’s eye tore her heart into two. “I-I have to go.” 

Her chair screeched as she pushed it back roughly, and she was nearly out the door by the time Beca scrambled to her feet. 

It was lunch-hour rush in one of the busiest avenues in Manhattan, and Chloe had already disappeared in the crowd when she reached the exit, leaving Beca to helplessly wonder how someone like Chloe, once the epitome of sunshine, got herself trapped in so much darkness.

#bechloe #bechloe fanfic #bechloe fic #beca mitchell #chloe beale #pieces

[incorrect-bkdk-quotes]

Hello! I hope it’s okay to ask you questions! I recently re-joined the fandom, bkdk being my main ship had me rewatch and re-read all of their moments! I have some doubts and wanted to ask you about them! We know that bakugou was insecure and punished deku for that. I never understood tho, where exactly is the correlation in this? Also, has he always been worried for deku? Should we see every past moment as him worrying for deku in his own toxic way? ( before actually realising what he felt? ) like when he didn’t want him to join U.A. ? worrying about the quirk? There are these things that I’m not so sure about and I know that are pretty important for them.. so I hope you can explain them to me! I’m sure there’s more I would like to ask, but I don’t even know if I have enough space for my ask eheh

Anon before you decide to hate me, pls understand that I wrote a v nice long meta on this and thought it had been uploaded and I was VERY confused to see that Tumblr just,,,, ate my post,,, :(

I want to rewrite everything I did, but idk if I'll manage to be that eloquent again gdi-

Anyway hello!! I joined the fandom pretty recently myself and I do relate to your experience of combing through the manga + show looking for any nods to your favourite characters and ships!

Before I start rambling, I would like to remind everyone that this is Art, and art is meant to be interpreted.

This is just how / interpreted the story, and it is definitely not the only way to interpret the material, nobody reads into the nuances exactly the same. Also this is bakugou centric bec that's what the anon asked, but dw I have put as much thought into izuku's side of the story too!

Correlation between Bakugou's insecurities and his treatment of Izuku

Ok so I think the correlation comes from the fact that Bakugou has been raised as a typical gifted child, being told he is the best and special and better than everyone else by all the adults or authority figures in his life. However he has also been raised to think that all his "special-ness" comes from his powerful quirk and not him intrinsically. How does he deal with this? By basing his entire identity around his quirk and his sheer power of course and ends up with a self esteem is based in what he can do, not who he is.

This leaves a gaping hole at the core, that's his biggest insecurity. "Who is he without the flashy quirk?" So instead of dealing with that (understandable, he's like what 5? when the quirk kicks in?), he accepts that this is just how the world is. He's just better. More worthy. And everyone will just have to deal with that fact. Not his problem.

Now comes in quirkless izuku, weaker than katsuki in everyway that he saw, but clinging to the same hopes, same ambitions that katsuki did, and it pisses him off while also scaring him. Not exactly in a sentimental i-secretly-worry-about-my-old-friend kind of way.

I just think he's intimidated by Izuku's hero spirit. His insecurity complex manifests as the question- Would he be as driven as Izuku is, to be a hero, if he didn't have the backing of his quirk? That's a hard fucking question that Katsuki is definitely not ready to ask himself. (Oh source? Uh the remedial arc dialogue "if you keep looking down on others, you'll never see your own weakness")

Everything about izuku challenges his perception of the world and he lashes out and tries to squash his own feelings of inadequacy.

And he is convinced Izuku can see through him, and that izuku thinks of himself as a better person and hero than katsuki. Which almost definitely fucks his already fragile self esteem.

Obviously he's wrong to do so. On the other hand he's a child, he's not emotionally mature enough to realise what he's thinking, or contemplate what he's saying before he's said it and that definitely fucks up his relationship with midoriya.

Should we see every past moment through the lens of bakugou being secretly worried for midoriya?

I don't know what we can and should do, I just know that I do not exactly do that. Bakugou wasn't a nice kid and that's just how it is. (What matters is that he worked on himself till he got better and he cares now. He's cared since the early days of watching Deku at UA I'd guess)

I will always view their interactions after UA began with leniency because they're both growing so much.

I do not know how universal this experience is, but a great change, something like going to college, or in this case high school, really Fucks with your world view.

Katsuki has always been the best, far outclassing his peers at everything he did. For the first time he is amongst other strong individuals who can keep up with him, including Deku. Katsuki's still brilliant, but he has to work for that number one spot. (I would go into how his inferiority complex makes it hard for him to accept anything but first spot but we don't have the time)

Just as importantly, Katsuki has also found something at UA, guidance from adults who still expect brilliance, but for more than simply due to his quirk. He also finally makes actual friends (yay bakuquad) who don't turn and flee at the first sign if trouble (.. yes I'm looking saltily at those kids from Aldera who ditched him withinn 2 seconds during that sludge villain attack)

To paraphrase from The Good Place "People change and grow when they receive external love and support, how can we hold it against them if they don't"

With so much changing in his life, is it that hard to believe that Katsuki Bakugou gets better as a hero and as a person?

I am not touching the manga, because idk how much you've read anon, (really the current arc just says it all so clearly!) but even before the end of Season 3, you can see the change in his behaviour.(Yes I'm talking about his acknowledgement of izuku's strength, and yeah Obviously I'm talking about the vulnerability he displays in Deku vs Kacchan 2.0)

And yeah like they say- "the best apology is changed behaviour"

[sorry anon, this veered a little off topic by the end but I hope I hit all your queries??]

#bnha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #my hero academy #bakudeku #bkdk #mha #bakugou katsuki #bakugou #katsuki #midoriya izuku #midoriya #izuku #deku #kacchan #bnha meta #bakugou meta #correct bnha #serious post #asks #2k #not a quote

[lightcomingthroughthedarkness]

So I'm in a weird dating situation and I'm just confused and thought lets ask tumblr, lol.

So over the summer I started dating a guy. The first time we met, things went well but I had a gut feeling something wasn't right but I couldn't for the life of me put my finger on it. It was just a gut feeling, something just felt off.

We kept on dating all summer and we realized almost right away that we are very different people. I'm direct, honest and go all in. Even though I'm an introvert in most cases, I felt like I needed to be upfront with him about my intentions. So much so, that I admit, I was overdoing it a little. He was more chill and wanted us to slow down and just date and see where we'd end up. But if I have a feeling or a thought, I share, in the name of being honest and upfront about my intentions. Not him. He's a thinker and needs time to form his thoughts before speaking. And if he doesn't feel like saying something, he keeps it to himself. So to say the least, our style of communication was veeeery different. I acknowledged this and talked to him about it so we could better understand one another. Again, he helped me chill down a little and just be in the moment so I didn't think it was all bad.

What I noticed almost right away, was that I was always more interested in his life and asked him thousands of questions about his work, his family, his hobbies, his likes and dislikes etc and he thought I asked "too many questions". He felt like I was overdoing it. Meanwhile, he never really had many questions about my life at all. I brought this up so we could communicate and discuss. His answer was that he was interested in me but that his communication style was different. He wasn't used to direct questions but would rather see us talk and discuss and through discussions, learn more about one another. So I tried that by backing down on questions and letting it flow. He tried too, by starting to ask me questions to show his interest (which he later admitted that he had to google "what to ask someone you're dating")

However, I noticed again that not much happened in regards to him learning more about me. He'd freely share information about his family, his work, his life by sending me photos and little funny stories about them/him. It was important to him that I knew that he was beloved by friends, family and co-workers. It was also important to him that I knew that he was capable, respected and valuable. Even though I later found out he was leaving his job due to a disagreement with his co-boss in their shared business.

Since we had agreed on a more "free discussion" style of communication, I didn't wait for him to ask me, I just shared photos and information about my life too. The difference was that I always had some follow up question about his life, I showed interest in his relationships with his family members, I made small comments about things he'd share with me to show him I was listening and that I cared to learn more. He would never do the same for me. He'd acknowledge what I shared with him but had no follow up questions or comments. He even said once that it was too soon for me to share private information because "we aren't there yet" while he had already sent me family photos of his family. Sometimes I felt like my photos/stories about my life were sent out into the void. I couldn't understand how you show interest in someone's life.. by literally having nothing to say?

At the start of us dating he was direct with me that he expected us to have an active sex life because he believes sex is part of dating. I agreed but wanted to wait until I was more comfortable with him. He kept telling me he wasn't interested in a relationship without the sexual part. Finally, I felt more comfortable and told him I was ready after our 3rd or 4th date. But then he started acting weird telling me he thought it was better to wait longer, as I had originally wanted to do. I was so confused and felt rejected. I again was upfront and told him I was ready. So we made plans and met up. Turns out he needed to tell me that he had been suffering from a lot of stress and psychological pressure from a lot of different things in life so it affected his physical health. I was shocked. He had made it suuuper clear that he expected sex.. only to keep such information from me. I was supportive and wanted him to know that I was a safe place for him.

So while all of that made me confused and I did bring it up several times with him, he kept showing up. He would always text me, always tell me good night/good morning with heart emojis, always reach out during the day to catch up, always asked to see me and hang out with me, even when we'd argue he'd never call me names, he'd never yell at me or touch me unless I wanted him to. He just kept showing his interest by showing up. Even though I thought some of our contact lacked depth. But I was willing to let a lot slide.

But since the summer, we've been doing long distance with me planning on visiting next month. So we kept in touch by text mostly. Again, he kept on showing up. Not one day went by without him reaching out to me. In that way, he made his interest clear. He kept using pet names for me and was always very sweet like that.

But still, our communication didn't improve much. We still had a lot of big differences about values and life. Sadly, I never really thought he took my feelings seriously about how sad I was that our communication was lacking. I mean, the guy kept showing up in a lot of ways, even through long distance... but he couldn't ask one question about my life or make me feel like he was truly interested in ME. Instead he thought I was overdoing it, trying to shape life to fit a "rule book" and how I just couldn't live in the moment like him. To me, it felt like he was just ignoring my reasons for wanting to make my intentions clear and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't share my intentions. He said he did, that he too was dating me with the intention of a future together but that we just differ in our ways to get to that future. Again, I was willing to let it slide that perhaps I wouldn't get ALL my emotional needs met and that I needed to trust the process.

While learning more about each other, he told me how he is a stubborn person and will cut a person out of his life if he believes "the other person doesn't deserve to be in his life". He did this to his best friend after they had a fight. But his friend "clawed" his way back into his life and finally he relented and realised his friend "valued their friendship over a fight". He told me he doesn't trust anyone but "god and myself". He told me if someone likes him, he likes them back. If a woman breaks up with him, he'd stop caring about her in 5 seconds because "why should I care if she doesn't care" and then she'd be dead to him. I learned that he had lost his mother as a child and a part of him doesn't feel whole and his only wish is that he'll see her again in the afterlife. I once asked him if he ever forgive people in his life for making a mistake, he said "never". He said if someone wronged him, he'd wait 50 years if he had to but he'd always "find a way to get even".

He told me about an ex, how she cheated on him when they were teenagers. She came back and wanted to date again, so he went out with her and they ended up having sex.. only for him to throw her out right after they finished because she was a "bitxh for thinking he'd take her back". He basically made her believe they'd fix it, played her for some cheap sex and then kicked her out. He was furious with me when I called him out on that behavior and he said "only god can judge me".

He also told me he had gone to therapy a few years ago but he was very private about why he went. So I told him a little about why I went but still, he didn't share much. He just said "I'm a complex person to understand. I have a lot of love to give but it's your job to find that love". He always felt judged, criticized or offended by me, even though it was never my intention. I could question something he had said or done and he'd get annoyed with me for "judging him all the time" or "always expecting the worst". I asked him how he wanted me to communicate with him so we could minimize situations where he'd feel that way but he didn't have an answer, just that I "talk normally".

All of these stories made me feel weird and I wasn't comfortable with it. Then one day we had an argument about our lack of communication and I was just so fed up, I decided to ignore his good morning text and didn't text him all day but I posted a story on instagram about something completely irrelevant to our relationship (a story with my niece). I needed to think, to understand my own feelings and try and understand what our problem was before reaching out.

Later that day he got annoyed and told me to stop behaving like a child. So I finally reached out and texted him back. I asked him how come he couldn't understand that it hurts my feelings that we can't even seem to TALK to each other without misunderstandings, how he makes fun of me by saying I need a "rule book" to life etc for simply wishing we could be better at communicating. He said he didn't make fun of me and that he didn't believe my reaction was normal since the fight wasn't that big a deal.

What did he do? He broke up with me right then and there. Told me it is unacceptable to him that his partner ignores him/his texts and that he can't handle being ignored. While I agree, I should not have ignored him but rather talked to him about it, I'm only human and was growing so frustrated. I said, lets talk about this, lets talk about triggers and what deal breakers we have so we can better understand each other and not repeat the same mistakes. He said he wasn't interested and that he could "never forgive me for this mistake". He couldn't see himself spending his life with someone who ignores his texts because what if this happens again? No, he was not interested in giving me a chance to explain or for us to learn more about the other. I asked him if maybe there were other reasons for him losing interest (me being so direct, too open, moving too fast, my own issues that I work on every day and acknowledge etc) he said no, it was just that ONE mistake, my not answering one text message.

I told him that I thought his reaction to my not returning ONE message, after a fight, was a bit of an overreaction but he said he couldn't risk it, in case I do this again in the future. He said he refuses "to be made a fool" by me so he is no longer interested to continue dating because I had shown my true colors by not texting him back but still posting on instagram as if I didn't see his text. He said "that was clearly directed at me" even though I explained that I have a life outside of him. I asked him if he still liked me and he said that he did but that it wasn't enough after my mistake.

So I asked him what we are going to do about my visit next month. He said he is willing to see me if that's what I want, to see him, but he's not interested in a relationship any longer. He also said he's willing to still text with me sometimes and that he doesn't want to come across as "the bad guy". So if I want to stay in contact with him we can do that, we can talk and we can meet up too. But nothing else.

Wtf. I am no longer interested in a relationship with him after all this.. but what the actual fuck. Am I crazy here.. or maybe is his "black and white" way of thinking just impossible to deal with in a relationship? I would have accepted and respected his decision 10000 times over if he had said that he no longer likes me and doesn't see a future for us. But breaking up over my not returning ONE TEXT MESSAGE?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

#personal #relationships #🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️