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gaygodlywriting · 1 year

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«not-so picasso» l.minho

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«genre: fluff + slight angst?

«pairing: lee minho x m! reader (M as in MALE, fem readers DNI)

«warnings: self doubt??, mild swearing

«relationship status: lovers

«summary/prompt: A draws B super well, but B draws A “poorly” but A still loves it just as much.

«word count: 2108

«type: full fic

«writer: maddox

«a/n: i think i managed to self insert a bit i’m sorry.. (not proofread and there has been many late night add ons which means many late night mistakes)

«requests: open (pls request im begging)

«masterlist

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minho was someone you admired dearly. he was so pretty, he is so perfect and you couldn’t help but allow your eyes to wander his features on a daily basis. his structure, his body type, his smile, his emotions, all of it was engraved into your head at some point. From the big things to the little things: the way his mouth curved so beautifully, just like his mother, when he smiles. the small scar on his stomach that he doesn’t like showing, the stars in his eyes when he has his cats with him.

his beautiful laugh that makes you smile each and every time. his need to be noisy and loud brings comfort to you in the weirdest ways. his cute obsession with his fur babies. his work ethic, his dancing skills, his pretty singing. the way he loves his members so much, the way he shows love to everyone he knows in his own way. his teasing, oh you adore his teasing. it’s so cute to you. sketching was a way you could appreciate him more.

so that’s what you did, you have a sketchbook dedicated to the lee minho. drawings of different emotions, feelings. some emotions that he might not like the best: sadness, anger, guilt, etc. all drawn in a sketchbook, you don’t see any emotion in a negative way. emotions are such a baffling thing to you, but it’s also so artistic to feel things.

you want all his emotions on your paper, you want to understand them, feel them. art was something that came naturally to you, you most definitely got better overtime but it wasn’t necessarily hard. art was a way of expression for you, and also a way of figuring out people. if that makes sense; using art to study feelings was your way of learning and developing an understanding for those emotions.

emotions are so complex, there's no true understanding for them. but art somehow just makes it seem like those emotions are something more than just feelings. it turns them into what they deserve to be recognized for, beauty. to feel is so wonderful, though it may not always seem that way.

you were at your desk in the corner of the room you shared with your partner, it was around 19:34. the natural light that had been previously flowing in through the window was no longer as bright. it had started to dim and you couldn’t see the marks you were making on your paper anymore. so you reached over to the desk light and flipped the switch on at the base of the lamp.

it wasn’t positioned to your liking so you swiftly adjusted it so you could see your work. you glanced up to the dimmed computer screen in front of you to see what song was about to play. it was the theme song from one of your favorite bl dramas, tharntype.

just as you were about to return to your work a little furry creature jumped in your lap. it was one of three of your boyfriend’s kids, soonie, he had wiggled his way under the desk and climbed onto your lap. he sat right on your thighs and had laid his paws and head on your forearm. you couldn’t tell if you were frustrated or in awe at the sight. he started purring like a motorboat in your lap, so you stopped to pet him for a bit before attempting to draw with one arm.

drawing brought you happiness, for the most part. this piece was stressing you out, soonie noticed too. pieces, such as this one, tend to stress you out as you just want it to look perfect but something always seems off. you just wanted it to be perfect, the idea in your head had been. but your execution hasn’t been very much to your liking. it was so frustrating, beyond imaginable.

you kept playing around with it, and many crumpled pieces of paper on the floor later, you couldn’t seem to figure it out. you let out a frustrated groan, then a click sound was made and the door was swung open. minho had finally arrived home.

“minho.” you spoke extending the ‘o’ sound with a little whine to your voice. he looked around and let out a small sigh at the mess. he walked over to you and pulled you off the chair that was giving you a backache after so long. he wrapped his arms around your neck giving you access to slither your arms around his waist. you slightly pulled him closer and buried your head in his neck.

“troubles?” he spoke softly, you nodded your head into his shoulder and tried to sink deeper into the hug. he smiled at his boyfriends’ actions and hugged you tighter. you guys stood like that for a few minutes in silence, “can i see it?”

you pulled away and turned around grabbed the best one off the table. you hesitantly gave him the sheet of paper. he took it out of your hand and examined the detailed sketch. you couldn’t read his face at that moment, `does he like it?`, thoughts coursed through your head. you kept a straight face even though you were nervous, `was it really that bad? why isn’t he saying anything?`.

why is it so damn hard to just feel proud of yourself? you just want it to be relieving, not stressful. when it came to art, you were very naturally talented and had a ton of practice. but as a kid, you got harsh criticism from your family for your art, you wanted nothing more for them to feel proud of you. somehow, even though you knew your boyfriend loved your creations, you couldn’t help but think he was lying to you or think he didn’t mean anything he said.

for whatever reason seconds felt like hours, you started to feel yourself tear up at the thought of someone not liking your art again. especially when that certain ‘someone’ was the love of your life. part of you knew he would love it and he would never lie to you, but that part had succumbed to the part that doubted him. that part of you brought you so much guilt, how could you think your boyfriend was lying to you when he’s done nothing but love you with his everything.

your head dropped as you subconsciously stared holes into the floor, minho had noticed something was off. he knew exactly what it was too. he set the piece of paper back on the table and put his hand to your cheek trying to lift your head to look at him.

“hey, y/n baby, what’s going through your head?” he spoke, trying to get you to look him in the eye but you refused. you slightly shook your head in response, you didn’t want to admit to him what you were thinking. “i can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” he said a little stern, but in an endearing way. he needed communication, although he had a sense he couldn’t help you with just an urge.

“do you..” you trailed off slightly, rethinking the decision to speak. he stared at you, waiting for you to finish, he raises his eyebrows slightly to indicate that you can continue when your ready. you paused and took a small deep breath. “do you hate it? the drawing i mean.”

It was silent for a second before lino lost his cool, he burst out laughing at you. you looked straight at him, almost stunned.

“what the fuck minho” you said with a whine undertone, you knew why he was laughing so you tried to keep your cool. but ultimately you failed and laughed with him. “don’t laugh at me, i have very valid thoughts.” you rolled your eyes at him, trying to joke around getting yourself in a better mood.

“yeah y/n, i hate it so much.” he extended the ‘so’ and rolled his eyes at you. you added to the theatrics by gasping loudly and gripping your chest falling back onto the bed. you guys laughed for a minute before minho looked you dead in the eye and spoke once more, “y/n, how could i hate it? have you seen the way i draw?”

“yeah of course i have, what does that have to do with anything.” you looked at him with confusion.

“one minute.” he quickly pushed himself off you, and crawled off the bed to the art desk. he sat down and opened your sketchbook dedicated to him. he found the newest unused page and gripped the pencil hurriedly sketching something in the book.

“babe, what are you doing?” you went to get up but he cut you off,

“don’t, i’ll show you in a minute,” he said turning towards you, once was finished talking, and you had sat back down and gotten comfy, he turned back around.

a few minutes went by with only the sound of the led scraping against paper in the background. “okay, i’m finished.” he grabbed both the sketchbook and the drawing you showed him a little bit ago. He crawled back on the bed, “look alright, this is yours.” he handed you your drawing letting you soak it in for a minute.

“okay, and?” you spoke looking up and him. he opened the sketchbook and maneuvered it so it was facing you. he looked down and pointed to his drawing,

“this is mine, that’s the best i can do.” he looked up at you, as you examined his drawing. “clearly theres a difference. last time i checked i wasn’t dating someone who was that incompetent.” he jokingly said, but with seriousness laced throughout the sentence.

“hey, i’m not that stupid.” you spoke defensively, he laughed slightly.

“okay if you say so,” he said with a smirk plastered on his lips, “if you don’t like this drawing so much, i’m stealing it.”

“it’s not even finished though.” you looked at the drawing once more.

he rolled his eyes, “you act like i care, i want it just how it is now.” you went to grab it but he swiped it first. “mine. you can have this one,” he handed you the sketchbook.

it was a really shitty, but cute, attempt at drawing you with his name signed in the corner. you loved it though, and you were going to keep it.

he made his signature loud ‘ahh’ noise, “it was a long day and drawing wore me out, can’t we just watch a movie with soonie, doongie, and dori now?” he whined at you. you quickly jumped off the bed and picked minho up swinging his legs around your waist. you pushed open the bedroom door and walked to the livingroom where you set minho down. you quickly scavenged around for the kids, and food because food was necessary. once you collected your children and some food you headed back to your lover who impatiently sat on the couch with a movie pulled up. the movie was ‘wish you’, the first bl drama that minho had ever watched. ever since lino had watched it, he continuously watches it with you and you comply because how could you not?

you set his babies down on his lap, then set the food on the coffee table just in front of the couch. you quickly climbed up on the couch and placed yourself right behind minho, your chest compressed against his back and your arms locked around his waist. he got comfy and then pressed play on the tv remote, the ‘emotion studio’ intro began to play.

you were a little ways into the movie before you got bored and started kissing minho all over his shoulders, neck, and head. pretty much wherever you could reach, he started squirming around.

“cut it out, pay attention to the movie” he whined trying not to laugh. you got one more kiss in just on the middle of his forehead, when he spoke he turned to look at you so you took your chance. it was a bit longer, you just wanted to the last one to be a good one.

“okay, okay fine.” you said getting comfy again. you felt so loved and comfortable when you shared these moments with your partner. you never wanted them to end. your breath slowed, and you began falling into a comfortable rest with the only person you could ever want to spend the rest of your life with (and of course, his three loveable kids).

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olderthannetfic · 9 months

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Hi there! I hope you're having a nice day.

Little bit of a rant and a bid for advice, if you or your readers have any. I hope that's alright.

I'm currently writing a fic or maybe multiple fics (plot bunnies be running rampant in me brains) about a rarepair of two guys. I'm a bi woman and have basically zero social skills, so in order to properly understand other people's body language, I like to look up guides or articles about body language between two people, although I know those things are full of bullshit and don't mean anything, and it's hard to find articles for example about whether another woman's body language indicates interest in you if you're a woman yourself, but eh, they're still better than my brain which is usually like "eh, could mean this or that or this or that or this or that or- basically could be anything, I wouldn't know that lol, now I'm tired and will shut off, bye" aka useless as well.

The results I've found have been absolutely useless. I like writing characters in a slightly plausible-sounding way, so I like incorporating body language as in acting choices or subconscious body language (or whatever a proper term might be) in my writing to make it sound more in-character. So for stuff like this, I usually just think "ok what is that person's expression and if I do it, what would that indicate me to be feeling currently", and I don't know if other people do that or if that's just me being bad with social stuff and intuition about it again, and if I should really try to get re-evaluated for autism which I have been advised to think about doing multiple times in multiple direct and indirect implicative ways such as people being like "hey btw are you autistic? no? you sure?" or "I know you got a negative diagnosis as a kid, but maybe that was wrong and you might wanna do it again because of all your social struggles and sensory stuff etc.", heh. (Have been diagnosed with ADHD though, so that might also just be it.)

Sorry for the rambling. English isn't my first language, so if anything sounds strange, that's to blame.

My question or rather bid for advice is: I am wondering if you or your readers might have any advice on where to find resources for reading body language and romantic or sexual implications in body language between two parties, in this case between two guys.

(Hopefully this is not too nonsensical or insensitive or something like that because that's not my intention. I just really don't know how to human or if there actually is some difference on how different people of different genders flirt consciously or subconsciously or if that's some weird unnoticed transphobic bio-essentialism shit that I hadn't yet noticed and sorted out of my head because I don't want to be transphobic since that sucks.)

Weeell...

If people have links to guides, that's great, but I do think that in the context of fanfic, people often write flirting that they find sexy or they write whatever the canon style of interaction is and recontextualize it as how these particular guys flirt.

They're not usually thinking "What does flirting look like in general?" and then having the characters behave in a new way.

A lot of our interpretation of body language in written fiction has to do with information we get from the POV character about how they're feeling internally. For the non-POV character, we may have the POV character's thoughts on what the body language means, but we're generally interpreting it based on media cliches and based on knowing this is a ship fic.

So the other dude acts like he doesn't like our POV dude and the POV dude is like "Alas, my pining is unrequited!" and the audience goes "Ooooh, it's one of those fics!"

If the goal is writing certain types of fic, you may not need a guide to How People Really Act as much as one to How Fans Interpret Such and Such a Behavior from Canon as Subtext.

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l4deeznuts · 8 months

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before i start i wanna say this is NOT a zellis or nickro hate post!!! i think both ships are cute but in my l4d world it's hard to pair them for a couple reasons

when it comes to nick being with ro, or any woman that is, it's hard to see it because he's a misogynistic asshole. he does get better throughout the game and id imagine as time went on in the apocalypse, whether they were officially rescued or got stranded again, the shitty parts of his personality would get better

BUT

it is also his personality. we don't know why he is the dirtbag he is.. could be literally anything. shitty parents/raised badly, trauma, hanging with the wrong crowd, etc

now don't get me wrong, nick isn't solely a douchebag. he obviously has positive, redeeming qualities about himself and he truly does care about the other three survivors. as we all know, humans are not one dimensional, so it's entirely possible for him to do a 180

but when you're in your mid 30s, probably been living rough one way or another your whole life, it would be really fucking hard to break out of those negative attributes

rochelle is too good for that. she does not deserve any kind of mistreatment. i will not argue

THIS ALSO GOES FOR NELLIS TOO THOUGH! any pairing with nick would be toxic one way or another honestly

i just feel like.. it would be different with ellis because he is such a ball of sunshine. you throw anything at him, and it bounces right off. he's so oblivious and in his own world, so sweet and caring-- a genuinely good person. i feel like he would be able to balance nick out and chill out his jerk attitude a bit

ellis is not really confrontational and overall does not have a mean bone in his body. hell, in game when nick said he hated him, he responded with "well, i still like you, nick." and because of this, i feel like he would truly be the first person in nick's entire 35 years of life that showed him genuine love, respect, patience, understanding, etc, which in turn would tug on nick's shriveled heartstrings

this doesn't mean that rochelle isn't sweet and wouldn't have the power to change nick for the better. but even tho she is also a genuinely good person, she doesn't take shit from anyone, especially not nick. many times in the game she steps up to him and puts him in his place. i feel like she could love him platonically/in a family type way, but romantically i don't think she could do it. i think it would just exhaust her and quite frankly piss her the fuck off

now when it comes to zoey and ellis, it would work... for a bit. ellis would most definitely treat zoey like a queen and they would have a healthy, loving relationship. however, zoey's personality is kind of going towards the opposite spectrum of ellis'*. she's a little on the brooding side, slightly awkward, and a little quicker than most to get ticked off. of course she has a sense of humor, is sweet, and does care about others. her and i are actually very much alike, and truthfully i don't think i could date a guy like ellis. even though he's damn near perfect for a man, he has a lot of chaotic energy. when you're someone with a lower energy-type personality*, it gets tiring after a while being around high energy people

zoey would more than likely be a homebody, wanting to watch tv and movies, play video games, etc, whereas ellis is your typical country boy-- fishing, hunting, working on cars, riding horses, drinking, doing dangerous and dumb shit with his boys, etc. i feel like after a while zoey would realize she just can't keep up with him, maybe even after a while he would start to even get on her nerves. i also feel like after a while he would think she was boring.. but in reality, they just don't really have much in common when it comes to their lifestyles

*i know you could kinda consider nick being closer to a lower-energy type personality because when he's not being an ass, he is rather quiet and to himself. BUT theres no such thing as a lazy introverted conman lol

*i also feel like it's easier to tolerate the same sex as you. a man annoying another man, or a woman annoying another woman is one thing, but a man annoying a woman is a whole other story lmfao

#left 4 dead 2 #left 4 dead #l4d2 #l4d #ellis l4d2 #nick l4d2 #rochelle l4d2 #zoey l4d2 #zellis and nickro are valid ships ok #i think the girls are just too good for the dummies tho lmao #i think thats why i like nellis so much #dumbasses deserve other dumbasses #all i ever do is babble about l4d and most of the time it doesnt make sense srry #like i said before in one of my previous posts #theres just enough lore that it leaves a great foundation #but leaves it empty enough to where anything could happen and it wouldn't be too unrealistic :3

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strawberrylollipop26-blog-blog · 10 months

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The Untamed/Actors

Okay. I finally watched The Untamed and I really cannot stop watching the series.

A few weeks ago, I was bored enough to watch the show. First, let me say that it wasn't because I harbored any negative thoughts. See, I've heard of the show for awhile now. However, my version of remembering is someone telling me one of the mains dies. Well, I'm not a fan of sad endings so I refused to watch the series for the longest time. It's been sitting in my Netflix cue for awhile. Possibly a month before, I'd watched Word of Honor and before that Alchemy of Souls which meant I was pretty desperate for something new in the fantasy world (and besides I love a man with long hair). Ha.

Anyway, I somehow came across someone advertising the story on TikTok so I found the book and couldn't put it down. Took me a few days to read through (mostly because I have a person in my life who demands attention). No excuses left except to watch the series.

I was a bit sidetracked at first. I mean, there are some things that are the same and others completely different. I'm old enough to know the reason why they didn't include the actual couple coupling. I wasn't even upset about that and even though I was thrown off by the scenes of WWX with Qing. I understood where they were coming from too. I didn't understand why they changed the other elements of the story: the yin iron pieces, WWX genius, "the sword (they removed the body parts and I was really looking forward to a headless man chasing the junior disciples around). Sadly this meant removing a lot of the funny, jaw dropping parts too.

Either way, although some aspects took longer, I really liked this series. I'm really bummed it took me years to watch it. I feel like I missed all the hype, but then again I think Covid snuck up on this show too and they had to stop promotions afterward. I'm glad that of the research I've done the show did so well.

The relationship between LZ and WY in the book and show makes me want to scream. Honestly, both can be appreciated in different ways. Watching the show, again I wasn't disappointed with the character representation or their relationship.

A plus was I never gave JC a second thought while reading the book and even started to dislike him. The JC on the show gave me all the feels.

The Actors

I found out the main leads for WWX and LZ can actually sing. They're so good. The past week or so they did a show and I was able to hear them. I went down the rabbit hole after that. I didn't even know they sung the theme to The Untamed. I should've probably looked it up, but at the time I was too obsessed with the beautiful flute(?) playing to pay much attention to the singing.

Now, I'm in the process of discovering if I'm going to be a new fan.

Sidenote and complete digression. BTS it hasn't even been a full year and I'm already falling in love with new people. My heart was supposed to belong to them only. End of sidenote.

I've found other shows with the actors in them to try and discover if I actually like them or it's the hair and the story. I thought I liked actors before and then I just had a hard time being interested when I see them without hair. Sadly, I started watchin Xiao Zhan's new show and he unfortunately has hair so I'm still in love. Although, I found his other show Oath of Love and I'm going to check that out, but I think I should wait. I don't know if I should watch two shows at the same time with the same person. How will I ever know it's true?

His new show "The Longest Promise" is interesting, but I'm not sure how to feel about it right now. I'm taking my time so I'm only on episode five. Important note about me is I always choose streaming because I hate waiting for shows to come on. I know these are supposed to come out daily, but still. Normally, I'm the type of person to wait until everything's out to watch it.

I even found Legend of Fei with Wang Yibo, and he also has hair. I know he has another movie called Hidden Blade (I think), but I was unable to find that one.

Well, I will be digesting their other shows to see if I want to jump into new fandoms. Who am I kidding? I'm already in the shallow end.

#the untamed #wei wuxian #lan wangji #lan zhan #wei ying #xiao zhan #wang yibo

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jemmahazelnut · 1 year

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Laxus

I mainly like him because he's hot, I admit it haha. No ok, actually in my opinion he's a good character, maybe not very well written because he goes from shit to good in a short time and come on, he had tried to kill everyone so maybe he deserved to spend more time before returning to Fairy Tail. However, other than that, I like the second part of Fairy Tail where we can see him trying to make it up to his guild mates, although even here, I would have liked to see more. Like, Laxus is a character who has quite a bit of screen time, especially when it comes to epic fights, but I would have liked to see his connection to the guild in a different way. Like, seeing someone still hold a grudge against him, seeing him actually having a hard time talking to guildmates but trying and not just the type to stay away.

Obviously the story of him with Ivan was a flop but I think everyone has said enough about that. At the same time I really like the fact that now he is dedicated body and soul to the guild, his bond with Mavis and Yuri. I like that he will become a good Master.

All in all, even though I've mainly said negative things, I actually like him. Not my favorite character, but it comes pretty close.

Oh, and while I understand that fans make him dirty (well, he's fucking hot I won't deny it, go on with smut fics and artworks), I also think it's funny that in canon he's most likely aroace.

#laxus dreyar #fairy tail

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soul-dwelling · 1 year

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Enough pessimism for now. It's time to ask a positive question: What did you / are the things you did enjoy about Fire Force?

I would like to re-read the series to give a better point of view. But I don't want to put in that time right now, so, a lot of what I liked would have been pre-anime announcement.

So, LOL, I'm still going to be negative in some spots here:

The characters seemed to have enough personality.

I still think it's sexist to reduce Tamaki to just "fanservice bad luck person" (when it'd be funnier if she just had bad luck, period, no need to keep making it fanservice, just have things go wrong for her all the time). There is so much potential for her, and she deserves better.

And while there is a bit more complexity later with Maki, I think the "she misinterprets remarks to think it's insulting her appearance" gets stale.

That being said, Maki kicking ass was always good. Hell, before the anime announcement, there was variety in the types of girls and women in the series in terms of personalities, alliances, skills, body types--it's just that some got hit harder than others with dumb fanservice gags (Tamaki, Maki, Iris, Hibana). I wish more was done with Maki's mom, just given what back story we get for her later--but this is so annoying, to talk up what she used to do before she retired, instead of seeing her cut loose in a fight.

Hibana was a compelling antagonist...before she's reduced to lusting after teenage Shinra.

I think the artwork was fine. I was more excited by it before finding out how this all tied into Soul Eater, which makes differences in the art more understandable--but now also kind of saps enjoyment from them. (There is something about Ohkubo, right around the end of Soul Eater, during NOT, and during the beginning of Fire Force where character designs, especially in the faces, feel less unique, so flat, not as memorable as earlier artwork and especially compared to the 2008 anime). The character designs feel kind of same-y until Vulcan, Lisa, and Yu have a larger role, then it feels like that trio has so much more variety. (I miss Lisa's longer hair, though.)

The buildings and steampunk aesthetic were good.

Some fire demon designs were good, before leaning more into the doppel idea and then it kind of gets repetitive.

Some gags were really good; I still love Arthur shouting, "Call the fire department!" before Tamaki shouts back, "We are the fire department!" I wish more outlandish stuff was done with Takehisa's fashion disasters. Akitaru working out all the time made this cartoony and fun, as was Juggernaut just somehow surviving because thick clothing (...but then Akitaru and Juggernaut's gags, as well as what happens to Juggernaut in the Nether, is hampered when your entire series is acting like everything is not cartoony until Shinra does what he does in the finale, but whatever). The calendar arc should have worked as equal opportunity fanservice, so I appreciate the attempt, even as I hate putting in underage characters, and characters who were coerced against their will (Juggernaut).

The mystery of this post-apocalyptic world that has our same continents was engaging...until the real of a 3D world, which makes no sense even within the story, and is hard to represent when you are dealing with 2D artwork already. I wish more was done to engage with the pre-history of this world, to show more of which remnants remained, which history was forgotten or misremembered. We get Vulcan looking back at earlier species, but what about other history?

I like Benimaru and Konro--although the nationalistic bent bothers me, especially when we see the "New World" going to Japanese naming conventions again. This feels like it wants to be some political message ("Now the US can see the world through the perspective of Japan, and look what we do to Nevada!"), but it gets muddled.

I really enjoyed Joker before the doppel fight. I don't like the back story, but I understand the setup, especially when it comes to abuses by religious organizations against children. I enjoyed seeing his philosophy unfold, how he is cynical but determined in his goal. He is literally Batman but with the Joker's name and aesthetic. Don't have him run off with Burns, have him stay as this vigilante weirdo, that's more entertaining.

#dwells whines about fire force #long post

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wastelandlovingscenarios · 3 years

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I want this to be a short request but how would crushing!companions react to sole who holds their hand whenever they get scared and it slowly turns into a habit for them to always hold onto his hand?

omg this is literally so cute, bye. 🥺💗 i hope you enjoy, anon.

to keep it short, i’ll just write their reactions to when sole holds their hand and i will put ‘companions react to sole holding their hand as a habit’ in a separate post! <3

Danse:

it’s nothing new in his life— he’s experienced his fair share of people holding onto him during stressful and terrifying situations, so it’s something he’s used to. however, sole is an exception in this case. it’s been quite a while since he’s caught feelings for his companion, so it’s different in certain situations with them.

when they first get startled and hold his hand, he tenses up, his mind going completely blank as they wrap their fingers around his palm. though millions of people have done the same action to him in the past, this one feels different and he swears it makes him feel emotions he’s never truly felt before. before he can question what their intentions were, he noticed how they drew closer to him, eyes frantically scanning their surroundings and he realizes that there may have been an uncomfortable presence around.

so danse slowly takes a breath and squeezes their hand in return, looking down at them with red cheeks and a nervous expression. “you’re safe, don’t worry. if there appears to be any threat within our vacinity, i will neutralize it as best as i can.” when they look at him with a relieved smile, he feels his heart swell with emotions he’s never felt in his lifetime. he doesn’t dare to let go until sole feels safe enough to do so and even when they do, he fights the urge to take their hand in his once more.

instead, he impatiently waits for the next time he has the chance to hold their hand in his again, already excited though he refuses to admit it.

Deacon:

deacons not a very affection man nor has he received any affection from any other individual besides his late other half. To say this situation was terrifying for him was an understatement. he’s probably already dreading the fact that he has an unavoidable crush for his companion, not wanting to deal with that type of stress no longer.

the first time his crush rushes to hold his hand out of fear of their surroundings, he immediately pulls away out of habit and stares at them with a lump in his throat, words scrambled and refusing to leave his mouth for a moment. “i-, uh-“

with a mortified expression, sole waves it off with a flush on their face and an embarrassed tone, “shit i’m sorry. it’s just a habit, please don’t mind me.” they slowly distance themselves away from him and deacon quickly gets his act together, inwardly panicking that he may have hurt their feelings unintentionally. “no, it’s fine. i just- uh.” they tilt their head with a confused expression and instead of explaining himself, he lets out a soft apology and awkwardly goes on his way to save him the embarrassment. when he thinks about it later, he feels a pang of guilt hit him and realizes he may have been too harsh, so he tries to make an exception.

next time around, when sole does accidentally jump to grab his hand, it takes him a moment to calm himself down but does gather the courage to return the gesture. he would notice the surprised expression on soles face, and even though he’s internally losing it, he musters up the same shit eating smile he always has and cracks a joke; “charmer, i know it’s hard to stay away from me, but you could at least try.” when sole doesn’t respond and sends him a confused expression, he gives them a small smile and tugs their hand, “that’s okay though, i don’t mind. good ol’ deeks will scare the monsters away.”

when sole lets out a small chuckle, he feels himself grow agitated and immediately whips around to hide the blush on his face as he drags sole along with him. “we better get going if we wanna get outta this scary place. yknow, before you jump out of your shoes.”

Maccready:

he’s very to himself in most situations and values his personal space just as much as most people do in the commonwealth. he believes in a personal bubble and really enforces that idea, respecting his own personal space as well as others. however in this case, mac is probably just as scared as sole is, though he may be a lot better at hiding it.

when sole does grab his hand, he doesn’t give attention to it at first due to him being scared as well but when he does notice them showing signs of fear, he tries to reassure them, even though he’s flustered at the sudden contact. with a deep breath, he sucks in his negative emotions and decides to step up to bring comfort to them.

“hey, you okay?” when sole doesn’t respond, he just pulls them closer and squeezes their hand gently to grab their attention. when they do look at him, he smiles awkwardly, a inevitable blush dusting his cheeks. “earth to sole?”

when they explain their habit of doing so, he tries to lighten the mood by telling stories about his life in the capital wasteland and how he felt during his time at little lamplight, letting them know that he had similar fears and still continues to have them despite him experiencing the wasteland for years.

soon enough, their hands naturally find home in each other as they both continue exchanging similar experiences they’ve had, laughter filling the silence that sole feared just moments back.

Hancock:

hancocks a very touchy man and people do show him quite a lot of affection, so just like danse, he’s used to the constant attention others show him, only this time, the perspective is a little different. he enjoys it far more than other companions and doesn’t mind when they rush to hold his hand, though it catches him off guard.

for a moment, he processes the events occurring but once he does, he lets out a soft smile and a chuckles under his breath. he wants to let out a flirtatious comment or two, but fights the urge and instead, soothes their fear instead of embarrassing them.

“don’t worry, sunshine. you know i wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.” he’d rub his thumb against their knuckles and smiles when he sees the tenseness in their body melt away. “in fact..”

when he lets go of their hand, he sees the panic grow on their face and lets out a small chuckle. with a swift movement, he gently throws his arm over their shoulder and pulls them closer, rubbing their arm reassuringly.

“.. this might be a little more comforting. no matter what happens, i’ll always be ready to protect you this way. don’t you agree?” when they chuckle and nod at his suggestion, he pulls them closer to his body, whispering loud enough for them to hear.

“ ‘m always here for you, sunshine. you don’t ever have to be scared, especially with me around. don’t ever feel like you have to hide it from me.” sole lets out a small hum before leaning into his touch, trusting every word that left his mouth.

Nick Valentine:

nick is very understanding with a situation like this and doesn’t mind it one bit. though he does get a bit flustered, he tries to play out the scenario in a way where they won’t feel embarrassed about the events occurring. he’s aware that everyone has their fair share of fears, no matter how tough you play out to be.

“things can get pretty scary around here, i know.” when he smiles down at them, they feel a sense of ease and relax into his touch instead of having the urge to pull away. “waking up 200 years later in a completely different life will do that to you.”

sole would sigh and hold his hand tighter, their voice barely a whisper as their cheeks flush with embarrassment. “i wonder how you do it sometimes.”

nick lets out a small laugh at their reaction. “it wasn’t always like this, sweetheart. i was just as scared as you, maybe even worse.” sole looks at him with curiosity as he continues on, “theres always something new everyday but soon you’ll learn how to adapt to it.”

“you think so?”

“i know so.” his words are full of reassurance and comfort, allowing sole to let go of any negative feelings that filled their chest.

“good thing i have the best companion in the wasteland to guide me around this hellhole.” sole puts it out as a joke, but knows a part of it was the truth that she was wholeheartedly grateful for.

he proceeded to rub his thumb on their knuckles, feeling a sense of happiness in their comment, “i’ll do my best to meet your expectations, partner.”

Preston:

poor boy. he’d be a blushing mess if sole were to ever do something as simple as this. if they were to dart to grab his hand, even out of fear, he’d stutter in confusion, obviously flustered at the idea of them latching onto him. “w-what are you d-doing?”

his body would immediately freeze upon contact, stopping in his tracks despite the possibility of getting attacked at any given moment. when he catches the terror in their expression, he’s reminded that the general has their weak points too. so instead of questioning their actions any further, he tries to reassure them despite his pounding heart.

“did you wanna turn around? we can always find another route. we could even send a team of minutemen to do this for us.” when sole shakes their hand and swallows the lump in their throat, preston lets out a soft sigh and smiles at them softly.

“just leaving the suggestion out there, general. say the word and we’ll turn right back around.” sole would shake their head, their stubbornness peeking through the look of fear twisting on their face. “it’s fine. i can’t be selfish and let it get to me.”

preston would feel his heart swell at their sacrifice and the determination that they held, despite the odds going against them. gently, he squeezed their hand and looked down at them, seeing the curious expression on their face. “if that’s the case, just know i’m confident that nothing will tear you down. i have your back every step of the way,” he pauses for a moment, rubbing the nape of his neck nervously with a dorky smile, “even if it mean- uh -holding my hand. i’d be more than happy to.”

after a few moments of silence, sole processed his words and smiled at him in response, returning the squeeze. “thank you, preston.”

Sturges:

sturges is aware he isn’t the strongest man in the commonwealth nor does he have the ability to protect sole in most situations. however, if he had a choice, he would do the best he could and he knows that sole is aware of his intentions. yet, when they yelp with fear and lunge to him, taking his hand in theirs, he realizes that maybe he isn’t as weak as he sought out to be.

“you holding up ‘lright, sweetheart?” when they notice their actions, their expression slowly twists into a terrified one and they attempt to retrieve their hand as quickly as they can. sturges doesn’t stop them from doing so and instead just laughs heartily and offers his hand to them despite their reaction.

“i’m fine with it, yknow. i wasn’t complainin’ or anything, just wanted to check if you’re okay.” sole hesitates for a moment, eyes flickering from his hand to his face before replying. “are you sure it’s okay? it just gave me a little scare, you don’t have to-“

before they could continue, he moves closer, taking their hand in his with a light blush on his cheeks and a reassuring smile plastered on his face. “it’s the least i can do for you.” his actions are more than enough to reassure sole and they nod, accepting his offer. “thank you, sturges.”

Gage:

he doesn’t like crushes— gage is so used to the habit of a one night stand and constant hook ups that he absolutely forgets how loving someone feels like. as sole grips his hand in fear, he chokes up for a good second and immediately gets himself together, retreating his hand and glaring at them.

“the fuck you think you’re doing?” despite his tough demeanor, his voice becomes slightly shaky and a small tinge of pink dusts his cheek. this doesn’t go unnoticed at first, but sole knows they’re too distracted to point it out.

they would apologize with an embarrassed expression and he’d avert his eyes elsewhere before continuing on; “yer the damn overboss, some stupid shit like this shouldn’t scare you. you gotta be tougher than that if yer gonna survive in this world.”

he doesn’t realize the words that leave his mouth until his eyes fall on sole, who’s clearly embarrassed and overwhelmed with the situation and immediately feels a tinge of guilt. with a quiet groan, he slows down and averts his eyes elsewhere, waiting for them to pick up the pace. when sole lets out a confused hum, he forces the words to leave his mouth.

“hurry up and get in front of me, why don’t ya’? yer acting like i’d let the overboss get hurt on my watch.”

they would pause for a moment at his words but feel a sense of reassurance knowing that gage had their back, despite his attitude towards them. “okay.” sole would smile at him softly and he’d scoff, fighting the blush threatening to creep up on his face. this stupid love bullshit was doing nothing but holding him back.

“yeah, yeah. lets get a move on before i leave ya out here to get eaten.”

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blackstarising · 3 years

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coming back to this post i made again to elaborate - especially as the ted lasso fandom is discussing sam/rebecca and fandom racism in general. there are takes that are important to make that i had failed to previously, but there's also a growing amount of takes that i have to, As A Black Person™, respectfully disagree with.

tl;dr for the essay below sam being infantilized and the sam/rebecca relationship are not the same issue and discussing the former one doesn't mean excusing the latter. and we've reached the glen of the Dark Forest where we sit down and talk about fandom racism.

i should have elaborated this in my last post about sam/rebecca, but i didn't. i'll say it now - i personally don't support sam and rebecca getting together for real. i believe what people are saying is entirely correct, even though sam is an adult legally, he and rebecca are, at the very least, two wildly different stages of life. for americans, he's at the equivalent of being a junior in college. there are things he hasn't gotten the chance to experience and there are areas he needs to grow in. when i was younger, i didn't understand the significance of these age gaps, i just thought it would be fine if it was legal, but as someone who is now a little older than sam in universe, i understand fully. we can't downplay this. whether or not you think sam works for rebecca or not, even despite the gender inversion of the Older Man Younger Woman trope, whether or not he is a legal adult, i don't think at this point in time, their relationship would work. i think it's an interesting narrative device, but i don't want to see it play out in reality.

that being said!

what's worrying me is that two discussions are being conflated here that shouldn't be. sam having agency and being a little more grown™ than he's perceived to be does not suddenly make his relationship with rebecca justified. i had decided to bring it up because sam was being brought into the spotlight again and i was starting to realizing that his infantilization was more common than i felt comfortable with.

sam's infantilization (and i will continue to call it that), is a microaggression. it's is in the range of microaggressions that i would categorize as 'fandom overcompensation'. we have a prominent character of color that exhibits traits that aren't stereotypical, and we don't want to appear racist or stereotypical, so we lean hard in the other direction. they're not aggressive, they're a Sweet Baby, they're not world weary, they're now a little naive. they're not cold and distant, they're so nice and sweet that there's no one that wouldn't want approach them, and yeah, on their face, these new traits are a departure and, on their face, they seem they look really good.

but at a certain point, it reaches an inflection point, and, like the aftertaste of a diet coke, that alleged sweetness veers into something a lot less sweet. it veers into a lack of agency for the character. it veers into an innocence that appears to indicate that the person can't even take care of themselves. it veers into a one-dimensional characterization that doesn't allow for any depth or negative emotion.

it's not kind anymore. it's not a nice departure from negative stereotypes. it's not compensating for anything.

it's patronizing.

it is important that we emphasize that characters of color are more than the toxic stereotypes we lay on them, yes, but we make a mistake in thinking that the solution is overcorrection. for one thing, people of color can usually tell. don't get it twisted, it's actually pretty obvious. for another, it just shifts from one dimension to another. people of color are still supposed to be Only One Character Trait while white people can contain multitudes. ted, who is pretty much as pollyanna as they come, can be at once innocent and naive and deep and troubled and funny and scared. jamie can be a prick and sexy and also lonely and also a victim of abuse. sam, however, even though he was bullied (by jamie, no less), is thousands of miles away from home, and has led a protest on his team, is usually just characterized as human sunshine with much less acknowledgement of any other traits beyond that.

and that's why i cringe when fandom calls sam a Sweet Baby Boy without any sense of irony. is that all we're taking away? after all this time? even for a comedy, sam has received a substantive of screen time over two whole seasons, and we've seen a range of emotions from him. so as a black person it's hurtful that it's boiled down to Sweet Baby Boy.

that's the problem. we need to subvert stereotypes, but more importantly, we need to understand that people of color are not props, or pieces of cardboard for their white counterparts. they are full and actualized and have agency in their own right and they can have other emotions than Angry and Mean or Sweet and Bubbly without any nuance between the two. i think the show actually does a relatively good job of giving sam depth (relatively, always room for improvement, mind you), especially holding it in tension with his youth, but the fandom, i worry, does not.

it's the same reason why finn from star wars started out as the next male protagonist in the sequel trilogy but by the third movie was just running around yelling for REY!! it's the same reason why when people make Phase 4 Is the Phase For Therapy gifsets for the mcu and show wanda maximoff, loki, and bucky barnes crying and being sad but purposefully exclude sam wilson who had an entire show to tell us how difficult his life is, because people find out if pee oh sees are also complex, they'll tell the church.

and the reason why i picked up on this very early on is because i am an organic, certified fresh, 100% homegrown, non-gmo, a little ashy, indigenous sub saharan African black person. the ghanaian tribes i'm descended from have told me so, my black ass parents have told me so, and the nurses at the hospital in [insert asian country here] that started freaking out about how curly my hair was as my mother was mid pushing me out told me so!

and this stuff has real life implications. listen: being patronized as a black person sucks. do you know how many times i was patted on the back for doing quite honestly, the bare minimum in school? do you know how many times i was told how 'well spoken' or 'eloquent' i was because i just happen to have a white accent or use three syllable words? do you know how many times i've been cooed over by white women who couldn't get over how sweet i was just because i wasn't confrontational or rude like they wrongly expected me to be?

that's why they're called microaggressions. it's not a cross on your lawn or having the n-word spat in your face, but it cuts you down little by little until you're completely drained.

so that's the nuance. that's the subversion. the overcompensation is not a good thing. and people of color (and i suspect, even white people) have picked up on, in general, the different ways fandom treats sam and dani and even nate. what all of these discussions are converging on is fandom racism, which is not the diet form of racism, but another place for racism to reveal itself. and yeah, it's uncomfortable. it can seem out of left field. you may want to defend yourself. you may want to explain it away. but let me tap the sign on the proverbial bus:

if you are a white person, or a person of color who is not part of that racial group, even, you do not get to decide what is not racist for someone. full stop. there are no exceptions. there is no exit clause for you. there is no 'but, actually-'. that right wasn't even yours to cede or waive.

(it's also important to note that people of color also have the right to disagree on whether something is racist, but that doesn't necessarily negate the racism - it just means there's more to discuss and they can still leave with different interpretations)

people don't just whip out accusations of racism like a blue eyes white dragon in a yu-gi-oh duel. it's not fun for us. it's not something we like to do to muzzle people we don't want to engage with. and we're not concerned with making someone feel bad or ashamed. we're exposing something painful that we have to live with and, even worse, process literally everything we experience through. we can't turn it off. we can't be 'less sensitive' or 'less nitpicky'. we are literally the primary resources, we are the proverbial wikipedia articles with 3,000 sources when it comes to racism. who else would know more than us?

what 2020 has shown us very clearly is that racism is systemic. it's not always a bunch of Evil White Men rubbing their hands together in a dark room wondering how they're going to use the 'n-word' today. it's systemic. it's the way you call that one neighborhood 'sketchy'. it's how you use 'ratchet' and 'ghetto' when describing something bad. it's how you implicitly the assume the intelligence of your friend of color. it's the way you turned up your nose and your friend's food and bullied them for it in middle school but go to restaurants run by white people who have 'uplifted' it with inauthentic ingredients. it's telling someone how Well Spoken and Eloquent they are even though you've both gone to the same schools and work at the same workplace. it's the way you look down at some people of color for having a different body type than you because they've been redlined to neighborhoods where certain foods and resources are inaccessible, and yet mock up the racial features that appeal to you either through makeup or plastic surgery.

it's how when a person of color behaves badly, they're irredeemable, but a white person performing the same act or something similar is 'having a bad day' or 'isn't normally like this' or 'has room to grow' and we can't 'wait for their redemption arc', and yes, i'm not going to cover it in detail in this post but yes this is very much about nate. other people have also brought up the nuances in his arc and compared them to other white characters so i won't do it here.

these behaviors and reactions aren't planned. they aren't orchestrated. they're quite literally unconscious because they've been lovingly baked into western society for centuries. you can't wake up and be rid of it. whether you intended it or not, it can still be racist.

and it's actually quite hurtful and unfair to imply that concerns about racism in the TL fandom are unfounded or lacking any depth or simply meant to be sensational because you simply don't agree with it. i wish it was different, but it doesn't work that way. i'm not raising this up to 'call out' or shame people, but i'm adding to this discussion because, through how we talk about sam, and even dani and nate, i'm yet again seeing a pattern that has shortchanged people of color and made them feel unwelcome in fandom for far too long.

coach beard said it best: we need to do better.

#ted lasso #sam obisanya #ted lasso spoilers #fandom racism

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twjournals · 3 years

Text

What's Wrong is Right

This is the sequel to So Wrong It's Right.

The finale: The Right Place

Warning: dark!Peter Parker x reader, age gap BUT BOTH CHARACTERS ARE OF AGE, DUB-NON, pregnancy, mentions of abortion

PLEASE READ MY WARNING BEFORE CONTINUING. I am not responsible for your media consumption. Any and ALL negativity will be blocked. The majority of my content is 18+.

Word Count: 7k

Summary: You’re an old troubled friend of May’s. Your life consists of being a workaholic, a party animal, and bringing home the shittest of guys for a one-hit-wonder. Just when you get your life in order, you’re knocked right back into your old habits. Peter has watched you suffer long enough. He can make it all better.

Taglist: @discoverwhattheworldhastooffer

Things could not have felt any better than they did right now. You were still sound asleep beside him on the bed. You were so peaceful when you sleep, so perfect. Even with your hair a mess and what was left of your make-up on your face Peter still thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world.

As much as he could sleep, he did not want to miss a second of you. He longed to touch you again, to kiss you awake and go another round or two. He could stay the whole day in bed with you if you would let him. The thought of you coming undone underneath him replayed in his mind and his cock twitched in response. He needed to calm himself down, but that felt nearly impossible around you. The only thing stopping him was the fact he knew you needed the rest.

Peter laid on his side, taking in the sight of you. He could not understand how guys would use you the way they do, how they could hurt you and be okay with it. He could not understand the type of guys you went after either. They were all the same. It was almost like you were signing yourself up to get hurt. Peter just wanted to take all that pain away. He wanted to be the guy you needed. He was the guy you needed.

He let a sigh before pressing a warm kiss to your head. Sleep had finally won the battle. He let his eyes fall shut as his arms held your sleeping figure close. If only he could fall asleep like this every night.

When you awoke, the sun was shining bright the small cracks in your blinds, and seemed even brighter than usual considering your hangover. You rub your head as it ached. If there was one thing you did not miss about drinking, it was this.

You froze still when you felt the grasp around your body grow a little snugger. You were scared to see who was in bed with you. You tried to think for a moment, thinking back to last night. It was such a faint memory, a blur. Could it have been your ex? There was no way. Even drunk, you would not have fallen into that trap. You peaked over your shoulder, instant regrets washing over you. What had you done? You were in fact naked so there was no doubt what you had done last night.

May was going to kill you.

Your phone buzzed on the nightstand beside you as if on queue and you glanced over at it. Oh my god, May! You were dead. Your heart was beating so hard it could have beat out of your chest. You were panicking. You carefully eased out of Peter's grasp to keep from waking him, resting his arm back on the bed. You grabbed a big shirt you had still laying on your floor and a pair of underwear from your dresser before hurrying out the door, closing it behind you.

You tugged your shirt in a hurry before you answered it on the final ring. "Hello?" You tried to play it cool, holding your phone against your ear with your shoulder as you pulled your panties up your legs.

"Good morning sunshine. How are you feeling?" She greeted you.

You started down the hallway to the kitchen. You would feel the aching of your core with every step you took. "Tired." You admitted, moving behind the counter to start a pot of coffee.

"I bet. You needed last night though with everything going on." You bit your bottom lip.

You could not agree more, but you wondered to yourself just much of it as actually needed. You leaned against the counter, watching the drip of the coffee as it filled the pot. "You're not wrong."

She laughed slightly. "I'm just glad Peter could take you home. I always get nervous when you go home with random strangers." Your teeth sunk further into your bottom lip. "Speaking of Peter, do you know where he is?" Your heart was beating so out of control, you were surprised it wasn’t a heart attack in the making. The thought of losing May as your friend after these years, especially over something as big as this, it pained you.

You had to think and think fast. "I think he mentioned something about going to Ned's. I’m not entirely sure though.” You reached into the cupboard to retrieve a mug. "He probably stayed the night." You lied, trying to control your breathing as you poured yourself a cup of coffee. You prayed to yourself in hopes that your lie would be enough. Or what if she already knew Peter was still at your apartment? No, no, she could not have, not sounding this collected.

"I should have guessed that. I'll try to call him again later." She sighed. "I just worry about him sometimes."

"I'm sure he's fine. He's not a kid anymore, May." You reminded her, though a part of you felt like it was a reminder to you as well. If he had not have been who he was, maybe this all would have been a different situation but not when your friendship was on the line.

"I know, I know. It's just the Aunt in me I suppose"

You mixed in your cream and sugar and stirred. "It's Peter and Ned we're talking about, May. They were probably up playing video games all night."

"You're right." She finally admitted. "Well, I'm sorry for waking you. I just wanted to check on you."

"No worries. Let me know when you hear from him." She agreed before you ended the phone call with a goodbye.

You finally let out a deep breath of air. It felt like you had been holding it the entire time you were on the phone. It would not have surprised you if you had. You did not know where to start or how to make it all make sense. Maybe that was because none of this made sense. Peter could not be anymore more than a friend, especially when he was your best friend's nephew.

How had this even got this far? You had never thought of Peter like this and yet you ended up in bed with him. You held the mug, letting it warm your hands as you stared down at your coffee in thought. Peter had been nothing but good to you, but this had been more than you could have asked for. There was a hole in your heart from another man and you had pushed yourself on Peter last night to try and heal it. That’s what you had made yourself believe. You took had taken advantage of his kindness, took things too far and now you had to get things back in one piece.

This was nothing like the hookups you had in the past. This was Peter. It was not like you would never see him around again. It was not like you could just throw him out and be done with it.

You jumped instantly when Peter's voice pulled you from your thoughts. You pushed yourself off of the counter, taking in the sight of him as he moved across the kitchen over to you.

“Good morning.” He smiled and you glanced at his messy hair sticking up in different directions. It was the perfect mix of bed head and sex hair.

“Hi.” You said shyly. How would you break the news to him? God, how could you get yourself in this situation?

“I was looking forward to waking up to you.” He moved over to you, his arms wrapping around your waist as if this were all normal and pressing a kiss to your jaw. Your eyes met his curiously. What was he thinking this was?

“Peter, I think- I think we need to talk.”

Your breathing was shuttered as he held onto your waist, nudging his nose against your neck.

“Oh? What about?” He looks down at you.

Your free hand was pressed against his chest with a sigh. “Did you want some coffee?” You offered.

His eyes lingered on you for a moment as if he was trying to figure out what you were thinking before letting go of your waist. “No, thank you. Is everything okay?” He tilted his head slightly. You seemed nervous.

You took a hold of his hand, placing your mug down on the counter before leading him into the living room. You brought him over to the couch, sitting down. “So last night… can you tell me what happened? I know we had, ya know, but how?”

His face grew pink with a slight blush. “How?” He repeated your question.

“I mean, did I make you? I know I can be a bit much when I drink.”

“What? No.” He shook his head. “I mean it surprised me, but of course, I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you.”

You grew quiet, trying to process what he was saying. You sighed. "Peter, I-" I tried to gather your thoughts together. "It should have never happened and I'm sorry that it did."

Peter's eyes grew wide as he tried to take in what you were saying, but he could not bring himself around to believe you.

"No. You don't mean that." He shook his head.

You frowned. "I do mean that."

He shook his head again. "You don't. You told me I was good to you. You even said before you hope you meet someone even half amazing as me."

"Peter-"

"You kissed me! How can you say this should have never happened?"

You run your fingers through your knotted hair and pushing it back out of your face with a sigh. "Peter, I was drunk. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Drunk words are sober thoughts. Even if you hadn't meant to say it, I know you have been thinking about it." He frowned, taking a hold of your chin and tilting your head to look at him. "Why can't you let just accept how you feel? You deserve to be happy."

You turned your head out of his grasp. "That's just it, Peter. I don't know what I'm feeling about anything. I just had my heart broken a week ago by a guy who I thought was my soulmate. I wasn't ready for any of this to happen. I'm sorry I kissed you and confused you."

He could not believe you were saying this. You could not mean this. Not after last night. Not after the word you clung to him. Not after everything you said. It hurt his feelings. He opened his mouth to say something, but the words would not come. He was not sure what to say. He did not want to overstep, but he could not understand how you could easily fall for assholes like Chris and never a good guy like him.

"You are good to me." You admit. "You have taken good care of me in the past, but we can't be anything more than friends. We can't do this again. I feel like I have overstepped a line with May. She wouldn't want this."

"It's not about what she wants." He snaps. "I can make my decisions for myself now. I'm not a kid anymore, Y/N."

"Peter, you will always be a kid to me. You can do so much better than me. Someone closer to your age. Someone who has their life together. You are such a great guy. I know you will make some girl very happy." You smiled reassuringly, though to him none of this was reassuring.

There was no "better than you", even when he was committed to you. He tried to understand that feeling was new to you considering you always felt in competition with other girls. Truth be told, no one came close to comparing to you in his eyes. He wished he could make you see that, make you understand just how much you really meant to him.

He could feel his phone vibrating again and he sighed, standing up from the couch. He knew it was May. "I should go before Happy sends out a search party."

You stared up at him, nodding slightly. "I understand."

He threw his hand up in an awkward wave before making his way to the door.

You stood up from the couch, hugging yourself. "Hey, Peter?"

He stopped at the door, holding it open and looking over his shoulder at you.

"I don't want this to ruin our friendship." It could never. You just needed time, he thought to himself.

"It won't." He smiled at you. "I promise."

---

Even though you did not want it to affect your friendship with Peter, you both knew that it had, for better or for worse. You did not see much of Peter after he left your apartment that day, even when you would go see May, the house was already quiet. Neither of you had mentioned a word to May. Peter was always out or on his way out when you showed up. You would only really had time for a quick "hey" before he was on his way. You figured college had him pretty busy for the most part, or Ned, maybe even a girl.

He had properly busied him in hopes to give you space. In hopes, you would realize things on your own and do the right thing. He may have been between college and keeping an eye on the neighborhood, but he never strayed far from you. He never failed to keep an eye out on you. Peter knew how much you needed him, but it was your turn to realize that for yourself.

Peter wasn't the only one keeping himself busy. After some time you had taken off, you finally had gone back to work. In a way, you were glad you had because it kept you distracted. You had decided it was time to focus on yourself.

You had stopped drinking since the night at the club after realizing the trouble it putting you in and the pain it was actually causing you. Drinking did not stop the heartbreak. It might have slowed it down, but when you were sober again, the ache was still there. Drinking kept you from dealing with it. As much as you wished you did not have to, you knew it was the only way for you to move on.

It had been a month since you split with Chris. Thankfully, you were starting to get back in the groove of things fairly quickly.

You sat at your desk, typing away on your computer when your phone buzzed on your desk. You did not look away from your work until a knock on the window of your office door caught your attention.

Your eyes widened at the sight of Chris on the other side. He lifted his phone, mouthing for you to check it.

You lifted your phone over to check, reading the text from him.

Can we talk?

You blinked, glancing at him before turning back to your computer to keep working.

Your phone buzzed again.

Please.

You looked up at him again. He had his hands together in a plead while he mouthed "please". You sighed, getting up from your desk to answer the door. You pulled the door open and he smiled slightly though you had not attempted to return it.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I am working." You blunted pointed out.

"I know. I'm sorry for bothering you. I just knew you wouldn't answer my messages. That's the only reason I'm here. I feel like I've had a lot of time to think and I want to talk to you about things."

"Once again, I'm at work." You reminded him.

"When is your lunch then?" He questioned.

You held onto the door. "I don't think I'm gonna take one. I have a lot I need to get done."

He sighed, looking down at you. "Come on. I know you've gotta be hungry." He glanced at his phone to check the time. "Don't you usually take your lunch around this time?"

You tried to stand your ground even though your stomach growled in hunger. You hated when he was right. You hated to give him anything he wanted after how he did you. It amazed you he had remembered what time you took your lunch. Maybe he did pay attention to you after all.

"I'll pay." He insisted. You sighed.

"Fine. Let me get my bag."

You had agreed on a sandwich shop just down the street. You were not in the mood for anything big. You settled down at a table by the window with a wrap and iced water. You took a bite of your wrap, staring out the window at all the traffic on the road.

He was the first to break the silence. "How have you been?"

"Fine. You?" You continued eating, taking another bite.

He had yet to touch his own food. "I've been alright. Can I say something or do you think I am wasting my time?"

"Depends."

"Can you hear me out? Just this once, that’s all I ask."

You sighed, finally agreeing to listen since he had after all bought you food. You sat the rest of your wrap down washing it down with some water while listening.

He sat in silence for a moment to gather his thoughts, trying to figure out where he should start. “I’m sorry for what I did to you and for how I treated you. Nothing I say is gonna take back what I did, but I do regret it all. I know I said some ugly stuff at the club that day. Once again, I know I can’t justify it but I had been drinking and I was coping with losing you. I get that I ruined things. I messed up and you have every right to be mad at me. I was selfish and I never took your feelings into consideration. I didn't think to help you with the wedding because I thought of it as your big day. When it should have been our big day." He leaned against the table, crossing his arms. You pulled your gaze from the window, looking at him for a moment before looking down at your lap. "I missed how spontaneous we use to be. Every day was a surprise. You amazed me every day, but we fell into a routine and I was worried about marriage might be like that." It shocked you that he was even apologizing right now.

"You were so calm when you did it though. Like it was okay for me to see that like you wanted to hurt me." You broke your silence, your eyes finding his and he frowned.

He exhaled a deep breath. "I didn't wanna hurt you. I guess I had convinced myself I had done nothing wrong, but I realize now how bad of a thing I did."

"You could have just talked to me about this before you went and made me feel like I couldn't be enough. We could have put the wedding on hold and fixed this. Sometimes I get carried away with things. I just- I wanted everything to be perfect. I didn't know what you wanted and so I was working twice as hard to get everything to be how I thought you might like it." You wrapped your wrap back up when you lost your appetite. "I think the realization of everything hurt more than walking in on you. Realizing how much I was doing and how little you did-"

"I know and I want to fix that. I want to do more for you and for us. I want to prove to you I can change. We've invested so many years in this. I don't want to throw it all away. I didn't realize how much I needed you until I didn't have you." He reached across the table, taking a hold of your hand and he rubbed his thumb across the back of your hand. It surprised him how didn't pull your hand away and that's how he knew he might have convinced you. He might have a shot again. "If you really are through with me, I do not blame you. I deserve that. Just tell me when and I'll come to get my stuff."

You sat in silence for a moment, thinking to yourself. You were not sure what to say. You never thought he would get this far with his apology. You did not expect him to apologize considering he seemed pretty pleased with himself.

"I don't know what to say right now." You mumbled, looking down at his hand holding onto yours.

He held your smaller hand in between his. "You don't have to say anything. Just think about it. I respect whatever you decide. I just want to know if I have really lost you for good."

"I don't know." You finally admitted, biting your bottom lip slightly and gently taking your hand back from his hold. "I need time."

"Take all the time you need." He ensured.

"We'll see." You glanced at your phone, checking the time. "Thank you for lunch, but I should really be headed back."

He nodded his head, gathering his still wrapped sandwich and drink as you both get up from the table. "I'll walk you back."

The rest of your workday felt like a waste considering you could not focus on anything. You did not get done much of anything you had planned to get done. Why did guys have to make things so complicated? If he had just communicated about it before, maybe you would still be together.

You tried to focus on the computer screen in front of you, letting your fingers hover over the keyboard. Focus, Y/n.

You knew you should not want him back. You did not owe him a thing. You knew there would always be the risk he had not actually changed, but he was all you knew. You grew to him. Your life had changed for your future with him. You had been so wrapped up in the wedding, you had not been paying attention to him. But then again, if he had helped, participated in his own wedding plans then so much would not have been on you.

You rubbed your temple, saving your progress and shutting off the computer screen. You were just gonna call it a night. You had a girls' night planned with May and you did not want this to get in the way of your friendship with May again.

You reached into your pocket to collect yourself, shooting May a quick text.

We're still on for tonight, right?

You gathered your papers off of your desk, shuffling them up neatly before pulling them back in its folder and putting them in the drawer of your desk.

Don't be late.

You smiled at her message before pulling open the door to your office.

You had kept your word to May and showed at a decent time. She was setting up for movie night when you arrived. She tsked when she saw how overdressed you were.

"If I had stopped for a change of clothes, I would have been late." You reminded her with a laugh as she entered the living room again with a bottle of wine and a bowl of popcorn. She placed them on the coffee table in front of her.

"You're welcome to grab some clothes of mine." She offered as she sat down on the couch, tucking her legs underneath her and covering herself with a blanket.

You had already stripped yourself from your blazer as you walked down the hallway to May's room. You grabbed a pair of shorts and a shirt from her dresser before going to the bathroom to change out of your pencil skirt and blouse.

You stared at yourself in the mirror as you changed the set of clothes. Your eyes were glued to your stomach, noticing how bloated you looked and frowning slightly. You knew your period would be any day now, but usually, you did not bloat this bad. Your clothes had seemed a little snug today. You shook the thought as you fold your clothes and set them up on the bathroom counter. Your head spinning from everything going. Just when you had thought things were calm, it picked right back up. You left the bathroom, walking towards the living room where May was.

"Hey, Aunt Ma-" Peter called out as he came out of his bedroom, knocking into you in the process. He quickly grabbed a hold of your waist to keep you falling. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" He started to rumble.

"It's fine. I'm okay." You laughed quietly, making him smile suddenly when his eyes finally met yours. "You wouldn't happen to be avoiding me, would you?" You tease. You understand even if he was, but you had hoped that he was not avoiding you. You did not want to be the reason driving him out of his own home.

He blushed slightly. "Just giving you some space." He told the truth. You hadn't realized how close you two still were.

"I don't need space, Peter. We're okay." Your eyes flickered across his face for a moment, biting down on your bottom lip when you noticed how close he was still holding you. "Peter-"

"Y/n, are you coming? The movie is about to start!" May called out from her spot on the couch. She had already poured you both a glass of wine.

"Did you want to join us?" You question absentmindedly. He smiled at your words. Maybe you were coming around after all.

"I might later. I have some work I need to finish up." He answered, letting go of his grasp on your waist. You nodded before giving him one last look and continuing down the hallway back to May.

You were halfway through the movie when you turned to May, snacking on a few pieces of popcorn from the bowl that sat between the two of you. "So the weirdest thing happened at work today." You started, pulling her attention from the movie. "Chris showed up."

May turned down the movie a little in order to hear you better. Her eyes were slightly wide and you laughed a little at her reaction. "That was my reaction as well." You pointed out.

"Well? What happened? What did he say?" She encouraged you to continue.

Peter had just come out of his room just in time to get a snack along with something to drink. He had been finishing an assignment. He took his earbuds out one by one, hearing you in the living room as he walked through the kitchen.

"Well, he took me to lunch, and basically he apologized for everything. He wants a second chance."

Peter's eyes grew wide, listening to you talk. You did not have to say his name to know who you were talking about. He peaked in the living room at you and Aunt May on the couch, leaning against the wall as he listened in.

"And?"

You shrugged.

"I'm surprised you even let him take you out." May pointed out as she took a sip of her wine.

"Honestly, it surprised me too but I was hungry and he offered to pay so I gave in." You rubbed your arm slightly as you leaned back on the couch.

"So what's the plan?"

You looked over at May, raising an eyebrow curiously. "Plan?"

"Well I mean, what did you say to him?"

You got quiet for a moment. Peter felt as if he was holding his breath just to make sure he heard your answer correctly.

"I told him I would think about it."

May seemed surprised by your answer. Peter, on the other hand, was less than pleased.

"He's all I know. I'm comfortable with him. I don't know how to start over and at this point, it seems pointless." You explained as you picked at the blanket over your lap. "He said he didn't wanna give up when we have invested so much time and that he was willing to prove himself."

"Maybe he needed this. Ya know, like a reality check." May suggested and you nodded your head.

Peter could not believe you were going back. You were giving up. After everything he put through, everything he said, and how worthless he had you feel, you were going back. Had you not learned anything? His fists clenched at his side, trying to keep himself calm. He could not listen to another second of this.

He stormed past you and May. "Hey, Pete-" May started, but Peter swiftly interrupted her.

"I'm going out. Don't wait up." He mumbled. Your heart skipped, realizing that Peter had heard everything. You were so sure he had been in his room. He glanced at you before pulling the door closed harder than usual, making the both of you jump. You frowned, looking down.

Peter sat on top of a roof, leaning against a brick wall as he looked down over the city. He did not know what else he could do to prove himself to you. He finally had his chance and you only pushed him away. Chris had years to prove himself and he had. He made his intentions pretty clear, but even that wasn't enough to steer you away.

He was convinced you were scared to be happy. Scared to find that happiness with him when his Aunt was your best friend. Sure you were a little older, but none of that mattered to him. You were the only girl who could ever make him feel the way he did. It could not just be him feeling this way.

The streets were not as busy due to it being so late. Peter closed his eyes with a sigh from the built-up frustration, letting his leg hang over the side of the building. You were so stubborn.

His eyes snapped open at the roar of laughter beneath him. He glanced at the group of men before quickly having to do a double-take when he realized who it was.

"Come on, Chris. Admit it, you have Y/n wrapped your finger." The men shared a laugh, giving Chris's shoulder a playful push.

"Not like I use to, but I know she'll take me back." He chuckled. "She's waited long enough for that ring. She's not gonna give up now."

"You really think you're ready for marriage? What about the other girl?"

"Guess we'll see about that," Chris smirked and Peter's nose flared in anger. "Women like Y/n just need a ring and they're content. Besides, she's the perfect little housewife."

Peter tried to restrain him, but he could only hold himself back so much. He shot a web at Chris which hitting him over the mouth, sending him and his group in a panic trying to pull it off of his face with no luck.

"Dick." He muttered, shooting a web at another building and pulling himself onto the next building. He had enough. Chris didn't deserve someone like you. You deserved someone to take care of you, to cherish you, not just the other way around.

You stared down at the test in your hand. You never expected to find yourself here this soon. It was not long after Peter stormed out that you decided you should go home. You were upset with yourself and with everything going on. This was just the icing on the cake. You mindlessly walked by the calendar in the kitchen on your way to the bedroom, counting the days since your last period. You were late and at this point in your life, you could not ignore it.

The positive plus sign stared back at you and your eyes watered. You had not had sex with Chris in months so you knew it was Peter's. You covered your mouth, letting out a sob into your hand. This was not how you pictured yourself getting pregnant. This was not where you wanted to be in life when you planned on getting pregnant. You were barely making it taking care of yourself. You could not take care of a baby too.

Your body shook as you cried at the foot of your bed. You knew with the baby being Peter's, Chris would never want to be with you. Peter was just starting his life, barely even out of college along with being the Amazing Spiderman. You could not interfere with a baby.

A knock on your bedroom window startled you, making you drop the test. You looked the window to find Spiderman kneeled down on your fire escape, motioning for you to let him in.

You wiped your face of your tears and walked over to the window, unlocking it before pushing it up.

"Now isn't a good time, Peter." You stated bluntly, taking in the sight of him in his suit.

"I really need to talk to you, Y/N. It's important."

"Can we not talk about this another day?"

"No, it can't wait." He slipped under your arm into your bedroom, pulling his mask from over his face. "It's about Chris."

You raised an eyebrow, crossing your arms over your chest. "What about him?"

"He doesn't love you, Y/n. He will never care about you like you have cared about him. He is just using him as a housewife and that's all you'll be to him. Just someone to take care of him. You deserve so much than him." Peter paced back and forth as he ranted.

You stared at him as he paced. "That's what you came here to tell me? I know you heard me talking to May. I should have known you would come up with some way to make me feel like shit for thinking about going back."

"Y/n, I didn-"

"You did! You don't get it! It's my heart that was broken. I have loved him for years. You don't understand how hard this is for me."

"I don't understand?" His mouth parted at your words. You didn't know half of it. "How do I not when I have loved you years longer than he's been in your life? Even when you loved everyone but me! You fall for assholes like him and the good guys like me go overlooked!" He exclaimed, throwing his hand up as he shifted back, his foot stepping on the test you had dropped on the floor.

He glanced down to see what he had stepped on.

Your eyes got wide, trying to get his attention. "Peter." You stepped toward him but it was too late. He stared down at the pregnancy test, wiping his thumb over the plus sign as if checking to see if it was real.

He looked up at you. "You're pregnant?"

It was too late to lie about it. It would have required too much energy to keep it going if you had, and you did not have any fight left in you.

"How far?" He simply questioned. He was so sure it was his, but he wanted to hear it from you.

"If you're asking if it's yours, I can assure you it is. I haven't slept with Chris in months. I don't know how far I am. A few weeks is my guess."

He stared at the test a little while longer, a smiling forming on his lips. "We're gonna have a baby." He smiled at the test. He couldn't help himself. This had to be the best news he had heard in his life aside from becoming an Avenger.

"No." You shook your head.

He furrowed his eyebrows, looking up at you. "What?"

You moved over to him, taking the test from him and tossing it on your dresser with a sigh. "I can't keep the baby."

He frowned at your words. "Sure you can. What do you mean?"

You shook your head again, your eyes already getting watery again. "I can't, Peter. I'm not ready to be a mom. My life is a fucking train wreck and you're just now starting yours. I can't ruin that for you."

"Ruin? No, no." His frown deepened, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into his arms for comfort. "This is the best news I've heard. This could never ruin my life."

You cried against his shoulder, clenching onto his suit as he held you close in a hug. He pressed a kiss to your temple, stroking your hair down. "I'll do everything I can to keep you and our baby happy. You will never have to worry about another woman because no matter what, I will always choose you. I'll take care of you." He let his hand slide underneath your shirt, rubbing his hand over rounding stomach. "I'll take care of our baby."

You push his hand away out of your shirt, pushing yourself away from him. "I-I can't. I'm not keeping the baby. I'm gonna go to the clinic tomorrow. It'll be better this way."

Peter's mouth fell open slightly as his eyes filled with tears. "Y-You can't be serious."

"I am and nothing is going to change my mind."

"Y/n..." He reached up to cup your face, but you grabbed his wrist. "That's our baby. Don't do this."

You stared at him with tear-filled eyes, some falling down your face, but you didn't speak a word.

He was getting heated by the second. If he thought he was hurt before, he was really hurting now. He didn't understand why you wouldn't take this as your fate and run with it. Run with him. Tears fell down his cheeks. He didn't bother to wipe them, only continued to look at you. He wanted the truth.

"Why? So you can go back to him?"

"This isn't about him."

"Then what is it about, Y/n? You want to get rid of a part of both of us! Can't you see how much I care about you? I would never hurt you like him. You don't have to change yourself to please me. You will never have to worry about not being enough." He moved closer to you, cupping your face in his hands and making you look at him. "You are so perfect, just the way you are. You are more than enough for me."

You try to turn your head to look away, but he leans in, capturing you in a firm passionate kiss. You melted into his kiss, gripping onto his suit. You wanted so badly to push him away, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. You didn't want him to change your mind. You needed to do this.

He backed you up until your back of your knees hit the bed, letting you fall back on the comforter and falling with you. He supported himself above you, kissing your swollen lips softly as he wipes your face with a swipe of his thumbs.

"You are everything I have ever wanted." He mumbled against your lips, pressing warm kisses over your face and letting them trail down your neck. His hands began to push your shirt up and you quickly regained some focus, trying to catch his hands.

"Peter, we shouldn't..." He caught your hands and pushing them over your head, shooting a web against your wrists to hold them in place against the headboard. You cried as you looked up at him with frightened eyes.

"You don't have to do anything for me. Just let me show you how much I love you. Let me take care of you."

He pressed on his chest, letting his suit go limp on his body and sliding it off as he continued to work his way down your chest. He was left in his boxers. He had pressed your shirt up above your chest, kissing over your breasts and swirling his tongue over your aching nipples.

You whined at the feeling of his tongue, pulling on the webbed restraints. Your nipples were more sensitive than they had ever been before. His hands feel to the shorts you still wear of May's, pulling them down your legs with your panties.

"Peter, stop..." You tried to close your legs but Peter only held them open at the sight of your slick folds. You knew no matter how much you lied to him, your body could never lie to him. Your body only told the truth.

"I want to make you so happy." His lips brushing over your lower bloated stomach, kissing over it and mumbling against it. "You're going to make such an amazing mother."

You shook your head as you wiggled underneath his body. He pushed off his boxers before returning to his place between your legs.

He nodded even when you shook your head. "You will be."

Peter dragged the tip of his cock through your glistening folds, biting his bottom lip as your juices coated it. He let the tip of his cock push against your entrance, pushing his hips forward to slide inside of you and your head rolled back with a whimper.

You hated how much control he really had over you. You hated feeling so weak.

"Peter-" You choked a sob as your walls clenched onto his thick length. You were embarrassed how quickly your pussy pulled him back in when he would thrust.

"Oh," He groaned as his cock pushing in and out of you, hitting you in all the right places as he held your hips in his hands. "I love you. I love you so much." He mumbled against your lips as they brushed together every thrust. His breathing was staggered against them.

You could not fight the lust that clouded your mind. He knew it would take time to steer you in the right direction, but he was willing to spend all the time he needed. You knew how wrong it was to be underneath him, even if you were stuck there, that did not stop what was wrong from feeling so right.

#dark!peter parker #dark!peter x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker #spiderman x reader #dark!spiderman x reader #dark!spiderman #dark!tom holland #tom holland x reader #peter parker one shot #dub con #peter parker smut #dark peter x reader

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beelspillowpet · 3 years

Text

A Lesson in Love - A “Character Analysis” on Asmodeus

I had to come for the tracks, wigs, and weaves of bitches when Pomade dropped because I saw people talking shit about my boy. This was a milestone “project” or “reward” I guess?

I hit 400 followers today while I was out running errands!!! Thank you guys SO SO MUCH for the love and support! I can’t WAIT to produce more content for everyone!!!

Below the cut there WILL BE talk of season 3, as well as some talk of chapter 16. There’s a healthy amount of theorizing on his personality as well, I hope you don’t mind! This came out more like a plea to get people to change their minds about how Asmo really is, rather than a comprehensive essay of sorts. So here we go!

There’s something we apparently still need to talk about in this fanbase. The unrealistic idea of Asmodeus being a sex freak, and an unreliable person in general despite there being little proof of it. We need to set a few things straight about Asmo moving forward.

December 25th rolled around and Asmo’s audio drama and song were released. I take it everyone enjoyed both parts, as well as I did. My timeline both on twitter and tumblr were filled with Asmodeus content, as well as the other brothers and such. But I mostly got Asmo content. However, in peeks and cracks, if I looked hard enough, I still saw people who absolutely loathed Asmo or who were indifferent to him. Keep in mind; I think it’s okay. You don’t have to like everyone.

I’ve only joined the fanbase in September, but even I could tell some of these takes were old fashioned. I downloaded the game on October 17th, a very important anniversary for me, while I

was still in bed in the morning. I blazed through the entire story of season 1 and now I am stuck in season 2, specifically in Chapter 24. I obviously don’t have every card of Asmodeus with his Devilgrams, but I have been analyzing his character over the past few days for this.

So needless to say, I have a considerable amount of information on him, as well as personal thoughts that may help some learn to love him. Or at the very least, from spreading a negative idea of him around as if it were true. Enough that should help clear his name, so to speak.

Let’s look at his title; Avatar of Lust. Now naturally the thoughts that come to your head are sex and other sexual bits. So I can understand how some people would come to the conclusion that he’s just a sex freak. But if you look under the surface of his title, like I’m sure you’ve had to for your own personal favorites (*cough* Lucifer, Belphie, and Satan ESPECIALLY) you would discover that Asmodeus is more than just about sex. In fact, sex takes up very little of his pass time, if you were to believe it!

In recent chapters, as I’ve been told, Asmodeus doesn’t really get around much anyways:

Granted, this was said while in Celestia, but I imagine not much has changed for him since his fall, as well as his brothers.

Not really comfortable being with just anyone, huh…? Sounds like someone who doesn’t have sex so warily often as you’d think!

Being lustful can come in many shapes and forms. It can be merely in appearance, which Asmo is not afraid of doing. He’s very comfortable about skinship and it’s very apparent in how he dresses and acts that he wants you to adore his body. To worship it! Maybe not sexually, but aesthetically! Being lustful can mean just thinking about sex or sexual scenarios often, which if you take a peek at Asmo’s chat’s either with you or his brothers, is very apparent too.

Personally, I believe that people would assume he is not good in a relationship because he would have a “cheating problem”. I don’t think Asmo is a monster, just like I don’t think any of the brothers are monsters. They may be demons (technically fallen angels) now but they used to be angels too. Their falling out with their Father doesn’t mean they’ve completely abandoned morality, it was a rebellion for Lilith’s right to live. Not for them to sin as they pleased. For all we know they might have been fine in Heaven otherwise! (with the exception of Lucifer.)

A monster knows right from wrong and chooses evil anyways. An ignorant person doesn’t know right from wrong. Asmodeus is not a monster, nor is he ignorant.

When Asmo genuinely loves you, I think he would take steps to calm down that side of him, if it were to exist. Lust is fairly limited, but it is a part of love to some extent. LOVE is vastly different. Love has many languages, and they aren’t all spoken either. For me, personally, I found that Lucifer’s love language can be either very direct, or roundabout so as to not let it go to your head, for an example. Asmo is just far more direct about his care for you.

I feel as though Asmo gets a lot of crap constantly for his presumed nature and because we don’t get to see much else of him at first, especially in season 1, his impression on us sort of stays. With most of the fanbase either somewhat new to the game or somewhere lost in the sea of the difficulty curve that is season 2, we can only assume based on what we’ve seen, and what others have headcanoned about him.

Let’s break and talk about Satan for a moment; this is going somewhere.

I’m led to believe that Satan can control his sin fairly well. He’s easy to get irritated, sure, but he isn’t as much of a walking ball of rage as I suspected. I would argue that, aside from Leviathan, Satan can handle his sin the best out of the brothers. But again, we’re forgetting about Asmo. The Avatar of “Lust”. Like I’ve shown before, he doesn’t really sleep around a lot, according to anon.

At worst, Asmo being flirty is through text and he’s not actively trying to sleep with you. It can be interpreted that way, but for me personally, it comes down to having a friend that is very up close and in your personal space.

(I myself am one of these types of people. Having ADHD, my social cues are always sort of off, and I’ve struggled with coping with it for years. With my best friend, we have seen each other naked countless times and have slept in the same bed as well. We were never romantic with each other. We were just very comfortable being close and personal with each other.)

I’d like to point out also that Asmo isn’t even there for most of season 1 too. Which can give you the idea that maybe he just was out sleeping around a lot, but to me he probably just went out partying a lot. You don’t get known that fast for sleeping around. Maybe in 5,000 years, sure, but I’d imagine being a party boy, as his Devilgram “Guided by Desire” suggests.

So the idea that Asmo isn’t in the house a lot because he’s out having sex all the time isn’t true is it? He’s probably just out partying, which can LEAD to sex with someone sure, but again, Asmo doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, now does he?

I feel like of all the boys, Asmo is the one who radiates with everyone else the most. Most people will never realize how surreal it is that Asmo is faking it until he makes it. He doesn’t always think he’s beautiful, or that he’s worth all the love he’s striving and straining to get. Something that is extremely relatable for a lot of people with self-worth issues. Asmo is just like that, but instead being sarcastic and self-deprecating, he simply works to make himself look as beautiful as possible, so that in his eyes, his beauty matches the affection he gets.

Which is why, when he falls in love with you, it’s strange. You are constantly telling him he’s nice and pretty, but you aren’t lusting after him. You’re just being nice. It may just be me, but when people are overly nice just for the sake of being nice, I’m very attracted to that. That is Asmo, to some extent. The fact that he reflects the insecurities and habits of others so clearly may make others uncomfortable, but that brutal honesty veiled behind insecurity is what a lot of people with self-image issues deal with.

Now for me to share my favorite personal idea for Asmo that completely changed how I saw him in season 1 onwards; Asmodeus is an empath. Now let me explain:

First, what is an Empath?

The term empath comes from empathy, which is the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective. Seems simple, right? Everyone can do this to some extent. However, what makes you an empath is the fact that empaths genuinely feel the same pain as you do. So much so your experience becomes a very personal part of their own. They are capable of being able to feel other people’s emotions without them speaking, or even showing signs of it through their body language.

This would explain, for me personally, why there’s so little of him in season 1. The intensity of what goes on in the house, his sensitive soft-spoken mannerisms, the only time he truly gets mad is when he’s childishly arguing with Mammon? Asmo is afraid of true conflict, he’s afraid of violence and negative emotions. Let’s face it; everyone is indifferent or hates you at the start of the game.

While this changes fairly quickly, all the intense feelings come to a head in chapter 16. All those negative emotions swirling around, of course Asmo isn’t going to want to be in the house when it’s that intense. The attic didn’t just disappear completely, too. Belphie was still in the attic hating humans. That negative emotion could be affecting Asmo and he didn’t know why, so he could have been out of the house more.

Where Asmo can feel the emotions of others, it may mostly be the negative ones because they fill him with anxiety and panic if it persists. Which can be helpful in making him so urgent to want to make others smile and feel better, right?

Imagine being intimate with Asmodeus, and suddenly you aren’t in the mood for it anymore but don’t want to make things awkward. He could pick up on it in an instant and wouldn’t get mad because he understands how you feel completely.

Now to close this out about something that genuinely hurts me; Asmodeus is a narcissist.

I mean, the wiki says that he is, but personally? No, no he isn’t. Since when is loving yourself a bad thing? Sure he may go a bit far sometimes, but people with self-image issues need to go a little harder than the rest to make sure they're getting the love they need.

(Talking about myself AGAIN, but I do this a lot. At random, I will look up in my own mirror in front of my desk that I sit in front of all day and tell myself I am a cute bitch. I am VERY VERY cute and anyone would be lucky to have someone as drop dead gorgeous as myself. I say that a few times a day. In reality, I am very insecure about my looks. I do believe I’m cute, but sometimes it’s hard to say it. Which is why I force myself. Why wouldn’t Asmo do the same?)

Talking yourself up to be as beautiful as a sex god is no easy task, but Asmo isn’t the Avatar of “Lust” for no reason. When an insecure girl talks up her beauty, it’s her being strong and independent. When Asmo does it, its narcissism… it doesn’t really seem fair, now does it? Maybe he’s just an insecure person who needs to tell himself ALL THE TIME that he’s beautiful. That if he stares at his reflection long enough, he may see it too.

(Also, Simeon literally calls him out on being insecure. Insecure people tend to try and overcompensate where they feel they’re lacking.)

”Asmodeus is hinted to be insecure and seeking for love and attention. When Simeon was asked about what he thought of Asmodeus, he says that Asmodeus is still trying to fulfill the role of the angel he used to be; an angel that was adored and loved by many. Asmodeus laughs at Simeon's remark and brushes it off by saying that he is only jealous.” - A section from said Asmodeus Wiki.

People can choose to love or hate Asmo, obviously. Making things up about his character without having anything but speculation and having that dictate how he acts is plain silly. This entire “essay” if you can call it that, comes from the heart. I love Asmo as a character, and in the beginning he did make me uncomfortable, I didn’t like him that much. But I learned to look past that and figure out why he acts the way he does. Something didn’t sit right with me about him for a while, and it was that air of insecurity that I didn’t see at first.

All I can really ask for, is giving Asmo another chance as a character. He’s not as wild and wacky as Mammon, or as cool and sexy as Lucifer, or as edgy and precious as Belphie, but he matters in this story too. He fell from grace with his brothers for Lilith. Give him another chance, and let him show you that he is the Avatar of Love.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #om!#om! swd #om! asmo #om! asmodeus #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #Thanks for 400 followers!

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twinklelilstarkey · 3 years

Text

Bad Day - Nolan Patrick

Words: 2.2k+

Type: Fluff and slight Angst

Summary: You and Nolan are very different. Your bubbly personality is something that does contrast with his own. Yet he finds himself lost when that so happy person loses her spark after a hard and sad day.

Warnings: A lot of crying over college stuff (negative grades, overworking, etc.). Affectionate reader. Slight mentions of blood (from falling).

You and Nolan have been dating for almost 2 years, now. Some people do agree that your relationship was quite odd when it began, but those who are the closest noticed how much you two belonged together.

The surprise behind your relationship is mostly around the topic of how your personalities are nothing alike. You are this loud, bubbly, excited and happy human being, and you’re dating this silent, introverted, deep-voiced man. He, obviously, isn’t so silent when he’s with his friends or you only, but people still describe him as so.

Sure, you understand the shock but you two truly love each other. And that should be the only thing that matters, right?

You and Nolan aren’t exactly very active on social media. Yet you post more pictures of yourself than he does. And just by your feed, people seem to notice how different you two are.

Some people find it cute, while others not all that much. So you two try to limit as much posts with the two of you together as possible. And even though that comes with a lot of rumoring of you breaking up, you’re just, honestly, trying to minimalize the hateful words you usually receive.

But, yes, you two are very different.

You can notice that in how the two of you interact with each other. Nolan, being this more closed off person, doesn’t seek that much physical and affectional touch. Not as much as you, surely.

You hug him, cuddle him, snuggle onto him, kiss him, play with his hair, and so on. And you do that while battling his whines right in your ear of how he didn’t want to cuddle at that moment.

Bad thing for him, you look right through his shit. This man loves when you hug him, kiss him, play with his hair, etc.. He just doesn’t like to admit it.

Your affection doesn’t really leaves your apartment, since you two aren’t both two big fans of PDA. But, hand holding or hugging his arm close to you when it’s cold, is almost always happening when out of the house. Again, he doesn’t mind it at all.

And that’s literally how your relationship works - one whines and the other gives hugs.

Yesterday was a Sunday, and it went particularly well. It was Nolan’s day off, so he spent most of his day playing video games with his friends. You worked on an assignment while sitting next to him, and once when you were done, you sat in Nolan’s lap, ignored his protests - which lasted 10 seconds - and just fell asleep against his chest, completely exhausted with everything you’ve been doing for college.

You honestly thought this week wouldn’t be all that bad since it doesn’t all that much going on. Weekend was good, and that usually was enough to set the mood for the rest of the days.

But, you thought wrong. Very wrong.

You went to college around the same time Nolan went to practice, you had breakfast together and everything was good. But that was until your teachers started to announce that they already had the grades of some tests and assignments.

In two of your 3 classes, today, a teacher gave you a grade. Both of them negative grades.

The worst part? You thought these were the two evaluations that had gone well and seemed pretty easy when you did them.

If this is your results to the ‘easy’ ones, what about the ones that you, actually, struggled with?

After college, you walked back to your apartment, eyes already covered with tears over your failed evaluations, and right as you’re about to get home, you trip over your own feet.

Right when you looked down at Nolan’s text.

Even though nobody was in the street to see it, you felt more than humiliated. Your knee was now painted in dark red over the fresh wound, from your fall, and you were in pain.

This is just a whole recipe for disaster.

When you got home, Nolan was still not back. And that just helped you with wanting to break down more as you walked through lobby of your home.

It’s usual warmth welcomed you home but it did not provide any sort of comfort.

You went into your phone to try and distract your mind by scrolling through social media or looking at pictures with your friends and Nolan. But from not the lack of social media in these last few days, you let your eyes focus on old notifications popping up, comments, which are a few days old.

All of them negative.

From how you were using Nolan for his money or fame, to how unlucky he is to be dating someone like you. Insults were just scattered all throughout your feed.

As if your day could get any worse.

After half an hour of crying, you were able to force yourself into taking care of your nasty wound. Yes, there were some more tears and sobs here and there. But you feel more calm than before.

You ended up not texting Nolan since you were too preoccupied after your fall to remember anything. And he found it strange.

He had just texted you saying that practice was over when he got off the ice, and since then, he hasn’t received anything.

He kept on checking his phone. He checked it when he took his gear off, after he showered, when he got dressed, etc.. He kept on doing it, and still nothing.

And now, you are laying on your bed, in way more comfortable clothes, and under your comfortable and fluffy duvet and a blanket over your head. Your lap top is right next to your head and only your face isn’t shielded from any colder temperatures.

Tears would make their way back to you in between every few seconds while you force your mind to focus on a random video of reality show highlights. It’s like you can’t really control your body anymore.

Constantly reminding you of your failures as you keep on trying to focus on something else. But nothing. Nothing is working.

Over the loud background music and the dramatic screaming from your lap top, you don’t hear the front door of your apartment opening.

Nolan stands by the door, closing it behind him. He walks slowly to your living room, finding an empty couch. He checks the kitchen, still nothing. So he walks to your bedroom.

It’s awfully strange to not have you right around the corner to welcome him home. He had never noticed it before, but it had become apart of his routine already.

He opens the bedroom door slowly and his eyes finally find you. The slight creak of the door makes you look away from the screen and look up to find your boyfriend staring down at you.

To Nolan’s confusion, you didn’t do your usual ritual of when you spot him. You didn’t get up from your bed and gave him a kiss or a hug, you just continued to lay there.

Your eyes go back to the screen, fighting off your tears once more, and you hear Nolan start taking his shoes off.

He doesn’t say anything, filling the room in its natural silence, and walks to your side of the bed.

“Scoot over.” He whispers over the sound coming from your laptop.

You move your computer first, moving it to Nolan’s side of the bed, as you crawl to the middle. He slides under the duvet and blanket and you turn around, deciding to face him.

Nolan lays on his side, elbow on your pillow as he holds himself up and rests his face on his fist. His eyes are on you, studying your face, the way your eyes are slightly swollen and watery and how your lips seem to always curve in a small pout.

“What happened?” He whispers, not wanting to break the silence.

“Had a bad day.” You whisper back, blinking your tears away.

“Was it college?” He asks, you nod, “A test?”

You nod again and soon his face changes into a pitiful scowl. He feels bad for you, especially after yesterday, when you were so excited to finally have time for yourself. All of it ruined just because your grades are coming back to you as negatives.

“The other assignment I did, like, 2 weeks ago?” You ask him to see if he remembers, and he nods, “Failed that one too.”

Your voice is broken, your chin is starting to shake. You’re a blink away from breaking down again and Nolan feels so helpless. He wishes he could help you with college, but his knowledge in whatever degree you’re dating is close to nothing.

“-And I fell outside, too.” You break his train of thought.

A dry chuckle escapes your lips as you bring your hands up to wipe away your tears, as if you’re forcing yourself to laugh at your problems.

“On the way home?”

You nod and wipe your tears again, soaking the ends of your sleeves.

“My day has just been so awful.” Your voice breaks, making Nolan’s chest squeeze in pain at the sound of it alone.

Without knowing what to say, Nolan wraps one of his arms around you and pulls you in closer. The feeling that comes with not having you hug him back right away is strange. It almost makes him feel heartbroken.

As your face rests over Nolan’s shirt, it’s like your body just gives it all out. You start crying again, sobbing as you let all your worries out, mumbling some stuff you’re not even sure what they mean. And Nolan just holds you close, resting his head against yours while laying kisses over your cheek, neck or over your hair.

It’s so hard to see you like this. It has happened before, it has, but it’s never this bad. Which doesn’t make it that easy to deal with.

Your sobs stop after some time, your breathing slows down back to normal and your body stops to shake. Nolan still holds you, comfortably smoothing your back with one of his hands over your sweatshirt.

You, finally, wrap one of your arms around his torso and just rest your body against his a little, while in complete silence.

“When’s your next test?” Nolan asks against the skin of your temple.

“In 4 weeks.” You answer.

“Any assignments between today and that test?” He asks and you shake your head, “Okay, so you have more than enough time to get prepared and do amazing on that test.”

A sudden warm, giddy feeling runs through you at his words, yet you only nod at what he says.

“I wish I could help you study, but I’m clueless with half of the words in your notes.” He jokes and your lips curve into a grin, “I can always be your reminder to go back to studying?”

“You’re going on a roadie next week.”

He shrugs.

“I can still call.”

You smile and lean your face back onto his chest.

“What about that fall? Are you okay?” He asks, lifting his head again to take a look at your face.

“I’m okay, now, yeah. It was just really embarrassing,” You answer back.

There’s a quick silence and you lift your chin to stare up at Nolan.

“Did something else happen?” He asks, just to make sure.

You do a quick shrug.

“No- I mean,” You correct yourself, “I did check my Instagram after getting home...”

“And... what happened?”

“Just- The usual stupid comments.” You whisper at him.

He analyzes your face for a few seconds and brings his hand up, wiping with his thumb the rest of the tears under your eyes.

“I know I shouldn’t have looked at them,” You scold yourself, “But I didn’t exactly do it on purpose. They were just... there, when I wanted to look back at some pictures.”

Nolan nods understandingly and rests his hand against your cheek, cupping it as his thumb caresses your skin continuously.

“What type of pictures?”

“Like, with our friends or just the two of us,” You shrug, again, “I was just looking for something to cheer me up, you know?”

He nods at you and a small grin lifts over your lips.

He doesn’t scold you in any way. Doesn’t judge you for being stuck in the middle of the hateful comments that don’t do nothing but bring others down. He sometimes finds himself in those black holes without even realizing, and when they do bring him down, you’re there for him to remind him who he really is. Not letting the comments get to him. He can’t do anything else but the same. Return the favor.

“Do you feel better now?” He says at a low voice, almost in a whisper.

“A bit, yeah.” You nod, “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.” He answers.

In the comfortable silence and under his smoothing and loving touch, you prop yourself up with one arm, so your face is in front of Nolan’s, and you peck his lips. It’s a quick kiss, but one that makes you grin back at him.

“I love you.” You tell him.

“I love you too.”

You kiss again but this time, he holds the back of your neck, pulling you in closer to him, making the kiss longer and letting it actually evolve into something more than a peck.

You kiss him back as his lips start to move against yours and your, only vacant, hand find its way to his side, almost as if pulling him in closer to you, even though you’re already glued together.

Nolan pulls back and looks back at you for a second.

“Want to go get lunch and then watch a movie?” He asks and your smile finds itself back on your face.

“I would love that.”

Is this good? I wrote it in between classes, while bored, so I hope it’s not too awful.

*First time writing for Nolan... I just had to do it, okay?*

#nolan patrick #nolan patrick imagine #nolan patrick imagines #nolan patrick x reader #nolan patrick x you #nolan patrick fanfic #nolan patrick fanfiction #nhl imagines #nolan patrick blurb #nolan patrick one shot

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defdaily · 3 years

Text

Arena Homme+ Magazine September 2021 issue featuring JAY B: Nature, Dreams and Music

Translated by defdaily.

That day, JAY B’s world was filled with grass that came up to his knees, sunset that briefly peeked through the dark clouds, and ghosts of the silent campsite. Insects flew about in the intimate conversation of creation, dreams, and the future. An interview with JAY B amidst the passing seasons.

So you are working on an album?

The album is almost finished. I couldn’t release it at the beginning of the year, so I’m releasing it now in the second half of the year. I’m thinking of preparing things early on for next time so [we] are preparing for the production of another album.

There was a big change this year, you moved from JYP Entertainment to H1GHR MUSIC, right? What did you expect before becoming a part of H1GHR MUSIC?

At first I was worried. and was concerned over what to do if I couldn’t adapt. My goal for this year was to adapt to the agency and its artists, but everyone has made me feel comfortable. I thought I would have to do a lot of adjusting to the new agency staff, but I was surprised by how understanding they were of the system I had experienced. The way there has been no problem in our communication has far exceeded my expectations. Things are flowing smoothly.

It must feel like a fresh start. You must be looking forward to getting to do what you couldn’t do previously, but on the other side you must also have hopes to learn more. Is there anyone that could provide you with blunt advice?

I’m not the demanding type. And I have never strongly demanded anything from the company either. But that doesn’t mean I accept anything the company makes and provides me. The difference is that my opinion is reflected in my work more than before. If I was going to lead everything at work, there would have been no need to join an agency. Joining the agency means communicating with their staff. I also think we should listen to other people's opinions a lot. And you have to give feedback too, of course. I am working well with the company. Be it a push or advice as help, I learnt a lot from my previous company. Since I have learnt a lot from there, I should trust myself a little more now. I try to relay what I know and learn about things I’m not knowledgeable of. I rely on Jay Bum hyung a lot. I contact him right away when there’s something I don’t know, and we have a lot of conversations.

Is it important that an artist is stubborn? Do you feel the need to emphasise your own music and personality?

Artists have different personalities, just as people have different preferences. I don't want to diss an artist who is stubborn, nor do I want to tell anyone who isn’t stubborn that they are not an artist. I acknowledge everyone. I, personally, want to express the way I live. I like making music. An artist should be clear about what they want to do. Whether it be to become a star, or to express themselves through music or to earn money, it has to be clear.

What is your clear stance as an artist?

Whether it’s fiction or reality, I want to make stories. I’m the type that wants to tell a story. It was like that too in my GOT7 days. I believe one should create and establish their own path in life. I think that's fun. It's hard, but it's worth it. It adds more meaning to my job and I think it becomes more valuable. If I didn't do it myself, I would feel less attached to it.

There’s nothing more fun than one’s own work. Showing your work and waiting for the response must also be thrilling.

Exactly. I love hearing that my music is good. I’m very shy so I cannot express it very well but I’m very thankful and proud too. And it reassures me that I’m not going down the wrong path.

It does feel like all the hard times disappear when you hear good feedback. But feedback isn’t always good. There are even people who avoid them because of fear of criticism.

To be honest, when it comes to unpleasant feedback, it kind of makes me feel… “ouch!” But I accept it because it is still an evaluation. It also gives me a boost. It’s fun.

You are a solo artist now. Do you feel a burden or pressure?

I don’t feel pressured, but I do feel the burden. I joined H1GHR MUSIC and I feel a sense of belonging. I gain something from this company, but I think this company should gain something from me, too. I have worries about things like whether I’ll be able to benefit the company or not. I feel slightly uneasy about possibly not meeting expectations too.

You feel a sense of responsibility.

There's always a reason and a purpose to start anything. Everyone starts music because they like it, and if they start, there must be music they want to make. So if there is criticism, one would feel down, but if the final product is good, the people that worked on it would feel good. That’s what I hope for.

You uploaded a bunch of your Def. songs onto your YouTube channel. There was quite a lot. Are you the prolific type?

I used to be but… I guess I’m still the type to make many songs. (Laughs). But compared to back then, my production has decreased a lot. My stamina can’t keep up. (Laughs). I used to be able to start and finish working on a song at dawn and when I felt like I could do more, I made more. Nowadays, even when I’m working on only one song, not only is it hard for my body, but I also feel drained so I can’t make many songs.

Isn’t it really fast to make even one song at dawn?

Ah, that’s true. I used to work like that three or four times a week, but now I work once or twice a week. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm the prolific type anymore.

Being able to make a lot of things means you have a lot of ideas.

Having run out of ideas is also a reason for having less work done. There are five mixtapes I’ve uploaded onto YouTube with four to five tracks each. At the time, I not only worked on those but music for GOT7 too. After hustling so hard, I feel like I’ve run out of material. I look around wondering where to find inspiration. When I finish making the melody and want to write lyrics, I feel lost.

In order to be prepared for those situations, creators keep a collection of material. How do you collect resources?

I often read or use my imagination. These days, I often put myself in others’ shoes. When watching a movie, one would empathize with the protagonist. It’s only natural since the plot revolves around them. But I would pay attention to the supporting roles or passerbys in the background and think about the story from their point of view. I would think about what I would do if I heard those words and if I were in that situation. I also pay close attention to any words that might be a good source of inspiration. In the past I would focus on how the plot developed, but now I look at the words that the author uses repeatedly. When I think of any useful words or ideas, I jot them down.

Observing the supporting roles instead of the central narrative is such a novel idea.

I suddenly thought of it while watching a movie at home. The protagonist had said some harsh and rude words to a supporting role. It was something like “Get out of my way.” I thought “How would it have felt to be the one moving out of their way? What would they feel?” These were the thoughts I had.

Has anyone told you that you have a unique perspective?

I’ve often heard that my personality is very unique.

People can say they don’t like something despite others saying they like it. That could come off as unique and fresh ideas come from an uncommon perspective too.

I think it’s 50/50. There are times when something might not feel like much for me while others like it, and times when everyone else seems quite indifferent while I like it. A song I recently liked the idea of is “Smile, Wait for the Flash” by Giriboy where he used the ‘kacha’ shutter sound as gunfire. Using ‘kacha’ like a gunfire as a metaphor for wrapping up your feelings after a breakup was a refreshing idea. It was great.

Do you also often use your instincts?

I try hard to. I don’t naturally use my instincts, but I try to look at things through a different lens. I tend to have random thoughts, and I had one today during the shoot too. This is a camping site, but there was no one camping. So I imagined how it would look when full of people moving about. Also during the shoot, there was a long blade of grass under my feet on a field of grass. I should have avoided it but I accidentally stepped on it. I felt sorry for the grass that got stepped on and out of instinct I said “sorry…”

Seems like you have keen sensibility.

I wish I could be sensible. I’m too cautious to say that I am sensible, though.

I think you would be considered a sensible person because you make music. But I noticed that the comments are disabled for Def.’s mixtapes on YouTube.

The songs that I make under “Def.” are 100% music that I personally wanted to make. I didn’t want to receive feedback, so I disabled the comments. If I release an album under “Def.” in the future, I probably won't be able to disable the comments. I don’t know. The reason I have disabled the comments is because I don’t want to see any praise nor criticism. I don’t look at the comments for my SoundCloud tracks either. Because they’re very personal projects, I’m worried I could be swayed by it so I don’t look at it on purpose. I don’t want to be swayed by anything when it comes to my personal projects. I guess that’s my way of being stubborn.

So it sounds like you’re saying the songs that are made under the name Def. are like a part of you. I can feel your sincerity towards your music.

I would pretend to be indifferent to evaluations, but I’m really scared of receiving negative comments. Not the criticism but I’m scared to look at comments that decide something as ‘not good.’ If they say that it’s not their style, then it’s just personal preference. There may not be songs that match their preference within my discography. But it’s difficult for me to hear people say ‘this is not good, bad, or meh.’ After all, those songs came from me and are like my children.

I remember many tracks with gentle melodies and discovered JAY B’s delicate side. Is this surprising to hear?

This is the first time I’ve been called delicate. I do have several sensitive/vibey songs. I want to try something like a pop, hip-hop, or smug and cocky vibe but I’m not good at that. I don’t think it’s my personality.

What is considered a good melody to you?

Something that feels good at the first listen. My music taste has been so diverse recently that even when I talk to my friends about music, the songs that we all like are different. It’s hard to reach a consensus. In the creator’s perspective, even if something doesn’t sound good to others but it does to the creator, I consider that to be a good melody. I used to stress over how to write a good melody, how to sing it, and if the company would like it. As I move on step by step, I found a standard where at least the melody should sound good enough to me to not abandon the song since everyone has different preferences.

Personal preferences are important but it must be an important job to cater to the general public too. No, I mean, a difficult job.

That’s right. I think I still lack the ability to create melodies that the general public would like. I will have to learn step by step. One thing I feel is that there must be a part that sticks. I can’t exactly describe what type of melody it would be, but to set a minimum standard, it would be ‘a melody that I’m satisfied with. If it’s one that I’m not satisfied with but the public likes, I should follow that.

Do you tend to use many tracks when making music? There’s lot of songs these days that use dozens of layers of tracks.

We used a lot of harmonies with GOT7. Because there were so many harmonies, there was a crazy number of tracks too. These days, I try to be minimal and reduce harmonies. I don’t layer many tracks. I usually have the main track with a few harmonies and some adlibs.

K-Pop in particular mixes many genres and harmonies to create complex music. They are very flashy. What do you think of this phenomenon as someone who prefers to be minimal?

I see it as a good thing, because it means that the general public’s preference is expanding to a variety. It’s rather better. Of course, the basics are also important and I do feel the necessity to study them but we also need to agree with change. We should accept change. Who knows, I might grow old to be someone that can’t accept change and wonder, ‘what kind of music is this?’ But I feel that now is a time to open our eyes to change. When I find that a song is difficult to listen to, I will purposely listen to it repeatedly.

It’s been 10 years since you’ve debuted. How much have you changed over these 10 years?

In the past I was ambitious and had high expectations, but now I am more relaxed. With age, I think my sensitive side is becoming more and more dull. When I let go of some desires, I get to be accepting of more things. The scope of my activities also seems to have widened. I used to have a stubborn side to me in the past. Now I’m like ‘don’t expect too much, don’t anticipate too much,’ just do my job diligently!

There are many artists that use other creative hobbies to ease the burdens of their main job. What do you do to cope with your fuel for creativity?

My hobby is photography so I take many photos. I also learned how to draw at one point but nowadays, I don’t have time to draw since I’m busy. I also make records of things often. I write down my thoughts, even useless things. I also use an audio recorder to record my mood, thoughts, and things I’m currently doing. I also write letters to my future self. Things like ‘this is why I’m struggling, this is what would be good for me now but how it would be for my future self?’ Wondering what I will be thinking about and what I would look like. I write letters to myself about stuff like that. I put them in envelopes according to the year and on the envelope I write down the year the letter was written.

So It’s like an archive of your time. Writing, journaling, letters, photos, music, it’s interesting. A very organised way of saving your thoughts to not lose them. Having said that, is there anyone else you would like to show your records to besides your future self?

Ah! I can’t show this to people. They’ll cringe. (Laughs) It’s sort of embarrassing. I can show the photos to everyone but I want to keep voice messages to myself. I hope that when I am older, I can look at them as I laugh and reminisce about my life. They’re records for myself.

Do you also record everyday life in any way?

I record when I find it interesting the way I thought about something. Even looking at my journal from last year or the year before, my thoughts were different from now. I find it intriguing to see the way people can change like this. I think I tend to have many thoughts, so I record them every day.

From the position of a creator, I guess journaling can be seen as an activity to collect one’s senses and emotions to use them as material for inspiration.

That’s right. My brain isn’t good enough for me to remember everything. There are situations when I recall a memory and decide I could write this down.

What was the most fun thing you did lately?

It’s a bit dangerous, but it was when I rode around on my motorcycle with my friend. There was suddenly a heavy downpour. Since I needed to go home, I rode the motorcycle in the rain. I was completely soaked when I got home. The journey home was super difficult, but I was fortunate enough to not have suffered any injuries. It was a completely new experience so it was very fun. I don’t want to experience it again but it felt like an adventure.

Wearing the Burberry 2021 F/W collection in the pictorial today must also be a new experience. Slightly different from the refined and classic Burberry, the collection shows a lot of change. What were your usual thoughts on Burberry?

I thought of it as a clean and straightforward style. Ever since some time, I noticed their young and bold changes. Although today’s outfits contained many new attempts and changes, I felt that their style was still well refined. I felt that Burberry used their own unique perspective to cleanly interpret nature’s elements. Wearing the outfits, I felt like they had a lot of fun ideas.

Which outfit left the biggest impression on you?

Choosing just one is very difficult. There was one that gave off the feel of a medieval knight, and made me feel like a monarch. I’ve heard that in medieval times, people would also wear bearskin from hunting. I think that has some influence on the Burberry outfits that I wore today. Every time I put on an outfit, I always felt like a medieval knight or king. The fur on the clothes had a strong animalistic feel to it. The scenery, weather, and concept were all very harmonious with each other.

Going back to the topic of music, you said that you like to tell stories. Do you also create a universe with music?

Yes, I create a universe for each album. This album creates this universe, while that album creates another. The albums won’t connect to create one universe, though. Each album is its own world, nothing more. I can’t make them magnificently connect into a grand universe. I like to put my story into each album.

Can you use a keyword to describe the universe of the album you are about to release?

It would be “SOMO:FUME.” This is the first album that I made after joining H1GHR MUSIC. This album consists of my energy, feelings, and thoughts, so it contains the meaning of my hopes for people to consume (somo in Korean) this product and and my wishes for my emotions to smear on to you like perfume, which is why I combined [somo] with the [English word] perfume, and named [the album] SOMO:FUME.

In which direction will JAY B’s music flow from now onwards?

I’ve pondered about directionality for a long time, but I couldn’t come up with an answer. The important part is to participate enough for me to not have regrets and be careful. I may disappoint myself if I have too many expectations for the future. I need to work diligently to not be disappointed when I look back; so that in the future, I can see that I worked hard.

Translated by defdaily.

Please support JAY B’s 1st EP album [SOMO:FUME] coming out on August 26 at 6PM KST. jayb1stsoloep.carrd.co

#jaebeom #lim jaebeom #jay b #def.#got7 #got7 jb #interviewtrans #defdaily #defdaily:trans #h1ghrmusic #somofume #style of my own: fume #SOMO:FUME

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hongism · 3 years

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the little things - c. jongho

↣ pairing: jongho x reader; mentioned poly ot8 x reader ↣ genre: sfw, fluff, hurt/comfort, angst, fantasy au, witch ateez au ↣ wc: 3.6k ↣ summary: when the winters seem to drag and last forever, you find yourself slipping a bit into murky waters of despair. jongho is your lifeline, your lifesaver, your lifeboat, determined to guide you back to peaceful shores. ↣ warnings: mentions of intrusive thoughts, depression, lots of Talking about depression/grief/mourning, mentions of death/talking about someone who has died

The air bites harshly at your skin, nipping the areas where you can’t be bothered to pull your blanket up over, and if you were in a different emotional state, perhaps you would find it in you to care more. Instead, you remain rooted to the spot — a small stump behind your cottage that overlooks the quiet and expansive forest just over the lip of the hill. It’s a beautiful sight, even in the midst of winter like this where snow has just fallen and left a white sheen to the tips of the trees below you.

It would be wise for you to be inside just in case someone decides to climb the hill to your shop and request a prescription, but you know you will sense them coming before they even reach the stairs.

So, you stay where you are, letting your blanket slip a little more from your shoulders. Your guest — even the loud and boisterous one as he works — sings along to a silent melody, painting your ears with the pleasant sound of his voice as he moves freshly chopped wood to your dwindling pile by the house. Despite your attempts to help, he simply told you to stay put and not move a muscle while he chopped and moved them. Arguing with him would be a losing fight anyway.

In all honesty, as beautiful and delightful as the forest below you usually is, you cannot find it in you to see that beauty right now. Nothing seems to be working. All your wasted and helpless attempts to feel some type of way about your surroundings have failed time and time again. Either that or they are drowned out by that lingering ache in your chest, the one that clenches your heart tight in its clutches and pins you to the ground in a state of numbness that sadly is not foreign to you.

You wish you had a better explanation for that tightness in your chest. Whenever Seonghwa or Hongjoong asks after you and how you’re faring, you scrape by and say you are doing fine. Because yes, you are arguably fine. Not bad but not particularly good either. Just a middle ground of fine. (Nothing is ever truly fine in such a world where the word has become a cloak for how one truly feels, and you know both Hongjoong and Seonghwa can see right through your ruse each time you utter the words ‘I’m fine’. Neither push you further than that, however, so you don’t say anything else). Part of you feels the tuggings of guilt on your heartstrings when one of the others tries to cheer you up — Wooyoung with his playful jokes and endless tickle fights on the couch that end with you exhaling an exasperated sigh and leaving him there alone, San who does anything and everything to help but is too clumsy for his own good so he accidentally makes things worse, Yunho who tries his best to sit with you in absolute silence without moving while you read but inevitably cannot sit still for more than five minutes without doing something. So you do feel guilty for not being able to cheer up when they try their hardest to break that emotional wall around you.

It must be frustrating for them to have to deal with you while in such a state of emotional distortion and confusion; you aren’t sure whether you could be nearly as patient as they are with you (god, they are all so endlessly patient — another thing to feel guilty about). Yet you must admit that it is frustrating for you as well. Because as much as you want to be more than just fine or okay or whatever variation of “I’m not good, not bad, I don’t know what the fuck I am, I just am” you are on a certain day, you cannot will yourself into pushing those negative thoughts and feelings out of the picture. Almost like the thing holding you down has an anchor tied to your ankle and causes you to sink deeper and deeper each time you try to fight your way out of it.

Maybe you aren’t paying as much attention as you thought you were after all because when a firm hand reaches down to clasp around your shoulder, you are more than a little startled.

The little jump in your body as well as the sudden gasp that tears through your lips catches your companion off-guard too, it seems. Although Jongho is always a hard book to read; he doesn’t wear his feelings on his sleeve the way people like Wooyoung and San do. The slight and momentary widening of his eyes tells you all you need to know before you let yourself relax under his warm touch.

That’s another thing about Jongho — he is always so warm. Now, of course, you are fairly certain that part of that relates to him being an elemental witch, so obviously he will carry some extra warmth in his body because of those energies, but he holds a different kind of warmth with him as well. One that makes you believe for almost a second that it will be okay.

The sun flickering at the edge of the horizon.

Two swallows flitting across the bright and clear morning sky.

The rolling forest that rests at the foot of your hill.

It’s green today. The snow caps the trees just enough to leave hints of winter foliage peeking through.

Green and alive and beautiful.

Then the illusion breaks, like the anchor around your foot let up for just that moment to let you gasp in a desperate gulp of air and beauty before dragging you back into its abyss.

What a cruel, cruel mistress.

“Too cold?” Jongho inquires as he squats down beside you. A smile twists his lips, gentle and effervescent. (“Love,” your mind helpfully supplies, “he looks at you with love”).

“It’s not too bad today,” you reply in a quiet tone. There lies an alternate meaning to what you said, something contained and locked away in the box you call your heart, and Jongho takes that box into his hands so carefully as always. Sits down on the snow-covered ground without complaint beside your tiny stump and lets his hand slip down to rest over where your thigh meets your knee. It’s careful. Your lip twitches in some direction.

“That still implies it’s a little bad.”

You hum in response. There isn’t much for you to say to that even though he is unfortunately all too correct in saying such a thing.

“I chopped enough wood to last you through February. Should be a harsher winter than usual, so don’t hesitate to send for me if you need more before then.” You reach down to cover Jongho’s hand, tracing pointless and unknown patterns into the back of his hand. The touch is more for you than anything else; a peace of mind that allows you to disconnect the brutal reality of your pained chest from what is sitting right in front of you. Love, joy, care, warmth.

Why does your chest only grow colder in the face of something that burns so hot?

Jongho’s lips move again, and you are almost certain that he is speaking to you but the deep waters clog your ears and make it impossible to understand what he’s saying to you.

Why does this anchor never find a place to rest? You want to rest.

When you fail to respond or even acknowledge whatever Jongho has said in the slightest, he takes it upon himself to stand back up and nudge you away from your little stump. You are understandably confused by the action but too …absent to reality to complain or fight back against whatever he’s doing.

So you opt to simply stand off to the side and watch as Jongho brushes stray pieces of snow off your blanket. He wraps it snug back around your shoulders. It’s a bit warmer this time. Then, he guides you to the back door, hand closing around the soft white handle and pushing into the cottage without a word. This is just another language you speak. Understanding. Push and pull. The complex nature of working with an emotionally stunted and constipated individual who does not know how to communicate what exactly they are feeling or thinking in the moment.

You prefer to just exist rather than bog yourself down with such detailed intricacies — it makes things easier for you in the long run.

Once inside, Jongho continues to push you forward until you reach the positively tiny dining table you have set up next to the kitchen. Hardly an excuse for a dining table since it’s barely bigger than your bedside table but then again it’s made to seat you and only you. That doesn’t stop Jongho from pulling a second chair up to slot into the space directly to the right of your chair. Again you do not fight him when he eases you down onto the soft ivory cushion.

Instinct causes you to shift and look out the window above your table, finding the first few flakes of the morning snow beginning to fall. You wonder if Jongho sensed the weather shifting or if it’s merely happenstance that brought you both inside before the snow started.

“Seonghwa went on a rampage and cleaned the house again,” Jongho murmurs. He follows your gaze out the window but doesn’t say anything more than that, leaving the conversation open and hanging onto a hope for your response.

“Is he worried over Hongjoong?”

“No more than usual. You know how he gets. Can’t sit still even when you ask him to.” You shift to look at Jongho, noting the smile that curls at the corners of his lips, and this time you return the gesture with a lopsided grin of your own. “All before sunrise too.”

“He always has to be the first to wake up, otherwise he doesn’t get to tell you that you’re his darling sunrise.”

Jongho’s smile stretches wider and shows off his gums and teeth. It’s beautiful, you think, somewhere in the back of your mind that remains untouched by that cold sadness. Happiness looks good on Jongho — warm, alive, and beautiful. You wonder if it looks the same on your features as well, if it were ever to come back to you.

“Shall I prepare some tea?”

“You’re beginning to sound like Yeosang.”

“Maybe all those naps on the couch are finally starting to have weird side effects on me.” Jongho shrugs then laughs under his breath, but the sound is still clear and bright on your ears. He pushes back from the table to step into your small kitchen nonetheless, not waiting for your answer to his question as he begins to rummage through your cabinets.

“That would make sense; you’re his favorite after all.”

“Hm, I think Seonghwa has me beat there.”

“Only because of their familiar bond. Otherwise, I’m positive you would take the cake.” You prop your elbows up on the edge of the table, leaning forward until your chin rests atop your clenched fists, and you simply watch Jongho move around the kitchen with little on your mind for a bit. He’s quiet again; this time, he doesn’t speak as he works, and it allows you to stew in the silence while you can. You have to remind yourself that sometimes it’s like this. Some days are harder than others. Some days are easier, and some are like today where you can’t even manage to pinpoint the source of your negative feelings.

You glance over at the wall, staring hard at the small chalkboard that sits there with your messing scrawling and intelligible handwriting. Then your stare settles on today’s date. The small red circle around the number placed in roman numerals there. You left no other note there, no indication of what the red circle means, but after several years of practicing said habit, the knowledge is deeply ingrained in your mind now.

“Ah…” you exhale without thinking. You don’t notice the way Jongho’s gaze flickers over to you, how his hand hesitates near the kettle, or how he follows your stare to the calendar. You’re far too engrossed in the swarm of hurt in your chest. Suddenly your shifting moods make much more sense. “Another year, another birthday passed.”

The day always feels so odd and cathartic to you. A day one is supposed to celebrate that has long since grown cold and lonely because the one you are meant to be celebrating is nothing present. Birthdays are almost worse than the other melancholy anniversary that hasn’t left your mind.

You force your gaze away from the calendar to look back at where Jongho stands frozen as a statue in the kitchen.

“Did you… remember?” You ask. Jongho doesn’t typically come over unannounced, but he rarely explains why he comes to visit either. He did neither again today. It is far more understandable now that you’ve finally realized what day it is.

“I did,” he whispers back before settling back into his routine of making tea. “I did not want to mention it unless you brought it up first.”

His tone is careful and wary, like he’s treading on broken glass and trying not to make the damage worse. You are almost grateful for it.

“It’s okay,” you say through a strained smile. “At least I know why I’m feeling this way now.”

Next thing you know, Jongho is abandoning his station at the stove, leaving the kettle behind to heat up, and he returns to your side within seconds. Although this time, he merely stands beside your chair and brings his hands down to cradle your face in his rough and warm hands. You can’t understand why until his thumbs brush something damp away from your cheeks. You don’t even remember feeling the tears spring up.

“It’s okay.”

You nearly snap back and say it’s not okay, why would it be okay if you’re crying like this? But then it hits you that Jongho is not implying the situation is okay or that it is not something to be upset over. Rather, he’s telling you that it’s okay to cry like this, to be affected and hurt and in pain. You wish you could believe it.

“I thought it would get easier as more time passed.” You keep your tone quiet, knowing that if you lift your voice any higher it will begin to crack and break.

“Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. But I think you’ve made lots of progress as it is.” Jongho squats down until most of his weight is pushed onto his toes, sitting just beneath your eye level now. His hands don’t drift from your face for a second though, and right now, you couldn’t be more grateful for the warmth of his touch. “It’s not always about measuring the pain or comparing how much it hurts not to how much it hurt back then. Sometimes it’s about being able to see how you’ve grown and how you can look back at memories that were once painful with fondness now. And occasionally, it’s about being able to look at the calendar and smile because you know you get to celebrate a life and a soul that you still cherish.”

“What if one day I look at that calendar and don’t remember though? I don’t want to forget, but I want to be okay.” You suck your lower lip between your teeth and bite down hard on the skin. It doesn’t help with your sudden influx of tears (not that you expected it to) but Jongho wipes them away with each one that falls.

“Is that what you’re afraid of? Forgetting?”

“Y-Yeah. I get… I get upset because — I don’t know. Part of me feels guilty to even want to be okay when I know that he didn’t get to be. He didn’t have the chance to be okay, he was gone before he had that, and I’m here and I just… feeling a lot less deserving of that.”

Jongho shifts his weight to rest on his knees now, and he pulls you a bit further down to still comfortably hold your face between his palms.

“Would he want you to punish yourself for something out of your control? Or would he want you to rest in the knowledge that he is okay now? Resting easy after a long fight and at peace because he did well in his life? Even if that life did not last as long as we might have hoped, he still did well and worked hard and showed a life that was full of many beautiful things, no?”

“You’re right,” you murmur, eyes flitting away from Jongho’s ever so gentle ones. “I’m thankful for the time I had with him, even if it wasn’t as long as I imagined it would be. He’s at peace and he’s resting and okay now. Just the selfish part of me isn’t ready to let go.”

“You don’t ever have to let go, darling. Not completely. And if you don’t want to let go, then that gives me confidence that you won’t forget him or the memories of him. He will always be resting here.” Jongho’s left hand falls to rest over your heart, fingers barely brushing against the soft material of your clothes there. You instinctively reach over to cover his hand with one of your own and press him closer and closer until his palm lies flat against your chest. “He would want you to find the peace you deserve even if he isn’t here on earth anymore.”

“I’m trying my best to remember that,” you counter. The words come out a bit choked and thick thanks to your tears but you push through that and continue speaking nonetheless. “I’m trying to remember that he would want us to celebrate him and remember him fondly, not just the sad parts or the tragedy. He wouldn’t want to be remembered as something sad or a tragedy, and he wouldn’t want to only be remembered when times are sad. I just feel like I’m drowning in these feelings and can’t get out sometimes.”

“In times of grief, we often let ourselves sink because we lose ourselves in the feelings of pain and sadness. It’s easier to get lost in it than it is to fight your way out of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. There’s always a way out. Sometimes you just need someone to hold your hand and help guide you home.”

“I want to go home,” you whisper. It sounds utterly stupid to say aloud since you are sitting in your own damn kitchen right now, you are home physically, of course you are, and you are more than well aware of that. Still, your heart feels like it’s torn from your chest and off who knows where with no hope of coming home, yet Jongho just twists his hand around and takes hold of yours. You cling to your lifeline harder.

“Do you trust us to stand by you until you find your way home?”

“Always.”

“Then I promise that’s exactly what we’ll do.” Jongho pulls your hand close to his face, then presses his lips to your knuckles. The gesture is soft and intimate, even moreso with the knowledge that Jongho isn’t one to typically engage in such physical affection often, and you feel some warmth creep into your chest again.

“Will you stay even after that?” You ask through a breathless whisper, bracing your hands on Jongho’s firm shoulders and offering a teary smile. Jongho pushes up, and his head bumps haphazardly into your shoulder as he moves suddenly. It causes you to tip back a bit, nearly falling all the way off the chair, but he catches you before you can slip. It’s not a verbal answer, nor do you need it to be because you’d like to think you can understand what Jongho means in the movements without hearing him say it. “Thank you for being patient with me. All of you are so patient and gentle with me.”

“I think this is where Seonghwa would say something grossly sappy like ‘that’s part of being in love’,” Jongho murmurs before his forehead finds purchase against yours. You let your eyes flutter shut and rest in the gentle embrace. “Thank you for opening your heart to me.” You hum back, not bothering with words in favor of just drinking in Jongho’s presence. “The kettle is boiling away, you know.”

“Let me have this for just a few moments more.”

“Always,” Jongho sighs against you, but it’s not a tired or exasperated sound, merely content in the peaceful space the two of you have created. You’re content as well — okay for now, fine for now, but maybe even leaning more on doing well and feeling good. Not perfect, although you don’t think it needs to be perfect as long as you have the hopes of reaching safe shores.

...

a/n: this came at an opportune time i think? april 7th/8th is always difficult for me and i know many people can relate to that well and understand that feeling, and i kinda unintentionally reflected those feelings into this part of little things, but i hope maybe that you can find comfort in this and understand how important and valid your feelings are, no matter what ❤❤

#atzinc #kdiarynet #kwritersworldnet #jongho x reader #ateez fluff #ateez angst #depression tw #anxiety tw #ateez x reader #jongho fluff #jongho angst #ateez imagines #ateez drabbles #jongho imagines #jongho drabbles #fic; the little things

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hypnomicimagines · 3 years

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In Another Life [Jinguji Jakurai]

You don’t know what you did to end up on the receiving end of a knife.

You had been peacefully slumbering, your parents in the next room over having finally quieted down after an extended fight that you hoped would lead to a divorce. It was a bit dark to think such things but you were a teenager now, you were beginning to understand adult issues and you could tell that there was something hovering over them causing these outbursts. Perhaps separating wouldn’t be in their best interest but you were simply tired of the yelling, of the constant negativity, of the inability to exist in your own house without having to be stressed about when the next fight was coming.

You fell asleep thinking about them but your dreams had been far more pleasant, a technicolor daydream of another life, one where you were unapologetically happy.

And then you woke up to a knife to your throat.

Your eyes met your attackers briefly, a chill coursing through your veins at that complete lack of emotion in them. You were used to being surrounded by anger and hatred, but there was something foreign about this look. It’s like his eyes (you thought it was a man, a boy, but it was rather dark) were devoid of any emotion, telling you ‘this isn’t personal’; luckily you were feeling enough emotions for both of you but remained too afraid to move, frozen in place as you lock eyes with your attacker.

What were you feeling now? Acceptance? You wished you could say goodbye to your parents. Would this mystery man at least let you do that? There are a thousand thoughts running through your head but you notice as time ticks on that he’s unmoving, that he can’t seem to tear his eyes off of you. You almost want to ask if he’s okay despite how nonsensical it would be to do so flinching when he finally moved. The knife is no longer pressed to your throat and as he’s pulling away, a sliver of moonlight drifting in through your window reveals that his hands are shaking.

Was he as scared as you were?

Was he feeling regret?

You don’t get an answer, your vision blurring before you’re left alone in your room once more. You almost think that he was simply a hallucination before you feel something wet sliding down your neck, fingers coming up to curiously feel around the area, stained red with your blood. You sat up from your bed and ripped the covers off, running screaming down the hall for your mother as you suddenly realized something bad had almost happened. The rest of the night is filled with your screams, your tears, life as you knew it ending.

You didn’t think much of it now that you were an adult.

You had a fulfilling career, owning a club of your own in Shinjuku where you often hosted costume nights and other little celebrations to give people a respite from their boring day jobs. You loved greeting all types of customers, making long-lasting friendships that might benefit you in the long-run, working until the wee hours of the morning when you finally dragged yourself home (though there was a backroom at the club that you sometimes made a temporary place of rest as you got too exhausted to walk back to your apartment). Your life had been on a steady track for such a long time you didn’t think anything else could possibly upset it, after all, what could be more senselessly tragic then finding the dead bodies of your own parents?

You had run into their room that night and thankfully, the carnage had been mostly hidden by the dark but the scent of copper hitting your nose made you realize quickly what had happened. Had that same person who ominously loomed over you killed your parents first? Or had it simply been a job done by multiple people at once? You didn’t want to think too deeply about it, for the sake of your sanity you knew you couldn’t play detective, but for many people it left a pressing question in the back of their minds.

Why did it happen? Why were you left alive?

All you knew was that you were alive. You had lived through that night, being shown some odd sliver of mercy from that dark, emotionless figure, and you weren’t going to squander what you had been given. You would live your life, unquestioning, mourning your parents but doing your best to live a life that would make them proud.

You met him one cold December night, walking down the street with an unfortunate number of shopping backs in your arms. They weren’t difficult or too heavy for you to hold but you were looking forward to being home, hoping that you’d get there soon so you could decorate your home with the new decorations you’d had. You were deep in thought when you’re suddenly bumped into by a gaggle of squealing women, eyebrow raised as you hear them speaking of some type of rap battle going on. You had been curious about the upcoming DRB, of course everyone and their mother had been talking about Matenro in Shinjuku, but you found yourself too busy to look too far into it.

But there they were.

The blonde was the number one host in Shinjuku, you’d passed the billboards countless times, and the other one was the most exhausted looking office worker you had ever seen. At first their leader, the one with long flowing hair adorned in a doctor’s coat, had his faced turned in the opposite direction, politely greeting some fans that had the courage to approach them. His mannerisms made him seem polite enough but those women were swooning, leaving you curious as to what he looked like. He had to be a bombshell, right? No one acts like that for some average joe.

And then he turns toward you, his eyes drifting through the crowd until they meet yours.

You’d recognize those eyes anywhere.

They’re different for sure, they’re no longer blank but filled with an emotion that you’re not aware of. You are, however, aware of how hard this man is staring at you now and as confident as you are in your looks, you’re pretty sure he’s recognized you as well. For a second you have to wonder if this is the end of the line, if this man is about to actually take you out since you know some rather scandalous information about him, but then again how could you ever prove it? It takes all the will power in your body to tear your eyes away from him, pushing back into the crowd that had slowly started to form around Matenro until you’d managed to sneak into an alley.

Your night continues unimpeded, thankfully no man is standing by your bedside when you wake up the following afternoon; you’re almost a little disappointed as he looked far more beautiful after all these years, you certainly wouldn’t have minded getting a house call from him. The trauma you had gone through was really rearing its ugly head with your sense of humor but it was amusing in the end to see that your potential assassin had turned his life around into not only becoming a doctor, but also a famous rapper. You almost wished you had approached him just to see what he would say, what he would do, but that plan had officially been canceled as you suspected you wouldn’t see the man again for a very long time.

That night was when he came for his first visit to your club.

You spot him sitting at the bar and he’s rather hard to miss, not to mention he’s so recognizable that you’d have to be blind not to realize who he was. Doing a quick internet search helped you refresh your memory on his name, Jinguji Jakurai, and there were quite a few articles about what a skilled doctor he had turned out to be (as well as his past experience being in a famous rap group which was often compared to the group he was part of now). Did his teammates know who he was? Did they know what he did? Or were they just as blissfully unaware?

“Did you come back to finish the job?”

You shoo away the bartender before speaking with Jakurai, knowing this is a conversation you’d like to deal with one on one. The club wasn’t technically open yet but he must’ve talked his way inside by flashing a handsome smile; you could only imagine all the things that smile of his could get him. You don’t get to see it as he doesn’t find your joke nearly as funny as you do, almost flinching as you bring up a past he likely wants to forget about. You have to deal with the reality of that past though and so does he, regardless of how you both personally feel about it. But you’re curious as to what this visit is about, ready to call for security at any given moment should things go south.

Jakurai takes a few moments to respond, taking a sip from his grapefruit juice (you noticed the lack of alcohol in his drink right away) before he responds.

“I never thought I’d see you again.” His hands remain wrapped around his glass, Jakurai casting a contemplative glass at its contents.

“That’s fair enough because I can say the exact same thing. But… Why are you here, exactly? Did you want a thank you for not killing me? Because like thanks and all, but you still got my parents so we’re not exactly even in my book.” Another wince of pain, but he takes your shot with grace, nodding his head as you continued on. “I’m glad to see life’s been treating you so well, Doc, but mines been a mess. So what is it that you want?”

“To apologize,” Jakurai stated firmly, eyes coming to meet yours. “For all the pain that I have caused you.”

“Your apology isn’t accepted.” He’s not at all surprised which sort of pisses you off, of course this assassin rapper man has it more together than you. There are long buried emotions beginning to bubble to the surface and you consider grabbing his glass to dump the contents all over him, Jakurai removing his hands from it as though he had read your mind. But as quickly as the anger bubbled up it simmered down, your heart still hammering in your chest as you tried to regain control of your emotions. “Can you at least tell me why? Did you… Were you the one who did it?”

“…I didn’t. I don’t believe that would make you feel any better about what happened but I… You were the first person who made me truly believe that I could no longer live the life I was living.” Jakurai’s voice softened, “You were like a light in the darkness, too bright to look at yet I couldn’t bring myself to look away. I wanted to thank you as well for all that you’ve done for me but it didn’t seem right to do it in the same breath.”

“You… I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to think of this. You’re thanking me? You didn’t kill my parents but you were definitely about to kill me but you… stopped because I was some light to you? Some person who made you realize killing other people was wrong? You know how that sounds, right?”

“There’s a lot in my life I wish to atone for.” Jakurai flashed that handsome smile that had gotten him into your club early, “I don’t expect your forgiveness but it wouldn’t feel right to be reunited with you without expressing my regrets.”

He stood from the bar and placed money on the counter, straightening himself out and brushing his hair from his shoulder as he prepared to leave. It felt wrong to leave it there, to allow him to exit your life once again as quickly as he had entered it, especially when you felt you were still owed something. You reached across the bar to grab at his sleeve, tugging on it and watching as Jakurai turned around with a surprised expression on his face.

“Just.. come perform here or somethin’, okay? Get me some business and maybe I’ll start to think about forgiving you. Maybe.”

Jakurai smiled but this time it was more amused in nature, as if he didn’t expect something like that from you.

“As you wish.”

And your wishes were fulfilled.

You met Hifumi and Doppo through Jakurai, listening to them both speak highly of their leader and all that he had done for them. For all intents and purposes, it seemed he truly had turned over a new leaf, as far as they knew anyway. He hadn’t really given you any reason to doubt his change in character, even now when you look into his eyes you could tell something had changed within him, and Jakurai did uphold his promise to have Matenro perform. He even came back whenever the three of them weren’t busy, increasing publicity for the club further as now it was assumed you were good friends of the three rappers instead of just a one-off gig.

You could say that was very close to what was happening.

You were fond of Hifumi and Doppo, you always threw free drinks at poor Doppo who came in to complain about his boss and laughed at all of Hifumi’s stories that were at Doppo’s expense. Chatting with them had been much too fun for you to cut it short so you spent your nights at the club with them at their VIP table, Jakurai quietly watching the interactions between the three of you with a content expression on his face. You didn’t know how happy it made him to see the three important people in his life getting along well, you probably hadn’t even guessed how important you truly were to him just yet.

“I still see you as that light,” Jakurai confessed one night after the club had closed, not a hint of shame on his face, “However, now that I’ve gotten to know you… You’ve become so much more to me. It feels out of line to say such things after all I’ve done…”

“Yeah, it sure does.” You feel a little awkward now because you felt the exact same way, completely fascinated by this man, enamored with him like a lot of the women in his life seemed to be. Yet you were the one who got to be close to him like this, who got to sit face-to-face alone with him while he wasn’t on the job, and that had to count for something. “But you… You mean a lot more to me now, too.”

This is the first time you’ve ever seen a look of genuine surprise on his face but you quite liked the way his eyes raised and the corner of his mouth twitched, not sure if he should smile or frown at your statement. He let out a sigh but he it was out of relief more than anything, knowing he didn’t deserve even that out of you after what he had done. To find love with the one target he couldn’t kill… How many sleepless nights had he spent thinking of you, worrying over what might have become of you?

“This is like, kinda fucked up, you know? Like what type of weird way to meet is ‘I almost killed you but realized I couldn’t and now we’re in love’? Like seriously, there’s gotta be like ten trashy, poorly written romance novels about-“

You continued to ramble on nervously, knowing this hardly made sense but at the same time who cared? This was your life after all, and if you wanted a pretty doctor to kiss you to make you feel better, then you would get it! Past be damned, you were going to take this God given gift of a man and use him for all he was worth.

Jakurai’s fingers gently touch your face, running along your jaw towards the small scar, the scar he had made, before he suddenly shied away. But you don’t want him to leave, you crave his touch now, putting his hand right back where it was and looking up at him with pure determination. There were heavy sins weighing him down, resting on his shoulders, but he had only been a child himself, something that made forgiving him a little easier to swallow. You believed him when he said he hadn’t been the one to kill your parents and you believed him when he said he was remorseful for the lasting impact he had on your life.

“Jakurai, I’ve come up with a way to forgive you.”

“Is that right?” Jakurai’s smiling his beautiful ethereal smile that always causes your heart to skip a beat, “How might I be of service?”

“Kiss me.”

“I have a lifetime of mistakes to make up for,” Jakurai whispered against your lips, hands cradling your face in a loving manner, “I don’t deserve you.”

“You say that yet…” You reached over to run your fingers through his silky hair, twirling a strand of it around your finger, “I can’t account for your other mistakes but that doesn’t matter to me now. You’ve changed for the better, you save lives every day, so as long as you keep doing that… I think that I… I forgive you, Jakurai. So please, accept my heart and protect it.”

Those words he never thought he would hear finally reach his ears and he’s so filled with joy he could hardly contain himself, brief tears gathering at the corner of his eyes before he leans in to press his lips against yours. You want to pull away, to tease that he had only kissed you now because he was trying to hide the overflowing emotions he was currently dealing with, but it felt far too good to leave Jakurai’s embrace now.

If you could help it, you’d never have to live without his embrace again.

#Jinguji Jakurai #Jakurai Jinguji #Hypnosis Mic #Hypnosis Microphone #Hypnosis Mic Imagines #Hypnosis Mic x Reader #Hypnosis Microphone Imagines #Hypnomic #Hypmic #Jinguji Jakurai x Reader #Jakurai Jinguji x Reader #Scenario

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ladyeliot · 3 years

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Aftermath

Request: This is a request that @mycosmicparadise asked me for a long time ago. Sorry, sweetie.

Pairing: Tony Stark x Avenger Female Reader

Summary: After the events in New York, the team reunites to carry out the mission to get Loki's scepter, but things go wrong and your mission changes completely, now you have to go after Ultron, but you find yourself unable to keep your powers under control.

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of abuse.

Word count: 3972

A/N: Avengers Age of Ultron. Some of the dialogue is taken from the film. Sorry for my spelling and grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language, I am learning.

Reader's powers: She is a powerful empath, as she can sense and manipulate other people's emotions. Proficient unarmed combatant.

Hydra, Research Base, Eastern Europe.

You felt like your insides were full of hate and rage, every person you met through the thick forest, the only thing they felt when they saw you was dislike, mixed with the anger of wanting to get rid of you. Your powers worked because you kept your own emotions under control, but it was a constant struggle, as you used to feel inside you the emotions that others possessed and that made your insides filled with every negative emotion.

"Shit!" you heard Tony through the relay you had inserted in the back of your ear.

"Language!" Steve instantly rebutted him.

You held your position through the thick forest of Sokovia, Hydra's base was on top of a mountain, or rather it was the mountain itself, for around it they had built a rather impenetrable base that you wanted to access in order to get the Sceptre that you were unable to take from Loki at the time. Numerous clearly trained soldiers were trying to stop you in your tracks. Jarvis had informed you that the building was protected by an energy shield, which was against you as it was the most advanced technology you had seen in any Hydra base of operations.

"Loki's sceptre must be in there," Thor announced, as you guarded one of those soldiers under your body rendering him completely unconscious. "They couldn't have those defences without it."

You ran across the field trying to close the gap with Natasha, who was a few metres ahead of you, Clint following.

"Okay," you said staring at one of your targets and getting him to lower his gun to tackle him, "so what do we do?"

"Wait a second," Tony interjected. "No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said "language?"

"I know," Steve replied, making your eyes roll at the distraction they were causing in the middle of the mission.

The graze of bullets was almost audible through your body, it seemed to go on forever, you had been going on for hours and all you could manage to do was run into more troops sent by Hydra to hold you in that quadrant of the forest. Natasha was trying to get rid of two guys who had tackled her, you turned to her and stared at one of them but just as you were about to make the mental connection something that you barely noticed made you fall to the ground.

"What the hell?" you exclaimed getting up again and looking around you hoping to find the cause of it.

"We've got an upgrade," Steve informed you.

"Wait, you don't call her 'language'?" Tony complained at the situation. "Okay, I'll tell her. Language!"

At that instant a muffled shout from Clint sounded behind you.

"Clint!" Natasha had effectively freed herself from the two henchmen and you both headed towards Clint, who had been shot from a bunker. "Clint's hurt. Can someone take care of that bunker?"

As if Natasha's words were an order, Hulk appeared out of nowhere to overwhelm the small building and the soldiers inside. You stood up and turned your full attention to your surroundings while Nat continued to perform the necessary treatment to alleviate the blow that your companion had received.

"Clint is in bad shape, he needs to be evacuated," Nat reported over the transmitter, as Thor and the Captain instantly landed next to you. "I can take Barton to the Quinjet," Thor replied and focused his gaze on Steve. "The sooner we leave the better.

"Copy that," Steve replied for both of you, but at that moment he noticed your face.

"Roger that," Steve replied for both of you, but at that moment he noticed your face. "Are you all right?"

You nodded, returning to an introspective position beside Natasha.

On the ride home, silence flooded the Quinjet more than ever, the mission had finally succeeded but it wasn't really in the air, it wasn't felt inside any of you, even though Stark had proposed a victory party.

The following days nothing had gone as planned, the analysis of the sceptre that Stark and Banner had carried out, more than an analysis it was a reconfiguration of a network of neurons that they had found, in order to create an artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence that they used in Stark's secret 'peacekeeping' programme called Ultron, designed to allow the Iron Legion to operate independently. That brought some trouble, when at the end of the Party he showed up to personally attack you, well rather, the whole of humanity, as Ultron thinks the best way to save Earth is to eradicate humanity, he might be partly right.

"Ultron is gone," Banner's voice echoed within the four walls of the lab, "he has used the internet as an escape route."

"Ultron," you whispered to yourself, as one hand covered your face thoroughly.

"He's been all over. Files, surveillance," Natasha explained. "He knows more about us than we know about each other."

As the conversation continued to escalate, emotional energies radiated through the atmosphere, and you picked up on every one of them. Negativity, gathered together with worry, confusion and concern took over your body, you still felt a resentment from the attack you experienced three days ago in Sokovia, which managed to heighten each of the sensations. You closed your eyes as you hid your face with one hand and the other voices became ominous, frustrating your senses. Natasha was the only person who seemed to notice your situation, stopping the voices with a "guys", but just as they stopped, a small laugh from a completely distracted Tony typing on the computer made you burst.

"You think that's funny?" the hand hiding your face disappeared to give way to hard features and a raised, gruff tone of voice, Tony turned and looked at you a little quizzically, but you could see a hidden smile.

"No," he said indifferently. "It probably isn't, is it? This is terrible, it's so..." again his laughter tackled him, causing you to be completely confused and your frustration to grow. "I know. It's so terrible."

"It's just as terrible that you're taunting all of us right now with your fucking arrogance," you said approaching him.

"No," his tone unlike yours seemed pleasant and friendly, "It really is funny, just like it's funny that you don't understand why we need him," Tony closed the distance with you, positioning the two of you in the middle of the lab, his voice had completely changed it was just as gruff as yours.

"Tony, maybe this isn't the time," Bruce interjected in a melodic tone.

"So, a killer robot was what we needed?" you reproached, lifting your chin to position yourself against his height. "The shield that was supposed to free us from alien threats frees us by wiping out all of humanity, yeah, really brilliant."

"Remember I put a nuke through a wormhole?" he rebuked you, recalling for the umpteenth time that night the event in New York. "Tell me, how did you plan to win that? What was your damned solution to get rid of that damned hostile alien army that came through that wormhole in space?"

"Together," Steve interjected quickly, causing Tony to look away from you and back at Steve.

You made the air rush into your lungs offering you some relaxation, instigating your mind to let positive memories come to you. Your differences with Tony were known, your understanding of his views was limited, a fact that generated the occasional verbal conflict between the two of you, let's just say you couldn't stand each other more than you deserved.

The night was long, mostly because there was hardly any rest after planning what you were going to do to stop Ultron, which led you to South Africa.

"She should stay," Nat's whisper reached your ears. "The mission in Sokovia has left her with aftermath she has yet to overcome."

"Oh, last night was a aftermath?" Tony from the pilot's seat added to the conversation. "Nice."

"You know I'm here and I can hear you?" you asked without opening your eyes from your seat. "I'm coming down, worry about you guys that..."

"Okay, listen," Tony stood up from the command post. "I may regret saying this but I agree with her. I think you should stay here with Banner. Keep you two company. Get to know each other better. You know."

"Why don't you stay here, Tony, and get to know Banner better?" you opened your eyes and looked at Tony, but thought for a second. "Well, I'd better not, lest you get the bright idea to create Ultron's sister."

"He's an only child," Tony countered your irony.

"The roles are split," you added as a definitive point. "I'll take the girl, you take Ultron."

From a mountain fortress to a ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. You entered its interior, a quite feasible target, when in fact what you all feared lay within. Darkness fell over your pupils, the smell of dampness professed in every corner.

"You're with me, aftermath," reported a voice from behind a suit of armour. "Stay sharp, this guy is made by me."

The long corridors soon took you deep into the heart of the ship, they were as eager to run into you as you were to run into them, so it was only a couple of minutes before you were reunited in a vast maze of iron catwalks.

"Stark is a sickness!" exclaimed that robot called Ultron.

"Ahh, Junior," Tony posed in front of him and his two enhanced companions, "You're gonna break your old man's heart."

From that moment on things happened too fast for a clear description to be made. The corridors seemed to lengthen as you tried to keep that enhanced girl, Wanda, away from the others. She was powerful, trying to play with your mind and you with hers. It was a battle of mental endurance, if you could keep your mind blank and safe from all the negative things she was trying to make you see, you could keep going. It seemed doable, you seemed to have it under control, you had freed yourself from the transmitter that kept you in contact with the others to avoid any external distractions, but none of that was enough when a new enhancement came into play making you lose your balance completely, you felt the emptiness flooding you, as if your body was falling unchecked into the darkness.

A halo of light circled over your eyes making you recognise what was around you, you had escaped, you had fled from that ship thousands of miles in space and time. A figure that you recognised instantly was in front of you, smiling at you, raising her hand to caress your face, it was the figure of your mother, she was laughing, but with each laugh the atmosphere became darker. The main living room of your house appeared before your eyes, but it seemed totally neglected, the furniture was worn out, there was dust and mould in every corner, your mother was prostrate on the floor and a figure without a face was on top of her beating her, you heard the screams of a little girl, they were quite familiar, they were yours. That scene began to repeat itself over and over again, reliving your childhood, you fought to try to change it, but you had no control over it or over your mind at that moment, time after time the pain invaded you and although you tried to stop it, it became impossible again. You had entered a loop, you had lost track of time and space, you couldn't run away from it. Your own mind had become part of it.

Your ears only picked up your screams and those of your mother, you kept your eyes open but your vision was not able to see, you fell to your knees wherever you were in reality and you stayed there, until someone managed to locate you.

"I got her," as a faint whisper drifted into the scene you were living. "Okay. You're safe, I've got you."

As if you were again falling into the void your body rose into the air, and the darkness once again hovered over you, causing all your limbs and your brain to go into a deep, eternal sleep.

Without really knowing where you were, you could hear a faint hissing sound that came more and more strongly to your senses. Light broke through your eyelids, which were struggling against their will to open. Familiarity with the space made you realise where you were. The whistling sound was coming from the air hitting the Quinjet, for all was silent inside. You sat up slowly, the mental pain was suffocating, not only because of what you had seen and what you had been through, but because you could feel the same sensations all around you.

You sat up, covering your face with your hands and hiding it between your legs trying to pull yourself together, but at that moment you felt someone kneel down right in front of you and put a hand on the back of your neck.

"What can I do?" Tony's voice sounded cautious, but there was really little he could do in those few square metres of anguish, so you just shook your head. "Okay, look at me," you shook your head again not wanting to have direct access to any more emotions at the moment, "Look at me. Please."

Your breathing was rapid and your heart kept shrinking, causing a lump in your throat that almost prevented you from breathing. You couldn't extract everything you had inside you, nor could you find the calm you needed to let him go, you were afraid to look at him to interfere with his feelings and manipulate them by offering him yours, you were also afraid of acquiring his negative emotions and adding them to your own. But still you felt his hand go to your chin and he gently lifted it up to catch your face in his gaze.

"In a couple of hours we'll be in a shelter," his face was close, his fingers held firmly on your chin. "Do you think you'll be okay?"

A subtle nod is what you offered in reply, Tony nodded as well and took a seat right next to you after having moved closer to Barton.

"In a couple of hours we'll be in a shelter," his face was close, his fingers held firmly on your chin. "Do you think you'll be okay?"

A subtle nod is what you offered in reply, Tony nodded as well and took a seat right next to you after having moved closer to Barton. Those two hours seemed endless, you kept your hands pressed to your temple trying to forget what you had seen, but more so what you had felt. Tony, along with Barton were the only ones who had not suffered the effects of Wanda Maximoff's mind control on you on that occasion, it was evident from the physical and mental state of the other teammates.

Tony stayed by your side for the entire 120 minutes, worried and afraid that everything that had happened was his fault, and it was all coming back to you.

"Stop," you whispered trying to get Tony's attention.

"How?" he whispered and bent his face closer to yours, which was resting on your hands.

"Stop flogging yourself, I've had enough of the others," you pleaded a little rudely, unable to control yourself.

"I'm sorry," he placed his palm on your back, but an uncomfortable gesture from your shoulder caused him to remove it a second later. "I'm sorry."

A couple of hours later, the Quinjet took up position on a large greenish esplanade, the greenest thing your eyes had ever seen in your life. In the centre was a small cottage, cosy enough for anyone to see. Tony held you firmly, as it seemed that your body would fall if he let go. You went inside together, a hospitable warmth surrounded each of your limbs causing you to get some peace in you after hours.

Time seemed to have taken its toll on your senses, as you barely understood half of what was being said around you. But everything changed when two children entered, bringing joy and life to the room, it was the most comforting thing you had felt in weeks, the innocence that each of them possessed was like a breath of fresh air to you. You gently removed your arm from Tony's shoulders, murmuring "I'm feeling better," and he returned an "Okay" with a still worried look on his face. Actually Barton's idea of taking you there had been really successful for all of you, except for Thor who left, but for the rest of you it was something you'd never been able to contemplate in your lives, kind of like what it would be like to have a family.

Sunset was near and the view from that wooden porch surrounding the house was charmingly soothing.

"You look good," Tony appeared behind you with his hands in his pockets and perched next to you, leaning on the railing.

"Thank you," you said, looking back up at the grove of trees that loomed before your eyes. "And thanks for earlier."

" For what?" he asked with confusion in his voice.

"When you tried to reassure me on the Quinjet," you said without looking at him. "And... I think it was also you who took me back."

"Yep," Tony put his hand to the back of his neck and turned to you. "The truth is, that process would have been a lot more feasible if you hadn't gotten rid of the transmitter, it would have saved me a lot of time."

"I know," you ducked your face, but a small smile appeared on it.

"Do you want to talk?" Tony's voice seemed somewhat hesitant after stating the question.

"No," you shook your face, letting the last rays of sunlight fall on him. "Do you want to talk?"

"What do you feel?" he answered your question with another question, ignoring it completely. "What do you feel inside when you feel us?"

"I feel what other people are feeling," you explained, looking at him for the first time. "If I concentrate I can feel what you're feeling right now, or what Steve is feeling, or how the Hulk feels when he turns."

"How?"

That conversation you'd had on several occasions in your life, but at no point had you had it with Tony, you hadn't been close at any point, closeness you could find in Natasha or even Steve, but not in Tony, that's why that moment was peculiar, as well as comforting.

"It's easy when my emotions are in control," you turned your body towards him and leaned against the wooden railing. "I just have to look at my target and focus on how he feels, knowing that whatever is inside him I'm going to feel it too," you focused your gaze on Tony's eyes, "for instance, right now you're remorseful about what happened with Ultron, but you also feel misunderstood because no one understands your point of view, you're also melancholy about being in this place, a little envious about discovering the life that Barton has, and..." you paused slightly as you discovered one of his feelings, but you chose to ignore it, as he seemed to be really nervous about the process of analysis he was undergoing, "embarrassed because right now I'm feeling the same way you are.”

You offered him a slight smile, which he himself returned a little nervously at the exposition you had offered him, Tony was a very rigorous person when expressing himself and this had completely thrown him off.

"That..." he put one hand nervously to the back of his neck while the other was hidden in his trouser pocket. "Great, I guess it's nice to know I'm not empty. But well, we'd better keep this between us."

"Of course," for the first time you felt a little satisfied with your task just done, it was nice to see that this person could shed his pride on several occasions.

"Well, I'd better go and help Rogers chop wood," he said, standing up beside you and scratching the bridge of his nose.

" Yes, he certainly looks like he could use your help," you commented wryly as Steve had little difficulty chopping wood in one fell swoop.

"Yeah," he shoved his hands in his pockets and slipped out of the place as quickly as possible.

Within a minute you could feel him perch next to you again, leaning his body on the railing and looking at you.

"That's all you found?" he asked with a frown and gesturing nimbly with his hand, a gesture that denoted nervousness. "I mean, there was nothing else."

"What do you mean?" you frowned as he did, looking completely puzzled, since you already knew what he meant.

"Well..." he scratched the back of his neck again, "Do you usually do this to me? I mean, have you ever gone inside my head before to see how I'm feeling or have you only done it this once? Is it usual?"

"Do you really think I want to know what you keep in your head Tony?" you asked holding back a laugh at his reaction.

"Okay," he gave a long nod biting the inside of his lip. "And there was nothing else you said?"

"Do you want me to try again? Maybe I can find something else," you offered humbly, knowing what he wanted.

"No, it's... all right," his words were accompanied with a step back, putting distance between you and him. "It's all right. I'm... going to go help Cap."

"Okay," you bit your lower lip as you watched him disappear behind you again. behind you again.

You watched as Tony walked over to Steve's pile of firewood and picked up an axe to imitate his movements. You remained in your position, keeping your gaze lost in that grove of trees that made you feel so calm, but it was very easy to catch Tony's gaze watching you from his position. He knew that you had felt it, because perhaps it was one of the emotions that was strongest inside him at that moment, but evidently you didn't want to expose it out loud, and let him know that you had discovered it. Yet there it was, and it was going to take you too long to forget that feeling, because it felt too good to let it go.

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