#i want him to experience that catharsis SO BADLY

[artbyblastweave]

“On the one hand, my quest for revenge on the despot who destroyed my idyllic hometown bottomed out when I finally got him at my mercy and realized that his own horrific life circumstances had left him a bitter, unsatisfied shell of a person and that killing him could bring no plausible catharsis, only pointlessly adding another body to a growing stack. On the other hand, my initial impulse to seek revenge directly resulted in my piecemeal accruement of a found family with whom I found a positive feedback loop of character growth and moral maturation, which was in large part what made it possible for me to envision a life outside the narrow dictates of my shortsighted revenge quest. Also, we toppled a tyrannical government and ran every errand on this half of the continent. Honestly there are a lot of second-and-third-order positive effects of how badly I used to want to kill that guy. And obviously I’m a consequentialist now, since I didn’t kill that guy, so obviously I’d like to preserve those effects if at all possible. So I guess if I was to generalize from this whole experience, I’d say that we need to institutionally cultivate the impulse to seek violent revenge on wrongdoers, I mean it really gets you off your ass, but we also have to cultivating and elide the secret, load-bearing expectation that you should call it off at the very last second. We might need to train a whole secret corps of sleeper found family members, to inject themselves into organically forming epic revenge quest parties, prime the soil, so to speak, subtly draw the revenge party’s attention to, like, the material causes at the root of human of evil, or stuff like that, put the brakes on the pain train juuuuust enough to get us back in that sweet sp- fuck. Someone already had this idea, didn’t they. That’s what this whole thing was. This thing we just did. Fuck. I was going to make a fucking fortune franchising this. Fuck”

#shitpost #microfiction #my writing #tropes

[lychniis]

tagged by @pearlsxandxpeonies on my main ( @ainescribe ) to share my wip folder!!! which is *laughs nervously* kind of maybe full of a whole lot of abandoned works but okay kijhgvfbghnjmk.

rules: post the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! tag as many people as you have wips!

GENSHIN IMPACT —

memory ( zhongli x reader ) ;

this project was written then rewritten so many times it may as well be a meme. the premise of this one is the reader being a god birthed from a human, who is sustained by the faith and belief. however, due to some mishaps in their early days. they've been cursed to be forgotten. i was heavily inspired by noragami in how yato struggled to be remembered by people around him to stop himself from fading out of existance. // angst, hurt - no comfort, chaptered fic.

in the sky, on the earth ( zhongli x reader ) ;

a oneshot ( a long long oneshot ) about zhongli meeting a khaenri'ahn doctor and falling in love. once more, we fall into angst territory because i like making people cry apparently. this is kind of based off of one of my oc's, one silentmoth and i keep yammering about ( we have pour own little found family scenario involved as well - it's fun kijhbgvbhnj ). // angst, hurt - comfort, eventual happy ending, oneshot.

the earth, encased ( zhongli x reader ) ;

this one is zhongli grappling on your mortality ( yay ) after a near death experience grants you a vision. and it's geo. and he's having a crisis. // angst, hurt - comfort, near character death, lots og hugs, oneshot.

sehnsucht, or the taste of longing ( diluc x reader ) ;

and old old concept i want to revisit. set during the three year period in which diluc was investigating the fatui, he poses as a fatui recruit and marries the reader, a snezhnyayan citizen and a double agent who works alongside him. its mostly marriage of convenience, blossoming feelings and diluc and the reader being sneaky sneaks while they fall in love. // angst, fluff, slightly domestic, arranged marriage. oneshot.

arare litus ( neuvillette x reader ) ;

a mermaid is washed ashore and nevullette finds kinship in them. but there are murders going on, the reader learns how to human ( very little mermaid esque ) and pretty soon the killer is kind of revealed to be an unexpected face. this fic took a darker turn when it was supposed to be fluffy. i had crys screaming in my dm's it was a doozy and i loved it XD. // fluff, smut, oneshot.

HONKAI : STAR RAIL —

and this all consuming hunger ( jing yuan x reader ) ;

a guideverse fic featuring a sentinel jing yuan and a guide reader. it touches on touchstarvation, mortality and loneliness and i lowkey a catharsis in a sense. it's very self indulgent, everyone is tired and needs a hug. // hurt - comfort, fluff, oneshot.

from a warm climate ( jing yuan x reader ) ;

a bit of an au fic with a small dash of ancient magus bride. jing yuan is a retired warrior and a pathstrider who works in a society where magic is urbanized yet practiced on the downlow. he finds the reader, a kinnara who was abducted by hunters and managed to escape badly wounded. they can't quite bounce just yet due to having their veena, a sentimental object and a source for their use of magic, taken away as well and seeks to find it out. jing yuan just accepts it lol. it's mostly domestic, with found family elements to it. // angst, fluff. hurt - comfort, found family, chaptered fic.

like real people do ( jing yuan x reader ) ;

kjhgfdcfvghj this is also a wip in my folders for a while now. but in short. the reader was once a follower of the abundance and now seeks to live a normal life post lan lux - arrowing their planet apart. contrasted with memory ! reader who wants ti keep living, this one wants to live a good life and die a peaceful death. the ending is flat out tragic. do not touch if you hate angst. // angst, hurt-comfort, no happy endings lol, still debating on chaptered or oneshot.

it will come back ( blade x reader ) ;

the premise is blade finding the reader who runs a clinic on a planet overrun by shady businesses and crime. their meet cute is basically them driving a scalpel into his medulla and killing him. blade in turn just...keeps coming back lol. i really need to stop wolfing on hozier songs for my titles but then again most of his tunes serve inspiration kjhbgvbnj. it might contain mature content. i'm still mulling over it. // slight yandere??? idk, violence, blade is a walking red flag and a sad sad man.

tagging — @crystalflygeo @perpetualcynicism @euniveve @moraxsthrone @masuchu @silentmoths @silkjade @thesparklingwriter

feel free to join in, whether you are tagged or not! thanks for giving me this chance!

#tag games ;

[tleeaves]

what did cassie get wrong w Jem iyo? like to me he’s very proud and stubborn in an Asian way (it’s hard to explain but there’s something very chinese about it, culturally, how he’s optimistic and dramatic in equal parts but needs to be seen as separate from his illness so badly) and very conscious of the value of life yet resigned to his own fate yet holding his head up the way people in inspiration porn do (but it’s from a place of wanting to be normal, wanting to fit in and live and have meaning and love and responsibility in his life like a teenager). I’m curious though how could his character have popped more? and what does not seem realistic?? actual so curious

Okay love, bear with me, I'm just going to go on a bit of a ramble. I haven't put a lot of thought into my answer so it may be a bit incoherent.

So, as context for anyone else, I mentioned in another post where I was examining chronic pain and illness in fiction using TSC characters that I felt that while Jem was done quite well (he means a lot to me as a character and I relate to him like I haven't been able to with other characters before), there were some missed opportunities for his character to really pop and some things I felt Cassie didn't really do realistically.

Honestly, I think the two kind of tie together. While my illness is not terminal, there were many times I either wished for death or wished to live a fuller life unhampered by the pain and sickness. This still happens sometimes, but more of the latter. It's hard to look at healthy, able-bodied people. I marvel at just... how much easier existence must be for them. And I wish we saw more of this perspective with Jem.

While we do see him having a crisis over feeling like he's only half-living, half a man, and so he must take more yin-fen to be his full self for Tessa (this really hit hard as someone who was on steroids and felt unshackled for the first time in years, only for the pain to come back again and trip me up again sometime after I had stopped taking the meds), I also feel that we didn't quite reach a catharsis or angst that truly would have rounded his experience as a character. Optimism, pride, stubbornness, and his own subtler dramatics all do come into this, but I really would have liked to see a moment of weakness.

I think that night when he first kisses Tessa and is ranting about how she acts like a nurse and as if he is her patient, that he knows she cannot even see him as a full man, one who might desire her -- that was good. That was a moment of weakness. Emphasised when he sent her away because he did not want her to see him on his knees dusting up the drugs that give him life. That was so frickin' YES. I cannot even tell you the amount of times I feared as a teenager and even now into adulthood that I will not be seen romantically because I am just someone to take care of, a liability, and I try so hard to compensate for that to not be a burden, because I need to be seen as a "full person" to anyone able-bodied. This was just chef's kiss fantastic as a demonstration of something Cassie did so, so right to me with Jem. It's a common insecurity but not to be overlooked. For Jem it is his weakness and shorter life span, for me it's physical disfigurement (so far it's just one funky collarbone) that may worsen with age and limited physical ability (I say it so many times, but it really haunts me that I turned down a dance offered by a guy I had a major crush on because I was in too much pain to move much let alone dance, and the fact that many people avoided me when I was in my worst bouts of pain because they didn't know what to do).

Anyway, that was an example of something Cassie did right. What I would have also liked to see though is a moment where Jem is not calm and it has nothing to do with Tessa (well, it's at least not centred around Tessa). For a long time, I just wanted the pain to end. I had made peace with death because I wished for it. And there was a calmness to it. The same everyone sees in Jem. Acceptance. He argues not willingness because he fights for every second of life he gets to spend with those he loves, but I really think what would have popped is seeing him realise how much he wants for there to be a cure. He does give everyone permission to look before he calls it off to take the last resort option he never wanted before to be a Silent Brother, but I wanted to see him break down -- even if it's in private because most of our battles are when you're chronically ill -- and realise he wants to live because there is so much more he wants.

I know it's seen as very cool to accept a death that's coming to you in a lot of media, but honestly once I got past wishing for it, I became so absolutely terrified of it. The idea of losing control over my body, of my joints being too stiff and painful to create or do simple tasks, and the idea of any of my chronic illnesses being severe enough to become what might kill me in the end, before my time, scares me so much. There is a frantic need in me to do and see everything before I am unable to. I feel like I am constantly in a rush for everything in life.

It's basically rule of thumb in writing that a character who is calm needs a scene where they are not calm, when they snap, when the unthinkable happens, where the unshakeable are suddenly shook, and I needed that deep, deep terror in Jem to be about him, and not just Tessa or the people he's leaving behind that he does not want to cause grief for.

Not every person who can "put up" with their chronic illness is a saint with infinite patience. I see this a lot. To me it feels unrealistic that Jem feels okay about his illness, about his impending death, about all of it, that the only thing he might feel bad about is making his bride a widow too soon and leaving his best friend who might not cope without him. This is more of a typical trope in media, and by god do I just want to see someone else who isn't me go through what I do and also scream and cry at the injustice of it all. We didn't choose this life, it was given to us, and it feels so unfair. It is rare that I ever break down right in front of a person, I've gotten good at the detachment when talking about my chronic illnesses, but in private it is a whole other monster.

Not only that, but the Jem we see post-Brotherhood is so... different. Granted he had over 100 years to come to terms with no longer dying too early or being ill and weak. But chronic illness really takes its toll on a person. You don't have to make their whole personality their illness, I think we'd all rather not, but there is a fear that every little health problem might be something worse, there is even a begrudgement of those who take their bodies for granted, the fear that your children might inherit your weaknesses and that maybe you have sentenced them to a life of pain like yours was/is, that one day the chronic illness will come back and you've only got so many healthy years left before you get old and start to lose your body all over again.

For every moment of optimism and hope, there are hidden moments of despair and fight and pain. Sometimes we have to claw and bleed for that ounce of hope, for the strength to act "normal" and fit in and not be a downer around everyone else. As restless as you can be, sometimes you just want to sleep it off, even though you know this illness isn't something you can sleep off. I would have liked to see more of that with Jem.

Again, what Cassie did was really good, and I appreciate Jem so much since I have not seen many other chronically ill characters who I relate to in fiction. I just felt some things could have added to his story and character.

#that got so seriously rambly I barely knew what I was saying half the time #anyway I finally answered so sorry for the wait #jem carstairs #chronic illness #chronic pain

[pmk-love]

Continuing with the Peacemaker Kurogane re-read...and getting in a potentially heated topic.

The more I read into Hijikata and Okita’s relationship, the more complex it becomes to me. They deeply care about each other and know each other pretty well, but their relationship is also colored by need of validation from Okita’s part and regrets and guilt from Hijikata’s. In some aspects, their relationship is heartbreaking and heartwarming, and in another...sorta fucked up.

We know from the Hino extras that Souji had an inferiority complex ever since he was a child due that he was born later instead of being the first child of his family, he was still so little when his father died and thus couldn’t carry his family status. This fueled lots of insecurities and feelings of worthlessness in young Souji, and Hijikata gave him a purpose by giving him a sword - which ended in Souji’s first kill at the tender age of 9, a traumatic experience without doubt - and telling him he’ll need his strength and to be at his side. Souji finally earned the validation he so seeked, but it came to the price of tarnishing his hands at a very young age, which made him feel “dirty”, however, he kept killing to be a support for both Kondou and Hijikata, the two people he loved the most and to whom he became most devoted. And when he contracted TB and started to get weak, his insecurities appeared again - if he wasn’t strong, then he’ll be useless and be discarded. That’s why his plea in chapter 46 is so heartbreaking: beneath his smile, Souji was suffering a lot.

Hijikata was a headstrong teenager - only 17 - when those events between him and Souji transpired, so it wasn’t until he grew older that he realized how badly he fucked up and so he came to feel lots of guilt and regrets when it came to Souji. That’s the reason why he was so hesitant to give Tetsunosuke a sword despite being 15, because he didn’t wanted Tetsu to go through the same path as Souji did. Later when Souji contracted TB it was a hard slap in the face given that both his mother and older sister died because the disease when he was a little boy, and his regrets increased. That’s why chapter 46 in a way, was the necessary catharsis for both of them: Hijikata finally could tell Souji how much he meant to him, that only by being alive it was enough for him, and Souji felt safe and assured that Hijikata truly cared for him, not because his skills as a warrior, but as him, as Souji, Soujirou. And that was enough for him as well. Later, Souji wrote a letter to Hijikata that was delivered after his death where he told him to live, thus coming to full circle.

I think they have one of the most complex relationships in the series. It’s a relationship where there’s mutual caring and love but also a bit clouded by regrets, guilt and need of validation that at the end it was resolved by a heartwarming embrace where they finally could vent their actual feelings to each other, and how they wanted each other to live. Thanks to it, it helped Souji to partly resignate himself to his death - even if sadly we saw in his last moments that he DIDN’T wanted to die - and it helped Hijikata to finally be at peace with himself when it came to Souji, giving him another reason to stand up on his feet, knowing that both Kondou and Souji would be watching over him as well.

#peacemaker kurogane #okita souji #hijikata toshizou #pmk meta #i realized i never wrote anything about these two #their relationship is pretty heartbreaking and yet heartwarming at the same time

[daisys-gard3n]

i want to introduce jonathan to vibrators

like get him a small vibe, or a wand that can be used on many body parts, or maybe a vibrating fleshlight thing.

i want to see him combust

Oh, Jonathan has no clue about anything about vibrators or sex toys in general...He'll oh-so innocently put his trust in you and expect just an informational lesson...Not realizing that he'll get hands on experience instead.

imagine such a big and strong man like Jonathan at your mercy, sitting next to him as you turned up a remote to make the vibrating cockring turn up. His hands gripping onto the sheets of the bed and onto you at the same time as he whimpered and squirmed at the strange new feeling. You could be multitasking too, a multipurpose wand dragging down his chest and teasing at his nipples while his cock leaked an impressive amount of precum and dripped down the shaft. Jonathan's mouth agape and drool starting to slowly leak from the corners as he looked to you with bleary eyes as he whimpered and begged to you softly about how this was too much, how he wanted to be inside of you so badly. Maybe you can tease him by taking that wand and vibrating it against his balls, he'll let out such a loud moan and let out a string of begs.

It didn't take long for him to become a mess - the head of his cock bright red and the underside of it with a river of precum dripping down to his balls, his toes curling as he continued to squirm and grip onto anything he could for some kind of grounding, his head tossed a back in some instances or his eyes rolling back as his mouth just let out a beautiful song of moans and begs of wanting to cum or to please you in return. Such a giant man was brought to a mess with just some vibrators, oh and when you finally let him cum. Slipping the ring off of his cock. Maybe being more courteous and giving his cock a couple of pumps before ropes of his thick white cum spewed out, coating some of your hand and onto his lower abdomen as Jonathan gasped out and was stunned from how long he kept that in, the catharsis of finally cumming. Once you give him a couple of seconds to regain his consciousness, Jonathan will drag you down for a hot and messy kiss - he's just so full of love and needs you right now.

He wants to try on you next since you made him experience such a heaven.

#jonathan joestar #not sfw #jjba confessions #gn reader

[ssreeder]

SREEDIE MY GORGEOUS EX-WUSBAND

(this one is possibly my longest comment ever so uhh good luck)

no fr I saw the update I was like fucking FINALLY I’m getting some good enrichment in my enclosure how do you always have perfect timing???

and just like.. 30k?? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY ALREADY WTF you’re honestly insane ilysm

fuck you I don’t love you “zuko didn’t return that night” looking ass >:(

okay ik this is a sad emotional scene but the spirits not giving a fuck about sokka is like so ironic lmao bc in the show they never leave him alone even tho he tries to avoid them at all costs T-T

bruh not sokka thinking hakoda is annoying for breathing- he’s finally experiencing a normal teenager experience :’)

oh nooooo sokka if you tell hakoda you’re in love with zuko and hakoda reacts badly fuuuuuuck

YES SOKKA SOB OUT THE SADNESS EXPERIENCE SOME CATHARSIS BESTIE WOOOO

hakoda said toxic masculinity get rekt that’s so girlboss of him

THANK YOU BATO FOR BEARING THE BRUNT IF HAKODAS ACCIDENTAL HOMOPHOBIA SO SOKKA DOESNT HAVE TO SUFFER ANY MORE THAN HE ALREADY HAS YOURE DOING THE LORDS WORK TRULY

idk how you intended this to be read but I’m picturing hakoda saying “no.. not the watch tower” like this:

but also not hakoda doing reconnaissance on zukka-

yes sokka when it’s a question of how information gets spread the answer is always fucking reho (and I love him for that how else is anyone supposed to get anything done with everyone else being too emotionally constipated to talk to each other)

I cannot express to you how fucking frustrated I am by the communication being compromised bc of the fucking dai li bc ykw??? it’s such an incredible plot point by you since it is 100% in character for the dai li to interrupt messages bUT I HATE IT SO MUCH I’m literally going to have the time of my life when Somebody finally gets a clue about what’s going on

lmao katara something really did happen after you left but lucky for you it was a good thing!! and a bad thing bc everything always goes to shit but oh wellllll

katara you moron why did you tell them you’re leaving T-T

uh yeah no I can promise you jet is anything BUT bored jet is scheming jet is raging jet is challenging firebenders to duals he can’t win JET IS MAKING FRIENDS (well one friend and he doesn’t want to admit they’re friends but reho still counts)

oh fuck. jet you’ve really done it now.

BUT ALSO I FUCKING CALLED IT I KNEW ZUKO WOULD LEAVE JUST IN TIME IM SCREAMING THE STARS ARE ALIGNING THE PLOT US UNFOLDING THE DAI LIS PLANS ARE RUINED

oh hakoda I love how smart you are we really need a good tactician and here you are saving the day <3

also quon is a fuckinf asshole I hope he gets decked at some point xx (but it’s kinda a slay too that he just has so much audacity like it’s honestly lowkey impressive ngl)

yes bato act dumb and pretty we fully support lying and trickery in this household

also I’m placing my bets on zuko returning at the most inconvenient time in the most dramatic way possible fyi (and I’m going to eat it up bc I live for dramatic zuko)

uh yeah jet bby you’re definitely ashamed of what you did hate to break it to you HOWEVER I really do get why jet did do what he did bc he’s traumatised and also a teenager and so he was never going to think maturely and rationally (which like yes obvi that means he caused the problem BUT ALSO it’s not his fault he’s problematic) I just really need him to get some therapy dude

OKAY can I just say I love you showing toph as being affectionate outside of playful physical aggression?? it’s been ages since I’ve read a fic where toph has shown some form of affection that hasn’t been a punch in the arm! and I feel like that’s so important bc in the show most of the female characters are insanely talented in the art of combat and so often they then get reduce to Just being aggressive (like toph) or being overly emotional (like katara which is super ironic considering the ember island players tragic performance and how that was supposed to actively argue against katara being so one dimensional) WHEN REALLY they ARE BOTH tough and have feelings bc they’re literally human beings

yeah I have many opinions oops

I FEEL SO VINDICATED I LOVE YOU KATARA AND YOUR BIG SMART BRAIN she’s such a good actor my heart is squeezing in satisfaction oh lordy

shit. appa. fuck. goddamnit. REALLY?

omg this is so not gonna happen but imagine if zuko turned up in ba sing se and then all communication Issues are solved and he can help find appa like in the show :D

well not all communication issues but a fuck ton of them

YES RASU he’s such an icon I actually love him with my whole entire heart my flirty baby boy

lmao zuko had a crush on rasu

same.

shit. idk why but it’s so jarring to have be explicitly said that zukos death (even tho it’s fake news) is a casualty of war. like OBVIOUSLY but to have it put so bluntly is like damn. it’s like as a casualty of war, it matters fuck all that he was a prince or why he was hunting the avatar and everything that made (makes) him integral to the war effort bc in reality he really just is another kid who died in the war. and then THAT just makes you think, yeah he’s not all that special because the horrific reality is that so many people were casualties of the war and while they’re anonymous numbers on a large scale, in life they Mattered and now it’s all for naught. jesus crispy sreedie you’ve really got me grieving

FUCK YEHA QUON IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HES DISMISSING JETS INTEL ALL BY HIMSELF THIS IS A WIN TEAM

sokkaaaa now is not the time to be bad at readying facial cues T-T

aang has so much more emotional maturity than people give him credit for fr. like there’s no way in hell I would’ve been able to regulate my emotions half as well as aang when I was 12 even WITHOUT factoring in the genocide of his nation

holy shit reho DESERVES SO MUCH FUCKING LOVE I WILL PERSONALLY FIGHT EVERYONE WHO DARES TO INSULT HIM AFTER THIS

also he’s so fucking wise “evil people don’t only belong to one nation, they are everywhere” LIKE PREACH they really fucking are war provides a platform for the worst people to shine

real talk if shen dies I’m gonna be devastated

ohoho nice like fic name drop right here

omg not zuko popping up at the MOST convenient time in the least dramatic way possible??? shocked but also not surprised bc it’s making perfect sense narrative wise

wheezing at zuko being consistently unpredictable bc ykw the only reason nobody can figure out what he’s planning is bc my boy simply does not have one!! ever!! and it’s legend behaviour actually I think it might be the reason he’s my fav character

okay okay okay at least sokka and zuko have bato with them for child wrangling purposes bc they need an adult. but oh no hakoda is aloooone

zuko you dumbass motherfucker did you just SURRENDER YOURSELF

ykw I take back what I said about him never having a plan being my fav thing about him I have come to my senses and have reconsidered.

ZUKKA KISS??? it’s tragic.

it’s so fucked up that ara and sokka are gonna become friends again bc their bfs got taken hostage but I’m here for it

HOLY FUCK SHIT YEAH SUKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

MAI AND TY-LEE OMG MY GIRLS ALL MY GIRLS ARE COMING ITS HAPPENING ITS NOT A DRILL OMG SREEDIE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND IM GOING FERAL

A Z U L A

okay so obviously appa is under lake lagoli right

and yes I’m very relieved that shen and zuko are together at least BC NOW WE CAN GET SOME MORE QUALITY BANTER AND THATS ENOUGH COMPENSATION FOR THE TRAUMA RIGHT

RIGHT??

reunion soon :3

anyways why did I think this would actually end okay with zukka and bato off frolicking to ba sing se?? how am I that delusional?? it’s like I don’t know you

I HOPE YOU TAKE A REFRESHING NAP AND RECOVER FROM THIS DOOZY OF A FINALE BUT ALSO I AM WAITING IN ANXIOUS ANTICIPATION FOR THE NEXT BOOK ITS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST AND MOST HORRIFIC JOURNEY TO A ZUKKA REUNION EVER AND I CANNOT WAIT also bc you don’t write zuko pov that means we’re gonna get a lot more shen pov?? which I think will be really fun so that’s exciting too

LOVE YOU TO BITS AND PIECES

leekie <3

OH MY GOSH, if you keep flirting with me we might just have to tear up our divorce papers and move in together.

Hahah Hakoda’s reaction to the watchtower is exactly how I envisioned it. Sarcastic & pretend shock lol.

Katara’s honesty is finally catching up with her, getting her in trouble with the Dai Li that is. But she is a strong girl and she can hold her own, I know she’ll be ok!

Ok I love that you brought up toph because sometimes I feel like fics make her out to be a lie detecting, punching, sarcastic person and just leave it at that. But she is so much more than that, all the female characters are! I hope I can do them justice.

Zuko does have a plan!!! “Don’t let Sokka get hurt” - that’s it, that’s the plan. Haha.

I hope Shen doesn’t die… but also, I can’t make any promises.

SUKI IS ON THE WAY TO HELP SOKKA!!! & azula is on the way to bomb him lol.

Im sure it’ll be fine, I love you! You’re amazing. But I also hate you because we are divorced and GRRRRRRR, but secretly we’re still hooking up and it pretty obvious but shhhh don’t tell anyone. ;)

:D

#I’m sorry I didn’t respond to every point #but I picked my favorites #Shen is a dick #but we do get more of him in the next series #super excited to get that part going #I mean I have #but we are SO CLOSE to the reunions #it’s scary haha #I love you leekie #I’m happy you liked the last part #& ahhhhh your brain is so beautiful #I wanna pop open your skull and kiss your brain #keep being you #even if we aren’t married anymore #we are still in love #we both know it #MWAH MWAH MWAHHHHH #don’t be a stranger #come back soon #*waits patiently* #leekie tag #leekie my ex wife #or… ex…. husband? #I’m not sure our gender roles #liab #ria #ask

[the-gift-of-submission]

Inside a Submissives Soul -

Dear Diary -

This weekend is going to be a local spent weekend and a relatively relaxed one hopefully. He picks me up after I've gotten home to get ready, I always pack the night before so it is just a quick shower and get ready. We order a pizza to collect after picking a few bits of shopping to have some meals in the van over the weekend. On collecting our pizza, we head to the canal to get parked up and settled for the night. He sets out the table top, we sit, chat and munch through our dinner. We talk about alsort, experiences, food and drink, general conversation etc. Once we have eaten and cleared away we get snug to chill and chat a little while longer

The first day of the weekend, my family want some time at a cocktail bar in the city so we have a lazy morning. We have some play, my lips, his member, his fingers between my legs. We get ready, mainly in the van however I am able to use my family's house to wash dry and style my hair. It's fairly cold out so we are dressed fairly casual to be comfortable but still nice enough to look pretty. He approves of me. Today he meets my family, he is ever so good with them as they are him too. I'm happy to see this, I'm glad things go well and we all have a great time. After several drinks, lot of chit chat and giggles, we head back to our home time. We used the bus too and from the city as it's easier, walked back to my families house, had a warm drink made and then headed back to the van to settle for the night. Despite a nice night, he is fairly low, I understand and we snuggle close until he sleeps then I fall sleep knowing he has drifted.

In the morning I am greeted with his hands over me to him wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in close, his lips meet my lips, we kiss. I love waking up next to him, I can't wait for the day it becomes permanent and we are slowly working towards that. His Sunday morning b***j** is something not only he enjoys but something I very much enjoy too. In my position, side on to him, he is able to reach under and feel between my legs. It isn't long before I am able to reach climax, I often do whilst sucking him, something about the oral excites me greatly and under the right conditions, I will release in using my mouth on him. He bulges and releases himself, his warm drink filling my throat for a chilly morning. So very yum.

After getting up and sorted, we moved on to get a bacon sandwich and a warm cup of tea and coffee. We didn't have much planned, we went for a drive and thought about somewhere to have food. As we arrived at a place that would be nice to try, he was low already and I felt myself fill with so much anxiety I started to have a panic attack. Filled with so much worry, fear and uncertainty about what is happening from one day to the next, I couldn't control my emotions and I became angry, almost lashing out at him, I contained myself as much as I felt I could but I wanted to take it out in myself. I always end up attacking myself, I don't want to lash out on those I love. He tried to comfort me, I tried to help me rationalise, more than anything, he stayed with me.

He had sat beside me for some time as I went through the anxiety attack, he got out and came around to me on the passenger side and pulled me in to hold me tight. I cried, cried some more. I hate feeling like this and it isn't fair on him either. As I calmed he settled me into my seat again and returned to his side to drive us back to the canal where we were able to sit and snuggle. As we spent time close to one another, he and I just being together was enough. He began to tease me with his fingers, which lead me to wanting more, I always want more but he resisted. I took this badly and went into Catharsis after being high from him using his fingers. I felt so rejected even though he wasn't trying to reject me.

There is so much going on in my head, in his head. I cried again and cried some more. He held me, I held him and we held eachother tightly. He talks to me through my troubled internal conflict and eventually I settle but we are to end our weekend again on what feels like a low because I can't cope and neither can he. We do our best to stay strong, wipe away eachothers tears and head back to our reality yet again.

We met again midweek, both of us feeling low. We haven't played much recently in b.d.s.m and kink terms, dont get me wrong, the traits are always there when we are intimate, the Dominant in him is always there, he is just softer, sensual and gentler more often than not at present. He isn't one to pose as an Alpha, he is simply Dominant and knows how to behave appropriately as such. He is also able to facilitate things that may not be something that he enjoys but he is happy to accommodate under the right circumstances. My submissive nature is always there too, always following his lead, listening for his request, suggestion, instruction, order etc. I am always wanting to be presentable and open to him. I am very much exploring various parts of my submissive nature and what it means for me but I also know I have a very long way to go before I potentially figure myself out, if I ever do figure myself out.

We spend quality time together, going out and about, wandering having mini adventures which I love immensely. Any time with him is time more than just well spent. We are intimate almost always, not just on a sexual level but in the way we are close, always making contact in some way. It's what I need, what I want and it very much seems the same for him too. The connection, the chemistry is strong between us, our passion is powerfully uniting. I am incredibly lucky to have him here with me. We will get past the hurt, our inner turmoil and despair will fade in time, one day, we will just have eachother, nothing else will matter.

[sepublic]

Happy Birthday to The Owl House!

           Honestly, I’m… REALLY shocked to think back on how it’s been a year? It’s been a full, actual year, since that first episode?

           I remember when The Owl House was first announced around early 2018. Something about it, the premise, the characters from that one poster we got; It really drew me in, and I kept track of the show’s progress in eager anticipation. Whenever Dana released art of Luz, Eda, and King, I was ecstatic- And when the show was delayed to 2020, I was dismayed.

           Then we got our teaser trailer; The opening them, the end credits, even a little sneak peek! I remember speculating a lot about Luz and all of the other new characters we were introduced to, such as Willow, Amity, and Gus- And then we got more and more trailers in the days leading up to the show. I wondered about Luz’s home back on Earth and where her family was, I listened intently to the Hooty and the Parliament music video, finding an almost melancholic, weirdly nostalgic (despite having never watched the show yet) vibe to it- Whilst also avoiding looking at the screen and seeing all of the various clips it offered, because I wanted to be surprised! It was two years of anticipation, two years of wait for this show- I’d never looked forward to a series before like this, last I can recall… So having this content FINALLY come out, seeing these characters in animation, hearing their wonderful voices! My soul was vibing, it was time, it was coming after all this time…!

          Eventually I finished Infinity Train Book 2, the same day that The Owl House premiered… I was blindsided when I woke up to the first episode’s release online, in full- I was already planning to wait until later to watch it on television, so having it permanently accessible from the internet was such a pleasant surprise! And the show… The show, man- That premiere caught me off-guard with how much I enjoyed it! I knew I was looking forward to this show, but still…! It blew away my expectations, and even now, has continued to; It was like my personal investment and attention had paid off so patiently well! I even got a DisneyNOW subscription so I could watch each new episode ASAP, the day it premiered, hours before it aired on television!

           I remember scouring Tumblr before the show officially premiered, and there was understandably very little- A few pieces of fanart here or there. And when the show DID premiere, for a while there wasn’t really much of a fandom- There was barely anyone, in fact! But I can remember a few notable blogs who have been around since the beginning… Me, I got invested into this show. I found myself really enjoying Lumity as a ship, especially since I resonated with both characters in it; Luz was such a ball of sunshine that brightened my day, and Amity really spoke to me with her more introverted, top-scoring personality. When the show hit its mid-season hiatus, I remember not handling it too well, as I got impatient and frantic in my speculations- I wanted so badly to learn more about these characters, see what happened- Get a look at Emperor Belos (then known as Bellows by the fandom), etc.

          I wrote my Bile Coven piece in preparation for Halloween, even got to know a mutual or two over shared theorizing! I kept track of Dana’s updates, and even had people come to my blog, of all places, to send asks! It was and still has been such an engaging part of fandom for me… I recall impatiently waiting for the Owl Pellet shorts and freaking out over them- And when Adventures in the Elements leaked early? I LOST MY MIND, I remember postponing something I was supposed to go to, just so I could watch the episode- And it was so good! Then I started wondering and hoping the rest of Season 1 would come out, and well- It took a while…

          And when Season 1B’s trailer came out, I was all over it; Scouring every possible frame, freaking out over the Grom screenshot, and appreciating the influx of new fans! It was amazing to watch The Owl House go from a relatively minor and obscure fandom, to becoming so much more mainstream and populous! I got into Rebecca Rose’s channel, I began writing more meta and posts about the show, as well as little recaps for each new episode. I feel like my blog really took off from here, as I got to interact with more and more people who shared this mutual love of The Owl House, and I was so ecstatic to see more content and buzz about it!

           My mind was solely focused on The Owl House, it was one of my huge hyperfixations, even moreso than during Season 1A’s run- I remember being anxious about Enchanting Grom Fright, wondering if we’d get queerbaited… But NO, Amity was in love with Luz! She canonically had a crush on her, a girl in love with another girl- And I loved it because Lumity was a special comfort ship of mine! Then Amity was confirmed lesbian… It was amazing! And I found myself SO invested, so inspired by the show and its characters, and all of the little allusions to things, the foreshadowing, the moments here or there that made so much more sense after a new episode.

           This show inspired me creatively- It got me to write some of my personal favorite fanfics, and I was and still am so touched by whatever feedback I get from them! The Owl House really got me to write, to obsess over characters and analyze them, to look at motifs, to think about worldbuilding… It’s been such an artistically enriching experience, both the show and the fandom! I remember despairing so terribly when Agony of a Witch came out, the genuine betrayal I had when Lilith revealed the truth- Because I’d been legitimately endeared to her character beforehand, even formed a sort of ‘trust’ in a sense… And like many others, I agonizingly anticipated the season finale, the much-needed emotional reconciliation!

           I remember how the episode titles were revealed, bit by bit, and how I and others speculated on what they’d spell out! I remember when the fandom obsessed over the Witch’s Apprentice game and its relics, for clues and new lore after each episode, the little hints here or there! I was freaked out by characters like Belos, who lived up to my hopes and expectations- First being alluded to by name, then his amazing appearance… And then his voice and mannerisms and everything about him! And when the Season Finale came out…

           Well, there was relief. But there was a bittersweet emptiness- That it was over! The first season was over! There was a celebratory triumph, of course- We finally wrapped up the first, major arc of the show, the first batch of episodes that had been worked upon, the whole thing now unveiled and appreciated! But I was a little dismayed because a part of me KNEW a hiatus much longer than the previous one was ahead of me, and I did not handle the mid-season hiatus well. Of course, then Dana had her Reddit AMA, and the charity livestream; Both of which NOURISHED me creatively, and have helped to fill out the wait! To carry out my momentum, to not flounder about in hiatus; I invested myself into more meta, into various posts, etc. I read fanfiction that genuinely floored me, obsessed over fanart, etc.

           I supported the show’s release on Disney Plus, ecstatic to get this kind of ready access. I revisited past episodes and characters, looking at them in a new light, appreciating things; Like Luz’s relationship with fantasy… King’s surprising development, all of Eda’s little hints and clues. There’s been an emotional catharsis with these characters for me- And I genuinely feel like I’ve been a lot happier lately because of this show! I’ve met so many other blogs and gotten to know them, seen their ideas and displayed mine as we appreciated one another… I even remember doing another blog’s fanart prompt prior to the show’s release, in preparation!

           I feel like The Owl House has genuinely given me a new appreciation for meta, for fandom and analysis… For headcanons, for writing my own stories and contributing my own ideas and speculations, etc.! It’s contributed SO much joy to me as a hyperfixation, and rapidly risen through my blog as my most frequent tag! And even as I explore other fandoms and hyperfixations, both then and now, especially to pass on this crippling hiatus… This show holds a VERY special place in my heart for me. It’s really made me feel for these characters, the love and sadness, the excitement and sense of comfort… Its love and emotions, angst and found family, lore and speculation, it hits so hard to me in a way that other media hasn’t!

           It’s provided representation- Such as canonically queer characters, or protagonists who speak so well to the neurodivergent experience for many people! I’ve had delight in seeing people suggest Amity as autistic, when before Season 1B, I lowkey headcanoned and saw her as such- So seeing more evidence for this resonated deeply in my heart! I remember all of the discussion about King as a character, the confusion and talk about whether or not he WAS a King of Demons, when that first announcement in 2018 had made a similar claim… I looked forward to Eda and Lilith’s relationship, speculated on who cursed Eda, and remembered when I’d considered the Blights as a potential culprit! I remember thinking about Hooty, wondering what his deal is- And thinking then and now about that Owl Deity mural in the Owl House! Watching Luz’s development as a character and as a witch, seeing her become more proficient with magic until it finally pays off with her squaring up against Belos, and wounding him- I’d never felt so proud of a character and their progress before!

           There’s still so many more questions and mystery, lore… as well as just genuine character interactions, to look forward to! I think The Owl House is one of my favorite shows of all time… It’s deeply touched me as a person and creator, and I genuinely strive to create something even close to this one day. This show has inspired me, made me laugh and cry, compelled me to creatively make content; It’s introduced me to a wider fandom that I genuinely feel like a part of, had me meet other mutuals… It really is something special to me. And while I am eager for Season 2, I also want to appreciate what Dana Terrace and her crew have already established. I love this show’s art style and animation, the designs and overall weirdness of its characters- I love speculating and thinking about them, getting more and more details, and so forth.

           If it’s for a better product, I’m fine waiting for Season 2. And honestly, I love what we already have, and I’ve done a lot with so many people. I’ve even looked over supplementary materials and stuff posted by the crew or news articles, in my need for content… And I love every bit of update, art, and/or acknowledgement of the show’s hiatus, and Season 2’s development! There’s so much to look forward to… And there’s so much that I’ve enjoyed, after plenty of anticipation!

           Thank you @danaterrace, and everyone who worked on this- For everything. It really is crazy to reflect on this entire year, to realize it’s been a full year since that first episode, since that first premiere that lit up my world like Luz’s light spells; And it feels like such a milestone that we’ve reached! I look forward to what comes next, and I also intend to keep appreciating and cherishing what we’ve already gotten. Here’s to this show’s second year, people- It’s been such a journey to look back on and remember each step, each phase, each particular moment and stage… And I can only imagine what will come next! This show has SUCH a special place in my heart, and has made me feel in so many ways I haven’t before!

           Happy Birthday, The Owl House! You’ve earned it!

#the owl house #toh #owl house #the owl house luz #luz noceda #the owl house eda #edalyn clawthorne #the owl house king #lumity #happy birthday #dana terrace #ramblings #nostalgia #meta

[astaroth1357]

Melancholy (A Leviathan x GN MC Fanfic)

I guess you could say I use a lot of personal experience when I write. If I get sad, I’ll write something sad. Lock me in my room and I’ll probably write something about my lamp. I hope you can at least get something out of my occasional literary catharsis. Also, communication is important. Always ask for help if you need to, there’s never any shame in doing so.

Warning: Themes of Depression, Angst

Melancholy: A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

Levi could barely manage his own mood sometimes, so never once did he think that he’d end up having to help someone else with their own. Under normal circumstances, he’d never considered getting involved. All his brothers knew that he was probably the least equipped to deal with their problems, physical or emotional. If they were concerned about completing a boss level or what anime to watch next, he had them covered, but sadness…? That was an Asmo problem or maybe a Beel. Don’t come to him.

But for the MC it was different… They seemed to gravitate to him since the day they first met, even though he tried to push them away. They liked him. They laughed at his dorky jokes and listened to his endless rambling. They would stay up late with him to play the latest game he just got or sit through his six-millionth re-watch of TSL with a smile on their face. He couldn’t quite place when it started to happen, but he felt himself getting slowly more attached to this peculiar human… He gradually started opening his world to them, and they didn’t seem to mind being a part of it. They were at ease with him and all his little eccentricities... It was a feeling of acceptance that he had always craved but was too afraid to seek. He wanted to be with them, hell, he probably even loved them.

So it hurt him in a special way to see them so sad… He couldn’t place why but some days, he’d just notice things were off about them. They wouldn’t laugh as much at his jokes or smile quite as wide when he launched into another one of his rants. He could see them trying. The corners of their mouth would raise briefly, but then drop like they were weighted by cement. Their eyes wouldn’t sparkle like they used to, they’d just stay flat, static… muted. Like something about them had decided to withdraw from the world, hiding away in a place he just couldn’t quite get to… He’d ask them what was wrong, but they never had a good answer for him. Most of the time, they wouldn’t even admit there was a problem. They’d put on that fragile smile and say everything was alright… Did they think he was blind? Sure, Levi knew he wasn’t the most well-versed in people’s emotions, but even he could point to sadness when he saw it. Especially in someone that he cared about so much… 

In truth, he had been paying close attention to them for months now. With the same level of detail as he would his favorite character in a show or a voice actor who’s work he admired. He knew things about them that they may not have known about themselves… Their favorite foods and colors, how they stood and how they walked, the little habits they hung onto from the human world, and all the faces they’d make when no one else is watching... He knew it all as well as he knew any game he’s ever played, and why wouldn’t he? He was their biggest fan.

He tried using all that knowledge to cheer them up. As far as he was concerned, getting them to feel better was his new mission objective. Even his brothers took notice of his dedication to it. More deliveries started showing up at the House filled with very… not-Levi things for once. At one point, he had a rather irritated Lucifer knocking on his door to ask why there were twenty pounds worth flowers all piled in the entryway. He explained it away as him hitting the wrong option on accident, but in all honesty, it was because he ordered them flowers but just couldn’t decide which color or style would have been the best for a bouquet... So he bought them all.

They would always accept his gifts, and he could tell they liked them, but it never seemed to fix the problem... No matter what he bought them, there would still be those days where they looked just too forlorn to smile… It made his heart ache, and he wished that he could be good with people like Asmo or just put people at ease like Beel… Even Mammon was better at getting people to smile than he was… He wanted to help so badly, but every time he built up the courage to ask them about it, they’d never tell him what the problem was… 

Slowly, he began to worry if it was him, like maybe he had done something wrong one day… That had to be it right…? He was a shut-in, he’s never really had to deal with people before… The fear, guilt, and frustration gradually ate at his mind for weeks while he scoured his memories for every little mistake he could have made... Did he miss an important date? Had he forgotten to call them back for something? Did he ignore them by accident one day? With every anxious thought, there was a pressure building inside him… He was growing convinced that MC was upset because of something he had done, but he didn’t want them to leave… not after he’d finally felt so understood. It was only a matter of time before his racing thoughts slipped over…

When they knocked on his door that day, he knew they weren’t in the best mood before they even walked in. Their hand hit his door softer than usual, tentative with a longer pause between strikes. He had half a mind to tell them that he was too busy to hang out that day, having to look at their woeful expression just hurt him that much... But he knew he couldn’t refuse them even if he wanted to. His lovesick heart could never turn them away…

His suspicions were proved true when they stepped in to say hello. They had that same weak smile… the dullness of their eyes almost refusing to reflect the cool, blue glow of his aquarium wall. What did they want from him…? Were they trying to rub something in? He was to busy digging through his mind for their motives to notice that they had crossed the room to stand next to his computer chair. At least not until they gently tapped his shoulder. The concerned look in their eye was enough to stop his heart, he would have leapt from his chair had they not been blocking the way.

“Levi…? Are you okay? I said hello…” There they were, clearly drowning in their own sorrow, yet they were still concerned for him of all people? The guy who couldn’t even make them smile...? His brain short-circuited for a moment, and his next words flew out without his say-so.

“I’m s-sorry!!” He watched them pause before their brow furrowed in confusion, probably because he had just shouted in their face... He suddenly wished he could shrink down and hide in Henry’s fishbowl… This is why he doesn’t deal with people...

“Sorry…? About what…?” His eyes flicked frantically around the room while he tried to form some kind of exit strategy, but there wasn’t much he could do. There really was no turning back now, was there…?   He was finally going to have to say something… Demons don’t pray, but he could feel himself begging for someone, anyone, to make this go well…

“A-about well… You’ve been sad a lot lately and I uh… I know I didn’t remember to get you that limited edition Hinata figurine from the last convention we went to… Or that you had a test to study for a few weeks ago when I tried to get you to play Devil’s Haven with me… I also didn’t notice your last haircut until an hour after I saw you and I accidentally ate your pudding cup from Madame Scream’s and blamed it on Beel-”

“Levi…”

“-I know I should have gotten the red camellias instead of the pink on that last batch of flowers. I saw the balance was off-”

“Levi.”

“-but I thought it’d be okay. Oh, and I’m sorry I hit you with that body pillow last week! I was aiming for Mammon, I sw-”

“Leviathan!” They had to put their finger over his mouth to keep him from rambling on. His face flushed almost immediately, in part due to embarrassment but also because of their proximity. The MC’s face had softened considerably, but he could still see the lingering sadness over their features… Had he not said enough…?

“You… You actually think that it’s your fault that I’m like this…?” They took their finger back and looked at him expectantly. Levi swallowed a growing lump in his throat and nodded hesitantly. He didn’t trust himself not to launch into another self-conscious tirade if he tried opening his mouth again… It felt like a stab to the chest when he saw their expression dip farther into despair.

“It’s not your fault, Levi… I just…” They drew in a deep breath and let it out as a sullen sigh, avoiding his eyes. “I just get sad sometimes… It’s a passing mood swing. I can’t really control it, and it doesn’t always have a reason… You’ve actually been helping me, though.” Levi’s amber-toned eyes widened like saucers, he could barely believe his ears. Was this a dream, or had they just told him that he actually helped them with something…? 

“I have…??” The dumbstruck look on his face must have been pretty amusing because they actually graced him with their smile, full and authentic with no hidden melancholy.

“Yes, you dork! You have.” The light from his aquarium finally touched their eyes, dancing in amongst the natural sparkle that always accompanied their gaze. “That’s why I always keep coming here… Your jokes, your gifts… just how excited you get when you see something you love… it... It all helps. It really does…” A pang of guilt seemed to hit them as they turned away from him again, shrinking back from his presence.

“I’m so sorry I never said anything to you… I must have been showing up at your door sadder and sadder each time… No wonder you thought you were behind it…” They averted his stunned gaze by watching the jellyfish float behind his wall. “You must have felt awful… I hope you can forgive me…” The genuine remorse in their voice sent his mind into an anxious panic. He wanted, no, needed to do something now. He just couldn’t bear one more minute of their sadness…

“N-no it’s fine!” They turned back toward him in shock when his hands grasped at the hem of their shirt, his sitting form straining to try and coax their standing one closer. He just didn’t want them to pull away again… “I’m not mad or anything, I just… wish you would talk to me, you know? I want to help…”

They were silent for a few moments, eyeing him with mixed emotions and darkened cheeks, but soon let him pull them in. He rested his head on their stomach while his arms glued to their waist. It may not have been the most conventional position, but it was one where they were close, so frankly, Levi could care less. He felt them settle into it slowly, resting an arm around his shoulders while their fingers combed softly through his hair. The feeling almost made him shiver, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood.

After several long minutes locked in tranquility, he found that he just had to ask…

“MC… Is this helping…?” His heart skipped a beat when he finally heard their laugh once more, soft and charming as it always was…

“Yes, Levi… You always do…”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me leviathan #obey me levi #obey me fanfic #obey me gender neutral mc #leviathan x mc #leviathan

[first-son-of-finwe]

im the anon from before that asked abt whether or not feanor or nerdanel would get back together, your take has been on my mind and I really like it. In my heart I too think there's potential for them to reconcile, but how do you think at least on Feanor's part, that would happen? Would he be a completely different elf, more tempered in his pride and emotions? How does one even approach the topic of forgiveness after all that happened?? I don't know if he'd prostrate himself in repentance necessarily. Maybe they have to start over from the very beginning, and it takes a very, very long time to re-earn her trust enough to repair even a friendship. let alone a relationship. And it makes me wonder just what it would take for Nerdanel to forgive him, would she miss the man he was before the madness? They can never go back to who they were and how they were before, I don't think. Moreso that they'd both have to relearn who they are and how to be around the other person. Omg sorry for the rambling I've just never taken an interest in them like this before now cuz its SOOO conflicting as hell. And juicy with drama.

Juicy drama and conflicting as hell is correct 😅 I'm glad you're giving me more chances to explore these two. I'm gonna pen a whole damn essay here, so bear with me.

What would it take, on Fëanor's part, to reconcile? Would he have to be a completely different elf? The idea of being a 'different elf' is always interesting, so I'll bring out my headcanons on how Fëanor changes from life to death, and throughout his time in Mandos.

First and foremost, I have always seen Fëanor as someone who was tormented by his own mind. It's no secret that smarter people suffer more, and geniuses are rarely happy...so for him, his gifts were a double edged sword that gave him wonderful things, but also demanded a price. That price, often, was inner peace and emotional stability.

After a certain point in Mandos, I think he would come to understand just how hard it was, living his life with his chemically abundant, trigger-happy and constantly restless brain. He would also understand that he can accept help, that it is possible to move towards having more inner balance and peace, and this will ultimately make his experience of being conscious (I won't say alive, because, Mandos) better. It's like installing some brakes on a runaway train - you're not fundamentally changing what the train is or what it does, but you're making sure there is control, and that it doesn't veer off the rails and hurt itself and others in the process.

So in answer to this question, I think he would have to achieve a certain level of....hindsight, a deeper understanding of himself, and a willingness to bring himself into a more centred place. Over time, and in recognition of the struggles he's faced all his life and how that affected everyone around him, I think he would want to do this.

How this affects his perception of who he fundamentally is, whether or not he feels he's lost anything....that's a whole other conversation to have, and it's not one with a definitive answer.

But this is where Nerdanel can come into this.

What would it take for Nerdanel to forgive? Would she miss the man he was before the madness? Nerdanel is named 'the wise', and I believe she is empathetic by nature. If she understands all of the above, sees for herself that her husband has understood it too, and is actively moving in a different direction....then, perhaps, the topic of forgiveness can be brought up.

I should say that here all of the above is distinct from Fëanor's personality, which is fiery, bold, adventurous, passionate and stubborn by nature. He had long periods of his life where he was just happy, and I think his courtship, marriage and years with his children were the longest of these. I can't imagine that Nerdanel would not have looked back and missed those good times terribly, ached for them.

I am also slightly weak to the idea of her emotions overpowering her rational judgement a bit. Yes, she is entirely justified in denouncing him forever, in not extending any forgiveness, or even another second's thought. But she still remembers the elf she fell in love with, and goddamnit, some part of that is still there.

If Fëanor ever managed to speak to her, I think he would want to express his remorse for a lot of things. I cannot imagine that he wouldn't be pained by how much he hurt her, and how badly he messed up his marriage to someone who was his soul mate in every way. As I said in the last post, he would not necessarily be expecting any reconciliation - he would just do it in the hope that his words could give her some kind of catharsis, and relieve some of her anger. After everything, he wants to give her that at least.

From there....who knows? Perhaps they could, as you say, learn to be around each other again. A small smile here and there for an old quirk they recognise, for an old memory, for the humour they used to share that naturally emerges sometimes.

I like to think that they could make it. It may not be the same again, but a) they just can't seem to stay away, and b) it gets a little better every time.

#out of silmarils #anon #feanor and nerdanel

[mercy-misrule]

What’s Up Doc? or, some thoughts about Team Cleric a.k.a Team Emotional Repression

(reposted because i wasn’t appearing in the tags before plus now i can add a readmore!)

i think its really interesting that the two members of the mighty nein who are the best at emotional repression, Jester and Caduceus are also the ones with the most supportive families. Their damage is so different then the rest of the Nein and so it manifests very differently.

Jester is the daughter of someone who strives to do her best while combating both occupational hazards and her own severe mental illness.

It meant that Jester’s world was very small and contained and probably, in Marion’s eyes, safe. And being safe is a number one priority for someone with extreme anxiety issues. Parents who care try to shield their children from pain, and what, from the point of view of someone dealing with extreme fear is more painful then being unsafe, being exposed?

So Marion is not only a person trying to cope with her bad brains, she’s also a famous artist, performer and sex worker. And in her domain, her four walls she has control over her environment, who is allowed to stay and leave, but it’s conditional. She has to be The Ruby Of The Sea, no matter what, even if she’s having bad fear issues.

Children model themselves after their parents, especially when that parent engages with them and loves them. Jester learned how to perform joy, to seal away fear and anger, and distress because her mother has to, to function on a professional level, if nothing else

Jester is very complex, shifting sands when it comes to emotional repression. Its hard for her to be honest about ‘negative’ feelings.

also, like Caduceus, its easy for her to shut down and minimise her own pain when faced with the raw screaming agony and trauma some of the rest of the Nein have.

Very much, ‘oh i can’t be that upset because look at what they’ve gone through!!!’

it doesn’t work like that, suffering is valid no matter what, but in fiction and irl, it’s easy to handwave your own pain when you can see other people’s.

Meanwhile Caduceus over here like hmm, looks like time for me to mete out Wisdom and never even consider I might need the same in return.

The problem with the Nein is that its a lot of people with Big Trauma and trauma brain makes a lot of noise. A lot of the time, you need to make your needs very clear to trauma survivors, otherwise we can just miss it, because our brains were forcibly rewired by the act of surviving trauma

Caduceus sat at home, in the rot of his sacred temple, watching his family leave one by one, never returning and that’s Just Fine, he says, brewing tea. its not though, even if you have true and real faith, its still being lost and left.

And now, he’s had so many different, varied good, bad and terrible experiences. He’s had and witnessed miraculous moments, and he’s also had just some absolutely miserable times. 

But he seals it all away, the good and bad. He presents as a constant, even though he knows he is not. And he gets away with it because the people he’s made a second family with are scarred so badly that to them, his capacity to be the calm in the eye of the storm is a super power. 

Taliesin plays Cad pretty close to the chest, so the emotional catharsis some fans want may never happen. And probably there is a lot of projection on behalf of the fandom. Taliesin said that Cad is a static character. 

As in, he is a fixed point and the others revolve around him and interact with him. It’s a really interesting place of control, and minimal vulnerability. It’s a very powerful thing and the Nein feed into that power, they provide him power and purpose via their emotional vulnerability.  

When Beau talks about them being co-dependent, do not doubt that Caduceus is part of that co-dependency! 

 There isn’t a breakdown welling in Caduceus but maaaybe he could admit that the Nein have changed him, truly. He is a different man then the one who was anxious about stepping beyond the graveyard.

Caduceus accept the mortifying ordeal of being known challenge

#critcal role #cr meta #jester lavorre #caduceus clay #i'm a trauma survivor so i examine things through that lens

[h3l10tr0p3]

BNHA OVA: Make it! Do or Die Survival Training!

SPOILERS

So, the Class A students are training for their provisional exams and have to operate in an underground mall rescue mission which caved in due to an electric fire. Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, Uraraka, Asui (I mean, Tsuyu), Kirishima, Kaminari, Yaoyaorozu, Iida and Tokoyami embark down the site when a secondary disaster seperates them.

The OVA most probably takes place between Deku's visit to Hatsume Mei's Studio and the second scene at Gym Gamma where Deku kicks away a boulder dislodged by Katsuki's AP Shot in his recently updated gear (which he wore in the OVA too). In the OVA, Deku's kicks are also shown to be choppy and he doesnt have precise control over it as he kept falling off the ice-raft when he kicked holes through the ceilings of B6 - B3.

This OVA was filled with student interactions and shippy goodness.

We had IidaMomo, IzuOcha, OchaTsuyu, BakuKami, BakuTodo KiriKami and even a Todoroki × Tokoyami (Todoyami? Tokoroki?) even a rare TodoKami moment! (Todoroki calls Kaminari by his first name, Denki!!)

But at the end of the day, the bkdk feels hit it home.

That's it. THAT'S THE OVA.

What blows my mind is that when the Next big three were at level B6, using the geyser to get up to ground level- Studio BONES could have easily made them shoot up to surface without stopping on B3 and injuring Kacchan.

But they did.

This whole OVA basically revolves around injuring Kacchan and the "Be my cane' dialogue and you caNnoT convince me otherwise.

Now to some it may seem out of character/chronologically dubious for Kacchan to relent to easily to Deku in this OVA considering that this took place before Deku v Kacchan 2, and the OVA clearly states that Aizawa was training the children for the oncoming Provisinal Liscence exams. It was only after Kacchan failed the Provisional exams did DvK2 happen.

But there is a very thin vein of appropriation which makes Kacchan's reaction to accepting Deku's help justified with the time line and it all comes down to Kamino.

Hailed as a championing Kiribaku moment, what is often overlooked in this arc is how Izuku gave up his chance to reach out to Katsuki because he was afraid if it were him, Katsuki would not accept his hand. His anguish is easily overshadowed by the success of the rescue stunt.

Look at Deku in the second gif closely.

In the very last frame, his eyes are shadowed, like he is physically holding in the hurt at seeing how easily Kirishima can reach out to Kacchan again and again in a way Deku is not allowed to.

And it is my belief that Katsuki saw that look.

So, Kamino Arc comes and goes. Students are gearing up for Provisional Exams as shown in the OVA and near the end, there comes a time where Katsuki, injured, clearly needs assistance and this is what Deku says.

"I want to save you too"

Kacchan's response to this is clearly unprecendented, and let's face it soft. Him getting a character development like this before DvK2 when he should be steeping in self-loathing for ending All Might and already suspecting that Deku has AM's power, sounnds a bit far-fetched but consider, obliquely, for one moment that Katsuki knows what Deku feels like.

If Katsuki knows Deku wanted to save him badly back at Kamino, that changes things. It probably hints that Katsuki is aware that Deku relinquished the role of taking his hand to Kirishima fearing he wouldn't take Deku's. Katsuki understands that Deku was deeply hurt by this. So when Deku says "I want to save you too" it's like a callback to Kamino and what he means is -

I want to save you like Kirishima is allowed to do.

Katsuki's "I refuse" and consequent (meme-worthy) "Be my cane" dialogues have a lot more weight than comic relief in that context. He is acknowledging Izuku's help not only as a stepping stone, but also accepting it in a non-personal nature- it's like it is an integral part of his growth that he accepts the only way he knows how to-i.e. on his terms.

But the very act of accepting at this stage of their relationship speaks VOLUMES of how Katsuki percieves Izuku and cares for him beyond his brittle and bruised ego. Because despite the misconception Katsuki holds that Izuku is always looking down on him (right uptil the big fight in DvK2 I might add), Katsuki understands and acknowledges Izuku's hurt at not being the one able to save him. Most importantly,

He sees the anxiety Deku suffers from the mere thought of having lost him again.

By the way, the last time Deku looked even remotely concerned about Kacchan's well-being with such open anxiety on his face looked pretty much like this-

(Yeah...it did not go well)

Add that to the fact that Kacchan probably knows that Deku pushed Kirishima to save him when he blamed himself most (despite having nearly broken his whole fucking skeleton in the process) for not being able to rescue him at the Summer Camp itself.

Kacchan clearly understands the lengths Deku is prepared to go, and will go through again to see him safe and secure. Regardless of what kind of hit his ego takes from Kamino (which is compounded by his failure at the Provisional Exams), being saved by Deku in the wake of these realizations clearly surpasses the need to cling to his own pride in the OVA

And that Alone is a testament to the fact how Katsuki's character has been slowly and surely maturing even before DvK2 which makes him such a well-developed character. He is not completely without empathy Pre-DvK2.

He shows it, but sparingly. He convinces himself that he is saving people like Kirishima, Kaminari, Todoroki and Deku in the OVA because he doesnt 'want to owe it to anybody', but he has already started to internalize this attitude of 'Save to Win' this early in the series.

And the biggest proof in the OVA, of how Katsuki has taken the Kamino experience to heart is when Katsuki persists on the mission to save the dummy despite a secondary disaster complicating their exercise. In a way, It is a catharsis. It is Katsuki's re-enactment of Kamino from Deku's perspective, even if it is to save just one lifeless dummy from debris. He is not going to slack off.

(Funny how, here too, the one needing to be saved was ultimately saved by Kirishima)

He has already started to show (and accept) his dedication to saving as well as winning well before AM gives him the "Save to Win. Win to Save" talk, which cements the vector of his future development in the series.

All things considered, is this OVA a valuable addition to the main story of bnha?

Well, depends on the viewer. It has lots of cool highlight on character dynamics, character focus and fleshes out how the next Big Three seamlessly coordinate with each other. (Also shipping material) However in my humble opinion it seems to make the transition of Kacchan's char development easier for the anime-onlys or the anime-and-movie-onlys, so that the Class Exercise arc doesnt seem like a drastic change in his motivations.

(As if we need any more convincing how in-character it is for Bakugou to want to Save as much as he wants to Win)

#dekukatsu #kacchan x deku #Katsudeku #katsuki bakugou #midoriya izuku #bnha spoilers #mha ova #bkdk #ktdk #kacchan #deku

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 13/13

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. This is the final reaction post. 

Thank you for reading these if you have been here with me since the start as I let myself fall into this rabbit hole. You’ve watched me cry and react, and now we... have reached the end. But, it’s not the end of our story, it doesn’t just end when the camera fades to black. No. It won’t. It will continue in our hearts, and I will never forget what Mystic Messenger means to me. Not even when the game is over and I can’t reach it anymore to find my sense of comfort. It will always be in my heart. 

This isn’t the end of me talking about Mystic Messenger. I have so many thoughts and theories ahead of me to talk about that I learned from this ending and what I will learn from the Bad Endings. 

It was there for me when my life started to change. It was the lowest point in my life and the game saved me. I know it saved a lot of you, as well. So, this one is dedicated to Saeran. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you, and thank you for giving me the faith to believe in myself. Thank you to the RFA, all of you, for being there for me. Just as I was there for you. You’ll never know just how much you mean to me. 

I pray that our promise of happiness... that our four seasons... are spent together with all of us peaceful and joyful until the very end. 

[10:00] THE FINAL END. 

The final discussion before the end, huh? This is a chatroom with everyone where we’re talking about what’s to come. What’s to happen and the faith that we have in each other. Yoosung begins a discussion on the notion of Eternal Love without Pain or Eternal Love with Pain. It’s a fun little philosophical debate with the RFA as we go over the sweet and the sour. How things can be good but we in the end, nobody has to suffer to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Love will prevail in the end no matter what happens, whether you were hurt or not in the process. 

I agree with that. Love exists no matter what. You don’t have to be hurt to be loved and you don’t have go through pain to be deserving of love. You can find love at any point in your life and you should cherish that as close to your heart as you can when you feel it for the first time. I liked being able to talk to the RFA about this because it’s... much of a release as I take the time to catch my breath and breathe. 

Because... I know this is the end. I had to take some time to breathe and let this out before I played. I knew that it was going to affect me so I wanted to savor the moment as long as I possibly could. It was worth that. Although, I was already starting to cry but I laughed so when they let me break the fourth wall in this chat. 

They call this a game of choices and freedoms that we all make and what do we call this game?

You can life, or you can say Mystic Messenger. 

It won’t harm your choices once you’ve gotten to this point so you can say it and watch it play out. This is just a snippet of the conversation. I need you to get the rest of it for yourself because... it’s much different to experience then it is to hear about from me, you know? They wish me luck on my mission. I take it and I don’t look back. 

This is on me now. 

Now here comes the first visual novel mode that you have to pass before you can see the Good Ending. I know what the game wants me to do. It wants me to do as Saeran did. It wants me to have faith and to be kind, and it isn’t begging me to forgive anyone. It’s giving me the option to take that road if I want to take it and seeing what Saeran did, I’m willing to chance it. I’m willing to listen. I have given Rika and V one chance here to prove to me that they can acknowledge who they are and what they’ve done. It’s not shaming me like what happens in V’s After Ending, more or less. It’s letting me have that freedom. 

Rika owns up to everything in front of me and bears out her heart. She knows that she has done wrong and she admits it. She admits everything and says that she will no longer run away from this or lie to herself. See, this is what I wanted. This is not asking much. I want her to admit that she’s wrong and say it. Mean it. You can’t grow if you don’t admit that you fucked up or did things wrong. This is what she needs. 

I may not like her, and I may not forgive her. But, I’m willing to say that I took a chance to let her have that catharsis. She needed it more than I did. I may not like Rika but I don’t want her to be depressed and lost. In reality, I want her to be able to grow and find herself. I want her to face her crimes. I want her to live with that. But, I don’t want her to rot away in misery while serving her time. I want her to get better for herself. 

She can have that. 

But, only when admitting that she will pay for what she did. Only when she says that she will face reality. I don’t expect anyone to give her or V another chance or let them back into their lives, but at the end of the day, it feels like Rika will be able to work on herself while she repents for what she did in prison. 

She can have that. I’m not angry about that. I couldn’t be. I may not be like Saeran, I may not be able to forgive the people that hurt me in my life, but I can give a chance to someone that wants to admit they were horrible and that they want to change. 

Sometimes, it’s never too late for yourself. It may be too late to get back what you broke, but you can find yourself. At the end of the day, she needed that more than I did and I’m too nice of a person. Saeran decided to embrace and leave behind his hatred even though he still feels it. He won’t let it consume him anymore. I’m following after him because that makes me a better person. But, I know that Saeyoung and I have far more in common on the forgiveness front. 

But, it felt like the right thing to do. 

I don’t forgive her but I wish her emotional journey the best. Make something of your life as you face punishment, Rika. 

Once this is over, we start to go and look for Saeran. But, we jump back to Zen and Yoosung. Jumin is announcing his bid for politics. He also announced his own company, Queen Elizabeth, which he will be using to create an intelligence team that will be able to work for the people and stop dirty politicians. 

It’s a good idea, honestly. That’s very Jumin Han of them to go through with. Zen and Yoosung, however, are both surprised when they see that Jumin announces that Zen will be on their promotion team, Jaehee will be his chief organizer, and Yoosung is leader of the undergraduate unit. They did not know he was going to do that. 

Jumin simply says: The RFA is inseparable from my legacy. 

Saeran passed out during the night sometime during his emotional crisis when his phone died on us when we were talking to him. He thinks that he is okay, but when he raises his head, he realizes that he spoke too soon. Saejoong is here with his guards. Rika isn’t there, Saejoong is incredibly angry. 

He insults and degrades Saeran the entire time, calling him things that I really shouldn’t at all repeat but let me just say that it’s in line with what Mother Choi said to him when he was growing up. He taunts him, and tries to kick him around, “You know, I could at least relate to Saeyoung, he’s smart and crafty. But you... you’ve got your mother’s face. Did you ever think that Saeyoung took all the talent from you from the start? You’ve always been weak.” 

And this is the part of the story where I just lose my mind and I can’t just shaking from anger at Saejoong. He lashes out. He starts to hurt Saeran over and over again as if that’s going to solve all of his fucking problems. Saeran just lets him do it, too. He accepts it. He keeps his head raised high and he decides to the end, he will not let himself fall to his anger. If this is the end, he will not leave a mark of anger on this world. 

He thinks of... me. In that moment before his body hurts too much for him to take the pain and he slumps over when it just becomes too much for him. And, that is when I start crying. 

Visual novel ends. 

I’m fucking sobbing at this point because I don’t know if this is meant to happen or if I’ve triggered the last Bad Ending. Even here, he’s putting his heart into all that he has. He refuses to stop choosing to be free and happy. This is all that he wants and he will not let himself die without leaving a good memory for me. He can’t handle the thought but he whimpers and the screen goes black. 

The entire RFA calls after this and I sigh in relief because I must have done something right and this isn’t the end.  to say that to Rika. They both need to face it for their crimes. But, even at the end of the day, Jumin Han is a great man.

They all let me know that they believe in me and from this point, everything is my choice. They let me know they believe in me but everything from here on is in my hands. This is my freedom. This is my choice. This is my ending and I get to choose that. 

They make me smile through my tears as I’m playing because— The RFA will always be a family and a part of me. I let them know that I love them all, cause I do and then I hang up to start the final section of the game. I don’t know I’m ready but I have to be for Saeran. I’ll not forget that they have faith in me to do the right thing. 

Oh, and before I forget, Jumin said to tell V that he needs a good lawyer, but not 

He opens the scene. He admits the truth that I always knew. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay. He wanted to stay so badly but he saw no other choice for himself and he was never okay with it. I sense that he’s in the area as it jumps back to where I am. I’m with V, Rika, and Driver Kim. Saeran is where we left him the night prior by the water, and he’s on the ground about to be taken away by Saejoong Choi. 

Like a pawn to end. 

No.

Everyone tells me not to move. Not to go. But, I’m not going to let him get away and leave me. Leave the others. This is not his fate here. I won’t let him resign himself to that. So, I’m already risking everything and I’m not looking back, if we burn, we burn together, and if we live, we live together. There’s no other way for this to be. 

Me: I love you. 

Saeran: It’s no use. Now I can’t die. Because of you.

Me: Now should be happy with me, okay?

Saeran: ...

Saeran: ..... 

Me: No, no, no, wake up, Saeran, wake up!

I fear he’s gone for good for a minute there. I want to breathe, but Saejoong is the monster that he is. He immediately jumps to the blame game. He says that he can use this. He can blame me. He wants to use this against Saeyoung as it needs to be in his world, and then... he will use that man until he’s no longer got use. Then, he’ll let him die. It’s as simple as a transaction to him. I hate that. I really do. 

I’m just so angry at him. 

But, I know that Saeran wouldn’t want me to lose myself to that. More than anything, I pity this son of a bitch because does he really think this of himself to the point where nothing matters but his desires? His greed that deep? Is this all he wants? Saeran and Saeyoung never wanted this, and they never wanted to fight him. They just wanted to be able to live, that’s what I tell him, feeling that strength brewing. 

I’m just so done with hurting Saeran. 

He pauses, “Oh, that’s where he learned all of that nonsense.” 

“Your heart much be a dark and lonely place. Doesn’t it hurt to be that way? No matter what you do, no matter how much pain and victory you make for yourself, at the end of the day, you’ll never stop feeling lonely. Isn’t that sad?”

He pauses because he thinks I’m either an idiot or I’ve lost my mind. He decides to hear me out on this one. I tell him that he will pay for everything that he has done thus far here, that’s a given. He scoffs. He said that maybe if it was just the agency, they might have been able to live, but they’ve done nothing but ruin his life. “Why don’t you see it from my shoes instead of the weaklings?” 

“I’m sure something hurt you in your past. I can see that you locked away your heart and replaced it with a chain and cruelty.” 

“...I’ve never seen someone as helplessly innocent as you. I don’t get it. It’s not me. It’s the world. You can only get what you want when you’re cruel.” He is very quick to explain his thought process. He thinks that if he never started to be this person then he would have never stopped shining the shoes of the elite instead of this. He says that you only win when you destroy. And, I decide to tell him what I know that Suit Saeran learned. 

This isn’t forgiveness. This is me trying to understand why people are so cruel and why the hell they’re like this. I let him know that if he keeps being cruel that he is damning himself to isolation. He’s damned himself and he knows that he has done it. Even in that blackened heart, he knows the truth. I don’t think he cares to even think of it. Saejoong still enrages me and I can’t stand him, but I can see why he is the way he is. 

Cool motive, still murder, bro. 

He pauses again. He feels sick. He doesn’t believe that Saeran can be happier than him. He thinks that happiness can only come from destruction, and to be utterly honest, it’s the same thinking that Rika held in her hands and I hate that trait. If he survives all his battles, he says, then he is the victor no matter the details. The devil is in the details, don’t you know? I’ve struck a nerve because he starts to blame me.

“Don’t you know what their mother and those boys put ME through?”

Oh, I know what you went through, you fucking bastard. I don’t give a fuck about you. You’re a sad old man that has hurt others his entire life and you deserve to be put away for what you did to everyone. He starts to crack for real though, as he slowly realizes more and more that love isn’t something he can be capable of and it’s never something that he will get. It means nothing, which he knows is a lie. He is a monster, he knows, and his quest didn’t give him the time to look for something more. He says there is no changing things. 

He has to use the twins or he’ll be dead. 

I just look at him, tired. “You must be so lonely.” 

Saeran stirs awake for sure, he must have been blinking in and out of his state of alertness. He looks at me for a moment but then he forces himself to his feet as fast as he can. I want to get him help, but he says to wait. He does something that I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of. He embraces his father and says that he must have been so lonely. That nobody ever understood him in his life and that he came this far by himself... how awful that must have felt all this time. It says that it must have been... “So hard.”

Then he falls out again. 

I manage to catch him before he hurts himself and Saejoong remains in shock while Saeran thanks me. 

And he pan away once more. Jumin tells everyone what happened. He said that his announcement went well. He also breaks the news that I was able to get to the point in time, intercepting Saejoong and Saeran before it was too late. He is really injured and but we’re on our way to safety. However, Saejoong got away at the last second. 

Fade to black. 

We return once again, this time we’re in a hospital room and I have to wait for a long minute as I collect myself and my tears. There’s just so much happening in this room all at once that I’m overwhelmed with what’s happening. Saeyoung is here. Saeran is still asleep, and it’s been three days. The media and everyone is turning back to our side. People are starting to see the RFA as good again, and there is no doubt that we’ve got a good story ahead. Saejoong is on the run as far as know, and I’ll get to Rika and V in a moment. 

Saeyoung and I have another talk. I let him know that it’s okay. Saeyoung tells me that he finished with the agency. He says that the truth will be coming very soon, but he had to tell Jumin first before it went to the media. So, that is going to be happening. We no longer have to live in fear. The brothers no longer have to live in fear. 

Saeyoung will never forgive Saejoong. I won’t, either. But, I do have to tell him that Saeran did forgive him. But, he says that Saeran is kinder and better than him in that aspect. I won’t let this happen again, he says. He wants to make up for being a bad brother. His to-do list is getting pretty long. I know that it will be okay in due time. 

Vanderwood comes in and says that they hate to break the moment, but they need to go. Someone saw Saejoong nearby. He tells me to stay with Saeran as he.... he may not be safe. I do. I say I’ll tell him when he wakes up. He winds up leaving after that. I then tell Saeran it’s okay, and how longer does he want to play this sleep act? 

I sort of expected that. He’s still trying to get himself ready to face his brother and it’s going to take time again. He’s got all the time in the world now but I know that he will let me know when he’s ready. Saeran says that he’s out of time and I am confused. Then he drops the bombshell that Saejoong came to see him and that HE’S IN THE FUCKING ROOM. 

I’m like: WHAT?

Saeran grips my hand and shakes his head, “If I thought he would hurt you, I wouldn’t let you near him.”

Saejoong appears and says that he knows that Saeyoung won’t forgive him and that he will want to act out his revenge by putting him away. But, he is... okay with that? He says that almost losing all of his power and everything that he ever knew made him stop in his tracks, and he doesn’t understand why I told him what I told him, but—

“You two understood a part of myself that I abandoned. I felt something I didn’t know that I had anymore. That I forgot. I surely didn’t understand why you would say all that when you thought you were going to die, Saeran. I can’t stop thinking of the nonsense you all said.... sorry for the monologue. I need to catch up with Saeyoung. I won’t have to run anymore. I won’t have a beautiful life. I never found the way to that, but... maybe you two.... I must go. But, thank you. Thank you for saying what you did.”

 “So, you had a change of heart?”

He’s simply decided to turn himself in. Nothing more. I’m left with Saeran and he smiles. I smile back. He’s finally free. He’s finally free of everything that held him down and I’m so happy for him. You did this Saeran. You did it and you found yourself in the end. I’m proud of you for that. I have to say that I’m not upset that you choose forgiveness. That felt right for you and I wasn’t upset about the way that that was handled. You choose that for yourself. 

You’ve always had a kind heart. 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that he’s going to let them into his life, but it will help him move on from what’s happened and I respect his choice. This is his freedom and it’s a beautiful thing to see. 

It fades to black. 

[6 MONTHS LATER.]

A chatroom opens. Jaehee, Yoosung, and Zen are there. They’re talking about what’s changed and what’s happening now. She’s still in charge of Jumin’s well, everything, but she’s steady in that job now. She’d rather be Zen’s manager, though, she jokes. 

Jumin was elected to office, by the way. He’s on his way to changing the world. Zen made countless deals and he is on his way to Broadway. He’s going to be leaving soon but he’ll be back before anyone knows it. Yoosung is going to study abroad in France, can you believe it? He wants to a pastry chef! That’s alot better than being a vet, which we know that he wasn’t entirely passionate about. 

I’m so proud of them! All of them!

Vanderwood went to their hometown. I wish them the best, too. Nobody knows a damn thing about them and we never will, haha. 

Something to note: V will be released when his trials are over. It’s a foot note but they just say it simply. Nobody seems to be in contact with Rika and V and that is how it should be. Everyone is living their own lives now and they have every chance to decide if they want to forgive Rika and V, but I know that that isn’t going to be likely. Which, of course, But, it’s everyone’s choice. Yoosung is kind and says that he hopes for he best for V, that he will find a better life. They all agree with that. 

But it’s obvious that nobody is going to interact with them again. I don’t blame them, I don’t want to, either. But, I do wish them whatever they can find that is good for them after they pay for the price of what they’ve done. I like how this was handled. This is how you play forgiveness and judgment. It’s not about how we handle this with rage, it’s about we handle our process personally. Freedom and choice are the theme of Saeran’s After Ending. 

I stand by that. 

I like this. I loved this while ride that we were on even though it hurt me on the way. It made me really happy. It made me really sad. It made me go through a whole cycle... and I needed that. I got a good chuckle out of this, though, and I can say that it made me smile. Fourth wall breaks are okay when they’re like this and they’re not like YOUR APRIL FOOLS DLC, HYUN RYU. 

And the chat concludes as they talk about what Saeyoung has been up to and what Saeran and I have been up to lately. It feels like the RFA is going to go for their own ways for a little while, but we’ll always be interconnected with one another and this messenger is our space to share that with each other all of our days. No matter what happens, no matter where we go, we’ll always have the Mystic Messenger (Don’t Tell Jumin we renamed it) to come to when we need to have un with our family. 

Because they are our family. 

We are a family. 

We will always be interconnected, just as Jumin Han said. 

Then chatroom fades to black and I pause, knowing that the real end is ahead of me when I tap my screen. I take a deep breath and let it wash over me. 

This isn’t the end of my love for this game, the characters, the people I’ve met because of the game, or the people that have changed my life. It’s been four years since I first opened the chatroom and I can say that I needed to know that it was going to be okay in the end. I feel like it will be okay in the end for me. I feel like it will be okay for Saeran, Saeyoung, and the rest of the RFA. I’m hitting the end here so forgive me, I’ve been crying since I finished this morning. I’ve been writing on this since I finished. 

They gave me that. They gave me so much light, hope, and warmth. I will never forget them. I will continue to keep them in my heart. I hope they know that in the universe that is separating us. I feel like they know that. I like to think that they do, anyway. It’s not the end of my love. Love always persists and wins, don’t you know that? 

It’s a lesson always lead your life with your heart first. Love hard, love fast, love stupid, love smart, love however you can and lavish yourself in that freedom and let it see where it takes you. Sure, there’s bound to be bumps in the road but it will be okay in the end, and at the end, that’s the message that I take away from Mystic Messenger today as I finish Saeran’s After Ending. 

That your heart is something that you should cherish and never let go of. Thank you for everything. 

#mod kait #Kait Reacts To The AE #KaitReactsToTheAE #mm #mysticmessenger #mystic messenger #mysme #SaeranAfterEnding #saeran ae #saeran after ending #saeran #saeran choi #choi saeran #mystic messenger saeran #mysme saeran #mm saeran #saeran mysme #saeran mystic messenger #saeran mm #saeranchoi #choisaeran #long post

[there-are-things-i-dont-forget]

SPOILERS FOR CRITICAL ROLE CAMPAIGN 2 BELOW

I just wanted to talk about how much the Mighty Nein and Matt and Critical Role have meant to me over the past few months. I started Campaign 2 in January this year, when I moved out for university and was able to live on my own for the first time. They quite literally saved me, because I cared so much for the setting and the characters and the story that Matt wove and how the players interacted with them that I hung on just to see how it would end. 

For me, it was amazing how I could relate the characters to aspects of myself, and how watching them all get their happy endings have made me be able to look forward with a bit more hope.

Let’s start with Beau. I’ll be honest, Marisha’s characters are always the most challenging for me, because of how real they are. Marisha is a stunning actor, incredibly skilled, and Beau was the character I responded to the most as if it was a real person. Everyone else I could enjoy and play into the metagame of watching the players be characters. With Beau and Marisha, it was so real. Moreover, I could see myself reflected in the character (which is probably why I found her so challenging to begin with). Trauma, hurt, being an asshole to other people before they could reject her first. Not the best at compliments, giving in to anger and sarcasm, struggling to connect. And I got to watch her grow, and be accepted, and learn from her mistakes, and be appreciated by who she was, and in the end get vindication on her abusers, and find love and acceptance. Beau’s story is incredibly special to me.

In that same vein is Yasha’s. Manipulated, taken advantage of, forced to do things against her will. Yasha’s story is the one that I can relate to the most, in terms of trauma, and to see her quite literally rip the wings off of her abuser was cathartic in a way that I did not expect, but should have foreseen. And in the end, she also got her happy ending. I’m gonna leave it at that, because any more will make me cry. But I hold her and her character arc so close to my heart.

Liam’s performances are the hardest for me to watch because he feels so much, and I love it. He really gives it all to the scene and it is incredible. Caleb was a character that I overlooked for a bit in the beginning (as Jester had quickly become my favorite), but he quickly climbed as we began to see more of his character and his backstory. Manipulated and groomed by someone he was supposed to be able to trust, forced again to do things against his will, falling in to flashbacks and panic attacks, struggling to rejoin society and interact with others, a love and a passion for learning to a nearly obsessive sense, both for the love of it and for the possibility of gaining the power and strength needed to take back control. Slowly learning to love, to grow, to find friends and see that there can be more to life, that you don’t have to be ruled by your trauma or let it define you, but also still acknowledging it and its effects. But also just how long it takes, and how it can affect you in ways you cannot imagine. He also got his vindication on his abuser, and again, I cried, tears of happiness for him and of grief and hope for me, that one day I might be able to do the same.

Caleb, Yasha, and Beau are the ones I relate to the most because their story is my story, and watching them grow and love means it can happen to me as well. I cannot stress how important and incredible it is for me to realize that. In the more material sense, they all got closure and catharsis against those who hurt them, and they all learned to love again, to open their hearts and let others in again. And that means I can too.

This brings me to the Shadowgast love story. I know this is really controversial for the fandom and I don’t care. For me, their arc was perfectly realistic, and their ending was exactly what I expected for the characters. Finding a kin spirit, learning together, hesitant but trusting in the other’s passion for study at the very least, slowly and naturally growing closer and learning more about each other, revealing more. The betrayal from Essek, the scene on the boat, the slight recoiling on either side, and then learning again, slowly trusting again and teaching each other to forgive themselves, that they were both victims in a sense and that they can take back control and do better, and choose to do better and be better. Slowly healing, and healing together, knowing the worst of each other and choosing to stay but still acknowledging those parts of each other. The scene where they return to the T-Dock and they talk about time travel, and Caleb disintegrates the whole thing? That’s growth, and that’s growing together. And they continue to grow for years, and heal for years, and eventually they end up together, but it takes time. Of course it does. And Essek’s character and this ending really helped me understand some of my own feelings in terms of friendship and romance. Everyone upset that there wasn’t any “on screen” romance or whatever, to me, fundamentally misunderstood the character, especially since his love language does not seem to be physical touch at all (if anything it’s gift giving/acts of service - teleporting the M9 around? Helping Caleb solve the spell? Giving up to dunamis gem to help the M9 get a long rest?). But yeah. Watching characters like that help validate my own experiences in friendship and romance and it was fantastic. 

The others I have a bit less in common with, but there’s still stuff to talk about. Veth having her body changed by someone else, something out of her control, feeling alien in this body and struggling to find a sense of self, then finding friends willing to pour everything into helping her be herself again? Fjord learning he is valuable whether or not he has powers/can serve others, that he has worth just as himself, and that that is enough? Those were stories I needed to hear, to know that something like that is possible.

Caduceus growing out of his comfort zone, exploring, learning, but still being a rock for the others (and for the viewers), and "Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential. It’s love that saves them."?  Molly’s loyalty and “leave every place better than you found it”? Even if I couldn’t relate directly to the characters didn’t mean they didn’t have an impact, and these are things that I will carry with me always.

Jester. I have just about nothing in common with Jester, and I loved it. Her optimism, her jokes, and her art (including the dicks), just the absolute light and joy that was her character was exactly what I needed to get through some of the toughest times of my life. Watching her grow from episode one to episode 141 was insane, to mature but not lose her creativity and her fun for life. She was my reminder that there is good and light and hope in the world, even if sometimes you have to create it for yourself, and that is what kept me going sometimes.

And finally, Matt. I cannot give enough thanks to you for choosing to share this amazing world and this story with us. Your storytelling is what prompted me to finally put my ideas into writing, and now I’m working on my own book. Along with Jester, Essek is one of my favorites, and his story arc and characterization was incredibly important to me. I truly have no words for how Critical Role and especially you, with the care and passion and obvious love for storytelling that you have, have changed my life. And I cannot thank you enough.

Am I sad that the campaign ended? Maybe a little. I will miss these characters. But I truly believe that Matt ended the campaign at the perfect point, and I loved the final episode, it made incredible sense for the end of the characters (maybe a teeny bit more Marion/Babenon? But I digress). I’m sure Campaign 3 will be just as astounding.

My love and thanks to the cast and crew of Critical Role. Rest well knowing you did a fantastic job, and I’ll see you in campaign 3.

PS: I know there’s a lot of tags, I want to make sure I cover all my bases so people don’t get spoiled if they have these tags blocked because I have been spoiled too many times by people who tag badly.

#critical role #critrole #critical role spoilers #critical role campaign 2 #critical role campaign two #the mighty nein #mighty nein #m9 #beauregard lionett #yasha nydoorin #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #veth brenatto #fjord stone #caduceus clay #mollymauk tealeaf #matt mercer #jester lavorre #cr #cr spoilers #cr campaign 2 spoilers #cr2 spoilers #c2ep141 #critical role finale