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aleksa-sims · 4 months

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RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: mental illness, panic attacks

This is Dr. M., my Therapist. You have met her once before in my story. She helped me to control my panic attacks and practiced daily with me relaxation techniques. This really helped me after a while.

But now it was time for me, to use Dr M.’s help again. This time, it wasn’t panic attacks. It was rather.... stress & anxiety, that made my everyday life tough. I was afraid to leave the house alone.

Two days ago, I was already here. She prescribed me drugs, antidepressants, that I can continue to take during pregnancy. Weeks before, I attended those therapeutic group sessions she led. I haven’t been there often, but she asked me about Daniel there. She saw I wasn't well. And that's exactly the topic she first discussed with me today. She wanted to get an idea of my current situation and she was also worried about Daniel. She thought Daniel was going through something similar to me. Just he did not have panic attacks, but she was sure, he also struggled to process this thing .The attack on the two of us and the consequences of it. However, I also told her everything that had happened since Daniel left. Drugs, Adam & Ana, including N. & me.

Dr. M.: I'm glad you got confidence in me. I remember well how.... difficult certain topics for you were to address. That guy Adam, how do you handle what happened between you and him?

Me: Actually, nothing happened. And I don’t think he really wanted to hurt me. He had other intentions. It was about my sister.

Dr. M.: I see it a little differently. No matter what his intentions were or what his motive was, what he did is definitely wrong.

Me: Yes, I agree! It was wrong and made me angry. But-... ugh, I don't want to discuss about that. I get a headache from this subject.... No joke, my brain hurts rn.

Dr. M.: Here, a glass of water. You need to stay hydrated..... Better?....Fine. Explain please. What made you so angry about Adam?

Me: Um... what he did! To me.... Why does this keep happening to me?? 😫 It makes me so sick!😡 ... Agh, anyway. Pls let's change the topic.

Dr. M.: It's okay. But you did well! You finally showed me your anger and let it out... Oh, but you didn’t have a panic attack after that, right?

Me: No! I had sex 3 weeks later and well, I’m pregnant. Looks like sex isn’t a prob for me anymore.🤷‍♀️But even before that, it worked quite well between Daniel & me as far as this is concerned. You were right! Daniel wasn’t the trigger for my panic.

Dr. M.: He felt so awful about that. He blamed himself. But I’m glad this at least went well for you two.

Me: I was dreaming about him.... Again. It felt so real... I still feel like he was really with me last night. I was in our apartment. I felt like we were still together. I cleaned up, did our laundry and at night, he really came to me in my dreams... I just want to know where he is?.. Why did he leave me? And if he comes back?

Dr. M.: Let’s say Daniel comes back. What could your life together look like? Some things have changed. You are pregnant and Daniel’s situation or condition may have changed too? Could you imagine continuing your marriage with him?

Me: For him, I would try. I would also forgive him, no matter what he did. But how can I be sure he won’t leave me again?

Dr. M.: Exactly!..... You also have to be aware that you are pregnant. But do you think Daniel would be able to help you with your Baby?

Me: Um... Idk? It's not his Baby. I'm not sure if he can deal with that? But he'd help me, I know that. However, all of this is more of a wishful thinking of mine and not reality. So... I’m going to file for divorce tomorrow.

Dr. M.: That sounds reasonable. You should definitely do this step, for yourself! One of you two has to take the first step towards enlightenment, which doesn’t mean, that it really has to come to a separation in the end. My personal opinion.... Daniel had enough time. It's time to act now!

Me: Almost 3 Months.... Nevertheless, I think I made too hasty decisions and let myself be misled by false facts.... And Nico, whenever he shows up in my life, it gets complicated.

Dr. M. : Tell me more about him. How did you feel when you saw him again after a long time?

Me:...... (Gosh!🤦‍♀️) ... Ahhmm.... yea. It was okay. Nothing special. 🤥

Dr. M.: 🤨... I can tell when you're fibbing.😉 But, let's try it this way! Ask me a personal question that interests you. If I answer, you will also answer my question about Nico.

Me: Hehe...Ok! Ahm??? Do you have kids and are you married?

Dr. M.: No, I don’t have kids, my patients are my kids. But yes, I’ve actually been married recently.

Me: OH, congratulations.

Dr. M.: Thanks! You even met him. He examined you at the clinic when we were planning to include you in the study.

Me: No! That Doc is your husband??.. Cool! He's really nice, Dr. M. Cute. 😉

Dr. M.: Thank you. I'll tell him later. He will surely be pleased about it. 😄... But now back to you, A. How was it for you to see Nico again.

Me: My cheeks felt burning hot. I was beaming & smiling all over my face. 🤦‍♀️🥰.... Agh yea, I was so happy. Even though I was totally nervous and excited, it felt like he's always with me. And I think he felt the same. He kept telling me I was pretty and... hot. But he didn’t kiss me .He.... had a fiancé. He didn’t want to cheat on her, but I think if I told him I wanted him, he wouldn’t have said no. He made hints in that direction, but I was disappointed. Agh, honestly? I knew he was in a relationship. I wasn’t quite sure, but-... yea. I got involved with him anyway. I just can’t say no to him. I wanted him and... just a day later, I got him.

Dr. M.: It is right to say it openly. Feelings of attraction feel strong. Certain factors can amplify all this, making it even more difficult to ignore those feelings. But how did you and he decide to continue?

Me: We talked a lot, especially about the past. There were some misunderstandings that Nico and I were able to resolve. The present is more the problem I think, his fiancée and of course Daniel.

Dr. M.: Would he accompany you here? Like Daniel did... I’m trying to help you. I think Nico has a strong, very strong influence on you. You told me about him before, and.....well! It would be good for you, but also for him, if you come here together. You think he’d be willing to talk to me?

Me: Rn, I'm not really sure?... But Nico has surprised me in recent weeks, in many ways... I’ll see him soon anyway. He’ll accompany me to my prenatal check-up. So yea, I'm gonna talk to him.

Dr. M.: I’m glad to hear he’s accompanying you.... Fine, A.! And please! Please take your pills regularly! Or do I really have to call you here every other day?

Me: No! Pls don't!... I’ll take care of myself, I promise.

Dr. M.: That's just what I was hoping to hear. All right! Then.... See you next week, I’d say.

Me: Sure!...Ok thanks, see you next week Dr. M.

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#ts4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #myrlgameplay #rl story #cw mental health #cw mental illness #cw panic attack

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contentment-of-cats · 11 months

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Death, birthdays, expectations, and still needing to pee.

Massive brain dump.

Writing is part of my process, and I am processing below the cut.

Mom passed this morning. Her nurse was sitting with her, then got up to check on another patient, and Mom left. It hurts more than I expected it would, it's more of a relief than I expected it could be. Her slide into dementia was horrifying not only for those who knew her, but FOR her. She knew at times that this was happening to her, and it was the ultimate body horror, where your brain turns on you. She was delusional at times, but they were rational delusions if that makes sense. They were plausible and that made them all the worse, I think.

Her stroke came, and comfort measures were implemented. It was her preference, stated clearly before and after the onset of dementia. Adult kids, never underestimate the impulse to Do Something despite those wishes. I fought it off again and again. Yes, she could have been taken to the hospital, had the MRI, been treated, maybe have a few more months in a body that was hemiplegic, bedbound, in need of contstant intervention. That would not have been love - and I did love her. I freely admit there was a time I did not.

Mom was a traumatized person, raised by traumatized people. Her love for me became conditional, and she was not a nurturing person. There were times when her frustration with me acting out my own trauma became physical at times. But as an adult her friends all said she was so proud of me. Our relationship was not healthy, and as an adult I've tried to move away from the conflict and pain. I see the frail, hurt, maladapted but brilliant, motivated, and passionate person she was. If she had been born a Millennial or Gen Z, the world would have a lot on its hands with her. I am a believer in reincarnation, if someone has a baby girl who tries to march out of her bassinet and take on the world, please hold and love and nurture her - she had a hard time.

Dear Universe, when you balance the scales, please take into account my forgiveness and the final forgiveness she gave me last year. Know that we reached peace with one another.

She passed when my BFAM and I were on the phone, talking about her memorial arrangements. It was almost as if she knew and said, "Okay. I am loved and cherished, they're Talking about me and the things I loved and valued. It's okay for me to go."

I will inform her friends today, and I am not looking forward to that.

For now it's good. I'm going to have a lot to process, but for now it is good.

My birthday is this week, and it's one I did not expect to have, considering the cancer that I had and my odds of remission. I did not even mark it last year. I was too sick from chemo and radiation. I did not formally enter remission until the end of December, six weeks after the major surgery. My cancer could come back, they test me every month and I will have a CT scan and colonoscopy this month to make sure it's gone. If it's come back, I don't know what I'll do. I'll cross that one as and if I come to it.

I could not feel less like celebrating considering the concatenation of circumstances, but I am marking it.

Mom did not die on my birthday, and I am thankful for that.

I'm alive. Not great, but alive. Living with the sword of Damocles over my head, but alive. Happy birthday to me.

There are horrible times in our lives when it feels as if the world should stop. Time should shut down and hold us in the moment and let us process. There are times when you cry enough that you feel as if all the tears have been spent and in that stillness, that there will never be any more tears ever again. That's not the case, is it? There will be more tears, more horrible stillness.

And in that stillness will come one thought, floating to the surface.

"I need to pee."

The world did not stop. Time did not shut down. You get up and go to pee.

#death #processing #health

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deepfanstrawberry · 9 months

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Going to post this here because I need to get this out somewhere were people can see it so that I stop bottling this all up

This post mentions some pretty negative relationship dynamics/behaviors, potential cheating, and complicated polyamorous feelings. If you don't have the space for that keep scrolling babes💕

My girlfirend and I have been official since November (we started seeing each other about a month before that). We moved in together in December because of her living situation with an ex, and I was dating someone else so it didn't seem like the major commitment it normally is when two people move in together. Things were really good, we were both really bust with work but it was good. We went out when we could find the time, we wrote each other notes, we watched movies, and painted together and couldn't stop talking even when we were apart.

Because of the nature of the start of the relationship there was never any question about if our relationship was polyamorous or not, but still I was having such a lovely time that I didn't bring up boundaries in the early days. Then in April we had back to back solo trips and she decided to have online chats with people. she was in another country alone and really I wouldn't have minded that she did this except that we hadn't talked about it before hand. it crushed me. it crushed my confidence in myself and in our relationship and dissolved my trust in her.

now even though its been moths and we've talked about it i'm really struggling. I wasn't prepared for her to act on that part of our relationship and i just don't understand why i don't get that kind of attention from her. i've been working on my own to process my feelings and even started seeing a therapist, but i still have a hard time.

i feel like she is lying to me about what she does and how she spends her time and what i mean to her. and in the rational parts of my brain i know she isn't lying to me she just doesn't tell me about every single chat she has (she doesn't need to). but i keep finding the occasional lie that keeps me in this state of distress. like her lying to me about moving furniture to take nudes that she didn't even send to me.

anyway i felt the need to write this all out because i just saw messages where she's exchanging nudes and telling someone else that she loves them. I'm trying to tell myslef that the other messages emphasizing their friendship mean that this other girl is no threat to me (and then getting upset with myself for thinking my partner potentially having another girlfriend is a threat). but my girlfriend told me that she only has chats with people that don't matter to her, because that's easy and fun and frankly meaningless, but it just feels like whatever is going on with this girl is different and has been going on since she was with her last partner (who she was in a monogamous relationship with).

i don't know what to do. every time i find one of these lies i absolutely spiral and get sick (like literally i threw up when i found out about the furniture). I want to confront her about it but i don't want to damage any of the healing that has been going on between the two of us because really things are so good. we're on our second lease together, we got a cat, and she's genuinely trying to learn how much communication and attention i need to feel cared for. breaking up is absolutely out of the question unless she lies about doing something more than just chatting with people online.

I used to have long term internet flings and lie to my partners about it, and so i know how they can be. i am just feeling so insecure?? I miss when things were easy and I wish I had never found out about what she does.

#lesbians #polyamory #polyamorous struggles #polyamorous relationships #sad thoughts #send help

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girlblogging9 · 2 years

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A flashback,a living memory

Screams silenced by an abuse

I have a lot of flashbacks,mainly because of legal issues regarding the abuser,these legal processes should have ended a long time ago,but he tries in every way to create situations (problems) so that it takes twice as long as normal and maintain a bond,that it is a form of torture that gives him pleasure.

This week I'm going to see my psychiatrist and ask him if there's any other medication that might help me with this mental torment that keeps me from sleep, so I'm going to report to him the specific flashback that's causing it. This memory was dormant for a while,but due to the abuser's persecution she decided to return,the brain "freezes" some trauma memories works as a defense and survival system,but when these memories come back they can destroy you.

It was one afternoon,he immobilized me on the living room floor and started to hang me,and I could barely breathe or scream and while he was doing that he was praying to the Christian God,asking his God for forgiveness and telling me that it would be okay to he kill me for my soul would go to heaven.

Away from my family,scared,extremely thin and sick physically and psychologically,I saw myself with no way out and felt suffocated. And I wondered how I'm going to get out of here,penniless,sick and how am I going to prove that I was abused and assaulted if I didn't film most of the abuse and he used my mental sequelae to manipulate me and make himself a "victim". For him this was all normal and I deserved it, so he acted like nothing had happened and on Sundays there he was praying to God in a church,I told his mother and his sister about the abuses but it was in vain, according to them I didn't pray enough and should be submissive,keep silent because a biblical woman doesn't confront her men.

These days these people go to church,post bible verses on their social media,try to maintain a perfect and pure reputation, evangelize and live as if they have done nothing wrong and are innocent. But I don't,I spend sleepless nights and live on medicine so I don't hear his screams in my mind saying he hated me,that he was going to kill me,insults,the pain I feel where my bones were broken and damages my whole diction.

They faithfully believe that they are good people and deceive a multitude of idiots around the world and that they will inhabit the magical paradise of Christians. They say my present suffering is the fault of my sins and I will burn in hell. If hell really exists as they say,I wish that every one of them would rot there one day and be abused every day by satan as they did me,that his screams for help be silenced, just as they silenced my screams.

It's very easy for them to go to church and pray,hide the blood on their hands and use God and appearance as a hiding place. But each of them confess everything they did to me and the situation they left me in none of them has the courage to say,in their perception the fact that they are Christians cancels the responsibility for their mistakes and crimes.

Every punch I took in my face I was forced to hear,PRAY,PRAY,PRAY IT'S YOUR FAULT. I spent years asking for forgiveness for things that weren't my fault but they never asked me for forgiveness for anything, his family always hiding what he really is and did.

That man hated everything about me, everything...My voice,my appearance,my illness,the fact that I didn't accept his double life,he used me until there was nothing left inside me and he always, always and always interpreted his behavior as normal. He managed to destroy something I dreamed of since my childhood,build a family nowadays I don't dream,I survive.

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lanadelspice · 1 year

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(5/6)

Sometimes it felt like you and Axel were like boyfriends because lord like he changed sm about you , ik you said that , that was your real you but i feel like it’s just a modified version of yourself to not let shit get to you , you put on this bad boy act and for what, you’re WEAK mentally , deep down ik you are just the way i am. what are you compensating for??? for the lack of balls you have. actually if you are ghosting me why couldn’t you be enough of a man and just rip off the bandage and just let me know you aren’t interested gosh, yes it would hurt me and take a lot of effort on your side but jeez it wouldn’t have me questioning my whole experience with you. you said “yeah thank you so much see yaaaa!!!” 24 hours ago. so i've been processing everything and i feel worse, i keep telling myself it’s gonna be better and i’m gonna move on but i feel stuck in the same place. i relied on you sm, you were an escape for me, i keep hoping maybe you’ll change your mind and text me. The other thing was that for once I wasn't chasing someone, you were the one after me. So when it was taken away it left a little void ig. I miss your face, your voice, your random “pretty cool” saying whenever it got quiet, or the cool story whenever you didn't exactly know what to comment on a story, the giggle you would get whenever you were nervous around me, your smell, your little awkwardness, the warmth of your skin. i’ve cried so much to the point i feel sick and nauseous. I do feel pathetic because ik you weren’t even my bf and it was just a thing but maybe that’s why it hurts more, there was never anything official but it felt official. I had talked to many ppl before you but none of them were met outside of school, and I never hung out with them outside of school as well. I actually hung out with you for hours at times so it made it easier for me to like you, I miss our little car hang outs and our chats we had. I sucks that you ended up being a cheater because i told you how shitty my life has been because of cheaters, i told you about my fucking parents and their situation, i’ve told you about such personal things in my life that ive never been confident enough to tell others. Maybe that’s why it also hurt when you mentioned you wanted to disappear. I remember you gave me a warning that you do this, maybe i was hoping that you would change or that i could “fix” that aspect of yourself. I maybe should have taken that warning more seriously. I lowkey have abandonment issues. I'm also a people pleaser. I told you that too , I even explained to you my method of being why I am the way I am. I wish you were able to be that comfortable with me, ik you had trust issues but I'm not like everyone else. Yes I get emotional and my logic goes away in a situation of stress but I was willing to be with you regardless of all your issues you said you have. you telling me you fight people and don’t know why you do it , i didn’t mind because i felt i could see past that.I wanted to know why your brain functioned the way it did. It's like genuinely I was intrigued with you as well.

#men aint shit #i hate men #this is a cry for help

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esresblog · 1 year

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Since I am going through one, I'm going to write about how depressive episodes feel for me. I had been feeling recently like I was faking everything again; this happens to me pretty often. I never feel like anything I'm going through is real, I always think that I'm just a horrible person who wants to trick people into pitying me for mental issues I don't have. However, I've been trying not to feel this way by going on that one fake disorder subreddit, just to see people being morons and uploading it online. I feel way better this way, cause I realize that they are so much worse than anything I could ever be.

It's just that, well, even though I've went through three different therapists and a psychiatrist, they all put excuses like "you don't want to know your diagnosis" or "I'm not allowed to tell you" etc. Which I think it's really stupid, because one of the worst triggers for me was feeling like no suffering would ever be enough, and that usually led to me sabotaging my life and emotions more to feel like I deserve to be miserable. That's not really healthy and I've been told it's a trauma symptom on itself, yet nobody seems interested on helping me with these doubts.

I did get a person once that had generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder next to my anorexia nervosa diagnosis, so that's when I really felt like I could claim that I actually have them, yet even that makes me feel like it wasn't enough and I'm tricking professionals now. I hate myself.

Anyway. I think a couple of people were curious about my thought process and everything, so I was going to write about my depressive episodes or triggers and that weird shit. I mean, it's nothing special really? They aren't really as bad as they go because I'm forced to go to school, shower, etc., and I still do, but when it hits me that hard it's genuinely so painful. It's the most soul breaking feeling I've ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't really know how to put it but it feels like everything is crumbling around me. Like my head is too heavy for me to carry, my arms can't really be lifted and my legs just want to give up and bring me down to the floor. I've never experienced such pain on my heart as when I'm deep into one of these; my chest literally aches and burns and I can feel it all the way up my throat. I can barely speak or I'll break down, I'm shaking and trembling, my teeth are applying pressure on my mouth, my face is pale and my eyebags are even darker than normally. It's like I get the life sucked out of me. I feel like a broken porcelain doll whose skin has been cracked and whatever is inside of it is leaking out. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to play my comfort games, or draw or anything. If I ever do, it's usually to try to distract me from the bad thoughts that always tag along.

But usually I have no energy; I can almost feel my brain rotting and melting and dying for those days / weeks / months. All I do is lay in bed, lock my body over my cushion or plushies, listen to sad music so I can get some tears out and cry bitterly while I try not to be heard. I can't even begin to express how bad it gets sometimes, I swear I feel like it's not only a mental illness but also a physical one. It weakens me like a fever and even getting up to go to the bathroom is such a big effort, comparable to any annoying quest in the hardest video games. That is, if my parents didn't already scream at me to do the things I hate, and didn't get mad at me when I look sad. Because studying or going to class while feeling like your soul is crumbling into pieces is not really nice, to say the least.

So to fix that little problem that only makes everything worse, I always end up acting like it's all just fine and I just feel a bit physically sick. Since they know that my physical body isn't really the healthiest either they always buy it. But it's so hard to keep the emotions act up, and just appearing happy around others just so they don't make you feel more miserable and gross that what you're already feeling. It's also so mentally draining to just literally pretend for hours and hours everyday, just being in the presence of people makes me gag and want to be dead. Sometimes I don't want to go out with friends for weeks on end. And when I do (which is usually to avoid silent treatments from family or because I'm just plainly forced to), I also need to put a smile on, or at least some concealer on my face. Sometimes what's even harder is to stop the happy act, because you get so used to it that your brain just automatically escapes to that fake scenario. Also because I despise myself so much that the mere thought of making someone put some effort in for me disgusts me and makes me feel so guilty and miserable, and so I need to appear like I don't need any help at all. Thankfully I'll learn how to stop that mentality soon; although I think I'm already making progress on it, so hopefully people will notice when I am kind of on the verge of another mental breakdown and I shouldn't be bothered with any more draining emotions.

Nevertheless, it really feels like my brain is not only trying to mentally kill me but also physically obliterate me, and that is not a pleasant thing to experience, even less for several weeks or months straight. Even in those episodes I have highs or lows, and I'd say I'm in a high right now since I have been energized enough to study a bit and play videogames with my friends, yet that void is still very obviously here with me. Low lows though, oh my god. Imagine not being able to breathe because you've been crying for three hours straight, your pillow is soaked of tears and snot and you're full of sweat produced by just those shaking movements. The other day I couldn't keep still, I just kept moving and flipping around and shaking my arms and punching any hard surface while biting my mouth wishing to stop because there was someone on the other line that was getting really concerned about me. That point of wanting to rip your hair out and stab your stomach to feel some mental peace for at least a few seconds. Oh it's such a painful feeling. You want to be reduced to nothing but dust and dirt .

It's really hard to explain in general, but I feel it in my head, like a dark cloud that partially blinds me. It's also kind of obvious because I find myself wanting to harm myself over the stupidest shit, and having suicidal thoughts over absolutely nothing. I usually sleep to have a clearer vision in the morning, because even a broken pencil carbon might drive me to the edge if it's a bad enough day. But even in "good" days the good things don't excite me as they should, the bad things hit way harder and I cannot process any negative emotions whatsoever without suffering the consequences, which usually end with at least two days of me drowning in the most absolute and desperate misery. I can also feel it in my stomach. Moving around. Blocking it. I can't eat. It stops my body functions. Maybe I eat too much. I also can't sleep well Or I sleep too much? I don't really know anymore, it just feels so restless. Everything feels restless. Me, the world even feels restless. I don't stop either sleeping or just resting on my bed, not doing anything. I don't move for days on end, I don't exercise and I don't think, I just isolate inside myself, yet my body feels so tired. I can't shower, barely eat, I can't brush my hair, I can't get to change my clothes. My own self is damaged, broken, worn out. If my meds are actually doing something, I can't imagine how bad these would be off them. And there's nothing I can do about it except wait for it to go away.

Honestly though, the medicine I take are antidepressants and antiobsessives, so they're supposed to help me with my obsessive thoughts and patterns and let me relax without this compulsive urge of following whatever my head dictates. However, it still feels so bad when I don't. Particularly, my most obsessive thoughts are usually about food, school and pain. My eating disorder goes specifically for the first one. That's another story really. In that aspect it is helping because I'm doing way better with my obsessions and food rituals. But my sense of self worth is still so distorted due to my accomplishments, body image and how valid I think I am. Sometimes I get triggered by an action, video or memory and I feel so trapped in it, as if I was back in that moment and I can't escape, and I need my comfort things, safe space or just whatever coping mechanism works to get out of there. Usually if it's really bad, nothing will really do. This is where things get a dark turn. Usually my head will start to hurt and everything spirals around me, my thoughts are all over the place and I can't make up a simple sensible pattern on them. All they tell me is destruction and violence and death and the end, and it's genuinely so pathetic and it sounds so edgy and dramatic, but I see red everytime. I can't control it. I don't know how to explain it at all. But I need to punch the walls until my knuckles are peeled, I need to hit myself until I get knocked out, or get burnt with hot water, get scratched with the sharpest nails or get ugly cuts all over myself, maybe get badly beaten or stabbed by someone who deeply hates me, maybe that someone should be myself. It's such a difficult feeling to express, yet it lives within those downs and it brings such impotence and desperation that all I can think about is how much I want it to be over. How much hatred I have towards myself and how much I desire that pain I deserve, or that ugly end to any suffering. Nothing is worth it. Nothing is of use. No matter how many 10s I get in glass, no matter how many funny videos or pretty pictures I draw, no matter how many hearts I can open or how many people open mine, I can swear that in those moments of absolute darkness all I can think about is to silent this voice in my head. Voice that comes with me every place I go, laughs at every fear of mine and repeats every sentence I despise to hear. It likes to remind me of my horrid insecurities every passing day, loves to flutter around while I rot because my own brain reminded itself how much it wants to stop existing. Because no matter how awful, heartbreaking and soul wrecking my sadness and anger are, nobody is going to believe it or validate it and I have to live with the knowledge that I will never be taken seriously. Because I have been experiencing that for at least four years. Because there is simply not point in trying anymore.

Now I vent when I want to, cry to the only people who are willing to listen and just swallow it until I'm able to fully express myself and leave behind this stupid fucking debilitating illness that everyone takes as a joke. Because I'm so fucking done with jokes. If anyone wants to laugh, they should go to my grave.

That's all.

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sicjimin · 3 years

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Sashimi Chain of Sickness 🍣

A.N : askjdbskd ok so the cat is out of the bag, finally me and @spence-sickfics can post our babies here :D a chain of sickness in bangtan’s dorm ! idk what else to tell, but we have a fun time working it and i hope you guys enjoy this story as much as we enjoy writing it ! :D here we go for the first day ~ it’s a long ride but i hope you like it :] ((you can read it on @spence-sickfics blog too!))

Sickie : Namjoon and Jungkook // Caretaker : Yoongi, Taehyung

TW : emeto

Day One:

(by sickyoonminie)

Namjoon curled his body smaller. He’d been awakened early by a series of cramps seizing through his stomach. He pressed his palm deeper into his stomach, hoping that the pressure might alleviate the cramps.

But it failed.

He rolled onto his back and let out an exhausted groan. His right hand mindlessly stretched to his phone on the nightstand. He squinted when the bright screen hit his eyes. 7AM.

He let the phone plop down before nuzzling himself deeper to the pillow. He tried to sleep again but nothing was working, so he got up from his bed, stretching his arms high above his head.

After a quick shower, he put on fresh clothes, and headed downstairs.

"Joonie, why are you up so early?" Seokjin greeted him from the kitchen, his hand busy with the toast and scrambled egg. For some reason, the sight of food made Namjoon’s stomach swirl. He feels full, despite not eating anything since last night.

"Can't sleep again", he mumbled as he set himself to water. Gulping it down in one go. He frowns when it feels heavy on his stomach.

Something is wrong with him.

But he shrugs it off. Maybe it's his nerves, or maybe he's too exhausted.

"You want some?", Seokjin asks, placing the scrambled egg on top of the toasted bread. Namjoon shakes his head, taking another gulp of water.

Seokjin takes one for himself before sitting next to Namjoon.

After that, it’s silence between them. But the members started going downstairs one by one, and it didn't take long before the kitchen became “lively”.

Namjoon tries to fall into conversation, but he just—didn't have the energy for that.

" You okay, Joon-ah?", Yoongi slides quietly beside him as they walked to their car.

"Huh? What do you mean hyung?"

Yoongi shrugs, "I don't know. You look a little off today, or maybe that was just my feeling"

Namjoon hums, glancing at him as they get inside their car. They sit in the middle seat.

"I just, don't get enough sleep", Namjoon sighs and leans on the window.

" You should stop caved in your studio", Yoongi mumbles, gaining a scoff from the younger, "Says you hyung"

Yoongi chuckles, "Try to sleep for few minutes"

And maybe Namjoon will comply.

—

It's Namjoon's fault that he just brushed off the uncomfortable feeling in his body this morning. As a result, he just feels worse by now.

He curled on the couch in his studio. He's shivering, despite the air conditioner being off. His hand settled on his stomach that has been so upset, like nauseous, but at the same time it feels bloated too.

Everything just felt off for him.

A sudden knock interrupts his thoughts. He groans before getting up. His muscles ache.

"Hyung! Are you busy? We want to get dinner!"Jungkook's doe eyes and bunny smile is the one who greeted him as he opened the door.

Namjoon leaned on the door, feeling tired.

"We? Is everyone coming?"

Jungkook nods, "Yes! Even Yoongi-hyung"

Namjoon contemplates for a second. Maybe he just needs to eat to make everything that has been going on in his body go away. If he thinks about it, his appetite hasn't been the best as he was too busy with the album preparation.

He sighs before mustering a smile "Tell them to wait for me. I'm coming"

Jungkook nods before giving him a thumbs-up, "Thank you, hyung!"

—

"Woah, this place is .. crowded", Hoseok chimed in, throwing his arms around Namjoon's shoulder as they stepped into the restaurant. Namjoon wants to bat it away, as it pressed his sweater to his skin that had been prickling uncomfortably because of his fever. But he's too lazy to do it.

" Don't worry, we had booked a secluded place", Seokjin says from behind.

Taehyung walks alongside Namjoon as they all walk to their table. Taehyung grabs the chair closest to the door before he sits down, while Jimin sits beside Taehyung. He scoots closer to Jungkook in the corner, as Yoongi takes the seat directly across from Jimin and beside Namjoon. Seokjin and Hoseok settle on the remaining orders, and Namjoon orders the same dish as Jungkook and Seokjin. Sashimi. It suits for dinner as it's not too heavy but enough to make him full. The waiter leaves as soon as their order comes. Namjoon lets out a breath as he relaxes.

They were having a nice meal, talking, and laughing. Namjoon can see that they're having fun. And the food is nice. He even got three servings, hoping that eating more could somehow drown out the pain in his stomach.

It was just as he finished his third plate when he felt an odd sense of pain in his tummy, and for some reason, the sashimi tasted funny too. He glanced at Seokjin and Jungkook. They seem fine, munching happily. He shrugs, maybe it's only his tongue messing with him. He had been felt off the whole day anyway.

He decided to just let it go. He'll think about it later.

—

"Hyung", Jungkook calls him when they are seated on the couch, everyone was retreating to their room. Ready to go to sleep.

" Hm?" Namjoon hums, not opening his eyes. He's tired. He's full. It feels like energy just sucked out of his body. And he could feel his fever going worse too.

"Um, are you feeling fine?", Namjoon tilts his head, looking at the younger with a frown, "What?"

"I mean. The sashimi .. it was fine, right?", Jungkook bites his lip, fiddling with his fingers. His eyes were wide, afraid of what Namjoon would say.

"What?", Namjoon blinks, "Yeah. Yes, it was".

"Oh."

Namjoon opens his mouth. Then closes it.

"Then maybe my tongue is just being funny", Jungkook said. A slight grin on his face. It looks more forced than usual. " Okay then I will get ready for bed, hyung. Go to bed soon, you look tired,", he adds, giving a squeeze on Namjoon's shoulder before he retreats to his and Namjoon’s shared bathroom.

Namjoon looks at the younger's retreating figure before looking at his hands. There is a dull pain in his stomach which started to hurt right after Jungkook asked him that. He doesn't like that. And he doesn't like the suspicion that comes after.

He stands up, heading towards his bedroom. Freshens his body and downing a Pepto-bismol along with some fever medicine that Seokjin bought a few months ago.

Maybe, it was just him being paranoid—in addition to his off-ish body the whole day.

It will be fine after he sleeps. Right?

— —

Night One:

(written by spence-sickfics)

Jungkook hadn’t been able to go to sleep until almost midnight. It seemed all the other boys had agreed on going to bed early, as everyone was most likely preparing for another long day at the studio. Jungkook, however, was too uncomfortable to sleep. Uncomfortable, mostly in his head. A nagging worry about Namjoon’s quietness throughout the day. Another worry, that the sashimi tasted kind of off. A bigger worry, maybe that Namjoon was sick or hurt and that’s why he ate so much. After knowing the leader for ten years, Jungkook was familiar with Namjoon’s tendencies to conceal any sort of discomfort he felt physically. And Jungkook also knew that the leader liked to eat a lot at meals that he didn’t want to talk at. To keep his mouth busy, probably. Maybe Namjoon was sick from the sort of strange-tasting sashimi? No, that didn’t make sense. He was acting weird before that. And if that was true, then both Jungkook and Seokjin should be sick by now. Come to think of it, though, Jungkook was noticing a dull ache in his belly as the hours ticked by.

Speaking of the hours, he’d lost track of time by around eleven pm. Namjoon was asleep in bed beside him by that point, in fact, he assumed everyone was asleep except for him. Jungkook had tried to go to sleep for around thirty minutes, but to no avail as the pain in his upper stomach grew. He’d taken a single painkiller at around 10pm, going back to bed and looking at his phone. But whatever he had taken wasn’t doing much to cover up the twisting sensation he experienced. He’d been able to distract himself, though, dully scrolling through social media and wishing he could fall asleep. He wondered if it’s what Namjoon had been feeling like every night recently, he’d overhead Seokjin and Yoongi expressing concerns for the leader’s insomnia. Whatever it was, though, Jungkook was able to fall asleep upon taking the painkiller. It hadn’t done much, but it had fogged up his brain enough to let his worries fade away.

Jungkook woke up again at around two in the morning, to a sharper stabbing pain in his stomach that made tears well up in his eyes. He sat up quickly, placing and arm over his middle and realized how sick he felt. His stomach looked horribly bloated, it felt like the contents were fighting to get out and it was making too much noise. He felt nauseous, not in a particularly heavy way, but more the feeling of disgusting sickness. He felt Namjoon stir, but not wake next to him. Jungkook needed his hyung’s comfort badly, but didn’t want to wake up Namjoon as he knew how tired he must be. His stomach was rolling as he let a quiet burp escape him and moaned quietly, putting his head in his hands. He hiccuped, and a wave of vomit splashed in the back of his throat. Before he could even process what was really going on, Jungkook clamped a hand over his mouth and ran out of the room, into his and Jimin’s shared bathroom. At that point, he bent over the sink and let the surge of vomit come out from his mouth. He winced at the sight of barely-digested sashimi. It must have been bad, he thought before his stomach cramped and he was sent into another wave of throwing up. He kept feeling his throat constricting with gags, feeling fearful for a minute until he felt a warm hand on his back and saw the lights turn on.

“You’re okay, Kook,” Namjoon whispered, his voice hoarse from sleep. Jungkook panted, then turned on the water to wash the sink out. “You all done?” Namjoon asked, and Jungkook nodded. He still felt terrible. Lucid. He knew he didn’t have a fever and he didn’t feel like throwing up again but his stomach was killing him.

“Yeah, sorry Joon, I just feel really sick all of the sudden. I think it was the sashimi. Do you feel sick too?” Jungkook asked as Namjoon guided him to a seated position on the ground together.

Namjoon swallowed, and Jungkook saw how pale the older looked. “No, not really,” Namjoon said lowly. His words were punctuated by a low gurgle from his stomach, and Namjoon paled further.

“That didn’t sound ‘not really sick’, Joon,” Jungkook offered.

“Yeah, says you,” Namjoon mumbled, “Worry about yourself.” Namjoon hadn’t meant to come off so sharp, but being distracted from what he felt like was his job to take care of Jungkook was the worst. The pain in his stomach had gotten worse too, making him more irritable and a sense of nausea was now bothering him too.

Jungkook frowned. “I’m sorry, hyung.” He looked sad to be scolded, and Namjoon instantly felt terrible for speaking to him in such a way. He wanted to apologize, but he felt nausea rising in his chest along with the guilt. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a gag and he leaned over the toilet, shutting his eyes tight and breathing heavily while waiting for it to come. Jungkook’s eyes went wide before he went over to put a hand on Namjoon’s back, and patted gently as vomit came rushing out of Namjoon’s mouth and splashed into the toilet. His body was shaking badly, likely a product of fever. It looked more than painful.

Jungkook felt himself get nauseous again just watching Namjoon and had to stand up before gagging again and throwing up a bit more into the sink. Namjoon was heaving, probably too loudly to hear Jungkook getting sick anyways. When Jungkook was done, he returned to Namjoon, who finished up a few seconds later after a few quiet dry retches.

“Namjoon,” Jungkook whispered, “Shit, you are sick. Lay down, please.” Namjoon obliged and lay as far as he could, upper body resting on the edge of the bathtub and hands over his face.

“Jungkook, can you please get Hoseok or something? I feel awful,” Namjoon admitted and Jungkook looked at him. His stomach was bloated, face pale and sweaty. He looked awful, and Jungkook almost said yes. But he was suddenly feeling really nauseous again, and his stomach was hurting worse.

“Uhm, I’m not sure if I can--huhghh--” Jungkook tried to speak but was cut off by a violent gag as he went back to the sink and threw up again, more undigested food pouring out in a thick stream from his stomach. It was Namjoon this time to stand up shakily and put a much-too-warm hand on the younger’s back, still feeling feverish but wanting to help Jungkook badly. He rubbed the back gently, until Jungkook was reduced to dry gags. His face felt sweaty as Namjoon pulled back the overgrown black hair into a ponytail to avoid getting it stuck in vomit. Namjoon’s hands were shaking badly, and Jungkook swore he could feel the body heat radiating from the older.

“Ughh, Namjoon, I’m so sorry,” Jungkook muttered, sliding a hand up under his shirt to put on his stomach, “My stomach hurts so bad, hyung.” He turned around to look at Namjoon, who still looked pale. Eyes half-shut, not able to pay attention to whatever Jungkook was saying. The singer gently placed a hand on Namjoon’s forehead and frowned when he felt how warm it was. “Oh, gosh, hyung, you feel warm.” Namjoon hummed in agreement, opening his eyes slightly. Jungkook was unsure what to do, still feeling sick himself when he saw Taehyung walk through the door. His eyes were puffy from sleep, but he could still see the situation at hand and was concerned immediately.

“Jungkook-ah? Namjoon-ah? Are you guys sick?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.

Jungkook nearly cried from relief. “I was sick a couple times, and he was too, I think he has a fever, thank you for coming, Tae.”

“Huh? Why are you sick? How is Namjoon even standing up, his eyes are closed?” Taehyung’s brain was too foggy from sleep.

“I think the sashimi, but maybe Namjoon-hyung was sick from something else too, he has a fever. He’s falling asleep right now, at first he was holding me up but now I’m holding him up, as you can see.” Jungkook responded, and cleared his throat. “Can you please get him some fever medicine? I can’t take care of him, my stomach still feels so sick.”

“Yeah, of course, please lay him down for a second. He needs some rest. I’m gonna get some medicine, and, uh...Seokjin-hyung. I’ll get him too. You don’t have a fever?” Taehyung responded.

“No, I feel really awake and lucid actually. My head is clear, it’s just my stomach, which --” he paused to inhale shakily as a worse cramp wracked his stomach “--could you get some medicine for, please?” Jungkook said.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be right back.” Taehyung left the room. Jungkook spoke gently to Namjoon.

“Hey, let’s sit down for a second, Joon. Just rest a little and we’re gonna give you some medicine,” he said. Namjoon nodded and sat down, resting his back on the wall. His eyes were open, but glossy and not really looking at anything in particular. “Gosh, Namjoon, it really seems like throwing up made you so much groggier, yeah?” Jungkook tried to joke, but no response. Namjoon just closed his eyes slightly. Jungkook frowned in worry and felt the leader’s forehead again. Somehow, it felt warmer than before. And crap, he’d forgotten to ask Taehyung to bring a thermometer. He’d probably remember it anyway, though. And Jungkook was looking forward to nothing more than being able to rest. He could still feel the cramps twisting in his stomach, and he’d been able to bear through them for the past few minutes but now he wasn’t sure if he could do it anymore. He was beginning to feel sicker by the second, too. His lower stomach was churning as well, and it felt almost like there was a rock sitting in his stomach. He wanted to feel better so badly. His fingers played with his small ponytail, as they always did when he got anxious. The worst part of this was he knew what food poisoning felt like. He knew that this would last much longer than just a few hours, and he hated nothing more than feeling sick and useless. He needed more than anything a few cuddles from Taehyung once he got Seokjin taking care of Namjoon. Jungkook sighed to himself as he thought about it. A cuddle and a stomach rub from Taehyung was the best thing he could possibly imagine. Just a few more minutes.

A few minutes went faster than Jungkook predicted, and it felt like no time had passed when Taehyung came through the door again, followed by Yoongi this time. Jungkook stood up, “Tae, why is Yoongi here? I thought you were going to get Seokjin,” Jungkook asked.

Taehyung shook his head. “Yoongi said that Seokjin was complaining that his stomach hurt really badly before he went to bed. He ate the sashimi too, so he’s probably sick.” Taehyung paused. “Jungkook, let me take you to my room and get back to bed. You look really pale.”

Jungkook nodded. “Be gentle with him though, Yoongi, he’s so tired.” Yoongi nodded in understanding and kneeled down close to Namjoon as Taehyung helped Jungkook stand up. They were halfway out the door before Yoongi spoke.

“Taehyung. He has a fever of nearly 101 degrees (38.5 celsius). Should I call the staff?” Taehyung turned back around.

“101 isn’t too high. Just let me know if it gets worse. I’m bringing Jungkook to my room, and since I don’t have a roommate right now we won’t wake anyone up. You should bring Namjoon back to your and Seokjin’s bed. Keep an eye on them both, okay?” Taehyung responded, still gently using his hands to stabilize Jungkook.

“Sounds good,” Yoongi said, and Taehyung walked off with Jungkook. "Come on, Kook-ah. Let's get you to rest, hm?"

Yoongi kneels down as well in front of Namjoon who looks in pain, brushing his damp hair slightly, “Joon-ah, let’s rest too?”

#bts sickfic #bts emeto #tw emeto #tw vomit #sick!namjoon #sick!jungkook #caretaker!taehyung #caretaker!yoongi #ryu's collab first part

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meenah-chan · 3 years

Text

Solace

A Belphegor x GN! MC fanfic

3.14k words

Genre: Angst

Trigger warning: mention of death. Read at your own discretion.

Requested by: @belphiesimpalways thank you for patiently waiting for this. Supposedly, this is for your birthday but still, belated Happy Birthday to you!! This became a little bit too long, and I actually changed the whole thing twice 😅😅 I changed the title too to prevent confusion, hope you don't mind.

He lost it the day he lost his beloved sister. A place to call his home. Yet he met them. The one who brings light to his dark days. But what shall he do, when this solace was never been his?

“How I wished I didn’t met you at all.”

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

He can hear the harrowing sound of the clock, ringing inside the closed space. As if it were imitating his increasing pulse. Belphegor couldn’t open his eyes. He won’t though, even if he can. He fears he’ll see it again. The agonizing sight of that cursed attic, where he is trapped, cold and lonely. Each click, each clack drives him on a brink of madness.

Somebody please make it stop..! Curled up in his bed, writhing in anguish, Belphegor tried to block the sound with his trembling hands.

Let me out… I hate this place...

“It is for your own good.” Lucifer’s voice reverberates throughout the whole room. His guide light and the hero of his stories… once upon a time, that is.

For my own good? This place was a nightmare! He was imprisoned! He was trapped inside his head, with nothing but bleak thoughts!

He felt cold, with no one to hold onto. With no Beelzebub or Lilith, ready to embrace him when he’s afraid…

Ahhh…

Right…

Even if he managed to escape that place, there’ll be no more Lilith to hold him. To comfort him. To make him laugh of joy and happiness. No more… Lilith is no more…

“...Belphegor?” he snapped his eyes open and suck in a deep breath, as if the voice pulled him out of the deepest pit of the abyss. His heart was beating fast, bathed in his own sweat.

It was just another dream. He was not trapped in the attic any more. He was freed, by the person with him right now, sitting beside his bed, a few weeks ago. “Are you alright? You’re sweating buckets and squirming in your sleep.”

“I’m fine. It was just pretty hot in here.”

They stared at him for a moment before replying. “...If you say so… Wait, let me get you some water and a change of clothes.” unconsciously he raised his hand, fingers tugging on the hen of their shirt which stopped them from their tracks.

“Don’t need one… Just stay here and be my pillow.” Still, feeling a bit anxious of being alone, he didn't let go.

“That won’t do. You’re so drenched. If you don't change clothes and rehydrate, you might get sick. I'll be back in a jiffy.” Yet as they swiftly pried his hand off their clothes, he couldn't do anything but to watch them stride out of the room.

He sighed, recollecting the series of events from the time he met them. “...What a weird person...” He muttered under his breath.

A few weeks ago… Just a few weeks ago, they succeeded in freeing him... Just a few weeks ago, they died by his hands... Yet, they kept on approaching him like nothing had happened.

But oddly enough, he also couldn't get them off his mind; to want them by his side. The only time he could find his peace of mind is when he's with them.

I guess I'm weird too...

Silently, he observed them. The way they speak and walk. The way they would scold him when he chose to nap over catching up his missed lessons. The way they tap and hum unconsciously, while studying with him to encourage him to do so. Those awkward laughs they made as they tried to mend the rift between him and his brothers. The sighs left their lips as his brothers fought over who would have them. The slow and silent steps they make to slip away. The way they wink and place a finger over their lips and pull him with them.

Especially the way their eyes disappear when they're smiling. He can never describe how soothing it was, that smile.

...until he suddenly felt it wasn't.

The way they make the very same smile to Lucifer, Belphegor couldn't help but feel a little bit too irritated. Yes, it was Lucifer. He’s naturally annoyed by him, after what he's done. But this is a little bit different from his usual displeasure.

The youngest just wanted to pry the human off him and drag them away. He knew he couldn't suppress the burning sensation rising from the pit of his stomach. He also knew he'll regret what he wanted to do. He'd look possessive. Delusional. He may even hurt them in the process. So, he chose to escape the scene instead, into the attic which was once his prison.

“Belphegor! I got... and you're asleep.” the demon dares not open his eyes as he hears them make their way to him. “You didn't even remove your uniform...or your shoes. I'm really amazed how you can fall asleep in a matter of seconds.” They carefully remove the shoes and socks from his soles.

Oh no... That's not a good thing. For every touch of their skin sends tingles throughout his entire body. Each cell screaming in a way he never felt before. The bed shook as they crawled in, reaching for the buttons of his vest. He was at his wit's end, completely conscious of the human's presence.

Before they could ever reach for the last row of buttons, his hand stopped them before he lose it.

“What do you think you're doing?”

“Y-You're awake?!” Before they could ever pull back, he tugged them in his chest, flustering the human even more.

“H-Hey, let go. Your uniform will get wrinkled.” They tried squirming out to no avail. The demon is just too strong to make him budge.

“Don't want to.” To hide his warm and probably beet red face, he clasped their nape and keep their face over his shoulder.

“I still haven't changed out of mine.”

“Hmm, goodnight...”

“Hey...” after a few more stirring in vain, they just sighed and let the youngest have it his way.

This is bad. Thought Belphegor. The annoyance he felt a while ago dissipates as fast as it builds up inside of him. Still, his heartbeats and head were in utter chaos, the time he held them so close. He said he’s returning to slumber, yet his heart showed no signs of ever slowing down. He bet they could hear it, but he have no more energy to even mind it. After all, amidst the chaos in him, could also feel he won’t be getting any nightmares right now.

“Say Belphegor. Do you have a fever? You’re hot and your heart’s beating a bit too fast.”

“Just tired from the extra work a while ago. I just need some rest.”

“If you say so...”

He could no longer deny this feeling inside him.

He… fell in love with a human. He found it, the peace to his raging storm. The salve to his wounds. But they can never be his solace.

He lost it the day he lost his beloved sister. He lost his home. His freedom. He doesn’t have anything but his disgusting self, who could only obsess over keenly observing each and every move they make. Like a stalker. Like a creep. Like a predator eyeing its prey.

But they were never been his. And the day they learnt of his habit is the day they will be disgusted by him.

“Lucifer!” and the fact that they were attached to his eldest brother— the one who robbed him of his freedom once— didn’t help.

They would link arms around his. Heck, even snuggled to it as they do so, with that widest smile upon their face. The small giggles they give off as the abomination in the form of his brother praised them while petting them. Oh, how he wanted to just cut off that hand straying onto them! How dare he touch–

…them that might have already belonged to him, long before he could enter the picture…?

No. There's just no way that heartless brother of his to fall for a mere human. That brother who bowed down to a demon the day his sister died. And the human who taught him how to love again, to fall for Lucifer. That’s just… impossible… It’s just too cruel…

But I love them too! I can love them more than that fiend who chose a demon over his family!

“No, you’re much crueler…” He could hear the whispers at the back of his mind. “Have you forgotten what you did? You killed them. Do you think you have any rights to even lay a finger on them? You spiteful, wretched, monster…”

…Right… He has no rights to have them… He lost it before he could realize the weight of his actions… It was the painful truth. A punishment for a sinner like him. He could regret it until his last breath but he could never be forgiven.

He doesn't deserve to have a place in their heart. Never. Never…

The door to the twins’ room creaked open and he knew exactly whose footsteps it was without the need to look. “Belphegor, Lucifer gave me some sushi. You like this, right? Let’s eat it while it’s fresh.”

Lucifer again, huh...

“It’s yours. Eat it yourself.” There’s no more point in fighting a lost battle.

Let it grow, “Ehh? But you like—”

“Let’s stop this.” … or let it go.

“…Huh? Stop what?”

He also fears what he might do in the future due to this rotten affection of his. “Just as I thought, I couldn’t stand humans. You’re so naïve and trusting. I’m already fed up with dealing with your antics.”

“Wait, I don’t understand…” They asked, confusion and unease were all over their face.

“You don’t? Then let me explain in a way you’ll understand in that small, gullible brain of yours.” He took a deep breath. He needs to keep his cool or he will definitely break in front of them, “Everything is all an act. You thought I like being with you? Think again, fool. Having a human around me fills me with nothing but wrath and anger! Who do you cause my nightmares!? Your race disgusts me to death! Just looking at you makes me want to puke!”

“B-Belphegor… please tell me you’re kidding.”

“Kidding? Do I look like I’m joking?” he scoffed, holding back the pain clawing in his chest. “Be thankful for my brothers. If not because of them, you won’t be alive the second time, nor your ignorant race are.

“I won’t touch a hide of you or any human. So please, stop bothering me anymore.” being unable to stifle the emotions on the verge of bursting, he turned his back on the devastated human.

This is for the best. He’s back in his cage. Staring at the lacework of the long-lived spiders on the ceiling. He already witnessed its threads wear and replace countless of times. That might not even be the same spider he saw on his first night there. He could care less. After all, the only time he was truly curious of a being is when he met them.

How he wished the thread of his feelings were as flimsy as the spider’s. That way it’ll fall off over time. It can simply be cut off when it comes on his way.

“How I wished I didn’t meet you at all.” He knows it well. He is a big liar. In some way or another, just like the firstborn. But they deserve him more than his wretched self.

Lucifer, he was the morning star. The fact that both heaven and hell were captivated by his beauty and excellence. But Belphegor… he was nothing but a bleak abyss. He once dreamt of his brother’s greatness. Yet he couldn't be anything. He, miserable and empty, who only had nothing but guilt, regrets and a broken heart— as he watched them weep.

It’s been weeks since then. They never approached him like he said. Neither in the dining table nor classroom do they discern his presence. It was painful, but he can take it. The only unbearable one he felt is catching them cry— in Lucifer’s arms.

How long are they going to cry? Is it still because of him? No… This is for the best...

This is his atonement. His fate. He still couldn’t have anything, yet he already lost everything. His—

Lucifer… He is staring at him straight in the eye. I should leave.

But Belphegor couldn’t leave. Not after the eldest gave him that sly smirk. What does that mea…

Lucifer didn’t give him time to think. “Wha, Lucifer…?” Sound of confusion left their mouth as Lucifer grabbed their chin firmly between his index and thumb, with the menacing look on his face. “What are you—!”

And the gap between their faces disappeared. “Hmph!” The sight of the futile struggle of his beloved in the hands of the man he entrusted them to… made the youngest snap.

“LUCIFER!!!” His horns and tail materializing, he lunged towards him. His clenched fist flying in the air, aiming for his jaw. Yet, as if expecting it, Lucifer evade him, loosening his grip on the stunned human in the process. Belphegor saw this as a chance to pry them away from his brother’s hands, before jumping a few meters away from him.

“When are you going to learn to clean after your own mess, Belphegor?” As if the devious smirk were never been present on his face, Lucifer looked at them with his usual expression.

“What the hell?! You’re the one who assaulted them!!” He snarled like a wild animal, holding his treasure protectively from the threat.

“I didn’t do anything. Ask them yourself.”

“Ask? Do you think I’m blind?!” His stance became stiffer, fangs sheathed and glaring sharply at his brother, who is unfazed.

A light tug on his collar made his eyes soften, and caused him to realize his tight grip on them in which he loosen. “Are you hurt?”

“N-No… Lucifer’s saying the truth… He didn’t kiss me. I was just a bit confused he pressed his thumb over my lips.”

“.... What? Okay, but still—!”

“Do you think I’m a fool, Belphegor?” Lucifer cut him off, “I know what you’re planning. I'm already your brother for thousands of years.”

“...”

“Do you now understand the consequence of your foolish action? You left someone important to you in the care of others. But you didn’t think that sort of thing might actually happen?”

“But it’s you who they love!”

Lucifer’s frown deepens, “Even if it were some lesser demon they’re in love with, I bet you'll leave them in their care.”

“I...” He… Lucifer’s right… No one's more dangerous for them than himself.

Belphegor's horns and tail disappeared as he calms down, processing what his brother is saying.

“Everyone’s dangerous in Devildom, you fool. If you really are sorry for what you did, protect them instead.”

“Protect? But… But I...” Ignoring him, the eldest glanced at the person between the youngest’s arms.

“Do you already get what I’m saying Y/N?” They nod. “Not only are you both foolish and stubborn, but also blind. Now fix this yourselves. I’m done with your drama.” pinching the bridge of his nose, Lucifer left them in that awkward position without another word.

“...I’m really sorry. I was afraid to hurt you more than I already did.” After a moment of silence, Belphegor decided to break it first.

“You already did, you idiot.” Wiping the stray tears on their puffy eyes, Belphegor gave them a sad smile. “I guess I did.”

“But I still don’t think this is alright. Shouldn’t you be a bit more wary around me? I mean you already… died in my hands once.”

“You brat. Do you think I’d cry like that if I we’re okay with not being with you? I've never held a grudge against you in the first place.” They pout.

“Why? How can you forgive me that easily?” The demon frowns at them.

“Well, wouldn't life be more wonderful if we know how to forgive and forget?”

Frustrations were evident in his eyes, Belphegor's frown deepens. “That's not right… I killed you mercile—”

“Then shouldn't I be asking you? Why can't you forgive yourself?” He didn’t answer. Mistakes have already piled up as is.

Forgive himself? Why? Does he hate himself?

...Yes... I probably do... He loathed himself. terribly so... But they, who tasted the his abhorrence. He couldn't understand how they didn't.

“You want you to find happiness.” They cupped his disgruntled face in their palms, foreheads touching as they gave him comfort.

“I can’t.” with glassy eyes, he held a hand on his cheeks, “Not when you are my happiness. Not when you liked my brother.”

“You really are blind. And here I thought I was just assuming things.” their giggles were like music to his ears. Their orbs were like the placid sky set upon him. “You really are blind. And here I thought I was just assuming things.”

“I love you, idiot.” And their words, with no hint of doubt or hesitation, hit him like a surge. It made his feelings overflow, coursing throughout his entire body, and finally spilling on every corner of his eyes. It made him unable to speak. “I’m not even hoping for you to feel the same. I just wished to stay by your side… and for you to cherish yourself like how I’ve been to you.”

Belphegor felt so happy beyond words. Such indescribable feelings swirling inside him, one that he can’t put into words. With so much running inside his head, the only line he could form is… “Thank you.”

Weeping, but from so much joy this time, they huddled in each other's grasp, not caring of their setting, until their hearts finally felt whole again.

And after such a blissful moment, “...that’s it? No I love you too?” They spoke.

“What are you saying? I already said I love you.”

“No you didn’t. Saying I’m your happiness and confessing are separate things.” they frown at him, expecting.

“It’s the same.” Yet knowing how stubborn the demon is, the human raised their white flag, although disappointed.

“Okay, alright…” They sighed, wiping his eyes with a tear-stained handkerchief. “Why am I the one comforting you anyways? I’m the one crying because of you.”

Belphegor smiled mischievously, like he didn’t cry a while ago. “Because I’m the youngest.”

“Ugh, why did I fall for a spoiled brat?” Another sigh left them as they pulled him up, “Let's go, I’m sleepy.”

Yet as soon as he rose on his feet, he placed his arms on the back of their knees and shoulder blades to carry them, gaining a small yelp from them.

“Hey...” no protest managed to leave their lips as he sealed it with a chaste kiss. Probably not their first but it was the sweetest one. It only last a few seconds, but Belphegor knew fully well. This memory will last forever.

“I love you more, my solace.”

#I seriously don't know what I did here XD #hope you liked it tho #jumping to the next request tomorrow~~ ヾ(≧▽≦*)o #obey me fanfic #obey me belphegor #obey me belphegor x reader #obey me belphegor x mc #obey me boys #obey me #obey me masters #obey me swd #obey me shall we date #meenah-chan's babey fics~~#meenah-chan~~

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extraintrovertedalien · 3 years

Text

It hurts a little bit too much

'It’s time to grow up. I’m finally doing something that people enjoy! Something that people take time to pay attention to! Why can’t you understand that!'

Au August

Day/Prompt: Day 2 - Acting

Ship: Prinxiety, brief platonic moxiety

Word count: 1780

Cw: swearing / yelling (I'm sorry) / self-deprecation / crying / La la Land spoilers? (some people haven't watched it)

A/N: This is solely based on La La Land but I changed a few things that may change the direction of the story than what was actually in the film and this is my first time writing something angsty so forgive me angst gods </3 Also, Roman wants to be a Broadway actor but signed as a pop band singer instead. Virgil is still like Mia but not as headstrong

@tsshipmonth2020

Virgil has been with Roman for quite a while now. Roman has recently signed a contract for a pop band with his old friend, Janus, despite their doubt about the guy. Virgil wasn’t exactly pleased with what he witnessed when he was invited to one of his partner’s concerts. With the single confused tear left on the venue floor, Virgil has been worried since then about what Roman has gotten himself into.

~*~*~

Virgil was returning home after his dinner out with his friend, Patton; the only person keeping him stable since Roman left for… Boston? Maybe Dallas? He stopped keeping track a while ago.

When he reached the porch of their apartment, he hears the faint instrumental of ‘Only Us’ playing inside. He continues inside to see his partner setting up the table, his back facing him. “Roman?” The man suddenly drops the pot he’s holding on the table and turns to him. Roman let out a sigh of relief before flashing a small endearing smile to Virgil. “Surprise?” The taller man says in a small breathy voice, almost a whisper. “I have to leave in the morning but, I just had to see you,” he continues.

Virgil freezes for a moment before rushing to Roman, dropping everything he’s carrying, wrapping his arms around the other’s neck to kiss him. Roman wraps his arms around Virgil’s waist to keep them steady.

~*~*~

“I’m so glad to be home,” The taller man says with a smile. “Stay,” Virgil replies with a hopeful look; only to be returned with the same look from the other.

The pair are now seated at the dining table across from each other, instrumental music playing in the background.

“How’s your play? Hope you’re not too nervous,” Roman breathes out as he notices the other’s mood shift as he mentions the play. “You know me. I’m nervous about everything,” Virgil jokes with a chuckle. “Plus, what if people show up? I’m gonna perform in front of them. They’ll think I’m terrible,”

“Fuck ‘em” They laugh a little before Roman continues, ”They should be lucky to see it. It’s gonna be incredible. YOU’RE gonna be incredible. I can’t wait.” Virgil looks down on his food with a sad smile.

“I have to leave early tomorrow,” As much as Roman thinks that the statement sounds wrong when it left his lips, he doesn’t want Virgil to worry. “Boise, right?” Virgil inquires still looking at his food. Roman hums in agreement and continues, “You should come,”

“Wish I could. I still have to rehearse cuz’, we’re not all gifted in acting like a certain prince-like man I know,” Virgil teases with a smile. Roman chuckles, “Well, if you wanted me to help you, you could’ve just said so, darling,”

“I guess it’ll have to wait until you’re done with the tour,” Virgil replies with a forced smile. Roman’s face falls. “When are you done?” Virgil continues. “Uhm. Well, we’re only touring so we can make the record. After we’re done, we’re gonna record then, we go back to tour that record…” He trails off.

Virgil processes this information and decides to just let his brain talk. His heart is too soft for this conversation but, it can’t continue hurting for months. Or years.

“Do you like it?” Roman was caught off guard with the question and was confused with what Virgil meant. “The music, the band, the tour, singing on stage. Do you like it?” Virgil clarifies.

“I…” he trails off. “I don’t know how it matters,” Roman doesn’t like where this is going. All this time. All this touring. He thought it was what Virgil wanted him to do. Roman looks Virgil in the eyes, “Do you like the music?”

“I do. I just didn’t think you did…” The pair fell in uncomfortable silence, letting Virgil’s last statement linger between them.

“Why are you doing this? I thought you wanted me to do this. This is what we’ve been waiting for,” Roman is deep into confusion at this point. He’s been in this band for a while, he just wants to know why Virgil hasn’t anything before he signed on the dotted line that would seal his life.

Virgil sighed, “I just wanted to know where you’re theatre is gonna fit into all of this.” He said in such a small voice that, Roman wanted to just sweep Virgil off his feet to make everything better again. “There’s a reason why there are no theatres here because no one is like me. No one likes musicals here. Not even you,” Roman explained.

Virgil can’t take how pathetic Roman thinks of this entire situation. Yes, it’s Virgil that usually overthinks these things and, it’s not entirely impossible for Roman to as well but, this is just pure non-sense to Virgil. “I do like them now, because of you!” He blurted out with a slightly raised voice.

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Wait for you to be successful only for me to build something no one likes? It- It’s time to grow up. I’m finally doing something that people enjoy! Something that people take time to pay attention to! Why can’t you understand that!” Roman exclaimed, determined for Virgil to understand his point of view, not bothering to look at the other.

“Since when did you care about being liked? Why do you care so much about being liked-”

“You’re not an actor! How would you know?!” Roman immediately regrets his statement, knowing he doesn’t mean it. To him, Virgil is the greatest actor he has ever seen and, nothing would ever change that. He glances at Virgil and, sees the destruction his statement has caused slowly unfolding.

“No. No- I- I didn’t mean that, Virgil. I’m sorry. I promise it’s not true-” he tried to reverse his mistake but, to Virgil, the destruction has always been always there, this was just what he needed for everything to fall apart.

“Maybe you just liked me because I made you feel like a better actor,” Virgil stated blandly in a matter-of-fact manner. Roman knew that he was never better than Virgil, as an actor or not. He was heartbroken to hear that his partner thinks that he was just being used. His statement earlier was just a slip-up but this… What Virgil’s feeling is all his fault.

“Are you kidding?” Roman can’t bear to lose someone that he loves so much. Tears well up in his eyes, tempting to let them fall.

“No,” Virgil calmly replied, keeping a stern face.

Both of them, heartbroken, stared at each other, not letting go of what’s left between them.

But before any of them could say anything, Roman’s phone, which he left in the kitchen, rang. His ringtone echoing through the apartment. Roman sighs at the sound but doesn’t stand up. However, Virgil does and eyes for the door. Roman stays frozen for a moment before going after Virgil.

“Virgil, wait-” before he could continue, Virgil had already slammed the door.

~*~*~

You guys can use your imagination to fill in what happens after the argument up to before the next part.

But, if you haven’t watched La La Land, basically, Virgil did the one-man play and Roman didn’t show up and only a few people show up then, he goes back home to his parents in a different state, leaving everything behind. I think that’s all you need to know??

~*~*~

It’s been a few weeks since Virgil came home to his parents. He was devastated to see his old stuff and how hopeful he was to become an actor. Yet, he can’t bring himself to take it all down.

Virgil had abandoned his phone and his laptop to the very back of his closet and sticks to using his mp3 in the meantime. He has been needing some time to rethink his life decisions before facing the real world again. Leaving Roman to pick up whatever he left in Los Angeles.

He was finally enjoying peace and quiet for the first time in a while, until…

HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

~*~*~

“The fuck are you doing here?!” Virgil whisper-yelled as he walked towards the man, wondering what’s so important that Roman had to follow him all the way to another state.

“Thomas Sanders. The casting director. He was at your play-” Roman began. Just at the mention of the name, Virgil had become more troubled but hopeful at the same time.

“And he loved it so much, he wants you to audition for this HUGE-” Roman stated as he slammed his hand on his car for emphasis, startling Virgil a little. ”-huge movie that he’s got,” He continued with visible excitement.

Virgil shook his head with a little chuckle before running his hand over his mouth, “I- I can’t- I’m not going to that- That.. will kill me,” he continues to shake his head.

“WHAT?!” Roman exclaims, startling Virgil again. “What?! Shh shh! You have to be quiet cuz’ if my neighbors don’t call the police on you, I will,” He attempts to calm Roman down. “No. You have to make sense. You can’t stay here and be miserable for the rest of your life. You need to be reasonable here,” Roman persists.

“Because it’s just another goddamn audition!” Virgil explodes with all the hurt and anger he’s gathered through the years of auditioning for shows. “I’ve been to hundreds of auditions and it’s just the same thing over and over again! I’m sick of it! Yeah, sure, I get callbacks but, where does it end? Another fucking rejection! All of those countless hours of waiting for the phone to ring. Be- because maybe I’m not good enough,” Virgil pauses.

“I’ve been wanting this for years. And, now... Now that I don’t want it anymore. Now that I gave up on it. Another one fucking presents itself to what? Another rejection? I’m- I’m not giving myself another heartbreak, Roman. It hurts a little bit too much,” Virgil admits, already crying. It hurts Roman to see Virgil this way. He’s seen Virgil become so passionate about his play, he needs to let him see that this is not ‘just another audition,’ it’s the reward his hard work is all for. He needs to know.

“You’re a baby,” Roman bluntly states. “Maybe I am,” He couldn’t continue arguing anymore. “But, you said it’s time to grow up. And, I’m doing that so, why won’t you help me?” Virgil continues.

“You have an audition at 5:30. I’ll pick you up at 8,” as much as Roman wants Virgil to grab this chance, he can’t force him to if he doesn’t really want to. He loves him too much for that. At least he tried. “You’ll be out front or not. I don’t know,” Roman continues as he gets in his car and drives off, leaving Virgil standing in the middle of the road, staring at the library in front of him. The library that once helped him set his path to acting.

~*~*~

Perhaps Virgil was out front at 7:30 and got accepted in the audition.

Perhaps he wasn’t.

Told ya I'm not good at angst ;-;

#TSSAUgust #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides au #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #ts virgil #ts roman #prinxiety #ts prinxiety #em writes

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mariesdameron · 3 years

Text

Marie Sackler & Clyde Logan (KillersmileClyde) Part II

TW: Drinking, Vulgar language, Emotional distress

Word Count: 2,840

Backstory:

Marie and Clyde have been friends for quite a while. This takes place in Marie Sackler Personal Au RP story line that has Marie, single and on her own. Marie and Clyde have been nursing feelings for a long time but something always interrupts any action from progressing.

Sidenote: Marie Sackler’s full maiden name is Anne ‘Marie’ Williams.

This is an ongoing roleplaying scene between @mariesackler & @killersmileclyde

You can read Part I here

Clyde:

You stopped. Even better... you came back. Maybe I hadn't entirely fucked this up beyond repair. I hear your words, "please...what.. ?" echo in my head and I'm still at a loss for words. You know me and I know you but somehow we had wandered down the path to ruin.

Marie... I don't know what to say... I'm sorry isn't enough. I hate this. Hate what I've done... what I can't take back.

My grief slowly turns back to anger. Anger at myself. Anger at you for making me feel this way. I wipe my face dry and put on the mask I wear every day; the mask that shows everything is fine, nothing wrong is going on behind the scenes. I was broken. You broke me.

As I rose to stand, my walls were built back up I dunno what else to say... I just... I turn and walk behind the bar, grabbin' a bottle of Maker's Mark and pour a heavy-handed serving over ice and take a long drink.

Marie:

I take a deep breath; my heart is in pieces. I thought maybe we were getting somewhere for one second, but here we are at the beginning. I resist the urge to scream. I want to tear him apart until the Clyde that I know and love is bare for me to hold; I always get close but never close enough for him to wrap his arms around me and let me in. I can see it in the way his body tenses with each movement. I stand in silence, trying to process what to do next. Do I leave? Do I walk out this man that I have called a dear friend for years? Do I burn this fucking bar to the ground? I walk to the end of the bar, keeping myself in line with the exit. When I open my mouth, my voice shakes.

Remember your cousin's wedding that I went with you to a few summers ago? I remember it perfectly. I can still smell the fresh wildflowers, all the vibrant colors of a country wedding.

I remember how everyone looked at us that day. You were so handsome in your suit. I drank too many glasses of wine. You poked and prodded at me all night, teasing me for being a lightweight. I thought for sure that was the night. So many people kept coming up to me, telling me how we were the best couple. And then you pulled me into that slow dance.

I huff back tears at how vivid the memory plays out in my mind. You held me so close. I shake my head and look up at the ceiling. And then, you dropped me off with a kiss on the cheek. Day's later, you happily sent a text that you were off on a hiking trip with a new cute patron that had been hanging around the bar. I ball my hands into fists. I hate how pathetic I sound. I slam my hand down onto the bartop.

Fuck, Clyde...

Clyde:

My mind instantly flashes back to that night but I remember it much different than you do. I finish my drink before pouring more into my glass.

A'right... let's talk 'bout that night then. I work my mouth debating if I really want to open those wounds.

I was so happy to bring ya round the family. Jimmy loves ya already 'n I knew they'd be no different. I kept tellin' myself, we're only friends, nothin' else, stop lookin' into things that ain't there. But... I couldn't keep my hands off o'ya. It just felt so natural.

Ya made me feel good in a situation where I would refuse to go on my own. You... YOU had that power over me. I take a large gulp of my drink. And that dance. That was the single best memory I had since I left for the Marines.

There's a reason it's gone outta the jukebox now... have ya noticed? Prolly not but that's okay. Cause ya didn't notice how ya said his name on the way home. So that's why I kissed yer cheek instead of walkin' ya to the door like a gentleman. That's why I didn't push anything more.

That's why I sent ya the pic of me 'n some other chick cause I wanted you to feel what I felt. My hand swings between us with my words, emphasizing 'you' and 'I' while the alcohol sloshes over the sides of the glass.

Because while I was thinkin' of you, you were thinkin' about him. I down the rest of my drink to try and regain some composure.

Marie:

I shake my head as I receive his version of that night. I can't breathe. I stumble back and tread the empty bar. How could he? How could he even bring him up? I suffocate on my tears and put my hand up to signal for him to keep his distance.

Clyde...He broke my fucking heart, destroyed me. It took me so long... I choke. You think I wanted to go to a wedding? A fucking wedding? It hadn't been that long since everything blew up for me. And I went...for you. Because you are always a phone call or text away. How could I disappoint you?

I know how nervous you get at social functions and how badly your cousin wanted you to be there, how badly you wanted to be there. I barely could get out of bed most days... I WAS BROKEN! My words are shrill; I am suddenly the wounded animal that I was years ago.

I wasn't thinking of him that night... Everything became background noise when I saw you in that suit... I stammer over my thoughts; I need to breathe. My back slides down the wall, crouching I run my hands through my hair.

Sometimes, when you are with someone for a long time, their name slips out, casually... You would know that if you ever let anyone get close enough..

The words tumble from my lips before I can stop them. I stand up and clear my throat. I don't want this to be target practice. I can't... My mouth trembles.

You are too important to me for me to sit here and go-rounds with you like this... I've already had my heart destroyed once. The only reason I am standing here today is because of you, Clyde Logan. You. The light in you brought me out of the darkness that I was lost in...I almost gave up. I was drowning. You saved me.

Grabbing onto a nearby chair, I collapse into it; I put my head into my hands. Marie, you've done it again. You've fucked up. And like always, there is no one else to blame.

Clyde:

I was left speechless watching you break in front of me. You said I saved you and I just shattered every piece you had fought so hard to rebuild. I wouldn't be the man to destroy you. I put myself aside, realizing how important you are to me, feeling like a fool for not realizing it sooner.

I… Marie… whispers fuck… I grab a second glass with ice and walk over to the table with my bottle of Maker's Mark, placing down the glass and filling it up for you before pulling out the chair across the table.

Marie… we can't keep doin' this. I don't wanna keep doin' this. It's killin' me to see ya like this 'n knowin' it's my fault makes me sick. But I can't take it back and neither can you. What's done is done.

I pause for a few heavy breaths and you pull the glass to your lips, still resting your head in your left hand, refusing to look up from the table.

Why Marie? I'm talking more to myself at this point but continue with my thoughts out loud.

Why did we let it get this bad? Let it fester and rot until it killed both of us. I shake my head and take a drink. I shoulda said somethin' sooner. Should have acted on what I felt instead of feelin' sorry for myself… instead of pushin' ya away.

I don't wanna hurt ya by talkin' 'bout him, really I don't. But ya need to know how I feel… felt… fuck I dunno… to explain myself. Ya seemed so happy with him, like he was made just for you, checked off all the boxes on what ya wanted and needed in a man… all the things I couldn't be.

I tried to be happy for ya, I really did, but it hurt. It was just another reminder of how I'll never be good enough. Then er'rythin' happened and I saw the change in ya, how you pulled away from everyone and everything, how dark your mind and heart became.

As fucked up as it was, I thought I could be the one there for you, to help you through that tough time. I reached out but made sure not to overwhelm you. All I wanted was to hold you, wipe the tears from your eyes, show ya that there was still good in the world if you would just open up to it. I notice you shift in the chair but you still don't meet my gaze.

Then I asked ya to be my date to the wedding. I was scared ya wouldn't go or would bail last minute. Which woulda been fine, I'd rather sit with you on the couch eating and watching a movie than dress up in uncomfortable clothes and be outside in the summer heat sweating my ass off watching two other people in their happiness while I was miserable. But you said yes… and you were excited and that made me excited. I thought that it might be the night… to show you there was still good in the world.

The night was perfect. I mean… perfect You had a smile that wouldn't leave your face, you looked so damn good in that dress. I couldn't keep my hands offa ya and you didn't seem to mind one bit. Then I got the balls to ask you to dance. Y'know I hate dancing but you like it, you tried to get me on the floor all night. Once I was there, with you in my arms, I never wanted to leave.

The memory replays in my mind. ‘Amber Run - I Found’ played on the speakers, you pressed flat against me, your head resting on my chest with arms wrapped around my neck. I felt whole for the first time in a long time. We swayed back and forth, spinning in a slow circle and the lyrics burn into my brain.

"I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me. Talk some sense to me." My lips pressed against the crown of your head, wishing it was your lips instead.

The song ends and you look up at me and I thought this is it… then Jimmy drunkenly yells my name from the bar; telling me to show the bartender how to make a drink 'the right way.' and it was gone. I missed it. You just smiled back up at me and pulled me towards my brother.

I thought about walking you to your door, pushing your hair behind your ear, kissing you good night and every other cliche romantic thing you could imagine. But I missed that moment too. So now we are here. Both fuckin' broken and pissed off and hurt. I don't wanna stay like this. I'll tell ya anythin' ya wanna know. I'm done hidin'.

Marie:

I lift my chin, my eyes trace over the familiar lines in his face, the crease between his brow. I didn't need to look to know where every single freckle on that sweet's man face was; they had long been seared in my heart years ago. How many times had I witnessed that man smile, heard that rumbling, baritone chuckle from his chest, and ached to kiss his lips that are forever drawn into a pout. I lifted my glass and took a generous gulp; the whiskey stings as it glides down my throat. It was a needed distraction to the pulsating in my chest, aching in my mind.

I wipe the back of my hand across my face and sniffle. I know what I have to do, what I need to say. I am scared. I am terrified, to tell him that he is the only one who ticked off all the boxes, that I had let myself get lost in someone else. I tried to make a man fill a spot in my heart that could only be satisfied by the man sitting across me.

If I didn't ask now, I would walk out of this bar, and everything would change. He would never open up like this again; he would destroy himself, slam up those impenetrable walls, and retreat. I would lose him; the thought brought out a gasp from my lips. The idea of never being able to be held in Clyde Logan's safe arms was a blow to the gut.

I lock eyes with Clyde's and suck in my bottom lip and bite down. It's now or never. I gradually slide my hand across the table towards Clyde.

Are you in love with me? Because I can--t My voice quivers. I try to hold back my sobs but fail. I cannot do this if you aren’t...

Clyde:

The air was knocked from my chest and my heart stopped beating. Wh- what? I'm stammering over my words, my brain misfires as it tries to comprehend your question. How could you have any doubt that I am in love with you. Then I realize you are in denial as much as I am about what we feel, what's always been there just under the surface.

I had never put a name to the flutter in my heart in seeing you walk in the bar, the way my stomach churned, and how I hung on every word you said. Made sure all your favorite songs were in the jukebox and got every book you said you were reading. Everyone else was just a distraction, something to keep me from dwelling on the fact that you never would be mine. To help me accept that friendship was enough even though I knew it would never be enough, I would never be satisfied with just that.

I bite my lip, pulling your hand into mine, both metal and flesh, as I move around to kneel in front of you.

Anne Marie Williams, without a doubt, I love you. I am in love with you and I am a fool for not telling you sooner. For not spending every fuckin' moment I could with you. I won't make that mistake again.

Marie:

I've been waiting for these words from Clyde Logan for so long that it's too much when they hit my ears. I disintegrate. Sobbing, I slide down on to my knees in front of him. I run my hands into his chestnut waves and grip his face in my hands.

Listen to me, Clyde, you are amazing. Don't fight me on this. I firmly hold his head, desperate to keep his eyes on me.

You are smart. You are kind. You are not second to Jimmy. You are just as fucking handsome, shit! I think you are one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen, and you are just as whole and worthy of love as anybody. You are so fucking deserving of everything, and I.... I falter for a moment and furiously shake my head. I am broken; I am too damaged to be what you need...what you deserve.

KillerSmileClyde:

My jaw pops with how hard I'm grinding my teeth. No, NO! I won't listen t'ya talk that way. If ya can sing my praises then I'll fill books with your graces. You are so fuckin' smart, witty, a damn sarcastic bitch in the best way to challenge me. Don't even get me started on how gorgeous I think ya are. I think your portrait belongs in museums 'n no words in any language would describe ya like ya deserve.

You have the biggest fuckin' heart o'anyone I've ever met. The emotion had taken over, every thought and wish poured out of my mouth I wish I could make ya see what I see.

We both are broken, so fuckin' what, everyone has baggage. I will gladly carry your bags if it meant I got to see ya smile. What can I do to prove it t'ya?

#Angst #ADCU RP #Marie Sackler Personal Au Rp #Clyde Logan #killersmileclyde #Fluff #Slow Burn #Friends to Lovers

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veenussposts · 4 years

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[ 06:51am ] You two were best friends since you were born since your mothers were friends. Both of you grew up together, went to the same elementary school and continued together through high school but, in the last one, things started to change noticeably.

You were always a mischievous boy and in high school it was no different, instead Beomgyu was always a calm boy with pimples on his cheeks and a not very modern haircut. You were always the one in charge of protecting him from the children who made fun of him, but in high school he didn't need you because is pimples began to disappear and his skin became soft, he began to dress more fashionable and dyed his hair.

From one moment to the next, Beomgyu stopped sitting with the other students and went to sit at the table of the popular students.

He changed a lot but you... you were still you.

Beomgyu continued by your side during all that time, inviting you to sit with him, inviting you to his parties and even helping you every time you needed him but... you didn't belong to the table of the popular ones, much less to his parties, you weren't like them and you no longer belonged to his side.

Over time your mischievous personality grew enormously and you no longer made soft jokes because nothing mattered anymore, you made great jokes that were talked about for weeks even months. You ruined teachers' classes, skipped school, and freed frogs from the lab.

However, he was still there.

Beomgyu was always by your side trying to avoid a disaster. He was always by your side to heal your wounds when you messed with the wrong person. He always helped you clean the desks when they punished you even though he had nothing to do with it. He was always there by your side no matter what and that bothered you. Why is he with you when he can be with them? Did he feel sorry for you? You were holding him back from doing what he wanted just because you were best friends?

"Your friend knows how to draw" Yeonjun, the captain of the football team, said to Beomgyu who was looking at the big graffiti on the front of the school. "You know they should kick him out for this?"

"Yeah..." One of your characteristic designs was on almost the entire wall and at first glance it would not wash easily.

"I still can't understand why you're in love with him and why you're still by his side"

"I love him because he is he, that's all"

But the reason for his love for you was deeper.

You were always his other half and even though sometimes you didn't fit, you always found a way to be with him. You were always there for him when the other kids made fun of him or when he was scared. You were always there for him when no one else was and he wanted to be with you in the same way that you were for him all this time.

"Well, look at your love. He's about to be expelled"

A few doors down, you were being led to one of the offices by a tall man with huge shoulders and thick glasses. You stared at the floor as he entered the office. You looked like a little boy, a little boy who was trying his best to look strong.

"I have to help him" Said Beomgyu, walking towards you.

When he arrived at the office, what Yeonjun had said was about to happen, you were about to be expelled and Beomgyu acted without thinking of the consequences.

"It's not his fault, Mr. Lee" Your eyes widened just like the director's eyes. What was he doing there? And what was he saying? "I... I tell him to do it, he didn't want to do that graffiti but I obligated him. It's everything my fault"

If you were sad before, now you were furious. Why was he defending you?

"I never thought that a student as good as you would do that, Choi Beomgyu, but since it is your first time I will have mercy, just for this time. Both can go with the condition of clean the wall. Okay?"

"Yes, Mr. Lee" He said while you stand up to leave.

You clenched your hands into fists as you ran away from there. Why was he still with you when he had better people to be with?

"Hey, stop" Beomgyu ran behind you, trying to reach you.

"What do you want, Beomgyu? I want to be alone, go bother your friends"

"You're my friend, the best one" He said, grabbing your wrist. "And I want to be with you"

"Why you want to be with me?!" You yelled, surprising him. "I'm sick of you being with me just out of pity. You can go with them and talk about parties, fashionable clothes and soccer games. You can do whatever you want with the snakes you have as friends but stop following me just because you feel sorry that I'm not popular or-"

"Shut up!!" He yelled back not caring that you guys were arguing in the middle of the hall. "The only damn emotion I feel for you is love" Your heart squeezed when you saw his eyes fill with tears.

"Why?" You asked softly.

"Because you're the fucking love of my life, damn it. I can spend hours watching you draw because I can see passion in your eyes. I can spend hours talking about you, how beautiful and magnificent you are. I can spend hours helping you remove bubblegums from the school's desks if necessary to protect you from being in detention" Beomgyu stopped talking when his lungs ran out of oxygen. He took a deep breath and continued. "I just want the best for you because I love you and I'm sorry if you've felt rejected by me, I swear I never wanted to"

"Beomgyu..."

"I just want to be by your side like you were with me because I felt loved and safe when I was with you. Remember my science expo in fifth year? I was afraid because it was the first time that I was in front of so many teachers and students. You were away from me, but I could feel that you were looking at me and that... and that reassured me because I knew you were there, that you were protecting me"

"I was ready to break some bones"

"Yes... and I just wanted you to feel that way. I just wanted to protect and love you..."

"I thought that you wanted to be with them and that I was holding you back"

"Yes, I wanted to be popular and I wanted to be handsome like them but I also wanted to be with you. You were always the first wish in my list, being your boyfriend always was my biggest dream"

Your brain couldn't process everything you just heard. Your best friend just confessed his feelings for you after saving you from being kicked out. After all this time of feeling guilty you can finally relax your shoulders because the person who occupies all your thoughts feels the same for you, because he has always protected you from the monsters in your mind even if he doesn't know it.

"You have always been handsome, even with pimples, and I'm sure your popular friends love you for who you are and not only for your face but I'm also sure they don't love you as much as I do"

#kpop #kpop fluff #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop angst #kpop x male reader #kpop x reader #kpop x you #txt #tomorrow x together #txt scenarios #txt imagines #txt beomgyu #txt x male reader #txt x you #txt x reader #sorry for the open final #i think i will do a part 2

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silverinia · 3 years

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I came for Baranski, I stayed for Baranski - a quick Christmas On The Square review someone* actually asked for

(* thank you, anon)

Disclaimer: I am in no way a professional of any sorts when it comes to film and I'm not a journalist either. The last movie review I've written was probably for a school assignment in eighth grade. I didn't do research for this and I've watched the movie exactly one time, so this is just for fun.

It was a Sunday, Sunday the 22nd of November, nearing the end of the train wreck of a year that is 2020. I woke up on an air mattress around seven am, my head aching, my throat itching with pyrosis and light nausea, it was still dark outside behind the closed blinds in front of the windows, when I slowly realised where I was, one of my best girlfriends sleeping next to me in her bed. I had crashed at her place after a warm, fuzzy evening of mulled wine, tacky Christmas movies I would never watch alone (Christmas Chronicles and Holiday Calendar, which I quite honestly didn't enjoy at all, but the company made it fun anyway), doing our nails, wearing the fun kind of face masks for a change and smoking too many cigarettes, as the soft pain in my head informed me right now. She woke up an hour later and the morning went by with coffee and reheated pizza for breakfast, when we decided to watch another movie and I realised that it was THE Sunday I'd been waiting for through Zoom interviews and Dolly Parton twitter memes and the infamous wig gate that will be briefly discussed in the following, and so we clicked on the small icon in the Netflix menu that said "Christmas On The Square".

And oh boy, was it a ride.

To start off, I should mention that I have a hard time watching most modern day American Christmas movies, as I noticed quite vividly again when I watched the two aforementioned Netflix productions last night. The character development is always foreseeable to say the least, the plot lines are plain clichés hunting each other like they're the kids in The Hunger Games, and the writing is generally so bad that you can join the actors in reciting the entire scripts on your first watch. I watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas once a year while I'm gift wrapping and pause every fifteen minutes to shamelessly stare at forties Christine Baranski (I think we should all turn away from the birth of Jesus and instead count our years based on Christine Baranski's date of birth) in flamboyant nightgowns and short Christmas themed dresses, looking so fabulous that every interpreter of Santa Baby ever could only dream of it, I watch Love Actually at least five times a year to lust over Hugh Grant, cry with Emma Thompson and miss Alan Rickman, I enjoy Bridget Jones, which I would definitely consider a Christmas movie, and that's it. That's my yearly Christmas time entertainment routine and I can barely tolerate anything beyond, because I'm still traumatised from the time when I was around five years old and on a holiday family visit where had to sit through National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the dumbest movie I have ever seen (my apologies if you like it but also, who hurt you?), with my cousins. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. And it scarred me for life.

But this was a Christine Baranski movie, I knew she was going to play the lead and so I was pretty much as excited about this as I could. And the fact that Dolly Parton wrote the whole thing didn't hurt either. As I said earlier to my friend I was watching it with, I have the pop cultural taste of a fifty year old gay man, a quality I am most proud of, and this simply ticked off all my boxes.

I expected something similar to a Mamma Mia experience that wouldn't cause me to crave packing my bags, give Covid the finger and run off to Greece. Light-hearted entertainment, easy to stomach, uplifting music and so little plot that the simplicity feels like a creative choice. That's what my pained, hungover brain knew it could cope with and that's not what I got.

The movie started and I was immediately in the zone. I saw Christine Baranski's name in the front credits (an experience that never fails to make me scream "Yass Queen" at the screen, regardless of where I am and who I'm with, as if I'm the sobering result that pops out of the package when you order Jonathan Van Ness on Wish), the setting was wonderfully corny (I grew up watching Gilmore Girls once a week, so give me warm fairy lights and a gazebo and I'm perfectly happy) and as my friend wondered whether Dolly Parton, in her exaggerated homeless attire that didn't make her look shabby at all, was green-screened into the setting because she stood out so much (which she was because the background dancers were dancing in slow motion, but to be fair, we were probably still a little too drunk to notice that from the start) and I told her I thought that it was just the natural glow someone who's Dolly Parton simply carries with them everywhere they go, I was happy. This was the movie I was prepared for. A movie in which the most problematic thing would be stereotypical characters and the wig they hid Christine's real, flawlessly handmade by God herself hair under.

And then, around five minutes in, Christine Baranski's childhood love interest was revealed as she pressed her perfect pointy nose against the window of his shop and sang about her unrequited love.

And suddenly, things started taking turns at a pace I was still way too sleep-deprived for.

Suddenly, in the middle of my general amazement at seeing Christine Baranski do literally anything and laughing loud at her impeccable comedic delivery, there were unresolved daddy issues, hanging prominently at the wall in her marvellously designed house (she literally says "Daddy" at one point and I couldn't help but think that only someone with her vocal skills could keep from making it sound cringe-worthily kinky). One moment, I was clutching my chest above my heart while she was bonding with little bartender Violet and munching on pretzels while downing some whiskey in that elegant way only Christine Baranski can bond with ten year olds who had it rough, eat pretzels and down whiskey, and the next she felt responsible for said girl's mother's death (which she kinda was too, but I'm not the boss of her). I was still busy making fun of how the very annoyingly, but when you're snacking on pizza with extra cheese at nine in the morning also highly funny, slow talking pastor's name was Christian, and suddenly there was a cancer scare.

It was a lot, a hasty sprint from major issue to major issue with a hint of comedic relief every now and then, and it didn't get any less until the very, rather poorly resolved, end.

The entire, constant up and down was followed by the movie's peak of suspense, the near death of precious Violet, something I couldn't even get too invested in because I was still so busy worrying about Christine's MRT results (I was truly fucking worried), not to mention that I hadn't even started to really process the sudden revelation of the love child and how it had affected her character's actions until this point. Was her constant tendency of pushing people away, as we've seen most clearly with her angel in training assistant who's name I cannot recall right now, the result of her broken trust in her father who practically ripped her son away from her after she had just given birth to him? Was it a result of her never getting the closure she needed with plaid flannel wearing Carl she was clearly still in love with? Maybe both? And what of the many issues was it that made her so incredibly shaken up when Violet blamed herself for her mother's death? Was it 'just' due to the fact that the closed pharmacy was on her, or was there more to it? Was it because she had grown up without a mother herself? Or did I miss a major piece of information because I was momentarily distracted, dumbfoundedly staring at Christine's very blue eyes? No time to ponder on that, little Silverinia, because here comes unconscious Violet in an ambulance, WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO!

I'm not going to go in depth about what plot lines I thought were especially carelessly handled and why, real standouts were the sudden forgiveness towards her father who had still acted like a shitty asshole even though he might have had his reasons, because giving the baby up for adoption just wasn't his choice to make, and the fact that I kind of didn't buy how quickly Regina managed to forgive herself, especially for Violet's mother's passing, considering how deeply her tall, slim, dare I say angelic and entrancing figure was buried beneath the weight of all her issues. It felt rushed and incomplete, but that's as detailed as it gets because my major point is something else.

I think this movie made the great mistake of trying to be more than your average, flat, happy ending Christmas movie. I think no one involved thought it was possible to make it a big hit if the only real plot would've been great Dolly Parton music, fun ensemble dance choreographies, Christine Baranski's outstanding acting skills, fun settings and costumes and a redemption arch with as little plot as it could possibly take to make Christine likable to those who aren't already lost forever in the rabbit hole of being obsessed with her (poor fuckers, can't relate). They didn't notice that with the legends that were involved, they could've easily gone the Mamma Mia way. And I think that's why they tried to include heavier plot lines than most creators would've chosen, experiencing loss at an early age, struggling to find closure, dealing with sickness, teenage pregnancy, parents forcing their choices on their children when they affect their childrens' lives first, adoption, and the fear of losing your kid.

It was a lot and I don't want to say that it didn't work because my friend was crying, like, pretty hard and I questioned my entire existence all through the movie in not the worst way, and I did enjoy it a lot while watching. The "grief is love with nowhere to go" line was a real standout, for example, where the attempt of complexity DID work. It positively gave me fleabag season two, "I don't know what to do with it now, with all the love I have for her." - "I'll take it. It sounds lovely. You have to give it to me." feels, and that's about the biggest praise I can come up with. BUT (and this is written in capital letters because it's the big but) I'm also totally convinced that I wouldn't have enjoyed it if they hadn't cast Christine Baranski for the lead role. In my humble opinion, the hasty, not really at all resolved plot of this movie only worked because Christine Baranski is just a fantastic actress. She quirks a mocking eyebrow and you laugh. She parts her perfectly painted red lips and you immediately hang on them because you don't want to miss a single breath she, a literal goddess, graces us mere peasants of people with. She smiles and you're happy. She laughs and even while she's still laughing, you can't wait to hear her do it again. Her eyes fill with tears and you feel goosebumps on your arms, her voice slightly trembles, a breath hitches in her throat and you feel your heart shattering to pieces. As Chuck Lorre once said, this woman could read you the phone book and you would end up laughing tears because she just gets the job done. She knows what she's doing, she's an absolute pro in her game, and it doesn't matter, not even a little bit, what she's working with, because the work she eventually delivers with it is always at a minimum of 200%. I forced my friend to watch this movie with me because I adore this woman, and I felt for this movie because I felt for her. It wasn't the plot that sadly brutally overestimated itself, it wasn't the songs that I obviously enjoyed, nor the comedic elements that truly made me laugh a lot, it was all her. I came for Baranski, and I stayed for Baranski. This woman can do anything. She can even look graceful in a terrible wig job.

(side note / unpopular opinion: I actually didn't think the wig was all too bad. It wasn't good, actually far from good, but for me, nothing can match the awful wig game of Mamma Mia 2. I loathed that wig, I absolutely cannot stand it. So this didn't feel all that terrible. It definitely wasn't the most problematic part about the movie.)

I enjoyed watching this. It was a nice distraction from all the bullshit in the world. Watching it today was the first thing this year that actually brought me something close to excitement about the holiday season, even though everything will be very different and probably not quite as jolly this year. But it just gave me good vibes and as someone who did not watch this as a film reviewer, that's the biggest part of what leads me to enjoy a movie.

Will I watch this again? For sure. Will I enjoy it when I'm not hungover, having freshly done nails and munching delicious pizza for breakfast? Probably not as much, but it'll still have Christine Baranski in it. Would I recommend watching this? If you share my obsession with Queen B, one hundo. If you don't, probably not.

#Christine Baranski #Christmas On The Square #dolly parton #shitty movie reviews by yours truly

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marias-studyblr · 7 years

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Hello. I would like to ask: How can I be more positive? I am such a negative person, and I'm sick of it. I'm done. I want to actually feel happy, and I want to got through life without worrying about other people judging me. I worry so much about judgement I started judging my self too hard and now I'm here. I can't hang up a poster in my own stupid room without worrying about someone making fun of me! Argh. It affects almost every aspect of my life! :( Any tips?

Hi!

Good question.

It’s something that HELPS your life and makes it a thousand percent better. I know a lot of people are genuinely negative and don’t even know it, or even want to change it. They just don’t see anything wrong in their behavior.

But you’re already different since you’re assuming you want to change and be more positive, which is already a huge step. Being aware of your own way of thinking is THE step.

I wish I could tell you a magical way of ending all insecurities and negativity in your life, but there isn’t. You just correct yourself along the way and slowly turn more and more positive, but always having ups and downs along the way. However, like I said, being aware of your own behavior is the crucial part because that’s what allows you to grow.

But I can help with ways I’ve become progressively more positive.

people around you are crucial. your company has a lot of influence on you, way more than you think. Spending energy and time in negative conversations and atmospheres is something you need to cut. And that goes from cleaning up your social media followings (unsubscribing, unfriending), to throwing away objects around your house, for example, that bring up bad memories. Get clean mentally. Get rid of stuff that doesn’t serve you. That harms you in a subconscious level. Do the best you can to evaluate the relationships in your life and see who is putting you down constantly. I understand the political correctness of not being able to stop talking completely to a family member, or maybe you like that person in general, except when they tell you will fail at that thing and will never make it, or when they say you have to go out and get drunk. In these situations, excuse yourself from those negative conversations or experiences, change the topic, say you gotta go do something. But you definitely don’t have to stay and listen because it will get inside your head. Don’t take other people’s opinions of you and make it your reality. They are not your reality.

practice gratitude. This made the whole difference for me. Every time I’m going through a tougher time I think about the bazillion different things that I’m so lucky and privileged to have in my life, no matter what is going on. No matter what difficulty. And that goes from the smallest things to the biggest things. I give you an example. Today I was walking down the street, minding my own business, brain flooding with all these different things and suddenly I see… this dog. This beautiful, snuggly, happy dog. A random dog, just walking calmly along their human, just calmly living their life. And I couldn’t help but smile. Dogs, man. Dogs. They are so pure. I feel like they’re a reminder that life is to be enjoyed. I just get happy around dogs. And it’s those reminders, those little bursts of happiness that make you realize along the way how incredible life is. It may be a sunset, a cup of tea, a laugh, a tv show, a cozy bed, a good moment with a person. They are just… there… for you. No matter what is going on. No matter what difficulty.

ask for help. You’re doing it now, and it’s great! :) But don’t be afraid to ask it in person too. Say your troubles, your fears to the people you trust. Don’t think that’s being vulnerable, it’s just being honest. I know it’s scary when you’re not used to it. But it builds you, because it’s a much more real and personal way of recognizing you are failing, or making a mistake, or having a difficulty and it’s affecting you. However, getting a good response from the other person sometimes, it’s all we need. More than that: a recognition. A realization the other person recognizes your problems and they are trying to relate, to understand, to help, to comfort you. Some problems causing negativity in our lives… have no solution. That’s the harsh truth. It’s emotional, but positive to be honest with someone we trust. It helps in the long run.

do things you love doing. love painting? buy your brushes! love architecture? plan your museum trips! whatever it is that you are randomly passionate about, it will enrich your life, therefore make you happier, more positive. include them in your daily habits!

do things that are good for you. Which sometimes aren’t particularly things we like doing aka exercising, eating healthy, keeping excellent hygiene, cleaning your house, studying, working. These will all benefit your life in the long run and give you much happiness but don’t necessarily bring you momentarily pleasure. They will make you live life with ease and therefore bring you positivity. Something to think about.

take it step by step. Like I said, it’s not going to happen magically and it’s a process, not a sudden decision. It’s something you learn and practice.

Ok. About that poster: PUT IT UP. You have to own up to your interests, whatever they are at the moment, doesn’t matter! Don’t take yourself too seriously. If it’s talked about, talk about it casually, own up to your interests but don’t feel the need to explain yourself or your privacy to anyone. Owning up to your interests basically means not being embarrassed by them. Not being afraid of showing them, or of being different. Not being loud, or crazy about them but also when questioned, not hiding it away.

About the judgment problem. This is a whole other question. In short, just like the comparison problem that I discussed in another ask, I think it’s a human race problem. We all take into account other people’s opinions. It’s how we live in a society. But you are not alone. I have to work through this too, I augment interactions with people, turning them into something they are not, replay conversations in my head, cringe at old things I said or different weird moments. You are NOT different or out of place for this. We all do this.

However, it’s important to realize other’s opinions are not more important than your own.

This requires confidence, which once again, doesn’t have a recipe, However, all of the things that helped me with me being more positive that I mentioned above do help me with my confidence. But that’s a whole other topic for me to discuss in this already long ask. If you want to, you can ask in another so I can explain my thoughts on it furder.

Be confident, be bold. Whatever that means to you inside your head, whatever the vision of you being confident is, act like that. Own up to your beliefs, realize that you must have good goals, good ambitions.

Sorry for taking so long to answer this, I just wanted this answer to be as complete as I could make it in this format.

I would encourage you to skim through this post where i listed a couple of Zen Habit Articles for a source of positivity. You can always skim through his website as well :)

For another huge helper for positivity is Yoga with Adriene. Just search her channel on youtube. Try one of her videos and you’ll see. I know it may sound weird but everyone should do try at least once yoga/meditation with her.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

#answered #advice #life advice #positivity #mindset

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sonataliadyer · 6 years

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i'm never gonna get too close to you even when i mean the most to you — part two. ( solo. )

Location/Date/Time: The Apartment of Natalia Dyer & Ryan McCord / 12.3.17 / 11pm Background Info: Things between Nat and her boyfriend have been tense as his suspicions and jealousy towards Joe grow. Featuring: N/A; mentions of Joe Keery & Dacre Montgomery @joeeykeery @dcreisms TRIGGER WARNING: N/A

Nat’s eyes were locked on the blue ones that were locked on her and she wasn’t going to be the one to break. “Don’t be dumb, Ryan,” she said, her arms still locked securely around her. Not-so-attractive Ryan was coming out. She could feel it in the air.

There was a beat of silence as she looked at him and he looked at her. “I’M NOT BEING DUMB!” His voice jumped so many volume levels, it physically made her jump and each hair on the back of her neck stand on edge like a guard dog on alert.

“Ry, what the hel–”

“No wonder you forgot our anniversary. Here I thought it was just because you’re a fuckin’ space cadet but no. It was because you were too busy playing house with Mr. Perfect Hair Douchebag.”

“Real mature. Stop being such a dick about this.”

“Oh. The way you were a dick when you forgot our anniversary.”

“Yeah, go ahead, shove that in my face again. That’s not getting old at all.”

“Oh piss off. I get to play that card for a long time. That was a real shit move, Natalia.”

“You’re insane, you know that? Literally unstable. I have a perfectly valid explanation for why those photos even exist but you won’t stop being a grade A asshole long enough to listen to me.”

Her words settled around them, falling gracefully like fresh snow which was quickly melted down to nothing by the undeniable tension between them, radiating like a fire. “Unstable?” The blonde boy rolled the word around on his tongue, feeling out each syllable. “You want to see unstable, Natalia?” Nat didn’t even have time to react, to spit a retort in the name of continuing their little game of back and forth, before an object came whizzing past her and slammed into the wall a few feet behind her, hitting a mug and causing it to explode into tiny shards. Her large eyes grew wider with shock as her brain slowly processed what had just happened. Glancing slowly over her shoulder, blue eyes landed on a smashed iPhone lying amidst the shards of red and green porcelain which, moments ago, had made up Nat’s favorite Christmas mug. Ryan’s smashed iPhone. Turning back slowly to face her boyfriend, her disbelief morphed to a mix of red hot anger and carnal terror.

“You’re a fucking lunatic,” she breathed, tearing away from the spot she’d been glued to, making a beeline for her bedroom once she reminded her legs how to work. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Who throws their phone across the room?! Who does that?!” She was yelling now, storming around their shared bedroom, grabbing a suitcase from the closet and shoving essentials inside. “You need help, Ryan. Go see someone. Get your shit right in your head. You’re acting like a fucking psychopath!” Tears now sprung to her eyes, the same angry tears that had fallen last night as she’d texted Dacre about Joe. Why was her life such a goddam mess right now? That paper on the Greeks seemed a million miles away.

The blonde actress began pulling her half empty suitcase into the living room, en route to the front door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Ryan’s voice caught her but she ignored him. He wasn’t going to stop her. Not after what he’d just done. Not this time.

“I’m leaving. When I get back, I want you gone.”

“Good luck with th-–”

Nat opened the door and shoved her bag into the hallway, her body half inside, half out. “My name’s on the lease, Ryan, alright? Not yours. As far as anyone’s concerned, you don’t actually live here. So if you’re still here when I get back, I’m calling the cops.”

After removing herself from the doorway completely, she slammed the thin door shut with a loud bang. It was then that she realized, as the tears once again swelled, how many times this hallway had seen her cry over the man on the other side of that door. It was sick and it was unacceptable. With shaking hands, Natalia summoned a Lyft before struggling down the stairwell to wait for it outside. She plopped down on the curb, the cold New York winter air whipping on her face and sinking deep into her bones, her tears freezing to her face. As she waited, all alone in the largest city this side of the Atlantic, Natalia Dyer realized there was only one person that she wanted in her darkest moment. Unlocking her phone and tapping the screen a few times, she lifted the iPhone to her ear. Three rings and then a familiar voice answered.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You probably hate me for the way I’ve been treating you lately. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. From the bottom of my heart.” So far, there was only silence on the other end of the line. “It’s Ryan. He just…I was--we were fighting and he–he-he threw his phone at me.” Her words were coming out one or two at a time, getting caught on her sobs as they traveled up her throat; simple confessions a much harder task to get out. "I’m so scared...of what he might do to me if I go back in there. I just wish...I wish you were here right now. I just want to hug you and let you tell me everything’s gonna be okay. Just to be back in Paris, you know?” Still, silence. She deserved it. “I’m coming to LA. Right now. I’m waiting for a car to LAX. I’m catching whatever flight they have and I’ll be there in the morning.” She stopped to breathe and wipe the snot away from her nose. “Joe…” she whispered, desperate to hear his voice. “I’m really really sorry. And I understand if you don’t give a shit about any of this. I don’t deserve your help right now. You told me this would happen and I...anyway. I love you. I hope you know that. Always have, always will."

#( &. solo. )#( &. never gonna get too close to you. part 2. )#// ayyyyeee for part 2 i'm so glad i finished this #it was hurting me

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