#love my socially anxious buds

[matchadobo]

KÖNIG; someone to come home to

wc: 5859 summary: könig found your cat and bridged the budding relationship between the two of you. warning/s: afab reader, nsfw 🔞 (please read at your own discretion, scars, könig is very shy and has social anxiety, alcohol/liquor

"oh for the love of god why do you keep running away..!" you jogged around your neighborhood, eyes frantically scanning each bush and corner of the street just to find that spotted motherfucker with doe eyes and tiny paws that'd immediately make you forget all the rage you went through while finding her.

you love your cat, she's the light of your life, much more your child. but she has this habit of wandering off during autumn, playing with the fallen leaves in places that were surrounded by many trees. you've traversed the entire neighborhood and you were starting to panic when you couldn't find her. she usually comes back when the sun sets but it's almost past six and she's nowhere in sight.

until you heard a distant purr from that one park you haven't checked since it's mostly occupied by kids so it's unlikely. but you swiftly ran to the park, only to find your cat nestled in someone else's lap. a burly, towering man who cradled her very delicately. he brushed his scarred hands by the head and ears of your cat as she leaned further by his dainty pats.

he then noticed you right away, shot up from his seat like you scared him. you broke into a smile to ease the atmosphere, it kind of freaked you out that he noticed you even though you didn’t so much as make a movement or noise. the man had his face covered with a black cloth of some sort, the only visible features of his face were his vibrant, green eyes. he wore a black shirt that looked way too tight for a man his size, brown denim pants paired with black boots. he backed away slightly when you got closer.

"hey, uh, seems you caught her." your cat jumped off of the man's arms and ran to you, you bent down to catch her. "she's my cat."

the look of clarity was evident in him when he relaxed at your words. "thank god you caught her though, i thought i lost her for a moment." you laughed nervously, hugging your oblivious cat. "i'm name." you started, walking a little closer to him to reduce the tension.

you noticed how he kind of stiffened up but managed to return back your gesture. "k-könig." he responded, thick german accent coating his speech. "sorry for kinda taking your cat." he joked a little.

"oh, don't worry about it!" you laughed, "i think she felt safe with you. cats latch onto people that make them feel comfortable."

you heard a low laugh from beneath his mask, you gave him a look at his green eyes to try and recognize him. "are you...did you just move here?"

"not really, but i'm staying for a bit here. my house is just a block away from this park."

unbeknownst to you, it was taking könig everything to not fold right now. aside from being an extremely socially anxious person, he finds you so incredibly pretty. your demeanor, how you carry yourself towards him, how you smile at him, and most of all how you somehow put him at ease; it's as if it's the first time he really wanted to get to know someone and spend more time with someone even if you two just met. he rarely stays in his house here in austria so he never really knew anyone here, nor was he aware that someone like you lives around here. if he did, he'd actually make an effort to go out regularly.

"staying a bit in here? you travel a lot?" you raised a brow, simultaneously patting your cat's head.

"o-oh yeah, i don't stay in my place much." he laughed nervously, his body language changing. könig doesn't really want to tell anyone about his line of work, much less a woman he's interested in. it's surprising enough that you didn't get scared away by his mask, and most of all how he took your cat. he's afraid he might scare you off and immediately lose you. right off the bat, he wants to take you out for drinks; but his confidence is too low because he thinks  that it wouldn’t go further than that.

but nonetheless! it's been a long time since he felt this kind of rush. musing at you and smiling beneath his mask, his heart ran wild on his chest. your cat was one thing that drew him to you, but your smile and with how your beauty shone with the golden glint of the sky. he somehow managed to hold a conversation with you whilst observing how the colors in your eyes glistened in the sunset and how your hair danced with the breeze and kept it away from your face to give him a better look.

"hey, uh." he garnered all the sprouting confidence you gave him from laughing alongside him with dry jokes and boring stories. you pressed your lips together, muttering a "hm?" as your attention was fully directed at him. he sweated a little before saying, "do you maybe wanna... grab drinks or something? you can bring her if you want." he lightheartedly invited you, laughing a little at that last bit.

your heart thumped in your chest a little too fast; finding this man so cute despite the strange cloth that prevented you from knowing the face behind it and his overwhelmingly huge size. "i think i'm supposed to say that last bit, yeah? i'll bring her if YOU want, könig." you broke into a laugh, hearing his laughter too. "but, of course. i'd be happy to."

you see him perk up a little at your reply. behind that mask, you know that he's smiling from the curve of his eyes.

reaching the nearby pub, a dimly lit place that reeked of liquor and cigarettes. the place was decorated with vintage records, paintings, and trinkets. regulars were playing pool, teenagers were in the far back shoving their tongues down each others' throats, and the old, tired bartender wiping off some cups and bottles. you two sat by the high chairs, secluded in some corner not too far from the bartender.

he ordered a whiskey while you settled for a classic scotch. not too long, you two somehow hit it off for hours: playing with the cat, playing with pool and trash-talking some regulars, getting tipsy and touching each other quite more, playing some old arcade games and destroying each other, and saying things that you two might forget in the morning.

"i'm better at pool than you." he blurted out. "your aim is just hilariously cute." he walked behind you, keenly watching if you'll trip and fall from how you stumble while walking.

"it's the liquor, i'll crush you sober!" you tried talking with no slurring, but miserably failed and evoked a snort from him. he held his alcohol pretty decently, he moved quite wonkily but still managed to walk properly. you however, had too much to drink. what could you say? you could drink a little too much when you're with someone you enjoy!

"right, how do you plan on doing that?" he caught you when you almost tried reaching for your imaginary chair that looked way too vivid in your vision, he had a firm hand on your arm as you sat back down in your previous spot. "can you even get home at this rate?"

"shut up, you're so cocky for someone who won because you're bigger." you mumbled, laying your head down on the table.

"that doesn't make sense, name. accept defeat, yeah?" you grumbled as a response, hearing a chuckle from him.

his phone rang suddenly. könig stood behind you, an arm beside your frame as it rested on the high table before taking his eyes off you and answering his phone. "we've got a mission for you, könig. kortac will be deployed in a week from now, the details will be discussed in hq at the same time. copy?"

"roger."

his heart somewhat sank at the announcement. never had he felt hesitant nor felt his heart waver at an issuing of deployment. he always completed missions one after the other passively. he didn't have anything to miss or look forward to. but when he looked at you, wasted as you almost fell off your seat if it weren't for his arm supporting you from the side, he just felt like he couldn't leave you alone now... or maybe ever?

he gestured for the bartender to bring a pitcher of water. "alright, listen to me. you're gonna drink that until you can walk and think straight, got it?" he tapped at your back placing a glass of water in front of you. you whined, taking the glass from him begrudgingly. "you have a lot of trust for someone you just met, huh."

"why, soldier? gonna do somethin' bad to the citizen you serve for?" you blurted out, chugging the entire glass of water and burping afterward. you saw how his eyes widened and how his shoulders perked up a bit from shock. "yeah, that call earlier proved my suspicions."

"aren't you blacked out drunk?" he looked away, trying to avoid the topic.

"oh please, my head's heavy and i feel like shit. doesn't mean i'm deaf and dumb, big guy." you nudged his shoulder a little. "saw the tag shining when you bent down during pool, lotsa scars for someone ordinary, you rarely live at your house means you get deployed a lot, that sorry excuse for a subtle knife pouch in your pants, and that call earlier." you listed out taking another chug of an entire glass.

"nice catch, know a soldier?" he relaxed a little, watching how you skillfully stuffed all that water down the drain you call your body.

"dated one." you responded, eyeing him whilst drinking.

"so you have a type?" he sounded cheeky, sounding like his face was smugly staring at you. "that why you're all smiley ever since we met, huh?"

you broke into laughter, fanning yourself. thanking god that you can excuse your blushing from the inebriation. "you are acting smitten, soldier. maybe you have it the other way around? no fair your face is hidden though, couldn't see if i got you smiling or something."

"what do you think then, frau?" he leaned fairly close, your knees touching as his gaze traversed your entire face.

"i think my bladder's going to explode, i'll deal with your flirting later." you winked, walking past him to the bathroom. little did you know, you left the big guy giggling stupidly to himself.

you came back and he was patiently waiting for you. "i can walk properly now."

"right, i didn't want to get home all alone when you're all wasted." he stood up too, massively towering over you.

"tch, you're saying too much for a man with a mask." you snubbed, playfully stomping out of the pub.

you two walked home, still talking about useless things and other stories and passing jokes. he held your cat close to his chest while walking, the cat falling asleep in his big grasp. "where's your house again?"

"i can walk there fine, könig. it's okay. you must be tired too, mine’s just a few houses away." you dismissed, a tired smile on your lips.

"ah-ah, i insist. it'd be improper to leave a frau like you walking alone at midnight." he strolled beside you.

"but you're pretty far from here, right?" you looked up at him.

"doesn't matter, it's not far for me." he replied. "getting worried?"

"pft, no." you brushed off, despite the smile on your face. "just don't wanna be a suspect if you were gonna be found dead tomorrow."

after a short exchange of laughter, you reached your house. "well, this is it." you concluded. "i'll be taking MY cat back."

he laughed a little before handing the sleeping feline to you. "i had a really good time, könig. good night." you smiled, musing at the vibrance of his green eyes.

"me too," he waved farewell. "good night." he backed away before finally walking away to where his house was. walking home with a smile on his face, the subtle scent of your perfume on his shirt that was decorated generously with cat fur, and a viciously, fast beating heart. he hadn't felt this kind of high from someone.

the fact that you two may or may not see each other again stayed at the back of your minds. but you two slept it off with a smile, hoping this wasn't the end of it.

that's what you thought, but you hadn't seen him in days. you forgot to get his number and what's worse is you don't know where he lives! there's no way of reaching him now.

you figured that he maybe got deployed or something, maybe that phone call from the night you two were together was it. you sighed in your realization, plopping onto your bed in despair as you reminisce about your fun, little date. slowly accepting that you wouldn't see him again. that he is just another fling or another incident to make you happy temporarily and remind you why you can't settle down with anyone.

that is until your door almost broke down from the force of the knocking down the hall. you opened the door, only to find könig drenched in the rain.

"w-what the fuck?! don't you have an umbrella?! come inside, you idiot!" you panicked, moving over to let him in. the bastard was shivering in the cold so you fetched him a towel before letting him sit on your couch. your cat immediately settled on his lap.

"start talking, könig." you sighed, sitting on the coffee table before him.

suddenly, he pulled the shirt off his head to finally reveal his once covered face. you were about to hand him a glass of water only to accidentally drop it from his gesture. he caught it though, military reflexes.

"thoughts?" he broke into an awkward smile, drinking from the water he caught. he chuckled at the priceless reaction you have. "say something, frau. it's starting to get weird here."

his auburn curls were damp and sat atop his head in a disheveled manner, some of his curls framed the sides of his face down to his jaw. his pale complexion had faint freckles and  prominent scars all over his chiseled face and body where you could see his skin. he had relaxed eyebrows and somewhat sunken eyes, though his bright, green eyes made up for it. his lips were chapped and fairly pink as the natural tint in his cheeks. but what sets his entire face off from the ordinary was the big scar that went from his right temple down to his left jaw that went across his eyebrow, nose, and lips.

"i-if it's scaring you, i c-can cover it-"

"no..!" you impulsively hugged him by his neck, both of you surprised at your actions. "i-it's brave, thank you, könig. that must've taken a lot in you to do."

"just five days of tossing and turning and regretting that i didn't gave you my number." he sarcastically remarked, returning your hug by settling both of his hands across your back.

you laughed a little before pulling away. you then took off your shirt, only in your bra now. you see him pull away immediately, beet red on the face as he averted his gaze from your body. "what the hell are you doing, you idiot! i have something to show you too."

an embarrassed "oh" escaped his lips. he tried to compartmentalize those thoughts and focused on what you were going to say. that's when he noticed the huge scar spanning from your chest down to your abdomen. "it's also my biggest scar from being in the service, i was discharged after i got it."

his eyes widened, "y-you were in the service too?!"

"yeah, that's how i met the one i dated. and how i lost him too." you tried composing yourself and swallowed hardly. "all i'm saying is, we both have these. so... none of that, none of you, is scaring me, könig." you smiled softly, brushing your fingers by his arms that were also rich in scars.

"look i, uh, will be deployed in two days." he broke out, his deep green eyes frantically mirroring his overwhelming feelings. "i was thinking if we could, you know, if you'd want to go somewhere with me to make the most of my leave?"

you teared up from laughing, either from joy or endearment. "you didn't have to be so dramatic and run in the rain about it, though. but yes, let's do that."

a wide smile made its way to his face, the vast amount of scars contrasted the joy he had in his eyes and lips. a putty feeling made his chest tight as he sat face to face with you, your scars and his visible to each other. it's the first time he ever shared something like this with someone. once strangers a few days ago turned into something more because he decided to drag his ass to you and not let his thoughts get the best of him, and he was proud of himself because of that.

you lent him an umbrella and told him to meet up at the airport after packing his stuff. and you carried on with yours too, a sudden trip with him would be a rush you'd never thought you'd experience. you've thrown in some outfits, body essentials, undergarments, and the like to try and take your mind off of him and wipe that lovesick smile on your face. but failed of course.

soon after, you two met at the airport with your suitcases. you waved at him cheerfully, smiling as he got closer. "thought you were gonna stood me up." you joked, nudging him a little. "soldiers are always on time, right? what happened to you?"

"i got lost?"

"save it, let's get our tickets now." he took your suitcases as you made your way to the ticket counter for both of your tickets.you already booked tickets before you packed hours ago so it all went smoothly, soon enough you two made it to paris.

you two had spent an afternoon eating at artisan food markets for lunch, shopping at boutiques (mostly you), taking pictures in museums, and ending the day biking to your hotel. the day was cut short since you two arrived at lunchtime, but you two had planned a lot for the next day.

you two had a problem with the hotel though, "well, we booked a hotel on the same day so... we can't really complain about having only one bed."

"...i'd just sleep on the couch or something. whatever you're comfortable with." he insisted on the elevator, kind eyes looking at you beneath the mask.

"i had fun today, könig." you blurt out, not even thinking you did. your eyes were tired from the nonstop journey from flying to roaming about the lively streets of paris but it all reflected your words.

he stared at you for a while, a smile beneath his mask. he was about to say something when the elevator ding interrupted his thoughts that were already clouded with you.

you insisted on taking a shower first because, god, you felt disgusting and embarrassed sitting next to him while you were this smelly. once you got out, you notice how he doesn't wear the cloth on his head anymore as he waited for you and shimmied through the channels in a language he doesn't understand. he shortly followed after taking a bath, bumping his head by the shower multiple times; you giggled at the sound of his curses and the thumps he made.

the bed was king-sized, so it fits the two of you with enough room for personal space. it wouldn't bother you to sleep with him though as  you feel comfortable with him, knowing that you spent the entire day with him. him taking off the mask when it's only the two of you proved enough for him to trust you, so you could do the same.

könig on the other hand though, was a mess talking about it though. "a-are you sure?"

"100%, it's big enough for the two of us don't you think?" you plopped yourself down the bed, sinking in the sheets. "plus, you're not gonna fit that couch."

he complied awkwardly, not knowing how to position himself nor if he should touch you as he settled on that one spot on his side of the bed. you couldn't sleep while he was being uncomfortable so you sat up and tapped on his shoulder.

"is sleeping with me bothering you?"

he looked over his shoulder, a worried look on his face. "i might crush you or something, or i might touch you inappropriately, or i might-"

"hey." you placed a hand on his arm. "i already told you, könig. i agreed to this. i trust you, okay? you'll be fine." you gave him an assuring smile before telling him good night. you two slept soundly that night, tangled in each other's arms.

the next day, you two went to disneyland and spent the entire day there. going ride to ride, stuffing yourselves with character-themed foods, you and him competing in those booths that have prizes, betting on who will scream first during horror attractions, getting some souvenirs by the shops, and tiring yourselves out from the number of rides in this park. laughing alongside him while enjoying the fun of paris has brought you nothing but that fluttery feeling under your skin and that uncontrollable beat of your heart.

once sunset came, you two ended the day with a boat on one of the canals. an intimate ride where you two didn't notice your intertwined fingers. after buying some bottles of scotch and whiskey, you two made it back to the hotel for the night. he popped the bottles open, drinking from the bottle and sharing it with you.

"so, last day, huh?" you started, downing a sip. the tv in the background faintly dulling the silence.

"you gonna miss me?" he replied with a smile on his face as he winked at you, chewing on some chips you bought.

"hmm, maybe." you shrugged, reaching over for the chips. "it'd suck if we just left it here, though."

"left what here?" he raised a brow. "the mess?" he gestured at the untidy sight of your room.

"are you that dense, könig?" you huffed a frustrated sigh. the puzzled look on his face not faltering, still waiting for clarity from you. "jesus christ, men really are that fucking dumb, huh."

you placed the bottle down, leaned over to him and sat on his lap, placed a hand on his cheek while the other was at the back of his head, and collided lips with him. it went on for a while, you feel him suck in a breath from your actions, making you smile through it.

the kiss got deeper and you wrapped your arms around his neck, his massive hands settled on your waist to hold you as he returned your kiss. the taste of alcohol lulling you closer to him and drunkening the both of you even more.

you pulled away and touched foreheads with him. "so that's what you want, spatzi?" könig remarked, giving the corner of your lips a peck.

"how did that feel?"

"liberating." he replied, "do you maybe wanna..."

"go all the way?" you finished, "thought you'd never ask."

he chuckled before kissing you again, licking your lips, and exploring your mouth. he carried you effortlessly by your bum as he sat by the edge of the bed. only to be pushed down by you as he lied flat and watched you take your clothes off.

you rubbed your core on his clothed crotch, he sucked in a deep breath from the sensation whilst he returned  your kisses. not long after, he was in his boxers and you were only in your bra and underwear. after he discarded the last article of clothing on you and him, he roamed his hands across your body, especially the scar you showed him yesterday. he easily flipped you around and now, he was on top of you.

he leaned down and placed kisses on your chest where the scar began, the middle of your mounds, and down to your stomach where the scar ended. he went back to your face and placed kisses on your cheek then back on your lips, "you sure about this?"

you nodded as his final green light before he dipped down to your sopping crevice. he knelt down on the floor and pulled you closer to the edge of the bed by your thighs before he licked a long trail on your core. you hitched a breath, fisting the sheets as your legs trembled in his grasp. he had a fixed eye on you as he devoured your soaked core, he nibbled on your clit and sucked soundly on your folds while he played with the bundle of nerves on your mounds with his fingers. he took his time with you, he didn’t stop until your legs shook and stuttered as you reach your climax.

he soon came back to you, kissing you once more. your hand trailed down his toned torso, down to his firm length; you felt him shiver a bit at your touch as his lips stuttered on you. you smiled through the kiss and maneuvered him despite his size as you got on top of him. 

you soon admired the beauty of this man, as he lay bare before you. you notice him becoming self-conscious  as you stared at him for a long time that you hadn't realized that you were doing it for too long. "hey, don't get shy with me now. you know why i like staring at you so much?"

"why?" he shyly answered, hands awkwardly placed on your hips.

"because i like you, i like looking at you. i'm savoring the fact that your mask is off, that you're able to trust me with this. it must've been hard for you but you still agreed with me, right?" you said with a smile, a hand on his cheek as he leaned on your touch. 

you began peppering hickeys on his neck, across his chest and abdomen. kissing all of his scars across his chiseled body. until you reach his prodigious length, he grew shy as you wrapped your hands around it. you licked the tip, circling your tongue around it to get him going. until you gobbled him whole, a guttural moan escaping his lips as he threw his head back at the warmth of your mouth. simultaneously pumping his length whilst bobbing your head gave him the pleasure that penetrated every muscle in his body. beneath his abdomen, a ticklish feeling bubbling up that left his member twitching  in your throat. not long after, his sweet release shot ropes down your throat. 

as he unsurely positioned himself on you, he took a while to gaze at you and the comparable size of his length. he placed both of his arms to support his weight by your sides, lowering himself down to give you a peck on the cheek. “tell me if it hurts.” he assured with a smile before wedging his thick length down you. 

he pressed his forehead to yours as he slid in slowly, both of you hitching a breath at the first stretch of your tight cunt. the warm and teeming feel of how your walls tightly enveloped him as he slid further until the head of his length reached your cervix; you squealed at the sensation, he chuckled while tucking a hair in your ear. as he tried and started moving, trying to detect if he’s hurting you in any way while he’s balls deep in you. but the only thing he saw was how you shut your eyes tight and how carnal, melodious moans left your agape mouth. he took it as an opportunity to buck his hips back and forth, sliding his length to your entrance back to the end of where he first settled, his dog tag clinking by its chains in chorus with his filthy movements. 

it was pure fucking bliss to you, it’s like you’re high on some sort of drug. the overwhelming length of him and how he was panting just as heavy as you are from the unparalleled sensation you two are in right now. you pulled him by his dog tag and he met your lips, swallowing all your moans as hips simultaneously tried finding the rhythm you two are comfortable in. 

once you two pulled away, he gazed at how his length disappeared from your crevice from time to time then back at your face which was flushed red. he planted hickeys on your shoulder, playing with your mounds with his tongue, and left handprints on your rear. 

lost in the same ecstasy; you kept grazing your nails across his back with each sinful thrust, biting on his neck with each moan of your name that left his mouth, and clawing at his chest with how good he fills you up. it almost felt like time wasn’t running and you two didn’t care how loud you two are nor how feral the creaking of the bed sounded. 

soon after, you were now on top of him. you bounced on his lap slowly, it’s a rhythm you two got used to. his hands were settled on your waist while the other was on your rear, helping you keep up the motion. your hands were caressing one side of his cheek while the other rested on his chest to support yourself. you bent down where you can press foreheads with him once more as your hips moved up and down, gradually sliding up and down on his length in a manner that drove both of you crazy. you two exchanged breaths and moans at the turmoil of pleasure that lulled both of you to a drunken state of each other, no talking was needed as you both looked deeply into each other’s eyes with much fervor. beads of sweat started budding on the surface of your skin at your nonstop intercourse. 

“you’re sweating, schatz.” he whispered, grinning afterward when he wiped the beads of sweat on your forehead with the back of his hand.

“you’re one to talk, you’re panting like an animal in heat.” you returned, hoisting yourself up as you steadily sat on his length. “want to take a break, colonel?” you cockily raised a brow, hands roaming on the span of his chest.

“you’re just pushing it now, huh.” he sat up too, getting a firm hold of your waist. “that’s lieutenant colonel to you, major.” 

his swift moments almost made you stumble and fall if it weren’t for the large hands that supported you. “ready?” he whispered in your ear and before you could answer, he rammed into you so fast you couldn’t even so much as choke a word. your chest is on the verge of exploding from the unruly pace of his hips as he drilled deep in you. it went on for a while, crude moans that got your neighbors turning their heads and almost disturbing the both of you; it’s not like you’d stop for them though. you later ran out of breath and your body got limp from the overstimulation of his length.

you two just lay in the bed afterward. you were between his legs and he was behind you, rubbing your stomach gently while placing kisses on your neck. “didn’t know you were gonna give up that fast, name.”

you elbowed him as a response, “alright, i know i got too excited. not my fault you got too sexy. i had to do something, liebling.”

there was silence after a little laughter from the both of you, it then occurred to you his inevitable departure would not be too long from now. “hey, what time are you leaving?”

“they’d need me before the day ends.” he cleared his throat, a weighing feeling went back on his chest. “this is the first time i felt like i’d wanna bail on a mission.” he chuckled dryly, gazing at the peeking sun of dawn by the large windows of your hotel.

“we should probably get going now, don’t wanna miss our flight-” you planned on leaving his grasp to stand up and get ready, only to get pulled closer. 

“we can stay for a little more.” he mumbled. “please, mein liebe.” he buried his face deeper at the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent more until he grew tired of it. 

you smiled, complying with his request and staying like that for over half an hour. eventually, you two had to fly back to austria and make it to his headquarters there. it was an inevitable parting between the two of you. it’s not like this feeling is new to you, you knew very well what happens when dating a soldier. you became one and dated one. but this one was extra fucking sadder, you don’t know why but now that you saw what’s beneath that mask and mountain of clothes—you’d never want to let him go, you just had to protect him and give him all the love he deserves. 

you two now parked before the building of his headquarters. after saying bye to your cat, he finally dreaded saying goodbye to you. “come on, könig. it’s not like we’ll never see each other again. you’re not about to let yourself get killed, hm?” you lightheartedly tried calming him down. 

he didn’t say anything and hugged you, pulling you by your neck with one arm while the other held you close by the small of your waist. “i promise to come back, vögelchen. you keep yourself safe here, you got it?” he pulled away, a gentle hand on your cheek. 

“you’ve got some nerve ordering someone who ranked higher than you.” you hit him on the chest playfully. “i’ll keep my promise if you keep yours.” you fished out something in your pocket, it was your old dog tag and handed it to him. “okay?” you searched for any affirmations in his green eyes.

he plucked out his own dog tag from his neck and gave it to you instead, he wore what you gave him. “copy.” amidst the cloth, you can see the tears in his eyes form and cascade down his face. you gave him one last tight hug, got under his mask, and gave him a long, deep kiss before sending him off. he waved goodbye one last time before disappearing into the building. 

“so you found someone, huh?” horangi greeted him by the entrance. 

“quit the snooping and let’s get to the conference room, i’d like to make this shit quick.”

this is my first time writing for könig and cod, forgive my sins my senpais 😭🌷

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[wonderlandhatter]

Snapchats from frat Aaron Hotchner

These are before you start dating, he's deff trying to earn some trust. He's only has hookups before and he wants more with you and so is deff trying to do this "the right way"

I have posts edited and done for right before you start dating, like you both know you both like eachother and is deff getting very flirty, so if anyone likes these and would like me to share those let me know.

This is also not edited lol so sorry.

💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

I feel like this would be one of the firsts he sends you. You two have been chatting in class and when he comes in to your coffee shop. The friendship is growing.

He always invites you to his frats weekly party but honestly it's scary, he has no obligation to stay with you the whole night (he would let's be honest) so there's just too many variables.

So when he starts sending you little updates during the parties about how he's just tried the most disgusting drink he might die, or how he made a drink he thinks you'd like, or how a game would be more fun with you "I'm loosing angel, I need you on my team". He just has you blushing and kicking your feet.

Ok so you're still too anxious/nervous for a frat party (rightfully so those things look awful imo) but that's ok he just thought that would be the easiest way to spend time with you outside of school but he failed to realise that upto this point he's only gone after hookups but this is different, he wants you all the time for everything.

So he took a different approach, more one on one time. It starts when he invited you to. Afrat party and instead of your usual answer of "you know that's not my thing Aaron" you said "I have plans" which he very quickly jumped in to ask if he could join. This boy all but squealed when you happily agreed.

He did expect this to be a social thing but he quickly learned that your plans were a movie about an odd wizard and old woman playing while you painted/coloured and ate snacks.

That was his favourite night in a very long time, he internally prayed it wouldn't be a one time thing, specially after you admitted to these being your set Saturday night plans. He hopes he can become part of your set plans.

(he deff sends this to his best friend when he asks where he is, friend is equally as thrilled for his bud)

His presence in your life has now become a constant and you couldn't be happier. You're all but fully comfortable with him letting yourself be you around him and he couldn't be happier.

You're not as reserved, jocking with him even picking fun at him which he is eating up.

He comes to your job every Friday to "do schoolwork" which tbf he is but also just admiring you.

You make fun of his boring order everytime he orders his "large black coffee" with no sugar. But the last couple of visits he's let you make up his order as whatever you want knowing it would make you happy to as you say "make his life better through caffeinated joy".

They do tend to be your favourite orders given the next picture which he 100% put on his story which you begged him to change to his private story.

This is one of his favourite pictures and 100% becomes his phone background when you start dating.

Your cat is his nemesis.

You cuddles and love that cat all the time and it's 100% jealousy he wishes you were hugging and kissing him.

He's also convinced that the cat is looking at him smugly while you kiss him.

Cat deff also hissed at him when he comes into your apartment, it's a love triangle lol

He's told you the looks your cat gives him which you obviously thinks it's ridiculous so he sends you this as "proof"

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner fluff #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x reader fluff #frat aaron hotchner

[evilwickedme]

This wasn't asked for because nobody in their right mind would ask for this but this is a fic rec list of fics I cannot stop rereading

Just started yet another reread of Inimitable Verse by deniigiq and I fully plan on rereading their into the multiverse series which occasionally crosses over also - this is a Spider-Man/team red focused series, think comics canon infused early mcu-spidey since only homecoming had come out for a non substantial amount of time they were working on the series and the daredevil stuff is explicitly tv show AND comics. Also the multiverse series is how I got into Murderdock and therefore how I got into Spider Gwen

Unpretty's Sorrowful And Immaculate Hearts series which is just a loosely interconnected series of DC fics. My personal favorites are Empty Graves, in which Martha Kent keeps killing time travelers trying to kill baby! Clark; any of their clois fics but especially Third Wheel; and Anti-Social, which is a social media fic mostly about Tim and Bruce that made me cry laughing. Catch Bruce trying to get Walmart's employees to unionize. Also shout out to unpretty's only fic with Jason in it, it looks awesome but is tragically incomplete

This particular Reverse Robin AU which put in the work to reverse every single younger generation and is chef's kiss I LOVE this version of Tim he's wild

Both of Shoalsea's fics are in constant rotation for me I talk about Into The Brighter Night all the time in the tags of reblogs and stuff it truly lives in my head rent free. Anyway Tim gets kidnapped by aliens and the batfam have to watch as yj98 saves him and it's angsty and funny and such a good take on what could have been if the new 52 hadn't happened. And Compassion Builds No House is about Tim and Pru from Red Robin. Ugh they're both so good

Speaking of Clois (I did you've just forgotten this by now) brilliant (like a confession) by kathkin (penny-anna on the hellsite) is so fucking good I'm. Okay. Anyway it'll be listed as inspiration if/when I finally post my two person love triangle fic for them

I'm too anxious to catch up on this before it's done but jumble sale chic is hands down the best spideydevil fic series despite and because of the omegaverse

Make A Little Birdhouse In Your Soul is my favorite take on Jason, period, and has a lot of fantastic Damian stuff going on too. It's updating every few weeks still! Sometimes more often! I love you bacondoughnut it's me JustGail the person who will not stop commenting on your fic you're stuck with me forever

I lied above Rumspringa Murderdock is what got me into Murderdock but that series is second place. I found this one while scrolling through the tv show's mattfoggy tag, thinking I was safe

Speaking of Murderdock mattfoggy, The Lawyer All the Wickedness was written early on in spider-gwen's history and so diverges from canon really early in ways that I think are super interesting and creative

Oh also straight on 'til morning by merils (Tumblr url mamawasatesttube) does SUCH a great job unpacking Kon's trauma and building up healthy relationships around him including a budding timkon romance and yeah it makes me sad and happy at the same time

We're getting into poisonivory territory so just trust if you like the pairing and poisonivory is writing it you'll like it. Ok rapidfire

Like A Handprint On My Heart mattfoggy soulmate au with a twist

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? Damijon future fic/au. Jon came back from the future when both of them were 19. Demisexual!Damian at its best. Damian's terrified of being abandoned by Jon again and it made my heart hurt

I feel like I've already recommended every JayRoy fic by poisonivory and genuinely I do reread them all, sometimes in order of publication if I'm in a particular mood. Maybe the one I've read most though is I've Got the Feeling You're the Right Thing After All which is about Roy and Jason starting a fwb thing while Roy still harbors old feelings for Dick. Can't see anything going wrong here lmao

Mmm this post is long enough so I'll leave it at just superhero fic for now but I do in fact have the ability to do a whole post just for the Witcher or Leverage so I might do that. Anyway thanks for following me on yet another burst of insanity it will happen again

#fic recs #team red #spiderman #mattfoggy #murderdock #daredevil #spideydevil #damijon #timkon #jayroy #clois #batfam #superfam #marvel comics #dd tv #marvel #dc #gail speaks #if I didn't also list their tumblr urls we're not mutuals #although obviously a lot of them are in fact on tumblr

[elliemarchetti]

Enchanted to Meet You

Hello @corcracrow, your Secret Santa here! I know I haven't filled you with questions as I would’ve liked, and you probably have the feeling of not knowing me that well, but unfortunately real life has hit hard both on my creative process and my free time. Anyway, I don’t want to spoil the mood for I'm very happy to reveal myself and I hope you likethe first chapter of the fic I have prepared for this year’s @acotargiftexchange

Plot: The Archeron sisters are prominent members of the Upper East Side, as are the Vanserras. Elain is fresh out of a disappointing relationship, while Lucien is the neglected seventh child of a couple who haven’t loved each other for a long time. Will they be able, after a chance meeting at a Christmas party, to build something they could cherish or will gossips and meddling families stifle the budding interest they feel for each other?

Words: 2241

Elain looked around, a glass of champagne held firmly in her right hand. The celebrations were going well, Feyre was having fun, laughing at a joke delivered by her new boyfriend, while Nesta twirled on the dancefloor like a ballerina in a music box, barely noticing her partner. It was the second Christmas party they attended this year, but since their business was booming, she guessed it wouldn’t be the last. At least the host picked some quality wine, a competent catering and classy live music. All the participants belonged only to the best families of the Upper East Side although, and she suspected not by mere coincidence, the Nolans were missing from the guest list. Some had already begun to whisper ill-will about their absence, but since the event was being held on one of Rhysand’s properties, Elain had the privilege to screen out those who were no longer welcome in her vicinity. She was aware she shouldn’t have been so naïve, a marriage proposal so hasty and at such a young age could only come from the heart when net worths like theirs weren’t at stake, but since she still struggled to figure out what to do with her feelings about it, she thought it wiser to let those social climbers stay in the dark place they called home.

Graysen had defined the architecture of his house as designer modern brutalism, but Elain, for the short time she had spent within its walls, had thought it nothing more than a luxurious prison. There were few windows, practically no natural sunlight, it didn’t have a balcony, a veranda, or even a garden, and although the underground swimming pool and spa had done their duty when she needed to relax, everything, including the obsessive order kept in the rooms by a bevy of maids she had never met, appeared fake. Like the love of its heir, after all, like the glittering gifts of his mother. There was no sentiment in everything they did, and since nothing was more distant from the teachings of her father, Elain had decreed that what happened before it was too late was for the best. Not that she would’ve completely ruled out the idea of a divorce if she found out after she married him that Graysen had joined their families only for financial benefit, but it was a nuisance she preferred to avoid, just like the fast-approaching gossips.

Luckily, someone was ready to save her, or so it seemed from the twinkle in the russet eye she met.

She knew Lucien Vanserra only by name, but his story was almost legendary and the reason most rich parents won’t let their kids go to public schools anymore, even if they were renowned and the courses were the best in the US: coveted heartthrob while still in college, a young professor not in her right mind developed a crush on his socially anxious best friend. When he’d rightly rejected her, she had decided to disfigure him with a kitchen knife. Lucien had been quick to push his mate away from the blade, but had been hit in turn, losing his eye and, despite countless surgeries, finding half his face permanently disfigured by a deep white scar, in stark contrast with his amber skin.

“I wanted to wait for some mutual acquaintance to do the honors, but given the situation it seemed like an appropriate time to come and introduce myself,” he said by a way of greeting, extending a manicured hand. The sleeve of his green jacket ran up a little, showing off a probably priceless watch, matched with the eccentric gold prosthetic with which he had replaced the missing eye.

 “We’ve really lost our manners these days,” Elain joked, offering him a firm shake. It was her mother who told her, before she died all those years ago, that a weak hand was a sign of a weaker character, and after the misunderstanding with the Nolans, she was determined to convey confidence in every detail of her being. That was why she had chosen the dress she was wearing, with a neckline not too exaggerated but not even as chaste as she would’ve once preferred, the skirt narrower on the hips, where previously would’ve been tulle and wide pleats.

“Who do you think is the rudest?” Lucien asked, scanning the people by the bar. Being caught red handed, those who had distracted themselves from their conversations to glance curiously in their direction suddenly turned back to their interlocutors, making Elain smile bitterly. She could already imagine what they would say about them at the next brunch they were going to attend, she could already hear them referring to Lucien as the Beast to Elain’s Beauty regardless of the fact he was extremely charming, his disability just a means to spout malice.

“After careful consideration, I think Keir wins the prize,” Elain admitted, glaring at a blond-haired man who was displaying his voluptuous daughter like a beast at the farmers market to a group of older guests. The young woman seemed incredibly uncomfortable but didn’t leave her father’s side until a scary guy, all cradled in black, asked her to dance.

“He has been trying for nearly a year to convince my father that she and my brother would be a good match, but I think Eris’s interest lies elsewhere,” Lucien replied, nodding at Nesta’s current dance partner. His hair was a little more orange than Lucien’s, way shorter but still long enough to be tied at his nape, and although his skin was lighter, the resemblance was uncanny despite the age difference.

“She’s a though nut to crack,” Elain warned him, wondering if at least this bachelor would last a few months with her. The previous suitor didn’t get to the end of the third, retreating in his chase because of her cold and detached attitude.

“Who knows, they might have found each other, then,” Lucien muttered, drawing a surprised laugh from Elain. She was happy not to be an only child, but sometimes being three sisters and with such different characters was a real challenge. She couldn’t imagine how Lucien managed to get along with everyone in his large family, although, being the seventh, it probably meant nobody paid him much attention.

“Are you as difficult as him?” she asked, once the silence stretched for a little too long. She was enjoying their conversation, the ease with which Lucien opened up, as if he wasn’t used to be associated with the same high-class circles as the rest of the presents. His quick remarks had the same taste as notes passed under the desk during boring lessons, thrilling and personal, even if they talked about nothing of substance, and his presence was grounding, capable of freeing her mind from unpleasant thoughts and calming her anxiety.

"If I want to, but fortunately it’s not something I have often to retort to,” he replied, before downing the glass of liquor in his right hand in a single sip. “And are you the gentles of the bunch as is rumored?”

Elain thought about it for a second. Regardless of how she wanted to behave, her nature wasn’t as wild and showy as Feyre’s or as relentless and demanding as Nesta’s: her qualities lay in diplomacy and understanding of her surroundings, she liked to observe more than act, and make thoughtful decisions to prevent mistakes. She was reserved, always composed, and knew how to keep her opinions to herself, but that didn’t make her any less dangerous, just easier to underestimate.

“I suppose so, or maybe I’m just really good at my job,” she replied, finishing the champagne herself and depositing the flute on an empty tray.

“Which, if I’m not mistaken, is sadly required,” he murmured in her ear, sending a shiver down her naked back. Elain followed his line of vision, and saw her father suspiciously pale and unsure on his legs.

Her eyes involuntarily rolled back in her skull. It was always the same damn story: he was the CEO of a multi-million-dollar company, not a small-town carpenter unfamiliar with open bars, therefore he should’ve known better than to get wasted before midnight, but punctual like a Swiss clock, he proved to be unable to complete even such a simple task. Elain didn’t expect him to suddenly stop drinking, despite all the help his daughters offered and the professionals they were handsomely paying, but she felt like it wasn’t too much to ask for him to not make a fool of himself at public events.

“I could show you where the backdoor is,” suggested her interlocutor, offering his arm with a wink of his good eye. “That’s where I usually sneak out from anyway.”

Convincing her father to move away from the corner of the room where he had retreated, probably in vain search of the poorly positioned bathroom, wasn’t as simple as it may sound, but once they succeeded, Lucien helped her to keep him upright, to make as few guests as possible notice his state.

“After you,” he told her with a polite smile, when they finally reached their destination, before opening the plastic door and bowing to let her pass like the humble usher of one of the luxurious hotels where he too surely used to stay when he did something his parents wouldn’t have approved of.

As soon as she stepped out, the acrid smell of New York immediately flooded her nostrils, and she was sure that if it hadn’t rained so heavily a couple of fat rats would’ve welcomed them back into the real world too.

“My usual luck,” Elain muttered, trying to keep from shivering in the cold. Her jacket had remained in the wardrobe, as to attract as little attention as possible, but the taxi Lucien had kindly called was at least a couple minutes away, so she could only hope that the thin fabric of her dress didn’t show off her nipples hardened by the winter air.

“My mother told me cream goes great with green,” Lucien whispered, and before Elain could ask him what the hell he was talking about, she felt the weight of his blazer settle on her shoulders.

“Thank you,” she murmured, meeting his gaze perhaps for the first time since they’d taken shelter under the tiny plastic canopy. He wasn’t pitying her, he wasn’t amused nor even annoyed, he simply seemed used to helping strangers in need and vaguely sorry that their time together had come to a premature end.

“No need to thank me Cinderella,” he replied, very tenderly, the corners of his mouth slightly raised. “But now we have to load your father into the carriage.”

The taxi had indeed arrived at the only exit of the dead-end street, as close as possible to its future passengers. The pouring rain didn’t take long to soak her hair, and Lucien’s white shirt stuck to his arms, the muscles tense from the effort. The cold seemed to have brought her father a little back to his senses, but his tremors, mixed with an innate lack of coordination exacerbated by the alcohol, weren’t helping.

“Your jacket…” Elain started, once she was seated, but the owner shut her with a shrug.

“See it as a reason to look for me if you ever want to see me again,” he replied, and with that, he closed the door, gesturing for the driver to start moving.

“Where am I taking you, miss?” asked the man, who was already taking the road furthest from the entrance of the venue to avoid the paparazzi camped nearby despite the adverse weather, when he realized she wasn’t going to give him directions soon, the girl too focused on the encounter she just had. Blushing for the embarrassment, and with her mind focused mainly on the heat emanating from Lucien, whose shadow remained on her in the form of his velvet jacket, she absentmindedly provided him her address.

In a moment of clarity, Elain forced herself not to be delusional. Such a handsome and charming guy was certainly already taken, or at least he had a roster of sexy lovers. But then why be so nice? Why help with her father? She was still up wandering the kitchen and asking herself questions she couldn’t know the answers to when Nesta returned home, fortunately alone.

“Judging by your state no redhead was lucky tonight,” she tried to joke, but Nesta’s expression was deadly grave and she plopped down on one of the chaises longues in the living room dimly lit by the fireplace.

“Do you think we should send him back to rehab?” Elain asked, sitting down on the expensive rug the subject of their conversation had bought on his last trip to the Middle East.

“I say give him a second chance, but only one,” she replied, her gaze following the dancing flames.

“You should’ve stayed at the party,” Elain scolded her, resting her head on her thigh, left bare by the deep slit of her dress. “The situation is under control.”

“I can’t have fun when I know you’re shouldering his addiction alone,” Nesta replied, stroking her still damp hair, destroying definitively the elaborate hairstyle. Elain didn’t say anything else, but for some reason, as Nesta recounted her version of the evening, her eyes kept slipping to the door in hope a certain gentleman would ring the doorbell just to say goodnight. 

#acotar gift exchange #elucien #modern au #enchanted by taylor swift is the main inspo behind this #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #nesta archeron #neris if you squint #but they danced in canon too so if it's not your cup of tea you can ignore it #if it is tho let me know and i'll put together a little spin off in the blink of an eye

[mostlyghostie]

I really really love your art, your posts on my dash always make me excited :) I’m hoping to buy Christmas gifts from your store for some bookish friends of mine (and probably get something for myself too lol). As a budding artist myself, I was wondering if you consider it worthwhile to post on Tumblr. I’ve seen mixed reviews on whether or not it’s helpful for creators to try to generate business on Tumblr and was hoping you would weigh in :) thank you, and happy holidays!

Ah thank you so much!

I’d say that even though Tumblr has no algorithm or features to specifically try and sell products like the other social networks, I have probably generated 60% of all my sales from here.

I’m sure that if I really wanted to, I could make more from concentrating fully on Instagram, but to be honest, it makes me anxious trying to compete for attention on there. Tumblr rewards you for posting good stuff whenever you feel like it- sometimes I’ll get a thousand notes and half a dozen sales based on a post I made a year ago that has picked up momentum again, whereas you can post something at the wrong time of day on Instagram and it will never be seen by anyone. I also don’t have the time to learn how to make professional looking videos and am not keen on putting my face all over the internet either, both of which are seemingly important for Instagram and TikTok.

I like the lack of hustle culture here too, I am not bothered at all if people like and interact with my work forever without buying anything, because I’m also just sharing my work for fun. I don’t feel like I need to grow my audience because it just kind of happens organically here.

If I had to make art my main source of income, I’d need to sell a lot more so I would then probably dive into the other apps, but I’d keep Tumblr too. Oh, the Blaze feature is actually pretty fantastic, once I worked out which of my artworks the Tumblr audience were actually interested in, it’s a very simple and quick way of advertising.

(Send me a message when you order and I’ll put some free stuff in for you!)

Saying all that- you can still follow me Instagram / Shop

#my art #artists on tumblr #selling art #art commisions #instagram

[vulture-writes-stuff]

i love to imagine balls or formal dances at the pokémon scarlet and violet academies - like the purple/orange themes and the pokémon aaaaa

can i pretty please get an arven x reader (gn! - but preferably wearing a floor length dress?) either hcs or a fic of him being your date to the dance? maybe a bit of nsfw/suggestive content in between or after the dance?? i ADORE all your arven work btw <3

Oh man I've been low-key thinking about a prom thing for the academy... Mainly because I came across my prom pics and I remembered how slick I looked in that suit and how amazing my GF looked. She bought ME flowers can you believe it it was so amazing

Sorry this took ages I'm a very lazy man. Also, in an effort to keep this as gender neutral as possible, I didn't explicitly describe the reader's outfit. I left it up to your imagination though!!!

As a small apology for not putting the reader in a gown, I drew the friend group in their outfits for this. Can find that right here on my main blog!

Arven X GN Reader

The academy hosts a yearly ball, and champions have to participate. Unfortunately for Arven, his partner is a Champion, and forced him to come. He's not one for big social gatherings, but at least they're there to make it easier...

Reader is the SV protagonist, and is 18+. Same with Arven. Reader's appearance is left vague, and they have a Skeledirge. Reader is mentioned to be wearing something in their favorite color, and also mentions feeling overdressed at one point. Their clothing is not described other than that. Arven's outfit is explicitly described though.

Author's note: An interaction between Arven and the Champ gets a little spicy, but there's nothing explicit. Just wandering hands and making out. Not a smut, but just be aware of that!! Also background Penny/Nemona because I love them.

🚨⚠️ CONTAINS MAJOR SV SPOILERS!!! ⚠️🚨

Arven had never been a fan of big gatherings. Too many people clumped together in one place, too much noise and clamor. It always overloaded his brain.

Today, though, he was putting that distaste aside for ____. The Academy was hosting a formal ball of sorts for it's students, and attendance was mandatory for the two Champion representatives. ____ was less than thrilled about this news, and had basically begged Arven to come with them.

What kind of boyfriend would he have been if he declined?

Arven was currently standing in front of the mirror in his dorm, anxiously fixing his lilac blazer. He owned a grand total of one formal outfit, and he worried over whether or not it suited him. He'd tied his hair up at ____'s request, though he was concerned the hairtie he'd used would snap.

"What do you think, Mabosstiff? Is this- nice enough? Fancy enough?" He asked his buddy without really thinking, looking at the Pokemon through the mirror. Mabosstiff lifted his head, tail thumping against the floor.

"Wuff!" He barked helpfully, standing up to trundle up to Arven. The trainer gave him a worried pat on the head, sighing mournfully.

"Thanks, bud... I am in way over my head." Arven huffed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He perked up when he heard a knock at the door, adjusting his jacket one more time before hustling to open it.

____ looked about as anxious as he was, continually fixing their hair even if it already looked nice.

"Oh- H-Hey." They cleared their throat, rubbing the back of their neck. "You look good with your hair up like that. Not that you don't always look good, but... It's nice to see both of your eyes."

"Thanks!" Arven mindlessly tried to hook his thumbs in pockets that weren't there. ____ was wearing an outfit that suited them perfectly, in a color he knew was their favorite - they looked absolutely stunning. He probably could've just stood there and stared for the rest of the night. "You- you look incredible. I mean that, by the way."

"Oh, you. I feel so overdressed, it's ridiculous..." ____'s tension seemed to die as they laughed, walking forward to wrap him in a tight hug he happily returned. "...I'm really nervous. I have to give a whole speech, and I am not looking forward to it."

"You'll do amazing, I know you will." He reassured them, pressing a feather-light kiss to their forehead. "You always do amazing."

____ sighed, lingering on the spot for a few moments longer before they released Arven. Their arm was still looped in his, though, keeping him close to them.

"Alright, I'm ready as I'll ever be. Let's go find Penny and Nemona." They sighed. Arven gave them a final reassuring squeeze before they went off together.

The Academy's halls were oddly empty, considering how many students it had - it seemed most had already flocked down to where the event was taking place. There were a few stragglers here and there, mostly students waiting to meet up with their friends.

"Nemona said she's in the plaza already... Damn, that probably means we have to do our big speeches soon." ____ huffed, nervously scrolling through their texts. "Oh, man... You know how I said I was ready earlier? I'm not. I'm definitely not. What if I stutter and screw up, or I lose my train of thought? This is in front of *everyone*!"

"Hey, hey, you'll be alright. You can handle anything - you saved the entire region from an ecological disaster. You ride around on the back of a legendary pokemon, and you caught pokemon that are complete enigmas AND made them your friends!" Arven paused to grab their face, squishing their cheeks in his palms. "One speech won't hurt you. It doesn't matter if you stutter or lose your train of thought, or forget what you wanted to say entirely. You are absolutely incredible."

The two trainers were silent for a long moment, before ____ sniffled. Arven panicked.

"Oh, I didn't mean to make you cry- please don't cry, I'm sorry!!" He wrapped them up in a hug, one they reciprocated shakily.

"You're too good to me!" ____ exclaimed dramatically, burying their face in his chest. "Ohhh, I don't mean to get so emotional!"

"Deep breaths, just settle... In and out." Arven ran a hand down their back in an attempt to soothe them. They went quiet after a minute or so, wiping away at their eyes.

"Okay, I'm okay. I'm alright." ____ seemed to be assuring themselves more than Arven, which he thought was a smart choice. He continued to hold them even after they made to pull away, keeping an arm around their shoulders. "I've got this. All I've gotta do is- is talk about how the Academy helped me."

"You can do it. If not for me, do it for Mabosstiff." Arven joked lightly, and ____ laughed along.

"Right. Do it for Mabosstiff... And Skeledirge." They nodded wisely, and he hummed in agreement. The couple finally made their way down to the plaza - the faculty had set up a rudimentary stage, evidently for the sole purpose of speeches. The rest of the school plaza was decorated with lights, which made the whole place look lovely. Students milled about with their Pokemon, and staff chatted amiably with eachother.

Arven spotted Penny near the foot of the stairs - she was more dressed up than he'd ever seen her before, wearing a pastel dress and a fluffy coat. It almost reminded him of her eeveelutions... She was probably inspired by them. Penny was standing next to Nemona, chatting with Giacomo, Mela, and Ortega. Nemona had her arm slung casually around Penny's shoulder, and Arven could see from here that Penny was redder than a fresh tomato.

"Hey! ____, Arven!" Nemona spotted them first, lighting up as she waved. The former leaders of Team Star parted ways with a quiet 'Hasta la vistar! ☆', and the four remaining students met in the middle. "You both look great! Oh, ____, are you ready for-"

"The speeches we have to give." ____ groaned, prompting Nemona to scuff their shoulder playfully.

"You'll be fiiiine! It isn't the end of the world!" Nemona beamed, making Penny chortle.

"I dunno, talking in front of a lot of people is kind of the worst thing EVER." Penny gave ____ a sympathetic little shrug. "Talking in front of a few people sucks almost as bad, though."

"You get it." ____ sighed, slumping against Arven. "You both look great, by the way."

"Beat me to it." Nemona joked. Arven finally took the time to see what she was wearing - a deep maroon suit, much like his, with a bright red bowtie and a simple white dress shirt. She seemed to forgo wearing the jacket, wearing it like a cape over her shoulders... It reminded him vaguely of the Galarian champion, what was his name? Penny probably knew. "I helped Penny pick out her stuff - she didn't have anything to wear!"

"I wasn't planning on coming til you invited me." Penny huffed, though she didn't look upset. Before anybody else could talk, both ____ and Nemona's phones pinged.

"Ope - it's time! Come on, let's get it over with so we can have our Academy Double Date! Even if I'd prefer it be a Double BATTLE...." Nemona's voice trailed off as she grabbed ____ by the wrist and dragged them off. Arven gave their hand a final squeeze before they followed along, a final 'good luck.'

"Alright, Pipsqueak, let's find somewhere to watch." Arven adjusted his coat again, though it really didn't need adjusting. He made his way towards the gathering crowd, but Penny stopped him.

"Somewhere I can actually see from, ideally, you Big Lunk." Penny scolded, jabbing a finger over her shoulder towards the makeshift stage. There was an area off to the side that was less populated, and wouldn't require Penny needing to crane her neck to see what was happening.

The pair weaved through the crowds, finally finding a good spot to watch. It was close enough for them to actually hear, but far enough to not get surrounded by other students.

____ and Nemona were up on stage, quietly chatting to Director Clavell. Nemona seemed eager to do her speech, but Arven guessed based on ____'s expression that they were up first. Indeed, they stepped up to the microphone, briefly checking if it was actually on.

The crowd began to quiet as ____ cleared their throat, and soon enough all eyes were on them.

"... It's been almost a year now since I moved to Paldea. Next week, actually, marks a full 365 days." ____ started. "When I first came here from Unova, I admittedly had... Low expectations. For myself, more than anything. I was just some kid from Nuvema Town, I'd never picked up a PokeBall before."

They spotted Arven in the crowd, and he gave them a quiet thumbs up.

"But- y'know, being at the Academy has really changed everything. It's not every day the director himself comes knocking on your door to give you a Pokemon." ____ glanced at Clavell, who adjusted his glasses with a smile. "And it's also not every day you happen to meet your three best friends in the entire world on the same day, within a few hours of eachother. I know a lot of people think the same thing about themselves - oh, I'm just a nobody, I can't do what they do. But I want to tell you all, as someone who WAS a nobody... Success isn't out of reach. With support from your peers, you can climb to any height you can imagine... And I, as one of this school's two champions, am going to be your leverage. We can lift eachother up to be our best, and make something that we can be proud of."

Even if their speech was short and sweet, it got their desired message across - the crowd of students clapped politely as they hopped off the stage, dodging through people with surprising mastery. Arven only realized they were coming right to him when they gestured for him to follow.

"I'll be right back," Arven said, and Penny only vaguely hummed in response. She had her chin propped on her upturned palm, watching Nemona with a dreamy look in her eyes. He excused himself quickly right as Nemona began to talk, of course mentioning her love of battling.

Arven followed ____ up the stairs and into the school, where they rounded a corner into a hall. He lost track of them for a moment, before they grabbed his wrist and yanked him into an empty classroom.

"Why are you-" Arven is silenced when their lips meet his, and they push him back until he's sitting on one of the desks. He flings an arm back to hold himself upright as they casually clamber into his lap, disregarding the fact that they might screw up their nice outfit.

____ holds onto his blazer like a lifeline, and Arven takes a moment to figure out how to keep them both from falling over before he leans into them. They were so tense, it was rather surprising.

He runs his hand down the back of their neck, tracing his fingers down their spine - they shudder when he caresses the dip of their back, making a soft noise that he could barely hear.

"Arven..." They gasp as they pull apart for a moment, before eagerly diving back in for more. He happily reciprocates, finally comfortable enough to set both hands on their hips. Arven runs his palms down their thighs as they slide their fingers underneath his blazer, too impatient to try with the buttons. How long has it been? Arven can't think straight, trailing his hands up their thighs towards-

And then his phone rings. It's Nemona. Of course it is. ____ groans, flopping against him. Obviously this means they have to go back to the actual ball.

"Chin up, it'll be alright. Your big speech is over, I guess it's time we went and had fun." Arven can't help but feel a little disappointed. He did enjoy their time alone.

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Reasonable." ____ hopped up, fixing their outfit. "Come on, let's not leave Nemona waiting."

Short because I've been really busy lately, plus just not really felt like writing

Shits been rough. Hope you understand

#fanfic #x reader #writers on tumblr #pokemon x reader #writing requests #pokemon arven x reader #x gn reader #x female reader #x male reader #x gender neutral reader #pokemon scarlet and violet #spoilers #pokemon spoilers

[veroramona]

hello bestie,

I have the request for some fluff or fluff headcanons (whatever you feel more like writing) for my love Tendou Satori :D

love you <3

A/N: Of course, bestie! I've decided to settle for both, so be prepared for both headcanons and a little one-shot! And love you, too <3

Summary: Tendou fluff headcanons + fluff one-shot with a gn!reader

Warnings: Fluff (is this a warning even necessary? Idk lol)

Tagging @http-rae, @hornyf0ckers and @lololagni <3

Tendou Satori - Headcanons and one-shot

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❀ He loves playing with your hand while holding it. No matter where you are, he always holds your hand and plays with it. Sometimes he doesn't even notice that he does it until someone points it out.

❀ He loves resting his head on your chest while you rub circles on his back or run your hand through his hair. Add words of affirmation to that and he's in literal heaven.

❀ Sharing hoodies with you is a must. You wear his and he wears yours. His heart melts whenever he sees you wearing his hoodie. You look so cute!

❀ He feels more motivated when you cheer him on during his matches. He doesn't want to disappoint you, so obviously he does his best to score as many points as possible. His team thanks you for that.

❀ He keeps every gift that he has ever received from his friends and family. He never throws anything out. The thought of receiving gifts from those he likes makes him feel so appreciated.

❀ He would do anything for his partner. He loves them dearly and doesn't ever want to lose them. The thought of them leaving him makes him anxious and causes him to be quite clingy.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

"Alright," you say, leading your boyfriend into the kitchen. You have put a sleepmask on him before. Whatever you want to show him, it's meant to be a surprise.

He can hear you shuffling around a bit. He's curious. Why did you cover his sight? What do you want to show him? And what smells so delicious?

"Okay, you can take off the blindfold now."

With that, he pulls off the sleepmask, blinking in surprise and awe at what he perceives.

"Do you like it?"

Before him lies a tray full of wonderful cupcakes, each one looking unique. His lips curve into a bright smile as he admires the cupcakes.

"It took me quite some time to perfect them," you tell him sheepishly, rubbing the back of your neck.

"They all look so tasty, sweetheart!" He grabs one of the cupcakes and inspects it further. A violet glaze with purple and pink hearts on them.

"May I take a bite?"

"Of course, they're supposed to be eaten, Satori!"

He carefully takes a bite out of the cupcake. His taste buds are overwhelmed by the immaculate flavor. It tastes like strawberries!

"They're so yummy, (Y/N)! I love them!"

He finishes his cupcake and then wraps his arms around you, holding you in a tight embrace. He nuzzles his face into your hair and inhales deeply. He smiles. You smell just like the cupcakes.

"You did well, my wonderful (Y/N)."

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

© veroramona. Do not steal, edit, copy, repost or translate any of my work on any social media account or claim it as your own work. If you find someone who does that, please alert me and report the account!

#veroramona writes #haikyū!! #haikyuu!! #haikyu x reader #tendou satori #haikyuu tendou #tendou satori x you #tendou satori x reader #tendou satori x gn!reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x gn!reader #haikyuu fluff #fluff #tendou fluff

[nagitosasshole]

𝑩𝒐𝒅𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑩𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅

Vampire Copia / Papa Emeritus IV

(Dracopia) x reader

𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤:

◇ There is mention and description of gore right at the beginning, with only brief mentions of it afterwards ◇

◇ Copia isn't depicted as a 'soft' vampire

(The violence is strictly tied to Copia's vampirism) ◇

◇ Copia is Copia, and Copia is baby- but Copia also accidentally mauled an innocent person to death :^) ◇

◇ Sorta slow burn with lots of angst ◇

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before you get into it, do have mercy on me, please. i've not posted a story since i was 14-15 and it was not a serious attempt at all. this is my first ever actual attempt at a story, so feel free to send in any criticism or opinions, please!!

(and apologies if Copia or the Ghouls are out of character. this is just how i personally think they'd act!!)

love ya,, thanks!!

-

ali

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☆☆☆☆☆☆☆Chapter☆ 1☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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(reader) has watched Copia flourish from their anxious, awkward, and generally uncouth Cardinal to a powerful Papa. Years of budding friendship allows them to share nearly everything with each other. Be it shared anxieties, insecurities, or just the feeling of loneliness and not belonging.

Not even his sudden rise to power really surprises them, not when they saw their friend becoming more confident and proud over the years. They helped him through with open arms over his 6 years of coming to terms with himself.

They really thought they helped him through, that they knew everything about him.

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The sight of a panting Copia huddled painfully in a corner of the library as he helplessly claws at his cheeks and jaws, a pair of fingers dipping into his red-stained mouth in an attempt to expel whatever he'd consumed makes that belief fly out of the window.

Forcing myself to look away from my dear friend crumpled up in red, I shakily let my gaze drift a few feet away from Copia. Eyes following the red trail that seems to have followed him to the corner, finding the source sprawled across the libraries antique wooden flooring.

A Sibling of sin, laying in a position that if not drowned in blood would look sound asleep. I internally thank the lorde that their petrified face is lulled down, hidden with messy hair.

My mind cannot get rid of the image of their body covered in gashes and bites, and what looks to be bruises, and…

I feel bile rise in my throat as my eyes wander over their already paling skin, unable to rip my eyes away from the places where their skin has been torn, some places looking like it'd been done by teeth.

My body doesn't allow me to move, only forcing out a broken, chocked whimper as I forcibly move my eyes away from my fellow Sibling. The sound alerts Copia to my presence, making his head snap up as his hand shakily and limply slips from his drooling mouth, leaving a line of transparent red between his puffy lips and gloved fingers. His looks as if his entire world is crumbling around him with just the glossy, overflowing look in his eyes.

I can only sob out a crackly and nearly silent call of his name before he's darting out of the room faster than I've ever seen him. I could only stumble out of the library, expression void and sunken as I slowly walk back to my room, sticking to the walls with a light hand to keep myself upright. My brain finally -for once- spares me some mercy, allowing my thoughts to ease into nothingness. Allowing me to make it to my room with an empty brain as I unceremoniously dump my weighted body to my bed. I don't sleep well that night.

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After that day, I stuck to myself. Everything I enjoyed, I abandon.

Everything I once did to socialize, I abandon.

Even small pleasures and things I enjoy I abandon in favor of hudling under my covers until I'm forced to crawl out of them.

My drop in work quality doesn't go unnoticed by Sister or my peers. I have talk after talk with Sister, endlessly forced to voice why I'm hiding away and shying away from my extra work- only to get nothing out of me.

Even my fellow Siblings notice when I quietly and half heartedly tell them I cannot do their work, or even help them anymore. Never offering a reason as to why.

They'll never know that I see that Sibling from the library when I look at them.

Their very clothing, the habit that I myself wear makes me sick, sending nauseating memories of that night in the library. I've had to cover my mirror and turn around with clenched eyelids as I get dressed.

I can't even bare to look at myself.

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The first week I spend spinning memories of the ghouls and Copia in my brain, frantically attempting to convince myself it was a dream, knowing my Copia would never…

No, not a dream.

It's apparent in the way he's avoided me.

My thoughts only give way to ugly sobs as I suffocate them my pillow.

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The second week I spend repeatedly rocking myself on my bed, back bent over my knees with my arms locked around them, blanket covering my compacted body and i endlessly attempt to self sooth. The fear of what I saw grows along with the disgustingly potent need to see Copia.

I internally curse myself, screaming at and berating myself for wanting to see him. Surely he's not the man you knew. My brain attempts to conjure the word monster in my desprate attempt to right myself, only for it to falter before I can even think it.

I could never think of him as a monster.

My brain is definitely faulty. Some wires or circuits are definitely frayed or fucked up, surely.

But I could never see him as a monster.

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On the third week, I give into desprate mindsets.

Letting myself stare at messy handwriting, intentionally vague, bland…not a word of what happened.

i hope your work is treating you well. i miss your company. you are well??, I wrote plainly, the shake in my writing betraying the anxiety I felt when writing it. In the dead of the night, I sneak out of my room to place the note outside his door. I didn't dare even write my name on the letter for fear he'd discard it.

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On the fourth week, I continue writing notes. Some more stiff and short than others, while some could be long and drawn out as if I were spewing out what was in my mind if he were truly there. There's always an air of emptiness and sadness to my writing.

My notes increased along with my appearances outside of my room. Only long enough to get to and from, but it was progress. There was always an air of panic around me when I dropped of a note for Copia to find. Always to avoid the library in my attempts to catch a glace at or the attention of him.

My efforts only bore fruit a couple of times, and yet they meant nothing. Only the slight widening of Copia's eyes showed he saw me at all before he'd turn his head, acting as Papa once more.

At the same time, acting as if I didn't exist.

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It started with the fleeting sights of the ghouls around me, always watching through the day. That's definitely not a rare or even unappreciated occurrence, but they hardly ever come to talk to me anymore. Usually, my day would be filled with chores, then my optional work later on in the day- be it doing simple errands for the overworked Papa's, or perhaps a Sibling of sin who wants to blow off work, but most of all gardening work with Papa Primo-

All of my off time you'd see me kneeling on stiff, hurting knees as I giggle along with whatever Primo is drawling on about, counting the time on the old-fashioned clock Primo keeps around as I wait for Copia to be done with work. Conversations help me forget time as Primo's aged hands guide and teach me how to properly care for his beloved plants.

A handful of times the two of us are accompanied by a helpful Mountain or Aether, the two helping lift heavy things that I can't manage, even less so the elder Papa. It's always warm, friendly ghouls always wandering through the garden to chat and cut up with me and Primo.

On rare occasions, we even find some of Secundo's ghouls wandering through. They hardly talk, but they prove to be good company still with how attentive they are to the garden's needs, proving to be quite good listeners, too. It's a real treat, but most of our visitors are Primo's own ghoul's, and (now) Copia's ghouls. Primo's ghouls (and the few retired ghouls. cough cough cowbell cough) will always stay near the gardens, ever loyal to their Papa. While Copia's ghouls are just plain and simple the most personable and sociable of the lot.

Soon I found my friendships with the kindly Papa and the ghouls flourishing like the flowers we care for so often.

It's no surprise it bled through "work" and into everyday life. Perhaps I was already friendly with them, knew them because of Copia, but I'd like to think the time we spent working together as a group made us close. It would explain how for the last few years, they made a habit of watching over me and approaching me to talk whenever they saw me.

I always appreciated how they looked over me rather than me being creeped out by it. In a way I understand their odd habits and affections. It made me feel safe knowing that they cared for me enough to have an eye out for me, even the notoriously hotblooded (asshole) Dewdrop.

But nowadays they only watch, and notably only Copia's ghouls. Maybe that's why their lack of seeking me out combined with their increased watching makes my neck prick with a chilled sensation. It just doesn't feel right. Maybe they're worried by my abrupt disappearance from our daily gardening routine, or maybe they can sense my dismal mood. Whatever it is, they don't say anything.

It only makes me want to hide away in my room more. Away from responsibilities and questions, and sure as hell away from who I consider my dear friends unreadable gazes. It makes my stomach twist and churn until I make it my mindless mission to make my way from room to room, never staying in one room longer than necessary during chores. The relief I feel from "evading" a ghoul is always short lived when after only a few minutes, I notice a different ghoul in the room I'm in.

I don't dare call out to them or say anything. Not unless they say something first. The fear pricking inside of me restrains my need to know what's going on, effectively silencing me and forcing my body to continue on with the world's worst game of where's the ghoul. I have an idea of why they're like this, anyway.

What I saw…

Surely whatever friendship I think I had with them was trumped by their loyalty to their master. They probably see me as a liability now. Waiting patiently with open ears for a slip up, waiting for me to break and spout out what I saw. Shouting to my fellow Siblings of sin that our beloved Papa IV is a monster.

That's why on the fourth week, when he finally acknowledges me in full, my heart nearly falls to my toes. With a single note with my name writen in neat writing poised on my bedside table, my heart thunders in my chest.

He had one of his ghouls come into my room and place it, or maybe he did it himself…the thought makes me lean agaisnt my headrest for support as I snatch the letter up with a shaky hand.

If you really wish to do this, come to my room.

9 : 0 0

I will be there. I will be waiting.

- yours,

Copia

My nerves make me feel as if I'm going to throw up as I scan my aching eyes over his writing. Even the fact he wrote 'Copia' instead of 'C' makes me feel ill. With a pained groan, I rub my sweaty forehead. "fuck this…", I think out loud, voice broken and scratchy from lack of use. "I'm gonna take a shower…lorde knows I need one."

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additional notes:

alrighty then, thanks for reading all the way through!! hope u enjoyed it!!

i'll have an ao3 account soon enough. hopefully, the formatting will be just how i want it, but until then, i hope how it is at the moment is okay!!

-

ali

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#copia x reader #cardinal copia x reader #papa iv x reader #dracopia x reader #vampire copia #vampire papa iv #mmmm delicious drama and trauma #ghost x reader #ghost the band x reader #ghost bc x reader #covering all bases with the name smh #papa emeritus iv x reader #Dracopia #first fanfic #dont crucify me pls #the nameless ghouls #papa emeritus x reader #cardinal copia #papa iv

[icedmatchatae]

Cien Años | KNJ

Pairing: Best Friend Namjoon x Best Friend Reader

Genre: Hanahaki AU, Angst, Fluff (barely)

Summary: A sad story of two best friends who loved each other for different reasons.

Warning: UR GONNA BE SAD, namjoon being in denial, oc being out of the loop, flashbacks :(, a lot of crying from everyone, mentions of death (nobody dies tho!), mentions of surgery, illness, unrequited love, there's somewhat of a happy ending!

Word count: 15.1k because I'm a menace

Note: Italics are flashbacks.

A/N: Inspired by the song "Cien Años" by Natalia Lafourcade & Pepe Aguilar. My friends told me to write a story about it...so I did.

I've also cross-posted this originally on AO3 as well! Enjoy~~~

You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply.

Trembling fingers gripping onto your daisy bouquet as you controlled your shaky breathing. You faced the closed doors, waiting for the queue. One by one, you saw your bridesmaids leave you until you were alone. A light sheen of sweat expanded on your back; luckily, the laced fabric hid your nervousness of today.

What awaited inside would be your most anticipated life-changing event yet. Once you leave there, two souls become one, purposeful promises are committed with expected hardship to overcome. The day you are officially united with the love of your life.

You’ve been waiting for this day, and you couldn’t wait any longer. At the other side of the doors, there stood your soon-to-be husband smiling like a maniac. You wanted this so badly, nervous because the ceremony separated you from your soulmate. But it’ll be okay.

Because he was worth it.

-

He was dressed in a suit with his hands intertwined behind his back.

His mouth opened in awe at the sight of you. You slowly walked down the aisle with your father at your left side. His arm linked firmly around yours. With bittersweet eyes, he looked like he didn’t want to let you go but knew he had to for the best. 

Your dress flowed down with grace, the train behind dragging along the carpeted floor. Your effortless beauty that it shined through your sheer veil. You held onto your favorite flowers, handpicked by him, and will forever keep them in your memories.

Your smile beamed through your family, friends, and esteemed guests, but he could tell how anxious you were deep inside. He knew how much love you had in you, how much soul and care you had to offer. He knew everything about you. After all—

Namjoon has loved you ever since you were younger.

-

When you first met Namjoon, you were about 11. The smartest nerd in school was your partner for a science project. Between the introduction and the first place win, you’ve gotten to know him much better and enjoyed his presence.

It baffled you to discover the lanky boy with thick-rimmed rectangular glasses and who wore velcro shoes listened to Nas and Eminem. Did you mention that he had a bowl cut? Because he did.

He only fascinated you, even more, wanting to befriend you, not realizing he would be one of the most influential people in your life. He quickly became your best friend, and you were inseparable. You graduated high school and college together and even were roommates for many years.

You never saw life without him, your best friend.

Being together more than half of your life, Namjoon didn’t realize the day he met you was the first sign of him falling in love with you.

“Why do you have so much sugar?” Namjoon questioned, observing you next to him when you pulled out a ziplock bag of sugar packets. You pulled one out and ripped it open. You shook the pouch over your mouth, collecting the sweetener on your taste buds. He unapologetically grimaced at you.

“It’s a snack; also, since my mom said I’m too young to drink coffee, I took all of the sugar in our house since I get so much energy.” You simply explained, offering him a packet.

He paused and sighed, joining you in eating packets and packets until you both were a giggling mess.

You were pretty odd, almost lacking social cues, but he couldn’t be one to talk since he was awkward himself. Your aura was not something he was used to, but he never regretted it and grew to love your unusualness. It was one of the characteristics of why he loved you dearly. 

Your bright smile, aggravating yet endearing personality, and how much you gave yourself to others wholeheartedly created a rippling effect on his heart. But almost too much as it lets you get hurt by others. 

He remembered the day you came home with shedding tears falling on your face. He was working on a group essay in your shared living room with Jimin, a friend and peer from his classes, when a loud bang disrupted their concentration.

“He cheated on me!” You sobbed as you dropped your things to the wooden floor. You quickly spotted your best friend and tackled him. You clutched onto his shirt, pushing your head into his chest with your cries staining the fabric.

Without second-guessing, Namjoon wrapped his arms around your fragile form, kissing your hair. He rubbed your back as you continued to sob at your broken heart. He eyed Jimin, apologizing for the interruption, but he understood. The shorter man gestured for him to text him later before departing your home.

After your weeping died down, you explained how you saw your boyfriend of seven months cuddling and making out with another girl at a coffee shop on the other side of the city from where you lived. With the bit of courage you had, you confronted Seokjin and threw your boiling hot tea at him before running away.

Namjoon was angry for you and wanted to beat Seokjin up for doing this to you. But what’s worse, this wasn’t the first time something had happened. You were hurt by many others before because you gave too quickly; you gave the benefit of the doubt to those undeserving of it.

You tried your best to learn from your mistake and took extra precautions, but somehow the next man in your life gets trickier and more conniving than the last.

“Why does this happen to me?”

You sat on your apartment complex’s rooftop, looking at the bright glowing city. It was past midnight; Namjoon thought it was a great idea to get some convenience store snacks and ramen while you get some fresh air.

“Like was I a descendent of Judas?” You rhetorically asked.

“I’m not a theology major, but I don’t think Judas had any children.” He pointed out as he slurped his noodles.

You glared at him and his intelligence, “Don’t correct me now.” You slammed your ramen bowl on the makeshift table made from a stack of wooden pallets. “I thought he was the one.”

“I know you’re hurt, flower. Hurt is only temporary. You’ll heal; it’ll take time, though. It’s really shitty that it happened to you.” His comforting words eased your emotional state, using his nickname for you.

It wasn’t anything cute. He only does it because you told him you used to eat flowers when you were younger. Your parents were scared and brought you to the hospital, it was a whole thing, but he liked to pick on you and made sure you wouldn’t forget your stupidity.

“Is there something wrong with me? Be honest.” You genuinely asked. Your puffy eyes met his, waiting for his response.

He stared at you. Underneath the full moon and the illumination from the cityscape, faint shadows fell onto your features. Your irises sparkled with the dimming sense of hope in you. He hated seeing you like this, seeing the light in you slowly giving up.

He placed down his bowl before reaching for your hands. He intertwined your fingers together, comparing the size difference between you two. He grinned lightly, but enough to display the dimples on his cheeks.

“Seokjin was stupid and never realized what was before him.” He answered, licking his lips and tasting the spice of the meal. Your mouth curled at his words, holding his fingers tightly around yours. “Nothing is wrong with you, just your taste in men.”

“Hey!” You let go of him and slapped his shoulder, pouting your lips. “Stop it!”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He chuckled, putting his hands in surrender. 

“I’m questioning why you’re my best friend.” You seethed through your teeth.

“Flower, you’re one of the most special people.”

You snorted at his comment, “Nice try.”

“It’s true.” He countered. His smile faded a little, noticing your lack of confidence. “Special people like you will get infinite wishes that your little heart desires. Everything you hope for will come true. You’ll get what you truly deserve, flower. It’ll just take time.”

You gazed back at him. The twinkling lights in your pupils appeared at his reassurance. “Thank you, Joon. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

It was a common exchange between you two, but little did Namjoon know, it held a deeper meaning.

Though Seokjin never saw what was in front of him, Namjoon never noticed what he had until it was too late.

-

Years passed, and you eventually moved on from your heartbreak, having Namjoon by your side. You seemed happier and cheerful while he watched you. But you never were with anyone ever since.

You went on to bigger and better things, like landing a high-paying corporate job after college. Namjoon also was doing well, from being an intern climbed his way to the top in being the art curator at the national museum. You were both proud of each other and your accomplishment, always cheered one another on when times got tough.

However, despite your successes, you agreed it was time to move out of your janky apartment and part ways. It was a harsh transition since you’ve seen each other every day for over ten years, but you made it work. You promised to text and call every day and update anything that happened.

Namjoon could never leave you and you the same back. Again, you and he were inseparable.

You two scheduled dinner at the end of the week. Ever since you got promoted, your schedule restricted you from spending time with him, but you kept your promise to call and text. Namjoon was currently working on his first major project for the museum and was excited to tell you all about it. You couldn’t wait either.

But for now, he had lunch with Jimin at a café since the shorter finally had time in his hectic residency life.

“It was so wild. I saw anything like it before.” Jimin talked about a patient he had and their diagnosis, Hanahaki Disease.

Jimin explained how Hanahaki Disease was this exponentially progressing illness that stemmed from unrequited love. Flowers–the popular indication of the disease–bloom in the person’s lungs and heart and can only be intensified. His patient had stage four of this Hanahaki Disease.

“I’ve read about it in the books, and cases were rare. Seeing it first hand was very tragic.” Jimin sighed, recalling his experience.

“What does stage four mean?” Though Namjoon was skeptical, he was interested in this so-called disease.

“It means the roots from the flowers have grown into his respiratory system. He came in choking on his blood and coughing up sunflowers.”

“Why sunflower?”

“It was his wife’s favorite flowers.” Jimin’s face gloomed lower. “Poor guy caught her cheating, and the painful love was too strong.”

Namjoon hissed at the thought, “I feel for him.”

“Yeah, so at that point, he either dies or gets surgery to remove the roots.” The shorter concluded. “Sorry for the depressing story, but I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“You’re good, man,” Namjoon reassured. “Though you saw it, it’s quite an unusual diagnosis, don’t you think? I mean, doesn’t it sound far-fetched? Like love really made that happen?”

“It does, but you won’t think that way if you saw it in front of you. Love can do a lot to someone.” Jimin reasoned back. “There’s little evidence on it, but it does happen.”

The pairing sat in silence, processing the tragic story. Namjoon wondered how severe love has to be for you to end up like that. He had never really experienced that kind of love before; it wasn’t hard to love, in his opinion, but loving someone had to be chosen wisely and thoughtfully. Love shouldn’t hurt. 

“Anyways, besides me and flower vomiting patients, how are you and the art life?” Jimin changed the subject to a lighter feel. He knew about Namjoon’s project and was impatient to see the final product. “How’s the project? What was it about again?”

“It’s going great. Stressful, but I’m enjoying every bit of it.” He smiled, thinking about his passion. “I guess your story was a great transition to my project. It’s about love. Various meanings and interpretations of love worldwide, so I’ve been obtaining many pieces overseas to display them.”

“Ahh, so you’re gonna get typical ones like The Kiss by Gustav Klimt or that one by Picasso?” Jimin semi-mocked, incorporating very little knowledge about art.

“No, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Namjoon rolled his eyes, munching on his salad. “The museum wanted me to go through a different approach and find more modern and recent artists.”

“So, like up and coming artists?” The shorter asked, and he hummed in response. “I guess, what type of approach are you having with love?”

“Well, love is more than a feeling. It’s hard to put into words. It’s an essence that can be explained through various points of view.”

“Yeah, Mr. Smartass. Stop being so technical!”

“I’m just saying! Love causes emotions. It’s a concept to profess desires and connectedness to someone within an individual, so that’s why that Hanahaki Disease seems exaggerated.” Namjoon argued his thoughts. “I’m not saying love doesn’t exist or anything. It’s here somewhere.”

“This is why you don’t have a girlfriend.” Jimin scoffed, leaning back into his chair. Namjoon ignored his comment like usual before his phone pinged a message.

It was you, and he was delighted to open it. A picture of your lunch, or rather lunches. He saw another plate from the opposite end of the table. It was probably Ryujin, your coworker buddy you spent your time with.

“Is that ___?” Jimin had a devilish smile on him.

“Yeah?? What about it?” Namjoon replied to you with, “Bruh, that looks bomb. Enjoy!” And locked his screen before paying attention to his friend before him. “You know we communicate a lot.”

“Yes, I know the many instances.” Jimin agreed. “But seeing you smile just by a text says more than you say. Actions speak louder than words!”

“Jimin, we’re not going through with this again.” The taller shook his head at his friend’s persistence. “I told you I don’t love her like that. She’s been my best friend for years!”

“Yeah, but I don’t see you giggling, kicking your feet, and twirling your hair thinking about me.” Jimin retorted, folding his arms over his chest. “You probably don’t notice it since you’ve been with her all this time, but you give one another so much, more than friends usually do.”

“Maybe, it’s just you because you end up sleeping with your opposite gendered friends.”

“Hey, that was three times! And I was drunk for two.”

“Point is that ___ and I have been best friends for years . Neither of us did anything like that in the time being and never will.”

“Because you never made a move and acknowledged yo—”

“Jimin.” Namjoon interrupted sternly, wanting to end this conversation. Jimin never understood your friendship with him and constantly suspected that there was something more than what met the eyes. He could sense it, but Namjoon refused to listen.

“Fine, I’ll stop.” Jimin sighed. “At least acknowledge my words.”

Namjoon gulped his iced coffee and thinned his lips, “Maybe.”

He should have listened.

-

After dinner, he took you to the museum. Due to his respected status, he had the privilege of possessing the keys to artistic treasures. It was a way for him to move back and forth with any work beyond the public hours. And because you had the privilege of being his best friend, you could see the Love exhibition he finalized that morning and now waiting for the official opening in two weeks.

The stepping of your heels echoed within the empty museum. Your eyes scanned through the beautiful artwork before you, enchanted by the different styles and meanings, yet they all revolved around one concept: love.

You stole little glances of Namjoon, his attention invested in the paintings as he passed by you. You appreciated his passion for his job, bringing purpose to his life and those around him. He gave you comfort and solace in your chaotic life, and no amount of gratitude can equate to his actions and words.

However, you were nervous around him this time, playing out what to say and do. Sure, he never cared before, but you were a bit self-conscious with this one. You wanted to approach it right. After all, what he said and did matters to you. He was important.

Your eyes landed on a particular piece, never seeing anything like it. The painting contained four bodies. Two of which embraced one another on top of a hill as birds and flowers bloomed around them. Hues resembled joy and, of course, love. As you shifted down the mountain, the third subject laid down, surrounded by colors of gloom and sorrow. Wilting flora consumed the body. The complete opposite of the couple on top. However, the final form was rather strange because you barely saw it. You could see the background behind it, almost like a ghost.

“I see you found my favorite piece in the exhibit.” Your best friend announced with a grin. You were too into the painting to realize he stood by you. He carefully inspected the artwork, absorbing the emotions it gave and the purpose of the artist’s creation. 

“Why is your favorite?” You wondered, your eyes still attentive to the piece.

“To be honest, I’ve met with the artist before during my work trip in Mexico. Great guy, his interpretations were so philosophical that it expanded my knowledge that it only left me wanting more from him.” Namjoon expressed. “This is my favorite piece because, for once, he had something that portrayed a specific visual he wanted to convey, and I’m also sure that many people can relate.”

“And that is?”

“It’s a story.” He began. “A depressing one. Once upon a time, a man and woman fell in love, and they lived happily ever.”

“That doesn’t sound too sad.” You chuckled.

“You didn’t let me finish.” He mentioned, making you shut your mouth. “As the couple danced to their love, they never realized that someone from afar also fell in love with her. That’s him.” He pointed to the covered body. “All the flowers he sent her returned to him, and he slowly died from it. The last body is him, but he’ll forever roam the world with this emptiness inside. But at the very least, he can stay afar, looking at her and seeing her happy.”

“Ouch, that fucking hurts.” You pouted at his description. No one should ever go through that.

“The painting is called Cien Años by Pepe Lafourcade.” He informed. “Pepe said if he lived 100 years, he’d think of her for 100 years.”

“Tragically captivating.” You nodded before shifting your eyes onto your best friend, who was already gazing at you.

Namjoon swore his world stopped by witnessing you and your very radiant form. You looked much healthier now, caring for yourself and enhancing your beauty more than yesterday but less than tomorrow. He observed a new necklace on you, perhaps a treat for your hard work, he assumed. You deserved it. You always did. He saw you like you were the only one in the world, his world.

And no one could compare to you.

He wished to be with you as long as he could.

His stare flustered you a bit; you’ve never seen anything like it. You thought you were seeing things and had some assumptions in your mind. But you merely pushed them because they weren’t necessary anymore.

You broke the eye contact as you focused on your feet. You had to speak to him. “Joon?”

“Yes, flower?” He crouched down, trying to find your eyes, laughing at how timid you were. It was peculiar to act like this with him. He didn’t want to say anything when you first met up. He wanted you to tell him naturally.

You gave up and finally faced him again. Your large doe eyes were his favorite; he never told you but enjoyed seeing them. “I have to tell you something. Something important.”

“Oh, how important?”

“Kinda big? Uh, serious, actually.”

“How so,” He was being playful, but that’s only because he was unaware of how much the words that came out of you will affect him in the long run.

“I’ve been dating this guy for the past six months…uhhh, Jungkook is his name, and I’m falling in love with him.”

Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook.

-

Namjoon’s attention focused on you as you reached the end of the aisle. Your father gave you a goodbye kiss before he lets go of you. You turned away from him and smiled gently, with giggles in between biting your lips. The unconditional true love flashed in your eyes.

But it wasn’t directed towards him.

Instead, it was for the man in front of him. The groom.

Jeon Jungkook.

The love of your life.

-

“I’m sorry, who?”

Namjoon was utterly stunned at what you just said. You were dating someone for a while, and you didn’t tell him? Your best friend? Now you’re in love with that guy?

“His name is Jungkook, and we—”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He felt offended and angry by your decision. It wasn’t like you. You told him everything. You told him about Seokjin the second you talked to him. The name was vaguely familiar. He had heard it before. Wait—

“Isn’t he your boss?” Namjoon asked incredulously.

“Well, not anymore. I got promoted and transferred to another department, remember?” You tried your best to explain yourself. “I mean, he technically is. He runs part of the corporation.”

“W-why? H-how?”

“We had to keep it a secret. I couldn’t tell you….”

“Couldn’t tell me? Me, your best friend?��� He forced a laugh, but there was nothing funny in his tone.

“I’m sorry, I—”

“Flower, how could you be so fucking stupid like that? Don’t you know how dangerous that is?”

Namjoon regretted those words the second they came out of his mouth. Your facial expression said it all, insulted and hurt by your best friend. Your face became sour with your lips trembling. God, you hated how sensitive you were being. But like you said, what he said or did mean so much to you.

So it hurt when he didn’t support you.

He took a step towards you, but you stepped back. “___, I—”

“I thought you’d understand.” Your eyes were glossy, blinking away to fight the hurt from being released. You shook your head, “Like how my best friend usually is. I thought you would be supportive.”

Silence drowned you two. Namjoon had no words, all he could think about was how much he disappointed you. You said nothing and couldn’t bother dealing with him. Like what he told you if you didn’t want to deal with the situation right now, just walk away.

So you did, leaving him alone in the museum as you called Jungkook to pick you up.

-

Namjoon couldn’t comprehend what he was feeling right now. His breath shivered at this indescribable tension in his stomach and chest. His fingers were finicky, needing to do something to keep the thoughts at bay. But all through his mind was you. He remained unfocused, especially since you didn’t reply to his texts or answer his calls. The unknown of what you were doing and how you felt bothered him, distracting his brain away from everything around him.

You were in love with your boss, and he had no idea. He couldn’t recollect any hints or say about you dating someone. Sure, you’ve gotten happier, but he thought it was because of him…that you were spending your time with him…

If he was honest with himself, he wasn’t mad that you didn’t tell him. It was probably the rational thing to do since Jungkook was well-known in the business—Namjoon had to search him up. It was most likely to keep word from spreading, and no one knew. 

In fact, he was more uncomfortable than you were with someone. He has seen what happened to you in the past and didn’t want you to get hurt. He knew nothing about this Jungkook guy and feared the worst from him yet.

It was the night of the official opening of his exhibition, and you still weren’t talking. This was the longest you haven’t spoken to each other. It made Namjoon stay up at night running a busy mind. He started getting worried, thinking he fucked up your whole friendship and his shitty remarks. He was so upset with himself that he wasn’t feeling well.

Namjoon was weary for a couple of weeks, with a scratchy throat and a loss of appetite. It was probably stress from everything that was going on with planning and, of course, his dilemma with you. Hopefully, after tonight, he’ll be a little bit better. Though he begged to differ when he developed slight coughing in the morning.

The murmur of guests crowded the museum’s main lobby, some of the artists that he collected for the exhibit also attended. Unfortunately, Pepe wasn’t here due to conflicting schedules, but he gave his wishes to Namjoon.

People went up to him, admiring and congratulating him and his work. Namjoon could only smile politely and share his thanks. It was a big day for him, and if it was a success, it’d open him to a new world of the arts. Famous artists and museums would know him, and his approach to his work would get recognized by many.

Yet, his mood was down, hoping that a certain someone would see him on a day like this.

“Sup, bro!!” A few invitees glowered at the person for the loud disruption, but he did not care. “Calm down, don’t give me dirty eyes. I’m probably more educated than all of you combined.”

One of the security guards came toward his friend, “Excuse me, si—”

“It’s Dr. Park,” Jimin corrected before grabbing a flute of champagne from the waiter. The guard was about to protest, but Namjoon raised his hand, reassuring them that he was, unfortunately, an important guest. He winked cheekily at him through his slit-like eyes with his pride held high. Security glared at the doctor once more before leaving the premises.

“Jimin, don’t make a scene. It’s bad enough they see us together.” Namjoon exhaled, swirling his drink with a straw.

“How is it bad? We’re besties! I’m so proud of you.” Jimin shrugged but slowly changed his tone to a more serious one as he looked at his friend’s expression. “What’s wrong? You don’t look too good.”

“I’m fine, just been coughing since this morning.” Namjoon cleared his throat, but the shorter knew there was much more.

“Haven’t talked to her since?”

Namjoon sighed and nodded, “I’m worried I fucked our friendship.”

The doctor bit back his tongue. He needed to comfort his friend now, then tell him off later. “She’s upset, but it won’t be enough to stop your friendship. She’ll come around; she just needs time.”

“I know, but—” Namjoon swore he stopped breathing. From across the room, he spotted you. He didn’t think you’d come. His pupils dilated at your appearance. You were absolutely breathtaking like you were prized artwork in the museum, capturing the hearts of anyone who came by.

His heart weirdly skipped a beat.

Your eyes met his, then smiled at his success and waved. You headed in his direction. However, the closer you came, the more he realized you weren’t alone.

Hand in hand, a tall, strong-built man followed by you. His round eyes observed the area while his mouth was agape at the ambiance. His features were strong yet soft, and he looked approachable. He was around your age, reasonably young for someone running part of a whole corporation.

“Joon,” You greeted before letting go of the man to hug your best friend. You shocked him, his body stiffening up, then relaxing at your familiar warmth and comfort. He wrapped his arms around you, firming his grip. “Congratulations!”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His eyes watered up, not realizing that he had held back tears since that night. You were finally here with him, and the emotions let loose.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad anymore.” You promised as you pulled away to look at his face. Some tears fell down to which you wiped them off with your gentle thumbs. “I’m sorry I didn’t reply; that was a bitch move.” 

“No, you had every reason.” He begged to differ. “I didn’t even give you a chance to speak.”

“Next time, we’ll communicate better.” You proposed, and he nodded quickly, knowing that your friendship remained strong as ever.

“Yay, you made up. What about me?” Jimin pushed his way into you. You giggled and hugged him too.

“Hello, Dr. Park. Long time no see, looking dangerous as ever.” You said.

“Hello, ____. Long time no see, Looking ravishing as ever. And yes, always dangerous, but no one needs to know.” He smiled boldly, then shifted his attention to the man biting his lips, holding a bouquet. “Who might this be?”

All your attention goes towards the newcomer, bulging his eyes but letting out a bunny-like smile. Carrying some flowers with one hand, he used the other to wave and bow.

“This is Jungkook…my boyfriend.” You revealed to the two men.

Right on cue, Namjoon coughed harshly. He gulped some water and tried clearing his throat again. You raised an eyebrow at him, but he gave you an okay signal.

“Jungkook, this is Namjoon.”

Jungkook handed you the bouquet, then he went up to the taller man and shook his hand with both of his, “Hello, Namjoon. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard nothing but great things from this one.” He gestured to you. Namjoon accepted the greeting and nodded silently. He needed to be civil, at least for now.

“And this one is Dr. Park Jimin.” You presented. “Remember, he’s a doctor.”

“And don’t you forget about it,” Jimin added on. Jungkook shook his hand as well. “I heard of your corporation. I saw on the news that you opened two new shelters for mothers and children. You do great work.”

Jungkook blushed and smiled, “Oh, yes. Thank you. It was a hard process, but I hope to do more of them in the future.”

“Oh, these are for you.” You said, passing the bouquet to your best friend.

Namjoon inspected the flowers—daisies, his favorite flowers because they were your favorite.

“This is a celebratory gift for your first solo exhibit and an apology.” You continued gazing at your best friend, trying to communicate telepathically, which Namjoon was fully aware of.

Somehow that hinted Jungkook into saying, “Dr. Park, do you think you can accompany me to the hors d’oeuvres? Let’s leave these two to talk.”

Impressed at his request, Jimin nodded, enjoying the man so far. The shorter glanced at Namjoon to give him some good luck before joining Jungkook’s food adventure.

There, you both were alone but not really knowing how to start this. This was the longest you’ve been apart, let alone fight like that. In fact, you rarely fought. There was nothing that came in between you two until now.

“He seems nice,” Namjoon commented about your new…boyfriend. “His mannerisms are a bit mechanical, though.”

You let out a chuckle, “He’s nervous. He wants to impress you.”

“Big CEO wanting to impress a small-time art curator? That’s new.”

“Well, big CEO knows that the art curator means a lot to me.” You went along with his saying. “He wants you to like him.”

“Why would he care about what I think?” Namjoon muttered, feeling a bit jittery. He held the bouquet tightly to keep his movements in control.

“Because he knows that I care about what you think.” You replied. “He was sad when I told him how you reacted because he was afraid. He doesn’t want you to think badly of him.”

“Not wanting to compare, but it’s hard not to after how many before he treated you.” He frowned as he said his thought out loud. “I don’t want you to get hurt, flower.”

You smiled softly at his care towards you. That’s what you loved about him. “Joon, he’s not going to hurt me. I can tell you that.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I made the first move.” You revealed. “And though he’s stern and serious about his work—bless his soul—he is so shy, Joon. He was a nervous wreck, confessing his crush on me. It felt like I was in high school.”

Namjoon couldn’t imagine it. At first, he didn’t think that shyness would be a characteristic of Jungkook. Then again, he doesn’t know anything about him. He didn’t accept him at all, probably not anytime soon for safety precautions. 

“He’s the first man in a long time for me, and I’ve been careful. He’s been careful. I actually asked him to keep it between just us two because I didn’t want my coworkers knowing about our relationship.” You elaborated. “But he suggested to at least tell our loved ones if we wanted to be serious with each other.”

“You’re serious with him?” Namjoon spoke softly. A sharp, quick pain pushed through his stomach, leaving an unpleasant feeling. Yet he didn’t try showing it; he didn’t want you to worry about him.

You nodded at the thought of Jungkook being steady with you. “Yes, that’s why I was afraid of telling you about him. I wanted you to accept him too.”

He coughed again, shaking his head. “I’m accepting of him, yet if I’m being honest. But I’ll try to.”

“He knows about my past too, and he swore he’s not like that.” He coughed harshly this time. You handed him some water that he accepted. “Joon, are you okay?”

Namjoon chugged the cup down and exhaled slowly. “Yeah, I think I have an upset stomach. I got a bad cough from this morning.”

“Make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I don’t wanna beat you up if you’re not being healthy.” You scolded, and it only made him laugh.

“I’ll be fine, flower. It’s just been stressful, from the event and our time apart.”

Your mood died a little, being guilty about what you did. “I’m sorry again. I promise to never do that again.” You grabbed his hand to squeeze some comfort in him.

His body got hit with another blow, but he bit his lips to dull the pain. “You worry too much, flower. It wasn’t your fault. You were also worried about me, too, no?”

You nodded, “I was. I care for you too much not to.”

“The feeling is mutual.” He reassured. “Then we should just enjoy the night and days to come.”

You couldn’t help but hug him. You missed him so much, crying to Jungkook about him. He knew you cared for your best friend and hoped that you two would reconcile. 

“I love you, Joon.”

“I love you too, flower.”

Again, a standard practice, but Namjoon didn’t realize his love changed from yours. 

-

Namjoon couldn’t hate Jungkook.

The more he was around the guy, the more he realized how chaotically sweet Jungkook was. He was just like you, an odd presence but very lovable. The only thing he hated about him was that he kept winning at everything, yet he was still humble about it.

Jungkook made initiatives to hang out with you and your friends from time to time just so he could understand your life and engage with those you loved. He hung out with him and Jimin, too, without you, and it was a fun guy’s night. He put so much effort into what he wanted, and he did it with ease. It was easier to like him.

Your relationship was growing healthy, and Namjoon was happy for you. You needed something like this, and he could only hope that Jungkook would continue that with you.

On the other hand, Namjoon has been on a stump. First of all, his event was a huge success. His networking multiplied, getting busy with upcoming projects. He’s been traveling internationally, attending conferences and parties, meeting other curators like him, and even making new friends like Jung Hoseok, who was overseas as a curator in Madrid.

So what was his stump?

Well, for a few months now, Namjoon has had this stomach flu. He’s been getting random fevers, uncontrollable shaking, sharp pains in his chest or abdomen, and not eating regularly.

The worst part of it all was his cough. It didn’t improve since that night, it seemed to have gotten worse. He felt the need to scratch his throat, even having the urge put his fingers down his mouth and take care of the itch himself.

He went to the doctors, and they assumed the same. They provided him more potent medication every visit, but it didn’t feel like it was working. Was it because he was growing older? Did he need to start working out and caring for his body like that? It was bothering him, distracting him from his work, and he couldn’t do anything about it. 

If only he knew, his condition worsened with time.

-

“And now for the bride and groom to say their vows.” The ordained minister proceeded.

Before you proclaimed your love, you held your hands with Jungkook’s, focusing on him. You took deep breaths, collecting your memorized speech that you suddenly forgot. Your eyes told that you were stuck, but Jungkook helped you.

“Anything you say, I will love for. Hell, you can call me irritating and I’d say thank you.” Little giggles responded to the groom’s joke. You rolled your eyes, then remembered why you loved him in the first place.

“When I first met you, I was afraid of loving again. I was hurt and disappointed so many times. I don’t even know how many tears I shed throughout that journey. I felt like giving up and never loving again.” You started your vows. “But then you changed that for me. Though I was scared, you helped me back up and had so much patience with me. I don’t know how you do it. Jimin even questioned it.”

Namjoon looked back and saw his shorter friend nod to your speech before putting his eyes back on you.

“You brought nothing but joy in my life. Yes, we went through difficult times, but we made it out, and I know we’ll do that again in our marriage. You’ve accepted not only me into your life but also my family and friends you’ve grown to love.” You sniffled, not wanting to cry, but you just had to. “Thank you for loving me at my best and even my worst. Thank you for not giving up on us. You are the love of my life, and you make me happier than I could ever imagine and more loved than I ever thought was possible.”

Namjoon heard sniffing from Jungkook, who let out tears faster than you. Upholding the role as best man, he kept tissues in his back pocket just in case. He pulled them out and tapped on Jungkook’s shoulder. The groom accepted the gesture and handed one to you and then to him. 

“I vow to honor you, listen, laugh with you, and cry with you. I just hope you do the same back. You make me so proud, proud to be called your wife. I love you, Jeon Jungkook. I can’t wait to spend my life with you.”

-

Namjoon didn’t know when it started in terms of the other symptoms, but he remembered the first time he specifically saw it.

Jimin threw a Christmas party at his house and invited people you didn’t really know besides him, Jungkook, and Namjoon. Everyone else was people from the hospital he trained at, his party friends, the list went on. Nevertheless, it was a casual party with cute little games he had prepared.

You, Jungkook, and Namjoon talked amongst yourself in the corner. You and Jungkook had matching grinch Christmas sweaters. After a year of being together, you and Jungkook were more comfortable in front of people with your relationship. A few kisses and hugs here and there, but you liked to keep your relationship with him private.

Still, the public display of affection was prominent, and it disgusted Namjoon. It may seem like a joke to others, but it really did gross him out. Whenever you cuddled up onto one another or just plain out kissed, Namjoon’s upset stomach or chest murmurs intensified.

Like now, he kissed your cheek, and Namjoon felt a dig in his torso. His face turned sour, exhaled slowly as he palmed the ache.

“Namjoon, are you okay?” Jungkook looked at him with concern. “Are you having chest pains again?”

“Yeah, but it’s gonna go away again.” Namjoon brushed it off. “It comes and goes from time to time.”

“Did you go to the doctor again?” You asked.

“Yes, flower. I went the other day. Since I told him about my chest, they had me do an x-ray. They said they’ll call me, but I don’t think it’ll be any time soon ‘cause of the holidays.”

“The holidays shouldn’t be an excuse to keep my best friend from being healthy.” You pouted, earning laughs from your boyfriend and best friend.

“Honey, don’t worry too much.” Jungkook patted your head. “Namjoon is grown to make his own decisions and choose what to worry about.”

“I’m gonna have to agree with, JK, flower.” Namjoon agreed. “Plus, we’re still young. I’m sure whatever they find, it’ll be easy to fix. There are also not many health issues on both sides of my family, so I’m chilling.”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, “Your ease is so annoying sometimes.”

After that conversation, Jimin chimed in and pulled all three of you to a game of “Nogpong.” The four were split into pairs: You and Namjoon and Jimin and Jungkook. Losers had to do what the winners said.

Jungkook and Jimin had experience playing these games, but you and Namjoon’s teamwork was unmatched. The teams went back and forth, missing cups, shooting them while making the opposing chug the eggnog down.

Your team had two cups left while they had five. It was your turn to throw a ball. Jimin threw insults at you to distract your concentration, but you tried to ignore that little man. You threw the ball, earning another point.

“You suck.” Jimin spat back before downing the drink.

It was now Namjoon’s turn. He focused on the final cup, being so close to winning. But his coughing grew harshly at that moment, sounding like it hurt. There was so much phlegm that he grabbed a napkin from a tissue box to cough up. He expectorated all he could into the tissue, ultimately feeling better. But when he saw the content in the cloth, his pupils dilated in shock.

What he thought was mucus was actually blood. He noticed that he could taste the unpleasant taste of iron in his mouth. He gulped down the remnants and stuffed the trash in his pocket without thinking.

“Some cough, Joon. Are you sure you’re okay?” You furrowed your brows at him.

“Flower, I’m okay.” He said again. “Let’s just finish the game.”

You weren’t as convinced, but you had to let it slide for his sake.

Namjoon nodded towards the guys about how he felt before going back to the game. He shot it into the cup with ease, cheering at the close win. All you had to do was score in the same cup.

It was all on you now. If you make this, victory was yours and Namjoon's. Sure, there was nothing to lose, but bragging rights were substantial to you. You held your breath and threw the ball.

You won!

You and Namjoon yelled like deranged individuals, celebrating your alcoholic game victory. Jungkook and Jimin took their loss like champs as they shook hands.

Namjoon held you by the waist and jumped in joy as you threw meaningless insults at your boyfriend and friend. In this position, something in Namjoon sparked. He watched you bad-mouthed them, but you looked so elegant, so beautiful doing it. He saw the fluttering of your lashes, the curve of your nose, and the soft plush that was your lips.

You being in his arms was so soothing. The warmth you produced heated his larger frame. It felt so right. He wished to stay like this forever with you. 

But those thoughts caused a downward spiral in his stomach. His head was light. He immediately turned green, his chest feeling like it had been shot multiple times. His throat was open as everything he consumed started moving up. He pushed away aggressively as he covered his mouth, running to the nearest bathroom.

He disregarded the calls at him as he slammed the door open. He rushed to the toilet and pulled up the lid before vomiting everything in him. He purged so explosively that he thought his eyeballs would pop out of his head, and snot ran down from his nose and onto the top of his lip. He felt the sweat dripping down his face. Damn, this was the worst complication yet.

The three of you followed behind him while you took the lead. You bent towards your friend and rubbed his back as he threw up. You both stayed like that for a few minutes. Jimin had to go back to calm his guests down while Jungkook went to get water for Namjoon.

“Namjoon, do you want us to take you home?” Jungkook asked. “We can bring your car back too?”

Namjoon couldn’t say no. He knew he didn’t feel good, so he nodded.

“Let me grab your things, Joon.” You stood up and lightly patted his back. “I’ll come back quick.” You said before leaving with Jungkook.

He retched up once more, releasing all he had left closed eyes. When he opened the inside, his heart dropped. He thought his vision deceived him. No way could this happen. It was impossible. There was no reason to have it.

What he assumed he puked was the pasta and wine from the party was actually more blood. But that wasn’t the most alarming.

He always thought of them as simple and beautiful to look at, appealing to the eye, but it was hard to think of daisies in that way when his blood coated the fresh petals, and they came out of his body.

Namjoon was now lying in bed, wide awake and petrified. He was dubious, couldn’t find common ground in what he experienced. Maybe he was hallucinating; the very reason was that he wasn’t feeling so well. Maybe the blood-covered daisies were seen to cover up the horrible sight of regurgitated Alfredo pasta. But the sickly fragrant scent of the flowers begged to differ.

Okay, if he were to have it, how did he get it? He needed answers. He wasn’t in love with anyone, right? He never loved anyone like that. The only people he loved were his family. Sure, Jimin was fucking annoying, and he loved the dude, but he was in love with him.

The only person left was you and…no. He didn’t, he couldn’t, he shouldn’t. He can’t . There was no damn way.

He refused to believe.

Yet Namjoon remembered it clear as day.

An urgent early call from his doctor’s office sent him waiting in the examination room. He was restless, with dark bags under his worn-out eyes. He didn’t even bother to change. He was in his Ryan bear pajamas.

He scrolled through his phone, seeing the multiple texts from you and Jimin. You both were worried and wished him to get better while greeting him a wonderful Christmas. You sent a bomb of pictures of you and Jungkook with hearts to cheer him on, and it was enough for his heart to throb. He locked his phone and threw it in his pajama pocket. 

His doctor, Dr. Min, came back into the room with a stoic expression as he read Namjoon’s file. “Good morning, Mr. Kim. I apologize for the short notice, especially on Christmas. But I just had to meet with you.”

“No need to apologize, Dr. Min.” The man said. “I was kinda glad you called. I—” He paused, trying to regulate his breathing. “I wanted to confirm.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow, “Did something happen recently?”

Namjoon bit his lips and nodded, getting antsy at the anticipation he caused. “I vomited, and I-I saw…blood and…,” He couldn’t say it. If he said it, he feared that it would come true.

Dr. Min didn’t let him finish his sentence as he nodded. Pulled out of his file was his recent x-ray. He brought it to the mounted screen and turned the lights on, displaying the condition of Namjoon’s body.

Roots grew through his lungs and around his heart. The silhouette of stems flourished all over his respiratory while the flowers weren’t as developed but expected to bloom soon. Bits of petals scattered around rested on his sternum with the most on his heart.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. You’ve been diagnosed with stage three of Hanahaki Disease.” Dr. Min declared. “I know this is hard for you to take in, but I would like to tell you that my staff and I will do our best to help you in your next steps. But first, I’d like to ask you a few questions. Is that alright with you?”

Namjoon stayed silent, viewing his x-ray. He could only nod as the pain consumed his form. This was the truth, the reality he was living in.

“Do you know how long you’ve experienced symptoms?”

He shook his head.

“You did say you’ve been coughing for a while. Is that still happening?”

He nodded. 

“When you coughed, was there blood?”

He nodded.

“Did you find petals?”

He shook his head.

“But when you threw up, there were petals?”

He nodded.

“When you vomited, was that the first time?”

He nodded.

“Do you love them?”

That very question snapped him out of his trance. He scowled at his doctor, wondering why he asked a personal question.

“Excuse me, Dr. Min. But isn’t that personal?” Namjoon couldn’t help but spit venom. He just found out he has a severe illness, and now his doctor wanted to know about his love life?

“It may seem personal, but this disease connects to love.” Dr. Min explained. “Namjoon, it’ll only worsen if you don’t admit it. That’s why the flowers are developing rapidly.”

He looked at his doctor, holding his stare. His eyebrows scrunched on his forehead with a large frown upon his mouth. Dr. Min waited patiently for his response, knowing what was gradually happening to him.

Thinking deeply about the question, his consciousness popped with a vague image. The picture subtly grew vivid at each second. Colors were lively, edges were pronounced, and the shapes were visible. By the time it was clear and detailed, a memory flashed in his very mind.

He stood on top of a roof. Inspecting around him, he realized it was his old apartment building years back. He saw the crowded shining city spanning across his vision. Buildings stood high and lit, groups of people walking down the streets, but still, he could only hear the soft white noise of the night. Light instrumental music resonated through the rooftop. It was all nostalgic. He missed the view, but more importantly, he missed the memories made here.

“Joon, dance with me,” A gentle voice begged as a small hand tugged his relatively larger one.

His head turned, presenting him with the prettiest, perfect sight. The glow in your skin shined brighter than the moon and sun combined. Your large glittering irises electrified his entire being. Your laugh rippled goosebumps on him, filling his body with sensation. Your smile captivated his very mind and soul. You intertwined his fingers with yours, your warmth coursing through his veins.

Everything about this was perfect. He never wanted to leave. He wished to stay like this forever. He loved every feeling. He loved every minute. He loved the memory. He loved the vision. But essentially—

He loved you.

Namjoon was in love with you, has been this entire time.

But you didn’t love him back.

You were in love with someone else.

The confession only brought painful tears to him as he let his emotions run loose. He scrunched his nose, sniffing uncontrollably. His mouth quivered hopelessly as little whimpers escaped. His gaze went down to his lap, noticing his trembling hands.

He never thought of the day he finally understood what love was. He was too analytical with his beliefs in the past. But he also gave himself some credit. Love was still an essence that powered emotions. All these interpretations and meanings were interconnected. You couldn’t have this without the other. It was more than a concept, more than a feeling.

Love was larger than life itself. Love was greater than anything in the whole universe. It was impossible to put a limit to love. 

Perhaps, Jimin was right. 

Love can do a lot for someone. 

-

Namjoon refused to tell anyone about his condition. Not only did he have to say to them that he was slowly dying from unrequited love, but he would have to reveal his true feelings for you.

He couldn’t deny them any longer, he loved you with all his heart, and it was killing him. But if it had to be anyone to do it, it had to be you.

He knew he couldn’t tell you. You would blame yourself, crying to him that you wished you would have loved him back. But you did love him.

Just not in the way he loved you. It wasn’t your fault at all. You were the type to make anyone fall in love with you. Namjoon had to just be part of that statistic. 

He knew he couldn’t have you, you were with Jungkook, and you loved that man dearly. He was good to you, the best even, probably more than Namjoon would have done. 

For the following months, he continued occupying his life with work. He had to focus on things other than you since you were on his mind every waking moment. He thought it was best to keep his distance. Maybe the flowers inside him wouldn’t flourish rapidly.

But you were adamant in keeping him close. You confronted him, going to his work. Your irritation dissolved once you saw his sunken face and the dark in his eyes. He convinced you that he wasn’t eating adequately since he was constantly working. Then you begged him to have lunch with you, and he couldn’t say no to you. He was too weak.

Too weak for you.

He gave in and, at the very least, texted and called you, but less than before. Sure, he hung out with you and Jungkook but was less engaged. Lately, when you asked to hang out, he told you he was busy or needed to fly out last minute.

When in reality, he went to the hospital for his condition.

“You’ve been taking the prescription, correct? Three times daily?” Dr. Min inquired. And Namjoon nodded. The doctor examined the man, he looked weaker, but somehow his body was stronger in motor and movement than the regular people who had this illness. 

Hanahaki Disease cases were rare and the first for Dr. Min’s long-time patient to be diagnosed. It wasn’t as successful, but when it did, there were still some downfalls, but the individual would be okay in the end. The doctor felt the need to provide the best for him, not fathoming what he was going through. 

“Good, it helps the flower wilt. It doesn’t stop the process completely, but it gives more time.” Dr. Min clarified. “Your bodily functions are still running normally, so that’s good. But I can’t say you’re getting any better….”

His health was deteriorating, the symptoms increased, and not a day went by without him coughing or throwing up petals. 

“I know, doc.” Namjoon sighed. A nurse came in to check his blood pressure. 

“Since you’re at a high stage in this, it’s hard for a cure unless….”

“No.” The man interrupted, knowing what he was going to say. “She’s been dating a friend for a while now. Great guy and loves her dearly..”

Dr. Min noted and nodded carefully at his response. “There’s also surgery. Many people who were diagnosed refuse to take it; that’s also why the fatality of Hanahaki is high. However, a small percentage who do, don’t feel love for the other person. But there are consequences.”

“Like what?”

“It is likely you will never feel love again. The memories of your love for that person won’t exist anymore.”

“Isn’t that worse?” Namjoon knitted his brows. He feared a life without loving, without loving you. He’d probably feel empty inside, lingering around like a ghost. “How can someone live on without love?”

“I…I don’t know.” And for once, Dr. Min didn’t have the right answer. Namjoon accepted what he said; it wasn’t his doctor’s fault. He was only suggesting possibilities. “It’s just another option because, at this rate, the illness is going into the four-stage.”

“And what happens at that stage?”

“If something were to happen that speeds it up, the flowers would bloom all over your lungs, and you will die before the end of the year.”

-

To live without love or to die with love.

A question that has been running through the mind of Kim Namjoon. He didn’t have much time left, but he couldn’t get himself to make a decision.

Obviously, he didn’t want to die. There was still much more for him to do. He wouldn’t be able to do what he wanted. But…a life without love? How would that be plausible? No human would walk on Earth with no love in their body because everyone has to love something or someone deep down.

But the thing that heated his mind was never loving you. He has fallen in love with you since you both were 11. Every drop of love in his body was for you. You were the one who would give meaning to his memories. How would he survive moving on after you?

Namjoon was deep in thought when fingers snapped in front of his face. He blinked back into his surroundings. He was in his office, trying to email Hoseok about some future collaborations.

The culprit, Jimin, rested on one side of his body with his hands on his hips. He had a concerned yet annoyed face on him as he inspected Namjoon. “You’re wasting our precious lunchtime together zoning out.”

Namjoon rolled his eyes, quickly finishing up the email and sending it to his fellow art curator. As they walked up the street to the cafe, Jimin couldn’t help but take multiple takes at his friend.

“Stop staring. I’m not a fucking picture.” Namjoon caught his friend’s gaze.

“Dude, you don’t look so good.”

“Wow, thanks. That definitely helps with my self-esteem.”

“Stop joking. I’m serious.” Jimin refuted. “You look sicker. You barely eat, and you keep having colds.”

“I told you, Jimin. I’ve been going to the doctor, and it’s just stress—”

“ I’m literally a doctor. I can tell that this is more than stress. If you have something and you’re not tell—” An incoming call from Namjoon stopped Jimin’s rant. The shorter’s mouth thinned as he faced forward, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green.

Namjoon pulled his phone out, assuming it was Hoseok. But it was actually Jungkook. He rarely called and usually preferred texting to his introverted self. Nevertheless, he answered and greeted the man.

“Hey, thanks for answering. I really needed your opinion or like help with something.” Jungkook spoke out.

“No problem, man.” Namjoon grinned. “You know I’m always here to help. What’s up?”

“Well, I don’t really know how to say this….”

“You literally sound like ___ right now. It’s baffling.”

“Ugh, I—okay, fine. Obviously, you know ___ and I are together and in love, right?” A pain in his chest hit hard as Namjoon cleared his itchy throat. The crosswalk turned green, and the two began walking across. He hummed in response for Jungkook to continue. “Well, I’m gonna propose to her, and I want you to help me with her ring. You know her taste better than I do and—”

Namjoon stopped. He couldn’t hear anything after that. Jungkook started to sound like the adults from the Peanuts series. The words “I’m going to propose to her” echoed in his brain, repeated like a broken record. Was he hearing it correctly?

“I’m sorry, what? You’re what?” Namjoon forced himself to ask, praying that what he said wasn’t true.

“I’m proposing to ____? I want you to help me with t—”

His vision went fuzzy, his head feeling heavier than normal. His mouth became dehydrated while breathing went rapid. Namjoon couldn’t control his body shaking; everything went numb. His eardrums inflated, unable to hear the horns honking but only a long ringing sound amplified within seconds.

Jimin reached the end of the crosswalk but looked back to see why wasn’t his large friend was by his side. Jimin let out a sob. He saw his friend fall forward, dropping his phone. He ran up as he watched Namjoon vomit blood in the middle of the street.

He got down on his knees in distress, rubbing his friend’s back as he pulled out his phone to call an ambulance. Some people crowded the scene, even going as far as getting out of their cars to help them.

While Jimin instructed the hospital on their location, Namjoon gagged harshly, feeling stuck with something burning through his throat, almost like it was too large to even consume, let alone retched up.

“Yes, please. We’re here at W 6th and Namu Avenue.” Namjoon pushed as hard as possible, and the content finally came out. “Perfect, thank you,” Jimin said before ending the call. “They’ll come in five mi—Joon.…”

With barely enough strength, Namjoon open eyes and turned to see his friend’s aghast expression. Jimin felt himself grieving over him, the tears burst out of control and ran down his reddened cheeks. So Namjoon looked away, unable to see his friend’s crying. Then he suddenly realized why—

There lay blood-stained daisies in the pool of crimson, enough to make a bouquet. Loose petals plastered around, mocking creating a large heart surrounding the arrangement.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jimin whimpered, resting his forehead on the taller’s back. He felt the tears staining his shirt, but that was the least of his problems.

-

“I’ll give you two some time alone,” Dr. Min told them. He looked at his sickly patient, then towards Jimin. “Maybe talk him into it.”

“Thanks, Hyung.” Jimin nodded. Dr. Min excused himself and closed the door while Jimin kept his eyes on his friend. 

After the incident, Namjoon lost consciousness. Jimin was there every step of the way and almost recklessly used his authority to get his friend help. Fortunately, Dr. Min was his supervisor and a good friend that came quickly when he found out what happened to his patient.

Namjoon woke up to them discussing his choices regarding this illness, but he stayed quiet and drank water. He knew Jimin was upset at him for not telling about his condition but was more afraid of him telling you , someone innocent in all of this.

“I know you’re still not feeling well, but I need to know, as your colleague, your friend, your brother, fuck as me! Someone who cares so much about you!” Jimin huffed, feeling frustrated at the situation. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Namjoon chuckled, but nothing was light about it. “You really think I’d tell her? She’d blame herself, and it’s not her fault.”

“At least, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sure you’d say the same thing as Dr. Min….” Namjoon glowered, inspecting the needles and tubes attached to his wrist. “This is something that’s my problem. Because in all honesty, Jimin, what would you have done? You can’t tell me I shouldn’t love her. You can’t tell her to love me. There really wasn’t anything you could do.”

“But…but…I would have been there for you.” Jimin sniffed, his eyes glistening at the sight of his friend. “I would stay by your side even if you were getting worse. No one should go through this alone.” He walked up and gently clasped his hand, noticing how weak he’s gotten.

“How long since you’ve known?” Jimin licked his lips, trying to see any more pain in him.

“I don’t know, but the first time I saw flowers was during your Christmas party.”

“So you’ve been keeping this a secret for almost a whole year?” The shorter released his hold to pace around the room, having many emotions riling his body. “Joon, you’re dying, you know that? There’s no cure unless you do the surgery? Why haven’t you said yes?”

“Because there are consequences to it that I don’t know if I’d accept.” Namjoon had to stay calm. It was better this way, thinking it’d make his friends hurt a little less. “Why live a life without love?” Jimin kept silent, gathering his reasons for the hypothetical question. “The doctor said if I do the surgery, I can’t love again. Go on my life not loving? I’d live an empty life. I wouldn’t get married, have children, see them grow….”

“Technically, you still can.”

“Jimin, life would still be empty, and it would hurt everyone around me, including my parents, you, Jungkook, ___.” He cried at your name. “I can’t live without loving her. It’s hard. I loved her since I was 11, Jimin, and as it pains me to see her with someone else, I have to let her go.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that you’re dying!”

“And if I don’t love, I would be dead inside.” Namjoon smiled bitterly. “I lose either way.”

Jimin sighed, brushing his fingers through his hair. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying his best to talk to him. “While you were unconscious, I talked with Dr. Min. He explained to me how there was a recent study on post-surgery for Hanahaki. There were about ten subjects. The researcher found that despite the common knowledge of not loving, there’s a 50% chance that you may feel it again.”

Namjoon’s eyes glimmered towards his friend, “What? How’d you get this?”

“Yoongi Hyung didn’t know much about the illness, so he had to go through studies and experiments to learn more about it. He stumbled upon this one issued almost two years ago by one of the nation’s prestigious schools.” Jimin articulated what he absorbed from his superior. “There’s still hope for you.”

“Jimin, I don’t know…I don’t feel like gambling my life like that.” Namjoon was uncertain. He was stuck in the middle because either he loved again or didn’t. With the adversity he has been under, the universe wasn’t on his side on this.

“You’re not gambling your life; you’re finding reasons to live, to love.” Jimin reasoned. “You can do all the things you wish to do. You shouldn’t give up, Joon.”

“I-I need time to think this through….” He concluded. There was the temptation to all of it, but he needed to think carefully about his decision. Right now, he’s emotional, Jimin’s emotional; this whole thing is an emotional mess.

“Though Dr. Min can’t say this, I can. You don’t have much time left. That scene triggered you going into the final stage. I don’t want you to die.” Jimin spoke his thoughts. “But whatever decision you make, I’ll be right by your side.”

“Thank you, Chim.” Namjoon nodded. “D-did you tell her? About my condition?”

The shorter breathed out before shaking his head, “No, I thought you would be the one to tell her. But she does know you’re in the hospital. She and Jungkook are in the waiting room. I said you fainted and threw up on the street.”

“You can’t tell her about it, please.” Namjoon pleaded. “I don’t want her to take the blame. None of this is her fault.”

Not arguing with him, Jimin questioned, “So what do we say? You’re dying, and you can’t say you have a fever.”

“Just say I have a tumor.”

“I don’t know if that’s worse or not….”

“I technically do, except instead of a tumor, it’s fucking daisies growing in my lungs!” Namjoon retorted. “Look, whatever it is, she can’t know that I have Hanahaki because she’ll find out I’m in love. She can’t know this, please.”

Jimin bit inside his mouth, “Fine, I won’t tell her, but make your decisions on the surgery soon.”

-

“Oh, Joon!” You cried, rushing towards him. You threw your hands over his body and sobbed. Jungkook trailed behind with a stuffed koala with a ‘Get Well’ balloon, then Jimin was the last to come back in before closing the door. 

Namjoon didn’t like how sad you looked as he hugged you back. He caressed your hair before parting away to get a glimpse of you. You were whimpering, snot running down your nose, crocodile tears shedding, and the spark of pain yet relief in your eyes.

“Jimin told us what happened. We left work and sped here, we waited for hours, and… why didn’t you tell me you had a tumor?” You had so many questions, but this was taking priority.

Namjoon glanced at Jimin, who had his arms crossed over his chest. He nodded slightly, keeping the promise.

“Uhh, I didn’t want you to worry.” He answered softly.

“Now you’re in the hospital, on the brink of death!” You were hurt; he kept it from you, but more so, scared for his life. You didn’t want to lose your best friend.

“I’m sorry, it’s complicated…Doctor said I could go through surgery, but….”

“But? But what? Why don’t you?” You reached for his hands. It was a thing you used to do as children, and you did find a way to comfort each other.

But though it was comforting, it was also intensely painful for Namjoon.

His heart throbbed, but he contained the ache. He pushed your hands off of him and rested them on his lap.

“It’s just…it’s complicated.” He responded the best that he could without lying. He’s already lying so much more than he did in your entire friendship.

You stared at him, trying to comprehend what he said. You needed to understand, and you had a hunch that he wasn’t adequately telling you.

“Do you think you two can leave, so we can talk privately?” You rotated back at Jimin and Jungkook. The sense of desperation was oozing through your contact.

Jungkook nodded without missing a beat, understanding the privacy needed. He placed the koala on the table and mumbled reassurances to the taller. Jimin said nothing but followed your boyfriend out and closed the door behind him.

Now you two were alone.

It’s been a while since it was just you and him. You missed it. Though you tried your best, your days grew hectic, and schedules were tight, being unable to hang out with your best friend.

You observed his state, he lost the honey color in his skin, and the darkened puffs around his eyes were accentuated by his bloodshot eyes. His hair was matted and greased, not having its usual volume. His body looked thinner, seeing his bones popping out every now and then.

“I never would have thought you’d end up like this.” You spoke truthfully. “It pains me to see you like this, Joon.”

“I know, flower.” He agreed, not wanting to look you in the eye. It really could be damaging to him.

“Are you doubting the surgery? Is it the cost? The quality, because I can help you—”

“No, it’s not like that, flower. I promise.” Even at his weakest point, he strived to make you not worried for him. “It’s…there are consequences to the surgery that I don’t know if I could live with.”

“What do you mean?”

He tried getting himself together to come up with a reasonable explanation without saying too much, “The doctor said I’d lose feeling to some parts of my body.”

“And so…”

“So, I wouldn’t live my life the way I want to.” He sighed, thinking about his tender memories with you. His eyes started to swell at the possibility of it disappearing. “I would feel dead inside. I don’t know if I can survive like that.”

“Did he say anything else? Is there something that can counter that? I—was this only option?”

“He talked about some study on it and said there’s a 50% chance I could feel again. It’s just risky, you know? I’m shooting through hoops for it, and I’m….” His voice trembled in tone. “I’m tired. I’m tired of all of it. I wanna give up.”

“No, I refuse for you to give up.” You disapproved.

“No, it’s okay—”

“It’s not okay, Namjoon.” You seethed with rage, standing up from the bed.

“Look, flow—”

“No, I won’t let you. You used to tell me to never give up, stay hopeful, and that I’ll get better with time.” Your eyes welled with tears at the very thought of Namjoon giving up on himself. “Now that you’re giving up, you’re telling me to be okay with that?”

“Why not?” He bawled back.

There it was, what he’s been hiding from you—the loose, broken pieces shattered instead of being taped together like everything was fine.

When he first found out, he lost all hope in what he had to offer the world. He didn’t want to act upon being a human and grieve on his experience. It wasn’t like him. He wanted you to see him be okay and happy and work his way through life and obstacles with ease like he always wanted for you.

This was the first time you saw lost. 

“I’m already dying. What’s the point, ___?” He broke down. “I can’t be strong anymore. It made matters worse. Look, I failed myself. I failed you as your best friend. I’m really a failure. I’ve been blinded by hope and being content, not noticing that I’m getting worse.”

You took in his words, trying to understand him. You saw him fall into a pit of insecurity and despair. It was scary for you, this being one of the few times you saw him like this. It was usually the other way around, and for that, you needed to be there for him. Comfort him like he did with you, care for him like he did with you, continuing on his side with love and support.

“Remember when Seokjin cheated on me, I asked you why things like that happened?” You pointed out, taking a step to sit back down.

“Yeah, you were a mess. You couldn’t stop crying.”

“Yeah, but I slept good that night.” You chuckled, earning a slight smile from him. “You said hurt is temporary, and you’ll heal from it.”

“Wow, I said that. I must have been a liar.” He joked, causing you to snort at his self-deprecation. He shifted his head out to the window, the sun setting for the day, bringing a soft, warm hue into his bleak room. 

“No, you were telling the truth, and things got better.” You said. “But then I asked you if something was wrong with me because bad things kept happening.”

“What about it? There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“You called me one of the most special people out there.” You grinned, reaching over to his hands and intertwining them into yours. “If I’m one of the most special, Namjoon, you’re irreplaceable.”

He finally faced you. Your face was touched by the golden hour, the dried tears reflected. All the hope he once had was migrated onto you. The building of hope he helped you through the years was finally reflected. It was your turn to give back.

You sniff-kissed his palms, and it didn’t hurt him for once. It melted his troubles away for a split second and made his heart skip a beat in the way it was supposed to be.

“No one in this world can match you. You are like no other. You brought better days than I could never imagine, always thinking of others before yourself.” Your promising irises said it all, the truth of himself within. “The universe gives the hardest challenges to the most powerful, resilient ones because it knows how much you can endure. It’s testing you.”

Your grip was firm, more robust than his, as he applied pressure to your hands. “Once it’s over, you will be rewarded vastly. It’ll give you the best things, you name it. You won’t regret anything your heart faces and desires. Good will happen to someone like you. Please don’t give up.” You wheezed out, sobbing into your linked hands. “You’ll be alright, I promise. We’ll be here for you. I’ll be here for you.”

Namjoon joined closer to you, his forehead resting on the top of your head. You felt his tears dripping on your scalp, but that didn’t matter. You then embraced one another, refusing to let go. The dimming sun cascaded your shadows onto the white walls of the hospital room.

Serene was anything but you two. Instead, a fire ignited within, blazing a rush, lighting up the untapped potential inside both of you. The flames grew when together, too powerful for the world to see. So it was decided they had to stay apart, as they’re not always meant to last. Still, without their mirrored flame, if one died, so did the other. 

Separation should never be permanent with you and Namjoon. 

The day was young. The window was opened to lure fresh wind into his nostrils. He’s been in this room for days, but he won’t be in here any longer. He eyed the skinny cylindrical vase, and a single daisy emerged into the half-filled water. The decor was a small gesture from Jungkook, who got the idea from Jimin. 

Though alone, that one daisy carried purpose to its life, creating beauty and awing anyone that surrounded it. It was the last one he probably would see for a while.

A knock interrupted his gaze from the vase. Following the sound, he found his doctor in the doorway with a bright smile.

“Ready?” Dr. Min asked.

Namjoon closed his eyes and breathed a final deep, flower-filled breath.

“Ready.”

-

The ceremony was absolutely breathtaking, with nothing but large smiles on everyone. Laughter filled the air, food filled their stomachs, and you and Jungkook’s love filled the entire reception. Everyone felt your eternal love, resonating with that very feeling in their own lives.

All but Namjoon.

After the successful surgery, he recovered quickly, bringing joy to your lives. But he lost his loving memories with you. He still remembered who you were, how you grew up, and the memories you made with him. He even knew why he had the surgery in the first place. But he doesn’t remember or feel ever being in love with you.

He was your best friend who you platonically loved.

Namjoon didn’t know what love was all together. It was something he couldn’t fully grasp. If someone were to ask, he gave an indefinite answer or a simple ‘I don’t know.’

He did feel like a big hole was in his chest, finding it difficult to get anything to fill it up. Days were long and tiresome. Things happen, things don’t. It was all mundane for him. He felt numb to the world at times. He doesn’t know if he regretted his decision.

But if there’s one thing he knew was that he cared. He cared a lot about his friends, work, and family, never wanting them to feel down or hurt. If they needed him, he’ll come in faster than you could say his name. He enjoyed being there for them. It made him happy.

But not enough to love, whatever that was.

You were his best friend he cared for.

He cared so much that he helped Jungkook plan his proposal with you and the wedding. Jungkook even begged him to be his best man, to which the taller agreed with flying colors.

In your opinion, the ask to be his best man was unexpectedly more notable than your own proposal.

Namjoon watched you and Jungkook dancing on the floor, nothing but smiles and stolen touches between the two. Even when crying, you were still happy with your husband. He was glad you finally found someone worthy enough for you, also glad you weren’t wasting your time with stupid boys who only cared about their dicks in something.

He wondered what it was having that, but he felt nothing. The crater in him only expanded. Was it even possible for him? It didn’t seem as interesting, so he pushed it aside.

“Hey, you okay?”

His head turned to see Jimin sitting beside him at their designated table. The doctor offered him a glass of wine, which he gladly accepted.

“Yeah, just watching.” He shrugged.

“You holding up alright?”

Namjoon’s lips twitched in dissatisfaction, “I think I’ve been before. I don’t know.”

Jimin peeked at the newlyweds and asked, “Do you’d ever tell her?”

“It happened; it’s already in the past. Just gotta move on.” He sighed. “Again, I know she wouldn’t forgive herself if I told her all about it.”

“I understand.” The shorter nodded, swirling his glass in his hand.

“But I will tell her what’s happening now. I think she needs to know that at least.” He took one more sip before putting it down on the table. He got up and headed in your direction.

Jimin smiled, seeing the last moments of you and your best friend together.

Namjoon tapped on your husband’s shoulder, catching their attention. He cleared his throat and pushed forth his hand in front of you. “May I have a dance with my best friend?”

Jungkook beamed at him and nodded willingly. He palmed the small of your back and assisted you to your friend. “Just don’t fall in love with you.”

You all laughed as Namjoon snorted, “Gross, never.”

Jungkook walked away, leaving you to sway to the soft beats of the music. You wrapped your arms around his nape while he palmed your sides firmly. He wasn’t the best dancer, but this was manageable. You both swayed seamlessly together, almost like your bodies were conditioned to.

You looked up at him. He was much healthier, cheeks protruded like when you were children, and his body grew thicker as he ate well and exercised more. But what pressed you was his eyes. Though being better, they struggled to keep luminosity. Some days were high; others were low. You assumed he had gotten moodier after the surgery, but still the authentic Kim Namjoon.

“Ummm, though I want you to enjoy your wedding, there’s something I needed to tell you. It’s important.” He announced as he took the lead in the dance. He unexpectedly twirled you around, making you squeal and grab the collar of his suit.

“You’re not dying again, right?” Though the tone seemed sarcastic, you hardened your face.

“No, I’m not.” He scoffed, playfully rolling his eyes.

 “Good, you’re not allowed to leave me.” You pouted cutely. 

“Well, I can’t say that I’m not gonna leave.”

“Huh, what do you mean?”

“I got a job offer to work in Madrid. Remember Hoseok? He referenced me to one of their museums, and they liked my work.”

“Oh, Joon! I’m so happy for you.” You congratulated him, then squeezed him tightly in your hug. “You’ll do great. When do you leave?”

“In a few months, I told Hoseok I needed some time to transition and finish up some work. I think it’ll be good, you know? A new change after my…tumor. Maybe I’ll feel better…I’ve been feeling stuck. I know I didn’t tell you right away, but you had the wedding and planning….”

“I don’t care. It’s fine. It’s understandable.” You smiled endearingly at your friend. “You know I’ll always love you, right?”

Namjoon crooned, “I love you too.”

Of course, he didn’t think he meant it, not grasping the words. It held no effect on him. But he knew that you enjoyed saying it to him, so to avoid any suspicions, he says it. 

“You’re gonna be so far.” You frowned.

“Hey, I’m gonna call. We’ll do video calls now, and you’ll be able to explore Madrid vicariously towards me.” He promised, holding your form.

“You better…”

“Okay, enough about me. How do you feel?” He changed the subject to the meaning of tonight. “You’re a married woman.”

“It’s weird. My last name is now Jeon.” You stated. “I’m not used to it.”

“Could have been worse. Could have been Kim.” He quipped, making you throw your head back.

You scrunched your nose. Your grin morphed lower as a thought came up. “You remember Seokjin, right?”

“My God, why are you bringing up your ex on your wedding day?” He retorted. You gave a stern look, but it didn’t cause him fear. “But yes, what about him?”

“It wasn’t much about him. It was something he said after we broke up.” You squinted up as if it helped you remember.

“And?”

“Well, I ran into him in the cafeteria. It was like during finals. You weren’t there. You had your art analysis exam.” You recollected from the back of your mind. “He apologized, but it didn’t matter. But he told me he cheated because he knew he couldn’t win.”

“I know I’m not that experienced, but I don’t think a relationship is about winning,” Namjoon commented, still having the urge to punch that guy.

“No, no. He wasn’t like that. But I didn’t know what he was talking about at that time.” You breathed deeply and sighed. “He told me it was because of you.”

“Me? What about me?”

“He saw our friendship and deemed it as a threat.” You uncovered. “You and I were so closer, he felt like he was in the way and that he lost before it even started. ”

“But it wasn’t like that, right?” He probed, not thinking anything more. However, with your long pause and the discomfort on your face, it made him raise a brow at you. “___, speak please.”

“He got me thinking—what if it was you?” You shared. “That the love was much more than what we showed.”

The hypothetical question consumed his mind. It’s been a while since he was deep in thoughts like this. They were always meaningless and showed no impact. Similar to this one, inside him went blank.

“Can’t fathom it….” He could only say.

“I thought he was nuts, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about wanting it to happen.”

That’s when Namjoon blinked dumbfounded at you. What did you mean by that?

“What did you say? W-why say it now?”

“Because it was in the past, and it stopped after meeting Jungkook.” You answered, reminiscing about those thoughts and feelings. “Now we’re good, happier now, and just look back at it and laugh.”

“You said it was in the past now. What did you think?” Namjoon wanted to understand, curious about what you were hiding from him.

“That…that I liked you. Maybe even falling in love with you??”

Namjoon only wished to have felt what you said, but it was all numb. “O-oh.”

“I’m sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“No, no. You’re not, flower. I’m…I’m just a bit surprised.” He denied it, inhaling slowly and releasing his breath.

“I was too. Now thinking back, it would have been very cliche.” You giggled. “We’re breaking stereotypes.”

“We’re unmatched.” He smiled, his dimples being emphasized. “What made you stop having those thoughts?”

You tilted your head and gazed to the side of you to find your reflections. “Mmm, I think our souls were destined to meet like we had a gravitational pull that couldn’t tear us apart. I thought about twin flames.”

“Interesting concept. Tell me more.”

“Kinda like two peas in a pod. We’re one soul split in between two bodies. We see things in us that others can’t.”

“Flower, you can’t say we’re twin flames when you just married your soulmate.”

“It’s different! Twin flames just understand each other to no avail, while soulmates are naturally compatible.”

“Then how did this make you stop? Because in my opinion, it only would lead to more.” He went being a devil’s advocate for no reason. Maybe a stab at you for his past self?

“Two fires together will only create a bigger fire.” You simply explained. “We were meant to be, but we aren’t meant to be.”

The two of you continued to dance, being the few left on the floor. Your loved ones looked at you, intrigued by the strength of your bond.

And it indeed was.

You were made to test and develop your very understanding of yourselves, energy, and one another. You provided active spiritual growth as each other’s catalysts, awakening your mirrored souls. You pushed each other to release your wounds, remove any blockage that came your way, and help to lead you to true love, whether it was self-love or finding the love of your life.

Right before his surgery, Namjoon wondered what would have happened if you had reciprocated his love for you. Would it have been a happily ever after? Or ruin your friendship through the combustion too much for you both to handle?

What if you saw in him what he saw in you? What if you spoke to him like he spoke to you? What if you thought of him like he thought of you? What if life hurt you like it did with him? Would you ever love him the way he loved you?

He will never know.

But above all, he was glad to be with you, even if it meant being only your best friend. You continued your life and yourself, attached to his existence.

And if he lived a hundred years, for a hundred years, he’ll think of you.

All rights reserved for ©️ icedmatchatae 2022 (｡●́‿●̀｡)

#namjoon fanfic #namjoon angst #namjoon x reader #namjoon x you #kim namjoon #bts x reader #bts fanfic #matcha masterlist

[edith-is-a-cat]

OMG!! i love crystals so muchhhhh that's got such a good vibe you captured me perfectly :D

i also love minecraft foxes especially the Rotund Ones in that one mod. i'm so excited to see more arctic foxes in game because those are my favorite :) i would keep your netherite sword safe!!!

also dw i'm not worried :3 i don't mind anxiety, i have it myself. i'm not the most social person in the world but online i tend to be more outgoing. i'm kinda getting back into the tumblr scene after a year or two of neglecting it so i'm a little anxious here and there too lolol. patting your head! don't drink too much energy stuff~

in return, i am telling you to look up blue tiger's eye crystals, since you seem to like blue and you are also a cat. :) they have really cool banding and it's so reflective and pretty. one of my favorite crystals.

THE NOISE I MADE I LOVE READING LONG ASK THEY ARE SO SWEET 💕 (My older sibling made a noise back at me from downstairs 😭)

RAH SINCE I WAS REMINDED I MUST SHARE THW RANDOM CRYSTALS I KEEP IN MY ROOM AND BATHROOM (with many sea shells too)

yes all the photos have flash on because im a "one of those creatures who've evolved to spend their entire existence in a pitch black cave that's closed off from the world" (direct quote from my friend) an i never have any lights on i just run into things

WUGH WHAT MOD EXACTLY??? IM GOING TO WRITE IT DOWN AND HOPEFULLY USE IT ONE DAY!! (I haven't gotten minecraft on my pc yet, ive wanted to mod minecraft for a while but couldn't bc forever on an ipad, but i have modded stardew valley and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was! Now i can live happily with my 6 wives!! Plus ive been wanting to mod Deltarune for the Ribbit mod! but its more scary and complicated since there isn't as big of a modding community around it, ill figure it out though!!!)

also if u were like a little fox in minecraft i would give you a special nametag using my magic §!! (you can get that symbol by holding down &!! idk if your keyboard is the same but that how i get it!! It changes the text color depending on what letter you put by it!!!) Also i would construct you the best enclosure ever (or just plant a forest!!)

WUGH SO REAL if real life was like being online everything would be so cool (and maybe suck a bit more?? people get more voiced online for better and for worse ;~;)

+ I got back into tumblr like!!! October 2022, well i was never really into it but I did have my first blog that i never really did anything with (its now my reblog account)

also on the energy drink note my chem teacher said i had a problem 😭 (I dont!!! I exist like a month without any!! (I love her i showed her my can locker where i had filled my school locker with energy drink cans and shes just like "cool bud" SHE ALSO WAS ONE OF THE TWO TEACHERS TO ASK FOR OUT PREFERRED NAMES I LOVE HER))

On the blue tiger's eye note!!!! Yes. please. give. I need them i have so many things to decorate!!!! I need to put up shelves around my bed so i can look at my random stuff i adore!!!!! (the only thing i have up on my wall is something i drew for my art class and my Undertale heart locket aka one of my most prized possessions... sadly the the music box in it doesn't work anymore i played it so often, cries, it broke when i was trying to wind it for the little kids at my old school)

OKAY DID NOT KNOW I COULD TALK SO MUCH!!! DJFJDB

#silly little bear answers :] #this is very much how i speak irl surprisingly

[pacifymebby]

hi sorry to ask this but what are the warning signs for an ed and how do I stop myself? I feel like I’m becoming obsessed with calories and I’m genuinely scared

no pressure to answer though!!! I know it’s a difficult topic

Aw no this is okay to ask!!! I'm really more than happy to try and give people any advice I can or like support at all.

My first bit of advice is really that as soon as you start worrying that there could be a problem, reach out and talk to someone. Try to get help as fast as possible. Eating Disorders are quite complicated and addictive so it's best to nip them in the bud so they can't make their little roots and come back again if that makes sense. The stat for recovery within the first two years of diagnosis is so much better for the stat for recovery outwith that time frame.

Secondly, when I start noticing that I'm focussing on calories too much, when I catch myself worrying about the food i want to eat I kinda take a step back and ask myself "am I hungry, am I craving this food, is it going to make me happy/will eating it be a good experience" usually the answer to one of these questions is yes and if it is then you can be like, "well then I need the food calories don't matter"

Depending how far in you are that can be hard though. A lot of the time I have the argument outloud with B and he reasons with me.

I think like, trying not to check the calories helped me,but then other people I know have said checking the calories and then saying "but that's okay" helps them because by purposefully not checking calories you're letting yourself fear them still. It kinda depends what works best for you but try both ways until something works.

Also like, 9 times out of 10 and eating disorder isn't just about food and weight loss. Sounds stupid but write in your diary about everything that's worrying you and making you feel bad. Like my ed genuinely stems from wanting someone else to take care of me, like feeling like the only way I can be taken care of is if I'm really seriously ill. It's like a cry for help behaviour that stems from trauma and probably if we'd discovered this when I was first ill I could maybe have been assisted to recover quite nicely.

So like working out what's making you obsess over calories, like are you controlling that because there's something else in your life worrying you that you feel like you can't control. Things that have triggered my ed in the past have been things like GCSEs, starting a new college and being anxious about all the new stuff, applying to uni, trying to graduate, actually finishing uni and realising I don't know what to do with my life and having no set routine or goals so then the ed came back as something to focus on, living in a bad environment (mouldy cold house, being poor so couldn't change circumstances), traumatic life events like sexual assault etc...

Really small seemingly trivial things can trigger it and like once you realise that, like fixing the external problem can often help.

I think like initial warning signs are things like

Worrying about calories, counting them obsessively etc

Constantly checking how you look, worrying about it, worrying about how clothes fit and like feeling uncomfortable in clothes you used to love

If your minds constantly distracted and preoccupied with thoughts about appearance, weight, exercise, losing weight, cutting out foods etc...

Something else for me is that I always get quite into like other stuff too, I get an urge to buy skincare products and new health foods or like new exercise clothes.

Staying away from certain areas of Tumblr and other socials is like imperative btw.

But yeah my main thing is if you're worrying about maybe you're developing disordered behaviour then get help asap!!! It's not shameful to ask for help and eating disorders are so so miserable so like escaping them at the earliest possible stage is really important!!!

[rationalisms]

Omg you discord post is exactly what I’ve been thinking as well. I’ve joined it for fandoms and school groups and irl community stuff and each and every time I get so anxious that I end up going ghost. Speaking specifically on fandom though, I recently deleted my account and the app (love being #free) because the one to one feel of involvement is A Lot. I love screaming into the void and shooting off a stupid post way too much so having to think through everything I say is anxiety like I don’t actually want to feel like I’m in a chat room? Idk but it’s the same with twitter, I use it to crack some jokes but the extra sense of familiarity that seems to come with frequent interactions overwhelms me and everyone else just seems to be okay with it. I realize that’s a box of a social anxiety thing in general though. Anyway not that you asked bit this is why I don’t think I’ll ever leave tumblr it caters so perfectly to the hermit in me lol

oh bud i completely feel you, it's an absolute nightmare for people with any amount of social anxiety. pretty much the only reason i use discord is for ttrpg organizational purposes, and for the one movie watching/music league group chat with my group of friends; any servers i've joined that are bigger than that i go through the exact same process every time: agonize over what to say for several days because everyone else already seems incredibly familiar with each other in a way that's so deeply terrifying and intimidating and then eventually just leaving again. which sux! i wanna Take Part In Stuff and meet people who share my interests but i'm a big ball of anxiety and that setting is my nightmare... so i definitely get you. and good on you for deciding that you're no longer getting anything out of it and pulling the plug! it can be hard especially with how much it's assumed that you have certain social media and FOMO and alla dat, so i'm glad you were able to draw a line and i hope it helps make you feel more comfortable.

i don't mind twitter as much because it feels more passive in a lot of ways. like, engagement can just be a driveby fav or even if you do reply or someone replies to you there's an inherent built-in acceptance of delay in response or even just like. Acknowledgement By Fav Can Be Enough. which imo is definitely not the atmosphere for discord at least ime. but it's still not great for fandom stuff for a ton of other reasons including the complete lack of archiving. and honestly, i abandoned my public twitter for my locked down private one for a multitude of reasons and the anxiety around having to keep up some sort of Public Persona is definitely part of it, so i absolutely understand you on that level as well.

tumblr has its own issues obviously, but like you i never felt the same sense of pressure or dread here. a big part of that is obviously the whole reblog system in itself, in that it's totally fine and even encouraged to just, idk , silently curate pretty pictures for a bit and at most commenting in the tags when you have something to say or w/e, but also being able to do the whole shooting random thoughts into the void whenever you want to instead. it's also much, much easier to curate my experience here than anywhere else lol. much more robust blacklisting functions available (albeit reliant on third party extensions) and if you didn't choose to put something on your dash then tumblr won't for the most part force it on you. so that for sure helps.

idk, i don't have the solution! because like, yes in many ways discord and twitter are suboptimal for fandom stuff but in many ways it's also down to the fact that i do obviously have pretty severe anxiety around these things and struggle with it immensely in a way that a lot of people obviously don't. which sucks but isn't their problem.

i still think we should all move to dreamwidth though. if enough of us hermits congregate there other people eventually have to follow, right? that's how we all ended up on tumblr in the first place :x

#thank u for reaching out to say u get it 💖 hope yr well #anon #reply

[grahamstoney]

The #1 Reason To Stop Seeking Other People’s Approval

New Post has been published on https://grahamstoney.com/relationships/the-number-1-reason-to-stop-seeking-other-peoples-approval

The #1 Reason To Stop Seeking Other People’s Approval

When we’re a child, we’re biologically wired to seek the approval of adults around us. Otherwise we would die. Humans are born with very poor individual survival instincts, so we are reliant on our parents and other caregivers to teach us how to avoid threats to our well-being.

We are born to instinctively trust our parents and to seek their love and approval, however misguided they may be. We learn pretty early on in life to do what we can to keep them happy. And while we also develop our own ideas about what we want quite young, often we get punished harshly when our desires conflict with those of our parents. Some parents withhold their love and approval when we disobey, which uses the power of our own instincts against us.

This is why you see so many parents giving their children behaviour-reinforcing proclamations like “good boy/girl!” or admonishments like “bad boy/girl!”

Unfortunately this teaches us as children that our self-worth is conditional. When we do what our parents want, we are “good” and when we don’t we are “bad”. These messages easily translate into “lovable” and “unlovable” respectively, and since the desire for love is so strong, we can easily end up projecting the fear driving these forms of manipulation way beyond just our parents.

Sometimes the behaviour being reinforced or discouraged really is in the child’s best interests, and other times it’s just convenient for the parents or aligned with their personal values.

Either way it’s classic Pavlovian conditioning at work, and it’s very powerful.

Fast-forward to adulthood and this latent childhood desire for parental approval can translate into a long-lasting fear of what other people think of us. At least, that’s what happened for me. It manifests as social anxiety, self-consciousness and a generalised fear of what other people think of me; especially if I’m doing something a little outlandish that my parents might not approve of. Any time I do something that didn’t fit their ultra-conservative value system, I start feeling anxious as if I was still a child waiting to be punished for exercising my will instead of theirs.

All this boils down to a constant need to seek other people’s approval. It is exhausting.

As adults, other people can easily become unconscious proxies for our parents; especially authority figures perceived as having power over us. If the problem wasn’t our parents, perhaps it was the teachers at school who dealt out harsh punishments or the bigger kids in the playground who dealt with their insecurities by bullying other kids. All these experiences can leave us feeling that we have to keep other people happy long into adulthood, and that will basically keep us stuck emotionally as a perpetually approval-seeking child in an adult’s body.

As if the obvious problems associated with this weren’t enough, I’ve recently identified the number one reason why you should stop seeking other people’s approval:

People Are Idiots

Even a cursory glance at much human behaviour shows that people are idiots. They don’t move down the back of the bus. They elect leaders who campaign for things that will adversely affect them. They espouse opinions about things they know nothing about. They’ll argue a point that’s clearly wrong rather than check the facts. They believe superstitious nonsense despite the success of modern science. They routinely self-sabotage.

Idiots

50% of people have a below-average IQ. I said that half-jokingly to a woman I was briefly involved with once, and she replied “Oh really?!?”. That told me which percentile she fell in. It didn’t last.

In supposedly developed countries, we eat junk food designed to fool our taste-buds into thinking that it’s good for us. A large proportion of the population smoke. We destroy the environment that sustains our own life for short-term gains enjoyed mostly by a few. We keep electing leaders who help make this happen. We stick at jobs that we hate and relationships that destroy us; yet we only seek help or make changes when a real crisis hits.

If you need further proof that people are idiots and happen to live in an apartment complex with separated waste recycling, just take a quick peek inside your communal recycling bins. You will marvel at how many people can’t even follow simple sorting instruction come trash time even when the planet is at stake.

And don’t get me started on the billions of people who blindly follow mythological and/or narcissistic religious leaders, gurus, gods and teachers.

People are idiots. If you live your life seeking the approval of idiots, it should be no surprise when your life goes down the toilet. Stop trying to please your proxy parents in the form of other people. You don’t need to read a mountain of self-help books to work this out. You just need to start thinking for yourself.

So in future, any time you’re worried about what someone else will think if you do what you want, just think for yourself and repeat after me: “People are idiots”.

#free thinking #freedom #human nature #liberation #morality #people pleasing #self-actualisation #self-help #Relationships

[all-kindsof-nerd]

Social Anxiety ✨Pro-Tip✨

if you’re walking around thinking about how everyone must be looking at you and they’re all talking about you/think you look bad/other anxious thoughts, attempt to distract yourself by concentrating HEAVILY on the design of the building you’re in or the architecture of buildings around you, or if you’re nowhere near a building, just the grass or the dead trees or literally ANYTHING other than a person. sometimes your brain will just deny this and still think about people looking at you, and again as i always say, !!!this won’t work for everyone!!!, but i wanted to share because today this really helped me out. i always get so anxious walking through this particular dining hall, and today i decided i was going to study its Interior Design and suddenly i noticed these ugly hanging lights i had never noticed before. it’s actually an amazing distraction that i, for some reason, never thought of before? so if this seems obvious to you i’m sorry, i just never thought of it and thought it might be helpful to at LEAST one other person.

#social anxiety #anxiety #anxious #yikes! #adhd #mental illness #it’s mental illness innit #good luck guys #love my socially anxious buds #hope you’re all doing well luvs #socially anxious

[duxpuella]

Heya! If your requests are open I’d love some hcs of nail perry x socially anxious!gn!reader

(If they’re not open don’t worry about it :))

Headcanons of Neil P. with a socially anxious (gn!) reader

<Atention: Modern AU where Neil lives, and Welton’s a boys & girls school.

Warnings: Fluff; >

Note:

I'm not socially anxious and, as a writer, not knowing that experience in first hand might cause my writing on the matter to not be accurate (and for that I'm sorry). But I take in any tips and critics that can improve my writing.

Mental health is an important matter and should be taken seriously. Anxiety takes many forms and all are valid, all worthy of attention and treatment. Remember that building a support network with people you love and trust is a critical step in treatment and should not be underestimated, you don’t have to go through it alone. If possible, seek follow-up with health professionals (psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists) whom you trust and feel comfortable to work with.

Here’s a few posts to help you go through those tough times: 1 2 3;

Also, here’s my Neil playlist, hope you enjoy it!

font;

Your first encounter was quite a disaster. You were friends with Meeks first, he was your Latin study bud.

He came to your table at lunch just to give back your notes, there were other 2 boys with him: a blonde with blue eyes and a brunette with dark brown eyes. The last one was really pleasant, you thought making the blood flow through your cheeks and looking at your feet.

Your shoes suddenly looked really interesting. You could see a spot of mud here and there. You made the note, mentally, to clean and polish them by night at your dorm. The idea of clean and polished shoes made your legs stop shaking.

You couldn't focus on whatever Meeks was asking or stating, and you didn't want to. Focusing on him meant interacting with the boys you didn't know. You were caught up in your spiral of thoughts when the dark-haired boy tapped your shoulder and handed you the notes.

You almost jumped, like a scared cat, instead you grabbed the notes and walked away in a clumsy way waving Meeks goodbye.

That night, you cleaned your shoes and told your roommate what happened. "Welton is big, you probably won't see him again. Don't worry."

For some weird coincidence of destiny, you seem to spot that boy everywhere you went for the next 3 weeks. And every time he saw you too, he would try to approach you. That even made you come to avoid Meeks so you couldn't cross paths with him.

At a certain point, he deduced you were a bit like Todd and decided to go slow. He handed you a handwritten letter where he talked a bit about himself and made questions about you.

Your friendship with Meeks came back to normal and the now named boy (Neil P.) became your pen pal.

After a few weeks and multiple letters, he invited you to a Disney movies marathon in his dorm room by Saturday morning. Needless to say, it was fantastic and you had a great time together.

Both of you spent progressively more time together, soon enough you were a member of the Dead Poets!

Neil is very close to Todd, so he has some experience in dealing with socially anxious people.

He will always hold your hand or be by your side in assurance.

Would love to take you to parties and social gatherings, and as soon as you feel like leaving you just need to squeeze his hand. He will understand the message.

Lots of non-verbal codes so he will know your mind without saying.

It's all quite spontaneous, no plan needed, he just knows how to read you.

He's also perfectly fine with a Disney marathon in his dorm, any time, any day. No need for going out, if you don't feel like it.

Neil will encourage you to come out of your shell on daily basis, but he won't cross your boundaries. He just wants what's best for you.

Hope you like it! I take requests by ask! (info on requests);

Also, you’ll find more of my writing here.

#duxpuella headcanons #dead poets society #dps fandom #dps headcanons #dps hcs #dps fic #neil perry #neil perry x reader

[theunknowninside]

I hate how Garroth and Laurence turned from BFFs and protectors to just meme boys, the neighbours you forget they exist until you remember one breaks down doors and you need to be cautious. I wish once Aaron was introduced in MCD they kept the mysterious character for him until he got to know Aphmau, slow burning relationship. Cautious of who he meets and what he does, scared of social contact and feeling anxious around people. Trying to get away and keeping chats quick. This type of relationship would have kept him as a very interesting character, very mysterious and maybe could raise questions in the watcher’s mind on who he is and where he comes from, unlike just flat out telling people and he just dates the main character. I’m sorry but Aphmau is a mary sue... i loved her as a kid and now I still do but I now realise how troubling she is as a character... As for Garroth, he would have been amazing as the poker faced knight, who opens up only to their friends, either gay, pan or bi leaning towards males. He keeps his helmet during the whole minecraft diaries only showing his face twice, during the cave scene where we first see his face and during his fight with Zane at the end of Season 1 MCD. Once out he feels anxious, has nightmares over what had happened, curious on what he did, wanting to visit his family because the fight really bring him to the edge. He feels as if he is going insane once outside, laying in bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, hearing Aphmau and Laurens talk about him outside his bedroom door. Laurens’ personality and likings weren’t very touched upon, I believe that he’d have a hobby that is sports related and he has his own gang outside of his friendgroup during the Phoenix Drop High and My Street. As for MCD Laurens would still hang out with friends but those friends would be the guards. He is easy to make friends, he is flirtatious mostly as a joke and with close friends. He is anxious when it comes to his fashion because he got made fun of wearing a striped shirt he decided to stop accepting clothes as gifts and buy them himself. Once he became buds with Travis they went shopping together and became so close they decided to play video games and THEN Travis moved in with them. Once Katelyn and Travis started dating she joined in on the shopping spree and they all highly enjoy their weekend hangouts + movie night.

#minecraft diaries #phoenix drop high #aphmau #garroth #laurens #katelyn #travis #MCD #mystreet #minecraft #minecraft RP #aaron #aaron lycan #slow burn aarmau 4 the win