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starshipsofstarlord · 1 month

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not yet corpses. still, we rot.

summary. you were surviving after the prison fell, whilst you felt lost deep inside of yourself. without daryl, and the others that you had lost and yet to find, everything only seemed to get worse. and all was proven when the claimers interrupted your futile attempts of avoiding nightmares

warnings. death, gore, violence, angst, fluff, smut, unprotected sex, swearing, mentions of s.a, mentions of death

notes. i changed the specification of the timeline a tiny bit, i moved the timeline of the smut into a flash back as in my head y/n and daryl would be too on guard to fuck after all that trauma. i hope you enjoy my attempt at writing your request, i’d love to know your thoughts 🖤

MINORS DNI (18+), I DO NOT CONTROL YOUR CONSUMPTION ON THIS BLOG 👻

divider credits. @cafekitsune

The crickets sung as aspiring performers in the midst of the fire’s crackling, you were cold, tired and hungry, and all that you wanted to hear was the epiphany of silence. Each limb in your body ached sourly from the endless trekking that you had participated within, the chance to close your eyes and rest sounded spectacular.

But you refrained from succumbing to a fuelling slumber, for you would only be haunted by the reality of the situation that you had no home, and members of your found family were lost to the land that crawled with ravenous walkers… or dead.

The warmth provided from the flames was greatly appreciated by your bumpy flesh, and you stared distantly into the licking of sunset coloured mirage of the makeshift campfire. It dried the whites of your eyes to an irritating texture, however it was better than facing the truth behind the pitiful glances that the three survivors that you had structured the prison alongside donated in your direction.

You weren’t looking for sorrowful attention, you just wanted to find as many of your group as you could, selfishly Daryl more than others. The plain silver band on your finger glinted from the source of radiating and manmade light, flickering your memory back to you and Daryl tying the knot in a place that you had hoped would remain secure.

If it wasn’t for the Governor and his manipulated army, then it would have. You were glad they had their fates, or at least you assumed they all had considering the destruction that had been waged in the graveyard like grounds. There were countless lives that you had ensured were ended as you did your best to ensure that they would regret their life ruining choices.

The clouds grew agitatedly darker within the midnight sky above you, and to the dismay of your body’s survivalist needs, your shoulders shrunk from the bitter air as Rick extinguished the source of warmth. As you idly sat by, remaining in your shroud of speechless presence, Rick escorted Carl to the immobile vehicle, allowing him to sleep on the backseats for extra protection from the horrors that could possibly creep up on you in the night.

Michonne moved closer to you, placing her hand which rarely not held her executing samurai on your jacket clothed bicep, the moment was tender considering that she was doing her utmost to comfort you. “He’s out there,” she spoke with confidence, believing each word that left her mouth. “He’s a survivor, and he knows what he’s doing out there.”

“We were all survivors.” It was a statement, one that caused you great misery to say. “But in the end nobody survives, we’re all going to die one day, and some of the people out there are worse than the walkers. There’s no saying what has happened to the others… to Daryl…” You shook your head, trailing off into a weight of what one would describe as tranquility.

For you however, it was a reminder that in your future everything would be mute. The outbreak would demolish the remaining population of every single species, tainting them with transformative virus until the new and ‘improved’, infinite flock of homo sapiens lay ruin and feast to anything that breathed. The world now belonged to the dead, they were suitably adapted to the unforgiving nature of the world.

Their past minds had been erased, the concepts of a once modern life vanquished as society was. There was nought memories of waiting in endless queues in supermarkets, or eating a buttered bucket of popcorn in a movie theatre. All that corrupted the simple minds of the corpses was necessity to devour anything that they envisioned as food - your mindsets were now of similar values in that slim respect.

Just thinking of your mouth being bitterly tainted with a murderous wash of irony blood revolted you; it was something that you would never swallow, literally. Ripping into human flesh with your very teeth was a repulsive reminder that one bite, or a death without a deadly pressure to the brain, would turn you into one of those monsters. You had to remain alert, despite your body’s almost hypnotic drowsiness to fall asleep.

At least Rick and Michonne had each other, even if they did not acknowledge the true depth of their reciprocated support. You could tell that through their reunion something had changed within their dynamic, and you missed the deep likeness of companionship that you had shared with Daryl. Often times than not, you and the southern blooded archer would be among the seemingly endless forestation that surrounded the safe homestead of the prison, tracking and hunting critters that could surpass as an edible hors d'oeuvres.

There would be bashful conversations drifting between the two of you, whether that be a suave competition of whom could catch the most lustre of nut harbouring squirrels, or- well, in simpler terms, a concoction of unholy words that would prevail when he was erratically buried inside of your cunt. You’d go at it like rabbits in prosperous heat whilst present in the woods; the prison had no privilege of privacy since the residents of Woodbury had adjoined with the residing numbers.

And that was the thing you missed the absolute most, having your man close, in any which way. That cramped bunk within your sheet concealed cell was something you’d die for currently, you adored being pressed up against Daryl’s chest, listening to his tame heart beat, as you fell tentatively asleep.

Watch was more exhausting than it appeared, with a traipse dignifying each of your steps, you rubbed your heavy eyelids, hoping to excuse the tiredness that was overwhelming your body. In your dominant hand you used your shotgun as a walking cane, forcing yourself to return to your cell that you missed dearly. It was better than falling into a shrouding slumber in the middle of the hall; that almost sounded tempting, considering you wouldn’t have to move any further through the large prison, but you had more reason than a cot to sleep on calling your name.

And you saw it as you achingly slid past the hanging drape of a sheet that allowed some privacy in the individual cell that you always returned to and housed your random array of nicknacks that you had picked up on runs into permanently closed stores. Daryl’s body was strewn across the thin mattress, his hand laid across his face covering his depth-full eyes, as his chest rose and fell in an irregular accordance - he was still conscious, unable to doze off into plentiful rest.

Your lips tugged in an endearing smile that he couldn’t see, and you couldn’t resist from creeping closer. That was all you required, to be close to him. There were only a handful of steps remaining until you got to your desired destination, and without so much of a thought, you persevered. “Hey.” The tone that radiated from you was weak, throughout the daytime, your schedule had been filled with condemning tasks which were necessary to keep the smooth run of the prison a constant. Whilst you were doing your maintenance, there had been a not so big, yet not so small, hoard of walkers appear from over the horizon.

Michonne had joined you with handling their swift executions, but your shoulders ached from the striking violence, and the dragging of water caskets; the council, of which you were a part of, had decided to move them out of the sun so their contents would be of a hydrating temperature.

“Ya okay sunshine?” Daryl rolled around so that he was on his side, and sat up on the edge of the bed with a crouching back so that he could view your approach of him. You came to stand between his legs, enjoying the sensation of his hands running around your hips, their warmth filling you with comfort. To lull into the atmosphere which was turning sensual, your fingers coiled in his hair, running through the locks that had grown over the months.

His nose ran softly up your stomach, as he buried his face into your form, having reciprocated your yearning for his company. With a smooth drag from his strong arms, you fell delightedly into his lap, your faces meeting in a staring match as he brushed the side of your face with his hand. “Love ya, so fuckin’ much, my stunnin’ girl.” He mumbled, leading your lips to his in a slow and meaningful collision. The moment was tender, doused in every word that you were too exhausted to say aloud. You were communicating via your actions, discarding the apparel that concealed your bottom halves, giving you the opportunity to slide your cunt down on his erect cock.

You felt blissfully full, the qualms that had bent you to their will through the day slipping instantaneously away. The cupping of your palms positioned themselves on his exposed shoulders, and you ground your hips together, feeling his tip prod deep within you. Daryl shuffled back, kicking his legs out as he wrapped his arms around your frame, treating you so delicately as he fucked you from below. His lips cascaded along every inch of skin that your tank left bare, expressing his adoration for you with his lips and the little circles he drew along your hips. He could never get enough of being close to you, since the first time the two of you had shared together, he had gained more confidence with his role in the sexual situations you shared.

The breaths that huffed past your lips in attempts of being quiet were addictive to his ears, he was desperate to get an audible sound to fester out of you, but the pleasured expression that was imposed on your face was enough; he knew that he was making you feel amazing, and in these lovemaking events, that was all that mattered to him. He groaned at the thought of being somewhere private, where you could make a sound without disturbing anybody, or risking walkers stumbling upon you.

You were close, Daryl could feel it, your walls clenched uncontrollably around his length, which drove him wild, and cautiously he bucked his hips upwards a little faster, careful not to cause the bed to squeak to badly as there were people sleeping in both cells either side your own. He sat further up, his back straighter so that he could brush his teeth gently along your jaw, driving you wild as your hands drove beneath the sleeveless sides of his shirt, caressing his scarred flesh with tentativeness.

You were snapped out of your daydream in the omnipotent dark as you felt the scuffing of crinkling leaves, and before you could adjust into defensive action, there was a cold metal muzzle pressed into your muzzle, by a man with silver locks and a denim vest suited to his greedy physique. Without a doubt, these were the same men that had traipsed upon the house that you and Rick had been inhabiting whilst Michonne and Carl were strolling the streets.

They were claimers to objects they valued as things that their greed thirsted for, and you shuddered a breath as the man threatening your life steadied his grotesque arm upon your shoulder all the whilst he opened his mouth to converse impolitely. “Maybe we’ll keep this one alive, she’s a looker.” It felt as though he was bragging about the possibility to his hungry followers that you could be his property.

He recognised Rick that was for sure. You’d been a witness to the man that had taken it upon himself to cozy his fat ass on the toilet, and the way in which his throat was denied oxygen to passage through it. You and Rick had been huddled under the bed that dipped from their pocket heavy weights as you had ran to awaken him as you were certain you’d heard something before they bustled into the once home to a stranger that was no doubt long dead. And in your escape, you had put a deadly pressure on the invader’s throat… until he permanently passed out.

To exasperate your distaste for his misogynistic idea, you spat upon the ground, your nostrils flaring as you dared to spin your head back so that his gun was resting upon your forehead. If he was going to shoot, he might as well make it quick, considering you didn’t intend to be alive if they had the intentions of taking sick advantage of your body.

As you prepared to retort an insult that foully would cause further trouble for you and your friends, they momentarily became distracted but still alert as a figure slunk onto the clearing. You had to allow your vision to focus, and when it did, you were shocked in the best possible way. It was Daryl, and he was certainly alive. He seemed to be acquainted with this pack of scavengers, and you realised that the ordeal in which he had went through was the only way in which he could have survived.

He didn’t liken association with low lives that threatened those he cared about, however he hadn’t seen their full nature until now. Daryl felt at a crossroads as he took complete acknowledgment of the weapon that was frozen against your skull; he couldn’t be rash, they were a lousy, impulsive group, and he was lit with elation in every cell of his body to see that you were still breathing.

“Jus’ hold up.” His gentle footsteps were slowly approaching in a careful regard as his voice strained with caution. He couldn’t help but eye Joe up - he had a gun to your damn head! If he pulled that trigger… he wouldn’t allow that bullet to be released. You were far too great a risk to have on the line, he had to settle this, like a man. Rick was squinting up at him, determining the reason for the unsurprising reaction the claimers had given his presence.

“One of these two is the one that killed Lou so we got nothing to talk about.” The rugged, richly certain statement fled from one of the thieving men, as he had his long barrel raised, Rick being the focus on the end of his gun that had most likely been stolen in the crossfires of their apocalyptic journey. Anything was loot to them, even with their rules, they were scoundrels no doubt before the end of the world had began, and they would leave it no different. But Daryl wasn’t willingly going to allow them to either kill or claim you, your worth was insanely precious, and he wouldn’t allow all you had been through to be for nothing.

“The thing about nowadays is we got nothin’ but time.” Joe said from behind you, realising that finally, Daryl had proven himself despite the cautionary warnings and delivered punishments that the archer had bore witness to, but he was just to be a loss to them if he didn’t get behind the way, then he would just be an obstacle in the way. “Say your piece Daryl.” This was his final chance, but he had been given an opportunity. Joe liked to think of himself as an understanding man, there was always a reason as to why a swine didn’t want to roll in the mud; his gaze noticed that your eyes didn’t deter away from the redneck that was new to his ranks. There was an expression that he didn’t recognise upon upon your face, but he was willing to use it for his own purposes if it came to such a crossroads.

“These people…” Daryl cast his eyes momentarily at you again, as though he was pleading for you to remain still and allow him to be the peacemaker. And you subtly nodded, brows drawing together as you concentrated on the group members who had taken up space in your surroundings. “You gon let em go. These are good people.” He was attempting to find some humanity in this man who was leaning like a shadow over you, if there was any. It was the same careful traipse of dialogue that he would use with Merle when he was being inconsiderate before the outbreak, it hardly worked, his brother would laugh and call him a pussy, but Daryl had learned how to use his heart.

It was there to love, and whilst it still felt new, to be loved. These were his people, you were his person, and it was his responsibility to save you. He had tried to protect Beth, and whilst she had gotten out of that mortuary house with her life in tact despite the wave of walkers that had invaded through the front door, she still had to be alive. And so did the others, wherever in the country they were, no one was weak, each of you had your own strengths and that would get you somewhere. It had to.

“Now I-I-I think Lou would disagree with yer on that.” The grey haired man stuttered, and you weren’t sure whether it was due to the lack of respect he felt from Daryl whom he had taken in as one of his own - a stray, or if he felt inferior. You supposed it was the latter, there was a continual pattern with each man that fought for power that you had noticed after your encounters. They feared any soul opposing them, it made them appear frail and insecure, just like the Governor had been with the instances involving Andrea and Michonne. “I’ll of course have to speak for him an’ all because your friends here strangled him in a bathroom.”

Guilt overflowed like a faucet in your throat; you didn’t regret killing ‘Lou’. Rick had been your supporting witness, but there were no longer court trials condemned to determine the punishments for living, instead those that thought they were in control of the passers-by that they encountered - and to them, what fit every crime was death. There was now nought reason for you to brood in your squalor, you could see Daryl’s face, and if that was the last image that you had earned before the end of your life, you were glad. Though you were stubborn to go out fighting, otherwise your entire life after the prison; the tears, the passiveness, and the little amount of blood that had spilt from you would all have been for nothing.

“You want blood, I get it.” Daryl read them, Joe had already killed one of his own men, he wouldn’t hesitate when it came to a found family of strangers. They weren’t good people, they were miscreants that had given him the choice to either join them on their sin induced travelling, or die. And he had been broken, lost and alone, there had been no other choice if he had the intent of surviving in order to drains you. With disregard, he threw his arms in a stance, disarming himself as his crossbow flew out of his hands, falling on the ground, showcasing that he had an offer that Joe would not justify with a refusal “Take it from me man. Come on.”

Your heart swelled, Daryl was putting his own life on the line so that he could save you and your friends. A glaze of emotion was cast over your eyes, as you tried to slow your heartbeat, if you panicked, none of you would get out of this. “This man and woman killed our friend. You say their good people.” It was ironic, if you weren’t so shocked you would have stifled a laugh. These people weren’t friends, there weren’t any tears for their dear Lou, no, they craved any excuse to take and take and take. The revenge they were stubborn with pursuing was only a reason to get their hands bloody, and feel powerful as they got further away from the concept of being a human. “Now that right there i-i-is a lie. It’s a lie!”

Daryl couldn’t bargain through this, they were set in stone when it came to their perception of inflicting both emotional and physical pain. With disappointed defeat, his arms flopped haplessly at his sides, as he continued to stand straight. He had to get through to them! They could budge just a little, he just had to encourage them, make them believe that letting you live was the wrong thing to do. “C’mo-” Before he could continue his pleads to be the centre of violent attention, one of the lowlife claimers wretched their foot into his stomach, causing him to wheeze uncontrollably from the harsh impact.

At the sight alone of him getting hurt, it was on instinct that you prepared to swerve into action. You had to stop this, you had to save him. Your hands scratched against the golden leaves that were all over the ground as you tried to scramble up on your feet, attempting to prevent further bruising or blood withdrawal from Daryl’s body, however a sharp pain flew through your scalp. Joe had grabbed you, maintaining you as his hostage as his fingers weaved aggressively through your hair, forcing you to jut your chin out from the painful discomfort.

“Teach him fellas.” His tone was strong as he beckoned his orders, his deep, soulless eyes twitching from the agitation that had pent up within him. “Teach him all the way.” He ensured that they were aware of what he wanted, and the rest of the claimers were gratified to comply with his protocol of brutality, shoving Daryl up against the frozen vehicle, the clash of his body against it being audible from where you knelt. They threw punch after hateful punch, and Daryl struggled to maintain his stance against them; it was two against one.

“C’mere boy.” The words were growled out through the open car door, as Carl was dragged away from the hiding space. He couldn’t escape, and the claimers were getting the best of your group, and they were in afraid to draw blood. A knife was held firmly against the boy’s throat, and your eyes bulged from the petrifying suspense. Tears slipped from Carl’s blue eyes that had witnessed far too much for his age, and Rick began to panic. Lori had lost her life when she was birthing Judith, who now was also somewhere in the unknown, probably dead. He wouldn’t fail as a father a second time and allow his remaining child to die. “You leave him be!” Rick bellowed, which only made the sick men chuckle at his despair as they held him down from writhing towards an escape to rescue his son.

“Listen it was me! It was just me!” The words shrieked from your lips, as you felt a pool of despair puddle in your eyes. This was all because of you, perhaps if you hadn’t panicked within the moment of entrapment, and you hadn’t forlorn Lou to whichever afterlife lay after the present, then the claimers would have spared you, envisioning you as stragglers that had done no harm. There was a debt to be paid; a score that Joe felt he had to settle, and it was all because of your pathological actions. If anyone had to own up and pay the cost of taking the life of their adjoined associate, it should be you.

They wanted a permanent justice of a life, and you were happy enough to allow them to take it, as long as you were deemed the victim. That said however, if there was a route away from a pledged sentence, you would take it so that your entire family, including you would be spared. You just had to wait for the opportunity to present itself, and then there would be no hesitation on your part. “See now that’s right.” Joe’s words saturated your spine with a discerning flavour of fright, as he pushed the threatening metal harsher against the shell of your brain.

Rick’s eyes drifted in a frantic debauch between his sobbing son, who was thrashing under the weight of the gruesome man who conveyed him as nothing more than an activity; he’d enjoy watching him die; and you, whom was rigid from head to toe. His mind tried its damndest to calculate a way to save you both, you’d become like a sister to him despite the arrogance that you’d greeted him with back at the Atlanta camp, blaming him dreadfully for Merle’s captivity on that rooftop, rather than Merle and his big, loud and agonising mouth that tended to land him in a swarm of trouble. You had always been on Daryl’s side, but now you shared a connection after the fleeting experiences that had doubtlessly backed you against a wall.

“That’s not some damn lie. Look we can settle this, we’re reasonable men.” Joe reasoned with self interest and vengeance, his stone irises scouring languidly down your tense body from above, a little impressed that a woman had managed to withdraw the life of one of his boisterous comrades. His breath heaved down on you, making your skin crawl with distaste. And so he continued, making you all the more seasoned with spite. “First we’re gonna beat Daryl to death. Then your friend next to you. Then the other girl. Then the boy. And then we shoot you and then we’ll be square.” His maniacal laugh retorted in an echo, as his words truly sunk in. There had been enough devastation, and you viewed each of those you cared for with compassion.

Carl was writhing across the golden leaves that appeared gray beneath the silver moon, leaking from his tear ducts with agonising fear. Rick was stern with his demanding pleas that did nothing but resort humour into the audience that had you at gun point. Michonne was wide eyes and prepared for any intrusion that could occur, silently realising that you would be the culprit to begin a ravenous fight. And Daryl, god Daryl was swinging his arm back as much as he was able, losing against the two men that had the delight of using him as a punching bag. You couldn’t wait any longer, no one was on their way to save you, there was no other choice but try again, planning on a physical tactic this time.

“Let them go.” You hissed dangerously thro the your teeth, flickering your eyes around one last time, managing to make eye contact with Michonne, the gun against her braided head remind you that it was now or never. Joe felt hilarity from your demand, and you repeated it in an increased volume, distracting him with the sound of your voice before you threw your head back, whacking the man behind you with a mind numbing force. The bang of a bullet stirred a hazy cast across your field of vision, spiring a high pitched scream of white noise in your ears, but it was worth it. Joe had stumbled aback, the impact having arose a newfound course of adrenaline to fluster through your pumping veins.

With the rush that jolted you into a spiralling spree of sudden action, you span around, standing upon your two feet as you threw a heavy punch to your enemy’s tired face, a concerned look transpiring upon Rick’s face, as Daryl failed with unfortunate consequences to prevail in his hand to hand combat hustle. In return, you had earned a blow to the face, the force of Joe’s fist causing you to be upon the floor once again. “Oh it’s gonna be so much worse now.” To support his promise, his foot met with your ribs, causing a holler and a pained gasp to escape you; there would no doubt be a bruise left if you survived this assault.

Another slap brandished your face with a stinging hue, as you stumbled up, staggering slightly as you did your best to focus on winning this physical battle. “Come on, get up! Come on, let’s see whatcha got.” He was teasing you, drowning you with anger from the mockery he betrothed you with, as a red line ran pleasantly from his nose. “C’mere!” He growled, prompting you for more, and to see his blood spill was a divine gift, even as he breathed disgustedly against you as he grabbed you by the waist, holding you in front of his body. “What the hell you gonna do now slut?”

There was no possibility of escaping his grip with your form alone, he was a sturdy man, albeit an evil one, but he had you in his monstrous clutch. Your brain racked with a free flow of a matching immoral high ground, and thus you thought of the walkers, and how they took life. Your noggin tossed back in a flurry of monstrosity, your teeth gnashing until they pried formlessly upon his throat, the flesh running between each porcelain tooth as you found purchase in the skin, tugging with animosity, until the torn fragment of his body was pulled away, blood spattering in a revolted spray from your mouth.

The claimer gradually fell, pausing his team from their desolate nature of commanding death as their leader met his end, laying in a lifeless pile on the ground. Michonne and Rick pursued their captor’s, sweeping their lives away in a more sophisticated fashion than you had, and Daryl gained the upper hand from your repulsive distraction. As Rick fled from where he had knelt, he sprinted to pursue Carl’s release, as you remained still, shocked with your own tactile second nature. Your face was half covered in blood, like you were a young child whom had gotten into their mother’s makeup bag, but that wasn’t the reality. You shook, astounded with trauma.

Arms coiled around you, as Daryl held your crimson chin in his hand, looking lovingly at you despite the circumstances that had lead to your freedom. “Sunshine.” The term was distinctly ironic, but the cigarette husk that adorned his throat remained full of love. Since the outbreak you had all had to complete extensive steps to remain breathing, and your breath stuttered as you wanted nothing more than to bury your face in your archer’s chest, but he held your head up, as he dragged the red rag from his pocket, swiping across the stain that made the rag even redder. As you looked around yourself, you saw past the massacre and felt relief.

This was home; these people, especially the one right in front of you. His hand stroked roughly against your cheek as a long, heartfelt peck was planted upon your forehead. He had found you, in this sick world that had all of you lost. You smiled at him, resting your forehead against his as you shared a harmonious breath. “I’m just happy your alive Dixie.” You tried to uplift the mood, as did Rick and Michonne, as they fussed with care over Carl. Daryl couldn’t care less for the state that you were displayed in, he pulled you closer, unable to resist your lips. You shared a kiss, it was passionate and filled with circumstantial desperation, your hands pulled at his neck as you tried to get his face closer.

You could only move on from this happening, there was no dwelling. There was no guilt bore in your chest, those that tried ripping you apart deserved a worse fate, and you had only been fair since considering the consequences they had imposed on forcing you to experience. The Governor was the same, and so would the next foolish soul that failed the lengths that you would all go through to protect each other. You felt sick from the vehemence that had concurred from your body, but you had found more pieces of your familial puzzle, and you had every intention of finding the rest.

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pennyellee · 10 months

Text

CHAPTER II - sponsalia

LACRIMOSA | MYG MAFIA YANDERE AU

pairings: mafia leader!yoongi x f!reader genre: mafia!au, yandere au, historical au

summary: Their interlocking gaze served as a butterfly effect on his heart, stirring it to the core. She, in turn, only dreams to find a way to escape. But perchance, over time she might forcefully learn to love the man who has taken so much from her.

Thus unfolds a twisted tale of love and loss, of hope and despair, of life and death. The music reverberated through the dimly-lit streets. Tears of sorrow, weeping symphony - reflects the hurt, the scars that linger deep within and the wounds that never healed. Lacrimosa.

chapter warnings: minors dni 18+ | mafia au, dark!yoongi, mafia!yoongi, yandere, kidnapping, mentions of God, mention of drugs, manipulation, possessive/obsessive behaviour, angst, mentions of death, overwhelming, violence, sexual tension

beta read by @chaoticpuff17

word count: 6,7K

disclaimer: this story is purely fictional, it does not depict real-life events or involve any actual members of BTS. This story will contain depictions of violence, blood shed, death, mentions of abuse, smoking, alcohol drinking, illegal activities, old social norms and traditions, which we do not condone.

m.list CHAPTER I CHAPTER III

sponsalia (n.) engagement

The heavy rain casts a hazy veil over the world around her and the sound of them reminds her of the storm that rages within. The last memory is coming through the light once she opens her eyes and sees, now, familiar surroundings. Lost and trapped. She wishes this to be only a mere nightmare she will wake up from. Her voice sore and barely audible, she whispers into the quiet room illuminated by the fire from the fireplace, “Why did you let this happen, my lord?” Knowing deep down that her question will remain unanswered, she longs for just one response—

“A twist of fate, perhaps, my little dove.”

She does not dare to turn herself to the voice, never before feeling such overwhelming fear. Her heart aches with sadness and is reigned by fear and perhaps a tinge of disappointment at her inability to escape and flee the spars of this world.

“No courage now? You displayed enough when you injured one of my men,” he chuckles with a sly grin, thoroughly intrigued by the woman lying in his bed.

“Is he alright?” She rises from the bed, unaware that every word she utters draws him even deeper.

“Are you concerned for his well-being or worried that this sin will lead you to hell?” He arches an eyebrow, curiously expecting her answer.

Lowering her gaze to her trembling hands, she stammers, “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just needed to get away.”

‘A pure soul,’ he contemplates silently. This very woman might just be his endgame. He is determined but wishes to interrogate more. Seizing the opportunity when her guard momentarily falters, he taunts.

“Get away from me? Or was there something else, darling?” He knows he knows it all and a lot more, yet he is so intrigued to hear it from her.

“Can I leave?”

“No, —” he said quickly “—I asked you a question.”

“Why can’t I leave?” Y/N asked again, more determined to get a real answer once she started to feel an epiphany about her situation.

“Why would you want to leave?” he counters.

And for once, she started to think strongly about what awaits her once she leaves. Apart from her oppressive home, where punishment or death looms, she has nowhere else to go. Y/N failed to get away.

“Are you from the Yakuza?” she mutters, finally realising he never disclosed his identity.

“Min Yoongi,” he simply uttered his name, knowing it will answer her question. Her pupils are dilated, and her breathing gets shallow.

“Will you answer my question…. Y/N?”

Her heart races, desperately trying to regain control of her breath, but her mind remains scattered. Min. His name echoes in her mind. He stands before her, the man her father would never make peace with. It always comes down to two choices — either they strike a deal or engage in a bloody war, murdering each other’s men. Here he is, right in front of her. She has fallen into the arms of the enemy. Not only will her father punish her for running away, but now she also faces another punishment for being caught by an enemy.

“It seems there is a lot on your mind now, darling. Let me alleviate some of your burdens,” he says standing up from the low armchair by the fireplace, walking towards the bed. Her instincts urge her to retreat, her eyes welling up with tears of sorrow and fear.

“Don’t be afraid of me. If you play your cards right and obey, I promise nothing will happen to you, my love,” he murmurs, using a term of endearment that catches her attention.

“That’s it, baby. Breathe and calm down,” he whispers soothingly.

She locks eyes with him, drawn into their depths, a place where few dare to venture. Nobody dares to look directly into the leader’s eyes. She, even in this state, does so.

“Your father can’t punish you no more. You can find the freedom you seek by my side,” he says, his gaze fixed on her, memorizing every detail.

“What do you mean?” She asks with a newfound venom in her voice.

“You think I would allow your old man to marry you off to Yamamoto’s retarded excuse of a son and assure Tokyo’s alliance with Hong Kong?” He laughs.

“Heaven sent you to me, my love.” he continues, a sickly chuckle escaping his lips.

“And if you’re wondering how it benefits me to have you here, darling, I believe you’re smart enough to figure it out.”

She realises that if she refuses to marry the yakuza boy, the alliance will crumble, and her father will lose leverage against Seoul and the Mins who reign here. Y/N didn’t plan to marry a Yakuza man nonetheless, but she for sure never planned to stay in the middle of the chess board.

“I must admit, I found it admirable that you’ve managed to run away from China, through Luen’s north side, to our territory in the south, very brave,” he points out, acknowledging her efforts. “—and get to Jeju, right to Chan-yeol—” he says.

“You made it so easy for me. Thank you for that.” There is a hint of pleasure in his voice when he continues to speak.

“I bet your Sire didn’t expect that at all,” he grins. “You have a fire in you, my dear, —” he focuses back on her, “—and I cannot wait to tame you,” his voice shifting from casual to intimidating.

“You will make a fine wife,” Yoongi states.

“I’ll be no one’s wife. You must think me a fool if you believe I’ll marry you or anyone else from your circus,” she spits out defiantly. He stares at her silently.

“Careful,” he finally warns, surprising her with his calm demeanour. To get or inherit the position of leader, one must possess the patience of steel and a wise, calculating mind. All this and more, is embodied in the young leader, Min.

“I have my ways to persuade you that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you. You’ll realise that along the way,” he says, seemingly playing with her mind. ’Lord, please, you must have mistaken me for someone else,’ she silently prays.

“Care to elaborate?” she dares to ask.

“Your little cousin and her husband, and their little adorable son —” he trails off.

“You wouldn’t,” she quickly interrupts him.

“Oh, I would, darling. And even more. What about your sister, hmm? Isn’t she turning eighteen soon? My right-hand man is ready to take a wife...” he taunts.

“You cannot play with lives! Not with mine or others —” she snaps.

“Yes, I can, my little butterfly—” he says, gripping her chin forcefully and bringing her closer to his face, locking eyes with her.

“People follow me and worship me as if I were a god. My wife won’t be excluded. Or do you wish for bloodshed and potential homicide?” he mocks.

“Be grateful I saved you from that imbecile you were supposed to marry,” he adds, releasing her chin as she immediately rubs the numb spot with teary eyes.

“After all, you’ve just become a peace offering, my dear. God has a plan, and we shall obey the lord,” he asserts. She raises her eyes back to him, the tension between them palpable, amplified by the continuing rain outside, playing its role in the orchestra of her sorrow.

“You don’t have a choice, darling,” he declares, his words stinging her soul as they hang in the air.

“Either you stay under my protection, be a good girl, marry me, and obey, or I’ll deal with your clan brutally,” he states, rising from the bed and walking toward the door.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to negotiate the terms with your old man.”

“Get more rest.” He looked at her for the last time and closed the door behind him. A click of the lock follows. Only now, she allowed herself to cry out loud.

’You said that if I’ll help myself, lord will help me too.’ She cried, desperately. Run away from the oppressed life of a future mafia wife, just to get even closer to marriage and marital duties, autonomy out of reach.

The overwhelming sense of loneliness and fear of an uncertain future weighs heavily on her. Would it be easier to go back home, and get beaten up and punished? Or would it be easier to stay and accept she will never get away from this life?

There is something she sees in his eyes, but she cannot figure out what it is. She’s exhausted from the run, from all the thinking and future battles she will have to participate in. Her eyes are slowly closing, and her consciousness is failing her again.

“Good morning, Buin,” a voice called out, causing her to squint her eyes from the sudden stream of light entering the room. Grumbling, she pulled the blanket up higher to shield herself.

“Doctor Kim will pay you a visit today, Buin.” the voice continued, and her eyes snapped open. Reality set in, and she realized this wasn’t just a bad dream — she wasn’t home.

“A doctor?” She said, successfully ignoring how she called her the lady of the house.

“Sajangnim requested that we draw you a bath so you can relax and clean yourself,” the little lady replied with a big smile, clearly infatuated with her “Sajangnim”. Rolling her eyes at the maid’s innocence, she welcomed the suggestion of a bath. This westernised hanok must have a bathing room hidden somewhere in its wooden maze. Accepting the white hanfu offered to her, she eagerly anticipated the chance to have her long hair washed. It had become a tangled mess after days of neglect. Maybe she would finally be able to wear her hair down, something she had never been allowed to do before. Her scalp was always sore from the numerous hairpins and clips used to hold her hair in the complicated styles she despised. And perhaps, she could even cut her hair.

“We’re here, Buin,” the maid interrupted her thoughts, leading her to a wooden door that swung open. The sight of a bathroom in a house, a luxury reserved for urban dwellers, reflected the wealth of the syndicate.

She entered the room, and the maid closed the door from inside. The water was already in the large wooden bathtub, steaming hot, beckoning her to submerge herself. It was spacious enough for her to float on the surface if she wanted to. The maid prepared her soaps and other hygiene products. She will clean herself as she graciously declined her help.

“Sajangnim said that if you were to resist his hospitality and commands he gave us, he shall come and help you himself.” The girl said with no emotion in her voice. She memorised it by heart.

“You can tell Sajangnim to stay put,” she muttered in response.

“Buin—” the girl attempted again but Y/N waved her off. She didn’t want to treat the poor girl in this mean manner, but she desired an alone time.

“Please…just wait outside.” Y/N pleaded. Reluctantly, the girl obliged, but she was certain she would report back to her master in a heartbeat. Besides, Y/N had nowhere to escape within the confines of this room.

She shed the lightweight hanfu and slowly lowered herself into the steaming water, feeling her muscles gradually relax. At least for a moment, her mind started to ease the running thoughts, calming the storm down.

Until she heard his voice. Her body immediately tensed up. She strained to listen to the conversation — or rather, the series of commands directed at the poor gal.

“Doctor Kim has arrived, make sure she is ready in the master bedroom in fifteen minutes. Tell the staff to prepare lunch for us in the garden after.” His voice was gone after this, and a soft knock followed.

“Buin—” the maid’s voice called softly, and by that time, Y/N was already hurriedly putting the hanfu back on.

“I’m coming,” she sighed.

She stopped the servant girl once she wanted to put her hair up in a bun. Now back in the room, sitting in a closet the devil managed to obtain for her as if he knew she will come. It was full of beautiful qipao’s but also some Korean hanboks and even some traditional Chinese beizis if she wanted to get more comfortable presumably. Among them, she noticed some lingerie, which internally made her nauseous with anxiety. Her hair was longer than she remembered, as she rarely wore it down.

“I suggest you keep the hanfu while Doctor Kim is here and then we shall clothe you in a dress.” To say she was scared and nervous about what this Doctor Kim will want to see or do was understandable.

“Here she is!” A loud and cheery voice echoed in the bedroom. “You caused quite a commotion, sweetie. I’m thrilled to finally meet you,” said the handsome man who entered the room with a leather suitcase and white coat.

“Doctor Kim, I presume,” She assumed. He was undeniably attractive, much like his Kkangpae. But she wouldn’t admit that for some time.

“For you, sweetie, it’s Seokjin. We’re going to be family, after all,” he smiled, attempting to put her at ease. He couldn’t help but notice her guarded demeanour. She scoffed at his proclamation, as expected.

“So,” he clapped his hands together, “let’s talk about you and your health, darling,” he said while searching for an empty file with her name.

“I want you to know that I won’t tell him a damn thing unless it’s necessary, you can trust me,” he stated.

“Except whether or not I’m a virgin, right?” she retorted in a cocky voice, mocking the messed-up mafia system.

“If you want to start with that, you can lie down, and I’ll check,” he sassed back with a smirk. Something told her they would only be friends for a very brief moment as long as she remained in this place.

“So, are you?” he asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“What if I’m not?” she tilted her head to the side. He chuckled.

“I see your point, but that wouldn’t free you from the engagement. He would simply have the man who touched you slaughtered to show his power,” he explained. She straightened herself, taking a deep breath.

“And even though I have to check anyway, it’s not just about your chastity,” he said. She did know, but that didn’t mean she would be comfortable spreading her legs for a stranger.

“Let’s leave that until the very end, shall we?” he smiled at her.

“Have you consumed any contaminated water while you were on the run?” he surprised her with the question.

“No, I don’t think so...” she stammered.

“Besides hurting Hoseok-ssi, did you fight with anyone else and get injured?” So that was the man’s name.

“Is he okay?” she asked, deflecting his question.

“He’s fine, but you should apologise once you meet him. He meant no harm,” he replied. Well, she hadn’t meant any harm either; she just wanted to escape the scene quickly. She nodded in agreement.

“When was the last time you were sick, honey.”

“Sometime last year.” He hummed in response.

“Do you have a family history of any medical conditions or diseases?” he continued with the examination.

“None that I’m aware of,” she shrugged.

“Any reproductive problems in your family?” he asked more seriously.

And here it comes—reducing her to merely a vessel, even before marriage. Just in time, the devil appeared in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his hands in his pockets. “Not on my side,” he interjected.

She didn’t want to give him a glance, but her body failed her. His black hair was tucked behind his ears, a scar shining in its glory on his face. He smiled. And for a moment, she got lost in his eyes again. He’s having an impact on her, and he knows.

“Y/N?” Seokjin called her name to get her attention back to him.

“No, not in my lineage,” her gaze fell again as she listened to what he was asking her.

“Do you smoke?” He asked with curiosity in his voice.

“Uhm, no.” She answered honestly. Y/N had been around cigarettes a lot, but she had never smoked one herself.

“Very good, do not start. It’s not worth it,” he gave his younger brother from another mother a side-eye, and the younger one just rolled his eyes in response. It made her chuckle a little, hoping they wouldn’t hear it. He did but didn’t say a word. Yoongi wanted her to be comfortable around him.

“Alcohol?” he asked while jotting down her previous answers.

“Occasionally?” she questioned herself, as she couldn’t remember the last time, she had a drink.

“Hmm,” he hummed again and wrote it down.

“Do you have any problems with your monthly bleeding?” Seokjin looked into her eyes and glanced at his brother.

“No…” she said awkwardly, gulping down.

“When was the last time you ate?” He looked into her eyes, and she realised she couldn’t recall, nor did she feel hungry until now. Was it the adrenaline?

“I think it was the morning I left Shenyang, five days ago,” she replied.

“You went from Shenyang to Incheon in 5 days?!” He raised his voice which caused him a mean look from his leader.

“How are you not exhausted to death?!” He continued.

“I had some intense drugged sleep. Thank you for your concern, though,” she answered honestly.

“She needs to eat, but she has to do so carefully to avoid upsetting her stomach. Don’t let her overstuff herself,” he instructed his companion. She was starting to feel ravenous; she hadn’t eavesdropped on their conversation, but rather, she was lost in her thoughts, preparing for what would come next.

“Beautiful, I need you to lie down for Seokjin now,” he snapped her out of it.

“What?” with him inside the room?

“It’s not necessary. I can tell him what he needs to know without that,” she protested.

“It’s a rule we follow, dove. We don’t want you to—” she cut him off.

“You just want to know if someone have fucked me before or not. Otherwise, you wouldn’t care,” she spat out. He seemed taken aback by her sudden change of attitude. This is the fire he wanted to desperately extinguish, at least towards him. Jin looked very much shocked but also amused when he glanced at his friend that was startled by this petite Chinese woman.

“I need to check for other reasons as well,” Seokjin said, clasping his hands together.

“Why can’t you just retrieve my medical file?”

“You have a medical file?” He asked, surprised. It was very rare for someone to have a medical file, especially at times after the war, apart from when a young one went to study. An entrance examination was always needed.

“Yes. Send a letter to my college.” She said, not realising she slipped a piece of valuable information out.

“College?” Yoongi asked, clearly shocked. Seokjin wasn’t looking much less surprised than him. She gave them questioning looks, knowing full well why they were so astonished.

“W-What did u study?” Jin stammered the question out. She wasn’t meant to inherit her father’s empire, but she was destined for an arranged marriage to another powerful family. Higher education wasn’t supposed to be part of her life. However, this would explain why she hadn’t been married off at eighteen. They had sent her away to study.

“Nursing.” She shrugged as if her words carried no weight.

“My, my,” said Jin, stroking his chin.

“I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no. As of now, a big no,” she looked at her abductor, confused.

“As of now is good with me!” he clapped his hands together.

“Now, please leave, brother. I don’t think she’ll ever comply if you’re here. I’ll bring her to the garden afterwards,” Yoongi wanted to object, but when he saw the pleading distress in her eyes, he nodded and left his bedroom.

The young leader was proud that she hadn’t tried to run away or throw a tantrum yet. He didn’t want to resort to violence or coercion.

Stone pathways meandered through the garden, inviting one to explore its every corner. She was absorbing her surroundings with a teacup in her small hands. The air was fragrant with the scent of autumn. The wind was a bit chilling as the end of October was nearing. Snow will fall soon. A small pavilion she found herself sitting in beside a koi fishpond that sparkled in the sunlight, felt too peaceful.

“You look absolutely stunning,” said he, his gaze fixed upon her petite figure draped in a flowery pink qipao, her hair elegantly tucked behind her ears. She radiated a natural beauty, untouched by face powders or lipsticks. He loved this vision, an embodiment of purity and innocence. Little did he know, beneath her facade of grace, lay a sharp tongue that defied even the will of God.

She sipped her tea; Y/N ate a little bit of rice and seaweed soup to drive off her hunger. As she admired the garden’s serenity, she found herself drawn not only to its peacefulness but also to the possibility of escape it presented. Perhaps she could run back to Incheon and board a ship that would carry her far away from this place.

“You should know that ‘pretty’ is just a word, and your compliments and pet names won’t win me over. Use my name,” she scoffed, challenging his attempts to woo her.

“That doesn’t mean I’ll stop,” he was determined to break through her defences.

Y/N shot him a piercing stare, a skill she had acquired swiftly. She pondered the enigma of the man before her, wondering how in God’s name she could resist his charm.

“I appreciate that you haven’t attempted to escape yet,” he murmured, sipping his tea. Y/N was no fool; she knew that throwing a fit every second she was held captive would only lead to further confinement. For now, she decided to falsely embrace the last moments of autumn in this beautiful garden, she already scanned in her mind.

“I won’t be very keen on you if you’ll try to,” he warned, his tone shifting unexpectedly. Did he seek to intimidate her, or was he afraid she would succeed in slipping away?

“You seem eager to ask me questions,” said she with cockiness in her voice. Acting tough would make it harder for him to break her will. Not like she counted on a prolonged stay.

“I do,” he hummed in agreement. “But are you willing to answer them, my sweet?” Her eyes rolled at the nickname, accompanied by a scoff. He sighed.

“I’ll answer anything you want, and you’ll answer mine. Deal?” he proposed, a smile playing on his lips.

“That’s quite the cliché, you know,” she declared, placing her cup down just as he eagerly reached to refill it.

“But if it gets you to talk to me, darling, I’ll graciously accept the cliché,” he replied smoothly.

“I know what you want to ask,” she interjected. He was curious about how she managed to study for years without being married off.

“My aunt was very dear to my father. She persuaded him,” she confessed, her words carrying a burden that still weighed on her mind.

“Naturally, my father had intended to marry me off instead of allowing me to pursue my studies. It was still on the table. However, the last war, as you surely recall, brought forth injured, disabled, and dead.”

“I had just turned eighteen. So, my aunt negotiated that I would study nursing in Shenyang instead and be useful to the clan this way. My father saw the merit in her argument and delayed my marriage to whatever his name is—” She explained, her nonchalant tone contrasting with the mention of the man she was meant to marry and the affection she held for her late aunt.

“But my aunt passed away recently and there was no reason for my father to let me stay in Shenyang after I ended my studies. I became more useful to him if I married that boy, as your clan sent a warning. He needed the allyship.” She sighed.

“So I ran the moment we buried my aunt and I was sent back to Shenyang to get my diploma and return.” He listened attentively, aware that her trust was not easily won, and that loyalty would be crucial in their future together. She was still cautious around him, and he wanted her to open up to him even more. It would be a lot easier for her to trust him. But he knew better than that. Trust is earned, and it goes both ways.

“You never met him?” he inquired, referring to her failed engagement.

“No. I don’t think I even remember his name. Father always called him Yamamoto, never by his first name,” she replied. He knew his name well, having encountered him during negotiations for a deal in the past. Officially, Korea remained under Japanese rule, but within the underworld, clans were locked in fierce conflict. Yoongi, longing for peace, knew that Wang’s treaty pact with the Yamamoto clan was a significant obstacle. However, with Y/N’s presence here, the plans could be easily altered. According to the plan.

The cold young leader is not only aiming for her father’s empire and making peace for his clan, he longed for a woman like her. It was about time the leader of the clan took a wife to secure the lineage. Although there was a male heir in her family, who could potentially pose an obstacle, he was still too young to step into the role. Y/N, as the eldest heir, a female, would become an integral part of Yoongi’s plans to secure the future of their clans.

“You crave the throne, don’t you?” she asked, cocking her head and chin defiantly, her narrowed eyes fixed on him.

“I want you too.” She chuckled at his response.

“I’m merely a convenient excuse, am I not?” Y/N smiled too sweetly.

“You’ll kill m—” he rose from his chair, not even letting her finish. Grabbing her by her shoulders in a steel grip with a penetrating gaze.

The fragile cup slipped from her trembling hands and shattered on the floor. A nearby maid prepared to clean up the shattered shards. “Leave us!” he barked at the startled girl; his voice filled with anger. Y/N’s eyes widened. He was even more aggressive and intimidating than before.

“I could—” his voice seething with fury, “— I could gather man and slaughter your entire clan, keeping you as a trophy, a symbol of my power.” The threat hung in the air, and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Fear was coursing through her, yet she resisted letting it control her.

“Matter of fact—” he continued, his grip tightening on her shoulders, eliciting a whimper of pain from her, “—you will be a symbol of the magnitude my power has, no matter if your father and family remain alive. So, it’s on you. The fate of your kin rests in your hands. Their survival hinges on your decisions and how well you’ll cooperate.” He tightened his grip again, eliciting another whimper of pain from her.

“But I will never dispose of you,” he growled through gritted teeth, his tone a mixture of possessiveness and frustration. Gathering her courage, she managed to speak again, her voice trembling but filled with resolve.

“You cannot manipulate me like this. Do you think I’ll fall for this fucked up scheme? I have spent my entire life under the orders of others, forbidden from making choices for myself! And you have the audacity to use my innocence thinking I will willingly crawl into your bed and love you like a devoted lover.” Venom in her voice and the desperate tone made him fall for her even more.

“I’ve only recently met you, so spare me your attempts to deceive me that you’re being my saviour.” Y/N has enough fire to still conquer and fight him back. “I refuse to be a passive participant in this game.” She shall not take it lying down.

“I’m giving you a choice—” he asserted, his voice laced with a dangerous undertone “—either you’ll walk down the aisle to me or there will be bloodshed. I won’t send you back to your father nor will I relinquish you easily.” His eyes locked onto hers, and she could see the darkness consuming his pupils when anger consumed him.

“Call it love, obsession, or whatever you please, but no matter what imbecile attempts you make to fight or flee, we will inevitably end up together nonetheless,” he declared with conviction. Was this the fate God had laid out for her? Her faith wavered, and if he didn’t assist soon, she shall forbid him altogether.

“You just want to fuck m—” he cut her off abruptly, his voice low and seductive.

“I can either fuck you hard or I can make love to you,” said he, whilst setting her left arm free and sliding his to her thigh, caressing it sweetly.

Breathing started to become harder for Y/N. Unfamiliar sensations welled up in her lower belly whilst his touch was sending shivers through her body. Was this attraction? Excitement? Mother told her this is how love is supposed to feel. Butterflies in her stomach. But she certainly wasn’t in love with her captor.

He sensed her confusion and distress, leaving her to fall back to the chair. Finally letting her breathe freely. Yoongi sat back in his chair, collecting himself and the three-piece suit he wears today.

“Loss of words, innit?” He chuckled.

He was filled with pride, an overwhelming sense of it, knowing the impact he had on her. She dusted her thighs and straightened her dress.

“Remember, it’s your call. Either you’ll go willingly or with coercion,” her gaze piercing through him for change.

“I’m still waiting to hear back from your father, but before we proceed, I need to go over some rules I expect you to follow before and after we’re wed,” he said, picking up his cup of tea again.

“I know the rules. Just because I went to study doesn’t mean I wasn’t prepared to be the wife of any higher-profile mafia member,” she replied, and he chuckled.

“What’s so funny, care to share?” She asked her sass back.

“Not those kinds of rules. I know you’re prepared for that. But entertain me, baby. What do you think I’ll ask of you?” he said, grinning mischievously, his chin resting between his thumb and forefinger.

“You’ll hand me the household finances after, not like I already agreed, I see no ring yet —”

“—not interfere in business affairs, maintain a low profile to avoid unnecessary attention, and be nothing more than a pretty face, spread your legs and pop out heirs.” He listened to her, amused. She is vaccinated with these dynamics as her mother underwent the same and taught her to do so. However, to Yoongi’s unluckiness, she inherited her whim and flame too.

“You don’t need to manage the household; we have people for that. But if you wish to change anything in the budget, you of course can, sweetling,” he responded, surprising her with his contradictory words.

“I don’t want you to be just a pretty face because you have to. Your fire will be beneficial for me once in a while. If I ever tell you to sit still and look pretty, it would be a matter of life and death, a means to protect you, —”

“—See? I can be very good.” He said, sipping his cold tea, leaving it in his mouth to warm a little while he is thinking. He found great joy in evoking emotions from her.

“You can involve yourself in the business as much as you desire, but I doubt you’ll want to engage in those activities. For your safety, I would sleep better if you were always by my side once we’re engaged and married shortly after.” He stressed out the last word.

“Once we’ll be engaged and wed, your loyalty to your father will transfer to me, and me only” he emphasised his voice firm.

“I won’t force you to be intimate with me after the wedding night, although I’m sure you’ll come to desire it,” he said with a sickly grin, causing her stomach to churn. She needed a moment to process everything he told her by far.

“I saw how you reacted to me earlier. You will enjoy our time in the bedroom, surely.” He spoke as if it wasn’t taboo.

“I-” she stammered and hesitated. He stunned her. Broke down to her core, and he wanted to dig even further.

“I’m aware.” He replied to her unspoken utterance.

She leaned into her chair further, feeling so small suddenly, so inexperienced. Y/N remembers a boy with black hair and green eyes who she had a crush on. He kissed her one night under a cherry blossom tree in their garden. Her father got to know, and she never saw him since.

“All of this comes with one rule: obedience. You will obey as a good girl, and everyone will be happy,” he declared firmly.

“But disobedience won’t be tolerated,” he added, his tone unwavering.

“I want our marriage to be right, as it should be. I won’t force you to be intimate with me. I mean it,” he tried to assure her.

“—Apart from the wedding night, which speaking of, I still didn’t say, ’Yes, I will’.” He laughed and got up from his chair. Her choices and chances were limited. Even if she would manage to escape, he would go on a killing spree till he would get her back. Min Yoongi was very much interested and devoted to marrying this young female.

He knelt on one knee in front of her. A scenery one could perceive as a loving couple is ready to pursue a life journey together. She hadn’t expected him to propose before her father’s agreement, let alone in such a proper manner. Y/N knew better, she just wanted to tease him back.

This wasn’t how mafia members typically behaved, especially the Kkangpae, who never bowed or knelt to anyone. A sign of respect and reverence. Is she to be fooled again? Was he trying to earn her trust with this pretentious act or is he truly showing her respect? Countless questions stormed her mind, causing her inner turmoil. A thunder and lightning bolt within.

He pulled out a velvet little box from his inside pocket and slowly opened it before her shocked figure. The ring glistened in the light. She hates to admit it, but it was marvellous. The delicate band, crafted from shimmering gold, was embellished with intricate filigree that snaked its way around the band in a dance of beauty. Sapphire, shining atop the band surrounded by smaller diamonds, a starry night sky, each one a glimmering testament to the masterful skill of the jeweller. The ring must be older than she or him.

“Miss Wang—” said he, staring into her soul and making her look away from the ring. “—You would honour me if you shall decide to spend, thou life by my side. I promise to protect you and respect you if you have me.”

Confusion would be the correct term, as just moments ago, he held her in a punishing grip, issuing threats. She mustered the courage to ask him once more. “Why?”

He smiled at her so widely. This smile was different. “Please don’t give me any sweet bullshit or I swear—” he interrupted her.

“All you think is my reason — is my reason. I’m not going to lie to you. Just know…this is God’s will, and God presented you to me as a life companion. You can put your fear aside and stand up to me. You’re a challenge I’m determined to embrace, and God knows I’ll do my best to make you mine,” he explained, his tone serious and earnest.

Would God allow him to do anything to conquer her and this world? His words resonated deep within her soul, stirring something within her. Will Father punish her once he will arrive here if he is even coming here? He has to. She knows. If she will get engaged, he will have to come and give him his blessing.

Mother. She wanted to desperately hide in her mother’s arms. Is she ready to confine herself to someone else than her mother, sister, or aunt? Her poor aunt must be restless in her grave. She wanted only the best for her. A different life than the one of someone’s wife; at least that’s what she believed.

“So, what will it be? Shall I send my man to gear up or—” She didn’t let him finish. Y/N didn’t want anyone else to die or get hurt because she wanted her freedom so selfishly. She questioned her faith and wondered if this was truly the path that had been laid out for her.

Is this her path?

“I will.”

It must be.

He smiled brightly. He is one step closer to orchestrating in her heart. It’s her verdict whether it will be an easier or difficult and rocky path. He took the ring out of its box, reaching for her left hand. Sliding the ring on her finger.

Slowly, he raised her hand to his lips, gently placing a kiss on her skin. He didn’t break eye contact the whole time, which made her uneasy. Y/N didn’t expect the leader to close the distance between them and lean to her, still holding her hand. Her breath picked its pace, and her lips parted a little; she gasped when he was getting too close. Y/N felt so stiff and frozen. Almost brushing his lips with hers—

“Sajangnim—?” A voice echoed. Unwillingly and frustrated, he turned his head to the staff member of the household. Y/N turned her head in the opposite direction, her chest heaving rapidly as she struggled to catch her breath.

“What?!” he barked; his anger evident.

“Mr Wang is on the telephone.”

I N T E R L O G U E

“How long will she be out?” Asked the leader, pacing front and back in his office. It had only been a few minutes since the son of his late father’s captain of the front force had brought her back to their territory. She appeared serene as he carried her into his room and gently laid her on the bed. Although he had a maid ready to change her clothes, he couldn’t resist the urge to do it himself.

“Hopefully she’ll sleep most of the evening and night,” Chan-yeol replied.

“I see,” answered the leader, trying to mask his concern. He realised how much he yearned for her presence.

“Everything will work out right, Kkangpae?” Chan-yeol asked, seeking reassurance.

“Of course. How is your wife, Chan-yeol?” Yoongi replied confidently. He vividly recalls her disparagement of this plan, as if her opinion mattered to him. She had shown a protective instinct towards her, much like her mother had. It stirred conflicting emotions within him.

“She won’t be a problem, I promise.” His voice was laced with a hint of fear. It was only natural to be afraid of someone like Yoongi.

The plan was for her to reach Jeju Island, and stumbling upon the warehouse was a mere coincidence—a twist of fate that strengthened Yoongi’s belief in their union. The way she looked into his eyes made him breathless.

His heart burned for her even more than ever before.

to be continued

author’s note: yall I have to say I didn't expect that much of love for my baby. Thank you all beautiful creatures! Feels very surreal. Thank you for all the love, reblogs and comments. I love you, I see you. I hope you enjoyed the first and second chapter and will look forward to the next one ♥ Stay tuned for the preview of chapter III soonish ♥

Also I tried to add everyone who asked to the tag list, and if you want to be in too or you ain't tagged properly, comment or dm ♥

Shout out to Bex the queen @chaoticpuff17 for beta reading this chapter and shout out to all her bombastically good fics!! ♥ ily♥

Love you!!!!

Don't be a silent reader, comment, re-blog, heart, asks are more than welcome ♥

keep in mind - I'm not expert on chinese, korean and japanese culture, but I tried to research everything realistic I wanted to add to the story. Nonetheless, take it as a fiction.

let's be friends chummers ♥

lots of love,

𝖕𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖞𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖊

taglist: @chaoticpuff17 @honsoolgloss @jingerbreadoutofstock @moocow778 @janura26 @dinosolecito @yoongislatinagff @xyahrinx @ruhmoojeonjunkook-blog @hi12345567 @nochue @deltamoon666 @bbkissme99 @darkuni63 @nansasa @sazsazsaz @missmin @strxwbloody @royallyjjk @jaiuneamesolitaiire @shadowyjellyfishfest

©pennyellee. please do not repost

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peachesofteal · 8 months

Note

peach. PEACH. hear me out.

what if soap has an epiphany after simon drugs darling, that maybe this is too fucked up and that they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing (baby trapping darling and forcing her to be with them), but simon’s too deep into it?? and he convinces soap while darling is drugged and asleep in their bed?????

bro.

[breaking tables]

KERI, 🖤 I love you so much. You have such a big, beautiful brain. Takes place after this. Please be aware this fic discusses dark and twisty intentions and actions. Read at your own discretion.

18+ MDNI / baby trap au / dark and twisty themes / there is a fourth character here actually but don't mind me

"This... we cannae do this, Simon. We've gone too far." Soap rubs his knuckles across the apple of your cheek while you sleep, dead to the world in bed, sedated into silence after this afternoon.

He's kept his voice lowered all evening, but it's unnecessary, considering the dosage you received.

Simon shifts uncomfortably. He doesn't like this. Doesn't like any of this. Doesn't like what he's done, doesn't like what Johnny is saying to him. It all feels... like a nightmare. Like he's watching from the outside, like he's not actually here.

A dark voice, the voice, whispers in the back of his mind.

You did what you had to. You have to protect them.

He knows it's true. No one can protect you, or the baby, or even Johnny, the way he can. The way he was made to.

That's why you did it, because what if someone knew who she was to you? They would hurt her, hurt your baby. They could be watching you, or her, or Johnny, right now.

"Simon." Johnny hisses, and he tenses before relaxing, twisting his wrists to alleviate some pressure in his tendons.

This was wrong.

Don't be so fucking weak, Simon. The voice snarls in outrage, and his teeth grind so tight he can hear it in his brain.

He closes his eyes slowly, and when they reopen, the voice in the back of his head has gone silent.

It just becomes his thoughts.

"She won't be safe out there, Johnny. They won't be safe." He steps close, crowding his body to his Sergeant, feeling the way his chest rises and falls. "You know it."

"Ye crossed a line. We talked about this." He protests, but steps in sync when he's led to the living room, when the bedroom door is clicked firmly shut behind him.

The sight of Johnny's face, worried and stressed, makes his stomach churn with acid, but he swallows it down.

His thumb finds the pucker of Johnny's mouth instead, pushing inside, pushing the warm, wet slide of his tongue, a moan half bitten off in a huff.

"Sweet boy." He growls, and then he sees it, the recognition, the understanding in Johnny's face.

"Ghost." His Sergeant's eyes narrow. "I dinnae want ye, I want Simon."

"'s too bad. Someone's got to take care of this family, since he was keen to let her walk out the bloody door." His hands find the waistband of Johnny's sweatpants, reaching down to find his half hard cock already filling with need, with blood. "Think you do want me, Johnny."

There's a bit of protest, bashful irritation, but in the end, it doesn't matter. Johnny sings beneath him like an angel, like perfection, like always, while you drift in a blissful slumber.

#peaches asks #peaches writes #baby trap au #tw dark and twisty #tw dark themes #simon riley #john soap mactavish #ghoap x reader

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kaylasficrecs · 1 year

Text

peter parker recs

save me | imagine, flangst | @ptrbprkrs

just for tonight | one shot, fluff | @cloudybarnes

let me go | tasm, one shot, angst | @alloftheimaginesblog

just you and me | imagine, angst | @waitimcomingtoo

the first fall of snow | tasm, one shot, angst | @godlessandwrecked

rhythm | tasm, imagine, fluff | @irndad

sleepover nightmares | tasm, imagine, flangst | @spidey-stark

pinky promise | x oc, tasm, series | @blooming-violets

without you | tasm, imagine, flangst | (can’t tag this author)

skyline | series | @astronomyparkers

out of time | one shot, angst | @mgparker

stability, reciprocity and a romance… | one shot, fluff | @privateanxieties

lost the game | tasm, two shot, fluff, smut | @nexusnyx

keeping secrets | tasm, one shot, flangst | @luveline

find you | tasm, imagine, flangst | @luveline

ten percent | one shot, flangst | @starktonyx

perfectly a little late | one shot, fluff | @t-lostinworlds

rescue pending | tasm, one shot, flangst | @epiphany-of-a-madwoman

cuddles and pick up lines | imagine, fluff | @shitty-marvel-fan732

you are my home | imagine, fluff | @peterbenjiparker

patching peter up | imagine, fluff (bit of angst) | @ptergwen

of best friends and almost-perfect… | imagine, flangst | @peterplanet

glad you're home | tasm, series | @withahappyrefrain

what a wicked game to play | one shot, flangst | @nezuscribe

stop | two shot, angst (some fluff in part 2) | @biisexualemma

just out of reach | series | @hey-marlie

dom!peter | au, drabble, smut | @withahappyrefrain

yelling | imagine, flangst | @luveline

overworking yourself | tasm, drabble, fluff | @luveline

another love | au, tasm, series | @abibliophobiaa

ok to take a break sometimes | imagine, fluff | @ptergwen

talking to the moon | two shot, angst | @vendettaparker

negotiating | tasm, imagine, fluff | @literaila

water under the bridge | tasm, imagine, flangst | @blushstories

comfort while running away | tasm, imagine, flangst | @mareagirls

all my ghosts | tasm, one shot, flangst | @spideystevie

the morning sun | imagine, fluff (some angst) | @peterbenjiparker

stained | drabble, fluff | @forourmoons

one in the same | tasm, one shot, fluff | @finnwrld

pairing | tasm, imagine, fluff | @spider-stark

you love me, i love you | tasm, imagine, fluff | @nghtwngs

aurora | tasm, one shot, flangst | @mgparker

naps in the quinjet | imagine, fluff | @alisonwritesimagines

the life you build | tasm, one shot, fluff | @helloheyhihowdyheya

all of you | imagine, flangst | @jeanthebeans-blog

breathe | imagine, flangst (more fluff) | @starkissedtom

nurse!reader | headcanon, fluff | @backtothefanfiction

finding a sick spidey | one shot, fluff | @imagines--galore

joke about loving you? never. | drabble, flangst | @spider-pxrkers

we can't | imagine, flangst | @spider-pxrkers

#peter parker x reader #tasm!peter #masterlist #fic recs #mcu

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17magpiesinatrenchcoat · 5 months

Text

ALL THE SLAY THE PRINCESS ANALYSIS-ISH POSTS IVE FOUND ON HERE SO FAR

As someone who can never really grasp meanings in media beyond surface level, analyses like these are always lovely to read. Here are all the ones I’ve gathered during my short time in the fanbase so far, this is mainly for myself, but maybe it would be useful to someone else!! Also. If anyone knows of any more, please please send them to me!! I will add more as I go too.

I don’t think these all count as analyses, but they all made me go ��oooh :0” so yeah

https://www.tumblr.com/momentomori24/735278091386126336/i-just-had-an-epiphany-about-the-cold-that-i-never

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735000176332259328/the-pristine-blade

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/735270452740734976/id-like-to-point-out-that-in-the-wild-if-you

https://www.tumblr.com/dapperrokyuu/735178155760992257/alright-now-that-ive-seen-the-end-slay-the

https://www.tumblr.com/momentomori24/735068416032047104/something-i-really-love-about-the-smitten-is-how

https://www.tumblr.com/geebeeskoos/735078530884534272/the-nightmare-the-moment-of-clarity-might-be-the

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/734951196420358144/id-like-to-point-out-that-while-the-tower-and-the

https://www.tumblr.com/bpdwwx/734705488874422272/insane-over-slay-the-princess-imagine-death

https://www.tumblr.com/satellite-slickers/734633384872132608/slay-the-princess-is-really-cool-because-learning

https://www.tumblr.com/satellite-slickers/734573430353117184/i-just-realized-that-even-though-our-protagonist

https://www.tumblr.com/satellite-slickers/734558408577073153/i-like-how-the-twist-in-slay-the-princess-isnt

https://www.tumblr.com/golvio/734492024048369664/it-was-a-bit-of-whiplash-going-from-the-damsel-to

https://www.tumblr.com/three-lesbians-of-the-apocalypse/734467272705490944/theres-something-so-chilling-about-asking-the

https://www.tumblr.com/in-fair-verona-we-set-our-scene/734463751524319232/the-more-i-think-about-it-the-more-not-exactly

https://www.tumblr.com/honeyfizzly/734464645923045376/i-think-the-horror-of-deconstructed-damsel-comes

https://www.tumblr.com/colorful-noircuts/733183847545683968/rambling-about-something-i-realised-in-slay-the hello my lovely mutual!!

https://www.tumblr.com/k20spock/734344272686481408/i-feel-like-i-havent-seen-as-much-discussion-of

https://www.tumblr.com/nerdlordofnerds/734384189011607552/man-dont-you-hate-it-when-you-try-to-rid-the-world

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735338029994115072/oh-for-the-stp-questions-what-do-you-think-of

https://www.tumblr.com/honeyfizzly/735336172257198080/i-really-adore-the-witch-wild-route-because

https://www.tumblr.com/supervillainies/735028943239921664/ive-mentioned-it-before-but-voice-of-the-cold

https://www.tumblr.com/lots-of-little-pink-clouds/734249738756620288/follow-up-thought-tsm-says-when-you-meet-he-gave

https://www.tumblr.com/angelofthemornings/734527183265185792/one-thing-i-like-about-slay-the-princess-is-that?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/metanarrates/734373760026705920/if-you-choose-to-chain-yourself-next-to-the?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/satellite-slickers/734216961853095936/durring-slay-the-princess-our-leads-have-the-only?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/golvio/734035911415857152/tried-the-damsel-route-today-this-shot-and-the?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/733870455536173056/say-what-you-want-about-the-smitten-but-the-man?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/733801315338190848/the-way-the-skeptic-implicitly-trusts-the?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/733269659334426624/the-way-the-shifting-mound-ends-every-ending-by

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/733333027972907008/the-way-the-princess-has-no-name-but-at-the-same

https://www.tumblr.com/justsalpals/733475592170848256/the-spectre-really-had-no-idea-what-she-was-doing

https://www.tumblr.com/electronicdelusionstarlight/733630301609295872/the-way-you-can-only-kill-the-princess-with-the

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735453678374469632/also-what-do-you-think-of-the-adversary-i-like

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735448991864635392/oh-oh-another-question-what-do-you-think-is-up

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735538031989293056/oh-what-do-you-think-of-the-spectre-and-prisoner

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735509320346812416/what-do-you-think-of-nightmare-and-spectre

https://www.tumblr.com/minotaur-asterion/735506279592787968/might-be-a-weird-question-but-what-do-you-think this one isn’t an analysis at all but I thought it was funny

https://www.tumblr.com/birdmitosis/735586819735961601/this-honestly-really-fascinates-me-because-it

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735614693262196736/ohhhh-and-what-about-the-narrator

https://www.tumblr.com/elieclowngamer/735849806204960768/okay-but-like-spoilers-for-slay-the-princess

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735902648917721088/what-do-you-think-about-the-beast-in-stp

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/736242037895168000/what-do-you-think-about-the-fury-and-the

https://www.tumblr.com/k20spock/736789844699807744/birds-and-trees-in-slay-the-princess

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/735509712935829504/what-do-you-think-of-nightmare-and-spectre

https://www.tumblr.com/lipstickchainsaw/736243685245730816/what-do-you-think-about-the-fury-and-the

https://www.tumblr.com/fierce-little-miana/736431035990016000/strange-beginnings-ending

https://www.tumblr.com/chi-the-idiot/736610535159873536/ok-but-we-need-to-adress-how-slay-the-princess

#slay the princess #shut up lori #I’m gonna go hunting for more of these tomorrow #please send me any more you can find!!#on tumblr or anywhere #I must collect these like a crow collecting shiny things #this is the only way I can see all the cool ass deeper meanings in this game #as much as I love metaphors and shit #because of my autism I find it extremely hard to take things beyond surface level/literally #so being able to read stuff like this makes me appreciate art like this so much more #showing me all the depth I cannot see on my own

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lookwhatyoumademedohaha · 1 year

Text

And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

All my flowers grew back as thorns Windows boarded up after the storm He built a fire just to keep me warm All the drama queens taking swings All the jokers dressin' up as kings They fade to nothin' when I look at him

And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right I did one thing right I'm laughin' with my lover, makin' forts under covers Trust him like a brother, yeah, you know I did one thing right Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night

Summary: Nikolai Lantsov is sick and you take care of him and both of you have epiphanies as you let your guard down.

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, nightmares, mentions of traumatic childhood and sickness, references to It’s Okay Not to Be Okay TV Show.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that means the world to me! After a long wait, here is the long anticipated and awaited Chapter 3 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience! I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because it means a lot to me! I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

You had no reason to be here.

In fact, you should have been outside enjoying the nice sunshine, the lovely fragrance of flowers and cool wind. You could be anywhere at the moment. You could be training with Zoya, taking walks with Genya and David or just gossiping with Nina over your favorite sweets and hot tea.

But here you were in Nikolai Lantsov’s chambers as you gazed at him, his blonde hair messed and disheveled, beads of sweat running down his forehead as he muttered in feverish delirium.

Nikolai had been unwell for three days. The Healer who had been annoyed by your irritating disposition of questioning them in worry had stated that it was a fever with a cold and cough that would last a week but Nikolai would be fine. But that didn’t ease the anxiety and worry that coiled in your stomach every time you looked at Nikolai’s pale, sweaty and feverish face. He looked no better than he was the past days. Nikolai had met you in the morning three days ago looking rather unwell and when you suggested he should go rest, he had collapsed onto the ground unconscious. The feeling of dread and worry that you had felt in that moment still lingered with you.

You knew you should leave now. You had stayed long enough. You had been by Nikolai’s bedside for the past three days watching over him, looking after him, nursing him and holding his hand in his feverish delirium when he called out for you. You didn’t plan to stay with him but something about Nikolai lying so still and unmoving made you brave through your loathing for sickbeds as you dabbed cool towels on his forehead and fed him gently through his bleary consciousness where he was barely awake. You first had insisted on sitting there watching him but Nina had persuaded you to eat and sleep. When Nikolai was asleep, you would read to him, talk to him, help Zoya, Genya and David with state affairs and brighten up Nikolai’s room with flowers.

Now you were staring at Nikolai who was burning up with fever as you desperately dabbed a watery cold cloth on his forehead as you looked at him helplessly.

You didn’t know why you were crying. It was maybe because you hated sitting near sick people waiting for them to wake up. It was maybe because you missed Nikolai who was loud, joked around and smiled brightly and it scared you that he was lying on the dozens of pillows pale and sickly, weak and unconscious. You admonished yourself for being childish and silly as you wiped away your tears that you knew wouldn’t change anything. Crying didn’t bring what you lost.

You wiped away your tears as you looked at Nikolai earnestly and honestly and then lightly slapped him on his cheek “ Listen to me, you ridiculous boy. I don’t care if you get better or not... there are plenty of ridiculous, silly, idiotic kings who I can become friends with. But... I’m going to give you one more chance, Nikolai Lantsov.”

You squeezed his hand gently as you smiled softly at him and didn’t let go. As the moments passed by, the sleepiness overtook you and you drifted into sleep next to Nikolai, your book forgotten on your lap.

After an hour, Nikolai stirred through the darkness of his consciousness, feeling heavy headed and sore as everything ached within him. The light struck his sleepy and bleary eyes that fluttered open as his mouth felt like sandpaper and his body ached in exhaustion and pain. His head thrummed in pain as he shifted himself upwards feeling something soft and steady in his hand. Nikolai blinked as his eyes landed upon you lounged lazily on a chair next to his bed as your hair was a mop of messy tangled hair as your head lay on his bed next to his hand you were holding onto tightly.

Nikolai’s jaw dropped in surprise as he blinked and then once hoping that this wasn’t a dream as he stared complete surprise and wonder unfurling and blooming in his chest at the sight of you sleeping next to him, waiting for him to wake up. It looked uncomfortable to sleep like that and Nikolai wondered how many days, hours you had been there next to him. Nikolai had never expected anyone to be there next to his bed when he woke up. He had never had anyone waiting for him to wake up and inquire whether he was fine when he was sick. They only cared about the King’s good health not about how the boy was feeling.

Seeing your head lying down on his bed as you squeezed his hand gently and tightly made a lump of emotion grow in his throat, as his fingers quietly traced little patterns on your skin. Nikolai’s lips twitched into a small smile as he stared at your peaceful expression, relaxed stance as you slept deeply and he knew this was something he wanted forever.

At that very moment, the door opened as Nina walked in startling Nikolai from the blissful and intimate moment he was enjoying as she observed in gladness that he was awake “Saints! Thank the Saints, you are alive and awake! Y/N was driving everyone crazy around here!”

Nikolai’s throat was parched as Nina handed over a glass of water to him and he didn’t miss the teasing smirk she threw at him as she looked at his hand intertwined in yours as you slept next to him “Nina Zenik... how long was I out?”

“Three days. You were having a raging fever with a really bad cough and cold.” said Nina honestly as she handed over another glass of water to a thankful Nikolai who drank it greedily and Nina smirked as she nodded toward you “Well, well... you two seem to be very cozy with each other.”

Nikolai nearly choked on his water as he started coughing “I - this - nothing happened between us! I woke up like this and she was just holding my hand!”

“Uh huh? So why are you still holding onto her hand?” asked Nina with a teasing grin while Nikolai glared at Nina, his head hurting really badly and Nina laughed knowingly “Don’t wake her up. She has had no proper sleep staying next to you all the time these three days.”

“What?” queried Nikolai stunned and shocked at the revelation of you staying by his bedside every moment of the three days where he tossed and turned in sickness and restlessness. Nikolai felt something odd and wonderful bloom in his chest as he wondered why you would do that for him. “Y/N... she was here with me all this time?”

“Oh yeah. Such a stubborn ass, wouldn’t leave you alone. She insisted on nursing you and looking after you. She nearly strangled and had a shouting match with the Healer because you weren’t getting better.” said Nina honestly and sincerely, her lips twitching into a small smirk at remembering how today morning Zoya, Genya and her had to calm down a fight between you and a Healer who had argued about the best course of medicine to be taken. “I’ve never seen her so worried about anyone.”

Nikolai’s eyes glinted in amusement and surprise as he looked at you softly amazed at how protective and worried you had been over him. There you were resting deeply, your head wandering in peaceful and sweet dreams where your worries and nightmares were washed away.

“I didn’t know.” whispered Nikolai in amazement wanting to run his fingers through your hair. “I suppose it’s natural for her to be worried about her friends.”

“No. Y/N hates sickbeds. Loathes it with her life. She hates getting sick and sick people. She doesn’t really stay by anyone’s side when they are sick because...” said Nina quietly and softly with a protective gleam in her eyes and cut off her sentence, stopping herself from revealing anything important “This is the first time she’s stayed by a sickbed... so you must be someone very important to her.”

Nikolai looked over at you. You hated sickbeds so much and yet you had stayed firmly by his side, refusing to leave him. He wondered why you hated sickbeds and what changed your mind about staying next to him. Why were you beside him when you could leave and spare yourself the horror?

Nikolai was greeted by Zoya and Genya and the Healer who was sent for. Nikolai noted that the Healer sent a look of relief at the fact that you were sleeping as he was examined by the Healer. As the Healer finished examining him and spoke about his quick recovery if he adhered to bed rest and drinking his medicine, you stirred awake from your deep slumber as your eyes fluttered open and you groaned as you hoisted yourself up to meet his hazel eyes. Nikolai saw your eyes widen in pleasant surprise and grateful relief as they darted across his face and swore your hand tightened on his with gladness. Nikolai saw you take in your surroundings as you blushed when you saw Zoya, Genya and Nina grin and waggle their eyebrows in teasing.

But your demeanor grew stiff when you saw the Healer who prescribed tonics and rattled out cures that frankly you didn’t believe as you questioned the Healer skeptically making Nikolai hide an amused grin and the Healer breathe out in exasperation “Out of the both of us, I believe I have studied the intricate art of human anatomy thoroughly. Therefore, I don’t think I need your suggestions.”

You glared at the Healer as you pursed your lips while Zoya, Genya and Nina quickly ushered the Healer who threw you a dirty glance out of the room while you carefully inspected one of the tonics given for a coughing fit.

“You shouldn’t have been that hard on her. After all, she knows what she is doing.” said Nikolai quietly in amusement as he stared at you inspecting his medicine skeptically.

“I studied medicine at the University of Ketterdam and apprenticed with one of the finest medik for a few months.” you said pleasantly as you rolled your eyes at Nikolai “I think I know far more than I let people know.”

“What? When? How?” spluttered Nikolai in bemusement and surprise at the very shocking revelation because he couldn’t imagine you dilligently studying medicine at the University of Ketterdam.

“For a mission to retrieve information.” you replied shortly and then kept the medicine away as you looked at Nikolai who had, had better days “So... you’re not dead.”

“Sorry to disappoint. It didn’t suit me.” replied Nikolai playfully with a grin as you smiled softly “Were you crying over me, Y/N? Tears of sorrow?”

You glared at him fiercely as he laughed “Tears of joy. I hate finding new Kings to befriend.”

“Ah. Why did you stay with me here while I was sick?” queried Nikolai curiously with a small smile but his heart wanted to know the truth as to why you cared so much. “You could have entertained yourself with the delights of the palace.”

“I didn’t want you to feel alone when you woke up.” you said softly and quietly, your face gleaming in thoughtful contemplation as your eyes glinted in understanding and companionship that took Nikolai’s breath away “I know a little of how that feels like and I never want anyone to feel that way.”

“Well, I’m sick and tired so if you want... you can tell me how you know the feeling of being alone.” proposed Nikolai softly as he looked at you intensely, his breath catching in wonder and affection.

You were silent for a long moment as your eyes strayed into a land where Nikolai could not follow as your face grew deadly quiet and reminiscent as you finally spoke “My mother, brother and I came to Ketterdam when I was little. I barely remember my village. Ketterdam became my home the moment we stepped foot there. We were hungry, poor and alone in the land of the wicked.”

“My mother did odd jobs. I remember her always complaining about how she should have had no children, then there would be no mouths to feed. My brother...” you trailed softly in quiet remembrance as pain and grief seeped in your eyes as a flicker of a tiny smile appeared on your face while Nikolai listened in rapt attention “My brother... was big on dreaming. He wasn’t like my ma... he was very positive. He would always be tired after his day but he never went without teaching me every day and dropping me off at the library, encouraging me to read and talk with him. He’d have these crazy ideas on how to change the world... how we both could do it. He had a dream that he’d save up enough money one day so I could attend university and ‘become a lady’, he called it.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of your big brother that he thought he would like to meet as he replied quietly “I like him. He sounds like a lad full of hope. I’d bet we’d get along famously if we ever met.”

Your eyes flickered with grief but you smiled at the thought of these two boys meeting but your smile was brief. Nikolai watched your face harden with steel and grief as your eyes were full of tidal waves of fury and suffering as you gripped the arm rests of your chair so tightly that your knuckles grew completely white.

Nikolai felt concerned at the sudden change as he leaned toward you because he had never seen your kind and good - humored demeanor suddenly and quickly change into one of vengeance and fury fueled with grief and broken trust.

“You can meet him. If you plan on dying.” you retorted quietly but there was a cutting edge to your voice that took Nikolai’s breath away as the overwhelming realization of the truth of where your brother was hit him hard.

Nikolai’s eyes widened with concern and understanding “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity.” you replied harshly as you looked away from Nikolai “People die all the time. It’s what defines life. Nothing lasts forever.”

Nikolai didn’t understand how to comfort you because what could he say that would fill the hole the loss of a loving brother left in your heart? He wanted to say so many things to you. He wanted to hold you in his arms and never let you go. He wanted you to know that he understood the grief of losing a brother too. Nikolai wanted to take away all the grief and sadness that spoiled your life and grant you nothing but happiness and love all your life.

“When the firepox plague hit Ketterdam, my brother and I got hit with it. My brother wasn’t struck down badly as I was... I was dying. My mama told us we’ll be fine, that finally she had found a medik who would treat both of us... treat me and give both of us the medicine. We believed her... we thought we’d soon get better together.” you said quietly and reminiscently as you remembered the coughing fits and burning fever that made you delirious as you held onto your brother who stroked your hair gently and told you stories and sang you gentle lullabies giving you hope.

“The firepox made me delirious and weak... weaker than my brother. The last thing I remember about my Y/B/N is seeing my mother hand a few kruge to the medik with a lily tattoo who gave her more kruge and dragged away my struggling brother. My spinning feverish head thought he’d come back all cured.” you said with a dark gleam in your tearful eyes as you fiddled with a purple ribbon that you had tied around your finger, your heart feeling bitter and broken as you had realized the truth far too late. “I tried to call out his name but I couldn’t speak and before I could do anything... my mother laughed and knocked me unconscious.”

“When I woke up... I was on the street all alone. I was meant to die but somehow I survived.” you whispered softly as you looked at Nikolai whose expression was one of horror and shock as he stared at you wide eyed in amazement and pain as you felt incredible grief and agony within you “Alone in Ketterdam... I learnt to fend for myself. After I really realized what happened to my brother, all I did was try to find my brother.”

There was only one thought that echoed in your head after you woke up, in every moment of your waking hours and dreams after you survived and motivated you to keep going.

“I need to find Y/B/N. I need to find him. I need to make sure he’s okay. No matter how far away you are, where they have taken you, I’m coming for you and I will never stop until you are safe!”

“I did everything. I tugged on every string and listened for every whisper and waited patiently and sharpened my skills because I knew he was alive. I felt it in my heart.” you said honestly and quietly with thoughtfulness and reminiscence in your eyes that met Nikolai’s curious and shocked hazel eyes that gleamed with empathy for you as you remembered how you had met the Devil himself “I tugged on one of the strings Kaz was working on and he helped me with his contacts and finding information on slavers and indentures.”

“I finally found Y/B/N. He was alive. And I knew I wouldn’t rest until he was safe. The plan was we free those captured along with my brother. I remember I managed to free him with the help of the Crows but the slavers wouldn’t let him escape easily. One of the men tried to shoot me but my stupid brother... took the shot meant for me! He was so brave until the end... and I hate him for that.” you spat out in anger and pain as your eyes were filled with tears that trickled down your cheeks, the bottled suffering and grief suddenly uncorked and broken as you remembered how you had let out an inhumane howl as your brother caressed your cheek and asked you to smile for him one last time as he tried to tell you everything you didn’t get to tell him.

You remembered his last moments clearly as if it was yesterday.

“You listen to me. You’re going to be alone now. You’re going to be furious, angry and sad. Whatever happens next, wherever you go... always be kind and brave.” breathed Y/B/N harshly as you tried to stop the blood from flowing out while the rest of your friends looked upon you respectfully with sadness as you shook your head in denial and pain and your brother held your hand tightly as he could while Nina was trying her best to save him “Please... this is an order. Don’t you dare turn into a monster... don’t insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die... and no one will get hurt.”

Kaz had looked at you intently as you gazed upon your brother in stunned disbelief and denial, your hands warm with his blood as you cried “What about me?”

“Let’s both be brave.” he whispered softly as he pressed a soft kiss onto your hand, his eyes fluttering as the light began to fade.

“No! No! Stay with me! Stay with me! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this!” you screamed and shrieked as tears fell down your cheeks in big fat drops, heartbreak and disbelief written all over your face as you tried to stop Death from taking your brother.

“Smile for me... one last time... my brave princess...” whispered your brother with a brave and reassuring smile of his own as he tried to wipe away your tears while you couldn’t understand why he wasn’t fighting to live as you managed to smile a little for him and his face grew content and happy as he drew his last breath “Don’t worry... in your dreams, I’ll still be there.”

“Please don’t leave me! Please, I won’t leave you! Stay with me!” you sobbed in piercing agony and suffering because you had never felt this type of pain in your life, the pain that tore you open and made you bleed until there was nothing left as you buried your head into your brother but suddenly there were more gun shots, Jesper trying to drag you away from your brother but you were being stubborn until you heard a rough salt stone voice apologize quietly as he dragged you screaming away from your dead brother’s corpse.

“Y/N!” exclaimed Nikolai’s concerned voice interrupted the flashback as you came back to reality startled and alarmed. “Y/N!”

“I’m fine. I just remembered.” you answered quietly with a sad smile that made Nikolai’s heart ache with hurt and pain at the sadness that tugged at your eyes. “Do you want to know how the story ends? What I did to those who killed my brother?”

Nikolai took a sharp intake of breath as he felt his heart pound loudly in his chest as he stared in quiet shock and understanding at you, the darkness within you that had been unleashed freely in front of him as it taunted him. Your darkness and mercilessness that you had displayed with vengeance and cruelty came to light in front of him and seemed to laugh at him, challenging him to truly see you for who you were and asked him whether he could truly love a girl with blood on your hands. Nikolai looked into your eyes dark with mercilessness and vengeance and saw that whatever you did to those who had taken your brother from you, they had suffered until their last breath more than they could handle.

You challenged him to leave you. You were hoping that he would be afraid of you and run away.

Well tough luck because Nikolai was here to stay.

“I don’t care what you did to them.” replied Nikolai with surety and certainty that surprised you. “I care about how you feel.”

“You won’t hate me if I told you I tried my best to obey my brother, to not insult his memory with bloodshed but I failed because my spite and anger got the best of me? That I couldn’t rest until I had ripped out their heart as they did mine? That before they died, I taunted them with their worst fears and demons? That when they died, their last thought was nothing but fear and shame, screaming for me to have mercy on their loved ones? That I skinned them and hung their heads in the Fifth Harbor as a warning to all slavers?” you questioned, sitting in your hurt and pain as you remembered how you had been vicious and cruel in your quest for vengeance, your spite and hatred clouding your heart as you unforgivingly snatched away the lives of those men.

There was utter and complete silence between them as you looked into Nikolai’s hazel eyes flickering with soft understanding and quiet empathy as he stared back at you as if he was seen you for the first time and finally he spoke, his voice barely a whisper as he extended his hand to you “I can only assure you that I hope they knew the meaning of pain and regretted snatching your brother’s life in their last moments.”

Your eyes widened in shock because you didn’t expect Nikolai to understand you and agree with you. You had expected him to gasp in shock and push you away in loathing and hatred. You had expected him to see the truth of your darkness and the devil you saw in the mirror and feel nothing but anger and loathing toward your twisted and crooked ways and choices. You hadn’t expected him to understand your bitter past and all the times you couldn’t be good and sweet in this world.

You looked at Nikolai who extended his hand toward you in welcome as you reluctantly placed your shaking hand in his as his fingers wrapped around your hand reassuringly and tightly, a promise to stand by you through your darkest times glinting in his hazel eyes.

“The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you ever had, I’ll stand by you through it all.” whispered Nikolai sincerely and softly, with staggering honesty and affection in his hazel eyes that took your breath away.

You couldn’t breath for a moment as you met his unwavering gaze and spoke hoarsely in disbelief “And why would you do that?”

“Because...” began Nikolai, the three words dancing on the tip of his tongue in certainty ready to spill out but he felt scared at confessing those sacred words that could change everything “Because you’re my friend and I won’t leave you.”

Nikolai saw your eyes flicker in surprise and warmth at his confession as you looked at him in quiet gratitude and wonder as you held onto his hand, a small smile appearing on your face as you were lost for words and he squeezed your hand “Did you love your brother?”

Nikolai saw your brow furrow with pain and grief as you glared fiercely at him in response and he looked at you gently “Then stop blaming yourself and hating him for what he did. He died for who he loved the most in this world and believed that your life was worth living.”

You felt a lump of emotion swell up in your throat as tears pricked your eyes and you looked away because this grief was a tidal wave that you thought you could survive but a part of you felt empty and useless as you croaked out “It just feels - it doesn’t feel fair. He had a life ahead of him. I could have... I could have saved him but I just froze.”

“This - it’s just - it feels as if a part of me died with him that night. Whatever I do, he won’t be there.” you said as a tear rolled down your cheek as you felt the grief that had persevered in the form of love for your brother “It’s been years and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. I loved him so much!”

Nikolai understood the pain and grief of losing someone he loved deeply. He truly understood the pain and suffering that overwhelmed him at the remembrance of seeing the light fade away in the eyes of his best friend and brother, Dominik as bullets flew overheard them and explosions were the sound of his heart breaking. He felt tears prick his eyes as he remembered how Dominik had taken the bullet for him willingly with such courage and fervor, with the belief that Nikolai would be the one to make Ravka right again.

“I know.” said Nikolai sincerely as he shifted toward you, both of his hands reaching out to cup your hand in his as he pressed a gentle kiss on your knuckles as you cried “I understand. But I have a feeling nothing was going to stop him from saving you.”

You sniffled as you felt that Nikolai wasn’t talking about just your brother, he was speaking from a deeper, tragic experience from his past that was full of grief and suffering for him after losing someone he loved as well as you buried your face in his hands, your lips gently brushing a kiss on his knuckles as you squeezed his hand comfortingly as you realized this was the second time you had let yourself truly break down.

The first time you had broken down was with Kaz. After your brother died, you had lost sight of all meaning and purpose of life as you silently screamed and drowned in the abyss of pain and grief. You had lost appetite, the light in your eyes had extinguished, tears and regret were your constant companion as you locked yourself in your room. Your friends had tried to help you but they didn’t understand you as you pushed them away.

But you hadn’t expected Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the heartless bastard to sit outside your room and keep you company as you cried your heart out, bring you food and sustenance that he forcefully fed you, sit in quiet silence with you, stand in the rain waiting for you as you sat by your brother’s grave on the day of his funeral not moving for a long time as you tried to comprehend reality and quietly confide little pieces of his past about Jordie as he made your grief, anger, vengeance and pain understood and seen. His gestures had been quiet but it had meant the world to you. Perhaps that was when you had started to fall for Kaz Brekker without even knowing.

You took a deep breath as you wiped away your tears with the sleeve of your black shirt. You suddenly realized that it wasn’t your shirt. It was Kaz’ shirt, one of the many you had stolen from him and he had let you borrow it with that little smile of his as he reassured you that you looked better in it with that sly twinkle in his dark eyes. You had always felt safe and cozy in his shirt as you felt a sudden sense of quiet pain and soft affection bloom in your heart for the Bastard of the Barrel who had found a way to be with you through all these miles. It smelled like him, cuttingly comforting and honest as the fragrance of sharp mint and clean soap seeped into your senses making you feel dizzy.

“Y/N?” asked Nikolai with furrowed eyebrows as he looked at you who looked lost in your thoughts “Kruge for your thoughts? Does my presence bore you so much that you are lost in thoughts of a certain enigmatic Bastard of the Barrel who broke your heart?”

“What? No!” you exclaimed shaking your head in denial and surprise at how well Nikolai could read you as a faint color seeped into your cheeks. “I wasn’t thinking of him!”

Nikolai’s heart cracked in hurt and pain as he coughed but shook his head slightly as he smiled sadly “You have an expression when you think of him. It’s wistful and sad with a touch of fond happiness. Your eyes... they do this thing when you think of him where you are smiling and happy but your eyes are big and sad. It’s like you’re feeling two emotions at once.”

You were surprised at how sharply Nikolai had observed you and understood you as you were silent for a few moments and you finally found your tongue “I - I - I just got lost in my thoughts. That’s all.”

“Do you miss him?” asked Nikolai, feeling a sharp pain in his heart as he thought of your head full of thoughts only of Kaz Brekker.

There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai so intensely with quiet contemplation as you tugged on the sleeve of your shirt and whispered “Sometimes.”

Nikolai felt a spark of hope light up in his heart as he felt your gaze burn him intensely and passionately as he realized that you were beginning to perhaps take tiny steps to move away from Kaz without you knowing it. He felt breathless as he felt your quiet burning gaze on him, making him feel warm and tethered, dizzy and happy. There was something in the way you looked at him now that had changed. Your eyes smiled softly and fondly with sparks of affection when you looked at him and Nikolai felt his head spin not entirely from the fever at the thought of you loving him back.

Nikolai was tongue tied and speechless as he looked away trying to squash the traitorous hope in him that had blossomed since the last night they had spent together at the ball and now was lit afire at the way you were looking at him, looking so beautiful as you sat by his bedside when you could have been doing anything in the world.

“Are you thinking or have you finally found a way to be silent as a grave?” you remarked sassily as you looked fondly with a teasing smile observing Nikolai who had fallen into a thoughtful and confused contemplation.

Nikolai smiled softly “No... just thinking.”

“Don’t think too much, it might hurt that pretty head of yours.” you snarked with a fond and teasing smile as you observed Nikolai who looked exhausted and sick as his eyes fluttered shut for a moment “What are you thinking about?”

“It’s nothing.” said Nikolai tiredly as he lay back on the pillows, his head aching profusely and stubbornly as he closed his eyes and you didn’t press and prod further.

You reached for the medicine that lay on the cabinet as you realized that Nikolai needed to drink his medicine and took them into your hands when Nikolai opened his eyes “What are you doing, my love?”

You ignored the fluttering in your stomach at the little endearment Nikolai used to address you as you poured the medicine in the indicated dosages “You need to drink your medicine, Nikolai to get - SAINTS, NIKOLAI, DON’T TRY TO RUN!”

Nikolai’s eyes widened with horror at those words as he tried to get up, his body aching with pain as he tried to run away but he got tangled up in the dozens of pillows and blankets as he cursed ignoring your shouting, and when he finally managed to stand up, he felt you hold him from behind preventing him from leaving the bed.

Nikolai struggled and screamed, kicking his legs like a little child while you snapped “Come on, be a good boy and take your medicine to get well - OUCH, YOU WRETECHED TERROR, DID YOU FUCKING BITE ME?”

Nikolai grinned widely as he tried to slip away from your grasp feeling slightly bad for you but he was not going to take his medicine as he heard you admonish him “Nikolai, I swear, I’m sick of you! Come here now before I make you!”

“OH YEAH? TRY ME!” challenged Nikolai as he managed to stand up and wobble with the bloody blankets wrapped around him.

You were not going to tolerate Nikolai biting you and challenging your authority as the responsible caregiver in this situation as you took off your earrings “Oh no, oh hell no! You see, I’ve been treating you with respect like a King but I forgot what you really are... a whining brat waiting to be punished!”

Nikolai was stunned for a moment as he felt his soul leave his body at your words and the furious and commanding glint in your dark eyes as you cornered him and leapt upon him making him scream, your legs wrapping around his waist tightly as you pushed him back onto the bed with no hesitation and mercy as he fell back to the bed, tangled up with the blankets and you on top of him.

You were on top of him, your legs wrapped around him as you held him down by the shoulders, your face just inches away from his. Nikolai was going to die. This was how Nikolai died. Not bravely in battle. Not saving anyone’s life. Not peacefully in a deathbed. No, Nikolai knew he was going to die because you were now holding him down with a wicked grin that was going to be the death of him because he was having multiple heart attacks at the fact the girl of his dreams who he loved with all his heart was on top of him with a deliciously wicked smirk, your eyes glinting in amusement.

“I told you not to test me, you wretched brat!” you exclaimed in exasperation as you slapped Nikolai twice on the cheek making him groan in submissive enjoyment and slight pain.

Nikolai was sick but he had to admit this was a pleasant outcome of having fever and cold as he smirked “Saints, I’m loving the view. Care to slap me again?”

“I am not going to give you the satisfaction.” you replied, your cheeks coloring a rosy pink much to Nikolai’s delight as you took the medicine and he wriggled underneath you trying to escape but you had a hold on him “Nikolai, don’t make this harder than it already is! If you don’t drink the medicine -”

“What are you going to do? Spank me?” challenged Nikolai with a teasing twinkle in his eyes as he grinned at your flustered blushing expression but his thoughts were now in a place of pleasure and delight with you and him, nothing but kisses on your skin and hearing you scream out his name.

You spluttered but schooled your expression into a stern and honest one as you replied coolly “No. If you don’t take the medicine and behave yourself... I’m going to leave Ravka tonight and never come back again.”

Nikolai froze underneath you in shock because he didn’t believe you, only thinking that this was just a trick to get him to drink his medicine “You’re lying.”

You slipped away from Nikolai easily and he winced at the loss of contact with you as he itched to reach out and wrap his arms around you to keep you close to him and you replied completely seriously “Make smart choices if you don’t want to find out the truth.”

Nikolai flinched as he looked at you because he didn’t want to believe that you’d leave him in this state. He didn’t want to believe that you would leave him and never come back for him. But the truth was, why would you stay? There was nothing tying you down to Ravka and he was just a friend to you, a companion who you were friendly with during your holiday. Ketterdam was where your heart was.

Nikolai suddenly felt that he didn’t want to find out the truth and thought the bitter medicine was a better option than have you leave his side as he snatched the medicine from your hands “You win, you impossible girl.”

Nikolai saw a small smile appear on your face and he felt warmth bloom in his chest at making you smile and thought he’d always let you win to see you smile as you gave him his medicine “See, that’s better. Here drink these. You’ll feel better.”

Nikolai pouted as he took the first dose of medicine and promptly started coughing at how bitter it was as he felt you pat his back sympathetically and he exclaimed “THIS TASTES LIKE ROTTEN EGGS AND DEATH!”

“Is there such a taste?” you queried curiously as you hid your amused laughter and you were shot a glare by Nikolai “You have to drink the other two as well, Nikolai.”

“I rather die.” said Nikolai dramatically as he crossed his arms with the privileged air of a spoiled king.

“If you drink the medicine, I’ll kiss you when you’re better.” you said casually as Nikolai started coughing in shock at your words.

“Don’t tease me.” retorted Nikolai looking at you in disbelief and surprise, as his jaw dropped in amazement because he couldn’t handle the thought of you kissing him properly.

“I’m not! I swear on my honor!”

“You don’t have much of that. You’re from Ketterdam.”

“Alright, fine. I’ll leave, you stubborn ass!” you exclaimed as you put your hands up in the air in surrender, pretending to walk out and leave when Nikolai immediately surrendered to you.

“No, no! I’ll be good! Please don’t leave me!” exclaimed Nikolai immediately not wanting you to leave him alone as he quickly drank the medicine you had given him.

You were surprised at his earnestness and sincerity in wanting you to stay as he finished drinking the medicine with a disgusted expression and groaned “The things I do for you, my dearest Y/N.”

Nikolai felt drowsy as the medicine sank in and his eyes fluttered with exhaustion and he sank into the cozy pillows as he suddenly felt the exhaustion catch up with him. He felt sticky, dirty and sweaty, the fever making him feel absolutely unclean. He wanted a bath but it was just so hard to move. As if you had read his mind, Nikolai can hear you ordering for a warm bath for him. Nikolai wants to call out your name, reassure that he doesn’t need you to do everything for him but the fatigue overwhelms him as he tries to stay awake.

And besides, Nikolai feels that it would be nice... just for once to have someone take care of him. Even though that thought deeply offends him because he hates feeling so weak, so dependent on someone.

“Nikolai.” he hears his name called out gently and sweetly by you as he jolts awake from the place of sleep he had almost fallen to.

He sees you gently looking at him in concern “Nikolai, the bath is ready.”

Nikolai stands up on his own. He is sick but he isn’t weak. He can do this on his own without help as he takes a few steps, his vision slightly blurring and he realizes that it’s taking more energy than usual to walk. His legs tremble but he is determined that he won’t fall. He is grateful that you are not fussing and coddling over him. He doesn’t need help.

He almost makes it to the bath when his trembling knees and buckle and give away. You catch him before he falls down and Nikolai hates the feeling of being so helpless and wants to just push you away and reassure you that he can do this on his own.

“I can do this -” began Nikolai in wavering determination as he looked at you in exhaustion but you interrupt softly.

“I know you can.”

But you don’t let go of Nikolai as you guide him to the bath gently and steadily, your hands holding him gently enough to reassure him that you were there for him but also showing him that he could break away from you any moment he liked. Nikolai sees the golden gilded bathtub with steaming warm water and feels you let go of him as you help him sit down on a stool and then turns around. Nikolai thinks you will leave and as much as he wants it, he feels weak.

But you stay, your back turned toward him as you remain silent while Nikolai takes off his sweat soaked clothes. He wants to ask why you are staying with him but a part of him is just too exhausted and grateful that you are present with him. Nikolai looks over at you in curiosity mingled with teasing amusement and quiet thoughtfulness as he wonders what your reaction would be to his naked body. Women around him swooned and never hid their desires when he was fully clothed. He wanted to know what the one he desired was feeling at this very moment. Did you desire him too? But you didn’t seem moved at all by the fact that Nikolai, the King of Ravka was undressing behind you. Nikolai was not shy about his body and for some strange reason, he felt safe with you and trusted you not to be lewd in this situation.

Nikolai dips himself into the bathtub, the warm water kissing his aching muscles and calming his mind. He reaches for the sponge only to drop it along with a few bath salts. He groans wanting to stand up and reach for the sponge but he just couldn’t bring himself to move.

You hear the clattering and turn around to see Nikolai weakly looking at the fallen sponge and the bath salts. Your eyes meet his vulnerable hazel eyes and you suddenly feel heat creep up your neck at this unusual situation. You knew Nikolai could handle himself but he just looked so small and vulnerable, weak and exhausted by the sickness. You avert your eyes from his well chiseled and handsome body as you dispose of his filthy clothes and pick up the bath salts arranging them in order and pick up the sponge under Nikolai’s curious gaze.

Nikolai feels his heart beating loudly as he feels small and vulnerable, naked with the woman who he is head over heels in love with as he sees you avert your eyes respectfully. He expects something, a reaction but you just busy yourself with arranging bath salts.

Well, this was the first in all his encounters in his wild youth. He had certainly never had a woman avert her eyes away from his body in such a compromising situation and you surprised him with your innocent reaction.

Nikolai sees you look at his face, your eyes never shifting downwards and feels something odd and quiet bloom in his chest as he slips down into the tub relishing the warmth of the water and comes up. He looks away from you expecting you to hand the sponge and leave with some sarcastic remark or flirtatious remark but you stop by the bath instead. Nikolai can feel your gentle presence waiting for him and lifts his eyes to meet your quiet eyes that holds the sponge that is easily within his reach.

But your eyes speak what silently echoes among both of you as you seek permission from Nikolai.

“Can I take care of you?”

Nikolai wants to take the sponge and do this himself to prove that he isn’t helpless. But there’s something gentle and tender in your eyes that stops him. And Nikolai is really exhausted. He wasn’t just exhausted by the sickness, he was exhausted with running Ravka, dealing with ignorant ministers who were blind to the needs of people, exhausted of compromising and smiling, exhausted of being different versions of himself that the people needed and wanted him to be. It would be nice to have someone take care of him for once in his life.

Especially if that someone was you.

Nikolai meets your eyes and gives the tiniest of nods daring you to have the bravery to stay and you nod at him as you sit next to the bathtub.

You slow your pace of breathing and steady yourself as you dip the sponge in water before lathering some soap in it and waits for Nikolai to initiate contact. Nikolai raises his arm out of the water and you take it gently and tentatively, bringing it closer to you as you slowly and gently begin to wipe the sponge under the space between his fingers, the top of his knuckles, the skin of his hand and palm. You notice that Nikolai isn’t moving or wincing at your contact and you continue to do so gently.

Meanwhile Nikolai was having a heart attack. He was certain he was having a heart attack because his heart had never raced this fast before. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, his feelings of shock, surprise, amazement and wonder were clouding his screaming mind as he stared at your thoughtful concentrated face in breathless awe wondering for a moment whether he was having a fever dream. He couldn’t believe that the woman who he was in love with was gently and tenderly taking care of him in his most vulnerable moments as you cleaned him in the bath. Nikolai stared at you work skillfully and gently as you wiped away dirt and sweat with the soapy water as you began to clean the other side of his hand. Nikolai’s senses are assaulted with the gentle fragrance of lavender as you rinse and lather more soap. The scent is gentle and sweet, and calms his mind. He breathes it in greedily and wonders whether you did this with anyone of your past lovers.

Suddenly he felt small and insignificant and didn’t want to think of you doing this with anyone else as he looked at you gently holding his wrist, your fingers resting on his pulse as the words burst out of his mouth “Do you do this for all of the boys you take care of?”

“No. I’ve never taken care of anyone like this before.” you replied softly and tenderly as you rinsed his arm.

Nikolai’s jaw drops in shock and amazement because the realization that this was the first time you had done this for anyone hits him like a load of bricks. Suddenly all of this carries more weight of meaning and sweetness as he realizes that it has been a long time since anyone had cared enough to take care of him.

You finish his left arm and move to begin on his right arm. You begin the same ritual over again and Nikolai realizes how soft and delicate your fingers were on his skin. Nikolai observes you lather and rinse his palm gently and feels breathless. He doesn’t understand why you are doing this. You were thoughtful and kind but also sarcastic and guarded so Nikolai was having a hard time comprehending why you were being so gentle and loving with him.

Perhaps it was pity. You were full of pity for a boy king who was sick and couldn’t barely soap himself and take care of himself. He felt hurt and gutted at the thought of you offering to take care of him out of pity and sympathy. It felt cruel and painful.

Nikolai looked at you, your lashes fanning your eyes that were full of concentration and gentleness as something darkly insecure lashed out within him as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself “Why are you doing this?”

You didn’t stop the gentle strokes of the sponge but your gentle eyes met his hazel ones as he was staggered by how wonderfully kind they were as you replied lowly “Because I want to do this for you. I want to take care of you and let you have peace.”

Nikolai felt a lump form in his throat as he blinked back his tears that had sprung into his eyes all of a sudden. It had been so long since anyone had truly wanted to take care of him and had made an effort to take care of him. The expression of sincerity and honesty etched onto your face surprised him as he stayed quiet for a few moments as he tried to think of the last time someone had told him that they wanted to make him feel good.

“I can do this by myself. You don’t have to - I’m not weak.” said Nikolai defensively, still disbelieving of the fact that you cared about him “You don’t need to take care of me. Everyone knows its a bother to do that.”

“It’s not rotten work taking care of you. I know you are strong and carry everyone but I can see it in your eyes. You take care of a thankless nation but who will ever look after and take care of you, Nikolai? I don’t know why but I like being the one to see you smile and take care of you.” you confessed softly and sincerely as you gazed at Nikolai intensely with gentleness etched on your face as you finished washing his arm and lowered it to the rim of the tub so he could hold onto it. “It’s okay to let someone take care of you.”

Nikolai was trying to play it cool but he was turning all shades of pink as his heart beat in happiness and disbelief as he looked at you quietly and whispered after a long moment “Y/N... I don’t want to be a burden to you. I don’t want people to worry about me. I - I need to do everything by myself so that I won’t be a nuisance.”

Your gentle touch made him shiver in delight and comfort as you looked at him, your gaze never drifting away from his eyes as he felt vulnerable and exposed as you tilted your head with curiosity “Why do you think you are a burden?”

“Aren’t I? Look at me, I can’t even do this one simple task by myself.” snapped Nikolai in frustration as he lowered his head in shame not wanting you to see the tears in his eyes “I feel so weak, I have to rely on you. I don’t want to depend on anyone because I - who am I if I can’t do anything by myself?”

“Human.” you answered sincerely and softly

Nikolai let a huff of sardonic laughter as he shook his head “I am the King who is meant to unite Ravka and protect them. There is no room to be weak and human.”

“Your desire to help others is noble. But I doubt you will find much success unless you allow others to help you.” you said honestly and sincerely as you looked at Nikolai earnestly with quiet understanding and soft concern that made him breathless as he felt the warm water lap at him skin, your gentle fingers lightly touch his skin.

Nikolai dragged his gaze up at you and it struck him that this felt intimate, domestic and blissful. Nikolai feels open, exposed and vulnerable in a manner that he has never felt before with anyone and yet in this vulnerability, he feels a forged deep trust, intimate understanding and soft tenderness between the both of you that felt new and beautiful, inviting him to sink in and drown in it. This moment with you where you gently took care of him at his weakest felt like the beginning of building a home for the both of them out of the ruins of their broken hearts.

“I understand that you are the King of Ravka and that comes with a great burden. But you are also a boy... Nikolai who likes to steal macaroons from the kitchen, who has the craziest, most wonderful ideas for inventions and will break the very ground you stand on to make people happy. As much as you hate it, you need to understand that your life... you require support, encouragement and love. People who care about your well being. People who will be there to stitch up your wounds and take care of you when you fall.” you stated calmly and sincerely, your eyes sparkling with honesty and wisdom beyond your years that stunned Nikolai who was speechless with surprise at the wise truth of your words as he contemplated on them quietly.

Nikolai was silent as he looked at you unashamed as he drifted his gaze away from you, feeling warmth and vulnerability bloom in his chest as he realized that you were offering support and encouragement for him. Nikolai realized that you were not scared to be there for him, to look after him, stitch up his wounds and take care of him when he fell. The thought of you doing that made his chest swell in happiness and disbelief, wonder and warmth as his lips twitched into a small smile.

Nikolai’s head and heart is floating with bliss at you taking care of him so tenderly. Nikolai takes this as an opportunity to really look at you. You are completely quiet in a companionable and comforting manner, the strokes of the sponge never lingering too long on one spot as you focus on the task at hand, never meeting Nikolai’s gaze. You wear an expression of complete concentration and calmness that Nikolai does not feel. Nikolai had seen you laughing, smiling, crying and angry but he had never seen you this... calm. Your face is relaxed and soft, your eyes brimming with staggering tenderness and gentleness. Your hair falls messily over your shoulder, your eyelashes fanning over your eyes as your hands are lathered in water and soapy bubbles.

Nikolai had seen you relaxed but never in such an intimately quiet way and never this up close and for this long. He knows you can feel his gaze burning you and fears that you will make a teasing remark that will make him blush from his cheeks to the tip of his toes but you are absolutely respectful, letting him contemplate on his thoughts silently. Your presence is genuinely soothing and comforting as he breathes in easily and stares at you unashamedly knowing that you won’t meet his gaze.

Saints, in the candlelight, so close to you, Nikolai couldn’t breathe because you were so attractive. Attractive wasn’t the right word for you. You were indescribably divinely beautiful. Nikolai wasn’t a fool, in the short time you had been here, many men and women had found you attractive and flirted with you. Though Nikolai had been boiling with jealousy each time he saw someone flirt with you, he understood why they would be drawn to your easy smile, expressive eyes, the shape of your lips that he wanted to kiss. You had shown no interest in anyone and now heat rose in Nikolai’s neck at the realization that the girl who had shown no interest or response for flirtations was the one who was quietly and comfortingly taking care of him.

Nikolai feels you move to clean his bicep and tip of his shoulder. He feels the sponge gently move toward the spot where he first got shot as he realizes that there were scars littered over him that weren’t exactly flattering on him. Nikolai feels his muscles tensing as he breathes uneasily remembering the sound of gunshots and shrieking screams, the blood and mud of the battlefield where he had lost so many of his comrades including Dominik.

Somethings he couldn’t just speak about.

You withdraw immediately when you feel Nikolai tense as you notice his expression of anxiety and Nikolai remains silent for a long moment. You don’t touch him unless he gives you permission once again and you can see something is bothering him.

“Nik?” you whispered softly, in worry and anxiety as you looked at him.

Nikolai looked at you who wasn’t his to lose as he saw concern glinting in your eyes as he finally murmured “My first bullet wound.”

He traced the small scars on his bicep that the war had left on him as he averted his eyes away from you “Not very pretty, huh?”

“I like them. In fact, they might be the thing I like most about you.” you admitted softly and tenderly as you looked at him in quiet understanding.

Nikolai raised his eyes to meet yours as he wore an expression of curiosity and inquisitiveness and you stated firmly and gently “Those scars, wounds show me that you are very loyal, kind and deeply brave... not at all cowardly. I like them because they are proof that you stood up for what’s right, fought the cruelty of the world and survived to tell the tale.”

Saints, Nikolai wanted to marry you. Nikolai had never felt this enormity of feeling, never felt such overwhelming tidal waves of emotions that engulfed him now as he felt breathless and speechless your sincerity and kindness. He searched for laughter or teasing in your expression but there was nothing except genuine honesty and truth as you looked at him with something that hadn’t been there in your eyes. Nikolai can’t help but warm up to the thought that now you were becoming a fixed and steady presence in his stormy life.

You were looking at him with utter softness and tenderness that you had never displayed with him before “Does it hurt?”

“Sometimes.” whispered Nikolai as he breathed in deeply and placed his faith and trust in you as he gave you permission “Be gentle.”

Nikolai feels overwhelming intimacy as you start wiping carefully over his shoulders, gently over his wound and scars, the collarbones and base of his neck, and the muscles of his spine. Your brushes are quick and efficient yet gentle and tender as you cleaned him. Your sponge brushes over his wound softly and tenderly with reverence and he swore his heart stopped beating. Nikolai couldn’t breathe as he felt you clean the spot where his wound was softly and gently. Nikolai closes his eyes and settles into drifting into his thoughts of a universe where this was a reality. Nikolai knows you don’t like him romantically. But he felt himself drift into dreams of where you and him were more than friends, where this domestic bliss was present every day and all he had was you.

He wakes up to his name murmured and looks up to see you standing extending the sponge with soap as you say quietly “I’ll turn away.”

He takes the sponge with soap numbly wondering what you meant and as you turned away, his brain caught up to what you meant. Nikolai sees you completely silent as you face the wall and he finishes cleaning his face, his chest, and between his legs.

After Nikolai is done cleaning himself, he calls your name huskily “Y/N...”

You turn around to face him and take the sponge and soap from him. Nikolai leans back on the tub and then closes his eyes as he dips into the warm water. Nikolai feels weightless, as if time does not have an effect in this place as he feels relieved and vulnerable at the same time. Finally, Nikolai sits upright, coming up to the surface but his eyes are still closed. He doesn’t want to open them yet.

Nikolai hears you shuffle around for a few moments and drop something as you mutter an apology as you said dorkily “Sorry, sorry, dropped it.”

Nikolai doesn’t open his eyes but he can’t help smiling widely at your silliness and comfortable presence. Nikolai imagines you flailing and shuffling around, arranging the soaps and salts in an orderly manner and pink dust of embarrassment clouding your cheeks when you dropped whatever you dropped. Nikolai realizes that this is the happiest and comfortable he has felt in a long time.

Nikolai feels goosebumps rise in his skin when he feels your fingers in his hair, the scent of apples of his hair soap drifting into his nose. Nikolai feels your fingertips firmly but gently running through his hair, your touch never lingering for too long as you lather the soap on his scalp. Nikolai lets out an involuntary moan of pleasure as your fingers thread through his hair skillfully and pulling at the knots tugging at them until they come lose.

Nikolai feels himself turning all shades of red as heat creeps up his neck at the realization that he had moaned and melted at your touch of hands in his hair... but to justify it, you had very skillful hands. Nikolai doesn’t know what to say, all he feels is absolutely embarrassed as he tries to find an excuse but you ignore it as you assure him gently there is nothing to be embarrassed about as you ease some of the aching pressure and tense muscles in his face.

Nikolai wonders what it would feel to have your hands in his hair as he kissed the little scar on your collarbone. Nikolai takes a sharp intake of breath as he realizes he is drifting into his wild fantasies of you but it’s hard not to when your gentle hands are skillfully tugging at his hair and running through them. Nikolai melts into your gentle and sweet touch, enjoying every moment of it.

You let go of Nikolai for a moment as you fetch another bucket of warm water. Nikolai feels you gently tilting his head back as you scoop a cup of fresh warm water and pours it slowly over his head, rinsing the soap gently and slowly, your fingers threading softly and skillfully through his hair with each cup of water you poured over him. Nikolai feels your soft and gentle touch on his forehead, his hair, his ears, his neck and his face and if you notice him sigh and melt into your touch, leaning his head against your hand, you don’t say anything to him about it.

Nikolai feels you cradle his head gently as you finally use the towel to dry his hair slowly and gently, getting the excess water out of his hair. Nikolai feels warm and happy, burdens and worries lifted off his shoulders as he feels light - hearted. Nikolai feels you finish drying his hair and return your attention to rubbing sweet and musky hair oil into his hair, smoothing it into his scalp. As you smooth the oil into his hair, Nikolai falls asleep, the water once warm now cool lapping at his skin.

As sleep tugged Nikolai, Nikolai didn’t feel alone anymore.

Nikolai heard you murmur his name as he drifted out of his sleep and realized you had finished as he heard you murmur “There you go.”

Nikolai’s heart hammered in his ribcage and threatened to burst out of his body when he felt you place a light kiss on top of his head. It was brief and quick but Nikolai was certain he had felt the gentle pressure of your lips on his damp hair as he froze in surprise and happiness.

It feels too intimate, too raw, too good to be real. And yet, Nikolai was living this very real moment with you and he felt blessed.

Nikolai turned to look at you as you handed him a fresh towel and a bathrobe and turned around. He looks at the towel feeling saddened that this intimate, blissful moment had ended. It had been nice to be taken care of for once. It had felt nice to be the one to sit back and enjoy being taken care of. He wanted to cherish this moment forever as he closed his eyes savoring this memory and then opened his eyes. It was time to leave.

Nikolai lifted himself up, stepping out as he quickly scrubs himself dry and wrapped the bathrobe around himself. Nikolai takes a few steps and finds exhaustion taking over him as he nearly falls onto the floor again but once again, your arms catch him as he clings onto you.

“I can do this on my own.” said Nikolai lazily and firmly as he looked at you with a commanding glint “I am the King, I order you to let go -”

“To hell with your orders.” you replied firmly as you held him tightly making him laugh in surprise and amusement at your defiance as he leans toward your warmth. Even though he feels vulnerable and small, he likes being held like this by you and feels safe and comfortable with you as he breathes in your inviting perfume that makes him feel that everything is perfect in the world.

Nikolai sees his bed and immediately feels tired and content as he falls down onto his lovely bed dramatically with gladness.

You try to hide your smile through an exasperated expression but you can’t help the smile that play on your lips as you reprimand Nikolai sternly “You can’t sleep in a wet towel.”

Nikolai drawls lazily, his eyes closed in satisfaction and sleepiness “I can do whatever I want. I am the King of Ravka.”

You roll your eyes fondly at him but go to retrieve his clothes while Nikolai drifts into a hazy sleep when he feels you tugging him from the bed you announce loudly and cheerfully “Up you get, Nikolai!”

Nikolai loves you. He really does. But he is tired and all he wants to do is sleep and you’re not letting him do that as he replied annoyed “What for?”

“To get dressed. You will catch a worse cold if you sleep in a wet towel.” you replied in a matter - of - fact voice as you tried to tug him out of bed but the King of Ravka was a stubborn child who clung onto the bedsheets as he complained.

“No... no... let me sleep.”

“Come on, we don’t have time for this. Out of bed and into warm clothes.” you said in a matter - of - fact voice as you grinned while pulling a sulky, childish, petulant Nikolai who was protesting and Nikolai groaned when he felt you smack him on the floor.

Nikolai feels the coolness of the carpeted floor and is tempted to lie down there just to spite you because how dare you defy the King of Ravka like this? But a part of him enjoyed it, your defiance and careless attitude intrigued and amused him though at the moment it had him slightly annoyed and irritated.

You lifted him up from the floor as you both groaned as you exclaimed “Here, get dressed.”

Nikolai’s lips twitched into a playful smile as his eyes twinkled in teasing “That’s so close to the perfect sentence.”

You blushed as you tossed him his night clothes and he grinned at being the reason for the pink dust scattering across your cheeks as you turned around shyly. Nikolai gets dressed, his thoughts slow and unfocused, muffled and distant as he realizes that you had handed him a loose, comfortable blue nightshirt, one of his favorites. Nikolai fiddles with the buttons, his hands shaking weakly and as if you sense it, you turn around, your eyes seeking for permission. Nikolai nods he watched in enchantment at how your fingers work the buttons and undemandingly and gently tucks his collar and smooths the fabric, her fingertips lightly brushing over his skin.

This is a glimpse into the life Nikolai wanted to share with you. This feeling of being this close, tender and real with you that he wanted to last forever. This moment felt soft and sweet, untouched by the cruelty and sadness of the world where it was just the two of them and nothing else mattered. Nikolai’s eyes glint with tenderness and longing for you as he sees his future mapped out with you, where he comes home to you and feels that tonight has created a stronger bond between them that they couldn’t describe.

How could he ever fall in love with anyone else?

Your soft eyes meet his tender hazel eyes and you blush as your fingertips drop from his shirt. Nikolai wonders whether you feel this indescribable and sacred bond he feels with you too. Nikolai drops and sinks into the mattress with a happy sigh, the luxurious sheets and pillows fresh and new. Nikolai feels peaceful and calm for the first time in a long time and realizes that he tastes soothing peace of mind whenever he is with you. Nikolai’s eyes flutter as he feels you drape blankets over him making him feel safe and secure.

Nikolai opens his eyes as he feels you set a tray of hot and warm food before him. As he eats it, he sets his eyes to observe you and for the first time in the evening he sees that your clothes are drenched wet. Rivulets of water run down your arms and the wet fabric clings onto your body that Nikolai is shamelessly appreciating while sinking in and out of consciousness. Nikolai feels at peace as he watches you pick up the used towels and his clothes. Nikolai feels a strange sense of calm wash him as he watches you tidy the mess of his room quietly and calmly, the wet fabric clinging onto your skin, your eyes alit with firm purpose and conviction and your movements precise and careful not to awake and startle Nikolai. After finishing eating, Nikolai inquires about you eating. You smile and reassure Nikolai that you’ll eat after clearing up the mess..

Nikolai briefly wonders whether you are going to bath as well as you duck out of the room as he sinks into the drowsy unconsciousness. He breathes in as he drifts in and out of sleep and finally after what seems like a long amount of time, he hears a click of the door and flutters open his eyes to see you quietly come in, your hair damp and your skin fresh and smooth, dressed in a beautiful green nightdress.

Nikolai watches you arrange blankets and pillows on his sofa as he blinks drowsily, his eyes lidded heavily with sleep as he drawls “What on earth are you doing?”

You are startled and surprised at the sound of Nikolai’s drowsy voice because you thought he was sleeping as you met his curious gaze and stood up “Well... there isn’t really any space on the bed and I’ve heard you are a notorious snorer -”

But you are cut off as Nikolai drags you down to his bed as you land on the sheets in an ungraceful heap squawking inelegantly and Nikolai smiles fondly at you making room for you “You’re sleeping here. With me.”

Nikolai can feel your weight settling down onto the mattress as you pull up the covers over the both of you. Nikolai feels warm, clean, happy and content, taken care of as he sinks into the mattress blissfully.

Nikolai felt breathless as he glanced over at you lying by his side, your beautiful hair a disheveled mess on his pillow, your eyes gleaming with quiet drowsiness as you met his gaze and he turned a bright shade of pink hoping that you couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating because this was a dream come true. He had to control himself from shrieking happily when your hand brushed against his softly and tentatively and it took all of his courage as he met your eyes seeking permission and when you smiled softly, his fingers intertwined with yours, the warmth and gentleness of your hand seeping into his reassuring him that everything would be alright.

“This is nice.” murmured Nikolai in content and dreamy haze as he looked into your eyes with tenderness and sincerity as he felt breathless by how beautiful and wonderful you were.

You smiled softly and widely at him as you shifted to his side a little squeezing his hand gently as he looked at you with an expression of gratitude, adoration and wonder as he brushed a gentle and fleeting kiss on your knuckles, delighted when your eyes widened in surprise and your cheeks blushed a rosy pink as he confessed “No one has ever taken care of me like this. Thank you.”

“Always.” you murmured as you smiled affectionately and sincerely at Nikolai who didn’t need to say anything, as they held hands in the meaningful silence, you both felt enough.

As sleep overtook Nikolai, he drawled looking over at you “Will you still be here when I wake up?”

“No one can take me away from you.” you whispered softly and gently as you stroked his hair gently as he leaned into your hand with a happy and comfortable sigh, his eyes closing as he held your hand in his.

As Nikolai fell into a deep slumber, you watched him breathe in and out peacefully. You stare at his divinely beautiful face etched with peace and content that was a luxury to him when he was the King of Ravka. In this low light of flickering candles, he looks more like a boy who wants to be loved than a King who is to be revered. You listen to his deep breathing as you stare at him with a soft smile playing on your lips, your soul feeling strangely content and happy as you traced soft patterns on the skin of his hand that held yours tightly. Nikolai looks boyish and soft, vulnerable and peaceful in this light and you feel your heart tighten in wonder that you are the one who gets to see him like this.

Earlier, you knew that Nikolai had been watching you keenly. He might be the King of Ravka but he wasn’t the King of being subtle. You had averted your eyes away from him, not wanting to disrespect him and take advantage of his vulnerability as you focused on the task of helping him. You weren’t lying earlier when you told Nikolai that this was the first time you’ve ever cleaned someone like this. When you were with Kaz, you had simply left him, giving him privacy to clean himself. You were going to do the same with Nikolai but for some reason, you found yourself rooted in the spot and reaching out to take care of Nikolai because you couldn’t let him shoulder everything alone. It didn’t seem right to just leave him alone. Your heart had been beating wildly as you had averted your eyes from his well - built and handsome body that had made heat creep up your neck as you focused on your task of cleaning his soft skin that made you feel slightly breathless.

You had felt his surprise at the fact that you had volunteered to take care of him. You couldn’t help thinking now... did he have no one to take care of him? Was there no one to care for him?

Had he truly been so alone?

Now you take the opportunity to properly look at Nikolai. His hair is damp and curly, his skin is fresh and clean.. Nikolai was your friend, in a steady and confusing manner. You convince yourself that tonight was purely platonic. You did this to help him, to take care of him because he is your friend and you hate seeing him suffer and alone. And yet, your heart beats and your breath catches as you look at Nikolai and remember how he stared at your reverently in adoration and amazement as you tended to him.

At that moment, Nikolai sighs in his sleep as he mutters something indecipherable and yet amusing to you as you stare at him fondly and smooth his hair gently. You are aware that this is such an intimate and sacred moment where you are witness to every sigh, every word, every movement, every expression he makes. Tonight had bloomed something different in the way you looked at him, a tenderness, a gentleness and a wonder as you realized that Nikolai was a storm that you were now trying to navigate as you inhaled a sharp breath understanding that he had let his guard down and exposed his vulnerability to you and you had done the same.

You found yourself torn between throwing yourself out of the window and squealing into your pillow as you blushed.

You were lying next to Nikolai Lantsov. This was not on your bingo card. In fact, this was not on anyone’s bingo card!

You couldn’t exactly understand why you felt so protective of Nikolai and cherished the time you spent with him. You didn’t understand why the thought of Nikolai’s future wife sleeping next to him, seeing him up close and personal like this, sharing tender and intimate moments with him in secrecy and privacy of their own world made you want to burn down something. You didn’t understand why you wanted to wrap Nikolai in a hug and assure him that he wasn’t a burden, he was a privilege.

Maybe it was because you were friends. Yes... that’s exactly it. You were just friends. That’s all you were.

Your eyes flutter shut as Nikolai mumbles in his sleep again, his lips twitching and your lips curve into an adoring smile as you adjust his blanket and stare at him. You do one last thing for him and your eyes flutter as you treasure the intimacy and beauty of this sacred moment that you share with him as you fall asleep by his side.

Nikolai was back in the battlefield as he fought to survive the Fjerdan bullets, terrified screams and gunshots ringing in his ears as he struggled to march on. Mud and grime covered him as he stood by Dominik, both of them bleeding and bruised as they shot down the Fjerdans, protecting each other and their comrades. It was wild and untethered, cruel and merciless and Nikolai remembered the promise to Dominik when they had started in the army. It was with him that Nikolai served, with him Nikolai promised to fall down. But as Nikolai failed to fall down as he watched Dominik fall down, as he breathed in and out, his blood on Nikolai’s hands that tried to stop Death from taking away his friend as he sobbed and screamed wildly, unhinged begging for anyone to help, begging Dominik not to leave him.

Tears slipped down his eyes and all he could do was scream in fury and pain in a war that took away his best friend when he heard an urgent, gentle and reassuring voice that called out his name.

Nikolai! You got to wake up!

Nikolai screamed and the voice answered back as he felt it wrapping around him and dragging him through the depths of unconsciousness as he woke up alarmed and startled, tears rolling down his cheeks and beads of sweat on his brow to see your concerned and worried face hovering above him, your hands pressing gently onto his cheeks as your eyes glinted with anxiety and worry.

He blinked once and then blinked twice as he stared wide eyed at your beautiful face etched with complete concern and alarm as he was startled, breathing heavily and panting in worry, flashes of his nightmare still haunting him as he clutched onto the sheets frantically.

You were right by his side, your eyes full of concern and gentleness as your hands cupped his cheeks and he breathed in and out, his heart beating wildly as he buried his head into your chest as you wrapped him in a warm hug that exuded safety and affection.

He still couldn’t believe this was real as he held onto you, tears rolling down his cheeks as he breathed in and out heavily, the flashes of Dominik’s breath leaving him haunting him as he felt you place a soft kiss on top of his head as you murmured soft and comforting words “It’s alright. It’s alright, I’ve got you. You’re safe with me, nothing and no one is going to hurt you.”

A sob escaped his body as your name slipped through his lips “Y/N...”

“It wasn’t real. It was just a nightmare. This is real. I am real.” you reassured him sincerely and honestly, your heart beating wildly in fear because you had woken up to a screaming Nikolai thrashing wildly around as sobs escaped him. You had never seen him so wild, so startled and unleashed in pain and suffering as you had woken him up from his nightmare with great effort. “Listen to my heartbeat. This is real.”

Silent tears escaped Nikolai as his breathing and beating heart eventually and gradually calmed down after a long eternity as he listened to the steady beating of your heart, a sweet melody, a soothing lullaby and a saving prayer. He doesn’t know how long both of you stay like this together in the darkness of the night, him with his head on your chest listening to your living, beautiful, wonderful heartbeat as he held onto you tightly afraid of the monsters in the dark, his breathing gradually lulling into normal and tears coming to an end as you held him tightly and warmly in your embrace, murmuring soothing words of comfort and reassurance.

After what seems like an eternity, Nikolai raises his head to meet your quiet and steady gaze that exudes safety and warmth, blazing fiercely like a fire driving away the darkness. Nikolai suddenly realizes the enormity of what happened in front of you as he understands that he cried and screamed in fright and fear like a child in nightmares.

He withdraws from you with an apology and shame in his face but you take his hands in his as you wear an expression etched with acceptance and understanding as you said lightly “Nightmares? Do you have them often?”

Nikolai nodded, unable to speak yet as he looked at you and saw the same understanding of the pain in your eyes “Do you want to talk about it?”

Nikolai shook his head dumbly and you knew you had to distract Nikolai from his thoughts of the nightmares as you jumped down from the bed and extended your hand to him with a quietly mischievous look in your eyes “Come on you! Let’s go see the stars.”

Nikolai’s eyes were alit with curiosity as he took your hand and you led him to his window, both of you taking a seat at the window seat where you could see the starry sky from the glassy pane. It was a beautiful night with a clear sky dotted with glittering stars patterned into beautiful and mysterious constellations. It was the kind of breathtaking night that made you glad to be alive.

Nikolai was quiet for a long time and you realized that he wasn’t going to talk to you at all. It wouldn’t bother you generally and you would leave anyone alone but for some reason, you wanted Nikolai to at least have a small conversation with you instead of bottling all of his emotions up and bearing it on his own.

As you sat in silence with the boy who was haunted by the nightmares, you remembered one of your favorite stories from your favorite author, Ko Moon Young, a beautiful, intelligent and infamous literary children’s author in Shu Han who had the penchant for darkly crafting beautiful stories. You had read this story many times, in the library and in the Slat with your tattered copy soothing and comforting you after your horrible and terrifying nightmares and you had even once read out the story to Kaz who had suffered from terrible nightmares.

You could remember every word of the story by heart. That’s how much you loved it.

“The boy woke up from another terrible nightmare. Bad memories from the past he wanted to erase from his head were replayed in his dreams every night and haunted him nonstop.” you began softly and soothingly as you looked at Nikolai who had been gazing at the stars but as you began to speak, his attention was on you with curiosity sparkling in his hazel eyes as the words that you loved and knew by heart slipped from your mouth “The boy was terrified of falling asleep so one day he went to find a witch and begged “Please get rid of all my bad memories so that I won’t ever have a bad nightmare again. Then I will do everything you ask.””

You saw Nikolai shift up straight as his hazel eyes stirred in curiosity and interest as he looked at you in anticipation as your lips curved into a small smile, the moonlight spilling around both of you as you continued in an entrancing voice “Years went by and the boy became an adult. He no longer had nightmares. But for some strange reason, he wasn’t happy at all.”

“One night, a blood moon filled the sky, and the witch showed up again to take what he had promised in return for granting his wish. And he shouted at her with so much resentment “All my bad memories are gone. But why can’t I become happy?”” you continued in a soft and enchanting voice that held Nikolai’s rapt and intense attention as he wore an expression of intrigue, interest and unbridled curiosity and you paused for a moment as Nikolai leaned forward in anticipation wanting to know the answer, eager to know how the story ended.

“Then the witch took his soul as promised and told him this “Hurtful, painful memories, memories of deep regrets, memories of hurting others and being hurt, memories of being abandoned... only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, passionate and emotionally flexible. And only those can attain happiness.” you answered in a intriguing voice as you looked at Nikolai whose eyes were eager, hungry and curious for the answer and as he listened to the story, his eyes became misty, full of thoughtfulness and surprise as he stared at you in wide eyed in wonder.

“So don’t forget any of it. Remember it and overcome it. If you don’t overcome it, you will always be the kid whose soul never grows old.” you finished quietly and calmly with affection and love for the story as your eyes never left Nikolai who was blinking back tears as his breath caught in his throat and his lips twitched into a small smile for the first time since he woke up.

Nikolai cocked his head in curiosity “That’s a sad yet surprisingly inspiring and heartwarming bedtime story. Who told you that?”

“Ko Moon Young. She’s my favorite author.” you admitted with a small smile as you looked at Nikolai with affection and kindness “The story is called ‘The Boy Who Fed on Nightmares’. I read it all the time when I have nightmares.”

“I like it.” confessed Nikolai honestly as he flashed a genuine smile at you making up his mind to research this author and read more of her books. “Thank you. Surprisingly, I needed to hear that story.”

You nodded with a small smile as you looked out of the glassy pane at the universe that extended out there when Nikolai’s voice disturbed your reverie “He would have been best friends with you.”

You cocked your head as you looked inquisitively and curiously at Nikolai wondering what he was talking about when he smiled warily and sincerely at you “Dominik. My best friend since childhood. We did everything together, thick as thieves. He sacrificed himself taking the bullet meant for me in the war because he believed I was the King that Ravka deserved.”

You were tongue tied and speechless as you remembered Nikolai screaming the very same name in his nightmare while you tried to wake him up. You realized that Nikolai had suffered deep loss and felt tragedy in his life. You knew Nikolai had bravely fought and bled in the war for Ravka but you didn’t know and understand the impact it had on him, the cruelty of it all, the comrades and best friend it had snatched away from Nikolai in the trenches and the tears shed and tragedy of it all. You saw that Dominik was someone who meant a great deal to Nikolai, someone who had faith in Nikolai and cared for Nikolai. You understood from taking one look at Nikolai that Dominik was someone extraordinary and important to Nikolai, someone who Nikolai didn’t want to lose and cared for deeply. You felt your heart break for Nikolai because you understood the pain and grief of losing a brother, someone you loved deeply, someone you wanted to stand by with you forever. The world has been cruel to the both of you by snatching away the two people you loved the most but you felt Nikolai’s grief and loss because you understood the feeling of having someone important to you sacrifice their life for yours.

Nikolai looked at you with unshed tears in his hazel eyes, looking so beautiful and vulnerable in the moonlight “It’s him I have nightmares of often. I can’t save him even in my dreams. I wish it was me that had taken the bullet instead.”

You want to stop him from saying that awful thing because you can’t bear the thought of him dead but Nikolai is lost in his self - loathing and doubt “Dominik was a good man. The best man I ever knew. And he sacrificed himself for me. I wish he hadn’t. I wish all of them hadn’t died for me.”

“I understand.” you said softly and sincerely, your fragile heart full of sincere understanding and acceptance for him as you looked at the boy who had touched your broken soul in an unexpected manner “I wish I didn’t... but I do.”

Nikolai felt his heart bloom full of love and warmth for you as he felt nothing but gratitude for your comforting and uncommonly kind presence that soothed him as he smiled lovingly at you as both of you stared at the night sky and Nikolai realized that he had shown you where everyone had given him scars and you had accepted and understood him.

Nikolai sighed as he wiped away his tears in remembrance and reminiscence of his hopeful and brave friend “He was brave until the very end.”

You wore an expression of thoughtfulness “They’re always brave.”

“I wish he wasn’t. I wish for once... he had taken the coward’s way out and let me take the bullet.”

“Do you know why we both survived, Nikolai? You survived because of Dominik and I survived because of my brother. It was because of them. Because in spite of their fear, they refused to step aside. Because their love for us was stronger than anything else in this world. Because they loved us more than their own lives and believed in us.” you said passionately and thoughtfully with sincerity after a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai who was stunned and surprised, full of disbelief and shock.

“They broke our hearts but they loved us so much. And as much as it hurts, we need to be brave and kind and live our lives in a way that they would be proud of us. Otherwise, they died for nothing. Otherwise, we insult their memory. If we regret their actions and waste our lives, their sacrifice will be forever meaningless.” you said softly and quietly, your voice barely a whisper but it echoed loudly around Nikolai who was speechless and tongue tied as he processed the truth that you spoke with sincerity and honesty as you blinked back tears of grief and pain. “So we grieve, mourn but must live on and honor them.”

Nikolai was speechless as he processed your honest and wise words as he looked at you wide eyed in wonder and shock, wondering whether all along there had been an invisible string tying you to him, tethering both of your fates together as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself “I wish I had met you earlier.”

Your eyes widened in pleasant surprise as you let out an involuntary chuckle “What? Why? How would that even happen?”

Nikolai looked at you with a warm and wistful gleam in his hazel eyes “I don’t know. I imagine that instead of staying in Ketterdam, your family made it to Ravka. Your brother and you grew up together. Both of you would enlist for the Ravkan army. Maybe you’d be a medik... or perhaps a soldier in the trenches. You’d be a soldier with different medals of honor, a soldier who everyone has heard of for your bravery. And then one day Dominik and I meet you and your brother. And then the rest is history.”

You found yourself grinning at the story that was nice to ponder over as you looked at him in amusement “That’s a nice story. But our lives are so different... I only wished I could have met Dominik. He sounds like a great, kind - hearted person.”

“Dominik was one of the best people I knew. And I wish you could have met him too. I know that both of you would get along famously. Both of you are thoughtful, brave, kind - hearted.” said Nikolai sincerely and softly as he gazed in wonder and enchantment at how ethereal and divine you looked in the moonlight and bit his lip “I wish I could have met your brother. He sounds very different from mine.”

You smiled softly, grief and love bubbling in your heart as you looked at Nikolai with a reminiscent and wistful look “Not only was he enormously clever, he was also uncommonly kind and had a certain talent for mischief and laughter. I think you would have given my brother a run for his money... and that is saying something.”

Nikolai felt warm as an involuntary smile curved on his lips at those sacred words that meant the world to him as his eyes twinkled “I’m glad. It’s just... sometimes it’s lonely. I miss Dominik. The nightmares just remind me... that I should haven’t worried so much about the war. I should have asked him questions, I should have talked to him more and spent more time with him because every scrap of him would be taken from me. Honestly, if I didn’t know better, I still think he was still around.”

“I feel the same. My brother loved the amber skies and long walks but I used to be annoyed when he tickled me and played his pranks on me. I should have asked him how to be because all he left to me was his unfulfilled dreams.” you said honestly and sincerely, confessing the truths you kept hidden in your heart as you looked at Nikolai vulnerably and softly, remembering your brother who was easy to descend into laughter and full of kindness and light. “But now, after all this time, I know though he is dead, he didn’t stay dead. He’s alive in my head. I feel him all around, in the sad melody of a guitar, in the beauty of the sun set, in the stars, in scheming pranks with the Crows, a bright smile and in everything really. It’s hard to explain but it feels as if he never left.”

Nikolai was silent for a long moment because he understood the depth and magnitude of your emotions and was stunned that he had found another soul who felt the same as he did and who he could confide in easily and didn’t feel alone with. They stayed like that for a long moment in silence filled with meaningful and easy companionship and understanding with no need to fill it with meaningless chatter and small talk, glad to have each other to trust and understand their deepest fears and vulnerabilities.

Nikolai looked at you who were hugging your knees tightly as you stared in fascination and wonder at the stars as his lips curved into an adoring smile as he finally broke the silence “Do you have nightmares?”

Your expression was enough of an answer and Nikolai was curious “How do you cope?”

“I used to drink until I forgot. But now I read and on nights where I have really bad ones, I lose myself in memories. Well... a memory. It’s not a happy memory, exactly. Well, it is happy... but it’s strange and complicated.” you answered sincerely after a long moment of silence, your expression one of reminiscence and wistfulness

Nikolai was filled with fascination and curiosity as he leaned forward, his hazel eyes gleaming in unbridled affection and softness “What is it?”

“I think of him. I remember his bright face. He is holding me in his arms and talking to me. Just talking, hugging and laughing back at home before we came to Ketterdam.” you said softly and wistfully as you remembered one of the long - lost memories that you would lose yourself in of your brother who was always smiling brightly, his eyes full of mischief and kindness as he showered you with affection and warmth making you feel so loved and happy.

Nikolai’s eyes widened slightly in soft understanding and empathy as he looked at your expression of hidden grief and painful reminiscence that longed to go back to a time where everything was sweet and innocent as you smiled at him bravely, and his heart tugged with sadness and understanding for you as he reached out for you and squeezed your hand gently wanting you to know that he was there for you.

You squeezed his hand in return gratefully as you met his hazel eyes burning with affection and adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him surprised and glad that he of all people understood you better than anyone else.

You looked at him with wonder and affection, fondness and warmth blooming in your heart for him as you whispered “You’re a true friend, Nikolai. I’m so glad I met you.”

Nikolai felt a twinge of hurt in his heart at only being thought of as a friend but knew deep down that you needed time to heal and move on from the demons that haunted your head as he felt happy that you thought of him as someone true you could trust, his heart fluttering in happiness at your words hoping one day he would be more than a friend to you “I’ll always be by your side, Y/N. No one can take me away from you.”

You smiled as you blushed, red dust scattering on your cheeks at how intensely and adoringly Nikolai was gazing upon you as he once again spoke, his voice full of concern “Y/N... I don’t want to lose you. So I want you to promise me that no matter what, if we’re in a dangerous situation and I’m - well, I’m - you won’t put yourself in danger for me. Promise me that you will think of yourself first and run away without caring about my fate. Don’t be brave.”

Your eyes had widened in shock because you had not expected such a confession out of Nikolai but the thought of leaving him in danger where he could be hurt and tortured, bleeding and bruised or worse snatched by cold cruel hands of death made you feel as you were pummeling down an abyss of disbelieving darkness as you shook your head immediately and firmly “No. I don’t think I can promise you that because I can never leave you in danger to fend for yourself, Nikolai.”

Nikolai felt too much all of a sudden, too hot as he felt your warm eyes full of beautiful fondness, complete concern and overwhelming protectiveness take his breath away as he felt time cease and stop surprised at how much you cared for him as he breathed “Look, I want you safe, alive and unharmed and I’m trying to do that.”

“Why?” you retorted back fiercely and quickly as you glared at him, your hand holding onto his tightly and Nikolai was taken aback in shock at your quick response as he found words failing him as you continued passionately and sincerely “Nobody is ever safe, not ever.”

Nikolai blew an exasperated breath as he realized you were stubborn, unwavering, fierce and loyal, qualities he loved about you but they were the same ones that got Dominik killed in the first place and he would not lose the love of his life “Look, I’m trying to take care of you and protect you because I don’t want to lose you.”

“But I never asked you for that.” you replied softly, your eyes softening with understanding and amazement at the depth of how much Nikolai cared for you and you felt like you didn’t deserve to be cared about so much.

Nikolai’s eyes softened in exasperation and sincerity as he replied softly and earnestly “You shouldn’t have to ask.”

You felt such an enormous amount of intense emotions that you couldn’t begin to describe that it terrified and exhilarated you as you stared into Nikolai’s frightened and sincere eyes as you placed your hand on his cheek gently and confessed “I can’t promise you what you want me to. But I can only promise you that I will be by your side until the end and we will fight our way out of anything the world throws at together.”

Nikolai was breathless at the overwhelming devotion and sincerity burning in your eyes as he closed his eyes cherishing this moment and opened them as he looked at you with earnestness and adoration “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, you silly boy. I’m not going anywhere.” you replied with a bright smile as your eyes twinkled in mischief and amusement as you placed a brief and light kiss on his cheek, unaware that Nikolai had gone into cardiac arrest at your lightest touch.

Nikolai grinned loopily as he looked at you feeling incredibly happy and over the moon. As you talked, laughed and played chess, finally Nikolai and you both grew drowsy and sleepy enough to go back to bed. As you both sank into bed, your hands found each other as they intertwined with each other, warmth and reassurance seeping through. Nikolai glanced at you who was worn out and exhausted, resting next to him, your eyes fluttered shut as you breathed in and out peacefully lost in a sea of dreams and he smiled in content and happiness. This was blissful and beautiful Paradise that Nikolai wanted to last forever.

As Nikolai felt his drowsiness take over him, he realized something was different about him. He puzzled his head over what it could be and he sat up feeling warmth in his feet that were cold earlier when he had gone to bed. Nikolai pulled up the blanket to see blue socks with silly faces on his feet that he definitely had not put on before sleeping. Nikolai looked at the socks that warmed his cold feet and realized as he looked over at your peaceful sleeping visage that it was you that had cared enough to warm up his cold feet by putting thick warm socks on. Nikolai suddenly felt an odd sensation of warmth and surprise bloom in his chest as he blushed in shy happiness at the thought of you caring so much that you would do something so thoughtful and kind to take care of him and make him feel more comfortable and at ease.

Saints, Nikolai wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. He knew in his heart you were the only one for him.

As Nikolai brushed a stray hair from your forehead as he stared at your peaceful, sleeping face, he sent a quiet prayer of gratitude to the Saints thanking them for creating such a beautiful, kind hearted, brave creature with the courage of stars and a heart of love and sending you into his life that had been changed forever.

Nikolai pulled up the blanket to ensure you were warm and cozy and brushed a fleeting kiss on your forehead bidding you goodnight as he sank into the pillows, his eyes never leaving you because he was certain with all his heart you were the one he wanted to spend all his starry nights with and wake up to watch the dawn of a new day.

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wannaeatramyeon · 10 months

Text

Gun Park with Reader: The 'Learning' Genius. Except-

Here's something a bit more cracky for @lyrical-epiphany. Non-crack here

What should be a match made in heaven turns out to be a constant source of distress for Gun.

Imagine a Training Genius meeting a Learning Genius. Is there truly a better pairing?

No. There is not.

Which makes this all the more painful and frustrating. If only you could look at anything beyond your own interests and apply yourself, you could easily rule the world.

Except.

Gun watches you playing on your console. Something asinine holding your complete attention. Honestly, what a waste.

Your eyes light up when you notice him.

"Hey look what I made!" and you hold out the device, rambling and showing some contraception on your game, gushing about the physics and coming up with some mechanical nightmare all by yourself.

He doesn't even bother looking at your feat of modern engineering.

With an irritated sigh, he just plucks the console from your hand and throws it at the wall. An effortless toss that results in the device being smashed to pieces.

"Man, what the fuck!" You leap up from your spot, "That was uncalled for!"

"Will you come train now-"

Shit.

If there is anything Gun Park regrets in life, it was showing you his Aikido throw moments before you imitated it perfectly and then promptly lost all interest.

What's more, in the blink of an eye, today Gun is a victim again of his own signature move. Lying on the floor surrounded by the debris and staring directly up at your smug, patronising face.

"Maybe you should get better first, training genius."

Gun knows that tone. The exact one he uses to tell people 'fuck you, you're not worthy'.

Sigh. He would retaliate but no doubt you would replicate whatever he throws at you flawlessly and increase his own exasperation further.

Really, he's stuck between a rock and hard place.

Perhaps Gun needs to have a word with Charles. Where did he even find you?

At your introduction, Gun thought that you could be his masterpiece. Now, he is certain that the old man is out to get him.

#lookism #lookism x reader #lookism headcanons #lookism hc #lookism fic #lookism webtoon #lookism manhwa #gun park #gun park x reader #park jonggun x reader #park jonggun #the game is totk btw lol #wannaeatramyeon

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elfy-elf-imagines · 1 year

Text

Epiphany | Legolas Greenleaf

▹ Pairing: Legolas x Reader

▹ Genre: Comfort and Fluff

▹ Words: ~2k

▹ Summary: War was devastating, you'd known that. And in the aftermath of your first battle, Legolas is there to help you through it.

▹ Notes: I'm back to post my annual oneshot. Will I continue the tradition of disappearing for another year?? Who knows. 🙂🙃

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

Death has always been more of a concept than a reality to you.

Your closest brush with death had been when your grandfather passed away. Yet even as you stood at his wake, tight lipped and dressed in black, you hadn’t felt a thing. He’d been nothing more than an idea in your mind, a singular notch in your family's tree; someone you’d met once or twice when you were too young to cement it to memory. All around you, people wept as they mourned his loss; speech after speech honoring the life he’d lived. You’re mom offered for you to speak as well, but what could you say? Everything you knew had been secondhand. It was easier to disassociate the life that had been lost.

But that was then.

That had been before you'd been thrown into war and ruin.

Now everything was different, and you hardly recognized your own reflection most days.

It was dizzying, the battlefield you stood in. All was still and quiet as the soldiers gathered their dead. Yet in your mind, phantom images flitted across your eyes, the screams that nearly left you deaf reverberating off the grounds. Listlessly, too stunned to celebrate your survival, you wandered the grounds. Death stung your nostrils, gore and blood staining the grass; these fields would never be quite the same.

All around you, real people lie dead on the floor. They had families that would mourn and friends that would weep for them. It was a realization no amount of training would have prepared you for.

You should’ve run back to the keep and avoided the dead bodies that lifelessly stared into the sky. Vaguely, you were aware that the Fellowship was preparing to ride to meet Saruman and strike him from his silver tower. As a member, you should be with them, but you couldn’t keep from drowning in your own guilt.

Swimming in a sea of dead, what did you do to deserve survival?

It was a thread of thought that was unproductive, yet you couldn’t keep from following it all the same.

As it would, mother nature set the scene for your disparaging rabbit hole. Rain fell from the sky, trying to wash away the horrors of the night. It was useless, the earth would remember, and all flowers would be grown from death.

Your legs went out from under you, knees sinking into the wet ground, soaked in blood and now rain. Blood and gore, you were caked in it, the crimson staining your hands for eternity. The dark terror you constantly staved away since falling into Middle Earth slowly froze your veins. All the things you’d done to fight it back - deep breathing, counting to ten, and stupid, ditzy humor - finally failed you.

The reality of the world around you finally set in.

Eyes wide and brimmed with tears, you stared up at the sky. Unblinking, even as rain fell directly in your eyes, you searched for answers in the clouds but found no answers to satiate the existential dread you couldn’t bury any longer. Sleep deprivation weighed heavily on you, but the adrenaline from the battle kept you wide awake. In the clouds, you searched for an epiphany. Desperate for a glimpse of relief, anything to make sense of the things you’ll see in all future nightmares to come.

But there was nothing in the clouds, nothing in the sun, and nothing in the sky. There were no answers to your impossible questions. So there you stayed in the fields, frozen by a crisis.

You feared you'd be frozen there forever, turned to ice by the cold of your blood. How fragile life was, and how easily it could be snatched away. Would you be next, another body filling another battlefield?

“Y/N?” His voice was quiet but strong enough to be heard over the chaos in your mind. You didn’t turn, not at first, even as you heard the patter of his footsteps approaching. He did it on purpose, you knew, so light on his feet, he didn’t even imprint on snow. But he wanted you to know he was approaching. It caused a flicker of light to fill your eyes before sorrow doused it.

The smell of pine dampened the sting of death; dread was replaced by memories of unsure touches, quiet words, and a bold kiss before the fight that should’ve killed you both. Only then did you turn your eyes from the sky that seemed too blue for this day.

Legolas stood behind you, not nearly as grimy as you surely were. Blood and dirt clung to his clothes, mud smeared on the contours of his face, but his eyes shone as bright as the sky above you. He didn’t speak, though the tilt of his head betrayed the questions and concerns he dared to not speak.

You should be celebrating, you'd both lived to see another day. The budding love between you two wouldn’t be severed by the sharp knife of war, but it was hard to feel joy around so much despair.

Legolas knelt before you, unbothered by the mud soaking through his pants. He reached towards you, taking one of your hands in his. A stark contrast to your cold body, his hands were warm and soft despite the callouses from decades of fighting.

“How do you deal with all this death?” Your eyes portrayed the desperation you felt. Lost at sea, you found an anchor in Legolas’ soothing presence. He grounded your mind to your body as it threatened to slip into the ether. Still, the questions clawed at your mind. “I can’t--" you shook your head. "I don’t understand how to.”

He paused, deeply inhaling as he pondered your words. “I would like to tell you it gets easier with time, and perhaps in a way it does, the sting not as crippling as the first. Yet I would be remiss to placate you with such words. You do not stop feeling grief in the face of so much death, but simply learn how to move through it.”

As if afraid to ruin the moment if you're too loud, you quietly sighed, visibly deflating at his words. You would learn to move past this grief, as you had when you mourned the life on Earth you’d lost. Somewhere deep in your mind you’d already known that, but hearing Legolas verbalize it only cemented the idea.

Your eyes flickered to his lips, remembering the way they’d felt on yours, adrenaline and terror making it desperate and rushed. It had left you dazed and addled like a madman afterward. Not even the impending army was enough to crush the light feeling his touch elicited. You wanted to feel his lips again, without death and an army of orcs looming over your heads.

To feel his lips against yours, with all the time in the world to memorize every curve of his face and inch of his body. But even the relief of evading death wasn’t enough to make you so bold. Uncertainty stayed your hand; doubt that painted the kiss as more meaningful to you than him. That his action was rash and ill-thought, born from the adrenaline of battle.

Yet the look in his eyes made it harder and harder to convince yourself of that.

Legolas glanced down at his other hand, which was closed in a fist, and opened it. Slightly damaged by his tight grip but otherwise untouched, was a wild daisy. It was smaller than daisies found in a garden, with three blooms in various sizes that clung to the stem. So pristine and untarnished, it couldn’t have been found on the fields of Helm’s Deep, at least not recently.

His gaze flickered up to meet yours, an intensity in his eyes that made your mind turn to static.

“I found a cluster of them shortly before we arrived yesterday. I hoped to give them to you then, but never had the chance.” With a quiet voice, his words were only for you to hear. There was a shy grin on his face, not at all bearing the same insecurities you did.

A grin spread onto your face, a tinge of blush coloring your cheeks. The remnants of dread and terror melted away from the radiance of his smile and the intensity in his eyes.

“I’ve never had someone give me flowers before.” Your voice was as breathless as you’d felt. A simple gesture you’d never been on the receiving end of; it helped you feel grounded in your trepidation.

“Then allow me the honor of showering you with them for the rest of eternity.”

His words were bold, his grip on your hand tightening as if to further convey his sincerity. Rendered speechless, you couldn’t have spoken even if you wanted. Legolas had always seemed so shy and reserved in matters of love, but perhaps war brought out the boldness of people. Relief made you as light as a feather, an excitement within you that made you giddy and restless. He cared for you, just as you did him.

A stupid, dumb grin found its way to your face and you nodded, enthusiastically enough it made your headache worse. But no amount of physical pain could dull the glimmer in your eyes.

Legolas returned your smile, brighter than the sun in the sky. There’d never be another gloomy day, not with Legolas by your side. He was bright enough to spark light in the darkest of days, the only sun you’d acknowledge from then on.

He reached his hand toward you, gently setting the flowers behind your ears. His fingers lingered on your face, trailing down your cheeks, up your temples, and back down to cradle your jaw. Tingles were left in the wake of his touch, as your heart threatened to stop, but the electricity his touch rendered kept it beating.

The moments you’d both spent in that position were lost to you, time nothing more than an illusion. Mouth dry with anticipation, your eyes flickered down towards his lips again, subconsciously licking your lips in an attempt to moisten them. His eyes lowered to yours as well, both of you locked in a stalemate.

You couldn't recall who was the cause of it, but the dam was broken, the river water rushing free. Your faces were getting closer by the second. The tip of his nose brushed against yours, his lips feathering across yours. Wide-eyed like a doe, you waited with bated breath.

Legolas shot forward, his other hand finding a place on your face as your arms wound around his neck. In an instant his lips were attached to yours, so intertwined, it was hard to remember where you ended and he began.

Just as you expected, this kiss was much gentler and softer, not sharpened by the fear of death. It was full of relief, screaming over and over again ‘thank god you're alive.’ It sent shivers up and down your spine, body numb to anything that wasn’t his touch.

Legolas pulled back, only an inch or so away from your lips, his nose tickled your face.

“Stay with me, after the quest is complete and we can all do as we please, stay with me.”

It was an easy answer, the simplest thing you’d encountered on this quest. Your hands retracted from his neck to hold his face. He leaned into your touch, like a contented cat.

“Wherever you go I’ll follow.”

If you’d been told the essence of a star had been captured and placed in Legolas as its vessel, you wouldn’t have doubted it for a moment. It sent butterflies through your stomach but also blossomed hope and something worth fighting for. A thousand orcs seemed daunting when only fighting to survive, but those same numbers fade to nothing when you look at him.

War wasn’t fair, and all too often people who didn’t deserve it died. It was ruthless and terrifying and not at all as glorious as you once believed.

But for Legolas… for Legolas, you’d fight the armies of Mordor alone for the promise of staying by his side.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

#legolas imagine #legolas x reader #lotr imagine #lord of the rings imagine #legolas #legolas oneshot #legolas greenleaf #tolkien #lotr #middle earth imagines #lotr movies #lord of the rings oneshot #lord of the rings #legolas fluff #mirkwood elves #lotr fanfic #lotr elves

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lokisprettygirl · 9 months

Text

Brokenhearted (Daemon Targaryen x Female Reader) (Non Canon Modern AU) (18+)

Read Chapter 3 here // Series Masterlist

Chapter 4

Summary: As you reveal your desire to want more than just sex in this situationship, Daemon runs again but this time he comes back with an epiphany.

Warning: 18+, Daemon is mean and toxic, pure disrespectful at times, Reader has a personality, flashbacks of abusive relationship, sexual abuse, Daemon is a big time smoker so if it’s something triggering don’t read it, he’s not the best boyfriend, alcohol drinking, mention of past trauma and therapy, cigarette smoking, possessive behaviour, some violence, baby needs therapy,

Next morning when he woke up he was startled a bit to see the blanket covering his body, he sighed as he realized that you must have put this on him in the middle of the night. You continued to care for him despite his offensive behavior towards you and he wanted to stop being such a jerk but his experiences weren't allowing him to move on.

One had to learn to heal in order to move on and he hasn't healed at all in the past seven years, a part of him wanted to leave it all behind but he failed, he couldn't forget the betrayal, the way he allowed himself to be used and abused in the name of love always reminded him how pathetic he truly was.

He got up to see if you were still in his condo but the silence around him was enough to indicate that you must have left for work.

He got ready and decided to check up on you, he shouldn't have snapped at you like that, again, maybe he should just tell you that he didn't like talking about his past and he was hoping you'd leave it at that. Somewhere in his heart he knew he adored your presence in his life and he knew he didn't want to let go of you, he didn't want to be the one to leave this time, if you do, that would be alright with him, he won't chase you either, he'd deserve it like he deserved to be left by those women he used as a crutch for his mental instability.

As he reached the restaurant, Claire saw him and rolled her eyes.

"Can you call her? I need to talk" he said to her so she turned around and left for the kitchen area, a few moments later you came out of the door and walked towards him,

"Are you alright?" You asked him softly as you reached closer, you felt worried about him, that nightmare that he had must have been about something he had suffered in his life. Only a truly traumatizing event could have caused a man like him to shrivel up like that.

"Yeah why?" He looked at you, slightly confused by the question, maybe he didn't remember the nightmare.

"No .. nothing…ummm you want to eat something?" You asked him but he didn't say anything, he was staring deep into your eyes and then much to your shock or delight would be the better term, he placed his hands around your arms and pulled you closer to hug you.

You were so taken aback that you didn't even know what to do in that moment. He placed his head down on your shoulder and was holding onto you as tightly as he could, he had never hugged you this way before so you had no idea how to react but you eventually decided to wrap your arms around his neck.

"I don't want to talk about my past life. When I'm with you I just want to be with you alright?" He mumbled as he pulled away and cupped your cheeks, he placed his forehead down on yours and it made you think of that soft vulnerable man you had gotten a glimpse of a night before.

"Okay, we don't have to talk about that if you don't want to..I was just curious but to be honest I want to get to know you better Daemon, this casual thing isn't working out for me anymore, i know you asked me to not involve emotions but I can't turn it off especially when I'm around you..it's hard for me to do that, you can get out of this situation and leave if you want to..but I can't keep it casual anymore" he lifted his head up as you said all that in one breath. He feared sooner or later you'd say something like that to him.

"I can't give you what you want" he mumbled softly, he looked around and people were staring so he grabbed your hand and took you to the bathroom, not the best place to have this conversation but he had to talk to you about this.

"What do you think I'm looking for?" You asked him so he sighed, he stepped away from you and ran his fingers through his hair in nervousness as he leaned against the sink, crossed his arms and then that typical condescending smile graced his features.

"Well for starters, you would want a lovey dovey boyfriend who'll dote on you all the time. Write bloody Shakespearean poems for you and kiss you as if he's starving for a taste, then you'd want him to snuggle you and tell you how much he loves you everyday and night" he said as a matter of fact as if he knew what you wanted. He knew nothing.

"Okayyyy ummm ..first of all I'm not a teenager, I'm a grown woman .. and i don't need a grown man to coddle me all the time..it's frankly unrealistic and kind of disturbing" he looked down as you said that so you walked towards him. Was it unrealistic or you were just trying to appease him? He used to be that man. When he fell in love with her he went all in, sure he was younger and unwise back then but he wasn't always this cold stone condescending man that you were dealing with right now

"Intimacy bothers you, both emotional and physical, you don't think of sex as intimate and I'm not going to ask you why you feel that way. I don't need to know if you don't want to share just yet or ever, but I care about you Daemon and I'm tired of pretending that I don't, and I know you care about me.. I can feel it when you're around me, am i delusional?" Your eyes teared up so he sighed and looked down again.

"I care about your safety and well being, I won't lie and tell you that I don't feel protective of you. I really do and I enjoy fucking you and I'll be honest I don't want to stop either but that doesn't mean I'm in love with you or ever will be" he said to you so you nodded, this was more than what he had said in the last few months.

"You know only those who have been deeply burned by love say stuff like that?" He snickered as you said that,

"Are you a shrink now? Changing professions now huh?" He chuckled as he spoke, his voice was dripping with undiluted sarcasm.

"Look Daemon, If we are going to see each other and continue thisss then I need you to accept that I care about you and that when we are together I would want to take care of you..I'll never beg for your attention or your emotions but I want to be the one to give them to you" he looked at you, bewildered by your response, he didn't understand why you even cared about him when he has been nothing but awful to you. Was all of this just because he happened to save your virtue once? Did you feel like you owed him something?

"And why would you be so selfless if I may ask? Why would you want to waste your affections on a man who won't make you feel the same?"

"You make me feel good Daemon, just in different ways, I don't feel trapped when I'm with you or feel liable for you in any which ways, you don't expect much from me unlike those other guys that I have been with before and I enjoy that. I enjoy your company, is it hard for you to believe that?"

He gave you his typical look before he looked down again, he didn't really have an answer. She had destroyed his self esteem to the point where he didn't feel he was worthy of any form of care or affection, especially not from you. You looked at the time and you knew this wasn't the right time or place to discuss this "I'll have to go now before they assume I'm having sex or something in here and fire me" he chuckled as you said that but a somber look appeared soon after.

"Darling I'm not sure I'm what you need" He told you so you smiled and nodded. You walked closer to him and his body went stiff for a moment but he relaxed as you cupped his cheeks and kissed his forehead, the touch did evoke some memories but your scent calmed him down. You were not her, he knew that but he didn't want to accept just yet that when you showed him affection it made him feel good about himself, even if just for a moment it really made him feel like the man that he used to be.

"Think about what I said and if you decide to take this thing forward, you can come to my place tonight. I'll make something you like for dinner and then we can discuss your boundaries and what bothers you" you smiled as you said that and then you turned around to leave, once you were gone he let out a irritable groan and turned around to look at himself in the mirror.

He had tried so hard to not stray away from the boundaries he had made for himself and the rules he had made for women in his life that came after her but with you he was crossing every single boundaries and he was willing to allow you to break a rule or two with him.

But he couldn't stop feeling so pathetic no matter how hard he tried, her voice kept ringing in his head, he was good for nothing and always will be, he'll never give you what you deserve.

As he reached the center, Casey Anderson stormed towards him and asked him why he had punched his brother for speaking the truth, he wanted to dissolve his contract with Daemon and change the trainer because he was utterly furious at humiliation his brother had suffered. The Targaryens made the best coaches and Casey knew that he needed them so instead of abolishing the contract with the center itself he wanted to hire Viserys instead.

"What is this all about?" Viserys took him aside to question him and Daemon just rolled his eyes, he didn't care about anything, if he didn't need money he'd quit it all together. There was a time when he wanted to become the world famous fighter and make his own name. Being in the ring and defeating his opponent was a rush he'd never forget but he couldn't even get in the ring now without thinking of the last time he was in there and what had transpired that night.

"Why don't you ask his cunt of a brother?" Daemon glared at Viserys but he wasn't having any of it today,

"Look Daemon I don't care what you do in your personal life but I won't allow this nasty attitude of yours to interfere with our business you hear me?" Viserys grabbed him by the collar of his shirt as he spoke to him loud and clear. If it was any other guy Daemon would have hit him left right and center by now but he owed his brother for helping him get back on his feet again. Literally and otherwise.

Daemon didn't care that he lost a client, he should have cared but he didn't. In the last few years under his training several fighters had made it to the international leagues so this wasn't really his loss. If he could go back in time, he'd punch him all over again for disrespecting you like that. After the stupid altercation he decided to take a day off and went straight home.

He couldn't stop thinking about your offer, was he ready to take a leap and build this relationship with you? What would happen if you try to cuddle him in bed or want more in future? Like marriage and babies and all that stuff? He would never want that. He groaned and pulled out a cigarette as he continued to worry about the situation he was in.

He wanted to give this a chance but he wasn't ready, he didn't think he'd ever be ready for an actual relationship again.

He called you in the evening and for once he felt nervous, he didn't want to hurt you again but he knew he won't be able to keep you happy either. You deserved better.

"Hiii" he heard your voice and for a few seconds he lost his own, he hadn't even realized how drastically you were starting to change his feelings for you.

"I'm not coming" he told you in a strict firm tone but his heart clenched as you went quiet on the other side. You needed a few seconds to compose yourself.

"Okay, so this is it then i guess?" You asked him and he wanted to tell you that he wanted to keep seeing you without getting all the emotions and complications involved in the mess but that would have been selfish and even though he was a selfish man to his core, he didn't want to hurt you anymore.

"Yeah..I told you to not get your emotions involved –"

"It's not your fault..no hard feelings really" his eyes teared up as you said that. You were finally giving up on this toxic situationship and that's what he wanted from you then why did it hurt? It never hurt like this when those other women left him, he looked back at the past few months and you both hardly spent any quality time outside of those dates that eventually led to fucking each other's brains out. Then when and how he developed these pesky little feelings for you?

"Alright, take care of yourself then. And i meant what I said last night, if you ever feel threatened by anyone you can always come to me" he said softly, this was the softest you had ever heard his voice go.

"Okay I'll remember that..thank you. Whatever it is..i hope someday you'll find the strength to move on Daemon, I don't know what has happened with you or what you suffered but you're so much more than that, your suffering doesn't define you or the type of man that you are. If you ever need me I'll be here too..I promise" you hung up as soon as you had finished your words, you didn't want him to get upset but you felt as if you had to tell him that.

You really wanted to be the one he'd open up to but maybe he wasn't ready to let go of his past and whatever was hurting him. You were mature enough to understand that healing could never be forced on anyone. He had to take the first step and he wasn't ready.

Ever since you met him you always had a feeling that someday you'd end up right where you were right now and get your heart broken again but you still took the risk. Now you wondered why because this hurt more than you could have anticipated.

Daemon wanted to cut you off completely, find some other distraction and not think of you ever again but it wasn't easy, he was addicted to you and how you felt around him. When a few weeks passed he had realized that he had made a grave mistake, it's not that he was sulking at home all day and was a mess because you weren't in his life anymore. Infact nothing like that happened, he went out, enjoyed his nights and even slept around with women who caught his eyes but everytime he had another woman in his bed he saw your face, even if for a brief moment he saw you underneath him, he missed the way your lips tasted and the way you'd always try to hold him when he was fucking you.

He missed waking up with your body on top of him and he missed pretending that he absolutely despised it.

He missed taking you out on dinner dates and watching you squirm in your seat as he'd gift you lavish things, he didn't enjoy putting you through such situations but he wanted to spoil you rotten in the only ways he knew how. Money and sex was the only thing he was capable of offering you so he did his best with what he had.

It's been a few weeks since he had seen you last and it was starting to eat him alive, even though he knew he could walk to your workplace anytime he wanted he never really dared. If you had moved on from him, he wanted to give you space but he always questioned himself if you had indeed moved on or there was a part of you that'd take him back if he was to show up at your door?

....

Like every breakup, this one hurt as well, if you could call it a breakup, your situation was only about to get worse with him every day because you were falling for him more and more while he stayed distant and he didn't feel anything for you or so you convinced yourself.

He had done you a favor by allowing you to get yourself out and you were grateful for that but you couldn't deny that you missed him. When you two weren't fucking like bunnies, he was someone you could go to for advice and he offered one without any sort of judgement whatsoever. In retrospect, your relationship with him might have seemed superficial and carnal but it wasn't, you felt cared for by him even though he had tried his best to not come across that way.

You also knew that he had moved on, Claire told you that she had seen him kissing a woman and then taking her home at the club he often frequented. It hurt alot to hear that but you always knew what this thing was between you two and you weren't expecting him to go celibate after the things fell apart between you two. He had fucked you stupid on the first date as well.

You just felt jealous that you weren't the woman he was sleeping with any longer.

With all those thoughts heavy in your head when you went home that night you weren't really expecting to see Daemon Targaryen. And you especially weren't expecting to see him sitting in front of your apartment door. His hair was all messy, he had his typical casanova attire on, that whorish chain hung loosely on his neck and for some reason you couldn't stop thinking about those women he had fucked in the past few weeks and if they tried to pull him closer in bed by using the chain the way you used to.

"What are you doing here?" You asked him as he stood up and stepped away so you could open the door,

"Just came to see you, you said i could if I wanted to" you looked at him as he said that, there was a fresh bruise on his cheek.

"Fought with someone?"

"Noo ..for once it's a workplace hazard" you smiled as he said that and the corner of his mouth curved as well.

"Want to come in for a cup of coffee?" You asked softly, you didn't know why he was there but it felt good seeing him.

"Sure" as you both entered you turned the lights on and put your bag down on the couch, he wanted to grab your arm and pull you into his chest, he wanted to kiss you but he controlled his desires, he didn't know if you were still willing to take his damaged self back into your life. But If you were willing to suffer with him he knew he'd have to make a few changes and sacrifices if he wanted to keep you in his life. He followed you into the kitchen and leaned against the refrigerator,

"I'm sorry I don't have the coffee machine ..in case if you haven't noticed.. would you mind if I serve you an instant one?" He smiled as he looked around, he knew what he was going to buy tomorrow.

"Don't mind one bit" he answered so you put the kettle on boil,

"Sooo how have you been?" You asked him sheepishly

"Same as I used to be, how are you darling?"

"Sameee" you smiled. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. "Ummm Claire told me that she saw you at the club one night"

"Huhhh? Did she tell you that she tried to hit on me?" You looked at him wide eyed and mouth opened as he said that,

"She did what?" Your pitch got higher as you questioned him.

"I didn't reciprocate" you shrugged and focused your eyes on the kettle.

"Well you could have..it's..it's not that..i mean..we were not--" before you could stutter more he interrupted you.

"I won't fuck a lady you work with darling" you looked at him as he said that, he was always sincere and honest with you about these things. He respected you and gave you his loyalty when he absolutely didn't have to, you weren't surprised that he chose to not sleep with Claire but it still felt good.

"But you fucked other women?"

"Mmmhmmm..I'm just a warm blooded man..we are the worst breed of all" you chuckled as he said that.

He suddenly closed the distance between you two and turned you towards him.

"I have missed you" you tilted your head up since you didn't have your heels on and looked into his eyes as he said that.

"You have?" You gulped, your voice was trembling with anticipation.

Did he want to give this a try?

"I should have come that day but I was terrified. You were right, I have several issues but ..when I was with you.. for a little while I was able to look past my past and just be with you" your eyes welled up as he said that, you had never seen him be this way with you so it was a little overwhelming but not in a bad way.

"I thought I was showing you mercy, didn't want a lady like you to get caught up in my mess so I spared you..but i haven't stopped thinking about you..you're all i have thought of these past few weeks" he mumbled softly and you sniffled, your voice choked on your own tears as you spoke to him.

"You shouldn't make my decisions for me"

"I know..it wasn't just about you, I'm scared ..of this thing between us" he wasn't looking at you anymore and his gaze was fixated on the floor so you grabbed the hem of his jacket and pulled him closer.

"You can take your time with me Daemon, build trust slowly and we will see where it goes, small steps okay?" You mumbled softly so he nodded and hugged you the same way he had done that morning, he was so tall so he had to bend down just to put his head on your shoulder. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your face snuggled between his neck, he always smelled like cigarette and bergamot.

You had no idea where this would go from here, he was traumatized from his past but you didn't want to get scared by that knowledge, you wanted to be there for him and help him cope.

"Tell me what you want from me, tell me something so I'm careful around you, I don't want to hurt you" his arm wrapped around your waist and he placed his forehead on yours, his eyes were closed and he was thinking about what and how he wanted to move forward with you.

He just wanted momentarily peace, for the voices in his head to stop screaming but he knew he had to talk about this with you and he had to do it now.

"I'm not sure what I want..but I know what I don't want from you, and I'll tell you all about them but I need you to know that I'm not going to be the best man that can be out there for you..Do you still want this? Us? Want me when you deserve so much more? So much better?" his fingers curled into your hair and he pulled your head behind to make you look at him.

A relationship or whatever he wanted to name this thing between you two won't be easy, you knew that but you had to take a chance for once in your life. You have always played safe and being with him was not any less dangerous than playing with the fire itself but for once in your life you weren't afraid to get burned.

"I want you..I want us"

And whenever that would happen you only hoped that he'd be there to lick your wounds and kiss it better

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

Note : it's not the end, there are a few more chapters

Taglist (please check your setting if I’m not able to tag you)

@simbaaas-stuff @ajthefujoshi

#daemon targaryen x female reader #daemon targaryen #daemon x reader #daemon targeryen x reader #daemon targaryen x reader fluff #daemon targaryen x reader angst #non canon #modern au

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