#that’s probably why it’s associated with being a teenager- because you’re becoming an adult but adults still have the final say

[mochikeiji]

Exact Replica

Request: "Hi! I really love you're writing and was wondering if you could do prompt 25+29 for Kuroo Tetsuro from Haikyuu? And could it be angst to fluff? (Maybe Kuroo was ignoring the reader due to lots of work/stress so reader feels neglected?) It's totally up to you tho! Ty so much!!"

25. "Would you notice if I was gone?"

29. "I didn't mean it."

↠ Pairing: Kuroo Tetsuro x F!Reader

↠ Warning: angst to fluff, mentions of pregnancy and kuroo's sad childhood

↬ Word Count: 3.7k

↠ a/n: okay this is my longest one yet. I swear the prompt screams angst to fluff so much that I go into it.

↳ from Go! Go! Gogatsu Event

Kuroo Tetsuro achieved many great things in life after graduating from his university, with multiple acknowledgements and honors. Landed a position as a young CEO from a sports association at the age of 24, he had enough money in his pocket and bank to stable both of you financially. Life was good to him after having to build from the roots  of his ruined childhood; the only years of defeat Kuroo doesn't ever want to repeat. His father and mother were in the same position as you both are; owning your own shared house, good working environment, investments and stability, married.

Up until this day Kuroo questions why his parents split. They were fortunate that they had every thing completed, sadly it was the family and love that wasn't taken care of. You could be the happiest person, yet the void inside would still be there, Kuroo thought. Foolish people were to neglect something more valuable than any object that is given. Whether it was his father or his mother that stopped nurturing what they both bonded for the longest time, they were both fools to let each other go over something simple. He vows to never let history repeat itself.

But now the tables seemed to have flipped for the both of you. Your lives not far from what he had ran away from. If Kuroo could eat his words back, he would've now that he was running late yet again to coming home, forgetting about the promise he swore to about joining you after a full month of being occupied in his office. Coming home to have you already tucked in bed, but suffering in silence.

Most days he didn't bother greeting you in the morning and night. As a good wife, you understand. He was a busy man with an important position to maintain.

There were times where you'd be tapping your foot down on the floor as the clock strikes at an ungodly hour with your messages still not bothered to be replied to or even read. But you understand. He's working! Always doing what he can for the both of you like the good husband he wanted to be.

Even if sometimes he'd come home without a kiss or a simple, "I missed you." you understand. He's drained. No time for silly, endearing affections. You've done them a lot before back when you were younger. You're adults! Married! A married partner shouldn't be feeling so needy when the other was only doing their part.

Even when sometimes your insecurities would kick in whenever you'd visit your husband to drop his forgotten lunch again, only to see him flocked by different women; probably secretaries, interns, and assistance.

You understand. You always did took such good care of what you two have.

Well had.

His home office door slams shut, awakening you from your nap on the couch. Didn't Kuroo notice you when he walked in? Looking at the clock you noticed it was near 11:30 PM since he's arrived. Late again, maybe he hasn't eaten anything? No worries, you thought sadly. Stretching your aching muscles, you made your way to the dining area. So far dinner was left untouched once more. Just how many times has it gone to waste because you continued on cooking for two?

Or rather, three.

You beam at the sudden reminder while preparing your husband's plate. You'd always miss him whenever he'd come home, never had the chance to surprise him at the right time of your little discovery about a week ago. Fear did struck you because of the possible reactions he'd give, but you were so excited in sharing the news that a couple would share the equal happiness from, you couldn't contain it any longer.

Maybe you should've chosen another time unbeknownst to you how your husband was hunched over his desk, clearly in displease of the previous events that had occurred during the meeting back in his office. Hence why his work stack added more piles of predicaments, only fueling his headaches more wishing he could just lay down peace and quiet without disturbance.

He grumbles at the knock on his door, only typing furiously with emphasized taps on the keyboard. You, not sensing the emitting aura from the room took it as a response for you to enter. It surprised you a bit on how disordered his home office had become. It was obvious his coat had been thrown carelessly as it lays on the floor, wrinkled. Carefully placing the plate full of food on the small coffee table at the side, you gingerly picked up the article of clothing. Lightly trying to smoothen out the lines before hanging it behind his door and turning back to your husband.

"Tetsu?" cautiously calling out his name, you were kind of wary at the fact he didn't turn to see you unlike he does before whenever you'd enter the room. "I brought you your dinner. You came home pretty late." you tried to maintain the light hearted tone of your voice to hide how nervous you were in telling him the big news.

The atmosphere was kind of eerie when all he did was hum meekly from your words. Feeling a bit disheartened from his lack of attentiveness, still forcing a smile, you padded a little closer behind him with your hands clasps together. "I also wanted— well needed to tell you something." averting your eyes away from him as you prepared in your head. With a small hope he'd turn around for once after a long time.

"Can it be another time? I'm in the middle of stuff here."

Another time.

Why is it always next time? It's frustrating enough to not see him or have him speak to you even for a moment, but this made your stomach churn in an unpleasant way. Frowning at his poor reply, you gulped a few of your sentence back. Not fully trusting your emotions getting in the way, "You never really talked to me before, Tetsu.. I get that you're busy, but it wouldn't hurt for you to give a little minute for me."

Even just a second as long as he'd finally notice you.

"(Y/n) if you understand then why bother? You can clearly see I'm busy." chest huffing out a harsh sigh, still not bothering to turn around. Gripping your hands tightly, your patience were starting to snap. "You're always busy, Tetsu! I never had a proper conversation with you again." raising the volume of your voice a little made his actions come to a halt. Chair revolving around to face you. His appearance made it obvious how exhausted he has been; tousled hair that he usually takes longer to style, the light forming bags underneath his eyes from the screen and lack of sleep. The visible annoyance marked in his expression. But couldn't he say the same for you?

"Fine. Here, you have my attention now. Are we talking properly now?" his way of provoking you wasn't in the right place. It only made you look at him in disbelief because you've grown to never meet such side of your husband before. The news you had originally planned to share vanished from your head, replaced with the restrained emotions that has been building up inside your heart, tipping over.

"Tetsu, what is wrong with you?" looking at him now seemed like you were talking to someone else. His words were curt and short with no intention of prolonging the conversation, itching to get back to work so he could be done with it. "I already you I'm just busy. I would be done by now if you didn't want to talk properly with me." he says as if he's the one in distraught. "Seriously, nothing's wrong but I think you aren't. You're never like this."

"That's because you never cared to noticed in the first place!" wailing out the collapsed emotions that has weighed you heavily. It was too late to stop yourself from voicing out the things your husband left aside. A full month of being a good, understanding image of a wife thrown away to the rubbles without even appreciating the the long nights of you waiting up for him, cooking meals even though the next day they'd end up being in the trash, tolerating the coldness of the used to be warm sheets, putting up with the insecurities you took upon yourself to hide to avoid troubling your husband further when all you wanted was for him to assure you that he still loves you and only you.

The fascade you put up just for him crumbles. And it infuriates you more of how he still doesn't notice.

"(Y/n), you know I've been working! There's so much stuff that needs to be attended for just so you and I could live normally!"

"Tetsuro, we are stabled, it's okay to slow down a bit. How is this any normal to you when you don't even realize how this affects me?!"

The chair slides back roughly against the floor with a loud creak as he towers over you. Glowering eyes with a dark expression looming over his face, clearly now enraged. "You're being selfish right now. I'm here doing what I can to support us and all you could think of was you, you, you. Can't you see I'm doing this for you as well? God what else do you want from me, the world?"

"I only wanted you to give me your time and attention even just for a second, Tetsuro! I've been doing my best for you all this month and I never said anything to trouble you!"

It hurts when he said how you were being the selfish one when it was the opposite. It dawned to you that all those days of giving your all for him wasn't once noticed. "Will you ever grow up already? Attention? Really? We're adults, (Y/n) not teenagers for fucks sake. My time is just wasted because of you!" he doesn't stop there even if you've had your mouth already shut from how he portrayed you as. His words were beginning to leave a deep scar in you as you quiet down to the next line.

"If you think that nothing is troubling me, there is! And you just happen to add in for crying out loud!"

There were no words exchanged after his meltdown. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he looks away from you— who's eyes were already watery. Unable to even tell your side anymore at the ache of your heart. "So..I'm just troubling you then?" quivering out your words, Kuroo clenches his jaw as the bubbling frustration was being held back with the last bit of restrain he had.

"Would you notice if I was gone, Tetsu?"

Instead of being alarmed by your chosen form of sentence, you watched with sad eyes as your husband pulled back his chair and faced his workload. He didn't even noticed you're already crying silently, "Not now, (Y/n). We'll talk later."

He doesn't even noticed how you walked out sobbing with a shattered heart nor the door in the living room closing. Leaving him alone for the next few hours in peace like he wanted.

Time went on quickly when one doesn't take their eyes off from their consecutive workaholic state. With a groan, he almost slams his laptop shut before stretching his bones, slowly relaxing the tense muscles. It's up to his co workers and assistance to deal with the load he's prepared to dump onto them after they threw all theirs to him. Hoping to freshen up his face, Kuroo tidies his desk up before making his way to the door. Stopping in realization of the now cold dinner that was left on the coffee table.

His stomach growled loudly at the lack of food it's digested in the longest run. It was still good if he heats it up, he does miss eating home made meals than his stale ones back in the cafeteria of his workplace. Grabbing the plate carefully he first made a short journey to the kitchen to heat up his food. Unusual it was to have all the lights out in the house. You'd always leave some opened when he was awake. Then again the guilt started to crawl up to his chest knowing he's the cause of why you'd forgotten.

Now entering the bathroom with water running down his face, he plans ahead the apology he owes you when he wakes up tomorrow morning. He could reschedule his own time since he is the boss. He closes the faucet right after he was done rinsing. Looking around for the towel his eyes caught something below the small organizer you put up next to the sink. Grabbing the towel above the first part of the organizer, bending down slowly to avoid getting cramps, his actions were quick to grab the object that caught his attention the moment it seemed so familiar and surprising.

Pregnancy test. Two lines for positive.

Having a child with you was the last thing he's yet to accomplish from his list, and here it was. As much as he wanted to be in denial, it all felt like surge of contentment drowns him in because he was going to be a dad. However his body began to tremble whilst still holding the test and staring intently at it. The previous guilt that was crawling beneath his bones became a dark, desolated hole of anxiety and fear that ate him whole. The things he's said and done will never be taken back no matter how he apologizes to the past events a few hours ago.

Hours ago. It was already 2:25 when the fight had ceased. Deep down he knows he couldn't wait until the next day to plead for forgiveness. After all, he did vow to never leave you both a day feeling heavy alone. Kuroo felt nauseous of how much of an asshole he had treated you. Like starting a game of volleyball once more, he was beyond nervous when he approached your shared bedroom. There was no excuse of his actions indeed as he solemnly enters the dimmed room. He sighs a little shaky when he closes in your bed, "Baby?" he starts, "Baby, are you awake?" it was one of the little things he's memorized that you'd do when you both aren't in good terms. You never really slept, just pretended because you always had the heart to wait up for him.

When he gets no response he reaches out to pat you, only coming to the sense that the sheets were left untouched; no warmth traced behind. You weren't there, any where. His blood runs cold and immediately fishes out for his phone in his pocket, speed dialing your number while he circles the entire area of the house in case you'd be there. Now he was more terrified when he hears the familiar voice mail from the living room couch where you had slept while waiting for him.

You left your phone. His wife wasn't home— his pregnant wife.

"Fuck." running a rough hand through his tangled hair. The lump on his throat grows but he refuses to let out a string of sobs. It was his fault you were gone at such an ungodly hour. Kuroo felt more than a bigger asshole than before he's made you come to the point of leaving home. Just as his mother did and never returned. The one thing he swore you two would never be the same came to life, only thought now is Kuroo doesn't know whether you've left him for good after being a neglectful husband and to have dishearten his own beloved wife like that.

"Would you notice if I was gone?"

Rang in his head as he stood outside the neighborhood, running. Chasing after a hallucinated image of you any place he tried to remember you'd be in. A fool he has been to have left you in a loveless marriage. He loves you, he really does. He can't imagine a life without you in it. Just as it was about to become the happiest he's wanted, he pushed it all too soon. A bad husband, he cries. "(Y/n), please come home." legs aching and panting from having to study all areas. It was pitch black; there were no opened spots for you to even go at an hour of slumber and chaos. The only convenient store did not even have you in it. You were no where to be seen and Kuroo breaks.

Of course he'd notice when it was all too late. The past he's ran away from was still the place he's returned now that the house was only occupied by nothing but rotten memories of the love he didn't took care of. The exact replica of a married life he desperately tried to dodge. "I'm so sorry." for the lonely nights he's left you to sleep, over thinking of what may have been your fault and always figuring him out tirelessly. For the small efforts of adoration he didn't took a glance at and gone to waste. For the words that were never even meant for you to ever feel. For being a neglectful husband. He was sorry he noticed too late how he ruined his precious wife.

Now he's left you on your own out in the dangers outside. If anything horrible happened to you he will forever be crushed. But the world thinks that second chances are given to those who truly deserve them after you came in quietly, slipping off your sandals and waving back to your friend who had dropped you off home. Your short break to the convenient store changed when you met up with her and drove back to her place to rant about what happened. Being the sluggish person you are whenever sadness hits, you never noticed how long you've over stayed. It wasn't like your husband was going to know if he still was working.

Much to your surprise that he wasn't, you stifled a gasp to find him with his hands holding his head that was leaned down on the table. His shoulders were lightly jolting with escapes of audible sniffles, indicating that he was in fact crying. If he looked exhausted before, it wasn't enough to describe his current state; as if he was a man who'd lost every thing as he sat there with all hope lost. Your foot padded on the creaky part of the floor in attempt to tiptoe over his hunched back to comfort him. Squeaking in the awkward situation you've put the room in when Kuroo turns his head behind to see you standing there a bit frightened, but concerned when you saw how disheveled his face looks.

"Tetsu—" his name got cut off short from when you almost tripped over your balance at the sudden impact of Kuroo throwing himself into your arms with his weight. You couldn't make out what he was mumbling on about, but you melt to his embrace even if he squeezes the living day lights from you, afraid that he was going crazy and you weren't real. "Thank God," litters of kisses were placed on your clavicle, "You're back."

He repeats, slowly convincing himself that you are indeed home in his arms, safe, no harm detected. Just home. "I'm so sorry.."

"I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of what I said, I-I'm so sorry." your bodies swayed gently to the sound of your hushes and his cries of apologies. "Please don't leave me like that again. I was so scared."

"Shhh, it's okay, Tetsu. I'm sorry. I'm okay— we're okay." leading him to sit down at the couch, you placed the bag of different brands of sweets and junk on the table before facing your husband. You had to stifle in a laugh watching him wipe his nose, you couldn't help but be reminded of a mini Tetsuro by looking at him. The argument that stung you faded when he took a hold of your hands and mumbled another apology.

"You shouldn't be sorry for anything. I should be.." flickering his eyes from your belly to your bloodshot eyes from your own fiasco back in your friend's place, he slides in closer next to you where your shoulders touched. "I haven't been a good husband lately, have I?" he looks at you expectantly. Frowning, you still nodded. Tired of hiding your own feelings from him.

"I know you're busy most of the time, Tetsu. But I just wanted you to recognize me as your wife." thumbs quick to swipe away the tear that had shed from your eye, "We're in this together, remember?" he pulls you right from the arm, shoving your face to his chest in need to hold you for all the times he should've. Ignoring the dampness of his white long-sleeved polo, breathing in the scent of your sweet shampoo. You were still so forgiving and understanding despite on how equally tired as he was you are.

"I'm so sorry I've made you feel as if I never cared anymore. You never deserved that." his lips found it's way to the crown of your head. "I don't deserve you, and I really don't want to lose you after me being stupid." giggling through tears, fist connecting a soft punch on his chest, bubbling a chuckle to the surface as he lightly pulls you away from hiding.

"I really didn't mean all of those things I've said, baby. I love you and only you." stroking ever so lovingly your cheek, you don't catch on to the fact that his other hand was placed over your stomach protectively. Making a silent promise to not only you, but the soon to be new addition to the family that he will never again neglect what he should've cherished more and looked after than the constant worries at the back of his head.

Because he will never again repeat the replica of a broken family he once was born in.

© all content belongs to mochikeiji. Please do not repost or copy, ありがとうございました!! (=^･^=)

#haikyuu kuroo #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsurou x reader #kuroo x you #kuroo x (y/n) #kuroo testuro #kuroo angst #kuroo fluff #hq kuroo #kuroo imagine #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro oneshot #raines: gogatsu event

[kaypeace21]

The ‘parentification’ of Jonathan Byers (psych analysis)

“Parentification is defined as the phenomenon where children take caregiving responsibilities (acting as a parent)  for their parents, siblings or other family members, at the expense of their own developmental needs.”

When can parentification occur?

1) After a “Divorce”   

“If there is more than one child in the family, usually the eldest, is “chosen” to be parentified .When a father-figure is missing, it may be the eldest son who is forced to take on his father's responsibilities.”

2) When there’s a “parent with a mental illness “

3)“Parental alcoholism or drug addiction.” (lonnie’s place covered in beer cans could allude to this).

4) “siblings with a mental illness’

5) “Death of a sibling or parent” (  This point is kind of cheating - but the fact Jon as a 15 y old had to plan a funeral, for his little brother instead of either one of his parents just illustrates how he always was forced to do adult duties much too young.)

6) “mothers of low socio-economic status, are frequently associated with parentification of their children. “

“given the fact that there are many single parent families, it falls upon children from some of these homes to carry adult responsibilities while their parent is out working. Often, in these situations, the parent is asking or expecting the child to take on adult responsibilities in their absence. They become the parent of the household in the interim between coming home from school and when the parent returns to the household.”

***TO MAKE THINGS VERY CLEAR: we are NOT hating on Joyce, here! “The harm of parentification is usually done not out of malicious intent. However, when a child who is supposed to go through their natural cycles of development and self- evolution,  is forced to grow up too quickly, there is a cost.” But, Joyce did what she had to do being a poor single mother - she had to work! Even when Lonnie was around- he had debts. And Joyce apologized to Jon for not being around when they were growing up (working since he was 5)- and she even mentioned working Hollidays . But at the end of s1, we see her celebrating Christmas eve with them (showing she’s trying to have a better work life balance for her kids and prioritize them more).  I think Will’s disappearance gave Joyce a wake-up call of sorts about what she values most-her kids.She loves her kids more than anything- and  would never intentionally do any harm. She has to work for all of them to survive and stay together. But it did force Jon to be parent to Will in her absence (especially cause Lonnie even when around wasn’t much help).

And in s3 it’s hinted Joyce plans to be there for her kids on Thanksgiving and Christmas- so she is trying to rectify past behaviors. Ok with that out of the way,  now we can continue...

 Types of Parentification 

“Parentification can either be emotional or instrumental, or both.”

“EMOTIONAL PARENTIFICATION : is when the child becomes a source of constant emotional support to their parent or sibling.Emotional parentification often involves a child or adolescent taking on the role and responsibilities of confidant, secret keeper, or emotional healer for family members.”

“ Parentification can also be the the process of role reversal where a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. Examples being: Listening to a parent talk about their problems.Serving as a confidante for their parent or providing emotional comfort and support to a parent.”

  “In cases of INSTRUMENTAL PARENTIFICATION: children take on practical responsibilities such as:Taking care of siblings or other relatives because a parent is unable to. Assuming housekeeping duties, such as cleaning, cooking,  grocery shopping. And Paying bills and attending to other household tasks .”

“ It’s good for kids to have responsibilities such as chores around the house or babysitting for a younger sibling. Responsibilities should increase when a child becomes a teenager to prepare them for being on their own eventually. However, when a young child is responsible for , paying the electricity bill, or raising a younger sibling, that is when problems arise.”

“Imagine a child who is bombarded every day with the responsibilities to tuck in sisters or brothers, or read them bedtime stories; organize drinks or food, wash up dishes, pay bills, or a myriad of housework. When burdened with that many responsibilities, self-care tends to go out the window. If the child continues to attend school, they may be withdrawn, unkempt, and visibly exhausted.”

“The effects are worsened and more destructive for the development of the child, the more the care-giving efforts of the child become a normalized expectation.“

 We see this in Joyce berating Jon for not parenting Will, properly (although her being upset was somewhat reasonable). But ,we also see this in how Joyce  says Jonathan has “always been good at taking care of himself.” Assuming Jon is ok, when he’s actually not. While Lonnie simply insults Will saying “he was never good at taking care of himself.”  The difference being Joyce criticizes Jon for not relying on her more. While Lonnie critiques Will for simply acting like a child and not being self-reliant, like Jonathan. Pretty heavily hinting, Lonnie even when around did very little parenting and expected the kids to take care of themselves. And since Will didn’t ‘take care of himself’ - it probably put the load on Jonathan to parent Will (when Joyce wasn’t around, even when Lonnie was physically there).

Consequences of Parentification

“ It is expected that complicated relationship patterns will develop between siblings.  The parentified sibling can often develop a symbiotic, codependent relationship with their siblings.”

“These people are very likely to find themselves in similar relational patterns in adulthood. They believe they must serve, help and rescue everyone in need. As adults, they may find that they have a confused sense of self-identity beyond the helper role. The only way they learned to relate, was through being of service and providing caregiving- so it is extremely possible that they have to be the primary caregivers for their own romantic partners . Since they never learned anything different. “

“ The ‘helper role’ might have dominated their entire being. Their sense of self did not get fully developed before they were needed to care for others, so as a result, they don’t know who they are except when they are doing things for others. “

“Parentified children can become very angry people. Sometimes this adult child may not know why they are angry . They can have explosive anger or passive anger, especially when someone triggers their parental wounds of emotional exploitation.”

“Parentified children inevitably develop a distorted image of what love is supposed to be like, thereby growing up to be quite distrustful of interpersonal relationships overall.Complicated attachment patterns emerge as a result. An avoidant attachment style is not unlikely. In the absence of a nurturing provider of safety and care, the parentified child may have learned to utterly depend on themselves alone- thereby avoiding close bonds and intimacy in adult life.intimacy is both craved for and avoided, both a longing and a great threat. Underneath this facade, they are quite lonely.”

This is similar to Jonathan not having friends, ‘not liking most people’, having ‘trust issues’ caused by Lonnie (that caused distrust of Bob, a father-figure) and simply being afraid to talk to people in general. Or joyce calling out Jonathan saying “you act like you’re all alone in this world. But your not.”

‘They also tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, and constantly try to fix things that cannot be fixed.’

“The child may appear highly capable to tend for themselves and others, very mature for their age, resilient and even wise beyond their years- but they lack the safe haven of a secure attachment figure that is vital for the development of emotional regulation.”

A parentified teenager or younger child may exhibit the following symptoms:

-”Anxiety”

Like... this hurt my soul!  His face dropped the second Nancy left the room.He probably has anxiety but looks up to Joyce for trying to still be a good mom and keep it together. Why he said “WE’LL be okay” cause his mom is  “tough”.  He tries to lead by her example. But unlike Joyce, Jon probably always had to keep it together- even if struggling with similar anxiety issues as Joyce. Because he knew they both couldn’t act that way and “shut down” (for Will’s sake). He always had to put on a fake ‘grown-up’ front and keep the family together and help support Joyce and Will emotionally and finacially . And someone (unintentionally) saying the reason he’s like his mom is not because of her positive traits but because of her mental illness- must have HURT! Especially cause he’s probably already struggling with anxiety-  and maybe even fears acknowledging it. Because he’s supposed to have it ‘all together.’ “The identity of parentified children actually depends on their ability to suppress their needs. Since it is likely that their family already had too many problems to cope with, and so they learned to be quiet, voiceless and without demands. In order to be a ‘proper helper’ .“

And it probably doesn’t help he’s afraid it could escalate into something worse. Because in s1 they mentioned Joyce’s aunt having hallucinations. And jonathan even says to hopper “she used to have anxiety problems. I’m worried it could be ... I don’t know.” So yeah , Nancy saying him and Joyce have the same anxiety problems probably terrified him.

-”Depression”

-”Inability to trust others (we covered that) and or social isolation.”

-”Compulsively overworking in order to fulfill responsibilities at school and at home.”

-”Feelings of guilt and shame.”

“Fortunately, there are many healing processes and routes to wholeness and recovery for a young adult or adult who has been parentified as a child.Acknowledgment of your past is the first step to healing and recovery (via therapy or other means). You have to accept the truth of your story. Because, if you continue to live in denial, your mental energy will be spent in suppressing the pain that was there, rather than healing what needs to be healed. Being highly self-reliant was your only option in your household , but it may be a strategy that no longer works for you. It keeps you in isolation and unable to connect with others. Therefore, challenging yourself to connect with others authentically would also be considered one of the most potent ways to heal. The thoughts, feelings, impressions, and emotions buried within are waiting to be heard, once and for all.  “

Alright, thanks for listening I hope you enjoyed.  I really wanted to do a psych analysis strictly based on what the show presents. Rather than inclusion of the s4 movies. I did mention how those movies did allude to Jonathan’s parentification, here (if interested though). I also didn’t go into the hints in the narrative of Lonnie possibly being s****lly abusive to Jonathan cause it’s a bit more speculative ( I did talk about it in my DID psych analyses pt 1 & pt 2 though). Only mentioning it here, at the end, since one of the causes of parentification is also a parent s****lly ab*sing their kids (quite literally stripping their kids of their entire childhood in every way imaginable- and frankly the worst way possible). Regardless,I think most people neglect Jonathan as a character- and the s4 movies hint we’ll finally get more focus on him in the upcoming seasons. So I wanted to dedicate a post to some of Jonathan’s issues that may get more attention in later seasons.

#jonathan byers #will byers #joyce byers #stranger things

[thatsthetriick]

Jjba characters in a coming of age movie with their s/o

Summary: What if you and (insert jjba character) are in a coming of age movie? What would happen in the movie, how would you interact?  Header photo: Haruiro astronaut Pairings: Joestars x s/o

Jonathan Joestar  ── Bleachers ♡ You’ll probably be in a boarding school in the 1960s in england. ♡ He is the star student and you’re probably just a normie and you wouldn’t want to associate yourself with him and you just want to live a peaceful life ♡ You’ll be asked to assist the rugby team in exchange for some grades and you couldn’t deny it so you agreed with your teacher and you two had a deal. Your job is simple, all you need to do is just to be in charge of the attendance and be the coach’s spokesman if he’s busy and it wasn’t that bad. ♡ You are also a supervisor whenever the coach is not around and you overall just support everyone just like an assistant. They need water? you’ll get some for the whole team, etc. ♡ Jonathan will honestly start developing feelings for you, and you to him, he starts helping you with your homework on the bleachers and you two will go anywhere together, and you’ll mostly be the one to rebel and sneak out at night to hang out with him and he’d usually feel scared to skip but he didnt let his fear take over him and he just followed you. ♡ The conflict is probably the fact that you witnessed a girl confessing to him near a fountain within school grounds, it kinda broke your heart and lost your motivation to assist the team yet you still continued. ♡ Your ending is probably depressing because he really likes this girl who confessed to him(probably Erina) so you’re left in the shadow and moreover it’s hard to skip and rebel with him when he prioritizes his girlfriend all the time. ♡ Your iconic scene with him is probably him helping you on the bleachers. Joseph Joestar  ──Coward ♡ It’ll be 2000s in america as well probably and this movie will be a enemies to lovers thing huehue.  ♡ You and Joseph hate each other and the whole school knew that and no one ever knew why, maybe because the first day you went to school you accidentally bumped to him and made your food go over him which made him held a grudge on you but at the same time flirt with you? Or make odd statements which just annoys you. ♡ You don’t take him seriously, you take him as a playboy so his flirts wouldn’t affect you at all and it’s not like you’ll take the praises that came out of that brunette’s mouth. ♡ It all changed when obviously you two got assigned in a project that requires the both of you to go to each other’s houses and at first you two argued a lot but you two started thinking that maybe it’s not that bad. ♡ The conflict is probably the fact that this guy likes another girl and you start getting confused with your emotions everytime he interacts with his girl crush, you really feel jealous but you’re still in denial. ♡ He also has feelings for you honestly but since he knew you practically hated so he knew he had NO chance which is why he just shooed his feelings away for you even though he genuinely really liked you.   ♡ You get into a rivalary with the girl he liked which led to the two of you arguing publicly and you probably got embarrassed since she revealed to everyone that you liked Joseph. ♡ Joseph actually felt really happy to hear this and the movie ends with the two of you dating but being really good friends as well. ♡ Your iconic scene with him is both of you lying down on his bed while looking at the ceiling and talking about stories you two experienced. Jotaro Kujo  ──Not that necessary ♡ The setting would probably be somewhere in the 1990s in america in a tiny town somewhere. ♡ Jotaro never really had a permanent home and by this he constantly moved town to town, which means he never really got close with anyone else in his schools and he’d prefer it that way that he wont just get close to anyone ♡ Though he continues being in arguments and physical fights and one of the fights got him in detention with you, now you in the other hand always get in detention for your little pranks to the teachers or skipping and getting caught, let’s just say that in this movie you’re not really the best student and you didn’t really care moreover mind, but when you saw Jotaro you got a vibe you two will get along. ♡ Since you two were the only ones in the classroom you whisper him to follow you as you two escape the window, he’ll probably groan or grunt at you at first but he’ll eventually follow you to get out of detention without using the front door. ♡ You two escape outside the window and run to a forest nearby probably, he’s not much of a talker so you did the talking for him most of the time, you two will do a lot of things in this movie, such as climbing rooftops of houses or going to playgrounds while talking or just bike around the neighbourhood, getting ice cream. ♡ The conflict here is that he’ll be moving soon and it’s hard for the both of you to be separated, since he doesnt’ want you to get hurt his immature 17 year old self would probably tell you that he doesn’t want to be friends or something that hurts, like “I never liked you as a friend anyways”, “ I just used you.” ♡ You would be heartbroken and deep inside you didn’t know why he would randomly tell these things to you and you would distance yourself from him and school generally that’s how much it affected your friendship. ♡ The ending would probably be upsetting and sad with you being left in the town and with Jotaro leaving, he really thought that he could make you leave him by insulting you but it just made you sad instead of being mad at him honestly. ♡ Though the epilogue would probably give the audiences hope since you two will bump to each other 8 years later as adults. ♡ Your iconic scene with him is probably walking to the forest and you doing the talking for him. Josuke Higashikata  ──It started at the Diner  ♡ The setting would probably be in the 50s in a 50s diner in america.  ♡ You were a teenage regular customer there probably a loner and perfect student who’s got everything and is technically bored of life ♡ Everything changed when a bunch of deliquents sat on a table across yours and one of them got your attention the most, he probably saw you staring and you would feel embarrassed honestly and you will hesitate talking to him. ♡ You’ll only probably meet him there but you’ll eventually find him in the town and encounter him everywhere but you still hesitate to talk to him but you two started to talk and there was instant connection. ♡ The iconic scenes you would have with him is probably talking to him in a diner. ♡ The movie would probably also show about your boring life becoming more interesting as you rebel with him, the movie will show the message that teenagers should have fun while they can especially when they are still in their childhood, and that you should never miss the opportunity of meeting new people. ♡ The conflict in the movie is probably your school and your parents and their expectations and the fear that Josuke will be bored of you the more you focus on your education than friends and that he’ll eventually leave you, and how simple things in your life can easily block you from hanging out with him. ♡ The ending would probably be sweet and happy with the two of you spending your whole school year and summer bonding with each other, probably a open ending for the audience to decide. Giorno Giovanna ──Oh to see without my eyes ♡ Two of you are two teenagers in nothern italy which means you’re in a more grassy parts of italy, and you are in a wealthy family. The setting is 80s-90s italy ♡ He honestly goes to the same highschool as you  and he was the new student probably. Your movie with him is probably wholesome and calming and peaceful. ♡ You always like going on the waters and beaches and he would just watch splashing water around and swimming. You two enjoy hanging out at nighttime the most, you would run around the town laughing and biking around near the forest and you would have midnight picnics where you would make snacks for the both of you. ♡ It’s instant connection, the day you met you two were already connected and already friends and it stayed until this day. You two eventually also get feelings for each other honestly as you guys hangout everyday to entertain yourselves. He was kind and polite moreover a gentleman ♡ The conflict is that he has a dream, that he wants to becoming a don of a mafia and you couldn’t stop him and instead you just wholeheartedly supported him till he eventually had to leave you to persue his dream, he went missing and missed a lot of school days because of this. ♡ The ending is sad you two never saw each other again and he intentionally did this because he didnt want you to be in danger ♡ Your iconic scene with him is probably you walking on the shore of the ocean with him by your side as you two talk away as you feel the cold touch of the water touching your bare feet as he stays dry on the sand.

Sorry dudes I’m still in part 5 :”DD, srry for typos im tryna speedrun this xD, might do the jobros and jofoes next >:DD

#jjba part 1 #jjba part 2 #jjba part 3 #jjba part 4 #jjba part 5 #jojo x reader #jjba x reader #jojo's bizzare adventure x reader #jojo's bizzare adventure #jojo fanfics #jojo fanfic #jojo headcanons #jjba headcanons #jjba headcanon #joestars #joestar x reader #jotaro kujo #jonathan joestar #joseph joestar #giorno giovanna #josuke higashitaka #jotaro headcanons #joestar headcanons #jotaro x reader #giorno x reader #joseph joestar x reader #josuke x reader #reader #x reader #reader insert

[dorimena]

𝕭𝖆𝖇𝖊, 𝕴'𝖒 𝖋𝖎𝖘𝖙 𝖋𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖍 𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖊

𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔯; Todoroki Shoto

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱; 1.8k

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰; fluff, angst, media slander, body criticism, mentioned dieting, crying

𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔱𝔞𝔤𝔰; Endeavor is a slightly better dad, slight self-hate, implied BakuTodo

𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢; this was kind of rushed, so it’s not proofread yet. I’ve taken some ideas from our conversation!

It happened all too suddenly.

It wasn’t supposed to happen all too suddenly.

It wasn’t supposed to happen at all.

If there’s a reason that justifies why you ignore the media and rightfully hate most talk shows, then what’s happening in front of you should be a good one.

Because Shoto looks like he’s about to… do nothing about it. He’s not really speaking or reacting much, simply staring at the screen with such a dull light on his face, resignation showing itself as he struggles to keep himself composed, keep himself scarce of any emotion but neutrality.

He’s failing terribly, but he wouldn’t know, and you wouldn’t tell him. It was meant to be a relaxing Thursday evening, where Fuyumi sent over some food and Natsuo ever-so-kindly sent a six-pack of beer with her to help you and Shoto unwind from such a hectic week full of arrests, busts, investigations, interrogations.

It feels like you’re somehow doing police work rather than your respectful ones, which is something you’d look into after figuring out why the media decided to suddenly talk about Shoto’s weight gain. It’s nothing new for you, for him, for your friends, for your family, for anyone who knows Shoto. Most people assume he’s picking up more mass to form bigger muscles, others simply enjoy the new Shoto, and the kids are beginning to no longer go up to him to bully him for the weird capsules around his waist, but rather to invite him to play with them.

Shoto was beginning to feel so much more comfortable in his skin, he was beginning to love his new body and the small changes that occur as he continues to slowly tone his muscles. He’s even accepted not to gain back his muscular form, simply keeping in mind the change in dynamic between him and the general public.

No one’s pointed a finger at him.

No one’s talked badly of him.

No one’s ever criticized him over his change.

Everyone was just glad prohero Shoto was fine and recovering well from his unexpected injuries.

So watching how these two talk show hosts are talking shit about his weight gain and ridiculing the way he looks in his clothes is making your blood boil.

On the screen, there are two pictures: the one on the left is a recent picture that made it on the newspaper as people thanked Shoto for saving a few kids from a terrible house fire; the one on the right is a picture from when Shoto was 16.

How could they be stupid enough to compare a teenager’s body with an adult’s?!

It’s like comparing a five year old’s drawing with a professional drawing, yet they’re ridiculing and nitpicking the professional and praising the child’s drawing.

It’s a weird analogy in your mind, but it’s the only thing that tries to help you understand why they think it’s necessary to suddenly bring up something so personal, so private, from someone?

When they switch to an improvised interview with Endeavor, Shoto shrinks a bit into the couch, leaning more into your side as you both listen to what his father had to say with such personal questions about his youngest son’s ‘recent’ weight gain.

Shoto knows his father’s opinion: Endeavour doesn’t care. But not in a ‘fuck you’ type of way, but in a ‘it’s your life, and if you’re happy, so be it.’

He’s changed quite a lot from when Shoto was younger, yet watching the way his father’s eyebrows furrowed in anger and snarl at the question had Shoto wonder if his father really isn’t bothered by his weight gain.

Slight weight gain, might you need to remind him.

But instead of listening to Endeavour criticize his son and agree with the commentaries, he yelled at the reporter for being so selfish and careless, how he’s keeping Endeavour from continuing his task of making sure recently rescued citizens are doing well or not.

And when pushed further for an answer, the older man sighs and explains how even though Shoto’s changed, he doesn’t see it in his weight, but rather his person and strength, a change in power, to which he’s proud of and only ever concerns him other than the general well-being of his son.

The talk show hosts don’t seem to be happy with the sappy response, probably waiting for the hero to maybe help feed the drama. So, they take matters into their own hands: try convincing the audience the number one prohero is probably only lying to save his image and pride.

Now that hurt a lot, seeing how they’re trying to change the context and make Endeavor into the asshole bastard of a father he stopped being time ago.

But it was enough to make Shoto stand up and walk silently to your bedroom.

You know what he’s doing, know what he’s probably thinking as he stares and scrutinizes his image in the mirror.

You mute the TV, rubbing a hand over your face as you head to the bedroom, frowning when you catch the way he subtly brushes away some tears. The more you watch, the more you feel like crying with him.

It’s so frustrating being a prohero, especially one admired by the media merely by his looks and status rather than talent and power.

He hasn’t done anything wrong to suddenly be bashed and hated on, to become such a joke and be ridiculed to the point his self-love and appreciation is thrown to burn in a trash can just so those pathetic celebrities can get a paycheck making people’s lives miserable.

Heck, there’s a prohero flaunting around about paying escorts to offer services at a party and they’re off the hook, apparently.

You can’t keep watching Shoto tear himself apart, not when it took so much patience, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, reassurance and love to build up his confidence again.

You don’t really speak, just go to the mirror and flip it over, stopping Shoto from glaring at himself, but it makes him finally let out a pained whimper, one full of dejection and hurt.

You got him quickly, wrapping your arms around him as his body shakes as held-back cries finally leave his system, doubt flooding his mind and insecurities coming back in full swing.

You manage to get you both to the bed with some awkward shuffling and lots of squirming, making sure his head is resting on your chest so that he hears your heartbeat while you brush his hair with your fingers, whispering and mumbling how he shouldn’t listen to them, that they’re lying, that their opinion doesn’t matter because they’re so unhappy and insecure about how confident he was.

How he’s a stronger person than they are for accepting and loving his body instead of succumbing to cheap plastic surgery to hide away his imperfections, which he has none.

How he’s a more beautiful person than they are for being so kind and generous to everyone that he sees, being polite and offering help where he sees they need.

How he’s a powerful person, not because he’s the son of Endeavor, but because he just carries his own influence over people, how they simply are drawn to him because of how he is and who he is personally, how naturally charming he is when he speaks and treats people.

You spill every confession, every praise, every single word you could think of to help sooth him from his hiccups, to ease him into tranquility while you both figure out how to carry on such harsh criticism about his body.

Shoto eventually starts laughing, shoulders shaking as he finishes wiping his tears. You’d be concerned, but knowing him, he must’ve associated this moment with something else.

And you are right.

“Remember when Bakugou came and bluntly told me how I’ve gained weight?”

“Yeah. You were ready to cry.”

“Yes, but I didn’t get to, because Bakugou directly told me, with no hesitation, how it makes me look healthier in an ‘odd’ way and how adorable I look. Later he threatened to feed me snacks if I ever think of strictly dieting.”

You nod, wondering where he’s getting at with this, not like it’s out of the blue.

“If a guy like Bakugou doesn’t see a problem with my weight gain, then, why did they?”

His voice went soft, quiet, as his question lingers in the air for some time before you shrug, holding him closer to your body.

“Maybe because they’ve never learned to love themselves, and you did because you’re a better person than they’ll ever be. You don’t ridicule anybody if you see a change, simply tell them about it and help them figure out how to fix it if they don’t want or like it.”

Shoto remains quiet, basking in the comforting silence as his head throbs a bit as a warning.

Pressing a palm into one of his eyes, he mumbles “do you think my father’s embarrassed of me?”

You hum, shaking your head immediately as you figure out your words.

“Your father seemed more embarrassed about how invasive these people are and how they were making him a fool rather than your newfound softness.”

You scratch Shoto’s head, playing with his hair as you try flipping the white strands to where the red strands lay.

“I think if your father were truly embarrassed, he would’ve forced you back into a diet a long time ago, or would’ve been around to monitor you. But he didn’t, because when he saw you after your accident, I heard him quietly thank the heavens that you’re safe and doing well rather than fuss about how your cheeks look fuller.”

Shoto tries to remember, but he was in the kitchen bothering his sister, but somewhat helped put the table when you guys went to visit for lunch a few months after his discharge.

But you’re right. His father would’ve done something sooner if his weight gain were an issue, but the old man didn’t. He even sent over some food and snacks from time to time, and still does, but a little less often. Whether it’d be because he caught wind of Shoto trying to slowly ease back with the sweets or because of the demand of his assistance in some missions.

You guys stay in bed, eventually falling asleep from the exhaustion of the random roller coaster the media decided to put you both in, more on Shoto than on you. But you went to sleep with a bit of ease, knowing Shoto’s at least trying to cheer himself up as well and realize the media’s opinion isn’t as valid to him as the opinion from those he loves and cares about.

But your sleep was interrupted when you heard your phone blaring in the living room. Shoto luckily is snuggling into his side of the bed, so you manage to walk quietly towards where your device sat and check the caller ID.

It’s Bakugou, and when you answer, he demands to know how Shoto is, how he took the bullshit those talk show hosts decided to spill and if he can pay a visit in the morning, wanting to check himself how the sleeping man is doing.

You’re sure Shoto will very much appreciate the hothead of his friend visiting.

#𝔖𝔬𝔣𝔱! 𝔖𝔥𝔬𝔱𝔬 #❀; purity #bnha fluff #todoroki shoto x reader #todoroki x reader #𝖙𝖔𝖉𝖔𝖗𝖔𝖐𝖎.𝖘

[jitterbugjive]

Something I wish more people would understand is how unhealthy and misguided I was in my early 20s. I came out of a life of mental and sexual abuse, for a bit I had a much older boyfriend than me that I didn’t realize until fairly recently was grooming me since I was 14. I was a hyper sexual teenager due to the exposure I had in childhood and I sought people out constantly to ERP with, even adults, without really thinking anything was wrong with that. I had an old friend who started running away from home to look for random adult men to sleep with so my understanding and feelings towards that kind of situation got all twisted and confused and I didn’t know how to help my friend. I had another friend who was pulled in to a 3 way by another minor and an adult, and the other minor was also the sort who actively looked for adult men who would be sick enough to sleep with her. And my best friend had a sister who was also exhibiting this behavior despite my friends’ many protests, because their mom didn’t give a single fuck about anything. I had an older babysitter, by older I mean in his 60s, who would bring up conversations about sex with me and show me porn on TV from when  I was 10-13. I was dealing with unchecked PTSD which made me overly reactive, prone to fits of anger and anxiety.

My point is, back then I didn’t have any kind of professional help or anywhere I could go for answers on things I didn’t understand or had a limited understanding of. When I ask the question ‘what do you do if a kid is seeking out adult sexual attention’ it’s not because I’m trying to blame kids for this, it’s because it scares me when kids are unknowingly, maybe even knowingly, exposing themselves to danger for whatever screwed up reason they may have. And no one wants to talk about that kind of situation, so I couldn’t find any answers. I couldn’t find an appropriate way to process my feelings on the matter, my understanding of it, the way I viewed it, I couldn’t find what the correct way to feel or deal with it was. Again, because no one wants to talk about it. With my naivety and personal experience, I at first held resentment towards kids like that, because I remember being put in danger because of them or they put my friends in danger, and those kids seemed very sure of their choices even when they were perfectly aware it was wrong. One of them I knew, even as an adult, didn’t ever think anything was wrong with what they did, they didn’t come with that regret you hear most people talking about. I regret the way I’ve reacted to these situations and I regret the way I phrased things when I was trying to come to terms with this issue that I’d been honestly traumatized by.

Another thing I didn’t understand in my early 20s was appropriate boundaries, because I wasn’t given appropriate boundaries as a kid I only knew one big basic thing: Don’t do anything sexually explicit with minors.

And when it came to RP, I thought that meant PG13 content was okay. I thought if there was a fade to black, or a time skip, or an implication, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. Now, there are literally only 2 instances I can think of where there was any sort of implication of sexual acts between characters with a minor, I still made sure nothing explicit was shown or explored and I was of the impression that I was just letting the other person have fun because that’s what they were in to. And that was a mistake. Not as big of a mistake as it could have been, mind you, but I’d never cross that line. I thought I had a good line drawn in the sand but I didn’t really understand where it was supposed to be. Because if we’re gonna be honest here, looking back I know now even romantic fluff RP between an adult and a minor isn’t okay, even if it’s through characters and not as ourselves.

I know now how much of an emotional impact RP can have on a person, considering most of my romantic relationships started with RP. When you have a character you deeply connect to interacting with someone else’s character, it’s really easy to start mistaking your character’s feelings for your own. You could believe because your characters get along so well that maybe the two of you can get along romantically too. I’m not saying that RP shouldn’t lead to romance, but that it can easily blind a person from how their RP partner really is. So it’s dangerous to RP with kids like this. I should know, my abusive ex that groomed me until I turned 18 in order to date me certainly had me convinced we were meant for each other just because our characters clicked and my character happened to be a representation of myself.

Something I’m really ashamed to admit as well is a serious misjudgement on my part, where for some reason I assumed bodily fluids weren’t NSFW. Probably because I’ve seen people get away with censoring out naughty bits but leaving the spunk in an image, or just drawing the character with spunk on them or something. Point is, people were getting away with it not being flagged as porn, and my dumb brain was like ‘okay so it’s not that bad’. I need to make something clear here, I don’t entirely remember what happened or why it happened, but it’s true that Bedeviled Derpy had a post that showed spunk in 2 of the images and it was drawn from some sketches of mine by a teenager. I don’t believe I would have requested such a thing, I certainly didn’t script it to say ‘draw spunk here’, in fact the sketches don’t show any indication of a mess anywhere. I just remember being given the finished images with the spunk being added, and I was dumb enough to think “oh yeah this is totally okay for a SFW blog” and my brain didn’t even register like ‘hello yes a child drew this maybe ask them to remove the spunk also spunk isn’t sfw or child friendly in any way shape or form’

Some people, maybe only a handful, or more, I don’t know, but some people have this assumption that my mindset in all of this was like “Hahaha I’m taking advantage of a minor” and that’s just... not it?

I’m a colossal dumbass, I admit that, and I was really irresponsible, but it was NOT because I had any intentions on preying on a child. I just don’t do that.

The things I said and did, I did out of ignorance, and most of the bad stuff people talk about me saying was from 5+ years ago, before I got any help, before I had anyone to walk me through these incredibly complex emotions and opinions that were ingrained in my head since childhood.

I just wish that people could see I had no malice or ill intent, I wish people could realize they’re way overthinking my actions and taking things a lot more personally than they were ever meant to be. Maybe if they could see this for what it is rather than assuming I’m a villain who purposefully did everything wrong, they could learn to move on in a healthy way.

I understand I did a lot of harm and there’s no undoing that.

But I do NOT deserve to be accused of pedophilia. Pedophilia has literally ruined my life and my perception of the world. I’m a victim too, and just because I became an adult doesn’t mean I suddenly know right from wrong. That’s not how becoming an adult works. You’re allowed to make mistakes as an adult, being an adult doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes any more. Yes it’s easier to say to someone ‘you were just a kid, it was a mistake, you didn’t know any better’, but adults have a hard time knowing ‘any better’ too. We’re always growing and learning and I’d like to think people are smart enough to see that I have grown in to a better person.

I hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive me, but I fear some people are too far gone down the rabbit hole of being convinced that everything was on purpose and from malice, that I’m some evil mastermind who thrives on manipulation and taking advantage of kids. I’ve only ever associated with 2 minors since becoming an adult and I have no intention of associating with any more that aren’t directly connected to my family or my friends.

Anyone who actually knows me would know I have a 0 tolerance for IRL pedophilia, when I found out a member of one of my groups was showing nudes to minors he was immediately kicked out and I kept tabs on the situation to make sure he’d be caught by police. When a member in my server was exposed for ERP and orbiting with a minor, I kicked him out too.

I worry about kids to a point that it’s part of my PTSD, I have anxiety attacks just worrying about how a kid might be getting harmed, the last thing I want to do is bring harm to them.

And I did cause harm, I didn’t know that was what I was doing, but I did, because I wasn’t mature enough to understand how to interact with kids as an adult. And again, I’m just incredibly sorry things had to even come to this. I’m not lying when I say I think about this every single day, and sometimes spiral in to really bad anxiety because of it. It affects me heavily.

I want to move on.

And I want the people affected to move on too.

Because dwelling on this isn’t going to do anyone any good.

#apology #important

[trisshawkeye]

I'm a little hesitant to weigh in on the discourse going around, since I can't speak to the Chinese LGBTQ+ experience, but what I can speak to is one of the reasons why a queer person might find the nature of the sex scenes in MDZS, and in particular the extras, interesting and relatable to their experience as a queer person.

First off I want to stress that YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THE MDZS EXTRAS. In fact, if you think they might be triggering or upsetting to you, or just not your cup of tea, then just don't read them. You don't need to read them to enjoy everything else MDZS has to offer. Indeed, if any of the following would wig you out—slightly dub-con kissing, misunderstandings around a sexual encounter due to each party thinking the other didn't want it in the same way they did, an inexperienced couple figuring out what they like and finding out that includes mild consent-play—then maybe you might want to skip the scenes in the main novel too. It's okay to have preferences and for those preferences to not include that. If you don't want to read those sections, then I'm not gonna judge you, don't read them. There is plenty else to enjoy. Look after yourself first!

Okay, with that out the way, I'd like to talk to you a little bit about shame and sexual fantasy.

While not written to this particular audience at all, Lan Wangji is a painfully relatable character for a certain type of gifted queer kid growing up in conservative Evangelical Christian spaces. The combination of having a strict, rule-based moral code one is expected to follow, and being held up as a well-behaved, good example to others from a young age, both in terms of pseudo-academic achievement and in terms of following of said moral code, and then finding yourself and your worldview becoming increasingly incompatible with the code you are trying to live by, is one that really fucks you up. Lan Wangji is a character laser-targeted at my own set up of hang-ups and neuroses, oh boy. I love him so much and want him to be happy.

And to be fair, that's not to say the Gusu Lan sect rules are bad per se, and characters such as Lan Xichen show that it is possible to have a different relationship with them such that they inform your behaviour but still allow for flexibility and compromise. But Lan Wangji definitely strikes me as someone who took rule-following deep into his own sense of identity, and that gets very messy for him when he starts questioning how to handle moral quandaries that the rules can't easily address by themselves, or finds himself trying to follow them in a way that conflicts with how the rest of his sect are doing so.

So when this kind of strict moral purity forms a big part of your identity, and then you suddenly get attracted to someone 'inappropriate' (or indeed, anyone at all as a horny teenager who’s supposed to behave themselves), your new and growing sense of desire runs smack bang into your existential need to be someone who is Good(TM), who follows the rules, who wouldn't in their right mind to anything that contradicts them. You can't just dream soft dreams about sneaking away to kiss your crush and you both enjoying it, because even that is shameful, it's wrong, it flies in the face of everything you're supposed to be and you'd never do that. And so one way for your mind to get around this is for your fantasies to take a darker turn, to imagine that you were pushed beyond all reasonable human limits, that you lost all control, that you were drugged or manipulated, that the other person took advantage of you or somehow provoked you into assaulting them, and that way you can sort of excuse yourself, you can imagine yourself in that situation because at least then it wasn't really your fault, you can kind of keep your internal sense of identity consistent. But now you've imagined you're in that situation and you have that 'excuse', you have a kind of free rein to act out the things you want to do and it doesn't really 'count'. And all the while you're entirely aware that this is a fucked up fantasy, that it would be unforgivable if you did such a thing or such a thing was done to you in real life, and now you're worried that even imagining such a thing is a failure of your moral character, and it builds into a destructive cycle of shame and self-loathing, and it's just a real mess all round. 

Now, I think this is something that Lan Wangji worked through and came out the other side of, and he was no longer ashamed of his desire for Wei Wuxian by the time he came back in the body of Mo Xuanyu (and probably even by the time of the first siege of the Burial Mounds, though it was far too late at that point). But for a sixteen-year-old Lan Wangji to have these violent fantasies about being provoked into raping Wei Wuxian because that was the only way he could imagine himself in a situation in which he could express that desire? And then later in life finding out that consent-play holds some appeal? Yeah, I can see that, I can relate to it.

And so in the incense burner chapter? When it becomes clear they're visiting one of Lan Wangji's teenage fantasies, especially right after the adorably domestic scene that is Wei Wuxian's dream, he is absolutely embarrassed by it, he's mortified—it's obvious he still considers it to be shameful and would honestly rather Wei Wuxian didn't see this side of himself so clearly, although he loves and trusts Wei Wuxian enough not to hide it from him when he says wants to stay. And then, when Wei Wuxian sees where it's going, and finds it hilarious and honestly kinda hot, knowing that it is just a fantasy, and one that meshes well with his own consensual-non-consent kinks to boot, you know what? It's a relief! It's an honest-to-goodness relief and entirely delightful to me that he turns around and basically says, hey, it's okay, this doesn't make you a bad person, you don't have to be ashamed of this, I love you, I'm enjoying this too, I want to see where this goes, let's have sex! 

Because none of this does make Lan Wangji a bad person—none of these fantasies were acted upon except for one intensely-regretted kiss (and then only really regretted on his own part), and then later in the context of entirely consensual, mutually enjoyable sex as adults between him and Wei Wuxian. And being able to revisit those fantasies and take away the shame he's associated with them all this time is probably pretty healing for him! 

Like I said at the start, you don't have to read these chapters. They were not written for you personally, and you are not the target audience for them. If you're going to be at all distressed by the content then I actively encourage you not to read them, it would be a form of emotional self-harm to do so. It's not like you're missing out on anything important (or even very well-written, if I'm being honest, particularly once it's gone through the mangle of a translation that I don't personally think handles the nuances of the smut scenes very well, from what I can gather from various pieces of discussion about it). It's totally fine if you find these kinks unpleasant and don't want to touch them with a barge pole! But that doesn't make having or writing or enjoying these kinks or fantasies somehow morally wrong—it's not shameful, it's not homophobic, and please, please stop accusing the author or fans of being so just because you don't personally like it. Because you’re just reinforcing the shame-based, purity-based thinking that screws so many of us up in the first place.

(Aside: I’m not saying this is necessarily the correct way to interpret Lan Wangji’s character and motivations with respect to these scenes, since I too am a Westerner coming at all this material through the veil of translation and with very little understanding of its surrounding literary context—I’m more describing how, from my own experience as a young repressed religious queer, I found myself vibing a lot with this character and his relationship with sexual desire.)

#lan wangji #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #mdzs discourse #cw rape mention #in the context of discussing rape fantasies #and why one might have them #and in the context of a chapter in which a rape fantasy is observed but no one is actually raped #ugh i already feel like i'm oversharing please don't make me regret posting this #this is just like the don't consume horror if you don't like it discourse goin on over in the tma fandom all over again #mdzs meta

[sugarsugarmoon]

A Dash of Magic

Pairing: Cedric Diggory x reader x Taehyung

Genre: Smut

Rating: Mature

Warnings: oral sex (m/f receiving), unprotected sex, threesome, sort of facefucking, slight cumplay

a/n: tbh, I don’t even know if this makes sense. It’s unedited. For @cheba-o​

WC: 3845

The thing about Cedric Diggory was he was always just so...perfect. And that rubbed you the wrong way. He excelled in all of his classes, played Seeker on the Quidditch team, and had throngs of admiring teens following him everywhere that he went.

No thank you.

No matter how much you tried to avoid it, and him, there was no way around the 4 classes that you had together. Not to mention that it felt like you passed him on his way to the Hufflepuff Common Room every time you were on your way to the dungeons. You had to do that awkward thing where you say goodbye to someone while you’re still walking the same way, so you just have to speed up to make it look like you were going somewhere with purpose.

You wouldn’t say you hated him. You didn’t. You just didn’t get what the fuss is. Everyone fawning all over his every move. There had been smart, brave, good-looking Quidditch players before, and there would be more in the future. You didn’t talk to him much, but there was no way that all that attention didn’t go directly to his head. That nice and kind thing had to be an act.

And yet, somehow, you find yourself here, in the living room of Cedric’s parents house. This wouldn’t have been your first choice. 

To explain how you got here, you have to explain how you ended up standing next to Tae, holding his hand while your toes wiggle nervously in your shoes. Taehyung was a whole different beast. Similar to Cedric in many ways, but different enough to have caught your eye back in fourth year.

Slytherin had shared classes with Hufflepuff your fourth year, and Taehyung caught your eye. He was always doing silly things with his friends while being naturally good at almost everything. He was a little bit clumsy but incredibly handsome. You pretended to be put off by him, but your teenage heart screamed out for attention from him. You’d never have told your friends, and you openly mocked him in class if he messed anything up. One day after class, he confronted you about why you hated him so much.

“You’re joking?” you spat at him, trying not to give away your emotions in your voice.

“No, I’m not. What did I ever do to you?” he asked you, keeping you cornered enough that you couldn’t easily slip around him.

“I don’t hate you,” you mumbled, unable to keep up the game.

“You...you don’t?”

“No. I’ve got like...a thing for you or whatever. It doesn’t matter. I hate you because I want to kiss you or whatever. Go away.” The words just kind of spilled out of your mouth, and you almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculous flow of words. Oh well. This is who you are. Awkward and averse to emotions.

“Oh,” he blurts out. “Oh!”

You felt the heat in your face with embarrassment, and you closed your eyes, breathing deeply.

“Yep. Okay. I gotta go.” You tried to push past him without actually touching him, but he stopped you.

“Well, don’t you want to know how I feel?” he asked.

You raised your eyebrows, and your mouth fell slightly open.

“I mean...I don’t know you that well, but I’d like to.” He smirked as he said it.

And that was it. It was over for you from that moment on. You were wrapped around his long, lithe fingers, and he seemed to be imprinted on you. The two of you bonded and shared everything over the following years, so that when it came time to build your life, you of course built it together.

And yet, even though you were tremendously happy with Taehyung, there were needs that you felt like weren’t always met with Taehyung. Sometimes sexually, sometimes interpersonally. Taehyung is so kind and caring, but at times, he struggles to listen to your problems without wanting to fix them. He always feels like he has to jump up and do something about it. You want to be more experimental in bed, and you know that he misses the physical connection with men.

And long story short, that’s how you ended up here. In Amos Diggory’s living room, waiting awkwardly for Cedric to come downstairs. Your fingertips brush against Tae’s palm without taking his hand into yours. You shift your weight between your legs, hearing the slight swish of your pants rubbing together.

After you’d graduated from Hogwarts, Taehyung and Cedric had both taken jobs at the Ministry of Magic. They were starting next week. You’d decided to work in your uncle’s apothecary where you could work with plants and potions all day long, living the true green witch life you’d always wanted.

You had agreed to come with Taehyung to collect Cedric and take him to his new little flat in the middle of London. It was near yours, and you were all able to get quickly to The Ministry and Knockturn Alley quickly. You avoided telling people that the shop you worked in was in Knockturn Alley because they always associated it with the Dark Arts. You especially felt nervous when Amos Diggory asked what you did, and you couldn’t come up with an answer. Taehyung jumped in saying you worked at the family apothecary, a small place he’d probably never heard of. The three of you then talked about potions and ingredients for a while until Cedric finally appeared at the bottom of the steps.

He had a large bookbag with him, and he announced that he had used magic to transport the rest of his luggage to his new place. You didn’t see why he couldn’t just use magic to transport himself there too. Ya know, by himself. But you’d already argued with Tae about it enough, and you didn’t have a good enough reason besides “I don’t wanna” to not go help him out.

Cedric smiles huge at you and Taehyung then gives his dad a big hug. His dad claps him hard on the back and tries to cover up the fact that he's getting misty-eyed. Eventually, you all say your goodbyes, and you are headed back to London.

On the train, Tae and Cedric chat happily and excitedly, speculating about their upcoming jobs, bosses, and coworkers. They will both be working in the Department of International Magical Cooperation. They discuss the opportunity for working abroad in the future, though to begin with they will likely be staying in London, doing grunt work. They are both so excited and giddy that you can’t help but catch a little bit of the bounciness.

When you reach Cedric’s flat, you and Taehyung agree to help him unpack, though with magic, it isn’t too difficult. You reflect on moving as a kid from Mexico all the way to England. There was so much work involved, and you couldn’t help but feel out of place for 3 or more years. Even now, you still feel a little out of place. 

With a few waves of your wands, the rooms are set up, looking like a cozy, young adult’s flat, hardly showing any traces that the occupant just moved in today. You look around at each other and smile, feeling accomplished. The smile on Cedric’s face and the eye contact that he makes with you makes you heat up in the cheeks again. You feel embarrassed that you felt a lurch in your stomach and slight heat between your thighs.

This was the first time that you’d ever felt anything but contempt for him. You internally roll your eyes at yourself. You refuse to become just another girl fawning over Cedric Diggory. No matter how cute he looks with his hair all mussed from running his hands through it. No matter how much your eyes can’t keep from tracing the shape of his pectoral muscles under his tight t-shirt.

You realize this is the first time that you’ve seen Cedric not in his school or Quidditch robes. You decide that is what has got you feeling some type of way today. He just looks different in regular clothes. Your brain is just trying to figure out and judge the switch. You finally bug Tae into heading home. You wish Cedric a fairly cold farewell and head toward the Tube.

Weeks later, you have settled into your new routine with Tae. You’d been working at the apothecary all summer, but Tae just started his job. It was a shift, him not always being home when you got home, but it gave you a chance to work on making your house more cozy. Even though Tae is the Hufflepuff, you were constantly trying to make everything in your house feel homey, filled with plants, throws, and tea.

Cedric has come over several times for dinner, and you’ve felt yourself warming to him. There was less pressure to feel like you had to not just be another girl fawning over him because you weren’t in school dealing with the popularity contests that teenagers always feel like matter. You’ve realized that it doesn’t matter how other people perceive him or if you behave differently than them. You can like who you like and be fond of who you’re fond of.

The last two times that he’d been over, you all had sat on the slightly-too-small-for-three-people couch, with you in the middle, and watched movies. Tonight, Cedric was over, and the three of you were once again on the couch. Tae had his arm around you, and you were leaning more toward him, so as to not make Cedric uncomfortable. Your thigh was still touching his lightly, but you tried to give him as much space as you could.

You are watching Caddyshack because someone had told Tae that it was an American classic that you had to see, and you love Bill Murray. It was funny, but you’re not sure that you would call it a must-see. 

When Bill Murray says, “sir, if I kill all the golfers, they’ll lock me up and throw away the key,” Cedric laughs deeply from his chest, and he throws his hands up. When they come back down, one hand is resting on your knee. You don’t think the moment was funny enough to warrant that response, sure a sharp exhale through your nose or even a chortle would have been appropriate, but right now, you can’t think of anything other than the warmth and pressure of his hand on your knee.

You stare at it for a moment. It doesn’t feel wrong, so you decide to let it stay. A moment later, Tae puts his hand on your other knee. You are acutely aware of the differences in the way their hands feel but how both make you feel wanted and cared for. Cedric rubs his thumb in small circles over your skin, showing you that he knows what he’s doing and it’s on purpose. You look down at your lap, and while both men have their palms and most fingers resting on your skin, their pinky fingers are in a delicate dance together, constantly touching one another. Your breath catches in your chest. You realize that you’d never asked Tae what he thinks about Cedric or the possibility that he might want to be with a man as well or instead.

“Uh...Tae, can you come help me with something in the bedroom really quickly, please?” you blurt out, popping up quickly from where you sit. Both of the men stare at you with shock from the sudden change in your demeanor.

Upon shutting the door behind him, Tae looks up at you with a curious questioning in his eyes.

“Tae, are you happy with our relationship?” you ask hastily.

“What? Yes, of course I am!” He sounds defensive.

“I just want to make sure that this is what you want because if you want something else, I understand. We have discussed that at some point we might want to explore other things. I just don’t want to hold you back or anything.”

“yn, no. You’re not holding me back. Is this about Cedric?” he asks.

“I mean...a little bit.” You twiddle your fingers like a cliche, but you can’t help it.

“Look, I didn’t know how to bring it up without making it seem like I didn’t want you. Cedric and I really click, and lately, the two of you have been vibing more. He and I have discussed it, and we wanted to talk to you too.” He sighs and places his hand, the same hand that had been on your knee, on your shoulder.

“‘It?’ What is ‘it?’”

“It being...us starting a relationship with Cedric. Romantic styles.” His voice shakes slightly as he says it, the pauses between words longer than usual.

“Oh!” you exclaim, unable to contain your surprise. You hadn’t even considered that.

“Please, take your time and think about it, baby.” He kisses you on the forehead and reaches down to grab your hand.

You nod, and you do mean it, even though you don’t have the words for it. You open the door and let him lead the way back to the couch. You sit rigid, all of your muscles feeling engaged because you are trying not to suggest anything with your body language.

The evening ends more awkwardly than it started, but you manage to be less frigid than you had been in the past to Cedric. You think that trying to be cool has made you much less cool than usual, which isn’t much anyway. 

You and Tae don’t talk much as you get ready for bed, silently brushing your teeth while looking at each other in the mirror in the bathroom. You slip into your pajamas then lift the blanket to snuggle up under it. Taehyung lays out his clothes for tomorrow and slides in next to you. He wraps his arms firmly around you, pulling you to his chest. His lips plant on your hair on the side of your head, and he gently rests his chin against your head. The two of you stay like that for what feels like a long time until you start to drift off to sleep.

You take your time thinking about Tae’s proposal of a relationship with Cedric. The three of you do vibe together very well, and you don’t even try to deny that you’re attracted to Cedric anymore. The three of you have a lot of fun together. You know that being in a relationship with two people doesn’t mean that Tae will love you any less or you’ll love him any less. You had always liked the idea of a poly relationship to meet all the needs that may not have been met by one person, even if you were deeply in love with them.

“Okay,” you say one morning while eating a piece of toast, sitting at the bar counter of the kitchen in your pajamas.

“Okay?” Tae asks, not turning from the French press that has his attention.

“Okay, let’s give Cedric a shot.”

You are resolute and trying to be as neutral as possible. You don’t want to sound too enthusiastic and make Tae feel bad. You don’t want to sound too reluctant and make him think that maybe you don’t actually want to do this.

“Really?” He turns toward you, his eyebrows raised as high as you’ve ever seen them.

“Yes, really. Let’s have him round for dinner tonight, so we all can talk about it,” you state, getting up from your seat, planting a kiss on Tae’s lips, then heading back to your room to get dressed.

The conversation with Cedric goes more smoothly than you could have ever prepared for. All three of you laid out your expectations and desires from the relationship. Cedric was the kind of person who would just listen to your problems without trying to solve them, not that you didn’t love Tae for trying, but sometimes you just wanted him to listen. He was also open to experimenting sexually with both of you. He also gave Taehyung a partner to talk to about both wizard and muggle sports, as they were not really your thing. It felt good to say what you wanted and to also set clear boundaries with these two men that you cared deeply for.

After the conversation, Cedric rounded the table and kissed you on the lips. His lips were thinner than Tae’s, but the passion behind them was different too. He then kissed Taehyung, and then you and Tae kissed. It felt natural. The three of you sat there holding hands for a minute or two just looking at each other and smiling. You stood up and pulled Cedric toward you, wrapping your arms around his neck, kissing him as deeply as you’d wanted to that first night that he put his hand on your knee.

His mouth follows yours, tongue dancing with yours as his fingers lace into your hair on the back of your head. Tae settles into the space behind you, his chest against your back. His hands search Cedric’s arms, shoulders, and neck. Cedric’s hand that isn’t in your hair brushes over your shoulder and cradles Tae’s face as it rests on you.

The three of you continue in this configuration, turning so different mouths can explore each other over and over, until Tae pulls away and leads you both by the hand to the bedroom. This is so familiar and so foreign to you. You’ve been with Taehyung intimately in your bed countless times, but it’s the first time that you are going to be with someone else with him.

You stand in the middle of the floor in your room, with your toes wiggling in anticipation like they had at Cedric’s house that day over a month ago. Cedric pulls your dress over your head while he stands behind you. Taehyung kneels down in front of you, kissing your belly then each of your thighs. He pulls down your panties, letting you step out of them before tossing them aside. He kisses the tender skin at your hip bones then runs his finger tip over your slit, barely touching the skin, teasing you.

He stands and kisses Cedric hard while you stand nake watching them. Tae pulls Cedric’s shirt over his head and tosses it with your panties, then he peels off his own, adding it to the growing pile. Soon enough, the two of them are in the underwear, and you are leaning back on the edge of the bed. Cedric situates himself between your legs, putting them up on his shoulders, and pulls your ass right up to the edge of the bed.

HIs tongue laves over your sensitive bud, licking at the arousal that you know has pooled there. He licks you from your perineum to the top of your labia then sucks gently at your clit, creating suction there. The sensation overwhelms you as Tae climbs up onto the bed and positions himself near your head. You can see the outline of his hard bulge against his underwear, and you can’t keep your hands off of it. You stroke it lightly through the fabric until you get frustrated, moaning from the pleasure between your legs, then you pull his cock out from its fabric prison, letting your hand savor the smooth, hot skin of his hard dick.

Cedric pauses and lifts his head from between your legs. You look down at him, and he’s smiling, simply watching your stroke Tae. You gesture for him to come up to you. He climbs up on top of you and kisses your lips gingerly. He tastes like you, and it turns you on even more that that’s the taste on his tongue. Tae leans down and kisses him, moaning and smacking his lips. 

“Baby, you taste so good,” he groans.

Cedric leans a little further over you and wraps his lips around Tae’s cock while your hand is still stroking him. The two of you work in tandem to pleasure Tae, and you use Cedric’s spit to lubricate your hand stroking his cock. You can’t help but feel like Cedric has been left out.

“Lie down on your back,” you say to Cedric, and he looks at you sideways with Tae still between his lips. “Please.”

He obliges and resituates himself so his head is on the pillows. You pull his underwear down, the last remaining item of clothing finally removed. You position your mouth over his cock and let the spit fall from your lips slowly on to it. The three of you watch it, and it feels like it’s happening in slow motion. Once you’ve soaked him completely you use your hand to smear your spit around on it. Then you straddle his hips, positioning yourself directly over him. His cock isn’t circumcised, so you know that he’s so much more sensitive than anyone you’ve been with before. You slowly sink down onto him, letting him fill you up. You pulse slightly, then let your pussy adjust.

While you’re adjusting to Cedric’s cock, Taehyung positions himself, so his cock can slide into Cedric’s mouth.Cedric eagerly takes it back into his mouth, licking and sucking it excitedly as you settle onto his cock. You start to roll your hips and run your fingers down Taehyung’s back that’s toward you. You ride Cedric’s cock until you are shuddering from the sensation of your clit rubbing against him and his cock dragging against your sensitive spots inside. 

You can feel Cedric’s cock start to twitch inside of you, and Taehyung’s thrusts into Cedric’s mouth are growing less rhythmic and more desperate. You continue to bounce up and down on Cedric’s cock, trying to coax and orgasm out of him. He and Taehyung cum at the same time. He spills inside of you, and Tae paints the inside of Cedric’s mouth, some getting on the outside and on his cheek.

Tae giggles softly and wipes the cum off of Cedric’s face. He takes his finger and offers it to you, and you suck it clean, enjoying the taste of Tae’s salty, musty ejaculate. A familiar and comforting taste on your tongue. You dismount Cedric and curl up on the bed in front of him. He wraps his arms around you as Tae settles in behind him, wrapping his arms so he’s holding both of you.

The three of you lie there quietly for a while, cuddling and enjoying the afterglow of your sex, then Cedric speaks.

“I’m so happy to be with you two. This is all I’ve ever wanted or needed.”

You smile and turn to kiss him on his lips. You snuggle back in deeply to his embrace, and you know exactly what he means in that moment. You are looking forward to what the future will hold for the three of you together.

#btswritingcafe #ksmutclub #bangtanarmynet #vantaenet #noonasinnetwork #taehyung x reader #taehyung smut #hogwarts bts #bts hogwarts au #bts smut

[vickylamore]

Enemy Of The Wolves [1]

TW: Language, Violence, Misogyny, Underlines of Sexisms

Pairing: [slight] Mark Lee x Female Reader, NCT OT23 [Mostly platonic] x Female Reader

Genre: Action, Military Style AU, Organized crime AU, Mafia AU.

(1/?) Part 2 Part 3

Word Count: 5k

[Main Masterlist] [Enemy Of The Wolves - Mini Masterlist]

Summary: Not only were you one of the few females to be apart of Neo Culture Technology’s underground organized crime association, you were also the only and top ranked female captain in the entire industry. Even if you worked in a majority male industry, you earned respect from nearly every one of your male counterparts. All but one. That one not only exposed your name to one of NCT’s worst and most vicious rivals but signed NCT’s entire demise. Only one group will prevail, the other left in ruins with no chance of recovery.

Notes: Happy 200 followers! This was in my drafts for so long, it’s embarrassing. Technicallt speaking, it’s suppose to be a oneshot and has 22k words to it be I know yall won’t read it LNAOSJA so I’m dividing it in parts hehe. This is more of a corrupt military turned into an undeground organized crime association :)

Disclaimer: Please remember that this is a work of fiction and solely fiction. Any of the idols written and mentioned in this series would never take part in these actions, let alone stand by/condone them. The idols mentioned are merely used as characters and in no way am I saying that this is how they act in real life.

“If you even try pointing that damn pistol at me, I will kill you.” You pulled off your hoodie so you aren’t attacked and mistaken as an intruder, noticing that two of your men already had their hands on their pistols. Your lips crack into a smile as you walk into the academy’s teacher’s lounge. You had just come back from a mission overseas in Canada, arriving in Seoul only a couple of hours ago. You wanted to visit the D.R.E.A.M.S most efficient team before reporting back to Taeyong.

You had been recruited in Neo Culture, a once high ranked military facility who went off the grids when they started getting involved into illegal activity, at the age of fifteen when you were spying on them multiple times for a man (who is now dead, not because you killed him or anything) who paid you a hefty amount of money for the information you were feeding him. It was happening for a couple of weeks until a soldier in training in D.R.E.A.M.S, a person you are currently training, found out about you. Long story short, they reported you to the higher-ups and they made (as they, you mean Johnny, Taeil and Taeyong) them talk to you.

By talk, you truly mean kidnap you and force a deal; work with them/recruit you or you die.

Obviously, you wanted to live. That’s why you’re where you are right now; the co-head alongside Mark Lee and top female captain at Neo Culture.

D.R.E.A.M.S are a unit made by Neo Culture as a way to recruit youth with no home, an unstable life or on the run and offer them a home in exchange for full loyalty to the organization. The teenagers and young adults are trained to become soldiers before graduating from the academy and then are relocated either in the 127 unit or the Japanese base with Yuta, who just recruited a new . Soon, however, they’ll open a base in China for more soldiers to be relocated there. As of right now, only WayV is there.

The D.R.E.A.M.S is composed of ten levels (also known as tiers), ten being the lowest level and one being the highest. Each tier had a specialty that tests your knowledge, physicality, communication, comprehension, real life-like simulations on the battlefield etc. 

The the first tier students who are apart of the only squad of D.R.E.A.M.S but are highest-ranked students are called the Dreamies composed of; Huang Renjun who specialized in negotiations and investigations, Jeno who specialized in close-range fighting underground boxing, Haechan in weaponry and long-range fighting/combat, Jaemin in the art of escaping, Chenle in explosives and chemicals and Jisung in coding. Note that they’re still students, just the best of the best and are used to fulfill missions and tasks… and graduate. They all learned from the best; you. 

This was all made by the General of Neo, Lee Taeyong.

Taeyong’s family, one of the top military families, was involved in an incident that forced them to turn their military base into a secret hideout for men and women who practiced illegal activities. After three generations of doing so, Taeyong’s father decided to build the academy, created one of the top grossing underground criminal facilities that practiced a military style regime and named it Neo Culture Technology.

“Ew,” Haechan complained while turning to you, “not you being back.” You scoffed under your breath as you hugged Jisung, the first to come to greet you.

“What do you want me to do? Leave?,” you asked while hitting him across his head, “It’s not like you could magically make my body disappear.”

“We could bury you six feet under,” you turned to the second oldest of the Dreamies, a smirk on his face as he sat in a chair reading a book, “slow death as you run out of oxygen.”

“You just gave me flashbacks from when I was 17,” your skin crawled as you sent Renjun a disgusted glance, “never again, thank you.”

“PTSD type beat.” You turn around to roll your eyes at Jeno. He only shrugged, a smirk tugging his lips, “what? Did I lie?”

“Alright, alright,” Mark got up from his seat to give you a hug, one that was longer than usual. You didn’t blame him though, you haven’t seen each other nor called in nearly two months. You melted into his touch, smiling softly in his embrace. You rolled your eyes at the Dreamies in front of you, some of them making kissing faces. 

“The hug never happened,” you mouthed. “I will hunt each and every one of you down if anything gets out.” Jaemin chuckled under his breath but quickly threw his hands in the air at your raised eyebrows.

“How was it? What happened?” Mark, who was completely clueless at what just happened, asked while pulling away.

You ran a hand through your black and silver hair, a light sigh escaping your lips, “it was fine, a bitch but it was fine.” You responded, shutting down any possibility to talk about your information. “Plus, it’s classified until I talk to Taeyong.”

The Dreamies looked at you in slight worry. Usually, you’d tell them everything that happened on your mission, it was a report thing you will do since one day, they would be going on month-long missions of their own; they’d gained information on what to expect. Yet, this time, you didn’t want to talk about it.

“You good?” Asked Mark, his hands holding yours. 

Do you mention that you and Mark were rather close, especially as captains in one of the deadliest and dangerous industries in the world? Of course, no one knew about this with the exceptions of the squad in front of you. You would rather cease to exist if word got out that both heads of the academy frequently flirted with each other.

You nodded, though hesitantly and sent him a small smile, “but how are my students? How are the classes going?”

You quickly changed the subject and the youngsters didn’t question it. Mark did look at you skeptically but you only shook your head when you caught his glance and he finally let it go. “Your students are a lot nicer than I remember. Though some of them haven’t changed.”

You nodded at his response, knowing exactly who he’s talking about. Even if you were the head of the D.R.E.A.M.S unit, you still had classes you had to teach. It was your choice and it’s not like Taeyong wanted to refuse, so instead of being cooped up in your office, he let you keep teaching the students. Because most of your specialties were already being taught by other instructors, you decided to teach strategies on the battlefield as well as fighting and defense with Mark, who also taught at the academy. You taught those classes to the tenth and second-tier students, their ages ranging from thirteen to nineteen. Even if you were rather lenient with your tenth tier students, the second tier was really where you were a lot harsher and blunt towards the students.

A lot of students respected you, especially the female students. Of course, they were a few that got on your nerves but it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle. A small group of people who didn’t respect you were the students in the second tier, the people who were friends with the male who found out about you when you were fifteen.

“You’re talking about Jihoon and his friends huh?” 

Jeno rolled his eyes and nodded his head. “You could hear Mark screaming at them at least once a day, especially Jihoon.”

“He had the audacity to talk shit about you while you were away and Jisung almost fought him.” you snapped your head at the younger, who was on his phone during Chenle’s report. 

“Correction,” Renjun added, clearing his throat, “we almost fought them and he did fight him, blow to the nose.”

“He deserved it.”

“No, he didn’t,” you huffed out and closed your eyes, already feeling the annoyed look from Jisung.

“Yes, he did-”

“Maybe he did but you’re still my student and so is he and the rest of you,” you said bluntly, sending him a disappointed look. “He gets on my nerves all the time but I rather deal with him than fighting him. You probably proved whatever he tried to point out.”

“What did you say?”

You snapped your head at the Mark, who turned his laptop towards you. On the device was a video playing of your squad practically on fire while glaring at your group of mischievous second tier boys. The film was recorded on a top notch hidden camera in the field outside, you only knew this because of the amount of times you’ve seen the cameras. The video was from a few weeks back, long before you were supposed to come back.

“You heard me, Jeno.” One of the boys, Chris, smirked in the video, cracking his knuckles. “Or do your ears not work?”

“Maybe they don’t,” the leader of the Dreamies shrugged, a deep glare crossing his face, “if you say it again motherfucker, I’ll actually pay attention and knock your teeth out.”

“As if,” another, Chan laughed, “you won’t do shit.”

“You forgot that he’s a boxer dumbass,” Jaemin snarled, “and that he gets most of his power from anger.”

Renjun cut in, “go ahead, make him mad. Won’t be hard to bury your body six feet under.”

“Or burn it, dissolve it, amputate your dead body limb by limb,” the second youngest of the Dreamies deadpanned from where he was sitting on the grass, “again, won’t be that much of a challenge.”

“Guys, let’s just leave them alone.”

“Shut up Ezra,” Hyunwoo snarled, running a hand through his hair, “you won’t do shit.”

“Especially with that brat of a captain you have.” Jihoon laughed, “which reminds me, didn’t she sleep with the General so that she could be ranked captain or did she ask with her perfect princess little ass and they handed it to her like a lollipop?”

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“The rest is basically them going back and forth before Jisung through a punch.” 

Were you surprised? No, not really. Upset? Yeah. A lot, actually.

Jisung sulked while leaning against the wall, mumbling under his breath, “well Taeyong said that what I did was justified-”

“You weren’t supposed to say that you idiot-”

“I’m sorry, Taeyong said what?” You cut Haechan off with your hand while looking at Mark. “He said it was justified?”

“He only said that ‘cause he witnessed it,” the co-head of the academy crossed his arms, “wanted to talk to the Dreamies for whatever reason then stumbled onto them fighting.”

Your eyes widen while looking at Jisung. “You did not punch my student in front of my boss.” You scoffed under your breath, irritation rising in your chest. You weren’t as disappointed as you previously were since Taeyong said that it was okay (more or less) but you still were frustrated that this happened while you were gone. “Can’t say I’m disappointed, not even surprised since he had it coming.”

“Told you she wouldn’t be mad.”

“However,” you looked at Jaemin to shut him up before glancing at Jisung again, “I don’t condone fighting among my top tiers, you out of everyone should know that, especially since you’re not only my student but in the only D.R.E.A.M.S squad to exist.” You saw him sigh and look at the floor, upset that he was scolded by you. “Just don’t do it again alright?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Just please tell me you broke his nose,” you asked with an eyebrow raised as a smile tugged his lips. “Yeah, I did.”

“Don’t tell anyone I’m proud.” You gave him a fist bump and rubbed his head, dishevelling his hair. The rest of them chuckled under their breaths as you walked towards the exit. You turned around while glancing at Mark, “anything else I should know?”

The co-Captain shook his head, “other than that, nothing really happened. Your tenth tier class is progressing rather well and quickly too; in a couple of weeks, they should be ready for their passing exam to get to tier nine. Your second-tier class is doing great as expected and is excelling as well. The only thing you should check out Jihoon’s group of friends and himself, they’ve been getting more and more destructive in class lately.”

You raised a brow, your head slightly tilting in confusion, “destructive? How so?”

Jeno answered for him, “a lot more arguments with the teachers than usual, they’ve been disrespecting the younger students as well.”

“Can you guys stop cutting me off-”

“Not to mention the fight he and I had; saying that you did nothing but exist and people gave you what you wanted. Explaining to his friends that you were probably a traitor and you didn’t deserve your position as head of the D.R.E.A.M.S, our captain and the top captain in the association.” Jisung smiled sarcastically, picking at his nails.

“But other than that, it’s great,” Renjun concluded while shrugging his shoulders.

You nod your head with a bitter chuckle escaping your lips, “did not expect them to act out while I was away…” you snarled under your breath, almost expecting more from the boys. You sigh before opening the door, “alright thanks guys, I’ll see you back at the dorm.” Some of them smiled at you while the rest waved.

“Oh, and just because I came back today doesn’t mean I’ll postpone training,” you reminded, “tomorrow morning, five am sharp, don’t be late.” You laughed when you heard them groan, closing the door behind you.

--

It didn’t take too long to reach the main hall where most students were. You needed to pass through the living space in order to get the other building where Taeyong’s office was; it was easier than going outside. The living space was huge, it basically occupied an entire floor. It was basically a dining half with various rooms such as lounging rooms, study rooms, a library and mini-training rooms. This is where all the tiers commune before they go to their respective buildings for classes and dorms. The buildings were connected, which were blocked by heavy-duty doors and a handprint passcode that only unlocked for the Dreamies, WayV and 127, the symbol of wolves branded on each door.

“Ms. Song!” You turned around and was met with a hug from one of your youngest students. Lia hugged you tightly and started giggling out of happiness. You usually don’t hug your students yet Lia was one of your many exceptions. She was the youngest female in tier ten, therefore making her the youngest female trainee in the D.R.E.A.M.S. Although her age, she was very intelligent and agile for a fourteen-year-old. You knew that if she continued as such, she’d be top of her classes in no time. “I missed you so much! How was your mission? What happened? What information did you gather? Who did you meet?”

You laugh at her excitement, “alright Lia, I missed you too but you know I can’t tell you that. Though, I can ask about your well being, how are you doing?”

She pushed her glasses up and pushed the hair out of her face. Her light brown eyes shined as she quickly explained everything that happened in the last two months. “...and then Ms. Kim taught us how to make a fire out of electrical wires and it was really interesting. Captain Lee also told me that my agility gives me an advantage when I train with him and other trainees. I almost took him down too… almost but Captain is really strong so it was really hard! But I tried even harder and next time I’ll get him!” You laughed at her enthusiasm and ruffled her playfully.

“I’m glad you’re doing great Lia, I’m proud of you.” Her eyes lit up at your compliment as she quickly nodded her head and soon, more students surrounded you at the sight of your presence.

Most of them were your current tenth tier students (some of them were in class with other teachers), glad to see their mentor back and safe at Neo Culture. They told you about what happened in each of their classes and their own experiences in their dorms and how they progressed as individuals. Some who came towards you were your older students, some of them in tier four and five, expressing how they were glad to see you.

“Yo Ms. Song!” you turned your head towards the voice and your eyes quickly landed on the group of problematic students; Jihoon, Chris, Chan, Hyunwoo and Ezra. You nodded at the students as they came forward, the lower-ranked students moving aside to make room for them. Lia moved behind you, joining her friends on the sidelines.

“Captain Song to you,” you instructed, your arms behind your back as you straighten your posture.

“Ah, don’t be like that,” Jihoon sulked, his gaze landing on Lia. “Ms. tenth tier just called you Ms. Song, what’s the harm if we did it?” You lifted a brow at his tone which was a lot less playful and more irritated than anything.

Your once happy and less strict expression quickly turned cold as you took a few steps towards him and his little friend group, “you must understand that you and your fellow classmates are in one of the highest-ranking tiers. Therefore, you do not have the same privileges as your younger peers. You will address me as Captain Song since you are older and therefore, more prone to listen to orders or am I mistaken?” You lifted a brow as you questioned him and he quickly got quiet.

“No, Captain, you are not mistaken.” His friends answered for him as he clenched his jaw. 

“Good,” you nodded while clearing your throat. “I’ve also been informed that you five have been causing more trouble than usual… mind explaining?” you glanced at each of them but they looked away. Though, Jihoon looks at you dead in the eyes, almost testing your authority. You scoff under your breath, finding him extremely disrespectful. “None of you have nothing to say?”

“That’s because we don’t need to.”

It was now dead quiet in the lounging area, every student who wasn't in their classrooms or dorms were now looking at you and the group of boys. It was a heavy silence since it was rare for you to be so serious in a usually happy setting such as the lounge. As you said before, a lot of the students were under your care when they first got here and are currently second-tier students. Only a handful have tested you and most of them haven’t stepped over your authority.

Until now.

“I beg your pardon,” you said coldly, almost daring him to repeat what he said.

“I said we don’t need to answer you,” one of your eyebrows raised as you stared at him for a few seconds before chuckling slowly.

“And why is that cadet?”

“Jihoon-” Ezra, one of his friends, tried to stop him from continuing further, “stop, you’re embarrassing us.” But he continued anyway.

“We- I don’t need to answer to someone I’m older than, to a potential traitor, to someone who didn’t even train as long as most of us here and let you alone you… a female.”

His words cut through the air like glass; like silent gunshot echoed through the tense atmosphere. You heard the students gasp in shock, some of them whispering amongst each other. You maintained eye contact with him as his chest heaved in what you presume was anger. You waited a few seconds before asking,

“Are you done?” You didn’t even bother saying his name since you are so close from lashing out at him in front of all of your students. You sigh as you walk towards him as he doesn’t say anything, “I’m going to take that as a yes.”

You inhale softly, calming your irritated nerves and looked at the second tier student with all the coldness and hostility you could muster, making him take a step back from you. He was taken aback from your gaze, having never seen it before; to him, you were looking at him as if he was the enemy.

“You being an entitled, misogynistic, rude and disrespectful student will get you nowhere in Neo Culture, especially with me as your Captain.” Your voice was calm yet cold, gentle yet held so much fierceness that it felt like you could set it on fire. You turned your head to the students who were still talking but it quickly ceased as your gaze fell on the upperclassmen. 

Turning back to Jihoon, you continued, taking small and steady steps towards him, “it does not matter if you are older than me, it does not matter if I am a female and my past certainly doesn’t involve you. My training time has been accomplished faster than your time taking an entrance exam to the next tiers. My training time involved severe physical and mental training which is why I’m not bothered by a little boy who decided to disrespect one of the heads of D.R.E.A.M.S., captain of the Dreamies and highest ranked female captain in all of Neo Culture.”

You heard many of the students ‘ooing’ at your words but you shot them a quick gaze to prevent them from continuing. 

“Just because you’re older than me doesn’t mean you’re stronger, smarter and faster than me, which is why you are still a student. As for me being a traitor; you’re still hung on the incident that happened six years ago, are you not?” You asked with a hint of mockery in your tone. “Of course, if that’s the case, that’s still a grudge you hold. Over what? I don’t know.”

“And don’t you find it a bit embarrassing that another person, younger than you in fact, is currently serving in the 127 unit only months after arriving at the academy?” You knew he thought of Sungchan, the younger male that literally ran his way up the tiers and was working in the association’s strongest unit. “And you’re still here? Six, nearly seven years later.”

You send him a small smirk before it falls completely, “now listen to me very, very carefully.” You whisper yet it felt like a scream from how piercing it was. “If you think that I wiggled my way to the top, you are very, very wrong.” Your voice held venom, the poison dripping from your words. “I made my way to the top, I fought for it and I earned it. It wasn’t handed to me, it wasn’t wrapped in a preppy white box with a ribbon on it. I’m where I am today because I fought for it because I wanted it. Don’t let your little grudges and delusions blind you from hard work and determination.”

“And one last thing,” you said, and turned to the rest of the students. “This goes for all of you too. Pass the message on to your peers; respect, especially in Neo Culture, will get you where you want to be if you fight for it. We rather have a hard-working, respectful and determined student as a soldier rather than an egotistical male who thinks his abilities will get him to the top. It might be a head start, of course, but it won’t get you anywhere if you are selfish and arrogant.” You directed the last part to Jihoon, whose hands were balled into fists.

“Neo Culture is a team and more importantly, a family. I rather see all of you help each other strive than one of you thinking their above another. What’s our motto?”

“Never leave a soldier behind.” The students spoke in unison, the motto practically engraved in their heads.

“That’s our motto, it’s not just a saying but a rule we live by.” You glanced back at Jihoon who wasn’t looking at you anymore. “I suggest you fix that little attitude of yours because if it doesn’t get you in trouble with me, it’ll certainly get you in trouble with the General.” 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” you snarled, standing right in front of him and watching as the twenty-two-year-old looks at you with envy. “I will not tolerate any kind of disrespect from you or anyone else. Refrain from any attitude or rudeness you want to use when talking to me. If not, I invite you to talk to Taeyong the same way.”

“Is that a threat?”

“I don’t need to mention Taeyong to make it one.” You simply state, lifting your head a bit to notice Yuta at the very end of the everlasting hall, watching you handle everything from a distance. “Do I make myself clear?”

You turned to the students, all of them agreeing at the same time, even the four boys who are Jihoon’s friends. “Do I make myself clear, Jihoon?” You asked again, waiting for the male’s response.

“Yes, Captain.” You hummed after hearing his answer. You look behind him and stare at the rest of his friend group, “I expect you all in my office in thirty minutes to discuss a proper punishment after the little report I received from multiple people, including the lack of respect for your peers and the altercation between the Dreamies and the rest of you. Understood?”

“Yes, Captain,” they said anonymously, their voices loud enough to be heard. “I expect you there as well, Jihoon.”

You took a step back from him and looked at the rest of the students. “You all are dismissed.” And just like that, the students scurried like birds approached by humans. Only a few lingered back, including Lia.

“Captain?” you turned around to see her shaken up by the whole ordeal. “Um-”

“Lia,” you sighed, your arms landing on your sides, “you can still call me Ms. Song, it’s okay.”

“Really?”

You nod your head, “Everyone in tiers five and under can call me Ms, everyone above refers to me as Captain. What was it you wanted to ask?”

Her face lit up again and asked, “I don’t want to bother you or anything but is it okay if you give me extra fighting classes? I want to get better.”

You smiled softly at the girl and said, “it’s definitely possible, I need to check your grades and how you’re advancing in class before coming to that decision. Tell you what,” you say, “I’ll talk to your teachers and see with Mark before coming back to you, give me a couple hours and pass by my office. I'm not promising anything but I need to make sure it won’t interfere with your current training. Alright?”

She nodded her head and smiled brightly at you, “of course, thank you, Ms. Song!” She turned her head to her friends calling her to hurry up. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

You nodded your head as she smiled again, running towards her friends. As soon as she turned the corner, you turned around and started walking towards the door all the way at the end of the living lounge, down an everlasting hallway.

You let out a sigh, the entire ordeal upsetting you to no extent. Of course, it was the male who ratted you out to Neo Culture who’s giving you a hard time. You didn’t care if he disrespected you, what you mainly cared about was him picking a fight with Jisung, who’s one of the top students, and used you to get on your nerves and started picking on the lower-tiered students.

It didn’t benefit him at all, if anything, he was creating a bad image for himself, setting himself up for disaster in the future. Until he’s ready to drop his attitude and ego, you weren’t going to help him, not with the way he currently is.

You finally made it to the end of the hallway, where Yuta was waiting, leaning against the door, an amused look on his face. “I personally think that was a beautiful welcoming gift.”

You rolled your eyes at his attempt to lighten your mood and quickly mumbled, “oh, shut the fuck up.”

He only chuckled under his breath and scanned his hand on the scanner, the once red light turning green as he cleared the authentication. He opened the door and nodded his hand for you to walk into the hall where multiple staircases lead up and down and another door leading to 127’s building.

You and Yuta walked down the ever grey hall leading to the next building. “When did you get back from Japan?”

“A few days ago actually,” he ran a hand through his blond hair, “came back for the monthly report, I’m going back tomorrow. I should be fine here since there’s no tensions between anyone right now and Shotaro’s there so I’m not worried.”

You hummed at the mention of the male, “settling well I presume?”

“Yeah,” Yuta nodded, “a lot better than I thought. He only started a few months back but he’s following, listening to orders and has one hell of a personality.” The man chuckled dryly to himself, as if proud of the younger male despite not admitting it. “How about you?” 

You only let out a puff of air, a headache creeping up on you. “Apart from that whole thing? The mission in Canada was an absolute horror house, I don’t think I’ll be going back on an overseas mission in a while.”

Yuta didn’t even question your response as he planted his hand on the scanner once more. He only looked at you with curious eyes, “that bad, huh?” When you only nodded, he opened the door and waited for you to walk into the building. “Kids?” You sent him a solemn look, one you wish you didn’t need to share. You let out a heavy sigh as you walked through the door.

“Kids.”

#nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct u #wayv #nct x reader #nct u x reader #nct dream x reader #wayv x reader #nct imagines #nct u imagines #nct 127 imagines #wayv imagines #nct dream imagines #nct mafia #nct 127 mafia #nct dream mafia #nct u mafia #wayv mafia #nct mafia au #nct 127 mafia au #nct dream mafia au #nct scenarios #nct 127 scenarios #nct dream scenarios #wayv scenarios #vickylamore #enemy of the wolves

[alittlefrenchtree]

l know you don't want to talk about PR, but if you were managing Timmy's PR , how would be your way to do it ? Cause tbh his team his horrible about it.

Hey there! I love this "I know that you don't want to talk about this, but let's ignore that and talk about it anyway" vibe you're giving here, Nonny 😁 (Don't worry, I'm kidding. I don't mind at all 😉)

It's not that I don't want to talk about PR. I love talking about PR in general ways. I've always been interested in marketing, public images, public relation strategy, etc. It's just that, I now try to avoid talking about Timmy's because I realized it kills the conversation pretty quickly. I was trying to talk about things, marketing concepts that are well known and studied and used (I was going to say by every business, but now it's literally everyfuckingbody with social media including your own mom) and yet, the moment I start talking about Timmy's one and how Timmy seemed to be slightly shifting his image at this or that moment, why and how he could need this or that right now, the majority of what I get in return in my inbox is "you keep saying he's lying all the time and fake, why are you still pretending to love him" or "hahahaha totally agree with you, he's a slut for fame and a fake guy, let's roast him together" and I'm just "why do I even bother writing something if nobody is going to read it anyway?" (because I like reading myself write, that's why I bother 😬). It makes me want to scream at someone's, or like at said before, multiple someones. Then I remember it's the Internet and you never know when you're talking to an innocent 13 yo so, it's ok. (If you're 13 yo and love Timmy, you're right. I'm the liar, he has never lied or do something he didn't like just for work, never fart in his entire life. He's the prince charming, keep dreaming. Everything is good. We'll talk again in 10 years.) Surprisingly enough, I don't get as many passionate reaction about pr when Timmy's name isn't mentioned anywhere, so I rather do that now.

And also many people keep thinking or at least acting like PR only means public romance/sex life and it's a) boring b) lowkey insulting for the art of PR so I'm not usually keen to entertain the conversation.

Talking about Timmy's PR is now also frustrating because the majority of the conversations going on about him for over a year have been... so fucking dumb? I get that COVID is to blame in many ways but it would be naive to think that it's the only reason. In every situation, we're doomed to talk about what color is hair is and where he does or doesn't put his dick because that's how things are. Shallow. And I get it's not only the audience's fault and even if it was, it wouldn't be Timmy's audience's fault specifically because it's how human beings generally are, always gossiping. The guy could spend days talking about interesting stuff about himself, his artistic vision, his career, the shitty industry he's evolving in and all people would talk for a month would be "but where does he put his dick???"

And to answer your question(s), I'm pretty sure I've already talked about it in a few asks but since tumblr sucks, it'll be easier to write it again than to look for links. I apologize to those who've read it back then and still remember it.

I don't think his pr team is doing a terrible job. I think they made mistakes, like everybody but they're far from being terrible. Just because you (or I) don't like what we see at this or that point, doens't mean they're terrible. When you have a client who's career looks like Timmy's, who's global image's looks like Timmy's, whose everybody used any excuse to talk about, to be seen with just to be associated with his image because he does has a good image, you can't say his pr team is doing a terrible job. A few hundreds of people on Tumblr or a few thousand on Reedit or Twitter or wherever saying it's terrible doesn't make it terrible. Like I've said before, talent and personality can only make you go so far. The world is full of talented people with sweet personalities. It isn't full of Timothée Chalamets.

That being said, there are three answers to your question.

I could do my PR job according to my personal taste, but then I would be a terrible job as a PR for him. Like if I was listening to me, I would shut his twitter and his instagram accounts for example. But it would be a bad thing to do at the moment. Maybe there will be a window to do that in a few years, but right now it would be tricky. I consume a lot of live content these (and always talking about Twitch, i know) so I maybe it's something I'd like to do that but Timmy would not be very good at it. For him to be, it would entirely re-shaped what it means to be an Hollywood actor so, so kind of time consuming for an unknown and uncertain result.

So yeah, a lot of what I like wouldn't be very fitted with what Timmy is or needs at the moment soooo, maybe I'd be the terrible PR person.

I could do my PR job for him as a human being and I wouldn't change much to what's happening, to be honest.

I could do my PR job for him as an actor who's leading actor on a sci-fi Warner Bros franchise and a big public person and maybe I'd do exactly the same as they are doing right now.

The only important thing I'd do (and hope he has people to do that for him right now) is trying to protect him. There are way to many example of famous people who have been teenagers idols, walking wet dreams for young adults, global superstar when they were teenagers or young adults themselves who come back at thirty saying how difficult it was. How at first it was a dream come true and so cool but that it too quickly turned into a living nightmare. And you probably can't protect these people that much trom constant attention from millions of people, but I think I'd still try. Nobody deserves to be suffering from depression (if not worse or more) by the age of 25 just because their childhood dream happened to become their daily job.

Should I still apologize for the length of my answers or does everybody is used to by rambling by now?

Anyway, thank you for the question, Nonny. Have a nice day 😘

#alft asks #it's pr talk time again

[scaryscarecrows]

Child Safety 101

AN: Continuation of ‘I Think I’ll Just Collapse Right Here, Thanks’, found in Why Do They Kick Me?

Note: Mark is a trauma surgeon, not a GP, but he’s also the only one Jason will let within doctoring range, so.

* * *

The Knight has been down and unresponsive for literal days. The first day was the diciest, because even Mark hadn’t been totally sure if he’d pull through, but his fever had gone down enough to remove him from the danger zone.

Once it had become apparent that he wasn’t going to die on them-because Antoine’s sorry, but no way is he continuing this crusade in the guy’s memory or whatever, if the boss dies, he is leaving-, they’d had a meeting and, essentially, made a chore chart for who had Knightwatch, who had Armywatch, and who got to nap.

It’s a fairly efficient rotation. And so far, at least, they’ve managed to keep the news of, well, everything under wraps. All the men know is that the boss is down but that he will be fine, carry on as normal. They don’t know that the helmet’s off.

And. Oof. Of all the crackpot theories they’ve jokingly tossed around, this wasn’t one of them. Antoine’s not sure which one he’s more stuck on: the fact that the boss is a teenager, or the fact that the boss is-was-Robin. They’re so intertwined that it doesn’t really matter, it’s just…

Antoine is not a parent. He’s happy to keep it that way; the best part of uncle-ing is dosing them up on sugar and releasing them back to the parents. So he doesn’t really get the whole ‘electrical outlets are a Great Danger’ thing. But he does get, maybe a little better than your average parent, the sick, twisted fucks of society. He’s worked with a handful. Spoken with more. He still remembers, years after the fact, that one guy...he ate people. Literally. He’d put a toddler in the oven-alive-and…

Yeah.

But this is a little different. This is...it’s one thing to hear about it. It’s another thing to be faced with it. And it’s another thing entirely to see it. That fucking tape, man…

He stretches out a bit, pops his back and rubs a hand over his side, feeling rough scar tissue. What a week. What an absolute hell of a week.

He’s on Knightwatch now, because everything outside is moving smoothly without him and Frank really, really needs the nap. The boss is finally sleeping peacefully, curled up on his side with one arm flung up to shield his face. He’s still shivering on and off, and he sounds congested as all get out, but the worst of it is over. No more screaming, no more pleading.

What now? He supposes they’ll stay the course, but he’s not sure, not really. Maybe this is the end. Maybe the boss will vanish in the middle of the night.

Jesus, that explains so much. Batman taught him all this weird shit. Batman...this is, arguably, entirely Batman’s fault. What sort of weirdo...never mind. Never mind.

As ever, he figures, this is a nasty combination of neglectful adult and opportunistic predator. This is the same thing as that one girl in his sister’s apartment complex that got kidnapped. Six years old, mother said, ‘yes, yes, go play by the road alone!’ and she got abducted and murdered. Somebody should have been watching her.

Somebody should have been watching the boss.

Doesn’t matter. People are watching him now, at least, whether he likes it or not.

He coughs and rolls over, one arm slipping off the bed. Antoine sighs and puts it back, straightens the sheets out like he’s seen Frank and his sister do, and wonders what’s going to happen now.

They could, he supposes, figure out who he-and by extension, Batman-is. Jimmy could run a facial recognition at the minimum. But they haven’t, and they don’t really intend to. Curious as they are, they owe him their lives and...and no matter how this turns out, he’s their boss and they won’t.

Antoine’s sort of lost in thought, caught up in memories of that little girl (what was her name?) and the cannibal and the utter confusion of everything, when the Knight suddenly jerks upright like he’s gonna make a break for it.

“Shit--”

He twists over and only feels a little sorry for forcing the Knight back down. The sorry feeling vanishes when the boss tries to fight him.

“No--”

“You gotta be kidding me--” It’s not much of a fight, but he’s still trying, which is incredibly unfair. “How even--there.”

Okay. There’s no easy weapons in here, which is all he can ask for. He’s not interested in being held at gunpoint again, thanks.

“You back with us, sir?”

The Knight’s quiet, breathing hard and seemingly very interested in the ceiling.

“We have an intruder,” he says, voice carefully flat. “I want every available unit search--”

Uh-huh.

“You wouldn’t have held this intruder at gunpoint, would you, sir?”

Silence. That’s what he thought. They’re professionals, for heaven’s sake. People don’t just get into their super-secret hidden base. That just doesn’t happen. Their own people have gotten lost trying to find their way back to it! Intruder, humph. That hurts.

…

Yeah, okay, he’s trying to maintain the facade of normalcy. Like. The helmet’s off, man, any weird-ass theories anybody’s had have now been put to rest in favor of the truth. But both of them are probably going to be happier if they just pretend that nothing has changed.

(Which is half-true. Baby Robin or not, the guy’s still scary.)

“What day is it,” he finally says, voice scarcely above a whisper. Antoine hits the call button.

“March third, sir.”

“Shit.”

Yup.

There’s no good response to that and the boss goes slack, one arm flung over his face. A minute later, Mark throws open the door with a grumpy, “What the fuck was that.”

“I--”

“Went the fuck down in the middle of the day thanks to a one-oh-four degree fever,” Mark seethes. “You have. The goddamn. Flu. People die from the flu, straight-up die, and you didn’t think to mention it! I’m not asking for much here. Just a little heads up. Y’know, ‘hey, Jones, I’m feelin’ pretty crappy, think you can poke your head in to make sure I didn’t die in the night?’ ‘Oh, sure thing, boss, happy to help, feel better!’” The smile he plasters on is frightening. The boss doesn’t like it, not one bit, and to Mark’s credit, he drops it pretty quick. “What were you thinking? Anything? Really, I’d love your thought process.”

“‘ve handled worse on my own,” the Knight mumbles, somewhere between sheepish and stubborn. “Thought a walk would clear my head.”

Sad thing is, Antoine believes him. The brand alone is not pretty, and while Mark hasn’t said much, what he has shared is disturbing.

And. Well. It’s not like the boss has been totally silent for the past few days. Once or twice he’d woken up screaming, the kind of awful sound Antoine associates with three-feet-thick walls and Professionals. Hell, Mark had collared Trent to come and look at something, and while neither of them are sharing, that’s Bad. Trent’s not a doctor, but he knows how to hurt people...and what they look like after.

“Well, it made you worse. You’re lucky you didn’t kill someone or yourself, parading around like that. Aight, you sit up, you clear out.”

Gladly.

“Feel better, sir,” he says. “We’ve got things handled out here, so just get some rest.”

“Oh, he doesn’t have a choice. Come on, up-up...be lucky if I let you out of my sight again after this...f’I have to give you weekly check-ups, that’s what’ll happen…”

Fuck Batman, Antoine thinks tiredly. This is his fault, things never should have advanced to the point that his...sidekick...kid...whatever ended up like this. How is Gotham not screaming about kids and guns anyway, huh? That just seems like Child Safety 101. He certainly makes sure all his toys are locked up tight when the niblings are over. He sure as hell wouldn’t give them a dull knife and tell them to, like, fight a trained mercenary. That seems like a terrible idea.

Whatever. It’s not going to go any farther. Boss he might be, but he’s just not going to be allowed to be an idiot, that’s all there is to it. No more vanishing off somewhere for three days, he’ll just have to check in or something. Frank can bully him about that. It’s for his own damn good.

THE END

#Jason Todd #Arkham Knight #Antoine Drouot #Mark Jones #identity reveal #well sorta #they're more stuck on 'Batman let a child fight crime and this happened' #(nobody is happy about it either) #Jason can kiss leaving the base after six goodbye

[fedonciadale]

I am a minor & sansan makes me highly uncomfortable. I have tags/shippers blogged now. But bfr, I saw shippers, who are mostly adults, sexualising sansa, a underaged girl, by drawing nsfw arts with hound, writing abt her 'wet dreams', 'sexual awakening'. If adults love a character who is kid & they are not only sexualising them but also think a grown man who tried & wants to rape her is her perfect match, then they cant ask why I say sansans hate sansa & I am not even a jonsa, just sansa stan

Hi there!

Blocking is the perfect solution. You probably hate me saying it, just because you told me you’re a minor: Please take care in curating your fandom experience. And don’t hesitate to ask people you can trust for help if you need any. I hope this does not come across as condescending. It’s just that I have a teenage son and a daughter who once was a teenager (who was perfectly capable of curating her fandom experience, I think).

As I said in previous asks, we don’t know exactly why this particular shipper has this particular idea. There is something like shipping to cope. I don’t know what personal history is behind them shipping Sansan. There is something like shipping ‘problematic’ ships. Liking something in fiction is not the same as condoning this in real life. That is what tags are there for. 

That is why I am pissed when I see something that was not tagged with the ship name. I can obviously just scroll past, but it makes curating the fandom experience more difficult. To be fair to SanSans: that is very rarely a problem.

So, my problem is the SanSan people who ship them in canon and claim that it is a healthy ship. As you said, there is nothing healthy about a teenager with a grown adult who abused her and was tempted to rape her.

With SanSan I think the problem is, that it probably would be called problematic in any other fandom, but the ASOIAF and GoT fandom is quite strange. I mean there are all kind of really strange ships. SanSan is an old and big ship and has been accepted by the majority of the fandom as ‘basically canon’. And there is a deep set misogynistic bias in the ASOIAF fandom which has led to a general acceptance of Sansa and Catelyn hate - and to a rebuttal of all theories that give Sansa some agency. With SanSan, Sansa is basically out of the way and by association proven to be only a secondary character. This is just to give you some background. So, SanSan being questioned as a canon ship, both for the likeliness of becoming canon and for the desirability of it becoming canon (not talking about fanon) is a (relatively) new development. I think it only happened when it became clear from the show that SanSan is not going to happen.

Thanks for the ask and stay safe and block everything that creeps you out!

#anon ask #Sansa Stark #Anti Sansan #shipping and canon shipping

[conservativetranny]

2020 blog update

Hello. No idea if any of you ‘remember’ me but I do seem to have a fair few followers on here. I managed to access the login information for this account and it is safe to say this blog is dead. I denounce everything I stood for on this stupid shit. 

I’m writing this because it’s what the blog deserves. Not looking to be dramatic, not looking for sympathy, in fact I think i’ll get a bit of backlash for this but bring it on. 

The past and the present- a summary

I had this blog when I was 14, unfortunately way too young to have a social media presence (one which carried any responsibility like this one anyway). No matter what age I said I was, no matter how I portrayed myself or how you, my followers interpreted me, I was a sad young trans guy desperately hoping to look big, cool, masculine and stoic, and that manifested in the most toxic way possible. 

I’m 17 now, still very very young, and after developments in my life, especially pursuing my medical transition and becoming happy within myself, I no longer hold such toxic beliefs as I once did. I am happier with myself and no longer feel the need to sacrifice others’ dignity, respect, and unfortunately sometimes on this blog, privacy, for my own. I was a very insecure, stubborn, and ignorant teenager, who dealt with a lot of denial. I’m not blaming the way I treated people online on other factors, but of course external factors came into play. I was dealing with bullying and insecurity, with parental problems, and with loneliness and depression. I seeked some sort of community, and I wanted to push myself away from the ‘weak’ trans community (the way I viewed it at the time). I wasn’t in denial personally, with the fact that I was trans (being gay is a different story- I was in complete denial with the fact that I’m gay), more just with the way other people viewed me (I will expand on this). I could elaborate on the way in which I viewed other people and the way that projected onto my conduction online, but it is a complex and confusing story. I have completely changed my viewpoint on trans ‘discourse’, I am open minded, I am close friends with people I would have turned my ignorant nose up at years ago. I am so proud to say that I am a completely different person now. I grow every day, it seems, and I can assure that I will never return to this ignorant mindset.

Growth

With experience, I have grown too. Obviously, from 14-17 i have become more mature. I have different experiences now as well, for example, I don’t bind often at all really anymore, because its more comfortable and can sometimes make me more dysphoric to know I am binding. I’m bringing this up because I bet you back when I was active on this blog, I would’ve laughed at the more mature, tolerant me, and probably went on a tyrade about how I was a fake trans guy or less of a man for not binding. I often wonder what ‘old me’ would think of ‘new me’. Now obviously, three years isn’t a hell of a big difference, but to a 17 come 18 year old it is. I understand I am not an adult yet, but I’ve always taken pride in conducting myself with a sense of maturity and articulacy, and for this post and platform especially I feel it is appropriate.

The Truscum Mindset

Back when I ran this blog, I was in an echo chamber of like minded people, which didn’t help my ideological development. I watched youtubers like Blaire White and Kalvin Garrah, who I thought gave me a balanced, moderate, and fair opinion which is clear is not the case. Back then I would’ve scoffed at the idea of Blaire and Kalvin and other similar people as being radical or a gateway, but I urge you, if you feel you are slipping to obsession with those ideologies, to seek to widen your opinions and associations. I understand it’s a fairly niche discourse topic, but for me it opened a wider rabbit hole into the alt right. From wanting to fit into the lgbt and wider communities as a masculine male, this opened up the black hole of the alt right, I browsed (now deleted) subreddits and 4chan boards, and forums that put me in a very negative and dangerous place. If you’d like me to make a post elaborating on this, I am more than happy to, but this post is to address conservativetranny.

Denial and owning up to responsibility

Back in 2017/18, I was very much in denial of certain aspects of myself, especially my sexuality. I am gay. I thought that this was, and especially as a trans guy, a demasculating quality. I still deal with those feelings sometimes, as a lot of young gay guys do, but thankfully it does not manifest itself as toxic as it once did. I just wanted to portray myself online as how I thought I wanted to be viewed-I didn’t want to be viewed like ‘any other trans guy’. I wanted to be different, but now I can appreciate individuality and I can also embrace being trans as well.

I used to think that having alt views was the coolest thing ever, which contributed to my slip into the alt right, something on which I’ll elaborate on in later posts. I am now an advocate for deradicalisation, and being rational, truly rational. I’m also an advocate for maturity and owning up to your mistakes.

I have hurt people, especially in my personal life, throughout my time as a stupid, thoughtless immature teenager and i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for that. I now respect the hell out of those people and unfortunately, but definitely rightfully so, they have lost their respect for me. I don’t blame them, because as I said, up until very recently I was a horrible, toxic person. With maturity, in the past half a year I have been able to own up to my mistakes and I am now taking responsibility for that. No excuses, because I was a shitty person. Of course there is a line between excuses and justification, and I hope those which are reading this can distinguish and appreciate this difference.

Self Hatred and Truscum

Back when I ran this blog, it was very easy to tell I was self hating. Everything I wrote on here, pretty much, was hateful except for the odd two posts that were about something unrelated to my ideology. I was extremely dysphoric and in a bad place when I wrote these things and certainly projected my insecurities onto others. I wanted to find a community of different thinking people that would accept me, and this community was certainly the wrong turn. I had a feeling that it was wrong at the time, but I was too naive and cowardly to own up to it and seek a way out. I kind of just naturally fell out of it, a a lot of things happened in my personal life in late 2018 that forced me out of trans discourse and into much more toxic places like the alt right and true crime fandoms, and I think I’ve only recently ‘found myself’ in the past year or so. I might make a post on self growth on the future as I intend to keep this blog to elaborate and voice my opinions on deradicalisation and highlight the importance of owning up and self awareness.

Don’t fall into the rabbithole

I’m not too acquainted with trans discourse anymore, so I’m out of the loop on this one, but I’d imagine that there’s still ‘transmed vs tucute’ ideas. Kalvin Garrah’s community comes to mind, I haven’t watched his videos ‘as a fan’, if that makes sense, for a while now but I am aware he has a large fanbase of young trans teens that were in a similar mindset to where I was back when I ran this blog. I would love for this post to reach his opposers and supporters for that matter, as a means to show them that they don’t have to fall into this cycle of hate which can be very damaging. I used to be an avid fan of Kalvin, and Blaire White, amongst others. I watched exclusively their content alone and formed my opinions around theirs. If you’re doing that now, I urge you to consider other people when you do. Think about the people like Brennan Beckwith, people who were severely impacted and hurt by hateful rhetoric. Those people are human too, and with maturity you will learn that people with different experiences and views are, at the end of the day, the same as you, and they have feelings as well .I’m going to make a post in the future about Kalvin Garrah, certainly, but maybe Blaire White as well.

Why now?

You may be wondering why this post is being made now of all times, and that is a question that has every right to be asked. I feel as if this timing is right because I finally possess the level of maturity needed to own up to my mistakes and tell you that I was wrong and it was certainly wrong to post those opinions and mistakes online for all to see, and put people in my real life on blast like I did.

I had completely forgotten about this blog, and forgot about the rude and ignorant words I had written towards the people in my real life, until chance had it that I was in contact with one of the people mentioned in this post. [https://conservativetranny.tumblr.com/post/169351517511/no-one-pretends-to-be-trans]

I’m not going to go into the nuances of the conversation we had, but it turns out they had, for a while and definitely rightfully so been hurt by the fact that I had mentioned them, by name, in this post. And while I’d of course still like to keep these people anonymous and will not sacrifice their anonymity in order to tell a story or ‘save myself’, this post is quite funny to read back on as I am good friends with the people referred to as ‘P’ and ‘Shadow’ now.

This is the end of this post, as I feel I have said everything I have wanted to say regarding my previous conduct on this blog. I’m going to change my name on this blog and my bio as I do intend on further posts in the future. I’m not sure how many people, if any, this post will reach, but I’m satisfied I have written this anyway. I certainly do plan on writing future posts but I’m not exactly sure how to formulate them. But thank you so much for reading this far, and if you have, I appreciate it.

#truscum #transmed #ftm #trans #dysphoria #kalvin garrah #kalvin garbage #terf #deradicalisation #i have literally no idea how to tag this #tucute #do people even say that anymore lol

[pinkhairedlily]

The Spring He Came Back

Summary: Momo found herself face to face again with her childhood best friend after he left town ten years ago in the middle of winter. She waited every spring and fervently hoped for his arrival.

Set in an alternative universe where Soul Society is a normal town, and Momo and Hitsugaya are normal adults. 

Author’s note: Hello Tumblr! I’m back to posting fanfictions again. Thank you to @rays-of-fire-and-ice​​​ for hosting HitsuHina Day and being the most loyal blog out there! 

It’s spring again. Hinamori took in the sight of the budding dogwood trees against the backdrop of the setting sun as she rode her bike on the way home. Ten spring seasons, but why am I counting? She sighed, dejected at the trail of her thoughts.

A lot of things have happened within that span of time - the town that was once a cozy enclave of memories has become an escape for the younger, rowdier bunch. This encouraged the rise of businesses that eventually took over natural spaces, like the meadow of daffodils where they used to hide from household chores, the riverfront where they tried to catch fish but they ended up falling anyway, and the hill where they used to stargaze well after the lights were out.

They. Hitsugaya and her. Hitsugaya, the scrawny kid with an ever irritated disposition.

Despite this, she thought herself the same. She had the same hobbies, went to the same market, bought her fruits from that one vendor, ordered her usual in the cafe by the corner of her flowershop which she bought just two years ago. Yet she found herself still waiting.

The next day

Her black tea went cold on the counter. Again. She was so busy updating the accounting books. It was fortunate that customers were scarce today. Just as she was stretching her arms from too much typing, the door to her shop opened.

“Shiro-kun?” His turquoise eyes levelled with her sight, and his face mirrored her shock.

“Hello?” The silver hair caught her eyes first, and then she saw him. The youngest postdoctorate professor of the town. He was featured countless times in major scientific journals and magazines. The most notable, Nobel Prize, just might do a piece on his work on physics.

And yet to her he was still her childhood best friend who disappeared during winter.

Hitsugaya gave a small smile and took a few steps closer to the counter. “Rangiku said this place is the best flower shop. I didn’t know you’re the owner.”

Probably because you went off the deep end when you left at 15. “I didn’t know you’re back.” Hinamori’s hands tried to grab scissors and some ribbons, but they all fumbled from her grasp. “So what flowers do you need?”

He did not reply to her earlier sentence, just stood there awkwardly with his hands inside his jeans’ pockets. She noticed he was a few inches taller than her, his hair quite longer, and his face more angled than what she remembered. He also wore glasses...which was weird because she knew he had a 20/20 eyesight.

“Are you busy? Can you show me around?” He asked instead. Hinamori wanted to shout in response. Why should I have to?

“I don’t think it’s rational that you can come right here and then ask me to give up a day’s business to be your tour guide,” she replied and eventually sighed. “But I guess you can be an exemption."

They walked together in fragile, awkward silence, held together by noise of the crowds. She showed him the top sights in town, reacquainting the stranger with the streets he once frequented before. Eventually, they arrived in front of the library.

“It’s still here, huh?” Hitsugaya stiffened his stance ever so slightly.

She was still the library’s dedicated visitor and reader but not for reasons in the past. While the haunting feelings lingered, I no longer felt guilt and pain, only regret for my younger, naïve self who didn’t know better. That person also left ten years ago. He plagiarized published works, and she was his willing assistant. Teenage shrieks broke through my reverie.

“Dr. Hitsugaya!” “He’s here! He’s the real deal!” “I can’t believe you came back to your hometown. Will you do consultations here?” “Can you sign my copy of your book, Professor?”

Hinamori took a few steps back, wavering from the newfound popularity surrounding Hitsugaya. When the little commotion died down, they found themselves again in company of the fragile, awkward silence. She was wondering if he wanted to go here to spite her.

“Do you despise me?” Momo suddenly blurted out. She kept her gaze on the library building, on its red brick walls, and the ivy leaves trailing its surfaces. On her periphery, she thought she saw pain flicker on his face. He left in the middle of winter, when nightmares were the strongest and ghosts were the loudest. She drowned in guilt and self-pity for a long time. Until she decided to take back her spring.

Hitsugaya sighed and ruffled his long silver hair. “Momo I-” He sighed again, probably phrasing the words in his head on how to deliver this to her in the best way possible. That was the academician’s training unlike his younger version where he can just say anything. “I’m sorry for leaving that way. I needed to.”

“I disgust you.” Momo knew this dulling pain. It was her most fervent fear, and it was coming true.

She felt him touch the locks of her long hair, and that made her look at him. He held her gaze. “You’ll never disgust me, Momo. It’s just.....you were so lost that time, and I thought you needed to heal on your own terms without me hovering and dictating what you should have done.”

Her eyes were brimming with ten winters’ worth of tears and worry. “But....I needed you, Shiro-kun. I was so lonely. I was ridden with guilt. My association with Dr. Aizen threatened your acceleration to the university because I was your friend.” It was the first time she said his name since the fiasco. And then it dawned on her. “They thought all your works were plagiarized too.”

“And I cannot put you through all that again. It was better for us that way, wasn’t it?”

“You left for me?”

“If I stayed, they would have called you multiple times for grueling discussions. Your communication was also tracked so I didn’t write to add to your burden. Besides, it was easy to find other better universities outside of town. I’m sorry I did not push through with our dream to study and graduate together.” A hint of a smile crept on his face. “I had the urge to replace him quickly, so this was the result.”

Momo reached out to touch his glasses. “No, please, Shiro. You are not him.” They were not graded lenses. “You are Hitsugaya, and you are more than him.”

She suddenly reddened with her statement. “Oh um.. So why are you looking for flowers earlier?” Wow nice change of topic, Momo.

“I asked Rangiku where you were and she gave me the address of the flower shop. I guessed I would find her in a bar, and I was right. But I couldn’t guess where you were.” Hitsugaya took off his glasses. He looked like he was flushing. “I was looking for you, Momo.”

"You’re so straightforward now.” Hinamori tried to laugh off this observation. It was true. He tiptoed around her before, avoiding any topic concerning feelings or emotions. She should meet him halfway then. “And I waited for you.”

Like spring blooming right after the harsh winter, Hitsugaya smiled at her reply. "To compensate for our lost time, would you consider it too fast if I asked you for a date?”

#hitsuhina day #hitsuhina day 2021 #momo hinamori #toshiro hitsugaya #hitsuhina #bleach #anime #fanfiction #fanfic #this sucked but please bear with me

[milf-lover42]

Bellatrix and Azula are the same character, change my mind

As most people can tell, Bellatrix Lestrange is my all time favorite character. I might get new favorites every time I watch a new show, and they all share a general similarity (let’s face it… I have a type, and if you’re reading this here on tumblr dot com… you do too, don’t lie). However, no character has ever come close to beating Bellatrix for top spot. And then I watched A:TLA for the first time a few weeks ago. I didn’t watch it as a kid, I was just young enough (2003 babeyy) that I wasn’t watching tv when it was on. Azula is obviously my favorite from this show, and is also the only character to ever come close to Bellatrix’ spot in my heart. But thinking about this and all the headcanons that people have made for the Black family dynamic… it seems like a pretty straightforward connection. Azula is essentially just a young Bellatrix.

Almost all of these Black family headcanons have been taken from fanfictions I have read over the years, and so the credit goes to their respective authors. Many overlap so I cannot pinpoint each author to each one, and it has been a while since reading some of them. Most notable of these would be Glass Silence by Zarrene Moss. There are many more fantastic stories I have drawn from but I couldn’t remember every fanfiction I’ve read to pick out each detail. For all the Azula stuff, I am drawing from Hello Future Me’s video on Youtube “The Psychology of Azula | Avatar: The Last Airbender”. If you want to spend an hour watching that I highly recommend it. Basically none of this is mine, I’m just using the headcanons and research of others to tie Bellatrix to Azula.

Let’s start with their family dynamics. Bellatrix is the oldest of the Black sisters, and has no brother. Although not stated in canon, (because apparently she’s too minor a character to deserve a backstory) it is presumed that all the duties of a male heir fell to her in a way. Marry young and marry a rich pureblood, carry on the family name and power, and secure a high social standing. Pureblood society is extremely archaic, if the treatment of muggle-borns is anything to go by, so we can safely assume that they are a very patriarchal society. Cygnus and Druella Black almost certainly wanted a son to carry on their name, especially given Walburga and Orion had both Sirius and Regulus. We can also assume that they weren’t exactly the kindest parents. At best, Druella was a silent wife subjected to abuse from her husband and ultimately was unable to keep her children safe; at worst she actively joined Cygnus in abusing their children. Each of the sisters have a unique way of dealing with this. 

Andromeda handled it by running away, completely rebelling. She fell in love with Ted Tonks, a muggle-born. I doubt this in itself was an act of rebellion, I think she simply realized how stupid blood supremacy was after speaking to him. Once she fell in love it’s clear she wanted to break away from her family so that she could marry him. Clearly her parents knew, and it’s likely she told them herself. Given Ted was a muggleborn I can’t imagine her parents reacting with a simple, “No he is beneath you, we forbid it.” They probably acted harshly in an attempt to make it stick in her head that the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black would not associate with m*dbloods. Either she ran away or was kicked out, but either way she stayed with Ted and didn’t listen to her parents.

Narcissa shut off and blocked all her emotions. Obviously as an adult she actively practices the same beliefs her parents did, but as a teenager I don’t see this as being who she was. As an adult she is very cold and unemotional. The only person she truly cares about is her son, Draco. She cares about Bella still, she just doesn’t show it because she wasn’t allowed to as a child. As for her feelings toward Lucius... it is unclear. Depending on where you stand, she either could have been forced into a marriage with him, or they were in love as teenagers and got lucky enough that their parents arranged for them to marry each other. My personal opinion is they were forced. I think Lucius was supposed to be married to Andy but when she ran away, the Blacks had to hold up their end of the deal with the Malfoy’s and so Narcissa was married off to him. She embodies the whole “Ice Queen” personality. In order to cope with the trauma and her unwanted marriage, she just blocked all emotion to keep herself sane, only showing it for Draco.

And then we come to Bellatrix. Bellatrix, who had too many expectations to live up to, so many roles to fill, and no positive reinforcement from parents who just abused her if she messed up. She felt everything. She was the oldest and cared greatly for her younger sisters, and probably did her best to take any of the abuse that was going to be given to Narcissa or Andromeda. She used herself as their shield because they were the most important thing to her. Even after joining Voldemort and going insane she makes it very clear how she feels about Narcissa. Bellatrix would follow Voldemort's orders to the ends of the Earth, but the second she is asked to trust Snape, she says that Voldemort has made an error in judgement. Cissa wants to go to him and ask him to keep Draco safe, but Bellatrix advises against this. Only when her sister is in potential danger does Bellatrix doubt her master. Even at the height of her insanity her sister is the most important thing to her. We can assume as a child she felt the same for Andy. In fact in my opinion she never really stopped caring about her until Azkaban, I think she pretended to hate her when she came out about Ted Tonks, but only did so so that Andy would run away and live her life with the man she loved. She was safer away from their parents anyway. It didn’t matter if Bellatrix thought negatively about muggle-borns; she just wanted her sister to be safe. After going insane however, she truly seems to hate Ted for being a muggle-born, and she kills their half-blood daughter Nymphadora. 

In order to cope with the trauma of her childhood Bellatrix used all of those emotions as fuel for her magic. She is an incredibly powerful witch and is massively intelligent (although why she didn’t just use Legilimens on the Golden Trio will baffle me forever… it would have been so simple…). However because of this coping mechanism, she is driven insane. It’s not instant, in fact it probably took years (probably that stint in Azkaban, lads) for the insanity to fully develop and take hold. All of that exposure to Dementors would have forced her to relive the trauma of her childhood over and over, while taking away the happy memories of her sisters. 

Bellatrix was given a support system to break away from her family. Now it’s not a good or healthy one, but it is one nonetheless. After being treated so poorly by her parents, and forced into a marriage with Rodolphus, she needed freedom. When Tom Riddle comes along and praises her skill and offers her a spot as his best lieutenant? Of course she’s going to take that. Finally some recognition, and a good amount of safety. Not to mention missions and tasks given to her and others to her husband that mean she doesn’t have to be around him. Bellatrix was mistreated by her father and mother, but probably always wanted her father’s recognition. Her mother probably preferred Narcissa because she could be groomed into the perfect pureblood wife. Bellatrix latched onto Voldemort to gain recognition, praise, and power. But I can imagine as a teenager, having a complete breakdown at least once, especially after being told she’d be married off to Rodolphus. Demolishing her room with magic, windows breaking, personal items being thrown either by hand or by magic, and screaming and crying at the end. Very similar to Azula’s breakdown in her final scene.

Now we come to Princess Azula. She has an older brother, Zuko, but is always given the limelight. She receives a ceremonial headpiece that she is always seen wearing, but Zuko does not. He might be the boy, but he isn’t expected to take the crown. Azula is even named after her grandfather Azulon, who was Firelord. She was always expected to be the next Firelord over Zuko. Her future was never her own. She is a firebending prodigy, always showing off her skills, whereas Zuko falls behind. She is favored by her father Ozai for sure, but she is never truly praised. She is simply a means to an end to him. She was always expected to be the best. Although it isn’t shown in the TV series, in the A:TLA comics Ursa and Ozia’s relationship is depicted as abusive. He cuts her off from her family saying that he is all she will need. 

 There are theories as to whether or not Azula has a Machievellian personality type, or ASPD or NPD that could have been a root cause of her diminishing sanity, and after looking into those they seem very plausible. She lacks empathy, she emotionally manipulates everyone, and she has a messed up sense of right and wrong. Altruism just doesn’t make sense to her, and emotions are not genuine, simply stories made to get your way. Ursa rewards empathy, love and trust, which is why she clearly favors Zuko. But Ozai rewards power, cunning, and loyalty. They are complete opposites so it is not possible to please both of them. If she has any of these mental disorders it would be impossible to please her mother, so she focused on making her father proud. But Ozai never really shows any level of praise towards her, so she constantly tries to better herself. If she isn’t perfect, she’s failed. 

At the end of A:TLA, Ozai forces her to stay behind in the Fire Nation. He says it’s because they need a Firelord because he will be leaving. Azula is disappointed to not partake in the final battle, but it’s what her father wants, so she obeys. However, he only leaves her so that he can become the supreme leader of everyone, or “Phoenix King”.  Azula doesn’t really get a promotion, just a fancy name. In the finale, she is shown as her mental state quickly deteriorates. Her perfect image is gone, her hair is not up, her makeup undone, and she is paranoid that everyone is out to get her. This is the beginning of her breakdown. When she is unable to put her hair up by herself, she cuts her bangs. Her hair is all of a sudden asymmetrical, which is unheard of. She then starts to hallucinate. By the time she fights Zuko and Katara she is extremely unstable, and the fact that she can actually still bend is incredible, because it requires control of your emotions. She instead manages to use her emotions to fuel her bending. At the end when she is defeated, she finally breaks. Her bending is out of control, and she is left screaming and crying. 

Azula never had anyone  take her under their wing and give her the recognition she craved. Zuko had Iroh. Bellatrix had Voldemort. If Azula had been introduced to someone like Voldemort she would have gone down the same path as Bellatrix. Likewise, if Bellatrix hadn’t been introduced to Voldemort she would have ended up broken just like Azula. Their stories aren’t identical obviously, but there are some strong parallels that place them together, so I can see them as the same person with different outcomes to their story.

Does this stupidly long character analysis have any significant purpose? Nah, not at all. But like… I’m clearly right so… yeah.

#bellatrix black #bellatrix lestrange #azula #princess azula #azula deserved better #A:TLA #A:TLA azula #bellatrix black lestrange #druella black #cygnus black #narcissa malfoy #andromeda tonks #guys im not crazy i swear #i just feel passionately about these characters #bellamione