#whereas with most of the rest i cannot remember fuck all that happened

[loveisfriendship]

It’s all about loyalty Part 3

Author’s Note: Here we are with Part 3. I nearly forgot about this gem. Love the story. 2 Parts and I have only user 1 of the prompt sentences.

Enjoy this part.

Love,

Lis.

Trigger Warning: mention of blood and blood loss, explosion, guns

You all didn’t come very far. The whole warehouse exploded behind you all and everybody was pushed to the ground. The only thing besides the ground that you registered was a sharp pain in your left side. Slowly everybody got back to their feet besides you. You rolled over on your back and hold you side. As you looks at your hands and noticed the blood you cursed under your breath before applying pressure again.

“Boss.” You hear Mattia call out as he and Alessandro run over to you and kneel by your side. Alessandro quickly takes his jacket off and rips it up to press on your wound whereas Mattias jacket is put under your head. The sun is blinding you, besides the ear ringing and the pain from your side. The sun is suddenly blocked when more people come into your view. The 5-0 team stand around you, all disheveled and dusty, but mostly okay. As Alessandro slowly takes of his hands from your wound to see the extent of your wound, you feel blood running down your side.

“Holy Shit! You’re bleeding!” Detective Williams exclaims. You hear someone dialing and talking on the phone.

“No..” you say, coughing and hissing at the pain.

“No ambulance, no hospital. Remember? Not supposed to be out of jail.” You say as loud as you can.

“Boss, it’s serious. That’s not something we can fix.” Mattia says, moving the hair out of your face.

“They are right.” Commander McGarrett says. “But she is also right. We cannot bring her to a hospital.” He says sternly, looking at his team. Whoever tried to call an ambulance hung up by now.

“Max?” Detective Williams asks, looking at the Commander. He nods and before you can understand what is going on, everybody is moving and you are carried to a car. On the car ride you are slipping in and out of consciousness. From time to time you hear, that the bleeding is not stopping.

The next time you wake up, you are on a couch in an office, Mattia and Alessandro in front of you. As your vision clears and your other senses come back to live, you notice that everybody is pointing their guns at each other and everyone is yelling. You try to sit up and try to understand what is happening.

“Stand down.” You half yell, falling back into the couch, not being as strong as you think. But everyone heard you nonetheless. Mattia and Alessandro lower their guns at you words and turn around to you. A millisecond of relieve ran over their faces, before becoming serious again and turning back to the 5-0 team.

You look up to the commander and see he has his gun pointed at you.

“Can someone please explain to me, what the fuck is actually going on?” you ask, trying to sit up again, this time with the help of Mattia.

“You nearly killed my team and myself!” the Commander yells in your face, taking a step forward. But Mattia and Alessandro close the gaps more, so you can barely look at the Commander.

“I did not. I was unconscious when I was brought there. And who is the one bleeding and nearly dying here, huh?” you ask, your patience running thin.

“Okay, let’s all calm down and discuss what is going on.” Detective Kelly says, the rest of the 5-0 team lowering their guns. Detective Williams goes over to the Commander says

“Please lower your gun, Steve. And please refrain from shooting her, we need her for later.”

The Commander lowers his gun but is still breathing heavily and looking at with the most intense stare ever.

“You’re cute when you’re angry, Commander.” you say, trying to lighten the mood, even though your are also very angry.

Before anyone else says anything, you continue: “Let’s recap, shall we? I rushed through the house, saw Donny, threatened to kill him, am being knocked out from behind, from someone we now know is called Wo Fat. And then I am brought to this warehouse, where Donny tries to trick me with a recording from my father, but I smash his head against the metal bars. He leaves, Mattia and Alessandro free me and we meet you outside. Commander McGarret receives this phone call and the whole warehouse explodes. And now we are here. Am I correct?” you say and look into all the faces. Everyone but McGarret nod.

“Good, now where is Donny and who the fuck is Wo Fat?” you ask.

“An old enemy of ours. Let’s keep it at that.” McGarret answers.

“Okay, well… You guys have a specific plan? Do you know where they are? Can I just put a bullet between Donny’s eyes?” you ask.

“Yes, we know where they are. Yes, we have a plan. No, you cannot shoot him.” Detective Williams answers.  You sigh and try to stand up, a bit shaky but with Mattias and Alessandro help, you stand and make your way over to the Commander. You look at him pointedly and say

“Okay, let’s move then.”

Taglist: @geeksareunique @fandomoniumflurry @rahma29417 @letsstarsfalling @fairchild21 @fungk17 @woodworthti666 @honestlyoriginalthing @evyiione @everygoodusernameistaken16 @littlewhiterose @reincarnated-ghost @princess76179 @damedoctoroftardis-blog @make-yourownmemories

#lis writes #steve mcgarrett #steve mcgarrett x reader #steve mcgarrett imagine #steve mcgarrett fanfiction #steve mcgarrett imagines #hawaii 5 0 imagine #hawaii 5 0 #hawaii five o #hawaii 50

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 12 second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Funsies) 

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

After locking Wei Wuxian into some comically large chains, Wen Chao has him thrown into the dungeon, with an unpleasant surprise.

This Fucking Dog

Being a fan of The Untamed involves occasional second-hand embarrassment, like when they fly on their swords, or the zombies all have the same wig, or a fight sequence moves slower than everybody’s granny. It's ok because each of these things is offset by excellence in acting, story, costumes, weapons, sets, etc.

Then there's this fucking dog. 

The department of questionable practical effects really outdid themselves with this thing. Just seeing this awful creation on screen gives me so much cringe squick I can barely look at it. But for you, dear readers, I FORCED MY EYEBALLS to watch the entire dog sequence OVER AND OVER. Then I applied some brightness adjustments and looked at it EVEN MORE. 

Let's get desensitized! I’m going all in on this monstrosity.

First, this dog does not ever move its body or its feet. Its legs are totally immobile. It appears to be made of a big sawhorse with a stick for the neck. The head swings up and down and side to side. That’s it.  

“Animatronic” is too generous of a term for this thing. The animatronics at Chucky Cheese learned to play musical instruments and host birthday parties decades ago. This dog cannot play an instrument and it has to wait for Wei Wuxian to walk over to it before it can attack him. 

When it falls over after Wen Ning K.O’s it, it’s like a chair falling over. It just topples to the side, legs sticking straight out.  

(more after the cut)

Next, It has a mouth full of teeth, which opens and closes. And it has drool the texture of Astroglide Extra-Thick Gel. But...no tongue.

Seriously you guys, it literally does not have a tongue. They just sculpted a little bump at the at the bottom of its mouth, despite dogs being known for, like, lolling their tongues out of their mouths at every opportunity.

Moving along, it has dull, lifeless eyes, and its eyelids are visibly disconnected from the rest of its head, like a doll that mechanically shuts its eyes when you lay it down to sleep.

Finally, its fur looks like a fucking muppet, and it has random shiny spots all around its eyes and lips. These are probably supposed to be body fluids of some kind, but they just look like someone was careless with the cra-z-glue.

Xiao Zhan gamely tries to act opposite this ridiculous fail prop, but there is nothing remotely scary about it.  

Here is Wei Wuxian being scared. I replaced the animatronic dog with a reversed clip of my dog Pepper asking for a piece of cheese, and I think it looks more convincing this way. 

Ok, let's be done with this stupid fucking dog. Wen Ning knocks it out, Wen Chao criticizes it in the morning, and nobody ever speaks of it again. 

Wei Wuxian is so mortified to have endured this farce that when Lan Wangji asks him, much later, “why are you afraid of dogs?” he does not say “don’t you remember that time I got chewed on by a giant animatronic dog at Wen Chao’s place?” but instead pretends that this never fucking happened. 

Wen Ning to the Rescue

For contrast, the next dungeon scene is a really touching and important encounter between Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian. 

Wen Ning comes and knocks out the creature, and gives Wei Wuxian medicine. 

Wen Ning is doing this in defiance of his clan and his sister, simply because Wei Wuxian is his friend. Yes, he feels indebted, but Wen Qing saved WWX’s life once, so the tally is already even. Wen Ning is just super attached to Wei Wuxian, and vice versa; WWX calls him Wen-Xiong in this scene. 

When Wen Ning explains how to use the medicine, Wei Wuxian changes the subject to ask how WN and his sister are doing. He is bleeding, chained up, high on adrenaline and fear, and what he really wants is to hear how his friends are doing. When Wen Ning talks about Wen Qing’s troubles, Wei Wuxian wishes she would accept help, instead of always going it alone. 

Wei Wuxian thanks Wen Ning formally, and tells him no words can express his gratitude. Whether this is a literally correct translation, the gratitude both of these young men feel toward each other transcends words. It will become a driving force in both of their lives as they save each other from increasingly awful situations. 

Wen Ning tells Wei Wuxian about the burning of Cloud Recesses....the burning of the half we never visit. It would suck to damage that exquisite set, so I’m ok with that production choice, but creates some cognitive dissonance when characters get upset about the fire. 

Wei Wuxian reacts to the news of Lan Wangji’s injury by punching the concrete floor of the dungeon, which is dumb but also highly relatable. 

After Wen Ning leaves, Wei Wuxian decides to save the medicine for Lan Wangji, who might not even need it, while WWX is bleeding right now and definitely needs it. No matter how bad things are for him personally, Wei Wuxian is always thinking about ways to help the people he loves, and constantly seeing his own needs as less important than everybody else’s. 

Breakfast Time

After his night of terror and maiming, Wei Wuxian emerges as chipper as ever. Almost like he is already an expert at hiding his trauma from the people close to him. 

Lan Wangji gives him a careful look, taking in the sight of his ripped clothes and bloody neck and hands. 

Jiang Cheng is angry at Wei Wuxian for joking about his injuries, so he shoves him, potentially causing more injuries. 

Wei Wuxian laughs off the signs of torture and attempted murder and everyone goes along with it. Nobody knows what happened to him other than "dungeon" and what he looks like right now, and they’re all just like, okey dokey, I guess you’re fine.  

He’ll carefully laugh off his months in the burial mounds in the same way, later, and Jiang Cheng will accept it nearly as readily as he accepts this. But by that time Lan Wangji will see right through him.

Nie Huaisang mentions the Lan Clan in the course of discussing breakfast, and then everyone pauses awkwardly because they know that mentioning this will make Lan Wangji think about the recent attack on his home and the deaths of many of his fellow disciples. Whereas if nobody had mentioned it, he totally wouldn't think about it. That's how grief works, right?

Insult to Injury

Wen Chao decides to spend some time gloating about battles and insulting people's families, which he does with Wen Qing standing behind his eyeline so that she can warn Wei Wuxian not to let his brother go off. 

Jiang Cheng is not going to let anybody who isn't his mother insult his father like that, but in a reversal of their normal roles, Wei Wuxian restrains him and helps keep him from doing something rash.

Monster Hunting

Wen Chao makes everyone read out loud until Nie Huaisang wisely faints and gets carried off. Then he gathers everyone for a monster hunt.  It's unclear why he wants to go monster hunting but he sure does, and bringing the hostages along might make them all die, which would be a nice bonus.

The cultivators wander around en masse in a small section of forest, thoroughly covering every inch of it. This is a great way to hunt for a dead body but not so good for living prey. 

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng stand around like bitchy queens at a dance club, talking smack about Wen Chao and his girlfriend. 

Wei Wuxian brings out a salty phrase and Jiang Cheng wonders what websites he's been going to. 

Dude. Lighten up.

Leave that Boy Alone

Wei Wuxian notices Lan Wangji struggling, and now that he knows the backstory, he's determined to help. Jiang Cheng is determined to stop him.

This is, once again, the fundamental disagreement between the brothers, and it's never going to be solvable. Jiang Cheng's specific dislike of Lan Wangji may be rooted in jealousy, but his belief in not helping outsiders runs a lot deeper than that.

For Wei Wuxian, there is no such thing as having helped enough. If someone is his friend, he will never stop helping them, and he has a lot of friends, and makes new ones wherever he goes. He's always going to be giving something of himself, to the detriment of any conflicting obligations. 

Jiang Cheng tells him that Lan Wangji won't accept his help, and Wei Wuxian says that's not the point. 

What other people think, want, say, or do, is not going to have any effect on whether Wei Wuxian does what he feels is right. This is a bit of a problem where a person's right to self-determination conflicts with Wei Wuxian's need to help them, as Jiang Cheng will eventually discover.

Jiang Cheng's least effective argument is the one he relies on most often when they disagree: other people's problems are not our responsibility. He's saying this to an orphan who was eating trash and stealing scraps from dogs before Jiang Fengmian came into his life. 

Jiang Cheng doesn’t seem to realize the underlying logic of this argument. If it's wrong for Wei Wuxian to help the people he cares about, it was also wrong for Jiang Fengmian to help Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng loves Wei Wuxian and would willingly die for him, but he, like his mother, rejects the philosophy that brought them together in the first place.  

Wei Wuxian walks away from an upset and shocked Jiang Cheng to offer a piggyback ride to Lan Wangji.

...who won't accept it, but who will remember the offer forever.

Writing prompt: Thoughts of an animatronic dog

Soundtrack:  Five Nights at Freddy’s by The Living Tombstone

#fytheuntamed #the untamed #wangxian #chen qing ling #wei wuxian #giant animatronic dog #lan wangji #jiang cheng #restless rewatch the untamed #my gifs #canary3d-original #the untamed spoilers #embarrassment #this dog is why I started writing these #this goddamn dog

[jackiebrackettt]

for ur revived ranboo au, is dream dead? i can’t remember if that was explained or not

also, do you have any ideas for revivedboos reactions to living stuff? like meeting everyone again, the rain, the general overwhelmingness of being alive and a person again?

cdream is dead fairly early in the 10yrs I think purely bc I can’t imagine him being alive and a danger to everyone for that long. what that means for how cranboo got revived? no clue. that’s why I haven’t gone into detail about how he got revived and why I probably won’t ever think about it

holy shit I am putting the rest of this under a cut o(-( I’ve barely even thought about this btw my brain has just fleshed this au out so much that I can just reach in and pull out so many words:

for ur other question: there was actually some scrapped lines about ranboo mentioning that touching tubbo + the bed sheets all kind of hurt a lot - like when ur skin is really sensitive and u meet textures u don’t vibe with. just bc he’s not really used to processing those sensations. I didn’t go into it bc it would make the fic longer and I was desperately trying to close it off so I could eat lunch o(-( ultimately I think ranboo is the kind of person who would suffer through that because the fact he Could do it outweighed the skin sensitivity + there wasn’t really anything else he could do to fully get rid of that pain/sensitivity apart from float around in a void

i think being alive after being dead for so long would realistically be extremely uncomfortable. and I think the reason tommy’s canonical reaction is different to my revivedboo’s reaction is 1) bc of the type of ppl they are and 2) bc of how long they spent dead. tommy experienced a two very jarring shifts in not a lot of time and probably didn’t have enough time to think about what he lost while dead whereas ranboo had a decade and is probably just revelling in being able to feel things again even if it’s overwhelming to the point of pain (eventually he’ll bring this up and tubbo - who is used to dealing with skin sensitivity for a lot of diff reasons - will try to help him adjust as best as possible. another project to throw himself into lol)

I don’t actually have a concrete image for Ranboo’s limbo but I read a headcanon once (cannot remember who made it sorry) where he essentially hallucinates a version of tubbo in an attempt to remember him and to cope with essentially losing him. this version of tubbo isn’t very realistic to the actual tubbo (although it’s close at first - like when u haven’t looked at canon in a while and realise canon kinda warped characterisation) bc he’s been created by Ranboo’s subjective view (+ his bad memory lol) and I imagine that hallucination sticks around for a while

meeting everyone again would be tough and I imagine he wouldn’t do it for a while. apart from tubbo and Michael - tommy would definitely be the first person he meets and I think tommy would paradoxically understand the most why ranboo takes such a long time to meet ppl again and also wouldn’t understand at all. he had a lot of conflicting emotions to his own revival and since his complex feelings about hating/fearing/“we’re brothers” @ wilbur don’t exist with ranboo (aka it’s fairly simply “we’re friends” even if there is complexity) he’d also probably project the feelings about his revival onto ranboo if that makes sense?

like he would understand why ranboo is overwhelmed bc he’d remember that for himself but he also wouldn’t get why ranboo isn’t trying to get back to normal as soon as possible (tommy getting angry when ppl bring up it happened versus not understanding why they’re acting like it didn’t - not wanting to linger on it but wanting his feelings to be validated)

Ranboo however is a very different person who also spent a lot longer in limbo and also barely fucking remembers anyone o(-( he cares a lot about appearances in a slightly different way to tubbo (tubbo is just genuinely lying to himself about his emotions whereas ranboo would prefer to have his panic attacks in private thank you very much) and probably would want to make sure he seems Normal and Like He Remembers People before he meets anyone. which would take a while

all up it’s an extremely slow process and him and tubbo try to section that process away from michael as best as possible. unfortunately or fortunately depending on the way you look at it aka both at the same time: michael is just at that age where he gets it. I don’t want to go down the road of “kid comforts parent/parent relies on kid for comfort” but Michael is very much aware of the trauma tubbo carries with him (also tbh michael probably has his own trauma by now that he’s still dealing with) and so ranboo coming back with trauma as well isn’t shocking to him so he gets that ranboo needs space b4 they try to reconnect - the space is also good for him bc it gives him time to try and sort through his own feelings about the whole thing. like he barely remembers ranboo being a dad to him and now suddenly ranboo will be Wanting To Be His Dad. I think it would be a lot for him to take in

anyway this has been very long so I’ll cut it off now o(-( but if you want to ask for more detail about anything specific pls do! I really do like talking about it lol

#asks

[teeztheflag]

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Wolf!Ateez Reaction to the daily life with their pregnant mate

warnings: strong language, argument, angst, inappropriate behavior, impregnating kink, violence, suggestive

a/n: this is connected to the other wolf!ateez reaction to finding their mate; I hope you like it anon! also I included some action

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k i m h o n g j o o n g

Hong Joong is a natural leader so he would try to plan and control everything including your daily routine. You know he normally wants you safe and sound but now that you’re in the sixth month and your bumb is becoming bigger he doesn’t really realize that the tasks are just too much for you.

Everyone in the town is super happy that you’re giving them a future leader or maybe a little princess. The pack members always want to talk to you or give you presents which made a normal shopping tour impossible by now. You can feel the pressure they’re inflicting on you and for gods sake just want some last months of peace but that won’t be possible with the alpha’s brilliant plan for you.

Today was also an enormous stressful day as all the grannies of your pack planned out a full five hour ceremony for you and the pup. You knew some things in Hong Joong‘s pack would be different but this made you feel uncomfortable like never before.

„Y/N?“ Hong Joong sees his mate crying in the living room your head held between your hands and sobs leaving you occasionally. „What’s wrong?“ He crouches down in front of you on the ground and takes your shaking hands away to see your glassy orbs and reddened cheeks.

„I- I cannot do this anymore...“

„What?“

„The ceremonies and gifts and talks and meetings and - it‘s just all too much!“

„Are you serious? I didn’t know... I mean the ahjummas told me you are just nervous. It’s traditional for the luna - “

„Joong! I am crying in front of you and pleading for some peace and everything you can think about is the pack and your stupid traditions! I am not nervous I just don’t want to stand naked in front of some old ladies who are telling me how to raise our baby!“

The alpha‘s eyes turn into a rich golden color and you can see that his wolf is coming to the surface at your little outburst. An alpha usually doesn’t take any shit but you’re his luna and you are indeed able to stand your point in front of him (also the naked part seems odd to him, too). Hong Joong sighs and takes your hands into his ones.

„I didn’t know it was so stressful for you and our pup. I just wanted to follow the traditions of my pack and forgot about your feelings and well-being entirely... I am really sorry my beautiful mate.“

The alpha takes you into his arms and gives you a kiss full of love. „From now on you can decide for yourself what you want to do and I will try to become a better mate. Our pack loves you, they will understand.“

„Thank you, Hong Joong“

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p a r k s e o n g h w a

Park Seong Hwa was a calm and loving mate. He always dreamed of a family with his beloved one and a pup. When the doctor said you were going to get twins he was lost. Your tummy became so big he always feared it would hurt you in some way but you assured him it was fine.

As Seong Hwa had a reputable family background and Y/N not really you slowly became aware of the possessive behavior of his family. Seong Hwa, too, had something slight arrogant to himself but you could handle it. The gatherings at his on the other site turned into a slight inconvenient time for you.

„A boy and a girl! I am so proud of you!“ His aunt said excited.

„Yes, at least one boy.“ Of course, you already expected Seong Hwa‘s parents to want an heir for their prestigious estate but now you feared for your little girl. Growing up in a family where only your son is loved his grandparents was something you wouldn’t want for your daughter.

Your patience was soon at it‘s limit when he and his family continued praising your boy and almost forgetting about the other pup that was in your tummy.

„I am so proud of Y/N! We are going to have the best boy in the world and - “

„Park Seong Hwa, we need to talk.“ You stood up and everyone went silent when you dragged your mate outside into the garden.

„I know you only want to impress you parents but what do you think is our daughter going to feel as soon as she‘s sitting with us at the table if you continue only talking about our son?“

„I - I didn’t consider that.“

„Why can’t you be happy about our babygirl like you’re when we’re alone? I am a girl, too. We’re not any less than boys.“

„Y/N, you know I would never think like that.“

„But your family does. They only see me as the one who gives you heirs.“

„I think it would be better if you go home.“

„Seriously? You know what, I am really going home. Home as in my parents house. You should start realizing that I am the mother and I won‘t allow you and your family to hurt my family in any way!“

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j e o n g y u n h o

Your and Yun Ho‘s relationship wasn’t easy at all. You being the princess and him one of the rogue leaders made it hard for you to live your romance freely. You often wanted to tell your parents but seeing them fighting the rogues more and more stopped you from your plan. You wanted peace, just like your mate, too.

To end the war between the wolves and rogues meant a mind change and you felt like the moon goddess picked the two of you on purpose. Maybe it was your destiny?

When you met Yun Ho that day to tell him the news about the pup you were having he suddenly changed into his wolf out of excitement and happiness which caused tears out of joy into your eyes.

By now it was inevitable to not tell your parents about your mate. It was the right time and you didn’t tell Yun Ho something about your decision because you trusted the king and the queen.

It was a fatal mistake to believe that - your mother only cried when the king screamed and trashed around and like an insane person he ordered the guards to bring you into a prison and lock you away from the rogue leader until he killed him. What was worse, they planned you to abort the pup and marry you off to another wolf.

Yun Ho soon found out about everything and nearly collapsed at thought of not only you being in danger but their baby, too. He gathered as much pack members as possible and made his way to your estate.

„I am warning you one last time King Y/L/N! You’re going to give me back my mate or I will burn down everything here!“

„Your mate? She’s my daughter and the princess! My blood would never interact with your kind and this scum that is growing inside her is going to die like you!“ That was enough to start the attack leaving Yun Ho taking some of the wolves with him to find you down in the basement.

He once saw you like this before and it nearly breaks his heart only this time it’s worse. You lay on the ground unconscious and beaten when he picks you up and flees out of your kingdom.

„Don’t worry my love. I promise no one’s going to lay a hand on you ever again!“

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k a n g y e o s a n g

„Mh, mine.“ Yeo Sang stood behind you his nose deeply nuzzled into your neck and his arms holding you and your tummy.

„Who?“ You feel him smirk and are sure of it when he raises his head and bites your earlobe a little bit.

„Both.“

Today you were having a big dinner with some of the other alphas and their families again. There was one big long table where everyone sat down and as you and Yeo Sang were mates your families now sit together.

You already had a bad feeling this morning knowing your ex would be there, too, seeing your mate being extremely overprotective since you’re pregnant.

You went to the restroom and when hen you wanted to get back to the others someone stopped you holding your wrist.

„Long time no see. The pregnancy suits you, Y/N.“

„Jong Su.“

You turned around and gave him a shy smile. How everything turned out a few months ago wasn’t in your interest, too. Before you can say anything he nears you and lays his hand on your belly making you slightly uncomfortable.

„That should’ve been mine. This bastard really didn’t wait long to shoot his dna into your dirty little cunt, right?“

„Jong S - “ Suddenly Yeo Sang grabbed the boy‘s hand and smashed it into the wall next to you leaving the boy crying and rolling on to the ground holding his hand.

„You better not touch what’s not yours! I thought I taught you last time?! I swear if I see you in her vicinity one more time I fucking break your neck!“ With that Yeo Sang took your hand carefully and guided you to one of the balconies of the mansion.

„Yeo Sang, I am sorry...“

„Why are you sorry? I love you Y/N and he has no right to talk to you or about you like that!“

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c h o i s a n

There was nothing better for him than seeing his mate with her little tummy standing in the kitchen and baking the cake for a garden party with their friends. San sneaked up behind you and before you could stop him he already stole a berry from your topping.

„Choi San! Hands off!“ You clapped his hand away and laughed out loud when he took a berries and ran away from you.

„Mooowwwrry.“ You stood behind the couch whereas he was in front of you on the other site smirking at you while he choked down the rest.

You lunged forward and luckily he caught you with open arms causing the two of you to land on the couch. He layed on top of you holding him up with one arm and in the other hand still some berries.

„Be careful my love! You cannot be so wild with our pup inside you!“

„Ah, now you’re acting concerned? What’s with my cake, hm?“

„Sshh... - “ He pops one of the red fruits into your mouth and grins at you. When you were about to shove him off you he held your wrist still and smashed his lips onto yours.

„I love you so much.“

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s o n g m i n g i

You could say Min Gi was a little bit overwhelmed with the situation first but fascinated at the same time. You still remember how he asked you how this could happen and you started to explain the intercourse to him leaving the two of you laughing the whole evening.

When he first bought the most ridiculous things like clothes for two genders and 50 packs of diapers he was now doing pretty good. Min Gi calmed down a little bit and started to read books and asked friends for advise. By now you probably didn’t even need to take care about anything because he planned out every detail.

Min Gi and you got closer while exploring the forests in your wolf form. His wolf went crazy everytime he saw your grown stomach - a typical natural instinct of possessiveness. Sometimes he got so excited he nearly climbed you on your trips. He had such a huge wolf so you were afraid that some day he would accidentally crush you.

„Be careful!“

„Ah, I am sorry... I cannot control myself. I think heat‘s coming.“ His wolf let out small whines while he let himself bump on the ground.

„Aish, Min Gi... Please don’t be sad. I didn’t mean it like that and I only think it’s not a very good idea to do it in our wolf forms right now.“

„You mean, human would be ok?“

You cuddled yourself into his side and licked his ears. Suddenly he jumped up and began to heckle like a maniac.

„Then let‘s go home so I can have some fun with you.“

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j u n g w o o y o u n g

Although Woo Young was the wolf prince and his daily life was often spent with office work and meetings he was quite childish when being alone with you. That doesn’t mean that he’s not mature enough but he likes to make people happy and is a friend of positivity.

Oh, and you always knew when he got home because of the sentence: „WHERE ARE MY BABIES?“

Woo Young also resembled the perfect father in your eyes - every evening when the two of you sat down on the couch and watched a movie he told you about all his future goals and what he wants to do with your little son when he’s finally there.

He also helped you a lot when your stomach grew bigger and bigger and took care of the house duties when it became too hard for you.

Maybe the sweetest part of the pregnancy was how Woo Young liked to talk with your tummy. He used every chance to lay his ears on it and feel the little kicks of your pup. His eyes grew bigger every time something happened and he looked so fascinated.

After the tough time the two of you had your mate was able to make you trust him and give you the love and family you never had. All the hate was gone and replaced with harmony and safety.

„Y/N?“

„Oh god, no ‚Where are my babies?‘ today?“ You chuckled at him while planting the roses in your garden. When Woo Young didn’t respond you got up and watched him smirking at you mischievously.

„Just you wait. Someday you’re going to say it, too!“

„My prince stop being a nuisance and help a pregnant girl.“ Your mate grabbed you by your waist and turned you around so your faces were only centimeters apart.

„You’re not some pregnant girl. You’re my pregnant princess and like I said, we‘re meant for eachother and it shows.“

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c h o i j o n g h o

„You’re kidding me.“

„No, you can see it here.“

„Yeah, more like I can see nothing.“

Jong Ho was totally overwhelmed with having a girl instead of a strong wolf boy. He didn’t even consider it beforehand and now reality crashes down on him. A girl? He’s pretty much busy with protecting his mate and now he has to protect two females?

At home Jong Ho enters after you leaving the keys on the side table and watches how you clap your hands and jump a little bit.

„Isn’t this great? The baby is healthy for now and it’s going to be a little girl! We can chose names if you want I already have some ide - “

„You’re really happy?“

„Choi Jong Ho, I know that voice you’re using. What’s wrong?“

„Y/N, you know me. I know there are many other boys like me outside and I am afraid of having a daughter! I don’t want her to meet a copy of myself and that sounds very wrong but I hope you know what I mean...“

„Jong Ho... First you’re not that bad - I mean, you were a big playboy before you met me but, the point is, you changed.“

„Yes, after I met you. When is she meeting her mate? She’s going to make mistakes. She will meet some asshole who breaks her heart before he comes.“

„Well, I wouldn’t say that you were pretty nice to me before my birthday but that doesn’t matter anymore. And don’t believe you are the only guy, I had my experiences and they make us stronger. It’s okay, that’s life. Why don’t you use your fear to turn her into a strong and confident girl?“

„You think I am able to?“

„Of course. I believe you can do everything. You made me fall in love with you if that’s not proof enough I don’t know what’s then.“

With that you both start laughing and he whispers a small ‚okay‘ while you give him a peck on his pouting lips.

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#ateez wolf #ateez reactions #ateez reaction #ateez wolf au #ateez pregnant #ateez mate #ateez soulmate #ateez soulmate au #ateez mate au #ateez pregnancy #ateez writings #ateez writing #ateez fic #ateez fanfic #ateez fanfiction #ateez au #ateez impregnation

[redsandroses]

Genre: non-idol au, fluff and angst

Warnings: cheating (yes y/n is a jerk whereas Chan is an angel), swearing, acts of anger but no physical harm. Other than that, it starts really cute and soft and ends pretty fucking sad. 

Pairing: Bang Chan x reader 

Word count: 4.7k

A/N: So this one is really special to me. It was actually way longer than this but I cut some parts cause they felt really personal and could be a trigger for a lot, so here is the cut version. Just want to say if you’ve ever been in a situation where everyone turns their back to you or if people force you to do things you don’t want to, know that you are not alone. There is someone who understands and cares for you out here and you can come to me to vent. I will be all ears. Oh and please don't fucking cheat on people.

“No, no. You cannot leave me like this. Not after all we have been through.” was your last words before your boyfriend left your house.

Chan… He was the best you’ve ever had, he was also the worst you’ve ever had. You met Chan at a convention at his office. You went there as a representetive of your own company for a presentation. At first, he was like everyone else there. But during your presentation his boss made a really offensive and sexist comment which was completely irrelevant to the topic and when you came back at him, no one was on your side since they were all kiss asses but Chan, he stood up with you there. Then he helped you the way out and gave you a glass of water to help you relax. And at that moment you knew you needed him in your life, as a friend as a lover, anything.

A week later that day, your boss who was also your dad, made an announcement that there was going to be a welcoming party for a new employee. You were used to these, your company was a family company and they accepted everyone there as one of them. For the party, your job was to bake a cake cause you baked delicious cakes and cookies. It was one of your specialties. So you did, you baked a half chocolate-half vanilla cake. 

The party was at the back garden of your office. When you arrived, everyone was already there. You looked around to find the new employee but everyone seemed familiar. After a while of searching with the cake in your hands, you bumped into someone. There he was, Chan was the new employee and now you smeared cake all over his jacket. You panicked and started apologising over and over again, trying to clean up the mess you made. Chan was just laughing and he stopped you by holding your hands. 

“Please calm down. It’s just a jacket and I was gonna spill something on it till the end of the night anyways so don’t worry about it.” You looked at him, that was the moment you realised how beautiful his eyes were. They were glowing under the moonlight. He realised you were staring. “Oh I’m sorry, forgive me for being this rude and not introducing myself. I’m Chan but you can also call me Chris and you are…” He peeked at your fingers for a second. “Miss Y/LN, right?” you laughed at how cute he was. “Yes yes, I’m that but you can call me by my first name which is Y/n. You don’t have to call anyone with their last name in the office, not even your boss. We all know we respect each other and trust me it’s easier like this. Oh and also don’t you remember me from last week from your convention?” 

“Ah yes of course I do but since we didn’t met officially there I wanted to do this part again.” 

“Okay I’m a curious cat so I’m just gonna ask, why did you leave your company?” 

“Ahh that. After seeing what a jerk my boss was to you, I simply had to. I couldn’t keep on helping him make money.” You smiled at him. “Drinks?”

That was your first night together. You said your goodbyes there and for a month or so you were just co-workers. He was always smiling at everyone, he was kind and helpful. He got used to the place quickly cause of how warm-hearted he was. You guys practically became best friends since you spent all your breaks and lunches with him. Then one day you decided to invite him over dinner, just for fun and to get to know him better. 

He came with your favourite flower, he was wearing a black shirt with the top two buttons open. Seeing him in his casual fits was nice, he looked even better all chill like that. His cologne was one of your favourite smells now. All night through dinner, he kept complimenting your cooking and acting like he was passing out cause of the deliciousness, it was a fun time after so long. Then you poured yourselves some wine and went to your rooftop. 

It was a full moon that day. You believed in the saying “The moon is there when nobody else is.” So you always felt a special feeling when it’s full moon. Either something good or bad happenned when it’s full moon and they all somehow affected your life. You were looking at the moon thinking about what would happen that month, then something hit you. It was there, he was right there. He was the thing happening this time. You turned to him just to find out he was looking at you too. You chuckled. 

“What? Is there something on my face? Oh god there’s sauce on my mouth isn’t it?”

“Hey hey y/n, nothing is wrong with your face. Everything is perfect. Everything about you is actually.” You were shocked, you knew there was something special between you two but you weren’t expecting this. “I uh I um thank you Chan. You are not so bad yourself.” You winked, trying not to show how he caught you off-guard. He took a sip of his wine and chuckled. 

“You think I’m just being nice, don’t you? But I’m serious y/n, there’s something about you that makes me adore you. Since you entered that meeting room, I felt it. You are so smart, you are independent, you always know what to do when things are going bad and on top of those you’re gorgeous.” You didn’t know what to say. You were looking down, drawing circles on the glass. That silence was awkward. “But I will get it if you don’t want a relationship and just want to be friends, that won’t change my feelings for you.” 

He tucked your hair behind your ear. “No matter where we end up, you’re amazing and you will always have me by your side.” You wanted him but you weren’t ready.

“Chan, it’s not that I don’t want to be with you. It’s that I’m not ready for a relationship for now but I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Heyy hey, please. I understand that, and you will not lose me for this. I enjoy your company and I have no intention on leaving you. You are not getting rid of me that soon.” He smiled. There was something with his smile, you could feel his sincerity. You knew he was real. “I don’t want to get rid of you silly.” “Hug?” you nodded and hugged him. Oh how safe it felt to be between his arms. The cold breeze on your face with his warmth on your body felt so peaceful but you had to let go. You knew you couldn’t be with someone, not yet.

After that night, things became a bit weird between you two but he was acting like everything was normal. You hated the feeling that you messed things up. It was keeping you awake at nights, not that you got sleep that much before that but still it was always on your mind. He was always on your mind. You kept asking yourself ‘why did it have to be like this? Why didn’t he come in my life before?’ but that was no use. Questioning wasn’t changing anything. You just couldn’t trust anyone anymore. It wasn’t his fault, he was all one could ask for. It was about you. It was about all the people who let you down.

Days passed one after another and at one night out with him, you decided to open up to him. You told him about all the things you’ve been through and he listened to you attentively. He was shocked by how evil people could get, he cried with you that night and gave you assurance that he would never do anything to hurt you and that he will protect you from bad things coming up your way. He hugged you all night, neither of you got even a minute of sleep but it was worth it. It was worth feeling his presence there with you. It was worth hearing him singing for you the most beautiful songs. It was worth being in that moment with him. 

When it was nearly dawn, he offered to take you to a hill. He prepared breakfast for you to eat there. You were up there half an hour before sunrise. You sat there covered in a blanket, him hugging you. It was so peaceful, there was a breeze but it wasn’t too cold, you could hear the birds waking up and chirping, you could smell the nature and most importantly you could feel Chan’s warmth. It was so quite that you could hear his heart beats and it was a sound you never thought you would need to hear for the rest of your life.

You watched the sunrise while he sang for you. You kept asking for him to sing for you and he kept choosing your comfort songs like he knew all of them. During those peaceful moments, your stomach started rumbling. You got shy and hid your face, he chuckled “Someone’s hungry. Come on don’t be shy, mine does that too.” You shook your head no. He took your hands away from your face. “But you cannot hide your face from me, it’s illegal. And you cannot eat if you stay like that so show me your pretty face.” You opened your phone camera and looked at yourself. “You still call me pretty with these?” You pointed at your fluffy eyes from crying. He took your phone and pointed at his eyes “Well I call myself handsome with these so yeah. You’re still a beauty to my eyes.” You snuggled into his arms and took a photo there. That photo was going to be the reminder of how right he felt for the rest of your relationship. “If you took our best shots, we should eat now baby.”

You spent the rest of that day together and at the end of the night, you got up on the rooftop. It was again full moon and you were snuggled up in his chest watching the moon and the stars. Talking about the shapes they created. Then with an instinct, you looked up at him. He asked what it was but you didn’t say anything, instead you leaned in and kissed him. When you pulled back, he was shocked. His eyes were as big as the moon, it was clear that he wasn’t expecting that. “Chan, I think I’m ready.”

“Y/n, this was amazing but please don’t do anything you are not really ready for. You know I will be here whatever you call the thing between us.” He kept telling you this until you kissed him again to shush him. “Then welcome to your new life as my partner.” He said while giving you an eskimo kiss. This was how your story started.

You’ve been with him for six months now. Everything was going great. You were working together, coming back home together. You did everything with him. There were times he begged you to go out with your friends cause they kept telling him how much they missed you, so you did but it wasn’t any fun without him. You always ended up coming back home to him before even ten p.m. He was your everything and you were his. There was a small problem though, which was your dad. For some reason he wasn’t approving your relationship. He was okay with you dating him but he didn’t want this to turn into something serious. He had some others in mind for you. And you hated all those rich arrogant bastards. Of course not all of them were bad but the ones you knew were just a bunch of assholes.

Even though your dad wasn’t okay with you and Chan, you knew you were going to find a way to be with him for the rest of your life. How could you not? But these perfect dreamy days came to an end when you made one of the biggest mistakes in your life.

One night you were sitting on the couch, crawled up in his arms watching whatever was on the tv. Then between your talks, he mentioned an ex of his was in town for a week and he told you that they were going to meet. Jealousy was never a problem in your relationship. He was the most understanding person ever and he trusted you. And it was the same for him too. You trusted that man with all your heart. But for some reason you got jealous over his ex being in town just to meet with him. You just said okay to him there and went to bed. But there was something eating you from the inside, you couldn’t sleep. So you thought it would be a good idea to check their socials and fuck they were hot, also they seemed familiar. Later you found out you were friends in high school. From seeing those photos, the worries in you grew and grew.

The day they were going to meet came. You decided to follow him which you knew was stupid but for some reason you needed to do it. So after kissing him goodbye, you got out right after him and followed him to the cafe they were meeting at. You thought you were hiding and being smart but you shouldn’t have underestimated your boyfriend. They sat there for an hour then he excused himself to the bathroom. When he went in, your phone rang. It was him. “Hi baby, what’s up? Are you having fun, say hi to your friend for me.” You were trying to act normal. “Y/n, please cut the act. I know you’re sitting at the table behind us. Why are you doing this? Please go home and I’ll be back in an hour, then we will talk.” And he closed. You were embarrased. You wished the ground could open and take you in at that moment. You knew it was wrong, you knew it.

You were walking around the house nervously, biting your nails, waiting for Chan to come home. All these scenarios of lies you were writing in your head but none was good enough to explain why you did that. After exactly and hour, he came. ‘I’m so fucked.’ You thought. He came in, sat on the couch and patted next to him, implying you to come sit. 

“Y/n before you say anything, I just want to say I’m not mad or anything. I’m just sad and disappointed. Why wouldn’t you trust me? Couldn’t I build that trust? I just don’t get it. Care to explain yourself now?” You wished he was mad, him being disappointed was so much worse.

“I uh I don’t know why I did that. I guess I got jealous but Chan I’m so so sorry. I know it was wrong. Please don’t hate me for this. It was so stupid of me.” 

“It’s okay y/n, I won’t hate you for this and you know that. Just... I don’t understand why you felt like that. Can’t I make you feel enough? Is it about that?” 

“No no you make me feel more than enough but I don’t know what got into me I’m sorry. You know I trust you.”

“I just need some time to understand this okay? We will figure it out.” Then he got up and left for a business dinner. You were upset, you were mad at yourself for not trusting a man like him who has never said a word about your friends, your clothes, nothing. He knew you could think for yourself and he respected you enough not to say anything. You changed into your pyjamas and poured yourself a drink. You needed to get your head off of this.

It was now past midnight and you were still drinking but it was not enough. So you changed into a night outfit and decided to go to a bar where you could dance it off. You drank there as well, the idea of not being able to think was in your mind and you were going for it. There were people hitting on you but you refused all of them. But there was this one guy you knew from college there, you talked about your old days for a while. After a couple of drinks together, you offered to take him home, not saying a single word about Chan, which you were going to regret later.

One thing led to another and there you were sitting on him, making out on your couch. The couch you and your boyfriend sat on every night. You were so wasted to realize what you were doing but then you heard the door unlock. And that was the most effective thing to wake you up from the world you were in. The front door opened right to the living room so the first thing Chan saw when he lifted his head was you, half-naked on top of another guy. He just looked at you in disgust. You could feel him being disgusted from his eyes, you could see the disappointment in his eyes. You fucked up. He wore his shoes back on and slammed the door. 

You froze, immediately got up and put on your shirt then asked for the guy to leave. He was judging you with his look. “Wow if I knew this was who you were, I wouldn’t have even said hi. I’ve met Chan before and you, oh you do not deserve him. You should be ashamed of yourself y/n. Please never contact me ever again.” And left.

How could one go back from this? What explanation could make this better? Chan was the most forgiving person you’ve ever came across to but this was something else. You knew you couldn’t expect him to forgive this. And even if he did, how were you going to forgive yourself? Your whole world shattered, you could physically feel your heart aching. What were you even thinking when you took your friend home? Why did you ever need another man’s touch when what you had was perfect? ‘Fuck how am I going to fix this?’ you kept asking yourself. You wanted to cry so bad but you couldn’t. 

There was a knot stuck at your throat and you couldn’t even gulp. Your chest has never felt this heavy before. You didn’t even know where he went, heck even if you did, you didn’t have the courage to face him right now. But you needed to know he was at least physically okay and safe. He was not the type to hurt himself but again you’ve never seen him this disappointed before.

After seeing you with some stranger man on your couch, Chan didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t feeling mad which was making it all worse. If he was mad, at least he could’ve punched a wall or something and get his anger out but no. All he could feel was disgust and for some reason, shame. Shame for you and shame for trusting you this much. He was planning on confronting you about you following him. All he needed was a reason and a sorry, then he was ready to forget it all. He was definetely not expecting to see what he just saw. 

He walked for an hour in the cold, empty streets, not even caring about where he was heading. The imagine of you there on the couch was choking him, he could feel his breathing getting hard. ‘I didn’t deserve this. Or maybe I did, yeah I probably did. There was something missing and I couldn’t fill that in. Why else would this happen?’ he kept thinking. He was this type to blame himself even when he didn’t do anything and he couldn’t help it. He loved you way too much to be mad at you, however he knew you were wrong.

He stayed at one of his friend’s place that night and you, you passed out on the bathroom floor. It was nearly sunrise when you woke up with a horrible headache and nausea. At first, you thought it was a normal hangover but then you remembered last night and you felt the cold tile under you. That realization that Chan was not besides you, hurt your heart once again. You wished there was a way to turn back time and fix all this. You slowly got up, your head was spinning like crazy. That moment you realized, once again, how much you got used to the existence of Chan. You knew if he was there, he would hold you, prepare you one of his magical hangover juices, help you take a warm bath and just be there for you through all day. You knew it and knowing that hurt even more. When you saw your reflection at the mirror, you burst into tears. 

‘He did not deserve this.’ you thought, knowing damn well he was blaming himself even for this. You needed to go to him and get him back. You washed your face and got dressed, ready to go to all of his friends’ houses then you heard the door open. You heard Chan putting down his keys and taking off his shoes. You had no idea how to approach to him, everything felt wrong. You slowly got out of the bedroom and head to the living room with your head down. You could feel his eyes on you but you couldn’t even dare to look at him. You were ashamed, never felt this low before.

“Y/n…”

Hearing your name from him made your heart jump. He never called you by your name, only when things were not cool between you two which has been like that for two days now. You liked being his baby, his sunshine, he even called you his star and his moon cause he knew how much they meant to you. Fuck, you made the biggest mistake. You looked up at him and immediately looked away, it was unbearable looking into his eyes while he is looking at you with such disbelief.

“We have to talk y/n. Please sit.”

He came up to the couch but then went to sit on a chair. He hated that couch, which was his relaxing and safe space for months. You sat on another chair in front of him. “Chan, can I first-” he cut you off. 

“Please, don’t say sorry y/n. You know I won’t buy that. Not this time. All night last night, I blamed myself, yes even for this. Then I realized how much I gave up of myself for you. It was all worth it, till yesterday. It fucking hurt to see you there spying on me y/n. Me out of all people huh? I tried everything I can to make you trust people again. I gave my everything to you. And this is what I get? Heck I was thinking of putting all this behind us but then I come home to see you half naked on top of a guy? What the fuck y/n?” he took his head between his hands, massaging his temples. It was weird seeing him like this, he never talked to you like that. But he had every right to do at that point. He was still being too nice actually.  

“I… I know Chan. I know I fucked up but please please tell me what I can do to make things right again. I’m ready to do everything for you... I know you don’t want my apology but that’s all I can say right now.”

Pure silence…

“Chan… please say something, please. Did I lose you?”

He lifted his head harshly. “I don’t know y/n, what do you think huh? How can I stay with you when you had some man’s hands all over your body? How can I still sit on that couch? How can I even breathe in this room? You give me the answers to that for fucks sake.”

You have never felt this sad before, not this ashamed. You felt dirty, thinking about someone else’s hand on your body and all the lies you told him to follow him that day.

“I can’t give any answers to those Chan, there’s nothing I can say to make it better. I’m ashamed of my behaviour. I don’t know what had gotten into me, you know I trust you mo-” he stopped you.

“Please don’t. You’ve lied enough. If you trusted me, then why did you follow me huh? You think I would ruin my relationship for some random person? You think I would do anything to lose you?” you opened your mouth to say something but he slammed a fist on the table.  You flinched. 

“I’m being naive again. You never cared enough to think those. Maybe at first you did but then you lost it. What was it that I couldn’t give to you? What made you sit on that fucker’s lap?” he shook his head. “This is fucking useless. This talk won’t change shit.”

“Chan… please don’t say things like that. I cared about us, I still do. I know my actions stated otherwise but you have to believe me. You are the one I love.”  

“I find that really hard to believe now y/n. You cannot expect me to forgive you for this.”

“I know I can’t but there has to be a way to fix this, to go back to how we were…”

He was shaking his leg, this always showed he needed to say something he didn’t want to. And you wished you didn’t know what he was going to say.

“There is no way y/n. Why is it this hard for you to understand it? I can forgive a lot but not this. I saw you with my own fucking eyes for fucks sake. How am I going to get that image out of my head? How am I going to delete that face you were making while he was kissing your neck huh? Would you be able to forgive me if I did the same? Fuck no.”

He was right, you hated that he was right. Just for this once you needed him to be wrong. He got up and took his jacket. “I guess this is goodbye y/n. I cannot stand to be here, not even one more second. Thank you for everything, this was good, we were good, while it lasted but I can’t do it anymore I’m sorry.”

Instinctively, you reached to hug him but then he gave you a look written ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ all over it. You immediately pulled yourself back. He was now at the door.

“Oh and you will not see me at work so don’t worry about that either. I’ll be leaving the company, already talked to your dad and oh good news by the way, he was so happy to hear that. You can be happy, we made the old man happy. I will come here in the office hours to collect my stuff.” You ran to the door to hold it so he can’t close. “Chan… please don’t go. I’m begging you please...This can’t be the end. I still love you so fucking much.” You got tears in your eyes, clenching your teeth not to cry.

“I’m sorry y/n, I cannot stay with you anymore. This is too much for me. Goodbye.” Then he left, not even looking behind. You crushed down on the floor, head between your hands, shaking, sobbing until to a point where you couldn’t even breath.

“No, no. You cannot leave me like this. Not after all we have been through.” You said but he was nowhere to hear those.

You never saw him ever again, didn’t hear a word from him. Nothing. He left nothing behind, just the good memories and his scent over his pillow. The only way to reach him was the moon. You talked to the moon every night, hoping somehow he will hear you..

#chan angst #chan fluff #bang chan angst #bang chan fluff #stray kids angst #skz angst #skz fluff #stray kids fluff #skz imagines #stray kids imagines #chan imagines #chan #bang chan #skz scenarios #stray kids scenarios #bang chan scenarios #chan scenarios

[haleviyah]

A Hispanic/ Latino Perspective: Border Clarification

This is one of the rare times I’m going to get somewhat political here, but these comments spread by the media are hitting to way close to home for me, so here I go.

Before you pounce on me, let me explain this: I am a moderate. I favor no sides, I don’t treat people by their titles but rather I prefer to judge by character even though I am not the best at it, admittedly. I favour and respect those who keep their word and own their mistakes. In short, if you do what you promise to do, you have my approval whereas if not, you will bear the brunt of my blunt rebukes and sarcastic remarks.

I am also from South Texas, specifically the Rio Grande Valley, and am a descendent of two humble Mexican families who since the Mexican Border War have made Texas their great escape and home.

Bit of a geographical reference, if you don’t know here where the Rio Grande Valley is. Look at the state of Texas, there is a bulge of state going in each direction that makes it look like a fat, lower-case ”t” : El Paso is the most West of the state, the Panhandle (Amarillo) the Northmost, Texarkana the most Eastward followed by Houston, and WAAAAAAY at the bottom is Brownsville and the Southernmost tip of Texas.

And for those of you too lazy to Google or "DuckDuckGo" the map yourself I've attached it:

The four counties: Hidalgo, Cameron, Starr and Willacy county make up the Rio Grande Valley. This is the region I grew up, the place where I experienced the best of a community and the worst of politics and failed promises.

For a bit of background: I have a parent working on the Border and they have been for many years (since I was a kid). Pretty much worked from a security officer to trooper within the span of a decade which is quite impressive and rare considering they never took bribes or anything to get where they were currently. They have told me off and on what their job is like. It’s crazy and boring some days, but also they have admitted somethings that may be fascinating. One of which is, yes, they do own horses and the reason why is so the Troopers can maneuver around tough terrain vehicles cannot go through (such as high water or narrow foot paths in brush). HOWEVER, they DO NOT OWN WHIPS. They don’t even own lassos, according to my Border Agent parent.

The only weapons agents on horse back have is a Glock, ammo, a taser, cuffs, and sometimes shot guns (but they prefer to carry light for the horses and themselves to be more flexible). They mainly carry items that would slow a person down or prevent them from hurting other people, officer or civilian; not for killing. So a whip is absolutely redundant or even absurd to have.

Those long ropes the Troopers are holding are called reins, and they are designed for steering a horse (horses cannot move opposite of the direction of their head; where their head is pointed they move in that direction). They are not made for whipping people, but rather made to get the horse’s attention. That’s it.

I took the liberty of highlighting the reins in red for you all as well as their arms and legs in blue and yellow in contrast to the reins and saddle.

It's clear from a Texan's or horse-riders perspective this Trooper almost fell off catching the other fellow and was holding onto the left rein for dear life hence why the horse looked distressed and its cheek was pulled back.

I'm not joking, you fucking try it if you're so damn horse-smart.

Now, let's look at a more relaxed position.

In short, if you haven't ridden a horse, I advise to keep your comments to yourself on this part. I have and it's way harder than it looks (horses can get cocky).

Second thing, the migrants.

Personally, I don’t know why they were so squirrelly that day. Perhaps they were spooked because they’ve never expected horse back riders to show up, maybe they had some bad experiences back home.

I don’t know!

But it’s clear there appears to be a lack of communication. Perhaps it’s the language barrier given that these guys came from Haiti, African countries and Brazil. English they probably know, but they probably don’t speak a lick of Spanish (Which both languages are mandatory for the Border Patrol).

(Again, I don't know...)

So the reasons why they started running circles around the Troopers’ horses is not for me to speculate, it’s not for YOU to defend blindly, nor is it up for the media to interpret and evangelize.

That should be left to the people to explain. No one else.

(Update: September 29th. I received a tip from a source that the Haitian immigrants (mainly) are not running from anything, they aren’t seeking asylum nor were in poverty as the media claims. They have admitted upon interview they were what we consider middle-low class and had no issues finding jobs before they decided to migrate northward. They’re just coming because they were told to come by “you-know-who”… that’s all. I know, I’m taken aback and scratching my head, too… but anyway. I digress, but do take note.)

Now, another bit of feedback I want to share: When it comes to dealing with Troopers (again, must I remind you this is a Border Patrol agent’s kid speaking), big rule:

DO NOT RUN nor MAKE THREATENING MOVEMENTS. Be calm.

It’s a simple rule, if you’re cool with the Troopers they’ll be cool with you. That’s it. Please respectfully keep in mind, these guys are trained to be safe rather than sorry. So patience and understanding with them is a must. Trust me, I’ve met my parent’s co-workers, they may look stoic and scary or condescending, but they can not let personal emotions interfere their work otherwise they risk safety.

They’re not “paranoid” or “harsh” they just have a job they cannot afford to fuck up otherwise the whole region is FUCKED. They’re the front line of defense, and do keep that in mind.

(Another footnote: I have seen Border Patrol offices, and without giving away how they function it’s not like CIA or Langley level of clean or fancy, so don’t think their offices are high tech and have marble floors with comfy lounges that cost a lot of money. Upon first glance you won’t expect the building to be an office. Border Patrol work with what they have available which isn’t a lot thanks to the ’00, ’04, ’08, ’12 and current administrations. That’s all I can give out.)

I’m going to come clean here and say the citizens in the Rio Grande Valley and the rest of Texas DO NOT FEEL SAFE with a border this wide open and no regulation is applied. Especially the Hispanic/Latino communities. So the pressure is on - and I mean REALLY on! Despite these guys working the Border are overwhelmed, they keep those emotions and opinions on lockdown when on the field. Like I said: If they fuck up, the region is fucked.

Bit of a history lesson: the Border issues on the Rio Grande are not new. Matter of factly, this problem has been happening for decades (The popular peak was during the 80s when cocaine was being distributed), but it was more than just cocaine and pot: Kids were going missing, people getting killed, women were used as mules and sold for sex, etc.

If you watched “Narcos” or “Sicario” you have a brief, dramatized taste of how the cartels function and what life is like for us Latinos. However, coming from someone who grew up there, the parts of watching your back, the abductions and even the gruesome murders are legit. To this day I remember seeing local news coverage (not CNN or MSNBC, our own stations down in the McAllen/Brownsville area) of beheadings, child murders and bodies being found in pieces… It’s something I hope my children won’t have to grow up hearing almost weekly like I did. Now it’s daily… and no one cares. And that hurts.

In the grand scheme of things, at least know this: South Texas has been part of the Cartel battle grounds and it’s obvious we’ve seen shit. Constantly being ignored is the payment we get for being front lines in the Drug War. So don’t blame us for being jumpy, or skeptical, nor even try convince us that the current surplus of immigrants is a good thing.

You can’t argue with our own experiences and history. The way things work down here is simple: You fight along side us, we fight along side you.

It’s called building trust, practicing faith. But we’ve been forgotten and lied to too many times by celebrities and politicians and social movements alike. And those who actually were going to help us are either shut down or unfortunately killed.

We just can’t trust anyone anymore. We are resorting to fending for ourselves basically, speaking up for ourselves… and so far it’s making progress in the mean time.

This level of “doing things on your own” bleeds into why our Troopers are trained they way they are trained - to expect the worst case scenario. To prepare themselves for the corpses, when a criminal pounces, the drugs being hid, for when they find a child with an adult they don’t know, or even a woman who was violated. They just genuinely don’t want to take chances and you just read why. Even my in-laws up in the Northern Midwest are disturbed.

So, considering the case of what happened a few days ago in Del Rio, Texas (as of writing this on September 25th 2021): If you run from a Trooper the first thing they are going to think is either two things:

You did something bad upon coming in to the country or

You don’t want your former government to find you because you did crimes in your home country or the country you were hiding in.

This is protocol, not biased opinions.

If, however, a Trooper commits any form of irresponsibility (such as abusing their power, unreasonable search and seizures etc.) it’s “kiss your badge good-bye” and DEMOTED or FIRED. The stakes of keeping your job in the Border Patrol are HIGH, so they are trained not to act out of line. Even a minor slip up in paper work from being fatigued gets you in SEVERE trouble with the Higher Ups and the County (Yes, that does happen and has happened). But you have to KNOW Border Patrol standards before you accuse them of anything.

With that being said, what’s floating around is not a constructive argument; it’s a distraction. How the public is demanding the trooper in the photo to be fired, tells us Latinos loud and clear that - once again - no one cares about our livelihood; no one is willing to brave enough to face the real hell going on. We are ignored or low-key demonized for simply defending ourselves.

(Now, you guys are seeing why I relate to my Jewish husband and the Israeli’ citizens - Arab and Jew - more; we’re pretty much in the same boat in the case of being ignored. But I digress.)

Before I come to a conclusion, here are other demographic facts to keep in mind that way it’ll help draw conclusions:

86.6% of the Border Patrol is HISPANIC/LATINO in the State of Texas alone.

A majority of children stolen from their families or molested are HISPANIC/LATINO.

A majority of the women violated immigrants on the border are mainly HISPANIC/LATINO.

Latin America collectively (Mexico down to Colombia and Venezuela) has the highest rates of femicide in the world.

So for you or anyone to get angry at Border Patrol agents in an unjust manner, not only are you getting mad at Hispanics and Latinos in UNIFORM for fighting to keep their communities safe, but you are actively contributing to the hell our families go through every day.

When you protest in demand for our cops or even troopers to be defunded, and fired for petty things, YOU are actively contributing to the problem of human trafficking, rape, kidnappings and murder that happens on the border. You are contributing to the Hispanic and Latino communities being dismantled and disintegrated by people who potentially want to kill us or hate us for money’s sake.

Take all of that into consideration before you get angry at anyone here.

In short:

I’ll only consider the accusations if you yourselves have been there and know the burdens we bear.

I’ll only consider your judgement if you genuinely are in law enforcement and know how to ride a horse and try to stop someone from running while riding the beast.

I’ll only consider your feedback if you don’t rely heavily on news like CNN, Telemundo and Tumblr for your information.

Until you grab a gun and fight the cartel yourself, and figure out a way to end this war on human trafficking, don’t come to us Latinos and express that you care and appreciate us.

Because frankly if you GENUINELY did, you’d bring to light what I just said and be slamming the desks at D.C. and DEMANDING the Border to be CLOSED by now.

Regardless of your political and personal beliefs, this is what is REALLY going on, and we’re going to keep fighting. Like the Israeli’s we don’t give a fuck if you hate us. We’re not radicals, we’re not blood-thirsty heathens, we’re not white supremacists (80+% of our population is of Latino Mexican descent) we’re just fed up with running away and being taken advantage of or taken for granted by people who value money over the lives of our neighbors.

If this were California, fine! Rail all you want, cuss us out as much as you want; hold us to those to California standards you keep yourself. But we’re not California.

We’re not D.C., nor Chicago, nor L.A., or New York, Florida, Canada, Mexico or whatever. We are SOUTH TEXAS so treat us as SOUTH TEXAS.

Honor us for who we are and hold us to the standards of what is SOUTH TEXAS, what is The United States Constitution, and the Texas Constitution; nothing more and nothing less. Don’t tear us down for what we’re not nor hold us accountable to an opinion or law we never agreed to nor knew existed.

That’s all I ask: If you’re not willing to honour our community and help us while holding us to our standards on a cultural, State or Federal level, back the fuck off. Generations we’ve dealt with the pressure from both the cartel and corrupt government from both the U.S. and Mexico, and the last thing we need is pampered kids living in the high rises or going to university on loans from school or your parents' paychecks, telling us how to deal with our issues.

You are FAR from a place to tell us how to function and resolve our war.

I’m not trying nor want to start a fight or otherwise, but I’m simply, humbly asking: when did we ever genuinely ask you “social justice advocates” to be our hero?

When did we ever ask you to fight for us or talk about what you think is wrong with us? Because last I checked we don’t want to drag anyone into our battles.

Also, we only know one messiah, but we never asked you to be him nor for him to act like you.

Did you start throwing punches because you wanted to find something to excuse your anger and outbursts, or is your good intentions married with ignorance?

Either case… it’s extremely unhealthy of you, and please just stop before another person gets hurt. We don’t want that. This is no different from the Crusades our ancestors took part in, and it will only end in more carnage than already sown.

So, just please, stop and take a step back for a moment. We don’t need anymore vehement evangelical-like people who just think with their ideals and not take a moment to have a healthy discussion with the One who created us, or let alone divorce their lust for a fight for ten seconds.

To close this off, even though I haven’t been home in a while, I know the spirit and the struggles the Rio Grande Valley goes through. I have met people on the run from the cartel first hand, and I have met people who may have ties with the cartel. I have seen some creepy shit, I have grown frustrated over the Protestant Baptist church doing nothing, and I have even been feeling the pressure my parent goes through with these apathetic riots threatening their job as a Border Patrol agent.

But aside from the pain, I am tremendously blessed that people and my family are still very optimistic despite the craziness and how bleak things are.

The family-oriented culture of the Rio Grande Valley is what is keeping it together… not trends, not clout and neither these guys in D.C. or Hollywood who are playing G-d.

It's the family-oriented connection. Our faith, that's keeping us going.

And even though I may not be the best voice of that region to speak up, I am blessed to have been there and I do plan on coming back soon.

I am planning on giving a more fun journal featuring the culture of the Rio Grande Valley in the future to finish this month off, but for the sake of this “Hispanic Heritage Month” I wanted to share our REAL issues we deal with rather than the made up ones that media likes to mainstream for money and clout.

In a way, I hope this offers clarity and a level of empathy. Again, I’m not sharing this to start fights or get sympathy - we don’t want it. We just want to know if our fights are not ignored, we just want to know we are heard.

That’s all.

#hispanic #hispanic lives matter #hispanic heritage month #latino #latin community #mexico #usa #rio grande valley #rio grande valley native #latino mexican #mexican #border patrol #border crisis #hatian immigrants #border agents #horseback #horse riding #cartel #human trafficking awareness #human trafficking #drug wars #drug war #real issues #issues #ignored issues #ignored voices #south texas #del rio texas #rebuke #latino speaking

[thewatsonbeekeepers]

Chapter 3 – Death Cannot Stop True Love… [HLV 1/1]

… All it can do is delay it for a while. Whilst Westley’s hair in that film horribly resembles my lockdown hair, more happily the fantastic movie The Princess Bride continues to resemble Sherlock – there was a very popular meta on the links between the two for a while there that can be found here: X.

This chapter is going to run through EMP theory as it begins, covering mainly the second half of HLV. It’s important to note, however, that the first half of the episode provides a lot of clues about the way certain images function in the mind palace, which backs up EMP theory quite nicely – the last ideas that Sherlock has going around in his brain before he is shot inevitably swirl around in there whilst he’s unconscious and form an important part of the train of association.

I toyed with the entirety of HLV being in EMP, because parts of it are weird (think Magnussen pissing in Baker Street, or the fucky MP glasses), but I ultimately dismissed it, though I’m willing to be challenged on this. I dismissed it as being a part of Sherlock’s post-wedding drug abuse for a few reasons. The first is that we only see Sherlock wake up from his drug abuse, not go into it – EMP is something that’s going to be hard for viewers to swallow, and Mofftiss are actually quite good at dropping big hints and drawing attention to the important bits along the way. That’s really not the case in the crack den, which is well integrated into the plot and has no traces of Sherlock’s mind palace. The second is that, actually, the premise of HLV is far too integrated into the main plot of s3 to be entirely MP – the CAM stuff and Janine at John and Mary’s wedding could be Sherlock extrapolating, but it seems like a bizarre extrapolation to make given how much fuckier the s4 mysteries are (London aquarium, Culverton’s drugging, the entirety of TFP) - the only MP fuckiness we get in HLV really takes place after Mary shoots Sherlock, like the restaurant scene with CAM or the Appledore Vaults being his MP. Mary shooting Sherlock also has far too many throwbacks with Norbury and Eurus in s4 to be completely irrelevant. So, with that in mind – let's go.

To understand what’s going on in HLV, we’re going to need to understand the metafiction going on – and this is where a good knowledge of acd canon comes in. Most of HLV isn’t actually based on His Last Bow, but on Charles Augustus Milverton X. To give a brief synopsis (although I would thoroughly recommend this story, not least because it’s incredibly queer) Holmes is engaged by Lady Eva Brackwell (Lady Smallwood in our world) to stop Milverton (Magnussen) from showing her husband some indiscreet letters she wrote to a squire some years ago. Holmes realises he can’t get Milverton under the law, so gets engaged in disguise to Milverton’s housemaid (Janine) in order to break in and burgle him. Watson agrees to come too. When they break in, Milverton is talking to another woman (Mary) who shoots him in revenge for Milverton’s use of information causing her husband’s suicide. She escapes and Holmes and Watson burn all of Milverton’s letters, and then escape. They refuse to help Lestrade solve the murder.

All of this lines up pretty evenly with HLV until the moment when Sherlock is shot. Admittedly there are minor changes to the Smallwood plot line (who committed what indiscretion), but these are minor and seem to be to make the plot work in the modern day – nobody cares if someone has a working-class ex anymore. But we get huge canon divergence from the shooting scene onwards.

Sherlock believes that Mary is Smallwood because of her perfume. This is a rational enough assumption to make, but it’s not just based on perfume. We know that since Lady Smallwood has engaged Holmes, Lord Smallwood has committed suicide – so she fits the profile of the blackmailee from Charles Augustus Milverton perfectly. She fits the patterns that Sherlock expects to see in his deductions. Mary does not – our first point of canon divergence. It sets up a painful parallel between John and Mary and the couple from Charles Augustus Milverton; they never name the indiscretion that led the husband in acd canon to kill himself, and given the company that Doyle kept (Wilde, Douglases including Lord Francis Douglas, who was thought to have killed himself shortly after being ennobled – much like the unnamed nobleman - because of his sexuality) it seems reasonable to assume this silence is euphemistic. Let that mirror linger in your thoughts, because it’s important.

Mary is the housemaid who has broken in to shoot Magnuessen/Milverton – so far so good. Although Holmes was hidden in the original stories, he was still present and sympathetic; the logical canon-following route here is for Mary to kill Magnussen, and that’s exactly what Sherlock expects her to do – but she doesn’t. She shoots him instead, and Sherlock can’t understand this. As we’ll see, he spends the rest of HLV trying to justify this pattern-breaking to himself, and is finally unable to.

Once Sherlock has been shot, the Molly/Anderson/Jim/Mycroft section which sets up EMP is fairly self-explanatory – the only thing I want to dive into here to point out is that this is the first appearance of Jim in the EMP, as a kind of restrained beast, and his most pivotal line is the fear he represents: John Watson is definitely in danger. This sets up what he’s going to represent for the rest of the EMP sequence. Other people have delved into the rest of this section before, and extensively – I don’t have a huge amount to add. We know John is in danger from Magnussen, because that’s ostensibly why Mary was there, but she didn’t seem to care as much as the housemaid from the initial stories did. We also know from the original stories that Magnussen has the power to make John suicidal, but in this story he hasn’t yet – but because of this, Sherlock senses that the danger is much more than a loss of reputation. It’s heart-re-starting-ly important.

The next bit I want to jump into is Sherlock’s conversation with Janine in the hospital. A lot of people have argued that this is one of the only real moments following Mary shooting Sherlock, and that Janine fiddling with the taps is part of what induces Sherlock’s fucky mind palace wanderings. I don’t buy into that theory – the more I think about this scene, the less it makes sense as being real in the context of EMP theory. The first reason for this is, very simply, that it means Sherlock has woken up after the realisation that John is in danger. The driving idea behind EMP theory is that Sherlock has to spend s4 making that realisation and trying to wake up – having that actually happen at the very start of EMP, only to be aborted, is bizarre. Secondly, it completely negates the idea that Mary’s actions are possibly fatal, which is a theme that reverberates through s4 (and all the chapters of this meta) - if Janine fiddling with the taps is what pushes Sherlock back into his MP, then by rights Janine should appear in S4, instead of the preoccupation it has with Mary and shooting.

What, then, is going on here? Sherlock is told by MP!Jim that John is in danger – and then imagines he wakes up. In his MP, Janine appears, puts him in pain and puts him back under. She, then, is the reason he can’t wake up. Janine has been Sherlock’s beard, and it’s quite possible to read her as being a symbol of Sherlock’s repression, but I think that’s a simplification; discounting TAB, Janine doesn’t appear again, and even then it’s minimal, whereas s4 is literally built around the concept of repression. As I go into in a lot more detail in chapter 9 (X), which is about the use of drugs to mask our darkest secrets in TLD, it’s the drugs that represent Sherlock’s deepest repression, in this case the morphine that he uses to mask the pain. Having Janine be the one who is fucking with the taps simply makes the link clearer, particularly when we might not associate hospital drugs with the other kind of drugs that Sherlock normally takes to take the pain away – however, it’s clear that the drugs that anaesthesise his pain do the same job as Janine – hide his queerness. Janine turned vindictive causes him intense pain, and he needs to turn back to the drugs to slip back under. Bearding was always temporary in this show, at least for Sherlock; drug abuse is a consistent problem and becomes a running metaphor for Sherlock’s repression in the EMP.

Janine being a symbol here helps me to make sense of the couple of lines that didn’t make sense to me otherwise. If Janine were real, getting rid of the bees would be awful – she gets the future our boys want and she destroys it. But if she’s a symbol in Sherlock’s mind of that bearding, and a barrier to waking up and saving John, then her sitting there, pushing him back into a coma and tearing away the future he longs for – that makes a lot of sense, and is 100% more devastating. The other line that has never made sense to me is Janine telling Sherlock that he could have just been honest with her, that she knows what kind of man he is. This line doesn’t make sense unless she means a gay man. I would be really interested to know how else this can be construed. This line can make sense in the real world if we accept that Janine is working with Mary – which must be true anyway, because otherwise Mary can’t get to CAM – and also wants Sherlock to get involved in that situation, although God knows why – the Janine-is-Jim's-sister theory feels like it might work here, but I don’t think there’s enough evidence for me to unravel it. If Janine genuinely does open the door out of affection for Sherlock, regardless of her relationship with Mary (the two aren’t mutually exclusive), Janine knowing Sherlock is gay doesn’t make sense at all - but Sherlock’s mind turning that beard back on himself to mock him? Absolutely makes sense. Remember, this is the loathing that pushes him back into the deep coma – this scene is really pivotal.

Sherlock vanishing from the hospital bed, despite being nearly dead, is pretty much medically impossible, and is probably the first impossible thing that we see happen in EMP – but it should be a red flag that that’s where we are. It’s also nice and symbolic of his movement away from that surface level, a level which we see him return to briefly in the hospital scenes in TLD when he realises his place in John’s heart. Touching stuff.

We then move into Sherlock’s interrogation of Mary behind the facade of the houses. In case we missed the reference, Mofftiss actually have the phrase the empty house used, a reference to The Adventure of the Empty House X, the story on which TEH is meant to be based. It is telling, though, that very little of The Empty House features in TEH, other than that it is the moment when Sherlock comes back. Others have commented on the minor relevance of Moran to the story and hypothesised that Mary is the real Moran – I think that the facade scene presents that as a genuine possibility. I don’t want to overstate the similarities that The Empty House bears to HLV, but Mofftiss do draw attention to it – and there is something interesting about the criminal being revealed by Holmes only after the criminal thinks they’ve killed him. That bears a particular relevance to Mary – and links her to Moriarty as his potential second-in-command. The most important link, however, is that in The Empty House, Holmes tricks Moran into incriminating himself by creating a dummy Holmes for Moran to shoot at. It’s true that Mary doesn’t shoot at dummy Sherlock (John) here, but the dummy is set up to incriminate her, and she acknowledges that this is a basic trick, one she should have known before. The links of the empty house and the dummy, both made explicitly familiar in the dialogue, do a lot to link Mary’s character to acdcanon!Moran.

This, however, all takes place in Sherlock’s brain. In several scenes, we’ve had Sherlock engage with two concepts in his mind that he can’t know about; one is Sebastian Moran in The Empty House, which only takes place in ACD canon, but even if you think that link is tenuous, he’s also engaged with his canon future as a beekeeper in Sussex. And then, on top of this, there is the problem of Mary versus the housemaid from Charles Augustus Milverton. My suggestion is that these aren’t just jokes put in by Mofftiss to say look-we've-read-the-books – Sherlock's mind is actually using the bees from the original stories to negotiate his relationship with his sexuality, and The Empty House to try to understand Mary’s motives. This is confirmed on a grand scale by TAB – he goes back to ACD canon!Holmes to navigate the problems of his everyday life – so Sherlock is not just a modern Sherlock Holmes, he is on some level self-aware of his existence as a fictional character. As we’ll see going through, his awareness of the existing canon of stories is fascinating and tied up in his repression – how do we break out of canon character, and what has canon been hiding, are two questions which repeatedly come to the fore. Mary is the character who most consistently breaks these canon expectations – a lot of TAB is about this – and that’s something he really struggles to contend with, and is one of the reasons that the reality of canon!verse starts to break down in TAB – it's not sustainable, and it doesn’t tell the full story. These two moments early on in EMP show him negotiating his identity and his experiences in his mind in relation to what he knows about Sherlock Holmes – an early iteration of a theme that’s going to become much larger.

The first thing Sherlock does after being pushed under by Janine is go and interrogate who Mary is in his brain, whilst also working out her impact on John. Sherlock comes up with a pretty reasonable background for who she is in the Leinster Gardens scene, but this isn’t really what’s important – it's the The Empty House parallel which sees him subconsciously making the link to Moriarty. ACDcanon!Moran, unlike bbc!Moran, was the last assassin sent after Sherlock from Moriarty’s network – this means that the dismantling-Moriarty's-network plot from the start of TEH becomes more than a fill-in-the-blanks montage, it means that the show retains its key villain to the end – it structurally works, in a way that other plot-level ideas haven’t. [@ eurus holmes. anyway]

Something that’s interesting here, is that there is a real shift away from the implications of the dummy in acd canon. In acd canon, Moran attempts to murder Holmes, which is a way of catching him in the act and sending him to prison. This is about catching Mary in the act in a similar sense, but it’s about being caught by John. This is interesting, because it shows that Sherlock’s priorities have shifted from acd canon – or, more accurately, we’re seeing the priorities that weren’t reported in the Strand. The emotional impact on John is far more important than the legal ramifications – and this in itself is the shift which the creators have been pretty emphatic about taking from the original stories.

John often represents the heart in Sherlock’s MP – I haven’t quite worked out how to distinguish between heart!John and Sherlock’s imagined John yet, and am flying on instinct, which is definitely not sustainable! But it strikes me that a lot about HLV and TST is about understanding the impact of this shooting on John, and that therefore this needs to be John as Sherlock imagines him.

We’re still with Sherlock’s imagined John as we move into “the Watsons’ domestic” in 221B – but, as so many have pointed out, for a domestic between the Watsons, they feature very little as a couple! The core emotional dialogue is often said to come between John and Sherlock, but despite Martin Freeman’s excellent performance in this scene, that’s not strictly true either. The centre of this scene is Sherlock explaining John’s love for Mary. It’s not about the Watsons – it's about Sherlock understanding what’s going on, which fits into EMP theory exactly. I firmly believe that Sherlock begins his EMP trip believing that John loves Mary, and slowly unravels the threads to realise that it’s actually him John cares about, and this scene is testament to the first part – the deduction that he makes about John loving Mary is flawless, but despite explicitly referencing himself, he fails to see the obvious – hiding in plain sight - that such a deduction could equally be applied to himself. He’ll get there in the end (TLD), but right now, that’s what makes this scene so painful for me.

Turning Mary into a client is about moving into the rational part of Sherlock’s brain, trying not to let emotion cloud it, even though it’s incongruous and unworkable. We’ll see Sherlock’s brain and heart slowly integrate, finally uniting in TFP, but for now he thinks rationality is the way forward. This also helps us to set out a framework for what happens with Mary in the EMP – clients are deduced, worked out, they present problems - never forget Mary being framed as the abominable bride – and that’s what is happening here. She is the first problem of the extended mind palace to be solved.

But this scene is metafictional too, because it gets to the core nub of Mary – as John puts it, she wasn’t supposed to be like that. And, canonically, he’s right. If we follow acd!canon, Mary is not meant to be an assassin, but more importantly for HLV, she’s also supposed to save her husband. She’s meant to be all-out devoted shoot-Magnussen type – but instead she shoots Sherlock. When John says that, then, it’s not just a nod to an updated show – it’s a genuine problem that Sherlock has to contend with, because in neither acd!Mary scenario nor housemaid!Mary scenario is she obeying the framework of a woman who loves her husband. This failing marriage is not in the stories, it’s not supposed to happen, and things that come outside of established canon come outside of Sherlock’s pre-programmed mould – we can think of this as a way of thinking about our own childhood programming to be straight/cis/etc., but in a more self-conscious, literary way!

And then, Sherlock’s response: you chose her. That’s why she’s different, and this is actually a vital line. It suggests that the programmed canon that we know these boys follow, because they have to – that’s not what this show is about. Our characters are agents, and for the first time in history, their lives are dictated by free choice. John chose this Mary, not the Mary of canon – and Sherlock himself makes explicit the comparison between John choosing Mary and John choosing Sherlock. The heart of the story is the choices that can be made for the first time. How incredibly exciting.

The ambulance people coming into Baker Street (seemingly without the door being unlocked?) is, I think, the real world blending with the mind palace world here – although not paramedics, there are people currently trying to restart Sherlock’s heart, and this scene shows us that he’s trying hard inside his brain, he’s working with them – he really doesn’t want to die. The idea of the outside world taking on a physical form in his MP is not incredibly hard to believe – I really recommend watching s02e02 of Inside No. 9, written by Mark Gatiss’s League of Gentlemen co-stars Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton, an episode which pulls this off marvellously, although with a big cn: for death. In this moment in Sherlock, we get the lovely lines

Sherlock She saved my life.

John She shot you.

Sherlock Eh – mixed messages, I grant you.

These lines are delivered so quickly between the two of them that it feels like Sherlock is talking to himself, like Mary isn’t even in the room. The way BC delivers ‘mixed messages’ – it’s as though there’s still a problem, bbc!Mary hasn’t been reconciled to good!Mary yet.

The next section on our whistle-stop tour is Christmas with Mummy and Daddy. Plenty of people have pointed out how Mummy and Daddy are very clear mirrors for our boys – you can see here X, or you can just look at this picture to be honest.

The Christmas scene doesn’t make sense in the timeline – there's a great timeline diagram here X that shows how much fuckier than any other episode HLV is (excluding TSoT and everything post s3), and that doesn’t even take into account all of the jumping between scenes that we see in the Christmas bit. Jumping from Leinster Gardens to Christmas to Baker Street and back several times is chronologically odd and doesn’t seem to serve a purpose, except to show that the rift between John and Mary has lasted for months – and even that didn’t need such a complex interweaving of flashbacks that is so at odds with the show. It’s also at odds with the plot – why on earth did Mummy and Daddy invite John for Christmas, if he’s no longer living with Sherlock, and even stranger, why did they invite Mary if John and Mary haven’t been on speaking terms for months? This isn’t the way human beings behave. There’s also an old adage in writing which says to never move a conversation to a new place – it’s a waste of time and space. Have the conversation here, or have it there. Don’t abort it for no reason – and that’s exactly what they do here. Mofftiss are pretty experienced, and I’m inclined to believe that they’ve done it for a reason.

So, in MP terms, why does Sherlock gravitate towards his family home instead of Baker Street as the location to unravel John’s relationship with Mary? Bearing in mind that this is a continuation of the interrogation of their relationship, it seems interesting that he chooses to juxtapose them to the only loving couple we see in this television programme. Like a lot of parallels in EMP, this is something that our dads choose to draw our attention to; Daddy says to Mary “you’re the sane one”, as though every happy relationship has a sane one and a mad genius. And they draw attention to it again – Mary points out that Sherlock brought them here to see a fine example of happily married life.

Except, of course, like so much of this interrogation of John and Mary’s relationship in HLV and onwards, this doesn’t quite ring true. Because, of course, there is no mad genius in the Watsons’ relationship, and in terms of sanity Mary is certainly not the sane one. It’s like Sherlock is trying to fit them into the domestic bliss mould, but they just won’t quite go there. The comparison won’t quite be made.

The conversation between Sherlock and Mycroft, who has been established as his brain in TSoT (I cannot find this meta! Where Mycroft is brain and John is heart! Can anyone help?), is pretty straightforward – the brain is interrogating Sherlock’s obsession with the Magnussen case and why he can’t just let it go, and the emotion we see here from Sherlock is more powerful than pretty much anything we get in real life. I actually think this scene is one of the most vulnerable moments he has in the show – and there’s no way that vulnerability would be to Mycroft in real life. There’s also, crucially, no reason why MI6 should actually want Sherlock dead this early. It’s another tell-tale sign that the surface plot doesn’t make sense – we should be looking deeper. Sherlock has just brought down a terrorist network – MI6 should love him. What Mycroft is actually putting forward is that already, way before Sherlock kills Magnussen, pretty much as soon as he enters EMP this is a two-way fork. He can choose to die at any point. But he doesn’t.

There’s something that I really don’t understand here, though, which I think is important – Sherlock drugging the family with the help of Wiggins. This motif of drugging is something which comes back time and again to represent Sherlock’s repression – but here he’s not drugged. Wiggins is also a symbol of repression, but again he’s completely sober. Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated – I don’t like loose ends, and I don’t believe that another use of drugs is insignificant!

Then we have a quick flashback to the canteen scene. A lot of EMP theory has drawn on the canteen scene, and how phenomenally dreamlike the entire situation is. There is no way this can take place in Speedy’s – in terms of the timeline, it can’t even take place in the hospital canteen! However, it seems to draw on a mental image of Speedy’s because of the visual similarities between them (referenced in this meta, although this meta makes the argument for the reality of the scene X). Magnussen doesn’t seem to even have a bruise, despite being battered by Mary’s gun. This scene cannot exist. Magnussen picking at Sherlock’s food has often been seen as a metaphor for Sherlock being sexually assaulted whilst comatose, which is something I buy into – the food=sex metaphor has been striking from the beginning, and it suits Magnussen’s power play. It’s also quite possible in this scene that Sherlock thinks that everything fucky is real, and the absolute fuckiness of this scene draws it out – this is the scene that foreshadows the realisation that Magnussen is working from his MP, and of course that’s a realisation that Sherlock needs to make himself. The scene opens with a moment of dislocation – is this the hospital canteen or not? – and is about Sherlock working out what’s happening to him.

What’s really striking is that John has brought his gun to Christmas lunch, however. Bear in mind John-being-suicidal is the realisation that Sherlock is going to come to in TLD, but it’s prefigured here. We haven’t seen John’s gun since ASiP, when it was used to indicate that he was suicidal. It’s suddenly come back, but Sherlock misses its significance – he expects John to have it, but he doesn’t focus on the significance of the gun itself. He’s still thinking in terms of Mary and Magnussen. What’s significant is that John throws him the coat, which has the gun weighing down in its pocket. This prefigures that scene in TLD -

Faith!Eurus, who is a mirror for John in TLD, is thrown the bag, and we see Sherlock weigh it and then realise there’s a gun in it – too late. A bag is the female equivalent of a coat (*cries about pockets*) and the throwing motif with the heavy gun inside it is a clear link between the two moments. Sherlock didn’t recognise the significance of the gun in the first one, possibly because he couldn’t process the situation without mirrors (more on the importance of Eurus as a series of heterosexual mirrors later). When he realises in TLD that he’s made a mistake, that there’s something he’s missed, the implication isn’t that he’s missed it in his analysis of Faith!Eurus, because in no sense of the word does Faith!Eurus exist. What it means is that he missed it in his first, cursory analysis of John. Not the heaviness, but exactly what it meant. The symbols of John’s suicidal ideation start to appear and threaten to break in right up until the end of TLD – this is arguably the first point we start to see them.

Hypothesis theory – that Sherlock is running simulations in his MP – is not something I hold with through all of EMP, but I do hold with it to the end of HLV. It’s something that we know Sherlock does in real life because of THoB, both in acd!canon and in bbc!canon – he stages something in order to prove it to himself. In this case, he’s not able to see the war between Mary and Magnussen play out, so he’s running it himself, and we’ve already seen him desperately trying to prove Mary’s innocence, and more than that her love for John. But this trip to Appledore will prove that impossible.

It’s possible that the Appledore Vaults being Magnussen’s MP is the first time that Sherlock recognises that this is a simulation, and that this isn’t real. He certainly looks incredibly distressed, although that could also be because of the immense danger he’s put John in. However, the vaults being a mind palace doesn’t make sense as surface plot, as so many have pointed out – we’ve literally seen the letters before. (I grant that Magnussen could be bluffing, but it seems odd to draw attention to the letters having a physical form nevertheless.) However, the fact that Magnussen’s MP is in vaults underground is really interesting – imagery to do with going deeper and deeper into Sherlock’s mind is pretty much always falling or sinking, as seen in both TAB and TST in particular. That idea of descending into one’s mind is prefigured very neatly here, and should get us thinking about height generally (I’ve talked about the reverse side of this in the previous chapter X). I also think, although am not an expert on sound, that we can hear a slight eerie dripping when Magnussen walks through the vaults, which ties thematically to the water that is linked to falling/sinking in the rest of the EMP.

Fast forward past the face-flicking, and Sherlock shoots Magnussen. This is the culmination of the metafictionality of the episode, and I think it’s really fantastic. The simulation that Sherlock has run to prove that Mary loves John has failed, because the only way to save John is to kill Magnussen and he’s the only one who can do it – so in short, Sherlock becomes the housemaid, not Mary. He takes on the role, and it breaks canon completely. He’s supposed to be above that, disinterested – but instead he becomes the woman who kills out of love for her husband. He is no longer filling the traditional role of Sherlock Holmes in the narrative. He has disproven the point he needed to make – and so, as brain!Mycroft seems to suggest, deeper waters still. The cut to little Louis Moffat screaming in the firing line instead of BC is another hint that this isn’t real – we might just about accept it here as showing Sherlock’s vulnerability, but given that the entirety of series 4 is about childhood trauma coming back up, the resurgence of a screaming child of Sherlock as he recognises his new place in the narrative is brutal. (Yes, Sherlock has a lot of gay trauma – we’ll find out more when we meet Eurus.)

Eurus, incidentally, comes up here – you know what happened to the other one. I want to home in, though, on Mycroft’s line about Sherlock, that there’s no prison that he could be incarcerated in. This is a bizarre comment, given the events of TFP – it could just be sloppy writing, sure. Or, again, these inconsistencies are pointing to something else, that Sherrinford isn’t a real place and that Sherlock’s death sentence is not a sentence, but self-imposed.

So much has been said, so eloquently, about the tarmac scene, that I don’t know that there’s much more that I can say. The importance of the plane as being Sherlock going to his death is really important as an image that will repeat later – again, see previous chapter X. I’ve also pointed out that there is no point at which Sherlock is told Moriarty is back, yet he seems to know it automatically – another suggestion that this is EMP, and there’s a lot more going on.

The final thing I want to focus on in this episode, though, is the east wind. The east wind is referenced in His Last Bow, which gets very little coverage generally in HLV. His Last Bow is (I believe) the final Holmes story, and the east wind that is coming refers to WW1 – Holmes tells Watson that there is an east wind coming and Watson thinks he means it’s cold, and Holmes laughs and jokes that Watson is a stalwart who will always be there. This is a touching moment to end the stories on, and might remind us of the It is always 1895 poem that will become so important in TAB. Except, this time, John accepts that there’s an east wind coming – he references it repeatedly, actually, as a threat, both here and in TFP. The east wind is the wind of change that comes through the changing years in acd!canon. This seems particularly important here – the social changes between 1895 and 2014 are vital for the next episode, highlighting the idea that the update of the show is a really central part to it. There’s no world war ahead of Holmes (please God @2020) so the wind of change must be referring to something else… I really couldn’t possibly comment as to why the change of time period might be so important!

This chapter has been a long one, but I hoped it help to set up EMP theory on firm foundations. We’ll move into TAB next – see you there!

#tjlc #thewatsonbeekeepers #meta #mine #my meta #chapter three: death cannot stop true love... #hlv #bbc sherlock #johnlock #bbc johnlock #mofftiss #acd #gosh i was rereading this chapter and boy am i proud of it #metatextuality is my fave thing #what a sexy episode this is

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Genuine question what is billions even about I see clips all the time and I cannot figure out what the plot is besides like “business” but I am very much in love w Taylor Mason (i think that’s their last name?) so I am intrigued ...

oh i’m so glad you asked

yeah it’s not at all a Just You thing, not only do we often only post about a particular slice of the series, it’s just REALLY difficult to get (or provide. but i’m always up for the challenge) a sense of what Billions is like as a series like, genre wise, and re: the plot, my god, every [usually more than 50 min but less than an hour] episode is a journey, in that So much will have happened. it moves at a Pace, i can tell you. but you know, good news in that it’s not really necessary to explain every plot thread ever, b/c it’s as much about its Themes or what have you

the stats rundown is billions is a weekly showtime tv series partway through its 5th season (12 episodes per season, currently they are producing the last half of s5 but had been on pandemic production hiatus for the past year, we do not yet know when the rest of s5 will air, s6 was greenlit a while ago) this isn’t really need to know for this question lol, but you don’t need to Not know either

the like, content Rundown is that yeah, it’s business, mostly high finance, although one of the main characters is always doing Legal Stuff (don’t care really b/c that side of things is not generally as relevant to, yes, taylor mason, who Makes the series). the kind of overarching Theme / premise is that the show is about like, here’s these Conflicts between people who are wielding some power in various ways, looking at the motivations of the individuals involved / the Cause And Effect web of these conflicts between them, e.g. how the consequences / fallout of one Power Play Maneuver will affect someone else’s storyline and result in them executing their own maneuvers, and of course, the pitfalls of all of this. more specifically, the series kicks off with the two (then (taylor is introduced in season 2) mainest characters, Axe, ceo of a hedge fund, and Chuck, some kind of lawyer who decides to go after axe b/c axe thinks he’s hot shit (true) and chuck is like ohhh i gotta do something about this guy. so there’s an Unending Conflict, axe vs chuck, an ongoing back and forth series of small or more overarching battles, and of course sometimes alliances, because there’s a Lot of characters on this show and we’re in season 5 so there’s been plenty of other Conflicts introduced besides this particular ongoing war. also, uh oh, chuck’s wife wendy works for the hedge fund axe runs! that’s just a whole wrench in things. as some sort of like, in house therapist performance coach sort of deal, thanks wendy, she’s also fairly a Main Character

axe is somewhat more relevant for our purposes b/c that’s that Finance side of the show via which taylor is introduced. but yeah both axe and chuck are exasperating lmfao like, this isn’t a show where it’s about the Likeability of whatever main character where like, you’re rooting for the obviously righteous / justified person or anything, it’s more about being along for the ride where you get to know Why people are engaging in these conflicts for sure, but like, unless you’re one of plenty of fans who maybe aren’t bringing the most Insight to the show who find any of this like, aspirational Epic Winner stuff like hell yeah axe or chuck as the Cool Guy Who Deserves To Win lmfao, being along for the ride is knowing that you’re just getting to watch this unfolding mess, so that’s “fun” lol

to get more to the point, yeah Taylor Mason is again the best part of the series lol, they’re introduced early in s2 as a Very Talented young iintern at axe capital (axe’s hedge fund) who, yknow, part of what makes axe an Eventful character to center things around is he’s (sometimes) capable re: all these strategic finance maneuvers, and also all “i don’t play by the rules,” which can often mean like, the actual rules like “no insider trading please” or more kinda implicit moral rules like “don’t keep taking Business Advantage over people’s deaths,” and here means that even though taylor is this early to mid 20something intern with no experience in finance who’s not even, at that juncture, necessarily planning to stay in the industry, he’s like yeah they’re valuable and i’m not gonna hold them back from that potential / opportunities * just because they’re a 20something new to the industry intern who definitely doesn’t behave in the Usual Way around here and is also a canon nonbinary character, thanks ( * you might not believe it, but axe does not proceed to only ever be a potential encouraging, opportunity creating ally* (*although, one nice thing is that they....almost always....have axe adamantly hold everyone who works with him to respecting taylor as a nonbinary person, at least in how they address taylor. b/c taylor Does get misgendered periodically, which can be exhausting, but they also aren’t exactly striving to hold it to what might be most “””realistic””” so like, taylor isn’t subject to transphobia and misgendering All The Time either) and so taylor very quickly goes beyond internship at axe cap, to the extent that when, at the end of season 2, axe effectively leaves them in charge of the whole fund when his own fuckups mean he temporarily Can’t helm axe cap

aaand then s3 starts off with taylor running things but has axe return Officially in charge soon enough, so there’s problems there, in that axe is now pulling taylor Back, and like, axe is alllllll about his ego, so it’s like, of course he’d Want taylor to have been able to successfully run axe cap while he couldn’t, since it’s his fund, but then of course he’s also mad about it b/c he needs everyone, like taylor, to know he’s better & more winning than them. and taylor doesn’t appreciate now being more sabotaged and stifled and that, like, if they’re mad about being treated this way, axe is just gonna be mad about That b/c you know, why aren’t they Only grateful to their mentor or deferential to his Skill And Experience, as well as the fact that no matter how much of an Ally you are to him, he’ll be mad if you’re not unilaterally loyal, aka if he fucks you over you can’t be mad about it or that’s actually a way you’re wronging Him, and you’re also wronging him if yknow, you say he can’t/shouldn’t just do what he wants, or do anything that to him implies you don’t think he’s objectively the Best most Winning and Deserving guy in whatever regards, like, if you’re associated with someone who makes him feel insecure in his superiority for one moment, and/or who he thinks doesn’t also recognize his superiority or something, he’ll be mad at you.......the Conflicts can arise v easily around here with this beloved character walking around. so, yeah, whereas season 2 for taylor is more like wow taylor you’ve got all this potential and value here, in season 3 taylor’s sure got reason to question their future at axe cap (see this post resident Billions / Taylor Mason Pro soph made last night) and, when not only are they and axe just more often going head to head over what they want here, there’s also this added egregious conflict of “taylor starts seeing this guy oscar who’s also in finance (but not at axe cap) and when they ask axe for some input on a matter via which they intended to help oscar out, axe uses that Information taylor just used to fuck oscar over to his own advantage, and when taylor is like ‘what the hell’ axe is just like ‘what’d you expect!! i gotta be me!!! if you expected anything different, that’s on you, and if you Did expect me to do this, that’s also on you’ because i’m sure it’s a surprise to hear that axe considers himself this like, force of nature where all his feelings and motivations and justifications are Objective and Correct, and then taylor has to tell oscar what happened and naturally this ends the relationship, to their evident further unhappiness” and oops, season 3 ends with taylor having started their own hedge fund.

i could give a tl;dr for what happens over the course of s4 & (so far in) s5, but i think the s2/s3 arcs are kinda the Essential Lore for explaining this character who crashes into the show (not in that their character tends to crash, their arrival and presence is clearly somewhat of a shakeup re: the norm, but they themself are all about staying balanced and Not being driven by tumultuous emotional impulses or anything like that, *cough, the characters they are quite a Foil to in this way*) and quickly ascends to Main Charactership. (also just remembered the other stats note that taylor is played by asia kate dillon, who is themself nonbinary.) another element that is a lot of fun re: taylor is that they have like, the series’ best Friendship lol, the show is not very conducive to a bunch of characters having a bunch of heartwarming relationships, though they sure Do appreciate those characters and let us see a lot of Dynamics at play even beyond the “these people are locked in conflict” plots and characterful interactions and moments for their own sakes, and Alliances, even friendships, sure are the other side of the Ongoing Conflicts coin here. but what i’m getting around to is that taylor gets to be good buds with mafee, a Guy who was working at axe cap already in season 1, who, along with ben kim (Another Guy At Axe Cap in S1, who we are also fans of) is like, one of the actually nice(r) people around there, and who is just like. such this Hapless Cishet Dude lmfaooo but he also happens to be the guy overseeing taylor’s (and presumably others’) internship, and is yknow, maybe kinda conflicted about “i’ve Been an actual employee this whole time and there goes an intern rocketing past me” but is also Supportive towards taylor, and taylor in turn is an Ally to him, and they are Friends, and when taylor starts their own fund, Taylor Mason Capital, mafee is the person from axe cap who helps them do it and leaves axe cap to work for them there. there’s also a part in s4, after an arc in the middle of the season ended up with taylor taking quite an emotional L, mafee has gone and confronted Responsible Parties over it and, naturally, ended up in a charity interfund Boxing Match (which, a] billions is deliberately Wild plenty of times in both its Elevated Dialogue style but also just like, things that happen lol but b] apparently that’s something that can & does happen in real life in hedge fund world. absolutely bizarre to learn this kind of stuff) taylor kinda gives him this pep talk including “asking you to come with me (to TMC, mase cap, their fund) was the best decision i ever made” and even back then, when we’d just started paying attention to the show fairly recently and weren’t exactly familiar with everyone and everything going on, it was like oh i Gotta post that clip lmao

there are many other side characters, this is a very Populated show, including like, recurring characters, people liable to be introduced at various points who might become regulars Or make repeat appearances but more periodically Or be around for part of a season, but naturally also i am mentioning one specific side character of Winston (No Official Last Name), who is a Quant, aka a quantitative rather than fundamental analyst, who first appeared in One Scene at the start of season 3 when taylor was looking to hire some quants for a project, but did not succeed, and the character (then only Quant Kid 2) was only meant to have that one appearance, but delightfully everyone wanted him back and they wrote more material for him asap. taylor later brings him on to their quant project, which is revealed to be part of what ensures they can start their own fund, and in season 4 winston is apparently the head of the quant team at mase cap, and he continues to appear as taylor’s main Quant. could go into a long (and, as he’s not a Main Character and it’s easier to cover his material, very thorough) tangent there lol but you’re asking about taylor and i’m only bringing up winston b/c technically he Is relevant there lmfao but also, i have to, and [tfw this side character quant who was originally only going to appear in one brief scene was the reason you got into this series in the first place and now it’s like well, We’re Here Forever, and also, taylor mason is The character]

natch you must’ve noticed if you’re sending me an ask about billions, but if you like taylor mason you Gotta be following @nothingunrealistic the #1 Tayficianado and who has also recently nobly finished Actually Properly Watching Billions and who can give you all kinds of info about the character / series, there’s A LOT to cover and it’s kinda impossible to convey some stuff w/o simply experiencing things yourself firsthand lmfao but also, we think about these characters and this show every day for like, two years and running, so. as you can see......totally willing to talk about it at any time to any extent lol

#anonymous #winston billions #So glad to get asks like this at any point lmfao like #oh someone's asked me about My Interest huh lol. here we go babeyyy

[gliese710]

Love - The Punishment: Part 2

Pairing: Kyungsoo x Y/N

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Summary: Y/N is a low ranked devil who finds her joy in the smallest of mischiefs. If only a certain angel could mind his own business.

Masterpost

-------------------------

It's been three days since Kyungsoo got his freedom back, and three days since he has developed this neverending restless feeling.

He can't concentrate on anything with that wicked devil constantly occupying his mind, despite at last freeing him. Maybe...no certainly he had been too harsh. Guilt has been eating up at him since that day.

It's just guilt, he tries to convince himself. He's an angel after all, not supposed to be harsh to anyone. But a vague feeling of yearning keeps nagging at some corner of his heart. Maybe because he had gotten used to the endless chatters and now the silence is almost tangible. He'll grow out of it, he keeps telling himself.

Two more days were enough for him to accept the fact that he misses you; not the chitter-chatters, not the constant hustle and not the small time of breather he got out of an abrupt change in his routined life, but you. Hell, he even wishes you would somehow start following him around again.

He is craving the feeling of having a friend, even if they don't share the same morals. He realizes morals have nothing to do with friendship.

You sit at the bank of a river, feet dangling below, touching the water just enough to wet your soles. It's comforting, away from all the chaos, being lazy and doing nothing. The silence is comforting.

You stare at the flowing water, gaze blank, thinking about nothing.

"Kyungsoo, " a voice so familiar you could distinguish it amongst thousand other sounds snaps you out of your daze.

Turning your head quickly, you look at him with widening eyes. He looks a little fidgety, nonetheless speaks again.

"My name...it's Kyungsoo."

Your lips twitch up in a smile on their own, eyes beaming with genuine happiness, and Kyungsoo reflects the same expression when he sees yours.

---------------------

"Oh, you sure are ticklish," you say, a sly smirk etched on your lips, chasing him up in the sky.

"I told you I'm not," he barks, trying to fly as far from your reach as possible.

You snicker, "Then get your ass back here you coward."

He doesn't counter. He can't.

The chase continues, air filled with your laughter and endless bickers.

Days with Kyungsoo has been just like this. Vibrant.

"I wish I'd met you sooner," you tell him one day, legs splayed on the beach, watching the sunset, breathless after one of your chasing sessions.

Silence engulfs you for a while before he swallows the lump in his throat, "Me too," he whispers in a pained voice.

Black and white, pure and evil, light and darkness; one cannot exist in the presence of other. You two were never meant to be together. Yet the thought that your days are numbered painfully clenches at your heart.

And though none of you ever brought this up before, you know it pains him too.

Serving the earth is a duty for angels, each allowed a specific amount of time to watch over it and then return to heaven. New angels take their place. Whereas for devils, it's their punishment. After repenting in hell, their fates get determined by their crimes. Either they get sent back to the world, reincarnated, to live a more meaningful life or if the committed sin was unrepentable, they get turned into devils, to serve the purpose for assigned time before simply perishing.

You exhale a shaky breath, "Kyungsoo, what sin do you think I committed that I still haven't repented enough?"

He looks down at his hands, unresponsive. Forcing out a humorless chuckle, you continue, "This whole system is so fucked up, don't you think? Why create something so useless only to tarnish something so beautiful? Why-"

Kyungsoo turns fast, panic written all over his face. "Y/N I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry for that day. It was my fau-" he rushes out the words before you interrupt him.

"You don't have to apologize Kyungsoo. I know you didn't mean it. But it doesn't change the fact that it was all true."

"It's not true Y/N," he repeats with too much guilt in his eyes and you scoff, looking away.

"You know as well as I do that we can't alter human's decisions. We can intensify their hidden desire or maybe provoke them a little but the end result remains in their hand. They choose which way to lean on, we just give them options. The monsters live within themselves."

He places a hand on top of yours and gives it a gentle squeeze. Your eyes start to glisten.

"Without evil, there would be no definition for good. Everything has a purpose in this universe, and the world would be a chaos without even one of it. Different purposes are what keep the world in balance."

With a smile and eyes full of tears you nod.

Kyungsoo too smiles and the gentle breeze blows all the worries away...for now.

You know, you can feel your time coming to an end. But for now, you choose to pretend, so that when the time actually comes you'd have no regrets.

And so you live, like there's no tomorrow, like there's nothing odd, like it was always meant to be this way.

You fill your days with mutual bliss.

"You'll live upon my terms today," you say one morning, lips pulled up in a wicked grin.

Kyungsoo cocks an eyebrow, eyes inquiring.

"I'm the evil queen today and you're going to serve me."

Kyungsoo laughs, amusement clear in his eyes. "As you wish, your Highness," he says, voice playful.

You drag him to the same house you two first met.

"Remember, you aren't supposed to be involved, " you eye him questioning and he nods, a little nervous.

Satisfied, you concentrate on the task.

The boy was already sulking, this time because he didn't get his desired PlayStation. Brat.

You succeed easily, a triumphant smile on your face as the TV shatters into pieces.

Kyungsoo winces but changes his expression into neutral once you avert your gaze towards him.

"Doing good?" you ask him, voice teasing.

He sticks his tongue out resulting you to chuckle.

"So, which did you enjoy more? The TV's cruel fate, the boy's utter lack of obedience or..." he squints his eyes playfully, "my helplessness?"

"Oh, you know..." you wink at him before dragging him out, "Come on now, we can't waste all our day here. I'm only queen for one day, gotta make the most out of it."

Later that day, you sit on the grass, cross-legged, brows furrowed and a whiny pout on your face.

"Y/N I swear it wasn't intentional, I don't even know how it happened. I just couldn't stop myself," Kyungsoo tries to convince you, desperately trying to make you look at him.

You refuse to comply though. You are beyond pissed at him, for he has, once again interrupted in your act.

"Look at me, please, " he puts a hand on your shoulder but you harshly shove it away, moving your head sideways.

Again, he shifts in front of you, "I'm so sorry, please forgive me?" he pleads in the most honey-like gentle voice of his and your facade starts to crack.

Struggling to keep the frown intact on your face, you eventually give up, breaking into a laughter at his utterly wary self.

"You look so cute, " you say, in between laughing hard.

Kyungsoo just watches you in amusement.

You stop laughing when your eyes fall on his face. He looks ethereal. It's like fall in a spell, gaze moving from his eyes to nose to his lips...oh those lips look very inviting and in a stance you start leaning forward.

He doesn't move, not his body not his gaze, like he's also in a spell, the glint in his eyes changing to something indescribable.

A dog starts barking suddenly, breaking you both out of your stance. You flinch a little and then move back to your position awkwardly.

Kyungsoo clears his throat before standing up, proceeding to hold one of his hands toward you, the other behind him, in a bowing posture.

"Allow me, your Highness," he dramatically states and you laugh, offering him your hand.

He helps you stand up, then kneels infront of you, head hanging beneath, "This lowly creature is at your mercy now my queen."

"Hmm...so what do you think your punishment should be?"

Kyungsoo looks up at you before answering, "I suggest you spare my life this once and in exchange I'll gift you the best day of your life."

"It sounds pretty tempting-"

"Oh, you'll love it your Highness, please think about it."

You pretend to be in deep thought, "Ok, I'll take the offer for now. But if you fail to impress me by the end of the day, I'll take your head as compensation."

He smirks, "Sure, your Highness. I'm all yours."

Your cheeks go bright red at the way he stated it. You try to hide it by averting your gaze.

Kyungsoo lets out an amused chuckle before interlacing your hand with his. He ushers you to take flight and you do, holding hands.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

And the rest of the journey goes completely silent.

You stare at him as if he has hit his head doing the dumbest thing possible.

"What?"

"What?"

He rolls his eyes and huffs out a frustrated sigh, "Just trust me okay?"

You sigh at his pleading look, "I guess there's nothing to lose anyway, your head's a pretty good deal."

His face lits up and you feel a slight tug at your heart.

Kyungsoo has brought you to an amusement park, which you thought at first was because there will be far too many opportunities for you to annoy people, and you felt excited for a short while before he informed you of his plans.

"We're going to try out the rides," he had said like it was the most normal thing to do.

You wonder from where did Kyungsoo get this weird idea, you've never seen any of your kind do this before.

You aren't complaining though. Being with him is enough for you, but of course you aren't going to let him know that.

Kyungsoo asks you to choose the rides. You can tell he's hoping you would choose the less scary ones, but it's your day and you're not giving up an opportunity like this to see a scared Kyungsoo.

He goes a little stiff beside you as you head towards the roller coaster ride.

"You're not afraid right?" you ask him tauntingly.

He scoffs, instantly putting on a brave face, "You're forgetting I can fly. What's even there to be afraid of?"

You smirk, before literally screaming, " Then let's gooooo..." pulling him along with you.

"Sit tight, don't let the wind blow you away," you wink at him and he gives you a glare.

The ride starts slowly, "It's boring, " you say, feigning a yawn.

"It hasn't even started yet, " he scowls.

"But it's-" Kyungsoo puts a finger on your lips, "Shushhh."

You roll your eyes but shut your mouth anyway.

He doesn't scream like the humans do, too prideful to give his fear away, but the extra pressure in your hand which he hasn't let go for once since the very beginning is enough to know.

The ride goes well, for you anyway, with you laughing your lungs out more at the bloodless pale sight of Kyungsoo than the thrill of the ride.

He clearly isn't fond of these, yet he lets you jump from one ride to another, each one scarier than the former. Not once does his smile falter.

Kyungsoo literally stumbles out on wobbly legs after your fourth ride on Drop Tower. You particularly loved this one very much. But now as you are looking at his breathless form you can't help but feel a little guilty.

This shouldn't be happening. You should be selfish. Anyone's suffering should purely serve for your satisfaction. But somewhere along the line, everything changed. Your purposes, your rationales, basically your whole track now revolved around an angel. An angel who should be your absolute enemy. And yet here you are.

"Where to now?" Kyungsoo breaks your stance, brows raised teasingly, as he caught you staring at him for far too long.

You shake your head, smiling, not at all embarrassed at getting caught, "Let's end it here."

This is when his smile falters, not entirely but enough to point out the sadness in his eyes. The inevitable, which you both unspokenly decided to push back in your mind for the day- your last day, finally sinks in, and you blink rapidly to keep in your tears.

You've been fading noticeably since this morning. You both know it's going to be your last sunset, which is not much time from now.

"Let's take a rest," he says, a sad smile plastered on his face. Let's spend the last moments together.

He guides you towards the ferries wheel to sit on top of it, your hands still joined together. The sun is still quite visible from here, atleast till the tall buildings start to engulf it.

For a while, you sit there in silence, staring into oblivion. Then exhaling a shaky breath you look at Kyungsoo to find him watching you with a look in his eyes you can't decipher.

"I guess this is it then," you say, forcing a smile.

He just stares blankly.

"You can keep your head, it indeed was the best day of my life," you try to lighten up the mood a little but he still doesn't respond, "It was fun seeing you so scare—"

"Y/N," he calls, eyes fixed on you, "Would you call it love?"

Your breath hitches. You stare at him wide-eyed, unable to form any words.

"I'm promised all the happiness in heaven and still I don't want to go back. I want to stay here, with you, forever. Is it foolish?"

A forced chuckle escapes your lips, "It is very foolish..." you raise a brow, "but I like foolish thoughts."

Shaking his head, he lets out a small laugh.

You look at the ethereal creature infront of you and gulp the lump in your throat.

"Kyu...Kyungsoo, " you croak out, "Do you think it's part of my punishment?"

He gives you a confused look.

You gulp again before continuing, "I'm not supposed to feel anything good, love isn't a feeling I could perceive. Then why do I feel it?"

You return your gaze towards the far sky.

"I thought about it a lot. I think it's my ultimate punishment, I wouldn't have dread perishing if I didn't get a taste of heaven, " taking a sharp breath you continue, "Thank you, Kyungsoo. Though only for a short time, thank you for being the heaven in my hell."

"Y/N, believe me, I wouldn't exchange any heaven for you, I..." The lump in his throat felt painful and words turned into a jumbled mess which couldn't be delivered to express his emotions. So he did the only thing that could.

And when your lips met, so deeply that you could finally taste his soul, pure and serene, and the love he felt for you, the sadness for the inevitable separation— all so strong you could feel them like your own and you knew he could feel yours too.

The lights lit up the entire park to bid goodbye to the mighty sun, and with mingled tears, intertwined tongues and closed eyes, you bid farewell to the world too.

#exo #exo scenario #exo fanfiction #exo fanfic #exo series #exo angst #exo fluff #angel exo #devil au exo #kyungsoo #kyungsoo scenario #kyungsoo fanfic #angel kyungsoo #kyungsoo fluff #kyungsoo angst

[artificialqueens]

You Know You Love Me, Chapter 10 (Branjie) - Kiki

A/N: I cannot believe this is the second last chapter!!! It’s a pretty short one so I hope you guys like it! I’m hoping to have the last chapter up next Saturday so until then, have a good week darlings xoxo

Brooke’s eyes fluttered open slowly and she was convinced that she must be on her deathbed. She hadn’t felt that awful in a long time. She hated that being hungover was a feeling that she was well accustomed to but she didn’t have the energy to process that thought in that particular moment. Her head was pounding and the room was far too bright even though the curtains were closed. She was just grateful that she woke up in her own bed considering she had absolutely no recollection of how she got home.

She turned her head slightly and saw a large glass of water on her nightstand. She thanked her past drunken self for this act of kindness and chugged the water, feeling some relief that the cold liquid brought her. However, her stomach did not react as well as the rest of her body did and she immediately had to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to empty out the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

After finishing puking her guts out and wishing death upon herself, she walked back into her bedroom feeling like a zombie and preparing to sleep the rest of the day away. She gave a content sigh at the thought of doing absolutely nothing at all and was starting to feel at ease until she saw it.

Someone laying on the other side of her bed. She didn’t know how she had missed it before but she presumed the feeling of wanting to vomit took priority in her mind over scanning her bed for strangers. She couldn’t make out who the person was and she was starting to worry. As soon as she felt a tiny bit of anxiety in her body, her memories seemed to come back all at once.

Getting drunk with boarding school friends. Disappointing Vanessa. Vanessa telling her to leave her alone forever. The feelings of sadness and guilt were majorly overwhelming her and she wanted to throw up again, but not from the alcohol this time. Who the hell was in her bed? Did she seriously bring someone home to hook up with after everything that had happened?

She slowly approached the bed and saw that it was a girl who was about the same age as her. Brooke recognised the pyjamas the girl was wearing as her own and when she got closer, she felt the relief flood her body. No one else in New York had crazy bed hair like Nina West did. Brooke hadn’t prayed in years but felt herself silently thanking God that it was her old friend and not some random girl. Brooke looked down and saw she was wearing her oldest but comfiest pair of pyjamas that she had owned since she was probably fifteen years old. There was also the glass of water on her nightstand and a box of painkillers behind them. Brooke should’ve known it was Nina. A random hook up wouldn’t have got her water for the next morning and put her in her favourite pyjamas.

She took two of the tablets and downed them with water before getting back into her bed and wrapping herself up in her blanket. Nina was still fast asleep but there were so many gaps in Brooke’s memory that it was starting to worry her. The last thing she remembered was doing tequila shots at some random bar she didn’t know the name of and Nina wasn’t there. So how the hell did she find her?

Brooke knew she had to wake Nina up to get some answers. She felt bad about interrupting her sleep, of course, but she couldn’t wait any longer. She was feeling so impatient. She gently shook Nina awake and Nina woke up pretty much straight away.

“Hey…” Brooke mumbled guiltily and Nina smiled at her.

“How are you feeling?” Nina asked.

“I feel like shit…what the hell happened last night?” Brooke asked, dreading the answer. Nina looked at her with eyes full of pity.

“Oh honey, you don’t remember?” Brooke’s heart rate instantly sped up and she held her head in her hands whilst shaking her head.

“No…Nina, the last thing I remember is ordering shots in that bar at like 2am and you weren’t there. What the fuck happened, what did I do?” It had been a while since Brooke had blacked out as bad as she had the previous night. She knew that if her mother found out how bad she had been, she would be in serious trouble but she trusted Nina to be careful enough that her mother wouldn’t have noticed them coming home in the early hours of the morning.

Nina seemed like she was holding something back, like she wanted to spare Brooke’s feelings and Brooke felt like she was about to pass out. She wasn’t good at managing her anxiety at the best of times but right now, she was on the verge of a panic attack.

“Nina…please just tell me.” Brooke whispered the last part, unable to even speak properly. Nina took a deep breath before telling Brooke the whole story. She told Brooke all about how she had been at home and then saw a video of Brooke on Gossip Girl and knew she had to go get her and bring her home immediately before anything else happened. Brooke was mortified. Everyone had most likely seen her act like an absolute drunk mess by now and there was nothing she could do about it. But most of all, she felt disappointed. She hadn’t even got to tell Vanessa she loved her in person; Gossip Girl had beat her to it.

After watching the video on her own phone, Brooke wanted to curl up into a ball and die. She didn’t know how she would ever recover from the humiliation of this. If Vanessa didn’t want to be with her because she showed up drunk, she definitely wouldn’t want to be with her now that she had ruined her reputation like this. She had thought Nina’s story was over, but unfortunately for Brooke, there were more embarrassing details that Nina had forgot to tell.

“When I walked into the bar, I found you in the corner booth with a random Asian couple who didn’t speak any English. You were telling them about how soft Vanessa’s hair was, which would’ve been a pretty funny thing to find you telling strangers about if the whole video thing hadn’t happened.” Nina giggled while remembering that fact but Brooke was not ready to laugh about the whole situation yet. She didn’t know if she ever would be.

Brooke’s least favourite part of this whole situation was that when she felt upset about Vanessa not talking to her, the only person she wanted to go to for comfort was Vanessa. Vanessa was one of the only people who were constant in Brooke’s life, the only person who had always been there for her no matter what. When her parents divorced, Vanessa was there for her. When her grandfather (who was basically like a father to her) died, Vanessa was there to dry her tears. Even when Vanessa’s parents had divorced and she had felt extremely depressed and Brooke wasn’t able to be there for her, Vanessa had forgiven her. Brooke knew that Vanessa had the biggest heart out of everyone she knew and she wasn’t able to just let her go.

Brooke had fucked up many times in her life. You only had to ask her mother and she would be able to tell you many stories of all of the mistakes that Brooke has made in her eighteen years of living. But this had to be the worst thing she had ever done. She tried calling Vanessa’s phone a few times but found that her calls were getting declined almost immediately.

She decided to send her a small text so that Vanessa could read even a tiny bit of how she was feeling and what she was thinking in that moment…but she had absolutely no idea what to say to her. She typed and deleted and typed again for a good five minutes while Nina sat beside her awkwardly. Brooke was in her own world too much to notice.

She ended up sending a text that read: V, please talk to me. I can’t lose you. I just can’t.

“Had you ever told Vanessa before?” Nina asked quietly. Brooke frowned in confusion.

“Told her what?”

“That you love her.” Nina stated it so simply yet it made Brooke’s heart flutter from nervousness and her stomach ache with dread.

“No…I hadn’t got a chance to do it yet.” Brooke said with such sadness that it made Nina worry for the younger girl.

“Can I give you some advice?” Nina asked while stroking Brooke’s shoulder and Brooke just nodded solemnly, not giving Nina a response in words. “Obviously I don’t know Vanessa as well as you do…but I think that if you don’t go and tell her you love her soon, she’s going to be very upset with you.” Brooke knew that what Nina was saying made sense. In a perfect world she could just say it to Vanessa as soon as possible and all would be forgiven. But Nina didn’t see how angry Vanessa was.

“Nina…you weren’t there last night. Vanessa wants nothing to do with me anymore. I think she’d be happy if she never saw me again.” Brooke felt tears spring into her eyes when she admitted that to Nina. It was almost as if she was admitting it to herself for the first time, like it had just sunk in for her. Nina held her while she cried and let her get all of the tears out that she needed to and for that, Brooke would be eternally grateful. She hated being emotional in front of anyone but Vanessa so this was a big step up for Brooke. However, she knew that if she could swap Nina’s arms with Vanessa’s, she would do it in a heartbeat.  

“I’m sure it feels like that right now, Brooke, but come on…when have you and Vanessa ever stayed mad at each other for a long period of time?” Nina asked and deep down, Brooke knew she was right. Her and Vanessa were always a part of each other’s lives no matter what. But this time felt different. It felt like Vanessa was ready to let her go whereas Brooke couldn’t even bring herself to imagine what her life would be like without Vanessa in it. “You just need to do something to get her back. To make her forgive you. She pretends that she has no emotions but we all know deep down she’s a massive romantic. Make a plan to win her back and there’s no way she can say no to you.” It was like Nina’s words made a lightbulb go off inside Brooke’s brain. Vanessa loved big gestures. Surely there was something she could do to make Vanessa forgive her…there had to be something. Brooke seemed so deep in thought that Nina thought it would be better to leave her alone to focus on whatever she seemed to be planning in her mind.

She told Brooke she had an essay due tomorrow that she had to finish and Brooke thanked her before she left. Brooke knew she had to come up with something amazing here. It was Thanksgiving tomorrow and usually Vanessa’s family came to have dinner that Brooke’s mom organised and she knew that they were definitely coming this year. Vanessa loved Thanksgiving and she was sure that she would still come even if she wasn’t speaking to Brooke. Akeria and Silky would still be there with their families Brooke figured Vanessa would go just to see them.

Brooke tried to get into the mindset that Vanessa had when she was planning and organising events. She had to nail absolutely every detail and make everything perfect, up to Vanessa’s standards. She immediately made a list of all of Vanessa’s favourite things that she could get her to make her happy. The icing on top of the cake was going to be that Brooke was going to get her alone, tell her she loved her and ask her to be her girlfriend (providing that Vanessa didn’t storm out and would actually speak to her, of course).

Usually, something as big as this would make Brooke freak out. She usually hated being out of control of a situation and the thought of admitting that she loved someone would normally be enough to send her into a panic attack.

But this time felt different. She was excited to tell Vanessa how she really felt and of course she was nervous that Vanessa would react badly, but she also couldn’t help being positive and thinking about how great it would be if Vanessa said it back.

Brooke spent the rest of the day thinking about exactly what she wanted to say. She wanted it to be perfect. She went to bed early that night thinking about how tomorrow was going to be one of the best days of her life.

—

It was late at night in the Mateo household and Vanessa was sitting on her bed watching Dorota pack her suitcases. It seemed as though Dorota was working a lot slower than usual and Vanessa couldn’t stand it. She wanted all of her belongings packed up as quickly as possible so she could mentally prepare herself for leaving New York.

Her mom had been surprised that she wanted to go live with her dad in France, especially because of how she had said she was leaving last time and all it took was Brooke asking her to stay for her to decide to not go at all. Deep down, Mrs Mateo knew that if Brooke could somehow stop her from going, Vanessa would stay. But that was looking to be a little bit difficult considering Vanessa hadn’t told anyone she was going apart from her mom and Dorota.

Vanessa felt the tears come into her eyes for the millionth time that day but she quickly blinked them away. Anytime she thought of Brooke, she just wanted to call her and forgive her but she couldn’t do it anymore. She had to be strong and stick by her decisions…but she also knew she couldn’t do that by being in the same city as Brooke. There was too much temptation. She knew that moving to France would be the best decision for her, and it would be nice to live with her dad again.

She went to bed that night with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. She barely slept and when she did sleep, she dreamt of Brooke. She wondered how Brooke would react when she found out Vanessa was gone. She tried to pretend like she didn’t care but realistically she knew how much it was going to hurt Brooke and she felt bad about that. She also felt sad that she wasn’t going to get to have a proper Thanksgiving meal, only whatever crappy meal she had on the plane. But that was a sacrifice she had to make. She had to get out of New York and away from Brooke as soon as possible and she stood by that.

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #lesbian au #gossip girl au #rich girl au #high school au #you know you love me #kiki #submission

[v-hope]

Wedding gone wrong

Pairings: Kim Seokjin / Min Yoongi / Jung Hoseok / Kim Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Fluff, crack, suggestive maybe?

Request: Some of you have been asking for the hyung line for a while now so 😅 I provided.

A/N: Sorry it took me so long, bbs :( and I hope you like it, let me know what you think! 💕 You can find the maknae's one in my masterlist.

Kim Seokjin

Ah, the garter toss.

It only took one of his friends to announce that was what would take place next during your reception for Seokjin's ears to turn completely red.

It wasn't like his mouth had never been in contact with your thighs, that was for sure, but having to dig his head inside your dress to take the garter off in front of all your guests? In front of your families? Yeah, that sure was something new.

And so, when a chair was brought up to you and you rested your leg on it, lifting your dress up a little bit, he couldn't help but to let out one of his signature laughs – one that sounded way more nervous than usual.

To make things even worse, a very sensual song started to play in the background, having you tilt your head back to let out a laugh at the sight of your flustered husband.

"Go on" you mumbled only for him to hear, "you've done way more than just this already".

With a roll of eyes that was followed by a glare, Jin's head disappeared under your dress, making goosebumps show on your skin at the tickling feel of his hot breath near your thigh.

Then, his teeth faintly brushed over your skin, catching the small piece of lace in between them to start pulling it down your leg. However, something along the way went wrong somehow, and he couldn't do it entirely, involuntarily letting go of it before he could even start bringing it down with him.

So, imagine how it looked from the guests perspective when they watched Jin's head move back up closer to the spot between your legs, and taking way too long to get out of under your dress.

"Leave that for the honeymoon and get out of there already!"

Well, Yoongi didn't hesitate to speak on everyone's behalf, causing everyone to laugh, whereas your husband and you were left there with burning faces.

"Yah!" Jin shouted immediately; your dress making his voice come out muffled. "You do it if it's so easy!"

"Kim Seokjin!" you scolded him, moving your leg to lightly hit him with it.

With everyone who was watching the scene display before their eyes laughing harder now, he decided to end his own suffering by just grabbing your leg and this time bite tightly down on the garter, managing to take it off in a matter of seconds.

"Good thing Yoongi didn't have to come do it for you" you taunted him with a smirk once he was back on your eye level and the rest of the people cheered in amusement.

He shook his head with a smirk curving up his lips before he leaned in to kiss the spot under your ear. "I think I'll just stick to taking off your bra".

That he had mastered already for sure.

Min Yoongi

Even way before Yoongi proposed a couple of months ago, you had always enjoyed watching those silly videos of people who messed up their vows at their wedding, and you couldn't help but laugh every time. All they had to do was to repeat the priest's words, simple; yet they still managed to fuck up somehow. Good thing you were better than that and such embarrassing situation would never happen to you.

Or so you had thought.

Because, you see, when you're used to call your fiancé one specific way indoors just to mess with him, for you loved the way he would always roll his eyes claiming he hated it whilst the smirk on his face said otherwise, your mind kind of gets used to it and starts acting by reflex at some point. Add some nervousness to that and the final result cannot really be any good, can it?

So, when you were holding Yoongi's hands at the altar, glowing with happiness and being sure you would tear up anytime by then, and the priest asked you to repeat his words, there was only one way for things to turn out to be like.

"I, Y/L/N Y/N" he spoke.

Not taking your eyes away from your soon-to-be husband, you repeated: "I, Y/L/N Y/N".

Nailed it.

"Take you, Min Yoongi".

That's when things went downhill.

"Take you, Min PDaddy".

Awkward silence.

Yoongi's eyes opened wide, matching your own.

And then, as inevitable as it was, the whole church bursted out laughing.

And although you had laughed it out as well, you couldn't bring yourself to take your hands away from your heated up face. Yes, it was funny, but calling your significant other that in presence of not only his but your family as well, was most certainly something you wished you could erase from your memory. And everyone else's, at that.

Letting out another breathy laugh himself, as he was, too, pretty embarrassed by the whole situation, Yoongi pulled you up to him, allowing you to bury your burning face in his chest. "You do know my actual name is Min Yoongi, don't you?" he teased, earning a whine from you. "Do you even know who you're marrying?"

"Be thankful I didn't call you Min Sugarpie Honeybunch instead and you got to keep some of your dignity".

Well, he should know by now he's not marrying you only, but also your very delusional nicknames for him. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

Jung Hoseok

He shook his head no the second you motioned with a tilt of your head to the shot that had been handed to you, moving his lips closer to your ear so he could whisper: "I've had enough for now, angel".

You bit your lip, looking around your friends who were all too caught up gushing before you could all proceed to down your drinks together. "I know, but you promised" you locked your pleading eyes with his, "they can't know yet, just man up and drink".

With a heavy, resigned sigh, he nodded his head, giving you the greenlight. So, right after everyone raised their glasses and gulped them down, you pretended as if you were about to drink yours, only to quickly turn around and have Hobi do it instead without anyone noticing.

And so he did. Reluctantly and already starting to hate the burning feel the alcohol would leave in his throat, but he did it. Just like he had done two other times already since the reception began and people started to demand drinks with the newlyweds.

Because, what other option do you have when you and your wife find out, only two weeks before the wedding takes place, that you're expecting a child? Some sacrifices would have to be made, like you not being able to neither drink nor go as wild as you had intended to, in every sense of the word… and Hoseok having to cover up for you throughout the night.

Telling people was an option, of course, but not one you particularly were very fond of. Not only didn't you want to make it public yet, but also you didn't think your respective families would be able to handle so many emotions for just one day.

So, he kept on drinking. It wasn't much, but it was enough for his lightweight self to reach a point he didn't ever want to see another glass of alcohol in his life.

"Okay, time for the toast!" Jimin was the one to propose after having asked for a microphone, standing up with his glass of champagne after everyone had been handed one.

Just one glance from you at your husband, who had been spacing out for the past couple of seconds, before eyeing the glass of champagne in front of you, was all it took for you to have him tilting his head in frustration.

"Ah, do it for your child, do it for your child" he mumbled to himself.

Only he had not quite mumbled, but said out loud instead for everyone to hear.

"Wait, you're pregnant?" Jimin, being the closest and therefore the first to hit realisation, spoke into the microphone without noticing.

And after everyone had gasped at your friend's blunt words, there was nothing Hobi could do besides staring at you like a scolded puppy begging for forgiveness.

"Please don't divorce me" he blurted out, having you roll your eyes in both annoyance and amusement. "Look on the brightside, I won't have to drink anymore and will actually remember our reception!"

Oh well, that was one way to put it. Although having both his mum and sister turn into a river of tears, ready to scold him for not telling them sooner, was not something you were sure he'd like to remember.

Kim Namjoon

Your first dance as husband and wife had been something both you and Joon had been trying to mentally prepare yourselves for. Not only that, but you had also taken a few dance classes, you know, just to make sure you would not accidentally injury one another after one of you probably stepped on the other. It was bound to happen at some point otherwise.

So, when it was announced for everyone's information that you would be having your first dance right then, the two of you felt ready.

Walking hand in hand over the middle of the dance floor as everyone gathered around the two of you to witness such special, soul-stirring moment, you stood in front of your husband and placed your hands loosely on his shoulders, whereas his rested firmly on each side of your waist.

It was okay. Breathe. You could do it.

And then... the song started playing.

Not the waltz you had so beautifully and dedicatedly prepared, but no other than one of Namjoon's solo tracks. And no, not "Trivia: Love", which would've still been great given its message. No.

Expensive Girl.

Your hands let go of his shoulders just to bring them up to cover your mouth and muffle a laugh that had not waited a second to escape it – your head turning around along with Namjoon's towards where the music equipment was, only to find the maknae and the oldest of his hyungs behind it. And, in all honesty, you didn't know if it had been on purpose or not, for Jeongguk's lost puppy eyes didn't match Seokjin's mischievous smirk at all.

Ignoring that and the few gasps mixed with laughs coming from your guests, you focused your eyes back on your still stunned husband, wrapping your arms around his neck to make him focus his entire attention back on you.

"Such a heartwarming song, did you write it for me?" you teasingly fluttered your eyelashes, earning a roll of eyes and a cynical smile from him, later grabbing you by the waist again.

"Well, I do hope you take it off tonight, so…"

"It?" you raised your eyebrows in feigned dumbfoundedness.

His previous smile turned into a smirk. "Everything".

Just like that, right as he had gently tugged at your dress and your cheeks were burning, the song changed to the one you had originally prepared.

Either way, by that point, waltz or Expensive Girl, you were glad to just let go and stop worrying about everything being perfect, enjoying yourself instead in company of the man you had just signed up to be with for the rest of your life.

#bts #bts imagines #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #kim namjoon #bts reactions #bts scenarios #bts fluff #kpop #kpop fanfic #bts fanfic #bts x reader #seokjin fluff #yoongi fluff #hoseok fluff #namjoon fluff #bts smut #bts imagine #yoongi imagines #seokjin imagines #namjoon imagines #hoseok imagines

[geekns]

last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?) 

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life. 

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore. 

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me. 

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford. 

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things? 

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

#confession #personal #depression #anxiety #demisexual #asexual #bi #attraction

[youeverfeelcursed]

On the Narrative of Last of Us Part 2 (3/3)

So this should be the last part on the narrative but I’ll probably post more thoughts on characters, representation, maybe on some details of the gameplay that just made me wish I could design something like this and most likely a text on where do I think this franchise is going to. 

I will also check and fix the previous posts as I know there’s typos and some mismatched data and maybe some timelines confusing. Logically, it comes with posting at my 3am and working from memory and not notes. 

That said, lets just move onto what I hope is interesting enough for people to read these old woman’s ramblings. For anyone still reading, thank you very much for your attention, it’s been a while since I truly enjoyed analizing an art piece.

(Note: I’m marking this post for rechecking as I feel its a bit convoluted. I blame it being 4am.) 

We ended the previous Act 3 (Abby’s Act) with a overhead shot (or aerial if you prefer) of Ellie and Dina on different sides of the shot, close but separated with Ellie being bathed by a red light and both represented in a descending oblique line from Dina to Ellie. 

I find it a wonderful shot that represents Ellie’s story in few and simple details. 

(For those interested, the name in the screenshot is from MkIceAndFire a No commentary channel I follow, go check him out!) 

From here, we jump to what I called the respise intermission, a short part but full of important details for the understanding of the next and final act. 

Like a moth to the flame, or how living sometimes is harder than dying.

The next part of Ellie’s story is as bittersweet as the best coffee you’ll ever have. We find her reminiscencing over Joel’s watch on hers and Dina’s bedroom. Putting it away we get to finally hold in our arms the cutest potatoe I’ve ever seen: JJ! Jesus that child is cute. And it’s obvious that Ellie loves him with all her heart. 

During this time we get to explore the beautiful they both probably restored to live in, in which it specially caught my attention how Ellie surprinsingly gets a full room for herself, whereas Dina seems to have a small space in the living room , where the photo of her sister sits.

I loved this part so much but I could feel that something was wrong, and it is. If we read Ellie’s diary we find out that she’s having trouble sleeping and dealing with people, needing to hide and what’s most likely profound PTSD thats later shown with her breaking down after herding all the sheep. 

A detail that I found important is the fact that she breaks down while having JJ in her arms, which has to be removed by Dina in case she hurts him during her seizure. Because remember that for Ellie protecting those she cares for is very important, so, does she feel she can protect them now?

Stop for a minute and think of how hard is for nowadays soldier to treat PTSD even with psychological support and meds, and how many of those war survivors end commiting suicide anyway. Now imagine that same in a world where violence is constant - yes they live peacefully in the farm but do you really think they don’t have to deal with any straggler? - and there’s basically zero to none mental health support.

Thats where it is important to pay attention to the moment when Ellie is coming back from hunting, how she cleans her face and takes a deep breath and puts her mask on - an obvious referal to her words in her diary - just before going back to Dina and JJ. 

I mean this is not the face of a person fully happy, its the face of a person thats putting her best front but catastrophically failing her inner battle. 

Tommy’s visit manages to break any remainer of the mask she tried to maintain so hard. It is obvious how while he tells her how he found information about Abby that with every word she breaks a little bit more. The trembling, tight shut lips and her open wide eyes that look as hopeful as they look lost. 

If this were another world, one in which I believe Ellie could get help, I would have hated that she left. But she says it herself, she doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t eat, she has a full room for herself so she can have space and even so she leaves for long times alone. She’s not really living, she’s riding the waves as they come but never truly enjoying it because by now her trauma is so deep I would have been surprised that she stayed. 

Because when Tommy talks about Abby, she feels a light, a hope of being able to just pour all of this shit out of her. Abby is not even important anymore, shes just a barrier for Ellie for her own liberation from her demons. Or thats what she thinks. 

She truly does JJ and Dina, but she’s completely broken inside. She’s missing pieces and for her, this is a chance of regaining them. It’s not even about vengeance anymore, it’s about rest. An end. Closure. 

What comes around, goes around. Or how Santa Barbara was the so needed eye opening. 

I was truly happy to see Abby and Lev being kind of silly and well, happy. They are the example of how you can heal when you learn to forgive both yourself and others. A extreme image compared to what we’ll see from Abby next time.

Fast-forward to Ellie after leaving the Rattlers village. Look at Ellie, she’s slightly delirious - Abby, Abby, Abby, Abby... - completely battered, skinny, with a fucked up side, half limping and pulling through out of sheer desesperation. She needs to do this, because if she doesn’t everything she left behind - Dina, JJ, Jackson - will be for nothing. She says it herself in her diary, she cannot think of that. 

And it’s funny. It’s funny there she goes. She helps Abby down and follows both of them to two small boats where she makes a scranny and completely eaten up Abby battle with her in exchange of not hurting Lev. 

The battle is sad. Abby contrary to Ellie had started healing so she didn’t want to battle. But it’s sad, these two beautiful human beings battling against each other as shadows of what they used to be, eaten away by life, hate and stupid decisions. You just feel like being over it because by this point it just feels completely stupid to keep warring. 

And there, Ellie doesn’t kill Abby. We get a flashback of Joel playing the guitar that stops her from killing her. 

And it’s funny, it’s funny because without Ellie both Lev and Abby would be rotting in those pillars. She left her home to kill a woman and ends saving both their lives! Why would she do that? 

We end this Act 4 with Ellie alone, watching the last remains of her flame disappear into the nothing. Rock bottom. You cannot go down further. That’s what it means. She left her family, Tommy is crippled and kind of hates her, Jesse is death, Joel is death, Ryley is death.

 And yet she left Abby leave. But why? 

The answer to all this crazyness is in the last flashback of her and Joel and a few words that are thrown into the night. 

“I was supposed to die in that hospital. My life would’ve fucking mattered. But you took it from me!”

Purpose. 

Yes, purpose. A meaning to her life. A meaning that has been ripped from her hands multiples times in situations out of her control. Is this what she really wants? Her life to revolve around vengeance? Is this what she’s choosing? 

So for once, she decides for herself and she decides that no. She doesn’t want that path. It’s not enough anymore. 

Ellie was supposed to die with Riley, but she survived and found out that’s she’s immune. 

Ellie traveled from one side to another of USA to be the solution to humanity’s problem. To help create a vaccine, whatever the cost. She was ready for it, she was ok with it. But it was ripped from her and lied about it multiple times. 

Imagine thinking you’re immune but that it means absolutely nothing. After getting yourself mentally ready for whatever it would happen, you are told that you’re useless. That you cannot help. That you’re worthless. 

Worthless. 

She ends in Jackson, And learns she’s been betrayed by the person she trusted most, that she could have meant something instead of just living taking care of cows and patrolling. 

It was impossible for Ellie to remain the same even before Joel’s death. Because Ellie is a very complicated character made of survivor guilt, a need to have a purpose in life, too many personal loses and self hating. Not only that, but all of this happens during her adolescence, a time which is hard to deal already without all these traumas piling up. 

Joel’s killing is what makes the bomb explode. Suddenly she can do something, she can leave Jackson and she can revenge him. Again, purpose. She can feel alive because she’s got finally a direction. It’s just not the correct one, because we all know that hate is a terrible guide but for her, is the only guide amids the fog. 

Ellie is a character that has been lost from the moment she learned she could have helped humanity. Chasing Abby was literally the easy path to take to give some meaning to her life. 

When she was with her family at the ranch, I truly believe she wanted her purpose to be to protect her family, but it was something impossible for her to do in her condition. She tried hard, but she couldn’t do it. Her diary again sheds some light on these, on how she feels she has nothing else to give to them. 

We know that, if Joel hadn’t been killed, she could have healed given enough time. She could have forgotten him. She could have find a motivation in Jackson. But there’s so much you can push something until it completely breaks. 

I think that, at the end of the game, when she walks from the ranch she realizes she cannot keep going like this. That if she wants her life to mean something, she has to do it herself instead of just waiting for it to happen. And I feel I know which way she will take next and why. 

Although the ending might seem sad, I found it strangely positive. The circle comes to a end, the guitar that Joel cleaned in the first seconds of the game, is put down by an Ellie lacking two of her left hand fingers impossible, to play it again that way. It is an act of moving on, but not of forgetting. 

Of finally attaining peace of mind, and the chance of recovering herself. 

#the last of us 2 #the last of us II #the last of us part 2 #tlou #tlou part 2 #tlou 2 #the last of us 2 narrative #the last of us 2 analysis

[theteaisaddictive]

It just hit me in a flash that i never asked for your thoughts/rankings of the Cats 2019 soundtrack. Please forgive my ignorance and bestow the gift of your wisdom upon us

i have been caught in a whirlwind of events, which is why i have not responded sooner, but i’m currently home sick so what better excuse is there to wax evangelical (evan . . . jellicle??) about the cats movie soundtrack than this precise moment

i. jellicle songs for jellicle cats

i mean. well. first things first, it was recorded in advance (i assume that the 90s version was a live recording, but i could be wrong here) so of course it is going to sound awkward and stilted. this is nothing compared to how awkward and unnatural it is to see a bunch of actors naked save for cgi fur and ken-doll-like crotches singing and . . . uh, i think they’re dancing? -- around the white cat victoria, who did not have nearly so big a part from what i can digest of the 90s youtube clips. my favourite part has to be the fucking techno beat though. god damn. party on, you funky little abominations.

ii. the naming of cats/the invitation to the jellicle ball

yes, i will be smushing the exposition-related songs together unless i feel like separating them. this is my life, these are my choices. idk, it was fine?? i guess? munkustrap (aka The Main Cat Who Isn’t Victoria or Judi Dench and Quite Frankly Deserved Better Because He Was Giving This Performance His All) kind of just says the naming instead of it being a company-wide thing. they did not include bombalurina or demeter’s names in the naming, and this was the point at which i realised that the big name stars were not, in fact, going to lounge around in the background for the entirety of the play like they do in the musical. :(

the invitation also sees my Sweet Boy mr mistoffelees get his first solo line, which is good bc i fell in love with his sweet little face over the course of the film, and bad bc it marks the start of the absurd victoria/mr mistoffelees subplot which i am convinced was put in because of course a plotless weirdmageddon like cats needs a romantic subplot

iii. the old gumbie cat

something that needs mentioning is that idris elba shows up as macavity at various points in-between songs. i’m pretty sure he shows up for the first time here and like, tries to lure victoria away?? i think?? anyway it obviously does not work bc unfortunately we are stuck with victoria for the entire film, so onto the gumbie cat song we go.

what can i say about the rebel wilson song that hasn’t already been said. she unzips her skin. the cockroaches are uncanny in the extreme. there are slater-sized mice played by children. there is no funky tap routine, or if there is it was erased from my mind by the frequent awkward gaps in which rebel wilson attempted to be funny. dear god. 

iv. the rum tum tugger

miiiiilllllkk

ok, ok, fine. jason derulo gave a fun, lively performance and didn’t even have the decency to do a bad english accent, which means there is at least one song which i have to genuinely like and can’t just like ironically. but also miiiiillllkkk why is there a milk bar in london which is perfectly cat-sized whyyyy. 

v. grizabella

i am going to be honest. i think that this song appeared later in the movie, but the soundtrack only lists ‘highlights’ so it doesn’t appear in the track list. idk what to say. there are some girl cats (unnamed, although i think they have names in the stage version) who are mean to grizabella and then they say that she started working for macavity?? i’m not sure if this does or does not imply that he became her pimp, although he certainly has the coat and hat for it, which only raises more questions which i dare not put voice to.

vi. bustopher jones

fuck james corden. what the fuck did he do to the refined, fat old cat who frequents gentleman’s clubs and only dines on the finest stuff?? he made him dig around in the rubbish bins and interrupt the song twice to make ‘jokes’ about how fat he is. god i cannot fuckign stand james corden and i do not think he’s funny so i’m aware i may be biased but still. god. 

oh yes and then at the end macavity lures him over to a giant bin (in full view of the other cats, might i add) and thanos snaps him out of existence, but sadly not out of the movie. rebel wilson also got thanos-snapped earlier i just forgot to mention it.

vii. mungojerrie and rumpleteazer

i understand that this melody is the original melody and that the melody used in the 90s recording was a change made for broadway; however, this was the most boring fucking song in the movie and they should have used the broadway version, good night. also victoria is there while they burgle the house, for some reason, bc having an audience surrogate means she needs to be in Every Fucking Scene, so that was a Choice.

viii. old deuteronomy

a nice, sweet song introducing judi dench, sung by munkustrap in such a manner that i began to wonder if he was like, her boytoy or something. also the nuzzling is, like, out of control. i know there’s nuzzling in the stage version, but onstage they're also all crawling around on all fours and stuff whereas here they’re bipedal most of the time. it makes it look like everyone is constantly going in for a kiss when they’re actually just being sociable, and it is fucking disorienting.

ix. the jellicle ball

by the way, the jellicle ball itself takes place in some sort of cat-friendly dilapidated theatre, and it is both the weirdest and least weird thing about this whole movie. 

idk, it was fine?? oh wait, i actually forgot -- so waaaaay back at the start, victoria has a famous solo which wasn’t actually a solo in this version but danced with munkustrap, which . . . .was a Choice. so now she dances with like five different male cats, and it gets frantic, and Every Single Cat is just tearing it up on the dance floor, seriously the dancers in this are incredible, and then i think they all collapse on the floor in a heap, and it was at this point that i learned to be thankful i was not subjected to watching a cgi cat orgy while sitting next to my horrified sister

x. grizabella the glamour cat/memory (prelude)

like i said, i can’t remember what order this happens on the movie, so i’m taking the tracklist from the olc on genius. anyway victoria sneaks out for . . . reasons, and she sees grizabella. and grizabella is sad, and sings her song in the first person, because demeter got cut, because fuck demeter, i guess. oh yeah, and tom hooper, he of the masterful subtlety, had jennifer hudson sitting at a lamppost with withered leaves collected at her feet which she pointed to at the relevant lines. i’m surprised he didn’t add a sound effect of a moaning wind.

xi. beautiful ghosts

this was the song that taylor swift wrote for the movie and by god can you tell. it is incredibly jarring and serves no purpose (beyond, i guess, the purpose of deepening the nothing character of victoria), and -- ugh. look, it’s a pretty little song, and both victoria and taylor swift sing it well, but it’s thoroughly unnecessary. it’s like ‘suddenly’ in 2012 les mis -- why is this here??

xii. gus the theatre cat

i am not ashamed to admit that ian mckellen ‘singing’ gus the theatre cat was enough to bring a tear to my eye. because, well. the man may not have sung, but by god he acted. i challenge anyone with a heart to sit through all of cats and not even feel the slightest tug at their heartstrings when gus’s song plays. not even judi dench lifting one leg in appreciation could completely break the mood. oh wait. it did. (also gus got thanos-snapped by macavity immediately after exiting the stage)

xiii. skimbleshanks the railway cat

oooooh fuck YESSSSSS this is the single best song in the whole damn film. skimbleshanks himself?? wonderful. iconic. beautiful. his tap routine?? inspired. he’s skimbleshanks the railway cat -- the cat on the railway train! he inexplicably is wearing red dungarees, making him the fourth cat to be wearing clothes for no reason, and at the very end he spins like a top all the way into the air, before being thanes-snapped out of existence (but happily, not out of the movie) by.....

xiv. macavity the mystery cat

taylor swift is there. she’s undressed except for her cgi fur and a pair of stage heels. she starts tapping her little container of catnip over the collective of cats, causing munkustrap to make the sort of face you see reeve!superman make when he’s being poisoned by kryptonite, except that he is a cat being drugged with catnip and it is hard to take him seriously as a result. the song itself is a perfect guilty pleasure. taylor swift’s accent is shitty enough that you can enjoy the ridiculousness of the entire situation. idris elba cuts in to join the final chorus on ‘the Napoleon of criiiiiimmme’ and then he takes off his pimp coat and is . . . distressingly nude for the rest of the film. he dances briefly with taylor swift. it’s a thing.

anyway they thanos-snap judi dench to a boat on the thames bc she won’t let him go to cat heaven and the rest of the cats are left discombobulated. this is when Local Sadboy mr mistoffelees is uh, peer-pressured into attempting to magic judi dench back to the cats. bc mr mistoffelees has an arc now, you guys. and his arc?? is about getting his mojo back.

xv. mister mistoffelees

this song is also sung in first person by mistoffelees, which makes less sense when you get to the second verse, but whatever the movie only has about twenty minutes left let's just do it. it’s a solid song, but they keep pausing after every chorus to see if he can get judi dench back yet, which really dampens the groove that they have going on. anyway, they get her back, mr mistoffelees believes in himself now, yadda yadda yadda. meawhile back on the boat, this dickhead apparently didn’t bother to teleport the other cats back, so they fight their way out and rebel willson unzips her skin again. at this point in the cinema i was praying for mercy.

xvi. memory

memory was a song. it was clearly sung with a lot of emotion. for me, personally?? that emotion did not connect. sorry jennifer hudson. oh yeah also victoria has a verse in this song and i mentally wanted to s c r e am because this is not your fucking moment victoria, let the sad jennifer hudson cat belt her lungs out in peace

xvii. the ad-dressing of cats

god. let it end. let it end. this last ‘song’ was dragged out minute after minute after minute. judi dench looked into my very soul when she told me a cat was not a dog, and i still don’t know what she found there. when she started talking about cream and pie i could see munkustrap, he of the Giving This Performance His All, continue his impeccable acting by making faces of delight at her words. oh, munkustrap. even now, at the very end, you brought me joy. thank you, dear cat. thank you. 

#asks #cinderellasfella #cats #cats 2019

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

An unpopular opinion

I don't want to be that girl but, I will be that girl. Found a little something on twitter about why the Gazette is different from other bands and I have a few words. It’s not bad seeing sth in a band you see in no other, but, in my opinion (aka you are free to disagree) it’s bad disregarding every other band in their genre just because they don’t fit your taste. And before some sixth gun jumps on me to scratch my eyes out, I’d like to clarify that I am a sixth gun myself who’s shed many many tears during happy or sad moments of the band, like the rest of you. They matter to me, their music matters to me, etc. I’d also like to mention I am well aware of the fact the Gazette is the biggest visual kei name of their generation but hear me out... Below are some of my answers to what I found on twitter and, while I bring examples of bands I happen to listen to (because I don’t know many things for every single band out there (seriously, they are more than 800+ including the disbanded ones) to bring them as an example and I like having something to back my opinions up instead of generalized views), my answers cover bands that I don’t listen to, too, because I am sure they are in the scene for more than a decade for a good reason.

Ruki’s voice. Ruki has one of the most beautiful voices in the scene and one of the strongest. And we also were lucky enough to see its evolution through the years and see it at times it wasn’t at its best and times it was impeccable. The thing is, Ruki is not the only visual kei artist whose voice can resound in a stadium even without mic so it really surprises me when I see fans saying that they know no other person with such a strong voice in the visual kei world. A few examples of such voices (I’ll keep it to guys who are not over 1,68 cm since it was brought up too, compared to ruki’s voice, not that this has anything to do with vocal ability for me) are Ikuma (REIGN), Mahiro (Kiryu), Yo-ka (DIAURA), Haru (DOG inThePWO) and many more.

Uruha’s & Aoi’s chemistry on stage and guitar-wise. If you are a musician maybe you know more than me to correct me but whether two people complement each other or not is reaaaally a matter of taste for most of us. Personally I see Uruha’s & Aoi’s chemistry on stage, but becoming one, musically, not much. Mostly because Uruha, as lead guitar, has his guitar louder? It’s easier to hear Uruha than Aoi, especially the last few years and I don’t know if it’s the dvd or they really have Aoi’s guitar set that low. In the past, both guitars could be heard quite loudly but I don’t hear it much now. If you’ve been to their lives it will probably look, sound and feel different, but with a critical eye on a dvd, I can no longer see that much. But guitar duos who often play as one are a thing in the visual kei world, a few examples again: Mitsuki & Takemasa (Kiryu), Hiroto & Tora (Alice Nine), Kili & Peco (ex. AND eccentric agent).

Changing style but staying true to yourself is also a big thing in the visual kei world but the problem is some fans didn’t stay enough to see it. An example could be Alice Nine, who, after leaving PSC I believe, did lose a few fans due to expirementing with new stuff, but they recently brought back their old name, explaining their roots’ significance to them and that nothing has changed, which was evident even during their expirementation. Not all their fans stayed around enough to see that these guys are still the same. They changed looks, tried different music but they are still the same people. But then again Gazette lost some fans during their TOXIC era too (which album I personally like a lot), but were lucky to have enough fans to bring those gone, back when new stuff came out. I think they had several complaints with Malformed Box too. Anyway, another band who has not changed is DIAURA. Have you seen them live? Yes Yo-ka might be standing out a bit more than the rest, whereas, as some might argue, in the Gazette’s case every single one is standing out, but that doesn’t make other musicians less unique. Staying true to yourself is a thing several of them visual kei artists have been doing and still do, but it goes unnoticed, because it usually doesn’t happen alongside the rest of the band. Other bands that have managed to draw attention on every single member are Kiryu and Screw, the latter of which unfortunately didn’t go on.

And the last thing that really got me is those people who say the Gazette don’t just have fun on stage, they live it, they feel it, it is their home etc. Not because it’s not true, let’s be real, the passion is on and contagious and they love being on stage, it’s part of them, but stating that this makes the Gazette different from other bands makes me furious. Because most band members who’ve been on those stages for over 10 years sure could have given up and have a normal job, unlike other countries, Japan gives chances to people to work even with just their Lycium paper, but they didn’t. I’ve seen so many musicians have huge ass emotional breakdowns the past 7 years and disregarding those people because you never even cared to listen to them, or you did but didn’t click for you makes me furious. So many people considered suicide because they wanted nothing but that fucking stage (and mind you, they are talented) and the ability to express themselves, make music not just for them but for others too, people who want to save people, people who lost so much or have nth else to give them joy but that very stage...you cannot tell me those people don’t LIVE up there. Ikuma’s spine is not doing well and he still goes on that stage until his body gives in. Remember that video that Kai collapses backstage with his hands in a bucket of ice. That. Almost every day. Ikuma sometimes can barely walk after lives, his body grows numb but he keeps pushing himself because he loves it so much he doesn’t care what will happen to him. Do I think that’s cool? No, there are times his fans beg for him to take it easy but he won’t. When shit came up in his fanbase he handled it himself. He refuses to give his rights to a company because of how companies screwed his previous band. You want another example? Yo-ka. Yo-ka is also a person whose entire body goes on frenzy on stage, who collapses often because of it and who laughs at its fuckin face due to how much he loves the stage. I am sure you have heard many bands say “Let’s die on stage“. Some mean it. Some won’t drop it until they can’t stand. Because they live for that moment. For the excstasy of that moment. Another example, of someone who doesn’t drive himself numb on stage but just can’t give up is Kamijo. Kamijo becomes one with the stage and his emotions while performing. Versailles members have mentioned before that Kamijo gets lost in his emotions on stage often, which was what lead to the many falls he’s had live. Dude must literally feel like flying on there. Another one...Chiaki of DEZERT. Actually it was that very passion of this guy on stage that made me check them out. When I look for favorite bands I look for soul and the bands I have chosen so far, even after disbanding, most of them are still around. No I am not flexing, I am just stating how hard it is for some people in the scene to give up all this, even though it’s hard on their daily life and sometimes even health. When I saw Chiaki on Yoshiki’s Visual Japan Summit, I was enchanted right away and I wondered why they don’t upload more of their live videos. I had never even wished to give a listen to their music before that. They don’t have extravagant looks to stand out in this sea of countless bands, but they sure have powerful performance and amazing music. And another thing I’d like to mention about passion and life on stage is the tears. I don’t know who’s fake or not but when I see someone cry on stage I know it means sth to them. Ryoga of Razor when he announced Born’s disbandment, K of BORN, Kazuki of Screw, Rui of Articlear, Ikuma of REIGN, Peco (ex. AND) and the list goes on. You want to argue some are more sensitive than others? Fine. Tora of Alice Nine went on stage on a wheelchair because he refused to lose a live because he was hurt. Tomo of Vistlip rushed to get back on stage after his lung operation so the band decided to go on hiatus all together to support him and show him they will wait until he is ready so that he didn’t feel he was holding them back. I can bring up so many things so...before you say which band lives for that stage, give a wider look around you.

Each band and each band member is unique. Saying that this is not true because you can’t see it and your heart found shelter in one band is a choice. The Gazette too have gone through some real shit. From broken bones, to arguments with each other, with their company, having stuff stolen from them, defamation, struggling to put their name out there etc. But the Gazette made it. Hard work was one, yes, but luck was big part of it too, and signing with the right company at the right time. I think even one of them once said it, sth like “we just happened to be lucky back then”, I think it was Ruki who said it. One moment can change a person’s life dramatically and from then on, other factors that need work every single day. You can say they combine all of those things I mentioned above and that is what makes them unique, but we’d still agree to disagree. And as for chemistry, it is hard to find such thing among so many ideals. The Gazette still have their rough moments because of that. Did you read the interviews around the time the Ninth was released? Even after so long, Ruki said he feels like he doesn’t have friends and that the time after their 15th anniversary show was tough on him. The other members of course believed in him so they didn’t sound worried in their interviews on the matter but they knew how he felt. Aoi also mentioned that none of his songs made the cut for Ninth. All this, of course turned around again, as we all saw in later interviews but I can still remember how worried I was after reading this stuff and realized how fragile can chemistry among people be, even after years and years together.

Some musicians have found a team they could work with and others still try. Please don't cancel out musicians who just haven't found their team yet or worse, lost it during a heated moment. I am sorry if anyone felt insulted but....i am tired of this. Some of you think that other bands have it easy or only care about spotlight and girls but honestly...there is still more than that behind the scenes. I am not saying there aren’t shallow ones out there, but some still give their soul for all this. The vkei scene is dark and difficult and things keep going on with everyone. No one has it easy. Some lose themselves, become shadows of their former selves. I fear that for my favorite bands every day. I have found shelter in 64 vkei musicians, each one for a different reason, and I am proud of them. Whether they went big or not, whether they chose to start their life over or not (cause that’s another struggle on its own, starting over)...these people keep me alive or did keep me alive for as long as they chose to share their dream with us and I owe them big time. And I am sure there are fans out there who found their shelter in smaller bands and they are proud of them too. So...in case you feel shouting to their world you are proud of your favorite bands, do it without cancelling out others. Scream why that band is precious to you, not why it’s precious compared to other bands. Cause the latter is largely a matter of taste. I mean yeah, you do you, I can’t tell you what to do but you know...basic kindness? call it what you may.