You don't love me. Not really. You love what you want me to be. What you want me to give you. You don't see me for who I am, nor do you appreciate what I am ready to give. You don't love me. Not at all.
-Ri.
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5:18 AM EST November 19, 2023:
The Allman Brothers Band - "You Don't Love Me"
From the album At Fillmore East
(July 1971)
Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm
Bands Whose Best Albums are Live
1. Humble Pie - Performance: Rockin' the Fillmore
2. Rainbow - On Stage
3. Cheap Trick - At Budokan
4. Deep Purple - Made In Japan
5. Frank Marino & Mahogany Rush - Live
6. The Allman Brothers - At Fillmore East
7. The Who - Live At Leeds
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"i love you!"
no. you don't.
you love the version of me you've created in your head.
the version that is endlessly devoted to you, and only you.
the version who's only purpose in life is to love and care for you.
that isn't me.
it never was.
we were never meant to be.
we were simply the universe's matchmaking mistake.
so leave.
take your words of love and admiration to someone else.
someone who will appreciate them.
someone who deserves them.
someone who isn't me.
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It's always "where did u get/send me the leaks" and never "I saw this stupid meme and thought about you"
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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You Don't Love Me
read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/8ZlK5Oa
by Call_Me_Clarence
Dean can't speak. He can't feel anything but despair and rage. And then a miracle happens.
Words: 2643, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 10 of Look At Us
Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: M/M
Characters: Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Rowena MacLeod
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Additional Tags: rainbow wings, Wing security blankets, Cas exploding things with his grace, as he does, Bickering Idiots in Love, Jealous Dean
read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/8ZlK5Oa
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