#By developing relationships with patients where we can be happy and excited for each other!

[happilychee]

The aromantic Levy headcannons anon here!

Levy is in a qpr with Jet & Droy. Gajeel ofc becomes a part of it once he joins Fairy Tail. So does Lily

She did feel like she was a bit of an outcast since the girl's and some guys would talk about romance and she didn't understand it. Same as Lucy, Levy enjoyed reading about it, but the love parts just to her, weird and confusing

Jet & Droy helped her figure herself out and finding out she was aromantic made her smile.

Levy had to contain her excitement when Lucy approached her, talking the way she used to about romance. She was happy that she wasn't the only aro girl in the guild.

Gajeel surprisingly was the easiest to tell that she was aromantic. "...I'm aromantic" "Cool" "Wow. That was easy" Natsu on the other hand, was the hardest. He just stood there with a confused look on his face so she had to explain it in a different way. "I prefer friendship over romance, Natsu" "So calling you my best friend is okay?" " Yes you dummy"

it's not a lot but I hope you like them

sending hugs and a nice warm bowl of soup your way, anon; I love these mwah <2

writing this post just in time for aromantic spectrum awareness week!!

aromantic fairy tail headcanons

♡ yes to everything above. levy adores jet and droy, then gajeel and lily. she gets such a sense of fulfillment and joy when she's with them.

♡ levy wears green on valentine's day. yes, it's a statement, and she'll patiently spend the day explaining aromanticism to anyone who asks. she also binges on discount chocolates with lucy that night as they watch shitty romcom movies. the two can and do coexist.

♡ another qpr/qpp pairing is juvia and lisanna. they're not only close emotionally; lisanna is by nature a physically affectionate person, and juvia is severely touch starved. the only person she could theoretically be comfortable with touching her is gajeel, but he's not one for soft affection (she's been thrown into too many brotherly headlocks over the years.) so when lisanna casually grabs onto juvia's arm when they're out and about, a switch flips in her head. juvia is very touchy with lisanna, and only lisanna. this leads to most of the guild thinking they're dating.

♡ the words "we're just friends" leave a bad taste in lisanna's mouth. juvia wrinkles her nose when she hears people say "oh, so you're not more than friends." both consider each other one of the most important people in their lives. them being friends doesn't somehow diminish that. juvia lets the worry slip when she's shopping with lucy, who brings her to levy. the three have a long and thoughtful discussion, but honestly, it leaves juvia feeling confused. she's never been one for close relationships with anyone, given her childhood, and all these labels make her head hurt. levy and lucy say that's fine, the only person she really needs to make sure is on the same page is lisanna.

♡ lisanna is very much on the same page of "idk what we are but I like where we are." they decide to just... keep doing what they're doing. when there's new developments (juvia gets a nosebleed when she sees lisanna in a swimsuit, to her own horror), they talk it out and set boundaries for what they want and don't want to do (juvia very, very shyly asks if she could give lisanna a kiss on the cheek.)

♡ also, at some point, juvia and lisanna move out of fairy hills and get an apartment together. mira objects to this only on the grounds that she won't be able to prevent them from starting kitchen fires with their baking attempts. she ends up over more often than not, and lisanna feels her chest swell with warmth at seeing her big sister and her best friend get along so well.

♡ also big aro vibes... gray, cana, and loke. the three of them are so chill about everything. the guild suspects they're in a relationship, but then they also see cana going out with lucy and get confused. gray just shrugs and says it's a girls' night. completely unbothered king. besides, he's got a board game score to settle with loke and natsu.

♡ erza, I think, is a big romantic at heart, but the thing is she does that to everyone. she gets a lot of money from s-class jobs, and there's only so much she can spend on herself or new sets of armor. eventually, team natsu starts finding beautiful bouquets of flowers on their doorsteps. someone dares to tell erza that men don't like flowers, and suddenly every man in fairy tail is getting a monthly bouquet of roses.

♡ erza also misses a lot of "romantic" cues. she wouldn't be able to tell if someone was flirting with her if her life depended on it. gray and natsu, the little shits, take full advantage of this to mess with the poor suitor. I also think erza is demi, so she really has to have a strong emotional bond with someone before she considers having sex with them. she likes to take care and be taken care of, so she wants it to be with someone who knows her inside and out.

♡ natsu honestly has huge aspec vibes, mostly because he completely bulldozes over any societal conventions, labels, and definitions. if natsu feels a certain way, he's going to let the person know. if he wants to be cuddly with them and they're okay with it, he will be cuddly. doesn't matter who they are; even laxus gets the occasional natsu cuddle. levy and lucy almost lose their minds because they're so busy having deep discussions about the intricacies of aromanticism, and then natsu comes in like a breath of fresh air because he genuinely does not care. not in a bad way, he loves to listen to lucy's passionate rants (she's cute when she's excited) but. it's just something that never bothered him. personally, I do think out of everyone, he's closest to lucy in the "romantic" sense, but even then, it's just a different type of relationship to him. there's no way in hell he would specifically choose just lucy over everyone else in the guild. they're all his family!

♡ in conclusion, fairy tail is aromantic and aspec as fuck.

#lychee writes #aro fairy tail muehehe #fairy tail #fairy tail headcanons #this is the most precious thing to me #levy mcgarden #gajeel redfox #juvia lockser #lisanna strauss #lucy heartfilia #gray fullbuster #cana alberona #loke #erza scarlet #natsu dragneel #aromantic #aromanticism #aro #arospec #aspec #aromantic spectrum awareness week #asaw 2024

[bungalowbear]

eight.

nanami kento x reader, pokémon au, wc: 775

reader is a psychic gym leader and nanami is a ranger. we won’t see our two rangers for a bit, but i’m excited for what’s to come in the following chapters. thank you all for reading and happy new year! and thank you to @strawberrystepmom for inspiring this series. it’s been a wonderful part of this year! 💜

Yuji discreetly slips Growlithe a piece of bacon beneath the table as his gaze remains on the two adults practically ignoring each other from across the dining room table. The silence isn’t exactly hostile, but it isn’t comfortable either. Nanamin politely brings a spoonful of oatmeal to his mouth and you cut through your pancakes with a light scrape of the knife against the plate.

This is the last breakfast in your gym before he and Nanami leave to return to the station, so Yuji takes this opportunity to observe you both and imagine what the relationship must have been like before the falling out between you occurred. Nanamin has never mentioned you before and Yuji can’t really wrap his head around why. His mentor has always been practical and straightforward in his approach to the world. He’s never known Nanamin not to confront an issue, at least when it comes to work. But ultimately Yuji decides perhaps it’s simply that even his stoic mentor isn’t immune to troubles of the heart.

While you aren’t the most lively person, you’ve been only kind and patient with Yuji during his short stay. But there’s something about you that draws him in even more. He’s never met anyone like you and so he assumes it’s your mysterious nature that just makes him want to know as much as he can about you.

Yuji gets the sense that you weren’t always this reserved. He sees the mischief in your eyes, the way you resist the urge to act on the impulse of your excitement, and it reminds him of when you helped him bring back Growlithe and Breloom. Your entire form radiated power and freedom as you dealt with the poachers as if you were a divine force bringing retribution. But as soon as it ended you were right back to the subdued version of yourself, leaving him in awe of you.

Nanamin clears his throat and frowns at Yuji, dropping his eyes to where Growlithe is eating bacon from his hand. The older Ranger parts his lips, surely about to scold him for his bad manners, but before he can Yuji strikes up a conversation with you.

He asks about when you started your gym and why, and about any interesting travelers. He tries to include Nanamin but it’s mostly you engaging him while his mentor offers a few words here and there.

And Yuji thinks maybe this is what it was like. You the talker, and Nanamin the listener.

You and Nanamin exchange words in front of the gym. Yuji can’t hear any of it, but he’s gotten better at reading his mentor’s expressions and from the look on Nanamin’s face it doesn’t look like he enjoys the topic very much.

Then Yuji’s gaze passes to you and he feels a shift in his gut. It’s as if that unknown presence you asked him about is pacing like an animal trapped in a cage buried deep within him. For the most part he’s been able to ignore whatever it is that’s lingering, but ever since meeting you it’s become more tedious. He thinks there might be a connection, but his thoughts quickly run away from him.

Yuji’s ears burn when he remembers how close he was to you the other day. With you hovering above him, and the light from the large open windows of the hall creating a halo around your head, he couldn’t help but be struck with just how cool and nice and pretty you are.

Bringing his hands to slap the palms against his cheeks, Yuji shakes his head. It probably isn’t a good idea to develop a crush on you. Not when there’s clearly something going on between you and his mentor.

So when Nanamin walks toward him he straightens his spine and pushes back his shoulders, feeling as if he’d been caught. But his mentor simply places a hand on his shoulder and tells him it’s time to go before walking off without looking back, Breloom dutifully following beside him.

You stand across the way at the steps of the front doors of your gym with Zorua and Kadabra beside you. You raise your hand and wave, calling out your goodbye to him. Yuji’s expression beams and he waves back before turning and racing Growlithe to catch up to Nanamin.

The further he gets the more aggressive the pacing in his stomach becomes. But he ignores it and pushes forward toward his mentor, toward the future of protecting Pokémon that he’s dreamed of since he was a child, and hopes someday fate will lead him back to your gym’s doors.

series masterlist

i do not have a taglist. please follow @bungalowbear-archive and turn on notifications.

#catalog #jess’s pokemon au #nanami kento x reader #nanami kento #pokemon au

[parvuls]

obligatory 6am episode thoughts (and MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF TED LASSO SPOILERS)

so far it's ep2 > ep1 > ep3 imo. this episode was basically the start of various plotlines but didn't have any big moments for any of them, so it's a little 🤷

ngl, hated zava with a passion and all of his scenes were cringe and boring to me. we already went over the dick star player arc in season 1 with jamie, and zava purposely has less redeeming moments (because he doesn't have a three-season story ahead of him). this plot could only be interesting if it leads to a break in format or character development: ted yelling and giving up on a player / rebecca firing him despite the wins because she cares about the team / west ham drama.

I was SO FOND of colin and michael in this episode!!! they were sweet but not over the top and those moments were literally so far removed from the rest of colin's scenes in the ep, which just stresses how long colin has been hiding this. really liked michael coming to sam's restaurant and their collaborative cover story, because I'm pretty tired of gay relationship drama being one dude angry that the other one is "ashamed" of him. framing the media as their enemy and not each other is a good start.

speaking of which: trent. big sigh. could SO see that plot coming from all of the interviews mentioning trent as both a good and bad presence in richmond. idk if he'd actually out colin, because it'd be hard to come back from that in the eyes of the audience, but there's definitely drama coming and SOMEONE is going to either out colin or threaten him with it, leading to him coming out himself. could be rupert, and that'd be the start of nate realizing he's gone too far. either way that's one plotline I'm hella excited for.

that being said, if michael ends up outing then, I'm 🤡

I simply do not know what to make of tish's predictions. rebecca being upside down and drenched is foreshadowing the amsterdam episode, and whoever saves her (probably ted) would be the knight/shite. but being a mother? obviously not biologically, since hannah explicitly said it's no longer an option. so... tedbecca future???? I'm not even a shipper, I honestly can't see who else she could adopt. rupert's daughter somehow? idefk

jamie was my fave this episode, followed closely by roy. thank god for that bromance, and all of jamie's sudden vocabulary moments were laughing out loud funny. praying for a shot of him reading a dictionary and explaining his sudden word knowledge 😂 am Not Amused at the scene by the bar where keeley looks at them both, but we shall see. I'm actually kinda here for a jamie/shandy thing? their vibes sort of fit lmao. also YES to sam and his chef falling in love. let the man have some happiness and normalcy!

the ted/sassy ongoing hints confuse me, and their purpose escapes me even three seasons later. remind us ted can fuck? I don't feel like it's an endgame thing.

I'm not touching the jake thing with a ten feet pole, jfc. jake seems like a nice guy in theory, but going out with your patient/marriage counselor + not telling your co-parent that you're bringing a new man into your kid's life? no. michelle is on thin ice with me.

#that's it I'm tired I'll think harder later #ted lasso spoilers #text

[an-ishgardian-tale]

An Entry from the Memoirs of Viviane Jienuex

I used to fear myself and not that long ago. There was such darkness in my heart, such hatred. So much had happened in a short period of time that I thought it would be impossible to recover from it let alone start again. It has been a remarkable journey from where I was then to where I am now. Most mornings I open my eyes delighted to greet another day where just a cycle and a half ago I would rather have not opened my eyes at all. That is the oddest part of moving on and healing yourself the way your mind changes over time.

Aunt Doshaine once told me that she believed we were already healed long before we were consciously ready to catch up with that fact. She thought our souls, our spirits did not cling to those terrible things like our conscious self does. From it our spirit took its lesson and then forward it went with the knew knowledge and it adjust to allow for the addition of it. It was our outer self that could not let it go.

I find over time that I may agree with her on her theories more than I thought I would for as I let go of the things that are behind me now I find myself lighter and ready to move forward in my life. It has become such an exciting thing, my life. In about two moons Clement and I will be together for one whole cycle and just about two Moons after that, closer to Spring, Kovalt and I will also reach the one cycle mark. It has been such a joyous thing to have both of them in my life. They are far more patient with me than I am even with myself and it has helped me to grow in ways I never imagined possible. While together the three of us form a force to be reckoned with the individual parts are so refreshing to know. They both mean something different to me and both appeal to different parts of my life. Clement is the companion I always dreamed of, the extraordinary Nobleman with such new and revolutionary thoughts that I could hang on to every word as I waited for the next. I do not know how I finally managed to convince him that we would be the perfect match and I am still stunned that it came to be just as I had dreamed of. There are times that I fret that I am too childlike for such a mature man or I worry that I will never make him as happy as Kovalt does. I think that I natural though, we all have those passing thoughts especially those of us who have complicated memories and relationships from the past. He and I will make it, I know we will. Cycles will pass and we will look back together on how silly we were in the beginning. I have faith and hope in that future, that is what is important.

Then there is Kovalt. It surprises me the more I get to know of him and the closer we become that we did not take an interest in each other when we were working for our past employer. Of course that was not the best of times and I only arrived towards the end of it all to manage the Tarot and Tea shop. There was also the fact that at the time my former companion had such rules on my head that I was lucky I could sit down and have a breath, let alone a conversation that could have led to anything else. I am quite pleased with how things have developed between us and while Clement are the roaring bonfire that could set the Star on fire with our passions. Kovalt and I are the slow and steady candle flame. That difference alone warms my heart for it means we are each developing in our own ways and needs.

And now to bed I must go for the sun rises early and the is much to be done on the morrow. I cannot wait until we can leave for Corethas. It will be a lovely "break" for all of us and I do miss the snow. Shh do not tell Clement I said that. I really look forward to it. I still have so much to learn of my quiet lover and the life in which he comes from.

V.S.J

[n1k1tty]

keep it on the down low - nishimura riki

╰─ ever since you were selected as riki’s next partner for his upcoming dance collab, you may or may not have developed feelings for each other. but despite their companies not really supporting dating in their idol's careers, both riki and y/n tried to keep it on the down low. key word: tried

pairings: idol! riki x idol! reader

genre: fluff

It was around 2 am in the morning when you and Riki decided to stay for a little bit more to finish up the first part of the song.

"1 2 3 4, 5 6 7 8" Riki counts as you both move in sync, he smiles at your worn out figure laying down on the ground "tired? we can wrap this up if you want to"

He sits down next to you, handing you his cup of cold water. Your mind secretly going on frantic over his little gesture "Let's just finish this last part and i'm heading home- unless you're tired too-" you sip the water, sitting up.

"-Nah, nah i'm not tired yet" He shakes his head. crap, did that sound too desperate? Riki asks himself, trying his best to not make it seem like he was avoiding your gaze

"Alright then, 2:30 we'll leave" You say, walking towards the table as you place the cup. Riki seriously didn't know how calm and collected you were especially with just the two of you alone, together. No managers, no members, nada.

You start playing the music, feeling yourself getting more exhausted each minute that passed by. Sloppily moving your body with the rhythm. Of course that didn't go unnoticed by Riki.

As the song ended, you both face each other. It was a part of the dance, but your face being barely an inch from Riki's wasn't. You both froze, not knowing what to do. Well, facing a different way was another solution, but neither of you wanted to do that, let's be honest.

At this moment, Riki didn't give a shit.

He grabbed you by the waist, faces inching closer by the second. But before your lips could touch—

“This one is for the boys with the boomin syst— Riki? Y/n?” Heeseung takes a second to blink, eyes refusing to see what he was seeing “I uh, I gotta go. My manager is asking if i’m at home. See you Riki, Bye Heeseung” You hurriedly pack your things, face red from embarrassment and the thought of you and Riki almost kissing.

“Hyung— I can explain—“ Riki walks towards him, trying to grab his hand “—Riki calm down, I wont tell” Heeseung chuckles, patting Riki’s bag “If you don’t know where my airpods are, then go walk her home. She’s not supposed to be out at this hour alone. I’ll take your stuff back to the dorm aight?”

“Oh gosh” you groaned, dragging your feet as you rethink what had happened “What should I do?” You pull your hair.

Just as you were about to turn to the corner you hear him call your name ‘No Riki! This is not the time!’ you panicked, but just before you could act as if you didn’t hear him, he taps you by the shoulder “Riki, just what the hell are you thinking chasing me right at this hour!?” You whisper-yell at him “I was just worried about you walking home at 3 am. Your company sucks for not getting you a driver”

“No I told them I could walk home” You chuckle, in Riki’s eyes you seemed so bothered. Noticing the way you dragged your feet and messy hair “Everything okay?” He asked, facing you

“Riki we’re doomed! Heeseung knows, and maybe dispatch is somewhere out there already taking pictures of us at this mome—”

He giggles “So what?” You gasp, mouth open. You seriously couldn’t believe this kid.

“So what?! Ugh, why do I even put up with you” facepalming as you groan

“Heeseung hyung said he wouldn’t tell, and I don’t care about dispatch, engenes know how close we are and does your fans. They’ll think this is a friendly gesture” Riki reassures you as he looked at the stars, finding peace within your presence.

“So don’t worry okay? Everything will be alright. And if they ever suspect anything, I’ll try to find a way to get us out of it” He stops by your doorstep “Well, this is your dorm, good night y/n—”

Without a thought running through your mind, you pecked Riki Nishimura. Immediately trying to unlock the door “Good night Riki” You smile, squealing once you closed it “I saw that” Ningning smirks. There goes your money.

—

It was the following week after your collaboration with Riki was released and so far everything was going great. Both your fans really liked the content you both made, appreciating your talents and especially loved your ‘friendship’

Riki was right, everything was going to be alright. No dispatch and no suspicions from the fans and both companies.

And ever since that night, you and Riki had decided to make it official. Both agreeing to keep it a secret for now until you were both ready.

Thankfully the fans recognized the playful personalities and cherished your friendship, making videos like “Y/n and Riki being chaotic in their (collab) behind” and “Riki and Y/n being the best friends everyone would want” Of course, your companies noticed the sudden increase of popularity for both groups and proposed an idea of having each other in shows, and other things that could possibly make you interact more. Almost immediately, you both were very supportive of the idea and agreed to do more shows.

—

You guys had an episode to go to the beach with the other Enhypen members. As you were filming the things that you were packing, Riki knocks on your door “Oh? Riki came~” you cooed, smiling at the sight of his head peaking through the door “Y/n! You’re packing more than necessary” He laughs, looking at the big pile of folded clothes.

After a few minutes, you decided to stop filming. Immediately throwing yourself into Riki’s arms “Are you excited?” you asked, rubbing circles on his back “not really— I mean yeah i kinda am but what if the other members—”

He pouts at the sound of you laughing “No ones gonna steal me Nishimura Riki. If that’s what you’re worried about” you squished his cheeks

“Now help me pick which swim suit I should wear”

“Okay :D” He gladly says, sitting patiently as you start gathering the options.

So far, filming with enhypen was fun, you got to play games in the pool, grill meat, answering mini interviews the other members held, you enjoyed it all.

Of course the trip wouldn’t be complete without you and Riki flirting with each other once in a while. Which caught both your fans attention, posting overly suspicious interactions between you and Riki. Leaving comments like “act surprised when they reveal that they’re dating” and “OKAY CAN WE TALK ABOUT: Y/n casually wrapping her arms around Riki’s neck while just staring at each other in today’s behind” all around twitter.

Jungwon being active on all social media platforms didn’t help either, resulting to him realizing that you and Riki were more than just friends. Soon enough the other members figure it out as well, silently sitting back and enjoying you both so oblivious towards the fact that everyone knew.

Meanwhile, you and Riki thought you were doing an excellent job at keeping it a secret. While resting on the same bed watching a movie, your manager barges in, shoving the phone into both your faces “Nishimura Riki, care to explain?”

A screenshot of Dispatch tweeting about your guy’s relationship is trending on twitter, following a few screenshots of fans posting about your relationship.

Your heart drops

His manager chuckled, “I already knew. Just came to tell you CEO Bang supports it and would like to have a meeting about confirming it”

Long story short, you both did agree to publicize your relationship and was extremely happy to hear that the fans supported you both

yall, i dont rlly like how i wrote this :( but i rlly missed posting so…. I SWEAR ILL MAKE BETTER ONES. i just need to find my motivation to do so :)

#enhypen #enhypen scenarios #enhypen fluff #enhypen x reader #enhypen x reader fluff #enhypen imagines #enhypen riki #riki fluff #enhypen niki #niki fluff #enhypen niki fluff #n1k1tty: riki m.list !

[butgilinsky]

'cause maybe then you'd want me just as much // np

warning; heavy language, toxy relationships, love triangle to an extent, throwing up, mentions alcohol a lot, mentions of smut but nothing explicit, there's one make out scene in it, angst angst angst this is straight angst, i think that's it?

summary; after your split from Nolan, you can't seem to find a way for both of you to be happy. when you meet his girlfriend for the first time, everyone seems to think you've developed a crush on her. based on the song girl crush by little big town.

word count; 15.6k+

a/n; he baddies, so this is a lot. one thing i wanted to say quickly is that this is mainly a nolan fic, but there are heavy joel x reader themes throughout. a bit of a love triangle but that's not entirely the focus of it. so if you're here for a nolan fic, here ya go. if you're here for a beezer fic, strap in it just takes a bit of time to develop to that point(: enjoy!

add yourself to my nhl taglist!

“You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too.” your eyes instinctively rolled back, the anger burning in your chest only growing at his attempt to confront this situation head on. He had a tendency of doing that, going at something full force with little to no thought of how it’ll actually end up.

“That’s a stupid saying! Why would I want the cake in the first place if I can’t eat it?”

“Can you dissect the english language another time and just listen to me for once?” the scoff that tumbled past your lips was subconscious, something you couldn’t stop yourself from. “All i’m saying is-”

“I get it, Nolan. I won’t give you the satisfaction of claiming me in front of the entire world, and now you’re walking away from me. If you can’t tell everyone that I’m yours then it means I'm not, right?” his shoulders slumped, his chest deflating as your words resonated in his mind.

Truth be told, Nolan didn’t give a shit what other people thought. He didn’t care about other people’s view of him, nor did he care about their validation. All he wanted was to be able to tell his friends where he went after each of his games, who he spent his nights and mornings with. He didn’t want to keep lying about why he bought enough groceries to feed more than one person, or who called him when he was on the road.

He understood at first, why you wanted to keep things to yourself. For a while, he agreed with you. He didn’t want your friends to get in the way either, though the group the two of you were in made that slightly difficult. They thrived off of teasing each other, and the two of you did your fair share of teasing as well. One thing Nolan didn’t want was for his friends to make the two of you feel as if this was all a mistake. He didn’t want you to have to face any scrutiny from the team or anyone else, so the two of you agreed to keep things just between the two of you.

That all turned to shit around six months in, when Nolan stopped getting excited about slipping out of his apartment unseen or arriving at the rink just in time for him to duck underneath Claude’s radar. The secrecy wasn’t fun anymore. He didn’t need a label, didn’t need you to commit to an entire life with him, but he wanted to be able to show up to functions with you under his arm. He wanted to see you wearing your Patrick jersey outside of your apartment.

He wanted you to be his girlfriend, and he wanted everyone to know about it.

Nolan knew there were things that had happened to you in the past that made you hesitant to climb aboard. He tried to be patient, tried to give you the time and space you needed to get you to where he stood. But months passed and you never got there, and he was starting to lose faith that you’d ever get there. He was starting to think he was waiting for something that was never going to come.

“I’m not sneaking around anymore. You can decide what that means, but I refuse to have these secret rendezvous where I can’t even tell people where I’m going. We don’t have to put a label on it, I’ll wait an entire lifetime if I have to for that, but I’m sick of the lying and scheming and secrecy.” he didn’t know what was more important to you at this point; being with him or making sure you kept all of your walls up. He did know what his priorities were, where he stood on the subject matter, but that wasn’t enough anymore. Now it was up to you to decide where the two of you lie.

“So what’s it going to be y/n?”

The last time you had gone through a break up, it had hurt a lot less than this. The weeks following the split between you and Nolan had been harder than any breakup in the past. Maybe the thing that was making all of it worse was the fact that you were suffering in silence. Nobody knew about you and Nolan in the first place, so nobody knew about the breakup that wasn’t actually a breakup.

You didn’t see him for two weeks after he’d walked out of your apartment. You couldn’t bring yourself to go to his games, and you denied all of the team’s invitations to go out with them. Even when Joel and Travis showed up to your apartment with several bags of take out food and tried their best to pick your brain about what had been going on with you, you fabricated a story about how school and work were mixing together in an unappetizing way.

It was easy for the most part, to blame your mood on schoolwork. Most of the flyers had no idea how stressful college could be, given that even the ones that were in your age range had never gone to college. Apart from a few of them like Joel, who had spent a year in college before being drafted, they assumed that school was everything you said it was. So any time they invited you out and tried to tell you that you couldn’t come up with any more excuses, a simple lie about a project being due soon would fend them off for a few days before repeating the process.

You finally agreed to go to a game when Joel needed a last minute ride to the rink, which ended in him convincing you that since you were already there, you could stick around for the game. You were sure that he had planned it all out, no doubt with the help of a few of the guys in order to be convincing enough, but it worked. It got you in the seats where most of them stopped by to wave at you during warm ups.

The smile that crept onto your lips when Nolan scored was subconscious. You couldn’t help but smile and clap for him, a warm familiarity swimming in your chest. Normally you’d meet him at your apartment afterwards, sharing toothy smiles and sensual kisses that never failed to turn into more. Your bed was familiar with Nolan, claiming half of itself to be side and clearing out a space on your nightstand for his phone and water bottle.

But you couldn’t do that anymore, Nolan wasn’t yours to take home anymore. While the realization was tough to bear, you simply wiped the smile off of your face and barred a neutral expression for the remainder of the game. You clamped your lips shut in a tight line and kept your deafening thoughts to yourself.

Your life had made room for him, a space for him to slide in without much effort at all. Your routine molded itself around Nolan being there in the mornings and nights. It started as little things like buying a second phone charger to plug in on his side of the bed. Then it turned to buying double the amount of groceries and recording his favorite shows on tv. Then he had a toothbrush next to yours on the bathroom counter and a bottle of body wash next to your shampoo in the shower. They were little changes here and there that somehow made it feel like Nolan practically lived there.

Even if the words were never said out loud, you and Nolan had broken up. It was hard to wrap your head around, how you could break up with someone without even realizing that you were dating in the first place. It shouldn’t have been so detrimental to lose him, to not have his hips snapping into yours or wake up to him brewing coffee in your kitchen. It was never supposed to get this far, was never supposed to be a tale of two friends that pined for each other enough to cause these waves. It was what you had done your best to avoid over its entirety, but you failed.

And now you had to pretend as if none of it had ever happened.

“Get out of the car, y/n.” you rolled your eyes at Joel’s attempt to sound stern with you, given the look he was sending you through the door frame. His eyebrows were raised and his hands sat on his hips, as if he was your angry mother that was dragging you to soccer practice on a sunday morning. “You have five seconds or I'm carrying you inside.”

“Jesus, Joel I just dropped my chapstick, chill the fuck out.” he rolled his eyes but smiled when you began climbing out of the car.

It was almost painful to convince you to come to Claude and Ryanne’s cookout, an event you normally wouldn’t miss for the world. If this were three months ago, you would’ve been happy to oblige. You’d steal glances across the yard at the boy who was more often than not already looking at you. Maybe you’d meet up in one of the empty rooms far enough from everyone else that they wouldn’t hear you sharing affirmations or other things not appropriate for a family friendly cookout with practically everyone you knew in Philly.

But you knew when you woke up this morning that that wouldn’t happen. You don’t live in the past and you’re no longer able to share stolen glances and smiles with the blue eyed boy who had stolen your heart without you realizing it. Instead you’d be forced to act as if nothing had happened between the two of you. It was easy at games, given that you never truly had to talk to Nolan, but today wouldn’t be that easy. You were certain that at some point you’d have to talk to Nolan in order to eliminate any suspicion about the two of you giving each other the cold shoulder.

You had mentally prepared yourself for the disaster you may or may not encounter, the feelings that were bound to throb in the back of your mind upon seeing the boy with shoulder length hair and a voice that never failed to send a chill down your spine. What you hadn’t been expecting was the petite blonde girl tucked into his side, the one with bright blue eyes and a smile that surely had the entire room smiling right back at her.

The weight of the situation hit you at full force, almost knocking you off of your feet before you even stepped onto the grass in the backyard. You asked yourself if there was any way you could escape, any way you could find a last minute excuse and run out the door before he even saw you but then you remembered that Joel drove you, and there was no way he’d take you back now.

That, and Nolan locked eyes with you before you could form a coherent thought that might have gotten you out of this situation. He looked thrown off, like he hadn’t been expecting you to be here. He looked down at the girl beside him, painfull aware of how this all looked to you and finding a million and one things that he assumed were running through your mind.

“You alright?” your eyes flicked up to meet Joel’s that were flooded with confusion and worry at the sight of you clearly thrown off by something. But then you coughed and shook your head, forced a smile to the surface and told Joel that you were perfectly fine.

You were fine for a while, assuming you could just stay away from them and everything would be okay. If you didn’t have to talk to her, didn’t have to hear about her or anything that had anything to do with her, you’d be fine. You could handle the avoidance of eye contact with Nolan and you could push your feelings below the surface for the time being.

Unfortunately for you, she seemed to be just about the nicest person on the planet and felt the need to introduce herself to everyone in her general vicinity. You were walking back out of the house, your fingers wrapped around the neck of four different bottles before she popped up out of nowhere and offered you a bright smile.

“Hi! You’re y/n right?” you nodded gently, pushing a soft smile to the surface to humor her. “Thought so. Nolan’s told me a lot about you. I’m Mackayla.”

Aside from the fact that she was definitely the last person you wanted to be talking to right now, she was dangerously nice. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t see the appeal. Her long blonde hair was beautiful, and you were sure by the way she was gently gripping onto her cup that she was gentle in all walks of life.

She was nicer than you’d wished she’d be. It’s as if you couldn’t find a flaw about her, other than the boy she chose to latch onto. It’d be easier if he was smiling all the same, if he was looking at her the way he used to look at you, even if nobody noticed. You’d be able to live with it if Nolan looked just as happy with her as he did with you, but he didn’t.

His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his hands were always shoved into his pockets or running through his hair. His knuckles went white from his tight grip on his better bottle, and you just knew. You knew that the way he looked at her held little to no weight, not when compared to the way he’d look at you with your head on his chest or his in your lap. If you didn’t know what he looked like at 2 in the morning over a plate of waffles the two of you were sharing. If you hadn’t heard the laugh that bellowed out when you stared at him in disbelief for eating the last bite.

You wondered if she knew that he’d rather waste money on overpriced sushi than order a pizza, if she knew that rubbing his temples and scratching his scalp helped soothe his migraines. Did she know that he’d talk about the things bugging him if you just gave him space for a minute or so and let him collect his thoughts? Did she know that he kept a bottle of ibuprofen in his nightstand and one in the center console of his car?

You doubted she knew these things, because you knew Nolan was oblivious to you knowing these little things. He didn’t know you’d picked up on these small details about him because you didn’t voice them, you didn’t need to. You got his favorite coffee creamer without asking him what flavor he wanted, keeping it in your fridge at all times just in case. You made sure not to steal the black hoodie that always laid over the back of his couch, because you knew it was his favorite and if you had ever taken it he’d lose his mind.

You made sure that Nolan was taken care of, that you never acted out in a way that would negatively affect him. And as much as it hurt to stand in front of his new girl and act as if you didn’t know all of these things about him, you’d do it for him. You swallowed your pride and forced a smile so that nobody picked up on anything for Nolan’s sake.

You were doing an okay job with faking a smile and listening to Mackayla talk about the things she’d done with Nolan over the weekend. You’d learned she was from Georgia, though that much had been obvious from the southern drawl in her voice, and it only led you to wonder how she even met Nolan in the first place. Was she staying at his apartment while she was here? Did she sleep on your side of the bed and eat the granola bars that he always bought for you without a second of hesitation?

You were doing fine, until you noticed Nolan’s eyes glued to you. He was watching you, whether it was out of fear of you falling apart or stepping out of line in front of her, you weren't sure. Maybe he didn’t trust you with the girl he was trying to use to get over you, and maybe he was concerned for your well being, but you had a fairly good guess as to which one it would’ve ended up being.

So with the best excuse you could muster, you politely told Mackayla that you had to deliver the beers slotted between your fingers and ushered her back in Nolan’s direction. He tucked her under his arm just like he had when you first arrived and sent you one last careful glance before turning away from you both figurative and literally.

When you got back to Joel and dished out the beers you promised everyone, you pressed your own against your lips and downed half of the beer in one go before Joel forced you to stop.

“Woah! Try not to drink your weight tonight, yeah?” you rolled your eyes and fought back the groan that threatened to slip when Joel pulled your bottle away from you. “Breathe for a second.”

You tried to ignore Travis and Karly’s concerned looks, confusion setting in for both of them when you offered a smile in place of an explanation. They didn’t question it, knowing better than to dig too far into the reason for your actions. In an attempt to take the focus off of your odd behavior, Travis offered a change of conversation. Though it would’ve been better if he had chosen a topic that didn’t directly relate to your sour mood.

“So Mackayla’s pretty nice.” Karly hummed, eyes locking with yours for just a second. Her motive was innocent, simply offering a skepticism about a new girl being introduced into the mix, something the two of you usually had when any of the guys started dating someone new.

“She’s pretty.” you shrugged gently, attempting to offer an innocent enough addition to the conversation that wouldn’t force you to endure too much more of this conversation.

Joel gasped gently, eyes panning down to you while a smirk creeped up his lips and firmly planted itself on his face. “Do you have the hots for Patty’s girl?”

Your eyes blew wide and while the only thing running through your mind was how wrong Joel is, he mistook your shock for fear of being sniffed out so easily. It didn’t help that Joel had been your wingman on more than one occasion, always doing everything he could to snag you someone worthy of time.

“Bee-”

“You’re so into her!” you groaned at Travis bouncing in excitement, only calming down when his girlfriend dug her elbow into his ribs.

“I do not have a crush on Mackayla.”

“Who said anything about a crush?” Joel’s smile ignited a fire inside of your chest, an aggravation that had you clenching your jaw and rolling your eyes. He sucked his teeth and pressed a hand to his chest, a far off look settling in his expression. “My baby’s growing up.”

“Shut the fuck up, Farabee.”

Unfortunately, you were unable to convince Travis and Joel about your feelings towards the girl, or lack thereof. You couldn’t exactly tell them that you weren’t anything less than envious of her, that you kept looking in her direction because she seemed physically incapable of leaving Nolan’s side. You couldn’t tell them that you were truly looking at Nolan, that all you wanted to do was tell him that everything that’s happened was severely miscalculated on your part.

While Joel and Travis were painful at times, they were your best friends. They were attentive to your feelings more often than not, even if they miscalculated them here and there. Joel slipped you a few more drinks throughout the night and Travis made sure you never had an empty cup in your hand. Karly kept a close eye on you, worried about you quickly tipping over the edge if no one paid attention. She wasn’t convinced by the story of your crush on Mackayla, but she wasn’t sure what was truly bothering you so she did her best to make sure you stayed away from the ledge.

After two cups of the punch that Jake brought you were taking deep breaths in the bathroom, mustering up the courage to go back out and face the music. With every twinge of alcohol that infiltrated your system your shoulders slumped and you forgot about the pain that resonated in the back of your mind. It was easier to not look at Nolan every few seconds when you partially forgot that he was even there.

However, just as you opened the door to step back out into the house, the door was pushed wide open and Nolan stepped into the small space with you before shutting the door behind him. You were caught off guard, not having been this close to him since he walked out three months ago. It was almost nice, you almost let yourself slip a smile but then you were painfully aware of the way his forehead creased in frustration.

He saw your mind go over ninety different thoughts, your face showing off just about every emotion you were feeling when you felt it. It was hard for him to stand his ground, to not reach out to you and press a soft kiss against your forehead at the sight of you stressed out about something. But then he remembered why you were stressed, why he came up here in the first place. He remembered how you told him you couldn’t be with him, how you broke his heart.

“Why are you in here, Pat?” he flinched at the name, having not heard you call him that since before everything had unfolded between the two of you. You never called him by his last name, nor his hockey nicknames. Not after you’d been trapped between him and his mattress far more times than you could count.

“You talked to Mackayla earlier.” you hummed, rolling your eyes when you realized what was coming.

“So you saw me talking to your girlfriend earlier and now you’re wondering if I told her something she’s not supposed to know. If you’re wondering what we talked about then you can ask her, because I honestly couldn’t remember if my life depended on it. I stopped listening to her after she told me that you’ve told her a lot about me.” despite the way his eyes changed, darkening ever so slightly and pupils dilating, Nolan looked unphased by your confession.

“She’s not my girlfriend-”

“Then what is she? She’s clearly something since she’s here at your captain’s house. She’s visiting from Georgia for fuck’s sake, Pat-”

“So you did pay attention to her.” as fucked as it was, Nolan smirked at the realization that you still cared. Despite everything you told him, every time you said that you needed things to be a secret and that you couldn’t open up that part of you, he was elated to find out that you had a soft spot for him.

“Do you think it’s funny? You think it’s funny to watch me fall apart right in front of you? I’m trying so hard to keep myself together, and then you bring her here and wave her around in my face like you deserve an award for moving on.”

“I had no idea you were coming.” you wanted to laugh, wanted to scream at the top of your lungs that he had to be joking right now. But you didn’t, you held the laugh in the back of your throat and you opted for a vocal level that wouldn’t travel downstairs for everyone else to hear.

“That’s bullshit! I know you’re lying to me because Joel showed me a string of texts from your group chat of everyone saying that they were excited to see me. You know why he showed me that, Pat? Because I needed the motivation to peel myself off of my couch and start hanging out with my friends again. You know, i’m doing everything I can to hold it together but it’s really fucking hard when i can’t even be vocal about the fact that I don’t want to be around you right now.”

“Oh, don’t put that shit on me. You wanted to keep us a secret, so that means your heartbreak is a secret too. What do you want me to do about it? Help you through it? You want me to help you get over me? This is me trying to do that. I’m trying to move on, and you should be trying just as hard.” that almost hurt more than figuring out that he had deep rooted feelings for her. To know that she was your replacement, the one that was meant to help him get over you, that was much worse.

“But that’s the thing, Nolan! I don't want to get over you!”

“Well you have to! It’s too late to make up for all of the shit we’ve already been through. The damage is done, so you need to let me be happy without you.” your heart sank at the revelation, the look of defeat that sat on his face and told you that there was no going back. There was nothing you could do that was going to backtrack from this.

So you reached around him and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it as quickly as you could and slipping out of the bathroom just as quickly as Nolan had slipped in. You ran down the stairs fast enough to miss the sound of him slamming his fist into the countertop, the guttural groan that left him as he broke down in the room you left him in.

The good thing about the alcohol induced daze you were in was that your tears could’ve been due to anything. They could’ve been from someone taking your white claw away, and while you were sure you could find an excuse for crying, you knew that you wouldn’t need to when you saw Joel’s face.

“Can we go?” he nodded without a single question, promising you that it had been well over two hours since he had had a single sip of beer. He turned to Phil and told him to tell everyone they left but to leave out the part about you standing in front of them with wet cheeks and red eyes.

He didn’t ask you what was wrong, didn’t ask you to fess up to your crying fest in the car. He simply drove around the city until you had let out every tear and choked sob you could manage. He knew that part of it was spurred on by your blood alcohol level, surel exceeding the limit to drive, but he knew there was something you weren’t saying.

While not many people other than the people in Joel’s close vicinity had seen you crying just before your disappearance, a few did. And while nobody knew what it could have possibly been caused by, Karly watched Nolan descend down the stairs a few minutes after you had with an expression much different than the one he wore when he went upstairs. His cheeks were red and blown out, a dead give away for him being angry. It didn’t take her long to put the pieces together, to realize that you weren’t looking at Mackayla all night but rather the boy who had an arm draped around her shoulder.

You hoped that maybe you’d never have to see Mackayla after that, that she’d return to whatever town in Georgia she came from and stay there. Maybe even if she was around, you wouldn’t have to be around her. If Joel and Travis wanted to believe that it was from your attraction to her then so be it, just as long as you didn’t have to witness Nolan giving someone else the affection you craved from him.

But time passed and Mackayla stuck around. She stuck around for a few more months, visiting Nolan far more often than you would have cared for. She was around more than you wished she’d be. She was nice enough for everyone to like her, though it was kept at a surface level. Joel still picked your brain about your supposed crush on her, dropping hints in various conversations about it.

“So I was talking to Mack the other day-”

“Who the fuck is Mack?” it was a reflex, popping your head around the corner and shooting Joel a confused look across the room. He was leaning back on your couch, waiting for you to come back with the popcorn that was currently popping in the microwave.

“Mackayla…” Joel’s voice trailed off as he turned over his shoulder, his smirk all too irritating for you to not roll your eyes.

“What, the two of you are best friends now?” if Joel didn’t know you so well, he’d think you were jealous. He did, to an extent, think that you were jealous of him for being close to Mackayla, which was somewhat amusing for you.

“Chill, y/n/n. I’m not going to steal her away from you. She’s all yours, after she’s Patty’s.” it was meant to be playful, meant to bring a soft laugh out of you. Joel had no idea that he was just digging the dagger further into your heart, twisting it violently at the mention of Nolan and his girlfriend that seemed to be here to stay for much longer than you originally expected.

She showed up at games that you quickly regretted attending, wearing a jersey that you recognized all too well, having a few matching ones lining the back of your closet. You played nice though, letting her ask questions about you and answering them with the best answer you could offer at the time. You even went to grab drinks with her during the second intermission.

It was almost laughable, how oblivious she was. She was nice and in any other scenario where she wasn’t dating the boy you were hopelessly in love with, you probably would have liked her. There was nothing wrong with her other than her love interest, and the fact that she was oblivious to everything around her. You thought it was innocent at first, maybe even cute, but then she offered you a bright smile after you had calmed down from celebrating Joel’s second goal of the night and told you that the two of you would be a cute couple. Not only did it make you laugh, but the way she wiggled her eyebrows and told you that she could help you make that happen made you sigh in realization that she truly had no idea what mess she had walked into.

You hadn’t realized that Karly had caught onto your distaste for her until you announced that you had to run to the bathroom and Karly jumped up before Mackayla could even think about it and hooked her arms in yours. You sent her a puzzled look laced with a soft smile until she raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips in a way that told you exactly why she volunteered to go with you.

She let you break down in the bathroom, confessing that the mere sight of her made you nauseous. You told her about the history between you and Nolan, the way that you fell in love with him without even knowing it. You told her how you messed it up, how you did something that he couldn’t forgive you for and before you were able to tell her that you didn’t know how you would fix any of it, she told you that there was no way in hell that this was irreversible.

She’d seen the way you looked at him, the way he looked at you and the way he looked at her. In her mind, the choice was clear. Mackayla was no match for you, not even close. She didn’t bring any of the things to the table that you could, despite her being a good person. She wasn’t a bad person, but you were made for Nolan. Even Karly could figure that one out.

So you let her drag you to a bar with the team afterwards. You let her ring up a tab for the two of you and slip you drinks throughout the night without thinking much of it. Sure, Mackayla and Nolan weren’t very far away, but you knew you wouldn’t have to watch them do much more than things you’d already seen. You knew they wouldn’t dance, since Nolan would’ve preferred to drink everything behind the bar than dance in public.

It made you think about the times he danced with you in the kitchen at 3 am when soft music was pouring out of his phone and encapsulating the two of you in your own bubble. Neither of you were ever fully dressed, wearing things that you picked up off of the floor before cooking an entire meal in the middle of the night. Those nights were your favorite, when he did things that only you had the pleasure of experiencing.

It made a familiar feeling stir in your stomach, one that had you pressing the back of your hand to your mouth as you rushed towards the bathroom, passing the line that formed against one of the walls. Karly apologized to everyone who you had unintentionally skipped, though they all waved her off and claimed that you clearly needed it more than they did.

You were relieved when you got inside, able to breathe while also getting the nausea out of your system. Karly stood guard, only opening the door to yell at someone that had been knocking for the past three minutes.

“It’s fucking occupied- Patty?”

“Move.” you coughed at the sound of his voice, your throat constricting in a way that was involuntary. “Karly, seriously-”

“Nolan that’s not a good idea-”

“I can get her to stop.” Karly’s words paused in her throat, uncertainty flowing through her but when she heard you dry heave for the third time, she stepped aside and let Nolan come inside.

He gently pulled your hair out of your hands and grabbed the hair tie around your wrist, throwing your hair into the quickest ponytail he could in order to get it out of your face. His hands fell to your sides, slipping under your shirt without much effort at all and providing your skin with a newfound warmth.

He’d done this before, that much was obvious to Karly with the way you easily melted into his touch. He wasn’t doing much more than Karly could do but she knew that it was the feeling of his hands that grounded you, rather than physical touch in the general sense. If it wasn’t Nolan it wouldn’t have worked, and that gave Karly everything she needed to know about how you felt about her boyfriend’s best friend.

“You’re okay.” he whispered softly, letting you fall back against his chest and curl up into a ball on the floor of a dirty bar bathroom. He rocked you gently, almost unintentionally, while he kissed the back of your head gently. “You’re okay.” he repeated, feeling you relax into his hold afterwards.

Karly was stunned to say the least. She had never seen you react like that to anybody, let alone when they were that close to you. She was used to seeing you shove Joel or Travis away from you when they tried to baby you, claiming that you could hold your own and didn’t need them to help you through things. But here you were, melting into Nolan’s hold without a second thought.

“Thank you.” you whispered gently, despite the fact that Nolan was inherently the reason you were in this position. He didn’t know that, assuming your physical reaction to be from the alcohol you had consumed.

“I’m going to go get you some water.” Karly whispered softly before slipping out of the room, but not leaving until she threatened anyone else that tried to usher you out of the bathroom.

“You didn’t have to do that you know?” it was soft and broke through a thick silence after Karly had left, but it was enough for Nolan.

“I know I didn’t, but I care about you and I know that Karly’s clueless when it comes to things like that.” you laughed, one that came out more bitter than you had originally intended it to. Nolan’s ears perked up, his face twisting in confusion. “What?”

“Nothing, you’re just holding me in a bathroom right now while your girlfriend is waiting for you to return.” Nolan groaned, annoyed that you had to ruin a good moment by mentioning Mackayla. He shouldn’t have been surprised, but he wished that just once he could have a conversation without you mentioning her.

“Alright well if you want me to leave, I can.” he stood up, brushing off his jeans and turning towards the door before you were on your feet and pulling away from it.

“Do you love her?” his brow furrowed, confusion written into his features as he tried to figure out why you would ask him such a thing. His silence gave you hope, made you believe that there was a possibility that maybe he didn’t love her.

“Why would you-”

“Do you still love me?” it hit him like a thousand bricks, like he had walked straight into a wall and knocked himself out. He’d never told you that he loved you, despite the fact that he definitely did. You had never told each other that you felt that way, though now you think maybe that would have changed things between the two of you. “I only ask because-”

“Just, don’t. Don’t this to me, y/n. I can’t handle this again.” you wondered if the sound you heard was his heart cracking, breaking in his chest at a simple question. You wondered if you had messed things up by being too scared, by living in fear rather than taking things that you wanted.

“I love you.” you felt your shoulders fall, shedding themselves of the weight they held onto for so long. “I love you so much it hurts, and everyone thinks it’s just because I’m in love with your girlfriend. They think that when i’m looking at you, i’m looking at her and while it’s a great coverup for the real issue at hand, it’s almost worse. Because in a way, I guess I am. I want to be her, I want to be in her place. I want to kiss her because at least I'll get to taste your lips again. At least if I listen to her go on and on about her weekend plans then I can keep up with your life from someone other than Tk.”

It was a lot, a lot of things you’d wanted to say for longer than you could recount, but now it was too much. It was too much to dump on Nolan in a bar bathroom where you had just previously been throwing up. It wasn’t ideal, and it was probably disgusting, but you need to get it out now. Now or never, right here in the bathroom where Nolan’s girlfriend stood not too far outside of it.

“Y/n-”

“Just tell me you love me. Tell me i’m not crazy because I think you look at me the way you should be looking at her. I think that whatever you have with her is probably great, but it’s nothing like what we had. She’s not me, Nolan. I know she’s not.”

“That’s the problem! She’s not you, and that’s good for me. She’s good for me. She doesn’t hide me, doesn’t shove me into her room when her best friend comes knocking on the door. She doesn’t hide my jerseys in the back of her closet or stay ten feet away from me in public. She’s not you, but that’s not an accident.” your heart sank, not only at the words ringing in your ears but the steam pouring out of his ears. The way that he was looking at you, like you’d ruined him, made your stomach twist. It was awful, to have him stand in front of you and not understand that all you wanted was him.

“Nolan please-”

“Please what, y/n? Haven’t we already had this conversation? You want me to help you but I'm telling you I can’t do that. I can’t keep running into bathrooms when you’re throwing up and I can’t hold your hand when your anxiety bubbles up and you can’t be around people anymore. I can’t do this for you anymore y/n. Yes, I love you. I love you but it hurts in a way that love should not hurt. I shouldn’t wake up every morning feeling like i’ve lost a part of me that i’ll never get back. I should be able to have a girlfriend without worrying about what my ex thinks, how she feels about me. I shouldn’t have to worry about your feelings anymore because you didn’t worry about mine when I was begging you to stop making me sneak around with you.”

“I didn’t mean for-”

“I don’t care anymore, honestly. I don’t care what you meant to do. All I'm asking you to do is to leave me alone and let me move on with my life. You had your chance, you had me right in front of you, telling you that you were the one for me, you were it, and you threw it away. You broke my heart and kicked me to the curb because you didn’t care what I wanted. So now i’m telling you that I don’t care what you want. I want you to stay away from me.”

The image of him walking out of the bathroom felt a lot like the night he walked out of your apartment. The way he slammed the door in your face, leaving you behind with wet cheeks and an ache in your chest that made it hard to breathe. It wasn’t any different from last time, but you were determined to change it from here on out.

You walked out of the bathroom after splashing water on your face, walking straight up to the bar and ordering three shots of tequila. Three shots that Karly watched him place in front of you from her place across the room as panic coursed through her. She shoved Travis to the side and did her best to reach you in time, dragging Joel along with her but it was too late. You had already tipped back two of the shots by the time they got there, and just as they slammed into the side of the bar, you lifted your third in a mock cheer before downing it.

“Let’s go have some fun, yeah?” you grabbed Karly’s hands and pulled her to the middle of the room to dance with you.

Karly wasn’t sure if she should be careful around you, if you had things that you wanted to air out or if you wanted to bury everything. She wasn’t sure exactly what happened with you and Nolan, and she wasn’t entirely sure how she was supposed to help you. So she let you drink. She made sure that Joel would be ready to take you home when you needed to go, and she let you do almost anything in between.

Joel was the one that cut you off, paying for your tab and pulling you away from a guy you were trying to hustle drinks from in favor of taking you home. He labeled you as gone enough to go home and when he was met with a drunken smile, he knew he made the right decision.

He kept an arm around you when you said goodbye to everyone, and pretended not to notice the way you skipped right over Nolan on your way out. Karly made him promise to call her as soon as he had gotten you home. He let you lean against him on the walk to his car and made sure all of your limbs were safely placed inside before shutting the door.

“You have a good night?” Joel asked about a minute or so into the drive, watching you gaze longingly out of your window. You nodded gently, which was slightly off putting but somehow enough for Joel to stop pushing it.

“She’s so pretty.” Joel’s ears perked up, attention shifting over to you at the sound of your voice. “Great smile, big blue eyes that you can’t help but stare out. Her accent can get annoying but it’s cute in a weird way.”

Joel laughed gently, thinking that your rambling was a drunk confession that his skepticism had been correct, that he had sniffed you out easier than you had expected him to. But then you spoke again, and it took everything in him not to slam on the brakes in the middle of the street.

“Maybe if I had her long blonde hair or her magic touch, he’d want me just as much.” he felt his heart sink into his stomach, realization dawned on him more and more as time progressed.

All this time, he’d been teasing you about the stupid crush he thought you had on Nolan’s girlfriend. He thought the glances and the heavy sighs were directed towards the blonde girl when in all reality, they were directed at his teammate. It made sense, how you and Nolan seemed to start acting strange around the same time. He wouldn’t hear from either of you for hours at a time, when nobody knew where either of you were.

It made sense why you stopped coming to games, why you stopped accepting invitations to go out with everyone. He realized now, that he’d made a big mistake. By thinking that you had a thing for Mackayla, every mere mention of the girl must have brought a sick feeling to your stomach. He mentioned her and Nolan all the time, and had unintentionally hurt you in the process.

“Do you think he would?” you turned toward Joel, hand falling onto his arm while your eyes blurred with a thin layer of tears. He looked down at you, so fragile and small in his passenger seat, and softened. He couldn’t help but think he helped put you in this position, but he could make sure he never did it again.

“I think he’d be an idiot not to love you just the way you are.” you rolled your eyes but the smile that stretched across your lips was enough for him. You shoved him playfully, letting a laugh pass your lips afterwards.

Something twisted in his stomach, seeing you laugh beside him in his passenger seat. You looked beautiful despite the drunken haze and the way your eyes could hardly stay open. It wasn’t the first time Joel had seen you like this but he hoped it wouldn’t be his last either.

“Careful, Beezer. You’re going to get my hopes up.” his heart sank again, the smile slowly fading from your lips before you slipped into a light sleep. He was furious that anybody would hurt you like this, let alone someone that he was so close to. He didn’t know how he didn’t sniff this out sooner, but he was determined to never let it go unnoticed again.

Joel kept a close eye on you then. He made sure not to invite you to things when Mackayla was already set to attend. He kept conversation topics about Nolan in the ‘do not mention’ box, only mentioning him if he was a vital part to the story he was telling. Joel went through your closet and replaced every single Patrick jersey with a Farabee one, claiming that you can’t keep showing up to the games with a simple flyers hoodie that was practically on its last leg.

You noticed the small changes, noticed that Joel was doing his best to keep you out of harm's way. You assumed he must have told Travis enough for him to stop mentioning your alleged crush on Mackayla. One thing you were sure of was the fact that you wouldn’t have made it this far without Joel. He showed up with takeout when he knew you’d gone all day without eating, and put on your favorite movie without asking.

Essentially, he was himself, dialed up to eleven. He made sure you never had to go anywhere by yourself if you didn’t want to. It was clear that Mackayla wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and you were far too close with the rest of the team to let Nolan indirectly stop you from having fun with your friends.

You went into the night thinking that it would be a good stepping stone for you to accept the fact that Mackayla would be around more often whether you liked it or not. You got ready with Karly, pulling on the tight leotard and the bunny ears that matched. It was a ridiculous outfit, but it was worth it when Joel walked into your apartment with his arms outstretched beside him and a pipe hanging from his lips loosely.

“Where’s my bunny?” you wiped a stray tear from your waterline, your laughter tumbling further into an uncontrollable fit. You knew these costumes would be ridiculous but seeing Joel in a velvet robe and a sailor’s hat was far more comical than you originally expected.

“Hi Hughie.” you kissed his cheek gently, heating up the patch of skin unintentionally. You didn’t notice the way his eyes lingered on the skin of your exposed thighs, nor did you see the way his eyes followed you when you turned around, back facing him.

“You ready?” you nodded gently and told Travis he did a good job, despite the fact that his and Karly’s prisoner costumes were just orange jumpsuits.

Karly brought her lips close to your ear when Nolan and Mackayla arrived, making a passive comment about how you and Joel looked ten times better than that. It made you think about last halloween, where you ended up leaving Claude’s with Nolan, only to wake up the next morning with a trail of marks down your neck and a mess of makeup you had forgotten to take off before falling asleep.

You shook the thought out of your head, deciding that it wasn’t worth it. You were thankful that Joel stayed close to you all night, eliminating the possibility of you ever being locked in a room with just Nolan and/or Mackayla. He didn’t stop you from tossing back one too many white claws and kept guard in front of the door when you used the bathroom.

He didn’t stop you from standing on a table beside Tk, elbows hooked together while you raced to down your can faster than him. He hip checked Karly when she tried to distract you to give her boyfriend the win, and he grabbed onto both of your thighs when you wobbled on the slightly unsteady surface.

Your hands fell to grab onto his shoulders in an attempt to steady yourself, thankful for the way he had no intention to let you fall. He smiled up at you with a smile that said he knew you were just past the point of being able to keep your balance. You’d lost count of how many white claws you’d been handed throughout the night, but the close eye he kept on you told him how much more you’d be able to handle before the night was over.

Joel wrapped his arms around your legs and lifted you off of the tabletop, only loosening them enough for you to slide down to stand on your feet. When your feet hit the floor, you were painfully aware of how close you were to Joel, feeling his breath fan over your face and struggling to keep your eyes locked on his.

In all the time you’ve known Joel, you’ve never felt the fuzzy feeling that was currently residing in your chest. You’d never thought about your relationship all that much. The two of you spent time together because it felt natural, it was easy to fall into a routine with him without even realizing it. In another world, you’d let Joel break down your walls. You’d probably help him, hammering them down all on your own if it meant that he looked at you like that for the rest of your life.

But this wasn’t a perfect world, and you couldn’t do that. No matter how much you tried to soak in the way that Joel was looking at you, the way he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes off of you or pry his hands off of your sides, you were reminded of the fact that he wasn’t Nolan.

You cleared your throat, eyebrows furrowing for just a second before you started tripping over your words. “I, uh-”

“Beezer!” Joel’s hands fell back to his side, eyes snapping up to follow the sound of his name only to find Morgan and Phil beckoning him over in their direction.

“I should uh-”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah, go. Don't fall off any tables.” he laughed gently and pressed a soft kiss to your temple before walking past you, leaving you with a burning feeling in both of your hips and now the spot of your temple that was still warm from his lips.

You quickly shook it off by the time that Karly popped up beside you with an unopened white claw, swinging it in front of your face and smiling brightly when you snatched it out of her hold. Unbeknownst to you but not flying under Karly’s radar, was the boy with bright blue eyes and shoulder length hair that had been watching you longer than he should have been.

Karly sent him a firm glare while your back was to him, silently testing him while also warning him. He rolled his eyes, unsure of when she had figured things out or what she had heard. He was sure you told a skewed version of the truth, surely roping Karly into believing Nolan was the spawn of satan. In all actuality, Karly didn’t think that. She thought that the things you told her about Nolan were great, and she knew you deserve someone like that. She did, however, know that you were also hurt by the things that Nolan had been doing and saying recently, and she’ll be damned if she lets him hurt you again.

So she kept an eye on Nolan all night, she made sure that he kept his distance from you while also trying to figure out what was going on between you and Joel. You leaned just a little further into him than you normally would and he seemed to always have a hold on you, whether it be his hands on your hips or an arm thrown over your shoulders.

The first time she could ask about it was when the two of you were dancing, not the only ones in the room but you were surely the only one that could hear her over the music. She wrapped her arms around your neck and brought her lips close to your ear to help drown out the sound to everyone else while also trying to eliminate the possibility of raising suspicion.

“So you and Beezer?” you smiled fondly, not even realizing that a toothy grin spread across your lips at the sound of Joel’s name.

“He’s just my best friend, K.” she rolled her eyes, unconvinced that’s all it was. She casted her eyes over your shoulder, catching the eyes of none other than the boy dressed as Hugh Hefner.

“I’d say the way he’s looking at you right now is not how I look at my friends. It is, however, the way I look at my boyfriend after being teased all night long.” you turned over your shoulder, catching Joel’s eyes with your own. He pushed a smile forward, one that eventually turned into a short laugh before he looked back at Morgan who was talking about something he had lost track of a while ago.

“We’re just friends.” Karly hummed, unconvinced but dropping the subject nonetheless.

If you weren’t thinking about it beforehand, now it would have been impossible to stop thinking about Joel. maybe it was the fact that you could still feel his hands on your hips, or the fact that almost every time you looked at him he was already looking at you. It felt impossible to stop thinking about him, to turn your mind off and stop thinking. It sucked, the dull ache finding its way back to your chest because no matter how much you were thinking of Joel, you couldn’t stop subconsciously looking for Nolan.

The way he didn’t have his arm slung around Mackayla’s shoulders like always brought a whisper of a smile to your face. She was talking to Jake about something that he looked amused over, whether it was the topic of their conversation or her hand gestures that amused him you weren’t sure of. He was hardly looking at her, opting to stare into his cup or up at Travis when he nudged him hard enough to grab his attention.

But then he looked up at you, holding eye contact with you for longer than either of you should have. His knuckles were white, his cheeks tinted red in a way that made you dizzy. You remembered a time when you’d smile at the sight of them, run your fingers over them and probably kiss them softly. Nolan would tell you to leave them alone, to ignore that they were even there but he didn’t mind when they made you smile like that.

It took you back to a time where you could cock your head to the side and ask him to meet you in the bathroom. There’d be rushed kisses and whispered affirmations, words that nobody outside of the two of you were ever going to hear but it didn’t matter because Nolan was the one saying it all to you.

But you couldn’t do that now. You couldn’t meet him upstairs or back at your apartment afterwards. He’d be going home with his girlfriend and you’d be going home alone. It was the harsh fact that you had been trying to accept for months at this point, but it didn’t hurt any less than it did the first time you saw Mackayla and realized that no matter how much you wanted to hate her, you couldn’t.

You took a deep breath and broke eye contact, opting to turn your focus to downing the rest of your drink before walking into the kitchen to grab another. You’d love to say that you were surprised when you heard the door open after you had shut it, but you weren’t. In fact, you’d be surprised if it hadn’t opened.

“Is there something going on with you and Beezer?” you fought back a laugh that sat in the back of your throat. Of course that’s what he cared about. Of course, even after all this time, he was still worried about what you were doing and who you were doing it with.

“Would there be a problem if there was?” you turned over your shoulder, not missing the way he had to peel his eyes off of your backside. Though, you couldn’t blame him for it. You look good in the black leotard and you were sure it wasn’t the first time tonight that he looked at you like that.

“So there is?” you rolled your eyes and turned back to your drink that was practically finished. You took a deep breath and exhaled through your nose, bringing the cup to your lips to take a large gulp of it before you turned back around and made a break for the exit.

“No, Nolan. There’s nothing going on between Joel and I but it’s not exactly your place to grill me if there was.” you went to give him a firm pat on the shoulder but he gripped your wrist lightly, turning you just enough so he could look at you properly.

“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?” the look of confusion mixed with hurt that took over your face filled him with regret. You had never done anything that should have given him the notion that you’d ever lie to him, but he felt the need to ask regardless. Now that he had, he had his answer and he wished he had just kept it to himself.

“Things would be a lot easier between us if I was able to lie to you.” despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, there wasn’t enough time for you to explain your words to him before you were walking past him and out of the kitchen.

The alcohol swimming through your system had your eyes burning before the door had even shut behind you and while Nolan didn’t follow you out right after, that didn’t stop Joel from grabbing your hand and tugging you away from the room.

“I was just about to go in. I saw him follow you in there, are you okay?” he could tell you were in a bit of a daze. It was evident in the way your eyes didn’t meet his right away, the way that your breathing was slightly irregular and the way that when you looked up at him, he could tell you were still out of it.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah i’m okay.” he nodded slowly despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely convinced and agreed to dance with you when one of your favorite songs came on.

It felt like the night was never ending at this point. You’re not sure what time it was or how many white claws you had downed, but that was obvious by the way you were stumbling around the Giroux house. Joel hardly trusted you to go to the bathroom by yourself with the way you were stumbling everywhere.

He was persistent in walking behind you up the stairs, holding out his hands to stop you from falling backwards. He wasn’t much more sober than you were, but he was clearly handling it a lot better than you were. You tried to ignore the sinking feeling in your chest when he said he was going to wait outside for you, but then he offered to sit on the edge of the tub and while it was far from the thing you should have done, you were certain that you would mess up somewhere if you did it all on your own.

One thing you had forgotten about was the outfit you were wearing, and the fact that you practically had to strip in order to use the bathroom. So, with a low groan and a drunken laugh, you told Joel he had to stand in the shower while you peed, curtain closed and all. He did though, stand in the shower and stare at the tiled walls while he asked you if you were having a good night, all things considered.

When he heard the sink turn on and your voice telling him he could come back out, the shower curtain slid to the side and he stepped back out, a smile gracing his lips when he locked eyes with you in the mirror. He bumped your hip with his gently and gasped when you splashed water at him from the faucet, splashing you back without any hesitation.

“Oh that was a grave mistake, Farabee.” his eyebrows shot up, a silent questioning sitting on the tip of his tongue before he repeated his actions.

Somewhere along teasing comments and a few more splashes, the laughter dulled down and the faucet was turned off. Joel’s eyes were trained on you though, the alcohol in his system lowering his subtlety in the way he raked your body up and down. It wasn’t subtle and it sent a chill down your spine, the fact that he was openly checking you out unapologetically.

He leaned closer, or maybe you leaned closer, it was unclear who made which move first and who was just simply following suit but within mere seconds, your lips were pressed against Joel’s. His hands found the back of your thighs with ease and lifted you up onto the countertop, giving him the ability to press his lips further into yours.

You got caught up in the heat of the moment. The way his lips felt against yours felt so familiar, like you had kissed him in another life. It felt easy and natural, and right. It was unlike anything you’d ever experienced, even holding his head in yours while you kissed him back just as feverishly.

You were in a daze until he pulled his lips back from yours and pressed them against the skin of your neck, making a path of his own on the way down to the spot of your neck that met your shoulder. Maybe it was the fact that he settled in an all too familiar spot of your neck, or the way that his hands couldn’t seem to hold enough of you, but you ripped out of the moment. Everything around you started coming back, reminding you of what you were doing in the bathroom of a Halloween party where all of your friends were just downstairs.

“Joel.” you whispered softly, trying to get a firm grip on reality rather than allowing yourself to get lost in the boy that was still nipping and sucking at your skin.

“Yeah baby?” the rasp in his voice sent a shockwave through your body, making your head fall back ever so slightly at the same time a low whine passed your lips.

“We can’t do this.”

“Why’s that?” he switched sides, grabbing the underside of your jaw and turning your head enough to give him access to the other side of your neck.

“Because we can’t Joel. you’re my best friend-”

“Oh bullshit.” he pulled back then, pupils blown out and lips slightly swollen. Red tinted his cheeks and the soft pants rolling past his lips mimicked the way his mind was racing. “Haven’t you heard anyone say that falling in love with your best friend is the best decision you can make?” your heart fell into your stomach, your shoulders slumping at the sound of his question.

Falling in love? You didn’t think Joel was anywhere near in love with you. You’d guess maybe a crush or some surface level feelings but full blown love? There was something holding you back, not allowing you to get to that point with anyone after what you’d been through. You couldn’t just forget about all of it as if it hadn’t happened, as if it didn’t still affect you.

“Say something.” the desperation in his voice killed you, somehow breaking your heart even further. The way his lust clouded vision turned to one of pleading tugged at your heartstrings in a way that had you speaking before you could even think about it.

“I still love him, Bee.” Joel’s head fell then, his hands moving to grip the edge of the counter on either side of you as he tried to catch his breath. “Joel-”

“Don’t bother. I get it. It’s always going to be Patty, right?” he looked up at you, hoping that you’d rush to tell him that’s not what you meant, but that never came.

Instead you bit your lower lip, chewing the anxiety away as you tried to find the words to describe the situation. By the time you could think of anything worth saying, Joel was already turning the knob and slamming the door shut behind him. The sound made you jump just before you leaned back against the mirror, trying to rid yourself of the mess you just made for yourself.

Joel rushed down the stairs in search of something to drink, anything that would save him from his mind. He couldn’t stop replaying it over in his head, the way your hands felt on the sides of his face or locked in his hair. The way your lips felt against his or the way you reacted to his touch. He couldn’t get the sight of your blown out pupils and swollen lips, two things he had caused, out of his head. He couldn’t get you out of his head.

When he found Phil and Morgan passing a flask back and forth, he held his out for it and downed about half of it before Phil tried to swat it away from his lips, noticing something severely wrong with Joel. None of them noticed you jog down the stairs and bolt out back, in search of fresh air and a space where there weren’t many people around.

“You alright Beezer?” Phil asked just before tipping the flask enough to take a swig from it.

“Other than the fact that I may have just fucked everything up, I’m fine.” Morgan realized what he meant first, given that he’d heard Joel talk about you more often than anyone else on the team. Morgan was the one he went to when he couldn’t go to you, this being one of their main conversation topics.

“What did you do?” Joel’s eyes lingered on Morgan for a bit and when he pushed out a heavy sigh to procrastinate the words he was about to say, he only allowed the time for Nolan to walk past him just in time to hear everything he was going to say.

“I think I almost slept with y/n.” Nolan came to a screeching halt behind him, eyes snapping to meet Phil’s who was completely clueless to the tension currently building up.

“You what?” Joel’s neck practically snapped with how quickly he turned over his shoulder, coming face to face with the broody boy who was seething right in front of him.

“Nothing. I uh, that came out wrong.” Nolan didn’t believe him though. With the way Joel was stumbling over his words and avoiding eye contact, Nolan knew there was something worth digging into.

Nolan walked away from the three of them, eyes scanning the room, no doubt in search of you. His fists were clenched and his focus was completely thrown off. He had forgotten about everything else going on around him, everyone else that stood inside of the house.

He saw you through the sliding glass door, a smile sitting on your face that he knew held no weight to it. He knew that whatever Jake was telling you was probably funny, but he knew there were other things on your mind. Both because he knew you well enough to know when something was on your mind but also because he had just heard Joel say that there was something for you to be thinking about.

He yanked the back door open, not caring for a single second if it slammed open or shut, or if it even shut at all behind him. He didn’t care if he was attracting attention to himself or if he was about to accidentally air out a bunch of dirty laundry for not only himself, but you and Joel as well.

“So you’re a liar now?” your head turned at the loud voice calling out to you from the opposite side of the yard, worry and fear intertwining in the back of your mind.

“What are you talking about?” Jake and Claude had forgotten what their conversation was even about by the time Nolan was halfway across the yard, anger clearly written into his expression.

“You fucked Beezer?” your eyes blew wide open, along with the two men at your side that were rudely interrupted by a false accusation.

“No! What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about whatever happened between you and Beezer that you told me was surely not happening.” you rolled your eyes now, more annoyed with the fact that he was digging this deep into something he had no business knowing about rather than the fact that he was yelling at you in front of your families.

“Why do you even care, Nolan?”

“He’s my teammate! How am i supposed to play on a line with him when i know he’s-”

“He’s what?” you stood up now, standing face to face with the boy who was clearly causing a scene. Even the people still standing inside were watching through the door that still hadn’t shut from Nolan’s dramatic exit/entrance.

“He’s touched you!”

“It was just a kiss for fuck’s sake!” Joel wouldn’t admit that his heart sank at the comment. What was ‘just a kiss’ to you was much more to him. It was everything he’d wanted to for as long as he could remember, but he’d keep that to himself too.

“It’s the principle!” his words irritated you. He was irritating you. You’re not sure how it was his business to know, let alone who gave him the right to be mad about it.

“You’re not my boyfriend, Nolan!” he clenched his fists at the fact. He knew that, he was painfully aware of that. All it did was remind him that the girl he wanted more than anything wouldn’t meet him halfway.

“Well that doesn’t mean he can be!”

“And why the hell not?”

“Because i’m still in love with you!” it was bad timing, truly. In theory, someone probably should have stopped her from stepping outside while the two of you were fighting, but nobody did. Nobody stopped Mackayla from hearing everything that Nolan said, everything that he had denied to her for as long as they’d been together, and they didn’t stop her from walking out into the backyard just as her boyfriend was confessing his love for another girl.

You deflated at the sight of her, shoulders slumping when you realized that you were responsible for two people’s heart breaks tonight. Three if you counted Nolan, but you didn’t. He’d been like this for a long time it seemed and while you wanted to fix that, one thing Nolan was right about was the fact that there was too much damage between the two of you to backtrack now.

“You’re in love with her?” Nolan’s eyes fluttered shut at the sound of her voice, mind racing over all the ways he messed up in the past that led to this moment. His girlfriend of x amount of months was now standing behind him, her heart in her stomach and her cheeks wet as she witnessed her boyfriend confess that he was in love with the girl she’d been worried about for the entirety of their relationship.

“Mack.” he whispered gently, turning around to face the girl who had already given up on him. There was no way he could fix this. He had told her too many times to count that nothing had ever happened between you and him. He promised her that you weren’t somebody she needed to worry about, but he told everyone that it seemed. “Mack I didn’t mean to-”

She turned and ran back into the house before Nolan could even finish his thought. While he wanted to turn around and drill into you for fucking up another thing for him, he knew it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything you weren’t allowed to do and he made a mess for himself. He didn’t walk into a mess you built, didn’t try to fix someone who didn’t need fixing, but he did break two girls who deserved the world.

“Good job.” you mumbled to yourself, bumping his arm with your shoulder when you walked past him and tried to follow Mackayla when he made no effort to.

“Y/n-” you spun at the sound of your name, angry tears building up in your eyes at the look on his face, a look that made you feel guilty for something you were more than allowed to do.

“No! You don’t get to berate me. You don’t get to belittle me or tell me that I made a mistake. I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want to. You left me, remember? You left me and you told me that I needed to let you be happy. I tried, Nolan. I tried so hard to let you be happy and now you’re screaming at me in front of everybody because of what? Because I might be starting to be happy without you? You don’t get to be angry at me for finding a way to fix myself. Just leave me alone.” by the time you passed by everyone who was looking at the floor rather than up at you, you knew that you should leave anyways.

With your phone in one hand and your shoes in the other, you ran outside and sighed at the relief you felt when you found Mackayla sitting on the curb.

“Mackayla!” you ran down the driveway towards her, wincing at the sight of her glaring harshly at you. “Mackayla I’m so sorry.”

She wiped her cheeks and nose and let out a heavy sigh. In reality, she couldn’t be mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong in her mind and you surely weren’t the one that lied to her. Sure, it wasn’t her first choice to hang out with the girl that inherently stole her boyfriend from her, but she also figured that she had stolen your boyfriend in a way so she guessed that made the two of you even.

“He sucks.” you laughed gently and sat beside her, opening your phone while you plopped down on the curb beside her.

“He does.” you paused for a moment before smiling over at her. “You’re staying with him, aren’t you?” she nodded slowly, realizing that she didn’t have anywhere to go or any of her things. “Well I'm about to order an uber if you want to crash at my place for the night. I’ll answer any questions you want and I’ll help you get your shit from his place in the morning.”

She hesitated, clearly not ready to accept your offer with a wide smile and an open mind. She hardly knew you, and she wasn’t ready to forget about all of the things she was beginning to realize about you and Nolan’s relationship.

But she agreed, because she truly had nowhere else to go. She sat at your dining room table with you in a pair of your sweatpants and a shirt you had promised her was not Nolan’s. She drank your coffee out of one of your mugs and asked you every question that had plagued her over the course of her relationship with Nolan. Not all of them were about you, not even all of them were about Nolan, but you answered them all regardless.

You helped her get her things in the morning from Nolan’s and drove her to the airport when she was able to rebook her flight back home. You apologized ten more times and she waved off every one of them by telling you that you didn’t do anything wrong other than be the love of Nolan’s life, which wasn’t your fault entirely.

Karly was there to help pick up the pieces the best that she could, though it was hard with her not always being in Philly. She tried to fill the space in your life that Joel left when he stopped coming around for movie nights and take out dinners. You fully stopped going to Flyers games, finding no use in showing up to them anymore.

Every call you made was sent to voicemail, every text left unread. You were being shut out, and you couldn’t do anything about it. Travis tried to assure you it wasn’t your fault, you just didn’t notice your best friend falling in love with you because you were trying to fall out of love with his teammate. He told you to just give Joel time, but you were stuck believing that ‘time’ may never have an ending.

So you threw yourself into your work. You submitted projects before their due dates and received positive feedback on just about every portion of them. It was a healthy coping mechanism, a way to shift your focus onto something productive. You did such a good job, in fact, that your boss called you into his office after a few months.

It was nerve wracking, to be called into your boss’s office with no clues as to why. It was even more nerve wracking after you had left and your hands were slightly shaking. The weight put onto your shoulders was unlike any you’d ever experienced, plagues with a decision to make all on your own. It wasn’t a decision you wanted, not one you had even been close to looking for, but it’s one that you got.

It’s one that lingered in the back of your mind for weeks afterwards, still never reaching a decision. The flexible timeline gave you all the time in the world to decide, and your boss wasn’t pushing you in either direction, though you slightly wished he would have.

But then you told Karly about said decision, and the way you watched her face fall told you that she knew what your decision would be. In all actuality, you knew what your decision was. If you were going to say no, you would have by now. You would have denied the offer and stuck with your current life, boring or not.

You were practically tackled the second you stepped foot in Travis’s apartment, his arms thrown around you as he leaned into you just enough to throw off your balance. Phil followed close behind, wrapping you up in his arms and telling you that you weren’t allowed to disappear for that long ever again. Karly’s sideways glance in your direction went unseen to everyone but you, mostly because you silently told her to drop it, given that now was not the time to be talking about this.

But then you felt your heart sink further into your chest with every passing second. It was nice to be around all the people that made Philly feel like home to you, but it made your decision harder. Not because you had to choose which side you were on anymore, but because it made your choice that much harder to accept.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if Joel wasn’t going out of his way to ignore you. The way he ducked out of your way any time he got close to you, or the way he purposefully stood on the opposite side of the room when the only open seat was beside you. You noticed the way he steered clear of you and while you wanted to be upset that you didn’t have your best friend to make these things easier for you, you knew that Joel was doing this for his own good, not to hurt you.

So you found yourself on Travis’s balcony with Karly, your head leaning on her shoulder while you swung a bottle back and forth between your fingers. The sound of the door opening behind you made you turn over your shoulder, eyes locking with the same pair of blue eyes that you knew you’d have to face at some point.

“I’ll let you two talk.” Karly whispered gently before standing up and ducking back inside.

Nolan closed the door this time, making it a habit in everything he did nowadays. He sat beside you, his knee knocking into yours gently. He didn’t know what to say to you, didn’t know how to apologize for all of the things he had put you through. The two of you had something beautiful once, you’re not sure when it turned itself upside down but it didn’t matter anymore. Not when things were about to change so drastically. Maybe not for him, but definitely for you.

“I’m shocked your lap dog’s not out here.” you rolled your eyes, finding it ridiculous that you thought he would start this conversation on a positive note.

“Why don’t you sit there and i’ll sit here and we can keep to ourselves until one of us wants to go back inside.” he sighed, like he regretted starting off on the wrong foot.

“We can’t even try to be nice to each other?” you turned to him then, giving him a look he hadn’t seen in a long time. It reminded him of times where you’d let the stress from school and work pile up, when you looked at him with an exhaustion that he couldn’t help. It was how you looked right before you stress cried, right before you’d normally turn into his chest and unload everything you’d been holding on to for far too long.

“I’ve tried being nice to you. I’ve tried letting you live your life but the second I started doing that, you stopped letting me live mine. I think you only want me to be happy if you’re the one that’s making me happy and that’s fucked. I lost my best friend over it. I lost the love of my life. It feels like I'm losing everything and I'm starting to think this isn’t the place I need to be anymore.” the latter part of your rant slipped without you even realizing it.

“What are you saying?” you shook your head, chewing on the side of your cheek and deciding not to dive into. Nolan didn’t care, and he was not the person you needed to be talking to about these things.

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

“Y/n. You’ve never been good at opening up but you’re clearly struggling. I know I'm not your first choice right now but I'm the only one that’s here. There was a time when I was your go to person for this sort of thing. So just tell me, what are you talking about?” you stared at him, hesitation evident in the way you were chewing on your tongue.

He was right, though. At one point, he was the person you called when things went wrong. He was the one you unloaded things onto at the end of the day when he asked what was worrying you. You told him your problems, shared your demons with him. If there was anybody who knew how you got when things were ruining you from the inside out, it was Nolan.

“I got a promotion.” a small smile spread across his lips, excitement and pride filling his chest. He always supported your work ventures, and he knew that they were crazy to ever think that you wouldn’t be their top employee sooner or later.

“Y/n that’s great.” you shook your head slowly, heart deflating in your chest before you pushed out the vital information that he hadn’t been looking for.

“It’s in Vancouver.”

He didn’t know what to say. On one hand, he wanted to say no. no, you can’t go to Vancouver. No, you can’t leave Philly behind. No, they don’t need you up there, they need you down here. He wanted to grovel, to fall to his knees and to beg you to stay. Stay in an apartment that he knew like the back of his hand, stay in a city where he knows you’re never too far. He wanted to say that moving to Vancouver was crazy and you’d regret it before you even had time to settle in.

But he couldn’t do that, because the other half of him was louder and logical. You deserved the promotion, deserved the raise that came with it despite where the job was. Nolan knew that Philly held things that you wanted to forget about, reminded you of times in your life that were only painful to think about at this point. You didn’t want to be here anymore, that much Nolan could tell. If you didn’t want to be here, you shouldn’t have to be.

“I think that would be good for you.” it was hard for him to say, tasting just as vile as it was to think about you going to another city.

Would you go to Canucks games? Would he have to see you dressed in blue and green rather than orange and black? Would you start hanging out with the Canucks roster like you did with the Flyers or would you avoid hockey completely? Maybe you’d date one of their players or maybe you’d make sure that anybody even remotely affiliated with hockey stayed far away from you. He didn’t know what the future held for you, but he hoped it was filled with joy and relief from the things you’d endured in Philly.

It hurt you to hear him say it just as much as it hurt him to say it. You could see that there were more thoughts swimming through his mind, that he wasn’t telling you everything he was thinking. Part of you wanted him to beg you to stay, to say that he was single now and everyone knew about the two of you anyway. You wanted him to say that maybe one more shot would finally do the trick, but you knew he wouldn’t and you knew that jumping back into anything with Nolan was far from a good idea.

Then there was Joel. Joel who had feelings for you that you never got the chance to hear about. There was a place for you and Joel, you knew that, but you thought it was unattainable. To be with Joel after everything between you and Nolan, it’d be a catastrophe. There wasn’t a possibility of you going back to being best friends, not when he had feelings for you that weren’t unrequited. You could pour your heart out to Joel, could tell him that you could see yourself falling in love with him if he was willing to be patient with you. But you couldn’t do that either. Not when you had finally come to the conclusion that you needed to move to Vancouver in order to put yourself back together.

That didn’t stop you from looking over your shoulder though, gazing at the boy who was impossible to rid your mind of. His smile made your heart clench, the way his head tilted back and his eyes screwed shut behind his glasses. He was beautiful in every sense of the word and while you loved the sound of a world where the two of you fell in love with zero complications, you knew that you were holding onto false hope.

“You should tell him. I don’t doubt he’ll show up on your doorstep in Vancouver if you don’t.” you laughed gently and turned back to face Nolan, hardly aware of when you had turned away from him. He wore a gentle smile, one that told you that even if you took this step, he would still be here for you. Maybe not in the ways that you previously needed him to be, but there was always room for building a new foundation.

“I will in a bit.” you whispered gently, sinking into your seat and lying your head on Nolan’s shoulder.

You’d miss this; he noisy bunch inside right behind you, the skyline you could see from Tk’s balcony. You’d miss the feeling of being close to Nolan, if only having your head on his shoulder while you sat in silence. You’d miss excitedly running into his apartment with new song recommendations, or him sending you a short playlist he made on the road for you. You’d miss waking up in the middle of the night to him tossing and turning until you brought him painkillers and a tall glass of water.

You’d miss Joel slamming his way into your apartment with a bright smile that meant he was having a dangerous thought. You’d miss the times you’d bring his back to the rink when he forgot it at home, or the way that he brought you lunch on days when you were too busy to send him a simple text that told him you were okay. You’d miss lying your head in his lap and looking up at him with nothing but love in your chest.

You’d miss going to Flyers games and watching your friends do the thing they loved most. You’d miss watching Joel score insane goals that you were always unsure of how he made them. You’d miss wearing Nolan’s Flyers paraphernalia and splitting snacks with Karly.

You’d miss it all, but you had to go. You had to go for you, because Philly isn't home anymore. It would always hold a special place in your heart, but so would all of the people in it. And you knew you needed to lead all of them behind as well.

Even the ones with bright blue eyes that would be burned into your memory for the rest of your life.

#nolan patrick #nolan patrick x reader #nolan x reader #nolpat #joel farabee #joel farabee x reader #joel x reader #beezer #philadelphia flyers #flyers #nhl #nhl fic #nhl imagine #nolan patrick imagine #joel farabee imagine #hockey fic #hockey imagine

[otakusheep15]

SFW Alphabet - Mammon

I really wanted to write one for Mammon, but I was stuck on a few letters until just now lol. 

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

At first, his tsundere-self won’t let him show much affection towards you. However, as your relationship develops, you begin finding random trinkets and things around your room and in your pockets. These all come from him, who just randomly buy you things he thinks you might enjoy. The second you show interest in anything, even slightly, it’s yours. Eventually, he’ll open up a bit more and start showing more verbal and physically affection, but gift giving is his main love language. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

You are constantly getting dragged into every single thing he does. He has a new scheme, you’ll be his partner-in-crime. Lucifer is planning on punishing him again, You’ll be right next to him getting punished as well. he’ll also bring you with him when he gambles or goes clubbing. You can either choose to keep him out of trouble, or encourage his wild behavior cause he’d listen to you regardless. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He is an absolute slut for cuddles. Will he get embarrassed at the close proximity? Yes. Will he act like a typical tsundere because of it? Yes. Will he still love it regardless, and make sure you know he loves it? Yes. His ideal position would be you two facing each other, wrapped up in each others embrace. He loves it when you pat his head cause it makes him feel appreciated and loved. He’ll also lay his head on your chest and just listen to your heartbeat. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

He knew he wanted to settle down with you pretty much the second he realized his feelings. While he isn’t very good at household chores, he’ll try his best just for you. After all, you’re his human, and he would never make you do all of the work yourself. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He’d be the type to dwell on it for a while and make sure it’s actually what he wants. Usually, he would sit down with them and try and talk about it. From there, it will either be perfectly civil and no one gets too hurt, or it ends in a giant fight including yelling, throwing things, and even physical violence at some points. It all depends on the person and what their relationship was like. 

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He wants to get married to you as soon as possible. As the Avatar of Greed, he wants you all to himself, and what better way to claim you than by marrying you. If you are a bit more hesitant to the idea, he’ll wait for as long as you want, but he hopes that you’ll want to at some point. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He is probably the most gentle out of all of the brothers. He’s your first man, and he promised to protect you from anything that could cause you harm. He knows that, as a demon, he could also be the one to cause you harm, even if accidentally. This is why he treats you like the most valuable treasure in all of the three worlds. Literally, it almost becomes a problem at some points because he will not let you do anything he deems remotely dangerous. If he could, he would just simply lock you up in his room forever to just keep you safe (not in a yandere way or anything, he just can’t bear the thought of you getting hurt cause he wasn’t there for you). 

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Hugs are one of his favorite forms of affection. He’s especially into the idea of hugging you in public since it lets others know who you belong to. His hugs are very possessive, but they feel really nice. If he’s had a particularly bad day, he’ll come into your room and just sit there and hug you for hours. Please give him soft, loving words and pet his head. It will make him feel so loved and happy in that moment. 

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

In all honesty, the first time he says it will probably by a total accident. It would just slip out in the middle of a conversation one day. Chances are, you two aren’t even dating when he first says it. He’d get all flustered and try to pretend like he didn’t say it, but you know he’s clearly lying. After flailing about for a while, he’d calm down and mutter something about how he hopes you feel the same way. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He could rival Levi for the title of Avatar of Envy. Maybe it’s a side-effect of his greed, but he will get super jealous the second anyone goes near you. WHen he’s jealous, it’s very obvious. Most of the time, he’ll just come up behind you and hug you/kiss you just to show that you’re his. And, depending on the person, he might just drag you away from them entirely. Afterwards, he’ll be super pouty and demands you give him attention to make up for it. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are usually very excited and passionate. Basically, he wants to show you how much he loves you through his kisses since he has a hard time actually saying what he feels. His favorite place to kiss you is on your cheek. He just thinks it’s cute. He likes being kissed on his forehead or on the top of his head. It just gives him some comfort. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He’ll claim that he hates children, but everyone knows that’s a lie. In reality, he really likes kids. He thinks they’re cute. However, kids don’t like him all that much, which is why he’s so bad with them. They never listen to him, and he does not know how to control them. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

You’ll usually be waking up first, and you’ll also be waking him up. He is a child who will beg for five more minutes, but don’t give in cause then he’ll never get up. Most likely, you’ll have to drag him out of bed and offer some kind of reward for him. On the days you two can sleep in, he’ll try and keep you there for as long as possible. You two have nothing to do? He’ll somehow convince you to just stay in bed with him all morning. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Nights are a bit of a wildcard for him. Sometimes he’ll be out late gambling or getting punished by Lucifer, and you’ll obviously be there with him. On nights when he’s not doing anything, you two will be in his room or yours just laying in bed. Maybe you’ll watch a movie, maybe you’ll just sit and talk, who knows? It usually ends with him falling asleep first and you following shortly after. 

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He’s accidentally open pretty early on. He doesn’t mean to open up as quickly or easily as he does, but he can’t help it. Being with you just makes it so easy for him to relax, and then he’s suddenly spilling his whole life story. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He has so much patience, especially with you. It does not matter what you’re doing, he will sit there and wait forever. The only time he isn’t patient is when money is involved or someone is threatening you. In these cases, he snaps quicker than even Lucifer or Satan. 

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He pretends to remember nothing, but he actually has a great memory. He’ll remember literally every detail you tell him. His tsundere attitude gets in the way of him actually saying how much he cares, but his memory and attention to detail proves it just as well. It could be the smallest detail about this one time in your childhood, and he’d still remember the entire story as if he experienced it. 

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite moment was this one time where you two got in trouble with Lucifer again. You two had managed to run away from him, but y’all knew you needed to hide and quick. Eventually, you found a small closet in the house that could just barely fit the both of you. Lucifer passes on and it’s safe for now. For some reason that neither of you remembers, you two just start laughing. At first it’s small giggles, but soon it’s full on cackling. The situation was just so funny in that moment. He remembers seeing the look of pure joy and excitement on your face, and he knew from that moment on that he wanted to be with you forever. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He is the most protective guard dog you will ever have. He’ll play it off as just having been given the assignment by Lucifer, but we all know he just loves you. The second someone comes near you, he will attack them. He’s probably also bitten someone at least once. There are some points where not even his brothers can get near you. 

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Boy tries so hard but they always end up in disaster. He really wants to impress you and show you how much he cares, but nothing ever works for him. In the end, you two just end up doing something simple like going out to dinner or watching a movie. It’s not what he intended, but it makes you happy, so he’s cool with it. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He steals from you. A lot. Once you start dating, he claims all of your stuff as his. You’ll often find things missing from your room, mostly things like clothes or trinkets. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s a model, so obviously he puts a lot of effort into how he looks. Trust me, he is nowhere near as bad as Asmo, but it’s still more than normal. He wants to look good cause he believes that’s how he gets people to like him. Really, he’s just insecure that people won’t like him if he doesn’t look good. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Oh most definitely. You made the most impact on him. If you were to leave him, he would absolutely fall apart. Like, no one would ever hear from him again if something took you away from him. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

I headcanon that he actually kinda tolerates his brother’s tormenting because that’s the only attention they really give him. He seems very starved for attention, and before you, he only really had his brothers. But they usually ignore him for the most part. So, he purposely gets on their nerves so that they’ll pay him some attention. Sure, it mostly consists of them yelling at him and calling him a scummy excuse of a brother, but it’s better than nothing. Then you came along and gave him some good, loving attention, and that’s when he realized he deserved so much more than what he took from his brothers. 

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He would not like someone who acts like his brothers. By that, I mean he wants someone who won’t bully him in the same way his brothers do. He wants a safe place, and he wants someone who can provide that for him, not someone who’ll just make him feel worse. 

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He snores. And moves a lot. You have fallen out of bed many times when sleeping together. He also steals all of the covers. He’ll apologize the next morning, but then do it again that night. 

#OBEY ME #shall we date obey me #shall we date mammon #headcanon #sfw alphabet

[dream-a-little-bigger-darling000]

Author's Note: Hi that isn't my GIF. But this is my fic and I would really appreciate it if you told me how you thought it was, and if you especially like it, my requests are open friends. :3 I have the spicy sad right now, and needed a little angst with a happy ending. Ok, be fed I guess.

This has 3,000+ words, are you proud of me or what!?

From the prompt: As teenagers, a boy and a girl agree to marry if neither have by their 35th birthday. Follow the boy as he attempts to sabotage every relationship the girl has until then.

"Hey Tommy? I was thinking."

"That's a shit idea, you should stop doing that"

You swiped at the back of his head.

"Shut up you ass, I'm serious."

"Hi serious I'm- OW fucking hurt is what I am it's a joke, learn to take a-AH." You hurdled a handful of playground pebbles at the 17 year old.

"Alright, alright gorgeous, hit me- No! I meant hit me with the question you little shit." It was getting hard to breathe when he got you to giggle so hard.

You're laughter died down. You looked down, unsure if you could look at his face when you said this.

"I don't have a boyfriend." He abruptly stopped laughing, hiding the obvious fact that he almost choked on his own spit. You breathed a laugh again.

"I don't have a boyfriend. And you don't have a girlfriend." Your smile slipped off.

Tell him. Tell him, you're almost there. I don't have anyone, and you don't either except we do we have each we have each other we have-

You looked to Tommy, his boyish presence fitting on the swing set made for much younger kids. You were much younger kids when you met for the first time, on this very swing set. You think about telling him you fell in love with him when he pushed Jackson Paloski down on the asphalt because Jackson said trailer-trash can't play on the nice swing set. You didn't know it was love though, you were in the fourth grade but your heart still beat a little faster and when you asked him if you could sit beside him during lunch he huffed and complained, showing off he was moody and tough and haughty, but he very obviously made Michael Welsh move from his spot beside Tommy so that the pretty new girl could take her place beside him. And you stayed there. For years. Right beside him.

You felt the breath leave your lungs as you thought about telling him you can't stop thinking about him lately.

Can't stop hoping your skin will touch when he asks you to pass him something.

Can't help feeling like punching every girl that makes a scene trying to gain his attention. You're usually so focused on glaring at the girl that you miss the way he shrinks in on himself, the way he actively turns his body to you.

You think about telling him. And how telling him could mean you could do more, be more.

You think about telling him. And you think about him pulling away from you, gently gathering his things as he stumbles over how to let you down easily, unaware that that's not an option any more. Tommy letting you down would mean shattering.

You clench your jaw. His eyes try to tell you something.

"So. So since. We don't have someone." You look toward the Shell gas station across the street. Tommy wets his lips with a quick swipe of his tongue.

Your throat twinges, the twinge you get when you're trying to hold back tears. You shrug to yourself and let out a breathy laugh.

Coward.

"So since we don't have hot dates, we should make a deal." You make your voice upbeat. You know Tommy can call your bullshit but he doesn't, sit's quietly.

"If by the time we're 35, and we don't have a, someone, to, ya' know. We should get married." Your heart clenches. "If we don't have. Like if I don't have a husband, and you don't. Have a girl, or-" Tommy is quiet. White hot panic races up your spine. You look over at him.

Tommy looks-

He looks like he's frozen, like he's still a few sentences behind, and you're about to throw in the towel and swallow a few of these pebbles so you'll choke and die and won't have to hear his laughter tear apart your heart.

Then Tommy blinks and kind of hunkers in on himself, looks anywhere but you, eyes shifting and darting. His smile isn't his when he manages it.

"Oh, you're so on, sweetheart."

It's not quite right. The atmosphere is still tense and you feel like there's a conversation you're meant to be having, like there were supposed to be different words spoken and heard during that time.

But having Tommy, even if it's like this, even if he doesn't want you like you ache for him, is better than not having him at all.

Beside you, while you hurt quietly beside him, watching the sun set, rocking back and forth on the too low swing, Tommy swallows down self-hatred and overwhelming feelings. Instead, he schemes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been five years since you've made your little deal with Tommy. Five years, and every single time you've tried to move on from the man, it's ended in catastrophe.

The time you two had just graduated high school and drove to Tommy's house so his older brother could congratulate you two. Brendan had had a buddy over that night, not much older than you, and you would be lying if you said you didn't flush appreciatingly at his sly smile toward you and the way he actively tried to add you in on the conversation.

The night ended rather abruptly when Tommy had spilled hot tea all over the guys front. Tommy was always collected, and it was rare moment when he was clumsy. Never mind the fact that Tommy never drank tea, and actively made fun of you drinking the stuff.

Or the time you two reluctantly went to Brendan's wedding. You loved Tess, and thought they were a great couple, but stomaching an entire ceremony of the two being gross and affectionate, all while you and Tommy couldn't boo and throw miscellaneous items at them? The entire evening was spent with Tommy snuggly against your side snarking quietly in your ear, so close you could feel his warm breath on the entire side of your face.

Yes, your plan of moving on was going swimmingly.

Then Tommy went to the bathroom, and a handsome man smiled at you across the room. You tentatively smiled back, and he moved as if to cross the distance. Then immediately stopped, his face dropping and his eyes widening slightly as he spotted something a little over your shoulder. You saw him clear his throat and veer toward a large group laughing.

Your felt your face slightly warm and your heart drop a little, self consciously looking over your shoulder.

And let out a noise of surprise.

Tommy stood behind you, so close for a second you thought a very well dressed wall had somehow appeared while you weren't looking. You had just enough time to see 'The Expression'.

Tommy was an amazing fighter. And all throughout high school, he made sure while he minded his own, he could also hold his own, and everyone knew it. He had developed an expression, one that scared every single boy in this town shitless. It was a mix between unbridled rage and open invitation. The message was pretty clear and universal.

Come get some.

You usually laughed and teased him about it, because to you it just looked like he stubbed his toe and he was trying not to yell.

You weren't expecting to see it at his brother's wedding, and you certainly weren't laughing now.

In a blink it was gone from his face, and he turned to you with his beautiful sweet smile, the smile that showed just a little peak of his slightly messed up front teeth. He usually reserved that smile for you. You had never seen anyone else on the receiving end.

"Tommy, why were you just-"

"This blows, I just passed Tess and Brendan flirting. They're already married, why would they keep doing that." He rolled his eyes, moving to your side as his hand disappeared behind your back.

"Tommy did you just square up to the guy checking me ou-"

"Brendan's friend is here, the one who can can do a Kick Up."

You stared at each other for a long moment. You felt his hand barely ghosting over the small of your back. His eyes where sharp, a little desperate.

"Tommy."

"There's also a rumor he killed a guy with just a playing card."

You licked your lips. He raised his eyebrows, his lips getting distracting.

"Shit Conlon, why didn't you start with that, take me to him."

Or the time, more recently, when you went to a match to watch Tommy completely destroy his opponent. You loved going out to see him fight. Loved the adrenaline and the satisfaction when Tommy won, making him less timid, a little more rowdy and confident, a little more touchy and feely.

You've kind of given up on the whole moving on thing, even if it was driving you up a wall.

Tommy had just won, and you were eagerly waiting to congratulate him, excited to hug him freely, without him wondering why you were hugging him to begin with. And maybe to hold on a little tighter. Maybe to allow your hands to rove a little more freely.

Hey, was it not a night for celebration?

A man started to chat you up. You smiled patiently and gave some noncommittal grunts and affirmations as you continued to scan the crowd, looking for the familiar mass of Tommy, all hard edges and bulk. You were bouncing on the balls of your feet.

The guy moved closer, making a joke you didn't really hear. You laughed, your eyes darting and searching.

"You look beautiful by the way. I saw you watching the fight, crazy that you're into this stuff. Not a lot of women I know cheer like that."

You finally glance over to the man, but quickly get back to standing on your tip toes, looking above heads.

He doesn't even look that bad, and it's obvious he wants to get your number. He's just not the man you want chat with, and definitely not tonight. Not on a night that Tommy just won, and a night he'll want to come over to yours, joking and teasing, touching you much more confidently than he normally would. Falling asleep much more easier with his head on your lap.

You tamp down a smile. You wouldn't want this guy to get the wrong idea.

"You know, there's a really good Thai place down the road- Ah, fuck, watch it buddy. Can you not look where you're go-" You hear the man choke off the sentence, trying not to smile as you imagine the other guy. probably a lot bigger than he is. Wouldn't want to completely ruin his night by laughing at the guy.

"Fuuck me, buddy, sorry. I did not know who I was talking to." You could hear the man swallow. "Hey, I think you did great in the ring tonight, real good job of... Knocking that guy out. With one punch."

You whirled around, smiling so wide you felt the strain on your cheeks. There was only one guy who did that tonight.

Sure enough, Tommy was standing there. He had put on a shirt and took his gloves off, but he was still sweaty and breathing hard. He completely stanced up, like he is in the ring, and his expression was-

Well, you chalked it up to the testosterone flowing freely through the place. Probably just mad that he ran into another dude.

It still didn't stop you from running and jumping directly on him, arms coming up to wrap around his neck, legs completely circling his torso. You giggled into his neck, exclaiming how proud you were of him, how good he looked out there, completely stroking his ego, but not caring at the moment.

You felt his arms immediately span your back, feeling like his hands where trying to be everywhere at once. That was new. That was new and you couldn't say you hated it.

What you didn't see was the look on Tommy's face. The cold calm of someone who just threw a punch so hard at a man who was bigger and faster than him and shut his shit down. Directed at another man, much slower and smaller in comparison.

You didn't see the stranger's face pale, but you distantly heard the sound of chairs clatter to the ground as he turned tail.

Five years of pining (not so) quietly for Tommy, the man you had fallen in love with, but without a doubt did not love you back.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tommy knew without a doubt that he loved you.

All those years back in fourth grade, when he let it slip that his favorite snack was those crackers with the cheese filling, and you showed up with a whole pack of them to share, smiling this big goofy grin with your beautiful eyes and warm presence.

God how could he not.

The problem was how he was supposed to convince you to like him back. Him, Tommy, who fought most of his way through high school, who didn't like to get too close to people, who didn't like eye contact or conversation that ran too long or too forced. Who loved you though.

And who was very annoyed at the boy flirting with his girl.

It never failed to make Tommy's blood boil. He knew he had no right, because for one, he spent five years doing his damned best to break up every chance at you leaving him.

Just until you guys turn 35, right Tommy boy? You can probably keep that up.

Tommy breathed in a shuttering breath.

He just wanted to buy you your favorite drink at your favorite café. That's all he wanted to do. And maybe find and excuse to hold your hand without burning up from the embarrassment of actually having feelings (can you imagine?).

But of course, some dick-head always noticed how beautiful or kind or warm you were, and had to take their shot.

Well, Tommy was fucking sick of it.

Tommy thought of all the times, and there were a lot of times, when he had to step in and derail the situation. He knew this would be the last time. He had to do this, get rid of the unrelenting ache he felt while going to sleep, looking at you, thinking about you.

Tommy moved toward the you and the man you were talking to like he was entering the ring. With the mindset that he could get totally and irreversibly hurt, but he was gonna fight to the bloody end beforehand.

"Do you need directions?" Tommy asked as he slid up behind you, closer than he would have ever before. He felt your confusion even if he couldn't see your face.

"What?" The man was just as quizzical.

"Oh, I was just asking if you needed directions or if you could get lost on your own." Tommy raised his eyebrows, setting his hand on your hip, trying not to think about the many, many questions you'd have about that.

The man thought about arguing, but then he really looked at Tommy. Looked at you, then back to Tommy. Decided he didn't want to bleed tonight, and huffed out an angry sound.

You at least waited until he was out of ear shot before whirling on him.

"What. What was that?"

"Ok, I know what your probably thinking-"

"That you're out of your mind Tommy?! Are you kidding me right now? 'Get lost?' Get outta here with that shit, what was that?"

The two of you were pretty far back in the shop, but he still lowered his voice to make sure no one was bothered.

"Ok, yes, you're mad, I can see that-"

"Oooooh well I'm glad you can see that Tommy." You felt your face start to turn red, feeling exhausted and confused. "Explain. Explain to me Tommy, that every time a guy wants to have a nice, civil, God forbid, flirtatious conversation with me, he high tails it out of there just as fast, Tommy, explain."

Tommy felt an expanding ache somewhere behind his left eye.

"Ok. Ok I'm gonna say something stupid-"

"You always say something stupid, stupid-"

"Can you just. Can you let me finish." Tommy felt exasperated and a little insane. He was about to confess in a coffee shop to the girl he loved and things would never be the same again because she was about to leave, but fuck it if he wasn't at a boiling point.

"Ok. You know how we made a deal?" You looked at him, raising your eyebrows.

"About who could spray the most whipped cream in their mouth? Yeah it's me, it'll always be me. So you got so mad you're trying to, what, make sure I die alone, I don't..."

"What? No can you not, can you focus right now?" Tommy's palms were starting to sweat and he clenched his eyes shut tight. He breathed in and let it back out in one harsh huff. "When we were seventeen-"

"Seventeen?"

"When we were seventeen you said that if we weren't married by the time we were 35, that we should marry each other." He watched as your eyes widened and your face warmed a little. "Well, the deals off. I'm not doing it any more."

Tommy wasn't sure what to expect, but the flash of utter pain that tore across your face was not it. You stepped back, looked like you were about to bolt, your eyes wild. You tried to pull yourself together but it was really hard to breathe. No matter how many times you tried to prepare yourself for this day, you could have never imagined how it actually almost brought you know to your knees.

"So. Here's the new deal. If in like, five minutes, you're still single, and I'm still single..." Tommy swallowed hard, licking his lips. "We should just." His eyes darted to your lips.

You froze. Tommy caught his lush lower lip in between his teeth. He'd never been more nervous his entire life. So nervous for the inevitable laugh, the pity laced rejection, because really, it was one thing to be friends with a shy awkward boxer, but another to look at him and think, 'yeah, that'll do.'

Tommy had approximately five seconds to wallow in self deprecation and pure terror before he had a handful of you, and something that suspiciously felt like lips on his lips. But that's funny, because he's almost positive that that's not the case.

Then he felt your tongue swipe his lip and decided he cared fuck all and proceeded to get lost in you, your breaths, God he could feel, taste, your breath as you both got consumed by each other.

Someone coughed disapprovingly your way. The two of you broke apart, panting slightly.

"Ok, ok please don't. I really don't want you to hit me but I'm really fucking dense, right, and I just have to ask, you did that because you. You like like me- OW I said I didn't want you to hit me!"

You felt yourself laughing, felt your never ending ache subside and your love sky rocket.

"Oh, you're an idiot," You pecked his lips, he tried to catch your mouth fully but failed. "You are such and idiot- Oh my God we're both idiots holy- Hey. Hey, you, you've been. Have you been sabotaging-"

"Did you hear that?" Tommy tilted his head and looked toward the ceiling. "Ope- oh yeah. No. yeah, that's for sure the sound of-" He cut off, dropping his serious expression, grinning as he leaned down and kissed your mouth again, this time taking your words and any objections, affectively cutting off any questions that would leave him looking stupid.

You two would need to sit down, to talk about how you've felt all these years, how you were both so stupid that you both refused to confess to each other.

But for now, you lost yourself in the taste of Tommy, and the heady feeling of someone you've loved for seemingly forever, loving you back.

Real Quick: Would you be mad if in the next fics I write I called this man Tomithy? Asking for a friend.

#tommy conlon #tommy riordan #tommy conlon x reader #tom hardy #tom hardy fanfic #tom hardy fanfiction #warrior #warrior fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #writing #angst with a happy ending #fluff #reader insert #tommy conlon imagine #fanfiction prompt

[tawaifeddiediaz]

The road to healing isn’t linear. At the beginning, it’s a lot of backwards, even when you try to move forward...and as you heal, each time, you manage to go forward further than you step backwards. That’s what the process is. You will always be held back to some part from the things you’re healing yourself of, because mental and emotional scars go nowhere. Just like Bobby said, it’s good to be grateful for what you have now, but it doesn’t mean you have to stop missing the things you lose.

That’s Ana’s role here. Eddie has literally just tentatively placed his foot back into the dating pool. He’s not going to go for any big fish (i.e. marriage/life-long commitment) instantly. I personally do not think that Eddie’s gonna jump straight to rings with the first person he meets because that’s not quite realistic, is it? It’s not even in character for him to jump like that. He’s healing, learning, maybe opening his heart up again. 

He was happy; nervous, but excited about it. We saw his moment of doubt mid-episode before the bell rang, but he worked past it and took a chance. If it works, cool, if it doesn’t, then also cool, at least he’ll know if he’s really ready, or he’ll learn that sometimes, things just don’t work out. Which he’s had a lot of already but y’know — lessons are lessons, sometimes.

Also, we have zero character development for Ana, outside of what she can do/contribute to Eddie and his storyline. You really think if it was gonna last, this would happen? We’ve seen this same thing with other women in the show (which is a whole other fish to fry) and I genuinely don’t think she’s gonna last.

None of that above has anything to do with Buck, but for the Buddie stans:

Buck...is one of those big fish I was talking about. Buck is so involved in Eddie’s life, including with his son, that it’s a huge risk for him to even experiment the dating pool with him (whether they can bounce back or not isn’t the point). Not to mention that Buck has his own stuff going on with his parents, which is referenced at the beginning of the episode. Whatever happens in 4x07 remains to be seen, but even then...neither of them are in a place where it would feasibly make sense to have a healthy relationship without putting everything on the line. And by everything, I mean everything.

Christopher is the most important thing in the world to Eddie, and he’s an extremely important part of Buck’s life too. Not to mention Eddie and Buck being partners and best friends. That’s already ties that bind them closer than anyone else on the team. There’s a lot to lose, even if objectively there is a lot to gain if they get together. They’re just not in a place where they can see that gain.

Also? Sometimes, the hardest thing is being able to see what’s been in front of you the whole time...and with Buck and Eddie, they’re always in front of each other, literally and figuratively. 

This is what a slow burn is. It’s about stoking each and every spark until it flares between the people involved without risk of it snuffing out. So be patient with it...I genuinely think we’re gonna get something great out of this, canon Buddie or not.

#zee rambles #this is me clinging to hope but also citing my sources #i was not an english major but im beginning to think i should've been #911 meta #meta post #4x06 meta #911 on fox #eddie diaz #ana flores #evan buckley #buddie #eddie x ana #buck x eddie #slow burn means things my dudes #911 4x06 #911 spoilers #also if i see any of you go after the actors its so on sight #s'not their fault!!!

[heli0s-writes]

It Is Knowing*

HI THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. It’s been a wonderful ride. Here’s the last part of Bag of Tricks. It’s tender and smutty and stupid. All mistakes are my own.

Please stop reading if you are not over 18!

Bag of Tricks Masterlist

He’s terrified.

Suddenly he’s looking at you one way, and then in a flash, the same dumb grin you always give him— the crooked one on the cusp of an ill joke— turns bright white.

It goes brilliant like star fire and during a storm inside a standard-issued cabin hideout, Bucky thinks he must be losing his mind.

And maybe he’s been losing it for a few weeks now, but he’s done a great job dodging the reality of your confession so far. Doesn’t matter what you mumbled—cracked out on exhaustion and sleep-talking—because in the end, you’re his friend and you love him the same way you love everyone else: annoyingly. Nothing’s changed about that.

He hazards another glimpse.

“Help?” You ask from the table, angrily scratching out blocks of an attempted crossword puzzle.

Do it in pencil, he tried to warn earlier, but you only called him chickenshit because you’re—yep—annoying.  

“Foudre,” Bucky says carefully and you perk up at the sound of his voice. “It’s a… six-letter French word for thunder.” He clears his throat, gesturing toward the window splattered with rain.

“Oh-ho-ho,” you snort, “Smart boy, aren’t ya? FOO-DRUH.” An incredible bastardization of the term, and you sing around a chewed-up pen cap between your teeth. “My name’s Smart-Boy-Bucky and I know French, Russian, and Updog.”

“What the hell is Updog?”

Your face steels.

“Nothing much, how ‘bout you?”

And instead of going over there to kick your ass, all he can do is stare wordlessly as you break into a laugh—his entire body electric like a live wire.

-

He keeps telling himself there are only a few days before someone drops in to collect. He just needs a little bit of distance, some time alone to clear his head and get over this—thing.

But his brain feels like it’s melting while he waits, his stomach is probably developing an ulcer, and his heart is so fast and fierce that he can almost see the pulse in his sternum throbbing errantly.

Too many things are wrong. You’re his friend— and Bucky wants to throttle himself a little bit for ever letting you be his friend. You’re an unfiltered, oblivious dumbass and he doesn’t like that at all. You cry over animals and when he gets hurt because you’re an insufferable drama queen, too. He hates that. He does.

The sound of something enormous slamming on the ground makes him dash into the shared bedroom and—oh god, Bucky thinks he’s going to throw up.

First, the mattresses are on the floor.

Second, you’re. wearing. that. stupid. shirt.

The blue one. The one he used to love, hated for a bit, came back around to wearing, and now—yep, he officially hates it again.

“I think you’re too tall for the bunk.” You’re pushing the beds together, unaware of his clenched fists. “So if we sleep diagonally your feet won’t hang off—and can you believe it—” you point to the hem of cerulean brushing against your skin, “I packed three raincoats and no pajamas.”

At the sight of your creeping smile, Bucky loses it.

“Why are you going through my stuff?!” He shouts, gripping the doorframe with enough force to take the molding clear off. “Why are you touching my shit!?” And he probably sounds insane, flying off the handle like this, but he’s got a million grievances against you and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

“Mind your own fucking business!” He’s still unloading, unreasonably frantic at the sight of that terrible color hanging from your shoulders.

Bewildered, you plop down clumsily on your knees, gawking like a deer in the headlights.

Your bare legs, your fingertips on your thighs, the thin sleeves oversized and loose on your forearms, that smear of toothpaste on the collar, the hollow of your throat taut from holding your breath—it makes him want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you dizzy.

It makes him want to touch you. It makes him want you.

He’s sick. He’s dying. He’s so, so fucked.

“What…” Bucky quietly trails off, gasping helplessly as realization sinks in, “…what the hell is wrong with you...”

“Me?!” You shriek back, “What the hell is wrong with you? I’m over here worried about your crusty feet hanging off at night and you just swing in and take a dump on me?”

Bucky groans, miserable and guilty. “I’m sorry,” he says quickly, “Shit. I’m—I don’t know.”

“Eat my ass, dude!” you sneer, already tucked under the blankets. “I’m going to sleep. Turn off the fucking light you’re going to stand there looking like a dumbass.”

A feeble sigh as Bucky pushes his hands into his face, gripping his hair, pulling his own head back until he’s glaring at the ceiling, listening to the patter on the roof.

“You’re the dumbass,” he whispers.

You’re the dumbass with the emotional regulation problem. The idiot with the temper. The head full of sawdust. But, if it only took three careless words from your blundering mouth to make Bucky fall entirely apart, you must be right after all. He is the dumbass.

He feels split open like the sky—torn up completely, unable to make out anything in his own turbulence.

Fuck.

The sheets shift until he hears them slide off. Then, a pattern of bare feet across hardwood. He must look disastrous in the doorway, bent out of shape in uncharacteristic disarray.

“What is going on with you?” You find his arm, fingers wrapping around his wrists, tugging until they peel off his wretched face. “Why are you so upset? I wear your clothes all the time; I’m always in your stuff.”

He chuckles defeatedly because you really are always in his space. Throwing yourself into in his room. Eating chips in his bed. Squirreling away in his brain. Everywhere. Always.

Bucky presses his lips into a thin line, grimacing as he looks at you. Wordless and vulnerable, he can feel his brow sinking lower, throat narrowing around a swallow as he attempts to fix himself. A stutter falls out, then another, crackling syllables like surfacing thunder but never quite forming a sentence.

The earth groans, shaking the cabin and his precarious soul.

“What is it? Why are you looking at me like—”

And then, under a streak of lightning, recognition splits across your face.

“Don’t,” he pleads to the silence, “Don’t say it.”

The seconds stretch into horrible eons of slow passing time. You tilt your head this way and that, eyes going from his face to his hands, limp at his side with your own fingers still grasping on.

“Jesus, Bucky,” you say gently, “You’re—my best friend.”

Bucky shuts his eyes. “I know. I’m not trying—"

“Bucky,” you interrupt, faster now. “Bucky,” suddenly elated and laughing. “Bucky—shut up.”

And then the entire room bursts into flames. Your lips are searing hot against his— plump and eager, leaving scorching trails everywhere they touch, and Bucky burns up like a solar flare trying to catch his breath.

“You’re an idiot,” you laugh, kissing him again. His cheeks, his jaw, his chin. “A real idiot.”

He’s terrified and dizzy, fumbling with a million possible outcomes and failing painfully each time. Relationships never quite work out for him; he’s dated a few girls and liked them a lot, too, but they’ve never turned out how he wanted them to. And this one—this one, he really can’t fuck up.

He’s got a bad track record, and with you, never knowing is much better than losing.

“Hey, you’re going crazy in there. I can hear it.” A sweet smile as your lips hover over his. The sweetest your face as ever looked. “Stop thinking, Bucky. Kiss me.”

Your lashes are so long and pretty. The dip of your cupid’s bow, a shape he adores. Even the tiny scar on your neck and the way your hair moves— wispy strands framing your face. Sounds of happiness tumbling out, hand firmly inside of his.

“It’s just me.” Joyful. Comfortable. “You know me.”

Your eyes glimmer—a familiar color calling him home.

“Yeah,” he chokes out, “Yeah, I do.”

Steve was the more competent linguist in their old days. Rolling French r’s, dropping ending consonants, silky smooth in pronunciation. Bucky’s tongue had always been more supplant to the Eastern European languages but, he knows enough of French—remembers enough from the war to recognize this:

Coup de foudre.

It’s the thing romantics exalt, the thing that half-strikes him now. The thunderbolt.

Love at first sight, even though it’s not quite first sight at all.

It’s not infatuated or starry-eyed. Not blind. Not feeling.

It is knowing.

And yeah, Bucky watches the way you pull him to the floor, euphoric and aglow, Jesus H. Christ, he knows.

This is it for him: your chaos, your entropy, your impulse. Your lack of personal space and foresight and good fucking sense. But—your kindness, too. Your care. Your heart.

Calm and patient as you settle down into his lap, the warm weight of you seems to be the only thing keeping him on earth.

“Can I touch you?” You ask shyly.

His voice is barely audible, hands unsure of where to rest, heart swollen in his throat.

Bucky flushes, and in the split second of your tongue sweeping over your bottom lip, he tells himself do it, you coward, just fucking do it—and god help him, he does.

He presses his face into your neck, kissing hungrily, anywhere he can, down to your collar and chest and then he’s lifting you up by the thighs and instinctively pulling everything off.

You’re both surprised and excited, blinking at his urgency, and then you start scrambling, too.

His shirt gets flung behind your back. Both pants disappear somewhere else. One hand goes into his hair, other guiding him between your legs where you smear all over his fingers.

Bucky stutters breathlessly like he might go into shock. “You’re all fucking— oh fuckin’ hell.”

You only arch into it, holding his chin between your thumb and forefinger, kissing the bristles of his jaw. You’re soft and warm and he’s utterly overcome. Little noises fall from one mouth to another. An awkward shift and your thighs slip off his, head knocking into him, but neither of you are bothered.

He feels perfect in your hands. A silly grin blooms on your lips before you tip forward and glide yourself over his length, rubbing back and forth, hips moving easily.

His abs clench in time with his fists, wet fingers digging into his palms, bit-back groans barely contained. You keep going, marveling at the way he’s sensitive, kissing his neck, letting him feel good. Bucky begins to protest, embarrassed at the way you’re moving, at how he’s unquestionably powerless.

“S-slow—hold on—“

“Let me do it, Buck.” He’s so hard it hurts. “I wanna learn everything you like.”

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Bucky holds himself to calm down, other hand steadying your teasing. Nothing’s happened yet and he might already blow his whole fucking load.

“Okay—just—will you give me a second--"

Using the position you’re already in, he lifts you up and brings you back down, a bit at a time until you’re landing on his hand with a gasp. He uses his fist as a stopper, letting you have it slow, feeling you shudder from inside your goddamn bones with every further inch until he takes it away and you shimmy down to the hilt.

Your eyes roll back. And you look perfect.

“Was it good?” He blurts, “With Thor?”

He doesn’t know why it slips out; he never thinks about it, honest. It was a hook up. One time—and he’s not jealous like that because you’re all adults, and it’s not like he’s a virgin or an ascetic, either. You freeze, but he really is an idiot because instead of apologizing or rectifying that outburst, he cuts you off.

“I can give it to you better.”

Because Bucky wants to. He really does.

He presses onward before you can respond, taking hold of what little courage he has, making you whimper, feeling prouder as he goes. Another one and you’re meeting him with a roll of your own hips. Another one, harder now, and you’re shaking on top, tipping him backward into the cushions, grinding recklessly with that exhilaration he adores.

“Bucky, you feel amazing.” Tongue-tied like a schoolboy, he’s keening after your words. “Can I have you all the time?” And Jesus wept who knew you could talk so sweet and filthy.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” Bucky promises, his jaw hanging open in awe, “I’m yours. You can have me as much as you want— anytime.”

You bite your lip, skin of it pulled taut and snapping back bruised, light-headed and reeling. Glistening across your collarbones with his spit, body trembling like a high note. He feels it— just a little more— god, you look incredible— he’s gotta hold out for this— and then—fuck. 

It’s wet and divine when you come. Slick and tight, dragging him under as you ride out your orgasm, pulling him in like he belongs in you forever.

And he knows. He knows, he knows, he knows.

Bucky could die happy seeing your face like this every day.

-

It’s rougher in the morning. In the shower, soaking together. Faster.

On the couch, next. With him asking you to put your hand here, move your leg there.

He wants to learn everything you like, too.

You eagerly change positions, giggling when your knee slips and you pitch forward onto his chest. The two of you take a moment to compose yourselves, pinching each other, kissing in-between. He commits to memory the way your lids flutter when he touches you. The way everything moves easy and wonderful, sometimes lazy, sometimes harried, but always fun.

Yelping when you bite too hard. Biting you back even harder. Positions neither of you have surprisingly tried before, but why not start?

Cursing. So much cursing. A lot of it good—fuck me, yes, more, don’t stop—but truthfully, most of it stays about the same.

Barnes, you got a juicy ass.

Will you shut up!

And he never thought a person was supposed to laugh so hard during sex, or if maybe that’s just your own brand of love, but he doesn’t want to find out with anyone else.

It’s the fifth time, and Bucky’s dick is about to fall off—how are you still doing this—just a few thrusts in when the banging on the front door frightens the both of you into your clothes.

Sam swings it open and Bucky is desperately tucking himself into his pants before—please, no.

“It smells like ass in here!” Sam hollers, “The hell have you two been—oh my god.”

“Shut up, Sam!” You respond from the corner of the room, head ripping through the neck hole of a sweater, legs wiggling into a pair shorts. Bucky is still shirtless, hoping he might spontaneously combust.

“Oh my god,” Sam whispers again, “Oh… my god.” He sputters on the verge of either eruption or death.

“You freaky little—” he hisses, before screaming, “Oh hell no! I’m here picking y’all asses up. Landed the damn jet like two miles away, walked my happy ass through the rain— you butt-ass-naked in here—” He stands ram-rod straight, hands on his hips angrily. “I’m tellin’ on y’all.”

“Telling on?! What are you, five!? You’re so annoying, Sam!”

“Annoying? What’s annoying is—I’m wet! And well— you wet too, huh?”

“I hate you.”

Sam snickers, high-fiving himself before crossing his arms, “Really though, believe me when I say this for everybody who’s ever met you two: finally. Now get y’all freaky asses outside so I can go home and drink myself into forgetting I ever saw Barnes’ dick.”

You pat him on the shoulder, “It’s nice, huh?”

Sam dry-heaves, “Uh-uh. That’s enough. Go wash your damn hands.”

A few minutes later, Bucky locks the door to a now silent cabin, damp with sweat and the smell of earth. It’s torrential still, two days bucketing and the ground is so wet mud goes up to his ankles. Luckily, and he wants to laugh at that, you packed two extra raincoats.

Thunderclaps shake the very ground he stands on. Bucky turns to look at you, marveling when electricity bounces off your eyes, lighting up your face. He reaches over.

A squeeze to your hand that says I’m yours.

One more, tighter. I love you.

You slot your fingers between his. I know.

You smile at the next streak in the sky. Me too.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #marvel #reader insert #fanfiction #mcu

[falloutjay]

Stan x anxious/compassionate reader (kind of has a little canon divergence)

After giving up on Wendy (around Season 12), Stan and us start dating, we were always worried about him (no we weren't dating him out of pity, we were just a very anxious person). Some people find of clingy, others find us adorable but We've never left his side:

Ex: We were by his side helping with whales (Whale W)

We were the only one who didn't leave him when he got depression (You're Getting Old/Ass Burgers)

Next to Heidi, we became social pariah because we didn't want to dump Stan (this even made Wendy guilty)

But him moving, really gets to us, the coronavirus makes it worse. We get worried about him, then we start getting worried about everyone else as everything falls apart (Kyle, Kenny, Eric, Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott, etc.) And we pass out of stress. About waking up in the hospital, we find out, everyone was worried about us. And Stan is the most worried of all, he spends the whole day with us. We tal-no vent about all the happened to the both of us. By the end of it, we agree that whatever happens we'll do it together.

Guess whos back! :D

Well, while it's not my best work, in my humble opinion, I sure hope you enjoy and like it. Again sorry for the delay! ಥ_ಥ

And if it's not that clear, because I know I can write a little cryptic, there is a time skip. You can either have all the show events happen when they are children and have the time skip between Covid and the memories or between you getting together as kids and the memories. Choose however you like! ^^

_________________________________________

Stan x anxious!compassionate!Reader

Tiny eyes watched the scene unfold.

Normally, Wendy was the one to break up with Stan, but not this time around. Stan was actually telling Wendy that he had no interest in her anymore.

“What changed Stan?” Wendy asked, obviously confused.

“I think I like someone else… I don’t know yet…”

Wendy gave him a smile.

“I wish you all the luck Stan, say if you need anything!”

“I will.” And with that, Wendy took off to be with her friends, while Stan turned a corner and told Kyle and Kenny how it went.

Cartman was there too, but he only wanted to know if she cried, because “she would deserve it.”.

You closed your locker and felt your heartbeat like crazy. Ever since you changed school a few months ago, Stan captured your little ten-year-old mind.

He was kind and showed you around when you had no idea where to go. It was a little crush you developed, and you never felt as scared and excited as now, since that Stan had broken off with Wendy.

This newfound feeling almost made you dizzy but you quickly snapped back into reality when you heard your name.

“Y/N?” Stan asked and waited patiently for his answer next to you.

“Oh, sorry, I was thinking, what did you want?”

“Would you maybe like to hang out some time?”

Stan almost got a heart attack when you suddenly squealed but was happy when you managed to get a high-pitched “YES!” out.

“Okay, what are you betting Kenny? Some Pennies or a dead rat?” Cartman almost fell from his chair laughing about his shitty joke, while Kyle and Kenny rolled their eyes.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how clingy they are?” Kyle asked his blonde friend, while they kept watching you and Stan, who were seated at a separate table at lunch.

“Honestly, I think it’s pretty cute.” Kenny said with his muffled voice.

You held his arm and hugged him from the side, while he happy kept on eating his lunch.

Eric, who had now calmed down from his laugh attack eyed the couple critically. “I’m giving them a month max.”

He said lazily and looked around. “I say longer than a year.” Kenny said, throwing a crinkled five-dollar note on the table.

“You two are horrible.” Kyle shook his head before he threw 10 dollars on the table.

“Four months.”

Kenny was a happy man after a year, because despite everyone believing you two would eventually break up, you never did.

You were always by his side, no matter what.

His desire to desperately save whales with the help of a braindead ship crew?

You were always right by his in the interviews he gave.

His horrible depression that even drove Kyle away? No chance, you stood strong and helped him through the whole thing and even help reuniting the gang.

Even during the protest against Skanthunt42, you chose to sit this one out, despite you absolutely hating that the troll photoshopped a dick into your mother’s mouth.

At least you and Heidi got close due to you guys both becoming social outcasts. When Wendy heard this, she was impressed by your dedication and felt somewhat guilty for obviously not trying as much in her former relationship.

Everyone admired your patience and endurance. No matter what obstacle came, you managed to get through it.

“You don’t need to be sad, Y/N. I won't be that far away.” Stan said, holding your hand.

“B-But it's outside of town. You need ages by bike to get there and vice versa.” You said, holding back tears.

Randy walked past you and you desperately pleaded to him.

“Please Mister Marsh, please stay in town!” Randy put the box he carried into the car, before turning to you.

“Real sorry, dear Y/N. This town is…How do I put it… Absolute shit and I really want to get away.”

He patted you on the head and went back into the house to get more boxes.

“Told you, you cant talk to him.” Stan said and shrugged.

“But it’s unfair. We won’t see each other as much anymore.” Stan pressed a kiss onto your cheek, which made you blush intensely.

“Don’t. Worry. I will make time for you.”

With that in mind, you didn’t feel as sad, when the car with the Marsh Family in it left for their new home.

“I will make time for you, my ass.” You mumbled while you sat at a bench near Starks Pond. Letting out a deep sigh, you leaned back and just enjoyed the warmth of the setting sun.

Covid was one hell of a bitch and just had to have this big impact on everyone’s life. Stan and you now saw each other less and less.

It was just a horrible feeling that tainted your heart and made you worry a lot.

Maybe he was feeling just as bad as you are, maybe even more?

Maybe he just didn’t want to tell you how he felt?

Were you maybe a bad partner? Your mind began racing and your train of thoughts became unrailed.

So many bad thoughts manifested themselves and it made you almost gasp for air.

“I need to check on him.” You mumbled getting up from the park bench.

You began walking and you kind of hoped that maybe just the walking would get your mind in check, but sadly it didn’t. Involuntarily you had to think about all the other stuff that happened during this horrible time.

The precious Broship was more fragile than ever. You had become such good friends with Kenny, Kyle and Cartman over time that it hurt you a lot too.

You also saw Covid take a toll on your other friends, like Craig and his group, who now took Cartman into their gang after the split up.

However, that came to be…

The girls were also pretty divided, so hanging out with them meant picking sides which wasn’t your thing, you kinda just want them to get along again.

Everything felt like it was falling apart. Your parents had fights ever so often, all your friends had problems and your beloved boyfriend was stuck on that stupid farm.

God how you hated that stupid farm and Randy.

When he gave you one of those plushies that looked like him, you functioned it into a voodoo doll. But sadly, it didn’t seem to affect him, no matter how many needles you rammed into it.

Your heart felt heavy, and it seemed hard to breathe, but you brushed it aside.

You had already reached the busy streets of South Park and mingled between the newly vaccinated people.

Everywhere you looked, the people seemed happy.

Everyone was happy except you and the people around you… Maybe…You were the problem?

You shook your head. No, you didn’t allow those kinds of thoughts.

You much rather think about Stan. How you miss him and how amazing your dates were.

Oh, how much effort he put into all the small things… Well… At least he did.

Now that you thought about it when was your last date?

It feels like it had been ages. It has been ages. Everything had been ages. Going out with him, hanging out with your friends, your family not fighting… How long has this been the new normal? You can’t help but wonder.

Your heart clenched again. “Stop it, stupid heart.” You mumbled under your breath.

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips when you thought about how you maybe had to walk all the way up to the farm… It would take ages, but you really craved being held by the person you adored so much.

So, you continued walking down through the street when an elder lady stopped you.

“Excuse me, but you look rather sickly, are you alright?” Confused you raised an eyebrow. Did the vaccines make them delusional?

“No, I’m fine.” You answered, somewhat snippy, even when you didn’t know why you were so agitated.

“But you look rather pale, maybe you- I am fine.” You interrupted her and continued your path.

Were all people in this shitty town stupid or- The thought could not be completed, due to you suddenly losing consciousness.

When you woke up again, you immediately recognized one of the Hells Pass Hospital rooms, once your eyes had adjusted to the bright lights. Around the bed were your parents and more importantly Stan and his mother.

“Thank God, you’re awake again!” Your mother said when she went for a hug.

Confused you asked why you were here.

“Well, seemingly you were so stressed out, that your body basically shut down.”

Somewhat shocked you looked around. Was it really a surprise to hear that? Not really, but it still felt odd knowing that it happened.

“Well, I’m glad you’re fine, Y/N.” Misses Marsh commented and smiled warmly at you. She had always liked you and you felt the same. She was always nice to you and you felt like she was the only one with a brain in the family…

Feeling a sudden sensation of warmness on your hand, your eyes darted down to it. Stan held you hand while answering something your dad had asked him.

“Well, Sharon, you wanna accompany us to get some hot chocolate for us all?”

Your mother said with an odd wink, which made you and Stan roll your eyes.

The three adults left the room chatting happily. Stan looked at you with a stern expression, which kind of surprised you.

“I swear, whenever I think I couldn’t get more worried about you, your parents call me, to tell me that you’re in the hospital.”

“Worried? About me? I should be worried about you?” You laughed to which Stan shook his head.

“Listen, everyone has been super worried about you since you seemed so down and just exhausted. Like, Kyle already called me earlier to ask if you’re awake again. I don’t know why you worry about me; I am really fine babe. Promise.”

With that said, the door opened, and your parents came back inside.

“Y/N, the doctor said they would like you to stay the night, so they can check that you’re really alright.” Your father informed you and you were immediately annoyed.

Well, you had no choice but to oblige. Your parents left after an hour, wanting to get you some clothes and other things you’d need.

Sharon also bids her goodbye and so you and Stan were left.

And just like you wished, you got to cuddle with him. He held you close, and you vented to him, how worried you were about everything and everyone, while he told you just how worried all of your friends had been since you were acting so out of character.

“Even Cartman?”

“Yup, even when he would never admit it.” Stan laughed. He held your hand tight, and his content smile never left his face.

“I think we should talk more about feelings and being worried and all that. I know I’m not all that good at it, but I don’t ever wanna have to visit you in a hospital again.” Stan said, giving your hand a squeeze.

“That sounds good. But you gotta accept, I worry a lot, because I care a lot about you, okay?” You said sternly and Stan nodded. You two looked fondly at each other and just enjoyed the time you got.

“Together forever?” You asked and he whispered “Forever.”, before he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips.

#south park x reader #stan x reader #stan marsh x reader

[naktergalen]

Rivamika Fic Suggestions List 2

Hey there again! It’s been a while since my last rivamika post and I apologies for that. I caught the reading bug and have just been hitting book after book. I might be doing a book of the month suggestion starting in March. I’m still thinking about it but if that is something your interested in let me know. Or if you just want book suggestions just message or ask me. But for now, I’m back with my second Rivamika Fic Suggestions List.

First of all, I want to thank you for all the comments and messages I received from my first list! I think it has over 150 notes now which is crazy for me. I was going to be ecstatic if it got like 10 likes or something hahaha! I’ve enjoyed talking to some of you about fics and other snk stuff. Feel free to do the same after this post! I know I take awhile to respond but swear I get there eventually.

Same rules as last time. I’ve split this list up into four categories. I wanted to let people know the status of some of these fics in case they did not want to start an incomplete or in progress story. All of these fics can be found on AO3. I’m going to try to link them but we will see how tumblr acts today. If you have any fic suggestions for me, feel free to message me with them and I can add them on to the next list. If any author sees their story on here and wants me to take it off the list, please let me know I don’t wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Also, last thing, I highly recommend leaving comments and kudos to the authors. I know that they greatly appreciate it and it helps them with improving their writing through feedback. Okay shutting up now, ON WITH THE LIST!

DISCLAIMER: I know that not all of these stories are not for everyone, these are just my opinions and suggestions.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Completed:

- Thunder Clouds

Author: K_Lionheart

Rating: Mature

Sometimes I like to go to the very back of the Rivamika archive on AO3 and look for fics that have gotten buried over time. Low and behold what I have found lol! I enjoyed the emotional roller coaster when I was reading this fic, though sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out. Set after the titans are gone, humanity has to repopulate so arranged couples by the monarch are made to be wed. While this new order is being enforced, Mikasa and Levi are trying to work out their strained relationship. A slow burn with angst that will have you staying up till 3am dying to know what happens next. I know that there is a sequel to this fic called Nimbus and I’m slowly working my way through that one. Honestly, it will probably go on my next list.

- Red is the Only Colour

Author: mongoose_bite

Rating: Mature

A cute fic that was a quick but wild ride. A Little Red Riding Hood type of AU where Mikasa is a hunter of some sorts traveling through a town. I don’t want to say how Levi plays into all of this since it gets border line spoilers but just know that he is there. It is an opening ending fic for the author to come back if they plan on doing so but it can be interpreted in different ways. All in all, a fic worth of the quick read.

- Sing Me a Song

Author: LazyTrash

Rating: Mature

First I have to get this off my chest, I love the author’s name hahaha! I freakin wished I would have thought of that for mine! Anyway, this fic is wonderful but I will warn you that its a gut punch. If you like hurt and angst put together, then this is the story for you. I love these types of fics because I adore them so much but they hurt me in my soul. I don’t know what that says about me but whatever. I don’t want to delve into the story too much for spoilers but I would suggest rivamika fans to check this one out.

- Midnight Musings

Author: Raewyll

Rating: Teen

I just started to read Raewyll’s fics so I’m slowly working my way through all her works. This one caught my eye and I had to read it. This is a cute take on a chance meeting through texting the wrong number. I love the way Levi and Mikasa’s relationship blossoms into something more serious after causally texting back and forth. It’s one of those stories that I can only describe as being cute as shit! I’m definitely going to be checking out more of Raewyll’s fic in the future.

Ongoing:

- Beyond the Walls

Author: helena3190

Rating: Matue

If you love RIvamika angst, then look no further than this baby right here. This is currently my favorite ongoing fic. It was supposed to be a shorter story, but the author keeps adding more chapters so I’m not complaining hahaha! This fic is pretty much how I would *personally* picture canon Mikasa on how she would deal with realizing that she’s falling in love with someone. Its mostly told in the perspective of Mikasa as she is dealing with the after effects of war and trying to figure out what should she do with her life now that she is no longer a solider. Her feeling for Levi come with a lot of confusion as she’s discovering emotions that she has never felt before. She has a hard time pinpointing on what exactly describes her relationship with him. I’m anxiously waiting for the final chapter for this fic and dying to see how it will end for Mikasa and Levi.

- After the War

Author: loneackerman

Rating: Mature

I am loving this rivamika slow burn fic right here. Its similar to Beyond the Walls but I think the author adds their own taste of the 1920s into it. Set after the war is over (obviously), Mikasa and Levi have to figure out what they are going to do the rest of their lives. It has great tension, a perfectly paced gradual romance and just the right amount of humor to combat the emotional turmoil it puts you through. Again in my opinion, this is close to how I would realistically perceive Levi and Mikasa’s relationship evolving. I’m really enjoying this story and I’m looking forward to more updates to come!

- The Sound of Lightning

Author: LycheeGreenTea

Rating: Mature

A new fic that is just getting started but I can tell that what the author has in store is going to be interesting. Set several years after the end of the war, Levi and Mikasa are loving parents to a single child. Their peaceful life comes to an end when the family has a threat against them. There are not many long fics about Mikasa and Levi being parent so I was very happy when this one popped up on the AO3 feed. An exciting adventure awaits the Ackerman family now and I can’t wait to see where this fic goes in the future. There are three chapters as of now so head over there and check it out.

Incomplete:

- Home

Author: MissErikaCourt

Rating: Mature

One of the gems I found when diving back into the Rivamika archive. Ugh I HATE that this fic is incomplete!!! Its a good long fic but I’m greedy and I need more! I will give a warning first that this fic does contain heavy themes. Mikasa and Levi are in the underground to fight against a criminal ring. This story is a slow burn with action and emotional trauma. There is a wonderfully written OC that you easily get attached to its not even funny. Even though its not completed, I would highly recommend checking it out. I still have three more chapters to finish but I had to put it on this list. I know that I’m going to be pissed once I reach the last chapter written. If someone know MissErikaCourt, let her know that she needs to comeback to finish this masterpiece!

- Shiver

Author: bornsinner

Rating: Mature

Another one that I DISPISE its incomplete!!! Ugh such a great Office AU. It’s everything that I would want in an Office AU setting. Mikasa struggles between her committed long term relationship and her growing attraction (which starts to develop into some feelings) to her boss, Levi. Its hot, sexy and intriguing and it pisses me off that its not finished! The author writes each chapter as a one-shot but collectively together they tell the whole story. Highly recommend even though its so short. BORNSINNER where ever you are in the universe I hope you come back to finish this!!!

- Two Lines

Author: Crejhov

Rating: Mature

When this was getting updated it was my favorite on-going Rivamika fic. I would find myself checking to see if the author updated with a new chapter every week! The unplanned pregnancy trope is a classic one, but Crejhov does a fantastic job on keeping readers enthralled with soo many anticipated character meet up that are bound to cause hurdles for our expecting parents. This story is told from the perspectives of Mikasa and Levi in order for us to understand where their mindsets are as they plan for their expecting child and deal with their relationship. AHHHHH I want more of this!!! I was soo excited to see where this awkward journey was going to take Mikasa and Levi. CREJHOV COME BACK PLEASE I KNOW YOU HAVE WORK BUT PLEAAASEEEE! I NEEEEEEDDDD!!!

- Cabin Fever

Author: AmayaOkami

Rating: Mature

All I should have to say about this is that its written by AmayaOkami and that should explain it. Amaya is the one that gave us the beautiful incomplete rivamika fic Romance and Rivalry. I just adore her writing. Levi and Mikasa relationship evolves as they are standing guard over the arrested Kenny Ackerman. Secrets are discover about the Ackermans and it gets pretty steamy between our two favs. Great fluff and great sexual tension that leaves you wanting more chapters! Again AmayaOkami where ever you went I hope for some miracle that you come back and complete this one too!

One-Shot:

- Jade

Author: shulkie

Rating: Mature

This one-shot feels like I read a novel, it has such a great storyline. An arranged marriage between Mikasa and Levi leaves the relationship strained in the beginning. Their relationship evolves over time as Levi patiently brings down Mikasa’s wall. With smut added for all of your one-shot needs. Definitely worth the read in my opinion.

- What Remains

Author: Mirime

Rating: Mature

This one-shot gives us a glimpse into the secret relationship that Levi and Mikasa have been having while there are still scouts. This fic is sad but I would say it has a bittersweet ending. I think this was supposed to be part of a collection but I can’t find the rest of them. Still a great read by itself.

- Agape

Author: alienheartattack (Sanneke)

Rating: Mature

This fic is cute as shit! A College AU where Mikasa and Levi are childhood friends. Levi has to deal with Mikasa being at the same college as him while he is struggling with his changing feelings towards a grown up Mikasa. Worth the read as I said cute as shit, leaves you all warm and fuzzy lol!

- As Seen in Shadows

Author: MoraLeeWright

Rating: Explicit

FUCKING MORA! LEE! WRIGHT! UFFFFGGHHH Fuck I’m in love with her writing style. I really have nothing to say more that just go read it! Its hot and sexy and the sexual tension is off the fucking charts in this one. Its just MoraLeeWright smut thats all I can say. It’s great! JUST READ IT LMAO!

- Remedy

Author: NSummer

Rating: Mature

Another hot smut one-shot coming your way! Levi and Mikasa have had an ongoing affair and this just recounts their first time together. Its just some good ol’ Rivamika smut that I think that everyone in this community would enjoy.

- Nutty: Drunk in Love

Author: Hallow17

Rating: Mature

A fun smut to read about Mikasa getting “revenge” on her asshole boss, Levi. Things don’t go the way she plans as things get a little heated in the sexy way. A quick smut that I think is perfect for a little Rivamika crave.

- Spicy: Jalapeno

Author: Hallow17

Rating: Explicit

Another fun smut to read by Hallow17. Levi has been stressed out at work and Mikasa finds a way to help him get his mind off it (if you know what i mean). Again perfect for a Rivamika quick fix.

#rivamika #rivamika fic #levimika #mikasa x levi #levi x mikasa #Levikasa #levi and mikasa #mikasa and levi

[sunflowersoonyoung]

look at me | shuhua

w.c ↠ 1.2k

pairing ↠ shuhua x fem!reader

genre/s ↠ fluff, smut, first time, friends to lovers au!

description ↠ Sneaking her mother’s alcohol and getting drunk on Shuhua’s bed, it was only natural things developed the way they did.

warning/s ↠ suggestive themes, underaged drinking (set in Korea so the legal drinking age is above 18), drunken intercourse

a/n ↠ shuhua is my love of g-idle~ I am obsessed with the idea of confident gay shuhua. I'm semi-pleased with this but still not completely confident with writing smut, feedback would be amazing~ 💕

-

The dusk air was brisk as you waited patiently at Shuhua’s front door. A tightly packed backpack rested on one shoulder, your plans for that evening to stay at her house till the next day and then return home.

Shuhua was not exactly a friend of yours, although that was the easiest description for your relationship. Much of your banter was flirtatious, and Shuhua was physically affectionate, so it was not incorrect to describe you as romantic interests as well. The invitation to spend the night at hers had come as a surprise to you, particularly considering the nature of your short friendship.

Nonetheless, you were always eager to spend time with the raven-haired beauty, and so there was no hesitation in accepting the offer.

When the door opened, you had only a brief moment to observe Shuhua wearing her home clothes before she flung herself at you. She had practically thrown all of her weight onto you, lucky that you had caught her. You squeezed her as tightly as you could, burying your nose in the crook of her neck.

When you withdrew to peer back at each other, Shuhua was aflutter; a warm beam spread across her round cheeks. Her excitement was palpable. You admired how her casual outfit suited her, how her legs looked slender even in baggy tracksuit pants.

“Come on,” she hummed, fingers interlocked with yours as she ushered you inside.

As you follow her whilst attached to her arm, Shuhua wore a mischievous grin that you struggled to read.

“My mom is away,” she began explaining, “on some business trip. Though I’m pretty sure that’s an excuse so she can spend time with her boyfriend. She left behind something special, and I thought we could share it.”

As you were trying to decipher where she was headed, she released you to gently retrieve something from her fridge, carrying it as if she was scared it would shatter in her hands. She held out for you a full bottle of rosé wine whilst shooting you a wink, the gold pink liquor catching light.

You gasped, softly smacking her wrist, “are you sure that’s okay? Won’t it make her mad?”

“She won’t even notice, she drinks a bottle of these every weekend,” Shuhua remarked. There was an impish glint in her eyes, one that told you you would not be spending this night sober. She prepared two wine glasses, heading to her bedroom with the bottle tucked beneath her arm.

You set your bag down and joined her on her bed, sitting directly across from her with your legs crossed. By that stage, she had already filled the two glasses and gingerly handed you one. You took a sip, savouring the bitter wine as it ran down your throat and eventually warmed in your belly.

For a while, pleasant conversation bounced between the pair of you. She made you laugh, and you did the same for her till the room carried the sound of bubbly laughter. Neither of you kept count of how many glasses had been consumed, not until you realised you were both rather drunk. Shuhua was rocking back and forth, strands of her glossy hair falling messily over her face.

“Come cuddle me, (F/n)~,” she hummed, falling back against her mattress and resting her head on the pillow.

You settled beside her, pressing a cheek to her bare collarbone and resting an arm over her waist. Her warm presence was sweet, a surprising stillness overcoming you where you expected nerves. For a while, you laid motionlessly, feeling her stomach rise and fall beneath your hand. It felt as if nothing could shatter the blissful tranquillity.

Lifting your head to capture a glimpse of her expression, it caught you by surprise that she was already peering down at you. Staring back at her russet irises sent pleasant chills down your spine.

The tips of her ears turned crimson and she glanced away, embarrassed. You pressed her cheeks into your palms and guided her face back to yours. She was close; close enough that she could lean down an inch and your lips would collide.

“Look at me,” you whispered, wearing a slight smile. And look at you, she certainly did. Her gaze travelled down to your mouth.

Shuhua kissed you. Initially, it was only brief as if she were testing the waters. She observed your expression, savouring your shock. Then she indulged again, allowing herself to settle against your lips and taste you properly. It was a deep kiss, passion overwhelming you both till the exchange grew heated. You shifted nearer so that you could properly face each other, intertwining your fingers amongst her hair to lock her in place.

Her tongue slid across your bottom lip teasingly, parting from you with a pop.

Shuhua emanated with curiosity as she stared at you, reaching across and touching your jaw. Her fingers trailed down your skin; down your neck, between your breasts, your belly, halting eventually at the rim of your cotton shorts. Tingles of excitement exploded across your body, arousal burning in the pit of your stomach.

“Can I touch you?” She inquired quietly. When you nod, she emits a giddy giggle and adds, “I’ve never touched someone before.”

“I-It’s my first time, too,” you admit, certain that if it were not for the alcohol in your system, you would be far more nervous. Instead, you were bursting with excitement.

As she slipped her fingers over your heat, instinctively you rolled your hips against her touch. Your mind swam, a dizzying heat flooding your body when she began to rub two fingers against your clitoris. Shuhua seems surprised when a groan escapes your throat.

Thanks to the wine, the pleasure seems to heighten swiftly. Soon your surroundings were clouded, all of your senses hyper-focused on the fluid movement of her hand.

“W-Wait,” you gasped, forcing your eyes to open, “let me, too.” She is more than happy for you to return her touch, so you reach into her tracksuit pants and feel her wetness beneath the pads of your fingers.

Though finding it is a little difficult when you cannot see anything, your blind fingers press into her swollen clitoris eventually. Immediately, Shuhua emits a beautiful mewl, and it sends a shock of arousal between your legs.

For a while, the bedroom air contained only your mingled breaths and cries. Perhaps listening to you had left her worked up because she came undone quite quickly, her entire body wracked in an orgasm. It was something of a marvel to see how your mere fingers made her respond.

Shuhua’s chest heaved as she recovered, head rolling back against the pillow. Her gaze fluttered over to you, full of affection.

You hardly expected her to resume her ministrations so suddenly, but it seemed she wanted to return the favour. She increased the pressure and speed, rubbing circles till you could barely contain yourself and came hard - so hard that you could barely feel the presence of the kisses she trailed down your jaw.

You had to recuperate, every inch of your body exhausted, a film of sweat coating your skin. Shuhua was draping the duvet over the both of you, edging closer, eager to make skin contact. The desire to cuddle her was powerful, wrapping your arms tightly around her.

Your eyes are heavily lidded as you stare at the beautiful woman sharing a mattress with you. Both of you are obviously fatigued, a combination of alcohol and intercourse. Her forehead met yours, sleepily peering back at you.

“Are we going to date now? I want more of you,” she mumbled. You grinned playfully.

“Weren’t we dating already?”

#shuhua #yeh shuhua #g-idle #(g)I-dle #shuhua x reader #g-idle x reader #(g)I-dle x reader #gxg #wlw #kpop gxg #kpop x reader #girl group scenarios #girl group fanfic #g-idle fanfic #(g)I-dle scenarios #(g)I-dle fanfic #g-idle scenarios #shuhua fanfic #shuhua scenarios #(g)I-dle smut #girl group smut #g-idle smut #shuhua smut

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Ateez: Another Member Doesn't Like You

Kim Hongjoong:

Hongjoong couldn't understand why his best friend didn't seem to take a liking to you. He thought Seonghwa was just shy and that's why he avoided you. But every time he said you were coming over, Seonghwa would only roll his eyes or let out an angry huff. Hongjoong preferred not to tell you, he didn't want to make you upset. And he didn't know how to talk to Seonghwa about it.

But you weren't stupid. You noticed the glares Seonghwa would often direct at you. You decided to do something about it. Every time you came over, you made sure to clean up all the mess the boys made, not wanting to stress Seonghwa out more than he was. If dishes needed to be done, you offered to do them, making sure to arrange them the way Seonghwa liked, not messing up the system he had. He did notice your efforts and he felt like an ass for being rude to you.

"I'm sorry for not being very welcoming to you at first Y/N. Truthfully I was just cautious of you, I'm just overprotective of my friends, but that's not an excuse for my behavior. Thank you for all you've done for us, for Hongjoong. You make him really happy."

Hongjoong overheard your conversation when you two were cleaning the kitchen one night and he felt very happy to know you two made peace. He felt lucky to have someone as understanding and patient like you. He ended up talking about it with you when you were alone.

"I'm sorry I never said anything to Seonghwa, I should have told him to stop since the beginning. But thank you for not getting angry with him or losing your temper. And it means a lot to me that you are getting along now."

Park Seonghwa:

"Seonghwa, I think Hongjoong doesn't like me." You told him one day.

"Awww come on. I'm sure it's not like that. He's just been stressed out recently, it's nothing." Your boyfriend tried to assure you.

But the more he paid attention, the more he realized there might be some truth to your words.

"Going out with Y/N again?" Hongjoong asked him one day he saw Seonghwa was getting ready.

"Yeah, we're going on a date." Seonghwa told him.

Hongjoong scoffed. "Whatever. Just make sure to pick up some milk on your way back. It's almost out."

Seonghwa noticed the tone in Hongjoong's voice and didn't like it one bit. Putting down his brush, he turned to his friend and crossed his arms.

"Ok, what the hell is your problem?" Seonghwa finally asked him.

Hongjoong only shrugged at him. "It's whatever, just go on your fucking date and get it over with."

Seonghwa walked up to Hongjoong and made him face him. Soon it was nothing but yelling between them two, Seonghwa accusing him of hating you for no reason.

"It's not your fucking girlfriend/boyfriend ok?! It's how much time you spend with them! I get it, you're not in charge of producing music for the group, I am, and I get you don't get to see Y/N that much and every second with them is precious to you, but I already have a lot of stress on my shoulders and I used to always count on you to help me take care of the others, but now I have to do that as well cause you barely have time anymore and it's too much for me."

Seonghwa felt bad for his friend, he finally understood that Hongjoong was just stressed and pressured too much.

"I'm sorry Hongjoong. Truly I am. I didn't know you felt that way. I promise I'll try to find a way to make things easier for you. But you shouldn't have taken it out on Y/N, they're not at fault here."

Hongjoong nodded. "Yeah I know. I'm sorry. I'll apologize to them when they come over."

Seonghwa smiled and put his arm around Hongjoong's shoulder.

"Why don't you come along with us? You look like you need a break."

Jeong Yunho:

Yunho remembers the day you met his group members. He also remembers the faces you and Mingi made when you saw each other.

"You?!" You both exclaimed at each other.

As it turned out, Mingi and you had a past of being enemies when you two were in school. Always trying to one up each other and making the other's life miserable, you both ended up in detention together several times for all the antics you pulled.

"Baby come on. I promise Mingi isn't the cocky, annoying jock you knew."

"Mingi, I promise Y/N isn't the stuck up, bratty goody two shoes teacher's pet you knew."

That's what he would constantly tell the two of you and often tried to make you two get along, always failing and resulting in you two arguing over the tiniest of things. Yunho always felt sad when it happened. He just wanted the two people closest to him to get along. He often tried to play off your banters with humor, but you both noticed the sad tone in his voice.

So one day, you called Mingi over, deciding to put an end to it.

"Look, we both messed up and we're being immature. We're adults now and our actions are only hurting Yunho and he doesn't deserve that. So ..... even though it'll be hard, can we try to have a civil relationship between us so he doesn't feel bad?"

"For once, I actually agree with you."

You and Mingi shook hands, your agreement finally in place. And Yunho couldn't be happier than finding out you two left your history in the past. He was ecstatic.

"Yay! Maybe now Mingi could join us on our dates!" Yunho suggested.

"Absolutely not. Don't push it."

"I am not about to be the third wheel here!"

Yunho laughed. "Ok, a little rough patches still, but at least now you guys are agreeing more than before. Right?"

Kang Yeosang:

If there's one thing that made Yeosang happier than chicken, it was you. He was so happy he found you, he felt like he finally found a piece of himself that was missing. So of course, he was excited to have the members meet you. They all seemed to love you and enjoy your company.

All except Wooyoung. For some odd reason, he didn't really seem to enjoy your company. He became oddly quiet when you were around, giving you weird looks whenever you got close to Yeosang. Later on, it turned to snappy comments.

"Yah! Stop hovering all over poor Yeosang. He doesn't like that stuff."

"Don't pinch his cheeks, he hates it."

"Don't pet him like that! He's not a puppy!"

Honestly, no one knew what the heck was up with him. Seonghwa only smirked every time you two talked about it.

"Don't you see? He's jealous." Was what he told you one day.

Neither one of you understood what he meant. Jealous of Yeosang or you? And why?

Seonghwa rolled his eyes at you two and your cluelessness.

"Wooyoung has been your friend for almost 6 years, yet you've never allowed him to show you affection, you've always pushed him off. But you display all forms of PDA with Y/N and it makes him mad cause you're not like that with him. Get it now?"

That's when it finally clicked with both of you. It all made sense now. To keep peace, you both limited your PDA in front of the others and you even suggested to Yeosang to allow Wooyoung to hug him every once in a while.

"Let Wooyoung hug me?" He raised an eyebrow at you.

"Yeah. And even let him cuddle you sometimes."

Yeosang stayed silent, thinking about it for a bit.

"I'm.....not sure."

"Oh come on! How bad can it be? It's just Wooyoung." You assured him.

"Yeah, Wooyoung. Do you not know how clingy he is?"

Choi San:

San was at a lost. Jongho was usually well behaved and never caused problems, so why was he being like this with you? No he never insulted you or was outright rude to you. But he often decided to leave the room if you were there, even hearing San talk about you seemed to put him on edge. Jongho was fine with you at the beginning, so what the hell happened?

San once asked you if you and Jongho ever argued, to which you said no and honestly, you thought you rarely saw him because he was busy or tired. You didn't think that he was avoiding you on purpose.

San sat the maknae down one day when they were alone. He straight up asked him if there was something wrong, maybe there was a misunderstanding between you two. Jongho only sighed and looked down at his feet.

"I'm sorry Hyung....."

San was taken aback by his words.

"Sorry for what?"

That's how Jongho confessed everything: how he was avoiding you and all conversations about you because he realized he started developing feelings for you and he felt it was inappropriate and disrespectful to you, to San and to your guys' relationship. San was in shock at hearing him say that, he was speechless for a while. Jongho felt so bad, he actually teared up.

"Hyung I really am sorry. I swear I'll try to get over it and I'll never come between you two."

San nodded his head, he understood where Jongho was coming from. He wrapped an arm around him.

"Hey it's ok. I get it, we don't choose who we end up falling for. Thank you for being honest with me. I'm not mad. I swear."

San himself teared up at seeing the boy's tears. He gave him a tight hug, and assured him that he wouldn't tell you about this, Jongho didn't want you to know.

"I'll get over it. I know I will."

"Don't worry. One day you'll find someone too." San smiled at him.

Song Mingi:

"What do you mean you two already know each other?"

It was quite shocking to everyone to find out Yunho and you knew each other. But yes indeed you two knew each other. Both of you used to be in different dance schools, often meeting in competitions and let's just say it wasn't exactly a friendly environment. The rivalry between your teams was strong every time and there was never room for any hint of niceness between any of the members.

So naturally, both of you were on defense mode every time you two interacted. No harsh words were ever said, you two just stared at each other, silently cursing the other for coming back into your life.

"How bad could Yunho have been? He's practically harmless!" Mingi asked you one day.

"He always made fun of us with his friends! Often criticized every move I made."

Mingi also asked Yunho his side of the story.

"They were snobs. Often looking down at us just cause their dance academy was more fancy and expensive."

Mingi wasn't upset or angry that you two didn't get along. It made him more determined to get you two to get along. You both shared a passion for dancing, so why should it matter about what happened before?

Which is why he often dragged Yunho on your dates, it was awkward not just because you were rivals, but who the heck brings someone to third wheel on their date willingly?

His persistence paid off though when he invited you to one of their dance practices. They were all amazing, but you could definitely tell Yunho was on another level and that's exactly what you told him when they asked what you thought.

"You're really great. I can see why you're the main dancer."

"Thanks......do you wanna teach me that one choreo you guys performed at the last competition we were in? I really enjoyed it and you were amazing."

You smiled and agreed, both of you now relaxed and putting your past behind you.

"Omg! That's a great idea! Let's do it Friday! How's that sound?" Mingi exclaimed, overhearing you two.

"I don't remember including you? Do you Yunho?" You teased him.

"Nope." Yunho played along.

"I'm your boyfriend! And you're my friend! I have double reason to come!"

Jung Wooyoung:

Yeosang didn't like you and he made it clear as daylight. He'd often scoff at anything you said, roll his eyes at you or throw in one of his sarcastic comments at you. Wooyoung played it off as that's just how he was to anyone new he met. But days stretched to weeks, then months and he was still being an asshole to you.

It was a particularly bad day for you once and Yeosang made a comment that finally made you break and you started crying, startling everyone. Wooyoung was beyond furious at his so called best friend. After calming you down and taking you home, he sat Yeosang down.

"You're an asshole, I hope you realize that. Y/N has done nothing to you have they?"

Yeosang was silent cause that part was true. Wooyoung demanded an explanation for his behavior.

"I'm mad cause they're taking you away from me ok? I get you're in a relationship but you never spend time with me anymore and every night, you just talk and talk about how wonderful your boyfriend/girlfriend is and I..... I feel lonely ok? I miss my friend... and I felt they were taking you away from me..."

Yeosang finally got that out of his chest. Although Wooyoung understood his friend, that gave him no right to take it out on you. After more serious talking, Yeosang agreed to apologize to you, which he did the very next day. He even bought you your favorite food to make it up to you. He didn't immediately start hanging out with you though, he knew you probably needed space first. But after a while, the three of you started spending more time together. In fact, Yeosang and you had so much in common, you two ended up spending more time together than Wooyoung felt comfortable with.

"Hey! This isn't a 3 way relationship and much less between you two! So stop being so close cause I will get mad!"

Somehow Wooyoung doesn't know if it was a good idea making you two make up.

Choi Jongho:

As soon as San and you locked eyes, it was tension between you two. You tried to avoid him, or if he was around you tried to be as civil as possible, but everyone could tell how awkward you were around him. San however was very stoic towards you, or extremely formal. He wasn't rude, but it was really clear that your presence bothered him.

Jongho asked you two often why, but neither of you wanted to say anything. He was at a loss. He talked about it with Seonghwa and Hongjoong, and they themselves couldn't get an answer out of them. So what the heck was it? Why are you two so tense with each other?

Wooyoung was nagging so much one day when you were all together. He kept asking why you two hardly talked and avoided each other, pestering you two on if you knew each other before and told you guys to be friends. It was so incessant that San finally cracked.

"Stop! Do you think either one of us want to talk about the fact we dated in school and had a rough break up?!"

Everyone went silent at the confession, you hid your face in one of your hands. Jongho was stunned and looked between you two.

"You....and San Hyung?" He pointed to you two.

"Yes Jongho. San and I dated before he became a trainee."

That was all you two were willing to say, neither one of you wanting to recall what happened before in the past. Jongho suddenly felt threatened. What if you still had feelings for him? What if he had feelings for you? What if you left him?

But those concerns were laid to rest when you both assured him it wouldn't happen.

"Look Jongho, what happened between us two stays between us, and it's in the past. This is the present and now you and Y/N are together. So don't worry about it." San assured him.

"Yeah, and if you want, we'll try to get along. Start like new. Is that ok?" You asked him.

Jongho felt relief. He wasn't going to lose you and he didn't have to worry anymore about you two being uncomfortable around each other. It was going to take time, but all of you were mature and were willing to make things work.

Gifs not mine, credit goes to their respective owners.

#ateez #ateez reactions #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines

[cyhyr]

Whumptober Day 5

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: T

Pairing: Iruka/Mizuki ; Iruka & Naruto ; Iruka & Kakashi

WC: ~1900

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Additional Tags: A/B/O, pregnancy, abortion, abusive relationship, pack dynamics, lying

A/N: whooo two updates in one night now I'm only two days behind 🥳 this fic has a lot of my own a/b/o headcanons which I don't really explain, sorry. This is a scene of a story idea I've been stewing on for some time, but one which I do not think I will further develop.

This is also unbeta-ed. sorrynotsorry.

Tagging for Whumptober: @sweetysamaa, @atereal, @kelkage

~

Naruto runs ahead and turns the corner into the compound before Iruka can admonish him to be careful and watch where he’s going. He follows behind slower, weighed down by a grocery bag in each hand, and turns into the compound in a good mood. A day out with Naruto is always pleasant and makes him happy—even though the four-year-old isn’t his biological pup, Iruka knows he’s as good as imprinted on the kid. He’s so glad that Hatake-san had approached him to be a part of his pack. He likely never would have gotten this chance, otherwise.

He smiles softly. They’re only an embryo, barely the size of a sunflower seed now, but so very precious and already the whole pack is excited to have their second pup.

“I don’t care if it’s your home, Iruka’s my omega—”

“Our omega,” Hatake-san growls.

“But the pup is mine.”

Naruto creeps back to Iruka’s side at some point and takes his hand. Iruka’s other hand slips to his belly, resting protectively over where his new pup is growing. In the garden, Hatake-san is mostly calm, hands in his pockets and eye staring the other alpha down. Mizuki is… less calm. He’s posturing, pacing back and forth and swinging his arms around wildly.

“This pack wouldn’t exist without me,” Hatake-san growls. “The pup should be given the choice to be raised as Hatake.”

Around them are the pack betas. Anko is trying to put herself between Mizuki and Hatake-san, while Gai-sensei and Tenzō-san are also trying to physically deter the other alpha from starting a fight.

Naruto whines, soft and scared, pulling on Iruka’s uniform pants. “Why are they fighting?”

Iruka puts himself slightly in front of Naruto. “Let’s go inside. We don’t need to be here for all this, okay?”

They barely get to the door when Mizuki explodes. “Iruka is mine and that pup is mine,” he snarls. “I’ll take him and leave this pack without an omega, and then you’ll lose your precious monster-child. I hold the cards here, Kakashi; you’re the one with silly things like bonds.”

Iruka pushes Naruto inside and glares over his shoulder at Mizuki and Hatake-san, still posturing and snarling at each other. If he weren’t carrying, he’d put himself between them just like Anko is doing, but…

He looks over at Naruto, now playing in the corner of the kitchen with the collection of blocks Gai had bought him a few days ago. Mizuki could take Iruka out of the pack; he is right in his claim to be the pup’s sire, and can easily force a mating bite with little or no repercussions. If this were to happen, Hatake-san would lose his right to have Naruto as an adopted pup—Sandaime did say that this whole thing was contingent on Hatake having a pack, and without an omega the pack will fall apart. Naruto would end up back in the orphanage; Iruka’s not delusional enough to believe that Mizuki would let him keep Naruto, even if he has imprinted.

Iruka braces his lower back on the kitchen counter and shuts his eyes. He doesn’t want to have to make this choice.

He lays his hands over his belly and weeps.

~

“I need you to be very good today,” Iruka says, holding Naruto’s hand as they walk through the village.

“You always want me to be good, ka-chan! And I am!!”

Iruka smiles. “That’s true. I do love it when you’re good. But today more than usual, I really need you to be on your best behavior.”

He opens the doors to the hospital and herds Naruto inside. Mizuki is at the Academy, Anko at T&I, Gai is with Kakashi doing some odd training exercises, and Tenzō is… well, Iruka’s not supposed to know that Tenzō is ANBU, but he saw the beta’s mask a few days ago.

Everyone is occupied.

He takes Naruto to the elevator and together they ride up to the second floor. Just beyond the elevator doors is a small waiting room that smells of rich, pregnancy pheromones. Half of the chairs are taken.

Iruka goes up to the reception desk and says, “Hi, I’m Umino Iruka; I called last night?”

The receptionist looks up at him and nods. “I remember. You can have a seat.”

It doesn’t take long at all for his name to be called, and he collects Naruto from the play table and quietly follows the nurse into the exam rooms.

“How far along are you?” the nurse asks once they’re in the privacy of a closed room. The door shuts heavily under her palm.

“Seven weeks.”

“Any mating bites, courtings, packmates?”

“I have a pack—three betas and two alphas. No courting or mating bites though.”

“And the pup here?”

Iruka puts his hand on Naruto’s shoulder and gently squeezes. “He’s adopted. We’re imprinted.”

The nurse makes a note. “Congratulations,” she murmurs. “Do you want to disclose a reason for termination?”

“No, thank you.” He pauses, considering; then says, “but it is urgent, if I could get it done today.”

She looks up at him and sets her folder and pen aside. She takes her glasses off. “Umino-sensei, are you safe within your pack?”

Naruto looks up at him with a small head tilt.

Iruka reiterates, “It’s urgent, and I’d like to have it done today. If at all possible.”

The nurse purses her lips and says, “I’ll see what we can do for you, Umino-sensei. We’ll need to do a pelvic exam first, so if you could get undressed?” She pulls out a modesty blanket from a drawer behind her, and then leaves the room.

As soon as it’s back to just him and Naruto, Iruka falls apart. He leans against the edge of the exam table and hugs his middle, sniffing and crying. And then Naruto is right in front of him, reaching up to his face and patting his cheeks. “Ka-chan, why are you crying?”

He shakes his head. “Don’t—I’m okay, I promise. I will be okay.”

Naruto frowns and rests his temple against Iruka’s belly. “What does ‘terminate’ mean?”

Iruka cries harder, hugging Naruto tightly and tries to think about the best way to answer the question. He hasn’t had Naruto for more than half a year, but he knows he’ll do anything to keep him… even if it means aborting this growing pup before they can become a reason for Mizuki to take him away.

He has a responsibility to his pup—to Naruto. He has a responsibility to his pack—not just Mizuki.

“You… Naruto, you know I love you and wouldn’t trade you for anything?”

“Yeah?? Ka-chan, what—?”

“Your sibling,” Iruka sniffs, “they can’t… I can’t. Naruto, ‘terminate’ means ‘to stop’. We’re here today so that we can stop my pregnancy.”

Naruto looks up at him and asks, “Is this because of what Mizuki-nii was saying last night? Because Kaka-nii would never let him take you away, I know that!”

Iruka smiles thinly at Naruto, brushes back his bangs. “Mizuki has a right to the pup, as their sire. And if he wanted to bond and leave the pack to raise his pup, I can be compelled to go with him.”

Naruto hugs him tighter. “And so you want to stop being pregnant so Mizuki-nii can’t take you away?”

Iruka nods. “I have other reasons, but yes.”

“What’s going to happen to the baby?”

“They… They’re going to be removed from my body, and won’t become a part of our pack.”

“But if they’re removed, then… then, they’ll die?”

“Naruto, they’re not really alive right now. And something that’s not alive can’t die.”

“But—”

“Naruto, what we’re stopping is the eventuality of a new pup. It’s. It’s a hard choice, but one I’m very sure about making.”

“That’s not—” Naruto buries his face into Iruka’s belly and murmurs something, muffled against Iruka’s shirt.

“What?”

Naruto lifts his head and cries, “I don’t want my little sibling to grow up in a bad pack! You’re making the right choice; but can I get another chance at being a big brother someday??”

Iruka kneels down and kisses Naruto’s forehead. “Of course, Naruto. You’ll be the best big brother ever, when the pack is ready to give you one, okay?” Naruto nods rapidly, and Iruka hugs him closer still. “I just hope the rest of the pack will understand someday.”

“If they don’t,” Naruto frowns, “then we leave the pack and start our own. We don’t need people who don’t care about you, Ka-chan.”

A knock sounds at the door and Iruka clears his throat. “Sorry, I’m not ready yet.”

“That’s alright, Umino-sensei. I’ll come back in another few minutes,” the nurse says through the door without opening.

Iruka smiles at Naruto and brushes his hair aside. “I have to get ready. Could you go and sit on one of those chairs and be good and patient?”

Naruto nods and sits down. Iruka gets ready for termination.

~

Later that night, Iruka tells the pack that he and Naruto had been out shopping and he tripped over and landed poorly onto his stomach, resulting in a miscarriage. His betas all cry over him—Gai-sensei, in particular, soaks through the fabric on Iruka’s shoulder. Anko and Tenzo-san both scent him in comfort and solidarity. The two alphas… Hatake-san looks upset, but asks to scent Iruka to ensure he’s alright; that they can always try again for another pup, but they can’t replace Iruka. Iruka accepts the scenting, and breathes in the alpha’s deep woodsy scent in return.

Mizuki is livid. He storms away to their bedroom without offering to scent Iruka. Iruka’s worried about what’s going to happen later that night…

And then, when he’s alone cleaning up after dinner, Hatake-san approaches him and asks to speak to him privately. Iruka dries off his hands and follows the alpha to the library, where they close the door and then Hatake-san asks, “Why did you lie to the pack?”

“I didn’t—”

“Iruka-sensei. Please. I could smell the lie on you,” Hatake-san holds up his hands. “I just want to know the truth, please?”

Iruka folds his arms across his chest. He aches everywhere—the procedure was invasive; he hadn’t wanted to take the pills to force a miscarriage in case Mizuki found out and threw the second dose away. “I elected to abort the pregnancy,” he says.

Hatake-san nods. “Alright. Thank you for letting me know.”

Iruka narrows his eyes. “You’re not… mad?”

“Why would I be? It’s your body. You know yourself better than I, and I trust your judgement. I wouldn’t have asked you to become my omega—my pack omega,” he quickly corrects himself, a light blush peeking over his mask, “if I didn’t trust you.”

He smiles softly. “Thank you,” Iruka says.

“Did you need a separate place to sleep tonight? I’ve heard that omegas tend to want to nest alone after a pregnancy loss, however it happens.”

“No, I’m alright.”

Hatake-san nods and takes a few steps closer. “Is it alright if I scent you again before you head to bed, then?”

“You’re one of my alphas,” Iruka says. “You don’t need to ask.”

“And yet, I’m asking.”

“I—” Iruka feels his own face heat up. Mizuki never asks to scent him… and neither do any of the betas. It’s… nice, to be asked. “Yes, please, Hatake-san.”

“We’re pack, Iruka-sensei. Please call me Kakashi.”

“Oh. Um, okay. Kakashi-san.” Iruka nods, holding out his wrists. “You may.”

#whumptober2021 #no.5 #i've got red in my ledger #naruto #fic #abortion #pregnancy #abusive relationship #a/b/o au #lying #umino iruka #uzumaki naruto #hatake kakashi #mizuki #my writing

[sepublic]

Happy Birthday to The Owl House!

           Honestly, I’m… REALLY shocked to think back on how it’s been a year? It’s been a full, actual year, since that first episode?

           I remember when The Owl House was first announced around early 2018. Something about it, the premise, the characters from that one poster we got; It really drew me in, and I kept track of the show’s progress in eager anticipation. Whenever Dana released art of Luz, Eda, and King, I was ecstatic- And when the show was delayed to 2020, I was dismayed.

           Then we got our teaser trailer; The opening them, the end credits, even a little sneak peek! I remember speculating a lot about Luz and all of the other new characters we were introduced to, such as Willow, Amity, and Gus- And then we got more and more trailers in the days leading up to the show. I wondered about Luz’s home back on Earth and where her family was, I listened intently to the Hooty and the Parliament music video, finding an almost melancholic, weirdly nostalgic (despite having never watched the show yet) vibe to it- Whilst also avoiding looking at the screen and seeing all of the various clips it offered, because I wanted to be surprised! It was two years of anticipation, two years of wait for this show- I’d never looked forward to a series before like this, last I can recall… So having this content FINALLY come out, seeing these characters in animation, hearing their wonderful voices! My soul was vibing, it was time, it was coming after all this time…!

          Eventually I finished Infinity Train Book 2, the same day that The Owl House premiered… I was blindsided when I woke up to the first episode’s release online, in full- I was already planning to wait until later to watch it on television, so having it permanently accessible from the internet was such a pleasant surprise! And the show… The show, man- That premiere caught me off-guard with how much I enjoyed it! I knew I was looking forward to this show, but still…! It blew away my expectations, and even now, has continued to; It was like my personal investment and attention had paid off so patiently well! I even got a DisneyNOW subscription so I could watch each new episode ASAP, the day it premiered, hours before it aired on television!

           I remember scouring Tumblr before the show officially premiered, and there was understandably very little- A few pieces of fanart here or there. And when the show DID premiere, for a while there wasn’t really much of a fandom- There was barely anyone, in fact! But I can remember a few notable blogs who have been around since the beginning… Me, I got invested into this show. I found myself really enjoying Lumity as a ship, especially since I resonated with both characters in it; Luz was such a ball of sunshine that brightened my day, and Amity really spoke to me with her more introverted, top-scoring personality. When the show hit its mid-season hiatus, I remember not handling it too well, as I got impatient and frantic in my speculations- I wanted so badly to learn more about these characters, see what happened- Get a look at Emperor Belos (then known as Bellows by the fandom), etc.

          I wrote my Bile Coven piece in preparation for Halloween, even got to know a mutual or two over shared theorizing! I kept track of Dana’s updates, and even had people come to my blog, of all places, to send asks! It was and still has been such an engaging part of fandom for me… I recall impatiently waiting for the Owl Pellet shorts and freaking out over them- And when Adventures in the Elements leaked early? I LOST MY MIND, I remember postponing something I was supposed to go to, just so I could watch the episode- And it was so good! Then I started wondering and hoping the rest of Season 1 would come out, and well- It took a while…

          And when Season 1B’s trailer came out, I was all over it; Scouring every possible frame, freaking out over the Grom screenshot, and appreciating the influx of new fans! It was amazing to watch The Owl House go from a relatively minor and obscure fandom, to becoming so much more mainstream and populous! I got into Rebecca Rose’s channel, I began writing more meta and posts about the show, as well as little recaps for each new episode. I feel like my blog really took off from here, as I got to interact with more and more people who shared this mutual love of The Owl House, and I was so ecstatic to see more content and buzz about it!

           My mind was solely focused on The Owl House, it was one of my huge hyperfixations, even moreso than during Season 1A’s run- I remember being anxious about Enchanting Grom Fright, wondering if we’d get queerbaited… But NO, Amity was in love with Luz! She canonically had a crush on her, a girl in love with another girl- And I loved it because Lumity was a special comfort ship of mine! Then Amity was confirmed lesbian… It was amazing! And I found myself SO invested, so inspired by the show and its characters, and all of the little allusions to things, the foreshadowing, the moments here or there that made so much more sense after a new episode.

           This show inspired me creatively- It got me to write some of my personal favorite fanfics, and I was and still am so touched by whatever feedback I get from them! The Owl House really got me to write, to obsess over characters and analyze them, to look at motifs, to think about worldbuilding… It’s been such an artistically enriching experience, both the show and the fandom! I remember despairing so terribly when Agony of a Witch came out, the genuine betrayal I had when Lilith revealed the truth- Because I’d been legitimately endeared to her character beforehand, even formed a sort of ‘trust’ in a sense… And like many others, I agonizingly anticipated the season finale, the much-needed emotional reconciliation!

           I remember how the episode titles were revealed, bit by bit, and how I and others speculated on what they’d spell out! I remember when the fandom obsessed over the Witch’s Apprentice game and its relics, for clues and new lore after each episode, the little hints here or there! I was freaked out by characters like Belos, who lived up to my hopes and expectations- First being alluded to by name, then his amazing appearance… And then his voice and mannerisms and everything about him! And when the Season Finale came out…

           Well, there was relief. But there was a bittersweet emptiness- That it was over! The first season was over! There was a celebratory triumph, of course- We finally wrapped up the first, major arc of the show, the first batch of episodes that had been worked upon, the whole thing now unveiled and appreciated! But I was a little dismayed because a part of me KNEW a hiatus much longer than the previous one was ahead of me, and I did not handle the mid-season hiatus well. Of course, then Dana had her Reddit AMA, and the charity livestream; Both of which NOURISHED me creatively, and have helped to fill out the wait! To carry out my momentum, to not flounder about in hiatus; I invested myself into more meta, into various posts, etc. I read fanfiction that genuinely floored me, obsessed over fanart, etc.

           I supported the show’s release on Disney Plus, ecstatic to get this kind of ready access. I revisited past episodes and characters, looking at them in a new light, appreciating things; Like Luz’s relationship with fantasy… King’s surprising development, all of Eda’s little hints and clues. There’s been an emotional catharsis with these characters for me- And I genuinely feel like I’ve been a lot happier lately because of this show! I’ve met so many other blogs and gotten to know them, seen their ideas and displayed mine as we appreciated one another… I even remember doing another blog’s fanart prompt prior to the show’s release, in preparation!

           I feel like The Owl House has genuinely given me a new appreciation for meta, for fandom and analysis… For headcanons, for writing my own stories and contributing my own ideas and speculations, etc.! It’s contributed SO much joy to me as a hyperfixation, and rapidly risen through my blog as my most frequent tag! And even as I explore other fandoms and hyperfixations, both then and now, especially to pass on this crippling hiatus… This show holds a VERY special place in my heart for me. It’s really made me feel for these characters, the love and sadness, the excitement and sense of comfort… Its love and emotions, angst and found family, lore and speculation, it hits so hard to me in a way that other media hasn’t!

           It’s provided representation- Such as canonically queer characters, or protagonists who speak so well to the neurodivergent experience for many people! I’ve had delight in seeing people suggest Amity as autistic, when before Season 1B, I lowkey headcanoned and saw her as such- So seeing more evidence for this resonated deeply in my heart! I remember all of the discussion about King as a character, the confusion and talk about whether or not he WAS a King of Demons, when that first announcement in 2018 had made a similar claim… I looked forward to Eda and Lilith’s relationship, speculated on who cursed Eda, and remembered when I’d considered the Blights as a potential culprit! I remember thinking about Hooty, wondering what his deal is- And thinking then and now about that Owl Deity mural in the Owl House! Watching Luz’s development as a character and as a witch, seeing her become more proficient with magic until it finally pays off with her squaring up against Belos, and wounding him- I’d never felt so proud of a character and their progress before!

           There’s still so many more questions and mystery, lore… as well as just genuine character interactions, to look forward to! I think The Owl House is one of my favorite shows of all time… It’s deeply touched me as a person and creator, and I genuinely strive to create something even close to this one day. This show has inspired me, made me laugh and cry, compelled me to creatively make content; It’s introduced me to a wider fandom that I genuinely feel like a part of, had me meet other mutuals… It really is something special to me. And while I am eager for Season 2, I also want to appreciate what Dana Terrace and her crew have already established. I love this show’s art style and animation, the designs and overall weirdness of its characters- I love speculating and thinking about them, getting more and more details, and so forth.

           If it’s for a better product, I’m fine waiting for Season 2. And honestly, I love what we already have, and I’ve done a lot with so many people. I’ve even looked over supplementary materials and stuff posted by the crew or news articles, in my need for content… And I love every bit of update, art, and/or acknowledgement of the show’s hiatus, and Season 2’s development! There’s so much to look forward to… And there’s so much that I’ve enjoyed, after plenty of anticipation!

           Thank you @danaterrace, and everyone who worked on this- For everything. It really is crazy to reflect on this entire year, to realize it’s been a full year since that first episode, since that first premiere that lit up my world like Luz’s light spells; And it feels like such a milestone that we’ve reached! I look forward to what comes next, and I also intend to keep appreciating and cherishing what we’ve already gotten. Here’s to this show’s second year, people- It’s been such a journey to look back on and remember each step, each phase, each particular moment and stage… And I can only imagine what will come next! This show has SUCH a special place in my heart, and has made me feel in so many ways I haven’t before!

           Happy Birthday, The Owl House! You’ve earned it!

#the owl house #toh #owl house #the owl house luz #luz noceda #the owl house eda #edalyn clawthorne #the owl house king #lumity #happy birthday #dana terrace #ramblings #nostalgia #meta