#LIKE PLEASE LETS TALK FOREVER I FEEL ALIVE RN

[theblueflower05]

Nooo cause he is such a SUB like he just wants someone else to take responsibility and he can just relax and be held and loved like I just want to hold him in my lap and braid his hair for him it’s not even a want actually it’s NEED… I wanna take care of his wounds from hunting kissing each one before applying treatment… got me ranting again 🧍🏽‍♀️👀

I know, like it’s super common for writers to write dom male characters and I know it’s cause it’s like high demand but honestly I’m such a sucker for subby boys it’s such a crime how little sub boy content there is out there like such a crime I’mma bought to notify the horny police and let them know about it ‘leaves to go notify them’

Oooo girl I love that Tsireya is an Alpha I see it so clearly she’s all calm and sweet and collected but like don’t underestimate her cause she’s such a bad bitch under cover

No joke loved the gender rolls you broke Fr, even the like scene where Neteyam has reader pinned and he’s demanding her to say he’s a mighty warrior and she acknowledged that he’s a predator too

(You acknowledge that in him. See it. Stroke that vicious creature in his chest the way that no one else ever had.)

like i was crawling up the walls from that line it’s just so perfect. I love the fact she sees him as her equal too but wants to dominate the fuck out him like 👩🏽‍🍳🤌🏼

Throw it down cause I’m in the arena throwing all my love at you for throwing it DOOOWN. Telling me to keep talking and calling us best friends too I except the challenge ’cracks knuckles’

He’s so Subby it’s just repressed and I hate that for him lol like pls baby let someone take care of you!

Omg! Stop it! Why do I have a whole ass maladaptive say dream about what a nightly routine with Nete would look like:

He spends his whole day being useful. He’s a warrior, a hunter, a respected member of the community. He’s literally everywhere, always in movement, always helping someone.

So like.

When he gets home at night he’s dead tired.

And he’s such a whiny brat about it. Peeling off his battle band and groaning as he washes the grime of the day off.

He’d literally plop down into bed next to you face first.

Big grumpy cat. Sweetest boy.

He’s waiting for you to massage his shoulders and rub ointment on any of the various cuts and scapes he’s accumulated during the day.

WHEN I TELL YOU IM SO IN LOVE WITH OMEGA NETEYAM I CAN BARELY BREATHE.

Subby boys make the world go round. They need love and attention and cuddles. It’s all I’m gonna write about from now on tbh lol I’m obsessed

We are besties now babes. Gotta be best friends with all my moots that love Omega amen cause there only a few of us😭😭We gotta stick together

I just posed a tiny Lo’ak Omega drabble that like. I wanted to cry while writing. I love him so much. He’s such a sweet baby.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE I LOVE SO MUCH!?

YOU!

I WANNA PICK YOUR BRAIN AND CHAT ABOUT THIS FOREVER AND KISS YOU RIGHT ON THE LIPS!

#I love tumblr for this reason #finding people with similar interests? fucking priceless #LIKE PLEASE LETS TALK FOREVER I FEEL ALIVE RN

[lains-reality]

the hardest i keep trying to remain uninterested towards my thoughts and reaffirm that im awareness only and not the ego the more i feel angry that absolutely nothing is happening, not even feeling peace or fulfillment or anything, probably because i went into nd thinking its the same thing as loa and just wanting to get things but rn im done trying to convince myself that i dont care what my thoughts or my reality is, i dont know what to do about any of this anymore because ive read so much information (including the books ada shared) and now my brain feels fried and cant process shit i have no idea of where to go from here

firstly. take a break.

honestly, i've been thinking about honesty lol. i've realised that a lot of what i've been doing is to see a manifestation or feel love. but i never wanted to admit it. i might not ever have any """evidence""" for why i am pure awareness - my ego wants to understand. but i've moved on from trying to make it understand or convincing it. its perfectly fine as it is. it can walk, it can intelectualise (something that i actually want to stop doing with nd!), it can talk. thats okay with me. i don't want to demand or force anything more of it. i know what happens when i force my mind to do something, its a complete mess. i know that for the manifestations i want, that it requires me not to be a body-mind. it require something more. something timeless, boundless, etc. i cannot demand that from my body or mind. so i've decided to move past them, work with them when needed and soothe them when needed.

doing the inner work, depending on your ego, might be a thing you need to do (in fact i'd say that everyone needs to do it). its hard to just force yourself to disbelieve and detach. especially when forcing is not what you're supposed to do.

if you're in my inbox then you've read my posts, right?

so you see that i've recommended self inquiry before yes? and that i've put up books? you sound like you haven't read my posts? i've been reblogging so much and talked several times about no forcing!!

give yourself a chance. calm down. you're putting so much pressure on the body-mind to see your Self, BUT IT CAN'T, you are not that which you can observe!! you can't observe Self, THATS WHY THE MIND WILL NEVER GET IT! stop trying to force yourself to see your divinity, just appriciate the divinity you see now (you're literally ALIVE, breathing!! look at the world, you as Self created for YOU. Self fell in love with the character so much it forgot it was not it!!)

you're looking for some woo-woo magical experience that forever changes you - these ideas about enlightenment are not it. whatever ideas about enlightenment the mind had, throw it in the bin.

before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. after enlightenment - chop wood, carry water!! you'll be going through the world the same, except in how you see the world.

enlightenment is a destruction. its a destruction in how you see the world and yourself. that's it. in the end, you'll feel peace (as others have said so) but you're not there, are you? you're trying to get rid of ego through ego. stop.

you'll never know Self, until you see it yourself. this is through experiments and practise.

stop reading if its frying you're brain. you're entire ask can be solved by "ok i'm gonna take a break this is too much". please the answer to your questions is not some magical shit! this is why i've said before KEEP IT SIMPLE.

this goes to all anons now (not just you anon!) LEARN HOW TO EMOTIONALLY REGULATE YOURSELF. i might just make a big post on this or something.

reading

starting the journey

i've shared this too many times now

another regular article i share

disbelieve

how to let go of vanessa

i'm sorry more ada posts

another one

read this one

LEAVE VANESSA ALONE

#lainsmail #can you tell i'm holding back tears of anger #you're not incompetent YOU CAN DO IT #i mean this all lovingly anon

[gildeddlily]

we stan adam (paul bby what are you doing)[about to make this a series]

again with this. about to die because of them (chuuya looks so young in every Stormbringer art I'm crying)

(1. We Stan The Flags)

2. We stan Adam (Paul bby what are you doing)

he comes out of nowhere and pull out this (they were about to kill him and he was like "oh wow you're kinda mean I expected a better welcome")

ADAM STOP the first time I read stormbringer I fell in love with him right here. like the first thing he said I already was head over heels for this beautiful robot (people who don't like Adam scares me. he's so precious. the perfect assistant, fighter and comic relief)

chuuya's so hilarious- he's about to become one of the strongest character of the bsd universe and an european guy he doesn't know crash his mafia birthday party and ignores the attacks of some of the strongest people he knows, and then said guy proceeds to say that he's here to protect chuuya and kneels before him? (I'm already hearing chuuya's voice actor. it's a dream but let me indulge myself)

(me talking to my sister cause I'm a dumbass) yes I already said that, the flags' bond and interactions are so familiar it's making me cry. Albatross is the classic dumb cousin or little brother that deep down is smarter than you but incapable of doing basic things, and Lippmann the successful third-grade-cousin everybody hates cause he gave them inferiority complex (Iceman neutral chaotic forever)

Chuuya's the king of emotional constipation, and they love seeing him express his feelings (they've welcome him in their group and dynamic, and truly cherish him and wish the best for him. they're so honest it hurts) (everybody ab this thing hurts) (I just know that at least once they gang up against him and started showering him with compliments and he almost cried and they were flabbergasted)

HELLO WHAT IS THIS Doc is literally so me guys (yk the voice) wish I was Chuuya rn (not really considering what's about to happen) (but still)

yeah cause Chuuya near him is like a cat hissing at a horse. I can understand Adam for holding him like and Amazon pack, not for saying to a teenage boy's face that he was short but for the rest ofc (he has his programs and he knows what to do but not really and it's so cute) (Chuuya after a year still wishing for his so wished growth spurt is sad) (but I just know that he doesn't care about it, at least not really. he could still smash someone's face with his pinky finger)

Yes Adam it was (I wish for our society to be ruled by robots too) (imagine Adam being your prime minister. maybe someone explains to him social clues) (Chuuya's so confused) (random robot guy tells him jokes and that some overpowered guy wants to kill him)

...Paul fuck is this the way to tell someone you're their "brother" ? A little of decency please (Chuuya's about to suffer so much I can't continue) (I will) Adam's scream was a little terrifying the first time I read it, the "That man is Paul Verlaine!" shout made me shiver and still does. Still love them

The sad thing about this first interaction, is that Verlaine is honestly sad "like the sea at night", and honestly wants Chuuya to believe him, he truly thinks of themselves as anything but humans. He doesn't do it out of malice (one of the reason he's still alive down those fucking dungeons I know it) and it all makes hating on him hard. If you're able to hate characters like verlaine I envy you

It is a call for help, and his personal way of saying "Hey, I've never felt understood by anyone cause I'm not human and I don't feel as one, wanna come with me and be two non-humans together?", but it came out a little bit more like "Let's be non-humans together, but anyone who ever tried to tell u you were human should die, so everyone you love rn. Hope you don't hate me, kiss kiss"

here is why I didn't want to read it. he is ready to listen to Verlaine. Chuuya doesn't think of himself as truly human, so he wants to listen to him, but his first thought is about the Flags, and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the french guy didn't kill his friends. got to thin ab it now

yes, darling, there's a difference between love and control. I'm sorry no one ever explained it to you, you boyfriend didn't have the possibility to. and like always Asagiri's able to portrait questions like this in his stories, cause it's a difference not everyone understand. or that not everyone cares about. Verlaine probably didn't really care, desperate how he was about having someone to understand him

this makes me hate every panel where Chuuya uses Corruption (hate on Mori, don't hate on Dazai he was the only one to ever give him a choice. well, it was at least a choice from Dazai's point of view. he was like "do what you want, I don't really care if the Mafia fall! just follow your heart<3" but ofc Chuuya would have never let dazai and the Mafia fall. as if. it's still sweet. now cry with me)

He should leave himself suffer and feel. he's not going to. he should. able to dream or not, he will have from hallucinations when drunk or high or whatever situation he's in and see their mauled bodies. he will always remember the room he spent beautiful moments with his family in as covered with the blood of said family.

this is basically self harm bby, stop it. he wants someone to confirm the truth, and is so horrible to himself to ask this to an android (what's thaaaaaaaat) who is unable to say something like "It wasn't your fault, he was to one to kill them. he's more powerful than you, you and your friends couldn't have done anything. he wanted you to give up on your life for someone you met from not even ten minutes. he had already killed them", the truth. he can only analyze the situation without any emotions.

little thing from the first scene at the bar, albatross making period jokes to his bro (he's about to die in his "bro" arms. he's about to gift him his bike as his last words. but he made a period joke)

(first chapter done and I'm done with myself) (and this light novel) (it's everything but light)

#stormbringer #bsd light novel #chuuya nakahara #bsd chuuya nakahara #the flags #bsd storm bringer #bsd #bungou stray dogs #random thoughts #shut up #love tumblr tags #soukoku #paul verlaine

[ohmyitsfaith]

Little survivor

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Fem!Reader

Summary: “[...] Just anything fluffy between five and fem!reader would do. I’ve been feeling very much into Dad!Five scenarios lately cuz I feel like him and the reader being parents post-apocalypse is such an unexplored concept. But also I wouldn’t mind just a simple sweet fic where Five gets shown a lot of love and adoration for once especially in a scenario where he’s insecure about whether or not he deserves the reader’s love and she reassures him.” - Requested by anonymous

Warnings: slight angst, talks of pregnancy, some swearing(?)

Word count: 1.8k

A/n: I saw this today and decided to try to do something with it, since I’m currently experiencing my once in a half year baby fever. So yk, this was perfect for me rn. And I hope that despite all the pregnancy talk, many people will enjoy a very adorable and loving Dad!Five.

Five never expected to find love. Hell, he didn’t even think he deserved it. After all, he did get himself stuck in this mess. It was all his fault, wasn’t it?

Well, his wife doesn’t think so. Good God, just the word makes his heart beat faster. His wife… He honestly still can’t believe it. Him, formerly Number Five, now Five Hargreeves, having a wife? His siblings and his younger self would flip! But it’s true. He has you and he loves you more than anything.

He met you after around fifteen or so years. At the time he was shocked to see another human being alive after the apocalypse. But you were there in all your glory. At first, he didn’t particularly like you, but it was better to have you around than suffer from loneliness. God, was he thankful for not giving up on you! Because after a year of knowing you, he finally admitted his feelings not only to himself but to you as well. And like a miracle, you told him you felt the same way. Oh, the joy he felt in his heart! Not to mention the day when you got married. Of course, it was a bit weird since there wasn’t anyone to officiate, but it was real and official to the both of you.

“Five, do you swear to be there for me through thick and thin?” you asked, smiling.

“I do. Y/n, do you swear to be there for me, when shit hits?” he asked, making you giggle.

“I do” you nodded and grabbed the metal band that Five found a few weeks back. “I promise to love and cherish you even after you get us out of this mess, until we die.”

“I promise to love you forever and get us out of this mess as soon as possible” he slipped the metal band on your finger as well.

“So…” you looked at your intertwined hands. “We’re married?”

“Yep” he chuckled and pulled you in for a sweet kiss.

You giggled into the kiss, not being able to contain your happiness.

“Stop” Five pulled away, laughing as well.

“I can’t” you laughed, full chest. “This is simultaneously the most amazing and the most ridiculous thing!”

You had to sit down on the mattress, your laughing seeming endless. Five watched you for a bit, chuckling as well, then joined you on the mattress, pulling you close to him and letting you laugh into his chest.

And honestly, thinking back, Five shouldn’t have been so shocked about the news months later that you were pregnant. You spent numerous nights awake, surrounded by passion. The only reason he didn’t think about it (and that’s the only excuse he has), is that your periods were so few and far between, that he didn’t think it was even possible. And you had to give it to him, he was right.

“What are we gonna do?” you asked, holding your stomach.

“I don’t know” Five sighed, heart heavy with anxiety.

“Five…” your voice wavered which made him look up. “What if neither I nor the baby will survive this?”

Five’s heart dropped and he was next to you in the blink of an eye. His arms went around your shoulders, pulling you in.

“Don’t say that, please Y/n” his throat closed up, but he tried to get the words out. “You’ll be alright. You have to be. You’re a healer, you’ll be okay.”

“I’m scared” you whispered, the tears escaping from behind your eyelids.

He held you that night, letting you cry on his chest.

It was a rough couple of months after that. Five worked extra hard to get you enough food and water, not to mention clothes as the weather turned to fall, then to winter. He was constantly worried about your well-being and hoped that everything was gonna go well. He probably would’ve been more sad about missing stuff normal couples got if the two of you hadn’t been stuck in the post-apocalyptic world.

But every time the baby moved around in you, both of you felt a wave of relief wash over you. You had to admit it wasn’t the most comfortable or ideal thing (as in being pregnant in the post-apocalypse) but the result was always worth it.

Delivering your son was a stress and keeping him safe and alive was even a bigger one, but after two years, you couldn’t be happier to see him happy and healthy. And Five was happier too. He loved his son and he loved playing with him when he wasn’t working on the equation to get you home. Five adored the little survivor just as much as his son adored him.

So it wasn’t a shock when his first word was���

“Dad!” your son squealed when Five came back from his resource search.

“My little crumb!” Five smiled and picked up the toddler, hugging him close to himself. “You said your first word! How amazing is that!”

“He’s been saying it so much today” you sighed. “Yet he refused to say ‘mom’.”

“Well clearly he has a favorite” Five looked at you, his eyes sparkling.

“And clearly he’s not the only one” you teased as Five immediately started playing with your son.

“Aw, don’t be like that” he pulled you in with his free hand. “I love the both of you the same.”

“Yeah, yeah” you dismissed with a smile and Five rolled his eyes before finally pressing a kiss to your lips. “How was it?” you asked as you pulled away, referring to his search.

“It was okay. I found food and water” he said, putting your son down to let him run around.

“Anything for him?”

“Nope” he sighed. “I’m not sure if we’ll even find anything in this wasteland. We really need to get out of here before he becomes a kid, or even worse, a teen. It’s gonna be really hard then.”

“I know, but you’re doing so good with the equation.”

“Yeah, but not good enough.”

“Five, we’ve talked about this” you warned lightly, grabbing ahold of your son, who once again wanted to climb the fireplace. “You’re doing really good and we will get out of here. I believe that.”

“I know and thank you love” he pressed a kiss to your cheek.

“Always, my love” you smiled.

“Come here my little crumb” he switched up and took your son out of your hands. “Have you been good today?” he pressed kisses to his little head, making him laugh. “Did you behave when mom asked you to?”

You smiled as you watched them start their daily playing session, happy that as usual, they seemed to be perfectly in sync with each other. Oh, if anyone would know the love you held for your two special boys… your heart was so filled with love and appreciation for them. They made your world so much brighter and you were happy to have them by your side. You just hoped that you would have a chance at a normal life with your little family. And honestly? You wouldn’t mind a second child.

Now that thought sent your heart racing. You have thought about it for a couple of months now. Five was the most amazing dad you’ve ever seen and you just wanted to see him happy like this all the time. The only thing stopping you was the world around you. You didn’t want another pregnancy if you were going to just suffer through it and not get the joy other people in a normal environment do.

Still, you can’t help but wonder if Five would like it.

“I was thinking” you started as Five pulled you closer to him one night.

“Hm?” he hummed, signaling that he was paying attention.

“Well…” you stuttered. “As I watched you play with our son, a thought popped into my head.”

“What was it?” he asked, watching as you nervously played with his hand.

“I… uh…” you took a big breath, swallowing your anxiety. “I would really like us to have another kid.”

You felt Five stiffen and your heart began racing with anxiety. You had to say something else.

“Of course not now or anything because like we’re still in the post-apocalypse, but like once we’re safe and at home? Like… it’s just… I love how you interact with our son and I want you to have more fun you’re such an amazing dad, it’s a joy to see you. And my heart is always so happy to see you happy and seriously, you’re just so loving. Our son adores you and you clearly adore him as well and I adore you both and I just…” you couldn’t ramble on as Five pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, but wet kiss.

Wet? Was he… crying?

“Five?” you pulled away from him, scared you upset him or something. “Did I… did I say something wrong?”

“No” he sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “Oh God no, baby. I’m just so incredibly happy that you would want another kid with me…” he cleared his throat and grabbed your hands. “Do you really want that? Are you serious?”

“Yeah” you nodded, your heart calming down and eyes softening. “Of course, I want that. I love you so much Five…”

“Thank you” he buried his face in your shoulder and you could feel a wet spot quickly spread.

You wrapped your arms around him, pulling him as close to you as you could. You ran your hand up and down his back, soothing him, but not interrupting his crying. You knew what this was about and you knew he needed this.

“Thank you” he whispered as he calmed down.

“I will always” you started, lifting his head so he met your eye, “always love you Five. You’re the love of my life and having kids with you is a dream come true.”

“I don’t deserve you” he whispered.

“You deserve me and you deserve so much more my love. You deserve our son and you deserve more love than this. You deserve the world Five and you deserve to be happy” you said, caressing his face. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more” he leaned in and pressed a sweet kiss to your lips. “I’ll figure out how to get us home soon, I promise you.”

“I believe you. Now let’s sleep, alright?”

“Alright” Five nodded and kissed you once more before laying down and pulling you close to him.

Life wasn’t easy in the post-apocalypse, but having a spouse helped tremendously. And having a kid to take your mind off of the weird situation and help with the anxiety as well. Maybe life wasn’t great, but the little family you now have? You wouldn’t change that for anything.

[Masterlist]

#five hargreeves x reader #five hargreeves x you #five hargreeves x y/n #the umbrella academy x reader #the umbrella academy x you #the umbrella academy x y/n #the umbrella academy five #tua x reader #tua x you #tua x y/n #tua five

[twinstarlovers]

You know… I’m wondering if I’m meant to 100% like disconnect from you not literally but like from here & shit like not post. In a way I refuse to but I wonder if it’s like an attachment thing. I don’t want to stop posting here. I think part of it is me people pleasing cus I’m caring about your feelings & I don’t want you to feel like I don’t care or whatever or I’m just moving on. It feels as if I’m doing you dirty basically. Plus my libra ass doesn’t feel like risking getting my ass beat from the universe but also I don’t want to leave because I like it here but I’m literally talking to a ghost but still. You a cute ghost 🥹👻. Anyways, since I have attachment issues.. I think this is like the final lesson (not like ever but for rn) like to fully detach from you but still loving myself outside of here. I’m still loving you.. just not showing you by living my life in peace & shit & not self sabotaging. I’m kinda sad cus I don’t want to leave. I think it’s lowkey lack of trust in the universe too because I feel like if I detach then I won’t have you. I don’t have you but this account is what I have that’s close enough to you. I wanna cry rn omg. This is so sad. I know the universe will bring us back & shit but it’s more scary not posting because it’s like I’m forgetting about you & if I’m forgetting about you then you won’t come back. I had this similar experience when I first had to let go of your ghost, I still remember that day. You were gone but I was still living w your ghost & that was the only thing keeping me somewhat sane. I didn’t want to let go even tho you were already gone. 321 but why am I lowkey crying. It feels like a goodbye or sum. I know my ass is gonna have to delete the tumblr app to stay away. Im doing well tho. Did womb healing today. Very intense, lots of tears. This situationship is good too. He’s great but he’s not you so it makes me feel detached. I feel like I could fall in love if you didn’t exist. I’m working on my trust issues w this guy. He’s great but I think that’s what triggers me. Especially because all I’ve ever attracted was shitty people, it’s confusing energy like for someone to be genuine. Even tho there’s a lot of ‘firsts’ w him, it’s better this way because the ‘firsts’ are not the best because of my wounded self & the universe & I wouldn’t want to put you through that. I wish I could feel more but I do not but I think that’s my sacral chakra which is the reason for me doing womb healing. I feel like shit tho posting on here & talking to him cus I feel like I’m cheating lol. I ain’t cheating cus I’m talking to me ☝🏼🙄. Anyways I am pretty sad now. I like to come on this account & just re read shit or see the videos that I posted as a form of comfort but as you can see it’s also some sort of attachment. My friend be like “let him goooo” & in my head I’m like… I’m not meant to but she’s right like I gotta let you go by not posting you & stuff like I can’t actuallyyyyy let go if I wanted to. In a way I’m being delusional cus I’m not actually talking to you but then I always feel like I am because I lowkey am so that doesn’t necessarily make me delusional, it makes me intuitive? Idkkkk but yeah I have to say goodbye now.

I hope to talk/see you very soon. Ima always miss you & want you forever & don’t let me not posting or me detaching make you think otherwise. You gotta remember our purpose Lamo ☝🏼🪐. Lamo gotta be a strong boy 💪🏼🧸. I’ll be a strong girl for you too 💪🏼💓. It us FOREVER ❤️‍🔥. You know I promise to do the work cus I wanna be w you. These situationships have NUN on you 🫵🏻🙄🤚🏼, they ain’t mamo & they never will be ☝🏼😒 but this account ain’t gonna die. I’ll come back when the time is right. This account for da books 📚💞🎞️ soooo hell yeah I’m coming back. Take care of our account for me tho 🥺🙏🏻. I’ll take care of Goresi, Mamosi, Chickira & the bunny. Maybe not Goresi 🙄. I’ll keep her alive tho 🤷🏻‍♀️. Stay safe 🫵🏻🥺💖. Kissies & huggies for dovey always ♥️. I love you forever ❤️‍🔥 my lovely twin.

Bye bye Lamo Mamo 👋🏼🥺🧸💗.

[niccino-apino]

I just wanna sleep forever. I have a love-Hate relationship with life, at times I wanna die, at time I'm glad that I'm alive. But since Face-2-Face is next week I wanna die rn. I'm too dumb, I hate it, I wanna be erased from existence. I wanna live in a universe where there's no covid, if there wasn't covid I would probably still be smart rn. I don't even know how to divide yet, that's how dumb I am. Stupid, utterly ridiculous, useless, worthless, I am a failure. I fail almost EVERYONE. I hate myself so much, just poof me out of existence. I will fail everyone I love. I wanna die.

Or do I need someone to reassure me? Someone to not be annoyed with me? Someone who's patient? Someone who treats me like an actual child? Someone to provide comfort. Love. Not neglecting me, ever since I got my period my parents started treating me differently, they tell me I should already know this, I should already know that since I'm big now, then they say, youre too young to know that! Youre too young to do that! It just confuses me. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems tho, it's my problem. No one can help me. I get suicidal thoughts. I don't want to tell anyone, I'm too afraid they might judge me. I hate being judged, or am I being dramatic? That's what they always say. "your so dramatic!" or when I'm feeling ACTUALLY happy they say "Your too hyper now!" I don't want to be controlled by people I almost don't trust.

Everytime I tell her something, she says "You should study instead of doing that" why did she even mention school? What I said was nowhere near my studies. In fact, not at all! I just want someone where I can share my thoughts with them. Where I want to feel included, I'm too dumb, too selfish, too worthless, too useless, and too lazy. I can't even do somethings by myself! That's how lazy I am! I hate it. I want all of this to end. I wanna rest peacefully. When I finally get into an accident/kms I will write "Don't mourn me, be happy I'm not there anymore." I just want my family to be happy. No problems, just a normal loving family. I hate and love them. The only thing keeping my sanity is the things I love: Fanfictions, games, my dogs, food, and online friends. The only thing that's closest to a real friend to me is my classmates, and my neighbors. I don't talk to them anymore tho, I'm afraid they might get annoyed. I think I should suffer for the pain I have caused others. I don't wanna make anyone sad angry. I wanna be free from this hell hole. I wanna show my true emotions, I always have to bottle them up or else I might be judged. I love them all tho.

I wanna be happy. Let me be happy please.

#Vent #I hate myself #I wanna kms #i just want to cry #i just want peace

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA: 

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM” THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

OH

MY

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS” PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...

#bnha 322 #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bakudeku #uraraka ochako #class 1-a #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #IF I COULD REACH THE STARS #I'D GIVE THEM ALL TO YOU #IF I COULD TURN BACK TIIIIIIIIME

[eternal-armin]

love themes and my reasons behind them

sorry for so many headcanons and not enough drabbles but work and school have me fucked up rn xx

jean

seaside_demo SEB ⇆ㅤ ||◁ㅤ❚❚ㅤ▷||ㅤ ↻

✧･ﾟ: it's the kind of touch and romance i associate with this strange french man ✧･ﾟ: i can just hear him saying that cupid shot him when he asks you out bye ✧･ﾟ: come on it just SOUNDS like him (not words but composition and music) ✧･ﾟ: would play this for you, it's your guys' song

sasha

Stella Brown Jelani Aryeh ⇆ㅤ ||◁ㅤ❚❚ㅤ▷||ㅤ ↻

✧･ﾟ: the cute kind of puppy love i oft associate with our potato girl ✧･ﾟ: fantastical and sweet ✧･ﾟ: awkward but really affectionate type of vibes, with just a hint of "i dont deserve you but im trying" ✧･ﾟ: she gets very nervous around you and thinks of only you, it was at its most potent in the first few weeks you were together

armin

Love On Top Beyoncé ⇆ㅤ ||◁ㅤ❚❚ㅤ▷||ㅤ ↻

✧･ﾟ: hear me out; armin would love 2000's-2010's r&b ✧･ﾟ: this man is so passionate about you, you're his favorite person and he will let you know ✧･ﾟ: where does he feel his best? with you ✧･ﾟ: and he will make sure that you feel your best with him ✧･ﾟ: you are his world and everything else

levi

The Weight Amber Run ⇆ㅤ ||◁ㅤ❚❚ㅤ▷||ㅤ ↻

✧･ﾟ: a melancholy-sounding song with tender lyrics ✧･ﾟ: this is what your love is ✧･ﾟ: tender, sweet, passionate, affectionate, caring, laced with melancholy expectation ✧･ﾟ: the saddest entry and im sorry about that ✧･ﾟ: he wants you above everything else, but more than that, he wants you to live- he would do anything to keep you alive

hange

Living Island Pogo ⇆ㅤ ||◁ㅤ❚❚ㅤ▷||ㅤ ↻

✧･ﾟ: this song doesn't have any actual lyrics but it's such a cheerful and expressive song i had to ✧･ﾟ: a hint of chaos because...... it's hange we're talking about here come on ✧･ﾟ: this song makes me feel a nostalgia for something i've never experienced and that's kind of what they equate to being with you. an intense happiness that transcends time, space, and reality

mikasa

Pancakes for Dinner Lizzy McAlpine ⇆ㅤ ||◁ㅤ❚❚ㅤ▷||ㅤ ↻

✧･ﾟ: PLEASE miss ma'am over here took forever to confess ✧･ﾟ: you never thought someone like her would ever like you so you just brushed off her advances ✧･ﾟ: she was dedicated to you before you even said yes to her asking you out ✧･ﾟ: never oversteps boundaries and overthinks when it comes to love

#jean kirstein #jean x reader #sasha x reader #sasha braus #levi ackerman #levi x reader #armin x reader #armin arlert #hange zöe #hange x reader #mikasa ackerman #mikasa x reader #aot headcanons #music fic? #love theme headcanons #snk headcanons

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

#ask #text #diary #personal #my art #miss

[justletmeplayminecraft]

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes Mumbo will find himself frozen in place, struck down with fear and doubt.

He'll find his mind echoing with the "but what if" and "you're not good enough to stop them leaving" and he'll begin to lose his vision as his eyes become clouded with tears.

He'll take out his communicator and, with shaking hands, send a message into chat;

<MumboJumbo>: Hey I need some reassurance, could someone stop by?

And the hermits will always stop by. Sometimes just one, sometimes many, but he'll always get at least one hermit at his side in a matter of minutes.

"It's okay" they'll tell him. "We'd never abandon you" they'll say.

"Wherever we go, you'll always be welcome. Until the end of time."

oh my gosh this is so good ;-; hold on lemme see what i can write

warnings for self-doubt, fear of abandonment, implied anxiety attack

Mumbo knows what caused it this time. A combination of late nights, feedback on the HCBBS and being in Scar's base. Everywhere he looks is an incredible creation, more amazing than he could ever hope to achieve. He's felt the thoughts building over the past few days, shoving them down as deeply as he can. Which is always a mistake.

Ironically, it all spills over when he's looking at those same tiny mushrooms that excited him so much before. It's just so clever! It's so smart! And it's something Mumbo would never think to do. He's not smart like this, doesn't have Scar's creativity. He has no idea why the hermits keep him around when they could have more people like Scar. Probably because they know he has nowhere else to go, because they're good people and-

No, no. He tries to remember Xisuma's advice. He needs to breathe. Don't spiral. Long breath in, hold, long breath out. In, hold, out. His vision is blurry, eyes stinging with tears.

He keeps that mantra in his head as he pulls out his communicator. Hands trembling, he manages to navigate to the global chat. He doesn't bother reading the previous messages.

<MumboJumbo> csb somebody come over? need somrone rn

<Xisuma> mumbo? where are you?

<GoodTimeWithScar> Mumbo?

<ZombieCleo> where are you mumbo?

<MumboJumbo> msgic village

<ZombieCleo> omw

<Xisuma> let me know if you need back up

<ZombieCleo> will do.

By the time Mumbo hears rockets overhead, he's curled into the base of a tree. The bark presses hard against his back, his face hidden in his knees. He focuses on his breathing. All of those thoughts are blocked out of his head. He knows they're stupid, he knows. The hermits must be so tired of this by now-

"Mumbo." A voice calls, derailing that notion. "Where are you?" He raises his head, rubbing his eyes with a sniffle.

"I'm over here." Mumbo's voice shakes as much as the rest of him. There's a crunching of grass, and he flinches when he hears a twig snap. Soon enough, a wave of red hair falls in front of him, Cleo crouching to his level. She has a gentle smile that is in such contrast to her usual sarcasm.

"Hey, Mumbo. You want to go inside?" He nods. He can't quite find the words to say, so he accepts Cleo's hand as she pulls him to his feet. His suit is crumpled, pulling in all the wrong places and it only feels more stifling. Cleo walks with purpose, searching each building until she finds one that's mostly liveable, with a fair amount of grumbling about Scar and chestmonsters.

It is nicer inside the house. She sits him down on an old sofa, ruffling through already messy locks. The suit jacket is discarded and laid carefully over an armchair. Mumbo tucks his feet onto the edge of the sofa, wrapping his arms around long legs. A blanket is soon wrapped around his shoulders. Mumbo snuggles into it, disappearing until he's a head and two black socks in a pile of blue fabric.

"There you go, do you want some tea?" Mumbo nods. Tea sounds nice right now. He gets a good hair ruffle before Cleo vanishes in search of the kitchen. He can still hear her moving around, cursing under her breath as she tries to navigate Scar's overflowing storage. Mumbo laughs softly, more air than noise. He closes his eyes, resting his chin on his knees.

Cleo's good to him. She came here so quickly, like she often does. If not Cleo, then it would've been another hermit. They always drop everything to come help him. He just- is he really worth that effort? He doesn't do anything in return for them. Maybe it was a mistake calling someone over, he should've just dealt with this on his own, they're going to get frustrated he keeps doing this-

"Mumbo," Cleo calls. Mumbo blinks as he finds himself back in reality. "I can hear your thoughts from here. Do you want honey in your tea?" Mumbo squeezes his fingers into the soft material of the blanket, listening to a distant kettle boil. He breathes in a scent similar to a library. Something old, with a hint of magic.

"Yeah, honey would be nice."

"Got it!" He occupies his mind by looking around the room, naming each of the things he can see. There's a bookshelf against one of the walls. The top two shelves are decorated by various trinkets. Little statues and toys, sentimental items that Mumbo doesn't know the meaning of. The bottom shelves are filled with books from various designers. Scar showed him some recently, pouring over the art with a bright grin. Mumbo hung onto every word he said. A solitary redstone book sits amongst them, and Mumbo huffs an amused breath.

When Cleo returns, he's looked at the curtains, one of them pulled tied open, the forgotten mugs on the coffee table, the various doodles scattered in sheets of paper, the plants that are somehow alive and Cleo, who isn't. She smiles, passing Mumbo the mug. He curls his hands around it, pleased the heat isn't unbearable.

"So which ones do I need to fight this time?" She asks. Mumbo chuckles. The blanket has slipped further back so his hands can stick out.

"You don't need to fight anything," he replies. Cleo crosses her arms, dropping into the space next to him.

"Really?" He looks into the steaming tea. Cold isn't a problem in the jungle, not during the day. But the heat is a good grounding point. Though he could get lost in the way the steam catches the light, shimmering white patterns painted in the air.

"It's the usual," he finally concedes. "With some added 'I'm only bothering you and you're all going to get tired of needing to help me.' You know." Cleo hums. She does know. Mumbo sometimes wishes his doubts would get more adventurous, and then remembers what a terrible idea that would be.

"Do you have the book?" She asks. Mumbo shakes his head.

"I think I left it in my- no, Scar's base." He would usually keep his book of affirmations in his enderchest, but he was a bit flustered with the whole move. He thinks he left it under his pillow.

"I'll ask Scar to bring it over later."

"You don't-" She gives him a look. "Okay. Thank you," he amends. Taking a sip of the tea, he sighs. Cleo knows just how he likes it. The honeyed taste is a much-needed treat.

"So, you know what I'm going to say?"

Mumbo smiles, telling her, "Say it anyway."

"Mumbo, you could be the biggest spoon in the world, and we'd still keep you around, right?" Mumbo laughs, falling into the script with ease.

"Right."

"You're our family. We don't care if you don't achieve these incredible feats, though you do, by the way. We're lucky to have you here, and it makes me smile everytime I see what you're up to. Big or small." He hides his wet smile behind a sip of tea. There's no hiding the tears gathering in his eyes. "Mumbo, you're an amazing person, alright? The best annoying baby brother I could ask for. Wherever we go, you can come with us. As long as you want to."

"And if that's forever?"

"Then it's forever. And I'll consider myself lucky everyday you decide to stick around." Mumbo sinks back into the sofa, finally letting go of the tension he was subconsciously holding. "Right. Now let me read all the chat messages."

Mumbo laughs, reaching up to wipe his eyes, "Seriously?"

"We care about you, you dork." Cleo sits forward, holding her communicator up. She takes a deep breath, continuing in her best gameshow voice, Mumbo laughing the moment she speaks, "And first up, we have Xisuma! Asking me to tell you that he cares about you and he's always here if you ever need to talk." Mumbo settles back, a wide grin on his face, content to listen.

-

Cleo carefully takes the mug from Mumbo's hands, the redstoner offering no resistance as he yawns. His eyes are half open, blinks growing longer every time. She brushes hair from his face, gently lying him down until he's resting in her lap.

"There you go," she soothes. Mumbo quietly rearranges, hugging Cleo's legs. "You've done so well. You can rest now." Mumbo's sleepy hum brings a smile to her face.

She watches as Mumbo's breath evens out, his body growing heavier on her. She carefully tucks the corner of the blanket in before pulling out her communicator, snapping a quick photo.

<ZombieCleo shared a photo>

<ZombieCleo> mission successful

<Xisuma> :-D

<Stressmonster101> awwwwwwww <3

<iskall85> some much needed sleep i'd say

<GoodTimeWithScar> I'll be over with the book when I find it

<ZombieCleo> don't worry, i think he'll be out for a while lol

She smiles at her communicator and the lanky redstoner in her lap. There are very few sights that warm her undead heart more than this. She leans back, and settles in for however long Mumbo needs her.

#hc #mumbo #cleo #my writing #ask #scarred-but-still-smiling #i feel like i should maintag this because i like it #but also. no. jkjggfd #but yeah i had to write this #the image was very vivid in my mind

[writers-block246]

Sex with the Batboys Hc

Jason:

* One kinky mf

* I feel like he would be down to experiment with a lot of things (like choking, breath play, handcuffs, etc)

* Honestly, mans probs has a daddy kink

* Nothing that would hurt you tho

* He’s experienced enough pain in his life and doesn’t want to inflict that on you

* He doesn’t mind a little pain, tho (like scratches down his back)

* He can be rough, especially when he’s had a bad day or when the memories become too much for him

* On those days, he’ll pin you against the wall or the bed and fuck you senseless

* He loves to dirty talk, especially during times like these

* “You take my cock so well, Princess”

* “Look at you, being so good for daddy, babygirl”

* “You’re mine”

* He also enjoys eating you out. He likes to get you off at least twice

* He also doesn’t mind switching roles

* He’ll totally be a sub if you want him too (and he likes it)

* Riding him with a hand around his throat is always an experience

* He’s very vocal, too, and he’s not afraid to hide it

* But he is a romantic at heart

* Don’t tell his brothers tho

* So he enjoys soft, meaningful sex, too

* Sometimes he’ll quote Shakespeare in your ear

* Always tells you how beautiful you are

* Dude is huge (like 6’4”)

* Probs has a size kink

* Likes seeing how small you look beneath him

* Also, he’s covered in scars from his nightly activities, so he doesn’t shy away from yours

* Will press kisses against them

* He’s lowkey possessive because sm has been taken from him, so he enjoys leaving hickeys where others can see them

* If someone flirts with you, this possessiveness comes out and he’ll fuck you roughly later that night

* He might even finger you under the table so the person who was flirting with you knows who you belong to

* Jason loves when you beg

* Will go multiple rounds

* Btw bro is hung. Red Hood doesn’t have big dick energy for nothing

* Likes cuddling after sex

* Prefers when you are curled up on his chest with your face in his neck

Dick:

* Dick’s always touchy and flirty, and this transfers over to the bedroom

* He always has his hands on you, no matter what

* He just likes to reassure himself that you’re alive and with him

* Constant flirting, as mentioned above

* “Are you my math homework? Because I wanna slam you down and do you all night long”

* *insert wink*

* “Dick, we are literally having sex rn”

* His cheesy flirtations and jokes never fail to make you laugh

* Lots of fun, giggly sex

* Sex is so easy with him

* He makes you feel so comfortable

* And those pretty baby blue eyes make you want to risk it all

* Mf is also kinky af

* Will try anything once

* Loves handcuffs and blindfolds, and will use toys

* Definitely a bit of an exhibitionist, as he enjoys the spotlight and lives to perform

* Likes to be risky

* Public sex occurs often

* He’s a switch, so he’s down for anything, depending on your mood

* He used to be an acrobat, so his flexibility is amazing

* You have a lot of fun with this knowledge

* You watching how gracefully he can move

* He’s legit so beautiful it hurts

* Hella good stamina

* Dick’s a sweetheart, so he’ll whisper sweet nothings into your ear

* “You’re so beautiful”

* “I love you so much”

* While sex is usually lighthearted, he does like to have meaningful sex, too

* He likes to show you how much you mean to him

* He has a thing for fingering you

* Like Jason, he wants to get you off a few times

* Loves the facial expressions and noises you make

* Encourages you to moan for him

* “That’s it, baby”

* Will kiss you right before you cum

* He likes cumming together

* It makes the experience more special to him

* He’s not huge down there, he’s pretty average actually

* But he knows how to use it

* Love love loves to cuddle after sex

* Will be the big or little spoon he legit doesn’t care

* Likes to play with your hair until you fall asleep

Damian: (aged up obvs)

* Because of his background growing up, he’s very new to the whole dating and affection thing

* As a result, he will constantly ask if you are doing okay or if he needs to stop/change what he’s doing

* He is somewhat nervous at first, but he’s a quick learner so it isn’t long before he has your likes and dislikes memorized

* Once he becomes comfortable and more assured in what he’s doing, he becomes a lot more confident

* His newly found confidence and dark looks quickly get you hot and bothered

* Those beautiful eyes of his become dark and clouded with lust and it’s so sexy

* Will literally go down on you whenever you want

* He’s likes receiving, too, but he’s always gentle when guiding you

* Damian didn’t receive a lot of affection as a child, so he relishes in it during sex

* He loves soft and meaningful sex

* He just enjoys intimacy

* You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and sometimes he has a hard time showing it

* So, sex allows him to show you how much you mean to him

* “You are everything to me, Beloved”

* “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Habibi”

* He likes seeing your face as you two are making love

* He’s constantly watching your expressions to make sure you’re okay

* Will whisper in different languages to you

* He has a tendency to tell you how beautiful you are in Arabic

* Damian always keeps his eyes on yours as he’s thrusting into you

* He will tell you how much he loves you as he cums

* His breathless words always make butterflies erupt in your stomach

* Enjoys leaving lovebites on you (like Jason, he’s got a little bit of a possessive streak)

* He might keep them hidden tho

* He might let you dom him if he really trusts you

* He’s obvs hung, too. I mean he’s pretty much genetically perfect

* This comes with amazing stamina

* When he’s older, he’s hella tall

* Probs around 6’2”

* You like wrapping yourself around him

* He likes that you’re smaller than him so he can curl himself around you

* It makes him feel like he can better protect you this way

* Doesn’t mind cuddling because he likes feeling your skin against his, tho he’ll deny it in public

* He likes to sling an arm around your waist and keep you close

Tim:

* Such a smol bean

* He’s such a sweetheart

* The poor boy works himself to death tho

* So sex is usually a stress reliever for him

* You’ll comb your fingers through his hair to relax him

* He’s not really kinky, but he’ll try stuff if you ask him to

* Tho he does like being called a ‘good boy’ and receiving praise

* He doesn’t mind toys, he’ll just want to discuss them beforehand

* He just likes to please you

* He enjoys giving and receiving

* He’s pretty vocal, tho he gets really embarrassed by it and blushes so prettily

* You’ll purposefully do things to cause him to make noises just to see that beautiful rose color fill his cheeks

* When you praise him, he gets really vocal

* Like Damian, he’ll ask if you’re okay during sex

* He doesn’t want to pressure you into anything

* Sex with him is a mixture of lightheartedness and seriousness

* He’ll press tender kisses to your lips as you guys make love

* He’s hella gentle

* He has a tendency to whisper sweet nothings into your ear

* “I love you more than you’ll ever know”

* “I want you in my life forever”

* Sometimes a mishap occurs tho, and you’ll giggle into each other’s mouths

* Tim will definitely sub

* He actually really enjoys it

* Loves being able to look up at your face when you ride him

* Likes being choked

* He can’t handle when you tease him tho

* Will resort to begging

* He gets shy, but he can’t help himself as he’s so worked up

* It’s like those years of strict bat-training go down the drain when he’s with you

* He just trusts you completely

* The boy never sleeps either, as he’s always so busy with vigilantism and running Wayne Enterprises

* But sex always makes him pass tf out

* (Do you use it to make him sleep? Possibly)

* Like Dick, he’s average down there

* But he makes up for it in skill

* He’s smol so he can be either the big or little spoon

* Just likes to keep you close

* Will nuzzle his face into your neck and press light kisses there

* You’ll fall asleep tightly pressed against each other

-Admin Cheyenne :)

#batkids #batfamily x you #batfamily x reader #batfam #batfam x you #batfam x y/n #batfam x reader #dc x reader #dc x you #dc x y/n #dick grayson x reader #dick grayson x you #dick grayson x y/n #jason todd x you #jason todd x reader #jason todd x y/n #tim drake x you #tim drake x y/n #tim drake x reader #damian wayne x you #Damian Wayne x reader #damian wayne x y/n #dick grayson smut #jason todd smut #tim drake smut #damian wayne smut #batfam headcanons #smut headcanons #batboys x reader #batboys x you

[things-happens]

In Memory

Levi Ackerman x gn! Reader

Armin Arlert x gn! Reader

Erwin Smith x gn! Reader

Mikasa Ackerman x gn! Reader

hola 😎 i have a request for ya! which i do hope you like cause I literally spent hALF aN hoUR thinking of how it should go... anyWAYS, i’m gonna request it rn cause why not? .. anyways—maybe a hc for Levi, Armin, Erwin, Mikasa, and Pieck; their S/O’s favorite memories with them are playing in their mind. They wished it happened again. people thought they (they = pieck, levi, armin - yk)—people thought they went crazy. out of their mind insane. They do often smile, when they hear their S/O’s laugh. They cry when they hear their S/O’s screams. They couldn’t save them in time. they were now dead. // now do keep in mind, that this all happened weeks after their S/O’s death. they felt so useless at the fact that they couldn’t save them in time. the one they loved the most...

Note: I DELETED THIS AND HAD TO MADE THE POST so... please like and share thank you. Also I'm not caught up on season 4 but I know what has happened so I don't know Pieck's personality, I didn't want to get her wrong.

Prompt List

Mastlister

Summary: their s/o passed, they blame themselves and other and sadly cannot cope.

Warnings: Death, Blood, Feels and Fluff Words: a lot just a lot

Levi Ackerman (Sadderdaze)

Somethings never change for Levi losing the ones he loves left and right but why did he think that would change with y/n.

During the Battle of Shiganshina, Y/n was by Levi’s side the whole time.

They always was anyways, the lone survivor of Levi’s Squad after the 57th Expansion. Years ago, they vowed the loyalty for him then again 3 years later, till death did them part.

They both lead the group of soldiers to eliminate the Beast Titan.

As the Beast began to throw rocks everyone took covered in an abandoned town, after the first-round y/n and Levi resurfaced on the roofs.

They both noticed the beast was readying for another throw, yelling for the other to go bad into cover.

“GO BACK!” Y/N yelled into their cupped hands; they still couldn’t hear them.

Levi started to run to help them, only to be held back, y/n telling him there isn’t enough time.

Levi protested only for Y/n starting to push him back down to between the houses.

Suddenly, Y/n gave him a hard push on his back making him lad down on the ground. Looking back up to his love, their leg of in a now, missing part of the roof.

Levi quickly shot back up to help them out, grabbing their hands pulling as hard as he could.

“Levi… LEVI! Please take cover, you’ll die.”

“I’m not leaving you behind… not again.”

Levi had left Y/n in charge of his squad as he joined Erwin in the 57th Expansion. Nearly dying because of the Female Titan and protecting Eren.

Y/n pulled their arm away from him, giving him one final hard push in the chest right before the rock came pass them.

“I love you” they whispered.

As Levi flew back to the ground, he held eye contact with them all of his memories going through his head, knowing that this was the last time he would see of them, forever.

As for y/n, all their memories flew through them.

Late nights with Hanjie, mornings drinking tea with Erwin and Levi.

Levi… the night of their wedding, cake, slow dancing together, then stargazing. Oh, what they’d give to do that one more time with him.

Then they were gone.

Days later, everyone was concerned about the Captain. They could hear his cries and sobs when they’d pass his room. If you’d knocked, his cries would stop, and he’d stay silent till he watched your feet leave.

Every time Hanjie would open his door to bring breakfast or dinner, they could see the hopefulness in his eyes only for them to fall. Not like he ate till he was starving and knew he had too.

Years later, as Levi slept at night, he could still hear the whisper and cries of his love. That’s all he could hear ever, yet now he hid it well.

The nights he couldn’t sleep he’d walk through the halls of the fallen soldiers. In the middle of all the paintings, was Erwin. A gold frame shining in the moon light. Next to him was y/n.

They also had a golden frame and at the top were their favorite floor in their favorite color. Whomever painted it, Levi thought they did an amazing job.

The captured the brightness of their eyes, their gloss on their hair and the perfection on their hands.

Levi sat on his knees, lightly placing his hand on theirs. Wishing he could feel them just one more time.

BONUS:

“I bet you’re not popular with the ladies…” Zeke sighed.

Levi looked down thinking about y/n for the first time since the battle. “I was popular enough…”

Armin Arlert (When Will I See You Again)

Most people admired Y/n relationship with Armin, never put a title on side thing but the two and others knew they loved each other.

And when y/n died… well it was hard on everyone.

Since Armin inherited the Colossal Titian he saw and heard y/n die with his own eyes or really with Bertholdt eyes.

They stood by Armin till the very end or what they thought was the end.

The two stood in front of the giant titan, directing him. The plan… they knew they were going to die but it was with Armin and that’s all y/n would ever want.

Bertholdt let out the burning steam, burning them alive. y/n’s eyes looked at Armin, they screamed and cried till nothing… black.

Armin on the other head was giving the Titan Serum, eating Bertholdt and becoming the monsters he hated.

From the second he woke from the shift, all he could thing of was Y/n.

Where are they?

Are they okay?

Then and dare he say naturally, the memories caved in.

Seeing through his predecessor’s eyes, he remembered his love burn to death. Hearing their caries and he saw them always looking at him.

He cried and blamed himself for their death, y/n thought they were dying together but Eren couldn’t let him live in peace.

“they died thinking they were with me.” He whispered.

He always tired to keep his resentment in around Eren and Mikasa, but everyone could here him scream in pain in the forest next to the HQ.

He used Bertholdt’s memories to see them together all the time, Sasha and Mikasa would become worried he wasn’t grieving well but soon like screams every night stop.

Instead, it was quite crying at night, which wasn’t any better for anyone.

Then they left to find the Sea, one thing that could make Armin come to peace with himself.

Reaching the ocean everyone would play and have fun their but looking down in the water, Armin could’ve sworn he saw his love looking back at him but alas he lost the sight as fast as he saw it.

He knew Y/n would and still is by his side everyday till death brought them back to each other.

Erwin Smith (My Kind of Woman)

Everyone knew Erwin as a very stoic man, a calm gentle giant but with a heart and will of Iron.

And that was true, but that was after someone not one would talk about.

Their name is Y/n, Erwin Smith’s great love.

In 845, the Survey Corps returned from an expiation, but most do not know what happened.

“Four abnormals on the right wing!” some one shouted

Erwin looked at y/n who was smiling but still looking out for themselves and others. They looked over at Erwin and smiled even wilder.

Ever since training, Y/n saw bright side of things. It was their idea to recruit the Underground rebels.

In all most a flash of lighting, rain pored down soldiers dying all around.

10 abnormals flailing around, killing and eating people.

Erwin stared behind him, watching his comrades die under his orders. Then he locked eyes with y/n as they jumped off their horse as a Titan waved its arm at her.

“Erwin!”

Y/n yelled hoping he would turn and help them, and he did, yet despite the connection they had…

It was too late, they were harshly picked and swished, screams reaching everyone’s ears. Held above the Titan’s mouth their blood poured into then as the life quickly left their eyes they were dropped into its mouth.

If it wasn’t for Levi, Erwin would’ve been died too.

Ever second since then he blamed himself, knowing if he was just a little faster.

He paid someone to make a painting of her for his office, they were his right-hand person, but others knew it was more than that.

He would cry as quite as he could for years till it was small smiles or few tears while in his office or drinking tea with Levi or Hanji.

They both learned not to question it as it was a normal thing for the man after five years.

The new recruits would ask about the painting of a random person in his office, he would say someone special.

Yet it’s been years he would still become choked up that night.

Mikasa Ackerman (i wanna be your girlfriend)

Mikasa and Y/n met in training, two people how just sat not needing to say anything to enjoy each other’s company.

Eating dinner, they’d just sit and watch everyone else bicker and talk, nothing needed to be said. Despite being Sasha’s sibling, the older one seem to get all the personality then again there was nothing wrong with the way they were.

Although being close to death of a many of times, they lived and slightly loved Mikasa and watched her grow into a beautiful women she was.

Over the years, y/n become more vocal not wanting to miss out on the moments they had left with everyone. They and Jean would bicker and laugh about dumb things, Connie and they would just sitting and reminisce on old times.

Then Sasha met Nicolo and well y/n had never more vocal about anything before.

“Oooooh the cook, he’s perfect for you.”

y/n would tease Sasha along with Jean and Connie, although Nicolo didn’t seem to mind, Sasha would turn redder than a beet!

Then the war came, Y/n didn’t leave Mikasa side unless it was to save their ether extremely brave or stupid sister.

As y/n and Mikasa run to Eren’s ad after killing the War Hammer Titan, Mikasa yells at Eren.

Y/n watches the two argue, as the War Hammer Titan stands tall and definitely not dead.

Y/n watches as it starts to shoot a crystal goop at them, Y/n wipps around slamming themselves into Mikasa, holding onto her and they both flay away from the now hardened crystal.

“thank you, y/n.”

Y/n only nodded, looking back at the crystal. Again, they themselves in danger for Mikasa but they knew if it came down to it, they would die for their family.

After the battle, everyone was on the air ship, Mikasa had left y/n with Jean, Connie and Sasha. They talked happy to see each other alive.

“You guys are really special to me.”

Next thing anyone knew, both Jean and Y/n heard rumbling from the entrance. Turning around they saw a little girl with a rifle.

y/n quickly realized she was aiming for everyone of the ship, mainly their sister. Running in front of the fire, trying to do the same thing they once saw Hanjie do years ago still the girl shot.

The bullet went straight threw y/n’s stomach; push through the pain they grabbed the gun from the girl. They butted it into the little girl’s head, knocking her out.

The adrenaline wore off, y/n put their hand on their stomach. Their hand covered in blood, they turned around to see their sister on the floor surrounded by their friends.

“Guys…” they dropped the rifle on the floor.

The word came out their mouth, everyone with tears in their eyes slowly turned to look at them.

Jean watched as the blood dripped from their suit on to the light brown flooring.

Y/n began to walk to them, waddling side to side.

Mikasa entered the room watching Y/n fall over into what was now a pool of blood. She quickly ran over, flipping them over sobbing.

Jean quickly applied pressure into the wound, but it was too late. Y/n looked up at Mikasa, their bloodied hand lightly touching her face.

Mikasa sat head on her knees, in between both Blouse graves. She could still here the raspy breaths, the yells of Jean telling them to stay awake and the laugh Eren let out seeing the dead bodies.

She’d cry at nights realizing she loved them more than a friend, she felt like a piece of her was now gone.

During dinners Mikasa would push her food around till she couldn’t sit and not laugh or sob. Armin had become worried of her, but he knew she just needed time.

#snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #aot #anime #armin #armin arlert #armin x reader #armin arlert x reader #snk x reader #snk imagine #armin imagine #erwin smith #erwin x reader #erwin aot #erwin snk #aot fic #aot imagines #snk fluff #snk imagines #snk angst #aot angst #aot fluff #mikasa x reader #mikasa x you #mikasa x y/n #mikasa ackerman #mikasa ackerman x reader #mickasa ackerman fluff #aot x reader

[livvyofthelake]

top 5 jace moments :)

letting simon drink his blood. that was INSANE and the reason i am so obsessed with him… he literally pretended like he was only saving simon for clary because he’s afraid of dropping his Cool Guy act in front of him because he’s an outsider… meanwhile jace is literally in love with everyone around him and only acts that way because he believes no one truly can love him and his literal greatest fear is that the people he cares about will die because of him and seeing simon almost dead because of valentine when he would’ve been safe if he wasn’t so connected to clary and by extension jace… anyway if simon made him a friendship bracelet he’d never ever take it off

you’re not gonna know this one because it’s a #bookmoment but there’s this scene in city of heavenly fire when he’s talking to alec and alec is telling him about how he used to feel inferior to jace until jace asked him to be his parabatai and realized that the only person who wasn’t comparing the two of them was jace himself. and they have this whole insane conversation and eventually jace says “the best thing valentine ever did for me was send me to you” and it makes me go absolutely crazy every time!! literally valentine abused him but jace can’t bring himself to fully hate the man because without him he wouldn’t have alec!!! what the hell!

not really a jace moment but one time alec told clary that jace loved her so much he would burn down the whole world if he could dig her up out of the ashes. which is just an insane thing to say and i have to wonder if alec was repeating something jace literally told him or if that was just something he thought of himself, either way it’s crazy. i don’t remember the extent of jace and sebastian’s relationship on the show but in the books sebastian was obsessed with getting jace to be his partner in evil or whatever and he almost got him because he got clary. jace would literally do anything if clary was next to him he’s fucking crazy about her

in parabatai lost when he was literally being checked into a hospital but he was like actually guys i can’t be here rn i have to go help my brother so if u could just let me and my multiple life threatening injuries go that would be awesome please.

sorry to be so alec heavy but u get it. there’s that episode in season 1 where the clave was going to send meliorn to the silent brothers to be tortured and alec was with them and jace and the others were trying to stop them and jace was like about to let alec kill him because he doesn’t want to be alive if they’re on different sides…. literally at that point alec had always been the one person jace trusted to be with him forever…

#BECAUSE YOU WANT TO DIE FOR LOVE YOU ALWAYS HAVE #literally not to quote gay poetry about jace but that is literally him!!!! #anyway he’s literally insane he has so many fucked up half suicidal moments because he’s so obsessed with saving everyone… #and he’s my friend <3 #asks #juliechu #jace

[biggest-stupidhead]

Path Walker (Levi x OC)

Summary: Levi bites off more than he can chew by taking in a young street rat.

AN: I’ve been toying around with the POV of this series so around the 8th part the POV changes to third person, I am really lazy rn but when I get the motivation to I will come back and edit these parts to match, sorry if that bothers you! 

Word Count: 1.7K

I remembered feeling cold, laying in my usual alley I clutched onto the rag that I used as a blanket. I was only 9 years old, hungry and homeless, and now I was dying of disease. I was pitiful, balled up on the ground, laying in the mud. I vaguely recalled a boot tapping my hip, I flinched away, certain it was a Military Policeman.

"Oi, are you...alive?" the cold voice sent shivers through me, he sounded mean. I stayed still, my eyes wide with fear as I thought of the stories the other children had told me of men. The men in the underground took what they wanted. So I figured it was better if he thought me dead.

"I can see you breathing, what is your name?" he asked as he knelt down beside me. I allowed my head to turn and meet his eyes for the first time.

"Emory" I said, but it hurt to speak, my throat felt like it was made of razorblades and lined with gravel. The man raised an eyebrow at the sound of my frail voice.

"Where are your parents Emory? Is there somewhere I can take you to get taken care of?" the man pressed, I shook my head my eyes watering as I thought of how lonely I was. He sighed and stood back onto his feet, he rested his hands on his hips and looked back out onto the quiet street.

"I'll take you home with me, but once you're better you'll be back on your own." the man said, he stooped down and scooped me into his arms. I whimpered when he tossed the rag off of me with a look of disgust.

------------

When I woke up I was in a bed, my hair was tied back off of my face, and a warm wash cloth was being pressed to my rosy cheeks. I licked my lips as I tried to sit up, a young girl pushed me down back into the stiff mattress.

"Don't try to move, just let me take care of you." she said, sounding a bit more aggressive than caring. I said nothing as she passed me a mug full of an earthy smelling liquid.

"It's tea, it'll make your throat better." she said as she held the mug to my lips. I opened my mouth and accepted the drink, my eyes widening as the flavor hit my tongue. She was right, even as the liquid went down my throat I already felt better. I sighed as I rolled over, I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this warm and cozy. I felt clean, my skin smooth rather than grimy, I was wearing an old but clean night gown, I smoothed my hands over the soft fabric in awe. The girl giggled and gently pushed me back into the pillow.

"If a grouchy man comes in don't be afraid of him, he just has a weird face." the girl said before getting up and taking out the tray of tea.

"What's your name?" I croaked, she paused by the door, her green eyes gleamed in the orange candlelight.

"Isabel." she said sweetly before exiting. When she opened the door I could make out the sounds of dishes clattering and a water pump being used. Odd, I must be in a nicer part of town for the home to have a pump. Usually multiple families had to share a water pump. I strained to hear the conversation through the door, I could at least make out 3 separate voices, one I recognized as Isabel, and another as the man who had collected me. The third voice spoke little but when he did it sent chills down my spine. Finally the pump stopped, and I could hear what they were saying.

"We can't keep her Farlan, she's just another snot nosed brat, if we go around picking up every kid we see we might as well open an orphanage." the voice hissed, silence followed his words and I cowered back into the pillow, pulling the blanket up so I could hide my face.

"Not fair Levi, I'm sure she can be of some use to us! Plus she's rather cute." Isabel said, followed by the sound of footsteps on the old wooden floor.

"I don't care what the brat looks like, we can barely feed ourselves no need for another mouth to feed." the third voice, Levi snarled. The room fell silent and I felt ice run through my veins.

"At least go look at her before you tell us we can't keep her, say it to her face that you don't want her." Farlan, the man who I presumed had initially brought me here said, matching Levi's venomous tone.

"Fine." Levi scoffed, I heard the sound of approaching footsteps and burrowed deeper into the covers. My heart raced when the door slowly creaked open, light spilling into the dim room.

"Oi, come out of there." his voice was close, definitely standing off to my left. I flinched when I felt his hand close around the blanket and pull it off of me. I yelped and snatched the corner before he could pull it away from my grasp.

"F-fuck off!" I squeaked, something that I had picked up off the streets, not that I knew what the words meant but other than to leave me alone. His eyes widened a fraction when I spoke, one of his thin eyebrows arching as he took in my appearance. I barely registered the sounds of muffled laughter as Farlan and Isabel chuckled in the doorway.

"Where did you learn to talk like that?" Levi asked incredulously, I shuffled backwards on the bed to put some space between us.

"It's what people tell me when I get too close to them." I admitted, whenever I would approach adults and sometimes older children they would use those words. Levi scoffed and sat down in the chair Isabel had occupied earlier.

"You shouldn't talk like that." he said, a frown etched deeply into his delicate features. I furrowed my brows, I had never had anyone tell me what I should and shouldn't do, I had grown up an orphan, only vague memories of my parents.

"You're not my dad." I said a wave of emotion overcoming me.

"No I'm not, and that's why you can't stay here, you don't belong with us." he said coldly, he stood and brushed past the pair in the doorway, who stood in shock as you watched him disappear. Isabel rushed into the room and sat on the bed, a sympathetic look on her childish face.

"I- He- I'm sure he doesn't mean those things, he can be a bit... shy when meeting new people." she said as I looked up at her expectantly.

"He does have a weird face." was all I said as she struggled to excuse Levi's harsh words. Farlan snorted and sat down in the chair next to the bed, his blue eyes turning soft when he took in my thin wrists.

"I'm sure he'll come to tolerate you." Farlan said, placing a hand on my back, he grimaced when he felt the ridges of my spine through Isabel's nightgown.

"Man kid do you want something to eat?" he joked despite the sick feeling that blossomed in his gut. I nodded and leaned into his touch subconsciously, he smiled and stood to go get me something while Isabel crawled under the covers with me.

"How did you end up all alone?" she asked as I settled into her side, my head resting on her chest.

"I dunno." I said, too focused on her heartbeat to listen to her question.

"Are your parents not around?" she pressed, I shrugged.

"Can't remember." I sighed as I nuzzled into her. She inhaled sharply when I let out a little sigh.

"Emory, please tell me what you know so I can help you." she said gently, craning her neck to get a glimpse of me.

"I don't know who my parents are, or where I came from, just that I'm here." I shrugged, breathing in Isabel's lavender scent. She tensed at my words and gently placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry... how long have you been alone?" she asked quietly.

"Since forever." I said. Before Isabel could say anything else, Farlan returned holding a small loaf of bread.

"Here, I don't want to give you anything heavy incase you barf, that would be a waste." he chuckled as he handed me the bread.

"Oi you better not be feeding that brat in my bed, she'll get crumbs everywhere." Levi raised his voice slightly to berate you from the other room. Farlan smiled and pushed the bread into my hands, Isabel sat up and pulled me along with her. I bit into the bread not surprised to find it a bit stale. Farlan sat down on the end of the bed and watched me wolf down the bread.

"Slow down little girl!" he laughed as he watched me finish off the bread and wipe my mouth.

"That was good, thank you." I said before nestling back into Isabel. Farlan smiled, already feeling attached to the spirited girl.

"How old are you Emory?" Farlan asked, leaning forwards on the bed to get a peek at my face.

"Uh... I think I'm 9?" I said my face screwing up in frustration as I thought about my age.

"You think?" Farlan asked, raising an eyebrow and letting a smirk crawl onto his lips.

"Yeah, I'm not so sure but my friends are 9 so that must mean I'm 9 too." I said, quickly tiring of all these questions. Farlan laughed again, Isabel swatted him in the shoulder, jostling me as she sat up.

"Quit laughing at her she can't help it!" Isabel scolded. Farlan stuttered out a feeble apology as he struggled to stop laughing. But by the time he managed to apologize I was already slipping into the best sleep I would ever have. Isabel shushed him as she pulled me closer and rolled us onto our sides.

"I'm sure he'll warm up to her, how can he not? She's damn funny." Farlan said as he watched Isabel hold me close. She nodded in agreement as she brushed her fingers through my golden locks. I sighed in my sleep, feeling safe for the first time in my short life.

I miss them.

#aot fanfiction #aot fandom #aot levi #snk levi #levi x oc #levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi heichou #captain levi #hange zoe #erwin smith #mike zacharias #nanaba #petra ral #levi supremacy #levi squad #scouting regiment #eren mikasa armin #eren jeager #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #aot spoilers #snk x reader #snk spoilers #sasha braus #connie springer #isabel magnolia #furlan church #underground #levi deserves better

[tricewithaz]

yes zoyalai at the beach please!!

love the enthusiasm

(gonna mesh the last one too cause i think it applies)

So listen zoya has never been to an actual beach. shes been at harbors and ports and ships, a couple of cliffs, but never.... a beach. and Nikolai just cant accept this fact so he takes her to a beach in kerch while theyre there. its weirdly tranquil considering how hectic ketterdam is.

its not even that hot but nikolai just kinda takes half of his clothes off and zoya is kind of like ????????????

But its sweet really, when he takes off his boots and vest and pulls the hem of his pants up and just kind of gets into the water??? Zoya canr help but watch in silence cause he truly seems to be at home. He rubs water onto his hair and neck and just walks around, its lowkey calming.

She follows his example, puts her hair up and gets rid of her stockings and boots and gets into the water too. her skirt gets wet and she hates it.

and all she does its exclaim "ITS COLD" and nikolai cant do anything but laugh. He isnt used to this zoya and ots endearing, cause shes shrinking into her self and trying to walk in the water and just by the expression on her face he can tell that she hates the texture of sand.

She picks up her dress to walk on the water, and lowkey looks like a little duck

She touches seaweed. She screams. He cackles.

Its a bit chilly but zoya thinks the breeze is nice. plus it messes up nikolais hair and shirt so thats a plus.

and he looks almost boyish, like this is the best day in the life of small nikolai lantsov. theres a huge smile on his face and his cheeks and nose get a bit sunburn. Its not the first time shes seen him like that, its standard for him whenever hes in a ship, but she admires it regardless.

She uses her powers to hit him in the butt with water. he acts offended. she acts clueless. Ofc he takes his revenge and splshes her up to her waist. and then she just.... provokes a wave and soaks him whole and yes she looks at his soaked shirt for a bit too long

at some point she gives up and lets her skirt fall and it floats and she looks like a flower ✨

she walks into the water a lot and trips when she reaches that ome dip that gets deeper than before, her heart gets to her throat for a moment there. Nikolai picks her up and prevents her from falling keeping her close to his chest but not without laughing at her "it has to get deeper at some point zoya the entire ocean is like that and it just gers deeper and deeper and deeper" and hes nonchalant about it but all hes doing is freaking the both of them out more and more

textures at the beach are 🤢 and zoya is constantly screaming WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT specially when the things touching her feet are alive and sentient

They fight and wrestle Nikolai just picks zoya up and throws her into the water. she makes him dive in too. clothes and all

underwater her hair looks like a halo ✨✨✨

But they just laugh a lot while splashing each other to the point their stomachs hurt and all.

They need to get out of water at some point but they stay at the shore, sOAKED, they get full of sand and zoya hATES it so MUCH she complains a LOT and frowns and Nikolai all but looks at her with the biggest smile on his face.

they sit at the shore and build sand castles with shells and all

in fact they just kind of build the entire os alta palace and discuss everhthing like Real Architects™

When the tides come in and destroy a bit they get all fussy about it, like little kids

btw zoyas hair gets super frizzy and a lot of curls fall on her face despite her trying to keep her hair up with a hairstick. she kinda hates it cause its difficult to manage and it tangles but nikolai thinks she looks gorgeous.

while building castles he talks to her about his childhood summers at the beach. For once she doesnt comment on how he talks too much or anything, and for once he isnt snarky. He talks about his fond memories with a soft voice and sparkly eyes and she just listens in silence, with a small smile cause shell store this memory forever, as well as the other thousands of good memories she gets in her twenties. Suddenly she kind lf loves the beach.

He thinks hell talk about this afternoon too, to his children and his other friends and hell talk about how zoya much zoya complained and hated the sea. Hell keep how her curls framed her face and how she stared into the sea for himself tho.

Oh, as evening approaches she isnt frowning, in fact her expression seems quite tranquil and she smiles. Nikolai thinks that she doesnt do it often cause if she did everyone around them would faint at the sight

when the sun starts setting it reflects into his eyes and makes his hair more golden than usual and he looks so warm.

But when the setting sun frames her neck and her cheekboke nikolai understands for a minute the concept of saints.

They leave the sand palace there and the next day when other families come into the beach theyre so impressed ejejrbje

they get waffles and eat them at the wall that separates the streets from the beach observing the sunset and the sea at night. And the breeze is so nice, zoya thinks she could stay here forever. they both wish they could just live there, together

They walk the shore together hand in hand, chat a bit in the night. the reflection of the moon in the sea, in her eyes, will always be slmething he links to zoya. Her hand is cold and soft, and his is firm and warm, a big contrast to the water at her feet but its a contrast she likes.

They return a lot after the first time the go together to the beach, and zoya just kind of.... naps in the sand

Back at the embassy Nikolai brushes zoyas hair cause she just fucking hates it and she just cant deal with this rn

And her hair smells like seawater and he just kinf of combusts

The next day her skin looks a bit darker and glowier and her hair is a bit frizzy.... well you know how he feels about it.

its just a very nice experience for both of them

#ask #ask box #answered #zoyalai #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #hc

[normal-thoughts-official]

We need more MIND CONTROL ANGST in this fandom give me Alec hurts Magnus and for a split second Magnus is just shocked with this feeling of "alec... hit me?" And even tho he very quickly realizes something is wrong it just feels so wrong and painful and later when Alec is unwhammied hes so guilty he doesn't want to even touch Magnus but that's what Magnus needs most rn, touch and affection and reassurance and comfort, cue misunderstandings and more angst before the ultimate happy ending :)

again, ur mind........ the talent in this.... *girl in porn voice* it's so big

also this is tagged but just to make sure, trigger warning for mind control, abuse/child abuse mentions, self harm

ok maybe it starts like... they are together and alec has a headache or something as the control kicks in or something and he falls to the ground and magnus runs after him like what happened? and alec's like "something's wrong, magnus, stay away" but magnus is too worried so he doesnt listen and he touches alec and alec hits him

and for a second he thinks it's because he went too far and touched alec without consent and his mind is flashing with asmodeus and his words when he hit him, and memories and for a second he barely knows where he is and what is happening and who is who. and because this is happening slowly alec screams "something is controlling me!" because he knows soon he'll be like possessed completely and he wants to apologize but he knows it's more important to let magnus know what's happening first. and sure enough soon a Demonic Voice overtakes him and his alec is obviously gone

and it's quickly resolved because magnus is 1- smart, and 2- powerful, and clearly the spell whomstever was using on alec was not super strong lmao. maybe someone who was trying to get to magnus for some reason? so like, extra spice because magnus feels guilty - he knows all too well what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, to see yourself as a monster, to have nightmares about being forced to hurt the people you love- 

and alec of course is drowning drowning drowning in guilt as well because he hurt magnus, it's the one thing he remembers before losing control, he hurt magnus when he was supposed to protect him, and he knows magnus has history with abuse, and he could clearly see the way that magnus lost himself in a flashback for a second, he triggered him and he became the people he had always sworn he'd never be, that he'd help him forget, and he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus

and he feels so stupid because he hadn't even realized something was wrong before it was too fucking late, and he had enough control to scream at him, but not to hold himself back? what kind of bullshit is that? he feels like a failure and he blames himself and he wants to scratch his own skin off, make himself bleed because he failed the one person he loved the most, again, and he doesn't deserve magnus if he can't help him

so basically like as soon as magnus manages to undo the spell and they are done Finding The Culprit and Resolving The Plot alec is just like. completely retracted in himself. already scratching his hands in a similar way to what he did when magnus was in the hospital, fists tight and hurting, and usually magnus would notice that, but all he sees is the rage burning within alec, that terrifying anger that he shows sometimes and after alec hurt him... it's scary

and because the person who did this was trying to get to him, he feels like that's his fault, too. he dragged alec into this mess and he was too much again, and he's nothing but a burden to the people he loves and he knows how alec feels like he needs to be in control of things, how if he doesn't he loses his footing, and losing control of his body is the most terrifying experience - magnus would know - and he brought this on alec and didn't even notice when he's the warlock, he should be able to have noticed the spell, he could have stopped this whole thing from happening but he didn't and things could have been so much worse, all because he wasn't paying attention as always, and god, he hurt someone he loved, didn't he? again. he's like an omen, bringing pain and death and hurt to everyone around him, he's cursed-

and alec pretty much leaves immediately with some bullshit excuse about needing something, and magnus tries to call for him, but alec is gone in an instant and ignores magnus. and magnus is just unleashing the spiral he had been keeping at bay and contained while he was figuring out the solution for this, and he just had a horrible flashback moment and the voice of his father is running free around his head, telling him everything about how he's not good enough, not powerful enough, how he'll never have anyone because he's a demon and this is what he was made to, to hurt, and he might try to pretend otherwise but in the end it will always come back to this; so he's in a bad mental state to not realize what he otherwise would immediately - alec is blaming himself, of course he is - and just sees that he's angry and leaves. and then he's alone with his thoughts screaming at him that he keeps bringing pain to the people he loves, that he's useless, evil even, that his father was right, that camille was right

and maybe he knows deep down that alec wouldn't blame him for this but he still can't help but think that eventually alec would grow tired of him and why not now? what does magnus even have to offer him, except for baggage and pain?

and he can't help but think, what if it happens again? what if that was just the first time and soon enough alec will become camille just like he always feared his next lover would? and then he feels guilty for even thinking that, because of course alec wouldn't, and this wasn't his fault, and magnus should be able to get over it instead of spiralling like that and acting like alec had done something wrong when he knows alec got the worst position in that situation

and alec is just shooting arrows all night, letting his hands bleed and hurt and also doing his best to train, because he needs to do better, he needs to be stronger and he can't keep letting this happen because last time it was irreversible. and he's thankful this time wasn't like that but this is unacceptable and god, he hurt magnus

he probably only comes back home the next day and magnus doesn't sleep at all that night because fuck, he fucked up. he didn't notice and he let this happen to alec and then he was a baby about it and mentally compared him to camille and basically blamed alec for all of that and alec didn't even come back home. maybe this time he's done forever, maybe alec's tired of him, maybe this will be the one thing they never manage to overcome, because alec will blame himself and magnus can't pull his shit back together to support him, and god alec will blame himself and god last time this happened magnus had to take him off the ledge, and alec promised he would tell him if things ever got that bad but how could alec even trust him right now, what if he's gone, magnus didn't even check up on him, he was too busy worrying about himself like some fucking asshole

and like he knows alec is alive because he can sense him with magic even if faintly but he still has that moment of panic and maybe alec isn't ok and he doesn't know but what right does magnus have to track him down right now? what good could he even do? it would be overbearing and unfair to go after him, alec obviously doesn't want his company right now

so when alec finally comes home the next day magnus is like "alexander" relieved and worried at the same time and he kind of runs to him but alec stays still so he pauses when he stops, hand even hovering mid-air, clearly hesitant and afraid to touch him and alec thinks, he's scared of me, look at what you did, he can't even trust you enough to touch you. and because alec doesn't touch him either and just seems closed off, magnus thinks, you can't fix this. it's all your fault and he'll never open up to you again. you're done

and then more guilt because he thinks, alec is not camille, he's not withholding touching me as punishment, why can't i stop acting like this is his fault? what's wrong with me? just talk. but he can't because he's terrified and there's so much going on in his head and then he feels worse because he can't just do the right thing and communicate, again, when clearly he should be the one to bring this up and make sure alec knows it wasn't his fault, and apologize for not being there for him

and maybe alec has that moment of "maybe i should just... go" and then magnus tries to stop him like "no, don't, please" because he's scared if this goes on for longer he'll just spiral harder and then he'll lose alec for good. and in the process he touches alec and alec recoils like he's been burned and magnus freezes completely and the sudden movement makes his eyes widen for a second and there's this almost imperceptible flinch and then again the guilt because 1- he touched alec without consent and warranted this reaction; 2- alec doesn't even want to touch him and he could have prevented this; 3- he's acting like alec would just become his abusers again. why the hell did he flinch?

and alec goes "i'm sorry", and magnus almost interrupts in his haste to be like "no, no, no, don't be sorry" almost begging him and that's when it hits alec that magnus has probably been spiralling this whole time too. and he wasn't there for him when magnus obviously needed comfort after such a traumatic experience. fuck he's fucking this up even more

so magnus can see the spiral in alec's eyes and he's like "no, come on, sit down, it's alright" and offers him like tea or something and his hands are shaking a bit because he wants to fix this and they both do really. cue awkward "im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im-"

anyway they both talk about what they had been thinking and the guilt and the spirals and (in magnus' case) the whole thing about being triggered and not knowing how to deal with that and they clear the air and reassure each other because they are healthy and communicate and we stan that. sometimes just talking about the pain and reassuring each other is enough, you know?

and like alec holds magnus' face tenderly where he had hit him and very slowly leans down to give it a kiss and strokes it a bit and magnus takes alec's hand/fist and gives it a kiss too and slowly heals his knuckles and alec smiles up at him in the way he does and magnus' eyes shine too when he asks "better?" all hopeful like it really matters to him you know

and just alec peppering kisses on magnus' face and magnus kind of nuzzling against his hand and they both get that comfort of touching and knowing that they're still welcomed for each other and they have a Really Long Hug. complete with alec's face buried in magnus' shoulders and magnus clutching him a bit and it's almost smothering for them both but it's what they both need you know. and they whisper to each other "it's ok" and "i love you" and all that nice stuff 👌

anyway this is REALLY LONG so im ending it now im just obsessed with the mental image of alec kissing magnus' face and magnus' kissing his hand bye. also i love this ask ugh we stan mind control angst

#sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #long post #self harm tw #abuse tw #child abuse tw #mind control tw #angst #mind control angst #ask #anonymous