#ahh i love making myself depressed

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

success life story ♡

heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !

have a good read ☆

michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3

the old story that i don’t live in anymore

okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.

same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.

i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.

about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.

STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️

i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,

tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.

but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !

it clicked

then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».

i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.

and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing

success storyy

in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.

starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize

won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)

winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)

financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 

all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️

move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful

friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life

got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories

black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 

my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.

dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples

plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )

lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too

attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)

good grades without doing much

perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story

whole ass pc set up

all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes

and so much more...

outro

i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ honey kisses, shayama

#manifesting #law of assumption #sucess story #loa success #loa blog #loassumption #neville goddard #self concept #nondualism #void state #state of the wish fullfilled

[zanarkandskylines]

Operation: Shut Down

『♡』  fem!reader x bakugo ╰➤ ꒰ Senior year of UA | Characters are all 18 ꒱ ♡ katsuki bakugo masterlist ♡ summary: during their senior year of UA, midoriya, bakugo and todoroki return to endeavor's agency for senior internships. while on a supervised patrol, bakugo experiences his first 'failure' as a hero-in-training and takes it extremely hard. reader makes an attempt to care for his fragile state when he returns to the dorms. tags & warnings:  failed mission, ptsd/trauma, mentions of blood/gore/violence, depression & anxiety, mild angst, emotional comfort, semi-fluff, bakugo and midoriya hug!? a/n: similar to the "tidal wave" story, but this one is a bit grittier and heavier subject matter. hopefully this also isn't too OOC for bakugo! i figure at some point during their time at UA, or in the field, they’ll have to go through something similar to this on their own. ꒰ Ao3 version | word count; 2,671 ꒱

Ahh, Saturday mornings - one of your favorite times of the week! There's something refreshing about being free from classes, surrounded by all your friends as you laze around the dorms. Yourself and Bakugo are usually the first two awake, often bumping into each other in the kitchen for breakfast. Midoriya and Kirishima are typically next, followed by a random assortment of the rest of the class. One thing's for certain, though, Kaminari is always the last one awake. Jiro swears it annoys the shit out of her that she needs to have an extra alarm to get him up, but he never fails to make her smile when she does.

Today, the dorms are on the quieter side as most of the class are off at their senior internships for a long weekend. You completed yours a few weeks prior, leaving yourself and Kirishima, Kaminari, Ashido and Yaoyorozu hanging around this weekend. Meandering toward the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal, you run into Midoriya, sitting at the small table - alone.

"Hey! I thought you guys were gone 'til Monday?" you ask, confused as to why he's back early. As you approach the table, you see the somber emotion painted across his face, the usual radiance in his eyes dulled.

"Oh, hey y/n. Yeah, we got back late last night."

There's something unsettling about the way he said "late last night." He still hasn't looked up at you. You place a hand on his shoulder to grab his attention.

"Everything okay?" He jumps a bit at your touch, startling you. He's not typically this jumpy. "You look like you've seen a ghost, Zu."

You can see he swallows nervously, his eyes glued to the table.

"Christ, Izuku! You're scaring me, spit it out already!" you urge, growing impatient with his evasiveness.

Midoriya finally turns to face you, his face not able to hide the fact he didn't sleep last night, the darkness growing under his eyes.

"It's Kacchan...," he starts, stopping for longer than you were comfortable with before continuing quietly. "He's in his room and hasn't come out since last night. He won't talk to me or Shouto."

Your stomach cartwheels with a sour feeling.

"You can't just say that and not give me more background on what the hell you're talking about."

He shifted uncomfortably in the diner chair, placing his head in his hands on the table.

"We were on a supervised patrol with Endeavor after dinner last night. The three of us were responsible for escorting a family across the city when Endeavor received an emergency call, taking Kacchan with him and leaving myself and Shouto responsible for the original task."

Midoriya paused, letting out a soft exhale.

"While on the emergency call, Endeavor ended up getting hurt -," he puts his hands up, waving them as he quickly interrupts himself to say he's fine before putting his head back down. "- due to a fall. Supposedly, the villain they were pursuing took advantage of that as a distraction. Kacchan was able to subdue him..."

Again with the damn pauses.

"...but?" You try not to sound too annoyed, but can't help it. You loved Izuku dearly, but he really needed to learn to get to the damn point.

"...but the civilian he captured wasn't so lucky."

What the hell does that mean?

Something in your gut tells you to sit down for whatever it is he's going to say next. You take the seat next to him, placing a hand on his thigh for reassurance.

"You...don't have to say anything if you don't want to, Zu," your tone shifting from your previous annoyance to concern.

He puts a hand on top of yours and gives it a squeeze. "T-thanks, but it's okay. Maybe you could try to talk with him? I had Kirishima try, too with no luck."

"Okay, sure. Do you wanna tell me what happened, then?"

You're not really sure if you should know, at this point. If Bakugo's locked himself in his room and refuses to speak to anyone? Some serious shit must have happened. He's not one to completely shutdown and isolate himself, let alone from Midoriya and Kirishima.

"The...civilian didn't make it. The villain planted a bomb inside of the civilian as, uh...a backup plan, I guess. It went off as Kacchan was escorting them to the ambulance for evaluation."

Your stomach stirs a second time, afraid to confirm what you think happened. "...so, you're telling me he saw someone...explode?"

He hesitates. "Y-yeah. Endeavor told us he went into shock, which isn't like him at all but completely normal, all things considered. He went non-verbal until we got back last night. He didn't even yell, told us he was going to bed, walked off and slammed the door."

"Fucking hell...do you know if he at least got some sleep on the drive back?"

"Funny enough, yeah. He fell asleep on my shoulder." He smiles faintly, trying to look at the positive in this situation. You can't help but smile, too, imagining Bakugo passed out on him without a care in the world.

Midoriya rubs two fingers against his temple - he's intensely fighting to stay awake. But who could blame him? His best friend just went through something extremely traumatic and he doesn't know the best way to help him.

You rub his back, attempting to calm his visible anxiety.

"Alright, I'll tag in. Please Izuku, go to bed. You need to rest," you assert, knowing that he would keep himself up until he physically couldn't stand if it meant helping a friend - especially Bakugo.

"Yeah. Thank you, y/n," Midoriya says wearily. As he stands, you jump up from your own seat to wrap him in a tight hug. He accepts, sighing into your shoulder as his body deflates into yours.

"Come on, I'll walk you back to your room."

───

After you walk Midoriya back to his dorm room, you go inside with him for a few minutes to be sure he actually gets into bed. He lazily crawls under the sheets, letting you tuck him in as his eyes are fluttering closed. You pat his head and mutter a 'night Zu' as you tip-toe to the door, carefully shutting it behind you.

Jogging up to the 4th floor, you make your way down the hall to Bakugo's room. You stand outside for a moment before knocking twice.

No response.

You give him a few seconds before knocking again.

Nothing. You don't hear any movement on the other side of the door, either. Maybe he's asleep?

One final try before you give up and resort to calling him.

Thudding footsteps are stomping on the floor from inside his room after the third set of knocks. The sudden sound shocks you as the door flies open, Bakugo's scowling face emerging from behind it, the whites of his eyes faintly pink in color. Has he been crying?

"God dammit, nerd! I fuckin' told you -," He doesn't notice it's you right away as he's shouting in your face. Once the realization sets in, he visibly recoils at his mistake. "...sorry. Thought you were Izuku."

"I could go dye my hair and draw freckles on if you wanna yell at me," you joke.

He doesn't laugh - not even an eyeroll.

Your heart sinks.

Neither of you say anything, standing there awkwardly as the air thickens between the two of you. Bakugo audibly exhales and you can't tell if he's annoyed, angry or...sad.

"Can I come in?" you ask humbly.

He says nothing, retreating back into his room - but, he leaves the door open for you. You take that as an accepted invitation, coming inside and closing the door behind you. He sits on his bed, knees tucked up to his chest as he scoots back to the wall.

Seeing Bakugo like this tugs at your heartstrings, despondent and detached, the opposite of any emotions he'd usually carry. You follow him to the bed and quietly ask permission to sit with him.

"Do you want me to sit with you, Kat?"

He doesn't move, just answers with a muted 'whatever.'

As gentle as you can, you climb onto the bed and shimmy next to him, back against the wall. You'll take this as a win, especially since Midoriya mentioned him not answering anyone else. You're about to say something as you hear a sniffle, confirming your suspicions.

Bakugo was and has been crying.

You reach over to put a hand in his hair in an attempt to comfort him. Instantaneously, he smacks your hand away - hard - and a spark jumps off his palm. Normally, he'd let you touch him without an issue - to an extent, of course, but right now? You understand why he wouldn't want any physical touch.

"Okay, I'll sit here as long as you want," you affirm, retracting your hand and pulling your own knees to your chest. "You don't have to say anything."

With that, the flood gates busted wide open. Bakugo whips his head in your direction, his nose red and eyes swollen, and frantically scrambles on to you. The two of you fall sideways into the pillows at the head of the bed as he wraps his arms around you into an awkward embrace. He buries his face in the curve of your neck, latching onto the back of your shirt with an ironclad grip as he begins to sob.

You have never heard him cry this hard over anything, not even after his fight with Midoriya back in their first year.

You don't wait for Bakugo to say anything before you're cradling him against you, one hand delicately stroking his hair while the other massages light circles on his back.

"I've got you, Katsuki, it's okay," you whisper soothingly while trying your damndest to stop yourself from crying along with him. You wish, more than anything in the world, that you could physically remove the memory from his brain to free him of this trauma.

"I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay as long as you want."

He doesn't respond, only pushes himself deeper into your embrace. You can feel the material of your shirt sticking to your skin at your collarbone from his snot and tears, and you're definitely going to have bruises on your back from his fingers digging into you for support. None of that matters though in the moment, what matters is that he's getting the initial shock out of his system.

You're not too sure how long you both lay there, but with time, you can tell Bakugo's calming down by his sobs mellowing out. His body begins to loosen up, the tension melting from his tightened grip around you. And then you hear it - a low snore.

He'd fallen asleep.

You tilt your head back to get a look at his face. His features have relaxed around his puffy eyes and pink nose. Without thinking, you run a hand through his bangs, exposing his forehead and press a tender kiss to it. He doesn't stir and continues to take deep, sleepy breaths.

───

Bakugo wakes an hour later, dazed and exhausted. When he starts to shift in your arms, you open your eyes. You give him a hearty smile as he releases his hold, rolling onto his back next to you.

"Mornin' sunshine. How're you feeling?"

He snorts as his eyes focus on the ceiling. "Like shit."

He pauses before looking back at you. "But less than before. Thanks. I'm just fuckin' tired."

"You scared me, I've never seen you that upset before," you admit. "You don't have to talk about it now, or ever, just know that I'm here for whatever you need."

"I don't even know what to say about it. Shit sucked, but it's what we signed up for." He's very monotone, but at least he's talking.

You roll over to face him. "I'm sorry you had to see it."

Bakugo sighs. "'S what it is. I'll get over it. Endeavor told me the first one is the hardest, better to get it outta the way before becomin' a pro."

Damn, that made your heart ache.

"Just 'cause we wanna help people doesn't mean we can't also ask the same for ourselves. Heroes need a hero, too."

He lolls his head to the side and stares at you, a gleam in his tired eyes. "...yeah."

The room is silent as the two of you take a break from the rough conversation. If he doesn't want to continue talking, you don't push it. Instead, you offer a distraction.

"I'd love to take you hiking today, if you're up for it," you say with enthusiasm. "I know how much you love that one trail nearby with the overlook of the city."

Bakugo felt his heart flutter at the proposal, confusing the hell out of him, but offered a sense of comfort that he needed. He loved that you remembered something so niche about his interests.

"Maybe tomorrow."

"Sure! You tell me how early you wanna go and I'll get my ass out of bed. Just for you," you tease, jokingly smacking his arm. "We can get lunch on the way back from the hike, too. Wherever you wanna go!"

Between the swirl of emotions from earlier and how sweet you're being to him now, he's overwhelmed with a feeling he can't quite place.

"Y/N, can I ask you something?" he asks abruptly.

Well, that came out of nowhere.

"Always, Kat. What is it?"

He stalls his follow up, seeming to think a little longer on how he wans to phrase his question.

"Why...are you here with me?"

His question baffles you. "Because you're my best friend?"

Best friend, he repeats in his head.

You notice the pondering look in his eyes as he turns to face you, shifting to lay on his side.

"It's because I care deeply about you, Katsuki. Nothing'll ever change that."

"...promise?" His voice is shaky, a nervousness to his tone.

You reach out and touch his cheek, stroking it lovingly with your thumb.

"Is that even a question? Yes, I promise. You're stuck with my ass forever, like it or not. I’ll be cheering for you every step of the way."

He laughs - genuinely.

And then he smiles. Your heart soars into the heavens.

"There's my favorite firecracker!" you boast, squishing his cheek in your hand.

Bakugo huffs at the sudden affection, a dusting of pink on his cheeks and nose.

"Th' fuck?!" he curses, playfully poking your forehead. "I'm not a firecracker!"

“Coulda fooled me, Mr. Lord Explosion Murder God Dynamight.”

The two of you play fight, cackling like children as the tension melts from the room.

Even if it’s just for a little while, Bakugo forgot about the agonizing dread from hours ago.

───

Later on in the dorm lobby, you’re sitting on the couch with Bakugo, feet in his lap watching TV as he’s reading a book. Midoriya comes prancing into the room, fresh faced from his nap. His eyes brighten when he sees Bakugo on the couch.

“Hey guys! Kacchan, how are you feeling?” he asks cheerfully, taking a seat on the couch next to him.

Unexpectedly, Bakugo wraps an arm over Midoriya’s shoulder, tugging him into his side.

“Fine, nerd. Thanks.” He lets go, puts a hand on his head and roughly fluffs his curls - just like when they were kids. Midoriya is so taken aback that he doesn’t say anything, he just smiles and relaxes next to him.

“What are we watching?”

You lean sideways to catch a glimpse of the boys together on the couch, co-existing without any negativity. Even after all the shit life throws at them, they still find ways to shove it all away to enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes, they just need a little help getting back to that mentality.

A silent huff escapes you as you lay back into the couch.

These boys are going to be the death of me.

i love these goobers and wanna buy them a lifetime’s worth of ice cream and take them to disney world to make them happy :’)

#bakugo x reader #bakugou katsuki #bakugou x reader #bakugo angst #bakugo x you #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo fluff #bakugo x y/n #katsuki bakugo #my hero academia #bakugo katsuki #dynamight #bnha #mha #☆.rei writes

[hopefull-mindset]

I've started reading The Great Gatsby (I've fallen into the reading classical literature trap 😔. I really need to finish Crime and Punishment.)

Anyhow I think it's really interesting how Asagiri chose to characterize many of the people in BSD. Especially after learning that irl Fitzgerald was more of a cynical person (at least towards the end of his life) than his animated counterpart. And it made me think of all the other characters of the show and how their characterized.

What was Asagiri's purpose as he came together with these characters? Why'd he have some characters act as their irl counterparts while others act more like the characters they wrote or people in their lives?

These aren't really questions that I wanted the answers to they were moreso just thoughts that I had. I'd love to have a peek into this man's mind and how it works

I think a lot of us have fallen into that trap LMAO. This is my favorite topic though. I could talk about this forever because Kafka Asagiri is an interesting person who has integrated a lot of literature into this one series. I don't know what goes on in this man’s mind and I know these aren't literal questions, but I am interested in sharing what I know!

As you've pointed out, some characters do act more like the people in these works written by them than the actual people. BSD isn't purely just taking these authors, their relationships, and then implementing them just like that. it also takes these authors’ literary personas, their impact socially, and their works to make them into who they are. Asagiri is doing this because it makes it more interesting, but also imagine writing about this authors where most of them lived depressing lives with qualities that don’t make uh, the type of story you want to tell.

I’m impressed with how creative he is.

I’m trying to limit myself on how much I should talk about this, but I fear that I’ll leave out important bits about how Asagiri incorporates these people into the work. I’m also just jittering and excited. Like I almost forgot to bring up the fact the reason BSD has a war narrative is because it takes Japanese authors from Meiji to Shōwa era, so about the time Western influence kicked in, forcing them to modernize and keep up with the rest of the world during what is a fairly short time for huge development like this, to post-war Japan where, you know, the Occupation of Japan is happening and they have to intake the traumatic repercussions of everything before that.

This can make The Great War functionally WW2, but obviously not a one to one match. I’m not a historian or anything, but this should come to mind for anyone who’s in the know about some Japanese history. Now that I’m bringing it up though, Mori’s attitude during the flashback with Yosano is put into context because he pretty much says himself that he needs his country to realize that they keep up with the rest of the world and that the battlefield is changing, and real life Japan did not care about how they did that.

With N, Chuuya, and Stormbringer too. I’m almost hesitant to bring this up because it’s so serious, but yes, Japan did do lethal human experimentation for that same purpose to keep up with the rest of the world and prove themselves.

Ahh, I went off track. Sorry, we were talking about how Asagiri writes characters, right? There is a lot of crossover between the real authors and their writing, so it’s sorta hard to tell with people like Dazai where the work influence ends and the the real person begins.

For me currently in my classic lit research period, I’m almost upset at myself for barley reading anything by Ryuunosuke Akutagawa because he’s my favorite character. I’ve just been so caught up doing my Oda Sakunosuke essay that I don’t have too much time for other authors. I’ve also picked up “The Similitude of Blossoms: A Critical Biography of Izumi Kyōka” recently (and A New Hamlet by Osamu Dazai, but that’s not important).

Ah, how much should I talk about.… hmm… how about Chuuya as an example of Literary Voice vs Real Person…. Lucy Montgomery and Edgar Allen Poe for Social Impact (for Japan specifically)…. and then.. Oh whatever, I’ll figure it out. One day I’ll talk about Kyouka, but not now. I’d feel ill prepared.

If you’ve ever read a poem by Chuuya Nakahara, taken in the emotion and deep feeling, and then found any fun facts about his interactions with other authors, there’s a huge contrast between those two modes that can be jarring. Im sure you can tell how that carries over to BSD. I’m impressed by how Asagiri is able to balance both the brash attitude of Chuuya and the inner literary voice that voices the emotion and care he has in him.

Edgar Allen Poe is slightly more obvious than Lucy’s influence (or maybe it’s Lucy’s, ah it depends), but both pop out at you when it’s pointed out. He was one of the first American authors to be introduced to Japan and fairly popular, but mainly we would point to Edogawa Ranpo as the most blatantly influenced by him and who his name is quite literally attached to. While Lucy Montgomery isn’t attached to anyone in particular, Anne of The Green Gables was wildly distributed in Japan when there were few english children books and became a hit.

There’s a television series too if you search for it. Any redhead, pigtail-braided girl you see in some Japanese media is because of her! It’s probably why these two have the most presence in the story currently compared to other members of the Guild and work with the Agency at times.

There are times when Asagiri will use influences outside of the author’s own catalog to create them, some literary like Albert Camus’s The Stranger and The Myth of Sisyphus (in writing characters like Dazai or Fyodor, I could make a post about that), and some just of his own anime/manga interests in other series like Jojo, Cowboy Bebop, Black Lagoon, etc. if you’re familiar.

I’d feel bad if I don’t at least show one example of this so, how about an Odasaku example with The Long Goodbye by Reymond Chandler? I was going to avoid talking about him until the essay, but I can’t help myself. Many have pointed out these parallels before, but Asagiri did point it to be his favorite book last year in an interview.

If you’ve noticed that the presentation for Dark Era in the anime comes off like a Noir film just like how Untold Origins came off like a black and white samurai film, good job! The Long Goodbye is a Noir novel about a detective named Phillip Marlowe who is unable to let go of a case involving a friend that was accused of murdering his own wife, but supposedly commits suicide and confesses to it before Marlowe is able to leave custody. By the end of the book, he uncovers the real perpetuator (a past lover of Terry Lennox’s before he was ever called by that name) and finds out where Lennox really is by poking into the story of where the message he got was sent.

He comes in with a new look and identity, and he asks if it’s too early for a gimlet. They say their last few words to each other, Marlowe flipping back and forth from acknowledging him as Terry Lennox and as a person he never knew, and then Marlowe tells him that “he’s not here anymore”. Marlowe had already told him goodbye when it was sad and lonely, so Lennox does the same here. That ends that mutual, long goodbye and he never sees Lennox again.

The immediate response I’ve see about this is how it parallels the relationship between Dazai and Odasaku. In The Day I Picked Up Dazai, just like how Marlowe brings him to his home to clean him up and meet up at the same bar for the next few months of their friendship, Odasaku also does so with Dazai and drinks a Gimlet for reasons he doesn’t know. In reality, Gimlets are a representation of the friendship between Marlowe and Lennox as it’s Lennox’s favorite drink. It makes it a little painful when Marlowe ignores him when he ask to go get a gimlet at that same bar they always went.

BEAST is more hyper specific about it by having Dazai ask the same question that Lennox asks when he gets smoked out and Odasaku asking for a gimlet with no bitters, which is specifically how Lennox takes it. Odasaku does not drink the gimlet at all though, showing that there is not friendship to start or accept or say goodbye to, as Lennox does ask Marlowe to drink a Gimlet to say goodbye to him in the letter. Just like TDIPUD is like their beginning, BEAST is their ending without ending because BEAST Dazai is not the same person he was friends with.

Odasaku fulfills being a detective and Dazai is the tragic friend with a past he doesn’t say anything about. Great. Now what I think people are missing when they entirely focus on Odasaku and Dazai when they talk about Lennox and Marlowe is that Lennox is narratively also Andre Gide.

If we were to split Lennox into three people just like his three identities, this is what it would look like:

The Friend: You help him out and don’t judge for his faults, in turn you go out to a bar with each other. It’s uneasy, but it’s worth a lot to the both of you. Eventually you have to part ways in death. (Dazai & Terry Lennox)

The Unknown: Is he someone you know? He acts like it, but he looks nothing like what you’ve encounter before. Maybe in some world you were, but that’s not now and it’s too late for this goodbye to be playing out. You let it happened though and you never see him again when he walks out that door. (BEAST Dazai & “Señor Maioranos”)

The Soldier: The past is right around the corner and its come to bite you in the ass. White hair and war memories haunting him with a scar as a reminder, he’s a reflection of you but maybe not. Who knows? (Andre Gide & “Paul Marston.”)

The initials “P.M.” of both his past name and Phillip Marlowe’s is meant to clue in how Eileen (the past lover) is connected to Lennox by her thinking of Marlowe as her past lover as she attempts to seduce him in some trance. What I’m trying to note here though is that you can take this as Lennox being another reflection of himself. It’s easy to do that reading for both Dazai and Gide as they’re both his foils and are purposely similar, but Gide aligns more with this past identity than Dazai does and retains his white hair.

Uhhh, wasn't planning to make a mini-analysis in the middle of my talking but okay. I'm leaving it off there. I went blank a lot while writing because I didn’t know what I wanted to comment on. There's too much to say about this large cast. I have way more literary fun facts and ideas to say, but nah.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #dazai osamu #mori ougai #bsd analysis #bsd meta #bsd edgar allan poe #bsd lucy #oda sakunosuke #odasaku #bsd beast #the day i picked up dazai #andre gide

[mrsnancywheeler]

ommggg i read let me down easy today and i kept re-reading it bc its TOO GOOD AHH !!🦅🦅

it hurt so much but im a whore for angst first, and a human second🫶

just thinking about the reader suffering in silence because she feels guilty for having any negative feelings towards finnick :(( the way she dismisses those feelings bc she thinks that whatever she’s going through is nothing compared to what he’s been through :((

also thinking abt finnick’s slow realization that she’s suffering because of him :(( like the incident at the market is when he began to notice the changes :(( and later when he fully understands how his behavior affected her IT MESSES HIM UP SO BAD

i just know he was remembering his past interactions with reader (where she breaks the glass / when she rejected his money at the pearl necklace stand) AND CRINGING …and it only gets worse when reader spills her guts about what she went through. omg ik he was sick.

another #thougjt i had was how this might mess up the reader for a bit after too #idk (that just might be me tho lmaoo) bc i feel like once you’ve been in that cycle of feeling depressed/insecure for so long it’s hard to snap out of, even with constant reassurance 😔

But maybe that’s just my angsty side talking HAHA

but i loved this fic, 11/10🫶

-🦅

omg yes, literally my favorite thing I've ever written. ik I wrote it, but it's the only thing of mine I reread bc it's like the perfect expression of how I feel, like if I could represent myself in one fic it would be that one if that makes any sense. it's like a concept that always haunts my mind no matter what I'm hyperfixating on maybe because I'm just like melancholy like that 🎀🎀🎀

but thank you so much, I'm literally so glad people are enjoying it because it literally is my own roman empire

yes she wants to be angry, she is angry, but refuses to let herself be because his issues are what she needs to prioritize. how can she be angry when he is constantly suffering? even if it's not so slowly tearing her apart, like a piece of paper sitting in water, she's trying to stay connected for the illusion of it all, to be strong for him.

her being loving isn't new to him, so he isn't thrown off by that, only slightly confused by her waking up earlier then usual. so her gifts have little bearing when he's used to it and he really doesn't want to feel loved right now because he's trying to reject whatever will make him seek comfort. when she starts changing her clothes and makeup, it's different, but he's not responsive because she's always been his pretty girl and always will be, her buying new clothes doesn't make him perceive her any differently or wonder if there's a reason, people try out new things.

when he notices how other peoples interactions with her have changed that's when he really starts to notice, if everyone else perceives her as melancholy then something has to be wrong. even if he's not quick to point the finger back to himself. he tries gifts, maybe she wouldn't buy something because she wanted him to do it, some sort of attention, but it's not big enough part of the issue to have any bearing on the effects it's now had on her. the girl rotting depression era shall we say. eventually through that, what people say to him, self-reflection he gains full consciousness of what he's been doing, how he's been hurting the person he loves so much. and the guilt is incomprehendable.

how could he be so selfish? so closed off as not to process all the clear cries for help? thinking about how he was getting annoyed, feeling like she was being moody when she insisted on doing the dishes until the dish broke. how she ran out into the ocean, in the rain without a care to regain some sense of composure, composure to try and make him happy. then the necklace thing, how could he miss her clearly trying just to be with him, be near him, have the interactions with him that he was giving to the girl at the shop instead? he was so unresponsive to the emotional needs he just assumed it to be a material need that he was willing to give. so when she rejects the money it just doesn't compute, to buy it she needs it, and then she tries to send the message that buying something isn't what she's asking for but he misses it completely. he gets snappy and it snaps her.

so when he's finally talking to her, he needs her to tell him the truth, the nuances because he's been so blind to all of it. he needs to know how he hurt her and it really is like a full wake up call. he can't let his own trauma consume him, allowing it to traumatize her in different ways. like when she mentions her getting to the point of just wanting him to want her body if he wouldn't want her because that's how people perceive him, that's what was hurting him, but he inadvertently made her feel that way. it breaks him to think that he did that to her, that he hurt his girl that way. then the idea that she would have let him cheat on her, she would've picked being with him over her own well-being, well she did, and he doesn't deserve that. he can't fathom how he could be with someone who loves him so blindly as to choose being with a ghost of him over not having him at all, when she deserves so much better. when he has been so callous with such a precious kind of love. or the fact that he even made it seem like he had interest in anyone but her.

there will be a fluffy, smutty requested sequel but readers issues afterwards will be lightly touched upon in it. but yes, she would have to spend so much time mending her relationship with herself afterwards. he's totally on hand and knee trying to make it up to her, to prove how much he loves and needs her, to give the attention she deserves. but she's still paranoid about cheating, insecure, scared, even if she tries to mask it. but he knows. he could, and does, spend hours praising her, telling her how pretty she is, how she's the only one, how sorry he is, how much he adores her, but it doesn't stop the nagging voice in the back of her head. she tries to hide it but she's clingier and he's okay with that, she needs him more.

but yes there's lots of long term effects the incident has on there relationship. and they have to try and navigate that together.

thank you pookie, I love your thoughts sm 💋💋💋💋💋💋

#wanda 💋 #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair x y/n #finnick odair #finnick odair fluff #finnick odair angst #finnick odair x reader fluff #finnick odair x you #🦅 anon

[flowerflowerflo]

bee's record player: march edition. 🎀𓂃 ࣪˖

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 !! notice !! ♡

surpriseee <3 wanted to try and add a little of my personal influence to my girlblog since music is literally my entire life & thought it might be funny to show u all what makes up the chaotic glittery mess that is my brain (and because there are almost 1000 of you beautiful people following me whatt?? thank you😭). i've allllways wanted to do smth like this too so, here u go !! 🩷💗

(+ this is a way for me to rant about my interests without being annoying to my friends / moots 😭. to anybody who has listened to me rant or cry or scream or whatever over music ily guys mwa)

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 NEW ARRIVALS

goddess, laufey

♡ released march 6th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 4 minutes 28 seconds

eternal sunshine, ariana grande

♡ released march 8th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: supernatural, the boy is mine, we can't be friends (wait for your love), intro (end of the world)

♡ running time: 35 minutes 33 seconds

unheard, hozier

♡ released march 22nd, 2024

♡ extended play / EP

♡ best songs: too sweet (i adore this song.)

♡ running time: 13 minutes 59 seconds

super real me, illit

♡ released march 25th, 2024

♡ extended play / EP, debut! ♡

♡ best songs: magnetic, midnight fiction

♡ running time: 9 minutes 36 seconds

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 BEE'S TRACKS: TOP 10

♡ 10. my world, illit

girly girl song!! i've been obsessed with illit's whole super real me album, their debut is soo good oh my gosh. its criminally short but i seem to have listened to it a lot !! 😭

♡ 9. we can't be friends (wait for your love), ariana grande

i have SO MUCH to say about this song but it resonates with me so much in so many different ways and i just. oh my god. ariana i love u so much

♡ 8. we got so much, le sserafim

k so i initially didn't really like this song but... it's grown on me. a lot. since it first came out. um. it's pretty simple honestly and it's just really girly girl it makes me feel like a school girl i love it

♡ 7. this is what makes us girls, lana del rey

girlblogger anthem!! okay confession i did not get into this song until LAST MONTH. i know. it's terrible and i am ashamed i am so sorry. but i have formed such a strong emotional attachment to this song its crazy i adore it

♡ 6. imperfect for you, ariana grande

exposing myself pt.3 i was in a really big depressive slump for like one half or more of this month actually and this song helped me so much i can't 😭 i love you ari

♡ 5. the boy is mine, ariana grande

(are you noticing a pattern here yet) um another ariana grande song no lol um idk what ur talking about haha 🥰 this song is so twerkable im sorry i wasnt a fan at first but im obsessed i need to stop

♡ 4. smart, le sserafim

no words. once again wasn't a huge fan originally but oh my god im obsessed w it now. afrobeat type of songs are, will, and always be top tier and i will die on this hill. (i've been SO OBSESSED with le sserafim lately but i think thats fairly obvious here😭)

♡ 3. eternal sunshine, ariana grande

i adore this song oh my god. its become one of my favs of all time since it came out. this was on loop for HOURS when i first heard it and its such a comfort song for me. it shows her growth so beautifully and there's so much about it i just absolutely adore like i could write a whole essay on this song and still wouldnt be able to express how much i love it

♡ 2. magnetic, illit

illit was bound to pop up here again this month tbh ok so me and my bsf were listening to this on loop the entire time at school a little after it came out like we were sitting in the front row of our class and were still watching the magnetic mv under the desk on her phone. so in love with this song it makes me so happy n feel so cute i ahh <3

♡ 1. supernatural, ariana grande

SUPERNATURAL IS THE SONG EVER. first day it came out i listened to the album and this was on loop constantly for the next week or more. it's made it up to my top 10 fav songs of all time ever and i listen to A LOT of music. this song is my life<333

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ALBUMS

♡ 1. eternal sunshine, ariana grande

fairly self explanatory. i love u ari. there was soo much ari this month bc ive been a diehard ari stan since i was 8 and have never looked back. since yes and released in january i have been ecstatic about ag7 releasing in march after 4 YEARS of no ari so this was MONUMENTAL for me 😭😭 THE DROUGHT IS OVER ARIANATORS RISE 🩷🩷🩷

♡ 2. super real me, illit

so basically the day this album came out my best friend was spamming me about them and i only listened to them like 2 days after cuz she was annoying me about it and OH MY GOD. i listened to them and then proceeded to loop the whole album for the next 72 hours 💗 and for a debut as well is amazing ily illit girlies

♡ 3. with you-th, twice

so i wasn't much of a fan at first bc they just sounded really similar and bland to me but its grown on me a lot since it came out and i've been listening to it so much throughout the entirety of march. its just so oddly comforting in a way and feels like a hug in music form (+ rush and bloom are the best songs argue with the wall)

♡ 4. easy, le sserafim

self explanatory. i'm obsessed with le sserafim at the moment and this album is everything to me. ass shaking album 10/10

♡ 5. k-12, melanie martinez

i have been revisiting one of my fav albums of all time this month and its as amazing as always. this has been my favourite album of all time since it came out and i will never ever get over k12 🩷 10000/10!!!! <3

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ARTISTS

♡ TOMORROW X TOGETHER

♡ TWICE

♡ LANA DEL REY

♡ LE SSERAFIM

♡ ARIANA GRANDE

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 SPECIAL MENTIONS

♡ happy 1 year to portals by melanie martinez! oh my god this album helped me through all of 2023 and i went to see her on tour in london for my birthday last november and it was surreal. she's amazing. i adore her and this album (i have it on vinyl hehe) and love it SOO MUCH 💖

♡ expect ordinary things by ariana grande to be high high on my top 10 next month its been on loop for days now im obsessed

♡ there's going to be a LOT in next month's issue seeing as 2 of my all time favs are coming back next month, so prepare for that! so excited ahh <3 (one has already released at the time of writing this. prepare urselves.)

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 EDITOR'S NOTE

this was SO FUN oh my gosh. i am 100% making this a regular thing~ lmk if it was entertaining, improvements needed, artists / albums you'd like me to keep up with etc, or just general comments, ideas, reviews and so on. thank you so much for reading, this was so fun! look forward to next month 💗🫶💖

lots of love 💘

#very excited ab this <3 #hope you like it <3 #girlblogging #it girlism ୨𖹭୧ #wonyoungism #it girl #pink pilates princess #girlhood #female hysteria #self care #messy girl #girly stuff #girlcore #girly tumblr #pinterest girl #this is a girlblog #hyperfemininity #divine feminine #princess #pink aesthetic #pinkcore #sanrio #im just a girl #self growth #self improvement #music #magazine #music video #spotify #rockstar girlfriend

[askmalal]

The Primarchs and their brothers:

Part 4. Perturabo

1. The Lion

“The application is sound, but the methodology is flawed.”

2. REDACTED

“Few of my brothers accepted me initially. I can in fact count them on one hand. He was among them. He will always have my respect.”

3. Fulgrim

“Mud… mud everywhere.”

5. Jaghatai Khan

“He believes that artillery is an apex predator. That is well and good, but his men themselves win those campaigns. I think the truth is that all of his legionaries are barely restrained sharks. Set them loose, and the Galaxy will bleed…”

6. Leman Russ

“He is a strange combination of loving father and abusive mother to his lads. They love him, they hate him, ultimately they revere him.”

7. Rogal Dorn

“He tortures himself with the notion that we are rivals. I entertain myself with the notion that he is a madman. “

8. Konrad Curze

“He digs holes, and digs them very well. Oh, you wanted more, did you? Very well. Something, something, logistics.”

9. Sanguinius

“The way he speaks about mathematics is intoxicating. The man weaves a poem out of raw numbers.”

10. Ferrus Manus:

“We are both at times taken hostage by the worst elements are our temperament and betimes allow this to cloud our judgement. I am willing to accept this as a fact of life and to work to atone for it. Such knowledge, however, can drive him into fits of depression. Or to further pique. I am unsure which is worse.”

11. REDACTED

“As is known, we correspond regularly. I would describe him affectionately as the best terrible person I know. He makes me laugh and infuriates me in equal measure.”

12. Angron

“I have the excuse in as much that my anger is often exacerbated by what my captors did to me. Perturabo… Perturabo is simply a bastard.”

13. Guilliman

“If he were in charge of a rebuilding effort on Terra, the oceans would be restored within a decade, the air would be clean, ancient cities would bloom anew.., and Constantine Valdor would lose at least one reason to complain.”

14. Mortarion

“One of the few beings I know who would spend a decade planning a public garden, another decade planting it, and then destroy it in a single night if a flower was pushed out of place by an errant pedestrian simply to spite them.”

15. Magnus

“He is well read. A qualified scholar. At times given to overt generosity, at other times patronizing. We are well matched.”

16. Horus

“Careful, brother. You are asking about a man who believes even a compliment given him behind his back is a grave insult.”

17. Lorgar

“He is an atheist. Should you forget this, have no fear: he will remind you each and every time you converse with him. “

18. Vulkan

“The best way to manage Perturabo at his worst is to politely remind him of a mistake he has made in your presence. He will then avoid making that mistake forever simply to prove you wrong. “

19. Corvus Corax

“Ahh yes. Precisely what the Imperium needs. Another loud mouth overly emotional Neo-Hellenistic Warlord.”

20. Alpharius Omegon

“He isn’t often wrong, you know. It is. ..unfortunate that he such a shit. As such, many of us delight in collecting those instances when he is and passing them around like treasured heirlooms at every family gathering.”

#the primarchs and their brothers #the primarchs #perturabo #the great crusade #Horus heresy #malal #malice #ask malal #askmalal

[ravenbloodshot]

Dean (Krnb Artist) Reputation Reading

I feel like dean has a lot of "yes men" or enablers that surround him. People view him as moody and the type to act like a asshole when he doesn't get his way but people around him also excuse this aspect of him. Like if Dean walked out of a restaurant him and his friends were hanging put at bc he was in his feelings about something petty,his friends would be the type to say "ahh, someone go get him, let him know we didn't mean what we said" kind of coddling him and appeasing him. If somebody was to question why Dean acts like a child and why his friends put up with it, they would get a "boys will be boys" response

People view him as an emo, loner boy. Like a person who wants to be left alone and isn't open to new adventures or doing anything outside of his comfort zone.

I think a lot of people try to get Dean to put them on and help in their careers, but Dean doesn't help these people. And his reason may be that he doesn't know how to, he's like "man, I barely know how I did it myself". So people could view him as kind of "know-nothing artists", like an artist that may act like they know the ins and outs of what it takes to make it in the industry but in reality they don't know shit. The good thing about this is people think he's also just a naturally gifted artist, seeing as how he doesn't have the "know how" so his talents seem more organic and is respected amongst others.

People view him as a guy who uses a lot of dark humor at his own expense and others (says self depreciating and depressive jokes). But also, he's quite sensitive about ppl joking about him or teasing him (he doesn't care for this, could catch an attitude if he thinks someone's gone too far with joking about him). Like the example I gave in the beginning, he could storm out if he starts feeling a way. And he probably does that often.

People like the way he sings and also the way he speaks. He sounds very lyrical and angelic, his speech is quite lithe. People feel as if they could listen to him for hours.

Ummmm....I think Dean may have a child (an unexpected child). I was already getting a vibe that people, even in his close circles, don't see him often. And then I kept pulling, and I got the energy of a woman that loves him dearly and thinks of him as her soul mate. Then, I pulled a card called "children." I just assumed at first ppl thought he's childish and petty (which is still likely true). But the next card after called "pregnancy," this speaks for itself. The man has a secret family somewhere

That's probably why he takes so long to put out new music, preoccupied with his girl and kid.

I doubt he wants the public to know. Bc I struggled for about 2 weeks to tap into his energy. I think he was guarding himself to keep his situation quiet. I guess I should stop here then, leave him and his secrets alone

There Goes My Baby by Usher is a song that fits this reading

#dean #krnb #krnb artist #kwon hyuk #scorpio sun #dean tarot #Spotify

[hazelhearts]

We'll Be Alright

Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader

summary: love takes time, especially when the person you love hurts you in the worst way possible

content/warnings: suicidal thoughts, depressive thoughts, miscommunication trope, wandavision, heartbreak

note/request: ahh my first wanda fic! it's been a long time coming. i put so much of myself into this one so I hope you guys love it as much as I do. warning, it hurts bad.

word count: 2.1k words

masterlist

Staying behind on missions had been a pretty normal thing for you over the past couple of weeks. You could listen to the dumb reasons Tony talked about for hours and hours every day, but the simpler thought is that he's an ass.

Usually Wanda would insist on staying back with you, but she didn't say a word this time. You assumed it was because of Vision. Things have gotten pretty tense between them the past couple of days, and sadly it wasn't the bad kind of tense.

Anyone with eyes could see that Wanda was gorgeous. But beyond that she was kind, compassionate, independent, and knew what she wanted. Not many people could say that these days. Especially not the clump of metal that's been trying to win her over.

Loving Wanda was honestly one of the worst things you could have ever done for yourself. She's been an emotional rock since Pietro, barely letting anyone in. You had only recently broken down some of the barriers, able to convince her to hang out with you. Most of the time it was just sitting silently in each others presence, but that was enough for you.

As the thoughts continued to run through your head, your phone suddenly rang. It took a couple of rings to really gain your attention, but the caller ID made you pick up so fast that it didn't really matter.

"Wanda?"

"Hey Y/N, um Tony wanted me to tell you to make sure that you washed the dishes. Something about how you kept skipping your assigned days?" The joy of talking to Wanda was always dulled by the mention of stick up his ass Stark. Sure you'd skipped a couple of days, but Thor loved doing them! He said that they didn't have to do it in Asgard and that it was one of his favorite mortal pastimes.

"Yeah, tell the asshole that they'll be done. But not because he wants me to, because I wanna eat dinner at some point tonight and the man doesn't touch a dirty dish." Wanda's laugh made the annoying remark worth it, the image of her smile making you grin like an idiot.

"Okay well that's all. See you later." She hung up before you could get out another word. Damn, so much for trying to be smooth Y/N.

----------

The team returned about two hours later, minimal injuries across the board. Wanda seemed to be the worse off. If you looked really closely, you could see a slight limp.

"Wanda-"

"C'mon, let's patch you up." If you weren't in front of the entire team, you'd crush that tin man into a cube and ship him to the nearest manufacturing facility.

Wanda and Vision walked into her room, practically staring into each other's souls. You were disgusted by the pda, that's all. Right?

"Stark, what's on the menu tonight?" Steve received a glare that was probably supposed to be intimidating but ended up making him look constipated.

"Whatever I put on the table. Now scram, or no one gets fed." You had never seen so many full-grown adults run out of a room at the same time.

You stopped in front of Wanda's room hoping the asshole of a robot was gone. For once, your wish was granted.

"Wands?" You lightly knocked on the door frame to keep from startling her. She nodded her head at you, as distant as ever.

"Wanna watch a movie? I picked out a few I thought you'd like." You knew there was too much hope in your voice but you couldn't help it. Since the titanium twat waffle showed up, you barely ever had a moment alone with Wanda.

"I'm sorry Y/N. Vision and I were actually going to do something tonight. Maybe some other time?" You forced the smile to stay on your face, refusing to show her any negative emotions.

"Oh yeah, sure. Another time." You walked out without another word, debating on asking Tony to deactivate the thorn in your side before you did it yourself.

----------

You began to feel immune to the passing of days as you and Wands drifted further and further apart. Every second she wasn't on a mission was spent with Vision. Your heart broke more every day, if that was even possible.

The rest of the team had started to notice your absence. Even when you were with them physically, you were somewhere else. They knew that asking Wanda to read your mind was out of the question. You had clarified that the first time the idea was spoken. Since then, they've all worried in silence. Even shithead Stark was starting to worry about you.

The team (minus you, Wanda, and Vision) got together and put it to a vote. Who would be the one to check on you? None of them really wanted to since emotions were not their strong suit, but it had to be done. The vote ended in a tie between Nat and Steve. Steve, being the only one brave enough to actually do it, knocked on your door a few minutes later.

"Y/N? It's Steve. Can I come in?" No response.

"Y/N, give me some sign that you're alive." Nothing, yet again.

"Alright, I'm coming in." Steve opened the door and there you were, staring out the window.

There were dark bags under your eyes, dried tears splattered across your face, and a haze over your eyes that Steve hadn't ever seen before. Your clothes looked like they hadn't been washed in weeks, as they probably hadn't. Your room was surprisingly clean, seeming as if no one had lived in it for quite a long time. It was true, since what you were doing wasn't really living.

"Y/N..." He knelt down next to the chair you were in, looking out the window. He knew you probably didn't want to talk, but you had to. No one had heard a single word come out of your mouth in months. Not even Wanda.

"Y/N/N, talk to me kid. I'm worried, Nat's worried, we're all worried. You haven't said a word in months, you barely eat, and you barely ever leave this room. I need you to talk to me." Your head turned towards Steve, absent look still present behind your eyes.

"Do you ever feel like the universe is plotting against you? Like, every time you find happiness, it comes in and squashes it?" Your voice was completely monotone apart from the scratch that showed just how unused it was.

"Kid, I should have been dead ages ago. I lost the woman I loved, the life I was living, and my best friend in what felt like a month to me. So yeah, I understand." Your head turned back to the window, but your eyes slowly focused more on the area around you.

"I'm just tired, Steve. I'm so damn tired. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of thinking, and honestly I think I'm even tired of living. Everything hurts." Steve's hand came up to rub your back, giving you the slightest bit of comfort.

"Well, let's wake you up. I know that there's no automatic remedy, but we can try can't we? How about you start with a nice shower, brushing your teeth, and changing out of these nasty clothes?" Your hand found Steve's on the armrest of the chair, giving it a light squeeze.

"Are you saying I stink Rogers?" You both let out a laugh, his much stronger than yours, but still a laugh. The first laugh you'd had in months. It felt good.

"God yes. You smell like a sewer. Now, go." Steve laughed as he left the room, and you got out of the chair.

----------

"Y/N/N! We missed you!" Thor practically ran to you and scooped you up into a hug, cutting off all of your oxygen.

"Can't- breathe. Thor, o-oxygen!"

"Shit! Sorry tiny." He finally let you go, your face slowly gaining back color. You smiled, really smiled.

"I might be tiny but that doesn't mean I can't beat the shit out of you blondie!" Everyone laughed, happy to have a bit of the old Y/N back, no matter how little.

"I made breakfast!" Tony came around in his signature Kiss the Cook apron, a huge plate on pancakes holding on for dear life.

"God, you read my mind." You and the rest of the team rushed to the table, excited as ever to scarf down every bit of food within reach.

One thing you did happen to notice was Wanda. She sat next to you, as far away from Vision as possible. You dismissed it, trying not to get your hopes up as it didn't work out well at all last time.

You practically inhaled the food, finishing three plates in record time. You even beat Thor's personal record, pissing him off more than ever.

You saw Wanda approach you out of the corner of your eye, keeping your head facing down towards the sink. You were sure that these dishes had never been as thoroughly scrubbed as they were right then.

"Y/N? Can we talk?" You risked looking up at her, seeing only sadness behind those beautiful emerald eyes you loved. The sight made you want to throw up.

"Yeah sure, we can go to my room." You put the final dish away, leading Wanda towards your room and shutting the door behind you.

"Okay, what's up?" Before you could even fully turn around, Wanda collapsed into your arms. You grabbed onto her as tightly as you could, holding her as close to you as you could manage.

"I missed you. God, I missed you so much. I read your thoughts, I know you asked me not to, but I had to! You were never around and I was worried! I saw everything, everything about me." You were definitely going to puke.

"Oh god Wanda. You were never supposed to see that." You averted your eyes, unable to look at the woman you loved. You couldn't face her rejection when you were just starting to pick yourself back up.

"Y/N, look at me, please." She put her finger under your chin, raising your head enough to look into her eyes.

"I love you, I should have said it sooner. I just- I thought you could never feel the same way. You were always so fun and amazing, I never thought you'd want me. So, I went to Vision, trying to get over you. But it didn't work! I can't stop thinking about you, and I think you can't stop thinking about me either." The words you always wanted to hear were finally spoken to you, and all you felt was dread.

"Wanda, of course I still think about you. I can't help it. But I'm not in the place for a relationship right now. I just started trying to get myself back together. I just started recovering from the first time you broke me. I can't put myself through that again yet. No matter how much I love you, I need to love me for a while." Wanda slowly nodded her head, averting her eyes this time.

"It's not a no, it's a give me time. I don't wanna make you wait, but I can't do it. I love you Wanda, so much, and knowing you feel the same way about me? I'm over the moon. But I need time, time to gather all these thoughts I'm having and pull myself together." You grabbed Wanda's hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"I understand. I'm happy you're taking care of yourself." She smiled at you. You could tell it was forced, but you appreciated the effort.

"Do you think we can be friends, y'know, until you're ready?" You smiled right back at Wanda, yours much more sincere than hers.

"I would want nothing more. But, I do have one request."

"What might that be?" Wanda smirked, making you even more confident in what you were about to do.

"This." You kissed her. You poured every bit of love and care you had for her into the kiss, expressing all the words you couldn't say with the movements of your tongue and lips. Wanda kissed back just as passionately, love nearly drowning you.

You both knew that it would take time. You needed to heal, and Wanda did too. You'd both been through a lot, emotionally and mentally. But, until you got your happy ending, you could have her by your side supporting you in the same way she used to. That would be enough, for now.

----------

taglist form

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #mcu #marvel #mcu x reader #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #thor odinson #tony stark #vision #tw depressive thoughts #tw suicidal thoughts #miscommunication #wanda maximoff imagine #the scarlet with #wanda maximoff fanfiction #wanda imagine #elizabeth olsen

[bfdifan26]

please do list of every burner depression i love this show so so much you should do that

okay! thank you for enabling me. disclaimer im not a Depression Expert i pretty much only know what i go through myself. have fun

ok so roomy isnt a contestant but i do wanna talk about her. i feel like the whole thing with her literally being the room can be compared to something like a kid with depression not leaving their room and just living within a tight window of reality, only ever speaking to their parents and stuff. i feel like roomy can be related to that as she literally can’t leave. like executive dysfunction the character. also her personality, only caring about being nice and not hurting others, and by doing that not letting anyone know who she really is or how she really feels

okay onto the contestants now. rosey is a very interesting character, what draws me in about her the most is her almost refusal to appear vulnerable or overwhelmed by anything, always needing a guaranteed way to do something so she knows it’ll work. this can be seen as somebody with depression relying on things in their life that they know off by heart, things like routines and rituals they perform daily, having something to fall back on and feel some normalcy through. again she’s very similar to roomy with the whole social butterfly thing

spraypaint is tricky because we’ve basically only ever seen her be like Ahh im gonna kill you be scared. but i do think she has a reason to constantly be like that towards people. nobody is ever aggressive because they like it i dont think anyone likes being on guard 24/7. i feel like she relies on her knife alot, for example in the scene where she argues with playdoh after they run into eachother, she tries to just kill him right there instead of bothering to interact with him once she gets bored of him and decides he has nothing to say that she wants to hear (based but only because it’s playdoh)

kit seems to be very self confident unlike the majority of the other characters, but for the entire time, others have kind of decided what kit is like in their heads and settled on it, based off how she appears. that being limey seeing how relaxed and inexpressive she is and that making him think that she doesn’t care about things around her. with depression it can be easy to get tired of some things, but people then assume you don’t care about anything, and that you’re just apathetic, and/or constantly thinking you’re sad when like. thats just how you look Lol. that’s what kit and how she’s treated reminds me of

speaking of limey. he’s pretty similar to spraypaint, except he’s much more sensitive, or at least outwardly. it doesn’t take much for him to feel overwhelmed and like everybody is out to get him, and he’s always trying to counter this feeling by insisting to both others and himself that he has something up his sleeve that’ll make everyone regret thinking badly of him. he’s just a very defensive character and who can blame him. oh also hes very clearly hyperfixated on the idea of being a cartoony super villain or something. it’s a part of his identity he relies ALOT on, always falling into it especially when he feels threatened

pilly is very organised and on top of everyone else, and his only fault ive noticed is his detachment. he says to record outright that he doesn’t need or want friends, and purposely blends in to make sure he isn’t noticed and nobody tries to connect with him. i think this can be 2 different things; either he just straight up doesn’t like other people and finds them draining and just another hassle, or he really would like a friend but would rather not reach out from fear of being rejected. i think it’s the first one but you can never know

peanut is another character who’s very isolated except for him it’s nobody’s fault or deliberate choice really. we’ve seen that he lives in the middle of the country out on a farm, either living on his own or with his close family. my personal idea of him involves the second one and that also fits in with this. one of peanut’s very first lines is that he doesn’t care about what happens to him and is mostly focused on doing things for others’ sake. hes seen to be used to doing the dirty work for people and to be happy with it being like this. i think peanut relies on being a helping hand since well. that’s all he really knows how to do, and how to be wanted by others

to say polaroid is overshadowed by the other characters is an understatement both in the show and outside. like i think he’s the character with the least fanart, even including the one-time cameo dudes. its a shame because he’s SO good. his most noticeable trait first up is that he can’t speak verbally, and for others to acknowledge his words they have to put effort in which. unfortunately alot of people dont. like this hes ignored easily and often, being talked over, people dragging him around and ordering him to do things without listening to what he thinks first. but despite this hes so caring, seen with him encouraging pilly even after he threatened him with elimination (have i ever mentioned i love those two’s relationship so much) and comforting roomy and going with her to help with her fears

record is like. id say one of the most depression coded objects ever. she’s shy but not the stereotypical shy archetype, questioning people’s orders and sometimes even getting frustrated with others. she’s shown to have trouble explaining herself to others, feeling like she needs to in order to be forgiven for well. Literally just standing there. not much i can say about her that hasn’t been said /agreed on already

onto hanger my favourite… hanger is again, talked over by basically everyone. she rarely has the opportunity to ‘prove herself’ to others and when she does, the credit is taken away from her and it doesn’t matter how much she yells and argues, she can never be listened to. when this happens to someone it can easily feel like nothing you do will ever work and it’s just hopeless to even think of doing anything right or impressing anybody. i wouldn’t say hanger feels like that since we’ve seen that she’s very strong willed, but that’s just the thing. she HAS to stop herself from feeling that way because nobody else will, she has nobody else to rely on.

except erasey

erasey is similar to kit with the whole under expressive thing, as well as it being seen that they kind of struggle with motivation. they seem to have a kind of omnipotence that makes it so that they know what to do and how to do it, and if it’s even worth it to try. but apart from that they don’t do much else, that’s all that’s important to them. they only try to do what they absolutely need to

i hope playdoh cries again in burner 4

#long post #i encourage you to write your own thing about playdoh bc im not doing it #burner #burner osc #burner object show #roomy #rosey #spraypaint #kit #limey #pilly #peanut #Polaroid #record #hanger #erasey #playdoh #tbh i struggle to do anything for tissues. he’s like erasey except he has fun with it lol

[crehador]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

ahh this is such a fun question, thanks so much for the ask! a difficult question as well lol, i am very indecisive so a top 10 anything is... tough

i'll limit myself to animanga only, aaand lump some characters in under the same banner so there's definitely going to be more than 10 here. i'm also prohibiting myself from giving more than one slot to hpmi characters or that would just be the whole list

anyway:

ICHISAMA (package deal, do not separate)

this is probably obvious (or should be obvious) from my pinned but in first place are of course my forever blorbos (and forever otp) ichiro and samatoki of hypnosis mic

it's hard to say what i like about them besides "literally everything" which is kind of funny because for like the first year-ish of me being into hpmi neither of them were my top favorites lol

and now i genuinely have to say i like them both equally, and like them both the most. out of any characters of anything ever. i typed a bunch of paragraphs after this but think i'll actually just stop here because nothing really does justice to how they make me feel (unwell, in a good way)

this post is already getting long so everything else will go under a cut! and besides ichisama in first, none of the other characters will be strictly ranked in order. mostly just listed as i think of them

2. bon my beloved, of showa genroku rakugo shinju

this is my favorite anime of all time, and what i would personally consider the best anime of all time, and bon is perhaps the single most beautiful character with the single most beautiful story i've consumed ever. i never feel any urge to make or consume fanworks of this series because it's just so mind-blowingly perfect and complete to me

i won't spoil too much about the series, but it's a tragedy, and that's something i don't read or watch much of. so it's truly exception for this to be my favorite, but it was just that good

bon is in so many ways a tragic character, and the series allows you to see him through his whole life. he's tragic in such a hauntingly beautiful way, though, and i left the series feeling like he now lives in my bones

this is probably also my favorite ishida akira role ever, which is saying a lot because he's always great. i love the anime because it gives such life to the rakugo performed in the series, and though i'm not an expert on rakugo, i felt like the performances were top-tier. and it always impresses me when voice actors take on roles that require them to perform a whole ass other art form (like rakugo or rap)

3. aomine (knb) AND grimmjow (bleach)

these are the same goddamn man i'm putting them together no one can stop me. they are a) blue b) panther-coded c) very aggro d) very aggro at a ginger mc specifically e) DEPRESSED and f) voiced by suwabe

(though honestly grimmjow's just here because they're too similar to separate, aomine's the real favorite here)

the thing with aomine is basically—

—and that paired with his tough guy/badass/fuckface manner is very appealing to me. i don't think it's even remotely possible for me to be brief in why he's so dear to me, but the short version is he's a deeply traumatized asshole and i'm into that

4. KIYOSE HAIJI RUN WITH THE WIND GUY OF ALL TIME (and various other sports guys who are single mothers)

i may have a lot of guys of all times but haiji is for real. before ichiro he was my favorite character of anything ever for a while, and he is definitely my favorite type of sports guy (so a lot of other sports guys are going to be lumped into this category with him lol)

he has an infectious passion for running and he will infect you. whether you let him or not. it's not negotiable. you will run. no matter what

i think he brings out the best in those around him, sometimes at a detrimental cost to himself. he pushes his team hard but pushes himself even harder. we stan a self-destructive king

and i'm putting natsusa number24 right in this rank with him

because while number24 is objectively Not a good anime, it's easily one of my favorite sports series and i sincerely love natsusa just as much as i love haiji. natsusa is like if someone made haiji but cranked the bitch factor up to one billion, he is the most gaslit gatekeep girlboss guy in all of sports anime and i love him for that

bonus shoutout to iura kei of shakunetsu kabaddi, usui yuuta of days, and sugawara koushi of haikyuu. gotta be my favorite flavor of sports guy

(ok this is not even fully true because i think my days favorite did ultimately end up being mizuki because he's just so fucking stupid BUT usui i still love you.........)

5. kaworu and all his ridiculously many expies (aka the "and then a weird guy appear" category)

basically i'm talking about these fucks

they show up, sometimes not even for very long, and all they do is cause problems (ok victor probably doesn't really belong here but he honestly does fit the mold and i'm too lazy to crop him out from this old graphic i made lol) and love another weird guy so catastrophically that it alters the course of the story

the way kaworu loves shinji the way komaeda loves hinata the way zashunina…… obsesses over shindo. like fine wine to me, chef's kiss. tbh that's why victor fits the mold for me, his and yuuri's love is less the "People Will Die" type of catastrophic but it's still life-changing, life-saving, for them both

ironically even though kaworu is a ryo expy himself i'm not. i'm not that big on ryo, i'll be honest. maybe it's because i wasn't the biggest of netflix devilman in general. i should probably read the manga sometime, might change my mind

6. SOFT BOYS natsume and rei

putting them together in part because lol look at them making the same pose on their anime covers even

these are both (natumse's book of friends and march comes in like a lion) two of my favorite series, and two of my favorite protagonists. they're soft but not weak, hurt but not broken. it just feels comfortable to spend time with them, to follow them even when they're hurting

7. CELTY MY BELOVED, of durarara

honestly celty is just cool as fuck. there are lots and lots of reasons to love her but i get so incoherent about it. it's really strange because i feel like the way narita writes women is not great in many ways, and yet... he always fucking... writes the hottest fucking women goddamn, i can't be mad about that

i always liked shinra too. because of how relatable he was lmao. i would be a weird little man about celty too i'm sorry

8. sir integra fairbrook wingates hellsing, of hellsing

god. yet another. she's just so fucking cool. massively obsessed with her. it's been too long since i've watched hellsing (and durarara for that matter) for me to remember a ton of details but her whole personality is just so appealing to me

you know the way people like fma olivier armstrong. sir integra's my armstrong

9. hei, of darker than black

once again he's just cool as fuck, also i'm chinese and it's rare to see a really good chinese character in anime, much less as a main character. darker than black is an older series at this point, but it remains one of my old favorites. second season was a bit questionable but honestly i didn't hate it. my boy got fuucked uuupppppp (said with delight)

funny story about hei is when i first started watching the show there was this moment where i thought "this is a weird detail to notice but something about his collarbones look really nice to me? they're just two lines but idk they're lovely"

THEN LATER IN THE SERIES on at least two other occasions that i can remember, maybe more, actual characters in canon commented on THIS SPECIFIC THING. HIS COLLARBONES. so what do i like about hei? what does anyone like about hei? apparently it's his collarbones lmao

10. nooooo i'm running out of space now and there are so many more blorbso i would talk about i can't choose who to put here but but but closing my eyes and picking the first name that comes to mind MIKOTO SUOH K PROJECT

part of me thinks i shouldn't actually put him here because he's, like, red samatoki lmao but no he deserves a spot. i think. idk. that's what i'm going with for now but, you know, indecisive

anyway. love a tragic mfer with one dead boyfriend who haunts the narrative and another ex who [redacted idk if anyone is going to be reading this far but just in case no one wants k spoilers i want say anything but you know this show is old as balls by now]

i actually love both of the factions in k (there are more factions later but i'm focusing on red and blue) because they're both families in different ways, and mikoto and munakata both care about their families in different ways (yes i love that bitch munakata too)

and the way they care for their people while failing to fully let their people care for them in return is sooooo delicious as a character trait to me

so that's the end of this enormous post i guess! there are approximately a billion other characters i love that i didn't get to mention but i will do my best to shut up now lmao

thank you again for the ask, very fun exercise to think about!

#asks #long post #<- NOT KIDDING. DO NOT CLICK THE READ MORE IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED. IT'S A BEAST #actually last thing is OBLIGATORY SHOUTOUT TO DOMINIC CREHADOR I GUESS LMAO #I LOVE YOU YOU LEOPARD PRINT BITCH SORRY FOR STEALING YOUR NAME #you unfortunately do not make it into the top 10 and are in fact not even my favorite character of your series #but i do love you.........

[honniedonnie]

I don't want to wake up! Tighnari x GN!Reader ANGST Pt.2 (two)

Thank you to @persephone-kore-law for this idea 

“But imagine if Tighnari somehow got stuck in a samsara, that looping dream thing, he would never want to wake up if it’s about his s/o being alive. Even if he became aware it’s a dream, he doesn’t want to leave”

I changed a few things from the original prompt. 

This is part 2 (two) of my Tighnari angst that I wrote.  

Masterlist

EDIT: PART 3 (THREE)

TW/CW: Hurt/Little Comfort (not really) mentions death, depression, guilt, hints at an attempt, mentions hallucinations. Yeah, this story does not end happily…

Word count: 572 words

Pronouns: They/Them

Notes: Usage of pet names and (Y/N)’s. I have yet to finish the Archon Quest, so it’s not going to be a samsara, Tighnari’s just gonna eat a hallucinogenic mushroom. 

‘It was an accident, it was an accident, it was an accident!’ (Or was it?) "At least that was what he said to himself. Tighnari didn’t mean to ingest an unknown mushroom, he just got curious; there was a mushroom of unknown origin, and as a man of botany, he had to figure out how it affected the body. Yes, for the safety of others, clearly not for his selfish desires to meet his spouse again…right? 

“Tighnari, darling, wake up!” A very familiar voice called out his name. ‘Where, where am I? This scent?! Can it be!’ As soon as the very familiar scent reached his nose, he instantly scrambled out of bed.  “OH! TIGHNARI!!! You scared me! Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?” His head was staring at the floor of the room. He doesn’t want to look; he couldn’t no matter how much he wants to, he just doesn’t want to be disappointed. "What's wrong, my love? Are you not feeling well? Should I make a cup of herbal tea? Should I fetch medicine?!" The very familiar voice says with a concerned tone. It was only when the very familiar person who walked up to Tighnari and put their hand on his forehead, that he dared to look up. And there you were… His dead spouse. His true love, the sunlight in his life. "(Y-Y/N)!!!" He couldn’t help it, tears just started running down his face. He hugged you hard. Fearing if he let go, then you would disappear. "Ugh Tighnari, I can't breathe!" "Sorry, I just miss you, I miss you so so much!" His voice wavers "Tighnari, I'm here, I'm right here. You might have had a nightmare. Everything's okay, I'm here, I'm okay. We could stay here, forever" Y/N says with a soft tone, as a way to calm down the green-haired fox person. "I would like that, let's stay here! Forever! I wholeheartedly promise I will protect you with my life" Tighnari confidently boasted. As if saying those words would make him forget the nightmare. Sadly, all dreams have to end…

A bright light invades his vision. "Master Tighnari, you're awake!" "Tighnari are you okay, you had Paimon and the traveler very worried! You're very lucky that we found you. You were dozing off on the trunk of a tree and when we yelled your name, you didn't wake up. The traveler had to carry you to the medical bay. Luckily Collei had a universal antidote that you created!" 'Ahh, that damned antidote.' Tighnari thought. Inside he was furious but also saddened.  He was so close, so close to being with his spouse again… "Master Tighnari, I don't mean to pry but, what did you see? In the hallucination, I mean." Collei innocently asked. Tighnari’s face instantly formed a smile, but it was not a real smile. It was never a real smile. He'd never really smile after your death. "Hmm, I don't remember. All I remember is eating the mushroom and waking up here. If I could get some privacy, I can handle myself from here on out." "Oh! Of course! Come on Paimon, Traveler, let's give Master Tighnari some privacy." Ehe, of course! Take care Tighnari, and get well soon!" Paimon yelled when Collei escorted the duo out. Once he couldn’t hear them anymore, he let the tears fall. "I'm sorry my love, it seems I failed to see you…"

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

If you spot any grammar mistakes please let me know, I'll fix them :)

🌺Donnie🌸

#🍯angst #Whoops there's a part 2 #sorry #tighnari #tighnari angst #tighnari x reader #tighnari x gn reader #genshin impact #genshin #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x gn reader #genshin impact tighnari #genshin tighnari #genshin x reader #genshin x gn reader #angst

[joshriku]

Hello! do you have any cherik fic recs?

i have . so many. (pukes and cries) this is gonna be long but to start off i'm gonna give you my ultimate faves of like. each iteration. so i can be insane. i won't make summaries bc im bad i will just tell you how insane i am.

general thing that none of these have a sad ending or triggering topics bc im. im . I Like Happiness

-curses that can't be lifted by sotano: see. this is about cherik early comics canon right. when they just met in haifa. AND OOOOOOO GH oGH oghghgOGOH I LOVE LEAVING COMMENTS. I LEAVE LONG COMMENTS. I AM VERY ILL IN THE BRAIN WHEN IT COMES TO LEAVING COMMENTS. BUT I LITERALLY STILL CANT FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY IN THIS BC I LOVE IT SO MUCH. LIKE ILL COME AROUND EVENTUALLY OF COURSE. BUT IVE READ IT LIKE 50 TIMES AND ITS SO GOOD ITS SO GOOD IT MAKES ME DERANGED i was reading it yesterday again. as i do. and i had to close the tab bc it made me so unwell. i'm so normal

-afterlife by anna: this fic is so good but for my mental health it's in shambles. You don't get it. i'll be pacing around my room thinking back of scenes in this and im like ALRIGHT. PAUSE TO THROW UP AND CRY. EVER SINCE IVE READ THIS I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME DO YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S POST DAYS OF FUTURE PAST AND THAT MAKES ME SO ILLLLLLL I LOVE DOFP SO BAD AND I LOVE CHARLES IN IT AND im like oh man i need something to make me cry and puke and shit myself and cure my depression im gonna read that fic again. And i do it. and i am cured. after i cry myself out to this i am so normal again

-someplace that is green by mugsandpugs: oh my god. Also bad for my mental health like (pucnhign myself) YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. it's technically x-men evolution but if you know cherik you'll understand it either way so. just. wow. erik can fit so much trauma. I can fit so many emotions. i can be so mentally ill. IREAD IT SO MUCH LIEK THE SLOOOOOWWBWBURRNNNNNNNNN AHH AHH AHH (PUKES AND CRIES) AHH WANDA AND PIETRO. AH. DEAR GOD. U DONT GET IT !!!!!! THE WORLDBUILDIGN!! (curls up and cries)

ok yeah. i'll put under the cut all the other recs i have sorry for being unwell

you should read everything by ao3 user sotano btw. not to be demented or deranged. but they never miss. everything they ever write is so . Oh my god. U dont get it. im ill. i will buy them a house

-tabula rasa by o2doko: the telepathy exploration of this goes so fucking hard

-fair verona by ha_neul: i love gender so much you don't ungerstand trans fics are the world to me they really arre

-tesselation by nekosmuse: oh my god. i mean it's a popular fic so it's probably been read. BUT THE SLAY. GOD. THE WRITING. PUKES AND DIES

-travel advisory by penknife: SORRY FOR RECCING 2003 FICS BUT FLOGOGHGOGOGH THE 2003 PEOPLE GOT IT IN WAYS NOBODY ELSE DIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

-no capes by dedkake: this just hits all the spots of needing lighthearted comedy and keeping the magneto / professor x dynamic i so desperately crave. i love when authors play around with their identities while loosely sticking to canon hehe

-all these miles (just to get back home) by isthiswhatiam: you gotta read everything he posts tbh BUT this one is my personal fav i love post dark phoenix u_u

-in dreams begin responsibility by kass: im telling u the pre 2011 fics go so hard. and for what. My god. uim ill it's so good

-sweet by sadbigchungus: its so good. Do u know how fukcing hard it is to get krakoa cherik content. hard. but this hits all the sweet spots i love it so much it's so good

-a good night's sleep by insertsthmeaningful: Can i just say this author writes so much good fic and i am absolutely obsessed. as well as im obsessed w post assassination in xforce cherik like aoghogogjogghOGGH

-the way it travels in and keeps emitting light by populuxe: it's OGHGOGH i love reading this one. it's so hard to find fics that actually talk about disabilities and this one does it SO well and erik is SO perfect in this fic im sick!!

-a nice boy (the family matters edition) by pocky_slash: i don't wanna talk about how hard i cry when i reread this one i might have family issues of sorts.

-a winter's journey by red: i love old cheirk so mcuh it makes me want to eat my ownf oot

-the trouble with trilbies by obstrinatix: I LOVE. OLD MEN. CHERIK

-& other words by questors: this is so good like the worldbuilding genuinely floors and runs me over until im nothing but an useless dough

-necessary downtime by unforgotten: i . old cherik. Ogjjgjkrlgjlslkfd

-bug on a plate by lindstrom: ANOTHER ONE THAT ACTUALLY DESCRIBES DISABILITIES SUPER WELL AND DOESNT SHY AWAY FROM THEM ITS A HITTTT AND MIDDLE AGED CHERIK JUST HTIS DIFF SORRY

-the last love song and testament of charles f xavier by midrashic: u know what i said about liking afic so much u cant actually bring urself to properly word the comment so youre just waiting and waiting to properly say smth. Yea thats me w this fic too. why's it so fucking good. how am i meant to word my emotions. but hey if i got around to commenting on Afterlife i will to this

-one second and a million miles by madneto: nothing has ever put me through such a slowburn like this fic like it was so insane and crazy i felt like god was slapping me. PLUS. IRENE AND RAVEN ARE IN IT......SLAY!

-bloodbound by ikeracity: u know i didnt care about vampire fics until THIS ONE. WHERE I WAS LIKE. OH. OKAY. THEYRE GOOD ACTUALLY I SEE THE LIGHT IT MAKES SENSE NOW.

-the golden mean by somuchmorethanyouknow: IT'S SO GOOD OK. THE WAY I WISH THIS FIC WAS CANON JSUT BC IT WAS SO GOOD. THE GENOSHA BUILDING OF IT ALL. MY GODDDDDD! I LOVED IT. SO PAINFULLY GOOD. THE WRITING OF CHARLES AND EIRK IS SO EXCEPTIONAL BUT SO IS EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FIC TOO. AH

-make me stay by lynds: well. what can i say. who's to say no to a little telepathy play. sorry for liking bottom erik. as if it's my fault

-before you attempt me (fair warning) by kianspo: i read this one time i was really sad and i shouldnt have because i started crying about never being able to find a love like the one in this fic. anyway it's super good

-everything about it is a love song by pocky_slash: its bad for me. old cherik makes me go through itnso much. i cant believe ill never find love like this

-feels like you're mine by annejumps: Sorry for bottom erik enthusiast. AS IF ITS MY FAULTNTO HAVE SUCH GOOD TASTE

-because it's you that sets the test by equestrianstatue: [DERANGED NOISES] IM LIKEBSO CASUAL ABOUT THIS FIC IM NOT EVEN MENTALLH ILL.

-special studies in mutant topics by populuxe: my ao3 bookmark says "filed under fics i read while having a mental breakdown and saved my mental health" you can bet its so good and sexy and Oghgogngntnntnngng i will have to marry this authors writing style. SUBBING TO THIS AUTHOR ISNT ENOUGH I HAVE TO BUY THEM DINNER IDK

but also the sex thing: this fic ruined my ability to watch dofp. no matter how many times i watch it ill be quoting this fic along to it

thats it. for Now. i actually have more but some of them are just the real popular ones so im like. Yeah youve read it. BUT THE REST MIGHT BE FOR NEXT TIME. I GUESS. SORRY. THIS GOT OUT OF HAND

#asks #I love fanfic and i love talking about fanfic and i love writing fanfic and i love fanfic. #touches this post. mental illness #cherik

[twilightmalachite]

Altered - Heaven and Hell 24

Author: Akira

Characters: Tsumugi, Rei

Translator: Mika Enstars

"…I’m sick of “you guys”."

⚠️ This is an import from a unproofed Twitter Livetweet!

Season: Winter

Location: Yumenosaki Academy Library

Content Warning: Contains references to suicide.

Rei: Lemme ask you, actually. Why should I have to do something?

Tsumugi: Why, huh—

Rei: Just ‘cuz I could’ve? ‘Cuz I’m the Superstar Sakuma Rei-chan who could’ve? ‘Cuz I could’ve, I should’ve?

My will, my wishes, my heart isn’t bein’ taken into account.

Why is everyone always trying to make me do everything?

So, I was sick of it, honestly.

Even Keito, who’s always proddin’ at me, begged me. “I’m begging you, please do it. As long as it’s you, it can be done.”

When I looked into that guy’s eyes as be begged at me so, I hated fuckin’ everything.

…I’m sick of “you guys”.

Tsumugi: Rei-kun…

Rei: Ah, I get it already. I’m actin’ like a child. People have positions in society, and they gotta play the role they are expected to play, even out of obligation.

But you know what? I was still just a kid, I couldn’t take that.

Even I was a kid, too, y’know. That was why I sang rock music.

It made me feel a lil’ better, but it didn’t save my soul.

I’m not pure like that “Lil’ Puppy”. I don’t actually love rock music. I was just consumin’ rock as a distraction, just as everyone else consumed me.

But, thanks to that Keito comin’ in there and strikin’ me, that underground live house is no longer a place where I can distract myself.

Every time I’m there, I get irritated, only bein’ able to think of things I hate.

I’ve lost my safe haven.

And I no longer have energy to search for a new one.

Tsumugi: … …

So that’s why you chose to overlook us.

Even though we were trying to subdue you.

Rei: Puttin an end to my borin’ life was the best thing I could’ve asked for. I wished more than anyone for Sakuma Rei of the Five Eccentrics to be subjugated.

For that guy to be trampled and ground into dust, and erased from this world as soon as possible.

That was how I felt at that time.

And so, I overlooked you guys. You probably didn’t realize it, but I even supported ya from behind the scenes.

How come the Yumenosaki administration chose to overlook the student’s steadily growing power?

Did they leave the student council to bend the school’s very rules simply out of incompetency?

Who knows, really. Maybe they got a push from a certain someone who happened to be well-liked by adults.

You guys were busy buildin’ the cross on which you would eventually be crucified upon.

Tsumugi: You had become desperate and wanted to kill yourself.

You must’ve been in so much despair, Rei-kun.

I’m sorry. It was you who saved me, yet I never realized your real intentions.

Rei: Don’t apologize, I had also been maskin’ that depression I had to keep it hidden.

Ahh, I’ve always been bound by my very own character. As everyone’s favorite superstar, Sakuma Rei-chan.

So, I’m tossin’ “that guy” out, and lookin’ for a new character.

And, besides. I feel like it’s my fault for bein’ so desperate back then. I’m like, “Are ya kiddin’ me, are you an idiot?”

If it had been just me, that’d be fine. I didn’t care what cruelty I faced, ‘cuz it’s what I wanted. But truthfully, I’d always felt alone back then, even when there were lots of people surrounding me.

And so, I had only been thinkin’ of myself. Like some grandpa, I’d figured to prep my grave while I’m alive or whatever. Like the selfish person I was.

But, there were people other than me who were gonna be put within that grave.

At that time I never imagined that I would love them so much.

I never thought I’d have a friend who was equal to me.

Tsumugi: The Five Eccentrics, right?

Rei: Yup, the friends you guys gave me. No sarcasm intended. It was you who brought us together, where we then found each other.

Five people, who otherwise would have been alone, were able to find those the same as themselves in this wide world.

It was a miracle.

But, that is where I’m troubled. I regret it now. I shouldn’t have acted so prematurely, I shouldn’t have overlooked you guys out of despair.

Tsumugi. Just as you said, I could have stopped you guys.

But, I didn’t stop you guys. Because I had abandoned myself out of desperation.

I thought I had lost everything. I didn’t believe it would be possible for me to gain somethin’ new and precious again… I never believed it’d be through them.

I hadn’t even considered the possibility at the time.

That is my failure, my sin.

My greatest mistake.

I honestly wish I could punch myself from back then in the face. Tell him, “what’re ya doin’ givin’ everythin’ up, givin’ into your despair like that!?”

But, well, you guys already beat me up, so why bother goin’ out of the way to beat myself up too?

When I try to hurt myself like that, I’d just sadden others more than I hurt myself.

Tsumugi: Then, why—

If you realized your mistake, why didn’t you act? You could have turned it around from any situation.

Eichi-kun was in so much of a hurry, I doubt he would have been able to respond in time.

Even at the final performance, you could have won if you moved with all your might, and ignoring all the plot points up until that point you could have been victorious—It should have been possible!

And yet, even then, you didn’t do anything.

Rei: You don’t know why, Tsumugi?

Nah, you should know the reason by now.

While you’re now able to empathize with a story to the point of shedding tears…

I empathized with the author and protagonist of the story.

He had just looked so happy at long last, how could I ruin a moment like that?

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#altered #event #translation #rei sakuma #tsumugi aoba

[caffeinatedrogue]

Ahhhh I am so excited you're back!! I was worried, but happy to see you're getting some fun time and relaxation after everything! 💚

ahh hi lovely :'))) omg sorry I didn't mean to worry anyone ahhh

I should simply accept the fact that I will 100% become a bit of a piece of lovely flaming garbage in the summer and take it easy, rather than pretend to myself that I can do stuff and then get super depressed cause I can't... but I am stubborn and every year I make the same mistake Anyway it's nice to be back again. home sweet home :'))))

[frecklystars]

Hey! :) are you still cool with sharing Ken as a romantic f/o? I wanted to ask because it seems like you're closer to him then you were in the beginning and I know you had some really fucked up experience sharing f/os in the past with that person who made self shipping a trigger for you. I wanted to share my story of how my Barbie meets Ken but I don't want to intrude especially when this is the first time you're beginning to self ship again in a very long time, I don't want to mess that up.

Oh gosh, well firstly anon thank you so much for asking in the first place. That is extremely considerate of you.

When a few of you first asked me "hey are you okay with sharing barbie F/Os" I was like "hell yeah!" and that was I think only after the first or second time I saw the movie, and I did not expect to love this movie as much as I do, I didn't expect to become so attached to these characters because I haven't felt attached to any F/Os in a long ass time. I didn't expect to genuinely start feeling joy again. I really thought they'd be "kissed and thrown into the pile" as I like to put it... but I've started really relying on them. And ahh like you said, I had a totally fucked up experience haha :') I really don't want to be an asshole who suddenly changes my mind about sharing when I said I was fine with it though

I mean, I've always been fine with self shippers interacting and talking with me even if we did share main F/Os (I have 500 F/Os, I am bound to share at least a few with people, surely) but with these F/Os specifically I feel a little apprehensive because this is the first time I'm actually Not Numb to self shipping in suuuuch a long tiiiiime and I have so much anxiety trusting people now after my aforementioned Fucked Up Experience... not just with sharing F/Os, but even people I've been friends with for 10 years that I should know would never betray me in any way, I'm on guard, in the back of my head thinking that everyone I care about is going to betray me eventually bc I was just so used to being betrayed and manipulated and lied to every single day by someone I was close to, over and over and over and over, and having my F/Os be used against me at the same time was the killing blow

If I didn't have the whole, um, [vaguely gesturing to the bullshit that has happened in the last 12 months] y'know, that experience, I wouldn't be so... cautious, with sharing Barbie/Ken, if that is the word I'm looking for?? Because the last time I shared my F/Os with a close friend, I started to associate every single hurtful action of hers with those F/Os, and I lost my TF special interest of 3 years and I am so, so severely depressed without them. and I don't know if I'll ever get them back. and I'm just now starting to feel a little bit of hope for myself, and I don't know if this hyperfixation is even going to last longer than just a couple of weeks because none of my hyperfixations ever last longer than a month (except TF and SBTM which lasted years, but I'm numb to them now). I am so, so, so scared of associating Barbie/Ken with the wrong person and all of a sudden losing them when they're helping me get back up when I've been knocked down for so, so long.

I don't know if I articulated that in a way that makes sense but I guess my answer is, uh... I am okay with sharing in very small doses and taking it slowly, and if it's not too inconvenient I'd appreciate being asked first before gushing (and the way you handled it here was very polite and I appreciate you, thank you for doing that). Also I extend that same courtesy to everyone btw, I am staying here in my own little corner. I never gush to anyone unprompted unless if I'm asked to do so. Idk if I had to say that but just in case 💖

#anonymous #asks #anon. thank you so much. also im sorry my answer was so long #short answer: yes depending on how my anxiety/ptsd is doing in that moment #i dont want to be 100% cutting myself off from sharing bc i used to love sharing! #but my trauma is making me so so so so hesitant. im working on it though!!! #trust me i have never worked harder on my mental health than i have in the last year #i have never been more determined in my entire life to heal from something #bc i have never ever been this low

[kiki-sleeps]

MHA - Hitoshi Shinso x reader

A/N: Exactly after a year since I've created my tumblr account, I've been so mesmerized by the sheer amount of content that I completely forgot about writing myself lol. Anyways, this a one-shot based on a character I created a long time ago and it was written around that time so my style is different from the Jack Frost story. Let me know which of the two you think is better and why if you feel like leaving a comment or a reblog <3

LISTEN TO THE SONG CHLORINE - TWENTY ONE PILOTS WHILE READING (I changed the lyrics a little bit to make them fit with the story, it shouldn't be noticeable tho) 

TW: Torture, mentions of needles, blood, (semi)gore, character death, wounds, tubes and stitches (lmk if I should add other warnings)

So where were you? It's been a little while

The doctor's voice wakes me up from my slumber as I feel multiple tubes and needles injecting in my skin. My eyes are half-lidded, blurry figures hovering over mine. Ahh, it's truly been a fair bit of time since I've been here. I didn't miss it. These experiments have been draining the life out of me. They put me in one of the capsules for monitoring and then he speaks again; 

"Aren't you happy? We'll do one of your favourites!" 

His voice is muffled by the glass, but I hear his sarcastic words perfectly. He turns his head to one of the nurses and orders:

"Go full out in the lungs" 

Sippin' on straight chlorine, let the vibes slide over me

The ugly smell makes its way through the mask on my face, and I can feel my senses going numb for the umpteenth time in my life. My head starts spinning, and so do my thoughts. This could be regarded as getting high, but it's nowhere near as happy as that. The euphoric feeling doesn't exist here. Just nothing. 

This beat is a chemical, beat is a chemical

The only thing I feel is the steady rhythm of my heart. Like a calm drum that goes in pair with the ringing in my ears. It's a lonely soothing feeling, like a lullaby that's just for me. 

When I leave don't save my seat, I'll be back when it's all complete

Memories come to mind. 

"Don't worry," I said to him. "I'll be fine." 

Lies. I should have just said goodbye when I had the chance. 

The moment is medical, moment is medical

My depressing regrets come to a temporary end as my tired eyes look at a finger tapping on the glass. They do this every time. 

"If you see it, it means you're healing." 

Healing from what? I've never been sick in the first place. You're the ones who created a whole clinical identity for me. 

I was fine, once upon a time. But my story is no fairytale. Just a bunch of unfortunate choices. Except for one. Deciding to give him the last hopes I had is the only thing I regard as the luckiest that could ever happen to me. 

Sippin' on straight chlorine

I want to cough, but I can't. I've tried, when I still had the will to resist. The result? Just vomiting. The tubes are too far and too deep in my throat to make me have any kind of relief by the action. 

Lovin' what I'm tastin'

Still, I like not being able to do anything. Gives me time to think. I never could do it, being worried about even surviving on to the day after. 

Venom on my tongue

Dependant at times

I'm fully conscious of the acid in my mouth, and I love it. Tastes like the ugly tears I've shed in my useless 17 years. Ah, this is too good. How ironic, I've come to appreciate the thing I hated the most.

This beautiful, addictive feeling. 

Poisonous vibration

The capsule shakes, more needles get into my arms. One goes in my cheek, stained with uncontrollable tears. 

Helped my body run

I remember the one time I tried to escape. And I almost succeeded. But seeing the light at the end of the tunnel was too good to be true. 

I'm runnin' for my life, 

Runnin' for my life

I can't explain how I found the strength to break the restraint that kept me here, I just did. But it didn't last long. I was suffocating after all. No one could run more than a couple of meters with all that toxins in the lungs. Like I have now. 

Sippin' on straight chlorine, let the vibes slide over me

This beat is a chemical, beat is a chemical

When I leave don't save my seat, I'll be back when it's all complete

The moment is medical, moment is medical

The process starts again. More silence. I focus on the memory of my hopeless escape. Why did I do it? In the end, I had nothing to live for. 

Right, when I only had these laboratories as a source of knowledge, how could I have the wish to be out? It was probably because I didn't know anything about the outside. It was the thirst for freedom. But now? I have nothing to fight for. I saw what I wanted and met the people I so desperately wanted to talk to. A disappointing experience, to say the least. When they found out I was a testing mannequin, they looked at me like everyone here always did. A monster. A beast, a creature that could go feral if it was so much touched. 

They all did. 

I blink, and an almost forgotten face in all the hatred surrounding my mind comes to thought. 

Shinso. 

He was the only ray of light in the ugly darkness of the world, the sole person who saw past the scars on my skin. 

Oh, yes. He'd be worth fighting for. All of his touches, every little inch of affection he deserves makes it worth the fight. 

Sippin' on straight chlorine

I inhale profoundly. I've decided. If not for myself, I'll do it for him. I'll get out of this hell hole and be free again. And this time, I won't be caught. 

Fall out of formation

Without making it noticeable, I slowly start to move my arms, testing what I can and cannot control. I can move almost everything, but the skin is completely numb, I've lost all sensitivity. 

Well, not like I care. This could be actually good, I won't feel any pain even if they shoot me. 

I plan my escape from walls they confined

I close my eyes and free my mind of everything useless. I have to make a plan, I can't just burst out and hope to be lucky. Think, think! What can you do? I could break out and take the nearest syringe to get to a weapon, but after that? More information, I need more! All the simulations in my mind end all in the same way: failure. There must be something– Oh. Yes, that could work. It kinda looks like my savior, that little annoying finger belonging to an armed guard. 

Ok, time to put it in action. 

I gather all my strength, and pull myself up with all the strings still attached to me. I focus on the hit I have to give to the glass with my head to make it break. 

Ah, it worked. 

Rebel red carnation

The pieces of the capsule cap I broke are impaling my arms, but I don't care, I don't even feel them. Blood is pouring out, almost too blue to be recognizable if not for the metallic smell it has. 

Grows while I decay

This isn't exactly the best thing that could happen. Losing blood means a higher chance of fainting and less resistance. Damn it. 

I jump out taking the shards of glass and throwing them around. At least I can make a bit of people incapable like this. None of them has to leave the room, I can't have the alarm going off just as I lifted a finger. 

I pull the guard in front of me by the hand. 

"This is the finger that likes to tap as if I'm a fish in a bowl, huh? I can't let you keep it then!" 

Is this my voice? It sounds foreign, a stranger that talks like me. Well, no matter, I can't be distracted now by futile things. 

With a little bit of sickening happiness, I cut off the hand of the soldier with the last shard and take his gun. 

I'm runnin' for my life

Runnin' for my life

Yeah, I'm runnin' for my life

Runnin' for my life

I spin and start to run, bare feet resounding against the floor tiles. My breath is ragged, and I'm opening my mouth like a gaping fish out of water. 

Had you in my coat pocket, where I kept my rebel red

Come on, come on! Think of him, he'll give you strength! I grit my teeth as the lights start to flicker and go red. Tch, they were able to give the alarm. 

I felt I was invincible, you wrapped around my head

It doesn't matter, I can still play. In my mind now the only thing that goes round and round are the words he once said to me;

"I love you"

Like a broken record, my head plays and replays the memory, as if to give me confidence. And it works. I don't care if I slip, I just run and run and run. 

Now different lives I lead, my body lives on lead

I want to be with him again, I want to be the idiot who thought he was joking when he asked her out, I want to be that girl again!! 

But it feels as if that is a totally different universe, where a lucky distorted version of me can be happy. But not the me right now. 

The mixture of chemicals is taking control of me, my eyes are starting to see black dots in the corners of my vision. 

The last two lines may read incorrect until said

No, it's not finished until I say so. I refuse to give up now that I have something to strive for. I didn't get drugged just to trip at the last second. I. Won't. Fail. 

The lead is terrible in flavor

I want to puke. And technically, I could. No plastic tubes are here to stop me now. No, no, bad thoughts. Just push it down and you'll be fine. Standing up, I gulp and dash down the white hall again. 

But now you double as a papermaker

As I run behind a corner to avoid some bullets, I'm taken down by memories again. Oh great, a panic attack. Just what I needed. The rush of colors in my head is fabricating episodes that never existed. Words thrown at me by my stupid brain created from layers of anxiety. 

And the first ones, always making me freeze in my steps, are said by the lips I love the most, twisting in a cruel smirk, a double faced mask covering the features of the boy I adore;

"You're a monster, how could I ever love you?" 

Supported by the real reminder of the only times we ever argued, the fake statement creeps fast through my mind, breaking the last bit of self restraint I have. 

I despise you sometimes

I shout, I have to move or these shadows lurking in my mind won't leave me alone. I start to talk in my head, to remain sane. At least, as sane as I could be. 

"Hey Shinso, you know what? I hate you. For making me do this, for making me wish for a life that wasn't mine to begin with!" 

But it's a lie. I love him, so much it hurts. 

I love to hate the fight and you in my life is like

And the actual discussions we had, I hated them with a passion. I could never be mad at you. How could I? The happiness I felt with you was so overwhelming. 

I could only see you. Kinda like

"Sippin' on straight chlorine" ,

let the vibes slide over me

This beat is a chemical, beat is a chemical

When I leave don't save my seat, I'll be back when it's all complete

The moment is medical, moment is medical

Sippin' on straight chlorine

I huff, this is taking a huge toll on my body. I don't know how many turns I've taken, how many people I've killed, and I can't bring myself to care. I just want to find the damn exit in this labyrinth of walls and closed windows. I want to be mad. I want to let myself be consumed by the rage that wants to erase this hell from existence. I want to, but I can't. For two simple reasons. Blood loss and toxins. I'm running on adrenaline and suppressor chemicals, the only quirk I have right now is the will to save my ass. 

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Beat is a chemical, yeah

My heart is beating frantically, maybe I can finally go apeshit? 

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Moment is medical, yeah

No, I have to stay sane. I don't want to die here because I couldn't control my rage. 

Sippin' on straight chlorine

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Beat is a chemical, yeah

I can see it, I can see the emergency exit sign light! It's so close, I can get there–

My feet skidder on the floor as I'm stopped by a loud explosion. 

Out of hole in the wall, guided by the purple hair I recognize immediately, in all their glory stand my classmates from UA. How…? They're not supposed to be here, they're supposed to hate me! No, no, this is all wrong-

"Sorry for being late, love. This place was hard to find." 

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Let the vibe, let the vibe

Moment is medical, yeah

And I can see it. The dark circles under his eyes are even more accentuated than usual, he must have stayed nights awake just to find me. I'm so happy he's here, the tears come to my eyes in a reflex.

I'm so sorry, I forgot you

Behind him, in their full geared suits, my friends start to fire at the soldiers. Kirishima gives me one of his usual toothy grins. How could I forget the stupid nicknames, full of affection, the late night games, the long shopping sessions? How could I ever think the ones who lured me out of my shell could turn against me? 

Let me catch you up to speed

I run towards them. I throw my gun, I don't even care anymore. I just want to get to the blinding light they all emit, a promise of salvation I desperately want to grasp. I'm almost there, I'm almost there! 

A bang makes me gasp. A bullet, straight through my heart. I let out a blood-curdling scream. Ah, I'm falling. I look up ahead, Shinso's violet widened eyes are staring at me, his mouth open. I'm waiting for the impact, but he catches me. Sweet, sweet Shinso. Always going to be my knight in shining armor, huh? He turns me to face the ceiling as I lay motionless in his arms. I watch as he shouts for a paramedic. 

He then turns to me;

"Everything's going to be ok, don't worry, you'll be fine-" 

I stop him. I just want to tell him one last thing:

"I've been tested like the ends of

A weathered flag that's by the sea" 

All the pain is summed up in a sentence. Almost too easy to describe the amount of suffering. And yet, it fulfills its purpose. 

I ask him one last thing. 

"Can you build my house with pieces?" 

I'm just a chemical

Can you promise me you'll still do everything you told me? Will you continue to live without me, happy? Please do. All the things we wanted to try together, do them for me. And the smile you hid all these years, show it. To someone who can brighten up your days like I won't be able to do. 

"No, no, no! We have to do it together, you promised!" 

"Can you build my house with pieces?" 

I'm just a chemical

I take my hand up to his cheek, once full of wrinkles because of the joyful laugh only I was able to hear. I wipe his tears away. 

Promise me. Please. 

"N-no, I don't want to, there's still enough time! S-see? The ambulance is coming!" 

"Can you build my house with pieces?" 

I'm just a chemical

He starts sobbing, and places his hand above mine.

I'm fine with this. An appropriate death for a cursed life. I know he'll move on. He's strong. He'll achieve his dreams and so more. Even though I won't be there to see it. I ask him one more time.

"Can you build my house with pieces?"

At last, he promises. 

"I-I swear I will."

Good boy. Ah, it's time. I can feel my conscience slipping away. I'm so, so tired. I want to sleep. As I close my eyes, the last thing I see are his vibrant purple irises full of tears. At least, their comforting color will accompany me to the other side. If there is one for me, that is. There could never be heaven for a creature like me. 

After all, 

I'm just a chemical

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